It's a Mad World

by Sharp Quill

Rating: everyone
Tags: Rainbow Dash, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Rarity, Random, Applejack, Discord, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2885

Discord wants his own theme park. What could go wrong?

Discord wants his own theme park. What could go wrong?

Published 2015-08-25 15:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-25 15:50:01 UTC

It's a Mad World

Rarity could not suppress a shudder.  “Yes, Sweetie, darling, you may… litter.”

Discord held paw and claw together, his mismatched wings buzzing in anticipation.  The other ponies focused on the candy wrapper as, after a few more seconds of hesitation, Sweetie Belle released it from her magical grip.  It fluttered to the spotless pavement.

It just sat there, minding its own business, yet everypony felt compelled to step away from it.  In DiscordLand, it didn’t hurt to be cautious.  “So what’s supposed to happen?” Apple Bloom asked.

“Yeah,” Rainbow Dash challenged, hovering in his face.  “It’d better be awesome.”

Discord waved off the pegasus with his paw as if she were an annoying mosquito.  “Any second now,” he said with conviction.  “You can’t expect things to go like clockwork here.”

They all continued staring at the wrapper.

Scootaloo had enough.  “This is stupid!  I wanna go on a ride.”

Applejack was about to say something, when a dust bunny suddenly hopped out of the nearby bushes.  It scampered over to the wrapper and started nibbling on it, keeping a nervous eye on the ponies.

“OooOOoohhh,” Sweetie Belle singsonged.  “That’s so cute!”

Scootaloo made a move for the dust bunny.  It bolted back to the bushes in response, carrying what was left of the wrapper in its mouth.

Rainbow Dash threw the draconequus an irritated look.  “A dust bunny?  That’s the best you could come up with?”

Discord folded his arms in indignation.  “Well, I did try self-animated brooms, but they kept multiplying out of control.”

“And rabbits don’t?” Applejack droned.

“That’s what the dust falcons are for,” he replied as if explaining the circle of life to foals, eliciting eye rolls and groans from everypony.

Ignoring that, he continued, saying pridefully, “According to Twilight’s study, a piece of litter lasts an average of twenty three seconds before being consumed, thus meeting Equestria’s theme park sanitation requirements.”

“Well, if Twilight signed off on it…” Rarity said, not completely sure.  “But did it have to be… rodents?”

“Ah… that reminds me.”  Discord lifted off the ground, ignoring her question.  “Vinyl Scratch and Octavia should’ve ridden Sparkle Mountain by now, and I need to get their feedback.”  He teleported away.

The mares stared at the spot formerly occupied by their host.  “Reckon we’re on our own,” Applejack observed as she adjusted her hat.

The Crusaders were looking at the nearest attraction, only a few hundred feet away.  “What about that ride?” asked Apple Bloom.

Rarity looked skeptical.  “Isn’t that rather… chaotic looking?”

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes.  “What did you expect?”  She flew over to the Crusaders, who were already eagerly trotting towards it.

Applejack followed.  “I hafta agree.  The whole point of this theme park, after all, was to give Discord an acceptable outlet for his ‘creativity.’”

Rarity said nothing, but followed unenthusiastically after the others.

The ride presented a façade of numerous buildings of various architectural styles from around the world.  In the center was an oversized clock, somewhat stretched and distorted as if it had partially melted at some point.  The two hands were moving at randomly varying speeds and directions, changing size and shape as they did.

But most unsettling was that the attraction had its own miniature Sun and Moon, moving in an arc over the façade in perfect synchronization with that misshapen clock.  Celestia’s Sun held no reign here; the only light, or lack thereof, illuminating the façade and surrounding grounds came from those miniatures.

It even had its own weather system, equally chaotic.  Right now, it was raining chocolate milk from cotton candy clouds.  Fortunately, it barely extended into the areas where ponies would be present.

“Too bad Pinkie Pie ain’t here,” Rainbow Dash said.  “She’d have loved that.”

Giant sponges, that came seemingly out of nowhere, were already at work wiping the beverage off the pavement.

They arrived at the gated entrance.  There was no line, of course.  DiscordLand was not yet open for business.  Today was a trial run for specially invited guests.

Apple Bloom read the sign.  “It’s a mad world.”  None of the letters were capitalized for some reason.

“It must mean ‘mad’ in the sense of crazy or insane.”  Everypony looked at Sweetie Belle.  “What?” she said defensively.

Rainbow Dash drifted past the gate.  “Well, I’m not afraid.”

The Crusaders followed her.  Applejack was about to, but noticed Rarity not budging from where she stood.  “Ain’t you coming?”

The fashionista nervously shook her head.  “I think I’ll wait for you out here.”

Applejack adjusted her hat.  “Suit yourself,” she said, and trotted after the others.

Past the gate was a path, relatively narrow and fenced in by tall shrubbery, that, after bending this way and that, finally opened up into a long plaza surrounded on three sides by the building.  A simple, repetitive musical tune, barely audible before, was now heard quite distinctly.  On either end of the plaza was a tunnel-like opening into the building, one an entrance and the other an exit, and in the middle, floating a foot off the ground, was a… something.

Sweetie Belle tilted her head.  “Is that supposed to be a boat?”

In the moonlight—and only the moonlight, for the miniature moon had just risen—was the oddest looking boat.  Besides the fact it was floating, which boats in general don’t, it looked like it was cobbled together from parts of different boats, each made from a different material—much like Discord himself.  The crystalline stern shimmered in the moonlight.  Sticking out from the side were four unevenly spaced oars, each different from the other in shape and construction.

Rainbow Dash flashed over to the boat, to inspect it from above.  “Heh.  Only three sticks sticking out the other side,” she reported.

“Reckon we’re supposed to get in.”  Applejack led the foals over and with Dash’s help got them all onboard.  How this was all supposed to work when thousands of ponies were visiting, if not tens of thousands, wasn’t completely clear, but that’s what this trial run was about:  uncovering potential problems.

Once they were all seated inside, the oars started moving on their own in chaotic disharmony, yet somehow moving the boat forward in a straight line.  Dusk returned to the west as they entered the tunnel.  The music, getting louder and louder, finally had lyrics, sung by Discord himself, endlessly repeating.

It's a world of chaos, a zany world
It's a world of twists, and a world of twirls
There's so much entropy, that it's time we concede
It's a mad world after all

It’s a mad world after all
It’s a mad world after all
It’s a mad world after all
It’s a mad, mad world

“Perhaps he should leave the lyrics to professionals,” commented Sweetie Belle.

Nopony felt a need to express a different opinion.

The tunnel was bare and unlit, except for what little light filtered in from outside.  Suddenly, the boat took a dive and rushed down into darkness, eliciting squeals of excitement from the foals.  “Awesome!” shouted Rainbow Dash.

After leveling out, the boat banked to the left and approached an opening to a large room.  At the entrance was a large poster, with Discord’s crazily happy face on it, proclaiming “Welcome!”

As they drifted into the room, a herd of chairs was galloping through a field of candy canes, nosily smashing them to bits that scattered everywhere.  No two chairs were alike, coming in different sizes, shapes, and materials.

Some of the candy cane pieces headed straight for the boat, and the Crusaders eagerly anticipated their arrival.  Yet every last one of them managed to either fall short or go far above them.

“Oh, come on!” Sweetie Belle complained.

A flock of books then flew in from somewhere, flapping their pages, each different from the other.  One by one, they dived over the ground, picking up and consuming the fragmented candy cane.  Satiated, they flew away.

Cotton candy clouds formed below the ceiling and began raining chocolate milk.  What was left of the candy cane dissolved away.

“He really has a thing for cotton candy clouds raining chocolate milk, doesn’t he?” Rainbow Dash rhetorically asked.

“At least it’s harmless,” Applejack replied.

The clouds faded away and a new crop of candy cane sprung up as that song kept repeating in the background.  With the boat reaching the halfway point of the room, a herd of chairs once more galloped through the newly restored field of candy canes, and again the shrapnel fell just short of or went over the boat.

“No free candy,” glumly noted Apple Bloom.

The boat drifted to a halt.  One by one, the oars detached themselves from the boat, sprouted legs, and walked away.

“Hey!” Rainbow Dash shouted.  “Come back here!”  But the oars ignored her, not turning around or even looking back, wandering off into the demolished candy cane field and out of sight.

“Now what?” asked Sweetie Belle.

The flock of books again came, feasted, and departed.

Applejack suggested the sensible course of action.  “Let’s just be patient and see if they come back.  Maybe it’s part of the ride or sumthin’.”

The others weren’t happy about it, but there didn’t seem to be any immediate danger.  They watched the chocolate milk rain reset the ground, and the music kept on looping.

It's a world of chaos, a zany world
It's a world of twists, and a world of twirls
There's so much entropy, that it's time we concede
It's a mad world after all

“Can’t they at least vary the arrangement, or something?” critiqued Sweetie Belle.

Scootaloo checked Sweetie’s flank.  “Nope, no music critic cutie mark.”

“Settle down, y’all.  Just be patient.”

The chairs galloped once again.

It’s a mad world after all
It’s a mad world after all
It’s a mad world after all
It’s a mad, mad world

Rainbow Dash stood up and spread her wings.  “I’m gonna fly out the way we came and find Discord.  This music is driving me crazy.”

She launched, only to hit an invisible barrier surrounding the boat.  A translucent image of Discord, only a foot high, appeared at the prow of the boat.  “Please keep all hooves and wings inside the boat at all times for your safety,” it said in a patronizing voice, then faded away.

Dash rubbed her forehead as she said, “We’re stuck in here?!”

Apple Bloom gingerly extended a hoof outside the boat.  About a foot from the side, she touched the barrier.  “Looks like it.”

The image of Discord reappeared.  “Please keep all hooves and wings inside the boat at all times for your safety.”

“It don’t change anythin’,” Applejack said.  “Y’all be patient now.”

Having nothing better to do, they watched the cotton candy clouds form once more and deliver their cleansing chocolatey rain.

It's a world of chaos, a zany world
It's a world of twists, and a world of twirls
There's so much entropy, that it's time we concede
It's a mad world after all

Scootaloo carefully stuck her head over the side and looked down.  “We’re still floating above the ground.”

“So?” Apple Bloom asked.

The orange pegasus pulled her head back inside and looked at Rainbow Dash.  “Maybe you could pushed us with your wings.”

Dash stood up again and flared her wings.  “Couldn’t hurt to try.  Good thinking, sport.”

She positioned herself in the middle of the front row, facing the direction from which they came and bracing her front hooves against the bench seat.  After a few experimental flaps, the boat drifted a foot.  “This looks promising,” she said.

Another image of Discord appeared.  “Tampering with the operation of this ride is forbidden.  Stop immediately.  You have been warned.”

Scootaloo stuck her tongue out at the recording.  “The ride’s already broken.  I don’t see you fixing it.”  The draconequus image did not reply, but simply faded away.  “I thought so.”  Turning to her idol, she said, “Go for it!”

“I don’t know,” cautioned Sweetie Belle.

“What’s the worst that can happen?” Scootaloo argued.  “Discord shows up?  Perfect.  Then he can fix the ride or get us out of here.”

“Well,” Apple Bloom offered, “we are testing this here ride, and we have found problems with it.”

“Good enough for me.”  Rainbow Dash resumed flapping, this time meaning it.  The boat picked up speed, then her wings vanished.

“You were warned,” the translucent image lectured.  “Your wings can be retrieved at the gift shop.  Please be sure to claim the correct set of wings.”

“‘What’s the worst that could happen, huh?” Sweetie Belle snarked.

Dash collapsed onto her haunches as the reality of what just happened sank in.  “He took my wings… again.”  Her anger exploded.  “Wait till I get my hooves on him!”

Applejack gave the pegasus a comforting touch of her hoof.  “It’ll be all right.  You heard the message.  We just need to go to the gift shop.”

“We hafta to get outta here first!” Scootaloo pointed out.

There was no answer to that.

Around them, a flock of books once more grazed on smashed candy canes, and the song continued to loop.

It's a world of chaos, a zany world
It's a world of twists, and a world of twirls
There's so much entropy, that it's time we concede
It's a mad world after all

It’s a mad world after all
It’s a mad world after all
It’s a mad world after all
It’s a mad, mad world

Rainbow Dash covered her ears with her hooves.  “Is there any way to stop that Celestia-forsaken song!”

“Ah know, sugarcube.  It’s startin’ to get on mah nerves, too.”  The farm pony watched a new crop of candy canes sprout.  “Too bad Twilight ain’t with us.  If she couldn’t get us out of here, at least she could block that music.”

“That stupid recording would just take her horn if she tried,” Scootaloo said.

“Mess with a princess?” Apple Bloom said.  “He wouldn’t dare!”

Sweetie Belle shook her head.  “It’s academic.  Twilight’s not here.”

Galloping chairs smashed through the field of candy canes.

It's a world of chaos, a zany world
It's a world of twists, and a world of twirls
There's so much entropy, that it's time we concede
It's a mad world after all

“No, no, no.  This is all wrong.”  Discord, the actual Discord, stood in front of the floating boat, taking in the room.

Rainbow Dash lunged at the draconequus, forgetting about the barrier trapping them inside the boat.  The barrier, unfortunately for her, did not forget it was a barrier.

“At least that’s working as it should,” he said, as the pegasus once again massaged her head.  “Not my idea, I must confess.  The bureaucrats in Canterlot insisted.  Mustn’t let their little ponies have the opportunity to do anything stupid,” he mockingly said.  Noticing Rainbow Dash’s lack of wings, he added, “Lost cause, if you ask me.”

“Just give me my wings back!” she snarled.

“Oh, very well.”  With a bored snap of his talons, Dash was once more a proper pegasus.

Applejack approached the front of the boat.  “Ah reckon ya already noticed, but this here ride is busted.  The oars walked away, stranding us here.”

Discord was surprised by that assessment.  “Nonsense.  This ride is a celebration of chaos.  Stuff like that is supposed to happen.”

Sweetie Belle had joined Applejack up front.  “Then what’s wrong?  This all looks chaotic enough to me.”

Discord’s jaw dropped onto the floor in disbelief at what he was hearing.  He bent down to pick it up and reattach it.  “This isn’t chaos,” he said contemptuously.  “It’s the exact same thing, repeating over and over and over again, unchanging, right down to the music.  This is order.”

Sweetie Belle scrunched her muzzle in thought.  “I… guess I can see that.”

That got a smile from Discord.  “Then this ride has hope yet.”  He snapped his talons and they were all teleported to the plaza outside.

“Finally!”  Rainbow Dash flared her recovered wings and flew out of the boat, only to hit the barrier again.

“Oopsies…” Discord said with faux contriteness, and he snapped his talons one last time.  The boat settled onto the ground.  “You can come out now.”

They all did, glad to finally be free of their prison.  Rarity, spotting their return, trotted over to them.  “Did you enjoy the ride?” she innocently asked, getting groans and eye rolls in return.

“Don’t ask,” Sweetie Belle emphatically told her.

“So what do we do next?” Scootaloo asked.

“May I suggest Sparkle Mountain?” Discord said, pointing at a conical structure in the distance.  “Vinyl Scratch had nothing bad to say about it,” he hopefully added.

Applejack looked askance at him.  “Vinyl Scratch never says anything.”

“How about that ride?”  Scootaloo was pointing at a foreboding building that looked like the oversized home of a very wealthy, but possibly quite evil, pony.

Discord saw what the filly was pointing at and lit up.  “Excellent choice!  That’s Nightmare Mansion.”

“Sounds scary!” Scootaloo said with anticipation and galloped towards it, the other two Crusaders close behind.

Rainbow Dash exchanged apprehensive looks with her two friends, then gave Discord a stern look.  “We better get free, lifetime passes for this.”  Without waiting for a response, she flew after the Crusaders.