S.M.A.R.T.I. - P.A.N.T.S

by ThatWeatherstormChap

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Twilight Sparkle, Big Macintosh, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Original Character
Length: 3315

Ever wondered if Smarty Pants, Twilight's beloved childhood toy... was a psychotic android bent on destroying Princess Luna? Yeah, you did. Don't lie.

Super Mechanical Automated Robotronic Technological Informatics - Protocol Android Nightmare Terminating Soldier. This is what 'Smarty Pants' or S.M.A.R.T.I - P.A.N.T.S really stands for. For you see... Twilight's beloved childhood toy is not actually a toy at all... rather it is A GOVERNMENT SANCTIONED ROBOTIC KILLING MACHINE!
-TWC

Published 2013-06-19 18:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-06-19 18:10:01 UTC

A Typical Tuesday

                                                                            A Typical Tuesday

Having two government agents knocking at her front door was not how Twilight Sparkle thought her Tuesday morning was going to start.

She examined the duo standing at the door for what seemed like an eternity, before finally asking, “Um... can I help you?”

The first of the two ponies took a step forward. Like his partner, he was wearing a completely black suit, with a white shirt and grey tie underneath.  His mane was short and tidy, dark black in colour, the same shade as his suit. Black tinted sunglasses obscured the colour of his eyes, although if Twilight were to hazard a guess, it would be that his eyes were dull and grey, much like his personality.

“Mrs Sparkle?” He said in a monotone voice, like he was reading from some invisible script. His voice was bland and uninteresting, but oozed with a thick Canterlot accent.

“Excuse me?” Twilight finally stammered, honestly confused at what was going on. She had never been referred to as a ‘Miss’ before, so hearing her name used in such a context threw her a little off guard.

“Miss Twilight Sparkle?” he repeated himself, this time more assertively. He took another step forwards. “Student of Princess Celestia?”

“Yes, I’m Twilight Sparkle.” Being a stickler for manners, the unicorn shot her hoof out in greeting. She expected him to return the gesture, or introduce himself, but alas, he did nothing. He eyed the outstretched foreleg like some foreign object, making no attempt to shake.

The lavender mare rolled her dark purple eyes in frustration. “Here, like this.” She gave the stallion a brief lesson on how to shake hooves with another pony, grasping his left leg and giving it a little shake.  “See?”Rather than thank her for the valuable education, he merely looked down at his hoof, gave it the longest stare, and then wiped it on his suit like he had trodden on something most undesirable.

Rude.

Unnerved by the... oddness of the duo, Twilight took one uneasy step backwards and contemplated slamming the door in their faces right then, right there. She forced a false smile, which ended up looking like a mix between being in extreme pain and having gastric gas. “Is there... something I can help you boys with?”

“Twilight Sparkle, I have something for you...” The colt-in-black began to reach slowly, malevolently into his inside pocket, and it was right then that Twilight decided she was going to shut the door, bolt it, chain it, barricade it, form a protective bubble-shield around the house and hide in her book fort. She liked to call such a procedure the “I don’t want what you’re selling” plan.

“...It’s a letter.” He continued, putting the mare at ease.

Oh. Okay then.

Still, they must have been the strangest mail-ponies she had ever seen. Well, she had ever really known one mail-pony during her stay, and Derpy was rather... eccentric, but these two took the metaphorical cake.

The ‘mail-pony’ pawed through the confines of his suit pocket for a full minute before turning to his companion. “Did you bring the letter?”

“I thought you were supposed to bring it.” The other replied, every bit as monotone as the first pony.

“I did. I distinctively remember putting it in my pocket.”

“Did you try the other pocket?”

“There is only one pocket.”

The second held his hoof to some strange black device which clung to his ear like an eavesdropping bug. “Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. Roger that. Out.” He turned back to his companion. “Did you bring the right jacket?”

“... The other one was dirty.”

Twilight snapped them back to the matter at hand. “No matter, I’m sure that Spike will cough it up eventually. Well, if that’s all...” She began to close the door.

A hoof lodged itself between the door and the doorframe, acting as a makeshift wedge and preventing the door from closing any further. The first stallion pushed his muzzle thorough the narrow crack. “Mrs Sparkle, may we come in to discuss something?”

Twilight tried to force the door closed, to no avail. The pony was unnaturally strong. “That’s... okay, but thanks...anyway...” She grunted in effort, trying her best to keep the strangers at bay.

Despite having a door repeatedly closed upon his face, the black-suited pony still retained his calm, robotic demeanour. “I think it would be best if you let us in, Mrs Sparkle. It’s quite important.”

“I’d quite like a cup of tea.” The second pony mumbled from somewhere outside.

“May we come in for a quick cup of tea?” The squashed muzzle relayed the information, sounding about as convincing as Discord at a dinner party.

“I’m sorry,” Twilight’s voice cracked, just a little. “But I’m all out of tea.”

Just then, Spike came sauntering down the winding staircase which ran along the inside wall of the library, his pink bunny slippers making soft pattering plods with each step. He yawned, stretching his scaled hands above his head and craning his sleepy head from side to side. “Morning, Twi’.” He grumbled, still a little drowsy from his 17 short hours in bed. “What were you saying, there?”

“I was just informing,” grunted Twilight, fighting to keep the door from bursting inwards, “These nice strangers that we are all out of tea.”

Spike gave her a blank, puzzled look. “No we aren’t.” He held up his white ceramic mug, adorned with a big ‘#1 assistant’ which was brimming with the drink in question. “I’m drinking tea now.”

“Spike!” she hissed back. “You’re not helping.”

The baby dragon gave her one of his goofy little laughs and took another swig of tea, licking at his lips with a forked tongue. “Who are they, the tea police?”

“No, we quit the force a while ago.” The second stranger’s voice floated in through the crack in the door. He sounded far too serious to be joking.

“Listen, who are you, and what do you want?” Twilight gasped as she felt the door getting pushed further and further, widening the gap until a full, sunglasses adorned head popped through.

“Mrs Sparkle, we mean you no harm. We work for the government. We just need to have a word. It’s very important.”

This was followed up by, “Also, we brought biscuits.”

Spike eyed the disembodied head suspiciously. “What kind of biscuits?”

“Golden Jewels.”

Spike nodded, seemingly pleased with their choice in foodstuffs. “Any sandwiches to go along with that?”

“Daffodil and hay. And of course, a few gemstones for yourself.”

“Come on in, strangers!” Spike beamed, pushing a protesting Twilight to one side. “Oh mysterious bringers of food, conveyers of candy, welcome!”

Twilight lay sprawled in a heap of books, shaking herself free of the newest Daring Doo adventure which had made a new home atop her scalp. When she rose to her hooves, she saw, to her dismay, that the door was wide open and the strangers (in every sense of the word) were standing in her library, acting all mysterious. And they didn’t even wipe their hooves.

“Fine, I give up.” Twilight sighed, throwing her hooves in the air like she just no longer cared. Her logic was this: the sooner she entertained her ‘guests’ and listened to what they had to tell her, the sooner they would leave and she could get back to her reading. “Make yourselves comfortable, I guess.”

Spike licked his lips, hungrily. “I’ll put the kettle on, then.”

A Perilous Plot

                                                                               A Perilous Plot

Twilight blew her steaming cup before levitating it to her lips. “I’m sorry, but who did you say you were again, and how do you know me?”

The black-maned stallion sat across the oak table, almost obscured by the towering pile of literature which sat on the table, wobbling every so often. They were her reading material of choice for the day, but now it seemed unlikely, what with all the interruptions.

“Mrs Sparkle,” he said in his monotone voice, cradling the steaming hot cup in his hooves like an infant. “My name is agent Black, and this is my companion, agent Grey. We work for the government.”

Twilight tried hard not to laugh in his face. Agent Black and Grey? They had to be the most generic, un-original, unimaginative names she had ever heard. Were this a scene from one of the books she so frequently read, she would scold the author for being so uninspired and downright lazy. But alas, this was real life and although the duo had the collective personality of a damp sock, she was still intrigued.

“Government agents?” Twilight’s eyes lit up. Literally. The doctor had told her that he had never seen anything like it. “What, like Sherclop Pones?”

“Mrs Sparkle, please.” He barked, lowering his cup and wiping his mouth. “We are nothing like Sherclop Pones. Those stories are mere fiction, and this is real, and very, very serious...”

“Anyone want another biscuit?” His partner chirped in, waving the packet of horse-wagon wheels like a cat dangling a mouse. Spike didn’t need asked twice. As quick as a flash, the dragon swiped up a handful of them and stuffed them into his greedy little mouth all at once, chewing and munching and making unsavoury “omming” sounds with every bite. He smiled, gulped them down, and reached for another handful.

Twilight sighed and rolled her eyes. Somepony was going to have a tummy ache tonight, and somepony else was going to spend all night listening about it.

Agent Black shot his partner a warning glare, or at least that’s what Twilight assumed he was doing, for it was impossible to tell what was going on behind those tinted specs. Whatever the case, the warning worked, for Agent Grey kept his mouth shut and drank his tea in silence.

“As I was saying, what I’m about to tell you is very serious. Princess Celestia sent us to you herself, such is the magnitude and importance of this task.” Even though what he was saying was no doubt very interesting, Twilight found herself losing concentration and drifting off into a vivid daydream. His voice was just so boring that no matter what he said, he made it sound as unintentionally uninteresting as possible, and this was coming from a mare who could quite happily read her way through a dictionary from cover to cover. Yet still she nodded, like she had taken in every word. Her mind was miles away.

“You see,” Grey set his cup down on the table. Twilight had visions of a stray hoof knocking the cup over, and rivers of hot tea gushing over the pristine white pages of her books. “We have a slight problem. A big problem, in fact. Perhaps the biggest threat Equestria has ever faced.”

Spike stopped short, hand frozen in place, reaching for a sack of gleaming gemstones. “What is it?” His eyes were wide with fear. “Zombies?”

“Worse.” Agent Grey reached into his jacket and produced several pieces of card. Unlike his co-worker, it seemed as though he had actually remembered to bring what he was meant to bring. He placed them down on the table, shifting a few scattered tomes out of the way, and beckoned Twilight over. “Tell me, do you recognise this pony?”

Twilight leaned over the table at what she now saw were photographs, and when she noticed the pony in question, her face twisted in confusion.

“Wait, Smarty Pants?”

Black nodded and spoke into his earpiece. “Attention, Mrs Sparkle has confirmed the identity of our suspect. Over and out.” This time he spoke to Twilight. “Mrs Sparkle, we’re going to need to ask you a few questions, and we need your help.”

“Help? For what?” Twilight’s face turned scarlet in confusion. “What is going on?”

“Mrs Sparkle, we need you to remain calm. Everything will be explained. Did you hear about Sunday’s incident?” He leaned back in his chair and crossed his legs in a rather suave manner.

Twilight’s heart skipped a beat. Indeed there was an incident on Sunday, and she may have been to blame. After failing to meet her weekly friendship report to the princess, she, as Rainbow Dash put it, had a rather mild ‘freak out’ and decided to solve a friendship problem... by creating one. Of course, this involved a certain ragdoll and a love spell which may or may not led to a mass fight in the streets of Ponyville. But no permanent damage was caused, and the princess understood, so everything was fine... right?”

Gulping, the librarian avoided the silent gaze of the two and stared instead at the ceiling, blushing. “I, uh... I can explain.” She took another drink of tea to help calm her nerves.

Grey sounded surprised, but his expression didn’t exactly show it. He tilted his glasses slightly downward. “Explain what? Explain how Princess Luna was nearly assassinated on Sunday night?”

His expression still didn’t change, even after receiving the contents of Twilight’s mouth all over his face. Still dripping with liquids, he continued. “Whilst Princess Celestia was out here, dealing with your little...” he searched for an appropriate word. “...misunderstanding, an unknown assassin infiltrated the castle grounds and attacked our Princess of the night, Luna, as she made her way to the observatory. Luckily, she was unharmed as several sentries of the Royal Canterlot Guard heard the struggle and came to investigate. Upon their arrival, the assassin fled, but not before Captain Icarus caught glimpse of the shadowy figure’s face in a shaft of pale moonlight... it was Smarty Pants.”

Twilight, dumbfounded, was literally lost for words. It took several minutes for her to even begin to comprehend what she had heard, never mind formulate a response. “W-what? Are you joking?”

“Do I look like I’m joking?” Not surprisingly, he did not. If he was, he must have also been one heck of a poker player.

“But... Smarty Pants is just a doll! Just sacks and rags and cloth! How could... what does... what?” Twilight was a smart sort of mare, but this was just too much. Her head hurt and she was subconsciously afraid that her brain cells were abandoning ship, one by one.

“Mrs Sparkle, there’s something we need to tell you.” Agent Black put a re-assuring hoof on the unicorn’s shoulder. It was ice cold, despite having been holding a warm cup. “Smarty Pants was no mere childhood toy.”

What Twilight heard next was quite possibly the most shocking revelation ever revealed to pony kind.

“She’s actually a robot.”

Okay then.

“Please, allow me to explain. Do you remember when and where you got Smarty Pants?”

Twilight’s mind was a mess as it was, and the question certainly didn’t help. “Uh, I honestly can’t remember. It was sometime after I enrolled in Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns when I was a foal, I think...”

“Exactly. It was Celestia. Even back then,” Black paused for a moment and took another swig of tea. Agent Grey was busy trying to filter out the soggy remains of an over-dunked biscuit from his drink. “She knew that one day, she would have to prepare for the coming of Nightmare Moon. She saw something special in you, some hidden power, waiting to be unlocked by the magic of friendship. And then, when the time was right, she would send you here, to defeat Nightmare Moon and restore peace to the land.”

Twilight nodded. “But what does this have to do with Smarty Pants?”

Grey answered this question. “Well, even though she had the utmost faith in you, it’s always a good idea to have a plan B. What I’m about to tell you is confidential. You most promise to tell no one, not even your closest friends.”

She hated the thought of keeping secrets from her dearest friends in the world, but if it somehow kept them safe, then Twilight was more than willing to keep a secret. She nodded in understanding.

“You legally have to Pinkie Promise. It’s in the paperwork.” He continued.

“Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” Twilight went through each of the actions, reciting the famous Pinkie Promise, known all over Equestria.

“Very good.” A grey metal briefcase was pulled from seemingly thin air, which was growing fatter every second due to the presence of an over indulgent Spike. A click came, and then the case swung open, revealing bundles of hoof drawn sketches and schematics, all labelled, ‘S.M.A.R.T.I – P.A.N.T.S – G4.’ It was her doll, exactly as she remembered her. “She was built to be the most sophisticated prototype AI in Equestria, even surpassing our...” he cut himself short, aware that he was saying too much. “S.M.A.R.T.I – P.A.N.T.S, or the Super Mechanical Automated Robotronic Technological Informatics - Protocol Android Nightmare Terminating Soldier, was designed specifically for your use, acting as a seemingly innocent ragdoll, and powered by your childhood love using scavenged Changeling technology. However, should you have failed to stop Nightmare Moon one year ago, her ‘Nightmare Terminating Mode’ would have activated, thus destroying the warped Luna. A regrettable action, but a necessary one. Luckily, such a mode was never needed.”

Twilight tried to cut in, but Agent Black continued. “And so she sat idle and forgotten, or at least she did, until a few nights ago. We believe she has gone rogue, power mad after the ‘love spell fiasco’ boosted her processing cores to critical levels. Such a system was never designed for the affections of an entire populace, after all. Melting her inhibitors, she could no longer recognise Princess Luna as Princess Luna. Instead, all her internal CPU could process was ‘Nightmare Moon’s return’ and therefore targeted her as a threat. A threat that must be destroyed, no matter the cost.”

“But... how can I help?” Twilight’s hooves were shaking at this newfound knowledge, clattering her teacup against her pink white saucer and spilling the caffeinated drink on her lap. “Why don’t you just deactivate her?”

For the first time since they sat down in her residence, Black’s face changed expression. This was perhaps the most shocking thing that had happened thus far. “We no longer have control over S.M.A.R.T.I – P.A.N.T.S, I’m afraid. As we stated, she has gone rogue, and will continue to ignore all orders until her primary objective has been achieved. Not only that, but her tracing beacon was deactivated long ago, and we have no idea where in all of Equestria she is. That’s why we need you. You know her better than anypony.”

The lavender unicorn felt the colour drain from her face. “Ugh... I don’t know where she is. I lost her amongst all the... ruckus, the other day.”

Black and Grey both sighed in union, then rose to their hooves. “Well, that’s problematic. I guess we’d better start searching Ponyville. Thank you for your time. And the tea.” They started for the door.

“WAIT!” They turned.

“Saving Equestria may not have been on my schedule for today, but this is MY doll and MY responsibility. We shared some memories, she and I, and I hope I can persuade her to change her mind.”

Black nodded in silent agreement, but warned her, “This will be unlike any foe you have faced to date, Mrs Sparkle. S-P G4 was built from the strongest Obsidian cloth from Saddle Arabia and is as fast as the Wonderbolts. Her one eye, though damaged, has infrared vision and will display any obstacle as a threat to her duty. She is smart and she learns, and watches, and waits. She will prey on any signs of weakness and has none herself. The perfect AI.”

“In short, a bad-flank robo-tank.” Said Grey.

“I’m willing to take the risk.” Twilight replied, pushing past them and out of the door. “Now come on. We’re wasting time.”