Twilight Sparkle Doesn't Do Anything

by Twinkletail

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2265

Twilight Sparkle doesn't do anything.

Twilight Sparkle always does things. Today, she's not going to do anything.

I don't know what made me come up with this.

Thanks to Timaeus and Majin Syeekoh for prereading!

Now with a reading by ChefSandy!

Published 2015-08-19 19:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-19 19:20:02 UTC

Not A Thing

The tables were set. That was the second-to-last part that needed doing, and it was done. Not only was it done, but it was done well. Not even well, actually. Super-well. Super amazingly awesomely fantastically welly-well-well, even. And Pinkie Pie only reserved that for the most welliest of the well.

This had to be the most welliest of the well, after all. Today was the first day that Pinkie had tried cooking a recipe from the book that she'd found at that really cool stand she'd found at the latest trade fair. It was the absolute coolest stand she'd ever seen there, full of really neat toys and trinkets and the like, and she knew when she found it that she had to get something from there. She'd nearly chosen a really cool bracelet that looked like a dragon, but then she stopped when she caught sight of an onyx tiara. After that came the bat earrings, the horn-rimmed glasses, and the book of spells. She didn't even know why she looked at the book of spells. She wasn't a unicorn, as far as she knew. If she was, her horn was taking a super-long time to grow in. She was pretty sure unicorns were usually born with horns, but maybe she was a special case. Probably not, though. But it was nice to dream.

It was then that she saw the other book. Not that the spellbook wasn't cool. It totally was. But this book was even cooler than ten of the other book combined. Though to be fair, having ten of the other book would have actually made it less cool because it wouldn't be unique. But the point still stood that this book was the coolest by far. It was a cookbook, which automatically made it that much more important to her. It was pink, which was especially cool because she could have sworn it wasn't pink when she saw it from farther away. And it had so many cool words all over it! She'd never seen that many apostrophes in a single word before. She thought she did one time, but it turned out she'd accidentally just spilled chocolate sprinkles on the book she'd been reading.

Needless to say, Pinkie went home with that book. The weirdest thing was that the pony barely wanted anything for it. All she asked for was a rutabaga. Pinkie knew that her insistence on always carrying a rutabaga around would come in handy one day. The weirdest thing, though—and it had to be weird if it was going to beat the thing that had just been called the weirdest thing a few moments ago—was that when she turned back around after leaving the stand to thank to pony running it again, the stand was nowhere to be found. It probably wasn't a problem, though. Some ponies just cleaned up really fast.

Pinkie's reminiscing was interrupted by the sound of the front door opening. Her friends were just on time for the last thing that needed to be done! She bounced cheerfully out of the kitchen, ready to greet her friends with the brightest smile she could muster.

"Hey girls!" Pinkie called out as she entered the shop proper. "Thanks so much for coming today!"

"Any time, Pinks!" Rainbow Dash responded. "You know we love your parties!" Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy nodded and murmured in agreement, making Pinkie giggle happily. She loved listening to ponies murmur. It was really fun to try and pick out specific phrases. One time she could have sworn she heard Minuette say something about bananas, and that was really funny because nopony else was even talking about bananas. She hadn't even seen Minuette eat a banana in months. That Minuette really was a card.

"So what's the big project today, Pinkie Pie?" Applejack asked. "Your invitations said something about some big thing you needed us for."

"Yuh-huh!" Pinkie said, nodding quickly. "I found this amazing cookbook and I wanted to make calzones from it, and the recipe said it needed five ponies to complete it!"

"Five ponies?" Rarity asked. "What kind of recipe requires five ponies?"

"It does sound a little odd..." Fluttershy chimed in.

"It sounds REALLY odd!" Pinkie corrected. "And that's why I wanted to make them! C'mon to the kitchen, we're ready for the final step!" With that, she turned tail and bounced cheerfully towards the kitchen, humming the whole way. The other four looked at each other uncomfortably. After a few moments, they finally decided to follow, Rainbow leading the way.

The sight in the kitchen was not at all what any of the four had expected to see. Sauce was strewn all over the place, smeared on the walls and even on the ceiling. The oven looked untouched, odd considering that Pinkie was allegedly making a calzone. Yet there, on a plate in the middle of the floor, was what at least held the appearance of a calzone.

"Uh...it looks like you're already done there, sugarcube," Applejack said, eyeing the odd scene.

"Noooooot yet!" Pinkie said with a smile. "The book says there's just this one last step left." She grabbed a bag of flour and opened it. "First we draw a circle on the ground..." She trotted in a neat, wide circle around the plate, sprinkling flour as she went.

"You're just supposed to dump it on the floor?" Rainbow asked, watching her with a clear degree of uncertainty.

"Yup!" came Pinkie's cheerful reply as she closed the circle. "Now we just have to draw a star in the middle..." She immediately set to this task, zipping this way and that, leaving trails of flour in her wake.

"This seems like an awful waste of flour..." Fluttershy said quietly, stepping out of the way of the excitable pink blur as she worked.

"It's not wasting!" Pinkie insisted. "Cause it's gonna lead to tasting!! Now you move here, and you go there..." Fluttershy found herself hastily nudged towards one point of the star that Pinkie had made, each of the others moved similarly.

"Are you sure you read this recipe right?" Applejack asked. "This seems mighty odd."

"Sure as sugar!" Pinkie said. "Now each of us has to hold one of these!" She placed a black candle in Applejack's front hooves, leaning in with a lighter to get the flame going. Rainbow, Rarity, and Fluttershy were each given one in turn, the last one left for Pinkie. Fluttershy was visibly trembling by the time Pinkie shut the lights in the kitchen, leaving the room cast in a dull glow.

"Okay girls," Pinkie said, taking her place at the last remaining point of the star. "Now I just have to say the magic words!"

"Magic words...?" Rainbow asked. She already looked unsure about all of this, and the idea of Pinkie using any kind of magic only exacerbated that.

"Yuppers!" Pinkie responded. "And I've been practicing them so much, I know them by heart!" She took a breath, holding her candle close, then began to chant. "Yummy snack of dough and cheese, come to this land if you please. Beastliest treat ever to grace a pony's noggin! Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Calzossus R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!"

The five ponies stood in silence, Pinkie's smiling face strongly contrasting the shocked looks on those of her friends.

"...What did she just say?" Applejack asked. However, no answer was able to be given as the ground started to rumble. All five ponies stared at the plate in the middle of the star as it began to shake violently.

"Um...maybe we should..." Fluttershy began. Nopony was really sure what word she was going for, but it was likely a synonym of "leave," if not "leave" itself. Whatever it was, it was interrupted by a loud growl from the shaking plate. Slowly, the calzone began to inflate, twisted limbs emerging from every side of it. Sauce dripped from disturbing cracks in the being's doughy flesh, for the thing that the ponies witnessed no longer had the right to be designated as a mere snack. It was truly a being now, growing and expanding at a terrifying rate. The thing let out an unearthly roar as it righted itself, the cheap plastic plate that it once called home shattering beneath one of its encrusted talons. Slowly it stood from its hunched position, the top of its gnarled head touching the kitchen ceiling. Even the typically-brave Applejack and Rainbow Dash were visibly shaking at the sight. Poor Fluttershy looked about ready to pass out.

"...Pinkie Pie?" Rarity said, beginning to inch away. "Where did you get that book?"

"A mysterious stand that seemed to vanish into thin air after I left?" Pinkie responded, smiling a very uncomfortable smile. Despite the smile, a certain fear was clearly visible in her eyes. "You should really duck, by the way."

Rarity had long since learned not to question Pinkie Pie when she said something like that, and quickly ducked just in time to avoid the swipe of a calorie-rich claw.

"What the hay is it?!" Rainbow screamed, diving for cover to avoid a jet of steaming sauce.

"It's the Calzossus!" Pinkie shouted back. "I didn't know this would happen! The book said it was out of this world!"

"It's from out of this world!" Applejack yelled as she dove to save Fluttershy from being grabbed by the beast. "How in the hay do we stop this thing?! We gotta take it down before it hurts anything other than our sanity!"

Pinkie gritted her teeth as she stared at the giant Calzossus's attempts to wreak havoc upon the kitchen. She knew that this was all her fault, and as such, she knew that she had to fix it. Suddenly, her eyes lit up.

"Applejack!" Pinkie shouted. "Dodge towards the freezer!"

Applejack found this to be an odd request, but was in no position to argue. She did just as Pinkie asked, zipping just past the freezer. The Calzossus's claw swiped at her. The beast stopped short before hitting the freezer, seeming to almost cower in fear of the idea of touching something so cold. The five ponies quickly took note of this, then grinned and nodded to each other.

"Applejack! Fluttershy! Keep it occupied!" Pinkie quickly shouted, trying to dart around the beast.

"Me?!" Fluttershy whimpered. Unable to figure out another option, she leapt in front of the beast, making sure to stick close to Applejack as she did so.

"Over here, you ugly entree!" Applejack shouted, throwing the discarded bag of flour at it. The Calzossus slowly began to turn in their direction.

"Wh-what now?" Fluttershy asked.

"You run one way, I run the other," Applejack said.

"What else now??" Fluttershy begged.

"Trust me!" Applejack yelled. She darted off, leaving Fluttershy to do the same. The beast attempted to swipe at both of them, but the two smaller ponies were too fast for the lumbering monstrosity to keep tabs on.

"Rarity! The freezer! Open it!" Pinkie demanded. "Dashie, spread the cold!"

Rarity and Rainbow looked at each other and gave a resolute nod. Rarity lit her horn up and flipped the freezer open, and Rainbow flew over to it, positioning herself by the door. She began flapping her wings vigorously, blowing the cold air from the device over to the Calzossus. The beast began to shake slightly, its movements beginning to slow down.

"Doing great!" Pinkie called out. "Rarity, use that spell you showed me the other day?"

"Spell?" Rarity asked. Realization came quickly, and she nodded with a smile. Her horn lit up and began intensifying the cold around the beast. She'd used this spell in Pinkie's presence to cool her iron just before Pinkie was about to grab it with her bare hooves, and thankfully it was proving to be quite useful in this situation as well. The colder the air got, the more the Calzossus's movements slowed.

"Applejack! Fluttershy! Criss-cross!" Pinkie barked, waving her forelegs in the air. The two gave each other a look from either side of the room, then dashed at each other, Applejack leaping over Fluttershy just before they would have made contact. The Calzossus's arms, already slowing and hardening, tried to get both ponies, but ended up crashing into each other. The arms shattered, splintering into tiny bite-sized chunks as they crashed to the ground. The monster's gaze, somehow appearing worried despite how indescript its features were, settled on Pinkie, who by this point had equipped herself with the biggest, most solid cooking tray she could find.

"Calzossus?" Pinkie asked sweetly. She didn't even wait for an answer, whether or not the creature could give one.

"Chill out."

With a mighty leap, the pink party pony took to the air, raising the tray above her head before bringing it crashing down on the beast's head. The creature's crunchy cranium shattered instantly, chunks of cold sauce splattering onto the floor as the beast slumped to the ground, lifeless.

The five ponies gathered together, staring over the defeated form of the monster.

"Pinkie Pie?" Applejack said.

"Yes, Applejack?" Pinkie asked.

"You're going to throw that book out, right?"

"Yes, Applejack."

"Good."

The five friends gathered together, feeling their fear subside, replaced with the satisfaction of felling a monstrous foe. They shared a few moments of silent appreciation for their success, before Rarity broke the silence.

"By the way, where is Twilight?" Rarity asked.

"Oh, she told me she wasn't coming," Pinkie replied. "She didn't want to do anything today."

"Ah," Rarity responded.

Author's Note

Yeah, I don't know.