S.M.A.R.T.I. - P.A.N.T.S

                                                                               A Perilous Plot

Twilight blew her steaming cup before levitating it to her lips. “I’m sorry, but who did you say you were again, and how do you know me?”

The black-maned stallion sat across the oak table, almost obscured by the towering pile of literature which sat on the table, wobbling every so often. They were her reading material of choice for the day, but now it seemed unlikely, what with all the interruptions.

“Mrs Sparkle,” he said in his monotone voice, cradling the steaming hot cup in his hooves like an infant. “My name is agent Black, and this is my companion, agent Grey. We work for the government.”

Twilight tried hard not to laugh in his face. Agent Black and Grey? They had to be the most generic, un-original, unimaginative names she had ever heard. Were this a scene from one of the books she so frequently read, she would scold the author for being so uninspired and downright lazy. But alas, this was real life and although the duo had the collective personality of a damp sock, she was still intrigued.

“Government agents?” Twilight’s eyes lit up. Literally. The doctor had told her that he had never seen anything like it. “What, like Sherclop Pones?”

“Mrs Sparkle, please.” He barked, lowering his cup and wiping his mouth. “We are nothing like Sherclop Pones. Those stories are mere fiction, and this is real, and very, very serious...”

“Anyone want another biscuit?” His partner chirped in, waving the packet of horse-wagon wheels like a cat dangling a mouse. Spike didn’t need asked twice. As quick as a flash, the dragon swiped up a handful of them and stuffed them into his greedy little mouth all at once, chewing and munching and making unsavoury “omming” sounds with every bite. He smiled, gulped them down, and reached for another handful.

Twilight sighed and rolled her eyes. Somepony was going to have a tummy ache tonight, and somepony else was going to spend all night listening about it.

Agent Black shot his partner a warning glare, or at least that’s what Twilight assumed he was doing, for it was impossible to tell what was going on behind those tinted specs. Whatever the case, the warning worked, for Agent Grey kept his mouth shut and drank his tea in silence.

“As I was saying, what I’m about to tell you is very serious. Princess Celestia sent us to you herself, such is the magnitude and importance of this task.” Even though what he was saying was no doubt very interesting, Twilight found herself losing concentration and drifting off into a vivid daydream. His voice was just so boring that no matter what he said, he made it sound as unintentionally uninteresting as possible, and this was coming from a mare who could quite happily read her way through a dictionary from cover to cover. Yet still she nodded, like she had taken in every word. Her mind was miles away.

“You see,” Grey set his cup down on the table. Twilight had visions of a stray hoof knocking the cup over, and rivers of hot tea gushing over the pristine white pages of her books. “We have a slight problem. A big problem, in fact. Perhaps the biggest threat Equestria has ever faced.”

Spike stopped short, hand frozen in place, reaching for a sack of gleaming gemstones. “What is it?” His eyes were wide with fear. “Zombies?”

“Worse.” Agent Grey reached into his jacket and produced several pieces of card. Unlike his co-worker, it seemed as though he had actually remembered to bring what he was meant to bring. He placed them down on the table, shifting a few scattered tomes out of the way, and beckoned Twilight over. “Tell me, do you recognise this pony?”

Twilight leaned over the table at what she now saw were photographs, and when she noticed the pony in question, her face twisted in confusion.

“Wait, Smarty Pants?”

Black nodded and spoke into his earpiece. “Attention, Mrs Sparkle has confirmed the identity of our suspect. Over and out.” This time he spoke to Twilight. “Mrs Sparkle, we’re going to need to ask you a few questions, and we need your help.”

“Help? For what?” Twilight’s face turned scarlet in confusion. “What is going on?”

“Mrs Sparkle, we need you to remain calm. Everything will be explained. Did you hear about Sunday’s incident?” He leaned back in his chair and crossed his legs in a rather suave manner.

Twilight’s heart skipped a beat. Indeed there was an incident on Sunday, and she may have been to blame. After failing to meet her weekly friendship report to the princess, she, as Rainbow Dash put it, had a rather mild ‘freak out’ and decided to solve a friendship problem... by creating one. Of course, this involved a certain ragdoll and a love spell which may or may not led to a mass fight in the streets of Ponyville. But no permanent damage was caused, and the princess understood, so everything was fine... right?”

Gulping, the librarian avoided the silent gaze of the two and stared instead at the ceiling, blushing. “I, uh... I can explain.” She took another drink of tea to help calm her nerves.

Grey sounded surprised, but his expression didn’t exactly show it. He tilted his glasses slightly downward. “Explain what? Explain how Princess Luna was nearly assassinated on Sunday night?”

His expression still didn’t change, even after receiving the contents of Twilight’s mouth all over his face. Still dripping with liquids, he continued. “Whilst Princess Celestia was out here, dealing with your little...” he searched for an appropriate word. “...misunderstanding, an unknown assassin infiltrated the castle grounds and attacked our Princess of the night, Luna, as she made her way to the observatory. Luckily, she was unharmed as several sentries of the Royal Canterlot Guard heard the struggle and came to investigate. Upon their arrival, the assassin fled, but not before Captain Icarus caught glimpse of the shadowy figure’s face in a shaft of pale moonlight... it was Smarty Pants.”

Twilight, dumbfounded, was literally lost for words. It took several minutes for her to even begin to comprehend what she had heard, never mind formulate a response. “W-what? Are you joking?”

“Do I look like I’m joking?” Not surprisingly, he did not. If he was, he must have also been one heck of a poker player.

“But... Smarty Pants is just a doll! Just sacks and rags and cloth! How could... what does... what?” Twilight was a smart sort of mare, but this was just too much. Her head hurt and she was subconsciously afraid that her brain cells were abandoning ship, one by one.

“Mrs Sparkle, there’s something we need to tell you.” Agent Black put a re-assuring hoof on the unicorn’s shoulder. It was ice cold, despite having been holding a warm cup. “Smarty Pants was no mere childhood toy.”

What Twilight heard next was quite possibly the most shocking revelation ever revealed to pony kind.

“She’s actually a robot.”

Okay then.

“Please, allow me to explain. Do you remember when and where you got Smarty Pants?”

Twilight’s mind was a mess as it was, and the question certainly didn’t help. “Uh, I honestly can’t remember. It was sometime after I enrolled in Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns when I was a foal, I think...”

“Exactly. It was Celestia. Even back then,” Black paused for a moment and took another swig of tea. Agent Grey was busy trying to filter out the soggy remains of an over-dunked biscuit from his drink. “She knew that one day, she would have to prepare for the coming of Nightmare Moon. She saw something special in you, some hidden power, waiting to be unlocked by the magic of friendship. And then, when the time was right, she would send you here, to defeat Nightmare Moon and restore peace to the land.”

Twilight nodded. “But what does this have to do with Smarty Pants?”

Grey answered this question. “Well, even though she had the utmost faith in you, it’s always a good idea to have a plan B. What I’m about to tell you is confidential. You most promise to tell no one, not even your closest friends.”

She hated the thought of keeping secrets from her dearest friends in the world, but if it somehow kept them safe, then Twilight was more than willing to keep a secret. She nodded in understanding.

“You legally have to Pinkie Promise. It’s in the paperwork.” He continued.

“Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” Twilight went through each of the actions, reciting the famous Pinkie Promise, known all over Equestria.

“Very good.” A grey metal briefcase was pulled from seemingly thin air, which was growing fatter every second due to the presence of an over indulgent Spike. A click came, and then the case swung open, revealing bundles of hoof drawn sketches and schematics, all labelled, ‘S.M.A.R.T.I – P.A.N.T.S – G4.’ It was her doll, exactly as she remembered her. “She was built to be the most sophisticated prototype AI in Equestria, even surpassing our...” he cut himself short, aware that he was saying too much. “S.M.A.R.T.I – P.A.N.T.S, or the Super Mechanical Automated Robotronic Technological Informatics - Protocol Android Nightmare Terminating Soldier, was designed specifically for your use, acting as a seemingly innocent ragdoll, and powered by your childhood love using scavenged Changeling technology. However, should you have failed to stop Nightmare Moon one year ago, her ‘Nightmare Terminating Mode’ would have activated, thus destroying the warped Luna. A regrettable action, but a necessary one. Luckily, such a mode was never needed.”

Twilight tried to cut in, but Agent Black continued. “And so she sat idle and forgotten, or at least she did, until a few nights ago. We believe she has gone rogue, power mad after the ‘love spell fiasco’ boosted her processing cores to critical levels. Such a system was never designed for the affections of an entire populace, after all. Melting her inhibitors, she could no longer recognise Princess Luna as Princess Luna. Instead, all her internal CPU could process was ‘Nightmare Moon’s return’ and therefore targeted her as a threat. A threat that must be destroyed, no matter the cost.”

“But... how can I help?” Twilight’s hooves were shaking at this newfound knowledge, clattering her teacup against her pink white saucer and spilling the caffeinated drink on her lap. “Why don’t you just deactivate her?”

For the first time since they sat down in her residence, Black’s face changed expression. This was perhaps the most shocking thing that had happened thus far. “We no longer have control over S.M.A.R.T.I – P.A.N.T.S, I’m afraid. As we stated, she has gone rogue, and will continue to ignore all orders until her primary objective has been achieved. Not only that, but her tracing beacon was deactivated long ago, and we have no idea where in all of Equestria she is. That’s why we need you. You know her better than anypony.”

The lavender unicorn felt the colour drain from her face. “Ugh... I don’t know where she is. I lost her amongst all the... ruckus, the other day.”

Black and Grey both sighed in union, then rose to their hooves. “Well, that’s problematic. I guess we’d better start searching Ponyville. Thank you for your time. And the tea.” They started for the door.

“WAIT!” They turned.

“Saving Equestria may not have been on my schedule for today, but this is MY doll and MY responsibility. We shared some memories, she and I, and I hope I can persuade her to change her mind.”

Black nodded in silent agreement, but warned her, “This will be unlike any foe you have faced to date, Mrs Sparkle. S-P G4 was built from the strongest Obsidian cloth from Saddle Arabia and is as fast as the Wonderbolts. Her one eye, though damaged, has infrared vision and will display any obstacle as a threat to her duty. She is smart and she learns, and watches, and waits. She will prey on any signs of weakness and has none herself. The perfect AI.”

“In short, a bad-flank robo-tank.” Said Grey.

“I’m willing to take the risk.” Twilight replied, pushing past them and out of the door. “Now come on. We’re wasting time.”