Am I Worth It?

by GjallarFox

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Sad, Rainbow Dash
Length: 1059

Six months have passed since Rainbow showed up with sandwiches. Twilight is by no means okay, but at least she's on the road to recovery. Right?

Six months have passed since Rainbow showed up with sandwiches. Twilight is by no means okay, but at least she's on the road to recovery. Right?

Trigger Warnings: Suicidal thoughts and actions, depression, and anxiety.

Published 2015-08-19 23:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-19 23:10:02 UTC

Life Goes On

I want to die.

Six months had passed since Rainbow Dash had broken through to Twilight and put her on the path to recovery, but that thought still came up every day at least once, sometimes more. The unicorn had asked her pegasus friend not to mention her illness to the others, as she didn't want them to worry or be angry with her for hiding it and not seeking help from them. Over those six months, Rainbow had ensured that Twilight got back to a regular and healthy eating routine, with three square meals per day with no exceptions. Snacks like random berries and fruits were highly encouraged. Every week, Rainbow would have her weigh herself to try to get her back to a normal, healthy weight.

Rainbow ended up spending a lot of time in Twilight's home. Had anyone not known better, ponies would have mistaken Rainbow for Twilight's personal nurse, or a potential marefriend. She made sure the unicorn ate, slept, bathed, and exercised. She knew that taking care of oneself was an effective strategy for fighting depression. How she knew that, Twilight could never ascertain.

But despite all of Rainbow's effort and genuine compassion, Twilight was still deep in the heart of the darkness, where light forsook all. There was no rhyme or reason to it. Asking why she was depressed or suicidal was a useless question. There was no cause, no triggering event, no snowball effect. It just happened. The depression had always been there, a sharp seed in her mind, its roots so deeply embedded into who she was that to remove it was to make Twilight someone else. The flowering of plant brought thoughts of dying, but to her it was just a means of salvation from her condemnation to pain.

A knock on the door, the same one she'd heard six months ago when her friend had walked in to guide her away from death, promising a different salvation. Even though she knew it was Rainbow, she couldn't help but jump a little bit and wince. Even though she had come to know Rainbow as one of the gentlest souls in Equestria, comparable only to Fluttershy, she was still anxious around her. Her heart beat painfully hard and fast whenever she heard that knock, just like the day she came over with sandwiches. Just like the day that hope walked in on her and held her.

Rainbow let herself in, carrying saddlebags, no doubt filled with food and books. As usual, she carried herself in a more compact posture, one that signaled that she was not a threat. While Twilight didn't like it when she did that, it did get her anxiety to calm some. A soft greeting reached her ears letting Twilight release a breath, the threat of some angry outburst passed.

"How are you feeling today?"

"Same as every day..."

"Still there, huh?"

Twilight didn't bother to acknowledge the question. She sighed heavily and sat down on her couch, staring at the light trying to filter in through the window and around the curtain. For her there was no break. There was no hope of "recovery." This was something she would have to live with and suffer through for the rest of her life, the same way she'd done so for the past who-knew-how-long. She would always be condemned to life in the heart of the darkness, where light forsook all, regardless of that individual's strength or devotion to the light. She would forever be doomed to suffer pain that left no trace, a more perfect setup of torture than any domestic abuser could ever hope to achieve.

Rainbow set down her saddlebags and approached her friend. Slowly and carefully, she sat down next to her friend. "I know that it never truly goes away. It's always there," she murmured, her eyes cast down as her own painful memories surfaced. "It haunts you for the rest of your life, and it will always feel like you will never feel happiness again."

"If that's the case, then why bother living through all of the pain?" Twilight asked, refusing to make eye contact, her head turning a bit further away from Rainbow.

"Because even though the depression, the anxiety, and desire to die will always be there," Rainbow said, turning to face Twilight, wrapping her wing around her friend, "the feelings that come from them won't. They aren't omnipotent. Other feelings can overcome them. Love, be it platonic or romantic, is the single most powerful emotion and feeling anypony can ever feel, and once found, it can really help."

"But there's still no fixing it," Twilight muttered, slumping a bit.

"As I just said, there's nothing anyone can do to fix it, or cure it. No medicine can fix it, though it can make it manageable. Love, much like medicine, will do that. It can make you feel better."

"But who'd love me?" Twilight asked softly, barely above a whisper. In a moment, Rainbow saw tears begin to roll down her cheeks. "J-just a s-sui... suicidal i-introverted mess of a mare—" Rainbow's wing gently pulled Twilight's chin so the two were face to face, making Twilight stop talking and stare at her friend with wide, teary eyes.

"You are already loved," Rainbow whispered, reaching up with her wings and brushing away the unicorn's tears. "I can name six ponies and a dragon who all love you, who would all drop everything to make sure you're okay. And right now, you're staring one of them in the face."

Soft sobs filled the library as Twilight cried into her friend's shoulder. Rainbow simply held her friend, knowing that words were no longer useful. Soft strokes and gentle rocking helped Twilight begin to calm down. The warmth of another pony holding her was something she rarely experienced, and she savored every second that her pegasus friend was willing to hold on for. But Rainbow knew better than to be the first to let go. She knew what it was like to be in the kind of place that Twilight was, and understood better than most ponies that the pony being comforted decided how long the hug needed to last.

Twilight eventually let go and pulled away a little bit. "Rainbow?"

"Yes Twilight?" the pegasus replied.

"Am I worth it?"

"Absolutely."