The Travels: Lets Give Insanity a Try.

by The Producer

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Other, Adventure, Random, Discord, Crossover, Alternate Universe, Main 6, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 16703

Insanity.

(Note: The wonderful artist that created the commission for my story is Thunder Cloud, her deviant art is here: http://karithekittykat.deviantart.com/gallery/

Also, this is a Nathan Traveler authenticated spinoff of The Travels )

Madness.

Such a simple little word. Rolls off of the tongue like a nice glass of wine. Stays ringing in your ears like the first and only ringing of the Liberty Bell.

Insanity.

So strange to think that some kind of primal and subconscious emotion could secure itself into a faction of world governing. Not that I am complaining. Or judging whatsoever.

But that’s the thing. In the entire being of life, there are three powers that are in constant play. Neutrality, Good, and Evil. And their respective Travelers. But recently, there is another power gaining itself a seat in the world.

The power normally known as a nuisance. Complete lunacy.

It’s not good, it’s not evil, and it’s sure as hell isn’t neutral. All it goes for is the continuation of itself. However, it doesn’t have a particular patron god, no matter how hard one would try and govern it, the highest power in its rungs happens to be its traveler.

Which happens to be me.

Published 2012-06-05 02:54:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-24 21:26:38 UTC

Chapter One: Meet the Psycho

Madness.

Such a simple little word. Rolls off of the tongue like a nice glass of wine. Stays ringing in your ears like the first and only ringing of the Liberty Bell.

Insanity.

So strange to think that some kind of primal and subconscious emotion could secure itself into a faction of world governing. Not that I am complaining, or judging whatsoever.

But that’s the thing. In the entire being of life, there are three powers that are in constant play. Neutrality, Good, Evil, and their respective Travelers. But recently, there is another power gaining itself a seat in the world.

The power normally known as a nuisance. Complete lunacy.

It’s not good, it’s not evil, and it sure as hell ain’t neutral. The main objective of this power is its own continuation. However, it doesn’t have a particular patron god. No matter how hard one would try and govern it, the highest power in its ranks happens to be its traveler.

Which happens to be me.

But that’s the thing about being me, it’s that I’m in charge. I don’t know how the very essence of insanity chose me as it’s traveler, but I’m sure as hell not going to waste it. I don’t know if this was planned, but having no superior to answer to makes you feel... free.

No repercussions.

Everything can be filed under the greater good of your cause.

Hell, I can make it rain nothing but fish and jello cups for the rest of a planet’s pitiful and drab existence, and say it was because of a serious lack of crazy in the known life.

And let me tell you, the power of complete unpredictability allows for some wildcards to be thrown on the lap of the poor bastards high in charge of the equalizing powers of life.

And at times like that, I like to say my own personal motto, “Why not?”

I Travel to a planet where there is nothing but females for the population, and they reproduce asexually. Suddenly, I get the idea to completely change their biochemistry so that they depend on same-sex reproduction. Why not?

I think I’m going to do nothing but switch my own sex between male and female for the rest of my eternal existence for nothing but shits and giggles. No one is going to stop me, so why the hell not?

I stand on the surface of a planet where the subterranean race of humanoids are getting oppressed by the surface-dwellers, and decide to lead a peaceful revolution to gain the free will and equal rights of every humanoid on the planet. No one will tell you otherwise. Why the damn hell not?

But... no superiors also leads to a few downsides. Seeing as that I am the eternal beacon of insanity, I can get a bit... carried away.

With that, I mean the rationale behind my thoughts and actions.

If I get too carried away, I just might create something I will regret.

Alas, that is the hardships of being a lunatic.

But I represent change, and nothing known to life can stop that.

Welcome to my world, I hope you enjoy your stay. Stay away from the leg-lamps. You don’t want to know what they do.

By the way, name’s Mentis. Pleased to meet you.

(Lets start the story down there, shall we?)

Feeling the crackling sensation of my magic coursing through my body, I snapped open my eyes to see a thin haze of red obscuring my vision as little bolts of red lightning traveled their way down to the ground.

“How many times am I going to come to a new world feeling like I just had another drink-off against the entire dwarven population of Tamriel?” (Fun fact, that’s also how they all died off.)

Shaking my head, I pushed a hoof against my muzzle while my perception on the world decided to become a rave party around me, spinning and flashing random colors as I stood there in a daze. “Skully, I swear, if this is one of your ‘Magic Pills’”

Everything became clear and peaceful. A manic grin split my face and I let out a little cackle.

“Ooh, this is going to be fun.”

Trying to take a step forward, my face became acquainted with Mr. Dirt. “Mr. Dirt, meet Mentis. I am sure you two will get along VERY well...” I got up and groaned, clumsily flailing my legs to try and balance.

Why can’t any of these new worlds be any easier to move around in?

“Wait,” I noticed something odd about how the past few paragraphs were written, “I’m a pony.”

There’s two things that you need to know about me: One’s the fact that I am completely insane, and the other is that I don’t enjoy having my form morphed. With a scowl, I turned to one of the numerous trees around me.

“You will have to pay for this universe’s sins.”

Then I turned it into a rubber duck.

“Hah! Fear me and my mighty duck changing abilities!” I called out, menacingly pointing my hoof down at it.

Unfortunately for me, my extreme powers went unnoticed, and my glorious battle cry fell upon deaf ears. Maybe I’ll give these trees some of them, just so it will fall upon ears capable of hearing, therefore completely resolving my problem!

Looking around to check that the trees haven’t turned into Ents yet, I sighed, and looked into the sky. “Looks like I gotta get a look-see on just where I am.”

Using my Traveler magic, I teleported into the sky above the trees and proceeded to break the laws of physics to just stand in the middle of the air. (Why? Why not?) Scanning the area around me, I caught sight of a quaint little town that looked prone to torching. Taking a wobbly step forward, I crashed down to the ground again. Mr. Dirt wins yet another round of this immortal battle of gravity vs. my insanity.

“Just you wait ‘til I get my gardening tools Mr. Dirt... just wait...”

Getting up again, I stumbled drunkenly off into the rough direction of where the town was, muttering about equine forms and their susceptibility to getting shot in the face when they broke a leg.

As I got closer to the town, I felt like I was more used to being a pony. The obvious thing to do is to start up a stirring pony Cha-Cha slide.

“To the left!”

“Take it back now y’all!”

“Five hops this time!”

“Hop it out now!”

“Right foot let's stomp!”

“Left foot let's stomp!“

“Right foot again!”

“Left foot again!”

“Right foot let's stomp!”

“Left foot let's stomp!”

“FREEZE!”

“Everybody clap your...” I had successfully entered the hamlet... Somehow. Everybody(pony?) was staring at me. Not like I cared. The job of bringing about insanity had the perks of making you the center of attention everywhere. But I stopped for a different matter. Clapping. As in with hands. Rearing up, I clopped my hooves together and cackled with glee for a second time today.

“I CAN CLAP, I CAN CLAP, LOOKIT ME, I CAN CLAP!”

I Can-Can skipped down into the center of the town, where a nice little fountain was situated. Peering into the fountain, I saw my mane. Boy, did it clash with my coat. It was a big, wavy mane that got longer in the back that reminded me of... of... A MULLET!

Rubbing my hoof from the long front and trailing it down to the identical back, I repeated the old mantra, “Business in the front, party in the back.”

Well, not exactly a mullet. The front was just as long as the back, but it got pushed to the sides. My real hair color got completely changed around, splitting into purple, bright orange, and grass green.

Then something caught my attention on my flank. Something near and dear to my heart. It was a Tiwaz, the norse rune signalling mental stability and justice, turned on its head. It being upside down made all of its meanings the complete opposite, showing exactly who I am.

And right over it, seeming to be hanging off of the top part of the arrow, was a joker’s hat. That just put the icing on the cake there, didn’t it?

A hoof poked me on the shoulder, and I whipped my head to the side to see who it was. I was greeted by the sight of an older-looking mare, with a greyed mane and spectacles, but I knew better. I smelt the dye in her hair-mane-thing. Whatever. I let her continue to talk without a stop.

“Sir? Are you new here? I don’t remember seeing you around recently, and I am sure that I could find you a place to stay if you’re visiting...” She trailed off, undoubtedly because of my stare. I whipped up the most manic smile for her.

“No, that won’t be necessary, however, I got-” I stopped for a second to giggle uncontrollably. It was wonderful to see these beings squirming in the face of insanity, “-one question. Are you the mayor?”

She blinked. “W-why yes! I am the mayor. You can call me Mayor Mare.” Ohhhh, this is going to be good.

“Actually, could we go to the town hall for a second? I have a few things I need to clear up with some paperwork.” Mayor Mare pulled on her official-looking collar and motioned at the dominant building in the middle of the town. Wonderful!

As I followed her, I saw that there was a tattoo on her ass, as well. Yes! A world where tattoos near the rear are accepted! It’s been too long since I’ve been able to flash the one right over my... Wait. focus, Mentis! We got a mission to complete! Hurrying after MM, we arrived at the building in a few short seconds.

She ushered me into the building. The large doors by the front slowly opening. Stepping inside of the large building, I noticed that it seemed that no one else was inside... Bueno.

“So Mayor Mare, is there anyone else inside right now?” She trotted quickly to the large desk situated on the far side of the room.

“No, nopony is inside today.” Me gusta.

Spanish memes aside, I set my plan into motion. Swinging the door closed with a loud thud, I teleported up to the desk, sending my magic coursing through the very fabric of matter. I started to slowly pull out the dye covering Mayor Mare’s hairs, leaving... LEAVING...! A nice hue of pink. Now why would she want to cover that up? Completely ruins the reveal that she was actually a blonde. And also that she was actually a character from Scooby Doo.

Mayor Mare was staring at me in shock, completely frozen by my sheer unpredictability.

Shaking off my confusion, I narrowed my eyes, and I mustered up the most insane laughter. “Listen to me... Hehe, and listen to me CLOSELY!”

Grabbing her in a telekinetic hold, I brought her body over the desk she was sitting at, and forced out foreheads together.

“Now, what you’re gonna do is change the currency taxation of this entire town. Decrease it by a roll of a 20 sided die on an even day, and multiply it by a number rolled by a 12 sided die on odd days. That, or your little grey hair thing will go bye-bye!”

Mayor mare gulped as she looked into my eye. As I let her go and restored the overlying pigment to her roots, she nodded, and blurted out a question, “How can you possess magical abilities? You’re an earth pony!”

I fell on my haunches when that question passed the wall of insanity built up about my brain. In fact, I’ve seen some ponies with wings, and some with horns. But wait, what does it mean? I don’t know about this world, and if I am going to get...

“I don’t know!”

Mayor Mare looked at me with incredulity, stuttering, “W-w-wait, how can you use magic and not know-”

I snorted in exasperation, not enough madness, too much talk. “Amnesia. I can’t remember a thing. Speaking of which, do you have a place where I can read up on remembering things about this place?”

The Mayor blinked before she said, “The library-it’s made out of a big tree. You can’t miss it.”

I smiled at her, turned to leave, waving as I did. “Don’t talk about this, or your little hair secret gets out all the same like the taxing!”

Leaving the structure completely, I turned back to the fountain that looked like it was near the center of the town. Spotting a tree rising up above the quaint, and quite flammable, thatched houses, I made my way there.

Sweet unborn Gods and Goddesses of Insanity, those screen wipes hurt if you aren’t prepared for them.

Anyway, I made my way to the house, Made out of a living tree. Why does this town seem so fun to haze and pillage? I made my way to the front door, doing the only reasonable thing for a public library.

I headbutted the door open.

“HELLO, QUIET LIBRARY!” I shouted out, revelling in the complete chaos I was probably causing.

“I REQUIRE USE OF YOUR FLAMMABLE BANKS OF KNOWLEDGE. I SEEM TO BE RUNNING LOW UPON MINE.” Oh John Delacoux. I love you so.

A purple (lavender?) pony with a horn on its head and a straight mane came roaring down into the lobby that I was sticking my head in. I was surprised that the pony didn’t leave flaming skid-marks when it slowed down. It said in a drowsy and slightly excited tone, “Please, sir, keep your voice down! It is a library. However, have you come to take out a book? I would be more than happy to help you.”

I cracked a smile at the librarian, and pretended to look a little spacey. Perhaps a bit more than I usually look. Spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaacccccccccccceeeeeeeeeee.

“Actually, I can’t remember anything about this world! I have amnesia!”

To the being stealthy and totally-not-an-extra-universal-being part of my brain: High-five! Totally rocked that hide motive check. At least that was what I thought, until I saw the look on the Librarian’s face. Totally forgot that rocking the check for me was utterly failing for any other regular person. The Librarian rubbed at her leg with a hoof awkwardly, and started the conversation again.

“Well then, I guess that we should start with introductions. My name is Twilight Sparkle. What’s yours?”

I stayed standing there, my head being the only thing sticking inside of the library. “Name’s Mentis. how do you do?”

Twilight kept on standing there, looking at me with a mixture of tenseness and confusion. After a few minutes of silence, she piped up.

“Not to sound rude or anything, but are you going to come in, Mentis?”

I nodded, and detached my head from my body with my magic, making it float in with the rest of my body trotting just a few centimeters behind the center of the bottom of my throat, reattaching it when they fully touched together. The face on Twilight was priceless. I stuck my hoof out in front of her, and she shook it with more than a small hint of suspicion.

“There, I’m inside now. Are we going to continue with the learning?”

Twilight threw her eyes over my neck, and narrowed them. “I could have sworn... no, no. It was nothing, let’s get on with re-learning about Equestria!”

There! I learned enough. This place was called Equestria, and if I created small amounts of insanity, they would overlook it. Twilight began to prattle on about some kind of thing called “Windegoes” or whatever they were, and I switched my brain to ‘Scheming/Plotting’ mode to drown her out while still maintaining a face of interest. After the massive history lesson was over, Twilight went off to go and find a few books for me to look over and study in case I forget a few things. I decided to pass the time waiting for her by clapping again.

“Here’s a few books that’ll jog your memory if you happen to forget...” Twilight stopped dead as she re-entered the lobby area to find me happily clapping away. “Mentis...? Why are you clopping?”

Clopping? That’s what it’s called? In that case... “LOOKIT ME, LOOKIT ME! I CAN CLOP! I CAN CLOP ALL DAY LONG! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Chapter Two: How Many Sandwitches?

“Goodbye, Twilight! I’ll make sure to visit once and awhile!” I chuckled as I walked off, relishing the fact that Twilight’s mane was even more disheveled than when I first arrived. Walking aimlessly about the town, I felt as though something was off.

Then I saw just what was wrong.

There was a bright pink pony, just staring at me. Even to me, it was... unnerving. As I opened up my mouth to talk to the pink pony, she jumped straight into the air and broke the laws of physics. A bright smile spread across my face. Looks like my search has just been made a whole lot easier.

Before I could start talking to the pink one, however, she let out a loud gasp and sped off into the distance. Strange. Seems like it’s time to go and find out who that certain somepony is! Wait... did I just say ‘somepony’? It’s like there’s some kind of magic forcing me to say horrible pony puns! The horror, THE HORROR!

Pony puns aside, I still need to learn about that pink pony.

Turning back to the library, I stuck my head back inside of the doorway, and shouted out to Twilight.

“Twilight? Do you know a certain somepony (Oh unborn Gods and Goddesses of insanity, there it is again!) who has pink for all of her colors?”

“Oh, that’s just Pinkie Pie. If you met her, you’ll probably meet her again soon enough!”

Twilight sounded a bit more than distraught that I was coming back. Priceless.

“Really? Well then, can I just wait here to see if I see her again?”

Taking a few steps forward, I was confronted by the same lavender unicorn that I've terrorized over the past hour and a half. She grimaced as I shot her a manic grin. Feeling the sense of weightlessness, I was hoisted into the air and thrown out of the library. Wheeeeeee!

Thudding against the ground, I snarked, “I thought that you were running a public library, Twilight...”

She rolled her eyes and proceeded to slam the door to the library shut. This is why I love my job. Getting up and dusting myself off, I didn’t even bother with picking up my scattered books.

Seeing that I was going to ‘see her in time,’ I guess that my search for Pinkie was about to become a waiting game. That’s fine, I can wreak more havoc while I’m waiting. Walking by a nice-looking stand where there were roses and such, I decided on wreaking a bit of chaos. Imagining the roses as large, sentient piranha plants that I met when I was on an adventure with an italian plumber. The regular sheath of red lighting emanated from me to the flowers, turning them into tiny flower monstrosities poking out of their pots with teeth and fireballs.

The mare manning the cart in question ran about the cart she had, screaming, ‘The horror!’ over and over again before she smacked her face against the hitch side of the cart and passed out on the ground.

Now, before I go even more insane looking for a feasible way to explain how all of this crazy lighting-Traveler magic works, I guess I just need to be upfront about it all. In the world of Travelers, we all have a certain mutation to our abilities. The Traveler of Good has his auras, a way to focus on a certain ability and heighten it along with making its opposites weakened. The Traveler of Evil has an army of shadows that are bent to his will. Finally, the Traveler of Neutrality has her own personal Legion of underlings that are called the ‘Scales of Balance’. Their title is self-explanatory. They keep the balance.

My own power, however, is a bit hard to explain.

It’s basically the ability for the spontaneous creation and destruction of matter. I think about it, and it happens. A good example of this would be sitting on a couch, watching a good show of an angry british man yelling at aspiring cooks. You could remark: I really want some of that food, all I have to eat is pounds and pounds of ramen noodles! For you, that would just be an unfulfilled wish. For me, all it would be is a slight crackle of red lighting right in front of me, and boom! Here’s one perfectly cooked platter of what-have-you, right there.

From what I can tell, the red lighting has been there for the entire time I’ve had this ability.

However, this creation of matter isn’t just limited to gases, solids, and liquids, no. It’s also the creation of whatever the heck I put my mind to. In my mind, I can also ‘create’ magical spells. It’s kinda like binding the entire universe’s laws of physics and common-sense to your will.

Fun, right?

Anyway, the now-carnivorous plants were trying to get out to the street to cause mayhem. While I would have commended my little green babies to go out and cause trouble, I still needed to keep a relatively small profile so that I can find the false God or Goddess of Insanity more easily. And trust me, I knew it was here, somewhere.

I turned my attention to the little green terrors, and changed them back to their natural state. Checking around, I noticed that nopony else had noticed the poor mare’s overreaction. Trotting over to the mare’s body, I set her up as if she passed out at the counter of the cart.

It was the perfect crime.

I decided to walk down the side-street that I was on for the heck of it, if not just to see how much controlled chaos there was to be had. Suddenly, a door popped open right next to me, and a pair of tan legs drew me inside of the house, shoving me up against the wall.

“Alright, I know who you are and why you’ve come here, so, lets get down to business, shall we? I don’t like it one bit.”

I smiled maniacally. Oh look, another white knight who thinks he knows what I’m doing to the world. As I kept my smile on, he turned his head to the side and brought a silver thingie with a blue tip pointed at me. Oh great, it's one of these guys.

“Doctor, we both fully know what we are both capable of. And you know that this was an entirely stupid idea, seeing how unpredictable I am. Now put the screwdriver down, and we can both leave this house feeling as we entered it.”

The doctor gasped, released me, and then he took a step backwards. He spat the screwdriver out, and glared at me.

“I don’t care if you can turn this house into a chocolate fondue fountain, I’m not letting you go and wreak havoc!”

I chuckled, escalating into a cackling madman’s laugh. “Actually, Doctor, I think the chocolate fountain is a good idea! So where would you like it? Your spleen, heart, liver, or lungs?!”

Before he could even respond, I launched at him and brought us tumbling to the floor. I made extra sure to bat the little screwdriver away as we practically took turns in slamming each other into walls, chairs, tables, clocks and various other things that was fun to smash over the heads of another being. After a good thirty minutes of us completely and thoroughly trashing the Doc’s house, we both called it a tie. Summoning up a few glasses of water, I asked,

“So how did you find me so fast this time, Doc?”

He downed a glass of water and set it down on the floor, pulling a set of pictures out from under the little throw rug that we were sitting on.

“Well, yesterday I got a picture of you in your human form,” he handed me a picture of me, floating in the air while bent double laughing at something out-of-shot, “ and then a rough sketch of what you’d look like as a pony.” He handed over a slightly larger piece of paper with a good approximation of what I looked like now.

Whoever keeps on tipping off the Doc on just who I am, I gotta find them. And turn them into a balloon animal.

Putting the pictures down, I stuck my hoof out. “seeing that we’re both sitting here now, can we be men and shake on not trying to get into each other's ways? I promise not to turn your face into a block of granite and you don’t get your meddling hooves into my plans.”

The Doc looked at my hoof for a few seconds before putting his hoof up to mine and shaking. “how do you even know about me every time I show up on a different world?”

He lifted an eyebrow, got up, and collected his Sonic Screwdriver. “Do I even need to say how I know about everything when I have the Sonic Screwdriver with me?”

I just sat there like an idiot while the implications of technology worked its way across my fevered brain. It finally clicked. The TARDIS. The Doctor in his human form coming to check up on the Doc in the universe I was visiting. I really screwed up with The Doctor when I first visited him.

I looked around the house, and almost every single object in it was completely smashed or destroyed. “Well, seeing that we cleared that little misunderstanding up, can I fix your house for you?”

The Doctor just stared at me, as if he was remembering what happened last time.

“No carnivorous books this time, honest!” Activate smile.

He nodded once. Good enough for me! With a clop of my hooves and a brief flooding of the house with my magical magics, and The Doctor’s house is all fine. I turned and left the house without saying one word, fully knowing that I left a few surprises in the house for him to find. Because I can’t help myself.

“IT’S TRYING TO EAT MY EARS! WHY DID I TRUST HIM AGAIN?!”

I trotted away, laughing. Looks like somepony found the fez.

Letting out another maniacal laugh, I headed down the street again, only to be stopped by a large building, shaped out of what looked like candy and gingerbread. I can make that real. Rubbing my hooves together, I reared up on my hind legs and dramatically gestured at the building. With a comical poof and a cloud of smoke, the outside of the building was a real gingerbread house.

Need to make sure that the house was completely delicious, though. You know, quality assurance and all that.

Eh, who am I kidding? I’m just an eternal force of insanity that has the munchies for sugar. Sue me. I’ll probably turn the judge into a duck or something and get away anyway.

I took the time to peer through the windows as I munched on some icing. My heart sank as I saw what it was, it was a bakery. A bakery with cake. I hate cake. Ever since that one time with Sheogorath and being locked up in the Shivering Isles for half of a millennia with nothing but cake that was poisoned. I only got the antidote if I didn’t use my powers to try and heal myself.

Unfortunately, said poison was extremely painful, and Sheogorath himself said that it would be able to kill him with only a few minutes of exposure. I was a good candidate for human testing.

Especially due to the fact that I tried to kill him.

The worst part was that it made me think that my powers were useless if I ate cake, and it would stay that way until I could prove that it wasn’t poisoned. Good thing that it only took five minutes.

Even things that weren’t actually cake, but had the same name. Like Salmon Cakes. One, I hate fish. Two, it robs me of my abilities. Three, who the hell would make a cake out of fish? I mean, it’s fish. FISH!

Lifting my head from the windowsill that had just turned into delicious, the door burst open to reveal no other pony than Pinkie Pie.

“Hey! You’re not supposed to be here...”

She stopped to sniff the doorway. Taking a huge bite out of the gingerbread, she sprayed crumbs everywhere. Swallowing it, she spewed out a string of words.

“Wow, this is the best thing ever! I love having Sugarcube Corner taste so delicious! Wait, you’re not supposed to be here yet, but whatever! We can have a gingerbread house party inside of a real gingerbread house! And then we can have a gingerbread house gingerbread house gingerbread house party! C’mon, it’ll be fun!”

I needed no more invitation for it if it gave me more opportunities to try and figure out if Pinkie was who I thought she was. Besides, there was going to be a party inside of a gingerbread house. A gingerbread house. How many people can actually say they were inside of a life size gingerbread house? Well, two names come to mind, but those stories end up with cannibalism. That’s usually detrimental to the continued healthy lifespan for a person.

Small children and witches aside, I walked into the confectionery after Pinkie bounced into it. I wasn’t expecting the crowd of ponies that burst from behind various pieces of furniture inside of the sitting room of the shop.

“SURPRISE!”

The hackles on my back rose as I stood there with a stupid expression as I waited for the massive amount of ponies in such a small area to gang up on me.

Well, that was until Pinkie burst out laughing at my reaction.

That’s unexpected. At least, it’s unexpected for the type of person that I thought she was. Usually there was a lot more killing and less laughing.

Anywho, let’s get back to business, shall we?

Pinkie walked over to me once I got my face back to normal. Or whatever normal is for an eternally cracked pony. She started to point out everyone in the crowd, a few names sticking in my head for a good bit of chaos to be had.

“Well there’s Rainbow Dash, and Applejack, and Ditzy Doo. Oh hi, Rarity! Ooh, and there’s Fluttershy trying to hide behind the punch table. there’s Twilight, and finally there’s Gummy, my pet alligator!”

I stared at the little scaly lizard for the longest of time. It blinked it’s left eye. What a fascinating creature.

“Thanks, Pinkie! I might just go and talk to a few of your friends!”

I left immediately to go talk to Gummy. I am sure that a creature that shows no sign of intelligence HAS to be a secret agent. Probably some kind of 007 of the pony world. Minus the shag-fests and opposable thumbs.

Trotting up to him, I eyed him suspiciously.

“Gummy, I know that you’re probably more than what you lead on to...”

He opened his mouth and snapped at a fly.

“Fine, keep the ruse, but I’m going to talk to you anyway.”

Again, no sign of anything going on behind those eyes.

“Well, this is about your friend over there,” I pointed at Pinkie Pie, who was somehow making a gingerbread house of Sugarcube Corner, “and what I think she is. I think she’s a fake Goddess of Insanity. Do you know what that is? That’s an imposter to the throne of godhood. Godhood concerning the representation of Insanity in this certain universe. I know this because of an inquisitor inside of me given to me by the very life-force of Insanity surging through every single breath of every single being everywhere.”

I paused, both to catch my breath and to gage Gummy’s reaction. His right eye blinked.

“Do you know what I have to do while I wait for a real God of Insanity to appear? Kill all of the False Ones. Yes, that means I have to kill Pinkie. Why you ask? Well, that’s simple. Because whether she is consciously doing it or not, she’s still tapping into a force she shouldn’t be. A large number of the False Ones usually go around, flaunting their abilities, seating themselves as gods of the universe they find themselves in.”

Glaring over to Pinkie, I wrapped my hoof around Gummy’s shoulders. My voice lowered to a threatening whisper.

“And we don’t want that with Pinkie do we? No, no we don’t. We can’t have anyone be ruining the name of an up-and-coming force upon life, do we?”

Lightening up, I took away the hoof and picked up a donut that was right next to me.

“But, she could just have exceptional abilities. Sometimes the force of Insanity likes to do that to people. Just gives ‘em a little taste of what I can do.”

Gummy opened his mouth and clamped down on my head. It was squishy and warm. I took a bite out of the donut. It didn’t have enough jelly.

“That was all for the reader’s benefit, wasn’t it?”

I zapped the donut and filled it to burst with jelly. That’s more like it.

Look out ponies, I got a hoof full of jelly, a hat full of alligator, and a brain full of nothing!

I walked toward the first pony I remembered the name of, Ditzy Doo. She was sitting in a corner, ruffling around Taking another bite of the jelly donut, I had about one bite left of it when I got into speaking range.

“Hey, you Ditzy Doo?”

I took the last bite as she jumped a bit, somehow sending a swarm of mail at me, getting a few caught on Gummy, and a few stuck in my mane. She stared at my mane for a second before she spoke.

“Oh, hello. Sorry ‘bout that! I was just a bit too worried about work. Hey, aren’t you the new pony in town?”

Shaking my mane free of mail, I handed it back to the grey pegasus.

“What tipped you off, the mane, not-knowing-of-my-name, or the fact that this is a welcome to Ponyville party?”

She smiled and laughed uneasily.

“Well, being the Mail-Mare of the town, I usually know everypony around.”

I cocked an eyebrow.

“Mail-Mare? What’s life like in the mail system?”

As she drew a large breath, I let my mind drift off to thoughts of bubbles, tea, crumpets, and whether or not I could even classify Gummy as an animal.

“And then sometimes I crash into somepony’s house, or windows, and then I completely forget which package is what, and sometimes I mix up the deliveries.”

I looked at the red stallion sitting in front of me, listening to me with an attentive expression on his face. He’s such a good listener.

Actually, he’s also a really nice stallion. No pony else really listened to me talk about work like he has. That, and he hasn’t really stared at my eyes yet. That’s always a relief to be able to talk to somepony and have them not stare at you when you try to talk to them.

Hopefully he’ll be my friend.

I looked over the shoulder of the mailmare, staring at a line of gingerbread houses that just appeared by the snack table. One of them was cracked open, showing off the insides. There was a mini-gingerbread house version of the party going on in the display. Set with a few micro-gingerbread houses. From one of the micro-houses erupted Pinkie Pie. She took in a large breath and shouted out,

“We need to go DEEPER!”

My attention was torn from the incredible display of Insanity powers going on when the blond-maned pegasus spoke up.

“But I guess that’s just what happens in the life of a mailmare, Mr...”

I had completely forgotten to tell her my name.

“Name’s Mentis, Ditzy.”

The main door into the party house slammed open. A bedraggled unicorn walked in and called a few ponies over to her, one of them being Pinkie. After a few minutes of furtive whispering, I felt their eyes boring into the back of my head.

“Well Ditzy, I think that a certain band of ponies want to talk to me. Talk to you later!”

Plucking Gummy off of my head, I set him on the snack table. Turning around, I got a muzzle full of angry-looking ponies. Twilight acted as the head of the little group.

“Mentis, ever since you showed up, strange things have been happening. Now, we wouldn’t usually do this to any regular new pony, but too many strange things have been going on to ignore.”

I cocked my eyebrow. Looks like I screwed the pooch on this one. I thought that I was doing so good at staying on the down-low.

“There’s been cotton candy clouds that rain chocolate milk, corn getting turned into popcorn, apple trees getting bigger apples, along with the animals!”

I laughed. Cotton candy clouds with chocolate milk inside? My search just got so much easier. Even more so than with Pinkie. These ponies definitely don’t like that childish chaos going on, and will probably find out who is creating it. Then I’ll just step into the battle and...

Heh, I’ll do my job. Gladly.

“Well, I don’t know what you are talking about. What can you pin on me, if I can ask?”

Pinkie waved her hoof in the air, practically vibrating her whole body along with the leg.

“Oh, I know! You made the Sugarcube Corner into a Gingerbread House!”

Seeing that they respect the word of their own local lunatic, that means that I’m cornered. I never really was a smart guy for talking my way out of things. The pony with the cowboy hat spoke up as I sat there with a dumb expression on my face.

“Spit it out, sugarcube. Ah know when somepony is lahin’, so no funny business.”

I got up onto my hooves.

“Alright, you got me. I’ll admit.”

A pegasus with the rainbow-colored mane detached herself from the group.

“That... that was too easy.”

I grinned at them.

“I didn’t do the clouds or the other things, though.”

Twilight smacked herself in the face with her hoof.

“It doesn’t matter, we still got Mentis to admit that he has done some of crazy things happening around town.”

Sticking her head out of the gingerbread house, she glanced down the road.

“They’re here. Mentis, I want you to come with me. You may not be behind all of this craziness, but I still want to figure out just what you are.”

I still don’t have any idea on what these ponies are prattling on about, but this is just too easy. I’m going to be done with this universe in a snap. We all stepped outside of the party house, and I stopped Twilight.

“Do you want to know what I do? I do this.”

I shot my magic out again, switching Sugarcube Corner back to its regular materials. The whole gang all stared at me in disbelief. I grinned crazily at the group before I decided to point out what we were doing before.

“Don’t you have somepony to catch?”

Twilight shook her head and galloped off to her library, shouting out,

“Come on girls! We can ask Mentis about that when we are on the chariot! We need to go now!”

A chariot? That sounds like fun.

Chapter Three: Who ordered the Dragonequus? Part one.

Author's Note: Sorry about the wait, it's just been hard as heck to write this shenanigans. Hopefully I'll get part two out soon.

The wind blew through my mane as we approached a castle.

Oh no, a castle. A castle means that there’s royalty, and that means that I have to do a thing I don’t like.

Let’s just hope that the princess is in another castle.

Landing, the entire host of ponies inside of the chariot leapt out and charged inside of the two large double doors.

Excluding me. I’ve never liked people in places of power.

The gate led into an outside walkway, where the six ponies charged down into. It then lead to another set of double doors, and a few stairs leading up to them. Stairs. I hated stairs. Not even out of this body do I like stairs and now I get to tackle them in a body that I haven’t even gotten that used to yet.

I got to the three steps when the six ponies burst through the two double doors.

“Princess Celestia!”

Oh no. They didn’t just break out the ‘P’ word, did they? Royalty. By the Gods, do I hate royalty. Way back in the 14th century, I served under a king. Don’t quite remember what country it was, but he was obsessed with complete loyalty.

“We came as fast as we could!”

I stumbled up the first step, landing jaw-first. I hate stairs. Anyways, as I was saying with the King, he had all of his servants hypnotized by a gypsy from Romania. It turns out I’m very susceptible to mental imprinting, so I was a golden example of how well it worked.

“Thank you, Twilight. Thank you all.”

Up yet another step, shakily getting balance. Have I told you how much I hate stars? GOOD, BECAUSE YOU’LL HEAR IT ANOTHER THOUSAND TIMES. Now back to the interesting self-narration. Unfortunately, the brainwashing was too good, and now I have to act upon the wishes and commands of any person, or pony in this case, that has a certifiable seat of power within a monarchy.

“Is this about the weather, and the animals’ weird behaviour? What’s happening out there? Why isn’t my magic working, what’s up with this crazy pony we found that’s causing things like this-”

The speaker abruptly stopped mid sentence. Great timing for me to break into the scene. Even if it was in a place of royalty. That was a good entrance until I tripped up the last step.

Tumbling into the room, I smiled under my hair that had flopped over in front of my face.

“Best time for a ‘Speak of the Devil’ moment ever I’ve seen one. Now what were you saying about me, Twilight?”

Gathering myself up, I saw the brightest pony I’ve ever seen on top of a very large set of stairs overlooking the entrance of this room staring daggers into me as the lavender unicorn slightly ahead of me did the same. Wait, there was something wrong about the first pony...

Well for one she was huge, well, she was to what I think the status quo is for regular ponies. And then she had both a horn and wings with her. That, and a tiara. Gods and Goddesses of Insanity, this is who I have to bow down to and swear fealty towards for my time in this world?

This needs to be fixed as fast as possible.

Twilight spluttered a bit as she stared at me with eyes filled with indignation. “This is the stallion I was just talking about, Celestia! He’s been able to do things like what’s been happening lately, but he denies ever doing the things with the clouds and the animals and my magic and-”

The Princess lifted her hoof to silence Twilight, not moving her eyes off of me. “Interesting. Do not worry Twilight, I will take care of this stallion. As for now, I called you six here for a matter of great importance. Come with me. Sir, if you could stay out here while I discuss this matter to these six? I’ll talk with you once I am done with them.”

More of a statement, but whatever. She turned on her hooves and opened another set of double doors. The six ponies marched up the flight of steps and filed into the doors, closing behind them with a muffled thud.

For just a second, let’s recap of what’s just happened. One: I am Mentis. Two: I hate royalty. Three: Royalty just left me alone inside of her castle. Four: I’m bored.

What do you think is going to happen? Insanity? Good. At least I don’t have to explain myself for the billionth of times.

Looking around me, all I saw were about three more doors, and a large about of tapestries. Well, I can’t wreak much insanity here, can I? For starters, let’s just turn the tapestries into cheese. After a brief poof and the smell of rapidly-aging dairy, all of the tapestries were dairy product. Looking around, there really wasn’t much I could do without immediately alerting the entire castle of what I was doing. So I did what was the next best thing. Listen into conversations of monarchs!

Quickly stumbling up the steps to the two wings, I approached the left doorway that the ponies entered. Pulling the earpieces of a stethoscope out of my hair. I popped them into my ears. Then I pulled out the end of the stethoscope out of my mane. This was my special stethoscope, modified by me especially for what I used for it. By modified I mean just attach a car battery to the chord connecting to the flat thing at the end to the earplugs with a few shoelaces and call it good. I put the car battery on the floor.

Placing the flat thing to the door, I heard the ponies inside talking about something. It sounded like I came in right in the middle of the Princess explaining what was happening.

“- is the mischievous spirit of disharmony. Before my sister and I stood up to him, he ruled Equestria in an eternal state of unrest and unhappiness.”

This actually sounds like the status quo. Might be good to listen to goody two shoes sparkly Princess whitehorse talk about it. But before that, it was time to turn on the battery. Moving my hoof down to the top of the large box, I turned the self-inserted switch to start energy flow. The battery lit up and it started to make a distant humming sound.

“Luna and I saw how miserable life was for earth ponies, pegasi, and unicorns alike. So after discovering the Elements of Harmony... We combined our powers and rose up against him, turning him to stone.”

As the car battery began to flash a bit and hum just a mite louder, another voice interrupted the Princess’s. An abrasive, tomboyish voice broke out from the Princess’s natural monarchical speak.

“All right, Princess!”

“I thought the spell we cast would keep him contained forever. But since Luna and I are no longer connected to the Elements... The spell has been broken.”

Twilight interjected the Princess.

“No longer connected?”

Elements of Harmony, huh? Sounds like something I should know more about... Or completely blow off. I looked down, glancing at the now violently shaking car battery. Looks like I can access the special modification soon. I might need it.

“This is Canterlot Tower... where the Elements are kept inside since all of you recovered them. I need you to wield the Elements of Harmony once again and stop Discord before he thrusts all of Equestria into eternal chaos!”

Eternal chaos... Oh-hoho yes, I found my mark. Twilight interjected again.

“But why us? Why don’t you-”

“Hey look! We’re famous!”

Pinkie Pie. No one can mistake that voice.

“You six showed the full potential of the Elements by harnessing the magic of your friendship to beat a mighty foe. Although Luna and I once wielded the Elements, it is you who now control their power, and it is you who must defeat Discord!”

The battery suddenly stopped vibrating and initiated its last charge-up stage... Which it completely failed and shot a poof of soot into the air. Frowning, I pulled a wrench out of my hair and smacked the battery a few times. That led it to work, and I happily slid the wrench back into my mane. Checking to see that everything was connected with shoelaces, I turned the battery on fully. Which did nothing. What do you think a battery connected to a stethoscope would do? I’m not MacGyver.

“Princess Celestia, you can count on-”

“Hold on a second! Eternal chaos comes with chocolate rain, you guys. Chocolate rain! “

“Don’t listen to her, Princess. We’d be honored to use the Elements of Harmony again.”

There was a short silence and just the sound of clopping hooves against stone as the ponies inside of the wing moved around for a bit. Suddenly, a posh accent broke out.

“Oooooh… You can keep the Elements. I’ll take that case!”

Whatever these Elements are, they must be some kind of rare thing or something. Sounds just like the type of thing I would reduce to nothing but bubbles, confetti, and little bits of cheesecake. As I was wondering about the Elements, Celestia spoke up again.

“Have no fear, ponies. I have total confidence that you will be able to defeat Discord... With these.”

There was a prolonged silence as I heard the echos of a heavy object being dropped rebounding off of the walls. Then Pinkie piped up.

“Oh, well. If anyone needs me, I’ll be outside in the chocolate puddles with a giant swizzle straw!”

Oh shoot, Pinkie incoming! Abort mission, abort mission! Where’s my cardboard box and sneaking suit? I stowed my magical MacGyver stethoscope back into my mane of holding plus five and fell down the flight of steps that led to the entrance. Jumping under the carpet, I sneaked my snout out from under my improvised blanket to look at the doors.

After a bit of time of sitting under the carpet, I fell asleep. What? I was bored and the castle was deadly quiet. I also had the biggest blanket ever and it was raining the nicest amount of chocolate milk outside. After a bit of dozing, I was woken up by a strangely echoing laugh that seemed to break through the heavy double-doors that lead to the herd of ponies. The echoing laugh then turned into a voice.

“Make sense? Oh, what fun is there in making sense?”

Warping up to the door from under the carpet, I reached back into my hair with my hooves. Unfortunately, I seemed to have shoved my stethoscope too far into my hair, and it’s now gone. I suddenly sneezed, spitting out the stethoscope with the car battery and the wrench I used earlier, along with a little rubber duckie. I placed the wrench back into my hair, and put the random duck on point to watch my back. The voice spoke out again.

“Did you miss me, Celestia?”

There was a short pause as I clumsily put the earpieces back into my ears and smacked the metal part back to the door. The voice spoke up again.

“I’ve missed you. It’s quite lonely being encased in stone, but you wouldn’t know that, would you? Because I don’t turn ponies into stone!”

Celestia cut in against the voice’s accusations.

“Enough! What have you done with the Elements of Harmony?”

I was getting the feeling that this voice was the voice of Discord. Oh, the fun that we could have together, setting bubbles on fire, and when they pop, molten caramel pours out of nowhere! Fun, isn’t it?

“Oh, I just borrowed them for a teensy little while.”

“You’ll never get away with this, Discord!”

“Oh, I’d forgotten how grim you can be, Celestia. It’s really quite boring.”

He was right. Celestia is really boring. This man speaks of truths that no other would dare utter.

“Hey! Nopony insults the Princess!”

There was a meaty sound, the sound of a body smacking into glass as somepony charged the glass after that line. Guessing the speed required to make that much of a cartoon logic noise, I would say that it was one of the pegasi that did it.

“Oh! You must be Rainbow Dash, famed for her loyalty—the Element of Harmony you represent.”

“That’s right! I’ll always be loyal to the Princess!”

Rainbow Dash, huh? Either she’s incredibly stupid, or incredibly thick headed. Judging from the noise, I would guess both.

“We’ll see about that.”

That line from Discord was followed by an ominous laugh. Or was that omnius? I can’t quite remember which from what.

And in a different universe, a certain Traveler got a random chill as he thought that he heard his name from his boots.

“I can’t believe that we’re wasting our time on this tacky window.”

There was that posh voice again.

“The beautiful Rarity, representing the Element of generosity, if I’m not mistaken.”

“So yah know who we are. Big deal.”

“Oh, I know more than that, Honest Applejack.”

“You seem to know our strengths too.”

“Yes, Twilight Sparkle. And yours is the most powerful and elusive Element—magic. Fluttershy’s is kindness and Pinkie Pie’s is a personal favorite of mine—laughter.”

I was seriously confused at this point. Were the things that they were getting the Elements what they were going to use, or were they themselves Elements? Whatever, I’ll figure it all out once the insanity really starts to roll. Pinkie started to giggle and snort at something, something that obviously annoyed Twilight.

“Pinkie!”

“He’s standing on your head!”

Admittedly, that is pretty funny. I might try that sometime in the future if I feel like it.

“Stop stalling, Discord! What have you done with the Elements of Harmony?”

“Oh, so boring, Celestia, really! Fine, I’ll tell you, but I’ll only tell you my way.

To retrieve your missing Elements,
Just make sense of this change of events.
Twists and turns are my master plan,
Then find the Elements back where you began.”

A riddle, huh? I took a step back from my face-smashing up against the door and stowed my stuff back into my hair. I guess that’s the best way to completely dupe your enemies into not-incasing-you-back-into-stone via hiding the macguffin. But the best way to win is by just completely hiding said macguffin. Deep space rockets, anyone?

Unfortunately, my own thinking caused me to be smeared onto the wall by the double doors suddenly and violently being thrown open by a stampede of multi colored ponies. I shimmied my way to the top of the doors, balancing my nearly 2D form easily on the wide door’s top. Sticking a hoof into my mouth, I blew myself back into form. As I prepared to jump off, Celestia called from the wing.

“Mentis, if you could enter this wing, please.”

Basing it off of her tone, she didn’t know that I was up here.

Time for a surprize round.

Walking onto the wall over the door, I popped my head into the wing from the ceiling. Everything looked funny, hanging off of the roof.

“You called~?”

Celestia looked up at me, her face filled with a strange mix of surprize, annoyance, and bemusement.

“Mentis, get down from there. I need to speak to you.”

Tsking under my breath, I clopped my hooves together, teleporting and floating mid-air a few feet from Celestia.

“Yes, Celestia?” I put my front hooves under my chin and fluttered my eyes at her as I did lazy little barrel rolls in the air. “I didn’t know you wanted to talk to me. I mean, I know I’m a good looking pony, but this is just too much~!”

Celestia stared at me with hard eyes. I sighed and started to backstroke through the air, slowly floating down the hallway.

“What’s the matter, Celestia? Can’t take a joke when your Equestria is on ‘the brink of eternal chaos’?” Twisting through the air, I turned to face her. “Or is it the fact that I’m just like him, huh?”

Celestia put her hoof on the bridge of her snout.

“Mentis, could you be serious, if just for one moment?”

I stopped, eyeing her for a good long time. After about five minutes of awkward silence, I broke out into wall-shaking laughter.

“HAHAHA! Celestia-pffft. That was how long I can be serious. In fact, I just used all of my serious for the next year. I saved it special for you, Celly~!”

Her jaw hung limp as she was knocked off track by me yet again. I landed on the ground just to zap into the stained glass windows.

“You know, this feels ticklish,” I looked about my 2D plane of existence, sporting a piecemeal creature that looked to be controlling three ponies. I glided up, lounging on the creature. “I guess that this is the aforementioned Discord, Celestia?”

Celestia stood there and stared at me, as if I was some kind of obscene picture carved into a wall.

“You’re... You’re mad.”

Smirking, I teleported out of my dimension and popped up next to Celestia, reared up and leaning against her side. I idly rubbed my hooves together as I brightly said,

“Why thank you for that, Celestia! I really appreciate it. Now, about that guy in that window...”

I trailed off, hoping that she’d answer me before the shock of my sudden appearance wore off and she would royally kick my flank.

“Yes, that is Discord.”

Then she finally realized just what I was doing and she took a step away from me, leaving me to lean on thin air.

“Mentis... You do not act like my little ponies, you aren’t one of them, are you?”

I laughed at that as I dropped down to four hooves.

“What made you suspect this? The chaotic powers, the insanity, or the inherent disrespect of the land’s leader?”

She blinked at me as her horn flared into life.

“Actually, it wasn’t any of them,” She handed me a picture of me in my pony form, one that suspiciously looked like a picture that I saw before... “I believe that the tip came from a pony named Dr. Whooves.”

My eyes narrowed. Hell hath no fury for a madman scorned, good Doctor. I hope you know just how big of a can of whoopass you have just gleefully opened. I also hope you know what flavor it happens to be.

Taking my eyes from the picture, I grinned.

“Well Celestia, it’s also ‘cause I’m not one-a your ponies.”

I thought about it and added in a wink.

“But if you want, I could pretend~”

Celestia’s eyes narrowed as she fluffed her wings up and pawed at the ground. Uh-oh, I struck a nerve.

“No. You will show me what you are, and you will show me it now, Mentis.”

A little prickle at the back of my mind reminded me on just who I was talking to. Yup, gotta do it now. Yay.

Grinning up at her, I cracked my neck.

“Alright, Princess,” I couldn’t keep the scorn from infecting my speech like the zerg infests worlds. “I’ll show you. But mind not looking too close at the transformation, sometimes people say it looks nasty the first time. Shows too many squishy bits.”

Yup, I can transform from the body that the universe gives me, if any, to my natural human form. It’s a neat little trick when you can’t use your regular weapons in a form that you got, even better of a trick that somehow automatically gives you your clothes. It’s also a nice little shock tactic when your enemies expect you to be one thing, and you suddenly turn into something completely alien to them.

The transformation itself isn’t too uncomfortable, usually just a mild ticklish sensation, but sometimes it gets a bit painful, depending on what form I have to switch to. I reared up as I let go of my current form, getting a bit taller as the fuzziness around me increased and finished the end of the body morph.

I snap-pointed at Celestia and winked again as she continued to stare at me with a contemplative expression.

“Like what ya see, Celly?”

She tilted her head down and talked to herself for a bit, and I could pick up just a few words.

“Looks like they were right...”

Then she lifted her head again, her eyes filled a guarded hopeful shine.

“So, Mentis. What do you plan on doing here?”

I stretched out my arms and cocked my head at her.

“Well, right now, I got my sights set on Discord. After that, I might put my summer house here. I like the atmosphere, and your little ponies scurry when a bit of insanity is introduced.”

Celestia had a guarded smile after that statement, and I decided that she needed to cut loose.

I slid up to Celestia and draped my arm over her neck.

“Ya know, for an all-powerful ruler, you really need to learn how to relax.”

With my free hand, I snapped again, summoning a floating oven to me. Putting on an oven mitt that came out of my hair, I opened the door and pulled out an aluminum baking tray covered in the best creation known to man: Pizza Rolls.

“Here’s something to get your mind off of things,” I wafted the smells of the pan under Celestia’s nose. “Pizza Rolls~! They don’t have pepperoni in them, I made sure of it~!”

Suddenly, I heard the babbled squeals of the six ponies that had just smashed me to the wall. Leaving the pan to continue shuffle itself under Celestia’s sniffing nose and the mit to fall to the floor, I screamed out to general direction of the group,

“WHOOPS! LOOKS LIKE SOME-PONY JUST GOT OWNED BY DISCORD! MY SERVICES MIGHT HAVE BEEN USEFUL, BUT NO. YOU GOTTA LEAVE ME WORSE THAN WHEN COYOTE FALLS FOR THE OLD PAINTED TUNNEL IN THE ROCK TRICK!”

Ahem.

I turned myself to see Celestia levitating one of the little packets of delicious.

“And what does this have inside of it?”

I grinned.

“Nothing but cheese and tomato sauce, Celestia. Nothing but delicious.”

I suddenly got an idea, grinning and rubbing at my chin.

“So Celestia, do you like bananas?”

“Well, well, well. Somepony broke the ‘no wings, no magic’ rule.”

Discord snapped his fingers, returning everypony’s Celestia-given natural talents back.

“Game’s over, my little ponies! You didn’t find your precious Elements. Looks like we might be due for a big old storm of chaos.”

Discord retrieved and opened up an umbrella, it mewling like a cat as he did so. Twilight stepped foreward.

“B-but I don’t understand?”

I teleported from where I was standing to show up next to Twilight. She gasped in shock and Discord eyed me with guarded curiosity. Squatting down next to Twilight, I leaned a bit against her.

“Well Twilight, it’s simple really. Discord owned you, and now he won,” I put a handkerchief over my hand. “Even if you DID have the Elements,” I made a gesture over my hand and summoned Twilight’s element when I removed the cloth. :You wouldn’t be able to use them.” I sent the crown back to its hiding spot as I made a marshmallow equivalent. Then I took a bite, elicting a gasp yet again from Twi and a chuckle from Discord. “Caush’ RD just left.”

I straightened up and motioned to Discord. “Isn’t that right, Discord?”

He nodded again as I shoved the rest of the shmallow-Element into my mouth.

Looking down at Twilight, I could taste the four-oh-four error coming off of her brain. Her jaw flapped a few times, not making a sound as her thoughts raced to update with the things that just happened. I can’t wait until they do.

Updating...

Updating...

Updating...

Click!

Updating competed!

“You just ATE THE ELEMENT OF MAGIC!”

I widened my eyes and placed a hand on my stomach.

“Really? No wonder it tasted like Metaphysics.”

She spluttered incoherently as she seemed to prepare the most exquisite swear of all time.

“... AND THEN YOU CAN ALL CLIMB INTO A CANNON AND JAM YOURSELVES SO FAR UP CELESTIA’S FLANKS THAT-AND THEN ONCE I’M DONE WITH YOU IN A CASTLE SO FAR AWAY THAT NOPONY CAN HEAR YOU-ALAKAZAM!”

After she was done, even Discord had a blush on his face. However, I fed off of her frustrations. So, I burped up a little gem like the one on the top of the crown and rubbed it against my hand.

“You know Twilight, I think that Celestia would like to know what feelings you have for her when you can describe the uses of her flanks so well. Heck, I might even want in on that. You know, cause Celestia’s got the hots for me~!”

I took a bite out of the gem.

Twilight exploded. No, really, she exploded into a hot flaming fire monster. It was impressive, really.

Backing up, I summoned a bucket and dumped its contents all over Twilight. What I didn’t notice was that said bucket was filled with fish.

Well, it did calm her down.

But I don’t know if that means that I’m going to get my ass kicked.

So there was Twilight, standing there. Covered in fish. With nothing coming out of her mouth as she stared off into space.

“One... Three... Five... Seven... Eleven... Thirteen...”

Twilight was counting prime numbers. I am so screwed.

“Seventeen... Nineteen... Twenty-three... Twenty-nine...”

Not wanting to be there when she was finished with counting up, I teleported next to Discord.

“Seeing that I’ve completely made you angry, I don’t think that either Discord or me will want to be anywhere near you when you’re done... Ciao!”

Grabbing onto his tail, I turned and teleported away yet again, us ending up just outside of Canterlot.

Chapter Four: Kentucky Fried Dragonequuis

Right as Discord was about to speak, I turned towards Canterlot and raised a hand to silence him. After a moment, there was an explosion and a pillar of purple smoke rose up from behind the main castle.

I couldn’t keep a stupid grin from plastering itself across my face as the shockwave smashed into us.

Then I realized that there was a Draconequus standing behind me that I had to take out to the drycleaners and cooked in the chinese store next door. I stood up fully and pulled out a rather thick book.

“You know Discord, I would engage in witty banter with you, but...”

I handed the book over to Discord, who read it with a look of amusement.

“But this is the script! We can’t just blatantly murder the fourth wall! That isn’t in good taste nor writing.”

I raised an eyebrow at him, knowing the mental derping known as the author, out there...

Somewhere.

“C’mon, the Author can’t come up with any type of good way to start this, so just jump straight to the fight and cut him some slack.”

Discord crossed his arms and sucked on his cheek.

“Won’t the readers be mad at both him and us?”

I poofed a rubber duck into my hand, and squeezed it. Instead of a quack, it sang like it was in immense rage.

“Discord, we’re the fucking entertainment here, what do we care! I hit you with a frying pan, they laugh, and shout for more!”

Discord took out a frying pan and placed it upon his head. I guess he just needed a drying pan.

Oh Gods and Goddesses of Insanity, that pun hurt.

“Right, so, Mentis, shall we get this train on its wheels?”

I pulled up a bazooka from a little dimension in-between dimensions, aiming it slightly above Discord.
“Go long.”

Firing the bazooka, the missile went sailing off past Discord’s head, who ran after it and hit it back with a baseball bat, a baseball hat turned askew. I watched it sail back at as I stood still with a badminton racket in my hand. I smirked as it got in armslength, and sent it back, whispering,

“It's Showtime..."

I lobbed it back with a quick flick of my wrist, widening my stance as I selected a tennis racquet as my next serving implement, watching Discord with interest. He caught it in a lacrosse stick and catapulted it back at me.

“Serve’s up!”

I smacked the shell right back at Discord, who ran after it, screaming,

“I got it, I got it!”

When he did catch the bazooka rocket, an end zone sprung up along with goalposts from the ground. Discord did a little victory dance and spiked the ball into the ground...

Which promptly exploded the rocket right in Discord’s face. He was comically charred black, and spat out a little cloud of soot when the dust cleared. I stalked forward with an insane grin on my face as I asked him,

“So Discord, how does it feel, getting quickly seared?”

He didn’t look amused at the sudden re-coloration, so I decided to make him happy with an impromptu flying lesson via sudden lack of gravity. As Discord slowly pirouetted in the air, I conjured up a nifty little toy called a sawdust cannon. It shoots something like dust or things fun like that up into the air and then sets it on fire.

Yes, I love my sawdust cannon. It’s even better when you fill it with coffee creamer, then it makes a nice bang, and it adds a nice flavor to whatever you are setting fire to or exploding.

Now, for all of you out there reading this and saying ‘No, you aren’t!’ Yes. Yes I am. Right as Discord’s drifting path went over the cannon of fiery canon, I set it off, Discord getting caught in the towering conflagration. I felt the heat from a few feet away, and I slowly rubbed my arms to get the awkwardness of shifting forms. When Discord popped out of the fire, he wasn’t a
Draconequus no more, he was a large paper bucket with the initials KFD on the sides, along with a nice picture of Discord’s crazy mug.

I reached for the particularly juicy-looking wingshank right in front of me, and took a bite. It was good, but dry and needed just a hint of sweetness. “Needs more barbeque sauce.”

With a bit of a rumbling within the bucket, Discord’s head popped out of the pile of fried Draconequus and asked me,

I offered a bite to Discord, and he took it, chewing thoughtfully. He rolled his eyes all around as he chewed deliberately. Swallowing, he nodded soundlessly and jumped off of the pile, rolling away. I stood there with the bucket for a good fifteen minutes as I waited for Discord to return. I of course, spent most of my time turning trees into rubber ducks, clouds into rubber ducks, everything and more into rubber ducks, and one piece of KFD into a reuben sandwich. He did eventually roll all the way back to me, a bottle of Famous Dave’s BBQ sauce in mouth. I accepted the bottle and promptly punted Discord’s head away, slathering the various cuts of meat in the delectable sauce.

The bucket rumbled as I was chewing on a non describable cut, Discord’s ugly mug slowly growing from the paper bowl. I kept on chewing and staring neutrally as he continued to grow fully out of the bucket, feet still inside it as I held it up to my chest.

“So, I guess you want this back, do you?”

I swallowed the last chunk of meat and handed the bones back to my latest friend’s paw. He still didn’t have his wing back, so I promptly opened up my mouth and reached down into my stomach, pulling the bat-wing out. Smiling up at Discord’s face, I wiped it off a bit, and huffed all over the joint.

Discord cleared his throat and gestured down at his feet. Right.

“Paper or plastic?”

Discord took a second to think about his answer, then squatted down into the bucket, somehow fitting nice and snugly inside of the tiny container.

“Plastic, most definitely.”

I promptly turned him into a paper bag and went running off of a nearby cliff with him, using the now bagged-Discord as a parachute. When we hit the ground at a blazing speed, I went forward in a tight roll, springing back up with a ‘tah-dah’ and jazz hands.

You can never have enough jazz hands.

Looking out from under my spontaneous-fedora that appeared when I broke out into the jazz hands, I saw Discord standing there with a shotgun in his hands.

“Mentis season!”

I straightened up and took the gun from his hands.

“Discord season!”

He took his gun back and screamed,

“Mentis season!”

I pushed the hat back and grabbed the gun again.

“Discord season!”

This was going to get ugly.

“Mentis season!”

“Discord season!”

“Mentis season!”

“Screw this shit season!”

“Wait, what?”

I promptly blew both of the barrels straight into Discord’s face. He flinched back, with another blackened face.

“You’re dethpicable.”

I smiled and bent the shotgun, carelessly throwing it over my shoulder, where it burst into a nice cloud of jittering butterflies.

“I try my best!”

He regrew his teeth, and took a step towards me. My smile widened when I realized just what he was doing. My only response was to materialize an entire bucket of rakes, shovels, and hoes to float right next to me. When Discord started to gain some momentum towards me, I turned tail and skipped off, throwing the gardening tools behind me like some type of perverted flower girl.

That also happened to be a fully-grown guy. But, you know, a man can dream, right? Right?

Anyway, the satisfying thwacks of Discord running straight into my gardening tool traps made me giggle madly. I suddenly stopped, and I felt Discord collide into my back, where I turned around and covered him in daisies.

I don’t even remember how to grow daisies.

I looked down at the daisies and saw that they were actually petunias. How could I get daisies and petunias mixed up, and more importantly, where the heck did Discord go off to? I suddenly ducked and felt a pie go flying over my head, and I turned to see where they came from.

I wasn’t surprised to see Discord standing behind a floating mini-bar, pies in claw and paw. I action-dived to the right and landed behind a bush, which I promptly turned into a snow fort, and retaliated to those pies with snowballs of my own. I threw one, screeching,

“LAST ONE OUT, LOCK THE DOOR!”

Discord retaliated with his own pie and war-cry,

“FIFTEEN TIMES FOURTEEN EQUATES INTO ME NOT GIVING A SHIT!”

The two projectiles collided, along with our respective fields of magic. The only way I could describe the next thing that happened could be a true manifestation of happy and deliberate chaos. Delicious, delicious, chaos.

By that, I mean that a black hole erupted from where our own respective magical auras collided and mingled together. Seeing that you already know who we are just by how much we’ve done already, the results are more than spectacular. Hordes of bears riding on unicycles, juggling monkeys, who were respectively juggling chainsaws, flying apples that also had little top hats on, fireworks that shot out fireworks that shot out fireworks, and so on.

I proceeded to land on one of the singing apples and grabbed one of the fireworks, aiming it at Discord like a lance. He did as well, and our apple-steeds proceeded to charge at each other like the knights of old. I promptly dropped my lance and picked up an entire tray of dessert items.

“May I show you the dessert table?”

Discord’s face turned into something resembling something not covered with dessert products as I tackled him to the ground, and proceeded to smother his face with the contents of the tray. I pulled the tray off of him, and got an entire slice of apple pie from ontop of his snout. After that, I turned it into an apple and took a bite out of it, where Discord was glaring at me. I raised my eyebrow as he slapped me full across the face with a white glove.

“Alrighty then, Discord. If you challenge me, then I’ll supply the arena!”

I bit into the apple yet again, and suddenly a soccer field erupted all around us. I then made it an entire stadium, complete with a PA system and a crow’s nest. Discord then slowly starts to shrink, under my own leisure. With a snap of my fingers, thousands of me’s showed up on the stands, wildly screeching my name as I did a bit of a warm up. I heard my voice cut out over the PA system, announcing to myself what was going on.

“Welcome, gents, to the first annual goal-breaking kickoff! Here we have our favorite man, Mentis! And for his goalie opponent, Mentis! Now, we must have complete sportsmanship here, because we all know that each and every one of us is a winner, no matter which one gets the banana split, and which one gets the chocolate toffee! Now, begin!”

Looking right in front of me, Discord had shrunk into the size of a housecat standing on all fours, about the size of a small child on his feet. He looked at me and his eyes dilated as I kicked him right in the gut to wind him, juggling him in between my feet to disorient him. I looked to the side to see Referee Mentis, sitting on a grand high back chair with a deer hunting cap and a bubble pipe, along with a crackling fireplace. He distractedly waved a hand at both me and my opponent in front of the right goal, Goalie Mentis. I grinned at myself as I rushed forward with my Dragoniquball, feinting to the left and smacking Discord into the net, which Goalie Mentis only missed by half an inch, all the while announcer Mentis went blazing away at doing his job.

“And now Mentis has kicked Discord into the goal, just narrowly missing Mentis’s fingers! You know what that means, folks! GOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-”

Discord kept on spinning against the net, the soccer goal stretching and dragging along the ground to accompany his never ending black magic trajectory. You know, that reminds me, I haven’t had any blackberry jam in a few days. I need to put that on a bagel.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

The entire crowd of me’s joined into the chant, and I started to run around the field and shake my fists into the air, stopping only to take Referee Mentis’s bubble pipe. I then made the bubbles turn into lighter-than-air mandarin oranges. As I stood there, filling the candy-coated sky with even more sweet treats, the goal net made a ripping noise as Discord’s constant spinning made it wear away.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!”

At the end of the exclamation, Discord went shooting off into the sky. I put a hand over my eyes as I watched him speed off into the sky, making a slight whoosh sound and the faint cries of a draconequus that has seasickness. I did a victory lap as Discord continued to hurtle off like a gobstopper. Perhaps even a jawbreaker. Mmmm, jawbreakers. Haven’t had a few of those ever since I’ve been with Ed, Edd, and Eddy all those years ago...

Suddenly, my thoughts were interrupted by my feet being pulled out from under my magically, flying after Discord, feet first. As my arms went behind me because of the air drag, all I could really think about is how super lightweight airplanes fly. I mean, it’s like they’re made out of cardboard, really. Just slap a propeller and it flies around like it’s freakin’ superman high on acid. I looked down, and saw the rooftop of a very familiar house. A particular house that reminded me of wibbly wobbly stuff. We were getting close to colliding with the roof, I started yelling out, really, really loud,

“HELLOOOOOOOOOO-” We crashed through the roof with the accompanying feminine screech, and then a quick follow up of ‘Blimey’, before I continued, “DOOOOOOOOOOOCTOR!”

The dust settled to show the good Doctor sitting at his kitchen table, trying to drink a cup of tea. I grinned at him, trying to get up. When I continued to stand up, the house didn’t seem to get larger, actually, it looked like it was getting smaller. Kinda like the drink me bottles that Alice dreamed up. As I eventually was shorter than even the kitchen table, Discord punted me over it. That lead right into a banana cream pie that was right next to the refrigerator. Jumping out of the pie, I load the iron that was sitting conveniently right next to it into the pie, and magically fling it Discord-ward. Then, I scamper up the wires connecting the back of the refrigerator to the magical ice box and hide in it. When I got situated in the freezer top of the fridge, I pushed open the door a crack to see what was going on. Discord had fantastically gotten custard in his eyes, and was now flailing about with balloon animals. When one of them hit the sink, it ruptured the water line, and the balloon animal exploded into cartridges of Majora’s Mask. Didn’t think he also knew about Earth, might make for some delicious little spurts of insanity.

When the water was spraying everywhere, I ripped out the coolant wires of the freezer and touched them to the water, and turned them on. The water below froze solid in a blatant disrespect of logic. The Doctor, for what it’s worth, continued to sit there and contemplate his tea. I quickly remedied that by sliding down the coolant wires and then skating into the chair. I knocked him over and slid him into the cabernet, getting argumentative grunts and yelps as I drug him through a various amount of pots and pans. When we came out of the conjoined compartments, Dr. Whooves was covered from head to hoof in pots and pans, making him a pony-style ironclad. I slid him Discord’s way, and he took out a gigantic magnet. He then switched it to repel and sent it hurtling back.

“A magnet battle we have, I see...”

I took out my own oversized magnet and caught the Doc in my negative field. Flipping back and forth between each other, we had a massive pinball game with magnets and a very unhappy pony.

“What the bugger are you two ooooooooooooooooooooooon!”

Our very unhappy pinball was screaming in either fear or sickness. I couldn’t really determine which, and I was guessing that he was going to give me one hell of a payback session. At this point of time, it was a massive battle of wits between me and Discord, a fight of wills and chaos, a fight of sugarcubes and bunny rabbits, a fight of cheese that’s on fire and those scented wet towelettes that you get at those too fancy to be true BBQ joints! It’s the battle between those little flowers that you can make talk with just your forefinger and thumb, it’s -Oop.

The previously mentioned shuttlecock just went flying out of control due to our shenanigans, bouncing off of a poof’d up large stack of cotton candy containers. The cotton candy was all on the roof, you thought that he bounced off of those? Right. What’re you, crazy?

Anyway, when he went screeching out of a previously, and conveniently opened window, Discord picked up a nearby broom with a malicious look on his face. I quickly scampered off under the kitchen table, and brought up the rug from under it. Hiding under the rug, I looked out to see where Discord was waiting. To the left, nothin. The right, nada. Right as I looked up, there was that mismatched mug, waiting to notice me with the broom head held high. I rummaged into my waistcoat to pull out a pocket watch. I opened the faceplate, and the only feature it had was a giant red button. When I pressed it, it played a familiar tune, one that I have become good friends with over the years.

He smacked me with the broom to jettison me from under my carpet of solitude, and we began our slippery, ice-coated chase. I went flying into walls as I skittered out of the reach of Discord’s accursed cleaning tool of doom, trademark Doctor Whooves. We went ramming into walls, furniture, lighting, and even more ponies a few times. I remember smacking into Ditzy, then two other pegasi. Really, the doctor’s got a thing for wings. I leaped off of a chair and went flying into some higher cupboards, breaking into the flimsy wood and leading Discord on a merry chase through the dry-packaged goods.

Sneaking my hand into a box of Celestia Brand Banana-o’s when Discord got caught on another divider between cupboards, I pulled out another pie and threw it into Discord’s face. I then changed the pie into an entire fryer’s load of french fries, which also had chili and that liquid substance that they want you to believe is cheese but really isn’t. It’s plastic. YOU’RE EATING PLASTIC ON YOUR FRIES.

“Guess what Discord? You got plastic on your nose.”

I then proceeded to fondle his face by squishing his cheeks together and booping his nose with a globule of the cheese-plastic sauce that was stuck to his face, mainly his horns. I then turned towards the inside of the cabinet and burst through the wall into the outside, deliciously chaotic world like a miniature Kool-aid man. Returning to full size, I reached into the tiny hole and ripped out Discord, taking out a large chunk of wall with him. Dusting him off, I poof up two fat suits, and get inside of one as Discord gets in the other. Drawing a massive circle, I walk back to the center and lift up a leg in classic sumo style.

“Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuumo...”

Discord slams down his already upraised foot, and shouts,

“HOI!”

I then knock him on his dragon mutant ass and go sprinting off into Ponyville. Discord is fast on the chase behind me, and we waddle through the completely chaotic town. Running through Sugarcube Corner, I grabbed as many danishes, pies, eclairs, and various other not cake related foods. I shoved them into my face as I ran straight through the walls of the baker’s establishment. When I got outside, Discord found himself stuck in one of the walls because of the suit. I tagged along with one of the dancing buffalo, and pirouetted my way out of the scene.

“Can somebody?”

Discord was hot on my tail as I burst out of the line, running full tilt towards the Town Hall.

“Somebody?”

We were getting close, and I magically made my legs go even faster as the town whizzed by us.

“Somebody find me an attorney at laaaaw?”

Me and Discord went hurtling through the Town Hall, startling Mayor Mare from her rolling of a twenty sided die at her desk. We kept on going as we suddenly were greeted by six extremely familiar girls. I also noted that they looked happy and colored again. Discord stopped right behind me, and I swore that I heard him mutter,

“Uh-oh.”

Twilight stepped forward with a triumphant grin on her face, exclaiming at the same time,

“Now, girls!”

What happened next is what I can only describe as a Reading Rainbow of justice. It also tasted of friendship. As the thing that was a tangible rainbow blasted past my face, and into Discord’s chest, I heard him cry out in confusion and shock. Looking behind me, he was slowly turning to stone. Well, that isn’t really fun.

Turning back to the ponies, I pulled out a bowl from hammerspace and began to catch as much of the substance I could into it, adding ice and cream so that I could create friendship ice cream. Taking out a whisk and placing a cook’s hat on my head, I beat the concoction together like I would beat the living hell out of Gaston if he weren’t so damn funny to watch. I then began to sing along with the themesong of ‘Reading Rainbow’, which I was now blaring out of my head.

“Butterfly in the sky!”

Taking out the spoon from the bowl, I checked the consistency, before adding in another liberal dollop of rainbow-magic.

“I can fly twice as high! Take a look! It’s in a book!”

Taking my hands, I grabbed a glob of rainbow, and made a small rainbow with my hands over my head.

“Reading Rainbow! I can go anywhere!”

I took a bit of the rainbow and put it in my mouth. Surprizingly, friendship tastes somewhat like the souls of the innocent mixed with ambrosia, and a sprinkling of butterbeer.

“Friends to know,” I jive-handed in the direction of the origin of the blast, poofing a hat into my hand and shaking it from side to side. “And ways to grow! A reading rainbow!”

“I can be anything!” I turned into a tyranid, then to a necron, into a chaos marine, and then finally into a dwarf, shifting back to my human form. “Take a look, it’s in a book!”

I threw a book at the six, it being absorbed into the delectable stream of friendship-consciousness that was this world, and I heard the words of the book in my ears. “A reading rainbooooow!”

I then busied myself by repeating and canon-singing the same two words, Reading Rainbow.

When the taste of friendship left my mouth, and the sound of fifteen angels frolicking together left my senses, I looked up from my delightfully fluffy rainbow ice cream. Sticking a spoon I found in my hair into the bowl, and picking up a good portion, I shoved it into my mouth, all while looking up.

“What?”

Twilight was standing there, her face stuck in disbelief, as her eye twitched sporadically. The rest of the six were peering at me, before Rainbow flew up into my face.

“What do you think you’re doing, not even caring that you were getting hit with the Elements of Harmony? I mean, you should be stone! What’s going on, mister?”

I shoved another spoon into Rainbow’s mouth with the ice cream, before shifting back into my pony form right in front of the six, catching the bowl with a hoof.

“I dunno Dash, you tell me!”

Everyone just stared at me, as I ate more of the ice cream

“What?”

I looked behind me to see that Discord had been turned into a rather horrifying lawn ornament. While I would have loved to put that on my lawn, I don’t think that it would be very fun, you know, just walking out on my lawn. Gloating to an inanimate object about my lawn, and how I sprinkled pesticides to kill anything that wasn’t grass.

You know, that really reduces the effect of evil gloating, doesn’t it?

Everyone was gathered back that that gooney goo-goo castle, all celebrating about turning Discord into a little gnome. You know, I tried to put a hat on him, along with just those adorable little red rosy cheeks that they all seem to have, give him a watering can... Make the castle a little more lively, right? Unfortunately, Celestia and Twilight both shot me down faster than you could say ‘Team Rocket is blasting off again’ and have your ass break mach three.

Anyway, everyone was assembled in the main throne room, where Celestia was sitting on her glorified, lazy princess-pu plot, smiling benevolently, all celebrating the elements. The ice cream was good, so I felt obligated to go, because, well, when you get good ice cream, you thank the person who served it up to you. No exceptions.

“We are gathered here today to once again honor the heroism of these six friends who stood up to the villain Discord and saved Equestria from eternal chaos.”

I tried to suppress my overwhelming boredom of seeing a bunch of mares getting congratulated on a trick I could have done just by looking into a crystal ball and muttering ‘ooga booga shamalamadingdong fammardinger’ while taking some poor sod’s money. Promptly getting up from my back seat, I exited out of the doors quietly, planning on crashing the party like it was the Hindenburg, and I was the fire behind it.

Meandering through the deserted halls crisscrossing the castle, I came across a pony, much like Celestia, but black and navy blue.

“Halt, who hath been disturbing the peace?”

Well, that’s definitely a good start. But, perhaps she might be open to some... mostly innocent pranking?

“Hey, hey, it’s just me! Name’s Mentis!”

I popped out of cover with a grin on my face. While I was walking up to the taller pony, she gave me a slightly discerning look.

“Thou sayes’t thine name be Mentis? Our sister Celestia hath told us of thou.”

Celestia, her sister? Definitely good family resemblance. Then again, if she was informed of me by Celestia, bad things might have been said.

“May I ask of your name, then?”

The princess looked at me with a quizzical eye.

“Thou needest to ask of us our name? Thou happens to be one strange creature, Mentis. Our name is Luna, Princess of the Night.”

I went into a deep bow, while giving her one bright smile.

“Thank you for the compliment, I take it to heart. Now, I have a proposition, good Princess...”

Luna leaned in close to hear my certain plan. She then laughed, and nodded. That’s all I needed to get so I can do it.

Celestia was continuing with her speech about the Elements, and I was hiding near the roof, waiting for the perfect time to strike. All the lines need to be in sync, everything needs to be the right thing, with the right timing, and of the right context.

“Now, my little ponies, I am very excited to tell you all that I am promoting these six, very close friends to special representatives of the Equestrian nation...”

There it is. Poofing down with a theatrical cloud of red smoke, I screamed out,

“Well Celly, I’mma really happy for ya, and I’mma let you finish, but... Luna is the best leader of the Equestrian nation of all time! Of all time!”

I plopped sunglasses on my snout as I poofed a microphone into my hooved grasp.

“She’s been able to let the ponies sleep, and she should be the one up here, saying this speech!”

Looking at Celestia, I sashayed my hips from side to side, laughing maniacally as everyone stared at me with a mixture of either disgust or amusement. It was mostly disgust, but do I really give a flying rat’s ass about what other people think about me? Right.

I made all the lights shut off, even blocking the sun from getting in the windows, as I made a spotlight center on me. Rearing up on my front hooves, I put on a top hat, and a red velvet suit top found its way around my barrel.

“Ladies and gentlecolts, it is my supreme pleasure to introduce, the one, the only, me! Yes, I do believe that the one, the only, the Mentis Palazzo!”

Tipping the hat at a rakish angle, I gestured out with a hoof.

“Now, who wants to see some... Pyrotechnics?”

At that word, an entire wall of flame burst up from the stage I was standing on. The roof suddenly began to be hosting an entire horde of colorful explosions, and screamers. As the congregation of ponies were entranced and amazed by the impromptu color arrangement, I turned on my hoof to look at Celestia. Her face was priceless, slack-jawed and looking at everything with confusion. Laughing maniacally, I spread out my hooves akimbo and melted through the floor.

I came out of the ground right in front of Discord’s petrified ugly mug, sneering right into his cold, lifeless face that was stuck in an eternal howl of pain. Floating off of my hooves, I switched back to my human form, hovering by Discord’s face and getting extremely close. I started to whisper to him, knowing that he could hear me from his vantage point.

“I know you can hear me, Discord. Now, I have a proposition for you. I was originally sent to kill you, and remove all memory from this world of you. However, it has been far too long since I’ve had fun like we’ve had in the past few hours. Wouldn’t you agree?”

Of course he would freaking agree, he’d been trapped in stone for Gods know how long, just playing imaginary tiddlywinks. While I prefer a nice rousing game of mental tiddlywinks, I know that it can get extremely boring after a few years of just that. There’s also the fact that he didn’t really have anyone to play the tiddlywinks with in the first place, but that’s besides the point. The entire thing that made him bored was that he didn’t download the apps he should have before he was petrified. I heard that stone has terrible reception.

“So, I have two choices for you, and you get to decide which you get! The first choice is that I take your stone body, flash-freeze it, send it hurtling into the sun, and then atomize you for the next fifteen centuries. The other choice is for me to give you enough power to free yourself, and you then do so. After that, well... we both know what’ll happen then, don’t we?”

I floated there, trialing my finger across Discord’s neck slowly, to hammer in my point. Touching down on the ground, I looked up at Discord’s face, and issued my ultimatum.

“Right, this is how we’re going to do this, Discord. I will give you enough power to cause a crack in your stone prison, and nothing more. What you are going to do is either use the power, or stay dormant. If you choose to crack the stone, you choose escape and fun. If you don’t, you choose death. What say you, creature of chaos?”

I stood there for a good few minutes, smiling up at Discord’s face, waiting for a response. I was patient, and even though the two offers were pretty much the same, I would guess that Discord would want to weigh out both outcomes before making the choice. However, I’m not the most patient man in the world...

“Fine. Then you’ve made your decision.”

I turned on my heel and walked away, frowning a bit as I did so. I really didn’t want to have to send him into the sun. No, not because I had to kill him, that was a ridiculously easy feat to be done. It was mainly that I didn’t feel like just killing him then and there and not have any type of lasting fun with it. Sure, I’d get a kick by sending him to something that burnt shit up like it was a delicious meringue pie, but that wouldn’t last very long. I just glowered a bit as I slowly walked away from Discord, just waiting to see if his fear of death would galvanize him into action.

Crack.