So This Is What My Life Has Come To
Rainbow Dash Visits The Proctologist
“Rainbow Dash, that’s more than enough hot sauce,” Twilight said, narrowing her eyes.
Dumping the entire bottle of hot sauce above her burrito, Rainbow Dash scoffed. “Pffft, yeah, right! There’s never enough hot sauce! Right, Spike?”
Spike, who dipped his taco in the same hot sauce Dash wielded, took a large, crunchy bite. “Mmmmf! Yush! Dis stuff iz gud!!” he mumbled around his mouthful, bits of shell and lettuce dribbling down his chin.
Twilight wiped his chin clean with a napkin in her aura and glared at Dash. “That’s way too much, Dash! You’re going to get indigestion!”
As she slathered her entire burrito in a thick layer of the sauce, Dash huffed. “Yeah, well, that’s a small price to pay for the best burrito ever!”
Spike nodded, more sauce rolling down the corners of his lips. “Uh-huh!” He swallowed hard and used his prehensile tongue to slurp up more of the spicy concoction. “Lighten up, Twilight. Spicy food is good for you, isn’t it?”
“Well, spicy food is good for you in small amounts, due to the Vitamin C content of the peppers and the stimulating effect capsaicin has on the metabolic processes. There is some evidence that it may help boost the immune system as well, and it can be great for clearing up clogged sinuses. However!” Twilight pointed at Rainbow Dash. “Everytime she eats from Donkey Hote’s restaurant, she gets an upset stomach from the excessive spice!”
Dash dismissed her with a forehoof. “Okay, mom, I’ll just drink some milk when I get home or something! Geez. No need to nag…”
Looking down at her plate, Dash marveled at her masterpiece: Donkey Hote’s loaded double jalapeno burrito, practically drowning in an ocean of ghost-pepper-and-habanero-blend hot sauce. The scent wafting into her nostrils was hot enough on its own to burn her nose hairs clean off, but Dash was no foal. Whereas lesser ponies settled for a dot or two of Hote’s special sauce—or, even worse, went without it—she had built up her strength in anticipation of this very day.
This epic day where she, Rainbow Dash, would consume the hottest burrito in all of Equestria, and laugh at Twilight’s puny little unseasoned taco salad.
Twilight continued to drone on, talking about “gastric acid” and “esophageal erosion,” but Dash tuned her out. Now that her preparations were complete, this was her moment.
Using both forehooves, Dash brought the hefty burrito to her open mouth. Saliva dripped down her eager tongue as she slowly, carefully, and, some would say, sensually took a bite of that whopping burrito, Donkey Hote’s special sauce coating her taste buds.
The taste was indescribable. The beans, rice, and cheese formed a pleasant, savory taste that was only amplified by the tingling of the jalapenos and hot sauce. A cooling smattering of sour cream and guacamole followed, as did the slightly crunchy texture of the lettuce and tomato. However, Dash paid these distractions little mind. More than anything, she focused on her true prize, scooping up as much of that sauce as she could, letting it dance all over her tongue.
Her tastebuds were on fire. Invisible flames sparked at every touch of that award-winning hot sauce, the heat rising and spreading through her throat and nostrils. Every nerve screamed at her to stop, but she continued, determined to emerge the victor in the battle of pony versus food.
Dash felt herself start to sweat at the first bite, but pressed on through the second, then the third, then the fourth, even as her mane, forehead, and neck began to grow damp. Her tail thumped and her wings flared as she took bite after bite, each morsel a struggle.
By the time she reached the end of the burrito, Dash realized that not only Spike and Twilight, but the entire restaurant, was staring at her. Pausing only to give the crowd a dashing smile, she took one final gulp of the burrito, a final roaring flame spreading through her mouth.
And then, when her plate was empty, her hooves were licked clean, and the last of the hot sauce was wiped from her lips, the entire restaurant erupted into applause.
Except for Twilight, who planted her face into the table.
“Woohoo! You did it, Dash! You did it!” Spike cheered, clapping his cheese-covered claws.
Dash rose from her seat and bowed, ignoring the burning pain searing through her mouth. “Thank you, thank you, everypony!” She rose and thumped her chest. “No hot sauce can keep Rainbow Dash down!”
“Haha, es verdad, amigo,” said a voice to her left. She turned to see Donkey Hote himself beaming at her. “Since you have swallowed an entire bottle of my spice and smiled, your meal is free!”
Dash whooped and shot into the air, her wings beating with pride. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw yeah! You hear that, Twilight?!” she called down, a smug grin curling across her lips. “I get to eat free because I’m not afraid of a little spice!”
Twilight, her face still making acquaintance with the table, groaned.
~
The following Monday morning, Rainbow Dash rose from a restful sleep and yawned. She smacked her lips, relieved to note that the heartburn that had blazed its way through her throat the evening prior was now a thing of the past. Good thing, too.
If Dash had to hear Twilight lecture any more about “G.E.R.D.” and “throat lesions,” Dash would eat her hat. And she liked that hat.
“Mmm… Time to start the day,” Dash mumbled. She walked from her bedroom, down the steps of her cloud home, and to her bathroom, whistling a peppy little tune all the way.
Once in the bathroom, she closed the door, then began her morning routine. Brush teeth. Wash face. Start the shower water. While that was running, take care of her morning toilet.
A few moments after the quiet tearing of the toilet paper, an ear-splitting scream rang out.
“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!”
~
“Spike, can you find my copy of Allusions And Alicorns? I can’t seem to find it anywhere,” Twilight said, scurrying from one end of the bookshelf to the other.
Spike, a comic book in one talon and a mug that read “#1 Assistant” full of steaming coffee in the other, groaned. “What do you mean, you can’t find it? I just put it back on the shelf yesterday!”
Twilight dug through the books with her magic, frowning at each of their spines. “Well, I must have misplaced it.” With a sigh, she set that batch of books down and moved over to another shelf. “Maybe I mixed it in with the fiction section?”
Spike took a sip of his coffee. “What do you need that book for anyway?”
Turning to face him, Twilight smiled and brought a forehoof to her chest. “Well, it just so happens that Princess Celestia has commissioned me to—”
”TWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILIGHT!”
A shrill, scream, followed by the sound of a high-velocity object slamming into wood and glass, sent both of them running up the stairs.
“Rainbow Dash?! Is that you?!” Twilight called as she galloped up the stairs, Spike close behind. She opened the door to her bedroom before she could hear a reply, then gasped.
“Dash, what happened?!” Spike ran over to the fallen mare.
“Urrrrrgh…” Dash gurgled, then raised her head. Slowly, she rose to her hooves, shaking debris from her feathers and fur. She looked over her shoulder to see the pegasus-shaped hole in Twilight’s bedroom window and wall. “Um… I… I, um...”
Twilight opened a drawer and levitated a First Aid kit from within, then rushed over to examine her friend. “Are you alright? Can you feel your hooves?” She grabbed one of Dash’s forelegs and held it out, scanning over it for cuts or abrasions.
“Um… Y-yeah… Uh…” Dash flinched. “I… I’m fine... “
“Are you sure?” Satisfied to see no injuries on her left foreleg, then Twilight picked up Dash’s right foreleg. “You don’t sound fine.”
From the corner of Twilight’s eye, Dash looked away. “I… W-well, I came here because…”
“Because what?” Spike asked.
Though she didn’t struggle when Twilight studied either foreleg, Dash moved away when Twilight went to check her hind legs. “Umm… Well… Er…”
“Dash, please let me make sure you didn’t injure yourself.”
Dash kept her hind legs away from Twilight, scarlet tinging her cheeks. “Twi, please, don’t—”
Twilight reached for Dash’s hind leg again, only to have her magic eluded by another step. “Dash, please let me—”
“I’m bleeding!” Dash shouted.
Twilight extinguished her spell. “Bleeding? Where?”
Spike walked over and cocked his head at Dash. “Um… I don’t see any bleeding.” He laid a claw on her shoulder, then stared at her wings. “None here.” He moved his head down to her barrel. “None—aah!”
With a whack of Dash’s tail, Spike flew across the room, smacking against Twilight’s bed. “Owwww…”
“What in Tartarus was that for?!” Twilight seethed, throwing daggers at Dash with her piercing glare. “Spike’s just trying to help you!”
Dash pressed her back into the wall. “I-I’m sorry! I-I’m just scared and I flipped out!”
Twilight’s gaze softened a tic. “Scared?” She tilted her head. “Why? Because you’re bleeding?”
Dash slowly nodded.
“But where are you bleeding?”
Dash froze, eyes going blank.
“Yeah,” Spike grumbled, rubbing his sore tail as he stood up, “where are you bleeding? Maybe in that thick skull of yours? Maybe that’s why—mmmrf!”
Twilight zipped his lips shut. “Well, Rainbow Dash?”
“I…” Dash, her muzzle as red as the streak in her mane, took one deep breath before motioning Twi to come closer.
Although she raised an eyebrow, Twilight complied, leaning in close to her. Dash brought a forehoof to her mouth, then whispered something in Twilight’s ear.
“What’s the big secret, huh?” Spike crossed his arms, scowling.
Once Dash had finished whispering in Twilight’s ear, the alicorn pulled away. Her brow furrowed and her muzzle scrunched, she took a deep breath before saying, “Dash, are you sure that’s what you saw?”
Dash nodded.
Spike waved a claw. “Hey! Saw what?”
Ignoring him a second—but not last—time, Twilight magicked a book from the library up into her bedroom. Greyhorn’s Anatomy, read the tome, which Twilight leafed through in the blink of an eye.
“Ah, ha!” Twilight pressed her forehoof to a page. “Knew it was in this book!”
“So what does it say?” Dash crossed her forelegs over her chest, but kept her back to the wall, her wings shaking.
“It says that it could be a lot of things,” Twilight replied. “Something rare and serious, like diverticulitis, or colon cancer—”
Dash paled, her muzzle and ears drooping as her eyes watered. “C-c-c-c-cancer?”
“Or, more likely, something common and easily fixable, like a fissure, or a hemorrhoid—”
“Hemorrhoid?” Spike scratched at his forehead scales. “Um, isn’t that something in your butt?”
Color returned to Dash’s face, shifting it from white to hot red.
Twilight magicked the book away. “Spike, I don’t say this very often, but I’m going to have to ask you it now: can you please give us some privacy?”
Crossing his arms over his chest, Spike looked between the two mares. “Why?”
Twilight sighed. “Just… please, Spike?”
Spike gave a heavy sigh of his own. “Ughhh… fine.”
“Thank you.” Twilight smiled. “It’ll only take a moment.”
As he turned around, Spike said, “Yeah, yeah. Just keep it down this time. The last time I gave you ‘privacy’, I couldn’t sleep all night.”
Spike slammed the door just in time to hear Twilight squeak, her shrill “Eeep!” making him chuckle as he started back down the stairs.
In the bedroom, two mares now stood in mortified silence. It wasn’t until Dash coughed that Twilight, her left eyelid twitching, broke from her trance.
“So, um… Uh… Wh-what should I do?” Dash asked as she lowered herself to all fours. Her tail swung and flicked in time with her shivering feathers. “I-I-I don’t want cancer, Twilight!”
“Well,” Twilight said, her cheeks resuming their normal color, “you need to go to the doctor, Rainbow Dash.”
“But I hate doctors!” Dash’s widened eyes watered. “Isn’t there anything you can do?”
“No!” Twilight shouted, her muzzle flushing. “N-no,” she added, lowering her voice to a normal tone. “Dash, you have a symptom that could be indicative of a serious medical condition. Rectal bleeding is nothing to laugh about.”
Dash continued to tear up. “B-b-but, b-but…”
“You need to be examined by a licensed physician who can diagnose you properly. I’m not qualified for anything beyond First Aid, and—”
“So that means you know what to look for?” Dash darted close to her. Twilight backed away, but Dash advanced again. “You could diagnose me, but you’re just not qualified?”
“Rainbow Dash,” Twilight said, gritting her teeth, “I am not examining your rectum.”
Dash’s ears and wings drooped as she stared at the floor. “Oh…”
Facehoofing, Twilight muttered something under her breath. Then, with a sigh, she looked up and said, “But, if you’re really that afraid of going to the doctor, I’ll go with you.”
“Really?!” Dash perked up immediately, all thoughts of intestinal cancer vanishing. “You would do that?!”
“I… suppose.” Twilight grinned through her gritted teeth. “After all… What are friends for?”
~
Friends, Twilight thought, were overrated sometimes.
“Now, Miss Dash, what can I help you with today?” Doctor Stable asked, adjusting the spectacles hanging on the bridge of his snout.
Twilight sat in the guest chair in the stallion’s office, while Rainbow Dash sat on the examining table, fidgeting with her forehooves. While her tail and wings had stopped trembling, fear continued to radiate off her in waves.
Anxiety was something Twilight could understand—but Rainbow Dash was beyond anxious. Hypochondria, too, was something Twilight could acknowledge. That was a more plausible possibility, but it was too early to confirm it.
Besides, after waiting for several hours with Dash for an emergency doctor’s appointment, Twilight was in no rush to accompany the panicking pegasus to the psychiatrist’s office.
“Doc, I... “ Dash swallowed and stared down at the tiled floor. “W-well, you see, th-this morning, I… I saw some…”
“Some what, Miss Dash?” Doctor Stable levitated a clipboard in his aura.
Dash rubbed her forehooves together. “Some… Uh… W-well… This m-morning… I… I saw…”
Twilight’s left ear twitched.
“Miss Dash,” Doctor Stable said, offering her a gentle smile, “if you don’t tell me what the problem is, then I can’t help you.”
“I-I know. It’s just…” Dash heaved a deep breath, then exhaled slowly. “Al-alright… It’s… Um… So… Th-this morning, I… er, I sa—”
“She saw blood on the toilet paper!” Twilight exclaimed, throwing her forehooves up. “There! I just saved us five minutes.” Huffing, she grabbed the nearest magazine—a copy of Ponies from three years ago—and stuck her nose in it.
Doctor Stable looked between his patient, to her friend, then sighed. “I see.” He picked up a pen and scribbled something on the clipboard. “Miss Dash, are you having any other symptoms?”
“O-other symptoms?” Dash tilted her head.
“Unexplained weight loss, pain in the back or abdomen, fatigue, constipation, diarrhea? Any of that ring a bell?” he asked.
“Well…” Dash twiddled her forehooves, avoiding his gaze. “Kiiiiiiinda. I mean, well, I did have a big burrito last night—”
Twilight’s brow furrowed.
“So, diarrhea then?” Doctor Stable asked.
Dash nodded, staring at the floor.
Twilight facemagazined.
More scribbling. “Do you have any family history of any types of cancer?”
“N-no.”
Another round of scribbling. Then, Doctor Stable placed the clipboard down on the counter. “Okay. Well, the nurse already took your vital signs before I came in, and they look okay. Blood pressure is a little elevated, but that’s normal when somepony visits the doctor, especially if they’re nervous. We call it ‘white-coat syndrome’.”
Dash chuckled. “Oh. R-right. I knew that.”
Twilight peeled her face from the magazine and groaned as quietly as she could.
“That said,” Doctor Stable continued, “there isn’t anything I can do for you, Miss Dash.”
“What do you mean?” A bit of an edge returned to Dash’s tone. “I-I need to know what’s going on!”
“I understand that,” Doctor Stable said, raising a forehoof, “but I do not have the means to diagnose you. The first step in examining any rectal bleeding is a rectal exam, and I do not have the equipment to do so.”
Dash’s eyes widened. “Equipment? Can’t you just, um, look?”
Doctor Stable shook his head. “I’m afraid not, Miss Dash. However, since this appears to be your only symptom, you have no family history of cancer, and you are quite young, it’s safe to say that you most likely do not have colon cancer.”
Dash brought her forehooves to her mane. “M-most likely?!”
“But,” Doctor Stable added, “it’s quite possible that you have another issue, such as a hemorrhoid or fissure. To confirm this, you will need to see a proctologist.”
“A what?!”
Twilight looked up from her expired celebrity magazine. “A proctologist is a doctor who specializes in disorders of the colon.”
“So, a butt doctor?!” Dash was tugging at her mane now, eyes wide as dinner plates.
Doctor Stable chuckled. “Well, yes.” He picked up his clipboard. “And you’re in luck! The best proctologist in Equestria happens to be filling in for our regular doctor down at the speciality clinic.”
“The one at the edge of town?” Twilight asked, ignoring Dash’s chattering teeth.
“That’s right, Miss Sparkle.” Doctor Stable wrote something down on a fresh sheet of parchment, then tore it off and levitated it over to Dash. “Take this note to the clinic. If you’re lucky, you’ll get in today.”
After a moment, Dash took the piece of parchment, trembling from her teeth to her tail. “Th-th-thanks, D-Doc.”
“You’re welcome, Dash. And try to relax,” Doctor Stable added as he started for the door. “An examination sounds difficult, but it’s really no big deal! I have one every year now that I’m an older stallion.”
Twilight waved at the doctor as he left. She then turned to Dash, who had fallen silent. “You okay, Dash? You’re not twitching as much.”
“Y-yeah, I guess,” Dash said, holding the parchment tight. “But… I think Doctor Stable is gay.”
Twilight facehoofed.
~
“You’re in luck! The doctor has an opening right now. I’ll go let him know you’re here,” the nurse, a pleasant mare with a brilliant smile, said. “Just have a seat. It shouldn’t be more than a few minutes.”
“Thank you.” Twilight nodded to the nurse as she trotted off. She laid a forehoof on Dash’s shoulder as they took a seat in the waiting room. “It’s going to be okay, Dash.”
“H-heh, yeah, I suppose.” Dash clasped her forehooves together.
“I’ve never seen you this nervous before,” Twilight said, “except maybe at the Best Young Flier’s competition.” She patted her shoulder. “What’s going on?”
Dash shook her head. “It’s just… I…” She sighed. “I-I should have listened to you.”
Twilight cocked her head. “Listened to me? About what?”
Dash met her gaze, her widened eyes shining with tears. “Th-the burrito,” Dash whispered. “I… I shouldn’t have put so much h-hot sauce… B-but I did, and now I might have… c-c-can—”
“Dash, you don’t have cancer,” Twilight said, stern but gentle. “And even if you did, that wouldn’t have anything to do with the burrito, or the hot sauce!”
Dash rubbed a forehoof at her eyes. “R-really?”
“Really.” Twilight smiled. “I’m sorry for getting annoyed at you earlier. I thought that might have been what you were worried about, but I wasn’t sure, so I felt you were acting a little silly. But I get it now. And you’re going to be fine.”
Dash mustered a smile. “You sure?”
“I am. And you can eat all the disgusting burritos you want, Dash,” Twilight said, giving her a playful nudge in the shoulder.
“Aw, thanks, Twilight!” Dash nudged her back. “And heh, yeah, sorry for being such a worrywart. It’s just… a little scary, you know?” She ruffled her wings. “But you’re right. I don’t have cancer. In fact, the doctor is probably going to tell me I’m fi—”
“Rainbow Dash? Doctor A. Scope is ready to see you!” the nurse called out from the reception desk.
“Heh, guess that’s my cue.” Dash rose to her hooves.
“Want me to go with you again?” Twilight asked.
Dash shrugged. “I guess you could. A little less boring than sitting in the waiting room, right?”
“True, but that means I’ll have to watch the examination.”
“Yeah, but—oh.” Dash shuffled her hooves. “Ummm, on second thought, could you wait here for me, Twi?”
Twilight nodded. “Of course, Dash. I’ll be right here.”
Smiling, Dash bumped Twilight’s forehoof with her own. “I knew I could count on you.” With that, she headed off towards the nurse, who ushered her to the doctor’s door. Doctor A. Scope — Proctologist read the sign.
“Hopefully this one will be just as quick,” Twilight mumbled, picking up a magazine from the small pile on the coffee table before her. She selected a copy of Treehouse And Garden, circa five years prior. “Oooh, ‘How to grow herbs on your windowsill’...”
~
Dash sat down on the examination table after the nurse squeezed her right foreleg with a tight blood pressure cuff, listened to her heart, and talked about the weather. The cold metal felt soothing beneath her rear—a rather comforting sensation, given the tempest that had burned in that Tartarus of a bathroom this morning.
She took in the office, noting the atmosphere was about the same as Doctor Stable’s: cold, sterile, but with a pleasant vanilla scent added, almost as an afterthought. A few paintings of the canyons and plateaus surrounding Appleloosa and the Badlands decorated the walls. There was no guest chair, nor any interesting magazines for Twilight to read. Perhaps it had been the right decision not bringing her inside this time after all.
There was a light knock at the door before it opened. A tall, thick, brown unicorn stallion entered, a smile on his muzzle and a clipboard in his golden aura. “Well, good afternoon, Miss Dash. I am Doctor A. Scope.” He trotted over and stuck out his forehoof. “Nice to meet you.”
She shook it. “Nice to meet you, Doc.”
He took out the clipboard and flipped through a few papers. “So Doctor Stable referred you to me because you’re experiencing some rectal bleeding?”
She nodded stiffly, a bit of fear blossoming in her chest. “Th-that’s right.”
He smiled and put the clipboard aside. “Nothing to be afraid of, Miss Dash. This is a rather common issue, and often has a very benign cause.” He trotted over to the sink on the counter and turned on the tap. As he washed his forehooves, he said, “This will only be a quick examination. Please lay down on the table and roll onto your stomach.”
“O-okay.” Dash did as she was bade, stretching out and rolling over on the table. The thin, white paper covering it rustled and tore in a few spots as she moved. The cool sensation of the metal was replaced with the slight warmth of the paper.
Behind her, Dash heard Doctor Scope rummage through a drawer. The snap of latex followed.
“So, what do you do for a living, Miss Dash?” Doctor Scope asked.
“I’m the captain of the Ponyville Weather Team, but I’m planning on becoming a Wonderbolt,” Dash replied. The waver in her voice was erased by a tinge of confidence. “I’m going to enter the Academy once they start accepting applicants again.”
Another rustle of movement. Then, hooves clopped across the floor, approaching. “Well, that sounds wonderful!” Doctor Scope chuckled. “I wish you the best of luck with your aspirations, Miss Dash.”
“Heh, thanks, Doc.”
More hoofsteps. Dash looked over shoulder to see Doctor Scope standing right beside her rear, latex gloves snapped over his forehooves… and a three-inch long, glass cylinder in his golden magic. He opened one of the nearby drawers and pulled out a small, clear bottle. After opening the bottle, he then squeezed it. A clear liquid flowed over the lip of the cylinder.
“Umm… Whatcha got there, Doc? Heh, heh…” Dash’s wings trembled as she rubbed her forehooves together.
“This is an anoscope, Miss Dash.” Doctor Scope held up the instrument. His magic worked the clear liquid around the lip of the anoscope. “I will use it to peer inside your rectum and check for hemorrhoids. I will also examine the outer skin for fissures.”
Dash gaped. “P-peer inside my—whatdidyousay?” she yelped, her voice cracking.
Doctor Scope kept his smile. “Inside your rectum, Miss Rainbow Dash. I know that might sound painful, but trust me, it will only take a second. And I’ll make sure it’s lubed up for you.”
“L-lubed up?” Dash whispered, her tone rivaling Pinkie Pie’s voice on helium.
“Oh, of course! You wouldn’t want it going in dry, would you?” Doctor Scope laughed at his own joke, his chuckles loud and booming.
Dash, eyes widened, ears flattened, jaw agape, merely sat in frozen silence. The shakes returned as her fur stood on end. Her wings spread and shook, each feather trembling in the still air as her eyes zeroed in on that little cylinder.
“Are you ready, Miss Dash?”
Somehow, Dash managed to gain control of her facial muscles and vocal cords enough to enable her to reply.
For the life of her, she didn’t know why she answered as she did.
”... Yes…?”
~
Hmm, so with just a planter box, some potting soil, and a little water and sunlight, I can turn that empty bookshelf into the perfect garden for some ma—
“OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAH!”
Twilight dropped her magazine. “Was that—?”
Behind the receptionist desk, the nurse brought a forehoof to her mouth and giggled. “Ooh, sounds like somepony’s enjoying their examination a little too much! We usually charge extra for that! Hehehehe!”
It was. What does she mean, “charge extra”? Unless—
Twilight wings sprang to full height and stiffened. Oh, Celestia!
The nurse laughed harder.
~
“Rainbow Dash…”
“I don’t want to hear it, Twilight!”
“I—hehe—I—sneeerk—know, but—”
“Twilight!”
“Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, I have to ask—”
“Don’t you even think about it!”
“What exactly were you thinking when—”
“When you got a wingboner?”
“N-n-no! I-I didn’t—I mean, I was asking you—”
The door to Twilight’s library and home swung wide open. “Hey, can you guys either quiet down or take your argument someplace else?” Spike asked with a scowl.
On the porch, Twilight avoided his eyes and struggled to snap her wings down. “Hehehehe, s-sorry, Spike… We’ll be quiet…”
Beside her, Rainbow Dash, a bag tucked under her wing, scowled in turn. “Yeah, yeah…”
The two entered the library as Spike stepped aside. “Took you long enough,” he said as he closed the door. “Why would a simple doctor’s visit take almost four hours?”
“Well, Doctor Stable was busy, and then he referred Dash to somepony else. Somepony Dash took quite the liking to.” Twilight wiggled her eyebrows. “Didn’t you, Dash?”
Dash glared at Twilight before removing the bag tucked beneath her wing and slamming it down on the table. The bust atop it shook, but didn’t fall. “Whatever.” She opened the bag and pulled out a small box. “I got the pills I needed, and Doc said it should only take a week to heal.”
Twilight grabbed the box with her magic. “Um… Dash, how were you planning on taking these?”
“With water.” Meeting Spike’s gaze, Rainbow circled a forehoof near her head. “Duh!”
Spike laughed into his claws.
Twilight squinted at the instructions on the box, then set it down. “Dash, these are suppositories.”
“Whatever they are, I only need to take one a day, so it could be worse. Spike, can you grab me a glass of water?”
“You got it!” Spike hopped to the task, scurrying off into the kitchen.
Brow furrowed, Twilight frowned. “Dash, do you know what suppositories are? Specifically, how they’re different from regular pills?”
“... They’re prescribed by doctors whose parents hated them?”
Twilight blinked. “What?”
“Oh, c’mon! You and I both know what ‘Doctor A. Scope’s’ real name is, Twi, and it definitely isn’t Apple.”
Twilight’s muzzle scrunched up. “Wait—what do you—nevermind.” She shook her head. “Anyway, Dash, you don’t swallow these pills.”
Dash was the one to blink this time. “What? You don’t?”
“No, you…” Twilight made sure they were still alone before she added in a whisper, “You take those the same way you took that exam.”
Twilight had never seen a pony change colors so quickly. From blue to white, then white to red, then red to green, Dash lit up the library with almost all the colors in her mane. When she managed to speak at last, all she could do was sputter. “How—what—but—”
Picking up a book, Twilight shook her head. “I don’t know how you plan on doing it, but you need to figure it out. That hemorrhoid won’t go away if you don’t.” She then started up the stairs, leaving Dash to stammer some more.
“But, but—”
“Here’s your water!” Spike returned from the kitchen with a glass. He passed it over to Dash, who took it without a word. “Uh, you okay, Rainbow Dash? You’re looking all pale again.”
The silence that ensued would prove to be the worst silence in Spike’s life, as Rainbow Dash, her fearful eyes darting to the dragon’s claws, got an idea. A very terrible idea.
“Spike… How would you like to make some money?”
~
“Spike!” Twilight pounded on the bathroom door. “What are you doing in there?!”
“GO AWAY!” Spike returned to his obsessive claw-washing, scrubbing at his palms while steam rose from the rush of hot water.
Why did I agree to this? Why? WHY?!
“Spike, I have to use the bathroom!”
“I said, GO AWAY!” Spike coughed, hoarse from screaming. “Five more minutes, Twi! Please!”
“Fine!” The stomping of hooves, clopping hard against the wood, told him he was alone.
Rainbow Dash may have left, and Spike may have been twenty bits richer, but his claws would never be clean. There wasn’t enough soap in Equestria.
Spike suddenly understood why ponies hated Mondays.
Author's Note
I'm not sorry.
