As I walked home from yet another of Pinkie’s Welcome to Ponyville party, I felt it crack for just a moment. My smile faded and a tear fell down my cheek. Just one though, and before any pony could possibly notice, my smile was back and that tear was long gone. I laughed at something Rainbow Dash had said; or maybe it had been Applejack. Truly, I wasn't even sure who I was walking with, but I wished them a good night and went inside, shutting the door behind me to hear what should've been a simple click echo around me as my ears folded down. I forced myself to ignore it, and instead headed up the stairs; my hooves clicking against the crystal with every step.
Once more, I wondered how Cadance and my brother could handle the sound so easily. Maybe it helped that it was more than just them walking around after two flights of stairs, which I counted until I reached my room. My large bed was already made, ready for me to slide in and try to warm my body between the covers. And yet, I did not feel tired, and sat upon it instead. Looking around the large empty room, I once more, felt the tears fall down my cheeks. I didn't stop them. This time,I just let them fall, soaking into the fur under my cheeks, alone in my giant room. I went to my desk and took out a quill and parchment. I wiped a tear from my eye and dipped the quill into the ink and took a deep breath.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Tonight I thought about killing myself. This was in a passing though, something that just suddenly came on. I even know exactly how I would do it. Just power up a spell and forced it back inward rather than outwards, depending on the intensity of the spell, I could be dead before I even hit the ground. Obviously, as I'm writing this letter, I didn't do this. I didn't and I can't. After all, what would everypony do without the Princess of friendship?
So I say nothing and put my mask back on. How long have I been wearing it now? I don't even think I could hazard a guess, but it feels like forever. I ask this of you Princess, why friendship? I fear most the time I don't even know what it means. Ever since that day you sent me to Ponyville I've asked myself how much of this did you plan? Are my friends really my own because of who I am or is it what I am? There are times I question if I am but a puppet being controlled by some other being.
I thought about killing myself. Just going to sleep and never waking up. I thought about it, but I didn't do it. Maybe they aren't truly my friends, but for now I can at least pretend, and hope that this is not all one, big ruse.
Faithfully yours,
Twilight Sparkle
I scanned the letter for errors as I always did before sealing it and reaching into my desk for a small box. I placed the box on top of my desk and opened it. Lying within was at least twenty other scrolls, just like the one I had finished. I stared at them for a few moments before shaking my head and placing the newest scroll on the top. I then closed the box before placing it back inside my desk, and moved back to my bed. I made sure I put my mask back on, and closed my eyes.
"The letters I’ll never send."
I open my eyes and smiled. I always felt better after writing one of those letters. It was a type of therapy I guess, even though I don't think anyone could understand. And by anyone, I meant dragon or pony. I knew it wasn't right to have these types of thoughts, but who could I talk to about it? Normally I could go and see a counselor. At least I could have at one time, but not anymore. How would it look if the Princess of Friendship had to go and see a counselor because she questioned friendship? Because she questioned love? It would make no sense.
I slipped underneath the covers, enjoying their warmth. Things would look better in the morning. They always did. As I allowed my eyes to close, I curled into a fetal position. I could still feel the dampness that covered my cheeks; remnants of the tears that had covered them. Maybe I should talk to somepony. Somepony I can trust. With that thought my eyes finally drifted completely closed.
In my dreams I was where I always was; an unending library where I could read and not be bothered by anything for as long as I wished. This time though, I wasn't alone. Sitting in my reading corner was a very familiar alicorn, paging through a book haphazardly while sitting on the loveseat. I didn't know why Luna surprised me as I slowly walked over to her. She looked up at me and smiled.
"You realize, Twilight Sparkle, that you are not the only one of us that feels this way? I myself still feel as if the world may be better off without me, as evidenced by the tantabus. But was it not you who told me that I needed to forgive myself? You were, and are still, correct, but I needed help to forgive myself then, and I still need help now.”
I hesitated, unable to find my voice. So I simply nodded, since I wasn't sure what Luna was going to say.
"Send that box of letters to my sister. Let her help you with your pain, just like she's trying to help me through mine. "
Luna smiled as she wrapped a gentle wing around my trembling body. I leaned into her, trying to absorb all of her body warmth. Luna gently nuzzled me like one would a foal.
"I think you'll come to realize that she understands far more than you may believe she does."
When I awoke the next morning, I gave Spike the box and told him to send it to Princess Celestia without question. He did so. About an hour later I received a reply. From the wrinkled paper and messy hoofwriting, it looked as if it were written in almost immediate response. It was still effective though. I felt my eyes fill with tears once again, this time with hope.
As the room flashed gold and I felt trembling wings wrap around me the parchment fell to the floor displaying the two words that were written upon it.
I'm coming
