George W. Bush Writes a Fanfic

by - Corvus

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Sex, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Comedy
Length: 1617

How does Equestria deal with terrorists? President George W. Bush sheds some light on the subject.

When a habitually awesome pony fights off a group of terrorists changelings, he realizes that Equestria will have to take drastic measures to maintain security. Can he whip the Equine country into shape, or will liberal ponies get in his way? President George W. Bush authors the story of Lone Star, a pony who just can't help but be loved by all... Except Governor Clinton Clopton.

Author's note: This fic is very silly, and comes complete with intentional misspellings and intentionally bad writing. Do not take it seriously.

Published 2012-05-27 05:24:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-05-27 05:24:02 UTC

The Countryman Act

Lone Star was a red pony with a blue mane and a single white star manly-mark as he so called it. Some liberal tried telling him to call it a cutie mark, but that was for queer-o-sexuals like that rainbow pony. Anyway, he was walking in sweet apple acres one day when Applejack ran up to him out of nowhere, panicked.

“Lone Star! We don’t have time to make out right now, even if you are totally awesome and handsome. A bunch ‘a ~~terrorists~~ changelings are attackin’ my barn, and ah can’t handle ‘em on my own! Ah need yer help!”

Suddenly an electric guitar was playing in the background as Lone Star put on his aviators which looked totally cool with his ten-gallon hat. “Bring them on.”

He was a pegasus, so he flew over to where the ~~arabs~~ changelings were and started kicking some major behind. He was faster than a speeding bullet, and nopony could keep up with his awesome moves. He flew up and down faster than the eye could see and took out like two dozen bad guys before there was only one left. But just as Lone Star turned around to punch him in the face, he saw Applejack!

“Applejack, what are you doing? I was just about to declare the mission accompli-”

Fake Applejack sucker-punched Lone Star square in the jaw, but she recoiled from punching Lone Star's chisled, manly jaw. Lone star smiled awesomely as he reared up to punch fake Applejack, but then real applejack tackled the fake one and they rolled around just punching eachother. “How dare you punch mah handsome coltfriend!” said real Applejack, but they were still rolling around so Lone Star couldn’t tell which one was the real one! Finally the two stood up again to catch their breath, so Lone Star wound up to punch the faker-looking applejack in the face.

“Wait! Ah’m the real Applejack!” Lone star stopped for a second and thought about it. She was right. The other Applejack did look a little uglier than this one. Lone Star wound up another punch and was about to punch her when he was stopped again.

“What’re you doin’? Ah’m the real Applejack.” Lone Star was befuddled. He already knew it was easy to confuse one ~~Iraqi~~ changeling for another, but he had forgotten that they could change shape to look like anypony he knew! How could he know which one to punch?

BOOM. “Oops.”

Fake Applejack’s head started bleeding from the fresh bullet hole that was now there, and she changed back to her changeling form. Lone Star sighed in relief. That was one less pony he had to punch. But who took the shot? Lone Star turned around to look for the sniper.

Lo and behold, Dick Pony climbed out of one of Applejack’s Apple trees, his rifle still smoking from the barrel. Lone Star smiled, happy to see his old buddy again.

“That was a pretty darn good shot there, Mr. Pony. How did you know that was the fake one?”

Dick Pony shifted his eyes for a second, like he usually did when he was thinking of something awesome to say. He didn’t say anything for a long time though, as if he had run out of awesome words for the day. Lone Star thought he heard him mutter something like “I thought it was a deer”, but that was quickly pushed out of his mind because it suddenly all made sense when he looked down at the dead changeling.

“Oh, you just shot the one without the hat, didn’t you?”

Dick Pony paused for a second before responding. “Yes.”

“Ah knew it! You’re so smart, Dick. I would never have thought ‘a that! That’s why you and I-”

Lone Star was interrupted by Applejack who totally just started making out with him like nopony was watching. Lone Star closed his eyes for a second, enjoying the kiss from his beloved, but pulled back when he realized there was work to be done. Applejack gave him a dissatisfied look.

“Hold your horses, buttercup. We’ll have to make out some more later. I just realized there’s work to be done.”

Applejack nodded. “That’s okay, sugarcube.” She stood on her tiphooves and kissed Lone Star on the cheek.

Lone star smiled at her before looking back at Dick Pony. “I’ve gotta work on kicking these changelings out of ~~America~~ Equestria. Do you think you can help me out? You always give the best advice.”

Dick Pony shook his head before answering. “I’d love to help, but I’ve got some business to attend to on the other side of Ponyville.”

“Oh, you mean Fluttershy’s house?” asked Applejack.

Dick Pony nodded. “I heard she’s got a varmint problem.” Then Dick Pony silently trotted away with his rifle slung over his back like the awesome ~~vice~~ pony he was.

“He was always like a father to me,” said Lone Star, who was crying manly tears from the sheer awesome that he had witnessed. “Such a selfless pony, going to help out somebody else without even being asked.”

He was overcome with emotion, but he sucked it up. There was work to be done in Equestria, and crying wouldn’t take care of it. “Saddle up, Applejack. We’re gonna see Celestia.”

“Lone Star! It’s so good to hear from the most handsome pony in ~~Texas~~ Equestria. How can I help you?” Celestia didn’t normally just let anypony come up to talk to her, but she knew just how awesome he was. After all, it was his idea to turn Equestria into a democracy, to which Celestia agreed. After a bitter election ~~campayne~~ campaign against Secretary-of-state Luna, in which the votes from Hoofida had to be recounted, Celestia was elected president of Equestria. Lone Star had spoken for her ~~inagerashun~~ ~~innagurashon~~ ~~innageration~~ commencement and played The Star Spangled Banner for her on electric guitar before flying into the sunset. Everypony cried that day because the ceremony was so cool.

“Miss President, we have a problem. Nopony knows who’s a changeling and who isn’t! I could be a changeling and you wouldn’t even know it! Well, I mean, maybe you could, because nopony can really match my handsomeness. But still, we gotta do something.”

“But what am I supposed to do, Lone Star? Equestria has never faced an enemy like the changelings. Not even I can tell who’s real and who’s not!”

“That’s where I come in!” said Lone Star, with a smile. “On my way here, I came up with the Countryman Act! It lets us look in everypony’s mail before it gets to them. Just think of all the changeling spies we could catch if we put this into law without telling anypony!”

Celestia smiled, but hesitated. “I don’t know, Lone Star. Maybe we should just try nego-”

“NO!” yelled Lone Star. “We do NOT negotiate with ~~terrorists~~ changelings!”

Celestia shook her head, and then smiled. “You’re right. What was I thinking? I’ll sign this into law, and as usual, I’ll reward you with-”

“Stop right there!”

Lone Star looked at where the new voice was coming from. He groaned in disgust as he recognized the Lavender-and-blue Colt: Bill Clopton.

“That’s a violation of equine rights! Everypony deserves a little privacy. It’d be wrong to look into their mail without asking!”

Lone Star knew exactly how to respond. “You’re just mad because that’s how you and that mail-mare got found out! Are you even paying child support? I know I wouldn't have left that child behind.”

Bill Clopton blushed. “I said it once, I’ll say it again! I did not have sexual relations with that pony!”

“That’s enough, Governor Clopton. Everypony knows you’re not nearly as awesome as Lone Star. Besides, this is the best idea ever and I’m going to turn the signing of the bill into a holiday in honor of Lone Star. We’ll celebrate with fireworks and by drinking lots of Miller Lite.” Bill Clopton shrank, having been defeated by two of the most awesome ponies in Equestria. “Now, Lone Star. About your reward. I’ve decided to reward you in gold and with as many beautiful eligible mares as you want.”

Lone Star looked up at Celestia from under his hat, with a serious look on his face. “Those are both mighty fine gifts, Miss President, but Applejack’s the only mare I want. Also, use my reward money to create Equestria’s first baseball league because baseball is awesome.”

“Oh, Lone Star!” Applejack tried making out with Lone Star again, but stopped when he gave her a serious look that said “Later”. She smiled and gave him a kiss on the cheek, and then thought about how she’d get creative with her kissing later.

Celestia smiled. “Once again, a wonderful idea! Very well, Lone Star. I will use the money to found Equestria’s first baseball league. I’ll even make you the owner of one of the teams! Also, Al Gore is a complete pinko.”

Governor Clopton frowned. He realized how much he wished he was as cool as lone star.

“Thank you, Miss President. Say, do you think you could start those fireworks right now?”

“Anything for you, Lone Star!”

“Much obliged. Applejack?” The orange mare looked up at lone star in anticipation. “Mission Accomplished.” Lone Star quickly grabbed applejack and flew into the starry sky, watching as red, white, and blue fireworks exploded behind them. A familiar guitar solo played from Canterlot Castle; probably a recording of Lone Star’s solo from Celestia’s commencement. Applejack and Lone Star looked down at the beautiful city, and over the rest of the country.

And then they totally made out.

End