“Our personal existence is but a projection of our mind and how we perceive everything else.”
Outside in the city of Hoofington the morning sun crept up all too fast. The large, rural village sluggishly came to life; early morning vendors readied their shops or street side stands, and workers headed to their places of business. As the morning dredged on the bulk of the crowds in the streets turned from workers to mostly shoppers. The market district didn’t exactly contain the most classy neighborhoods, but it was by far the most densely populated area during the day. Shoppers strolled through looking for this and that as the clerk ponies attempted to entice customers into buying their merchandise.
As the sun came to dominate the room, I knew I could wrestle sleep from its grasp no longer, so I slowly rolled out of bed yawning. I stretch my back and legs before heading into the bathroom. It’d been a little over three weeks since I had actually slept in a bed, or had a proper bathroom, so the whole experience was very relaxing and enjoyable. After a long soak in the tub which, regrettably, I was forced to cut short due to a certain problem waiting for me outside that I needed to deal with, I glanced into the mirror at myself. My usually long and unkempt jet black mane now clung to my neck, causing my light grey-white coat to appear completely white in stark contrast. Also in contrast with my light coat was the cutie mark residing on my flank. It was a simple leaf. One small, green, healthy looking leaf. Many people misunderstood my cutie mark, and I’m not sure I completely understood it myself. All I know is that the only times I could find complete mental peace were when I wasn’t around society, constantly distracted.
Using some magic, I levitated a small towel over and set to the process of attacking my mane till it was dry. I’d never been very talented with magic, but I could perform the basics such as levitation. After a good few minutes and a job well done, I removed the towel and found myself looking into my own light blue eyes in the mirror. I’d always found it easy to blend in with my less-than-vibrant colors. After a long moment I sighed, closed them, and started towards the door. As I exited the bathroom and walked into my room my eyes fell onto the bed of the hotel room, which I had not had the chance to enjoy the previous night due to the mare currently resting on it. At this sight, the previous night’s events all came rushing into my mind.
I had arrived in Hoofington after a particularly long journey, totaling a little over three weeks, and had gotten a room at a hotel. I had gone for a drink or two at the bar before I retired to my bed, and once I had arrived I sat down on the far end of the counter alone. I drank in silence until, after a few minutes, a particularly intoxicated mare sat (or rather fell) onto the seat next to me. She had a deep blue coat, and a disheveled white mane with a blue streak down the middle. Her cutie mark looked like a wand with a star tip and a blue aura to the side, but I only glanced at it briefly. I ignored her, and to my satisfaction she appeared to accept my kind yet blunt rejection of talking to her.
“The Great and Powerful Trixshie Demands that you,” she said as she somehow managed to point a hoof at me without falling off her stool, “buy her a drink.”
A few responses ran through my head all at once. “If you’re so great and powerful then why don’t you do it yourself?” But I was far to tired to deal with an insulted, angry, intoxicated mare right then. “Well, ‘The Great and Powerful Trixie,’ I demand that you buck off.” But I denied this one too; no reason to be mean to a mare that’s done nothing wrong to me. “You’re already drunk enough.” No again. That was the correct response but the tone would never do for this type of mare, especially in her current state.
“Well,” I said calmly, “I would, but you seem like you’ve had enough as is.”
“Don’t you EVER” she said, almost yelling as she prodded my ribs with her hoof, “Tell Tri-.. The Great and Powerful Trixshie that she can’t handle something!”
I sighed, looked up at her, and saw a delirious yet angrily determined look in her eyes that caused me to chuckle lightly. I knew this type of mare, and I knew exactly what to do.
“Yes Ma’am.” I said, unable to keep all the sarcasm completely out of my voice. I waved the barkeep over and, leaning in to him, whispered, “I'll take some seltzer water, but please put it in a mug.”
He gave me a curious glace, but I just hoofed him over two bits for the drink. As he delivered the drink, Trixie grasped it in her magic, and I pretended she was too fast I couldn’t stop her as she chugged the whole mug before putting on a victorious smirk and saying
“Once again The Great and Powerful Trixie has proven herself, to be the most amazing.. -hic- unicorn in ALL.. of Equestria. Was there.. ever.. any...” but she never finished what she was saying as she had promptly fallen asleep leaning against the bar.
“Well,” I thought to myself, “I can’t just leave her here.”
I had finished drinking for the night so I slowly slung her over my back and proceeded to walk towards the exit. On my way out I heard several fellow patrons, upon seeing my predicament, whistle and holler at me. I just grimaced and cantered out of the bar and back to my hotel room. I was tired so I hastily threw together a small bed on the floor for her to sleep on. “Sorry Trixie, but the real bed is definitely mine.” I said to no one in particular as I laid her down on the makeshift bed. I looked at her once more before sighing and walking outside to get her some water.
I lived, very strictly, by a few small rules. One of the most major ones was (I’m sure you’ve all heard it), “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” I knew that if I was passed out drunk, I would want someone to give me water to dull the hang over the next day. As I returned to my room with two large cups of water in my magic I found Trixie, as she called herself, was sprawled out on my bed, asleep. I took a deep breath, slowly rubbing the bridge of my snout as I breathed out. My annoyance dulled as I realised that I too would have wanted the bed if I was going to wake up with a hangover, so I decided to allow her to stay. Walking over to the bed and sitting on the edge I poked her side and quietly said “Trixie, wake up and drink this.”
“Ngghh..” she grumbled sleepily but, to my satisfaction, sat up and looked at me.
I levitated the mug closer to her and said “Drink this. It will help.”
She slowly took it from my magical grasp with her own and took a small drink before setting it down, and laying back down herself.
“No, Trixie,” I said, poking her again. “You have to drink it all.”
“The Great -hic- and Powerful Trixie doesn’t need your help.” she said as she closed her eyes. I’m not a mean pony at all, but I was tired, only trying to be helpful, and she was being ungrateful and insulting so I decided that I was done being gentle. Instead of poking her or trying to talk her into drinking the water I simply stood up, and pulled her off the bed with magic. I’m not sure if it was the impact with the floor or being levitated off the bed that woke her up but it did the trick quite well.
Now, for the sake of preserving a good image of ponies, I am going to say that Trixie definitely didn’t yell and spit vulgar insults at me for more than five minutes, and I definitely didn’t lose my temper and force her mouth shut with magic. What definitely happened though, was Trixie politely thanking me for the water, drinking it all completely willingly, and going back to sleep on the bed (definitely not on the floor where I’d have to levitate her to the bed).
With her finally asleep, I slowly walked over to my saddle bags and pulled out my special blanket. I was about to lay down to bed and try to sleep, but I was too annoyed by Trixie to fall asleep just yet. So I draped the blanket over her and decided I would take a short walk in the cool night air to clear my mind.
When I returned about half an hour later, all the anger was gone from my mind. But it was replace by something else: An old memory had crept into my mind during my walk and had firmly rooted itself there. It wasn’t a bad memory, but one that did bring me sadness and loathing that I could be back there. As I returned I heard Trixie mutter something about an Ursa Major in her sleep. I, having had a long day already, turned out the light and flopped down into my makeshift bed, welcoming its soft and warm embrace. However sleep did not overtake me as quickly as I had hoped it would. In fact, sleep didn’t overtake me for quite some time. I had far too much on my mind, remembering my child hood and how I had gotten to where I was now.
After I had been offered a contract as an author by “The Equestria Daily” in Canterlot I had travelled there and begun writing. After several attempts as a journalist, all of which were unsuccessful, I was beginning to starve. Both metaphorically and literally. I just could not seem to find the right atmosphere, the right mood, or the old zen I would achieve when I went to write before.
Times were very hard and I felt more stressed than ever. I was fearful that I would lose my job or not have money for rent and food. I could not concentrate on writing and it was clearly showing in my attempts to do so.
One night, unable to sleep, I had taken a walk around the city. It was brisk out at night, and caused a slight shiver upon first impact. Just the way I liked it. I had time alone to think. It was peaceful with no pony around to interrupt my daydreams. After an hour of wandering throughout the city aimlessly, half conscious as my mind’s bottled up thoughts finally all rushed to burst through the door into my train of thought, I ended up in the royal garden laying in the grass. Around me were various flowers that I couldn’t distinguish in the dark, and trees. I lay on my back and stared up at the sky, in awe of its beauty, but also its sheer immensity. An infinitely large frontier, with an unthinkable amount of places to see and explore.
I yawned, and was snapped out of my wandering mental monologue and became aware that there was now somepony else laying just feet away from me.
“Ya know,” she said, “I’ve always been told that some ponies do enjoy the night and the night sky but you might just be the first pony I’ve seen that actually does; besides me that is.”
Her voice seemed familiar, however I couldn’t quiet place it at the time. Through the veil of night I couldn’t see who this mare was, but I didn’t see any reason why I needed to know, so I simply lay my head back down.
“The sun is beautiful and all, and it lights up all of Equestria, but it does this at a much larger cost than gain in my opinion,” I replied to her.
“And what would that be?”
“While it lights up our physical world, I find that it blocks out or overshadows two very important other places. First off is the stars. Their beauty, their appeal, it’s so much greater than that of the sun, and not just because of how pretty they look. The night, mainly the night sky, is almost an involuntary mental gateway to the second pace the sun over shadows.”
“Which is?” she asked, sounding more interested than before.
“Our minds. During that day there are so many distractions, and everything is lit up and shown to you. During night, as I gaze at the stars I see so much that isn’t lit up. So much to be explored. And this stimulates my mind in way day never could. In day my canvas is limited, where out here.. out there..” I said, pointing my hoof towards the sky, “The possibilities, the uncovered, unknown ground, my canvas- they’re unlimited and blank. With no distractions around and these mental stimuli, I find an inner zen, a peace that the day could never bring me. On top of this, the night sky has always brought me clarity of mind. With no distractions, I can think more clearly, and delve into matters that never even cross most other pony’s minds. It’s like a retreat of mine, but the experience is new and different ever time.” I shivered slightly as I finished this, becoming cold because unlike before I was laying down, not moving.
The mare didn’t say anything, and neither did I. I simply gazed at the stars, lost in thought after thought. Things stayed like this for a while, until she spoke up again.
“You know, I never really thought about it that way.”
“What exactly do you mean?” I replied
“That the night sky.. that its beauty goes beyond just the visual appeal.”
“That’s the reason I like it so much.” I was quiet for a moment, considering my next words before I spoke. “Beauty... no, True beauty goes beyond just how attractive it is to the eye. The pure immensity of the night, that is unparalleled even by the sun, how with even a bit of thought it can humble the strongest and smartest of ponies. It makes me feel so... insignificant.” as I finished this I saw her slightly tense up, and quickly corrected my mistake.“In a good way that is.”
She released a breathe I hadn’t noticed she was holding and for a moment I saw her turn her head towards me, but I just kept my eyes on the stars.
“Now you answer, What exactly do you mean?”
This time i didn’t have to think about my response, for I had already dwelt upon the answer for hours in the past.
“In the day time,” I began “everpony goes about their business, whether it is work or school or some other activity.” She had a slightly confused look on her face, but stayed quiet as I continued. “Why do they do these things? Why do they go to school? In hope of achieving their dreams. Why do they go to work? To make money and feed their families. Why do they do what every they do? For a certain purpose that can’t just be ignored.” She still wore a confused expression so I continued. “All of these things cause stress and worry; they cause your mind to dwell on the bad what-ifs. What if I get fired? How will I feed my kids? What if I fail a class? I might not achieve my dreams. I will be unhappy. I have to do all this work. Everypony feels like there is so much to be done to make their place in Equestria. So much work, so much stress, and an overall negative mental attitude. Here, however, my slate is clean. I don’t need to do anything. I don’t have any stress, or fear. My mind is able to relax, I am able to relax, and clearly think on subjects that truly matter to me. I am able to let my conscience take over completely. Out here.. I stare up at the stars and I feel no need to make my place, or do anything huge. All I need to do is lay here, let my troubles float away, and allow my conscience to do the talking. And for me, at least, this is about the most relaxing, most valuable time I can possibly spend. Beauty goes beyond visual appeal, and what I have said isn’t even beginning to encompass the word or how... this” I said as I raised my hooves skyward, “perfectly portrays it.”
She was quiet for a few minutes before she finally said “That’s...” She started, “You’re...” She said sounding flustered, almost surprised.
“You have no reason to be flustered because you didn’t see this.” I said quietly. “I’ve spent more time than is healthy developing thoughts like this...” I chuckled quietly as I finished speaking.
But instead of responding I heard her move closer to me, her mane now laying just inches from mine. I contemplated looking over to see who this mare was, but decided against it. We stayed like this for quite some time, not speaking, just thinking. The seconds melted together, and I had no idea how long I had been laying like this. I felt more relaxed and open than I had felt in quite some time. Minutes melted together and it seemed I had been laying there for hours. I felt my eyelids grow ever heavier as time passed, but I tried with all my might to keep them open.
The next thing I remember, I had fallen asleep in the grass and woke up in the morning to find that somepony had draped a blanket over me. It was black as night, and made of some of the softest silk I had ever felt. The blanket was covered in dew, and the cold morning mist was all around me, but I wasn’t cold at all. I slowly got up, surprisingly feeling better than I had in a while despite sleeping on the ground, and slung the blanket over my shoulders as I made my way back to my studio apartment. The sun was just starting to peek over the horizon as I cantered back, and once I arrived I walked over to my bed and laid down. After levitating my journal over to myself, I opened it and turned to a new page. I lay staring at the blank page for a few moments, feeling as though I had something to write but no words came to mind. After a few minutes of this I sighed, returned my journal to the floor next to my bed, and pulled the black blanket over myself as I went to sleep.
Back in my hotel room with Trixie as the memory faded away for the time being, so did my will to stay awake. My eyelids finally shut and I drifted off to sleep. Even though I had fallen asleep to such a pleasant memory my dreams didn’t follow suit. As a matter of fact my dreams were rarely ever pleasant.
I dreamt almost every night, and not normal dreams. My land of slumber wasn’t visited by clowns, dinosaurs, or other weird creatures. The only things I ever dreamt were vivid, usually bad, memories of mine. As if my mind was unwilling to let me get over and forget the sadness so it could itself retain the knowledge I gained from them. Tonight, however, was different. My dream was of a memory that wasn’t all bad, but more bittersweet. It was the memory of the last time I had seen my parents, and the last day I had spent in my foalhood town.
I wasn’t not angry. No, I was past that. I wasn’t sad either; this was what I wanted, what I needed. I had already broken all my ties to this place, even those that seemed unbreakable once, and getting kicked out of the academy was all the push I need to get going. I had the books I needed in my saddle bag, and it was now or never. I turned to leave... One simple motion that by itself destroys so much. The straw that breaks the camel's back beyond repair.
"Where do you think you're going?!" she yelled at me.
"I’m not sure mom.... Anywhere." I said, finishing quietly.
"After ALL we have done for you? You ungrateful little bucking bastard!"
Silence fills the room. Her eyes were filled with hatred and screamed of repressed anger, but most of all with ignorance and confusion. It was at this moment that I truly, finally understood her. She opened her mouth to speak, but was interrupted before she can lash out another misguided slur of anger.
"Be quiet." My father said simply, yet firmly.
"Whats wrong with you! Your going to let him just leave and disrespect us after everything we have done?!"
My father gives her a stern look and she shrunk back down. His gaze didn’t leave her, however, and after a long moment he spoke again. This time his voice was raised. "After everything WE'VE done for HIM?" anger grew on his face slowly, but he closed his eyes and inhaled deeply as it melted away. "I'm sorry I didn't see this sooner, and that I've wasted so much of your time pushing you into that school and trying to make you what I wanted you to be." He said to me quietly. "If you want to go, I won't stop you. I know I can’t fix my mistakes, which are to more than just you." He said. He then turned to look at my mother as a single tear rolled down her cheek.
I learned more about my parents in this one moment than any other in my entire life. It was at this moment that I believe they both realised who exactly it was holding them down. Themselves.
Throughout my whole foalhood all my father ever did was work. He'd rise early, lock himself in his study or sometimes go out to work, and return late into the night and immediately retire to bed. My mother stayed at home watching me. We never fought when I was young but as I matured, experienced things in life for myself, I realised she had yet to experience life herself. She had been sheltered and robbed of so much by her old fashioned father, and then made to stay home by mine. She was in heart and mind more of a foal than I.
I slowly glanced to my father and said “It’s okay dad. I don’t blame you and I’m not mad, but if you want to repay me than do one thing. You have enough money to last you a life time, so sell this house, get a smaller place, and retire early. Spend your time with the person who needs it more than anybody.” I then glanced over at my mom.
The anger in her eyes was replaced with sadness, but also determination, a look I knew quite well. “And you mom, I’m sorry I have to leave, but this job is... it’s what I’ve always wanted. I want you to have this though.” I undid the button on my right saddle pack and removed a small book. This book had been my personal journal for the past two years, and contained many thoughts I knew would not only warm her heart, but also help her mind to be put at ease.
“This has helped me solve many problems over the past few years. When ever I was having trouble I’d just write. It’s yours now though, and I think it really may be able to help you too.”
I exhaled deeply as I looked down at the ground, my mane falling in front of my face and eyes. “I may not be back, or I may be... But what ever happens,” I said as I turned my head back up to face them “I will never forget you, and the memories I hold will won’t be ones of hatred or regret.”
I slowly turned towards the door and walked out. Not to be dramatic, but because I simply had no reason to hurry anymore, nor did I want to.. I had finally found the job I wanted. I was to be an author. I had gotten a publishing contract with a big company in Canterlot and I was finally setting out on my own in life, finally beginning to do what I wanted. I was my own pony and no pony could take that from me. I remember the feeling being so great.
I was my own pony and no pony could take that from me. I remember the feeling being so great. As I slowly left the house I had grown up in for the last time, I couldn’t help but feel a bit of sorrow. Even if I was headed off in the direction of my dream job, this place and its inhabitants had molded me into who I was.. Truly, a piece of me would never leave that place. But I had taken a piece of it to fill the gap.
It was around 2 a.m. as I turned to walk down the road, away and out of town. But this was the perfect time to me, I would often go on walks throughout the city and surrounding forest at night. I always found that at night the darkness, silence, brisk breeze, but most of all lack of distractions were the perfect factors for bringing me internal peace. Whatever was troubling my mind was cured, for the time being at least. Even if I had no problems it would open my mind and allow my thoughts to flow freely, not weighed down or overpowered by any stress, fear, anger, or sorrow.
I found comfort in my walk to Canterlot and, lost in my own thoughts as usual, barely noticed time as it passed. What had seemed like only a few minutes turned out to be more than a few hours as I arrived at the gates to the capital city during dawn.
Walking inside, I went to the small studio apartment that ‘The Equestria Daily’ had arranged for me and dropped off my belongings. I contemplated trying to write, but I knew I was much too tired to make any articles worth putting in their newspapers.
After making the place a bit more homey by unpacking my few belongings, which wholly included paper, pencils, a journal, and a pen, I flopped down on the small bed, exhausted, and almost immediately fell into a deep sleep.
Over the next few days I didn’t write much, but learned about the way of life there and the city itself. It was much louder than my hometown of Hoofington, and there was so much more to do. I found it much harder to write, not only time wise, but quality wise as well. I just couldn’t achieve the relaxed state of mind I was always in when I wrote.....
I had not had an article accepted by “The Equestria Daily” since I had arrived in Canterlot almost two weeks before. There were just too many distractions to write, and the hunger beginning to eat away at me didn’t help either...
I stood now in my hotel room. The main bulk of the previous night, its memory, and its dreams having all rushed through my mind. I once more looked down at the mare sleeping in my bed.
“It’s been quite some time since this has happened” I said, laughing quietly to myself. Upon my saying this Trixie lept out of bed, for the first time not due to my magic, and looked around for a moment confused. She then caught sight of me, staring at her, then the bed with its rustled sheets. Next she caught sight of my unkempt hair, slightly damp, and she realised that she couldn’t remember what happened the previous night. I saw her physically shrink down and eyes fill with a mix of fear and regret as the gears turned incorrectly in her mind.
“Oh no. No no no no. I didn’t-” she began, her voice shaking slightly. I also noted this was the first time The Great and Powerful Trixie hadn’t referred to herself in the third person. “Was it really that bad of a thing to do with me? Am I THAT.. unappealing?” I thought to myself, but almost immediately pushed that away, chuckling lightly about even having thought such a thing.
“Why are you laughing!?” she shouted, snapping me back to the matter at hand and sobering me up instantly.
“No, we didn’t do anything besides sleep.” I informed her. “And I was laughing at my own foalishness.” At hearing this she let out a large sigh, closing her eyes and slumping to the floor. I could almost see the tension melt away from her, as she relaxed once more, before snapping back to attention.
“Who are you. And where have you brought The Great and Powerful Trixie?” she asked.
I opened my mouth to answer, but then shut it and furled my brow. Not only was she rude, but she had not even bothered to ask for my name or even act as if she cared for anypony else than herself. I slowly stood up and headed for the door out of my room, but before I could reach it she had her leg in my way, barring my exit.“Where do you THINK you’re going?” she said to me, a tone of anger and annoyance laced heavily throughout her voice.
“I’m going to get some tea.” I said as I magicked her leg out of the way and held it till the door was open, “And then, you will get your answers.”
She magicked the door closed before I could get out and said “No. You will tell Trixie NOW!”
Deeming a response to this not necessary for I had already told her I would answer her later, I slowly turned to her and gave her a blank stare before opening the door again physically and walking out.She let out a quiet “Hmph” before begrudgingly trotting up to and following me. We walked in silence for a few minutes, and as we were beginning to near the city’s limits she spoke up.
“Just which cafe are you going to?”
“I’m not going to a cafe.” I said and paused for a moment before I began again. “I’m going to make my own tea.”
“From what? Random leaves?” she scoffed.
“No, not random leaves. A few certain herbs that I know grow in this area and make better tea than you will find in any cafe.”
“I doubt it.” she said before smirking slightly and saying, “The Great and Powerful Trixie, however, could make a tea that would humble even the royal cooks in Canterlot.”
“Oh great. She was already back to being as self absorbed and confident as always. Well, better than being to scared and shy to do anything.” I thought to myself.
“I’m sure you could Trixie. I’m sure you could.” I said, once again unable to keep the sarcasm from my voice. However, unlike last time, she wasn’t drunk and so caught onto it.
“Is that a challenge?” She said, stopping to turn and look at me, with that same arrogant smile she had practically trademarked.
Now, as I said before, I knew this type of pony and I knew that challenging her, win or lose, would only waste time or make her angry. Fortunately, I did know exactly what to say to make her be quiet though.Turning to her I said “No, it is not. I know I cannot hope to compare to you.” I said, keeping my voice and face perfectly calm and serious.
“OH YEAH!?” she began before realising what I said, as I continued to stare at her blankly. “I mean. Oh yeah. Of course you can’t.”
“Yup. Now c'mon, I need to gather the leaves.” I said, turning and beginning to walk towards the forest. After a moment the confused look left her face and she began to follow. Trotting up alongside me she began to speak again. Sighing inwardly, I began preparing myself for another challenge, insult, or glorious reference to her glorious self (in the third person of course). But, surprisingly enough she didn’t say any of these.
“While you gather your plants,” she began “tell Trixie exactly what happened last night.”
Deciding to give her the complete and unabridged version, I began speaking myself. “Well, I came into town at about 10 PM. After getting a hotel room I decided on having a drink or two at the bar before I retired for the night.”
I went on and recalled everything that had happened the night before, from the seltzer water to the bed. Well, almost everything. I didn’t quite mention how I had dropped her on the floor or forced water down her throat. Because I definitely didn’t even do such a thing, as I clearly stated before. I had gathered all the necessary herbs, and had returned to my hotel room by the time I was finally finished recounting the previous night to her. She was quiet and still as I put the leaves into a bowl of water on the stove and ignited it. We sat in several thick moments of silence before she spoke. However, this time what she said surprised me even more than before. And not because of what she said, but because of how quiet, soft, and sad her voice sounded.
“You did all that.. for Trixie.. even after how she treated you?” She said, her eyes boring holes into the ground. Unfocused and distant, yet unwavering. I had only seen this look once before, yet I knew it like the bottom of my hoof.
“Well, I thought it might be the alcohol talking at the time.. But regardless of if I knew or not, I would have done the same thing.”
“But.... why?” she almost whispered after a long pause
“Because I know if I was in your position I would have wanted the same done to me. Even if I knew you wouldn’t treat me the same.. it’s what I’d want. And that drives me to give other ponies the same treatment I’d want despite the situation.”
She was quiet for a long time at hearing this, and so was I. The way she looked, from her eyes to her stature. The way she talked about my small act of general kindness as if it was an amazing gift. I could almost see the terrible sadness dripping off of her- being repressed and compacted to fit inside the mask she had forced herself to wear for so long. A mask that was growing tighter and tighter, with everything begging to be let out. But what really convinced me of this was the small movement she did next. She didn’t cry, or break down. She simply let her head hang, eyes close, and a pitiful laugh escaped her lips as her head slowly nodded no and a small smile came across her face. And then she looked up, the smile fading from her face and her laugh ceasing. Her eyes bored holes into me, but she wasn’t really looking at me. The distant, pained look in them told me her mind was going through far too much to really see. Looking at this mare, I could almost feel her emotions radiating off of her.
“She must have an incredible amount of willpower to have kept her mask on and head up through what’s happened to her” I thought to myself. Without thinking I began speaking slowly and quietly.
“Trixie, I think that we have some things we should talk about, if you’re okay with it.”
“Sure. What ever.” She said quietly, her eyes holding to the same look.
“Where do you live? So I can come get you later on tonight to talk.” I asked her. Instantly I regretted this because her eyes focused once more, but this time her mask cracked ever so slightly. A small choked gasp escaped her throat as a tear rolled down her cheek. I couldn’t see, notice, or think of anything else as this embodiment of my own mistake took its toll on her. Her eyes weren’t puffy or bloodshot and she showed no sign nor recognition of the tear as her mouth opened.
“I don’t have a house. I’ve been sleeping in the forest just outside of town for about a week now.” Her face was devoid of emotion as she finished. I sighed heavily as the full weight of what she had said came down upon me. My mind began racing. “So she has.. But she was acting so powerful.. What could have happened to her to make her like this? What ever she’s been going through... She has been going through it alone? How long has she been hurting like this?”
“How have you been..” I began, but I stopped myself. All the answers would come that night. “You can stay here Trixie. My apartment is yours. I don’t have much but what ever you can find and use is yours... I have a small bag of bits on the night stand. Consider them payment for meeting me tonight.”
She was quiet for a few moments and I began to think that she may have not heard me, but then her mouth opened again.
“Thank you...”
“Clear,” I told her. “My name is Clarity Green. But call me clear.”
“Thank you Clear.” She said and looked up at me. No smile, no smirk, no frown. No challenging, overconfident, or victorious words. No words, or tears at all. But I didn’t need any of these to understand her emotions at this moment. For I’d been through it all myself in the past. I knew exactly what she was going through.
I slowly turned off the burner and turned to trot away out the door, shutting it quietly and leaving the tea. Tonight I would finally get a chance to help someone truly in need of it.
--------------------------------------------------
I returned to my hotel room as the sun was beginning to go down and, upon entering, immediately had to shove my hoof into my mouth to stifle my laughter. Carefully and quietly I trotted over and began picking up the trash and left overs from Trixie’s lunch, which was seemingly enormous from the amount of wreckage left. But this wasn’t what caused my sudden outburst of laughter, the cause for that was sprawled out on my bed, snuggled deep into my black silk blanket. Her mouth was wide open with a small trail of drool leaking out. Trixie’s right foreleg and left hind leg were unceremoniously hanging off the edge of the bed and her other two legs barely on the bed as if she had just made it before she collapsed. Meanwhile, the blanket was covering her bottom half, but the part that should have covered her top half was clutched to her chest by her left foreleg.
But out of all of this, the best part was perhaps the small and unbelievably adorable snorts and grunts she was occasionally making. After a moment I found myself just staring at her, completely content and happy. With a smile newly brought to my face, I quietly pulled out my journal and began writing.
Page 197
It’s amazing what a warm bed and hot food can do for a pony. Just last night I found a drunk, forwardly rude, overconfident pony. Today I learned of her housing situation, which happens to be nonexistent. I offered her my bed, possessions, and bits as her own. On that note, I’d recommend that you check the royal treasuries. I think she may have bought every possible scrap of food available. But, being that I’m currently in Hoofington, you probably won’t be quite broke. Anyways, last night and earlier today she seemed like the most overconfident and hubris filled pony, however, after I showed her a little kindness she seemed almost shocked. I showed her how every pony should act and she was completely surprised, and actually said thank you (which is a big deal from a pony like this). My main point is that, no matter what mask a pony wears or how hostile they act, you should always wait till you really know them to judge them. They may be much deeper than they let on. I guess you would understand more if you could see her right now.. She littered the floor and nightstand with wreckage from her lunch, and ended up sprawled out on the bed with my blanket. Between her legs hanging off the bed, and the small snorts she puts on an overall incredibly cute look.
-Clear
Re Reading my note for any errors, I ripped it out and copied the message to the next sheet of paper. Folding it up the original, I wrote my name and the Canterlot castle address onto it before walking outside and placing it in the mailbox. My book was so close to being finished, I only had three more pages to finish. The whole prospect of completing such a large project brought me happiness in more ways than one. First off, I would be able to, hopefully, sell the book and make enough profit for a trip outside of Equestria. Though Luna was funding me now, I couldn’t even think to ask for the amount of money my further trips would cost. The idea had been brewing in my mind for a while, and I had yet to find any reasons to deteste it. I would get the bits, go to the edge of Equestrian territory, and just start walking. No destination, no plans, nothing to worry about. The only dangers would be inevitable if they were to come.
The second reason for my happiness was not anything physical. Throughout my life I had started many projects, down many roads, in many directions. Becoming a professional writer from the academy, writing for “The Equestria Daily” in Canterlot and so forth, had been some of the attempts. This book was something I had wanted to do, and had yet again started down the road. I would, for one of the first times, actually be completing this project, not just going half way then abandoning it. B
Coming back inside, Trixie stirred slightly at the sound made by the door. She slowly sat up, looking at me through bleary eyes.
“Well good morning sunshine.” I said, my good mood blatantly obvious.
She was quiet for a moment as she woke up and my comment registered in her mind, an annoyed look crossing her face.
“And what an absolutely glorious sight to arise to.” She said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.
“Ouch... I’m just going to assume that I misheard you, and you said thank you for lunch and a bed.”
“The Great and Powerful Trixie deserves... no, is entitled to these basic amenities. She does not need to thank your for them.”
“Oh excuse me my queen. I beg you to pardon my indiscrepancy.” I said with a straight face, bowing low as a suppressed laugh escaped her. I laughed myself and looked up to see her trying, but failing, to stop the steady stream of laughter with a hoof over her mouth and a smile on her face. But unlike her smile before, her eyes were open, and she didn’t have a defeated look to her.
She looked, surprisingly, almost... happy. I found myself once again just staring at her. Quickly snapping back, I began speaking.
“The sun is pretty much completely down, and we have a lot to talk about. Lets go.”
“Go where?”
“The same place I always go: anywhere.” I replied, but she remained where she was. Firmly rooted to the bed with a rebellious, defiant look on her face.
“I’ll tell you what.” I began “if you come along and aren’t a huge hassle, I’ll let you sleep here again and use my room tomorrow.” At this she was swiftly and wordlessly off the bed and headed for the door, head held high.
“Good. Now lets go.” I said mostly to myself.
As we started walking neither of us spoke, but she broke the silence as we neared the city’s edge.
“What, are you going to go make tea again?”
“No.” I answered, my more serious mood returning. “I’ve got something I want to show you. A place I used to go all the time when I was a boy.” We trotted in silence for a few more minutes through the woods before we arrived at a small clearing in the trees. The moonlight cascaded into the grove, illuminating the layer of soft grass on the ground and the large rock planted firmly in the ground to the left.
I slowed and silently walked into the beautiful clearing, making my way to its center with Trixie right behind me. I looked up at the sky, the moon and stars in perfect view. The whole sky open and uninterrupted. Closing my eyes I slowly inhaled a deep breath, letting it go as I lowered my head back down.
“I’ve been here many times before. I would come almost once a week this time of night when I was young.”
“You grew up in Hoofington?” She asked.
Realising I had told her none of my past, I sat down in the grass, got comfortable, and began speaking.
“Yeah. It was my home town. I was a single foal, but I had friends. When I was very young my father and mother moved out here because they thought it would be a better environment to raise me in than Fillydelphia.”
She scoffed at this and answered “They’re right about that.”
“How would you know?”
At this I saw her tense up slightly, before relaxing and answering cooly,“Trixie has travelled around quite a bit.”
“Oh I see.” I answered. I wanted to ask her to elaborate, but I knew she would answer that herself before too long, so I continued.
“But anyways, my life in Hoofington started then. My father got a job as the chief sales executive, or something like that, for a supposedly very fancy restaurant.”
“What do you mean supposedly?”
“Well... I never actually got to eat there. My father didn’t want to spend that much money on a single meal. But I’m not really sure... I never much liked those big businesses anyways.”
I decided to exclude the fact that I never got to learn about his job or business because we never talked to each other any more than passing comments.
“My mother stayed home and took care of me. The house I grew up in was actually right were that hotel is now. I found that hotel last night because I was going to see my old house.” I chuckled lightly as I said this. “It’s been about 3 years since I was last here. I don’t remember much from when I was very young, obviously. But some of what I remember is that my mom made me get up every sunday morning and watch the sunrise. It was some sort of a tradition that her family had kept up. I’m not exactly sure why they did it, and I know she told me many times why, but I never really listened. It was just me and her who went to watch it though. My father would occasionally come but most times he had been up late the night before working, or was already at work. I asked my mom once why he didn’t have to come, and I was forced to go.” I said and laughed lightly. “I just didn’t understand at the time. I also remember that living to the left of me we had neighbors with no kids, and to our right our neighbors had two young kids about my age.” I gazed up into the stars now, a smile crossing my face and, if it had a distinct look, a nostalgic look in my eyes. “Their names were Sheen and... Copper... Copper shield? Something like that. Now that I’m thinking about it, I never saw their parents that much... or at all...” The thought that maybe they didn’t have parents came to my mind, and was only supported by the thought that my dad, being cheap as he was, had bought us a very small run down house that wasn’t exactly in the most expensive part of town. Realizing I had been silent for more than a moment due to the thought, I put it aside for later and continued. “Copper was very protective over Sheen. The typical older brother protecting his younger sister. Sometimes it made me wish I had someone or something to watch over and protect. Just the way he did it so gloriously and righteously. When I was young they were my first friends. Remembering now, I was Sheen’s age and Copper was a bit older than us both. The day I met Sheen, Copper was off doing something else. I remember him saying he was going to go talk to someone in the bottom of the mines. It always took him so long to go see that person, and when he returned he always seemed very tired and was covered in dust. He was very hesitant of me at first, and watched me like a hawk when ever I was with Sheen. Though after awhile he began to grow used to me, and actually asked me to play with Sheen while he was gone.” I looked over and saw Trixie sitting beside me, with an interested look to her, so I continued. “I happily obliged, of course, and we became the best of friends. Everyday I would wake up a few hours after dawn and go wait for her to wake up. A few days Copper would come along and play with us too, but he had to go talk to that stallion in the mine almost every day.”
As I said this the gears in my head finally turned and I let out a strangled gasp as the harsh reality of Copper’s foalhood finally crashed into me. A thousand thoughts burst into my mind to refute the issue, but they all ended up supporting it: Copper had been forced to work and support Sheen as a foal... How strong must he have been... How fast was he forced to put his innocence away and grow up...
“What? What’s wrong?” Trixie asked with a concerned look on her face.
“I just... Nothing.” I said quietly.
But wasn’t just nothing. My mind was still swimming through a sea with a very high consistency of Copper. All the times I had just brushed it off as nothing.. I had never bothered to even put a thought to the issue. Was I so blind as a young colt? What else had evaded my selfish, tunnel visioned mind? I wish I had known... I wish I could have at least tried to help..
“But when I turned 12,” I said changing the subject and forcing the thought out of my mind. “Sheen and I were still very close. We went to school together, but we weren’t in the same class. We would play together during break, and she introduced me to a lot of other ponies who she had met. Almost every day after school she would come over to my house for a snack or lunch. Some nights during winter she would sneak into my room at night. I would go get her a blanket and we would share my bed. She asked me many times if I liked anypony in our class, but I always told her I liked everypony. I didn’t understand what she meant by it at the time. She always said she liked a certain young colt named Golden Spoons. I never knew him well but I remember his father was very rich. Now that I think about it though, we never had sleepovers at her house. Copper always made us sleep at my house when we did. But anyways, one day I went to her house and she was writing a poem. When I asked her what she was doing she simply handed me paper, a pen, and said to write. So I did. I wrote a short story about something random and silly, but I was so proud of myself I showed it to my parents. A while later my father told me that he wanted me and Sheen to enter a writing contest hosted by this prestigious, private school on the other side of town. We both wrote short stories and sent them in.”
“What was your story about?” Trixie asked, finally interrupting me from my rambling.
I spoke slowly as I tried to recall the memory.
“I think it was about... hmm... Oh, I remember now. It was about a young pegasus by the name of Sky Breeze and how he had dreamed of being the fastest flier in all of Equestria. He had worked so hard at it, but no matter how much he trained there was always somepony faster than him. Finally, after losing the Best Young Flier competition, he had given up all hope and left Cloudsdale in shame. He flew to a small town where he discovered that his true talent and dream was... umm... some job there.” I said.
“I don’t remember the exact details of it. But anyway, we sent them in and a few weeks later I got a letter back from them in the mail.”
“What’d it say?” Trixie asked, almost excitedly.
I laughed quietly at her reaction and continued. “Well, I had won. I’m not sure if I got first because there were four other winners, but I won. The prize I received was admission to the academy. I remember how happy my father was when this happened. He took the note into work the next day to show all his coworkers. My mom was happy about it too, but she wasn’t nearly as excited as my dad.” Again the gears turned in my head and caused it to droop down slightly, my ears fell flat, and a sad look entered my eyes. “I think it’s because she had devoted the past 12 years of her life to me and now I was going to hardly be home. But I remember her saying to me once that no matter what to always remember how proud she was of me. No matter what.” As I said this, Trixie also seemed to droop down a little bit and I remembered why I had brought her out here, and changed the subject. “So Trixie, why don’t you tell me a little bit about your past?”
She was quiet for a long moment and then opened her mouth as if to speak before shutting it again. Her eyes slowly turned from their previously focused and interested look to more distant and thought filled. Not wanting her to return to how she had been earlier, I quickly changed the subject.
“But we can do that later it’s no big deal.” I lied. That was the whole reason I had brought her out here, but I didn’t want to make her sad. Searching my mind for something to say, I fell back onto the first idea and pulled my journal from my saddle bag turning to the first page.
“What’s that?” She asked. I could tell she didn’t mean physically what was it, but more what material was contained within.
“It’s a journal I’ve been keeping for a while now... Well, a sort of journals. I don’t write about my day and how it’s been. This is a sort of... a guide, I guess you could call it.” I told her.
“A guide to what?”
“To how to be a better pony and lead a better life, in my eyes.” My answer was simple and to the point.
“Trixie doesn’t understand, how can it take a whole book to show how to act?”
“Hmm...” Putting my hoof to my chin, I thought. After a few moments and failed explanation ideas, I decided it would be best to just give her an example. “Well let me read you the first page.”
Page 1
The past. People say it’s just the past and we should work for the future. But what they don’t realise is that the past is what shapes not only our present life, but where our future will take us. The past is decided by the choices we make, but making a perfectly educated and thought out choice is almost impossible. To do so you must brainstorm your options, pros, and cons in a completely extensive array of mindsets and emotions. You also have to look at your own choice from everyone else’s point of view, almost as if you were viewing yourself from third person. Of course we can’t put this much time and effort into every decision we are faced with, but I find the trick is to be able to see which choices are worth really making right.
-Clear
I looked over at Trixie, and saw she had laid down and was staring up at the stars.
“I guess now you can see what I meant by a guide of sorts. This is a book of suggestions, which I think every pony should follow. I believe that the world would be a much happier, much better place if everyone did.”
“This is all very interesting, but Trixie doesn’t fully understand why making a choice seems so difficult to you.”
“Making choices is easy.” I began. “Being able to make a choice you know is correct is the hard thing to do. We can all just choose an option presented to us, and think nothing of it. But when a decision comes that really means alot you want to make sure you make it correctly.”
“Which is also easy. You just consider the options and decide.” Trixie interrupted.
“It is far from easy Trixie. The mind is an interesting thing. Somepony could see an issue entirely differently if they are in a different state of mind. If somepony is angry they may be too focused on their anger to see the entire issue. Sure you can tell them the whole issue, but their mind is too focused on anger to really consider all the factors, options, and outcomes. If somepony tries to make a decision while they’re sad their thoughts will also be limited. They may not fully consider who is a fault, or the outcomes of what they do, because all they want is to escape the sadness. The point is, whenever you need to make an important decision you must completely consider your options in a wide array of emotional states. You also must consider how whatever choice you make will affect others. In my opinion, you should consider this more heavily than anything else.”
“And why should Trixie put others before herself?” She asked, almost spitting the words at me.
“It’s exactly that mentality that has to change.” I said quietly, looking down
“So you are saying that others are more important than The Great and Powerful Trixie? You are saying that I need to change?”
“No. I am not saying anypony is more important than anypony else.” I began. “I am not saying you are wrong, or that you need to change. I would almost recommend that you keep your way of thought.”
“But you just said that thinking like that needed to change.” She countered.
“It does need to change, but it isn’t going to. I’m not impractical Trixie, and I understand that I can’t get everypony to suddenly value others over themselves. I said you should keep the way you think because of this. You would only be limiting yourself if you followed this idea when everypony else doesn’t. But if you put other ponies before yourself, if everypony did this then Equestria would be a much safer place. From personal experience though, the worst and most painful pony to be criticized by is yourself. I follow these rules not because I love everypony else nor because I am trying to convert other ponies to be like me and change Equestria; I do this because at the end of the day I need to be at peace with myself.” I began speaking faster, my emotions taking hold of me. “I need to know that I am not a hypocrite, that I am not doing the same as the ponies I see and think less of. I’m fine with being insulted by anypony besides myself. I do what I do so I can be happy with who I am as a pony. How can I expect to accomplish anything or become anything when I can’t even accept and love myself?”
There was silence for a few long moments, and I thought I may have insulted Trixie, but then she spoke.
“Trixie has met many ponies in her days.” She began. “She has always been the one entertaining, showing other ponies new things. Very rarely does Trixie actually meet some pony who has something interesting to say, or anything to say besides words of awe and adoration.”
I laid down next to her on my back and stared up at the stars myself.
“What type of entertainment do you do?” I asked.
“Magic.” She said with a glimmer in her eyes.
“Oh, so like flashy magic shows?”
“No.” She said flatly. “The Great and Powerful Trixie has never and will never perform a ‘flashy magic show’.” At this she stood up and glared down at me. “The Great and Powerful Trixie is the most amazing, most powerful unicorn in ALL of Equestria! Every show Trixie amazes her audience by showing them how powerful she is.”
Catching on to where this was going, I asked another question that would give me a definite answer. “And how exactly do you show this to them?”
“Well, Trixie challenges anypony to anything they please. I show them that what ever they can do, I can do better.” She paused for a moment before continuing. “I always win... of course.” However confident her words were, the falter in her voice destroyed any sense of meaning to them. But I decided not to push into the issue. I was here to learn of her past and I intended to do just so. And now I saw a door to do so, her love of magic.
“Sounds like you have been practicing magic for quite some time.” I prompted her.
She took the bait without a moment's hesitation. “Why of course. Trixie was born to do such unimaginable feats.” I looked over at her, and I saw the same look I had earlier when I was recalling my foalhood. “I was born and raised in Fillydelphia. From when I was very young I was always fascinated by magic. Trixie remembers she and her friend Redheart would spend hours every day just practicing spells. Well... Redheart was an earth pony, but she would watch and cheer Trixie on. We would stay awake at night in my room to read books about powerful magics. But we would have to hide under my blanket and I would make our light so we wouldn’t be caught.” A small, barely noticeable smile spread across her face. “When I was about 7 or 8 I entered a talent show. Saving the best for last, Trixie was set to perform after all the other.. acts. All of the performers were amateurs, besides one earth pony that is. She had a grey coat, and played the cello.”
I was taken aback by this. Could Trixie be talking about..
“What was her name?” I asked
“Trixie does not remember. All Trixie remembers about her was that she was my first challenger. She played the cello with grace and skill, and the crowd was very impressed with her performance. The Great and Powerful Trixie was unperturbed by her, in comparison, mediocre performance.” That same smirk returned to her face. “Trixie amazed the crowd with her intense magic, and dwarfed the performance of the musician.”
“Trixie earned her Cutie Mark that night.” She said. The smirk was gone from her face, but it was replaced with a look of immeasurable pride and a content pleasantness.
“Little did Trixie know, a teacher from Celestia’s academy for gifted unicorns was present. The next day, when Trixie was at dinner with all the other fillies, the teacher payed us a visit. I had been offered a spot at the academy the next year.”
Without thinking about it I interrupted her to ask, “All the other fillies?”
Upon finishing, I glanced over at Trixie. This was the third time in the past day she would surprise me. However, unlike the previous two times, it wasn’t a delightful surprise. I saw she had the same look as earlier in her eyes. Distant, faded, dead. No, not dead, but as close to it she could get. The look in her eyes told me that, same as before, she wasn’t really seeing me.. or anything really. She was looking through her mind’s eye at the moment, and I was willing to bet that what ever she was seeing was not pleasant. She began speaking again, her voice devoid of its previous happy tone.
“Trixie’s.... My parents left me.”
“Trixie you don’t have to-”
“They went on a trip to the Northern Icelands, through griffin territory, and never returned. I never heard from them, of them, or about them from anypony ever again. No funeral or even notice they were gone besides a police pony who came for me after they had been gone for over a week. Trixie was sent to a very large home with other fillies whose parents had also left. I don’t understand why they thought that grouping us all together was even remotely, or will ever be, a good idea. All it was was a constant reminder of what I didn’t have. What I could never have, regardless of how much I wished or tried.” Silence hung over us for a moment before she continued, this time her lamentation obvious in her voice. “Although I do suppose that it was better than constantly seeing other fillies who had all that I wanted. I’m not sure to this day which is the more cruel fate.” A single tear silently rolled down her cheek. One single tear that was simply a straggler behind thousands of others, and had many more behind it aswell.
“Buck me...” I said quietly to myself. I hated making other ponies sad, and this mare’s sadness hit me especially hard for some reason. Closing my eyes I slowly ran my hooves through my mane, then opened my eyes again to look up at the stars. After more than a few moments of silence I once again spoke. “Trixie, if you want to talk about what’s on your-”
“Just... Be quiet. Please.” She interrupted.
I sighed and slumped down, wishing I could go back and stop myself from saying what I had. This mare was getting to me. Not because of her belligerently rude behavior, not because of the fact she was homeless, and not even because I had cast such negative emotions onto her. She was getting to me because I could see, through this moment, that she was so much deeper than I had previously thought or she had let on. I could see so much of what I used to be in her.
I glanced over at her once more and saw she was sitting, but her head was hung down and eyes closed. I’m not sure where it came from, or why I didn’t think twice about it, but I slowly sat up and turned to her, placing my hooves on her temples. She looked up at me with those eyes once more. The completely and totally exhausted looking eyes that no amount of physical rest could heal. A look I had seen in myself, long ago. My eyes locked onto hers and I felt magic start to flow through me. More magic that I had ever felt, and much stronger than ever before. I felt a very foreign sensation that I could not hope to describe with words. It felt as if a part of me was being torn away. It wasn’t painful, and I couldn’t pinpoint what part of me was being taken, but the feeling persisted.
I closed my eyes, or I thought I did, but really my whole world had gone black. It felt like I was moving very fast, but I couldn’t feel a breeze or any physical indication I was moving. I tried to open my eyes but I couldn’t. I moved my hoof up to my face to do it manually, but I couldn’t feel my face or my hoof. I couldn’t feel anything physical. There was a blaring roaring that completely overpowered all other sounds, but it didn’t hurt my ears at all.
“What is happening?” The first thought came to me. “I have no idea... What could possibly be causing this?” But I was completely devoid of any answers. The feeling of movement suddenly came to a stop but I didn’t feel and jerk or signal I had stopped, only the lack of the feeling from before.
Not knowing what to do, any not being able to think of any ideas, I awkwardly waited for something to happen. After what seemed like a few minutes later, I was met with the fourth surprise of the day. My vision began to refocus, but I wasn’t really seeing what was coming into view. It was almost as if I was reliving a scene from a movie inside my head. I couldn’t physically see it, but I knew what it looked like and I was envisioning it. As it came into focus, what I saw was shocking at the very least. I saw myself, but at a younger age. The whole scene came into focus and I instantly remembered the night. My mother was serving dinner to me, Sheen, and my father. He had come home early from work that night because he said we needed to discuss my acceptance into the academy.
“So Clear,” he began “if you want to go to the academy things will be changing.”
“Like what?” I asked.
“Well, first off you will be going to school six days a week instead of five.”
I looked over at Sheen and said with a smile on my face “I don’t think that’s such a bad thing. I get to see my friends more.”
“Yeah,” she replied “but I’m not gonna come to school an extra day just so you can see me.”
“No, you won’t be able to see your friends more Clear. You will be going to a different school across town. It will start an hour earlier than public school, and you won’t be done till 6 pm.”
“So I won’t be able to see my friends that much?” A worried look crossed my face as I said this and I turned to look at Sheen, who was passively picking at her dinner. But from my viewpoint now I could tell she was really worrying like I had been. She was just hungry and needed to eat...
“No you won’t. You will be able to on Sunday though.” He offered up.
My mind swam with thoughts. Even though I was just watching the scene, it seemed I had the same emotions and experienced the same feelings as my past self. I was absolutely thrilled that I had won the contest and I was eager to go to the big, exciting academy. But at the cost of only seeing Sheen one day a week? She was my best friend. My closest friend.
“I’m not sure dad. I really want to go the academy, but-”
Me and Sheen had been and still were inseparable, or so I thought until I heard her speak up.
“It’s okay Clear.” She interrupted. “You can go to the academy, and we will still be friends. I don’t want to hold you back.”
I saw my past self visibly cringe at hearing this. I then remembered why I didn’t visit this memory often. It should have been a happy one, but that one comment, that one moment had changed so much.
She didn’t want to hold me back. My past self slowly got up from the table and began to walk away, his dinner untouched. I had just made a huge decision. One that would affect the rest of my life. I had made it so fast, and so carelessly without putting more than a moment's thought into it. But worst of all, I had made it without considering how it would affect others. How much would it hurt Sheen when I did this? How much would it affect my mother? How much money would it cost my father?
“So what will it be, son?”
“Yeah sure. I’ll go to the academy.” I said dryly. The academy had all of a sudden not seemed like such an amazing place. But at the time anything had seemed better than staying there.. with her. My best friend, who I valued so highly. I cared for her so much. We were always together. We had shared, and done everything together. She was my other half. At least I thought so. apparently all she cared about was ‘not holding me back’. I walked away.
Unlike my past self, I looked over at Sheen. Her face was emotionless. I tried to understand what was going through her mind, but for some reason I couldn’t reach any good conclusions. I just couldn’t solve this problem. Finally, I settled on a thought that popped into my mind. I could see her mind was going through way too much for her to even notice her surrounding world. She looked as though she must have been dying on the inside, so she couldn’t show it externally... I had not seen this side of Sheen before. I had thought that she was fine with me leaving. She had other friends at school, so losing one wasn’t a big deal. But this side of her was new. She quickly finished her dinner and got up, exiting the door and trotting back to her house. My vision again faded to black. It returned to me and I was viewing my past self.
I was in my room, the light was off, and I was curled up in bed. I wasn’t asleep though, I couldn’t sleep after what had just happened. My best friend in the whole world had just told me she didn’t care if I left or not. My past self though, failed to realise that Sheen was equally, if not more, sad about what had happened. Only now that I was able to see her did I understand. I remember it took me hours to finally fall asleep that night, and it had only come in short, fitful sessions.
It felt instantaneous. I was back in my body, and I was laying down. I felt as though I was.. bigger. No, not bigger, the part of me that had been ripped away before was now back. My eyes slowly opened and I looked around at my surroundings. I was back in the forest, and it was still nighttime. I felt weak, very weak. Not just physically either. The things I had just seen were weighing heavily on my mind.
Through my own foolishness I had made a huge decision in a matter of seconds, and it had hurt me deeply. But this wasn’t what bothered me about it. I had hurt Sheen. She cared for me the same way I had cared for her.. maybe even more so, and I had done that to her. It was all my fault.. I shouldn’t have been so quick to decide. Sheen had wanted to be my friend still.. and I had thrown her out like I thought she had me. With my emotions as raw and fresh as they were, this thought made me gasp painfully. It felt like somepony had punched me in the stomach, hard. “You don’t deserve any better.” I told myself. A thought like that surprised me, but I knew it was correct.
I couldn’t breath for a few moments, and, when I finally could, my breaths came in short, shallow gasps. I could feel tears streaming down my cheeks as I rolled over onto my side and shut my eyes tightly. I lay there for several minutes as sadness ravaged my mind, leaving deep scars of guilt all across me. I was to blame for this. I had not followed my own rule and had hurt somepony so close to me so deeply. I couldn’t make it better and there were no excuses. Then, my mind finally seeing something besides my past monstrosity, I realised what had just happened.
The memory came back slowly, and in segments. I had been sitting in the glade with Trixie. I had been talking about... my foalhood in Hoofington. Then we had discussed my journal. Then.. Trixie had talked about how she had grown up teaching herself magic.. In a foster home.. Then I had had the sudden urge to.. touch her. No, not just touch her.. To form some sort of physical bridge with her. I had felt a magic unlike any I’d felt before.. It had felt good to use it. Not pleasurable, but like it had all been building up and the tension was finally released. But now the tension was replaced by something even worse: the realization that I had hurt Sheen.
A quiet rustling behind me brought my attention back to the world around me. I rubbed my hooves across my face, getting rid of the tears, before slowly getting up to a sitting position. My vision swam for a moment before it cleared slowly. I saw Trixie sitting up next to me, appearing as off balance as I was. Had she been through the same thing I had?
“Oh no.” I thought to myself. “Then that means she saw my memory... and she..” But my train of thought was cut off as I felt the show mare throw her forelegs around my neck and embrace me tightly. I was completely caught off guard, and stayed still for a few moments, before returning the gesture. I wrapped my forelegs slowly around her loosely. I heard a quiet sniffling coming from her, and I simply closed my eyes and slightly tightened my hold. I didn’t know why she was hugging me, I didn’t know why I was hugging her back without a thought about it, but I was and I didn’t want it to end.
“All the other fillies?” I had asked.
It had been such a pleasant memory. She had actually been able to not completely dwell on the sadness and depression of it all. But now she was reminded of everything.
It wasn’t the thought of her parents that had gotten to her. It was the mention of all the other fillies. They had viewed Trixie as a sort of role model, with her constantly striving, working, and making headway towards her dreams. All the other Fillies: the ones Trixie had worked so hard to impress, and who had grown to love her before, to achieve her dreams, she had to abandon them all.
As I put my hooves onto her temples, Trixie felt a foreign jolt of magic. It different than any she had felt before. She had been unsure what to do, and was about to push me away when she felt another very foreign feeling which had taken precedence in her mind. It felt as though something else was... with her. As if there was something added to her being.. She couldn’t place the feeling, but was unable to think about it any more as her vision abruptly cut to black.
She had the feeling as if she was.. moving. She felt as though she took up much more room than before. Trixie’s thoughts swam and she started to panic as she realised she couldn’t physically feel her body at all. She tried to use her magic to make light, but she still couldn’t see anything. Slightly calmed down because she could still feel her magic, she decided that she could do nothing besides wait for what was next to come.
After what seemed like almost an hour, a small part of her vision returned. It started as a dot, and had expanded outwards as the scene in her mind cleared to the large, rectangular dinner table.
“On behalf of Celestia’s Academy for Gifted Unicorns,” the stuffy looking old teacher began “I would like to offer you, Trixie, admission to our campus of magical arts.”
“Oh isn’t this wonderful!” Wonder, the owner of the house and her guardian, had said.
“Oh my gosh! Trixie I’m so happy for you!” One of Trixie’s fellow fillies had called out. At hearing this, they all broke into cheers and whoops of excitement. Trixie, however, remained quiet. This was all she had ever wanted: a chance at a real life, to show who she was and what she was worth. And here it all was, sitting directly in front of her. All she had to do was say yes.
But she couldn’t.. She couldn’t decide what she wanted. On one hand, she had worked so hard for this and wanted desperately to go to the academy, but what would she leave behind? A bunch of orphans now without a role model? How would they all react? Would they all be able to keep trying as hard and accomplish their dreams is she left?
“So what will it be, Trixie?” Wonder asked.
Trixie stared down at her food, not wanting to look at the fillies to her right or the teacher to her left.
“I.. I’m not sure.” She said after several tense moments of silence.
“I understand this can seem like quite a daunting step, Mrs.Trixie.” said the teacher. “Take all the time you need to decide, and write me when you have chosen.”
“Ok, thank you.” Trixie said as the teacher turned to leave. Only now did Trixie turn her head right and look at all the other fillies who were there with her. Her breathing grew slow and shallow as she quickly moved away from the table and made for the door.
“Where are you going?” Asked a voice Trixie recognised all to well. It was that of the youngest, and biggest fan of Trixie.
Redheart’s words cut into Trixie physically and emotionally. She cringed and stopped walking, her heart seeming heavier than ever before. Slowly turning back to face the other fillies she said “I need to think about this..”
Her vision faded to black again as Trixie’s mind was torn from the powerful memory. This time though, her vision returned in a matter of seconds. She was seated on her bed, in her room. Redheart was seated next to her leaning up against her side.
“I’m so excited for you Trixie. This is what you always wanted.” Trixie looked down at the young filly for a moment, but couldn’t stand the sight of her and was forced to look away. The young Redheart’s eyes were practically streaming tears, but there was a smile on her face.
“I don’t know if I can go..” Trixie slowly said after a long pause. “I can’t just abandon you girls here.. you girls are who made me who I am.. you are the ones who I’ve grown up with.. I’ve never cared for anypony as much as I do you.”
“And we care for you just as much Trixie.” The young filly stated. “You’ve been like a big sister to me.. to all of us. You’ve shown us we have hope. Now go to that academy and do what you are destined to do. We all care for you, enough to let you go. We don’t want to hold you back.”
The line cut deeply into Trixie. The girls were the most important people in her life, but this was her life’s dream coming to fruition. They wanted her to go... She had to go... She was going to go to the academy. Trixie turned and looked at Redheart for a long moment before hugging the filly as tightly as she could, then slowly getting to her feet and leaving the room. On her way out she heard one small sniffle from Redheart, but it was all she needed to hear. She was abandoning the girls.. she was abandoning the ponies who had become her family, so she could selfishly pursue her own dreams. Why did she have to see this again? Why did she have to relive through the same scene and experience the same guilt AGAIN?
“You’ve done nothing wrong here” a thought rang out inside her. She hadn’t thought it herself, almost as if someone else had said it, but it had come from her own mind.
“Yes I have.” she countered. “Listen to her cry.. And I bet Redheart isn’t the only one who I have hurt.”
“You haven't hurt anypony. You didn’t go into this decision blindly and hastily. You considered all your options, and even put others before yourself in your decision. Redheart isn’t sad because you’re abandoning her. She doesn’t feel like she lost you as a role model or a big sister. She isn’t angry or blaming of you. She is simply sad because she cared so much for you and you have to leave. But think of what this filly would have been had you not shown her that there is hope, and finally proved it. What would she have been had you not been there to motivate and care for her? How would any of the ponies in the whole house have been? They’d have all been worse off without you.”
“But I could have stayed and helped more.”
“The birds must leave the nest eventually, Trixie. If you had not left, it would have not only crushed the girls because you had given up your dream for them. It also would have gotten rid of the pride, hope, and determination you gave them all. You have done all these girls an ultimate good Trixie, and you should be very proud of yourself for it.”
“I’ve... never thought of it this way before..” She thought as the guilt from this memory slowly started melting away, being replaced by a feeling of happiness and acceptance. “Why have I never realised this before? In all the times I’ve relived this memory. What is so different this time?”
Slowly her vision faded to black once more. But she wasn’t scared or frantic. She felt better than she had in a long time. The feeling of unknown movement seemed almost comforting as Trixie was simply content with herself. She didn’t try to look around, and would have closed her eyes if she could have seen. She didn’t struggle, or worry. She was simply happy, and held tightly to the feeling. She didn’t think of her current worries about being jobless and homeless. Trixie was truly happy, for the first time in longer than she’d like to admit.
After a few minutes of silence she finally pulled back and looked at me through teary eyes.
“I have no idea what you did, or what type of magic that was, but thank you Clear.”
“You’re.. you’re welcome Trixie..” I answered, surprised but still unable to shake the memory of Sheen from my mind.
“I can’t explain it but.. It felt almost like I could think and see much more clearly than ever before.”
“Really? for me it felt almost as if... I could hardly think at all..I’m absolutely exhausted.” I said. “We should get back to the hotel room.”
Trixie opened her mouth to answer, but was cut off by her own yawn and simply nodded.
We walked in silence, both our minds rapidly reviewing and analyzing the experience we had just gone through. After what seemed like only a moment, we were back at my apartment and I walked in followed by Trixie. She flopped down onto the bed while I stopped to get a drink of water. Remembering my promise to her earlier, I sighed and laid down on the makeshift floor pad I had constructed the previous night. My annoyance over losing another night of sleeping in a bed was dwarfed by my exhaustion though, and I quickly lost the battle to stay awake. Fading off to sleep, one last thought entered my mind.
I wonder where Sheen is. I wonder how bad I really hurt her.. Though my body submitted to rest, my mind did not as I immediately fell into a dream.
I was back in Canterlot. The sun was starting to go down and I was sitting in my apartment, once again struggling to write even a simple article. My mind kept floating away, or I’d question my wording or think my point came across too strongly or weakly. I couldn’t write more than a sentence without erasing it at least twice. But worst of all, my stomach wouldn’t stop hurting or growling.
After the first night I’d spoken with the mare I had finally written an article that was approved, it made the front page even. But since then I had had no more success, and my money had finally completely dried up. It had been almost three days since I had eaten, and I was sure it was starting to show. My ribs were becoming visible, but I refused to give up. I was finally here, doing what I wanted to do. The words seemed to ring through my head. “I am here.”
Maybe that was the problem. In my old home of Hoofington I had always been free to go on walks around town, into the forest, or occasionally to another city. Here, in Canterlot, I could go on walks but my places to go were very limited. There was no where in the city left that was new. Everything was becoming very sickeningly predictable. I did still have the night sky, but the only place I could see it in its entirety was in the Canterlot royal garden. A place I had returned to night after night, often joined by the mysterious mare. Our conversations were usually very simple, though, nothing like the first night’s insightful conversation.
The failed attempt to write dragged on, as did the hours. Most of Canterlot was now asleep, and I decided that I would return to the royal garden tonight. On my way out I saw my untouched journal, and decided to grab it incase anything came to mind while I was out.
Before long I arrived at the garden, and on my way to my usual spot I spied a small pond. An idea hit me, and maybe it was just the hunger that was driving me crazy, but I decided on it. I set my journal and pencil down by the side of the water and slowly eased into its icy embrace. Once I was fully submerged besides my head, I swam out towards the middle of the pond. The chill of the water didn’t bother me at all as I reached the center and slowly submerged myself completely underwater.
My eyes closed as I stopped moving and allowed the still water to completely hold me. I forced my mind to be blank, devoid of thoughts completely. The stresses of the day melting away to my meditative state. The chill of the water seemed to fade, and I didn’t feel anything.
The silence, the incredibly sweet silence of mind and body euphorically washed over me. I let it take complete control as I surrendered to its blissful apathy. Nothing mattered. There was no need for food, no stress of the looming rent bill, no pain of my own failure to write. There was nothing, besides nothing’s own sweet embrace. My problems were not solved, my stomach was not full, my rent was not paid. But I silenced it all. No muscles moved, no thoughts went through me, absolutely nothing happened.
I slowly rose back up to the surface of the water, my head breaching the water. I inhaled deeply, and even though I hadn’t felt the need to breathe before, the air tasted wonderful. I took several more slow breaths before finally opening my eyes, only to have my perfectly simple mood destroyed. I saw a mare sitting on the side of the pond, and not just any mare.
I saw Luna, The Princess of the Moon.
“Princess Luna..” I said, realising she had caught me trespassing in her garden and even swimming in her pond. “I-”
She cut me off and said “Call me Luna. It’s not like we haven't met before, or been so formal at our past meetings.” My eyes went wide in shock and realization upon hearing her voice. She sounded exactly like the Mysterious Mare, and what she said only backed my suspicion up. I was quiet for several long moments that dragged into more than a minute as I simply stared at her, my mind racing and trying to think of what to do. Before I could come to a conclusion though, she spoke up again. “Come, we have much to talk about.”
My mind unable to think of any words, I swam over to her as fast as I could without splashing too much. As I came to the edge of the water and walked onto the bank the smell of food caught my attention.
“If you think I haven’t noticed your loss in weight, you were wrong.” At this she pulled a small basket full of bread, grapes, and apple slices out from behind her. “I brought this for you, Clear.”
“Well I don’t want to be rude..” I said, suddenly in a very good mood at the mention of a meal.
I sat down beside her and proceeded to immediately set to work on decimating the bread.
A small smile grew on her face and she was quiet for a moment before she spoke up again.
“Why did you take a job at The Equestria Daily and move here?”
I thought for a moment, and swallowed the food before answering “I thought this was what I wanted. But obviously writing for the paper isn’t what I was meant to do.”
“No, I mean why did you decide to leave Hoofington?”
I opened my mouth to answer, but shut it. I honestly had no reason, other than that I was offered a job that I thought I would like. “Because I didn’t make a good decision.” I somberly answered after a moment of thought. My head drooped down as it all dawned on me. I had made the wrong decision coming to Canterlot for the job. “I just.. I didn’t think it through completely.. I was just so excited by the whole idea of it.”
“Exactly.” she replied simply, before continuing. “But I can’t blame you. Making a truly correct choice is very difficult.”
“I don’t understand what you mean.”
“Well, when somepony needs to make a decision-”
“Wait a second.” I cut her off as I grabbed my journal and turned to the first page, readying my pen. “Ok, go ahead.”
We had talked for almost an hour, and not simple conversation as before. We talked like we had the first night I had met her. Sharing ideas, philosophies, and thoughts in general.
“So,” Luna said, “through all this I have come to the conclusion that the mind consists mainly of memories, and somepony’s thought process or way they think.”
I stared up at the stars for several long minutes, running the prospect through my head. “I agree, but I think your conclusion is missing one crucial element.”
“Which is?”
“While the mind does certainly contain somepony’s memories and thought process, I think it contains something else too.”
“Which is?” she repeated, more forwardly than last time.
“I’m trying to think of the word for it.. A pony’s personality? No that’s not it.. it’s like..”
“A pony’s... conscience.” She finished my thought for me, and I nodded to her.
“It’s just, while a pony does have memories and thought process, those two alone would make us like robots. Give us a problem, we solve it, mind shuts down. But that’s not how we work.. or at least not how I work. I can’t think of any other way to describe it other than, if you have a machine that would write down every single thought that crossed my mind it would constantly be writing. It wouldn’t just solve a problem then go blank, in between problems and demanding topics there would be other thoughts. Whether they are random, such as what I want for lunch or what I think of somepony or serious like these ones, my mental monologue would never stop. And I believe that’s due to the conscience.”
She was quiet for many minutes before slowly nodding her head and answering quietly “I think.. you’re right. But another thought has come to me. These three main components of the mind work together harmoniously to keep us all safe and happy. But what would happen if we were to lose one? If somepony was to lose their memories their whole life would go into a tailspin. They would forget their special talent, all the information regarding it, and most likely become quite depressed. If somepony was to lose their thought process they wouldn’t be able to solve problems or come up with any sort of correct judgement at all. While they would still think they wouldn’t be able to do much anything productive. Plus, they would misjudge and misinterpret the actions of those around them.”
“If somepony was to lose their conscience they would become, as you mentioned earlier, a robot. Only there to solve problems. Imagine how depressing it would be to feel sad, mad, or frustrated and have no idea why or what this bad feeling was.. I feel that if one of these components was to stop working for any reason the repercussions would drag the other two down with it.”
I was, once again, quiet for a long moment, awestruck by the insightfulness of the lunar goddess. I had never met someone else who could actually think about subjects like this, much less advance what I had thought of. I had never met anyone like the Luna before, and I doubted I ever would again.
In our conversation that night, I learned much more than just what was passed between our lips. I learned that I wasn’t the only pony who actually thought. She thought about more than the physical world, more than just what was in front of her. When some rule or norm came to her she didn’t just accept it and see where it could go. She questioned why it had come about, where and why it had originated. We actually thought, which I was nearly convinced had completely died out in the ponies of Equestria.
In my mind we had built a connection that night; a connection deeper than just being friends, a connection that would last a lifetime- well, at least for my lifetime. She was someone I knew I could talk to about the thoughts brewing about in my mind, and I knew she wouldn’t assume I was crazy. She could reflect on these thoughts and discuss them back, and share her own with me. She actually thought.This newfound connection was bittersweet though, because what we had said tonight had finally unstuck the gears in my mind.
“I think.. I think I have to leave Canterlot.” I said. Unlike my last two decisions to move though, this wasn’t an informed, unthought out choice. I had considered this decision, weighed it all out, and I had come to my conclusion.
She didn’t respond. She was quiet for more than a minute, and I turned to see a disappointed look on her face. I turned away quickly, as my head swam full of new thoughts. Was this a bad choice? Would Luna be hurt if I left?
“I’ve been thinking the same thing.” She said, interrupting my thoughts.
“You have?”
“As much as I enjoy our talks, I can see you have been hurting here. You have only had one article approved, and you appear to be running out of more than just success.” She said, pointing at my ribs. “And what you did, earlier tonight in the pond. You were underwater for more than three minutes, yet you never once showed any sign of needing breath, or caring about how cold it was. You are under more stress and your mind has seemed more clouded than ever before.”
I looked down at the ground, and I knew she was right. I had to leave Canterlot. But where would I go? I couldn’t go back home..
“I would like to offer you a deal.” Luna said, looking at me. “You can go anywhere in Equestria you want. I will fund your travellings so long as you are not frivolous with the money.”
“Luna, I couldn’t possibly-”
“I’m not done yet. This will not be completely free, you must earn the money.”
“But.. How?”
“That journal. You will continue to think, imagine, and conclude. You are to write what you discover to me.”
“But, how is that equal compensation for giving me money to travel and explore all of Equestria?!” I asked incredulously.
“Clear, the life of a Princess is not an exciting or fun one. After two thousand years there is not much left to do. I have fully adapted to life in these new times, learnt the new language and ways, and read all the new books in the Canterlot library. My point is, these talks we have... They give me something to think of, some way to spend my time; and of course your thoughts themselves are,” she paused and looked up at me, “interesting, to say the least.”
“So you are hiring me to be your own personal traveling entertainer?”
“I guess you could say that. So what will it be? My little pony.” She said, a small smile creeping onto her face.
I had come to Canterlot because I thought my dreams rested in this city’s walls. After all I’d been through and experienced, I had realised that my dreams rested pretty much everywhere in Equestria besides that city. Had I not gone through this I would have never figured it out, or had this legendary opportunity presented to me. This was one incredibly important choice to make, but it was also one I didn’t have to put more than a seconds thought into.
