Episode One; Don't Moon Me Part One
“Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, a great almighty goddess ruled over her children and via a group of lawyers and secret police, maintained harmony for all the land. But high in the clouds of heaven where she lived, she struggled to keep her rule strong as she rarely visited the mortals below. So she chose the eldest of the angels, her sister, to be a seer and connect the two worlds, and spread the heaven-chosen conspiracies to keep subjects in line.
But as time went on, the fallen angel became rebellious. She believed the lies of the goddess were harming the mortal ponies below, damaging their already short and fragile lives. So she tried to hire some assassins, but they were all pretty dumb. So instead, she created a new kind of magic in the hopes of saving the mortals, transforming herself into a demonic creature; Nightmare Moon. She swore to liberate the mortals from the tyranny of the goddess.
Without a single second thought, the super cool goddess with her goddess-y magic and awesome flowing mane used the Elements of Harmony to banish Nightmare Moon to the, uh, moon. The goddess restored her rule and fiercely ended the rebellion, and harmony has been maintained in Equestria ever since.” Twilight paused, wiping the crumbs from her mouth as she lifted her head eagerly. “Spike! Spi-ike! Spike, come over here, I just found something amazing!”
The purple baby dragon lifted his head, grumbling. “If it was worth waking up at three in the morning for, it will be amazing,” he mumbled as he walked over, scratching at the shackles around his wrist. He paused, glancing at what was left of Twilight’s cake with a groan. “That was supposed to be an offering at the cult meeting.”
“You can go and play with your weird friends later Spike, this is important!” Twilight said eagerly, bouncing up and down on her hooves. “Well I think-I mean, I can’t be sure yet so, hey, listen, grab me that old copy of Predictions and Prophecies, m’kay?”
“Fine, whatever, I’ll get it,” he grumbled, digging around in the shelves. Twilight paused to clear her throat. Rolling his eyes, Spike corrected himself. “I’ll get it, you’re chubbiness.”
The young angel smiled brightly. “Close enough!” Using her magic to grab the book, she levitated it out of his claws, floating it over to herself. “Here we go! Elements, elements, E, E, E, eachy, elbow witch, eggs... Aha! Elements of Harmony! ‘See: Mare in the Moon?’”
“You mean that stupid old legend?” grumbled Spike, ripping pages out of a history book.
“It’s not a legend,” corrected an exasperated Twilight. “It’s mythology, duh. Seriously, how could you mix the two up? Mare, mare, here we go! ‘The Mare in the Moon, myth from olden pony times. A powerful pony-turned-demon who wanted to rule Equestria, defeated by the Elements of Harmony, and imprisoned in the moon. Legend has it that on the longest day of the thousandth year, the four horsemen of the apocalypse will set her free and she will bring about the end of the world!’” Twilight reeled back, gasping with wide eyes. “Spike! Do you know what this means!?”
Spike glanced up from his book murder in annoyance, pausing before he answer. “Uh, no more work?”
“Of course I shouldn’t have expected an uneducated demon slave such as yourself to understand. Take a note to the goddess, will you?”
“Sure, sure, whatever,” he said, picking up a piece of paper and a quill. “Alright heavy-weight, shoot.”
“My almighty liege to whom I pledge my forever beating heart and my eternal soul and has really really cool super powers; while I was studying the history of kind, I have been led to discover that we are on precipice of disaster!”
“Just a sec,” Spike interrupted, chewing on the end of the quill in concentration. “Preci... preci...”
“Threshold.”
“Threh...”
“Um, brink? Gah, that something really bad is about to happen!”
“I know what it means, geez. It’s not my fault writing in pony language literally looks like a toddler’s scribbling,” growled Spike, huffing.
“Just keep writing,” Twilight cut in. “The apocalypse is nigh, and will be here in a matter of days... and I’m not on earth to announce it! She totally promised me that I could be the angel who gets to go and tell all the mortals about the end of the world! So answer me soon, okay princess? Your favorite angel, the great and lovable Twilight Sparkle!”
“Cry-blight Fart-kill. Got it,” Spike, said, rolling the scroll up as he tucked the quill behind his ear.
Twilight gave him an expectant smile, bouncing on her hooves impatiently. “Well? What are you waiting for? Send it!”
“Uh, I dunno ‘bout that. Goddess Celestia’s probably really busy preparing for the Summer Sun Celebration so she can keep ponies believing she actually controls the sun,” Spike said, snorting slightly. “Stupid mortals don’t know anything about science. It’s like, the day after tomorrow, so there’s no way she’ll have time for your stupid letter.”
“But she promised me!” Twilight insisted, stamping her hoof and pouting. “She promised I’d get to tell everyone about the impending end of the world, and the day after tomorrow is the thousandth year of the Summer Sun Celebration and so that’s when the world’s gonna end!”
Spike rolled his eyes again, tossing the scroll lightly before scorching it to a wisp of vapory magic with his breath. “There, it’s on it’s way. But I wouldn’t hold your breath, chubs.”
She smiled as she trotted across the room, shaking her head condescendingly. “Oh, I’m hardly worried Spike. The goddess absolutely adores me. Everyone does!” she said cheerfully, bouncing slightly. “I am, after all, the great and lovable Twilight! And to prove my point-Twilight hug!” she said, suddenly snatching the small dragon demon up in a tight hug.
As she squeezed his stomach, Spike let out a loud belch of flame. It curled in the air before fading, leaving a scroll to fall from it.
“See!” Twilight said energetically, dropping Spike unceremoniously. “I knew she’d read a letter from me right away! She obviously adores me!”
Spike rolled his eyes as he opened the letter, clearing his throat as he began to read it aloud. “My dearest, chubbiest angel Twilight. You know that I absolutely adore you. Everyone does.”
“Told you so!” Twilight said brightly, clapping her hooves excitedly, absolutely beaming.
“And so, I’ve decided to grant your request. Not to try and get rid of you or anything. It’s not like I and every single other angel in the city are hoping you tragically don’t make it back from the apocalypse on time, dying a slow painful death, never to return and steal our cake. Of course not! You’re extremely not annoying and we’re all very sad to see you go. Oh, and take your time down there! See some sights, meet the locals. Don’t worry about the end of the world, I’m sure you’ll make it back on time, but we won’t count on it, just in case! Hooves crossed! I’ve already got a few angels who earned their wings to fly you down. Don’t forget to take your time! We’ll be fine without you! I promise!”
Twilight sighed with a melancholy smile, tsking as she shook her head. “Ah, poor almighty Celestia! She and the others are going to be absolutely miserable without my shining joy and beauty in their lives.” She cheered up almost instantly as she started packing her bags via magic. “Well, I’m sure I’ll be back soon enough! This is gonna be so fun, Spike, come on!”
“Greetings you miserable mortal slobs!” called Twilight energetically as she jumped out the back of the chariot, waving goodbye to the winged angels as they flew off with it. “I am an angel sent from heaven by the goddess herself with wonderful news!”
A small crowd of ponies, a very small crowd, unfortunately, was starting to gather slowly, mumbling faint curiosity and disbelief. Naturally. A heavenly visit, especially from herself, was a special occasion.
“I am here to announce... tomorrow will be the day of judgement!” she called brightly, smiling. “You’re all going to die! Also, Celestia said that right now, no one is on her list of souls to save! So if you wanna be an angel, step up your game! Now if you excuse me, I have apocalypse preparations!” Not waiting for their reactions, she levitated Spike onto her back and began to trot off to her first destination.
“Why do we have to stay in the library? I mean, I do love books and all, but isn’t there a bakery in town?” Twilight asked, licking her lips. “I could really go for some fudge, or a slice of lemon cake, or a light fluffy meringue! Mmmmm.”
Huffing, Spike kicked back, crossing his legs. “We can’t because there’s apparently a bunch of dark magic in the place. Ponies tried to burn it down to get rid of the magic but-”
“But me!” There was a burst of white light and a pink mortal pony appeared, beaming brightly as she bounced up and down. Despite her smile, her eyes were blank. Literally. Just pure white, no pupils or irises. “You’re an angel, huh? Careful, or I might kill you in your sleep!” With a giggle, the pink pony vanished as quickly as she appeared.
Twilight paused for a moment, then sighed, letting out a slight groan. “What a weirdo. Come, slave Spike!” she said, deciding to refocus on her task. “Number one on the apocalypse checklist; Death incarnate, entrance to the underworld.” She glanced around, frowning slightly. There didn’t appear to be an underworld entrances right here, not that she’d ever seen one. Just a bunch of apple trees, and a decrepit old barn that looked like it hadn’t been touched in years.
“YEEEEEEEEHAW!”
Twilight jumped as an orange pony leapt out one of the barn windows, beaming energetically as she trotted over. “Well how-didy-doo Miss Twilight Sparkle, pleasure to see you! Never thought I’d see you ‘round there parts!”
Blinking, Twilight paused, staring. “Um, excuse me, but, who are you, exactly? And how did you know my name?”
“How’d I know your name? How’d I know your name? Toffee muffin, I know every pony’s name! I’m Death, though folks in this here town think m’name’s Applejack, so y’all can call me that. Yer an angel know, ain’t you? Weeeeeell, how ‘bout that! ‘Riginally you was gonna die of a train accident, but guess not anymore then, huh? Good for you, girly! Even got yourself a demon slave, ain’t that dandy! So, what can I do ya for honey sauce?” she said brightly, tipping the stetson she wore and offering a grin.
Well, at least they were in the right area. “Well, the goddess sent me here as the harbinger of the end of the world! Obviously, of course, because I am adored by everyone up in the heavens,” Twilight explained, smiling. “So I’m here to check if you’re prepared for the millions of souls coming your way soon.”
“Am I prepared? Sure as sugar I am, sweet cookie! Why, I got the whole of the undead here to do me helps! Come on everypony!” she yelled over her shoulder, looking at the barn. “Come’n meet Twi!”
There was a loud sound of a cheering, then the sound of a hundred hooves, pounding across the ground. Ponies came flooding out of the barn, countless numbers, but certainly more than should’ve fit. Some leapt through the windows or came racing out the doors, but others ran right through the walls themselves. The souls gathered around eagerly, most of their focus on Death. Or... Applejack. Apparently.
“Why don’t I introduce y’all? Here we got Milky Way, Bluebelle, Parasol, Snuzzle, Seven Clovers, Eenie Meenie, Toolaroola, my parents, Starsong, Butterscotch, Rainribbon, Sunribbon, Starbow-!” she stopped to take in a deep breath, chuckling. “Right ‘ere’s my three favorite souls-Big Macintosh, Apple Bloom, and Granny Smith. Up'n'attem, Granny Smith, we got us guests!” The old green soul snorted sleepily, lifting her head. Applejack opened her mouth to continue, but realizing this could take, quite literally, an eternity, Twilight cut in,
“Uh, it’s really great to meet all your, um, dead people, but we’ve got lots of things we need to check to get the apocalypse ready!” Twilight said brightly, offering an apologetic smile. “See you around, then!”
“Next, we need to check in on the demigoddess daughter of Celestia and see if she’s ready to move back up to capital,” read off Spike, lifting his head, rolling his eyes. “Wish we were back there. It may be awful, but anything has to be better than all this walking.”
“You’re the one on my back,” Twilight said, panting slightly as she walked. “And I’m the one walking.”
“And that’s the way I like it, chubs,” Spike huffed.
“WHOA WHOA WH-UH-OA!” yelled an unfamiliar voice. A muscular blue pegasus flew over, flying right in front of Twilight without landing. “Hey, you, purple pony! Please, you’ve got to listen to me!”
“Listen about what?” Twilight asked curiously, sitting down to better listen. Spike, naturally, fell off her back.
Landing, the pegasus got close, eyes darting around. “You’ve heard about the supposed angel that came to town, right? I’ve been trying to hunt them down all day, but see, my trackers are acting up. But even though I don’t have the proof, I think there’s a conspiracy from the heavens! I think the celebration tomorrow might secretly be the end of the world!”
“Well of course it is,” Twilight said, laughing slightly. “Not to mention, how would the goddess keep order and peace without her many many conspiracies? No need to get your wings in a twist. My name’s Twilight Sparkle, the great and lovable. You’ve probably heard of me. And you are?”
“My name is Rainbow Dash. I’ve been thinking of changing it weekly, y’know, for security reasons, but the paperwork’s way too hard. But that’s not important! We have to find this angel and stop the end of the world! You can be my faithful sidekick and help me. Do you have nets any nets and or cursed wire?”
“No, but I don’t really want to stop the end of the world anyway. I’ve been having way too much fun telling everyone!” Twilight said brightly, getting back up to her feet.
“I’m fine,” grumbled Spike, climbing back on. “Thanks so much for asking.”
Ignoring him, Rainbow continued ranting. “You know the goddess’s elite angel fight squad? I nearly caught their captain once. Even if I don’t capture the messenger angel, they’re gonna perform at the Celebration tomorrow! I’m going to try and take one hostage so the goddess doesn’t end the world. Tell everyone you know, alright?” Rainbow said, zipping into the air and nearly smashing face-first into a cloud. “This conspiracy can’t stand! I hate to blow your mind then run, but I’ve got to go buy some angel’s bane!” With that, the twitchy blue pony flew off in a blur of rainbow color.
Smiling, Twilight glanced over her shoulder at Spike. “Well. She was nice. Soooo, demigoddess, right?” she chirped as she headed inside the city hall. “I think we’re supposed to meet her here.” She glanced around the small crowd of ponies preparing the hall with decorations and offerings for the Summer Sun Celebration. “Um, which one is she?”
“Her,” Spike said with wide eyes, point to a lithe unicorn with a shining white coat to match Celestia’s.
“Her?” said Twilight in surprise, glancing in the direction of the pony he meant. “I mean, I don’t see why not, but how do you know she’s the demigoddess we’re been looking for?”
“I don’t mean she’s a demigoddess I mean-” Spike dropped his face in his claws, muttering extremely inappropriate words for a child. “I mean look at her! She’s so... so... Gah, Celestia above, what’s wrong with me!?”
Twilight paused, splitting into a grin. “Somebody’s in love!” she said in a bright sing-songy voice as she trotted over to the white unicorn. “Excuse me, hello! Yes, you, hello there! I’m Twilight Sparkle, harbinger angel for the coming apocalypse! Are you one of Celestia’s daughters by any chance?”
The unicorn lifted her head, tossing her curly main absently. “Ah, I was expecting you,” she sighed dramatically, putting a hoof to her heart. “But I’m afraid I cannot allow you to return me home!”
“Uh-”
“As young and beautiful as I am, I must run the risk of my flawless gem of a life, and remain here, even as the apocalypse rises upon us!” she mourned theatrically, bowing her head. “I must stay and defend those I have come to love and care for until there is not an ounce of strength left in my perfect effeminate body, and only hope, no, pray! that mother is willing to spare the mortals so she might spare her beloved daughter Rarity as well,” she sobbed, eyes starting to tear up. Pausing, she wiped the tears from her eyes and smiled. “Oh, but in the mean time darling, is there anything I can do for you and your little demon friend?”
“Don’t suppose you have any spare macaroons lying around? Or even just a slice of chocolate cake?” Twilight asked hopefully, ears wiggling slightly.
Rarity shook her head apologetically. “Oh! My darling friend, I’ve failed to satiate your hunger! I fear now you may starve to deaaaaath! Unless you’d care for some low calorie sandwiches?” she added brightly.
Twilight sighed, shoulders sagging. “Eh, it’s fine. We need to go check up on the musical prep for the celebration. Do you know where that is?”
Rarity beamed, posing heroically. “Don’t fear, my paunchy angel friend! I know exactly where your epic quest will guide you next!”
“Twilight you don’t understand,” Spike moaned, collapsed on her back as he stared skyward. “She’s so flawless. I can’t even think of one single thing to mock her about. Even her name is beautiful. Why can’t I be her slave?”
“Stop thinking dirty thoughts Casanova, I think I found the pony in charge of music,” Twi said eagerly, bounding over to the pale yellow pegasus.
“Mmmm, oh, my, my, my, please, please stop everyone,” she said in a soft voice, her luminescent eyes wide. “Excuse me sir?” she said, addressing one of the birds. “Please, I don’t mean any offense, but your rhythm is just the tiniest bit off. Now, follow me, please. A-one, a-two, a-one two three-”
“Wow, I didn’t think there was any of your species left!” interrupted Twilight eagerly, barely noticing as the panicked birds scattered. “You are one of them, aren’t you? And you were feeding just now?”
The pegasus paused hesitantly, lifting her head. “Um, I’m sorry, miss... ? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You’re a succubus, aren’t you? I mean, the blue-green eyes, the soft complexion, the silky coat -oh! Oh! You’ve even got the subtle ear tufts! Amazing! You were feeding off the affection of those birds, right?”
She hesitated a moment, then smiled shyly. “You’re rather observant, aren’t you? They aren’t as filling as pony love, but ever since the recent laws.... well...”
Twilight clapped her hooves excitedly, beaming. “Well, it looks like your birds are coming back! I’ll leave you to you’re feeding.” she turned to Spike and grinned. “A real life succubus Spike!”
The succubus pony cut in with a sudden gasp, hurrying over. “A dragon demon? Oh, I’ve never seen one in person before!”
“He’s my personal slave, given to me by the goddess herself!” Twilight announced proudly. “He’s only a baby, right now, but one day he’ll be large enough to ravage entire cities!”
“Adorable,” cooed the pony.
“‘Sup,” Spike said, waving slightly.
“It’s so wonderful to meet you,” the yellow pegasus said eagerly. “My name’s Fluttershy.” She looked to Twilight hopefully, liking her lips. “Would you mind if I had a little snack?” she asked, glancing at Spike.
“Help yourself! But there’s not much love in the little jerk anyway,” Twilight said brightly, patting his head. “And you’ll have to walk with us while you feed. The great and lovable Twilight needs to get back to the library for some last minute apocalypse preparations!”
Waving as Fluttershy left, Twilight ducked inside the library cheerfully, humming under her breath. “Hey, sure is dark in here, huh Spike?”
The demon dragon audibly groaned, flinching slightly. “Please don’t talk so loud. Can't you walk a bit smoother? I feel like I might vomit. Ugh, succubi are totally the worst.”
“You say that about every pony Spike,” Twi pointed out brightly as she felt around for a light switch.
“You’re the worst,” he grumbled.
Twilight broke into a smile. “Oh, I find the light switch!” As she flicked it up, the library filled with a dim glow. Instead of turning on the lightbulbs, it seemed the switch had lit several candles scattered about the room. Talk about weird.
Oh, and also, there was a bunch of hooded strangers wandering around mumbling Latin and painting ancient runes on the floors and walls of the library in what looked like blood.
“Surprise!” There was burst of white light, and a hooded pink pony appeared in front of Twilight, beaming. As she blinked the light out of her eyes, Twi recognized her as the same weird mortal who’d so cheerfully threatened murder. “Hi there, I’m Pinkie Pie, and I’m using your house for a seance to raise the dead! Were you surprised? Were ya? Were ya? Huh huh huh?”
Twilight paused, smiling sheepishly. “Huh? Oh, yeah, very surprised. I thought seances were outlawed years ago.”
“Well that’s silly! What kind of fun dead raising seance if we follow the laws? I mean, duh, bo-ring! It’s almost as silly as having a quiet party in a library! You actually suggest that in the main flow of the time stream. I met that me once and she was like-” Pinkie gasped deep and exaggeratedly. “Y’see, she’d never seen herself before except the time she cloned herself and when she looked in the mirror and I considered murdering her to use her soul to make my magic stronger, but she was so nice and so me I decided not to, you know?”
Smiling, Twilight nodded. “I have no clue what any of that means. Mind if I pour myself a drink?”
“No one ever does, hehe,” giggled Pinkie, beaming. “Help yourself! Oh, hey there Death!”
Sighing, Applejack, who Twi was fairly certain hadn’t been there before, managed a half smile. “It’s Applejack, cream pie. You alright Twilight?”
Twilight blinked, grimacing as her eyes watered, face flushing a deep shade of red as she shuddered.
“Awww,” Pinkie Pie said brightly, beaming. “She’s so happy she can’t even speak! And she’s turning red! And choking!”
Dropping off Twilight’s back, Spike picked up the bottle, reading the label. “Gasoline. Explains why Death’s here then. You know you can’t poison angels, right?” he asked Pinkie with a deadpan look, glancing at her. “Trust me, I’ve tried.”
“I know, I thought she was going to pour herself some cider,” she said, picking up the bottle. “This stuff’s for me!” Grinning, she tilted her head back and started chugging cheerfully.
“C’mon, Twilight! The seance is over, time to go watch the sunrise,” Spike said, sticking his head in the room.
With a flash of light, Pinkie appeared now, no longer wearing her menacing hood. “Isn’t this exciting? Are you excited, ‘cause I’m excited, I’ve never been so excited-- well, except for the time that I sold my soul for these awesome powers an gahhhh, but I mean really, who can top that? I’ll get us there in a flash!” Beaming, she grabbed Twilight by the ear and Spike by the foot, then in a bright flash, the world ripped apart. A moment passed in the void before it stitched back together, and the three of them appeared in town hall, Twi and Spike both looking faintly seasick.
“Good thing we took my short cut,” Pinkie said energetically, dancing from hoof to hoof. “Or else we might have missed it! See, looks like their starting in just a second!”
There was a brief pause of chatter, but then the sound of fanfare cut in, trumpets blaring to announce the arrival of the goddess. Mayor Mare stood on the raised dais, head held high and proud. “Fillies and gentlecolts, as mayor of Ponyville, it is my great pleasure to announce the arrival of our benevolent and super-awesome ruler, her angriness, her coolness, her royal highness, the almighty goddess!” She waited briefly for the cheering to die down before she continued. “In a few moments, our town will witness the magic of the sunrise, which Celestia definitely controls and is totally not a conspiracy of any kind! And now, it is my great honor to introduce you to the slayer of demons, the smiter of sinners, the ruler of peasants, the destroyer of worlds, eater of cake, the ruler of our land, the very pony who totally does actually give us the sun and moon each and ever day, the good, the wise, the sexy, the awesome, the humble, the bringer of harmony to all of Equestria, etcetera, etcetera...”
There was a bit of a rustle as Fluttershy prepared her birds to sing, and as Rarity grabbed the velvet rope, ready to split the curtains and reveal her mother.
“The almighty goddess... Princess Celestia!” The rope was pulled, and the curtains flew open, revealing the good, the wise, the sexy, the awesome, the humble, etcetera etcetera... empty spot.
A few audible gasps filled the room, and ponies began to murmurer and chatter to one another quietly. Twilight, of course, knew exactly what was going on. Of course the goddess wouldn’t be here. After all, she was too important to die in the apocalypse. Wait, then why was Twilight still here? She pursed her lips and frowned as she tried to understand.
“Remain calm, everypony, there must be a reasonable explaination!”
“Ooh, ooh!” squealed Pinkie Pie, bouncing up and levitating a moment before dropping back tot he ground. “I love guessing games! Is she dead? I bet she’s dead! I know a really cool zombie spell that we can-”
She was cut off by a scream as the moon grew brighter and brighter, burning the eyes of the crowd, blinding them temporarily. As it faded, the white light shining fiercely from the moon remained, making the landscape even brighter than day as a towering black figure stood where the goddess was supposed to be.
“It’s her,” Twilight whispered, eyes going wide as dinner plates. “It’s the fallen angel... Nightmare Moon!”
“Oh, my beloved people,” the dark pony said, the star-spangled mane flowing around her as she stood. “It’s been so long since I’ve seen you poor imprisoned children.”
“Oh my Celestia!” screeched Rainbow Dash. “It’s a conspiracy! There’s a second goddess!”
“Hush your noggin’, Nelly,” Applejack said as she rolled her eyes, putting Rainbow in a headlock to try and keep her from flying at the demonic creature.
Nightmare Moon chuckled slightly, smiling. “I may have been a goddess like my sister once, but I gladly gave that title up for the sake of saving the mortals. Do you not remember me, my people?”
“Ooh, ooh, more guessing games!” squealed Pinkie, grinning. “Um, Hokey Smokes! How about... Queen Meanie! No! Black Snooty, Black Snooty! That’s it, right?”
The black alicorn laughed, shaking her head. “It is not. Has my movement truly now that I have been imprisoned a thousand years? Do you not recall the legends? Do you not remember the wars?”
“I know all about this stuff,” Twilight said with an eager grin. Finally, something she understood! “And I know who you are! You’re the Mare in the Moon-Nightmare Moon, the devil here to bring about the end of the world and kill all ponies!”
Nightmare Moon stared at Twilight, looking confused, and even maybe a touch horrified. “D-devil, no, that’s not-child, I’m not...”
Beaming, Twilight leapt onto the stage in front of Nightmare Moon, ears pricked and bouncing on her toes. “Everyone! This is the harbinger of doom! Cower in fear, for the apocalypse has come to destroy you all!”
