1000 Words-worth of Nonsense
"Hey Applejack, whatcha doin'?"
Pinkie Pie's voice shattered Applejack's previously ironclad concentration. The apple farmer jumped back in fright as a cloud of pink fluff filled her vision.
As Applejack pulled herself up, she shook her head, dizzy. "Hey, Pinkie," she shakily replied. Abruptly, she remembered her task, and quickly scanned the farm for her prey. Finding it, she gestured enthusiastically towards it. "It's that… thing, over there! It's been wandering around mah orchard, bumpin' into gates and knockin' over fences and causin' a great big ruckus. It just showed up in the middle of the night and hasn't left!"
Pinkie took in the information and scanned the trespasser's form. She gained a calculated expression and drew a hoof to her chin, nodding slowly. "I think I see your problem. You have a duck infestation." She pointed toward a nearby waterborne fowl.
Applejack's face fell into her hoof with a resounding thud. "Pinkie," she muttered through her hoof, "two feet to the left."
The pink mare followed her potential sister/cousin/step-sister cousin's muffled directions, and came face to face with a ten foot tall, drooling, hairy beast, the likes of which Equestria had never seen.
Pinkie Pie laughed and rolled over on her side in stitches, clutching her sides. Applejack stared down at her, confused and a little embarrassed. She continued laughing for a few more seconds before, tears streaming down her cheeks, Pinkie pull herself together and explained. "Applejack, that's not a vicious monster! That's a bantha. We get them all the time on Tatooine."
"Tatoo-what now?"
"You know, Tatooine? Big desert planet? Home to the universe's biggest hive of scum and villainy?"
The orange farmer shook her head. "Pinkie, have you been gettin' into the cider in the back of the barn again?"
Pinkie's laughter ceased and she cocked her head quizzically. "You mean the ones under the tarp or the ones next to Tom?"
"Under the– Wait, Pinkie, what in tarnation are you doin'?"
In the short time she'd taken her eyes off her energetic friend, Pinkie had walked up to the furry behemoth and had begun to casually talk to it.
"So, you must be new around here. My name's Pinkie Pie. What's yours?"
The bantha stared dumbly at her. Pinkie smacked her hoof to her forehead.
"Oh, you must not speak Equestrian! Sorry about that." She backed up and strained her muscles until her mane deflated with a audible POOF. In its place was a thick coat of shaggy pink hair that trailed down her back. She began to make loud grunting noises and pace around. The bantha acted surprised, and made it's own grunts. The pink pony bolted back to Applejack, who had been standing dumbfounded at the whole exchange.
"The poor thing!" she said. "Don't you feel sorry for it?"
"Pinkie…" Applejack began slowly. "Did you just confirm the existence extraterrestrial life?"
"Hold that thought, AJ. I need to ask him something." She rushed back over to the giant. Their guttural conversation continued, and the earth pony shook her head in resignation to the fact that she would never understand Pinkie. She stood up to leave but her friend abruptly called her back.
"Yeah Applejack, Napoleon wants to know what your favorite pie is."
Applejack turned around slowly. "It has a na–".
She was quickly cut off by Pinkie Pie shoving a hoof into her mouth and shushing her. "He has a name!" The pink mare extracted the hoof from her friend's mouth and stared imploringly into her eyes.
"Applejack, I don't think you understand that underneath that tough, furry exterior, Napoleon is just a pony like you and me."
"It's trying to bite its own tail off."
"He's trying to bite his tail off!"
Applejack, yet again, sighed. "Fine. My favorite pie flavor is pumpkin."
"Really? I thought it would have been… Never mind." Pinkie trotted back to Napoleon and relayed the message. The creature stopped trying to cannibalize itself and sat down, promptly crushing an apple tree.
Applejack stared at the ruins of the tree. It was completely destroyed, the limbs split, the mighty trunk splintered. Her eye twitched involuntarily. She turned her now bloodshot eyes towards the offender.
"That… was Bartholomew." She began stepping toward the indifferent bantha. "Bloomberg's little brother." She reached her mouth down towards a bush and pulled out a length of rope.
"Hey, that's my emergency rope for rope emergencies!" Pinkie cried. The bantha remained undeterred, and was sniffing the ground for food.
Applejack lifted her head and cackled. "You fool! Do you have any idea of the power you've awakened?"
Celestia sat in her bed, clutching two pillows to the sides of her head. She turned her head towards the door and watched as it swung open, and her little sister bolt to her side.
"Tia!" Luna cried. "What is that horrible screeching noise?"
Celestia, reluctant to remove her makeshift earplugs, replied, "I think some colt down in Ponyville snuck a worm into a filly's bag. Don't worry, she'll stop squealing in a couple minutes!"
"My hooves are clad in iron! My glare could destroy a thousand worlds! I am The Apple-nator!"
Pinkie, having pulled up a chair to watch, stopped eating her popcorn and looked at Applejack skeptically. "Really? That's what you're going with?"
Ignoring her friend, Applejack squared her shoulders and grasped her new lasso in her mouth.
"Let's dance, pretty boy."
Letting out a ferocious battle cry, she charged at the unsuspecting bantha, her gaze locking with his. Startled by the unforeseen turn of events, the lumbering giant prepared to stand its ground, letting out its own battle cry and throwing its curved horns forward. Deftly dodging to the side, the now-probably-a-lunatic raced along its side. As the beast clumsily attempted to turn ninety degrees, Applejack threw her lasso loop around it's right horn and pulled hard. The beast's head sharply dipped toward the ground as it frantically bayed, and Applejack jumped onto its gigantic neck. She twirled her lasso to the left, ensnaring its other horn, and forming a makeshift reigns. Laughing madly, she charged the gigantic steed towards Ponyville.
Off to the sidelines, Pinkie Pie reached for some more popcorn, but came out emptyhooved. As she began turning the box upside-down, Twilight walked up from behind.
"Uh, Pinkie, what was all that noise? And where's Applejack?"
Giving up her search, Pinkie fell dejectedly into her chair. "I don't know," she began, "but the book was a whole lot better."
Celestia hesitantly lifted the pillow from her ears and glanced over the bed. Luna was cowering underneath, it appeared. The white princess sighed.
"I really should get around to soundproofing the castle."
Silence filled the room as Celestia set the paper down onto her desk. She closed her eyes, exhaled deeply, and returned her gaze to her former student.
"So, let me get this straight," she began slowly. Twilight twitched nervously. "A ten foot tall, horned, hairy beast, the likes of which Equestria had never seen, barreled through Ponyville, steered by the former Element of Honesty in a fit of insanity and vengeance?"
Twilight began sweating. "Yes ma'am." She quickly amended herself. "Your Highness."
With a raised eyebrow, the pearl-white princess continued. "Then, the 'bantha' terrorized citizens, destroyed public property, and raised over one-hundred thousand bits of damage to homes, businesses, and streets?"
Twilight was squirming now, as an ant might under the hot summer sun. Or rather, as a winged unicorn might under the disapproving gaze of a sun deity.
"After that, the former Element of Loyalty swooped in and knocked the certifiably insane Applejack off of her perch, and the latter began to froth at the mouth, yelling about 'Bartholomew' being 'avenged'?"
Twilight's response came out as a gasping murmur. "Yes."
Celestia leaned back into her chair. "Twilight, it's days like this when I wonder why I let Pinkie Pie make Equestria."
The mare in question was currently curled up, sound asleep, next to Napoleon, outside of Twilight's castle. She had been assigned by Twilight for guard duty as she and Celestia discussed the matter behind closed doors. All of the other former Elements were out of commission for the time being; Rainbow Dash was busy trying to comfort Applejack in the Ponyville Asylum, and Rarity and Fluttershy were too disgusted or too scared to come out of their own homes. Pinkie had tried, and tried valiantly, but she eventually succumbed to the warm rays of the summer sun and had curled up next to the sleeping bantha.
As the two sleep, two tall shadows fell upon them, both about the same height. It was their shadows and their strange speech that woke Pinkie. However, Napoleon continued snoozing.
"It was, in fact, your idea to see if a bantha could be strapped to a jet and fly at 88 miles per hour, Master Luke, not mine."
There was a short laugh, and then the reply. "Your memory banks are waterlogged, 3p0."
Pinkie blinked the sleep from her eyes before standing up and stretching. "Hey, Luke," she said. "Hey, C3p0."
The robotic humanoid did an imitation of a bow. "Salutations, Pinkie Pie. As you may have guessed, we have come here to retrieve our pet bantha, Napoleon. You two seem to have become acquainted. We do hope he didn't cause too much trouble for you."
Luke walked behind the sleeping bantha and scratched it behind the ear. The tired giant lifted its head and yawned. It got to its feet, and promptly snatched a screaming C3p0 off the ground and into its mouth. The droid desperately waved its arms and legs about, screaming from inside the bantha to be released.
"Nonsense, 3p0," Luke stifled a laugh. "He's just playing."
He patted Napoleon's side and said, "Hey, buddy, spit that out. You don't where it's been." The bantha complied, releasing the now drenched protocol droid from its confines.
"Well, now my memory banks are waterlogged," C3p0 commented.
Luke paid him no attention, instead walking back toward his X-wing. He turned back and waved at the party pony.
"See you, Pinks!"
"See you, Luke!" Pinkie called back to her friend.
As Luke entered the cockpit of his ship, he muttered, "Sheesh, Celestia really let this place go. It's a dump!"
And with that, they flew of into the distance.
