The Metal and the Budget

by Lise

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 1621

With all Princesses, Fancy Pants and Prince Blueblood at the Equestria Games, somepony needs to pass the budget... Problem is, as Balanced Budget soon finds out, he might not be the most suitable for the job...

With everypony of authority off to the Crystal Empire for the Equestria Games, it is up to Balanced Budget to get the budget passed. The only problem is that he has to deal with Fancy Pants' brother - Metal Pants.

What must one do, when the metal simply refuses to pass the budget?

Inspired by a comment in A Little Loopy by warewolves

Published 2015-08-23 00:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-23 00:20:01 UTC

The Metal and the Budget

"No," the metal refused the budget and turned the next page of his magazine.

"No?" Balanced Budget asked in shock. This was the third time he had submitted the budget for approval in the last two days, only to have it rejected. "But why not?"

"Doesn't feel right. Go through it again."

It took tremendous effort for the Balanced not to scream. Never before had he experienced anything of the sort. He prided himself with always having the budget on time, and perfectly drafted to address any current and future need - future limited to no more than thirteen moons from the date of approval, of course.

"But what is wrong with it?" he asked desperately. "I've tripled the funds for 'Unusual Inventions', increased the expenditures for concerts in public venues by fifty percent, included detailed plans for the construction of a 'Heavy Metal Stadium' in Canterlot itself, set aside funds for any manner of emergencies that would occur from the presence of said stadium... what more do you want?"

The Metal put his magazine aside and stood up from behind the desk. His massive body dwarfed Balanced, making him look like a foal in comparison.

"Listen, pencil neck, no means no!" His deep voice echoed in the room, causing the other pony to tremble. "Now go, and get it right."

"But, sir, the budged must be passed today!" Balanced protested.

Just his luck. Usually he dealt directly with Princess Celestia, or if she was occupied with an urgent matter of state, with her assistant. With the Equestria Games, however, everything had gone amuck. The event being held in the Crystal Empire, the Princess and all her entourage had gone to mark the occasion. Her assistant, after weeks of intense planning, had requested a week's leave, which Princess Luna had approved, shortly before herself leaving for the Crystal Empire. Fancy Pants, who had assured Balanced, that he would rubber stamp the budget before going, had forgotten about the matter entirely. Usually that left Prince Blueblood with the authority over all Canterlot related matters. Normally that was a disaster in itself, made worse when Balanced had discovered the prince had left for the games as well. That left Metal Pants - Fancy's brother, that everypony pretended didn't exist. Meeting him face to face, Balanced could see why.

"Oh," the metal replied scratching his week-old beard.

"Look, sir, you really don't have to bother with this," Balanced lift the paper up to his face. "The budget is revised every moon. Even if there is something we overlooked, and I'm not saying there is, it will be sorted out at that point. All you need to do is give your stamp of approval, so I can move this along and..."

"What about personal expenses?" Metal Pants asked.

"Excuse me, sir?" Balanced arched a brow.

"Personal expenses," the larger pony repeated. "Overtime, training seminars, travel..."

"You want to increase those? Sure, no problem!" Balanced levitated several pages out of the stack and quickly started jotting down new numbers with his pen.

"What are they for?"

"Excuse me?"

"What. Are. The. Expenses. For," Metal Pants shaped each word the same way a hammer shapes a piece of iron.

"Well..." Sweat trickled down Balanced's face. "For overtime, travel, lodgings..."

"Do you work overtime?"

Balanced didn't understand the question, or rather he couldn't tell what answer he was supposed to give. Was overtime a good thing? He certainly had spent nights working when he shouldn't have, but was never asked to. Did that count?

"Not particularly?" he ventured an answer. Metal Pants arched a brow.

"Do you know anypony who does?" the large unicorn asked.

"Their highnesses?"

The answer was technically correct. Both Canterlot princesses worked nonstop. Their mere existence was the definition of work. Although, to be picky, Princess Luna had taken a thousand-year break. Or could that be viewed as sick leave?

"No overtime then?" Balanced asked.

Metal Pants nodded, then went to the corner of the room, where a scary looking guitar leaned against the wall. It was, unsurprisingly, mostly black, with blue overtones. A number of signatures were visibly all over it, including one, Balanced could hardly believe, of Princess Luna.

"What about travel?" Metal asked, then levitated the guitar closer and played a few chords. "What are travel expenses for?"

"Costs associated with getting from one place to another?" even as he said that Balanced felt uneasy. Ponies walked everywhere in Canterlot. Allowing for travel expenses was pretty much the same as granting them breathing expenses. "Err, maybe getting from one place to another outside Canterlot?" he suggested.

That seemed satisfactory. Celestia knows there would be some unhappy ponies. Balanced could already hear their screams. Next month's budget correction meeting was certainly going to be tense.

"Done and done," he said applying the corrections. His mouth already began to form the paramount question, when he stopped half way. There was no way the massive unicorn would let things go that easily. "I guess I should discuss training seminars as well, sir?" Balanced half asked with a sigh. Next time he was going to go on leave. Let Metal balance the budget, for all he cared!

"Training seminars, training seminars..." he started going though the paperwork. There they were, and quite a massive amount too. In the past, that had never bothered Balanced. As long as everything was fine he didn't concern himself with the details. So what if a few unicorns had it easier? Canterlot kept running as it should and all of Fancy Pants' friends were happy.

"Here we go, sir," Balanced cleared his throat. "We have a number of self improvement seminars..."

"Iron Will?" Metal Pamts didn't even bother to look up, just continued playing his guitar.

"Why, yes," Balanced blinked, surprised. "How did you know?"

"We go to the same concerts," the metal replied, then did a guitar solo. Some might call it nice, but for Balanced it was no more than a horrible screeching noise he had been forced to endure on a regular basis the last couple of days. "Any repeat customers?"

"Well, there are a few who needed to go to more than one seminar," the smaller unicorn levitated a few pages in front of his face. Truth be told, he too had gone several times, sadly without result. He had also been thinking of going to private seminars, but didn't have the nerve to do so. "Limit them to three per year?" he asked quietly.

A loud cough made him reconsider.

"Two?" he asked with hope. Another cough. "None?"

"One," Metal Pants said firmly. "If ponies can't learn to be assertive from the first time, they will never learn."

"As you say, sir," Balanced attempted to add a disapproving note in his voice, but it was lost, drowned by the horrible noise Metal was making.

A few corrections here and there, a few numbers changed and the new budget was mostly ready. Hardly in a presentable form, but Balanced really didn't care anymore. He just wanted to get it over with.

"All done," he said assembling the pieces of paper once more. "Finally, what do you want to do with the surplus?"

"It's fine," Metal said with an annoyed sigh. "I'll sign it."

"But, but..." Balanced started. As much as he was pleased that Metal would finally pass the budget, he shivered at the notion that there would be a surplus. This had never happened in the history of Canterlot! The budget had always been perfectly balanced. That's what his father had done, and his father's father, back to Golden Budget himself. It was expected. It was tradition.

"You can't have a surplus, sir!" Balanced felt unwell. "It has never been done before!"

"Why?" The ever annoying question was asked.

"Because it's a surplus, sir. What purpose does it have just accumulating somewhere? Their highnesses do not have a need for it, and..." He paused. Truth be told, he had no idea. That was never asked of him. He was just a simple pony, not one to deal with complex political matters! His role was only to balance the budget, nothing more. Why couldn't that brute understand that?!?

"Tell you what," Metal Pants walked up to him. His massive hoof patted Balanced on the shoulder, nearly bringing the smaller unicorn to the ground. "Use all the surplus to start a fund for Dream Metal research."

"Thank you, sir!" Balanced forced a smile. "That should be easy. Apart from yourself, who do you wish to manage this 'Dream Metal Research' fund?"

"Not me," the metal smiled. "Princess Luna. Only Princess Luna."

"Her highness?" Balanced Budged gasped. His mind started processing the information. Dream Metal, Princess Luna... No, surely Metal Pants couldn't possibly mean... Or could he? Swallowing he started making the necessary adjustments to the budget. The unicorn was terrified at the what this new budget might cause to Equestria. At the same time, he was also curious. The image of the Princess of the Night playing guitar, in heavy mascara, was too much not to experience at least once. Besides, after one month, when the budget was revised, this fund would probably be the first to go.

"Do you think the Princess will agree to such a," Balanced paused searching for the correct word. "...undertaking?"

"Trust me," the other nodded.

"As you say, sir," the last corrections made, the stack of paper was levitated to Metal's desk. "Now if you'd just do the honours."

"Of course," Metal grinned. "Oh, and if anypony gives you any hay about this, tell them that the metal passed the budget, and if they have a problem with it they can come see me personally!"