Letters to Princesses

by Briarpelt

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Discord, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance
Length: 2372

A collection of short, funny stories mostly in letter format, all addressed to the princesses of Equestria.

A collection of short, funny stories, all about letters to Equestria's princesses. Whenever I think of a new one, I'll add it, but I'm going to mark it "Complete" because all of the stories that are published will be. They should all fit the tags currently posted, but if one should have a tag outside of the others, I'll put it in parentheses by the chapter title.

This is my first attempt at comedy, so please tell me what I can do to improve!

Published 2015-08-20 23:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-01-05 01:55:26 UTC

Luna Leaving (Alternate Universe)

Dear Princess Celestia,

The first thing you will note upon reading this letter is the unusually formal way I am addressing you. No doubt you think I am being silly, or playing some sort of prank. This is not the case. From this moment forth, I must use your title as though I were not a princess. This is because I'm not.

I quit.

There it is in a nutshell, Princess. I have, of course, written a formal letter of resignation, which I've copied and sent to everypony in Equestria. You should receive yours soon, provided that the postal service isn't stopped up for a few months with all the deliveries. Also, you'll probably have noticed by now that all my regalia remains, as I no longer hold a royal title and it is therefore not my right to wear it. However, I have taken my annual salary and all that I wish to keep of my personal belongings. Everything else can be donated to Twilight (she might appreciate it) or sent to some charity. Everything, that is, except for my old armor from being Nightmare Moon, which I want preserved in a glass case in the throne room or entrance hall, if possible. If not, put it in the tall astronomy tower. You'll find it in a hidden room behind that tapestry of an anvil on the third floor.

This brings me to my new occupation. Although I could live quite comfortably on what I have saved up, I didn't quit for nothing. I've decided to go back to doing what I used to do before we defeated Discord and became princesses: smithing. Even though it's not my special talent, I remember how to do it quite well. In fact, that's how I made my Nightmare Moon armor; that stuff doesn't come from pure magic, you know! (This is also the reason you'll find it whole and undamaged behind that tapestry; you remember it was completely shattered upon my second defeat, but I was able to mend it.)

Oh, and that reminds me. Just because I'm no longer a princess doesn't mean I'm going to give up my other job. You remain Princess of the Day, because I'm still going to raise the moon and create the night. I'm just not doing the princess stuff anymore. It is my special talent, after all, and I'm not giving that up. And I'd still be glad to play the hero anytime some disaster strikes that you don't want to deal with. Maybe I'll team up with Twilight and her friends, they might be glad to have another alicorn with them. I'm moving to Ponyville anyway, since the ponies there are really nice and are more or less used to having an alicorn around. Surely having two won't kill them, right?

... Oh, I hope it doesn't kill them.

Anyway, I'm going to open my smithy near Sweet Apple Acres. It's a nice scenic spot, close enough to the Everfree Forest that I can go visit our old castle anytime I need or want to. Maybe someday I'll fix it up and live there again, as I think that at least half of it still legally belongs to me. I'll check on that if I ever want it, and see... do you still want your half? I kind of destroyed it in the Nightmare Moon incident. Either way, I'll probably visit there often to read, so if you ever need to find me, check there. Actually, you might want to check my smithy first, since I'll be living and working there. You won't be able to miss it, as I'll be building it out of dark stone and decorating the outside with night-themed carvings and metal embellishments made of the same blue starsteel that I used on my Nightmare Moon armor. Then there'll be blue- flaming torches, and maybe some glowing gems in the walls... I'll have to have midnight blue or purple velvet curtains... probably an observatory on top of my house, too, and the house will be adjacent to the flat smithy... I'm getting sidetracked. The point is, you won't be able to miss it.

I think that's all for now, Princess. (Faust, it feels so weird to call you that!) I quit, I'm not sorry. Come visit me sometime, we'll have tea or something-- after all, we are still blood sisters. In case you haven't picked this up by now, I'm not giving up my Alicornhood (I don't even know if that's possible). I think I'll actually start looking for a spouse once I get settled in, since I should have considerably more time for that sort of thing-- I'll keep you posted about that, if you like. Other than that...
Goodbye!
Love,
~~Princess~~ Ex-princess Luna
Postscript: Don't even think about coming after me. I'm not going back.
Post-postscript: Don't send the guards after me, either.
Post-post-postscript: Or anyone else.

Luna paused, tapping her quill against her cheek. Was there anything she'd forgotten? Deciding there wasn't, she rolled up the scroll, sealed it, and wrote "For Celestia" on the front before setting it on her desk. Next, she pulled out a stack of parchment. In the biggest letters she could write (one per page), she elegantly scripted, "Dear Equestria: I quit. Sincerely, Luna." Binding it together with a ribbon and giggling, she quickly cast a few simple spells: one to copy the stack so that there was one for every pony in Equestria, and another to teleport it all to the post office, addressing each to an individual pony. Grinning, she checked to see that everything was in place, grabbed the saddlebags she'd prepared, and left her bedroom. She strolled merrily through the halls of Canterlot Castle until she'd reached the kitchen. Grabbing a quick snack, she opened the biggest window and flew out into the night, heading for a small, unassuming village just south of Canterlot. Ponyville had no idea what was about to hit it.

That morning dawned like any other. The sun rose beautifully and steadily, casting a golden light over the peaceful gardens and panicking halls of Canterlot Castle. In the throne room, a guard rushed up to the terrified Princess Celestia, carefully grasping a scroll in his mouth. "We searched her room again, Your Majesty! This may be the only clue as to where she is, but it's addressed to you." The princess nodded grimly, taking the scroll in her magical grasp. She hadn't read for three seconds before the bellowing cry issued across all of Equestria, screamed in the Royal Canterlot Voice:

"LUNA!!!"

Dear Princess Cadence

Author's Note

This was originally going to be a separate story, but didn't have enough words. So, here it is now!

Dear Princess Cadence

Dear Princess Cadence,
The enclosed package contains an object that fell from the sky and hit me on the shoulder today. At first, I thought it must have fallen from the gutter of my house, but after some mathematical calculation, I deduced that the only way it could have reached me where I was is if it was deliberately dropped, or shot, from the sky directly above me, deliberately towards me. Upon further investigation of the arrow (for that was what the object was), I discovered that the tip was coated with a love potion and imbued with several complicated spells. Clearly, it was meant to be a love arrow.

I am writing to you about this because you are the Princess of Love as well as the ruler of the Crystal Empire. I thought this to be within your domain. I could not identify all of the individual spells on the arrow due to their complexity and close ties into one another, but I was sure that you would be interested (hence my inclusion of the arrow with this letter).

I also thought that you would like to know that there's some pegasus who got hold of a bunch of these arrows somehow and is now flying around Canterlot shooting them at random ponies. Whoever this maniac is, she's messing with love like it's just candy to be passed around, without care of whether or not the ponies like what they're getting handed. As I'm sure you know the seriousness of this issue, I thought it best to alert you before the situation can get any worse. Fortunately, I've been prepared for this, and gave myself magical wards against both arrows and love magic several years ago just to be on the safe side.

Sincerely,
Professor Lovenaught
Canterlot University Professor of Magical Protection

~~~)*(~~~

Dear Prof. Lovenaught,
Thank you for returning my love arrow. I know you've known it was me all along, so don't pretend that you're surprised. I currently have a team of elite unicorns working on enhancing my arrows so that they can break through your magical shields. Don't worry, I will find out how to bust them eventually.

I will get to you someday. Nopony escapes the Power of Love forever.

On a more pleasant note, do you have any new crushes I should know about? Maybe that nice stallion with the yellow mane and brown eyes? I can hook you up with him if you want, or anypony you like, really.

Oh, and enclosed you will find a considerable sum of bits. I'm willing to increase it if you want, but keep this between us, please. As in, don't tell Celestia that I'm attacking her city with my love arrows. She doesn't need to know about this, and neither does the Emotional Protection Agency. I act on my own terms, and nopony needs to be messing with my noble work.

Sincerely,
Princess Mi Amore Cadenza

~~~)*(~~~

Dear Princess Celestia,
Recently, I had an encounter with Princess Cadence of the Crystal Empire. She has apparently been flying around Canterlot, shooting love arrows at unsuspecting ponies. I wrote her a letter to alert her that I knew what she was doing, and in return, received a large bribe. I don't know what to do with the money, but I think that it's a good idea to tell you about this.

Sincerely,
Prof. Lovenaught
Canterlot University Professor of Magical Protection

Discord iz best princess!!!!

Deer princess Discord,
U iz best princess! Worship da Chaos Lord!! Plz marry me! We luv u!
Sincerlie,
Discord

Author's Note

I'm weird.

Princesses, Please Help!! A Most Terrible Thing has Occured!!

To: the Princesses Celestia and Luna of Equestria, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza of the Crystal Empire, and Princess Twilight of Friendship

Your Royal Highnesses,
Please help! A horror of the underworld, a thing of the most foul substance on the planet has invaded my carefully kept home! This is, I assure you, THE WORST POSSIBLE THING!!!!! (And I really do mean it this time!) It is a hideous, liquid-oozing blob of hot, steaming chunks in clashing colors, emitting the most putrid smell in the world! I do not believe it is sentient, but such a horrible thing surely requires ponies used to dealing with the foulest things and creatures in Equestria. Once again, please help!
Kindest regards,
Lady Rarity, Former Element of Generosity and Knight of the Friendship Table

~~~)*(~~~

Rarity,
Forgive my impatience, but what is it this time? And why did you send a letter instead of just coming over to the castle and telling me directly? Even if it is as horrible as you make it out to be, I'm sure you could have saved yourself some stress by just asking somepony nearby to help. Of course, if you're really in dire need of my assistance, I'm sure I can find something in one of my books that will fix it.
Your friend,
Twilight Sparkle

~~~)*(~~~

Dear Princess Twilight,
My dear friend, I do not believe you understand the magnitude of the situation. A terrible thing such as this could not possibly be discussed in any manner less than that with which I have treated it, and I wished to alert all the Princesses to this drastic situation. Besides, darling, ever since you introduced your unicorn-accessible version of the dragonfire spell to me, I've been simply dying to use it!

As to your inquiry on the details of the situation, if you must know, it is my dear Opalescence's doing. She had a terrible coughing fit this morning, and hacked up this... thing that is now lying on my carpet. My beautiful Saddle Arabian carpet, that I paid hundreds of bits to have imported! And this DISGUSTING HORROR is just sitting there, while its juices seep into the floor! I must beg your immediate assistance with removing it!
Your increasingly disgusted and horrified friend and subject,
Lady Rarity, Former Element of Generosity and Knight of the Friendship Table

~~~)*(~~~

Dear Lady Rarity,
Please forgive Us for not responding sooner, but We wished to discuss the matter amongst Ourselves before confronting this so-called horror (as soon as Princess Cadenza got over the dry heaves from thy rather revolting description of what Princess Twilight tells us to be cat throw-up). We are assured that Princess Twilight is dealing with the situation personally, and that We need not intervene, but We wished to explain Our hesitation to respond to thee in the hopes that thou wouldst not take offense.
Best wishes,
Princess Luna, Princess Celestia, and Princess *sigh, do I really have to sign it like this, Auntie Luna? fine...* Mi Amore Cadenza

~~~)*(~~~

Rarity,
I'm on my way over. I know a wonderful spell for cleaning up those kinds of messes and another for removing stains and smells, so we'll have it dealt with in a hurry. And I suppose I can't blame you for enjoying the dragonfire mail spell; it is rather fun. See you in a bit!
Your friend,
Twilight

Author's Note

One of my cats threw up the other day, and I suddenly had an idea. What can I say? I'm not one to deny inspiration when it comes.

I hope I didn't completely butcher Rarity's character during this series of letters. I sincerely apologize to all Rarity fans, along with the writers and Tabitha St. Germain if I did.