My(stara's) Little Ponies: Friendship is Adventuring

by JohnBiles

Rating: teen
Tags: Crossover, Alternate Universe, Main 6, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Soarin, Spike, Comedy, Romance, Adventure, Spitfire
Length: 376382

The Mane Six. Typical D&D Adventurer Hijinx. As told by an adventurer rescued by them.

Only fools, madmen, and adventuring parties go into the Malpheggi, the swamp beyond the Everfree Forest. It can be left as an exercise for the reader as to which of these categories Samus Marcus (a Thyatian swordsman, or so he says) and Ivan (his companion in trouble) fall into. When they are rescued by the registered adventuring party, the Elements of Harmony, a grand quest across the D&D world of Mystara begins. Together they face culture shock, international politics, romance, dungeons, and a dragon with a grudge as Marcus learns how to trust his new friends and make up for his past mistakes while the Elements of Harmony try to save Equestria from a threat which proves more... complicated... than they originally thought. Also, pie. And hats. A D&D (Mystara)/MLP Crossover.

Published 2011-11-16 19:20:29 UTC
Last updated 2021-04-25 23:21:58 UTC

Book Two: Dragons of Swamp Glooming

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Book Three (White Plume Mountain): Part 1: I Have a Mouth But Never Speak

Book Three (White Plume Mountain): Part 1: I Have a Mouth But Never Speak

My(stara's) Little Ponies: Friendship is Adventuring
A D&D (Mystara) / My Little Ponies: Friendship is Magic crossover

Book 3: White Plume Mountain
Part 1: I Have a Mouth But Never Speak

By John Biles

***************

Have you ever wondered if Rainbow Dash could break a tree with her head?

The answer is yes. I can't actually prove it was her head, but that's where she had the bruise.

We found her knocked out next to a tree snapped in half. Soarin' was floating on top of quicksand on his back. Spitfire lay in a pile of broken rocks, mumbling about bad breath.

Ivan and I helped Fluttershy get them onto secure, dry land, then we helped her treat their injuries, with Spike also helping. Twilight began paging through several books frantically. Dash had something in her mouth... some of her own hair?

"Got her," Dash moaned. "Stupid fake me."

"You did well, you should rest."

"Give Twilight... hair..." she moaned.

G... OH. "It's from fake Dash?"

"Stupid Rainbow Crash," Dash said, then laughed weakly, making noises I didn't like. "Yes, give... Twi..."

"I will," I said, bringing it to her and explaining.

"Ahah! Perfect! Thank you, Rainbow Dash!" Twilight said.

"Tell Soarin', he can have my memorabilia," Rainbow Dash mumbled.

"You are not going to die," Fluttershy said firmly. "It just may feel like it."

Soarin' mumbled about how tall the cloud was.

"With this, I can make a tracking spell," Twilight said, triumphantly.

"Fluttershy, can you get them good to travel?" I asked.

"They're going to need rest," she said. "If we wait until tomorrow..."

"That ain't gonna work," Applejack said. "They're bookin' it. We've got to go NOW, storm or not."

The storm had actually moved north; I suspect they're using it as a shield, centered on themselves. It was only drizzling here now.

"Twilight, enlarge me. I can carry Rainbow Dash," I said. "We can make a travois and Applejack and Pinkie should be able to pull the Wonderbolts."

"'m good, I can fly," Dash said, flapping her wings weakly.

"Make a what?" Applejack said. "That sounds like that hoity-toity stuff they have in Prance."

Prance is the most pretentious of the provinces of Equestria, though Big Apple Province tries hard. Mareis is the capital of the Province of Prance; among other things, it's the center for fashion or even just ordinary clothing. Their wine is also excellent.

"Hoity-Toity is a very important designer!," Rarity said defensively. "And a travois is a kind of sledge for hauling things. I will make us one. Marcus, I need you to assist me. Spike, you too."

"Okay," I said. "You can enlarge me once we finish," I told Twilight. "I will carry Dash."

"I'm fine," Dash said stubbornly, but moved only weakly.

"You carried me," I told her. "Now I am going to carry you and that is that. Let me help you."

"Okay, fine, if you insist," Dash said, then went to sleep.

Ivan and Pinkie helped Fluttershy, while Twilight consulted her books and Spike and I helped Rarity make a travois. She looked VERY proud when she used the ritual which Dona Carlotta told her to summon some canvas to make it with. Being Rarity, of course, it got a nice soft down lining with silk topping it on the side they'd lay on.

"Spike," I told him. "Good job, man. You saved our bacon."

"Bacon...," he said, drooling for a moment. Then he gave me an odd look. "Uh, thanks." We were each basically holding the layers in place so that Rarity could stitch them telekinetically, since she didn't have her sewing machine and we had to hold it all up out of the muck. Though here, the land was dryer, thankfully.

Twilight borrowed one of Rarity's gems and somehow put the hairs inside it and enchanted it, then tried to wear it on a thread; Rarity forced her to make a proper necklace that would look nicer.

Soon, we were ready to roll. Twilight enlarged me and I hefted Rainbow Dash over one shoulder. "You sleep and get better," I told her.

"'m fine," she mumbled.

Fluttershy sung a lullaby that put her to sleep and nearly put me to sleep too.

"We could probably put her on the travois," Applejack said. "Pinkie and I could probably haul most of the group if it was big enough."

"I'm fine," I said. "I owe her a ride." Favor currying for the win and it makes me look better. Soon, she was asleep and mumbling about winning some race into my chest, which amused me.

Fortunately for us, our foes kept up their storm or at least, the storm, our foes, and us were all headed in the same direction. This took us for a while across thankfully dry land, but then everything sloped down and we had to slog through muck with a travois. The storm moved out of sight but we kept on following 'Rainbow Crash' and her friends, hoping they hadn't split up.

Unfortunately, the river we now came to was broad and about ten feet deep. Pushed up to nearly twelve feet high by Twilight's magic, I had to carry each of the sleeping ponies across while everyone else swam. Then we set our travois up again and made our way across the filthy mire.

We kept going relentlessly, stopping briefly for lunch and dinner, pushing on until exhaustion was too much. We found a higher spot and fell down on it. Probably something should have eaten us for not posting watches, though Twilight did put up wards.

We were filthy and still tired in the morning but we couldn't stop, much as Rarity and I clearly both were unhappy with being covered with filth. No one else looked too happy with it, but we pushed on. Fortunately, our three Pegasi were now recovered and took to the air to scout.

My shoulders ached from carrying a Pegasus all day. Ponies are MUCH heavier than you'd think. Rainbow Dash weighs more than me for all that I'm much taller.

I sat down kind of hard at lunch time and just flopped down. Never carrying a Pony again EVER.

"C'mon, Marcus, it's just walking," Applejack said, a little chidingly.

"My shoulders ache," I said.

"Lie down on your stomach," Fluttershy said.

I did so; I was already so filthy, I couldn't get more filthy. Applejack, Pinkie and Ivan began making lunch.

I felt very gentle pressure on my shoulders. I also could see Rainbow Dash lurking nearby. "Fluttershy, you can't massage him if you just gently tap his shoulders."

"But if I put my full weight on it, it'll hurt," Fluttershy said softly.

"Let me do this," Rainbow Dash said.

She took a deep breath... and then began battering my back and I began howling fit to wake the dead. Fluttershy said, "I don't think that's how it works," and looked horrified.

"It felt like that," Dash said hesitantly and kept pounding. I don't think you even can massage someone's butt. And it wasn't the problem here.

"Stop," Spitfire said to Rainbow Dash. "I'll do this."

"But..." Dash protested.

"I know what I'm doing. Assuming he isn't dead," Spitfire said.

"I just wanted to help," Dash mumbled. Fluttershy led her away and I laid there moaning as Spitfire worked on me.

"It doesn't hurt that much," Spitfire told me chidingly.

Kiss my ass.

"Easy for you to say," I mumbled.

Dash winced and Fluttershy continued to talk to her softly.

Rarity settled down next to me and began carefully cleaning my face as Spitfire worked on me and I made noises. "Thank you," I mumbled. "I'll do you when Spitfire is done."

"You're welcome, Marcus," she said warmly and I started to feel a little more human. "We have a wonderful spa in Ponyville," she continued, the cloth working my face with her power behind it. "I will take you and Fluttershy there when we get back."

"I might go with you if I have time," Spitfire said. "I love a good massage."

She was, in fact, good at it; my pain was gradually fading and now I felt a blessed lassitude.

I gradually sank into slumber.

****************

I felt much more alive when I woke up at dinner time; we were at the very verge of the swamp and the land was rising into drier hills. Off a little to the northwest of us rose the fearsome sight of White Plume Mountain.

FUCK. "We have to go there, right?" I said weakly.

"That about sums it up," Twilight said.

White Plume Mountain is about three-fifths of a mile across and eight hundred or so feet tall; a geyser shoots out of the top creating a stream that flows down the south face and then down into the swamp, yellow with sulfur and other effluvia. The slopes are home to scrub brush and strange fungi, and at places, there are cracks through which steam continually vents. There's a huge crevice on the south slope. I could see someone had erected a sign over it, but it was too far away to read.

"It says 'Evil Lair of Evil Pinkamena, Inquire Within. No Halflings with Hats Allowed,' on the sign," Dash told me.

"I am NOT a halfling," I said. Unless you count the time I drank that stupid shrinking potion.

"You, uh, feeling better?" Dash said.

"Yes," I told her. "Thanks for helping me."

"It didn't go so well," Dash said to a nearby bush.

"Yes, but it's the thought that counts," I told her. "I wouldn't even start to know where or how to massage a pony beyond the shoulders." I had to help Twilight out a few times back in the day. It seemed to help. "You're a good friend."

That made her smile. SCORE.

Which reminds me, gotta work on Applejack some on this trip too. Some ponies are easier to curry favor with than others.

Dinner was served. Fish again, but fish is good. They had stew and we had stew with fish added. Oh yes, this was tasty.

"This is pretty obviously a trap," I said. "We should circle the volcano, make sure they are actually inside."

"I'll take Twilight," Dash said. "Once my stomach settles."

"Hmm, if this one is named Pinkamena instead of Pinkie," I began.

"My full name is Pinkamena Diane Pie," Pinkie said, pausing from slurping stew. Watching Ponies eat is a weird thing. Rarity and Twilight eat with a spoon but the rest just slurp it out of the bowl. Of course, with no hands, what else are they going to do? They could use a spoon with their hooves, but it's a lot easier to do it this way. It's one of those reminders they are Ponies, though.

"We can probably assume they've activated the old traps and things, but haven't had much time to install new ones," I said. "Unless their boss has been setting this up a long time, but then..." I scratched my head. "I don't know. I've never visited the place but from the stories I've heard, it's pretty dangerous."

"Didn't someone kill Keraptis a few years ago?" Twilight said, frowning and trying to remember. "The Company of the Silver Spear?"

"They're Ponies, right?" I said. I'd heard of them vaguely. "I think Keraptis has been reported dead at least eight times."

"Yes," Twilight said. "Largely retired now."

"Or dead," Spitfire said flatly. "We're going to have to do better this time or we'll join them." She looked at Pinkie. "No going off to play tag with Iron Golems."

"Sorry!," Pinkie said, clearly not at all sorry.

"She's right," I said. "Keraptis is your classic insane wizard who does things like build giant clocks that turn people into cheese."

"Why cheese?" Applejack asked, frowning.

"Too much staring into other dimensions and trying to replace every inch of his body with shadow-stuff. Why shadow-stuff? Because no one's done it yet," I said. "Really powerful wizards tend to either become immortals, become insane dungeon lords, or turn into something freaky. Or a combination of two or more of the above."

Twilight licked her lips nervously. "Any idea what's in it?"

"Weapons," Ivan said. "Keraptis liked stealing weapons, then watching people who tried to recover them die in his traps."

"The dragon's...we did get an actual LIST... no, we didn't," I said, facepalming. "Spike, can you mail Vermicoritax and ask him for a list of stolen items?"

We got the list before bedtime. He had listed EVERY coin separately with a TWO LINE DESCRIPTION. Things like 'Darokinian Double Crown, minted 983 AC, three scratches on the rim, rare error means both faces are the same, showing the Chancellor'. Or 'Bronze coin, unknown origin, over 1500 years old, shows pyramid on one side, man with two staves and ugly hat on the other face'.

"Wow, it's a Nithian coin," Twilight said excitedly.

"What's that?" Applejack said.

"They were an ancient civilization destroyed by the Immortals for some unknown reason, about fifteen hundred years ago," Twilight said excitedly.

"Blackmoor?" Spike asked.

"Blackmoor blew itself up," Twilight said. "I wish he'd included the inscription. I could probably... no wait, my book's back home." She sighed. "This was before the forging of iron became commonplace."

"So this coin could blow the mountain up?" Spike asked.

I certainly hope not.

"The Immortals destroyed them because they were entire deficient in fun," Pinkie said. "They were just trying to drop a giant pie on them for a nation-wide 'pie to the face' gag, but it got out of hand."

Sadly, it is not clear if Pinkie is right or wrong.

I *hope* she is wrong, though.

"Maybe we could use the Polymorph potion to psych them out by turning into doubles of them," Rainbow Dash mused.

"How would anyone tell?" Applejack said. "They're doubles of US."

"Maybe we're their GOOD twins," Pinkie mused. "And we've just imagined our pasts and none of us existed until we encountered Marcus and Ivan in the swamp."

"I really doubt it, sugarcube," Applejack said. "Why would someone go to these lengths?"

"Just guessing," Pinkie said.

We continued to speculate into the night as the moon came out and the stars. It was a half moon, fading towards the new moon, but the stars shine very brightly here.

Rarity and I went to the river and engaged in futile acts of cleaning. It felt good to be even a little cleaner. Fluttershy joined us and we both helped clean her up. "I will be so happy when this is done," Rarity said, sitting in the sphinx position as fish danced to a tune sung by Fluttershy.

"Me too," I said, brushing her coat. This takes FOREVER. An advantage to not having body hair all over... well, not so much you have to brush it. I'm not as hairy as I was when I was 'Erik' but I have a fair amount.

"And I," Fluttershy said softly. "But it's nice to be with friends."

"It is," I said, looking up at the stars. I pointed to one combination of stars. "There's the Sail," I said. "It's the symbol of adventurers like us, because it's connected to Sinbad." Who is the Immortal of sailors and adventurers.

"In Karameikos, it's known as the Northern Triad," Twilight said, and we all started. She was lurking behind us, looking up at the stars. "Representing Halav, Petra, and Zirchev." The three patron Immortals of Karameikos. When hordes of gnolls invaded two thousand years ago, they stopped the invasion and eventually went on to become immortals. Halav was a mighty warrior, Petra was a wise priestess, and Zirchev was a cunning hunter and wizard, friend to the fae folk of the forest. "The Ethengars see it as the Sacred Yurt, symbol of Cretia the Trickster, Tubak the Lawgiver, and Yamurga the Tentkeeper. The Northmen see it as the Shield, which represents Frey, Freya, and Thor."

"Not Odin?" I asked, surprised.

"Odin is a remote figure to be placated more than loved," Twilight said. "In the Northlands. Or so my books say. I've never been there, but Erik would talk about it, so I read up on it."

Twitch. Of course you did.

"It also can symbolize Vestland, Ostland, and the Soderfjord Jarldoms," Twilight said. "Or sometimes it stands for Freya, Sif, and Frigga."

"My goodness, it must be very busy," Rarity said. I think this was a joke, so I laughed and she smiled and I relaxed; if she'd been serious... well, Pinkie would probably say it represents pie, cake, and cupcakes or something.

"Maybe it stands for Sleipnir, Celestia, and Luna," Fluttershy said softly.

"I must admit I hadn't heard of Princess Luna before I met you," I said.

"She's... been on a trip," Fluttershy said weakly, scuffing the dirt with her hooves.

"Come to steal Marcus before he finishes?" Rarity said softly to Twilight.

"I hate to interrupt," Twilight said, sounding guilty. "We should practice some magic, though."

"I'll brush you," Fluttershy said.

"You are a lifesaver and a true friend," Rarity said. "I will brush you when you're done."

"Thank you," Fluttershy said.

"You two have fun," Rarity said to me.

I'll have fun; I'll just be wondering if I am going to die the whole time.

************

I ended up on first watch with Twilight, Spike, and Rainbow Dash. Spike went to sleep immediately after saying, "Don't worry, I can stay up if I want to."

Twilight put him on a blanket and the two of us practiced spells together, while Rainbow Dash bobbed about, keeping watch.

"This could really get ugly, you know," I said to her.

"I know," Twilight said, sighing. "But with no map and no idea what's inside, we can't even plan. All I can do is be ready and work on improving how many spells I know." She sounded frustrated.

We were both juggling lightning balls, trying to work on control. Well, control for Twilight, power for me. She has huge raw power but lacks control. I am the opposite way around. I think Rarity is the same way. As me, that is. VERY high control, more so than me.

Spike now coughed up a letter in his sleep. This reminded me. "Have we in fact told Celestia what's going on?"

"Oh no, I totally forgot, she's going to be so unhappy and... Spike's asleep!," Twilight said.

"Just write it now. We probably won't die overnight," I told her." I curiously examined the letter, which was from Princess Luna to me. I blinked. Well, time to read, I guess.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Samus Marcus,

My dear sister Celly tells me that you are a dear friend of hers, though I must confess I don't remember her ever mentioning you. She said, however, that I should write you and warn you that the notorious criminal Erik of Vestland is believed to be in the northern Malpheggi swamp and that Thyatian and Minrothadi hit squads are in the area, trying to find him and capture or kill him. So keep your eyes open. He is wanted for the theft of the Water Elves' Pearl, an affair with a Minrothadi ambassador, wearing an Augrist high priest's hat when unqualified to do so, stealing the harem of a Thyatian Ambassador, mocking the Thyatian Emperor, wearing the Sacred Hat of Valerias inappropriately, misleading youth, mocking the gods, failing to pay for 8 sandwiches, and 3 moving violations. Among other crimes.

Also, apparently, he broke Twilight's heart and for that, he will suffer tremendously. The heart of a young filly is NOT to be trifled with!

NOT to be trifled with.

Sorry, I normally don't get so angry with people, but Twilight and her friends are important to me, and I don't like to see someone I care about get hurt.

It makes me angry.

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

I don't like me when I'm angry.

Sorry, I got off topic. You must make sure everyone in the group knows about this. I'm not sure why Celly didn't have me also alert Twilight, but I trust her judgment

I suppose she fears Twilight will do something foalish.

Hehe.

Anyway, also tell everyone the Glantrians are here and things are going well, though I think several of them will have to be taught to stop looking covetously at everyone's horns.

Please inform us as soon as you reach the dragon; we haven't heard anything for several days and we're worried.

Anyway, a pleasure to meet you,

Your new friend,

Princess Luna of Equestria, sister to Princess Celestia.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Twilight was reading over my shoulder; I was sitting on the ground. "He's NOT A CRIMINAL," she said fervently.

TWITCH.

I'd like you to know, I would have paid for those sandwiches, except someone tried to kill me and I had to run for my life!

I hope those hit squads can't just zoom in on me; the last thing this mission needs is interruption by people trying to kill me.

Of course they will. Though...

AHAHAHAHA. If I can manipulate them into thinking the fake me is 'Erik'... oh hoh hoh.

They might make off with some of the dragon's treasure, though. Dammit.

"I'm still surprised you don't hate him," I said nervously to her. Flames were licking along her tail, which can't be a good sign.

She closed her eyes and counted to ten. The fire went out. "I understand why he ran away. I'm sure if I hadn't been too drunk to chase him, it would have been okay." She sighed. "There were times, I thought... It's just, when we were studying or working on things, even when we just were doing our own projects near each other, it was like when I watched my parents when I was a filly. That simple comfort from just being around someone you care about, even if you're both busy, it just..." She sighed. "I guess it sounds crazy."

I would kill myself but probably I would spontaneously rise from the dead because they don't want me in the afterlife. I should probably try; it would be easier than waiting for the truth to out. "No, I understand," I told her. "It looks like Celestia and Luna plan to kill him for hurting you, though."

"I'm sure they'll understand once I explain it to them. I can put it in the next letter," Twilight said. She sighed. "He probably has someone else by now, and I shouldn't keep thinking about him."

"You're better off moving on," I told her. "I doubt we'll encounter him." LIE LIE LIE.

She sighed. "I have to focus on important things," she said, then shook her head. "Let's focus on blowing things up. I'm going to have to face evil-me, so I need a counter-spell."

"Water," I said. "You need a water attack to turn her lightning back on her."

"Oooh, yes," Twilight said.

In three minutes, she found a water generating spell and started practicing it, while I stood in for evil Twilight, using an illusion of lightning so I wouldn't hurt myself for real. It was very cheesy looking; I can only do simple illusions.

We kept working on tactics, until, finally, it was time to get some sleep, for which I was grateful.

******************

I woke up in a nice soft bed, which was confusing to say the least. It had dark blue sheets with white stars on it, a Winter Solstice present from Twilight; the stars were, in fact, accurately placed, though many stars were missing; this was only the most prominent ones.

I got as far as taking a shower, making breakfast and starting to eat it when I suddenly realized I was somehow back in my old quarters at Celestia's School, which were apparently totally unchanged after more than a year, and wearing clothing I'd abandoned when I fled.

Nervously, I went back to the bathroom and this time paid actual attention to my body. Looking in the mirror, I saw Erik's face looking at me. I was taller, paler, more muscular, definitely blonder with longer hair.

I have to admit, I regret losing this body's good looks. 'Samus Marcus' isn't hideously ugly, but I'm not beauty contest winner either.

However, I can see why Ivan arranged for me to be shapeshifted; with so many lunatics after me, what else could I do?

"So long as you run without a patron, you'll always be hunted and it will only grow worse over time," a woman said to me. She was deep voiced but very smooth.

And I couldn't see her anywhere.

"Okay, voice in my head, who are you?" I said.

There was a gentle laughter, but something about it disturbed me.

And then it was gone.

I must be dreaming, I decided. It would make NO sense for me to be back in Canterlot and Erik otherwise.

Might as well see what happens if it's a dream. I checked the calendar. I should be teaching classes today; in fact, I'd better run.

Class went smoothly despite me only recognizing half the ponies present. Oddly, one of them looked somewhat like Applejack, except for the red mane and, well, the horn, and one of them... was she an Alicorn? She had an orange coat and purple mane and had a horn AND wings.

They and their friend, a white unicorn with a pink and purple mane were all VERY hyper and hard to keep in line. Also, the redhead kept touching her horn every few minutes for some reason.

The rest of my classes went well, I handed back homework and took more homework to grade and headed home. I could see Twilight's tower distantly; Spike was busy cleaning the windows.

I sighed, feeling that familiar clutch of guilt. After what I did to her, I can't, even in a dream. She deserves better. I enjoy her company. I like her. If she'd been human...

But I can't rewrite the past, even in a dream.

Okay, I could in a dream, but it doesn't feel right.

I don't have the right to go dream about happy times with Twilight as if I never messed anything up for her.

"She would forgive you, you know," the voice said. "She understands you better now."

I need... I don't want us to be enemies or hostile, but I don't... It wouldn't be healthy for her to just forgive me everything.

I'd be taking advantage of her good nature.

I remembered my fight with Rarity. She got mad at me; I didn't mean to make her feel that way but weirdly, it felt... I don't want to fight with people, but having an honest fight and then making up, that felt right. Overly easy forgiveness cheapens forgiveness.

But I guess that reflects me not thinking like a Pony.

She ought to get angry with me before we make up.

Much as that likely means turning me into a turnip.

"You really have learned nothing about the dangers of displeasing those of vast power," the woman said softly. "Do you intend to drag them down in the wreck of your ship? If you really thought what you just thought, you'd tell her the truth."

I'm too scared to. As usual, I'm following the path of least resistance. What keeps me alive five more minutes.

"Serve me and you won't have to be afraid. You will have whatever woman you want, and wealth and power too. I could make you the great wizard you've always dreamed of. Or you can keep on running, like a rat in a maze. Is that what you want?" the woman asked with her deep, smooth voice. Was this Luna? No, I don't think so. Nyx? No, she'd want me to be undead.

"I don't serve anyone," I said. "I have friends and I work with them, because we're friends, but I am no one's servant." Okay, I do work for hire a lot but this is clearly a 'swear to the glorious night or whatever and get power, wealth, etc' situation. NEVER swear to mysterious voices.

"Friends you lie to," she said. "Is there anyone in this group you've been honest with? You're just using them for your own benefit. I'll use you, but I'll pay you to do it. And protect you from your enemies. You have too many enemies to survive without a patron."

That's probably true. But I'm certainly not selling myself to a mysterious voice. "Why me?" I asked.

"You made your choices, not me," she said, amused.

"No, I mean, why do YOU want me," I asked.

"I need someone sneaky who has no one else to turn to. No one else to rely on."

The setting had shifted and now I was in the swamp. I could see the assassins creeping towards our camp and I was 'Samus Marcus' again. "Do you really think a bunch of ponies can stop the Thyatians? The Minrothadi?" she asked me.

Could they? The Minrothadi don't mess around and neither do the Thyatians. On the other hand, this group is a lot tougher than it looks.

They shouldn't have to. But I can't leave them now. I want to run. But I can't leave an evil clone of myself running around loose, getting me into even MORE trouble.

And leaving reduces my odds of surviving those hit squads, assuming they can find and recognize me. Which I have to assume the worst.

But if I stay, the truth will eventually out and I will be KILLED.

Can't run. Can't not run.

Dammit!

I hate this.

"I put my trust in them," I said. "They're tougher than you think."

Her voice turned harsh. "Then you are a fool and with them, you will DIE."

The air turned solid and I couldn't breathe. Literally.

I began choking; I couldn't even fall down because the solid air froze me in place.

"This time, you will stay dead," the woman said harshly. "You are a failure, discarded by your master as a failed experiment and now that experiment ends."

What the hell is she talking about?

Mind you, I now suddenly remembered meeting this dragon before. She had been named... Marquetta? She had a Belcadizian name? Maybe this is a shapeshifted Belcadizian? But I don't remember any Dona Marquettas.

But I do remember going into this dragon's lair for some reason and then Annika began casting a spell and the dragon spat fire at her and I shoved her out of the way and...

Something about being killed by an owlbear while carrying the dragon's treasure.

I survived dragonfire, then got killed by an owlbear???

Also, I was alone when I got killed by the owlbear, so how did I not stay dead?

Dammit, I need to find someone to catalog and sort my brain.

At least I am going to die with a hat on, so my corpse will have some dignity.

And better I be killed by someone I hate than someone I like.

I could feel myself getting weak from lack of air.

I'm going to regret this, because the last... of course, she already knows where I am.

CELESTIA! HELP!!!!! I'll do anything! Don't let me get eaten!!!!

There was a crackle of lightning behind me and a whirring noise and then to my utter shock, Pinkie went shooting past me at high speed and crashed into Marquetta's nose. She looked utterly stunned, especially when another Pinkie crashed into her cheek. And another one into her right shoulder.

What the hell?

She rose up and breathed fire, but her own spell around me deflected the fire. Further, the solidity of the air melted and though now I felt steamed, I could breathe.

I turned and saw Pinkie with a giant metal tube over one shoulder. Lightning crackled inside it as it rotated and as I watched, another Pinkie formed inside it and was fired at Marquetta at high speed.

WHAT THE HELL?

Nothing I have ever seen blew my mind more than this.

A veritable army of Pinkies was all over Marquetta, hitting her with pies, trying to sell her insurance, pulling back scales and trying to stick her head behind them, singing songs and dancing, kicking her, biting her, reciting poetry and staging stand up comedy routines.

When the hell did Pinkie get the ability to do THIS?

I started laughing. How could I not?

That really made Marquetta angry.

She gave a tremendous shriek and spread her wings, sending Pinkies flying everywhere. "I WILL NOT BE MOCKED!"

"Those who cannot take a joke will have to have one given to them," Pinkie said very seriously. "That's what Uncle Korotiku always says."

UNCLE Korotiku???

He's one of the high ranking Immortals of Thought. Basically a spider who turns into a man (or maybe vice versa), a trickster Immortal. Worshiped more on Skothar than here on Brun, though the Pearl Islanders worship him.

Surely he's not actually Pinkie's uncle.

Though it would explain a few things.

All of the Pinkies now imitated Marquetta's stance as best they could. "I WILL NOT BE MOCKED!" they shouted, then giggled and ran as she tried to fry them with fire.

"Thanks, Pinkie," I said. "Am I asleep?"

"Of course you are, silly. I couldn't do this if we were awake," she said as the chaos continued nearby. "She tried tempting me but I already have plenty of pie." She produced one from her saddlebags. "Pie?"

"Yes, it is," I said to her.

She blinked, then laughed. "Anyway, we need to all wake up to kick her out of our dreams."

The last thing I need is another player in this mess.

"How about a thin mint!," one of the Pinkies shouted as I woke up.

*************

Everyone, apparently, had dreamed of her trying to subvert them, which creeped us all out.

"Marquetta was a ~red dragon~ who laired in the Malpheggi for about fifteen years," Spike said. He said 'red dragon' the way one might normally refer to dung or urine or some other very nasty thing. Multiplied by about five. "She relocated for some reason about forty years ago from the Cruth Mountains to the Malpheggi; she beat up the other dragons and asserted her dominance but they resented her. Twenty five years or so ago, the Blue Eagle Company raided her lair and stole a bunch of her treasure. She hunted them down, killed them all, then vanished. Her fate is unknown but most people assume she relocated to some more remote location with less treasure thieves."

I would think I was in the Blue Eagle Company except that would make me a LOT older than I think I am. I'm pretty sure I am somewhere in my early thirties.

"My uncle Pieter worked for one of the Blue Eagles when he was young," Ivan said. "During his Shearing. He went back home before they all got killed off, though. The way he told it, the Dragon ate all of them but one who got away somehow. They were all Karameikan."

"Who was the one who got away?" I asked.

"Dmitri Ilyanovich," Ivan said. "He was from Kelvin and had to leave when Baron Kelvin took it over and renamed it from... whatever it was before. Because of the ban on magic users."

Baron Kelvin is a cleric of the Church of Karameikos and for some reason has a really inane law against arcane magic in his barony.

Ivan is from Novgorod, a little village about halfway between Kelvin and Penhaligon, about twenty five or so miles from each. Kelvin, with its mighty five thousand people, is 'the big city' to anyone from Novgorod, which has about eight hundred. Even though Kelvin only has about a city block worth of people in a real metropolis like Thyatis City.

Dmitri... dammit, that name sounds familiar and makes me think of death by owlbear.

I can't possibly be that old unless someone is feeding me longevity potions, though. When I'm not looking.

"How did you know to help me, Pinkie?" I asked.

"I got this weird twitch in my leg so I just started wandering around until I found you," she said.

So she just wanders through people's dreams because of leg twitches. ACK.

"The weird thing is that the other dragon didn't give me that twitch, so I guess this one means 'red dragon', though that other red dragon, I got a *different* twitch."

Twilight now twitched visibly. "We'll worry about that later."

"Maybe it is pretending to be Marquetta to confuse us," Applejack said. "Just 'cause a dragon claims one name doesn't mean it's true. It might actually be a blue or a green or something, in disguise."

"Given reds don't normally invade dreams..." Why did it call me an experiment discarded by my master? I felt all weird in my own body now.

"Ahah!" Twilight said, then did the hoof of triumph. "I found her! Marquetta has a FIVE PAGE entry in Jagger's Catalog of Dragons, Volume four!"

Oh man, I didn't even think about how Twilight had brought her dragon books.

"It says that after she ate a group of adventurers who tried to steal her treasure and got their artifact, she moved to the Malpheggi and took over White Plume Mountain as her lair."

We all paused and looked at the mountain and I twitched.

What's worse than a Grand Wyrm Black Dragon?

A GRAND WYRM RED DRAGON!!!

Damn you White Plume Mountain

"That was 959 AC. In 975 AC, the Blue Eagle Company raided her lair, forced her to flee, and stole her treasure. She survived, then picked them off one by one but the party's scout, Dmitri Ilyanovich, managed to hide from her. He hasn't been seen since and neither has she; her hoard vanished and it's assumed she's still trying to hunt him down."

"What was the artifact?" Rarity asked curiously.

I knew in my gut it would be the Lockpicks of Asterius and Marquetta and Vermicoritax would somehow be the same dragon and we all would DIE.

"The Falchion of Minroth," Twilight said.

"The what?" Applejack asked.

"I... don't know," Twilight said, then turned red.

"I think it's some kind of bird," Pinkie said.

"That's a falcon, and a falchion is not a bird," Fluttershy said.

"Well, it doesn't matter, then," Ivan said. "Though if we find something weird, we should check it out."

"Maybe Marquetta made the clones in order to trigger a war between Equestria and the dragons of the Malpheggi, so she could reassert her rule over the area in the aftermath," I said.

"And hired the thugs to maybe slow us down long enough for the dopplegangers to do their work and start the war since we would try to be peaceful?" Spitfire said, frowning.

"You know, it's possible that Herr Ukvarth was a shapeshifted Marquetta, infiltrating to urge us to trigger this war," I said, frowning.

Everyone grimaced at that.

"You mentioned a red dragon killed your parents, Spike? Any connection to Marquetta?" I said, frowning.

"Probably not; it happened up by North Marech Castle. A red tried to settle in after leaving the Adri Varna Plateau," Spike said sadly. "Celestia had to take the field herself in the end."

Twilight patted him comfortingly as he leaned on her. "I will send Owlicious a letter; he can look up what a 'falchion' is."

Spike quickly took dictation and burned the letter.

A thought hit me. "Keraptis used to steal weapons, right? And put them in the mountain to draw people to their doom?"

"So probably the Falchion was some weapon that Keraptis stole and then Marquetta added it to her hoard? Hell, Keraptis may have recruited Marquetta to come live here while he took a vacation and once he came back, she had to move out or something," Ivan said thoughtfully.

"Well, I think it's time for us to go in," Applejack said. "Ain't much we can do to get ready we ain't already done."

Unfortunately.

Time for victory or death, and I hope not death. Though I suppose Fluttershy can probably reincarnate us if we die.

With my luck, I'll end up a goldfish.

*************

Here's the problem. We climbed up the mountainside to the only entrance big enough for ponies, kindly labeled by our enemies. Now the problem is that we can be SURE it's a trap. The tunnel was hot and humid with a narrow crack at the far end; every few minutes, a gout of steam erupted, trying to roast everyone in the rough wedge-shaped tunnel. Ivan and I took the lead because we know how to find and eliminate traps. Fortunately, Ivan's keen hearing detected the oncoming steam buildup and so we hit the floor and avoided boiling.

We had to dodge it three times before we found the cunningly hidden trap door which opened onto a staircase, down into a long twenty foot wide tunnel. Everyone ran in and down the stairs and we headed up the tunnel, lined with cut, dressed granite with no decoration.

Hornglow and mage light lit our way. Applejack, Dash, Ivan, and myself took the lead, two ready to fight, two searching for the inevitable DEATH TRAPS.

Death Trap number one involved a marble ceiling panel, carved with runes and a trap door under it. Ivan triggered the trap and we looked down. Matching marble flooring sixty feet down. You fall, WHAM, then you teleport to the top and fall again WHAM. AGAIN. AGAIN. And so on.

Simple, elegant, stolen from second century Thyatian tomb designs, which they likely stole from the Nithians. If you've ever died in a horrible trap, the odds are good the Nithians or Blackmoor invented it first.

This one, though, was clearly a warning; the marble ceiling panel made it OBVIOUS.

The second one was a classic dart trap. If you don't follow the correct zig-zag pattern on the floor, which was marked with black and white titles, you got shot with darts. Again, the sudden decor switch said 'Hey kids, TRAP!'

Ivan and I carefully chalked the tiles they needed to step on. "Don't step on any other tiles," I said. "But honestly, this is easy."

"Hah!" Rainbow Dash flew to the other side. "Even EASIER!"

"Uhh, sugarcube, it ain't so easy as you say," Applejack said.

I demonstrated. "See, it's really not that hard if you go slow."

"You're forgetting a fundamental difference 'tween us, Marcus," Applejack said.

"Being a woman doesn't matter," I said.

Ivan punched me. "She has four legs."

I buried my face in my hands. "Okay, I feel stupid," I said.

"We could put boards across it," Pinkie said.

"If we had boards," Spike pointed out.

"We'll just fly everyone," Spitfire said.

Twilight teleported herself and Spike across. "That's one less pony to haul."

"I bet you could jump it," Dash said to Applejack.

Fluttershy flew herself across. Applejack backed up, nearly fell in the pit trap, then made a running jump and crossed it, looking proud of herself. "Yeehaw!" She reared triumphantly.

Pinkie now produced weird looking shoes and put them on and walked on the wall. "Spider-Pinkie, Spider-Pinkie," she sang. "Does whatever a spider can!"

Then she tossed them to Rarity; the shoes were red with black webbing and looked rather silly. Rarity licked her lips nervously, then walked on the wall quickly, now looking a little tired. "It's hard to fight off gravity," she said.

I helped her take them off and Pinkie put them back on, though now she made a really annoying popping sound every time she moved.

I was a little jealous, though the shoes were made for ponies, not humans and thus had no space for feet. They were like tubes, basically.

The third trap was more subtle. Classic mashing-wall trap. No tells, no obvious signs of trouble. You had to find a switch to shut it off, very subtly hidden. Fortunately, Ivan knows his stuff.

Then we reached an intersection. Tunnels ran left and right at angles and straight forwards. There was a semi-circular room here and in it squatted a disheveled, unhappy sphinx. Rarity made a cry of horror, then rushed up to her as she squatted on a pile of furs. "Oh, you poor darling. Let me guess, you have to guard this place and can't leave at all to visit a nice spa, right?"

The Sphinx blinked, ruffling her feathers. "I... oh yes. It's terrible! It's nothing but dirty adven... wait, didn't you already come through here?"

"Those were our evil twins," I said. "I take it you're a longer-term resident?"

"I was bound here for a century by Keraptis, and I have fifty-three years to go," she said mournfully. "I thought I got a good deal when the terms were until this flower bloomed again," she said, pointing to a potted plant which had a barren trunk and barren branches. "Only, it's a CENTURY plant."

This is why you NEVER bargain with mad wizards. "Did he keep his end of the deal?"

"Oh yes, he found my missing child. Who now has GRANDCHILDREN I HAVE NEVER SEEN," she said angrily. "Does Democritus ever visit? NO, he's too busy running around like a tramp."

Twenty minutes of bitching about her ungrateful children ensued. Rarity and Fluttershy made sympathetic noises, while the rest of us slowly went mad.

"I assume we have to answer a riddle to pass?" Twilight said hopefully.

"Oh yes. One for each tunnel. Fail and I have to devour you, which will only make me more of a filthy mess," the sphinx said mournfully.

I am very, very dubious this sphinx can actually eat us.

"Here, let us clean you up some," Rarity said. "I cannot allow a lady and a mother to remain in this condition. It would be dishonorable."

This is how I ended up assisting in giving a sphinx a makeover. We worked hard on grooming her, while Twilight did the riddle thing.

"Okay, left tunnel riddle," Twilight said.

"I have a mouth but never speak. I have a bed but never sleep. I run smoother than any rhyme. I love to fall but cannot climb," the sphinx said, sounding bored of even saying it.

"River," Twilight said.

The sphinx blinked. "Okay, you got that one but the next one is harder. Round she is, yet flat as a board, Altar of the Lupine Lords..." She didn't actually get to finish before Twilight spoke.

"The Moon," Twilight said.

"I didn't even finish it!," the sphinx said, clearly disappointed.

"Also, the phrase 'Altar of the Lupine Lords' comes right out of Mother Wyvern's Book of Poetry for Children, Volume Three," Twilight said.

"..."

"Third riddle?" she asked eagerly.

As I brushed fluff and dirt off one of her wings and Fluttershy followed up with a soapy brush, the sphinx licked her lips. "The other version of you had a hard time with this one."

"Evil is always weaker than good," Twilight said confidently.

If that was true, then evil wouldn't cause so much trouble. She's still kind of naive at heart. I've seen too much evil to expect good will always win. So I licked my lips nervously.

Pinkie climbed up with a broom in her mouth, and began twisting around unnaturally to dust off the sphinx's head. "My creator wants me not, And much in dread will I be bought. My cold embrace is fiercely fought, Most all who need me know it not."

This has to be some kind of death thing.

Pinkie looked down at me thoughtfully.

I am not the answer to this riddle. I hope.

How much did she hear?

Twilight rubbed her forehead. "Okay, hard one. Time limit?"

"Take your time; you can go north and northwest now since you answered the riddles for those, then come back and tell me," she said.

"What is your name?" Pinkie asked.

"Etrusca," the sphinx said.

"Okay, Etrusca," Pinkie said and finished sweeping.

Twilight was STILL trying to figure it out when we finished cleaning up Etrusca, who was now a nice golden-brown and gleamed. She cried with joy when Rarity showed her herself in the mirror. "Oh, it's wonderful," she said. "If only my boy would come visit."

"I can mail him a letter if you like," Spike said.

"PLEASE," she said, so she wrote out a letter and Spike sent it.

Then we headed northwest.

************

The hallway descended and now had a foot of murky water covering the floor. Rarity stared at it in horror. The Wonderbolts and Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy simply flew over it. Twilight grimaced too, while Applejack just splashed out into it.

"Sorry, Rarity, but we have to press on," I told her.

She sighed. "The things a lady must do." She shook her head and waded into the water. We were used to this by now, though Applejack looked rather amused.

There was a hidden pit trap, though I am not sure how effective it really would be given you'd gently float down a bit instead of plummeting. But we shut that down easily.

The hallway now bent north and had six ten foot long copper plates on each wall before opening up into a bigger room ahead. Ivan and I held up a hand. "What the hell is this?" Ivan said. "Is it magic?"

I studied it. "Yes."

"Is it a giant still?" Pinkie asked.

"There's probably a floor trigger," Ivan said. "But this murky water hides the floor so I can't look for it."

"I could scout past it," Rainbow Dash said.

"That could cut you off," Ivan said, frowning.

"We could try sucking up all the water into clouds, but there's not really room to disperse it and I think we'd end up shrouded in fog, never mind," Soarin' said. He sighed.

Twilight studied the wall panels. "They cause heat, I think."

"It IS a still," Pinkie said excitedly.

I do not wish to become brandy.

"Maybe the riddle for this tunnel has some kind of clue," Twilight said thoughtfully.

"We are standing in a kind of stagnant river, which was the answer," Spike said.

"The middle one, the moon, could also mean 'air'," Ivan said. "It may have air defenses, and then the last one is either fire or earth related."

"Hey, it could be earth and then this one has magic challenges for unicorns," Applejack said. "So unicorns go this way, pegasi the middle way, earth ponies the other one."

"I would hope unicorns are NOT expected to wade in filthy water," Rarity said, frowning.

"And someone trying to fend you off would make the route as filthy as possible," I told her. "Or fend me off. Remember, mad wizards want to see you flail, but always provide some sort of out if you are clever or determined enough. It's how they get their jollies."

Twilight thought hard. "Wouldn't it be easier to beat the challenges if you have another kind of pony's abilities?"

"Maybe," Ivan said. "We can expect a couple of things this way that only magic can beat, if the theory is correct. Given this place wasn't made just for pony-thwarting, there may be other thematic things going on. Mad wizards LOVE their themes."

"These traps are usually triggered by pressure, right?" Applejack said.

"Yes," Ivan said. "Unless they have magic sensors built in."

"I'm thinking Rainbow Dash should try to move through, see if she can get by," Applejack said.

"Hold on," I said and cast Saint Tarastia's fire on her. "Now she can see once she gets there."

Rainbow Dash said, "FORWARDS!"

She zoomed down the corridor, then said, "There's a big square room with a watery floor, but stairs go up out of the water!" Then she winced. "And my hooves hurt. My horseshoes feel hot."

A second later. "And...uh... really ugly, dirty humans are coming at me! Time to kick some ass!"

The Wonderbolts launched down the hallway to aid her, though both of them gave a yelp at the end.

"Forward," Applejack shouted.

"No, wait, it may not be..." I began.

Applejack and Pinkie rushed down the hallway; by the end, they were yelping about hot horseshoes too.

Rarity said, "Try and lure them to where I can shoot them from here."

"And the same for me!" Twilight shouted.

"I think maybe it's heating up metal like Fluttershy's spell. Fluttershy, do you think maybe you could turn this off?"

"I can try," Fluttershy said and she began singing a song, while Spike helped Rarity stow all her jewelry in her saddlebags. Ivan and I stowed our weapons in Twilight's saddlebags so she could pass them back to us.

Fluttershy began to glow. "Stand close by me," she said and she led us down the hallway, protecting us. We reached the far end, a large square room; there was a concealed door open in one wall and nine ill-kempt humans with sallow skin and dirty fangs and clawed fingers were rampaging. Three more had collapsed in the water, dead or unconscious. They were starting to crumble into dust. Applejack and Pinkie were both paralyzed and fallen down in the water. Dash was busy dodging them and looking frustrated. Spitfire and Soarin' kicked another one into the wall and then fell on him, battering him until he collapsed; their suits seemed to let them touch the creatures safely.

The first wave fell back when Twilight and I hammered them with lightning balls. Rarity shot three of them with arrows, piercing their hearts and they fell, crumbling to dust. Spike breathed fire on them; to my surprise, they didn't vanish but they DID burn, and two of them now stumbled away and threw themselves in the water, though they were now badly hurt. Twilight then passed Ivan and I our weapons.

Fluttershy said something I couldn't hear over all the shouting, then began flapping her wings like it was some sort of signal.

Dash flew over to us. "If you touch them or they claw you, you get paralyzed. I need a magic protection whammy."

Fluttershy laid her hooves on Dash and sang; Dash now glowed green as well as having yellow and red St. Tarastia's Fire. "This should protect you."

The Wonderbolts nailed another ghoul and beat him down, working together, even as Dash rushed into the fray and pushed another one through the concealed door and back into the room they came from. I heard a 'WHAM'.

Ivan darted at one, stabbed him, parried the counter-stroke with a dagger, stabbed him again, parried another blow and then finished him off.

Applejack made a muffled noise probably indicating her irritation with being paralyzed. Pinkie made gurgly noises and Ivan turned her head to get the water out.

Fluttershy now came over to Applejack and began praying and singing and laying on of hooves. Applejack suddenly snapped into action. "Hold on while I protect you," Fluttershy said, while Applejack waited impatiently.

By the time she was ready, the rest of us had blasted, burned, stabbed, and beaten our foes to death.

"Well, that was a fight," Twilight said.

"Warmup act," I said.

"..."

"Likely all these paths we'll get keys or something to reach the sanctum where our doubles will be waiting, rested up while we are battered and worn down."

Ivan began rooting through the dust piles. He didn't find much, but there was a chest in the secret room. Careful examination showed that it was linked to a trap to close the door and flood the room, so the Wonderbolts, Dash, and Applejack positioned themselves to hold the door open while Ivan disabled the trap with help from me. Several hundred each of silver, gold, and electrum coins, but the really valuable thing was a silver statuette of Nyx. It was beautifully made with tiny gemstone eyes and she held a little crystal goblet of 'blood' (actually ruby, according to Rarity). It went into Rarity's bags.

Rule 2 of dungeons, always look for hidden treasure. I checked for a false bottom but there wasn't one. Tsk, someone is slipping.

Time to go up the stairs and die.

**************

The stairs bent around up to a rather unusual room. It was very tall, maybe 120 or more feet tall in height; about five feet above ground level, a waterway flowed through the air, about ten feet deep with ten foot high above water level openings in the walls that it flowed in and out of. There were three more similar rivers above it. I suspect it's all one big river which flows up and down using magic and bent space. Eight rectangular rafts sat against the wall, each about five feet long and two feet wide; you could see the flow of the current and fish swam in the water. Probably they eat flesh.

I threw a small wad of paper; it didn't dissolve, so not acid.

"I guess we just raft to the end," Applejack said.

"It's going to be trickier than that," I said. "Soarin', try flying straight down the tunnel until you see us again. If you have to make a choice, go left."

He flew into the north wall and after three minutes, emerged from the west wall at the top level. "I passed through four other rooms but I stuck with my stream. There was a triangle shaped room, a pentagon, a hexagon, and...uh... a room with seven sides," he shouted down.

This room was a square. Bloody hell, this is some damn math-geometry puzzle bullshit.

"Simple progression of sides," Twilight said. "Spike, notes."

Spike began taking notes as Soarin' reported what he'd seen; he'd gone through the pentagon, then the triangle, then the septagon, then the hexagon. Each room had as many streams flowing through it as the number of sides.

"It's entirely possible this changes alignment based on something we're supposed to predict," I said.

"I hate this kind of thing," Ivan grumbled.

"I'm intrigued," Twilight said. "Rarity, take a look at this. This is supposed to be a challenge for unicorns, we think, so we should work together."

"If I was going to challenge me, it would involve making clothing," Rarity said, but she came over and began studying Twilight's notes. They began sending our pegasi through the tunnels, trying to map out more of it and find the pattern. I frowned. There has to be more to this than just a really complicated water maze.

We were all a little surprised when Rainbow Dash suddenly came flying back out of one of the tunnels at ground level. It looked like there was also an octagon, a nonagon AND a decagon, and then you ended up back here. Further, only about a third of the identified water roads were the one which ran at the ground floor here. In other words, you'd have to switch levels at least once in order to get through this, and I suspect, a bunch of times.

WE ARE GOING TO BE IN HERE FOREVER.

"How is anypony supposed to jump these rafts from one level to another?" Applejack said. "For that matter, without oars, how do we steer?"

"Teleport," I said. "Hmm, let me test something, much as I'd rather stay dry."

I leaped up into the water and stood in it; you could feel a kind of membrane, and though it swayed a bit under my weight, it held me up. "Depending on how far the distance is, we could throw rafts up to someone or down, then climb up and down with ropes or using those crazy jumping skills of yours," I said. "Probably something will try to kill us while we're in the middle of it."

"So it's intended to make us use lots of magic and get too worn out when we reach the next danger?" Rarity said.

"Most likely, yes," I said. "There may be re-directs and the like intended to split us up which the pegasi aren't triggering because they're not in the water."

"These rafts are so ugly," Rarity said, frowning. "I bet our evil twins cheated with their flying carpet."

That made sense. "Maybe there's some way to exploit your arrows."

"Maybe the fact we start in the square is some kind of hint," Pinkie mused. "Instead of the triangle; it's the logical starting point, right?"

"Yes," Twilight said. She studied our crude map, looking for a numerical pattern. "Three through ten. Eight rooms. Maybe they stand for something," Twilight mused.

"They stand for me hating math puzzles," Ivan said, leaning on the wall.

Fluttershy paused, then blinked and went over and began talking to the fish.

I slapped my forehead. SO DAMN OBVIOUS.

"They say there's an eleven sided room which has frost giants in it and a twelve-sided room with a trapdoor in the ceiling over the topmost river," Fluttershy said. "But they're not smart enough to know the room orders."

"Some of the others may do things when a unicorn enters, if it's keyed to unicorns," I said.

"And if you come in low enough, the frost giants don't notice you because they rarely look at their feet, but you likely have to make complicated moves to REACH that low-running one in their room," Twilight said.

That made sense.

"I hate to ask but we have to map the rest of this and you three can get around easiest," Twilight said to the pegasi.

"It's cool, threading the needle here is pretty fun, see how fast you can do in confined space," Dash said.

Rarity twitched. Pinkie said, "Oooh, I don't know that one. What does your Rarity twitch tell you?"

"Marcus, darling, can you try getting under the water and pushing up on it?" Rarity said, studying the water intently.

...

I tried doing so and the water actually rose; you could grasp the 'membrane' and push it. If you were careful, with slow and steady pressure, you could push the water down too without breaking through the membrane and entering the water. It required, however, delicacy.

"This is a test for both of us," Rarity said. "Your keen mind for geometry and my mind for sewing. Your power and my finesse. This is like a badly sewn garment with threads going wildly everywhere. What we have to do is to pick apart the tangle and rethread it so it moves smoothly through the rooms in an orderly way, and then we can get past here."

Twilight rubbed her forehead. "That's going to drain us both a lot."

"We shall all have to pool our strength," Rarity said. "With you and I leading the way, I think we can do it."

It was a lot of work; the rest of us did a lot of climbing around, mapping, guiding, and sometimes just hefting rivers and pushing them around slowly at Rarity and Twilight's guidance, while they moved others themselves; Twilight summoned her Element and everyone was busy using theirs. Fluttershy even got the fish to help us.

You could actually feel the rooms move as Rarity and Twilight wove them into a new configuration; we could push the rooms around, which Applejack was very good at it. Pinkie assisted Applejack and made us lunch and dinner; it was dinner time by the time we'd rearranged them all and rafted to the biggest room, then climbed up through the trapdoor, but we all felt pretty proud of ourselves. Even better, the room at the top had three spindles of thread: cloth of gold, cloth of silver, and cloth of *platinum*. We were going to have some fancy formal attire, I could tell.

"Twilight," I told her. "There is almost certainly going to be an evil trapped book which will try to kill you and will be whatever book you MOST WANT. I tell you this, knowing you will blow yourself up anyway, but I have to try."

Twilight frowned. "I'm not stupid enough to fall for that trap," she said, glaring at me.

I speak from painful experience, of course.

"I hope the other routes don't have anything that complicated," Applejack said. "Though pushing rooms around was kind of fun."

"There's going to be an evil library. I know this in my heart," I said apologetically to Twilight. "And there will likely be something to make me do something foolish."

"Not hard," Spike said.

"Spike, be nice," Twilight said firmly. Fortunately, she doesn't stay mad for long.

"Also, Spike, don't eat any gems. They'll probably be poison or acid or something," I said.

"We should probably sleep soon," Pinkie said, yawning.

"Let's try and finish this branch, then we can hit the others tomorrow," Twilight said. "And we need to make sure none of our treasure so far is on the dragon's list."

We set off down a hallway as I tried to contemplate my weaknesses.

Which would take a while to go through *all* of them.

*************

The next room was large, maybe seventy feet long and forty feet wide with a door in the far wall; everything was painted with historical scenes. To the left of the entrance was the primitive semi-human Brute-men, hunting mammoths in the snow. To the right was a picture of us coming into the room. Various major events were painted across the walls and the far door. The door itself showed the crowning of the first Thyatian emperor; in the sky above him, Celestia and a black coated, armor wearing alicorn did battle as the moon eclipsed the sun. I had known about...

BING BING BING.

This must be Nightmare Moon. The fact that every pony in the place's breath caught made me realize I was right.

My brain whirred several clicks. This fight had caused an eclipse. We just had an eclipse around the same time they got the Elements of Harmony. Princess 'Luna' shows up after that. Holy shit, did they some how get one of the Entropics to switch sides?

I thought about how Entropy had once been Joy... and might be again, Twilight hoped.

Celestia aims big, I see.

I suddenly wondered if there had been an eclipse around 1000 BC when the gnolls laid waste to Karameikos and the Alphatians arrived on Mystara.

Twilight said something garbled, and I said to her, "Celestia dreams big."

"Yes," Twilight said softly.

Pinkie made incoherent noises with her hooves over her mouth.

"It's okay," I told her. "I can pretty much figure it out now."

"Figure what out?" Ivan asked.

"Don't worry about it," I told him. "I think we can assume this is some sort of 'push the right historical events to unlock the door' puzzle.

"Shouldn't we try the door before we just assume it's a trap?" Applejack said.

"It's ALWAYS a trap or a puzzle," I said. "Mad Wizards love this sort of thing."

"If there's even one block puzzle in this place, I am going to kill someone," Ivan said.

We all fanned out to study the murals, while Ivan and Twilight and I studied the door. It had no key lock but was locked. No obvious traps.

Then suddenly the door in filled with glowy light. And now we heard a voice. Twilight's voice. "Welcome to White Plume Mountain, evil twins of us."

"We are not EVIL," Applejack said. "And who are you ponies?"

"We are the Elements of Power," the not-Twilight said. "I am Dawn Gleaming, and I represent Knowledge. For Knowledge is a form of Power."

"Know..." Twilight stopped. Knowledge IS power. There is no way Twilight could possibly assert it is not. She looked utterly stymied.

"So is CANDY," Pinkie said. "Sugar is the ultimate power."

"Sugar doesn't even come close to Dawn Gleaming's power," a man said. He was somewhat higher pitched than me in tone but not actually into the high pitched registers (for a man).

"Sammy, is that you?" Pinkie asked.

"It's me, yes," Sammy said.

"I don't sound like that," I said.

"You sound exactly like that, sugarcube," Applejack said to me.

What? But I have a deeper voice than that, though not as deep as Erik had. When I was Erik, that is.

I heard distant laughter, which then stopped and now Rarity's voice echoed into the room. "Hello, everyone, I am Clarity, the Element of Industry."

"You are INCREDIBLY undignified," Rarity said condemningly.

"I just do what you do inside your head and I make it look good, don't I, Spikey?" Her voice purred.

"You always look good, Clarity," Spikey, the other-Spike said cheerfully.

Spike buried his face in his hands.

I guess Applejack is Farming, Dash is Athletics, Pinkie is... Partying? Social Affairs? And Fluttershy is something like Nature or Druidism or something.

"Anyway, my snuggle-wuggums and I designed this room for you," Dawn Gleaming began, her voice so laden with sugar, you could almost get a rush off it.

Pinkie, in fact, began bouncing about and shaking, probably having successfully gotten a rush off it.

"You have a snuggle-wuggums?" Twilight squeaked out.

"It's pretty much inevitable that two wizards working together will fall in love," Dawn Gleaming said with her voice full of even *more* sugar. "Touching minds, weaving spells together, sharing books, long evenings of studying together." Her voice kept getting ever more dreamy.

Rarity made a grumbly noise. Spike made a grumbling noise and looked at Rarity, then we could hear Clarity and Spikey making happy noises at each other. Spike looked ready to die and it hit me.

SPIKE HAS A CRUSH ON RARITY. I feel like an idiot for not seeing this before.

"Uhhh...," Applejack said. "So you two looking to make centaur babies?" She sounded boggled.

"Don't be silly, we use shapeshifting for such things. We're not looking for kids, anyway," Dawn Gleaming said. "We're both very busy and killing you all is eating up a lot of time we could be spending on finally finishing going over Edalsam's gloss of Meister Arkhe's commentary on Darius IV's history of Early Alphatia."

"I still think he made a huge mistake summarizing chapter 28 down to just three sentences. You can't just dismiss economic history that easily," Sammy said.

"Well, he had to get it down to 128 pages so it would fit in that printing size. Otherwise, he would have had to go up to 256, pushing the price too high, really, and making it harder to get through in the usual time alloted," Dawn Gleaming said.

"That isn't true, is it?" Rarity asked me, her voice oddly casual.

"I'm not familiar with the gloss in question, but the basic laws of printing apply," I said. "Alphatian presses would print giant pages which would be folded and cut into 128 pages. This made multiples of 128 the ideal size for books printed that way. Smaller presses could print 32 or 64 pages. So you wanted 32, 64, 128, or 256, usually. Beyond that, you probably wanted multiple volumes. Mind you, if we get into the issue of folios, then the math changes."

Dawn Gleaming and Sammy continued to debate history loudly, while Clarity and Spikey made happy noises at each other and our Spike clearly contemplated just burning EVERYTHING. Twilight, of course, began arguing the topic with Dawn Gleaming and Sammy.

Everyone else listened and milled around, waiting for someone who knew what to do.

"I meant about wizards, darling," Rarity said to me.

"Actually, wizards are more likely to set each other on fire over some stupid argument than to fall in love," I told her. "Though I have a friend in Glantri who became a wizard and married a wizard. And I suppose a lot of Glantrians and Alphatians do marry other wizards. But it's not what you'd consider automatic the way those two think."

"It IS inevitable," Dawn Gleaming said firmly to me. "We were *destined* by the stars!"

Twilight mumbled to herself.

Rarity started. "The mice," she said.

"Mice?" I asked.

"Long story," Rarity said.

"Twilight turned mice into horses to pull us to the Grand Gala, but Rarity's cat chased them off before we could go!" Pinkie said. "It was HILARIOUS." She began laughing.

"You shouldn't embarrass Rarity like that," I told Pinkie.

"If I don't, who will?" Pinkie said very seriously. "Everyone needs their chains rattled every so often."

Rarity looked at me, opened her mouth, glanced around, then shut it. "Enough of debating love and history," she said. "Let's get through this, I have things to do and places to go." Her voice was very businesslike. "What do we have to do?"

"Well, ideally, I would have just set you all on fire, but Keraptis liked to play with his food, so I have to give you a chance," Dawn Gleaming said regretfully. "I could be working with my snugglewuggums if you all would just die and leave us be. Or even just go away and never come back."

"We promised Vermicoritax to get ALL of his treasure back," Rainbow Dash said firmly. "I keep my promises."

"Me too," Applejack said and they high-hoofed. "Come on, let's get this done."

"There are ten historical errors in the paintings," Dawn Gleaming said. "Touch them all and the door opens. Each time you fail, a trap goes off."

"Is there a unique trap for each possible mistake?" Twilight asked.

"Do you think I could accept anything less?" Clarity asked. "A job worth doing is worth doing right, down to the smallest detail. That's how you get rich!"

"You robbed a dragon to get rich!" Rarity said angrily.

"Yes, and the robbery was carried out with an eye for detail. Wealth is the fruit of industry and it doesn't matter how you work as long as you work hard." Clarity sounded quite cheerful about this.

"And wealth is power," I said.

"Exactly, darling," Clarity said.

"I don't do it just for the money!" Rarity said angrily.

"We all know how you act when you see pretty things for the taking, dearie," Clarity said to her. "Men, jewelry, fine cloth... I saw how you coveted those rolls of cloth you found earlier. It pleased me, even if you have to die."

Rarity cringed at that and I got mad, putting a hand on her back. "Everyone likes pretty things, but Rarity doesn't hoard them for herself! She gets them so she can make something even MORE beautiful for others! She uses her love of beauty to help others, and you just keep it all for yourself!"

"Because I am the most beautiful thing of all," Clarity purred. "Aren't I, Spikey?"

"Lady Clarity, there is nothing in this whole world which can match your beauty, the fine smoothness of your white coat, the gentle perfect curls of your purple mane, the very color of royalty itself," Spikey said warmly.

"This is what happens when you bathe too often," Applejack said, shaking her head.

"Yeah, exactly," Rainbow Dash said. "No wonder she's so full of herself."

I cannot understand any mindset which exalts being filthy.

I heard Rarity's teeth grind, and then she said, "Marcus, darling, I think it's time to get this show under way so we can shove their words back in their mouths, though it may be hard as they're clearly full of themselves." She sounded quite angry and it was kind of thrilling, really.

"Okay," Twilight said. "Everyone look for weird things to point out to us, but I guess Marcus and I will have to do the identifying."

Given I'd been little use on the previous one, I was eager to take the lead here. Though Twilight likely knows more than I do.

"Got one," Pinkie said cheerfully, four seconds later, pointing to a painting of a pony busy baking a cake in an oven. Pony ovens involve heating coals in compartments above and below the main body of the oven, the heat diffuses inside the oven, allowing for nice even cooking and the smoke rises out through a pipe, keeping smoke off your food.

Twilight and I studied it. "Looks fine to me," Twilight said. "I really don't know baking." She paused, then looked around. "Wait, this is a modern oven and if these are in order, this would be... a long, long time ago."

"Exactly," Pinkie said, feeling satisfied. "That cake looks so tasty, though." She poked the oven and it began to glow softly. We did not die, so that's ONE.

Ugh, nine more to go with a trap for each one wrong.

"Ooh, this one has to be wrong," Rainbow Dash said, pointing to another one.

It was, in fact a red-coated pony with an orange mane, carrying King Halav into battle against the gnolls. You could see Zirchev by his side riding... is that Twilight's father? You could sort of make out some sort of blue pony being ridden in the background by Petra, but they were up on a hill casting a spell.

"Trixie?" Twilight said in disbelief. "DAD?"

"That's your father?" Rainbow Dash said. "I just noticed Big Mac."

"Who?" I asked.

"My brother. He isn't actually that big, though he is big for a Pony," Applejack said. "I think he'd like this, though." She sounded pleased herself.

"Well, this is definitely a historical error," Twilight said.

"Wait, this is SO blatant, there must be a trick," I said, stopping her hoof.

"Unfortunately, I didn't bring my histories," Twilight said in frustration. "This trip has gone VERY off the plan."

"If you had a real power like Knowledge," Dawn Gleaming said, a little tauntingly, "You would have known to, like I did, which is why I'm in the control room and you're going to die. Or you could just turn back."

"Ain't no turning back," Applejack said. "We made a promise."

Spitfire tried to crowd in. "It's two Unicorns and an Earth Pony," she said. "If this is the Unicorn route, maybe they should all be Unicorns?"

"I don't think Halav, Petra, or Zirchev rode any sentient Ponies," I said. "Applejack, you know Big Mac. Anything wrong with him here?"

She peered at it closely while Twilight illuminated it with her horn. "His cutie mark is wrong."

She pushed him and he glowed softly. "Score," Applejack said proudly.

"Dammit, that was MINE!" Rainbow Dash said. She sounded frustrated.

"Yeah, but I had to finish the job," Applejack said teasingly.

"Come look up near the top with me," Soarin' said to her.

She zoomed up where the rest of us couldn't see well. Spitfire did the same on the other side.

"Of course, if you had my power, you'd already know," Dawn Gleaming taunted Twilight. "You haven't gotten any of these yourself. So much for your studies."

Twilight fumed, pawing the ground.

"Don't let her goad you," I told Twilight. "It's a common trick."

Rarity now sidled up to her and began whispering to Twilight.

Meanwhile, Soarin' now announced, "Hah! Look, Spitfire!"

Spitfire said, "That's an easy one."

We all turned; they were looking at a hidden grotto where a pearl sat on an altar with Water Elves chanting and pouring sea water on it. Twilight came over. "That's the relic of the Water Elves, right? Specially created for them by the Immortal Calista Starbrow?"

"Yes, but it's actually much bigger," Soarin' said. "It's three feet across and they allowed us to witness it being returned to where it is kept in a giant oyster shell, not on an altar," he said. "No one but the keepers and we, the Wonderbolts, know this." He paused. "And, umm... you now."

Spitfire said, "We saw other things too but we won't talk about them, right, Soarin'?" There was just a little edge in her voice.

"Uh, yeah, we won't talk about them," he mumbled. "But it was the only way to get this one, right?"

Twilight rubbed her forehead. "So if you weren't here, we might not have ever gotten this. All the books made it sound like a normal pearl if they mentioned it at all."

Soarin' now touched the pearl with his hoof. It glowed softly.

"Unless, of course, like me, you read Oran Meditor's diaries!," Dawn Gleaming cackled. "Acquired for me by my wonderful little Sammy."

He now laughed and I ground my teeth.

"I wouldn't steal someone else's BOYFRIEND!" Twilight shouted angrily.

Boyfriend? She said diaries. I don't think Oran Meditor has a boyfriend, I think he's married. To a woman, just to be clear. He's the head of the Minrothad Guilds, by the way. IE, he's out to kill me, but not for stealing his diaries.

At least, I don't remember stealing them.

Wait, does she think I have a girlfriend? Who? Surely she doesn't think I'm involved with Helga when she's married or...Dammit, I am missing something.

Rarity mumbled something.

"I didn't steal someone else's boyfriend!" Dawn Gleaming said angrily; I heard a punching noise. "Come on, you stupid machine, punish them!"

No punishment happened.

"As long as we play by the rules, you have to as well!," Pinkie said. "It's the first part of a fun game like this one! I'm just hoping my game will be this cool when we get to it!" She hopped around excitedly.

Keraptis must have some sort of arcane machine, probably tapping the plane of shadows, given his reputation, which controls and reconfigures White Plume Mountain. Interesting.

I could hear a distant laughter.

"Shut up, Keraptis!" Sammy said.

I hear a noise like someone being hit with a pie.

"Pinkamena Diane Pie, you clean up that mess right this minute!" Pinkie barked with a suddenly serious voice.

"Yes, mother," we heard very faintly. After a few seconds of cleaning noises, we heard, "Aargh, you're not my mother!" Whoever it was sounded like a cranky Pinkie.

Pinkie rolled around, laughing.

We all started laughing.

"Shut up, you stupid constructs! You're not even supposed to exist!" Pinkamena shouted.

I frowned. That's what the dragon in my dreams... Marquetta... said to me. Dammit. Though they seem to think we are all fakes and they're the real ones.

"Hmm, could be clone hatred syndrome," Twilight said.

"What's that?" Applejack asked curiously.

"Many wizards clone themselves and put the clone on ice; if they die, it comes out of cold storage and then takes up their life. But if you and your clone are out roaming around at once, eventually, the clone goes mad and wants to kill the original."

"You're the clones!" Pinkamena shouted.

"You wait your turn, this is our trap!" Clarity said.

I now realized Fluttershy had been trying to get our attention the whole time. "Fluttershy?"

"Desert Willow," she said, pointing to a tree in the picture of Brute-men trying to hunt a mammoth, which was standing protectively between them and a baby mammoth. Fluttershy said, "It grows in hot, dry climates. Not ones with huge amounts of snow."

"I agree," Twilight said, sounding relieved.

Fluttershy smiled and touched the tree, which glowed.

"Twilight," Rarity said to her. "Can you date this?" She pointed to a picture of Ponies and humans fighting a huge epic battle by a riverbank. Flags were flying and armies of humans in chain with shield, spear, and shortbows were fighting angry unicorns, earth ponies with spear rigs, and pegasi. It was going badly for the human army, though the carnage was immense on both sides.

"This is the Battle of the East River, 126 AC, in which Duke Swift Hoof Blueblood II led the forces of Whinneychester and the Big Apple province to thwart an invasion by Corin II Anselwind," Twilight said. "Yes, he is the ancestor of the current Duke," she said regretfully to Rarity.

Blueblood. I'd give him a piece of my mind if he was present and if it wasn't probably suicide. Well, I might do it anyway; I've survived worse than an angry noble.

"What about Prance, the Dacoatas, and Mane?" Applejack asked. "I can see why the West and North Marechs would have to guard their own frontiers, but if Darokin was invading..."

"The Duke of Prance was pouting because Celestia would not marry him, so he invaded Sindh to 'avenge an insult'. The Dacoatas each sent only a handful of men," Twilight continued, "arguing they needed the strength to defend against the Buffalo. And the Duke of Mane launched his own invasion of Darokin, hoping to seize Akorros while Darokin's forces were in Equestria." Twilight sounded rather unhappy about the whole mess.

"They INVADED DAROKIN? Why?" Applejack asked, shocked.

"More land meant you could support more Lances of warponies," Twilight said. "And beat up your rivals, take their mares, the usual feudal insanity." She shook her head. "Remember, this is the Dark Age of Equestria. In the aftermath of... that..." she said, pointing to the Alicorn vs. Alicorn battle on the door, "the warponies ruled Equestria, while Celestia was struggling to deal with both the Sun AND the Moon."

"She suffered a Stroke," Ivan said softly. You could hear the capital letter.

"I am not aware of any medical problems," Twilight said hesitantly.

"When one Immortal delivers a heavy blow to another Immortal's followers or to the Immortal's plans, they often suffer a 'Stroke', which robs them of some of their power. Some petty immortals, especially those of Entropy, invest a lot of effort into delivering Strokes to each other," Ivan said. "Everyone assumed it was Nyx trying to deliver a Stroke to Ixion when the sun vanished at the Thyatian Emperor's coronation, but it was that," he said, pointing at the exit door. "Celestia's power dwindled and likely she got censured for something connected to this and had to reduce her involvement in the mortal world."

I stared. It made good sense, but I didn't expect it to come from Ivan of all people. He's not... he's VERY smart about some things, but... oh wait, I guess he's been studying Immortality because he hopes to be one.

Everyone looked at Ivan and each other uncomfortably.

"So the warponies ran the place to suit themselves," Ivan said.

"My father is a warpony and he does not just run riot," Rarity said somewhat tensely to Ivan.

"Your father grew up in a peaceful society which taught him that he is a defender of the innocent and a champion of justice and that he serves the state and the common good," Ivan said. "Duke Blueblood II grew up in a time in which you learned to kick people's ass so you could have a big herd of mares. Young colts either became warponies and served one of the noble stallions in hopes of rising to have their own followers or else became a servant or got driven into the wilderness to die because the family had too many children, right, Twilight?"

She stared at the ground. "Yes."

Now all the other ponies really shifted uncomfortably and avoided looking at Ivan or each other.

"Don't feel bad," Ivan said kindly. "Karameikos was just like that until thirty years ago and even now it's still kind of like that. I could have stayed and been my brother's servant all my life, or I could have joined the army and hoped to rise in the ranks, or I could go out and seek my fortune, like many young colts did then and still do. There's a thousand Duke Bluebloods and Dukes of Prance and Dukes of Mane in my nation's history. Halav, and Petra, and Zirchev may have founded us, but they basically left us to rot while they did... whatever they're doing." He sounded rather bitter. "Wolves on horseback have ruled Karameikos for millenia and what have 'our' immortals done about it? Nothing. We had to be conquered by the Thyatians to get our act together. For all that Duke Stefan is too naive for his own good, he is trying to be a good leader, trying to help everyone. He fails sometimes, because he trusts the wrong people. But he is still better than just about every leader we've had for two thousand years. I don't think any of you realize at all how lucky you are." Okay, VERY bitter.

"Hey, man, I'm sorry," I said. I didn't even realize how frustrated Ivan was about all this. I clapped his shoulder, not knowing what to do.

Ivan basically went down in a tide of ponies trying to comfort him. I nearly got trampled, being in the way. Soarin' and Spitfire both stayed up in the air, but everyone else basically mobbed him.

"I'm sorry," Fluttershy said to him softly, hovering by his head.

"You're not the ones who have been grinding Karameikos underfoot all these years. We did it to ourselves. We fought off the gnolls but our leaders just went on to either ravage everything or fail, over and over and over," he said, sounding frustrated. Then he stopped talking, possibly because he couldn't actually breathe with that many ponies trying to comfort him. Then he started crying, which I could tell embarrassed him intensely.

"I guess I never paid no attention to history, really," Applejack said. "The turnin' of the seasons was all the history I needed, and I do know a few things about agriculture. Seems like history's pretty depressin'."

"It's not all bad," Twilight said. "But some of it can be."

For a while, everyone worked on cheering Ivan up, while I tried to think of something I could do to cheer Ivan up. He's not normally so bitter.

"How did you get out of it?" he finally asked Twilight when the storm of hugs and nuzzles died down.

"Wait... get out of what?"

"Less hugs, more dying!" Dawn Gleaming said. "I can't get back to my studies so long as you're all roaming around loose."

"Dammit, the pie turned into a monster!" I heard evil-Applejack shout. "A shadow monster!"

Keraptis was laughing and I laughed too. I heard an odd noise and we couldn't hear them any more. "There's reasons Keraptis is still around to screw with people after all these centuries," I said, feeling an odd satisfaction from it.

"How did the end of feudalism come in Equestria?" Ivan asked.

"As time passed, the cities grew more prosperous. They attracted those excess young men to work and become craftponies, merchants, and traders. They developed machines which made it much easier for them to do a variety of tasks. While the feudal nobility spent their strength fighting each other, they grew strong. Then, when better outside armies showed up, the disorganized feudal forces could no longer win wars. Peace with the buffalo also reduced the need for decentralized military forces which could respond quickly to buffalo stampedes. They would eventually be replaced by our modern army and the nobility now dwindled in power and became courtiers, waiting on Princess Celestia," Twilight said.

Now that, I basically knew. Though now I wonder how much of it was Princess Celestia's maneuvers and how much was shifts in economic power. Farm yields are harder to increase than industry in the cities if you have someone to sell to. I suspect craftponies like Rarity did as much to end feudalism as Celestia did.

I now realized I was patting Rarity's back, as if she herself had ended feudalism. She looked at me and smiled and I smiled back at her. I think we'd been thinking the same thoughts.

"Rarity, why did you ask about the date?" I asked. Best we get back to the puzzle before monsters get unleashed to up the stakes.

Rarity turned to the picture NEXT to it, which showed a human woman busy operating a sewing machine. If you looked carefully, she was making the banner which was flown by the human leader in the next scene. "The sewing machine was invented MUCH later than this, and few humans have them even now; they were invented to help earth ponies and pegasi sew, since they can't use magic for it like I do. And even I find some sewing easier with one." Some sewing machines are magical but most are operated by a foot pump. (Magical ones are becoming pretty common in Glantri.) Earth ponies especially love them because they can operate a foot pump until the cows come home without getting tired. Equestria is more mechanized than a lot of countries because it's hard for ponies to do a lot of things without hands. The Darokinians and Minrothad Guilds have bought up or copied a lot of Pony tech, though. And sometimes invented things useful for the Ponies. They both go where the money is.

Rarity touched the sewing machine and it glowed. She smiled proudly.

"Good job," Twilight said, though one of her eyes twitched a little. Ponies often handle being outdone in their specialty or having it fail... badly.

"I couldn't have done it without your help," Rarity said graciously. "I did not know when this might be."

"Is the battle laid out correctly? It may have something too," I told Twilight.

She began studying it intently.

Spike burped and coughed up a letter. He passed it to Twilight. It was from 'Owlicious', who seems to be another assistant of Twilight. I wonder how he and Spike get on.

"The Falchion of Minroth is a Nithian style weapon," Twilight said. "It's a kind of sword with a curve at the end of the blade. Minroth was a mighty warrior and he lead the colonization of what is now the Minrothad Guilds by the Nithians. He later became the Immortal patron of the Isles, encouraging the five races to cooperate: human, elf, halfling, dwarf, and pony."

"Sphere of Matter," Ivan said. "He watches over his people." Ivan sounded rather frustrated about this.

Man, it's like Halav stole his girlfriend or something. I patted his shoulder. "We can jack Halav's chariot one day, man."

"I'm surprised we haven't already," he mumbled and we both laughed.

"What does it mean to 'jack' something?" Applejack asked curiously. "In that sense? My name indicates I'm really good with apples, but you seem to use it different."

"Differently," Rarity said a little pedantically just before Twilight could say it.

"Short for 'hijack'," I said. "Halav has a sacred chariot from the gnoll wars."

Rainbow Dash laughed loudly and we all stared at her. "I'm just imagining Ivan cruising around in a holy chariot with Applejack pulling it at high speed while Halav tries to chase you on foot."

"He'd never catch us," Applejack said proudly. "Not that stealin' someone's chariot is a good idea. Living well is the best revenge, Ivan."

Ivan's thoughtful look made me suspect Applejack would end up helping him to steal Halav's chariot one way or another.

Damn, I bet she could make that thing... "Hey, they should have been in chariots in that picture."

"Maybe it has two flaws in it?" Ivan said.

"You can't touch the absence of something," Twilight said. "I think."

"We can come back to it if we can't find the others," I said.

Searching now resumed.

************

Spike found a problem with a dragon's head. Spitfire touched something and couldn't explain why but she was right. I wondered how many secrets the Wonderbolts have. Ivan found an Asterius with a duck on his head. (Don't ask.)

Twilight was vibrating, clearly frustrated that she didn't have the books she needed and people kept finding things before she could. I suddenly wondered if the real goal of this puzzle was to make her explode and make us all ducks on Asterius' head.

Dash suddenly darted over and touched a picture of a triumphant pegasus winning a race. "Midnight Clear never actually won a race, he always came second! It made him CRAZY," she said.

This resulted in a herd of shadowy horses and ponies suddenly conducting their race across the room. I got trampled. Ivan leaped onto the back of one and managed to ride it. Fluttershy, Pinkie, and Twilight all joined me on the floor. Applejack instinctively joined the race and... slammed into the wall when they trampled off into another painting. The Wonderbolts and Rainbow Dash all darted up out of the mob's way.

Damn you, Dash! If you set off a trap, have the decency to get crushed with the rest of us!

Twilight began to titter disturbingly. "You could have ASKED someone, you know! I could have told you that Midnight Clear DID win a single race, in 857! But the prize was lost in a storm, to her frustration."

"But I thought..."

"Thinking is not your strong point!," Twilight said angrily. "Of course, I read up on Midnight Clear because I knew you admired her, but you never read the book I got you about her! I spent a lot of time trying to find a good book for you!"

"I read most of it," Rainbow Dash mumbled. "But the last part was all words in tiny print."

"Hey, I would have already gotten mine, but Applejack STOLE MY... thing. Whatever we'd call it!" Rainbow Dash said angrily.

"Hey, I had to find the problem, you just pointed me the right way," Applejack protested.

"Ask someone before you jump in!," Twilight shouted at her.

"Twilight, dear, fighting each other won't help, even if it is practice for when we have to fight our evil twins," Rarity said.

"We're not evil, we're BETTER," Dawn Gleaming said. "Of course, a Twilight Sparkle is the sign the day is dying and on its last legs," she said gleefully. "You're too busy helping other people to keep up on your studies. Which you are GETTING IN THE WAY OF MINE."

I had to do something terrible.

And possibly suicidal.

Twilight mumbled something about helping people, eyes starting to glow. Everyone backed up and got nervous, though I could see Pinkie steeling herself to step in.

I am definitely going to die if Pinkie is worried about intervening.

I dropped to my knees next to Twilight as she gathered breath and I whispered to her, "I'm sure Erik loved it when you took time away from your studies to help him, and he loved helping you. Didn't you enjoy that? I know I enjoy studying with you too."

Playing on a young woman's feelings is a terrible thing.

But the alternative is blowing up.

She was still breathing hard, but she was listening.

"Remember, pony magic is about Friendship," I told her softly. "It's when you work with your friends that you are strongest. You have a right to be proud of your mind. But you're our leader. You have to be strong. You know how Celestia governs. She doesn't thrust herself forward and do it all. She knows when she has to lead, like you and the water. And when to find the right pony for the job. You want to be like Celestia, right?" THAT sunk home. Celestia rules with a delicate touch. I admire that.

Spike now simply silently hugged Twilight and I felt her relax.

She then did an odd thing with her tongue, like... she was using her teeth to count something off? I guess with no fingers, you have to do that. Her eyes widened, and then suddenly she looked triumphant.

"Dash, look at the picture again. Study who is in the race," she said. "Marcus..." She began studying the pictures.

And then I saw it. The owlbear killing a man who I dimly remembered being. Somehow. Thick beard, dark hair, olive skin. Dmitri Ilyanovich. You could see him, his legs tangled in vines in the Malpheggi as he stumbled out of quicksand, and now an owlbear flew down silently and attacked him from behind. I remembered that and I don't know how it could be me, but I cringed at the sight. Most owlbears can't fly but this one also had wings. Damn, that's ugly. Silent, deadly flight. He had hardly any gear and what he had was charred.

Twilight's gaze followed mine. Dash was now carefully studying the race picture very carefully.

"You know him?" Twilight asked softly.

It was me. I don't understand how, this man was not some kind of construct, but... right? He doesn't look like a flesh golem or anything.

To my surprise, Rarity was now at my side and I put a hand on her back. I felt my nerves unclench a little. "Shouldn't it not have wings?" Rarity asked.

"Certain rare ones have more owl in them and have wings," I said. "They're extremely dangerous because they can fly utterly silently."

"Yeah," Spike said. "You never hear Owlicious coming." He shivered.

"He's an Owl?"

"Would anyone not an owl name themselves that?" Spike asked me.

Okay, probably not. I studied it. This must be the one for me.

Twilight's shift of attitude was surprising. She'd gone from two inches from a nervous breakdown to a sudden confidence. She believed I would find the answer. Which, if Dash did her thing right, would mean all of us BUT her had solved one, though she'd helped many of us.

It's a Friendship test, I realized. I'd just been trying to calm her down, but, in fact, this was a test to put pressure on her to see if she snapped and had a freak out. With her power... that could be ugly.

And because I know how to manipulate people, I had been able to save her from herself. And because I wanted to help her, because she is my friend. None of the others study with her, except Spike. They know how important her learning is to her, but they don't share that love of it, except as it touches their own lives. Because they all have their own specialized knowledge. Twilight can't know everything, much as she'd like to.

Much as I would like to.

I understand her frustration. It's not easy to rely on others. But she is the Element of Magic which means the Element of Friendship. Which is why Celestia has her 'studying' it. The stronger her bonds to others, the stronger she is. She probably can't compete with Dawn Gleaming, if Gleaming really is tied to 'Knowledge' somehow. Not directly.

But then, only fools take people on in their strength. You find their weakness and then you hit them in it.

I can see what Celestia is doing; I just hope Twilight can handle it. That she likes it. I think she does, but...

Of course, I have no right to judge at all, after what I just did. Pushing her feelings around for my own benefit. Mind you, I think I have the right not to die horribly.

I tried to push away the angst. To remember this. Most of the group was watching me, though Applejack was studying the race with Rainbow Dash, talking to her quietly. They seem like good friends to me. Soarin' was trying to help her too.

"You might as well give up, you sad copy," evil me said. "You're just a construct. You're all just copies. Your minds full of holes. But you're more like a twentieth generation copy. It's all wearing out. Hard to remember, right?"

"Be silent, prattler," Rarity said angrily. "You are the copy, and you will be silent and leave Marcus alone."

"Ahah! Bluebonnet wasn't even BORN yet, let alone racing when Midnight Clear was at the top of her game!" Dash said and tapped. Nine glows now.

I tried to remember but my mind didn't want to remember, the claws, the screaming, Yalla screaming...

Yalla?

Someone else was there?

Someone... I could remember a hat. A very nice double-layered hat made from that manticore's hide. She'd feared the dragon's treasure was cursed and by that point, it was just us left.

But she had refused to take any of the treasure. I had finally, reluctantly discarded the last of the treasure and the two of us were trying to make our way down to Port Tenobar. We'd take ship to Thyatis; that would give us enough space.

And then the owlbear showed up. It would have caught her, but I attacked it and... I must have killed it or wounded it enough to drive it off and Yalla must have dragged me to Tenobar to have me raised or reincarnated or something. Had there been a druid?

Maybe. Yalla liked druids.

"He didn't die like this, he died saving his companion, a halfling named Yalla from the owlbear," I said firmly, then pushed the painting where she SHOULD have been. Her outline glowed and now there was a humming noise.

"How could you even know that? I didn't even know that one, the machine picked it out!," Dawn Gleaming said angrily.

"I knew that one," Sammy said.

Clarity laughed softly. "Well done," she said. "Hard work is rewarded."

"Don't CONGRATULATE them," Dawn Gleaming said angrily.

"But he knew exactly where to touch. That is precision, and I admire deftness and precision," Clarity said.

Spikey made a growling noise.

"You know you're my favorite dragon, yes you are," Clarity said and now they cooed at each other.

Spike's eyes crossed.

"Now you just open the door and come through," Dawn Gleaming said wearily.

"Once I disarm it," Twilight said. "I studied both of these incidents," she continued. "This is something I am an expert on." She touched Nightmare Moon's head. "Her helmet is wrong." Then she touched the priest behind the Emperor. "He's dressed in a sixth century style."

Now the door swung open. "Knowledge is power... but Friendship means I have access to the knowledge of everyone I know, not just my own," Twilight said. "Come on, everyone. This dungeon isn't going to defeat itself."

The sound of Dawn Gleaming pouting and Sammy trying to comfort her ushered us out of the room and off down a hallway towards our next doom... room.

*****************

Rainbow Dash pulled me back and whispered to me, "What did you say to her? Whatever it was, it calmed her right down."

"I just reminded her about how her element is Friendship," I said. "And how trying to go head to head with someone when they're better by definition isn't wise. Better to find a way where YOU are stronger."

Rainbow Dash said, "Yeah, but what if they're better at your strong point?"

"Everyone has weaknesses," I said. "Obviously, if you're playing a sport or something, you may not be able to exploit those weaknesses." This is why I don't play sports. "But the rest of the time, it's best to be like water and flow around obstacles." That was my favorite saying from my brief attempt to be a monk.

Hitting gongs with my head did not bring me to enlightenment, however.

I thought about Dmitri. How old am I? I don't seem to be getting any older, whatever is happening to me. Dammit, what IS going on?

"See, I know someone who is a really good athlete," Rainbow Dash began.

"I'm sure Applejack would be happy to help you improve your skills," I told her.

"..."

It was pretty obvious, really.

"See, she c..." Rainbow Dash looked at me, then sighed. "We never did quite settle which one of us is the better athlete."

"A good rivalry helps you both improve," I told her. "Anyway, I'm not a specialist like you ponies, so I have to be flexible and find ways to turn weaknesses on people because I never win head-to-head. Even at cards, which I'm good at, I have to outthink people to win."

"Doesn't that mean you're a specialist at out-thinking people?" Rainbow Dash said, grinning.

"I..."

Okay, she has me there.

"I never thought of it like that. Thanks, Rainbow Dash." I couldn't help smiling a little.

For some reason, Rainbow Dash looked at her Cutie Mark, then cracked up. "Is it really true humans never get any kind of sign what their place in life is?"

"Totally true," I told her.

"That must make deciding what to do with your life once you're not a kid hard," Rainbow Dash said.

"A lot of people just do what their parents did," I told her. "But some of us, like Ivan and I, spend our lives searching for it, and we may or may not ever find it."

"Well, I hope you do," Rainbow Dash said, patting my shoulder.

"Me too," I told her.

Right now, though, I'm going to worry about NOT DYING.

***************

I touched my hat, reminding me of how I now have the most awesome hat in the party, though Applejack's remains a work of simple elegance, well suited for her. I will not stare at it lest my hat grow jealous, of course.

Rarity made a happy noise as we went up the stairs together. I smiled at her. "Thank you again. It brings me peace of mind."

I heard Soarin' say to Rainbow Dash, "I think the hat is his girlfriend." My love for hats is PURE, not carnal, I will tell you!

But I just laughed and so did Rarity. She made a come hither gesture and I leaned down and she said softly, "I think they make a good couple, don't you?"

"Marcus can be a little weird, but I think he has a crush on me, actually," Rainbow Dash said to Soarin', thinking no one would hear, but I heard. "But we're not, you know, an item," she said very quickly. "I dunno what Twilight was thinking."

"Yes," I said softly to Rarity. Evenly matched in not understanding the universe, anyway.

What was Twilight thinking? Or maybe it was just because... I don't know.

Does she think...

I could see Spike glaring at me. I can see why, given he has a crush on Rarity. I can't believe I took so long to notice.

Rarity looked thoughtful.

"What's on your mind?" I said to her.

"We should talk, when this is over and we can get some privacy," she said to me.

"Okay," I told her. "Your company is quite delightful to me, fair lady Rarity."

She smiled a small smile. "You are a flatterer, Marcus."

"It's my nature," I said. "I think Marquetta must have told them we are constructs. She called me a failed experiment when she invaded my dreams."

"She didn't call me that but she did try to bribe me," Rarity said, frowning. "As if I was for sale. Admittedly, it was a very pretty pile of treasure." A single drop of sweat rolled down her cheek. "But I am not so easily bought," she said firmly.

I frowned. Why me? Dammit, what is going on? I'd just kind of settled into my rut of chaos, but now, I have the feeling I've been missing something. Like how I keep not dying.

"Anyway, I don't think you are an experiment, and if you are, I'd consider it a successful one," she said, then patted my leg.

"Thanks, Rarity," I told her. "You flatterer, you."

We smiled at each other. It's nice to know someone who knows how to play the game.

My brain chose NOW to suddenly put various pieces together. Twilight has shapeshifting magic. Dawn Gleaming and Sammy apparently use it when they want to bump rump, as Pinkie would put it. Twilight learned a rite which summons human clothing and probably others.

...

My brain then chose this moment for a DAMN FLASHBACK.

I still hate them.

**************

Lyra was one of my students, who had a turquoise coat and cyan mane. She was about to graduate from the school; she was a bardic specialist but she was also my best student. I'd noticed the bardics tended to have the most interest in Humanics, in part because I used a lot of music for my teaching. I'm terrible, but my students love to sing. And things like epic lays really seemed to hook them.

Lyra also was more bipedal than most ponies. Though she'd wander around on all fours out of class, in class, she went around bipedally and used an actual chair with her desk, which got a lot of stares.

"So how are things with you and Octavia, Lyra?" I asked her after class; I was about to head over to Twilight's place for the usual evening of work. Lyra was seeing one of the royal musicians, Octavia, an Earth Pony double-bass player.

"We're pals, Professor Erik," she said cheerfully.

"Just pals?" I asked; it was pretty clear Octavia wanted more than that. And I'd certainly seen them kissing, though Octavia got very embarrassed over such things in public.

"Yeah, it's nothing serious," Lyra said.

"I think Octavia thinks it's serious."

"We both know how it goes," Lyra said sagely, ambling along beside me. She began playing her harp as we walked, a marching song from Darokin.

"The Ballad of the Far Sellers," I told her.

"Yeah! I have a cousin, works for the Darokin Diplomatic Corps. He gets to see EVERYTHING." Lyra had a dreamy look in her eyes.

I knew where this was going. I'm sorry, Octavia. I think you're in love with someone who has the wandering bug. I was like that for a long time, but I think... I may actually stick around here a good while.

Having roots felt weird, and I missed seeing Helga and Ivan. But Helga was married now and Ivan was off on some 'secret important thing'. Also, Princess Carnelia can't kill me here when I am under Princess Celestia's protection.

I hope.

"Well, you should make sure Octavia understands, so you don't end up finding out how hard an Earth pony can kick."

Really damn hard, that's how hard.

There was a sudden glimmering around us and sparkles of light flew through the air. It was Moondancer, one of the advanced bardic students. Like Twilight, she hadn't been satisfied with the basic degree, but had stayed on to do advanced studies. She sometimes does... something or another with Princess Celestia which is top secret but which she cannot resist bragging about obliquely. Moondancer had a white coat with a black mane and the crescent moon on her flank. Her mane, however, had star-like flecks of silver in it.

Moondancer was dancing to the Ballad of the Far Sellers, leaping around us; her magic makes her as nimble as an Earth Pony and seems to produce star dust and moonglow when she dances. That's what she says, anyway.

"Hello, Moondancer," I said to her.

"Hello, Professor Erik," she said. "Don't mind me, I was inspired by Lyra's performance."

Lyra grinned. "Come on, Professor, sing."

"I might drive you deaf," I warned them.

I know a fair number of songs. BADLY. But for some reason, my students want me to sing.

I guess everyone needs something to laugh at.

o/~ Another day, another city,

o/~ Another horizon beckons to me.

o/~ Though home calls to me,

o/~ I must leave it behind.

Lyra sang softly, but I doubt even Moondancer could hear it; I had to carry it.

Unfortunately, given Lyra's singing voice is maybe ten times better than mine. But for some reason, Lyra wanted me to lead.

Moondancer circled us as we walked along, me singing, Lyra playing and singing faintly, wrapping a haze of moonglow and stardust around us. Other ponies turned and looked at us and I felt somewhat embarrassed.

o/~ Faithful wagon, carry me far

o/~ Faithful wagon, follow that star

o/~ You haul my goods and my fortune too

o/~ For I am a Far Seller

o/~ A traveler on the sea of fate

o/~ The needs of others beckon me

o/~ And I cannot be late.

Several of Moondancer's friends ran up and joined us now, dancing along with her, some of them singing as well, counter-point to my point, their high pitches to my low.

o/~ I've got twenty miles to go by twilight's gleaming.

o/~ Those distances can be deceiving.

o/~ The wheels go round and round,

o/~ Hauling me from town to town

Several of Lyra's friends joined us now, adding a flute, drums, and a violin to the mix. This song is usually played on the flute, violin, and drums, so this was perfect.

Suspiciously perfect. I smell a plot.

We reached the central plaza of the school with a fountain; classroom buildings ring it and beyond it are various dorms. Including the faculty building I live in. Tons of students were here, but now about half of them joined us to sing, dance, or play the chorus.

o/~ Faithful wagon, carry me far

o/~ Faithful wagon, follow that star

o/~ You haul my goods and my fortune too

o/~ For I am a Far Seller

o/~ A traveler on the sea of fate

o/~ The needs of others beckon me

o/~ And I cannot be late.

Then Octavia came out with the rest of the Royal Orchestra (which is remarkably small, consisting of a harpist, a double-bassist, a piano player, and a tuba player). Now we had everyone singing and dancing.

Okay, Lyra DEFINITELY planned this.

The next part was more complicated; the men would sing a line and then the women would carry the secondary chorus.

o/~ Rockhome makes machines

o/~ Haul them to Equestria

o/~ Equestria delves for silver

o/~ Haul them to Karameikos

o/~ Karameikos weaves the woolens

o/~ Haul them to the Northern Reaches

o/~ The Northern Reaches plunder some gold

o/~ Haul them to Rockhome

o/~ And then the circle starts again!

I half-expected to see Celestia come out and join us, but instead, Twilight confronted us all.

"STOP!" she shouted and we all fell silent.

"This is a school! People cannot study if they are singing and dancing! If other people are so loud no one can hear themselves THINK." Twilight was quite passionate about this. "Erik, what are you doing? Why are you encouraging this?"

"It's a lesson," I said, throwing myself on the bomb. "This is a classic human song which teaches all about trade routes and products in a fun way." And now Lyra owes me.

Twilight looked utterly flummoxed. "I... well..."

"Anyway, to continue the lesson..."

"You'd better come study with us," Lyra said deadpan to Twilight. "Or you might get behind."

Twilight yelped and leaped over to us, licking her lips nervously. "I will do my best," she mumbled.

"Of course you will," I told her. She always does.

o/~ Faithful wagon, carry me far

o/~ Faithful wagon, follow that star

o/~ You haul my goods and my fortune too

o/~ For I am a Far Seller

o/~ A traveler on the sea of fate

o/~ The needs of others beckon me

o/~ And I cannot be late.

There are ten more verses. Suffice it to say, we were dancing a long time. Spike joined us around the time the caravan reached Wendar; he'd put on a top hat and suit and had a cane and did his own dance routine, which everyone forced me to join him in. I'm not too comfortable dancing in public, though I can at least handle a formal dance. It's a great place for hitting on women.

But this kind of show routine, it's not my strength.

Twilight has a good singing voice for someone who says she hates to sing, I will note.

Finally, I fell down and Spike fell onto my stomach. I hardly felt it. "I am so tired."

Worse, the ponies were not tired, though they were kind of sweaty. Except for Twilight, who flopped down next to me.

"Erik, this lesson nearly killed me," she mumbled.

"Me too, but you'll never forget those trade routes now," I told her.

"And neither will I," Celestia said.

....

Twilight leaped to her feet, wobbled and had to be propped up by Lyra, who was grinning. Octavia now helped prop me up and Moondancer helped Spike. Mind you, we then all fell down when we tried to bow to Celestia.

She simply sat down by us, so everyone sat down. "My little ponies, it pleases me greatly to see you all so happy. Erik, I greatly enjoyed your lesson. I am glad to see so many happy students as well. And Twilight, my dear student, you performed very well. You too, Spike."

"I did my best," Twilight said, smiling goofily.

Spike said to the grass, "Thanks, your highness."

"It was everyone together," I said, trying to fake humility. I couldn't help but smile, though.

"Can you do the Saga of Ottar the Just?" Celestia asked. "It being a song of your homeland, I'm sure you must know it."

I am going to DIE. Ottar the Just was the founder of Vestland, overthrowing the tyrannical rule of the Ostlanders about three hundred and seventy-five years ago. The Saga of Ottar the Just is SIX HOURS LONG.

"We can do a selection from it," I said. "The full thing is so long, we'd all miss dinner and you would have to leave for the moon rise ceremony."

"Where are we starting, Erik?" Twilight whispered to me. "Maybe with his big speech to King Finnbogi's representatives?" Finnbogi, of course, was the King of Ostland who Ottar revolted against.

"Okay, I will be Ottar, Spike, I want you to be King Finnbogi's men, Twilight, you will be Inga, Lyra, you are the narrator.." I began assigning roles. Inga, as I'm sure you know, was Ottar's wife the rune-crafter. She it was who forged his mighty sword Rettsvesen and carved upon it the runes of justice, strength, and victory. Most of the ponies would be the chorus, but there were a lot of roles. Octavia began organizing the musicians more coherently. Moondancer got the dancers ready.

I do not actually know how I stayed functional; the second we stopped for Celestia to go to the moon raising ceremony (taking Moondancer with her), even the bardic students had to sit down and rest. I sprawled out under the sky as the stars began to come out. Twilight identified them all, one by one. Well, not all, but the major ones. This got harder and harder as more came out and by the end, she was panting for breath.

"Lyra," she said. "I need to collaborate with you on our project for a while."

I didn't know they had a project together.

"Sorry, Professor," Lyra said to me. "We have to go make out."

"WE ARE NOT MAKING OUT!" Twilight shouted and everyone looked at her.

Octavia just laughed and kissed Lyra, then rolled to her hooves. She got her double-bass. "We have to perform again in an hour, but it was worth it. See you later, dear."

"See ya, Octavia! You're still the prettiest pony in Canterlot," Lyra said with that winning smile of hers.

Octavia turned red, said something incoherent, then summoned her dignity. "Thank you, Lyra," she said, then her group headed out.

"Spike, wanna just lie here until we die?" I said to him.

"Sounds like a plan, Professor," he said.

"I'll make sure he gets to bed," I told Twilight. "At the usual time."

"I don't need to be tucked in! I am not a baby any more!" Spike shouted.

Yes, you are, Spike. But you're a good guy.

"He can only have three donuts or he will take forever to get to sleep, Erik," Twilight told me.

"I know," I told her. "I remember last week." He ate an entire box of donuts. He didn't fall asleep until dawn, then he was cranky for two days.

"Okay, see you later, Erik," Twilight said to me.

"See you later, Twilight," I said to her.

"Thanks, Prof," Lyra whispered to me, then cantered over to Twilight. "Come, fair Twilight, I will show you the wonders of the night life. We will make a song they will remember forever!" She swept her arms grandly.

Lyra is a GIANT ham who over does everything.

"We're just STUDYING," Twilight said urgently, glancing back at us.

"Have fun! I'll see you when I remember how to stand up!" I shouted.

When they were gone, Spike said, "It's nice having a guy to hang out with."

"Yeah, I know," I told him. Spike's kind of... dragons mature weirdly. Sometimes he's like a little kid and sometimes he is rather grown up. But he's fun to be around. "Any chance you could send a letter to have food delivered to us?"

"Best idea ever," he said.

*****************

"Please tell me I didn't zone out for too long," I said to Rarity.

Rarity started. "I'm sorry, I was having a flashback," she said, embarrassed. "I think. Well, I'm not sure what that was."

Pinkie was freaking out for some reason, bouncing upside down on her head, I think. "Why am I sensing singing and dancing when I can't hear or see any?" she said, agitated. "And why wasn't I invited?"

"No, Pinkie, WAIT," Ivan said.

Then Pinkie bounced onto a pit trap and fell in.

The rush of wind from Rainbow Dash in action threw us all against the walls, but she saved Pinkie from plummeting down into very hot water, a hundred and fifty feet down. Steam rose until Ivan closed and locked the trap.

I stared in surprise. She... has really good reaction time, I see.

Rainbow Dash was grinning.

"I'm sorry, I was... I'm not sure what it was but it had singing and dancing," Rarity said, sounding a little embarrassed and frustrated.

"I was remembering singing and dancing too," I confessed.

"Me too," Twilight said.

We all looked at each other.

"Well, I think there were multiple layers of trap," Ivan said. "The unicorns all get entranced, then walk right into the pit trap you were all headed for until Pinkie freaked out."

"It was strange, I was watching you and some... that must have been Erik," Rarity said. "He was blond, right?"

"Yes, it was the time we all performed part of the Saga of Ottar the Just for Celestia," Twilight said, eyes wide. "I was soo tired and Erik and Spike couldn't even move." She rubbed her forehead. "Did you see it all?"

I felt a little better knowing it was a trap and not creeping senility. Then WORSE, knowing that Rarity had seen... well, okay, she saw nothing to indicate that was ME.

"I saw it too," I said. "But I didn't see you, Rarity."

"I was watching from an upstairs window in... some building," Rarity said.

"I was on the east side; I think I was in a lab." I think that building had labs.

"Stupid trap, TRAP ME TOO NEXT TIME!" Pinkie said, shaking her fist at the wall. "I missed something cool!"

"That was Lyra as the narrator, right?" Rarity said.

"Yes," Twilight said. "She was dating Octavia at the time. I'm not sure what happened but shortly after I moved to Ponyville, she did too and I guess she and Octavia must have broken up as I see her with Bon-Bon all the time now."

Do not comment, I told myself.

Still, I suspect I know what Twilight's 'secret project' was.

Dammit.

Well, I can't change the past. And we have to focus or we'll fall in the next trap.

Ivan grabbed me. "Focus, Marcus! Unless you enjoy stepping into traps."

It was a dart trap this time.

I felt quite embarrassed.

**************

Applejack sat on me, smirking just a little. "No hat for you, sugarcube."

"It's so pretty," I mumbled, hating myself for wanting it so much, especially when I have this very fine hat Rarity made me.

The fact that Pinkie was sitting on Rarity helped. "It would look so nice on my head," she mumbled.

"Eight traps," Ivan said to Twilight. "Three magical."

They began slowly disarming the traps. "I think the hat is magical," Twilight said to Ivan.

"Oooh, can it make cakes?" Pinkie asked.

"The magic's probably a trap," Applejack said.

"It's bait," Ivan said, cutting open the pillar it stood on with my magic sword. He paused and studied it. It was not curved at the end; I'd thought about that too. But I am pretty sure I... got this... somewhere... DAMMIT.

"Hey, Twilight, any chance this thing is shapeshifted?" he asked Twilight.

"Command it to show it's true form," she said.

It shimmered and turned into a blade with a curved end. I could feel a flashback trying to come on. Damn you, flashbacks, I won't let you take me!

"I promise you, I won't go for the hat if you let me up," Rarity said to Pinkie.

"Can't take that chance," Pinkie said.

She tried to telekinese Pinkie and failed.

"Marcus, are you about to hallucinate singing and dancing?" Pinkie asked me.

"Not if I can help it," I said, gritting my teeth. Damn you, flashbacks!

"It might help to remember whatever your brain is trying to tell ya," Applejack said. "Lying to yourself isn't healthy."

I felt something... scrying... a moving eye...

"Turn it back," I said hastily to Ivan, who did so. "I think Marquetta might sense it if it isn't disguised."

He did so but he continued to use it to disarm the traps.

"So you were Dimitri," Ivan said to me as he worked.

"I guess I was, though I don't know how that's possible." I sighed. "Maybe I am some kind of construct."

"It doesn't matter," Rarity said. "To be the work of someone's hands is a good thing, not a bad one. And you are a fine work of craftsmanship." Her voice was firm. "Pinkie, PLEASE let me up," she said, starting to whine. Pinkie's eyes crossed. "I am scuffing up my coat and you're wrinkling my hair and I can smell the cupcakes on your breath."

Pinkie's eyes crossed.

"Hold on," Applejack said. "Don't let her buck you."

"I can smell the concrete and... achoo!" Now she sneezed.

"It's granite, actually," Pinkie said. "As you might expect. I'm hoping for some obsidian."

"So does this thing have any special tricks?" Ivan asked Twilight.

"If it can disguise itself as a mundane weapon, it probably can only use its powers when fully revealed, which would at the very least, draw Minroth's attention," Twilight said. "Which might not be a bad thing."

"I think we might get Marquetta in our face and on our case if we did that," I said.

"I'm surprised Minroth hasn't gone looking for it by now," Twilight said.

"Maybe he has but he can't find it," I said. "So what does the hat do, Twilight?"

"Hat of Disguise," Twilight said. "Limited shapeshifting, changes your clothing if you have any. I could look like any pony, you could look like any human."

"You should give it to Marcus," Rarity said. "He could..."

"You should give it to Rarity; I have a fine hat she made me," I said. I wanted that hat SO MUCH, but I didn't want to insult Rarity by rejecting the hat she made me by hand even if... dammit.

Rarity smiled. "Thank you, Marcus."

"Only once it's safe," Twilight said; I could see her picking the weaves apart around the hat, faster than I could follow or hope to accomplish. I am jealous of her skills, I have to admit.

It's easy to see why Celestia has chosen her for eventual immortality. I suppose she'll do the one where you have to convince all the other mages near you to kiss your ass. Or if Celestia is up to the crazy shit I think she is... something no one's ever seen before.

The Hat was soon carefully removed and placed on Rarity's head. "You can let me up now, Pinkie," Rarity said.

"What? I'm sorry, I was suffering song and dance deprival. Since no one invited me to their flashback!" Pinkie said, pouting.

"Fine, you can come to my next flashback," Twilight said.

"YAY!"

Hug time now.

I helped Rarity up and we adjusted the hat. Then she turned herself into Applejack. She laughed. "This is fun." Then she became... a sort of high society version of Applejack. Elaborately curled and coiffed hair, a fancy light blue ballgown and everything. "I can use this to test out dress designs!," she squealed, delighted.

"I bet that's what evil Applejack looks like," Rainbow Dash mused.

"I wasn't evil, just a naive kid," Applejack mumbled.

"You used to look like that?" I said, surprised.

"Well, like that but younger," Applejack said. "I tried the high society thing but... it wasn't me." She sighed. "It wasn't all bad, but there was a lot of faking that I didn't enjoy and I don't know how Manehattanites avoid starvin' to death."

"Hmm..." Rarity said. POOF. She now looked like Celestia. "Hello, my little ponies."

Everyone laughed and bowed.

"I will have to thank Keraptis, this is absolutely smashing," Rarity said. Her eyes widened. "I can look clean and tidy even when I am not!" Bling, instant clean.

"You look great, Rarity," Spike said. "Do your gala dress."

Bling, instant fancy red dress. "Thank you, Spike, an excellent choice. Hah. Hahaha!" Rarity began laughing happily and I couldn't help but laugh.

I just hope it isn't some kind of trap.

************

"I do not need to be sat on," Twilight said, irritated, as several ponies loomed over her, ready for sitting.

It was, in fact, a library, full of books, some of which I would have wanted for myself if I was sure they weren't all traps. Ivan and I were carefully checking everything. Twilight was as well.

"Oooh, chess puzzles," Soarin' said, studying several books.

"You're into chess?" I asked.

"It's a lot of fun and I like chess puzzles, though I'm not great at them."

"Chess puzzles?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Yes, they usually involve deducing how the board got to its current state with a set of clues to help you," he said. "It's a lot of fun."

Rainbow Dash looked dubious. Spitfire bobbed about nervously. Spike was studying the books. "Ahah!" he said, pointing to one bookcase. "This is the most important one."

It turned out to have books about boating, rivers, waterways, and the like. "I agree," Twilight said. "Good job, Spike."

Spike smiled brightly.

The library had no exits; we suspected you had to do something with the books, which now appeared to be safe.

Safe if we solve the puzzle, anyway.

"Maybe they need to be in alphabetical order," Pinkie said.

They were rather jumbled up. Keyfus' Age of Sail sat next to Reynauld's Study of Nithian Canoes next to Anabaxius' History of Fourth Century Trade next to the The Little Big Book of Pretty Boats.

Unfortunately, without any clues, it was unclear what to do. "The theme is river," I said. "So there has to be some kind of clue in that."

"Build a raft out of the books," Applejack joked.

Fluttershy studied the books and made a hesitant noise.

"What is it?" Rarity asked her.

"There are no books on river or sea animals or plants. Maybe they have to be filled in from elsewhere?" she said.

We found twenty; adding them got us an audible click. Twilight also sent us looking for other river/water/sea books of which we found twenty two. Click.

Putting them all in alphabetical order got us a click but left some gaps.

A bell now chimed. "FINALLY," Dawn Gleaming said. "Have fun with the wandering monsters!"

Oh bloody hell.

"Say what?" Applejack said.

"Oh, I've never heard a chime announce they were coming but dungeons often have roaming monsters which show up for no good reason," I told her. "I guess this one has a timer."

It was... a giant flying brain with a huge beak and many tentacles. Holding lighting wands. Along with two huge shambling piles of leaves, vines, swamp muck, and for some reason, lightning. "Marcus, Spike, I want you two to finish looking for suitable books and solve this puzzle. We'll deal with the monsters," Twilight said.

Spike and I began searching, while Applejack charged one of the muck monsters. Unfortunately, kicking it got her legs snared inside it and she began getting electrozapped.

The Wonderbolts went for the brain, battering it around and dodging lightning; books began getting zapped but they had it in hand.

Rainbow Dash studied the muck monsters, then zoomed down and began flying around the one that had Applejack, twisting and bending the air. Its lightning began to bend in on itself.

Twilight lit the other one on fire with my spell. Which she'd clearly learned by watching me. I was jealous again. However, the muck monster was soggy enough not to burn well.

Rarity said, "Find what holds it together, and I will shoot it," she said, calling up arrows.

Pinkie now slammed a pie into the face of the other muck monster. It bumbled into a bookcase, knocking it down, then she kicked another bookcase down onto it.

Applejack now got loose and copied Pinkie, laughing she did so. "Sorry, Twilight but need does what needs must!"

What?

Dash now dove into a pile of books and whipped them into a whirlwind, chewing up the muck monster which had hurt Applejack. Including a book I was reaching for.

"Wait!" I said as the book came apart, slicing off the muck monster's limbs.

"Hah! Yes! Now it's time for the BONUS ROUND," Dawn Gleaming said.

The floor vanished and we plummeted towards an inverse step pyramid. Basically a terraced pit descending down to a small space with a door at the bottom. Half the terraces were water tanks full of giant crabs.

Dash grabbed me. Spitfire grabbed Ivan. Soarin' saved Spike. Twilight teleported onto a dry terrace. Pinkie formed into a diving formation and simply plunged laughing into the water. Rarity plunged into a tank, yelling loudly. Fluttershy saved herself and now began flying down to the rest of us. The great brain flying thing flew down after us. The swamp monsters fell into one of the tanks and began having an electrical punchout with some of the giant crabs. Applejack landed on her feet on one of the solid terraces to my surprise. She wobbled a little but was fine.

I wouldn't... well, I won't object.

The flyers deposited Ivan, me, and Spike by Twilight, then took to the sky after the flying brain. I could hear Pinkie thrashing in one of the tanks. Rarity was thrashing in another one, several tiers up from my position. Lightning crackled in another tank as the crab vs. muck monster fight continued.

"Fluttershy, can you take me to Rarity?" I asked.

She flew me over, though I could tell she wasn't great at carrying anyone this heavy. Then she sang a quick song and we both plunged into the water, where Rarity was trying to hold her breath and speargun oncoming crab monsters. I held off one of the creatures while Fluttershy enchanted Rarity. Go druids!

Then we drove back the crabs and clambered out of the tank. Fluttershy was a very fluid swimmer, I noticed, moving very freely and comfortably.

A crab was trying to climb out of its tank and down to Twilight, but she zapped it with a lightning ball and it fell back in its tank. Applejack now jumped down to my level. "Get on," she said.

"I don't think you're big enough," I began.

"Just curl up real tight," Applejack said.

"It was not comfortable but she easily leaped over the next tank and down to Twilight's level. Rarity nearly fell in and Twilight had to drive off a crab.

We actually had to force Pinkie out of the tank where she was trying to teach the crabs to dance. The Wonderbolts and Dash downed the floating brain.

I could hear Keraptis say something.

"This thing had better take pony agility and strength into account when it's time for the other paths or they'll finish in five minutes!" Clarity said, frustrated.

"I'll make it four minutes flat!" Rainbow Dash said.

"Oh really? It's ON," Clarity said to her. "This is going to be the best DEATHTRAP EVER!" She began to laugh.

Rainbow Dash high-hoofed Soarin'. "We are going to NAIL the next one."

I studied the setup. This would have been a pain in the ass for heavily armored humans and the like to get around. But I think our foes or more likely Keraptis' control devices under-estimated us.

That won't happen twice.

*************

I picked up the key and passed it to Twilight. Key number one, two to go. But it's now time for sleeping.

On a stone cold floor in a room close to evil crab tanks; those things click their claws for no reason ALL THE DAMN TIME.

We needed to sleep but were too wired yet to do so, so we basically set up our camp as best we could, posted Applejack, Ivan, and Soarin' as the first guards, then hung out and talked quietly. Rarity kept changing her outfit and accessories with the hat gleefully, with Spike egging her on. Twilight and I both read quietly, though my brain was surging.

"Hey, I'm sorry about your country," Applejack said softly to Ivan, thinking no one would hear.

I heard.

"Not your fault," he said. "I probably made it sound worse than it is, but it could be so much better. It's why I want to become an Immortal, to be a REAL patron to our land. I dunno what Halav, Petra, and Zirchev are doing now, but they left us to rot. I don't know if I can do it, but I have to try."

"What happens if you fail?" Applejack asked.

"Usually, you die trying. In which case, I am going to find Halav and punch him in the nuts," Ivan said.

"So what's Karameikos like this time of year?" Applejack asked. I could tell she was trying to cheer him up. I'll talk to him later.

I suddenly realized Rarity was watching me read for some reason. "How are you, Rarity?" I asked.

"Greatly enjoying myself, darling Marcus," she said with that wonderful voice of hers. "This hat is a marvel."

I smiled. "I know it is."

Twilight nudged me. "Go talk to Rarity," she said. "I'll hold down the book fort."

"You made me disassemble the book fort," Spike grumbled.

I laughed softly. "Was it mighty and strong?"

"It was awesome."

"It was made of all the books on farming, just when Applejack had to come get some," Twilight said. "Anyway, Spike, you can come help me."

"But..."

"Come help me," she said firmly and he grumbled and came over, though I noticed he soon was content with assisting her.

Rarity and I chatted about places we'd been and she told me about Ponyville and more about her family. It was a strangely... not the sort of thing I normally chat about in dungeons. But relaxing.

Then she stood up, which put her head above mine. She looked slightly frustrated, so I got on my knees, which put us roughly level, then looked at her quizzically. She looked around, then whispered in my ear, "What do you know about this Erik, who Twilight had a thing for? That was him in the flashback, right?"

"I don't know any more than you do," I lied. I lied SO MUCH. "Maybe less if you talked to Dona Carlotta, who I think was his girlfriend at some point."

"He cast her as his character's wife in the song," she whispered to me.

OH FUCK ME.

I just picked Twilight because Inga was about as close as a Northwoman gets to being Twilight. But since I was Ottar...

AND she already was thinking about the logistics of dating a human by that point.

Given Celestia's ancestry, she may well have been thinking 'let's see if Twilight falls in love with someone who will get her to go out and make some friends' when she introduced me to her.

"I couldn't figure out if that was deliberate or not," Rarity whispered to me.

ACCIDENT.

"Given he didn't plan that ahead of time, I have to assume that it was an accident, whatever he might have thought in his head," I whispered to her, feeling VERY nervous.

"I was also surprised to see Lyra was there, though I admit I don't know her well," Rarity said. "I knew she was into mares, as she's seeing Bon-Bon. Who you wouldn't know either."

"Some sort of candymaking pony?" I guessed.

"She's from the Province of Prance, yes," Rarity whispered, smiling a little. "She's a candymaker, but she makes her living as one of the ponies who maintains the town's plants," she continued. "Anyway, Lyra..." Rarity searched for words.

"Is very interested in humans?" I said.

"Not romantically... I think...," Rarity said very hesitantly, seeming quite nervous. "But in terms of... culture, history, how they move... Lyra actually uses chairs."

I fought the urge to laugh. "I suppose those benches were for sitting the way you were a minute ago?"

"Yes," she said. "But Lyra sits on them like a human." She was definitely nervous.

How exactly Lyra can do this, I don't know. Ponies don't have the right structure for it, really.

"I got the impression he taught about humans at the school," I told her. I prayed I sounded as calm and looked as calm as I think I do, as I was busy flipping out on the inside. "Which I guess is why he wrote a song about trade routes."

"He seemed far too comfortable with Ponies to run away though," Rarity whispered hesitantly to me. "If he didn't like her romantically, couldn't he have just turned her down? The fact that he ran away when she kissed him makes me think there must have been more to it." She looked thoughtful. "Though Twilight thinks he was afraid that Celestia would get angry and do something terrible to him."

That was among my reasons for fleeing like a screaming maniac, yes. Being drunk pretty much meant all my fears came out and once I had run, I was even more worried about being killed.

It seemed too late to turn back.

In retrospect, if Celestia had really wanted to catch me, I don't think I could have escaped. I'm not sure why she didn't stop me, but Canterlot is deep into Equestria. If she'd wanted a manhunt, I couldn't have made it out of the country.

Mind you, she may have thought I'd go get myself killed and that would be punishment enough. I've certainly... possibly died and reincarnated...

"What exactly did happen?" I asked. If I am not careful, I will show off I know too much.

"I don't know the details, but they got drunk for some reason and she more or less came onto him and he ran way," she said very softly.

I was totally blind and it came out of nowhere for me and I totally panicked. Magnified by being drunk myself.

"I don't think she's normally into humans, as I've seen her staring at stallions some times that she didn't think anyone would notice," Rarity continued.

I suppose from her point of view, though, I was pretty much exactly what she wanted except for being a human. I thought about her comment about how the four of us working on things together in the tent reminded her of being with her parents.

"Are there a lot of unmarried stallions your age in Ponyville?" I asked.

"No, there's a strong tendency for them to either get married and go into business or farming or else to leave town to seek their fortune elsewhere. There's a lot more mares our age than stallions," Rarity said. "And there's a definite dearth of the kind of intellectual I think Twilight wants, though it doesn't stop her finding some men physically attractive, I suspect." Her voice was oddly satisfied about that.

"I suppose Applejack or Big Macintosh will need to marry someone to carry on the family farm," I told her. "Or both. Who actually owns it?"

"Granny Smith owns it but Applejack is the heir," Rarity said, then sighed. "I tried setting up Fluttershy and Big Macintosh one time, but all they did was stare at each other, then Fluttershy panicked and ran away." She sighed dramatically, putting a hoof to her forehead, and I laughed gently.

"He's the shy type too?" I asked.

"Not so much shy as quiet. Uses the fewest words possible," Rarity said. "But he is kind and gentle like Fluttershy. And likes animals." She looked thoughtful. "I should have arranged a picnic, perhaps." She shook her head.

"Fluttershy strikes me as someone who would need a lively boyfriend," I told Rarity. "Like a male version of Rainbow Dash or Applejack. Who would pull her out of her shell. And whose most overactive tendencies she could moderate."

"So you think opposites attract?" Rarity asked me.

"You need common interests or else there is nothing once the physical rush wears off," I told her. "But I... well, I may be projecting."

"Project away," she said to me.

"My experience is that people who are very good at something are attractive and people also like those who have qualities they admire but don't have themselves. But that may just be me universalizing my own preferences," I told her.

Rarity smiled at that, looking pleased. "Flatterer," she said.

"I speak only the truth," I told her. "I'm surprised you don't have stallions all over you." I paused. "Figuratively speaking."

"Oh, I have a fair number of gentleman admirers," she said, smiling even more. I can tell she enjoys that. "I just..." She sighed, then stared at the ground.

"You don't have to talk about it," I whispered. I don't want to make her uncomfortable.

"It is a little too easy to become intoxicated by your own good looks," she said softly. "I very much had this dream of fairytale romance with a prince."

I thought about Dona Carlotta and I. "Doesn't everyone?" I told her softly.

She stared into my eyes. Then her gaze softened. "Well, you know enough to put the pieces together," she said, turning and studying my shoulder.

I scritched her behind the ears, hoping Ponies like it as much as dogs and cats do. Her happy noise made it clear this was so. "I understand," I told her. "Fairy tales gloss over all the difficulties and the realities of it all. Ivan would probably laugh at you, given what he said, but I won't. I would expect there are Pony princes less wretched than Blueblood, though."

"I've tried to focus on my work," she said, still talking to my shoulder, though she looked happier now.

I suddenly felt this death stare of doom. Like someone was trying to destroy my head with their eyes.

Hi, Spike.

I can tell Rarity likes Spike, but doesn't 'like' Spike, if you know what I mean.

My first crush didn't like me either, but at least Rarity is unlikely to soak Spike's underwear in poison ivy. There was a TON of it near where I grew...

Dammit, my brain is trying to tell me I used to be an Elf again.

Though if I was reincarnated from being Dmitri...

"Marcus?" she said softly, worried. Then she super-whispered, "Spitfire is staring at us for some reason."

She'd been eying me that other time, too. I don't get it.

Unless she suspects I am Erik, which is certainly possible and likely means my life will be very short.

"Probably just bored, since Soarin' is busy flirting with Rainbow Dash," I said softly to Rarity.

She nodded, then yawned. "I think I had better sleep."

"Me too," I told her, yawning.

She got us each a pillow and we laid down on the stone floor as best we could, then threw a blanket over us and tried to sleep, which wasn't easy as in the next room, several tanks worth of giant crabs kept clicking their claws ALL THE TIME.

But eventually, I passed out.

*************

I awoke from dreams of Celestia riding on Rarity's father trying to find me to kill me, when I heard footsteps near me. Only Spike can make actual footsteps or Ivan, but I could see Applejack, Ivan, and Soarin' at the door, keeping watch with a light spell in a box. Basically, you aim the open top the way you want the light to go, namely the door.

Enough of it reflected that I could see Spike had a top hat and a cape and a suit on, and was stalking towards me, vampire style, cape in front of his face, revealing only his eyes. And his stylish hat. He had something hidden behind the cape, so I let him get close to me. He kneeled down and produced a glass of water.

...

Then he began to slowly drag my hand towards it, glancing at the guards, who were oblivious to him and looked bored out of their skulls.

Oh, THAT trick. I assumed he was going to throw water on my face or something.

I turned, curling up facing the other way, forcing him to circle me. Then I rolled over, so he had to circle me AGAIN.

Pinkie's tail began twitching in her sleep.

This time, I cast a little spell and yanked his hat. He stumbled over me and... he's heavier than I thought. I oofed as he knocked the air out of me. The cup went flying and landed on Pinkie, waking her up with a wet face.

She began laughing as she wiped her face, while Rarity now started awake. The rest of the group now turned around and Applejack said, "Spike, what in tarnation are you doing?"

Spike mumbled incoherently.

I helped him up. "Better watch out when you walk around in a dark room," I told him.

Spike mumbled incoherently again.

"Go to sleep, Spike," Twilight mumbled. "I can sing you a lullaby if you need one."

"I don't need a lullaby!" he said, storming back over to Twilight while Pinkie cheerfully washed her face.

"Thanks for including me!" she said cheerfully.

Then we all got back to sleep.

***************

Book Three (White Plume Mountain): Part 2: Altar of the Lupine Lords

Book Three (White Plume Mountain): Part 2: Altar of the Lupine Lords

My(stara's) Little Ponies: Friendship is Adventuring
A D&D (Mystara) / My Little Ponies: Friendship is Magic crossover

Book 3: White Plume Mountain
Part 2: Altar of the Lupine Lords

By John Biles

***************

Eventually, we dragged ourselves out of bed so we could try the second section of the dungeon. We circled back to the Sphinx with some effort, then took the 'moon' route'. It began with a long hallway which showed the night sky. Twilight was pleased by its accuracy. There was a pit trap; Ivan was about to disarm it when Clarity said over the... whatever it is... "Oh, Rainbow Dash, clock's ticking. Four minutes flat, right?"

"Hah! THREE AND A HALF! CHARGE!" Rainbow Dash took off at high speed, while Ivan worked with me assisting.

"No, Dash, wait!" Twilight said.

The Wonderbolts took off after her and we heard distant shouting and smashing noises.

Once the pit was disarmed, we pursued them, but the hallway turned and we went through some doors into howling winds. We could hear them off beyond more doors, but the winds blew us all back.

And over it all, Clarity kept up a running countdown, second by second, which I found REALLY annoying.

"Okay, this time I will push forward and open the doors at the far end of the wind tunnel," Applejack said.

"There has to be something to shut the winds off," Ivan said. "But I can't get to it like this."

"I'm going to enlarge both of you," Twilight said. "Applejack can keep Ivan steady and he can disarm it."

We couldn't even watch them go in, just listen, while Clarity continued her countdown with Spikey. Thrashing noises slowly got more distant and I could hear every heavy step of Applejack and her grunty noises. Ivan kept mumbling and cursing and I felt my hair try to blow from the air spilling out.

And Spike kept glaring at me.

I'm sorry, Spike, I don't like hurting your feelings.

Okay, I enjoyed pulling the hat over your eyes WAY too much, but other than that, I'm sorry.

It's pretty clear that Rarity must know unless she's blind, and he's not what she's looking for. Sorry, man, happens to all of us.

You're going to outlive us all, anyway.

Except maybe me if I keep somehow dying and coming back to life and not getting older.

Worry later.

The winds finally stopped and we rushed down to where Applejack and Ivan were. Applejack broke down the next set of doors and what we saw beyond them was a long tunnel of silvery metal. It was round and had a round door at the end with a... one of those doors where you turn a wheel to open it.

"It's a trap," Ivan said. "I don't know what, but I instinctively distrust it.

"One minute," Clarity said cheerfully. "Looks like your time is running out, Dashie."

"She's not in this room, you know," Applejack pointed out.

"Yes, but everyone needs to know when she LOSES," Rainbow Crash said cheerfully.

Very softly, we heard Rainbow Dash shout "BITE ME, CRASH."

I think we heard them hearing her. So to speak.

"Maybe I can fly down and open the doors without setting the trap off?" Fluttershy said.

"It's worth trying if you think you can get that open," Twilight said.

Fluttershy nodded, took a deep breath and... very slowly flew down the hallway.

By the time she reached the end, we could hear our evil twins all laughing and mocking Rainbow Dash for being out of time. Applejack scowled. "You shouldn't make fun of her for doin' her best."

"Her best ain't half good enough," Rainbow Crash said. "By the way, Fluttershy, you're not strong enough to open that door."

This proved correct; she strained and made very oddly delicate grunting noises but couldn't open it.

"I'll help," Applejack said, but Twilight stopped her.

"Pinkie, use your Spider-Pinkie boots and go help her." Twilight said.

Rarity now touched her hat, looking thoughtful.

"Oke doke Loki!" Pinkie said, donning the boots and walking along the wall down to Fluttershy.

Loki? She casually invokes LOKI? Okay, he probably is Celestia's father, but...

Spike, Rarity, myself, and Twilight all got wide eyes. We felt something. Surely Loki hadn't noticed.

"Who has the best ears?" I asked.

"Well, I have the prettiest ears, darling," Rarity said.

Twilight laughed softly. "That would be Spike."

"Can you put your ear to the wall, see if you hear anything?" I said.

Spike did so. "I got nothing. Other than echoes of Pinkie feet."

The trigger must be on the floor. Ivan and I began studying it as Pinkie joined them. Twilight and Rarity also tried to lend help in turning the door.

"Pinkie, can you see any holes in the wall by where you are?"

"Yes, there's tubes going into the wall," she said.

Spouts which fire off something.

Wait, this is the pegasus route... we think... You'd want something triggered by a flying creature, right? No point in floor triggers but Fluttershy didn't set it off...

We couldn't hear Dash or the Wonderbolts, which worried me. Dammit, Dash, you'd better be okay. Don't make me have spent all this time getting on your good side for nothing!

Pinkie started singing as she and Fluttershy tried to turn the wheel.

o/~ Pinkie and Fluttershy,

o/~ Pinkie and Fluttershy,

o/~ Wheel of time keeps on turning,

o/~ Turning the wheel of... the hallway...

Pinkie sighed. "I need inspiration."

...

Fluttershy tried singing.

o/~ Pinkie and Fluttershy,

o/~ Pinkie and Fluttershy,

o/~ Fluttershy wants to be a tree,

o/~ Pinkie is a she...

She paused. "Wait, what are we sinking about?"

"Turning this wheel," Pinkie said. "Marcus, sing something!"

Sing WHAT? What good will this do?

o/~ Boldly stood Halav when came the dawn,

o/~ Cunningly concealed, Zirchev lay in wait,

o/~ Atop the hill, Petra prayed for those she loved,

o/~ For the day of doom long feared had come.

Ivan grimaced. Sorry, Ivan, I don't know, it was just the first thing that came to mind.

Fluttershy and Pinkie continued to try to shove the wheel along as it ground slowly, ever so slowly and they both began to sweat, while Applejack rocked back and forth restlessly on her hooves.

o/~ Come my foes, Halav shouted as they came

o/~ Ere comes the twilight, all shall fall

o/~ Who would feign right to pass into our lands!

o/~ All the invaders shall perish by my own hands!

Pinkie began to make really loud groaning noises and I wondered how exactly the pegasi had gotten this door open if it was so stuck. Sweat poured down her and Fluttershy's bodies and Applejack became more agitated.

"There has got to be some way to safely get me down there to help," Applejack said.

"Earth...pony...power..." Pinkie grunted out.

This didn't do much.

Twilight, however, sang the next verse of the Song of Halav. Spike began frantically digging through Twilight's saddlebags as she sang.

o/~ Come my forest allies, Zirchev sang that day,

o/~ Come satyr and dryad and cheval and pegasi

o/~ Come elven friends from your deep forests

o/~ Come stand with men until dawn comes again.

Spike now fell into the saddlebag with a yelp, vanishing from sight.

I winced in sympathy.

Fluttershy was vibrating and sweating. Pinkie... I could hear her muscles working and the wheel turned more. "Cookie, cookie, cookie, cookie," Pinkie began to chant determinedly.

"Dammit, dammit, dammit," Applejack began to mutter like a mantra.

Twilight now looked urgently at Rarity, who started.

"Darling, I don't even know this song," Rarity said to Twilight.

Twilight stared at her, horn glowing, and Rarity began hesitantly to sing, her voice wobbling a little.

o/~ Assemble the bandages and pile the herbs, Petra sang.

o/~ All things which heal and help are mine to command.

o/~ Ladies of Traladara, rally around me!

o/~ We too shall fight to defend our land.

Twilight smiled brightly for some reason and Ivan sighed, but he and Spike sang together now. Spike, I will note, was a better singer.

o/~ And the men sang and raised their spears together.

o/~ Come our foes, you will find us no easy meat!

o/~ Come our foes, my spear hungers for your blood!

o/~ Come our foes, the deeds we do will live on forever!

Pinkie gave a great shout and suddenly the wheel spun freely, pulling her along with it because she was operating it with her magically sticky boots. "WOOHOO!!!!" she shouted as Fluttershy fell back. "The deeds I do will live on forever!"

I wobbled, dizzy from looking at her.

Pinkie stumbled away from the wheel, then fell down. "Eeeeeee!" She sounded happy about it, though.

The door came open and immediately the hallway began to spin.

DAMMIT.

The tubes began spewing a clear liquid everywhere, all over Pinkie and Fluttershy. Pinkie tried to stand, slipped on the liquid, then went rolling around wildly. "Yes, slip and slide!"

Rarity concentrated, firing arrows down the hallway. Each plugged a dispenser, but the far end of the cylinder, Pinkie, and Fluttershy were now thoroughly greased. I was amazed she'd been able to hit the rotating targets.

"It's not so hard since the cylinder rotated at a regular speed once up to full," Rarity told me when I asked. "I just predicted it and then shot."

Twilight now concentrated and the cylinder began to slow down. The dispensers struggled but couldn't expel Rarity's arrows. Fluttershy fled towards us, making unhappy noises. Pinkie continued to slide around, laughing loudly and clearly totally enjoying her ride.

"You're not supposed to LIKE IT," Rainbow Crash said, sounding frustrated.

"And they're not on fire," Not-Spitfire said. She sounded disappointed. "I like fire."

"Everyone likes fire," Rainbow Crash said.

"Fire scares me," Fluttershy said.

"It's okay, you can be my minion anyway," not-Fluttershy said kindly.

Except for using the word 'minion', she sounded like Fluttershy, just slightly louder.

"My trap is much better than this silly machine," not-Fluttershy continued.

Crunch, tear, grimace, crunch, shake, bend. Mechanisms ripped and tore and destroyed themselves and the tunnel stopped spending, only now it was kind of bent and twisted and the end of it no longer lined up with the doorway to the next room, which was going to be problematic.

"That was AWESOME but now I am slimy," Pinkie said. "Rarity, help!"

"Me too," Fluttershy asked softly.

Spike and Rarity tried to clean them off while Applejack, Ivan, Twilight, and I tore open the metal wall with magic, blade and kicking very hard, in order to open the way to the next room; Rarity then recovered her arrows; it turned out they'd also blocked the fire that was going to ignite the grease. Ack, that's vicious.

Man, I hope the pegasi are okay because at this rate, they'll die of old age before we catch up to them.

*************

A short hallway led out onto a platform; the room was huge, and I guessed it had to be some kind of pocket dimension because it couldn't be inside a volcano. There was mist down below and huge trees grew up out of it, with large gaps between them. Coconuts hung from the trees and dozens of monkeys roamed around, swinging tree to tree with vines and beating their chests. Far off, you could barely make out another platform leading into a hallway.

"This is so pretty," Fluttershy said, then rubbed herself against the wall of the room, trying to get the last of the oil off.

"Okay, this is gonna take a mite of thinkin'," Applejack said, staring at it all.

"If we can reach that first tree, I think we can swing with vines," I said.

"Ponies ain't so great at clinging to vines," Applejack said. "I could probably jump tree to tree, but I don't think the rest of you can, though Fluttershy can fly."

"I can give someone wings," Twilight said, huffing and puffing from her earlier display of magic.

"I have the fly spell saved," I told her. "Maybe we should use that, as we need you to not be wiped out."

"Twilight, if you make me bigger, I can take Ivan and Marcus to the first tree, then they can go and I can start hauling ponies," Applejack said.

"What about me?" Spike said.

"You... okay, yer not a pony, but when I say 'ponies', I mean you too, Spike."

Spike smiled at that.

"If Spike rides in Rarity's saddlebag, you can take him and Rarity at the same time," I said. Here's my makeup present to you, Spike.

His eyes lit up. "Yes!"

"Hop in," Rarity said kindly and he clambered in. "You too, Marcus. Ivan can ride in Applejack's saddlebags."

"I can teleport," Twilight said. "I will teleport myself and Pinkie. Then Applejack can carry everyone else at once. And Fluttershy can fly." She enlarged Applejack, then we helped Rarity up to 'ride' on Applejack and then everyone got stowed.

Fluttershy began flying and Applejack leaped to the first tree. Immediately, the monkeys began pelting her with coconuts, while Fluttershy begged them to stop. Applejack was too busy dodging to make any headway and I started to feel a little motion sickness.

Rarity said, "Assist me, Marcus." She threw up several sheets of cloth and together, we used it as a shield to cover Applejack's advance.

Fluttershy began to sing and the trees came to life; we could hear not-Fluttershy also singing, trying to command the trees, but the trees ignored her.

"Trees, I am a grand druid! You have to do what Mommy wants!" Not-Fluttershy said, frustrated.

Keraptis said something I couldn't quite make out.

"I am not cheating! I am a druid, Mommy Nature gave me this power to be everyone's loving mother!" Not-Fluttershy said.

"I'm sorry, monkeys, but I can't let you hurt my friend Applejack," Fluttershy said apologetically as the trees began snaring the monkeys. "I promise you won't get hurt. If you're nice, I'll give you some bananas."

Several monkeys now defected when bribed properly, and began chasing off the other monkeys.

"Even a loving mother sometimes has to chastise the bad children!" Not-Fluttershy said vigorously. Shouting for her was about like trying to talk over a crowd for me.

Applejack continued to jump lithely from branch to branch, though I noticed the branches often broke when she jumped off them. This may make getting back harder than getting in.

We finally passed to the other side with not-Fluttershy continuing to gently freak out. Then we fled the room, though I got hit with a coconut in the back of the head on my way out. Oww.

*****************

We opened the next door and arctic winds rushed in, chilling us. The room beyond was terraced with ledges climbing upwards and forwards to a distant door, but snow and ice were everywhere and howling winds poured down.

"There may be ice monsters," I said.

Ivan shivered. "I may die by the time I reach the other side.

I put on my sweatervest. Rarity sighed. "I'm sorry, everyone, I just have some scarves."

Twilight summoned enough sweatervests for everyone and we wrapped up making blankets into ponchos as best we could. Fluttershy and Twilight and I also cast warming spells, enough that we'd all only get somewhat cold instead of dying horribly.

"Oh, those naughty pegasi could have fixed the weather," Not-Fluttershy said mournfully. "But they wanted candy before their meal and so they just rushed through and left you all to suffer. But if you all repent and obey me, I can protect you."

"No," Applejack said. "I only obey the Princesses."

Not-Fluttershy made an angry noise.

"I only obey Twilight, and only because I WANT to." Spike said. "And Rarity. And Celestia. And Luna. But NOT Owlicious or Marcus or especially not that bastard Erik."

We all made our statements of 'no luck for you."

That's when it started to thunder and freezing rain began falling.

Oh fuck me.

"Here, let me help," Rainbow Crash said.

"And me," Not-Soarin' said.

"And me," Not-Spitfire said.

Oh INFINITE FUCK ME!!!!!

We were up onto tier two of ten and now we were soaked to the bone. It was especially hideous for Ivan and I, as we didn't have nice warm coats. Spike kept breathing fire on himself to get the ice off.

"Fluttershy, can you break up the clouds?" Ivan asked.

"No, I didn't study weather control, I'm good with animals and plants, of which there aren't any here," Fluttershy said, shivering. She glowed with warmth and we tried to stay near her, though all she could do was make us miserable and not dead.

Then the lightning strikes started.

Fluttershy narrowly dodged one and Ivan and I put our weapons in Twilight's saddlebags, so they couldn't draw lightning. Thank the Immortals I wear leather armor.

Spike kept melting ice to help us go forward, though it refroze quickly. We slogged along slowly, miserably, shivering, while Fluttershy got more and more worried and cold, with the rest of us.

"I would say to huddle for warmth, but we can't huddle and move at once," I said.

"I'm sorry," Fluttershy said, sounding guilty. "I'm a lousy pegasus."

"You've been a huge help so far," I told her. "And our weather experts decided to race off without us to win a bet."

"And lost it!" Clarity cackled, laughing.

Applejack suddenly looked at me thoughtfully, then frowned and pressed forward, clearly not happy about something.

I don't get it.

"Something wrong, Applejack?" I asked.

"Later," she said. "Got reminded of something."

That probably bodes ill.

Clarity began singing a song about winning.

You know, mad wizards usually have the decency to keep their mouth shut while they watch you. This is starting to drive me crazy.

Rarity slipped and began slide back down to the previous tier. I turned and caught her, then began to slide myself. Ivan caught me and Applejack him and pulled us up.

"So cold," Rarity said, shivering. "I don't even have any boots."

"It is a mite cold," Applejack said, shivering.

An idea hit me. "Spike, you should ride on Twilight, leaning down to embrace her neck. It will give her some body warmth."

"I'm fine, you should help Rarity, Spike," Twilight said.

Fluttershy was becoming very agitated and kept flitting around, pushing against us to help warm us.

Pinkie said, "Can't remember... taste of pie..."

"Oh come on," Ivan said. "I can still remember the taste of pie, I just can't feel my tongue." He slogged forward, though the winds howled and sometimes we had to try to dodge lightning.

I helped Spike onto Rarity and she now began to press forward a little faster, her heat helping him out. He smiled brightly despite the cold.

Halfway up. UGH.

Fluttershy now pressed against me and I put my hand on her back, trying to soak up warmth. She was so nice and warm.

"Stupidly cold," Ivan mumbled.

"At least my hat is keeping my head warm," I said.

"And my ha..." Rarity winced. She concentrated, wham instant winter clothing. "I wish I could share these," she said apologetically.

Okay, VERY JEALOUS.

"Are you all done being bad children or is Mommy going to have to keep punishing you?" Not-Fluttershy said sweetly.

"You're the bad child," Fluttershy said. "You're hurting my friends!" She was quivering with anger. "They can't handle this weather!"

"Then they should either turn back or else submit to me. I promise to be a kind and gentle mother," Not-Fluttershy said sweetly. "But bad children must be PUNISHED."

"What is your Element?" I asked.

"I am Dragonfly, the Power of Mother Nature," not-Fluttershy said. "Who loves good children and destroys the bad."

"No good mother destroys her children," Fluttershy protested. "You need to stop doing this!"

"All you have to do is promise to obey your mother," Dragonfly said sweetly.

"No," Ivan said sharply. "I'd rather die."

"That can be arranged, dearie," Dragonfly said sweetly, making me shiver.

The cold was getting worth. We were shivering, even the ponies. Only my torso had any real warmth. Fluttershy was doing her best and Twilight's spell helped but it was cold, so cold...

I'm not sure why it was hitting Pinkie the hardest but she was raving about needing shortening and telling imaginary people to save themselves. "Run, Madame LaFlour, RUN!" she shouted.

Fluttershy pushed against her, trying to warm her up and Pinkie began talking to Fluttershy's shoulder about how gentle Mr. Turnip was.

She... I hope she's just faking madness.

I'm not sure how I would tell.

Rarity wobbled and Spike said, "Hold on Rarity, you can do it." He spat fire nearby, trying to warm her indirectly.

Applejack grimly slogged forwards. But even she was having a very hard time of it.

My feet slipped and I fell down. OWW. For a few seconds, I just laid there, but then Fluttershy pulled me up. "Don't give up," she said urgently.

Maybe I'm going to find out if I really do return from the grave. Whatever is happening to me.

Dammit.

Though at least this means Princess Carnelia doesn't get the satisfaction of killing me.

I don't want to freeze to death, dammit.

I think I tried to cry but my tears froze.

"So tired," Twilight mumbled, fell down in the snow, then struggled to her feet. "I want to sleep."

"All you have to do is surrender to me," Dragonfly said sweetly.

"Stop hurting them," Fluttershy said urgently, sounding desperate.

"Give her the Stare," Applejack mumbled.

"I can't see her! And it won't work on the storm!"

And then Rainbow Crash and the other two pegasi started laughing and laughing and laughing.

"Where the hell is Rainbow Dash, anyway?" I said, suddenly wondering.

"They're a little tied up," Rainbow Crash said, then began laughing more. "Since Fluttershy let them go ahead without her and they ran right into a trap meant for her, not that she can get you out of this one."

Fluttershy began to cry tears of frustration and looked guilty. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"Easy for you to say when you're hiding in the control room like a coward," Ivan shouted angrily at them. "I bet you wouldn't last five seconds in this cold, Crash!"

"Yeah, you're all talk and no flying," Applejack said angrily.

"You big mouth!"

"You're nothing but an empty shell full of HOT AIR," Twilight shouted.

Oh yeah. "My hoard's bigger than yours!" Spike shouted.

"You have all the fashion sense of a herd of blind goats!" Rarity shouted.

Oooh, I like that one.

"You're a big meanie!" Fluttershy tried to shout.

Rarity now whispered to Spike, who dismounted. She now turned into Rainbow Crash and flung herself into a snowbank. "Look at me, I'm Rainbow Crash, the clumsiest pegasus in Equestria!"

"I am not CLUMSY!" Rainbow Crash shouted.

"I would kiss my boyfriend but I keep missing his lips!" Rarity now crashed into another snowbank.

There was a sudden wave of heat across the room, though it quickly faded.

"No, you're interfering with my storm of ice and snow!" Dragonfly said urgently. "Bad girl!"

"Rainbow Crash, hitting trees at the speed of LIGHT!" I shouted.

Rarity made groggy, out of control noises and 'crashed' again'.

"That's it, I'm gonna go KICK THAT FAKE'S ASS!" Rainbow Crash shouted.

Chaos ensued in the control room as some of her friends tried to restrain her.

Rarity turned back to normal, and now shivered even more intensely. "So cold."

"I'm going to have to use a lot of power but we can't take any more of this," Twilight said, shivering herself.

Spike and I both pressed against Rarity, trying to warm her. "You were great," Spike told her.

"I totally agree," I told her.

"I'll do it," Fluttershy said determinedly to Twilight. "Save your strength. I'm not much of a weather pony, but I'll do it." She straightened her necklace, and then she flew up into the storm and began to sing.

We all did our best to sing along, though it was hard to hear her. You could still hear fighting at their end, and now you could see a glow in the clouds and then the glow ripped through them, melting them, and they turned to rain and poured down and now Fluttershy shone like the sun, invoking the first dawn at the beginning of days. The warmth of her kindness melted the ice and the water flowed down the tiers, leaving them bare and the cold broke and fled.

Warmth, blessed gentle warmth that soaked into us, like the return of a long lost friend.

Her element shone like the sun and she guided us to finally escape that damn room.

Fluttershy, you are the best pony.

************

"I feel bad for making fun of Rainbow Crash," Fluttershy confessed as we headed down the next tunnel.

I didn't. They're trying to kill us or drive us away. All we did was mock.

"It was somewhat gauche, but I had to do something," Rarity said. "Marcus, I need your body heat." She shivered a little.

I came and put a hand on her back; I couldn't do a lot more due to the need to keep moving. She did feel cold.

The next door had a faint shimmering, and beyond, something like a night sky and a grey, dusty landscape. "The moon!" Twilight said, amazed.

We stepped through and... the air felt weird. I wasn't dying of lack of air but it almost felt like there was no air. Somehow.

The room was huge, pitted with craters. I turned to the others. I tried to say, 'I think the air is enchanted' but no sound came out.

Everything was utterly silent and eerie.

Maybe there is no air but the void is enchanted so you don't die?

Ironically, a group of snow monsters were trapped near the entrance by a bunch of metal rope traps. They must have chased Dash and company in here.

Twilight wrote a note with her powers. 'This is like the moon. But apparently we can breathe.'

The stars glittered overhead and we could see Mystara in the sky. Cool.

Ivan identified the next set of rope traps, but then we got to another set, where Dash and company were bound up.

Dash began struggling and mouthing words at us, but we couldn't figure out what she and the other two meant.

I immediately turned around on the principle 'they're always RIGHT BEHIND YOU.'

I WAS RIGHT!

Huge humanoid monsters, made of moon rocks, were looming at us from behind, having silently followed us over.

One of them loomed at Rarity, who like the others, had not turned around. I instinctively lunged at him and struck him with my sword, cutting out a chunk of his chest.

He then knocked me for a loop and I flew over the others, dropping my sword and crashing into some rocks. OWWW. This is why being a hero is STUPID.

But at least she didn't get maimed by a surprise attack. I was ready for it.

Sort of.

OWWWWW.

Rarity popped out four arrows and angrily fired; the arrows struck and veins of crystal now formed inside it, tearing it apart as they grew. Applejack turned, charged another and kicked it down and began jumping on it, trying to force it into submission.

Twilight tried some sort of spell and nothing happened. Spike tried to breathe fire. No fire.

Then they both got punted over by me and now metal ropes erupted up, tangling us all up.

Pinkie jumped away from her foe, letting him step on two pies. The plates stuck on his feet and he began to slip and slide until he fell down and she then poured jelly on his hands, making it hard for him to get a grip to push himself up.

Fluttershy began trying to get Rainbow Dash, Spitfire, and Soarin' free, but she couldn't untangle the ropes.

I began reaching for my sword; it slowly slid towards me, and... where was Ivan?

Ivan suddenly rose up behind the one which had attacked Twilight and struck it in the back, hitting what must have been a vital point as its torso shattered and then Pinkie kicked its bits into a crater.

Twilight glanced at me and yanked with her powers and my sword flew to me. I began cutting us loose.

Magic swords for the win!

The one which Pinkie had mauled now got shot by Rarity and broken apart and the one Applejack was beating on surrendered; she herded it into one of the many rope traps to tie it up.

I managed to cut everyone loose but now more rock monsters were forming. Rarity looked at me, worried, but I tried to look reassuring, though I now ached all over.

Rainbow Dash scribbled in the loose lunar sand with her hoof even as Twilight hurled lighting balls at the next rock monster to form, shattering it. 'Door, ceiling, square star thing, pole star'.

Fluttershy now nuzzled me and tried to sing a song but nothing happened. She looked frustrated, but I patted her back, appreciating the effort.

Twilight looked up and pointed to the Haywain, which does include the pole star.

Rainbow Dash flapped, jumped, showed she couldn't fly.

Man, this would be ugly for pegasi.

Ivan drew an arrow in the dust with a rope tied to it. Another rock monster began to rise and Applejack started fighting it with Pinkie's help.

He then drew a stick figure human hanging from the rope, with little arrows to indicate climbing.

She nodded and we got rope and an arrow and she shot it deep into the ceiling. He then borrowed Pinkie's boots, fitting them on hands and feet as best he could and climbed the rope, then jimmied the lock at the top.

The door flew open and air exploded into the room in a howling wind. Ivan plummeted, but as he fell, Applejack ran and leaped up to meet him. They tangled together in the air but it stopped him just enough for Dash, Spitfire and Soarin' to now roar into action against the wind and catch them, though all five landed in a heap together.

"Thank you, everyone," Ivan said.

"Earth ponies forever," Applejack mumbled and they both laughed.

We had to blow up a few more rock monsters and Twilight mumbled about being exiled to the moon, but then the pegasi got us flown up to the next room. It turned out to be empty, so we all flopped down and rested and Fluttershy and Pinkie treated everyone.

"Marcus, that was very brave of you," Rarity said, sounding guilty.

I think I had a fit of insanity, or maybe too much curiosity about whether I can somehow recover from death. But I know how to not express that. "A gentleman cannot allow a lady to come to harm," I told her. Then I grimaced and Fluttershy flinched. "No, no, it wasn't you," I lied to her. "Just other aches and pains."

O/~ Earth ponies forever...

Pinkie trailed off as she worked on Ivan and Applejack. "Umm... hmm, going to have to think on our theme song," she said.

Ivan said, "Well, something... picking locks doesn't go so well with baking pies and bucking apples."

"You can be the one who EATS the pies," Pinkie said, drooling a little.

Rarity fussed over me; it was rather pleasant. I enjoy being fussed over; it shows people care. She started to say something, then looked around and fell silent.

"You can just pretend I'm a tree," Fluttershy whispered, then giggled.

I laughed softly. Rarity now tried to strike a pose like a tree and we all laughed. Pinkie's ears twitched and she turned but Rarity had settled back down.

"I wish so much this place had a bath," I said.

"You and I both," Rarity said.

We chatted and I tried to ignore my pain, though now it faded away.

As I said, magical healing is the BEST healing.

**************

"Right, right, no racing off ahead," Rainbow Dash said ruefully.

"Someone lost the bet," Clarity said with a sing-song voice.

"Shut up," Rainbow Dash grumbled.

"You can tell her to shut up when you get some common sense," Spitfire said irritably.

"Hey, you came too," Rainbow Dash protested.

"Because I had to keep YOU alive," Spitfire said, pointing a hoof at Dash.

"I w...," Soarin' began.

"You stay out of this," Spitfire said. "Dash, if you ever want to be a Wonderbolt, you're going to have to learn some self-control! We have to do what Celestia tells us and we have to follow Blue Angel's orders. And that usually means having a plan and following it, not making bets with the enemy and rushing off like a coconut flung by a monkey!"

Exactly. That's how you end up with your head shaved and your pants on fire, otherwise.

I liked those pants, dammit.

"Spitfire's right," Rarity said.

"I have this," Spitfire said firmly to Rarity, who looked somewhat taken aback.

I blinked in surprise. Is there something I'm not seeing?

"I...uh... I can take orders!" Rainbow Dash protested.

"Uh huh," Spitfire said dubiously.

"I can!"

"Fine. Soarin', you're Dash's commander until we finish this. You do what Soarin' says and we'll see if you can take orders," Spitfire said, then elbowed Soarin'.

"I...uh... right." Soarin' saluted Dash, who saluted back.

"Umm... follow me," Soarin' said, and Dash grinned.

"I'm on it!"

Definitely missing something here.

*************

We ate lunch and then got in motion again, though Rarity sent Sweetie Belle a letter before we went. I don't know what she wrote; I had spent the time watching Soarin' give silly orders to Rainbow Dash. I couldn't tell if Spitfire was happy with this or not.

The wind tunnel we had to climb and/or fly up was relatively easy to deal with despite the high winds, with everyone working together. I have to say this group is pretty smooth compared to some groups I've adventured with. Though the Blue Eagles...

Someone sent us to get this sword. I'm not sure who. Minroth himself? Why did I keep it?

Dammit.

The next room was, of course, a giant chessboard. Which means chess puzzles. A theme MUCH overused by mad wizards.

Then we all got teleported onto the board, EXCEPT Soarin'. Damn you for liking chess puzzles!!!!

I was the White King and Rarity the White Queen, with Twilight as the Queen's Bishop, Rainbow Dash as the Queen's Knight, and Pinkie as the White Queen's Rook. Ivan was my Bishop, Applejack was my Rook, and Fluttershy was my Knight. Spike was the Queen's Bishop's pawn. I noticed Applejack, Rarity, and Dash had fillies as their pawns. Probably Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo. These were statues, mind you; Scootaloo was riding on a scooter, Apple Bloom was in a gi in a pose with a kick and Sweetie Belle, oddly, was riding on a cloud and singing. Even though she's a unicorn, not a pegasus.

Lyra was my pawn, some pony with a curly mane and candy on her flank was Pinkie's pawn, a female unicorn with a wizard's hat and a cape with stars on it was Ivan's pawn, and a small rabbit who looked angry was Fluttershy's pawn.

"TRIXIE?" Twilight said in disbelief.

Soarin' was up on a platform on one side, and Spitfire, to her clear annoyance, was hanging from the ceiling inside a cage over the board.

Statues of all of our side, but in black obsidian, stood as the pieces against us.

"Tell me that ain't Apple Bloom turned to stone," Applejack said in horror.

Not-Soarin' now appeared on the other platform. "It's only a model. People will only die if Soarin' cannot figure out the puzzle." He whirred over the board and people flew around.

Applejack, Pinkie's pawn, Trixie, Fluttershy, the bunny, and Spike were all out of action now, along with a half-dozen black pieces.

"What the tarnation? I just got removed?" Applejack said, but couldn't move.

"It's a puzzle, not a game," Not-Soarin' said. "Now, what you know..."

Soarin' rattled off the solution without even listening.

"..."

"I read that book, you know."

"I didn't even get to explain the rules!"

"Too bad, you lose! We advance!"

"Dammit!" Not-Soarin' said. All the black pieces now turned into a dozen opals each.

"Lovely," Rarity said, eyes glittering.

Also, we all now had a lot of jewelry and knick-nacks which persisted. EXCELLENT. I have a sweet crown of gold with rubies and emeralds inset into it now, even if it doesn't really go well with my hat.

"And finally, you get this," not-Soarin' said, handing him a really nice smelling pie.

"Yes, PIE." He began eating, even as I said, "Wait!"

Soarin' now passed out; before Dash could move to help him, not-Soarin' zoomed in on her and said, "Hey, babe, evil-you is as sexy as good-you, I see!" Then he kissed Dash.

Twilight managed to catch Soarin', thankfully.

Dash turned beet red, then slapped him. "Don't go stealing kisses!" she said, red-faced. Then he teleported.

....

"Hey, I'm still in this stupid cage, get me out!" Spitfire shouted.

"He teleported?" Twilight said in confusion.

"Thanks to MY power. If you actually STUDIED enough, you'd be able to teleport things TO you too," Dawn Gleaming said. "So I teleported Cruisin' to me, you know, the way you cannot." She sounded quite proud.

Twilight grimaced. "Dash, I'm going to make you bigger so you can carry Ivan up to unlock the cage."

"Sweet!" She paused and looked at Soarin'.

"Go ahead," Soarin' said and Spitfire nodded approvingly.

They soon got Spitfire free and we headed onwards, stashing our treasures for later.

*************

The next room had a bunch of stacks of blocks with handles. You could see an exit sign but blocks were in the way of actually getting to it, and you'd have to rearrange them, which could be tricky given that pushing some of them would push others around.

"KILL IT WITH FIRE," Ivan said to Twilight.

"But we..." Rainbow Dash began.

"KILL KILL KILL," Ivan shouted and Twilight shrank in on herself.

"Okay, okay," she said weakly and began blowing up blocks.

"But we...," Rainbow Dash began.

"KILL THE BLOCKS! KILL THEM NOW!" Ivan screamed fit to wake the dead.

I began hacking up blocks and soon we'd smashed all the blocks to bits, though this left everyone tired.

"I don't see why we couldn't fly over them," Rainbow Dash said. "Was there a trap?"

Ivan whimpered and fell down.

"Dash," I said, burying my face in my hands.

"Well, Spitfire wanted me to show I could obey orders," Rainbow Dash said to the floor. "Though it's really not my style."

"Blocks dead, I win," Ivan said.

Twilight toppled over, legs in the air.

Spike went to Pinkie. "Pie."

She gave him one and he threw at Ivan's face.

"Pie," he said, then started laughing. "The blocks turned into pie!"

If this gets us killed because we needed Twilight functional, I am going to KILL him.

*******************

The pegasi had to fly us across a chasm; steam vented upwards through it. Then we passed into a temple, and Ivan's breath caught. "It's a temple of Asterius," he said nervously.

There was a huge stained glass window over the altar; it showed Princess Luna and Asterius. He was solemnly blessing the viewer and she... was picking his pocket, his wallet in her mouth.

...

Pinkie Pie fell over laughing.

Ivan stared, mouth open wide.

"Don't laugh, it ain't polite," Applejack said to Pinkie.

"But it's so..."

"Do not laugh," she said very firmly, and then nodded at Ivan, who couldn't see her.

Pinkie covered her mouth but this made her laugh more and then Dash began laughing at her, and trying to cover her mouth.

"He's not her father, right?" Ivan said weakly.

"My understanding is that her father was a Pony," Twilight said. "But I only know the legend. But they're both Immortals, so they could be friends."

It didn't convey family to me, or romance, just a kind of teasing friendship.

Applejack studied the picture, then crept up on Ivan, who was staring at the picture, then tried to subtly pick his pocket. He noticed, they started wrestling around and then bumped right into the altar. He was laughing, then he looked mortified, then he looked nervous.

"I can't... I don't even know what to do," he mumbled. "I'm in over my head."

"You can do it," Applejack said reassuringly, and then she kneeled with him as he kneeled down and prayed. The rest of us just stood back quietly, though I could hear Twilight very softly saying some sort of prayer to Asterius. Rarity was doing the same, which makes sense given one of his aspects is trade.

The other is thieving. An odd combination, but I guess he had a very varied life.

And then the stained glass began to glow and everything changed. I realized what this was going to be, but at least it wasn't MY flashback.

***************

MAGICAL ASTERIUS INDUCED FLASHBACK THING:

Luna hid among the rocks; it was easy in the darkness; from here you could peer over the edge of the plateau; halfway down it, you could see ponies and orcs busy delving into the plateau, building some kind of fortress. Another pony was with her; he had a pitch black coat and a silvery mane and on his flank was the full moon in silver. She was a Pegasus, I realized, not an alicorn yet, and he was an Earth Pony. But she already had her cutie mark.

"She should be here by now," Luna said, clearly worried. "Where is she, uncle Full Moon?"

"She walks among them," her uncle said. "We must know more before we strike."

Distantly, you could see a pony stumble and fall and an orc began to whip it and I could see Luna tense. She started to move, but he restrained her gently. "Not yet. Kalibash is here and you are not ready to face him yet." His voice was heavy with regret. "Not without Celestia."

"Why do we even exist if not for this? If not for now?" Luna said, agonized by the sight.

I could tell the unfortunate pony was being made an example of. He had a white coat and a blond mane and I think he was a unicorn. He threw the orc off the cliff with his powers and began to shout and now a riot broke out, pony vs. orc, but the ponies... most of them were just fleeing. A few fought but the rest were scared and the fear was running through the herd, they wanted to defy the orcs but they were understandably scared.

"Fight! Rally to me!" the unicorn shouted. Several of the stallions and fillies rushed to his side and Luna made a choked gasp as they formed a circle. There were six of them, three stallions and three fillies. They were clearly scared, but they stood together as everyone else ran away from angry orcs or ran wild in a panic.

"Together! We must stand together!," the unicorn shouted.

"I must aid them," Luna said and launched herself downwards towards the small plateau below where the work had been in progress and now a revolt was underway.

"Luna, we... the plan... dammit!" Full Moon said. "I can't fly, you know!"

She arched up and let him clamber on and now she flew downwards, silver dust flying from her wings as they flapped and everyone, orc and pony alike, stared at the two of them as they descended. What I could see now was that while the ponies had the wild colors I expect of sentient ponies, they had no cutie marks.

But now, as Luna's dust fell upon the six, cutie marks appeared. Overlapping four pointed stars of gold and silver on the unicorn stallion, an hourglass on the flank of the blue coated unicorn mare, a constellation on the flank of a green coated pegasus mare, a musical note in red on the flank of a grey coated earth pony stallion and so forth. They looked a little taller as well; these ponies were not quite as large as modern ponies, which is not to say modern ones are large. They are, after all, ponies. Luna and Full Moon were larger than them, but not so much larger as Celestia is to ponies today.

"I am Luna," Luna said warmly. "I have come from the Northlands to stand with my sister Celestia and my uncle Full Moon against the darkness that infests this land!"

Full Moon, for a moment, had a worried look, but then he was 'on' and all fear was gone. There was only confidence and strength. An orc rushed at him and he casually spun and rearkicked it, sending it tumbling. "Ponies! You are stronger than you know! Come with us, we will lead you to safety!"

And then they charged down the long, rambling path which picked its way down the plateau towards the thick forest below, a great herd of ponies, being lead and guided by the six who had stood together, and by Luna and Full Moon.

"What do we do when they come for us?" a filly cried out. She still had a small wagon of rocks, bumping along behind her as she ran, until Full Moon chewed it loose so she could run full speed.

"We fight," Full Moon said. "Ponies were not made for war, but we have no choice." He grimaced.

Luna said, "I do not wish to fight, but sometimes, even the kindest heart must take up arms and do battle." Her voice was very sad.

"It's why I rose up," an earth mare said, one of the six; she had a red cross on her flank and her name was Gentle Touch. "I would rather heal than hurt, but we cannot live like this any more. It is too much." Her voice was heavy with sadness. "It is too much."

"Celestia should have the records by now," Full Moon said as they all continued to run. "We must find the Elements of Harmony." His eyes ran over the six marked Ponies.

"Assuming she can find us," he muttered, then sighed. It was too late now to turn back.

And now Full Note, the music-marked earth pony, began to sing and soon, the herd was running to the beat which he laid down, speeding them up.

And the vision faded.

***************

Pinkie's eyes were wide. "The Elements of Harmony. Were they the first?"

"I don't think so," Spitfire said. "Or they wouldn't be 'finding' them. I would assume some Immortals made the Elements and originally granted them to Ponies or whoever first held them."

"They're much older," Twilight said. "Very old," she said softly.

From before Entropy was corrupted, I thought, shivering.

"That one pony... North Star..." Rarity said hesitantly.

"Blueblood's ancestor, yes," Twilight said to her apologetically.

Rarity stared at the floor.

"Blood doesn't matter," Ivan said. "Each person makes themself, whoever their ancestors were. What matters is who you choose to be and what you do with what you have." His voice drifted; he seemed somewhat lost. He bent over and curled up, burying his face in his knees, silently, and I wondered what he'd seen. That was inspiring if it was anything.

Applejack sat by him and put a comforting hoof on his back.

Pinkie licked her lips. "Rarity, I need to borrow your hat."

Rarity blinked but handed it over, no questions asked.

Pinkie donned it, then went over to Ivan and whispered to him. He made an enigmatic hand gesture and she dug in his coat pocket and pulled out a bottle.

Why is she getting his polymorph potion?

She clumsily sipped a small amount, then made a strangled noise and nearly dropped it and then her body rippled and shone and she said something and when it cleared, she was a ruddy-cheeked human woman with fancy pink hair, clad in leather pants and a multi-colored blouse, barefoot and wearing saddlebags wrapped around her waist like a belt. Then she embraced him silently from the side and whispered in his ears.

I felt I had to do something, but what? I rocked back and forth on my feet. Ivan is my friend for all that we sometimes try to clobber each other. I couldn't let Pinkie do it all but I couldn't quite grasp the problem.

Unless he saw Asterius rejecting him but I don't think it's the case.

"I've never heard of them having an uncle," Rainbow Dash said to Twilight.

"The name is vaguely familiar to me, but he didn't take the lead like they did," Twilight said. "I'm not sure if I could have even told you he was their uncle. Though part of me wants to say he fought a minotaur for some reason."

"If Luna wasn't an Immortal yet, how did she give everyone their Cutie Marks?" Soarin' asked thoughtfully.

"They found their purpose at that moment," Ivan said softly from inside his crumpled up self. "Luna might have helped it along, but the strength came from their decision to fight."

I kneeled down by him; the urge to help was strong enough to surprise me. I'm not cruel or anything but I'm not a master of comforting. "Hey man, what's wrong?"

"You're not alone," Pinkie said softly, running her fingers through Ivan's hair gently, then staring at her fingers and smiling a little. She took a lock of his hair and teased his ear gently with it. "We are here for you always," she said.

It would be nice to live in a world where that was always true. Everything is fleeting; my life has made me keenly aware that everything ends.

Which sucks.

But it's easy, at a time like this, to forget that. "You'll succeed. It won't be easy," I told him. He's probably doomed, but you don't say that at a time like this. There is such a thing as too much honesty. "But you have to keep getting back in the saddle." I couldn't help but grin at that a little, given the company.

Twilight laughed way more than it deserved, looked embarrassed, then shut her mouth.

"Luna rushed off too," Rainbow Dash stagewhispered to Spitfire, then grinned, while Spitfire buried her face in her hooves.

"The odds don't matter," Pinkie said firmly to Ivan, continuing to cuddle him. "And sometimes, it's better to try and fail than not to have tried, right? They did what they had to, regardless of the odds and so will you. I'm rooting for you."

"Yaaay," Fluttershy said. Possibly the worst cheer ever but Ivan smiled at it. He now embraced Pinkie, and then Applejack, and then stood up.

"Let's go," Ivan said, trying to sound confident. "I haven't nearly died enough times today."

"That's the spirit," Pinkie said. She did a handstand. "Cool." Then she ran around and touched everyone with her hands, laughing. "Well, out of time," she said and turned back into regular Pinkie, then tossed the hat onto Rarity's head. "Thanks, Rarity," she said.

"How did it feel, Pinkie?" Rarity asked.

"Very comfy hat," Pinkie said. "Wow, I am HUNGRY." She now ate an entire cake in one bite, while I stared in surprise.

"I mean, being human," Rarity said.

"Hands are pretty useful," Pinkie said. "I think the potion makes it feel natural, though."

"Yes," Ivan said.

"I'm surprised nothing has tried to kill us yet," I said. "This doesn't quite feel like part of the dungeon, though I guess it does fit the 'moon' theme."

"That was Asterius in pony form, right?" Spike said.

"Who?" Rainbow Dash said.

"I suspect Full Moon was Asterius, yes," I said.

"Really?" Rainbow Dash said in surprise.

"He's very popular in Manehattan," Applejack said. "But they're a lot more human influenced there."

"Hmm, I wonder if the Elements of Power are all killing each other still or if they just can't hear us. You idiots listening?"

They didn't reply. Excellent. But I expect we'll have to face them again soon.

************

I stared in horror. Dozens of swinging blades swung back and forth, blocking the path to the door on the far end of the room. It looked insanely dangerous to try to run between them to reach the door.

"This one is for me," Spitfire said, stretching.

"I bet I could fly so fast I could to the other end before they could hit me," Rainbow Dash said.

"No, let Spitfire handle it. She's a precision flyer," Soarin' said to Rainbow Dash. "Not as quick but she can maneuver like no one's business."

"That looks really dangerous," Twilight said, wobbling a little. She was still pretty zonked from blowing up blocks.

"It is," Spitfire said. "But when you're a Wonderbolt, you have to handle this kind of thing, like when we had to rescue the Duke of Prance from kidnappers. They shrank him, put him inside a bottle, then hid him inside a giant clock and I had to fly through it while it was keeping time, before it hit 3. And I did it."

"I nearly died watching," Soarin' said.

I feel like I could die just watching those blades. And my hat... I can't let those things kill it. "If you think you can handle it, Spitfire, then you should do it."

"Wait!" Pinkie said. "SONG time!"

Of course it is.

o/~ Bravely, bravely, Spitfire flew into the blades,

o/~ Squealy, squealy, were the sounds that Marcus made!

"HEY!" I shouted.

Spitfire laughed. "Don't worry, Marcus, I'm a professional." She saluted Twilight, then turned and took a deep breath.

o/~ Tired, tired, Twilight wobbled on her feat,

o/~ Later she can rest once Spitfire turns up the heat!

o/~ Chop, chop went the blades

o/~ They think Spitfire tastes good with marinade!

"HEY!" Soarin' said, but Spitfire laughed, then closed her eyes.

I put a hand over my mouth. I normally would laugh, but I didn't want to laugh at someone about to risk DOOM.

Rarity pressed against my leg; I could tell she was nervous, so I patted her back. "Don't worry," I said softly. I have enough terror for every pony in this room, Ivan, myself, AND evil-me.

Though 'evil-me' doesn't seem to have much ambition beyond 'be Twilight's snuggle-wuggums.'

He hasn't talked much, though.

Also, I suspect evil non-Elements of Harmony were thrown in at the last second.

Spitfire took off, dodging blades, up, down and around them, timing her movements with great precision, anticipating the swings and following a jagged path; she even retreated at one point to advance later. I felt my nerves get more and more tense.

I could feel Rarity getting tenser and Rainbow Dash was half-watching, half-not. Pinkie continued to 'cheer' for Spitfire.

o/~ Freak, freak, the Rarity freaked,

o/~ As time went by, her tension peaked!

o/~ Tonight, many lettuce rolls

o/~ Will perish between her teeth!

"I am not going to overeat in response to this!" Rarity protested.

I could totally go for a nice lettuce roll with some tofu soaked in meat juices.

I suddenly wondered if ponies could actually handle meat juices or not. I don't know enough about digestion. And I can't ask Fluttershy when Spitfire may be about to get carved like a rump roast.

And that's when the jets of flame began shooting down from the ceiling. "Hope you've been practicing your fire swallowing!" Not-Spitfire said cheerfully.

...

"It won't matter if it can't hit me," Spitfire said defiantly, but now it was getting harder to advance without frying. Only extremely precision flying could do it, timing without room for error.

Rainbow Dash elbowed Soarin'. "Order me to make rain."

"W...oh. I order you to make it rain! I order ME to make it rain! You too, Fluttershy," he said.

"But I'm not good at making it rain," Fluttershy said.

"No time to learn like the present!"

"Hey, this is just for Evil-me!" not-Spitfire said.

"Yeah, Fire Swallow has been looking forward to this," Cruisin' said.

Tiny clouds began to form and they began bucking them into the blades which hit them and scattered water everywhere, countering the flame jets, though now there was steam everywhere. Spitfire pulled her goggles in tightly and kept going.

CHOP, there went her tail except for a tiny stub!

"Oh no, darling, your lovely tail!" Rarity said.

"A Wonderbolt cares nothing for looks!" Spitfire shouted.

"Hey, I care about looks," Cruisin' said.

"You're a FAKE Wonderbolt!," Spitfire said, dodging under a blade and rising just in front of another to go over it as it swung down.

"And my girlfriend has them!" Cruisin' said.

"You kissed Rainbow Dash!" Rainbow Crash said angrily. "I'm not going to...mmmm...." Pony kissy noises now mixed with Pinkie singing, rain and thunder going off, and Spitfire swishing along.

o/~ Kiss kiss, went the evil twins!

o/~ It'll save time; they're already down to just skin!

"Hey, I am wearing my UNIFORM," Cruisin' protested.

"At least we're not scared of kissing like Rainbow Dash! No one's ever kissed her!" Rainbow Crash shouted.

"LIE! I've kissed lots of stallions!" Rainbow Dash shouted, though I could tell she was LYING.

"They were all plushies!," Rainbow Crash shouted.

"At least I don't fall down getting into bed!" Rainbow Dash shouted.

"Less shouting, more cloudbucking! Spitfire needs you!" I shouted.

Dash struggled to ignore the taunts, but determinedly, she put more and more clouds into play and urged Fluttershy to work harder. Soarin' grimly kept kicking.

Finally, Spitfire reached the end, then she pulled out a bottle and drank from it. Then there was an odd noise and she spat fire at the door, which burned down. "Oh yeah," she said, then put the bottle away.

Oooh, nice.

Rarity relaxed and the blades stopped. "Let me see what I can do for your tail, darling. I know some nice bob cuts; at the least we MUST make it a nice even cut, not a raggedy one."

She was soon working on trying to turn this tail cut into an asset.

That's Rarity all over.

"Pinkie," I said. I had to stop her. "If you will stop, I will try to teach you the song from our flashback."

"YES!" said, hugging me. I immediately fell down, since Ponies are, in fact, heavy.

This kept her busy until Rarity finished and Fluttershy finished making sure Spitfire wasn't hurt. Rarity cut just a little off her own tail, extended Spitfire's magically just enough for it to be a cute bob instead of a disaster.

"So you can meld hair?" I said.

"Yes, though I'm not sure if it would work pony to human," she said. "You might look good with enough body to maybe curl your hair a little."

"Oh, I'm fine with how it is," I told her. "I was just curious."

I now got a lesson in hair magic as we headed out.

*************

The room looked simple; a big boxy room with a table full of pies on the other end. Soarin' drooled but did not rush to his death, thankfully.

That was apparently Pinkie's job. "FRESH PIE!"

DAMMIT PINKIE!!!!

Applejack lassoed Pinkie before she got far, then dragged her back. "Dammit, woman, it's just pie!"

"Wonderful, tasty pie. It smells sooooo good," Pinkie said, drooling.

"What a sad lack of self-control," Pinkamena, the not-Pinkie, said disapprovingly. "I didn't even realize you'd fall for this. Nicely done, Cruisin'."

She was so... calm.

Maybe even a little grim.

This disturbed me GREATLY.

"Thanks, Pinkamena. Your beauty inspired...ooof..." There was a sound like someone just started grappling Cruisin'.

"Eyes on the PRIZE," Rainbow Crash said.

"Someone needs to do something while I can hold out," Soarin' mumbled.

"We're on it," Ivan said and the two of us went forwards. He also got Rarity to come with us and started showing her how to pick a lock. She picked it disturbingly quickly.

"Pinkie, Pinkie, Pinkie, whatever will I do with you," Pinkamena said, sounding disappointed.

"GIVE ME PIE!" Pinkie shouted. She strained at the rope, her hair weirdly contorting and changing shape, eyes bulging, body quivering.

"What do you think, Madam LeFlour?" Pinkamena said to someone we obviously couldn't see.

"I think Pinkie will never have un boyfriend unless she and Soarin' date ze same pie," 'Madam LeFlour' said. She sounded suspiciously like Pinkamena trying to fake a Prance accent.

"Oh god, not again," Spike groaned.

Dammit, can't disarm traps and talk to Spike at the same time!

"Are you the Power of No Fun?" Applejack asked, clearly amused.

"Dammit, is that bastard Rocky there?" Rainbow Dash said angrily.

"You wanna piece of me? You wanna PIECE OF ME?" Rocky said angrily. Though he sounded suspiciously like Pinkamena trying to fake a Bucklynn accent.

"I am the Power of Influence," Pinkamena said in her normal voice. "I know what moves people and how they interact with each other, using it to my advantage. Unlike my evil twin the nitwit."

"Dammit, Applejack, those pies will not eat themselves, let me go!" Pinkie tried gnawing on the rope. "Ivan, give me some potion so I can turn into a snake and slither out of this!"

"You know, it's still our turn, Pinkamena," Fire Swallow said to Pinkamena.

Pinkamena's voice turned soft and apologetic. "I'm sorry, but I may not have this chance to get through Pinkie's thick skull again. Please forgive me?" She sounded close to blubbering.

My god, it's my soul in Pinkie's body, I realized.

Oh hoh hoh. A worthy challenger!

"Marcus, darling, why are you smiling so much?" Rarity asked me softly.

"Focus, man, or we'll set these traps off on us," Ivan said.

"Sorry, I have to defuse a verbal bomb," I told him. "Rarity, please help Ivan. I have to stop Pinkamena."

"Remember what happened the last time you forgave her?" I told Cruisin'. I actually have no clue but I suspect that he regretted it, yet she found ways to get him to forgive her again.

"I...umm... well, yeah, I still can't use that uniform... they say the stain will never come out..." Cruisin' said hesitantly.

SCORE.

"If Applejack REALLY liked you, she'd let you have the pie and not stop you," Pinkamena said with a third voice, vaguely noble and male in tone.

Pinkie hesitated, eyes wide.

"Don't listen to her," Rainbow Dash said urgently, coming over to Pinkie. "She's just messing with your head!"

"I'll give you a kiss if you forgive me," Pinkamena said to Cruisin'.

Dammit, I can't use that lever. Unless... "You know Rainbow Dash's kisses are better, Cruisin'." HAH!

"Damn straight!" Rainbow Dash shouted. "I mean... I didn't enjoy it AT ALL!" She looked worriedly at Soarin', then frowned when he was clearly too busy staring at the pies to even notice what she said. "I said, I WOULD RATHER KISS SOARIN'!"

Then she turned bright red.

"I'm sorry, did you say something?" Soarin' said to Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow Dash buried her face in her hooves. "Stallions are so DENSE!"

"We have more muscle," Soarin' said.

I would give him an obliviousness award if I had one.

"Your lips are only for ME," Rainbow Crash said. "Back off, Pinkamena!" I heard fast motion swishing.

Fluttershy now flew over to Pinkie. "You know we love you," she said warmly. "Won't you come play with me?"

"Of course!" Pinkie said, relaxing. She and Fluttershy now began playing some kind of clapping game. It seemed to involve clapping their hooves together in elaborate patterns.

I heard Pinkamena make a noise of definite disgust.

"Of course, Rainbow Crash, I just wanted to make it up to Cruisin', and you know how he loves kissing every woman in sight," Pinkamena said apologetically.

Damn, she's good.

"CRUISIN'!"

Now Pinkamena's free to turn on us.

Ivan and Rarity continued to work on the traps, trying to hurry.

Aaargh, I don't know Pinkie well enough to know what a twisted Pinkie's buttons are beyond...

"Pinkamena Diane Pie, go sort the rock harvest!" I shouted.

I heard her run off, then a distant "DAMMIT!"

Man, that's a button a mile wide... unless she's bluffing.

It could be a clever plan to make me THINK she has a huge weakness. I will have to be careful.

Oh yes, I am going to enjoy this.

"As long as it is disarmed, you don't have to perfectly reset it," Ivan said to Rarity.

"A job worth doing is worth doing right," she said, carefully oiling the mechanism.

Ivan rubbed his forehead and I laughed softly. "Okay, it's safe to approach the pies, I think, but they're probably all deathtraps but one."

"Deathtraps?" Soarin' said, frowning.

"Anything edible in a dungeon usually mutates you, or it turns out to have bees inside it," I said.

"Or small dogs which bark up bees when they howl at you," Ivan said.

"And the bees are ON FIRE," I said. Fortunately, I lost the burn scars when I stopped being Aristobolus, I think.

"I can handle dogs," Applejack said.

"Bees? That means honey! Come here, pie full of bees!" Pinkie said, rushing forwards.

Applejack reached for her lasso, then just sighed.

Pinkie scarfed down one of the pies. "Mmm, tasty apples, feels so good, oh yes, oh... dear."

I knew it.

Pinkie now began choking and it took Ivan and myself and Spike all cooperating to get her to cough it up. A RING!

It was a silver ring carved to resemble winds blowing. "Cool," Pinkie said, cleaning it off. She tossed it to Soarin'. "I ate your pie, so you can have the toy that comes with it."

"It's a magic item," I said.

"Yes, but it's clearly for him. I'm sorry," she said.

This ring would comfort him greatly when the next pie, the one he ate, turned out to be full of hermit crabs.

Then they would NOT STOP CLACKING EVERYWHERE. Damn crabs.

Having Pinkie running around with three crabs clinging to her tail saying it reminded her of Gummy did not help.

Though it made Ivan laugh.

Fluttershy soon rounded up the crabs and gave them instructions on how to get to their giant brethren

Once we got everything sorted out, Twilight figured out that the ring augmented a Pegasus' ability to generate and manipulate wind, as you might guess. Soarin' was quite pleased with it.

Rainbow Dash, on the other hand, looked kind of frustrated. Probably because of his romantic blindness. Going to have to do something to help her later.

*************

We now secured the next key from the next room and decided to camp and rest, since Twilight was pretty worn out and everyone else needed a rest too. The fact that none of the treasures we'd found so far had been on Vermicoritax's list made me partly happy (we would keep it all) and partly unhappy (as it meant we still hadn't recovered any of the treasure and we don't have infinite time for it.) But we needed a break.

I pulled Dash aside. "If you don't just make your move, it'll drag on forever, you know."

"Marcus, we can't... wait, what?" Dash said, now confused.

What? Now I'm confused.

"You like Soarin', right?" I said.

"I... like all of the Wonderbolts," Dash told my foot.

"Yes, but this is special, right?"

"I can't tell at all if he's even interested. Whereas my stupid evil twin HAS AN EVIL BOYFRIEND." Dash shook her hooves at the sky. Ceiling. You know what I mean.

"Who kissed you," I said.

"Yes," she said, staring off at the wall and fluttering about aimlessly.

"At least it wasn't YOUR evil twin kissing you," I told her.

"..."

"Look, I'm sure he likes you. Be bold. Isn't that your real self?" I told her.

"But... none of the rest of the couples among them are... dating... in our group," Rainbow Dash said nervously.

OH. I see why she's nervous now. "Well, if an evil Soarin' can love an evil Dash, I can't see why a good one wouldn't," I told her, trying to sound confident. "You're very lovable"

She gave me an odd look. "I... Marcus..." Now she was more nervous. What on earth... OH. She thinks I have a crush on her.

"I just want what will make you happy," I told her, but this clearly made her feel guilty. Dammit, find the right button... "Fortune favors the bold, right?"

"Hell yeah," she said confidently, then got nervous again. "What if he says no?" she squeaked.

"There's a ton of other handsome pegasi," I told her. "And you can't win the race if you don't run it. Be confident. Just imagine it's a race to his heart and go for it."

She closed her eyes, then looked more confident. "I'll go for it!"

She looked over. "Once he stops talking to Spitfire."

I rubbed my forehead. That could be a wait.

Well, I TRIED.

***************

Fluttershy made happy noises as I brushed her coat. Rarity was busy trying to clean her hair. I'd suggested this as I wanted to thank her for all the healing. And you always gain favor. Spitfire kept looking at me funny. I am just helping a friend, woman!

Dash was busy NOT confessing and I wondered what I would have to do to get her in motion.

"Angel Bunny normally helps me with this," Fluttershy said.

"Your boyfriend?" I asked.

"My pet," she said. "He's a cute little white bunny."

"He's a MENACE to all civilized folk," Spike said from over by Twilight. "Need any help, Rarity?"

"You can brush me if you like," Rarity said, then made happy noises when he did.

You're just encouraging him, you know. I could see how this had gone on forever, though. Rarity enjoys attention, he enjoys giving it.

But if they're both happy, I wasn't going to stick my head into it. I let him work and I worked on Fluttershy. Eventually I finished, then she brushed my hair. "You should grow your mane out some, since your coat is so faint and weak," she said.

"It would look nice," Rarity said.

"I'll think about it." I don't know if I will be around that long or if I will LIVE that long, though this is going well so far.

If you can't see your own bones, it is a good day. I'd taken my hat off, so I petted it as Fluttershy worked my hair.

"I guess that is your pet," she said.

"He is a good pet," I said, smiling. "I am very grateful to Rarity."

"I was glad to help you, darling," she said to me.

Ivan was trying to teach a reluctant Applejack and Pinkie a dance. Pinkie was loving it, Applejack had a harder time staying on two legs for it. "Come here," Ivan said to me.

"Hold on, being groomed," I told him.

He facepalmed but soon the four of us joined him in a fancy Karameikan style dance. You needed equal numbers of men and women, so Fluttershy just sang to give us a beat. It was a lot of fun, though Rarity wasn't any more used to two legs than Applejack. But falling down really just made it more fun.

Then the ladies went to talk, Ivan took Spike aside and I went and worked with Twilight for a while, though she was pretty tired and we mainly just read and talked a little. Finally, she said, "Dash thinks you have a crush on her."

I laughed. "I'm not sure why she thinks that. But I think she and Soarin' will do well if they ever get their act together."

Twilight studied my hands and said, "You know about Spike's crush on Rarity, right?" Her voice was soft.

"Yes," I told her. "He's mad at me, but he'll get over it. He's a good guy. But he's young and he has a crush and I expect everyone male who comes near Rarity makes him kind of freak out."

"Yes," Twilight said. "Just be patient, he's only a baby."

"You'd best conserve your strength tomorrow; likely we'll have to throw down with our evil twins and they'll be rested."

"I know, it worries me," she said. "I'm also a little worried about you and Ivan in an area designed to make it hard for Earth Ponies. Even I can probably jump further than you and so on."

"Yes, but we have hands," I said, showing them off. "We'll have to see. One thing, though, is we likely should try to avoid going head to head with our own evil twins, tempting as it is. As if they're the Elements of Power, they can likely take us in our strong points."

Twilight winced. "It's clear Dawn Gleaming has more time to study." She glanced off at Rarity. "I think she really liked helping you with the traps."

"She's got the right mindset for it," I told Twilight. "Working with her is fun. She thinks I should grow my hair out."

"You should," Twilight said. "A good mane is essential for a man's looks." Then she looked embarrassed. "I can't believe I said that."

"I could dye it pink and green to fit in better," I teased her and she laughed.

"Pinkie seemed to find it easy to be a human for a few minutes," Twilight said hesitantly. "To comfort Ivan."

"It was very nice of her. The potion gives you the instincts you need to function well," I told her.

She licked her lips nervously as if wanting to say something but not quite able to say it. I tried to intuit it.

She never did quite find the strength to say it and eventually, we went to bed, leaving me curious. I'd have thought it was related to the plans she'd had to try being human back in the old days, but she has no reason to experiment with that now.

Though I suppose she may just be curious what it's like, assuming she hasn't already tried it out.

I laid down to sleep under a nice warm blanket. With a nice soft pillow. And a cold, hard stone floor.

Well, you can't have it all.

Rarity said softly to me, "Marcus." She sounded rather guilty. This was probably about me getting mangled, I suspected.

"It's okay," I said to her. "Thanks to Fluttershy, I'm all better."

"I hate seeing you get hurt," she said, still guilty. I didn't want her to feel TOO guilty. Owing me is good but, you know, she would have done it for any of us.

"I couldn't let you get hurt, but I know you would have done the same." Hopefully this won't lead to doing suicidal things to try to pay me back.

"It was a very noble thing to do," she said.

Inspired by first my paranoia and then my practicality; I couldn't warn them, so I had to try to slow down the assault. And kind of warned them by getting mangled.

But I got better.

She licked her lips softly. "My parents will want to meet you," she said. "When Father gets some leave."

"I'd be happy to meet him and your sisters," I said to her. I have nothing to fear from him.

Maybe.

Less to fear.

I tried to remember my parents, but they're a blur. There were too many of us. I'm sure of that, but now... Dammit. What is my name? I had been Dmitri at one point, I could feel that for sure now, but before him... tunnels... halls... burrows?

I felt more and more agitated as I grasped at memories and they fought each other. The sword. I think... I'd found it. Several times. Somehow.

It had been a bow... an axe... a sword... something... a mace? Before it was a sword. Something about hornets...

I could see a ruins, layer after layer descending into the earth. Dwarves had dug too greedily, blah, blah, you know the drill. Some days, I'm surprised every dwarf hasn't been eaten yet.

I guess the smart ones take the mithril and run, leaving only the stupid to die.

I saw dead people, halflings, an entire adventuring party wiped out before us, which didn't stop us going deeper.

Because adventurers NEVER listen.

"Marcus."

Why was Rarity in the dungeon with us? Had I met her yet? Damn, I have huge hands...

"Marcus, snap out of it," Rarity said, worried. "Twilight!"

The entire dungeon smelled like ass. That's when I discovered something important. Do not light torches if it smells like rotten eggs.

It had found us, of course, when our cleric was busy praying to Kagyar to heal us. She had a huge beard, too big, really; it was kind of vain, and she was SO vain about it. As it stood, I had the BAD kind of face full of beard when she was trying to heal me and of course I started choking on her beard. This never ends well.

That's when it came through a wall, a three headed serpent made of adamantine, mithril, and rubies. It was a king's fortune, made to kill people. Fundin got eaten right off the bat, though I'm pretty sure we resurrected him after we cut it open and found his feet intact thanks to his AWESOME magical boots. They let him run like a crazy maniac and I envied them so much.

Dored raised his axe and charged berserkly forwards. "GIVE ME YOUR EYES!!!!" he shouted. Dored is a Sryklist; they're a mercantile and craft clan; he's a jeweler, but he's also a great warrior, which we are going to need to stop this damn thing.

"Marcus, snap out of it," Dash said urgently. She shaved her beard? Why? I don't remember her disgracing herself...

"What happened to your beard?" I asked her. "And look out for the snake!" I grabbed her and rolled as she yelped in surprise.

"Beard?" Dash said, confused. Someone stole her beard and is messing with her mind!

"Marcus!" Rarity said, agitated.

"Nothing but a copy wearing out," Pinkamena said mournfully.

"SILENCE!" Rarity snapped angrily and I could feel something magical. When did she start... she has a horn!

No, wait, she always has a horn. Why am I wrestling with Dash... dammit!

Now I felt Rarity somehow touching my mind. Or maybe it was Twilight. Or Twilight AND Rarity. I felt my mind shuffle.

And then the cards fell into place and I was just Marcus again, breathing hard. "I am really sorry, Dash," I said.

"That woman," Rarity said with acid in her voice, "Will pay for this. She is running up a large tab and I intend to collect every bit."

I let go of Dash. "I'm really sorry about that, I thought a giant three headed serpent made of mithril and adamantium was after you," I told her.

"Wow, that would be soooo tasty," Spike said. "Did it have gemstone eyes?"

"Yes," I said.

I looked at Fluttershy, expecting her to tell us copper is tastier but she didn't comment.

She came over. "Sit down, please," she said.

I did so and she checked me over, including getting Twilight to shine her horn in my eyes, leaving me seeing flashing lights. "He should be fine," Fluttershy said.

Rarity was pacing tensely, while Twilight checked me out as well. Ivan was watching me, looking worried.

"So you were hallucinating for no reason?" Dash said, sounding worried.

"It was her," Rarity said, angrily. "She will find it that it is unwise to try and take a unicorn by the horn."

"It's okay," I told her. "We'll get our chance to settle things with them later. If you don't relax, you won't be able to sleep."

"I don't want to relax," Rarity said. "I want to make her pay." She was shivering.

Pinkie now nuzzled her. "It's okay. Evil-me is evil, but I will deal with her."

"You can have Clarity. She probably just needs a hug. But I cannot allow her to do this to Marcus," Rarity said.

"I'll hug Clarity until she's all good and soft and cuddly!" Pinkie said, then said, "But getting so mad is going to give you wrinkles, Rarity."

"I'm sure she wants us to get mad and do crazy things," I told Rarity. "You have to play it cool."

"I can be cool," she said hotly and sat down next to me, sphinx-style.

Wow, she's really worked up. Of course, ponies can bond to people pretty fast. And I know I wouldn't be happy if this happened to her either.

She's strangely impressive when she's angry.

"I think you'll be okay now," Twilight said and yawned. "We should sleep."

Don't think about the past, I decided. Not when I have to hide everything.

Rarity carefully wiped my face with a lace handkerchief. "It will be okay," she said to me softly. "I will protect you as you protected me."

"Thank you, Rarity," I said softly to her, lying down and tucking my pillow in place.

I could hear her pacing again as I fell asleep; I hope she gets enough sleep. We'll need her tomorrow.

***************

The first stage of our return trek went smoothly until we reached the room with the trees and the mist and the angry monkeys. It was now night in that room; who knows what the real time outside was. Twilight enlarged Dash so I could ride on her, then teleported Pinkie and herself to the other side. Spike rode Applejack and Ivan rode in the saddlebags, looking quite silly with his head poking out. Fluttershy could fly herself and Soarin' carried Rarity, with Spitfire pacing him.

"I feel like a member of the Thyatian Air Force," I said as we started across the room.

Dash dodged a hail of coconuts. "And the monkeys are the Alphatians?"

I laughed at that.

Then dozens of bats on fire dove down out of the night sky. DAMN WANDERING MONSTERS!

"Hold on tight," Rainbow Dash said and I paled and bent down to hold on.

Then Soarin' grinned. "Hold on, Rarity."

"Let me do it," Spitfire said. "Maneuver 12-X."

Soarin' suddenly began to climb, higher and higher and I wondered where the ceiling of this room was. Some of the bats gave chase, clumping up and then Spitfire roared through them, flinging them in all directions, many colliding with others to knock them down.

"Bad bats, you should... oh no!" Fluttershy said. Normally fire bats burn plants and eat the ashes. But that would mean slaughtering the trees. No druid could go for that except maybe to make a firebreak to stop a forest fire that wasn't scheduled.

Ivan was throwing apples at the bats that swarmed Applejack, but now one of the trees caught fire with him, Spike and Applejack on it. Spike tried breathing fire but the bats, as you might guess, liked it.

Him punching them in the face... they didn't like that at all.

Or getting kicked by Applejack, though she yelped when she hit them.

Pinkie began some sort of song but I could hardly hear her with all the monkey shouting, coconut and apple flinging and being hauled around at extremely high speed which made me too terrified to do anything but hang on as Rainbow Dash zoomed about, slugging monkeys and throwing firebats hither and yon.

"Fire," I shouted, and she rose up and began whirling to form a cloud while the Wonderbolts skirmished with the bats, battering and tossing them.

Fluttershy joined us and they began forming a storm to put out the flaming tree, as Applejack tried to make her way through the burning branches, dodging monkeys, coconuts, firebats, and coconuts on fire.

I tried to both think of something to do and to focus enough to actually DO it. Everything was spinning so fast...I could hear snatches of Pinkie singing about rings of fire and...

Then lightning balls erupted through the flaming tree, nailing a dozen monkeys at once and sending them plunging into lower branches. Applejack made a break for the next tree and the rain started to come down.

"Hey Crash, you listening?" I shouted.

"I'm here, clone-boy," she said irritably.

"What are you the Power of?"

"Excellence!" Rainbow Crash crowed. "I am the fastest and greatest of racers in all of Equestria! And humble, too!"

"And very cute," Soarin' said. Kissy noises ensued and I regretted asking, though at least now I knew.

It would be useful later, when the real battle began. Very proud, a useful thing to know.

Firebats attacked us but I laid about with my sword, injuring and driving them off, letting Dash and Fluttershy focus on their work; they soon had lots of rain going and now the firebats fled. Dammit, they probably have gems in them or something and they are RUNNING AWAY WITH MY TREASURE.

Dash and Fluttershy finished saving the trees and now we all flew on out and headed back so we could try route three.

************

Book Three (White Plume Mountain): Part 3: Princess Marjorie, I Presume?

Book Three (White Plume Mountain): Part 3: Princess Marjorie, I Presume?

My(stara's) Little Ponies: Friendship is Adventuring
A D&D (Mystara) / My Little Ponies: Friendship is Magic crossover

Book 3: White Plume Mountain
Part 3: Princess Marjorie, I Presume?

By John Biles

***************

We had returned to the center section to start the third part of the dungeon. Etrusca was waiting for us. "Ready for the next riddle?"

"Ready," Twilight said.

"It's probably a hug from Marcus," Ivan said, amused.

I had to give him a manly whack for that. He just laughed.

"It's a coffin. No one wants to end up in one and the dead, of course, don't know they need it," Twilight said.

"You win," Etrusca said, then sighed. "You enjoy your trip. I'll sit here for the rest of my decades to go."

Fluttershy looked thoughtful, then went over to the century flower. She began to sing and the plant stirred.

But then nothing happened. Pinkie began providing musical backing.

And then Fluttershy's element flared to life and suddenly the plant flowered. "Go see your grandchildren," she said, smiling.

I jumped in surprise at the sudden burst of power, but seeing it was just a plant flowering, I managed to calm my fit of panic. I'd seen the Elements in action before, but this was a dungeon and anything here could kill you. Even nice things.

Etrusca stared, eyes wide. "You... thank you!"

Being hugged by a sphinx made Fluttershy very happy, though she also looked to be in danger of being squished.

Etrusca then said, "Thank you all! Enjoy the rest of the dungeon!"

I'll enjoy the treasure, anyway.

She took off and we headed off down the undefended hallway.

************

I patted Rarity's back. "Calm down, you'll make yourself sick," I told her.

We were headed down the tunnel into the third area, which I suspected would have wall to wall undead.

"I am fine," she insisted, but I could tell otherwise. It was kind of nice to have someone angry on my behalf, but anger leads to impulsive action which leads to PAIN and DEATH.

That being said, as the man who threw himself in front of rock monsters for her, I can't complain about impulsiveness.

"Wait, WHAT?" Dash said to Spitfire, who buried her face in her hooves. Then she glanced at me, eyes wide, then back at Spitfire.

If that's her telling Dash I was Erik, the whole world would soon know and then I will DIE HORRIBLY. Dammit, I do not need more things to...

Ivan stopped me. "Keep your foot in the air before you hit the trigger."

He and Rarity disarmed the pressure plate my foot was an inch above, and then we moved on; I determined to pay attention more. I have to make sure Rarity doesn't get hurt trying to keep me from getting hurt. I couldn't stand that.

************

The next trap was pretty slick. Basic pit trap goes off. Applejack, of course, easily dodged it, then jumped over it. Landing on ANOTHER pit trap and then she slid down a greased slide into a tank full of sharks.

Pinkie, of course, deliberately jumped in and not just to help Applejack, but because it was a greased slide. "WOOHOO!"

The floor turned transparent, so we could watch them. The Wonderbolts and Dash flew down and rioting ensued, water churning wildly. Fluttershy carefully flew down and began trying to ask the sharks to stop but they were apparently too mean to care.

Ivan and I wouldn't be much use, so we worked our way down the hallway, removing traps or disarming them. Twilight began using her power to grab sharks so her friends could slug them, while Rarity watched warily and worked with Ivan and I.

Finally, Fluttershy said, "Turn them upside down."

To my surprise, this knocked them out quickly. Dang.

We then helped them all clamber up, using ropes and telekinesis. Rainbow Dash soon dried everyone off. "That was easy," Dash said. "How does that work?"

"They can't get air if they are upside down as moving forces their gill slits shut," Fluttershy said. "And sharks have to always keep moving to breathe. Anyway, they should recover now."

I expect earth ponies on their own either wouldn't fall in if careful or could fight them all off enough to escape.

Maybe.

That's the thing about dungeons. You have a CHANCE, but it's not guaranteed. And sometimes requires you to more or less guess what the creator of it is thinking.

I'm kind of surprised the sharks weren't undead, really.

************

We moved through a series of twisty, bendy hallways which took us up and down ramps and around and around until our sense of direction was utterly gone.

Which is why Twilight carries a compass.

Things went slowly as she insisted on carefully mapping out the mess of hallways so we could return more easily. This meant, at times, having Ivan or myself lie down so we could be used as a measuring stick. Our hands got used a lot too.

Pinkie sighed. "This rock reminds me of Gummy. I hope he's okay."

Unless Gummy is an irregular ovoid of brown rock with flecks of silver, I am not sure how this works.

Maybe he is.

"I hope Opalescence is okay," Rarity said. "Given we took Ponyville's town vet with us."

"I'm sure Apple Bloom and her friends will make sure they get fed," Applejack said. "They won't get distracted." Everyone looked at her dubiously. "Okay, I can't lie. It's a good thing Winona can hunt her own food if she has to." She sighed. "Big Mac and Granny will take care of Winona, but he's got double work with me gone."

"You should hire a hand or two, darlin," Rarity said. "Until you or Big Mac or eventually Apple Bloom get married, you could really use some help."

"I got Snails handlin' the weeding," Applejack said a little stubbornly. "And Apple Bloom is supposed to help."

"Like when she tried to help turn the grain silo into an airship," Rarity pointed out.

"Sweetie Belle helped too, you know," Applejack said, sounding frustrated.

"I know some handsome fellows, they would be glad to help you out," Rarity continued.

"I don't need no boyfriend," Applejack said. "Not everyone thinks about romance."

"If someone in your family doesn't, the Apple family ends here with your generation," Rarity said flatly.

"We can argue over who gets bred together to produce the ultimate cosmic pony messiah later," Pinkie said. "Less talking, MORE MAPPING."

Rarity produces incredibly beautiful maps, but it takes forever, as she wants to put each room in a 3-d cutaway with all the details. Twilight finds this so great, she tends to encourage her.

As we slowly picked our way through, distantly, we heard, "Dammit, I know those ponies are around here somewhere. I can smell them!" The voices were rough and growly in tone.

"I know, but we just went round the same loop TWICE," another one growled.

"Dammit, we're supposed to be the wandering monsters, not THEM. Why can't they stand still so we can eat them?" a third complained.

I had to put my hand over my mouth not to laugh.

Twilight quickly wrote on paper, 'Let's hide and ambush. Dash, Soarin', you're designated bait.'

We tried to hide around corners; Pinkie put on her Boots of Spider-Pinkie and clung to the ceiling with Spitfire hidden next to her and Fluttershy lurking by her. Dash and Soarin' floated in the middle of a five-way intersection. "Oh, Dash, we're finally alone," Soarin' said, trying to be smooth. "We can do anything we want."

Rainbow Dash turned beet red. "Anything? Like... anything anything?"

"Anything you like," he said. "Even upside down."

"You wouldn't rather I was a pie, right?" she said, then clearly wanted to die.

"You're much better than pie," he said, "Fair lady Rainbow Dash." He took her hoof and kissed it. "Your beautiful hair... reminds me of the dawn. Your skin is... the sky on a fair spring morning."

Holy shit, he CAN be smooth. He...

Then I noticed Twilight had out her copy of _Tales of Forbidden Pony Love_ and was concentrating, horn glowing, hoof moving along the page and at times jumping around.

...

Dash was blushing furiously, and she tried to speak and it just came out squeaky.

"When you soar across the sky, there is nothing more I want than... to see you fly forever, to fly with you..." His voice wobbled, then became more smooth. Something about how he was hovering...

I could hear our foes creeping closer but my hearing wasn't good enough to tell exactly how many. I got ready to throw lightning balls or fire, depending on what these are.

PLEASE BE HURT BY LIGHTNING OR FIRE.

Rainbow Dash looked overwhelmed, and then I realized, she's about to RUN. No, don't run! You'll run RIGHT INTO OUR FOES. I just know it.

"Rarity, she's about to panic and run," I whispered.

Rarity had this goofy smile that surprised me and didn't even reply.

...

Then he kissed her and her hair tried to explode and then she grabbed him and then...

Down three tunnels, six half-man, half-wolf creatures armed with golden blades erupted into sight. They howled and I felt my blood chill. The urge to run for my life was very strong. I'd seen this really good place to hide a ways back.

But then Rarity fired a silver arrow at one of them, hitting him in the hand so he dropped his blade, and Twilight hurled lightning and Pinkie hit one of them in the face with a pie and Applejack and Ivan flanked one of them and began battering him and Rainbow Dash and Soarin' each back kicked one, then released the kiss and CHARGED, sending foes flying, even as Spitfire came down on them.

One of them rushed at us, howling and I moved to block him and guard Rarity, cursing my legs for moving me there, and we clashed sword against sword. He slowly pushed me back with his superior strength, until Ivan suddenly came up behind him and stabbed him in the back. Unfortunately, the wound immediately began to close up to Ivan's frustration. Applejack's magical horseshoes, on the other hand, left their mark on every foe.

"We need to get you a magic weapon," I told him.

"One that I can hold onto, yeah," he said, frustrated. Then he got slammed down by the werewolf, but now I stabbed it in the back and Rarity shot it in the leg. It fled, bleeding and she recovered her arrow.

I helped Ivan back up. "I hope you didn't get cut," I told him.

"I think Fluttershy should be able to treat it in time," he said nervously.

I hope so, as the last thing we need is Ivan going mad and trying to eat us in the middle of the night.

I suddenly wondered if Princess Luna sets off lycanthropes. That could get awkward.

The werewolves finally fled after some more beating and Fluttershy carefully treated us all; you can get infected if a werewolf hurts you, though the swords, hopefully, would not convey it.

We took the three they dropped; they looked valuable and weren't on the dragon's treasure list, thankfully. Then we headed on.

**************

We finally got out of the maze, but the next room made me very nervous. It was rough and irregular in shape with a series of hexagonal platforms hanging down on huge chains from the ceiling, over bubbling boiling hot mud, twenty feet down. You clearly had to jump from platform to platform in order to get across, while not falling in the boiling mud.

"Hah, this one is easy. If you're a PEGASUS," Rainbow Dash said, grinning.

Too easy. "Be careful."

"I'll just..."

Spitfire looked at her.

"Wait quietly for orders," Dash grumbled, then looked at Soarin' and got googly eyed. "Hahaha."

"What are you thinking?" Twilight asked me.

"If this is the Earth Pony route, I'd expect them to make it hard to just fly past things," I told her.

"The Unicorn route didn't," Twilight said thoughtfully.

"It will," Applejack said. "Assuming evil-me had a race with evil-Dash like I did, and that evil-Dash cheats as much or more as the real one..."

"HEY! You started cheating too!," Rainbow Dash protested.

"No cheating," Not-Applejack said with a remarkably... elegant... voice. "A lady does not cheat or break the rules and though my evil twin is a churlish boor, I know she plays by the rules."

Rarity made a happy sigh. "You sound quite delightful. What is your name, madam?"

"I am Apple Blossom, the Element of Elegance," she said with a voice like silk.

Applejack's mouth was wide open.

So was mine. ELEGANCE? Okay, I like Elegance, but you'd expect... what? Then I remembered what she'd told me... this version of her must have stuck it out and become a true Manehattanite lady of sophistication.

"What kind of POWER is Elegance, anyway?" Applejack said, still kind of stunned.

"Marcus darling, would you be kind enough to explain to Applejack, in words of one or two syllables?" Apple Blossom said sweetly.

Rarity snickered and Applejack glared at her.

"Is it Elegance specifically, or the whole complex of behaviors and wealth which gives the upper crust of society power?" I asked Apple Blossom.

"The latter, but I think Elegance is a more beautiful way to put it, and I appreciate beauty, unlike my poor hick clone."

"I am not a HICK! I take care of my family and live NATURALLY," Applejack said angrily. "And don't talk all frou-frou like you! You're living a lie!"

"You simply had no patience and no persistence You hit the slightest obstacles and gave up on your dream. I held to mine and grew into it as time passed. The lie is what you told yourself to convince yourself it was acceptable to give up," Apple Blossom said. "If you were real, anyway. As it stands, you just have implanted memories, sad shadow of me." She sounded very pitying. Then we heard drinking noises. "Glantrian peach wine. Not quite as good as what we make at home but you can't take your best wines to a dungeon."

"I agree completely," Pinkamena said with a Prance accent. "Ze smell of dung and sulfur and mud would ruin ze fine bouquet of your orange brandies. In zat case, zere is no point to opening them in the first place."

"I agree, Madam LeFlour," Apple Blossom said. "Still, if you all make it across this alive, there are two bottles of fine peach wine waiting for you, and glasses. Try not to break them, Applejack, they're expensive."

"I ain't no clumsy filly no more! I ain't spilled wine on myself in YEARS," Applejack said angrily.

"She's trying to rile you so you screw up," I said softly to Applejack. "Don't let her play you."

"You spilled wine on yourself? AHAHAHA!" Rainbow Dash began laughing.

DAMMIT, DASH.

"Be nice," Fluttershy said, then stepped back a step. "If you don't mind."

"I'll show you I can do this!" Applejack said. "And I don't need no damned Elegance to do it!"

"No, wait!" I said.

Too late, Applejack leaped onto the first platform, which swung forward, then onto the next. But soon they were crashing into each other and further, the platforms LEANED when you landed on them, so you started to slide off them. Applejack was crazily good enough to keep leaping around but now she was stuck and had to keep running to avoid falling.

"Spitfire, get under the one she's on, Dash, you and I will stabilize the chain," Soarin' said, and they took off together.

"I believe I said there would be no flying. You had fair warning," Apple Blossom said, then sipped more wine.

Huge spouts of boiling hot mud erupted up, forcing the flying ponies back; they were good enough to dodge it but had to retreat.

Spike now curiously held his hand out over the mud, looking thoughtful. It jetted up and hit his hand but he resisted it and then wiped his hand off. "I can take the heat." He began studying the situation.

"I'm fine! I can do this!" Applejack said, jumping again. "I can beat any test of athletics!"

"I'm surprised you didn't have a test of elegance," Rarity said hopefully.

"The machine does not allow no-win scenarios; there must always be a sliver of hope and Applejack would have no hope there," Appleblossom said, then sipped her wine again. "And it would be unlady-like and gauche to hit someone on their weakest point. Besides intelligence, anyway."

"I HEARD THAT!"

The clanging of the platforms was enough to make me nearly go crazy. I could tell Twilight found it hard to think and Ivan was covering his ears and studying the situation. He looked pretty pissed off.

Pinkie was studying the chains thoughtfully, while the Pegasi all looked frustrated, except for Fluttershy, who was studying the moss and fungi growing on the walls. Rarity kept studying the mud as if it might rise up and render her tainted forever.

"Applejack," Ivan shouted. "Buck the chains! This is just another herd, made of metal! Pinkie, if both of you are on the same platform, you can level it out."

Applejack got a grim smile on her face and now began kicking chains as she leaped around, beginning to impose order on the cacophony and chaos around her. Pinkie leaped out to join her, Spider-Pinkie boots deployed, and they worked on herding the platforms.

"I see your common attunement to foul-smelling farm animals enabled you to help her," Not-Ivan said. He had a bit of a Thyatian accent, which surprised me.

"Would you like some wine, my dear friend Niccolo?" Apple Blossom said gracefully.

"Niccolo?" I said in disbelief. That's a Caurenzian name. They're basically 'budget Thyatis' up in Glantri. Also, MORE crazy.

"Niccolo Aurelianus, at your service, 'Marcus'," he said, making my name wobble in his mouth. You could hear the quote marks. "Baron Niccolo Aurelianus to be precise."

Ivan stared like the world was now ENDING and he had to watch.

"Baron?" I said. Then I remembered the ship.

I wonder if 'Sammy' is a Count.

"Of Novgorod," Niccolo said. "Grand Duke Stefan is always willing to reward service to the realm." I heard an oddly liquid noise, then the sound of him drinking. "As always, your concoctions are superb, my fair lady Apple Blossom."

"Tres magnifique," Pinkamena said with the fake Prance accent. Or maybe it's meant to be New Averoignean. They're similar.

"And you became a Thyatian how?" I asked.

"I think you know all about that," Niccolo said.

FUCK ME.

TRIPLE FUCK ME.

Rarity now looked very thoughtful. Oh bloody hell.

"You can tell me," Spike said, frowning.

Was Twilight listening? She seemed to be watching Applejack carefully, but surely she's not deaf.

"Blood doesn't matter," Niccolo said. "Each person makes themself, whoever their ancestors were. What matters is who you choose to be and what you do with what you have." His voice was smooth and confident; he was clearly a man who had made himself into what he wanted to be and knew what that was. I had to envy him a little. I've remade myself a thousand times, it seems but it never sticks. And it doesn't... I have to always live in fear of being found out. Or those times I don't, it all blows up.

Twilight's breath caught. She's listening. And I remember it too.

"Precisely," Apple Blossom said. There was a bit of an odd liquid noise, then she said, "We looked in the mirror and saw we could be something better and made it so. You both looked in the mirror and ran away. Which is why you're sweating in a room full of boiling mud and we're enjoying mixed drinks and sitting in comfort, enjoying the fruits of our labor."

Ivan looked ready to choke someone. "Because you're parasites! You make me SICK!"

"We are high society. What you think of us does not matter," Pinkamena said with an effort at a deep male voice. There was just a trace of a Prance accent. "It is what we think of you which will shape your reputation and influence. Not that you have any, Ivan, son of Pieter. No one will remember your name." 'He' sounded sad, really.

"We'll remember," Pinkie shouted as she worked on helping Applejack to herd everything. "And I'll tell everyone else and they'll remember! Who cares if some rich snobs remember? They're all stick-in-the muds who wouldn't know fun if it BIT them. Come help us, Ivan! They're not worth it."

I'm not sure what exactly Ivan can do to help them, but he ran and joined them, leaping chain to chain at Applejack's command.

"True elegance exalts, it does not tear down," Rarity said firmly. "You should not look down on others if..."

"You hardly have any right to say that and you know it," Apple Blossom said and took another sip of her wine. "You think the same about Applejack as I do, and you've said it."

Rarity looked rather uncomfortable.

"Don't let her rile you," I said softly to Rarity, hands on her back.

"Perhaps I have," Rarity said softly. "But I can apologize and I know you will not." She now turned and went to try to help Applejack out, though Ivan was soon having to try to keep her from falling in.

So I went to help as well, and so did the pegasi, jumping instead of flying. Eventually, we calmed the swinging platforms and got everyone across.

Despite my irritation with them, I took the wine and passed it to Applejack. "You earned this."

"I am a mite curious," she confessed. "I was too young for alcohol when I was in Manehattan but some of the drinks sounded interesting." She sighed. "I'm glad I didn't grow up and turn into that."

Rarity gently nuzzled Applejack. "I hope I don't make you feel like that," she said. "I am very disappointed in their bad manners."

"Manners ain't about what kind of straw you use or how you do your hair, it's about takin' care of your own and being honest with yourself and others," Applejack said to her. She smiled at Rarity. "We fight sometimes, but you ain't like that. C'mon, we've got to finish this path so we can get the dragon's treasure and get our peace treaty, so we can head back home before Big Mac dies of overwork."

"Agreed," Rarity said, then looked at the hot mud and sighed. "Not a proper mud bath at..." Then she looked at herself. "I am utterly filthy." She sighed. "I could hide it but I would just FEEL filthy."

They all were, hot mud was wafting up in the steam and had stuck to them. To all of us. Ugh, I am going to feel nasty forever now.

Forever!

"Well, we have to press on," Twilight said. "Sorry, Rarity."

"Sometimes, a lady must get a little dirty," Rarity said. "I wonder who these other people with them are, though."

...

"It's Pinkie doing voices," I said. "Evil Pinkie."

"From some game she plays sometimes," Rainbow Dash said. "Damn that Rocky punk."

"You wanna piece of me?" Pinkamena said with a deeper voice and a Bucklynn accent.

Pinkie looked embarrassed for a moment, then said, "I think someone's been playing the game so long she can't stop," she whispered.

"As if you can," Pinkamena said in her normal voice.

Pinkie winced, but then she looked determined. Then her eyes widened. "Ooh, I bet I'll have to make a rock monster laugh or something next! Come on, I want to see what I'm going to do!"

As if she was 'discovering' it. But I laughed. "Let's go!"

************

I stared at the slope. UGH. It was like climbing a mountain INSIDE a mountain. The slope went up into steamy mists which did not look fun either. Further, I could hear movement inside the fog.

"Man, I wish I hadn't lost my climbing gear," Ivan said, then sighed.

"We'll have enough after this to restock," I said.

Twilight looked thoughtful. "Describe it to me."

He listed off his equipment and then she closed her eyes, horn glowing, sweat running down her brow. And then suddenly...

BEAR.

A huge bear appeared, rearing over Ivan and myself and Twilight, with dark black fur with streaks of blue, and with huge claws.

"Climbing gear, not climbing BEAR," Rainbow Dash said, laughing.

"Wait!" Fluttershy said and interposed herself between the bear and Ivan, though she looked scared. But then she collected herself and talked gently to the bear, which now agreed to let Ivan ride it, in return for Pinkie's three jars of honey. Pinkie waved goodbye to the honey sadly, then found a shiny rock and forgot the honey ever existed. "So shiney!"

Twilight looked at me.

"I think it best not to press our luck," I told her. "If I borrow some of Applejack's rope, I can rig something up."

In fact, Applejack was kind enough to let me rig a halter on her and basically secure myself to her with it. She'd help pull me and I'd pull myself as much as I could. "Thanks, Applejack."

"Hey," she said softly. "You were right to worry about Dash earlier. And everything. I guess you have good instincts for this kind of place."

"I know dungeons like you know apples," I told her. "I suppose if humans had cutie marks, I'd have a trap on my leg."

She laughed. "But then you'd have to go naked for us to see it."

"Yeah," I told her. "Okay, I'm ready."

Slowly, we picked our way up the slope. It was very tiring, though Pinkie, Applejack, Dash, and the Wonderbolts had no trouble with it, even on foot.

So we kept going, sweat pouring down us; it got hotter and muggier as we rose. I could not have done it without Applejack. At least not without a lot of stopping.

Once we were halfway up, Fluttershy flopped over. "Tired," she squeaked.

"Okay, five minute break," Applejack said. She'd taken the lead on this.

Twilight stumbled over to me. "So tired."

"Me too," I said to her.

Ivan, to my surprise, was doing stretches next to his bear, which was busy eating up the honey.

"You need more exercise, girl. You can't always book-learn your way through it," Applejack said, though she was breathing a little hard herself.

"I know," Twilight said. "I just have too much to do."

"OOOOOKKKK!!!!" something shouted in the mist. Then barrels began rolling down the slope at us.

...

Twilight fired a lightning barrage, and half of them blew up, then blew up again.

...

We all began dodging wildly and blasting at barrels with fire and arrows and apples and rocks and pies and really, just about anything. When something hit them, they exploded. The ooking noises continued. Stupid gorillas.

"I have a plan," Spike said. "I ride at the front of our group; any barrels that come our way, I mail them to our evil twins. Keep tight behind me and we press up."

"Good idea, Spike, but won't it wear you out?" Twilight asked.

"I can nap in your saddlebags," he said.

Ivan mounted his bear. "Let's go!"

With Spike clearing the way for us with gouts of flame, we rushed up the mountain and into the mists, which Fluttershy parted with a song. Go druids!

Gorillas. Dozens of angry gorillas and a huge stock of barrels.

"LIGHTNING STORM!" Twilight shouted and blasted them and that set off the rest and now there were howling gorillas raining from the sky and the mountainside shook.

Dash, Spitfire, and Soarin' took to the air, whipping up winds to toss the gorillas aside to tumble down the mountainside, then realized they'd broken the rules. But apparently, our foes were too busy snarking or something, and nothing happened.

Until we were nearly at the top; we could see the cave to go into.

And then a purple worm erupted from it. He was huge, maybe twenty feet across and dozens of feet long and he basically swallowed Dash, Spitfire and Soarin' in one gulp, then tried to tunnel away. Applejack lassoed his tail end and Pinkie hitched herself to it, preventing him tunneling back into the rock. Fluttershy tried talking to him but he didn't seem to care.

"The wine! Throw it down to them and Spitfire can use it to augment her trick," Twilight said, looking satisfied.

The wine went down its gullet, then smoke poured out and it now coughed them up and fled.

We now stumbled into the cave for a rest.

****************

It was impossible to get Dash, Soarin', and Spitfire fully clean, though they rolled around on the walls and Rarity sacrificed some cloth to wipe them up. We all had an apple for a snack and eventually managed to muster the energy to rise and continue. Spike was now napping inside Twilight's saddlebags.

Filthy and bedraggled as we were. We emerged into a great bowl, open to the sky. It couldn't be the main caldera or maybe something extradimensional was going on. But there was a huge cool lake of water and on the other side, the exit back into the mountain.

Fluttershy talked to the fish. "They say it's safe, just don't eat their plankton."

No danger of that. We all plunged gratefully into the water to swim.

And swim and swim and swim.

By halfway, the earth ponies were fine, the pegasi were getting by, but the rest of us were exhausted, though Ivan was doing better than I would have thought.

I wanted to sleep forever, but I pressed on, Rarity swimming alongside me.

"I wish I had my diving gear," Applejack said. "It looks interesting down there."

"We're on a time budget," Twilight said.

"What if some of the dragon's treasure is hidden down there?" Dash asked.

"I can let us breath water," Fluttershy said. She smiled brightly. "It helps me visit my fishy friends."

She cast the spell and we dove down and began searching underwater. Eventually, Rarity spotted a gold coin and then some silver and soon we found a patch of earth which had been recently disturbed. Applejack and Pinkie easily dug up THREE chests of treasure. Oh yeah, Dash, you are the best pony!

As we loaded them into saddlebags, the sharks came back for round two.

In freshwater?

Unfortunately for the sharks, the Wonderbolts and Dash are quite mobile in water, and while we all got more tired, it was not too hard to incapacitate this group as well. We climbed out of the water and flopped down, exhausted, on the far shore of the lake and by a group decision, took a group nap.

A decision which consisted of lying there until we fell asleep.

*************

In our sleep, someone installed a nice wooden platform overlooking the lake and three nice soft chairs with attached fishing rods, so you could sit and fish in comfort.

"Why three if only two of us can sit?" Spitfire asked.

"Ivan has enough potion we could all sit!" Pinkie said. "Or we could turn into monkeys, then sit. Hmm... I wonder if I would still have a pink bottom?"

...

"Much as I'd like more fish, it's probably a trap," Ivan said. "I'm too tired to fish."

THAT is tired.

*************

Eventually, we got our butts in motion into the cave, heading downwards gradually. Slowly, it got cooler, which helped and we were a little less filthy from the lake, though I would have liked a full bath. But not an option yet.

I had this horrible feeling we were going to have to schmooze someone while utterly filthy and disgusting.

We stopped in a cave of fungus for lunch, and Rarity, Spike, Twilight, and I ran inventory on the treasure from the lake floor. ALL OF IT belonged to the dragon. If we hadn't gone looking for it, we couldn't have returned it.

"Dash, how did you think to look?" I asked her.

"Just a gut hunch," she said.

"Did your gut wiggle or squiggle?" Pinkie asked.

"We are not going to start looking for twitches in my gut," Dash said flatly.

"But it worked," Pinkie said.

"Yes, but only I can feel my gut anyway," Dash said. "Also, what the hell is going on with Pinkamena and her voices and your game thing?"

Pinkie said, "Pie," and got out a pie and stuffed it all in her mouth.

"Come on, Pinkie, we need to know," I told her.

She licked her lips nervously. "When I was a kid, I didn't have any friends, just my sisters. Sometimes, I'd make up friends to play with. When I get lonely, they come back." She licked her lips nervously. "I don't know if Pinkamena's ever left."

"So it's just ventriloquism," I said.

"And puppetting," Pinkie said, embarrassed. "It's just..."

"She's good with people, though," I said. "I wouldn't think she'd need the imaginary friends."

"She uses them to help her move people," Rarity said, startling me. She'd been busy eating and I'd forgotten she was there. "Like the way 'Rocky' can make Dash get angry."

"He's a CHUMP," Dash said, then slapped her forehead. "Aaargh!"

"Rocky is a teamster from Bucklynn," Pinkie said. "Mr. Turnip sells cabbages city to city."

Why cabbages?

"Madam LeFlour is from Mareis in Prance and she's a high society lady. Sir Lintsalot is a warpony and minor noble from Prance. He has pledged to defend all women," she continued.

Pinkie rambled on; her imaginary friends had long detailed histories, and an idea hit me. "You should write a book, Pinkie."

"Me?" she said, stunned by the idea.

"It could star your imaginary friends and then they'd be busy and happy with promoting themselves and making new friends every time someone reads about them." Rule one, find out how people think.

"Oh that would be wonderful for them. They're good people but don't make friends easily," Pinkie said.

Rarity blinked.

Dash buried her face in her hooves.

"I'm sure Twilight can help you with getting it published," I told her. I know Darokin sells printing presses to Equestria and they probably make their own but I don't know how the printing business is organized. But Twilight either knows or can easily find out. "It would make a great birthday present for Twilight too, if you can get it written in time."

Pinkie squealed happily. I smiled. Favor, curried, check. Info useful for dealing with Pinkamena, check. Now to eat and let my brain begin brewing.

I feel the first throes of a plan coming on.

****************

"You sure that's wise?" Dash asked me once we got going again.

"Maybe," I told her. "Some people write stories so the story will get out of their head and onto the paper. If nothing else, she'll make some bits off it which she can use to throw better parties."

Dash looked at Spitfire, who was upfront with Ivan. "She's a bit of a hardcase, you know."

"I know," I said. "But the Wonderbolts need hardcases too. People who make sure things get done. It's why they're so effective."

"I..." She paused. "You weren't telling Soarin' what to say, right? 'Cause it was kind of the way you talk."

"I promise it wasn't me, though I would have done it if he asked." I put my hand over my heart. "He's a good guy and really likes you. He's just not smooth like I am."

"I'd rather it be his own words, but the smooth language... he thinks I'm beautiful." Her eyes glazed over and she flew gently into the wall. "Oww."

"It's a man's duty to make his woman feel special," I told her. "If you love someone, you use every tool you have to make sure they know how your heart sings when you are with them, how you catch your breath when they walk by, how touching them makes you feel all shivery inside."

Dash was red and shivering a bit herself. "You really are a smooth talker." She paused. "So it wasn't you."

"It wasn't me," I told her. "I swear I am telling the truth. I'd confess if it was me."

"But no one else in this group is smooth like that. I guess Rarity is but she's... elegant instead of poetic." Dash frowned. "Is that right?"

"I'm sure she could be poetic," I told Dash as we still tromped along, slowly descending. Thankfully, there were few traps so far on the downhill run.

Dash nodded, then looked a little nervous. "You're not trying to romance Twilight, right?"

...

"Does Spitfire think that?" I asked.

"I... no, of course not," Dash said frantically.

So yes, she does.

"I am not trying to romance Twilight," I told her. If she was human... though there is the whole possibility of shapeshifting...

But I'd have to tell her the truth and then I would DIE.

"I... umm..." Dash laughed nervously. "You had many girlfriends?"

"Yes," I told her. "Some of them want me dead, some of them... well, family and other things got in the way. Anyway, I hope you and Soarin' will be happy together. Good luck."

"Thanks. That's pretty big of you," she said.

Because you think I have a crush on you.

My brain suddenly clicked. Spitfire must have thought I was trying to chase Dash AND Twilight at the same time. Ahah! Well, this should relieve her fears.

Which reminded me of something. "Dash..." I made a 'come hither' gesture.

Dash hovered close to my head. "What's up?"

"At some point, there will almost certainly be a fake Erik who will try to take advantage of Twilight but will actually be a doppleganger or incubus or some other horrible thing. We have to be ready to stop it."

"What if it's the real thing?" Dash said.

"If we beat up the real Erik, we can apologize. I'm sure he'll understand why we did it."

I hope there's not a Dona Carlotta. I don't want to play the fool but I probably would.

Which means we'll probably find 'Erik' and 'Dona Carlotta' busy making out or something.

Then Twilight and I will rush forward and die together.

Dammit.

**************

We now came round several bends and reached a bridge over a chasm. A single pony in full plate armor with lance rig, stood on the bridge, wearing livery which was golden with a black lance on it. You couldn't be sure if it was male or female, and it spoke with a hollow, echoing voice. "I am the Black Knight. One of your number must joust with me if you are to pass."

"Oh come on, this kind of thing has been old-hat in Equestria since hundreds of years ago!" Applejack protested.

"Nonetheless, none shall pass until one of your number defeats me," he said. "Whoever I defeat will become my servant."

"We don't even have any lances," I said.

"You certainly do not by pony standards," the Black Knight said.

...

Ivan began laughing, even though he's human too.

Most of the ponies just looked confused, but Soarin' and Rainbow Dash both began laughing hysterically and Rarity and Twilight both looked at each other's heads... oh, horn, right.

"Do any of us know how to build a lance rig?" I asked.

"I could do it if I had a hammer and nails and wood and everything," Applejack said, frowning. "Ain't exactly fair with him being all armored up."

"Well, if we had an actual LANCE, we could enlarge someone and Marcus or I could ride them and carry the lance," Ivan said.

I really do not want to face a warpony when wearing leather armor. REALLY. I shivered at the thought.

"Maybe the potion could turn one of us into a lance," Pinkie said.

"It can only make you into something alive," I said. "Unless it's a lot more potent than normal ones."

"What exactly are the terms of this joust?" Rarity asked the Black Knight. "How do you win?"

"We joust on the bridge. Whoever falls off the bridge loses."

"How exactly does the loser survive to serve the winner?" I asked, looking down into the chasm, which plunged into steaming mist.

"The..." The Black Knight paused and looked down into the chasm.

"I can catch the loser," Dash said.

Dammit, Dash, I was going to try and maneuver him into some other kind of contest!

The Black Knight relaxed a little.

"Enlarge this," Rarity said determinedly to Twilight, presenting an arrow to her.

"Wait, you're going to joust him?" I said in surprise.

"I am going to equip Applejack, since she's our best pony for this," Rarity said.

Twilight enlarged the arrow to the size of a lance.

Rarity then took Applejack off around the corner and a lot of clanking noises ensued. When they returned, Applejack was clad in a suit of plate armor which she moved awkwardly in, complete with lance rig.

Where did Rarity get a suit of plate armor? Surely she doesn't carry material to make plate armor. Then again, those saddlebags can hold a LOT of stuff.

It suddenly struck me that you could set up a really nice little bedroom inside one of those things, for camping on the road.

I'll stash that idea for later, I thought.

The Black Knight saluted her, and she saluted back, then they both pawed the ground. I shifted back and forth nervously on my feet. I don't know what we'll do if Applejack fails, though if any of us can take down a warpony in a joust, it's her.

Then it hit me. Rarity wasn't wearing her hat. THAT was where the armor came from. But would it be good enough for a real fight?

It even had Applejack's cutie mark inscribed on the flanks with cut crystal. Nice.

I really hope that armor can take it, or Applejack is going to get badly hurt. And I can tell she knows it but is trying not to show it. I'm pretty good at reading people, though ponies are harder, because only some of their body language is the same. Thankfully, they tend to have fairly human facial expressions. But I can see the tension in how she is moving.

"Everyone sing!" Pinkie shouted.

o/~ Applejack the Fair stood bravely before the Black Knight.

o/~ Applejack the Fair knew it was time for a fight!

o/~ She would strive with all of her might!

o/~ For in her heart, she knew her cause was right!

We all tried to sing along; given Pinkie was making this up as she went along... it wasn't easy.

Applejack pawed the ground, but she seemed to draw strength from our show of support. "You'd better keep your promise," she said to the Black Knight.

"I always keep my promises," he said. Or she. It was hard to tell.

Pinkie suddenly faltered in her song. She stared at him intently. "Show your face."

"I never take off my helmet when battle is immanent," he said firmly.

"Are you Sir Lintsalot?" Pinkie asked, hand on her hips.

Rainbow Dash made a strangled noise and I said, "Isn't he someone you made up?"

"Just because I made him up doesn't mean he's not real," Pinkie said patiently.

...

"Yes, it is, the brave Sir Lintsalot. I've come to save you from those horrible ponies who mistreat you, Pinkie," he said boldly.

...

"You look so dashing in your armor," Pinkie said, smiling.

"Thank you, Pinkie," Sir Lintsalot said boldly.

"So... there's nothing but lint inside that armor," Dash said hesitantly.

What? Okay, the name is connected, but surely Pinkie wouldn't imagine a knight who was made of lint.

Not even Pinkie.

"I AM NOT MADE OF LINT!," Sir Lintsalot said angrily.

However, I now could see that someone had engraved a pile of lint with a lance on it on the flank of his armor.

...

Maybe he's the weirdest golem ever. And I have seen a golem made out of children's toys and squirrel bones.

Damn Glantrian child wizards.

NEVER EVER agree to babysit in Glantri. Not pets, not children, not ANYTHING.

Darien laughed at me for three hours after that.

Bastard!

"C'mon, Sir Lintsalot, you can let us pass for old time's sake, right?" Pinkie asked, with big puppy eyes.

He shuffled his feet nervously. "I'm sorry, but the Princess has ordered me on my honor to defend this bridge."

"What Princess?" I asked curiously.

"Princess Marjorie the Wise," he said.

"You're supposed to serve Princess Celestia!" Pinkie said, clearly outraged.

Sir Lintsalot shrank back a bit. "I serve Countess Pinkamena and through her, Princess Marjorie the Wise, who the Elements of Power serve."

I have never heard of a 'Princess Marjorie'. The name sounds vaguely Glantrian. Isn't it an herb or something?

Then again, if Sir Lintsalot is made of lint, maybe she's made of herbs.

Maybe they're ALL golems. We've only actually seen Cruisin' with our own two eyes.

"Princess Marjoram?" Twilight asked in confusion.

Marjoram! That's the herb.

"MarjorIE," Sir Lintsalot said firmly. "She is beautiful and wise and strong. Now, Sir Applejack, we must joust."

"But... I can't stand to see two of my friends fight each other," Pinkie said, agonized.

The showdown with the Elements of Power is really going to be ugly for her, I see.

"I cannot break my oath," Sir Lintsalot said, pained.

Pinkie began vibrating and her tail shaking and her hair going crazy. This didn't bode well.

"He's just a pile of lint, Pinkie," Rainbow Dash said.

"Piles of lint are people too!" Pinkie shouted.

...

We're all going to be in trouble if piles of lint have the rights of people.

Spitfire said, "Pinkie, if we don't get past him, we can't recover the dragon's treasure. Then we break our promise to him and he will start raiding Equestria again. What do you expect us to do?"

"I am honor-bound to joust anyone who uses this bridge," Sir Lintsalot said firmly.

"Do we have to use the bridge to cross this chasm?" I asked. Always think outside the box.

Because the box is full of scorpions.

"DUH," Rainbow Dash said, slapping her face. "We can just fly across it."

"There will be no flying anywhere," Pinkamena said. "You do this the Earth Pony way or you fail. Namely, you fail, because you're a failure, Dash."

"I won the Junior Flyer competition! I AM NOT A FAILURE!" Rainbow Dash shouted.

Pinkamena's failure to reply made Dash and Soarin' grin broadly.

Pinkie studied the chasm. "I think we can jump it."

"I'd have to take the armor off, but yes," Applejack said.

"I can jump it," Dash said.

"Me too," Soarin' said.

"Ivan and I are unlikely to make that jump," I said, frowning.

"Or me," Fluttershy said weakly.

"I think I can do it," Twilight said. "But I'm not sure."

"If Rarity shot arrows across and... I guess rope bridges wouldn't work well for ponies, though," I said, frowning.

"Or Pinkie could walk on the ceiling with her boots to carry rope across," Applejack said. "But yes, some of us couldn't handle a rope bridge any more than they could handle jumpin' it."

"We could maybe rig a winch and swing people across," I said.

"You all are even more a pack of cowards than I thought," Pinkamena said. "Running away from one pony."

"I am not runnin' away," Applejack protested. "I just ain't getting in a fight if I don't have to."

Pinkamena began making chicken noises; Pinkie began making chicken noises, until she saw Dash glaring at her and stopped, laughing nervously. "But it's fun," Pinkie mumbled.

Applejack frowned. "I ain't no chicken!"

Suddenly it hit me. There's some way to make monsters with this place. Pinkamena made her imaginary friends into REAL beings. But they're shaped by her imagination which is why they sound like her doing funny voices. Or in this case, sound weird and hollow. Or maybe they're shadow creatures, half-real, half-illusion. That would fit quite well.

I sidled over to Pinkie. "Who is Sir Lintsalot's greatest enemy?" I whispered to her.

"Sir Malfeasance the Sockasen," she whispered. "He once kidnapped me and tried to force me to marry him, but Sir Lintsalot rescued me and he swore revenge on Sir Lintsalot."

"What does he look like?" I whispered.

"He's a black stallion with eyes of flame and he laughs evilly all the time. And he wears dull red socks like Father likes to wear when he has boots on."

"With his boots?" I asked.

"Sir Malfeasance just wears the socks because Father got mad if I played with his boots," Pinkie whispered.

"I have a plan," I told her.

I got everyone to huddle, then told them about Sir Malfeasance. "So Twilight disguises herself as Malfeasance with the hat, lures him away, the rest of us cross the bridge, she teleports to us," I said.

"That's pretty dangerous for Twilight," Spike said, frowning. "Let me do it."

"The hat won't turn you into a pony and you can't teleport yourself," I said.

"I could try and mail myself," he said stubbornly.

"I can probably disguise myself better, I know Sir Malfeasance the best," Pinkie said.

"But you can't teleport," I told her.

"I can run on the ceiling where he can't reach me to get back," she said.

"I can just joust him," Applejack said. "Pinkamena is likely to see through any clever tricks, anyway."

I slapped my forehead. "Twilight, you need to send Celestia a letter to send HIM a letter saying she needs his help defending Canterlot. He's pledged to the defense of all ladies, right?"

"Oooh," Twilight said. "Spike, take a letter."

We came out of the huddle once it was sent and Applejack got in position.

Wink the letter appeared by Sir Lintsalot, who read it. "Oh no! I must immediately go to the defense of Canterlot!" He charged off the way we came. "Celestia, I am coming!"

"What are you doing? Come back here!" Pinkamena shouted.

We ran across the bridge before she could summon him back, and headed off hurriedly down the hallway, Applejack changing back to normal. I carried Rarity's giant arrow for her until the spell on it wore off.

Trick won't work twice, but we'll probably have to fight him again later anyway, which worries me.

If Pinkie's four friends are real, or even just strong shadow creatures, then they will give our foes an edge I'm not sure how to counter.

Dammit.

************

"I could have taken him," Applejack said.

"Maybe. He's a stallion and an Earth Pony, so he is likely so strong it makes me feel pain just to think about it," I told her. Four, just FOUR Earth Ponies is enough to pull a train that must weigh tons. "And we don't know how strong that armor was."

I imagined Applejack getting impaled and felt my lunch try to come up. I took a swig from my waterskin and my stomach settled. Dammit, caring about people sucks.

It just makes you worry endlessly, as if I didn't have enough to worry about, like how Celestia is probably going to turn me into a new star for the heavens.

"Twilight, you'd know this. Has anyone verified whether the Procopian or Vellustian theories of stellar origin are true?" I asked her. Procopius, a Thyatian philosopher believed stars were giant burning lumps of what he called 'Procopian matter', a substance which burns forever for poorly explained reasons. Still, his flawed theory can explain planetary motion. Vellustia argued that ALL stars are like the 'sun' of the Hollow World, namely tiny gateways to the Elemental Plane of Fire, through which fire and light spill out. Pure fire, however, cannot exert enough gravity to keep planets from just flying off in a straight line. It would, however, explain why they normally don't go out, except for unusual things like supernova, which are when the gate blows up.

"You left out Thyrsus of Millenia's theory," Twilight said pedantically.

"I didn't know that one," I told her.

"He believed they were monuments erected by the Immortals to honor those who strove for Immortality and either succeeded or failed. This led him to speculate that the destruction of Blackmoor happened due to a failed attempt at Immortality, as a star appeared in the heavens as the Great Rain of Fire began," she continued. "Since no known Immortal exalted at that time, he concluded it a sign of a failed immortal, who was honored anyway."

"Honored for setting the planet ON FIRE?" I said in disbelief.

The Great Rain of Fire is poorly understood. The Blackmoorians found some sort of 'ship of space' which had secret technology they combined with magic to create a really powerful civilization. Then one day fire rained from the sky and the planetary axis shifted, burying them under the polar ice cap. This is the Great Rain of Fire.

"Also, didn't Anibaxus of Haven establish that it was the detonation of Utherite near the surface or in storage which caused the Great Rain?" I said. Or at least, it's the leading theory. Utherite was a shiny black rock which contained magic. Once you took all the magic, it turned into Sablestone, a dull black rock you can burn; it's a very powerful fuel. Dream Valley has a lot of Sablestone which they extract and sell. They also pick out small bits of Utherite that didn't detonate; it sells for REALLY big money.

"And it could be treated as a subset of the Vellustian theory, explaining why the gates are created," Twilight said. "But I did spend a while trying to line up stellar data and Immortals. But I couldn't get enough data." She sounded very disappointed.

"I would think you'd know where stars came from, Twilight," Rarity said, sounding surprised. "Given your interest."

"Celestia is not allowed to talk about it, and nopony has ever gone out to see for themselves," Twilight said. "We do know they have planets and that some of those planets have green humans."

"Really?" I said. "I thought the Blackmoorians found a non-human ship."

We continued to banter as we made our way down the hallway as Ivan looked out for trouble up ahead with Rarity and as I kept distracting myself.

The tunnel opened up into a huge greenhouse, probably several acres across. Holy cow, this is big. It was full of orange trees. Big, juicy oranges. I felt my mouth water. High above us, there were several dozen tiny crystal spheres, hanging on chains from the ceiling; they glowed with sunlight, enabling the trees to grow here.

At the far end of the room was a huge gate of stone with an elaborate mechanism connected to huge empty buckets high in the air. If you filled them up, the gate would open. Classic pony engineering. Or dwarven.

By the entryway, there were two dozen large baskets, suitable for fruit carrying.

"So we have to buck the oranges and fill the buckets in order to go on? That's EASY," Applejack said.

"Even for an unlettered country hick, it would be easy," Apple Blossom said.

'Would', she says. I smell trouble.

"Of course, La Cosa Nostradamus also wants your oranges, and they won't take no for an answer," she said sorrowfully.

Two dozen bulldog-like humanoids now entered from the north entrance, armed with bats, chains, silver knuckles, and maces. "Youse ponies had better move along, see, these oranges are ourses and we're gonna take 'em and sell 'em for BIG BUCKS," the biggest said.

"You're going to buy deer with them?" Pinkie said.

...

"He means bits," Applejack said to Pinkie. "It's Bucklynn slang."

"They're gonna murderize you all!" 'Rocky' shouted over the intercom. I noticed he was not among the... well, maybe he IS a Bucklynn Bulldog.

"Rocky!" Pinkie shouted. "You're not supposed to cheer for criminals! You're a good boy!"

"Sorry, Pinkie, they're old pals from the old days, see, and seeing them, I just kinda got overwhelmed and all." 'Rocky' sounded apologetic.

"Don't feel bad," Pinkamena said to him. "Pinkie's not your real friend, I am. I won't abandon you to go run around with mares." Her voice was soothing and 'Rocky' made happy noises. This was not as creepy as it would have been if I wasn't sure 'Rocky' wasn't ENTIRELY her talking to herself.

Still creepy.

"I am your friend, Rocky!" Pinkie said. "You should come to my parties! You know you're welcome!"

Rainbow Dash buried her face in her hooves.

"Sorry, ma'am, we have to rough up your friends," the big bulldog said to Pinkie. "I'm Barky Bark and these are my boyz, the Munchy Bunch. Boyz, leave the lady alone. We're here for the hillbilly, anyway."

"I am not a HILLBILLY," Applejack said angrily. "I am a farmer!"

"She's a GREAT farmer," Pinkie said.

"Applejack, Pinkie, Ivan, you three buck oranges," Twilight said. "The rest of us will keep the Yancy Street Gang off you."

Apple Blossom laughed very softly. "This should be entertaining, Madame LaFlour."

"Thugs versus thugs? It is beneath us, really," Madame LaFlour said. "But this is your soirée, so I bow to you."

"Cabbages are better than oranges OR apples," Mr. Turnip said.

"So many tasty cabbage recipes," Pinkie said, then got a basket and she and Applejack started bucking.

Ivan got some rope, made a sling for a basket and began climbing a tree.

"What?" Apple Blossom said, sounding surprised. "What on earth are you doing, Ivan?"

...

"Picking oranges! You think I'm up here for fun?" he said irritably.

"But..."

We could hear whispers but not what was said clearly.

"Oh. Carry on. Humans are strange."

"Says the half-assed fake Applejack," Ivan said as he started picking oranges.

"She is the fake!"

While they bickered over who was fake, the rest of us formed up to defend them. Fluttershy began a song and I positioned myself to cover her, then detonated my flame spell, sending several scurrying. Twilight hurled lightning balls at them, and they got blasted, tumbling across the grass.

Spike jumped up, kicked a gangster in the face, then grabbed his chain and swung him around with it and threw him. I remembered the chair. Oh help me, the CHAIR.

Rarity arced an arrow around to nail one of our foes in the ass and he now ran away yelping like a puppy.

The grass now grew up, grabbing several of the gang in place and holding them fast as they struggled. "Be nice," Fluttershy said to them. "Violence is bad."

Pinkie and Applejack were working hard, kicking oranges into baskets. To my surprise, Applejack wasn't any faster than Pinkie and it seemed to anger her a lot.

"Apples and oranges as they say, my evil twin? Of course, you probably can't read to know that," Apple Blossom said cheerfully.

"I can READ, dammit! I went to school same as everyone else!"

"I didn't get to go to a school," Ivan mumbled.

Applejack and Pinkie both faltered at that, staring.

"So you're actually stupider than my evil twin, how sad," Apple Blossom said. "I am versed in fine literature and the classics, thanks to graduating with honors from Madame Silver Fountain's School For Young Fillies of Distinction."

"Madame Silver Fountain is a stuck up old bat," Applejack said angrily. "And that school was boring."

"Because you didn't take it seriously like I did. But then, you ran away without even hardly trying," Apple Blossom said. "Better buck faster, it's all you can do."

Applejack and Pinkie had to kick their oranges up into the big weight baskets; the gate now opened just a little bit. Ivan was still trying to fill his basket. "Dammit, this is taking forever," Ivan said.

"Just do your best, Ivan," Applejack said. "I know you'll do your best for us." Then she ran back to bucking.

Dash, Soarin', and Spitfire swooped through the enemy ranks. Thankfully, there was no 'no flying' rule for this fight. Or if there was, our foes forgot to enforce it.

Two Bulldogs rushed at us and Rarity leaped up and kicked him in the chest, knocking him down, then hit him in the ass with an arrow and he ran away, yelping. She looked satisfied.

I was less satisfied because I was being attacked by Barky Bark. Worse, he was chanting some song about how awesome he was.

o/~ Bad Vibrations is what youse guys gonna feel,

o/~ When I kicks youse with my heel!

I cannot deny it felt bad when he kicked me in the face, but I cannot deny that he felt bad when I turned my sword into a mace and smacked him in HIS face. I would have just hacked him up but, you know, sentients, ponies, you know the drill.

Plus, there was a certain satisfaction in seeing him howl.

There was much less when he pushed my mace aside with his own, then knocked me down, then hefted me and threw me at a tree.

However, I had a certain satisfaction in then literally setting his ass on fire. Unlike the others, he knew to stop, drop, and roll, or maybe he just fell down in pain.

Ivan grimaced, then said, "Well, fuck, desperate times, desperate measures. If Asterius can do it..."

What?

Ivan dropped out of the tree, then closed his eyes for a few seconds, while fumbling in his pocket. "Please don't let me regret this," he mumbled.

"Live life without regrets!" Pinkie said, though she managed to buck two oranges onto her head. "But with better aim!"

Ivan muttered something, then poured some of the polymorph potion into his palm and stoppered the bottle and stashed it in his pocket. Okay, that's a weird way to drink it. Then he drank it clumsily; a little of it got on his shirt. He howled, stumbled, and then turned into a pony stallion.

...

He was a palomino: golden coat and a white mane and tail. I would have expected him to have brown hair, though his white mane was as curly as his hair normally is. His eyes were still brown. He was noticeably bigger than the mares present, though still within the range you'd call 'pony'.

Applejack stared at him in surprise. Pinkie said, "EARTH PONIES FOREVER!" and ran to hurl oranges into the buckets.

Pony-Ivan tried to give Applejack a thumbs up but managed to knock himself down instead. He got up, laughing ruefully, then turned and KICKED the tree.

The good news: he harvested the whole tree at once.

The bad news: oranges went EVERYWHERE and only about a third fell in his basket.

"Damn, nice power, poor control," Applejack said.

"I doubt the potion understands the finer aspects of bucking," he said.

Twilight said, "I'll come help you if we can ever get these dogs to give up!" She blasted more with lightning. They fled, but after a bit, they came back stubbornly.

"Once a bulldog sinks his teeth in something, he never lets go!" Barky Bark said. "Pulverize 'em, boyz!"

"Marcus, WHY DO YOU SMELL LIKE BACON?" Ivan asked me as he tried kicking the oranges back to his basket.

"I do not smell like bacon!" I protested.

"Oh, is that what he smells like?" Rarity said. "That's... It's some kind of meat thing humans eat, right?" she said. Then she shot another Bulldog in the butt, sending HIM scampering.

And yet they come back for more. Amazingly stubborn creatures.

"Yes, it is; it's typically eaten with breakfast," I told her. Barky Bark and I bashed each other with maces AGAIN and both fell down, though he got up faster, until I whacked his foot.

"What do I smell like?" Fluttershy asked. She now came over to Pony-Ivan and the grass began herding his oranges, helping him recover them.

Pony-Ivan sniffed. "You smell gentle, but I'm not sure how I know what gentleness smells like."

She smiled brightly and continued urging the grass to herd oranges.

Applejack ran over to Pony-Ivan. "Here, watch." She bucked a tree. "Try it like that."

He got a little better on the next one but this clearly was not something easily picked up. He also struggled to get the oranges up into the basket, though Fluttershy helped him.

Barky kicked me into a tree, though now he was limping, and was about to brain me when WHAM, Rainbow Dash hit him from behind and sent him flying. "Thanks, Dash," I said warmly.

"You're welcome!" Then she charged two more.

Rarity clearly wanted to help me but basically, as fast as she sent one running, another would come at her. Damn, these things are persistent.

Spike was busy defending Twilight, and doing a good job of it, punching and kicking any of them that got too close.

Pony-Ivan and Fluttershy were busy herding oranges, Applejack was making good progress, and Pinkie was doing well too. Things were looking up.

Pinkie sang cheerfully as she worked, about sending the oranges to see the king. I am not sure WHAT king. But if it works, it works.

"Barky, Barky, Barky, you have to do better than this, or Uncle will not be very happy at all," Apple Blossom said with her sweet, silky voice. "And you know what happens then."

Sweat now poured down his face. "I am trying to murderize this stupid human, but he ain't dying so easy as you said he would."

"He does seem tougher than Princess Marjorie thought," Apple Blossom said. "I suppose beating a pile of garbage to death with a blunt instrument is not ideal."

"I am NOT garbage!" I shouted.

"I will have to upgrade you to trash," Apple Blossom said. I heard drinking noises. "I can't see what she sees in you."

What who sees in me?

"What I see is a loudmouth with pretensions of grandeur who sends others to do her work for her, while she sits around getting drunk," Rarity said angrily. "You may have an elegant exterior, but there are worms inside your core."

Angry Rarity has such a lovely turn of phrase. I couldn't help but grin broadly, while Barky tried to figure out what Rarity meant. This let me bash him in the shoulder, though he now backhanded me into a tree. Dozens of oranges now fell down.

"Thanks, Barky!" Pinkie said.

He took his bowler hat off and bowed to her. "Yer welcome, Lady Pinkie."

Then he tried to beat me to death but I threw myself at his knees and knocked him down.

"I am not drunk; ladies do not get drunk," Apple Blossom said tightly. "Neither do I roll around in the hay with people I just met, unlike you."

What on earth is she talking about? No one has had sex on this mission.

Or if they have, I didn't notice and I am GLAD.

"They just hide like cowards while others fight for them," I shouted at her. "But then, you've always been good at running away. You ran away from working on the farm so you could be a lazy parasite in the city, living off other people's work! And now you're too lazy to come down here and fight your own fight!"

Apple Blossom made a noise, but then she cleared her throat. "Ladies do not get into brawls unless they have no choice." But it was clear my words had stung.

"And it's easy to cook up an excuse when you're a fake lady. You might muss your hair, you might chip your horseshoe, you might scuff your dress. Rarity is a real lady who stands by her friends instead of sending them off to get a beating without her! She's more of a lady than you will EVER be."

Rarity smiled brightly and kicked down a dog who charged her, then punted him across the field. She can be elegant and hand out a beating. I appreciate that.

I could hear Apple Blossom's teeth grind. Oh yes. Barky hit me again; I couldn't fight on two fronts at once well, but it was worth it.

"Sammy!" Apple Blossom shouted. "I need you."

"Sorry, I'm busy helping Dawn Gleaming compare star births with the raising or failure of Immortals! We'll be done in an hour or so, though! But I can't let my cuddle-huggums down by running off!" Sammy shouted.

Twilight twitched and nailed more Bulldogs with lightning balls.

'Cuddle-huggums'? Is he brain-damaged? If I was dating Twilight, I would call her something smooth, like 'maiden of the night sky' or 'genius of ancient lore' or 'regal as...' Okay, dammit, you can't call her regal, even though her coat color totally sets her up to be compared to imperial purple. Though in Alphatia...

ANYTHING other than 'Cuddle-huggums'. If anyone is a bad copy, he is.

I got smacked by Barky again. I can't focus because of that idiot and his terrible, terrible terms of endearment!

I finally understand why there are so many stories where clones can't stand each other.

A chime went off. Oh bloody hell.

The ground began to tear open and now shambling human corpses began to rise from their graves.

OH FUCK ME. I was starting to wonder why this path wasn't 'marathon' or 'get filthy and exhausted' as its theme.

There is, however, one good thing about the undead. No one is going to get mad if I go apeshit on them.

"Take him apart, Barky!" Rocky shouted.

"You want some? Come down and GET SOME," Rainbow Dash shouted.

"Dash, cover me so I can use a spell on the dead!" I shouted.

She powerdived Barky; they crashed into a tree which broke in half, dropping all its oranges, then on across the room; she peeled out, letting him slam into the wall. WHAM.

He feel down, then put his hat back on. I applaud that. "The little girl wants to rumble? Barky Bark is happy to oblige you, girly! But these claws are sharp!" he said, swinging his mace.

"It's BLUNT," Rainbow Dash said, oddly pedantically.

"Whuteva!" he said and began trying to smack her as she dodged him.

"Rarity, join your abilities with Twilight," I told her. "Twilight, the fire spell!" I now engaged the bulldog which was attacking Rarity, giving her cover to join Twilight.

Vanderhoven's Spiraling Fiery Burst causes fire to spiral outwards from the blast point you choose, dodging you but not necessarily your friends. Unless you combine someone with huge precision (Rarity) and power (Twilight). Together, they sent fire snaking through the ranks of our foes, dodging allies and trees and spiraling out to set all the undead on fire.

Fire with a pattern oddly like pretty lace.

Oh yeah.

That was enough for the dogs, who could see they escaped burning by Twilight and Rarity's grace only. Throwing that much fire tired Twilight but with the undead burning and the bulldogs fleeing, we were victorious.

"As always, ladies, you were magnificent," I said to them.

Why is Spitfire giving me funny looks? Going to have to figure that woman out.

"Nice job for a first timer," Applejack said to Pony-Ivan, cantering over to him. She sniffed his nose for some reason. "Like everything, it's practice, practice, practice."

"Thanks," he said. "I just didn't have time to do it the human way." Pony-Ivan sighed.

So much for asking me if I want to make centaurs, I see. Hah!

"So humans smell like bacon," Applejack said thoughtfully.

"Well, he specifically smells like it to me. I can hardly smell him at all normally. I can smell your confidence."

Applejack grinned. "That's me all over."

"Dash smells like that too," Pony-Ivan said, pointing at her with his head.

"Because I AM confident!" she said, grinning.

Pinkie now jumped on Pony-Ivan, knocking him down. He staggered to his feet and she said, "Now we must sing our song!"

"We never FINISHED our song," Pony-Ivan said.

"Improvisation is best!"

They soon began all singing a different version of the same song, which I had to laugh at.

Rarity sniffed my hand. "So that's bacon," she said, as if recording the idea.

"I haven't had bacon since the ship," I mumbled, then scritched her behind the ears as she made little happy noises. "I must admit I like seeing you can be elegant and hold your own in a scrap," I told her. "Don't listen to those fools."

"You look good in a fight too, Marcus," she said. "I wish I could take a bath and a nap, though." She sagged just a little, and leaned on me.

I worked behind her other ear. "Yes, so could I, but there is no rest for us until we finish this."

I hope Twilight will have enough strength for the last throwdown. As I am... dog-tired. Heh.

She was smiling at us, though she turned to Spike when she noticed me noticing her noticing us.

Spike, on the other hand, glare of death.

I'd better guard my hands tonight.

"So how long until you turn back?" Applejack asked.

"I'm not sure. I drank about a palm-full... Hey, Twilight, you have any idea?"

"Depends on the power of the wizard who made it," Twilight said.

Which we don't know because we found it in the dungeon.

"I expect Keraptis made it, so it would be strong," Pony-Ivan said.

Twilight nodded. "Though it may have been made by someone who raided this place and lost it or died here."

We all frowned at that thought.

Pony-Ivan thought for a moment, then said, "Marcus, you're going to have to take point. I can't do anything about traps except look at them with no hands."

"I will be your hands," Rarity said. "Twilight, isn't there some trick for magnetizing a needle?"

"I have a compass if you need one."

"I need you to magnetize a couple of my needles for use with trap disarming."

"Sure," Twilight said. It's a very easy spell.

Rarity soon had her kit assembled and we got going.

***********

"You all have a distinct smell in addition to your temporary ones," Pony-Ivan announced as we made our way down the next tunnel. He now closed his eyes. "I can tell where you are, even like..." Bump. "But not the wall."

This got many laughs and Applejack said, "Eyes open, Ivan," though she laughed.

"And I have a broader field of vision, I think," he said.

It's like he's driven to comment on everything he does now.

There is probably going to be a party where we will have to liven it up or something, for one of the challenges. And given we haven't had an evil thing pretending innocence yet, that's definitely going to be happening.

We came around a corner and came to where the hallway ceiling soared up to sixty feet. And then it deadended, with the hallway continuing fifty feet up. "Oh bloody hell," Pony-Ivan said, looking at his hooves. "I hope we don't have to retreat quickly."

Rainbow Dash flew up and secured a piton for me and a rope. I climbed up, then the Pegasi began ferrying everyone. We were able to head on, but now I was nervous. More nervous, okay? This clearly meant we'd have to run from something but wouldn't be able to.

Distantly, a bell chimed five times. FIVE TIMES? If once is a horde of wandering monsters... EEEEE!!!!!

"It's just a bell," Applejack said. "If you turn into a pony at some point, your name is definitely going to be Nervous Nellie."

"Once is a horde of wandering monsters. Now multiply by FIVE," I said.

Applejack grimaced. "Okay, good reason for nerves."

We pushed down the hallway to a four way intersection. "Another maze, I suspect," I told them.

We went left. Always go left. This went fifty feet, hooked another left, then widened out into a forty foot wide room with pictures of Ivan dying horribly on the walls. Human-Ivan, that is. Pony-Ivan grimaced.

There was a staircase up in the middle of the far wall, ten feet wide, which climbed forty feet to double doors. To the right of the staircase, there was a pile of miscellaneous garbage tucked into the corner, about eight feet across and two feet high. On the ceiling over it was a set of arcane runes.

"Okay, no one move," Pony-Ivan said. "Marcus, creep up and check the stairs. Twilight, check the rune. Rarity, stand by me. Spitfire, can you fly up by the doors but don't touch them?"

"Of course," she said, flying up and hovering.

Twilight said, "It's a teleportation receiver You teleport to it. But of course, you'd fall unless you can stick to it, which makes it seem weird. Maybe it's for pegasi?"

"On the Earth Pony path? I doubt it," Pony-Ivan said.

I moved up carefully. "The stairs turn into a slide, there's a pit-trap at the base." I triggered it and it dropped sixty feet onto a teleport sigil. Twilight carefully moved up. "It links to the one on the ceiling."

She lifted the garbage with her magic. "And that has another teleporter which ALSO connects to the one over it, so you fall, hit, teleport, fall, hit, teleport, ad infinitum." Twilight rubbed her forehead. "Vicious."

Twilight said, "Spitfire, I will catch you if something makes you fall. Open the doors."

Huge winds now tried to slam Spitfire down but with Twilight's help, she made a controlled descent. The wind erupting out of the tunnel beyond also would have pushed people down the stairs, which now turned into a slide.

"Marcus, you're going to have to climb up and disarm it, given I can't climb these smooth walls," Pony-Ivan said, frowning.

"Twilight, you'd best be ready to catch me," I told her.

She nodded and I clambered up. I got blown out three times before I disarmed the trap. Then the Pegasi helped everyone up, though Applejack was able to just trot up the slide.

What followed: pit trap, dart trap, pit trap with arrow trap, spear trap, fire trap, acid jets trap, and then...

Applejack had to simply kick open a door to get us through it. Beyond was a thirty foot cube of a room; there was a staircase which rose ten feet to the middle of the right wall, and a tunnel exiting the room in the middle of the far wall, ten feet off the ground. A shimmering violet curtain hung down in front of it from the top of the room. Violet fungi, hideous stuff, it rots your flesh when you touch it. At ground level, under this, there was an archway but it only went a short distance before hitting solid stone.

In the center of the room was a ten foot circle of stone with a series of poles four feet high sticking up along the edge. A similar set projected down from the ceiling.

Twilight saw the fungi. "That is VERY dangerous, do not get near it. Marcus, help me burn it."

Burning didn't work to my annoyance. Neither did lightning or even Twilight's water blast spell.

"Gotta solve this the Earth Pony way," Applejack said. "Ivan, got any idea?"

Pony-Ivan paced around the poles. "Oh, I get it. We rotate the room with the poles. Top tier with the top poles, bottom tier with the bottom poles."

"How would earth ponies get to the top tier to rotate it?" Applejack asked.

"Lasso them and pull?" he said. "Let's try that first as it's probably the hard one."

With a lot of effort, they slowly rotated the top into place. With the ropes, we could all help. This moved the violet fungi away from our exit. Then we did the ground level.

It was easier, but it also meant the alcove on the bottom now opened into a tunnel. A tunnel full of hungry spectral undead, who now charged out to meet us.

Pony-Ivan, unfortunately, had to fight with his hooves, which left him vulnerable to their powers. He quickly ended up paralyzed to his frustration.

I changed my sword to an axe and began hewing undead, sending spectral body parts flying. It was quite satisfying.

Twilight chewed through their ranks with lightning and Spike with fire. Applejack began lassoing them and throwing them around to people who could safely hit them.

Pinkie now began a song and soon had a dozen of them dancing with her. She then led them off into the traps, which we now heard going off on them.

Soarin' and Spitfire's uniforms let them safely attack the undead and they began kicking them around. Dash had to be more cautious, whipping up winds to fling them around into each other and break up any groups which threatened the rest of us.

Fluttershy slowly dragged Pony-Ivan to safety and cast a spell to unparalyze him.

Finally, we carved down the last of them; they had no hope of beating us, but now we were all more tired and worn down. Which is what our foes are hoping for.

I am NOT looking forwards to encountering the Elements of Power when we're all tired and exhausted.

The good news: A large chunk of the dragon's hoard was tucked into a room behind here. We now had half of it. Half of the stolen part of the hoard; I expect he has a lot more at home.

I just hope we didn't miss some earlier in the dungeon.

***********

We now passed down a staircase and through a door labeled 'Servants' entrance'. Now the hallway was tiled in elaborate geometric patterns of the kind they like in Ylarum and in parts of Thyatis. Everything was very clean and indeed, it was like we'd wandered into the back areas of some Thyatian villa.

I could smell rose-scented perfume. The ponies all paused and looked overwhelmed. If I can smell it, it must be really strong for them.

Then Pony-Ivan made a noise and said, "And now the potion is wearing off." He yelled loudly, stumbled, fell down and turned into himself on the floor. His human self. "Well, that was a lot different than I expected," he said, then rose, wobbling.

"You made a good pony, Ivan," Applejack said warmly.

"How do you focus with all those smells?"

"You get used to it," she said, then looked around. "You were thinking we might have to go to a party, Marcus?"

"Something social, as I expect Pinkamena will want us to look like idiots in a social situation."

"Sounds fun!," Pinkie said cheerfully.

We now came to three doors, though the hallway went on. One was labeled 'humans', the second 'ponies' and the third 'dragons'. They turned out to be bathing areas with fluffy towels, bathrobes, soap, and a series of rooms for bathing.

"Dammit, this has to be a trap with sea monsters in the soaking tub," I said. "But I want a bath SO MUCH."

"A little dirt never hurt anyone and we can't trust it," Ivan said.

Rarity stared longingly at the pony bathhouse.

"Well, if we all bath together, instead of some people HIDING," Applejack said, "It ought to be safe."

"I smell donuts in the dragon baths," Spike said.

Ivan looked at me. He doesn't care if they see him naked, but I will DIE.

"Well, at the very least, we ought to snag those donuts for Spike," I said, stalling for time.

Spike looked at me, clearly suspecting I was up to something, yet wanting *donuts*.

"Look, you can just wrap a towel around yer groin and join us," Applejack said. "As if we'd never seen someone's groin before."

Twitch, twitch, twitch. If it falls off... DEATH DEATH DEATH.

Spitfire was giving me the eye and my heart considered whether to just explode and get it over with.

"Look, Spike and I can bathe with them," Soarin' said. "Then there won't be any need to panic, right?"

There was no excuse I could give which would not end in fire.

Soarin' may or may not know about Erik's tattoo. I do not know for absolute sure Celestia knew and Twilight would have no reason to tell the Wonderbolts.

But he's likely to say 'Hey, guys, Marcus has a sweet tattoo.' But if I use a little caution...

"Really, they should be with us, just to be sure," Rarity said. "Not to denigrate you of course, Soarin', Spike."

Applejack looked at Rarity, then snickered for some reason. "Well, well, I see someone can change their opinion when it suits them."

"What?" Rarity said, a little flustered. "It's for safety's sake. I greatly appreciate Marcus' desire for propriety but given we heard five wandering monster bells and none of them have shown up, and well, when are we more vulnerable than when taking a bath?"

"I'm thinking maybe we should skip the bath, tempting as it is even for me right now," Applejack said.

"I could really use a bath," Fluttershy said. She sounded quite worn out.

"How about if we search all three for traps, monsters, death, and so on together," I said. "Because these might be full of DEATH."

We did the 'dragons' one first. It was HUGE. Big enough to hold even a grand wyrm. In fact, I was disturbed by evidence of recent use; wet towels, used soap, turned over buckets, water splashed on the floor. The soaking tub was practically an artificial pond.

"There's a dragon around," I said.

"Probably Marquetta," Spike said angrily.

"No bath," Applejack said. "We search them for anything else we need to know but no bathing if there are dragons about."

We found a box in the corner with Sablestone in it. There was a hidden dumbwaiter next to it and a secret door to stairs down. "Ain't no dragon bigger than Spike gonna fit down this," Applejack said.

A little bigger. Anything ogre sized or smaller could use this tunnel. We carefully descended and found that there was a set of furnaces; you could burn sablestone and heat the water in the giant tub above. Further, we found a chest down here; once Ivan disarmed it, it had more of Vermicoritax's treasure, including his complete collection of Darokinian Chancellor coins; the Darokinians issue a new gold coin design each time a new Chancellor is elected; he had every single one plus all the major weird variants, like the one which was half copper and half gold and ended up kind of orange.

"I'm wondering how the dragons get down here to turn their hot water on," Applejack said.

"Probably servants," Twilight said.

Spike nodded. "Or any children."

And then I felt a powerful pulse of magic. "Erik of Vestland, now you di... no one is here," a man said loudly; we could hear him only dimly.

...

"Nice accuracy on that teleport, now we're stuck in the middle of White Plume Mountain and there is no sign of our target!" another said angrily.

Six bells now chimed in quick succession.

A woman said, "What the hell is that?"

"Erik? They're looking for Erik? He's here?" Twilight said frantically.

I put a finger to my lips, pointing up, then making a throat slitting gesture.

"We can't kill them," she said, stunned.

I gave up. "No, I mean they may kill us, depending on if they want witnesses," I whispered. "And don't talk loudly, or they'll hear us."

She looked relieved. "I'm sorry, Marcus, I know you wouldn't advocate that, I just misunderstood." She sounded very embarrassed.

"If they're looking for Erik of Vestland, Soarin' and I should talk to them, given he is the one who stole the Pearl of the Water Elves of Minrothad."

"Is Celestia looking for him?" I said nervously.

Twilight frowned.

"We're under orders to bring him to her alive if we encounter him," Spitfire said, studying me in a way that made me want to immolate myself.

Which she could help with, I now knew.

"Anyway, we can talk to them, find out who it is, and since we're not Erik, either it will be fine or we can outrun them," Soarin' said.

"I could...," Dash began.

"You're too recognizable," Spitfire said. "Stay here, we'll talk to them."

We waited nervously, while they went up.

"Hey, I met you at the embassy. Corporal Cufen, right?" I heard Spitfire say.

Ivan and I both goggled.

"You know him?" Twilight asked.

"I knew a Cufen," I lied. It was the name I had when I met Ivan and Helga. A long time ago.

"Everyone, this is Spitfire and Soarin' of the Wonderbolts," Cufen said. "You guys looking for Erik again too?"

"We never did find him. But we got reports he was here."

"We had a tracking spell but it malfunctioned and told me he was in two places at once, so I tried to land on one of them and missed both," another man said. "What's down the stairs?"

"Just the access for heating this tub up. By the way, this is a baths for dragons."

"Well, shit," the woman said. "Doran, can you teleport us out?"

"Not unless you want me utterly exhausted," the second man, Doran, said.

"I don't want to waste time trying to search the dungeon," Cufen said. "Teleport us."

I felt magic build and...

"OH SHIT," Doran shouted and then there was silence and a feeling of something messing with the spell.

"Damn, they're not dead, right?" Soarin' said weakly.

"I hope not," Spitfire said, grimacing.

They reunited and Twilight said, "They got intercepted. I don't think teleporting out is an option." She scratched her head. "There is two of Erik?"

AHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

"You can be sure there is some trap here with a fake Erik," I said. "And likely anyone else any of us have ever liked, loved, hated, etc."

I am SO FUCKED. But I can't confess now, though I should.

DAMMIT.

******************

We found two more hidden, trapped chests. Ivan and worked with Rarity, showing her how to disarm them; her fine motor control of her telekinesis makes her well suited to this. And I think she enjoyed it as a puzzle exercise.

"I bet you boys would make marvelous tailors," Rarity said with a wink. "Your fingers are very nimble."

"I have no experience," Ivan said. "But I will take your word for it. You have a definite knack here."

I really ought to learn to make hats, but then I would probably do nothing else BUT make hats.

Combined with our other wind, we now had seventy-five percent of Vermicoritax's treasure. Excellent. Hopefully, we'd find the rest soon, though I suspect a fair chunk of what's left is all over Clarity.

There had been six people and six chimes. Which led us to the theory five people had entered White Plume Mountain the previous time. This was rather a relief.

Though I feared the five were the Thyatians sending a group for me. Also, Twilight kept trying to figure out the two Eriks thing, which worried me. I fear the man detected myself and 'Sammy'.

Dammit.

We now took off down the hallway and came to a small room with two doors, each with a mask etched into it from the Thyatian theater On the left was a comedy mask, on the right, a tragedy mask. Over them was carved 'The Talking Gates. One always lies. One tells the truth. Down one path is a howling army of undead, down the other your fortune. You may ask only one question of each.'

"A logic puzzle? What the hay is a logic puzzle doing on this path?" Applejack asked, frowning.

"This one is EASY," Pinkie said. "So easy it must have a hidden trap."

"It's easy?" Applejack said dubiously.

"Oh come on, the Lay of Marethian has this one, and so do roughly twenty or so other old lays," Pinkie said. "It could be treasure or your girlfriend or boyfriend or your child or a Celestia-in-a-box, but it's always 'DEATH' or 'TREASURE'."

"Ooh, bardic test, then," I said.

"Yes, but anyone who knows this would know I would know it," Pinkie said. "Therefore, there has to be a trick. The howling undead army actually wants to give us pie and the fortune is 'bad fortune'."

"So we reverse it," I said.

"But then, they'd anticipate that I would think that, so they would double reverse it, counting on me psyching myself into the wrong path," Pinkie continued.

"Or it could all be a lie and they both lead to death," Spitfire said.

"This is a mad wizard's dungeon. There's always an out but we have to be cunning," I said.

Pinkie stared at her tail. "Pinkie sense... ACTIVATE!" Nothing happened at all.

Pinkie grimaced. "Pinkie sense SUPER ACTIVATE."

Nothing.

"Search for a third door," Twilight said. Careful study showed that if there was another door, we couldn't find it.

"It could be that the howling undead army is guarding some of the dragon's treasure, so we have to face it. Whereas, treasure for *us* is down the other route," Ivan said.

I find this theory plausible.

"Well, I choose comedy," Pinkie said. "In which case... Doors! Tell me where the rest of Vermicoritax's treasure is!"

The masks moved slightly and looked at each other. "But... we don't know about that," the Comedy mask said. "We're supposed to answer questions about things around here."

"Wrong! The rules don't say that. They say to ask one question and each of you will answer it. It lays NO restriction on the question!" Pinkie said. "Are you CHEATERS?"

"But I can't lie if I don't know the truth!" the Comedy mask said.

HAH!

"I'm going to have to report you to the Better Dungeon Bureau for cheating," Pinkie said. "Spike, take a letter."

He produced pen and ink.

"Dear Princess Bureaucracia, I have encountered two doors who are NOT doing their jobs," Pinkie began.

"I'd do it if I could!," the Tragedy door said.

"I would... wait, no, I... aaargh...," the Comedy door said. "I think I'm supposed to say that I don't want to do my job? That I won't do it? Damn, lying about everything is hard."

"You should say it's easy, I think," the Tragedy door said. "To lie about it."

"Dammit!"

"I need your names, so I can turn you in," Pinkie said sternly.

"We don't have names," the Comedy mask said. "No, wait, I have to say we do have names." He paused. "Right?"

"Yes, while I say we don't have names," the Tragedy mask said reassuringly.

"You're not very good at this," Applejack said to the Comedy mask.

"I can't seem to think clearly for some reason," the Comedy mask grumbled. "Dammit, I needed to say I can think clearly for no reason. Some reason. Urgh, you handle this... no, wait, I have to tell you not to handle it. AAAAAA!!!!"

Applejack paused, then suddenly buried her face in a hoof for a few seconds. "OH."

I blinked. "Wh... OH."

"Element of Honesty, that's me," Applejack said, feeling embarrassed. She concentrated, studying the sign. "It's all a lie. Both paths lead to death."

Man, that's a sweet power, except insofar as it might reveal the truth about me, leading to my death. DAMMIT.

"How do we move forward, then?" Dash asked.

"It's a dead end," I said. "We got the dragon's treasure, though."

Careful searching revealed we'd missed a secret door, which we now opened and headed down this new tunnel.

**************

As we headed down the new tunnel, Spike coughed up a letter. Twilight read it and frowned. "Two pieces of bad news."

"Go on," Spitfire said.

"One, someone stole my balloon from Ponyville," Twilight said.

"Oh man, that was such a fun thing to ride in!" Pinkie said, frowning.

"What's the other news?," Applejack asked.

"The Cutie Mark Crusaders are missing," Twilight said. "The only clue is that they tied a note to Opalescence and she ate all of it except for their names."

"Great, they've decided to become balloon riders," Applejack groaned. "Probably going to try to circle Mystara or something, like in that book." She looked accusingly at Twilight.

"I loved that book as a child! It's why I have a balloon!"

"The Forbidden Island?" I asked. "Where the guy crashes on the island of strange creatures and becomes their king?"

"That's the sequel," she said. "I gave them the first one where he visits the South Pole."

"So now they're Cutie Mark Crusader Polar Explorers," Rarity said flatly.

"It... seems plausible," Twilight said, laughing nervously.

"Do they do this often?" I asked.

"They've never gone this far," Rarity said, sighing. "Scootaloo gets some crazy idea, Apple Bloom convinces herself it's a good idea, and then Sweetie Belle goes along for the ride."

"Except when it's HER idea," Applejack said flatly.

"Spike, take a letter for the Cutie Mark Crusaders," Twilight said. She dictated a long letter basically telling them to go home. Then she sent Celestia a progress report.

"Really, though, they can't go to the South Pole unless they had a pegasus, an adult one, to blow the balloon there or some other kind of magic, right?" Rarity said.

"You need adult level magic to power its magical steering," Twilight said. "Fillies should be stuck just drifting with the wind. Which means they probably would actually head towards Canterlot or Fillydelphia or maybe Mareis."

Everyone relaxed a little with that.

We then came to a door. Ivan disarmed it with Rarity watching. A classic poison needle trap. Also, the door was designed so if you broke it open, blades would try to chop your leg off.

No bucking this door.

It opened into a long line of crypts. Huge niches held coffins big enough for ponies. "Even though this place is probably full of pony undead, we have to check every coffin," I said.

I could tell the idea of tomb robbing did not enchant the ponies.

The coffins were full of ponies, preserved to a degree which was likely a sign they were undead. However, Twilight didn't want to just blow them up unless they did threaten us. This was probably a mistake.

The first ponies looked like normal, non-sentient ponies. As we moved along, they changed, taking on features more like modern ponies. Then suddenly, they started having pony-coloration and totally modern features, but no cutie marks. Then there were ones with cutie marks.

This place was huge and seeing all these dead ponies was pretty morbid. Also, if they are all undead, we are going to be screwed. But none of them had the treasure we wanted.

The coloration of the ponies on one side began to trend towards dark colors: blacks, grays, dark purples. On the other side, it trended to reds, greens, and oranges. And then Applejack's breath caught. "Great-Grandma Apple!"

"Great-Grandma Pie!" Pinkie said, mood suddenly deflating; she'd already been kind of grim, but now her hair wobbled and she stared with sadness. "She died trying to help prevent an earthquake, but it was too much for her."

Spike patted her shoulder. "Your parents and grandmother are still alive, right?"

"I have one Grandpa and one Grandma left," Pinkie said sadly, staring at her.

"Trying to prevent an earthquake?" I said.

"This rock monster caused an earthquake that wasn't scheduled and it threatened to take out the rockface over a town built at the base of the plateau. Her team of Maintainers saved the town but the stress was too much and she was too old. I was born three years after she died, so I never met her." Pinkie shivered. "It's what caused Father and Mother to become Mane-ionites. They felt they'd been wasting their lives, so they settled down and got married."

"Great-Grandma Apple just lived a quiet life, working hard. She had lots of kids and eventually, she got old and died. It's one of the things you learn on a farm. Everything dies and returns to the soil, so new life may be born of it. But what's her body doing here?" Applejack asked, then frowned. "Someone dug up all our ancestors? Is that it?"

"They're likely shadow creations," I said. "Your ancestors would all... be dust by now." I shivered at the sight of them.

There were three empty coffins in Pinkie's line but Applejack's side had her mother in the middle of two empty coffins. Applejack shivered. "Mom," she whispered.

Ivan put a hand on her shoulder, but didn't say anything.

Pinkie shivered, her hair wobbling, and Fluttershy nuzzled her silently.

"What happened?" I asked Applejack, unsure if I should ask.

"They died protecting fillies from the school from a monster that escaped from the Everfree," Applejack said. "This giant puddle of black slime."

I winced. Black Pudding. Dangerous, dangerous, mindless, but dangerous.

So why this? Unless it's an effort to make us so morose we kill ourselves or something... but that seems unlikely.

The crypts ended in double doors with an inscription. "To be an adventurer is to laugh in the face of death." No handle, no latch, no way to open them. Except, I am guessing, to laugh.

"I can't laugh at my dead great-grandmother," Pinkie said weakly, shivering. "I don't like this room."

Who would?

"We'll find another way," Twilight said. Going back, though, the door we came in through was gone.

We were sealed in.

"What, no ha ha now?" Pinkamena said harshly to Pinkie. "It's easy if you don't think about the future, but every story ends the same. With death."

Except mine, maybe.

Pinkie leaned on Fluttershy, twitching.

"Of course, your parents could be dead right now, and you wouldn't know, since you abandoned them," Pinkamena continued.

"So did you or you wouldn't be here," I told her.

She made teeth grinding noises instead of replying.

Dash licked her lips nervously. "I suppose it doesn't help if I laugh."

"You're not smart enough to know what death is," Pinkamena said.

I've defied death, but I don't think I can laugh at it. I never WANT to end up on fire and slowly sliding down a greased rope into a sea of broken glass.

It just happens somehow.

"When I was a filly, Mom used to tell Apple jokes. She married into the Apple Family. So she tried to be more an Apple than anyone else," Applejack said. "One of her favorites was this. What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish?"

"You can't cross an apple with a shellfish unless you're some kind of mad wizard," Twilight said, sounding confused.

Spike sidled up to Twilight and whispered loudly to her, "It's a JOKE."

"A crabapple," Ivan said, smiling a little.

Pinkie's ears twitched. "Even I don't make fun of the dead," she mumbled.

"I'm not making fun of the dead," Applejack said somberly. "I'm making fun with the dead. Here's another one. Silver Lining came rushing in to see his dad, Copper Lining. 'Dad,' he said, breathing hard. 'Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?' Copper Lining angled his head, a mite worried about his son. "Yes, it is, son. That's what they say.' His son looked relieved. 'Give me an apple quick! I've just broken the doctor's window!'" She smiled now, remembering her mother, no doubt, and Rainbow Dash began laughing and laughing and laughing. Soarin' chuckled and I couldn't help but smile. Rarity giggled, then put her hand over her mouth.

Twilight blinked twice, then laughed, then looked embarrassed. Pinkie smiled, then frowned at herself.

"C'mon, Pinkie, let it out," Applejack said. "You told us to laugh at our fears, right? Ain't no bigger fear than this. Here's another one. Two colts were eating lunch at school. One had an apple and the other told him to watch out for worms in it. The first one said, 'Why should I? They can watch out for themselves without my help.'" She grinned at that, and Pinkie laughed.

Rainbow Dash was STILL laughing, and now Spitfire laughed too, then looked a little embarrassed and Soarin' gave a great guffaw.

"How do you make an apple puff?" Applejack said, grinning.

"You chase it around the garden," Apple Blossom said, surprising us. "What can a whole apple do that half an apple can’t do?"

"It can look round," Applejack said, and Pinkie laughed, then tried to stop herself, though it was hard. She glanced over at the body and sighed.

"How do you make an apple turnover?" Applejack asked.

"Push it down the hill," Apple Blossom said, laughing. "A colt asked his father, 'Do you liked baked apples, Dad?' He blinked and replied, 'Everyone likes baked apples, son.' The son gave a sigh of relief. 'Good, because now the orchard is on fire.'"

They kept going relentlessly, Pinkamena trying to stop Apple Blossom, but nothing could stop them. Joke after joke, a barrage of jokes about apples and farming. Ivan threw in a few as well.

Everyone was laughing but Pinkie, who was struggling and twitching and trying not to laugh. "I can't, I can't," she said over and over.

"Wouldn't your great-grandmother want you to laugh? She died so people could be happy. You should be happy to honor her," Fluttershy said very seriously.

"Go ahead, mock death too," Pinkamena said grimly. "We both know there's nothing you consider sacred."

Fluttershy stood up, staring at the ceiling. "That is enough."

"She thinks life is a joke, but the only joke is the one on her. So much potential, but she wastes it all on being silly and trying to make people like her. So she gets used and she doesn't even know it. What a sad, sad pony," Pinkamena said bitterly. "But she's just faking it."

"That's enough," Fluttershy said more firmly and took to the air, staring at the ceiling. Can she see how they see us? "Pinkie is my friend. I don't care who you are. You think she's a fake. If she's fake and you're real, I would rather have the fake."

BURN.

"You don't really like her. You just want someone to laugh at," Pinkamena said bitterly. "No one really likes us."

"Pinkie is my friend," Fluttershy said firmly, trying to stand taller.

"Ahh, yes, the tender love of a coward. That's really useful," Pinkamena said.

Pinkie struggled to her feet. "Fluttershy is not a coward. She's kind and gentle."

"Sometimes I'm jealous of her because Pinkie isn't afraid of anything," Fluttershy said. "But I admire her because she overcomes her fears."

"Yes, you see how well that's going," Pinkamena said harshly.

"Death is very scary," Fluttershy said. "I take care of animals. Do you know how long a mouse lives? I've taken care of the great-great-grandparents of some of the mice I care for right now," she said softly. "But from death, new life comes. Death is not the end, only a change. We will always be reborn in new forms. And our families will continue. Death scares me, but I face it and I will face it in the future. I... will not let it rule me." She sank down and stood by Pinkie Pie. "Laugh with me. Laugh for your great-grandmother."

"I need something to laugh at," Pinkie Pie mumbled.

I jumped up and down making faces and waggling my arms. "BERUEIWLUEREL!"

Pinkie Pie stared, then tried to imitate me. Soon, she, Fluttershy, and I were jumping around, acting ludicrous.

Goodbye, dignity.

And then slowly, with creaky voices, the dead began to laugh. They laughed and laughed and everyone was laughing and jumping around and the gates swung open.

"You are hopeless," Pinkamena said bitterly.

"No, I have hope," Pinkie said. "If even the dead can laugh, then I have hope." She smiled brightly. "Come on, I want to meet Princess Marjorie and see if she likes cookies!"

I have a bad feeling what she likes is us getting an asskicking.

But we'll see.

***************

The next room had the final key. When we took it, a door appeared with three keyholes. Convenient. We took a short rest break, but much as I would have liked more rest, we were pretty sure our foes wouldn't just let us rest. And we had a time limit.

But we took a short break to relax. Pinkie Pie and Applejack traded jokes the whole time, which was pretty entertaining.

"I wish we could have bathed," Rarity complained. It was just a little whiney. But not a lot whiney.

"Me too," I said. "But probably some wandering monster would have shown up for Ivan and I."

"I'm sure we could have worked out something for you to bathe with us," Rarity said.

"We could blindfold you," Dash began, sitting sphinx style next to Soarin'.

"The problem is me being seen, not me seeing ponies naked, when I already see you naked," I said.

"It seems silly," Dash said.

"It's just a human thing," I mumbled.

"I'm surprised Ivan didn't have a cutie mark," Dash mused. "I thought he has a pretty strong purpose."

"Yes, but it was just a potion. I don't think it could grant a true cutie mark," I said. "Any more than I would gain Twilight's magic if I drank it and turned into Twilight."

"You could turn into a woman?" Dash said, surprised.

"Yes," I said. "I have no reason to but I could."

"I prefer you as a man," Rarity said.

"I prefer me as a man too," I told her, then scritched her behind her ears; she was sitting Sphinx style next to me. She pulled several thimbles out of her bags and began manipulating them to scratch my back gently. Ooh, that felt good.

"Damn, that looks good," Rainbow Dash said.

I was a little embarrassed now. "Yes," I squeaked.

Soarin' looked at me and I tried to hint to him to do that for Dash.

He clearly didn't quite get it, and Dash said, again, "That looks really nice."

Now Rarity and I were BOTH trying to signal him and he looked really confused.

Spitfire now whispered something to Soarin', who now said, "Want a back rub, Dash?"

"Yes," she said firmly, sounding a little aggravated.

He began working on her; pony hooves are really not hugely well suited for this but he did his best and she soon was quite happy.

Why am I so embarrassed? Damn, this feels good, though.

"We should think about how not to just walk into a giant trap," I said. "They know we're coming. We need something to catch them by surprise."

"We could all take a little sip of the potion and turn the ponies into humans and the humans into ponies," Pinkie said. "That would confuse them!"

"None of us would be fighting the way we're used to," Twilight said.

"Also, we need something to clearly mark our evil twins," Rainbow Dash said.

"Oh, THAT, I am ready for," Twilight said, smiling impishly.

"I smell a praaaank," Pinkie Pie said cheerfully.

"What is it?" I asked.

"I can't say yet. A joke is funniest the first time, according to my primer on jokes," Twilight said. "But you *will* laugh *and* it will clearly identify them as our evil twins." She giggled. "I can hardly wait to do it."

"That's the spirit!" Pinkie said. "I'm proud of you, Twilight. You normally never pull pranks!"

"Oh man, I am TOTALLY curious now," Spike said. "Are you going to give them all duck heads?"

"If I thought that would work, I would turn them all into cactus," Twilight said. She looked thoughtful. "We could use reinforcements. If we knew some way to find Erik, I'm sure he'd help us."

"I have orders to take him to Celestia," Spitfire said and Soarin' nodded.

"C'mon, surely you could wait until we got out of the dungeon," Pinkie said. "What are you going to do, lock him up in your saddlebags?"

"Celestia wants very much to see him," Spitfire said stiffly. "I know you like him, Twilight, but I can't let him roam free once I'm sure where he is."

FUCK ME.

"I'm sure she'll understand once I explain everything!," Twilight said frantically.

There's going to be a fake Erik somehow and everything will GO TO HELL.

"Relax," Rarity said softly to me. "You're getting tense again."

Her ministrations did make it easier to relax and I suddenly wondered if she suspected. But surely she wouldn't be this nice to me if she did. But there is the other thing, which they all have to suspect...

As if on cue, Dash said, "Marcus, I have to ask you something."

Fuck me. Can't be good. "Go on?"

"Why are you so scared all the time?" Dash asked. "You know you're safe with us."

I relaxed a little, which I could tell confused her. "I have had a long and turbulent life, full of adventure but also danger. Often, running for my life was either the best or the only solution," I told her. "Right now, here, I feel fairly safe. With all of you around me. But dungeons, they especially require paranoia."

"Yeah, but you ran right into the quicksand," Dash pointed out.

I laughed ruefully. "Built up instincts don't always work."

"I... don't know if I should ask," Dash said, suddenly studying the ground.

Soarin' continued to work her back silently, though now he looked curious.

I had a feeling I didn't want her to ask.

"Is it urgent?" Rarity asked, sounding a little nervous herself.

"Maybe I shouldn't ask," Dash told Rarity's foot.

Now I'm curious AND scared at the same time, a combination which usually ends in FIRE.

"Just ask," I said. Dammit, why did I say that? "You're a good friend. I know you wouldn't ask if you didn't think it was important."

Dash said, "I'll be right back, Soarin'."

What?

He blinked and nodded and we went off to the corner. Very softly, she said, "Did something... bad... ever happen to you when bathing with others?"

...

"Because you totally know we wouldn't do anything... you know... to hurt you." Dash sounded very worried.

"I've had people try to kill me when I was naked or at least come at with intent to do me harm," I told her.

Her eyes widened and she grimaced. "We wouldn't... you can trust us," she said urgently.

"But everything I said about humans generally not bathing with the opposite sex also applies. I didn't make that up. I know you won't do anything to me," I told Dash. "I trust you. But you're a woman. It's just not done, generally. Even in Thyatis we segregate our baths by gender." And I have to avoid being KILLED.

"But I'm naked all the time," she mumbled.

"It's a human thing," I told her.

"Most of the human things seem to suck," Dash said. "Though hands seem pretty useful."

"Very," I told her. "A human without hands is pretty much helpless, though you can still walk, at least."

"I..." Dash licked her lips. "Okay. You just have to know you're safe with us."

"I know," I told her. "Thank you."

We came back and settled in where we had been before, though now Dash tried to give Soarin' a backrub. "You two good?" he asked.

"We're good," she said, though she sounded a little sad.

Sorry, Dash, it isn't you, but I have to hide my naked ass.

Or I will surely die.

I now took Rarity's thimbles and worked on her back, while she made happy noises. Always repay a favor.

It now hit me there had been a distinct lag of magical weapon swag. Though apparently Keraptis isn't running the show, so maybe they all took his weapons and are doing it their way.

Though I have this shapechanging sword which may well be the Falchion of Minroth.

Even though this is going to unlock uncomfortable questions, I have to know. So I asked Twilight to come over; she did so with Spike tagging along. He sat down on the other side of Rarity from me.

"Did Owlicious say anything about the Falchion of Minroth's powers?" I asked her. "If Marquetta is behind all this... and I suspect 'Marjorie' is actually her... then she may be after my sword. Though on the other hand, when she invaded my dreams, she didn't actually say anything about my sword."

"Well, I think it hides from her when it is not in falchion form," Twilight said. "Which is also probably why Minroth hasn't reclaimed it."

"Making a weapon that can hide from you seems foolish to me," Spike said.

Twilight licked her lips. "I didn't want to raise this in the middle of a mission but since we're on the topic... Dmitri was you, right?"

"I think," I said. "I'm not sure what's going on. I have bits of memory relating to him... I recognized that death... but it's like he died. And there's other times I thought I was dead and then I wasn't, but... my memories are full of holes and I can't even remember where I was born or who I was at the time." Just thinking about it creeps me out. I stared at the floor. "I might have even been an elf at one point," I told her. "And it's like... That thing when I freaked out and grabbed Dash, I think I was a dwarf."

"Maybe the sword reincarnates you when you die?" Spike speculated thoughtfully.

Rarity nuzzled me comfortingly and I ruffled her mane. "It's okay," she said softly.

"Thank you," I said softly.

Spike resumed Marcus-hate-o-vision. Sorry, man. But everyone needs a hug sometimes.

I got a pony hug from Twilight as well, and then Dash too. I felt better if crushed after that. Ponies are not as lightweight as you'd think.

"I think Spike's theory has merit," Twilight said. "It's as good a guess as any. You've had the sword ever since, right?"

"Yes," I told her. It was an axe when I was Erik, I now realized.

Twilight tapped her cheek. "Any memory of being a pony, a gnome, or a halfling?"

I was afraid to find out but I cleared my mind and asked it for a damn flashback.

Glimmers of thought. Twilight trotted over again and touched her horn to my forehead. Oh crap. And then there was light.

***************

TWILIGHT-INDUCED FLASHBACK:

Boats make me nervous despite living on an island. Open Isle was originally barren, but our ancestors made it suitable for halflings like us and now it's a mixture of grains, vegetables, and orchards. We live in nice burrows, though we keep some surface buildings for the tall folk and on the fringes of the island where the water table is too close to the surface.

We were on our way to a very dangerous place. The Isle of Dread. Home to crazed monsters extinct everywhere else. Mostly various kinds of homicidal lizards. But we can handle them, I think.

Once I am no longer on a boat.

I may be a halfling, but I can kick anything bigger's ass, so long as I have something stable to stand on. If this boat sinks, I will die in the ocean, as even I can't swim 300 miles back to Minrothad.

But I'm sure it'll be fine. I've got a good group of companions.

I glanced over at Sildil, who was staring at her hands for some reason. She's our break-in expert and a little flighty sometimes. She also seems rather confused. "Sildil, what's wrong?"

"I have hands," she said.

This is going to be a long trip, I see.

"And they're exactly where you left them," I said.

"What?" Delune asked; she was seated in the captain's chair on the upper deck; she's trained in the secret Minrothad arts of weather and sailing wizardry. With her, we don't need a big crew for this ship, or even winds. She can MAKE our winds. Her curly black hair whipped about in the wind; she has a single pink stripe for some reason down one side of her hair. "Did Sildil forget her tools? Dammit, I told her to pack them! I made a list of all of my supplies! Sildil, if you don't plan, you can't complain when you don't have something. Am I going to have to turn this boat around?" She put her hands on her hips. "Jacob!"

The hold door soon opened and Jacob stuck his head up; he's our token human, big and strong and smarter than he looks, with short brown hair and a thick mustache Like me, he's in charge of stabbing things. Though he uses a claymore; they're a kind of giant two-handed sword from his homeland in Glantri, Klantyre. "Some things got loose, I was tying them down, Delune," he said.

"Sildil forgot some of her equipment," Delune said, frustrated. "Tell me you packed it for her."

"I've got it all!" Maela said, startling us all. Wasn't she back on Open Isle? Her boyfriend had wanted her to perform for some of his clients; Joam is involved in selling oranges to the Thyatian navy, which uses them to fight scurvy. You can't trust Thyatians but you CAN profit off them. She had her weird instrument; it's half bellows, half piano, half... something. However, she now threw a backpack at Sildil's feet. "Here's all her stuff she forgot! Good thing I remembered! I finished helping out Joam, so I borrowed a boat and came after you." She smiled, making her long brown hair flop about in its fancy style she favors.

We were now towing a small sailing boat. Well, that could be useful, though our failure to notice her arrival doesn't bode well for any pirate encounters we may have.

I patted my short sword. It's enchanted, but not very impressive. However, if all goes well and the map is accurate, then soon I'll have a much better one.

"Hey, Spiira," I shouted up to the crow's nest. Spiira was, in fact, busy mending and improving our sails instead of keeping watch. She had her long red hair pulled back in a white kerchief decorated with embroidered blue gems.

"Can't talk, working," Spiira said. "Be with you in a minute."

"Thanks, Maela," Delune said to her. "Sildil, are you okay?"

Sildil wobbled slightly, then looked at Jacob. "Big!"

"Yes, I am," he said amiably. "Booga wooga!" He faked being a ghost and she jumped, then got mad.

"Don't make fun of me!"

"Is Rafe down with you?" I asked Jacob. Rafe is our cleric; he worships Minroth and has been a big help to me in our adventures.

"Rafe is busy purifying the food and water again, just to be sure," Jacob said. "I don't think doing it every day is necessary."

"I am taking no chances," I told him. I'd rather be careful than rush into disaster.

But really, with this group backing me, I can't go wrong.

"Why are we all barefoot?" Sildil asked me.

"Because we have hairy feet that keep us warm and we're more sure-footed and silent without shoes," I said.

"Technically, since Rafe and I have boots on, we're not all barefoot," Jacob said cheerfully.

Delune now launched into a lecture on why halflings are normally barefoot which really was more than we needed to know, given we're all halflings except for Jacob and he's been around us so long, he already knows.

I dunno what is up with Sildil.

"Time for oompa-dancing," Maela said, starting up her thing... I need to find out what it is one of these days.

Spiira begged off due to the 'need' to make the sails 'better'. Somehow.

The rest of us were soon whiling the hours away with a dance.

**************

We all stared mindlessly at each other, then Dash stared at her hooves. "I have hooves," she mumbled.

"Okay, that answers one question," Twilight mumbled.

"I hope you don't mind I cut in," Pinkie said from behind me, making me jump. "But you said I could come to the next flashback."

...

"I used to be tiny with hairy feet?" Dash said, confused.

"I think Twilight's spell kind of inserted you into people from the memory; I don't think those people were you," I said. Though now I wasn't sure. "I think in the actual events, Maela was not able to just suddenly catch up to us."

"Being bigger than Twilight was kind of cool," Spike said. "And I had a GREAT mustache"

I felt a lot braver than I normally do, though. That one must have been a long time ago. Now I felt kind of jealous of him for not being so worried and having a good group of friends to rely on.

Though this group is pretty good.

"Now I'm going to worry about those sails," Rarity said, sighing.

Soarin' laughed. "Being a cleric was kind of cool. So what happened to them?"

"I guess we succeeded," I said. "But I don't remember clearly."

"We could try again," Twilight said.

"It's probably better not to probe too deep right now as if something attacked while we were all locked in a flashback, then the others would be without our help," I said. "And knocking us out of the spell might cause trouble."

"Ho, ho, Pinkie to the rescue!" Pinkie said cheerfully. "That was Odo the Quick and his friends. They had a bunch of adventures around seventy five years ago," she said.

"But that would be before I was Dmitri," I said hesitantly.

"Yes," Pinkie said. "Unless you time-traveled! I could tell you all about how Khoronus became his own grandfather and his own sponsor for immortality! Thanks to time-travel!"

"You didn't have the sword either, right?" Dash said.

"Yes, I was off on a quest to find some weapon."

"The sword, maybe?" Spike said.

"But Dmitri got the sword from Marquetta," I said.

"Yes, but maybe you were in the group she took it from. Then you reincarnated and came back for it," Twilight said. "Elf, Dwarf, Halfling, Human... I bet you were a Pony at some point too."

"I'm sure Marcus would be a very handsome stallion," Rarity said, smiling.

Probably but it means NAKED ASS and that means DEATH TO MARCUS.

Really, this whole conversation is treading on dangerous ground. If they had seen me since... when did I get the tattoo? Dmitri did NOT have it, I know that. I think I got it when I was Cufen, after I stopped being Aristobolus. Then I became Erik, then Marcus.

Hey wait, that guy was named Cufen? Well, it is a common Minrothadi name, I think.

If he turns out to have the face I had...

I stupidly didn't even ASK. And I'm not sure how I can subtly ask.

"You would be a very beautiful human, I'm sure," I told her. Get off topic of me as pony and on topic of complimenting her and not the topic of how I might be Erik because I AM.

"You've known Ivan for years, right?" Twilight said.

"Yes," I said. "At least a decade, I think. He was on his Shearing when we met."

"Do you know how Odo died, Pinkie?" Twilight asked.

"He went on a quest and never came back," Pinkie said. "Beyond that, I don't know."

"We should probably get going and worry about this later," I said. Much as I want to know. "As the longer we wait, the more time our foes have to get ready."

Twilight nodded, though I could tell her curiosity was up. Aaaargh. She's probably the only one who can solve this but...

We got everyone together, then headed through the door.

**************

We passed down a hallway and into a large room. It was tiled with geometric art and paintings of swirling voids of shadow and creepy red and dark blue points of light. Someone had improvised chains made of adamantine... okay, no one just 'improvises' chains made of adamantine, but it was clear the actual tying of Keraptis to the wall with mithril stakes and adamantine chains had been improvised and showed signs of melting things into place. Probably thanks to Spikey.

One wall was covered with levers and crystal panels and buttons and switches and shining lights and little crystal balls which held various messages. You could see the mouth of the volcano in one of the crystal panels, though nothing interesting was happening unless you happened to really like steam.

Keraptis was human-sized but hidden inside his purple and black robes, and seven stars shone inside his hood, which was kind of creepy. You could see his hands; he had pale flesh with black veins. UGH. However, he had a guest we had not anticipated.

A god-pony.

She was off-white, a kind of creamy, shiny color, not the same as Celestia's white coat, but not that far removed. Buff? No, that's totally not it. There's something more precise than off-white, I think.

Anyway, her oddly shiny coat was matched by a black mane, elaborately coiffed into curls and piled up on her head, under her fancy crown, designed to work around the hair, made of gold and set with opals. She wore... it was like her hoof-guard-things were made of a smoothly polished solid version of her coat. Like jade, but the color of her coat. Something like that.

Probably enchanted, the way I assume Celestia's are.

Her eyes were green like fine jade and she was an alicorn like Celestia. Could this be Luna? Though if that pony in that one picture had been Luna, she'd changed appearance a lot as Nightmare Moon. The alicorn's cutie mark was three smaller stars orbiting a larger one. One of the three smaller ones shone a little brighter than the other two, though not on the level of the larger star.

Then I remembered who Sir Lintsalot served. 'Princess Marjorie the Wise'. Who is probably Marquetta transformed into a god-Pony.

She was accompanied by the Elements of Power but also by three Ponies we had not met yet. One of them was an Earth pony with a gray mane and a coat which was an odd grayish purple, hitched to a cart of cabbages. His cutie mark, however, was a turnip. The second was an elegant unicorn pony with a coat which was a grayish blue and a mane of grayish dark-green. Her hair was elaborately coiffed and she wore golden glasses hooked to her ears by delicate gold chains and a fancy black and white dress. Her cutie mark was a very elegant bag of flour. The last one was a young pegasus stallion, wearing a leather jacket and brass fittings on his hooves for fighting, grey-coated with a black mane. He had a pile of rocks for a cutie mark.

Pinkie stared at them, mouth wide open, unable to actually speak. Applejack gave them an odd look and frowned.

Twilight bowed, so we all bowed to the god-pony. Was she really a god-pony? But we would have heard of her. This was likely Marquetta. But we'd have to see.

"Princess Marjorie, these are the Elements of Harmony, the evil clones of your servants the Elements of Power," Mr. Turnip said. He sounded just like Pinkamena trying to sound male.

Madam LeFlour, on the other hand, sounded like Pinkamena trying to fake a Prance accent. "Zey are a gang of unlettered barbarians with no fashion sense, who steal ze oranges from poor, hard-working dogs and rob and pillage everything in sight."

Ivan gave a thumbs up, grinning.

I now noticed Rarity had donned her fancy dress, thanks to the power of HAT. This is why hats rule.

I touched my hat, reveling in its benevolence. And its toting of an emergency escape spell. I quickly checked for exits. Four tunnels led out of here; none had obvious wards or traps or even doors.

"We have hats, and thus cannot fail to be in fashion," I said. "And Rarity is an expert fashion designer."

"And Fluttershy is a famous model," Twilight said quickly.

Fluttershy said, "I retired from modeling though, to pursue hugging bunnies and feeding ferrets." She paused. "But I can model if you really want me to." She licked her lips nervously.

"I am Princess Marjorie the Wise," Princess Marjorie said with her very smooth, gracious voice. It reminded me of Apple Blossom or Rarity, except she took it to the next level up. Utterly smooth and charming and calm and collected. "I command the stars themselves."

That does make sense. I think the Draconic immortals also line up to a sun/moon/stars triad, with the Great One as the boss. The Sun Dragon commands the metallic dragons, the Moon Dragon commands colored dragons, and the Star Dragon commands gemstone dragons. Which I assume Spike hails from that line, though I'm not sure.

But I've never heard of this 'Princess Marjorie' either. She is probably Marquetta.

Twilight studied her a few seconds, then smiled a little. "I am Twilight Sparkle, Princess, a student of the stars and disciple of Princess Celestia."

"You believe that," she said sadly, "But actually you were made through the wicked magics of this fool Keraptis, mere shadows of my Elements of Power," she continued. Her words held so much conviction, you wanted to believe them, though I knew this wasn't true.

"We are NOT shadows," Applejack said firmly. "Sorry, Princess, but somepony's garbled something somewhere, 'cause that ain't true. We got born in the natural way, and we grew up the natural way and I guess one day we'll die the natural way and go back to the soil. I think that Pinkamena's pulled a fast one on you."

"I would never lie to Princess Marjorie," Pinkamena said. "I am her faithful servant." She sounded angelic but her eyes were angry.

I could see Pinkie's eyes taking in her imaginary friends made real and putting it all together for herself. Her eyes widened, and then she looked worried.

Keraptis tried to speak but nothing came out of his mouth. Yeah, he knows the truth, so she silenced him.

"They're the ones who robbed Vermicoritax, Princess," I said, bowing. "I am Samus Marcus of Thyatis."

"You believe that, but you are just another shadow of the real thing," she said sadly with such conviction, I could almost believe it. But I remembered what Twilight had shown me. I find it hard to believe I was once a Halfling but it feels right.

Unfortunately.

I prefer being a human, but then, I likely thought the same of being a halfling then.

Sammy looked at me and had the GALL to look sad. Bastard.

"You all have stolen items which belong to my servants. But I am merciful as a princess should be," Marjorie said. "Bow to me and swear fealty and I will allow you to live. Any who will not swear must be destroyed."

"Hell no," Spike said.

Twilight looked at the odds against us. Not good at all. A god-Pony who may be a red dragon, our evil twins AND Pinkie's imaginary friends, short one who is on his way to Canterlot.

Pinkie turned to her imaginary friends, "You wouldn't really attack us, would you?"

They all looked intensely uncomfortable. "I could never attack you, Pinkie," Rocky said. "But these other ponies, you know they don't care about you. We're your real friends. You should join us."

Madam LeFlour nodded. "We love you, Pinkie, but we don't like these rude, vulgar ponies who just come around when they feel like it and leave you alone too much."

"That's not true," Fluttershy protested. "We care about Pinkie."

"We have cabbages," Mr. Turnip said with a sing-song voice and I could not help but laugh. So did Rainbow Dash.

Pinkie said, "They are my friends. But you're my friends too. Do we really have to fight?" She winced.

"If you swear fealty to me, you won't have to fight your old friends," Marjorie said smoothly.

"But I can't fight my new friends either," Pinkie said frantically, looking back and forth.

"We'd be happy to have you," Twilight said warmly to Pinkie's imaginary friends.

"You can't leave me," Pinkamena said urgently. "You know they're bad ponies, anyway. You know how badly they treat Pinkie."

"They don't treat me badly!" Pinkie protested.

"Pinkie's our friend, we don't mistreat her," Applejack protested. "We even threw her a surprise party for her birthday!"

"It was fun too!," Pinkie said. "We're going to have a big victory party in Canterlot after this! You should all come," she said hopefully to her imaginary but now semi-real friends.

"A party with Princess Celestia, zat would be wonderful," Madam LeFlour said.

"Oooh, I bet there will be some fine grub," Rocky said gleefully.

"I bet I could sell a lot of cabbages," Mr. Turnip said. He sounded elated.

"I... uh... I don't know how much they go for cabbages," Applejack said to Mr. Turnip. "They can be kinda snooty."

Applejack, don't undercut Pinkie's effort to sway them!

"You should all come!" Pinkie said to the Elements. "We can settle this better with a party!"

"I like parties," Keraptis said with his creepy, creaky voice. Just listening to him made my skin crawl.

Soarin' now whispered to Dash, who looked utterly shocked, but he, to my surprise, looked firm and she nodded, though she didn't seem happy.

"Later," Princess Marjorie said. "All of you must bow to me and swear fealty or you will be destroyed and there will be no parties at all." Her voice held a tone of impatient command. "KNEEL."

"No," Twilight said. "We bow only to Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, not to you. Your servants have stolen items we must recover. We are willing to negotiate but we will not swear fealty."

"Then you will DIE," Princess Marjorie said.

Well, shit. I may end up using that feather, only I doubt I can escape here on my own.

Princess Marjorie spread her wings and shouted angrily at us. Then she shone in a great aura of sparkling stars. It hit us and we all stumbled, the force of her mind hammering at us. Pinkie and Fluttershy fell down and Ivan and I collapsed onto our hands and knees before her power. Rarity stumbled back, as did Soarin', and Spike fell down like Ivan and I. But Twilight stood among the stars as if born to do so, and Applejack planted her hooves, driving them into the stone, and Spitfire, though she was pushed back, now managed to push back to her starting point.

And Dash?

To my utter shock, she flew off down one of the hallways, vanishing from sight. I couldn't believe it.

"We will not kneel," Twilight said determinedly.

Pinkie and Fluttershy both rolled away from Marjorie, then recovered and tried to stop rolling more. Soarin' ended up pressed to the wall. Spitfire tried to advance, but couldn't do it. I fell onto my back like a turtle, tumbled, and caught myself. Damnation.

Ivan cursed like a sailor, catching himself, even as Rarity now stumbled over to me and tried to roll me over.

"Anyone who relies only on their strength to get their way is no princess, nothing more than a bully," Twilight said calmly, as if whatever the hell this is happened all the time.

I tried to focus, but I could feel memories flipping through my mind. I remembered the dragonfear, so powerful, tearing apart our plans. We got some of the dragon's treasure but we fled, possessed by fear and died, screaming, afraid.

I was so afraid. I could see my deaths. Too many of them. Not as many as I had feared, but it held me down, paralyzed me. This was Marquetta and she was going to kill me again and there was nothing I could do. I envied Twilight so much, her certainty and strength.

I always afraid, always torn, always running away. When I do try to commit to something, it blows up. All I wanted to do was to flee again and it made me sick.

Not sick enough to stop wanting to run.

Marjorie turned the full strength of her gaze on Twilight, who gritted her teeth and made her horn glow and stood defiantly.

Applejack got her lasso and snagged Fluttershy, starting to pull her back up by herself and Twilight.

"Marcus, come on, get up," Rarity said, wobbling herself. "You can do it."

I clutched her leg. It helped a little, though she nearly fell on me.

She was shaking, but she stood and I felt even more embarrassed.

Keraptis' eyes were moving around, disturbing me more. The Elements of Power and Pinkie's imaginary friends just watched, waiting for a command. The aura didn't touch them, somehow, though it shone around them.

"I am divine," Marquetta insisted. I hope she's lying and she's just faking being a god-Pony, but who knows. She's got a hell of an aura, just a dragon or an Immortal in mortal form. "You are mortal and you will BOW to the one who is better than you."

"You might be stronger," Twilight said, concentrating, "But you are not better. You misuse your strength instead of using it to defend others. I will not bow. None of us will bow."

Ivan stumbled and then he rose, stumbling forward a step. "I will not bow!" he shouted. "I am sick and tired of wolves like you!" He swept his arm across all our foes as if to somehow smite them with his hand. Slowly, he stumbled over to Pinkie and began trying to help her up.

For some reason, Soarin' started smiling, though he was still pinned to the wall.

Slowly, I climbed up, with Rarity's help, using her to stabilize me, though I had to cling to her to do so. I felt the strength of her mind twine with mine, calming my fears and enabling me to hold out against Marjorie's incredible amount of power.

But I doubt I looked very impressive leaning down and clinging to her like a life preserver.

Fluttershy began rolling forwards; it was stupidly cute to watch her go, and I actually smiled a little. Seeing her trying helped me to try harder.

Spitfire was stuck, unwilling to retreat, unable to advance, Soarin' still stuck to the wall, but Spike crawled over and we stood together, except for the missing Dash, though some of us (Applejack, Twilight) were rather more impressive than the others.

I cannot believe Dash ran away!

On the other hand, I would have run if I hadn't been too scared to run. I'd be on the floor without Rarity.

"You can't break us," Twilight said confidently. I think she's so thrilled to take on Marjorie and hold her own in an aura battle that she hasn't thought about us being severely outnumbered. "We can still discuss this like rational adults."

"Do not talk down to ME, mortal," Princess Marjorie hissed angrily. "You will KNEEL."

The aura came on stronger and we wobbled. Especially me. It was growing unbearable.

And then Soarin' surprised everyone by flailing, shouting and generally carrying on ridiculously. Everyone turned to stare at him, wondering what was going on, even Marjorie.

"He's finally snapped, which you'd expect of anyone crazy enough to kiss a coward like Rainbow Dash," Pinkamena said sadly.

"What a zad fate for a Wonderbolt," Madam LeFlour said.

"You are pathetic," Princess Marjorie said harshly.

This is when I learned something important.

If you fly fast enough, you can actually fly faster than sound. This means no one can hear you coming because you outrace the sound you make.

Which means, crazily enough, that you can sneak up on someone at EXTREMELY high speed.

None of us saw it coming until suddenly, BOOM, a giant rainbow exploded through the room, shredding Marjorie's aura like a knife driven through toilet paper. THEN we heard it. It was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen, and at the heart of it was Rainbow Dash. My face got wet somehow as I stared at it, feeling the strength finally come back into my limbs. She came back.

I should have known she wouldn't run away.

She came back for us.

I nearly fell down from the removal of the pressure. Princess Marjorie went tumbling past Keraptis, who began laughing. "Marvelous, marvelous," he said, his light dots forming into a huge inhuman grin.

"BOO YAH!" Rainbow Dash shouted. "Like a dream, Soarin', like a DREAM."

Soarin' began laughing and I realized... he'd planned this.

I had to give him a thumbs up for that. Nicely played, Soarin'.

I should have known she'd never abandon us.

The Elements of Power stared, eyes wide, as tiny fragments of rainbow fell down on everything. They looked utterly stunned. I'm sure I did too.

When Marjorie rose back up, she was the angriest thing I have seen in a very long time. Smoke came out of her mouth and her eyes burned with rage. "You dare. YOU DARE!"

"I always dare," Rainbow Dash said, striking a cocky pose. "You ready to stop talking smack?"

Princess Marjorie's wings stirred dust as she rose and now her horn grew into a long spear. "Let's try that again. KILL THEM ALL!" she shouted and charged at Dash, who fled before her.

"Dash!" Twilight shouted, but she now had to counter Dawn Gleaming's lightning barrage with a burst of water. She then cast a spell and...

Goatees appeared on our evil twins. Their onrushing attack was briefly stalled by sheer shock at what Twilight had done.

Pinkie fell down and rolled around. "HAHAHAHAH! Good one, Twilight!" She crashed right into her evil twin and now they were both rolling around, Pinkamena yelling angrily.

I expected Sammy to come at me, but he charged at Twilight, then had to dodge when Spike breathed fire at him. He kept trying to come at her, but Spike held him off. "I won't let you hurt her!" Spike shouted.

Apple Blossom now slid on gloves from under her dress. Or boots. Whatever is right for a cloth covering of her forehooves. Then she slinked towards Applejack, who said, "Don't make me ruin your frou-frou dress, fake me."

Applejack was quite surprised when a glowing cord appeared between Apple Blossom's forehooves and then she moved to tangle it around one of Applejack's legs and throw her. "Even a lady must learn to defend herself," she said to Applejack. "Have at thee!" And now the fight really started.

Rocky looked off towards the missing Dash, then at Fluttershy, then at Soarin' and then nodded. He and Cruisin' both came at Soarin', who whipped through the middle of them, tossing them aside; he began dodging them both, keeping them busy.

Spitfire drank more of her potion and she and Fire Swallow began circling each other in the air, spitting fire at each other and dodging each other's shots.

Mr. Turnip rushed over and helped Pinkie and Pinkamena get up. "You okay, Pinkie?" he asked, worried.

"I'm fine! You okay?" she asked Pinkamena.

"I'm fine." Beat. "Mr. Turnip, you have to capture her for her own good! She has to learn these other ponies don't care about her!"

Mr. Turnip laughed nervously, clearly not wanting to do this but also clearly not much of a fighter.

Spikey rushed at me; he wore a red cape and was armed with a golden sword. I parried the blow, but then he breathed fire on me; my sword parted the flames and Spikey's eyes widened. I grinned a little at that. "Do we have to fight?" I asked him. "Surely you wouldn't attack fair Rarity, would you?" I asked.

He faltered, staring at Rarity.

Rarity was locked in an arrow duel with Clarity, arrows arcing around wildly and knocking each other out of the air. I couldn't tell who was better, though I don't think either was going all out yet.

Ivan tried to run over to free Keraptis but was intercepted by Niccolo; the two of them began to fight, sword to sword, but Niccolo began to be forced back. The Elements of Power are copies, but they're clearly strong copies... but Niccolo was just a copy of Ivan. He had no metaphysical weight behind him.

Unfortunately, Rainbow Crash now charged at Spitfire, nailing her and sending her tumbling and she and Fire Swallow began driving her back.

Dragonfly was busy cackling and hurling lightning at Fluttershy, who dodged desperately, trying to avoid being blasted. Without any animals or plants to work with, her powers wouldn't be much use. I felt terrible for her, but I was pinned down.

Twilight now hurled fire at Dawn Gleaming, but Madame LeFlour dumped a huge cloud of flour on her, and now she was inside her own fire storm and she ran around yelping. Spike wanted to help her but was busy with my evil twin. "Sorry, Spike," Sammy said, "But once I set my mind on something I cannot be stopped and I never give up!"

I winced at that.

"I love Dawn Gleaming with all my heart and I won't let her evil twin hurt her!" Sammy said, dodging and weaving, trying to get past Spike's fire blasts.

All your heart. That's a good way to get your heart broken. I fought the urge to flashback to when I was with Dona Carlotta. Too dangerous under the circumstances.

"I won't let you hurt Twilight! Now stand still and BURN UP!" Spike shouted.

I wanted to do something to help Twilight but what could I do? Dammit! I tried to remember how the water spell went.

But I couldn't remember while fighting Spikey, even with him stroking his goatee and being pleased by it. I slowly pushed him back, feeling quite pleased I could at least handle someone. Arrows whizzed around us as Clarity and Rarity continued their arrow duel.

I had to do something; we were outnumbered, many of our people were on the run or getting clobbered. Though seeing Applejack lasso her evil twin and throw her at Rocky did cheer me up a little.

"Boys! Get her!" Apple Blossom shouted and now a squad of ten Bulldogs ran in. Oh bloody hell! They all rushed at Applejack and started chasing her, while Apple Blossom looked satisfied.

I had an idea. It was dangerous. "Rarity, you could manipulate a lot of levers and switches at the same time, right?" I asked her.

Twilight had washed herself off and was now chasing Dawn Gleaming angrily, hurling lightning at her, but now she got a faceful of flour again, leading to her getting zapped.

DAMMIT.

"If I wasn't being shot at," she said.

"I will guard; you need to hit every button, flip every switch on the controls. It doesn't matter how, we just need a source of chaos," I told her.

"I can't let you do that!" Spikey said, rushing at me.

Rarity nodded, parrying another shot; they were firing each other's arrows at each other now, an intricate, beautiful dance of arrows. I would have enjoyed watching it if I hadn't been fighting so hard.

A bulldog now flew overhead, thanks to Applejack. Even better. I reached out and PUSHED with magic, dropping him on Clarity, whose arrows fell as she fell. "Thanks, Applejack!" I shouted. Unfortunately, this got me knocked down by Spikey, who then kicked me in the groin. OWWW!!!!

Rarity reached out with her power and hit every kind of control she could. Keraptis began laughing and we could see the walls moving and pits opening in the floor and rooms realigning and rebuilding. The ceiling now opened, there was a flash of light, and a half-dozen... no, just five... fillies fell on me.

OWWW!!!

Rarity said, "Sweetie Belle, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

"Thanks for breaking our fall, mister!," the yellow and red filly said to me; she, like all the others, wore a maroon cloak with a golden lining. Three of them (including her) had a blue shield on it with a pony rampant. The other two (a purple and blond unicorn and a grey and red (curly) earth pony) had a white shield with a blue ice cube on it.

"You're welcome," I mumbled as the rest hopped off me. The third one with a rampant pony cloak was an orange pegasus with a purple mane.

"Holy cow, it's a human!" the pegasus said. "Two! THREE! FOUR!"

"And look, two of Spike!" the red-maned yellow filly said.

This must be the Cutie Mark Crusaders, but what are they doing HERE?

BAD BAD BAD BAD.

"Sweetie Belle!" Clarity said, getting up. "This place is dangerous!"

"I... I am seeing double!" Sweetie Belle said, panicked

"And me," the curly haired redhead said, looking around frantically. "My glasses aren't helping!"

"We're all seeing double!," the blonde unicorn said. "All the adults have split in two!"

Keraptis maniacal laughter didn't help. Neither did having a half dozen trolls drop into the room out of another ceiling panel. Madam LeFlour turned and dumped flour on them, blinding them, but now we had blinded trolls roaming around, trying to claw anything they could hear. Fortunately, this meant two of them started trying to eat each other.

Another troll rushed at Pinkie; Mr. Turnip began firing cabbages at him, and he began eating them. "I am going to run out! Think of something!" he said frantically to Pinkie.

Pinkie pulled out a hideous twisted monstrosity of a cupcake; worms were crawling around in it, it smelled like vomit and it was grey and puke green. "Distract him," she said to Pinkamena as she balanced it on one hoof.

Pinkamena drew herself up, mimicking a troll, then began roaring at him and shaking her butt.

...

He stopped and began doing the same thing.

...

As they did this, Pinkie crept up and shoved the cupcake of doom in his mouth. He turned purple, fell over and began vomiting, then she, Pinkamena, and Mr. Turnip fled his presence. "Great job, sister!" Pinkie said as they ran.

"I am not your sister!" Pinkamena protested, while Mr. Turnip laughed. "And if I was, I'd be the ELDER sister!"

Spikey clutched his head. "Kids, what are you doing here?"

"Hey, you're a BABY," the yellow and red foal said irritably. "Don't call me a kid! I'm a BIG pony!"

If Applejack hadn't been so nimble, the dogs would have pulled her down by now, but as it stood, she was barely keeping free. "Apple Bloom, you are in all the trouble in the WORLD!"

"Princess Luna sent us to rescue you!" Apple Bloom said. "And get our cutie marks!"

Unless she's crazy or they are more badass than they look... no, they got conned by something or someone.

"Can any of you make a distraction?" I asked.

"Young lady, what are you doing?" Clarity asked Sweetie Belle.

"Sweetie, you were supposed to stay home!" Rarity said.

Sweetie swung back and forth like she was mounted on a pivot and was clearly overwhelmed by events.

A ceiling panel opened up, sucking up Soarin' and Cruisin' and Rocky; you could hear chaos in progress as they got sucked out of sight.

Distantly, I heard Rainbow Dash shout something about raisins.

I don't know either.

A Troll now rushed towards us and the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

SHIT.

Lightning crackled from a painting at Ivan and Niccolo, but they both dodged and Keraptis kept laughing, clearly pleased by the utter anarchy.

I am starting to think my idea was not the best one I have ever had.

Rainbow Dash now came zooming into sight. "Hah! I lost her! Hey, get off Spitfire!" ZOOM. WHAM. Rainbow Crash and Dash tumbled, locked in combat, and Spitfire exploited the surprise to knock Fire Swallow into a Troll. Who she promptly set on fire and he fled screaming, dropped into a pit trap, which flung him into the ceiling; he fell down in the pit, bounced up and continued bouncing, while on fire.

"If any of you fillies can make flame, BURN THE TROLL," I said and stepped up to fight it.

Good news, my sword took its left arm off.

Bad news one, the arm began crawling towards Apple Bloom.

Bad news two, it cut me on the chest despite my armor. OWW. Fortunately, it wasn't deep but I screamed like a child being beaten.

Low pain threshold is me.

"I can make bubbles and mist!" the purple and blond unicorn filly said. Mist now shrouded the entire hall, hiding most of the chaos from us. I don't know if this was good or bad.

The curly haired redhead threw licorice whips at the troll; it stupidly bent over to grab them and I turned my sword to an axe and took its head off. OH YEAH.

Mind you, troll, this meant the head began rolling around trying to find its body.

Rarity shot the crawling arm, then fired the arm off across the room into the mist.

Clarity said, "Spikey, BURN IT."

He set the Troll on fire and I hacked it up while trying to tell my chest to not bleed too much. Then Apple Bloom pulled out a bottle and hurled it at it; it went up in more flames. "Lantern oil! HAH!"

The troll collapsed, burning; we could still hear, but not see, the chaos still going on.

"Marcus, hold on," Rarity said and very quickly bandaged my wound, while Clarity and Spikey moved to defend the fillies.

"My dear sister," Clarity said to Sweetie Belle, "Stay behind me, I will protect you."

Damn, they... I remembered Apple Blossom. They must have some memories and bonds.

Probably more like neutral twins, then.

A thought hit me. "You two have Cutie Marks already?" I said to the blond unicorn and the curly redhead. That's why they have polar expedition patches instead.

"Yes," the curly redhead said. "I'm Twist and this is Dinky Doo. I'm an expert candymaker and Dinky is the mistress of fog and mist magic!"

They brought an expert candymaker to try to rescue the Elements of Harmony from something.

Filly logic all over.

Children... just a little crazy. In every species.

"Clarity, is there somewhere safe we can take the children?"

"My quarters WERE safe," she said. "But now everything's going berserk." She frowned.

"I could go check," Spikey said.

"Please," she said and he ran into the mist.

Fluttershy now ran up to us. She was breathing hard. "She's so relentless," she said. "S... Scootaloo? Sweetie? What are you all doing here?"

"They came to rescue us," I said deadpan.

Fluttershy blinked in surprise, then took a licorice stick from Twist and began munching on it.

Distantly, I heard Dragonfly cackling maniacally and shouting about lightning, then thunder boomed.

"MY CABBAGES!" Mr. Turnip shouted somewhere.

"Who are you, Mr. Human?" Sweetie asked me.

"My name is Samus Marcus, and I am a diplomatic envoy for your Princess Celestia, among other things," I told her, smiling.

"Marcus is a unicorn human. We are close friends," Rarity said to Sweetie warmly.

Sweetie Belle blinked and looked at my clearly hornless forehead. "Do you have a cutie mark?" Sweetie Belle asked.

I knelt down by her, then ruffled her hair with my magic. Her eyes widened. "Humans usually don't have cutie marks. We spend our whole lives searching for our special purpose and some of us never find it before we die."

She looked stunned, then started crying and I felt horrible for making her cry. "I'm sorry," she said.

"It's not your fault," I told her, then stood back up.

Fluttershy was busy fussing over the other kids and trying to help keep them from wandering off into the mist and into the chaos around us.

Rainbow Dash flew by over us, Rainbow Crash by her side; only the goatee on Rainbow Crash let you tell the difference.

"Hi, Dash!" Scootaloo shouted, but Dash just kept going and vanished into the mist again.

And Keraptis KEPT ON LAUGHING.

"Don't cry, little sister," Clarity said kindly to Sweetie Belle.

"Why are there two of you? And why do you have a goatee?" Sweetie Belle asked, confused.

"Twilight put a spell on me," Clarity said, clearly irritated. "And someone made these clones of myself and the rest of our group."

"Made clones of US," Rarity said firmly.

I was starting to worry something picked off Spikey.

Now Sammy lunged out of the fog. "I have you... oh, it's you, my evil twin." He stroked his goatee, clearly pleased by it.

I will note the real sign of his evil, though was that he had NO HAT AT ALL.

"Kids," I said urgently as he got ready to charge me.

"Oh, hi, kids, how's the crusade for cutie marks coming?" he asked them cheerfully.

"Does everyone who comes here get an evil twin?" Scootaloo said hopefully.

"He's the one who made the evil twins," Sammy said, pointing at me.

"We still don't have our cutie marks and we had to postpone our polar expedition to come rescue people but now everyone wants us to just SIT HERE," Apple Bloom said.

Clarity grabbed Dinky, who was about to wander into the mists, and pushed her back gently into the child mob.

"It's extremely dangerous," I told her. "It's our first priority to keep you safe."

"No battle to the death, then," Sammy said.

"Later, when kids aren't in danger," I told him, hoping he'd go for that.

"Damn, I had a big speech and everything," he said. "Well, I expect Dawn Gleaming needs me right now."

Dammit, I can't let him reinforce the attack on Twilight but I have to protect these kids in case any more...

"ROAR!"

"Was that a lion?" I asked.

"I think so," he said, frowning.

Distantly, we heard lightning crackle and then a lot of howling about tentacles.

...

"So why aren't you dating Twilight?" he asked me. "We've been together several years."

...

"We just met a few days ago," I told him.

"Well, true, you just came into existence recently," he said.

Sweetie Belle was looking more and more confused.

"You just came into existence," I said firmly. Or had he? For all I know, they have all been around, but why is he Samus Marcus now if that's the case? I wish I could find out the history he thinks he has.

Fluttershy said, "Sammy, you are the clone. I can tell, as a druid."

Sammy frowned at that. "My druid says otherwise."

"ROAR!"

"But I had best go protect Dawn Gleaming." Sammy then cast a spell and FLEW off into the mists.

...

I guess he's picked up more wizardry from Dawn Gleaming.

Dammit.

"C'mon, we can help!" Apple Bloom said urgently.

"Clarity, can you contact Spikey? I think something's happened to him."

She frowned deeply. "I will be quite wroth with anyone who hurts my cuddly little Spikey." She began concentrating with her horn, which glowed.

Rarity was gently nuzzling Sweetie Belle, who finally calmed down.

"Face me you coward!" Dragonshy shouted out in the mists. "I can't blast you if you hide in the fog!"

All five Cutie Mark Crusaders stared, then looked at Fluttershy.

"I'm sorry," Fluttershy said to their hooves.

The floor suddenly began to move, a crack opening with Fluttershy, Clarity, Dinky, Scootaloo on one side, and myself, Rarity, Apple Bloom, Twist, and Sweetie Belle on the other. I could hear grinding noises and saw the ceiling moving and something coming down.

"Everyone regroup!" I shouted and we all got on one side as a platform rose up with two vaguely humanoid figures; they were made of black rock, obsidian, I think, glowing from the inside at times, eyes shining red. Rockfire Dreadnoughts. I hate Elementals.

Dinky hid behind Clarity, while Scootaloo stood defiant, rearing up. "Bring it!" she shouted.

Crazy pony.

Apple Bloom stood next to me. "Cutie Mark Crusader Elemental Tamers, STRIKE!" She reared up defiantly.

Twist looked rather more nervous but stood her ground, legs shaking.

Sweetie Belle started to hide behind Rarity, then saw her friends and stood by them. SWEETIE BELLE, YOU FOOL! "We're ready!"

One of them lunged at Scootaloo, but Fluttershy suddenly reared up, eyes widening. "No! You won't hurt these children! Bad elemental, BAD!"

It stumbled back, confused and she advanced on it, berating it for scaring the children.

The other one, though, now rushed at me, only to get shot by Rarity and Clarity in the eyes. It howled and I stabbed it; it bled magma, though the magma on my blade burned away. Oh yeah, magic artifact sword is the best sword.

Apple Bloom ran around behind it and headbutted it in the back of the knee. Sweetie Belle did the same.

"No, stay behind us!" I shouted, but now it fell backwards.

ON THEM.

"OWW!!!"

I quickly attacked it as they got loose.

"Get behind us!" Rarity said urgently to them.

Dinky concentrated and a stream of bubbles hit where my foe was 'bleeding' and now ice spread through the hardening magma into it and it howled. Dinky now curled up in a ball behind Clarity and tried to hide. "If I can't see them, they can't see me!" Dinky announced.

I wish.

SO MUCH.

I struck the frozen spot and it shattered and now it was howling and I pressed my advantage, while Fluttershy now forced the Elemental to back into the mists, blubbering before her wrath.

That must be 'the Stare'.

My foe cupped some of its magma and got ready to throw it at the ponies; I managed to parry most of it but got some on me. OWW!! I stumbled, yelping. DAMMIT.

It got shot again, but got ready to attack me again. Sweetie now threw a roll of cloth in its face and as it stumbled, I stabbed it and it fell apart into rocks.

I'm going to need a new leather jacket. "Oww, oww, oww, oww!"

Spikey came up. "The bedrooms have reconfigured into some sort of elaborate puzzle where you have to move rings between towers."

"But I had a lot of things in there!" Clarity said frantically.

"Marcus!" Rarity said, and then took my jacket off and started bandaging me. "Sweetie, get the burn cream. Apple Bloom, get him a drink. Dinky, can you make an ice pack? Twist, get him some candy. Scootaloo, keep watch but do NOT go very far."

They all sprang into action and I was soon topless and being treated, trying not to cry and whimper in front of the fillies. Those burns did not look nice AT ALL.

By the time Fluttershy returned, they had me bandaged up. We have to get these kids somewhere safe so we can help our friends. Dammit.

At least I have licorice.

Tasty.

"I think at this point, we'd best try and get things under control, assuming we can even find the controls in this anarchy," Rarity said.

"That sounds reasonable, since we have no haven to retreat to," Clarity said, frowning.

We began to slowly... advance? Retreat? Move, anyway, with Scootaloo keeping watch.

"This is the best trip ever," Scootaloo said excitedly.

Because you are INSANE.

"You said Princess Luna sent you?" Rarity said, frowning.

"We all dreamed she came to us and since we all dreamed the same, it had to be true," Dinky said.

I buried my face in my hands for a few seconds. Then I wondered WHO and WHY. Marjorie? I could see her luring them in.

"There you all... MY FACE!" Marjorie shouted distantly and I laughed softly.

"Marcus," Rarity said. "Spikey and I will guard, you and Clarity can support me."

"I'm not that hurt," I said. "And you're a better archer than you are a melee fighter."

"Yes, but I don't want to see you get hurt like that again," she said urgently.

"I'll be fine," I said.

She licked her lips nervously, then nodded. "If you're sure."

I'm more likely to come back from the dead for no reason than you are, but saying that will worry her more.

"Who is taking care of our pets?" Rarity asked Sweetie sternly.

"They're all here in my saddlebag!" Sweetie said. "Playing together nicely!"

A dog, a cat, an alligator, and a bunny.

I'm sure that is going well.

A bunny now stuck his head out of Sweetie's saddle bag and made bunny noises. Fluttershy nuzzled him. "Have you been a good boy?"

Bunny noises.

"You've been chosen king of the saddlebag? That's nice."

....

"I'm going to need you all to help, so come out," Fluttershy said.

"Is that wise?" I said.

Fluttershy nodded and now the four animals clambered out. The alligator was... smaller than I expected. The dog was nearly the size of the fillies. It now began herding them, keeping them from wandering off. The cat was a white Alphatian, right down to being dressed up a little; she licked her paws. Angel Bunny, the rabbit, was a little white rabbit with a stern expression.

Fluttershy now began singing and they began GROWING.

...

Soon, they were the size of adult ponies and glowed a soft gold and pink. "Guard the fillies," Fluttershy said and Angel Bunny nodded and made animal noises at them. The alligator, now the size of a real one, promptly ran off into the fog, but the rest helped us herd the kids. Fluttershy also introduced them all to me.

Keraptis, by the way... STILL LAUGHING.

"My sword! I sense it!" Marjorie shouted.

I looked down and saw that at some point I had transformed it to falchion mode. I quickly turned it back into a gladius.

"NO!!!!!"

Hehe.

"Magic sword?" Twist asked me.

"Yes," I told her.

"No, Gummy, don't eat Mr. Turnip's cabbages!" Pinkie shouted distantly.

"MY CABBAGES!"

"I know they make you big and strong, but he needs them to support his family and his dog!" Pinkie shouted urgently.

"Do you have a boutique?" Rarity asked Clarity curiously as we tried to find where the controls had run off to.

"Darling, I have a line of twelve boutiques, including branches in Dream Valley, Darokin City, and Shireton," she said. "Running them all from Canterlot isn't easy, but it keeps Spikey and I busy and of course, he can communicate with any of my managers with just one cute firey breath."

She began buffing some of his scales with a cloth, which caused Spikey to make happy noises. "I'll get this soot off you," she told him.

"Thanks, dear."

"Stupid fog, Dinky, you're stopping me seeing Rainbow Dash being cool," Scootaloo grumbled.

"But it hides us from our enemies and from the Oards," Dinky said urgently.

"Oards are a myth," Rarity said wearily. "How do you have time to design things for all your customers with twelve boutiques?"

What is an Oard? Beyond something Rarity is clearly tired of hearing about.

"Oh, darling, that's only for the small circle of platinum circle customers," Clarity said. "Who can afford my personal services. I spend some time on them, some on managing and the rest on periodic updates of my four seasonal lines. Gold circle get to have adjustments made on their off-the-rack and get one outfit a year personally designed for them. Silver circle get discounts."

"And copper?" I asked.

"They are allowed to browse without someone watching to make sure they don't steal anything," Clarity said.

...

"You would not believe how many parasprites there are in Pony society, darling," Clarity said, hoof to her face and striking a pose of anguish. "Some ponies do all the work and the rest just feed on their labors without wanting to work themselves. Outrageous."

"They're just so greedy and selfish," Spikey said, frowning.

"Exactly," Clarity said.

"That sounds like something from Atlas Hugged or the Fountainhoof," Rarity said, frowning.

Works I am not familiar with.

"But of course, marvelous books, changed my life for the better when I was a young filly. Everyone should read them," Clarity said.

"They're MEAN," Fluttershy said condemningly. "Mean, mean, mean."

Twist sang, o/~ mean, mean, mean o/~

Pretty soon, all the fillies were singing that and Clarity looked first embarrassed, then annoyed. "It is not mean, merely realistic. A pony must EARN what she gets. That's why I work so hard instead of relying on others to just give me what I need. And I expect the same of them. Of course, you have to reward hard work. My Spikey works very hard and I reward him with my love and vice versa." She smiled goofily and he hugged her.

"Love isn't a reward for work," I said. "It's a burning passion inside you for someone, the willingness to give up anything for them if you have to, in order to help and protect them. The need to be with them, the need to help them, to be part of their life and you part of theirs. Love is giving without asking in return." I was getting heated up. "Even if they don't love you back. Though of course, it's better if they do."

"That just gets you taken advantage of," Clarity said, then held up a hoof and pointed.

Pit trap! Rarity and I began disarming it while Clarity and Spikey stood guard. Apple Bloom watched the two of us intently. "Can I help?" she asked.

"Stand here," I told her; she put her weight at a key point, keeping the trap shut while we disarmed its trigger.

"You have to risk that in love," Rarity said. "And love can die, will die eventually if it is one way. But you can only find love by risking getting hurt, by giving without asking, in the hope the other will give without you asking as well. It's anticipating what your loved one needs, so you can act as one without need to plan your cooperation." I pried open a floor segment and she reached in and worked the mechanisms with some guidance from me, feeling it out and then sliding in the safety pins.

"Exactly. Love, like trust, is a leap in the dark to an unknown shore," I said. "But if you don't make that jump, you'll always be alone."

"People often fail you," Clarity said softly.

"I know," Rarity said, sighing. "And it's hard to keep trying, but you have to persevere to become good at what you do, right?"

There was a click. The trap was disarmed and we could advance.

"I agree completely," Clarity said.

"That's how I got Clarity's love; I kept trying and never gave up," Spikey said, smiling.

Rarity paused. "Ahah!" She began concentrating and her horn glowed. "It works, and I wish I had thought of this sooner."

Clarity studied her. "How is gem detection going to help us now?"

"Detecting the direction the controls are in," Rarity said. "They include gemstones."

A swarm of stirges flew at us and then vanished in Spikey's flames. Heh.

We reached the controls just in time for the mist to suddenly vanish in a wave of power. Worse, Marjorie was coming our way.

Shit.

**************

The whole place had turned into a chaotic mass of traps, monsters, and people fighting each other. Rainbow Dash and Crash were flying around overhead, duking it out, while Rocky chased them, trying to catch up. Cruisin' and Fire Swallow were dueling with Soarin' and Spitfire as well, dodging flaming hoops which kept shooting at them all.

The alligator, Pinkie, Pinkamena, Mr. Turnip, and Madame LeFlour were making a stand around Mr. Turnip's cart against a swarm of angry giant crabs. The alligator had clamped onto the claw of one of them and was being waved around, while Pinkie shouted frantically.

Niccolo and Ivan were still dueling through a mess of traps: blade traps, dart traps, pit traps, falling block traps.

Dawn Gleaming and Twilight had both been caught by a mass of black tentacles; I recognized that spell; Spike and Sammy were trying to cut them free but now they got grabbed as well. "Dammit, that spell is dangerous!" Dawn Gleaming said. "You should have been shooting acid arrows at me!"

"I haven't learned that one," Twilight said, embarrassed.

"And this spell is so stupidly strong we're gonna be stuck until it finishes!" Dawn Gleaming said. "How are Sammy and I going to finish our new paper if we're stuck here forever?"

"We can at least discuss the problem of dating Nob Nar," Sammy pointed out.

Oh god, Nob Nar date debates. You fool, don't go there, you'll never escape the argument!

Nob Nar was one of the Halfling High Heroes, their patron immortals. He fell in love with a human woman from Halag, but the Baron of Halag wanted the woman, heroism, love, tragedy, blah blah, you know the drill. Nob Nar clearly existed, but it's hard to tell which stories are true and when he was alive, as some later tale-teller seems to have added aspects of other heroes' tales to his.

Anyway, I could go on about this until we die, but I need to FOCUS.

Or death will come soon.

Applejack and Apple Blossom were circling each other, but their fight kept getting interrupted by monsters attacking them. Then Apple Blossom saw Apple Bloom; her eyes widened and she began charging our way with Applejack chasing her.

"There you are!" Dragonfly shouted and charged towards us.

And then there was Marjorie, who was coming our way. She looked utterly enraged. "Dragonfly, blast them all!"

"But... there are fillies there," Dragonfly said hesitantly. "They've been foolish but not that foolish." Then she saw our giant animals and she blinked.

"That bastard has my sword," Marjorie said. "It was stolen from me and I will HAVE it."

Fluttershy began another song, adding another layer of glow to her animal friends.

The fillies stared at Marjorie. "She's like Princess Celestia," Twist said.

"If Princess Celestia was a thieving, arrogant bastard," I said. "This sword is mine, earned with my own blood," I told Marjorie. Very softly, I said to the fillies, "Run to the controls and reverse them all if this turns into a fight."

Apple Bloom nodded and Scootaloo now pulled a scooter out of her saddlebags.

...

"Then you ARE him," she hissed. "I don't know how you have eluded me all these years."

"Hello, Marquetta," I said. "I'll confess I don't know either. But if you really want this, give us back the treasure stolen from Vermicoritax and I'll give you the sword." I love this sword but if it can get us out of this mess, I'll give it up. Also, knowing a grand wyrm is hunting me for it means it paints a target on me too.

Clarity clutched at her jewelry. I don't know what she's going to do about that.

A giant snake fell onto Marjorie; she flung it across the room, horn glowing, and it landed on Keraptis and began crushing him as he howled. Oww.

"Boss, no, don't do that!" Pinkamena shouted. "He'll mutate it somehow!"

Marjorie quickly pulled it off him and Keraptis cursed.

"Pinkamena, you are a good and faithful servant," Marjorie said. She flapped her wings and the crabs were blown away from the group rallying around the wagon. This also sent the alligator tumbling.

"GUMMY!" Pinkie shouted, running after the alligator.

...

Pinkamena smiled a goofy smile for a few seconds before reverting to usual.

"You are the thief," Marjorie said. "Hand him over to me or you all will die."

"No, not the children," Clarity begged.

"They're innocent of any theft," Dragonfly said. "Let me kill the thief for you!"

"You want a piece of me, you fake Princess? BRING IT," Scootaloo said, making a come hither for a beating gesture with one hoof.

"I will NOT let you kill him," Rarity said angrily, then looked at the fillies and grimaced.

I know, I know.

"Let's not be hasty," Clarity said. "My sister is in the line of fire!" she said urgently.

Marjorie flapped her wings and the fillies tumbled away from us, over to the controls. "Clarity, Spikey, back up. Now you have a clear shot, Dragonfly."

"With pleasure! Especially against..."

Winona, now the size of a pony, pounced on Dragonfly, snatched her staff and ran towards Applejack, who was running towards us.

Opalescence now flashed her claws at Marjorie, clearly trying to scare her. Angel Bunny ran up and pulled Dragonfly's hood down over her face.

Clarity and Spikey now ran over to the fillies to check on them, even as Marjorie brushed Opalescence aside, even enlarged; she tumbled across the floor as Pegasi dueled above her.

Marjorie rose up over Rarity, Fluttershy, and I. "Flee, ponies, or die with the THIEF."

"No," Rarity said, arrows hovering by her head. "Back off now," she ordered.

"I won't let you hurt him or Rarity," Fluttershy said firmly, standing by my side. "You shouldn't be so mean."

I felt the urge to cry for a moment. I am not used to having people standing up for me, though Ivan and Helga always did. Also, I was scared shitless. Once again, I stood bravely because I could not muster the energy to actually RUN.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders began flipping switches and jamming buttons and now everything began changing more. Clarity said, "Don't just randomly hit buttons!"

A giant duck now leaped down and swallowed up Rainbow Dash and Rainbow Crash and ran off with them.

...

"Okay, maybe not THAT button," Apple Bloom said thoughtfully.

"Then, you all will..."

The floor opened under Marjorie and she dropped out of sight. "YES!" Scootaloo said, then pulled the lever back and it closed up. "I WIN!" She quickly checked her flank.

No cutie mark yet.

I stared. It couldn't be that easy.

We were all thrown back even as I saw Applejack and Winona playing keep-away with Dragonfly's staff as Apple Blossom tried to help her fellow Element of Power to recover it.

The ground began to shake.

"Rarity, you have to free Keraptis," I told her. "Before Marjorie breaks back out."

"But you..."

"We need reinforcements," I told her. "If he is in command, hopefully we can drive off Marjorie."

She closed her eyes, then nuzzled me quickly. "Fluttershy, protect him."

"Of course," she said, rallying Opalescence and Angel Bunny to our side.

Then Rarity galloped off and I prayed she could get him free before Fluttershy and I die horribly.

While we got ready to die, I looked up and saw Spitfire and Fire Swallow still sparring, so I yanked Fire Swallow's tail as much as I could with magic. Spitfire scored a hit, knocking Fire Swallow down into the middle of the crabs. I gave her a thumbs up.

Then Marjorie exploded up out of the pit trap, and then she hurled chunks of floor at the tentacles holding Sammy and Dawn Gleaming and pulled them over to her, even as the Cutie Mark Crusaders ran rampant on the controls while Spikey and Clarity futilely tried to stop them.

Sammy stroked his goatee again, smiling. I touched my hat. "Hello, evil twin," I said to him.

"You're the evil twin," he said. "Or you'd be with Twilight."

Uuuurgh. "Twilight has someone else on her mind," I told him, and he grinned at me. Dammit, he knows. DO NOT SAY IT. "Anyway, we're not here to talk romance," I said. "Marjorie, I don't even remember for sure why I wanted this sword, but it's mine now and even though I could give it up, I'm not going to let you kill me. You already slaughtered all my friends," I continued. "I'm not letting you do that again, Marquetta."

Spikey paused. "Wait, she's not Marquetta, she's Princess Marjorie." But he sounded unsure.

"I am not Marquetta," Marjorie said.

"Liar! You are Marquetta," Applejack said, her Element glowing. "I am the Element of Honesty! Now, tell the TRUTH!"

She planted her hooves and stared intently, even as Winona ran around trying to dodge Dragonfly and Apple Blossom.

Marjorie made gurgling noises and then simply spat lightning at Applejack, knocking her back into the tentacles, which tried to grab her; she began beating them around.

"FREEZE RAY!" Dinky shouted and now a wand came out of the ceiling and froze Marjorie in a block of ice, but she shattered it.

Marjorie now rose up over us and...

Twilight set her tail on fire. "I won't let you hurt them!" she shouted.

Winona now dodged everything and brought Dragonfly's staff to Fluttershy, who hooked a leg around it, then parried Marjorie's lightning when she spat it at us. "I am a druid," she said. "Do not abuse nature's power," she said urgently.

Apple Bloom said, "Hey..." She suddenly began fiddling with the controls and part of the room now began turning itself into a living room. "I think I'm getting the hang of this," she said excitedly.

Marjorie flapped her wings and put her tail out and now looked even angrier. "All of you will pay for this indignity!"

"If you think that's indignity," Pinkie said, "You haven't seen anything YET."

She popped up and hit herself in the face with a pie. "See, THAT is indignity!"

Marjorie stared at her in frank disbelief.

"And here's double indignity!" Now she hit Pinkamena in the face with a pie.

"Hey!"

"TRIPLE!" Madam LeFlour now was pie'd.

"Tasty punishment!" Twist shouted, running over and 'whipping' Pinkie with a licorice whip.

"Whip it good!" Pinkie shouted.

Pinkamena stared at Pinkie. "How can you stand to be so ridiculous?"

"Because it makes people laugh," Pinkie said. "Dignity is overrated."

"I am NOT laughing," Marjorie said angrily.

"Try it, it's fun!" Pinkie said to Pinkamena, handing her a pie.

Pinkamena hit Pinkie in the face with it and everyone except Marjorie began laughing. Pinkie laughed the loudest of all. "Well done!" Pinkie said to her.

Pinkamena stared at everyone looking at Pinkie. She seemed baffled. Even Opalescence was laughing a kitty laugh.

Apple Bloom now hit a button and a blade trap swung down and cut Applejack free. "YES!"

"Show me!" Scootaloo said. Fillies crowded around the cackling Apple Bloom.

"Come on, laugh, you can do it," Pinkie said to Pinkamena.

Pinkamena made an odd, dry noise.

Fluttershy laughed, a quiet little titter. "Like this!"

Pinkamena laughed weakly and Pinkie applauded; Pinkamena now looked embarrassed. "It wasn't very good," she said weakly.

"It's a good start. Now for my next trick..." Pinkie began.

"DIE!" Princess Marjorie shouted and now she spat fire at us. I grabbed Fluttershy and jumped, and then Fluttershy frowned at Marjorie.

"I was trying to help Pinkamena," Fluttershy said. "That wasn't very nice at all."

"I am not here for nice but for revenge! On Celestia and on HIM," Marjorie said. "Now DIE." She spoke a horrible syllable and I felt my body start to shut down, but Fluttershy began to sing and my body rallied; the air hung with power but Fluttershy's Element glowed. Slowly, though, she was losing ground.

"No!" Twilight shouted and power exploded out of her, shredding the tentacles. "I've tried to be nice but I won't let my friends get hurt!" She unleashed a barrage of glowing arrows, a veritable storm of magic missiles. Dawn Gleaming shot many of them out of the air with her own barrage but enough got through to hit Marjorie somewhat, making her howl in anger.

"Wrecking BALL," Apple Bloom said cheerfully and a huge ball on a chain swung down and hit Marjorie, tossing her across the room.

"Pinkamena, which side are we on?" Madame LeFlour asked Pinkamena urgently.

"I... don't know," she mumbled, studying everything and looking worried.

"I'm on your side," Mr. Turnip said firmly to her and she smiled a little. "I'll always be your friend."

Pinkamena looked embarrassed by that. "Your wagon is wrecked," she said sadly.

"I can get a new one but I can't get a new you."

Pinkamena began to cry with Pinkie comforting her.

Marjorie flapped her wings and Twilight went tumbling, then she tried turning back to us, with Opalescence and Winona and Angel Bunny all growling at her. I did my best to move to protect Fluttershy as best I could.

Then Keraptis shouted, "I AM FREE!"

I could see Ivan standing by him, while Rarity chased Niccolo around with arrows. GO RARITY AND IVAN!

"Apple Bloom, hit the green and red buttons together!" Keraptis shouted.

WHAM she hit those buttons like the wrath of an angry immortal.

A force cage sprung up around Marjorie.

"Take your people and go," he said, striding up to her. "You've given me a good show but I will not be used as a pawn in your games any longer, Marquetta. And if you try again, I will call the Council of Intrusion and see what they think."

...

"You wouldn't dare," Marjorie hissed.

"I am THE TRAP MASTER!" Apple Bloom said, then quickly checked her flank. Still no Cutie Mark. She cursed.

"Do you really want to find out? You are pushing things, 'Marquetta'," Keraptis said angrily.

"Celestia has been 'pushing things' for centuries, and who are you to judge, MORTAL?" Marjorie hissed at Keraptis.

"I'm the mortal whose home you invaded and whose machines you perverted! I have to say, though, I'm impressed by the results." He studied the Elements of Power. "But the best creations are those that take on a life of their own beyond what you intended. Now, go or I will make you regret staying."

"Fine, but this is not the end. Tell Celestia, she will regret this. And you, 'Samus Marcus', you will die your final death soon and I will have my sword BACK. There is no one who can protect you from me, Marcus. Your luck cannot protect you forever. I know you now and I will find you. Enjoy your final days, for soon, they will END!"

And then she vanished with the Elements of Power, though I noticed Clarity's jewelry was left behind.

"What a good girl you are," Keraptis said to Apple Bloom. He produced a silver necklace which showed an Earth Pony rampant, hanging it around her neck. "You'll be a great trap maker one day, I think."

"Thank you!" she said, then checked her flank. No Cutie Mark yet. "AAAAHHH!!!"

He now worked the controls to turn off the chaos. "I'll secure the remaining treasure for you. You had best go see Celestia; I expect Marquetta will try something."

"Her name isn't really Marquetta either," I said, frowning. "She talked like she was an Immortal, though maybe she was just arrogant."

"I leave that as an exercise for Twilight's powerful brain," Keraptis said. "I can see why Celestia favors her." He sounded like he was talking about an old girlfriend's daughter.

Surely not.

"Sir, I will probably regret asking, but do you know what I am?" I said. If he says 'Erik', I die, but if he knows...

"Isn't it obvious?" he said.

"You were a candidate for immortality on the Path of the Polymath," Ivan said, coming over. "I don't know what went wrong, but I think everyone getting killed by Marquetta caused you to fail but for some reason you keep coming back now."

"That fits what I know," Keraptis said. "I'm sure Celestia can tell you more if you want to know."

I don't know if I want to know. "Was I abandoned by my patron?"

"Well, you... oh hoh," he said. "You definitely should see Celestia," he said after studying me.

"... Why?" I asked weakly.

"Her mark's on you. Interesting."

...

"She gave him a Cutie Mark?" Scootaloo asked jealously.

"There's a kind of tag on your soul which says 'MINE' in Celestia's handwriting," he said. He finished operating the controls and the control room was all cleaned up now, monsters and traps gone.

How did...

Then I remembered my cry in the dream. 'CELESTIA! HELP!!!!! I'll do anything! Don't let me get eaten!!!!'

Ahahahah.

Rarity now came up by my side; I put a hand on her back and smiled nervously.

"I will make a tunnel back to the balloon," Keraptis said. "It will be crowded, but you can head to take Vermicoritax his treasure. Apple Bloom, when you are old enough to live on your own, if you would like to come study with me, I think you have talent."

"COOL," she said. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle looked dubious.

Applejack looked dubious.

I can't blame her.

"We're going to go see a dragon? Cool!," Dinky said. "Can I drive again?"

"Oh, you operated it, Dinky?" Twilight said in surprise.

"Yes," Dinky said proudly. "I linked into the controls with my horn, just like you!"

"Well done, Dinky, but NEVER EVER take my balloon without asking!," Twilight said.

"Keraptis, did you somehow summon the Cutie Mark Crusaders?" Rarity asked him.

"I could not reach beyond the mountain while bound," Keraptis said. "Oh yes. My machines were used to make your evil twins. They need a patron of power in order to live beyond this mountain. If they lose Marjorie's favor, they may well evaporate unless they find another patron."

"Am I...," I began.

"You are real. You merely need a patron because many, many people want you dead," Keraptis said.

AHHAHAHAHAH.

"But Celly will take good care of you, I'm sure. As long as you like itching powder in your underwear." He laughed a little; Pinkie laughed a LOT.

"Wait," Pinkie said. "Is Marjorie patron to my old friends too?"

"Yes," Keraptis said.

Pinkie frowned, looking worried.

"I have gifts for a few of you," he said. "I wish I could reward you all but the Elements of Power and Marjorie looted most of my stock." Keraptis sighed. "Ivan, you freed me and I am grateful." He gestured and now he held a warhammer. "For you, the hammer Whelm. It will guide you to gold and silver and gems."

Rarity now studied it with interest.

"And it will help you to cast down evil humanoids," he continued."

Ivan took it; not his normal kind of weapon, but with those powers, likely quite useful.

"For Applejack..." He gestured and tiny shadows flowed from his hands along with purple sparkles into Applejack's horseshoes. "These horseshoes will never break or wear out and will let you safely kick anything, even things like lightning or fire."

"Thank you, sir," she said, smiling.

"For Twilight, two books of lore," Keraptis said. Twilight's eyes lit up. "They're an introduction to shadow magic."

"Oooh," she said, taking them.

"For the Cutie Mark Crusaders," Keraptis said. "And their friends..." He gestured and their cloaks flew off and floated over to him.

"Hey!" Scootaloo said.

Light and shadow fluttered across the cloaks. "Let these be your first steps on the road to glory," he said. He gestured and sent them back. "Now you have magical cloaks."

"AWESOME," Scootaloo said.

"For you, Fluttershy, a box of magical seeds. You need never be void of plant allies so long as these last." He whisked that over to her and she took it, smiling and thanking him.

"For you, Rainbow Dash, special goggles." He gestured and they flew onto her head. "They will protect your eyes and you will be able to see even in the darkest night."

"Sweet," she said. "Thanks, mr. Wizard!"

"For the rest of you, I'm afraid all I have left is these gems," Keraptis said apologetically. The rest of us got a bag of gems and coins. Which included ME, who needs money. So I was pretty happy. I have a magic sword, anyway.

A door opened. "Okay, there's a road to safety," Keraptis said. "I'll make sure you get all the treasure. Good luck with 'Marjorie'."

"Thank you sir," Twilight said, bowing.

"I suppose I have Asterius' mark on me," Ivan said thoughtfully.

"Oh yes, you do. Good luck with your quest."

Oh man, how are we going to get the lockpicks?

Ivan laughed nervously.

"Don't worry, we'll find a way to get you what you need, Ivan," Applejack said seriously to him.

"Man, I never got to show that idiot Crash I am the BEST," Dash grumbled.

"You are the best," I told her and she smiled brightly.

"Okay," Twilight said. "Round up the kids and let's go! We have a ton of things to do! First stop, the lair of Vermicoritax."

*****************

It took endless hours of Vermicoritax, Rarity, Applejack, and Twilight going over the hoard, item by item, to settle it all; the rest of us ran herd on the fillies to avoid trouble.

These children want to touch EVERYTHING, go EVERYWHERE, try EVERYTHING. I know human children are this hyper but they aren't as FAST.

Ivan was looking agitated. I can't blame him. We certainly can't rob Vermicoritax at this point; it would bring down retaliation on Equestria, not just us.

Finally, once the kids finally wore out and laid down by the pond which is inside Vermicoritax's underground lair (it's connected by a stream to the swamp and to underground rivers), we all could rest too. I flopped down next to Sweetie Belle and took a nap myself.

When I awoke, Applejack was standing over Ivan with something in her mouth which she dropped on him. "There you go," she said.

It was a set of platinum lockpicks, each inscribed with one of the phases of the moon. "We traded him the Cauldron of Blackflame for the lockpicks. He's the only one who isn't a halfling who has one now. He's quite proud of it."

Ivan's eyes were wide. "Thank you."

"Measure for measure," Applejack said. "You helped us out, so we helped you. So what happens next?"

"I don't know," he said, staring at them. "I guess Asterius will contact me when he's ready, as I just realized I don't know if I was supposed to take them somewhere or what. As I've been so focused on *getting* them."

Applejack laughed. "I know a few people more focused on the trip than the destination." She glanced at the Cutie Mark Crusaders, who thankfully were still asleep.

I didn't even have a destination, really. I just kind of survive. Part of me hopes Celestia knows more about what's going on with me and part is afraid she knows more.

Rarity nudged me gently. "Wake up, sleepyhead, it's time for us all to be massively overcrowded again." We'd had to have the CMC ride in Rarity's saddlebags when we ballooned here; it was just too crowded.

I sat up and now realized Sweetie Belle's head was on my legs. I patted her gently. "Wake up, little one."

"Five more minutes," she mumbled, but soon, she and her friends were up and we herded them along. The plan is to go to Ponyville, drop off the kids, rest, then go to Canterlot and see Celestia about all this.

The idea of a BATH and a NICE SOFT BED appeals to me more than you can imagine.

BED!!!

Book Four: Trust is a Leap in the Dark

Book Four: Trust is a Leap in the Dark

My(stara's) Little Ponies: Friendship is Adventuring
A D&D (Mystara) / My Little Ponies: Friendship is Magic crossover

Book 4: Trust is a Leap in the Dark

By John Biles

***************

Twilight's balloon can be piloted by anyone who can cast spells (and any unicorn); I got to take a turn piloting it, which was fun, but also tiring; we had to take turns. Dinky seems to be a bit of an airhead, but she was a very good pilot, more precise than the rest of us who could pilot it (Twilight, Rarity, myself, Fluttershy, Pinkie, Sweetie Belle). Apparently her mother is a pegasus and her father is NOT TO BE TALKED ABOUT.

But must be a unicorn.

We could see Ponyville in the distance when a gray-coated pegasus rose out of the town and came zooming towards us. She had a blonde mane and googly eyes, but she looked VERY determined. "DINKY, YOU ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE!" she shouted.

You could hear rumblings from the saddlebag the kids were in.

Man, having a billion little dimensional pockets is very handy, I have to say.

We got Dinky out and Rarity told me, "That's Dinky's mother, Ditzy Doo."

"Hi, Mom, you look great," Dinky said cheerfully, though her body was shaking.

"Young lady, you are in SO MUCH TROUBLE," Ditzy said, eyes wandering all over. It was very distracting. She turned her head to point just one eye at Dinky. "And your friends who talked you into this! I am going to give them a piece of my MIND."

"You can chew them out tomorrow," Twilight said. "It's too crowded here to take them out."

Ditzy now noticed Ivan and I. "Humans?"

"Yes, we are," I said.

"This is Samus Marcus, a unicorn human," Rarity said. "And this is Ivan, who is an earth human."

Ditzy looked really intently at me, probably noticing the lack of a horn. She looked confused.

"A pleasure to meet you," I said, shaking one of her hooves.

Ditzy soon took Dinky and flew off with her; poor kid.

You know, we need to find out what caused them to have that dream. We never did find out.

*************

Soon, we landed in the middle of Ponyville; there was a huge mob of people and I noticed Lyra among the people; she was busy playing her harp and a bunch of ponies were singing.

"Lyra is our town bard," Rarity said, following our gaze. "She provides music for all festive occasions Ponyville has some other local musicians, but she's paid by the city government. She and Pinkie generally organize local festivities."

I'm surprised she hasn't gone wandering around more like I expected. But since I can't admit I was Erik, I can't ask her about it, more's the pity.

The tune now changed to one I knew.

o/~ Another day, another city,

o/~ Another horizon beckons to me.

o/~ Though home calls to me,

o/~ I must leave it behind.

What the hell???

Rarity's eyes widened as did Twilight.

o/~ Faithful wagon, carry me far

o/~ Faithful wagon, follow that star

o/~ You haul my goods and my fortune too

o/~ For I am a Far Seller

o/~ A traveler on the sea of fate

o/~ The needs of others beckon me
o/~ And I cannot be late.

Twilight licked her lips and began to sing along as we descended.

o/~ I've got twenty miles to go by twilight's gleaming.

o/~ Those distances can be deceiving.

o/~ The wheels go round and round,

o/~ Hauling me from town to town

Ivan to my surprise now began to sing as well, and Rarity joined in.

o/~ Faithful wagon, carry me far

o/~ Faithful wagon, follow that star

o/~ You haul my goods and my fortune too

o/~ For I am a Far Seller

o/~ A traveler on the sea of fate

o/~ The needs of others beckon me

o/~ And I cannot be late.

I surrendered and joined in, and then the other ponies with us all tried to sing along as well. Lyra looked VERY happy and I noticed a yellow earth pony with a blue and pink mane who had three candies as her Cutie Mark. Must be Bon-Bon.

By the time we finished the song, we had landed and tons of ponies flooded forward to say hello to everyone. Ivan and I were greeted by the Mayor of Ponyville. "Welcome to Ponyville," she said. "Celestia told us you were coming. She wishes for you all to come to Canterlot tomorrow, along with the Cutie Mark Crusaders."

"Oh dear," Rarity said. "They don't need that much punishment."

"I'm sure she'll be gentle," the Mayor said. "Should I arrange housing for our guests?"

"Marcus can stay with Sweetie and I, and I think Ivan will be staying with Applejack," Rarity said.

"Okay," the Mayor said. We shook hand-to-hoof. "Nice to meet you, Samus Marcus. Celestia told me about your human customs, so you can be sure you'll be left alone when bathing."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

She knows, she knows, I am going to DIE.

I kept my face blank. "Thank you. I hate to be an inconvenience."

"I understand," she said kindly. "We have a feast ready! Come and dine!"

It was quite good; they had some fish for Ivan and I, which was very nice and while some of the food was not edible for humans (like hay salad), a lot of it was (the tomato salad was very nice and I like cucumbers a lot.)

Eventually, I approached Lyra because I had to know. "Interesting choice of human music," I told her. "Why that song?"

"I needed something human that wasn't a love song," Lyra said. "Nothing wrong with love songs, of course, but I wanted something that evoked travel and wasn't a love song. Also, there's some nice choral things you can do with it."

"It was a good choice," I told her. "Ivan and I knew it, though neither of us is Darokinian."

"I heard something about my old professor being at White Plume Mountain?" she said.

"You studied with Keraptis?" I said, feigning confusion.

"No, Erik of Vestland. I dunno, apparently he's wanted for a bunch of crimes, but he was a good teacher and didn't do anything wrong while he was there," she said, frowning. "Was he there?"

"We heard he was there, but Keraptis said he didn't know when Spitfire asked him about it. They tried searching the dungeon but didn't see him anywhere," I told her. Thankfully, it was a visual search.

Damn that tattoo.

The feast finally wound down and I was utterly zonked, so I was glad when it was time to go home and SLEEP.

***********

I took a bath so I would not have to sleep filthy. It was just a shower but that was fine. Rarity quickly improvised me a nice robe to sleep in; it was simple but felt wonderfully soft. I left my feet barefoot; I wanted to stretch my toes.

Shut up.

Sweetie Belle stared at my toes. "What use are those?" she asked.

"Not much any more, though they can help when you climb," I told her. "Our distant ancestors had smaller feet and bigger toes to help them climb and grip things. Once we started walking upright all the time, they got less useful and shrank. The same way our claws turned into toenails and fingernails."

She touched one of my toes hesitantly with her hoof. I wiggled them and she smiled. I then showed off my hands to her; she sniffed them and then studied them. "That must make picking things up easy," she said.

"It's what they are for," I told her.

She nodded and touched them. "It's not so hard for us Unicorns when we grow up but I know Pegasi and Earth Ponies... well, they can kind of pick things up but they have a harder time of it."

"Still learning to use your magic?" I asked.

"I haven't found my cutie mark yet," she said mournfully.

"I'm sure you will soon," I told her. "I didn't have your kind of ambition when I was little. And humans never get a cutie mark."

"But you can do magic and everything I do always goes wrong," Sweetie said mournfully. "I can't even help out my sister. And Apple Bloom figured out the controls when the rest of us couldn't."

"Those cloaks you made were very nice," I told her. "I can tell your friends love them."

She smiled a little at that.

"Here, let me show you a trick you can show off to your friends," I told her, getting my cards.

I then carefully showed her one of my simple card tricks. She can't do much with her horn yet, but she can move cards, which is enough for this. We went over it again and again, until she learned how to do it.

Finally...

She spread the cards and I picked one. The Jack of Flames. Then I put it back in and she 'shuffled'. Knowing the trick, I could see how she manipulated it to the bottom of the deck, but it should fool other fillies and the uninitiated.

Then she faked shuffling while keeping it on the bottom, then turned it up. "Is this your card?" she asked nervously.

"Yes! Perfect!"

She smiled brightly and I smiled back, ruffling her hair.

Then she rushed off to find Rarity, who was busy making the bed. "Rarity, Rarity, I'm going to show you something cool!"

She began showing off the trick to Rarity, who looked suitably impressed when it worked. I tried not to nod off against the wall, where I was sitting.

It suddenly hit me. "Where am I sleeping?" I asked. I was so tired, I couldn't even remember how many rooms Rarity's boutique had or how I had gotten into her bedroom.

"Sweetie has a room at my sister's place, but when she stays here, she just sleeps with me. I have a very big bed, so there will be plenty of space for us as long as everyone sleeps on their back." Rarity paused, suddenly nervous. "If that's okay."

"It's fine," I said. "I'm close to falling asleep right here." My head lolled and I forced it back up.

"Why do humans wear clothing all the time?" Sweetie asked me.

Here we go again. I gave her my standard spiel.

"I guess you do laundry a lot," she said thoughtfully.

"Yes," I told her. When we can. I often end up living in filth, unfortunately.

I am so clean. I feel like I could do anything.

Right now, though, the main thing is SLEEP.

Bedtime was a demonstration of the ability of Ponies to be more flexible than ponies. I'm pretty sure non-sentient ones sleep on their sides, but Ponies can comfortably sleep on their backs. Sweetie was, as Ponies usually are, naked, while Rarity donned a fancy silken pink and crimson robe. (My own was sky blue, if you care.) Sweetie slept between us; it felt oddly like being a father sleeping with his child.

Or so I would imagine, as I have no kids to my knowledge.

"I need a bedtime story," Sweetie announced, just as we settled into bed.

Rarity made 'not again' noises. "Big ponies don't need a story before bed," she said.

"It's fine, I'll tell her one," I said. "You get the glass of water."

"Glass of water?" Rarity asked. "Oh, right."

Kids always want a glass of water before bed. Or a snack. Or to pet the dog or whatever.

Okay, story time.

**************

Once upon a time, there was a young pony who wanted to buy her mother a present. But she had no money, so she had to go get a job. Mr. Wall needed his house painted, so she took the job and started working hard, but it was taking FOREVER.

Then two of the town bullies showed up and started mocking her painting and this made her mad. So she said, "I'd like to see you do a better job of it!"

They each painted a swathe of the wall, and she had to admit, "You did a better job." It was really embarrassing BUT...

It meant she'd gotten them to do some of the work for her, so she didn't mind. She knew it didn't matter what other people thought about her, she liked herself. And if she could use their illusions about her to get stupid mean people to do what she wanted, EVEN BETTER.

{Rarity now interrupted storytime.}

**********

Rarity had returned with the glass of water. "Marcus darling, you shouldn't tell Sweetie a bedtime story about conning people."

"But it's better than using violence to deal with bullies," I told Rarity as Sweetie took the water and began drinking.

"But..." Rarity paused, standing by the bed, holding the cup up with her powers for Sweetie. "Okay, that is true, but you shouldn't encourage children to trick people."

"Not everyone," I said. "But some people don't deserve better treatment." Like the kids I have heard harass Sweetie and her friends. "Sweetie has to learn when to be cunning."

Sweetie said nothing, busy slurping down water.

"Sweetie is very charming and kind," Rarity said, smiling a little. Then she sighed. "But cunning isn't her style."

"Well, for humans, anyway, you have to decide what you want and work for it. No one starts out cunning, you become cunning. It's all about discipline and focus," I said. Let's see her protest discipline and focus!

Sweetie continued drinking and Rarity said, "Well, of course discipline and focus are a good thing. Dedication to my craft got me my cutie mark and it's continued to improve me. But ponies aren't supposed to trick each other. Even if the other pony is mean."

"It's better to trick your enemies than to hit them," I said.

Sweetie was now pretending to drink and looking nervously between us.

"I wasn't saying to hit them! You just have to ignore mean things bullies say," Rarity said, frowning. "Or throw a few zingers their way. But trying to trick them into doing your work is going too far. If someone pays you to do work and you get someone else to do it for you, you're ripping off the person who paid you." Her voice was VERY firm about this.

"But he's still getting his wall painted," I told her.

"The worker is worthy of his hire," Rarity said. "The person who *does* the work ought to get paid."

"Does that mean businesses that hire out workers are ripping off someone?" I asked. "The wages get paid to the boss, who only pays the employee who did the work part of the profit."

We now got into a long discussion of business ethics which Sweetie continued to pretend to be drinking the whole time and looking uncomfortable.

It made me wonder what exactly was the point of divergence of Rarity and Clarity. There was enough similarity to make the differences more stark. The clones seem to have full sets of memories, they know their own kin and the friends of said kin... what exactly makes them different?

I think we had reached discussing bonds and investment depreciation somehow when Sweetie made a huge yawn and said, "I'm finished and sleepy."

Rarity said, "I'll be right back."

She headed out with the glass.

"I'm sorry I made you fight," Sweetie said weakly to me.

"It's okay, no matter how close you are to someone, sometimes you're going to disagree," I told Sweetie. "You make up your own mind about how to deal with the bullies. But now you've heard a couple of ways to do it."

"You're a stallion, right?" Sweetie asked, yawning.

"Yes, I am," I told her. "I guess you don't see many humans here."

"Humans either come to the ports or border forts or ride the Canterlot-Manehattan line up to Canterlot," she said groggily. "We're kind of off the beaten track, unless you want to go up to Castle Neigh. Daddy sees humans a lot, though. He's in Grand Stalls."

"Sleep," I said softly to her. "You can tell me about him in the morning."

"He's the best Daddy ever and I miss him so much," Sweetie said groggily. "But he says Grand Stalls is no place for a filly. I wish he could stay here with me."

I felt jealous; I can't even remember my father's name clearly... there's a half dozen different names and faces are jumbled and I just know there were too many kids, so I had to seek my fortune. "I bet he's telling your mother how much he misses you right this minute."

"I miss Mommy too," she said softly, then her eyes closed and she fell asleep.

I heard Rarity climbing into bed as I passed out as well.

*****************

I dreamed of Canterlot and my days there. I lived in a sort of hotel/dorm for professors. About half the teachers lived off campus but each of us who did not had a nice suite of rooms. It was some of the plushest living of my life. So nice.

I awoke to the smell of fish and fried tomatoes Mmm, good. I also was being crushed by Sweetie Belle, who had grappled me in her sleep. "Sweetie, wake up," I said.

She mumbled into my shoulder.

I tried to rise and failed. "Sweetie!"

Mumble, mumble.

Ponies really shouldn't trust strangers so much as to hug them in their sleep. But...

Opalescence came in and jumped on my face.

I made an incoherent, strangled noise and Rarity ran in. "Opalescence, get off Marcus and Sweetie!"

Opalescence ran down my chest, then jumped off.

Sweetie stirred. "Mrwwwe?"

I rose from the bed now, disentangling myself. "I'm going to go shave," I said.

"I can shave you, I've seen how Mom does it for Dad," Sweetie said.

Rarity licked her lips nervously. "Sweetie, it's a dangerous job."

"It's okay," I said. Sweetie needs some self-confidence. "You can help me."

I was rather nervous. The part of me which is kind to children thought this a great idea. The part which is wary of a wobbly child-unicorn holding a blade to my throat was rather less enthused.

But she needs some confidence, I can tell. So we went to the bathroom and I lathered up. She had to stand on the privy to see well, which was a little amusing to me. Then I lathered up and she took the razor and very slowly, she moved it over to my face, looking nervous.

I used my own power to steady the blade and guide her. "Someone's helping me," she said, confused.

"It's me," I told her. "I am a unicorn human. We'll do it together."

I guided her; slowly, I felt her control get more steady and sure and so, bit by bit, I released my grip. By the end, it was all her doing it, while I just watched.

It was not the greatest shave ever but it was good enough. "Good job," she said, smiling.

"Why can't I see your horn?" she asked.

"It's invisible," I told her. I should not have said that but I couldn't help myself. "There was an accident."

"Oh," she said.

Too trusting for her own good.

But she was smiling. "You're a nice unicorn," she said.

"Thank you," I told her. "You're a very nice unicorn too."

She smiled even brighter.

I suddenly wondered if our evil twins still had the goatees. Hehe.

I now washed my face to get left over lather off.

We came out for breakfast, which we ate in the kitchen. Rarity's shop seems to basically have a storage room, a bedroom, a bathroom, a kitchen, and the front store. You can tell it's a single person's home, even with the box of toys in the bedroom.

Sweetie and I came out and dug into the food. Rarity looked a little nervous. "The fish is great," I told her and she relaxed. You know, she's probably never cooked fish before.

In fact, I suddenly wondered how she even had fish. But that wasn't worth worrying about.

"We will have to hurry," she said. "You two slept in."

"You should have woken me," I said. "I'm sorry."

"I would have, but you two looked so cute sleeping there and when I did try, you just mumbled about grades."

FUCK ME.

Rarity and Sweetie were having fried tomato and fruit slices on a mix of kinds of lettuce. I had some of that with fish. SO GOOD. "This is really good," I said. "Fresh food, home cooked, I am clean, I am wearing clean clothing, I feel alive again."

Rarity smiled brightly and Sweetie said, "Thanks, sis. I'll cook breakfast tomorrow."

"We'll be in the castle, dear," Rarity said. "They'll cook for us."

"I am SO EXCITED," Sweetie said urgently. "I've never been to Canterlot! Surely we'll discover our Cutie Marks there!"

"Luna wants us to see the Moon Raising tonight," Rarity said. "I have never seen it myself. Apparently, it will be something extra special tonight."

Only now did I think... "Wait, did I sleep through us cutting a deal with Vermicoritax? Because we had to get the treasure for him to be willing to talk, let alone negotiate."

"He is going to come meet with Celestia and Luna; he is rather cross over 'Princess Marjorie' trying to set him up for a war with Equestria," Rarity said.

Hah, your plan bit you back, Marjorie! Or Marquetta, or whoever you are.

I hope she doesn't invade my dreams again.

"I forgot to ask what my magical cape DOES," Sweetie suddenly said, then sighed.

"Show me," I told her. "I can try and figure it out."

I ate and studied her cloak when she brought it. "Very strong protection against cold," I told her. "And if you pull the hood up, it'll help you sneak around. Also, it has some mild help in avoiding getting hurt by magics and poisons and the like." Basic protection enchantments. "It won't make you invincible, but it ups the odds of avoiding being hurt."

"COOL," she said and put it on, then started sneaking around. Your vision glanced off it unless you really concentrated hard.

Rarity buried her face in her hooves.

"What's wrong?"

"They're hard enough to herd already," Rarity mumbled.

...

"I have to go tell everyone!" Sweetie said.

"Finish your breakfast, then pack for the trip, THEN you can go," Rarity said.

"But I might forget by then!" Sweetie said.

I touched her forehead and used a little magic. It didn't actually do anything but she would feel it. "There you go, a memory spell. You won't forget."

She just shoved her face in her food and grazed at high speed instead of eating delicately as Rarity did.

"Sweetie, show some manners! You don't see Marcus grazing!"

"Apple Bloom grazes and so does Scootaloo," Sweetie said stubbornly. "It's natural for ponies."

"We are ponies of refinement," Rarity said. "Civilized people do not just shove their face in the punch bowl or their plate."

Sweetie grumbled, looking frustrated.

"You should be glad you're not a non-sentient pony," I told Sweetie. "You'd be spending hours and hours a day eating, more if you just had grass to eat."

Sweetie stared at me. "Are they all hideously fat?"

"Small stomachs and grass isn't very nutritious, even for a herbivore. If they have things like oats and rye and apples, they don't have to eat as much. I'm guessing that probably you all have more efficient stomachs and may well be partly fed by magic." Then I held up a piece of fish. "One of the reasons humans eat meat is that it conveys a lot of energy in a small package."

I think there's some business with a second stomach or something but I don't know horse biology in that level of detail.

Sweetie ate as fast as she could with any pretension to dignity. It was a weak pretension; she then ran off to pack.

"I wish I had more time to make you some nice outfits," Rarity said.

I jingled my coin and gem pack. "If we stay in Canterlot long, I can buy an outfit or two," I told her. I suddenly wondered what happened to all the clothing I had when I was Erik; I abandoned most of it in my flight. "Though I'd rather have something nice made by you, fair Rarity."

"Flatterer," she said, but she smiled.

"Is Apple Bloom's necklace magic?" Sweetie shouted.

"I don't know," I shouted back.

"Don't shout between rooms," Rarity shouted, then laughed softly, shaking her head.

"Best not to give orders you violate by giving them," I said.

"Are human children difficult?" Rarity asked me.

"Oh yes. We have to tame our own children and guide them. It's a huge amount of work," I told her. "Also, human children get into ANYTHING very easily, thanks to hands."

She looked off towards the bedroom door, then at me, then ate some more of her breakfast. She started to speak, then fell silent.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Later, when we can have privacy," she said. "We have to assume Sweetie can and will appear at any time while she's under our care."

I scratched my head, then nodded and worked on breakfast. She told me about Ponyville and her family and various friends.

Distantly, I now hear the sound of a pony laughing maniacally. And knocking at the back door, which goes straight into Rarity's bedroom.

"Look what I can do with my tail!" Apple Bloom shouted in the bedroom. "I bet I could even carry an axe and chop wood now!"

"Oh wow, that's great, Apple Bloom," Sweetie said. "Can you help me pack?"

"Sure... WITH MY TAIL!"

I couldn't help but laugh.

Rarity looked curious. "That's new."

"I noticed Applejack has a prehensile tail. Is that common with Earth Ponies?"

"Usually only for things relating to their Cutie Mark," Rarity said. "Which can be pretty broad. I'd be surprised if she somehow got her Cutie Mark after coming home, though."

"Here, let me get that... with my tail!" Apple Bloom crowed.

I laughed softly. Rarity smiled.

"Oh, one other thing from yesterday," I said. "What is an Oard?"

Rarity buried her face in her hooves. "Oards are imaginary creatures that Ditzy and Dinky both think are real. They're supposedly time travelers who are trying to change Mystara's history using super-technology. They feature in the kind of crazy conspiracy theories you find in the Hoofington Inquirer," she said. "Where they claim Duke Stefan's been replaced by a clone made of snow and that's why he doesn't move against the Black Eagle Baron or that the Thyatian Emperor is addicted to cheese and thus is controlled by cheese-makers from the Heldaan Freeholds, and so on."

"AHH," I said. It's probably for the best I haven't the resources to disguise myself as one or I would find myself unable to resist the impulse to go do it and freak them out. "I assume we are going to catch the afternoon train to Canterlot?"

"I think so," Rarity said.

If we leave by noon, we can be in Canterlot before dinnertime on the train. It'll be nice to relax on the train.

And less crowded than the balloon.

"Here, I'll get that down for you with... MY TAIL!" Apple Bloom crowed.

"We're all going to want to kill her by sunset, right?" I said.

"Oh yes," Rarity said, laughing a little. "But it's important to celebrate their learning new skills, so try to be patient and hold me back if I snap, darling." She took a drink of milk. "Marcus darling, about last night, I'm sorry."

La.. OH. "It's okay," I told her. "Everyone disagrees sometimes. I hope I didn't get too heated. I just didn't know any stories suitable for pony children, so I had to improvise."

I heard weird noises from the bedroom. Springing and shaking noises.

o/~ With my tail,

o/~ I will help you without fail!

o/~ I can even send mail,

o/~ With my tail!

...

"Don't jump on the bed," Rarity shouted.

I laughed softly.

"I can shave people now," Sweetie Belle said proudly now.

"Oooh, magically?" Apple Bloom said excitedly.

"Yes!"

"Maybe you'll get a grooming Cutie Mark soon!" Apple Bloom said excitedly.

"You need to PACK," Rarity shouted. "They're so easily distracted," she said to me.

I finished my food. "I can run herd on them while you clean up."

"Thanks," she said and I went to try to restore order.

Foolish me.

**************

I never, EVER should have told them about the sneaking thing. Foolish me. By the time it was time to go, Ditzy, Rarity, and myself were chasing all five crusaders around Rarity's house as they tried to hide from us and laughed like maniacs.

This might well have continued until we all died of old age, except that Applejack showed up with Ivan and her brother, Big Macintosh, and they helped us herd the kids. Pretty quickly, we trapped them all and stopped Apple Bloom trying to pick up Opalescence with her tail.

"Leave the poor cat alone," Applejack said sternly to Apple Bloom. "I know you're proud of yourself, but Opalescence is not a toy. And don't abuse your cloaks, or we'll have to take them away until you're older."

"I am older! I'm a BIG PONY," Apple Bloom insisted. "Look at my tail!"

"I can shave people now!" Sweetie protested.

Scootaloo looked kind of frustrated, possibly because Apple Bloom and Sweetie couldn't resist mentioning tails and shaving every five seconds, roughly.

"I'm proud of you," Applejack said. "But you don't have to mention it constantly." She sounded a little worn out of it already.

I laughed softly.

"Marcus, you got a minute?" Applejack asked me.

"Sure," I said.

"Big Mac, make sure they don't decide to go find another dungeon before we get back," Applejack said.

"I can shave you!" Sweetie said excitedly.

His eyes widened and I said to Big Mac, "It's fine. She shaved me this morning." As I passed him, I whispered to Big Mac, "As long as she believes she can do it, she'll be fine. Just reassure her and she'll do great."

He nodded and I went outside with Applejack. "Need something magicked?" I asked.

"Can you take a look, make sure Apple Bloom ain't got nothing magical in her head? Somethin' tricked her and her friends into comin', and I'm pretty sure it ain't Luna. I don't want to see her and her friends rush off on some other damn fool dangerous thing again in the future."

"Of course, though Twilight would do a better job."

"The more what look, the safer," Applejack said. "And check the amulet, make sure it's safe."

The amulet turned out to augment an Earth Pony's fine manipulation abilities; this was likely why she'd so quickly gotten so proficient with her tail. There were no signs of continuing enchantment, but I had to agree with Applejack that someone had played them. Why and to what end?

Ditzy was talking urgently to Rarity as I studied the kids, who had basically overborne Big Mac and were busy trying to pretty him up. "I totally have nothing to wear for this," Ditzy said. "And neither does Dinky and I am supposed to work today and they gave it off but I don't know how long I have to stay there and.." She was growing ever more frantic and her eyes ever more googly as she panicked.

"I don't have time to do a proper job, darling, but of course I'll see what I can throw together before we have to catch the train," Rarity said. "Sweetie, are you packed?"

"Sort of."

"Sweetie, get packed. Children, are you all packed? Do you have your bags?"

A chorus of yeses broke out.

"Do you have your permission slip, Twist, Scootaloo?"

"I have mine!" Scootaloo said.

"I..um... oh no, I left it at home!" Twist said in a panic.

Rarity magicked some bits over to Scootaloo. "Scootaloo, run Twist home, then go by the grocery store and get six boxes of raisins."

Raisins?

They took off.

"Sweetie, get your bags packed. Apple Bloom, you can come assist me with... your tail," she said with a dramatic flourish. Rarity is a bit of a ham. "Dinky, Ditzy, come, you will need to be fitted. Marcus darling, come, I'll see what I can do for you too. Applejack, Big Mac, I hate to ask, but I could trouble you to clean up my kitchen? I can't leave it like this but I am going to be very busy."

"Glad to help, Rarity," Applejack said.

With Apple Bloom and I assisting, Rarity threw together an extra outfit for me, Ditzy, and Dinky. She was extremely not happy with any of them, though they looked fine to me. "I'm so sorry, you all deserve better, but I simply don't have time to give these the care they deserve."

I had a nice green suit to go with my hat, and Dinky and Ditzy each got a golden dress with green trim. Apple Bloom looked as proud of herself as if she'd done all the work on her own, her tail swishing everywhere.

We all assembled at the train station, dressed up and fancy looking. "Nice tux," I told Spike.

"Thank you," he said curtly.

I don't know what to do at all. I'd like to be on good terms with Spike, but he's really unhappy with me, unfortunately.

The Wonderbolts had already flown to Canterlot, but to my surprise, we were joined by Lyra and Bon-Bon. "Hello, everyone," Lyra said cheerfully. "Celestia's summoned us."

I blinked. That's unusual. "Maybe she wants you to join her orchestra."

"She already has a really good harpist," Lyra said. Then her eyes widened and she started to sweat.

"I already know about Octavia, dear," Bon-Bon said, though there was just a touch of... cracking the whip to it.

"Who?" Applejack asked curiously.

"She's the double-bass player for Celestia's orchestra," Twilight said. "She used to be Lyra's girlfriend, but something happened." She looked meaningfully at Lyra.

"Ha. Ahaha. HAHAHAHA," Lyra laughed nervously.

I felt a mix of sympathy and amusement that someone OTHER than me was freaking out.

"She wouldn't come to Boasttown?" I said adding the appropriate lyrical lilt to it. It's an allusion to one of Lyra's favorite songs. Which can be roughly summed up as 'Man: Woman I love, please come to where I am now living and chasing my dreams. Woman: Stop faffing about and come home to me'. The song ends unresolved whether he's coming home or not.

I had meant to tease, but Lyra looked like I'd punched her in the face, and now I felt guilty. Bon-Bon glared hate at me and I stumbled back a step. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that to come off mean."

"No, you're right," Lyra said, and sighed. "I didn't quite realize how serious she was, and then when I did finally get off my ass and got moving... it was messy. She had a steady stall, and I was ready to travel and..." She studied the platform. "It was kind of ugly. I hope she's not still mad at me."

"She was very, very cross," Twilight said. "You might want to avoid her."

"I have a clever plan," Pinkie said, and got out several things. Lyra now had a blue wig on, glasses, a fake nose, and a mustache attached to the nose. "She will NEVER recognize you like this."

...

"I will NOT let her do anything," Bon-Bon said firmly. "Pinkie, please take that ludicrous thing off Lyra."

Pinkie looked disappointed, and now Apple Bloom removed them from Lyra and handed them to Pinkie. "There you go," she said proudly.

Bon-Bon blinked. "Nicely done, Apple Bloom."

"So you're a musician?" Lyra asked me curiously.

"I'm an envoy of Celestia," I told her. "I do a little of everything. Magic, history, music, swordsmanship, and so on."

I prayed this wouldn't remind her of Erik.

"Humans do seem to dabble in everything," Lyra said. "Twilight and I knew a guy like that."

LET'S NOT DISCUSS HIM.

"Erik of Vestland?" Applejack asked curiously. "Some people we encountered at White Plume Mountain thought there were two of him there."

"Marjorie must have cloned him," Twilight said, frowning. "I expect the evil clone is the one who committed all those crimes he's been accused of."

Lyra and Bon-Bon looked at each other with the 'Twilight is rationalizing' look. Lyra, however, softened. "He seemed like a good guy to me. You had to kind of trick him into having fun sometimes, but that did make him a better match for you, Twilight, as you're the same way."

"You don't have to trick me into having fun!" Twilight said. "I can be LOTS of fun!"

"We just DRAG you into having lots of fun," Spike said, grinning.

I did NOT have to be dragged into having fun! I am all about FUN.

"He loved to sing and dance but he'd pretend he didn't," Lyra said. "So you had to trick him into it or make him think it was educational."

...

"That song WAS educational!" Twilight protested.

"But you're the same way," Lyra said, clearly back on steady ground.

The train now pulled into the station, and we all boarded, and got ready to go.

**************

I ended up designated Sweetie and Twist wrangler. Twist wasn't hard to keep under control; all you had to do was talk to her. But Sweetie wanted to wander all over the train car, and so did the rest of her friends. It didn't help that Sweetie kept trying to go show her new card trick to everyone on the train car; some were amused but others were annoyed and I got a lot of confused stares every time I had to herd her back. And Apple Bloom had to show off, and Scootaloo was grumping and Dinky kept trying to explain to every adult in sight about what they had to do to keep their timeline from being changed.

We were halfway to Canterlot and I was already worn out and had apologized to what felt like hundreds of ponies. Fortunately, I am smooth and gracious, so we didn't have a riot.

One gentleman, old with grey coat and grey mane, studied me after I got Sweetie out of his face. "Who are you?" he asked.

"Samus Marcus, envoy of Celestia. We're on our way to report on a diplomatic mission."

"With children?" he said curiously.

"Sweetie is Rarity's sister," I said.

"And you are?" he said curiously, after glancing at Rarity.

Didn't I already say my name? "Samus Marcus, envoy of Celestia," I said, hoping he wasn't asking something else I didn't get.

He gave me an odd look. "I am Silver Lining," he said. "I was just visiting my son and his children in Ponyville."

"Are you related to Silver Fountain, by any chance?" I asked, remembering where Apple Blossom had gone.

He brightened. "Why yes, I am. My sister runs a school for young fillies and colts in Manehattan. A finishing school." He studied the rampaging children. "These kids could use such an education."

My brain now clicked. He's the grandfather of one of the brats who gives Sweetie and her friends trouble. Stay calm, show no anger. "I'm surprised your granddaughter doesn't attend there."

"She should," he said, frowning. "But my son doesn't want her to leave home. It would do her good to see a proper city."

I carefully plied him for information about his family. I don't know when or where I'll need it, but information is power and leverage.

Eventually, though, I had to go chase down Sweetie again when she tried to wander into the next train car.

I'm sorry, everyone else on this train, we're doing our best.

***************

Canterlot was as beautiful as I remembered, though I did not remember it smelling so much like cinnamon. Cinnamon typically comes from the Divinarchy of Yav, southwest of Sind, which is west of Equestria. It's not super-expensive, but it isn't super-common either, due to the transport costs.

Ditzy cocked her head. "Someone must have dropped an air shipment. It's filtering down from above."

It seemed to be boosting sales of cinnamon rolls. I bought some for all the kids when they asked, though Ditzy more or less forced me to take compensation from her for the one I bought for Dinky. This kept the kids quiet as we herded them through the streets.

Score!

I also got some for myself and Rarity; nice, warm, tasty. They love their treats in Equestria.

We were most of the way to the castle, when Scootaloo said irritably to Apple Bloom, "Looks like you've got icing and sugar... on your tail."

"Oh man," Apple Bloom said in frustration. "I'm gonna have to go to the castle with ICING ON."

"On your tail," the other kids chorused, laughing.

"Pinkie to the rescue!" Pinkie said, then licked it all off Apple Bloom's tail until it shined.

...

Umm... problem... solved.

Applejack's eyes crossed. I don't blame you. "Pinkie, that's kind of tacky."

"Sweet and cinnamony!" Pinkie said.

I slid over to Rainbow Dash. "Hey, Dash," I whispered. "I think Scootaloo could do with some cheering up and you're the one to do it."

She looked at Scootaloo, then nodded. "I've got just the idea."

She came over to Scootaloo. "Want to ride ahead to the castle with me? I'm gonna go make sure Soarin' is doing okay."

"SURE!" Scootaloo said excitedly; she clambered onto Rainbow Dash's back and they raced off at high speed.

A little while later, we heard alarms going off at the castle.

...

"Hurry!" Twilight said and everyone took off at high speed.

More precisely, the adult ponies left the rest of us behind while the fillies and Ivan and I tried and failed to keep up to ponies running full tilt. Apple Bloom and Twist pulled ahead of myself, Dinky, and Sweetie. Then Ditzy came back, grabbed Dinky, and flew ahead.

Sweetie looked quite frustrated and now I lost Apple Bloom and Twist in the crowd. Well, crap.

"I'm sorry," Sweetie said to me.

"Sorry for what?" I said.

"That I can't run faster, so you have to stay back and watch over me," she said.

"We can't run faster either," Ivan confessed and now Sweetie looked a little happier.

I could fly but I'd best save it.

Everyone was panicking due to the alarms, and finally, I picked up Sweetie and tucked her into her own saddlebags, then slung those over my shoulder. She stuck her head out which looked pretty amusing.

"Aaah, help!" I heard Apple Bloom shout.

Oh bloody hell. I ran like a madman, pressing myself in time to see a blue maned, green coated earth pony stallion wearing a hat rather like a thimble with a rim, trying to drag Apple Bloom and Twist along; he wore a copper medallion shaped like a star with a school inscribed on it.

"Time for you two to go to school!" the stallion insisted. But he couldn't grip both their tails with his teeth and he kept trying to talk, which turned them loose.

I flashed my diplomatic papers at him. "Queen Celestia has invited them to see her," I told him. "The rest of the delegation ran ahead."

He studied us suspiciously "On a school day?"

School was out for the summer in Ponyville, I think. I guess in the city you don't need a summer break. "Yes, sir. School is out in Ponyville."

"I TOLD YOU," Apple Bloom shouted.

"Be respectful to the officer," I told her. She blinked at me, then grimaced.

"We're sorry, sir, the Queen needs to see us," Twist said respectfully. "Have some licorice." She tossed him a length and he took it and ate it.

I herded them along. "Be respectful to your elders," I told Apple Bloom. "If you mouth off, it puts their back up and they will resist what you want. But if you push their buttons, they'll be more inclined to be merciful."

Apple Bloom looked thoughtful, and Twist said, "I tried to be respectful, but he wouldn't listen."

"Well, not every tactic works every time." I sighed. "Anyway, don't run ahead. We'll catch up to the others soon."

The alarms stopped and I relaxed. Probably the party took down the threat. Which is good as children shouldn't be herded into danger. But I couldn't leave them behind, either.

We soon arrived at the gates, where my diplomatic credentials got some stares but let me in. The royal orchestra was in the courtyard performing, while Moondancer led a group of ponies in a dance. No one was singing but I recognized the tune. It was a song about a man who abandoned the woman who loved him and DIED HORRIBLY as a result.

Ahahah.

Everyone else was here; Dash and Scootaloo looked rather embarrassed. I don't know why, given they haven't... Dammit, Celestia.

I let Sweetie out of the bag now and gave it back to her. I've taught most of the ponies who were dancing. They're all from the bardic program, of course.

Please, no one, recognize me!

Lyra had a smile on her face, but I could see her tension. Bon-Bon was studying Octavia and looking cranky. I prayed there would be no big explosion.

And now Luna came out when they finished. "Welcome to Canterlot, Elements of Harmony, Cutie Mark Crusaders, and other friends. I am happy to see you all and I welcome you here. Celestia and I want you to dine with us tonight, and then attend the Moon Raising Ceremony. But Moondancer will show you to your quarters first. We will all meet in private after the ceremony." Her voice was musical and cheerful and soft.

I bowed to her, as did Ivan and everyone else.

"Marcus, if you would come with me, I would be grateful," Luna said.

Oh FUCK ME.

"I attend you eagerly, Princess Luna. I live to serve." I gave my voice its best courtly flair.

The fact that Applejack looked amused by this undercut me a bit, but I tried to ignore that and prayed this was not DEATH TIME.

**************

We passed various offices in which ponies were hard at work, until we came to a large one with an actual secretary in front; we went to the back and she told the secretary not to let anyone else in.

If this is where I die, at least I have a HAT on.

Her secretary poured us each a glass of a silvery liquid and laid out a small plate of donuts with white icing. Then she darted out to wait in her office in front.

Luna sat down behind her desk and I plopped down in a nice comfy chair, then suddenly wondered why she had a chair for guests when most of her guests couldn't sit in a human style chair.

She pushed a large piece of square glass on her desk to one side. It was odd, like she'd erected a window on a crystal stand in the middle of her desk.

"It's a pleasure to meet you," she said. "Celly speaks very well of you, and I see she's put her mark on you."

AHAHAHAH.

"What exactly does that mean?" I said. "I sort of... begged her for help against Marquetta, but I didn't know I had a mark until Keraptis told me."

"Is he still as crazy as ever?" she asked.

"Yes, definitely. Maybe more," I said.

"Celly has placed you under her protection," Luna said. "To certain kinds of beings, it is a beacon to back off. For most creatures, it won't matter, they can't notice. Given my suspicions about 'Marquetta', I expect she can tell."

"Is she a Draconic Immortal?" I asked.

"She is probably a mortal identity of the Moon Dragon," Luna said, eyes flashing. "We have had several past clashes with her." She ate a donut fiercely and sipped her drink.

I tried mine; it was definitely alcoholic with a bit of a minty tang to it. And very smooth. "What is this?" I asked.

"Liquid moonlight, fermented into wine," Luna said.

...

"She is not the person I most hate, but I certainly hate her," Luna said, acid in her voice.

I shrank back in my chair and she looked embarrassed, her voice reverting to its usual gentleness. "I am very sorry. I have a bit of a temper, though usually I can control it."

"It's okay," I lied, trying to soothe my nerves. "You told me in the letter about your wrath."

"Oh, Luna is very kind and gentle, so don't worry," Celestia said, startling me. She had somehow snuck in and now she draped herself over me from behind. Absolute terror time, my whole body shaking and feeling strange.

"Hello, Celly," Luna said warmly. "Would you like a drink?"

"I would love to have some," Celestia said and Luna poured her a glass. She sipped it. "I have missed seeing you, Marcus," she said. "You left so hastily last time."

FUCK ME.

SO MUCH.

"This was while you were gone, dear," she said to Luna. "Which is why you hadn't met him."

Luna nodded and sipped her drink. "There is many a pony who would kill to be where you are, Marcus. Know that you are greatly honored by such intimacy." She was grinning, clearly amused by my embarrassment. I doubt she could sense my full terror.

"I am greatly honored," I squeaked out.

I felt like I was about to shapeshift but my body didn't actually change. I could feel magic inside me, though. CELESTIA!

Luna studied my forehead. "I... Celly, there is something on his forehead." Her voice was gently chiding.

...

"It's an invisible unicorn horn, he being a unicorn human," Celestia said. "I hid it so no one would know he was one of my agents."

This is what I get for lying to children.

CELESTIA!!!

"So how long have you been in the business?" Luna asked. "Of adventuring. I had never heard of you before."

I was afraid to confess, but I want to know.

Trust is a leap in the dark.

Celestia is benevolent but her enemies tend to end up ground to dust. And she's very protective of Twilight.

Urrrrgh.

Rarity, I hope you don't have to make me a winding cloth.

Pretty as it would be, like you.

"I don't know," I confessed. "I think I've been reincarnating for some reason, over and over. Ivan thinks I may have been a candidate for the Polymath path." I took my sword and put it on the desk. "This is an artifact." I turned it to its original falchion form. "Marquetta had it and wants it back."

Celestia looked quite surprised, while Luna looked intrigued. Surely Celestia knew about this at least somewhat. In fact, Celestia seemed lost for words, which really surprised me.

"I think I was Dmitri Ilyanovich when I got the sword but when everything really blew up," I told her. "And I was probably Odo the Quick."

Celestia now recovered. "I will make discreet inquiries," she said.

"Also, did Asterius help you two to found Equestria?," I asked. "Ivan is a candidate under him. Or maybe someone is rooking him," I said, frowning. "He was given a rather difficult task."

"Quests for immortality are never easy," Luna said. "Or the world would be overrun with Immortals."

"And he has achieved it, by means acceptable to his patron," Celestia said. "For he watches over trade, among his duties."

"Is Asterius literally or symbolically your uncle?" I asked curiously.

"It is complicated," Luna said.

Celestia sipped her drink, then left it floating in the air. "He freed our ancestors during the fall of Blackmoor," she said. "And he guided us in our youth." She studied me now. "So you do not know why you keep being reborn?"

"I'm not even sure how many times," I told her. "It's all a blur with flashes of terror and screaming."

I would be screaming right now if I wasn't too frozen with fear they'll figure out... no, Celestia KNOWS but for some reason hasn't told Luna. But if I get her mad, she'll tell Luna and then I will DIE.

I am your bitch, Celestia. I get it now.

Luna looked very sad. "It is a terrible thing to be burdened with memories which only give you pain." She came over and nuzzled me gently. It was comforting despite my absolute terror.

"I'm not some kind of construct, right?" I said hesitantly.

They both studied me intently, making me VERY nervous.

"Let's go to my lab," Luna said.

"I must attend to work," Celestia said. "Luna will take good care of you."

Ahahah.

*************

Luna, Twilight, and Moondancer loomed over me as I was strapped to a table with all sorts of machines, wands, crystal balls, flasks, piping, clockworks, and other things all around me, flashing lights and making words and grinding on ever forever and ever. Spike lurked nearby, assisting them.

"Ectoplasmic phase inducer," Luna said and Twilight passed her a crystal rod, which she waved over me as I sweated and tried not to panic.

"Don't worry, only one in ten mutate into a hideous beast and have to be killed," Luna said to me.

...

Twilight stared, mouth open wide. Spike looked hopeful.

"Princess, you shouldn't tease him when he's always so scared," Moondancer said, a little chidingly.

"I'm sorry, Marcus, I was only teasing," Luna said. "It was very foalish of me." She and Moondancer both laughed softly at the pun while Twilight tried to calm her breathing.

"Rarity would be very unhappy if you turned Marcus into a rampaging monster," Twilight finally managed to say.

"Don't worry," Luna said. "Hmm, yes, you've definitely been reincarnated a lot."

I laughed nervously. "How?"

"Your sword has been tampered with by an immortal other than it’s creator," she said. "Some sort of..." She frowned. "I'm not sure who did this or why, but if you live long enough between deaths, it will reincarnate you."

"Live long enough between deaths?"

"It takes time for it to regenerate its power. Several months. You've died recently, so you'd best avoid dying."

...

"Wait... I did?" I said in surprise.

"Yes," Luna said. She blinked. "You didn't notice?"

When the hell did I die?

"Do you have a day?" I asked weakly.

"I don't have a precise day," she said.

Going to have to talk to Ivan.

"I will be careful," I said, while Moondancer looked intrigued and I looked worried.

"Don't worry, we won't let you die again," Twilight said.

"Celestia and I will make inquiries. Something strange is going on," Luna said. "You should go rest before dinner. Moondancer, show him to where he is staying. Twilight, I have business to take care of, but I am looking forward to seeing you at dinner." She smiled shyly.

Twilight said, "I am very honored you let me assist you." She pony-bowed. "Moondancer, it's good to see you again."

"You've changed," Moondancer said flatly and Twilight cringed a little. "For the better." She smiled now.

"Thank you, Moondancer," Twilight said to her. "I had a lot to learn about Friendship." She turned to Luna. "Do you think Fluttershy could charge up his sword?" Twilight asked thoughtfully.

"An interesting idea. I will think on that," Luna said. "Marcus, it is nice to meet you. Don't worry, you are safe here."

Until Celestia tells you everything and I die.

We all bowed and headed out. "Where am I staying?" I asked.

"With Rarity and Sweetie, I think," Moondancer said as she walked along. "You are a nervous stallion," she said to me.

"Well, you can see why," I said.

She paused and looked sad. "Yes, I can."

"Don't worry, we won't let you die more," Twilight said to me.

I'm as worried about you all dying as me dying myself.

Stupid bonding instincts.

We heard odd noises and squealing as we reached Rarity's room. "My goodness," I said.

"Sounds like she's having a tumble in the hay with someone," Moondancer said, looking surprised.

Surely not.

Twilight's eyes got wide and she opened the door. "Rarity, what are you..."

The kids were rampaging and jumping on the bed and the chair and climbing on the furniture and Rarity and Ditzy were desperately trying to get them in check.

Moondancer said, "Oh."

Twilight looked relieved and so was I. The last thing in this universe I want is to walk in on pony-pony love-love, not that Rarity is the type to just randomly sleep with the help. "Children, stop rampaging!"

"I'm flying like Mom!" Dinky shouted as she bounced.

"Unicorns don't fly!" Ditzy said, trying to grab her and failing; Apple Bloom now landed on her, knocking her down on the bed. "Where did you come from?"

I put a little magic in my voice. "STOP!" I shouted. Teacher instincts now rose up inside me.

They all froze, and now Scootaloo landed, rolled over and trailed her legs in the air like a fainting goat.

"Students, fall in line," I said sternly.

They all lined up on the edge of the bed.

"In order, by name."

They shuffled quickly. Twilight, Rarity, and Moondancer stared at me.

"Scootaloo, why did you encourage everyone to jump on the bed?" I said.

She tried to feign death again.

"Scootaloo, that may get you out of chores by panicking your parents, but it won't work on me. Why?"

"I was bored," she mumbled. "And I want to fly like Rainbow Dash but my stupid body won't let me." She looked very frustrated.

"I hear you're very good on your scooter," I told her.

"I'm AWESOME," she said.

"You should show me later," I told her. "I've never ridden on a scooter before."

"You'll get a GREAT show," she said confidently.

"I'm sure I will," I said. "But right now, you all need to rest before dinner so you don't embarrass your family and friends by falling over and landing your face in your food, like I did one time in Alphatia."

I told them the whole embarrassing story; it was a victory party thrown by someone who hired us to recover some bits of undead he needed for a magic item. I was so drained of energy I fell asleep in the middle and ended up with fish stew on my face.

They were all laughing by the end of it. Rarity had straightened out and made the bed while I kept the kids busy; Ditzy was listening to the story, Twilight whispering to Rarity and Moondancer had bid us farewell and taken off. And Spike, he was listening and laughing too.

"Okay, kids, it's naptime," I said. "Before dinner."

"I'm too old for a nap! I can pick things up with my tail!" Apple Bloom said.

Don't make me use a sleep spell on you, kids. "I'm going to nap too," I told them. "Even big people need a nap sometimes."

Pretty soon, I had them all lying down on the bed with myself in the middle. "Wake us up in time to freshen up for dinner," I told Rarity.

She nodded and soon blessed sleep engulfed us all.

***************

Dinner was excellent; Canterlot entertains a lot of ambassadors and merchants from human countries, so it's a great place to get human styles of food; the food today was based on the Principality of Blackhill's food. In Blackhill, they like food which has a strong smell. So all the various human guests had mutton, anchovies, carrots, and peppers, in a garlic-blue cheese sauce on rice. The ponies had the same dish without the mutton and anchovies.

The smell could knock you out but it was very tasty. The Belcadizian guests looked a little wobbly, but the Aalbaneese quite enjoyed it. I saw Dona Carlotta but made myself not stare. That chapter of my life is over.

Sweetie kept her table manners up, with only a few reminders from Rarity and myself. Pinkie, on the other hand, was busy sucking down food like it might escape and Apple Bloom and Scootaloo were both in that category. Despite Rarity giving them the gaze of disapproval. I kept my mouth shut; they weren't under my care. Twist had good manners and Dinky was strongly supervised by her mother.

The kids and some of the adults at our table (we sat with both Princesses and Moondancer) got a lot of stares from other ponies present; the Glantrian ponies all had very formal manners.

"So you didn't send us a dream?" Sweetie Belle said to Princess Luna, confused.

"No, after the ceremony, I'm going to talk to all of you about that," Princess Luna said. "Someone tricked you."

"But they needed us to save them," Apple Bloom said, confused.

"We have to figure it out," Princess Luna said kindly. "You were very brave, but you should have told your parents."

"We thought you told us not to," Scootaloo said, frowning.

I hope they can figure this out; kids shouldn't be used as pawns.

"You should only do what *I* tell you to do in dreams," Pinkie said cheerfully.

Ahahaha.

"I should show you my magic trick," Sweetie Belle suddenly said.

"Finish your dinner," Rarity said.

"You can show her later when you meet with her in private," I told Sweetie.

"It's AMAZING," Twist said, clearly impressed by it.

Princess Celestia looked at me with an odd smile. I felt my forehead tingle. Invisible horn indeed. "Have you ever had any children, Marcus?" she asked, then took a sip of her tea.

Her phoenix now flew down and landed on her head, then looked over at me suspiciously. Given I wasn't wearing my hat (not socially acceptable at dinner, sadly), I don't know why.

The kids stared, wide-eyed, at the phoenix. "So pretty," Sweetie said softly.

Twilight, on the other hand, laughed nervously for some reason.

Fluttershy nervously waved at the phoenix which now flew over to perch on her head. She smiled more brightly now, clearly happy with her new hat.

Now that's cheating.

"I have not had any children, but I have been a child," I said. Then I felt ignorant for having said that.

"Well, everyone starts as a child," Twist said hesitantly.

"I am not a child," Apple Bloom insisted.

"You seem good with children, though, like a father or a teacher would be," Celestia said.

DAMMIT CELESTIA!!!!

I hid my terror and the urge to RUN RUN RUN. "Children are much easier to deal with than salamanders," I said.

"That's what I thought," Fluttershy said ruefully.

...

"I'd like to hope I'd be a good father," I told her. "But you can only find out by doing it. You've had children, right?"

"Many children," Celestia said. "Is that a proposition?"

...............................

Rarity stared, mouth wide, and Twilight... tiny tendrils of steam came out of her ears. She tried to speak but only incoherent noises happened. Fluttershy blinked, Applejack began laughing, Ivan laughed and laughed and laughed, and Pinkie giggled.

The kids all stared at me and Sweetie Belle looked oddly nervous.

Celestia began laughing and Luna said, "Don't tease people like that, Celly," though she was laughing herself.

"You'd make a fine stallion, I'm sure," Celestia said, smiling that tiny 'gotcha' smile.

"Ivan certainly did," Applejack said.

Everyone looked at her and now she looked a little flustered. Ivan quickly stuffed his face and I grinned a little.

"Why don't you tell us about it?" Celestia said, then ate some of her dinner.

"Sister, you can't just tease everyone," Luna said.

"I'll tell you about how *I* turned into a human and got to touch EVERYTHING." Pinkie said, then began a long rambling discourse on her brief sojourn on our side of the fence. Lyra, I noticed, listened with great interest.

I hoped other ponies could not hear the conversation at this table. Or anyone else. Or...

Scootaloo looked at me. "Are there humans who fly?"

"Yes," I told her. "In Alphatia." I gave her a little discourse on Floating Ar while Pinkie rambled on and everyone ate. "And my friend Helga can fly now." She's a better wizard than me, I must admit to my embarrassment. "She's married to another flying wizard in Glantri. They have a daughter, but I don't think she can fly yet. She has a unicorn pony best friend named Sugar Sparkle."

"Does she have a cutie mark?" Scootaloo asked, looking oddly thoughtful.

"None of the three of us have one," I said. "I'm pretty sure only ponies get cutie marks."

Scootaloo now looked very thoughtful which really was the scariest thing I'd seen all day and I'd been tied to a table with people joking about me mutating into a hideous monster.

People who will kill me if they find out who I actually am.

That being said, I was feeling... mellow by the Marcus scale, which would probably be a fair amount of fear by the measure of people with less panic-inducing lives.

Dinner was winding down; dessert was cinnamon rolls and a kind of fruit-jam pastry apparently popular in Aalban. I rather liked it. Dinky tried to eat one of each at once and had to be saved from choking; it didn't help that her mother had done the same thing and they were flailing in unison.

...

"Not as good as a muffin but pretty good," Ditzy said afterwards.

I heard Rarity whispering something about examples to Ditzy, who looked embarrassed.

"Is there anything a pony can do to get a cutie mark around here?" Apple Bloom asked Celestia.

"Well, I would like each of you to help with the Moon Raising Ceremony," Luna said kindly to them. "Dinky, I will need you to make sure the sky is clear. Scootaloo, you will do the ceremonial dance with Moondancer. She will show you what to do. Sweetie Belle, I will want you to sing with me." Sweetie gasped at that. "Twist, you will recite the sacred verses. And Apple Bloom, I will need you to pass me the sacred mirror at the right time."

"Of course!" Apple Bloom said proudly. "I can pick things up better now!" she said excitedly. "I bet I could juggle now!"

Okay, Luna, I salute you. You'll have them eating out of your... if you had hands, they would eat out of your hands after this.

"Do you need us to do anything?" Twilight asked hopefully.

"You are our honored guests. You need merely watch. It wouldn't hurt to keep an eye out for portents, though," Luna said smoothly.

If I am going to be Celestia and Luna's little bitch, at least I will get to study with two masters of maneuvering people around the board of life.

*****************

We got to be in a viewing stand; it was a bit tricky for Ivan and I because it was basically designed for ponies to sit sphinx-style. I scrunched up between Rarity and Twilight, with Ivan between Dash and Applejack. Then I realized I could sit cross-legged, with a hand on Rarity's back for balance. She looked like she was contemplating something, then decided not to, whatever it was, and just adjusted her hat, which was currently feigning being a tiara; she was in her fancy red dress and I wore my red suit. Different shades, though.

Lyra had been drafted up to play with the orchestra; she and Octavia were carefully NOT looking at each other, but you could feel the tension. Bon-Bon was watching them intently.

Applejack looked a little nervous, probably because Apple Bloom was waving the sacred mirror (platinum with a silver frame that resembled lunar surface) around like it was a toy. Twist looked very serious at the podium and Dinky was running around behind everything set up for the show, busy making her horn glow. Wisps of cloud were vanishing as she worked, clearing the sky.

I assume normally weather ponies would have cleared it by now, but Luna had them relent so as to give Dinky a job. She was good at it, though, and her mother looked VERY proud.

Dash was sitting by Soarin' (as well as Ivan), and they now intertwined two of their forelegs, which I assume is the pony equivalent of holding hands. I smiled and pointed it out to Rarity, who smiled at them as well.

Scootaloo now came out with her cape on; they all had their capes on, in fact, though the hoods were down. They WANTED to be seen. Moondancer had put on a cape herself, with the night sky and the moon and stars on it.

Twilight grumbled about stars and Spike laughed at her softly, making her embarrassed.

"Have you ever seen this?" I asked Rarity.

I've seen it, but not with Luna.

"I have not seen it with Luna," Twilight said. "I have seen it with Celestia."

"Never, darling," Rarity said. "Have you?"

"I've never seen it," I lied. Dammit, I hate having to lie to her. And Twilight. And everyone.

"Since time immemorial," Twist said solemnly, "Ponies have dwelt here atop, on the sides of, and below the great plateau we call home. But when first we came here, we were slaves to the Orcs."

And now the song began, a song of mourning for the time of the suffering of ponies at the hands of the Orcs. Sweetie Belle looked to be on the verge of crying as she sang and her voice had a power I did not expect. Soon, everyone was crying or at least sorrowful. I could see Dash struggling not to cry; Soarin' was the same way and I could feel Rarity vibrate and tears ran down her face.

There was a very faint cloppety-clop of hooves and a pony sat down at the far end of the viewing stand, getting in among the foreign guests. But I had seen him. Black coat and a silver mane with the full moon on his flank. Full Moon. What was HE doing here?

Ivan didn't notice, too busy trying to avoid crying. He looked kind of silly, really but I was too busy crying to care.

"And then they came from the north, as had we, our liberators, Celestia and Luna, who led us to freedom, aided by the Elements of Harmony," Twist said.

Lights shone around Luna and Celestia and Moondancer and Scootaloo, who now somehow was black and blue in color, danced together, and I realized they were representing Celestia and Luna. Scootaloo looked utterly ecstatic as she danced and Moondancer smiled brightly.

I glanced at Full Moon, who apparently didn't care about not being mentioned. Was it really him or just a coincidence?

Sweetie sang a rousing marching tune now, one suitable for leading ponies to war, and the dance matched them and I could see the ponies rouse from sorrow to strength around me.

"They had many adventures," Twist said, "But when all was done, they had grown into their power and it was time for ponies to rise up. And the signal was prepared. The Orcs lived in the dark, thrived in it. So they would change that. They would bring LIGHT."

And now Apple Bloom held up the sacred mirror and it began to shine. Luna mounted the platform in the middle of this, as Scootaloo and Moondancer continued to dance; lights now twined around the two of them and Sweetie continued to sing powerfully. She sang of the night, the moon and the stars, its comforting embrace and its joys. Sweetie was glowing as well and lights danced around Apple Bloom and the mirror, the stars forming and converging on the three youngsters.

I could see Dona Carlotta and her boyfriend holding hands. I told myself not to look; they both looked so happy, though, and her father was right by them, watching with rapt attention. Silver Fork sat by them as well, looking fascinated, and I suddenly wondered if he was related to the Silver I met or the Ponyville Silvers.

"The day came and the signal was the rising of the twin lights," Twist said excitedly. Dinky stood with her now, reading with her, their voices blending together. "The sun and the MOON."

And now Apple Bloom stepped onto the platform and threw the mirror into the air and it began to shine brighter and brighter and Luna rose into the air with it, and the horizon glowed and then the moon rose as the dancers danced and Sweetie sang and the orchestra played and now everyone broke into song, singing up the moon together as Luna rose and the mirror overlapped the moon and shone brightly, then vanished.

Even the guests were singing now; you could hardly not sing, and I heard Full Moon's baritone most powerfully of all.

Moondancer leaped skyward, holding Scootaloo, spinning together, leaving a trail of sparkling dust and they 'flew' over Luna as she descended. Luna blew and the dust flew onto everyone, settling on us and sparkling; you could feel the power coming from the moon, almost see its light shining across Equestria, bringing Luna's blessing. I stared; I'd never seen this before after an Equestrian moonrise. It was different. I could feel something. Something good.

No one else seemed to be having any kind of reaction to this except Ivan, who was staring wide-eyed at the moon. It wasn't a human thing; the other humans here were oblivious. Had Full Moon / Asterius done something?

But the fillies, they were staring at the moon too. They felt it. And Luna and Celestia were smiling at each other and the moon.

And Full Moon, he knew. And... Twilight. She could tell something, though it pleased her.

The other Elements, though, seemed oblivious. If cheerful.

Scootaloo, Twist, Apple Bloom, Sweetie, and Dinky glowed softly with moonlight, as did Moondancer and Luna, as the ceremony finished and everyone scattered. Sweetie ran over to us. "Look!" she said, twirling around.

"You were magnificent," Rarity said, rising and nuzzling her. "I am VERY proud of you."

I gave her a hug when they finished. "I won't be surprised if you get a cutie mark for singing."

She checked, but no, not yet, though if she's that good without a cutie mark... "You should consider bardic training," I said. "Lyra can tell you about it. Scootaloo too."

Scootaloo... I didn't think that even a pony could be that happy. She was bouncing up and down in front of Rainbow Dash, who was smiling at her brightly.

That's when I saw a pony I recognized from descriptions. Duke Blueblood. I felt the immediate urge to wipe the smirk off his stupid looking face. He was talking cheerfully with some Aalbanese fellow; they were enjoying their conversation but I wanted to make him cry for what he did to Rarity.

Bastard.

I am not the violent type, though, and pony society doesn't favor violence. But if I can get in a cheap shot or ten on him, I will.

He must have felt my hate-gaze, as he turned and looked at me and his eyes widened and then he grimaced and turned back.

Fuck you too, Blueblood.

I heard Rarity make a noise.

"That's him, right?" I said softly.

She sighed. "Yes, it's him. Just ignore him, Marcus darling. He's not worth our time."

Amen to that.

I pointed out Full Moon to Rarity; her eyes widened. "What is he doing here?"

"Hopefully just here to see Ivan," I told her.

When he went over to Ivan and Ivan went off with him, that was confirmed.

The two of them slipped out, followed by Luna; Celestia rounded up the rest of us and took us to a large hall which had been turned into a party zone. A private party, just our mob and Celestia, though I expected Luna, Full Moon, and Ivan would join us soon.

Celestia came around and congratulated everyone and we all wandered around, talking, eating, and relaxing. And trying to run herd on the CMC. Who were hyper as all get out and Luna, who was supposed to talk to them, was absent.

I ended up organizing a card game with Applejack, Apple Bloom, Twist, Sweetie, and Pinkie. (Dinky wanted to play but her mother said no.) I studied my hand. Five of Flames, Six of Flames, Eight of Flames, Eight of Stones, Ten of Winds. I felt ambitious, so after the first round of bidding, I threw in the Eight of Stones and the Ten of Winds. Applejack threw in two cards, Apple Bloom four, Twist three, Sweetie four, and Pinkie...

Pinkie turned her cards upside down, then sideways, then lectured them sternly and threw all but one in.

Then she dealt out new cards to everyone. I now had the Five of Flames, the Six of Flames, the Eight of Flames, the Two of Flames, and the Jack of Flames. Not bad, but not awesome either.

Applejack studied her cards, then bid three silver bits. We were playing with silver and copper because, well, half the players were kids. I suspect she underbid to be careful. Probably has three of a kind again.

Apple Bloom studied her cards, manipulating them with her tail as her sister did. "Hmmm. I bid four bits."

"Raise four or you bid one over your sister?" I asked.

"Oh, umm... Actually, I raise by six... four. Four silver bits," Apple Bloom said, pushing her money out with a hoof.

"I...," Twist hesitated. She looked at Apple Bloom. "Fold."

Sweetie looked at me, her cards, Apple Bloom, Pinkie, her cards, me, her cards, Applejack, Rarity, Celestia, her cards, her hooves, her stack of coins, and then her cards. She took a drink of apple juice, then said, "I... I raise by three." She pushed her coins out.

Should have folded, I thought. I suspect she has garbage.

"I raise twenty," Pinkie said confidently.

The problem with playing poker with Pinkie is that she may, in fact, have anything whatsoever. I do not at all understand how she thinks.

IF she thinks.

I studied my cards. Who the hell knows what Pinkie has? But I feel confident. "I see Pinkie."

Applejack grimaced. "Fold."

She'll regret that.

"I see but don't raise," Apple Bloom said.

"FOLD," Twist said urgently.

Sweetie studied everything on earth, including her cards eight times. She looked at Pinkie. Finally, she flipped a coin. Celestia side up. "I see the bet," she said.

"Okay, betting's over, then," Pinkie said. "Show your STUFF."

I laid down my Jack high Flush.

Applejack cursed, though having folded, she didn't have to show her cards. Then she put a hoof to her mouth. "Sorry, kids."

"Damn! Shit!" Apple Bloom said, giggling. "I'm a big GLOWING pony now!"

"Don't go cursing 'cause I slipped up," Applejack said, embarrassed.

Apple Bloom sighed, laying down her cards. Three of Flames, Three of Winds, Three of Stones, Jack of Shadows, Ace of Shadows. "I had a three of a kind, but you beat me, Marcus. Dammit!"

"Stop cursing," Applejack said urgently.

"Since big ponies swear," Apple Bloom began.

"We shouldn't swear either, right, Marcus?"

"I keep my language as clean as the fallen snow, as perfect as Celestia's shining coat," I said.

As Sweetie laid down her full house, I stared, wondering why exactly she'd been so worried. "I lose, right?"

"You beat both of us," I said, and then Celestia settled down over me, catching me by surprise.

"Oh wait, this isn't a flush!" Pinkie said, then threw her cards down. Four Shadows... and one Stone. "Here you go, Sweetie."

"I WON!" Sweetie said excitedly.

Having won the three previous hands, I shouldn't mope.

Also, Celestia.

"You are such a flirt, Marcus," she said cheerfully to me. "Of course, *I* know you say that to all the girls."

DAMMIT CELESTIA.

"I was just being metaphorical, not flirting," I said quickly to Celestia. The last thing I need is everyone thinking Celestia and I are having an affair or something.

"So my theoretical, allegorical coat is pure, but not the real thing?" she said sadly.

"Don't make the Princess sad," Apple Bloom said sternly to me.

Sweetie was panicking for some reason, as if her oxygen had been cut off. Pinkie began shaking her. "Breathe! Breathe! Push! Push!"

Push?

"You have a beautiful, pure white shining coat, but I am not saying that in some sort of effort of seduction!" I said to her frantically.

"Well, how am I supposed to tell?" she said to me cheerfully but pointedly.

I don't get it. It's not like I've been going around seducing pony women. Or men. Or whatever.

"I'm a human," I mumbled.

"Which doesn't matter to me any more than it did to Father and Mother," she said cheerfully.

I was about to ask something, then realized fillies present. In Elvish, I said to her, "Fillies are present and probably should not be encouraged to get ideas in their head which would lead to trouble. Or their parents wanting to kill us." I hope I got it right, I haven't spoken Elvish seriously since I fled Belcadiz.

" 'Us'," she said cheerfully in Elvish. "It has such a lovely ring to it."

DAMMIT CELESTIA.

"Sweetie, are you okay?" I said to Sweetie.

"Princess, people might get the wrong idea!" Sweetie said frantically.

"We're just friends," Celestia said. "This is perfectly normal between friends, right?" She looked at me with one eye.

CELESTIA, DAMMIT!

What is she getting at? I haven't been... Okay, Rarity and I do play the game of ladies and gentlemen, but I don't think she's serious about it. She's a pony, I'm a human and we're just good friends. Now if she was human...

Though with shapeshifting magic...

Even with that, I certainly can't date someone when I'm hiding things from them. Which I wish I didn't have to but once it comes out, I die.

Dammit.

It would help if Applejack looked less amused.

And if I wasn't worrying about Ivan.

I am being drawn into a trap and I don't even know HOW. Or what it is.

My body solved this with its usual solution: abject panic. However, with Celestia on me, I could not actually run, I just made incoherent noises as my brain spun in place.

I tried to think coherently but the feeling TRAP TRAP TRAP TRAP TRAP TRAP was inescapable. TRAP TRAP TRAP TRAP TRAP.

Want to run so much.

Can't run.

Can't BREATHE.

"Princess, you're embarrassin' him," Applejack said hesitantly. "Marcus, Princess Celestia is just very affectionate. She don't mean nothin' by it and she won't banish you to the moon or nothin' if you say no."

BREATHE.

Apple Bloom for some reason, decided the solution was to tickle my nose with her tail. This caused me to sneeze, which oddly restored breathing.

I mumbled something incoherent about something. Who knows, my brain was trying to right itself.

"I'm fine," I said in a way clearly not fine. "I expect many in your court would get the wrong idea, though," I said. "Or others."

Applejack's eyes flared slightly. "Well, that's true."

Sweetie made incoherent panicked noises, while Apple Bloom said, "What's got you all shook up, Sweetie?"

No one else seemed to be paying us any attention. "Do you know when Ivan is going to be back?"

"Soon," Celestia said. "I should probably be with them, but I couldn't leave you all on your own. And we need to discuss serious business, anyway."

Sweetie ran and stuck her head in the punch bowl for some reason.

...

"Sweetie!" I said, rising and running over. "Use a glass. Everyone has to share that."

"I'm sorry," she said in a panic.

I began wiping her head. "Also, if you do, don't stick your head in completely."

"Okay," she mumbled.

"Sweetie, what's wrong?" Twist said, clearly worried.

"I'm okay," Sweetie said weakly. "I just got thirsty."

Okay, I am just a teacher, not a parent, but even I know something's going on.

Rarity now came over. "Sweetie," she said, sounding frustrated. "Don't do that."

"I won't do it again," Sweetie said. "I wasn't thinking." She sounded a little evasive. "I'm sorry."

Was she trying to get me out of something that embarrassed me? I think so. You are very kind, Sweetie. I'll get you something nice later in thanks. "It's okay," I told her. "It's late and you should probably be in bed."

"I have to talk to Luna!" she said urgently.

I am starting to worry about that.

"Why don't you sit with me and we'll play some hands together?" I told her. "And you should apologize to Rarity too."

"No pooling your winnings!" Apple Bloom protested.

"I'm sorry, big sister," Sweetie said to Rarity, who nuzzled her.

"It's okay, you're tired," Rarity said, then poured her a glass of the punch. "Celestia, if Luna doesn't return soon, we're going to need to put the fillies to bed."

"I'm fine!" Dinky said, then yawned.

"I can put them to bed," Ditzy said.

"We'll help unless you need us, Celestia," Lyra said.

"You should stay," Celestia said, which made them both nervous. "Luna can talk to them in the morning. Ditzy Doo, if you would put them all to bed, I would be grateful." She whistled up two servants to assist and the three of them now tried to hustle the children.

Good luck there.

Hustling children is hard to do.

**************

Once they were gone, we went over everything that happened on the trip with Celestia. I continued to fret.

"She will likely strike at us," Twilight concluded. "Trying to get revenge and to get Marcus' sword. She can't find it, however, unless it's in falchion form, we think."

"Which means probably the best way to draw her out is for me to carry it around in falchion form," I said, wincing at the thought of painting 'EAT ME' on myself.

"We can't ask you to be bait," Twilight said, frowning.

"Unless we can find her lair and take this to her, finding a place we can turn into our own trap and luring her and the Elements of Power into it is probably the best plan," I said. "Much as I would rather not be bait. But she wants me and my sword." I remembered her words and I shivered. 'Fine, but this is not the end. Tell Celestia, she will regret this. And you, 'Samus Marcus', you will die your final death soon and I will have my sword BACK. There is no one who can protect you from me, Marcus. Your luck cannot protect you forever. I know you now and I will find you. Enjoy your final days, for soon, they will END!'

She's probably an immortal and she wants me dead and I want to just scream and run until I fall off the plateau. Even knowing I won't come back this time.

I have a patron, but she enjoys fucking with my mind and she knows everything and is probably going to keep pushing until I go stark raving mad and DIE. And I have to put myself in danger, anyway.

DAMMIT. I had mostly managed to shove aside what she said, but now... I wanted to scream.

"Marcus, you don't have to do this," Twilight said urgently.

"She told me she is going to see me dead," I told Twilight. "I could..." I shivered. "She will come for me anyway, so better I be bait with a chance to stop her than be bait anyway."

"I won't let her have you," Dash said hotly. That's how she is. She'd follow a friend into the five hells of the five fiends.

"Thanks, Dash," I said.

"You will not stand alone," Rarity said firmly. She sat by me, sphinx-style, but she now patted my leg. "We will protect you."

"Thank you," I told her.

"You can do it," Applejack said firmly to me.

Do what?

Not die horribly, I hope.

"I have an idea," Celestia said. "It is, however, dependent on us finding where she is lairing."

"Those lockpicks Ivan just got would be a huge benefit to a break-in," I said.

"I am thinking we could exploit your resemblance to her servants by dressing some of you up as your evil twins to infiltrate her base," Celestia said.

...

"Ooooh, sounds fun," Pinkie said. "I like costumes."

"It would, of course, require Marcus and Twilight to pretend to be in love and Rarity and Spike to do the same," Celestia said. "Which might be too much to ask."

DAMN YOU CELESTIA!!!!!!

"I'll do it! I can fake being Rarity's boyfriend totally," Spike said excitedly.

Spitfire looked at me and I contemplated self-immolation.

"I...ummm..." Twilight laughed nervously. "I'm not a very good actor... and I wouldn't want to... umm... ahahaha." She was completely ungluing.

Rarity said, "An interesting idea, but I don't know if we could pass muster with someone who knew them well." Her voice was smooth and calm, while my insides churned like the raging sea.

I envied her that.

"Well, we can think about it. We'd have to find their base, anyway," Pinkie said. "Is she really a dragon or an alicorn or what?"

"We have to figure that out," Celestia said. "I expect there is more to her anger with me than just all of you, though she may be that petty." She looked thoughtful. "If she is the Moon Dragon, we have had some past problems with her, though I think the office has actually changed holders since then."

"Office?" Applejack asked.

"Draconic ascension to Immortality is different from that of the other sentient races; there are certain 'offices' which convey Immortal status on the holder. The Moon Dragon watches over the Colored Dragons, who tend to be chaotic in nature. Luna and I had trouble with the previous holder of the office many, many years ago," Celestia said, frowning. "But several hundred years ago, it changed hands. I had understood that the new one was still getting used to her power and spent much of her time out in the planes. But if she is Marquetta, then she must have turned her attention finally to the Prime," Celestia said, frowning. The Prime is the plane of existence which is for mortals only; Immortals are forbidden to enter except in mortal form or when allowed by the Council of Intrusion. It is the plane we dwell on.

This doesn't stop them meddling, mind you.

"She has," Full Moon said. "I don't know exactly when, but she is still young and naive, powerful enough to take her office but not yet wise enough to know either how to serve it responsibly or to abuse it sensibly." He shook his head, then came over to Celestia and they nuzzled each other gently. "It is very good to see you, niece."

Lyra and Bon-Bon made noises; I'd forgotten they were here and I still don't know why Celestia summoned them.

"It is wonderful to see you, Uncle. Your follower was a great help to my dear friends, the Elements of Harmony and their friends," Celestia said warmly. There was an oddly shy look to her which I was stunned to see. "You saw the moon raising, right?"

"Yes," he said. "It was beautiful and working well now, I see. Good luck on that."

"Without my sister, I was much less than I could be," Celestia said simply. "And I owe it all to my dear friends and my dear student, Twilight."

The Elements all turned a little red and Twilight made a happy noise like a filly.

Wait, where's Ivan and Luna?

Luna answered this by surprise-nuzzling me. I was caught off-guard, but then relaxed; she was very gentle and I could tell... had she been crying? And I still didn't see Ivan, which worried me. "We must talk," she said softly.

"Where is Ivan?"

"In a practice room," she said. "He'll be back soon."

In a practice room?

"Luna, come over," Celestia said and she did and the three of them cuddled for a short time.

"I must go again," Full Moon said. "I will send you whatever I may find out."

"Thank you, uncle," Celestia said warmly. She glanced around. "Where is Ivan?"

"He went to a practice room to get a little exercise," Full Moon said.

At this hour?

I could tell the ponies knew something odd was up, but what?

"I could use some exercise," Dash said, rising and running off.

I should go check on him but I can't just run out of this meeting. Dammit.

Lyra finally said, "Your highness, umm... Why are we here? Bon-Bon and I?"

Celestia sighed. "Certain agents of Minrothad have been looking into you two. I do not know why but I prefer you to be here, and safe under my protection, then where you might fall into danger unexpected."

Lyra stared, eyes wide. "What?"

She looked at all of us. "I know agents of Minrothad showed up looking for Erik of Vestland at White Plume Mountain. This was not that group, I think, but do any of you know of any reason why Minrothad might have taken an interest in Lyra and Bon-Bon?"

Not because of me, I hope. I had a ton of students at Celestia's school. "Is it just them?" I asked.

"Apparently," Celestia said.

Bon-Bon certainly has no connection to me.

"But I'm just a candymaker," Bon-Bon said weakly.

"I want it to appear you just tagged along for fun," Celestia said. "I'm sure they won't try anything in the palace, but I do not wish them to know I know."

"I honestly can't imagine why they would care about me," Lyra said, baffled.

"Your harp isn't made in Minrothad, right?" I asked.

"It's fine Heldaan craftsmanship," she said. The Heldaan Freeholds are WAY in the back of beyond, north of the Northern Reaches, but south of Norwold. A crazy order of cleric-knights who serve Vanya (Immortal of War) rule it.

"While you are here, I'd be glad if you could play with our royal orchestra," Celestia continued.

Lyra twitched. "But... you already have a harpist."

"He is eager to work with you," Celestia said, smiling.

You poor bastard.

"Bon-Bon, you can stick with Twist and I and we'll make BEAUTIFUL candy together," Pinkie said to Bon-Bon.

"Thank you," Bon-Bon said. "Twist has been studying with me." She sounded proud. "She will be a great candy-maker one day."

"Oooh, this is a chance for one of my best candy ideas ever. We'll need Rainbow Dash to help, though," Pinkie said.

"She makes candy?" Bon-Bon said in surprise.

"We will need her if we're going to candify a RAINBOW," Pinkie said. "Ever since I tasted a rainbow, I wanted to make a candy out of rainbows."

...

"Interesting," Bon-Bon said.

We began discussing ideas for how to trap the Elements of Power and/or Marquetta/Marjorie. Ivan and Dash returned, very sweaty; Ivan looked fairly relaxed now.

It eventually got late enough that everyone was ready for bed. Luna, however, took me with her, back to her office. "If Celly sneaks into your bedroom tonight, just punch her lightly on the nose," Luna told me.

...

She laughed softly. "I'm joking. She won't take it that far, I think."

I sank down into the nice padded chair, yawning. "What happened?"

"Ivan tagged along with us, hidden, while we did some investigations," Luna said, then frowned. "She had forgotten. I knew Bastet was flighty, but..."

"Go on?" I said, frowning. Bastet was a Nithian immortal, but of late, she's been more concerned with the rakasta (cat-people). "Was I a Rakasta or something?"

"I am not sure. Bastet was not very cooperative. Also..." She grimaced. "Bastet saw you as an experiment and I get the impression, she engaged in... tampering." Luna frowned deeply. "She was rather uncooperative, but after you got killed when you were Dimitri, she lost interest in you. But her experimenting has something to do with the chaos which tends to surround you and you returning from the grave. Bastet has an interest in chaos, very unusual for a Matter Immortal," Luna continued, frowning more.

"Is this office secure?" I asked.

She blinked and nodded.

"Was she trying to create an uncorrupted Entropy immortal?" I asked softly.

Her eyes widened.

"Twilight has a gentle heart and a big mouth and trusts very easily," I told her. "That is not to say I am flawless. Too much trust is a better flaw than being easily scared shitless." I sighed and slumped in the chair. "So I was a cat's plaything."

"Tell me what you remember of the owlbear incident."

I told her what little I remember.

"I couldn't get the full story yet. Uncle is going to look into it," Luna said, frowning. "That sounds to me like you died protecting her."

"Yes," I said softly, staring at the floor.

"Good for you," Luna said. "If that counted as failing for Bastet, then she is a fool," Luna said hotly. She paused and took a sip of liquid moonlight from a half-empty glass which had been on her desk when we arrived. "I'm sorry, would you like some?"

"Just a little," I said and she poured it for me. "I don't remember her at all," I confessed. "So much of it is a blur."

"Typically, all memories are removed and only regained when you finish," Luna said. "But you never actually 'finished'. I believe Bastet tampered with the sword so it would do the work of reincarnating you and she could claim no connection to her experiment if she had to. Whatever exactly it was. You may well be right."

I licked my lips. "You know what we saw, right?" I said to her desk, nervous about looking right at her.

"That I was Nightmare Moon," she said.

"Yes," I told her. "But Twilight and her friends brought you back."

"I was young and foolish and proud," Luna said. "I made many mistakes and I will be atoning for a very long time. You have things you regret, don't you?" She clearly knew I did. I'm not sure if that means she knows about me being Erik, as I got the impression she'd kill me for that.

"Yes," I told her. "I do." Like running away from Twilight. Blowing everything in a moment of panic. I didn't even say goodbye. She's going to hate me for that when she finds out the truth.

"The two important things are to apologize and atone for what you've done," Luna said. "I will be doing that for a long time."

I nodded. "I tend to panic before I can even think of that," I confessed.

"I noticed," she said and I winced. "But with time, you will get over that. Now that you have less reason to fear."

"Beyond an Immortal determined to kill me," I told the floor.

She sipped her drink and I sipped mine. "She will not have you," Luna said. "May I mark you? I wish to place you under my protection as well."

"Yes," I said softly. I felt... a certain kindredness of spirit. Her passion on my behalf... it touched me.

NOT LIKE THAT.

She smiled and came over and kissed my forehead. I felt a tingle, then she sighed. "I can remove that, you know. The horn. Celly should have asked."

"She was covering my stupid flapping of my mouth and I need a reminder to *shut up* sometimes," I told her. "And she came to my aid when I was lost." For all that she wants me to repay her by going insane with fear.

"In the long term, we will have to clean up your messes, you know," she said to me. "In the short term, though, we will deal with Marjorie before we worry about any of that."

I rose and bowed to her, going to one knee. "As milady commands."

"And you are not allowed to set Duke Blueblood on fire," she said.

Damn.

"As milady commands."

"He considers her to have sinned against him, you know," she said, then sighed. "I know it was necessary but to see his line come to this..." She shook her head. "I knew his distant ancestor who founded the line. *He* was a man," Luna said.

"I know, I saw him," I told her. "What you did was very risky."

"I was young, foolish, invincible," she said to me. "I burned to avenge my people and buy their freedom. And I am glad I did. But now I am older and wiser and more cautious, like you. We have both passed through fire. A lot of fire." She sighed and finished her glass. "I know fear now," she said, and sighed. "As do you. I will do my best to guide and protect you," Luna said to me.

"You trust me much to tell me all this," I said softly.

"Trust is a leap in the dark," she said. "And I am the queen of the dark. But I have stars to light my way and I trust them." Her lips quirked into a smile. "And you know how I am when I get angry."

"Ahahaha," I laughed nervously.

"Let this begin a new era for you," she said. "As I have begun one myself." I yawned and she said, "I should let you sleep. Rarity and Sweetie are probably worried about you."

"Sweetie is, I pray, completely unconscious and blissfully unaware," I told Luna. "Rarity, on the other hand, may still be up."

"We will talk more tomorrow," Luna said.

"Wait," I said. "There is another thing." I yawned. "The Elements of Power. I think it possible we may be able to bring them around but they will need a patron or they will evaporate."

"Just what I was thinking," Luna said to me. "I am willing to take them under my wing."

I gave a sigh of relief. "They fought to protect the children. And it will make Pinkie very happy."

"Even more incentive," Luna said. "Let us get you to bed, then I have to go see my ministers."

We rose and headed out.

***************

I walked into our suite; Sweetie was asleep in the middle of the bed with a cloth over her eyes. Rarity was in the corner, sitting sphinx style, quietly sewing a cape and humming a little tune; she'd already dressed for bed. "Hello, Marcus darling," she said softly. "How did it go?"

I came over and sat down by her. "Close your eyes," I said softly.

She blinked and did so and I gently took her hoof and brought it up to my invisible horn. Her breath caught, and then I slowly lowered her hoof to the ground once more. "Celestia and Luna have marked me as theirs," I whispered to her. Best we not wake up Sweetie.

She licked her lips nervously. "Earlier..."

"That was Celestia just trying to make me die of embarrassment," I told her. I should ask her, but now I'm afraid to. I should tell her everything but I'm afraid to do that too. But I have to. Especially...

We are close, but... I don't even know how to tell with a pony, really. Or whether... AAAARGH.

Too many questions, no answers, can't go forward, can't retreat, can't run away.

"We should go to bed," she said.

"I'm going to get clean and change; I'll join you soon," I told her.

I now made a surprising discovery. I now had my tattoo on BOTH buttocks. What the hell? I'm pretty sure I just had it on one before.

Dammit, this will make it even HARDER to hide it.

"Is something wrong?" Rarity asked from outside the bathroom.

I'm externalizing my internal monologue again. Crap.

"I'm fine, I just dropped the soap," I told her.

I heard hoof shuffling noises and my eyes crossed.

Do not run screaming away, I told myself.

I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around myself, then opened the door a little. "Are you okay?" I asked. Towel, STAY UP.

She licked her lips nervously, looked back at the bed, where Sweetie was flailing. "Sweetie kept kicking me," she said and sighed.

"I'll be done in a minute," I told her. "We can... umm... something. I have no idea what to do about that."

"We'll figure out something, darling," she said, smiling. She seemed to have her footing back.

I closed the door and finished bathing, dried myself off, and then came back out. We ended up having to wake Sweetie... then get her back to sleep, which took FOREVER.

Sleep finally ate me alive and it was a BLESSING.

**************

Rarity shaved me in the morning; I like to be clean shaven. "Luna and Celestia have a busy morning but we will meet with Luna to make plans this afternoon, which means we have the morning to ourselves."

"Well, we could go see Canterlot," I told her. "I could do with more clothing and I have money."

"Since there isn't time or materials or all my tools here, yes," she said. "And I should check on new fashion."

"Sounds fun," I told her. "We should probably get Sweetie more formal clothing too. Or does she have plans?"

"Dash is going to take the kids hang-gliding," Rarity said. "So we can have a little time alone without child-wrangling."

Good. I like Sweetie, but those kids... you have to wrangle them all the time or they run riot. "I'd take your arm, but it would make it hard for you to walk," I said.

She laughed and then looked thoughtful. "It would be hard for you as well." She put on a purple dress and donned her magical hat. I donned mine and we headed out. Breakfast was at a pastry shop she recommended. The fruit tarts were VERY good, I have to say.

We then went walking around what I assume is the noble and wealthy merchant shopping district, with me doing a lot of commentary on how various outfits looked. Rarity also picked up some expensive fabrics for outfits and spent some time studying fashions for male stallions as well. Logical, given I'm sure half her customers are men.

I got a lot of odd looks, understandably. You have humans in Canterlot, but most stores here either cater to ponies or bipeds but not both. One exception was Five Horse Hitch, which actually had outfits for humanoids and ponies. Rarity wasn't too happy with their pony fashions, but I got to show off in several outfits. "I like this black one a lot," she told me, when I got to suit number four.

So I bought it. I love having a bag full of coins and gems. It's like having infinite potential. I just have to be careful not to blow it all.

I wore said black suit out and stowed my red suit in Rarity's saddlebags. You know, you could shoplift like crazy with those. Not that Rarity ever would.

Gives me ideas, but I'm not going to do anything to get Rarity in trouble.

We passed a jeweler and I saw something I had to get. Not for me; for Rarity. Earrings of the constellation the Archer with fine platinum chains holding little topazes in place to act as the stars. And each topaz glowed softly. Simple magic, but effective. "I have to run in here," I told her.

"So tempted," she mumbled, then shook her head. "I had best stay out here," she said, though her eyes clearly coveted most of what was on display.

"Be right back," I told her, then went in. The jeweler was a green coated, blue and red maned earth pony stallion wearing a jeweler's loop and one of those collars that ponies often wear to indicate formality, professionalism, or rank. "Good day, sir. I would like to sell you two jewels and buy something from your window."

I laid out two rubies. He studied them, then said, "Elvish style but human made. Nicely done. White Plume Mountain?"

I started. "How did you know?"

He showed me one of the facets. It had a tiny 'K' on it. "Keraptis has gnomes who dig up gems inside his volcano," he said. "Very high quality. What are you looking for?"

I pointed it out and he got it. He also looked outside at Rarity, who was very clearly staring down the street and NOT looking at the window AT ALL. I smiled a little and so did he.

He studied me assessingly and I made the earrings dance in the air. I could feel... I think I was sensing my own magic with the horn Celestia stuck on me. Very strange feeling. His eyes widened slightly, and he said, "Interesting. Well, this will definitely please her."

"I hope so. She has been very generous to me and I wish to repay her."

We haggled, set a price and I got some change back. Then I brought them out to her, in a small box. "For you, fair lady Rarity."

Her eyes widened. "For me?"

"Of course," I said. "A doubly apt gift, for the fair lady and archer."

She smiled brightly and put them on immediately. "Thank you, Marcus darling. I hope they're accurate or Twilight will complain."

I laughed. "She will no doubt try to fix them if they are not but they look right to me. She's the expert, though."

"I will have to buy you something, darling," she said thoughtfully.

"As you like, fair lady," I told her. I really can't tell if she fancies me or if she just plays the game well. Or decide what I want. Celestia could have been hinting about her or Twilight.

Dammit, she is going to kill me so much when I tell her. But I'm going to have to.

For a moment, the urge to run away was intense, but then Rarity asked, "What's wrong, Marcus?"

"Let's find a cafe. I could use a snack and a drink and I have to tell you something." Before I lose the guts to do so.

***********

We stopped at a nuts and coffee cafe. They had a bunch of kinds of nuts and nut-derived goods and they had coffee and tea. I got some Sindhi coffee, nice and black. Rarity got a coffee with so much fruit juice, milk, special blending, chocolate, etc, that it was hardly even coffee.

And I had a nice bowl of cashews. Rarity got mixed nuts. I would have gotten it but it had almonds in it, which I hate.

"It would appear I've been reincarnating for a century or so," I told Rarity. "I was seeking immortality on the path of the Polymath, which requires reincarnation and repeating the same quest over and over in a series of lives. But something went wrong when I got killed saving Yalla after we raided Marquetta's lair. My patron, Bastet, abandoned me and I kept reincarnating, due to my sword. But it only works every few months." I sipped my coffee. I need to talk to Fluttershy.

She sipped her drink and ate some nuts, frowning. "She abandoned you?" Her voice was taut.

"Yes," I told her. "Luna talked to her, but she wasn't very communicative." I sighed. "Anyway, much of my past is still a blur but Luna and Celestia have put their mark on me and I serve them now."

"And gave you a horn," she said softly.

I laughed nervously. "I can feel magic through it."

"Yes," she said. "I wonder if this means you can get a Cutie Mark now." She looked thoughtful as she raised her cup to her lips, drinking delicately.

"I can join the Cutie Mark Crusaders," I said, then we both laughed.

"I think they'd be thrilled," Rarity said. "Thank you for being so helpful with Sweetie."

"She's a good girl," I told her. "Kids are rambunctious but they can't help it."

"Anyway, I can teach you about using it," Rarity said. "Your horn. I wish I could see it."

"Hmm, Twilight probably has a spell for seeing invisible things she could teach you," I told her. "Or cast for you."

"So you've turned into many different kinds of creatures?" Rarity said thoughtfully, then worked on her nuts.

"Yes, but I'm not sure what, though I think definitely Elves, Humans, Dwarves, and Halflings." I told her. "Most of my recent memories are all human, I think."

"Ever been a Pony?" she asked lightly.

I sipped my coffee thoughtfully, waiting to see if I was going to flashback.

No flashback, but that could just mean I am no longer going senile due to a soul-patch from Celestia and Luna. Or that having twice the tattoo is warding my mind. Which would mean my mind is in my butt. Sadly, that wouldn't surprise me too much at this point.

"I don't remember being a pony but I hardly remember a lot of it," I told her.

"You should try it," she said.

Is that flirting or is it just her thinking being a pony is cool because she is pony the way I am wondering what human Rarity would look like. "I would need some proper pony clothing," I said. "Or I'd get embarrassed"

"That can be arranged," she said, making her scissors come out and fly around.

I couldn't say no now. "I will give it a try some time," I said, knowing I was setting my DEATH SENTENCE by doing so.

She smiled brightly. "If there is a costume party, we could each go as the other's species."

I laughed. "I fear it would be hard for me to pass as you, without the use of your hat, anyway."

"Tell me what you know about the reincarnation," she said and I told her what I knew as we snacked and drank.

"And Marquetta simply is angry over the sword and you taking it," Rarity said.

"Yes," I said.

I hope she can't attack us here, though Rarity fights well.

"Anyway, you and Luna and Celestia are the only ones who know the whole thing," I told her. "Twilight knows a fair amount; she helped to study me. I think I was starting to wear out by now, though." I frowned at the thought. "If I seem afraid, it's because I've seen too many friends and acquaintances get hurt or die."

"It's okay," Rarity said, patting my hand with a hoof. She took a sip of her 'coffee' and then said, "It makes you gentler than many humans and I like that."

"Thanks," I told her.

"I've met humans before, but I know you and Ivan the best," she said, then finished off her coffee. She studied the inside of her glass and ate more of her mixed nuts.

I munched on cashews and said, "I've met lots of ponies. I think even Odo knew ponies, as he came from Minrothad."

"I've noticed you seem quite comfortable with us."

"Is that unusual?" I said. "Ponies are quite easy to get along with as long as you have basic manners."

"A lot of humans have a hard time treating us as adults," Rarity said. "In my experience and the stories I've heard." She paused. "Those of us who ARE adults, that is."

"I'm a big pony!," I said, imitating Apple Bloom and Rarity laughed. "Look at my TAIL."

Rarity laughed even more. "Yes."

"Only a fool would not treat you as adults after what I've seen," I told her. "You are a magnificent archer, mighty in your wrath, and a brilliant fashion designer, insightful and generous."

She smiled. "You are such a flatterer Marcus, you are very gracious and charming and a pleasure to spend time with. And also quite intelligent."

I wish I was quite intelligent. "Thank you, fair lady." I finished my coffee. "Ready to go?"

She paused, looked nervous, looked around at the many ponies present, then said, "Let's go."

We then hit up a pair of fashion places which catered to bipeds. One of them was an extension of a Thyatian chain of boutiques, the other run by a mix of ponies and bipeds.

The first one made me rather nervous because there was a picture of Erik of Vestland with the offer of 50,000 Thyatian gold coins for my head, posted just inside the place. Rarity bought me a nice black and gold outfit as a thank you for the earrings. But I got out of there as quickly as I could, discreetly.

The second one, we browsed endlessly without buying anything. Or at least I didn't. Rarity was busy wandering around through the women's section, studying things while I lost myself in clothing.

Lots of things I would have liked to buy but I am trying to be cautious and not just blow everything in an orgy of purchases like I usually do. Having someone with me helped.

We were about to go get lunch when a letter fell on my head. It was from Twilight, inviting us to meet her and her parents for lunch at a cafe in town. I was a little nervous, though surely they won't recognize me, but I couldn't say no.

So we headed off to The Oak Nook, which was inside a huge oak tree. To my surprise, Fluttershy was with Twilight, though I soon saw it was because the place had a lot of animals who assisted the staff. There were platforms on some of the branches of the tree or you could eat in the main dining; we were out on a branch over the street. Twilight's mother, Night Shining and her father, Crescent Moon, were here, dressed for work (admittedly this meant a formal collar, a tie for him, a starry cloak for her, and semi-conical hats for both of them). Her father is an astronomer and her mother is a diviner. I suppose Crescent Moon probably answers to Princess Luna now.

Stay calm, no fear, they can't know who I am.

As we approached, down in the street, there was a thunder of hooves and some crazy dark haired Northman roared down the street in a black chariot pulled by black stallions.

Wait...

Oh great, that lunatic Magnus is here.

Magnus is from the Soderfjord Jarldoms, but acts as security officer for an estate of a wealthy Alphatian down in the Ierendi islands. This leaves him a lot of free time during which he gets in trouble. I had an encounter with him which ended with me throwing myself off a ship to get away from him because... okay, I DID do it.

But I wasn't going to let a crazy Northman take me captive.

I still don't understand why he rides around in a chariot but hopefully, I won't have to find out.

Twilight's parents watched him go, surprised. Fluttershy was too busy cuddling the squirrel who brought her menu to care. Twilight blinked.

"Hello, everyone," Rarity said. "I am Rarity Belle, a friend of Twilight's, and this is my dear friend, Samus Marcus of Thyatis, special agent of Celestia and Luna, a unicorn human."

"It's a pleasure to meet you," I said, bowing. "Your daughter is both intelligent and wise, a strong combination. You raised her well." Kissing parent ass, something I am good at as long as they don't hate me on sight.

I decided not to go for the formal hand... hoof kiss, given they're more academic than aristocratic. I would have pulled up a chair for Rarity... but no chairs. Which will make this tricky for me.

A badger now brought me a bean bag, which will have to do. Hopefully, there's some things edible for humans here.

"Thank you," Crescent Moon said, studying me and especially my sword.

Night Shining smiled, but said, "There are human unicorns?" She looked understandably confused.

The salt shaker, shaped like a cute bunny, now danced at my command. "My horn is invisible, so I can do covert operations," I told them.

Their eyes widened for a moment, then they relaxed. I then realized Twilight didn't know about the horn, but didn't seem surprised. I guess Celestia told her.

Fluttershy finally looked up from animal cuddling. "Hello, Rarity," she said, smiling. "Hello, Marcus."

"Marcus, this is my father, Crescent Moon, and my mother, Night Shining. Father works for the Star Ministry as an astronomer and Mother works for the Information Ministry as a Diviner," Twilight said.

"It's nice to meet you," Night Shining said. "Do you live here in Canterlot, then?"

"I live wherever the Princesses choose to send me," I told them. I wonder how much Twilight has told them about our mission.

"Some of it is classified," Twilight said apologetically.

"Are you involved in the Erik of Vestland case?" Night Shining asked.

STAY CALM. I'd likely break a leg if I jumped from this height, anyway.

"Which case?" I asked. "There are a lot of open ones, I think." TWITCH DO NOT SHOW TWITCH.

I studied the menu. It was a mix of pony-only items (like hay salads), human edible vegetarian (the bean soup looked pretty good, in fact), and several items that were expensive but had MEAT (STEAK TIME!!!!)

"Fluttershy, is this place run by druids?"

"Yes," she said. "One of the cooks is an Elf, so I recommended it."

"Thank you," I told her.

"Apparently he stole the harem of a Thyatian Ambassador and mocked your emperor, AND wore some sort of sacred hat," Crescent Moon said. "And a lot of other things, but that was the main incident I'm involved with."

"The Sacred Hat of Valerias," Night Shining said. "And something about a sandwich."

"A criminal sandwich?" I said, trying to sound amused.

"He was in White Plume Mountain along with a double of some kind," Fluttershy said.

DAMMIT FLUTTERSHY!!!!!

"I'm currently dealing with the aftermath of our trip to the Malpheggi," I told Night Shining. "Is the Information Bureau looking for him?"

"They were slaves," Twilight said. "Thyatian harems DESERVE to be free." Her voice was firm.

"I agree," I said. "How did a sacred hat and a sandwich come into it, though?" The sacred hat was, in fact, a much older incident.

I think.

Rarity studied the menu, listening quietly. Fluttershy was now busy talking to a raven.

"The list of accusations are rather long and confusing and some of them seem unsubstantiated," Night Shining said. "But some of them are clearly his fault." She sighed. "He seemed like such a nice boy but it's clear he needs to go to jail."

"He does NOT need to go to jail! I'm sure there's a good reason for all those FALSE accusations," Twilight said, clearly annoyed.

"Dear, I know you liked him but the evidence is pretty strong that he committed crimes, even if some of them would not be considered crimes in Equestria," Night Shining said. "And you will likely never see him again, so you really ought to move on."

"He was at White Plume Mountain, but we missed him," Fluttershy said.

The waitress now arrived, a chestnut pony with a green mane in pig-tails. She had glasses on and a silver torc. "Hello, everyone," she said. "Welcome to The Oak Nook." She put down glasses of black tea for Twilight's parents and apple juice for Fluttershy and coffee with cream and sugar for Twilight. "I can take your orders and the drink orders for the new guests."

"I'll have some apple juice," I said. Best not to have too much coffee.

"Orange juice for me, dear," Rarity said, still studying her menu.

Everyone began ordering; I ordered the bean soup and the steak. Elven steak is very good.

Once the waitress was gone, Twilight said, "I am NOT waiting for him! I have lots of things in my life and I do not mope about it! But I don't like people badmouthing him."

Hello, guilt. Hello knife in gut. Twist, twist that knife, guilt. Damn you, guilt.

"Rarity, I like your earrings," Fluttershy said, smiling. "They're very pretty."

Bless you, Fluttershy.

"Marcus bought them for me," Rarity said, turning to show them off to Twilight and her parents.

"Ooh, the Archer," Crescent Moon said. "An excellent choice. The archer is focused and insightful, striking to the heart of the matter," he said. "A good match for you, from what Twilight has told us."

"They're very lovely," Night Shining said, approvingly.

"I agree, they really suit you," Fluttershy said.

"Thank you," Rarity said, basking in the praise like a cat in the sun. "I bought Marcus the suit he's wearing as a token of my appreciation."

I rose and turned so they could see it all.

"The glows do not match their orders of magnitude," Twilight said.

I glared at her. TWILIGHT!

"But it's very pretty," she said hastily. "It looks wonderful, Rarity."

Now, though, Twilight's parents studied me assessingly. Urk. I hope I didn't just remind me... remind THEM of Erik.

"Thank you, Twilight," Rarity said.

"Anyway, there's a large price on his head now," Night Shining said. "Which means some lunatic bounty hunter will likely catch him and turn him over to the Thyatians."

ACK.

Rarity frowned. "We saw a posting. Fifty thousand gold is quite a lot."

RARITY!!!!

Twilight grimaced, clearly unhappy. You and me both!

Our food came now and we all began eating, while Twilight fumed and her mother continued to natter on about how Erik was being hunted and Twilight needed to forget he ever existed, while her father looked embarrassed but didn't DO anything about it.

My steak was perfect, the beans were okay but not awesome. Fluttershy's tomato salad looked much better, though I wouldn't have fed half of it to various small animals.

I could tell Rarity wasn't happy with listening to Twilight's mother beat her point to death with a hammer, but wasn't going to stick herself inbetween a mother and a daughter. I kept my mouth shut for fear of somehow giving myself away.

Magnus zoomed past the place again but now a dozen city watchponies were chasing him and I couldn't help but laugh. Twilight's father laughed as well. He now said, "I understand you do some wizardry, Marcus?"

"Of course," I said, tapping my invisible horn. Play to those prejudices! "Twilight has been helping me to work with electrical magic." I called up a single small lightning ball and tossed it to her. She spun it on the tip of her horn, then passed it back to me. We showed off while Fluttershy's head bobbed back and forth, following it.

I could feel the magical flows in a way that is hard to explain in words. I normally have to cast a spell to get more than a vague sense of magic in action but I could feel it, the way I hear or see or... like a new sense. I could feel Rarity using small amounts to work her spoon and cup, could feel Twilight working magical fields; this helped us work together even better than before.

Twilight's parents were smiling, clearly proud of their daughter.

Rarity said, "I think you're scaring the animals, Twilight, dear."

Fluttershy was trying to reassure some of the servitor animals and the manager was now coming our way. Ack.

We got a strong 'request' not to throw such things around, however good we are at controlling them, and now we both looked embarrassed.

"Hi, sis!" Sweetie shouted from above us.

"..." I boggled openly (most of the time I can hide my bogglement. Or so I think).

We looked up and saw the CMC and Dash in the air above us along with Ditzy Doo, flying around. I think Ditzy and Dash were generating updrafts to help keep the CMC in the air.

Sweetie tried to throw something down at us, but the updrafts caught it and now paper hearts went flying all over the neighborhood, raining down on confused ponies and a few bipeds.

I blinked. What on earth is she doing?

Rarity looked embarrassed, then began plucking hearts out of the air. "Let me help," Twilight said. They wove their abilities with Rarity guiding Twilight's power and sucked up all the falling hearts into a small pile by the table.

"What is Sweetie doing?" Twilight asked Rarity.

"I don't know," Rarity said. "I'll talk to her later."

Ditzy now flew down to us. "I'm sorry about that," she said. "I'll talk to Sweetie."

"It was very sweet of her," Fluttershy said; she was clearly amused.

"She's a good girl," Rarity said. "But children are hard to run herd on," she said to Twilight's parents.

"When Twilight was little, she read this really scary story, so she built a fortress out of most of the books in the house to hide inside," Night Shining said, grinning in that parent ratting out their child way.

"MOM!" Twilight said, embarrassed.

"I will have to tell Spike that story," I said.

"No, please!" Twilight said.

"If the monsters can't see me they can't eat me," her father said, and laughed. "But then she tried to read one of them and it fell on her."

"Daaaaad!"

The rest of the meal was eaten up by embarrassing childhood Twilight stories.

************

Rarity went to see Sweetie before the meeting; I went to see Ivan. He was in the practice room, with one of Celestia's warponies trying to show him how to fight with a hammer. Unfortunately, said warpony used his own hammer with his mouth, which is not the Ivan way.

I came and sparred with them a little, then stole Ivan to get him cleaned up before the meeting. "You feeling better now?" I asked him. "You looked pissed last night."

"I am pissed," he said. "Bastet is an ASS. I'm surprised you're not pissed off."

"Remember the Thyatian job?"

"WHICH one?" he said, then shook his head. "You're not really Thyatian, though." He paused. "I think."

"If I could even remember being abandoned, I'd be angrier," I said, then sighed. "You're a good friend, Ivan."

"Oh, Helga is going to chew furniture when she hears about this. You know how she is."

I smiled. Yes. "She's a good friend too. I wish she wasn't out of the business."

We reached his room, which I now realized he had to himself. "You going to bathe?" he asked.

"I'm fine, just going to wash my face," I told him. "I... Look, Ivan..."

"I won't say anything," he said. "But the longer you hide it, the more you will die when the truth outs."

"How did I get this face, Ivan?" I asked him urgently. "They think I died recently."

"That's how you got your current face," he said.

"I thought the people at Franich House arranged it as part of my payment," I said.

"You'd changed bodies when I found you drunk and bitter and dragged you off on my quest. I don't know exactly what happened," he said, frowning. "You thought Franich House did it?"

I slumped down by the wall. "Now I wonder how much of anything in my head is reliable." DAMMIT.

"I'm sorry, man," he said. "Do you remember anything?"

I thought hard. "Maybe... something about a woman... who turned into a monster..." Damn me.

Ivan laughed briefly, then sighed. "Anyway, I'm gonna bathe." He got up and finished stripping. "I've never seen you die but I never knew how you survived a few times, but I guess now I know."

"Could it have been Marquetta?," I speculated.

"She would have had no reason unless she knew it was you and then she would have taken the sword," Ivan said. He headed off to take a bath.

Dammit, unless...How much does Luna know? She never said 'I know you are Erik', but if anyone can fix these holes in my memories....

Well, we'll have to see. Dammit.

I went and washed my face, then once Ivan was clean, we went to join the others.

***********

"I'm sorry I made a mess," Sweetie said to me. She sounded embarrassed.

"It's fine," I told her.

We had reached the meeting room but Luna was delayed by a meeting. So everyone was snacking and waiting.

"I just wanted to help," she said to my knees.

By raining down hearts?

"We had a good time with Twilight's parents." Part of the time. "So thank you," I told her. Then I handed her a can of mixed nuts. "You can save these for when you're hungry. I know your sister favors them, so I hope you do too."

She smiled and took it, putting it in her saddlebags. "Thanks, Marcus." She paused. "That's the right thing to call you, right?"

"Yes," I told her. "If we have time, I'll teach you another card trick tonight."

"Cool!" she said. That finished perking her back up.

I noticed Luna watching me; she'd come in without me noticing, but she was smiling, so I relaxed as Sweetie bobbed off to huddle with her friends and plot... something.

Maybe she was trying to matchmake with Rarity and I. I wish I had a spell to tell what people are thinking.

But then, I'd get mad if someone did that to me, so I shouldn't want it.

WANT IT SO MUCH.

Surely she'd be more overt about it if she was romantically interested, though, right? Rarity strikes me as the type who goes for what she wants.

Celestia seems... or was she talking about Twilight and I? I know Twilight's mind well enough to know what she considers romantic, but not Rarity. I need to find out.

I don't know what I will do if she is interested. Beyond probably running screaming and jumping out a window or something.

I like her, and if we were both the same species, I think I could really go for her. But she's a pony and I'm human and... aaargh.

"What's wrong?" Luna said softly. Everyone else was getting ready now that Luna was here.

I whispered to her. "Apparently, I died, totally forgot about it, shortly before heading into the Malpheggi. I think some woman turned into a monster to kill me." I sighed. "But she didn't rob me, which is weird."

Luna frowned. "That is strange."

"I'll let you know if I remember more," I told her.

She nodded and then I went and sat down by Rarity.

Celestia now entered, to Luna's surprise. She came over and nuzzled Twilight. "Did your meeting with your parents go well?"

"About half well and about half them talking about how Erik is the most terrible person ever to walk the world," Twilight said, irritated. She quickly calmed down from Celestia's cuddling, though. "Someone's put a price on his head."

Celestia frowned. "That is most certainly not allowed in Equestria. I will see about ensuring no one advertises that price here."

Twilight looked greatly relieved.

Celestia now loomed over me and descended on me for a hug. "You're so cuddly, Marcus."

"..." Brain blowing out now.

Rarity blinked, then said, "No hug for me?" sadly.

"Of course," Celestia said and embraced her. "I just have to get Marcus adapted to pony-embraces. Since I'm sure he'll be getting lots of them."

CELESTIA!!!!!!

"Like this!" Pinkie said, jumping on me.

"PILE ON!" Rainbow Dash shouted.

I was soon buried and laughing but struggling to breathe. Even Twilight piled on, though Rarity was still being held by Celestia; she was smiling and laughing gently.

Sweetie stuck her head in. "Princess Celestia, are you free?"

"I have to go to a meeting dear, but we could talk as we walk," she said very seriously to Sweetie, as she let go of Rarity.

"The Princess is very busy," Rarity said to Sweetie. "I can probably take care of whatever the problem is."

"No, no, this is for her," Sweetie said urgently. "Okay, I'll walk with you."

Celestia said her goodbyes and went with Sweetie.

"Tonight, after the moon raising, I will attempt a scrying," Luna said. "Twilight, you and Marcus and Moondancer will assist me."

"Of course," Twilight said.

"And the orchestra will play, so you will need to be there, Lyra," Luna said. "The rest of you may come if you like."

Lyra laughed nervously. "Okay."

"I have a crazy idea," Rainbow Dash said.

"Go on?" Luna said curiously.

"See, one of us could pretend to be a bounty hunter who captured Marcus to bring him in to Marquetta, hoping for a reward, and that would enable one of us to infiltrate the base and maybe even lure her into a trap to make an 'exchange'," Rainbow Dash said.

"She knows what we look like, Dash," Applejack said.

"One swallow of Ivan's magic potion and we look like anypony we want," Dash said. "I could be... Shining Star. I always liked that name. You'd be my partner and we'd offer to trade Marcus for money, but she has to come to the Vale of Traps or whatever, and then when she comes, AMBUSH TIME."

"We have to find her first," Twilight said. "And it's a big risk for you too. How would you explain you know she wants him?"

"It's... umm... damn," Rainbow Dash said. "I don't know."

We discussed some more plans, but we have the problem that until we find her, we can only plan vaguely. So it was not the most productive of meetings. Twilight, Rarity, Spike and I went to the library to do some study of scrying magic, so we could make an effort ourselves in addition to tonight's scrying. If nothing else, it would be a good area to develop for the future.

Though Rarity hadn't been there then, it felt like the old days of my time in Canterlot. Rarity had her glasses on... I didn't even know she wore them. But at least for this she donned them and the two of us worked with her, as she wanted to help but she basically hasn't engaged in broad theoretical study of magic. Admittedly, I've only done it in a half-assed way, so Twilight had to teach me some things as well.

"Treat it like a loom," Spike said to Rarity at one point. "The cystillic lines are the weft and the daristic lines are the woof. Except this loom, you can pluck the threads like a harp, then you 'feel' the vibrations. The intersection of the two threads with the vibration you want is where your target is. I think."

Rarity's eyes widened and she smiled warmly at Spike. "Thank you. That's a very good metaphor and I see it now."

"That's great, Spike," I told him. I don't know which one is woof and which one is weft, but I know enough about weaving to see what he means.

"Thanks, Marcus," he said, forgetting to hate me, though he made sure to glare AFTER that.

Twilight gave a happy sigh. "Even studying is better with people you care about."

Spike looked embarrassed. "I like you too," he mumbled.

"Sometimes you need some solitude to really focus on something," Rarity said. "But I find company makes most burdens lighter."

"Exactly," Twilight said. "Remember the time we tried to analyze the gorgon blood, Spike?"

He groaned. "I TOLD you it had already been done."

"I know, I should have listened," she said ruefully. "It would have saved me a lot of work. But you were very patient with me."

"I was so hungry by the end," he mumbled.

That reminded me. "Rarity, why did you have Twist buy you those raisins?"

She looked embarrassed. "I forgot I had them; they were to be snacks for the kids on the train."

"You forgot to give us snacks?" a stack of books said nearby. "Oh man!"

"..."

"They weren't supposed to notice we're here, Scootaloo!" Apple Bloom said urgently.

Twilight and Rarity laughed. Rarity laughs like a babbling brook, Twilight like a gentle rain. Spike laughs like an avalanche. He marched over and plucked back cloaks. "Where's Sweetie?" he asked.

"Nowhere," Apple Bloom said.

"She's not doing anything at all," Scootaloo said. "Plan B!"

They both ran for the door.

Twilight plucked them off the ground. "Young ladies, what are you up to? You're supposed to be under Ditzy's supervision."

"She and Dinky are taking naptime but we all had things to do," Scootaloo said. She laughed nervously. "Not that we're doing anything at all and certainly no one left the castle or anything."

Well, crap.

"Where did they go?" I said sternly.

"Nowhere AT ALL," Scootaloo said.

"Perhaps we can use the scrying magic to find them," Rarity said. "It would be a good test, yes?"

"Great idea," Twilight said. "We'll have to go to the lab and borrow the ritual components."

The scrying ritual required various components; it wasn't something to use super-lightly. But being agents of the Princesses has its advantages.

And we needed a test. So Spike and I herded Apple Bloom and Scootaloo, following the ladies. "Why were you two spying on us?" I asked.

"We were not spying on you," Scootaloo said. "At all."

"We just wanted to read some books, that's all, perfectly innocent!" Apple Bloom protested.

"And you were hiding because?" I asked.

"We didn't want to disturb your important work!" Apple Bloom said.

Now, see, this is in the right direction; make the other person feel more important by praise. But it doesn't work if you're clearly GUILTY unless your target has a really easily pushable button.

"It is important but you could have just been quiet," Twilight said. Okay, Twilight has some button. "But you were watching us for some reason. Why?"

"Probably to keep watch because they're setting up a prank on us," Spike said.

"It's not a prank! It's very important!" Scootaloo said.

"What is?" I asked.

"NOTHING!"

We went round this mulberry bush all the way to the lab.

************

Rarity carefully mixed the chemicals as Twilight read off the formula to her; Spike and I kept the two fillies under control. I herded Apple Bloom, Spike handled Scootaloo.

Once they were mixed, Twilight took a brush and used them as ink on paper to inscribe a series of runes, then placed a mirror in the center and they both began chanting; I could feel the flows of power through my horn, though I didn't know how to interpret it. Scootaloo and Apple Bloom now watched, fascinated.

The mirror fogged over and then you could see Sweetie and Twist in a fashion store, studying men's fashions for some reason. With some effort, Twilight panned around to get the name of the place 'High Spirits For Him'. In fact, it was men's fashion for ponies only, so why were Sweetie and Twist there? I suppose Twist might have a brother, but why sneak out?

"Why this charade?" I asked Apple Bloom.

"Ponies aren't good at charades," she said.

I suppose not but that's not what I meant.

"Are Sweetie or Twist planning to dress as men for some reason?" I asked.

"That wouldn't work well at all," Scootaloo said. "They couldn't fool anyone."

We then went to wake up Ditzy so we could hand over our prisoners and head for the store.

************

'High Spirits For Him' was still standing on our arrival. A half dozen customers were busy checking out outfits or being fitted by the clerks, while one of the clerks was busy talking to Sweetie Belle and Twist, who thankfully didn't seem to be causing trouble except for sneaking off when they were supposed to be NAPPING.

But when they saw us, they took off running, crashing into a rack which fell into another rack, which set off two racks... You know how it goes.

I managed to reach out and stop part of the cascade with a spell and Rarity stemmed the tide by seizing several and once Twilight got over her shock, she saved about half the store, leaving the other half fallen down.

The chestnut maned clerk made unhappy noises and fainted at the mess.

"Sweetie!" I said.

"Twist, you know better than this," Twilight said, then sighed.

"It was fine before you scared us!" Twist protested.

We began helping the clerks to straighten everything up. How do parents not go insane before their children grow up?

I do not know.

Sweetie and Twist helped as well, though it was easier for Twist, who could use her tail as well as her mouth. They worked together, looking guilty.

"What are you two doing here, anyway?" Rarity asked, once we'd made apologies and herded them out the door.

"Umm...," Sweetie said, sweating.

"We were going to get something nice for Sweetie's dad," Twist said with a quick smoothness I both admired and suspected was a well-practiced lie.

"If you had told me, I would be happy to have taken you," Rarity said. "But you two need to lie down so you don't fall asleep tonight too early."

They seemed horrified by that prospect and I smiled a little. Find the lever and push, as they say.

"I thought you were busy studying," Sweetie grumbled.

"Studying how to see people at a distance," Twilight said.

"DOH," Twist said, slapping her face, which I would think would hurt with hooves.

"We saw through your spies with our Unicorn Vision," Twilight said. She had a quirky smile; I think she's teasing them.

"I don't have any Unicorn Vision," Sweetie grumbled.

"When you're older," Rarity said.

We really shouldn't tease them like this but it's too much fun. "You lie down and I'll teach you another card trick when your nap is done," I told Sweetie.

"Yaay!"

As we walked down the street, we saw some of Celestia's warponies tearing down the bounty notices. Good for them. They saluted Twilight, who saluted them back.

"Do you know who put out this bounty?" I asked them. I had been too nervous to look closely.

"The Thyatian Embassy," the warpony said.

Damn. Hmm, fifty thousand is probably about what the value of that guy's harem was.

I hope they're all okay. About the best I could do was get them on a caravan to Darokin while I went another way to draw off the pursuit.

"I wouldn't need fifty-thousand to turn that bastard in," Spike grumbled.

"SPIKE," Twilight said angrily. "I am sure he's innocent."

"What exactly did he do to the Thyatians?" Twist asked curiously.

"After what he did to you, he deserves anything that happens to him," Spike said hotly.

"It's okay," Twilight said. "I understand why he did it now. If we hadn't been drunk, I could have reassured him before he panicked." She sighed.

Knife, gut, conscience runs through my mind, laughing and stabbing.

Thanks, conscience.

Rarity licked her lips nervously, and Twist said to her, "Would you like some candy? You look hungry."

"Any chance of a fruit gummy?" Rarity asked.

A what?

Fruit gummies turned out to be a fruit-flavored candy with sugar on it that is... I don't know how to describe it unless you've had one. It's a little denser than gelatin but still much less crispy / chewy than a hard candy. And they're very tasty, I found out.

"I'm surprised they're advertising here when he's probably not in Canterlot," Twist said.

Unless they somehow know I am here due to scrying or something. But the picture on the posts shows me as Erik, so no one would recognize me.

Dammit.

Them finding me so fast worries me.

But I can't tell anyone, DAMMIT.

"He probably followed us back so he could make a bigger mess for me to clean up," Spike grumbled.

Sorry, Spike.

The urge to just confess was strong but I choked it down. Can't risk a giant explosion until this is all cleared up.

We herded the kids back to the castle and turned them over to Ditzy, who hopefully would stay awake and watch them this time.

Hope springs eternal.

***********

I got out my deck of cards and shuffled; the cards felt oddly good in my hands. I mean, it's always fun but there was something... I cast my telekinesis spell and tried shuffling them with that; it was easier than I would have thought. Sweetie watched, eyes wide. It was just the two of us before dinner; Rarity had gone to lay out in the sun with Twilight and some of the others. Ditzy, Lyra, and Bon-Bon were, in theory, running herd on the other kids.

"Magic shuffling," Sweetie said reverently. I fought not to laugh.

I was sitting on the bed; she was standing, watching.

I then passed her the cards and tried to guide her in working on her shuffling. It's actually trickier than you'd think because you're manipulating a lot of objects at once, though you can force them together to make them more manipulable.

"It's hard," Sweetie said as the cards went flying.

"Don't give up," I told her. "You can do it, just keep trying."

And trying and trying. She tried to give up three times but I wouldn't let her quit and gradually, she got more fluid at it. She's got to master both shuffling and rigging the shuffle, which we also worked on, though I made sure to tell her to NOT do the latter when playing with others. Unless they deserved it, of course.

She finally got to where all the cards stayed together, but her efforts at rigging the shuffle were REALLY obvious. But that's okay. It takes a LOT of practice. Just being able to smoothly shuffle and deal was a good start; the tricky bits will build on that.

She was kind of blown by the time it was time for dinner, so I had to carry her. Even fillies are HEAVY.

I encountered Celestia in the hallway on the way there. "Hello, your highness," Sweetie mumbled.

"I see you ran her ragged," Celestia said to me.

"Hello, Princess Celestia," I said to her. "She was practicing her telekinesis with me."

"Just like a good father," Celestia said with her 'teasing' voice.

"I don't know if I'd be a good father," I told her thoughtfully. "But thank you."

"I have a father already," Sweetie said weakly.

"Of course," I told her.

Celestia studied me curiously, then said, "So you're ready for us to make centaur babies together?"

"..."

"NO!" Sweetie said loudly, then hid her face.

"Let's not discuss baby-making in front of a child," I said firmly to Celestia.

"We have someone else for you to make babies with if you really need to!" Sweetie said urgently.

"......"

Celestia stared for a few seconds in total surprise. I will treasure the sight of her being floored forever and ever and ever.

"But we couldn't get the suit so it'll be a disaster and then Canterlot will catch fire somehow and everyone will have to run out in the rain!" Sweetie said in a panic, flailing.

She... no, she wouldn't try to set her father up with Celestia, he's married.

It must be someone she knows from Ponyville, but I don't know enough Ponyvillians to tell.

Celestia's face softened and she nuzzled Sweetie gently. "You are a kind pony. But your father is already married, you know."

"Not FATHER," Sweetie said.

"So you lied about who the suit was for," I said, frowning, though I had already been sure something was going on there.

She cringed. "It's a secret!"

"Well, I do like surprises," Celestia said kindly. "But you shouldn't sneak out of the castle without telling anyone. Ditzy feels very guilty she lost track of you."

"I'm sorry," Sweetie said sadly.

"Now tell me all about your big adventure," Celestia said, and Sweetie told us about it the rest of the way to dinner.

**********

I got a letter from Helga at dinner. It was a warning that all the Thyatian embassies seem to have put out the notice in the various capitals. That was both a worry (that's a big manhunt) and a relief (they do not know I am HERE.)

Dinner was quite nice; we didn't get to eat at the high table; a bunch of ambassadors were crammed around it. Dona Carlotta joined us, sitting by Twilight and chatting with everyone. The food was Sindhi tonight, which meant very spicy. Fine by me, but Applejack wasn't too happy with it, nor was Apple Bloom. Too 'frou-frou' for them, I guess.

Pinkie ate too much and got nauseous, most of us enjoyed it. Especially Spike. He wolfed it down like crazy.

The Sindhi Ambassador had a group of dancers come and perform as entertainment. Very well done, though scantily clad women were basically wasted on the ponies present. I tried not to stare too much.

I could hear some sort of argument at Celestia and Luna's table. I think Celestia was telling the Thyatian Ambassador not to do that again. He didn't look too happy.

Then I realized the Thyatian Ambassador from the Shires, Lord Caine, was there. I rubbed my forehead. It could be a coincidence, but... dammit.

Also, Duke Blueblood was smirking all night for some reason and the urge to punch his fat face was strong, very strong, but I fought it off.

"Marcus," Twilight said urgently.

I jumped, nearly dropping a forkful of curried rice and vegetables on myself. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Would you like to come stargaze with us after our appointment with Luna?" Twilight said. "I want to go get some things from my tower and I thought we could use my fancy telescope there. You too, Rarity."

"I'd love to; I'm curious to see your old place, Twilight," Rarity said.

"Sure," I said. It's seriously plush, really. I just have to remember to pretend I have NEVER seen it.

"This will be lots of fun," Twilight said happily.

As long as I don't give the game away and die.

***********

There is a large reflecting pool on the castle grounds in a nice garden; we met Luna there after moonrise. The orchestra came and began to play eerie music; Lyra played very well, but she and Octavia kept glancing uncomfortably at each other.

Moondancer now began to dance on the water and Luna joined her, both of them moving together to the beat, which made me tap my toes and everyone else to tap their feet or hooves.

We couldn't stop Scootaloo running out and joining them, and Luna smiled and welcomed her in.

I watched them work; I could feel them spinning threads of magical energy and working it into the water, which began to shine and to ripple. The water changed and now instead of showing the moon and stars, it showed a strange sight. You could see a swamp, through which trolls and various swamp creatures roamed, but it was not the Malpheggi. In the background, a cliff rose hundreds of feet and above that, mighty peaks soared high into the sky.

"I know that," I said. "That's in the Broken Lands, west of the west road. If you keep going west, maybe ten miles further was this ancient ruined tower that Ivan, Helga, and I tried to get into one time."

"What kept you out?" Pinkie asked.

"None of us were a good enough wizard to defeat the wards," I said. "But I happen to know a really good wizard now."

"Wh...oh, ME," Twilight said and everyone laughed.

"Humility is good for you," Ivan said, amused.

"What's in it?" Rarity asked.

"Gold, gems, jewels, ancient Blackmoorian devices, the works. It was built in Blackmoorian times," I said.

The view now zoomed in on the cliff face; you could see a huge crevice opening inwards with buildings inside it. A black dragon took flight down to the swamp as we watched.

We couldn't get closer, unfortunately, though the view moved around to establish its position clearly.

"Okay, this gives us something to work with, even if we can't be sure that the enemy forces are there," Twilight said. "Thank you very much, Princess Luna."

"How far away is this place?" Applejack asked.

"It's about two weeks ride from Fort Marny," I said. We can take the train as far as Fort Marny. Maybe longer if they've really extended it to Darokin City like I've heard rumors about.

"Urgh, that's a long trip," Applejack said.

"Most of it is pretty safe, though," I said. "If we took Twilight's balloon to Corunglain, it would be fairly safe and much faster, I'm sure. Then we'd just have to walk across the Broken Lands."

"I can't teleport that far," Twilight said, frowning. "But yes, we could balloon to Corunglain in a long day of travel, then rest a day and then head into the Broken Lands. It wouldn't be safe to balloon in the Broken Lands, but that would mean a shorter trip."

"Well, if we take the balloon, the kids can't risk themselves trying to follow us," Fluttershy pointed out.

"We saved you," Apple Bloom said. "We're ready for another adventure!"

"You're fillies and we have to protect you," Fluttershy said. "I am glad you want to help but we can't put you in danger."

"You're going into danger," Twist pointed out.

"Yes, but we're adults and chosen by destiny," Twilight said. "One day, you'll be old enough to go on adventures with us, but not yet."

"I can even use my tail now!" Apple Bloom protested.

I think Luna scried some other things but we all got distracted, arguing with the CMC.

Finally, Bon-Bon snapped, "Pay attention," at us and to our embarrassment, we all turned back.

Luna had zoomed in on a set of stairs which scaled the cliff face to the lair. And then there was sudden fuzzing and the water returned to showing the moon.

"I think she was about to notice," Luna said. "So I dropped it."

"Thank you very much," Twilight said. "I'm going to want to develop a defense against scrying so we can sneak up undetected, and then we'll be ready to go. This may take a day or two to study my options and learn one."

"Better to be ready than to go off half-ready," Luna said sagely. The three on the water were still dancing, though she now led them off the water.

The musicians now wrapped up and Luna went to thank the orchestra and let them go; Bon-Bon and Octavia were glaring at each other, but they just simmered instead of exploding, while Lyra looked guilty.

We spent some time planning our trip and trip preparations, then split up for the rest of the night.

***************

I accompanied Rarity, Spike, Twilight, Dona Carlotta, Sweetie, and Twist to Twilight's tower. The kids were very impressed by it; it is beautiful. I slept on the floor here many times.

Spike gave us a tour and was quite proud of showing everything off; the giant hourglass was still here, I noticed. I nearly asked if she ever figured out how it worked; it was a magic item she'd been studying. Then I remembered not to know that.

As we headed to the observation deck, I thought I saw something in the hourglass, but when I turned and looked, it wasn't there.

Probably just my nerves.

"What happens when it runs out of sand?" Sweetie Belle asked, pointing to it.

"It turns over and starts over," Twilight said. "I never did figure out the rest of its powers. It's magical."

"Oooh," Sweetie said, then started studying it. Then she suddenly jumped in the air.

"Do you see something?" I asked Sweetie.

"I thought I saw a red dragon looking at me," Sweetie said hesitantly.

"I thought so too for a second, but it vanished and I assumed it was my nerves," I said.

Twilight's eyes widened. "That can't bode well. Spike, send a letter to Celestia, just in case."

We all stared at it intently; I could feel flows of magic going all over the place from it, and I could feel Rarity and Twilight and even Sweetie's power. I felt (and saw) Dona Carlotta cast a spell and I could feel her reaching into it with magic.

Unicorns must feel this all the time.

"Is it just me, or is there... a sheath?" I said. Trying to feel inside it caused you to be repelled off the surface of it.

Not that I really know what I'm doing.

Sweetie got out her cards and began shuffling. I blinked in surprise.

Twilight said, "You are completely right, Marcus, and that's why I never solved this thing."

I'd taken a look at it before, but I hadn't even noticed the sheath then. "Rarity, maybe you can find a weak point?"

Rarity frowned and looked strained as she felt out the item. "Here, at the neck," she said, the point where it narrowed between the bells.

Sweetie now pulled a book out of her pack and did a lay out of seven cards and began studying it. Card divination. Not a bad idea if you have the magic to make it work.

Twilight said, "That's just superstition, Sweetie." She was clearly disapproving.

"But if it's backed by real magic, not just shuffling cards and hoping the universe gives you a clue, it might work, right?" I told Twilight.

"This book is all about card magic and it's REAL," Sweetie said stubbornly. "I don't tell you your stars are imaginary."

"I can look in the sky and see the stars," Twilight said, though now she looked curiously at the book. "Where did this come from?"

"Celestia's library," Sweetie said. "Apple Bloom found it for me."

"I hope she checked it out properly," Twilight said. "Celestia is our friend but her library is not just to be taken when you want to."

"I think we kind of interrupted them before they could," I told Twilight. "We can run by after this." I kneeled down by Sweetie. "I know about card divination, though I could never make it actually work except as... entertainment." I was about to say 'a con'. AHAHA.

"Look at how good I shuffle," Sweetie said proudly as the cards nimbly danced into new configurations.

"You are good," Twilight said. "But it should be 'how well I shuffle'."

Rarity had been about to speak but now she just smiled.

Dona Carlotta sat down by Sweetie to watch. "Erik loved card tricks," she said cheerfully. I'm glad she can remember me fondly and I REALLY WISH she had NOT SAID THAT.

"Well, he has one good trait at least," I said.

She frowned at me. "He was a good man. Not perfect, but a good man. You shouldn't speak ill of someone you've never met, Marcus."

Do not laugh. DO NOT LAUGH.

Twilight frowned. "Exactly. We knew him as he really was. Not these stupid lies."

My conscience broke a chair over my head. It sounded disturbingly like Celestia while doing so. AAAARRRRGGGHHH.

"Anyway, I don't care if he was good or bad," Sweetie said. "Okay, let's see. Spirit of the cards, spirit of fortune, show me the FUTURE!" She concentrated and the deck rose, wobbling, into the air. It spun in place and...

The hourglass suddenly drew a huge pile of power from all over. All of us except Spike and Sweetie wobbled and Spike said, "I really don't like what is going on!"

Sweetie's eyes now began to glow blue like the ocean. CRAP.

I instinctively grabbed onto her, trying to shield her with my own body, not that this was likely to do anything and I could just feel the magic flow around me and into the cards, which fluttered in a storm around us.

I could feel Celestia and Luna, they were coming.

Dona Carlotta shouted something and I could feel Twilight hurling power around and Rarity yelled something about time and Spike was making odd noises like he was on fire or something. And for some weird reason, I could feel power churning through my ass.

And then there was only blue and the Jack of Stones.

*************

WTF IS GOING ON VISION:

Everything had begun to go wrong when the Elements of Harmony never returned from the Broken Lands. Major Keen Eyes, father of Rarity and Sweetie, stood with his unit near Mareis, preparing for battle. His long pink mane was largely hidden under his helmet, but you could see his white coat despite his barding and quiver. His cutie mark, arrows overlapping to form a wall, was well hidden by his golden armor, enchanted with protection spells, thanks to his rank. Sind's attack had been aided by shapeshifters; long the bane of Sind, they had taken over covertly and then used their power to infiltrate and destroy Fort Overlook, Fort Mont-Mare and Fort Boatmurdered, though apparently the force which seized Boatmurdered had somehow unleashed an ancient evil on itself and been destroyed.

This still left two armies pushing into Equestria and he'd been called off the northeastern frontier to help fight against it. The initial strike of the shifters had killed most of the top command, which is how Duke Blueblood of all people had ended up in command of this army; from what little Major Keen Eyes knew of the man, this boded ill, as Blueblood was basically a stuck up, egotistical noble with no experience. But he'd raised a force of several thousand militia to add to the army, so at least he'd come bearing gifts.

Keen Eyes was surprised to be called to the tent of Duke Blueblood. Keen Eyes commanded an entire thousand pony strong regiment of warponies, not an inconsiderable force, having been promoted from being captain of a company due to the death of so much of the high command. The best of the lance (ten pony squad) commanders under him now had his old job. The Duke, though, was notoriously snobby and usually only spoke with the Colonels who commanded the brigades (three regiments strong) and the Generals who commanded the divisions (ten regiments strong).

He entered and saluted. Duke Blueblood looked exhausted and worn as he studied the map; ponies scurried about the command tent and to Major Keen Eyes's surprise, there was a human woman, tall with long blonde hair tied into a braid; she wore black Alphatian style robes with many white winds embroidered on them and she looked like she hated everyone for existing.

But her gaze softened a little on seeing him. Duke Blueblood didn't even notice, though he now stuck his head in a huge bowl of what Keen Eyes hoped was NOT alcohol. It smelled like apples, which could go either way.

Also, drinking with your head in the bowl was crude, especially as it had several bendy straws in it already.

They'd had a hard time getting Sweetie to stop doing that, but Blueblood was a grown Pony, for goodness' sake.

"He's here," the woman said softly.

Duke Blueblood looked up with haunted eyes. Then Keen Eyes felt a surge of magic and Blueblood's lips dried off. "Major Keen Eyes, I am very glad to see you," he said, though he actually sounded half-dead. But sober. More exhausted than anything else. "I have good news I want you to spread to your men. And a mission for you."

Given the rumors about the size of the Sindhi army, they could USE good news. "Yes, sir," he said.

"This is Lady Helga from Glantri. She has persuaded some of her kin to give us assistance at cost to herself. It's... a long story but in short, we have to buy two days for the elementals to be summoned and brought here. I don't know if even that will be enough, but it will certainly make things better." He was talking to the bottom of Keen Eyes' neck, unable to raise his head. "We will have two dozen Glantrian wind elementalists and several hundred air elementals. Given the great weakness of our foes' air force, I think this could be of great help."

"And you want me to lead an attack to slow them down," Keen Eyes said. He knew his daughter had had trouble at the Grand Galloping Gala but he hadn't thought the man would stoop to this depth for revenge, especially with her missing and presumed dead.

"No," Blueblood said. "I need you to take an important message to Celestia. We can't risk magical interception. If you take the train, you can be back before the big battle. And I can circulate that you asked me for a chance to see your wife before the big battle." She was in Canterlot with Sweetie. "That way the enemy won't expect you to be carrying a message."

"The other officers will not think well of me, running off on the brink of battle, family or not," Major Keen Eyes said, frowning. "That being said, if you order me, I will go, as is my duty."

"I told you," Helga said to Duke Blueblood, who now took a long draught of drink through a straw.

Duke Blueblood looked vaguely stunned. "You might never see them again if you don't go now, you know."

Major Keen Eyes shuffled a little nervously on his feet. He suddenly had a feeling there was more to this than he had expected. There was some intrigue afoot here. Given that he, a Major, was being given a corporal or maybe a sergeant's job here...

"What's going on?" he said softly.

"Someone who *resembles* your daughter is with the enemy army," Helga said.

"You weren't supposed to tell him that!" Blueblood protested. "How's he supposed to go on knowing his daughter is with the enemy?"

Major Keen Eyes stared, eyes wide. "What?"

"It's probably a shapeshifter, not your daughter," Helga said. "Or some kind of clone. Though she is good at archery."

"And was cackling about the plunder from Fort Mont-Mare," Blueblood said to the map.

"Anyway, there's no conclusive proof," Helga said, "That it is really her and not a fake. We have had reports from Celestia that the enemy may be able to make clones of anyone they capture, AND they have actual shapeshifters. So we can't be sure it's her for real."

"And you thought I could not do my duty in that situation," Major Keen Eyes said stiffly, though he felt horrified by the idea of even shooting at a person pretending to be Rarity, who he was very worried about but not the type to actually tell anyone that.

"How can I ask a father to shoot at his own child?" Blueblood said, clearly stunned and horrified by the idea.

Major Keen Eyes relaxed just a little. "It must be a shapeshifter or a double. Rarity would never betray Equestria. I can go if you really need me to take a message, but I would rather deal with this impostor myself."

Duke Blueblood licked his lips nervously. "So be it," he said softly. "I am very sorry."

"This is not your fault, sir," Major Keen Eyes told Blueblood. The thought of shooting at someone who resembled Rarity horrified him but he did not show it. Someone had to be strong if Blueblood would not. "I will ensure she is dealt with." Much as it would hurt.

Blueblood hung his head. "I cannot ask you to do it."

"I volunteer," he said. "Post us as necessary. We will ensure it is done." His gut wrenched, but he ignored it. He would do his duty, though the very thought of it ached. But a soldier could not show weakness and fear. He despised those who did. His daughter was strong, and she responded to adversity with strength. He was proud of her accomplishments. And he would deal with this evil clone, without letting it know it hurt him even to think about it.

A man does what a man has to do.

And the world turned blue.

************

There was shouting and screaming. I could hear Celestia now and something about hourglasses. Sweetie was crying and I held on tight to her, trying to cut the threads of magic which were flowing through us, but I just shoved them around and the blue changed and now the Jack of Flames flickered past us.

*************

WTF IS GOING ON VISION:

Five pale skinned female elves with unusually large ears looked around nervously. One of them wore a golden necklace with large gems strung on it; they glowed with an eerie ever changing blue fire; she carried a long staff in her hands with another such gem set into one end. Her hair was long and red. There was a second elf with curly red hair, one with pink and purple hair, a fourth with blonde hair and a fifth with pinkish-purple hair and darker skin. The first, second and the fifth wore suits of chainmail, the third and fourth, multi-colored robes.

"Okay, Sweetie, get us in," the first said.

The pink and purple haired female elf waved her hands over the huge complicated lock mechanisms. One by one, tumblers turned and bolts slid. Spells unwove and unraveled and the defenses shut down. "Hah, just like big sister," Sweetie-Elf said proudly.

And then the doors swung open. What stood before them was the holiest of holies in the City of the Stars, the great city of the Shadow Elves (who despite their names were albino, like the bodies which the Cutie Mark Crusaders had taken on, thanks to a potion). They were all technically upside down, for in some mysterious way, gravity was different in the great cavern and the city sat on the ceiling of the cavern.

You easily forgot, like right now, down under the main temple. Now before them stood a vast machine of crystal piping and adamantine and mithril and glass, full of glittering gems like the ones Apple Bloom wore.

"We are so dead if they catch us," Twist said, looking around.

"I'm not worried about them. We bluffed them easily," Scootaloo said. "I'm worried about dying of boredom watching you all work." Her powers were great... and in this body she couldn't fly and she didn't have the mechanical skills to do much even if she did have hands at the moment. But this was Apple Bloom's turn to shine.

YOU HAVE BIGGER WORRIES THAN DYING OF BOREDOM, the voice said, echoing through the room but coming from nowhere in particular.

"Oh shit," Scootaloo said.

A human hand the size of an elephant appeared. DID YOU THINK I WOULD LEAVE MY GRAND EXPERIMENT UNMONITORED? IT IS TIME FOR A LESSON IN STAYING OUT OF OTHER PEOPLE'S...

He did not finish because Twist produced two huge licorice whips, snagged two of his fingers and tossed him into the ceiling. "Apple Bloom, you shut it down, we'll keep him busy!"

GUARDS! THE INNER SANCTUM HAS BEEN VIOLATED!

"Yes, the more who come, the more beatings I get to dish out!" Scootaloo shouted and assumed Pony form. She was a full blown adult now with large, powerful wings and a muscular physique. "It's time to kick some flank!"

YOU ARE ALL CRAZY, the voice said in disbelief.

"IMMORTALITY MARK CRUSADERS FOREVER!" Dinky shouted and then mist filled the room.

And then there was blue light everywhere.

**************

More shouting, more chaos, lights flashing and cards flying. But the level had dimmed down as Sweetie had stopped crying and now actually looked intrigued. I guess I stuck around in that future. In fact, that felt like the kind of thing Ivan and Helga and I got into all the time.

"Sweetie, you have to take control of this, or it'll keep flipping us through possible futures," I told her.

"I don't know how, I'm just a filly, I can't control big magic!" she said, starting to panic.

"You started this, it has to be you," I told her. "I won't abandon you, but I can't control this." My previous poking showed me that.

"SWEETIE!" I heard Rarity's panicked voice. "Hold on!"

"I can't," she cried.

"You can do it," I told her. "I'll help you but it has to be you who takes control of what you set in motion," I said to her.

She reached out with her will and seized a card. It was the Jack of Waves and now the world turned blue again.

*************

WTF IS GOING ON VISION:

I was me this time, but I was along for the ride inside me, if you know what I mean.

I was riding on Rarity, who was (I don't know how) now big enough to carry me comfortably; she wore armor made of glittering crystal and I was wearing enchanted cloth armor (so it wouldn't get in the way of spell casting). The sky was black with dark clouds and dragons were battling other dragons and Pegasi overhead in a huge melee. I could see Rainbow Dash and the Wonderbolts charging a formation of green dragons.

We stood among a force of archer warponies, who were providing supporting fire for an army of humans, ill clad in hunting leathers and thick furs, armed with spear and shortbow and absolute determination. A handful of Unicorns, among them a similarly oversized Twilight, provided magical support fire. Ivan rode on a horse, hammer in his hand, devastating the ranks of the enemy and leading the peasants, and now I understood why Keraptis gave him Whelm of all things.

For our foes were just what Whelm was intended to fight: a handful of giants, several squads of ogres and hordes of orcs, goblins, bugbears, and humans in black armor with a golden shield with an eagle spreading his wings in black as their symbol. They were trained professionals and they hammered the peasant army hard.

We fell back down the valley between two wooded ridges, fighting hard and giving ground. Rarity shot down one of the giants with a series of precise shots and I hurled fire and lightning, though Twilight and her force did more damage than I.

That's when maniacal laughter rolled across the battlefield.

Distantly, I heard the Black Eagle Baron, the tyrant of western Karameikos, who had somehow escaped Stefan's justice for decades, shouting something, and there was a huge discharge of lightning from Bargle, his evil wizard vizier.

But a yellow pegasus appeared, clad in robes, and blocked it with her staff. She was laughing like a maniac. And then there was MORE laughter from the other ridge.

And then the trees stood up and charged down the ridges at the Black Eagle's forces as two nearly identical yellow Pegasi shouted about being loved forever.

A horde of Dogboyz from Manehattan and other ports now charged out of hiding and sealed the other end of the valley, with two carrying Apple Blossom on a litter. She held up a glass, sipped from it, then said, "Time to collect, boyz! Show them how we do it in Manehattan!"

OH YEAH.

And then there was blue light everywhere.

**************

I took Sweetie's hooves with my hands. "We can do it together," I told her. Or so I hope. She was crying but one by one, they started to settle. I twined my power with hers, let her use my strength. But some of them fluttered up. For moments, we saw other futures. Where Sweetie was a warpony. Where I was King of Karameikos. Where Rarity was a strange crystalline goddess made of gems. Where Celestia... was kissing Big Macintosh? He looked as stunned as I felt.

But card by card, she pushed them down and forced her will on them. "Sing," I told her, and she began to sing about cards. It was a rather better song than I would have expected to be improvised so hastily.

Another blue flash and now we went to dance with the Jack of Winds.

*************

HOURGLASS WEIRDNESS VISION:

Ivan clinked his glass with Applejack, Apple Blossom, Rarity, Clarity, Marcus, Spike, and Spikey. Pinkamena (in a human form) was up on the stage, parading with the other models to show off this fall's line of fashions, the MUST HAVE items without which every noble had to consider himself ill dressed. Dozens of nobles and those aspiring to such were all crowded into the room, studying everything intently and laying their plans to look better than their rivals for the next year.

"Thank you, everyone," Ivan said. "I couldn't have done it without you."

"I can't believe they're so crazy for clothing," Applejack said. She was the only person present not wearing a fancy outfit, though she did have a platinum pendant of an apple on, in addition to her saddlebags, boots, and hat.

"Nobles crave status. Status costs money. Intensify status competition and they will bankrupt themselves trying to one-up each other," Apple Blossom said. "Elegance is important, but you have to be sure you stay within your means. They'll all borrow money from Spike and Spikey to finance their purchases, so we get a cut that way too."

Spike and Spikey high-fived and Ivan laughed. "I have come to see why Asterius has both trade and theft in his portfolio," Ivan said, grinning.

"Well, it's been a ton of fun, darling. I can't think of a better way to stage a revolution than this," Rarity said, then sipped her orange martini. "I get to do what I love best, help a friend and work towards freeing a nation."

"Amen to that," Marcus said, patting Rarity's shoulder. She smiled brightly as Sweetie continued to sing in the background. "It doesn't get better than this."

And the world turned blue.

*************

Why had I been IVAN instead of ME in that???

I suddenly wondered if that future me was someone else. I suppose he could have been Sammy but Sammy is with Twilight.

Which if he could...aaargh, this is not the time to think about Twilight that way.

Now the cards danced to her tune. They settled into place and the hourglass now reversed and the sand began to pour and the world turned blue one last time. The Jack of Shadows flickered past.

*************

DEFINITELY IMPOSED BY THE HOURGLASS VISION:

We were in some sort of Northman style mead hall; a vast feast was spread out before us, but no one was here. It was odd, though; one side of the table was full of human foods, the other side laden with foods for ponies. Sweetie stood by my side, and stared, drooling, at the pony side.

"Don't, it's a trap," I told her. I was in control of me, though. Not along for the ride. What is going on now?

"But it..."

"TRAP," I said firmly. "Don't touch anything, eat anything, I'd tell you not to even look, but we'd probably walk into a pit if we went blind," I told her. I could feel everything was laden with magic.

A pony came out of the shadows. She was a unicorn mare, red coated with a multi-colored mane, just like Celestia's. Her cutie mark was a golden goblet filled with a bubbling red liquid. "Hello, my little ponies," she said with a kindly voice.

"Are you Marjorie in disguise?" Sweetie asked.

Good thinking. I don't think so, but wise of you to ask.

The pony laughed. "I am Cunning Thought, and I cannot claim Marjorie among my children, though I am proud of her for showing some wit for once. Normally, her solution to everything is either to bite it or to jump out from ambush and bite it by surprise. Why she was chosen for her office, I do not understand. But I guess everyone grows up eventually." She sounded vastly amused. Indeed, it reminded me of Celestia.

"Are you Celestia's mother?" Sweetie asked.

"Yes," Cunning Thought said.

FUCK, IT IS LOKI.

"Get behind me now," I told Sweetie, despite knowing it was hopeless and hoping the hourglass would yank us back quickly.

"Now, now, do you really think I would hurt a child?" Cunning Thought said mournfully.

"I know what Hule is like, Father of Lies," I said harshly.

"Now, now, 'Marcus', you hardly have any place to call someone Father of Lies. Especially when I am in a female body," Cunning Thought said, clearly amused rather than angry.

I do not think I have ever been more fucked than this or if I have, I don't know why I still exist or don't remember it.

FUCK ME.

"I can see why Celestia wants you, though. I give you two my blessing. Though I advise you to alternate taking each other's form. Centaur children have all the problems of foals AND of human children." Her voice was playful, and... I can't believe I was actually GLAD she got off the topic of my identity. She stepped closer and I backed up, gently pushing Sweetie back as she peeked around my legs.

"I'm not looking to create centaurs!" I said fervently.

"Well, Celestia can easily ensure either of you become whatever you like, pony, human, elf, Oard..."

Sweetie's eyes opened wide. "Wait, I thought Ditzy and Dinky just hallucinated those things!"

"He's...," I began.

"SHE," Cunning Thought said. "Don't make me call *you* 'she', 'Marcus'." Don't ask me how I could hear the quote marks. I KNEW they were there. It's all about the tone of gently mocking doubt.

"Don't turn Marcus into a woman! Rarity wouldn't be happy at all!" Sweetie said urgently.

"She is just messing with you, Sweetie," I said.

"There's one in Ponyville," Cunning Thought said.

Now Sweetie looked really worried. "Who?"

"Well, now, secrets aren't kept or revealed for free," Cunning Thought said. "I know quite a bit, but as they say, measure for measure. The worker is worthy of his hire."

Damn you, I thought. I am not so easily played, but Sweetie is like a violin.

"I have a little money," Sweetie said, looking in her saddlebags.

"Sweetie, you can't just trust every adult pony that comes along," I told her. "She's trying to trick you."

"But she's Celestia's mother," Sweetie said, confused. "She wouldn't lie to us."

"I love my daughter very much and I'm proud of what she's accomplished," Cunning Thought said warmly. "She loves all her little ponies and they love her, just like my people love me and the freedom I bring them."

That's one way of looking at it.

Not a very HONEST way, but a way.

"The people of Hule...," I began.

"Love me and worship me by their own choice. Chaos is in their souls," Cunning Thought said. "Like it is in yours. Don't you love the freedom of the open road with nothing to tie you down?"

"Yes, but I don't go causing trouble for other people," I said. This could be the most foolish thing I ever said.

Cunning Thought fell down laughing, rolled against the feast table and a chicken leg fell on her face.

"I don't get the joke," Sweetie said. "Does this mean you need a cutie mark to get it?"

"I don't like to hurt people and YOU DO," I told her. "I know how many people you've lied to and betrayed!"

Cunning Thought tried to stand, fell down again and now collapsed the entire table on herself, but she kept laughing.

Sweetie rushed forwards to help her and I, reluctantly, joined her. We pulled the table and the food off her; the food turned to spoiled food and rot as we tossed it aside and Sweetie stared.

"I have not had that good a laugh in a long time," Cunning Thought said. "You are so full of irony, I am surprised you are strong enough to move your own feet."

"I still don't get it," Sweetie said.

Good. "Whatever you have in mind, we will not fall for it," I said. "Sweetie, I don't know how Cunning Thought hijacked your spell, but you have to tell it to end."

"Now, now, Sweetie is not the only shaper of this spell," Cunning Thought said. "This is not the first time you've danced with the Jack of Shadows and I doubt it will be your last. Look me in the eye and tell me you don't prefer to defeat your foes with cunning and wit and sometimes deceptions." Her voice was very serious now. "To turn them against each other and pull the wool over their eyes."

"It's better than violence," I said softly. "But if you lie to everyone, then no one can trust you. Or at least they'd be wiser not to."

"Marcus never lies to me," Sweetie said firmly, flicking the last bit of gunk off Cunning Thought. "He trusts me and I trust him."

"Everyone lies, even the best of us, Sweetie, and that's no lie," Cunning Thought said sadly, rising.

Damn you. It's true, but it's not... she's just a child. Better to remove the blinders slowly so the light doesn't blind.

"You should visit your daughter some time," Sweetie said and pony-hugged her leg.

She blinked at Sweetie, then looked at me with a look of 'AHAHAHAHA'. Then she smiled sweetly at Sweetie. "Thank you for helping me, Sweetie. Hold on, I have a present for you." She cantered back into the shadows.

"Sweetie, we have to go," I said. "Her presents are dangerous!"

"But... she's Celestia's mother! She can't be evil!" Sweetie said.

Bloody hell, how do I explain all this to a child? "Please, trust me," I told her. "You have to end this."

She hesitated, then said, "Okay, Marcus." She sounded reluctant, and I gave a sigh of relief. She concentrated and the world turned blue

"I couldn't have brought you here if you hadn't already tied yourself to Chaos!," Cunning Thought shouted. "And say hello to Father Time for me!"

Then we saw the Jack of Waves. And we were gone.

**********

STILL NOT REALITY, DAMMIT:

Father Time was a grey-coated, white maned old stallion wearing a crown and sitting on a throne in a way most Ponies can't manage. He looked rather uncomfortable. He had a golden hourglass as his Cutie Mark, which made Sweetie gasp. "Are you Ditzy's boyfriend's father?"

He blinked. "Shouldn't you be dead?" he said to me.

Thanks, Father Time. Thanks A LOT. I bowed anyway. "I am Samus Marcus of Thyatis and this is my friend, Sweetie Belle. I believe we triggered something that belongs to you. My apologies. If you can tell us how to stop, we will happily leave you to your work."

There was another throne with another pony; this one sat more comfortably like a human, despite pony form. She was raven maned and chestnut coated with bright brown eyes. Laurel crowned her head and her cutie mark was a white egg with a crimson serpent twined around it. "There are no accidents in time, as my dear love would say. I am Mother Nature, who your friend Fluttershy serves."

Also known as Djaea, she is the patron of all druids. She can be both benevolent or malevolent, as the whim takes her, though she is Neutral, rather than Chaotic. There are patterns to her deeds if you have the wisdom to look for them.

"You must be really super-nice then," Sweetie said, bowing to her and Father Time. I did the same.

"You are a sweet child. This door was meant for another, but I am pleased you came through it," Mother Nature said.

Father Time studied me, then his eyes widened slightly. "What on Mystara ARE you?" Father Time said to me.

Thanks, Father Time. Thanks a lot.

"He's Samus Marcus and he's... very important to Rarity and me." She looked at me hesitantly.

"I am Celestia and Luna's special agent, marked by them and sworn to them," I said, flourishing my hat. "And Rarity and Sweetie are indeed important to me as well."

Sweetie looked relieved.

Father Time and Mother Nature studied each other, communing silently. "I see what happened," Father Time said now. "Tell Celestia..."

"Oh, and Cunning Thought said to say hi to you!" Sweetie said. "She's Celestia's mother! You probably don't know her."

His eyes flickered in a way that made me VERY nervous. But then he said, "I will remember that." His voice was grave. "You are human, yes?"

"In this life," I told him. "Apparently, I have reincarnated a lot, and I don't remember most of it." I frowned at that.

"Are you relatives of Princess Celestia?" Sweetie asked.

"We are Immortals; we were once mortal like you, but by long effort, we came to take our current place among them," Father Time said kindly to her. "Anyone might aspire to join us one day, though few, very few will do so."

"Ooooo," Sweetie said, a light in her eyes.

Oh bloody hell.

"Tell Fluttershy I am very proud of her," Mother Nature said. "And to keep up the good work."

"I will."

"And I ask her to save Dragonfly's life if she can," Mother Nature continued.

"I intend to ensure they all survive if I can," I told her. "They have been played for puppets and fools and I..." I grimaced. "Have been that too." I stared at the ground, frustrated. I don't even know for sure what all Bastet hoped to accomplish, whether she had any real interest in success or if I was just an experiment.

I felt a degree of anger over how Marjorie was using them that surprised me. I try to avoid passion. It only gets you in trouble. Unless its fear, and then it sometimes... sometimes gets you out. But I don't LIKE fear. I am so afraid and I hate it.

"I want to help my other sister even if I don't understand how there are two Rarities," Sweetie said.

"I cannot see how it will end," Father Time said, studying me and Sweetie.

"That just makes it more interesting, dear," Mother Nature said, laughing.

"Tell Celestia we will be here when the Hourglass is activated CORRECTLY," Father Time said. "And to please try to avoid more accidental activations."

"I'm really sorry!" Sweetie said urgently. "Can you tell us why we saw a red dragon in it?"

"That is the enemy you soon must face," Father Time said, getting off his throne and onto all fours. He raised a hoof. "She waits in the Broken Lands," he continued. "But you knew that already. And you have seen what will happen if you lose."

"Or if you win," Mother Nature said.

"I like that one MUCH better," Sweetie said.

Me too. Even if it looks like you were about to... what the hell was that giant hand???

I know little of the Shadowelves, but I have never heard they worship a giant hand with a huge echo-y voice.

This world is weird sometimes.

"Can you tell me what my Cutie Mark will be?" Sweetie asked.

"It depends on the future you choose," Father Time said.

"And the company you keep," Mother Nature said. "It will come sooner than you think."

Way to be totally vague, guys. Way.

Then Father Time waved his hoof and reality came back.

******************

The entire deck was spread out around us and I was still holding onto Sweetie protectively, when reality came back. Celestia and Luna were here now. EVERYONE was here now, including a lance of Warponies.

Ack.

"I am so sorry, please don't turn me into a duck!" Sweetie said desperately.

"That's Twilight's job, random transformations," Celestia said cheerfully, then nuzzled Sweetie, while Luna looked stern. "You should feel proud of yourself, you got this little device to work," Celestia said.

"Father Time told me not to play with it any more and that he's waiting for it to be activated right," Sweetie said. "I'm sorry, I just wanted to help."

"You did," I told her.

Even the CMC are here, along with Ditzy, Lyra, and Bon-Bon. How long were we... doing whatever that was exactly?

"We saw a bunch of futures, including what happens if we succeed and what if we fail." I licked my lips. "I don't know how, but if we fail, she takes over Sind somehow and they invade. Led by the Elements of Power."

"And if you succeed?" Luna asked.

"WE BECOME TOTALLY AWESOME," Sweetie said. "Beating up evil giant hands and breaking their machines!"

"We're good at breaking things!" Apple Bloom said.

"Evil giant hands?" Luna said, confused.

"LOOK!" Scootaloo said, pointing at me. No wait, not me, SWEETIE.

Sweetie had a spread of five cards on her flanks, but you couldn't see which cards. Instead, you saw the back of the cards. Each of which had a blue shield with a yellow pony rampant and in the upper right and lower left corner, a blue hourglass.

Sweetie looked at herself and her breath caught.

"YES!!!!!!" she shouted and hugged me and her friends and Celestia and basically started working on everyone in the universe, even the warponies.

"Dammit, I thought a library would be boring but she got a cool cutie mark!" Scootaloo said, aggravated.

"Don't worry," Apple Bloom said. "We'll get ours soon," she said. But she looked jealous.

"It was in the city of the Shadowelves, some sort of giant hand monster that could make echoey voices in your head," I said. "There were these sparkling blue gems with eerie light and a machine tapping them for something and..."

Celestia and Luna frowned in unison. "Oh really," Luna said. "We will go over this later."

When people not cleared for big secrets are not around.

"Did you see my friends?" Pinkie asked urgently.

"I saw Rarity's father and Prince Blueblood and Helga," I said. "I think I was sort of inside his head. And I saw a future where Pinkamena becomes a fashion model working for Rarity. Or maybe for Clarity. Or both."

"I was inside Helga," Sweetie said.

Ivan snickered. DAMMIT, IVAN.

Lyra had a hoof over her mouth. But she clearly wanted to laugh.

"Was he okay?" Rarity asked urgently.

"Your father was fine, but battle was immanent. We had all vanished, but Helga brought some of Blackhill's forces to Equestria's aid for reasons never explained," I said.

"She was angry that the bad people had... she thought they'd killed you," Sweetie said hesitantly.

I suddenly wondered how much she knew now. Aaaargh.

"And she knew you were a friend of Equestria, so she wanted to help save it, since you'd.... died fighting for it." Sweetie shivered. "You too, Ivan. You two were her best friends in the world besides her husband. She loves you both very much." Her voice was urgent.

"That's Helga," Ivan said, smiling. "She and Marcus and I were like the five of you, back in our younger days."

"Why'd she leave you?" Twist asked, worried.

"She fell in love and wanted to get married and Darien didn't want to wander the world. So she gave it up for him," I told Twist.

Lyra made mumbly noises.

He wouldn't go to Boasttown either, Lyra.

"I hope she's happy with that," Twist said. "I don't want to give up my friends ever."

Sooner or later, you do. Which sucks. "She's still a part of our lives," I told Twist. "Very few people are lucky enough to get to be with their friends forever. But it doesn't mean you stop being friends. But unless you all marry each other," I said, then regretted even beginning the sentence, "each of you will share at least some of your life with someone else." Unless they abandon you like Dinky's father did. Bastard. Or they're like me and all their love affairs end in FIRE.

Scootaloo stared at the floor and I wondered what she was thinking. "I'm NEVER getting married," she said.

"Oh, Dinky," Sweetie said urgently. "Celestia's mother said that Oards are real and there's one in Ponyville!"

FUCK ME.

Dinky and Ditzy both looked utterly panicked. "He's not... Tell me the Oard doesn't have an hourglass cutie mark," Ditzy squeaked out.

"She was trying to trick you to make trouble! It's how she IS," I told Sweetie. "Ditzy, Dinky, I am sure she was just trying to get you two in trouble," I said urgently.

"Mother was there?" Celestia said, frowning intensely.

"Does she have a cutie mark of a golden goblet with a bubbling red fluid in it?" I asked.

Ivan made a strangled noise. "That's her."

"You've met Celestia's mother?" I said in surprise.

"I know the signs of the Immortals. I can study seriously if it's IMPORTANT," Ivan said. "Sweetie, you can't trust anything that person said." His voice was urgent.

"My mother is not very nice, unfortunately," Celestia said sadly.

"Tell us everything she said," Luna said firmly.

I looked around and tried to subtly indicate the presence of people like the CMC and the warponies.

Luna let the warponies return to their stations and had Ditzy take the CMC, except for Sweetie, for a 'snack'. Then we told everyone what we'd seen. I was surprised they had Lyra and Bon-Bon stay but I left it to their judgment

"I don't understand what's wrong with your mother," Sweetie finally said.

"She is very mean and I am still trying to show her the error of her ways," Celestia said.

"It's a longterm project," Luna said.

"Well, maybe it's working," Sweetie said. "She was nice to me but Marcus said we had to run away so I made us run."

"Old Nervous Nellie time again," Applejack said, grinning a little.

"It was wise to flee," Luna said. Applejack blinked and I smiled a little. Thanks, boss.

Luna now nuzzled me gently as Celestia did the same with Sweetie. 'We have to ensure Father doesn't get his hooks into Sweetie and her friends.' Her voice echoed in my mind as she wove a spell to let us communicate privately.

'I know,' I told her, mind-to-mind. 'Just tell me what to do.'

'She trusts you very much,' Luna said thoughtfully.

'She is young and naive and trusts adults. And I am approved by her sister, who she idolizes. I just want to help her, but it would easy for someone to gain her trust and abuse it.' She's a nice kid. But like most kids... especially pony kids... she trusts too easily. 'Would Blueblood really get put in charge of an army like that?'

'Not as a first, second, or third choice, but if enough of the high command died, possibly yes. There are many who would follow his name still if the call for war came,' Luna said. 'It would be a sign of desperation, though.'

Seeing he has some decency sucks; it's hard to hate someone once you've seen their better side and for what he did to Rarity, I want to hate him without remorse.

Damn you, conscience.

'There is a light in every darkness and darkness in every light', Luna said to me. 'I did not understand that, once.' Her voice was freighted with sorrow. But then it lightened. 'I wish to be the one who finds that light and helps others to find it in themselves. That they may walk out of the darkness and into the light once more. There is darkness in all of us and sometimes it is a useful tool. But we must master it instead of it riding us. You and I, we have made mistakes. But we can fix them. You did well, my little human.' She smiled at that and I laughed softly.

'Thank you. I have a soft spot for children,' I told her. 'And Sweetie is very lovable' I paused. 'So you and Celestia hope to reform your fa... mother? Many have tried and failed, you know. It is dangerous even to try.'

'I know. But if Celestia had not believed in me, I would not be here now,' Luna said. 'Mother has fallen much farther, but we must try. For her good and ours. But that is a story for another day. For now, let's focus on Marjorie.'

I nodded to her. 'That's wise,' I told her. 'Are you going to stay for the star-gazing?'

'I think so, since I am here anyway,' Luna said and released me. "Well, we should call the kids back, so Twilight can teach them and us a lesson about the stars."

"I'm sure you know more than me," Twilight said modestly.

"I would like to hear it from you; I talk to myself all the time," Luna said. "Even if talking to yourself means you always have the best listener."

She and Pinkie laughed at that. The rest laughed a little. I'd heard the joke too many times.

The CMC soon returned and we headed to stargaze.

************

Sweetie and I got taken to Luna's office and she and Celestia went over what we'd seen in excruciating detail. Then Sweetie was sent to go to bed and I stayed.

"I think we may have to try to lure them out," I said. "Though I don't know how... those futures were contradictory, so I assume there is some way to get around us losing in the Broken Lands."

"We will spend time studying and preparing before rushing into anything," Celestia said. "Luna and I have agents who will gather more information."

"We can research things like more scrying magic and defenses to try and ensure we can get surprise on them," I said. "With my knowledge of dirty tricks and experience of this kind of evil maniac's fortresses, Twilight's knowledge of arcane theory and vast power, and Rarity's precision control of magic, I bet we could whip up some interesting spells of use for this."

"We had best not rush into things, though most of the futures, you did seem to succeed," Celestia said. "It would be better if we could set a trap of our own devising."

"I agree," Luna said.

I leaned back in my chair. "So what do you want me to do?"

"Work with Twilight and Rarity on magic," Luna said. "We will need to gather more intelligence, I think."

"Of course," I said. "They're fun to work with."

Celestia gave me the look which means I am about to be screwed with.

Dammit.

"Looking forward to a threesome?" she said cheerfully.

Luna buried her face in her hooves. "Celestia!"

"I don't think I'm enough of a stallion for you and Luna at the same time," I told her, trying to counter-strike.

Luna turned red. "Marcus!"

"Oh my, you do dream big," Celestia said. "I'm just teasing, dear," she said to Luna, then nuzzled her gently. "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You know I love you."

"I love you too, big sister," Luna said, now smiling brightly.

"Is there anything that needs to be done for Sweetie?" I asked. "I know sort of how cutie marks work, but I don't know if this means she's going to... well, humans have all sorts of issues during puberty."

"Yes," Celestia said. "There are health issues but Rarity will handle that. The biggest concern is to avoid too much friction between her and her two dear friends. They are likely to feel frustrated she got it before they did. So please help them to deal with it. And help Sweetie with her magical studies."

"Of course," I said. I was now reminded. "Did you turn my tattoo into a Cutie Mark?" I asked. "Or what?"

"You don't remember how you got it, right?" Luna said softly.

"I dimly remember winning a huge pile of money from dwarves who tried to cheat me. Then I blew it all on my friends and women and the usual idiocy. I think I got the tattoo but I don't remember being tattooed."

"Bastet put it on you, I think," Luna said. "It anchored you to the sword and the reincarnation. It also was, I think, an effort by her to produce something like a Cutie Mark, but it didn't work right."

"Producing chaos," I said. "Loki... said I was tied to Chaos."

"Yes," Luna said. "You still are. With time, though, you should gain control of it. I did my best to fix what she did."

"Am I... going to turn into a pony?" I asked. I would rather be human.

"No," Luna said. "Should you choose to take on a pony form temporarily, you will now be very hard to tell apart from one of us, but I know you prefer being human, and I will not force any sort of permanent change on you. That being said, you will likely sometimes find it advantageous or useful to take on a pony form, working for us. Also, if you end up having to reincarnate by the sword, we cannot control what happens. That is in the hands of Mother Nature. If you want, we can talk to Fluttershy tomorrow about recharging it, if she is willing. Celestia and I cannot do it."

"Because the Sphere of Matter handles reincarnation?" I asked.

"Yes," Luna said. "I leave the choice in your hands."

Celestia opened her mouth.

"The sword will eventually recharge. On the other hand, I know you are tired of turning into different people. But it could be very useful for an emergency," Luna said. "The choice is in your hands. You work for us, but you are a friend, not a slave. I want to leave you as much control over your life and destiny as I can within the limits of being our sworn man. Freedom is important to me," she said, her voice turning urgent on the last sentence.

"We prefer to guide more than command," Celestia said.

"I know, it's why I was willing to swear to you," I said softly. "And why Ivan likes you. But you know how it is with him."

"A little," Luna said. "Tell us more."

So I told them about Ivan and his hopes. Things I hadn't even known until this trip. I have to tell him about that one vision.

"I approve," Luna said, smiling. "Passion for the freedom of your people is a good thing. One day, I hope, all of Mystara will be free."

It's hard for me to dream like that. All my dreams end in fire. But I hope Ivan's dream comes true.

And that I haven't been killed yet when it happens.

************

Afterwards, I was going to head to bed, but Rainbow Dash found me and we ended up wandering into the gardens. "What's up, Dash?"

"Hey, you've, umm... dated a lot of people since, you're... really old, right?"

Ahahah.

"Yes," I told her. "I'm not so sure a lot of my past experience is a good guide except for 'things not to do'," I told her as we walked along.

"You and me both," she mumbled and I patted her head.

"Anyway, what's up?" I asked.

"I... umm... ahaha..." She started to become more agitated.

I blinked. "What?"

"I... see... umm... Is it... ahahah..." Rainbow Dash was practically vibrating.

"You having some kind of problem with Soarin'?" I asked.

"Not a problem. Just wondering...umm... I mean, I know you two... umm... aahahahahaha!" Rainbow Dash suddenly bolted. "I hear my mother calling!" she shouted and flew off.

....

I wonder if I look like that sometimes.

It would explain a lot.

***********

"I never used to encounter Immortals like this," I mumbled, then said more clearly to Fluttershy, "Anyway, so she wants you to save Dragonfly if you can."

"She means well, she's just crazy," Pinkie said.

I was in their room, leaning on the wall, while they were camped out on their bed. They were sharing a room.

"I will do my very best," Fluttershy said very seriously. "She is my sister, and I will save her."

"I have a lot of people to save," Pinkie said, studying herself in the mirror hung on the wall. "Celestia said she will help me."

"Good. Celestia likes to drive me crazy but she's a good person and she always tries to protect ponies," I said.

"I'm a little jealous you got to see her and I didn't," Fluttershy said, then put a hoof over her mouth.

"Well, it was an accident and they said to stop monkeying around without knowing what we were doing," I told her. "So you might have gotten in trouble."

I yawned. "I had best go to bed. Just wanted to tell you that, since she told me to."

"Thank you," Fluttershy said. "Sleep well and let the bed bugs bite, they need to eat too."

Druids are weird.

***********

"You might try talking to Dash," I told Rarity. "She seems to have some kind of relationship issue that she tried to talk to me about but she totally came unglued and tried to claim her mother was calling her." I hung up my coat. Rarity had already changed into her nightrobe. Sweetie was busy shuffling cards, dealing, then gathering and reshuffling.

"I would be glad to," Rarity said. "I had some coltfriends in school, so I know of such matters. Dash tends to either be very confident or very panicked, I've noticed."

I know that feeling. "I'm going to bathe," I said, heading for the bathroom.

"I can help!" Sweetie said, then sagged. "Oh, right."

I ruffled her mane. "Thanks, Sweetie. I'll be fine." I touched my back. "Being human does have its advantages."

"Bathing alone sounds boring," Sweetie said.

"Ever made a house of cards?" I told her.

"A what?"

I showed her the basics. "Work on that while I bathe," I told her and she got to work.

Rarity smiled at me and I smiled back. Sweetie's a good kid. A kid, but a good kid.

I felt a burst of magic in there while I was busy doing my hair. "Is everything okay?" I shouted.

"It's a letter!" Rarity shouted.

Okay. Ahh, bathing, one of the most wonderful of things. Soon, I was clean and happy, despite being reminded I now have DOUBLE tattoo action. I could feel the magic in it.

For one paranoid moment, I thought someone was in the room with me, but instead I heard Sweetie shout, "Dumb cards!"

"Just build it up again!" I shouted. "It's in the nature of cards to fall, but you can just pick them up and try again! It's persistence which leads to success!"

Or sometimes, blind luck, but you can't count on that.

'I couldn't have brought you here if you hadn't already tied yourself to Chaos!' Loki's voice echoed in my head. Ugh. I know why, but...

"Marcus, are you okay?" Rarity asked, sounding worried.

Great, I'm making noises and not realizing it.

"I'm fine," I said. "Just thinking about all the weird things we saw on our little journey."

I finished bathing, clad in my nice nightrobe, and came out. "Being clean is a wonderful thing."

"It certainly is," Rarity said.

I sat down on the bed, studying Sweetie's house of cards. "Nicely done," I said.

A few seconds later, it collapsed.

'bring Chaos'. Fuck you, Loki.

"Dammit!" Sweetie said.

"You shouldn't curse," I told her. "Who did you get a letter from, Rarity?"

"Your friend Helga."

FUCK.

"What about?"

"Girl talk," she said playfully.

Double FUCK.

Please, Helga, you had better be discreet.

"Now, lie down," Rarity said. "I'm going to give you a massage."

I was soon making happy noises.

Sweetie now leaned on the side of the bed. "Marcus told Mother Time and Father Nature... I mean Father Time and Mother Nature that we're very important to him." She smiled brightly.

I turned a little red. "Yes, I did," I said into my pillow.

I could FEEL Rarity's smile. "You're both very important to me too," she said.

I tried to read her mind. That could mean 'good buddy'... Helga would say that, after all. Or it could mean 'turn into a pony and TAKE ME NOW' or perhaps a more child-safe version of that sentiment. I don't even know if... I don't really want to know.

"I'm sure Father is going to like you very much," Sweetie said.

"He's going to hate me. I saw the inside of his mind and he is going to hate me," I said, then sighed into the pillow.

Rarity frowned. "Why?"

"He's the stern, tough type who doesn't like anyone who shows fear, like me."

Rarity sighed. "Yes, but you are not a coward. You may be scared, but you stood up for me and for everyone. He may have to be won over, but we WILL win him over." There was a steel in her voice which would brook no denial.

"You helped me get my Cutie Mark!" Sweetie said. "I'm sure he'll be grateful!"

"Just be careful you don't rub it in your friends' faces," I told her. "You might point out that they're part of it, since your group's mark is part of yours."

"Oooh, maybe they should try what I did," Sweetie said.

Rarity said, "They have to find their own but I think it's a sign you all are linked by destiny."

"I hope we'll be friends forever," she told us fervently.

Rarity and I glanced at each other, then Rarity said, "We hope so too." Her voice was kind, but I knew she understands.

"Oooh, now you can tell me all the secrets Cutie mark holders get to know!" Sweetie said.

"Once your friends get theirs, we'll tell you all at once, so none of you feel left out," I said quickly.

Ideally, Marjorie will eat me before then.

We soon went to bed and slept well.

****************

The next two days was a combination of studying how to use the horn Celestia had given me and working on various kinds of spell research with Rarity and Twilight. Twilight's a good teacher, and I could tell she enjoyed the hell out of it.

We also spent some time with Dona Carlotta, when she wasn't busy on the trade negotiations. It was nice to see her but it also made me nervous. Her boyfriend, Herr Otto, seems like a decent guy; he came around as well. He kept giving me funny looks for some reason, though.

Not 'I think you're Erik and I want 50,000 gold' looks but definitely he thought something odd about me. I don't know why.

The CMC were plotting something. I know the signs of sneaky plans and they were sneaky ALL OVER. They spent a lot of time making candy with Pinkie and Bon-Bon, and the four of us (myself, Rarity, Spike, and Twilight) kept getting called on to test various flavors. Some of it was a disaster (who thought horseradish was a good candy flavor?) and some was quite good (a lemon candy that Apple Bloom dreamed up).

The others were busy training, getting supplies and in the case of Applejack, fretting about her farm and constantly bugging Spike to mail Big Macintosh about things. We were busy preparing and studying and finding spells which would be useful. Especially we worked on anti-scrying magic. Without it, we couldn't achieve surprise.

Rarity and I took a walk in the gardens one afternoon to stretch our legs. Twilight was attending some ministry meeting at Celestia's invitation. Probably getting them used to the day when Twilight becomes one of the Princesses.

Spike had said he was going to his favorite donut shop, but in fact, he'd dressed up in his top hat and cloak and fake mustache and was stalking us. It was cute, really.

I was about to pluck a flower and place it over Rarity's ear when I realized I might get in trouble for that. The temptation was strong but the last thing I need is to give Spike an excuse to get me in trouble.

I could buy a flower, though; I have money. What an odd and wonderful feeling.

"Is it okay to pluck the flowers?" I asked Rarity.

"Probably best not to disturb them," Rarity said. "I'm not sure."

Fluttershy came into sight; she was busy playing with several bunnies and looking happy. Rarity stared, then looked relieved.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing," she said. "I guess they're used to her now."

We dodged another way and came to the castle hedge maze. It's huge. "Oooh, a maze," I said. "I like mazes."

"Then let's venture in," she said and we began to wander its highways and byways; at one point, we walked in on two ponies kissing, leading us to run off down another hallway.

"I don't think they noticed," Rarity said, looking a little flustered.

"They likely won't notice anything for a while," I said.

"EEEE!!!" Spike shouted behind us.

"Or maybe not," I said and we both laughed. There were sounds of shouting and running ponies.

That's one less pursuer.

There were various statues of famous ponies; some of them Rarity knew to tell me about, some not. But we whiled away our time pleasantly, chatting and looking at all the art which decorated it.

Then we came upon a strange thing, a large 'room' in the maze. There was a small building here, made of mud and straw bricks, with an enchantment upon it, protecting it from wind and weather. There were statues inside it and outside it, humans engaged in mundane tasks: a middle aged woman and her daughter were grinding corn down into cornmeal, a man was brewing some sort of alcohol, another woman was busy baking bread inside, a man was busy tanning a deerhide and yet another man was forging copper. Several children were weaving baskets.

It was like a miniature museum for a long gone lifestyle; the women all had their hair coiled up in fancy buns; the men all had their hair cut short and some of it in the back which was longer was somehow forced upward, kind of like a peacock's tail. Each of the men had one or more feathers in their hair; each of the women one or more flowers.

There were signs, which explained this was the 'Memorial of the Fallen', a tribute to the humans who had once dwelt in and around the plateau but who had been wiped out by the Orcs who had brought the Ponies here as slaves.

"Shouldn't this be in a more public place?" I asked.

"There's a museum down in the city," a voice said from behind the building.

We both jumped and the old pony came around; he was clearly a gardener. "The Princesses come here about once a week for a while," he said. He looked us up and down. "Lady Rarity," he said, bowing. "And who are you, young man?"

"I'm Samus Marcus, a unicorn human, sworn man of the Princesses."

"Oh, THAT human," he said knowingly.

Fuck.

"What does that mean?"

"I heard Princess Celestia fancied a human by that name. Very strange, but she bears so much weight, she has the right to indulge herself a little." He looked me up and down assessingly.

"She is just teasing," Rarity said firmly.

He looked at Rarity, then at me.

"I am sure she is not serious about it," I told him. "It's just friendly flirtation."

Now Rarity frowned. Aaargh, a million ways to interpret that, dammit.

"Well, enjoy your visit," he said. "I'm just washing the statues. They tend to collect a lot of dirt."

"We'll leave you to your work," I said to him.

We walked on, but I felt a little melancholy for the fallen. At least someone remembers them.

**************

The center had a gazebo with several swinging benches. Study showed they were the right size for two ponies to sit sphinx-style, facing each other. We sat down on one of them.

"Did you ever find out what Dash was so agitated about?" I asked.

"Overly jumpy relationship stuff. Soarin' has duties and practice and can't spend as much time with her as he could on the mission and she was feeling jumpy over whether this meant they were through or doomed and so on," Rarity said. "I was able to help her calm down and think it through."

"Cool," I said.

"So we're going dancing with them tonight," Rarity said.

"Okay," I said. May be a bit awkward for me as I'll likely be the only human there unless Ivan comes.

"Lyra says the place is VERY good. She and Bon-Bon are coming. In fact, we'll probably have quite the herd," Rarity said.

"That's fine," I said, staring off at the walls of the labyrinth, huge green hedges with little white and blue flowers.

"What's on your mind?" she said softly.

Wondering what's on YOURS, I thought. Could we have a relationship? I like her, but, you know, pony. Of course shapeshifting but then she'd want me to be a pony sometimes too. She'd have the right. I don't know... The idea boggles me.

But I like Rarity a lot.

"Every time I have something good, it blows up, or I blow it," I told her. "I'm just worrying in a circle." I sighed.

She patted my knee. "Don't be afraid. You are safe here. I know you've seen a lot of death." She sounded saddened by that. "But you're safe here and with us. And you know Celestia and Luna will protect you."

I'm carrying one of them on each hip.

Figuratively.

The problem, really, is that I can totally see hanging out with Helga like this. It was never romantic with us; I wasn't her type. But we did a lot of stuff together, even slept in the same bed; when you're an adventurer, you don't even split the party for sleeping.

I'm not brave enough to ask and I don't know what answer I want.

I put my hand on her hoof on my knee. "Thank you," I said to her.

If she was human...

But I could wish that until the cows come home.

I am going to have to come clean eventually.

We sat like that for a little while.

Sudden Celestia. "Hello, Marcus. I'm done stealing Twilight from you." She draped herself over me. "Now I will steal you for myself."

Twilight now came up cheerfully. "Hello, Rarity, Marcus." She looked at our hand and hoof on my knee and she smiled. "Sorry to interrupt you, but we need to get back to work."

Celestia was studying that herself thoughtfully and I said, "Are we going to go make magical hybrid babies now?" I said cheerfully. Best to get it over with.

Twilight and Rarity both froze, and Celestia said, "My, my, how forward you are," teasingly. "Do you say that to all the girls?"

"Only the best," I teased her back. Don't panic. She'll stop once I stop freaking out. "So how many babies are we talking?"

Twilight looked panicked. "I'm sorry, Celestia, I need them RIGHT NOW."

"Oh my, you are so passionate in your desire," Celestia said and Twilight turned red.

"Not like THAT," Twilight said, tugging on both Rarity and I. "We really have a lot of work to do before we go dancing tonight."

"So do I, since I am coming," Celestia said.

...

"Really?" Twilight said.

"I will have to disguise myself, but the Crusaders have told me I MUST come. And as a good princess, I must help my subjects."

Okay, now I am curious.

"Rarity, I will need you before we go to dress me up to look nice but not so regal it gives me away," Celestia said. "Once you dress Marcus and Twilight up."

"I can dress myself," Twilight said, sounding embarrassed.

"Yes, but Rarity will improve on that," Celestia said. "You should look your best for all the handsome young stallions who will no doubt flock to you." She gave me a look out of one eye.

What? I want Twilight to be happy and she's better off without someone who has lied to her. Even if...

Don't think such things. I deserve to have her get angry with me. It would be too easy if she forgave me just like that.

But I have to tell her anyway. Somehow. Without killing myself in terror.

"They'll be flocking to Rarity," Twilight told my feet.

"Darling, you will have all the men you could ever want when I'm done with you," Rarity said, grinning.

Twilight smiled nervously, and Celestia and Rarity had this eerily similar smile. I think I might have had it too. It's for her own good, really. It's best she forget about me.

Except I have to tell her eventually and she's going to be so hurt.

DAMMIT.

"We'd better go work," Twilight said, grabbing us and we let ourselves be taken.

*************

That evening, after I got suited up, I got dragged off by the CMC to a room. Ivan's, I think. I now realized he had it to himself.

Big Macintosh was here, looking a little overwhelmed as the fillies bounced around trying to suit him up.

They're trying to set up Celestia with BIG MACINTOSH?

Okay, he seems an okay guy but... Okay, I have no clue what Celestia goes for when not teasing me.

"Hey, Big Macintosh," I said. "So you're the mystery date for Celestia?"

"For Princess CELESTIA?" he said in shock.

The fillies laughed nervously.

"What, you didn't tell him?" I said, hands on my hips.

"We were going to!" Apple Bloom protested.

I buried my face in my hands. "I am so sorry," I told him. "I assumed they'd gotten a willing volunteer."

"It's okay," he said. "I just... does Princess Celestia know?" He sounded just a touch nervous.

The CMC tried to look as cute and innocent as possible.

I breathed in and out. "Celestia will be very happy to see you," I told him. If I have to kick her in the ass to get her to be happy. "She likes big, strong ponies." She does NOW.

If she can embarrass me all the time, she owes me. I am going to make this a good date for them for his hopeful sake if it kills me.

Even if, and probably nothing will come of it long term.

"Oh no!" Twist suddenly said.

"What?" I said.

"We forgot to get Luna a date too!" Twist said.

"She's coming too?"

"Yes," Twist said. "I think."

"Umm... it's such short notice..."

"I will find her a date," I told them. "Find a male pony to help you; I don't know how any of this goes on a pony. I'm sure one of the butlers can help you."

Ivan, you dragged me into this whole giant chain of events. Time for you to be an escort.

Where am I going to find anything decent for him to wear at this hour?

Dammit.

************

"Don Diego, you are a kind man," I told him. Even better, Silver Fork, Diego's butler, was off sprucing up Big Macintosh.

He had supplied Ivan with a nice suit and we were getting him all dressed up. He'll look Belcadizian, but since Belcadizians are hot, that's a good thing.

Ivan looked thoughtfully at Don Diego, who blinked. "Yes?"

"Hell, why not," Ivan said. "I should look the part." He got his potion of Polymorphing and took a long swallow. To my confusion, he seemed to have more potion than he'd had at the end of the mission even after drinking. His skin darkened and his features subtly shifted and his ears turned pointed and he now looked like a Belcadizian.

Don Diego stared, then laughed. "Many of my kin would beat you for that, but I think you look just fine. You and Princess Luna will have a fine time tonight."

I am torn between knowing Lyra will want to try that and knowing that Bon-Bon probably will not. Best not to make any more trouble for them.

"I hope so," Ivan said. "I haven't been to a dance in forever. If you count ones that didn't end in a riot, even longer."

Ahaha.

If we had a riot... Celestia would EGG IT ON.

AHAHAHAH.

"I wish I had brought my dear wife," Don Diego said sadly. "Unfortunately, she is deep in her research and probably is sleeping at her lab table as we speak."

"Oh god, who is in charge of keeping the CMC under control while we are at the dance?" I said. "Is Ditzy coming?" And will she actually keep them in check or fall asleep?

"I have heard alternating rumors that she does or does not have a boyfriend and he is or is not coming," Ivan said. "And I have no idea who is going to keep the kids from leveling the place."

"Well, I could take care of them," Don Diego said.

Oh bloody hell.

"That would be great," Ivan said.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

This is how the world ends. Don Diego and five young, impressionable minds who have an appetite for adventure.

I don't know how I know this, but either Celestia planned this or somewhere she is laughing RIGHT THIS MINUTE.

Oh boy.

Then Rarity charged in, grabbed me, and pulled me off.

***************

"Marcus, we have a grave responsibility tonight," Rarity said to me urgently. She was dressed up in a nice purple dress I don't think I've seen before. "Very grave. And some crises to resolve before we go."

"Go on?" I said.

"Fluttershy has locked herself in a closet and won't come out ever," Rarity said. "She's naturally shy and doesn't have a date and if we aren't careful, even if she goes, she'll lurk and wish she was cuddling animals or hugging trees."

I nodded. "Right."

"Big Macintosh is apparently here and my sister and her friends are setting him up with Celestia and I cannot see how this cannot end in disaster. I don't wish to see him embarrassed," Rarity said, frowning.

"Silver Star is helping him right now. I'll talk to him once I get a chance," I told her. "I found Luna a date too."

"Twilight is reading books about meeting boys; if we do not take action, she will STILL be reading when she could be actually MEETING said boys," Rarity continued. She consulted her floating checklist. "Someone has to run herd on my sister and her friends but basically, it seems EVERYONE in our group is going."

"Don Diego has volunteered to take care of them," I said. I'm sorry, Canterlot. I am SO sorry.

She looked relieved. "I forgot, we have met some of the Glantrians. Dona Carlotta and her boyfriend are coming with us, at Twilight's invitation. They should ideally not be any trouble as long as you stop looking at him funny."

"He looks at ME funny," I protested.

Rarity adjusted her glasses, which she was wearing for some reason. "Darling, you keep looking at him as if you think Dona Carlotta would be better off dating a box of donuts. Is there some reason you don't like him?"

"He's fine," I told her.

Rarity sighed. "Fine. Just mute the glares, okay?"

"I'm not glaring," I grumbled.

He just isn't very impressive compared to her.

That's ALL.

"Now Sweetie glares at him too," Rarity said, sighing. "And doesn't even know why. Just that you glare."

I buried my face in my hands. "Okay, okay, no glaring."

She sighed. "I'm sorry to badger you, dear, but this *has* to be better than our last group outing. Which was a disaster. Now, next on the agenda," she said, ticking off the list. "Applejack has to be convinced to dress up at least a little. Pinkie is actually totally fine, except she's fretting over her... you know what I mean. I can't really call them 'imaginary' now. Ivan... does he have something nice to wear?"

"Suited up by Don Diego," I said.

"What a dashing fellow he is, and a true gentleman," Rarity said, smiling. Check mark made. "Spike is suited up, thankfully. Spike understands the importance of looking stylish." She sounded very approving. "Can you talk to Twilight? I will handle Fluttershy and TRY to get Applejack to fancy up a little."

"Is Ditzy okay?"

"Oh my, I nearly forgot," Rarity said. "I need to find out if her 'boyfriend' is actually real and her boyfriend and coming or if he is as imaginary as the 'Oards'." She said the latter word with clear disbelief in their existence

Which may not be imaginary. "I will check in with Ditzy if you are handling two people."

"Thank you, darling," Rarity said. "There's another thing, but... meet with me once we get everyone else in motion."

"Okay," I said, wondering what it was as I ran off.

*************

"Twilight, all you need is to show up," Spike said to Twilight, who had six books out and was frantically making a list. "And talk to people. It will be fine. You certainly can't learn all this in twenty minutes."

"If I screw this up, Rarity won't be happy at all, she keeps telling me I need to meet some guys and I don't even know what to say, I mean they aren't likely to want to talk about the problem of dating Pharaoh Thutmose V!" Twilight said frantically.

I stood in the doorway, then said, "Just be your lovable self," I told her. "They'll be there because they WANT to meet beautiful, intelligent ponies like you."

Twilight turned a little red and Spike said, "EXACTLY. You're dressed well, and you will rock the house."

It was a blue dress with white stars and I thought it looked very nice. "And dancing's not hard," I told her, coming over. I took her by the hooves and spun her around, circling the room in a pretty standard three-step move-set. "Don't you have dances in Ponyville?"

"Half the time I have to DRAG her," Spike said, shaking his head. "It's gonna be just fine, Twilight."

A white coated earth pony, wearing sunglasses, with a multi-colored mane, stuck her head into the room. "You two look marvelous together," she said warmly. I didn't know her voice or her face, though she was the size of a male pony. Her cutie mark was a pony getting a pie to the face. She wore a sky blue blouse with a pink pie on it and a long dark blue cloak.

See, how do you get anyone to NOT see it coming with that cutie mark?

"Hi, I'm afraid I don't know you," Twilight said. "I'm Twilight Sparkle and these are my friends Spike and Samus Marcus."

I twirled Twilight around and dipped her, then bowed. "A pleasure to meet you, ma'am. Please, no pies, we're about to go out."

"Awww," she said. "Not even a cupcake?"

"You can throw one at me," Spike said.

Nimbly, she extracted a cupcake with her tail and flung it at Spike, who caught it and ate it. "Thanks!"

She blinked, then laughed. "I am Vanilla Surprise," the pony said, bowing to us. "Where is my secret date?"

"We wou... OH," I said. It's CELESTIA. Nice disguise. "He's suiting up in Ivan's room." I gave her directions, not sure if she knew where to find it.

"Thanks!" she said and ran off.

"Wait, whose date is she?" Twilight asked.

...

"That was Celestia," I said.

"It was not Celestia at all," Spike said.

NOT AGAIN!!!!

"She didn't look like Celestia," Twilight said.

THAT IS THE IDEA.

I gave up. "Well, she's stealing Celestia's date if she's not Celestia," I said.

"We have to stop her!" Twilight said and charged off.

Tiny, petty revenge... is still revenge.

**********

Ditzy and Dinky had, in some way, become tangled up together in a huge grey sweater and were rolling around the floor of their room trying to get out.

I stared mindlessly.

"Help, it has us!" Dinky shouted.

I finally got it off them. "Thank you," Ditzy said. "I'll be suited up properly in just a minute."

"Is it true you have a boyfriend and he is coming?" I asked.

"He's just a friend but he will meet us there," Ditzy said. "Unless he has to go fight the Oards or the Blackballs or the Space Hippos again." She sounded quite worried this might be the case.

IE, he may or may not even exist.

Ditzy began putting on a pink and white dress which Dinky seemed to love but which I thought was too bright. "You look very nice," she said.

"Thanks," I said.

"You're going to have lovely children one day," Ditzy continued as Dinky helped pull the dress into place.

"I am? Do you do prophecies or something?" I have the impression that Ditzy does sphere and bubble magic with her cutie mark.

"I... no reason. Forget I said that," Ditzy said evasively, then began trying to get her cloak on.

I raised an eyebrow. "Ditzy, what's going on?"

"Nothing at all," she said. "Nothing to see here!" She rolled around for no reason. "MUFFIN!" she shouted. Her eyes went extra googly. But I could tell she was pretending.

"You can't fake insanity to me," I said, hands on my hips. "I used to wiggle out of chores by faking possession." I think.

"Oh no, it's the fog monster!" Dinky shouted and now fog rolled over everything; I heard the sound of ponies running away through the fog.

"..."

Then I heard the sound of collisions and someone shouting about pianos and a terrible noise like a pony hit half the keys on such with her body at once.

Time to go the OTHER way.

************

I was on my way to find Rarity when I realized someone was watching me. But I couldn't SEE anyone. This could be trouble or it could mean some of the CMC are stalking me.

"Man, Scootaloo looks like a chicken," I said loudly.

"DO NOT!" Scootaloo said.

BUSTED.

I grabbed her and pulled the cloak back. "Why are you following me?"

"It's just a coincidence we're sneaking this way," Apple Bloom said, now giving away HER position.

"Don Diego is going to take care of you all tonight," I told them.

"We want to go to the dance, because we know something cool will happen and maybe we'll get a Cutie Mark!" Scootaloo said.

"Yeah, it's OUR TURN," Apple Bloom said firmly.

"It's going to be adults dancing and holding hands and kissing, and you'd be bored out of your skull," I told them. "Holding hooves... whatever the pony equivalent is."

Scootaloo looked at her hoof. "Why would you hold a hoof? Are my horseshoes slipping?"

"This is why you'd be bored. Don Diego will entertain you a lot more."

"But you get into cool adventures! Orcs will attack or something and then we STILL won't have Cutie Marks," Apple Bloom said.

I began herding them along. "Nothing exciting is going to happen," I told them. Thus foolishly DOOMING myself.

***************

Rarity was flopped out on the bed. "I am tired before we even start," she said dramatically.

I helped her up. "You'll be fine once the music hits you," I told her. "Anyway, what's the thing you wanted to ask me about?"

Rarity shuffled on her feet, then studied herself in the mirror. "Does this dress suit me? Maybe it needs to match my hair more precisely."

"It looks fine," I told her. "You will knock them dead tonight."

"You always say the sweetest things," she said, smiling, then looked nervous anyway.

"Which makes you worry that I'm just saying it to be nice?" I said.

She froze.

"There are times where I butter people up, but when I compliment you, I mean it," I told her, patting her shoulder. "I try to be nice to everyone," I continued.

"Except Herr Otto," she said, a little sharply.

"You know she could do better," I told Rarity. "But I keep my mouth shut because I have no right to say anything."

"It's pretty noticeable how you sprinkle sugar on everyone but him, dear," Rarity said, looking at both of us in the mirror.

Not as subtle as I thought.

I studied myself in the mirror. Not bad looking but Erik had been substantially more handsome. As I measure it, anyway. That had been a nice body.

"Don't pout," Rarity said firmly to me, sounding aggravated. "I'm just telling the truth."

I sighed. "Thinking about past bodies I've had," I said softly.

Now she looked worried. "I only care about this one," she said, then put a hoof to her face. "That totally came out wrong."

"It's okay," I told her. "I'm trying to face forwards too. I don't want to lie around angsting over past lives." Too many reasons to fear THIS life.

I have to tell her everything, tell Twilight, and I can't do it.

"Exactly," she said. "I don't want to wallow in my past either." She licked her lips nervously, then floated a small jar out of her carrybag; it had four lemon gummies in it. "Marcus," she said, then hesitated.

"I do like those gummy candies," I told her. Had she made them as a present?

"I... have a proposal," she said hesitantly.

"Okay," I told her. A proposal which involves four gummy candies?

"Don't say okay until you hear it," she said. "You might not want to, and you have the right to say no." Her voice was hesitant. "I just think it would be a good idea to try this tonight, when it... will just be for fun."

I studied them... MAGIC. Shapeshifting magic. My eyes widened.

"This candy has been tested by Pinkie and Twist, who made it with input from Twilight," Rarity said carefully. "It will transform you AND your clothing for up to two hours each. So I will spend half the night as a human and you will spend half of it as a pony." She licked her lips very nervously.

I remembered Luna's words. 'That being said, you will likely sometimes find it advantageous or useful to take on a pony form, working for us.' And this would protect my clothing. "So it changes the clothing to suit?"

"Yes," she said. "I know you'd be too embarrassed going around naked, and we're trying to dress up anyway. It would look gauche if Big Macintosh wore a nice suit and you did not."

I closed my eyes for a few seconds to steady my nerves. If this goes wrong, I lose this suit AND get exposed and everything goes to hell and Twilight will blow me up, then cry and neither will make me happy. And Rarity won't be happy either.

I'm afraid and so sick of being afraid.

It's not the fear, it's whether you surrender to fear, a tiny Celestia in my head told me.

I do NOT want my conscience or whatever this is talking to me with her voice in my head!

"I'm nervous, but let's do it," I said.

"I'm nervous too," Rarity said softly. "What does it feel like?"

"It will feel strange. I remember the time I was a cat," I told her. "My senses changed, my balance... good shapeshifting magic compensates with the physical instincts, but you still have all sorts of things going on you're not used to." I licked my lips nervously. "Flip to see who goes first?"

"Okay," she said.

I got out an Equestrian Silver Bit; one side showed Luna and the other side the Moon. I flipped it nervously and it tumbled, then I missed it and it landed on the floor. "Oh wait, we forgot to call heads or tails," I mumbled.

She laughed. "Heads, you go first, tails, I go first."

I flipped it again. Tails. The Moon. Which I think would be tails here. "Tails, you win."

She opened the jar and pulled out and unwrapped a gummy, then devoured it. For a few seconds, nothing happened, but then, she gave a pained cry and I winced. She began to glow and her body to change, limbs shifting configuration, face changing, clothing shifting to fit a human figure.

She still had long flowing purple hair and blue eyes, but now she had pale skin, reminiscent of a 'pureblood' Alphatian (a type rarely found in Alphatia any more). Her dress had reconfigured to fit her feminine frame, which I found quite pleasing. In fact, within a few seconds, I felt a surge of hormones which I tried not to show. She was wearing the earrings I had bought her, which made me smile. She was slightly shorter than me, but not hugely so. And she still had a horn.

She looked at herself, smiled, then nearly fell down. Her dress swished about her legs, nearly trapping them several times. "How do I look?" she asked.

"Simply smashing," I told her warmly. She was so beautiful and I wanted... but we're not... But she may want...

SHUT UP BRAIN. "When you wear off, I will take one," I told her. "It doesn't hurt, I hope."

"The change itself is not pleasant, it's like trying to walk with a leg gone to sleep," she said.

I took her hand and kissed it, then took her arm with mine. "My dear little human," I said. "It is time for us to have some fun."

"You will have to show me the human dances," she said, oddly shyly.

"And you will have to show me the pony ones," I told her. This is going to be wonderful.

Or I will die.

Or both.

**************

Luna had taken on a human form as well. Or more precisely, she also was a Belcadizian elf, rather than human, wearing a red dress, lower cut than I would have expected (Rarity's dress dipped only a tiny bit at the neck). Only her blue hair marked her as not a normal Belcadizian; even her dress was in a Belcadizian style and she had a red rose tucked over one ear.

'Vanilla Surprise', AKA Celestia, had put on a somewhat fancier outfit, devoid of pies, to match Big Macintosh's nice suit. He seemed much more relaxed now, though at times, he shuffled a little uncomfortably, not used to so much clothing.

We'd all assembled and were ready to go. Ditzy looked at me nervously, but I just waved. Best to let it go for now. I don't think the future is fixed, anyway.

"Hey, alright," Ivan said, looking at Rarity far more than he had to. She twirled about, her skirts flaring; you could tell she had on three layers worth now. Somehow, as I didn't notice that many layers when she was a pony.

Don't stare, Ivan, I thought.

Twilight smiled brightly. "Your dress looks wonderful, Rarity."

"She is quite beautiful," I said firmly and Rarity smiled brightly.

Ditzy said, "Let's go. My friend is going to meet us there."

"Oh, Dr. Smith?" Twilight said.

"Yes," Ditzy said, smiling.

"Dr. Smith?" I asked.

"He's a history professor; he visits Ponyville a lot," Twilight said.

Ditzy had that 'AHAHAHAHAHA, I know a secret' smile that made me suspect there was more to 'Dr. Smith'.

Hopefully not the kind of 'more' which ends this party in fire.

**************

We rode in carriages to the dancehall, though Luna put a simple illusion on them to avoid giving away that they were royal carriages. We all got out and I found, to my utter surprise... someone had set up a sausage in a bun stand in front of Club DanceMoor. The teenage human girl in black running it looked exactly as bored and frustrated as one would expect. There was a green umbrella over the stand with the words 'DJ BIG D'S SAUSAGES' painted on it in black. "Big D saus..." Then the girl blinked at Luna, Ivan, myself, and Rarity.

"You friends of Dad?" she asked in surprise.

"Are you Aalbanese?" I asked curiously.

"Yeah, I dunno how Dad talked his brother into sending him along on the trade mission but he's here guest-DJing," the girl said. "We're from the Tri-Principality area." Krondahar, New Klantyre, and Bergdhovern basically clump together in north-central Glantri. Aalban is sometimes included, though it would make it the 'Quad-Principality area' which just doesn't sound as good. "Anyway, I got stuck here trying to sell sausages to Ponies. This was probably one of Dad's better ideas, really." She sighed. "By the way, don't notice he's an alchemist. It's supposed to be a secret, but he's terrible at keeping it."

"I'll try not to notice," I told her.

"Man, those smell good, but we can't really take food in," Ivan said, frowning.

"That's the other problem," the young lady grumbled.

Rarity sniffed the food and her eyes widened. "I feel strange," she said.

Was this a hint? Probably. "Would you like to try one?" I asked Rarity. "Or is that a 'prelude to illness' strange?"

"Not on the food," the girl said desperately.

"I..." Rarity hesitated, staring at the sausages. "Yes, I will," she said determinedly, though her hands shook a little.

"Would you like one, Lunette?" Ivan asked her.

"Yes, I would," she said. "I think it's a good idea to support enterprising young ladies."

I bought one for myself with just tomato sauce and white sauce. Rarity went hogwild, having hers slathered with everything.

"We're going to go ahead inside," Dash said to us. "While you all pig out."

I jumped; I'd managed to briefly forget everyone else was here. Sorry, guys.

"See you soon," Ivan said as the rest headed inside.

Rarity studied hers, then closed her eyes and took a bite. She ate delicately, but ended up with a big mess around her lips. I also ate carefully, and had minimal mess. Ivan and 'Lunette' apparently had a competition to see who could eat the fastest, then got ANOTHER one, to my surprise. Didn't they eat dinner?

"That was very good," Rarity said, surprised. "I would have another if I wasn't so full."

"Me too," I said.

"Dad will be ecstatic. Anyway, go have fun while I slowly go mad out here," the lady running the stand said.

I wiped Rarity's mouth and she wiped mine and we both laughed and headed inside.

************

o/~ There's a thought eater controlling me

o/~ And it's underneath the table.

"..."

The music had a pretty strong beat to it, but the lyrics, sung in a hideous voice, were terrible. A blue haired pony wearing sunglasses was up on a dais behind a pile of weird techno-magical equipment with a bunch of Blackmoorian style sound discs; there was also a tall, skinny, ugly human doing the singing and operating the equipment, while his pony companion looked very amused. He wore a battered white longcoat, covered with chemical stains; I would guess he must be the not-very-secret alchemist.

There are seven 'secret crafts' of magic in Glantri. In practice, most people can guess if you can belong to one of them, *especially* the alchemists, for obvious reasons.

Club DanceMoor had a Blackmoorian theme to it, full of techno-magical things which probably were entirely magic or just art. But it looked authentic to my casual knowledge. I didn't see Twilight...

Twilight was reading off a list to a green coated, black maned stallion who seemed a little overwhelmed, while Spike tugged on her leg. That's our Twilight.

I laughed softly. "Shall we dance?"

We moved out onto the floor, which was full of ponies; some were doing line dances, some in couples, some in coupled lines; Pegasi were dancing in the air above us. There were a handful of humans and elves here, Aalbanese and Belcadizians, and a larger group of Glantrian ponies.

The Belcadizian waltz is an easy dance if you can follow a beat. Or at least, I got enough practice it's easy for me. Dona Carlotta and Herr Otto saw us and joined us, two couples flowing in unison; I don't know if Rarity learned this dance somewhere or is a quick learner. Either way, we flowed together fluidly and it was wonderful. I could feel magic everywhere and the music pounded out a beat and I was swept away. We were dancing more formally than most of the couples, but I like formal dancing. Also, not having four legs, I couldn't copy the others anyway.

Though I will soon. It made me nervous something would go wrong and expose me. But I tried to shove that aside; it was easy with Rarity here.

I saw Ditzy dancing with a sepia-coated, brown maned pony with a golden hourglass cutie mark. Okay, THAT made me nervous.

"Are hourglass cutie marks common?" I asked Rarity as we swung ninety degrees and she spun. She stumbled, but quickly recovered. The potion provides fundamental instincts but not huge amounts of skill. I'm surprised she's done this well.

"Moderately," Rarity said. "Usually it means the person works as a clock or watchmaker or a historian."

Well, maybe I need not worry.

Dona Carlotta and Herr Otto now moved in and switched partners with us and we moved into a really fancy dance; Dona Carlotta and I had to take the lead, as it was clear Otto and Rarity didn't have our depth of experience (though not surprising at all in Rarity's case; I was quite impressed she was doing so well.) We circled the floor, switching back and forth in a series of elaborate moves, culminating in a rush straight forward to our original starting point and flickering out to where we stood side by side, free arms extended, the Butterfly.

Lunette and Ivan applauded us and we then had to show them how to do the dance; this took a while but was lots of fun; we soon had all the humans and elves in the place doing it; some of the ponies joined us, like Lyra and Bon-Bon.

I could see 'Vanilla Surprise' teaching Big Mac how to do some kind of pony dance that involved a lot of mirroring; it reminded me a little of the cha-cha. He was strong but not agile, so he struggled with it, but he had a very determined look and she smiled kindly at him the whole time.

I suspect I will not look any better but if Rarity is willing to do this for me, I have to reciprocate, nervous as I am.

We took a short break to get a drink; I was rather hot in my suit now and she in her dress. "It's strange," she said. "I can't smell you." She sounded disappointed.

"Given I apparently smell like bacon, maybe that's for the best," I mumbled into my cider. I didn't want to drink too much but Ponies make some good mixed drinks and other beverages.

Rarity had something that looked orange and had a tiny umbrella in it for no reason. She sipped it and smiled. "Interesting, it tastes different!" She took another sip. "I *like* your smell. It lets me know you are near or were there recently. How do humans tell each other are near?"

"Eyes, hearing," I said. I put a hand on her shoulder. "Touch. The usual."

"I miss being able to smell everyone," she said softly. "All I can smell here are the... bad smells." She wrinkled her nose.

"Your field of sight is more limited too." Oh man, I hope she doesn't walk into anything.

She blinked. "You're right." She took another sip and studied her hands. "On the other hand, these are nice." She took my hand and ran her fingers along the surface; her hands were smooth and soft and unscarred; mine were somewhat battered and worn. "How long have you been Marcus?" she asked softly.

"A few days before you met me," I told her.

Her eyes widened.

"I'm not even sure how exactly I died," I confessed.

Her eyes tried to widen more but ran out of room. She clasped my hand. "Marcus," she said warmly and sadly at once.

"Without Applejack, I would have been Marcus less than two weeks," I told her.

She shivered. "You would have stayed dead. Because your charge was up."

"Yes," I said sadly. Then I shook my head. "Let's not think of that. I can lie around and moan any time, but this time here together is fleeting." I downed my glass. "Let's make this a night to remember!"

We clinked glasses, then joined hands and went out to dance some more.

************

"Ask her to dance," I told the yellow coated, white maned earth pony who had been watching Twilight for the last fifteen minutes.

"She's so pretty," he mumbled.

"She is a beautiful unicorn and she's very friendly, but too many people are staring instead of asking her to dance," I told him, wondering what was wrong with these people. "You only live once."

Rarity was dancing with one of Herr Otto's friends, so I was on my own for the moment.

"Okay," I'll do it," he said. He had a cutie mark of a book, so hopefully, they'd get on well. Well enough to dance at least.

I flitted off and soon ended up dancing with Lunette. I spun her around and she laughed. "This is so much fun," she said. "We almost never get to just cut loose."

I could see Vanilla Surprise in a huge line dance now, with Big Mac in the men's line; they were having fun. "Ce... your sister is having fun too," I said, smiling.

"And so is he," Lunette said, smiling. She spun me around now and I gave a happy sigh. "I'm surprised to see you setting Twilight up with someone."

I laughed nervously. "I'll dance with her later when I'm a pony but since she seems to be lurking more than taking the initiative, I've kicked a few ponies her way." And stopped her consulting some book THREE TIMES. She must really be nervous.

Lunette studied me, making *me* nervous, and I swung her low, then brought her back up. "You want her to be happy," she said softly.

"Yes," I said. "She deserves happiness." Why wouldn't I want her to be happy?

I could see Ivan pontificating to some elven woman he was dancing with; she looked a little overwhelmed and I laughed softly. "Umm..." I didn't know if I should ask.

"Applejack tells me he makes a rather handsome pony," Lunette said with an impish smile.

"Is she..."

"I think Applejack is married to her farm, though I could be wrong," Lunette said. "I am curious, but I won't push him."

"I...Rarity got Pinkie and company to make a shapeshifting candy. I'm going to try... being a pony for a little bit... since Rarity did this for me," I said nervously.

I dipped her again, then we spun around each other, then darted forward in a charge, side by side. "Good," she said. "You've been animals before, right?"

"I've been a cat," I told her. I glanced at Rarity and felt my body suddenly pound. This is rather disorienting.

"You'll be fine," Luna said. "I'm proud of you for being willing to do it for her."

I feel like a kid being praised by Mommy. Don't be nervous. The spell will protect my identity.

I hope.

***********

I heard a distant Rarity yelp; she'd backed up to avoid someone who ran in front of her, but she'd stumbled into a pony, leading to a several pony and Rarity pileup. I ran to her aid and picked her up, then helped the ponies up and we both apologized to them. Rarity's usual charm soon had them disarmed.

We made one last dance and then she felt the candy starting to wear off. She yelped again, drawing stares and now dwindled down into her usual white pony self. My body now felt extremely confused as my hormones didn't know where to go or what to do.

"Marcus, darling, are you alright?" Rarity said, worried.

"Let me sit down and have a drink, and then I can take my turn," I told her. "I must need fresh air."

We went and got another drink; I just got apple juice. I could see Twilight dancing with a pegasus I didn't know. Good for her. Even if... Good for her.

If I... no, no, no. I...

"Marcus, are you sure you're okay?" Rarity asked, worried.

"I am thinking too much," I told her, drinking more of my drink. It was soothing. "I hope you enjoyed it," I told her.

She had something that smelled of pineapple. "I had a good time, but it was often disorienting. I felt like things were sneaking up behind me because I could hear but not see them." She sniffed my hand. "You feel more like Marcus now that I can smell you again. Not being able to smell you made you feel like you were someone else."

"Well, I normally can't smell you at all," I told her. I wondered what Rarity would smell like.

I'll find out soon. I licked my lips nervously and drank more of my drink.

My body feels so strange. Dammit, body, calm down.

The urge to just RUN was strong, but I fought it down. She could tell my agitation. She wasn't this nervous, so I shouldn't be, except I just spent two hours with a beautiful woman and now my body is all worked up.

Dammit.

I finished my drink. "Okay, before I worry myself to death," I said. "Hit me."

She blinked, then nodded. Out came the candy; the bartender studied us curiously and I got the candy and she put the jar away.

BREATHE.

I breathed in, and out and ate the candy. DAMN this is tasty as hell! "Wow, these taste GREAT."

I could see Vanilla Surprise looking at me. She looked VERY amused.

BITE ME.

The enchantment hovered in my mind.

Pony, I thought. Pony pony pony.

Point of no return.

Until it wears off, anyway.

************

FUCK it hurt, though not for long. It was totally like having a limb fallen asleep. ALL of them.

And then everything changed. The world got... bigger. I could see people nearly behind me, which was extremely surreal. And the smells. They hit me like a wall and I stumbled. Tons of smells I didn't know, couldn't recognize. Sounds, I could hear everyone talking at once, couldn't focus myself to stop hearing. Rarity tried to say something but it was hard to make myself hear the words. And all these dangerous smells.

Did I smell wolf? Something dangerous. People staring, smells I don't know, all these creatures, are they all really ponies? Why do they smell strange? Why do I smell all these things I DO NOT KNOW AND ANY OF THEM COULD BE DANGEROUS!

Other ponies nearby shifted nervously, responding to my growing panic and now Rarity looked very worried. The bartender said, "This is why I stick to this body."

I could see him and Rarity and some couple kissing behind me all at once, which was impossible and disorienting and all these smells, and the alcohol... how can anyone drink something which smells that much?

I have to get out of here. All these smells, all these people, I don't know these smells, something could hurt me!

I got too distracted by Twilight and Rarity to remember to see about recharging my sword and I could DIE.

"Marcus, what's wrong?" Rarity said, coming over to me as I braced myself to run for the exit and not to stop until all the danger went away. I could smell her, the scent of lilacs. She was so utterly beautiful that all I could do was stare and feel my hormones surge. ACK. At least I have pants on still.

Which probably looks weird on a pony.

"You're so beautiful," I said, though I suspect no one has ever sounded so utterly scared when they said that, before me.

That's me, an innovator.

She smiled brightly. "You are a very handsome stallion." She studied me. "You know, you look a fair amount like Twilight."

WHAT?

Did I smell wolf? I smell something dangerous! All these smells, I have to get out of here! "We have to run," I told her. "Before it gets us!"

"What gets us?" she said, looking around.

"I don't know, but I can't think and there's all this movement and smells and I don't know and it's dangerous!" I said frantically. "Come on, RUN!"

So we ran through the mob; having really wide vision helped me navigate through the crowd but the press of ponies slowed me down and that fueled my panic as Rarity ran with me; I could smell her worry. "Marcus, stop, it's safe here! You're okay!" she said, sounding guilty and worried.

"Everywhere I go, there's all these things I don't know," I said frantically. Running through the mob of dancers made it WORSE, in fact, and I stopped, feeling trapped as people danced around us. Also, wanting to... she... aaaaaaa!!!

My one comfort was that I could smell and see and hear Rarity; I knew her. I felt so weirdly alone in a sea of bodies, but I had a lifeline.

"Marcus, stop!" she said and got ahead of me. "You're fine, you're fine," she said urgently. "What is wrong?"

"I can't... there's all these smells and my brain is trying to sort them and it doesn't know them and it's like something is jabbing my panic center with a hammer," I said to her, fighting the strong urge to flee these dangerous, unknown smells. They could be ANYTHING.

Did I smell wolf? Or did I imagine it? It was dangerous, whatever it was.

Rarity blinked, then her eyes widened and she nodded. "Nuzzle me," she said.

More physical contact is going to make my other set of instincts go more crazy. But I did as she said. Pressed close to her, my face swaddled in the fabric of her dress, the other smells retreated. From her purse, five thimbles flew out and comforting scratched behind my ears and on my back and slowly I relaxed. "You like that, right?" she said softly.

"It feels wonderful," I said, feeling my panic dying down some.

"Better?" she said softly after a bit.

Fluttershy had somehow appeared or something. Maybe she teleported. She was wearing sunglasses and a big floppy hat and looked slightly hunted. But when she saw me, she somehow... grew more confident? Her fear melted, replaced by compassion. She smelled like butter. I felt like something clicked in my mind as I realized that. Panic levels down by half a percent. She now said softly, "It's okay, Marcus. Shapeshifting is very disorienting, especially a big jump like this."

"I thought cats had good noses but I didn't have this much trouble," I mumbled into Rarity's dress.

Fluttershy gently stroked me with her hoof. I could feel... something. My panic died down a little with each stroke. "This place is especially stinky," she said, then giggled a little. "If I had known you two planned this, I would have taken you somewhere to practice where you could adjust without so much to adjust to."

"Thanks," I said.

"It wasn't so bad for me," Rarity said, frowning. "Except everything seemed a little wrong because I couldn't smell everyone. Marcus didn't seem like Marcus without his scent." That clearly displeased her.

"You smell wonderful," I told Rarity. "And I like Fluttershy's smell, but everyone likes butter."

Fluttershy guided us over by one wall, out of the press of ponies. "Brush his mane," she said and Rarity began grooming my rather tangled, messy mane. As she worked on me, I felt soothed by it.

"Why the disguise?" I asked Fluttershy.

"If anyone recognizes me, everyone will want to dance with me," she said urgently.

"But you're a lovely pony, kind and gentle. It's only natural," I told her and she blushed a little.

Rarity looked embarrassed. "Fluttershy is a bit of a celebrity but doesn't like it."

"They don't like me, just the idea of me," Fluttershy said softly.

Soarin' made a noise and I jumped, ready to bolt. Then I smelled him and Dash. She smelled minty and he smelled... dammit, I know this herb... This herb I know but can't name. Soarin' said, "Hey, Fluttershy, I know how you feel."

Fluttershy started. "What? Oh, hi," she said. She hadn't noticed them either.

"Being a Wonderbolt is pretty awesome, but, well... it means most people don't see me, they just see this outfit." He touched his uniform, then sighed.

Dash now looked kind of nervous. She put an arm... leg... foreleg... around him and he did the same and she relaxed. "Well, I know the real you," she said, hesitantly.

"I'm going to teach you to play chess," he said to her.

She blinked. "Okay."

"And you can teach me something you love," he said.

She mumbled about love; even my keen ears couldn't follow it.

Rarity continued to brush my hair and I continued to cuddle up to her as much as a pony could. My nerves continued to slowly untangle.

"Can you get everyone?" Fluttershy said to Dash. "Just one or two at a time, so he can get everyone's scents and know us."

"What's wrong?" Dash asked frowning.

"Marcus is used to barely smelling anything and now he can smell everypony, the spilled drinks, the tobacco in the air from smokers, everything," Rarity said sympathetically. "He doesn't know what is dangerous and what is not and his brain tends to think everything he doesn't know is dangerous." She continued to groom me, and I drew comfort from her presence. Without it, I would have just run and run until I couldn't smell anything.

"That's our Marcus," Dash said, laughing.

Thanks Dash. THANKS FOR NOTHING.

"Damn, Marcus, you can't even go naked as a pony," Applejack said. She smelled, of course, of apples. Fermented apples. Mmm, damn, she smells good.

"I don't make you wear clothing, you can let me wear clothing," I said, fighting the urge to whimper. "This is hard enough without adding to my urge to panic." My voice wobbled. Ugh.

"You sound different," Applejack said thoughtfully. She circled me, sniffing. "Damn, nice smell, though."

I sniffed. "I can't seem to smell myself," I said.

"You smell musky, like a nice cologne," Rarity said to me. "I like it, though it is a little confusing."

"Yeah," Soarin' said. "My brain keeps trying to tell me you have to be someone else."

"I like the bacon smell better," Pinkie said. "How about a cookie?"

"Yes," I said and let her feed it to me. I felt a little better and now my legs weren't shaking and Rarity continued to groom my mane. It looked nicer now; it's still brown and I can see I am a kind of light purple, as if... you know, it's kind of like Rarity and Twilight had a child or something.

Pinkie then reached inside my shirt. "Umm, Pinkie, what are you doing?" I asked. She smells of sugar as I'm sure you knew without me telling you.

"Don't you need to strip?" she said.

"I'm staying like this," I said firmly.

Pinkie got a weird look, then backed up slightly. "Sorry, Rarity."

"It's fine, dear. If Marcus *was* going to strip, though, I would help him," she said, then smiled impishly.

DAMN YOU HORMONES.

"Thank you," I said, a little embarrassed.

One by one, everypony came up to me and talked to me quietly, let me smell them, and then milled about. My nerves finished relaxing, thankfully.

Ditzy smelled of cotton candy and Dr. Smith... he smelled old, like an ancient library of dusty tomes. "You didn't have a horn before," he said to me curiously.

I blinked. "Wait, is it visible now?" I tried to look at my forehead, but I can't see it.

He blinked back, turning his head to regard me with his right eye. "It was invisible?"

"Yes," I said.

Vanilla Surprise smelled of Vanilla, but VERY strongly, like it covered something else. Big Macintosh and Applejack had subtly different apple scents. I could smell their relationship, though.

My nerves were still jangling, though not as badly. Rarity's scent and presence were comforting, and Fluttershy's as well. Something about her was just an anchor, a rock in the emotional storm.

"Being a human wasn't this disorienting," Twilight said, frowning. Everyone was clustered around me now; their scents, their sounds, drove out others, reassuring me. I was in the herd and they would protect me. It's like this for them all the time, I realized, and I envied them that. I feel safer with them at my side, with Ivan accompanying me, when I'm human. But it's not like this.

"Oh, you've been experimenting?" Vanilla Surprise said cheerfully.

Twilight turned a little red. "I... umm..."

"She managed to plant her face in her bed and walk into a doorframe," Spike said gleefully.

"Planning to seduce Ivan? Or Marcus?" Vanilla Surprise teased her. "Or someone else? Don Diego, maybe? He is handsome."

She turned more red, and Big Macintosh said, "Enough," to Vanilla Surprise firmly.

She blinked, then got an odd smile. "As m'lord commands," she said teasingly.

Now he blinked.

"I just wanted... I was just curious... I mean..." Twilight became more frantic. I could see it, hear it, SMELL it. Fear does not smell very good, I will note; just smelling it made me nervous like I ought to be afraid too.

This was not an encouragement I needed.

"It's a natural curiosity," I said firmly to her. "I can show you the ropes some time, if you're still curious."

"Thank you," she said, still red.

I breathed in the scent of everyone, and out. It was reassuring.

I still felt kind of jumpy, especially if I thought about Rarity but I could function now. "Thank you everyone," I said softly. "I think I can try and dance now."

"Yeah," Applejack said approvingly. "You ain't got to be afraid of us."

"I know you now," I said softly. My brain could track their movements, by scent, smell, sound. Amazing.

There were still a lot of smells I didn't know. Though one of them, a very odd one, I thought was the pony DJ, who was now running the show and...

Octavia was up there with several other musicians, laying down something... not the usual music of the castle, though not entirely dissimilar; there was a pony with a trumpet, another with a clarinet, a piano player (who I think is also in the royal orchestra), and a drummer. The pony DJ was busy mixing their music with some recordings; it was eerie and powerful and... very danceable.

I relaxed a little more once we started dancing. A lot of pony dancing involves moving in sync with others, line dances or paired line dances. This was easier than it would have been for me as a human because I could see people to my left and right without needing to turn my head.

I was soon enjoying myself. While I was not as nimble as I am normally, the potion covered me well enough to let me do some fancy things with a little practice. As we were line dancing, with me next to Big Macintosh and Dr. Smith, and Vanilla Surprise, Rarity, and Ditzy opposite us, I wondered why Celestia had chosen to be an Earth Pony for the night. Maybe just not to be noticed, or to put Big Macintosh at ease.

I kicked forward with my right foreleg, then we all retreated four steps and kicked back, then strutted sideways twice, then kicked back again, forward, and raise hooves to touch, then start over again.

Rarity is a very beautiful pony; this was a fact of which I was keenly aware, whereas I normally only know this in an abstract way, the way you'd appreciate, say, a cat's beauty. I'd felt the same way when we were both humans, this same pounding in my veins and just loving to look at her.

To smell her.

Okay, that sounds freaky. But it's as natural for this body as looking is for me normally.

We switched into another dance in which the line of guys rotated, more or less, so you spent a short time with each of the women in the line. It was at this point, though, that I noticed Lyra was in the guy line. Then again, that way she and Bon-Bon get to dance together. When Bon-Bon and I came face to face, we reared and held each other up. Ponies can handle this better than a real pony could, but it's not easy. Unless you're Lyra or Pinkie, who seem quite nimble this way. Bon-Bon and I each had a foreleg around each other as we moved together.

She clearly wanted to ask me something, and I said softly to her, "It's very strange. You should ask Rarity about it."

She turned red. "Lyra really wants to try it some time," she mumbled.

"Lyra's always been fascinated by humans, though she never told me why," I said to Bon-Bon, then realized... I SHOULD NOT KNOW THAT. Dammit!

She looked at me curiously. "Is it that obvious?" she said, still embarrassed.

"Yes," I said softly. "Rarity does have two more candies."

Now she looked really nervous. We spun around now, nearly falling down. Without each other, we both would DEFINITELY fall down.

I could see Octavia; she was focused on her music, not us or Lyra. Good. I ought to do something but I don't have the leverage that Erik would have had.

The dance finished and I went to get some orange juice; my throat was dry and I am trying to avoid alcohol because if I get very drunk at all, I will likely start the apocalypse or try to... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Do not panic, do not panic! I focused on scarfing down orange juice through a straw. So tasty, and it smells so good.

Herr Otto said, "So why do you always glare at me?"

I half jumped out of my skin and then I somehow sucked the straw up my nose and fell down.

Where did he come from?

He had a brandy and he looked annoyed with me.

Had I been glaring? I tried not to glare.

"Wow, you are drunk," he said, then sipped more brandy. "Unlike myself."

I pulled the straw out and got a fresh one. "You just startled me," I told him. "And I do not glare at you all the time." I tried to avoid looking at him but I can't help it! I see anyone who isn't RIGHT behind me and I think turning my butt to him would likely come off as a duel challenge or something.

"I get enough of that crap from her relatives without getting it from some random... what the hell are you, anyway?" he said, frowning and sipping his drink.

"I am Samus Marcus, special agent of Celestia," I told him. "So her relatives know all about you?" I said.

"Our relationship is a secret, but I am around her enough for them to give me 'ugh, human' looks anyway."

I suspect it's not so secret as you think. "You're a brave man to risk Carnelia's wrath," I told him. "I heard her last boyfriend ran for the hills because Carnelia was planning to turn him into a turnip or something." I sipped my drink.

Otto's hand clenched around his glass. "If Erik of Vestland ever comes within sight of me, he will WISH I gave him to the Thyatians for 50,000 gold. Oh, he will PAY for running like a little coward."

I winced. Another person who wants me dead. "I heard they agreed it was best he go," I told Otto.

Otto got another drink and sipped it. "If he was a REAL MAN, he would have stayed and fought Carnelia. I've been trying to convince Carlotta to come to Aalban Prince Jagger has already agreed to protect her if Carnelia gets cranky. And Don Diego has agreed to help."

"He's a good father," I said somberly, then drank more orange juice.

"Yes, he is," Otto said to his glass. "So what's your beef with me? And are you a pony or a human?"

"I'm a crazy man in love," I said softly. "In way too deep. I can't believe it myself."

His glare softened. "If you're doing this for love, then I have to say you're head over heels." He looked across the room; Carlotta was dancing with some stallion. An Earth Pony. No one I know. "She still talks about him sometimes," he said in frustration and drank a little more brandy.

"That will pass. Old loves never fade entirely from the heart, especially not if you're parted by outside forces," I told him seriously. "But time will pass, her heart will heal and he'll only come up if someone else raises the topic."

"I hope so. I am sick of his ghost," Herr Otto said.

"Still learning Belcadizian dances?" I asked.

"Yes," he said, then sighed. "Our dances are rather different in Aalban"

I put my glass down. "Come on, I'll show you some of them."

"You are a pony," he said. "A *male* pony."

"Yes, everyone will stare at me and not notice you," I said, then dragged him onto the dance floor and began showing him some moves. It's the least I can do. Good luck, Otto. You're a braver man than me.

We did get a lot of stares. My telling him loudly how handsome he is probably didn't help but I couldn't help myself. I had to tease him a little, he's so SERIOUS all the time. Once I had him trained up some, I went to dance with Rarity for a while.

"Was that Herr Otto?" she asked curiously.

"I had to show him some Belcadizian dances," I told her, then swept her into a waltz. It was much harder with us as ponies, but I didn't care. Dancing with her was a delight.

I now went to dance with Twilight; she was smiling so brightly; it made me feel very happy. I could smell her happiness. And her personal scent, that kind of freshness after a storm. When the air is just so clean and purified.

Rarity smells like lilacs; I could smell her just a touch, knowing she'd passed through this space recently; I could feel people's past movements. Amazing.

"Having a good time?" she said hopefully.

"Much better than at the start," I told her. Twilight is quite lovely too. If we hadn't been drunk, if I hadn't panicked... would we be lovers?

But we're... I don't want to be a pony all the time and I'm sure neither of them would want to be human most of the time and people would think us very strange, and what would it even...

I shoved all that aside. Just enjoy the moment, dammit! No fear!

"So who was the pegasus?" I asked.

"West Wind. He's a courier," she told me. "He actually works for Franich House, of Darokin. They do a little of everything, especially banking. He runs back and forth between Canterlot and Darokin City with sensitive messages. He's had a few clashes with Toney House, which..."

"Which is their main rival for Darokin-Equestrian trade. Based in Akorros, they're well positioned to run goods through Stalliongrad or Fort Neigh into Equestria. There is in fact a Toney's Inn here in Canterlot." I went to a party there once as Erik.

She laughed softly. "So you know all about that."

From teaching Humanics, which needs a less stupid sounding name BADLY. "Yes," I told her. "We can discuss you dating Thutmose V, too, though I think you'd have to wear gloves on your date or he might give you mummy rot."

She laughed loudly; people stared but I didn't care as we spun around. "I have to remember that one. Spike, make a...Oh, no Spike," she said, embarrassed.

Spike was talking excitedly to the pony and human DJs, who looked intrigued. Okay, now I'm curious.

"Is there anything to date Thutmose with beyond that reference in... whatever that monument was... In Alphatia," I said, suddenly blanking.

"Coriolis III's comparison of himself to the glories of Thutmose V, who he said had lived a century earlier, on the Tepesti Monument, after his defeat of the Tepesti in 675 BC. There are three other references in Alphatian monuments to him, each of which is cryptic," Twilight said as we advanced, kicking with alternate legs.

Thutmose V was a great warrior Pharaoh of Nithia, who defeated the Grand Horde, a huge wave of humanoids that invaded during his hard to pin down reign. Apparently his grandson destroyed most of the record of him, THEN most of the knowledge of Nithia was lost when the Immortals destroyed it.

Then the music changed, and now Spike began to sing, backed by Octavia's band and some tracks laid down by the pony DJ, with the alchemist as his backup singer, along with some elf I hadn't seen before.

o/~ I never thought I could fall in love

o/~ Until I met the girl from the heavens above

o/~ I love the way she walks

o/~ I love the way she talks

o/~ Whenever she swishes her tail

o/~ I come running without fail.

Up to the last two lines, the alchemist, DJ Big D, had been singing along enthusiastically; he then realized Spike was singing about a pony. This caused him to falter. I know, I know, sir.

Spike is a good singer; the song was clearly improvised, but the band played well and Rarity now turned a little red. We all started dancing again and now I ended up paired with Dash. "You sing, right?" she said to me.

"People want me to sing more than I want to sing," I told Dash. "Sweetie's a better singer than I am."

"You totally have to sing Rarity a song," Dash said. "I'd... I'm no great singer, or I'd sing for Soarin'."

I can't do some big romantic gesture when I don't know whether we have a future or what I want or whether I am going to be killed if I tell her the things I have to tell her to even have any right to be her man.

"We can do it together," I said to her. "I'll panic and run otherwise." What? Damn you, mouth! What the hell are you doing without consulting the rest of my body and mind?

"Okay," she said. "Let's go get in line."

The pony turned out to be named DJ Pon3. She was happy to accommodate, so Dash and I huddled and laid our plan to go down in flames together.

I mean, sing.

************

I had just a little rum and... some sort of fruit thing. Just a single shot, which with my current mass, surely couldn't get me drunk but would hopefully melt my brain just that touch I need to avoid fleeing out the back door and just running until I fall off the cliff.

Then Dash and I got up with our hastily improvised song. I will note that Spike got a huge round of applause for his song; Twilight gave him a big pony hug, which he needed.

Just as we were about to start, Lyra came up with her harp and said to Octavia, "Please let me help my friends."

Octavia's glare softened. "Okay. This time."

Thanks, Octavia.

Who may, admittedly, just want a laugh at our expense.

I can't actually blame her for that.

So, here we go to sing. Of course we didn't bother to consult EITHER of the bards we know.

Dash went first.

o/~ I walked alone, needing no one

o/~ The sky was mine and that was all

o/~ Every day spent basking in the sun

o/~ I lived for me, until I heard your call.

I went second.

o/~ Always look forward; never look back

o/~ Everything broke, every time... I had to run

o/~ But for all my flight, I ran a well-beaten track.

o/~ Wrapped in shadow, no sight of the sun

Lyra to my surprise went third; Bon-Bon started at that, though she'd been watching us.

o/~ Keeping it light, keeping it breezy.

o/~ A wink, a smile, a kiss, a tumble in the hay

o/~ I would always take it easy.

o/~ And when it went wrong, I would always say...

The three of us now sang our chorus with Dash on the lead lines and Lyra and I following up.

o/~ When the going got tough,

o/~ We got going!

o/~ Someone else reaped the harvest

o/~ That we were sowing!

o/~ But that all changed when I saw you,

o/~ Now what the hell am I going to do?

And now we sang, parts changing, following some strange instinct, as if the song sang us and not the other way around.

o/~ I looked up to the sky (Dash)

o/~ And you crossed my horizon (Me, Lyra)

o/~ I looked down to the waters (Me)

o/~ And you rose from the deeps (Dash, Lyra)

o/~ I looked forward across the land (Lyra)

o/~ And you were looking back at me (Me,Dash)

o/~ And now when I look inside my mind (All)

o/~ It's your face I find (All)

Soarin' and Rarity were grinning like the cats who ate the canaries, while Bon-Bon was beet red; lots of people were staring at her in her rather simple green dress; she doesn't have big adventuring loot to spend on clothing. Rarity was busy showing off her dress to everyone who stared and Soarin' just hovered, looking pleased.

We now sang together, all three

o/~ I'm in deep

o/~ Way over my head

o/~ I can't run away

o/~ And I don't know how to stay

o/~ For whenever I yielded to desire,

o/~ It ended always in fire!

"In fire?" Rainbow Dash squeaked to me.

Lyra studied me curiously for a moment as she played.

I think that part came from me, yes, though we all sang it.

"Now you know why I'm so nervous," I whispered as Octavia and her band played a solo. Well, you can't call it a solo when it's the WHOLE BAND but they improvised a bridge while the three of us took a moment to breathe and drink something.

In retrospect, I am not actually sure where my drink came from but it was tasty and my throat needed some liquid refreshment.

Right as we were about to resume, Soarin' stepped up. DJ Pon3 manipulated her board and now a light shone brightly on him. He sang with a deeper voice than he speaks.

o~ Everyone loves the idea of me

o~ Everyone loves the ideal of me

o~ The dashing Wonderbolt above

o~ Who saves everyone.

o~ But they loved an idea, not a reality

o~ They didn't love *me*!

Dash stared with eyes wide; I get the feeling Soarin' doesn't talk too much about this frustration of his. She probably just learned tonight.

But now everyone knew. And he continued.

o~ You came into my life

o~ Like a bolt from the blue!

o~ You looked past my mask

o~ And saw my real face.

o~ And now there's nothing I won't do

o~ For a chance to be with you!

Rarity was next, stepping up beside him.

o~ I dreamed of a prince

o~ And a fairytale love.

o~ But my dreams were shattered

o~ When push came to shove.

o~ All my dreams and hopes

o~ Lay in ruins around me.

Damn you, Blueblood, I thought, as I watched, mesmerized. Rarity, it has to be said, knows how to work a crowd, her pose, her voice, her features perfect to convey her frustration. And then they turned to joy.

o~ It was the purest of chances

o~ Which brought us to these dances.

o~ In a land wilder than even the Everfree

o~ Covered in muck, you came to me

o~ I cleaned your face, you cleaned my heart

o~ And now I do hope, we never will part.

Twilight was smiling at us; I was in heaven and hell at once, in heaven from joy and in hell from guilt. But for now, I could shove hell to one side for a few minutes and enjoy the pounding in my chest, the thrill in my flesh, the song in my heart. Twilight was dancing with a unicorn now, his horn glowing though I wasn't sure what he was doing. But they were happy and that made me happy.

Celestia, I'm in love, and I don't know what to do. I can't go forward and I can't go back. I wanted to run to her and flee screaming into the night at once.

For now, I split the difference and stood still.

Vanilla Surprise was dancing with Big Macintosh, him lifting her up and spinning her; how he held on, I don't know. She was laughing and looked so happy, and I understood, this is the her she wishes she could be.

Heavy hangs the head which bears the crown.

I hope she can find some joy to live on, while this night lasts. But I think she will.

Ditzy was... dancing upside down, flying and hovering in reverse, as she danced with Dr. Smith. They were both laughing and enjoying themselves, though at times, I could see age in his eyes. Like me, I think he's seen too much death and it always haunts him a little.

Also, I wasn't COVERED in muck, I was just... okay, I was covered in muck.

Totally covered in muck.

Bon-Bon stepped up now and began to sing. She's got a good voice, but clearly not a lot of experience.

o~ My daily routine was a well trod rut;

o~ Get up in the morning and go to work,

o~ Go home in the evening and dream of the stars,

o~ Spend the weekend with Berry in bars.

o~ My life was quiet; in the shadows I would lurk

o~ For every door I wished to open remained shut.

In BARS??? Bon-Bon doesn't seem the type. I could only stare.

Twilight boggled too, which made me feel better.

o~ You sang to me as I always dreamed

o~ And swept me off my hooves

o~ I anchor you; you set me free

o~ Together, I hope we'll aways be

o~ Teach me to roam; I will teach you to stay

o~ And shoulder to shoulder, we'll say...

And now the three of them moved shoulder to shoulder... more or less,since Soarin' still hovered.

And now the entire club burst into song as the band played on.

o~ If I fly to the sky (mostly men)

o~ I will be your sun (mostly women)

o~ When I plunge to the depths (mostly men)

o~ I will be your moon (mostly women)

o~ When I run to far horizons (mostly men)

o~ I will run by your side (mostly women)

DJ Big D was crying for some reason as he listened to us all sing. I'm not sure why, given this was a HAPPY song. Even the humans and elves were singing now and dancing. DJ Pon3 now rose up and grabbed DJ Big D and forced him to dance, and I couldn't help but laugh at the sight.

o~ Across the sky (Dash)

o~ We'll fly together (Soarin')

o~ In deepest dungeon (Me)

o~ We'll explore together (Rarity)

o/~ In all the tides of normal life (Lyra)

o~ We'll stand together (Bon-Bon)

o~ Adventure we will seek together, (all)

o~ Together we will make a home (all)

o~ For you are the one I love. (All)

The note hung high and clear, and then one by one the instruments went silent until only Lyra's lute and Octavia's double-bass remained, playing on, a voiceless duet, playing through verse and chorus until it faded.

Then Lyra bowed before Octavia. "I am sorry," Lyra said to Octavia. "You can beat me unconscious with your double-bass if you want. You told me you loved me and I fled in a panic because I couldn't stay and I couldn't go but I *could* run screaming and never come back. So I did."

Eeeeeeee.

I heard Twilight's breath catch. Obviously enough.

I didn't know what to do either, but I DID know how to run, screaming. So I did too. (Back then, I mean.)

"I'm not going to beat you unconscious with my double-bass," Octavia said.

Lyra gave a deep sigh of relief.

"It's too expensive to break when I can just use this table!," Octavia said angrily, hefting a nearby table over her head and rearing back on her hind legs. DJ Pon3's music collection took to the air now and she ran around catching it with her magic; some of it fell on DJ Big D's head, knocking him down.

Twilight strode up and wrestled with Octavia for control of the table. "That's enough! She just panicked and ran away! People get scared sometimes when it comes to love!" Her voice was half angry and half pleading. "You have the right to be angry, but you shouldn't just hit her!"

I understand how Lyra feels. She wants to make it up to Octavia, to the extent she can. She screwed up and she regrets it and she wants to atone.

I could see Vanilla Surprise and Lunette both watching this intently. Dash and Soarin' were kissing; they'd flown to each other the second the song ended and probably hadn't even NOTICED all this.

And Rarity was now at my side as I watched this drama, nuzzling me and I nuzzled back and wished that we had, in fact, proper arms.

"She deserves punishment!" Octavia said. "I opened my heart to her and she stomped on it!" She was quite angry. The table wobbled. Earth Ponies are STRONG, or she could never have fought Twilight like that.

"Put that table down!" Bon-Bon said angrily, charging up. Seeing her pawing the ground was just... it was like... I don't know. Seeing Twist prepare to rage, maybe.

"A table is too far," Rarity said softly to me. "But she deserves some kind of punishment."

I nodded, damning myself. But I just... I am dreading atonement but I really... I don't want to walk scott free.

I fear Twilight will just... I don't even know what she'll do. But it's clear it won't involve demanding I die.

Which would be easier than too much forgiveness.

Pinkie now strode up into the confrontation. "Stop! Ponies shouldn't fight each other! I have a better solution, an equitable punishment!"

Octavia studied her curiously. "Who are you?"

"I am Pinkie Pie, the Element of Laughter! But today, I am... THE ELEMENT OF JUSTICE!" She reared up on her hind legs and stretched her forelegs, then spun on one hoof and fell down. This sparked widespread laughter. "By the power invested in me by Celestia herself, I do hereby sentence Lyra to be Octavia's roadie for the next two weeks! To clean her instruments and those of her band, to set up their equipment and to generally do scutwork until she needs a ponicure AND CANNOT GET ONE."

"It's a fair cop," Lyra said. She looked at Octavia.

"I'll accept that," Octavia said, putting the table down. "You can start by cleaning up my mess."

"I don't want my girlfriend spending all her time with her ex," Bon-Bon said, frowning at all and sundry.

"She has to atone for her past errors," Pinkie said. "Don't worry, Bon-Bon, I'll keep you busy. And it won't take ALL her time. But it has to be enough so they can make up and move on. You don't want Lyra to still be worrying about Octavia when she's with you, right?"

Bon-Bon had the look of someone defeated by logic but not persuaded in the heart. "Fine." She sagged.

Octavia just sniffed at her and now talked quietly to her band to get the party started again.

Sorry, Bon-Bon. But I think things will go better for you once Lyra no longer has that shadow of past failure hanging over her. Pinkie, I'd give you a thumbs up if I actually had any thumbs right now.

I wished again I had a proper arm to put around Rarity, though standing next to her is nice. "Let's dance," I told her, once the music started and we smiled at each other and began to dance.

Is this love? It certainly feels different when we're both the same species. I greatly enjoy her company when we're together, but like this.. when she was human... Can we really do this?

I have to tell her before we get too deep.

Later, when we have privacy.

Everyone's smiling at us. I feel so good. I wish I could feel this good forever.

For a little while, at least, I did.

**************

My joy lasted until I noticed Spike busy stuffing donuts in his mouth in frustration and swilling... something. Coffee, I think. Sweet mother of Valerias, he is going to bounce off the walls for hours. Then he will crash and then he will hate everything for days.

Rarity was dancing with Big Macintosh, so I went to talk to Twilight, who had just finished dancing with a unicorn. "I have extremely horribly bad news for you," I told her.

"What's wrong?" she asked, eyes wide.

I pointed at Spike and she vibrated. "You'd better lock your doors tight tonight."

"I know," I told her. "And you'd better borrow a sleeping potion because he is not going to sleep until maybe noon tomorrow."

She sighed. "Thanks for the warning. So..." She licked her lips nervously. "So this means you and Rarity are... a couple, right?" she said hesitantly.

Aaargh, I need to talk to Rarity. I want her so much like this, it's so... I haven't felt like this since Dona Carlotta and I were together. But we won't both be the same most of the time. There's magic and things but... I don't know what to do, what to say.

I just know I'm in love with her and it terrifies me.

"I am in love with her and scared out of my mind," I confessed, then cursed my lips for giving away secrets.

"I know, I totally know," Twilight said sympathetically, patting my back. I dipped her low and we nearly fell down. I should stop trying to do that in a pony body but my human dancing instincts are still there. "Man, this is fun but tiring."

"A Pony burns four times as much energy when bipedal as quadrupedal," Twilight told me as we danced like humans, leaning on each other, forehooves around each other, trying to waltz. "Humanoids don't suffer this because they're designed to move more efficiently. And we Ponies can only do this thanks to the Blackmoorians."

"So do Ponies who want to lose weight go around bipedal as much as possible?" I asked.

"It helps to explain why Pinkie can eat so much sugar and remain healthy," Twilight said.

I wonder if... Lyra is dating a candy maker.

That explains a lot.

"Anyway, I... well, I had this problem too. When I had my big crush on Erik." She sighed. "I don't even... I mean, I think he would have been willing to do what you're doing, and I was busy practicing to surprise him with turning human when I ended up confessing to him before I was even ready." She laughed nervously. "Rarity and I have been discussing this some."

"I don't know what we'll do long term," I told Twilight. "I like being human, she likes being a pony. Though being a unicorn helps. I think I would be pretty frustrated if I had to do it all earth pony style without any magic. There's a ton of issues and people will freak and I don't even... have you met her parents?"

"Silver Belle is very nice but somewhat... you know how Rarity is with gems?" Twilight asked.

"Yes," I said.

"She's that way with cloth and sewing. She was hugging a bolt of expensive cloth when I met her," Twilight said, laughing.

I now tried spinning her around. We crashed into another couple and I had to apologize.

"Captain Keen Eyes is brave and strong, but kind of stern and stubborn and unyielding," Twilight said. "And he really dislikes Fluttershy because she's not as brave as him."

I grimaced; I'd hoped that might have been just... something not true. "So I'm toast."

"You're not..." She winced. "Maybe."

Where maybe = hell yeah.

Dammit. I want to ask what her long term plans were, but really, I ought to just confess everything to her right now.

But I just can't do it.

I WILL do it with Rarity if it kills me.

It will.

"I will tell him all about how you got hurt protecting Rarity and how much you love her and how much you did to help us and I'm sure he'll come around." Twilight looked very worried. This added to my guilt-mountain.

I'm not so sure, he's a hardass.

We finished the dance and now Lunette stole me. "So she's the one," Lunette said softly.

"I have no clue what... how... I mean, I have no experience at this," I said, half babbling as we danced. Spinning her was MUCH safer than trying to spin Twilight.

"Good luck," Lunette said. "As an Immortal, with time, such body issues are less worrisome. But I still remember when I was a... well a sort of normal pony." She smiled. "Being the child of an Immortal, I was never entirely normal." We swung into a box step, making a series of three-steps and turning a quarter turn by the end of each, eventually returning to our start. "And one day, both of you may join our ranks."

My eyes widened a little. "So I was right. You hope for all of them to Ascend."

She touched my mind as I dipped her low. Somehow, I was much more agile while holding her than I had been with Twilight. 'Yes. We have huge plans, much of which I cannot yet tell you.'

'Until I show I can be trusted,' I told her. 'I understand.' I had a weird feeling and I was not sure what it was. We swung out beside each other and strutted forward, then came back together and reversed on the quick-step. With her, I could dance as nimbly as my human body, though it still tired me more.

'We are still trying to figure out if you will need to start over or if we can move you forward from where you are,' Lunette said. 'Come to my lab after lunch tomorrow, so I can study you, please.'

We darted nimbly through the crowd; some people were staring now, swinging around people and moving with more grace than even my human body normally has. It felt like anything was possible. 'Of course,' I told her. 'I don't even remember now why I wanted it.'

'Do you wish it still?' she asked. 'It is a burden as well as a blessing.'

'If Ivan is going to do it, and Rarity as well, then most definitely.' Assuming we all can; it is, after all, a rare and difficult thing. 'I'd jump into the Hell of the Five Fiends for Ivan and Helga,' I told her. 'And now... if Rarity and I can make it work, I will want to be by her side. And I owe Twilight.' And the others, but I owe Twilight the most. 'Also, do you know anything about making magical items? I want to make Applejack the best lasso ever, since she saved my life.'

She spun me now and I laughed and then she pulled me back in close. 'I would be glad to help you; Twilight and Rarity can help you as well. Applejack could, but I assume it needs to be a surprise.'

I nodded to her.

We dipped low and then the music finished. 'Good luck. We can talk more about shifting in my lab and the issues of bodies,' Luna said to me.

"Thank you for the dance, fair elven lady," I said bowing.

She smiled impishly. "Thank you, good sir. I believe your lady fair awaits you."

"Oh yes," I said and ran to her eagerly to dance again.

************

We danced a while, then took a break to drink some orange juice. I tried to avoid alcohol. So I can't do anything TOO foolish.

And then we kissed. I had not planned it... it just kind of happened. We were smiling and then we were closer and then... smooch. And my body went 'NOW NOW NOW' and I had to tell it to SHUT UP.

And then we heard a kind of strangled cry nearby. We both froze and looked but while we saw the bartender and three other ponies all looking around, we saw nothing.

When it didn't repeat, I said, "We have to talk tonight, once we're home and safe."

She nodded. "Agreed. We should..." And then, suddenly, Scootaloo came from nowhere, wearing a black hat, eye mask, her CMC cloak, a black coat, black trousers, the whole Manuel of the Plains imitator kit. She grabbed Rarity and dragged her off.

"Come and dance with me fair lady!"

Rarity flailed and got pushed along by the sheer force of Scootaloo's will. "Who are you!" she said.

DO NOT TELL ME YOU CANNOT TELL!!!!

Then Apple Bloom and Sweetie manhandled me along; Apple Bloom's prehensile tail was a huge help to her. "You filthy girlfriend stealer! The Plains Crusaders will not allow this!" They too had the full Manuel monte.

WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT?

I ended up in some sort of side room with them. Dinky was sitting on a table and Don Diego sat next to her, legs over the edge. Oh, I mean 'Manuel' sat there.

"Good sir, I apologize for the roughness of my apprentices, but they and I cannot allow you to muscle in on someone already pledged to someone else!" he said. "For I am Manuel of the Plains, defender of justice AND love!"

DON DIEGO!

Why don't they recogn.. OH!

I felt the stupidest of all men. Of all POSSIBLE men.

"You had better RUN," Sweetie said, poking my right foreleg with a deck of cards. She shuffled the deck. "Draw a card!"

I drew the card. The Jack of Shadows. "Okay," I said.

"It's the JACK OF SHADOWS, right?" she said angrily.

"Yes," I said, showing the card.

"That means if you don't STAY AWAY FROM MY SISTER, her boyfriend will EAT YOUR SOUL," Sweetie said.

"He'll boil you in a pot!" Apple Bloom said, jumping up and down and making kung-fu moves.

"He will make you do all his homework!" Dinky said mournfully.

Twist stuck her head in. "I can't find him anywhere! But he might be in the men's room, where I can't go." She frowned. "I sold a lot of candy, but that's just a cover."

"Did my lemon candy sell?" Apple Bloom asked.

"They LOVED it," Twist said.

"Tell me you were not selling shapeshifting candies," I said.

"No, no, I did make a big batch for emergencies, but I know better than to sell it to people who don't know what it is," Twist said.

I HOPE SO.

"Why do you have a bunch of shapeshifting candies?" I asked.

"That's not your business, you GIRLFRIEND STEALER," Sweetie said, jabbing my leg with the Jack of Shadows. "Go back to the Abyss!"

"I will check the men's room," Don Diego said and headed out. I mean 'Manuel' headed out.

"I wonder if I can get a Cutie Mark by beating down a GIRLFRIEND STEALER," Apple Bloom said thoughtfully.

"I am not a girlfriend stealer," I told them. "I guess you do have some excuse for not recognizing me."

"You're not my brother, right?" Apple Bloom said weakly. "You don't look right but I know he's in a suit."

"Sweetie, I'm disappointed you don't know me," I told her, trying to sound VERY sad.

She froze. "I... ummm..."

"Did you bring those to turn Rarity's boyfriend into a pony without asking him?" I said sternly.

"I... no... maybe... YES," Sweetie said. "I'm sure... I mean... It was Scootaloo's idea!" She sounded guilty.

"You totally wanted him to be a pony," Twist said, waggling a hoof at her. "I was the one who thought this was a bad idea."

"But you went along anyway," Apple Bloom said, pointing at her, looking aggravated.

"I just want to ensure he and Rarity are happy together and that he doesn't... I want him to stay," Sweetie said weakly to the floor. "He's very kind to me and I like my big brother very much."

"Sweetie, it's me, Marcus. Rarity got some of the candy and we each are trying it tonight. She was human earlier, and now I'm a pony."

They all stared, eyes wide at me.

Distantly, I heard Rarity chewing out Scootaloo and so was Applejack. I smiled at that a little.

"You should NEVER EVER shapeshift someone against their will unless they're trying to hurt you," I told them.

Sweetie began crying and crumpled in a ball. "I'm so sorry, I just wanted you and Rarity and I to be happy forever!"

"Nothing lasts forever, my little pony," I told her kindly. "I know you meant well." I lowered myself gingerly and nuzzled her gently. I am aware that horse legs are not as tough as they may look.

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry isn't enough. If you're really sorry, you'll do something to make up for what you did." I looked at all of them. "If you want to be treated like big ponies, you have to act like big ponies."

And yes, I know, I am the pot, blah blah. I'm going to have to make amends too. But Lyra did it and I can too.

"We just wanted to help and get our matchmaking cutie marks," Apple Bloom grumbled.

Rarity and Applejack herded Scootaloo in. "Marcus, what's going on?" Rarity asked.

"It's the Cutie Mark Crusaders in disguise. They wanted to 'help' us."

Sweetie cringed.

Applejack laughed. "Didn't recognize him, kids?"

"Wait, these are Sweetie's friends?" Rarity said.

Applejack looked at me and we just shook our heads. Applejack pulled off Sweetie's mask.

"Sweetie!" Rarity said in shock.

There must be something wrong with pony vision. Or something.

I can still tell though things are kind of weirdly flatter than I would expect.

"I'm so sorry, I just wanted to help!"

"It's okay," Rarity said. "Nothing got messed up, did it?"

"They were going to turn me into a pony with the candy," I told Rarity.

"I guess Pinkie kept her promise to tell no one," Rarity said.

"I'm sorry, I'll make it up to you!" Sweetie said urgently.

"Don Diego is supposed to be watching over you all," Rarity said sternly. "Where is he?"

"Bathroom," Apple Bloom said.

"We'll discuss a penance for you later," I said, then paused. "If that's okay," I said to Rarity.

"Yes, it will wait. Just be careful with that candy," Rarity said.

Applejack looked thoughtful. "I reckon maybe I ought to give it a try some time. I'm a mite curious."

"Some time when we have clothing for you to wear," Rarity said.

"I guess everything you've got on you would be kinda frou-frou," Applejack said.

"Give us a candy," Rarity said to Twist. "Applejack, we'll see if we can work you out an outfit you can accept. Marcus, darling, can you take the kids?"

"Yes," I said. "Everyone stay close to me." I paused, then walked over to Rarity. "Close your eyes."

She closed her eyes and I kissed her. Applejack was grinning and Sweetie cheered.

SHUT UP BODY.

KIDS PRESENT!!!!!!

Rarity smiled brightly. "Thank you, darling. Close the door on the way out, so no one sees us." She turned to Applejack. "Let's see, gold coat, so something purple, maybe."

"Everyone in this place has already seen me NAKED," Applejack said as we went out, closing the door behind us.

"Now what?" Scootaloo asked, frowning.

"We turn you into a giant chicken as your punishment," I said cheerfully.

She stared in absolute horror.

Don Diego, you SUCK as a babysitter. But I knew you would and didn't stop it.

Damn me.

"Oh man, that's awful," Apple Bloom said.

I found Fluttershy and Pinkie, about to sing a song about animals. Fluttershy looked very nervous. "Hey, look, the kids snuck here to try to help us."

"We were hoping for our way overdue Cutie Marks!" Scootaloo said.

"They were going to shapeshift me into a pony," I told them.

"But you are a pony," Pinkie said, rubbing her eyes.

"You can turn me into a pony," Fluttershy said kindly.

"Are you mocking me?" Scootaloo said, clearly frustrated.

"Yeah, Fluttersarcasm!," Pinkie said, hugging her. "A good start!"

"I was hoping I'd look different, so no one would recognize me," Fluttershy said weakly.

Twist offered her a candy. She ate it eagerly and suddenly changed shape, looking just like Twilight.

"Isn't she famous?" I asked.

"I... not like I was," Fluttershy said nervously. "I could just read a book quietly for the rest of the night if I'm Twilight."

"You are going to have FUN," Pinkie said. "Crusaders! Your new mission is FLUTTERFUN!"

"FLUTTERFUN! YAY!" they all shouted, then ran around us in a circle, singing and dancing about how much fun Fluttershy would have tonight.

She smiled brightly, though she looked a little embarrassed. "Thank you, fillies," she said.

That's when suddenly there was a huge puff of smoke and the sound of Fluttershy shrieking and then when it cleared, a man in dark green robes was flying towards the door on a purple disk with a squirming sack over one shoulder. "This should be enough bait!" he said proudly.

"Fillies, go stay by Lyra and do NOT come outside," I said sternly, knowing they would not obey.

Dammit.

Pinkie was already after the man and I could see the rest of our friends starting to move. "Sweetie, go make sure your sister and Applejack know they're needed."

"You can trust in me!" she said and ran. The others ran over to Lyra and I ran for the door.

**************

The first sign this was going to be bad was that the sausage-seller had turned to stone. The second sign was that there were ponies running amok in the streets, singing, babbling, kicking things down, kicking each other, chasing humans and so on. The third sign was the giant floating armored eyeball with a dozen eyestalks floating in the street with a cackling wizard in dark green robes, floating on a purple disk above the beholder and brandishing a staff. He had red hair and dusky skin and his eyes were made of flame. Clearly Flaemish, from Bergdhovern in Glantri. The Flaems and Alphatians used to live on a planet on another plane, but they kind of blew it up when an intellectual debate got out of hand.

I wish that was a joke.

This sort of thing is why wizards are usually not invited to rule your country.

Pinkie shouted, "Give us back Twilight, or I won't make you laugh AT ALL!"

Thanks, Pinkie, that will make them fear us.

"I told you she would be here, and where SHE is, we'll find him too!" the wizard cackled.

I now recognized the beholder. He's the bastard who nailed me with a fear ray, so I fell out a window, down a slope, then off a small cliff. Thank the Immortals for Clerics, or I'd still be in a hospital bed.

For reasons STILL inadequately explained, he was cruising around high up in the sky, making us think we'd found a new planet. Thanks to the Grand Galloping Gala, no one noticed him but us. Then Twilight's effort to boost the power of the telescope drew his attention and we had a running battle that ended with Twilight having a freakout and sending him to another plane.

I don't even know this bastard's name but I can still remember how I screamed as I fell.

"Who the hell are you?" I shouted.

"I am Cortland Van Der Bijl," the wizard said proudly. "A graduate with GD from the Great School of Magic, well versed in all things elemental, with minors in aberrations and flight magics! I'm here for the bounty on Erik of Vestland's head!"

"I am Extaferous the All-Powerful," the beholder said solemnly. "I have come to DESTROY Twilight Sparkle and Erik of Vestland! But especially Twilight Sparkle!"

"Twilight Sparkle. HAH, she went in my magic bag like a helpless ferret! And I'm here for the bounty on Erik's head!" Cortland said, cackling. "Better run, you stupid stallion, or you're going to become a snack for Extaferous!"

I heard FlutterLight (polymorphed Fluttershy) say something about ferrets but it was muffled.

Shouldn't the royal...

I now spotted a lance of stoned warponies. (Namely, ten of them.) Okay, so much for the first guard response.

But if we keep them busy long enough for the others to arrive...

Especially given Twilight, Luna and Celestia are inside... BWAHAHAH! They won't know what hit them.

Pinkie and I just have to hold off a mad wizard mercenary and a beholder.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

"Marcus, I have a plan," Pinkie whispered. "But it involves a pie too big for me to pick up, so I haven't quite figured out how to make it work."

How does she have it if she can't pick it up?

"Go on," I said, since I really have no better idea.

"ERIK OF VESTLAND! COME OUT OR TWILIGHT SPARKLE GETS IT! WE KNOW SHE'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND!" Cortland shouted.

"..." I stared.

Flutterlight said something incoherent and weakly pushed at the bag. This is not the time for you to be doing your usual feigning weakness, Fluttershy!

"You use your magic, I use muscle and together we heft and fling it," she said.

It beats nothing; apparently he fears us so little, the beholder can't even be bothered to zap us.

We managed to get the pie out and hit the beholder in its central giant eye.

For a moment, there was a terrible silence.

Then the beholder shot me with the fear ray. Nothing happened. If anything, I felt a little less terrified.

"..." Damn you, universe, for being ironic.

Damn you.

It tried to zap us with its anti-magic ray but the pie smeared on its eye blocked it. It began trying to set us on fire and suck out our life force and we began dodging wildly while I tried to get the peace I needed for a few seconds to cast a spell.

No dice. The beholder now focused on Pinkie while the wizard hurled wind blasts and fire at me. Pinkie hurled pastries, blocking each shot, while performing an impromptu rap about how she is the Queen of Pastries and you must respect her attitude or something.

So it rotated to fire ALL of its eyestalks at once at her.

Pinkie froze in panic, but then....

DASH!

SWOOSH, she was zoomed up into the air and a large chunk of street blew up, froze, got hypnotized, had its life sucked, turned to stone, etc.

Further, an arrow now shot through the drawstrings of the bag; it fell off the disk and open and FlutterLight flew out of it. Then lightning balls engulfed the wizard, knocking him for a loop into the building. Twilight and Rarity were on the scene.

Then Big Mac and Applejack (now wearing a fancy dress, her hair piled up in a bun... with her hat on it... ) ran out and leaped up ONTO the beholder and began tying up its eyestalks, kicking them out of the way when it began to try to zap them.

Lunette, Vanilla Surprise, and Ivan now came out the door and studied the scene. Soarin' charged out behind them to assess the situation, and then Dr. Smith and Ditzy ran out as well.

"Boyz! Strike! Elemental Boyz! STRIKE!" Cortland shouted.

Four elementals shimmered into existence. A humanoid giant made of fire, a whirling vortex of water, a huge floating cloud with lightning, and a rocky giant. Further, eight Diamond Dogs now charged out, wearing armor and carrying spears to move against us.

Oh boy.

Cortland now stared at Flutterlight and Twilight. He blinked. "What on earth?"

Flutterlight began speaking in some unearthly, echoing tongue. I stared at her. The floating cloud began thundering at her and the other elementals made weird noises. This led Cortland to make the same kind of noises. Oh hoh, don't mess with the DRUID.

Dr. Smith said, "Ditzy, we need a good fog."

"Ditzy is on it!" she said proudly then flew at the Diamond Dogs and fog spread from her wings, rolling over them and they now ran around lost in it. I could feel her Cutie Mark pulsing with power.

Now I could see something coming, a kind of huge iron bird coming down from high above. That doesn't bode well; I could see Pegasi guards rising from the castle to approach it.

"Dash, Soarin', bring me Pinkie and check out the bird!" Twilight shouted. "Marcus, rally to me. Ivan, conceal yourself. Lunette, go with Ivan. Vanilla Surprise, work with Pinkie. Rarity, let me enchant one of your arrows, then ready it." I wondered idly if she thought about how she was ORDERING THE PRINCESSES AROUND.

Probably not, and they did what she said.

Ivan and Lunette seemed to turn into shadows and vanish into the darkness of the night. "..." I stared at that. Ivan couldn't ALWAYS do that, right?

Dash deposited Pinkie by Vanilla Surprise; they began conferring and trading pastries as Dash rose skywards with Soarin'.

Dr. Smith ambled over to FlutterLight and joined in the conversation, gesticulating with one hoof and speaking the strange, unearthly mix of crackles and thunders and echoes and breezes and scents that FlutterLight and Cortland spoke fluently.

Damn, I really need to study more.

A lot more.

I could see the Pegasi circling the iron bird; Blue Angel was up there, busy talking to them.

Ditzy continued to circle, keeping the fog going, her victims trapped inside it as she said to them, "Don't worry, this is perfectly safe, as long as you wore nice warm clothing and that armor looks warm! But now you can't hurt anyone! So just lie down and take a nice nap!" She sounded very cheerful.

The beholder was now hog-tied in terms of its eyestalks but it now began trying to scrape the pie off using the road without hitting its eye's... surface, I guess is the right word. However, Applejack and Big Macintosh now leaped off and began running down the road, dragging it behind them, bouncing up and down as it howled.

Twilight worked on enchanting Rarity's arrows with some tricks while I helped her. Pinkie and Vanilla Surprise began a song and dance routine, cheering FlutterLight on, which seemed to make her more confident as she argued. Dr. Smith's right hoof kept tapping the tune, I noticed and smiled.

And then there was a flash of light and sixteen Giff appeared. They're basically Hippo-men who live in outer space, flying around in techno-magical ships like... the iron bird. "We represent the Interdimensional Police," the commander said. "I'm Commander Wild Assault." He wore a blue uniform and had a monocle. They all had these odd curved wands at their hips.

His second in command, who wore a pith helmet with a green uniform, read off a list. "We're here to arrest Interdimensional Criminals Twilight Sparkle and Erik of Vestland for dumping a beholder, hight Extaferous the All-Powerful, on Dimension X-53-AR, known also as 'Karinth'. Erik of Vestland is also charged with being a 'candy-ass bastard, Class IV' and Twilight Sparkle with 'Unregistered Cosmic Power, Class II'."

"I am registered in Equestria!" Twilight said, pulling out her paperwork.

"Okay, we'll dismiss the lesser charge," Commander Wild Assault said, gesturing to his flunky, who scratched it out. "Where is your partner in..." He paused and saw FlutterLight. "What the hell is this?"

"One Twilight was not enough," I said. "We had to have as many as possible." I could not help but grin.

"Now she can read THREE books at the same time!" Pinkie said, then laughed.

"There are no Interdimensional Police," Vanilla Surprise said. "Just be honest and admit you're here for the bounty."

"We would not stoop to simple bounty hunting, whatever our financial crisis!" Commander Wild Assault insisted. "That, madam, is LIBEL, which is a crime! Take her in too!"

I looked at Vanilla Surprise, who mouthed 'go hog wild' at me.

That's a royal command I can live with.

Then the second in command pointed at Ditzy. "Sir, it's Derpy Hooves."

Who?

He froze. "There's a five million gold bounty on her."

WHAT? Why the hell would anyone in their right mind put that much money on ANYONE?

"She may have her sidekick; he's worth five hundred thousand gold," the second in command continued.

Dr. Smith paused in the negotiations. "Sidekick?" he said, sounding hurt and offended. "I think you are confused."

"Nope, you're the sidekick," the second in command Giff said, ticking off a box.

"Hell, let's take them all; I'm sure they're all worth something," the commander said.

"Ditzy," Dr. Smith said to her. "You're going to have to use the explosives I told you not to bring."

"But you said not to bring them, so I didn't," Derpy said.

He blinked. "But you always forget when I tell you not to bring them!"

"So I made a DOZEN notes and Dinky made ten and I got the staff to paint it on the wall of my room, so I remembered!" Ditzy said proudly. "I'm buying paint when I get home!"

Dr. Smith made a strangled noise.

Ditzy flew around, looking proud, even as the Giff started to surge forwards; she was still keeping the now groggy and confused and cold Diamond Dogs trapped.

"I've got explosives!" Twist said, appearing next to Dr. Smith.

Oh bloody hell.

Wait, SHE HAS EXPLOSIVES?

"I brought my SUPER red-hots! They detonate in your mouth in a FLAVOR EXPLOSION," Twist said proudly.

"It will have to do; pass them to Ditzy," Dr. Smith said wearily. "Muffin Bomber time with candy, Ditzy."

"..." I stared, then turned my attention to the Giff.

"If there are any more hidden children, they'd best get BACK INSIDE!" Twilight shouted.

"I came to tell you there are trolls inside trying to kidnap Lyra!" Twist said.

Oh bloody hell.

How did TROLLS get into the middle of Canterlot???

Dr. Smith twitched. "Do they have metal body parts?"

"Yep!"

Not good at all, even if I don't know WHY. But I had other things on my mind.

Team Equestria had Vanilla Surprise, Lunette, Twilight, Pinkie, myself, and Rarity. And you could count Twist, I suppose. And Ditzy, who may actually be 'Derpy Hooves', whatever that is about. Dr. Smith and FlutterLight were busy negotiating with elementals, though that seemed headed for a close. They were also keeping Cortland out of this and Dinky had the Diamond Dogs pinned.

So we had two God-Ponies in disguise and possibly not at full power, three ponies, and me. And Twist. Our foes: sixteen Giff. Bloody hell.

Our four best fighters are either up in the air, now fighting the iron bird, or dragging a Beholder.

Twilight now cast Mass Enlargement. This made us all bigger than Celestia's normal form, which is BIG. I then cast the fly spell from my feather, on Twilight; the wings produced, to my surprise and apparently to HER surprise, were huge wings of purple flame. The Giff now hesitated, staring at her.

"Beware, the true form of Princess Twilight Sparkle, Defender of Equestria, IS NOW REVEALED!" Vanilla Surprise shouted. Pinkie, Rarity, and Twist's breath caught. Twilight turned a little red.

"Run with it, it'll give us the edge," I whispered to them.

Twilight's eyes turned firey now; I felt the spell. Her voice echoed. "I AM TWILIGHT SPARKLE, MISTRESS OF THE STARS ABOVE! WHO ARE YOU WHO INVADES MY LAND OF EQUESTRIA???"

Ponies everywhere who had been staring or running amok in a panic now stopped and stared at her.

"Beam us up," the Giff leader said to a box in his hand.

High above I heard a noise like a pony going through a metal wing at high speed. No escape for you, Commander Wild Assault.

"Blast them!" Commander Wild Assault shouted. His men pulled their wands. Lightning wands! We all dodged wildly as they began blasting around.

As they did this, Dr. Smith jumped up onto the head of the Earth Elemental. The Fire and Water Elementals moved over by Cortland and the Air Elemental now let Fluttershy hop onto it. Then the four elementals started fighting with encouragement and orders from the three mortals.

"Do we really have to do this?" Dr. Smith said sadly to Cortland.

"You idiots are in the way of MY MONEY," Cortland said. "Plus, if you two are worth millions of gold in bounties, then this is EVEN BETTER."

Fluttershy threw seeds on the ground, then gently bounced up and down; her elemental began to rain down on the seeds.

Cortland stared. "You can't get RAIN from an air elemental!" Then he gestured and the water elemental rushed at her, forcing her back; it thoroughly soaked the seeds as it did so. The fire elemental came at Dr. Smith and the Earth Elemental; he fumbled at his saddlebags as the two elementals fought.

Meanwhile Derpy and Twist were...loading the candy into bubbles. Soon a swarm of bubbles floated around Derpy, each holding a candy, as four Giff shot at her. She and her bubbles dodged, then she flew down, dropping candy into the mouths of two; it detonated and they stumbled, then she swooped up with her bubbles.

Remind me NOT to try that flavor. The fact that Twist was laughing with excitement did not help.

Twelve Giff rushed at myself, Vanilla Surprise, Twilight, Pinkie, and Rarity. All of us were now HUGE. Four of them (including Commander Wild Assault) shot at Twilight; she fired lightning balls and blocked every shot with ease. Two more attacked Rarity who shot their weapons out of their hands, while dodging the lightning. Two came at Vanilla Surprise; she hit one in the face with a pie, then kicked the other one down. Then she got zapped with lightning and went flying to my TOTAL SHOCK. I guess this is NOT one of Celestia's more potent forms. Pinkie on the other hand, now dodged lightning and sang about how lightning never strikes the same place twice. Then she ran between her foes and they shot each other.

Two of them began chasing me around; I couldn't dodge well enough to make a counter attack to my frustration. Then Ivan and Lunette formed out of shadow, each armed with a hammer. Whelm sent Ivan's foe tumbling down the street and Lunette grabbed said foe's lightning wand as she knocked down her own foe and then she blasted them.

The Diamond Dogs stumbled, tired and cold, out of the mist, then began looking around. Dammit!

And then I heard the sound of MANY clattering hooves coming our way. Distantly, I could see Magnus being chased by a force of City Watch Ponies. He was headed our way full tilt.

Twilight saw Vanilla Surprise go flying and her eyes widened and then she shouted angrily. A huge wave of water rushed at the two Giff who had blasted Vanilla Surprise; they tried to shoot at her but the water caught their lightning and now they were trapped in it, tumbling along, being zapped.

High above, I could see Celestia's Pegasi forces forcing the iron bird towards a landing at the royal airfield, one of its wings crippled. One less worry.

Ivan and I charged the two who Rarity was dueling and drove them off her. This freed her up to fire an arrow at Commander Wild Assault; the arrow now exploded in a cloud of gas; he inhaled it and fell down. Lunette then slipped behind the two we were fighting and knocked their heads together.

Wham, they were down.

Derpy and Twist's foes were now rolling around on the ground, fire coming out of their mouths, gasping at repeated bubble-delivered 'flavor explosions'. Ack.

Never messing with Twist or Bon-Bon.

Pinkie now rose up, kissed one of her foes, who stumbled in shock, then slammed a pie into the face of the other, who she dragged over. Then she somehow tied their shoelaces together, and watched them stumble around.

The water elemental suddenly found plants growing up through it, DRINKING it with their roots. It began to shrink and got battered with lightning by the Air Elemental. However, Cortland now burned FlutterLight's plants.

"You just killed them!" FlutterLight said in horror.

"They're just VINES," he said. "Vines are for BURNING."

And then her eyes blazed and she stared into his eyes and they were locked in a battle of wills.

Vanilla Surprise rose and ran over to Twilight. "I'm okay," she said. "Just shaken up."

Twilight was busy flinging around Giff like straw in a hurricane, while Rarity was busy sniping them and knocking them out.

And then eight trolls with mechanical parts came stomping out, even as Dr. Smith's Earth Elemental continued to fight the Fire Elemental. He now pulled out a wand and pointed it at the Fire Elemental; it wobbled but nothing else. He began fiddling with the wand as he held it in his mouth.

"Twilight Sparkle, you will surrender or they get it," they announced; one of them had Lyra in a bag; another had Bon-Bon. I could still hear fighting inside the place. There was a really high note and someone screamed and fell down.

"Oa... wait, those are FAKE Oards!" Dr. Smith said.

"We are UPGRADED," the lead troll-mech-thing insisted.

"Fake," he said. "Oards look like modified green HUMANS."

"The picture was low quality," another 'Oard' said.

"Dammit," a third said.

"Shut up you idiots," the first one hissed. "We demand Erik of Vestland and Twilight Sparkle surrender to us or they die; we will soon have your children as well. Also, shrink your companions."

FUCK.

The elementals, Flutterlight, Dr. Smith, and Cortland kept fighting; Derpy now flew down and offered some candy to the Diamond Dogs who ate it eagerly; their mouths caught fire and they fell down. And Magnus went by, crashing through fleeing Giff; the watchponies began chasing the Giff as well.

"I'm so sorry!" Lyra said. "I took out two of these idiots but there's a TON of them."

"OARDS!" Ditzy said in a sudden panic, now noticing them.

"Mom, it's OARDS!" Dinky shouted from inside.

"They are FAKE," Dr. Smith said.

Ditzy now began to hiss like a cat, spreading her wings to look bigger. She looked very angry. As much as anyone with wandering eyes can.

"Surrender to us or they die," the first one said, holding a blade ready. UGH.

Whether they work for Marjorie or the Thyatians or what, whoever surrenders to them is screwed. So screwed.

Of course, they don't know I'm Erik, but...

Twilight grimaced and everyone returned to normal size and she stepped forwards. "Look, I don't know where Erik is, even though all these terrible people want to hurt him. But I know he wouldn't let his friends get hurt if he was here." She stepped forward a little more. "Let them and the kids go. You can take me. But he's not here."

"We can use you as leverage to flush him out," the first one said. "I don't see him around here, and scrying for him isn't working."

Vanilla Surprise whistled cheerfully.

Thanks, Celestia, I owe you one.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, I cannot let them take Twilight. Who knows what they'll do to her.

I could think of many things and they all made me sick.

"Marcus," Rarity said softly. "If you can distract them, I will free our friends. I am pretty sure I can make them drop the bags."

I nodded to her.

"Twist," I said softly to her. "I need a shifting candy."

She tossed it into my mouth.

Urk.

I ate it quickly, even as Twilight came forward. Pinkie said, "You had BETTER keep your promises or I will make you pay!" She pointed angrily at the 'Oards'.

Ditzy was rocking back and forth on her feet; she would have done something crazy if not for the hostages. And if they took Dinky...

"Hah! Take THAT! AND THAT!" I could hear Apple Bloom shouting.

"I foresee a BAD FUTURE FOR YOU!" Sweetie shouted.

Loud music was playing inside and there was another thump.

"Do you work for Marquetta?" I asked them as I felt the power of the candy churn inside me.

"Depends on if she or the Thyatians bids higher," the lead 'Oard' said.

Rarity carefully readied her arrows.

One of the Oards got a bag ready as Twilight slowly moved forward.

"Twilight, you can't... I'm not..." Bon-Bon said, looking horrified.

Lyra said, "Dammit, this sucks. I haven't even seen the Prof in over a year! I... thanks, Twilight," she said softly.

"It doesn't matter. I won't leave any pony in need. They won't want you once they have me, Lyra." She looked determined. "Celestia would do this for any pony. And so will I."

Why do you have to be so NOBLE, Twilight? DAMMIT!

I am NOT letting them take you. Period.

I gave the candy its marching orders. Make me Erik of Vestland. NOW.

***************

The change came over me with the usual pain, though as always, brief lived.

"You want Erik of Vestland?" I said, my sword now in the axe form it had when I was Erik. "Here I am."

Twilight stared, mouth wide. Then she saw my clothing and her mouth quirked into a smile just for a moment. Also, I was wearing the hat Rarity made for me, which is very distinctive AND beautiful. "Oh Erik my love," she gushed. "I knew you'd come for me!" I could tell she was faking and I could not help but grin. Playing up to the mistaken ideas of our enemies together; that's the life.

She's going to whip my ass so hard after this but... dammit, no more lies. Once this fight is over.

"I am the great Erik of Vestland. I trample all things under my feet," I said, looking intently at the 'Oards' as if I could kill them with my eyes. "And I will die before I let you carry off Twilight and Lyra and Bon-Bon to GET TO ME. You want me? Let them go and you can have me."

Twilight looked worried and I locked gazes with her. 'We have to give Rarity an opening.'

Horns, they have advantages.

'Right,' she said. "Noooooo! Erik, I can't let you sacrifice yourself!" she said, then threw herself at me.

I caught her, holding her up. "I can't let them kill our friends, you know," I told her. She still had the flaming wings. 'I'll go for Lyra, you for Bon-Bon, when Rarity fires,' I told her and she nodded mentally.

"Enough disgusting romance," the first 'Oard' said. "Come surrender yourself or your pony friends die." He was getting impatient.

I will tell her EVERYTHING once we take these bastards down, I thought.

Wait, Twilight can TELEPORT. I am NEVER FUCKING FORGETTING THAT AGAIN.

'If they tie you, unless it negates magic, you can teleport out of it right?' I asked her.

'Surely they'd think to block that,' she said.

They screwed up their disguise; I won't count on that. 'Maybe. Best not to risk it.'

We came over together slowly and I wondered what on earth was delaying Rarity.

I put my hands out; I have a clever plan, though it will likely hurt. But that's life. "Release one of my friends," I said.

They dropped Bon-Bon, who hovered, not wanting to leave Lyra. "Go," I told her. "To safety."

She looked guilty, then scampered over to the rest of our group.

He started to tie me up, and one of them took my axe, while Twilight started to get nervous again. 'Go, you can teleport back and surprise them,' I told her.

"I can't leave you!" she said, agonized.

"Go. It's me they want," I told her very seriously. Seriously... okay, I wasn't actually lying, but I WAS acting.

She scampered back, and I said, "You can free Lyra now that you're starting to tie me up."

"We need someone to ensure your good behavior," the leader said.

Ditzy was watching them very, very intently as if she could destroy them with a gaze. I wondered again about the whole 'Derpy Hooves' thing. What on Mystara had she done worth that much of a bounty?

And who the hell pays that kind of bounty?

And then Herr Otto and Dona Carlotta came running out. He was dragging her along. "We've got to..." He paused and STARED at me. "Erik?" she said, stunned.

"Hi, Carlotta," I said. FUCK ME I TOTALLY FORGOT SHE WAS HERE. "Please don't try anything, they're holding Lyra hostage." I nodded towards Lyra.

I'm sorry, Lyra. I'm so sorry.

Her eyes flashed, making me KEENLY aware that she is Dona Carnelia's little niece "I can't just do nothing!"

"He abandoned you," Herr Otto said, frowning. "Frankly, given all the trouble he causes, he deserves this."

Dona Carlotta glared at him. "We both agreed that it was best we part. He didn't just run away from me."

I grimaced and so did Twilight.

"I care nothing for your drama," the 'Oard' leader said. "But if you stick your head in, I'm sure there's someone who will take good money for a pretty elf woman."

"I am not just a pretty face," Dona Carlotta hissed.

"Shut your fat face," I snapped at the boss. "You're frankly not even worthy to SPEAK to her." I was really angry. "Or to Twilight. Or to that puddle of vomit over there. You're no better than a damn slaver."

"You're in no position to talk; you've been a mercenary and a wrecker of havoc all your life. Do you know how big the messes you've left in your wake? You ever stop for ONE MINUTE to think about that?" the 'Oard' leader said angrily.

Yes, I have and I feel pretty shitty about it now that I can think clearly enough to even entirely realize it. I'm going to do my best to clean up some of my messes, assuming I don't die here.

"Erik is a GOOD MAN," Twilight said. "I refuse to believe these stupid lies people keep telling!" Suddenly I wasn't sure if she actually remembered I was Marcus or not.

Twilight, you're a better friend than I deserve. "I have made some messes, Twilight," I said as the man finished tying my hands. Rarity, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? "I ran away from you in a panic, and I'm sorry. I hurt you and I never even came back to apologize. I have a lot of messes to clean up."

Twilight blinked; okay, she was acting... or instincts and now she's acting... dammit, I can't tell if she thinks I am Erik or Marcus pretending to be Erik. Who actually is Erik. But you know that.

"Oh please, you used her for your own benefit, then you got bored and threw her away," the Oard leader said. "Like you've done a million times, like with the elf over there."

"We agreed!" Dona Carlotta said. She clearly was trying to come up with a plan while Herr Otto tried to hold her back. He's only doing it because he hates me but if it keeps her safe, okay. The hatred of people can be valuable if it gets you what you want and what I want is for her to NOT get hurt trying to save me.

Then I saw it, one of Rarity's arrow heads; it was slowly, methodically weakening the drawstring on the bag Lyra was held in. With all the conversation, our foes were not paying attention and now Rarity was setting up Lyra to escape. Only someone with her precision and attention to detail could have done this so well; they would notice nothing until it was too late.

Fortunately, no one noticed me noticing that. "If I was really pathetic, I'd dress up incompetently as an Oard, thinking I'd somehow fool a real expert like Ditzy. Perhaps you ought to ask yourself 'why is someone willing to pay millions of gold pieces for this mare and can I survive her getting angry'," I said. "I don't think you'd like her when she's angry." Now it's my job to talk like a maniac.

They forced me down to tie my legs and I flailed a little, trying to delay them but not so much they stab Lyra or notice Rarity in action.

I heard a distant thumping noise; glancing, I distantly saw Applejack and Big Macintosh coming our way, dragging the now unconscious beholder behind them. Excellent.

"Also, how exactly do you expect to get out of Canterlot alive with me?" I said.

"We only have to get as far as the Thyatian Embassy," he said.

Dammit, stop being smart!

Several of his men now looked nervously at Ditzy, who did her best to look menacing.. she is really not good at that, as the googly eyes ruin her serious face. She reared up and spread her wings to look as big as possible. "I destroyed the entire Entelchan Confederacy! Surrender now and Ditzy will be MERCIFUL!"

I have no idea what that even is, but Twilight's eyes widened. "That was YOU?" she said, stunned.

"Oh, Dr. Smith did most of the work. I just told their bound demons that if they didn't kill their targets, they didn't have to go back into the bottles," Ditzy said. "Really, it proves what Dad always said. If you hire someone, ALWAYS set a deadline for them to finish working. Vague instructions like 'Kill Baron Garcha' without a timeline? You are going to get SO RIPPED OFF. Fortunately, Carrot Top never forgets that. She's a good friend."

"..." I stared.

I begin to see why there is such a high price on her head.

'Now', Rarity told me. I saw Twilight start, then smile. Our eyes caught.

Dammit, I wish so much that I didn't have this whole damn bomb sitting over my head about me lying to her because this just... feels so right.

Twilight is an awesome friend to have adventures with and I feel much better having her here with me.

She just has the right to beat my ass like a drum.

I reached with my horn and my hat flew off my head onto the face of the fake Oard holding the bag Lyra was in. He dropped the bag instinctively and tried to get it off his face. Lyra now burst out of the bag and kicked him, knocking him down. "I'm free! Faster, Twilight, Kill Kill!"

Bon-Bon tossed Lyra's harp to her and now charged towards the fake Oards. I could see Applejack and Big Macintosh were coming; they were running at high speed. Poor Beholder; it was too knocked out to even scream; that can't feel good.

I can't believe I feel sorry for a BEHOLDER.

Ditzy launched, crashing into one of the Oards and knocking him for a loop. Pinkie and Vanilla Surprise hurled pies into the faces of two more of the Oards. Ivan and Lunette slipped out of the shadows and smacked two of the fake Oards in the back of the head; they went down, then Ivan grinned. "I wish I'd met you a long time ago," he said to Lunette.

"You wouldn't have enjoyed it at the time," she said ruefully.

Given her past, yeah, I can see that.

I held my hands up and Rarity shot the ropes off. Precision shooting girlfriend, best possible girlfriend. I called my blade to me with the magic of my horn and it cut off the leg ropes. The Oard leader hit me with an electrified rod and I fell down, but then Twilight slammed him into the wall of the club, hard.

I rose, stumbling, blade in hand, then charged him. "I AM SICK OF PEOPLE TRYING TO HURT MY FRIENDS TO HURT ME!" I shouted and he brought his rod around. CLANG. We both stumbled back, then started going at it.

The elementals continued to go at it; our team had the upper hand and FlutterLight was now forcing Cortland back up against a wall, the air between them crackling. Dr. Smith waved his wand and... a piercing wail made everyone stumble and he dropped it. "Blast it," he said. "That wasn't right either."

Another fake Oard rushed at me from behind but Rarity shot his weapon out of his hands, then forced him to flee with another arrow that chased him.

Twilight enlarged herself again, then unleashed a barrage of lighting balls, sending various fake Oards running for cover; Twist ran under the feet of one of them, tripping him, then shoved candy in his mouth.

BOOM, firey breath and stunned.

Lyra began playing her harp and now the fake Oards fell under her enchantment and began doing things like singing show tunes and running around in circles. Or even hitting each other. Confusion spell, very nice, I kind of... had a bad experience when I tried to learn it. Long story.

Then Applejack and Big Macintosh turned the beholder loose; it rolled like a giant stone ball right over the fake Oards, knocking many of them down, then got stuck in an alleyway opening.

Dona Carlotta now cast a spell and two of the fake Oards turned on each other, beating each other unconscious. Herr Otto grumbled, but cast a spell and acid rained down on the mechanical parts of several of them, wrecking them and sending them fleeing.

Seeing things well in hand, Lunette and Ivan ran inside.

"Who are you, really?" I demanded as I drove the fake Oard leader back in an angry frenzy. "Who put you up to this?"

"I'm just in it for the money!" he said. "I'm from Glantri! And as for my name, you will never know!" He now pulled out a metal egg and tried to shove it down my shirt but I pushed him back and wrenched it out of his hands with my magic. Oh yeah. I flung it down the street. BOOM!

I pray Celestia is going to pay for these repairs. Cobblestones flew everywhere, but thankfully, by now the previously rioting mobs of ponies had scattered and I made sure to keep it away from my friends.

Applejack and Big Macintosh now charged into the club. "Apple Bloom, are you okay?" Applejack shouted.

"We're fine!" she shouted. "Princess Luna and Ivan are helping us!"

Good for them, I thought.

"Manuel of the Plains is here to defend the innocent!" Don Diego shouted.

"What?" Big Macintosh said, confused.

You and me both, Big Macintosh.

You and me both.

Bon-Bon now kicked the Oard leader from behind. I whacked him with the flat back end of my axe, which I now turned into... basically a shiny metal club. We began battering him back and forth between us, shouting about kidnapping, until he passed out.

Fucker. NO ONE DOES THAT TO MY FRIENDS.

I held a hand out to Bon-Bon. "You are a magnificent woman and I am proud to have kicked that bastard's ass with you."

We shook hand-to-hoof, but then she said, "The children!"

The kids! AND Don Diego! The whole place is probably leveled by now. I'm sorry, club owner, whoever you are, you really deserved better than this.

We rushed inside.

************

A lot of ponies were hiding by the walls as the center of the room was occupied by a riot. They hadn't been able to leave because of our riot out front. The bartender was yelling, "NOOO!!!!!" because Apple Bloom was standing on the bar, grabbing bottles of alcohol and other drinks and hurling them at the enemy; Don Diego would then set them on fire, sending enemies scattering. Setting the alcohol on fire, that is; Belcadizians love burning alcohol tricks. There's even several dishes you basically cook by burning alcohol on it.

About half of the fake Oards were wandering around in a daze. Octavia, her band, and DJ Pon3 were laying down magical music, keeping them in a state of confusion. The rest were chasing Scootaloo and Sweetie and Dinky around; clouds of mist floated through the room, giving them places to hide. Ivan and Lunette darted in and out of the mist, ambush-bashing them.

Rarity immediately took shots at the ones chasing Sweetie, disarming them and sending them running. I then ran over to her. Ditzy charged through, grabbed Dinky, then rose to the ceiling leaving a wave of bubbles in her wake. Applejack charged through and kicked down the fake Oards threatening Apple Bloom, backed by Big Macintosh.

With all of us here, pretty quickly we mopped up the ones here, then Spike, who had been lost in the fog, sent a message to the City Watch, who would need to take all these damn fake Oards and everything else into custody.

"Are you okay?" Rarity asked Sweetie.

"I'm not Sweetie, I'm one of the Plains Crusaders!" Sweetie insisted.

Rarity laughed. "So you're fine?"

"I'm fine, not my big sister at all." Sweetie looked at me. "Who are you?"

"It's Marcus in disguise," Rarity said. "He used some of the candy to turn into Erik of Vestland."

Dammit, I really, really need to tell everyone about this but there's a billion people here.

But before I get myself in any deeper, I have to do it.

*************

Eventually, we finished helping to tow away the fallen and cleaning up the mess as best we could. I was pretty worn out from moving things with muscle and magic. None of us relished the prospect of the walk back to the castle. Except the Earth Ponies, none of whom were really tired.

Dammit.

Don Diego had run off, but the CMC stayed with us, now divested of their costumes, each having run off and changed out of the outfits out of sight, so they could maintain their implausible deniability.

And I have to talk to Rarity and then... I have to talk to Twilight.

Dammit.

And really, I need to make it up to everyone.

Rarity first, though, as she's... my girlfriend.

I ran my hand along her back as we walked. She smiled and gave me a little telekinetic backscratching with her ever so handy thimbles. "We have to talk once we get back," I told her softly.

She studied me, with clearly unasked questions, but then she nodded. "You smell different," she said.

"What do I smell like?"

"Salt water," Rarity said. "You have the smell of the sea."

"Really? He smells like books to me," Twilight said.

What???

"He smells like the morning I left the rock farm," Pinkie said thoughtfully.

"It must be something to do with the polymorph magic," Vanilla Surprise said. "Because he smells to me like a dirt road."

Sweetie now sniffed me. "You smell like playing cards to me."

Clearly something odd with this spell. But I'd worry about that later.

I have a bunch of confessions to make.

***************

Most of the group went to the bathhouse, but Rarity and I went to our room. "I spent a lot of time trying to figure out if we were just flirting at each other because we enjoyed it or if you were serious. If *I* was serious," I told her once we were in our chambers; she shed her fancy dress and I got out of my suit. "I've never... I've dated all sorts of humanoids, but unless... well, it's entirely possible I've done this before, but if I have, I've forgotten." I sat down on the bed and she hopped up to sit next to me. "I spent a lot of time dithering because it just... I don't even know the right questions, really."

"I know," she said, resting her head on my leg. "I prefer being a pony, I know you prefer being a human. But when we're the same thing, it's so... intense." She blushed a little. "I spent a fair amount of time thinking about this and wondering. I knew my own feelings, I thought I knew yours, but I wasn't sure. And I wasn't sure of our future." She licked her lips nervously. "I don't know how father will take it."

"I've been inside his head. Or a simulation of it. He's going to hate me." I sighed and ruffled her hair. "I have to tell you a secret."

"About one of your past lives, right?" she said.

"The previous one. Before I was Marcus. I only became Marcus a few days before I met you, when some woman who turned into a monster found me and killed me. I'm not even sure why, since she didn't bother to rob me."

Rarity looked thoughtful. "Marquett... no, she would have robbed you."

"I was Erik of Vestland," I told her.

She winced. This made me wince. "I thought it possible, but I was not sure enough to ask. It explains how you knew his face to take it and why you dislike Herr Otto." She frowned at me. "You have to forget about her, you know."

"I have to tell her and he's going to kill me, but she ought to know," I said, sighing. "I know, I know, I have no right to complain. She loves him, that's enough."

"You had no trouble fixing Twilight up with others," Rarity said.

"I didn't love Twilight," I told her. "She was a good friend and I like her, but..."

"You were willing to risk dying for her," Rarity said, studying my face and sniffing me.

"I was trusting in you to save us both," I told her and she smiled a little. "But yes, I am willing to risk that. I do care about her. But it's not the same. I want her to find someone and be happy with them." Though I suspect Celestia does hope I'll end up with Twilight. "You can trust me to be around her."

I could feel her tension; it's a valid worry. "I trust you, darling," she said. "I wish you'd told me this earlier, though." She was clearly not happy about that.

"I was too afraid. But I am trying not to be afraid," I told her.

"By being suicidal. You just needed to distract him," she said with some reproach.

"Guilt," I said, sighing. "And impulse. It worked, though. But now I have to tell her, tell everyone. Or at minimum, her. But MY mess put her in danger. So she ought to know. Everyone should. And she deserves the truth."

"You can tell her tomorrow," Rarity said. "I want to have fun tonight without a disaster or Twilight being sad."

"So do I," I told her.

"You can make this up to me by spending a day a week as a pony," she said. "We will need to get comfortable with each other's forms. So I will spend a human day and you can spend a day as a pony. And in the future, we share everything, unless someone asks us to hold a confidence."

"Okay," I told her. "No more secrets. I want to be free of hiding things. If we're both doing it, though, I should do something else for you too."

"I will find something," Rarity said. "You can owe me a favor."

"Fair enough," I said.

"We..." She paused and looked thoughtful, then went and put her robe on. Then she got another one of the candies. "Since we already kissed as ponies... "

"I agree," I told her, grinning.

She laughed softly. "Tomorrow, you have to tell Twilight."

"I will," I told her. "I really should do it tonight."

"Not tonight," she said. "I just want to have some fun before any explosions."

Then she popped the candy and turned into her human form; we are going to have to get her some underwear. Her eyes widened and she said, "Do humans always feel like this?"

"We'd never get out of bed," I told her. Then I kissed her for a long time. I wanted to do more, but best not to rush things, given the body issues. "Oh! I nearly forgot!"

She blinked. "Yes?"

"I have... well, it's more or less a cutie mark," I told her. "Celestia and Luna modified this... Okay, here's the story."

I told her the whole story as we cuddled.

"If Twilight sees it, she'll know everything," I told her. "So I can't get totally naked until I tell everyone."

"OH," she said.

"Mind you, the stuff I said about nudity is true, but mainly I was trying to hide that. As Twilight saw Erik with it when it was just one."

We ended up making her some underwear to wear also, so we'd match and I'd have my excuse to avoid total nudity, yet.

Then we took our robes and went to meet the others.

*************

Vanilla Surprise met us at the door. "Marcus, time for you to go to work, since you have HANDS."

"..."

I was probably born to be a cabana boy, anyway. I circulated, pouring drinks and helping to clean people; Celestia has her own nice bathhouse, normally just for her and Luna and special guests. We relaxed and I tended bar and attended to everyone.

Dash and Soarin' were busy snuggling in the hot tub, both half asleep. I smiled at them. I hope Dash... she's probably going to be mad I didn't tell her everything. Dammit.

"Back rub now," Vanilla Surprise said, sprawling out.

"I'll do it," Big Mac said. "He can't serve everyone if he's serving you."

"Mmm, be gentle," Vanilla Surprise said into her pillow.

He was; he's a very gentle man, I could tell.

I brought the CMC some apple juice. They all stared at my underwear. "Why wear just that?" Apple Bloom asked.

"You're not old enough for me to explain," I told her, handing out glasses to everyone.

Twist and Dinky and Sweetie all looked at each other, smiled, and started drinking.

Surely someone has NOT told them all that already.

Apple Bloom grimaced. "I'm a big pony now!" She held her glass with her tail and sipped from her straw.

"Hey, Apple Bloom," Ivan said.

I nearly fell down; sudden Ivan attack! Or arrival, anyway. He was dressed like me.

"Yes, Ivan?" she said.

"I hear you're good with machines and things," Ivan said. "And building."

"Yes," she said. "Uncle K thinks I have potential!" she said proudly.

I grimaced 'Uncle K'.

Ivan looked hornswoggled for a moment, then said, "How would you like to learn to pick locks and disarm traps? Rarity's going to study with me to improve her skills." He looked at me. "Marcus can help teach you."

"Cool! Daring Thief Crusaders!" Scootaloo said.

I hope she has thick skin and a high pain threshold.

"Oooh, I want to try!" Sweetie said.

"And me!" Dinky said.

I penciled in a disaster to my mental calendar.

"MORE WINE!" Applejack shouted.

I brought her the apple brandy. "Try this," I said.

"WOO!" She was somewhat drunk and flying high.

"Cabana Boy! I require HARD LIQUOR," Vanilla Surprise shouted.

Urgle.

"She is not allowed to ever have hard liquor again!" Lunette shouted. She was in human form, down to basically underwear.

"I am QUEEN OF HARD LIQUOR!" Giggle.

Bloody hell, Celestia's drunk.

"No hard liquor, then," Big Macintosh said. "By royal command."

"SOFT LIQUOR!"

Heh. I got her some wine. That would have to do.

Rarity was busy taking measurements on Lunette. "I will design you some outfits for this form. I will need some as well." Her measuring devices whirred about her.

"Don't forget you have hands and can pick things up," Lunette pointed out to her, smiling.

"..."

I laughed and brought her a glass of orange brandy mixed with some fruit juice and cinnamon. "Here you go, dear," I told her. "You can relax, you know."

"Darling, when I see a friend in need, I MUST act," Rarity said.

"I really don't use this form a lot," Lunette said.

"Nonsense, it's beautiful and should not be wasted," Rarity said. She looked at me and winked and I winked back.

Why are we winking?

But if your girlfriend winks at you, you WINK BACK.

"Ivan, I require your body!" Rarity said loudly, then sipped her drink.

For a moment, I wondered if Celestia had possessed her. I could hear Vanilla Surprise laughing.

Ivan nervously came over. "What?"

"I must measure you. Do you really think you can wear THAT to the company of the Immortals?" Rarity said.

"I would wear more than underwear!" he protested.

"Also, your underwear is very, very drab. White is simply not your color."

Mine is dark blue, if you care. Rarity was wearing a kind of shimmering fabric; I rather liked it.

"You're heading back tomorrow, right?" Vanilla Surprise said to Big Macintosh.

"I fear so," he said. "There's a lot of work to be done."

"Thank you for escorting me," she said. "I had a good time. It was nice to put my crown aside for a little while."

"I had fun too," he said. "But a farmer's work is never done," he said stolidly, neither celebrating nor denying it.

"Nor a Queen's," she said. "But even a Queen needs a moment to relax."

"And a farmer too," he said comfortably.

Ivan continued to be worked over... measured by Rarity. I could tell he was trying very hard not to look at her chest, even if they were covered. Don't even think it, Ivan.

"BEER!" Soarin' shouted.

Beer it is.

Book 5: Whiskey Fueled Violence Here I Come

"Oh shit, it's killing them!" Dash said in a panic.

"It's freeing them," I told her. "They're undead. They need to become regular dead, so they can move on instead of being trapped in their rut for eternity."

I quickly sent Twilight a note so she wouldn't worry.

When all the dead were gone, a small wheel of cheese remained. Enough to take home and share with everyone on the train.

"Let's go back to the train," I told Dash. "That's enough adventure for one day."

She snagged the wheel. "I bet everyone will LOVE this! Hah, I did awesome magic! ROCK ON!"

************

"How can this possibly taste so good?" Rarity said, stunned after having a slice.

We were in a lounge car, eating the freaky miracle cheese. It was amazingly good given its origins.

"This tastes great," Fluttershy said, eating quickly and enthusiastically.

"It tastes GREAT," Spike said. "Thanks a ton, Dash."

"You're welcome," Dash said, grinning confidently.

Finishing it, I got this sudden, incredible rush that made me jump. "Wow!"

"What?" Dash said.

"I don't know, I got a kind of kick from finishing it," I told her. I don't know how to describe it but it was a good feeling.

"If you want a kick, I'd be happy to oblige, you idiot!" Captain Keen Eyes snapped at me.

We were eating in the lounge car, crammed around a table, and he'd come up behind us. "You two idiots ran off ON YOUR OWN and roused a city of undead! How am I supposed to protect people who leave the safe zone for NO REASON?" he shouted angrily. "Don't pull this shit again, kids!"

"I am not a KID," Dash said angrily. "And no harm came of it!"

"I know you both got injured!" he said.

The fact we were both sporting bandages did not help our case.

"They won't do it again," Twilight said, then LOOKED at us as if to burn this into our brains.

"I can't trust them not to do something stupid!" Captain Keen Eyes said angrily. "I'd have you scrubbing toilets if you were one of my stallions! They're trained not to pull this kind of shit!"

I backed up as he advanced on me. The urge to run was very strong; he's rather intimidating.

"Your stallions spent the time Marcus was gone hitting on Rarity," Pinkie said. "Did you train them in that too?" She frowned.

For a moment Captain Keen Eyes looked shot in the face, but he recovered. "They're all hard-working, disciplined and brave! They'd make fine husbands for my daughter, but that's not important right now! What's important is that you two idiots nearly brought down an undead dwarven army on us and could have gotten yourself killed! When you are SUPPOSED to stay on the train! And don't flap your pie holes about scouting at me! I SENT OUT SCOUTS! I didn't bring ten pegasi so each of you could get in trouble!"

His stupid warponies have been hitting on Rarity.

"You're not the boss of me!" Dash said angrily, wings up and trying to look big. Captain Keen Eyes towered over her anyway.

"Father, did you entirely pick your men by who you think I ought to marry?" Rarity said angrily.

I could feel myself getting angry. We'd helped a bunch of poor undead finally escape their misery. And his stupid men had been using this as an excuse to HIT ON MY GIRLFRIEND!

"I picked good men who know their place and do their jobs and fight hard and bravely! Anything else is merely a coincidence!" he protested, though he took a moment to GLARE at Pinkie, who now was trying to eat the rest of her cheese and making distorted faces. "And none of my men have put this mission in DANGER!"

Applejack frowned. "Well, he's right, you two shouldna done that. But it ain't worth throwing a hissyfit over, either."

"I am in charge of this train and protecting you and if any of you pull this sort of childish behavior, the pegasi WILL stop you," he said. "It is my duty to protect you and I will do my duty even if you wouldn't know duty if it bit you," Captain Keen Eyes said angrily to Dash and I.

I was pawing the ground and snorting. Not deliberately, it just seemed the way to express how pissed off I was. I could hardly think I was so angry with this bastard.

"Hey, I helped stop Nightmare Moon! I helped stop a dragon from devasting Equestria! SEVERAL TIMES!" Dash said angrily. "I do my duty! I do things YOU CAN NEVER DO," she shouted back.

"MEATY! That's it!" Spike suddenly said. "It tastes totally MEATY. Yumm!"

"You're right," Fluttershy said. "It is meaty." She licked her lips. "We should stop shouting and discuss this like adults."

"You think you can take ME, boy? I could kick three of you's ass," Captain Keen Eyes said flatly.

I could smell how much he despises me and it made me even angrier. Fluttershy and Twilight were worried, Dash was pissed off, Pinkie smelled amused but was busy eating everyone's unfinished cheese, and Rarity smelled VERY worried and angry at once.

"Marcus, let it go," Rarity said to me. She turned to her father and spoke firmly. "Father, stop spitting on my coltfriend. I am quite vexed with you! And tell your men to stop trying to flirt with me. I have a coltfriend." Though she sounded flattered by it, which aggravated me more.

"Your coltfriend is trash," Captain Keen Eyes said. "A lily-livered maggot who doesn't have the GUTS to make me shut up."

I haven't been this angry in forever. My nostrils flared and my eyes were wide and my blood was pounding and I wanted to rush him so much. But kicking Rarity's father's ass is unlikely to go over well with her, much as he deserves it. So I pawed the ground and breathed hard and fought the urge to attack.

"That is ENOUGH," Twilight said. "Captain Keen Eyes, one more word from you trying to provoke Marcus into attacking you and I will send Celestia a letter and ask her to have you removed from this mission." Her voice was very firm and I could smell her anger.

His mouth widened. I could smell his shock.

"Marcus, he's right and you two shouldn't have done that," Twilight said firmly to us. "You both got hurt. What if you were left unable to go on? You could have died and we wouldn't have even known WHY."

"But..." Dash began.

"Go to your rooms and stay there until you calm down. And don't go running off again when we're supposed to stick to our guards," Twilight said determinedly.

"But..."

"Come on, Dashie," Fluttershy said firmly, hustling her along. Dash protested, but Fluttershy simply overwhelmed her, firmly herding her along with her hands. I stared in shock.

That's not normal.

"Marcus, you go too. I am going to talk to the Captain in private," Twilight said firmly.

I bowed to her. "Yes, Duchess Sparkle." I emphasized Duchess, reminding Keen Eyes she outranked him.

Rarity came with me, grumbling under her breath. I paced in our room, unable to sit still as she flopped down on the bed, launching into a long list of her past troubles with her father.

I half-listened and half tried to calm down but I couldn't calm down. I wanted to wipe that smug look off his face. Bastard!

I hate that bastard so much.

I hadn't hated anything this much in a long time.

Dash... okay, Dash and I shouldn't have gone in there on our own but they needed our help! And we helped even the undead! Dash was awesome but now we're in trouble.

"And then I rode the giant cheese off into the sunset," Rarity said, frowning.

"That's nice," I said, not really listening. Until now it sank in. What?

"Pay attention when I'm whining!" she said angrily.

"I've been sent to my room like a five year old!" I said angrily. "I can hardly think!"

"Which is probably why you ran off without even telling me!" she said angrily. "You got HURT! I was worried about you, you know! You wouldn't even write me back and let me know what happened." She pointed a leg at me accusingly.

That hurt and I cringed. "I'm sorry, dear, we did it all the time on the trip and I totally didn't think about it, then I got the first letter when we were in deep trouble and I couldn't answer." I hung my head in frustration.

"Pay attention when I'm pontificating," she said strongly, but she patted the bed next to her. I came and laid down, feeling my whole body still doing the nervous energy thing. "I want to run," I mumbled. "Not away, just run. To MOVE."

Ponies find it harder to hug than people, but we embraced clumsily. I could smell her frustration and mine and we laid there together for a while.

I suddenly wondered if the duck on Fluttershy's hat had somehow made her stronger willed.

What if it's controlling her mind? Soon, there will be nothing left but a quack with a human face.

Dammit.

***************

Rainbow Dash's 20% Cooler Viewpoint:

I flopped down on the bed. "You might as well tie my wings down, so Captain Tight Ass doesn't freak out."

Fluttershy sat down on the edge, then clasped one of my hooves between her hands. It feels so weird. Her wings flapped excitedly. "It sounds to me like you did a really kind thing, going so far for those poor ghosts."

I smiled weakly. "Thanks, Fluttershy," I told her, stretching out. "I think... I don't even know how I did it, but there was this thing."

"Thing?" she said curiously, pulling back her hood and letting her long pink hair spill down. She turned to face me, trying to find a way to sit comfortably on the bed.

"It was like... The totally coolest thing ever. Like the first time I did a Sonic Rainboom, the first time we all joined together and stopped Nightmare Moon. It's like... I touched something bigger. Something powerful." I don't even know how to describe it. "Something holy," I said softly. "You know that feeling, right?" I think druids are holy.

"I know exactly how you felt," Fluttershy said. Her voice is weird like this; it has all the cadences, but it's deeper. Not man-deep, but closer to, say, Rarity. Or Sapphire Shores. And when she gets excited those stupidly large breasts humans have start shaking. I don't see the point, though the way Marcus looks at Rarity's chest when she's human, I guess they're for hypnotizing men.

I hope Soarin's not... he wouldn't forget me just like that. I shouldn't worry but all the women wink at him and shake their flanks and...

I really have a small butt. But he says he likes that.

Don't think about Soarin', or I'll just go crazy. I am totally sexy and he will NOT think of anyone else, period.

I'm sure he's probably just thinking about pie and not other women.

Stupid pie.

"I remember the first time I changed shape. I totally lost myself in being a deer, but that moment, where I felt my body start to shiver and then I could feel Mother Nature's power flowing into me, like I could feel every living thing. Like I *was* every living thing," she said excitedly. She leaned forward; that was unusual. Fluttershy never leans towards people she's speaking to unless it's some small cute creature, where she's clearly the boss.

"That's how I got my silver torc, when I showed I could shapeshift. Though it quickly became apparent I couldn't control it," she said, then sighed and sank back on her haunches. "But I think I'm doing okay. I remember I'm Fluttershy, I'm a pony, a druid..."

"Well, humans are sentient," I told her. "It's not like turning into a ferret or something where they don't even have names."

"They have names," Fluttershy said urgently. "I name them all."

But do they actually USE those names? They can't even speak in a lot of cases.

"Anyway, I feel very proud of you," Fluttershy said warmly.

"I could see their loyalty to the stupid elephant-head gem thing," I told her thoughtfully. "Can you see kindness?"

"I can see it in you," she said, smiling.

I turned a little red. "I can be kind of mean sometimes."

"I'm a little jealous I wasn't there. I would have liked to help them too," she confessed. "But what you did was very kind."

I could feel her loyalties. To Angel Bunny, to us, to her Order, to Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, to her parents... I felt like something's changed in me. It's kind of exciting but scary too.

Is this how unicorns feel with magic? I should talk to Twilight.

As if I had summoned her, she now knocked and we let her come in.

"Hi, Twilight," I said. "Welcome to Cell Fifty-Eight. Prisoner Dash reporting." I saluted her.

She sighed. "Dash, you really shouldn't have rushed off without even asking the rest of us. Captain Keen Eyes was very rude but he did have a point. I'm sure he was very worried about you."

"Frankly, I think he's just worried about who Rarity is sleeping with. Speaking of which, I think Rarity and Mar... Five Jack Smile totally did it. Yesterday, that is."

Twilight and Fluttershy turned beet red. Twilight said, "I don't know and I never WANT to know."

Oh wait, her ex... damn me. "I'm sorry, I totally forgot about you and him."

"Also, what did you call him?"

Wait, dammit... oh yeah. "See, there's no point in him being a pony if we call him 'Marcus'. That wouldn't even fool Sweetie," I said, sitting up. Well, it wouldn't fool Sweetie forever, anyway. I rolled around to get in a comfortable position. Fluttershy was oddly scrunched up, trying to find something to do with her legs.

"So I named him..." Wait... what was it...

"Five Jacks High?" Fluttershy said.

"Yeah, that's it," I said.

Twilight blinked. "Hmm, not bad. Good thinking, Dash."

"Of course. I am a genius," I said modestly.

"But running off like that was NOT wise," Twilight said. "Please don't do it again; it took me forever to talk Captain Keen Eyes down."

"Hey, we got to help some people and I was TOTALLY BORED," I told her.

"We have to be careful! The Sindhi have very different customs and we have a huge duty," Twilight said, because she is overly serious about everything.

Blah blah, sindhi customs, blah, ambassador, blah. You know how it is.

"Dash, pay attention," Fluttershy said, shaking my shoulder gently.

I blinked and stared at her. Had she actually... I probably hallucinated that too in my boredom. "Sorry, Fluttershy, I was remembering how I made magical CHEESE. Cheese so good it saved the soul of dwarves! YEAH!"

"I want to ask you about that in a minute," Twilight said. "But I need you to understand, we have to be careful and please, please don't antagonize Captain Keen Eyes any more."

"He's a rude asshole with an inflated head," I said, frowning. "He's probably going to try and steal my boyfriend too."

Half the Won... no, focus, trust Soarin', do not worry!

"He's trying to steal Ma... Five Jacks High for himself? But he's married!" Fluttershy said, worried.

I blinked in confusion. What?

"She didn't mean that," Twilight said. "Please, Dash, promise me you won't cause any more trouble. It's really important this go well so we don't have a war. Please, I'm asking you as a friend."

How can I say no to that? Saying yes to her felt right. The same way it feels right when I pull off a fancy move. "Okay, I promise, no more wandering off, no matter how bored I get."

She relaxed. "Thanks, Dash. So tell me about how you made the cheese."

She got Spike to come and take notes; only now did I realize, she hadn't brought Spike in before. Probably so as to make it more private. Thanks, Twilight.

I told her about the whole adventure. She looked quite intrigued by my cheese-making. "Amazing," she said, studying my Element.

"I can feel it," I told her softly. "Like... Tell me what it's like when you feel magic."

"Oooh, that's hard to express in words." Twilight swayed gently back and forth, thinking. "It's kind of like with smell. I can smell magic, where it's been used, where it's being used. Well... it has more... like smell plus sight. So I can see it far away too. Whereas, you know with smells, you have to get close or have a favorable wind."

I nodded. "I can see how loyal you both are." It was comforting. "How you're trying to take care of us," I said softly.

"Let me try something," she said, reaching a hoof over to touch my element and then hers began to glow and I felt a spell reach into me and...

I could feel it. Magic, everywhere. In the train, in Fluttershy, in Twilight, in me. There was a powerful knot of magic at the core of each of us. Fluttershy's whole body was flush with it, due to her shapeshift.

Twilight's eyes widened. "Amazing," she said. "Congratulations," she said softly. "That's really special."

I grinned. "Yeah. Well, I am very special," I said; it wasn't pride, just honesty.

She let go and the spell faded. "I have to go see Rarity and Ma... Five Jacks High. Wish me luck," she said.

"Wait, we have to... oh wait, never mind." Can't gossip about Rarity and Five Man Band with Twilight. "Good luck."

"I'm sure it will be just fine," Fluttershy said.

Listening to the death should entertain me.

*************

BACK TO MARCUS-O-VISION:

Rarity and I were half-asleep when there was a knock on the door. "Come in," I mumbled.

Twilight strode in; I could see Spike lurking in the hallway. She closed the door. "We need to talk about... EEE!"

"No, we're just snoozing," I said and tried to sit up. This is much harder in this pony body. Rarity and I flailed about, then somehow got around to sit sphinx-style, which is way more comfortable than you'd think at a casual glance.

Rarity carefully adjusted her tiara. "How are you, darling?" she said groggily.

"I talked down your father," Twilight said. "He still hates Five Jacks High with all the hate in the world, but there won't be any more of his men hitting on you." She sighed.

"Good," I said firmly.

"Of course, it would help if you didn't stupidly run off on your own with Dash and get yourself and her hurt!" Twilight said angrily.

I grimaced. "I didn't realize it would get so ugly," I said defensively. Yeah, we came close to getting totally screwed and I now had fresh scars to prove it.

Rarity frowned. "I am going to have to lecture Dash on not putting you in danger."

"Don't bite her head off. I'm a big boy, I made my own mistakes." I sighed. "We decided together."

Rarity frowned and Twilight said, "Well, you need to decide to NOT do it again. Because we have to be very careful. I would have thought you of all people would understand that." She sounded disappointed.

I try to be bold once and it gets me in trouble. This is why I'm not bold. "I'll be more careful," I told her. "But I couldn't let Dash go alone."

"You should have come and told us," Twilight said firmly.

"I was *very* worried," Rarity said to me, idly playing with my mane.

"I'm sorry," I told her, now feeling guilty.

"And you got hurt," Twilight said, sounding guilty herself. "Were you trying to prove to Rarity's father you could be brave?"

"I'm tired of being so afraid," I told the mattress.

"You are not a coward," Rarity said fiercely. "When it matters, you are a lion. A LION. Do not let anyone else tell you otherwise." She kissed my cheek. "Father is going to be an ass, but he'll come around. He just hasn't gotten to see you at your best."

I nuzzled Rarity and relaxed a little. "Is he always like this with your boyfriends?"

"I've never had a coltfriend he could stand," Rarity said, sighing. "But he'll come around. This time."

'This Time'. ACK.

"If Five Jacks High doesn't get himself KILLED," Twilight said firmly.

"I won't do it again," I told her mournfully.

"Wanting to be braver is good. But one can be too brave too," Twilight said.

"I remembered some more about one of my past lives, when I was a dwarf," I told her. "I was able to call up knowledge from him when I needed it most."

"Oooh, tell me about that," Twilight said excitedly, so I told her everything. Rarity began working on repairing my damaged suit, though she listened.

I told her the whole thing as well as I could remember.

"You'll need to learn to tap that knowledge, I think, as part of your path," Twilight said to me. "I think you'd gotten pretty close to finishing before it all went to hell."

"Yes," I said. "Once this whole business with Marjorie is done, I am going to talk to Celestia and Luna about it. But I think they hope that all of you will walk those roads together."

I hope I'm not saying too much. But they should know.

Rarity looked surprised but also intrigued. "All of the Elements?"

"Being guided to an artifact by an Immortal is often part of the start of a path. We'll be a powerful bloc," I said. "Most immortals start out alone with no allies or just a friend or two." But given some of Celestia's big plans... we'll need them.

Twilight looked lost in thought.

"Twilight, dear, are you okay?" Rarity asked.

"Wondering what it will be like," Twilight said softly.

"We'll spend our days jacking Halav's chariot, no doubt," I said and they all laughed. "I'm ready to have a purpose again," I said firmly. "I've let the world shave me down almost to nothing, but I want to push back. To be free of the chains I've wrapped myself with. It's weird... being angry at Captain Keen Eyes... I normally never let myself care that much, but that was a mistake. I want to care even if it scares me." IT SCARES ME.

But I had no fear, and that... was wonderful.

"I never... okay, I did want to be special," Twilight said, talking to the bed instead of to us. "But this goes beyond that."

"I know," I told her. "But there are very few pony immortals; your nation needs you. Celestia needs you."

"I will do my best," she said with determination.

"Of course you will," Rarity said. "I put my trust in you."

"Thanks," Twilight said, embarrassed. "Anyway, Five Jacks High, I need you to try to avoid angering Captain Keen Eyes or running off on your own or with Dash or anyone else. We have to stick together and be careful so this mission succeeds. I know you don't like him; you haven't seen him at his best, though. And he is trying to do his job. So please be patient."

"I will try," I told her. But he really gets my goat.

"Okay, you two can... finish snuggling...," she squeaked out. "I'll go plan my speech."

"I'd be happy to go over it with you," I told her. "Persuading people is one of my talents. And Rarity could likely punch up the elegance of it."

"I would be happy to help you of course," Rarity said to Twilight.

"Thanks," she said. "I'll see you later!"

She fled and we went back to snuggling and dozing.

************

We were into the desert by dinner time. There's a strip of rocky desert between the grasslands and the great magical oasis of Sayr Ulan. The border and the climate zone shift are the same thing and you can FEEL it. While we had pegasi on the train, it moves too fast for them to engage in effective weather control and pretty quickly, the train heated up; we had sweat with our dinner.

The coming of night was a relief, and moreso when we entered Sayr Ulan's massive magical oasis, another climate controlled area. The last twenty miles or so ran through lush grass and rich farms, orchards, and gardens. Exotic animals grazed and roamed about; Fluttershy waved at them all.

The city itself is large and powerful, home to thirty thousand people. It would likely be much larger if so much of Sind wasn't wasteland. A thousand springs created by clerics and maintained by high-caste Sindhi and Ponies keeps this whole region green and fertile and the city is full of water to a degree many outsiders (and the Ylari) envy.

The train station sticks out like a sore thumb, made of wood in a city of stone, brick, and adobe. We arrived at night and were greeted by a small party led by a grey-coated, black maned stallion in exquisite clothing with a FOUR TIERED HAT. I was struck dumb with utter jealousy, especially when three tiny clockwork ponies could be seen circling the three lower tiers.

"I am Baron Golden Star," he said; his cutie-mark was a golden six pointed star. "We of the embassy here are quite pleased to be graced with your presence, lords and ladies in the service of Celestia. Let it be henceforth known that we shall endeavour in all things to further your delicate diplomatic mission and to maintain the secrecy urged upon us by Celestia. You can be sure of the discretion of my staff and your safety under our protection." A stack of papers floated next to his head, for he was a unicorn. An Earth Pony mare stood next to him in a somewhat less magnificent suit and a simple black conical hat with a narrow brim. She had two boxes in a mount on her back; as Baron Golden Star read his speech, each page floated into the empty box closer to her flanks.

"Thank you," Twilight began.

"And Luna," Ivan said. "You need to mention her too." His voice was firm.

The mare twitched, while Baron Golden Star showed no sign of noticing Ivan existed, let alone responding to him.

"On such a solemn occasion as the arrival of special envoys of Princess Celestia to bear an important, secret message which can be revealed to no one but the Radirajah himself, it is, of course, customary to offer a few remarks," Baron Golden Star continued. "Let us begin by remembering the many blessings which have been rained down upon us every day by Princess Celestia, who raises the sun and the moon each day and ensures they bless our fair land of Equestria, a realm so great that even those of other species flock to our flag." He nodded briefly at Fluttershy and Ivan.

"Princess Luna is in charge of the moon, you know," Ivan said, now clearly more aggravated.

The mare twitched again. Another page was disposed of and Baron Golden Star turned to the next.

Captain Keen Eyes flashed a series of short and bright pulses of light from his horn; his men began to fan out, the Pegasi spreading out over the station, the Earth Ponies forming a loose perimeter and the Unicorns clustering near us. Dash started to rise and Captain Keen Eyes grunted at her and she grimaced and landed.

"Hail Celestia Invictus, who blesses our land with the sun and the moon and the stars, by whose power, night and day are divided and the seasons turn regularly. Hail Celestia Invictus, who defeated the Feathered Serpent of Shadow and drove him into the depths beneath the world and imprisoned him. Hail Celestia Invictus, who drove the servants of Karaash from this land. Hail Celestia Invictus who defeated the Mare of the Moon. Hail..."

This went on and on while Ivan grew more and more irritated. Applejack looked bored out of her mind. Rarity took some measurements on Fluttershy and began modifying some dress patterns she had. Dash rocked on her feet like a metronome, looking ready to die. Twilight stood as if frozen JUST before she intended to speak. At times, she started to try to override the Baron.

Nothing could stop this man from talking.

He had two Earth Pony lancers, two Unicorn magi, and two Pegasi guards, all of whom looked as bored as us and lurked where he could not see this. His assistant looked apologetic.

Around page seven, Twilight said quickly, "Can we finish this at the embassy? We've come a long ways and this place is harder to secure."

"Fear not, Sayr Ulan is a city which is very safe! The Radirajah's guards protect it ably and unlike some human cities, there are no sewer monsters nor shambling undead hiding in closets or other places which might reasonably conceal shambling undead," Baron Golden Star said cheerfully. "Fear not, you will have plenty of time to sleep before delivering your secret message, by which I mean a message whose very existence must be concealed from the world at large. It is best we wait for the streets to finish cooling, as this station has a nice breeze."

Captain Keen Eyes flashed another signal to his men.

"Now, as I was saying... oh yes. Hail to the Elements of Harmony, whose mighty deeds are so mighty that they are also a secret, which cannot be revealed and shall not be revealed in this speech. Nonetheless, it is entirely meet and just that they might be chosen as special envoys for a message which is so secret that even it existing as a secret is itself information not to be generally revealed," he continued. "Next page," he said, discarding that one and calling up the next.

I let his hat hypnotize me, watching the little clockworks circle it while Rarity made her happy work noises and the cool night breezes began to blow. Pinkie was staring at Baron Golden Star as if he was beating her to death with a hammer and she made small whimpering noises in face of the onslaught. Twilight had a frozen smile and clearly was doing calculations of some spell in her head to avoid madness.

Hat... blah, blah, secret.... blah, blah, Hat, hospitality of the Radhirajah, caste, blah, priests, blah blah, Hat...

I only came out of it when I found myself in a room at the embassy. Rarity was asleep on the bed and I found myself next to it, just standing there, for no reason. So I changed into a night robe and went to bed, hoping this was NOT like the time I got mind controlled by mind flayers and ended up their slave for three months.

I soon fell asleep.

**************

Breakfast was a mix of fruit and these incredibly tasty stuffed rolls. They were were full of cauliflower, chillies, and coriander with ginger and red chili powder mixed in. They set your mouth on fire but they were really good.

"The speech did end, right?" I said.

"I don't know, I passed out from boredom," Rainbow Dash said. "Man, that guy just TALKS AND TALKS."

"It is the job of an ambassador," Baron Golden Star said behind her and she jumped. If he was offended, he showed no sign of it as he joined us. "I hope the food is to your taste."

"It's great," I said. "Kind of hot, but great."

Rarity carefully peeled an orange and seperated it into segments, giving me half. "Thank you for this meal," she said graciously.

"I merely do my duty," he said humbly, then began eating himself, lifting the food with his magic.

Twilight made the 'manners' gesture at everyone and everyone began fumbling around trying to be elegant, though Ivan and Fluttershy simply ate with their hands, causing Baron Golden Star to stare.

"What?" Ivan said irritably.

"You would be well advised to know that the inhabitants of this country regard eating with your hands as a sign of being low caste." He nodded at the knife and fork and spoon by the plate. "Even something like this."

Ivan showed Fluttershy how to do it, though he looked more irritable now. "You left Princess Luna out of your speech."

"Diplomacy is Princess Celestia's concern," Baron Golden Star said smoothly between bites. "She is also best not mentioned while you are here."

Ivan narrowed his eyes. "Why?"

"Some self-proclaimed prophet of Luna has been making the rounds urging the Ponies here to revolt and subject the humans to their will," he said. "Saying Ponies are a higher form of life than humans and ought to be at the top of the caste ladder. There's always some sort of lunatic like this, but this one has some of the humans rather agitated, and they'll be watching you closely."

"Frankly, this screwed up caste system deserves someone to toss a match and let it burn," Ivan said, frowning.

"M'lord Ivan, you are, of course, free to say what you like, but you might wish to consider the expression of such sentiments is likely to be conducive to the failure of your mission, though I can, of course, only speculate," Baron Golden Star said, turning his head to study Ivan with a single eye. "I take it you are a devotee of the Princess."

"You could say that," Ivan said, then carefully ate another of the cauliflower rolls.

"They went dancing together! She's a really good dancer!" Pinkie said excitedly.

Baron Golden Star's nostrils flared a moment and he ate quietly.

"We do have to be careful," Twilight said. "Have the arrangements been made to see the Radhirajah?"

"In one week," he said.

"One WEEK?" Dash squeaked out.

We are going to go crazy cooped up in here.

"It is not easy to secure a private audience with the Radhirajah when one cannot explain the nature or purpose of the message to be delivered," Baron Golden Star said regretfully, then poured himself more orange juice.

I can't tell if he's being obstructionist or it's just his nature. I think he's annoyed he doesn't know the message.

Twilight frowned at her food, continuing to eat.

"I could have gone back to my farm for a while if I'd known about this," Applejack grumbled. "I hate leaving Big Mac to do all the work at the farm."

"Spike, darling, can I ask you to send a few letters for me?" Rarity said to him. "I need to get information from some clients so I can work on their projects while I am here."

"I'd love to!" he said, pausing from wolfing down food. "Hey, where do dragons fit into this system, anyway?"

"Generally the warrior caste," Baron Golden Star said unusually succinctly. "You'd have to have a few more magical skills to be treated as part of the magical caste. Duchess Twilight, on the other hand, would, in theory, be part of that, but she is a Pony, and thus of the lowest caste. Being foreigners, however, you all will be treated as higher than a tradesman but lower than a warrior. Except for the humans. Count Ivan will be viewed as a warrior if he dresses appropriately and Countess Fluttershy as a member of the magical caste."

"Oh, I should take a cover name too," Fluttershy said.

"Filippa. It means 'lover of horses'," Ivan said. "We could pretend to be siblings."

"Oh, that's very kind of you," Fluttershy said, smiling. "Filippa it is! Do you have a family name?" she asked.

Ivan paused a moment. "I am Ivan, son of Gorya, making me Ivan Goryaov. You would be Filippa Goryaova."

She smiled and took his hand for a moment and squeezed it. "I always wanted a brother," she said, looking very happy.

The pink hair is a bit of a give away, though. On the other hand, druids do weird things to their appearance all the time.

A week.

I looked at Dash; she looked trapped like a rat in a cage.

Oh yeah, this is going to be a pain.

***********

We couldn't wait for a week. But the need to avoid trouble mostly confined us. But only mostly.

Ivan and Fluttershy slipped out together that night to gather intelligence, her to talk to animals and him to poke around with his mad sneaking skills. Which I could have joined him but I'm not very sneaky in this body, dammit.

Dammit, if that duck betrays them, I will be very angry.

Instead, I teamed up with Spike and Twilight to work on scrying for our evil twins. Unfortunately, something (MARJORIE or the duck) was protecting them, dammit. So we worked on magics for detecting shifters.

Somehow, I woke up in bed after... Did I fall asleep on Twilight's floor? That's nostalgic.

"Next time, come to bed," Rarity told me.

"It was just like old times," I mumbled.

She cuddled up to me. "We are going to get very lazy like this," she said regretfully.

"A little vacation doesn't hurt," I told her. "If we don't find something for Dash to do, she's going to DIE."

"Is everything good?" Lt. Far Sight asked. He's a pegasus stallion, the second in command, and he is after my Rarity.

FAT CHANCE, Far Sight!

"We're fine, Lieutenant," Rarity said. "Just like fifteen minutes ago."

"The one time I didn't ask would be the time someone's hurt or on fire," he said. "Carry on." He headed off.

"While I do have my work, I am going to go crazy," Rarity said. "Father was never this bad with my past boyfriends."

"You should see if there is a spa we could go to. We could probably do with extra grooming before the ceremony, anyway. Surely we can't get in trouble at the spa, right?" I said.

"That is a wonderful idea, darling," she said enthusiastically. "Let's go find out."

*************

"You won't find one which services Ponies. There are places to get a trim and so on but they're very pedestrian," Baron Golden Star said. "I'm sorry."

Dammit, I thought.

Checking in with Ivan and Fluttershy was, at least, more interesting. "There's several prophets," Fluttershy said. "It's hard to be sure with animals, but she's been seen around the city by several animals at the same time. They always describe her as black with blue mane, wearing a moon amulet."

Twilight frowned. "Could be illusions or shapeshifting. Or maybe teleporting since the animals can't give precise times."

"It's probably the Elements of Power stirring trouble. Or the shapeshifters," Applejack said, frowning.

"Or both," Spike pointed out.

We'd all rendezvoused in Twilight and Spike's room to discuss what we knew.

"We know Clarity eventually... helps to lead an army against Equestria," I said, frowning.

Rarity looked quite angry. "It's not going to come to that. I can't even imagine how any version of me could betray Equestria like that."

"Someone probably waved enough gold under her nose," Spike said, then sighed and grumbled about Spikey.

"You're a better man than him," Fluttershy said firmly to Spike, patting his hand.

"Thanks, Fluttershy," he said, smiling.

"Call me Filippa while I am in human form," Fluttershy told her.

"Filippa," he said, then looked thoughtful. "We need some treasure. We can probably bait her with it if she's out there."

"Ooh," I said. "Good thinking, Spike. We all have some treasure left from the adventure, right?" I said.

"I sent mine to the farm with Big Mac and just kept enough for personal expenses," Applejack said.

"I put mine in my account for when I have to commission a platinum torc," Fluttershy said. "And I bought a lot of socks for some mice friends who are having cold feet at night."

Where do you buy socks for mice?

"I put mine in my savings account, of course," Twilight said.

"I ate my share, except for the ones I put in my vault at Twilight's tower to eat later," Spike said.

"I put the coins in my savings account but I have my gems," Rarity said.

"Mine's mostly hidden in my house at home," Dash said.

"I spent most of mine on more potion and some other little tricks," Ivan said.

"And..." Pinkie began, but Ivan put a hand over her mouth and they started wrestling around. "Mine's in the bank too except for the big sack of astral sugar I had shipped home from Canterlot for later!"

'Astral' Sugar? Now I'm intrigued. "I have all of mine except what I spent on clothing or Rarity," I said. "I guess Rarity and I will have to put up the bait loot," I continued reluctantly. My precious treasure. But ideally it won't be lost.

"I have a perfect idea!" Pinkie said. "Hold on, I have to take Ivan down first, though."

"I'll help!" Dash said, jumping into the melee.

"No, I can't let you doubleteam my brother!" Fluttershy shouted and...

Jumped in.

We all stared, unable to believe what we were seeing.

"Oh no!" Fluttershy said as what she'd done sank in, but soon she was laughing as Rainbow Dash tickled her and they rolled around on the ground.

"Stop before something breaks!" Twilight said urgently.

They all sat up, laughing, and Rainbow Dash said, "Thanks, Fluttershy."

"Filippa," she said.

"Philip," Rainbow Dash said. "I mean Flipper. Filippa!" She rubbed her head. "Wow, you actually tackled me. But then you gave up."

"I should have asked if it was okay, first," Fluttershy said, embarrassed.

"It was fine," Rainbow Dash said. She relaxed. "I needed that."

"Are you all okay?" one of Keen Eyes' stallions said.

"We're fine!" Twilight said. "No one was wrestling at all!"

Silence.

"Okay, Duchess Sparkle," the stallion said hesitantly.

"We're fine," Fluttershy said. "Don't worry, we're okay."

"Yes, ma'am," he said. I could hear faint noises, probably a salute, and then he left.

"I could find us some more gems with my magic," Rarity said.

"But all the gems inside this city are likely already claimed," Applejack said. "I guess we could head out and dig some out of the plateau, then come back. Beats sittin' around here for a week."

"I have an idea," Pinkie said. "It'll take us several days but with Twilight's super magic, we can MAKE some fake gems. It takes a lot longer to make real ones but these just have to look shiny long enough to distract her. Applejack, we get to FARM TOGETHER!"

Applejack's head came around excitedly. "Really?"

"I will teach you all the ANCIENT ART OF ROCK FARMING!" Pinkie said. She paused, then said, "Wow, I'm actually wanting to do this. I always hated rock farming."

I laughed. "Because this time you feel a purpose to it, right?"

"Yeah," Pinkie said, still stunned. "Hmm, I wonder if I could get one of my sisters to come help. Or even Father. He would be so proud."

"We can bill it to the Crown for our mission," Twilight said. "Setting a trap for Clarity is an appropriate use of our expense account. We could announce that 'rare jewels' will be on display, tempt her to steal it."

This is where I expected the CMC to pop up and offer to build a trap but they were still in Canterlot... or better at resisting exposing themselves.

Man, they could be watching us ALL THE TIME and with those cloaks we might never know.

That duck...

Okay, TOO PARANOID now.

I can see it has its beady left eye on me all the time, though.

Relax. "So how do we grow gems?"

"Spike, get ready to take a letter. It's time to summon Pinkie's father," Twilight said.

************

We spent the rest of the day and into the next getting things ready. The embassy had a garden, which we were going to have to destroy, quickgrow rocks in it, then restore to normal.

I hope we have time for it.

Pinkie was bouncing around, directing everyone. It was good to actually DO something, hard as the work was. Rarity and I both watched our gems get planted as seeds and felt rather... nervous.

Pinkie had somehow gotten a hat like Applejack's; Applejack was... so happy. I mean, she's not normally grim or anything but as we shovelled and dug and moved plants and took care of them in the pots we put them in, she was... in her element. Seeing her and Pinkie do this had... you had a feeling the world approved of it. I don't know how to describe it.

Singing work songs made the work easier; I don't understand that, but though I was exhausted by the end of our first day, it was a good kind of exhausted. Rarity was utterly filthy and so was I. We all took a very long bath; Captain Keen Eyes' men had to drag half of us (including me) out of the hot soaking tub afterwards. I fell asleep in it.

Then Rarity, Twilight, and I got to play power pump on the second day; by the time Pinkie's father arrived in the evening (he'd left his home southeast of East Point the day before.), we were all utterly exhausted. I prayed he'd say 'eyup, you're good' and not 'you all totally blew it, blow up this farm and start over'.

I'm also hoping we actually have time to LAY A TRAP before the meeting.

It didn't help that Captain Keen Eyes would watch me work and make grunty noises of disapproval. Bite me!

However, he also had several of the earth ponies help us and that was a big help.

Pinkie's father, who turned out to be named Clyde Pie, was a stern looking dark coated and maned pony with... a HAT. Seeing that made me know he could not be all bad, whatever might happen. His saddlebags were so full that tools actually stuck out of them.

He studied my hat for a moment and nodded approvingly. I was quite pleased. "Pleasure to meet you all," he said sternly, studying us. "And thank you for inviting me to assist you in this mission for the Queen. I'm glad to do my duty to Equestria." He bowed, pony-style, then turned to Pinkie. "Good to see you are well," he said sternly.

Pinkie pounced on him and hugged him. "Hi, Daddy!"

"Hello, daughter," he said weakly, looking a little embarassed.

Blinky Pie was slightly younger than Pinkie, greyish-purple coated with a long gray mane pulled into a pony-tail and a dark blue kerchief. Her mane in front had much the same style as Twilight, right down to a pink stripe in the same place as Twilight's streak. She also wore a bright pink scarf with grey rocks on it; I bet Pinkie gave her that. "Nice to meet you all," she said seriously. "Hello, sister."

Pinkie pounced on her now, hugging her tightly. "This is going to be wonderful. We only have a few days to make enough gems to draw in Rarity's evil twin sister!"

"We can't make very good gems at all in so short a time. They take a long time to mature," Clyde said. "It's why we focus on granite, limestone, and iron ore. Though we should get our decennial gem harvest from the northeast forty in about two years. Just in time for Mother's sixtieth, like I planned."

"We have a plan to hyperstimulate growth, but we needed to consult an expert rock farmer, sir," Twilight said seriously. "I'm Twilight Sparkle."

"Duchess Twilight Sparkle," Pinkie said.

Twilight turned a little red.

"And I'm her faithful companion Spike. I'm a baby Amethyst dragon," Spike said.

Clyde raised an eyebrow. "Don't you eat gems?"

"Yes, but I promise not to eat them until AFTER we trap the evil twin," Spike said; his drooling did not help his case.

Clyde looked worried, then studied all of us. "Well, we have quite the herd to work with. So tell me about your theory," he said to Twilight.

As we headed back to the embassy, Twilight rambled on while Clyde listened or made a grunt for emphasis. Then he began barraging her with technical questions about heat and soil conditions and the weather and acidity of the local water and a lot of things which went WAY over my head.

Rarity and Pinkie, in fact, had to help Twilight, who clearly was outgunned in this area. Which I suppose makes sense. Applejack also pitched in.

Blinky didn't talk much, just looked at things and listened. Her cutie mark was a drum. Curiously, I asked, "So what does your cutie mark mean?"

"I can feel out the ground by playing my drum; it tells me many things about the soil from how the ground shakes and my beats echo. I can break things too if I have to," Blinky said, then studied mine. "What does yours mean, Five Jacks High?''

"I am a jack-of-all-trades," I told her. "I do many things modestly well, instead of the normal being very focused on one thing. And I am a wizard."

She studied my legs and I looked down at them. "Is something wrong?"

"You look unusually strong for a unicorn," she said.

"Well, I'm not a soldier but the soldier unicorns are certainly strong," I told her.

"They all glare at you," she observed.

I laughed nervously.

"It's going to require a large amount of fire in order to get the proper shine on the rubies," Rarity said up ahead, continuing her conversation.

"FIRE," Spike said urgently, then breathed it.

"It will take a lot more fire than that," Clyde said.

"I can augment his fire," Twilight said, then launched into a long technical discussion of it.

"I'm not on the best of terms with Captain Keen Eyes, because I am seeing his daughter, Rarity."

"You... oh," she said. "He's not pleased by how well you 'know' his daughter," she said, smiling a little.

Dammit, this is probably some Kagyarite joke I don't know. "Yes," I said, hoping she wouldn't now condemn me as a heretic or something.

"Fathers are never happy when their daughters 'know' a stallion too well," she said amiably.

AHH.

Ahahaha.

"So this is to catch a copy of your fillyfriend?" she said.

"Yes," I told her. "Named 'Clarity'. She's very hard-working but also rather greedy and addicted to gems."

"Is there a copy of Pinkie?" she said softly, studying her sister, who was rattling on about crystal structure formation and bouncing around her stolid father as he ambled along.

"Named Pinkamena," I said. "She's a very skilled manipulator of people and her imaginary friends are real. And kind of grim and lonely."

Pinkie rose up between us somehow. She put a hoof over each of us, walking along on two legs. "She is our sister, Blinky, and I am going to save her and her friends." She was very serious to a degree unusual for her. "It's going to be long and hard but I don't care. So how are you, Blinky?"

"I am fine," Blinky said. "I have become a very good drummer and I continue to study hard so I can inherit the farm. And I've been going trotting with Rising Horizon."

"What, the colt with the glasses and the buck teeth and the big nose?" Pinkie said in surprise.

"His nose is quite pleasing, I like his glasses and he had his teeth corrected after you ran away from home," Blinky said irritably. "And he's a stallion now. We're not kids any more. Are you trotting with someone?"

I wondered idly if that was a colloquiallism of their area or a general one I hadn't heard.

"Well, I did kiss one of the unicorns to see what it's like, but he's afraid the Captain will kill him if we do it again," Pinkie said.

"You just kissed some soldier to see what it was like?" Blinky said, horrified.

"What?" Clyde said. His gaze fixed on Pinkie.

Pinkie jumped into the middle of our group and spun on her hindlegs, forelegs extended.

o/~ I kissed a boy and I liked it,

o/~ The taste of his minty cologne

o/~ I kissed a boy just to try it

o/~ I hope my friends don't mind it.

The length of hay that Clyde had been chewing fell out of his mouth.

"Why would we care?" Rainbow Dash asked, confused. You and me both.

o/~ It felt oblong, it tasted right

o/~ Don't mean I'm in love tonight!

o/~ I kissed a boy

o/~ And I liked it, I liked it!

Clyde stopped moving and stared, mouth open wide.

Blinky stopped moving, crouched down and hid her face, mumbling about having to move to the moon.

"Oblong? What on earth did you kiss?" Ivan said, confused.

"Pinkie doesn't know what oblong means," Blinky said through her hooves, still crouched. "She just likes the sound of it. It's a rectangle which isn't a square, by the way."

I thought a rectangle was not a square by definition.

"Obbbbblloooong," Pinkie said. "It's GREAT."

"Pinkie, you can't just go kissing random soldiers!" Clyde protested. "What will people think? People will TALK."

"Ponies all talk, you know," Rainbow Dash said to him slowly and confused. "Whether or not Pinkie kisses a soldier. Was he good, Pinkie?"

"Pretty good," she said. "His name has been concealed to protect the innocent, though."

Except there's only ten possible targets and if Captain Keen Eyes hears of this... there will be death.

Clyde looked at the soldiers escorting us, who ALL tried to pretend none of this had ever happened. Captain Keen Eyes was back at the embassy, thankfully. Clyde then looked at Dash. "I am, in fact, a talking pony, in case my hat confused you."

"She probably was confused by its high quality and the fineness of the felt," I said. "And the stitching."

"It is nicely assembled," Rarity said, smiling.

"Rarity made my hat for me," I said. "For which I am quite grateful."

"Is it one of them?" Clyde said, looking at the soldiers.

"We're not deaf, you know," one of the earth pony lancers said irritably.

"Your mother is going to fret about this forever, Pinkie," Clyde said mournfully.

"It's no big deal," I told him. "Whoever it was, he and Pinkie had a little fun, no one got hurt or pregnant, so what does it matter?"

Twilight mumbled, but then said, "Five Jacks High is right. As long as he wasn't slacking on duty or anything, it doesn't matter."

Pinkie sang about sweet boy kisses under a summer night of stars.

"Amen to that," Applejack said sagely. "T'aint nothing wrong with kissing a boy or three," she said to Clyde.

Clyde mumbled about the wild, high life of Ponyville and Manehattan.

"C'mon, silly sister," Pinkie said, nudging Blinky. "It's time to go. I know you kissed a boy too."

"It's different with him," Blinky mumbled and finally rose back up.

Clyde shook his head. "Being a parent is never easy." He sighed, then turned to Twilight. "Was we discussing rubies?"

"Rubies," Rarity said musically. "One of the most beautiful of gems."

"I fancy opals m'self," Clyde said.

"Opals do have their place, but they don't glitter and shine enough," Rarity said.

"A man can't have shine in his face when he's workin'," Clyde said.

"Amen to that," Applejack said.

We ambled on as they discussed the beauty of gems and I enjoyed a break from the work before, no doubt, yet more work.

*************

We worked until dinner, then into the night. Earth ponies can be kind of relentless and we had to redo a lot of work; it's clear Pinkie hasn't done this in a while. Her father seemed pleased by her effort, though.

"See what you've got here? The beryl's angled wrong, so if it keeps growing, it's going to spike right through the topaz and disrupt it entirely," he pointed out as I lit up the hole they were peering down.

Blinky was busy banging on her drum; the ground vibrated constantly and she would announce things, leading us to drill more holes down to make changes. Or dig them.

Rainbow Dash liked the drill as she could tie herself to it, then fly in a circle at high speed and operate it. I could see several of the pegasi soldiers watching her work. Too bad, boys, she's taken.

Good luck competing with a Wonderbolt.

Pinkie suddenly turned to her father. "Where's Inkie?"

He sighed. "Decided she's an elf," he said mournfully.

"An elf?" I asked.

"Blah, blah, I was born to frolic and play in the forest and sing and dance and not move rocks around, my true elven soul revolts at these chains, blah blah, blah." Clyde sighed. "She dyed her coat green, renamed herself Arwen Moonshadow, then hopped the train to Darokin City to go to Alfheim and 'join her people'. I expect they'll ship her back in a few months with a note asking us to not let her do it again." He looked at Pinkie and they both looked rather uncomfortable, then he sighed. "What's done is done. The Cakes write us every week to let us know how you're doing since you usually forget."

Pinkie cringed. "I never know what to say. Parties never sound so cool on paper as they are in reality." She sounded guilty.

"You could, at least, *try* to convey it," he said. "What's next, Blinky?"

"I expect Pinkie will cry to try to make you feel guilty," Blinky said, frowning.

"I mean with the rock work," Clyde said patiently.

Pinkie made a gurgly noise, trying not to cry.

"There is something suspiciously like rock candy intermixed with the emeralds," Blinky said. "I can't imagine why."

"It's so delicious," Spike mumbled.

"Show me where to drill!" Dash said excitedly and soon dirt was flying everywhere.

"You shouldn't rag on your sister so much," Applejack said to Blinky.

"I work hard and no one cares I exist, she goofs off and gluts herself and is a great heroine of Equestria," Blinky said irritably, continuing to bang her drums and at times, kick a cymbal. She kicked one drum and banged the other with a stick held in her tail.

Applejack opened her mouth, then shut it for a few seconds. Then she said, "Farming isn't something you do for glory and recognition. But without us, people would die. You gotta have food. I'm proudest of my farm, but no one cares about that." She watched Dash work. "You're gonna get the farm eventually, right?"

"Yes. And I'll need to find someone to marry. I hope things work out with Rising Horizon, but he's not the first stallion I've gone trotting with," Blinky said.

I listened curiously while I carefully churned a patch of soil with a kind of rake thing. I'm not sure why I am doing this but Clyde and Blinky seem to know what they're doing, so I kept it up, moving the rake with my magic, though I was getting worn out.

Blinky switched beats and cocked her head. "There's a snake at point 28, 23, depth twenty feet."

"Twenty feet?" Clyde said. "How the hay is a snake digging that deep? WHY?"

"It's slowly heading towards 28, 22," she said. This is some sort of coordinate system they understand intuitively and I just follow orders to follow it.

Fluttershy, who had been directing the embassy pets in digging said, "Show me where."

Blinky blinked, then pointed. Fluttershy ambled over and began to sing. The snake soon rose out of the dirt, then coiled itself around her gently; it was a huge constricter with golden and black scales; she caressed its head and spoke to it with sibilant whispers.

Blinky stared, eyes wide.

"Don't tell me you've never seen a druid," Applejack said, surprised.

"I thought she was some sort of trainer. There aren't many druids in the Big Apple Province," Blinky said. "Don't those things normally crush people? Or do they like humans?"

Fluttershy now caressed the serpent with her wings and it made happy noises. I had a very odd feeling and tried to figure out why.

Ivan made odd noises and went to help Twilight with... something big and magical that I couldn't tell what it was but it stuck down in the ground a lot. I'm not sure how he could help but it was suddenly urgent.

"Sssississis says he was sent to spy on us by my sister," Fluttershy said, stroking the serpent gently. "But he got lost tunneling his way in. He's got a little spell or three on him. But he's going to stay with me now."

"Is she the prophet?" I asked.

"He's never seen her look like the Prophet or preach about Luna," Fluttershy said.

"He's probably a plant," I told her.

Fluttershy blinked. "Five Jacks High, he's an animal."

"Yeah, Five Jacks High, he's a snake. They're not plants, you know," Pinkie said a little chidingly.

"Yeah, plants don't move under their own power," Dash said, shaking her head. "Ergo, not a plant."

Twilight made a noise. "Homonyms, it's a homonym, everyone."

"How do you even tell what gender a snake is, anyway?" Dash asked.

"..." What?

"He certainly..." Ivan trailed off into an odd noise.

"I mean, he meant 'plant' as in 'spy'," Twilight said a little lecturingly.

"Why not just say spy?" Dash asked.

Damn you, Thyatian and your homonyms. Thyatian is the most commonly spoken language in this region. When Darokin adopted it as their official language, it gave it a further boost. Thyatians like to absorb foreign words and integrate them into Thyatian. The result is that it is full of words which sound the same but mean different things, homonyms.

"Because... I don't know," I said irritably. "It was just the first word that came to mind."

I could smell everyone get worried. I am not going to totally freak out. Just aggravated.

Fluttershy looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry, Five Jacks High," she said apologetically. "I should have realized that."

I relaxed a little. "It's okay," I told her. I could feel everyone relax... smell them relaxing... as I relaxed. I can see how stampedes get started.

Pinkie suddenly said, "I guess Mom is home tending the farm?"

"Someone's got to ensure the rocks gather no moss," Clyde said. "I expect Five... what is your name again?"

"Five Jacks High," I told him.

He studied me with one eye. "Five Jacks High is right, I reckon. Likely he's the spy meant to be caught so we don't notice the REAL spy." He looked up at the air. "Blinky, any chance..."

"Not unless it's really big," she said. "My talent doesn't go that way."

"Two of my unicorns are experts in ECM," Captain Keen Eyes said.

I jumped, having not noticed him coming.

"They'll find any invisible or phasing spies," Captain Keen Eyes continued.

"ECM?" Dash asked, confused.

"Espionage Counter-Measures," Captain Keen Eyes said. "I knew something like this would happen, if not the details. We put anti-scrying wards over the embassy; the ones it had weren't very good. But they won't stop a physical, well hidden spy."

"It's not impossible someone on the staff has been charmed or possessed or just bribed," Twilight said, frowning.

"None of the staff are watching us, though," I said. "Right now, anyway."

"Well, we should get back to work, let the experts handle it," Clyde said, then looked at Twilight. "But you're the boss, ma'am."

"Captain, would you like me to help your men?" Twilight said to him.

"I'm sure they'd be glad to have your assistance," Captain Keen Eyes said.

Twilight went off with him and the rest of us went to work.

***************

If there was another spy, we didn't catch him, but Fluttershy adopted the snake as her pet, naming him Slither. There's something just odd about someone walking around with a constrictor on them which is being cuddly instead of murderous.

I slept like a rock and the next morning, we all had breakfast and went to work. Twilight, Rarity and I were fairly zonked by lunchtime from the amount of magic we had to pour in; some of the military unicorns helped. Clyde was amazed by the results; Applejack looked like she felt it was cheating. Necessary cheating but cheating.

At lunch, we were joined by the ambassador, Baron Golden Star. "How is the project coming?" he asked us.

"Well," Twilight said. "We should be able to lay our trap and clean it all up before we see the Radhirajah."

"That's good," he said. "We're going to have to... do something to reinforce the embassy vault. There's been a robbery at the Thyatian Embassy."

Fluttershy's duck was watching me, but I ignored him. Stupid duck. I blinked. "Really?"

"Someone tunneled up under the embassy and lowered the vault down into their tunnel and them made off with everything in it," Baron Golden Star said. "I have of course assured them that no one involved with our embassy would do such a thing," he said, gaze sweeping across us meaningfully.

"After all the work we did yesterday, I don't think any of us could steal another biscuit," Dash said.

"I wouldn't go robbin' an embassy, tired or not," Applejack said, frowning at Baron Golden Star.

"Of course not, Countess," he said smoothly. "I merely informed you of my course of action. Hopefully, there will be no more incidents."

"Any clue who did it?" I asked. "It could be Clarity. Or one of the other Elements of Power."

"The only clue is four beads of rhodolite strung on a string," Baron Golden Star said. "And a silver Minrothad coin but I expect it was just planted to throw suspicion on them."

I snorted. HAH!

He looked at me, and I said, "Long story, sir."

"I don't think it was the Elements," Ivan said.

"Why?" Twilight said curiously.

"They'd frame us," Ivan said. "They likely know we're here," he continued. "And they might well frame us even if they didn't know. Someone would get enough of a look at Clarity or whoever that they'd recognize us if we showed up, so as to wreck our mission."

"Whatever exactly it is," Baron Golden Star said. "Beyond tearing up my garden."

"It's a secret," Twilight said apologetically.

"I'm surprised they haven't tried to frame us yet if they do know we're here," Applejack said, frowning. She poked at her rice with a spoon gripped clumsily between hooves. It was not easy to eat that way, but manners dictated it and Applejack struck me as someone too stubborn not to keep trying once she'd committed to something.

I bit down on a pepper. So tasty even if now my mouth will burn forever.

"It's a good question," Twilight said. "I suppose the Thyatians are unlikely to let us take a look around."

"I only know about the clues because I have connections," Baron Golden Star said.

"I will go poke around a bit," Ivan said. "I can do more good than with the rock farming."

"I'll come with you, brother," Fluttershy said. "Slither can help us."

I wish I knew if she is good at keeping a cover or has basically lost it.

"I'll candy up and come too," Dash said. "Much as I like the drill I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS PLACE!" She paused. "Nothing personal, Baron Golden Star, but I am a Pegasus."

"Do we have anything for you to wear?" I asked.

"I DID bring formal clothing. The candy will convert that, right?"

"Yes," I said.

"We're good, then."

"I can't let you all roam around without any protection," Captain Keen Eyes said, frowning.

He had AGAIN slipped up on us. Or at least ME.

"Three is the most. We can't sneak with an army. Trust me, we'll be fine," Ivan said to him. "And if we aren't, I'll apologize later."

"If you get in trouble, I will be in trouble, whether you apologize or not," Captain Keen Eyes said. "I have to send SOMEONE with you."

"They're going to need to fake being human," Ivan said. "Got anyone who can handle that?"

"Me!" Pinkie said. "But I have to help farm."

"One of my Earth ponies, so he won't stand out," Captain Keen Eyes said. "You'll need to hide Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash's wings unless you want to stand out, though."

"I can fold them in close and put clothing over them, right?" Dash said.

"You really want to go, I see," Applejack said, amused.

"Even just walking around will be nice," Dash said.

"I'll find a suitable man to go with you," Captain Keen Eyes said.

Ivan frowned but nodded. "I'll come with you. Dash, get suited up."

The rest of us finished lunch and got back to work.

***************

Humanified Dash looked, in fact, like a Thyatian who fell into a pile of buckets of paint. She had olive skin and her usual short rainbow colored hair, with a golden laurel wreath and a rainbow-colored stola with golden sandals. Her stola was pinned with a golden storm and lightning bolt on her left shoulder. She was short and athletic of build.

She twirled nimbly on one foot. "How do I look?"

"You look great," I told her.

"You look like you could be Marcus' sister," Pinkie said.

"Hmm, that's true," Rarity said thoughtfully.

Dash did a little dance, swinging her arms around. "Not bad at all. So when does the soldier show up?"

"I'm right here," he said; like Dash, he looked Thyatian. Unlike Dash, he looked like an explosion in a clothing factory had caught him by surprise; his shirt was, in fact, on backwards. "I'm Private High Dive," he said, saluting. "My specialty is high altitude operations but I'm also a skilled scout."

"Darling, your outfit is a disaster," Rarity said. "Let me get you fixed up."

She dragged him away. Dash watched them go, then glanced at me.

I glanced back. What?

She blinked, then grabbed Ivan by the hands. "Come on, let's dance while we wait."

They were soon spinning around with a nimble grace I know I can't match in this form. I can handle moving around, thanks to the magic, but I can't do THAT.

Then again, she is an athlete.

I hope this mission goes smoothly.

**************

Ivan-O-Vision:

I hope High Dive knows his stuff. Him coming out with the shirt on backwards... let's hope it was a joke.

Really, this would be better with just Fluttershy and I, since she can shift and I can do it with my potion if I need to.

I hope Dash doesn't get impatient and screw this up for us.

"Dash, cartwheeling down the street isn't very sneaky," I told her.

"Sorry, I just need to move around," she said. "And call me Samus Julia! It's my cover name!"

"We need a cover name?" High Dive asked, then combed his unruly black hair again.

"You are now Antonius Pius, cousin of Samus Julia," Ivan said.

"Right," he said very seriously. Unlike Dash, who is rather a ham and rather... it's like she's always just drunk a pot of coffee. He was very sober and serious, which I guess is how Captain Keen Eyes likes it. He began looking around as we walked; he was dressed much like me, but without any weapons.

"So what's the plan?" Dash asked.

I have an idea but it's rather risky.

"Well, this will probably blow up in our face, but I am thinking we can drop by, you two can fake being Thyatian long enough to make inquiries about what's cool and what isn't in this town, if there is anywhere Thyatians should avoid and the like. Fillipa and I will be your Karameikan companions and while you two ask questions, Slither can spy and I can sneak around a bit."

"So we're the diversion," High Dive said carefully.

"Yes," I said. "Basically, your job is just to blather." I licked my lips nervously. While I see if what Luna taught me works without Luna around.

Having succeeded in part of my quest for Immortality, I've gained a new trick she taught me, which she learned from Asterius long ago. It worked in the fight, but...

Be confident.

I wish she was here, though. I'd feel more confident. At least I know they can all fight if everything goes to hell but let's pray it does not.

I fingered my ring; I spent some of my money on it; it's a silver ring with Asterius' holy symbol on it. Which is the moon.

I can do this. If I am going to be an immortal one day, I'll never get there by being worried. Trust my allies. Dash fights very well, but is too rash. Fluttershy is a great druid but not very assertive. High Dive is a trained soldier. Even if he can't use his biggest talent right now.

No freaking out, I told myself.

I feel in over my head sometimes.

A lot.

But I have to do this. Karameikos needs someone who will actually care about it. Asterius has told me to help Celestia and Luna for the moment, so I'm doing that. And I want to do it well. I tend to let others take the lead on things, so I'm not used to being in command.

But I have to get used to it, if I'm going to become an Immortal.

They're all looking at me. Hopefully, I am not showing panic.

Lead!

I led them off down the street; the embassies are all in the same district, along with businesses which cater to foreigners, like a very nice looking Karameikan style restaurant. In fact, Karameikos has an embassy here, next to the Thyatian.

"Okay, the first part of our cover," I told them, "is that we'll go into the Karmeikan embassy, do our 'wandering tourist' routine, but no spying. It'll just let us practice using our fake names."

"What's your fake name?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"I don't need one, I'm not in disguise."

She shook her head. "You are now Petrov."

"Okay, I'm Petrov," I said, hoping I remember it.

The Karameikan embassy was small and simple. Sind has some trade with Karameikos but I suspect the consulate in Jahore, the main port, is much larger and more important. The reception desk had a single bored clerk who was busy writing a report. Short and dark haired, he studied us, then his eyes widened.

Hopefully, he thinks we are generic adventurers and is not an agent of some foe or thinks I am Erik or something.

Erik's one of my two oldest friends but sometimes I just want to beat him to death for being an idiot. He gets us in so much trouble, it is hard to believe. Honestly, the only reason he's still alive is the reincarnation thing. I'm stunned I've survived being around him so much.

"Hello, welcome, travellers," the clerk said nervously. "I am Vassily. A pleasure to meet you."

"A blessing on you and all your kin," I said, bowing. Fluttershy bowed as well; Rainbow Dash and High Dive bowed a few seconds later. "I am Petrov and this is my sister Fillipa. We are from Specularum; these are our friends Samus Julia and Antonius Pius from Kerendas in Thyatis." Kerandas is a major horse breeding region. I had a horse from there for a while until a chimera ate him.

"Nice to meet you, fellow human," Rainbow Dash said.

Dash, no human ever would say 'fellow human' to another. At least not when it's nothing but humans.

Vassily studied her hair with his dark eyes, blinking. "It's a pleasure to meet you, fair lady."

"I have a boyfriend!," Rainbow Dash squeaked.

"It's okay," High Dive said, putting a hand on her shoulder. "I'm not jealous that easy."

Okay, he was a good choice for this mission.

"A pity," Vassily said.

Interesting, I thought. "We just arrived and must confess we know little of how best to obtain lodging here suitable for outsiders like ourself."

What followed was a thirty minute lecture on Sind, cultures, lodging and how to avoid getting killed by touchy high-caste people. Very useful and I wish Baron Golden Star had bothered to tell us all this, though some of it we knew from Celestia.

I frankly think he's up to something but I don't know what. Or maybe he's just annoyed he hasn't been told the whole story.

Fluttershy petted her serpent the whole time while I tried to tell my body and brain to stop thinking things which could only lead to trouble.

Vassily every so often glanced nervously at the snake, but kept up his routine.

Dash didn't blow our cover and asked some useful questions. So maybe this will go well.

This really would have been better with less people but we use what we have.

Okay, time to hit the Thyatians.

*************

STILL IVAN-O-VISION:

There is a poster of Erik of Vestland with the fifty thousand gold reward just outside the front door of the Thyatian embassy. Which, by the way, Baron Golden Star DID NOT MENTION.

On the other hand, he doesn't know we have Erik with us.

Still, dammit.

Breathe, I told myself, and we went inside.

Another round of introductions; in the middle of the lecture from this embassy's clerk, Fluttershy and I 'went to the bathroom'. I cloaked us both in shadows and she sent her serpent to slip around while we snuck around unseen. As long as we don't touch anyone, this is a really powerful trick and I am pretty sure it involves magical cheating and my path of Immortality. I care more about it working than how.

I can't keep it up nearly as long as Luna can, though. And I need people to not be looking.

Fluttershy naturally moves softly and quietly, so we easily snuck around, listening to conversations and her using her druidic magic to look for shapeshifters.

We found one. The records clerk is actually a doppleganger. Marcus is going to totally freak over this.

Then Slither came back and Fluttershy spoke to him. Her breath caught. "Apple Blossom is in the Ambassador's office."

Oh great, now I have to come up with some kind of plan very, very fast.

"Just her?" I asked.

I want to sneak in and spy but if this wears off and we're in his office... crap.

"And Pinkamena," Fluttershy said softly.

Dammit. "And her friends?"

"No sign of them," she said.

Distantly, I heard Rainbow Dash say, "I have a great love of riding stallions!" She sounded rather dreamy.

The clerk made an odd noise.

Oh Marcus, you just can't resist any kind of woman, I thought.

We crept up to where I could try and listen through the wall from another office.

"My understanding is that the four rhodolites are a sign of the now disbanded Older Gang," Pinkamena said smoothly with her usual grimness. "As you'd expect, they're all in an old age home in East Point now. Each of the rhodolites symbolized one of the gang members. Fire, Earth, Air, Water. The four elements, of course."

"Of course," the ambassador said. "Could it be their descendents?"

"It's possible but if so, this is their first job that anyone noticed their bragging symbol," Pinkamena said.

She was lying about something. I could recognize the signs. But I don't know why. Well, possibly some of her friends robbed the place. She does have four imaginary friends who aren't imaginary.

"I assure you, the Bronze Shanti will find out who did this," Apple Blossom said with her oddly elegant voice. "We do not appreciate unauthorized crime in our city." I have no idea what a Bronze Shanti is; some sort of gang she must control. "We will adhere to all past agreements, of course."

Oh hoh, so it has an alliance with Thyatis but now Apple Blossom and her allies have taken it over. Probably as part of their overall takeover plan.

I wonder if the doppleganger is hers. But none of us can... "Can you read minds?" I whispered to Fluttershy.

She shook her head. "Only non-sentients," she said softly.

I licked my lips thoughtfully, then rubbed my forehead.

Best to just listen and see what we can find out.

************

Still IVAN-O-VISION:

Unfortunately, we'd missed most of the conversation and Fluttershy and I had to come back before people thought we'd died in the bathroom or something. To my utter surprise, Dash hadn't blown our cover yet.

Thanks be to Asterius. And Luna. And anyone else who may have helped.

We slipped out and I told them what we'd learned. "The Bronze Shanti are based in the Ward of the Shell, wherever that is," I told them. "I expect I'll be sneaking around there tonight."

"Oooh, fighting Sindhi gangsters. Never done that, but it should be COOL," Rainbow Dash said.

"We shouldn't provoke them until your message is delivered, or it might cause an incident," High Dive said very seriously.

"Come on, don't you want to cut loose?" she said to him, gesticulating wildly as she talked.

"I am a soldier. We only cut loose off duty for fun," he said. "And I know you are dating Soarin'." He sounded kind of jealous.

"I hope he's okay and thinking of me," Dash said. "I think about him all the time." She sounded embarrassed.

Fluttershy patted her shoulder. "Love feels wonderful, I know."

"Have you ever had a boyfriend?" Dash said curiously.

"I dated one of my fellow druids during my training for a while," Fluttershy said. "Dancing Elk was very kind and gentle." She smiled brightly. "But he went to North Marech and I was sent to Ponyville." She sighed. "But it's better to love and lose than not love at all." She glanced at me for some reason. Not a secret crush reason but it must be something love related.

I don't know why.

An ornate carriage pulled by an Earth Pony wearing blue and red livery trundled down the street; an irritated man with coppery skin kept cracking a whip over the pony's head, but the blue and yellow pony just trundled along slowly, looking tired and bored. And a little jumpy. "Faster!" the man shouted.

"This street is too rough to go fast," the Pony protested. You couldn't see his cutie mark, unless it matched the glimmering silver sword embossed on the livery. I doubted it.

Rainbow Dash frowned as did High Dive. Fluttershy frowned even more and Slither hissed at the man, while I frowned deeply. Dammit. We can't afford to intervene but I hate watching this.

"If we have to stop and Kal-iya Ajith gets out, you'll regret being so picky," the man on the driving bench said. "You should be glad to have this job, Corn Husker."

The pony made a nervous noise. "Please, don't fire me. My wife is sick and my children too young to work."

I could hear Dash breathing hard. High Dive grimaced, but put a hand on her shoulder. Slither was wildly climbing all over Fluttershy as if trying to hide from it. And Fluttershy stared in horror, mouth wide open.

"Then MOVE FASTER," the man said, then looked at us. "What are you all staring at? This is none of your business."

"Are you trying to make him break his leg?" Rainbow Dash said. She pointed at the cobblestone road. "It looks pretty but it's irregular and not safe for high speeds. How's he supposed to pull the carriage if he hurts himself?"

Corn Husker stared at her in surprise, mouth wide open.

"Speed up!" a man shouted from inside the carriage. Kal-iya Ajith no doubt. Dammit.

"Don't worry, I'll be okay," Corn Husker said to Dash, making a gesture with his hoof which I think means 'don't press your luck', though I am only guessing. "Kal-iya Ajith will be very angry if I delay him any longer." He sounded rather drained and defeated.

Fluttershy started to speak, looked at her hands, then fell silent, still horrified.

I suddenly wondered how much that carriage weighs if an Earth Pony is actually tired from hauling it; it's not even dinner time so unless he's been pulling it since before dawn... Unless they made him skip lunch, maybe. Ponies who are working hard have to eat more, I think.

The carriage looked like ornate woods with silver and golden trim, shaped kind of like the top half of a pumpkin if you then put it on a board and put wheels under it. The silver sword motif was repeated.

This is where I wish I had the magic to make that thing break. But I have no talent for it, beyond the shadow trick Luna showed me.

I should steal the damn thing tonight but what would I do with it?

The driver said to Rainbow Dash, "Go back to Thyatis if you think you're in charge here, foreigner. With your stupid hair."

She stepped forward and High Dive pulled her back. "Pardon," he said. "My girlfriend is a little high strung. We'll just be moving on now."

"You'd best be moving on before Kal-iya Ajith decides to step out and make an example of you," the driver sneered at Rainbow Dash.

High Dive had to grapple her now and I decided we had best go before I snapped myself. This is the kind of thing I hate very much and I know I shouldn't do anything but I so want to rob this idiot and leave his carriage in flames.

A noble is a wolf on a horse, and wolves have to be shot to protect the farm.

Dammit.

"Kal-iya Ajith, you mean, mean person, come out of your carriage RIGHT THIS MINUTE," Fluttershy said, storming over.

Oh fuck. From what I've heard, if she gets this mad, it's basically apocalypse time.

The driver stared at her, mouth open wide.

Corn Husker stopped moving and stared at her, matching his expression.

"Who are you who dares to order ME, Kal-iya Ajith, to come forth?" the man inside shouted.

"I am Fillipa of Karameikos, a Druid of the Golden Ring!," Fluttershy said loudly. "Come forth and face divine judgement!"

"Fillipa," I said urgently. "We can't afford to get in trouble." Much as it hurts to let this bastard go.

"Yeah, Flipper, we have to avoid... avoid... dammit. GIVE THEM HELL!" Dash shouted.

The driver stopped the carriage. Corn Husker said, "No, no, no." He looked quite terrified.

Kal-iya Ajith came forth, a formidable looking man, tall and strong with tanned skin a little darker than mine, a thick moustache, shaped with butter or something like it, wearing expensive satin and silk robes in yellow and black. At his waist hung the silver sword he'd slapped on everything. It looked powerful, though not artifact level and I could probably buy my hometown if I had it.

"You have no right to challenge me," he said to Fluttershy. "Nor right to claim rank over me, for you do not follow our ways. And putting a snake around yourself hardly makes you a druid."

She began to sing and a cloud formed over his head. I pointed up and he looked, frowning and then lightning jabbed down all around him. Now he jumped.

Dammit, every whatever the magic people caste is called in the city probably felt that. We're going to have people swarming all over us in no time. But... I'm not getting near her when she's like this.

"I am a Druid of the Golden Circle and I will not stand by while you are cruel to one of your servants! You are a BAD, BAD boy," Fluttershy said, stepping closer and looking up into his eyes.

"You dare not pass... dare..." They locked gazes and the air crackled between them as Slither hissed angrily at him, curled around her arm and torso.

High Dive pulled Dash over by me. "Does this happen often?" he whispered urgently.

"No," Dash said. "But she's going to make him piss his pants." She sounded pleased by this.

I would be but now I'm worried we're going to get in more trouble.

People were starting to gather and stare and I could see someone run inside the Thyatian embassy.

Where Pinkamena and Apple Blossom are.

"FINISH HIM!" Dash shouted enthusiastically.

And then he broke and fell to his hands and knees, crying. "Enlightened master, I am sorry I dared to challenge you," he told her feet.

She patted his head. "It's okay. Now you're going to take poor Corn Husker home and pay to have his wife helped and make sure that his kids don't go hungry. It's a warrior's duty to protect the weak, not to exploit them."

"Yes, mistress," he mumbled.

Dash gave it a double thumbs up, then stared at her thumbs and laughed.

Once they were underway, I grabbed Fluttershy and we ran before anyone official showed up or the Elements came out.

But I expect they can figure out the rest if they don't already know.

Ack.

********************

Marcus-O-Vision Once More:

Baron Golden Star twitched at the news, then ran to his office. Oh boy.

Captain Keen Eyes said, frowning, "That was very noble and brave of you, Fluttershy."

She looked quite proud of herself. "I saved that poor hard-working pony and his family and taught him a lesson."

"But you may have caused a diplomatic incident which could get us thrown out of the country before you complete your mission, if they trace it to us," he continued, frowning.

Dammit. I agree with what Fluttershy did but also with the Captain... despite him being an asshole... about it risking blowing everything.

"Time for Ivan to be ponified and everyone else back to normal," Twilight said. "I..." She hesitated. "I would have done the same thing," she said softly. "But this does put us at more risk of mission failure, which could mean war. We can't afford to take any more chances like that."

"Well, only the lightning might be illegal, right?" Clyde said hesitantly. "Just mouthing off and staring is fair, I'd think."

"Mouthing off to a high caste person is a crime," Twilight said. "I will study the details later, or the Baron may know."

We were all milling around in the work zone.

High Dive said, "I'm sorry, sir." He saluted Captain Keen Eyes.

"You acted professionally," Captain Keen Eyes said. "Dash, never write checks with your mouth that you can't cash."

"I didn't write any checks!" she protested.

"You could have totally blown the mission," he said sternly.

"I didn't even DO anything," Dash protested. "Umm... how do I turn back to a pony?"

"It wears off after a few hours," I said.

Twilight concentrated and Dash and High Dive turned back to normal.

Fluttershy sighed. "I was starting to get good at this," she said mournfully, then turned back to pony form.

Her eyes widened.

"Eeeeee!!!!" She bolted off towards the part of the compound where our rooms are.

Rarity galloped after her. "I'll take care of her," she said.

"Well," Clyde said. "I guess we'd better hurry up before the law comes for us."

"I'm going to go see the ambassador," Twilight said. "I'll be right back."

Ivan got his potion out. "I only have a limited amount of this," he said.

"Save it until we're sure you'll need it," Captain Keen Eyes said, eyeing the bottle warily. "You ever been a pony before?"

"He went on a date with Princess Luna," Pinkie said cheerfully. "Does she kiss well?"

"It wasn't like that!," Ivan protested.

"Uh huh," I said. "You both even shapeshifted into the same race, you know."

"I was helping her cover!" Ivan protested.

And you made fun of me. HAH!

Captain Keen Eyes stared at Ivan in surprise, then said, "Alright then." His ears twitched. "Well, at least you didn't have the idiot with you."

"I'm right HERE," I said, annoyed.

"I trust Five Jacks High very much," Ivan said. "Even if he needs to remember the glass house he lives in. He would have kept out of trouble."

"Because he was scared," Captain Keen Eyes grumbled.

"Enough," Clyde said. "You can butt heads later. There's work to do. Now either get off my rocks or start digging," he said to both of us.

Captain Keen Eyes went to see the ambassador and I got down to digging.

***************

Eventually, it was time for dinner. The apocalypse hadn't happened yet, but this only made me more nervous. Clyde took me aside before dinner. "I understand you're some sort of shapeshifter?"

"I have been shapeshifted into this form as a disguise," I said ambiguously.

"Captain Keen Eyes, when not busy saying you are the source of all evil in this world, said you are a human," he continued, chewing on a piece of hay.

Dammit. Don't just tell everyone! Not that Clyde's likely to sell us out but the more who know the harder it is to hide. "Yes," I said. "My identity is a state secret."

He raised an eyebrow, then said, "Can you change people's shape?"

"If you really want to try being something else, we have candy but it only causes physical changes," I told him. "You don't gain that form's magic."

He looked at my horn and I said, "I'm a unicorn human when human. I have magic then too."

He sighed. "That's too bad."

Now I was curious. "What did you want to be?"

"My mother was a Pegasus. Surprise Pie," he said a little wistfully. "But father was an Earth Pony and I came out like him."

"Did she bomb dive people with pies?" I asked.

He blinked, looking surprised. "Yes, how did you know?"

Isn't it REALLY OBVIOUS? What sort of person names their pegasus child 'Surprise Pie' without teaching them to drop pies on people? Or them learning it themselves out of pure instinct?

"Just intuition," I told him. "So you'd like to see what being a pegasus is like?"

He looked around as if expecting someone to stop him. "Yes," he said softly.

"Well, you're in luck. Because if you want to fly, Twilight can hook you up. It's kind of tiring, but we're pretty much done for the day," I told him. "We'll have to make sure Captain Keen Eyes doesn't piss himself over it, though."

**************

Captain Keen Eyes insisted on Dash and five of the Pegasi going up. And posting Unicorn snipers. I don't think the air over the embassy is that dangerous but it was the price of him agreeing to it.

I helped Twilight cast it; we both then fell down on the grass and had to just watch what ensued. It wasn't quite what we expected. As we finished the spell, the energy suddenly changed, reconfiguring itself and energy shot through him. He howled and Twilight said, "No, stop, stop!" I could tell this wasn't right.

Him falling down howling wasn't part of it either and now we both tried to cancel the spell but it had a will of its own. On the sides of his torso, energy surged and then formed into wings which turned solid in the style of a pegasus. You could still see the magic inside them, inside him, his innate magics twisting around, and now winds kicked up around him, throwing dirt everywhere.

"Calm down, calm down!" Dash said, running over to him. The winds were picking up. "It's okay, it's just a spell," she said, then shot a worried look at us.

"I just wanted to put some extra juice in it to give him some extra time," Twilight mumbled, then stumbled into me. I felt weak myself.

Another of the Pegasi, Cloud Strider, who was off-white with a silver mane, rushed over, and Pinkie and Blinky both ran over as well, though the winds battered them.

Captain Keen Eyes said, "Can I assist you, Twilight?"

"And I, of course," Rarity said.

She drew on them for strength and recovered and the spell stabilized. Pinkie and Blinky soon calmed their father. His wings were brown like his coat, but tinged with purple at the tips of the feathers. His grey mane and tail had turned silver. He flapped his wings and rose off the ground, looked stunned, then smiled brighter than the sun at dawn. "Amazing. Don't go telling your mother, though."

Pinky laughed. "I'm sure she'd understand."

"She'd get pissed," Blinky said. "You know how she is."

"Mother loves us very much, even if she is strict. And there's nothing in the Works of Kagyar which forbids flight!" Pinkie said. "I read them ALL," she said proudly. The Works of Kagyar are the holy text of Kagyar worship.

As you probably guessed.

Blinky said, "You skimmed the chapter titles, maybe." She sounded very dubious.

"There's nothing," Clyde said. "But the wise man doesn't get in fights with his wife unless there's a point." He stretched his wings. "Lead me on, Dash."

"Oh yeah!" She took him soaring up into the air and the other Pegasi rose up and danced together in the sky. I was exhausted, lying on the grass with Twilight. Keen Eyes and Rarity plopped down next to us to watch, sitting sphinx style; we were just sprawled.

"Copter time!" Pinkie said; she'd taken her copter out of storage and assembled it. It doesn't fit through the opening of her saddlebags in one piece. "Come on, Blinky!"

"There isn't really room," Blinky said.

"We will SNUGGLE," Pinkie said and pulled her on, then took off into the sky to fly with them.

Blinky was soon screaming and setting a beat for the dance at the same time.

"Is Fluttershy okay?" I asked Rarity.

"She's okay," Rarity said. "Just a little embarrassed."

Captain Keen Eyes sighed. "She did a good thing but there are likely to be consequences."

There was a distant banging on the gate; the embassy had closed its doors for the night, but someone wanted in. Captain Keen Eyes sighed and cantered over to the gate where two of his Earth Ponies were having a conversation we couldn't hear; a Pegasus went in search of the Ambassador.

"I should do something," Twilight said.

"I advise you to lie here uselessly like me. We can pretend to be the Useless siblings," I told her.

"You made Mr. Pie very happy," Rarity said. "And Pinkie too. How long will it last?"

"I have to monitor it; I don't know. I'm not even sure why it did that instead of... It must be because he has pegasus ancestry," Twilight said. "I should consult the spell book. Spiiike."

Spike dug in her saddlebags and she started studying the book once he found it. "You need anything, Rarity?" he asked her.

"Could you be a dear and fetch us a small plate of those lettuce wraps?" she said. "I expect that Five Jacks High and Twilight need some food."

I just had dinner but I am RAVENOUS. "Oh PLEASE, Spike," I said urgently. "I would be grateful forever."

He snorted, but when Twilight said, "I could definitely go for Rarity's idea," Spike took off like a rocket.

The lettuce wraps had shredded vegetables, rice, and lettuce with garlic and a hint of saffron. So GOOD. I had to force myself not to just shovel them down my throat as fast as this pony mouth will eat them.

Which is fast.

One of the things I've noted is that ponies eat smaller meals than humans but more often. Smaller stomachs which digest slowly. So I have to be careful not to eat too much and make myself sick.

Captain Keen Eyes returned with an angry human druid with a golden torc and Baron Golden Star. The human had pale skin with a hint of red to it, dark brown eyes and long blond hair; he looked strong and he also looked ready to smack someone.

"I am Ral-iya Devdas," he said, arms folded across his chest. "Some of your ponies ravaged my grove."

He stared right at me.

"But I don't have any ponies," I said, confused. "Nor would I send any ponies to ravage your shrine. I don't even know where the druidic grove is in this city."

"You know I am a druid without me saying it!" he said angrily.

I managed to flop up to a sort of upright position and clumsily pointed at his belt. "Torc means druid," I said.

Fluttershy now peeked out of the building we sleep in. She saw Ral-iya Devdas and her eyes got wide.

Baron Golden Star said, "I am quite sure he was here the whole time; we have a lot of witnesses."

"I swear, I have no reason to wreck your shrine."

"You and your people painted moons all over it and proclaimed the glories of Princess Luna, whoever she is!" Ral-iya Devdas said angrily.

Fluttershy tried to hide but her snake began dragging her along as she yelped.

Ral-iya Devdas turned, saw her, and frowned. She looked like she wanted to die and hid her face with her wings. "She is a druid of the Golden Circle?" he said, displeased.

"She is a very fine druid but she is shy," Rarity said, then rose and cantered over to Fluttershy, talking to her quietly.

Crap; he may put two and two together... "Can't you do a truth ritual or something? I'll happily let you check my answer."

"We could do that," he said reluctantly. Clearly he fears to be proven wrong.

"Oooh, I'd like to see that," Twilight said, sitting up. "I'm sure Fluttershy could assist you."

I touched her mind with a spell. 'Twilight, this probably means that evil-me has been ponified and is busy leading Luna cultist raiders. They must be behind the cult. Maybe trying to convince the Sindhi that they have to invade Equestria before Luna finishes her 'plan of conquest' or some such rot.'

I could see Ivan coming. I did the spell again. 'Ivan, please don't rant about Luna's innocence to the man we're trying to mollify.'

Ivan grimaced but stayed back for now. Thanks, Ivan.

Fluttershy now came over, her snake marching alongside her through the grass and dirt. "Hail, Ral-iya Devdas, Druid of the Golden Circle. I am Fluttershy, Equestrian Druid of the Golden Circle. Rarity said someone wrecked your grove?" She frowned.

"Yes, and he was the leader," he said, pointing at me.

"He's never been out of the sight of one of us all day, except in the bathroom," Fluttershy said. She couldn't quite look Ral-iya Devdas in the eyes. "We should do the Rite of Truth if you will not accept my word."

"Let it be done," he said.

Ahaha. I laughed nervously. Let's hope this doesn't shapeshift me or set me on fire or something.

****************

This involved going to a corner of the torn up gardens and drawing a fancy rune in the dirt. He and Fluttershy sang and white chrysanthemums flowered at the corners of it. I stood in the middle nervously, feeling the magic flow around me.

The pegasi were still in the air with Clyde, Pinkie, and Blinky, but everyone else was watching this either curiously or nervously. Rarity had the sort of calm which always hides nervousness. Captain Keen Eyes, on the other hand, clearly enjoyed my discomfort.

Fluttershy and Ral-iya Devdas sang in unison, voices perfectly matched, and his usual glower faded as he lost himself in what he was doing. He doesn't look bad at all when he's not pissed off.

I felt the magic settle into me and he said, "I am Ral-iya Devdas." Green light flowed out of him into the rune and it lit up.

"I am Fluttershy," Fluttershy said and more light flowed from her into it. The light shone up around me, forming a tracery of power.

And then it lanced into my brain and I jumped.

"Identify yourself," Ral-iya Devdas said somberly.

"I am Five Jacks High, agent of Celestia," I said. That part I intended. "I walk the road of the Polymath under hers and Luna's guidance," I continued. THAT WAS NOT EVEN NECESSARY. Ack!

He started, then stared at me. "That certainly can't be true."

Captain Keen Eyes whispered to Twilight, who whispered back, then he frowned.

"I have lived many lives and been reborn many times," I continued.

"Did you raid his grove?" Fluttershy asked me.

"No, I did not raid his grove. I have never seen or heard of him before tonight," I told them.

"You may ask a question," Ral-iya Devdas said reluctantly.

"Do you always rush off to judgement without thinking it through?" I said irritably.

He grimaced and then said, "It is a frequent problem of mine." Now he looked VERY aggravated.

Oh hoh ho, it binds us all. But he probably doesn't know anything useful.

"Have you committed any crimes in Sind at all?" Ral-iya Devdas asked, frowning.

"I am innocent of all but malice," I told him. I love that line. I got it from a book.

Fluttershy said, "Have you caused any trouble at all for Ral-iya Devdas?"

"No, other than making him embarrass himself," I said. "Devdas," I began.

"Ral-iya Devdas," he insisted.

"Ral-iya Devdas, did you have any other reasons to come looking for me beyond thinking I trashed your shrine?" I asked.

"No. Do you know anything about the attack on the shrine?" he asked.

I wonder how many questions we all get. And dammit, I didn't want that question.

"I have an evil twin named Sammy who probably impersonated me," I told him. "But that's only a guess."

"Umm... do you like Slither?" Fluttershy said, clearly out of good ideas.

"Snakes make me nervous ever since the incident on the Isle of Dread. Stupid Yuan-ti," I said, laughing nervously.

Fluttershy looked disappointed. Dammit! Telling people what they want to hear is IMPORTANT.

"Ral-iya Devdas, what is it going to take for me to get you to go away and stop bothering me?" I asked him.

He grimaced. "The ritual is over. I neither like nor trust you, but the rite was true. I will go."

Thank the Immortals.

The energy faded.

"But I will have my eye on you. You reek of deceit," he told me angrily. "Where did this clone come from?"

"I don't trust you enough to tell you that," I told him as the energy faded. "And that's no lie."

Now he looked really offended. "We shall see which one of us proves true. I will have my eye on you." And then he stormed off.

"Well, he's not a shifter," Twilight said.

"Just an ass in the form of a man," I muttered.

"He had good reason to worry," Fluttershy said. "But he was very rude." She sighed.

"Why not tell him about the Elements?" Applejack said, frowning.

"Because we don't know who he is connected to. I should have thought to ask useful things but he pissed me off and I wasted my questions snarking." I sighed. "Sorry."

"His ill manners were enough to make anyone unhappy," Rarity said. "Feeling better, Fluttershy?"

"A little," she said, cuddling Slither, who now calmed down. "I wish Angel was here too, though. And my other friends. There's no animals here and you can't cuddle plants." She sighed.

So Rarity cuddled her until she smiled and I flopped down in the grass wondering what was going to blow up next.

Still, that could have been MUCH worse.

**************

Fluttershy took me aside before bed. We sat on a patch of grass which was one of the bits of greenery not destroyed for the improvised rock farm. "I... was I acting strange? Fillipa me, that is?" she said hesitantly.

"Well, you were bolder, but you still had the same interests and... you did kind of slap down that warrior, which surprised me a lot," I told her.

She sighed. "I lost myself again." She buried her face in her hooves. "I really like Slither but... now I'm so embarrassed. Why can't I turn into other things and still be me like other druids?" She looked really frustrated.

"Is it easier for you to change than other druids?" I said with a vague idea.

"Yes," she said.

"Well, I think maybe your tie to animals means you don't hold back as much as other druids," I told her. "Now I wonder if maybe you could actually use the special abilities of things because of that."

"It's risky to test, since I might lose myself and go on a rampage," she said, then studied an ant slowly making its way through the grass.

"You probably could actually challenge the head druid in human form, though," I mused.

"I have to be able to do it as me," she said. "I'm mostly content with my rank. I just want to shapeshift properly." She sighed. "It wasn't as bad because humans aren't as different from us as I thought. Some parts were really strange," she said. "But I guess being a pony is strange to you too, right?" she said hesitantly.

"It's very strange," I told her. "The way I can smell people, the way my body moves, what I want to eat, all that."

"Have... ahaha..." She turned red. "I shouldn't get so embarrassed," she told the ant.

"No, not yet. I'm not that comfortable," I told her. Plus, I know her father would walk in and kill me dead.

"I'm sure he wouldn't... kill you much," she said quickly.

Dammit, externalizing my monologue AGAIN.

"When I was human, I missed being able to smell everyone; it's so much harder to tell how everyone feels when you're human," she said, sighing.

"I'm good at telling," I told her. "When I don't get all bitchy. Like with that idiot druid."

"He just wanted to protect his grove," she said a little chidingly.

Slither encircled her and she stroked his head gently as he made happy snake noises. "Everyone looked at me oddly when I was cuddling Slither while human," she said hesitantly.

"There's something about female snake-charmers which makes a man's brain spin," I told her. "Especially because you were so utterly fearless."

"Fearless? Me?" she said, stunned.

"I know the feeling," I mumbled.

"You're brave, you just complain about having to be brave," she said kindly. "So are you enjoying being a pony?"

"I wouldn't want to do it all the time, but I think that a person can get used to anything," I told her. "I can handle it the rest of this trip, though if someone is impersonating me, this identity isn't going to be much use either." I frowned.

"Well, if you ever have any questions, I'll be glad to help," she told me, then sighed. "I don't know if I should try it again for the meeting."

"Fall down seven times, get up eight," I told her. "They say that in Ochelea, I think. If you keep trying, you will learn how to do it."

"Ahahahah!" I heard Clyde laughing. He was still flying with Dash and two other pegasi.

I was too tired and too far to tell if the spell was wearing off or not. Surely Twilight couldn't permanently turn him into a pegasus. Even to do it temporarily... She is the Element of Magic.

She rose. "I'm going to go fly with them for a while."

"Keep an eye on him. Assuming Twilight hasn't changed him forever, then he will eventually lose those wings," I told her. I yawned. "I have to sleep. And probably he should come down soon and sleep anyway."

"More sugar, Blinky, to fuel my legs!" Pinkie shouted in the darkness above.

"Dammit, Pinkie, you already ate enough for three people!" Blinky shouted.

"Bang a drum, give me the sugar gum!" Pinkie commanded.

What?

Definitely time for bed. "Goodnight, Fluttershy."

"Goodnight, Five Jacks High."

I went to bed.

***************

Clyde was still a pegasus in the morning and everyone was boggling. Twilight looked a little spooked all morning but by lunch, was back to normal. We just worked like dogs all day.

By evening, it was clear we were getting results, though Twilight, Rarity, and I were practically zombies. I stumbled into bed and slept deeply.

"I did some more poking around," Ivan announced at breakfast. "There's dopplegangers hidden in the Darokin, Five Shires, and Karameikan embassies but none of the others."

"You went on your own?" I said. "That's dangerous."

"I am very sneaky now," he said. "And I have these." He jangled the lockpicks.

Captain Keen Eyes said, "You could have at least told us."

"You might have stopped me," he said, grinning.

Ahahah.

"I'll try poking around the Radhirajah's place tonight," Ivan said. "See if he's got any surprise fun on his staff."

"I can't let you go alone," Captain Keen Eyes said.

I can't deny he takes guarding us seriously.

"I can sneak MUCH easier on my own," Ivan said.

"He'll just sneak away from your guards," I told Captain Keen Eyes, who grimaced at me. "But really, you should take someone," I told Ivan. "I don't think I can sneak well like this or I'd go with you."

The magical instincts don't cover hiding, unfortunately.

"I will go," Twilight said. "I can shrink myself and ride in your pocket. And I can spot shapeshifters. We need to know in advance."

"Celestia will not be happy if I let you go into danger without a guard," Captain Keen Eyes said urgently.

"I trust Ivan to protect me and I can teleport us out," Twilight continued.

o/~ My little pocket pony

o/~ Whever I go, she goes.

o/~ My little pocket pony

o/~ Helps me with what she knows.

o/~ My little pocket pony

o/~ Has a cute little nose.

It was, of course, Pinky.

"I don't need a theme song," Twilight said to her urgently, looking a little embarrassed.

"Sure you do! Oh man, I have to write one for Dad now that he can fly!," Pinkie said. She got paper and began scribbling furiously with a quill pen in her mouth.

"Take High Dive with you. He's good at stealth," Captain Keen Eyes said to Ivan. "And he can fly you two out if teleports are blocked, which I know I would do if I had a palace and ruled an entire country and there were thousands of potential assassins with teleport spells. Which there are."

"True," Twilight said, then looked at Ivan.

"Fine," Ivan said. "You don't trust me to handle myself. He can come." He looked pretty irritated.

"I'm sure Ivan will be fine with just him and Twilight," I said. I do think that AND I need to back up Ivan.

Twilight looked rather uncomfortable being caught in the middle of this.

"Rocket Dad, taking off at the speed of light... no, doesn't work," Pinkie mumbled as she kept writing.

"Going solo is rarely wise," Blinky said very seriously to Ivan. "One should always work with at least one partner. It means that ideally, you'll cover each other's back and counter each other's worst ideas while covering each other's weaknesses. The quest for individual glory ends always in disaster. Teamwork is the key to success, Kagyar teaches. Plus, Twilight can shrink him too, so he won't make much noise."

Ivan blinked, then looked at Blinky.

"Yeah, going solo's for arrogant pegasi, not that I know any," Applejack said.

"Hey!" Dash said. "I'm not arrogant! I'm just THE BEST."

Ivan and Blinky looked at each other in a way that I'd almost think was a mind-touch spell, but since neither of them can cast spells, I doubt it. Though Ivan might have some trinket. I tend to love gold, jewels, jewelry and other things I can spend on luxuries. Ivan loves magical widgets.

"So you're saying you want to come too," he said softly to Blinky.

What?

Blinky's eyes got wide. "I just...Well, I mean... if you want me to." She laughed nervously.

"No, it's too dangerous!" Pinkie said, pouncing on Blinky to my surprise. "I couldn't stand it if you got hurt." She sounded quite worried.

"I am an adult pony and I can take care of myself," Blinky said fiercely to her sister. "Do you think I like watching you do the insane things you do?"

"Yes, but I can only hurt me if I do something crazy," Pinky said. "I'm going to worry about you all night now."

"Now you know how it feels," Blinky muttered, but hugged her.

Captain Keen Eyes looked over at Clyde. "You're going to let her do this?" he said in surprise.

"She's a grown pony. I'd go myself, but they already got a pegasus. HAH!" He flapped his wings and looked pleased with himself. "Eventually, kids leave the nest and you have to let them fly free." He looked at Dash.

Dash nodded.

What?

Rarity made a happy noise and pushed her hair back, looking pleased.

"Rarity, I'm going to need more pockets," Ivan said to her.

Rarity smiled. "Of course, darling. Come with me and we'll get you suited up properly."

"Be careful," Pinkie said to Blinky.

Blinky fell down and began rolling around, laughing.

"I'm serious! Be careful!" Pinkie said.

Blinky crashed into her father's legs, bounced off and rolled into Pinkie. "AHAHAHAHAHAH!"

"Don't pick the one time I can't laugh to start laughing more than me!" Pinkie said frantically.

Now I laughed and soon everyone was laughing.

Pinkie finally gave into the mood and laughed herself. "I just want you to be safe. You're not used to a life of adventure, Blinky. You always worked hard so you could run the farm one day. You'll be a very good farm boss one day." She patted her sister's side as her sister lay at her feet. "I am proud of you."

"Thanks, sister," Blinky said and rose. "Hmm, maybe we should wear masks or something."

"We can make disguises later," Twilight said.

They'd better be REAL disguises and not the kind of cheesy thing Don Diego does.

*************

Rarity helped make the disguises, along with Spike. What did this mean?

It meant all four of them had full body black clothing, a top hat, a moustache, and a comedy mask in gold. (With the moustache on the mask, yes.) And black capes with a red lining.

Then Twilight shrank herself and the other two going on the raid: Twilight rode in Ivan's shirt pocket, High Dive got put into a jacket pocket and Blinky into the other jacket pocket. (The jacket used to have no pockets.)

Twilight looked ridiculously cute sticking up out of the shirt pocket, forelegs over the edge of it and dangling down. Blinky had to struggle for a bit to get herself positioned the same way but High Dive did it easily. He saluted Captain Keen Eyes, who saluted back. "Good luck," Captain Keen Eyes said.

"Thanks," Ivan said. "Don't worry, it will be fine." Then he looked thoughtful. "Dash."

Dash saluted, then laughed. "Yes?"

"I need you to stage a fake drunken brawl with someone in the sky over the city near the palace. Just enough to draw attention," he said. "Captain, she'll need one of your men to brawl with. Keep it in the sky so there's no damage and we don't get in trouble."

"You are asking me to get drunk and get in a fight with someone," Dash said slowly.

"Well, umm, yes, but you only need to fake getting drunk," Ivan said.

"WHISKEY FUELED VIOLENCE HERE I COME!" Dash shouted, heading for the wine cellar.

Ahahah.

"Fake it!" Captain Keen Eyes shouted, running after her.

"The best lie is the TRUTH!" Dash shouted and vanished out of sight into one of the buildings.

Ahahahahahaha.

**************

Right as they left, all the pegasi jumped, except Clyde who looked confused, THEN jumped when he saw the others do it. I couldn't help but laugh a little. "What was that?" he said.

"Storm's coming," one of the soldier Pegasi said.

"Storms only happen when rain is scheduled, here in Sayr Ulan. The oasis can make only modest amounts of rain by itself, so they deliberately shape storms and haul them here every so often," Baron Golden Star said. "Most of Sind has freaky random weather, but one nice thing about being posted here is the controlled climate inside the oasis."

It reminds me of Ylarum City; Ylarum City is inside an oasis surrounded by desert and has climate control. The Ylari want to terraform their country green and the oases are the start of this. A lot of pegasi get paid very well to come help them. Most of Ylarum is very pony-friendly, though Abbashan in the east tends to try to force any resident ponies to convert to the Eternal Truth, the state religion.

"And there's not one scheduled?" Applejack said, frowning.

"I would be... or at least SHOULD be notified," Baron Golden Star said.

Captain Keen Eyes frowned. "Sandwich."

What kind of cruel parent names their child Sandwich?

Sandwich was dark grey with a neon green mane; his cutie mark was a six layered sandwich. "Yes, sir!" he said eagerly.

"Take your five men and check out the storm," he said. "Baron, how do we consult the authorities?"

"I'll send a runner," he said.

"Fluttershy, could this be Dragonfly's work?" I asked her.

"Entirely possible," Fluttershy said. "I'll go with them."

The rest of us got ready for any trouble.

****************

The storm hit, dumping huge amounts of rain as we all took shelter inside, played cards and watched the rain while fretting. I had just tossed the Six of Stones and the Five of Flames (I still had the Three of Stones, Three of Flames, and Three of Shadows), when Baron Golden Star entered the lounge we were in, just as Clyde carefully tossed out the Ten of Flames and the Jack of Waves. Does he have a three of a kind too?

"The storm is unscheduled and Fluttershy and my men will assist the Radhirajah's people in moderating it. It's been decided a little extra rain would not hurt as long as it is less intense," Baron Golden Star told us. "I am pleased by this shining example of cooperation between our people and Sind, and I hope your visit to him will go as smoothly." HIIIINNNNT.

We get it.

"Sir, outside, look!" an aide said, running in.

We all went out to look, huddling on the porch where we had a roof.

Through the rain, you could see the moon. Luna's face looked down from it, though now it began to fade.

Was she scrying or was this a trick of the cult?

I assume a trick as it does kind of give the game away.

"Spike, send Luna a letter about this," Rarity said.

She dictated a letter and he sent it. "I hope Twilight is okay," he said.

I felt a sudden large spike of magic and everypony... every unicorn pony... turned their head towards the palace. Oh bloody hell.

"Okay, we're on alert," Captain Keen Eyes said and began disposing everyone to battle positions. I followed along; this IS his kind of situation. Best we be ready.

And then nothing but rain happened as we all became more and more jumpy. Clyde watched the rain stolidly, looking bored if anything.

The wind shifted and for a moment, I smelled something... it made me feel a burst of panic. I didn't even know why. "Rarity, can you smell it?" I asked.

She sniffed the wind. "Something dangerous but I don't know it. I just..." She frowned. "It smells of predator."

Spike sniffed the air. "And garlic."

Thanks, Spike, I'm sure evil garlic comes for us now.

Pinkie paced around her stack of battle-ready pies agitatedly. "Blinky," she mumbled.

"Blinky's fine. Have some trust in your sister," Clyde said. "She is an Earth Pony and Earth Ponies endure. I trust each and every one of my daughters to make their own choices and do the right thing." He chewed on his usual piece of hay. "It didn't come easy to me, but I've learned you have to do that or go crazy."

We heard the sound of a stampede on the street. One of the sniper unicorns, holed up in a crow's nest the soldiers had built on the roof of one of the buildings, reported, "Sir, the squad of cavalry which normally guards the custom house is bolting towards the palace."

"We have to do something!" Pinkie said.

"We hold our ground," Clyde said to her. "We don't know if this is any of our business."

"But Father, she could be hurt! She could be..."

"Dig in your hooves," he said sternly.

"But..."

"Dig in your hooves," he barked.

She jumped and then got into a kind of stance where she dug in her hooves and braced herself.

He sighed. "I'm sorry. Just calm down, Pinkie. Don't go finding things to worry about that haven't happened yet like your mother does."

"Blinky's just a..."

"She's grown up now," her father said, then sighed. "Of course, we don't see you enough for it to really sink in."

HIIIIINTTTTT.

"Oh wait, I bet the 'drunken brawl' is what drew those cavalry," I said. "Maybe it's just the diversion."

"Well, they had bows, but I would hope they wouldn't respond to two people having a drunken fist fight with three lances of cavalry," Captain Keen Eyes said, frowning.

"Sir, a pair of Elves have hijacked a wagon and are being chased by two more wagons of..." Magical darkness now rushed over everything.

Bloody hell.

I made my horn glow; I could see the region around me but not any of the other unicorns.

I could hear Clyde banging his hoof on the ground. "Everyone tap your hoof," he said.

Hooves tapped all over. We began regrouping more tightly in the darkness and then the darkness faded away. The chase was gone and now the cavalry went past us.

By the time we were all ready to go crazy, Ivan and company suddenly stepped out from behind one of the buildings inside the compound. "Hey guys, any idea what the big magic spike was?"

"It wasn't you?" I said.

Tiny-Twilight said, "It came from the area where the organized crime group is. I think they got robbed."

Man, those two elves were either very brave or very insane.

Maybe both.

"What did you find out?" Captain Keen Eyes asked.

"We fingered seven dopplegangers inside the palace staff," Twilight said. "One of them was talking to Niccolo Aurelianus," she continued.

Ivan grimaced. "Sell out," he said grimly.

"Did you see the giant Luna face on the moon?" I asked.

Ivan stared. "What?"

Twilight's mouth dropped open.

"Blinky!" Pinkie said, snatching her up and hugging her tiny-sister.

"I'm just FINE," Blinky said. "Except Ivan's pockets smell like leather."

"They're made of leather, darling," Rarity said. "It is somewhat inevitable they will, in fact, smell like leather." She sounded a little offended.

"I'm not a cat, I don't need to be petted," Blinky grumbled as Pinkie petted her.

"You're so CUTE like this," Pinkie said excitedly. "My little pony sister!"

High Dive flew out of the pocket and over to report to Captain Keen Eyes.

Twilight smiled at Pinkie and Blinky, then said, "Tell me about this Luna on the Moon thing."

We told her what little we knew.

Someone was at the gate; it turned out to be the Darokinian ambassador, Madeline Umbarth. She was a stout woman, well dressed with dark black hair and vivid orange eyes, which surprised me. Humans don't normally have orange eyes. She and Baron Golden Star went off to talk, while her guards lounged about, talking to the staff; clearly they came here often.

A letter now appeared by Spike, from Luna.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Spike and Friends,

That was not me and it was a local effect. I have alerted certain authorities just to be sure. But my current evidence indicates it was a localized illusion. I have included a second letter for you to give to the Radhirajah's with Celestia's letter.

If anyone knows who is powering the 'Luna cult' here, they are not talking but I suspect it's Marjorie. Keep your eyes open. I have included an amulet I would like Twilight to wear; it will indicate if any other Immortal's power is being used near her and transmit the information to me. I have also included a ring I would like Ivan to wear of a similar nature.

Please give my best wishes to Pinkie's father and sister and thank them for assisting you. Celestia and I are always pleased by the kind and generous nature of our Ponies. They are an inspiration to all Equestrians.

Should I learn anything else of relevance, I will inform you.

Your friend and monarch,

Princess Luna of Equestria

PS: Tell Applejack and Rarity that their sisters and their friends are building a truly magnificient tree house which makes me regret I am too old to play in it. It may well be the best treehouse ever.

PPS: Lyra asked me to tell Marcus that she will soon have the script ready for him to start memorizing.

PPPS: Sweetie says she misses her sister and big brother and father, but having her mother here is very nice.

PPPPS: Celestia said things I am not going to repeat; she can send her own letter if she wants to tease someone. I love you all and good luck.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ahaha.

A letter fell on my head.

AHAHAHAHA.

Everyone turned and looked at me. "I'll read it later," I mumbled.

Rarity said, "You don't have to read it out loud, darling. I'm sure she only teases you because she likes you." She now pulled out her thimbles and gave me a gentle back rub. Oh yes that feels good.

I licked my lips nervously. "Okay."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Five Jacks High,

Please laugh nervously and twitch so Luna never finds out I didn't actually tease you in this letter.

Please tell Twilight I will be sending her a copy of Moon Magics, once the librarians track it down.

That is all; good luck on your mission and please fake freaking out a little so I can keep my cover up. You are such a dear.

Your friend and mentor,

Princess Celestia.

PS: Our first boy should be named Far Runner, I think. I know you'll train him well.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I laughed nervously, then said, "Celestia is going to have a book sent to you, Twilight. Which may help with the crisis. On Moon Magic."

"Ooooh," Tiny-Twilight said, then turned herself and the other two back to normal. "Let's get some sleep. Tomorrow, we SPRING OUR TRAP!"

Let's hope it works.

************

We cleaned up the garden, and we'd sent announcements everywhere stating that 'fine Equestrian Jewels' would be on display today. Hopefully, Clarity will walk into our trap.

Then we all hid and/or disguised ourselves. Twilight and I were up with some of the unicorns in a large hunting blind we'd set up on the roof, designed to look like a tower... okay, it basically WAS a tower.

She glanced at me, then said, "I... Five Jacks High..."

I tried to subtly point to the other unicorns up here. Two of whom were eyeing her when they were SUPPOSED to be watching for trouble. This vastly annoyed me.

She touched her horn to mine. This makes mind-touch spells much easier, not that she really needs 'easier'. 'I want to be friends,' she said firmly. 'Like we used to be before I messed it up.'

'It was MY fault, not yours,' I told her. 'You tried to be honest with your feelings and I ran screaming. I want to make it up to you. However you feel is right.'

One of the unicorns was giving me the evil eye and I don't even know why. He has a name... dammit, I should know all their names by now.

'I will figure something out. Anything like that has to wait until we are done here,' she said.

'Agreed,' I said. 'Maybe I could do some research for you when we are done here.'

'Hmm, we could finish that project we started together before... then,' she said thoughtfully.

'Sure. But which one?'

We both laughed nervously. We'd started a half dozen projects and then I'd run for the hills. We kept seeing things that hadn't been figured out yet and then we'd see another one and...

Stupid beholder.

'I really have to find some way to get Spike to unhate me,' I told her. 'It's not healthy for him to hang on forever to his crush on Rarity.'

'I know,' she said. 'We can figure it out later.'

Spike was downstairs with Rarity, watching over the gems. So was Applejack. I had insisted that since we two were apparently the only people on this planet not easily fooled by disguises, she would watch the gems on display and I would watch guests come in.

"We have more people, or are you two busy making out?" one of the unicorns, brown coated and blue maned with a silver star in a circle as his cutie mark, said irritably. His name is Far Caller and he summons things.

"I totally would never, ever, ever steal Rarity's coltfriend however... AT ALL," Twilight said frantically.

"I would not cheat on my girlfriend, the best unicorn in the world!" I said angrily.

"Then PAY ATTENTION," he said. The other unicorns seemed to agree with him.

Bastards.

That being said, I now turned to watch. It was a group of Sindhi nobles. I sighed.

"Look at her," Twilight said, pointing to a brunette with long hair up in a bun, fanning herself with a fan painted with yellow crysanthemums. "She's shapeshifted, but is not a doppleganger."

"It could be Clarity," I said. She had three strong men with her of the warrior caste; she had the caste mark of the warriors as well, but that could just mean she was the daughter of one or married to one.

"No horn," one of the Unicorns said. "Doesn't the horn of a unicorn usually persist?"

I looked at Twilight.

"Not universally but in many cases, yes," Twilight said. "If my evil twin did this, the horn would show. But Clarity's hair may be another color if she thought to change it."

"Hmm, you could probably design a hat which would fit over a horn and hide it, right?" I said. "Given the sparse number of wealthy Ponies here, she might well get Dawn Gleaming to turn her human and put on a hat to hide her horn. Assuming she doesn't just sneak in. As we don't know if she's very stealthy."

"Or she may be shrunken and hidden in a pocket," Twilight said.

"Unless she uses magic, we couldn't likely find her then," one of the unicorns said, frowning.

I peered out the window; more Sindhi coming in. Too many with various kinds of hats. Bah.

I mean, I like hats, but... Aaargh, hats have turned against me!

This made me feel kind of depressed, though touching my own hat made me feel a little better.

Then I spotted a surprise. Corn Husker and his family. I'm surprised he got the day off. I hope this doesn't mean he got fired. But they seemed too... they were all VERY nervous but not unhappy like you'd expect if he lost his job.

A lot of the Sindhi coming in frowned at them and we all frowned down at them. This IS the Equestrian embassy you know. Punks.

I wish I could do something for them. They deserve better than the kind of life they have to live. But I don't really know what I could do; I can't exactly change how this country works just by wanting it.

Dammit. I felt very frustrated.

Several Glantrians now came in; you could tell because they were all from New Averoigne; there's a distinctive style of dress, and they all favored the kind of flat, floppy hat popular there. One of them could pull off a beret, but most of them... no.

I'd talk to them about buying Rarity one but you need MUCH flatter hair than hers for it to work... Dash or Twilight might be able to pull it, though.

Or Applejack but it wouldn't suit her.

She came out now, all frou-froued up as she put it, wearing a fancy dress and her hair piled up. I wondered again why the Glantrians were talking to Corn Husker and looking at his young daughter; like him, the whole family were Earth Ponies. The daughter had a blue coat and short yellow mane like her father. She also had the caste marks on her cheeks, which made me grimace. They all did.

One of the Glantrians kneeled by her and held out a gem. She put her hoof on it, closed her eyes, and concentrated hard. The gem began to fitfully pulse with light and her whole family stared, eyes wide.

Then there was a flash of light and a book appeared on her previous blank flank. Applejack had joined them now and she was staring. The daughter was clearly stunned.

The Glantrian shook her hoof, then put the gem in his pocket and began speaking excitedly with Corn Husker.

There are a few Earth Ponies who get into Wizardry, since that or being a Bard is the only way they can weild Arcane Magic to my knowledge. But it's very hard for them. Like Dwarves, they don't take to it easily and their innate magic flows other directions.

"I have to talk to her," Twilight said.

I put a paw... hoof. A hoof on her. "We have to stay in our stations."

"But she..."

"Applejack's talking to her. None of us can recognize incoming shifters but you," I told her.

She sighed.

"Duty comes first," one of the Unicorns said. "Even when it isn't easy."

Corn Husker and his family now went inside with the Glantrians and Applejack all talking to them at once; Captain Keen Eyes now came out and joined the conversation; he looked a little stunned.

Whatever her name is, she's found her ticket out of this town and her family's fate.

An Earth Pony with a wizardry Cutie Mark. Hopefully a good sign and not one that unlikely yet disastrous things will soon happen.

Ahahaha.

Then it hit me. "Did we ever find out what made the storm?" I asked.

"Arcane magic and weatherpony power," Twilight said, frowning.

"Maybe it was a diversion for something the Elements of Power got up to?" I said. "We never did find an answer for what the magic surge was."

"Makes sense," Twilight said, then frowned. "Doppleganger," she said, pointing to a halfling who entered with a half dozen others.

One of the Unicorns grimaced. "Why bother turning into a halfling?"

"Halflings are hard working people who don't go bad-mouthing other people for existing," I snapped at him. Having BEEN one, I felt the urge to defend them. "Do you want to act like the snotty people here who think Ponies are inherently inferior?"

That shut his mouth. Punk.

We kept watching; if Clarity was here, she was being subtle. Though she might come back tonight; too many witnesses.

The shapeshifted woman... she worried me.

"Twilight, this will sound stupid, probably but do you have a spell to detect gangsters?" I said.

"Why would I... OH," she said. "Except for mind-reading, I don't think there's a good magical way to determine profession like that. Or at least, I don't have a spell for it with me."

"There's probably some sort of gang mark or sign," one of the Unicorns said. "Right?"

"Yes," I said. "But we have no clue what it is."

"Wait, we do have a clue. The group is the 'Bronze Shanti'. Ergo, something bronze will be their sign," Twilight said. "Shanti..." She frowned. "I... oh wait, I should have a dictionary!"

She dug through it, then said, "Inner Peace? That can't be right."

"Maybe it's sarcasm," one of the Unicorns said.

"Maybe it's a reference to some philosophy where you rise through ranks known as Shanti? With Bronze as one of the lower ones?" another speculated.

We continued speculating as we watched the guests come in.

*************

If Clarity was there, she didn't show herself, but I came down to check in with those below and to keep an eye on the shapeshifted woman. Ivan was talking excitedly with Corn Husker and his family, at the same time the Glantrians were talking to them also. Understandably, he looked a little overwhelmed.

Ivan looked like a Northman; he'd taken some of his potion to disguise himself since someone might come in who would recognize him from the duel incident. A wise precaution, I see.

"Any news, Ivan?" I asked him.

He subtly gestured at the shapeshifted woman. I nodded to him.

"I was telling them about having met Princess Luna and Celestia," he said to me.

Corn Husker said, "Is she as kind as they say?" He sounded nervous which I suspect is his natural state.

"Yes," Ivan said. "She is kind and gentle. And very hard working, as you'd expect of an Earth Pony."

"She's not an Earth Pony," Corn Husker said. "She is higher, she is an alicorn, a goddess. An Immortal."

"She is," Ivan said. "Earth Pony, Pegasus and Unicorn all at once. And the Immortals were hu... mortals once," he continued.

I grinned a little.

Corn Husker started to say something, then sagged; his wife and daughter were talking to the Glantrians; his daughter looked THRILLED by her good luck.

"It's weird, I got this... thrill when I stepped inside. I could feel something, from up above," the daughter said. "I'd always hoped, but I knew Earth Ponies couldn't do magic. Not so easily as Unicorns, anyway. And I'd never get a chance to study and learn here." She sighed. But then she smiled. "But now I can! I'm going to be a wizard!"

"You should talk to Twilight before you go," I told her. "Oh, I'm Five Jacks High, one of Celestia's agents. Ivan here is my usual partner in getting in trouble."

"They're good at it," Applejack said, then laughed.

I laughed nervously. "Well, yes."

Everyone laughed now, even Corn Husker.

"You are very fortunate," Corn Husker said to Ivan softly.

"Here, let me show y'a... you all the jewels," Applejack said. She took them to see the jewels and I got Ivan to brief me, which was that suspicious woman was going around, studying the jewels somewhat covetously, but she seemed unlike to be a Unicorn, whatever her true nature. No sign of spells or anything.

Could be one of the other Elements.

She's either very brave, insane, or both to try slipping in here when... But does she know we're here? We don't know.

On the other hand, she must have seen Applejack; even in the outfit Applejack's wearing, she'd recognize Applejack.

We can't start a fight with all these people unless we have to. Hmm, on the other hand, if we let her go, we can follow her back to her base. Which would be good to find.

I went round and round in my head, then decided to just go find Captain Keen Eyes and tell him what we know, much as I don't like him.

I told him everything and he looked thoughtful. "I'll have one of my men follow her," he said. "She may or may not actually be connected to any of our foes."

I went back up to the watchtower to fret.

*************

Clarity did not appear clearly as herself but we identified more dopplegangers. Twilight compiled a list of people to inform; we would time it so the messages were delivered to relevant leaders at the same time as our audience; ideally this would avoid tipping them off that we were onto them too early.

That night, we stayed up, watching and waiting to see if Clarity made her raid for the jewels. We left a deliberate hole in the defenses; ideally this would let her in, then we could seal it and trap her. And Twilight had put up wards against teleportation to ensure no easy escape.

Blinky now said, "Something's under us. It's digging up into the embassy."

Clyde's eyes widened. "What?"

"Towards the jewels?" I asked.

"Towards the jewels," she confirmed.

We ringed the area and waited tensely.

Then the giant purple worm erupted upwards, swallowing the jewels. Purple worms are giant worm like creatures, about twenty feet across, which tunnel under ground and eat rock.

Strangely, Clyde looked relieved it was a giant worm and not... whatever he'd been worried about.

"It's made of shadow magic!" Twilight said. "This must have been made by Dawn Gleaming! I'm going to try to dispel it!" She concentrated, horn blazing and Rarity, Captain Keen Eyes, and I aided her as much as we could.

Blink, it vanished and the jewels fell down the shaft.

"Pegasi, CHARGE," Captain Keen Eyes shouted and they rushed down the tunnel, including Rainbow Dash and Clyde.

"Fluttershy, carry me down," Twilight said, hopping onto her and she began to descend, carrying Twilight.

Pinkie slipped on her magical boot/sock/slippers and ran down the tunnel's walls.

"Rarity, if we can light the tunnel, maybe the archers can help," I told her.

We tried projecting light but the tunnel was too deep for us to our frustration; we could just listen to the chaos and shouting below.

"Dammit," one of the Unicorns said and I agreed. Having to listen to a fight you can't even SEE is very annoying.

And then I felt a pulse of magic and a letter appeared by Captain Keen Eyes. It had Rarity's cutie mark as a seal.

His eyes widened and warily he read it silently, then put it in his pack, now looking confused.

"What did it say, Father?" Rarity asked.

"She hoped to rescue me," he said softly. "And apologized that my captors drove them off before she could." He looked very confused.

"The clones have a somewhat warped view of the world and past events," I told him. "But it makes sense she thinks you are her father."

He stared at the ground, frowning and I remembered the vision I'd seen. My gut churned. Could he fight her, if it came down to it?

Rarity came over and nuzzled him. "I'm sure we can bring her around if we can only get the chance," she said.

The sounds of chaos were dying down.

Pretty soon they returned, battered but triumphant. "Well, we drove them off," Twilight said, then sighed. "But they collapsed the tunnel and got away."

"I couldn't dig fast enough," Clyde said, frustrated. "And my best digging tools were in my room because I didn't think I'd be digging tonight."

"The good news is that they took the jewels, so ideally, I can use my tracking spell and we can find their base," Twilight said.

*************

Ideal, except that it turned out Dawn Gleaming knew that trick and was able to ward off Twilight's efforts. Dammit.

On the other hand, we had been able to track that shapeshifted woman and she went back to the Bronze Shanti's base earlier in the day.

We decided to deliver our message to the Radirajah first; we have no legal authority here to break into the Bronze Shanti's base and it would be just my luck to capture the Elements of Power, but then get thrown in jail for it.

We HAD to get the message to him without more delays, given how many dopplegangers were around.

Though in my heart, I knew the meeting was somehow going to go totally to hell.

But we all got suited up and ready and set Applejack to maximum frou-frou mode. She and Rarity had been up very late, reviewing etiquette with the ambassador. To my surprise, Fluttershy was in human form again, looking very determined. By Fluttershy standards, anyway. She and Ivan were our only humans and I hoped no one would see them and cause a scene. Ivan was wearing a holy symbol of Asterius and had hidden his weapons in his clothing. I suddenly wondered if he was going to try to pass as a cleric.

Then we set out to be elegant, diplomatic, and sneaky.

*************

Rarity had made Clyde a nice suit and Blinky a nice dress for the meeting. We didn't want to leave them behind in case Pinkamena came for THEM. Clyde had been a little disappointed she hadn't tried to kidnap him.

We marched with our escorts through the streets and through the guards; being hailed by the door wardens and heralds was rather nice, really. Respect is a good thing.

I glanced at Fluttershy, worried she'd lose herself again. I wish I could help her. I'm fine with being in this form; I don't think it's affected my mind at all beyond the obvious stuff caused by the magic.

But how would I tell? On the other hand, no one is saying I'm acting weird.

I was going to nuzzle Rarity, my beautiful girlfriend, but then I decided the interests of dignity, unfortunately, would have to trump the interests of showing her how I feel. So I just whispered, "I love you," in her ear and watched her turn a little red and smile brightly.

"I love you too," she whispered and smiled at me. But again, dignity.

Damn you, dignity.

Much to Captain Keen Eyes frustration, most of his guards had to wait outside the palace. However, High Dive and an Earth Pony named Iron Smith had donned civilian clothing along with Captain Keen Eyes, hidden their weapons in saddlebags, and were pretending to be our servants, doing things like opening doors for us.

Clyde and Blinky both looked very nervous. Pinkie stuck close by them, whispering encouraging words. Fluttershy also spoke to them quietly, which seemed to help.

Ivan had the carefully neutral look of a man who wished he could light a match and watch this all burn but had to restrain himself. Patience, Ivan. One day, you'll be in place to start getting rid of the fire ants.

Besides, you KNOW a good con... diplomatic mission... requires subtlety and patience. Let's not have a repetition of what happened in Wendar.

At least everyone in Wendar is sure we're dead.

We encountered Corn Husker and his master; Corn Husker was hauling a small wagon piled with goods down a hallway as his master and his master's wife (I assume) walked ahead of him. Kal-iya Ajith and his wife turned and saw us and stared, then Kal-iya Ajith paled and bowed to Fluttershy.

She touched his forehead lightly. "Do good, not ill, and you will never taste my wrath again, Kal-iya Ajith. You were given this rank to help and protect others, not to abuse it. Show yourself worthy."

"Hey, Corn Husker, ho... Hello, good sir," Applejack said, correcting herself. "I hope you and your family are well."

"Thank you very much again," he said, sounding grateful. "We are quite well. Our daughter, Nimble Tongue, is at the Glantrian Embassy right now, starting her studies. I am very proud of her."

"Congratulations," I told her. "The study of wizardry is very rewarding. I had to teach myself from a book I bought." Stole, actually, but you can't say that when you're dignified.

"She's always loved to read, even though it was forbidden," Corn Husker said.

FORBIDDEN?

Twilight stared, mouth open wide.

Kal-iya Ajith's wife frowned. "It causes people to get ideas they shouldn't have."

"Dear, it is not wise to taunt the friends of a Ral-iya," Kal-iya Ajith said frantically.

Ivan made the gurgly noises of a man who wishes SO MUCH to unload verbal guns but can't.

Slither hissed at Kal-iya Ajith's wife, who said, "I know you're not really human," to Fluttershy.

"And I know your status was not earned by your karma in a past life, but merely was inherited by birth," Ivan said. "What does her body matter when she has spiritual power? Further, she is a druid. Her flesh is whatever is convenient to her."

Fluttershy licked her lips nervously, then reached into her pocket and pulled out a seed. She whispered to it and sang and it sprouted somehow into a daisy without having proper roots or a bush or... I can't remember how daisies grow at all, really. She then offered it to Kal-iya's Ajith's wife. "I can tell you love your husband very much and you just wish to defend his honor. That is commendable," she said softly.

Kal-iya Ajith's wife looked confused, but took the flower, staring at it as if it might bite her.

"Forbidden?" Twilight finally squeaked.

"But she can do what she likes there. One day, she says she will take us to Glantri, where things are different. It is hard to imagine," Corn Husker said with a certain awe. "The Immortals have smiled on us."

"Glantri has its flaws too," Ivan said to him. "But I think you'll be happier there."

"Glantrian wizards abuse their power," Kal-iya Ajith's wife said bitterly.

"Enough," Kal-iya Ajith said. "Wear the flower, dear."

"But..."

"Wear it," he said more firmly and she tucked it into her hair frowning.

He bowed to Fluttershy. "Good luck with whatever brings you here, enlightened one. Corn Husker, we must go. We must see the Minister of Trade."

"Good luck," I said, trying to be diplomatic. "Immortals shine their blessing on you." It's important in diplomacy to wish everyone well until it's time to slide in the knife.

They soon moved on and so did we.

************

We were escorted to a room, where we waited two hours, then got moved to another for thirty minutes, then BACK to the first for an hour, then we had lunch in ANOTHER room, then we were taken to the gardens and musicians entertained us. Applejack was starting to look somewhat overwhelmed by maintaining decorum. Rarity, on the other hand, enjoyed the various entertainments. Clyde and Blinky, oddly, took it best, eating what was given to them, listening to music or watching juggling, as if this happened every day. Compared to earlier nerves, it confused me.

It began to rain hard, pounding down, so they took us inside to another room as the rain hit like an ocean falling from the sky.

As we were watching a group of very skilled acrobats, Fluttershy began talking quietly to Spike, who looked intrigued. Meanwhile, Twilight now began scribbling on a piece of paper; it seemed to be a crude map of the palace. I looked at it. "What's that for?"

"I am suddenly wondering if someone in the Radhirajah's staff has either been charmed or bribed or replaced by someone working for our enemies and is trying to shuffle us around so we never see the Radhirajah," Twilight said.

"I'll find him," Ivan said, then faked having to go to the bathroom; he got directions and slipped off.

Pinkie began humming the pocket pony song, which was now much longer and more elaborate.

Blinky closed her eyes and seemed to focus on something. What, she didn't say.

Could the shifters be planning a strike? Or do they hope we'll freak out and get thrown out? Ooh, I... okay, I don't actually LIKE that plan but I appreciate the cunning, especially with Applejack getting ever more uncomfortable.

Captain Keen Eyes refilled my glass. His voice oozed politeness. "Some wine for the noble Count Five Jacks High." His eyes said 'choke on it'.

I smiled back. "Thank you, good sir." My eyes said, 'You can't stop me, ha ha'.

Thus the cycle of hate was preserved.

Soon, Ivan returned. "No one on our shifter list is involved, BUT I convinced a servant to talk and he has heard the Radhirajah is annoyed because of the various incidents with our people, and is snubbing us in response. He'll talk to us eventually, but this is a kind of 'know your place' snub."

Delightful.

**********

We got shuffled more. We had dinner. Applejack had glazed over and turned into a stiff, formal zombie who Rarity had to carefully guide around. We were all getting jumpy and nervous with tension. Blinky kept napping wherever we went. Or maybe she was just concentrating on something.

I finally asked her.

"Keeping an eye out for purple worms. Just in case they try that again," she said.

"I fully support what you're doing." Ahahah. Fixing the embassy is going to take forever. Fortunately, it only damaged one building and dug a huge tunnel.

We got moved to ANOTHER room and this time I smelled a smell that gave me intense paranoia. Everyone else was sniffing the air and looking a little worried.

"What is that?" I said.

"I don't know," Applejack said, frowning and snapping out of her funk. Then she sighed. "A refined young lady such as myself does not cavort with creatures which smell like this."

I smiled. "And a fine refined young lady you are, fair Countess Applejack."

Rarity took a deep breath. "It's mixed with perfume. They tried to hide their scent with a kind of lemon-scented oil. But it wasn't enough to fool us."

"I can't smell it," Ivan said. "I only pick up the hint of lemon."

Twilight cast a quick spell to reveal anything invisible but there was nothing invisible. A Sindhi bard sat on cushions, played a sitar and related a heroic tale about an earlier Radhirajah who battled a great evil dragon and slew it. It was a pretty good story but even Rarity was starting to go a little stir crazy by now.

And then another servant entered. Lemon-scented. With just a hint of the other smell. Carefully, we followed him, knowing this might be a trap.

The next room had a group of trained roosters, who began performing the Equestrian National Anthem as two tamers, both not shifters, urged them on. I started laughing; the soldiers and Keen Eyes glared at me but Dash joined in and then Pinkie and soon everyone else, even Keen Eyes was laughing.

Shifter boy stood by the door.

Suddenly, I realized Ivan was not here. I hoped that boded well, not ill.

Then Ivan returned, shoving his way in. "The Radhirajah is meeting with 'us'. Which means it has to be the Elements of Power impersonating us."

FUCK ME RAW.

"To the rescue!" Twilight shouted, and then the shifter in the doorway turned into a huge ten foot tall green humanoid with elven style ears and that damn elven smirk but with the claws of a troll and the fashion sense of a murder hobo.

DOPPLEGANGER-ELF-TROLL!!!!!!!

"You BASTARD! You all fell into the Elemental Plane of FIRE, DAMMIT!"

He was about to give his evil speech but now he said, "What the..." His eyes narrowed. "YOU BASTARD! Cufen the Magnificent, we have sworn to DESTROY YOU ABOVE ALL THINGS!!!! Princess Marjorie promised us our revenge but we never dreamed you would throw yourself INTO OUR CLAWS!"

"Well, you were certain humble in that life," Clyde observed, amused.

"In your dreams," Rarity said and fired an arrow right into his arm. He bled a little but the wound closed itself with the arrow in it. "Twilight, you said that rune would make shapeshifters revert to normal!"

"This IS normal for a doppleganger-elf-troll!" I said. "SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!" And then I hurled fire at him; he dodged and a tapestry caught fire. Ivan drew his sword and clipped him and he took a Pinkie-Pie to the face as he stumbled into the hallway but he shouted, "The light purple pony is CUFEN THE MAGNIFICENT REBORN!"

What irks me most? Only these damn things ever actually used my title from that life! And the town that awarded it to me, but knowing my life, I wasn't able to stay in Tameronikas for very long.

This is probably why Tameronikas is still standing.

And now distantly, a voice shouted with magic-amplification, "The Equestrians have kidnapped the Radhirajah and are trying to escape! STOP THEM!"

BLOODY HELL!!!!!

Applejack leaped at the doppleganger-elf-troll, knocked him down, then casually punted him off down the hallway. Rarity retrieved her arrow, looking annoyed. Then we began rushing towards where Ivan said our evil twins were. Unfortunately, we now encountered a group of guards. "Halt!" they said.

This posed a difficult problem. If we halted, it's likely our foes would escape. But if we attacked them, the odds of this ending well would plummet.

"Ivan," Twilight said and he came over to her. She looked into his eyes, and then BAMF, we all teleported. Twilight was panting hard now and then Ivan had to catch her. But we landed where the Radhirajah had been.

HAD been.

Now there was a distant brawl and the sound of a shouting. We ran towards it. More guards and Twilight was basically too tired to teleport us again. We dodged around them, trying to follow the sounds, but we kept having to evade guards and ending more lost and further away.

"Roof," Twilight mumbled. "Easiest escape is to have something to fly away on. We need to go up." Clyde was carrying her; he was strong and she was, as ponies go, light. IE, heavier than me.

We made for a staircase and ran for the roof. Unfortunately, it didn't actually GO to the roof.

"TIME TO MAKE A HOLE!" Dash shouted and smashed the roof open. This was enough for Clyde, High Dive, Dash, and Fluttershy to fly up. Fluttershy began using Slither like a fishing pole to reel people up while the others hauled folk with ropes.

The good news was we made it onto the roof before our evil twins escaped.

The bad news was that they had a Glantri-style flying ship STAFFED BY DOPPLEGANGER-ELF-TROLLS. WHERE DID THEY GET SO MANY OF THE DAMN THINGS?

And they had SIX of them on the roof with them. Dawn Gleaming concentrated and the Radhirajah flew up onto the ship with her telekinetic powers. AND they had Pinkamena's shadow friend squad, including Sir Lintsalot, who they must have recovered from... wherever he went when we conned him.

Then there was a distant explosion and I felt a wash of magic.

"There went the teleport wards," Twilight mumbled.

"Wait, they didn't stop you teleporting inside the castle," I said.

"I was too strong for them but now I'm pretty wiped out." She touched her crown, the Element of Magic. Oh hoh.

Dragonshy said, "Now you all... Fluttershy, what are you DOING?" she said, staring at Fluttershy.

Fluttershy blinked as she petted Slither's head. "Just rewarding him for being such a good, good boy. He was so helpful!" She smiled. "I'm going to give you some tasty mice later, yes, I will."

Dragonshy said, "But you... I mean... Ahahaha." She looked stunned.

"Do NOT tell me you are afraid of snakes," Rainbow Crash said to Dragonshy, half mocking and half stunned.

Ivan said, "You're a pony, you wouldn't get it."

"SHE is a pony too!" Rainbow Crash said, pointing at Dragonfly.

I studied Fluttershy. Is she... probably she is losing it. Dammit. I think she may be vamping but it's hard to tell for some reason. But I don't think she's doing it deliberately.

"Hand over the Radhirajah now! Do you realize what you're doing?" Captain Keen Eyes demanded. "This could start a war!"

"It will start a war and Sind will lose. Its filthy oppressive system of government will fall and Ponies will no longer be oppressed here. Isn't that what you want?" Niccolo said back.

Ivan grimaced. He opened his mouth, shut it, then stared at the roof, clearly now feeling instinctively that this isn't the way to do it, but unable to argue with that goal.

"Marjorie wants her own kingdom," I said. "Not to free it but to rule it. If you erect freedom for Ponies on a stack of corpses, won't it just mean that one day the humans will rise up and take revenge? That's not how Equestria became freer than it was under noble rule. You've read history, Dawn Gleaming," I said. "Tell me how Equestria became how it is today."

She gulped, then grew more confident. "As Equestria's neighbors entered periods of weakness and peace with the Buffalo came to pass, the military class became less necessary. Gradually, merchants and craftsmen, rather than farmers who were peasants controlled by knightly war-ponies, became the main generators of wealth. Wealth is a form of power," she continued, and Apple Blossom nodded.

"My kind of people became the true rulers of Equestria. Cultured, literate, hard-working, and wealthy. Celestia recovered from her illness and allied herself to our people and gradually we eased the nobility into their current status as singing canaries for the glory of the court," Apple Blossom said. "Clarity and I represent the true nobility of Equestria now."

"Exactly, darling," Clarity said. "Father, you should come with us. I don't want to fight you and there is much good you could do with us. This land will need strong, honest men like you as we begin to make it a fit place for Pony and beast alike." She paused, then looking a little embarrassed, she said, "I have missed you, Father."

I could see the vision burning in my eyes like a brand. Saw him put in the position of fighting his daughter. For all that I hate him, my heart suddenly went out to him. DAMN YOU, HEART. How could a man have to fight his own child?

We'd told him about Clarity but only now did it really sink in, as Spikey stood by her, one hand on her back, and Spike carefully didn't look at them.

He licked his lips and then he said, "You should join us. You know your mother misses you. You can come back to Equestria and see her. And Sweetie misses her sister so very much." His voice was rough and wobbled. He's not a practiced liar. He's a very honest man.

An honest asshole, but an honest man.

It would be easier to hate him without remorse if he would stop having some good qualities, DAMMIT.

Rarity made a noise, and I touched her mind with a spell. 'We should play along. He's taking the right approach.'

'I know. It's just my nerves, darling.' She pressed to me and we stood close, keeping our mouths shut.

Slowly, though, the boat was moving away. Leaving them behind? Why?

Clyde started, then turned to Pinkamena, staring at her. She glared back at him.

"Go ahead, condemn me. You always do. You always did. You had to have it your way or the highway, so I chose the highway and you hate me for it. But I don't need you. I'm old enough to make my own choices." She sounded very angry. "Hello, Blinky. I see you're going to inherit the farm now that you've let Father grind and polish you down to the shape and size he wants, everything extraneous rubbed away by water and words."

"So, Dawn Gleaming. You think you can rush that here? Sind is still ruled by nobles who lord it over peasants, though the merchants and craftsmen are waxing in strength. Does your study really show that Sind is ready for this sort of revolution to actually work? To actually last? Or is it more likely to lead to the warriors resuming control and cracking down on those you sought to free?" I said.

"I..." She hesitated. "But I can't just do nothing! It's better to take a chance on failure than to do nothing and guarantee it!"

Aaargh, I'm not so good at this kind of big social question. "I think the Sindhi have to make this revolution for themselves for it to work," I told her. But that's easy for me to say; I don't have to live with the system as it is.

Dammit, this country probably should be overthrown but Marjorie is an evil bastard and can't be trusted with it and if we don't stop them, she'll attack Equestria and even if Equestria wins, a lot of people will die.

And most people don't get to reincarnate like me.

Dammit.

While we launched into a four way debate between myself, Twilight, Dawn Gleaming, and Sammy (who I will note, does not look as good as a pony as I do), Clarity wobbled for a moment. "Father, I can't go back until these evil twins are dealt with. Please, join us." Her voice was urgent.

"Clarity and I need your help," Spikey said urgently. "Don't let these fakes fool you. Don't you want to get rid of that punk, Five Jacks High?"

Captain Keen Eyes glanced at me and grimaced.

Bloody hell. Damn you, Spikey.

"I lur... I lar..." Clyde coughed and spat out his hay. "I love you and I'm sorry," he said, sounding pained to say it. "I never told you that enough. I was so worried you all would have my bad habits from my youth that I crushed you all trying to restrain you and didn't do a good job of showing you the light I'd found. But I just buried you with it, instead."

"We love you, please come home," Pinkie said, holding out a hoof to Pinkamena.

Pinkamena's eyes widened, clearly not expecting this. The flaw of having totally false memories.

"I... Father..." she squeaked.

"He's probably just trying to trick you like that bastard tricked me," Sir Lintsalot said urgently.

"You know how he always treated you, as just a slave to work all day," Madame LeFlour said. "Never a moment of fun."

"And he'd get mad and yell at you if you did anything wild at all," Rocky said. "Anything not covered in the book of Kagyar."

"And the food was terribly bland. Even the food didn't get to be exciting!" Mr. Turnip said.

"I know, we overdid it," Clyde said. "But I'm sorry." He kept his hoof extended and Pinkamena stared at it uncertainly.

Apple Blossom and Applejack stared at each other, and Apple Blossom grinned. "So you have to be me to beat me, dearie? Shows which one of us is the original."

"Even being elegant means you're copying my grace and dignity," Applejack said calmly. "There's only one way to settle this, you know."

"I know," Apple Blossom said. "Tea Party of death. Anton!"

One of the doppleganger-elf-trolls began setting up a table, putting out tea and tea gear and laying out snacks.

"..." I stared for a moment.

"Given a free choice, I would fling him into the sun. But I lost that choice when I swore allegiance to Celestia," Captain Keen Eyes said firmly. "She has ordered me to protect him and I will die for his worthless hide if I must, though I would rather not." He licked his lips. "I will fight you if I must, but I would rather not. Come Clarity, join us, and we will let bygones be bygones, daughter." His voice was soft but firm.

"First event," Anton said. "Tea pouring."

Applejack and Apple Blossom spun delicately, each took a pot with their tail and carefully poured out tea. I could see Rarity concentrating, probably giving advice by magic to Applejack. Apple Blossom's tea sloshed slightly but she gently tapped the cup and it stabilized.

Pinkamena and Clarity both wobbled, clearly torn.

Applejack and Apple Blossom now each carefully took the glass with two hooves. Slowly, every so slowly, they lifted it to their lips and took a sip, just a small one. Applejack's tongue started to come out to lick her lips dry but she made herself stop. Apple Blossom smiled. "That would have been quite gauche. But flawed instincts will tell."

"I'll sho... I will show you whose instincts are best," Applejack said. She and Apple Blossom each took a small cake, balanced it on one hoof and took a bite. While Apple Blossom had better fine control on keeping her cake stable, the rest of her body wobbled a bit. Applejack balanced flawlessly on three legs but wobbled a touch with the cake.

"So, you going to try to tempt me to switch sides?" Rainbow Crash said to Rainbow Dash.

"Naah, I know me. You'll only learn to stop being a punk when I KICK YOUR ASS," Rainbow Dash said. "I'm just waiting for the full brawl to start."

"HAH! We'll see!" Rainbow Crash said.

"We can't fight until I win this argument!" Dawn Gleaming said.

"Given you just tried to cite an imaginary book, that could be a long time," Twilight said weakly.

"The Hiearcopolis scroll is AUTHENTIC," Dawn Gleaming insisted. "It records the first labor strike for which we have a record, after Blackmoor!"

"It was made up in Corunglain in 783 AC in order to justify a labor strike by morticians," Twilight said.

"Well, that's the argument in Decius Mobalus' history of Corunglain," I said.

"Mobalus was the little bitch of Corun House, who told him what to write. It was a strike against their rivals, Toney House, who they wanted to make look bad," Sammy insisted.

"You should not refer to a historian as a 'little bitch," Twilight said weakly.

And then Fire Swallow and Cruisin' came up over the edge of the roof. FUCK. "They're almost here. Time to GO," Fire Swallow said.

"But I haven't won yet!" Dawn Gleaming said. "We haven't even pinned down what the acceptable standards for sources are!"

"Father, come with us, please," Clarity said, starting to cry.

As you'd expect, now Captain Keen Eyes looked intensely uncomfortable. "I know you're just crying to try and get me to give in to what you want."

"I didn't do that all the time," Rarity mumbled.

"Is it working?" Clarity said hopefully.

"If they see both groups, they will know the TRUTH," Fire Swallow said urgently.

"This is NOT a concession, it's just a rescheduling! We'll finish this later!" Dawn Gleaming said, frustrating. "I am NOT running away because I would lose this argument! Not at all!"

"It's because Twilight is smarter than you," I said, grinning a little.

"NO!"

Applejack and Apple Blossom were now taking another cup of tea; they both set it down, grinning at each other. "I fear, dear friend, that our fine tea party is about to be cut short," Applejack said.

"I must regretfully depart," Apple Blossom said. "But I am sure we will meet again in the Broken Lands or elsewhere. Farewell, old chum."

"Isn't that what sharks eat?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Yeah, makes a great put down!" Crash said enthusiastically.

Not actually the point.

"Come on, Pinkamena, it's not too late," Pinkie said urgently. "Father and Blinky and I all want you to come with us."

"If you really wanted me, Mother would be here too. She never liked how I looked and always thought Father cheated on her somehow to make me," Pinkamena said.

"Honey, that's impossible, given she gave birth to you," Clyde said.

Pinkamena, for a moment, paused with mouth open wide. "I... How did I... yes, it makes no sense, but..." She suddenly looked utterly panicked.

"You tricked her!" Sir Lintsalot said angrily. "Liars!"

And then there was a flash and Dawn Gleaming teleported them. Unfortunately, our Twilight was too exhausted to stop them.

The ship rose into the clouds even as our pegasi launched towards it.

"So close, DAMMIT," Captain Keen Eyes said angrily.

"Pinkamena," Clyde said sadly. "Blinky, how long do we have?"

"About two seconds," Blinky said, and then the first wave of guards broke onto the roof.

"Surrender!" they shouted.

"No... no... Celestia is going to banish me to the Moon..." Twilight wailed, utterly depressed.

Rarity licked her lips. "Pegasi, return!" she shouted. "Break for the hole and jump down!"

She took command as we all retreated, jumping down through the hole; Ivan was carried down by Fluttershy. Then we ran through the palace but ever more guards wer closing in on us. Blinky whispered to Clyde, who nodded.

"We need to get to the basement," Clyde said.

"Why?" I asked.

"We can get us out of here if we can get down to good solid rock," he said.

"This way!" Rarity shouted and we followed her lead as Twilight continued to wail in despair.

***************

She didn't actually know which way we were going, it turned out. We finally were brought to bay in a large dining room, which we barred the door and tried to think of a plan. Busting the floor revealed... troops under us. Someone thought of that. Dammit, the noose was tightening.

"I guess we fight," I said.

And then a door we hadn't seen before opened. What came in was a stallion in dark blue robes with the moon on them in white. He looked like a male version of Luna and he had a necklace around his neck of Luna's cutie mark. Given he ALSO had the same cutie mark, this looked odd. "I am the Prophet of Luna," he announced. "Come to bring freedom to this land. Follow me, servants of the holy Luna. I will lead you to freedom."

"It won't matter if they capture us, Celestia will send the whole prison to the moon," Twilight wailed.

This is not a good time for her to have a breakdown.

"We need to get to the basement," Rarity said.

I hope she's right to trust Clyde. Though with that cutie mark, I expect he can dig pretty fast.

"You know, Luna..." Ivan began.

"We know Luna has blessed you, human," he said. "And I know of your kindness to our kind. Remember us when you walk among the stars."

Ivan started, then looked guilty.

We followed him; I hoped it was not a mistake. The passage was narrow and forked many times. "What is this?" I asked.

"For servants to travel without being seen. Especially lowly ponies, who might 'taint' high caste folk by their presence," he said bitterly. "This land groans with long sorrows."

We reached an intersection and another identical pony waited there. "I am the Prophet of Luna," the second one said. "I will guide you."

"I will fade our passage," the first one said. "Then return home. Luna's blessing on you."

They even smelled the same.

"Are you all priests, I take it?" I said.

"We are many fingers of one hand," he said. "United by our common purpose. We will shield you, for Luna's sake."

"We have to go to the basement," Rarity said.

Luna's second prophet hesistated. "But if they figure it out, you will be trapped."

"I have a few tricks of my own," Clyde said.

"Then let us go swiftly."

****************

Something about this pony... We followed him down to the basement, which was full of stores. And a few servant ponies, who bowed to the Prophet. "They will go and tell everyone they saw you heading for the Radhirajah's boat," the Prophet said. "I must go before I am missed."

"The Radhirajah really has been skimping on counter-intelligence work," Captain Keen Eyes said, shaking his head.

"No one pays attention to lowly ponies or considers them worth spying on," the Prophet said. "And we take a great risk for you that some of our brethren will be exposed."

"Thank you," Clyde said. "You're good people. Go before they find you with us."

The prophet left and he and Blinky kicked one of the walls in a complex pattern.

A few seconds of nothing ensued.

And then two huge weird ghostly creatures came through the wall. One was blue and one was orange. They were shaped roughly like a hemisphere connected to a tube with a cartoony face painted on one side. Then they somehow pulled off... They turned into two ponies, each holding a full head mask like the shape they'd had a moment ago; one was an older mare with her hair in a bun and fake elf ears and wearing an elven outfit adapted for ponies in orange and blue; the other was a younger mare, also in an elven style outfit in blue and gold. She was wearing fake elf ears and a hat like mine. Her mane had been very obviously dyed green.

"Mother?" Pinkie squeaked.

She had a wry smile. "Hello, dear. Inky and I have come to save you."

"I am Arwen Moonshadow now!" Inky insisted.

"Of course you are, dear," Mrs. Pie said. She and Clyde nuzzled each other. "We'd best start funneling people. Masks on, everyone."

Blinky and Clyde turned out to have hidden masks which also let them do... whatever exactly those things did. Let them phase, I think. They took us through the wall into a tunnel, taking each of us one at a time.

"I fear we will soon have to go into the nasty sewer," Bonnie Pie (I think that's her name) said.

"It's the GHOSTLY GANG," Twilight suddenly said. "I thought they all got eaten by a dragon twenty five years ago!"

"It's what we wanted everyone to think," Clyde Pie said.

"And the Older Gang's running around here too," Spike said. "Wow. It's old crime week here in Sind."

My brain put the pieces together. Those two robbed the Thyatians and left the necklace to throw off suspicion. VERY clever.

Not clever enough to fool me, though.

HAH!

"Anyway, ho..." Bonnie paused.

She stared at her husband.

Her eyes widened.

So did Inky's.

"What?" Bonnie said, mouth open wide.

"Umm... Twilight... ahahaha." He laughed nervously, one hoof behind his head.

"Man, that looks just like you," Ivan whispered to me, then laughed.

Ahahaha.

"Honey..." Bonnie said warningly.

"It's my fault," Twilight mumbled. "I'm sorry. I can't do anything right."

"No, it's okay," Clyde said to her, then turned back to his wife. "I still love you as much as ever. I'm not going to fly away and leave you behind like Five Stars did." He nuzzled her gently. "We'll fly into the future together."

He glanced at Dash, who gave him the hoofs up.

"Honey, you ALWAYS get us in over our head," Bonnie said, shaking her head.

"I rely on you to get us out. And you'd be bored if I didn't," he said to her.

Bonnie laughed ruefully. "We couldn't even manage to stay boring."

"WHAT IS GOING ON?" Pinkie said, flailing.

"We'll explain everything later," Clyde said. "We have to go."

We ran through the tunnels. "We have to get back to the embassy," Rarity said.

"Conveniently, there's now a 'secret tunnel' into it," Clyde said, laughing.

Ahahaha.

Fluttershy now spread some seeds as she flew and sang, tangling up the path behind us with vines and brambles as we ran. "This will stop any pursuit."

Baron Golden Star is going to kill us.

So dead.

Maybe Celestia WILL banish us to the moon.

*******************

"We get you out of the country," Baron Golden Star said. "If we hurry, we can get you on the train which is about to leave."

"Too obvious," Clyde said. "And puts the other passengers in danger," he continued.

Baron Golden Star grimaced. "It wouldn't have come to this if you hadn't annoyed the Radhirajah enough to make him make you wait."

Captain Keen Eyes grimaced and we all mumbled apologetically. DAMMIT.

A letter now appeared, landing on Twilight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

My dear little ponies and humans,

Spike has sent me a letter informing me of your plight. Baron Golden Star, I need you to tell them the truth. They won't believe it but with the Radhirajah gone, the government will be paralyzed at least for a little while. I need you to buy as much time as you can. I put my trust in you, Baron Golden Star. Do your very best and I will be satisfied. Every moment you can buy us is a moment more for the Elements to recover the Radhirajah and prevent open war.

Twilight, I know you feel guilty. We can discuss this later, but I need you to pull yourself together and study hard and plan how to rescue the Radhirajah. I need you, Twilight. And I trust in you. Everyone makes mistakes. But it's not too late to fix this one.

Everyone, you should escape through the south gate and head south into the desert down the road. I will arrange for you to be picked up there.

Luna will have further instructions for you soon. Be swift and fierce and wise, my friends. Do not look to the past or chew the cud of your regrets. What is done is done. Look to the future and we will make it shine together.

I still put my trust in you all.

Your Princess, Friend, and Mentor,

Princess Celestia of Equestria.

PS: Buy Spike some ice cream when you get the chance. He deserves it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Celestia, I'm sorry," Twilight said, shivering, then tried to pull herself together. "Baron, do you have any ice cream for Spike?"

"We don't have..." He looked at the letter again. "I'll send a servant."

Twilight closed her eyes and shook for a few seconds, then got up. Her eyes opened and she looked weak but determined. "Okay. Grab anything you left here at the embassy. We ship out in ten minutes. Spike, eat quickly."

"I'm good at that!" Spike said excitedly and ran for the kitchens.

Ahh, feels like old days.

THE TIMES I RAN FOR MY LIFE WITH EVERYTHING ON FIRE.

Except now I have someone to run for my life with.

I took a moment to nuzzle Rarity as we grabbed things in our room and she now kissed me. "Nice job taking charge and leading us," I told her.

"Well, I knew Twilight would snap out of it after a while but someone had to take charge," she said.

"You did well, daughter. I'm proud of you," Captain Keen Eyes said to Rarity.

"Shouldn't you be packing?" I told him.

"I kept everything in my saddlebags in case something like this happened," he said.

Ahaha.

"Thank you, Father. I just wish Clarity had listened to you."

"If I had a little more time..." He sighed. "No regrets. Celestia is right. We have to move forwards. See you all in five." He galloped off, shouting orders to his men.

She licked her lips nervously. "I guess..." She stopped.

"Guess?" I asked.

"I've kind of enjoyed having you as a pony all this time but no reason to stay this way now," she said. "I'll owe you a good long run." She sighed. "It would have been nicer without Father hanging over us the whole time, though."

"We'll have plenty of time in the future," I told her.

If we're alive.

"Anyway, I'm staying this way until I'm sure I won't need to run," I told her.

Then I can have my freakout in safety.

*************

Stage one of the plan was simple. We quickly bought wagons and hitched our earth ponies to them, then put everyone else in the wagons and then the earth ponies put hoof to cobblestone, hauling us through the city at high speed as alarms sounded and watchmen began heading our way. We soon had a mob of soldiers chasing us as we headed for the south gate.

Fluttershy, still in human form, now rose up, even as the soldiers frantically closed the gate. She chanted and lightning stabbed down from the clouds above the city as rain poured down. Strike after strike battered the gates and then the pegasi formed into a v formation and charged it, smashing it apart as the unicorns worked to divert incoming arrow fire. We rushed out the gates and away down the road at high speed.

Ivan was laughing. "Remember Oceansend?"

"I wish I could forget," I told him, but I was laughing too, mane flapping in the wind. There's something about running from the law which is just exhilarating.

A catapult was about to fire at us and Rarity fired an arrow; it exploded, blowing up the catapult and I high-hooved her and we both laughed. More arrows disabled the rest of the gate artillery as Keen Eyes men proved their worth.

A squad of cavalry tried to block us and Keen Eyes reared up. Arrows FLOODED out of his packs and fell like rain from the sky, scattering the cavalry, then came back to him and stashed themselves.

Holy shit.

He grinned at me and I resolved never to piss him off.

Umm...

Never to... ummm...

AHAHAHAHA.

"I normally don't do that because if they actually hit anything, I'm out of arrows," he said. "But it has its uses."

Like making ME a pincushion. Ahaha.

Faster, Earth Ponies, FASTER!

He wobbled a bit; I suspect it takes a lot out of him too.

Hippogriffs with riders came after us now, but the pegasi took to the air, battling them. Pretty soon, the formation was scattered and they rejoined us.

And we roared off down the road in our wagons.

**************

Our foes gave chase, but regular horses can't keep up with Earth Ponies. Suckers.

We soon were deep into the desert and night was upon us; the storm was dumping down rain and heat rose up from the rocky terrain, creating a kind of steam bath. It made me feel annoyingly filthy.

And then something loomed down out of the clouds. A flying tree. A huge tree and around it was a veritable fortress of interlinked buildings connected by ramps and elevators. It was a liftwood tree, in fact, stuck in a giant pot. And from the top two flags flew. One of them was the skull and crossbones of pirates. And the other was flag of... Ierendi? What on earth was this and why were Ierendi pirates flying around in it?

A letter dropped onto Twilight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Har, Maties!,

This do be the Dread Pirate Lunette. Are ye ready to be brought aboard this fine vessel?

Your friend,

The Dread Pirate Lunette.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The... OH," Twilight said. "I wonder who built this."

"Oh, I think I know," Applejack said proudly.

"Umm, how do we get up there?" Fluttershy said hesitantly.

I blinked and touched her wings.

"OH."

Having an entire lance of pegasi meant we all got swiftly ferried up to the vessel, and soon joined the Dread Pirate Lunette and her crew.

The Dread Pirate Lunette was Luna in her Belcadizian elf form. It also included the Cutie Mark Crusaders (in pirate outfits), Lyra, Bon-Bon, and Ditzy. And a bunch of Equestrian soldiers now in pirate outfits.

Scootaloo was, in fact, driving the craft / tree, which had huge sails to catch the wind. And with pegasi onboard, they had whatever winds they needed. Scootaloo wore a black hat and a black jacket and black pants and had a parrot on her shoulder.

"And look!" Apple Bloom said proudly, pointing to her flank. A hammer stood next to a treehouse in an apple tree; the shield of the Cutie Mark Crusaders hung on the treehouse. "Now we just have to get Scootaloo hers! I bet when we have our first aerial battle, she'll get it!" She wore a black buccaneer's hat and a blue miliary jacket with gold trim.

"I'd better!" Scootaloo said.

"Nice job," Applejack said to Apple Bloom. "Granny and Big Mac will be proud of you. Then they'll kill me for letting you into this situation."

Lunette hugged Ivan then came round and hugged everyone. "Twilight, we will need to develop a plan before we reach Marjorie's base. We have to rescue the Radhirajah as fast as we can."

"If we hurry, we may be able to intercept them before they get to her base," Twilight said.

"Aye, Aye, Captain Twilight," Scootaloo said, saluting.

Sweetie now ran up to her father and embraced him. She wore a striped white and blue shirt and had a bandana around her hair. She also had an eyepatch on and a fake wooden leg. "Har!" she said and her father laughed and nuzzled her.

She then ran over to Rarity and I and we snuggled up to her. "What a fearsome pirate you are," I said, grinning.

"Nothing can stop me now!" Apple Bloom said excitedly, tail waggling.

A dangerous sentiment.

We now got stowed away in our quarters. Apple Bloom gleefully pointed out all the traps in the place, intended to deter boarders. Snares, counterweights to fling you off the tree, pit traps (especially bad given how high this thing flies), crashing walls, falling ceilings, the works.

If this stuff goes off in the middle of the night, I will be PISSED.

"Did you really have to make this place so deadly?" Rarity said just a little nervously.

"Well, originally I was planning for a smaller crew. But Uncle K had some suggestions and then things kind of got out of hand," Apple Bloom said.

Ahhaha. Yes.

I heard Fluttershy shriek distantly. Back to normal. Which means... eeee.

And then I realized... I can't actually turn back because Celestia did this. Maybe Twilight could dispel it. But... dammit.

I need HANDS.

Oh, LUNA.

I rounded up Luna once our stuff was stowed. Well, 'Lunette'. We went back to my room and I got Rarity to grapple me, just in case I freak out. "Change me as well," Rarity said to Lunette. "Marcus was kind enough to give me a week; I will give him one now."

She nodded and changed us, while Sweetie watched curiously.

I felt utterly disoriented. I couldn't smell anyone any more. I felt weirdly isolated and I couldn't hear as well and my field of vision had changed and everything looked subtly different somehow.

I panicked and would have run but Rarity held me until my nerves unjangled and Lunette held my hand and Sweetie took my other one with her hooves.

"I love you," Rarity said softly.

I mumbled incoherently, fighting panic. Stupid fear.

"Don't be afraid," Sweetie said. "You're safe here, since Scootaloo isn't allowed to touch the trap controls any more."

Ahahaha.

I AM INSIDE A GIANT FLYING DEATH TRAP DESIGNED BY A CHILD!!!!!!

Rarity's grip tightened and I felt her body pressed against mine and now I thought about how I had thought and... and she... eeeeeeeee.

Scootaloo is piloting this. Ahahaha.

BREATHE.

Rarity licked my neck and my eyes widened and I jumped, then said, "That feels very good," tightly. I had been so... It had excited and scared me at once.

Is it going to be like this every time?

"You will get used to it, but it takes time," Lunette said.

Once again, I cannot keep my own thoughts in my own damn head.

"It's not so bad for me," Rarity said, frowning.

"You haven't just spent a week as a human and then changed back to normal. And you're not as jumpy as Marcus," Lunette said.

She let go of my hand. "Anyway, I'm sure you two will want some privacy," Lunette said. "Come on, Sweetie, let's go make sure everyone is okay."

"But..."

"You can catch up with them a little later," Lunette said, hustling her out.

Thanks, Luna.

***************

"This must be hard on you," I said to her as we sat next to each other on the bed in our cabin, holding hands.

"I miss smelling everyone," she said softly. "How can humans stand to feel so isolated?"

"You get used to it. But now I'm kind of keenly aware of it," I said, raising her hand and kissing the back of it. "Was I tasty?"

She laughed. "Yes," she said softly. "Not in an eatable way but I enjoyed it and I could tell you did."

"You made a good leader," I told her.

"Thank you, darling. I should go see Twilight later, see how she's doing." She sounded worried.

"I think Sweetie wants some of my time later, so you can see how she's doing then," I told her. "While I herd Sweetie."

"I wish we'd gotten to have a proper audience," Rarity said. She sighed. "A chance to show off my wares and my skills, lost."

"I know," I told her. I turned her and kissed her softly, embracing her.

At least this corner of my life is going well, even if the mission fell off a cliff.

Book 6: Ponies Against Deviltry

"Ain't nothing wrong with that!" Applejack said angrily. "What I do helps people!"

"I agree. My family sells food, after all. But it isn't natural. To be civilized, intelligent, that is the antithesis of nature. Nature is the dragon eating ponies because it is hungry, the wolf at the throat of the sheep, the poisonous plants trying to fend off predators. Predators like US. Remember, you may not eat meat but plants are alive too." Apple Blossom swirled her drink and finished it. "Nature is chaos, wild and untamed and dangerous and unlivable by civilized folk like us for long unless we tame it and change its nature. You aren't natural any more than I am."

Applejack clearly had no idea how to answer that.

"RELEASE ME, MORTAL!" Marjorie shouted; she and Flutterdragon sent the clogdancers scampering, though I noticed Pinkamena and Pinkie both worked the disruption into their routine. But poor Mr. Turnip...

"MY CABBAGES!" he shouted as his cart was crushed and his cabbages scattered. He began to cry and Pinkamena tried to comfort him by drawing him into the clog dance with her.

"I will get you more," she promised him urgently. "I know they matter so much to you."

As Pinkamena comforted Mr. Turnip, Spike and Spikey continued their brawl and Rarity and Clarity their arrow duel. Unfortunately, Dragonfly was now chasing Keen Eyes and the remaining soldiers around the room and here came the tide of angry monsters who just wanted to eat everyone.

Worse, Rarity was oblivious to the coming onslaught of a half dozen giant fungal puffballs bouncing along towards her, tossing spores every time they hit the ground; they were green and pink but I suspected they would do far worse than mess up her dress' dye job.

I turned and set them on fire, but this let Sammy knock me down and now he cast a spell and I got grabbed by those damn black tentacles. The burning fungi went crashing into everything and now the place began to catch fire.

Of course it caught fire.

Damn me.

I writhed and Rarity yelled angrily but she was too busy trading shots with Clarity to be able to help me and... okay, Keen Eyes was never going to actually come help me but if the whim had struck him, he was busy anyway. And Twilight was caught in the same damn spell as me.

How the hell does this copy get to be a better wizard than me AND a better swordsman, anyway?

Hopefully, this is where Don Diego bursts in and saves me.

A few screams from me later, it was clear that Don Diego was NOT coming to the rescue this time.

The tentacles got tighter and I cursed everything ever.

But not Rarity, as this isn't her fault.

DAMMIT.

And where the hell is IVAN? Stupid shadow tricks, thinks he's so big, GET ME OUT OF THIS.

****************

LYRA-O-VISION:

You know, this whole riding thing looks a lot easier than it is, though really the spear rig is in the way. I banged into a wall again.

"If you'd stayed a pony, you wouldn't keep hitting the wall," Bon-Bon said irritably.

She has me there, but I have a plan and I need HANDS for it.

It is a simple plan that simply MUST have hands.

However, my difficulties with riding are making me worry.

We reached the engine room before Fire Swallow; it consisted of a lot of complex machinery hooked to giant hamster wheels with earth ponies running to drive the engines. We now concealed ourselves and waited for Fire Swallow.

She now flew in and took a swig from a flask. Fire Swallow was about to spit fire on everything when I strummed my harp and cast Tasha's Irresistible Dance on her.

She is strong of flesh and weak of spirit and began to dance wildly. This is why I stayed in Bardic school despite my sometimes lazy nature.

BECAUSE I LOVE BEING A BARD.

"CHARGE!" I shouted.

As Fire Swallow did the Manehattan Shuffle, Bon-Bon knocked her down with her massive candycane spear; it struck hard as I knew it would, for she commands candy. Then I jumped on Fire Swallow and put my hands over her eyes, wrapping myself around her. When the spell wore off and she tried to rise, she couldn't see, and inside here, she had little room to maneuver.

The two of us grappled her over to where Apple Bloom told us to, then shoved her through a sliding panel into a chute down into trap city.

This is why I need a spell that creates magic hands. This form does have its uses.

Still, victory! I hugged Bon-Bon tightly. "You are the best girlfriend ever," I told her.

She blushed. "You too," she mumbled.

I also need to learn that enlarging spell before I ever try riding Bon-Bon again. Having my legs drag on the ground... not fun.

I hope Dash can... hah, of course Dash can handle Crash. Easy wins for us, I think.

Other than my aching butt.

************

Marcus-O-Vision:

So... I was getting my ass kicked by Twilight's tentacle spell which apparently Dawn Gleaming had taught Sammy but which I have been unable to master. He was busy laughing at me which really pissed me off.

Unfortunately, a surge of fighting spirit does not, in fact, make me more powerful. If anything, it just makes me more frustrated that I am getting my ass kicked by a clone. Or an alternate universe me or whatever exactly the Elements of Power and hangers-on are.

Wait a second. I have an artifact sword. It must do things beyond just hack people and shapeshift, right? I couldn't swing it with my arms pinned but I still had it.

"SWORD! DO SOMETHING! ANYTHING!" I shouted.

Sammy kept laughing as I got crushed.

I got flashes of past lives. Mining for gems deep beneath the earth with my friends. Kissing Dona Carlotta. Sailing off to the Isle of Dread with my party. Freeing my friends in Alphatia. Ivan, Helga, and I drunk off our ass in Glantri City and tearing up a bar for no good reason. Man, that bartender flung so much lightning at us.

However, heartwarming images of good times with those I care about was NOT going to get me out of these tentacles. I don't gain miraculous power from being reminded of my friends, unlike some people. And I can flashback under my own power, anyway. Even when I don't want to.

Of course, I now had a COMPLETE FLASHBACK. Dammit, I need lightning or fire, not MEMORIES!

****************

FLASHBACK-O-VISION:

"See, I know someone who is a really good athlete," Rainbow Dash began.

"I'm sure Applejack would be happy to help you improve your skills," I told her.

"..."

It was pretty obvious, really.

"See, she c..." Rainbow Dash looked at me, then sighed. "We never did quite settle which one of us is the better athlete."

"A good rivalry helps you both improve," I told her. "Anyway, I'm not a specialist like you ponies, so I have to be flexible and find ways to turn weaknesses on people because I never win head-to-head. Even at cards, which I'm good at, I have to outthink people to win."

"Doesn't that mean you're a specialist at out-thinking people?" Rainbow Dash said, grinning.

"I..."

Okay, she has me there.

"I never thought of it like that. Thanks, Rainbow Dash." I couldn't help smiling a little.

**************

BACK TO REALITY FOR MARCUS:

Dammit, that's not even something that happened very long ago! If I have to waste time while being crushed on that...

I saw Captain Keen Eyes get smacked by a huge red-furred bear with vines growing all around it. The vines now grabbed him, raising him up.

And of course his daughters are too busy fighting each other to save him.

I felt my brain smack itself. "Clarity!" I shouted. "Are you going to waste time while your father gets eaten on a duel you know you can't win?" Actually, I couldn't tell who was going to win.

Rarity and Clarity both saw their father now and they both got very angry looking. Then arrows rained down on the bear, which crumbled into a mass of vines. WHAT?

Then they both ran over to him and began shelling the various monsters who were busy whipping the soldier pegasi.

This was good for them...

BUT I WAS STILL BEING CRUSHED.

DAMMIT!

**************

Rainbow Dash's 20% Cooler Point of View:

I'm faster, but I have to say that Rainbow Crash manuevers like crazy. We zigged and zagged through the branches of the tree, trying to get the upper hand on each other, while various weapons tried to shoot her and sometimes nearly hit me. We both crashed into bits of tree; somehow she'd shrunk a little relative to me, giving her more room to manuever, but it wasn't enough.

Distantly, I could hear Ditzy yelling about how that stain would never come out and Cruisin' making pained noises.

Don't know.

Don't WANT to know.

And then I saw Scootaloo come rushing out onto a branch on her scooter; she no doubt wants to help me. Now I have to fight this idiot and protect her at the same time.

"Scootaloo, you are supposed to be driving the ship!" I shouted.

"How am I supposed to drive this thing if the death ray doesn't work and the wave motion cannon only makes ocean noises?" she shouted.

Okay, those are problems, but I still need her out of here.

I whacked my head on a branch. I'm too big... we're both too big to manuever well at much speed in these branches. I could see Crash ram headfirst into a tangle of branches and now was covered in sap and bits of wood.

"Hah, you suck!" I shouted back at her.

Then *I* hit a tangle and now we were both a mess.

Scootaloo was zipping around, positioning herself ahead of us. Because she is crazy. I know how she feels but courting suicide is not a way to get a cutie mark.

Shut up!

*I* knew what I was doing.

"Pass me to port!" Scootaloo shouted.

What the hell does that mean? Isn't a port where ships dock and dump their passengers and goods and take on passengers and goods? Like Manehattan or Baltimare.

Her pirate costume must be warping her mind or something.

But I could certainly pass her. "Take cover! This is a fight for adults!" I shouted.

My Element began to pulse, trying to tell me something.

But I had no clue how to interpret it. It was getting stronger and stronger as I got closer to Scootaloo. The signal, that is. She was glowing. But seemed unaware of it. Crash either couldn't tell or couldn't care or possibly is just too stupid to realize a glow might MEAN something.

She's going to do something insane because she wants to help me.

I suddenly was keenly aware as never before of how much she admires me and looks up to me and wishes she WAS me. I was like that with the Wonderbolts as a kid.

But I didn't get to be around my heroines and heroes when I was a kid. So it never got this intense.

She annoys me sometimes; she wants to hang out but she can't actually DO any of the things I do for fun. But despite me blowing her off all the time, she admires me anyway.

I don't even understand why. Okay, I am cool, but none of the other pegasi kids in town like me THIS much. I'd think it was a crush but she's too young and I can tell it's not. It's loyalty and I don't even know why.

I ought to know why.

I suddenly felt guilty. Which I *hate*. Guilt sucks.

Okay, I'll do this for her. Guide me, Element.

Port is her left. Why? Why not just say left?

I flew close by her to her left. Rainbow Crash chased after me, intent on catching up. And then Scootaloo jumped on her.

"..."

"You crazy kid, what are you doing?" Rainbow Crash yelled.

Scootaloo wrapped herself around Rainbow Crash and leaned. The weight forced Rainbow Crash to arc leftwards and downwards and pretty soon, Scootaloo steered her right out of the tree and across the line of fire of the tree's weapons. Crash dodged them but she got clipped several times and Scootaloo was laughing like a maniac.

I followed after them, worried that Scootaloo was going to get herself fried; she was in the zone, that state of mind where nothing exists but you and your immediate surroundings and actions. I go into the zone all the time and it usually ends with me stuck into a tree or buried under a house.

What used to be a house, anyway.

We plunged through the clouds as Rainbow Crash spun, trying to throw Scootaloo off. But stubbornly, she clung and with a pony body, you can't actually reach someone on your back with your legs. All you can do is buck them. But Scootaloo would not be bucked. Instead, she chivvied Rainbow Crash down and down, faster and faster, until she was zooming at blazing speed towards... the front gates of Marjorie's fortress, set into the cliff surrounding the huge swampy troll-riddled depression known as Trollhattan (according to Marcus and Twilight).

Trolls were watching us, in fact, as we blazed towards the fortress. They looked confused. I'd be confused too if I didn't know Scootaloo. I flew up alongside them. "Scootaloo, you're going to be squashed flat if you keep riding this fool!"

"I'm going to make her go fast enough to do a Sonic Rainboom and blow it open, so we can storm the place!" Scootaloo shouted. "Don't worry! I know what I'm doing!"

"Sonic Rainbooms are MYTHS," Rainbow Crash said. "I tried so hard and I could never do it! Grow up, kid! I'm the fastest flyer in Equestria and I can't do it!" She tried to pull up but Scootaloo forced her to stay on course. "We're both going to die if you don't let me pull up!"

"Wow, you're a really bad copy of Rainbow Dash if you don't have any confidence in yourself," Scootaloo said. She sounded pretty disappointed. "And you SAW Rainbow Dash do one!"

"It had to be a trick!" Rainbow Crash said stubbornly.

Wow, evil-me is a real blockhead. "It's TOTALLY real," I told her. "I kicked your god's ass with it!"

"If by kicked her ass, you mean she's off kicking your friends' ass right now," Rainbow Crash said angrily. "Kid, get off me!"

We were running out of time as the front wall got ever closer. People were shooting arrows at us through slits in the walls but the winds around us deflected the arrows.

Scootaloo got this look.

It's hard to describe but basically, it scared me. A lot. It was an evil schemer look.

She pushed and suddenly, instead of heading for the fortress, Crash plunged downwards towards the swamp. "You idiot!" she said, struggling to pull upwards

I tried to force her up. "Scootaloo, don't be crazy!" I shouted.

"I HAVE A PLAN!" she said, laughing maniacally.

Ack.

We nearly slammed into the ground but suddenly, just before we would have hit, Scootaloo stopped pushing; we now arched upwards but the shifts in air pressure sucked a bunch of trolls off the ground and up into the air, tumbling them along in our wake.

Further, Crash now went EVEN FASTER as Scootaloo kicked her. "I can't do it! We are going to DIE!" Crash shouted.

"You can do it! A copy of Rainbow Dash is STILL Rainbow Dash! You just have to WANT IT," Scootaloo said.

"I'm a master of manuevers but you won't let me manuever!" Rainbow Crash shouted.

"If you don't do it, you'll be crushed and your Princess Marjorie will go down before Rainbow Dash and her friends and you'll have failed her! Do you want that?" Scootaloo shouted. "Do you want to be the one who can't keep up with the others?" She sounded pretty pained. Her wings were flapping like crazy. "Who they can't count on to carry their own weight?"

Scootaloo... I suddenly felt terrible for her. All her friends have cutie marks and are doing incredible things and she can't even fly unless she rides on someone.

"Scootaloo," I said. "Two evil Wonderbolts are attacking the ship. We have to finish this fast or all your friends will be in grave danger if we don't help them. They're counting on you to deal with this. I'm counting on you."

I'm about to take a huge risk. All three of us may well be crushed flat if Scootaloo doesn't rise to the occassion. But she believes in me. And I'm going to believe in her.

I felt a surge of power from my Element and I grew more confident.

"I can do it!" Scootaloo said, smiling brightly and looking utterly determined. Her wings began to beat with an absolutely ferocious speed. That has got to hurt, but she didn't care.

"If I do this, I'm going to level Princess Marjorie's fortress and she'll be pissed even if I do survive to save her!" Rainbow Crash shouted at me as the wind rushed around us.

And that's when I saw the Dragonflies coming in from the North, across the mountains and badlands of the brokenlands. Not the fake Fluttershy. Those insectile flying ships that the Glantrians use. Coming to rob Marjorie's fortress while she's distracted, no doubt. They're flying... some flag. Which has NO significance to me whatsoever, but I assume is Glantrian.

But then they arced upwards towards the clouds.

Towards the Moonraker.

They must want it for themselves.

Which I can understand. It's pretty awesome and they could probably beat the hell out of their enemies with it.

And who's it got to defend it? Lyra, Bon-Bon, Ditzy, some kids, and a handful of soldiers.

And a death ray that doesn't work.

"Crash! The Glantrians are after the kids!"

"What?" she said, then looked. Scootaloo made a noise. "Why did you idiots let the kids come out on this mission, anyway?"

"It wasn't MY idea!" I shouted. "Pull up! We have to stop them!"

"I can't pull up because this kid wants me to..."

It was, in fact, too late to pull up. Even I wasn't going to be able to pull up. Too much yakking, too much accelerating, our only choice is for me to push it and to try to level the fortress enough they could fly through the wreckage.

Except Pinkie's family, Luna, and the Radhirajah may be in there.

FUCK.

"You can do it! Trust me!" Scootaloo practically begged Rainbow Crash. "We can do it together!"

No time to think.

"Do it," Rainbow Crash said, surprising me with the urgency of her voice.

"Grab on and help!" Scootaloo said and I tangled my legs with Crash, effectively turning us into a triple-winged pegasus.

And then the power of my Element flowed through us all.

Here's the thing. With one set of wings, you can only do so much to pull out of a dive.

But with THREE sets, that's another story. I pushed up, Crash pulled up, and Scootaloo threw her weight back and realigned her wings, giving the final push that tipped us from 'DEATH' to 'AWESOME SAVE'. At the last minute, we pulled up and shot up the wall of the fortress, trailing a rainbow. We also flung all those trolls into the front gates, which collapsed. The trolls were squashed flat, but being TROLLS, they began to heal and soon peeled themselves off the doors and ran amok.

Because this is what trolls do best.

"Sweet Heavens," Rainbow Crash said. Rainbow light was whipping around us, forming into a great spinning cone, a giant drill of multi-colored energy, not just my usual colors but with Scootaloo's colors worked into it as well. She stared, eyes wide and then she laughed for joy.

"Good job, Scootaloo," I told her. "You saved us. Like I knew you would."

As we zoomed up towards the dragonflies, Scootaloo began to glow, and her wings suddenly grew larger and stronger and her flank shone like the sun and on it was a ship's wheel made out of rainbow. She flapped them more powerfully and we sped up and the rainbow spun faster around us.

The ships opened fire on us, though many of them were vanishing into the clouds. Dammit. But we hit the rest of them, rushing through their midst and flinging them like tenpins, our rainbow wake smashing them apart.

Some of the crews took to the air with magic or even sprouted wings and a few were pegasi who then saved others.

But a bunch of them were falling to their deaths now.

DAMMIT.

"Split up and save them!" Scootaloo shouted.

"They're going to try and kill your friends!" Crash said, baffled.

"We can't let people die!" she said. "Even if they need a spanking!"

So we split, blazing off to save them and Scootaloo took flight and as she flew, she laughed and so did I.

I hope the kids can handle the rest, though, as this is going to take us a while.

Even at my speeds.

******************

Marcus-O-Vision:

Pinkamena, Pinkie, Sir Lintsalot, Madame LeFlour, Mr. Turnip and Rocky went clog-dancing past me, having forgotten it was a contest and just enjoying themselves.

All well and good EXCEPT I AM BEING CRUSHED.

Admittedly, I will reincarnate, but then Sammy may well kill me again.

At least we won't look like each other then.

OH HOH HOH.

Twilight was being crushed too, while Dawn Gleaming taunted her with... a vocabulary quiz of her knowledge of Nithian?

This is not the time to see who knows what the undeadperfect tense is for!

They'd lost track of us and... oh hoh hoh...

"DAWN GLEAMING!" I shouted, making my sword look just like Sammy's. "Save me, that bastard Marcus has overpowered me!"

"No, I'm Sammy and HE is Samus Marcus!" Sammy protested. He made the tentacles squeeze. "Stop lying!"

I tossed my sword as best I could, making it look like I dropped it. "Oh no, now I can't cut myself loose! He's trying to kill me! Save me Dawn Gleaming! PLEASE!"

Rarity now saw the condition I was in; her father was out of danger, and she was about to come to my rescue when this hideous giant brain with tentacles grabbed her and she had to start fighting it.

GET OFF MY GIRLFRIEND, YOU OVERGROWN GRELL!

Being super-pissed off meant now I could...

Run my blood pressure really high.

Dammit.

Keen Eyes looked right at us and pointed at...

Sammy. "Get over here and save Rarity, you coward! I've always hated you and now I hate you MORE for leaving her here in trouble while you play sex-games with your evil twin!" Keen Eyes roared.

One, for instantly cluing in and helping me like that, I would tip my hat if my limbs were not pinned.

Secondly, phrasing it that way means now I feel incredibly creeped out by this spell and not just crushed by it.

"Sammy! I'm coming!" Dawn Gleaming said, running over.

Which left Twilight free to grab my sword with her magic and cut herself loose. Cue giant lightning swarm blowing Sammy and Dawn Gleaming across the room, OH YEAH.

Rarity now flicked an arrow out of her bags and shot it down the grell's beaked mouth. Huge amounts of foam began to froth and it began to make gurgly noises; it dropped her and began trying to dig the foam out of its mouth.

"Fire-retardant arrow," she told me, smiling.

HAH.

Then she shot me loose and Twilight and I rallied to her side.

I could see Dragonfly; she was trying to do something which seemed to involve hovering in the air, making weird noises and grunting a lot. "Mistress, help me! I want to help you but I can't turn into a dragon!" She looked utterly embarrassed.

"BLAST HER!!!" Marjorie shouted, trying to get loose.

So Dragonshy unleashed a wave of lightning onto Flutterdragon, who yelped and fell off her. Flutterdragon turned and said, "That wasn't nice at all!"

Marjorie flew up to Flutterdragon as Flutterdragon coiled around, readying for a pounce. "My dear little Dragonfly, your loyalty touches my heart." She gently nuzzled Dragonfly, who turned a little red. "I will give you my power and we will blast this FAKE DRAGON to bits." She seemed quite bent out of shape over the impersonation.

"I won't let you hurt my friends!" Flutterdragon said. "If you care about your followers, why aren't you helping them!"

Monsters were, in fact, coming at both our side and theirs and now everyone was running around wildly, trying to avoid being eaten by the seemingly endless tide. Applejack and Apple Blossom were STILL arguing over what it means to be 'natural', I will note.

I'd be pleased she was deeper than I thought if not for the likelihood it will get them eaten while they debate.

"You were trying to CRUSH ME," Marjorie said. "Why were you attacking me instead of helping them?"

"Because you were attacking my friends!" Flutterdragon roared. "I won't let ANYTHING hurt them!"

"We'll see about that!" Marjorie said. "BLAST HER! Then we'll deal with the monsters!"

Dragonfly hurled lightning and now Flutterdragon breathed fire. They met in the air in a giant storm, neutralizing each other. Except that dragons have limited breath and druids...

Can do lightning for a long time.

I had to do something but now Sammy was coming at me again and some kind of freaky devils with beards were after me too.

DAMMIT.

****************

Sweetie's Point of View:

Dinky's mom looked kind of clobbered when she stumbled back onto the bridge, then gave everyone a hoof up. "Cruisin' is down for the count," she said.

Everyone cheered and she smiled. Dinky ran over and hugged her, then ran back to her station.

That's when the Dragonfly Ships flew up out of the clouds and called on us to surrender or be destroyed.

ACK.

"General Hooves, what should I tell them?" the conn officer asked Dinky's mom.

I wondered when she had become a general. But adults often don't tell fillies everything.

Or ANYTHING important, really.

I did a spread of cards. There's a dragon about to attack us. I didn't SEE a dragon but maybe it's invisible. A very powerful dragon. And it's friends.

"Do we have any functional weapons?" Dinky's mom asked, looking panicked.

"All weapons functional except the two main guns, one of which does nothing, while the other makes soothing ocean noises," one of the soldiers said, looking irritated.

"You'd think the store that says it sells EVERYTHING would have demi-liches, but NO, they yelled at me for even ASKING," Apple Bloom said bitterly.

"Dear, you will get ripped off if you believe advertising slogans," Dinky's mom said kindly to her. "Do we have any fighters?"

"We have hanglider troops but they'll be shot down before they can reach the Dragonflies, unless they get a distraction."

Dinky's mother closed her eyes for a few seconds.

"I could make a fog and hide the troops!" Dinky said excitedly.

"If I do a full dive, they would have to follow us into the clouds, and then we'd have cover to launch the gliders!" Twist said.

"The gliders would get lost in the clouds," one of the soldiers said. "Otherwise, that would be great."

"I can lead them," Dinky's mom said. "I am a mailpony and the mail MUST GO THROUGH, in wind and weather, in storm and drang, in pomp *and* circumstance!"

I wonder what 'drang' is.

The marines saluted and followed her as they ran to the glider bays. "Sweetie! Keep our foes distracted until we're ready to dive and launch!"

I ran over to the comm officer. "This is Divination Officer Sweetie Belle of the Moon Raker," I said. "Captain Lunette is busy looting and pillaging. Please repeat your demands in the form of a bulleted list."

"In the form of a what?" a confused, angry man said through the comm line.

"A bulleted list," I told him. Father likes to say that, but I'm not sure what it is. "We can wait if you need to collect enough male cows."

"First of all, there is no such thing as a male cow," the man said to me. "Cows are female BY DEFINITION. Secondly, male cattle are called bulls. I know you all drink milk, so you have no excuse not to know the difference between male and female cattle. Thirdly, I see no point in attaching sling bullets to our demands."

"That's a bulleted list," I told him, trying to be helpful. "Do it like that."

I could hear Twist laughing as she reoriented the propellers for rapid descent when Dinky's mom gives the signal.

"That's a NUMERAL list," he said pedantically, reminding me of Twilight. "Each list item has a number, not a sling bullet. What would even be the point of using a sling bullet?"

"The Equestrian military makes extensive use of bulleted lists," I told him. "Obviously they're more advanced in list technology than a backwater like Glantri. I guess you're just falling behind because you spent all your time making flying machines when pegasi can fly with their wings."

I shouldn't be so mean to the poor man but I have to keep him from thinking about how he could be blowing us up instead of arguing with me.

The pegasi on the bridge all snickered and high-hoofed.

"I will have you know that Glantri has the FINEST military in this region of the Known World!" the man said angrily.

"Don't you always complain they won't give you enough money for the military, sir?" I heard someone say distantly behind him.

I heard the human say something about staying in character; it sounded muffled. He probably put his hand over the speaker.

I did a quick divination draw. The King of Flames. He's some kind of powerful wizard.

"What is your name?" I asked.

"Herr Ukvarth, Dragon Hunter," he said.

"We're not dragons, sir," I said.

"We're ready," Twist said softly.

But Dinky's mother wasn't ready yet.

Or forgot to signal. She can be kind of forgetful.

"You serve a dragon," he said angrily.

"No, no, we're not servants of a dragon!" I said.

"You were just anchored over a major dragon's lair for fun," he said dubiously. "I was not born yesterday." He paused. "Wait, you're Equestrians?"

Are we supposed to be?

"We're dread pirates!" I said. "Completely not affiliated with the Equestrian government AT ALL, and thus it did not send us here, AT ALL." That should cover our tracks.

Why is Twist making the 'you screwed up' face at me?

"Buy us five more minutes, almost ready," came in over the comm line from the glider decks.

"I see," he said. "They'll have no reason to complain when we take your ship, then." He had that moderately obssessed / angry sound Spike gets when you try to keep food away from him when he really wants it. "Certainly you're not putting it to any useful use and I would."

Uh oh.

Umm...umm... CELESTIA'S MOTHER, IF YOU ARE LISTENING, HELP ME! I THINK WE'RE GOING TO DIE!

Flames roared up in a pillar next to the empty Captain's chair and now a red coated Unicorn mare appeared. It was Cunning Thought, Celestia's mother!

"Dear child," she said kindly, nuzzling me. "I never got to give you your present."

"Please, do something! The Glantrians are about to blow us up!"

I could see weapons arming as we spoke.

"Well, I don't have any demi-liches on tap. They're so hard to keep from eating your other pets," she said. She made a bag appear. "But I DO have a Slaad, so it will have to do."

She and Apple Bloom shoved the giant frog monster down a chute into the death-ray engine as it howled and cursed and invoked someone named 'Timrek the Uneasy'. Then we couldn't hear it any more.

The death ray button pinged. "Deathray fully charged," the earth pony now manning Twist's old station said.

"One minute!" Dinky's mom told us remotely.

"This ship is now FULLY ARMED. Surrender or be destroyed!" Apple Bloom said over the com line.

"You would have used it already if you had anything," the man said dismissively. "You surrender."

"Uncle K would be very disappointed if I gave up my treasure without a fight!" Apple Bloom said.

Man, Scootaloo's going to be disappointed she missed this.

"Ready!" Dinky's mom shouted.

"FIRE!" I shouted.

Apple Bloom hit the Death Ray Button with her tail.

For a moment, nothing happened, but then....

A huge rainbow wave of ever changing rays of light erupted from the death ray cannon. Trees began to rain from the sky. Dogs and cats were living together on the wings of the Dragonflies. One of the Dragonflies turned into a winged sheep. One of them began firing brightly colored streamers at us.

"Oh god, I'm a TURTLE!" someone shouted.

"I can see the blank spaces between the lines!" someone shouted distantly. "When you speak!"

"What have you done? WHAT IS THIS?" Herr Ukvarth shouted. I heard someone meowing behind him. He took his pet cat on the mission?

"DIVE!" I shouted.

"THIS IS CHAOS!" Cunning Thought shouted over the comm line, laughing and laughing and laughing.

And then we dove into the clouds and the gliders launched as the Dragonflies tried to descend after us. We could hear the battle but not see it.

"Sensors indicate it will take one day to fully recharge the Chaos Gun," the officer at Twist's station said.

"Thank you," I said to Celestia's mother. "You saved us."

"You all saved yourselves. You had a good plan, I just made it easier. You should all be proud of yourself. I know my daughter will be pleased with you all." Cunning Thought said grandly.

"Are you really Princess Celestia's mother?" Twist said, shocked.

"I am indeed," she said and now everypony bowed to her.

I started to bow, but she said, "You need not bow, dear little one. Look at your cutie mark."

It had CHANGED. I was stunned. Now each of the cards was a Queen of one of the suits. At the scale, it was hard to tell, but the Queen of Stones had red hair and the Queen of Winds had purple hair like Scootaloo and the Queen of Waters had blonde hair and the Queen of Flames had pink-purple mixed hair like me and the Queen of Shadows had hair like Twist's.

"Cutie marks can CHANGE?" Twist said, stunned.

"Not so much a change as a revelation. Your destiny is chosen and set now. Scootaloo got her cutie mark," Cunning Thought said kindly. "The five of you, one day, will be great. You shouldn't count on me to always be there, for I am very busy helping many others, but I will always be your friend and helper."

Lyra and Bon-Bon now reached the bridge. "What's going on?" Lyra asked. "Why did..." She saw Cunning Thought and her jaw dropped. "I... you..."

Bon-Bon said, "It's a pleasure to meet you, ma'am. Are you one of Big Macintosh's relatives?" She paused. "Oh, you're a unicorn," she said and sounded VERY embarrassed.

"Well, if he and my daughter get married one day, I will be," she said, smiling. "I wish Celestia luck. Men can be hard to deal with."

Bon-Bon looked stunned.

"She is CUNNING THOUGHT," Lyra said urgently. "She's Celestia's mother!"

"I know, I met her before," I said. "Don't worry, she's very nice."

Lyra flailed her arms in the air, then grabbed her own head with her hands. I do not understand why.

"I could make you a human if you like, forever," Cunning Thought said kindly to Lyra. "Your lady friend too, of course."

Lyra looked very tempted, which seems weird to me. Though I admit I am kind of curious what it would be like. Rarity seems to like it.

Bon-Bon, though, looked crushed.

"Bon-Bon isn't interested in being a human all the time, thank you," Lyra said weakly. "And I won't leave her behind. This is fun for me, but it has to be a part-time thing. I love her and I won't leave her behind, even for... " Her voice trailed off. "Not for anything." She ruffled Bon-Bon's mane and Bon-Bon smiled.

And then there was a swirl of shadows and Lunette, the Ghostly Gang, and the Radhirajah stepped out of the shadows.

"Okay, what's going on here? We secured... MOTHER?" Lunette said, staring, mouth open wide.

"Darling, I am enjoying this glorious mess you have made," Cunning Thought said. "Come and give your mother a hug. I love you so much, Luna." Her voice was very warm and kind.

"Mother, get away from that filly," Lunette said angrily, striding towards us. "Clyde, take the Radhirajah to a secure room and keep him safe. I will deal with mother."

The Ghostly Gang grabbed the hapless looking Radhirajah and vanished through the floor.

"It's okay! She's very nice, really!" I guess Princess Luna and Princess Celestia must have had a big fight with their mother and never made up.

I have to help them!

"Mother says you should never go to bed angry with each other," I told them. "You should hug and make up."

Cunning Thought dropped down to squat on her hind legs and held her forelegs out for a hug. "Come and get a hug, dear. Everyone else forgave you for trying to create Eternal Night, so I forgive you too."

This just seemed to make Lunette even ANGRIER.

"Don't mock me, mother," Lunette said angrily.

"Sir... ma'am, General Hooves is leading a glider attack on the Glantrian dragonflies right now," one of the soliders said. "She could probably use your support."

"GO," Lunette said, pointing at her mother.

"You should at least give her a hug before she goes," I said solemnly to Lunette.

"Mommy and I love to hug all the time!" Dinky said proudly.

"It's okay," Cunning Thought said, nuzzling me. "I'll see you later, Sweetie. You need to feed the Slaad a bushel of garbage a day or it'll try to eat its way out of the Chaos Gun Engine."

"Okay," I told her. I know how important feeding pets is. One time, I had to take care of Opalescence and...

Umm...

Well, I don't have pet fish any more because I forgot to feed her.

Let's leave it at that.

"You gave Sweetie a SLAAD for a pet?" Lunette said, mouth open wide.

"It's not for Sweetie, it's for your ship, dear," Cunning Thought said. "Though I should get you a pet, my darling daughter. And tell Celestia it's traditional to date someone who resembles your FATHER, not your mother." She nuzzled me, then stepped back and vanished into a pillar of fire which soon vanished. As she faded, she shouted to Apple Bloom, "You can tell Keraptis that I'm impressed by how much he taught you! Good job, Apple Bloom!"

She beamed brightly.

Oh man, she didn't get to give me a present again!

But I shouldn't be greedy, so I won't nag.

Also, I think I may have to keep Princess Luna... Dread Pirate Lunette... from exploding.

But I'm good with people. That's what Mother and Father both always tell me!

I hope this will make them proud.

*****************

Applejack-O-Vision:

I looked around gloomily at the chaos; everypony was running around, zapping monsters or trying to avoid being eaten, while Fluttershy the Dragon duelled determinedly with Dragonfly and Marjorie. It wasn't going well for her but the rest of us were trying to avoid being killed.

I myself was being chased by this huge yellow puffball fungus creature which bounced around off the walls like an animate cue ball (painted yellow) from a game of pool.

Apple Blossom ran alongside me, continuing to hammer away at me with words. "If you really wanted to be natural, you'd stop talking and go live in a wild herd where some male pony ran the show and chased off any rival males and you had to compete with a bunch of other women for his affections. Like our totally natural ancestors did."

I grimaced at that. It ain't that I don't like stallions; I like me a good strong hard-working man. But finding one who wants to farm apples who ain't already my kin ain't easy. Seems like they either just want to bump rump and run or they DO like me but they can't see buckin' apples the rest of their life.

Dammit. I really liked Coltson too.

I guess I'm married to my farm.

The farm I OUGHT to be at right now.

But life keeps pulling me away from it.

"I should just buck the hell out of that damn puffball," I grumbled.

"It will spew spores onto us and tiny puffballs will eat their way out of our flesh," Apple Blossom said to me.

Which is why I haven't done it. "If yer so great, why don't YOU do something about it?"

"If I try and use my fighting skills, they require contact like yours, even if they are more graceful. And I fear my superior social skills do not, in fact, work on giant fungus bouncing balls," she said ruefully.

"So much for your superior city education," I said, frustrated.

"And I don't see YOU doing anything either," Apple Blossom said irritably.

The building being ON FIRE did not make me any happier, either. It was hot and I was sweating. Not honest work sweat but 'Applejack is overheating and about to get heat exhaustion due to fire' sweat.

"Drink," Apple Blossom said, flinging a bottle into my mouth.

I drank. It was orange brandy, I think, in a small snack-sized bottle. I felt better, though, refreshing my fluids.

Or maybe I was too drunk to care now. "Thanks," I said. I do have manners, you know.

I was suddenly keenly aware my ancestors would have been killed by this thing before they got changed by humans. They were a lot closer to those non-sentient ponies and horses a lot of human communities have. They're a little creepy but also endearing. I guess for us it's like with humans and monkeys. Close and yet so far.

I ain't natural. That cuts to the quick. Whether I am a country girl or a city girl, either way, I got changed from what nature intended, a long time ago.

But being like those pet ponies... that ain't natural for me. I dunno what is natural or not.

I do know my friends are in trouble and need me to act, not to just whine and feel sorry for myself like that fool I dated in high school. I dunno WHAT I was thinking.

He was cute, I was young, I got urges, everyone does, right?

Watchin' this thing bounce after us, it had a very predictable bouncin' pattern. I could exploit that.

"I gotta plan," I told my evil twin. "You gotta stick by my side, follow me exactly." This was gonna be kinda risky.

We raced around the room, dodging monsters and shouts and chaos, while Fluttershy the Dragon and her evil twin and Marjorie flew around zapping each other above us. I spotted a fire and ran for it.

"We can't run through that fire!," Apple Blossom said in a panic.

"Gonna have to jump it at just the right time, so our new friend lands in it," I told her.

"I'm not good at jumping," she confessed.

"You'd better learn fast," I said. "Don't worry, I'll help you."

In fact, I scooped her up and we LEAPED over it. It wasn't natural. But there's more important things than what's natural, like helping kin and friends and folks and fighting for those you love. Each and every one of my friends would help me with this thing if they could and I'd do the same for them.

And really, Apple Blossom ain't evil, she's just kinda vain and stuck up. I just clash with her because she's a low-budget version of Rarity.

My element surged, I could feel it, and we cleared the fire by a mile. Which is good, as it made me pretty nervous. Something in a pony's gut knows to stay away from fire.

The puffball, runnin' on instinct, couldn't think to avoid the fire and it burned up, obeying its nature and dying.

I'm a pony. I have instincts. Natural or not, they guide me. But I'm also a thinking animal. And I can overcome those instincts, like fear of fire, when I have to. I am what I am, wherever that am came from, so to speak.

"Look, if we all keep fighting each other, these crazy things are gonna eat us all," I told Apple Blossom. "We gotta talk your boss down. At least for now. Deal?"

We shook hooves. "Deal," she said. "So, I wasn't able to shake you," she said, disappointed.

"You shook me pretty good," I told her. "I needed a good mental bucking, knock some rotted branches down. I've got a clearer head, thanks to you, sister," I told her. "Now, let's see about settlin' this riot."

How we're gonna get Marjorie's attention... that's another question.

*****************

Ivan's Point of View:

I would like to say that Niccolo and I had a graceful, elegant battle full of barbed wit and clever sayings.

What we actually had was a brutal knockdown drag-out brawl up the stairs in the library, where we'd basically adjourned from the chaos to get down to mauling each other.

Hopefully no one really wanted the remaining items here as we were busy throwing them at each other, hitting each other with chairs, etc. He'd tried to psych me out, he'd failed, and now he was slowly getting his ass kicked because he couldn't get the mental edge on me.

He probably would have, if I hadn't met Luna. I've never been very strong willed. That's how I let Cufen... Marcus... whatever he is now... drag me into all these things. He'd have some crazy idea and I'd tag along because that's what I do.

It was fun, he was a good pal, and I was young enough to do crazy things just to show how badass I was.

Until I tried to go home. I wasn't going to stay; I just wanted to show off.

I never got there because I saw too many things which reminded me what a mess my homeland is. It's getting better but there's still a lot of bad things going down and it isn't just Thyatians oppressing Traladarans. We do it to each other too.

I had to decide, if I was going to do something about it or not.

After seeing a village starving because its lord wouldn't let them grow food because he wanted to grow expensive crops for export, I made my choice. Lord Valescu probably still wonders where all his money went. Assuming he's actually made it back from Norwold, yet.

Damn, shipping rates are HIGH.

I'm guessing that 'Niccolo' decided to see about taking his wealth and wiggling into the aristocracy. Not me. I'm going to bring them DOWN.

Marcus would probably try to find out Niccolo's backstory, work his mind, bring him around. He'll probably end this by stealing Dawn Gleaming from Sammy and run off with all the ponies he can find.

Then they'll kick his ass for doing something stupid.

That's Marcus for you. He's crazy but he's my best friend, so that's why I'm here fighting my evil twin in a library. Well, also because I want to help Luna.

I find it odd that I feel a kinship to a divine pony who is Loki's daughter, but we both sought immortality for exactly the same reason. Our people were being crushed by wolves (metaphorically) and we wanted the power to help them.

For all that Sind deserves a huge shaking up, I won't let Marjorie pit them against Equestria. It's not perfect, but it's a good country. Stupid dragon. I do not know how we're going to stop her, though. If she's an Immortal, and she likely is, she's beyond mortal power. Though hopefully Luna can neutralize her.

Marcus will probably try to get her to date him.

He is the definition of inability to keep it in your pants.

Though seeing Rarity as a human, I can see why. Or Lunette.

Focus.

My musing got me hit in the head with some sort of encyclopedia, but I knocked him down with a chair and then jumped on him, rolling around, until he threw me into a bookcase. It fell on me and I slipped into the shadows as Luna taught me. It feels creepy when I do this, flickering from shadow to shadow. I about screamed when she first showed me this.

I'm not even sure how it works. Something to do with the plane of shadow or something... I'm going to have to ask for metaphysics lessons once this is over. I know some things, I've been trying to study but it doesn't come easily to me.

"Running away? Not surprising," Niccolo said. But while his words were light, he stayed wary. Smart man.

I jumped him from behind and pinned his arms, then banged his head on the table. "Give up. I don't want to kill you."

"I never give up," he said stubbornly.

We have one thing in common.

So I beat him down until he passed out, then dragged him down the stairs. I am going to have to stash him in someone's bag. Not a very elegant victory but I need to pitch in and help with the real fight. I expect Marcus has accidentally married Marjorie AND the bone devil by now.

And it'll be my job to get him out of it.

******************

Marcus-O-Vision:

I was riding Twilight and Rarity was riding her father, Captain Keen Eyes, both of them enlarged, of course, while Spikey AND Spike rode on Clarity, breathing fire everywhere. We were plowing through eldritch horrors. How many of these damn things are there?

That being said, if I have to fight endless tides of fungus, extraplanars, plant monsters and giant insects, this is a pretty good squad for it.

But I have to do something to help Flutterdragon. She's basically being overwhelmed but none of the rest of us can get up there to help her. "Twilight, we have to help Fluttershy," I said as I cut down a giant tiger beetle and Spike burned the remains.

"Cover us," Twilight said to the others. "I am going to get Marjorie's attention." She enlarged herself further, until she was as big as Celestia. I licked my lips nervously as she did so; I could feel the power throbbing through her.

But then Applejack shouted up at Marjorie. "Hey, your highness, we gotta make a truce or we're all gonna get 'et!"

"She's right," Apple Blossom shouted. "We can settle our differences later when we're not in danger of being eaten!"

"I won't let you trick me!" Marjorie shouted. "Or let this FAKE dragon challenge me!" She sounded quite angry over that.

Applejack closed her eyes and then when she opened them, they glowed. "I am the Element of Honesty and I swear by my Element and by the power of Harmony itself that we will not betray or backstab you if you help us stop this menace before it destroys us and your servants, the Elements of Power. Don't you care about them?" I could feel the truth of her words, her honesty. You couldn't deny it. There was no room to hide from it.

"I... I..." Marjorie's voice wobbled and she looked down at how battered and torn everyone was, how her own followers were scattered while she obsessively focused on destroying Flutterdragon, who was a mess herself. She looked at herself and said to Dragonfly, "These things can't be natural, can they?"

"I haven't seen where they came from, but I am wondering why they hadn't already killed each other off and why they're cooperating," Dragonfly said.

"I THINK WE NEED TO FIND OUT," Applejack said, her voice echoing oddly. Twilight stared at her and I got this odd shivery feeling. "ISN'T IT THE JOB OF DRUIDS TO PUT AN END TO THREATS TO NATURE?" she said.

Dragonfly gulped as if a student being dressed down by the headmaster. "Yes," she said weakly.

"AND OF IMMORTALS TO DEAL WITH THREATS TO THIS DIMENSION?" Applejack said.

"Yes," Marjorie said. "But I didn't do it!"

"I DID NOT SAY YOU DID. THEY WOULD NOT BE ATTACKING BOTH SIDES. WHICH MEANS WE HAVE A MUTUAL FOE," Applejack said. "CAN WE NOT MAKE A DEAL?"

"My little ponies," Marjorie mumbled, then looked stunned.

Spend too much time in a form and it starts getting into your brain, I thought. I've seen that.

"YOU DON'T LIKE SEEING THEM HURT."

Marjorie looked mortified, but then she looked down at Dawn Gleaming, Clarity, Pinkamena, everypony one by one. "AGREED," she said, her voice booming to match Applejack's. "WE WILL DEFEAT THIS THREAT AND THEN SETTLE OUR DISAGREEMENTS AFTERWARDS. ELEMENTS OF POWER! RALLY TO ME!"

Apple Blossom's nostils flared. "Well done, sister," she said, sounding honestly congratulatory.

And then we rallied all our forces. Ivan appeared from whereever the hell he's been goofing off and handed a potion to Flutterdragon. She downed it all and some of her wounds healed up. "I didn't mean to take it all," she said. "Now you don't have any!"

"You needed it," he said to her, then stuffed Niccolo in her bags. "You'd better take a form which will fit downstairs.

Flutterdragon became Fluttershy and now we all began pushing against the tide; we had to get to its source. Before it was too late.

***************

Ditzy-Vision-Redux:

They really need to install proper safety glass on these Dragonflies. When I kicked the window in, it flew everywhere in jagged shards! Somepony could get hurt!

Mind you, one of the crew was now a highly armored turtle, another one had turned two-dimensional and a third was now a tree.

Fluttershy will be very jealous.

Herr Ukvarth now had a duck on his head. In fact, I think he was wearing Fluttershy's duck hat. But how could he have even stolen it?

For a few seconds, we stared at each other through the broken window. Then he grimaced. "YOU," he said. "I know you! You're the infamous extradimensional criminal Derpy Hooves!"

"I am not a criminal and that is not my name and I don't even know how this got started! Also, your vehicle is TOTALLY unsafe for children. Look at that broken glass!" I said. "Someone could cut themselves!"

For a moment, there was a deep and terrible silence.

Then the two surviving allies of Herr Ukvarth drew wands on me. "Waste her?" one of them said.

"YES," he said and pulled out a black metal rod, shaped like an L, which spat lightning. Another one shot a stream of acid and the third shot glowing arrows at me.

So I whipped the cloud into a bubble shield and listened to them burst as I rose up to one side, then landed on one of the wings. The whole vehicle rolled over now and I heard yelping and something about roots.

Now it began to plummet, unable to fly upside down, unlike me.

Which means they're going to fall to their death.

This kind of forgetfulness is why my pay gets docked half the time at work.

Frantic jumping got it righted, much lower down in th cloud, before they could all die.

Herr Ukvarth now gave a cry like a man who has seen the end of time and space.

I know this because I've been there and watched someone see it.

I nearly fell in too but the Doctor saved me.

"ENOUGH!" he shouted. "NO MORE SUBTLETY!"

If this was subtlety... oh dear.

First I saw a bunch of bright flashes inside the Dragonfly. Then a huge dragon with crystalline blue scales erupted out of it, breaking it to bits. Two men rode it, the ones from before; one had a sling bag over one shoulder with a tree branch sticking out of it.

It was HUGE and ANGRY and I guess Herr Ukvarth summoned it, except I don't see him anywhere. Did he turn into it?

"HOOVES! YOU WILL FINALLY PERISH FOR YOUR MANY CRIMES AGAINST LAW AND ORDER."

"No pony will ever kneel to tyrants again!" I shouted defiantly, my knees knocking. I am going to be eaten and Dinky is going to have to go live with her father, who will probably sell her to buy paint and then I will be punished in the afterlife forever for being a BAD MOTHER.

He sounded crazed, like someone pushed too far. "YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO KNEEL BECAUSE YOU WON'T HAVE ANY LEGS." And then he spat lightning at me. I got clipped as I fled and then the thunderclap which followed sent me tumbling through the mist, to where he couldn't see me.

So I bolted upwards, hoping I could warn everyone in time.

*****************

Marcus-O-Vision:

Fighting through the endless hordes of monsters would have taken us forever, but Twilight had a clever plan. She teleported us all; I would have expected this to tire her out, but she was only a little winded by it. Her eyes were glowing and she looked determined.

We landed just outside the door into the restricted area. Creatures were being herded out by humanoid figures covered in chains; chain devils. Beyond, you could see a sickly purple glow and labs crowded with monsters.

For a second, they stared at us in shock, then one of them said, "Agents of law AND chaos? Working together? The Daydream Dimension is even more insane than Master Baalzebul said!"

"SERVANTS OF NIGHTMARE," Marjorie bellowed in an echoing voice. "LAW AND CHAOS STAND TOGETHER TO DEFEND THIS DIMENSION AGAINST THE INTRUSION OF YOUR KIND INTO IT. THIS IS WHY THE IMMORTALS EXIST. DEPART IMMEDIATELY OR BE DESTROYED!"

"This world will belong to Master Baalzebul! Your own kind opened the way!" the chain devil shouted.

As I understand it, devils serve the Masters of the Nightmare Dimension. The Masters are to them as the Immortals are to us. But in the Nightmare Dimension, there is only one Sphere aligned with law instead of four, known as the sphere of Order. And they're the troublemakers of the system, instead of Entropy and Chaos, which is divided into four spheres. Devils serve the Masters of the Sphere of Order, mostly. (Demons mainly serve the Immortals of Entropy in our dimension.)

That explains why all these monsters are fighting together; they're under the influence of Nightmare Order. The way sometimes in your dreams, everyone is out to get you.

At least in my dreams.

Who the hell could have opened the way except the Bone Devil, though?

The guy who summoned it and probably blew a hole into the Nightmare Dimension, then tried to seal it off.

ACK.

YOU STUPID NITHIAN MORON!

I think I know what ACTUALLY happened to Rathanhotep. He got eaten by the Nightmare Dimension, that's what.

From inside the chamber beyond, Pinkie now said, "Hey, if I throw a muffin into this huge glowing hole, it turns back into the stuff I made it from!"

The chain devil monster chivviers froze up.

"WHAT AM I DOING IN HERE?" Mr. Turnip shouted from the room in a panic. "No, you can't have my cabbages, you crazed howler monkey!"

Wild ululating now echoed through the air.

Pinkamena, Pinkie, and the half-real gang had somehow all gotten ahead of us into the room.

"KEEP HER AWAY FROM THE GATE!" Someone shouted in the room and now all hell, of course, broke loose.

***************

Luna-O-Vision:

As I tensely tried to monitor the battle within the limits of this mortal identity and the ship's capacities, I felt a growing confidence at first. Our forces were taking out the Dragonflies and the attack was going well. For us, that is.

Then Ditzy emerged from the fog shouting about how she's sorry and she'll never be late to work again and something about flowers. This couldn't bode well.

In fact, it boded the arrival of a massive Sapphire Dragon. THAT didn't bode well, especially because it had Glantrians riding on it and... is that a tree? Does he have a sling bag of holding with a tree in it?

This really shouldn't surprise me, given what the ESS Moonraker is.

"We need to use the Chaos Ray!" Dinky said urgently. "We have to save Mom!"

"It won't recharge for hours," Apple Bloom said. "And the Wave Motion Cannon... doesn't work like I thought it would. And he's kind of big for most of my traps... Maybe we could feed him that cake Scootaloo tried to make."

"I already disposed of it as a health hazard," I told them. "Lyra, any chance you could charm a dragon?"

"Ahahahaha," she said nervously. "I could try. It beats just being eaten."

I am restricted in the power I can deploy in this form, or even my Luna body. Under the rule of the Immortals. And Celestia and I prefer to encourage ponies to take the lead when possible. It is our duty to help them to raise themselves up, not to simply protect them as you do children.

"AHAH," Apple Bloom said. "I have a PLAN. Dinky, you can carry something light inside your bubbles, right?"

"Yes," Dinky said.

"We can feed him some of the candy, then trick him into shapeshifting into something else!" Apple Bloom said.

"Put it inside a hunk of meat," Lyra said.

"He'll suspect it's poisoned if we just offer him meat," I told them.

"Oooh, if he sticks his head into a glider bay, I can shut the door on him and someone can throw it down his throat while his head is stuck," Apple Bloom said.

Rainbow Dash is nearby, but I don't know if she's free.

"I have hands," Lyra said. "I can do it."

"You will distract him as best you can with music," I told her. "Then I will throw the candy; I can sneak in close to him like this."

We rushed down, with me casting a spell to link me to Apple Bloom so she could trigger on my command and telling Ditzy to make for the hanger.

Lyra began playing a tune as the dragon and Ditzy came into sight. I slinked into the shadows.

o/~ You're going to love me

o/~ With all of your heart,

o/~ Love forever will bind us

o/~ Never will we part.

The dragon's eyes flickered but he threw off the spell with ease.

Ditzy, however, got hearts in her eyes! "Oh yes, my love!" she shouted and bee-lined for Lyra.

Lyra froze up.

"Fools! This ship will be mine and the ETHENGARIANS WILL BE DESTROYED!" the dragon shouted.

Oh hoh hoh. This dragon must work for Jagger. I'd heard rumors he studied Dracology. It's a secret art where you gain dragon-like powers and eventually can turn into a dragon.

In fact, this might be Jagger.

Someone's not used to controlling his transformation, I think.

Lyra and Ditzy wildly dodged acid but the one with the glowing arrow wand, the arrows chased them, nailing them both in the posterior. They stumbled around shouting.

The hangar door came down CRUNCH. It won't hold him more than a few seconds. But that's enough.

I darted in and threw the candy down his throat. Then he blew me across the room with lightning.

"PRINCESS LUNA!" Ditzy said in a panic.

I haven't actually been really hurt in a long time, not counting when I was Nightmare Moon and the Elements blasted me. That felt strangely good.

This did not.

Now Apple Bloom said, "Surrender or I will turn you into a cute fluffy kitten!" over the loudspeakers.

"A cute fluffy kitten?" he said.

Blink, cute fluffy kitten.

The two guys on his back now plunged down the side of the Moonraker, though Applebloom caught them with a net.

"You probably think this is funny," the dragon-kitty squeaked. He had dark blue fur and black ears.

"SO CUTE," Ditzy said and started to run over.

Then he turned back into a dragon.

"CHEATER!" Apple Bloom said as he tore the hangar apart. Ditzy saved Lyra and I leaped onto his back.

"Are you dragon or dracologist?" I asked him.

"I am Storm Front the Mighty!" he shouted.

Never heard of him but that could mean a bluff or that he's just a Sapphire I don't know.

Ditzy hugged Lyra tightly. "My dear sweet love!"

"Aargh, Ditzy, it wasn't supposed to affect you!" Lyra said. "I have a girlfriend!"

"It's okay! I can share!" Ditzy said. "Dinky will be happy to have three mommies!"

Lyra laughed nervously.

"Storm Front, this is an Equestrian Ship. Do you wish to experience the wrath of Equestria?" I said.

"It's a ship with Equestrians in it. It's not on the official registry," he said. "And you've violated several countries' airspace if this IS an official ship."

He tried to buck me off and I clung to him.

And then Rainbow Dash, Rainbow Crash, and Scootaloo flew up together to us. "Hey, dragon," Rainbow Dash said.

"My divination tells me that he likes cheese!" Sweetie Belle said, sounding frustrated. "Cards, I need a better answer." I had a tap running to the bridge as well. Magic has its benefits.

"One of the Elements of Harmony," Storm Front said, then frowned. He blinked. "There are two of you."

"And me!" Scootaloo said proudly.

"You are irrelevant compared to them," Storm Front said.

Scootaloo frowned. "I have a cutie mark and I WILL KICK YOUR ASS!"

One of the Rainbows held her back. Dash, I think.

"There's two of us because we move so fast we are always in two places at once," Rainbow Crash said.

"Oh Lyra, let's go make a love nest!" Ditzy said.

"Take me somewhere stable so I can dispel this!" Lyra said frantically.

Ditzy flew off with Lyra, no doubt looking for a stable.

He eyed their necklaces. I wondered again if Crash's necklace does anything or if it's just jewelry. We're still not fully sure of their nature.

"We dumped off all the falling guys," Dash said to me. "So they won't go splat."

"SPLAT," Scootaloo said enthusiastically.

"Mercy in war is the Equestrian way," I said to Storm Front as he opened his mouth.

"Thank you," he said roughly. "But I must have your ship."

"Do you really think you can take this without destroying it?" Bon-Bon said from the wreckage of the hangar. What is she doing here? She advanced as close as she could, candy-cane spear rig on her back. "We will fight with all our strength. Maybe you can take us, but even if you do take it, the rest of the Elements of Harmony will return."

He frowned at that.

"And we both know they defeated an Immortal. Are you immortal?" she asked Storm Front. "Is this place really worth leaving your men in a monster-infested swamp next to a dragon's fortress so you can destroy this place trying to capture it?"

He peered down through the mists, frowning.

"Of course, you might think clearer if you went back to your natural body instead of letting your dragon form think for you," she continued. "It's seductive, I know. I've been there." She shivered a little.

"I would fall to my death," Storm Front said, but now he frowned more.

"Then land and change," she said. "I promise you won't be attacked."

I nodded. "We are willing to negotiate. It is the Equestrian way."

He studied her curiously. "You are a shapeshifter?"

Nervously, she pulled a candy out of her pack and ate it, then turned into a human.

A naked human, since she wasn't wearing any clothing, except a necklace. Okay, a mostly naked human wearing a candy cane rig. It was rather silly looking but she was, of course, utterly shameless, being a pony and used to nudity.

"Come here," she said softly. "We can talk this out, I'm sure."

He put his paws over his eyes, which was the cutest thing I have seen in a long time. "Young lady, you are naked."

"I was naked before," she said.

He cast a spell and she was now clad in an elegant Aalbanese style military uniform.

Then he flew over and turned into Herr Ukvarth. He stumbled, then grimaced. "I see," he said, sounding calmer now.

"I know. This body tells me all sorts of things, but I don't have to listen and neither do you," she said to him.

He sighed and looked at me. "Let us forget this ever happened," he said. "I will say nothing if you will not."

"I will say nothing," I told him, shaking hands with him. Thank you, Bon-Bon, I thought.

Bon-Bon now began talking quietly to him about her experiences. This is a sight I'd never have thought I would see today.

Now I need to find out how everyone is doing at the tower. And decide on a response.

**************

Pinkie-O-Vision:

"Man, this is the best toy ever," I said, throwing a rubber chicken through the portal just to see what would happen.

I never found out because Pinkamena suddenly shrieked. So did our mutual friends, as they suddenly flickered into being shadows instead of people, then back, then into shadows again.

For a few seconds, I stared at them in horror. Then I realized that devils and monsters were both rushing towards the portal from the other side AND from our side.

I could hear fighting outside the large laboratory, where the air was torn by a roughly circular gash in the air; beyond it was a huge city of iron and stone buildings; a perpetual drizzle fell and the streets teemed with monsters being herded by devils.

But I couldn't try to do anything about that yet, because my first priority had to be to keep my friends and Pinkamena from evaporating.

Somehow.

I had NO CLUE what to do.

ELEMENT, DO SOMETHING! I shouted at it. Normally, I just do my thing and it helps. But all I know is bardic magic and half the time I even forget I have that.

I began playing a wake up song and singing about not evaporating. It really was NOT my best work. But I felt power surge and everyone solidified. I could hear shouting in the hallway and Marjorie sounding really angry. But I ignored that and focused on keeping my friends from evaporating. And my sister.

"Pinkamena, you have to stop them while I keep you alive," I told her.

She nodded and turned to the portal, while Sir Lintsalot, Rocky, Mr. Turnip, and Madame LeFlour formed a perimeter. They began clobbering monsters while I sang and played and Pinkamena studied the onrushing forces.

"If you kill him," she said to one devil, who was on fire, "Your bosses will write him off as a casualty of fighting us and you can take his power."

He didn't jump the other, but now they eyed each other warily and began herding their monsters to accidentally collide, leading to them accidentally eating each other. Soon, a giant monster brawl was clogging traffic, at least for the moment.

"That was kind of a mean thing to say," I said to Pinkamena. VERY mean.

"These are Devils. They would hang our souls up and torture us for a thousand years," Pinkamena said flatly. "I do what I must to hold this line until we are reinforced."

"Yes, but there is such a thing as going too far," I told her. "Egging people on to fight each other is BAD, sister." I continued playing frantically. "It's why I didn't want to have to fight you."

"You fight your way, I will fight mine," she said. More softly, she said, "Thank you, sister."

"For what?" I said and now she began to cry and I don't even know why.

Fire rushed around us, frying several fungi and a giant beetle, but a devil with huge horns and a pitchfork didn't care and rushed right at Marcus and Twilight as Twilight blew the doorway in and made her own highway into the room. She's so huge like that, nearly as big as Celestia and far angrier.

Celestia's big, though, is comforting, whereas Twilight's big was kind of scary, though I know she'd never hurt me.

She grabbed the devil with magic and held him in place, then Marcus stabbed him and he began to burn from the blow. Marcus looked surprised, then pleased. The devil fled and I let him escape through the portal. Better they run away, right? He was still burning, though.

"Don't worry, I will dispel this," Twilight said. She concentrated and even I, the Earth Pony, could feel the wave of magic.

And I saw the portal get bigger.

Twilight's jaw dropped and so did Marcus'.

A flock of winged devils with spears flew down from the other side of the portal, but arrows punctured their wings, causing them to crash, then returned to Rarity and Captain Keen Eyes. The rest of our friends were breaking in and now Marjorie stormed towards the portal, studying it.

"It ate my power and got bigger," Twilight said, frustrated.

Marjorie reached out at it and it grew again. She looked extremely frustrated. Devils rushed at her and she hurled acid at them; they ran screaming as it ate away at them. OWW. Man, she can be mean.

We held the line for a few minutes; with our forces here, we could repel the attacks, but more and more kept coming forwards. Some of our people were rearguard against the monsters we'd bypassed and Marjorie sent a message to Rainbow Crash and Twilight to Rainbow Dash, hoping they were both still conscious.

They soon joined us; Marjorie took over sustaining Pinkamena and friends, freeing me up, though I didn't know what to do, beyond introduce more monsters and devils to the joy of pie.

"I think this is Maladomini," Twilight said. It's one of the realm of the Masters of the Devils of the Nightmare Dimension. I haven't studied the planes a lot. "An endless city of evil which Baalzebul constantly rebuilds and destroys, an ever growing mound of cities piled on the ruins of cities which he destroyed for their flaws. Each time, he hopes the new city will live up to his standards, but it never is. And so he levels it, and builds on the rubble."

"But a city built on rubble can never be perfect. He does not clear the ground in his impatience. Instead, he makes the same mistake over and over, for he is a creature of Order," Dawn Gleaming said. Then she flicked lightning at an onrushing puddle of slime which now blew up. "As with all devils, he is driven to repeat himself, locked tight within the bonds he has forged for himself. In Gashpodel's Bestiary, Volume XI, he identifies the central trait of Order creatures as this binding to certain habits they cannot discard even at the risk of their life."

A whole lot of blah blah academic I am so smart me too and me and me too followed with Sammy, Dawn Gleaming, Marcus, and Twilight competing to show how much they know it all. It slid off my brain as I contemplated the real problem here.

These devils and their monsters are the biggest frowny-faces I have EVER seen. None of them were happy, not even when they scored a hit on one of us.

They were also awfully vulnerable to Pinkamena playing with their heads, when she guessed their bents. That's what I call it; they were bent; I could see this now, like someone had reached into them and grabbed their hearts and twisted it into evil balloon animals.

I felt terrible for them and wondered who had done it. Pinkamena could see it too; it's how she could reach into their hearts, grab the jaggedy bits and twist.

I could see her heart too; someone had reached into it and bent it around too. But there were some soft spots; it wasn't all hardened like with the devils. For her friends. For Marjorie. For me. That made me smile.

I didn't know how I knew this. I can usually intuitively sense what makes people happy, but I could see deeper now. Was it my Element?

I looked at Twilight and I could see her love of knowledge, her desire to prove the strength and skill of that love, her affection for Spike, her... what a mess that is. She had a wound, from the whole business with Marcus. It's healing but it's still there. But for now, she had forgotten it, the current crisis taking priority. She loves us; we are all in her heart, and seeing the tiny me inside her made me smile.

I was tempted to look at everyone, but even I knew I had to focus. Thoughtfully, I began misplaying my instruments. Many of my friends looked annoyed but the devils REALLY hated it, plugging ears or trying to kill me harder. I dodged fire and ice, plunking random notes and playing different tunes on different instruments.

Now they were REALLY mad and I had to kick a few of them back into play. Marjorie's eyes derped for a few seconds and Twilight's teeth were chittering. Dawn Gleaming too.

"Can you please get in tune?" Captain Keen Eyes asked urgently.

This is going to be tricky, I realized.

Marjorie seized an on-rushing tide of beetles and flung them into a pack of howling monkeys (on fire) who devoured them. "Dawn Gleaming, study the gate. We need a way to close it, or eventually, they will overwhelm us."

"If you're really an Immortal, can't you just close it?" Spike said.

Now she looked quite irritated. "I am not part of the Council of Intrusion. I have never seen a portal to the Nightmare Dimension. And your mistress didn't do any better."

"We don't have time to fight each other," I said quickly. "We can have a pillow fight later to resolve this. Can you call this council?"

For some reason, Applejack looked at me oddly. I studied myself, but I am not covered in eggs this time.

I'd tell you, but it would take far too long.

"I would have to depart and by the time I rousted them out, you might all die and they'd break through," Marjorie said. "And the Elements of Power would be vulnerable to whatever is affecting them." She grimaced. "I will not let what is mine be taken away from me," she said fiercely. "Not by devils, not by the Nightmare Dimension, not by ANYONE."

I could feel her heart throb with determination and her followers all smiled, clearly pleased by her devotion to them, though really, being that possessive never ends well.

"I suppose Spike's spell wouldn't work all the way to the Moon," Marcus said, cutting off a devil's head; it dissolved away, which was rather creepy.

"There are protections against surprise visitors which would stop him and stop me going straight to them," Marjorie said tensely.

"Ahah!" Dawn Gleaming said. "I have an idea! If all the unicorns pool their strength, we can shake up the rubble which underlays this part of the city, cause a massive sinkhole and create a physical barrier to buy us some time!"

This worked quite well, though soon our foes began herding monsters to fall into the pit so as to plug it up.

That's one of the most horrible things I've ever seen and I felt determined to close this hole before anyone else got hurt.

"Maybe the Applejacks and Pinkamena and I could hitch ourselves to the edges, pull it tight, and then the Rarities could sew it shut," I said, trying to be helpful.

"How exactly would you hitch yourself to the edge?" Dawn Gleaming asked. "It's an energy field, type III."

"Maybe the Elements of Harmony together can do what I could not," Twilight mused.

Dragonfly and Fluttershy were talking some kind of druid tree plant talk thing. It went WOOSH over my head, circled around, went WOOSH again, then when I wasn't looking it tapped me on the shoulder.

And when I turned?

WWWWWOOOOOSSSSHHHH!!!!!

"We need chaos," Dragonfly said. "Chaotic energies on a large scale to cancel the Nightmare Law. Twilight is strongly aligned to Law, therefore she only fed its power."

"But I am of a Sphere aligned to Law," Marjorie said, frustrated. "Where are we going to get enough Chaos?"

"Pinkie," Twilight and Marcus said in unison. "And my sword and I," Marcus said. "Which by extension would mean Sammy too."

"We have a whole chaos firing cannon but the Slaad got too tired from the first shot," Scootaloo said, frustrated. Her head was sticking out of Dash's saddlebags.

"HEY, I told you to GO IN THE SHIP," Rainbow Dash said frantically, staring at her in shock.

"You didn't seriously think I'd do that, did you? I HAVE A CUTIE MARK NOW. I CAN FLY! This is going to ROCK!" she crowed.

"Get back in the bag until this is over or your mother will KILL ME," Dash said, trying to shove her down.

"I hate to say it," Marcus said slowly, "But the Cutie Mark Crusaders are one of the biggest sources of Chaos we have."

"I can't put my sister in this kind of danger!" Clarity and Rarity both said, then looked at each other.

"I bet if we did a double rainbow, THAT would close this gate," Scootaloo said.

"BACK IN THE BAG," Dash said; she and Crash both tried to cram Scootaloo back down but she kept popping up.

I was about to help them as it looked fun, but then I remembered, I have to close this gate.

"Pinkamena, you have to help me," I told her.

"I am not very chaotic as you may have noticed," she said, frowning as the pit slowly filled up.

Marjorie's nostrils flared. "Baalzebul is coming. I will have to engage him."

Marcus made a strangled noise and Sammy buried his face in his hands.

"It doesn't matter," I told her. "Marcus, turn your sword into a needle. You too, Sammy."

He blinked, concentrated, then stared in surprise at his sword as it turned into a giant needle. Sammy did the same.

"Applejack, make a rope out of honesty. Apple Blossom, make one out of elegance," I said. "Rarity, Clarity, use your powers to make thread. First you're going to sew the pull lines to the edge of the portal, then we'll pull it shut and you will sew it in place. Then Dragonfly and Fluttershy will grow a trellis of vines in a grid to hold it together and Dash and Crash will warp the woof with rainbows," I said.

"We'll do WHAT?" Crash said. "That sounds kind of obscene," she said. "I have a boyfriend!"

Rarity crossed her arms in a t shape. "Warp and woof are the two kinds of threads in a weaving. You'll wiggle the rainbows through her frame."

"And Dawn Gleaming and I?" Twilight asked me.

"How the hay do I make a rope out of honesty?" Applejack asked.

A good question to which I do not actually have an answer. "Improvise," I told her. It's what I do best, after PARTY party PARTY.

"You two and Marjorie and Sammy and Spike and Spikey and Marcus will have to fend off our foes while they try to kill us, and then kind of capstone what we do," I said. "I think you'll know what to do when the time comes."

"And me?" Scootaloo asked.

"I need a substitute rubber chicken," I teased her.

She kicked me and I had it coming so I didn't mind. "You will need to defend Marjorie from incoming monsters," I said.

Scootaloo hopped onto Marjorie's back. "Let's kick some ASS!" she said.

Marjorie tensed, then said, "You are an enthusiastic young filly," softly.

"HELL YEAH!"

"This is very dangerous, you know."

"I know. But that means winning is more AWESOME when I beat the odds."

Majorie got an odd look on her face, then said, "Well, let's roll the dice, then." She drew herself up, then opened fire on the devils trying to fill the pit with monsters.

And so we began.

*************

Marcus-O-Vision:

Standing in the breach, I could feel the difference between the world beyond and our world. Here, law is on the defensive against chaos, its worst tendencies less well represented while chaos has fallen prey to its worst tendencies and is less about freedom and more about selfishness and destruction. Law and good are not synonomous, but law is more inclined towards good.

In the Nightmare Dimension, Law is corrupted into Order, as our world's Chaos has become Entropy. Chaos are the heroic rebels against evil authority. And we stand before that authority unleashed. I can feel the Chaos in me responding to it. It HATED it. I could feel my contrary side, the part of me that wouldn't let me bow to Marquetta when it would have made me less likely to die, rising up in defiance.

But it wasn't easy. The strength of Law, doubly of Order, is its monomaniacal focus, its utter certainty, its lack of doubt, its focusing of its entire resources on what it chooses to do. Thus, though Chaos may drive Order back, though Entropy may drive Law back, in the end, neither Chaos nor Entropy can focus or cooperate enough to finish the job. Whereas, outside pressure causes Law and Order to cooperate even more intensely to push back.

When Chaos is too strong, it becomes a thug, destroying without creating. But when Law becomes too strong, it becomes a bully, pushing others around and remolding them to its vision. I remembered Twilight's words to Marjorie. "Anyone who relies only on their strength to get their way is no princess, nothing more than a bully," she had said. "You might be stronger," Twilight had continued. "But you are not better. You misuse your strength instead of using it to defend others. I will not bow. None of us will bow."

I had not been strong enough to stand on my own against Marjorie's will, but Twilight had. But her strength, it was the strength of Law. It was born of patience and hard work, a keen mind honed to perfection by long practice, through specialization and finding her place. And through her network of friends, who always strengthened her, present or not. Personal strength knotted together with that of others to form the collective strength of Law. So long as her connections to her friends hold, Twilight can not be broken by Immortal or mortal alike. Beaten, slain, yes, for she is not invincible. But she will not be broken. You cannot force her to bow to you.

Rarity's strength came from Law as well. She is precise, deft, orderly in word and deed. Like Twilight, she has honed her skills to a fine edge and they give her strength. Where Pinkie, our little bundle of kindly Chaos, cannot stand formal occassions, Rarity thrives in them. They reward her fine qualities. And on top of all of that, she is a generous soul, free and helpful with her gifts, and I love her more than I have loved in a long time.

But sometimes we clash, for I am Chaos and she is Order, I have been a free spirit and she turns always to the habits of work and discipline and the rewards of industry that her father gave her. While I have always had rather an eye for the main chance. The adventuring life is high risk but the rewards are huge for short term, though dangerous work. I would rather be wealthy than work to get it. This is why I always went back in the dungeon rather than settle down.

And Chaos cannot stand before the tide. That is not its strength. To take on the enemy head on, holding always firm and stable, that is the way of Law. But like Pinkie, I feel that call of Chaos, if not so dramatically as her. My strength is my flexibility, my inventiveness, to find people's levers and push them.

Even Baalzebul has levers. As a creature of Order, he ESPECIALLY has levers, because he can't escape his nature. "What do we know about Baalzebul?" I asked.

Twilight called forth a small army of tentacles which began grabbing monsters and devils and crushing them. "He's the enemy of Mephistopheles and Dispater, and he's married to Baftis and Lilith," she said. "He looks roughly human and he's obssessed with perfect creation. He wants to build the perfect city, but it's never good enough."

"He's coming. I can feel him," Marjorie said, grabbing creatures with magic and hurling them out of the pit across the city.

"Baftis is very subservient but is rumored to have been imprisoned by Baalzebul for defying him when he lost patience with yet another city and destroyed it. He fights a lot with his current consort, Lilith, who used to be Moloch's consort before Moloch foolishly defied Asmodeus, the Lord of the Devils. She's beautiful and strong-willed and is worshipped by a lot of witches and people seeking magic, beauty, or both," Dawn Gleaming said, hurling lightning through a mob of green chitinous insectoid monsters being herded towards the pit.

I glanced back and saw Pinkie and Pinkamena rolling around in strands of taffy as Sir Lintsalot, Rocky, and Mr. Turnip tried to disentangle them and Madame LeFlour cast spells into the taffy, which got more plentiful as a result. It throbbed with the power of Chaos. Pinkie was laughing and Pinkamena looked... overwhelmed, really.

Dash and Rainbow Crash were throwing rainbows back and forth, while Scootaloo... I won't pretend I understand what exactly she was doing but she kept running between them as more and more rainbow formed between them. She was supposed to stick close to Marjorie, but being Scootaloo, so much for following orders.

Rarity and Clarity were busy tentatively testing how to thread the sword-needles through the edge of the portal, while Captain Keen Eyes stood protectively between them and the onrushing hordes of Deviltry, shelling them with arrows.

Applejack and Apple Blossom were drinking orange brandy and looking somewhat frustrated; I'll say I have no more idea how to make a rope out of honesty or elegance than they do.

"Rarity," I said to her. "I think they need help."

Rarity nodded and she and Clarity turned to Applejack and Apple Blossom while Dawn Gleaming and Twilight continued to brief me on Baalzebul and we all blew things up with magic.

Rarity went to Apple Blossom to my surprise, Clarity to Applejack. "It is so nice to see another pony who appreciates fashion," Rarity said to Apple Blossom, who smiled.

"Clarity means well, but she is all work and no play, except with Spikey," Apple Blossom said. "But we understand that elegance is *fun*, that to look good and be stylish is something to enjoy. It requires work but in the sense being good at sports is work. Work to achieve better enjoyment." Her Element began to shine.

"A hard working pony like you is someone I can admire," Clarity said, and now Applejack looked first surprised, but then pleased.

"I hafta say you're a pony of great skill," Applejack said to Clarity. "Industry's a virtue I respect." Her Element began to shine softly.

"Your lasso can snare things like ghosts and clouds, which a normal rope would pass through, right?" Clarity said to Applejack.

Applejack nodded. "My mother passed it on to me," she said. "It once got used to snare four ghosts at once and throw them into a river. Story's too long to tell right now with wolves at the door, to speak, though."

"You can tell me later," Clarity said warmly. "Then this will be our basis. We will weave hard work and honesty into it, and I will use it as my rope and Rarity can use Apple Blossom's. Show me."

Soon Applejack was spinning her rope around and doing tricks at Clarity's command.

Meanwhile, Rarity said to Apple Blossom, "What is your favorite item of clothing?"

Apple Blossom produced a supremely fancy dress, clearly unsuitable for use in the field or any sort of fighting, eight layered and I honestly have no idea how an Earth Pony could even get it on.

"We will have to unravel this and make an elegant thread with it," Rarity said. "I promise you, I will make you another to whatever specifications you like, but you will have to give this up in order for us to make it."

Apple Blossom stared at the dress, horrified by the idea. "It's so beautiful," she said softly. "Aunt Orange gave it to me." Her voice trembled.

"I know it is not easy," Rarity said. She now pulled out the dress she wore the night we danced together. I couldn't help but stare and then remember that. "I wore this the first time Marcus and I danced together. The first time we kissed. When he became a pony for my sake. Because he loved me. It is precious to me."

Apple Blossom stared at it, eyes wide.

"I will unravel it and weave it together with your precious dress. Together we will make a thread so strong that no force can sever it, and our sacrifice will enable you to pull this gateway shut," Rarity said, shivering a little.

I touched my hat, which Rarity gave me, and now I felt guilty I still had it.

She noticed and shook her head at me. I would contribute otherwise. This was her gift, of her essence, for she is the Element of Generosity. "Elegance and Generosity must go together, for to those who have been given much, to them is the duty to give generously of what they have received. I give up this dress, but the memory of that night, I will forever treasure in my heart. You remember when she gave it to you, right?"

That memory, though is a lie. She is a creation. A shadow of possibility made flesh by Marjorie's power and Keraptis' arts. In the face of stern Order, she and the others would dissolve if Marjorie did not sustain them.

But to her, it is real and the sacrifice... How can we know that WE are not but shadows to beings more real than ourselves? Called forth by their will and dispersed as easily?

And they must know now, they are shadows. That they could evaporate at any time. But they do not despair. I could see Fluttershy and Dragonfly together, singing songs and growing plants. Dragonfly's clearly not good at it; she's more in tune with weather than animals, I think. But together, Fluttershy could call them forth and Dragonfly nurture them with the light and water they need; her hoofs struck rock and it became soil in which they grew.

If anyone had reason for despair, it is them, but they will not give up.

And if shadows can fight, so much harder must we.

And then, as I glanced at Sammy, I understood. He is a being of law. He is focused and disciplined and steady by contrast to myself. There has to be a way for us to use that.

Apple Blossom let out a great sigh. "Together," she said. "Let it be done before I lose the will to say yes."

And then Rarity began to unravel the two dresses and twine them together into a great cord.

Meanwhile, Clarity now took threads from her bag and with Spikey and Spike both helping her, she began weaving them into the rope, while Applejack twirled it around like some sort of weaving machine. Studying it, I could see she was using Applejack's tail like a needle, the tricks were like operating a sewing machine or maybe a loom with Applejack as the bobbin. As Applejack expressed her true self, she fed power into the rope, and as Clarity's hard work paid off, the rope became ever more powerful from her as well.

I now came up with a plan. Whether I would survive it...

That's another question.

***********

Twilight's Letter to the Reader:

Marcus' plan made sense, but really, it should be Rarity doing this with him. However, she has to sew the gate shut while we attempt psychological warfare on an Immortal. Hopefully this will be a mortal identity but we may well have bored into his home plane.

Well, not US but the gate maker.

In which case... No, I will be brave. I could smell Marcus' terror and I hoped that Baalzebul does not have pony level senses. He didn't show it, but I could smell it.

We gulped down the candy and he turned into Dispater and I turned into Lillith. Dispater is tall, 21 hands high, and Lillith fairly tall too; he looked mostly human, though not like Marcus, with a short beard and a shaved head and tiny horns. I, on the other hand, screamed 'DEVIL' with red skin and large horns and a tail and everything. I was also fairly naked and Marcus tried not to look at me. I put an illusion on my crown and made illusionary clothing just to avoid making him uncomfortable.

Which would give us away, too.

Having to pretend to be secret lovers bothered me, both from not wanting to hurt Rarity and from it reminding me of how I had loved him once. Part of me still did. Everyone says that never totally fades, but I need it to. How can I be a good friend to both of them when I feel things like this?

But there's no one else here to do this except Dawn Gleaming and she has a boyfriend.

They'd hitched the magical ropes already when Baalzebul came with his guard of pit fiends. Apple Blossom, Applejack, Pinkie, and Pinkamena were pulling the gateway shut as it tried to fight them, and Rarity and Clarity stood ready to sew. Dash, Crash, Dragonfly, and Fluttershy stood ready to further seal the gate. We'd rigged the taffy as a line of defense at the lip of the pit in front of us, though I'm not sure exactly how that works.

The hard part of this is that we have to hold the line until the gate is almost shut, then duck in and let it slam, but stay here long enough to prevent anyone getting in to wedge it open.

And Marcus doesn't have his sword. If something goes wrong...

No. Trust in my friends. That is my strength. Pinkie's plan is WORKING. I do not understand how but I don't... Okay, I really, really want to understand how it works. But I can find out later, once the world is safe.

Marjorie looked confident but I can't tell if that's arrogance or properly based in reality. She is an Immortal, though. Ideally, she'll cancel out Baalzebul and the rest of us will handle the enemy long enough.

I could feel Baalzebul's power before I saw him and... the amulet! I still had it. I checked it. He was at full strength. But he can't cross over into our world without alerting every Immortal, right? And Marjorie...

Is a lot weaker than him.

I winced, then made myself not wince. We can do this. Nightmare Moon was an immortal. The elements united, we can't be defeated and now, it's not just us, it's the Elements of Power too.

Working with them instead of against them feels so good. It's Harmony in action.

It's *right*.

We can do this.

Baalzebul was a tall man, only slightly devilish looking, wearing a suit of bronze armor over most of his body. He rode on a creature which resembled a giant fly. It buzzed constantly and he smelled TERRIBLE. This form doesn't smell well, but I could smell him.

"Dispater, your presence here is a violation of the laws of the Hells. Lillith, what are you doing here?" he said.

I was doing my best to draw power and feed it through us so we would 'smell' Immortal. With the Element of Magic, I could do it; Marjorie had advised us to do it.

I embraced Dispater. "Baalzebul, you fool," I told him. "I am going to take your plane as the Hag Countess took Moloch's," I said, hoping I got that right. It's a long sordid story of 'love' (what Devils call love) and betrayal and stupid revolts against Asmodeus. "You will die fighting these mortals and then we will turn on them and be rewarded for stopping their 'invasion' of this plane. And being ponies, they're so stupidly trusting that they'll walk right into it!" I was speaking in the language of the Hells thanks to a spell Marjorie cast. I hoped it came off convincing.

"Hi, I'm Twilight Sparkle, a very trusting pony," Dawn Gleaming said. "Not nearly as cool as Dawn Gleaming but she was busy mastering yet another spell I don't know yet, and couldn't come to the invasion. I wasn't doing anything useful, so here I am to smite you!"

My leg twitched but I pretended to ignore it, since Lillith wouldn't care.

'Dispater' (Marcus) fondled my shoulder and I shivered, feeling odd.

"Also, I advised Baftis to defy you, telling her you'd respect her more if she was stronger. Oh, what a foolishly trusting sucker she was. And now you've imprisoned her in the ruins you built over, where she will stay, since you're going to die here. Best of all, if we die, this isn't our home plane, so we won't stay dead," I told him. "I have bound myself to Malboge. But you never noticed."

"I noticed," he said. He pulled out a gem and crushed it. "And there goes your tie. If I die, you go with me, TRAITOR. Do you think I did not anticipate this? The only question was who you would spread your legs for, you whore!"

I suddenly wondered if we'd managed to somehow make up a real plot or if he was just that paranoid.

Baalzebul smiled angrily, dark blue eyes flashing. "I can see your surprise. Did you think me a fool? The Hag Countess has fallen and Glasya rules there now. She did not want you having influence over her plane. She was quite amenable to root out your anchor and pass it to me, and the power of the daughter of Asmodeus is not so easily noticed if she does not wish it to be."

Glasya... Asmodeus has a daughter? I think the Hag Countess got turned into a house or something... I forget why. Or how she got to be the boss when Moloch got overthrown.

Then he turned to Marjorie. "You are bold but foolish. Your Immortal allies cannot save you here. By entering this realm, you belong to me. I will enjoy tearing you down and rebuilding you."

She looked nervous, but then she said, "You are going to die. You tore a hole into our world and now you will pay for it."

Baalzebul waggled a finger. "Now, now, it was one of your people who opened the way. It always has to be, since the Compact."

The Compact is a poorly kept peace treaty between our dimension and the Nightmare dimension. Among other things, mortals on the other side have to open the way, though covert agents and accidents happen sometimes too.

The gateway was shrinking. If we are fortunate, he'll keep threatening us until we're ready to escape. I could feel Clarity and Rarity starting to work, felt the gate getting smaller. Not too much longer and we'll be able to retreat.

"I will not let you take what is mine!" Marjorie shouted, but this time, she meant the whole world. She is so fierce, and even Baalzebul was taken aback.

Now he gestured and the pit suddenly healed, sealing up, full of rubble but crossable. "I am the lord of the Seventh Layer of Hell! Those who would challenge me here are FOOLS."

Let's hope he's not right.

Then we got hit by a wave of his power. Our disguises were ripped away and we both turned back to normal. Sammy and Dawn Gleaming started to dissolve, but Marjorie managed to save them. She growled angrily and now breathed a huge gout of fire at Baalzebul and company.

This did nothing at all.

In fact, I think they enjoyed it.

"Retreat," Marjorie said to Dawn Gleaming and Sammy. Her voice brooked no denial.

"I can't just abandon you!" Dawn Gleaming said urgently as our foes rushed forwards.

"He can destroy you utterly beyond my power to remake you and I will NOT HAVE THAT," Marjorie said fiercely. "I did not make you so that some fool could destroy you with his conjuring tricks."

Conjuring tricks?

Baalzebul looked VERY unhappy, though he now pointed at Marcus and I. "I commend you on a good lie! Swear to me and I will spare you! I can use someone both clever and powerful!"

I suspect he's lying. "Ponies bow to no one!" I said proudly. I felt his aura rush at me but it skidded off my power. This both pleased me and scared me a little. I've grown so strong. But this road eventually leads away from everything I've known. I want to make Celestia proud, I want to protect ponykind. But this kind of power, it always cut me off from others. Though some of that was my own fault.

I could have had friends before this, but I let those who did hate me drive me away from those I could have been friends with. Lyra, Octavia, Moondancer and others.

I couldn't do this without everyone else. I can't walk this road without them. I hope they all will walk it with me. I need them. I'm not used to needing people. Except my parents and Celestia.

But I need them all. When they hurt, it hurts me. When they smile, I smile. The bond I have with them is so precious to me, I don't even have words for it.

I have *a* word. Friendship. But it's... it's more than that.

No, not in a bad love story sort of way.

We complete each other. Friendship makes us all more than we are. With them by my side, I can face anything. *For* them, I can face anything.

Baalzebul had a mace and now Marcus concentrated and it flopped around in his hand. "I serve Princess Celestia and Princess Luna and I love Rarity, the Element of Generosity!" Marcus shouted. "None of us will bend knee to you, Lord of the Flies!"

"Then, DIE," he said and his word of power reached out and grasped Marcus and tried to kill him but I shattered the spell with a thought, outraged, power flowing through me.

"Go," Marjorie said again to Dawn Gleaming and Sammy. "You would die before I could save you if he did that to you."

They retreated, but they looked very guilty about it. She looked relieved and then she hurled lightning; a half dozen pit fiends went flying; the power was incredible. She could cut loose here, not hold back as she must on Mystara to avoid getting in trouble.

But Baalzebul suddenly appeared right next to Marjorie, then smacked her with his mace and she went flying back through the gateway.

"..." I stared in shock as she cried out in surprise.

"Run, you fools!" Pinkamena shouted at the two of us.

He moved smoothly to cut us off, but now the taffy rose up and lashed at him like a snake, holding him for several seconds, burning him. He flailed and Marcus and I both got flung by massive amounts of power in opposite directions as the world began to ripple and buckle. The taffy burned away but now Baalzebul sort of... melted. He became this hideous giant slug monster, still clutching his mace with a pseudopod, but his beauty and grace were gone like the masks they were.

This was the form Asmodeus had punished him with for past rebellion. He must be able to take on a prettier form for a while but his concentration lapsed.

He turned his hideous multi-faceted eyes on us and his aura hit us like hammers, now fully unleashed. Captain Keen Eyes fired through the sliver of gate remaining but the arrows just bounced off his eyes. So did a half dozen apples and a hurled bottle of orange brandy, though the liquid briefly blinded him.

"Come on!" Pinkie shouted urgently.

"Baalzebul," Pinkamena said grimly. "I think you need to change your name to Lord of the Midden. You smell like yesterday's vomit. *Cat vomit*."

"Oooh, I think it's more like when you try freebasing sugar mixed with cinnamon and it BURNS IT BURNS and then you try to wash it out with vinegar and you accidentally drink it and you get GAS and you start drifting high into the sky until pegasi find you and then... it all comes out at once and they all nearly die." Pinkie made a face. "Never do that, by the way."

I see.

He gave a howl of rage and we tried to run but he just kind of arched over us, blocking our escape. But then Marjorie leaped on him, kicking and biting and howling and spewing fire everywhere.

Unfortunately, now his pit fiends were coming at us. Huge red-skinned and muscular, giant bat wings, horns, fangs, swords and whips. I flung one into another, driving back a third with lightning.

Marcus, on the other hand, wasn't strong enough to hurt them much with magic but kept trying to lure them away from me.

"Marcus, run," I told him. Without his sword, he can't defend himself; I'm sure it would hurt them but his magic isn't strong enough.

"I am not going to leave you here!," he shouted. "I can't make it up to you if you die!"

"You can't make it up to me if YOU die," I shouted, flinging back a pit fiend about to stab him. "Rarity, how is it coming?"

"We're ready to close it!" she shouted. "Get out of there!"

"Princess Marjorie, we need to retreat!"

Only we couldn't. She was tangled up with Baalzebul as they fought in hideous immortal slugfest. He was oozing acid on her and she was battering and chewing on him, lost in a fighting frenzy.

Marcus looked at her, looked at the gate.

We could leave her here. I can tell he's tempted. I'm a little tempted, to my embarrassment. She's caused us so much trouble... she was going to start a war between Equestria and Sind! Many innocents would have died.

I couldn't understand why she was made an immortal.

But I see why, now. Colored dragons value fiercess, strength of will, defending what is yours, and cunning. And she embodies all of those. But those values don't have to be used to hurt the innocent. They can be used to defend our world, to defend those important to you.

They're not the general virtues of ponies.

But this world isn't just ponies. If I am to be an immortal, I will have to deal with beings that don't share our values. To work with all the Spheres against the things that would come from outside to destroy us.

Even to work with enemies. Because we all have bigger enemies, and this world belongs to all of us.

Celestia's mother is Loki. He's a terrible person.

He's on our side when it comes to dealing with things like this.

Baalzebul would make our entire world into his city, then destroy it over and over when it failed to please him.

Marjorie... she's like a child with the power of a god. Did she even really understand what she was doing, trying to get even with us? Can she even help it? Other creatures don't think like we do, as I have become aware with Marcus, with Ivan, with Spike, though he's pretty close to a pony in all but body. Are all colored dragons like that?

But she's starting to change. She cares about the Elements of Power, even though she made them as tools. And they care about her. They were made to, but... do they have free will?

I glanced at Pinkamena, who looked horrified by Marjorie and Baalzebul's fight. She believes she grew up with a family who didn't care. But Marjorie cared, and she loves Marjorie.

Like I love Celestia.

I don't know if we'll ever be real friends. But we have to be able to work together one day, much as Immortals sometimes squabble and fight. And maybe this will turn her energies in more productive directions.

"We have to save her," I told Marcus.

"She wants me dead," he said softly.

"NEVER," I said hotly, then felt embarrassed. "I won't let her hurt you but she is an Immortal and we cannot abandon her when she fights for our friends and our world."

For a moment, he looked haunted, then looked back at everyone and then said softly, "I should come back if I die, but if I do not, take care of Rarity."

"You are NOT going to die," I told him.

Baalzebul slammed Marjorie down and began hammering her; I could barely keep his devils back, even with my Element going full tilt. But everyone was pinned down being ready to close the gate.

Baalzebul reared up to strike Marjorie down with a pseudopod. But as the blow came down, a lance stabbed into him and he howled. Sir Lintsalot and Rocky stood over her defiantly, and then Mr. Turnip hurled a cabbage at his face, and Madame LeFlour conjured salt and dumped it on him; he howled as it burned his slug-like flesh. Pinkamena said, "I will DIE BEFORE I LET YOU KILL HER! SHE CARES ABOUT ME!"

And then, grimly, she began to sing and dance and I felt magic; she was trying to trap him with the Irresistable Dance spell.

It bounced off him. He's an Immortal, not easily compelled, especially not by a construct.

Marcus stared at her; he looked at me, then looked determined. He took Pinkamena by the hands and wove his magic with hers. "Use us as your focus," he told me, and I understood.

I reached out to the others and we joined powers. The Elements of Power joined their power to ours as well and then our power flowed through Marcus and Pinkamena into the spell and Baalzebul began to dance to his utter horror and as he danced, he screamed, for Chaos was flowing into him.

Pinkamena and Marcus looked very strained by this. Neither of them was made for this much power. And then Baalzebul struck at them, hurling balls of fire at them.

And then there was a flash of light and Rarity interposed herself, firing a barrage of arrows which melted but stopped the attack. I could see she'd passed Marcus' sword to Fluttershy.

Why Fluttershy?

***************

Fluttershy's Point of View:

"Dragonfly," I said. "If I die, you have to take care of Angel Bunny and Slither."

She blinked. "If you die, it probably means we will both die."

"I don't think our lives are linked," I told her. At least, if they are, my powers from Mother Nature aren't telling me any such thing.

"I mean, if you die, it likely means the entire group is going down," she said. "That being said, if you intend to kill our foe with that sword, I am in. His city is an abomination in the eyes of nature. Every tree is gone, the grass, the sky itself choked with smoke and flame... Nature groans in chains and howls for revenge." She got increasingly angry, which made me more nervous.

"If you're going to kick some ass, we're in," Rainbow Dash said.

"YEAH!" Scootaloo said, sticking her head out of the bag.

"GET IN THE BAG," Rainbow Dash said, trying to push her back down. "Your mother has very sharp teeth, you know!"

Dragonfly and I both stared, mouth open wide, for the first time united in common thought.

"What exactly have you been doing with my mom?" Scootaloo said suspiciously.

"Don't you have a boyfriend?" Rainbow Crash said suspiciously.

"Don't you all need to stay here and be ready to seal the gate?" Apple Blossom said. But she looked at Marjorie, who was writhing in pain on the ground, and looked very worried.

"Fluttershy, PLAN, NOW," Rainbow Dash said. "And I didn't do anything with your mom! She got mad at me and... forget I ever said anything!" She waved her hooves around frantically.

"Oh my," Dragonfly and I said in unison, then blinked.

"I need you to cover me while I heal Marjorie, then we're going to destroy the city," I said. "Or at least... some of it. A little of it." I felt very nervous about this. It was hideous and evil but even devils need a place to live. One set of instincts said to destroy it and another that I shouldn't and I wasn't sure which was right.

"I bet I could set the surrounding area on fire... but I think they like that," Dragonfly said excitedly, then deflated.

"Building levelling coming right..."

A giant buzzing fly had been wandering around confused after its master... got off it? Fell off? I hadn't noticed. But now it was about to dive bomb Rarity, who was too busy parrying attacks from Beelzebub to notice.

"Fly, now!" Rainbow Dash said and launched. Rainbow Crash and her charged into the fly, slammed into it and crashed off through buildings, sending bricks and rock and bolts flying everywhere.

Clarity looked indecisive, then turned to Spikey. "What do you think?"

"I think everyone on our team needs to stand ready to close the gate or else Beelzebub may erase you while Princess Marjorie is down, even though..." He grimaced. "She's hurt."

"You all throw supporting fire and be ready for more sealing, since the gate's mostly shut," Applejack said. "I'm gonna go plant some horseshoe marks in some devil butts. Dragonfly, you'd better stay here."

"I have to go," she said.

"We will hold the gate," Dawn Gleaming said. "Dragonfly, you can lay down supporting lightning from here. If we evaporate, we're no use to the Princess."

I couldn't wait any longer. I charged out with Applejack covering me. She kicked away a devil covered in chains and hooks and axes and spears, then grabbed one of his chains with her teeth, spun him around and tangled up a huge red devil thing and threw them both at a huge fat one with a massive spear and they all tumbled away.

I ran with a sword in my teeth and I jabbed it into the ground long enough to cast some healing on Marjorie, who now stared at me, eyes wide. "You healed me," she said softly.

"We're on the same side against deviltry," I told her. "And I cannot stand to see someone as hurt as you were." Her coat charred, her flesh torn and bleeding... it had been horrible.

"Even though I tried to kill you," she said softly.

"We're not enemies any more," I said.

She started at that, and then looked guilty. She rose now over me and said, "I see why you bear that." Then she pointed where I had stuck the sword.

A tiny vine was growing up through the rock where it had struck and the rocks and bricks around it were crumbling into soil. Applejack looked, then grinned and reached in her pack, throwing a bag of seeds to me. "Some of my finest, I carry 'em for emergencies."

Marjorie clearly didn't understand why Applejack does that, but I understand. "Applejack, you are a dear friend and I thank you," I told her. Sword in teeth, I carved the ground and as I moved, Applejack planted seeds. They were already sprouting a little, even as Marjorie turned and spat lightning at Baalzebul. Soon she, Twilight, and Rarity were having a huge magical / energy / missile battle as Marcus and Pinkamena continued to dance, distracting Baalzebul's concentration.

Then the Dashes and Scootaloo came back. "Scootaloo," I said. "Can you grip a sword in your mouth?"

"I can try!"

"Dashie, I need lots of rain." Maybe that was too demanding. "If you don't mind."

Rainbow Dash and Crash now went to work making rain, while the battle raged near us. Dawn Gleaming and Dragonfly had some sort of lightning throwing contest, I think, in fact.

It made me rather nervous, but I tried to focus myself and keep plowing the ground. As I worked, I noticed the tilled ground spread further the more I worked at it, so I worked harder and it spread even more.

Unfortunately, this drew the attention of some giant with a trident and two heads and four tails. He rushed right at me, though Dashie jumped on a cloud and made lightning hit him. He stumbled and I dodged his attack, then Applejack bucked the back of his leg; she couldn't actually reach his knee. He stumbled, his knee dipped and she hit it; he fell and Dragonfly now dropped more lightning on him and he passed out.

I took the sword, moved to the middle of my work, then jabbed it into the ground and began to pray, focusing my power through it and calling upon Mother Nature to bring her power to this cold, dead world. This sword came from her sphere, the sphere of Matter, my sphere, for it is not just the sphere of earth and rock but of all that lives and grows within that, the sphere of life in all its shapes and forms.

This world had been scourged of life and left only with death and despair.

It was up to me to return it to greater balance, if only for a little while. I am not so vain as to think my power can overthrow a Master of Devils.

But this is how I can fight him. Not by drawing blood or hitting people.

But by championing life in the face of death, for that is the call of the druid. Death has its place; but the death we embrace is part of the cycle of life. In time, I will die and my body will become food for worms who will return it to the soil and from that soil, beautiful trees will grow, to purify the air and turn soil into fruit for animals. They will scatter the seeds of the trees and more trees will grow.

But here, the cycle has been destroyed. There is nothing but endless city, stone piled on metal on stone. Everything that lives suffers at the whims of its hideous master, who cannot stand imperfection.

Life IS imperfection. Druids do not believe in perfection. There is always room to improve but change is constant. You cannot fix things at one point and stay that way forever.

I struggle with that. A part of me wishes the good times would last forever, fears that if they stop, everything will go downhill. I am nervous and change frightens me.

But Druids are bringers of change. We combine law and chaos, for nature is ever changing, yet it changes in predictable cycles. And slowly, those cycles change. The world grows warmer or colder. Species come and go. I mourn for the fallen, for creatures now long gone or dwindled only to remnants in hidden valleys and places time forgot like the Thanegioth Archepelago, where the Isle of Dread is found.

I am not chaotic by nature. I am lawful. In a shy way. Dragonfly rages with change and chaos. She'd do this better than me. But she can't; if she enters Baalzebul's realm, he may well unmake her before Marjorie can save her. Or Pinkie. I don't know how Pinkie did that, but I wish I knew how.

But I have to find that chaos inside me to do this. To force the wheel of time, frozen here to Baalzebul's will to change. The sword can do it a little. I can see the the seeds sprouting.

But it's not enough. I watched Dash and Crash jump from cloud to cloud, making rain and lightning come down, laughing as they go. They have no fear. Crash could be erased with a thought and she is not afraid.

I feel a certain empathy with Marcus, because he understands fear as I do, if for different reasons. And it's one of the reasons I can bond to many of my animal friends. They know fear. To be an herbivore, like many of them are, like ponies are mostly (though we can eat eggs and things made with them), is to know fear. When Blackmoor changed us, they removed a lot of our fear. We have more than humans but less than, say, my mice friends.

Fear is a survival instinct. It's what keeps us alive in a dangerous world. But ponies don't need it as much because, like humans, we're smart enough to make tools and use them, to think our way out of problems, to fight with less fear if we must fight.

Baalzebul rules by fear; I can smell it on his servants. Cunning, fear, lies. This sort of all out assault is only because he didn't have time to think of a good lie and Marcus and Twilight fooled him into becoming too angry to think. But this world is full of violence even if it is not his first choice. Pain. Suffering. Misery. Even the rocks cry out to me for mercy, for release.

I am a healer; when I see pain, I want to end it, to heal it. Even with someone like Marjorie. Who scares me. But her pain... I had to set her free.

This world is pain and I must end it, if only for a little while.

I rose into the air, enough to 'stand' on the sword, a hoof on each crossbar, and I spread my forelegs and wings as I hovered. I became like the trees which would now rise from the land.

And then I heard Dragonfly begin, haltingly, to sing the song I intended to sing, which speeds the growth of plants. She wasn't good at it, for where I am best at growth and healing, she is better at clearing the ground for new growth. But we need that here as well. Her destruction and my creation, together we would turn the wheel.

Her destruction and my creation, in harmony we find our union. My Element began to shine.

I have studied philosophy, I just don't feel the need to talk about it all the time like Twilight and Marcus and Dawn Gleaming and Sammy do. In part because I'm never so sure of being right as they are. Which can be just a little annoying sometimes.

Don't tell them I said that! I didn't...

Okay, I meant it but I don't like to criticize people because I spent too long being criticized all the time. I wasn't fast enough for Father or my uncles and all the boys liked to pick on me and some of the girls at school. Mother always comforted me but it wasn't enough.

Without Dashie, I probably would have gone completely insane. Having someone to stand up for me who wasn't...

I know Mother really loves me. I love her. I love Father. But... parents love their children by their nature. As a druid, I especially know about instincts.

Dashie had no instincts compelling her to be my friend, to love me. But she did anyway, and that was a great comfort to me, rude as she could be sometimes.

Please don't think I hate my parents or something! It's just my nature to fret.

Anyway, druids study nature and part of that is experienced and part of it is intuitive but part of it is learned and deduced too. It gives us a balanced approach instead of trying to learn everything from books.

Some things have to be felt, like the dirt on your hooves and the wind in your mane and the gentle smile of a squirrel whose leg you have just set in a cast. Without me, he would have suffered, maybe even died.

But I changed his life for the better and now he will have many children and hide many nuts.

Every day, I can make this world a better place.

I will make *this* world a better place. For the time that I can. For I know, as a druid, that all things come to an end.

But that end is also a beginning of something new.

And sometimes, something better.

"Applejack, drive your heels into the cracks and push," I said. I'm getting too bossy again. "Please, if you're not busy with anything else."

She nodded and dug in her heels, and now her Element began to glow.

I began to sing and the clouds swirled and lightning struck me but I rode the lightning.

My body changed and my mind as well; I felt Dash and Crash's swirling, wild joy and I felt Scootaloo laughing through my skin, for she had slipped out of the bag and was jumping from cloud to cloud, feeling amazingly grownup. Their joy flowed down through the lightning into me, into the sword, the well of chaos inside us all. I could feel Pinkie Pie's delight at the rain; she loves a good storm, to feel the water on her skin.

I normally run and hide under the bed, but now I felt her joy and I knew it and I changed.

The ground cracked and Baalzebul shouted with rage and turned to stare at me but now Ivan stepped out of the shadows. "He's right here, your highness!" he shouted, laughing, and then a huge red-skinned woman, remarkably naked for a human, though she did wear jewelry, appeared from flames and shouted, "Baalzebul, you have betrayed me and destroyed my anchor! Now you will PAY!"

And a horde of devils charged at him at her command.

I felt the lightning course through me and I welcomed it, drawing its power into the sword, and using it to drive the wheel of change. The seeds sprouted and grew, and the ground cracked and trees rose swiftly. Too swiftly, but the world hungered for them. I could not deny that hunger.

"When the fruit is ripe, you must buck the trees, Applejack," I said. "When she does this, Dash and Crash and Scootaloo, you must whip up winds and fling the fruit as far off across this world as you can in the time we have," I said.

They will take root, breaking up buildings, making soil and spreading themselves. Creatures will eat the fruit and spread the seeds. Perhaps in time, Baalzebul will root them all out.

But I don't think so. Seeds will be buried every time he levels his home, and they will wait, until conditions are right. And eventually, they will be. There will always be little seeds of chaos to disrupt his perfect order. And because he can not make perfection, nor accept anything less, he will be unable to turn his attention to hurt others.

Or so I hope.

And so I called down Mother Nature's power, my heritage as both a Pegasus Pony and a druid and prayed to her, that she might give her gift of life to this dead world.

And she heard me and soon Applejack was busy kicking down quick-grown apples and Rainbow Dash, Crash, and Scootaloo were busy spreading them as far as we could reach.

I could feel Dragonfly's song in the air, calling down power, spreading the roots; they ripped up brick and stone, tore down buildings and turned all around them into soil. She destroyed, but her destruction furthered the growth of life. More water reached the roots and the trees grew faster.

And some of the monsters stirred and stared at the trees and ran to them, their masters chasing them and raging, but the power which pulsed in the trees drove them back, for Chaos flowed through the trees and the devils were creatures of pure Order, unable to abide its touch.

I gave them all the love I had, for they would need it here.

Fly free, my children. Bring joy and healing to this world. Live while you can. Everything dies, but your death will bring new life.

One day, I too will be a tree who helps others. Show them what could be, that they might dream of something better, my friends.

I could feel Mother Nature's gentle embrace, her love and approval and it made me smile. I am part of something greater. We all are, pony and man and devil alike. But now, for once, I could fully feel it. And it felt wonderful.

But I would soon have to let it go. Everything changes in time, especially when channeling chaos.

This must be why Pinkie is always so happy.

And now, for a little while, I was very happy too.

**************

Applejack Speaks:

Seeing the trees come up, it pleased me, even though trees shouldn't grow that fast. But this place needs trees. Every tree was different. They didn't look quite like normal apple trees. But then, normal ones couldn't live here.

Their nature had to change to thrive in new circumstances.

And seeing that, I understood.

Nature ain't a static thing. And what feels natural to me, growin' up in Equestria, ain't necessarily natural somewhere else. Places change. Ponies change. The whole set a' Pony species changed, both by natural causes and manmade. But humans are part a' nature too.

And it ain't like Ponies ain't remade Equestria. We didn't take it as it was, we made it the way we want to be. All the nature of my farm's only natural 'cause other Ponies and I made it that way.

'Cause that's our nature; I dunno if we got it from humans or it just comes with bein' able to think.

Apple Blossom and I both have a hankerin' to reshape our world, to build a little empire, even if mine is apples and pigs and hers is oranges and drinks and whatnot. I've been breedin' apples and my ancestors been breedin' apples for centuries. Maybe millenia. I think one of those wall ponies was the start of the Apple Clan.

What the humans did to us, we've done as well.

I wouldn't do it to nothing that could think; they got the right to decide their own future. But the impulse... the urge to change what happens if thinkin' critters don't intervene... the orchard would go wild and go downhill without me constantly changin' what nature wants.

What we've done is to harmonize it. Nature by itself makes a mess. That's what I've seen in places like the Malpheggi. We put our brains in and make it work for everyone's benefit.

My element shone as I finally understood what I've been doin' my whole life.

And I bucked like I'd never bucked before.

****************

Marcus-O-Vision:

Pinkamena and I continued to dance, Pinkie's power flowing through us to assail Baalzebub, who was trying to fight off Lillith and her supporters, while his minions fought hers.

"I think this is our cue to RUN LIKE HELL," Ivan said urgently to me.

I spun Pinkamena around, then dipped her down low; she is as nimble as Pinkie, which helps this a lot. "I agree. Twilight?"

The ground rose up and formed a gate between us and our exit. In the air, there floated another Master of Devilkind, Dispater, who I had impersonated. "YOU WILL PAY!" he shouted at me.

Then his horde of flying devils went after Dash, Crash, and Scootaloo, while his ground forces rushed at us and he blasted me across the ground with his rod. Pinkamena went tumbling as well.

She rose with an insane grin, despite looking battered and bruised. "Lord Dispater, your plan to kill Beelzebub is going well," she said. "Strike him now and you can easily destroy him!"

"I am not so easily moved around the board by a *fake* Pony," he said and blasted us again, even as I tried to cast a spell.

Twilight sent him tumbling with a huge storm of lightning, but he then caught it with his staff and threw it back at her. She blocked most of it, went tumbling, then had to fight off some pit fiends.

Pinkie tried to charge to our aid but now she was under attack, her instruments getting smashed up.

Battle was raging everywhere and it was too much. We had to get out of here. "Fluttershy, I need my sword!"

She threw it into the air with her teeth, then turned into Flutterdragon, caught it, then crashed through everything in her path to get to me. "I'm so sorry. Oh no, your hat! Oh dear, I hope you didn't pay much for that trident. I'm sorry, that looked like nice armor." And so on.

Ivan had vanished again.

Dispater pointed at Pinkamena and she began to bend and twist and fade. Marjorie was in the throes of fighting a horde of devils and was being driven back.

And then Flutterdragon gave me the sword. I knew what I had to do.

If Pinkamena dissolved, Pinkie would never forgive herself. She'd be broken.

"Get us to Pinkie," I told Flutterdragon and we rode her with me trying to use my magic to keep Pinkamena from dissolving. I was going to lose that fight. I can't match Dispater's power.

But once we reached Pinkie, I handed her the sword. "Pinkie, you have to use the reincarnation spell to make Pinkamena into a real person," I told her. "Let her be reborn with true flesh."

"But what if you need it?" Pinkie said urgently.

"Do it before it's too late!" Pinkamena was down to two dimensions and I felt my power being pushed back.

Pinkie took the sword and hugged it between her and two dimensional Pinkamena, singing urgently. Her element began to glow as she sang of being alone and the friends she'd made for herself and how now she'd found new friends. And Pinkamena was one of them, her sister who she loved.

Pinkamena began to cry, but then she looked determined and she pointed at Dispater. "I do *not* forget or easily forgive. There will be a reckoning," and he laughed with a cruel laughter.

But then Flutterdragon pounced on him. "I'm so sorry to scuff up your nice clothing but you shouldn't be so mean!" she said urgently and I laughed for joy.

What a glorious mess this all was.

There had better be some treasure for this.

Pinkamena turned three dimensional again; she looked brighter. More vivid. Still cranky, but real. She stared at herself.

"Okay, let's get out of here," I said.

The wall burst as our friends on the other side of the gate smashed it open. "Come on!" Dawn Gleaming shouted.

We began a fighting retreat; Pinkie gave me my sword back once they didn't need it. Yet more devils were coming as the storm raged across the city and trees began to grow across it and the land shook with the throes of rebirth.

I then saw Dispater doing a spell which is quite famous and would be quite hideous for us.

Meteor swarm basically dumps a swarm of fireballs on people. Which was going to fry everyone as they withdrew.

Twilight and Dawn Gleaming began a dispel, but I feared it wouldn't be enough. "Flutterdragon, we're going to have to block it," I said. "If you augment yourself with your element, combined with being a gold dragon, we can block most of it."

"But what about you?" she said urgently.

This is going to hurt so much. My common sense chose this moment to reassert itself. I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE MY FIT OF INSANE HEROISM FRIES ME.

Then I saw Rarity withdrawing with the others, shelling arrows down on inrushing monsters.

I can't abandon her.

My safety net is gone. I could fry to ash here.

But this fire will be order-tainted. Which means my sword should help stop it.

If I want to be an Immortal, I can't leave Flutterdragon here alone.

"I won't abandon my friends," I told Flutterdragon and she smiled and then we rushed the fire with me focusing my own fire through the sword.

The good news was that we stopped the fire and everyone escaped.

The bad news was that I don't become more powerful from my determination to protect my friends and the woman I love, so, in fact, I fried.

I'll spare you the excruciating details, but I stopped too much of it with me instead of my sword.

And when I awoke, I was somewhere else.

***************

I woke up in a nice, soft, fluffy bed, wearing a nice soft bathrobe and feeling oddly relaxed for someone who just burned up. "Hello?" I said.

"Hello, Marcus darling," Celestia said. "How daring of you, climbing into my bed." Her voice had her usual teasing tone.

Oh bloody hell. I tried to jump out of bed, but landed on MORE BED.

In fact the bed was HUGE, bigger than some rooms. I am not sure why Celestia needs a bed which is something like twenty by thirty feet. Especially given her human form is only six foot two.

Wow, she's as tall as Helga.

For a moment, I had to be sure this wasn't actually Helga messing with me, but Helga is not as tanned as Celestia, and doesn't have the same diaphanous rainbow hair. She wore not a princess outfit but sturdy black pants, a dark green blouse, a white and yellow vest over that, and she had a nice wide-brimmed hat on an end table nearby. Her feet, though, were bare; brown socks were tossed by the hat, black boots sat on the ground. She was closer to the edge of the bed than me.

"Are we in Canterlot?" I asked groggily, checking myself. I was, in fact, naked, but the second I thought about it, clothing appeared and I now wore a nice travelling outfit and Rarity's hat appeared on my head. More precisely, the one she made me.

"You are in my quarters within my home plane," she said. She reached over and put her socks and hat on, then got off the bed and put her boots on. "Come with me."

I followed her, donning my own boots with a thought. We went out into an ornate hallway, decorated with her mighty deeds, then into a side hallway, which showed my past lives. "We are being recursive," she said.

"What?" I said in confusion. Then I paused. "Hey, I was Maeglin Woodwalker?" I said in surprise.

"Yes," she said, standing by me.

The picture showed a somewhat scarred Elf busy driving back a purple worm (the several hundred foot long kind) with blasts of fire as Elven children ran for cover. Another Elf lurked nearby behind a tree, paging through a book of spells.

"Not very pretty," I said. "But brave." I remember when that happened. My apprentice screwed up and managed to trigger a monster break through at the bad magic point; Alfheim has certain 'knots' in the magic which sustains it and the ones which cause trouble are 'bad magic points'.

"He was your first life," Celestia said, hand on my shoulder. Her presence was comforting. "You had many lives on your quest, all of them relatively brief, because once you grew strong enough to recover the sword again, you were reincarnated. Or if you died in the process."

I touched my sword.

"It will no longer reincarnate you," Celestia said. "But Mother Nature has agreed to waive any further need for reincarnation; the sword was only given that power by Bastet so she could bypass proper channels. You were not formally approved as a candidate due to her meddling."

I winced. "All of that was for nothing?" That really annoyed me.

"Not nothing," Celestia said firmly. She ushered me down to another painting. Bofur Shattershield of the Everrast clan. He was busy disarming a complicated trap on a door in a tunnel while other dwarves kept watch. One of them was Fundin; he was a Skyrlist but unlike most of them, a great warrior. Maybe too great, as he tended to run off and get in trouble.

I could remember more of his life as I looked. Marla. She was our cleric. Too vain about her beard, but kind and gentle and hardworking. I'd been saved by her many times.

"They are all inside you; when you return, you will remember their wisdom. Instead of the tight focus of my children, you will have a great deal of flexibility," Celestia said. "As Ivan has begun to master shadows, with time, you will master this ability as you continue your path to Immortality with the others."

That could be really useful. "And if I die?"

"Success or failure in the quest is not measured by death but rather whether you master the virtues of your sphere and succeed, in the end, in the tasks assigned. For people at the level you operate at, the real challenge becomes moral. Not 'can I succeed' so much as 'what are the consequences of my actions'," she said. "The Council of Intrusions... they're not happy you died, but they are happy with you for your willingness to die for our world. Thus, they have approved you for the path of Immortality in the Sphere of Matter. There will be more for you to do under Luna's and my guidance, but you will find us more helpful mentors than Bastet." She said the last word with sadness after previous joy. She sighed. "She has been punished by being assigned to spend a lifetime without her powers as a mortal to remind her that mortals are not toys."

"And Marquetta?" I said. I don't know what to think about her. She wants me dead, but she fought hard for our world and cooperated fully with us in the fight. But if she's going to go back to causing us trouble...

"Considers your death protecting her people to be a quitclaim between you," Celestia said. "And has been informed she is not allowed to claim your sword. Hopefully, we won't have more trouble with her for a while. And she's matured a little."

"I would think you would want someone a lot more mature before making them an immortal," I said, frowning as I studied the picture of Dmitri's death we were now studying.

"I would not want to be the Great One," Celestia said, shaking her head. "Chosing a Moon Dragon is difficult because Colored Dragons are difficult. But she will cause us no more trouble at least for now."

"So what is my next task?"

"You all will be given a rest, but part of your task will be learning to be comfortable as both Pony and Human. For Immortals are not Human or Pony or Dwarf or Troll. Even the draconic immortals must come to transcend the speciation of dragons. This is especially important for Polymaths, for the sphere of Matter is also the sphere of all living things," Celestia said.

We stood before Odo now; he was climbing the rigging of a ship and smiling. I envied him; he was so full of joy. He didn't know how hard life could be.

"It's not easy," I said softly.

"I know," she said. "Luna and I still tend to think of ourselves as Ponies. They are special to us. But an Immortal must cultivate a broader perspective. It is one of several difficult balancing acts. But the others will help you. And one day, you will help them, for they will have to learn that lesson as well." She stretched, adjusted her vest, and smiled. "This is how I am known on the Savage Coast to the west." She had repeating crossbows on her hips, I noticed. Those miniature ones they use, often with trick ammo.

It won't be easy, but I will do it. "So what all DOES my sword do?" I asked her.

"We can discuss it later. Luna has a report for you. But we must meet Twilight and Fluttershy and meet with the Council of Intrusion and get you back before Rarity has a heart attack."

I nodded. "Where is everyone else?"

"Fretting over your body until your soul comes back to it. Luna has restored your flesh but right now, your soul is here with me. So we must make this quick so you can return and relieve their worries," Celestia said.

I do not want Rarity to worry even MORE, so I agree. Let's get this show moving.

**************

We found Twilight in Celestia's library. She looked... almost stoned, trying to read four books at once. "This is amazing! I thought every copy of the Amadil Engravings had been destroyed during the Boldavian Vespers!" she said frantically.

"I'm sorry, dear, but we have to go," Celestia said.

Something now sunk in. Twilight was substantially taller or I had shrunk. A quick check showed me that I seemed to be the same height and was still human.

"Hello, Twilight, I see you've grown," I said softly.

She ran over and pounced on me and without Celestia I would have fallen down. "Marcus!"

"I'm okay," I told her. "We have to make this quick; Rarity must be very worried." I wondered why Celestia hadn't brought her.

"Mother Nature wants to see Fluttershy and the council wanted to see Twilight," Celestia said to me.

Twilight said, "Should I take on a human form?"

"It's up to you," Celestia said. "As I told Marcus, part of Immortality is that you have to abandon being attached too much to any one kind of body. As our concerns are more than just any one species, dear as my ponies are to me." I suspect she's still struggling with that herself.

"Which is why you need us," Twilight said softly as we now walked along.

"Yes," Celestia said. She took us through a door and into a garden where we found Fluttershy feeding the birds. She had grown larger too and wore her druid robes. I got a gentle hug from her.

"Has everyone grown?" I asked.

"All six of us," Fluttershy said. "I am so sorry I couldn't protect you," she said, sounding guilty.

"It's okay," I told her. "I chose that risk so I could help you protect the others." It was only then that I realized I felt this strange relief. Peace, even. I wasn't afraid here.

I knew in my gut I was safe.

"The council is Nyx for Entropy, Ixion for Energy, Noumena for Thought, Father Time for Time and Mother Nature for Matter, correct?" Twilight said.

"Ixion and Nyx in the same group?" I said, stunned. She seems to alternate between trying to destroy the sun so her undead can flourish and trying to seduce him, from what I have heard.

"They can be professional and Nyx is still easier to deal with than many Entropics," Celestia said.

Ahahaha.

************

Father Time was a grey haired old human sitting on a throne, wearing blue robes with a golden hourglass woven into them. He looked very serious.

Four other thrones were here this time. A dusky-skinned man with red hair, clad in golden armor, sat to the left of Father Time. Ixion, I suspect. He had a flaming sword propped against his throne, burning merrily. Left of him was a brown haired man, short and brown skinned, mostly naked except for a fancy Nithian hat and a skirt and sandals. His eyes seemed unfocused as if he was paying attention to some distant vista. He must be Noumena, of whom I know little.

To the right of Father Time was his wife, Mother Nature, Djaea, black haired and brown skinned, with bright brown eyes; she was the darkest skinned of all those present. Laurel crowned her head. And to her right sat Nyx, a pale skinned, raven haired immortal, clad in a slinky black dress. She was smiling, showing her fangs.

A sixth immortal stood, but not in a throne. She was curled up off to the left of Noumena, a huge red dragon with eyes that resembled the moon. The Moon Dragon, Pearl, who I have known as Marquetta and Marjorie.

"Was this the meeting that had you confused about why I wasn't dead?" I asked him.

"It is complicated," he said. "Time is a very complex thing."

"Indeed," Noumena said.

"I was not yet aware of the full extent of what had happened with you," Father Time said. "And your time thread was ambiguous."

Fluttershy kneeled, pony-style, before Mother Nature.

"Rise, daughter," Mother Nature said. "You have pleased me greatly." She rose, walked over, and placed her hands on Fluttershy's head. "You followed my teachings well and at great risk to yourself." She touched Fluttershy's golden torc; it rippled and turned to platinum. Then she tucked a bag into Fluttershy's saddlebags. "You can give this to Applejack, who served us well as well."

"Thank you, Mother Nature," Fluttershy said humbly. I noticed she remained kneeling.

"Rise," Mother Nature said and she became a pony scaled to Fluttershy's size, chestnut coated and green maned.

Fluttershy looked her in the eye, then turned her head away.

Gently, Mother Nature guided it back and then looked her in the eye and smiled. "Be proud. I am proud of you."

Fluttershy turned red and then Mother Nature returned to her throne, turning back to human form.

Ixion raised his hand. "Let this meeting of the Council of Intrusion begin." He frowned. "Pearl, why did you not report this breach?"

"As I told you, there was no time. And originally, I thought it could be handled without any need to disturb the council. It is my duty as an Immortal to guard the walls of this world, is it not?" Pearl said sulkily, like a child who has been sent to her corner.

"Ixion, dear," Nyx said, fluttering her eyelids at Ixion, "She did her duty to the world, and even forsook a blood feud to do so." Is she flirting with him?

I decided to try to not notice.

"So what is the problem?" Nyx asked.

"The problem is that, with no experience in such things, she tried to handle it in a mortal identity without reporting to us. We have procedures for a reason," Ixion said.

Ixion is a god of law. Classic example.

"Well, we did it too," Fluttershy said, surprising me. "She just wanted to protect our world and so did we. So if you're going to punish her, you ought to punish us too."

DO NOT VOLUNTEER ME FOR SHARING PUNISHMENT WITH THE DRAGON WHICH WANTED TO KILL ME.

Ixion and Pearl seemed equally flummoxed by this.

"Truly the Element of Kindness," Nyx said. "I incline towards clemency, since she is inexperienced in such affairs. And she did her duty as an Immortal in the face of temptation to do otherwise."

Ixion frowned at her as well.

"She is new to her duties," Noumena said. "I see no need to punish her for success. If she had not reported in, we would not have even known this happened. Best not to discourage honesty."

"She wanted to go, but we all would have died by the time she came back," Twilight said. "Her staying kept us all alive."

That's ponies in a nutshell.

Too kind to enemies for their own good.

"We agree," Father Time said. "There is no need for any punishment. She did well in defense of the world and most Immortals would not have bothered to come running to us unless they thought they could not handle it or did not wish to. I think we can move on, since these mortals need to return to their flesh soon."

Ixion grimaced, then nodded. "Let it be recorded," he said and I felt a burst of magic. "Samus Marcus, the Council of Candidacy has ruled that you may continue your path to Immortality under the sponsorship of Celestia and Luna. I believe Celestia has briefed you on this?"

"Yes," I said, bowing.

"Very well. Good luck. Keep your nose clean and your past transgressions will be forgotten," Ixion said sternly. "And clean up your messes."

"Yes, sir," I said. Never argue with this type of person; look good and compliant and they will be more merciful.

He looked pleased. "Twilight, candidate for Immortality under Celestia and Luna as well. You have done well so far."

She cast a spell, became human and curtseyed. She was, however, still naked.

Ixion's eyes widened, Nyx laughed, Noumena closed his eyes, Father Time blinked, and Mother Nature smiled broadly.

Then she looked at herself. "Oh dear." She cast another spell. Sweatervest. And another gave her a skirt. "My apologies."

"Ixion may have to blind himself now for thinking dirty thoughts," Nyx said, laughing.

"I have seen women naked before," he grumbled.

"Is that a come-on?" Nyx asked, leaning forwards, which rather showed off her chest.

"Enough," Ixion said, making an odd hand gesture at Nyx. "Apology accepted. Twilight, please give our thanks to the bearers of the Elements of Harmony."

"Thank you," she said, and bowed.

"I advise you to consult with Marcus to avoid further breaches of etiquette like that, however," Ixion continued.

Noumena studied Twilight in a manner which made me a little nervous. Not a sexual or a hostile look, but something... She had his attention and I got the impression mortals rarely did.

Then again, he is of the sphere of Thought.

We now had a bit of a formal ceremony of thanks, and then they let us go. Celestia took us back to her castle and then, bamf, we woke up back in the Moonraker.

**************

Rarity's Point of View:

Lunette sat on the bed, holding one of Marcus' hands; I was in human form, holding the other one. She was keeping him alive until his soul returned. I was holding on so I would not completely freak out; Sweetie was asleep next to him, Twilight on the other side of the bed and Fluttershy on the floor. The others were in the next room, playing cards and waiting.

Fluttershy stirred first, then Twilight, then Marcus, just as I was ready to die. He pulled me down and kissed me softly, holding me close.

I embraced him and felt my worries fade away. I'd been terrified that I'd lost him, that after everything, he was dead and gone forever.

I started crying as we kissed as everything I'd held tight until I was sure, absolutely sure, now burst forth. The others cleared out and left us alone; they had to pry Sweetie off him, mind you.

"Never do that again," I said urgently. "You have nothing to prove to me."

"It wasn't about proving, it was about me trying to help ensure everyone else got out okay," he said, holding me tightly. His voice was urgent. "Tell me you're okay."

"I'm wonderful," I told him. "We all got taller."

"I know," he said, kissing me one more time.

I feel very strange. It's a good strange, though. "Father wants to see you but it can wait."

He made a gurgly noise and I smiled. "Scarier than Devil Masters?" I teased him.

"Much," he mumbled, but then he leaned on me. "I love you," he said. "Whatever may come."

"I love you too," I told him and kissed him one more time.

We snuggled for a while and I began trying to decide if I should broach more intimate matters.

"I'm sorry about your dress," he said to me.

"I will make ten better ones," I told him. "If you cling to anything and try to hold it back for yourself forever, it will come to lose its glitter in time anyway. But now we will both remember it and what it stood for even more vividly."

He touched his hat, the one I made him, and then he touched mine. "You are the best of all women," he said. He gave a happy sigh. "I feel so good. Which probably means the Moonraker will now explode."

I laughed. "I think we'll have a peaceful trip back." But if it explodes, I don't mind so long as my shop doesn't explode. My poor customers are probably losing their minds by now, with me gone. I will have SO much work.

But that's okay. I like to work hard and to create under pressure.

And I can use Marcus as my model for a men's fashion line. I need to improve my skills there, anyway.

I was half snuggling and kissing and half musing on how Marcus and I would grow my fashion empire when Pinkie shouted through the door, "There's a cake waiting and it may well vanish forever if you don't come join us!"

"Coming," I said. I kissed him one more time. "Come on, my love."

We went out to join the others.

*****************

Spike's Point of View:

I could smell that bastard Marcus was coming. My fists clenched and I scarfed down three donuts at once in my frustration, then nearly choked.

Then I nearly fell down when Marjorie whacked my back gently with a hoof. I coughed up the stuck bits of donut. "Thanks," I said to her. So she's a dragon. But I guess her dragon body wouldn't fit here. We were on the Moonraker in what Pinkie had turned into a party room. All the traps were, in theory, turned off.

"It's hard to let go," she said softly to me.

I'm kind of stunned we're here, not killing each other. But all's well that ends well, right? "Yeah, I know," I told her.

"Dragons do not forgive easily, not even the lawful ones. Maybe even more so," she said. "Because some chaotic dragons will just get bored with revenge and never finish. Or get distracted."

"I want to kick his ass, but he's too tough for me," I told her, feeling frustrated. "I just know he's going to screw things up like he did with Twilight."

"I am the worst possible person to tell you this," Marjorie said hesitantly. "But you need to let it go. I don't like him either. Letting go of this feud doesn't come easily to me. Letting go of anything doesn't. It's not my nature," Marjorie said.

"Donut?" I said to her, holding one out to her.

She ate it quickly. "Thank you, young one," Marjorie continued. "But I am not a dragon any more. Not only a dragon, anyway." She sounded somewhat lost.

I don't know what I'd do if I stopped being a dragon. "What are you?"

"Immortal," she said softly. "As your master will be one day."

"She's not my master, she's..." I struggled to explain it. "She's Twilight. We work together. Sometimes she helps ME," I said. I don't know how to define it, exactly. She depends on me and I want her to. I love her. Not like I love Rarity but... maybe more like a cool big sister.

Yeah, like that.

"The bond of parent and child, sibling and sibling, is weak among our kind. We are so strong, we have little need for others," Marjorie said.

Which is why you made your own set of minions. I smell denial.

"I'm a lot more sociable than other dragons," I told her. "Sometimes I wonder if Twilight got a little pony in me."

"You are something new, Spike," Marjorie said.

My eyes widened.

"I will be curious to see how you develop," Marjorie continued.

I could see Rarity talking to everyone now, that damn punk Marcus by her side, being all, la la...

Marjorie patted my shoulder awkwardly. "It's okay. You are very young and will likely find many more... potential mates in the future. It's going to be okay." Her voice wobbled oddly; she clearly didn't know the right tone to strike.

But she was trying. Was it the instincts of her body? Because we're both dragons? "I hate him so much."

"So do I, but sometimes you have to let go of hate. Do you know how much time I spent contemplating his doom? Do you know how much he even remembered me?" She sounded very disappointed. "I was Tuesday to him. Just another encounter, just another death. He didn't hate me. He didn't even REMEMBER me."

I had not the slightest clue how you even reply to that, so I passed her a donut and ate one myself.

"Anyway, we have to forget them," Marquetta said to me.

Some part of my brain was screaming 'RUN AWAY', but I ignored it, not being a coward like Marcus. Bastard.

"Don't try anything," Sweetie said sternly and I jumped.

"Hello, young one," Marjorie said. "Are you enjoying the party?" she said after a pause, as if consulting a book of phrases in her head.

I glanced around but no sign of Dawn Gleaming feeding her lines from a book of etiquette.

"Very much, Princess," Sweetie said, curtseying to her as best a pony can (which is to say, it looked rather odd). "Spike, you have to let go. Marcus and Rarity are going to be together FOREVER." She had the emphasis on this that only a naive little filly can have.

I'm old enough to know better. Or maybe I've just read too much to not know better.

Though I kind of hoped Rarity and I would beat the odds.

"He's... I can't trust him," I told her. I wish I could. I remember the old days, when we were good buddies. I thought he and Twilight... that we...

Dammit, I got my drink on my eyes somehow or something.

Sweetie Belle suddenly looked mortified, while Marjorie studied me in confusion. I looked at myself. Okay, I do have a few crumbs but I look basically normal. Why is Marjorie confused?

Human-Rarity is so beautiful... It's weird. I can see the beauty in her both ways. "Do you think she's beautiful, Marjorie?" I asked her.

"Sweetie seems too young for mating but when she's a little older, she would likely be a good choice if you want a Pony," Marjorie said very hesitantly. "Her coat is clean and her mane well cared for, with no flaws in her teeth, hooves, or eyes. She possesses a strong Cutie Mark and is likely to be as or more potent than her sister some day. I don't know her ancestral tree well enough to study that, though," she continued.

"..." I stared at Marjorie in shock.

Sweetie stared, jaws wide open.

You know, she does have really clean, well-shaped teeth.

"I meant RARITY," I said urgently.

Rarity's head turned and now she began coming my way.

I panicked and ran, and she began chasing me, then Sweetie ran after me and then ALL HER FRIENDS joined the chase, laughing and shouting and now Ditzy chased after them. "Come back, fillies! This is an INDOOR party!"

I glanced back; EVERYONE was gaining on me. Dammit, why do Ponies have to be so fast? And humans so long-legged?

I thought about Rarity's legs and got my happy feeling, which stopped me long enough for everyone to crash into me and each other.

When the dust cleared, Ditzy herded the kids away and Rarity took me into a side room.

Then we nearly fell in a pit trap and she had to disarm swinging blades.

This place is DANGEROUS.

After that, we sat at a table. "Spike, I've avoided saying anything about this because I didn't want to hurt your feelings," Rarity said, looking nervous.

"Who told you? It was supposed to be a secret," I said urgently.

"Telling secrets is BAD," Pinkie said, stepping out of the closet.

"Pinkie, go," Rarity said firmly.

"Who blabbed?" Pinkie said urgently.

"I am not blind," Rarity said, slumping a little. "I just did not want to hurt Spike and I did not know how to handle it." She sighed.

"Okay," Pinkie said, then hugged me. "We all love you, you know," Pinkie said to me.

"Me too," I mumbled, embarrassed.

She let go and left.

"I don't know what to say," I said to Rarity's hands as they rested on the table.

"Neither do I," she said, sounding sad, which made my heart ache. "I like you, Spike. You're a dear friend and I would gladly fight to protect you. But I do not love you. And I'm sorry. I should have said something long ago, but I kept hoping you would give up and spare me having to do this."

"I forgive you," I said. How can I not? I love her.

"Spike, you shouldn't forgive me so easily," she told me. "I have taken advantage of your good nature too many times." She fingered her necklace. "It was unworthy of my role as the Element of Generosity. I would like to make it up to you. Within the limits of us being friends."

"He's going to hurt you," I said bitterly to her hands. I glanced at her and she looked so sad and guilty and now I felt horrible.

"This isn't about Marcus," she said. "It's about us. I suspected you had a crush on me and I did nothing about it. I liked it, even though I wasn't interested." She sounded very guilty now. "I can be vain if I am not careful."

"Only because you are so beautiful and kind and generous," I told her. "Sharing your beauty with us." For a moment, the pain faded.

She smiled, then made herself stop. "You are the generous one. You always helped me. Let me help you. I want to do something special for you as an apology."

"I want a moustache," I said, then forever regretted it.

"I am not sure if your kind of dragon can grow one except for a temporary magical one," she said. "Though Steven had a truly magnificent one." She tapped her cheek thoughtfully. "I will see what I can do for you there. But I should do more than that."

I can't decide if having her make me a suit would be the BEST or the WORST thing ever. Or both at once.

"Sweetie, stop spying on us and go play with your friends," Rarity suddenly said loudly, sounding irritated.

"I'm not spying!" Sweetie said in the hallway.

Now I REALLY wanted to die.

"Go back to the party!" Rarity said sharply. "This is between Spike and I."

Sweetie ran off. Stupid filly. Thinks she's so big. Worships stupid Marcus and the ground he walks on. Blah, blah, look what Marcus taught me, blah. He's probably going to make her into glue.

I suddenly realized I was curled up, somehow wetting my leg with my face, while Rarity patted my shoulder. I wanted to hug her but knew I couldn't.

DAMMIT.

"I'll think about it," I told her. "I have to go check my pet rock."

I ran and ran and then I ended up trapped inside a spinning crystal sphere somehow.

Twilight found me, got me out and took us back to her room, then held me while I shook and tried to pull myself together. "I know how you feel," she said softly.

"You should hate him," I said urgently. "What he did to you was WRONG. You cried so much and I just... I HATE HIM!" I shouted.

Her legs were so gentle around me, her body so warm. She looked very sad. "It will pass," she told me. "I know it feels like the end of the world, but it will pass. And one day, you and Rarity will be friends again without anything bad between you. And all you will remember is the good bits of this and not the bad." She kissed my forehead. "I'm here for you, Spike. I love you very much."

"Me too," I mumbled. "Do you think we can trust Marjorie? I want... She is a dragon but lots of dragons aren't very nice."

"We'll have to see," Twilight said to me. "She was quite worried about you, and confused. She's not very socially adept."

I was laughing and sad at the same time. "Hello, Mrs. Pot."

"Hey, I am the element of FRIENDSHIP," Twilight said defensively. "My studies of it are coming along VERY well."

Her 'studies'. I felt a little better. She's so cute when she tries to feign being as socially smooth as I am.

And I'm a *dragon*.

"Ready to face the party?"

"No, but now I'm hungry and thirsty," I said.

"No more donuts or you won't sleep before we reach Sind," Twilight said firmly to me.

"I'll have cake."

"No more sugar."

I got up. "You have to stop me."

"SPIKE!"

She chased me all the way to the party; I felt a little better by the time I got there.

Just a little.

******************

Dash-Vision, 20% Cooler Than Yours:

It's strange. Looking at Marjorie and her flunkies, I can see their bond to her and hers to them. Our bonds to each other, the Cutie Mark Crusader's bonds to each other. When Marcus and Rarity came out, I could just look at him and see his firm loyalty to all of us.

And how much he believes in me, which is a little embarrassing. But then, I think he still kind of has a thing for me, even if he is pretty firmly loyal to Rarity. Which is only logical; if you're going to be into mares, I am pretty cool.

He looks like he's shrunk but I know he hasn't. We're all bigger. I am fourteen hands high now!

Oooh...

After Rarity took off running after Spike, I sidled over to Marcus. "Come on, we have to make you scream now."

Marcus stared, mouth open wide.

"Flying," I said, grinning. "I have a boyfriend, you know."

"Sure," he said. "I guess you don't need the spell any more."

"Hah! I bet I'd be as big as Celestia with that spell," I told him. I feel so strong. I'm even taller than Big Macintosh!

Pretty soon, we headed down to a hanger. I put on my magic goggles and we took off.

I think I am faster but it's hard to tell. I feel so vigorous. Like I could fly forever.

He wasn't shaking.

Much.

Just a little, but given he can't fly, that's reasonable, though of course, I'd never let him fall. The one bad thing is that we're flying over the clouds, so it's kind of cold (for him) and you can't see the landscape. I think we're over Darokin; we're on the way back to return the Radhirajah.

I zoomed upwards, then plummeted.

Now he screamed. It was oddly reassuring.

"So what's it like, coming back from the dead?" I asked him.

"You get used to it," he said. "Celestia has a nice palace on her home plane."

"Man, when I am an Immortal, I am going to build a cloud the size of a continent. It'll be nothing but sky forever and cloud islands," I told him. "I guess I'll need a few solid bits for visitors, though." Do all immortals fly? I guess they shapeshift into something that can fly.

"Better make an alarm so you don't nap away a few centuries," Marcus said and I laughed.

He laughed too, and he sounded so happy. He's usually kind of melancholy; it takes someone happy like me to buck some cheer into him.

"I wish I could see the land," I said.

"Nothing stopping us dropping down. I doubt it'll compromise the mission," Marcus said.

So I plummeted through the clouds and now I could see the landscape spread out before us, the great lake in western Darokin with a fancy name... called... something...

"Lake Amsorak," Marcus said. He began humming a tune; I dimly remembered singing it with everyone when we ballooned back to Ponyville after White Plume Mountain. I began humming it as well.

Ships were crossing the waters, some of them strung out along a long line of navigation, others scattered about, fishing. White and blue and yellow sails caught the wind, pulling the ships to the great cities on the eastern and western shores, far below us.

I dove lower and I could see the crews hard at work, hauling goods. I could tell who they owed allegiance to at a glance, even if I don't know much about Umbarth House or Toney House or Franich House or Corun House. I could see their rivalries and enmities and the bonds built by shared labor.

We learned about some of this in school but I forgot it all. It was all lines on paper and the teacher droning on about how they skillfully tan monster hides in Corunglain and ship it to the Ethengars, who steal porcelain from the Heldaan Freeholds and trade it for the hides.

But there weren't any people in it.

But now I can see the old man piloting that ship. He's done it for decades, and he would die to save his ship, for it has saved him many times. He's been hauling spices from Sind to Akorros since before my parents were born. And he plans to do it until he dies. It's what he loves, the feeling of the wheel in his hands and the water below his ship.

He serves Franich House and has grown a strong loyalty to it, and it's loyal to him for he has served it well. Franich House is made of people.

I guess that sounds kind of silly, but I can see that now.

I can sense, dimly, the huge web of loyalties which holds Darokin together, feel threads extending into other countries too, a giant web of interconnections.

It was a little overwhelming but somehow reassuring. All of them were part of something larger, and yet they were themselves.

I flew down low and buzzed the ships; some of them waved, others shook fists and some just stared. Marcus waved, clearly enjoying the attention, even the insults.

"Feels good doesn't it?" I asked him.

"It feels wonderful," he said, smiling.

A letter landed on us. 'Scootaloo tried to follow you but I think she's lost. Can you find her? Twilight'.

That kid is going to be the death of me. But I know how she feels. I smiled a little. Kid's got a very bright future ahead of her.

If she doesn't get killed for being so rash.

Stop laughing, Marcus!

**************

Rarity's Tale:

I leaned on Father, embracing him around the neck. He looked slightly confused and I held him quietly. Poor Spike. He's a good guy, and he's been a great help to him but I've taken advantage of him too many times. He needs to move on and find someone his own age, like maybe Sweetie or Apple Bloom. Or Twist, who is a very sweet girl and needs someone bold and out-going like Spike.

Seeing Clarity and Spikey being all snuggly certainly can't help his state of mind. I could sense how much they share with each other; I can feel people's generosity or lack thereof. It started after I sewed the world back together, I think.

Clarity came over now and shyly nuzzled Father, who nuzzled her back. "We should send Mother a letter," she said to Father. Then she glanced at me.

I said nothing and just held onto Father. I could smell him at least a little like this and it comforted me. Father is always a pillar of strength.

"Yes. She'll be happy to have another daughter," he said warmly and she smiled brighter now. "Even if it's complicated to explain."

"So will you all be going back to Marjorie's base after this party?" I asked.

"Yes, though I plan to come down to Canterlot and see Mother soon," Clarity said. "We have a large mess to clean up and it's best we don't go back to Sind." She looked rather embarrassed.

What on Earth are we going to tell them? I know Luna told the Radhirajah some sort of story of what happened, but I'm not sure what it is.

And we need to contact the ambassador and make sure war hasn't already begun or civil war.

Fortunately, I am rather silver tongued. I should sit down with Twilight and do some cramming. She's a good leader, but she doesn't have my skills in this area. I really should have taken the lead more on it during our first visit but I was too busy being frustrated with father and snuggly with Marcus. I love him but I need to do my duty too.

We talked quietly for a while, until Marcus returned with Dash and Scootaloo. Ditzy now gave Scootaloo a lecture, while Dash and Marcus strode over. All the Elements of Harmony are taller now in pony form. My human form's taller too but it's not as noticable. "One boyfriend returned with virtue intact," Dash said cheerfully.

Clarity blinked and Spikey laughed loudly. Father snorted.

Ah, yes, this. I could feel his lack of generosity towards Marcus and it greatly annoyed me.

"Father, don't even say it," I told him. "Marcus is my boyfriend and I love him. So you can accept him or go crazy."

Marcus looked, understandably, tense.

Father sighed. "I do not like you but I am a wise enough man not to hit my head against a wall forever. If you hurt her, I will make you regret your own birth." I could feel how tense he was. "But you fought well and bravely. You can... have some cake," he trailed off lamely.

Dash laughed at that. "Oh, he'd do that anyway. Come on! CAKE TIME."

And with that, she dragged us away.

**************

Pinkie's Pie-Laden Point of View:

We just about squished Pinkamena in a big family hug before she had to go. It's one of the things families are for. I was very sad to see them go but I'm sure I'll see them again soon.

"Know that I'll always love you," I told her firmly.

"Nothing is eternal, you know that," she told me softly. She looked sad. But I could tell a spark of joy had been lit in her heart by this. And I was sure she'd fan it into a bright flame with time.

I've always been able to see joy a little but I can see it brighter now; the happiness around me makes me feel so good.

Except for the Radhirajah, who I guess is a gloomy gus by nature, though ADMITTEDLY, being kidnapped is one of the better reasons to be sad.

I suppose he's not looking forward to catching up on work. I expect the grease trap has started hunting live prey by now without me to clean it. I'd better see if Twilight has any good mystic cleansers.

"What was that about grease?" Mother asked.

"I will likely have to clean the grease trap when we finally get back to Ponyville," I said. "If I die there, you can give my astral sugar to Pinkamena, Inky, and Blinky," I told her. "Oh man, I bet I could make demon and devil-smacking pies with it!"

"Here, come with me, I'll show you how," Mother said. This is how I ended up in the galley during a PARTY, cleaning grease traps.

But Mother was enjoying it so much, I couldn't say no. We scrubbed them together. It's been a very long time since we last did chores together.

Mother gave a happy sigh when we finished. "Nice and sparkly clean," she said. It gleamed like fine bronze now.

I hope it's supposed to be bronze colored.

Mother likes everything neat and tidy and just so.

"Remember, always clean the kitchen after you cook," she said sternly.

"Yes, mother," I said. It's so easy to slide into old habits; they're comfy like well worn boots.

"My little Pinky, out saving the world," she said softly.

"When I become Immortal, I can take Kagyar a message for you if you want," I told her.

Her eyes widened. "You shouldn't joke about such things."

"I'm not," I told her. "It won't be easy but I am going to do it. For Pinkamena and our friends and all the people of this world who need some joy. For everyone who lives in darkness and doesn't even know light exists. I've seen what happens in a world where joy is dead." I shuddered at the memory. "One day, even the devils will laugh." I squatted on my hindquarters and put a hoof to my heart. "Whatever it takes, wherever I must go, even if it involves... math..." Just saying 'math' is like dunking my head in acid. Not the tasty kind. "I will do. One day, I will make them all laugh at me and I will laugh too and then we'll probably all ascend to whatever the next rung of the ladder is."

"Do you remember the Book of Embers?," Mother said softly. It's the final book of the holy texts of Kagyar. It's a prophecy of the end times.

"Orcus laughs but only at pain," I said, frowning. He's Kagyar's greatest enemy, Orcus the destroyer, who tears down all things and ensures nothing endures. All the works of our hands, he reduces to ashes and then he laughs, cold, mocking laughter at the idea of permanence or eternity.

He's mean.

"'Then sounds the final trump, when naught is left but Embers, and a hand comes down and lifts it all up,'" she quoted. "'For then return the great makers, to make the world anew, stronger and better. Pray you will join them on that day, when Immortal and mortal alike come before them for judgement. Then shall be judged how well you crafted and to what end. Then shall be made something higher and better. Something so beautiful we cannot even imagine it yet. A new day is coming, for every end is a new beginning. Be ready.'"

"No one really understands what that means," I told her. "All our preachers always skipped over it."

"Long ago, your father and I stumbled on something in a dungeon. Five Immortals worshipping something higher still. Maybe it keeps going up," Mother said hesitantly, strangely afraid. "Or there is a peak, beyond our ken. But I suppose it doesn't matter for us here and now."

I guess I am going to find out. I'd like to hope there's always something new to find, new to explore, new goals to follow. I like new things. "We need to go while cookies remain," I told her. "Thank you, Mother."

She nuzzled me gently. "I love you. I am proud of you. Please be careful."

"Says the great SECRET heroine," I told her. "So tell me about your adventures."

That kept us busy as we went back to the party AND made her happy.

Double score!

**************

Sweetie Belle's Lemon Scented Viewpoint:

As the ship headed for Sind to take the Radish-Rajah home, the five of us slipped off for a meeting before bedtime. "Well, we've come to the end of our first crusade," I said. "Everyone has their cutie marks now."

"FINALLY," Scootaloo said, sighing happily.

"But it's pretty clear this isn't the end for our club," Apple Bloom said, swishing her tail around, idly picking things up with it. "We never did get to go to the South Pole, for one thing."

"Or the north," Dinky pointed out. "Also, there's an OARD to be rooted out of Ponyville!"

If they're real, though it seems like they are.

"That should be our first order of business," Twist said. "Maybe I can make a candy to reveal them."

We began excitedly discussing plans for how to catch the evil time traveller.

TIME MONSTER BUSTING CRUSADERS GO!

Our first adventure is over, but our quests are just beginning. There's so many places to go and so many things to do. And I can do anywhere and do anything with my friends at my side.

Because this is where I belong.

Book 7: Epilogue

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Sequel Short Story: The Bringers of War

Sequel Short Story: The Bringers of War

This short story is part of the continuity of my story Mystara’s Little Ponies: Friendship is Adventuring. I have retconned something from the original story, as I have decided to make Cadence and Shining Armor part of this story’s canon.

The whole story is from Twilight’s perspective.

--John

*******************

The Bringers of War

By John Biles

Part of the Mystara’s Little Ponies: Friendship is Adventuring canon.

*******************

“HEEEELP ME!” I heard Pinkie shout in the distance. I was busy trying to finally solve the Four Solid Body problem which had eluded me for so long. However, a casual remark from Spike about things floating in milk had *finally* unlocked the answer to it.

Or so I hoped as I needed another half hour or so to get it to work.

I prayed this wasn’t some Pinkie prank and I promptly teleported to where she’d been yelling.

This landed me in a street nearby; Pinkie, however, was far down the street, pulling a very large cart full of desserts; she was running full tilt and there did not, in fact, seem to be anything she needed saving from.

Then Spike shouted from the balcony of the library, “Twilight, if you can hear me, I just got a message from Celestia!”

It never rains but it pours, as Grandmother says.

“Read it, I have to save Pinkie or possibly lecture her for wasting my time!” I shouted and teleported over to Pinkie.

Who kept going; I gave up on teleporting and ran after her. “Pinkie, what’s wrong?”

“If I stop, the cart keeps going and if it hits me, I’ll lose all this food I’m supposed to deliver!” Pinkie shouted.

Studying her as she ran, I could see that she’d rigged up some improvised hitch with ropes instead of using the cart’s actual hitch, which was now propped up so it wouldn’t drag on the ground using more ropes. Why wasn’t she using a proper hitch which would transmit her slowing down to the wagon? So the laws of motion dictated it continued to move, since she could only transmit acceleration, not deceleration with the ropes. But why not just use the wagon’s rig?

“Pinkie, why didn’t you properly hitch yourself to this wagon?” I asked. I had this vague feeling of impending doom and I didn’t know why.

“I’m too big and the halter doesn’t fit me any more!” she wailed. “And I didn’t have time to buy a new one because then everything would be *late*.”

I felt foolish for not noticing the problem; we’ve all grown a lot larger as we begin to progress towards Immortality. I hadn’t thought about it because I rarely pull a cart and like most Ponies, I only wear clothing for formal occasions. My bed is still big enough, though if I reach Celestia’s size, I’ll need a new bed.

Among other things.

I began to telekinetically push on the cart, slowing it. “Gradually slow down, Pinkie.” She gradually slowed down from a gallop to a canter to a trot to a walk. We stopped about ten feet shy of the docks on the East River.

“Where were you delivering these?” I asked her.

“Filthy Rich ordered them for his daughter’s birthday party,” Pinkie said. “Diamond Tiara probably would have cried for hours with no cake!”

I stared at the huge amount of desserts. “Nopony can eat that much dessert, not even you.”

“*Party*,” Pinkie said. “All her friends will come and eat cake and everything else too. It’s just, she’s the birthday girl.”

“Well, I hope she has a good time,” I told Pinkie. “I’ll help you get the cart over, then you had best go get a new halter at the…” I paused. “Wherever you buy one.” I’ve never actually bought one.

“I’ll have to ask Big Macintosh,” Pinkie said. “I’ve never actually bought one that wasn’t free with the cart.”

“The cart shop, then,” I said. “Let’s go!”

***************

You know how things mount up. Spike sent me a letter, but I didn’t have time to read it because we had to stop the Crusaders from ‘inspecting the desserts for Oards’, then deliver the desserts, then go to the cart shop and then we both had to sit for halter fittings, since I needed a bigger one, then we had to get lunch and then Daisy somehow got stranded on a cloud. So I had to get her down and then the Mayor needed me to fix the new Early Warning Monster Detection System, which of course turned out to actually be some shiny rocks in a box and a complete *fraud*.

So I went to go get Spike to send a complaint to the Magical Registration Bureau, which had allegedly inspected this thing, and he said, “Celestia needs to see you, like right now. I’ve been running all over town trying to find you.”

Oh no, now I’ve let Celestia down! Spike had even sent me a letter immediately, and I *didn’t read it!* I could have avoided messing up but I didn’t! Guilt plagued me as I rushed down to the station and hopped the next train with Spike, spending the whole time fretting that I would have to start over on Immortality from scratch. This is what happens when my careful planning gets disrupted!

My nightmares of having to go all the way back to being a filly were disrupted by arriving in Canterlot. Moondancer was standing there, looking bored, but she perked up when I arrived.

“It’s good to see you again, Twilight,” she said cheerfully.

I suddenly became keenly aware that I was taller than everypony and all of them were looking at me. Which happens all the time now. “It’s nice to see you too,” I told her, suddenly feeling guilty I had blown off her birthday party back when I left Canterlot to go to Ponyville. But I was a different pony, then.

“I am going to teleport us to save time,” she said. “Since you’re late.”

I winced at that and Spike got on my back to make it easier for her to move us; it’s harder for him to climb up, though; I’ve grown more than him. So I gave him a little telekinetic nudge.

Moondancer moved in close to us, her black mane with silver star-flecks spilling about. Then her mane suddenly spread out like a thundercloud and there were stars everywhere and then we were inside a stone room I didn’t recognize. The walls were laden with runes and the floor and ceiling too. I could feel massive amounts of magic.

“What is this?” I asked her.

“It’s a secure teleportation room. Anyone without a cutie mark can’t get in at all, and it only allows those with certain marks to teleport in or out,” Moondancer said. She pointed to the walls; I could see my own mark, a platinum helmet (which I didn’t recognize as that of anyone I know), Moondancer’s, Luna, and Celestia. The one for me looked recently added.

“How did I get in?” Spike asked.

“My magic brought you,” Moondancer said. She opened the door out with her magic; there were two squads each of Earth Pony, Unicorn, and Pegasus soldiers outside, in a large square stone room; there were no windows and the air was weakly magical. Further, the room was teleport-blocked. And scrying-blocked. And a lot of other things were barred too.

Where on Mystara are we?

The Captain of the Guards was a huge Earth Pony, as big as I am or Big Mac, who wore rune-covered armor. His platinum helmet cutie mark was the same as the one I’d seen in the teleportation chamber, but how could an Earth Pony teleport? I guess it’s not impossible he learned Wizardry, but it’s very hard for non-Unicorns. I would have thought I would have heard of him.

Or could he be a Bard? But I don’t think Bards can teleport.

“The Princesses are waiting,” he said impatiently, looking displeased at us.

Now I really wanted to die. “I am so sorry, sir, things were very hectic in Ponyville.”

“Twilight, this is Captain Blue Pop,” Moondancer said, sounding close to laughing. This made the captain grimace more. “Captain Blue Pop, this is Twilight Sparkle, student of Princess Celestia.” She emphasized ‘Celestia’.

He grumbled, then said, “They are awaiting you.”

“Why on Mystara are you named Blue Pop?” Spike asked.

SPIKE!!!!

“Why hasn’t someone made you into gumbo, alligator boy?” Captain Blue Pop said irritably. “Moondancer, there are no pets on the guest list.”

“Spike goes where Twilight goes,” Moondancer said smoothly. “He’s only a baby, please forgive him.”

“I am a *young* dragon! I already had my first period of Dragonsleep!” Spike protested.

Moondancer glared at him, and he said, “I’m sorry, Captain.” He didn’t sound very sorry.

“The Princess trusts Spike’s discretion to transmit messages,” I told him. “Please let him in. Also, he is a dragon, not an alligator-man.” I quickly sketched out a picture of the alligator-men who live in Western Brun. “They are known as Gurrash. You may notice the prolonged snout, the tall muscular build and the long tail, all of which Spike is lacking.”

“He doesn’t look much like a dragon either,” Captain Blue Pop said irritably. “Anyway. Go!” He pointed to the only exit door.

I suddenly wondered how all these guards got down here if the only way in was teleporting. As I assume they are guarding the room beyond and it’s not how they got in.

But we went without further ado.

*******************

“I am muscular,” Spike grumbled as he walked with us into the room in which the Princesses were. “Hi, Princess Luna, Princess Celestia!”, he said cheerfully. “Hello… hello?” He was now staring at the third figure in the room.

It was a spectral pony, translucent and purple like myself in color but with a curly red mane and a long beard. He was male and wore a pointed hat and a robe covered with stars and fringed with bells.

It couldn’t be.

I stared, eyes wide.

“Starswirl the Bearded?” I said in absolute shock.

“I am but his creation,” the spectral pony said, but he smiled, clearly pleased to be known. “It is my duty to watch over our guests below.”

“Guests,” Luna said, frowning.

“Welcome, Twilight, to one of the greatest secrets of Equestria,” Celestia said to me, then came over and nuzzled me gently. I blushed a little and nuzzled her back. She’s always so kind to me.

While we did this, Moondancer was talking quietly to Luna and Spike wobbled on my back, then hugged Celestia’s head.

In addition to Luna, Celestia and the Starswirl construct, this room had runes of protection all over the walls and in the center was a very large cabinet attached to cables; it looked like it could be sent down through a hole in the floor.

“This chamber allows us to descend to a room so secret we cannot mention it until we reach it,” Luna said solemnly. “Let us go quickly.”

Celestia gently nuzzled her sister, who jumped. “Relax, dear. It will be fine.”

The fact that this made Luna nervous made me nervous. If an Immortal becomes jumpy, it is not irrational to feel jumpy yourself. But I did a quick mental exercise and then I followed them into the cabinet, which then began to descend.

“You must be very old,” I said to the construct. “What is your name, sir?”

“I am the Watcher,” he said. “But Celestia liked to call me Ruddy, and that is fine too.”

“But you’re not actually ruddy,” I said hesitantly.

“His hair,” Spike said.

“Manes and coats can’t really be ruddy,” I said to Spike.

“Are you alright? You are exceptionally yourself today,” Celestia said, sounding a little worried.

“I have no idea where we are going or why, but I can tell it’s important,” I told her. “I hope I can live up to your trust in me.”

“You always live up to my hopes for you,” Celestia said warmly, and I relaxed. “I was going to tease you but I feared it would be too much.” She sighed, clearly disappointed.

I laughed nervously, then said, “Where are we going?”

“You will learn soon,” Ruddy said kindly, even if his name isn’t actually very accurate, but neither was Blue Pop. I’m not even sure what ‘Pop’ is.

“What is Pop?” Spike asked.

“Spike,” I said a little chidingly. We had enough trouble with the Captain.

“Captain Blue Pop’s name remains a mystery to us,” Princess Luna said very seriously. “His parents had a dream and named him that but it remains unclear why he has the name.” She shook her head. “Many pony names are appropriate but I always feel bad for those stuck with one that does not fit.”

“He could apply to have it changed but he’s stubborn,” Celestia said, shaking her head.

I had so many questions for Ruddy but was afraid to ask. I didn’t want to completely geek out in front of the princesses but he must know so much. Starswirl lived during the Age of Shadows, before the Princesses were born, even before Ponies were enslaved by the Orcs. There are five great Mysteries which he hinted at only enigmatically in his memoirs. This must be one of them!

“I… are we going to the Hollow World?” I asked excitedly. “Or the World Shield?” Mystara is hollow and there is another sun in the middle and lots of ancient civilizations saved from destruction by the Immortals. Starswirl somehow visited the Hollow World; normally, you have to go to the huge openings at the Poles to reach it.

“This is indeed the Fantabulous Elevator of Starswirl the Bearded,” Ruddy said solemnly.

“Is it true there’s a kingdom of dragons in the Hollow World?” Spike asked excitedly.

That was a great book: Daring Doo and the Hidden Kingdom. I’m not sure how historically accurate it was, though; I only know a little of the Hollow World.

“There is,” Celestia said to Spike. “We are not going all the way to the Hollow World, though we could if we chose.”

Looking around, I could see no sign of actual controls; Ruddy must control it.

“We are going part of the way to the World Shield,” Luna said. “To the Secret Crystal Observatory, built by Starswirl to keep an eye on the Burrowers.”

“But aren’t they all inside the World Shield, trying to destroy the Hollow World?” I said, frowning. The Entropics released them to wreck havoc there; most of them are currently deep asleep but sometimes they wake and cause trouble.

Celestia looked around, concentrated for a few seconds, then said softly, “Two of them escaped, forcing the Equestrian Plateau and a huge amount of other rock upwards, enabling them to slide through the World Shield and begin to wake here, on the other side. Starswirl discovered them and tried to organize Ponies to keep watch over them.”

Ruddy sighed. “But few took it seriously enough, and eventually, he departed for the planes after creating me to run the observatory.”

“Tell me he didn’t become Keraptis,” Spike suddenly said.

Ruddy blinked. “What?”

Luna looked at Spike in confusion and Moondancer said, “Why would you think that?”

“He talks about Celestia like she was his old girlfriend,” Spike said, frowning.

“No, I knew him long ago,” Celestia said softly. “But that is another story.” She looked distant and old and I felt uncomfortable, worried we’d brought up bad memories.

Luna sighed, then said, “No one knows his final fate. Just that he is not dead or if he is, his soul has gone missing. But that’s a story for another day too.”

My eyes widened. “His soul is missing? I had read that he was thought dead.”

“We know things mortals do not,” Celestia said. “Do not spread it around. You are all trusted with things that others are not.”

Spike looked kind of nervous but I felt very proud. Moondancer nodded solemnly.

We chatted about inconsequential things; Luna and Celestia both seemed worried someone would overhear us and that they’d said too much already, though this thing is warded so strongly, I know that *I* could not scry into or out of it.

“Does that mean…,” I began.

“Not yet,” Celestia said. “I trust them greatly but we must be sure they do not turn aside from their paths before we tangle them up in things which touch on the affairs of Immortals.”

I gulped, and Spike looked very nervous now.

Especially since Moondancer was studying him. I don’t know her well, not as much as I should. I was too anti-social then. She is very smart, far more nimble than I am, and she likes to show off her dancing skills. But I don’t really know her beyond that.

And knowing she started studying with Celestia and Luna after I left Canterlot.

“I will do my best to be discreet,” Spike said. “But why me?”

“You and Twilight’s fates are tied,” Celestia said. “Further, you will have to handle any special communication on this topic, anyway.”

Spike smiled brightly, and I felt good for him, that Celestia trusted him so much.

“You can’t tell your coltfriend either,” Luna suddenly said.

“He’s not my coltfriend,” I said. Yet. I’ve been seeing West Wind, a Pegasus courier who works for Franich House in Darokin. But we can’t see each other much, so I don’t know if it will go anywhere. But he’s a cool guy and I like him.

“I know someone else with a not-boyfriend,” Celestia said cheerfully with a naughty grin.

“You shouldn’t brag about yourself,” Moondancer said, though she was smiling.

Luna said, “You shouldn’t lead him on, Celestia,” shaking her head.

Celestia’s eyes widened slightly. “I suppose I have no room to talk. I am interested, but not sure if I should pursue it.” I am not used to hearing Celestia uncertain; it makes me uncomfortable.

“Well, you should make up your mind,” Luna said, shaking her head.

“I could say that of you,” Celestia said, smiling a little again.

“We are just friends,” Luna said firmly.

“Well, I have an actual coltfriend and we know what we’re doing,” Moondancer said, rolling her eyes. “But I won’t tell him.”

“I won’t tell anyone,” Spike mumbled, then sighed.

Sorry, Spike.

“Anyway,” Celestia said. “I don’t have fluff on me again, do I?”

She did have some fluff on her, I now noticed.

Somehow getting her groomed kept us busy until we reached our destination and stepped out into another room.

******************

Take a gem the size of a very large house and hollow it out; that is what the Crystal Observatory is like; it’s a huge soft blue gemstone with other gems set into the main gem, with tunnels and ramps inside it to various levels with some walls carved to be very smooth and project images. The elevator opened into the middle level and we went down a ramp to the lowest level.

Here, Ruddy worked the controls, an array of gemstones forming a rainbow with fourteen colors. A wall lit up with lights and resolved into an array of runes, numbers, and two pictures of huge monsters. One was a giant worm-like creature with purple scales and many teeth in his mouth, which worms don’t normally have. The other had a cubical body with a hard shell and long tentacles coming out of two opposing faces and a giant mouth at the base of each set of tentacles. Each was ringed by fancy crystalline apparatus and was inside otherwise solid rock. Readouts which intrigued me but which I didn’t understand kept flashing on the screen.

“These are the Burrowers. We perform the daily moon and sun ceremonies to draw power to fuel the engines which keep them asleep,” Celestia said. “This is one of Equestria’s deepest secrets.”

Spike studied them. “They just look like giant monsters.” He was not impressed.

“The Burrowers feed on chaos and then feed it back to make more chaos. When they’re fully functional, they feed on trouble, then push people’s minds to cause more trouble, which gives them more power to work with,” Moondancer said a little lecturingly, before I could answer. “I know, I wasn’t impressed the first time I came here, either.”

I hadn’t thought about it but it was clear she already knew about this place. Which made me feel kind of down that she found out first.

Which is why my mark was just added and hers was older.

I guess I have been off in Ponyville, but…

“Before you go, I will show you what must be done for the ceremony,” Celestia said. “Since you’re operating from Ponyville, you may not need to use that information for a good while, but it’s best to let you train in advance.”

I wanted to ask her why she hadn’t told me before but now I was afraid to find out. Had I done something wrong? But Celestia didn’t look disappointed at all.

“So these things were made to destroy the Hollow World?” Spike asked. “They seem kind of small for that.”

“Not so much to physically destroy it as to render it chaotic. Four immortals worked together to create it but the Entropics were not invited and this was their revenge, to make something that would destroy their efforts to preserve cultures close to destruction,” Luna said. “An entirely petty revenge. Their purpose is to be bringers of war and death and destruction.”

Ruddy cocked his head. “Someone is trying to activate the elevator from the Hollow World end.”

“Can you handle it or do we need to intervene?” Celestia asked, suddenly very serious.

“I will see,” he said and winked out.

“I wouldn’t mind riding down while we’re here,” Spike said hopefully.

“I’d love to see it too,” Moondancer confessed.

For just a moment, I was afraid the Cu… Immortality Mark Crusaders had somehow gotten down there. Surely not.

Even if they had tried going to the poles recently.

Which reminds me, I need to finish planning our *adult* polar expedition, since Dash wants to go so urgently. I’m proud of her, but this is going to complicate things.

“You haven’t told Marcus about this place, right?” Spike suddenly asked.

“Not yet,” Celestia said. “Eventually, he will need to know but not yet.”

Spike looked happier than the brightness of the sun.

My brain suddenly put three pieces together. “Did Tirek serve the Burrowers?” He was an ancient centaur warlord who battled Starswirl the Bearded back in the Age of Shadows. He served a mysterious immortal who doesn’t show up anywhere else in the records, and the temple was a big stone cube. Rather like that burrower but without the tentacles.

“Yes, and Grogar as well,” Celestia said. “And they had an influence on the Orcs who ruled here as well. Many ancient horrors were drawn here by the Burrowers. But now they are too weak and torpid to cause trouble, so long as we keep them so.”

Rudy reappeared. “It’s a group of Azcans,” he said. “I should be able to handle this easily; we get groups like this every so often.”

They’re the descendants of the humans who lived in this area before Ponies; they got wiped out by a disaster but the Immortals saved them and took them to the Hollow World. However, from what little I know, they seem to have decided the outside world was destroyed and now they sacrifice people to the inner sun for fear it will go out and they will die out.

“Just in case, I will go,” Luna said, taking on a human form but with flashing red eyes, fangs, and four extra arms. Each of which carried something for killing people. It was rather disturbing and I jumped back instinctively, while Moondancer stared, eyes wide. “This should scare them off,” she said, then disappeared.

That would scare me off if it wasn’t really urgent.

Celestia smiled gently at us. “Do not be afraid, my little ponies. Though you are not little any more, Twilight.”

Moondancer looked envious but said nothing. I smiled, though it made me nervous. “Everyone treats me differently,” I told her. “Not my friends but even people who know me well, seem…” I wasn’t sure how to describe it.

“Intimidated. Respectful. A little awe,” Spike said.

Celestia sighed. “Yes. Which is why I am glad you have your friends to accompany you. Why I am glad to have my sister back. We all need friends who can see past that. But you must expect more of that.”

“Who created these things?” Spike asked.

“Thanatos, the current hierarch of Entropy,” Celestia said. “After the War of Lost Memories, he took command of the Sphere and has ruled it ever since.” She grimaced, then shook her head and sighed.

Long ago, before ponies or humans or dwarves or any of us who live here now, the Immortals made war and it was such a mess that only a handful survived and even they no longer remember their origins, immortals like Odin, Thanatos, and Ixion. The Elements of Harmony pre-date the war, one of a handful of artifacts to survive from that era.

“Let’s show you the rest of the features here,” Celestia said and we got the whole tour; even though you’re deep inside the plateau here, you can still see the night sky from one of the observatories and look down into the Hollow World as well; we watched Luna chasing Azcans around, shouting about how she drinks souls and eats shadows and they fled, clearly planning to never come back. Spike kept laughing the whole time.

Celestia laughed softly. “Luna’s always been good at scaring people.”

Like when she was Nightmare Moon, I thought. I suddenly wondered what Nightmare Celestia would be like. Not that I want that ever to happen.

Finally, the Azcans were gone and Luna came back to us, reverting to her normal pony appearance. “Problem resolved.”

“Are all the cultures in the Hollow World directly under their original homelands?” Spike asked.

“No, the geography is different and some groups would have to be put on top of others if the Council of the Hollow World did that,” Luna said.

“What happens when they run out of space?” I asked. “There’s only so much room.”

“It hasn’t happened yet, but it will,” Celestia said, looking thoughtful. “But that will be the Council of the Hollow World’s problem, not ours.” She frowned, then said, “Anyway, we should return to the surface before people begin to worry and then show you the ceremony in its fullest aspect, Twilight. You will help with the Moon ceremony tonight and the Sun in the morning. Along with Moondancer.”

Moondancer now did an elaborate spin on one hoof; I would probably break half my bones if I tried that. “Don’t worry, it’s easy if you’re nimble,” she said proudly.

Which I am not.

“Man, I’ll go get some healing potions in advance. And bandages,” Spike said.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Spike.

*********************

Moondancer was relentless, never mean or harsh but relentless, pushing me like crazy as I tried to learn the ceremonial dance, which is actually a way for us to channel the magical energies involved in the ceremony. I handled the singing part a lot better because I sing well. But I am a terrible dancer.

It was never all that important before! If I had known… I had always assumed it had to be Celestia and Luna.

How am I going to fit dance classes into my schedule???

Especially when I have all these other new things too.

Then I managed to trip and fall on Spike, who thankfully just laughed.

“Focus,” Moondancer said. “If you don’t pay attention, you could hurt yourself a lot more than that during the ceremony.” This time her voice was harsh.

“I’m not much of a dancer,” I confessed.

“I know,” Moondancer said. It wasn’t harsh but it cut like a knife.

“Are you angry with me?” I asked her.

“No,” she said, but I think she’s lying. Rarity would probably know why. I don’t get it. “Now, let’s try it again.”

I tripped again! This isn’t acceptable! Princess Celestia is relying on me! But the more I tried, the worse I got.

Finally, Moondancer got called away and I got a chance to take a bath and rest.

*****************

It is very kind of Celestia to let me keep my tower for my visits to Canterlot. It’s comfortable. So comfortable, I fell asleep on my old bed and Spike… I guess he wandered off or something. He wasn’t there when I woke up. Fortunately, I still had time before sunset; it’s summer and days are long.

Or I would have slept through it.

There was a note from Spike: ‘Went down to Donut Joe’s, see you at the ceremony.’

I decided to make some… I don’t think I have any food in here. It would go bad, so keeping food here would be a waste. Maybe I could drop by my parent’s place.

I teleported to their front door; I have learned, painfully, to never ever teleport into your parent’s house when they aren’t expecting you.

Mother looked surprised to see me but ushered me in and soon I was having soup with them. It tasted so good; I was really hungry. “This is something Boldavian, right?” The more potatoes and garlic, the more likely it’s Boldavian.

“It’s a vegetarianized version; we used kufo instead of the beef,” Mother said. Father was too busy eating to say anything. “So tell me about this boy you’re seeing.”

I hadn’t said anything about West Wind to her yet; I wasn’t sure if it would go anywhere. How did she even know?

“Mothers know, dear,” she said, amused.

“Spike visited while you were napping, mentioned him,” Father said and Mother looked disappointed.

So I ended up telling them about West Wind and the two dates we’ve been on. Three if you count the dance. Thankfully, neither of our dates ended in a monster attack.

The one we missed was missed because of a monster attack; a giant clam somehow wandered out of the Everfree. I still don’t know how a giant clam got into a *forest*.

And no, it could not have swum up the river.

When I finished that, then Mother asked, “And what’s this about twins?”

I had been meaning to tell her but I wanted to bring Dawn Gleaming to see her and she’s always so busy. And lives in the Broken Lands, though at least we can send mail via Spike and Spikey. “It’s complicated. She’s a duplicate of me made by the Moon Dragon.”

“I thought the moon was inhabited by cat-people,” Father said. “In fact, I’m pretty sure of it.”

“The Immortal. It’s a long story and I will explain it when I have time but I have to help with the moon raising tonight.” Assuming I don’t stumble into Luna, causing her to fling the Moon into deep space, where it hits one of the other planets and then the entire Solar system becomes one giant game of billiards!

“Breathe,” Father said.

I breathed and relaxed.

Then I had more of the soup, which soothed me.

“You really need to keep in touch more,” Mother said chidingly. “It’s not like you can’t send us letters.”

I’m just always so busy. “I’m sorry,” I said to her. “I’d better get going so I’m not late to the ceremony.”

“Good luck,” Father said to me.

“Keep in touch,” Mother said firmly.

I should send my brother a letter too; I’m not even sure where he’s stationed now.

I am a bad sister.

So I headed out for the ceremony, feeling rather down.

****************

The good news is that I did not fling either of Mystara’s moons out of its orbit into another planet. The bad news is that I fell down in front of everyone, causing panic, though Luna quickly settled everything.

“Few unicorns can pull anything that nimble off,” Luna told me afterwards as we walked together; Moondancer had gone off with Celestia, who was kinder to me than I deserved. “It helps if you can do that but I don’t expect you to start with it, especially since you will likely have a lot of time to practice before anything happens where you have to step in. Dance takes as much study as academic matters,” she said, sounding rueful.

“You were completely graceful,” I said, embarrassed.

“Due to centuries of practice and being an Immortal,” Luna said. “I had a hard time at the start. And your singing was very good.”

It’s hard for me to imagine Luna and Celestia having a hard time at anything.

“Oh, I was your age once,” Luna said. “I was far too impatient and tended to rush everything and get myself in trouble. And Celly had physical grace and I was so awkward.” She shook her head. “Your friend Rarity reminds me of Celestia in her youth in many ways.”

“Really? Rarity would be flattered.”

“It’s why I can’t tell her,” Luna said as we reached her chambers. “Her head would swell up.”

We sat down and had some tea; it’s easy for unicorns to be graceful at this. “Rarity is very graceful. And more physical than you’d think. I mean, better at such things.”

“Her father is military, I’m sure he wanted her to be able to defend herself,” Luna said. “Father did his best to teach us to be strong, but Celestia was better at it than I was. I was more interested in knowledge, like you.”

I could see the many books on the shelves on one wall of the parlor; I’ve ready about a quarter of them. Some of them are really old and crumbling. “I can’t even… imagine Celestia hitting someone, though I’m sure she must have.” Maybe imagine it a little but she’s so peaceful. Impish sometimes, but peaceful.

Luna carefully squeezed lemon into her tea. “Oh, I hit people more than she did, but she was better at it. I had a temper and she didn’t. And I could not *stand* to see ponies treated badly.” Her voice heated up. “Even when it wasn’t wise to leap in. When things aren’t urgent, I am a better thinker, but Celestia keeps her head better than I do.”

“I have never seen her actually angry,” I told Luna, then sipped my wonderful black tea. It’s from Prance, I believe.

“It’s a terrible thing. The wrath of any Immortal is a terrible thing to behold but the wrath of the peaceful mare is worst of all.”

Fluttershy, I thought.

We now sipped tea quietly for a minute, and then she said to me, “I am the last person to tell anyone to be patient, but don’t feel bad about tonight. You will have plenty of time to learn and it’s not necessary to be as fancy as Moondancer can be.”

“But I could tell it helped her work the energies so precisely,” I said, feeling embarrassed.

“Everyone must find their own way; her magic works through enhancing her body; it’s an unusual talent for a unicorn. You have more power than her for other magic but you could likely spend forever trying to catch up to her talent and never make it. It’s easy to drive yourself crazy that way,” Luna said. “Trying to beat someone at their own game can make you crazy.” Her eyes looked far away and sad and now I felt bad for making her feel bad.

“She isn’t happy with me but she won’t even say why,” I confessed to Luna, hoping she knew. “Surely it’s not because I skipped her birthday party.”

“She is not that petty or we would not trust her with our secrets,” Luna said. Now she sipped her tea thoughtfully. “Whatever it may be, she has not said anything about you in my presence that sticks in my mind. And didn’t seem bothered the last time you were in Canterlot. She may just be having a few bad days.”

“Maybe it’s because I was late and she had to wait for me at the station,” I said. “I am *so* sorry about that.”

“Well, you should talk to her about it,” Luna said. “I can only guess and Celestia is better at this sort of thing than I.” She shook her head, smiling ruefully. “Which I spent a lot of time envying. But I have come to learn to focus on my strengths and not worry that that others outdo me in other things.”

The fireplace roared up and suddenly spat out a letter. Luna grimaced at the fireplace.

“Ooh, Spike must have learned a new trick,” I said.

“It isn’t Spike, it’s Mother,” Luna said, drawing the letter over and eyeing it like a snake as it floated before her, suffused by dark blue energy.

I studied it carefully. “No sign of traps,” I told her. Not magical ones, anyway.

Luna sighed deeply. “I should probably just burn this.”

I can imagine having Loki as your mother isn’t easy.

“From my knowledge of your mother, I think burning it would cause her to do something like sneak in and paint the message on the wall of your throne room, adding a coda in which she asks you if you will ever give her grandchildren.” Or something more embarrassing.

Luna buried her face in her forehooves. “I know. I know.”

“Does she know?” I asked, then decided to take it private, casting a mind-talk spell. ‘About the observatory and the burrowers?’

‘Mother knows about the burrowers for sure, probably about the elevator and probably the observatory,’ Luna told me. Out loud, she said, “I will read now,” and began doing so while I drank tea.

‘What if she takes the Crusaders there?’ I asked Luna.

Luna dropped the letter and buried her face in her forehooves again. Then she shook her head and picked up the letter with her magic again. ‘Let us pray not.’ She turned the letter sideways, studying something on it. “How is that even possible?”

“What is it?” I asked.

“Nothing,” she said quickly, then ate the letter to my shock. “A little paper helps with digestion,” she said quickly, then guzzled tea.

I stared with no idea what to do.

“Moondancer often likes to dance at night,” Luna said, then paused. “As you probably already know. If you go to the gardens, you might be able to get to the bottom of this while I go dunk my head.”

I started to speak, stopped myself, then said, “If you see Spike, can you tell him to make sure not to stay up too late?” I’m not even sure where he is. “As we’ll need to be up for the sunrise.”

“Of course,” Luna said.

I headed out to find Moondancer, while wondering why Luna has to go dunk her head.

And why did she turn the letter sideways?

***************

I was musing on seventh century Ochelean cyphers, which could involve rotating the page; the hango form of the script has some characters which change meaning when turned a quarter or ninety degrees because they resemble other characters when you do that.

Among many problems with their writing system, though admittedly, with hango, it’s much harder to put down the wrong word, except through oddities like that.

I tried inventing my own writing system once but I could never get it to meet all my goals.

Anyway, I was musing on this so hard, I nearly walked into Moondancer, who leaped over me and spun in the air to land facing me. “Watch where you’re going!” she said, then sighed. “Hello, Twilight.”

“Hello, Moondancer. I know a great place to get a donut. Want to go?”

She stared at me in surprise, then said softly, “Sure.”

We headed out to Donut Joe’s.

**************

“I don’t know, my parents just named me that,” Donut Joe said to Moondancer. I couldn’t believe she’d never been here; Spike and I came here whenever we wanted baked goods in the old days.

“Okay,” Moondancer said, then got three pink glazed donuts and a cup of coffee. I got three plain cake with cinnamon and one glazed with sprinkles. And a cup of black tea.

I know, it’s not ‘plain’ if it has cinnamon on it. I didn’t invent donut terminology.

“Look, I can tell you’re not happy with me and I don’t know what I did, and I’d like to make it up to you,” I told Moondancer.

“I’m not angry with you,” Moondancer insisted, then munched on one of her pink glazed donuts. “Wow, these are better than my usual place.”

“Spike and I used to come here all the time.” I told her. “You don’t seem happy with me. I didn’t mean to offend you, whatever I did.”

She studied me over another donut, then drank coffee while I sipped my tea through a straw.

“You really are different,” she said softly.

“From what?” I asked, confused, then had more of my glazed donut. Then I tried to get the sugar off my lips.

“I’ve never actually seen you try to apologize before, even if you’re a little clumsy at it,” she said, then drank more coffee. Is she just not going to sleep tonight?

“I apologize whenever I am wrong,” I told her, offended.

“Yes, but you could never admit it before,” she said. “You were rather rude to everyone all the time. Which made everyone uncomfortable.”

I sighed and hung my head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t understand the value of friendship then.”

“And…” She frowned, then drank more coffee. “Even just looking at those burrowers makes me crankier than usual.”

Was I crankier? I don’t know. I didn’t feel cranky, I think. “They just intrigued me, while making me worry but I think we shouldn’t talk about them, right?”

Her eyes widened and she looked around; no one was paying any attention to us. “And I hate waiting for people.”

“That was all my fault,” I told her.

Then we chatted about people we knew at school and what they were doing… which she knew all about and I didn’t. I’d completely blown a chance to make a lot of friends then. And she didn’t.

But now I have lots of friends too. Though I wasn’t sure how close Moondancer was to any of them. But surely she had some friends as close as I do, if she had so many friends at school.

I also got her to show me some simpler moves for the morning, then headed back to the castle with her; I needed sleep even if she apparently planned to never sleep again with how much coffee she drank.

All’s well that ends well, right?

****************

Except it wasn’t over. Spike was home, asleep but he smelled of sugar and milk and hadn’t even washed his mouth and two more young dragons were crashed out on the floor by his bed. I don’t even know them.

The good thing was a letter from West Wind on my bed with sticky dragon fingerprints on it. I don’t know how he found Spike to give it to deliver, but I quickly found it was a request to dine with him for breakfast. I hope Celestia won’t mind if I either go eat with him or invite him.

The other was that when I was busy washing my face so I wouldn’t go to bed with sugar on it, *unlike Spike*, I could see a red coated, firey maned mare the same size as Celestia in the mirror behind me.

I spun and found Cunning Thought had invaded my bathroom. I bowed; it is unwise to be disrespectful to any Immortal, entropy or not. “Good evening, your highness,” I said to her.

“Hello, my rather large pony,” she said with an exact mimicry of Celestia’s tone. “So you’ve been down to see the poor lads on ice.”

It took me a few seconds to figure out what on Mystara she meant, given the lack of ice down there. “I can neither confirm nor deny that,” I told her carefully. “Would you like some tea that won’t stop you from sleeping?”

For a moment, she cocked her head, studied me, then said, “Yes.”

So I made more black tea. I love the taste anyway. She breathed in the steam, then sipped her tea. “No snacks?”

“I’m not stocked up here,” I told her and she looked so sad that I felt guilty.

I never expected Cunning Thought to be able to look so sad.

“More MILK,” Spike shouted, then suddenly rolled over in his bed, still asleep.

“I could ask the chefs to make something.” If they’re even awake.

Cunning Thought concentrated and a plate of lettuce wraps appeared. “It’s okay, I will do my part for this little party.”

Taking food from Cunning Thought is not wise but I couldn’t be rude, so I hesitated.

“They’re good,” she said and took one, munching on it. Just to be polite.

“RUBIES,” Spike now shouted.

He is going to be such a mess in the morning; I shouldn’t have just let him run loose but I was distracted.

“Poor little dear, he’s going to be incoherent all of tomorrow,” Cunning Thought said sadly.

“So what brings you here?” I asked her.

“Well, since you will be part of our family soon, I wanted to get to know my new granddaughter,” she said cheerfully.

“I’m not being literally adopted,” I said weakly.

“We Pony Immortals must stick together,” she said cheerfully. How can someone of the Sphere of Entropy be so relentlessly cheery?

“I already have a mother,” I said weakly.

“Who will die soon and you will go on without her forever,” Cunning Thought said. “Those friends you rely on, even Spike. You will outlive them all.”

She must not know about the plan for all of us. So I won’t say anything. “If I did not become immortal, I would lose them anyway,” I told her. “But this way, I will never forget them, whereas if I died, I would forget them.”

“And West Wind?” she said lightly.

How does she even know?

“We both know the score,” I told her. “I can’t just never look at a stallion again.” Though it does worry me. It’s likely why Celestia and Luna have never married. And it worries me about Big Macintosh and Celestia.

Even if it goes perfectly, eventually he will die.

But I guess she’s had that happen before.

I finished my lettuce wrap and drank more tea.

Spike belched loudly.

He won’t be the only one sleeping badly if this keeps up.

“Have you ever been with a stallion or just looked?” she said curiously.

I stared, mouth open wide. How could she ask that???

“Ahh, no, I thought not but it wasn’t impossible you and Celestia’s boytoy had done something in times past,” she said as if this was something to talk about so cheerfully.

“It wouldn’t be any of your business if we did,” I said firmly. “I really should be getting to bed; I have to help raise the sun in the morning.”

“Help draw power for Celestia’s secret project, yes,” Cunning Thought said. “You know why she picked you to be her apprentice, right?”

Here comes some lie meant to drive a wedge between us, no doubt. “I make the best sandwiches,” I told her.

“Be…” She paused. “What?”

“There was a cooking contest, and I won,” I told her. “It wasn’t easy, either.” I now launched into a long, rambling lie about the contest. Spike continued to babble in his sleep.

“You really are tired,” she said. “You reminded her of Luna. She needed a sister-substitute. Of course, now she has the real thing.” She made a hoof gesture. “I was rather disappointed to lose her from our team but she did rather get herself in trouble with her first plot.” Cunning Thought sighed. “I had to pull a few strings to keep her out of even more trouble. And of course, when her punishment is finally up… she goes and does the same thing, then switches sides. It’s not easy being a mother.”

I thought about my mother and felt guilty. “No, I suppose it isn’t. But I don’t know if I will ever know.”

“You should talk to Luna; she had children; they’re all long dead, though they have descendants. She and the first Blueblood were a cute couple, until he died,” Cunning Thought said, then stretched.

“So Blueblood really was Celestia’s nephew,” I said softly. I’d never really tracked his full ancestry. Too many projects, not enough time.

“Yes,” Cunning Thought said. “I warned her but she wouldn’t listen. Children never listen until it’s too late.” She shook her head. “Be careful who you love; you will lose them even if their love never falters.”

“Did you love Celestia’s father?” I asked softly, both curious and trying to get a dig back at her. Petty, I know. And dangerous with an immortal.

“We had a difficult relationship but I still admire him. Sometimes I hated him and sometimes I loved him,” Cunning Thought said, her eyes far away, like Luna’s had been earlier. “He got what he wanted and I got what I wanted. His people are free.” She sounded satisfied with that. “And they didn’t end up in that hellpit, the Hollow World.”

“It’s not a hellpit,” I said chidingly. “It’s a place to save and preserve cultures so they won’t be destroyed.”

“It’s a museum but the exhibits are *alive*, forced to spend eternity playing out the same mistakes, never changing, never growing, never *learning*,” Cunning Thought said, sounding as bitter as if someone had dropped the Hollow World on her house.

“I know there are scholars there; I’ve read a few texts by them,” I said defensively. “And dropping giant monster worms and other things which cause people to go crazy and murder each other and unleash demons was *not* the best way to change things,” I told her hotly. “Do you know how many have suffered because of those things?”

“Do you know how many people have had their hearts torn out by the Azcans when the sun *doesn’t need* their hearts? How many slaves will never see freedom because slavery *can never be abolished*? How many Brute-Men will freeze to death this winter because they can’t invent fire?” She sounded outraged. “The Hollow World is an abomination against all freedom and ability of any people to govern itself. It makes a mockery of why mortals exist. Tyranny won’t unmake itself. Mind you, I’d have chosen something a little more subtle myself but back then, Thanatos wasn’t much good at being subtle.”

He still isn’t, from what I know. Though he is more so than, say, Orcus.

“I think there’s a lot of space in between ‘this is bad’ and ‘therefore, let’s unleash soul-destroying, mind-twisting monsters’,” I said firmly to her. Then I yawned. “Anyway, I am sorry but I really must sleep.”

“You can’t break an adamantine wall with a pecan cracker,” Cunning Thought said. “Goodnight, dear daughter.” Then she nuzzled me, looking cheerful as if we both hadn’t gotten passionate at each other.

How can she do that?

I nuzzled her back instinctively, then felt embarrassed and she was gone.

“Fire the main cannon!” Spike howled.

I am going to be such a corpse in the morning.

****************

“You’re not a human in disguise, right?” Mother asked West Wind at breakfast. I wanted to die, and he stared at her, mouth open wide.

“Umm… why would you even think that?” he asked weakly.

The sun-raising had gone well even if I was exhausted after dealing with Spike, who right now is still in bed, moaning, as far as I know. He wasn’t fit to bring with me. Celestia was very understanding that I had to see Mother, though.

“Her last boyfriend was a human,” Father said.

“He wasn’t my boyfriend!” I told them firmly. I had wanted him to be but it didn’t work out. And now he’s dating Rarity but that’s another story.

“You can’t rewrite history, dear,” Mother said, shaking her head.

This is probably revenge for when I turned her into a potted plant, which was totally an accident.

“I’ve rewritten inaccurate texts lots of times,” I said stubbornly.

West Wind worked on his breakfast, laughing nervously.

Then we had a twenty minute argument over the history of astronomy. Father looked amused and West Wind ate quietly, and I felt bad for him.

“I’m sorry, you must be bored,” I said to him apologetically.

“It’s nice to see you so passionate about something you care about,” he said warmly and I turned a little red.

“You’re not wanted for crimes in six countries like her last boyfriend, right?” Mother asked West Wind skeptically.

“MOTHER!” I shouted, then buried my face in my hooves.

“Your brother never dates international criminals,” Mother said chidingly to me.

“We weren’t dating and he is not a criminal,” I said angrily. Well, I guess by some country’s stupid laws he is, but the Thyatians think things like slavery is fine, so I don’t care what they think. “He’s one of Celestia’s agents now and she would not hire someone terrible.”

“I’m only wanted in four countries,” West Wind said, then laughed, as did Father. Mother eyed him suspiciously.

“That was a joke,” I said to her. Why does she have to be so stubborn?

“She’s just worried about her only daughter,” Father said to West Wind. “I already ran a check on you, so we know you’re clean.”

He laughed nervously and I prayed this wouldn’t mean I would never see him again.

**************

“Your parents are kind of paranoid,” he said to me as we were walking after that. He had a meeting but I was going to walk to it with him, then go see Celestia.

I laughed nervously. “I’m sorry. There was a guy and it was messy and now they worry about me. But he’s not a bad guy.”

“The one who is dating your friend Rarity,” he said.

“Yes,” I mumbled.

“Well, that’s the past and I don’t care about the past,” he said. “Just the future.”

Pegasi are like that, I’ve noticed. Though Rainbow Dash has been trying to study history more lately. I gave a sigh of relief and he laughed and I frowned at him. “Don’t laugh at me,” I said.

“Sorry, Twilight. I guess maybe that joke didn’t go down well with your parents, though.” He sighed. “One of the things you learn in this business is how to diffuse tension with humor but it doesn’t always go over well. But then, I’m a courier, not a diplomat. Though I hope to move up to that eventually.”

“Good luck,” I told him. “Study hard and I’m sure you’ll do well.”

We’d reached Franich House’s base in Canterlot, so he kissed me quickly, then said, “I’ll drop you a note next time I’m around! Have fun with the Princess!”

I smiled at him. “I will. Be careful!”

“Not much danger of that,” he said cheerfully, then flew to an upper story balcony and went inside.

We may not see each other again for a few weeks, most likely. I couldn’t help but think of what Cunning Though had said.

But I don’t care. I don’t know if this will go anywhere, but it’s… I guess it’s kind of nice to date someone who understands what it means to be busy. I don’t know if this will go anywhere more serious, but we’ll see.

It’s not like I don’t have three million other things to do also.

Like getting to the castle before I am late *again*.

****************

I was intercepted by servants, who dressed me up in fancy clothing; Spike was already in his tux and helped. Then I spent the rest of the morning basically lurking next to Celestia, being introduced to people and trying to remember a million names. While people stared at me in surprise. I had Spike take notes but without pictures it’s going to be hard to remember them all; Spike tried sketching them but they ended up stick-ponies.

Celestia and I had a private lunch, by which time I was very tired and somewhat overwhelmed. “Sorry, dear,” she said. “But there are lots of people who need to get used to knowing you and who you will need to know, down the road.”

“Your mother dropped in on me last night,” I told her, then had more of my linguini.

Celestia got wine up her nose, then looked embarrassed. I tried not to laugh too hard. “I didn’t even notice,” she said, frowning.

“I’m sorry, she didn’t do anything bad, just badmouthed people,” I said frantically.

“It’s okay, dear,” she said. “What did she say?”

I told her everything I could remember.

“Man, I slept through the whole thing,” Spike said, then yawned loudly.

“You did well, Twilight,” Celestia said and I smiled brightly. “I suspect Mother knows more than she’s saying.” She sighed. “Mother is very good at looking foolish, then coming out the winner anyway. And you will need to keep an eye on Sweetie and her friends.”

“Mr. Davenport locked them in a supply closet the other day when they tried taking apart one of his couches because they thought some sort of alien monster was in it,” I said, rubbing my forehead. “They’re convinced Oards have infiltrated Ponyville.”

“It’s not impossible,” Celestia said. “I doubt we can stop them looking, so you will need to guide them enough so they stay out of trouble without them realizing you’re nudging them.”

I laughed nervously. “I don’t even know how.”

“I trust you to figure out some way to channel their energies productively,” Celestia said. “I’ve asked Marcus to do that as well, since he’ll be helping to teach the children in Ponyville.”

“Did you know I’d fall in love with him?” I asked Celestia softly, afraid of the answer.

“No, I just hoped you would become friends and he’d draw you out of your shell. I was quite happy when you did and sad when he panicked and fled instead of staying,” Celestia said to me. “I didn’t think either of us would ever see him again. But even Immortals can be surprised. It’s important you understand that. We all tend to put up a front of knowing everything and that everything around us is a complicated plan in which everything is under our control. But while I do have a lot of complex plans in play, I am often caught by surprise when people do what I don’t expect. And Mother is notorious for her plans blowing up when someone isn’t as venial, petty, or nasty as she expected them to be.”

“Like when I told her that I became your apprentice by making the best sandwich,” I said, feeling a little proud of myself for flummoxing Cunning Thought.

“Spike makes the best sandwiches,” Celestia said kindly.

Spike had fallen asleep and did not reply.

“Do I really remind you of Luna?” I blurted out.

“In some ways yes, in other ways no. You don’t have her temper or impulsiveness. But both of you are very knowledge-oriented. Luna wanted to learn about everything, to see everything, when she was your age. And she’s still better at handling information than I am. I have picked up a lot but I am not a scholar on the level you two are,” Celestia said very seriously to me. “When you are my age, you will likely know far more than I know right now.”

That’s a strange feeling, knowing that. I hope I am as wise as Celestia one day. “I hope I did okay this morning.”

“You were fine,” Celestia told me. “Other than when you bumped into me.”

I buried my face in my hooves.

“It’s okay. Start with the basics; no one can jump straight to expertise. It’s just like when you learned magic; you had huge power but you still had to start with basic spells. Think of it like that and you’ll be fine. It’s not likely you’ll have to do it on your own any time in the next few years. But it’s time for us to start planning for the future. Luna and I won’t be here forever. And one day, you’ll have to train up successors to watch over Equestria and its secrets too.”

Intellectually, I knew eventually the other Immortals would want them to move on from here. Emotionally is another question. “I don’t want you to leave,” I confessed.

“Sooner or later, Immortals must move on to higher things,” Celestia said. “I love Equestria but I can’t stay here forever.” She sighed. “All things end in time. But we must enjoy them while they last without clinging to them so hard we can’t let go.” She looked thoughtful and then munched on her pasta.

We ate quietly for a while, then Spike groggily woke up and resumed eating. “Am I underwater?” he mumbled.

Celestia playfully splashed him with a little of her water and he began to flail. “I’m drowning!”

“Spike, you’re just a mess from eating too much sugar again,” I told him. I don’t know why dragons get affected like this. It’s *not* in the books. You’d think someone would have noticed before now! “No sugar for you at all today.”

“Oh man,” he grumbled, then dug into his food.

“Anyway, you should go back to Ponyville, as I’m sure you have work there,” Celestia said. “I will likely summon you again in a few weeks for another ceremony. You might ask Rarity to help you practice the moves; she is a very graceful pony.”

Scootaloo is a good dancer and she’s helped in the ceremony…

The realization I am thinking of asking Scootaloo for help on something important is somewhat stunning.

But she needs a distraction, right? She’ll *love* this.

Though I know she’s training with Ivan when she’s not working for her aunt; her family sends her to help Carrot Top a lot, I know.

I know because she won’t stop complaining about it.

“I will. And Scootaloo, since she’s done it too.” I paused. “I’m worried for them, with your mother having taken an interest in them.”

“So am I,” Celestia said. “But I must put this problem in your hooves. There is too much to do here.” She sounded apologetic.

“It’s okay,” I told her. “You can trust in me.”

“I always do,” she said.

I smiled brightly. “One last thing…” I touched her mind. ‘I know the Burrowers are a secret but is there some kind of code name for them we can use in public?’

‘The Bringers of War,’ Celestia said. ‘If they awaken, it will be because of strife and they will bring war and chaos in their wake. Let us pray they remain asleep.’

I don’t want war to come to Equestria either.

But I’ll be ready if it does.

The last thing we need is another age of the like of Tirek and Grogar and their ilk.

One day Celestia will leave…

But I’ll worry about that some other time; it’s likely to be far in the future. But it’s probably going to eat at me all day.

*****************

I forgot about it sooner than I thought, mainly because by dinner time I was back in Ponyville, covered in wet, sticky hay, and rolling down a hill screaming as the Crusaders and Big Mac chased me, apologizing and trying to save me, while I tried and failed to be able to concentrate enough to teleport out.

I begin to see why Applejack is wary of my efforts to help her improve her farm.

But I *test* extensively, then go large-scale, whereas I see Applebloom goes straight to the big model.

I will lecture her later, when I’m not likely to end up at Doctor Belle’s clinic.

Fortunately, landing in the East River caused the hay bale to come apart and I just swam to shore, then shook myself off on the Crusaders. It’s lecture time.

But I enjoy lectures, so maybe this wasn’t so bad. All’s well that ends well, right?

I have a feeling it’s going to be an exciting fall soon. But first, we have to go to the North Pole before it gets too cold for it. But that’s an adventure for another day. My next adventure… a nice warm bath. I am sticky all over despite falling in the river.

Now I’m curious why it didn’t wash off.

I really don’t need another project.

I wrote Celestia a letter about it when I got home, then went off to go take a bath and relax. I think I’ve earned it.

THE END

Short Story 2: 2000% Cooler

Short Story 2: 2000% Cooler

“Twiiiilight,” I said to her as I came into the library, my saddlebags bulging with books I’d been consulting.

Yes, books.

I feel like I’ve been possessed or something but these are half really interesting.

And half making me crazy.

“Hey, Dash, done already?” she said, surprised.

“I have questions,” I told her, busting out three of the books and quickly paging to my bookmarks. I’ve bought a ton of them because flipping pages with hooves isn’t easy. I normally don’t want Unicorn magic but I can see why Unicorns read so much… it’s got to be easier for them.

I could see Spike and Dinky shelving books; I didn’t know Dinky was working here. Good for her. Unicorns get lazy easily.

Also, it means Spike isn’t moping 24-7 like he had been. I hate it when people mope.

The books sat on the table, open to two maps of Blackmoor and a map of the current polar region with Blackmoorian landmarks printed in red over the black current terrain. Anyone with a keen eye like mine could, in fact, see that the three maps all presented *different versions of Blackmoor’s terrain*. Nevermind that I’m still trying to figure out where in Blackmoor the place we need to visit is; I can’t even figure out which Blackmoor to look in!

And Dawn Gleaming sent me a letter via Spikey indicating that she couldn’t find any useful maps inside the research facility. I am trying to go through the memory globes, but they’re full of references to *other* places. I could tell you where all of Dr. Birei’s children lived, where his son died… but they never are kind enough to say where *they* are. Other than near a town named Kozioko, which of course is *not on the maps*.

“What’s the… oh dear,” Twilight said. “These maps don’t match each other.” She frowned at them as if frowning at them would somehow *fix* them.

“Yes, that’s the problem. And they didn’t mark the town closest to the place, Kozioko!,” I said, feeling frustrated.

“Are you sure it’s near Kozioko?” she asked me. “Maybe there’s a translation problem.”

“I am really good at this now,” I told her. I think she’s a little jealous I can understand Ancient Blackmoorian better than her. Admittedly, only using my Element of Harmony. And it gives me a headache if I do it for long. But I’ve pored over the globes for all the clues they can give me.

She sighed. “There’s never enough time to know everything and just when you think you’d never need it, you need it.”

“Isn’t there some ritual you could use?” I told her, now feeling sorry for her; she just looked so mopey.

“Too expensive to keep using over and over,” Twilight said, frowning. She studied the books carefully. “I believe this overlay map is based on the most recent scholarship; Archmagister Molay is a leader in Blackmoor scholarship; he teaches at the Great School of Magic in Glantri; he’s kin to the Aendyrs, I think.”

That didn’t mean much to me beyond, “So you think he’d know.”

“Yes,” she said. “Hmm, we do know something. They had to be far enough away from any major Utherite reactor to avoid just blowing up when it all detonated.” She quickly made a copy of the map and began drawing circles.

That eliminated half the country. “Further, if it’s in this region, it’s now destroyed.” She pointed to the central hole which now leads down into the Hollow World. “Some of the globes show outdoor shots. Maybe we can narrow down the local terrain from that enough to eliminate more of this.”

“Cast the Walk on Clouds spell and I’ll carry you up to my place and we can look,” I told her. I have the spheres because I can understand them the easiest.

Twilight cast the spell on herself, then clambered onto my back, so I could carry her up to my house. We were soon airborne and Twilight was smiling.

“You look happy,” I told her. Not that it’s *bad*, I mean.

“Getting to do a research project with you makes me happy,” Twilight said. “And seeing you work so hard makes me happy too.”

“I work hard all the time!” I told her; I am not a Rarity but I’m not socially blind either.

She giggled and I grumbled the rest of the way up.

*******************

2000% Cooler

By John Biles

Part of the Mystara’s Little Ponies: Friendship is Adventuring canon.

*******************

Twilight stared at my spare room which I’d converted into viewing globe central station. There was a table with the viewer in the middle, and boxes of the globes everywhere. It was the messiest room in the house, if you didn’t know my organizing method. “This is chaos,” she said.

I ruffled her mane. “*This* is chaos. I know exactly where everything is according to my organization plan,” I told her, feeling proud.

“Which is?” she asked curiously.

“I work through the box under the table; once I have viewed them all, I move the box to the left of the table and get a box right of the table and view it,” I said proudly. “That way I don’t forget which ones I’ve viewed.”

“And?” she asked.

“And what?” I asked her.

She facehoofed. “I should have brought Spike. We’re going to have to organize this.”

“It is organized,” I said. I do not want to spend hours sorting through these to put them in alphabetical order… how could put these things in more order than this, anyway?

******************

“Next time, get Spike,” I said as we both laid on the floor, exhausted from sorting them by date. And making quick notes on the topic of each one. The sun was down and I was starving and too hungry and tired to get up and get food.

If this is how I die, I am going to be really mad.

The good news was that we had everything sorted and it would speed things up in the future.

If we have one.

Spike sending a letter about how he was eating over at Applejack’s place and how we’d miss it if we didn’t hurry did not help at all.

Before we could die, though, Tank, my pet turtle, finally made it back from the kitchen, dropping apples in front of each of us. That gave me enough strength to rise and try to carry Twilight to Applejack’s, though we ended up crashing into the barn and being buried in hay until Big Macintosh dug us out.

At that point, I would have likely eaten my way out if he hadn’t been handy, though.

****************

AJ was as AJ as ever, laughing at us when we came in with straw on us, though Spike and Big Mac were kind enough to help us get it off. Granny Smith, Applebloom, Dinky, and to my surprise, Scootaloo, were there also for dinner, crowded around the dining room table, which was laden with food.

Fortunately, I like apples, as you pretty much end up with a lot of variations on apples if you eat at AJ’s. To my surprise, we also had Ochelean rice and a carrot salad. I don’t think AJ actually dislikes carrots, but she and Carrot Top do have a rivalry over whose food is healthier and stuff. “Carrots?” I said.

“I brought it! It’s really good,” Scootaloo said urgently to me. “I had to work for Aunt Carrot Top all day, and she only pays me in carrots.” She sniffed herself. “I even smell like a carrot,” she mumbled.

“I’m surprised Dinky wasn’t working with you too.” I know Carrot Top often takes care of Dinky when Ditzy is working.

“I know! It’s not fair!,” Scootaloo said, frustrated.

“Twilight’s tutoring me and I help her out; Mom can’t train me in Magic and neither can the Doctor and Sparkler’s off at her school in Canterlot all the time now,” Dinky said, looking frustrated herself.

“You’re a big help,” Spike said to Dinky and now Dinky smiled widely.

I ruffled Scootaloo’s mane. “You and me, we’re not cut out for libraries.”

She smiled brightly and I smiled.

“I know. If you ran the library, it would be divided between books you’d read and books you hadn’t and that’s all,” Twilight said, sounding tired and frustrated.

“I guess that would just put all the books in one pile with Twilight runnin’ the place,” AJ said, sounding amused.

“I had it under control,” I said to Twilight. “You insisted we do all that work.” I frowned. I had it! I was handling it!

“Enough fightin’; you’re both exhausted. Git some food in you before you starve,” AJ said, then started eating.

One advantage of eating at AJ’s is that you can just stuff your face. Unlike when I was little. My mother is even more frou-frou than Rarity; she can be hard to deal with. The hideous outfits she made me wear…

Fortunately, she’s too busy to visit and so she’ll never meet Rarity.

Which would doom me.

“You gonna eat that?” Applebloom asked me, eyeing my fried apples.

“Yes,” I said, wolfing it down. That’s the flipside… you’d better eat fast so no one else eats it for you.

Dinky and Applebloom and Scootaloo were yammering about Oards. They’ve been running around trying to find them; I suspect they’ve been sent on a wild goose chase, but it’s funny to watch.

Sweetie still won’t explain how she got trapped in Fluttershy’s garbage can.

Scootaloo said, “It could be that it’s a tunneler, like those stupid rabbits who keep digging under Aunt Carrot Top’s crops.”

“What, again?” AJ said, frowning.

Then Scootaloo looked at her plate. “Okay, who made off with my carrot salad?”

“You probably ate it and forgot,” Applebloom said.

“I couldn’t forget eating it that fast,” Scootaloo said, frowning.

“In this house, if you look away, the food’s gone forever,” I told her.

“Hey, we *ask*,” AJ said. “It makes sure food doesn’t get wasted.”

Scootaloo got more salad, but then some of it went missing again while we were all talking. Now Twilight perked up. “Hmm, let me see if I can reveal something invisible.”

“Probably your food fell through a crack into another dimension,” Dinky said, then carefully studied the plate with some kind of spell.

“There ain’t no dimensional cracks in my plates,” AJ said, offended. “I paid good money for those.”

“Probably Big Mac’s fillyfriends snuck in and stole it,” Applebloom said.

“I don’t have no fillyfriend,” he mumbled.

You have *four*. I’d have to date most of the male Wonderbolts to top that.

Then Soarin’ would kill me.

I suddenly missed him; he has to work a lot, being a Wonderbolt.

A Wonderbolt.

It’s starting to look like I might never be one. But I hardly even have time to nap with all the work I have now. And if I really become Immortal…

Granny studied the plate intently. “Flip ‘er over,” she said.

“I’ll spill food on the floor if I do that,” Scootaloo said, looking confused.

Spike lifted it up so Granny could see under it. “Nothing there.”

“I’s rememberin’ one time, back in Wenbly… Wambly…Wistenwoot…,” Granny looked more and more frustrated.

“Wendar?” Twilight asked while weaving some kind of spell.

“Yeah, that place. Anyhoot, Steel Grip, he got this hideous thing in his ear from trying to listen to a door and it tried to eat through to his brain,” Granny said, shaking her head at the memory.

“I wasn’t trying to listen to my plate,” Scootaloo said, frowning.

I began laughing at the idea and she glared at me.

“Sorry, Scoots, I wasn’t laughing at you, just at the idea of listening to a plate,” I told her.

“Did he die?” Applebloom asked tensely.

“Fortunately, he didn’t have much of a brain for it to eat,” she said. Then she gulped down the rest of her food. “The moral of that story is to never draw to an inside straight.”

Applebloom flopped over, Scootaloo laughed, and Dinky said, “Hmm, that would explain a few things.” This got more laughter while Dinky looked confused at them laughing.

Twilight finished her spell. “Hmm, traces of shadow magic.”

“It waren’t me!” Applebloom protested. “I ain’t allowed to tamper with nature’s way inside the house.”

“Zactly,” Granny said. “Earth ponies monkeying around with shadow magic ain’t natural.”

“But I’m good at it,” Applebloom mumbled.

“Just keep your experiments at your clubhouse,” AJ said to her. She turned to Twilight. “Some shadow monster stole Scootaloo’s food?”

“It waren’t me!” Applebloom protested.

“Maybe Sweetie or Twist is playing a prank with their cloaks?” Spike speculated.

Twilight cast a spell; there was lingering magic near the window, which we now noticed was open.

Scootaloo rose, leaped out the window and gave chase, though I don’t know how she knew which way to go.

Or if she knew.

“It could be the Oard!” Dinky shouted and ran after her. Soon the kids were all running and AJ and Twilight and Spike were running after them.

I made sure to get all the food I needed to refuel before they got back. Man, I eat so much now. Because I’m so big.

****************

“Thanks for helping me with this fence,” Big Mac said to me a little later; I was helping him move boards into place to fix the fence. The others hadn’t come back yet and it was getting dark. But I assumed Twilight would have Spike mail me if it was a crisis.

“Not many ponies in this town could move these this easy,” I said. It’s not bragging, just a matter of fact.

“Yeah,” he said appreciatively. Is he checking me out? I am sexy but he already has more fillyfriends than is good for someone! But a second later, he was just studying the boards.

I wish Soarin’ was here.

“So which one of your harem do you like best?” I teased him.

“I don’t have a harem,” he grumbled. Then he dragged some more boards and I did the same.

“Are you telling me you don’t like any of them?” I said, finding this hard to believe.

“I didn’t say that,” he said. Then he studied the whole section of smashed up fence. Beyond it was an open field where cattle grazed and beyond that, the East River and beyond that, the Everfree Forest. “We need to add a gate.”

“Did they smash the fence because they were too hungry to go round to the gate?” I asked curiously. But it looked smashed in from the field side. “If you do like them, why not date one of them?” If he says ‘I want them all’, he gets clobbered.

“I dunno if any of them really knows me,” he said to the shattered fence sections. “And anyone I marry is gonna have to help run this farm. AJ and Applebloom, I think they’re gonna move on, down the line.” He sounded sad and I now felt guilty even though I’m not his sister and not leaving him. “Roseluck, Daisy, Lily, they have their own business and farmland and everything. I dunno how we’d make that work out.”

They have… I guess flowers do need to be grown and won’t just drift out of the sky.

Shut up.

I pay very little attention to those three. Or flowers. Other than eating them.

“And Celestia is, well, Celestia,” I said softly.

“Exactly,” he said. “I mean, she’s so… but she…” He started to get flustered and kick things. Then he was back to normal. “I’m just a normal Earth Pony. I can’t even tell if she’s just teasing me like she does to Marcus.”

I felt like I ought to help him but I am totally the worst person for this.

Not that I can tell him that.

“Well, you’re still young,” I said lamely. “Though… you are older than AJ, right?”

“Yeah,” he said. “Anyway, let’s fix this fence.”

We had it about half-fixed when everyone joined us. An embarrassed Ivan was with them, being carried in the air by Twilight. “Hey, everyone,” I said. “You have fun while we were working hard?” I teased them.

AJ looked like I’d hit her with a ton of bricks, while Applebloom said, “It was a training exercise.” She sounded aggravated.

“Man, you all run fast,” Ivan said, very tired.

“Well, now you get to help fix the fence,” AJ said, aggravated. “Keep your trainin’ out of my house.”

“What?” I asked.

“Scootaloo needs to become more alert, so she had to catch me making off with her food,” Ivan said as Twilight set him down. “Pass me some rope, I’ll start tying knots.”

Spike began cutting rope segments and Ivan nimbly threaded them in without even needing instructions. I’d nearly tied myself to the first set I had done.

“You cheated with shadow trick stuff!” Scootaloo protested.

“Monsters won’t play by rules,” Ivan said very seriously to her and she jumped back a step. “Sorry, Applejack. I won’t do it again.”

“You kids shouldn’t be tryin’ to find monsters,” AJ said sternly to them.

“We have to find the Oard and really, I’ve seen things that would make your hat fall off. *Forever*,” Dinky said, trying to sound spooky. She reared up and waved her hooves around, trying to act like… a ghost, maybe?

“Uh huh,” AJ said. “Hey, Dash.” She studied my hooves.

Now I studied my hooves. “What’s wrong with my hooves?”

“What? No, I mean, thanks for helping with the fence,” she said softly.

“It’s what friends are for,” I told her, smiling and she smiled back, cheering up. “Anyway, you fed me. And Big Mac needed a bodyguard to keep the ladies off him.”

“Dash!” he said, shaking his head.

“What broke the fence?” I asked, surveying our work and feeling proud of it.

“Some ogres used it as their target for a rock throwing contest,” AJ said, sighing. “From across the river. I guess they’re good at throwing.” She gestured across the field with a hoof towards the East River.

Man, I hope they never decide to use my house for that. “Did you get rid of them?”

“They won’t try that again,” AJ said. “Okay, let’s get ‘er done.” We all got down to work again, though it would go faster with more people.

*****************

Afterwards, we made the kids go home or go to bed as appropriate, then all had some of the orange brandy which AJ’s… well, we decided to use the word ‘twin’. It’s simplest. Anyway, Apple Blossom had sent AJ some of her best stuff and we had some and ate these really nice crackers Twilight got in Canterlot which are from some place I’ve never heard of.

Anyway, they were tasty and that’s all that mattered.

Ivan tried to make a dramatic exit and crashed into the wall and just slept on the floor. I ended up crashing at Twilight’s, too tired to fly home.

Thankfully, Spike did not moan about Rarity all night this time.

The next morning, I had to go over to Rarity’s in order to get fitted for my cold weather gear. Twilight says it’s far colder than Equestrian winter there. Given everything freezes over in winter here, I’m guessing that’s pretty cold.

“Rarity, I don’t need bows on my hood,” I told her, standing in her workshop with her and Sweetie doing the fitting. The outfits are actually rather like the Wonderbolt uniforms but with a hood instead of the head part. I expect it’s because a Wonderbolt uniform would probably mess up her manestyle.

You know Rarity.

Sweetie was here helping her, now using her magic to move tape measures around and cloth and just showing off. You know how fillies who just got their Cutie Mark are.

I didn’t need a fortune reading but I let her do one anyway, because, you know, kids.

“But Dash, daaarling,” Rarity said, dragging the word out. “Stallions like it when a woman pretties herself up and you do have a coltfriend now.” She pulled a seam around on the outfit, then frowned at it, looking dubious.

I wish Soarin’ could go with us but he can’t take that much time off. “Given I’m not out to seduce Ivan, Spike, or Marcus, that won’t matter,” I told her. That being said, I rather like the trailing lightning bolts and the deep blue color with flecks of white, like snow was coming down. “Take the bows off; it’s fine otherwise.”

She gave me the look, the look that says ‘remember the fashion show and those free outfits?’ The ones we fucked up by ignoring her advice. I began to sweat. “They’re too frilly. They’re not *me*,” I told her. “This isn’t pretty, it’s a work uniform.”

“Oh, but Rarity’s is totally gorgeous,” Sweetie said. “And nothing says you can’t look good while working!” She touched her pink visor; I don’t know why she was wearing one inside Rarity’s shop.

I paused, then put on my goggles. Not a problem, whew. I may need them if there’s thick snow.

“Hmm, good point,” Rarity said. “I’d better make everyone some snow goggles. But the bows, they are totally you. There’s one to match each shade of your hair!”

“Which makes my hair less unique,” I countered.

“It compliments your hair, darling,” she said to me sternly.

She knows this stuff, but I really don’t want frilly ribbons. I writhed, caught between hating ribbons and Rarity’s proven expertise at these things.

Sweetie shuffled her cards and began dealing, studying them thoughtfully. She laid out a spread, studying it. “I predict you’ll regret if you get rid of the ribbons.”

She’s got to be making it up.

That’s the perfect trick to just reinforce whatever you want by claiming divine… magical… whatever sanction.

“See? You’ll be glad they were there,” Rarity said, gesturing at the ribbons, then the cards.

They planned this.

I sighed. “Fine.”

I’d better not end up regretting my generosity in putting up with this!

*****************

I have to finish cracking the secret of where to find that place. I tried using the Element to guide me in throwing darts at a copy of the map but it didn’t work. I am drowning in information from the globes, but no one will just say ‘Hey, Dash in the future, we live HERE.’

Unfortunately.

So I went flying to clear my head. Also, I had weatherpony duties, anyway; we had to clear away clouds and push them south where they are needed. One of the reasons Ponyville has an unusually large weather crew is that uncontrolled weather blows in from the Everfree all the time. We’re getting a bunch of extra clouds.

Once the sky was clear, my head was not. I flew around aimlessly, trying to brainstorm.

Eventually, to my surprise, Fluttershy flew up to join me. “Hey, Dashie, what’s wrong?” she asked gently. “You’ve flown over my house twelve times.”

“I don’t suppose you know any druid magic for finding towns from two thousand years ago?” I asked her.

“Druids really aren’t into towns much,” she confessed. “I’m sorry, Dashie. This is about our trip, right?” She looked rather fretful and guilty now.

“Yeah,” I told her. “We can’t go until Twilight or I figures out where to go.” And I want it to be me. I mean, I won’t turn her answer down but I feel like this is my quest. I want this. I have to be the leader. And I can’t lead if I don’t know where I’m going. I gazed down at the landscape aimlessly, looking for clues I knew didn’t exist but needed anyway.

“Hmm, maybe if I turn into a penguin, I’ll think of something,” she said, spiraling down to the ground.

I followed her, though I was dubious. What good would that do?

She waddled around while I tried not to laugh *too* much. She didn’t seem to notice, looking intent.

“Hey, any chance you could talk to the building if we went back?” I asked. “Or something alive in it?”

“Nothing would be alive that was alive when the building got moved,” Flutterpenguin said, turning to face me; a pink and yellow penguin is just ludicrous looking and I had to fight the urge to laugh. “Did Ivan try asking Asterius?”

“Asterius said it was my task to figure it out,” I said, then flopped onto my back, studying the sky. “I’d totally recognize the area if it wasn’t frozen under ice. If I was flying over it or standing on it. It’s weird, I can see it all in my head from all those globes. I guess I wouldn’t recognize everything but if I travelled back in time, then I could get around it, even at night.”

“Ahah!” Flutterpenguin said, holding up a flipper. “Do the globes show the night sky?”

“Yes,” I said. “But what… oh!” The stars change when you move around the world. One of our flight school classes was basic night navigation but they warned us about that. “So we could line up the stars and figure out where it was!” I sprang to my feet, feeling excited.

A lot of the night sky is different but when I think about it, I remember a few constellations I know but in weird places. “Man, that was really smart, Fluttershy.”

“I’m so glad I could help you,” she said, smiling brightly and turning back to normal.

Twilight is ga-ga for stars, so I bet she has historical charts and maps and stuff.

“Let’s go!” I shouted, and we took off for Twilight’s, Fluttershy trailing after me.

*****************

Twilight was really happy that this was the way to do it. We did a lot of moving around maps and consulting books and drawing new maps and then we zeroed in with some checking of the globes. Bingo!

“And since you have time stamps on the globes, we can get it really precisely once we convert to modern timekeeping,” Twilight concluded. “And X marks the spot.” She tapped a location on the map.

“We can ship out in the morning,” I said excitedly.

“Now we can plan out the trip and figure out how to get us all there. My balloon can fly there but it’s going to be kind of crowded if we all cram into it for days,” Twilight said. “I have some ideas, but I need to plan the trip, we need to get supplies and we have to figure out how to haul everyone without having to practically sleep on top of each other.” She ticked off each clause with the same hoof gesture as if she was pointing to a list on paper.

“And how to keep the Crusaders from sneaking on,” Fluttershy pointed out.

Given Applebloom can buil… oh oh. “I will handle the vehicle. You get supplies and stuff.”

Twilight looked at me curiously.

“It’s in the bag,” I told her confidently.

***************

“I ain’t buildin’ another flying vehicle for everyone to take away from me and you can’t have our clubhouse,” Applebloom said, sitting back on her haunches so she could fold her forelegs in front.

Their clubhouse flies now but they’re not allowed to leave town with it.

I’m sure that stops them as much as my mom’s rules stopped me, though.

We were in the yard of her home, around one side of it for a privatish talk. One thing you learn, anything you say within a half mile of AJ’s house ends up being overheard by an Apple.

“C’mon, we’ll bring back frozen shadows for you,” I told her, trying to look heroic and trustworthy, which means standing in a pose I saw Daring Doo do on a book cover.

She began to look thoughtful and I hoped I wouldn’t regret that.

“I got chores to do,” she said, watching me with one eye.

“I’m sure I can talk AJ into letting you out of it so you can build us something big enough for everyone,” I told her wheedlingly.

“If AJ says okay. And you owe me some ice that hasn’t seen sunlight in at least a thousand years,” Applebloom said. “A thousand years,” she repeated very earnestly.

“I’m not sure if that exists.”

“You’d better *make* it exist,” she said, trying to sound tough.

“Fine. Now I’ll just go talk AJ into it,” I told her.

That’s how I got stuck with Applebloom’s chores for three days.

But I took it for the team in good grace, since this is really important to me.

*******************

I laid helpless on the floor of my house as Soarin’ sat on his haunches near me. “What’s a good place for us to eat in town?” he asked.

“Anything as long as I never see an apple again,” I moaned.

Ever sorted damaged apples? Did you know there’s four different kinds of problems and each has to be dealt with separately?

I bet you don’t know and never will, and I envy you with all my heart.

“So how’s the cold weather outfit? Does it look good?” he asked.

“I can put it on,” I told him, rolling onto my side and trying to muster the will to stand up.

“Sure,” he said, sounding a little excited.

I got off my living room floor, went to my bedroom, donned it, returned, *then* remembered the ribbons.

“Oooh, nice,” he said, circling me to study it from all sides. “You might want it in all white for camouflage, though.” He patted one of the ribbons. “Nice touch.”

I guess stallions do go for ribbons. They’re still not me… but if Soarin’ likes it… But he won’t be on the trip.

I hope Rarity and Marcus aren’t all mushy the whole time or I will go mad.

“Hmm, I’d say Soup Bowl but it’s more a lunch place, really,” I said to him, consulting a map of Ponyville in my mind.

“Whatever is good with you,” he told me. “I don’t know any place around here.”

Aaargh, if we go to the fancy place, we’ll overpay to starve but it’s likely more like what he’s used to, I thought. We could try the new Darokin style place but I don’t know if they’ll be any good… human cuisines are sometimes hard to adapt to what Ponies eat. They tend to rely on meat a lot.

Okay, be bold, I decided. “How about the Darokin-style place? It’s new and might be good.”

He leaped to stand up. “Sounds good to me!”

I took off the cold weather outfit; it’s too hot for normal weather, then we flew off to Summer Feast; I suddenly wondered if they would change names each season.

Not my problem.

******************

It turns out what you get at Summer Feast is fancy breads and lots of fruit and beans. And peanuts and soy. I was pleased with my meal until halfway through it when a swarm of people descended on us, all wanting a piece of *my coltfriend*. It was like those damn parasprites if they wanted Soarin’ instead of eating things. We were besieged in our table-cubicle. Booth. Whatever the word is.

“Oh, thank you so much,” Lily said, flipping her notepad into her saddlebacks and doing that thing where she kind of sways on her hooves. Like she’s sick but it’s meant to make her look feminine. “We’re so lucky to have a big hero like you here!”

Soarin’ laughed nervously and I said, “Shouldn’t you be raising your tail for Big Mac right now?” Don’t just hit on every guy in sight!

Lily glared at me. “I’m not that kind of girl!”

Soarin’ was about to turn back to his pears… they soak them in some kind of sauce and then fry them and they are so good!.. when Colgate slid a pad over his food. “Please sign!” she begged him.

So he got his pencil in his mouth and began signing; we were besieged by a horde. What is wrong with these people? Can’t they tell we’re on a date? Show some manners!

Oh man, I sound like Rarity.

So I stuffed my face while his food got cold and he tried to appease the hordes. Is this drive Rainbow Dash insane day? Is that it? Maybe this is one of Pinkie’s pranks.

Then I saw Bon-Bon coming. She’s not even into stallions. Am I cursed? Is this someone’s revenge because I am cooler than them?

It must be. As I ate, I began making a list in my head of people less cool than me who might be bitter and seeking revenge, then soon realized it was far too big a list. Maybe if I narrow it down to generally bitter ponies…

“Don’t you have a girlfriend?” I said to Bon-Bon as she came up to us, pressing through the horde.

“What?” she said in confusion.

“Line on the left,” I mumbled.

“Pinkie asked me to tell you she made a special dessert for you two,” Bon-Bon said, studying me with one eye a little wider than the other, shrinking back on her hooves a bit. “When I was dropping off a load of my latest products.”

“Oh. I’m sorry,” I said, burying my face in my hooves. “As you can see, even men are lining up to waste my coltfriend’s time.”

“It’s okay,” Soarin’ said softly to me. “I get this all the time, it’s part of my job.”

It would annoy me less if anyone wanted my autograph, but apparently saving Equestria doesn’t count for anything around here.

I finished my food and eventually the storm of fans ended and Soarin’ quickly stuffed himself. We paid up and fled to Sugarcube Corner.

***********

There were no fans in Sugarcube Corner, just Pinkie, the Cakes, and their kids. Who were trying to get into the oven while their parents tried to stop them.

“I have made my finest non-lethal pie *ever*, just for you two,” Pinkie said proudly.

Rainbow colored icing covered the usual tan colored pie crust with Soarin’s cutie mark in one corner. Soarin’ sniffed the air over it and made a happy noise. “I can’t place the smell.”

“It’s a rainbow pie! Zap apples combined with one fruit for each color of the rainbow,” Pinkie said proudly. “It even has gold at the end of the rainbow!” She pointed to…

“Pinkie, we can’t eat gold coins,” I told her, now that I saw them.

“Edible gold foil from Bon-Bon surrounding chocolate coins!,” Pinkie said proudly.

Mr. Cake began to laugh. We all stared at him; he mumbled something, then tried to get his son out of the oven.

I don’t get it. Maybe being a parent warps your mind.

It would explain Mom.

Anyway, Pinkie chopped the pie in half and we wolfed it down; Soarin’ ended up with the chocolate coins but gave me one; the edible gold foil tasted like lemon, by the way.

Now I wonder if all gold tastes like that.

There was a sudden uncloaking and we were surrounded by Crusaders with Dinky wearing a monocle and doing something magical and the rest trying to pin Soarin’ down. “Hey!” I said. “What are you doing?”

“Making sure it’s not an Oard infiltrator,” Scootaloo said. “Sorry, Dash, we have to be sure you’re safe.”

Soarin’ buried his face in his hooves and I said, “You know him! I trust him and he’s not a time-travelling monster!”

“It could be anywhere,” Twist said sagely, trying to look old and wise, which doesn’t work when you have a bit of a lisp and big glasses and you’re still at that totally awkward phase of growing up.

“We have to be sure,” Applebloom said, waggling a hoof at me, in a manner far too reminiscent of my Mom.

“I’m sorry,” Sweetie said apologetically. “Let me sing you a romantic song!”

To my surprise, she launched into the Pegasus ballad of South Wind and North Wind and how they could only meet once a year and made the most of that day. We danced together despite his messy mouth and mine and Mrs. Cake tried to dance with her husband, then had to chase the kids deeper into the house. Pinkie accompanied with her one-pony band and the rest of the Crusaders were dancing around.

I felt better after that, kissing Soarin’ messily and feeling this more romantic than anything else we’d done.

Thanks, Crusaders.

But never accuse my coltfriend of being a monster again!

*****************

Unfortunately, a little after that, he had to head back to Canterlot. I mean, I… umm… ahahaha.

I generally sleep on my own, anyway, so no big deal.

I could see lights on at Rarity’s.

Having a coltfriend who doesn’t have to be gone all the time must be nice for her.

Even if Marcus probably runs away screaming every so often for no reason.

I buzzed the house and heard him yelp inside; this made me feel better, so I flew home and got some sleep. Lots of work tomorrow.

I wish Soarin’ was here, though.

And that his fans would have left us alone!

****************

I awoke to the sound of someone eating breakfast in my kitchen. Given I live alone, this was not good news.

So I slipped out of bed, got a broom, and slipped up to peek in my kitchen. It was that idiot, Rainbow Crash, my not-exactly-evil twin. Basically, she’s me if I was a *total loser*.

I know, it’s probably very hard for you to imagine a version of me that isn’t the coolest person in Equestria, but she’s it.

Not only is she a loser, she was *eating my oats*. I need my fruit and oatmeal in the morning to keep me powered up for my work! And my training! And it's *tasty*. Especially with cinnamon.

“Don’t eat my food!” I told her, and she jumped.

“Oh, you’re here,” she said, sounding surprised. “Dawn Gleaming told me to send you some books since Twilight Sparkle was too sad and stupid to find them herself.” She pointed a hoof to the corner where books spilled out of a bag. “I flew all night, so I gotta fill up before I take a nap. Where were you?”

“On my bed,” I told her, then decided to get new locks. And maybe have Twilight mount a fool-zapping wand turret. “Did you just wander around my house???”

“Oh, you were under that pile of sheets on your bed?” she said, surprised. “No wonder you’re such a mess.” Then she ate more of MY food.

“You sound like Mom,” I told her and now she winced and grimaced. I still need to tell Mom about her but if I do, she’ll try to put us in matching dresses and yell at me for not writing more often.

I grabbed the barrel of oats and began making breakfast. “Don’t just barge into my house when I’m asleep; if I’d heard you, I would have whipped your ass on instinct.”

She began laughing at me, so we had to tussle, rolling around whaling on each other on the kitchen floor, wings beating wildly; unfortunately, this tipped our breakfasts onto us, as well as the cinnamon, turning us into a giant living floor of oatmeal with cinnamon and strawberries; we were a filthy, sticky mess.

“Look what you’ve done,” I said accusingly.

“Look what *you* did,” she glowered back and then we wrestled some more.

Finally, we gave up and tried having a shower, but we were still both a disaster and that wasn’t going to do.

This left us only one choice.

******************

“What’s this?” Crash asked as she followed me creeping up an alley towards the back door of a building.

“It’s a spa; they can clean anything but it’s not very cool to be seen, so we have to sneak in,” I told her. It’s far too girly-girly; my Mom loves spas.

She nodded in total agreement and followed me as we crept between it and the hardware store. I went up the wall with her on watch, then she followed after me as I poked the window open. We’d just slip through the office and then into the front room with no one the wiser.

In fact, it went off without a hitch, and soon we were finally getting the deep scrubbing we really needed. I had not realized oatmeal could get so deep into your wingfeathers until today.

So, of course, who shows up at the spa when we’re trying to be covert? Rarity and Fluttershy, of course.

“Why, darling, it’s so good to see you both here,” Rarity said. “Surprising but good.”

I winced and winced again when Crash winced with me, which set her off and for a while we both winced in alternation, until Fluttershy said, “Are you okay, Dashie?” She sounded worried.

“I am totally fine and don’t need anything, I’ll just be moving on, see you later!” Crash said, and started to take off, but Rarity stopped her.

“Now, now, there’s no rush; they’re still working on you,” Rarity said. “You can’t fly with… my goodness, what happened to you?”

“It looks like they had a fight in a strawberry patch,” Fluttershy said. She studied Crash. “Probably brought down from the plateau, though someone cut them up.”

“We were attacked by a huge pony-eating strawberry and defeated it only at the cost of becoming a mess,” Rainbow Crash said, shivering as one of the spa ponies worked her over.

The other was doing me, or had been, as she now rushed over to get Rarity and Fluttershy started. “The hooficures here are a miracle,” Rarity said, making a happy noise as pink-haired Lotus Blossom worked on her; her sister Aloe was busy trying to get Rainbow Crash clean.

I think that’s their names; I don’t see them much.

“I’ll be with you in just a minute,” Aloe said to me.

“It’s okay,” I told her. The soon Crash is clean, the sooner she’s out of here and I don’t have to put up with her.

“You never told us you had a twin, Dash,” Aloe said to Rainbow Crash.

“I’m Rainbow Dash, she’s Rainbow Crash,” I told Aloe.

Rainbow Crash grumbled. Losers don’t get to take my name, sister, I thought.

Rarity paused, then asked hesitantly, “Are the others in town?”

“Just me, running some books to Dash here, since she’s decided to become an egghead,” Crash said dismissively. “Really boring looking.”

“They’re not boring! Those people need to be remembered!” I said urgently. “And I am *not* an egghead.”

“You’d need a very large egg,” Fluttershy said thoughtfully.

Is *Fluttershy* mocking me? Surely not. She was just lying on a bed, waiting for her hooficure, with mangos or whatever those things are on her face. Kumquats? Cucumber, maybe?

Rainbow Crash laughed so hard that Aloe accidentally got hit in the face by her side. Crash didn’t notice, and Aloe just adjusted her stance and kept on scrubbing. “NERD!”

“I am not a nerd! This is important!,” I said angrily.

“Now, now, Crash, it’s good to see Dash improving her mind,” Rarity said, waggling a leg at Crash. “You shouldn’t mock her for it.”

I stuck my tongue out at Crash. She stuck hers out and we bristled at each other.

“You break it, you buy it,” Lotus Blossom said, then returned to filing hooves.

Dammit.

Fluttershy started to say something, then shut her mouth, opened it, then shut it again. Crash eyed her like she might suddenly breathe fire. It suddenly struck me that she and Dragonfly probably aren’t good friends like the two of us are. Though really, they’re all clones and their pasts only exist in their heads.

Also, Dragonfly is kind of crazy.

And dangerous.

Aloe finished off Crash and began working on me, shaking her head and humming as she worked. I wiggled; it kind of tickled as she scrubbed me.

“You should take a nice mud bath,” Rarity told me.

“Just going to get a regular one, then I fly home,” Rainbow Crash said. “You’re paying for this, right, Dash?”

“Me? You’re the one who got us filthy,” I told her.

“I will cover you both, since I expect you forgot to bring any money anyway,” Rarity said, pulling money out of her saddlebags with her magic. “And you should come here more often; a lady must look her best.”

“I’m… okay, I am female,” Crash muttered.

I laughed. “Thanks, Rarity.” As in fact, I had totally forgotten to bring any money.

I would have gunked up my saddlebags if I’d worn them, anyway.

“Glad to help a friend,” Rarity said, then made happy noises.

I managed to escape without a complete makeover and then Crash and I got an actual breakfast at a cafe. Once we’d eaten, I told her “Try not to get yourself eaten on the way home.”

“Ain’t nothin’ fast enough to catch me,” she said dismissively, rising from the table and stretching her wings; we were at an outside table.

Scootaloo now came into sight, pulling a small flying wagon full of carrots down… over… the street. She didn’t look too happy until she saw us, and then she waved, so we waved back. Working for her aunt again, I see.

“Hey Dash, Crash, good to see you!” she said cheerfully. “Is something big about to happen?” She hovered over the café, looking proud of herself flying.

“I’m about to remind Dash I’m faster than her,” Crash said, smirking.

“As if,” I said. “She brought me some… stuff.” The last thing I need is Scootaloo calling me an egghead.

“See you later! I have to go take these to Filthy Rich,” Scootaloo said. And she flew off.

Good kid.

Crash watched her go with an odd expression, then sighed.

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing,” she said and took to the air. “I’m off. Good luck on your trip.”

“You too,” I said softly, wondering what that had been all about.

Then she soared off at high speed.

Not as fast as me, though. I headed home to finish my… studies.

*****************

Days passed; we accumulated supplies, figured out our route, and generally got ready for the trip; I could feel the end of the summer coming in a way I haven’t felt since I was in school. One of the weirdest things about being an adult is that summer doesn’t matter so much. I work the same amount all year long.

But we have to make our trip before the fall, since Marcus and I are both going to be committed to teaching.

Me, a teacher. I feel like I’m on the wrong planet.

I’m going to help coach the pegasi too. That’ll be fun.

But teaching… I can’t believe I committed to teach a history class.

There’s too much we’ve forgotten. I hope I can get across how I feel about it. I thought history was boring but now, I understand. It’s all about life and life is only boring if you’re boring.

And I’m never boring.

By the time we were ready to leave, I felt somewhat frazzled. Fortunately, I would have a chance to rest on the trip. Applebloom had built us something Pinkie says is called a ‘Zeppelin’. It’s basically a gigantic balloon full of magical gases with a house hung under it by ropes. You can blow it with wind or tug it with ropes or Twilight or Rarity can sit in this big chair and it runs off their magic if you can’t get the right wind. Of course with Fluttershy and I… with me… that won’t be a problem.

Dragonfly is kind of nuts but she’s a better weather pony than Fluttershy, I have to admit. Still, I’d rather have Fluttershy on my team.

“Who decorated my room?” Rarity wailed as we began packing everything onto our zeppelin. I could hear her deep inside the zeppelin.

“Sweetie Belle worked really hard on your room,” Applebloom said, sounding aggravated. “Because she loves you.”

“I’m sorry, I thought you’d like it!” Sweetie wailed.

As I hauled in my stuff on a small wagon, I wondered if they’d gotten Scootaloo to decorate my room.

It turned out to be covered with crude drawings of myself and the Wonderbolts. At least, I think it was me, as I rather resembled a rainbow-colored dog in some of the drawings. Paintings, technically.

*Technically*. But if a newborn foal can out-paint you, you don’t really get to call it painting, in my opinion. However, it did have a nice bowl / petbed for my cool turtle, Tank, so I set him down there to nap.

There was no sign of Scoots, though, to my surprise.

As I unpacked my stuff, I heard Scootaloo telling Twilight how to pilot. She sounded very jealous; I’ll have to cheer her up. They were somewhere upfront but sound seems to carry inside this thing, I noticed.

I stashed everything; I noticed the bookshelf and was grateful; it let me stash all my reference works. And I still have to finish going over several sources Dawn Gleaming sent me. Thankfully, she scribbled notes all over them and the half that aren’t about how awesome she is were very useful.

Twilight had a meltdown about writing on books the one time I showed her, so I won’t mention the other ones.

I’m grateful for a bunch of books. I paused in the hallway to feel confused, then Fluttershy found me. She was smiling brightly. “My room has a little tree for Slither to perch in!”

“You brought your snake?” I said, surprised.

“I had to leave Angel in charge of making sure all my little friends get fed,” she said. “Slither gets confused and tries to eat some of them if I give him that duty.” She sighed. “He’s a good boy but, well, he is a snake.”

Funny that.

“I am really excited,” I told her.

“I’m excited for you,” she said, smiling broadly. “Come, look!”

Her room was decorated with beautiful pictures of various animals including a painting of her and Angel having a picnic. It also had lots of potted plants, a birdcage with a canary and a very nice dresser drawers.

And a bed, tucked into the corner.

Who the hell did her room, while I got stick-people???

“I have to thank Dinky; she decorated my room,” Fluttershy said. “I hope your room is this beautiful.”

It’s a trainwreck.

Distantly, Rarity and Sweetie were wailing at each other, while Applebloom chewed out Rarity. I could hear Marcus trying to speak and being trampled on. Verbally, that is.

“Oh dear, I had better go clear that up,” Fluttershy said.

Not getting near Rarity wailing. I decided to go see Twilight and Scoots. They were up in the captain’s room up front.

The captain’s area was at the front of the Zeppelin; there were all sorts of mystical machine things which I didn’t know what they did and a huge pair of windows so you can see where you’re going. The Captain’s chair was flanked by two smaller chairs, painted red and blue respectively. They didn’t seem to have any higher purpose than sitting.

“Hi, Dash,” Twilight said, smiling. She was perched in the chair, a big mass of purple wood with stars on it; the chair was well made but ugly and I felt a little better. It had padding on the seat proper and I got an odd feeling from it.

“Hey, Dash,” Scoots said, smiling but with less enthusiasm than I was used to getting from her. Too much enthusiasm most of the time, really. It’s not wise to idolize other people.

Even if they are as awesome as I am.

Which is why I always liked the Wonderbolts; they’re the only people as awesome as me. Or they were; my friends can be pretty awesome too.

She’s probably trying to play it cool, so I ruffled her mane. “Hi, Scoots, Twilight. So this is some kind of magic piloting chair?”

“Yeah, you have to be a unicorn or me to fly it,” Scootaloo said, sounding proud.

Twilight said, “Because of her cutie mark, you see.” She pointed to Scoot’s pilot-wheel cutie mark as if I hadn’t been there when she got it.

I had guessed that, given Scoots isn’t an alicorn. Which is probably for the best.

“Just don’t let Marcus try it; he’ll crash the thing or fuck it up some other way,” Scootaloo said.

“Scootaloo, don’t use language like that,” Twilight said chidingly. “Ponies shouldn’t swear.”

“Dad swears all the time,” Scootaloo said stubbornly, getting down in that defiant crouch of hers.

“I’m sure Marcus would do just fine,” I told Scootaloo, gesturing vaguely off towards his and Rarity’s room. Though Twilight would likely pilot it better if it comes down to using magic to steer. But I gotta stick up for my pal.

“He’s an idiot. I think Sweetie wants to marry him or something, won’t shut up about Marcus taught me this and Marcus showed me that and blah blah blah,” Scootaloo said, now sounding even more sour; her face was all twisted up and bitter.

I began laughing at the image of Sweetie asking Marcus to marry her. Him and Rarity dating is crazy enough without adding a big age difference. Sweetie’s too young to date anyone, let alone an adult. But that’s not her goal, I’m sure. Sweetie is, well, sweet. She likes everyone.

Otherwise, she and Rarity would have probably killed each other on one of Rarity’s bad days.

I remember going over to Rarity’s and Sweetie just ran outside and yelled, “Run while you still can!”

I just took off and did not look back.

“Don’t mock me!” Scootaloo said angrily and stormed off into the living quarters area of the ship. Zeppelin.

“Dash, you shouldn’t laugh at her; I think she’s aggravated because we won’t take them, even though they made this for us.” Twilight sounded guilty. “They’re just too young.”

“I was laughing at the idea of Sweetie and Marcus dating,” I told her. “I guess she could have gotten the wrong idea.”

“You should apologize,” Twilight said, still sounding guilty and craning around to look out the back door.

“I’ll go find her,” I told her.

It took some effort but I eventually found Scootaloo pinned under Pinkie, who was trying to get her to listen to a joke. Pinkie’s room was, well, pink, with silly pictures on the walls and a nice looking bed with pink sheets. In fact, it was pretty pink pink pinkpinkpink.

Pink.

“Hey, Scoots, I wasn’t laughing at you, just near you,” I told her.

Before I could finish, she erupted out from under Pinkie, collided with my front half, rolled over me somehow and fled down the hallway, yelling angrily.

I don’t get it, I said I wasn’t laughing at her!

“Better apologize,” Pinkie said to me, rising and shaking dust off herself.

“That *was* an apology!” I told her.

“It didn’t work,” Pinkie said, shaking her head.

Scootaloo didn’t return before we had to leave, though. I’m sure she’ll get over it before we get back, right?

******************

This thing is pretty fast, but it means someone’s gotta sit in the chair most of the time. And somehow, sitting there doing magic stuff makes you tired, even if you’re just sitting on your ass. I guess magic must eventually wipe you out. Rarity, Marcus, and Twilight all pretty much had to go sleep after their shifts.

I stared down at the landscape below. It was a cold swamp, not that you could make out many details at this altitude; hills and mountains rose to the east and I could feel many knots of loyalty down below; I could hardly make out cities and towns with my eyes, but I could feel them by the concentration of my element there.

Twilight was on duty and Pinkie was sitting in the red chair, pretending to help. Or maybe she was, with her bard tricks somehow. I was just standing by the windows, looking out and down.

“We’re off past Wendar,” I said. “Right?”

“Yes, that’s the Swamp of the Beast and the Kingdom of Ghyr, a feudal state mostly home to humans,” Twilight said; she gestured and a glowing map appeared in the air of the area.

“It’s based on a toyline but someone jammed it into this world because they thought it would be cool,” Pinkie said, gesturing with her forehooves, though nothing actually happened.

“What on Mystara are you talking about?” I asked her.

“You’re claiming the Immortals jammed this entire region into Mystara, basing it on toys?” Twilight said, sounding dubious. “Oh, wait, you’re joking,” she said, facehoofing. She laughed a little and I laughed a lot.

As if people would do something like that.

“The Old Ones; the Immortals don’t have that kind of power,” Pinkie said, shaking her head.

When she starts getting on about the Old Ones, I generally tune out, so I pretty much forgot the next half-hour of our trip.

*****************

“Oh come on, the Heartstone is clearly a toy name,” Pinkie said, waving a hoof at Twilight. “And ‘Warduke’? Clearly a cheesy name for a villain toy,” she continued.

At this point, even my ability to zone out failed and I fled before Twilight could quote some book she probably just made up.

I have to admit I did try checking up on her once, but the book was so boring, I couldn’t finish it to find the quote. Then she found me and I had to lie about why I was looking at it and she made me read it all.

I never did see the quote.

So I went to see Fluttershy. Who was hiding under her bed. This didn’t work well since she is too big, which meant the bed was resting on her back and tilting up, which can’t feel very good. “Fluttershy, what are you doing?” I asked.

Slither was sleeping in his ‘tree’. I think. Sometimes he’ll sit still for hours and I think he’s dead.

You couldn’t hear Twilight and Pinkie arguing. Thank Celestia for that.

“It’s too quiet,” she said to me, looking around furtively.

“I thought you liked quiet,” I told her.

“So did I, but it’s never this quiet, unless something bad is going to happen; there’s always Angel moving around and Slither and my chickens and visitors and…,” Fluttershy paused and looked embarrassed. “I guess it’s not likely there’s a predator on board.”

You’d think the *druid* would know that.

“It’s just thick walls and windows you can’t open,” I told her. “Blocking the noise.” I gestured at the windows.

She looked embarrassed and curled up, hiding her head.

I gave up and went to find someone else to hang out with.

******************

Applejack was drunk and half-asleep and surrounded by playing cards. Ivan was asleep in the middle of the cards on the floor. Spike was asleep with his head in a tub of ice cream, so I pulled him out of it and put the ice cream away. By this point, I half-expected to find Rarity and Marcus dressing up as ducks or something.

Has everyone gone mad? Is that why no one ever went back? There wasn’t anything about insanity in the books! I tried to plan ahe…

I sound like Twilight. I’m going crazy too!

I decided to go see Rarity, hoping she wasn’t insane yet. Or Marcus.

Or at the least, they wouldn’t argue over whatever exactly Pinkie and Twilight are arguing over.

Or hide under the bed.

Or be wasted.

Man, they didn’t even invite me to drink with them!

I hope Luna doesn’t get jealous and turn Applejack into a bottle of brandy and drink her.

I tried to get the image to go away and I couldn’t, so I went to Rarity and Marcus’ room. I hesitated at the door, unsure if they might be doing something naughty; I couldn’t hear them but the walls are thick on this thing.

Distantly, I heard Pinkie say, “Norwold did *not* always exist! It too was…”

I would never find out; I did not *want* to find out what she was going to say. I ran into the room as quick as I could.

Marcus was fast asleep on the bed, while she tried to make adjustments to a fancy outfit she was wearing, all red and black satin and lace and gems. With a hugely brimmed triple-layered hat. With a tiny train which went around the third level.

I would rather die than wear that outfit.

“Oh Dash, darling, can you help me? Marcus is still clonked out from his shift,” Rarity said, then yawned. “And I just got up.”

I really don’t want to.

But I am bored out of my skull.

And I really don’t want to have to listen to Twilight and Pinkie debating whether I used to be a pink pony with green hair who liked to eat watermelon or something.

Probably everyone has that nightmare.

If it is just me, don’t tell me.

So I got trapped listening to Marcus snore and helping Rarity to make dresses. This is a terrible fate.

Rarity perked up a lot and was very chatty, though most it was her rambling on about things I don’t care about and people I don’t know or know only dimly.

Finally, though, she said, “Darling, it’s okay if you talk too.” She sounded a little guilty.

“I think everyone’s going a little stir crazy,” I told her as I tried to hold two pieces of cloth together with my hooves; Ponies can make things stick to their hooves but it’s very clumsy. They never lined up right and I had to keep trying and it was stupidly hard and embarrassing.

“I’m getting a lot of work done but sitting in that chair is terribly boring,” Rarity said wearily. “And tiring. And working all by myself all the time isn’t much fun. I’m used to having visitors and clients. It’s okay when I’m inspired but I wasn’t meant to be alone.”

“I know, I’m totally cooped up. I want to go out and fly,” I told Rarity, shuffling impatiently on my hooves.

She adjusted her work glasses and studied me. “Any reason you shouldn’t?” she said. “We’re over lands you’ve never flown over, right?”

Well, I do have the cold outfit. “Can you help me get into my cold outfit?”

“Of course, darling,” she said. “I just wish you’d let me fancy yours up.”

“No thanks,” I said quickly.

We got me suited up and I took off, feeling silly I hadn’t done this before.

*****************

I can say this. Whatever Pinkie thinks, the inhabitants of Ghyr don’t look like toys *at all*. They were perfectly ordinary people, though it did look like an explosion in a jeweler’s shop, sometimes.

They did stare at me a lot and I didn’t see any of our kind of Ponies to my surprise. Just ordinary horses and ponies. Who are always a little creepy to us. Like humans and monkeys; they’re just enough like us to give you that weird feeling.

I made sure to keep an eye on our ship; if I got lost here, I wouldn’t know how to get back to Equestria. They’ve probably never heard of us. I’d never heard of Ghyr.

I finally flew down to a very surprised looking human who was busy with some others harvesting wheat. “You’re not a giant toy, right?” I asked him.

He stared at me, mouth open wide, his bushy moustache quivering.

“A bit of a fool but not a toy,” another man said as he reaped wheat with a scythe. “I’ve never seen a real pegasus before,” the other man said; he was tall and strong with short black hair. “I didn’t know pegasi could talk.”

How could he know we exist and not know we could talk? “A friend of mine thinks you’re all toys or something,” I said, pointing at the zeppelin, then felt embarrassed. “Anyway, sorry to bother you.”

They clearly had not noticed the zeppelin, and now they stared at it in surprise.

“Hah! That’ll show Pinkie for being silly. Anyway, nice to meet you!” I told them and took off back towards the ship.

I’m sure they’ll be telling stories about this strange encounter with the coolest pegasus they ever met for a long time.

And maybe I can get Pinkie to stop being silly.

I was starting to rise upwards when I saw a little orange-haired girl running through the field, jumping up and down, trying to get my attention. Curious, I turned and flew down to her, hovering over a bush full of… tasty strawberries! They smelled so good but I could tell farmers were growing them so I couldn’t just eat them.

But I wanted to.

“My doggie fell down the well, can you fly down and save him?” she asked me. I could feel her loyalty to her pet. Smell it. I don’t know how to describe it but I couldn’t let her loyalty to her pet go unrewarded. And this would be better than going back to the ship so I could watch everyone slowly go stir-crazy.

“Hah! Show me the well,” I said proudly. “I’m the awesome Rainbow Dash and I’ll have your doggie out in no time. What’s your name, kid?”

“Lani,” she said, bowing to Rainbow Dash. “Let’s go!”

I followed her across several fields, through a grove, around a village, into some woods. They were dark and dangerous looking. Not dangerous to me, but little human girls are another question. One day she might be half as awesome as me, but right now, she was one percent at best. Two percent if she can cook well.

If she cooks like Sweetie, down to one half of one percent.

And I expect Sweetie could have rescued the dog herself.

Then the wolves began howling; I could hear a crackle of thunder and the little girl jumped, her pigtails flailing. “Don’t leave me,” she wailed.

“I won’t abandon you,” I said seriously to her, and she jumped again, then stared.

“But you just met me,” she said softly, looking surprised.

“It’s just wolves,” I said. “I can whip entire packs. For one thing, I fly.” I looked at her and landed. “Here, you can ride me,” I told her.

This took some effort; I’m rather large now, bigger than my boyfriend, and she was rather small. Too old for a diaper but probably not old enough to entirely dress herself without help. Even with hands. “Just hold on tight,” I told her.

Fortunately, she had a broad skirt so she didn’t have to ride side-saddle. Hey, I have a saddle! I got it out and we put it on quickly, then she mounted again, while the wolves howled and thunder kept crackling despite the lack of clouds in the sky; clouds were starting to gather, but nothing to worry about.

“You’re not a toy, right?” I asked her.

She froze up. “Why do you think that?” she said, stunned.

“Oh, Pinkie thinks everyone in this country is toys because, well, Pinkie,” I told her. “Not that you know Pinkie.”

We kept going through the woods past a crumbled farm house which had odd black scorchmarks on it and… bones. I grimaced. “Maybe I’d better take you home.”

“My poor doggie, we have to save him,” she wailed.

“Okay,” I told her. “You’re being very brave.” Kids eat that stuff up when you tell them that. They want to be adults before they’re half as cool as me, then they get in trouble.

Few things are more horrible than realizing you just said something your mother would say. But I guess I’m not a kid any more even if I’m not a mother.

I sped up, though I couldn’t go too fast or she got confused and we got lost. I could see flashes of ground-level lightning.

Timberwolves. They’re made out of wood and they produce lightning.

Do not ask me how, it’s magic.

I think they produce lightning.

Or are they summoned by lightning?

If you listen to Granny Smith for too long, your brain wanders and you begin to hallucinate.

If you rub wood together… no, that’s fire. It’s wool you rub to make sparks. But Timberwolves don’t have any fur, so they would have to make fire.

I could smell smoke and see distant glows of flickering firelight and then I heard a lot of wolves howl in agony and race past us, burning and burning and burning. They were made of timber and quite fearsome, except for their terror. I suddenly felt bad for them and wondered how the species survives if it catches fire all the time.

The thunder had stopped and now Lani was staring with her mouth open wide at the burning Timberwolves. I couldn’t blame her, I was staring too.

“Don’t worry, we’ll get to the well while they’re distracted,” I told her.

“I think they’re running to the well,” she mumbled.

We reached a clearing; the well was kind of narrow with a wooden frame now on fire; the bucket had fallen in and the well was jammed with now trapped timberwolves, some of whom were still burning.

This was like a too much pizza dream. I felt a little bloated and nauseous just thinking about it. Lina just couldn’t stop staring, eyes wide. I covered them. “Don’t watch,” I told her. This bothered me and I’m an adult and I know those things would eat us if they could. “Don’t worry, you’re safe with me here,” I told her confidently.

I flew high and stomped a cloud to make it rain, putting out the wolves; I could hear a dog whining piteously deep down. But how to get the wolves out?

I set Lani down on a tree branch, then got some rope and began crudely lassoing them and pulling them out; they fled once out of the well, then I flew down and got the little black dog; he latched onto my left foreleg, trying to eat it but my cold weather outfit stopped his fangs to his frustration.

He was like a little baby wolf himself but with actual flesh and fur and not on fire. Not very friendly.

Lani pried him loose. “I’m sorry, he likes to bite hands,” she said. As soon as she took him, he went from being hostile to be all happy and cuddly and licking Lani’s cheek as she smiled at him.

“I don’t have any,” I pointed out, waving a hoof.

He strained in her arms, trying to lunge at my hoof, and she said, “It’s why he’s so frustrated.” She hugged him tightly. “Fenny is a good boy,” she sing-songed.

Fenny gave up on me and began licking one of her hands. While he did that, she gently touched my necklace. “Is it magical?”

“It’s an Element of Harmony,” I told her. “The Element of Loyalty.” I could feel her loyalty to her pet.

“What a pretty gemstone,” she said, studying the lightning bolt. “It’s magic, right? Like the Heartstone?”

“Yes,” I told her. I only vaguely know about the Heartstone but you should never admit ignorance to a kid. “I’d better get you back to your parents.”

“Parents?… oh, *my* parents!” she said, first confused, then understanding. She must be shook up. Poor kid. But I’d best get back before I get chewed out.

Finding her house took forever but as the sun began to set, I got her home to her snug little home. Her father didn’t even come to the door but her mother did, wearing a red dress and began chewing her out.

“She just wanted to save her dog,” I said in her defense. “Pets shouldn’t be abandoned.” It’s why I brought Tank with me on this trip, since he can… I should have brought him with me! He must be stir crazy too! “Wouldn’t you go wandering out late if she got lost?”

Her mother stared at me, then said, “What on Mystara are you?” She stepped back warily.

“I’m Rainbow Dash, the coolest pegasus in Equestria,” I told her. “Or the world, really.”

“And the most modest,” Lani’s mother said dryly. “I haven’t really… you could have some hay if you want.”

So I had some hay and Lani got me some strawberries. I went up in the sky and…

And I realized I couldn’t see my friends at all and they’ve probably… no, they didn’t send me a fire message. Though Spike is basically drunk and unconscious. Too much ice cream but it’s the same thing for him.

But I know the way they were going. I think.

So I took off after them.

**********************

No letter from Twilight chewing me out. That was good.

But I was stuck in heavy cold rain and lightning and they apparently hadn’t noticed their weatherpony wasn’t with them to send me a letter. Given this could mean they’re totally off course and too busy arguing over whether the Ghyrians are *toys* to notice, this was a bad sign.

Given toys have no feelings and Lani did, I can now disprove Pinkie’s theory. Hah! So much for… okay, not brains, given Twilight, the smart one, agrees with me.

It has to show I’m better than something.

Though right now, I don’t seem very good at finding them, which worries me.

I dodged lightning bolts and hailstones and was glad for my cold weather outfit as it is really cold up here. Even for my kind. Should it really be this cold? It’s not even really fall yet!

Though Twilight and my reading did say it gets colder as you go North.

Assuming I am going North and not to the Moon or something. Though I would run out of air if I punctured the Skyshield.

I *could* puncture it and fly into space.

But having no air would cramp my style.

The storm got worse, and I nearly got hit by lightning. It outraced its own thunder but I spotted it in time, thankfully. The goggles Keraptis gave me were really, really helpful in this weather. They magically stayed dry and that’s a huge help as otherwise the water drops distort your sight by something or another Twilight would understand. Or Marcus. Then they’d lecture about it to show how smart they are.

I totally have no idea where I’m going and I’d be glad for any of them who could point me the right way. This storm is throwing off my sense of directions; I can’t see any landmarks. When I get back, I’m getting a compass sewn into this thing or something.

Or maybe a spell on my goggles. Having a little built-in compass in one corner would be awesome. Maybe with an altitude thing too.

Fantasizing about magical goggle enhancements caused me to take three hailstones to the face and I almost got lightning bolted again. I circled and rose, trying to see if someone was doing this deliberately.

I could feel the cloud rise with me and then I realized the problem. Someone’s messing with the weather and making this storm follow me so I can’t get out of it.

Well, two can play at that game. “Show yourself! I know you must be there!” I shouted.

Silence. Followed by lightning coming at me sneakily and silently. But I could feel the build up, so I dodged like a falling avalanche.

Okay, that’s not a good metaphor. Rarity’s good at metaphors.

But she’d be screaming about her running makeup and panicking in this.

I got me into this, I will get me out.

I should have stayed on the ship.

But if I hadn’t, probably those crazy burning wolves would have eaten her and her dog.

I had to do it. Had to. Probably my Element inspired me to.

Yeah.

Hail battered me but I swept it away and began pummeling the clouds, trying to drain them off so they would collapse. Someone was reinforcing them but I couldn’t see them. “Show yourself!” And where was he getting the water for it?

Or she. Could be a woman.

But it feels like a guy.

I hope I didn’t anger Thor by being more awesome than he is or something.

I think he’s the immortal of lightning. I kind of slept through Humanics.

As did most of my classmates.

I mean, how often do you run into humans in most of Equestria?

Now I regret it.

I’m regretting sleeping in class; I am getting old.

Fluttershy would know. And probably get him to have a tea party.

But I think I am going to have to kick Thor’s ass. “Dammit, Thor, jealousy is petty! It’s not like this will somehow make you as cool as me! I just rescued a puppy, what have you done lately?”

That sounded more awesome in my head.

Then another cloud spat lightning at me but I spiraled around it, trying to get to the source.

The source was more lightning and I got knocked for a loop, tumbling down. But I recovered, then dodged another bolt. Now my suit had char marks.

I need this suit!

Okay, I have to think. I’m no egghead, but I’m not an idiot either, like some people.

Could it be a lightning elemental? The best way to take them out is to disperse the clouds.

Like I was doing before. I began working my way through the clouds, dodging bolts and slowly clearing open spaces; a few clouds tried to reform but I kicked their ass. I’m not the best weatherpony in Equestria for nothing.

Unfortunately, my suit was going to need repair and I was horribly frazzled and the lightning kept coming. I had the feeling I must be missing something obvious.

Lightning jumps between positive and negative points, it makes thunder…

The lightning is silent.

It’s a TRICK.

I closed my eyes and reached out with my special sense. That the Element of Loyalty gives me. I couldn’t trust my eyes; someone’s put a spell on me or something. But I could feel my friends… I had been flying away from them, lured and driven by the bolts.

But now I knew. But why no sound? Wouldn’t an illusionist know to do that? I had to be missing something.

But the lack of lightning hitting me as I flew blindly towards my distant friends convinced me that whatever I had missed, it wasn’t kicking my ass. I win again, as always.

I finally reached the ship, opened my eyes and the storm was gone. Some punk had put a spell on me.

Probably jealous I can fly and they can’t. Hopefully, everyone isn’t worried but I can tell them about my heroic deed. It’ll be cool.

**********************

“I didn’t mean they were literally toys! They’re *based* on toys,” Pinkie said stubbornly.

Twilight buried her face in her hooves.

“How do you even know this?” I asked her, hooves crossed. I had come in and found them *still* arguing over this topic. Somehow.

“Hold on,” Pinkie said, whipping out paper and drawing on it; it was a decently designed ad for toys based on humans. Leaving aside no one would want that… okay, I guess humans might want such toys.

“Pinkie, advertisements you drew yourself are not proof,” Twilight said and I had to agree.

“I can see it. With my element,” Pinkie said stubbornly.

“Yes, but that means it’s a joke, right?” I said hesitantly.

Pinkie galloped off, looking frustrated and Twilight flopped over onto one of the armrests of the chair.

I suddenly wondered why Applebloom had put armrests on it and the other two chairs when only Marcus has actual ‘arms’. They’re not well positioned to help a pony. Maybe she copied a book design or something?

“I can’t focus enough to read, I am totally bored,” Twilight confessed.

Maybe I shouldn’t rub my freedom in her face. Or maybe it’ll cheer her up. I decided to tell her the story of my adventure.

“Dash, you shouldn’t run off on your own.” Twilight sighed and looked like my Mom when I tracked water into the house. Even though our house was a cloud. Made of water.

“Everyone else couldn’t leave or was sleeping or drunk or stuff,” I told her. “There’s way too much boring waiting in this adventure so far, so I *had* to go be cool.”

She studied me. “It sounds like you were right but there’s no traces of magic left behind.” She frowned. “I’ll try and do a scrying while I’m waiting.” Her eyes glazed for a moment. “Now your suit is a mess; get Rarity to fix it,” Twilight said. “I’m going to sit here pilot and try to find out who did that to you. If it was a spell.” She looked very intent.

I decided to get my suit fixed, take a nap and maybe everyone would be calmer later.

******************

“I will make this the most beautiful thing you have *ever* seen,” Rarity said eagerly, studying my damaged outfit.

“It just needs darning,” I said. I think that’s the right word.

“Nonsense. I do nothing without doing right, darling,” Rarity said. “You should go rest, you look exhausted.”

“I am not tired,” I told her.

Marcus chose this moment to snore. He sounded terrible.

Rarity didn’t seem to notice. “Go rest, I will make this lovely.”

I can’t fix it myself; Pegasi aren’t nimble with their hooves and my leg strength won’t help.

Time to go have a nightcap and go to bed. I hope it still fits; I haven’t worn it since last winter.

****************

My nightcap kept my head nice and warm and I slept really well, though I woke to nightmare visions of Rarity having turned my cold weather gear into a clown costume.

It’s not that I hate or fear clowns but I do not want to look like one.

I stuffed my face in a bag of oats to avoid having to find out yet but I soon ran out of excuses. Applejack wandered by looking like she’d been kicked by a mule. “Partied too hard?” I asked.

“Yes,” she mumbled. “I should be home getting ready for the harvest.”

“We’ll be back in time,” I told her. “You didn’t have to come.”

“I had to come,” she said, suddenly looking less a mess. “You’re my friend and I know how important this is to you.”

I know it makes her uncomfortable to think about what we found at that old lab. Luna is studying it now, I think. “Thanks,” I told her.

“I just ain’t got nothin’ useful to do and I can’t even catch up on chores,” Applejack said, then sighed. “We need somethin’ to do.”

“We can put on a show!” Pinkie said enthusiastically, suddenly appearing next to us. “I’ll dance, Dash can sing and Applejack can play the jugs!”

“Do what?” I asked. That sounded vaguely obscene to me.

“You know,” Pinkie said, producing some of Applejack’s empty cider jugs and blowing across the top to make horn noises.

Heck, why not? I *need* something to do. “Here, let me do it,” I said and manipulated the airflow with my wings, making beautiful, deep music.

Why Pinkie was making an odd face at me, I don’t know. My playing was *awesome*. Most Pegasi instruments involve manipulating air flow.

“I can’t sing worth a roll of hay,” Applejack said, frowning.

“Come on, it’ll be fun,” I told her.

“Umm, Dashie…” Pinkie began.

“It will be great!”

Jamming out while Applejack sang and Pinkie danced was pretty awesome. Applejack actually has a really good voice but it struck me that she sounds just like Apple Blossom when she sings. Applejack’s evil twin, not her sister Applebloom. She sounds like a Manehattanite lady, not a country girl.

“Did you study singing at your fancy school in Manehattan?” I asked.

She crumpled up and hid her face. “Yes.”

“You sound great,” I told her.

“That was great, Applejack!” Pinkie said. “You’re much b… you were really good.” She laughed nervously.

“Don’t make fun of me. I don’t sound like me,” Applejack said mournfully. “When I sing.”

“You sounded like you the last time I heard you sing, though you weren’t as good as this,” I said, then imitated someone singing badly. “Anyway, let’s try it again; I keep getting ahead of Pinkie.”

“You need to follow the beat,” she said weakly.

“I am good at beating,” I said, beating my wings. Hah!

Pinkie paused and laughed. “Ooh, I walked into that one! Yeah!”

Only Pinkie would celebrate being the straight woman for a joke.

Then I laughed; I’d nearly forgotten to, which was silly enough I laughed more. Then I realized Applejack was cringing. “Come on, you’re tougher than that.”

“You sing beautifully. Won’t you sing a song with me?” Pinkie said pleadingly.

“Only if Dash can stay on the beat,” Applejack said, peeking with one eye at Pinkie.

Man, why is she so embarrassed? She’s a great singer. “Come on, Applejack. You scared of a song?”

“I am not scared of a song!” Applejack said angrily.

“Then show me!”

“I’ll learn ya!” Applejack said, accent so thick you could cut a cake with it.

Or a hunk of wood. As cake slicing really isn’t very hard.

Pinkie showed me the tune and I got going on it.

o/~ This is the story of the pebble who changed the world!

Say what?

Applejack was soon laughing her way through a silly song about a pebble rolling downhill and how it caused someone to trip, so they had to go to the doctor and they fell in love with the doctor, so they bought extra roses and the rose-seller now could afford a new house and… it just escalates from there.

When we got to the end, Pinkie said, “I got you to sing that song so we could sing this,” and then we launched into the same tune but with totally different words, a love ballad about a soldier and his fair mare. They were parted by war and it was utterly tragic. By the end of it, Rarity had come in without us noticing and was bawling. Applejack was crying too, then saw Rarity and clearly wanted to die.

So I covered for her as a good friend should. “Hey, Rarity, is my outfit updated?”

“Yes, darling. I came to find you so we can try it on you,” Rarity said.

Please, don’t let it be all frilly and lacy now.

****************

I barely recognized it; it was a mass of lace and frills and pieces of satin and it now was eight different colors and half of them were shades of purple. I could see a few bits and pieces of the original fabric but this didn’t even look like it would hold off the cold. Also, it now had a hat which was bigger than my head and had my name on it in diamonds. Which glowed with a soft inner light.

I stared. I couldn’t even complain because I had forgotten how to talk. It was that bad.

“So, you like it?” Rarity said hopefully.

“I can’t wear that! Everyone in the universe would mock me!” I said in horror.

Then she threw it aside and started laughing.

I stared at her.

“I’m sorry, darling, I was so bored, I took the bits I had to cut off your suit and made this out of scraps I had.”

“…” I stared, mouth open wide.

Then she used her magic to pull over the real suit from next to the bed. It now had a cape with a hood; it was a nice red with RD on it in green. Otherwise, it was the same as before, just fixed. “This will keep your mane dry, darling,” she said. “And make your entrances more dramatic.”

“Oh man, you really got me,” I said ruefully, then put it on; it fit perfectly. Even if Rarity tries a thousand percent to girly-girly me, it always fits perfectly.

“This is a work outfit; it has to be practical,” Rarity said, clearly regretting that. “I will dress you up pretty later.”

“Where’s Marcus?” I asked.

“Piloting,” she said, then sighed. “Next time you scout, I may take on a human form so I can go with you. I am dreadfully bored.”

“That would be cool,” I told her. “But why would you need to go human?” I cocked my head curiously.

“Because a human can ride a pony easier than another pony can,” Rarity said. “Next time you want to scout, let me know.”

“See, that’s kind of weird. Why would one species be better suited to ride another than its own kind doing so?” I said. I mean, I know humans are jointed differently but it seems like ponies end up carrying ponies enough it would be useful to be better at it.

“Ponies don’t normally need to ride someone and Pegasi normally put passengers in a wagon but we have nothing to make a wagon with.” She sighed. “Next time, we should make a chariot or two so you and Fluttershy can fly people around.”

Wait… I bet those humans who modified us wanted to be able to ride on us. Though we’re normally too small for adult humans without magic.

And really, normal animal horses are… I guess it’s just a coincidence, though if I mention this around Pinkie, she’ll start claiming all humans are toys for pony children or something.

If we were much wider, though, humans couldn’t ride us any more than they ride elephants. But I am glad I am not wider.

I decided to go check with Twilight about the spell.

****************

“What makes no sense to me is why no sound. If you’re going to try to fool a Pegasus with weather, you would have to know they would notice,” Twilight said, frowning. Marcus was in the command chair, powering the zeppelin, while Twilight was on the floor with a half-dozen books, two maps and several charts of arcane symbols.

“I know. Unless someone was just testing me,” I said.

“Some Ghyr wizard may have hoped to get a Pegasus for his collection,” Marcus said.

Spike now walked in with more books. “You could feel the power of it, right? That kind of electrical sense of pegasi?”

“Yeah,” I told him. It’s part of our weather sense that lets us accurately manipulate clouds. Normally, it’s only useful for sensing lightning in a storm.

“Maybe he could only do so many senses and he had to give up sound to make it feel right,” Spike said. “Affecting a pegasus’ weather sense isn’t a standard illusion trick, is it?

Twilight looked embarrassed, then said, “You know, Spike, that makes good sense. Most of the time, illusions don’t cover the less well known senses, other than nociception, and maybe heat or cold sensing. And they usually miss species-specific tricks like that unless designed to fool them.”

“Than what?” I asked.

“Pain. Nociception is pain,” Twilight said. Marcus grunted. “Anyway, we still don’t know motive, but now we know why. Trying to manipulate the spell to work on your Pegasus senses made him lose one of the regular ones,” she said, making a note. “My efforts to scry who did it keeps giving me an image of giants picking their noses and other giant things and generally not looking smart enough to pull that off.” She frowned.

“Someone’s blocking you,” Marcus said. “They must be very powerful. I’m trying to keep an eye out for magic near us.”

This seemed to involve him grunting a lot.

“Anyway, you can work on material for the class you’re going to teach,” Twilight said. “While we work on this.” She gestured at her huge spread of eggheady stuff.

That probably wouldn’t hurt. “Could it be Thor? He’s likely jealous I am cooler than him.”

Having Twilight and Marcus give me the exact same look is disturbing. More so when it clearly indicates thinking I am an idiot. I felt like I was back home with my parents. “Not Thor’s style. He’d just hit you with a hammer,” Marcus said.

“It could be Loki,” Spike said. “This is more his style.”

“Isn’t he Celestia’s mother or something?” I said. I don’t know much about the Immortals. I suppose I should learn.

“Yes,” Marcus said. “He likes to screw with people when bored and he’s usually bored if he’s not screwing with someone. But if he was going to mess with any of us, it would be me,” Marcus said grimly.

“Sweetie,” Twilight said, sighing. “He did come by and ‘mess’ with me but only with words. But he’s got some long-term con going with Sweetie.”

Marcus frowned more at that.

“I’ll send her a letter,” Twilight said and began dictating to Spike.

I suspect he just realizes I’m already cooler than him when I’m not even an Immortal yet. It’s only natural he’s jealous.

********************

I idly petted Tank as he studied my efforts to write out some lectures. They all end up too long or too short and I really need access to more of the town library.

I winced at that thought. Gilda would probably mock me for wanting to teach.

I hope she’s okay. Everything just went bad when she visited Ponyville and she probably hates me now. But I don’t hate her.

But she isn’t grown up and mature like I am.

I touched my necklace; I’d signed onto this without thinking about it. Saving Equestria would be cool and that was good enough for me.

But even on our first adventure, I had to start changing.

But what am I going to change into? I suddenly wondered if I’d even be recognizable as me in a few years, imagining myself in a suit with glasses and….

No, my Dad just wears glasses so people will know he’s smart and even Twilight doesn’t wear glasses from reading; that’s just a myth.

Tank headbutted me gently and I petted him with a wing, smiling. He knows better than to worry.

I’m just cool in new ways now.

“Hey, Dash, can I come in?” Spike asked.

“Sure thing,” I told him, looking up from my mess of notes and scribbles… I can barely read my handwriting. And I made it.

“Twilight said to help you since she and Marcus and Rarity are busy collaborating on something and that your handwriting sucks,” Spike said. “So I should take some dictation for you.” He didn’t sound too thrilled.

“Thanks,” I told him. Probably Twilight is just trying to avoid him mooning pathetically over Rarity again. He needs to move on!

But I guess being loyal to your love is a good thing. I touched my element; it was happy with Spike.

“Okay, I’m starting here with the Half-Mile Quarter Races of 131,” I told him, shoving the notes his way. “Let’s beat this into shape.”

Tank crooked his head, ambling slowly over to the notes to study them.

“Don’t quarter-ponies train to run a quarter mile or less?” Spike asked. “It’s basically sprinting.”

“And it was a disaster due to a poorly measured track,” I told him.

“But why start there? That’s well into Equestria’s history,” Spike said.

“I have to get their attention with a cool story. Once they see how cool it is, then I can go back to all the begats,” I told him. You know, I’m still not sure what ‘begat’ means but my Equestrian history course started with some complicated list of begats that ended with Celestia. I guess she hasn’t been begetting. “You do know what those are, right?”

“It’s used in archaic speech to mean being someone’s parent. So you’d say something like Crystal Fire begat Heaven’s First Dawn,” Spike said.

“Those are names?” I said in confusion.

“Of two famous gold dragons,” Spike said as if *everyone* should know this.

“Oh, I didn’t recognize the translation,” I lied.

Spike sighed. “Sometimes I wish I had a dragon to hang out with.”

Tank now studied the notes I’d passed him.

“There’s lots of kids you could hang out with,” I told him.

“Are you going to tell me to chase Sweetie too?” He frowned, then stared at the crude line drawings on my walls.

Sweetie’s a bit of a dimwit. A nice one but all she needs to be Ditzy junior would be the eyes. Also, I think she has a crush on Marcus. Or something. “Didn’t your aunt recommend Apple Bloom to you?”

“Too country,” Spike said. “I like elegant women.”

No one Spike’s age is elegant. Even Rarity probably wasn’t.

“Anyway, some friends your own age, romantic or not, would be good for you.” He’s too young for romance, anyway.

I certainly would have rather worn one of the dresses Mom tried to force on me than do anything with boys at his age.

Now I feel old.

I am not old!

Just mature.

“You okay?” Spike said, worried.

“I’m fine,” I told him. “Just thinking deep, wise thoughts.” I tried to look wise.

He laughed and then said, “So you’re going to open with the race and then cut back to the beginning.”

“Yeah. I want to show them there’s cool stuff to come,” I told Spike, then launched into another story I’ve got ready.

You wouldn’t think it, but you can spend a long time on work without getting bored if it’s actually cool. Or will lead to coolness.

This thankfully took up the rest of the day until bedtime, but it was worth it.

*****************

Half the tribe had vanished and we didn’t know why. The winters had been rough and game was bad and we’d lost a few to that but then, bam, half the tribe vanished one night. Farwalker said he’d seen a strange lizard creature, shaped sort of like one of us, but leaning forwards a lot and still having a tail. And shrunken arms. And a lot taller.

So… not much like us at all.

But I knew what he meant.

It was harder now and sometimes we would spy bands of other strange creatures, like us but skinnier and taller, but not hugely taller. I don’t think they’re as strong as us, but they can *make fire*. We know how to tend it but we’ve never riddled out how to make it. But I think I understand it now, from watching them.

It had been very risky but I wear the sacred necklace that makes me the champion of my tribe; the shaman says our ancestors got it from the Immortals long ago. It is made of a beautiful shiny yellow kind of rock that is so much smoother than anything we can make.

Smoother even than the tools of the strange intruders; they are better than ours. Sometimes I wonder if the intruders slew half our tribe with their weapons but there would have been bodies and blood and some people had half their family vanish right out of their tent.

I earned this by showing my devotion to the tribe; only one who is willing to risk themselves for others may wear it; it is like a club but made of the yellow rock and so beautiful. It lets me do incredible things.

I carefully held the sticks the way I had seen and began to spin one of them over the other, back and forth, back and forth. To my surprise, it came faster than when I had observed the strangers. They’d struggled but I could easily make the flame, generating sparks and blowing them into a flame.

We could *make* fire. Wood is plentiful here; even if we moved, we could keep the secret of making fire. I taught everyone I could, and that night, we had a feast. I touched the necklace, talking about my mighty deeds, of how I had stolen the secret of fire from our rivals.

And then I realized, the necklace had changed; my beard got in the way of seeing it at first, but the others noticed too. It had become a red crystal tongue of flame, encased in the yellow rock. The crystal was shaped so perfectly, better than I could do it with even my best rock carving tools.

But maybe one day we’d learn that secret too. I took a brand from the fire and began to dance. We all danced. The world had changed; whatever happened to our kin, we would not perish.

I would gain as many secrets as I could for my people. I am their champion, and I will not fail them.

I am Dwaled, the Bringer of Fire! I have done a great thing and I will do many more, for the good of my people. All will remember my name!

******************

I woke up, staring at the ceiling, feeling alien in my own body, having apparently dreamed of being a… short human? Dwarf? Halfling? I’m not even sure. But I am pretty sure he’s totally forgotten.

Except by me.

I stumbled around my room in the dark, writing it all down, knowing that you forget dreams after a while if you don’t.

He wore the Element of Loyalty. He was some sort of primitive cave-person… not even having fire. Half his tribe *vanished*. What was that?

I resolved to ask Twilight in the morning.

Pinkie now stumbled in and fell down at my hooves. “Flashback…,” she mumbled.

“I’m sorry, Pinkie, I didn’t plan this,” I mumbled.

She sighed and dragged herself off moping.

“Try telling your Element to give you one,” I told her as she left.

I don’t know if she heard me but it was bed time, again.

*****************

“Oh wow,” Twilight said, looking a little jealous. “That’s a long ways back. Were you a human or a dwarf?”

“I’m not sure. They’re both kind of hairy in that weird human way,” I told her. “No offense, Marcus.”

He and Twilight were talking shop while Twilight piloted when I had come into the bridge. “None taken,” he said. “Did you have a really big beard?”

“No, I was just kind of scraggly. But really muscular.”

“A brute-man,” Twilight said, surprised. “I suppose they do go back beyond even the God’s War.”

“The what?” I asked.

“Something wiped out all but a handful of immortals before Ponies or humans even existed. Ixion, Thanatos, Valerias, Ka and a few others predate it. The Elements come from before that war,” Twilight said.

I touched my necklace, which isn’t easy. I felt the gentle thrum of its power under my hoof. It’s seen so much. Not that it has a mind. “I don’t know why I dreamed that. And why did the tribe vanish?”

“The brute-men couldn’t compete with the rise of the new races. Some of them were taken to the Hollow World to preserve them,” Twilight said. “And the rest either died or gave birth to the original dwarven race. Somehow. No one is sure what happened there.”

“Couldn’t compete? Compete at what?” I asked. I imagined a race where all the losers were killed. Man, that would suck.

Marcus mumbled uncomfortably into his hands.

Twilight shifted on her feet, clearly not wanting to talk about it.

“Come on, I’m an adult. I am mature,” I said.

They both began to laugh.

“Don’t laugh at me!” I said angrily.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Twilight said, waving a hoof and looking embarrassed.

“You just… reminded me completely of Sweetie and her friends,” Marcus said, leaning on the big chair and laughing.

I am not like that at all.

Not at all.

“Well, we can only guess what happened,” Marcus said. “From bones and artifacts, as they didn’t know how to write and eventually they forgot about their pasts.”

“So they forgot Dwaled, the Bringer of Fire,” I said softly. Why does everyone keep forgetting all the important things? Why forget the person who brought you fire?

But then I have no idea who brought Ponies fire.

I guess probably the people at the research station. I don’t remember any globes about fire but they likely took it for granted.

“Yes,” Twilight said softly. “A lot of the past is lost.”

I can’t learn everything about the past and yet… I can at least learn about the past holders of my Element. How did it get from whatever he was to Ponies?

“So about this competition…” I said hesitantly.

Twilight said, “Well, it seems likely they got too numerous for each other and fought over territory and lots of Brute-men died. And the rest became the first kind of Dwarves.”

“First?” I asked.

“They could use magic; most of that kind gradually died out on the surface after the fall of Blackmoor but some were changed by Kagyar into modern Dwarves, who now thrive across the world. And some of the original Dwarves live on in the Hollow World,” Twilight said.

So they killed each other instead of cooperating. No wonder Twilight and Marcus didn’t want to talk about it. I’ve heard some bad stories about humans and some good ones. But this is one of the worst ones.

But then, ponykind has fought over stuff too, I know now. Thinking about it made me uncomfortable.

We all shuffled about uncomfortably for a little while.

“PIES,” Pinkie said and wham, pies to our face. We now had a pie fight until the bridge was a disaster and we were all laughing.

Thanks, Pinkie.

Even if she probably thinks the Brute-men were a failed toy line now.

She then waved to people we couldn’t see; she does that sometimes. “Camera, follow me, I have a clever idea!” she said and ran off.

“Pinkie is *really* bored,” Twilight said, shaking her head and looking the way Pinkie went. “Or she wouldn’t be so… Pinkie.”

Pinkie stormed back in. “No, follow *me*,” she said, then raced out back the way she came.

“It’s just taking so long,” I said.

“I’m sorry, this thing really tires us out,” Twilight said, yawning. “You could take Marcus and scout; just be careful and don’t go off alone again.”

“I already promised I’d take Rarity or I would take you, Marcus,” I told him.

“It’s okay,” he said. “Once she wakes up, she’ll be fresh, while I’m kind of tired right now.”

Hmm, maybe Fluttershy will want to come; there’s probably animals here she’s never seen.

*****************

I tried to peel Fluttershy off the tree she was hugging. “What a good tree you are, sheltering those birds,” she said, smiling; we were into deep forest now and it was raining cold rain. Rarity had an umbrella magicked over herself; she rode on my back in human form.

What we’d found was that Fluttershy was desperate to talk to animals beyond her bird and snake.

And trees. We’ve reached the point where it seems to be nothing but endless forest with no signs of civilization. Just animals and trees. Which I think means we’re getting closer to the north pole. Beyond this should be grassland that freezes a lot and then just ice.

“Fluttershy, we can’t hug every tree in the forest. We need to finish scouting,” I told her.

She sighed. “Just a few more?”

“I let her poke around a bit more and talk to a few animals. Rarity was busy studying the trees and I flew around a little to stretch my wings.

And then I heard a huge howl and then other wolves answered it. But they couldn’t match the first one. Fluttershy’s ears perked up and Rarity frowned. “Perhaps that’s our cue to go,” she said.

Fluttershy, to my surprise, now became a really big pink wolf and rushed *towards* the howling.

For a few seconds, Rarity and I just stared, then I bolted after her. “Fluttershy, did you mean to run towards the wolves?”

“Yes, something is wrong, and I don’t think there are any other druids here,” she said very seriously.

Well, we can handle wolves.

*******************

Unless they’re the size of Celestia, anyway. And even then, we can likely handle it; the really big one was rather scruffy looking with blood on his fur and claws. Even though nothing was dead yet.

He was following a pack of wolves who were busy scattering a group of deer and running down one of them; a female deer, I think.

“Bad wolves, you take the weak and the old first,” Flutterwolf said to them disapprovingly, then frowned at the big wolf. “Was this your idea?”

Rarity made a noise and I stared. What?

The wolves now barked at her and began to circle as the deer ran.

Flutterwolf barked back at them angrily. They turned and began to flee but now the giant wolf barked at them and they circled in confusion in between them.

That giant wolf has no loyalty to them; they’re just pawns. But he’s very loyal to something but it’s hidden from me as to who. “Rarity, can you tell anything about him?” I whispered.

“He’s not very generous at all,” she whispered back. “The wolves are more generous than him,” she said, sounding surprised.

“Wolves share,” Flutterwolf said to Rarity, not turning from staring at the big wolf; the two of them began to circle round the wolves; I could see the deer bolting off into the distance. It looked back and I flapped my wings at it, encouraging it to flee.

The wolf growled at her and put its fur up, while now the other wolves clustered together, lowered their heads and pulled their paws over their eyes. I stared at them in surprise.

“He is such a filthy mess,” Rarity said softly, and now he snarled at her, and she nearly fell off me in surprise.

“Don’t even think it, big boy,” I said harshly to the giant wolf but Flutterwolf waved a paw at me dismissively. Then she barked at him.

Surely they’re not going to fight.

Or maybe she’s lost it.

“Go hunt your own prey,” Flutterwolf said to him, sounding angry. “I won’t let you push these poor little wolves around any more.”

They’d eat us if they had the chance.

I don’t really… I’ve hardly seen Fluttershy deal with predators beyond maybe scaring them off.

I never… why would a wolf that size *need* to use other wolves as his hunting gang? Or is he maybe forbidden somehow to hunt directly by his master?

No, he’s obeying his master in this. I think. I touched my necklace, trying to make sure somehow I was right.

He now stalked closer to Flutterwolf, who advanced on him. The wolves now scattered, fleeing the confrontation.

I started forward but Rarity gently tugged me back. “This is her balliwick,” she whispered to me.

Her what? Isn’t wick what candles are made out of?

But I get the gist of it. It’s Fluttershy’s fight.

This must be some kind of familiar, maybe? Or a monster wolf. I don’t remember anything like this in the books.

Oh man, I sound just like Twilight.

But she’d fall apart. I studied him. He’s big and bulky but he moves gracefully. Not deep footprints.

But… I tried stepping; I left deep footprints. Could he be another illusion? But no, unless he can fool my element, he’s really there.

But maybe he’s not so big as he looks.

I whispered to Rarity, “Can you dispel illusions?”

Circle, circle, snap, snap, growl, circle. He and Flutterwolf were stalking each other and it made me jumpy.

Rarity sighed. “Not unless they relate to clothing or fashion or jewels,” she said softly to me. “You think him an illusion?”

“His hoof… foot… clawprints are too small,” I told her.

I heard her breath catch.

Hopefully not a sign this is Wolfvarious the Wolf Immortal who is going to eat us. I assume there’s some wolf immortal, anyway. I don’t really know.

Though I think I could take him.

But it will be harder to cover Rarity too.

They were still snarling and I was still worried Fluttershy was losing it and wondering why they hadn’t gotten down to fighting yet. Wolves don’t normally wait for their foes to become exhausted from not doing anything, right?

That makes even less sense than it did in my head.

“Hey, Fluttershy, he’s not as big as he pretends to be. Look at his tracks!” I shouted.

Flutterwolf looked embarrassed for a moment for some reason, then suddenly spoke a few weird words, rearing to wave her clawed feet. Her foe howled and shivered and then…

That’s when it got weird. The giant wolf gave a huge howl and then he kind of shimmered and was like this glowing wolf thing only it wasn’t really a wolf, it was hunger. It wanted to eat us, eat everything. Fluttershy’s Element, mine, they were food for it.

But it hadn’t… it’s loyalty held it back. Not fear. Though now I could smell just a little fear on the wind. A little. But its master didn’t want it to eat Fluttershy. But what *did* his master want?

I wish Twilight was here, she’s the one to figure this out. She probably has a book about it.

Rarity… I could smell her anger. I think. Human smells are harder to tell.

I still don’t understand why Marcus smells like the air when you’re flying to me. That kind of clean, crisp smell. You know what I mean.

Even if Ivan thinks he smells like bacon. But he didn’t stay pony long enough to get it all straight. How would he know how bacon smells anyway? Humans have a terrible sense of smell.

I’m pretty sure cooked pork would not smell like clean air.

Now Rarity was really angry for some reason. Why? “Begone, foul creature!” she said angrily. “Go back to your home plane and trouble ours no more!” Her horn glowed and her element and the power rushed at him.

He turned and howled and then went poof.

Rarity slumped over onto me, nearly falling off. “So terrible,” she mumbled.

“You did great,” I told her. “Umm… I didn’t know you could banish demons.”

“He wasn’t a demon, but I’m not sure what he was,” Flutterwolf said. She now barked at the wolves, who were lurking nearby, scattered and watching. They formed a pack and she sent them off. “Beyond mean.”

“He was the opposite of generous. He wanted to just eat everything, suck it all down and share with no one. I couldn’t… once Fluttershy revealed him, he just… I hated him on sight,” Rarity said, sounding drained and amazed. “This must be how Twilight feels after she does something big. I could sleep forever.”

“Someone sent him,” I said. “He has a master.”

Flutterwolf frowned and became Fluttershy again. “We really have to get to the Pole before it gets even colder but this is something for druids to look into.” She looked around the forest, clearly displeased.

“We can come back after,” I told her. “Shouldn’t there be a druid in charge of the area?”

“Yes. I don’t know much about the area to find her, though,” Fluttershy said. “I’ll pray on the ship.” She sighed. “Poor wolves, they hadn’t eaten in days because he took all the prey they killed.”

My eyes crossed. Druids are so weird sometimes. But I guess it’s good Fluttershy loves all the animals of the forest. Even the ones that would… probably eat us.

Or try. I could kick that whole pack’s ass if I had to.

Fluttershy helped me stuff Rarity into one of my magical saddlebags so she wouldn’t fall off me; having bags bigger on the inside than the outside is very useful. And common in Equestria.

It was time to go, so we went.

**************

Listening to wizards talk shop will rot your brain. She and Twilight and Marcus and Fluttershy were all being very metaphysical. Blah, blah, daemons, blah, blah odyllic linebackers of farce, blah blah, five dimensional bingo, blah.

At least that’s what it sounded like to me. Pinkie was listening raptly and spewing nonsense at times. And Spike was pitching into the babble.

This left Applejack, Ivan, and myself to listen and understand nothing.

Then Ivan began talking about Titans and we lost him too. AJ and I decided to go play some cards.

“Next time, you can take me,” AJ said to me. “I could do with the feel of the ground; I feel all weird up here.”

“Yeah, I’m cooped up too,” I told her. “I wish we could get to the pole quicker.”

“I mean… I can’t feel the ground,” AJ said. “It’s an Earth Pony thing.” She frowned at her cards, then pushed three silver coins over. “I bid three.”

I had the two and eight of flames and the three and five of stones and a useless Queen of winds. I matched her three and then threw in my queen, the three and the five, praying for a pair or a flush; she discarded three. Ho ho, she must have a pair. Gilda was always better at counting cards than me, but I can manage that much.

Gilda…

I sighed. I’d grown up and she hadn’t. She was still all teenage rebel. Which is why I thought she was cool at the time. She was cool. So was I; we were the coolest kids in school.

Prance is full of Griffons, but she had kinda rejected that; she was too rough and tumble like their ancestors and modern Griffons tend to be really slick. Her father is named Anton and he’s just… he’s kind of like Rarity if Rarity was a Griffon and had a moustache. Or like my Mom.

I hope she’s okay; she didn’t have many friends because she was too rough for most Griffons and a lot of Ponies don’t like Griffons. I’d like to be her friend still but she’s mad at me. Because of Pinkie.

But Pinkie was just trying to be friendly. Sometimes she’s too friendly, though.

And Gilda really can’t take a joke.

“Sugarcube, you ever gonna see my bet?” Applejack asked.

She had put out another five silver. She looked confident. AJ can’t bluff worth a damn, so she likely has something solid.

I… wait, what did I get?, I thought. I wasn’t sure. Six of flames, nine of flames, jack of flames! FLUSH! Sweet!

Now I had to figure out quickly if I was ahead of AJ or not.

“You having a flashback?” she asked, sounding amused.

“Sorta. Thinking about an old friend I haven’t seen in a while. I hope she’s okay.” I touched my necklace and felt it pulse. I had a sudden feeling Gilda *was* in trouble and that bothered me.

But it was probably just guilt, so I focused on my cards. She probably can’t beat me if she just had a pair before unless she has four of a kind now. “I raise you three,” I told her.

“I see,” she said, pushing her silver coins over.

She had two pair and so I beat her with my flush! Yeah!

We kept on playing while everyone else distantly yammered about planes and inverted thunder souls or something.

Not my problem.

*****************

Being closely interrogated by Twilight in obsession mode is rather exhausting, especially when Pinkie puts a glowing gem in a funnel and then shines it in your face and keeps babbling about how she is the law.

With a bucket over her head with a slit for her eyes.

“So you could feel he was loyal to something, but not what,” Twilight said for the fourth, maybe fifth time.

“Yes. He just looked like a wolf to me until Rarity did whatever the hay she did to him. I don’t know any of this magic stuff,” I told Twilight, feeling frustrated.

“But you can tell I am loyal to Celestia,” she said thoughtfully.

“I don’t need magic to know that,” I told her. “I think he was able to partly hide it somehow.”

“And he didn’t fly,” Twilight said thoughtfully, circling me, while Pinkie continued to glower through the bucket.

“We’ll catch this perp,” Pinkie said darkly.

“Dahling, I think you’ll blind her if you don’t turn out the light,” Rarity said to Pinkie.

Thanks, Rarity.

“When you interrogate someone, you shine a light in their eyes and glower until they break,” Pinkie said. “Everyone knows that.”

Spike began shivering and then said, “I ate the cupcake, okay? It was ME. I ate them ALL.”

This got her to interrogate him and I was glad.

AJ was idly doing rope tricks and listening; I could tell she was feeling kind of bored. I would be bored if I wasn’t so sick of this.

“I told you everything I know,” I told her. How can answering questions be so tiring?

“If he can shield himself against an Element, he must be very powerful,” Twilight thought.

“I think he was afraid of Fluttershy,” Rarity said. “So not powerful enough to just hold us in contempt.”

“It was loyalty which held him back. But he wasn’t strong enough to stop Fluttershy and he could only partly block me. Maybe some druid summoned him for some reason?” I speculated.

“It’s possible,” Fluttershy said. “A druid shouldn’t go around summoning hunger spirits like that, though. And they can’t normally turn into a wolf.”

“I wish I had been there,” Ivan said, frowning. He touched his amulet. “This lets me detect things related to the Immortals.”

“I refuse to take the blame for that incident, I was teething!” Spike said loudly, drawing my attention for a moment.

“Pinkie, do you know any stories about hungry wolves?” Ivan asked Pinkie.

“Lots but they aren’t so magical,” Pinkie said. “Isn’t Petrov and the Wolf a Karameikan story?” She looked thoughtful. “This can’t be the Wolf Who Cried Boy either.”

That name doesn’t even make sense.

“Maybe the wolf form was just an illusion,” Rarity said. “Given it didn’t have the right weight anyway. So it’s just a hunger spirit with a wolf illusion.”

“My homeland has a lot of stories about wolves but not this wolf,” Ivan said.

I suddenly wondered if it had something to do with those poor timberwolves.

But that was hundreds of miles away from this.

“I will try and pray for guidance,” Fluttershy said. “I will be in my room with Slither helping me. If that’s okay with everyone.”

“That’s a great idea, and I will send Celestia a letter,” Twilight said.

“Can you send one to Luna for me?” Ivan asked Spike.

“I was *given* that soufflé,” Spike said to Pinkie. “And YOU ate it.” He pointed an accusing finger at her.

Pinkie nudged him gently and he said to Ivan, “Sure thing.”

“I suppose I should ask Helga to inquire among her kin,” Marcus said, frowning.

“Father might know something from his military experience. If you don’t mind sending so many letters, Spike. I don’t want to wear you out,” Rarity said hesitantly to Spike.

His eyes crossed and he sighed, then said, “It’s fine. It’s when I *get* a lot of letters at once that I can get kind of sick.”

She nodded and AJ said, “Wish I could help but I ain’t got no one unless Granny ran into one of these… I guess it can’t hurt to ask.”

I don’t… hey! “Time to write Soarin’, see if any of the Wonderbolts have run into something like this.” I should write my boyfriend, anyway.

“Don’t forget to put some hearts on Ivan’s letter to Luna,” Marcus said to Spike, grinning.

Spike glared at Marcus; Ivan said, “We are not like that!”

“Uh huh,” Marcus said, grinning. He now kissed Rarity, who was still in human form.

Ivan and Marcus then began wrestling around until Twilight made them get off the bridge before they broke something. Fluttershy then lectured them about… I don’t want to know, really. I went to my room to write my letter to Soarin’.

***************

An hour later, I’d discarded ten attempts as utterly terrible. Too soppy. Not soppy enough. Too many rambling diversions. And my effort to draw us together looked like something a five day old foal would make.

By drooling on paper.

Aaaargh, I am no good at this but I think the only people on here who are any good at this kind of thing are Marcus and Rarity, both of whom will tease me.

Or my Mom but I still haven’t told her I am seeing Soarin’ or she’d have me in dresses. Magical ones that glue themselves to you.

Even Rarity isn’t as obsessed with pretty dresses as she is.

“Hey, Dash, you ready to send your letter yet?” Spike asked from outside my room.

Tank gently nudged my side with his head. It’s his way of being comforting. I patted his head. “Good boy,” I said softly and he smiled. To Spike, I said, “Still revising!”

Five drafts later, Rarity came in. “Hello, darling,” she said to me. “Having trouble with your letter?”

“No, I’m cool,” I told her. The last thing I need is something so mushy that the sugar knocks Soarin’ out. It’s gotta be *me*.

But I’m not used to writing letters.

Which causes Mom to yell at me. By mail.

Dad’s more mellow about it. Because he’s lousy at letters too.

“It must be a very long letter,” she said, coming around to gently pet Tank and try to look at my letter, which I now flopped over onto in order to hide it.

“I have a lot to say.” I don’t even know what to say. I’m not good with words and when I try to say how I feel, I sound like a little kid.

“Just make it simple, like you,” Rarity said.

“I’m not a simpleton,” I said, frowning.

“No, I mean, you are bold and direct. So be bold and direct. No need for frills. Just say how you feel, how much you miss him, how you wish he was here. Not everyone need be as fancy as I,” she continued. “May I hold him?”

I let her pick up Tank; she was still in human form. He cuddled up to her. As much as a turtle can.

“I just feel like I have so much to say but I can’t get it into words,” I said softly. “I just think of him and I just feel so much.” It’s kind of scary, sometimes.

I have never had a coltfriend before but don’t tell anyone that. I was too tough for the guys at flight school; they just saw me as another colt. And I wasn’t interested, anyway.

I had my eye on being a Wonderbolt. I still do but I have a feeling that being an Element of Harmony is where I’ll be in ten years.

I bet Rarity had a ton of coltfriends in high school.

I glanced at her, and she was smiling and gently stroking Tank under his chin like he likes.

I wonder if Soarin’ would like that or if it’s a turtle thing.

“You going to stay human a while?” I asked her.

“Until it wears off, anyway,” she said. “Marcus and I are either sleeping or stuck in the chair most of the time when we’re awake.” She sighed. “You can’t imagine how draining and boring it is.”

I can totally imagine, I just remember them talking shop.

“Seeing Fluttershy face that thing down was kind of amazing,” I told Rarity. “I wouldn’t have thought she could do it.” I’m proud of her but I feel weird after seeing it.

“I can’t imagine caring about wolves like that, but I guess that’s part of being a druid,” Rarity said. “It’s strange. They’re not as frightening when I’m like this. It was a threat but normally, wolves make me very nervous and it was just… I felt much less scared of it.”

“I wasn’t scared but nothing scares me,” I told her. This wasn’t true, boredom scares me. Not being cool scares me.

But giant wolves? I’ve faced down an immortal and got away with it! Hah, I would have whipped his ass.

“I suppose being a wolf made her braver,” Rarity said thoughtfully.

“She should just turn into me,” I said and Rarity laughed. She has a pretty laugh.

“What did it feel like when you were human?” Rarity asked me, petting Tank’s head. He was licking her cheek and she laughed.

“Weird sense of balance,” I told her. “It is SO much easier to walk on two legs as a human instead of a pony that I could hardly believe it. And their forelegs are jointed weirdly backwards. That feels really strange.”

Rarity studied her forelegs. “You’re right, they are. Though you can rotate them around.”

“And your field of vision shrinks so much, though it’s easier to see movement,” I continued. “No sense of smell hardly at all. I didn’t get to eat anything but that would mess with your sense of taste, right?”

“I believe so; Pinkie would know,” Rarity said thoughtfully.

“Anyway, I felt the same in my mind but my body was totally different. It was harder to feel the air and my wings were bound under the clothing, which was kind of irritating. I doubt I could use my weather powers easily,” I told her. I rolled onto my back, splaying out and studying the ceiling. Which has badly painted clouds on it. “Do you like… I guess Unicorns would feel the field of magic everywhere, right?”

“Yes but most of us aren’t good at anything past their cutie mark magics and some basic things for polite society. But I can sense magic,” Rarity said. “And I know the theory, of course; I refused to get bad grades even if it didn’t seem so relevant to my future.” She sighed. “Now I wish I’d studied more but I didn’t think it would ever matter.”

I felt this bloom of recognition in my heart. “I know, that’s how I feel too. It just… my teachers really sucked on anything not related to flying.”

“Or you didn’t care,” Rarity said, sighing and studying Tank.

“They didn’t make me care.” I touched my Element. “I just feel this connection to things I didn’t used to. The things important to me are changing. I guess… I guess it’s getting older.” Which makes me feel weird.

“I know, darling, we’re all changing,” Rarity said softly. She put Tank down and now sat down by me, hand on my back for a moment, though then she removed it and looked embarrassed and I don’t know why.

“I won’t melt,” I told her, a little amused.

“It’s… nothing, darling.” She seemed to look around, not sure what to do with her hands. They ended up on her legs.

I stared down at my letter I was writing. I need to change into a me who is any good at this. Somehow. “Mom was always good at writing letters,” I mumbled.

“Your mother is an impressive woman,” Rarity told me. “She has quite a reputation.” Her cheerful voice made it clear to me about that.

“For not being satisfied with me,” I muttered.

“Oh, parents are like that. They want the best for you and can take a lot of effort to convince that their path isn’t yours. Mother always approved of me, but Father’s disappointed none of his children went into the military.”

“Yeah, I can’t imagine you lasting five minutes,” I said. Me, I’d kick ass but all the officers are so *bossy* I would go mad.

Rarity sighed and looked a little guilty. “I did learn archery from him and I’m glad I did. But I wanted to be my own boss and I don’t like fighting.”

“I like fighting but I like being my own boss too,” I told her.

I was surprised when Twilight stuck her head in. “Need help with your letter?”

“Aren’t you flying the ship?” I asked.

“Fluttershy volunteered to pull it for a while so we could all rest,” Twilight said. “It was very kind of her.”

Wow, she’s… not that big on flying. But our unicorns have been doing all the work and… I could have volunteered and didn’t even think of it. Though this thing must be kind of heavy to pull. “Maybe I should go help Fluttershy.”

“Finish your letter first, darling,” Rarity said to me.

Twilight tried to pull my letter out from under me and I crouched over it instinctively. “I’ve got it,” I told her.

“You wouldn’t be hiding it if you did,” Twilight said and now I was embarrassed. How could she tell?

Distantly, I heard drums.

I tried to ignore them and said, “Well, I guess it wouldn’t hurt if you helped.”

She scratched out virtually every word, rearranged the sentences and changed all the spelling. She even had better penmanship.

“Too precise,” I said. “He’ll think I didn’t write it.”

“You signed it your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle, darling,” Rarity said to Twilight.

Twilight stared, then buried her face in her hooves.

With them helping, I eventually managed to bang out a letter, though it sucked.

I guess sometimes you have to cut your losses.

I hate writing letters.

***************

The last thing I expected was Ditzy, in a scarf, a ski cap, and a sweater, banging on my window. So I opened it and she tossed me a sheaf of mail through it. “Here you go! Letters for everyone! The mail must go through and now it’s gone through the window! Mission… ACCOMPLISHED!” She now saluted my right shoulder.

“Ditzy, how did you get all the way here in frozenland?” I asked her, feeling the blast of cold air come in the window.

I could see snow falling all around us and some distant blue blur in the air, which I guess must be how she got here, some kind of ship. Zeppelin. Flying thing. We were over ice and snow now, very close to our target, beyond even the taiga. Or is it the tundra?

“I had to hitch a ride.” She stuck her head in her saddlebag. “There had better not be anyone hiding in here!” she shouted into her bag.

…

“You shouldn’t let your mouth sag or something will fly into it,” Ditzy said kindly. “Good luck on your mission, I have to take some mail out to the fifth planet.”

“Didn’t it blow up and turn into asteroids?” I asked.

She now looked embarrassed. “Hahaha. I didn’t say that, I meant the other fifth planet. Which didn’t blow up. It’s just… SHOES!” She darted off into the howling snow.

Shoes? I closed the window and sorted the mail. I had a note from Scootaloo, which opened with ‘I am not bitter at all’ and got more bitter from there.

Sorry, Scoots but this is dangerous and you’re still a kid.

I suddenly feared we’d reach the site and they would *already be there* somehow. I put the rest of my mail aside with Tank standing guard over the letter from Soarin’, then played mailpony to everyone.

“Lyra promised me she’d keep them busy,” Marcus told me. “And I’ve searched the whole zeppelin three times.”

“So how do we land this thing? As it’s too snowy for Fluttershy and I to land everyone,” I asked.

I was up front now; Rarity was sleeping but Marcus and Twilight were up in the pilot room; I expect they were busy talking magic shop before I came.

“If Ditzy could get here so easily, we should have used whatever she used,” Twilight grumbled, then sighed. “This makes a good mobile base, though. And yes, the fifth planet blew up in a battle between the Immortals and the Outer Beings, after Arik of the Hundred Eyes succumbed to their temptations. Of course, that would make Khoronous the new fifth planet. And it’s only named after the Immortal, before you ask.”

There’s an immortal named Khoronous?

That does make sense that you just renumber once one blows up.

But why is Ditzy delivering mail there?

***************

{Dear Dashie my Darling,

I miss you so much. We did a show in Shireton today for a charitable endi… endo… thing which our Ambassador there is sponsoring, rehabilitating halflings who got corrupted by Chaos in some sort of odd fighting club. Anyway, I wish I could be there with you.

Lightning Flash thinks he’s heard of thought elementals which embody emotions; hunger is sort of an emotion, right? Thunderclap says there are goblins that turn into wolves and vice-versa, but this doesn’t sound very wolfish. Maybe a very strange werewolf?

Spitfire says she has heard that magic fails if you get too close to the poles; it’s intended to keep away travelers. I hope that doesn’t happen to you.

Dawnstar says to remember to wear your cold weather outfit; she’s heard of pegasi’s wings freezing so they couldn’t fly when they tried to go that far north. PLEASE be careful.

I wish I knew something fancy to say or could be more help. Love you, Rainbow Dash.

Your coltfriend,

Soarin’. }

I hugged the letter, smiling. Some maybe useful advice and he loves me! And there’s no danger of hobbit women seducing him in Shireton.

Then I thought about Marcus and winced, then shook my head.

Marcus isn’t a hobbit. They’re like stomachs with legs.

Soarin’ wouldn’t go for that.

Spike now came in, holding a scroll. “Letter from Crash,” he said, tossing it to me.

I was a little surprised, but okay, that’s fine. Maybe I should send her an update.

It was hard to read her horrible scrawl, so I may be laying it wrongly for you here, but this is what I think I read:

{Deer Raynebow Dash,

I hate Thonia. I hate everything in Thonia. I especially hate Thonians, who are all crazy sighkicks who think you are out to steal their sandwich, therefour, they try to control your mind and steal your secrets and discuss all your thoughts about your coltfriend in front of everyone and then you just want to die.

Thonian Pegasi are terrible flyers and lousy at controlling weather, but they all have really strong sidekick powers which enable them to be even more obnoxious than the humans. The humans at least do not want to date my coltfriend! And he doesn’t flirt with the humans.

Dammit.

*The next paragraph was one big blur for some reason.*

Clarity offered to set me up with a pony she knows but I can’t be sure if he actually exists for real or is the way she remembers him or even if he is male. I wouldn’t give up so easy even if I was sure.

You are SO LUCKY, DAMN YOU.

*The next paragraph was a blur too.*

Dammit, a sighkid read my mind while I was writing this letter. I am going to go kick his ass. Hold on.

Dawn Gleaming said to tell you that she will pay 300 gold if you can secure her an ice core down to the bottom of the ice.

She did not explain what it is, but I assume Twilight will know.

Hold on.

Okay, back. Had to kick another person’s ass. I hate this inn so much.

It’s called the Temple of the Gorf. This is apparently the funniest possible joke to the locals but no one will explain it to a ‘hindbrain’. Isn’t a hind some kind of deer? Am I being mocked? Maybe I should kick all their asses on general principles.

Bloody hell, Clarity is freaking out because her wine was watered down. I will continue this later, when I stop Spikey trying to set the waiter on fire even if he deserves it so much.

Back. Hate sighclicks so much. I think Dawn Gleaming is joking about tinfoil hats, though.

Dammit, I had some reason for writing this paper and now dinner is here.

Back. Okay, the fried potatoes and mushrooms are really awesome and Dawn Gleaming assured us that they removed almost all of the poison, just enough to give it a tang. It was really tasty but the mushroom wine, so good.

*Three pages of illegible scrawl follow this*

That stuff really has a kick and now I can see dead people!

*One page of illegible scrawl follows*

Don’t ever drink the mushroom wine in Thonia unless you like… who scribbled this junk all over my letter? Dammit!

There are damn crazy sidlekick frog-people all over this damn cold swamp. Why did it have to be a black dragon who died? At least Cruisin’ isn’t hitting on them.

The good news is that I totally kicked the ass of the giant four headed frog-giant-lion-butterfly thing. Whatever it was. I ran rings around it until it crashed into a tree, fell over, and sank into the swamp.

Anyway, Spikey says I should send you this before we reach the cave. Wish us luck.

Kick some ass at the poles and be glad there are no killer frogs.

Or sighknids.

Your Elder Sister,

Rainbow Crash }

*I* am the elder sister!

But I’m glad she’s doing well.

I think.

*****************

“I am pretty sure we won’t be flying into the anti-magic zone,” Twilight said.

“Pretty sure,” Marcus said with his ‘we’re dead’ tone of voice.

“It seems awfully dangerous to have an anti-magic zone in a frozen wilderness,” Applejack said, frowning and looking out the window.

We were all up in the piloting room, talking and staring out the window at the endless snow and ice.

“It’s to keep people out of the Hollow World but we’re not going there,” Twilight said.

I would love to go there like Daring Doo did but I don’t have time right now.

“I can make sure your wings won’t freeze,” Fluttershy said to me. “I know a spell.”

“Thanks,” I said to her and she smiled brightly; she has a pretty smile and I am surprised she doesn’t have a coltfriend by now.

*Twilight* has a coltfriend.

That may mean the end of the world is on us.

I shouldn’t be so mean; she’d already dated Marcus or whatever exactly happened with them.

“I can keep us warm,” Spike said confidently.

“I will send Celestia a letter so she’ll know if something goes wrong,” Twilight said.

“Is there some way to sense it ahead of us?” Ivan asked.

“If I cast the flight spell, I could scout ahead for it,” Twilight said.

“That sounds like a way to end up falling to your death,” Marcus said, frowning.

“I can carry Marcus,” I said. He needs another bravery lesson. “He can sense it and I can dodge it.”

Marcus was wary but you know how he is; I soon got him suited up and we took off.

*****************

I shouldn’t fly upside down but I had to tease Marcus a little; he clung to me desperately and I laughed then got right side up and we flew around; there was no snow coming down, just endless ice. If this is later summer here, I fear what winter is like.

But it’s cool to see it. You can see the curve of the planet from up here with the terrain so flat and boring. I knew abstractly that it was curved but it’s usually not so obvious.

Damn, it is even colder here, though.

We’re really close. I could feel it now. “You sensing anything, Marcus?”

“I think one of my past lives went to one of the poles,” he told me thoughtfully. “Only I think it was the South Pole.”

“Was it like this?”

“More dinosaurs and we found this ancient Elven ruins; Haldir thought it was where the Elves were first born,” Marcus said softly, sounding thoughtful.

And then the ice cracked and the most hideous grinding noise went off and I could see the ice MOVE, very quickly, as we both stared. On one side, it suddenly sheared upwards, exposing rock; on the other side, it now was overhung by the left side rising. Marcus had us come down low to check it out.

Okay, here’s the freaky thing. When you got close to where the rock had sheared, you could see tiny shells and things embedded in it. Bones, and so on. But how could fish get into rock to get stuck and leave their bones behind? Or imprints of their bones?

I asked Marcus and he said, “Pinkie might know the details; I’ve seen this before but I don’t know how it works. Or Twilight.” He frowned. “I guess an earthquake just happened. Hopefully not a sign of a hideous monster burrowing up from beneath the ice.”

“Oh, I’d just dodge it,” I told him, then laughed.

When the hideous giant purple snake monster, its mouth big enough to swallow my house, erupted up through the ice and tried to eat us, I wasn’t laughing so much. Until it missed and smacked its head into the rock and *then* I laughed. It missed thanks to my very nimble flying and I now rose up out of its reach as it burrowed down through the ice.

“Okay, this is bad,” Marcus said, frowning.

“That we didn’t get eaten?” I asked.

“That it knew where to aim. Purple worms feel vibrations; it shouldn’t be able to aim at someone up in the air,” he said.

Now the ground cracked again and again; good thing I fly! Pretty soon, it was a purple worm party and two of them started trying to eat each other, bashing each other with their bodies and trying to wrap around each other.

I got higher and they gave up and all began digging down except for the two who were trying to kick each other’s… side. They really don’t have a butt, I guess.

Marcus frowned. “Let’s scout forwards.”

We encountered no anti-magic but a lot more ice and several more areas where the ground jutted up, freshly breaking the ice. So we gave up and reported back to the Zeppelin.

*******************

Even with ice over everything, you could see we were in a valley as we hovered over ground zero. It’s all so frozen here; we could see weird lights on the horizon, huge waves of light. In places a few spires of rock stuck up through the ice and I suddenly wondered how deep it was.

And why Rarity had covered half the meeting room’s floor with chalk marks. And ringed it with candles. And had Spike holding up a scroll for her. Why not use telekinesis?

Especially when Spike looks so embarrassed.

Twilight said, “I can do it for you.”

“No, darling, I can do this. I have to.” Rarity, back in pony form, licked her lips nervously. “The circle is right, isn’t it, Marcus?”

He had an odd look on his face, but he said, “Excuted with perfection as I’d expect of you. Don’t worry, Helga knows her stuff.” He sighed. “Better than me on air magic.”

“Air magic?” I asked.

“Hair magic? Let me help,” Pinkie said from the hallway; I now realized I was blocking the doorway and moved aside.

“I am going to summon an air elemental,” Rarity said, licking her lips.

“Isn’t that something for really powerful wizards?” I asked, and she glared at me. “I mean, you mainly just do your fashion magic and a little telekinesis, right?”

She drew herself up and tried to tower over me. Given she is only a tiny touch taller, it didn’t work all that well. “I am a unicorn,” she said, a little haughtily. “Magic is my blood. Any unicorn can become a great wizard if they set their mind to it.”

“You might be better off practicing with dust devils before you move on to a whirlwind,” Twilight said.

The gaze of Rarity caused her to freeze up and mumble about warmup exercises.

Marcus opened his mouth, then shut it as her gaze flickered to him. He began lighting the candles.

Pinkie stuck her head in her saddlebags. “Where’s that whirlwind costume…”

“Rarity, you ain’t gotta prove you’re a great wizard for some reason. What if it goes wild and wrecks the zeppelin?” Applejack said to her.

“Darling, you know as well as everyone how strong my will is. This will go smoothly, and Fluttershy can dispel it if something goes wrong,” Rarity said.

“Wouldn’t it be safer to summon it down on the ice?” I asked. I know hublis… whatever it’s called… when I see it.

“I cannot, in fact, easily get there under my own power to summon it, unless I first summon it,” Rarity said carefully, her eyes intense.

I looked at AJ, who looked at me, then said, “Rarity, this smells dangerous to me.”

“Anyone who is worried can go down to the ice without me,” she said tightly.

Can’t she just use that butterfly wing spell or get Twilight to cast it for her? Or ride in someone’s saddlebag.

“Don’t worry,” Marcus said calmly, though I think he was faking it. “Helga wouldn’t give Rarity a spell she can’t handle and she is very strong willed. And Fluttershy is a good druid. We’ll be fine.”

I guess maybe I can stuff everyone in my magic saddlebags and fly home with them but I have a bad feeling about this.

“Ra…” AJ began.

“I don’t tell you how to tend your blueberry trees,” Rarity snapped tensely.

“Blueberries grow on *bushes*,” AJ said.

“Exactly,” Rarity said.

What?

“You can do it, Rarity, I believe in you,” Spike said, though his voice strangled at the end.

“Spike, I can hold it for her,” Fluttershy said kindly.

“No, I’m good, it’s just paper,” he said, looking at Rarity while trying to not look at her.

Sorry, man. I’m not much on reading people’s faces but you would have to be blind not tell how jumpy Spike was around Rarity. I can’t blame him. Being dumped sucks.

Rarity and AJ stared into each other’s eyes deeply and I shuffled on my hooves. I glanced at Marcus; his loyalty warred with his other emotions but in the end, it outweighed the rest. I guess that’s one reason we get on well. Even if Rarity blew the place up, he’d go along with her on this. He felt he owed her. I guess it’s a love thing; I’d be on Soarin’s side if he wanted to… there’s really no way Soarin’ could blow this place up.

Maybe with a really big cloud…

I forced myself not to imagine us jumping on clouds to zap people with lightning much as I know a few ponies who could use a surprise zap.

Part of me suddenly wanted to prank Rarity but the other part worried that would blow up the ship.

I am getting old.

I will prank her once we no longer risk apocalypse; I can tell Twilight and Marcus are both worried about this. That makes me worried. Rarity can do a lot of stuff I know Marcus or even Twilight can’t, but she doesn’t do this kind of fancy wizardy stuff, right?

Also, AJ and Rarity were having a stare-off and I could feel the air between them crackling with power and it was making my coat stand up. Pinkie was deliberately getting close to get as fuzzy as possible and I couldn’t help it.

I just started laughing and everyone stared at me and I pointed a hoof at Pinkie who laughed too and now we both rolled around… all over the chalk so we got covered in it.

“Dash, look at what you are DOING,” Rarity said, aggravated. “It takes forever to draw all that!”

AJ let out a deep sigh. “Rarity, there ain’t no shame in lettin’ another pony help you.”

“Said the pot,” Rarity said tightly.

AJ now stared at the window, out at the snow. “Okay, maybe I ain’t the best pony to say that. I know all about wantin’ to be the best you can be. But is this really the best answer? I could probably make a rig so you could lower yerself to the ground if that’s what you want.”

“Oooh, I think I have something on that…” Twilight stuck her head in one of her saddlebags, trying to find the right book.

“I can do this. Helga gave me very precise instructions and if her daughter can do this, I can do it,” Rarity said firmly.

Helga lets her little kid summon air elementals? Surely not. Maybe she was bragging.

“That kid is really amazing,” Marcus said, looking embarrassed.

Oh I get it. Can’t let someone else outshine her. She probably took it as a challenge. I had a coach like that, claimed his kid could outfly anyone. Made you work harder.

I bet that’s exactly what Helga was doing, trying to push Rarity out of ‘I want to be a great wizard’, where you just talk about it, and into ‘becoming a great wizard’.

I’m not sure why she suddenly wants to compete in Twilight’s area, but hey, competition makes you better.

And I can totally understand not wanting to have to depend on others.

But sometimes, you have to.

She needs me and I’m going to help her.

“Then let’s do it; daylight is limited and I want to get to digging; the air elemental can help us dig down. I didn’t meant to destroy your runes, Rarity, I’ll help you redraw them.”

Rarity being Rarity, she ended up just about redrawing it all, but as I drew, I tried to put my Element’s power into it and to strengthen her work. Only I can’t tell if it worked or not.

I was weirdly tired afterwards and flopped down, watching as Pinkie cheered in this weird pink outfit with these weird bushy streamer clump things over her forehooves and Rarity began to chant. I expected her element to light up; the fact that it didn’t made me even more nervous, though her horn was glowing. Twilight was pacing around until Fluttershy hugged her to get her to stop moving.

AJ was idly doing rope tricks in the corner with her magic rope; I suspect she was ready to fight it; I was too exhausted. Man, I must have done something cool.

I put my goggles on, just in case. If nothing else, I’d look cooler.

Ivan now began throwing things through AJ’s rope hoops for some reason, only half watching the rite.

This spell, by the way, takes freaking forever. I was starting to fall asleep as the runes began to glow and my Element glowed; Rarity’s still wasn’t glowing and that worried me. I guess this is just for her but will she have enough power without it?

Rarity finished chanting with a bunch of nonsensical babble, “Mi pignarean hai go!” she shouted.

And then suddenly, my weather sense kicked in; pressure shifted and winds began to circle a central column. I watched with interest now; I could feel what was happening; this was like Pegasus magic. I just wished I was less tired.

It howled and tried to break loose and I felt the power flare in the runes and I concentrated on holding it still.

“Marcus, darling, the bottle,” Rarity said.

He floated a bottle of some orange liquid; it had a label which read ‘Happy Orange Farms: Orange Blossom Perfume’.

AJ’s eyes widened. “Dammit, Rarity, did Apple Blossom sell you that? We have a perfectly good line of perfumes my aunt Delicious makes, you know.”

I couldn’t help start laughing. What a name to stick your poor kid with! I wonder if her sister is named Tasty.

“I made her a nice dress and she gifted me with a selection of perfumes,” Rarity said, waving a hoof. “Mister Elemental, how may I address you?”

He howled and battered the barriers. I wonder if this is a big one; he was at least six feet across.

“He says he is the mighty Tree-Smasher and he is going to blow you to the Moon for summoning him,” Fluttershy said, then looked worried. “Oh dear.”

“She did send you the binding spell, right?” Twilight said in a sudden panic.

“Now, now, I couldn’t force a thinking creature to obey me,” Rarity said, doing her little strut thing. Which would probably get most stallions to obey her but I don’t think it works on Elementals.

“I have invoked thee in the style of the White Order, as instructed by a member of the order,” Rarity continued. She held out the perfume. “Aid me in this mine work and I shall pay thee with this, or more if thee likest it.” Her voice was all weird sounding now. And she seemed to pretending to be in a historical play. Her Element now began to glow.

Then they started haggling with Fluttershy as a translator. Seeing Fluttershy make weird wind noises is kind of spooky. Me starting to gradually understand them was spooky too; by the end, I could understand what they were both saying… okay, I already understood Rarity but you know what I mean. Rarity ended up throwing in three more bottles, but I expect she carries twenty or thirty, anyway.

Some of the wind now solidified into a bracer of ice which she clamped onto her right foreleg, with runes in it; he then vanished into the bracer. She stroked it idly. “What a lovely design; I had hoped to get an artist,” she said approvingly.

Marcus suddenly slumped and Twilight said, “Well done, Rarity.” She looked thoughtful and a little worried.

So I had to pounce on her and tumble around with her, tickling her, until we ended up in the hallway.

“You okay?” I asked her.

“I just… hadn’t really thought about it. But some elementals are intelligent,” Twilight said. “I don’t really do summoning much.” Now she looked guilty.

“It’s cool, right?” I asked hesitantly.

“Yes. And nice job with the runes,” Twilight said, shifting to being happier. She touched her own forehead, stroking her element. “You’re getting good with it,” she said approvingly.

“Well, we all need to practice, right?” I told her, wondering what else cool I could do.

“Yes. Let’s get going; I need some fresh air; we’ve all been cooped up in here too long.” She trotted in place the way impatient ponies do.

“Bored of your books?” I teased her.

She looked embarrassed. “Not bored, I just… Even at school, I wasn’t stuck all the time in one small building. I love you all but being locked in here with everyone all the time is a little too much. I kind of envy you for being able to get out more,” she said slowly, maybe a little reluctant to admit it. “Also, piloting is really, really, incredibly boring.”

“Yeah, it’s not like real flight. You going to get some wings?”

BAMF, spell, wings. “Yes,” she said, grinning.

“RACE YOU TO THE GROUND!” I told her.

I won, of course. Oh yeah.

****************

Only after I landed on the ice, which stretched across and buried a valley through the hills, did I see what I had most dreaded to find here.

The Cutie Mark Crusader FLAG.

“Dammit, Lyra promised to watch them!” Applejack said and began looking around.

Twilight wrote a letter and had Spike send it, then we fanned out.

But we couldn’t find the Crusaders *anywhere*. Unless they buried themselves under the ice. No tracks, no sign of a vehicle, no traces of teleportation. But how else could the flag get here?

Lyra sent us back a letter after we’d done a long search; we heard music and Lyra singing about how the Crusaders were all building a really great two-seater catapult which would really hurl things a long way though she wasn’t sure why it needed actual pony-style chairs for the launching arm instead of a scoop.

“Oh wow, a Musical Sending,” Pinkie said. “Okay, we must stage a musical to send her back a message! Hold on, I have a barn in here somewhere.” She began digging in her saddlebags.

“The flag is itself mundane but there are tiny traces of telekinetic magic,” Twilight said.

“It’s a real flag,” Applejack said, studying it.

I now remembered. “Twilight, Dawn Gleaming needs an ice core and she’ll pay 300 GP for it. What’s an ice core?”

“You cut a cylinder of ice that runs down to the bottom of the ice,” Twilight said. “That might actually be useful to study the ice layers, which could help us to dig down more efficiently.”

“And we owe dark ice from the bottom that hasn’t seen sun in a thousand years,” I said thoughtfully. “To Apple Bloom.”

Marcus eyed the flag as if it would bite him.

Pinkie and Applejack stomped around the ice. “I’m thinking this is a hundred feet deep,” Applejack said hesitantly.

“And there’s water under it,” Pinkie said.

“Wait, a hundred feet? Polar ice is generally not more than twenty or thirty at most and usually more like ten to twenty!” Twilight said, frowning.

“The lake’s pretty deep, I guess,” I said. “This valley used to be a lot deeper than it is now.”

“Maybe something is making it colder here?” Fluttershy said hesitantly.

“This is a job for the greatest weather pony in Equestria,” I said. “Fluttershy, back me up. We’ll figure out why there’s so much ice.”

“Maybe the Crusaders somehow flooded the area and it froze so much,” Spike said.

Man, I hope Scoots isn’t frozen under all this.

“We’ll work on taking a core,” Twilight said to me.

I nodded to her and we took to the air, trying to take the measure of the wind but everything is a mess here; chaotic air currents, no stable regions of pressure, it’s clear the weather is totally unplanned here.

Which is creepy. This must be how Rarity feels when Sweetie messes up her workshop.

“Should there be animals or plants or something?” I asked Fluttershy.

“There may be fish under the water or anaerobic lifeforms, especially if there is any sort of hot vent, though that would melt the ice, I think,” she told me, sniffing the air.

“But it’s not unnatural for there to be just ice,” I said hesitantly.

“There is too much ice here but it’s otherwise normal,” Fluttershy said.

I wonder if something happened here during the battle to make more ice and it just stuck? Maybe there’s a Decanter of Endless Water?

The weather here is like trying to move molasses. And hard to read. I got Fluttershy to stir up a little wind so I could read it. Pretty much cold and getting colder, not much in the air; it’s really dead here.

We spent a long time working, while I could see them trying to drill down into the ice to get a core out and breaking a lot of ice in the process, in part because when Rarity’s elemental buddy tried to help it made a big mess.

Finally, I flew down. “I don’t think it’s natural for there to be ice so deep here but I can’t figure out for sure if maybe the weather changes in some other part of the year.”

“This should be the least deep time of year,” Fluttershy said. “I think.”

“The ice is exceptionally pure,” Twilight said. “Is there some way you can analyze it?” she asked me. “I am armed for drilling but my library is really short on water magic.”

I got her to slice some ice with magic, then Pinkie and Applejack stomped it, then I whipped it into the air and Fluttershy and I began shaping it into clouds; it was too pure; it wouldn’t cohere properly into clouds. “Someone purified this water to make it hard to manipulate with Pegasus weather control,” I said, frowning. “Maybe the Crusaders did something.”

“Maybe this is the wolf’s revenge,” Rarity said, frowning. “If it was connected to the earlier incident, it may now know who you are and be back for revenge,” she continued. “Or maybe it is Cunning Thought behind it all, interfering with you as she did with Twilight.”

“She just talked to me,” Twilight said. Then she frowned. “I think.”

“But she’d know Pinkie and I can break this ice up; it’s not like Dash needs to make it into clouds to accomplish anything, right?” Applejack said hesitantly.

Ivan took a tentative whack and did serious damage, forcing me to deflect ice shards. “Ack, sorry, everyone,” he said, embarrassed.

“This is some kind of trap. Once we break the ice, we’ll regret it but Dash and Fluttershy won’t be able to freeze it back over,” Marcus said, frowning. “Right?”

“I think we could handle freezing but not fast,” I said, then looked at Fluttershy.

She nodded.

“Hmm, perhaps someone had a Decanter of Endless Water and dumped it out for a while,” Twilight said thoughtfully. “That pulls water from the Elemental Plane of Water; it is very pure and it would then freeze; Cunning Thought likely has known a while we would come here,” Twilight said. “Maybe there are monsters hidden in the lake. I could try scrying.”

“Okay,” I said.

She did a ritual from one of her books, then frowned. “Lead particulate in sufficient quantities to block scrying. Someone is hiding something,” Twilight said, frowning.

“So we can’t feel nuttin’ through the water, you can’t scry and it’s too pure for the pegasi,” Applejack said, then looked at Marcus and Ivan. “Got any human tricks?”

“I can start melting it but I’m reluctant to drill a hole that a crazed water elemental might erupt through,” Marcus said, frowning.

“I can’t sneak through ice. I can break it up with some work but that could release whatever is in the way,” Ivan said.

I grimaced. “Dammit, Cunning Thought! Show yourself! Or Crusaders. Or whoever is messing with me!!!”

If anyone was there, they didn’t show themselves.

“Maybe we could make a periscope,” Applejack said. “I don’t rightly know exactly how it works but it would let us peek down without letting nothing big out, right?”

“There likely isn’t light down there for us to see,” Marcus said. “Which I guess is good for us getting Apple Bloom the ice we promised her.” He looked for something to sit on, found nothing and basically looked aggravated.

“So there’s a sheet of lead?” I asked.

“A layer of lead in tiny particles in the ice; not solid enough to trigger Earth pony senses but good enough to block scrying,” Twilight said.

“Fluttershy, any chance you could sense anything alive down there?” I asked. “Or does the lead stop you too?”

“I will try,” she said and began to pray, Element glowing softly.

Pinkie had galloped off and up the slope to the east and was stomping around thoughtfully.

“Hey, wait, can you do that thing your sister does with her drums?” I shouted to her.

“Not nearly as well; I have to bang my hooves,” Pinkie shouted back. “She’s really good at it.”

What would Daring Doo do?

Probably crash the zeppelin in a fight with ice gypsies and then the treasure would be revealed.

Which would be awesome but I don’t see any ice anything except ice ice.

“Do your weapons have any sensory tricks?” I asked Marcus and Ivan. Maybe they can power through this somehow.

“Hmm,” Ivan said and began walking around, waving his hammer. “I think I’m being blocked.”

Marcus studied his sword. “Magical sword, if you have any tricks for getting through this, you might want to tell me.” Then his eyes glazed over and Pinkie ran down at blinding speed, crashed at his feet and her eyes glazed over. Spike laughed, and I couldn’t help but giggle.

Then Pinkie sighed. “No music at all. No dancing.”

“The last thing I needed was a flashback to falling down that damn mine shaft,” Marcus grumbled. “Stupid flashbacks.”

Rarity gently nuzzled him and he put a hand on her back, sighing.

“Well, Dash, it’s your call,” Twilight said. “This is your quest. We can just drill down and see what we find or else we are stuck, I think.”

Normally, I would say ‘full speed ahead’ but whoever did this is counting on me rushing in headlong.

But how else are we going to find out?

“Can you get the ice core first and stuff before we risk everything going boom?” I said.

“Drilling the core will crack the lead layer,” Twilight said. “And we need to break through it to get Apple Bloom her old enough, dark enough ice.”

My gut says to break it.

But there’s a little Marcus in my head telling me to be careful; I glance at him and he’s talking softly to Rarity.

“Hold on,” I said and settled onto the ice, then concentrated; there should… I hope… be a way to sense the staff, since it’s connected to her loyalty; that would tell me we’re in the right place.

I began sweating inside my clothing; I could feel the ice try to stop me, feel it push back. It must be the lead.

I have to know if this is the right place. Or if I am wasting my time.

Our time.

Fluttershy put a hoof on my shoulder and prayed, supporting me. Thanks, Fluttershy. We’ve been friends ever since I stood up for her in Cloudsdale. Mostly just to show off. I knew her but I wasn’t impressed. But those idiots pissed me off with how mean they were.

It kind of surprised me. I guess I can be kind of mean sometimes, though I think of it as being honest. I don’t say anything that isn’t true, unless it’s a prank and those are all in fun.

Dad would come up with some brilliant idea to solve this. Mom would just somehow convince the ice to put on a dress and go to a dance and be a debutante, so Dad could get the staff. Then she’d make the staff a line of special boots or something.

Marcus would make a hat for the ice. Or steal its hat, maybe. Or talk it into something.

Focus. I tried to think of Barrel Roll. Of Dr. Iricia. The others who fought and died with them, who only I and Twilight really remember now.

But others will know. They will know. I will not let them be forgotten.

I could feel the lead; it was a wall, blocking my movement.

I don’t like walls.

It dug in its heels and I dug in mine and pushed, wishing my mind was stronger; Fluttershy’s gentle strength sustained me. I could break the barrier.

I *would* break it. I’m good at breaking things. I tried to feel it out like I would a storm; water droplets form around particles; these water droplets formed around lead then froze together.

I could work this; the pure water had nothing for me to easily handle to work it into shape. Not like making rain; but the lead, it was just what I needed and straining myself, I made it obey me.

Slowly the bits of ice began to move, bunching together to one side, making a small hole, slowed by the weight of the ice. I couldn’t do this without my element and even with it, I was straining myself. But this would be an awesome thing to brag about, how I made a tiny storm buried under ice.

Oh yeah, everyone will remember that!

I was sweating bullets and drained but it moved enough for me to poke through and I could feel it; everything was down deep. Deeper than the water; somehow dirt had covered the dead but their items were there. Things I could put in the memorial so each of them would be known.

Fluttershy now said, “There are hundreds, maybe thousands of various kinds of magically warped fish. They live on some kind of weird energy in the water but I’m not sure what it is.”

Twilight joined us, riding my power, extending her magic through it and peeking. Her eyes widened. “The water is thick with Utherite in particulate form.”

“Magic stuff?” I said.

“Utherite is more or less solid magic,” Twilight said. “The Blackmoorians powered their magical reactors with it and when they went up, it devastated the world in a rain of colorless fire. But buried under the ice, it can’t get loose and cause trouble. Someone deliberately buried this valley more to trap it.”

“But I need to get down to them so I can be sure they were put to rest properly and so their items can go in the memorial so people will remember them,” I said.

“I bet the ice worms burrow down to the water layer and eat the fish,” Pinkie said thoughtfully. “Maybe Fluttershy could turn into one and burrow down?”

“We can drill but it will be tricky doing it without causing the Utherite to get triggered and unleash a tide of wild magic,” Twilight said, frowning.

“If we just bash with heavy objects, it won’t send out a lot of magic, right?” Ivan said.

“I kin bash pretty good,” Applejack said.

Is it just me or is her accent thicker than usual lately? Twilight frowned. “And who put the Crusader flag?”

An idea hit me. “Hey, I need a bunch of busted ice; don’t need to go deep.”

Pinkie, Applejack, and Ivan ran wild, bashing up ice.

“Fluttershy, on my mark, follow my lead,” I told her.

She nodded and then I whipped the ice into the air in a spiral by flying around with Fluttershy trailing after, then whipped it outwards in an expanding wave.

Which left a large pony-sized hole in the wave when it HIT AN INVISIBLE PONY.

Who I now charged and knocked down. “GOT YOU!” I crowed.

“Why Dash, you’re so forward, but what will Soarin’ think?” Cunning Thought asked me coyly as I laid tangled with her.

I got FAR away as she rose, shaking the ice off; she was a bit of a mess now, mane bedraggled and little flecks of ice all over her.

She hadn’t worn cold weather clothing either.

“I am loyal to my coltfriend!” I said urgently.

“The Crusaders are safe; you may thank me now for talking them out of stowing away on your ship; the flag was just my little joke,” Cunning Thought said, striding up to everyone. “And you would be well advised to leave this alone. If the Utherite escapes it would be a disaster.”

She has to be tricking us, but how? We know that’s true, so where is the lie?

Dammit, Marcus, do your word magic!

“They had better be safe,” Marcus said angrily. “An Immortal toying with children? For shame, not that you have any.”

“Someone is jealous Sweetie looks up to someone other than him,” Cunning Thought said sadly, chidingly, to him. “Rarity, I hate to ask, but I am a dreadful mess from trying to adventurerproof this area and I could really use some help.”

“Of course, darling,” Rarity said, her gear coming out of her saddlebags. “This cold is not ideal for this but I will do what I can.”

Marcus stared and so did I. Rarity, what are you *doing*?

“Marcus, darling, assist me,” Rarity said firmly to him. He stared, then grumblingly began helping to brush out Cunning Thought’s mane and tail as Cunning Thought made happy noises.

Then she looked at me and I understood; she’s buying me time to do something.

But what? What can I do?

Gut says bash the ice open, deal with the Utherite stuff, then get everything we need and go home before we freeze to death or die of old age.

Brain says she clearly expects me to do that and why has she been screwing with me all this time?

Inner Mom says I’m a mess and need a bath. Sorry, Inner Mom, you’re useless to me right now.

As usual.

Ugh, I am sweaty and tired from my funky manipulation of the lead and the ice. I bet Prof Tailfeathers would be proud of me now.

“Did you open a portal to the elemental plane of ice or something?” I asked Cunning Thought.

“There is no elemental plane of ice,” Cunning Thought said. “It was the Elemental Plane of Water.” I could hear the capital letters. “It’s safer this way, anyway.”

Rarity was now trying to wash Cunning Thought’s mane, not an easy task in this weather. Marcus had to keep creating tiny amounts of flame so the shampoo wouldn’t freeze. It was going to take them forever.

I glanced at Twilight; she was frantically consulting two books at once, one of them sitting inside the other, like two pieces of bread with one on top of the other. But unless she has X-ray vision, she couldn’t read the bottom one so why do it like that?

Hmm, if I just boom the ice and tunnel down, then I could whip up a storm, suck up all the water and the utherite and form it all into more snow and ice flakes and that would ensure it wouldn’t go anywhere. Then Twilight could just do something or another to dispel it or we could haul it all up to the anti-magic zone which would kill it.

Assuming I could keep it under control; I’ve never had to handle water laden with flakes of unstable solid magic. I’m a good weatherpony but weather is easy to handle in Equestria. Whereas here, it doesn’t want to cooperate. I mean, I have handled storms coming in from the Everfree but I always had a team and this is just me and Fluttershy and she’s not good at this.

If I had my team, like we did when we got chosen to replenish Cloudsdale…

But I don’t. I have this team and I love my friends but they’re not weatherponies.

If I do this, it’s just me and that’s all.

I eyed Cunning Thought; she had her eyes shut and was babbling on some story about the time Luna got lost as a child and ran away from bunnies, thinking them a dangerous menace. Everyone was laughing, except for Fluttershy, who now said, “Bunnies are very nice!”

“Yes, but she didn’t know,” Cunning Thought said. “Listen carefully, Ivan, you won’t find anyone else to tell you embarrassing stories about your girlfriend’s past.”

Ivan grunted and Cunning Thought laughed softly. “You’re so cute when you hate me.”

Rarity and Marcus were still slowly working the mane over. They’d need to do her coat too. I had time but not a lot of it.

Actually, we should drill down, then let me suck it out; too much risk a rainboom would ignite all the Utherite. And I bet Cunning Thought was counting on that.

Then I’ll have to suck the water up and reprocess it into snow and do it without setting it off.

Something I expect no Pegasus has *ever* done before.

I imagined us all blowing to bits and I shivered. I couldn’t even keep from destroying my prom dress after Mom spent a week on it, can I really do this?

I think I dithered for quite a while as the next time I checked, Rarity and Marcus were busy trying to clean Cunning Thought’s coat and were half done.

Ivan looked close to just accidentally drilling down to the water with the vibrations from his feet as he kept tapping his foot impatiently while he glared at Cunning Thought.

Twilight now had ten books in five pairs and was frantically making notes and drawing charts while Spike assisted her. Pinkie was roaming around, looking for something, while Applejack paced around in a circle and kept glancing up at me. And Fluttershy lurked next to me, waiting.

“I believe in you, Dashie,” Fluttershy whispered to me, a hoof on my shoulder.

I shuddered and then relaxed. I can do it. I am the greatest weatherpony in Equestria. The best racer. The Element of Loyalty. I have to do it because otherwise, the fallen will remain trapped under all this forever and no one will remember them.

“Alright,” I said. “I have a plan.”

*******************

I expect without Cunning Thought present, we would probably have had a big fight over my plan. But we had to show a united front and, well, this is my quest.

If I blow it, we all die.

I am not going to blow it!

The drilling was, in some ways, harder than what I was going to do because we had to do it without magic. Or else we might detonate the Utherite.

We had to take apart two of the inner walls of the Zeppelin to get the raw materials to build a giant screw drill which Pinkie and Applejack would then use to drill through the ice. Cunning Thought had called us insane and retreated to the nearby heights to watch. I suspect she knows she’s lost but wants to watch in case we’re entertaining.

I licked my lips nervously, watching them drill. Down, down, down. We’d designed it so that it would extract the ice core that Dawn Gleaming wanted while also making a big enough hole for me to work my magic. Twilight lifted the core out and moved it up to the zeppelin before we broke the lead layer. Now we enter the danger zone.

I suddenly wondered how Twilight is going to keep the core frozen. Well, I’d worry about that later. We can take another one if we have to once it’s safe.

Once it’s safe.

I heard crunching noises and then we pulled the drill out. We had a hole, and I hoped it would be big enough. “Fluttershy, ready?” I asked her.

“I don’t know if I can be much use to you, Dashie,” she said, embarrassed.

“You’re a Druid of the Golden Circle,” I told her. “There’s nothing nature-y you can’t do if you set your mind to it.”

She looked uncertain anyway but that’s Fluttershy.

“And if you fail, Angel Bunny will cry,” I told her. A cheap shot but she needs the motivation.

Her eyes widened and now she looked determined to do better. “I won’t let him cry!” she said firmly, though for her a shout is like me talking normally.

I got Tank down with his flying rig on; it isn’t a lot but I need all the help I can get. Fluttershy cast a spell on him to make him gigantic. Man, I didn’t even think of that!

I hugged his head, which now was as big as my torso. “Yeah! Let’s go!”

And then we began spinning around the hole, forcing the air to spin and creating suction which began drawing out the water; it looked like water with a huge amount of pepper shaken into it and as it came up, the winds got faster. And faster. Some of the black flecks began vanishing and the weather magic got easier and easier and TOO EASY.

“Everyone clear out!” I shouted and Twilight teleported everyone to a safe distance, then flopped over.

I hope it’s a safe distance.

The ice was blowing apart and now there was chunks of leaded ice colliding with Utherite and a half-frozen hurricane and it was feeding on itself and if I couldn’t control it, it would just go rampaging across the landscape, spewing Utherite everywhere.

Fluttershy and Tank couldn’t handle it so I had to fly to them and get them rightside up again, so we could move in formation and I could protect them with my wake. My element shone brightly and we circled the storm, containing it, but it was exhausting and I was already tired from before.

I shouldn’t have drawn them into this but I didn’t want to do it alone.

And now the storm was getting bigger. It was too much. I couldn’t do it by myself and Fluttershy and Tank couldn’t do much to help me like this, hard as they tried.

But they tried.

Fluttershy was crying but she was flapping as fast as she could and Tank was just ambling along confidently like he always does. He never gives up and that’s an inspiration to me.

I have to change the game or I’m going to lose. We’ll go down demonstrating the value of friendship but not its SUCCESS. I’ve bitten off more than I chew.

Dammit! I can’t fail. Because if I do, this storm is going to hurt all my friends and probably turn us all into toys.

I could see a pink doll of Celestia, tumbling in the wind now. I stared, eyes wide and it said, “I’m a pretty princess!”

Several more dolls of my friends appeared and I realized that this thing…. There’s so much magic that even stray thoughts can trigger a chain reaction.

It’ll probably turn all my friends into toys! And then we’ll be buried in snow and never played with.

Which is even worse than turning into a toy.

I guess the Fluttershy toy would come with a bunny to hug and… I shouldn’t think or it’s going to happen.

Fluttershy, just for a moment, looked like a toy to me, but then she was Fluttershy again and it was probably my imagination but I was starting to panic.

And then it hit me. “Fluttershy, you have magical seeds, right?”

“Yes,” she said. “But they can’t keep this water under control.”

“And trees drink lots of water, right?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said.

“I need you to get out of the storm, ring it with trees and have them suck up the water. The roots can dig down to the water, right?” Hah! Now Fluttershy can use what she’s good at! I am a *genius*.

Her eyes lit up. “I’m on it!”

She dove out of the storm, which now got even harder to control but soon she and Applejack and Pinkie and Twilight were busy raising huge trees which sucked up the water and produced… polished black apples? Apples full of Utherite? Man, I bet that’s a hell of a bite.

Rarity and Marcus were still keeping Cunning Thought subdued via makeover; I prayed she wouldn’t stick her hoof in and mess this up.

As the trees grew, the storm got weaker and I began freezing it into snowflakes, with a black fleck at the center and lacy white ice around them and letting them settle down gently into a huge pile of black and white snow.

It was easy now and my Element shone like the sun. Who’s a toy now?

Man, I bet I could turn Cunning Thought into a toy with all this.

But maybe she wants that for some crazy Immortal reason.

She is part of the Sphere of Entropy, I think. Who are crazy evil chaotic maniacs.

How she gave birth to Celestia, I don’t know.

“I love having my hair brushed!” talking pink Celestia said, blowing past me.

A Ditzy toy went by as well. For a moment, I thought it was a miniaturized Ditzy, which honestly, would not be surprising at all.

She came to a weather control emergency like that and wouldn’t explain why, one time.

In fact, she tried to claim we’d all been enlarged.

Now I’m wondering why she was on her way to Khoronous.

I shook my head. Focus. No…oh hohh

I thought really hard ‘PRINCESS CELESTIA TOY YOU NEED TO GO SAY HELLO TO YOUR MOTHER.’

“I love my mother!” she announced and flew around the storm and out of it; the other toys trailed after her and now Cunning Thought looked up and stared as they closed in on her.

“Hey, my hair isn’t like that at all!” I heard Pinkie protest. “It’s like I have a pony-tail on my forehead!”

Some of them are kind of weird looking. But I now focused on snow snow snow snow snow snow snow. Snow.

Tank and I went round and round and round and I was proud of him for keeping up with me. I couldn’t give up if he didn’t, so I pushed myself to my very limits and beyond.

By the time I finished, I was utterly exhausted and Cunning Thought kept shouting, “SHUT UP,” at the talking Celestia doll as it kept trying to hug her and prattle at her; but she was trapped as Rarity and Marcus were now fitting a dress on her.

Fluttershy had to catch me… okay, I kind of fell on her, really. I was utterly exhausted but I had a huge pile of salt-and-pepper colored snow, the Utherite was now contained in it or turned into talking dolls, and Tank now settled down next to me and tried to cuddle, which nearly squashed me, until Fluttershy turned him back to normal.

I think it’s naptime.

*******************

“I do not want to brush your hair!” Cunning Thought was still snapping at the doll when I finally woke up to find they’d dug a big hole down to the ground level with all the water now out of the way and Full Moon was here. For some reason, but I guess I slept through his arrival. Hopefully, he’ll keep Cunning Thought from causing me any more trouble.

Rarity was still trying to get Cunning Thought’s outfit to work, though, I noticed.

“My mother is the best!,” Pink Celestia doll announced and Cunning Thought sighed and worked on brushing her hair.

“That was an insane gamble,” Cunning Thought said to me.

“I go big or not at all,” I told her. I had to be me. “But having my friends backing me up made it work.”

“They should have saved themselves; Celestia would have been in trouble if all her Elements of Harmony died,” Cunning Thought said, chidingly.

“We would never abandon Rainbow Dash,” Applejack said firmly. She was busy studying the weird Utherite Apple Trees, which stood on the ice, roots sinking deep for water.

I hope they can get enough water with us sucking the lake out.

“That could have killed you,” Cunning Thought pointed out.

“Math is hard!” Pink Celestia now announced.

“It’s not hard! She’d never say that,” Twilight said, frowning. “You take that back!”

“Math is hard!”

I laughed as I watched Twilight yell at a toy.

Spike was busy cataloging the various items; he had a chart of where they had found them; man, how long did I sleep?

The sun was setting, so a long time. Dang.

“I went back and buried them all, before they were buried in snow,” Full Moon told me. “Their souls went on to rest before reincarnation, though Dr. Iricia still serves me as a Titan. And Barrel Roll, though likely she will go to serve Celestia whenever Celestia retires from this plane.”

“A what?” I asked. I ought to know this stuff.

Ivan, who now startled me by appearing from behind Full Moon somehow, said, “The Titans are semi-Immortals; they don’t have full Immortal powers but they live forever in service of the Immortals. Usually it’s a reward for people who didn’t succeed in their quest but didn’t fail completely either. Or for really valiant service. They have no worshippers and can’t grant spells, but have powers of their own.”

Ivan is really weird when he knows things.

I don’t know if that’s good or if you’d spend forever remembering you just weren’t *quite* good enough for the real thing.

“My mane is so beautiful!” Pink Celestia toy announced. Then she began flying. “Let’s fly to the castle!”

“I can’t fly while I am being fitted,” Cunning Thought said irritably.

“Sorry, darling but making clothing from scratch takes time,” Rarity said. “You will look smashing in this green but I can’t figure out if I should slash it with gold or not. What do you think, Marcus?”

“Her coat is solid but her mane has the color changing flame effect, so maybe give it a slashed hood and a solid body?” Marcus said hesitantly as if he wasn’t making a dress for an evil goddess.

“I would rather have a hat than a hood,” Cunning Thought said.

“A magnificent hat, then,” Rarity said grandly; I think Marcus looked jealous.

“Flying is so much fun!” Pink Celestia announced, flying around Cunning Thought’s head.

“Don’t taunt me!” Cunning Thought said irritably.

Best prank ever, I decided.

“I love to make new friends,” Pink Celestia announced, hovering over Cunning Thought’s head.

“Of course you do,” she said, frustrated.

“Any chance I could meet her?” I said hesitantly.

“I will arrange it,” Full Moon said.

“Cool.” Man, if I could get her to come to my grand opening of the memorial, that would rock.

“I guess you ensured the Element would move on,” I said, touching it.

“It found another bearer before I was able to come back,” he said.

“Hmm, I think this is the best felt I have,” Rarity said thoughtfully and began making a hat as Marcus stared and Cunning Thought stood trapped in half-made clothing.

“And we don’t know who made it,” I continued.

“I am far, far younger than the Great Interruption,” Full Moon said. “Only a handful of Immortals know of the world before it and they’re not telling. Neither your kind nor humans existed then.” He had a faraway look. “The world changed in fundamental ways. I once travelled to the distant corners of the multiverse in search of knowledge, penetrated the great whirlpool of stars and down Sinbad’s Funnel; only he had ever gone so far before, because I had heard there was an oracle there, who could answer any question.”

Twilight’s ears perked up and she stopped trying to lecture Pink Celestia about the glories of math. “You made it down Sinbad’s Funnel? Does it really lead to another Dimension?” she asked eagerly.

“He wasn’t the only one,” Cunning Thought said, looking smug.

Twilight glanced over at her and Pink Celestia now asked, “Are you a Princess too?”

Ditzy Doll now bounced off Tank, stumbling upwards, shouting about how she loved muffins. Tank rolled over and I flipped him back onto his legs.

“Of course I am,” Cunning Thought snapped at Pink Celestia.

“I make the sun rise in the morning!,” Pink Celestia announced, then circled Cunning Thought’s head as Rarity fitted the hat on her, forcing Rarity to dodge.

“This land is an echo of the beginning,” Full Moon said softly. “I did not exist in the beginning but now I do, and so does it here, an echo of higher things.”

Okay, I think we’re about to ride the Weird Metaphysical Stuff train.

But this must be important, so I tried not to just hallucinate music the whole time.

“Tell me you’re not about to say this whole land was a toy,” Applejack said, frowning.

“Celestia is my daughter,” Cunning Thought suddenly snapped angrily at Full Moon. “Stop taunting me with this damn thing! I can smell your power all over it.”

Wait, I thought I made it. By accident, but it was me.

“Rainbow Dash made it, by accident; having that much unstable Utherite around, she could have made almost anything with enough willpower and control,” Full Moon said. “It’s safe now as long as no one breaks the snow too much. An interesting control mechanism. I expect Celestia can put this to good use if you can keep it frozen.”

“Oh, I have a preservation spell,” Twilight said as if she hauled around huge piles of magical snowflakes all the time. I studied how she said it with that kind of ‘casual cool about being awesome’. I admire that.

“Liar,” Cunning Thought said tautly. Pink Celestia now attempted to cuddle her but her limbs can’t actually move except for flapping her wings.

“Let’s fly to the castle!” Pink Celestia announced.

Rarity was now knee-deep in sewing with Marcus holding threads and needles for her with magic.

“Mini-me, cooperate with your makeover,” Pinkie said, trying to style the Pinkie doll to look like her but it wasn’t working. Sorry, Pinkie, I didn’t mean to create them that way.

“If you are in a trap, Cunning Thought, it is one of your own making; not everyone can be Korotiku,” Full Moon said firmly to Cunning Thought.

Be who? “So what exactly did you find out down this funnel cake thing?” I asked.

Applejack started laughing for some reason.

“Just a little longer,” Rarity said apologetically to Cunning Thought.

“A toy is a tool for building the imagination,” Full Moon said. “There is great power in toys.”

He found toys down the space funnel thing?

“Would you like to comb my mane?” Pink Celestia asked Cunning Thought.

“I already did,” she grumbled.

“Okay, and done!” Rarity said, stepping back. I’m not sure how practical a fancy dress is for the polar ice cap but it was a pretty dress and Mom would have loved it. Especially the flame motifs.

Okay, I love the flame motif and she would have loved the layering on the hat to make it look like it was made of fire.

“I am the prettiest princess,” Cunning Thought said cheerfully, posing, though I’m sure she’s just mocking us or the doll or both. “Are you going to announce that therefore, everyone’s dreams can be real? We both know better than that,” she said sourly.

Here comes the metaphysical choo-choo.

“Pinkamena made her dreams real,” Pinkie said softly, sounding proud.

“You can do amazing things with Shadow Magic,” Twilight said excitedly. “I’ve been studying the books Keraptis gave me.” She chanted and now another Twilight appeared, though her cutie mark was a potato.

Applejack began laughing and Twilight looked frustrated. “But they never come out quite how I imagine them.”

“Potatoes were planted by ponies during the time of the Orcs as food because the Orcs were too lazy to dig them up if they got mad at the ponies,” Potato-Twilight said proudly. “There are over a thousand breeds of potato! Most unicorns don’t bother with farming but I have honed my talents to ensure no pony will ever go hungry.” Then she looked a little sad as if remembering something.

“Something you will learn by the time you are my age is that nothing ever comes out the way you imagine it,” Cunning Thought said kindly to Twilight and I wondered how she could snap between emotions so quickly. “Dreams never work out the way you hope they will, or plans.”

“Potatoes are very shy,” Fluttershy said to Potato-Twilight. “It’s hard to get them to open up.”

“Well, they like to talk about soil,” Potato-Twilight said amiably and they now launched into a complicated discussion of soil.

Twilight frowned. “That usually means you didn’t plan enough.”

“Dream on, my dear daughter,” Cunning Thought said kindly. “It’s good for the young to dream while they still can.”

“I still don’t know what you found down the funnel thing,” I said to Full Moon. I had a feeling we would never find out if I didn’t keep hammering on this.

Potato-Twilight and Fluttershy were excitedly discussing zinc. I don’t even know what zinc is.

Pink Celestia doll now announced, “I am the Queen of Hard Liquor! Do you like Hard Liquor?”

Cunning Thought stared at the doll.

Applejack and Ivan and I laughed loudly.

“The Oracle’s wisdom does not come cheaply but I learned what I came for,” Full Moon said. Light began to swirl in front of him and then it collapsed into a weapon. “With it, I forged my dagger.” The dagger had a blade of shimmering crystal inside which you could see a rainbow. The hilt was platinum and made to resemble two snakes, one with diamond-shaped scales, the other with lozenge-shaped overlapping scales. The first had a book on its forehead, the other a pair of lockpicks. “And with this, I destroyed the Spear of Destruction, which had begun the Godswar through its use to slay Kathan the Balancer. And with its destruction, I joined the ranks of the Immortals and prevented the Ahfridi from destroying Blackmoor in its infancy.”

Cunning Thought backed up slightly, but Pink Celestia flew over to the dagger. “Hi, I’m a pretty princess!”

“Oh dear,” Potato-Twilight said. “My time is up.” Then she evaporated and Fluttershy looked horrified.

“Sorry, the spells don’t last a long time, yet,” Twilight said, frowning. Twilight then had Spike make a sketch of the dagger for her.

“So you were still mortal, then,” I said softly.

“Didn’t the Ahfridi follow Zugzul?” Twilight asked.

“Zugzul is still a bedwetting idiot whose followers make useful patsies for the intelligent,” Cunning Thought said dismissively. “I expect a young foal could outthink Zugzul. Sweetie certainly could.”

Damn, that must be one stupid Immortal. “How did anyone that dumb become an Immortal?”

“He isn’t that stupid, he just rushes headlong into things without thinking about it or planning how to recover from disaster,” Full Moon said.

OWW. Hey, I *did* think this through!

“And he’s one of the few survivors of the Godswar,” Full Moon continued. “He knew the power of that spear, just not that Thanatos had wanted him to have it.”

Twilight looked over at Cunning Thought, who said, chidingly, “Celestia dear, you shouldn’t play with artifact daggers.”

Pink Celestia flew back to her and I wondered if she was just being silly or somehow can’t tell this is just a toy or… I really don’t understand her. “Would you like to comb my mane?”

Cunning Thought facehoofed. She must be trying to make us laugh for some reason. Then she sighed.

“So you can learn anything there?” I asked.

“That’s what it claims. Not everyone likes the answers,” Full Moon said, then sighed. “Anyway, the sun is setting, so I must go, and you will all likely want off the ice before it gets even colder than it is now.”

“Yes,” Ivan said, then came over to Full Moon. “I… umm…”

“Scootaloo is a perfectly acceptable apprentice if she wouldn’t rather be training with someone else,” Full Moon said.

Applejack kicked me in the ass for no reason at all and I nearly fell down. We started tussleing which actually felt pretty good as I needed some stress release.

But I got tired really quickly.

“Some people are kind of blind,” Ivan said to Full Moon. “They don’t notice the obvious.”

Yeah, I can’t stand people who can’t see what’s in front of their face. At the moment, that was Applejack, who I needed to whip before moving on to anything else.

“Dash, darling, you are going to be a mess if you don’t stop,” Rarity said.

As if I haven’t seen her throwing people around when she feels the need.

“Anyway, it won’t hurt to train her; I expect she has a big future ahead of her. They have chosen the high road, dangerous as it is,” Full Moon said. He spread his wings, stretching, then lowered them. “As have you. I am off to Corunglain. For now, train your apprentice and assist Celestia and Luna.”

“I will,” Ivan said very seriously.

“And continue your studies,” Full Moon said. “Luna will teach you well.”

“My daughter is very intelligent,” Cunning Thought said proudly.

“I understand your Hierarch is rather displeased with you over what happened,” Full Moon said oddly calmly. That kind of fake calm, you know the kind.

I was mainly focused on beating Applejack’s ass, while Fluttershy stared at us horrified.

We’re just playing, Fluttershy. It’s just for fun.

“They’re just having fun like Ivan and I,” Marcus said reassuringly to her.

“I’m rather displeased with her for changing her mind so quickly,” Cunning Thought said. “But it is quite clear that I was busy dealing with an intrusion from the Mythic Plane when it happened, as per orders from the Council of Intrusion. Nor was I the one who decided she ought to get herself bound for a *thousand years* by said Council for her little tantrum back at the start of this current age.” Cunning Thought sounded quite angry over that. “But then, we never get treated fairly by the councils.” She now sounded very bitter.

“I seem to note Thanatos voted for said punishment,” Full Moon said.

Twilight gasped for some reason; maybe if I knew who Thanatos was beyond ‘death immortal guy’, I would care but at the moment, I was focused on taking out Applejack.

“I love my sister Luna!” Pink Celestia said excitedly. Cunning Thought grimaced more.

Marcus blinked. “He did?”

“I believe he said something about how we’d be making people’s pet dogs into Immortals next, too,” Full Moon said calmly.

That made us all frown, and for a moment, I thought Cunning Thought was just going to leap on Full Moon and try to tear his throat out with her teeth. “Do not bait me,” she said harshly. “Not *you* of all people.”

I let go of Applejack, frowning. Something’s going on here and I don’t quite get it.

“Was that really necessary?” Ivan said, shuffling nervously.

Pinkie now ran over at high speed and interposed herself. “The day is late!” she sung. “We should all rest, so tomorrow, we can do our best, and not be… umm… in crates!” She wobbled a bit at the end.

Applejack reached for me, saw me frowning, and got up, then looked at me questioningly.

“Okay, what’s going on here? I won’t be happy if you two brawl and break all the stuff we came for,” I said, trying to be firm.

“There will be no brawl,” Cunning Thought said, regaining her calm. “I would hate to destroy Rarity and Marcus’ hard work. Or yours, Dash. But are you sure people want to know about this?”

I frowned. “Why wouldn’t they want to know?”

“People often don’t like a truth which is less glorious than the lies they are used to,” she said kindly. “Shattering illusions by telling the hard truth is not a way to get yourself loved and admired, as I know you wish to be.”

Marcus mumbled to himself and Rarity gently patted his side with a hoof. He put his hand on her back.

“They died for us,” I said flatly.

“Honesty is the best policy,” Applejack said. “I back Dash totally on this.”

“Now,” Cunning Thought said. “You were rather eager to forget it all, weren’t you?”

Applejack rocked uncomfortably on her hooves; her hat fell off and she caught it with her tail. “Yeah, but I changed my mind and saw sense. You ever gunna do that?”

“I am the very soul of sweet reason,” Cunning Thought said cheerfully to AJ as if she hadn’t been close to choking Full Moon a minute ago. What is with her?

“Lies have their uses,” Full Moon said. “But the truth and honest dealing is better. I endorse your plan, Rainbow Dash.” He now made the floating crystal dagger vanish. “Sooner or later, the truth always outs, anyway.”

“Not always,” Cunning Thought said. “Or so long that it doesn’t matter any more.”

“So why did you try to stop me?” I asked. “You sent your wolf twice and put a child in danger and… but now you’re not even trying to stop me.” I had the feeling I missed something.

“Now, now, that would be telling,” Cunning Thought said a little chidingly. It reminded me way too much of my Mom. “But as for why I am not trying to stop you now, I must embarrassedly confess you were just too good for me to stop. No point in embarrassing myself with another defeat.”

AJ snorted as I posed excitedly, feeling cool.

“Yeah, pull the other one. Why, really?” Spike said suspiciously.

“Her powers are limited in this form,” Ivan said. “We could beat her up, I expect. But it wouldn’t really kill her, as this is just a mortal avatar or she wouldn’t be allowed on this plane.” He touched his amulet for some reason.

“She probably just wanted to make it look like she was trying to stop us for some reason,” Marcus said.

“You do realize I can hear you,” Cunning Thought said, amused. “It was my duty to challenge you, Dash. You did better than I would have thought. You can believe that or not.”

Ivan snorted.

“Just remember, you will be my son-in-law one day,” she said cheerfully to Ivan, who now looked like he was choking on something.

“You know I’m awesome,” I said to Ivan, frowning.

“I know,” he said. “But she is an Immortal.”

“You can call me Mom if you like,” she said to Ivan, who grimaced, which amused her more.

“That’s enough fun for one night, I think,” Full Moon said to Cunning Thought.

Cunning Thought sighed, then tucked Pink Celestia into her saddlebags. “Anyway, we had best go and let them get up to where it’s warm and start their long trip home. I just hope you know what you’re doing, Rainbow Dash.”

“I always know what I’m doing,” I said confidently. This is going to be awesome even if I’m now basically sharing a room with AJ and Fluttershy. But that should be fine.

*********************

Waking up in the night with something crushing you is not fun at all. I flailed and shouted, trying to get loose, then I heard Fluttershy shouting, “I’m over here, Slither!”

Slither let go and snaked off into the darkness as I tried to relearn how to breathe.

“I’m sorry, Dashie, he likes to hug me when I’m sleeping!” Fluttershy said.

‘Hug’.

“South field needs fertilizer,” AJ mumbled *again*. She has been farming in her sleep for *hours*. She crashed like a rock and I don’t know if I’ve slept *at all*.

I want my walls back.

******************

“Look, I’ll be blunt,” AJ told me the next day after Fluttershy had gone to bathe. “Scootaloo is pretty disappointed that you won’t mentor her. I think she and Ivan get on okay but she is kinda jealous that all her friends have an adult or three they admire tutoring them and she doesn’t even get a pony mentor.”

“Her mom bit me one time,” I mumbled. “She doesn’t like me.”

AJ blinked. “Seriously?”

“Plus, if I train her, every pegasus kid in town is gonna want me to,” I told her.

“You ain’t gotta say yes, but I think she’d do good to have a Pegasus. Ivan’s a good guy but he can’t fly or nothin’. And ain’t you gonna be a teacher this year anyway?”

A good point. I just…

Well, I am going to teach anyway at the school. They already have someone for coaching pegasi, so I might not end up having to give all my free time to munchkins if I train Scootaloo some.

“She needs an art tutor too,” I said.

AJ rolled her eyes. “I could say that about you.”

Yeah, I kind of suck at art. “I guess maybe I’d better get some advice on how to make my memorial look good,” I mumbled.

“Yes,” AJ said. “And give Scootaloo a chance, okay?”

“Okay,” I told her.

****************

We got back to Ponyville without any more disasters unless you count days of me not getting any sleep because of friendly snakes or Fluttershy mistaking me for Angel in her sleep or AJ’s need to constantly discuss with her pillow about how the south forty was doing.

So I set out to find Scootaloo and offer her some training.

I could hear Dinky and Scootaloo busy singing about chain gangs as they worked on weeding Carrot Top’s endless fields of carrots. Carrot Top was practicing some sort of weird drill with a hoe in her mouth; it looked like a martial arts kata to me. “Hoe-fu?” I asked her.

“Getting ready for the usual rabbit onslaught,” she said.

“Better not tell Fluttershy,” I said, laughing.

“Hey, Rainbow Dash,” Dinky said to me.

“Hey, Dash, how did the trip go?” Scootaloo asked.

“It went great. Thanks for decorating my room, Scootaloo,” I said to her. Actually, no thanks at all, but Rarity spent eight hours lecturing me on manners and when to be more subtle during the return trip.

Eight hours I will never get back.

I tried to sleep through them but Marcus kept poking me.

“Anyway, I need a partner to practice some maneuvers with, so I thought of you,” I told Scootaloo. “If you can get out of prison, anyway.”

“YEAH!” she said excitedly.

“It’s okay,” Carrot Top said. “Just bring her back to finish when you’re done.”

“Sorry, Dinky,” Scootaloo said, not sorry at all and I can’t blame her. Nothing against Dinky but who wants to pull weeds when they could be *flying*?

Now I just have to figure out how to approach her Mom without getting bitten again. Man, she is cranky.

****************

Something I hadn’t really thought about was how I was going to actually build a monument; Celestia had kindly set aside some land in the Canterlot graveyard for us to move their remains to, though not much was left but a few bones, and some pieces of jewelry and a few magical things which had been frozen down there for so long.

I feel like I ought to make the monument but I can’t really make anything unless it’s made out of clouds and those won’t endure. I had been so focused on getting here, I just didn’t think about what came after.

“I can build you a monument,” Apple Bloom told me. “You can help me make it.”

I guess that means wood but that’ll do for a start; I don’t have enough money for stone anyway. Not yet.

This took days of work, but the good part was I could go see Soarin’ in the evenings when Apple Bloom was too wiped out to go on. She really works like a maniac when she wants to work.

“Celestia could just have her people build you a fancy stone monument,” Soarin’ told me as we dinned at the Fifth Horseshoe, a really nice restaurant which allegedly has Time Pony cuisine. It is run by Time Ponies, who all have that same hourglass Cutie Mark, which seems weird to me.

Time Pony cuisine seems to revolve around what looks like gravel but tastes like broccoli, which is fine as I like broccoli. And cheese sauces and mushrooms and peas.

A couple came up to us and got Soarin’s autograph. This is the *sixth* time tonight. If we go out in public, he gets swarmed.

But no one seems to know who I am, even though I am a heroine of Equestria!

“I want to do it myself,” I told him. “I guess I’ll pay for stone later, when I save up more money.” Bad enough Celestia had to pay for the land it’s going on. Land is *stupidly* expensive.

“Hi,” Twilight said, startling me. She was here with West Wind. “Mind if we join you?”

“We’re half done but sure,” Soarin’ said, then worked on scarfing down more food.

“Hello,” West Wind said solemnly. He shook hooves with Soarin’; we’d already met. “Nice to meet you. What’s your name? I’m West Wind; I work as a courier for Franich House.”

Soarin’ blinked and then he had a wide grin. “I’m Soarin’, one of the Wonderbolts.”

“They’re… a racing team, right?” West Wind said hesitantly.

Twilight blinked and I stared. He’s never heard of the Wonderbolts?

“And special agents for Celestia,” Soarin’ said.

“Dash hopes to be one of them one day,” Twilight said to her coltfriend.

They both had menus which they began studying.

Soarin’ and I glanced at each other; he knows enough. I don’t know. I may be a Wonderbolt but… I can’t really do that and do everything else I have to do. “I’m going to be teaching history this fall,” I told West Wind. “But right now, I’m building a historical monument.”

He was kind enough to let me ramble on about that and about the facility we’d visited earlier in the summer and the origins of ponykind; I couldn’t tell if he was interested or polite but it all just spilled out in this endless tide of words.

By the time I finished, Soarin’ was having dessert and their food had arrived. Our waitress, a yellow pony with a brown mane and the usual Time Pony cutie mark now said to me, “Well, that’s the origin of the Equestrian Ponies, but that wasn’t the only facility doing the research. Our Ancestors escaped from another one with the help of Khoronous and went back in time to before humanity and ended up helping to create them.”

My eyes crossed. “Isn’t that a paradox?”

“Wait, humans were created instead of developing from earlier human-like creatures?” Twilight asked, raising an eyebrow. “I’m pretty sure they and the Brute-Men developed from a common ancestor.”

“Time is a complicated thing,” our waitress said. “That may have originally been the case, but so many people have tried to interfere with that origin that it’s kind of a mess now.”

A tan pony wearing a hat with a red ribbon around the crown of it and a nice grey suit with a red tie now came up to her. “Don’t confuse the customers,” he said to her, then glanced at us.

“No, no, I’m really curious,” Twilight said. “Please go on,” she said excitedly.

“There are things best not lightly inquired into or talked about,” he said but I could see now Twilight was now *really* curious. You know how she is.

Telling her not to be curious will make her *more* curious.

“We shouldn’t stick our heads in,” West Wind said to her. “If he doesn’t want to talk about it.”

“Table five, High Card,” he said firmly to our waitress.

She sighed and galloped off, grumbling.

“I’m sorry, she likes to act like she knows all the secrets of the universe, but she’s usually bluffing,” the stallion boss said to us.

“I hear your pot calling you!” High Card shouted from across the room.

He just laughed, then said, “Anyway, enjoy your meal!”

Then he galloped off to another table.

“Now I wonder how much else has been tampered with by time travel,” Twilight said thoughtfully.

“I thought it was impossible,” West Wind said.

“You need an artifact of the Sphere of Time,” Twilight said. “Going to have to study my giant hourglass more.” She tapped her cheek thoughtfully.

“Well, I will be busy getting ready for my class, since this is pretty much done,” I told them. Which is going to be a bunch of work but after seeing everything… I have to find some way to convey it to my students.

Hmm, if I could time travel, I could *show* them the important stuff. So it isn’t just words on paper. “Let me know if you figure it out,” I told her.

We hung out with them, then went off for a flight, while Twilight and West Wind went trotting. The Zeppelin is cool but man, we all about went crazy in there and I have to assume Cunning Thought was messing with us.

We were busy making out on a cloud when Luna showed up; Soarin’ was embarrassed, but I’m shameless. “Hello, your highness,” I said to her.

“Sorry to interrupt,” she said. “I heard you had some trouble with Mother.”

“Yeah, she’s kind of mean.” Of course, evil immortal, you don’t expect *nice*.

Luna sighed. “She’d been leaving us alone but ever since Sweetie stumbled on her, she seems determined to stick her nose into everything. I think I finally calmed Ivan down so he won’t do anything foolish.”

We both grinned and she turned a little red and mumbled.

“The memorial is almost done,” I told her. “I just… why didn’t anyone do this before?” I asked.

“I could not have told you she existed,” Luna said. “We may seem all knowing but we are not. And neither of us are really historians.”

“Cunning Thought didn’t think this was a good idea,” I said.

“We would not have helped you go if that was the case,” Luna said. “Mother lies constantly and instinctively tries to turn people on each other. You must remember that.”

I still don’t know why Rarity decided to dress her all up and be so nice to her.

“Now, now, if I lied *all* the time, my lies would never *work*,” Cunning Thought said, still dressed up in the outfit Rarity put her in.

We all jumped. Where had she come from? She… please tell me wasn’t hidden inside the cloud we were on!

“Mother,” Luna said, sighing. “Haven’t you done enough damage for one year?”

“No,” she said cheerfully. “Dash, I just wanted to tell you that your monument looks very nice, but wood isn’t very long-lasting, you know.”

“It’s a temporary until I can afford stone,” I told her.

“If you like…”

I cut her off. “It’s fine, I want to do this myself,” I told her.

Soarin’ frowned at her but kept his mouth shut, just glaring.

“Don’t I look just lovely in this outfit?” Cunning Thought asked Luna, twirling in place.

“You look smashing, Mother,” Luna said wearily.

“Is your boyfriend here?” Cunning Thought asked.

“I don’t have a coltfriend!” Luna said frantically.

“Hmm, I can’t feel the heat of his hateful gaze. I will have to show off my outfit to Celestia. If she’s still awake,” Cunning Thought said. “If I’m lucky, I’ll catch her with her coltfriend! See you later, daughter!” And she dove down towards the city.

Luna watched her go, then sighed. “I had best make sure she doesn’t cause any trouble. I will see you at the opening, if not before.”

We waved and she dove down out of sight. Soarin’ finally said, “That woman makes me nervous. Celestia’s mother, that is.”

“She’s an ass,” I told him. But she’s… either she fakes it really well or I think she does care about her daughters. But it’s hard to tell, she’s so relentlessly cheerful, like Pinkie but without the whacky. Except when she suddenly gets mad.

“AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!” I heard Pinkie scream distantly.

I turned and saw she’d somehow used coatls… winged serpents… to tie other coatls to herself or gotten tangled up in a jumble of them or something… and was now being carried off by them. “Okay, I renounce my title as god-empress!” she wailed. “Let me down.”

Time to save Pinkie.

Where did she get all those coatls, anyway?

******************

Only later, when I was having breakfast with Soarin’ at his place, did I realize I could have asked Full Moon about who was right about Ghyr being toy-people or not.

It’s just Pinkie being silly, I’m sure. Though I guess with all the planes of existence, there might be one where we’re all toys for kids.

I imagined a plushie version of Soarin’ and laughed.

“What’s so funny?” he asked, looking up from his oatmeal and fruit.

“Just imagining you as a doll,” I told him, laughing.

“Well, there are dolls of me,” he said, embarrassed. “For kids. I can get you one if you want.”

“Sure,” I said. I can hug him at night when he’s not there.

I had a Wonderbolt doll as a kid but I think it was just a generic doll, not any particular Wonderbolt. The team’s been around for a long time. And I guess when we’re all gone and I’m immortal…

It now hit me that one day, Soarin’ will be dead and I’ll go on without him, if I become an immortal. Maybe even if I fail, I might outlive him.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, worried.

“Suddenly remembering that time goes on and everyone dies. I’ll be fine once I’m full,” I told him, then began eating.

I don’t like Time. Will I be forgotten?

Not if I become an Immortal.

Except even Immortals can die; most of the ones from the far past are long gone and only a few Immortals survived… something.

Something so horrible they won’t talk about it.

I suddenly could see Soarin’ as an old stallion and then…

No, I don’t want to think about it.

Dammit.

*******************

“It’s entirely possible you’d break up in three weeks, anyway, though I hope you won’t,” Celestia told me a little later. She was on the way to a meeting but I was walking with her.

“I just suddenly… I never thought about this before,” I said, feeling frustrated.

“To study history is to be aware how much we’ve lost,” Celestia said to me sadly. “And how change is the only eternal thing in this world. But if you lock yourself away, that will only bring you pain. You have to find the beauty in change or go crazy.” She swept a hoof grandly. “This palace is virtually completely different than when it was first built. One day, I will have to leave and it will change further, still.”

“I don’t want things to change,” I mumbled. “Not in bad ways.”

“Change will come, my little pony. You can ride the tide or it will pull you under and drown you. Don’t dwell on it; you have things to do; focus on those and the people who love you.” She patted my shoulder, then paused at a door. “I believe in you, Rainbow Dash. So you can believe in me, believing in you, if you can’t believe in yourself.” She had this oddly Pinkiesque look on her face.

“Is that a quote?” I asked.

“Something like that,” she said, laughing softly, then kissed my forehead. “Anyway, I have to go help figure out how to deal with an outbreak of violet fungi down in the West Marech,” she continued. “I will be at the opening of your memorial.”

“Thanks, Princess Celestia,” I said, turning a little red.

“You should talk to Octavia about playing at your opening,” Celestia said. “I’m sure she could compose something appropriate.”

Maybe I should ask Lyra too, though I know she’s in the throes of writing a musical but she does know stuff about humans…

“Thank you,” I said, then I bowed and went to go find Octavia.

*****************

My memorial is right next to the History of the Plateau museum, near the castle but not in it so everyone can get to it. I studied the Plateau museum a lot. It’s not a very fancy building but we had limited time even with people helping us.

Apple Bloom works like a maniac; so do the rest of the Crusaders if they *want* to help. I had ended up having to accept some money from Celestia to help pay for more workers; the building is going to be simple but it’s still too much for me and the Crusaders and my friends all have stuff that they need to catch up on. Soarin’ helps when he can, but he’s busy too; at least I can see him more with us in Canterlot.

I was pretty surprised when I heard someone yelp at the entrance. Apple Bloom said, “Hah! Intruder captured!”

“Apple Bloom, don’t trap the entrance!” I told her. This whole place would lock up all future visitors if I didn’t stop her.

I feel bad for her future coltfriends.

I flew over and to my surprise, a dun coated unicorn pony hung from the ceiling in a net trap; she had a long straight yellow mane and brown eyes. She wore four brown hoof boots, a blue shirt, black pants, and a long white coat. You couldn’t see her Cutie Mark but her companion had one.

Her companion, flying over her, was a red-coated Pegasus with a short blond mane and a cutie mark of herself executing a fancy aerial turn. She was gnawing on the trap. “This is why Pegasi are the best ponies,” she said chidingly to the unicorn.

“You are the best pony,” the unicorn said, sounding embarrassed.

My brain registered. It was Barrel Roll! And this must be Dr. Iricia Morin in pony form for some reason.

They came to see me! I was so thrilled I could hardly breathe.

“Hold on, Apple Bloom, release the net trap!” I shouted.

Apple Bloom now touched a wall stud and the trap released and I caught Dr. Iricia before she could splat.

“Sorry, Apple Bloom is a great architect but she’s training under a dungeon master,” I said apologetically.

“Uncle K understands I am a big pony now,” she said proudly.

“Please show me everything,” Dr. Iricia said warmly to me. “I am flattered you went to all this effort.”

“How could I not?” I said; how could she not see it as a big deal?

She moved fluidly once not bound; you’d only notice she wasn’t normally a pony by all the clothing she wore. I guess she’s done this enough times to be used to it.

I showed them around; keeping Barrel Roll from accidentally bumping things was a full time job. I guess she’s used to the skies and it is kind of crowded in here.

But land… How can anyone afford land when you could drink alcohol all day until you died for the cost of one little bit of land?

Kids, don’t try that at home, by the way.

Having her here was a huge help and I had a billion questions for her. Dinky was kind enough to act as secretary for me, writing things down.

I noticed Barrel Roll got really sad when we reached the pegasi zone; I had pictures as best I could, images from the spheres, of the various pegasi and she filled me in on all of them but it clearly made her a little sad to think of them.

Then it hit me. “I’m sorry, I didn’t even think about… I guess you never saw them again.”

“I gave my life for them to live,” Barrel Roll said, studying them carefully. Her head hung down some. “It’s a mother’s duty.”

Dr. Iricia nodded and I now realized…

“Did you ever get to see your children again?” I asked softly.

“No,” she said and I grimaced. “But they must have reincarnated many, many times by now. It is not easy, sometimes. I will never forget them, but even if I found them now, they are not who they were.”

“Couldn’t you get someone from the Sphere of Time to help you go see them?” Dinky asked, frowning.

“Too much risk of changing things, time travel should not be done just to make yourself feel better,” Dr. Iricia said sadly, and Dinky grimaced, but didn’t comment.

“Anyway, I look to the future,” Barrel Roll said. “I think most pegasi are like that.”

I am, but now I can’t help but notice things I never used to.

I wonder… Soarin’…

I stared at the floor. No, I can’t just… There has to be a way even if I don’t know what.

Dr. Iricia patted my shoulder. “It’s okay,” she said. “Don’t let us old people get you down.”

She didn’t actually look old; she could have easily been my age or Twilight’s.

“You and Barrel Roll should go for a good fly; I’ll help your friends work,” Dr. Iricia said to me.

“I dunno if she can keep up with me,” Barrel Roll said.

Oh, it is ON.

********************

I easily outpaced her on the first race; I am hella fast and she’s clearly not been practicing for power all these years. But she’s really maneuverable and the obstacle course race, I lost to my frustration.

Also, the stupid bell pullers pulled the bell in the clocktower and I got rung!

When my head stopped ringing, we landed on a convenient cloud. “Did your generation walk on clouds?” I asked her. She must have gotten a cutie mark later.

“We’re tied to elemental air,” she said. “So yes. Each of the five kinds of us were based on one of the elements.” She frowned. “Including Entropy. I think making Entropy ponies was a *big* mistake but the Blackmoorians thought they knew everything, controlled everything and could just do anything without consequences.” She sighed and rolled onto her back. “They just rushed into things without thinking about consequences.”

Okay, universe, I get it! Let’s move on.

“So what do you guys do for Full Moon?” I asked curiously.

“Get in trouble,” she said, grinning and I laughed. “Mostly run around the cosmos dealing with problems that mortals can’t handle but are too common to call in full blown immortals. Iricia and I tend to be the leaders because we’re older than the boss’ other titans. She’s the brain and I’m the brawn. Dr. Moon has a couple of other titans, though sometimes we work with other people’s titans.” She paused. “I’m not sure how much of it I can talk about.”

But she launched into a long story about the time she had a race with the letter H. Too long to repeat here, but we traded stories for a while before we had to go back.

*****************

They both had to go but I was glad to have seen them and I expect I’ll see them again in the future. I hope.

So we worked our butts off and got everything set up for the big day.

On Opening Day, I was nervous but hopeful. We had a moderate crowd of curious ponies as I paced in my fancy orange dress Rarity forced me to wear, even though she and Marcus and Applejack *are not here yet*.

And Fluttershy had turned herself into a human for no apparent reason. Rarity had dressed her up in this fancy six layer Blackmoor style dress. I can’t imagine how she’s not overheating in it. But she was busy going around talking to the kids whose parents had dragged them here.

Octavia, Lyra, and some friends of theirs were busy playing what Twilight claims is Blackmoorian music; it was kind of spooky but seemed to go over well. I’d hoped for more people but maybe they’re late.

Then, to my surprise, Apple Blossom entered, leading a herd of fancily dressed ponies who looked kind of like her. Her relatives… well, Applejack’s relatives but they would be her relatives if she wasn’t a clone… man, I wonder if Rainbow Crash is coming. I did send her an invitation; she has to see how cool my memorial is!

*FLASH*, Dawn Gleaming, Sammy, and Rainbow Crash landed *on me*. “HEY!” I shouted.

“Don’t run into magical flashes,” Dawn Gleaming said irritably as she got up.

“You landed *on me*,” I said urgently.

“Piffle, my aim is flawless, especially with Rainbow backing me up,” she said, then helped Sammy up.

“So you’re saying you meant to land on Dash,” Twilight said, frowning at Dawn Gleaming.

She and Dawn Gleaming glared at each other, then Crash said, “My aim is per… hey, chips!”

I had to stop her eating all the potato chips I’d bought. Fortunately, I bought a *lot*, as I expected a good crowd and, well, everyone scarfs as much free food as they can, right? It’s how parties work.

Pinkie also made some; they’ve got ‘astral spices’, which seems to mean ‘cream and onion’ flavor. But that’s good too.

“Leave some for the other guests,” I told her. “Don’t be a glutton.”

Dawn Gleaming now went with Sammy to mill around looking at everything; she kept dictating notes to him for some reason.

Where is Rarity?

She’d better not be dressing up Cunning Thought to come to my grand opening!

Apple Blossom swept up to me. “This is Rainbow Dash, Aunt Orange,” she said cheerfully. She introduced me to a ton of Orange themed ponies, who showered me with bottles of orange brandy, perfume, cookbooks, brand hats, and even a tie with oranges on it, which might look good on Soarin’. I have never been so thoroughly ad-blitzed in my life.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you all,” I said, shaking hooves until my hooves hurt. But I can be mannerly if I want to be. And this is a fancy occasion.

“Apple Blossom says you are a historian and archeologist,” Aunt Orange said to me once the blitz was over.

Oh wow, I am. Just like Daring Doo!

I felt this sudden huge surge of confidence. “Why yes, I am,” I said to her. It’s weird, I just never… Those books are so *awesome*. “Here, let me show you everything.”

I was busy giving my spiel as a horde of orange themed ponies followed me, when a huge horde of snobby looking unicorns flooded in the doors. You could probably rebuild this place in marble with what they spent on their clothing; they looked generally unimpressed, though I could now see Rarity and Marcus in stallion form, herding them. And Applejack, all dressed up like Apple Blossom. I laughed at that.

And hey, here’s all her relatives she snubbed to go back to Ponyville.

In my mind, I could see the entire memorial burning and Canterlot falling off the cliff and plunging down into the countryside. And into Lower Canterlot. We’re in Middle Canterlot, which is halfway up the cliff; there’s an Upper Canterlot on top of the plateau also.

Please, no apocalypse.

Now a group of Darokinian Pegasi, all wearing various houses’ colors, came crowding in behind the unicorns, leading to a traffic jam. I could make out Twilight’s coltfriend leading them in and felt a little embarrassed. Thanks, Twilight.

Then the junior dragons; I wouldn’t have thought the city had so many, plus various unicorns, mostly less impressive than Rarity’s group.

And the Wonderbolts. And a bunch of Pony Druids. And I just… I felt so happy. Whatever people may think of the past, they need to know.

And my friends had gone to a lot of effort to make my thing a success.

Inevitably, Applejack ended up face to face with her Manehattan kin, though I tried to keep them apart. Apple Blossom had tried to help me but it was like someone was conspiring against us and this place just isn’t all that big.

“Why, Applejack, it’s been so long,” her Aunt Orange said. “You look wonderful in that dress.”

Applejack shifted uncomfortably on her hooves. “Thanks, auntie, Rarity made it for me.”

Apple Blossom now nudged her subtly in several ways, causing Applejack to adjust how she stood. A posture thing, I guess.

“You look wonderful,” Aunt Orange said weakly. “I hope your farm is going well.”

“The apples are doing righ…,” Applejack paused, closed her eyes, then said smoothly, “We will have a fine apple crop this year. It’s close to time for the zapapples to come in, if we get any. When the weather changes, some of them will transform, as you know,” she continued, her voice sounding all cultured. “Apple Bloom helped to build this place; she got her cutie mark as a builder.” Applejack now described it and talked about the Moonraker.

“I haven’t seen her in so long. Is she here?” Aunt Orange asked.

Applejack turned and finally spotted the Crusaders; they were all showing Belcadizians around, dressed up in Belcadizian style clothing themselves.

“There we go,” I said, pointing her out.

“You should come visit us some time,” Aunt Orange said; I couldn’t tell if she meant it or was being formal.

“I reck… I should,” Applejack said softly. “Thank you for coming all this way.”

“Apple Blossom insisted and I see the elites of Canterlot are here.” For a moment, Aunt Orange sounded just like Rarity. “Oh good, Fancy Pants, just the stallion I need to talk to. I know he’s looking for some new drinks for his parties.” She looked gleeful and was about to rub her hooves together when her husband nudged her gently.

“I will make contact,” Apple Blossom told her, then dragged me along for some reason; I felt bad leaving Applejack with the sharks.

“Is that wise?” I glanced back at AJ and her relatives.

“They haven’t even talked in a decade,” Apple Blossom said softly. “I had a hard time even talking them into coming.”

“It was nice of you to come but if they riot…” I said.

“They won’t get violent but it was time to rip off the scab, I think,” Apple Blossom said softly. Then she changed and got the smile again; the one that says ‘I am awesome’. I studied it; given I am awesome, I need to be able to do that.

“Rarity, darling, it’s so good to see you again,” Apple Blossom said to Rarity, who was busy trying to tell a bunch of snooty unicorns about the model of the research center.

“Apple Blossom, you look smashing,” Rarity said, her accent even more accenty than usual.

They praised each other for several minutes, then they both introduced me to roughly three billion unicorns and I took over explaining everything while Apple Blossom seduced Fancy Pants into ordering a lot of orange drinks for his next party. Not literal physical seduction but you know what I mean. Though his skinny pale consort glared at Apple Blossom the whole time.

And once he ordered… everyone wanted some.

More people were flooding into the memorial and I began to suspect I would be really tired tonight.

***************

I was fairly tired but happy when a dozen angry ponies in blue robes strode in; half had Luna’s cutie mark on their robes, the other half had Celestia’s sun. They began haranguing the crowd about how this was all lies.

I bet Cunning Thought sent them.

I strode over and said, “I’m Rainbow Dash and all of this is true.”

“Ponies were not made by machines in a factory!,” one of them said angrily; she had a long blue wavy mane and a dark green coat with red eyes. She had hoof-boots like Celestia’s but done in copper. “Everyone knows Celestia and Luna created us!”

“That’s not true at all; they were born of a Pony father and could hardly have created their own father,” I said, trying not to yell at them. Some lunatic cult, I guess.

“Everyone knows their mother was an Immortal and their father Odin’s son,” the pony said haughtily.

Odin’s SON? I’m pretty sure Sleipnir… no wait, Sleipnir is the brother… and now I forget their father.

Which I should know but he has a weird name.

“You are quite incorrect,” Dawn Gleaming said. “The Book of the Sun and the Moon is nothing more than the ignorant blathering of a lunatic mind.” She sounded quite contemptuous and I wondered when she’d come up.

The what?

I wanted to avoid a fight but I’m only good at causing fights. But I don’t want anything to get broken.

Fluttershy, she’s good at avoiding violence. I summoned her over by desperate wing-flapping.

She approached and a wave of daisy smell flooded over me. I think she over did it on perfume. The robe ponies’ eyes all crossed.

“Priestess Goldenhair, I am Fluttershy of the Equestrian Druids, a pleasure to meet you,” Fluttershy said with her musical voice, shaking hand-to-hoof with her.

“Any relation to…” one of Goldenhair’s flunkies asked eagerly.

Wait, her hair isn’t gold, it’s BLUE.

I rubbed my eyes just to be sure.

“I am a human and she is a pony, so no,” Fluttershy said. “Just a coincidence.”

Goldenhair studied her curiously. “What an odd outfit.”

“It’s worn by Blackmoorian researchers,” Fluttershy said. “I wanted to help out with my friend Dashie’s premiere. Please don’t run around shouting, I want everything to be just right for her big night.”

“But she…” Goldenhair began.

“She’s a…,” Dawn Gleaming began.

“You can fight any time; but this is a night to remember the past and celebrate our present. Doesn’t Celestia say we should all get along and be kind to each other?” Fluttershy said gently.

“Yes,” Goldenhair said. “But she…”

“Shouting never persuades anyone,” Fluttershy said. “Now, let me show you the religious exhibit.”

She soon had them under her thumb, just like her animals and I smiled a little. You’re a good friend, Fluttershy.

I jumped when Crash suddenly was next to me. “Hey,” Crash said, spewing crumbs.

Onto my nice dress, so I tried to brush them off. “Enjoying it?” I asked.

“Mom’s coming,” Crash said, wincing.

MOM.

It took eight ponies to drag me out of the closet when she got here.

Then Rarity distracted her until Applejack of all people got me fixed back up with Apple Blossom’s help. It was mostly Apple Blossom.

How did Mom know to come????

I saw Gilda’s father, Anton, before I saw Mom as I hesitantly let them herd me towards Mom. He came all the way from Prance? Is Gilda here? Anton was busy talking to one of Rarity’s friends, one of the snooty unicorns, but he now saw me and eyed me in that Griffon way, the one that probably used to mean ‘I am going to eat you’ but now just means ‘I hold you in disdain’. Why is he even here if he’s mad at me?

Is Gilda here?

I felt twice as nervous now.

Anton wore a top hat, but wasn’t wearing his monocle, which I think is silly; he did have a nice brown suit on, though.

Our path came close to Anton, who said, “Mselle Dash, your dress is very nice.” He has this warm, cultured voice and I have to admit that maybe I kind of like it.

Soarin’ would sound awesome if he sounded like that.

He’s here, somewhere, but this place is *so full*. I saw Spitfire, for a moment, talking to Falling Lightning, another Wonderbolt; he once outraced a lightning bolt! *That* is awesome.

But they were hedged in by admirers and I was being herded and Anton wanted to talk to me.

“Thank you, Anton,” I said, doing my best to bow and fake culture. “I am very grateful you came to see the opening of my memorial.”

“I had not known you took an interest in history,” he said amiably and I wondered why he’d looked mad at me earlier.

“I had some adventures and read some books which convinced me there were things we need to remember but have forgotten,” I told him excitedly. Then I kind of rambled on about the research center and all the people there.

It’s like I was there for me now; seeing all those globes, I know more about some of these people than I do a lot of ponies in Ponyville.

He watched; it’s hard to read Griffon expressions because they have different facial muscles and also any time you talk to one, part of your brain is reminding you they used to eat horses.

But they’re civilized now, though I’m not sure why.

“We have a museum like this about our ancestors,” he said softly, looking around. “Not everyone took it well; they wanted to believe we were created by Vanya as noble warsteeds for her elite warriors.”

“Gilda told me that story,” I told him. About how Vanya had trained eagles but they weren’t big enough to ride and trained lions but her foes escaped by flying. So she bred them together… somehow… and got griffons, who were as mighty as a lion and flew as high as an eagle and then no one could escape her and her knights.

Part of my brain says chickens were somehow involved but I was probably drunk at the time when I heard the story.

“I tried to get her to come but I know you two fell out,” he continued, not quite looking me in the face, but studying my left shoulder; I glanced at it but it was still just a shoulder with a dress over it.

Now I shuffled uncomfortably on my hooves. “Is she okay? I mean, I know she must get into trouble but I hope it’s not too much trouble.”

“Herr Franz Lowenroth, Baron of Adlerturm now employs her as a bodyguard,” he said. “As I understand, he’s a wizard but with an interest in hunting and animal magics. She writes more than she used to.” He paused. “Is there some reason she would be in trouble? Beyond the usual?”

I froze, transfixed by that one-eyed stare thing Griffons do when they want to scare the shit out of you. “I just had a bad feeling,” I mumbled.

He sighed and settled back on his rear haunches. Then he blinked. “You and your friends are all quite large.”

“I was too awesome for a small body to hold,” I said, laughing and nervous at once; I’m not sure how much I can tell; I had my Element but I wasn’t wearing it because they’re supposed to be secret; it was hidden inside my outfit.

“Well, I see your handlers are impatient, so I will let you go,” he said.

‘Handlers’.

I feel weird.

“It was very gracious of you to come,” I told him.

“You should write your mother more often; she worries about you,” he said sternly. “She made sure I came.”

But who told Mom?

Probably Cunning Thought in a final petty stroke at me for beating her.

Punk!

I mumbled about letters and let everyone push me away.

Then I saw somehow Mom had found Crash and was looming over her, lecturing her. Mom’s not any taller than I… used to be. But she wears these high-heeled hoof-boots and likes to stand very straight and proud. Mom’s a very light blue and her mane is long and fancy and styled like Rarity’s, but it’s the same color as mine. She was wearing a long three-layered orange dress which flowed in all directions; I don’t know how she moved in it without stepping on it and falling down; only my super-nimbleness lets me move in this outfit Rarity made for me and it’s only one layer.

“Junior, how can you come to your own premiere without even wearing ANYTHING?” she was lecturing Crash. “You didn’t even brush your mane!”

“Mom, I…,” Crash began; she looked really shaken up. Especially when Mom pounced on her and pinned her down and began brushing out her mane.

“Now, look at this fine young lady coming to say hello to you,” Mom said, pointing at me. “Tall, elegant, graceful, and not slobbed out at an event where *everypony who is anypony in Equestria* will see her. And her face isn’t covered with crumbs and she doesn’t smell like cider, either!”

That’s because I haven’t had a chance to eat and I just had a quick sip of some cider, but I’ve been wall-to-wall schmoozing since the start of this.

Only when I got a few feet closer did I realize that *Mom didn’t recognize me*. WHAT?

“Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the entire universe,” Crash said, squirming. “I can brush my own mane!”

“I’ve seen little evidence of that,” she said chidingly.

I would be laughing my ass off if I wasn’t now reminded I kind of still haven’t told Mom about the twin thing. Clone thing. You know what I mean.

Ahahah.

I strode up trying to be graceful, my friends trailing after me. “Hey, Mom, I see you found my twin sister. This is Rainbow Crash.”

Mom froze, studied Crash, then me, then her eyes widened as she looked at all my friends and then everyone else and all the ponies watching her. “Rainbow Dash the Second, what have you done this time?” she said sternly to me.

“The second?” Twilight said curiously. I guess I had never actually said Mom’s name. I’m technically Rainbow Dash the Second but I want to be remembered for me, not because my parents couldn’t be bothered to think of a new name!

I don’t want to just be some cheap copy of my Mom.

I saw Crash staring at the floor and suddenly felt terrible for her.

“Your mother is an elegant pony,” Rarity said approvingly.

The world will now end, I know it. I’ll never be out of a dress, again.

“I was so awesome, even this body couldn’t hold it and I split off another me,” I said. It was intended as a joke, but Mother now buried her face in her hooves.

“Junior, playing around with magical items is unwise,” she told me sternly.

Crash had just curled up in a ball and looked miserable; being reminded you were made in… I’m not sure what Keraptis’ shadow creature clone machine things look like. It can’t be a happy memory.

I took a deep breathe and let it out. “Crash is a magical clone of me but she’s a person and she remembers everything I did up to when she was made. So she’s your daughter too and I want you to treat her like that. And we’re both big ponies now and she works for an *immortal* so you should give us some respect.” I waved my hoof around at everything. “I can’t be the daughter you wanted because Rarity already existed.”

Rarity blinked and studied me curiously.

“She’s a bit of a lazy idiot but so am I,” I continued. “We can’t be who you dreamed of us being. We’re just the we who is.” That did not come out right at all. “And you can thank my friend Rarity for my outfit. She’s a designer and makes all our best clothing.”

Rarity now did that little ‘I am Rarity, the best dressed, prettiest pony who all the stallions want’ strut. You know the one. She was wearing a purple dress with golden topazes set into it like stars and a crown. Because in her heart, she’s a pretty princess.

She’s pretty much Mom’s ideal of her perfect daughter.

Marcus stood by her; he’s in stallion form, all dressed up in a navy suit and looking pretty good. Not as good as Soarin’ but who can match him?

There was a shimmer of light and then a flash and Dawn Gleaming appeared, pulling Crash out of Mom’s grip and landing her on her feet. “Rainbow Crash is my friend and a valued member of our team which serves the all-powerful and wise Princess Marjorie.” She glared defiantly at Mom. “If she didn’t look a little rumpled, we’d mistake her for that grandstander, Rainbow Dash.”

I am not a grandstander, I am just *that awesome*.

My father now came out of the press of the crowd; he’s a very dark blue with a long blond mane; he wore a very light blue suit that I now realized basically matched Mom’s skin tone. He also wears glasses and is rather an egghead. “Ahh, you’re Dawn Gleaming, who wrote the article on comet-borne monster infestations in the latest Celestial Quarterly?” he asked.

The what in the what on what?

She smiled brightly. “Yes, it’s my first publication,” she said. “Studying Alphatian comet records finally enabled me to trace the causes of the 1180 and 1232 monster infestations in Haven and the causes of the Haunted Marshes. That’s in the Alphatian calendar which counts from Landfall, of course.”

“Of course,” father said. “I am Dr. Star Chaser, Rainbow’s father, and it’s a pleasure to meet you.” They shook hooves and she practically squeed.

“You wrote _Volume Three of the Condensed History of Atmospheric Irregularities over Brun and the Alphatian Islands_, right?” Dawn Gleaming asked excitedly.

“Wait, Star Chaser is your *father*?” Twilight said to me, stunned.

This is why I never mention my parents, people get expectations. That I’m going to be *them* and not *me*.

Also, only they would get this happy over a book like that.

Mom stared at me, then sighed. “Dash, I just want what’s best for you.”

“And that’s something *we* decide,” I told her, standing firm as my legs tried to shake.

Crash now stood by me and nodded. “We’d write more if all your letters weren’t about how disappointed you are that we aren’t you,” she said, then stared at the floor, sagging.

Mom grimaced, then sighed. “Crash, come here.”

“I do…”

“COME HERE.” Mom gave her the stare and she came hither.

She gently embraced Crash around the head and shoulders. “I always wanted another daughter,” she said softly, brushing away… had Crash somehow gotten *more* crumbs on her?

Crash began crying on her shoulder and now I wanted to die of embarrassment. Fluttershy came up and hugged her gently too.

Dad, Twilight, Marcus, Sammy, Spike, Spikey, some griffon I don’t even know, three other unicorns, Dawn Gleaming, and some elf were now all embroiled in complicated argument about whether or not monsters could fall from comets onto the land and somehow make swamps.

I think.

Wouldn’t they all splat pretty hard unless they could fly?

Apple Blossom passed me a small bottle and I chugged down something orangey and alcoholic and then she carefully wiped my mouth with a handkerchief. Softly, she said, “Parents can be difficult.”

“I know,” I whispered back.

“At least you have some to argue with,” AJ said sadly, then she and Apple Blossom both stared off at one of the exhibits of a pony planting an apple tree. It was supposed to be Leaf Dancer but it looked suspiciously like Apple Bloom, I now realized.

If she was an adult with a slightly longer…

Did Apple Bloom do Leaf Blossom as her mother?

Now I couldn’t stop staring and wondering.

Crash now looked like she wanted to die as Mom gently wiped her face. “None of that matters,” Mom said kindly to her. “You are my daughter, so stand proud because we are the best ponies in Equestria.”

She glanced at Dad, then gently kicked him in the ass.

He started, looked at her, and Mom gestured my way with her head.

Father now apologized to everyone around him and strode over to me, then smiled at me. “I’m glad to see you doing something constructive,” he said to me.

“I work very hard,” I told him irritably. “Being an athlete is work too.”

“The body fades before the mind,” he said sternly, but then relaxed again. “Why don’t you show us around? I’m not familiar with the Blackmoor period, so I need a knowledgeable guide like you. You know more about it than I do.”

“Okay, Dad,” I said to him. Being able to show off intellectual stuff to him was, really, kind of cool.

Wow, I know something Dad doesn’t. That’s *new*.

A good kind of new.

**************

“You didn’t tell me your parents live in Prance! Your mother is so fashionable!,” Rarity said and ranted about this while I got a snack and a drink; I was very tired but I still had guests and I have shown people around here a billion times.

I don’t know how museum operators avoid dying of exhaustion. I hired someone Twilight recommended to run this place for me since it’s in Canterlot and I have other duties. But maybe I should have hired an Earth pony who wouldn’t get tired easily instead of one of her classmates from Unicorn School.

I also hope I can afford to keep it open even with Celestia helping.

I may need to go on a dungeon raid with Marcus to fund it or something.

“She may forget I exist now,” I mumbled to Rarity.

“What?” Rarity said in confusion.

“You’re everything she ever wanted in a daughter, but she got me. And Twilight’s probably Dad’s ideal daughter,” I said, sighing. The egghead brigade was over by the exhibit of the genetic thing machine; they were arguing over ducks and cows or something. Did someone actually make a duck-cow and why?

It’s not the real machine, just a model; Celestia’s people are studying the real thing but Apple Bloom made a really convincing fake.

It had better be a fake.

Crash was in a very simple red dress now which I am guessing someone made on the spot or maybe Mom just carries dress… of course Mom has emergency dresses for fashion disasters.

“Your mother and I made it for her,” Rarity said, following my gaze. “I had my kit but no material; she had some cloth samples but not her kit. A match made in heaven, though I could have done more if I had been ready. There’s really no excuse for me not being ready to sew at a moment’s notice.”

I sighed and had more cider.

“Don’t drink from the bowl, Dash,” Rarity said chidingly. “And your mother loves you very much and is very sad you never write.”

“She doesn’t write much either,” I grumbled.

I could see Twilight’s parents there, pontificating and talking to Dawn Gleaming and Twilight. They’re probably happy to have two of Twilight.

“I know, she has her fashion empire to oversee,” Rarity said, clearly envious. “Apple Blossom was telling me you helped her get a contract with Fancy Pants for her company; she was quite grateful.”

She did the work, I was just an excuse. “Better give me your element since I’m so generous,” I teased her.

“This place could do with some fancying up but I am very proud of you,” Rarity said warmly. “You’ve done something great.”

“It’s a start,” I told her. “I don’t know where I am going to get the money to keep paying for it, though.” Running Rarity’s business… she must be as much of a math genius as Twilight. I talked to an accountant Celestia recommended and my brain glazed over in three minutes and he was trying to keep it simple.

This is how we ended up in the office of the place with her going over the numbers with me and recommending things, like a souvenir shop. Mother came in and joined us and she was, as always, full of ideas.

They were just useful this time.

“And of course, you can do special exhibits, get various scholarly institutions to help sponsor you and you then help them by exposing their work to the public view,” Mother concluded. “I know students at Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns do all sorts of research projects and the professors as well.”

They really had a lot of good advice. I just hadn’t thought about all the complicated parts of this before I built it.

I guess I do rush into things.

“So how did you get so big?” Mother asked me curiously.

“We’re all just so awesome, our bodies had to get bigger to hold it,” I told her.

“Magical side-effects,” Rarity said.

I can’t talk about our quests. So I don’t know what to tell Mom. “It comes from working for Celestia,” I told her.

Mom gave me the Mom look. The one that says ‘I know you’re not telling me something.’

“It’s sealed to the Crown,” Rarity quickly said.

“It’s because Dash is really a toy and now they need a new model to sell!” Pinkie said, sticking her head into the office.

Is she *still* on that?

Mom looked thoughtful in a way which now made me worry, especially when Rarity got the same look.

****************

They had a set of working model plushies by the time the opening party was over; they work fast, especially since they roped Clarity into it. I hadn’t even realized she was here.

Now I wonder if Marjorie is around here, but I didn’t see her.

Soarin’ kissed me in front of the Wonderbolts, who cheered and I turned red. “We’re going to go flying for fun,” he said. “You game?”

“YEAH!” I said and soon I was streaking across the sky, happy as a lark.

Spitfire and I did a double spiral together as the others cheered; she was trailing fire and I regretted I had nothing to trail. Unless I did a rainboom but it was night and I’d probably wake up every little kid in the city.

Then Soarin’ and I got some clouds and did some sky spelling, shaping them to spell out ‘Wonderbolts Rule’ in huge letters, then he got some of Rainmaker’s special stuff and threw it on the clouds; they changed colors to form a rainbow and I turned a little red and smiled.

Rainmaker does their special effects; he’s pretty cool.

Then we went to the Landfall Café; it has Alphatian style food and they have their own reserved room! So Soarin’ and I got to eat in peace with just the rest of his team and their coltfriends and fillyfriends, most of whom I’d never met.

“What’s with your friend thinking everyone in Gear is a toy?” Rainmaker asked me. He’s got a dark green coat and blue and white streaked mane, cut pretty short and curly so it looks like a cloud on his head.

“Pinkie… sometimes she’s a genius and sometimes she’s kind of crazy. She’s a bit of a visionary in all senses,” I told him. “Sometimes it’s really insightful and sometimes she acts like there’s people constantly watching us.”

“We’re the Wonderbolts, people *are* constantly watching us,” Thunderhead, Rainmaker’s fillyfriend, said. She’s pink with a striped white and green mane, long and flowing and very wavy. She’s an actual Wonderbolt; most of them don’t date each other. Soarin’ says it gets messy if something goes wrong.

I can totally see that. Every time Rainmaker glanced at our waitress, Thunderhead twitched.

“I like people looking at me,” Leo said. He’s a tawny gold with a yellow mane; he’s dating Windmachine. He studied me. “I wouldn’t have expected to see Soarin’ dating a brainiac,” he said.

Me? A brainiac?

“Dash is very smart,” Soarin’ said proudly.

“I’ve got it all,” I said proudly. “And the best coltfriend in Equestria.”

“Just don’t be too loud tonight,” Thunderhead said amiably.

EEEEEE.

*******************

I wished I could stay longer but after staying overnight with Soarin’, I had to head back home after a quick consultation with my new museum runner and a few minutes to cry over the shattered remains of my bank account.

I really should have thought about the cost of it all.

There were drunken, unconscious weatherponies still crashed out or moaning about hangovers all over my house when I got home.

“CRASH!” I shouted.

“Hey, you’d best not come in your bedroom for at least five minutes,” she shouted. “The floor won’t be sticky then.”

It’s not the first time this place has been like this but it *is* the first time it happened *without me*.

I eventually chased everyone out, made Crash help and Fluttershy came to help me get it back to where it didn’t smell weird and my hooves didn’t stick to anything.

“Don’t throw parties in my house without inviting me,” I told Crash sternly.

She stuck her tongue out at me, then said, “Your friends are cool,” softly.

“Yeah, we have a good crew,” I told her.

She glanced nervously at Fluttershy, who smiled at her, which made her more nervous. “Anyway, I’d best get back home. We’re going to the Wild Coast in order to investigate another attack on a dragon or something,” Crash said, waving a hoof dismissively. “By the way, if anyone suggests going to Old Thonia… kick their ass for me. I *hate* that place so much!”

“But Old Thonia has the prettiest snails,” Fluttershy said.

Crash, not looking at her, said, “They are on fire and they spit acid and read your mind and fill it with thoughts about how tasty you will be.” She shuddered.

“Not the big ones, the little cute ones,” Fluttershy said. “The swamps are lovely in spring time.”

“Psychic frog-men with temples that turn into giant murderous golems,” Crash said dolefully.

“But you kicked their ass, right?” I said.

“Oh, I kicked their ass, but Cruisin’ was checking out every pony in sight,” she said dolefully. “I don’t know what I’m going to do,” she continued, sounding grim.

“Kick his ass if he’s an ass,” I said.

“Oh dear, some guys are like that. Does he initiate combat with other men to try to take their mates?” Fluttershy asked.

I’m starting to think the reason Fluttershy never has a coltfriend is that she has some weird ideas about romance.

Rainbow Crash began to wail, and now Fluttershy looked mortified. So I shook her shoulders. “Pull it together,” I told her. “If he wanders around on you, kick his ass.”

“I can’t kick my coltfriend’s ass,” Crash said, then sighed. “Maybe it’s not meant to be, I mean we just… it’s because you and Soarin’…”

Maybe it isn’t meant to be.

But stuff that, we are awesome and we *decide*.

“Do you want him?” I asked.

“I was made to want him,” she mumbled to my hooves as she sat on her haunches.

“I suppose he is the only stallion there,” Fluttershy said thoughtfully. “That may be triggering overconfidence due to a lack of challengers.”

“That’s not an excuse. I was made with wings but I *choose* to fly,” I told her. “Secondguessing myself isn’t in my nature so it shouldn’t be in yours, either. Get up!”

She got up, wobbling.

“Be confident! There’s nothing a Dash can’t do,” I told her. “Decide what you want and go for it. That’s our way.”

“Get some other stallions to join your team, so he has competition and can’t take you for granted,” Fluttershy said.

That could be tricky, given the circumstances of their creation.

Crash closed her eyes, then opened them, looking stronger. I was relieved. “Thanks, Dash. Flu… Fluttershy. I’d best get going. Wherever exactly we’re going. See ya!”

And then she took off.

Have a good adventure, Sister, I thought.

“You should write your mother a nice letter,” Fluttershy said to me.

“I just saw her yesterday,” I told Fluttershy, who gave me the ‘you are disappoint’ look.

With her help, I wrote Mom a long letter about everything. Maybe we’ll get on better in the future. I think…

She really is proud of me.

I don’t even know how to live with a Mom who is proud of me.

But I feel proud of me too. This is just a beginning but it’s a good beginning. But one little memorial museum isn’t enough. People have to know. They have to remember.

Fluttershy and I laid out on my roof, soaking up sun. “Well, now I can relax a little.”

“Don’t you have training with Scootaloo?,” Fluttershy said.

A teacher’s work is never over.

Me, a *teacher*. I guess I am growing up.

But that’s not a bad thing.

The End.

Short Story 4: A Proper Lady

Now he had an odd look on his face but the smile came back, more pasted on this time, though, which worried me. “From what Helga tells me, you and your friends are definitely ponies of distinction. Certainly worthy of respect.” His head started to turn towards his wife, who was… lifting Marcus over her head? It was some sort of dance, not very dignified but certainly she is impressively strong. I couldn’t lift Marcus over my head in human form.

I think.

“We have had some good adventures. But a lot of it is for the crown and I can’t talk about it too much,” I told him. “But thank you.” How very gracious of him to want me to feel better. So why do he and Marcus clash so much? “I want you to meet everyone but I can’t see anyone but Twilight here. Though Fluttershy will be with us tomorrow.” Dash is off hiding from her mother for *no good reason* and… well, this isn’t Applejack’s thing. But I’m surprised I haven’t seen Pinkie.

Or Spike or Spikey. They love parties like this.

He opened his mouth, then shut it and sighed. “So how long have you lived in Ponyville?”

We talked awhile about my life here and the more we talked, the more convinced I became that his feud with Marcus makes *no sense*. He had good manners, was polite, intelligent… what is it with them? Why doesn’t he trust Marcus?

Then I saw Dona Carlotta, Herr Otto, and Herr Sigismund off across the party talking to Bon-Bon and Berry; I hadn’t realized that they were still in Canterlot; they must have come down with Celestia… wherever she is.

Herr Sigismund saw us and came our way, leaving the others behind and bowed to me, which was flattering, given he is the son of Prince Jaggar and his heir. “Uncle, it is good to see you.”

“It’s good to see you, Sigismund,” Lord Aendyr said. He twirled around in his suit. “How do you like it?”

“Father would like that outfit,” Herr Sigismund said, studying it.

Ka-ching! I smell opportunity!

“Countess Rarity made it,” he said. “You should see her about getting one made for Jaggar before you have to go home.”

Thank you so much, Lord Aendyr. That should boost my business!

I am hoping to make some contacts, though my concern, of course, is to spend some time with my guests and get to know them better.

It was at this point that DJ Pon-3 announced, “We now have a special fashion show of Mistress Clarity’s new line of Glantrian Fashions,” and they switched to a spritely tune as Clarity put the Crusaders and various friends of theirs through their paces. They’re mostly terrible models, though Sweetie will be a beauty one day and Shining Star looked great in her Belcadizian dancing dress. But I would have loved this opportunity but I had too much to do, too much to do.

But I didn’t invite them here to make money. This is for my guests and they enjoyed watching it, laughing and applauding… you shouldn’t laugh at a fashion show but the kids didn’t mind, they ate up all the attention.

“Very impressive,” Herr Sigismund said. “A relative of yours, Countess Rarity?”

“My sister,” I told him. This should… it now struck me that she doesn’t *have* an actual fashion business yet… it was all imaginary. This is her chance to actually set herself up as a real fashion mogul.

I could tell everyone was impressed by her designs, though. Those watching, anyway; a lot of people had scattered to eat, drink, and talk during the show.

I chatted with Herr Sigismund and Lord Aendyr as we watched and then the kid models and Clarity cleared out and DJ Pon-3 grinned again. “And we have a special guest! Time for the special song.”

“Do we have to?” one of the orchestra ponies said, grimacing as he sat at the piano.

“By request of the PRINCESS, here’s HOWL AT THE MOON!” DJ Pon-3 shouted.

I stared in absolute horror; that’s not the kind of song you play at a shindig like this *at all*.

Lyra was laughing her head off and I wondered how you even played that song on a lyre. But the band gamely launched into it, and Princess Luna, back in her normal form and in full royal regalia, descended from the roof on a giant crescent moon, *singing it*. I could see the Crusaders and other fillies and colts their age busy dancing to it and enjoying it while most of the guests stared mindlessly.

I am pretty sure that I fainted at that point, overwhelmed with horror.

*********************

The song had ended but now Sweetie was up on the moon with Luna, busy singing Fly Me To the Moon. People could dance to that, thankfully and Lord Aendyr offered me a drink which I consumed as fast as manners allowed. I could see Princess Celestia had arrived, but in her ‘Vanilla Surprise’ form; she was dancing with Big Mac, Cherilee, and some stallion I didn’t recognize.

I could see Apple Blossom and the Orange family as well, circulating among the crowd, and I regretted Applejack wasn’t here. Lady Aendyr was talking to another tall blond human I didn’t know, who had a wreath on her head and a fancy green dress that… it looked oddly familiar. But the other woman now turned to me. “How do you fare, my friend?” she said. “Or were you fainting for dramatic effect?” She stumbled slightly, then sighed.

Her voice… “Do I know you?” I asked in confusion.

“It’s me, Applejack. I figured… I thought I would see how the other half lives, since I kind… since I promised I would and never got around to it,” she said. Her voice kept wobbling.

I could see Marcus now, talking to Carlotta while Otto tried to destroy Marcus’ head with his gaze. I sighed at that. But one problem at a time.

I saw Fluvia now dancing with a grey-maned purple Earth pony stallion, wearing the suit I made for her for… he must be her love. He looked somewhat trapped, though. But I wished them well.

“You look marvelous, Applejack, though you could use some makeup as well,” I told her.

“One step at a time,” she said firmly. “Hey, want to dance?” she asked Herr Sigismund.

“I would love to,” he said to her, smiling. They were soon dancing, though Applejack clearly didn’t know what she was doing.

“Well, I think this is going to be a grand success,” I said. Despite Princess Luna deciding… why did she *do* that?

But no harm done, I think. So now…

I felt a huge surge of magic; every unicorn in the place turned and stared at an open space by one wall and though Princess Luna kept singing, she moved so she was between Sweetie and the surge.

“Oh fuck,” I heard Marcus say and he moved between Carlotta and the surge of magic as well.

Shadows and ribbons of light intermixed and then collapsed into the form of an Belcadizian elven woman of great beauty with long black hair and an elaborate white and black dress, white layers over a black base with various cuts which looked like runes to me. She wore a golden crown set with rubies and emeralds and four other Belcadizians, two women and two men stood around her in a box formation.

One of them announced, “All hail Dona Carnelia de Belcadiz y Fedorias, Princess of Belcadiz, Vice-Queen of Monteleone, and Marquesa de Alhambra! She who cast down Grazzt and Igwwilv, slayer of the great beast Harambas, and heir to a thousand year dynasty! The rightful queen of Glantrian elves, you are honored by her presence!”

A few Belcadizian elves who had come down from the capital applauded, a few ponies politely stomped their hooves and Don Diego, who I had not seen before, shouted, “Hello, sister! It’s good to see you!”

Mayor Mare emerged from the crowd and said, “Welcome to Ponyville, your highness.”

Dona Carnelia coolly studied Mayor Mare, then said, “Thank you, Mayor.” Then she pointed at Luna. “We must talk. *Now*.”

That set off a wave of whispers, though Marcus actually relaxed a little to my surprise; I could see Otto and Carlotta still looked very tense.

I could see Sweetie whipping her cards out and trying to do a reading as Princess Luna coldly said, “You have no right to give me orders, Carnelia. This is not Glantri, and here, you are no different from anyone else. Whereas I am one of the Diumvirate.”

I… didn’t think she disliked Carnelia, given she was going around as a Belcadizian earlier. Lord Aendyr was whispering frantically to Lady Aendyr, who had her eyes warily on Princess Carnelia.

For a second, I thought Carnelia was going to hurl a lightning bolt across the room, but one of her elves whispered to her, and now with a voice like she was gargling glass, Princess Carnelia said, “I request an audience with Princess Luna of Equestria in private over a matter of one of my subjects who is in your land.”

“I’m not going back, Mother!” Dona Carlotta shouted and I winced. Her aunt’s eyes moved to study her and I could now see that Carnelia hadn’t actually *seen* her before. Marcus, who was in the middle of this line of sight, looked ready to drop dead, but didn’t move. “I won’t back down a second time!”

Otto took her hand and said, “We are under Prince Jaggar’s protection!”

Spitting in the face of an angry queen is not wise. Marcus, at least, had the sense not to shout defiance.

“Granted,” Luna said, flying down to Princess Carnelia. Then shadows enveloped her and the five Belcadizians. Then the shadows faded and they were gone.

Lady Aendyr now ran over to Marcus and company and the rest of us trailed after her. “Does she know?” Lady Aendyr asked Marcus.

“I know he was Eric,” Carlotta said softly. “Hello, Helga. It’s good to see you.”

“It’s my job to protect her,” Otto said angrily to Marcus.

“I am not a wilting flower,” Carlotta said irritably, frowning now and looking more like her aunt.

Twilight had teleported up onto the moon. “Okay, let’s get this party going again!” she said as it wobbled under her. “How about the Moonlight Sonata?”

That clearly made the orchestra happy, though DJ Pon-3 had a weird look on her face like she knew something.

Oh dear.

“Marcus, darling,” I said, then couldn’t even remember what I wanted to say.

“So you’re Herr Otto,” Lady Aendyr said softly to Herr Otto. “You must be a brave man.”

His eyes narrowed. “Of course I am. I am a lord of Aalban, after all.”

Countess Cadence and Shining Armor now galloped across the room and out a side door. I wondered where they were going so fast.

Lady Aendyr winced and buried her face in her hands. “She means that anyone who is willing to risk Carnelia’s wrath must be brave by definition, unlike some people I know who run away from her, abandoning alleged lovers,” Lord Aendyr said, his voice moving from gentle to angry by the end.

“It would have only gotten Eric killed pointlessly or trapped in eternal nightmares,” Dona Carlotta said, frowning. “And we agreed on it.”

“Has anyone seen Ivan?” Lady Aendyr asked, clearly trying to change the subject. “I wanted to dance with him.”

“Probably trying to pick Princess Carnelia’s pocket,” Lord Aendyr grumbled.

“He went off with Luna before the party and I haven’t seen him since,” Marcus said, then sighed deeply. “Hopefully, this won’t blow up into a giant fight that levels the ball.”

I *desperately* hope that. I didn’t invite them here so they could get caught in a brawl.

It was time for some elegant dancing.

*******************

I was dancing with Herr Sigismund while Otto danced with Lady Aendyr, Marcus with Applejack, and Dona Carlotta with Lord Aendyr. The music was elegant and the ball was a grand success despite interruptions.

Then I heard DJ Pon-3 laugh to herself and I felt the icy hand of *doom*.

Worse, nothing bad happened. Vanilla Surprise and Big Mac and Cherilee and the stallion… I *still* don’t know his name… all danced past us, waving, and I waved back, though it was easier for me with hands. I could see Twilight and West Wind but no sign of Dash, though I had invited her and Soarin’.

Then I saw…was it Dash? A pony who looked just like Dash, except her colors were all different. Khaki coat and her hair was various shades of black and grey in stripes; she wore an olive green shirt and a pith helmet and had a compass rose cutie mark. Daring Doo, but Daring Doo is a fictional character, which means… it has to be Rainbow Dash in disguise, HIDING FROM HER MOTHER. She’s shorter than Dash normally is now, but there’s magic for shrinking as well as getting bigger.

I was both impressed by her ingenuity and frustrated at her running away like this. Especially since I could see Crash was here with her mother, dancing with two stallions. Dash’s father was off talking to two nobles… from the Dacoatas, I think. I recognize their heraldry.

When the music ended, I bid my farewell for the moment and went to confront her about being silly; she didn’t notice me as she was watching Ditzy and Dr. Smith dancing with an oddly wistful look. I probably imagined it because Dash would not care. “Dash, stop being ridiculous. Did you make Soarin’ dress up as Clarion?” Clarion is the son of Daring Doo’s mentor, and a sometimes rival, sometimes would-be coltfriend of Daring Doo. It’s complicated, which makes it interesting.

Daring Dash started and looked at me. “What?” She even disguised her voice… It had never hit me before how much Daring Doo looks like Dash but she does.

“You know what I mean, darlin’,” I told her. I pointed at Rainbow Dash, Sr. “There is your mother. Don’t hide from her.” I began trying to herd her.

“I don’t know this person!” she protested as I pushed her, but I couldn’t move her. My human form isn’t strong enough.

Distantly, I heard Pinkie chanting about fine linen but I could not see her anywhere and I chalked it up to nerves. Why would Pinkie chant about fine linen, anyway?

“I am not whoever you think I am!” she shouted and now Rainbow Dash, Sr. and Crash both looked at us, along with the stallions they were dancing with and I suddenly wondered why Rainbow Dash, Sr. wasn’t dancing with her husband, though he did seem wrapped in an argument with people.

I felt… I could see the Crusaders looking at us in unison and starting to come my way, looking determined and I suddenly felt I had stepped into some sort of quicksand.

Daring Dash saw them, facehoofed and bolted, taking to the air, but now Dinky did something magical and one of the clouds dropped and they all got on and began cruising after her. “Come back here! We know you’re an Oard!” Dinky shouted.

“That’s just Dash hiding from her mother!” I shouted.

Dash’s mother saw this and took to the air after Daring Dash, Crash following her. “Young lady, you can’t dye yourself sepia and expect to fool me!” she shouted, flying after her.

A small part of me admired the sheer effort. Dash had covered her cutie mark, evenly dyed her coat and dyed each of the shades of her mane an appropriate sepia-scale color. With utter, perfect precision. My inner artist saluted her.

The rest of me saw clouds and elementals starting to be knocked around by the chase and cringed, doubly so when Ditzy took to the air. “Daring, come back!” she shouted. “Don’t run away!” Roseluck now trotted up to Dr. Smith and they began yelling at each other about something.

I stared, wondering if she was just caught up in the moment or thought this was Daring Doo for *real*.

It began to rain on everyone as more pegasi took to the sky, trying to contain the weather chaos and some of the crepe paper clouds became sodden, falling on people, as Unicorns tried to fend off the falling objects and everyone else began running for cover.

Pinkie chose this moment to arrive, even as Lyra’s band either scattered or began using magic to shield themselves. DJ Pon-3 announced, “The band will now take a break so they can rest and hydrate.” She now broke down laughing at her own wit.

I heard an odd noise as if someone in the audience was very excited by the idea of hydrating.

I resisted the urge to look as I did not want to know.

However, I noticed some of the rain now began falling upwards and reforming into clouds. But some of it turned into FREEZING SLEET. I could hear ponies yelling at each other about ice and water and others just screaming.

Daisy went past me, howling as if the end of the world had come.

“And in their stead, we have a guest appearance by MC 300 Hand Tall Pale Red Cobbler and the Dragon Princes of Ponyville,” DJ Pon-3 said with an almost insane glee as Spikey, dressed like some sort of street thug, now came up to take over her equipment; she galloped off over to Octavia, who looked in horror as Pinkie, wearing a black hat, a clock on a gold chain, a blue jacket and black pants now came out with a thugged-up Spike onto the stage. A dozen dragons in golden baggy pants shuffled in behind them.

The audience stared in absolute shock and I stared with them, with a slowly swelling sense of the apocalypse coming.

“This one is dedicated to my friend Rarity, who is always elegant even when she’s covered with whipped cream and sprinkles!” Pinkie shouted, pointing at me.

I have *never* been covered with whipped cream and sprinkles!

But everyone looked at me as if I had.

The worst part was Lady Aendyr looking at me in surprise; I wanted to just *die*, and I fell onto my fainting couch.

o/~ Rarity is the best mare in town / Rarity will make you a gown o/~ she began to chant as Spike sang backup and the dragons… where did she get all those dragons???? They danced in eerie unison behind her. o/~ Now it’s a party / Time for Rarity to get down! o/~

Then she began chanting about how I was as tasty as chocolate mixed with strawberry and something about Marcus and I began to hope the whole place would just collapse and bury me. It could be my monument for the day I died of embarrassment.

Lady Aendyr began blowing clouds around with magic, joined by her husband; I could see the melding of their magics, working to calm the chaos in the sky, even as the Crusaders began opening up with… where did they get all those wands? How are Twist and Apple Bloom *using* wands? Why is Scootaloo spinning around on her back on the cloud and chanting along with Pinkie???

I couldn’t think, couldn’t do anything but panic and despair for the doom of my party. I could see nobles covered in cake to the left and Crash yelling at Scootaloo to the right and Daring Dash knocking clouds around like tenpins trying to escape them.

At this very moment, I could see Marcus trying to get to me as lightning rained down around him; he dodged desperately with Applejack, until she just hefted him and threw him to my side, then began running towards Twilight, shouting about trees. Then she hit an ice patch and slid, crashing into Fluvia and her friends and…

Marcus embraced me, shivering, then relaxed. “I think if we join our power, we can start yanking the Crusaders off the cloud and end this mess.”

Then I saw Spike looking ready to burn the place down as Pinkie began a particularly poorly thought through chant about how much Marcus and I love each other, which would have been sweet if it was MARCUS singing to me and Spike was *not right there*.

Spike now launched into a song about the evil deeds of Eric of Vestland, notorious breaker of women’s hearts and abandoner of them when they most trusted him. I winced and Marcus grimaced and Pinkie… Pinkie stared; this clearly was NOT part of the plan, for which I was grateful. Pinkie can be thoughtless but not THAT thoughtless.

“Spike, I told you we couldn’t do that one!” Pinkie said frantically.

Luna and Carnelia now entered with her followers and stared at the rising chaos. Luna began shouting orders, but no one could see her, while Carnelia… began singing along with Spike, counterpointing his song with her rant about how Eric had seduced her innocent niece and how Herr Otto was clearly Eric in disguise!

…

Marcus made a gurgling noise of disbelief.

Spike opened his mouth wide and Spikey tried to block him speaking; fire went everywhere, crepe paper went up in flames and then the dragon backup dancers went berserk and began to rampage even as Pinkie began chanting about how… Carnelia was the real Eric of Vestland???

At this point, trumpets blared and Manuel of the Plains rode in on Platinum. He began saving people from the chaos and now Carnelia saw him. “YOU!!!!!”

“I am indeed myself!” he shouted as he pulled Daisy out of a trashcan and sent her on her way.

At this very moment, Fluttershy came flying in; I could see Samantha riding Sugar Sparkle behind her, floating in the air. “I can’t find Sugar Sparkle or Samantha anywhere!” she shouted to me.

...

“She’s right behind you,” Marcus shouted. Fluttershy spun and the kids moved; one of them must have done some kind of spell to move themselves whenever she turned around.

“I am never playing Hide and Seek again!” Fluttershy wailed.

“Samantha!” Lord Aendyr shouted at her, clearly unhappy with her prank. With good reason.

Rain poured down on the fire. Fluvia shouted something to Fluttershy, who now noticed the chaos and the flames. Fluttershy breathed hard, then suddenly exploded into a huge water spout. Which flung *everything* around, dousing the fire but also flinging people everywhere, including flinging us right at Princess Carnelia, who went down with us on top of her, sending Applejack and Herr Sigismund up into the air and crashing through the Crusader’s cloud and then crashing onto Ditzy, who plummeted down into the punch bowl with them, and totally dousing Princess Luna.

Marcus picked me up and ran, screaming, while I screamed, both of us utterly panicked as Carnelia shouted curses at us and hurled spells we could barely dodge, until Shining Armor caught us both in a glowing ball of force and rolled us out the door to safety. And on down the street because he used too much force. We headed for the river as I saw the grand hall seething in chaos.

I began to wail, instinctively summoned my fainting couch and now we were both pinned to the walls and utterly discombobulated by it all.

It could not possibly get any worse.

********************

It’s amazing how fast this sphere can float down a river. Even our combined strength couldn’t break it either, and I began to think the party would crash and burn without us. But then Dash dove out of the sky, out of her costume, wearing an orange flight suit and Soarin’ was with her in his Wonderbolt uniform. They crashed into the sphere and it popped, dumping Marcus and I into the water to cling to my fainting couch, though Dash and Soarin’ went flying into trees in the process.

Then they pulled us out of the water and I leaned on a tree, wet and miserable. Marcus leaned by me, an arm around me.

“What the hell happened? We were out flying and saw you come tumbling out,” Dash said.

“That wasn’t you at the party disguised as Daring Doo?” I asked, eyes narrowing. I’d assumed she’d found some way to shrink herself to complete the disguise, but apparently not.

“What? Damn, that would have been awesome and Soarin’ could have been Clarion! Hmm, could have made the Amulet of Rarashishboomba, too…” Dash was now lost inside her own head.

I could see hordes of bat ponies descending on the distant pillar of fire, smoke, and steam which had once been my grand ball. “Just bury me here,” I said, moaning.

“We can’t die, we have to save our guests,” Marcus said. “You two mind giving us a ride?”

“You’ll have to boost Soarin’,” Dash said.

Marcus cast the spell and rode Dash while I rode Soarin’. The wind blow-dried me but now I was an utterly frizzled mess. Hands made holding onto Soarin’ a lot easier, I have to say.

We approached the ruins of what had been a ball. Applejack had hogtied the Crusaders. Manuel of the Plains galloped off with Carnelia and her flunkies chasing him. Shining Armor was reinforcing the walls as Twilight did magical repairs. Pinkie was crumpled up in a ball, looking frustrated. Spikey was patting her on the back and Clarity stood by them, looking stunned and drenched. I couldn’t see Spike anywhere to my surprise. Ditzy, Daring Doo or whoever it was, and Dr. Smith had all vanished. Vanilla Surprise and Big Mac were helping to do repairs and West Wind was working with other pegasi to herd clouds around.

Fluttershy was on the ground, apparently passed out, while Fluvia stood guard over her protectively and Lord Aendyr lectured Samantha and Sugar Sparkle. Lady Aendyr was busy assisting with repairs and cleanup. Much of the nobility had fled the site, probably never to return. Luna was busy directing batponies and Ivan was helping Lady Aendyr.

“Never ever do that to someone again,” Lord Aendyr said firmly to his daughter, waving at me with one hand without looking as Samantha and Sugar Sparkle stared at the ground. “You scared poor Fluttershy to death.”

“I just always lose at hide and seek,” Samantha mumbled. “I thought she’d dispel it once she realized she was there.”

“She can’t feel magic like you and I do,” I told her sternly. I think. I know she can do Druid magics, but I think that’s a different power source. “Not arcane magic. She was terrified that you got hurt; she lives right near the Everfree and that’s dangerous.”

The candy wore off now and I turned back to pony form and sighed.

“Where is Spike?” I asked.

“Off with Countess Cadence,” Lord Aendyr said. “Getting a stern talking to, I think.” He made grumbly noises and turned back to his daughter and her friend. “I think it is time for us to go home and put these two to bed.”

I went to check on Fluttershy, who now recovered as I nuzzled her gently. “You okay, dear?” I asked her.

“No but I’ll live,” she mumbled. “Thank you, Fluvia.”

“Just keep practicing,” Fluvia said firmly to Fluttershy, who nodded. “Rarity, thank you for the dress. It’s perfect.”

I smiled weakly. At least one thing went right.

“I’m sorry I wrecked your party,” Fluttershy said weakly.

“It was wrecked long before you arrived,” I told her and leaned on her. “It seems like every time I dream big, it blows up in my face.”

We leaned on each other a while until we both felt better.

****************

“Thank you for the nice party,” Lady Aendyr said as we took the kids home. “I assume the brawl wasn’t planned, but I enjoyed that.”

…

Lord Aendyr said, “At least there were no undead this time. Never going to a party in Klantyre again.”

“Not until Samantha is much older,” Lady Aendyr said.

“Good candy there, though,” Marcus mumbled.

Lord Aendyr glared at him and I said sharply, “Get over it, Lord Aendyr. I am sick of you two glaring at each other and I am *not* going to put up with it.”

He started and blinked at me.

“And don’t you say anything either, Marcus. I didn’t invite them here so everyone could chew on each other’s heads.” I was being far too blunt but my patience was gone. At least they didn’t attack each other.

“He…” Lord Aendyr began.

“NOTHING,” I snapped.

The rest of the trip was in miserable silence, though at least Marcus put his hand on my back, which was a little comfort. But now Lady Aendyr wasn’t happy either and… this just can’t get any worse.

*********************

“You go back to Canterlot to see Dash’s museum and everything tomorrow, right?” Sweetie said at breakfast. “So you’re still here today?”

“Yes. I planned this as a day of rest and recovery. Then tomorrow we go to Canterlot, since you’re back in school the day after that,” I told her.

“Perfect. You can try the dungeon we built so you can have an adventure together!” Sweetie announced.

They built a dungeon.

“Oh that sounds fun,” Lady Aendyr said before I could shut things down. “Someone who can actually handle Samantha and Sugar Sparkle will need to babysit them, though.”

“I want to go in the dungeon!” Samantha insisted. “I’m a big girl!”

Sweetie blinked, then laughed. “I’m sorry but this is for adults only.”

“You’re not an adult!”

She and Sweetie now had a long argument about adulthood while I felt my peaceful day slip away and die. Still, it’s not like…

Then I remembered the Moonraker and laughed nervously. “It’s not another flying warmachine, right?”

“It’s in one of the hills under Sweet Apple Acres. There were already some caves, so we just improved on that,” Sweetie said.

How did they find time to build a dungeon???

On the other hand, hitting things until they fall down might get rid of my stress.

“I do…” Lord Aendyr looked at Lady Aendyr and sighed. “Okay.”

“It will be fun. And the kids must have worked very hard to get this done in time,” Lady Aendyr said to him, patting his hand.

“You ever been in a dungeon, Darien?” Marcus asked him.

“No head chewing,” I said firmly. What is it with stallions?

“I have a GD from the Great School, unlike you, and thus passed such tests for my Basic through Companion level tests, thank you,” Lord Aendyr said sullenly. “My wife got her GD as well. Unlike you.”

“Congratulations,” Marcus said warmly to Lady Aendyr. “That should shut up anyone whining about your status.”

“I wish,” she said wearily. “I’m going to be proving myself until I die with some people.”

Marcus patted her hand. “I’m sorry. You’re probably a better wizard than me at this point.”

“Mommy’s a great wizard,” Samantha said proudly.

“I’m not on a level with your friend Twilight, but I am good,” Lady Aendyr said proudly.

“Hardly anyone’s on a level with Twilight,” Marcus said, shaking his head. “There’s no shame in that. She will be one of the great wizards of our age. I don’t think she knows any secret arts, but otherwise, she could probably easily match any of the Princes of Glantri.”

“We asked Pinkie and she volunteered to play with your kids,” Sweetie now said.

“I think we’re going to need a unicorn,” Lord Aendyr said, sighing. “Who can’t be hornswoggled by simple tricks.”

“Pinkie babysits a baby unicorn, she can handle it,” Sweetie said. “And she’s a Bard.”

I now had a good idea.

*****************

Pinkie and Lyra clapped hooves. “Bard sisters forever!” they shouted. “We’ll musically educate as we babysit.”

“I’m so sorry about your band,” I told Lyra. I still don’t know what a mangoon band is and nothing showed up claiming to be it; I must have been flaking out when I wrote that.

“It’s okay,” Lyra said. “It wasn’t your fault.” She turned to Samantha. “You can ride me back to Pinkie’s if you want.”

“YEAH!” They soon galloped off together, singing a song.

Okay, that should go smoothly.

I hope.

******************

I carefully pinned Lady Aendyr’s hair into a bun. “Why a bun?” I asked.

“My ‘air armor’ spell… kind of blows all of your hair straight up the whole time,” Lady Aendyr said, laughing. “You should spray this on yourself.” She passed me a perfume bottle.

“What does it do?” I asked.

“Keeps small vermin off you; my air armor blows them away but I have this for situations where I can’t use air armor. Otherwise, you may end up infested by the time you leave a dungeon,” she said.

I made sure to spritz myself thoroughly; it has a pleasant smell of cherry blossoms.

“So what made you decide to take up wizardry?” I asked her curiously as we continued suiting up for the dungeon; I could hear the men in another room and prayed they were not trying to kill each other. Sweetie was supposed to be helping them. I could feel her cringing through the wall.

“It’s the only way to get any respect in Glantri. There’s some things I love about it and some I hate and the dumping on non-wizards is the big hate thing.” She sighed. “So I used my share of a Ring of Three Wishes to get the potential and then I could learn. Marcus taught me the very basics, and then I studied.”

“You each got one?” I asked curiously. Marcus had never told me about this.

She paused and laughed nervously. “Yes.”

He could wish for anything… what did he wish for?

I raised an eyebrow. “Did he wish for something foolish?”

She sighed, then picked up a large axe with runes on the blade and swished it, moving away from me. “Marcus found out what it was by accidentally wishing for a sandwich.”

…

“Ivan used his to make his parents’ farm more fertile,” she said softly. “I wanted to help my parents too, but it took me a while to be able to do so. My parents farm on our estates now. And my siblings too. I convinced them all to move and now they have four times as much land and won’t get shot if they do a little hunting.”

“Ivan… I’m not sure *what* he plans, but he wants to change things in Karameikos,” I told her. “Some kind of big change.” Does she know about the Immortality quest? Should I tell her?

“I don’t know if going head to head with Petra, Halav and Zirchev is very wise, but then Ivan always dreamed big and got in over his head. We grew up a few miles from each other; our fathers are brothers,” Lady Aendyr said softly. She touched the axe and it shrank down and became an earring which she donned. “I’ve never been good at politics, which makes my life hard sometimes, because Glantrian nobles are knee-deep in it. I just stand next to Darien and look terrifying and back him up because I still… A lot of Glantrians look down on him because he married me and it doesn’t help that Marcus looks down on him too.” She was wearing leather armor now and reached into a pocket, pulling out her staff. “I think Twilight likes him; he really enjoyed meeting her. He’s a scholar more than a politician, though he has no choice but to do the latter. I just hope Samantha won’t face a lot of prejudice.” Then she sagged. “But she will. She’s too young to get it, but I see it already.” Her voice was now very bitter. “But no one here cares about that. So I envy him that.”

Him? Oh, Marcus, I guess. “My father hates Marcus.”

“All fathers hate Marcus,” Lady Aendyr said, smiling ruefully. “Mothers too, usually. But especially Fathers. I remember that mob that chased us out of that little village… we had to jump in the river and then that giant turtle attacked us. I never found out why there was a giant turtle hanging out in a river in Darokin.” Her eyes were far away now. “It would be a lot easier if I could just solve everything by hitting it like the old days.”

I heard Lord Aendyr’s voice rise and we both winced. “But those days are gone,” she said softly, staring at the wall.

“But why do the Glantrians look down on you? You are a Wizard after all. It’s not like they were born Wizards the way I was born a Unicorn,” I said hesitantly. I felt I wasn’t grasping something.

“Upstarts are never taken well by nobles, doubly so in Glantri if they were originally just a warrior like me. And I look like a barbarian to them.” She touched her hair and her arm, which looked very strong to me, especially in the leather armor. “I do my best to fit in, but I am still rather awkward. Being noble doesn’t come naturally to me like it does to you,” she said to me.

I had no idea at all what to say to that. I don’t feel natural, though I try very hard. I have worked hard to be this elegant and noble. And it still feels fake sometimes.

“You looked so natural at the ball,” she said wistfully. “Knowing all the dances and being so graceful and speaking like a high-born lady. I can speak Alphatian now but I sound terrible. Samantha… she’s good. But kids learn easier.”

“Samantha speaks Alphatian?” I said in shock.

“Well, only as well as a kid her age, but she has the right accent. Like Darien. His house is descended from Alphatian settlers from centuries ago. They’re kin to the House of Aalban, which was founded by a mixture of Thyatian and Alphatian refugees. It’s why I’m now Prince Jaggar’s cousin-in-law-by-marriage, which is… I would never have imagined that.” Now her eyes were very distant. “I was only a touch older than Sweetie when I met Marcus. He was Cufen then. He drifted into town, looking barely older than us. He and Ivan became friends and he came with us when we went on our Shearing. I expected to have a few adventures, come home with enough money to buy more land and get a good husband, like most women did on their Shearings. They go and serve as a maid or learn a craft, build a dowry and come home. I never thought of the things I would see or the places I would go or who I would become.” She studied her hands, rough hands and worn; the beautiful rings she wore looked like they’d wandered in from somewhere else. “This ring is worth what my parents used to earn in a decade,” she said softly, idly stroking it with one finger. The amethyst gleamed brightly in the lamplight. “One of Darien’s kin gives me a ring like this twice a year, once for my birthday and once for Arcanium, which is both the national holiday of Blackhill and one of the biggest in Glantri as a whole. Each one is different. I don’t know what he’ll do when he works through every kind of gemstone. But he’s some kind of gem wizard.” She glanced at my cutie mark. “Which I guess your Cutie Mark relates to, right?”

“I have a knack for finding and using gems, though I am not a jeweler,” I told her. “But I would enjoy sharing notes with him; I am trying to learn more magic.”

She touched my horn, froze, and pulled her hand back. “I’m sorry, that was terribly rude of me.” Her shoulders slumped. “Does Marcus really have an invisible horn now?”

“Celestia gave it to him,” I told her. I am not entirely clear on why, given he could use magic before. “It’s only visible in his pony form.”

There was a soft chime; I wove the reply spell and Twilight teleported into the room. It’s a unicorn protocol which Twilight often forgets. “The Crusaders haven’t really kidnapped your children in order to make you go into a dungeon after them, right?”

We both stared at her in surprise.

“I got a garbled message from Cadence. Someone tried to send Spike a message in the middle of him eating and it got messed up,” Twilight said hesitantly.

“The Crusaders built us a ‘dungeon’, so we’re going to explore it,” Lady Aendyr said. “It should be cute.”

Twilight rubbed her forehead with a hoof. “They built a flying treehouse which is now used by the Equestrian SkyNavy as a warship, full of traps. And Apple Bloom is training under *Keraptis*, which I think is really not wise, but they won’t listen.” Twilight shifted back and forth on her hooves. “I’d better go with you. I can’t finish my current experiment with Spike gone, anyway. He’s going to Canterlot with Cadence for a few weeks to cool off.” She sighed. “I suppose I could get Dinky to help but she always starts putting her weird cosmological theories into everything.”

“We’ve handled dungeons much worse than what kids can make,” Lady Aendyr said and I wondered now again if this was wise. But she wanted to do this so much… I felt I couldn’t say no.

And I have survived worse too. “I’m sure everyone would love to have you, Twilight.”

“I’d better go.”

We could hear Marcus loudly through the wall and Twilight sighed. “So what exactly is up with those two?”

“I don’t know,” Lady Aendyr said. “If I knew, I could stop it. They don’t like or trust each other at all. They both expect the other is going to fail at everything all the time. I do know Darien worries because Marcus tends to be surrounded by disaster all the time. And it probably didn’t help that Darien mistook him for a servant the first time they met.” She rubbed her forehead. “I hoped they would get over it, being away from each other.”

“Marcus is kind of unlucky but…” Twilight sighed. “He likes West Wind, so it’s not like he hates any guy who gets close to one of his female friends.”

I had a coltfriend like that once, which is part of why I’m not seeing him anymore. It drove me crazy. He freaked out if I talked to any colt about anything at all.

We have to find some way to get them to trust each other. Maybe they will learn some respect for each other from this.

*******************

The entrance to the dungeon was obscured by vines, which Ivan pushed away with a ten foot pole. He’d insisted on bringing it for some reason, though Lady Aendyr had a staff. Thankfully, the children had thought to scale the entrance for humans so everyone could get in; given my own boost in size since our quest in the Broken Lands, I can use a larger entrance myself. We’re all big enough for a human to ride without magic now, though still smaller than Celestia.

It was well cut and dressed stone inside to my surprise; how did they possibly carve all this out so quickly? I was impressed. Though I know Earth Ponies are good at this kind of thing. They work wonders with the Earth. And its products.

The walls were covered with odd images of huge green devil faces with gaping mouths, oddly stylized lightning bolts and mummies… running away from goats? All had a thin layer of dirt on them which Ivan rubbed at with his pole.

“Don’t touch the devil faces,” Marcus said, frowning. “I assume you all are listening in?”

“We can hear you!” Sweetie said proudly. “We’re watching you all on a crystal ball.”

Lady Aendyr blinked. “Is this the new thing in dungeons these days?”

“Well, it was at White Plume Mountain,” Marcus said. “Did you consult a book on famous dungeons to decorate the place?”

“Oh wow, you recognize it!” Dinky said proudly. “I checked out Volumes I through VIII of Famous Dungeons Quarterly.”

Twilight facehoofed. “Aargh, I could have brought that.”

“Not with it checked out,” Dinky said. “I’m afraid a lot of this isn’t as pretty as the entrance hallway, because most of it is natural caves we just added stuff to.”

Ivan continued to sweep ahead of us with a pole as we advanced; he made us all stop and disarmed a set of plates so we could pass. It was getting darker and I made my horn glow as did Twilight, so we could see.

We advanced with Ivan in the lead, Lady Aendyr behind him and to the right, Marcus behind him and to the left, sword in hand. Twilight was between them and Lord Aendyr and I were the rear guard. He looked rather tense, which was my own feeling too. The Crusaders have a knack for getting carried away with things.

Weird noises began to come from the ceiling, like someone was moaning rather hammily. “You okay up there?” Lady Aendyr asked, sounding worried.

“Sorry, we couldn’t figure out how to get the noise machines to work, so we’re having to do the wailing of the damned ourselves,” Sweetie said apologetically.

“Don’t undercut my wailing!,” Scootaloo said, sounding irritated.

“Ghouls wail like this,” Dinky said and began a really horrible loud wailing that made it hard to focus.

Which is how Ivan stepped on a pressure plate. “Dammit!” he said and now a series of panels slid open and a half dozen shambling figures stepped out of hidden wall niches. They felt intensely magical to me, and looked like sickly humans with claws instead of fingernails.

“You could let them do their own wailing,” Marcus pointed out and now the three of them levelled sword, axe and hammer at the oncoming ghouls. “Don’t let them touch you.”

Twilight fired a barrage of lightning balls which left the ghouls staggering and twitching and then I fired arrows into the eyes of two of them. Lord Aendyr was studying them even as Lady Aendyr, Ivan, and Marcus fell on them. Marcus’ sword took off the outstretched arms of one foe and Ivan smashed in the skull of a second one even as Lady Aendyr felled a third with a series of axe blows. She was laughing as she kicked that one into a fourth and then hacked him as he went down, while Marcus narrowly dodged the fifth and then kicked him down and stabbed him from behind over and over as Twilight blasted him with glowing darts in the face. “Sorry, Twilight, I left you open,” Marcus apologized.

“It’s okay, he would have gotten you,” Twilight said.

The last ghoul tried to flee but Ivan threw his hammer at him, knocking him down and then Lady Aendyr hacked his arms off and he died. All of them crumbled into darkness and evaporated.

“Shadow creatures,” Lady Aendyr said hesitantly.

“I’ll just ca… oh, it’s over,” Lord Aendyr said, then looked embarrassed. “Yes, shadow conjurations. I would imagine young ponies would have a hard time rounding up a lot of real monsters.”

“The stupid will-o-the-wisp lured us into quicksand,” Twist grumbled.

“That’s what they do,” Lady Aendyr said. “Lure their prey into terrain which traps them so they can feed on your despair.” She began cleaning her axe and Marcus his sword. “Man, I remember the first time we met ghouls, we had to run for our lives.”

“You two ran, carrying me, because I got hit,” Marcus said, laughing softly. “Then we got lost in the woods for a *week*.”

Ivan began carefully poking the ground ahead, Twilight sallying forward with him to give him enough light. “Don’t go too far forwards,” Lord Aendyr said.

“I know,” Ivan said. “Just doing this while the slowpokes clean up.” He grinned a little.

“I’m ready,” Lady Aendyr said.

Marcus finished, but his sword didn’t have a proper sheen, so I polished it as well, while Ivan slowly drifted further and further forward. “Come on, slowpokes,” Ivan said. “Twilight and I will take all the treasure if you don’t keep up.”

“Ivan, that wouldn’t be nice at all!” Twilight said frantically. “We’re not going to steal all the treasure!” she said, turning back to face us.

I wonder if there will be any real treasure; shadow conjuration treasure would fade away with time and the Crusaders don’t have piles of it lying… where does Keraptis get his treasures? Beyond the gems, which I know he mines.

“Oh, so is this really Scootaloo in disguise?” Marcus said, laughing and starting forwards.

“I’d disguise myself as someone way cooler than Twilight,” Scootaloo said. “Like Rainbow Dash! Or Princess Luna. Or Daring Doo.”

“That wasn’t you at the party, was it? Someone disguised themselves as Daring Doo for some reason and… I thought it was Dash,” I said, embarrassed.

“Of course it wasn’t me, I was CHASING the Oard, but it got away!” Scootaloo said, frustrated. “Our best lead ever and we blew it, dammit.”

Of course it couldn’t be her. Think clearly, Rarity, I told myself. I can’t afford any mistakes.

“These devil faces… they have really strong magic,” Twilight said hesitantly.

“Don’t touch them, they either destroy anything that goes in the mouth or teleport you somewhere naked,” Marcus said. “I think it’s an imported Alphatian tradition.”

“It’s generally thought to have been brought back by adventurers who visited a Parallel Prime Plane,” Dinky said. “Back in the time of Blackmoor. From an alternate Blackmoor. The Nithians revived it as an image of Thanatos and his all-devouring maw. Various other civilizations then found Nithian ruins and copied the concept.”

Twilight grumbled about research materials and short notice.

“Looks kind of like that time Albinus had that intestinal disease,” Lady Aendyr said, then laughed.

Ivan laughed too, but Marcus gagged. “Don’t remind me. We couldn’t… dammit, we don’t have a healer in this party. And I don’t have any potions any more.”

“I have a half-dozen in this nifty jacket,” Ivan said, sticking his hand in a pocket and pulling out a blue liquid. “Luna was kind enough to arrange to have the pockets turned into bags of holding for me.”

“And I brought a couple of disease cures and healing potions on the trip, just in case,” Helga said, touching her backpack.

I have a full load of material for clothing emergencies myself, but I should see about having things for this sort of situation. I felt rather underdressed.

“This is why staying out of the reach of monsters is better than rushing in to get yourself eaten and need healing,” Lord Aendyr said gruffly.

“Easy to say when we’re up here ensuring nothing rushes you,” Ivan said, frowning and then turned back towards the direction we were going. “Anyway, let’s get going.”

Honestly, given it’s just the Crusaders running this, if the first fight is any indication, nothing is going to hurt us really anyway.

*********************

“AAAAA!” I screamed. We had reached the first natural cave, which like all limestone, looked far too much like hardened snot. There were stalagmites and stalactites and places where they grew together and we had to walk carefully on slick stone because it was very wet. We were gradually circling the cave to get a feeling for how many exits there were; in places, patches of fungus grew somehow despite the lack of light. Unfortunately, the first tunnel was full of bats and now they had rushed us, not trying to hurt us but panicking all over us as we panicked; Lord Aendyr was screaming about bats and staggering and I kept crashing into pillars and I could feel bats using me as a toilet or snagging on my clothing and Marcus kept shouting ‘Camazotz’, whatever that means and I couldn’t see anything but Twilight chanting and how could I see her chanting?

Lord Aendyr tried to cast a spell but the magic went wild and I felt knots of power crashing into everything and then exploding into spiders. Giant purple spiders the size of a normal pony. One jumped onto Twilight, who began rolling around with it. One tried to jump onto Lady Aendyr, who grabbed it by the front legs and began bashing it into a pillar, shouting angrily. A third knocked down Lord Aendyr, who was digging desperately in a pocket and screaming. And the fourth appeared under Marcus and fled with him stuck on top of it, yelling as it carried him into the darkness; I could hear him trying to cast a spell and shouting my name.

“Rarity, save dumbass,” Ivan shouted but I couldn’t see him and I wasn’t sure who he meant. Probably Lord Aendyr but sometimes he does call Marcus dumbass and then they wrestle and… I couldn’t find Marcus, anyway and I’m guessing Ivan sees in the dark now, though maybe I could follow the screaming.

Twilight teleported out from under her foe and lifted it into the air and began to spin it in place as it made odd, frantic chittering noises, then began to spew a purple liquid out of its mouth which stuck to things and turned into goo. This stirred me to action and I tried to flip the spider off Lord Aendyr; this only rocked it gently to my frustration but it did distract it long enough for him to pull a wand and jam it into the creature’s underbelly; lighting washed over it, spreading in tendrils along its carapace and it stumbled off and now couldn’t move coherently at all while Lord Aendyr rolled over and threw up breakfast, kneeling over his own vomit like he was going to… I hated that biology lesson.

I had forgotten it.

“Thank you,” he said weakly to me even as Lady Aendyr took her foe, hit the one which had been on her own husband and knocked that one into Twilight’s foe and they all crashed into the wall and blew up in a puff of smoke.

“Rarity, I need a clean up,” Ivan said; he and Marcus stumbled out of the dark, covered in purple goo. “When this hardens, we won’t be able to move.”

*That* I could do. “You’re welcome, Lord Aendyr,” I said, then washed the gunk off Marcus and Ivan with my magic. The bats had fled, I noticed. I guess all the magic and violence panicked them.

Then I heard a rattling noise in my saddle bag; three bats came out when I opened it as I stared. They circled me once and fled into the darkness.

“Twist, you put the wild magic zone in the wrong room,” Scootaloo grumbled.

“It’s in the right room! Look!” Twist said.

“Thanks for the warning,” Lady Aendyr said, grinning a little, then turning to her husband. “I’m sorry I didn’t come help you quicker, honey but I had a dance partner.”

“It’s okay, I somehow summoned them with a burst of wind spell,” he said, frowning. “I’m not sure what went wrong.”

“Your casting got disrupted and the magic went wild,” Twilight said, patting his arm with a hoof. “Happens to everyone.”

“Never got attacked by spiders before, though,” Marcus said, looking around and peering into the darkness though I doubt he could see anything. “Not from a spell misfire.”

“You can’t get wiped out until you get to where my genius will wipe you out,” Scootaloo said urgently.

“You okay, Rarity?” Sweetie asked me.

“I’m fine, thank you,” I told her. I don’t think Sweetie is suited by nature to run a dungeon, which is for the best, really.

“Press on! We gotta finish this before our curfew,” Apple Bloom said urgently. “Uncle K says it’s rude to leave your guests unwatched and alone.”

“Sometimes a lady does want her privacy, but I think we’re ready to go on,” I said, looking at everyone.

“I’m ready,” Lord Aendyr said, sighing as he and his wife brushed him off. “I should have brought something darker.” He was in traditional Blackhill robes, which is to say, they started as white and we may be cleaning them for a week after this.

Soon, we were ready to start exploring the rim some more.

************************

The cave had five tunnels leading away from it. I guessed that likely each of the Crusaders dreamed up what’s down each tunnel; this central cave really didn’t have anything dangerous or exciting once the bats were all gone. Hopefully not swarming across the countryside.

We ended up letting Lady Aendyr pick the first one; she choose the furthest left one. The tunnel began to slope down and became slicker. Twilight and I could handle it with our horseshoes, but everyone else had to slow down some to avoid slipping on the wet stone. Lord Aendyr had to grab stalactites several times and at one point, Marcus stopped moving, Twilight crashed into him from behind and he went sliding down in front of everyone, then Ivan tried to sprint up to help him, tripped and they crashed into each other and both tumbled as Lady Aendyr ran after them until Twilight lifted them both into the air just shy of an underground stream. Lord Aendyr began laughing, then nearly fell on me in the process.

“I am sorry, Countess Rarity,” he said, bowing to me.

“I think you should ride me,” I told him. “Until we get to where the footing is easier.”

I heard Marcus make the ‘disapproval but I think no one can tell’ noise. When he just barely is containing his disapproval of something, he makes that noise. I’m sure sometimes he does hide it but I am getting good at seeing through his feints. Anyway, he may not like it, but it is only logical for me to do it; I am stronger than Twilight and we need to stay in the back. So I chose to ignore it because otherwise this would turn into a stupid argument.

I just wish they would get along!

I had a sudden moment of intense sympathy for Sweetie, who just wishes this all the time.

Lord Aendyr glanced at Marcus, Marcus frowned at him, then he said, “I accept your gracious offer if it will not get in the way of you performing your duties.”

Lady Aendyr licked her lips, then pulled Marcus aside and talked to him quietly. Marcus sighed and nodded and Lady Aendyr nodded to me.

“It will not,” I told him. “I should practice, anyway, since Marcus and I will likely want to do this together in the future.”

He did not grimace as I feared, but Marcus smiled a little smile and I relaxed. One crisis averted.

But I am going to go mad if they keep wishing each other ill.

*********************

We splashed across the stream into a cave full of pools of water and even more stalactites and stalagmites. Some of the pools looked very deep, though the water tended to be kind of milky and hard to see through. Ivan kept poking away with his pole, then stopped and pointed at a stalactite. “Light that up, please.”

Twilight made it glow and he studied it. It looked like an ordinary stalactite to me, but he said, “Piercer, go around it.”

“If you go around it, it can’t fall on someone!” Scootaloo said, sounding aggravated. “I was counting on a good laugh!”

“Don’t go confirming guesses!” Apple Bloom said irritably. “Rule eight, right here, don’t confirm guesses!”

I heard a hoof strike paper.

“Did Keraptis give you a Dungeon Master’s Code of Conduct?” Marcus asked, amused.

There is a code of conduct? That’s somewhat reassuring, really. Every profession needs standards.

“How did you know?” Apple Bloom asked and Marcus laughed more. “Don’t laugh at me! I’m a big pony now!”

“Yeah, and you still haven’t told us all the adult secrets even though we’re grown up now,” Scootaloo said.

Sweetie made an odd noise and now I could hear them all badgering her about whatever exactly she was thinking about. While they bickered, I turned to my friends. “Marcus, what makes a piercer fall?”

“They sense prey by heat, I think,” Marcus said hesitantly. He looked at Twilight.

“I don’t know, I got drafted at the last minute and didn’t research AT ALL,” she said miserably. “I am completely unprepared for this. I don’t even have Spike.”

“Cadence will take good care of Spike,” I told her. “She seems like a very nice lady.”

“Oh, she will but I guess I am used to having him here,” Twilight said. “I’m going to fret about him a lot.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll help you out all I can once you’re out of the dungeon. When I’m not in school or hunting Oards or … family stuff,” Dinky said, suddenly trailing off at the end.

“Hmm…” Marcus said, then fired off a burst of flame under the piercer. It dropped down to the ground, WHACK, then dissolved away into shadows which evaporated.

“It attacks by killing itself in a fall?” Lord Aendyr said, as confused as I was.

“I’m guessing the shadow material can’t handle the impact well,” Marcus said. He fired bursts of flame under all the stalactites, which took a while but about half of them fell down and killed themselves.

“I HATE YOU! You ruined it!” Scootaloo said angrily. “You were supposed to run around in terror and keep running under new ones so you would get attacked again and run more! I had music ready to go and everything.”

Lively saxophone music began to play.

“That was not the cue, Sweetie!” Scootaloo said irritably.

“And now I need a little rest after casting that over and over,” Marcus said weakly, leaning on a stalagmite.

“I’m not Sweetie!” Twist said and now more command chamber bickering ensued.

“A real wizard wouldn’t be tired from that,” Lord Aendyr said cheerfully.

“A real noble wouldn’t rub it in,” Marcus said.

“Enough,” I said firmly. “No more fighting.” I looked them both in the eye as best I could.

“You’re right,” Marcus said, sighing. “Just give me a minute.”

Ivan scouted around a little with Twilight while the rest of us stayed with Marcus. Lady Aendyr didn’t quite sit down by him, just… I’m not sure how she balanced down so low, kind of doing this thing with folded legs but not sitting… They talked quietly, so I said to Lord Aendyr, “Your wife has been teaching me some magic of your people.”

“Yes, not many Ponies have been initiated into our arts, though Sugar Sparkle’s father is. A lot of my family is very… insular,” he said after a long hesitation. “We are Alphatian in descent and our ancestors were quite sure they were the greatest of all wizards. And passed that on to their children. There’s a lot of conflict between those more stuck in their ways and those who recognize that if we stay locked in our shell, the world will pass us by,” he continued, then sighed. “I opened my eyes to new places and things at the Great School of Magic. But I’ve seen lots of new things on this trip too.” His voice dropped and became soft. “Equestria is very different from my homeland, even from the Pony part of it.”

“So you’ve been to Dream Valley?” I asked.

“Sugar Sparkle’s father, Honey Crunch, went to school with me at the Great School of Magic. There was some sort of messup in records and we ended up as roommates.” Lord Aendyr laughed loudly. “That was a shock for both of us.”

“Did he have some kind of honey magic?” I asked curiously.

“His cutie mark let him command bees. Mostly to make him honey. Which he ate on everything,” Lord Aendyr said. “And still does. He has this ultimate spell where he calls up a huge air elemental and fills it with bees.”

I shivered at the thought.

“Anyway, I invited him and his wife to come but they had too much work. He normally vacations in the winter, when there’s nothing to help fertilize or raid for pollen to make honey,” Lord Aendyr said. Then he glanced off at Twilight and Ivan. “And he seemed… He wanted Sugar to see Equestria but seemed afraid of coming himself.”

“He would have been most welcome,” I told Lord Aendyr. “I understand your wife has had some problem with people who can’t accept her in your land.”

His face darkened and his eyes flashed. “Yes, and it angers me. Moreso because there is only so much I can do about it.” He paused. “Do the different kinds of Pony intermarry in Equestria?”

“It’s less common but does happen,” I told him. “Scootaloo has a Pegasus parent and an Earth Pony parent. But also sometimes, though it’s rare, Ponies will give birth to a different kind of Pony because of past intermarriage.”

He nodded, but now Ivan said, “Dammit, I’ve seen this door before.”

We could see him and Twilight off in the distance; I could vaguely make out a door in the wall by Twilight’s horn glow. “Should we come?”

“Yeah,” Ivan said and we all came over, splashing through the cave.

“That’s just like the door you made for testing lockpicking,” Marcus said, studying the wooden door which looked… lost, really, set into a wooden frame in the wall of the cave.

Ivan raised an eyebrow and then got out the Lockpicks of Asterius and touched them to the door, which clicked and unlocked. He poked it open with his pole.

“HEY! You’re supposed to have to unlock it! After HOURS of effort!” Scootaloo said angrily.

“I *told* you,” Dinky said. “I knew that would happen.”

“Please, let’s not have another fight!” Sweetie pleaded.

Ivan tapped the ground beyond it and now a giant pie fell into the wooden hallway beyond.

“So I added that,” Dinky continued and sighed. “Stupid pole.”

“Rarity, if you will?” Ivan asked.

“I can’t eat pie which fell on the floor,” I said.

For a few seconds, he stared at me, then said, “I meant your cleaning magic.”

“Oh,” I said, now embarrassed. I soon had the mess cleaned up and we headed into the wooden hallway.

*****************

This hallway led us to a thirty foot cube room with the exits halfway up the walls and strange bears with mantis heads rappelling down the walls to attack us.

Our staring at the strange sight let the first wave hit the floor and then the battle began in earnest. Lady Aendyr charged one of them, battering him back with the flat of her axe, then hacking at him as he stumbled around. Ivan smacked a second in the head, knocking him back and Marcus held off his foe with his sword, each alternately stabbing and dodging. Twilight seized two of them with her magic and hurled them back the way we came in; I heard them land in a pool and then they began yelping and running around as that music played again. I shot the antenna off two of them and they began to wander around, disoriented and I nudged them to wander back out into the cave with the others.

“Well, at least someone is getting hit in the head,” Scootaloo muttered as I heard one of the creatures get hit by a piercer we must have missed.

Lord Aendyr finally finished the spell and sent a glowing blade flying around the room, cutting ropes and causing more of the strange insect-bears to fall down and dissolve away. “A definite weakness.”

“Dammit, Uncle K’s monsters don’t die from a short fall,” Apple Bloom grumbled.

“I’m pretty sure bugbears aren’t mantis-bear hybrids, either,” Twist said.

“The ones on Epsilon Kappa are,” Dinky said firmly.

“How do you know what they’re like in another star system?” Twilight asked as she set Marcus’ foe on fire with his own spell and it dissolved away.

“I’ve been there,” Dinky said.

Dinky makes many wild claims like that but has no proof. I think it’s the imagination of youth.

That was easy but then, the Crusaders aren’t really trying to kill us. At least in theory. I hope they know what they’re doing.

“Hmm, Ivan, you can climb up to one of the doors and pull me up, right?” Lady Aendyr said to him. “Then I can lift everyone up.”

“I can get us up there,” Lord Aendyr said proudly. “Everyone get close to Countess Rarity and myself.”

Everyone gathered around us; I noticed that Marcus didn’t protest this, and gave a sigh of relief. Maybe it’s a good sign. Then he began a long rite and the air under us began to swirl and then we lifted a touch off the ground and the air seemed to almost solidify and the platform lifted us up to one of the three exits.

“Almost as good as my spell, almost,” Dinky said like a father clumsily praising his child. A mother, given Dinky is a filly.

Ivan checked out the tunnel and we stepped into it, once he approved.

“I can never make that work,” Lady Aendyr said ruefully.

“With time you will,” Lord Aendyr said. “I could only lift myself originally.” He let out a great sigh. “That’s the most weight I’ve ever lifted, in fact.”

He and Twilight now began a technical discussion which flew over my head. But which I could not avoid while carrying him. So I listened politely and watched for trouble as Ivan and Lady Aendyr and Marcus led us on.

****************

The hallway soon began to be decorated with pictures of fire elementals doing things like burning the homework of Ponies, forcing them to grow carrots, making them go to bed when the adults stayed up, and other such themes. I had to fight not to laugh very hard at it.

“How… Does this happen often here?” Lord Aendyr asked hesitantly.

“Sweetie made us censor it,” Scootaloo grumbled.

Marcus, Ivan, and Lady Aendyr froze in unison. “STOP,” Marcus said urgently. They stopped advancing.

Twilight crashed into him AGAIN and he fell down. “Marcus! I’m sorry!”

“Do you think…?” Lady Aendyr asked Marcus.

“Can you light up the end of the hallway?” Ivan asked Twilight as he helped Marcus up.

“Yes,” she said and the end of the hallway glowed brightly, showing doors of beaten brass, inset with fancy inlaid red, yellow, and orange jade, showing a huge bonfire. If you looked carefully, you could see salamanders dancing in the fire.

Marcus’ left hand clenched and unclenched and Ivan began to laugh softly, while Lady Aendyr buried her face in her hands. “The Temple of Elemental Evil was in those magazines, I take it?” Ivan said.

“Sal… oh dear.” Twilight said, looking at Marcus.

Lord Aendyr began to laugh loudly.

“There’s going to be braziers past this door, ten of them and EACH of them is going to spawn a damn Salamander. The firey elemental kind,” Marcus said. “There may be a priest by the altar at the far end and there’s a chest which is trapped to hell and BACK.”

“That was a sweet sword in it, though,” Lady Aendyr said appreciatively.

“Yeah, I guess Faisal still has it,” Marcus said. “I… didn’t forget him dying, right?” he said weakly.

“He died twice but we had him raised,” Lady Aendyr said. “But no, he retired once he had enough money for the coffee shop he always wanted.” She sighed. “He probably uses Frostrazor to chop carrots or something.”

“DAMN CARROTS!” Scootaloo shouted.

“Did you have too much coffee?” I asked her. She’s jumpier than usual.

“No, I’m drinking lemonade,” Scootaloo said.

“I got rid of the coffee,” Twist said. “Lemonade’s tastier anyway.”

“Wait, Frostrazor was a sword?” Apple Bloom said.

Marcus rubbed his forehead. “Yes, a two-handed sword made of enchanted ice which froze things it hit. So chopping carrots with it wouldn’t go too well, I think.”

“But I bet you could make some great ice cream with it,” Ivan said thoughtfully. “Which in Ylarum would sell like crazy.”

“I can make ice cream if I had some milk and sugar,” Lord Aendyr said. “Honey Crunch and I worked out a spell for it to combine our powers back in school.” He sounded oddly sentimental.

“So this place is going to be full of fire magic,” I said thoughtfully.

“And damn Salamanders,” Marcus said, shivering.

“Assuming they copied it perfectly,” Lady Aendyr said.

“Well, I have some fire protection magic,” Twilight said, giving a happy sigh. “It’s one of the first things I learned after getting Spike.”

“Did he set something on fire?” Lady Aendyr asked.

“The laundry. He was still a baby and he burped and it all burned,” Twilight said ruefully. “He hasn’t set the laundry on fire in a long time but I am surrounded by flammables all the time. I regret it isn’t a permanent effect, so I could treat the library with it and stop worrying about it.”

She then proceeded to cast a spell on us; I tried to watch her but I couldn’t quite keep up with it despite seeing the flows of magic. Twilight really is a great wizard.

Each of us glowed a soft red now from our protection as Ivan poked at the door. A half dozen times and it wouldn’t open until Lord Aendyr reached out and… pulled the door open. It opened towards us.

Lady Aendyr laughed and now we could see into a long grand hall with many images of fire on the walls; ten huge pots of fire went down the middle of the room in two rows of fire; at the far end, a huge red sandstone altar squatted below a statue of a humanoid figure made out of fire. There were three red gold knives on the altar, next to a large copper bowl.

But no sign of Salamanders, though Marcus said they would be in the braziers.

And no sign of a priest or a chest.

“Hmm, I think it’s time to put out the fires before approaching the altar,” Twilight said.

Lady Aendyr studied everything, studied her aura, breathed in and out, then said, “I can try and put out the fires with some wind.”

“We’re going to be ass-deep in salamanders as soon as we attack the braziers,” Marcus said. “I can try hurling water balls into them. I think I have that spell down.”

“If Rarity and I combine our abilities, I think we can rain down water on all the braziers at the same time,” Twilight said. “While Marcus and Ivan and Lady Aendyr stand ready to fight and… Lord Aendyr can work with us.”

Lord Aendyr looked worried but then he breathed out. “Agreed.”

Marcus shifted back and forth on his feet. “Damn salamanders.”

“It’ll be okay,” Lady Aendyr said, patting his shoulder. “You ready, Ivan, Marcus?”

“Always,” Ivan said, taking his hammer by the strap, ready for throwing.

Twilight and I reached out with our horns; Lord Aendyr cast a spell I did not know and it connected him to us. Ten balls of water, ringed by winds, rushed at the braziers dousing them; ten red-scaled humanoids… sort of humanoids… Salamanders are like the snake equivalent of a centaur with the rear half a red-scaled snake and the front mostly human in shape, though with big pointed ears and red scales.

They were armed with strange spears, red and slightly shiny but not metallic, twisted in a tight spiral like a corkscrew with a half-dozen javelins of the same style in quivers on their backs.

And the air smelled like wet licorice.

“Feel the power of fire-hardened candy!” Twist said proudly.

I now wondered if they were edible.

“At least Brannart is unlikely to show up,” Marcus mumbled and then the battle was joined.

The ten angry Salamanders threw a barrage of javelins at us. I shot four of them out of the sky and felt quite proud, even as Lord Aendyr extended his wind armor to shield both of us; I began to feel a little cold from constant rushing wind but now we were quite safe inside it. Two more came at Lady Aendyr and skidded off her wind armor spell and crashed into the wall, shattering. Marcus desperately dodged two which came at him and now was running around the room, yelling as two Salamanders chased him, hurling javelins. Two hurled javelins at Ivan, who dodged them and counter-threw Whelm, smacking one of them in the chest and knocking him down; he still had his spear but his javelins shattered on the impact with the ground. Then the hammer came back to Ivan.

Twilight paused and began casting some spell, frowning, while Lord Aendyr began thinking hard. I began aiming counter-battery fire at the four who were hurling at Lord Aendyr and I, keeping them on the run so they couldn’t fire at us. ‘What are you two trying to figure out?’

‘None of them attacked me and I don’t know why but it makes me suspicious,’ Twilight told me.

‘Trying to remember if they have any special weaknesses beyond water, but I took that class many years ago,’ Lord Aendyr said, brows furrowed.

“MY ASS!” Marcus shouted as he got knocked into the altar by a hurled javelin. Which.. well, you can tell where he got hit.

I shot the straps of one of his foe’s quiver, causing it to fall off his back, while missiles at us bounced off our wind shield and Lord Aendyr tugged his ears and mumbled under his breath, eyes unfocused.

Lady Aendyr launched herself in a charge at the two who were shelling her. Things didn’t go as well as she planned, though, as one dodged to the side and whacked the back of her knees, knocking her down as the other parried her axe attack barely. She tumbled towards Marcus.

Ivan now nailed his other foe in the chest; he fell and broke his Javelins but now the first one slithered at him on the ground and rose up around Ivan, twining him in its coils, knocking aside Whelm when it tried to return to him.

“Fancy meeting you here,” Lady Aendyr said as she crashed into the altar. It shook and the bowl flipped off, landing on her head like a helm.

“Very stylish,” Marcus said, rising with her as four salamanders closed in on them and they stood… not quite back to back but making a triangle with the altar as their rear guard. It would protect them from attack from behind. Clever.

“DESECRATORS OF MY ALTAR, YOU FIVE WILL PERISH IN FIRE,” the statue announced.

“SIX! SIX!” Twilight insisted. “I’m here too.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were coming and I think I programmed them too rigidly, I’m not used to this, I’m really sorry,” Twist said frantically. “I didn’t mean to be rude and leave you out.”

“I REMEMBER HOW YOU TURNED MY HIGH PRIEST INTO A DUCK AND THEN PUT ON HIS ROBES AND MOCKED ME IN MY OWN TEMPLE, CUFEN,” the statue continued.

“He was evil and trying to kill us! He had it coming!” Marcus protested. “Evil Immortals don’t get to complain when they lose!”

Lord Aendyr made panicky noises and cast a spell, then said, “It’s not the real Imix, just a shadow creature.” But he still eyed it nervously.

Twilight teleported onto the altar. “Time for your BATH!” She began hurling balls of water and Imix… Shadow-Imix counter-fired with balls of fire and soon thick steam began to engulf the far end of the room.

Four salamanders began to close on Lord Aendyr and I, having abandoned throwing things at us.

Ivan concentrated, then cursed. “There’s too much fire, I can’t touch the Plane of Shadow here!” Then he made gurgly noises as he got crushed, his arms pinned. The other Salamander stood by, ready to attack Ivan but unable to do so because his friend’s body was in the way, crushing Ivan.

“Darien, save Ivan!” Lady Aendyr said, then began fending off her foes even as Marcus did the same and hot steam flowed over both of them, hiding them from us.

“HELGA!” Lord Aendyr shouted in a panic.

“Spike, take a… dammit, Spike isn’t here!” Twilight said, turning from excited to angry. I couldn’t see her in the fog but I could hear the chaos within it.

I bolted towards Ivan, away from our onrushing foes and tried to think of a spell or way to get him loose before it was too late. ‘Can you cast a darkness spell?’ I asked him.

He tried but the fire and light dispelled it in a moment and he cursed. He tried a wind blast but it just knocked them both around, making it worse for Ivan and now Lord Aendyr gave a cry of frustration. And now we had FIVE salamanders after us and I was running out of room to move as the battle raged on in the growing fog.

If Ivan had some darkness, but magical… ahah! I felt proud of myself as I yanked a long length of red cloth out of my saddlebags, lifted it into the air and dumped it down over Ivan and his foe, hiding them from all the glittering surfaces in the room. Creating… DARKNESS. Totally mundane but it was enough; when the cloth burned up, there was only the Salamander and now Ivan appeared in the doorway from the hallway. “Thanks, Rarity,” he said.

“Now you can help us,” I told him. Neither of us are really hand-to-hand fighters and without anyone to cover us, we were in trouble. I can scrap if I must but not with a rider.

Another door now opened and a red-robed priest, armed with a long blue-ice blade, charged out. “CUFEN! THIS IS MY REVENGE!”

No, not more foes! I could hear Scootaloo and Apple Bloom making excited noises, while Sweetie sounded worried. And I could hear pages flipping. “Don’t go adding more foes constantly,” I protested.

“Just doing a little research,” Dinky said calmly over the com system.

Lord Aendyr snapped off a spell; a whirlwind hit the priest, who lost control of his blade; it flew through a Salamander, who dissolved away into quickly vanishing shadows. Then Lord Aendyr seized it with more magic and began rotating it around us; our foes kept a wary distance, clearly afraid of it, as the priest now tried to rush at us to grab it. I used my magic and tied him up with his own robes, then sent him rolling back the way he came.

Ivan now charged to our aid, bashing down another salamander and breaking his spear and knocking him out; he evaporated and now we had four. Two of them came at him while I shot arrows at a third and the fourth tried to duel Frostrazor but Lord Aendyr now made wind rise under him and slammed him into the ceiling. “Yeah!” he said proudly, then re-directed Frostrazor to aid Ivan. Soon all our foes were down.

The steam now dispersed. Marcus, Twilight and Lady Aendyr were all dripping wet and their clothing was in tatters. Well, Twilight only had her saddlebags. But Marcus was down to mere scraps of clothing and Lady Aendyr was basically in her underwear and backpack, except that the neck of her shirt was still intact. They also looked somewhat baked, though Ivan threw Marcus a potion and Lady Aendyr got one from her pack; they chugged them down and their skin returned to healthier tones. Lord Aendyr dismounted and ran to his wife and I nuzzled Marcus.

“Are you okay?” Lord Aendyr asked.

“I’ve had much worse,” Lady Aendyr said, kissing him and embracing. “However, I need new clothing.” She looked at me.

“Me too,” Marcus said.

“Of course, we can take a break here and I will make new outfits.” That was ugly.

“There’s a chest hidden inside the altar,” Ivan said, pointing Whelm at it. “Twilight and I can crack its defenses while Rarity dresses you two up.”

“I will help if I can,” Lord Aendyr said hesitantly.

Ivan studied him, then said, “Be careful, this thing is trapped to hell and back if it’s like the original one. And you’re not experienced in this kind of thing and if you blow up, Helga’s going to be pissed at me.”

“If I can’t go where she goes, I can’t ask her to go where I go,” Lord Aendyr said, studying the altar now.

Ivan stared at him, made an odd noise, then said, “Done much work with wards?”

I nuzzled Lord Aendyr. “You’re doing fine,” I told him reassuringly, then worried I had been too forward.

He blinked, then patted my head weakly. “Thank you, Countess Rarity.” He turned back to Ivan. “I am versed in keeping Elementals out of things and using Air Elementals to ward things, along with basic magical security.”

“If you can circle the altar with some kind of anti-Elemental ward, that would be a good start,” Ivan said.

He began slowly etching the symbols with Twilight while I turned to making clothing for Marcus and Lady Aendyr. It would have to be a rush job. But I perform well under pressure.

“Hurry up and blow up, watching people scratch the rock is *boring*,” Scootaloo said.

I had all of the whale dress prototypes… but I couldn’t inflict those on Lady Aendyr. I would have to modify them anyway.

But black and white… yes…

I was half finished when they finished ringing the Altar; you could see everything inside the circle stop glowing with fire energy and now Ivan borrowed Marcus’ sword and began cutting the Altar open.

“The door’s on the side,” Twist said hesitantly.

“Which is why I’m avoiding it,” Ivan said, removing the panel of stone. Twilight now pulled the chest out and set it atop the Altar. The three of them disarmed it as Lady Aendyr and Marcus traded memories of the old days and got suited up by me.

“Tell me we didn’t leave Allistair as a statue forever,” Marcus said, rubbing his forehead.

“That was the start of the series of quests to pay for the last quest’s ending,” Lady Aendyr said, shaking her head. “Finally, we were all okay, and then Cindi lost all our money gambling.”

Ivan made grumbly noises; something began to glow near him and Twilight burned it. “Thanks, Twilight,” he said. “Don’t reminisce so loudly when I’m dealing with stupid numbers of traps.”

“HAHHAHAHAHA,” Scootaloo began to chortle. “Now you know how it feels.”

“So you’ve forgotten a lot of it,” Lady Aendyr said to Marcus.

“It’s easier to remember with you here,” Marcus said, studying the floor as I fitted his new shirt. “I’ve missed you a lot, you know.”

“Me too,” Lady Aendyr said, then sighed. “Of course, you *could* visit.”

“Maybe next summer or during the winter when school is out,” Marcus said, lifting his arms at my command. “While I’m teaching, I can’t really go anywhere.”

“School is totally boring,” Scootaloo said.

“I like school,” Twist replied and they all began bickering about school while I tried to avoid jabbing my coltfriend with pins and Ivan finally asked Twilight to cast a silence spell around them so he didn’t have to listen.

“You should be grateful. There are no schools in Karameikos for children,” Lady Aendyr said loudly to the kids. “I couldn’t read at your age, I’d never been more than ten miles from home and I didn’t know *anything* except how to grow potatoes and wheat.”

“And chop things,” Marcus pointed out, smiling a little.

“And how to cut wood and burn it, yes, but who doesn’t know that?” Lady Aendyr said.

“I’ve never cut wood,” Twist said.

“Me neither,” Sweetie said.

“Or me,” Scootaloo confessed.

“That’s because you all are lazy town people,” Apple Bloom said irritably. “I had to chop wood today. With my tail!”

“I’ve seen wood chop itself,” Dinky said proudly.

…

“I can burn it, though! I help run the ovens and everything at home,” Twist said proudly.

Ivan finally finished the chest and opened it with his lockpicks. Carefully he opened it and found…

Several dozen candies, carefully wrapped. Very tasty but… well, candy.

Ivan stared, mouth open.

“My finest candy! There is no greater treasure!” Twist said proudly.

Ivan buried his face in his hands and Marcus made choking sounds, while Lady Aendyr laughed loudly. “Thank you, Twist.”

But then, it is the Crusaders. They don’t have great treasures to hand out, though… “Where did you get Frostrazor?”

“Uncle K threw it in with some of the dungeon building gear, and some other neat stuff too. A real dungeon needs real treasure, he said,” Apple Bloom said. “Also, I gave him ten barrels of cider for it all.”

“I hope AJ knows you did that,” Marcus said.

Apple Bloom laughed nervously. Oh dear.

******************

We were somewhat lost, having had to run away from a pack of Leucrotta, strange badger/stag crossbreeds with an added power to subvert your mind with their whisperings, which is why one of them is now wearing Marcus’ hat, much to his aggravation. But there were too many of them and now we were running through room after room; luck or maybe the pity of the Crusaders kept us from being killed and when we fell down a chute, the Leucrotta finally lost us.

We now landed inside this giant spinning chamber full of clothing and proceeded to tumble around inside it while it tried to bake us alive. Twilight managed to cast her fire protection spell again or we would have been in serious trouble. Finally, though, it stopped tumbling and began making this awful buzzing noise.

The clothing was quite odd; it was all full body suits with shirts and pants attached to each other and weird clamps to hook on… footwear, I assume. None was present. It had many pockets and was made of shiny material of various colors: blue, black, green, red, white, and yellow.

When the top of the huge spinning box we were in opened, giant golems began taking out the clothing and sorting it into huge baskets. We managed to ride out by clinging to clothing, which was easier for everyone who was not me. However, Twilight just lifted me out.

The whole room was a giant mechanized laundry run by golden golems; the chute we’d fallen into now discharged more wet laundry into the machine.

“These look like the suits from the Beagle,” Twilight said, eyes wide.

“Beagle, darling?” I asked, confused.

“Holy shit, this is duplicating part of the Beagle?” Marcus said, clearly shocked.

“It’s from the Warden, to be precise,” Dinky said. “If you were on the Beagle, you’d have its rearing dog logo, whereas you’ll notice the shield symbol over the heart.”

Each outfit did have such a logo but also a second log; each color had its own logo, I soon noticed. I snagged some of the outfits for later study; they gave me ideas.

There was a loud chime and now voices began to speak in a language even Twilight didn’t know. Not well, anyway. “Something about intruders,” she said hesitantly.

The golems all turned and looked at us.

“That is US,” Lord Aendyr said and soon had us all flying towards the door on a pillar of air as giant golems fired at us and we dodged desperately. Twilight began firing lighting at them, but they seemed resistant and fire and water balls rolled off them too.

However, the door into this room was only ten feet tall and we flew down and ran out it; the golems, I noticed, could not fit through the door. Or the giant laundry baskets.

We fled down a long metal hallway; I was impressed by how much the Crusaders had built and a little worried how they could build it all so quickly.

But for now, I focused on running as more but smaller golden golems poured through the doorways after us.

*********************

We managed to lose the golems by jumping through a portal, which put us in a long ten foot wide hallway which led into a ninety foot by ninety foot square room with a twenty foot ceiling; another hallway led out of the room via the left wall of the room and by the far wall was a sarcophagus of some long dead Nithian pharaoh; he’d inscribed himself into the lid, holding his staff and… the other thing. Crook? A flail? Anyway, Twilight said, “I doubt that’s the real Jozer, but it looks like him.”

In addition, there were sixteen bugbears (the normal ones, not half-insect/half-bear monstrosities), all in various combat poses, not moving at all, sprinkled randomly around the room.

“Could be a chess puzzle,” Ivan said thoughtfully.

“But they don’t have any accessories to indicate which is which piece and there’s no grid,” Lady Aendyr said, studying the whole thing. “Probably they all just come to life and attack when you disturb the sarcophagus.”

“Not a place you’ve been?” Lord Aendyr asked her.

“We haven’t been everywhere, though I guess we did get around a lot,” Lady Aendyr said, sighing. “Sorry, honey.”

“There were no bugbears in Nithia,” Twilight said, frowning. “It breaks vermillisitude.”

“Well, I just copied the journal,” Sweetie said apologetically. “This isn’t one of my better ones but we were in a hurry.”

“The one where you have to sing your way out is much better,” Twist said.

“Don’t go dumping spoilers!” Scootaloo protested. “Rainbow Dash never dumps spoilers.”

“Rainbow Dash spoils EVERYTHING the second she learns it,” Twist said chidingly. “The second she reads one of the Daring Doo books, she tells everyone on Mystara what happened. Before I can read it myself.”

Twilight felt out the room and said, “Ahh, they’re in temporal stasis. Each time someone passes through the doorway, four of them wake up.”

“I have the perfect idea. If everyone rides in my saddlebags, we can all enter at once and only wake up four,” I said, feeling proud of myself.

“Hey! That’s not the answer!” Sweetie protested.

“Well, what is?” I asked.

“You have to…” The sounds of Sweetie being prevented from talking now broke out over the PA along with a lot of shouting.

We decided to follow my plan, though Lady Aendyr just rode me in so she could deploy to cover the others climbing out. The four charged us, but she took one out with her first swing and pinned two more in a duel but I had to dodge the fourth with Ivan hanging half-in and half-out of my saddlebag, making motion sickness noises as he whipped out; Twilight teleported out and hurled the one charging me away so I could stop and let the others out, then flung the two on Lady Aendyr at a wall.

They all now charged at the doorway for some… oh dear. Before we could stop them, they ran through the door in a line, waking up all the others.

I will never remember the rest of that fight clearly; someone shoved a sack over my head and I panicked, flinging things everywhere and shouting about monkeys and kicking anything that got too close. I heard a lot of thumping and shouting and bashing and Lord Aendyr screaming about morningstars have nothing to do with the morning.

Finally, Twilight pulled the sack off my head and I calmed down and there were evaporating bugbears everywhere and Marcus and Lord Aendyr were lying on the ground breathing hard, next to each other until they saw the other and rolled on their sides to not look at each other. There was no body in the coffin, just thousands of copper coins and several thousand silver. Four gems caught my eye: a ruby, an agate, a moonstone and an amethyst. There was also a flat piece of metal with a circle at one end, just the right size to lie flat on Ivan’s palm.

Ivan began slowly shoving coins in his left pocket and then Twilight helped him with magic; I took the gems and Ivan passed the flat metal object to Marcus who studied it with Lady Aendyr.

“Magical key,” Marcus said. He looked at Lady Aendyr, who nodded. “Probably to the exit from the dungeon.”

“Collect them all!” Apple Bloom said proudly.

I watched Ivan dump coins; it’s going to take forever to stack all those to take to the bank. At least I can buy some nice cloth with my cut; I used up a lot of my best fabric on the outfits for the visit.

And then it was time to move on.

*****************

I began to wonder how long we’d been in here. We do need to get enough sleep for the trip tomorrow. “Sweetie, honey, what time is it?” I asked her.

“Granny Smith’s calling us for dinner, but we’ll be back soon as we can,” she said.

“I am starving,” Lord Aendyr said. “I think it’s time for us to go home and have dinner.”

“Well, umm.. we kind of teleport blocked it so you’ll have to make your way back unless you get the keys,” Sweetie said, laughing nervously. “I think we may have overdone it.”

“We’ll be back as soon as we finish dinner,” Apple Bloom said. “We can save the rest for another time. I’ll figure out something.”

And then we heard them gallop off.

We were in a room which had been full of traps but now was just a stone room with three exits. “Hmm, I can try and summon some food,” Twilight said but to her frustration, it didn’t work. Probably the same reason she can’t just teleport out.

“I’m surprised they have wards which work on my level of power,” Twilight said and reached out with her magic studying it.

A chime went off. “No cheating,” the voice of Keraptis now said and suddenly the floor opened and we all tumbled down three different chutes; I went rolling along with Lord Aendyr, and saw Ivan and Twilight go down one and Marcus and Lady Aendyr. We tumbled until we landed on a pile of mattresses in a room full of abandoned mattresses. It wasn’t very dangerous but it was hard to get around because my hooves kept driving through the mattress covers. Lord Aendyr finally lifted me with his magic and got me to the nice stone hallway which soon opened into a natural cave.

“Great, my wife’s stuck with the doombringer,” Lord Aendyr grumbled.

“Marcus is not a doombringer,” I said sharply. “He is not going to let her get hurt if he can help it. She’s important to him, you know. And him to her.”

“I know,” he said, staring off across the cavern. “She’s been very excited to make this trip ever since you invited her. She really likes you.”

“I like her too. And we both… would at least like you and Marcus to not chew on each other. I know you can’t just will yourself to like someone but this constant hostility is driving us both crazy.” I tried to be firm without being too pushy, since I have… he doesn’t have to listen to me.

You’d think after being apart for so long, they’d get over it. I hope Spike gets over it while he’s off with Cadence, but if these two can’t let go after years… But I won’t give up. I can at least try here in ways I can’t with Spike, since it’s all about me with him but not with Marcus and Lord Aendyr.

I hoped I might have more luck with him than I did with Marcus.

“How can you love someone who is always surrounded by death and devastation?” Lord Aendyr asked me, sounding baffled. “Chaos follows him everywhere. I met him when I was trying to go buy some dinner and he comes running down the street, screaming, being chased by a half dozen cockatrices. Even in Glantri City, that’s unusual. I didn’t react fast enough and I would have been turned to stone if not for Helga picking me up as she ran by and saving me. It’s how we met.” His voice was distant and hard to read. “He and Ivan ruined our first date by first following us and then getting themselves busted for some kind of expired license problem and Helga worried about them the rest of the night and had to go bail them out.”

“I met Marcus when he and Ivan were about to drown in a river in the Malpheggi Swamp and we pulled them out,” I told Lord Aendyr. “I never expected to fall in love with him. He was not at all the sort of stallion I had fallen for before.” I paused, rethinking. “Well, he had one thing in common with the best of them. He was hugely charming. He treated me as the lady I had always dreamed of being. He looked rough but he was a gentleman. Still, it gradually crept up on me. It was only around the time we returned to Equestria that I could admit it to myself fully.”

I stepped into the cave finally and we talked as we began to circle the walls, trying to see what ways led out and if we could find a tunnel back the ways I think the others went.

“I was mad for her within minutes of us meeting. That smile… she has the most natural smile. There is no pretense in anything she does. When she loves, she loves and when she hates, she hates and her smile is never pasted on and neither is her anger. My family… we tend to all be tightly controlled and we’re always acting, even with each other a lot of the time. Being what nobles must be, doing what nobles must do.” His hand trailed along the wall as we went. “Helga is my truth in the middle of lies and fronts and posturing.” He sighed. “I suppose I must sound as if Glantri is hell. It’s not, or I would leave. But it makes demands and with her, I am freed of those demands.”

My hooves splashed in little puddles. These natural caves are all so wet. And filthy. I suddenly became keenly aware that my forelegs were rather filthy from splashing water and I forced myself clean with magic, knowing it would soon get dirty again.

Why must the world be that way?

“She loves you very much; just from her letters, I know that,” I told him.

“I still don’t know why,” he said softly. “Why me, of all people.”

I nearly tripped at that. “You’re married and you don’t know why she loves you?” How is that even possible?

“A woman like her could have any man. I mean, she’s told me why she loves me but there’s a million people like me and only one of her,” he said urgently. “I am not someone who women normally fall in love with.” Then he mumbled something about Marcus.

“If she wanted him, she could have had him long before she ever met you or he met me,” I told him. It can’t just… Do they just never talk about how they feel to each other? She practically gushes in her letters to me.

“I… what? No, I have no fear of that,” he said firmly, hand still trailing on the wall, though his fingertips had to be stained with fungus and mold by now. “It’s that he’s going to get her hurt or killed. Everyone around him suffers disasters and he sails on, untouched and uncaring. He’s a bird of ill omen, a dead albatross, a disaster, a… I can’t think of the right metaphor,” he said in frustration. Frostrazor, floating along in the air after him, carried by a little whirlwind for him, now bobbed about as if mirroring his emotions. Maybe it was. “I fear he will doom you one day and run.”

“Marcus never abandons those he cares about,” I said firmly. “He is afraid sometimes, so afraid.” I shivered in memory. “But he would not abandon even you, who hates him, for Lady Aendyr’s sake. He loves her, I know. Like a sister.”

“I wouldn’t drag my sister into deadly situations and I don’t even like her very much,” Lord Aendyr said, frowning. “Haven’t you heard all their stories this whole trip about people turning to stone and getting eaten and having to be rescued from the Quasi-Elemental Plane of Ice?”

“She wants to be here,” I told him. “I think she misses it sometimes. The old days.”

I think I missed the Plane of… there’s a Plane of Ice?

I fear I will have to find time to study more metaphysics, especially if we become Immortal. The very idea boggles me, I will confess. I cannot let Twilight go alone or Marcus too but I never dreamed that large.

But there is no Immortal dedicated to fashion, so I definitely know what my niche will be. Some of the Immortals dress as if Snips and Snails picked out their outfits. While drunk and half-asleep. Not that colts their age should ever be drunk.

Admittedly, it’s a lot harder for Ponies to get drunk than humans. I believe it has to do with body mass. But I never seek to get drunk, anyway. It isn’t elegant.

He gently rapped the wall with a fist, and then sighed deeply. “You’ve done a lot of this sort of thing, right? Dungeons?”

“No, I have had some adventures, but I think Lady Aendyr and Marcus have had twenty times as many. Or more. I had never been in a full-blown dungeon until I met Marcus,” I told him.

Now he made a noise and rapped the wall again. “Well, we’re doing fine so far.” But I could feel his legs tense up, though his face was calm.

“Do not worry. I have survived White Plume Mountain and this place was created by children.” It’s hard for me to be sure how dangerous this place really is. More than I expected, but we’ve handled it. But still, I am ready to go home and just have a quiet evening and get ready for tomorrow in Canterlot.

Or at least eat, as I didn’t bring any food and now I am starving.

It doesn’t help knowing the Crusaders are eating right now.

“Created by the children to challenge five of us at a time,” he said softly.

My nerves jangled but I put on my war face. I have to be strong for both of us. “We can handle it. We are nobles and wizards.” I am sort of noble. Sort of a wizard. I have a title, but I don’t feel noble.

He sighed and straightened up. “Yes, but you know as well as I how much of nobility is a front. Inside, you know better. I am not indestructible. I don’t know everything.” He paused. “Now I cannot help but remember the time Dona Carlotta tried to be a waitress.” He began laughing loudly.

“Why?” I asked in confusion.

“She and Marcus were seeing each other when I started seeing Helga. After Marcus turned my poor Monsters’ Fair party into a travesty, they and Ivan tried to make it up to me by ensuring that Helga and I would have a perfect date. Which they completely destroyed by their efforts to help.” He grumbled to himself. “I *told* him it was a costume party, but he panicked anyway… Lady Jerbat will probably never forgive me or him for throwing all that holy water on her.” He buried his face in his hands.

“This happened on the date?” I asked, confused.

“No, no, we went to Helga’s favorite restaurant, a wonderful sea food place in the style of Sind. And Dona Carlotta tried to disguise herself and be our waitress, to ensure we got the best service. But she had no experience waitressing and became completely overwhelmed and then one of the customers… well, he touched her posterior and Marcus, who had been… I don’t know where. He freaked out and everything went to hell and none of us are allowed within 100 feet of it now.” He sighed.

I couldn’t help but laugh. “A lady’s posterior is something not to be touched without permission,” I said. “And I know he loved her deeply.” I wish he would be nicer to Herr Otto, though. “And don’t say it.”

“She’s only angry with him because he didn’t tell her who he was when he first saw her again. Not because he left her and I can’t understand that,” Lord Aendyr said, sounding confused.

We finally reached a tunnel; it seemed to go the right way, heading upwards; it was… I think someone widened a natural tunnel. “Shall we?” I asked him.

“Sure, I have no idea where to go,” he confessed.

“They chose to break up for fear of her mother,” I told him. “He didn’t abandon her. But he didn’t have to lie to her later. That’s why she’s angry.” I understand why he did it. He lied to all of us but… his fears were too great. But I understand them. He was so hurt when he met us. Slowly worn away like the rocks under a waterfall. He is stronger now.

And having Lady Aendyr here makes him stronger. I can see how they had so many adventures together. I wonder if Twilight and Fluttershy and I and everyone come off like that too. I know we’ve all changed from our adventures. Grown closer. They are sisters to me now, dear to me. Even when we fight. But sisters do that sometimes.

We started up the tunnel, him still trailing a hand on the wall, me moving carefully because the stone was wet. “If only we had some way to track them, but my divination magics aren’t really good for finding people. If they were books…” He laughed softly.

“Books… Twilight must be carrying some,” I told him. “Do you have to have a specific title?”

“I need a topic,” he said.

Hmm… “History.”

He chanted and waved his arms and I felt the spell go off. “Hmm, the way we’re going. So it could be her or a trap.” He sighed.

“Keep it up; we’ll see if it guides us.”

We’ll see.

***************

It led us to a room with three more tunnels leading out and a high vaulted ceiling. There was a chest by one wall, apparently unguarded but probably locked and trapped. I assumed.

No sign of magical wards. Sending a small air elemental didn’t trigger any traps. Warily, we drew closer to it; I wondered if ‘paranoia’ was one of its traps.

I opened it remotely with telekinesis; nothing happened but you could see a jumble of gold and silver coins in the chest. “It has to be a trap but it’s not an illusion or anything,” Lord Aendyr said, frowning.

We slowly grew closer and I lifted a few coins out and still nothing happened. We crept closer and then…

The wall smashed open and a huge ochre creature broke through the wall; it was like a cross between a human, a lobster, and an ant with huge segmented eyes, huge manibles around its mouth and a hideous roar. Multicolored light rushed out of its eyes at us and I panicked, fleeing down one of the tunnels with the creature in hot pursuit as Lord Aendyr shouted about crumpets.

There was a curtain of beads, huge beads the size of an apple… the shape of apples too, but clearly made out of various colors of pearl. But I didn’t care, just shoved them out of the way and fled through the room, crashing into a barrel being used for a dice game by six hyena-headed humanoids with spears and a seventh, taller one armed with a strange set of three metal rods, connected by short lengths of chain. They would have attacked us, but by the time they hefted their weapons and the dice stopped flying around the room, the huge lobster-ant-man crashed into the room and we left them to fight each other as I fled on screaming and Lord Aendyr cursed someone named Margle for stealing his crumpets.

******************

There was a room like a chessboard, full of human-sized chess pieces but I just raced through it as things blew up and the ground tried to zap me and the pieces tried to attack me and Lord Aendyr randomly blasted everything that caught his attention; wind whipped through the room and I leaped THROUGH the door at the far end.

A hallway led us into a jungle, where weird purple-faced monkeys threw cocoanuts at us with their minds. Twilight would have been fascinated, I was just terrified and I ran and dodged and parried with my magic and threw a whale dress prototype in the face of one of them and Lord Aendyr shouted about how the trees were full of evil elves and they wouldn’t have his sugar.

Then we tumbled down a slope into a lake and finally snapped out of it as we rose, sodden, in the water, which came about halfway up my torso. “Please forget everything I just did,” Lord Aendyr said, trying to squeeze out his clothing.

“I agree that we will never speak of this again,” I told him, looking around the cave. It stretched maybe a hundred feet out to three exits, two of which were rivers feeding into the lake. I decided to head for the dry one.

However, of course, electric eels decided to attack us and we soon were running around desperately dodging them, though once we got across the room, we managed to fling them into the walls with our magics. There wasn’t even any proper treasure. And still no sign of the Crusaders coming back from dinner.

We pressed on to a spiral staircase; four other corridors went on and there was writing on the wall. ‘Ivan and Twilight were here, we went up.’

Finally! Lord Aendyr gave a huge sigh of relief. “We should have marked our trail.” He now carved the wall with Frostrazor and we headed up the staircase.

Halfway up it, however, I felt something cold and strange and Lord Aendyr shivered. “Something’s lurking. Show yourself!” he shouted angrily. “I AM SICK OF THIS SHIT!”

Then he froze and covered his mouth and looked mortified, while I tittered nervously. I was a filthy mess and still rather wet and exhausted and hungry and there had been a distinct lack of gems.

“Hey, ya’ll,” I heard Applejack say. “I’m gonna get you all out of this silly thing as soon as I can. Apple Bloom’s in big trouble for trading cider without asking me.”

“Maybe you can turn it into a tourist attraction and make back the money,” Lord Aendyr said. “I know Ierendi is full of this kind of crazy thing.”

“Hey… that might work,” Applejack said excitedly. “It ain’t like we wuz usin’ these caves for nothin’.” Her accent got thicker as she spoke. “Apple Bloom, how the hay do these controls work, anyway?”

you are not the one, I heard a voice whisper and then the cold retreated.

“Did you hear that?” I asked Lord Aendyr.

He frowned. “I definitely heard something,” I said.

“Scootaloo, quit your bitchin’,” Applejack said to Scootaloo, who I hadn’t heard at all.

“We could send a shadow construction crew to remove the wards, but until the teleport wards go down, there ain’t no way in or out but walking and falling,” Apple Bloom said. “I think we kinda overestimated how much they could cover in one day.”

“We got split up,” I said. “And some creepy invisible thing was whispering about how I wasn’t the one, whatever that means.” I frowned. Clearly it has no taste.

“I’m gonna be pissed if the Oard’s hidin’ in my dungeon,” Apple Bloom said darkly.

“Oards are myths,” Lord Aendyr said firmly.

“They’re real! Cunning Thought wouldn’t lie to us, she’s Celestia’s mother,” Sweetie said. “And people pretended to be Oards at the club, so they have to be real or you couldn’t get anyone to believe your lie!”

Lord Aendyr rubbed his forehead and whispered, “Did you understand that?”

“Twilight, Ivan, Marcus, Helga, any of you hear us?” Applejack asked.

I didn’t hear them but Applejack said, “Okay, that’s Marcus and Helga checkin’ in. What about Twilight? Ivan?”

“I’ll call Uncle K, see if he knows some quicker way to take the wards down,” Apple Bloom said.

“No more puttin’ up wards without my say-so,” Applejack said sternly to Apple Bloom.

We reached the top of the stairs, found the ‘Twilight and Ivan were here’ marker and I said, “We’re on Twilight and Ivan’s trail, so we’ll keep following it.”

“You two okay? Marcus and Helga are kinda’ freakin’,” Applejack said.

“We are filthy messes, exhausted, and hungry and I regret my own birth,” I said miserably. “But other than that, we’re fine.”

“Tell her I miss her,” Lord Aendyr said plaintively. I smiled at that.

“I will,” Applejack said.

We began following a trail of destruction; everything was blown up or smashed up, from traps to golem remnants to the room which was strewn with pine sap and pine branches; Lord Aendyr flew us over that, to my gratitude.

After a while of this and periodically leaving our mark and seeing Twilight and Ivan’s, Applejack said, “Hey, Rarity, you carryin’ any rubies?”

“No,” I told her.

“Well, that won’t do no good and I still don’t know why we can’t reach Ivan and Twilight either,” Applejack said, sounding aggravated.

“Well, they’ve more or less destroyed everything in their path,” I said.

“Wait, don’t the Crusaders have a map of this place?” Lord Aendyr said. “We could probably figure things out better with a map.”

“I can’t find the map! We had this big fancy map and now it’s vanished,” Apple Bloom said, sounding frustrated.

Delightful.

“That was very irresponsible, young lady,” Lord Aendyr said sternly. “No recall mechanism, no map… what kind of Dungeon Master are you?”

Apple Bloom said weakly, “It’s my first dungeon.”

“We just wanted to do something fun for you,” Sweetie said weakly.

“I know y’all meant well but you shoulda asked someone to look over your plans,” Applejack said sternly. “We’ll have to fix all that before we turn this into a tourist dungeon.” I could almost hear coins jingling in her voice. It was odd, more like I’d expect of Clarity.

“Whatever you heard, it wasn’t an Oard; I scanned the entrance to the dungeon and there were no traces of temporal energy,” Dinky said. “It might have been a Shadow that decided you weren’t tasty enough.”

“I’m kinda worried we can’t hail Twilight and Ivan,” Applejack said. “Scootaloo, go find Clarity. Maybe she can magic something up.”

“It had glowing red eyes, I think,” Lord Aendyr said. “But I might have imagined that.”

“Lord Aendyr, your kids are in bed, at least in theory,” I now heard Bon-Bon say. “Lyra sent me to tell you.”

“Thank you, Lady Bon-Bon,” Lord Aendyr said. “I hope they weren’t too much trouble.”

“Once Lyra sleeps for a few days, she’ll be fine,” Bon-Bon said.

I laughed softly, then heard a distant explosion. “I think we’re getting closer,” I told her. Oddly the smell of pine sap was getting stronger.

I heard the sounds of pages flipping. “I am pretty sure there’s some kind of X-ray vision scanner thing around here somewhere…” Apple Bloom said.

We passed a destroyed giant snake statue and smashed up altar and the explosions got louder. We were closing in. I had a bad feeling Twilight had gone berserk and was just destroying everything. Which could be hard to calm her down from. Either that or she was just overreacting to the various threats.

But I was worried about that weird shadowy thing. Who was it looking for? Given the Crusaders didn’t seem to know what it was… what was it and why was it here?

Applejack said something but I couldn’t understand it. “Can you repeat that?”

But now I couldn’t hear her at all, just a staticky sound. Maybe Twilight’s using so much magic it’s frying out the communications?

“We’d best retreat to where we can hear them,” Lord Aendyr said.

I didn’t want to retreat; I had a feeling Twilight needed us. “I think they need us. If nothing else, I may need to calm down Twilight. She wouldn’t do this much damage if she was calm.”

He eyed the scorch marks on the wall, clearly worried about how much damage Twilight could do. I was worried too, but Twilight needed me. I have to help her. “Okay, forwards,” he said hesitantly and we pressed on.

*****************

We could hear Ivan and Twilight shouting and some kind of something howling and then a loud chime went off and I cursed, then tried to cover my mouth and nearly fell down, since I had a passenger.

I tried to press on through the remains of a tunnel which was a tube with metal walls but now there was an odd shimmering field, softly rose colored in front of us. I now realized the field didn’t quite fit the tube… it was square and the tube was round.

It slowly drifted closer and I could see bones floating in the air behind it, though there was something odd about them…

“Well, that is certainly creepy,” Lord Aendyr said.

And now we heard the sound of many feet striking the ground at once behind us. Trapped between foes.

“Let’s try and push it back,” I told Lord Aendyr; it resisted, but we pressed forwards, shoving it out of the tube and into a hallway it fit more closely, whatever it was. But now the foe behind us was catching up.

It was a strange creature, maybe thirty feet long with a draconic head and many legs and a long snakey body. Its scales were metallic blue and lighting crackled around its mouth and nose. We threw ourselves flat when it spat lightning at us, and it blew away the field which dissolved into a gooey looking puddle of liquid.

“Forward, I’ll lift us,” Lord Aendyr said and we sailed over the gunk; the creature briefly froze up when it splashed through the gunk, giving us more room to move. Until we reached a great chasm; the bridge was blown up and I could see flashes of light from a room beyond it. And the creature was closing in.

“I can…” Then Lord Aendyr grimaced. “There’s a huge downdraft; if I try to fly, we’ll likely get pushed into the chasm.”

The creature stalked towards us and I tried shouting for help, but no one could hear us.

“Hopefully the Crusaders were sensible…” Even as I said it, I knew I was foolish to hope that. This thing was intended for *all* of us to fight it.

“If I was a better elementalist, I could get us past the downdraft or turn into an Air Elemental and take this thing out,” Lord Aendyr said ruefully. “Countess Rarity, should this be our tomb, I can at least say I am glad to have met you.”

“Don’t give up,” I told him. “While there is life, there is hope.” Why hasn’t it spat at us again? I could see the lightning around its mouth. “Marcus never gives up.” This was… not entirely true, though he doesn’t give up when it’s important. But my job was to light a fire under his feet.

He winced at that and straightened up. “At the least, it isn’t blasting us again for some reason. It must need time to recharge its power.”

It has to support itself with its legs, so it won’t…

Then I had an idea. I whipped out a length of cloth, flew it at high speed and blindfolded the creature. As I hoped, it couldn’t lift its legs enough to work the blindfold and now it couldn’t see and began to thrash wildly at nothing.

Lord Aendyr studied the chasm and the draft, which I couldn’t see but he could. I haven’t gotten that far in my studies yet. “Do you have any of your shapeshifting candy?” he asked.

“I always carry a few now,” I told him.

“I am trying to think of something we could turn into in order to get across,” he told me.

We were still discussing this when our foe gave a great roar and managed to scrape off his blindfold on the wall. I have rarely been this scared in my entire life. Certainly not since I had to watch Marcus die for us at the gateway to the Hells.

I could feel the air shift as if in anticipation of blasting us to hell and gone, as if a road was somehow building itself in a line forward from the creature’s mouth. I probably imagined it, though I think Pegasi can actually feel that kind of thing and even produce it.

This was the end; if the lightning didn’t kill us, it would likely send us over the edge or it would just rush in on us and eat us. I was readying arrows instinctively but it was too late. We were doomed.

“Oww, dammit,” I heard Lady Aendyr curse and then she grabbed the creature’s head and forced its mouth shut.

…

She’d somehow grown so tall she couldn’t stand up in the hallway and jumped onto the thing from behind and was now grappling its mouth, even as Marcus hacked away at the creature. The good news was that it couldn’t blast us. The bad news was that we were running out of space because the wrestling match between Lady Aendyr and the monster pushed it towards us and left us between a monster and a long fall.

But I had a plan. “In my saddlebags now,” I told him and he clambered in as quick as he could, even as the creature thrashed and got ever closer.

And then I prayed I could make this work. I’ve seen Twilight do it many times, but I never have done it. I know the teleport protocol for replying to a request to teleport in but I could never make teleporting work. But it was our best hope here.

It is a complex weave of magical energies but I do excel at complex work.

And I had to protect Lord Aendyr; he is my guest and it would be unmannerly to let him die.

Ahaha.

This would be so much easier with my element but it was locked away securely. Artifacts should not be used lightly.

I knew where I wanted to land. I reached out and wove the spell, praying that I was not dooming myself and Lord Aendyr to wander the planes or to die. He was counting on me and I would not fail him. For the heart of nobility, the heart of being a true lady, is to live up to your obligations and those who depend on you.

I may not ever be the lady I once dreamed of being. I can see from talking to Lord Aendyr and Lady Aendyr that there are aspects of nobility which would gall me if I had to live them. But true nobility is being someone others can rely on. And aiding others with your abilities.

Even if they want to look like a whale.

I *had* to do this. And so I assembled the spell and released it and felt the world whirl around me; I could see my target destination and where I left at once and then they became one and I felt magic in my veins.

My legacy as a unicorn.

And then the world returned to normal and I was behind Marcus, who was a mess and once again *nearly naked*. His new clothing was reduced to basically a pair of shorts. What is it with this place?

Lady Aendyr now threw the monstrosity into the chasm and it fell out of sight, blasting the side of the chasm with lightning as it fell. “Oh shit, Countess Rarity! Darien!”

“We’re back here,” I told her and helped Lord Aendyr out; Lady Aendyr was so tall she couldn’t actually stand in the hallway, so it looked like her hugging a doll until Marcus dispelled the spell and she shrank down to normal. Her clothing was shredded as well; I felt bad for her as I know that’s very embarrassing to humans.

And painful to me that my work was destroyed so quickly.

Marcus hugged me tightly as well. “Tell me you’re okay.”

“I’m fine,” I told him. I was exhausted from the teleport, though; I may have the finesse for this now but I don’t have Twilight’s raw power. Still don’t.

“Countess Rarity, thank you,” Lady Aendyr said to me warmly. “For protecting Darien.”

“He did his part to protect me as well,” I said and *looked* at Marcus.

Marcus and Lord Aendyr looked at each other. Then Marcus said to Lord Aendyr, stiffly, “Thank you for helping Rarity. When I couldn’t be there for her.”

Lord Aendyr looked stunned, then said, “Countess Rarity is a woman… a mare of many fine qualities.” His lips quirked into a little smile. “I regret you do not live closer to us, Countess. Helga could use a friend like you who she could see more often.” He sighed, then stiffened as if forcing himself to something. “Marcus, you have likely saved my life or at least prevented hideous injury and you have stuck by my wife’s side when she needed you here and brought her back to me as safe as anything in this madhouse can be.” For a second, I heard his teeth grind. “Thank you, Marcus.”

“I have to assume that someone helped them out with this, though they did build the Moonraker really quickly…” Marcus said, looking around. “You’re welcome, Darien. And yes, we’re both very lucky men.”

“You certainly are,” Lady Aendyr said, slapping him on the back; he nearly fell down. “Now we have to go save Ivan and Twilight.”

“Or possibly save the dungeon from them,” Marcus said. “I can hear faint explosions even with the wind howling ahead.”

We then began brainstorming on how to get past said howling wind.

******************

Our combined magical ability and Lord Aendyr and Lady Aendyr’s air magical knowledge enabled us to re-direct the downdraft enough to leave a gap; then I built a rope-bridge out of my remaining clothing supplies and we crossed, then I rolled it up and stored it for later use. We followed the sound of explosions and finally found Twilight and Ivan busy smashing up crystals set into the walls of a cavern. “Twilight, calm down!” I shouted to her. “We’re here, we’re okay, we need to work together to get out.”

Twilight saw us now and galloped over, Ivan barely hanging on; he was riding her. “Rarity!”

We hugged as best as Ponies can, and then I stood close to her, letting her share my calm; I could feel the tug of her panic, but I fought it off. Ivan and Lady Aendyr were embracing and I could see him calming down.

“Rarity figured out how to teleport,” Marcus said proudly to Twilight.

“It’s so exhausting,” I said. “And I am SO hungry,” I continued. “And filthy.”

“Hey, we do have that candy,” Ivan said. “We shouldn’t eat too much or we’ll get sick but it should take the worst of the edge off, right?”

I had some taffy, Marcus took a redhot, Ivan tried a white candy, Twilight took a green hard candy, Lady Aendyr took some licorice and Lord Aendyr tried a black candy. “This is deliciously like good ice coffee,” Lord Aendyr said approvingly.

Frost began to drift out of Ivan’s mouth and Marcus stared at tiny tendrils of smoke coming out of his mouth. My taffy was quite delicious, but… Then Ivan breathed out a freezing cloud. “I… does this give you a breath weapon?” More frost came out.

“This must be magic candy… which she said it was her finest…” Marcus said weakly, flames coming out of his mouth. “TOO HOT.”

Twilight shoved a waterball into his mouth and now he spat up water on her and himself but the fire went out. “Thank you, sorry,” he mumbled.

Ivan began freezing crystals and laughing.

“We need to figure out a quick way to get out.”

There was a sound like ice breaking and then I heard the voice of Cunning Thought. “There you go. Can you hear me now?” She sounded hugely amused.

Oh dear.

“I can hear you, Cunning Thought,” Twilight said wearily.

“You’re fortunate that Sweetie called me,” Cunning Thought said cheerfully. “Don’t worry, dear Sweetie, we’ll have them right out now.”

Twilight now teleported us right to the control room, which surprised me; did she know where it was? It was full of odd magical gimcracks and… it was up inside their new treehouse. Which flies but they’re not allowed to cruise around unsupervised.

Cunning Thought was here, along with Clarity, Spikey, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash. But no Pinkie. Most of the Crusaders were gone, except an exhausted Apple Bloom and Sweetie.

“You all okay?” Dash asked, clearly worried.

“I am miserably hungry and filthy and I think I smell of dead monster,” I moaned, flopping onto my fainting couch.

“Rarity!” Fluttershy said, then whipped grapes out of her saddlebags and began trying to cram them all into my mouth. Too many at once, but I was so hungry, I didn’t care.

Cunning Thought began fussing over Twilight.

“Are you okay?” Sweetie asked Marcus.

“I’m fine, but you all need to think these things through,” Marcus said, ruffling her mane. “Applejack, I hope you have something we can eat.”

“Grannie and Big Mac will whip up a ton of pancakes and we can test my new apple bacon,” Applejack said.

“You have bacon?” Ivan asked, surprised.

“It’s fake-bacon but should be right good,” Applejack said proudly.

“Does it smell like Marcus?” Ivan continued, grinning a little.

“Shut up,” he mumbled, but now ruffled my mane gently and smiled and I smiled at him and tried to not spew crumbs in his face.

“I’m afraid I don’t know you, but thank you,” Lord Aendyr said to Cunning Thought.

“I am Celestia and Luna’s mother, Cunning Thought,” she said grandly.

“LOKI,” I heard Marcus hiss to Lady Aendyr, whose eyes widened.

“She’s our good friend,” Sweetie said and nuzzled her.

Right now, I could accept anyone who got us out of that as our good friend.

“Mother!” Princess Luna said, now appearing. “What are you doing… Ivan?” She stared at Ivan, who was covered in ashes and glowing with random magic and still making frost come out of his mouth.

“Luna, there was a Shadow Pony; I think Twilight drove it off, maybe blew it up entirely,” Ivan said, turning serious. “Mumbling about crystals.”

Princess Luna’s eyes narrowed and I could see fire in them and Cunning Thought turned to study Ivan. “Mumbling what about crystals?”

“I don’t know, but he said he’d found something and something about crystals and then he kind of blew up,” Ivan said.

“I was too busy destroying things to listen,” Twilight said, laughing nervously.

“Did he do anything beyond lurk and explode?” Princess Luna asked, frowning.

“We saw him,” I said. “He studied us and left, saying we weren’t who he was looking for.”

“You had best all go rest,” Princess Luna said. “Mother and I are going down to look around.”

“If you need us…,” I began.

“It is probably nothing,” Princess Luna said but she clearly didn’t believe that. “But you are all worn and torn and I know Celestia is expecting you in Canterlot tomorrow. Go, rest and recover. I will see you later.”

Cunning Thought sighed. “Well, this is the perfect chance for me to tell you about your new siblings. They’ve already burned down the artificial womb Rathanos made for them! I’m so proud of them!”

Lord and Lady Aendyr stared, eyes wide.

I would have stared but I hardly had any energy left.

“Mother!” Princess Luna protested, hiding her face with her wings.

“Anyway, when are you and Ivan going to give me grandchildren?” Cunning Thought grinned.

“MOTHER!” Princess Luna shouted.

Ivan buried his face in his hands.

“We’re going NOW,” Princess Luna said and she vanished with Cunning Thought.

It was time to go home before I die of hunger.

***************

Applejack fed us very well, so well I fell into a food coma and didn’t wake up until the next morning. (I can tell you that apple-bacon has the look and texture of bacon but smells and tastes like apples. I have no idea how it works.) I still don’t know how they got me home but I woke up at sunrise to the sound of Marcus screaming in his sleep; I shook him awake. “Honey, it’s okay, it was just a dream.”

“Everyone was eaten by slime monsters,” he mumbled and sat up. “Oh good, we did get out.”

“We need to get dressed, have breakfast and get ready to head to Canterlot.”

Sweetie hugged me very tightly when I came out and found her and Lady Aendyr making breakfast. “I’m so sorry! We just thought it would be fun!”

“It was fun,” Lady Aendyr said, stretching. “I haven’t gotten to do that in forever.”

“I can’t let you cook,” I said, mortified. “You’re my guest.”

“It’s okay, I could tell you would sleep in,” Lady Aendyr said. “It’s kind of nice to do this myself.”

“Where’s your husband?” I asked. He should be helping her.

“Talking to the kids and Pinkie,” Lady Aendyr said. “And Lyra. Who both basically passed out on the floor by the kid’s beds.” She laughed at that.

“Thank you, Lady Aendyr,” I told her. “How can I help?”

“Please, call me Helga. After everything we’ve been through, we ought to be able to use each other’s first names,” she said hesitantly.

“Okay, Helga,” I said, feeling a little embarrassed. But I thought about all I’d been through.

To be noble… to be a lady… is more complicated than I’d always thought. And it’s nice to have people you don’t have to put up a front with. And from what I have heard, she doesn’t have many. I feel terrible for her. So I will be the best friend I can.

“We will have a grand time in Canterlot. Dash will be coming with us, since we’ll be visiting her museum,” I told Helga.

“Tell me all about it,” she said. “I understand you all took a trip to the North Pole.”

“But they wouldn’t let us go,” Sweetie said mournfully.

So I launched into the tale as we made breakfast.

******************

Princess Luna and Ivan showed up as we had all assembled to take off (joined by Rainbow Dash), then she took Marcus, Ivan, Dash, and I aside into my room. “We’re not entirely sure if something got loose from the Wandering Monster Generator to cause trouble or if a real Shadow Pony infiltrated the place. If it was real, it should have left a body, so probably it was either a construct or something the WMG made. We think the amount of magic Twilight was slinging jammed communications around her, but it’s not impossible the creature was doing it for some reason.”

“Who do the Shadow Ponies serve?” I asked. I have heard legends of them but no one I know has ever seen a real one.

“Many different immortals of Entropy,” Princess Luna said. “Including mother, but I believe she is innocent. This isn’t her style and I do not think she would deliberately ruin something the Crusaders did. Give them the tools to blow themselves up… yes. But she’d make sure they loved her more for it.” Princess Luna tried to pace but my room doesn’t have enough room for proper pacing.

I’m sorry, Princess. I should fix that.

“He had some kind of Thanatos connection but something else too, something I didn’t recognize,” Ivan said, frowning and trying to pace as well, which now caused him and Luna to collide, then laugh weakly.

Marcus laughed loudly. “We could go out back if you need space to move.”

“You should not have any trouble in Canterlot,” Princess Luna said. “Enjoy your time with your friends.”

“So we have no idea what this Shadow Pony wanted,” Marcus said, frowning.

“I think he wanted some kind of crystal thing,” Ivan said. “That’s why we were kind of smashing those crystals when you found us.”

“They were all mundane or only very mildly enchanted,” Princess Luna said. “Mother has a theory but I can’t talk about it.” She sighed. “Immortal business.”

“I understand,” I told her. “I just want our trip to go smoothly.”

“So what’s this business with Loki claiming she and Rathanos had babies?” Marcus asked hesitantly.

Princess Luna buried her face with her wings for a few seconds, then sighed. “Mother is busy shoving her face into a lion’s mouth again. If it causes trouble for us, I will be very cross.”

“So at this point, you don’t need us to do anything,” Marcus said.

“Ivan and I will be doing some investigating later, but for now, just enjoy your vacation and your work. Celestia and I will let you know when and if further action is needed,” Princess Luna said.

That was a relief. I just don’t want anything *else* to go wrong on this vacation.

******************

Much as I feared it might be trouble, I invited Dona Carlotta and Otto to join us at Dash’s museum. She is friends with Darien and I hope she and Marcus can get past everything and he has to get over his issues with Otto. Her father, Don Diego, joined us as well. Sweetie came with us, but not the other Crusaders, having volunteered to run herd on Samantha and Sugar Sparkle. Marcus had a new hat… bought for him from the gift shop by Darien and Helga; it showed Rainbow Dash flying over the North Pole; he bought a second for Scootaloo, which I’m sure she’ll appreciate.

Dash was utterly excited as she roamed around the museum with us, showing everything off. “This is Cherry Blossom, the first Unicorn to break through the…” Dash’s face screwed up. “O c t y llic barrier.” She had to slowly make her way through the word.

“Octyllic,” Darien said. “You can think of magical potential in terms of how much energy you can channel. To pass the Expert level test at the Great School of Magic, you must be able to break through the Octyllic barrier and cast spells which require power beyond that level. It’s unclear if there’s a real barrier or if it’s a purely intellectual concept for us to organize degrees of power.”

“Right,” Dash said. “Her generation was the first to begin showing the modern range of colors of Ponies; you can see her parents were brown and dappled.” She pointed them out. “The researchers were baffled by the color changes and never did figure out the basis of them.”

“What was the basis? Beyond magic?” Darien asked.

“They never figured it out,” Dash said nervously and Marcus laughed softly. “You don’t know either!”

“My slime breeding experiments have shown a set of combinations which always result; is Pony coat and mane color predictable from the parents?” Don Diego asked.

“Well… sometimes…” Dash said. “Mom and I don’t have the exact same Mane colors but we have the same kind of a striped pattern.”

“Rose breeding is very predictable,” Dona Carlotta said. “As long as you have a good idea of the geneaology of the roses and they’ve been bred true for several generations. But they don’t have the full diversity of Ponies.”

“I expect there’s some kind of destiny component, given how Cutie Marks work,” Marcus said.

They now got into a long argument which didn’t interest me much but no one I liked was trying to kill each other with their eyes, and I considered that a step forwards. You can’t just get rid of enmity in a day but I felt there was hope for the future.

To my surprise, Princess Celestia now approached us, having somehow gotten in unannounced. “Rarity, thank you for that nice party in Ponyville. It was nice to be a guest instead of the hostess for once and just enjoy myself.”

I smiled warmly. “I’m glad you enjoyed it. It didn’t end the way I hoped, though.” I sighed.

“I had a grand time,” Celestia said.

Then I had to introduce her to my guests. She patted Samantha and Sugar Sparkle on the head and shook hand-to-hoof with the adult Aendyrs. “I will ensure your stay here for your business is smooth,” she told them very seriously. “I have been considering your uncle’s offer, Lord Aendyr; we can discuss that tomorrow, though. For now, I just would like to see Dash’s masterwork here, and get to know you better.”

I could see Helga was breathing hard, nervous, while Darien seemed totally comfortable. “Don’t worry, she’s very nice but likes to tease,” I told her softly. “Just be yourself and I’m sure she’ll like you.”

“I just don’t want to mess this up,” she said softly to me. “Diplomacy is not my strong point.”

“Can I ride you?” Samantha asked.

“Samantha, you can’t ask a Princess to carry you,” Darien said chidingly to her.

“I would love to carry you,” Celestia said warmly. “Marcus, won’t you help her up?”

Marcus did so and Sugar Sparkle said, “I want to go next!”

Darien buried his face in his hands, but Celestia said, “In a little while, young lady.” Then she looked at me.

“You can ride me if you like,” I told Sugar Sparkle kindly.

“Okay!”

“I understand you are an old friend of my special agent, Marcus,” Celestia said to Helga. “From his adventuring days.”

“I’m Ivan’s cousin; the two of us went adventuring with him for a long time,” Helga said. “We’ve known each other a long time.”

“You must know some good, embarrassing stories you can tell about him, then,” Celestia said cheerfully.

Marcus buried his face in his hands.

Helga perked up. “Most definitely.”

“Ahh, you shouldn’t tell embarrassing stories about your friends!” Sweetie said urgently.

“They’re the best people to tell such stories about,” Helga said and launched into a long story about the time Marcus tried to be a model. By the end of it, Marcus had to launch into a story about Helga in revenge. By the time we finished our tour, Helga had relaxed around Celestia.

And I think that’s what she wanted.

Celestia is a true lady, a true noble. We follow her because we love her and she understands us and how to make us happy. With her, you can always be at your ease. That is a model I aspire to.

****************

Eventually, we had to go home; we had to catch the train home, so we couldn’t stay too late. I hugged Helga goodbye. “Drop by for dinner when you finish here; we’d love to see you one more time,” I told her.

“You should move to Glantri,” she told me. “I’d like to see you all more often.”

“When Ivan conquers Karameikos, we can all move in with him,” I told her, smiling.

She rubbed her forehead. “Please keep him from getting in over his head.”

“Of course,” I told her.

This time, we got a big open space for them to teleport home in, so nothing got messed up, and then it was time to go home and collapse. I work tomorrow and Marcus has school to teach and Sweetie school to go to.

I think I have much to think about with regards to my future. What it means to be noble. Our future as Immortals… something I had never dreamed of, and yet, that is the road we walk now. That Twilight needs us to walk with her.

I am a dreamer, a creator at heart. An artist. And sometimes I have to confront the reality behind my dreams. But I will not turn aside. This will help me to be better in the future. Even when people want me to help them look like a whale.

I need to stop whining about that. But I haven’t reached perfection yet.

Yet.

The End.

Short Story 5: Shadows of the Past

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Book One: Well-Met in the Malpheggi

Book One: Well-Met in the Malpheggi

My(stara's) Little Ponies: Friendship is Adventuring
A D&D (Mystara) / My Little Ponies: Friendship is Magic crossover

Book 1: Well Met in the Malpheggi

By John Biles

***************

There is no more wretched hive of scum and villainy than the Malpheggi Swamp, a fetid mass of muck, trees, more muck, more trees, lizardmen, sucking sinkholes, quicksand, muck, more lizardmen, hideous blasphemies against the Immortals, muck, trees, more trees, even more trees, trees which kill you, more quicksand, black dragons, sinkholes, and more muck. Only fools, madmen, and adventuring parties go into the Malpheggi. And ponies, but I already covered them in the first three groups. And hideous blasphemies against the Immortals, but I think I listed them too.

I had to flee Shireton after a small misunderstanding with the Thyatian ambassador (no, just because this pipe of mine resembles the belly dancing Alaysian pipe he favors does not mean it used to be his. Necessarily). The authorities did not accept my protests that I do not know what happened to his harem, though I don't think they REALLY wanted to know. But appearances must be kept up, you know.

That's why I pretended to run for the hills and they pretended to chase me with fire and sword, shouting about young maidens or something. You know how Halflings are, they think everyone is after their women.

I made it across the border to Port Athenos and signed on with an expedition into the Malpheggi Swamp in return for the boss faking my death and giving a fake severed head to the Shires ambassador. I had to submit to polymorphing but I haven't used the face I was born with ever since I was caught naked with Duke Stefan's daughter. I find it suspicious that Duke Stefan somehow memorized the birthmark on my groin. But that's another story.

I must have been too drunk to actually hear the words 'Malpheggi' or I would have smuggled myself to Ierendi to avoid taking this job. By the time I sobered up, our scout had fallen into quicksand and died. Normally, this would be where I ran for the hills but I knew I would die if I tried to make it through the Malpheggi alone.

The first dragon attack killed most of us, which is how Ivan and I ended up floating down some river, clinging to a board. Ivan is Karameikan, an old friend of mine who got me drunk to drag me onto this mission. I'll pay him back later; the Alfheimers are STILL looking for him.

"Ivan, if this isn't the biggest treasure EVER FOUND, I will kill you," I told him. "As it is, I'm going to give you a beating once I am no longer clinging to this board."

"Cafen, my old friend," he said cheerfully, "This will be the greatest treasure ever, once we get it away from the Dragon who has it."

Why do I even bother to get up in the morning? WHY?

"Hey, that looks like fun!" a cheerful woman's voice said from the shore. "Let me play too!"

"No, throw us a rope!" I shouted, trying to figure out who was talking and where and if she was pretty.

"GERONIMO!" Something pink came down like the spear of Halav and landed on the board, breaking it into bits; the splash sent us both towards the shore we'd been unable to reach, though we didn't ACTUALLY reach it. However, I was now clinging to a sagging tree branch with both hands and Ivan was clinging to ME. Why do I always have to be the responsible one?

"Wow, this is a great current!" the pink blur said, now clinging to Ivan somehow. Great, he gets the wet woman clinging to him and I get the smell of wet Karameikan as my body works on freezing.

"Hello, ma'am," I said. "I hope you are a great swimmer because I fear my hands are slipping and we are about to be swept towards that waterfall over there." OF COURSE there is a waterfall.

"I thought humans were good swimmers," she said, surprised. "Oh, I should introduce myself! I am Pinkie Pie from Equestria!"

My water-sogged vision finally cleared; a pink horse with reddish-pink mane, was clinging somehow to Ivan, legs wrapped around him as he moaned from trying to support her weight. An Equestrian. Oh God, I am so... oh wait, they won't recognize me in THIS form. I was a tall blond the time I got drunk and... Let's never speak of that again.

"Hello, I'm Ivan," Ivan said. "And I think I am about to die. This is my friend..."

"Samus Marcus. I am from Thyatis," I lied. "I have never been to Equestria at all."

"Well, you should visit, it's very nice!," Pinkie said. "Hold on, my friends are around here somewhere. HEY EVERYPONY!" she shouted loudly.

Five more ponies came into sight. Four of them were strangers to me; one was golden in color... She'd best avoid dwarfs. I coveted her hat; a man is NOTHING without a hat. Another was a paler yellow and had wings. So did the blue one, who had rainbow colored hair... a mane. Rainbow colored mane. And then there was...

OH FUCK ME.

Twilight Sparkle, favored student of Princess Celestia, who I think either IS an Immortal or is well on her way to that status. Celestia is the Immortal, I mean. Twilight is merely a candidate for such, I suspect. Celestia claims she makes the sun rise, which I suspect pisses off Ixion, but she certainly CAN set your ass on fire.

If Twilight figures out who I am, I am a corpse. It was all a big misunderstanding, though if she was HUMAN instead of a horse... I am going to shut up now.

"Well, I reckon you got yerself in over your head again, Pinkie," the hat-wearing one said. Did I mention I covet her hat?

No, I am not stupid enough to steal it with Twilight watching.

Any more.

"Hey, we're having fun but Sammie's arms are tired and we don't have a barrel!" Pinkie shouted.

SAMMIE?

I won't pretend I understand why we need a barrel.

"SAVE US!" Ivan shouted. "I have apples!"

Dammit, you'd think the man would have the decency to share if he's going to drag me into the damn Malpheggi Swamp when I could be relaxing and enjoying myself and having a nice smoke and DAMMIT MY TOBACCO IS NOW WET.

The blue one zoomed over, grabbed Ivan SOMEHOW, and flew back with him. "There you go! One instant rescue!"

Pinkie immediately latched onto me before the current could take her. "So the idea is to rescue everyone one by one and anyone who goes over the waterfall loses?"

"Yes, you could say that," I said in a panic.

"Hold on," Twilight said, turning to Spike, who was studying me intently. She began digging through her saddlebags. "I have my water rescue guide here somewhere. Spike, help me out."

He began digging, while the golden pony said, "I've got this." She then lassoed Pinkie Pie. "Okay, hold onto him and I'll pull you in!"

I eyed her. Could she really pull a pony and me to shore? If she was wrong, we might well pull her over the waterfall too. I'd feel pretty guilty about that.

For the three seconds before I died on the rocks below, but I WOULD feel guilty.

"We might pull you over!" I shouted, regretting the fact that my conscience had chosen this moment to wake up and stumble around my mind, confused and hungry. "I'd hate to kill someone who I just met!"

"Don't worry, sugarcube," she said. "My name is Applejack and I've got you. Trust me."

Not a commodity I easily part with.

"Don't worry, Applejack's the best," Pinkie said assuredly. I know that tone. It's how I sounded when I assured Helga that we could EASILY make off with the Troll King's crown before the curse kicked in.

Trust is a leap in the dark, they say in Rockhome.

I am going to lodge a protest if this kills me for doing something nice for once. I turned and let go and grabbed onto Pinkie Pie. We rushed towards the waterfall and SHE WAS LAUGHING.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I'm not sure if I was screaming or the waterfall was.

We traced a long arc in the water as Applejack and the blue pegasus pony and a white unicorn I hadn't noticed before joined forces to pull on the rope with Ivan pulling too. That's a true friend.

I'm going to punch him in the nuts until he cries for getting me into this, but he's a true friend.

"Okay, the first step is to make a lasso," Twilight read from the book.

"I think we did that," the yellow pegasus pony said softly, then she looked around and frowned at the noises in the swamp.

"Lasso made, check," Spike said, checking off something on a piece of paper.

I could see my feet dangling over the edge as I clung to the pink pony, utterly waterlogged and exhausted, while she began singing a song. I will not transcribe this song for fear it will drive you to the brink of sanity as it did me.

Also you cannot, in fact, rhyme waterfall and toast.

I think.

"Okay, next step is to throw one end to the victim," Twilight said.

"STOP READING AND START PULLING," Applejack said. Her hooves were dug into the dirt and though the line wobbled, with her anchoring it, the current, the monstrous current, could not pull us to our doom. A doom I deserved for my past sins and Pinkie deserved for her song.

That's not fair, my sins aren't THAT bad.

On the other hand, she was also saving my life by holding onto me... somehow... as my limbs were giving out from exhaustion.

So I will count it even.

Once Twilight and Spike joined the tug of war, they began to gain ground, gradually tugging us out of the water. The yellow pegasus now took to the air and looked around, frowning.

This did not bode well.

Finally, we came out of the water and then the white unicorn cantered up and brandished her horn. The water flew off both of us and suddenly, I was as groomed as a man can be in torn and cut leather and cotton, though my poor hat was now well on its way to the ocean, I think.

DO NOT STEAL APPLEJACK'S HAT, I reminded myself.

Most importantly, I was dry.

I took one of the lady Unicorn's forehooves and kissed it in the Equestrian style, even if it had muck on it. The moment she saw the state of her hooves, she froze in terror. I said, "Fair lady, I am in your debt." I could tell she was a lady of refinement. I can fake refinement well. "I am Samus Marcus, a traveling swordsman from Thyatis." Thankfully, I still had my gladius. Given it's enchanted, losing it in a river would make me very unhappy.

Spike gave me the eye and I kept my calm but screamed on the inside.

Ivan buried his face in his hands and the lady Unicorn smiled. "I am Rarity, and it is a pleasure to meet you."

Twilight Sparkle now introduced herself, the blue pegasus pony (Rainbow Dash), the yellow pegasus pony (Fluttershy), and Spike. "We are the Elements of Harmony, an officially registered Adventuring Party in Equestria, the Republic of Darokin, Sind, the Five Shires, Alfheim, and Karameikos. I can show you our licenses if you need to see them."

"I will take you at your word, Lady Sparkle," I said, bowing and trying to look gentlemanly. Ivan looked at me dubiously.

KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT IVAN UNLESS YOU ENJOY PAIN.

"I am quite grateful," I told her. "I fear my companion and I have gotten in over our heads on our quest."

"Ooooh, quest. What kind of quest?" Pinkie asked, bouncing around us.

"We're trying to stop a marauding dragon," Ivan said.

Technically true. He does maraud and we do want to stop him.

Stop him having any treasure.

"The terrible Grand Wyrm Vermicoritax?" Spike asked.

The fact he knows its name does not bode well.

"Yes," I said. One of them is probably a priest, even if I'm not sure which one. Priestess. Or possibly Fluttershy is a druid, given she's talking to a bird right now.

While I know Twilight Sparkle is very powerful, I don't know if she can handle a Grand Wyrm. I know I can't, which is why we planned to ROB it.

"We're off to convince it to stop raiding Equestria," Twilight Sparkle said. "Why don't you join us? We can help you get back to human civilization once we finish here; you can easily get a train ride down to Manehattan on the coast and get a boat from there, once we're done." Ponies have an interesting invention known as 'trains', which are multiple wagons on wheels which run on special tracks, chained together and pulled by a team of earth ponies. They're quite nice to ride in, but I digress.

If we join them, eventually, I will be revealed and will die.

If we do not, something WILL eat us, and we will die.

This is the story of my life.

I bowed to her, trying to sweep my hat... my poor hat... "Thank you, Lady Sparkle. We are most grateful and will do our best to assist you."

Applejack was whispering to Dash, who was laughing. Okay, that didn't bode well.

Rarity was busy cleaning up Ivan, who was most grateful.

Twilight Sparkle looked at Rarity, looked worried, then smiled just a little, though it wobbled. "Rarity, why don't you explain to Samus what is going on?"

"Samus is my family name; you may all call me Marcus since you saved our lives," I told them grandly. If nothing else, it will hopefully get Pinkie to stop calling me 'Sammy'.

"I would be happy to, darling," Rarity said, then finished cleaning up Ivan to the extent anyone can clean him up.

Then she looked at me and I realized exactly how horribly this is going to explode.

HOW DO I GET INTO THESE MESSES?

*************

I was in the middle of coveting Applejack's hat again when I suddenly realized that despite the fact that being hatless makes me feel more naked than when I am naked, it likely saved my life. TWILIGHT KNOWS MY OLD HAT.

If she finds me out, I will be lucky to become a soulless zombie, bound to carry her books forever.

Further, for some reason, Spike suspects me. He keeps looking at me as if willing me to DIE DIE DIE.

"So where in Thyatis are you from?" Rarity asked. "I've always wanted to visit Thyatis," she said. "It's so sophisticated and urbane," she continued a little dreamily.

"We've been to Thyatis," Dash pointed out.

"Thyatians put broccoli in their pies, which NEGATES the ENTIRE POINT of pie," Pinkie said sadly.

I cannot quarrel with that.

"It does not count if you are hiding in the back of a wagon as it moves at blinding speed over Thyatis and you can't even see it," Rarity said firmly with her elegant voice.

I have to admit to a certain curiosity, given that sounds like a moment from my life.

Except the wagon would be on fire and full of zombies.

Saferi, I HATE YOU, by the way.

Don't ask.

"Well, perhaps one day I could show you around," I said, knowing I would either be dead or fled before that.

Probably dead, but a man must dream or be no man.

"I would be delighted, Marcus darling," she said with that accent of hers. I can't tell if it's real or affected.

I began regaling her with half-true tales of adventure and excitement in Thyatis City. I know it well, though I'm not really Thyatian. But I can fake it.

I've been all over, even to Canterlot. As you likely know, Canterlot is the capital of the Princesspality of Equestria, a state which lies west of the Malpheggi and east of Sind. At its heart is a high plateau inhabited by a mixture of ponies and buffalo (also intelligent). The two groups have an ongoing conflict over whether the plateau top will be used to grow fruit and vegetables and hay or whether it will remain a free range.

Canterlot is carved out of and into the walls of the southern face of the plateau; which is rimmed by forest and hills. Many ponies live in cities carved into the sides of the plateau; others live down in the plains and forest and hills below in a variety of towns and cities, of which the most prominent is the port of Manehattan.

Long ago, the ponies were enslaved by Orcs and brought to this area, where the Orcs wiped out the primitive humans who refused to adapt to changing conditions and were still trying to live the way people lived in the ancient dawn of the first humans. Eventually, though, Princess Celestia appeared (somehow) and led the ponies to revolt, driving off the Orcs. She has ruled ever since as the ponies slowly grew more civilized under her tutelage and influenced by the Sindhi and Darokinians and the Halflings of the Shires.

I'm not sure where the intelligent ponies came from, but I suspect Blackmoor. It's usually guilty when charged with species creation and mutation.

Canterlot is actually a very nice city, especially since the Ponies drank from the same well Halflings did: as long as they're well fed, they're very nice, kind people. They are more prone to mass panic than Halflings but also less likely to bloat up like balloons as they age. Honestly, old Halflings don't so much 'walk' as 'roll'. This is what happens when you eat six meals a day.

Halflings can't trample you to death if they panic, though.

Thankfully.

Ivan was busy talking to Twilight about the dragon. Since I still hoped to never ever see the dragon, I focused on regaling Rarity, as she was enjoying the stories and I enjoyed telling them. Mutuality, it's the key to everything.

"Rarity, I'm sorry, I need to borrow Marcus," Twilight said apologetically to Rarity.

"Oh, it's fine," Rarity said. "Our mission must come first." She waved a hoof.

I bowed to her. "Until later, fair lady," I told her and she smiled brightly.

I went up to Twilight. "I fear Ivan knows more about the dragon than I; he just asked me to help. But, of course, I will give whatever assistance I can," I said graciously, wondering how on earth... I suppose Twilight will just freak out and kill it or turn it into a duck or something.

Ponies can fight... some fight very well. But this group looked too... civilized to tussle with a dragon. And Twilight, intelligent and interesting as she is, is basically a bookworm, which is why...

Let's not think about that.

I am rather surprised to see her here, in the field, actually doing things with her knowledge instead of endlessly studying, though I suppose this is what Celestia has been grooming her for.

I suddenly wondered how many of these ponies were going to die before this was over and felt my stomach curdle. They're so optimistic, they can't really understand what they're up against. I've tussled with a very young dragon and I had to get a new arm. That was years ago, but the principle remains.

Magic sword or not, I did not want to fight a dragon. If it is as old as Ivan thinks, it can swallow a pony with one gulp. OR ME.

Especially ME.

"I understand you lost most of your group," Twilight Sparkle said. "It must feel terrible," she said sympathetically. "I can tell you're trying to hide your pain and put on a good face, but losing friends is never easy."

I barely knew them and I've seen too much death, but now suddenly, my stomach curdled anyway. I winced and she nuzzled me sympathetically, then looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry, that was probably too forward. I know humans are not as affectionate as we are."

"I had not known them long," I confessed. "And some of them may just be lost. I hope so," I told her. "But they deserved better than that." A good beating for leading me into the DAMN MALPHEGGI, yes. But I try not to wish death on anyone.

Except that one damn Alphatian, but that's another story.

"Anyway, it's okay, I have spent time with Ponies before," I told her. "So I am aware of your major customs. I don't mind."

She relaxed a little. "I wouldn't normally... you just seemed... I knew you must be feeling bad, but you seem the sort who tries not to lay their burdens on others."

"A man must carry his own sorrows," I told her. Then I prayed I had NOT said that when I knew her before.

Either I didn't or she didn't remember.

I live another five minutes, YES.

I can't beg off this conversation but every moment is another chance for me to remind her of the past and DIE.

My stomach curdled again.

"Fluttershy can probably help you if you feel sick to your stomach over it," Twilight said sympathetically. "Don't hold it in forever, or you'll throw up." She made a face. "I did that once, trying to finish a book." She sighed. "I got in so much trouble because I stained it."

I laughed at the image; it was SO her. Then I covered my face. "I am very sorry, Lady Sparkle."

"You can call me Twilight," she said firmly. "Since we are friends. I'm not really a noble, just Celestia's student."

I wondered again if she was really Celestia's daughter, but there was no sign of wings. And she was too short. "It is well known you have her favor," I told her, then clambered over long, annoyingly placed tree roots she simply hopped over.

I have to say this, Equestrian ponies are quite nimble.

"We're just friends, we're not..." Twilight turned red.

Surely they're not... I couldn't be sure, though they hadn't been when I was there. But then, she didn't have her own adventuring party either.

I could see Spike talking urgently to Rarity; hopefully not telling her who I really am and organizing a lynch mob.

Twilight followed my line of sight, then said, "Spike h..."

Pinkie dropped out of a tree and landed on Twilight's back and covered her mouth with her legs. "SHHH, it's a secret!"

"Announcing a secret exists weakens its secrecy," I noted. As I know from PAINFUL experience.

At least my hair grew back.

Twilight nodded to me, trying to get loose from Pinkie.

"Twilight is terrible at keeping secrets," Pinkie said. "I think it's her student instincts, from all those reports to Celestia." She now released Twilight and dropped down to all fours again.

My brain chose THIS moment to remind me that Spike can send anyone a letter by immolating it. And that Celestia can mail him back.

"Reports to Celestia?" I asked. "So you are now her field agent?"

"Yes," Twilight said.

"Celestia sent her to Ponyville in order to learn about Friendship and so she'd stop moping over some boy who broke her heart!," Pinkie said cheerfully.

My conscience stirred, smacked into a wall, and knocked a bookcase on itself, then moaned under the weight. I... was she... dammit.

"I was NOT MOPING," Twilight insisted firmly. "We were just friends and I just missed him when he left. That is ALL."

Pinkie whispered in my ear loudly enough for the dragon to hear it, "She is lying."

"I am not lying!" Twilight insisted.

"She sends regular reports of our adventures and life in Ponyville to Celestia, and sometimes Celestia asks us to help out Equestria, which is usually really fun and the victory parties are GREAT, if I do say so myself," Pinkie said proudly.

She is in constant, daily contact with Celestia, ANYWHERE ON THE PLANET. Thanks to Spike, who probably hates the me he used to know and I think suspects I am that me he knew. He certainly doesn't like me for some reason, I can tell that.

"That must be a great help in an emergency," I told Twilight carefully, feeling my stomach grind.

"Someone needs something sweet," Pinkie said, finally getting off Twilight, then began rifling through her saddlebags.

"Well, I don't like to burden Celestia if I can do it myself and she's often busy; sometimes she may not reply for hours," Twilight said. "Especially if it's late. But yes. Usually, though, my friends and I can handle anything." She sounded amazed and proud.

"She doesn't mope nearly as much either," Pinkie said. "When she thinks we're looking." Rifle, Rifle. She pulled out a fez. "This isn't food."

"You and Ivan have been friends a long time, right?" Twilight said, glancing at him as he now talked to Fluttershy. She looked panicked for some reason but I think that is her natural state.

Mind you, this is THE MALPHEGGI SWAMP. Honestly, she's the smartest person in this group if she's actually scared.

"Cookie," Pinkie said and stuffed it in my mouth.

I choked on it, falling down, flailing and Pinkie stared at me in shock.

Twilight's horn glowed and cookie pieces flew out of my mouth and a flask flew out of her saddlebag and cool, clean water washed my mouth out. "Are you okay?"

"Thank you, Pinkie," I said weakly. "But I can't eat that much cookie in one bite." PLEASE NEVER DO THAT AGAIN. "Thank you, Lady Twilight."

If I died by choking on a cookie, I would probably have to go dwell with whatever Halfling immortal handles death by overeating. I don't know and do not wish to find out.

"It's just Twilight," she said. "Are you okay?"

I got to my feet, now covered in muck. UGH. "I am fine," I said, trying to sort of rub myself on a tree. I hate being filthy. This is part of why I HATE the Malpheggi.

Twilight produced a plate and put the cookie bits on it. "Here you go."

I ate them and she then cleaned the plate and stashed it. Pinkie said, "Sorry, Marcus."

"It's okay," I told her, lying. Best to keep good relations with everyone so that when I have to run for the hills, they won't see it coming. "Did you ask me something about Ivan?"

Pinkie bounced off to see Applejack about something.

"Have you known him a long time?"

"Ever since his Shearing," I told her. "We're roughly the same age, though Thyatians don't do the Shearing."

"Is that why his mane is so short?" she asked curiously. "What is the Shearing?"

"Karameikan youths ready to become adults have their hair cut and go on a quest to find themselves. Usually they go work on the docks or maybe become an apprentice for a while, but some become adventurers like Ivan," I told her. "I left home to seek my fortune in the same basic way." And to avoid being forced to marry Anya, who had slept with me to spite her boyfriend for being an ass, then we got caught. No, she and Boris NEVER got caught but of course we did.

I still have a scar and I think she eventually married Boris.

"Applejack did something like that," Twilight said. "I pretty much knew what I wanted to be at an early age, when I got my Cutie Mark." She looked thoughtful. "So what was your plan?" she asked. "Ivan said you usually make the plans." Her voice, though not hostile, had clearly changed to 'Twilight the thinker' mode instead of the surprising 'Twilight the comforter'. I knew Twilight the thinker well.

"It involved lots of people who are dead or fled," I told her. "Also, we needed to scout the lair area before we could finalize it."

"Rainbow Dash is going to scout once we get close to it," Twilight said. "I've been contemplating a series of plans..." She paused and glanced back at Rarity, who now looked irritated; Spike was now off talking to Pinkie and Applejack.

Please don't let this be a DOOM countdown. "I'm sure Rarity will clean you up if you ask," she told me.

Not when she looks that unhappy, I thought. "I would hate to impose on her," I told Twilight. "And better we discuss plans first, then I can attend to my grooming, which is less important."

Twilight looked at her filthy hooves and forelegs. "I know," she said, sighing. "We will have to sacrifice for now." She smiled at me and I felt my conscience try to crawl out from under the bookcase. I threw a sheet over its head for now. I have to focus, not lose myself in guilt and regrets and...

Has she really been moping all this time? Dammit.

"If Rarity cleaned me up, I would likely just end up filthy again soon anyway. It's how the Malpheggi is." I shook my head.

"You know it well?"

"Too well," I told her. "I've seen many a hero die here, or get swamp rot or..." I finally got that rash off, thankfully.

She sighed. "I'm sorry. You must have a lot of old pain."

"I'm used to it," I told her. I certainly do.

"I... never mind," she said. "I'm being forward again and..." She glanced back at Rarity, who was trying to walk and stare at her dirt at once; Rarity now walked into a tree and fell down, then got more muck and began to go into a panic.

I knew what to do; I sprang into action, helping her up and using my cloak to try to wipe the worst of the muck off her. I know how to gain someone's favor and you can never gain too much favor.

Or run too fast once you run out of it.

"Thank you so much," Rarity said, smiling. "If I have to keep grooming myself with magic, I will become exhausted."

"Worry not, fair lady. You deserve better than to be bespeckled with mud and filth like a common pig," I told her.

"Pigs are actually pretty clean," Applejack said. "That's a myth. They just use mud to cool off." Her voice was a little chiding. "And frankly, a little dirt ain't never hurt nopony." Still chiding.

"But now your cloak is filthy," Rarity said, frowning at it.

"It's okay, it's really too hot for it anyway," I told her.

"You are a true gentleman," she said approvingly.

Which I could tell was what she wanted.

As I said before, always curry favor, so you have it when you NEED it.

"I must finish my conversation with Twilight," I told her. "But I'll be back later."

"Of course," she said. "Good luck making a plan."

"You're welcome," I said and returned to Twilight, who was smiling at me in an odd way. I could see Applejack talking quietly to Rarity now, who looked much happier.

"Thank you for helping her," Twilight said. "She really needs to get more used to dirt, though."

"She is clearly a lady of refinement who is not used to such difficult conditions as this," I told Twilight. "Is she a noblewoman?"

"No but she does carry herself like one," Twilight said, then paused. "She has no title, anyway."

The Equestrian nobility is rather complicated and is mostly found at Canterlot; they once had a lot of power, but now they basically dance attendance on Celestia and fight in wars. Her transformation of them from wolves... who are horses... to simpering courtiers was a MASTERWORK of manipulation.

I greatly admire Celestia and fear her at once.

SPIKE CAN SEND HER LETTERS.

Twilight looked at me, then at Rarity and had that odd smile again. Maybe a little wistful. Then she said, "Treat her nicely. She is very kind and generous. She gives without thought for herself."

"As a true lady should," I said. "As the poem says, 'Grace is the heart of the maiden / Unasked, she gives of herself / Heedless of the cost, yet she gives / Without asking anything from you'."

"Mellifluous Rhymes' third book, Poetry for the Fall Season, published in 886," Twilight said. "I knew a..." She fell silent.

I now realized I had just quoted a book I GAVE HER.

DAMN MY PRETENSIONS TO HIGH CLASS.

"You should read all four volumes. I believe that's from the Discourse on the Six Virtues of Harmony, right?" I asked her.

It now hit me that she'd named her group the Elements of Harmony, so of course she knows about all that.

She looked somewhat pained and I felt my stomach try again to kill me. My conscience flailed feebly. Dammit.

"It's not just a poem," she said softly. "Though I thought so at the time and didn't really..." She sounded very guilty. "I didn't finish the book until much later, when I had to research..." She paused, as if uncertain whether to go on. That anything could stop Twilight from speaking about her studies bothered me a little.

It was like me passing up a night with a beautiful woman or a free meal.

A free meal NOT JAMMED INTO MY MOUTH BY SURPRISE.

"You need not dwell on it if it pains you," I told her.

"I keep wondering if he knew," Twilight said to a passing bush, which I nearly walked into, but managed to dodge.

A half dozen mosquitoes now descended on me; all subsequent dialog should be imagined to be accompanied by me flailing while Twilight walked along untouched and apparently not noticing my flailing or perhaps not caring.

"If he knew what?" I asked.

"The six of us, we were marked by destiny," Twilight said softly. "Events drew us together before we even met each other. And then..." She licked her lips nervously, then glanced at the others.

"A destiny which includes good friends is a fine destiny indeed," I told her. "I confess I do not see the link between the poem and yourself, though. Or destiny."

My flailing hand (remember, I was flailing frantically to ward off mosquitoes with every syllable I was speaking.) now hit a tree. OWW.

"We possess six powerful artifacts which I hope will help us against the Dragon," she said softly. "The Elements of Harmony, which the poem speaks off. Rarity has... is the Element of Generosity. Applejack, Honesty. Pinkie, Laughter. Fluttershy, Kindness. Rainbow Dash, Loyalty. And I am the sixth Element, Magic, which is also Friendship, the root of Pony magic. But this is a state secret that we possess the Elements."

Which is why you registered your group as the Elements of Harmony in a half dozen countries.

Twilight, my old friend, you REALLY ARE TERRIBLE AT KEEPING SECRETS.

"When you say artifacts, you mean an object created by the Immortals? Or are they potent mortal magic?" Now I was curious.

"By the Immortals," Twilight said. "One from each sphere," she said. "Collectively, they create the sixth element, my element."

Wait... "Wait... there's one made by Entropy too?" I said in shock.

"It wasn't always called Entropy and maybe... one day it won't be," Twilight said very softly. "None of the others are really into metaphysics, so keep this between us, but I can tell you are a scholar."

The sphere of Entropy supports the others against invaders from other dimensions, but mostly it's a collection of whackjobs, necromancers, killers, thieves, liars... They support chaos, whereas the other four spheres tend to support law and that never ends well. Still, they are a trouble making part of the system of the Immortals instead of a...

A...

I forced myself not to look. "It's Laughter, right?" I said softly.

"We need order and chaos," Twilight said softly. "In its proper form, Entropy forces order to grow and change, refusing to allow it to become locked down and fixed and stagnant and basically dead but faking life. Pinkie ensures the rest of us do not become too fixed in our ways or just work ourselves to death and never play. Without Entropy, everything would just be the same forever, fixed and boring. I know, it's hard to accept... I kind of like things to be fixed and predictable. It's why I like books."

Yes, you've always been like that. Or so it seemed when I last knew you but you've grown stronger and more flexible.

And don't SEEM to be moping, though...

Do NOT look at Pinkie.

Somehow, I knew she was looking at me. CRAP.

"I will tell no one," I promised her. An uncorrupted artifact of Entropy? At the roots of Pony power? A set of artifacts made by all the spheres and somehow creating a sixth? Now I am curious.

That is bad, because curiosity is how I ended up trapped inside golems or clinging to the underbelly of a star whale as it heads for the planes of Matter.

Also, star whales smell terrible.

"So you think the person who gave you the book knew you would find these artifacts?" I tried to think about the book; I had not read it in a long time, since I gave Twilight my copy.

Possession is nine-tenths of the law, right?

It was sort of mine.

I read it, anyway.

"He must have known, or he wouldn't have given me volume three when I didn't have volume one or two yet," Twilight said. "Only..." Her voice wobbled.

That's Twilight logic all over, I thought. Volume three was, in fact, the only one I hadn't sold to buy beer yet, once I read it. "Only?"

"He probably thought since he wasn't part of the prophecy, he had to leave, since my destiny would take me elsewhere," she said, staring at the ground, voice wobbling. "So he gave up his own happiness to help set me on my path." She sounded quite guilty.

I briefly lost my ability to speak OR think.

Shut up, Ivan.

BRIEFLY.

"He may have just thought it was a nice book of poetry and you would enjoy it," I told her. THIS WAS THE TRUTH. "Did he put a box around that part, saying, 'READ ME' or something?" I most certainly did not.

This should cover my tracks a little.

"It was bookmarked," she said.

I stuck that bookmark in at random because it was cute and had a poem about loving books on it! Celestia told me Twilight would love that poem and gave me the bookmark when I found it stuck in a book she'd loaned me.

A book I did NOT sell for beer, before you ask. I am not that crazy.

"Annotated, you mean?"

"No, a literal bookmark with a nice poem about books on it," Twilight said. "He knew I'd love that poem," she said wistfully.

My conscience climbed out from under the bookcase and went looking for coffee, bitching at me. DAMMIT, GO BACK TO SLEEP.

I glanced around, but Spike was busy pushing bushes out of Rarity's way and not plotting my horrible death, thankfully.

I hope.

Twilight got the odd smile again for a moment, then she said, "Though I sometimes wonder..." She did not finish it.

I caught a branch about to whack her. "Wonder?" I can't believe she managed to convince herself of all this. Out of WHOLE CLOTH. "I would think he'd just tell you about the Elements and not kind of hint at it," I told her. Unless it was a con, but I had NOTHING to do with the Elements.

Unless I conned myself, like that time in the Heldaan Freeholds.

Another story, another time.

I hate dopplegangers.

The mosquitoes finally gave up, not that Twilight had noticed my flailing. "He was probably afraid to admit he was worried that he wasn't part of the prophecy and thus didn't have a... special role in my future. But I wouldn't have cared." She glanced back at Rarity. "Surely we're not meant to be alone... I mean, not alone, I have friends who I love, but you know. Ponies are meant to fall in love too. I never thought..." Her voice wobbled. "He can't have just... I don't even know why or what happened to him, but... This theory makes more sense and explains everything and I feel so bad for him. He... He didn't have to go," she said weakly. "But I'm sure he did it for my own good. And worried about his..." She sighed. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't lay this all on you. I just... the others kind of make fun of me and say I'm moping when I... you know." She sighed again. "They love me but sometimes that means teasing."

"I don't mind," I told her.

I DO mind but it's too late now and...

Dammit, I hate feeling guilty. My guilt doesn't get enough exercise, so when it tries to do something, it tends to ache a lot.

I can't tell her the truth without dying horribly and if believing this gives her comfort, maybe it's better I let her believe it. "Are you happy being one of the Elements of Harmony?"

"Very happy," she said, recovering a little.

"Then I'm sure he's glad you are happy and moving forwards on your destiny, with or without him," I told her. I never wanted her to be unhappy, I just...

For all that people claim humans sleep with EVERYTHING, we normally stick to bipeds and... Okay, obviously someone didn't and we got centaurs, but I'm not into Ponies. If she was human, or an Elf or even maybe an Orc, that would be fine. But I had to go before things got to where it was all going to explode messily.

Also, I expected she'd forget about it in a few weeks and go find a nice pony, the way it's meant to be. That's what I would have done.

Note to self, DO NOT DRINK AROUND PONIES EVER AGAIN, EVER.

I can see she has the good brandy in her saddlebags.

FUCK.

Okay, it being Twilight, maybe it would take longer to find someone who at least has the same number of legs. But ONLY because she spends all her time reading or else discussing what she read with people. Mostly Celestia, Spike, and myself.

Surely there are books about dating, though.

It suddenly hit me that Spike clearly had not told her about how he tried to beat me to death with a chair when I ran for the hills. I'm still not entirely sure how I got out of that fight.

Also, I left her a letter which clearly NEVER got delivered to her.

Spike probably ate it or accidentally sent it to Celestia or something.

I really should revise my will. I will leave my sword to Ivan if he lives and Applejack can have it otherwise; it deserves to be with someone who has a nice hat and who helped save my life.

Dammit, I want my HAT. And her...

DO NOT STEAL HER HAT.

"I hope he'd be proud of me," Twilight said, then sighed. "I am moping."

"It's okay," I told her. "It's only natural to wonder about the past but it's best to focus on the future, which looks quite bright for you, and involves six friends who love you very much."

She turned red. "I know. And I love them," she said. She sighed. "I'd mostly moved on but now I find myself thinking about him again and hoping he's okay."

"I'm sure he is," I lied to her, knowing that my DOOM is coming steadily closer. It may be anything from Applejack hanging me for coveting her hat to Spike burying me in donuts until I cannot breathe.

But I fear it is coming.

"What brings him to your mind?" I asked, calm outside, gibbering with fear on the inside.

"Nothing," she said, then glanced at Rarity again.

Does she have a crush on Rarity or something? It would be healthy for her to move on but it might cause group cohesion problems if she favors one Element over the others. I could only guess at how this thing works, but I suspect she has to keep them all in balance or something bad happens.

We then started trying to make a plan to deal with the Dragon.

Assuming I live that long.

****************

Ponies are civilized enough that they tend to prefer to process their food, though they can just eat up the landscape if they must. We reached an area with actual grass, with a stream running along one side of it around time for dinner. They all stopped and took a snack, to save on their prepared rations, while Ivan and I went to find something to eat, as our rations had all been lost and we can't eat grass. To my surprise, Applejack and Fluttershy joined us. "You need meat, right?" Fluttershy said softly.

"Yes," I said. Ponies keep pigs but don't eat them; they hunt truffles and keep various vermin down. They also have dogs and cats, which eat meat, so they fish a lot for their pets. I ate a lot of fish and eggs when I was in Canterlot.

I now noticed Fluttershy was wearing a necklace which matched her Cutie Mark. I hadn't seen it before. "That's very nice," I told her. I bet it would sell for a lot, though I'd happily trade ANY jewelry for a decent hat.

"Thank you," she said, then whispered, "It's a secret."

A secret you just exposed to someone you met hours ago. That much trust is a dangerous thing, kind lady Fluttershy.

Applejack was wearing one like that as well. And then it hit me. Were these two of the Elements of Harmony? They didn't look very big and powerful.

But neither did that DAMN RING.

Let's not think about that ring.

Ever.

Fluttershy began singing and animals FLOODED out of the forest; I instinctively went up a tree and pulled Ivan after me; they flocked around Applejack, who looked amused, and Fluttershy, who looked rapturous.

She began speaking to them in their own languages and I stared in amazement as they replied. Soon they began to scatter, but a squirrel remained.

"Stampede's over, Ivan, Marcus," Applejack said, amused. "You can come down now and the bunnies won't bite you. You really don't go out in the country much, I reckon."

"Not if I can help it," I confessed. I am a city boy.

"Better safe than sorry," Ivan said.

I agree wholeheartedly.

The squirrel lead us into a thick grove of trees, the air very humid, and the whole thing shadowed by the thick overgrowth. We stuffed Applejack's saddlebags with mushrooms which grew on the trees. She also, to my surprise, knocked two dozen peaches down from a tree for us.

And then it was time for fishing.

"You sure you're okay with this?" I asked Fluttershy, who looked rather nervous.

"I know how nature works," she said. "It'd be nicer if we could all just eat plants, but the carnivores check the herbivores so they don't breed out of control and then all starve and kill the plants and everything dies." She sighed. "Once upon a time, it didn't have to be that way, but the world is broken now."

Amen to that. I'm not much for believing in mythical golden ages, but I can't argue that the world is out of whack.

"You don't have to watch," I said kindly. "Ivan, Applejack, and I can handle this."

"My animal friends do this too," she said. "I... I'm used to it." She had the look of someone who was trying to put on a strong face.

Ivan, meanwhile, improvised a fishing pole with some string that Applejack had. I made another one and Applejack... was going to lasso fish?

Fluttershy now began a song. Her necklace glowed gently and now you could see lights under the water. "Catch those, they're the oldest and won't live through the winter anyway."

"..."

Ivan and I began fishing; we threw back any fish that didn't glow. Unfortunately, the old ones seemed most disinclined to bite; maybe they were too old and tired to bother eating.

Applejack lassoed several, then she and Fluttershy somehow started a fire and got a pot out. I don't think that's how you make fish jerky but I think that was her goal.

Can you make fish jerky? I've never had it, but I thought you needed a smokehouse or something.

Also, I didn't think it involved apples. But we keep feeding the workers as we caught more fish.

The stars were out and the moon was up by the time we finished; I smelled like fish guts and swamp muck. But the fish jerky was pretty good and so was the fruit we'd gathered. We headed back and found everyone else flopped out, exhausted, even Pinkie. They'd had dinner but Dash was fast asleep in the grass, Pinkie was asleep using Dash for a pillow, and Twilight and Rarity were lying in the grass with Spike sitting next to them, talking quietly.

"I should bathe, but I am plum tuckered out," Applejack said. "And I got a nose full of spices."

"Come here," I told her, and got a bucket and washed her legs off carefully. With no soap, I couldn't do too much but she looked much better.

"I'm right grateful, partner," she said. "I'm gonna go flop out with Dash."

She was soon asleep and I began trying to get myself clean; given my clothing was soaked with muck, this was fairly futile. Ivan just waded into the stream and wallowed in it; Fluttershy had crashed out as well.

I went to join the ladies; they'd both probably used magic to clean up as they and Spike were spotless. "Pardon my filth, but I have no soap and no clean clothing."

Rarity turned and concentrated; power washed over me and I became very clean. My eyes crossed. Goodness, she's strong. Twilight smiled a little smile. "Turnabout is fair play, good sir," Rarity said.

"You are a lady of grace," I told her solemnly and Spike made grumbling noises.

"Do you like fish, Spike?" I asked.

"I love fish," he said, drooling a little.

I tossed him a piece. "I don't know if it's Applejack or Fluttershy's recipe."

He gobbled it down and looked mollified. "Thanks, Marcus."

"You're welcome," I told him. "Will we be standing watches?" I asked, yawning.

"I used my copy of Hallonica House's Guide to Handy Travel Rituals," Twilight said, "To put up Eyes and Ears of Warding. They'll alert us."

Basically, invisible eyes and ears look and listen for trouble, then wake you. Quite effective against those who can't disarm a ward. Mind you, with regard to Hallonica House's guide, Hallonica simply acted as ghost-publishers for Prince Jaggar, who wrote it to raise money for his private army. Since many people hate Glantrians but no one hates Darokin, the deal made a lot of people wealthy.

This, I believe, is the very definition of 'honest graft', and I applaud it.

"If you have the components, you might want to put up Volospin's Air Shield also," I told her. "There may be invisible things afoot." I used to have a copy of that ritual book, but my copy is in the stomach of an undead crocodile in Ylarum now. Along with the magical harp I once had AND one of my previous hands.

"You study magic too?" Twilight asked.

"I dabble in it, but I am not on the level of a full professional," I told her. "I seem to end up getting all my ritual books destroyed constantly." I can do a few tricks and I have a nice attack spell with fire.

"I'd be happy to loan you some of mine," Twilight said. Another sign she is a Pony and not a normal wizard.

"Thank you, kind lady," I told her. "I am short on necessary components too, though I expect I can improvise for some." If I am really lucky, she has one for re... getting a new hat.

She tossed me two, then said, "Oh dear, it's late, Spike has to go to bed and I should sleep too." Her voice sounded odd.

"I'm fine, I'm a big boy," Spike said, then yawned.

"Enjoy the books, we're going to bed!" Twilight said, grabbed Spike somehow and bolted.

Then she spoke a few words and produced a magical tent, into which she dragged Spike; I could hear muffled conversation.

I slid the books to one side; Twilight would have started reading immediately, but I have manners when they are useful.

"I don't mind if you read them," Rarity said.

"It's fine, I'll read when you go to bed," I told her.

She smiled brightly and we conversed for a while; I told her more about Thyatis and she told me about how Twilight had come to Ponyville and ended up leading the six of them on a secret mission. Which she couldn't talk about but which clearly involved getting the Elements of Harmony. Then she told me of some of their other adventures.

Eventually, she yawned. "Well, Princess Luna may stay up all night, but I must sleep."

"I'll be up reading a while," I told her. "Goodnight, fair lady." I paused. "Princess Luna?"

"Celestia's sister," Rarity said, then looked nervous a moment. "She makes the moon rise and set."

Which I thought Celestia ALSO claimed as her doing.

"I must admit I have never heard of her," I told Rarity.

"She's been off on a long trip," Rarity said, her voice wobbling; she was lying. But why?

Celestia must be pulling some really deep maneuver

I put it out of my head; it wasn't my worry as I was not going back to Ponyland, because whatever Celestia will do if she gets her hooves on me, it won't be pretty.

I bid Rarity goodnight after helping her to set up her tent, then I went to do a little reading by moonlight.

******************

I am well familiar with Hallonica House's Guide, though I skimmed through it again just to be sure I hadn't forgotten something useful, like something that gets rid of Dragons without having to risk acid slowly rendering your flesh into a tasty slurry.

There was in fact, a ritual to make things acid-resistant which I carefully bookmarked. It had a check mark by it, which I hope either indicates Twilight already thought of this or at least that it works well and she's used it before.

I noticed she'd circled two rituals: one of them gives you big butterfly style wings, but the thaum cost is hideous. Thaums, for those of you unversed in wizardry, are the unit which measures how exhausting a ritual is. Most rituals cost either a thaum or a fraction thereof, most commonly a decithaum. This one cost SIX thaums. I would probably fall unconscious if I tried to pull that off, sadly.

Not that I want fluffy butterfly wings, but flying... would be VERY useful.

The other one was for walking on clouds. Only 2 decithaums, quite reasonable, though it does require an ounce of roc unguent per person. The words 'Big Success' were penciled in, and I smiled. Pegasi ponies can walk on clouds and build cloud cities; I expect Twilight visited one. Good for her, getting out and around some.

I could hear Spike snoring over in her tent. She'd always been kind of reclusive; seeing her out in the world had surprised me a lot. But despite knowing this had to either end in me running for my life or me dying horribly, it was good to see her again, despite the constant low level fear.

I hadn't run away because I didn't like her. She was good company and it was nice to talk to someone smart enough to actually keep up with me. I like ladies, but normally, I seem to end up with... not idiots, but they usually aren't even close to Twilight's level of brains. A lot of smart women seem to shun me for some reason.

But humans and ponies are not meant to date. Everyone has their limits. Even I have my limits.

I need a smoke.

So I got my now dry tobacco and loaded up my pipe. At least I got to keep my new pipe; soon, the belly-dancer engraving was dancing. However, it's hard to see it while you're smoking. Still, I find it endlessly amusing.

The other book was Maeglin Woodwalker's Book of Practical Rituals; I had heard of it, but never touched a copy. For some reason, Umbarth House had stopped printing it fifty years ago and no one else had bothered to violate the copyright.

Which made me a little nervous, as normally Darokinians treat copyright as a courtesy warning, not something to actually STOP someone. Typically, by the time you win a suit in their courts, the copyright period has expired or you both die of old age.

This gives Elves and Dwarfs an edge in suits, I admit.

Maeglin Woodwalker was a great hero who stopped many rampaging monsters, found a lot of treasure and wrote several books to raise money to make potent magical items with. However, he mysteriously vanished about a century ago, which is why Umbarth House had felt free to print his book without paying him anything.

Until they stopped.

Hmm, maybe he's secretly alive and enforcing his copyrights. That would explain a lot.

A version of Terjon's Fabulous Floating Discs and the ritual component is SWAMP GRASS. Twilight had circled this one and I stared. It could NOT possibly be that easy.

TWO THAUMS. OWW. So you get easy, cheap use but you have to burn your own life force like crazy. Of course, Twilight has thaums coming out the... horn... so for her, this is perfect. Especially given she's not physically strong even for a Unicorn.

I puffed away at my pipe, looking for rituals of use. There was one for removing curses which required a 'large diamond'. Way to be vague, Maeglin. It had the pencil note 'Ask Rarity for diamonds'.

Only now did it sink into my brain that Rarity has three diamonds on her flank. Or some sort of clear, slightly blue gem. If she can create diamonds from nothing or summon them...

Ooooooooohhhhhhhh.

I kept reading; several more rites of use, I noticed. Indeed, I went ahead and did one of them, which made my clothing more water-resistant. It just asked for a few decithaums, which I could easily handle.

Why had Twilight circled a ritual for summoning sweater vests? I guess that wouldn't hurt for winter-time but I would think you'd get one that didn't actually fit a pony. She must have circled that one a while back; the lead was somewhat faded. It had a double check mark by it, though.

I eventually finished my pipe, then decided to sleep; the last thing I need is to be so tired I do something foolish like steal Applejack's hat in my sleep.

I paused then paged through the book; no hat-summoning rituals, dammit.

I did another simple ritual to summon a pillow, then laid down in the grass and slept.

**************

"I have a ritual at home," Twilight said apologetically. "None of us usually wear hats except Rarity and Applejack."

"I would gladly make you a hat if I was at home, but I fear I am short on materials," Rarity said, sighing. "I have made some magnificent hats, but they're over a hundred miles away from here." She patted my shoulder.

I had eggs, peaches, and bread for breakfast; it was pretty good. I don't know where Fluttershy got the eggs, but I wasn't going to question it; I just thanked her for it.

"Ivan and I should go take a bath," I told them. "We'll go downstream a little so you don't have to watch. Rarity, do you think you can clean our clothing? And does anyone have any towels or soap?"

"Always carry a towel," Rainbow Dash said, throwing us one.

Applejack had one as well, while Rarity had soap.

"You don't need to go downstream, though," Dash said. "We're all naked anyway."

I can't talk to Ivan in private to ensure we don't die if we're right here. I did my best to stammer in an embarrassed manner.

"Rainbow Dash, there are things which are done and things which are not done," Rarity said firmly. "If they desire privacy for bathing, then we shall give them privacy." She held the towels up with her powers so we could strip behind them so she could clean our clothing in our absence.

"Ain't much use in getting clean; we're gonna be knee deep in filth by lunch," Applejack pointed out.

"They've seen us naked, it's only fair if we see them naked," Rainbow Dash said, hovering, legs folded in front of her chest.

"Yeah, I'm totally naked all the time unless it's a formal occasion," Spike said. "Though I wouldn't say no to a mustache"

A mustache?

We finished stripping, then Rarity fastened the towels around our waists with a loose knot. "Thank you, fair lady," I said to her.

"Your modesty is quite fetching," she said, smiling at me and cocking her head slightly.

That is something I NEVER thought anyone would say to me.

Ivan muttered something and I tried to very subtly frog-punch him. NOT NOW.

"Fetching what?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"What?" Rarity asked.

"Yes, what is... wait, who is named Modesty and what are they fetching?" Rainbow Dash asked.

I prayed this was a pony joke.

"Don't worry about it," Rarity said to Rainbow Dash. "Just let them be."

"It's really not a big deal," Applejack said. "What if an alligator jumps them while they're around the bend? They could get eaten." She frowned at the thought.

Fluttershy said something too soft for me to hear but she looked worried.

Pinkie said, "I could go with them and keep watch." She got up on her hind legs in a stance reminiscent of a bear. "They'll be TOTALLY safe with Pinkie on guard!"

"Pinkie, you really ought to just let them go. I'm sure they'll be fine," Twilight said nervously.

Her being nervous was making ME nervous. Why is she saying it's okay but she's nervous about...

Oh, THAT incident. Which I had forgotten about.

She just couldn't wait to tell me about something she'd read and of course, I was trying to take a bath and wacky embarrassment ensued but nothing bad came of it. Back in my days in Canterlot. When I was blond and tall. I miss that body.

"Come, my dear friend Ivan," I said, dragging him off. "Thank you, everyone, for the towels and the soap." I now hustled Ivan down around the bend.

As we went, I could hear Twilight trying to whisper and half-shouting to the others, "Humans get really embarrassed when you see them naked, then they run around in a panic and fall down and injure themselves or worse. You're going to embarrass them." Her voice was urgent.

"How in Celestia's name do they reproduce?" Applejack asked, sounding dubious. "You can't mate with your clothes on, you know."

We got round the bend and I couldn't hear anything except the panicked tone of Twilight's voice.

"Remember, the better your manners and the more favors you do them, the more they'll reciprocate," I hissed to him once I thought we were out of their earshot. "And follow my lead, I know ponies."

"Are you seriously trying to score with a pony?" he asked me. The fact that he didn't sound very surprised was the most aggravating part. "Is that why you got that tattoo?"

I have a tattoo of a five-jack hand at cards, one of each of the five suits, and it IS on my left buttock, and it was not one of my wiser decisions, but I was DRUNK OFF MY ASS. Sadly, it has no magic, unless you count reminding me of my younger, stupider days. I am a fair hand at cards, though. "NO. I am trying to maintain good relations. Part of that is figuring out what each pony wants and giving it to them," I said firmly to him. "I am not looking to spawn a new line of centaurs."

We both started getting clean; while Applejack was right, I need that brief moment of clean so I don't sink into abject dementia before lunch. "So what is the plan?"

"I don't know," I said. "If we're lucky, Twilight will turn it into a cow or something," I continued. "She had huge amounts of power and now she has even more. Also, Twilight told me that Fluttershy has some sort of stunning spell which might be useful." I rubbed my forehead. "We discussed a lot of options, but they're all risky. I don't know if even Twilight can just polymorph a Grand Wyrm."

"They seem awfully optimistic about this," Ivan said.

"Ponies are hopeful by nature and apparently they have dealt with dragons before," I told him. "Once we get closer, we can decide if we need to run for the hills or stick it out or what."

"So, basically, we don't have a plan and you want some Pony loving so you're going to hold on and hope the universe saves us for no good reason," Ivan said, frowning as he worked on his legs.

My hands clenched. "I am just trying to ensure our survival, Ivan," I said. "And a shot at the treasure if they are right and they can handle it." I could mention the Elements of Harmony but Ivan would probably try to steal them and hock them for ale and whores.

This is why we can never go back to the Minrothad Guilds.

The Water Elves are REALLY vengeful, let me warn you.

"It's not like YOUR plan worked," I continued, trying to scrub my back.

This is why I like to stay at very high-class inns with sexy women who help you bathe. Instead, I am in a swamp, using soap with a picture of a duck carved into it, while standing waist-deep in water with strands of swamp weed in it, while fish tickle my legs.

At least I have both legs.

Why does this soap have a duck on it?

I started to feel more human as the soap did its work; Rarity had mostly cleaned me up yesterday but just sleeping in the swamp had given me new layers of filth.

I HATE THE MALPHEGGI.

"But we ARE naked," I heard Applejack say distantly.

You are never naked so long as you have a nice hat.

"This Dragon has a HELL of a treasure," Ivan said, now working on his arms. You could see his freckles now. I suppose the Ponies would say he's dappled. "Most importantly, he's got the Lock picks of Asterius."

"Seriously?" I said. Holy shit, that's.. anyone who picks locks at all would give their left nut for those. Then use them to steal their left nut back.

"Yeah," Ivan said. "He gave me a vision," he said softly.

"Wait, what?" I said.

"Asterius. I... I'm a candidate for Immortality, I think."

I stared. IVAN? What kind of crazy...

You know, it does make sense for Asterius. I was jealous now. "Holy shit, man, why didn't you say it before?"

"Because probably half the people I recruited would have knifed me for it, and you were drunk off your ass until it was too late," Ivan said, now working on his neck. "I'm sure there's probably some Immortal with their eye on you by now."

"Valerias, I hope," I said, eyes crossing at the thought.

"She has a boyfriend, you know," Ivan said. While neither of us is very religious, I DO know Ixion and Valerias have been an item forever.

But I also know she has a wandering eye.

"I am a man willing to share," I told him, working on my face.

Ivan began laughing very loudly.

"The man who dragged me into a quest without telling me doesn't get to laugh. Tell me you wouldn't happily just have a little of Valerias' time!" I pointed at him.

"Okay, okay, yes," he mumbled, looking embarrassed.

Ivan the Immortal. The idea scares me, but hey, having an Immortal who owes me would be VERY convenient. I'm surprised Asterius didn't eye someone more subtle and clever, though.

Not that I'm thinking of anyone in PARTICULAR.

"So what are we going to do if they find out whatever the hell you did that you're trying to hide?" Ivan asked me.

I believe the word is 'die'.

"If I have to, I will attempt the flight ritual," I told him. Assuming I can actually stay conscious through it, which I am not sure of, having never tried anything that powerful. "That means only two of them could pursue us."

Until Twilight gives herself wings and hunts us to the ends of Mystara and beyond, anyway.

"And Fluttershy's too nice to really chase us down," Ivan said. "Dash, though, she's not mean, but I think she'd enjoy kicking our ass, just to show off she could do it."

I fear that too. But hopefully, we can handle one pony who is not Twilight.

Maybe this will go smoothly and we won't end this running for our lives. At least there's plenty of water to douse flaming asses here.

We discussed ideas for dealing with dragons as we finished washing, then I said, "I really wish I could get my back cleaner."

"I'll help," a woman said.

I passed her the soap and I could feel my back getting clean, but then I saw Ivan staring at me.

Then I realized two things.

One, we were not alone.

Two, IT WAS PINKIE.

I panicked and ran for my life instinctively, images of clinging to a tree branch to the smell of wet horse and wet Ivan in my mind. I heard Ivan shouting about something and then I streaked (literally) through the camp, unable to overcome my survival instincts. Rarity was shouting and Dash said something about size and Twilight was yelling angrily.

OF COURSE I RAN INTO QUICKSAND.

DAMN THIS SWAMP AND MY PANIC REFLEX!

And, of course, I worried about how much she'd heard as I worked on drowning.

There was a flash of light and Twilight landed next to me. "It's okay, I brought you a... ack!"

She immediately sank into the quicksand, towel and all. I grabbed the towel and donned it. "Try to float, don't move too much or it'll stir the suction," I told her. Or something.

"I don't know how to float, I brought a book on swimming but I didn't have time to read it because we had to get to the Dragon quickly!," Twilight said, flailing and sinking.

I caught hold of her hooves. "Pull yourself together," I told her.

She was breathing hard. "Just relax," I said, then sighed. "I'm sorry I got you into this, Twilight."

"I told Pinkie to leave you two your privacy," she said in frustration. "But she got curious or... something... I'm sorry, they don't understand humans and how they need their privacy," she said. "He... Anyway." She sighed. "I think we're stable. I have some Phoenix feathers I stored some spells in, but I can't get them out of my bag and I can't concentrate enough to cast them myself without sinking and drowning." She sounded frustrated.

"We just need to hold on until they find us," I told her. If she could teleport again, we'd be fine, but teleporting tends to drain thaums like crazy. It's more than I can handle. Phoenix feathers? Nice. You can store a spell just shy of completion in one, then complete it in just a few seconds. Great for those times when you need to dispel a ward and don't have a half hour to spend on it because someone is shooting flaming arrows at you.

I guess once Ivan is an immortal... assuming that wasn't someone conning him... Of course it was. Asterius would clearly want someone smarter who understands the whole idea of buttering people up. Poor guy, he's being rooked. Those lock picks probably will eat his soul or something. I can't let that happen to him. But would he even listen if I warned him?

I may have to steal them myself to protect him.

It's for his own good, really. Then we can find out who set him up for this.

"Twilight, do you know anything about quests for immortality?" I asked her.

I could hear distant shouting and running about and something about snakes. "OVER HERE," I shouted to them.

Now I am going to have to take another bath, dammit.

One without any pink horses.

"A little," she said. "I have read Ilsundal's memoirs. And Celestia had me read up on the Pearl the Water Elves of Minrothad used to have that got stolen."

Ahahaha.

"The Wonderbolts recovered it and returned it to them in return for a trade deal. They're very great adventurers," Twilight said a little wistfully. "Rainbow Dash is a good friend of them."

It's good I have trained myself not to show fear or I would just die now.

Well, not show fear except when I panic.

Ahaha.

There was more yelling and something about lizardmen and a noise like someone getting hit in the head with something.

"Oh no, we need to help them," Twilight said, trying to swim but now we sank deeper from her flailing. I managed to keep her head above the surface, barely.

"Careful," I said to her. "We almost went under."

She looked around, then saw a vine. "I am going to telekinesis the vine over. We'll wrap it around you and then you can climb up it while I hold onto you and we'll be out."

"Will it really hold your weight and mine?" I asked, worried. I could help her do it; I know a little magic, though I'm not nearly at her level. She can telekinesis a cow, I can move a couple of coins or a coin purse And so on. I do have a big boom flame spell I'm rather proud of.

Setting the forest on fire would, however, not help.

"You pull yourself out, then you can get the others, and I'll tread quicksand," she said, frowning.

"I can't just leave you in here," I told her. She'll probably drown herself, then Celestia will make me into a puddle of slime and banish me to the moon. A cesspool on the moon.

Who the hell is this 'Luna' person?

Celestia is up to something, I can smell it.

She turned a little red. "I got you into this," she said.

"I'm the fool who panicked and ran into quicksand; you were just trying to save me," I told her.

"Rarity is going to kill me," she said to the quicksand, staring at it.

"Since you didn't dump me or Rarity into this, I am sure she will only be worried over you being okay," I told her. "This is not your fault. Let's try the vine. The worst that can happen is that it breaks."

"And then you fall back in and my weight pulls you to the bottom and you drown and then Rarity makes me into a hat for your tombstone!" Twilight said in a panic. She started thrashing and we now were just barely above the surface. Our heads, anyway.

"I am sure she would not make a friend into a hat, even if she was angry. And if you thrash, we sink," I said, trying to calm her. "Try the vine anyway."

She pulled the vine over, but when I tried to use it, it broke. "That always works in stories," I muttered.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"It's okay," I told her. "If we stay calm, they'll find us. Or do you remember the flight ritual?" I asked her with sudden insight.

"It's really hard and I don't think I can do it and not drown at the same time," she said. "Hmm, maybe I can lift you out, and then you can braid vines to make a rope to pull me out."

"Try it," I told her.

I could still hear chaos in the distance. Then several lizardmen fled past us with fruit splattered across their faces. I couldn't help but laugh a little.

She lifted me out and I made a vine rope, but unfortunately, I wasn't actually strong enough to get her out, though now she was head and shoulders above the surface. I kept trying until, suddenly, the vine moved and I fell backwards and she flew out and over my head, landing on Applejack, who had somehow come up without me noticing. And Pinkie, who now was covered in muck.

"Thank you," I told them, trying to bow.

"Ain't nothin', sugarcube," Applejack said, amused. "I guess you two will need another bath now."

"I'll get you another towel and some more soap!," Twilight said, then teleported off.

Like she could have done earlier.

TWILIGHT!!!!

"I'm sure she'd be happy to scrub your back," Pinkie said cheerfully. "Are you okay?" she then said.

"I'm fine," I said. "Except for embarrassment and nearly dying and nearly taking someone with me." My guilt and my frustration were hitting each other with maces.

"I just wanted to help," Pinkie said. "I thought Twilight was exaggerating." She sounded embarrassed too.

"What happened with the lizardmen?" I asked.

"Pinkie thought she heard something, then kind of got distracted but it was them," Applejack said. "They panicked when you ran naked and then we spotted them. Ivan fights pretty well," she said.

"I hope no one's hurt," I said. Fluttershy probably has some healing but not a lot.

"Nothing too serious," Applejack said. "We're tough little ponies."

Twilight appeared with a fresh towel and soap. "Okay, I promise you, I'll sit on Pinkie until you're done."

"I'll help you clean up, Twilight!" Pinkie said cheerfully to her. "Enjoy your bath, Sammie!"

"Honestly, you're just gonna get dirty AGAIN," Applejack said.

It's the principle of the thing. I am VERY principled.

**************

I couldn't actually say no to the sweater vest which Twilight gave me as an apology, though it'll be warm in this swamp. It had 'TS' blazoned on it, but Rarity rewove it into 'SM' for me.

"I'm so sorry," she said softly to me. "I understand the importance of maintaining some dignity and privacy."

We'd gotten underway and were now trudging through the swamp.

"Thank you, and thank you for reweaving it," I told her, patting her back and she smiled.

"Anything for a friend," she said.

The ritual didn't mention monogramming your true name on it when you summon it. I'd best not risk that one, not that I am likely to need ANOTHER sweater vest in the swamp.

"Is it because they're so small there?" Rainbow Dash whispered to Twilight.

Twilight turned twelve shades of red and babbled about the uses of garlic.

What is... NURG.

Rarity sighed. "She's a dear friend; she would have dove down to the bottom of the quicksand to save you. But no one can do everything well."

"I didn't see any garlic," Rainbow Dash said hesitantly.

"Rainbow Dash, please come over here," I said.

Twilight made an 'I'm sorry' gesture as Rainbow Dash ZOOMED over. "Hey, what's up, Marcus?" she asked with a kind of hearty fellow well met tone I know well. It's the sound of someone trying to bluff past a faux paux.

"Humans typically only get naked for bathing and sex," I told her. "It's generally frowned on to run around naked in front of people of the opposite sex, though married couples and lovers may bathe together. Or parents with young children."

"Why?" she asked.

"It embarrasses people," I told her. Especially when it's insane pink ponies.

"That is not an answer," she said, frowning. "Saying it embarrasses you because it embarrasses you."

"Too much seeing each other naked usually sends humans into heat," I said, trying to put it in pony terms.

Her eyes crossed. "But you're seeing me naked ALL THE TIME," she said in a sudden panic.

"But I'm not naked," I told her. "Also, naked ponies doesn't set us off or we'd be in trouble."

She gave a sigh of relief. "I can see how that would be embarrassing."

"Anyway, it's okay. I've made a fool of myself, nearly died, and now I'm mostly clean and it's all good," I told her. Pinkie is going to be the death of me if Twilight and Celestia aren't first. "So I hear you're a weather pony?"

"Yeah. But it's a LOT harder outside Equestria. I don't know how you all stand the crazy random weird weather out here," she said, looking around. "Why make it this hot? I'm surprised everything doesn't wither."

"The Malpheggi has been like this for hundreds of years; the plants all got used to it," I told her. "Do you think you could make a dense fog?"

"Hah! EASY," she said and started to zoom up.

"No wait, not yet!" I shouted and she came back.

"Oh wait, you're thinking we could fog up the dragon's entrance to his lair, so he comes out to fight us and gets lost, right?" Rainbow Dash said excitedly.

"Yes," I said, surprised. Unknowing, not stupid, I told myself, revising her profile in my head. "Are we going to fight him? Or what?"

"I think we will try to negotiate a deal first, then fight if we have to," Rarity said. "Dragons are dangerous." She shivered.

"Oh, I showed that last one what for," Rainbow Dash said, miming punches. "I can take him down," she said confidently.

I looked at Rarity, who shook her head. "I know you will fight valiantly," she said to Dash.

Exactly the way to do it.

"Is that armor?" Rainbow Dash asked me.

"My leather can reduce damage from blades," I told her.

"No, the fuzzy thing." Dash touched my sweater vest

"It's a gift from Twilight," I said. Rarity had to adjust it; it was cut more for a human woman. It's pretty stylish, but hot.

Dash looked at Rarity, looked at me, looked back at Twilight, who was reading and marching at the same time, then said, "Okay," sounding a little confused.

"I adjusted it to fit him," Rarity said, smiling a little.

"OH," Dash said. She relaxed.

Dammit, I am not getting something.

I suddenly felt INTENSE DEATH GAZE.

It was Spike, trying to set me on fire just for being alive. Does he know? He certainly has the 'DIE IN A FIRE' gaze down. Why else would he care?

Dash said, "Time to go play with Spike! He can help me scout!"

She swooped over, grabbed him and flew off with him.

"Please tell me I didn't trample him in my panic," I said to Rarity.

She sighed. "It's nothing, darling. He's still quite young and you know how children are."

"I know," I told her. "I was a child once." It feels like another universe.

Possibly it was, given some of my mishaps.

Deep beneath the Great School of Magic in Glantri City, there is a door. It is labeled 'Do Not Open EVER.' Of course Sergei opened it.

If you ever find it, DO NOT OPEN IT or visit the plane on the other side of it. Dimension. I don't know what it was, but I AM NEVER GOING BACK.

We chatted as the quest continued forwards.

*************

"You're a farmer?" I asked Applejack as we rumbled on through the swamp. Dash thought we could reach close to the lair tonight, which means tomorrow we scout out the area and figure out a plan. I was taking this chance to circulate and feel out the rest of the party.

"I'm a fair hand in a scrap but my real talent is growing apples," Applejack said. Which does, admittedly, match her Cutie Mark. I suppose she mainly fights with her lasso, which she's quite nimble with.

"How good are you at lassoing something in the air?"

"Depends on how fast it's goin'," she said.

Earth Ponies are mind-bogglingly strong, or at least some are. I know it only takes four to pull a 'train' and those things must weigh tons. "I'm wondering if you could snare a dragon's leg and pull it to the ground. Maybe even making it crash if it was going too fast to stop."

"It would have to fly a mite low for me to reach, but I reckon I could," she said thoughtfully. "Depends on the size, mind you. Dragons can be a mite huge."

"Someone could bait it to fly low, then you could snag it," I mused. "You're from Ponyville, right?"

"Ever been there?" she asked.

"I must confess I don't even know where to find it on a map. My apologies," I told her. "I only know the big picture of Equestrian geography."

"About forty-eight miles northwest of Fort Nar, between Cloudsdale and Hoofington," Applejack said. "There's no direct route from Ponyville to Fort Nar, though; they'd have to go through the Everfree and only crazy people and us do that." She shook her head.

Okay, that pins it down pretty well for me. "Seems dangerously close to the Malpheggi."

"First you hit the Everfree, THEN you hit the Malpheggi," she said. "Mind you, the Everfree ain't no better than this, though I guess it is drier."

"So what brought you to join an adventuring party?" I asked curiously. She doesn't seem like she has the need to go plunging into danger like Ivan and I do. Admittedly, in part because she likely never has to run for her life.

"Ah do mah part to defend Ponyville and Equestria," Applejack said. "I ought to be home working the farm, but if this dragon keeps raiding, I may end up with NO farm. And of course, I can't just let my friends get in trouble with out me." She shook her head. "How about you?"

"I have too much curiosity for my own good," I told her and she laughed, but I laughed too. "Seems like the world wants me to wander. I hate the Malpheggi, but mostly I like seeing new places."

"Then you should come back to Ponyville with us, stay for a while," she said. "It's a good town, very friendly, and maybe you'd get rid of that case of the nervous nellies you've got." Her voice was blunt but not hostile.

I laughed nervously. She is... honesty... uuurgh. "The Malpheggi makes me nervous." That IS true. Can she detect lies? How fucked am I? "And the other thing, that's just how humans are raised."

"Didya come from a noble family?" she asked curiously.

"No, but I've been around nobles enough to come off well in high society," I told her. "Your family probably has more money than mine did." I think. I don't remember my childhood well any more and sometimes it seems like my memories contradict each other.

But the past is dead and gone, right?

And I am not.

"Then you'd be fine in Ponyville. No pretensions there. Well, a little from Rarity, but it seems to me you like that." She gave me a look which made my marrow shake; there was a kind of odd cunning to it, like she was seeing through to the heart of me.

"I must confess I enjoy elegant company, but please don't take that as a slight," I told her. "Ivan and I are old friends, and he is rather rough, as you've no doubt noticed. But we always look out for each other." Which is why I can't let this fake immortal sucker him.

"He's not what you'd call smooth," Applejack said, watching him talking to Rainbow Dash; they were both laughing loudly. "But I don't look for smooth m'self."

"The best friends are different from you; their strengths cover your weaknesses, their weaknesses, you cover with your strengths. Everyone can't be good at everything, but the sum is more than the whole of its parts. As Didymus said in his Machina Explicata, 785 AC." This is in chapter 12, 'Never Split the Party'. A very useful book for a man of adventure like myself.

"So you're a scholar like Twilight, too?"

"I dabble in many things," I told her. "You can call me a jack of all trades." Her hat now tried to tempt me but I ignored it. "I do a little magic." I called on one of my best learned tricks, snapping off two branches, then making them sword fight in the air. "I can't move nearly the weight a Unicorn can, but I can move lightweight things, light small fires, do some other tricks. I have a couple of combat spells. And I can do fancier things if I have a book of rituals. Unfortunately, every book I own usually dies horribly within a month or two." I sighed. "Or I end up giving it to someone."

"I guess that's the price of wanderin' so much," Applejack said. "I had some wanderlust when I was younger, went down to Manehattan, but in the end, I didn't feel right until I came back home," she said thoughtfully. "You been back to Thyatis, lately?"

"Not for a while," I told her. "So you went to Manehattan?" She doesn't sound like a Manehattanite.

She now told me the whole story, which you probably already know. In brief, she dreamed of the sophisticated big city, went to live there, got lonely for the country, came home, and settled down, content to be a country girl.

It reminded me, though, of the Shearing in Karameikos; many kids go to their parents, get their hair cut and set out to see the world around fifteen, sixteen, seventeen or so. Most of those Sheared return home after a few years, their youthful rebellion spent, money in pocket, ready to settle down and become adults. Those who don't, they had too much wild in them to have settled down happily. They're happier in the world. Everyone wins. Ivan was one of those who never came back.

For some reason, the trees were moving. I blinked at them; wondering why Applejack was turning different colors. "Are you trying to blend like a chameleon?"

"Whoah there, Marcus, you don't look so hot."

"I'm fine, it would be rude of me to discard this fine gift," I said, suddenly aware of how hot I was and how much I was sweating.

I should take this off, really but it's probably a magical sweater of protection or something that Twilight made and the world is spinning, oh dear...

THUNK.

*****************

I awoke, sans sweater vest At least I was on nice dry grass. "I am alive, right?"

"You betcha," Applejack said. "Does your head hurt?"

It was resting on something soft. "Am I using someone as a pillow?"

"It's me," Pinkie said behind me. "Feeling better?"

"Yes," I said.

"I'm so sorry," Rarity said, sounding guilty.

"Me too," Twilight said, worried.

"It's okay," I said. "A gift should be cherished in the spirit it was given. It felt good to be in something new and clean I hadn't worn for days and days over and over," I said grandly, trying to stand. I wobbled but rose, leaning on Rarity as she moved over to me. "And I couldn't let your work go to waste, Rarity." No one kisses ass like I kiss ass. I am a true master. Here's another order of curried favor!

"Save it for cold weather," Rarity said, smiling. "Twilight froze some ice to put on your head; I hope it helped."

"It feels much better," I said.

I could see Ivan shaking his head, but I just smiled. "And thank you, Twilight," I said to her.

"I didn't even think about it being more of a winter item," Twilight said. She frowned. "The book just assumes you know."

"Well, it was written with humans in mind. I expect I wouldn't know which plants are safe to eat and which not in Equestria, but you do," I told her. That cheered her up a little.

I have to keep my head about me. Currying favor at the expense of my own health is, I think, a little too far, when I need to ensure that I don't die horribly at the hands of a dragon soon.

I have to keep my wits about me and not bake my brain.

I wish I could hold onto that until winter; it would be nice, but I suspect it will go the way of all my wealth.

Such is my life, a life of poverty and fits of terror with brief moments of joy that enable me to go on. But it beats staying at home. Whatever Applejack may think.

*************

A little later, as we were traveling, Rainbow Dash said to me, "I hear you know magic stuff, right?"

"Yes," I told her.

"Good, you can come scout with me; I'll look for normal stuff, you handle the magic," she said.

Shit. I HATE SCOUTING. But I can't back out now without looking pathetic; it won't matter once I run for the hills, but until then, I have to look cool, admirable, fearless.

"I don't know if I can keep up with you," I told her. "You fly very quickly."

"I fly so fast, I can outrun SOUND," she said. "Perfect stealth."

Okay, I am VERY envious.

I could use that.

"Isn't it hard to see anything at that speed?" I asked.

"Umm, yeah. It's only for wide open spaces," she said, then sighed. "Anyway, I think you can ride me; you don't look too heavy."

"Okay, if you don't mind."

"Twilight insisted I take you," Rainbow Dash said, shrugging. "And yeah, someone to find magic stuff would be good; there may be dragon magic traps or something."

I studied Rainbow Dash. "I'm too big to ride you, though."

"We have a clever plan," Rainbow Dash said.

That doesn't bode well.

She took me back to where Twilight Sparkle was studying a book intently. "Okay, I believe this spell will let me make Rainbow Dash big enough to carry you without making her too big."

Spike laughed and Twilight frowned. "I know what I'm doing THIS time," she said.

"I need to be at least twenty percent bigger," Rainbow Dash said. Rarity snorted, and Applejack and Pinkie both laughed loudly. Spike grinned too.

I don't get it. Ivan laughed. What does he know that I don't?

Unless this like that Alph... no, no, I am still trying to forget that.

Twilight began chanting and I felt the glow of magic. This was Enlarge Person or something similar. Pretty easy low level magic. She carefully pronounced each syllable from the book and light washed over Rainbow Dash, who grew about thirty percent bigger. "I could make you really big, but it will last longer this way," Twilight said.

Rainbow Dash was about the size of those steppe ponies the Ethengars use, but much more colorful and, well, both more benevolent and more intelligent. Those things are bastards like their owners.

"Sweet," Rainbow Dash said, stretching her bigger wings. "Come on, Marcus, mount up!"

I mounted up and she took to the skies. I held on as best I could, feeling mounting terror, gripping me so tightly that I couldn't even cry out in fear. She was grinning manically as she zoomed up and over the swamp, moving in a complex search pattern, while I tried to keep an eye out for anything arcane. My ass began to hurt more and more as I'm not used to riding horses.

There was something... "Back up, I think I saw something by that pool."

The pool in question was maybe forty feet across with muck on the surface and the skeletal remains of an alligator next to it, cut in half. Halfling bones poked up out of the muck and grass and bushes around it and a half-dozen rivulets of water ran into or out of the pond; tall plants grew inside the water along its edge, but the middle just had strands of water-weed.

There was something magical at the bottom.

"Some treasure lies below the surface," I told her.

"Diving time!" she said before I could stop her. She dove down and the water churned. I GOT DRAGGED UNDER, SCREAMING.

Then we came up, now draped in pond weed and pond scum, with her clutching a brazier made of black metal, coated in ice, by its metal handles. She had it gripped in her powerful and now thirty-percent larger teeth.

ICE? In this weather?

Rainbow Dash passed it to me, then shook us dry and clean, forming a rainbow that arched right over me; she looked proud and I applauded. "This looks familiar," I said. It had carry handles that were not frozen but the rest of it... why ice? I held my hand near the main body of it; I felt it sucking at my body heat.

Then the bones started moving. "Undead!" I shouted.

We ZOOMED out of there instead of fighting them all and I decided I liked Rainbow Dash. Most heroic types would have stuck around to fight them all.

Screw that, you get the loot and RUN! Like a sensible person!

Maybe scouting isn't so bad.

**************

"You left an undead army wandering loose?" Twilight said, stunned.

"More like an undead company, really," Rainbow Dash said, clearly trying to use the 'Shift Blame' spell. One that all adventurers must learn.

"There was no way the two of us could have handled it," I said. "It was my decision," I lied. "She wanted to stay but I thought it best to withdraw and get reinforcements." Now she owes me. I'll take some heat for this, but nothing I can't overcome.

"Yeah, I was going to clobber them!," Rainbow Dash said boldly, miming punching skeletons out. "But I couldn't protect Marcus and fight them all at once."

"I... can't we just avoid them?" Fluttershy said. "We need to conserve our strength for the dr... dragon. And probably they just don't like strangers."

"They're probably going to hunt us down to try to get their brazier back; it probably *made* them," Applejack said. "What do you think, Twilight?"

Twilight and Spike were busy digging through books.

"I vote for avoiding them," Ivan said. "I'm with Fluttershy, save our strength for the dragon. But make sure that thing isn't evil." He eyed it suspiciously.

"I'm working on it," Twilight said. "Marcus, can you look through Krangon's?"

Krangon was a halfling adventurer from about fifty years ago; he visited the Malpheggi among other places and volume 4 of his memoirs deals with it. That's the one she brought. She tossed it to me and I started skimming.

Rainbow Dash lurked by me, reading over my shoulder. I moved a little to make it easier for her, though I was probably going to fast for her to keep up easily.

"Damn, you read fast," she said.

"I can't fly like you but I can turn pages with the best of them," I said dryly and she laughed.

"There we go," she said; I had nearly gone by a picture of the brazier but I guess she's used to processing visuals quickly if she can outrace sound.

Damn, I am so jealous of that!

"It's a crucible of Blackflame, a kind of fire which is cold," I said. "The Halflings use it for making magical items. Nothing here about it making or being used by undead. It says it comes from the Nightmare dimension." Everything is backwards in the Nightmare dimension; if we enter it, we go mad, but beings from there go mad in the face of our universe. Their fire is cold, their water is dry, and so on.

"So they probably stole it," Rainbow Dash said hesitantly.

"Given those were Halfling bones, it's likely something killed them and turned them into undead, but somehow the crucible got dumped in the pond," I said. "I don't know why they would have had a crucible with them, though; according to this, they're found usually in Halfling clanholds."

Of which I think there are roughly a hundred in the Shires and more elsewhere.

"Well, we can see about returning it to the Shires later," Twilight said. "Maybe I can get the ice off, see what clan it belongs to."

Of course the Ponies will want to return it to the original owners instead of selling it and splitting the wealth. Dammit, they're always so goody goody!

"Oh man," Ivan said. "That thing..."

I gave him the *hide what you are thinking* glare.

"Are you sure it won't kill us all?" Ivan asked nervously.

"It's perfectly safe as long as no one tries to put fuel in it or light it," Twilight said.

There was a deep and terrible silence.

I knew, in my gut, what was happening this very moment.

My head swiveled and found Pinkie trying to roast marshmallows over it.

Everyone stared in horror.

She laughed. "Psych! I didn't turn it on!"

We all fell over.

"I don't even know how to," Pinkie confessed. "But you should see the look on your faces!" She rolled around in the grass, laughing.

Then Rainbow Dash started laughing loudly. "Good one, Pinkie."

I snagged the brazier before something could happen like laughing turning it on.

Okay, it was kind of funny. I might have smiled just a little.

But dangerous. Who knows what kind of crazy stuff this thing may do. Time to read up on it.

*************

We picked our way forwards through the swamp, wading through knee-deep water and trying to arc off to the left of where the undead were. Rainbow Dash, now back to normal, and Fluttershy flew high to keep watch.

Ivan and Applejack spent the WHOLE TIME talking about farming. I knew he came from a farm family, but I thought the whole point of him leaving was to never touch wheat again. However, he and Applejack were discussing something called 'Three Sisters Agriculture', which was NOT some sort of sex position as you would think.

Apparently, it involves growing beans, corn and squash together, which strikes me as a good way to become very gaseous.

While they plotted to give us all gas, Twilight and I talked magic shop; it was a reminder of why I stayed in Canterlot long enough for everything to blow up in my face. Every so often, I noticed Spike glaring at me; I still don't know for sure why he's mad. None of the reasons could be good, though.

We were studying the Crucible of Blackflame, which made me nervous and interested at once. Spike was carrying it for us and a half-dozen books were floating in the air. "Okay, so each Halfling Clan has one of these, which means some clan either lost theirs or they all moved here and died," Twilight said, frowning at the idea.

"Or someone stole it," I said.

"All the undead are halflings," she pointed out. "Except for the alligator."

"Maybe halflings used to live here," Spike said. "Lots of fish, and they could make rice paddies easily." It's easy to forget Spike has a pretty good education, especially as he's still childish. But he's not stupid and he knows more than you'd think.

"This doesn't seem very ideal for their burrows," Twilight said, looking down at the knee-deep water. It was more like waist-deep on Spike.

"You think you could get Winona to actually put the fish in the ground without eating them?" Ivan said to Applejack, sounding surprised.

Who?

"Hmm, so you need something flammable to ignite it," I said, studying the layer of frost. "Which might be hard to do with the cold and the ice. Though I do have a fire spell which might do it."

"Ignatius' Igneous Ignition?" Twilight asked.

Rarity was busy talking to Pinky. Something about a cat. Or an alligator? Rarity was fretting over whether her sister was taking care of their pets. AHH. I'm sure Rarity's sister is reliable, though, if she's much like Rarity.

I remember the time Ivan, Helga, and I stupidly agreed to take care of that damn Flaemish wizard's familiar while he was in Parliament. The Glantrian Parliament, that is. Stupid Salamander.

By the way, flame spells make them STRONGER.

"Vanderhoven's Spiraling Fiery Burst," I told her. "I learned it from Pieter Vanderhoven, a Glantrian Wizard, after the HELL known as taking care of his familiar."

Spike is, I think, Twilight's familiar. "HEY," Spike said.

"Nothing personal, Spike. You're intelligent, you don't run around burning everything, and you don't keep trying to climb up the chimney," I told him apologetically. "It was a salamander."

Rarity and Pinkie now came up to us. "What's this?" Rarity asked.

I had to tell them the whole story. They were busy laughing at me, except for Applejack and Ivan, who were trying to figure out how many beans a human needed to eat.

If humans 'need' to eat beans, I am in trouble.

Rainbow Dash now dropped down from the sky and said, "We've got trouble. The Undead are following us."

Ivan grimaced. "They probably are tracking the Crucible."

"I'm thinking we should dump it, then," Applejack said.

DUMP TREASURE?

Even LOKI would never dump treasure. And he's an EVIL TRICKSY BASTARD.

So are his priests. They built a whole country around LYING. How Hule works, I'll never understand.

"Dump treasure? I'm pretty sure that's immoral in every religion," Ivan said frantically.

Agreed.

"We can't just throw away treasure," Rarity said firmly. "I am losing income every day my shop is closed. That thing has to be valuable to someone."

A woman after my own heart.

"Oooh, I bet I could make ice cream in it," Pinkie said.

I suspect it would be dangerous ice cream.

"It's too valuable to throw away," Twilight said. "And undead can't be bargained with." She sighed. "Not most undead, anyway. There was this one book..."

"About a lonely Boldavian prince of the night?" I said. No one has ever proven the rulers of Boldavia in Glantri are vampires. Just as no one has ever *proven* Celestia is a Pony and not someone engaged in a really, really thorough impersonation of a Pony. Or proven with irrefutable proof that I am human or Spike is a dragon or Twilight is a Pony.

Her eyes widened and lit up. "You read it?"

There are a ton of crappy books for people about romantic Boldavian vampires. I suspect someone in Prince Mikhail's family churns them out to raise money for fancy coffins for everyone.

"I wouldn't take those as truth," I told her, and her face crashed. "They're intended as entertainment."

She sighed.

"Anyway, this thing is too valuable to throw away and they might chase us anyway, given undead tend to want to eat tasty creatures like Ponies and Humans," I said.

"Actually, Ponies are MUCH tastier than Humans," Fluttershy said.

WHY DOES SHE KNOW THIS???

Spike raised an eyebrow at Fluttershy.

"But candy is TASTIER than either! If we make people out of candy, maybe they'll eat the candy people and leave us alone," Pinkie said hopefully, then began digging in her saddlebags.

"We haven't got the facilities to make candy, and I think they smell the living," Rarity said.

"I didn't bring any of my field guides to the undead, because I assumed we'd only meet swamp monsters and dragons," Twilight said, frustrated. "I need some spell I can pull books out of my library with."

"Can you send or receive books, Spike?" I asked him.

"No, too long," he said. "I could send someone a letter and ask them to go look in the library but by the time they find it, probably zombies will be trying to eat us." He studied me suspiciously.

Did I ask Spike about that in the old days? I racked my brain, trying to figure out if I had, but it's too much of a blur. I only remember the big events, like the time we were in the library so late the castle librarian fell asleep on on our books to make us leave.

Or maybe just fell asleep.

We'd been knee-deep in a discussion of ring theory. I don't remember why, so we went back to her chambers and continued the discussion until we both fell asleep on the floor.

Man, Spike makes good waffles.

"Waffles?" Twilight said.

FUCK ME. PLEASE LET ME ONLY HAVE SAID WAFFLES.

"Focus, sugarcube," Applejack said. "We need to decide what to do about the dead."

"I suggest we press on to something drier," I said. "Ivan and I can fight better if we aren't slogging through water."

"Me too," Applejack said. "Throws my speed and coordination off a mite."

"There's a rocky outcropping," Rainbow Dash said. "Up ahead. About a half mile."

"Is it dry?" Rarity asked.

"Yes."

We agreed to head for the outcropping. Rainbow Dash got Twilight to enlarge her again, then took me with her so we could make sure it didn't have any traps on it.

See, normal people don't have to worry if ordinary terrain features have traps, but in my line of work, EVERYTHING has traps in it.

Possibly even waffles.

Dammit, I want Spike to make me waffles now.

"Hey, thanks for covering for me earlier," Rainbow Dash said to me sheepishly.

"That's what friends are for, right?" I told her. You can't really call someone a friend you just met, but being SEEN as one is a very valuable tool.

She smiled brightly. "Yeah, exactly. Friends take care of each other. You're an alright guy, Samus Marcus. I was kind of worried about you, but I guess that Erik guy was an unusual bad apple." She laughed. "Geez, I sound like Applejack."

The wind battered at me; Rainbow Dash was flying at a good clip but not too fast, soaring over the trees. It was more fun and less terrifying this time, and I envied her. To fly whenever you want, that must be wonderful.

"It is wonderful," she said. "And, of course, I'm one of the greatest flyers in Equestria!" She demonstrated with a loop-de-loop which nearly flung me off into the swamp. "Ack, I'm not used to carrying anyone."

Only now did I realize I had voiced my thoughts AGAIN. If I am not careful, I am going to die.

"Humans can't fly unless they use magic," I told her. "Though there are some winged humans and elves in Alphatia." Though that might have been magic too. Alphatia is an ancient empire, thousands of years old, ruled by anyone who can spell-cast. Everyone else is a flunky at best. Glantri wants to be Alphatia, but is basically a cheap rip-off.

"You do magic... I guess you don't have a horn, though," she said thoughtfully.

"It's the fruit of hard study. I EARNED my magic," I said. "I taught myself from a book I got on an adventure." I later found out it was one of the introductory books from the Great School of Magic.

Okay, I bought it because it had a mostly naked Elf on the cover. I was sixteen, okay?

Why Glantrians had mostly naked Elves on the cover of a school textbook, I don't know. It certainly is an inducement to study magic.

"I went to the flight academy in Cloudsdale," she said. "I don't know if you've heard of it," she continued hesitantly, glancing back at me.

"Cloud city, center for weather production, right?" I said. Equestria, like Alfheim and parts of Alphatia and Glantri, has managed weather. The Pegasi Ponies fly around, controlling it. They all have a knack, but some are better than others.

"Yeah, I'm a weather pony. And I won an award for best Junior Flyer!" she said proudly. "I got to save the Wonderbolts and now I'm pals with them!" She sounded really excited about that.

We now reached the outcropping. It looked rather odd, a mix of grey and black rocks all jumbled together and fused into huge chunks, rising out of the swamp. The land rose north of it to where the water was just ankle-deep and on the west side of it, a stream flowed south. Hardy berry bushes and moss grew on it but no grass. The fire-blackened skull of a dragon of middling age sat on the south face of it, halfway down the slope and a few other dragon bones stuck out of the rocks.

"Look, you're a guy, right?" Rainbow Dash said nervously.

...

"You saw me naked," I said. And commented on my genitalia. Actually, let's forget that ever happened too.

"I'm sorry, I am trying to figure out how to ask this. It's just, I kind of don't have a lot of guy friends," she said nervously.

Whatever she's going to ask me, it's going to be bad. I can SMELL it. "If this is about male Ponies, I can try to help, but I know more about male humans," I told her. I now began casting a spell to hopefully find any magical energies.

She circled the outcropping as I did this. I noticed a long flow of fused rock down the east side. Surely this isn't some kind of volcano. There's no feeling of heat from it. And it's too small, I think.

"Well, I...umm... I think there's enough similarity. This isn't about anatomy," Rainbow Dash said. "From the stories I've heard, Humans and Ponies... they...umm... Has a girl ever made you a pie?" she said frantically.

What?

"I have been fortunate enough to eat food made for me by many ladies," I told her. "Did you make someone you like a pie and you can't judge his reaction to it?"

"What, no, this is just totally theoretical," she said. LYING LIKE A RUG. "If, by chance, a girl made a guy a pie and he got sick but said it was okay... would it mean he was just being polite and now hates her forever?" she asked nervously.

Wow, this is a flashback to when I was eleven or so. But I suppressed the urge to laugh. Never mock people who you want to get on their good side unless they clearly like teasing.

"Is he the honest, athletic, rugged type like you?" I asked.

"Yes," she said nervously.

No sign of magical traps on the hill, thank you, but now I was nervous it might erupt. I don't have any spells for that, thanks to my usual inability to hold onto ritual books for long.

"It means he really does like you," I told her. "But next time, maybe you should get Pinkie to help you."

"I wanted to make it myself," she mumbled.

"But any true man knows that if a woman makes him food, she likes him." I paused. "Unless she's a baker like Pinkie, anyway."

She relaxed. "But this isn't about me," she then said, un-relaxing, and waving her forelimbs frantically.

"Try touching down on it," I told her. "You can tell your 'friend' that the guy likes her," I said kindly.

She landed lightly on top. A rock shifted but her footing was steady. Good visibility from here, lots of places to hide. So what horrible deadly doom am I not seeing?

"I'll try making another pie after this," she said. "I mean...umm..."

"I am sure he will enjoy the pie," I told her, hoping I wasn't sending her down a blind alley. But I'll be long gone before she tries making him another pie. I wonder which one of the Wonderbolts it is. Not that I know much about them beyond their appearance and some of their... "Oh, you know the Wonderbolts, right? Did they ever tell you about their adventure recovering an artifact for the Minrothad Guilds?"

"Those Guilders are ASSHOLES. Greedy, greedy, greedy," she said, spitting on a rock. "But you're not like that, thankfully."

"Aren't there ponies in the Guilds?" I asked.

"CRAZY ponies who think bits are the only things which matters," Rainbow Dash said, shaking her head. Bits are what Equestrians call gold pieces. "Even Applejack and Rarity don't think that."

The Minrothad Guilds control islands off southeast of here, beyond Ierendi. They're major sea traders and compete with Thyatis to control the sea trade. For understandable reasons, they don't like me very much, though I don't THINK they've figured out everyone they hate is the same person. I'm kind of under a few Black Marks, where they are out to kill me but they can't FIND me in this body. Hah!

Twitch.

Anyway, the Pearl was IVAN'S fault, not mine. I only helped.

Anyway, the Islands are home to all five sentient races, who work together in remarkable harmony to get everyone else in the multiverse's gold, by trade, theft, piracy, stealing intellectual property and so on.

If they weren't so greedy, they'd be kind of inspirational, really. Hard working, racial cooperation, no internal wars... but totally greedy.

"This seems like a good place to make a stand, but I feel like I'm missing something," I told Rainbow Dash.

"It looks fine to me," she said. "As long as we don't have to sleep on it."

You know, I can use my new sweater vest as a pillow. That would be nice. It's nice and soft. "Okay, let's get the others, then."

"So do you know this Erik guy who Twilight had her trouble with?" she asked me as she took off.

"Not any more than you know every pony in Equestria," I lied smoothly. "I don't even know what exactly happened beyond people saying she was moping."

"No one knows, beyond him running away and some kind of drinking game with books and... what kind of drinking game involves BOOKS?" Rainbow Dash asked. "Even Berry doesn't know any book drinking games."

I know far too much about exactly what kind of drinking game involves books. Twilight, in fact, had a book of drinking games for book lovers.

Of course.

"I'd be afraid to ruin the book spilling something on it," I told her.

"I kind of got rainbow all over a textbook one time," Dash said ruefully.

Well, I can say I NEVER have done that.

And hopefully never will.

"He probably was from the Northern Reaches with a name like that," I told her. I was claiming to be a Vestlander at that point but it would give up too much if I somehow 'guessed' that.

"Do they break women's hearts a lot up there?" she asked.

"They do in Ostland," I said. "They're all crazy raiding maniacs there." And the women are hot but insane. Anyway, Ostland has earned my wrath, so I don't mind dumping on them.

She grimaced. "That explains that."

"You really care about Twilight," I said softly.

"Yeah, we're pals. I'd do anything for a pal," she said. "But I'll have to save flying to Ostland and kicking his ass for later."

"Better not go alone; they're pretty tough," I told her. I just need to deflect suspicion from myself, not get her killed trying to hunt someone imaginary.

"Well, right now, we have to focus on this," she said. "You holding up okay?" she asked softly.

Why... OH. "Having something else to focus on lets me get by," I told her.

She nodded. "Yeah. It does." She didn't volunteer what she might want to get by from and I didn't pry.

You know, Ivan and I could finally get into that damn tower with the help of someone like her. Assuming the map isn't full of TOO many lies.

And assuming we still had the map, but I THINK I remember where that tower in the Broken Lands is.

She could just fly around until we found it!

This would, however, get in the way of running for the hills. Though if this DOES end smoothly... Well, I'll contemplate that later.

Especially since I know better than to think dealing with a Great Wyrm EVER goes smoothly.

***************

Rainbow Dash left me there to secure the position. This made me VERY nervous, but I only had to kill a single snake which popped out and tried to kill me for no good reason. I was busy hunting for more snakes when the others arrived, splashing through the water.

Rarity paused, then stared at the rocks. I blinked, following her gaze.

"Oooh, did you find gems?" Spike asked, drooling a little.

"There's LOTS of gems in these rocks," Rarity said. She concentrated and various points began to glow, especially along the fused rock on the east side.

"We can dig for gems later, once the undead are gone," Applejack said. "So hold your horses, Spike."

"Oh man!"

I nodded. "I'll help you dig them up, Rarity."

Spike glared super-death at me. Why does he care if I help dig up gems? I know he likes to eat them but surely he isn't going to eat them all. "I can handle it," he said.

"We'll all help," Twilight said. "Maybe we can use these to bribe the Dragon."

"Hmm, good idea," Ivan said, nodding.

We disposed our force along the south and east slope, hoping the river would shield our western flank. Twilight and Rarity took up positions near the peak with Fluttershy over them. Rainbow Dash, Pinkie, and I were on the south slope, Ivan and Applejack on the east. Spike stood at the very corner. Fluttershy now began to sing and scatter seeds and they began to grow up into brambles around our three open sides. GO DRUID!

Twilight began reading from a book, tendrils of magic reaching around the rocks and Rarity now concentrated; a dozen finely crafted arrows rose out of her right saddlebag, each with an engraved head with her Cutie Mark set into it in blue-gem slices. The shafts were smooth oak and the feathers were bright and colorful and carefully cut to match each other for balance. "Wow," I said. They were the most beautiful arrows I have ever seen.

"I will act as the last line of defense for Twilight, but until then, I can support with arrows," Rarity said. "And Fluttershy and I support each other."

Hmm, interesting, I wonder how. I peered off through the steamy wetlands towards where the undead would appear, getting ready to cast.

When I saw them, I opened up with pyrotechnics to mark their position. I can't make very huge ones, unfortunately, but it was enough to give the signal for everyone else to FIRE.

Twilight did a set of signs with her hooves and finished her spell. The ground cracked and black tendrils thrust up, grabbing some of the halfling zombies and beginning to crush them. She looked pleased and determined. Evard's Black Tentacles. He was a Svart-Alfen from the Northern Reaches, I think.

Ivan and Applejack and Spike all held their ground for now, waiting for the enemy to get within range. Rainbow Dash hovered; she clearly wanted to go HIT HIT HIT but Twilight had told her to hold her ground.

Pinkie... began a fan dance. She's remarkably nimble on only two legs and she began singing a song about laughing at ghosts and facing your fears. Somehow, it eased my fears about facing these creatures. I feel strange without fear, like something is missing. I could see the others relax, too. Bards are pretty nice and for all that Pinkie is crazy, she's good at her job.

Rarity studied the onrushing hordes; there were dozens of halfling zombies and skeletons, a skeletal alligator with two independently moving halves, a dozen or so spectral halflings and one shambling corpse limned with blackflame. Unfortunately, Twilight's tentacles had mainly grabbed the slow moving, easy to grab halflings.

"Don't touch the spectral ones with your flesh," Twilight said, pointing them out. "Rarity, if you can hurt them, focus fire on them, because Dash and Applejack and Pinkie can't fight them safely. Marcus, Ivan, your swords can hurt them, right?"

Great, just because I have a magical sword, I GET TO FIGHT THE LIFE FORCE SUCKING UNDEAD. This is the story of my life.

I might have just panicked, but I couldn't run with Pinkie singing. It was too soothing.

Now I know what I will hear when I die.

Rarity concentrated, arrow flickering back and forth as she aimed it with precision. Then she pushed it mentally and it flew with grace and beauty into the left breast of one of the spectral figures and stuck, hovering there. It howled and swatted at it, but it stayed stuck and now Fluttershy began to sing and branches sprouted from the shaft, wrapping around and trapping the creature. Not bad at all.

The lead elements of the wave now hit the massive brambles, and pressed on, getting tangled and trapped, moving very slowly.

Meanwhile, I concentrated and waved my hands, speaking the words of Vanderhoven's Spiraling Fiery Burst. A mote of flame erupted from my hand and began arcing towards one of the spectral halflings. It stared at it and now the flame spiraled in and hit it, then exploded in an outrushing burst of spiral flame which rushed over three of the spectral halflings and some zombies and skeletons as well; the zombies began to burn and the spectral halflings howled. But then the blackflame limned creature just sucked up my flames and his black flame got bigger.

DAMMIT.

At least their injuries stayed.

"Dash, get up and make sure there aren't some coming from a surprise direction," Twilight said, then began another spell.

Dash took to the skies and I began trying to think of something else I could do before it was melee time. My fire spell is my only memorized spell that kills things. I'm not telekinetically strong enough to fling them and my pyrotechnics would probably just annoy them. I doubt they like card tricks either.

Rarity and Fluttershy took down another spectral halfling together, but now the rest were coming through the brambles, faster than the zombies and skeletons, who got stuck in the brambles. But the spectral halflings just floated through the brambles like they weren't there.

"I don't see any more of them," Dash shouted from above.

Applejack now tried kicking apples at the spectral halflings. The apples went right through them, but now they turned and chased the apples.

...

Pinkie paused in her song and dance long enough to tell me, "Ivan, Marcus, I have PIES in my pack."

We dug around in her saddlebags, which she shucked off. They were HUGE inside. I'm going to have to digress.

Every race EXCEPT humans have signature magical items. I'm not sure whether we couldn't make up our minds or what. Elves, for example, have their magical swords, magical boots for stealth, and magical cloaks for stealth. Halflings craft weapons out of blackflame, such as rods of justice, which paralyze on a touch. They also make this GREAT potion called Oil of Moonlight, which makes things fly when you anoint them with it. Dwarfs make magical weapons and armor and these vessels called rockships, which sail through solid earth. I've ridden in one and it's a really smooth, quiet ride and very convenient.

For Ponies, one of their signature magical items are saddlebags of holding, magical bags which hold about a ten foot cube worth of space in each bag while being fairly small on the outside and toning down the weight of what you put in them. The result is that Ponies can carry a ton of stuff with them and just about everypony has one of these. Best of all, you just stick your hand in and think about what you need and you can reach it.

So Ivan and I armed ourselves with pies and started throwing. The spectral halflings began chasing them and eating them. Applejack and Rainbow Dash began laughing and laughing. Meanwhile, Rarity and Fluttershy began picking them off.

The boss, however, was not distracted by food and he now lashed out with huge tendrils of blackflame at us as we fed his minions. Everyone had to jump everywhere and then Twilight lightning bolted him. Which he absorbed and got MORE POWER.

I HATE FOES LIKE THAT.

Then he started to make a beeline for Spike.

Spike shivered, then got a determined look. "I won't let you hurt my friends!" He let out a huge gout of flame. Which, of course, the guy sucked up.

"Ivan, it's up to us," I told him. DAMMIT, I DO NOT WANT TO GO HAND TO HAND WITH THIS GUY.

Quickly, I donned my sweater vest, while Ivan said, "Do we have to?"

"If the ponies try to fight him hand-to-hand, it will probably eat their life force," I told Ivan.

"IT WILL TRY TO EAT OUR LIFE FORCE," Ivan said.

See, here's the problem. I agree with him totally. But if we don't do it, it will kill everyone else, then chase us through the swamp ANYWAY, THEN kill us.

"I'll do it, Marcus, while Nervous Nellie here hides behind Spike," Applejack said, now digging in her pack. She quickly removed and donned... galoshes?

Maybe they're Galoshes of Slaying or something.

"Fine! I'll do it!" Ivan said, charging. Ivan, foolishly can't handle being called a coward.

He does things to look brave.

I am a coward, but sometimes I have to fake bravery when I know cowardice won't actually work.

Seeing that thing closing in on Ivan, tendrils of blackflame lashing about, made me want to piss myself. I was utterly terrified of it. But seeing Ivan charging, I circled left, and Applejack right. It lashed out at me, but I parried with my blade and cut the tendril off. It regenerated but I now moved with Applejack to flank our foe. As he and Ivan flailed at each other and Ivan's blade began to grow a layer of ice, I would dart in and stab him, then parry or duck under or jump over his lashing tendrils, while Applejack did the same, delivering kicks with her now galoshes-shielded hooves. Ice formed on the surface of the galoshes, but her hooves were warm inside.

I could hear Rainbow Dash now charging through ranks of skeletons, smashing them up and flying, and now Pinkie Pie was singing about the hip bone connects to the skull bone, which I will note is TOTALLY wrong, for human OR pony.

I saw Spike set one of the spectral halflings on fire as he tried to climb the hill and then Rarity nailed the specter in the head with one of her arrows and it dissipated. Spike gave a huge cheer. "GO RARITY!"

"SUDDEN DAWN!" Twilight shouted, and sunlight, pure sunlight, washed over the zombies, searing them.

I got lashed by our foe, but it enabled Applejack to do a double kick that knocked him down. I had ice across my chest but the sweater vest kept me warm. Thanks, Twilight, Rarity! HAH!

The three of us hit him wolf-pack style; if he turned to face one of us, the other two would nail him. Applejack could kick him so hard he often fell down. He was starting to get very angry.

Angry enough that he now bowled Ivan over with an all out attack, leaving Ivan crusted in ice and howling, though Ivan gave him a nasty cut down one side which slowly was burning with REAL fire.

Then he rushed towards Spike.

This posed a problem. Without his fire, Spike can't stop this thing AND it likely WANTS more of his fire to get stronger. But if Spike gets out of the way, there's nothing to stop him attacking Twilight and Rarity or getting the Crucible, which would probably make him unstoppable.

"Spike, if you breathe on it, it gets stronger!," I shouted as Applejack and I chased it.

Fluttershy called up a wall of brambles, but he just froze and burned them at the same time, and she stared in horror as he kept coming.

Rarity shot him in the chest, then hit him with two more arrows and he lashed out with long tendrils at her and Spike. Spike bravely interposed himself to protect Rarity, ended up coated in ice and fell down. Rarity's eyes glinted now with anger.

"SPIKE!" Twilight shouted. Her horn glowed brightly.

Oh shit, here comes everyone becoming a turnip.

Pinkie Pie grabbed Spike and dove out of the way.

Rainbow Dash climbed upwards in a long arc.

Rarity pulled the arrows out of him and now all her arrows flew around her in an angry storm, building up speed. But now a tendril came lashing for her.

The river rose up and a lash of water hit the attacking lash and the water became ice and rained down, but now our foe was thrown off enough for Applejack to catch up with him, kicking him down.

"Don't you dare attack Spike and Rarity!" I shouted, stabbing him in a way that would have killed an ordinary person. "They're my friends!" Given he was an undead horror made out of undead blackflame (or whatever he is), it just hurt him and ice rushed up my blade, which now was stuck.

Well, shit.

Stupidly, I tried to stand on his back and pull it out and my boot froze to him. OH FUCK ME.

Rarity's breath caught and Spike said something weakly through the ice around him. Pinkie took a cake knife from her bags and began gently jabbing the ice, cutting Spike loose. Two of Rarity's arrows began ice-pick style assistance.

Dash continued to zoom around, beating up the skeletons and zombies, since everyone else was too distracted to even pay attention to them. She could pretty much kill any skeleton by ramming it, hooves first, and the zombies fell down when she hit them.

Ivan struggled, trying to get loose, his sword fallen on the ground out of his reach.

Applejack now secured her legs around my waist and pulled as I pulled but this just pulled me and our foe back and then we all rolled and ended up more or less back how we started, except I was getting more cold and more weak and our foe had a bigger hole in him.

I will note her galoshes DID NOT FREEZE. For some reason.

Fluttershy looked at me, looked at my sword, then smiled.

I don't get it.

She flew in close and began chanting gently. The ice on my sword melted and now it glowed hotly and I began stabbing our foe while Applejack pinned him down.

"You'd better surrender or it's the graveyard for you!" Applejack said.

I tried to figure out why Druid heat didn't feed him and Arcane fire HAD. Not that I was one to argue with success.

Fluttershy now helped Ivan, while Applejack and I dealt with our foe, the blackflame monster. Rarity shot him with several of her arrows and Applejack stomped him. I still had my feet frozen to him; they were leather and I guess druids don't spend much time learning to heat leather. Heating METAL is a classic Druid trick.

Usually for roasting their foes alive in their armor and weapons, but I assume Fluttershy doesn't go for that.

Hmm, you know, I bet she could make an AWESOME kebab.

I could now see Pinkie had produced a giant fake human hand... why did Pinkie have a giant fake human hand??? It was like a glove over her hoof and she was now using it to do a dance. The surviving zombies were now following her, copying her every motion. Okay, that's a pretty nice Bard trick, I have to say. She was leading them over to the river.

Ivan got the killing shot on the blackflame monster, with Rarity, Applejack, and myself providing support. Fluttershy had joined Pinkie and was singing while Pinkie danced. Pinkie led the zombies into the water; she had enough mass to resist the current, but they did not and it washed them away.

"Well, I guess that's done," I said.

Then one of the spectral halflings, which we'd all lost track of, suddenly came up OUT OF THE GROUND and grabbed the Crucible of Blackflame. Twilight hit him with lightning, Rarity with an arrow, Spike with a wobbly thrown rock, and he died.

"Okay, now we're done," I said.

"There's a flying boat coming this way!" Rainbow Dash said.

I rubbed my forehead; I could see a huge flying ship off in the distance now that Dash pointed it out. Too far to see if it is friendly or hostile, though.

I helped Ivan hobble back to the rock outcropping and Fluttershy began treating our injuries, with Rarity and Applejack for nurses. Spike got out a piece of paper and a quill, then got on Rainbow Dash and flew up with her, to go scout the ship. I assume he plans to send Twilight a letter if necessary.

"Fluttershy, do you know why your abilities could hurt it without making it stronger when Spike's fire and my fire and Twilight's magic couldn't?" I asked her.

"He was mean and I am not," she said.

I am not MEAN. Twilight is not mean. Spike... isn't usually mean, other than hating me.

"Fluttershy, Marcus and Twilight and Spike are not mean," Rarity said, gently chiding.

"I'm so sorry," Fluttershy squeaked, dropping the cloth she had in her mouth, with which she was applying some kind of salve to Ivan's chilled chest. "I... Ivan."

"What about you and the Salamander?" Ivan said to me, grinning a little. "Yes, Fluttershy?"

"The Salamander had it coming," I grumbled.

Rarity laughed softly and said, "You will need to take your boots and pants off, if that's okay, Marcus."

I did so and she worked on me. My poor cold feet soon felt a nice warmth soaking into them.

"She... said, yes," Fluttershy mumbled.

"I don't understand," Ivan said.

"She needs you to strip some in order to treat you."

He began doing so.

"See, he's not panicky about it," Applejack said to me. "Ain't no big deal, a little nudity between friends."

It's not so much the nudity as the surprise and the fact that when someone surprises me when I'm naked, they usually are out to kick my ass. And I was TRYING to speak secret things with Ivan.

Pinkie rose up onto her hind hooves. I think she must have a little human in her ancestry or something. "We're all born naked," she sang. "And naked into the grave we go!"

"Actually, humans are usually buried with clothing on," I said as Rarity now worked on my chest.

"Oh COME ON," Applejack said. "In case of what? The worms seeing you nekkid?" She reared up. "I'm naked and what does it matter? Nothing."

"No one is really naked with a hat on," I said. My tombstone will probably say that. I shivered as Rarity worked on my legs, then remembered my tattoo was just covered by my underwear now and if that got out... I really shivered now.

"I am going to teach you not to be silly about your body," Applejack said to me.

"Applejack, you should respect their customs," Rarity said firmly.

"It's stupidly finicky and gets in the way of way too much," Applejack said. "What are you going to do if your butt gets injured, Marcus?"

"Cry," I mumbled, and she rolled her eyes.

Rarity sighed. "I'm sorry, Marcus, sometimes Applejack carries on like she lives in a barn."

"I HAVE A BARN, you know," Applejack said, irritated. "I LIVE in it."

"Really, it's more like a house than a barn," Fluttershy said; I could tell she was really uncomfortable with this argument.

Twilight was watching us work but also consulting three books hastily.

"We can't bump, if you won't show your rump!," Pinkie sang, dancing along.

Please tell me she is NOT singing about what I think she's singing about.

Fluttershy's eyes crossed.

"You live in your shop and I live in MINE," Applejack said, frowning. "You picking up bad manners from your sewing machine and your thread?"

"Your manners seem fine to me," Ivan said. "Fluttershy, are you okay?"

"I'm okay," she squeaked, then took a deep breath. "Ivan, I'm done. We can put your shirt back on and then you should rest a little while, then you'll be okay."

"Thank you," he said. "I feel much better."

Rarity and Applejack were trying to kill each other with their eyes. "My legs," I mumbled and Rarity looked embarrassed and went back to work treating them.

"You got perfectly nice legs for a human," Applejack said, then for some reason ran a hoof along my calf. "Nice muscle definition there. You do much runnin'?"

A lot. A whole lot.

"Humans are intended as long-distance runners," Fluttershy said. "Ponies are faster over short distances but we tire out quickly. Humans can chase things for miles if they're in good shape. It's how they hunt."

"We should go runnin' some time, then. I'd like to see how fast you are," Applejack said, clearly giving Rarity the 'Wall of Ignoring' spell.

"Sure," I said. I'll be long gone by then, assuming she isn't planning to run in the swamp.

Please not in the swamp.

Rarity finished with the warming salve. Oh yes, feels good. I made happy noises and she smiled. "You can put your pants on."

Twilight was now urgently whispering to Pinkie, who looked baffled.

I put my pants on. "Thank you very much, Fluttershy, Rarity, Applejack."

"I mostly just stood here waiting my turn, sugarcube," Applejack said. "But yer welcome, Marcus."

"I like to help people," Fluttershy said, smiling brightly.

"I shouldn't eat up our limited food but now I'm hungry," I grumbled.

"We can go catch you more fish," Applejack said. "If we're lucky, we'll get some here."

We now got down to getting Applejack treated as well.

*************

Once Applejack was treated, which Ivan helped with, we all went fishing, though Twilight and Pinkie were still talking. Rarity is a pretty good spear fisher with those arrows, I learned. She and Applejack both relaxed while we were fishing. I was in the middle of frying up the fish when it hit me. "Should Dash be taking this long?"

The ship was drawing closer and there was no sign of Rainbow Dash.

Applejack frowned. "I wouldn't think it would."

There had been no sounds of violence or anything, though.

The ship was coming from north by northeast. "It's coming from Darokin or Glantri or maybe even Wendar."

"Assumin' it came in a straight line," Applejack pointed out.

Good point.

A letter now tumbled down to Twilight. We all looked over, curious.

"Dear Twilight Sparkle," she read out loud. "Duchess Sapphire of Sugar Hollow is here, on her way to make a visit of state to Equestria on behalf of Princess Emerald of the Principality of Dream Valley in the Republic of Glantri. She actually wears more clothing than Marcus and Ivan."

...

Ivan laughed. "Now that would be something to see."

Applejack laughed loudly.

"Also, no one needs three tiaras. She wants to see Duchess Twilight Sparkle." Twilight blinked. "I am not a duchess."

"You are now," I said. "Clearly Rainbow Dash wanted her to see you as an equal, rather than some peasant to be pitied and trampled on. Or maybe Spike. If she's like most Glantrian nobles, she has an ego bigger than an Ursa Major."

They all shivered at that, as I knew they would. Star beasts are terribly dangerous things.

"I don't know if we really have time," Twilight said nervously.

"Everyone did bring their formal clothes, right?" Rarity said. "I have mine."

They brought formal clothing to a swamp?

"The only thing I have which is clean, let alone formal, is this sweater vest," I said. "Ditto for Ivan."

Twilight frowned. "I'm certainly not going to leave you behind."

"I got mine, if I have to dress up," Applejack said.

"If you enjoy waves of disdain, then you could go without dressing up," I said. "Duchesses are the next best thing to a Princess. She's probably second in command after Princess Emerald and probably her heir." There are... eleven? Twelve? There is a small number of Princes of Glantri, a slightly smaller number of Dukes and Duchesses, then various other ranks. Usually a Duke or Archduke (higher than Duke, even rarer) is the designated heir of the Prince or Princess.

Applejack grimaced. "Stupid snooty nobles."

"I don't know how we'd go about getting cleaned up here to the right level, though," I said. "And Ivan and I are kind of trashed."

"I'll stay here with you two," Applejack said. "Twilight, you can take Rarity and Fluttershy. They'll come off well. And Pinkie can stay with us."

Ivan pulled out a deck of cards. "I've got the party right here."

"I... is that really okay with you all?" Twilight said hesitantly. "I should meet with her, but I hate leaving you here."

"We'll have a little party," Applejack said. "I have some apple cider and everything."

"I've got pie!" Pinkie said cheerfully.

"We're too filthy to go," I said.

"We could... but you..." Rarity sighed. "I didn't bring much material, as I only expected to make repairs on the fancy clothing if something went wrong."

"It's fine," I told her. "I can help you dress up if you like, fair lady."

"It figures," Applejack said. "Better be careful or he'll have you clothed all the time, Rarity."

Everyone laughed.

I don't know how non-unicorns get these fancy outfits on. Rarity could have done this all herself, really, but I could tell she enjoyed having someone help her. Twilight helped Fluttershy to suit up. I have to say, I thought the three dresses looked pretty nice, though I think Rarity tends to go a little overboard on using gemstones.

Which reminded me, we haven't dug up the gems in this hill yet!

Well, later. We can worry about it later, they're not going anywhere.

"Thank you for the help," Rarity said. "I am sorry I haven't got anything appropriate to dress you up in and no way to make a full outfit suitable for a human." She sounded very guilty.

"It's fine," I told her. "I know you would if you could. After all this is done, I will need some fine clothing."

"I will be happy to help you then," she said, then joined the others. Then Twilight Sparkle teleported them up to the boat, which now was hovering over us.

SHADE! SWEET!

By now, Ivan and Applejack and Pinkie had our improvised party set up.

I eyed the cider warily. I wanted it but I needed to stay SOBER so nothing foolish would happen and why is Pinkie looking at me like that? I shivered.

"It doesn't bite," she whispered loudly to me.

Thanks for the heads up, Pinkie.

Applejack produced mugs and straws and we all got some cider and started playing. I could have easily rooked them all, but this is just for fun and to build stronger bonds with the rest of the party. So I carefully won some hands, but didn't really show off.

Applejack played conservatively, not winning big but never losing big either. She was very good at seeing through bluffs, I noted. Pinkie... I will not pretend I understand her goals. She either won big or went down in flames. Ivan takes moderate risks. He had some big wins, some bombs, but neither as big as Pinkie.

"So Ivan's a farm boy, what's your background?" Applejack asked, sipping through a straw.

"I was the seventh son, wouldn't inherit anything, so I got a sword and training in using it and a kind of hint to seek my fortune," I told her. I actually... dammit, I've lied about my childhood so many times I'm not sure any more which story is the right one. "I went to Karameikos to stay with kin who had immigrated there, which is when I met Ivan." I'm pretty sure the Anya and Boris thing happened. Maybe that was in Karameikos; those really aren't Thyatian names.

Every so often, I have these dreams where I grew up in a tree city, but I'm pretty sure that's my imagination.

Why is Pinkie looking at me like that???

"Seventh son of a seventh son?" she asked.

"Yes," I said.

"Ahh," she said sagely.

What?

I studied my hand. Jack of Flames, Ten of Shadows, Queen of Winds, Six of Stones, Jack of Shadows. I could go for a Straight, or throw most of them and stick with the pair of Jacks. Jack-high is my favorite way to win but it's hard to pull off.

"We've been in a lot of adventuring parties, along with Ivan's cousin Helga, but now she's married to a Glantrian noble and doing well," I told her. "I was sorry to see her retire, but I hope she's happy."

I decided to go for the Straight, hoping I wasn't messing up. Goodbye, two cards.

"You two met on some secret mission you can't talk about, right?" I said.

Pinkie and Applejack looked at each other. "I reckon it wouldn't do no harm to...," Applejack said, studying her cards.

"SECRET," Pinkie said urgently. "We can't tell you. I'm sorry, Sammy."

"My name is Marcus," I mumbled, then said louder, "Okay."

Pinkie discarded three Flames. "This hand is NOT on fire," she said, and Ivan laughed. I smiled.

Applejack sighed. "I hate secrets."

"Well, it's best to keep them," I said. "There's a lot of lunatics who run around stealing artifacts and they might cause you trouble if the full story came out." Not that I know anyone like that, of course.

Applejack tossed out two cards and took a deep sip of cider. "So you're a city boy?"

"Very much so," I told her. "Though I spend a lot of time in the country, getting in trouble."

Ivan dealt everyone more cards. I studied mine. Eight of Flames, Nine of Shadows. YES! I tried not to grin too much.

"So you like the sophisticated city types?" she asked.

"Yes," I told her. Didn't we already have this conversation? "But I enjoy the company of all of you here." Okay, Pinkie terrifies me just by looking at her cards. But other than that, they're good company. I sipped the cider. "Very good. I assume you brewed it yourself?"

"Big Mac handles all the distillin'," Applejack said. "He's my big brother."

"He's BIG," Pinkie said, spreading her forehooves wide. "And very Macky."

Whatever that means.

"You can commend him on his fine skills," I said. "Does he add honey?"

She blinked. "Yes, just a little for sweetness," she said.

"I bet Ponies make some fine mead," Ivan said.

"Shouldn't someone be betting?" Pinkie said.

"Sorry, I raise twenty," I said, shoving the coins out.

"See and raise five," Applejack said, pushing her coins out.

Pinkie turned her cards upside down. "Still the same, blast it!" She took a swig of cider.

"I guess you're missing the noble party on the boat, then," Applejack said. Something odd about her tone. Was she making fun of me? No. She wasn't mad at me, but...

Aargh, this is probably important.

Ivan frowned at his cards. "Fold," he said, sighing.

"I haven't bet yet!" Pinkie said.

"Fold anyway," Ivan said.

"I will admit that I do enjoy high class affairs, but I also enjoy a good game of cards with friends," I told her. "I'm actually more worried something will eat us." I did NOT mean to say that!

"You are a nervous nellie," Applejack said. "Why do you do it?"

Pinkie finally saw and raised two.

I saw her bet and raised five.

Applejack studied me, then her cards.

"There's no reason to be scared of cards," I said hesitantly.

"..." Applejack stared at me, confused.

"She means why go adventuring if you get scared so much," Ivan said. "Dumbass." He sipped his cider. "Man, I could totally go for some nice warm rye bread with butter and jam."

"Me too, but I can't bake anything out here very well," Pinkie said, sighing. "I put JUST a touch of sugar in it."

"You put sugar in everything, Pinkie," Applejack said. "And yeah, Ivan got it right." She frowned at her cards, then studied my forehead. Is she reading... no, Applejack would never invade my mind, find out my secrets, then reveal herself to be a vampire.

History doesn't repeat itself that precisely.

Pinkie said, "You need to bet, Applejack."

She looked up at the flying boat and sighed. Had she wanted to go? Maybe she was the sort of person who fakes reluctance and has to be pushed into what they want.

No, I don't think so. But there is something.

"I see but don't raise," Applejack finally said.

"I raise five," Pinkie said.

Pinkie was betting in an oddly moderate way, which meant... anything. It could mean ANYTHING. Dammit.

My eyes drifted to Applejack's hat. Such a nice hat but I doubt she'll put it up for a bet.

Dammit, I need a hat.

"You gonna answer?" Applejack asked me.

"Answer? OH," I said. "It's the only life I know," I told her. "Every time I try to settle down, something goes wrong. People die, things explode, I have to flee." I sighed. "Am I really that nervous?"

"No," Pinkie said.

"Yes," Ivan said, grinning. BASTARD.

"Yes," Applejack said. "I can see you're always eyin' the exits, so to speak." She took a sip of cider. "You have a bad experience with a pony or something?"

Well, there was having a pony JUMP ON ME as I clung to a tree branch in a raging river. Who thought it was a game. And who basically brings me fear just by... holding her cards sideways.

"In the adventuring business, caution helps you survive," I said. "I think you saw during the big fight that I am not going to run away, scared as I may get sometimes." I felt offended, really. When I run away, it won't be fear, it will be my survival instinct. Eventually, sooner or later, Twilight will figure out who I am and then I will be lucky to be a bottle stopper

"Damn life-drinking undead," Ivan grumbled.

We could hear music on the boat, pleasant tunes from the seventh century in Thyatis. The kind of thing they play at fancy parties in noble courts. Mind you, in the seventh century, it was peasant music and someone probably used a fiddle in it.

Age often gives things an unearned patina of classiness and glory.

Pinkie began tapping her feet and looked up jealously at the boat.

"I could tell you and Ivan fight together a lot," Applejack said. "Kinda like wolves fight."

"Yeah," Ivan said.

"Oh, I raise five," I said, studying my cards; now I was tapping my foot.

Applejack said. "Stay."

Pinkie shuffled her cards, then picked them up, looked at them hopefully and her face fell.

"You do those fancy dances?" Applejack asked me.

"I am versed in many styles of dance," I told her. "I can even sort of do the Pony Square, but with only two legs, I can't do it fully correctly."

Applejack sipped her cider. "You ever met Prince Blueblood?"

"I must admit I don't even know who he is," I said. Maybe I've heard the name.

"I...aaargh. FOLD," Pinkie said to my surprise. "Prince Blueblood is a meanie."

"What, now?" Applejack said in surprise.

"What did Prince Blueblood do?" I asked. "I think I am going to stay."

"Me too," Applejack said. She turned out to have a full house. "Hah! I win." She raked in her winnings.

I hadn't MEANT to lose that, but it's okay, it helps maintain the balance.

"He's a selfish, self-centered jerk," Pinkie said. She sighed. "That whole party was made out of not-fun-at-all. I tried my BEST to liven it up but even though Celestia enjoyed it, I have to do better, next time."

"I dunno if I'll go. Bunch of snobs," Applejack said, sipping her cider.

I sipped mine, then got the deck and started shuffling. "As they say in Karameikos, shake a noble's family tree and a bunch of farmers fall out of the upper branches. You shouldn't care what they think, Applejack," I said firmly. "YOU actually have done something useful with your life. If they look down on you, it just is because they know you're better and they're bitter over it."

She blinked. "Thanks, Marcus." She sipped her cider, and Ivan sipped his, while I continued to shuffle.

I slid the deck to Applejack and she cut it. Then I started dealing. I heard this odd beat, then I realized it was probably ponies dancing to the beat, their hooves striking the deck in unison. "Damn, I am so filthy," I said, looking at myself and sighing.

"It's the dirt of honest hard work, rightfully earned," Applejack said. She studied her cards as I dealt them. "Be proud of it."

There was a sudden sound of thunder in the sky and I jumped to my feet, dropping the deck, though I caught it with a quick spell before it hit the ground. I shouldn't have dropped it but the sound startled me.

It was, in fact, twelve flying Pegasi, soaring in a huge formation from the west. They wore matching blue uniforms and flew in formation. My eyes widened. "The Wonderbolts. I hope they're just here to escort the Duchess." And not because the end of the world is about to start NOW, right here on this rock.

"Rainbow Dash is gonna' be happy," Applejack said, smiling.

I was about to ask which one she has the crush on, but Applejack might not know about the crush, so I just licked my lips. "Rainbow Dash is a friend of them, right?"

"She saved three of them and Rarity at the Junior Flyer Competition in Cloudsdale," Pinkie said. "It was GREAT."

Wow. "That's pretty impressive."

"Rarity was using a flight spell Twilight cast on her and kinda got overconfident," Applejack said, shaking her head. "Sometimes she wants to be loved a little too much."

"Nothing wrong with wanting to be liked," I said defensively. "Everyone wants to be liked." I studied my cards. Two of Stones, Three of Stones, Six of Stones, Three of Rivers, Jack of Winds. Hmmm.

"There's probably some stallion trying to get her attention right this minute," Applejack observed, sipping cider and studying her cards.

"I'd think she'd have stallions all over her," Ivan said. "Sorry, that came out cruder than I intended."

"The boys *love* Rarity," Pinkie said. "It's how she got them to haul us in a carriage to the Grand Gala!"

Good for her, I thought. Using your sex appeal wisely is a VERY valuable tool. I expect she has a lot to ponies. "So what happened with this Prince Blueblood?" I asked.

"I bet... ten," Applejack said.

"He kept being mean to her, wouldn't be a gentleman at all. She had her heart up so high and he wouldn't even open a door for her," Pinkie said. "I am more of a gentleman than him! Open *every* door, that's my motto!"

That does not surprise me at all.

"I promise you I will not do anything like that to Rarity," I told Applejack. "He sounds like a cad, who deserved whatever he got."

"He got CAKE!" Pinkie said cheerfully. "I match Applejack and bid thirty."

He was mean to Rarity and got CAKE for it? I can't accept that. Though I doubt I'll ever see him, he'll get something worse than CAKE from me. "Well, I hope he didn't like the cake, as it sounds like he deserved much worse." Wait, 'Prince' Blueblood? How many people has Celestia elevated lately?

"I... see for now," Ivan said warily.

Now I could see Rainbow Dash up in the air with three of the Wonderbolts, all of them zipping around. Two guys and a woman, I think. I wonder which guy it is.

"I see," I said for now.

Soon everyone was discarding. I tossed all but the threes and got TWO MORE THREES. YES!

"I'm sorry to give you the tenth degree," Applejack said apologetically. "Maybe I've had too much cider." She sighed.

"It's okay, looking out for your friend is a good thing," I told her and she perked up a little. "It's perfectly normal to take a while to get to trust a stranger." It's pretty refreshing, really. Ponies often trust blindly if you seem friendly and nice and that's a good way to get hurt by a con-man who wants to abuse that trust.

"Thinking about Zecora?" Pinkie asked Applejack.

Applejack mumbled into her glass.

Ivan looked at her and frowned, then said, "You don't have to talk about it."

"Apple Bloom was the smart one there," Applejack said. She sighed deeply. "I fold."

Pinkie studied her cards.

High above, Rainbow Dash continued to zoom around with the Wonderbolts. They moved far out away from the ship, then began a long high arc over it, splitting into two pairs, each one man, one woman. I could hear ponies clapping and I smiled. She deserves it.

"Enjoying the show?" Pinkie asked.

"Yes," I said. "I've never actually gotten to see them in action."

"Dash must be in Heaven," Applejack said, perking up some.

"I raise twenty," Pinkie said.

"Dammit, fold," Ivan said, sighing.

Me versus Pinkie. Crap.

Applejack refilled my glass. "Drink up, it's good."

"Humans can't drink as much as ponies," I told her. "If I get too drunk, I might be useless if a monster shows up."

She sighed, then sipped from her glass. "Didn't think about that."

The Wonderbolts and Dash were now zipping around the ship, weaving in and out in elaborate patterns as people cheered. Someone fired off some pyrotechnics, MUCH bigger than what I can do. I was jealous.

I suspect Applejack wanted to get me drunk so she could make sure I wasn't going to be an ass like Blueblood to Rarity. Which I won't. I like her. She's classy and I like that. What an idiot that Blueblood must be.

We kept on playing and talking until it was time for dinner; the party was still going on as the ship hovered. We made dinner, then played some more cards and traded adventuring stories. It was a lot of fun. The formal party would have been more fun but with my luck, some old Glantrian acquaintance would have been there.

I... naah, Helga's probably not there. Why would a member of House Blackhill be on a Pony Duchess' ship? The Aendyrs aren't hostile to Ponies but they're not huge allies either.

To my surprise, one of the Wonderbolts came down to us with Dash, who looked happy, nervous, and excited at once. "Hey, guys, this is Soarin' of the Wonderbolts," she said. "Soarin', you know Applejack and Pinkie, but this is my new friends Samus Marcus of Thyatis and Ivan."

"Of Karameikos," he said, shaking hand to hoof with Soarin'. I shook hand-to-hoof with Soarin' too.

"It's a pleasure to meet you," I told him. "Do you like pie?"

"I LOVE pie," he said.

I gave Applejack a meaningful look.

She perked up and got out a pie and tossed it to him. He ate it down VERY quickly, while Dash bopped about him goofily, looking excited.

"How come you're not up at the party?" he asked.

"We're filthy messes," I said ruefully. "I wish I could go but I lost all my clothing except this and a sweater vest Rarity and Twilight made for me."

"Rarity looks kinda guilty for some reason," Rainbow Dash mused. "Twilight's talking to the Duchess about... crops and things."

Applejack said, "Oh great, NOW she wants to talk about crops." She sounded quite cross.

"I got bored in three seconds flat and fortunately, Soarin' and Spitfire invited me to come fly with them," Dash said cheerfully.

"I assume they want to increase their imports of silk and cotton and satin from Equestria?" Ivan said. "What are they offering?"

Applejack and Dash blinked in unison.

"I... yeah. I think so. How... did you know?" Dash said.

"Cotton? Hmm," Applejack said thoughtfully. "Doesn't seem fancy enough for them. I own some cotton clothin'."

"Servants have to wear clothing too," Ivan pointed out to her.

"Oh," Applejack said.

"There's some humans with them too," Dash said. "They're dressed VERY fancily."

"Are they from House Blackhill?" I asked.

"Dunno. They're kinda dark haired, neatly dressed, fine immaculate uniforms, kind of military style," Dash said.

"Aalbaneese?" I asked.

"Dunno. Where is that?"

"It's a Principality in Glantri."

Dash looked at Soarin'; he shrugged. "I dunno."

There's no way Jagger is here, but Prince Jagger is one of the world's greatest dragon-stompers. He could probably whip this dragon's ass totally, saving me having to risk horrible death in order to live five more minutes.

I WISH Jagger was here. Five minutes is five more precious minutes.

I WISH I had nice clean clothing, so I could be dancing and schmoozing and enjoying myself. I'm sure Rarity is a good dancer; we'd have some fun. It's nice having someone around who appreciates things like this.

"Can you fly?" Soarin' asked me.

Either he only ta... of course he mainly encounters humans as adventurers. Some of whom can fly.

"Twilight has a spell to give wings," Dash said. "But Marcus doesn't know it."

"Yes," I said. "I've seen it but I don't know it well enough to do from scratch. And I'm too filthy to go up and have no clean clothing."

"I'll see about that," Dash said. "You should be up there."

She zoomed upwards with Soarin'.

"Well, dang," Ivan said. "I guess you'll be bailing on us."

"If she can find clothing to fit me. I doubt the Aalbaneese will just give her clothing," I said.

"It's fine," Applejack said, a little morosely. "You go have fun. I'll just take all of Ivan's money."

"Then I'll take yours and Ivan will take mine and we'll all be even," Pinkie said cheerfully.

Now I felt bad leaving them down here.

Not quite bad enough not to go if I had the chance.

I am a sucker for big formal parties, even if I usually end up running for my life.

Which could be risky on a big flying ship.

Hmm, I suspect Celestia was worried these diplomats would get eaten by the dragon, thus the dispatch of Twilight's team.

Of course, if Jagger is here, he may have manipulated the Dragon into raiding Equestria, so he could then 'save' Equestria from it. I frowned at the thought. What would he...

Jagger is obsessed with invading Ethengar, which is full of crazed swordsmen and archers on horseback. He probably wants a Pony army to take them on with. Good luck there, Jagger. Celestia isn't going to dance to your tune and if she did, well, Ponies are not exactly aggressive, usually.

I went and took a bath while I was waiting, just in case. Ivan did likewise. I kept thinking someone was watching us, but I couldn't spot Pinkie and I assumed Applejack, despite her advocacy of nudity, would not just peep on us.

But I had the distinct feeling of being watched. "Ivan, someone's watching us."

"Whatever. I don't particularly care if they see us naked," Ivan said. "I'm surprised you do."

"You don't have a tattoo that will cause Spike and Twilight to know about your past encounters with them, resulting in your horrible, horrible death," I said very softly, hoping the spy didn't know about this.

Though now I probably just told them.

FUCK ME.

Ivan grinning at me did not make me feel better. "Too bad Helga isn't likely to be there."

"Yeah," I said. "Though she wouldn't know this me."

We got clean, though we only had filthy clothing to put back on afterwards. Still, it makes me feel more human.

I like feeling human.

To my surprise, Dash and Soarin' returned with two full SUITS, each sized appropriately for Ivan and myself. "Twilight says for you two to suit up also," Dash said to Applejack and Pinkie. "Time for us to REPRESENT."

The suits looked Aalbanese to me. "Did someone talk them into loaning these to you?"

"Rarity bought them for you," Dash said. "Once I raised the idea. These guys all had spare clothing and, well, offer enough bits and you can buy anything, I guess."

I wonder how many bits. Though these are NICE.

"Okay, Ivan," I said. "Let's go change, and then it is party time."

I was looking forward to it.

*************

Several more of the Wonderbolts assisted us all getting up. Ivan was kind of nervous, which I didn't understand until I remembered the Wonderbolts had been involved in recovering the Pearl he hocked and they might have had some clues as to who did it. Though not very good ones or I assume they would have found us long ago.

The entire deck of the flying ship was one giant party. Humans and ponies and elves were intermingled, having a grand time. To be precise, they were the dark-skinned (but not evil, merely arrogant) elves of the Principality of Belcadiz. A principality from which I was permanently exiled in another of my past bodies. Due to having an affair with Dona Carlotta, daughter of Don Diego, the younger brother of Princess Carnelia. Princess Carnelia was not here, but Don Diego WAS. I couldn't see Dona Carlotta, but if her father was here... Belcadizians, Aalbanese, and Glantrian Ponies. What on Mystara is going on?

A mixed band of all three races was providing the music. One thing I noted is that Dash was right. The Ponies didn't JUST wear clothing, they wore a TON of it. I'm taking 3-5 layer dresses, suits cut to fit a Stallion, and so on. I could probably buy half of Karameikos with the amount of jewelry on display.

I then had to suppress the part of my brain that began planning how best to make off with it. Given my only escape route from this ship is either the Wonderbolts, Fluttershy, Twilight, or Dash, I am not going to do anything too foolish.

No one will know me in this body, I reminded myself. And even if...

I now saw Twilight; she was up on a dais with a blue coated pony with a pink and green mane done up in a fancy bun. Duchess Sapphire of Sugar Hollow (or so I presumed) was busy greeting guests and generally doing the 'look at how awesome I am, everyone come kiss my ass' routine of a noble holding court. Twilight was stuck basically helping her to greet guests; Spike was lurking by her, looking bored out of his skull.

Dash said softly, "We told them all your fancy clothing was destroyed in the swamp and that Ivan is a Karameikan Baron and you're a Thyatian Count."

Ivan grinned. "Sweet."

I have to say my respect for Dash increased when she cunningly pulled this giant scam out of her head spontaneously when needed. It's what I would have done and it means I will be treated with respect instead of being hired help.

I'm a little nervous the Aalbanese will see through the bluff, though; they're of Thyatian descent in part and keep tabs on their homeland, though they've lived in Glantri for centuries.

I could see Herr Sigmund, Jagger's son and heir. He's a noted inventor and quite dashing with short black hair, a nice physique and impeccably dressed. He was busy dancing with some Glantrian pony I didn't know; I could see she was as versed in improvised bipedalism as Pinkie, though.

Pinkie adjusted her hat. "Let's party!" She then plunged into the fray.

Applejack looked around uncomfortably at everything and Dash said, "Come on, we've got to go see the Duchess. She's REALLY eager to meet you two. And you too, Countess Applejack."

"Wait, when did I become a Countess?" Applejack said.

"When Twilight became a Duchess," I said.

"When did we all get noble titles?" Applejack said, slightly panicked.

"Just pretend you are Marcus and all will be well," Ivan said, patting her back.

A lot of the ponies here were faking bipedalism as much as they could, I noticed. They were fairly good at it, really. I never visited Dream Valley during my time in Glantri; it's off in the northwest part of the country, I think. Around Fort Sablestone, by the Adri Varna Plateau. Which means constant invasion by horrible monsters.

Rainbow Dash and Soarin' helped us press through the mass of people towards the dais, but then, I saw her.

Dona Carlotta.

Slender and short, elegant and graceful, with long flowing black hair down to the middle of her back, wearing a four layered dress in reds, greens, and blacks, a silver earring with an emerald shaped like a rose in each ear. She is probably the most beautiful woman I have ever touched.

She had ascended the dais, and while her father spoke to Duchess Sapphire, she was busy talking to Twilight.

Given she knew me as Erik of Vestland...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

"What's wrong?" Dash whispered to me, hovering next to me.

"Nothing," I said urgently. She won't know me, she can't see my tattoo, it's under several layers of clothing, EVERYTHING is going to be okay.

I can probably survive falling from this height if I aim for the water.

Carlotta and I actually parted on good terms. Her grandmother simply decided I was no good for her AND a human, therefore, I had to go. I could have... I felt a great deal of sadness seeing her, though it was good to see she seemed to be doing well. She wanted to go with me, but her mother forbade it, and the will of a Princess of Glantri is not easily evaded. In case you're wondering, this was about six months before I went to Equestria.

I want to talk to her, but if I do, I will do something STUPID. I can smell it. But I may have no choice.

Dash, Soarin', Ivan, Applejack, and I pressed up and waited for Don Diego to finish talking to Duchess Sapphire.

"I assure you, the use of black puddings for food disposal is perfectly safe, so long as you periodically flush it with fire to check the growth of the pudding," Don Diego said. He's an expert on slime monsters and similar monstrosities. If you're not careful, he will trap you for hours and lecture you on why gray ooze and grey ooze are NOT the same creature at all.

Hours I will NEVER get back.

But he's a good guy at heart, humble and kind. Just with a tendency to ramble endlessly about his academic obsessions.

"Mother drove him into exile because I was an Elf and he was Human," Carlotta said to Twilight. She sighed, sagging a little. "It was a great tragedy."

WHY ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT ME?

Ivan grinned and punched my shoulder.

Damn you, Ivan.

Twilight's eyes widened as she drew the conclusion from that which I KNEW she would. "But Celestia..." She suddenly looked very nervous.

"Dear Sapphire, may I borrow Twilight?" Carlotta said to Sapphire. "We need to talk in private."

"That's fine, dearie," Sapphire said to her. "Take her to your quarters below deck No one will bother you there. I can have refreshments sent."

"Oh yes, please," Carlotta said. "Some of your nice brandy."

Sweet mother of Ixion, I am going to DIE. DIE DIE.

I breathed out and came forward with everyone. Rainbow Dash said, "Duchess Sapphire, I present to you, Countess Applejack of Apple Acres, head of the House of Apple. Baron Ivan of Novgorod in Karameikos, and Count Samus Marcus of Samuspolis in Thyatis."

'Samuspolis'. Well, it does at least match up the right pattern.

A huge amount of hand-kissing and hoof-kissing ensued. I noted that Duchess Sapphire wore... would you call them slippers? Gloves? They were fine silken sacks around her hooves, dyed blue to match her coat. And she had a very nice tiara of platinum, studded with sapphires.

"You throw a grand party, Duchess," I said, bowing to her. "I am very flattered to be invited to such a high class affair."

"Now, now," she said. "You stand only two ranks below me. If I only invited Dukes and Archdukes and Princes, this would be a very small party. All nobles are welcome here. Twilight tells me you are a wizard like myself."

"I fear I am not up to the shining level you set for the rest of us," I said. I have no clue at all how good she is, but all Glantrian nobles must graduate from the Great School of Magic and then get Parliament to appoint them to a titled position. Or inherit it, but even that requires Parliament. You must at minimum be a pretty good wizard and then you need political skills or strong allies. At minimum, she has the power level needed to teleport, force people into other shapes temporarily, commune with extra-planar entities to learn secrets, and other tricks of like potency. That's about halfway up the ladder of spell potency. And it's nothing to sneeze at. Which actual spells and rituals she knows, I don't know.

Mind you, Twilight's about two or three rungs higher than that, I think.

I then conjured a bouquet of blue flowers. "But a gift for you," I said, bowing and handing them to her. She smelled them and smiled.

One of her servants took them and now got a vase for them.

"A wizard AND gracious," Duchess Amethyst said. "Oh yes, this is Don Diego, *brother* of Princess Carnelia, his daughter Carlotta, and of course you know the great *Duchess* Twilight Sparkle."

Ahh, yes, the classic reflected glory trick. By having such important people around her, it makes her look more important. This is a woman who knows how to play the game. Very good.

"I specialize in fire magics," I told her, making a flame dance. "Applejack specializes in plant and animal control magics, and Ivan specializes in getting in trouble."

She laughed at that, and Applejack blinked.

"I would of course expect the great Twilight Sparkle to surround herself with skilled wizards," Duchess Sapphire said.

Applejack started to speak and Ivan whispered to her and Applejack's eyes crossed. Duchess Sapphire got an odd smile on her face, then said, "Thank you all for coming. I hope you will enjoy the party."

Carlotta led Twilight Sparkle off and I prayed this would not lead to doom.

******************

"I ain't no wizard," Applejack said a little later.

"I know but when in Thyatis, stab like the Thyatians do, you know," Dash said nervously.

"You did the right thing," I told her. "There's no point in us getting mocked because we don't follow their customs where anyone who isn't a wizard is second-class at best."

"You are a wizard," Applejack pointed out.

"Yes, but I don't like seeing my friends mocked," I told her.

Dash and I now high-fived. "Exactly," Dash said. "Anyway, a Cutie Mark's as good as being a Wizard."

"I am going to find Rarity and thank her," I told the others. "She's probably dancing."

She was, in fact. Some stallion unknown to me with a green mane and a brown coat, wearing a fancy navy blue suit, was busy dancing with her. I went and got some punch and a cookie, waiting for the music to end, then swept in and took her before anyone else could pounce. The waltz is a fine dance, though like any human dance, difficult for a pony. Rarity, however, was quite graceful despite the need to rise up on her hind-legs for it.

Pony dances, designed FOR ponies, usually involve a lot of what you might call 'line dancing', where groups of ponies match each other, sometimes in two lines facing each other. Done well, it can be very impressive and plays to pony strengths.

It was clear to me that the ponies of Glantri, though, were trying very hard to be just like their human and elven neighbors. Which was a little surreal to see.

"You look smashing," Rarity said warmly to me.

"You look enchanting," I told her. "Knowing you made it yourself makes it even more impressive," I continued as we waltzed. One hand on her side, I guided her to move into a box step, which is four sets of quarter turns, so you rotate around a fixed point. She moved gracefully; I'm guessing she must have some experience at this, as she doesn't normally go bipedal as much as Pinkie does.

"You flatter me," she said, smiling and letting me guide her, one of her forelegs on my shoulder, the other wrapped around my back. "My dress is hardly the most beautiful here," she said modestly.

"Yes, but you MADE yours. The rest either cheated with magic or just paid money for it," I told her. "You earned your beauty by the sweat of your brow."

That clearly pleased her. I am VERY good at buttering people up.

We danced and flattered each other through several more dances, greatly enjoying ourselves. Well, praised each other. Her skills really do impress me. But you know how it is with elegant conversation. There is an art to the verbal dance. It's one I am good at, which is how I met Dona Carlotta and how we became lovers.

I would have... Dammit. I really liked her, you know. But her mother... I can't prove she's the head of the Secret Craft of Witchcraft, but I can't prove the sun will rise tomorrow, either.

For a sudden moment, I was intensely terrified that Celestia was going to show up. With Carnelia. And Twilight's parents. And I felt someone was watching me. I looked around and realized several couples were watching us, and I felt less paranoid. There were other ponies dancing with non-ponies here, but of course, they don't know either of us.

Then a couple suddenly zoomed in at the end of a dance, the stallion taking Rarity and the mare taking me. Well, time to make some contacts for the future, assuming I don't die horribly or have to abandon this identity, both of which seem likely.

The stallion, by the way, had a magnificent FOUR layered hat. FOUR layers. Damn, I was jealous.

**************

I ended up dancing with a ton of people. Humans, elves, ponies and all. I had stopped to have some punch and a slice of chocolate cake when Twilight Sparkle and Dona Carlotta came up to me. I did my best to show no fear. "I hope you're enjoying the party," I said.

Dona Carlotta said, "It cannot be denied that Duchess Sapphire throws a great party. Would you do me the pleasure of a dance?"

I felt my legs lock up. "I would be happy to," I said.

"Don't mind me, I have to go represent for Celestia," Twilight said, sighing.

"You should at least ask Ivan to dance with you before you go back to representing," I told her. I would have offered, but given I just agreed to dance with Carlotta, I can't.

I hate seeing Twilight sad. It makes me feel guilty and... dammit, my guilt is now up and wandering around my mind again.

"I'm not sure if..."

Ivan now ambled our way. "Hello, everyone."

"Ivan, dance with Twilight," I said.

"..."

"I don't want to impose," Twilight said.

I gave Ivan the STARE. He touched his forehead, then said, "Let's dance, Twilight."

I led Carlotta out onto the dance floor, taking her hands parallel to mine for a traditional Belcadizian dance, the cha-cha. Basically, you only touch hands, so you have to guide your partner by pushing or pulling their hands, or moving the linked hands, side to side. In fact, you basically touch palms. It requires sensitivity and grace, and thus is ideal for Elves.

She smiled broadly as we moved into the cha-cha. "Have you been to Belcadiz, Samus?" she asked.

"I have met Belcadizians. And in Thyatis, we like to draw upon every culture, taking their best ideas. Like this." We glided sideways as I gently nudged her palms left, then back, then right then forwards again, and then I spun her around. "So what brings you here?"

"We import wheat and other grains and certain spell components from Equestria and trade worked metal and rare fruits in return. The current trade agreement expires soon, along with several others. I think the Aalbanese are here about a trade agreement, also," she said.

I marched us gradually around the room as we danced, then did a spin myself, and then she did one and then we both spun in unison. "I expect Herr Sigmund wants to sell Celestia some of his inventions."

"Creepy mechanical things," she said, shivering. The Belcadizians are more like humans than most Elves, but they don't love machinery any more than most elves do.

"They have their uses," I told her. "I'm sure Celestia will give you a fair deal, if you don't mind a few pranks."

"Pranks?" Dona Carlotta said weakly. She was never as fond of a good prank as I am.

Perhaps best I not introduce her to Pinkie.

"I love a good prank too," Pinkie said behind me.

...

She was dancing with a befuddled looking Aalbanese noble with short brown hair and a short, neatly trimmed beard. "Hello, I am Herr Ukvarth of Graez," he said. I noticed he had an odd looking wand holstered at his hip, L-shaped and made of black metal, tubular with runes but no gems. Was it Blackmoorian? That looks like their work.

"He's a DRAGON HUNTER," Pinkie said. "I want him to talk to Twilight."

"It's nice to meet you," I said to him. The name was vaguely familiar.

"A pleasure to meet you, Herr Ukvarth," Dona Carlotta said. "I am Dona Carlotta de Belcadiz."

"The legendary beauty," he said, taking her hand and kissing it. "So you are the Count of Samuspolis," Herr Ukvarth said. "It's a very nice place, but I haven't been there in quite some time. How is it doing?"

There are two possibilities. One, he is bluffing in order to look cosmopolitan and traveled and sophisticated. This is plausible. Second, this is his subtle way of saying he knows I am LYING and letting me know he knows, so that he has a hold on me. This is also plausible and since I have never heard of him, it could go either way.

Graez is home to about half of the von Drachenfels, and the other half live in the Principality's capital, Leenz. I don't know the details beyond that, though.

I now became aware Rarity was pointing at me for some reason as she danced with somepony I didn't know. WHY?

I tried not to think about it. Someone may have me by the balls and it isn't Rarity or the stallion she's dancing with.

"Quite well; the weather has been good, so the fish are flourishing," I said. "Everyone is no doubt busy with that this very minute. This left me free to come to Equestria on some business, and of course, I had to help the Duchess with Vermicoritax. We hope for a peaceful resolution."

The four of us danced together; Pinkie was VERY adept at the cha-cha and I had to wonder where she learned it. Better, indeed, than Herr Ukvarth He, though, was good enough at leading that our two couples bobbed and weaved around each other without ever colliding.

"With a black dragon?" he said dubiously.

"Princess Celestia believes in trying diplomacy first, even with the worst of foes. And so does Duchess Twilight. I am simply along for the ride," I told him.

"Black dragons are horrible creatures who live only to kill and destroy and ruin," Dona Carlotta said, worried.

"Fluttershy will scare him off if he won't negotiate," Pinkie said with absolute assurance.

I find this to be VERY dubious.

Herr Ukvarth looked more dubious than I and now Dona Carlotta looked very worried. Pinkie smiled with serene, absolute confidence. Or dementia. Or both.

"Her?" he said. He pointed to Fluttershy; she was dancing with a unicorn stallion and looked extremely nervous and panicky and clearly didn't like being in the middle of the huge herd of sentients around her.

"Yes," Pinkie said. "She is fierce as a manticore, wrathful as a gorgon, mighty as a fire elemental king!" She sounded quite cheerful about this.

Herr Ukvarth studied me, probably trying to decide if this was a joke on him, if we were all insane, or what. I simply glided around him with Dona Carlotta. "They've dealt with dragons before," I told him. Show no fear, I told myself.

"I would hate to see Duchess Twilight get hurt," Dona Carlotta said. "We have a mutual... friend. And she is very nice."

They talked about me. Other me. I am going to kill myself now.

"How large is your group?"

By the time we finished the dance, I had told Ukvarth everything... a version of everything... excluding my personal secrets, of course. He did not seem a lot more optimistic. "Countess Pinkie, I am sorry to run off on you," he said. "I must speak with your lady."

"I don't have a lady, I prefer men," Pinkie said, confused.

"He means Twilight," I told her.

"But we're not pillowfriends," Pinkie said, confused.

"She is your leader," I said while Herr Ukvarth stared at us.

"OH, yes, totally," Pinkie said. "Unless it's a party and then I lead the charge. Like right now! Twilight's all busy shaking hands and hooves and being pouty instead of having FUN."

Herr Ukvarth bowed to Pinkie. "It was a pleasure, fair lady," he said.

She tried to curtsy and fell down. "Oops!" She laughed and Dona Carlotta helped her up.

Carlotta, always so kind to others... unlike most Belcadizians, who tend to be pretty arrogant. But then, her father is a scholar and quite gracious.

And she'll still be young and beautiful when I am old and dead. Maybe it was for the best that her aunt kicked me out.

But I'd rather have taken my chances with the worst. But I'm also not stupid enough to take another run at it. I'll just stand here and be nostalgic and sad, which I hate being.

"Cookie?" Pinkie said, offering us each one as Herr Ukvarth headed off to see Twilight.

I took it and ate it quickly; Dona Carlotta nibbled at hers gracefully. "Thanks, Pinkie."

"Anything for a friend!" She said, "I'm off to teach the musicians how to play something cool!"

Urk.

**************

To my surprise, the band went along with it and soon the place was jumping with some very lively music, even if I couldn't keep up with... Was Pinkie singing about how a pie did her wrong and ran around with other girls?

This was actually Shires style music. They like their music fast and lively; halflings like to jitterbug. I'd ended up dancing with Rarity again, as Carlotta had run off to see Twilight once the previous song ended. She was having a hard time of it; the Jitterbug is REALLY not designed for Ponies. But I guided her through it and gripped her hooves as best I could. A big part of the problem is that the Jitterbug relies on hand to hand grips, which you change during certain moves and, well, she can't grip due to having hooves. But she looked almost grimly determined to do it and do it WELL.

Every mistake, she let me correct her and kept doing things over and over until she got it right. Cheating with my magic a little also helped me keep hold of her hooves. I think she did the same.

Golden horseshoes, by the way, as you probably expected.

For a moment, I had that feeling of being watched, but then it passed.

Rarity blinked. "Did you feel that?"

"Yes," I said, frowning. "Did someone scry us?"

"Not for long," she said softly.

It was time to see Twilight, who was surrounded by people who were all trying to tell her how to kill Dragons. She looked rather overwhelmed, especially since Dona Carlotta was working on building up a pretty powerful level of panic.

"Dona Carlotta, I hate to impose, but is it possible we could speak with Twilight in your chambers? It is quite important."

Herr Ukvarth was busy talking about the apparently copious misdeeds of Vermicoritax at a mile a minute. He was not happy when Carlotta consented and we dragged her off.

"I need to talk to you later, Rarity," Twilight told us as we relaxed in the remarkably large and spacious suite. This ship was clearly bigger below decks than it was on the outside and I briefly feared this would trigger saddlebag ruptures, but it seemed everything was okay.

You should NEVER put one set of Pony saddlebags inside another, or they both burst and dump their contents into the Astral Plane. This is, to say the least, inconvenient.

Rarity nodded. "Of course."

Dona Carlotta's servants brought us spiced brandy and these really delectable Belcadizian cakes which twisted in stripes into a big circle with cinnamon layers between the cake layers. I had to just eat one. Spike ate four, all at once.

"Someone scried us," I told Twilight.

"I think someone scried me too," she said, frowning.

"Not I," Dona Carlotta said.

"Unfortunately, the rest of our friends probably didn't notice," I said.

Twilight frowned. "Spike, take a letter."

"MRPHMRHMRPOH."

Dona Carlotta patted his head. "You're adorable, Spike."

Why does her voice have to still sound like liquid sunshine? I remember standing with her on that balcony at the Alhambra, kissing her as the sun came up and we said...

Things that never came true. Couldn't, but they felt like they would at the time. Promises I wanted to keep but her mother thought otherwise.

Damn me.

I tried to be serious about it for once and it all blew up anyway.

What's the point of even trying if you always end up running for your life?

I tried to rein in my angst.

DAMMIT.

I breathed in, then out.

"Dear Princess Celestia, I am very, very sorry to bother you at this hour. I have made contact with Duchess Sapphire and her guests, over the Malpheggi Swamp. The Wonderbolts have arrived to escort them safely, and we are still heading to deal with Vermicoritax. However, someone is scrying us and I did not bring any of my books on scrying and thus do not have any defense. We are not even sure why someone is scrying us. It's VERY impolite."

I couldn't help but smile nervously at that. As if there was a way to scry politely.

"I request further instructions on what we can offer him in return for his refraining from further raids," Twilight Sparkle said. "I have been informed he is rather a hard case."

"He might go for the Crucible," I said. Much as I would rather SELL IT FOR GOLD. But since I have to live that long to sell it, better to lose it than MY LIFE.

"We have a Crucible of Blackflame. Do you think he might like it? Marcus suggested that we try that," Twilight added as Spike scribbled. "Please reply tonight. Your faithful student and friend, Twilight Sparkle."

Spike now sent it whisking away. I suddenly wondered how much she had told Celestia about me. ACK.

We made small talk with the others about the party. Then Rarity and I had to show Twilight how to Jitterbug. Seeing her and Carlotta dance with each other, both trying to lead, amused me.

TWO letters now arrived via Spike Flame. One was marked 'From Mom and Dad', the other marked 'To my beloved student and friend, Twilight Sparkle'. Twilight's parents are hanging out with Celestia right now?

"Oh wow, it's from Mom and Dad," Twilight said and quickly read it. First, I will note. She smiled brightly and handed it to Spike to hold onto. Then she turned to the second one.

The problem, though, with bribing Vermicoritax is that he's likely to expect regular tribute payments and that's problematic, though less than being raided by a Grand Wyrm. I have to agree with Herr Ukvarth that black dragons are not even slightly trustworthy.

But it's ponies. Force is always the last option after diplomacy, sharing and caring, pies, and so on.

Also, I am not sure we have enough force, though with the Elements of Harmony and Twilight's vast power, we may get a simple 'Twilight makes a new pancake, Spike eats it' scenario.

Spike's pancakes are better but less cosmic.

"What did she say?" Carlotta said, very worried.

"She advised me to tell Duchess Sapphire about the scrying and that the idea of offering the Crucible sounded reasonable to her, and some other ideas on things we can offer him," Twilight said. "And that she trusts my discretion." She blushed a little.

She turned the page. "She says that Herr Ukvarth is an expert on killing things but that if you have a hammer, you tend to go looking for nails."

Rarity and I both laughed at that; Spike and Carlotta laughed a few seconds later.

"If you try peace, you can still fight if peace fails; if you go straight to war, peace becomes impossible," Twilight read to us. She nodded. "And... hmm, interesting."

"Interesting?" I asked.

"She has a page of coded orders for me to give to the Wonderbolts." She held it up; the letters constantly changed and shuffled. Nice magical security.

"I can have a servant deliver them," Carlotta said.

"I'll do it myself as it must be secret." Twilight paused. "Nothing personal, you know I trust you, Carlotta."

"Of course," Carlotta said, taking her hoof. "We have shared an experience."

Spike held up a hand to his mouth and sidled over to Rarity and whispered to her, shielding his mouth, "Girl talk," he said. Rarity laughed softly. "But I got to skip it and go to the snack bar."

A blessing indeed, but I know what they talked about. Another nail for my coffin.

I am going to die hatless. Dammit.

"Oh yes," Carlotta said to Rarity. "I have a present for you."

It turned out to be a fair sized piece of red felt and a spool of green thread. "This is one of our trade samples, but you can have it."

"Oh, darling, I can hardly take something you need to sell your wares," Rarity said, though her eyes said 'YES MINE MINE MINE'. Her voice though, sounded a little guilty.

"I can summon more," Carlotta said.

"You know how to summon cloth?" Rarity said, eyes lighting up.

"It can only summon, not create, but yes," Carlotta said.

"Teach me," Rarity said urgently. Then she looked embarrassed. "I am sorry, Dona Carlotta. That was rude of me."

"I would be happy to teach you," she said. "Count Marcus, why don't you escort Twilight up to see the Duchess?"

"Of course," I said. "You are in good hands, Rarity." Very good hands.

Twilight had this... weirdly naughty look. And triumphant.

Oh dear.

*************

"You were looking rather gleeful," I said to her as we headed upstairs.

"Nope, not gleeful at all," she said. "Nothing is going on, nothing at all. Let's focus on the here and now and not the future."

The future? What?

"Do you think..." She paused and looked at me hesitantly, though she kept moving and so did I.

"Sometimes, I think," I said and she laughed.

"I wish the others could tell if someone scried them. It could be a unicorn hunter." She grimaced. "Most of them pick off ponies outside Equestria, but... we are outside Equestria. And this place would have a huge number of horns."

"I think only a madman would attack this many wizards AND the Wonderbolts," I said. "And Ethengars can't fly."

"Actually, there's a group of Pegasi and other ponies who live with the Ethengars," Twilight said. "They've gotten large enough to carry small, wiry humans by selective breeding and magic."

...

Those damn things are SENTIENT? But they're normal horse colored.

"Their Great Khan has Celestia very worried," Twilight continued. "But he'd have to cross Darokin to strike us and I doubt he'd make it this far."

We now reached the deck and went and passed the message to one of the Wonderbolts, who took it to their leader, Blue Angel. He read it, then frowned. "Lady Twilight," he said. "I've been ordered to detach Spitfire and Soarin' to assist you. The rest of us will remain with the Duchess and escort her floating party to Canterlot."

"Oh, that's very nice of you," Twilight said warmly. "I'm sure he'll be honored that two of the Wonderbolts came with us."

Given the Wonderbolts have fought dragons and won, this may be an intimidation measure. Or just reinforcements.

I hope it doesn't come down to a fight. If we have to kill it... if we can kill it, it will hurt Twilight. I can tell she doesn't want to hurt it unless she has no choice. Ponies are like that. Though if we do fight it and win, likely Twilight will turn it into a potato and that's how.

I don't want to fight it because I fear dying horribly. I've seen too much of that already.

Why was Twilight being so happy and naughty at once earlier? WHY?

That bothered me.

"I just hope it's enough," Blue Angel said. He was a sturdy blue-coated pony with a purple mane with streaks of red. You couldn't see his cutie mark, due to his unusual full-body uniform. All the Wonderbolts dress like that, along with the goggles.

"Me too," I confessed.

"I'll tell Soarin' and Spitfire," Blue Angel said, and headed out.

"Let's dance," Twilight said to me.

So I took her out on the floor and we danced. I couldn't help but flashback to my days in Canterlot.

Dammit, I hate flashbacks, they're a sign of senility, I'm sure.

*************

INVOLUNTARY FLASHBACK WHICH IS PROBABLY A SIGN OF ENCROACHING SENILITY, DAMMIT:

I was surprised Celestia was escorting me personally to meet with someone. I had done some adventuring after having to flee Belcadiz, and for once, I had held onto some money. I decided to go to Equestria, which would be nice and peaceful. I had made some pony friends when I'd visited Ierendi, and they'd told me about how nice and boring Equestria was. I wanted to try and further my magical studies, especially how to avoid witches' curses.

For obvious reasons.

When I arrived in Canterlot, I fell down exhausted, having stupidly decided to walk up the stairs to save money.

I know, laugh at me, I was being an idiot.

I woke up in a special ward for idiots like me. Mostly human idiots. But there was, to my shock, a letter from Princess Celestia. It was very friendly and though I was very nervous, I went to see her despite the part of me which said I ought to flee somewhere safe, like the Broken Lands.

During the period between Belcadiz and Equestria, I had, among other things, helped to deal with an attempt by one of the Entropic cults (Orcus to be precise) to destroy the city of Akorros. Celestia had learned of this and asked me about it. Then, to my surprise, she asked me to teach at her school about humans to her students.

The pay was generous, I had access to the libraries, and no one was going to kill me. And honestly, ponies are not hard to teach. At least at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns. They are EAGER to learn. Most of them. Some are slackers, but I've been that, so it doesn't bother me.

Twilight had already taken the classes I taught, moved on to more advanced studies. But Celestia introduced me to her after I'd settled in; I had heard stories about her from the other students. A genius but obsessive and anti-social.

Typical wizard, in other words.

Her place... was huge. She had her own tower, multiple stories, lushly decorated... I was totally jealous, of course. Who wouldn't be? You could fit an entire Karameikan village in her tower and it was just her and Spike.

"Twilight, my little pony, this is my dear friend Erik of Vestland, the new Teacher of Humanics," Celestia said warmly to Twilight, who was busy reading three books and scribbling in three columns on a piece of paper, while Spike was busy searching a bookshelf nearby. Also, I did not invent the name 'Humanics'. Blame the ponies.

"It's nice to meet you, Erik," she said, without even looking up. She paused, then looked up, embarrassed. "Hello, Princess Celestia, it's so nice to see you. I... oh no, this place is a total disaster! Spike, start cleaning up! Celestia, let me get you some tea!" She ran frantically up the stairs.

"Wait, Twilight... oh dear, can you help her, Erik?" Celestia asked.

"Of course," I said, running up the stairs. I found Twilight in the kitchen, trying to fill a teapot, water going everywhere as she became too frantic to aim it accurately, ensuring more water and more frantic.

I turned the water off, took the pot, turned the water back on, and filled it. "Can you do Etienne's Swift Warming?" I asked her.

"Of course," she said proudly. "I can light a fireplace too, or several torches at once." She blinked. "You're a unicorn human?" She studied my head.

"I am a wizard like you," I told her, smiling. If not on her level, from what Celestia told me.

Soon, the kettle was warming up, floating in the air and wrapped in a simple but useful spell. Meanwhile, I had gotten out some black tea bags, ready for steeping.

"I thought you taught Humanics," she said as we waited and she got out snacks with her powers.

"I do, fair lady Twilight," I told her. "But magic is a deep part of our history," I continued. "I noticed you seem to be trying to synchronize some passages from two history books and an astronomy text. May I ask why?"

"Do you know what the Twin Sisters are?" she asked.

"Sixty-five year cycle today, first observed by the Alphatians shortly after they arrived on Mystara, roughly two thousand years ago, at which time it had a ninety three year cycle. It stabilized in its current cycle around... seven hundred years ago? Roughly," I said. "I think it last appeared two years ago." Which is why I knew any of this. It's a comet with TWO tails, one of which is green. I couldn't help but notice it. EVERYONE couldn't help it.

"Wait, it changed its cycle?"

"It was slowly speeding up, until, for some reason, it stopped."

The tea was now ready, so we headed down. "Aaargh, none of my books explained that! So you couldn't use it to reliably match dates of different countries."

"You can if you know the pattern, but you'd need Ar's Guide to Celestial Bodies, Volume III: Comets," I told her. My copy, acquired out of curiosity over that comet, was stolen in the Heldaan Freeholds, if I remember correctly. "It's been so long, I only remember the outline."

"Well, maybe you can help me deduce it from the records I have access to," she said hesitantly.

Curry some favor with Celestia's favorite student? HELL YEAH. "I would love to," I told her.

She smiled. "Thanks. Spike loves to help me but he's just a baby." I then got to hear the story of how she got Spike, and we rejoined Celestia and the others.

*************

I had never danced with Twilight before this. Except once, when we were drunk. We could have gone to the Grand Galloping Gala, but we had a conjunction to observe and then we thought we'd discovered a new planet. (IT WAS A BEHOLDER. By the way, if you run away under a fear spell in Canterlot, there are LOTS of ways to fall from a height. Just a warning to the traveler)

Working with Twilight was a totally different experience in my life than almost anything else. Carlotta and I had done some magical work together, but she wasn't driven to learn constantly like Twilight is. Carlotta and I spent a lot of time walking in gardens, going to restaurants, writing and reading love poems to each other, dancing, the usual stuff.

Twilight was driven. Some nights, we fell asleep in the library. Or among books on the floor of her study room. A lot of nights, she'd be studying three things at once, and I'd be busy correcting student papers or trying to plan out lessons, while Spike ran around helping us. Spike is a very good guy and I hate that he hates me now.

I hope I was a good teacher. It's the only time I've ever done it. I think I learned as much as I taught; I had to research constantly in order to avoid screwing things up.

I also got chewed out by the Philosophy teacher, Wise Precepts, because... well, you can't help it. I couldn't teach about humans without teaching how humans think and she didn't agree with me. On how humans SHOULD think.

Which led to her and Twilight having a big fight, to my regret.

Twilight is very loyal to her friends. Which at that point was basically Celestia, Spike and I, though the two of us sometimes managed to push her to actually do things with her fellow students. Our luck was limited. She was too driven.

"Marcus, are you having a flashback?" she asked me and I started and returned to the present.

"I am SO sorry," I told her. "I have too much past."

"There's never too much past," Twilight said. She sighed. "The Thyatians are telling lies about him."

"Who?" I asked.

"Erik," she said softly. "They claim he seduced an Ambassador's harem." She grimaced. "He wouldn't do that."

I set them free and helped them to escape, in fact. They didn't want to be his harem but he owned them. I know, disgusting. Slavery is really the worst aspect of Thyatis. "One woman should be enough for any man," I said. "I certainly wouldn't last long trying to have more than one."

"I know," she said. "You're a good man, like Erik was. But I understand better now why he left. But Celestia wasn't like that. She would have been happy for us." Her voice wobbled.

Every time, I think I have hit 'peak awful', the world cranks it up a notch. I knew this was coming the moment she met Carlotta. Deep down in my bones, I knew it.

She's convinced herself I only fled because I was afraid that Celestia would banish me to the moon. Or something similar.

I never realized she felt that way because we didn't do romantic things together. It was like... Well, Ivan would never ever in a million years do academic research.

But if he DID, then we would have done stuff like that.

Learning with Twilight was fun. And it made me feel like a real wizard, not just a dabbler.

Mind you, knowing what Carnelia could do to me, with a fraction of Celestia's likely powers, gave me extra incentive to run at lighting speed and never look back once I did panic.

"Celestia wasn't like what?" I asked her, though I knew the answer. But 'Samus Marcus' doesn't know what *I* know that Carlotta told her.

I need to find out if Carlotta has moved on because if she hasn't, I am going to have to knock myself unconscious before my inner guilt beats me to death.

PLEASE don't let her be waiting for me.

PLEASE.

"She wouldn't have tried to stop us being together, like Princess Carnelia did with Erik and Carlotta." Her eyes were heavy with sadness. Now I really wanted to die. Seeing people I like hurt hurts me. Stupid empathy.

I spun us around; Twilight is not as coordinated as Rarity, but she can cheat with her magic even better than Rarity, so we got a little fancy. I like getting fancy. We were now back to back, joined hand to hoof behind our backs. Then we came around to face each other again.

It was hard to see. I think I had sweat running down into my eyes. She looked at me and now she started to cry a little. "I know, it's terrible," she said. Then she told me the whole story I already knew.

It's fortunate no railing was nearby; I wanted to run. Run like the wind and not stop until I hit, say, Ylarum.

But I couldn't run. "You'll probably never see him again," I said softly. "I'm sure he misses you." No, no, don't feed her romantic dreams, dammit. "But you can at least look up at the same stars." DAMN YOU MOUTH SHUT UP!!!! "I don't know if he's much of a star gazer, though." Dammit, mouth, the goal is NOT to make her think about past times with him... with me. The him who was me. DAMMIT.

"I'm not... I'm not waiting," she said stubbornly. I wasn't so sure. "He has no way of knowing the truth. When I meet the right guy, I'll know. I'm just not... I'm very busy with my research and protecting Ponyville and studying Friendship and this quest and I'm not like Rarity who every stallion in the universe wants." She sounded jealous.

She paused and her eyes widened. "I'm not saying she's a tramp who just runs around with every man in sight! She's not like that, Marcus! That totally came out wrong!"

"Rarity is a woman of discretion and taste. I'm sure that only the very best will do for her," I told Twilight. "She could, though, teach you about flirting."

It would be for the best, really.

"I just... all the books have contradictory advice," Twilight said, frustrated. "I didn't even... I spent the whole Grand Gala wearing my horseshoes out shaking hooves."

"Celestia wanted you to greet the guests with her?" I asked.

"Yes. Like Sapphire. I hardly got to talk to Celestia at all until we kind of... wrecked the Gala," she said, deeply embarrassed.

I dipped her low, then spun her around and we spun out to where one hand and one hoof connected us. She wobbled, nearly falling but I caught her, aided by my own magic. "What? I can't imagine you wrecking a party."

She told me the whole story as I stared in shock. It was like the story of my life, compressed into a party. "I wish so much I could have seen that." I couldn't help laughing and now she laughed as well.

For now, I could just relax, enjoy the party, and forget everything.

**************

The music finished and now we saw Applejack. "Hey, Applejack," I said. She looked happier now. "How are you?"

"I think I just cut a SWEET deal with Don Diego," she said cheerfully. "He wants to come see my operation later, too."

"That's great. The Belcadizians love their fruit," I told her. "They make this dish with candied peaches, it's amazing."

"Twilight, mind if I take Marcus for a spin?" Applejack asked.

"It's fine but you have to ask him too," Twilight said.

"I would be happy to dance with you, Applejack," I told her.

Applejack ended up teaching me a Pony dance, done side by side. This made it harder to watch her and learn. But I was ready for a rest, anyway. Ponies are heavier than you'd think.

"Thanks for pointin' him my way, Marcus," Applejack said.

"Glad to help you," I told her.

"Even after I kinda chewed on you earlier," she continued ruefully. She side stepped and I did the same, thrice, then we went back the other direct, kicking with every other step.

"It's fine," I told her. "Friends never get along perfectly."

"Yeah, Rarity and I have some fights, sometimes," she said, shaking her head. "You like apples, right?"

"Doesn't everyone?" I said. "There's that crispness and they're easy to chew, but they don't just squish if you try to carry some with you," I told her.

She gave a happy sigh. "Don Diego really liked the apple I gave him too. I guess... you just hear some crazy stories about humans sometimes."

We now surged forward in a quick step, stopped, kicked, then surged back.

"Oh, they're probably all true. It's just... what defines humans is that we're not easily defined," I told her. "There are humans like each and every one of you and your friends and some who aren't like you at all," I continued.

I had trouble with the back rush and back kick, having only one set of legs. It's impossible for me to kick with both.

"Anyway, you get scared too easy and your weird nudity taboo is just kind of silly, but I hope I didn't hurt your feelings too much and I'm sorry," Applejack said.

"Well, I hope I didn't hurt yours either," I told her. "You fight bravely, you're hard working and you should be proud of yourself, whatever some aristocrats may think. I'm sure Celestia is proud of you."

"Thanks," she said, smiling. "I'm feelin' pretty good right now."

I could see Twilight dancing now with some stallion I didn't know. I felt a twinge of jealousy and stomped on it. Don't be stupid, brain, I told it. I was going to be happy for her if it killed me. And she'd probably never see the fellow again, anyway.

"GOOD," Applejack said, following my gaze, and I couldn't help but laugh.

"Is he handsome by pony standards?" I asked.

"Not bad. Looks kinda like one of those useless rich aristocrats, but he can dance and he's got his eyes focused on her, so she deserves a little fun," Applejack said.

That's when I got slapped in the face with a glove. "You disgusting Aalbanese bastard," the man said; he was a Belcadizian and quite drunk. "The last thing I need is for more of MY kin to die in one of YOUR wars!"

What the hell is... oh crap, I look Aalbanese in this body and I am dressed as one. "Sir, you mistake me for someone else. I swear on my mother's hat that I have not started any wars."

It does not count if it only involves goblins. And orcs. And gnolls. And... whatever those things were.

"YOU! You're all guilty!" He slapped me again. "I challenge you to a Duel Arcane!"

"Sir, I don't even know your name and I am willing to gamble that you do not know mine."

"You are the legendary Iron Count of Samuspolis! A notorious mercenary and despoiler of cities!" he said angrily. "One of Jagger's idiot warmongers!"

...

Applejack looked at me, then said to the man, "Did you escape from an insane asylum?"

"Shut your fat pony face!" he said pointing at her and now she looked mad.

"This body is all muscle," Applejack snapped at him, frowning. "I bet you can't even pull your own weight!"

"You're nothing but a pathetic *Earth* Pony. This is between wizards, so keep out!" the Elf said angrily.

Applejack actually growled and I saw her paw the ground once. This was going to get ugly if I can't defuse it.

Dammit, I don't recognize this guy but he is Belcadizian. "Who are you?"

"I am Don Carlos V, son of Don Carlos IV!," he said proudly.

I see his family doesn't know many names.

"We can duel another time," I told him. "I am on an important mission for Princess Celestia and so affairs of honor must wait." There's no point in trying to argue it out with a drunken fool who...

Someone is trying to use this fool against me for some reason. Why? I think Ukvarth saw through me somehow but how would this advance his goals? He clearly is trying to pressure Twilight to go crazy on the dragon. Why?

Dammit, I smell a mystery and I don't have time for a mystery!

On the other hand, the longer we stay on this ship, the longer I live before encountering the dragon.

Dammit.

"Yeah, what he said," Applejack said, backing me up. Though I could see she was still stiff and angry and probably wanted a fight.

"We can do it now or I can go to the Duchess and appeal to her authority to get what is MY RIGHT," he said.

Can he do that? Is this tech... I suppose as a diplomat, this ship is essentially under Glantrian law. I have no clue whether she can actually MAKE us duel. Make ME duel.

"Fine," I said. "Take it to the Duchess." Either she says no, or she says yes and then I am fucked.

"Can she order you two to fight?" Applejack asked, frowning deeply. "That ain't right."

"I don't even know, but he's drunk and he may just go straight to raining magical death if we don't play along," I said softly to her as he stormed off towards the Duchess.

Dammit, someone's trying to play me. Who? Why? Dammit!

We went before the Duchess and he rambled on about how I was trying to get everyone in Belcadiz killed in another of Jagger's wars, though he was kind of short on details about how this worked. The Aalbanese looked rather angry over his accusations, especially given he was short on details. Herr Sigismund especially looked displeased.

Was someone trying to get the two groups to slaughter each other? Ugh. Entirely possible. I tried detecting magic, but saw no sign of a charm spell. But of course, you don't need magic to plant ideas in the head of a bitter drunk.

"This man has NOTHING to do with my father, and we are not... whatever you think we are doing! This is a trade mission!," Herr Sigismund said angrily. "If you want a duel arcane, I will give you one!"

Twilight had joined us, but she looked a little overwhelmed. There's not a book for this and it's clear she's only studied politics abstractly.

Duchess Sapphire had a calm expression. Was she up to something? "Count Samus, you deny his accusations?"

"They're utterly ludicrous. I have never even seen Prince Jagger," I said. "Nor am I a warmonger. I am here on a mission for the throne of Equestria to deal with a marauding dragon. We only came up to the ship because Duchess Sapphire invited us."

"By unleashing it on US," Don Carlos said angrily. "You're going to buy it off to attack Belcadiz!"

Twilight frowned. "We are NOT. Equestria is the enemy of no nation!"

"Who told you that?" I asked him.

He looked flustered. "That's none of your business!"

"Given that someone lied to you in order to create a diplomatic incident, I think it is," I said firmly.

"Count Marcus, I need you to cast a spell," Duchess Sapphire said coolly, her cheerful party demeanor quite gone.

"What spell?" I asked.

"Any," she said.

I scooped a handful of change out, then made it dance in the air. "Tercinius' Invisible Hands," I told her. My telekinesis spell.

"You are an Arcaner by our law, and thus considered innocent until proven guilty. Further, you are part of a diplomatic mission," Duchess Sapphire began.

"He's not a registered part of their group," Don Carlos said. "And thus not covered by Diplomatic Immunity. Especially as he is not an Equestrian citizen."

"He IS part of our group," Rainbow Dash said, arms folded. Everyone was gathered around the dais, watching, though the band played on.

"I am quite sure that if we contact Celestia, she can fix the paperwork," Twilight said hesitantly.

"Diplomatic status does not radiate backwards in time," Don Carlos said. Okay, he is right on that one. Dammit.

Dona Carlotta now finally shoved her way through the crowd. "Don Carlos, stand down. You are here under father's authority and we are not here to fight with the Aalbanese."

"I am within my rights! And everyone knows you slut around with humans. Of course you're taking his side," Don Carlos said angrily.

I felt an intense surge of anger. I felt someone else's intense surge of anger. Several, in fact. Rarity and Twilight both looked ready to charge and trample Don Carlos.

Dona Carlotta's face went very cold and angry. "I am doing what my Aunt sent me here to do, which is to negotiate a trade agreement with Equestria. Something which will NOT be advanced by you forcing a member of an Equestrian diplomatic group into a duel over some stupid accusation you can't and won't prove," she said, her voice like ice.

Where is Don Diego? He ought to be here, but he isn't. Unless he plans to...

Oh, Immortals above, please don't let him do his usual crazy thing.

Dash was mumbling to herself about something, then glanced across the crowd at one of the Aalbanese, who I now saw watching this with huge concern. Why? He didn't look like the manipulator behind this but somehow this touched him especially. But he was just some guy with a mustache to me.

Admittedly, he did have a nice hat, though not a glorious one.

Blue Angel stepped up and began conferencing by whisper with Twilight.

Herr Ukvarth now began talking quietly to Herr Sigismund. The worried young man kept watching everything but kept looking at Dona Carlotta. Oh ho ho. Her new boyfriend. Good. I don't want her to wait for me. We can't ever be together and it's better she moves on.

But he really doesn't look worthy of her to me.

"My victory will be my proof," Don Carlos said.

The Duel Arcane cannot be forced on anyone, though refusing a duel may cause loss of status, if the foe was someone of equal status to yourself or fairly close or if the evidence is strong they are right. I could appeal to the court systems, but then I'd have to stay with them for the duration of the trial and there would be a ton of complications.

Given I am faking noble status, I can't afford that.

I studied Duchess Sapphire. She wants an out, ideally one which offends the least number of people. I think some of the Belcadizians agree with Don Carlos, at least on being angry at Dona Carlotta, and are looking for an excuse to beat up some humans. Why on earth are these three groups traveling together, anyway? It must advance some scheme of Sapphire or Princess Emerald.

Rarity suddenly exhaled with great force and her anger was gone. No, not gone. Contained. Hidden within a field of politeness. She still wasn't happy, but she was going to play the game.

"Don Carlos, are you bringing formal charges against a member of our delegation? Or merely pressing for a Duel Arcane, since your evidence is non-existent?" Rarity asked. "Unless you can provide actual evidence, you cannot levy a charge against an Arcaner. You can ask him for a Duel Arcane whenever you like, for whatever reason you like, but he has no obligation to accept it. Further, you might keep in mind that Libeling, Mocking, or Insulting an Arcaner is a crime and that if your accusation is proven false, there are dozens of witnesses to your crime. Perhaps you enjoy being whipped and beaten, however."

OOOH, burn. Go, Rarity, faster, kill, kill!

He scowled. "Of course not!"

"And, of course, you must have two witnesses. Do you, in fact, have two witnesses?" Rarity asked.

I suddenly wondered when and why she'd learned about Glantrian law.

Then I saw Twilight studying a book and her horn glowing softly and I smiled. Go, Twilight!

"She is indeed correct," Duchess Sapphire said. "I am certainly within my rights to dismiss your charges unless you can provide two witnesses. Do you have two witnesses?" She sounded relieved.

"You are a COWARD! Hiding behind ponies!" Don Carlos shouted at me. "Why won't you duel me?"

"In other words, you have no witnesses and no proof and no case that will last five minutes in court," Rarity said. She wasn't just talking to him but to everyone. Clearly, whoever set him up expected I would accept the duel or maybe even hoped a riot would break out over the accusations. If a trial date was set, the accusations would fester in people's minds, poisoning this trade mission.

But why wreck it?

Does someone want Belcadiz and Equestria to fight each other? Or likely Glantri and Equestria, as I doubt it would remain a private war. Not that either country could easily fight each other, given Darokin and Sind are in the way of them fighting each other. Belcadiz vs. Aalban? More likely, but why accuse an outsider? Is this pressure on me? Why? I don't exactly have much leverage.

Unless it's using me to get to Twilight, who is Celestia's favorite student. Is this someone's revenge? An effort to put pressure on Equestria?

Dammit, too many variables.

Don Carlos seethed drunkenly. "Quibbler! You're still a coward hiding behind others! Why won't you fight?"

Because only macho, retarded idiots fight pointless fights with people to prove their manliness, especially when it's pretty clear someone is playing the 'lets you and him fight' game.

"He's not a coward!," Rainbow Dash said angrily. Thank you, Rainbow Dash. "Kick his ass, Marcus!" Unthank you, Rainbow Dash. She began miming punching someone out.

"I have a mission which is more important than indulging your desire for violence," I said firmly. And I don't give a DAMN what you think. Ideally, I'd like to settle this in some way that doesn't end with the ship on fire and everyone falling and the Duchess swearing eternal vengeance on me.

I could tell that most of the crowd both thought Don Carlos was making stupid accusations but that I was a coward for not fighting him. This galled me.

Just not enough to be an idiot about it, especially since it was clear my current traveling companions mostly had little interest in seeing me fight this man. Other than Applejack, who clearly was angry over the fat pony and pathetic earth pony cracks. Which didn't make me happy but I am alive because you can't taunt me into things. And Dash, who clearly believes in me more than I do.

I am keenly aware that unless he just dabbled in magic to qualify as a gentleman, I am not going to beat him in a Duel Arcane.

Dona Carlotta whispered to Duchess Sapphire, then ran towards the stairs to below-decks, probably to find her father, who had better not be about to do what I think he is.

I can't see Pinkie anywhere. ANYWHERE.

I looked behind me quickly; no Pinkie.

UUUURGH.

Any Pinkie I can't see scares me more than one I can see.

"If you wish to satisfy your honor, we can satisfy you another time," Rarity said, her voice very calm in the way that always indicates control of emotions. Ironically, it can actually expose you aren't calm if you're *too* calm.

Yeah, life hates us, I know.

"So you're going to hide behind women and ponies," he said disgustedly.

FOOL. Did you notice WHO RUNS THIS SHIP?

Duchess Sapphire frowned deeply. "Do you have a problem with women and ponies, Don Carlos?"

He now realized he'd exposed himself. "No, of course not," he said firmly, trying to backpedal.

"As I would be happy to help you go home through the swamp if you do," she said coldly.

HAH!!!!!

"I just want this coward to face me, that the truth might be revealed!" he said angrily.

"The truth is that you're a drunken blowhard with too much clothing and a bad attitude," Applejack snapped at him. "I guess you hide behind clothing so no one can see how inadequate you are."

"Everyone knows Earth Ponies can't use magic! Shut your mouth and know your place, you lowly Earth Pony!" he snapped back at her.

Now a round of whispers went around, and Applejack looked even angrier.

Rarity whispered to Applejack intensely, while I began contemplating our options. A major problem is that by Glantri's definition, she's not a 'spell caster'. Earth pony magic is REAL, but it tends to be things like getting three times the yield of crops that a mundane farmer would or having the strength to pull tons of weight, and so on. It isn't spell magic or even Bardic magic. Pinkie qualifies, but even with the Element of Harmony...

Don Diego, finish showing up and turning this into a travesty already! We can use the chaos to escape before this all goes to hell. Mundaners have very few rights, and Applejack just engaged in what is technically 'mocking, libeling and... whatever the other thing is' towards an Arcaner. If she gets mad and attacks him, she could be sentenced to time in the Tower of Sighs, which is basically a prison haunted by the undead.

And of course, he'll want her to attack him so he can send her to jail.

"Earth Pony, Pegasus, Unicorn, it doesn't matter if you're all friends!" Rainbow Dash said, quite offended. "Applejack is my friend, and I trust and rely on her!" I heard a distant rumble of thunder; clouds were starting to gather. Oh this isn't going to be good. I could see the various Wonderbolts scattered around and none of them looked happy.

"You're nothing but a big mouthed snob," Ivan said hotly, surprising me. "Frankly, no one gives a DAMN what you think. You're nothing but a parasite who lives off other people's work while others work in the fields all day long so you can lounge around, sipping wine and cheating on your wives!" Ivan, this is not the time to remember your roots! We have to handle this delicately! You're going to antagonize an entire shipful of parasites!

"I only have ONE WIFE, I don't cheat on her, and you're not any different than this pony! Duchess Sapphire, are you going to stand for mundaners libeling arcaners?" Don Carlos demanded.

DAMMIT.

The crowd was frowning. They certainly wouldn't stand for it. Bunch of idiot snobs. Why is it that cultured refinement so often goes with being an arrogant bastard who lives off the work of others.

I suddenly realized I had my hand on Rarity's back to steady myself. Now, see, she is elegant and refined AND she works hard instead of living off others. I wish more people could be like that.

Unlike Ivan, I don't have fits of thinking I can change the world for the better, though. I can't even hold onto a DECENT HAT.

Do not covet Applejack's hat, I reminded myself. Not with everyone watching.

"Don Carlos, do you wish it to be known in Equestria that Belcadizians despise non-wizards? Do you think this will help you to get a good trade deal with a country mostly made up of non-wizards?" Rarity asked, shivering under my hand, but her voice calm, holding her position. "Is that what you all think of us? If so, why trade with us? Further, why should we bother to buy your goods if you do not respect us? If you are going to quibble about the precise paperwork of diplomatic immunity, you must expect us to do the same and we will not view your views on Ponies with any great favor. Perhaps you would like to learn the penalties for libel in our country. Do you think Celestia will view you and yours with favor for this? Or that she shares your views on who should rule? Might I remind you that three of the slots on the Royal Council are always reserved for Earth Ponies, because they are as important as we Unicorns?" It's a nine person council, three of each kind of pony.

I could see Twilight frantically working her way through several tomes and clearly still in mental contact with Rarity, while Spike assisted her.

I relaxed a little. Despite my growing terror, Rarity had things well in hand. I think my response to this would have been to scream and babble, though given time to PLAN, I could have done better.

Ivan was whispering softly to Applejack, who nodded to him, while Rainbow Dash looked ready to just explode. She clearly felt as tense as I did.

Duchess Sapphire paused, then had an odd little smile as she looked at Rarity. She now looked around like myself, assessing the crowd, which was now clearly unsettled. Had they not even thought about... of course not. Glantrians think they are the BEST of all societies.

Mind you, so do the Equestrians.

Every society thinks itself the best, but the Glantrians... It's like this. This is a country where the thinkers rule. Where the people who get kicked around and told they are 'weak' and 'nerds' and 'pussies' run the place by their arcane power. Where those who are strong of body don't rule the show like in so many countries. Glantrians often lack wisdom but they aren't stupid. (Mind you, the combination of low wisdom and high arcane power gets pretty messy.)

Unfortunately, a lot of them respond by turning into thugs and bullies who rely on *arcane* rather than *physical* might. They decide their brains make them destined to rule, etc, etc. You know how it goes.

They end up despising non-spellcasters and their laws enforce that. It's why I couldn't stay... okay, one of many reasons I couldn't stay. If a place craps on my friends like Ivan, I can't stay if they're going to be treated that badly.

Not that I have many close friends, but it's the principle of the thing.

Several other Belcadizians were trying to whisper to Don Carlos. Others were glaring at us angrily or at the ponies or at the Aalbanese. The various Glantrian Ponies looked pretty tense, though they all kept silent. I guess they were going to let Duchess Sapphire lead. Understandably.

Don Carlos drew a wand. SHIT. He's going to go axe-crazy now and given this place is full of people who can easily level this ship, we are all going to catch fire and die.

I could feel Rarity tense more through my hand on her back and everyone began reaching for implements. Wizards can heighten their powers through the use of wands, staves, rods, and other items. I could if I had one. I've had a fair number and lost them all. Helga has this really nice staff which amplifies her ability to do thunder and lightning magic.

Unicorn Ponies just use their horn for the same purpose. And their Cutie Mark. Given the Elements of Harmony seem to work like an implement, I expect...

And then there was a twang and the wand flew out of Don Carlos' hand.

Ahh, here he is.

There was a male elf clad in black pants, a black cake hat (a short cylinder, flat-topped, shaped like a cake) with a wide brim, a black buttoned shirt, black gloves and a black raccoon mask (the kind which basically covers the region around your eyes and noting else). The only thing on him that wasn't black was that he wore a badge which depicted a circle with a broad range of colors in it like a spectrum. It represents a planar portal, one of the type known as 'color pools'. He was dark skinned with short black hair and a nicely done mustache, and he had a rapier on one hip, a whip on the other and a crossbow in his hands with a quiver on his back. He stood upon... the pole things that jut sideways from masts and you hang the sails on them.

Next to him stood a pink pony with a wavy pink mane, wearing exactly the same outfit as him, except that she had a pie badge, had a spatula instead of a rapier, some sort of icing spreader thing instead of a whip and a pie balanced on each of her forehoofs as she stood unnaturally bipedally.

Words fail me.

"MANUEL OF THE PLAINS!" the Belcadizians shouted as one in utter shock.

See, here's the thing. As you probably have guessed, it's Don Diego in black, wearing a damn raccoon mask. And yet, NO ONE CAN TELL. No one. I have seen this man give Prince Innocenti di Malipietra a wedgie and somehow not die horribly by poison because di Malipietra couldn't find him to take revenge.

He puts on this ludicrous outfit and rides around on his Pony ally, Platinum, avenging injustices and righting wrongs and helping out oppressed peasants and basically twisting the nose of every noble in Glantri and GETS AWAY WITH IT.

Okay, maybe I am a little jealous.

But how on Mystara can they NOT RECOGNIZE HIM?

It's a freaking raccoon mask. You can see his mustache and his hair and...

I can't get away with a cheesy disguise like that, so how can *he*?

"And I am champion of justice Caramelita of the Pies!," the pink pony said. If that isn't Pinkie Pie, I would eat my hat if I had one. "Who stands for caring AND sharing!"

Every pony in the place stamped their hoof with approval, to my surprise. Some of them began cheering her.

Herr Sigismund began giving frantic orders to his men; he clearly knows what usually comes after this. Herr Ukvarth buried his face in his hands, clearly frustrated. And Duchess Sapphire... grinned. Oh dear.

"What a thrilling, well-dressed heroine," Rarity said, clearly admiring. She... surely she can tell it is Pinkie.

A quick glance showed that somehow, none of them could tell. Except Applejack, who had a hoof over her mouth to keep from laughing. She saw me and she winked at me. Are they putting on an act?

It wouldn't surprise me if Pinkie had done this before.

Of course she has.

Don Carlos started to reach for another wand and took a pie to the face and fell down.

"Someone needs a hug!" 'Caramelita' announced. "Platinum! HUG STRIKE!"

Platinum, a silver-coated, black maned unicorn pony wearing a raccoon mask and black boots (and nothing else, unlikely the heavily clad ponies attendant at the party), now rushed through the crowd and pounced on Don Carlos, hugging him and laughing loudly. His ACTUAL name is 'Silver Fork' and he is Don Diego's butler. He somehow turns his Cutie Mark into a platinum coin instead of a silver fork when he's 'in disguise'.

Another Belcadizian now went for a rod, only to get a pie to the face from 'Caramelita'. "Now, now! Someone else needs a hug!"

"Hug time now!" somepony shouted and rushed at him. It was a middle-aged mare I didn't know, wearing a fancy blue and green satin dress.

Then someone shouted, as I knew they would, "PIE FIGHT!", opening up with a barrage from the snack bar.

"YEE HAW!" Applejack shouted, opening fire with apples and then 'Manuel of the Plains' and 'Caramelita swooped down and food began flying everywhere. Once I saw Duchess Sapphire hurl a plate of candies at someone, I knew that chaos would inevitably ensue.

Was ensuing, in fact.

Rarity looked at the growing anarchy. "Oh dear," she said. "I think we've caused a diplomatic incident," she said, sounding guilty.

"No, you avoided one," Duchess Sapphire said, then passed her a plate of those Belcadizian swirlcakes. "Let's see your legendary archery skills, dear. I think the dry cleaning bill is going to be horrendous, but better cleansers than blood, right?"

...

Rarity smiled. "Of course. Marcus, will you be kind enough to mark my targets for me?"

Okay, I surrender. You win again, Diego, Pinkie. I picked the four snootiest looking aristocrats I could find, then I cast a spell, St. Tarastia's Fire. I think the Shadow Elves originally invented this one; it basically limns a target in totally harmless 'flame'. This makes it easy to find people in the dark and helps with hitting them with ranged attacks.

Rarity hit each of them in the face with a series of quick shots. This of course, led to counter-fire and we ended up drenched in wine with bits of fruit all over us and then someone lobbed MEATLOAF at us. NOT ON A WHITE SUIT!

I staggered, covered in red sauce, bacon, beef, and cheese. My suit. The beautiful suit Rarity bought me with her own money and now it's a ruined soggy mess. And Rarity's beautiful dress was now a soggy mess as well and there was a chunk of cheese-bread-meat mess on her tiara. I brushed it off and eyed the crowd.

Someone was going to PAY FOR THIS.

One of the Aalbanese had a MINIATURE CATAPULT; as I watched, he dropped chicken parmesan on Fluttershy, who was busy dodging attacks. "Please, stop the violence before someone gets hurt," she said, then got hit. Yelping, she fell down into the scrum.

"Rarity," I said, limning him in fire. He stared at himself, clearly knowing what this meant. He was, like most Aalbanese men, dark haired with a mustache, wearing a white suit like mine. "I think he needs a few splashes of COLOR to liven up that white suit."

"I agree one hundred percent, darling," she said. A dozen shrimp rose into the air, dipped themselves in the half a dozen dips which sat next to them on a now abandoned server's tray, and then they flew in a swarm at the man. I noticed an ENTIRE BOWL of dip... no, three... followed the same trajectory, and I saw Twilight concentrating. She gave me the hoof sign, grinning.

Whoever that man was, he went DOWN and went down HARD.

Fluttershy rose out of the scrum, wobbling, only to get hit by an entire loaf of Averoignese style bread, which had been split and buttered and covered with garlic, briefly turning her into a sandwich.

I could totally go for an Averoignese style soup and sandwich right now.

Not made of pony!

You know what I *mean*.

Determinedly, Fluttershy took to the sky again. "Violence is bad! Stop the madness!" She dripped food and sauces now and was a hideous mess.

She would have been hit by an entire pizza, except Rainbow Dash flew down and interposed herself, then hurled an entire tray of Belcadizian burritos at the perpetrator, a green pony who now went down.

"Sorry, Fluttershy," Rainbow Dash said to her. "But this is war! And war means..." A tomato to Rainbow Dash's face. "CHAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGEEEEEEE!" She zoomed at whoever did it, who I couldn't see.

Trust me, Fluttershy, we're getting off easy, except for our dry cleaning bills.

Fluttershy looked around, then got hit with a tomato in the face even as she opened her mouth. Then she saw someone's little yappy pet dog take a Belcadizian swirlcake to the face. Her eyes crossed and when they returned to normal, Fluttershy shouted, "ENOUGH! PETS OF GLANTRI! RISE UP! IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO BE FREE!"

ACK.

***************

Fortunately, the ship's actual PILOT was under decks in the control room, so the ship didn't crash, but wow, cleaning this thing up is going to be epic.

Fortunately, most of the pets of Glantri ran to their masters and hid, but the smarter ones had joined in on the anarchy, now at Fluttershy's command.

My suit was all the colors of the rainbow and Rarity and the other ponies looked like a buffet bar. I was utterly exhausted but it was a good exhausted. Rarity was flopped down next to me, both of us breathing hard. We'd used a lot of magic. I wanted a nap BADLY.

"Justice has been done!," 'Manuel' shouted. "Platinum, to me!"

Platinum ran over and 'Manuel' and 'Caramelita' got onto his back and then galloped across the deck, leaping off the side and vanishing in a spray of silvery dust. A rather flashy teleport, I assume, though given Don Diego's skills, they may have just plane shifted.

"Wow, Pinkie missed the whole fight," Rainbow Dash said. "She is gonna be SO unhappy."

...

"I know, it's her sort of thing," Rarity said.

"It's nice to see heroic ponies in other countries too," Twilight said.

"Uhh... that was Pinkie," Applejack said, cocking her head and looking at Twilight.

"I'm pretty sure that 'Caramelita' was Pinkie," I said.

"No way," Rainbow Dash said, shaking her head. "Pinkie never wears black."

"It didn't look like Pinkie," Ivan said. "You get some weird ideas in your head, Marcus."

Dammit, Ivan, not you too!

I caught Applejack's gaze, then shrugged. I gave up fighting on the whole 'your father is Manuel of the Plains, no really' thing a long time ago.

"Even I think we need a bath," Applejack said, looking at herself. She was a squishy, sticky mess. We all were.

"Everyone will, but I will see to quarters for you tonight; you can teleport back to where we got you in the morning," Duchess Sapphire said. "There is no way I can send you back to the swamp like this."

"Thank you," I said. "I am very sorry about this."

"We avoided the total wreck of the mission and it's clear some tensions needed deflating and lessons had to be learned," she said. "Like how Don Carlos needs to be sent back home accidentally on purpose."

I like how she thinks.

****************

This is how Ivan and I ended up having a nice hot bath, though oddly, though I could hear attendants in the other baths, we didn't have any. On the other hand, we were in a fairly small one, while the others were crowded with ponies, Belcadizians, or Aalbaneese.

I was busy trying to clean my back when to my surprise, someone began scrubbing it. I was fighting the urge to scream and flee when Don Diego said amiably, "It's just me, Samus Marcus."

"You missed the pie fight and two great heroes," Ivan said.

Dammit, Ivan, I just tried to tell you it was Diego and Pinkie!!!

"I always seem to miss Manuel of the Plains," Don Diego said sadly as he scrubbed my back. I twitched, wishing I could have beautiful elf maidens instead of a... okay, he isn't that old for an Elf but I'd rather have women.

That being said, a clean back IS important to me.

"Why does everyone else have attendants and we don't?" Ivan asked.

"I believe the blue-skinned pegasus told them you were easily embarrassed and needed privacy because you were human," Don Diego said. "So I thought I would be a good host and come tend to your needs." He sounded very amused.

DAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSHHHHH!!!!!!

Ivan laughed. "Marcus is easily embarrassed."

I began doing my hair with Diego's help. "Where's Silver Fork?" I asked.

"Helping to tend to the needs of your ladyfriends, the Elements of Harmony," Diego said amiably. "It seems he is always a big hit with the ladies. I keep telling him he ought to settle down, but he tells me he cannot marry until he outdoes the glories of the mighty Platinum."

"He should probably set more realistic goals, that's like saying you won't marry until you have the head of three Grand Wyrms," Ivan said. He was washing his hair now.

Is he fucking with me or does the universe just hate me?

Of course, the answer could be 'both'.

"I have arranged for fresh clothing for you tomorrow," Diego said. "Though I fear the swamp will muss it quickly."

"So do I," I told him. "And thank you."

We chatted amiably while my brain slowly worked on melting to slag.

***************

"Don Diego has been kind enough to put us up as an apology for Don Carlos' behavior," Twilight said. "However, we will have to go three to a room with one sleeping on a magical air balloon on the floor."

"A magical air balloon?" I asked, confused. I was wearing actual pajamas, thanks to Don Diego. Black with silver stripes. They fit me poorly, but I didn't care. I feel like a REAL PERSON now.

"They are like a flat, mattress shaped balloon. Don Diego assures me they are very comfortable," she said.

These must be new; I slept on a cot a few times in Belcadiz but never a balloon.

"Well, how about me, Ivan, and Pinkie," Applejack said. "Then you, Marcus, Rarity, Sp... no wait, that's four."

Twilight Sparkle looked at Ivan. "You fine with sleeping with Pinkie and Applejack?"

"Earth ponies forever," he said deadpan and high-fived Applejack and Pinkie at the same time.

...

"I can take Spitfire and Soarin'," Dash said. "Then... oh wait, that leaves five. Ummm..."

"They'll leave with us but they have quarters," Twilight said. "And I think they're going to pull a watch shift with some of the other Wonderbolts."

"So, me, Twilight, Rarity, and then Dash, Fluttershy, and Marcus," Spike said quickly.

"Marcus should be with the unicorns," Fluttershy said hesitantly. "If we're going by type."

Twilight paused and looked at me. "Marcus..."

"I can sleep with whoever will be most convenient," I said. "As you must have seen, I don't sleep naked."

"Twilight, why don't you take Marcus and Dash? I can use Spike and Fluttershy's help on something before bed," Rarity said.

"YES!" Spike said.

I put a hand over my mouth long enough to resist laughing, then Twilight said, "Okay. Marcus can help me with something too."

"Hah! We'll have the best slumber party!" Rainbow Dash said.

Twilight's eyes suddenly lit up.

Rarity and Applejack looked at each other and grinned and I felt my stomach curdle.

Rainbow Dash looked at me. I looked at her. For a moment, our minds moved as one. 'Uh oh.'

****************

In my long life, I can say that I have never actually done up a woman's hair with curlers. Or had mine done up. It's really not long enough for it, though it's not cut extremely short.

"I hope we're doing this right, I am going by memory because I didn't bring the book," Twilight said as she worked on my hair, while I tried to do Dash and Dash tried to do Twilight. This was difficult since she had to do it with her teeth and with clumsy hoof grips. Admittedly, Ponies have insanely nimble mouths and teeth. It was clear Twilight was the only one of us who actually knew how to do this.

"I am sure it will be fine as long as we have fun," I said. This is not, in fact, my idea of fun, but I owe Twilight and she's so enthusiastic about this, how can I say no?

Also, Spike cannot strangle me in my sleep if he's with Rarity and Fluttershy. Working on... whatever it is.

"Man, so humans even have special clothing for sleeping?" Dash asked me, studying my outfit.

"And it's different for men and women," I said.

"Why? It's not like it's not easy to tell which is which," Dash said.

"A woman's body is contoured differently," I told her. I now finished her hair, hoping I did it right.

Twilight finished mine, while Dash fumbled with Twilight's hair.

"Yeah, I noticed all the elf and human women have giant breasts. Don't those get in the way?" Dash asked.

"They make nice pillows," I said. "And typically a woman sleeps on her back or side if it's too much to be comfortable. Isn't that normally how ponies sleep?"

Twilight's eyes crossed and she mumbled.

"Sorry," Dash said. "I'm trying to be gentle."

I helped her with it. She would have been fine if she had fingers.

Dash sighed. "I'm sorry, Rarity could do this really well."

"We can't all be Rarity," I said. "Though it wouldn't hurt if more people were like her."

Dash grinned at me for some reason. "I...umm... you met Soarin', right?"

"Briefly," I said. "He seems a decent fellow."

Twilight nodded. "Okay... we've done each other's hair... oh yes, time for our faces."

"Faces?" Dash said nervously.

"Facial cleanser creams... which I don't have," Twilight said. "I already borrowed Rarity's curlers... I hate to keep taking her stuff."

"We can just wash each other's faces," I said. Though really, it's clean enough.

Dash looked slightly suspicious but relaxed when we carefully scrubbed each other's face.

I feel like I am twelve and someone's sister.

But Twilight basically skipped childhood. I can't help but want to indulge her a little when she wants to do this.

I could have had BEAUTIFUL ELF WOMEN doing this to me if not for you, Dash. But you were just trying to help me.

Dammit.

"We should shave your stubble," Twilight said.

Twilight, holding a knife next to my throat, and if she... and she... No, don't be afraid, she doesn't know, can't show fear...

"Okay, we'll leave it. You'll look good with a beard," Dash said quickly.

Damn my poor self-control.

"No, I trust you two to shave me," I said. "I didn't even realize I have stubble." It being hard to shave in a SWAMP.

Dash lathered me up and Twilight said, "Don't worry, Mother always helped Father shave and she taught me how to do this so one day... I could do it for... friends." Her voice choked up a moment.

"Did you ever... with Erik?" Dash asked, then put a hoof over her mouth.

"No, he always shaved in his chambers," Twilight said. "I mean, I would have, but he never asked and always kept his face carefully shaven and in general, he was well groomed, except the times he woke up on my floor or in the library."

She breathed in and out and began to shave me as I tried to avoid total panic, remaining very still. Dash put a hoof on my shoulder. I was sitting on the floor, by the way.

"Don't worry," Twilight said. "This is going to be fine." She was sweating, however, as the blade moved slowly along my face. Once it left contact, her control was better and she easily cleaned it off.

We all started when a maid said, "I can do that, senorita." We hadn't even noticed her enter in her black uniform; she was Belcadizian.

"No, no, I can do it," Twilight said. "I have to... I need to be able to do this." Her voice was tight and urgent.

The maid looked at me nervously; I was too paralyzed with fear to move. Finally, I tried to blink at her 'HELP ME'.

Dash cleared her throat. "If she... I mean..."

"It's fine," my traitor mouth said. "Her mother taught her how to do this," I told the maid, who looked dubious.

Had she... I guess her job is to be ready to serve. But I will have to remember that. I'd forgotten what it's like. The help ALWAYS knows more than you think.

"Rarity," Dash began.

"I can do this," Twilight said, determined, then began shaving me again. She nicked me once and looked mortified and the maid quickly applied a little cloth and held it until I stopped bleeding. "I... Marcus..."

"Go on," I said. "Make your mother proud."

My mother would probably beat me to death with a chair. I think. I haven't seen my parents in a very long time. Twilight probably should have seen her parents more than she does, but I know they're important to her.

Twilight's stance shifted a little, and now she shaved me with determination more than fear, which made things go smoother. When she was done, the maid cleaned my face. "Very smoothly done," she said to Twilight. "I will clean this for you," she said, taking the razor.

"Thank you," Twilight said warmly to her.

The maid smiled and left.

"Better," I said. "Thank you, Twilight."

She beamed brightly.

"Okay, now... I think ghost stories are next. Or is it brandy?"

"How about brandy AND ghost stories?" I said. "But not much brandy." NEVER getting drunk around Twilight again.

************

"And so he crept through Prince Brannart's tower," I said to Dash and Twilight, who were leaning forward, eyes wide, as we sat in the near-dark with only a small flame in the palm of my hand for light. "He could see an unholy blue light shining from under a door. Curiosity, greed, fear, all warred within him. It could be... it WAS powerful magic, but powerful magic can be DANGEROUS."

"The Second Precept," Twilight said breathlessly. "Use too much magic at once and you will destroy yourself."

My magical education was too informal to have any precepts beyond 'magic is useful.'

"Did he open it?" Dash squeaked out.

Of course, I did. FOOLISHLY.

"His curiosity drove him on. He had to know what laid beyond, what secrets of magic he might find beyond the door, so he studied it carefully; it was slightly ajar, and so he cracked it open," I said, gesturing as if opening a door and peeking through it.

Twilight said, "Was it tomes? I bet there were tomes." Her voice was excited and nervous at once.

"CURSED tomes," Dash said spookily. Twilight shivered.

"The lab was well appointed with a long array of beakers, vials, flasks, tubes, coils, oil lamps and candles, as well as every sort of chemical one might need, and powdered gemstones and rare metals and rare earths, finely ground. But at the heart of the lab table was a finely cut sphere of bluish-gray crystal, set with many facets on a golden stand; it sparkled, casting the eerie blue light. Near it, an aged tome, bound in leather with gold clasps, sat open, words of power on every page."

"Hah! Yes! Books!" Twilight said triumphantly.

"Does it turn him into a chimera?" Dash asked, shivering. "And then his heads turn on each other and he dies?"

...

That's actually better than my ending.

"He began to creep forward, but then a figure came out of the shadows," I said, rising up so I towered over them. The flame in my hand cast unnatural shadows up my face and they shivered. I now made my voice vibrate with a little magic. "He wore a finely made light blue tunic of cloth of gold, wrapped around him, with a belt of deep blue, and around his waist and down to his knees he wore a traditional red and black checkered kilt, and at his hip, a long blade of the Klantyre style."

"A what?" Dash asked.

"A skirt for men," I told her, though it weakened the build up.

"His skin was withered and dry like paper, his hands almost like claws as they clutched the vials in his hands, one with blue, the other with red powder. But his head... though he bore a regal golden crown set with opals and rubies, his eyes shone with the same unholy light as the gem, blazing like blue-litten flame in dark grottoes, and his skin was stretched so tight over his skull as to show it clear as day and his teeth were yellow and black. It was Prince Brannart McGregor, THE LICH OF KLANTYRE!"

They both howled and jumped into the corner, clutching each other, shivering, as I closed in on them relentlessly, making my eyes glow blue. "He opened his mouth with a feral grin and his voice was like dust."

"What did he say?" Dash said frantically.

"Would you like some candy?" I said, holding out my hand with two peppermints.

Dash hit me with a pillow and we segued into the pillow fight.

*************

"I wasn't scared, you know," Dash said, trying to look tough.

I was. Brannart scared me shitless. Enough that he just made me run naked through the streets and hocked my possessions instead of killing me. While I heard him LAUGHING the whole time.

Never taking a job in Klantyre again.

Twilight yawned. "We should sleep. We have a long day tomorrow."

"I want to sleep on the air mattress," Dash said.

"I was going to take it," I said.

"Please?" she asked. "I am REALLY curious if it's as nice as my clouds back home."

Sleeping in the same bed as Twilight seems... well, it's not nice to sleep in the same bed as someone you are lying about your identity to them.

But Dash... made these 'PLEASE' eyes at me.

"Okay," I said. Since I have no reason I can actually EXPLAIN for why I should sleep on the floor. Or in another room. Or possibly another continent. I hear Skothar is nice this time of year.

"You don't mind, right?" Twilight said. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"I'm fine," I said. "It would be silly if you could shave me but not sleep near me."

She relaxed. "There's a lot worse than quicksand if you panic on this ship." She got on the bed on the far side by the wall.

I winced. "I know."

"Yeah, I think he'd have the Element of Fear if we had another one," Dash said, then looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry, that came out bad."

"I have had a scary life of facing monsters, seeing people die and sometimes thinking I would die," I said.

Dash stretched out on the 'air mattress'. "Okay, this is TOTALLY sweet." She paused. "Uh..."

"That's right, you have seen people die," Twilight said softly. "I hope..."

"I do worry about you all dying," I confessed. They're skilled fighters and Rarity... she and Twilight were *very* effective. But in some ways, they're still so innocent. "I've seen a lot of death. But I can't seem to ever settle down successfully. Something always goes wrong."

"Well, I'm confident this will go well," Twilight said as I now got into bed, under the sheets. "This is a nice soft bed," she mumbled, her voice going groggy.

Distantly, I heard Pinkie shout something about a naked pony party.

Twilight's eyes widened. "What on Mystara?"

"Let them riot, we need our sleep," I said.

"So is Ivan... an Earth Human?" Dash asked.

"We have different divisions but he would likely be one if he was polymorphed into a pony," I said. "I would be a Unicorn and..." Can't mention Helga. "I met flying humans in Floating Ar, in Alphatia."

I ended up telling them about Floating Ar until we all fell asleep. Or they did. I laid there, worrying somehow my tattoo would start shining with a blue, unholy light, revealing me.

Eventually, sleep took me. I dreamed about everyone setting me on fire and hurling me off the boat. Delightful.

***********

Dash got up early and went out to cavort with the Wonderbolts, I think. Or at least, when I eventually woke up, she was gone, but her bed HAD been slept in. Twilight was still clonked out, mumbling about ten more minutes.

I left her to her sleep and rose, doing some stretching. That had been a very comfy bed but I often contort myself into weird shapes.

Twilight now said something totally incoherent.

"What?" I said.

She floated a glass of water over, then drank from it and sat up and stretched. "So much nicer than sleeping on the ground," she said. "Or worse, my floor."

"Doesn't Spike usually ensure you don't stay on the floor?"

"Yes, but usually that's because he wakes up before me and puts me in bed." She flopped over, then made herself sit up "I... Spike..." She frowned, then sighed and fumbled her way out of bed, stretching as well. "I, look, Spike kind of...

"NO," Pinkie said, suddenly rolling out from under the bed.

HAS SHE BEEN THERE ALL NIGHT?

Twilight jumped. "But..."

"No, no, no," Pinkie said, now rising. "See you all at breakfast!" She trotted out of the room.

Twilight sighed. "Okay, then."

I don't get it.

"Let's go get some breakfast."

"I need to change into something other than pajamas," I told her. "You go ahead," I continued. "Thank you for the sleepover." Always thank people for everything, even if you didn't want it. Not that I...

I enjoy spending time with Twilight and some parts of it were fun. But every moment I spend with her is a moment where my secrets may come out and I may be buried in an unmarked grave.

"Oh yes, I don't want to violate your privacy," she said. "I know it's important to you." She stumbled towards the door. "You're braver than you think, you know," she said softly. "Don't be afraid. We'll back you to the end. Like Rarity did."

"I am VERY grateful to her, but I don't... I am rather poor at the moment, and it's hard for me to repay her," I told Twilight. "And you helped me too. I could see you feeding her information."

"It was very cool," Twilight said, sounding proud of herself. Then she frowned. "Glantri is really unfair to non-spellcasters."

"I know," I told her. "It's just... well, you know how it is for people who like books, like to study. People think you're weird, make fun of you, beat you up." I sighed. "And you know magic and the temptation to abuse it."

"I know," Twilight said. "It's hard to know when I should use my powers and when not. When people will like it and when they'll.. think I'm all snobby and full of myself and showing off too much." She studied the space under the bed; I glanced, but I didn't see anything there, not even dust.

"You should write a letter to Celestia. I'm sure she has that problem too. And she knows what Glantrians are like."

"I should," she said, smiling. "I would have sent one but Spike was helping Rarity." She frowned a moment, then sighed. "Anyway, thanks for listening to me talk."

"I've had the same problem, so I understand," I told her. "We can talk about it later."

She nodded and smiled and ran off.

I got changed. It is a huge problem. Too many people get jealous when others are different or better, but mock anyone who isn't the same as them or up to their level.

But what can we do about it?

I got changed and went out to have breakfast.

************

Twilight kept looking at Rarity, looking nervous, but Rarity, though utterly groggy, seemed in good spirits. So was Spike and Fluttershy. I decided not to pry for fear that Pinkie would somehow rise out of my waffle and stop me. Belcadizian waffles with honey and syrup, VERY good, by the way.

Don Diego pressed a clean set of armor and underwear on me; I was very grateful, though surprised. But the real gift...

Rarity now gave me an archer's cap, made of red felt with a green ribbon held in place by six emeralds. That's right, EMERALDS. A red feather was tucked into the ribbon. It was beautiful. "Rarity, that's wonderful," I said, putting it on my head. "Now I feel bad I have nothing to offer you."

"It's fine," she said. "I know how much you love hats."

She'd donned a stylish white and black hat herself, though I suspect the swamp will soon add green and brown to it.

"I will get you something nice once I am in a position to do so," I told her. I touched my hat and got that wonderful feeling. HAT.

I felt nerves de-tangling already.

"I can face the world!," I said proudly.

"But how will the world face you?" Rarity said, smiling.

How indeed. Nothing can stop a well-dressed man.

Short Story 3: Lyra Heartstrings of Vanya

“Keratin,” Frau Gertrud said, tapping her fingernails and then my claws, “conducts magical energies. This is why Ponies can do magic through their hooves or horns or wings, why humans do hand gestures and why spells adapted for five fingers must change for dragons or griffons or other sentients,” she said. “If you tried to do spells adapted for a human, the result would be unpredictable at best.”

But I couldn’t even make spells adapted for Spikey work. But he was hatched differently… Dammit. “Hey, that’s what my scales are made of, right?”

“Oh yes, it’s among the reasons Dragons are so powerful; as you age, you will channel more and more magic into your scales all the time, making you harder and harder to hurt.” Her voice was getting a little excited as she spoke, which was strange. She gently ran a finger along my crest, then pulled her hand back. “I’m sorry, that was rude.”

“It’s okay,” I said, shivering a little. It had felt almost like a current of power, while she touched my crest.

“Hmm, something odd about the flow of power there,” she said. “May I?”

“Okay,” I said, dreading the answer. “Hmm, ponies have hair all over their bodies too… I guess humans do too but it’s less obvious.”

“Hair is too diffuse. The energy dissipates. Unlike a scale or a fingernail or a claw or a horn,” she said. She now studied me with a glowing circle in front of her eye. I shuffled nervously on my feet. “Have you been exposed to chaos magic?” she asked.

“At my hatching,” I said, feeling as if I might suddenly burst into flame at any time.

“Interesting.” She shook her head. “I must focus. Before they do something terrible to my husband or my son.”

“Or your mother in law,” I said hesitantly.

She snorted, then turned back to studying the portal stone. “Please bring me some wine.”

That I could handle.

**************

Bon-Bon’s Tale:

I’ve never worn armor before; Herr Graustein got me actual enchanted chainmail armor from the armory; it had spells that made it as light as my dress. I’d be more comfortable in pony form but I can ride the golem more easily as a human, though it’s harder to use my abilities that way. I also brewed up some more of my special candies, which he assisted me with. Now I understand why my family saved some of these crazy flavors.

Lyra got them to make her this humongous stone sword out of the remains of that dead golem. Then she discovered she couldn’t actually pick it up because it resists her magic. So they had to lock a gauntlet onto it and she lifts the gauntlet with magic, which lets her swing the sword.

She is so excited and I am scared out of my mind. “Armor!” she said excitedly. “MAGIC armor!” She pranced about as if it was some kind of expensive dress to show off. She did something and it shimmered, making her hard to see. “Oh yeah!”

“Lyra, this is going to be dangerous,” I said urgently. “It’s not one of your books where you can just read it and never get hurt.”

“We’ll be fine,” she told me.

I wish I could be so sure.

War.

Me in a war.

This makes the time Berry and I woke up on top of a train headed for Dagwood, North Dacoata look sensible.

But I can’t let Lyra and Spike go alone and I want to be a good guest. You shouldn’t leave your hostess in the lurch when she needs you.

I am so nervous, I don’t have words for it. I gave Lyra an assortment of candies and Spike as well, then explained them. I’d color coded the wrappings and prayed they would remember but they were both busy being excited about going into battle.

I can’t understand that.

But I will do my part to help out.

**************

Lyra’s Lyric:

I offered to carry Bon-Bon into battle, but Spike was going to ride me instead, since Bon-Bon has to stay human and ride the golem. Man, a giant war golem at your command. That’s cool incarnate, but she seems kind of cranky she has to even do it.

I would totally love to do that but I can’t. Hmm, I wonder if Bon-Bon could control a golem made of nullstone…

A lot of the convention guests fled; that seems kind of rude to me, but I guess a lot of them weren’t armed with combat magic and their spellbooks are at home. Or maybe they just don’t have any manners. Our warparty looked like it was going to be myself, Spike, Gertrud, Rolf, his golems, Bon-Bon, Jaggar’s sister Brunhilde, Franz (the wizard in the lion skin) and his bodyguard Gilda. Gilda eyed me like I had eaten her eggs or something. Franz had enlarged her and rode on her; Brunhilde turned into a white dragon and Rolf rode her, while Bon-Bon rode her stone golem and Spike rode me. Gertrud summoned an air elemental and rode on it, appearing to ride a mini-tornado. She cast a spell and the stone reformed and then the Dragon Line formed and we plunged into it; the stone stayed behind with Herr Sigisimund, who had to stay to avoid risking losing the entire family in one day.

We landed in a temple; I recognized it from the huge statue of a six-limbed Thri-Kreen warrior standing over a fallen foe. Pak-cha is an Immortal of the sphere of Time, who leads the Thri-Kreen in war against their foes and enslaves their enemies. He’s important to their survival in the harsh desert environment of Vanya. Ever since the doom gates opened at the poles, the world has been overheated and dried up; water flows only in oases and the grand canals and along their shores. It’s a dangerous place.

The temple was heavily damaged and smashed up and they’d somehow chained up Dragon-Jaggar with null-stone and were using him to haul stones; you could see Frau Hildegard and Roderick in shackles of the null-stone, doing the same work.

“The chains neutralize magic,” I said. “But I can cut them with this sword!” Bon-Bon, Rolf, Franz (the lion skin mage), and Gilda lead the golem charge, pinning down the main body of warriors in the temple, while Brunhild took on the priests in a duel of dragon against cleric, scattering them with arctic blasts of cold.

And I circled around the fight with Spike, charging in to hack Jaggar free, but he pointed at his mother and Roderick, to my surprise; they can’t do half as much as he can, but… but it’s his mother and his son.

I nodded and Dragon-Jaggar began thrashing, keeping his keepers busy, while I hacked loose Frau Hildegard and Roderick, Spike driving back their guards with bursts of flame.

Then Frau Hildegard gave a cry of anger like a lion on fire and gestures, runes appearing around her hands, and four of the support pillars for the roof formed into huge angry earth elementals.

…

“When I get back, I am burning Baron Du Marais’ estate to the ground for lying to me about how that thing worked!” she shouted; I felt my stomach curdle. “The way he laughed at me when the thing opened the portal and then he teleported away… HE WILL REGRET THAT!”

“Roderick!” I said and threw him my normal sword. He now began fending off Thri-Kreen charging us as the temple began to fall apart around us. In fact, his blows sent Thri-Kreen flying; he’s stronger than I realized.

Spike frowned and scratched his head, looking confused about something.

I could see Bon-Bon on the golem she’d named Stoney, going toe to toe with the Pak-cha statue, which had come to life. But it was driving her back; it was even stronger than the one they’d sent through to the estate.

While Frau Hildegard began scattering our foes in the larger fray, she didn’t seem to even notice the danger to her right here and right now. Spike had to guard me while I hacked Jaggar free.

“RETREAT!” Dragon-Jaggar shouted.

“I am not leaving until I destroy them all!” Hildegard shouted, gesturing at her golems, which began smashing the other pillars; the whole temple ceiling is going to fall on us at this rate; the part her golems had held up now came crashing down and bright sunlight shone brightly into the temple, making it hotter.

That’s when a giant sand-worm came through the wall, trying to swallow Dragon-Jaggar, but he was too big for it; now they thrashed and wrestled around; another pillar fell and part of the ceiling collapsed, taking out the Thri-Kreen riding on it. So now it went TOTALLY berserk.

Roderick was knocking Thri-Kreen about, but there was only one of him and more closed in on him and Hildegard, who only cared about destroying EVERYTHING. Rolf got clocked and went flying and his golems now ringed him for defense while he laid stunned on the ground.

Brunhilde had flown up through the hole in the roof and was busy fighting some kind of giant winged bat creature… bat creature? I don’t remember any bat-creatures in the books. Gertrud and her elementals were now fighting the priests, while the warriors came at the golems around Rolf.

Pak-Cha struck Stoney in the chest and he broke into pieces and Bon-Bon went tumbling and laid there, stunned. For a few seconds, I could only stare in absolute horror. She didn’t even want to be involved in all this and now she’s hurt.

I felt utterly sick to my stomach. Bon-Bon! I tried to charge over, but a half-dozen warriors cut me off and drove me back as I desperately fended them off and Spike spat flame at them. And now Frau Hildegard had been grabbed by some of the Thri-Kreen too, while Roderick was pinned down fighting three others. I didn’t know what to do! BON-BON!!!!!

****************

Spike’s Saga:

Only one choice. “AZKABIBBLE BOBBETY BOO!” I shouted, gesturing wildly and praying for something useful to happen. I hadn’t planned to mess up the words, it just happened.

A huge wall of sound hit both our foes and ourselves; we went tumbling across the temple but so did the warriors in front of us.

I couldn’t hear; Lyra said something to me, trying to get up but I couldn’t hear her. Then I had an idea; I made a gesture like a person cracking a whip, then I grabbed the yellow candy and turned into a huge snake like Slither.

Lyra somehow got this right and let me lash onto her, then extended the front of me to the rafters with her magic; I lashed onto it and we swung OVER our foes to land by Bon-Bon; the good news was that the statue had moved on to attacking Gertrud and her elementals; the bad news was that two mantis-men had grabbed Bon-Bon and were carrying her to the altar.

I know what happens on altars. We charged after them, snake-whipping over another wall of foes, but now they had a priest trying to figure out how to get her armor off to sacrifice her; she was tied down and now EVEN MORE Mantis-men came at us. How many of these things are here, anyway???

But I had a plan; Bon-Bon was stirring, trying to get free. So I reached into the bag she gave Lyra, pulled the lemon candy and hurled it into her mouth.

Then I ate one of the red-hots and drove back our foes with SUPER FIRE.

And that’s when Bon-Bon turned into a bronze dragon and broke the altar under her weight.

******************

Bon-Bon’s Berserkergang:

You really can’t imagine the power of a dragon until you become one; I could feel the power in the ground, in the air, in the sunlight, flowing into me and I laughed, scattering the priests with a swipe of the tail. Then I took to the air, seizing a candy with my tail and popping it into my mouth. The warriors looked quite confused when I breathed fire at them. That’s a red-hot for you!

I took out another pillar, trapping more of our foes below rubble, then bomb-dived warriors trying to pull down Gertrud, who leaped onto my back and directed her elementals from there. I just started smashing everything, determined to punish them all for attacking us, for tying me to an altar, for RUINING my presentation!!!

I was busy popping candy and smashing things when Gertrud said to me, “I think we’ve won.”

But that wasn’t enough, I had to level this whole damn place so they never attack us again!

There was a whole city here, I could see now. This was going to take a while.

Jaggar had turned back to human form for some reason. He was shouting something but I couldn’t hear him.

“We need to retreat,” Gertrud said to me; she’d clambered up my neck to whisper in my ear.

“They tried to sacrifice me!” I said angrily.

“We can’t fight a whole city; we have to go now while we still can,” she said urgently. “You should turn back.”

“I can’t change unless I eat another one,” I told her. “And I can take them,” I said confidently. “I’m a dragon.”

“I’ve been a dragon,” she whispered to me. “You feel so powerful, like you can do anything. But even dragons have their limits, as many evil ones have found at my husband’s hands. Look down.”

I could see Lyra; she looked utterly mortified and was trying to shout to me, with Spike shouting too; but there was so much noise, I couldn’t hear them.

A dragon, I thought. And her husband too.

My brain put two and two together and got four.

Now I really understood. I landed and Gertrud hopped off me, landing by her son, who was breathing hard and watching more warriors pour in.

“There’s thousands of them,” Gilda said to Prince Jaggar. “You can stay but it’s my duty to get Herr Franz out of here.”

“I will cover the retreat,” I said. “Lyra, I need a vanilla snowflake.”

“Bon-Bon, I’m so sorry, I didn’t think…” She looked very shaken up. “You could have died and it would all be my fault,” she said miserably.

“I’m just an ordinary pony,” I said softly to her. “But you make me extraordinary. It’s okay, I’m not mad at you.” I chose to get into this.

Then she flung me the vanilla snowflake. I make these for the weather ponies normally; but it will do.

Lyra passed the portal stone to me. “It will close up behind you as you go.”

I nodded and tucked it into my saddlebags, which now clung to one leg.

They fled down the tunnel and I stood, ready for the onrushing horde. Then I showed them something they’d never seen. I could feel the coldness inside me from the candy and I let it out, powerful dragon lungs expelling cold that froze everything in its path, turning moisture inside me into snow that covered everything in white.

And when they all fell down or retreated in confusion, I fled down the tunnel.

You know, they’ve probably never even seen snow before.

**************

Lyra’s Lyric:

We were all gathered in the gardens; Jagger had used his magic to dispel the polymorph candy, so Bon-Bon and Spike were back to normal.

The portal stone had a rune on it which I recognized from the books. “This is the rune of Tch-Tchi’ka. He’s a trickster immortal of fire and deceit and turning your enemies against each other,” I said. “The whole plot of _Master Mind of Vanya_ revolves around his followers trying to trick three city-states to fight each other so the Thri-Kreen who follow him will then conquer them all.”

“Isn’t that fiction?” Bon-Bon asked, frowning.

“Fiction based on a real place as we just saw!,” I protested. “Anyway, we studied the planets at Celestia’s School for Talented Unicorns and I learned enough to know that Edmund Wheatfurrows is a very accurate author!” He claims that Tom Wagonmaker is real and sends these accounts to him, which he rewrites. I don’t know if that’s true, though I hope it is. But I am a Bard, and I have to know these things!

“It could be a double-bluff,” Gilda said. “Intended to make you hunt down the followers of Tch-Tchi’ka, while the real guilty party laughs at having suckered you.” She scratched the dirt with a claw, forming a crude image of a rearing horse ridden by an archer. “Look, the Krondaharians did it!”

“Given time, I can study it and try to determine exactly how this thing got here and how it was activated; I may be able to read its timeline or perhaps consult an astral sage,” Jaggar said.

“Doesn’t Contact Other Plane sometimes get lies?” I asked, a little worried.

“No divination is perfect,” Jaggar said. “Mother, what exactly were you and Roderick doing here when the stone activated?”

“I know who did this,” Hildegard said angrily. “Baron Malachie du Marais! He gave me the stone and showed us what to do and then he left us to die!”

“He can’t have,” Spike said. “I was following him after the first session and he went to rob Jaggar’s library! He couldn’t have been giving you the stone during that.”

“You took a magical artifact and blindly activated it without divining it first to be sure it was safe,” Jaggar said flatly, moustache twitching.

“He demonstrated it on one of the servants! Her kind can’t use magic either,” Hildegard said flatly. “But she can now, so I suppose she’ll want to move out now.” The last sentence came with a sense of growing surprise. Then she frowned. “But she’s probably a con-woman and it was all some trick!”

Bon-Bon pursed her lips and made a noise and I glanced at her, but she didn’t say anything.

Jagger muttered a few words and sent a tiny dragon flying off into the castle and then looked around the gardens. “Tell me exactly what happened, Mother.”

******************

Dowager-Princess Hildegard’s Entirely Accurate and Honest Account Which Proves She Is Innocent of All But Malice Against Gertrud, Who Has It Coming:

Malachie du Marais, Baron de Morlay, is a very charming man when he chooses to be. He approached me about the problem and demonstrated in my quarters on one of the servants that this artifact my son is holding could give magical ability to someone who could not possibly have it.

How, you ask? She was an Earth Pony, and as all know, they cannot use magic.

**************

Bon-Bon’s Rebuttal:

“I most certainly use magic and have been certified an Arcaner by your own government,” I said, flashing my temporary magic license. “I believe you’ve seen examples of my arts today. Because we had to rescue *you*.”

Spike laughed very loudly; Gilda glared at him and he caved in on himself as he continued to ride Lyra.

“Fine. But you don’t cast actual *spells* like we do,” Frau Hildegard said angrily. “Out of a book, not a wand, before you challenge me again. I know an Earth Pony can use a wand if a real wizard charges it up for them.”

“Applebloom *made* a wand and a giant flying treehouse. I make magical candy. Pinkie makes magical desserts. I *am* a real wizard,” I said angrily, flashing my license. “As recognized by your own government.”

I was not sure why Lyra was smiling so much at me but… why am I complaining? It was nice to have her support.

“Applebloom made a wand?” Lyra said, amazed.

“Yeah, but she’s studying under Keraptis, even calls him ‘Uncle K’,” Spike said.

Jagger’s moustache vibrated and half the people present twitched, tugged their hair, or rubbed their forehead.

“I could take him,” Gilda said confidently.

“I am not sure if anyone here but Prince Jaggar could take him,” her boss, Herr Franz, said. “Perhaps if we all rushed him at once, somehow luring him out of the mountain…” He clearly was planning this inside his head.

I see why he hired Gilda.

“Look, Father,” Roderick suddenly said. “Grandmother and the Baron or whoever it was brought me out here with that stone and he told me to say ‘Asharak Gorkaras Minyanastho’ while standing by it and the portal opened and people charged out and grabbed us.” He sighed and stared at the ground. “I just wanted to be like everyone else in the family and not the freak. I should have thought things through but we were stupid and listened to him. I just wanted to be normal,” he said weakly.

“You’re not a freak,” I told him firmly. “There’s more than one way to be a wizard. And I think I understand why you can’t use spellbook magic. But I think first we had better find that servant and see what was going on. Assuming she wasn’t a unicorn in disguise who has teleported to Darokin by now or something.”

“Yes,” Jaggar said. “My friends, thank you for your support. You can come with us, but anyone who wishes a rest, they can go to their quarters while I investigate this.”

“I had best get my golems taken care of. Lady Bon-Bon, can you come by my lab later? We should talk,” Herr Rolf said to her.

“Of course,” I told him and then we all headed into the castle.

*************

Spike’s Saga:

The investigation posse turned out to be me, Prince Jaggar, his mother and his wife, Roderick, Bon-Bon, and Lyra. Everyone else went to handle the clean up, rest, etc.

The maid in question turned out to be named Shimmer Shine; she was an Earth pony with a Cutie Mark of a really clean window. However, she was oddly translucent, like she was made out of glass; her coat was a sparkling blue and her mane a vibrant green. It was styled in this kind of weird way, like I saw in some book of Twilight’s a while back, all piled up and pinned in place; she had a Von Drachenfels badge pinned to one of her black boots, which went up to her knees; all the servants wore high boots, but she was otherwise unclad, except for a bandage around her chest and another over her right eye socket.

“She was injured in the fighting, sir,” a cat-headed human… maybe he was a Rakasta… said. He was dressed like a doctor, white coat and all. He idly licked his hands to get blood off them and I made a face.

“I have healing saliva,” he said curtly to me.

…

“Prince Jaggar, I am sorry,” Shimmer Shine said, tears in her eyes. “I didn’t realize… I don’t understand… it worked for me.”

“Holy… you’re a Crystal Pony! I thought they were extinct!” Lyra said.

“I just thought I must have enchanted myself,” she mumbled. “I’m a normal pony from Dream Valley.”

“She turned that way when she used the artifact,” Frau Hildegard said curtly.

Frau Gertrud frowned at Frau Hildegard, but said nothing.

“What’s a Crystal Pony?” Bon-Bon asked curiously.

“The Crystal Ponies were Earth Ponies who were transformed when Glantri got blown up way back and they fled to the Adri Varma Plateau instead of fleeing south to modern Equestria or east to Ethengar or the Northern Reaches,” Lyra said. She concentrated and an Earth Pony village appeared; purple glowing ash rained down on the village; many died and the survivors became creatures made of crystal and fled because the land could not be tilled.

The image flickered and the Crystal Ponies crafted a beautiful city of crystal, formed like a pentagon with a star inside it; there were palaces at each corner and in the center. “They dwelt there for a very long time. But when Nightmare Moon eclipsed the Sun back in 1 AC, General Sombra, the head of their armies, betrayed them and led an army of Hydrax to conquer the city.” The image changed and you could see Sombra, a shadow in the shape of a pony with red eyes and dark blue armor set with opals. Unlike the earlier images, he was weirdly two-dimensional and flat. He led a horde of monsters and Shadow Ponies into the city.

“Sorry, that’s the only surviving picture; it’s from a book,” Lyra said apologetically. “The princess fled to the Silver Palace and it vanished before Sombra could storm it. Then the city itself vanished when the eclipse ended. A few Crystal Ponies escaped this but everyone thought they had died out,” Lyra said, continuing to stare at Shimmer Shine in amazement. As she said this, you could see the city and then one of the palaces, made of silver and crystal vanished. When it vanished, the rest of the city started to fade, and then the sun came out and it evaporated entirely.

Lyra finished by saying, “They had all sorts of strange magics, and it’s said that during her rule of the Empire, the Princess would become an Alicorn.”

“That’s impossible,” Bon-Bon said, frowning. “Alicorns are divine; you can’t turn into one just by being crowned.”

“Well, Sombra planned to crown himself and become an Alicorn and then it all went poof, so maybe you could but the Immortals shut down whatever did it,” Lyra said hesitantly. “But I totally had to answer a test question on this.”

Jaggar now cast detect magic; I know because it’s one of the spells I messed up. He cast another spell and a spellbook appeared, which he made float in the air by her. “Cast this spell,” he told her.

“Okay, this becomes that and that thing is this, so this goes this way…” she said. I could feel my scales tingling.

“What are you doing?” Jaggar said. “There’s a lot of magic around your hooves but it’s very emphemeral.”

“I don’t have any fingers, so I have to convert it to hooves and I’m not very experienced, sir,” Shimmer Shine said nervously. “Okay, here we go.” She kneeled on her haunches and waved her hooves in the air and chanted and now a tiny dragon appeared like the one Jaggar had summoned earlier; it circled her head and she whispered to it. It flew over to Jaggar and whispered to him, then vanished.

Roderick sighed and Bon-Bon whispered to him and his eyes widened.

“Lady Lyra, if you will cast a spell?” Jaggar said thoughtfully.

I wanted so much to help but I would probably break Shimmer Shine or turn her into a duck.

The cat licked his hands again, making me nervous.

Lyra began to sing and play her harp and now roses rained down from the sky, though they soon vanished.

“Your forehooves have been altered to resemble the functioning of Lady Lyra’s horn,” Jaggar said, frowning. “It would take tremendous power to do that and make it permanent. Your very nature has changed.”

Gertrud, Hildegard, Roderick, and Lyra all shivered in unison, then looked at each other.

“That’s big, I take it,” I said.

“The Crystal Ponies could work gemstone and rock and crystal magic through their hooves even more potently than a normal Earth Pony but were weak with green and growing things,” Lyra said. “Only the Princess, who had the powers of every kind of pony, could cast book magic… spell magic… at all. Though if the legends are true, Sombra somehow gained the powers of a Shadow Pony with the help of Thanatos.”

“Who?” Bon-Bon asked.

“The head of the Sphere of Entropy, one of the few Immortals to walk alive out of the Immortal Storm at the end of the Godswar that killed off most of the previous ‘generation’ of Immortals,” Lyra said. “The Karameikans believe he’s one of the Five Fiends of the Five Hells.”

“Your Cutie Mark is related to window cleaning, right?” Frau Gertrud asked, suddenly changing the subject.

Lyra blinked, looking confused. “It’s music.”

“I meant Shimmer Shine,” Frau Gertrud said.

“Oh yes, I clean glass easily and perfectly,” Shimmer Shine said more cheerfully. She turned and picked up her saddlebags, which hung over one of the ends of the bed she’d been on when we arrived. She flicked out a bottle and a sponge, sprayed the window with the bottle held in her tail and then put it away and did a single wipe with the sponge and the whole window was clean.

“So that is still the same,” Frau Gertrud said thoughtfully.

Further tests showed, however, that she had lost the physical strength of an Earth Pony and the agility as well, unless she was cleaning, though she could still feel the ground as Bon-Bon did. In fact…

“Prince Jaggar, there’s some sort of strange field in the stone,” she said urgently.

“You felt it too? I asked one of the Glantrian ponies and they didn’t notice anything,” Bon-Bon said hesitantly.

“It’s probably the enchantments on the castle,” Prince Jaggar said. “This place was heavily shaped by spell magic, Earth Ponies, elementals and many other things.”

Frau Hildegard frowned. “Hold on.” She kneeled down, placing her hands on the stone and chanting softly. Some of the stone formed into a little man who said, “Hello, Princess.”

“Has anything happened to change you recently?”

“I suffered some damage this morning but otherwise, all is normal,” he said.

She patted his head and he melded back into the floor. “You must be feeling the magics, but…”

They called in the castle’s mason and his entire staff, which included an Earth pony. “Glantri has so much magic, it can confuse visitors,” Hard Hat said. “I went to Equestria once and it all felt really weird. I guess every country has its own kind of flavor of magic down in the Earth.”

“We are on a tangent, anyway,” Jaggar said, sending the masons back to their work. “I know nothing of the Crystal Ponies, so it may be that he somehow turned you into one, which could mean anything. Given it did not turn Roderick into a Crystal Pony, however, I assume that whoever impersonated the Baron actually used some other means of magic to transform Shimmer Shine and they are responsible for the artifact, whatever immortal they may serve.”

“Why turn her into a Crystal Pony and not a Unicorn if you have that kind of power?” I asked. “Also, didn’t you see her change? I’d worry about turning to crystal myself.”

“Her spell worked. I just thought this was some sort of Pony thing,” Hildegard said, waving vaguely. “Also, she didn’t turn that way instantly, it kind of crept up on her and by that time it was too late.”

“I thought I’d done something wrong but I also got it to work,” Shimmer Shine said weakly.

“And I was desperate,” Roderick sighed, face in his hands.

“So, we’re more or less stuck at this point, unless we can track the fake Baron,” I said.

“Gertrud and I will go to my library and see what we can figure out; you should all rest. Mother, never, ever try something like that again,” Jaggar said firmly. “Roderick, I understand your desperation but you have to be more careful.” He sighed. “You can at least use some items for self-defense. You were suckered by a cunning enemy, but remember, people got hurt over this.”

Roderick now looked like he just wanted to die and I felt terrible for him. I know I’ve done some stupid things, trying to prove myself.

“Prince Jaggar, I have a theory about why your son cannot use magic,” Bon-Bon said hesitantly.

“It’s because of the tainted blood of the Alphatian witch,” Hildegard grumbled; Gertrud stared coldly at her, clearly not happy to be called that and I can’t blame her.

“Mother, do not refer to my wife as tainted,” Jaggar said, moustache twitching.

“Prince Jaggar, how long has your family practiced Dragon magics?” Bon-Bon asked.

“Over a century,” he said hesitantly, studying Bon-Bon curiously.

“So generation after generation of Von Drachenfels have saturated themselves with the power of dragons,” Bon-Bon continued.

“Yes,” he said.

“And you have mastered it so greatly that you can become a dragon,” Bon-Bon went on. “As has your wife. Spike, how old can you expect to be when you learn spells?” Bon-Bon said.

“Well, we get a natural talent for it after the second Dragonsleep, around fifteen to twenty years of age,” he said. “I can produce wild magic now but I can’t get it right.”

Roderick is around fifteen or sixteen, I think.

“Roderick, pick up Lyra,” Bon-Bon said more confidently.

He did so easily. I remembered him knocking around Thri-Kreen as if they were children’s toys as he held me over his head.

“Let’s go to the lab,” Bon-Bon said. We went to Herr Rolf’s lab where he was busy repairing his golems. After saying hello to him, she coached Roderick through making one of her magical candies, then ate it and spat fire like Spike. “He couldn’t make these successfully if he couldn’t channel magic. I am not a spellcaster, but I command magic through my chemical arts. Through physical things. Frau Hildegard, who activated the portal stone?”

“Roderick did,” she said, frustrated. “Which we’ve already established.”

“Lyra, can anyone use a Portal Stone?” Bon-Bon asked.

“You have to be able to channel magic in some way,” Lyra said. “They aren’t charged items.”

“I don’t know if he’ll eventually learn formal spells, but he is a user of magic, just in different ways,” Bon-Bon said, then suddenly turned back into her pony form. “He may be able to work wonders none of us can, with the dragon magic that must have coursed through him since… maybe even since before he was born.”

Prince Jaggar teleported out and returned with a pair of rings and passed them to his son. The rings began to glow and his eyes widened. “I never even thought… Spike, try these on.”

They glowed for Spike too, and then Jaggar collected them. “It seems whenever we meet, I learn something new, Lady Bon-Bon.” He looked almost abnormally calm.

“It’s still her fault,” Frau Hildegard said petulantly.

“Mother, if you were not my mother, I would send you to the dungeons,” Prince Jaggar said calmly. “Roderick, tomorrow, you will need to come to my library; we have many things to test together.”

Roderick shook and his eyes misted and then he smiled. “Of course, father.”

I have to wonder why Jaggar never figured this out himself. It seems like a logical theory, right? I guess since this didn’t happen with their elder son, they didn’t think of it.

“We will go to study my library,” Jaggar said. The rest of you should go rest.

“I will come with you,” Hildegard insisted. “I can make the walls speak.”

Gertrud frowned but Jaggar nodded. “A good point, Mother, thank you.”

We all scattered, though Bon-Bon stayed in the lab and I went with Prince Jaggar because I was a witness. Also, I sent Celestia a letter from Jaggar about the robbery, Crystal Ponies, Shimmer Shine, and the Baron.

Hopefully, she’ll reply soon.

**************************

Bon-Bon’s Meeting:

I helped Herr Rolf work on repairing his golems for a while; it’s not my strong point but I am an Earth Pony and we have a knack for such things. They were all torn up and I felt sorry for them; it’s fortunate they can’t feel pain.

He thanked me, then said, “I am a member of a society of alchemists; you have demonstrated a great degree of skill in this art in a way previously unknown to us, so I would like to offer you membership.”

“Me? Really?” I said in surprise.

“We could use more members who have your skill and...” He laughed nervously. “Anyway, I can call a meeting if you are interested.”

We talked about the group for a while and I said yes. I could use membership in a trade organization and I’m always looking for more ideas I can use to make new candy so I don’t just rely on what Mother passed down to me.

Though I am worried about what he cut himself off on. But it won’t hurt to meet them.

****************

Lyra’s Lyric:

I ended up talking to Shimmer Shine in my quarters; I was curious about her abilities, as we only know a little about Crystal Ponies, and I wanted to tell her the rest of what I know about them, since she may now be the only one.

“How do you know how to convert spells made for hands to your hooves?” I asked her.

“I… isn’t it instinctive? I just *knew* as soon as I used the artifact… or whatever exactly happened to me,” she said.

Like the candy but with magic… Bon-Bon’s candy, you keep your normal magic but gain the *body* of your new form, so you can get stronger but a unicorn’s horn won’t give you magic.

It wasn’t the same as having a hoof somehow function AS a horn, either. For one thing…

I did a light spell, which floated in the air. “Okay, did you see how I did that?”

“No,” she said, frowning. “I can kind of feel there is magic there but I couldn’t tell what or how.”

I got Spike’s spellbook and had her try the light spell in that and she did it on the first try; she tried to explain how she knew, but it was like she was trying to explain how you tell your legs to move.

Was this a Crystal Pony thing? We only know scraps of information, really. They fell right around the time civilization was finally recovering from the fall of Blackmoor and then Nithia.

But Unicorns aren’t born understanding the use of our horn; that’s why we have Magic Kindergarden. Otherwise, we just make a mess if we try to do magic.

Someone did something really powerful and this bothers me a lot. I hope Princess Celestia can get to the bottom of this.

**********************

Spike’s Saga:

Okay, Prince Jaggar has these crystals hidden in his library that record everything that happens, so he was able to see what all the Baron looked at and confirmed my report. I bet they’re like those spheres Dash has.

Also I got to wear a crown that belonged to a dragon king 3000 years ago!

Admittedly, on me, it’s not even a belt, more like a loopty-loop. Which I am pretty good at if I say so myself.

He looked fairly disturbed by the things which the Baron had been trying to copy. “This is about the Carnifex, right?”

“Yes. No one knows where the Castle of Twilight stands which is their prison,” he said. “Beyond ‘the Pit of Banishment’.”

My eyes widened.

He blinked at me, then smiled. “No connection to Duchess Sparkle, of course.”

I gave a sigh of relief. “I’ll tell you some time about that stupid Staff of Twilight and why you shouldn’t grab the first book with a friend’s name on it for a birthday present.” But not this time, because I don’t want to remember that.

Gertrud was busy poking around, looking for something and then I remembered. “If Countess Royal Blue hasn’t left, she was trying to warn us against trusting Baron Malachie for some reason,” I told him.

“She is a friend of Dame Genevieve de Saphora, the great enemy of the Baron; they’ve been sparring ever since Castle Amber re-appeared,” Gertrud said, sighing. “The Baron is a rogue, but I did not think he would go this far. But I will go see her.” She kissed her husband’s cheek and departed.

“He’s not crazy enough to try to bust out the Carnifex, right?” I said weakly.

“He’s not powerful enough; he would die,” Jaggar said flatly. “Steal information and sell it to someone else, that he could do. But then, I thought he was not powerful enough to pierce my defenses or to somehow turn an Earth Pony into… whatever she is now. Crystal Pony with spell hooves…” He rubbed his forehead.

“If you can do that, why not make her a unicorn?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” Jaggar said, frowning. “But hopefully your mistress or Princess Celestia will know something about it.”

********************

Bon-Bon’s Greeting:

Princess Luna made a grand appearance that night after sunset with echoing music rolling across the mountains as she descended out of the sky in a chariot pulled by Bat-Pony guards. I am not sure if they’re a special kind of Pegasus or if it’s just special armor and things. A pink unicorn accompanied her; she has red, yellow, and purple streaks in her mane and tail and she wore a countess coronet and yellow hoof-guards. She had purple saddlebags with Twilight’s Cutie Mark on it… is that Twilight? But Twilight is a Duchess. The music came from the rig of a white DJ Unicorn pony crammed into the back of the chariot and from a cellist pony, Octavia.

I felt my bile rise. Why did Princess Luna bring that *waste of oxygen*?

“Her most regal highness Princess Luna has arrived,” one of the guards said in a deep voice as the chariot circled over the courtyard.

“Prince Jaggar of Glantri greets and welcomes Princess Luna. Permission to Land is given from one Prince to another,” Jaggar said formally.

“Spikey! You look so cute in your tuxedo!” the pink unicorn shouted, just before the guard or Luna could reply. “I’m going to have to hug you a lot!”

I stared, Octavia stared, Luna twitched and Prince Jaggar’s moustache twitched too. But the DJ and Lyra laughed loudly. Most of the assembled court just stared in amazement. And Spike buried his face in his hands.

“Oh Cadence, never change,” Lyra said cheerfully.

“Who is she?” I asked as the ceremony *tried* to continue.

“A very prestigious graduate from Celestia’s school; she sometimes taught classes there and I think she foalsat half the class when we were little, all the ones from Canterlot. I guess she’s Countess Cadence now,” Lyra told me quickly.

Cadence was vibrating, clearly eager to hug Spike to death; I couldn’t help but smile as Octavia stared at her in shock and the DJ smirked and Luna tried to pretend she was alone on her chariot.

The chariot finally landed and Cadence basically trampled Spike, hugging him while he flailed and squealed, though he did hug her back eventually. The greeting ceremony went on another twenty minutes, ending with everyone having a glass of wine; Lyra was kind enough to hold my glass for me.

Then most of the people went to their rooms and duties and we were taken to a meeting room with plush velvet covers on the chairs and scenes of battle between wizards and monsters on the walls. Prince Jaggar laid out the story and presented Shimmer Shine to Princess Luna.

“Octavia, play the note I taught you,” Cadence said more calmly to her. “Vinyl, you must duplicate and adjust the tone up one octave and down one octave.”

“Can I help? I am a bard,” Lyra said.

Octavia looked at me and smirked; I avoided eye contact, but I could *feel* her smirking. She thinks she’s so big.

Lyra soon was worked into this and a series of notes which made me feel strange floated through the air; Shimmer Shine glowed in various ways and looked discombobulated. Cadence circled her, now looking very serious and rather surprised. “She is a Crystal Pony,” Cadence said softly. “I am not sure what has awakened her heritage beyond very powerful magic, however.”

“Shapeshifting magic of extremely high caliber,” Princess Luna said, studying the portal key. “There are traces of it on the portal key. And I can confirm that the power of Tch-Tchi’ka was used to make this portal stone but that the shapeshifting came from some other source, which is to say, someone stole this and then rigged the spell they used to transform Shimmer Shine to it, so it would go off in place of the portal. Once it fired off, then the portal could be used normally.”

“I am so sorry,” Shimmer Shine said, looking miserable. “I failed the Prince through my desire to rise above my station.”

“There is nothing wrong with aspiring to rise to greater things,” Cadence said firmly. “We are made to lack and to seek to overcome that lack and become more than we are. You had no way to know.”

Prince Jaggar sighed. “You were injured in defense of my people and paid for your mistake in blood. I consider things settled between us. Good luck studying and qualifying for Arcaner status,” he said solemnly.

She bowed to him. “Thank you, sire.”

Hmm, I will have to see about getting my license made permanent if I join the trade association. We meet tomorrow.

“So how many people are on the short list for who could have done this?” I asked.

“I would suspect an Alphatian,” Princess Luna said. “Simply because it has a lot of very powerful wizards. I will have to do some research.”

I could feel Octavia being smug without even looking at her, but I tried to ignore it. She thinks her bow-tie somehow makes her high class.

*Bow-tie*.

“Lady Bon-Bon,” Prince Jaggar asked. “Am I correct in thinking your shifting candy does not convey magical abilities?”

“You are correct, you retain your native ones; I have Earth Pony strength in human form, for example,” I told them.

Now Octavia looked displeased, and I smiled. I am a Lady. And you can only play your instrument because of your cutie mark, so there.

“I have sent a request to Prince Etienne,” Prince Jaggar said. “Some of his vassals have a great deal of knowledge of such matters.”

There was a sudden whooshing sound and a spiraling pillar of smoke appeared and out of it stepped an old man, dressed in fancy burgundy and green robes with a pointed hat on his head covered with stars; he had a staff in one hand and something about him made my body twitch. He positively reeked of that weird feeling of ‘Glantrian magic’. “Good evening. Princess Luna, from one exile to another, it is a pleasure to see you,” he said, taking her hoof and kissing it. “I see you remain the most beautiful of the children of the night.” She smiled at that. He took his hat off and nodded his head to Prince Jaggar, then put it on. “Good evening to you, Jaggar, it’s good to see your moustache has not achieved independent life yet but is still working on it.” Said moustache twitched furiously.

“Prince Etienne, it is customary to appear at the gate or above the castle and signal for proper entrance,” Prince Jaggar said firmly.

“Now, now, we need two more Princes or Princesses so we have enough to pose for a proper card deck, Jaggar. Perhaps Dona Carnelia or Prince Volospin…” Prince Etienne said, then began studying Spike. “Hello, young fellow, it’s a pleasure to meet you, I am Prince Etienne d’Amberville, Prince of New Averoigne.”

Spike shook his hand; Prince Jaggar’s moustache twitched. Princess Luna said, “Prince Etienne, we need to confer about shapeshifters.” She explained about Shimmer Shine.

“Since this person raided a fellow Prince of Glantri, I will see about producing a list for you, though it won’t be very long,” Prince Etienne said.

I suddenly wondered how he had known to suddenly show up and frowned. Had he been scrying us?

“Do you have time to tell us about why your castle vanished and reappeared?” Lyra suddenly asked excitedly.

“I’m sorry, young lady, if I told the whole story, Jaggar might be forced to smile and that would destroy the universe, I fear,” Prince Etienne said ruefully. “I think he swore an oath.”

Jaggar sighed. “It is not relevant to the investigation and too long a tale.”

“I will send Dame Sephora your way as well; she’s skilled in counter-agents against werecreatures and a skilled alchemist. I think she was coming this way anyway,” Prince Etienne said vaguely.

Oooh, that could be useful. She must be in the Trade Association.

“Anyway, I should go before Jaggar is forced to have the ceremony of kicking out a guest who overstayed his welcome,” Prince Etienne said. “Shimmer Shine, you should think about attending the Great School for training now. I would be most interested to work with you and your unique style of magic. Everyone, have a pleasant evening!” And then he vanished in a puff of smoke.

“Great School?” I asked.

“He is the head of the Great School of Magic, equivalent to Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns,” Lyra said.

“Larger and for many sorts of magic users,” Jaggar said. “And uses his age as an excuse to bypass formalities, like being invited.” He sighed. “Luna, I will arrange quarters and show you around. Everyone, thank you for coming and rest well tonight.”

Formalities ensued; Cadence took Spike with her as she went with Luna and crew; I decided to get some sleep and Lyra did too.

****************

Lyra’s Lyric:

Bon-Bon went off to meet with some alchemy group she wants to join, while I had breakfast with Princess Luna and her group. “Hi, everyone,” I said excitedly. “Did you figure out who to stomp while I was sleeping?”

“We are going to have to go to the Adri Varna plateau and investigate if anything is going on,” Princess Luna told me as one of the servants laid out a bowl of oats for me. I dug in as she continued. “Vinyl’s abilities should enable us to find any traces of Crystal Power.”

“Really?” I said curiously; we were in school together, but I don’t remember her having any interest in such matters.

Vinyl looked up from her oats. “It’s all a matter of vibrational harmonics,” she said with a more serious voice than usual. “Crystals vibrate; I can produce the deep vibrations which trigger responses by converting Tavi’s music. If someone is monkeying around with what’s left of their power, then we’ll find it.”

I waited for Octavia to kill Vinyl for using a nickname for her, but nothing happened.

What? She hated the nicknames I tried to give her.

I want to go, but Bon-Bon is going to want to go back to Ponyville, and I do need to get that stupid song written, even if the festival isn’t for nearly another month.

“Is Shimmer Shine using Crystal Magic?” I asked.

“No, though she should be able to learn how to use it,” Luna said, frowning. “It may prove impossible to be sure who actually did this. Prince Jaggar’s major enemies are not known to be able to do this. And I keep wondering why not just set off the stone without risking someone being able to stop you…” She frowned. “There’s some elaborate bluff and double-bluff going on.”

“Could it be Cunning Thought?” Spike asked, looking up from his plate of sausages and pancakes.

“It could be, but Mother would normally show up and gloat; it’s one of her weaknesses. She can’t *just* be clever, she has to shove it in your face and get recognition,” Princess Luna said, frowning.

“Couldn’t we go after the Baron, though?” Spike asked.

“Attacking Glantrian nobles is a good way to cause a diplomatic incident, since he committed no crime against Equestria except for paralyzing you,” Princess Luna said to Spike apologetically. “I have no authority here beyond the respect I command for my power and rank in Equestria. Jaggar hopes to prod Etienne into action. One of Glantri’s major problems is the difficulty of enforcing the law against those with the power to cause the most trouble.” Princess Luna sighed.

Spike sighed. “So basically, diplomatic immunity.”

“Yes. He is a Baron,” Princess Luna said.

Maybe I could sedu… no, I have a fillyfriend.

I spent the rest of breakfast in search of a plan.

*****************

Spike’s Saga:

Prince Jaggar wanted to see me after breakfast; he took Roderick and I down a hidden staircase in the library. I’m kind of stunned he’s showing this to me. But I felt proud too!

We descended to a huge laboratory. “I am going to see if each of you can perform a secret art, one of the foundations of our studies.”

Roderick shuffled on his feet, nervous but excited.

“I’m born ready!” I said eagerly.

Okay, I can’t *tell you* the secret, but what it does is you generate a circle around you which bans Dragons from entering! I got it on the first try; Roderick flung himself out of the circle the first three times, including landing on me, but he finally got it up (and stayed in it) and I tried getting into it and just bounced off.

“Very good,” Jagger said, then looked thoughtful and did it himself; we couldn’t get inside it to save our lives.

We practiced this until lunch; I had lunch and instantly fell asleep, utterly wiped out.

*Totally worth it*.

****************

Bon-Bon’s Initiation:

I would like to tell you about the meeting, but it was a secret! Suffice it to say, I decided to sign up with the Alchemy Society, and traded lots of information. I also got a magical labcoat, which seems to be more or less the standard garb of the society. I also spent some time working with Herr Rolf on repairing his golems and making some batches of candy.

“You will need to go to the Great School for a permanent license valid anywhere, though I’m sure Jaggar would certify you for Aalban,” he told me.

Having joined this society, I should have enough business in Glantri to make it worth it, so we discussed that for a while, until lunch time; I then went to have lunch with Prince Jaggar, his family, and Princess Luna and her followers, and of course, Spike and Lyra.

“We are heading to the Adri Varna Plateau to make sure there’s not some evil overlord of the like building a fortress there and turning people into Crystal Ponies and the like,” Cadence said cheerfully. “If you’d like to join us.”

Octavia was busy eating a rather nice looking tomato salad and being her usual smug self. Ugh. I’d have to deal with her but I can tell Lyra wants to go and if Princess Luna needs me…

“If you need us, Princess Luna, we will go. I take it everything’s stalled out on the question of who is behind this?” I said.

“For now, I will have to do some intelligence work once I have a better list of who could have done it,” Princess Luna said. “And I wish to be sure nothing strange is going on where the Crystal Empire once stood.”

I am a little nervous about this; I’m not a country girl, despite being an Earth Pony and part of me worries that Shimmer Shine was turned into a Crystal Pony to lure us into a trap.

But I trust Princess Luna’s judgement.

She is a princess and I am an ordinary Earth Pony who doesn’t deal with this sort of thing all the time.

***************

Lyra’s Lyric:

I have to say that Vinyl has a *sweet* soundboard. We spent the first few hours of the flight just monkeying around with it (with headphones on so we didn’t deafen everyone). You could simulate lots of instruments, so Vinyl, Octavia and I did all sorts of musical pieces with just the board; you can tell they’re fake, though. Or at least, I could; Spike couldn’t tell the difference and Bon-Bon spent the whole time shrunk down by Luna so she could ride in her own saddlebags and study ‘secret texts’ she got from her new Alchemy club buddies. I am *very curious* but I guess I shouldn’t complain since we were Music Clubbing it up out here.

Spike was asleep, having had too much for lunch, cuddled up to Cadence, who was just doting on him like he was her own kid. I guess once a foalsitter, always a foalsitter. And then, as we flew over the mountains west of Prince Jaggar’s territories, she began to sing a low, sad song in a language I didn’t know; we all just listened, though I could see Vinyl was recording it. Princess Luna started in surprise, then joined the song and I felt the urge to sing it but I didn’t know the words; I joined the chorus, at least, and so did Octavia and now we began to play it as we picked up the tune. Vinyl just listened, her eyes hidden behind those goggles she wears, her hooves tapping the beat.

“What song was that?” I asked.

You could now see dry hills to the west of us, rising towards a high plateau, though not as high as the Equestrian Plateau; this one looked a lot dryer and rocky than ours.

“One of the refugees from the Crystal Empire wrote a song about its fall,” Cadence said, patting Spike as he slept.

“It didn’t just vanish to the Hollow World, did it?” Vinyl suddenly asked. “I know some places about to be destroyed get moved like that.”

Princess Luna made an unhappy noise. “That requires some foresight that doom was coming; it happened so fast no one could respond to it, as other things were going on elsewhere,” she said softly.

Like the Nightmare Moon crisis, I know. I didn’t pay as much attention to Equestrian history as I should have, as it wasn’t as cool as the weird exotic stuff in the rest of the world. I know the most important stuff, but I was more interested in new places.

Like this freaky plateau; the air got colder and dryer as we went upwards and the whole place was a wasteland of scrub grass, sand, rocks and cacti forests. I got a weird feeling from the local magic that made me uncomfortable; Vinyl began fidgeting even more than usual too. I wonder if what Bon-Bon was feeling was like this to her.

“What’s this weird feeling?” I asked.

“Entropy is strong here,” Luna said softly. “The fall of the Crystal Empire devastated this land, which had been made green and beautiful by its power. The powerful bonds of friendship and love between the Crystal Ponies generated huge amounts of magic, with which they reshaped the land. But when Sombra betrayed them and the city vanished, then came the night.”

We flew over a lake covered with green scum and I stared at it. “What’s that weird… That isn’t a giant green slime patch, is it?” That thing could eat Ponyville if it’s green slime.

“The Crystal Ponies defeated a horrible monster there long ago,” Luna said softly. “But that is just algae.”

“What is algae?” Octavia asked hesitantly. “It looks dangerous.”

“Isn’t it some kind of swamp monster?” Vinyl asked hesitantly. “I’m pretty sure the Death of Alestair Pennydown talks about how it grew on the trees and corrupted them.”

Cadence stared at us. “None of you know what algae is?” Her eyes were wide and her voice was full of shock.

“This is the first time I’ve been outside a city,” Octavia suddenly confessed. “Other than train rides.”

I knew that but it *still boggles me*. What kind of Earth Pony has never touched real dirt???

“Does it grow in Equestria? I thought it was one of those things our magic keeps out,” Vinyl said hesitantly.

Luna… I looked at Luna and she looked like we didn’t know what hooves were or that we had four legs. “So much has changed,” she said softly.

“We’re all city girls,” Vinyl said. “I’ve never left Equestria before, and I’ve been to the countryside, but they didn’t have this stuff either.”

“Didn’t you pay any attention in Biology?” Cadence finally said weakly.

Okay, now I feel like the biggest idiot in the universe. “I might have had other things on my mind,” I mumbled. “I only paid attention in Sapient Biology.” Any species that can talk has this thing on their throat called Noumena’s Apple, allegedly from when he ate the Apple of Wisdom. In some species, like humans, it’s bigger on men for some reason I no longer remember. It’s one of the ways to identify sapient creatures!

Which is to say, your audience!

Spike yawned and sat up. “Did someone say something about dinner?”

“After we land,” Cadence said. “You can nap more if you want.”

“Did you know about algae, Spike?” Vinyl asked curiously.

“Yeah, Black Dragons let it grow around their lairs because they can actually eat it; a lot of dragons are mainly meat eaters, but Black Dragons can eat algae and some other things that grow in the stagnant water they prefer,” Spike said, then looked over the side of the chariot. “Wow, that’s a lot of algae.”

Vinyl covered her face with her hooves. Octavia blinked in surprise, and I said, “Okay, Spike, you win.”

“What did I win?” he asked excitedly.

“HUGS,” Cadence said and hugged him, while he turned red. “You must stay small and cute forever.”

“I need to grow up,” Spike mumbled.

“If you try to never change, you end up like that lake,” Luna said softly. “It is good and right that a child wish to grow.” Cadence sighed.

“Growing up too fast isn’t good either,” Cadence said softly.

“I know, I know,” Luna said, staring out across the landscape.

After that, we travelled in silence; as it started to get dark, Luna directed the charioteers to descend; we’d left the creepy lake behind, thankfully.

The air was cold and this place felt wrong and it felt *more* wrong as we descended. Vinyl and I both shuffled about and Octavia’s eyes widened and she shied away from the edge of the chariot, trying to get into the center.

Bon-Bon finally came out, blinked and retreated back into the saddlebag. “What is going on?” she said anxiously.

Luna frowned, looking around. “Make for that,” she said; scraggly trees grew on a hill with some grass; a spring bubbled up water near the peak and I felt a little less like the world was going to eat me as we approached.

“I am sorry, I have not been here in a thousand years,” Luna said softly. “I did not realize it was this bad.”

She dug in her saddlebags and extracted ebony and opal hoof-guards which she fitted onto our hooves; it made everything feel a little less terrible; she also turned Bon-Bon back to normal and we got out. “This isn’t too bad but I can feel everything is twisted and wrong beyond this,” she said softly.

“I know,” Octavia said. “It shouldn’t be like this. The Earth cries out.” Her voice wobbled. “I’ve never felt anything like this.”

“It shouldn’t be this bad, I think,” Luna said hesitantly. “Moon Bat, Cadence, ensure everyone is fed; I must contact Celestia.”

Moon Bat was one of the Bat Pony Guards, the Night Guard; he and the other guardsmen set up a pavilion; well, we all helped and then they poured out bags of oats and rye for everyone; Spike ate another of his sealed sandwiches Twilight made him.

Octavia and Bon-Bon were still somewhat agitated and kept glancing at each other, not in a ‘I hate you’ way but more ‘What the hell is this?’ I ate quickly and cuddled up to Bon-Bon, which I think helped.

“Maybe we should retreat to the mountains instead of camping out here,” Vinyl said, looking around after dinner. “This seems like the kind of place undead would like.”

“Wraith-slug,” Cadence and Spike said in unison in a creepy voice.

Octavia shivered. “Wraith… slug?” she said hesitantly.

“I’ll save that for when we tell ghost stories,” Cadence said cheerfully.

“I do not wish to tell ghost stories in a place like this,” Octavia said, shivering.

“It’ll be okay, Tavi,” Vinyl said, patting her back with a hoof and Octavia moved closer to her.

Holy shit, are they…

My brain exploded.

Bon-Bon either didn’t notice or didn’t care.

I mean, Vinyl’s cool to party with, but… And maybe we did make out at that one party before I got with Octavia… but she’s…

I began wondering if all this ancient evil was making me hallucinate.

Why does she get to use a nickname when I never did????

******************

Spike’s Saga:

I wandered around just a little; not going out of sight of everyone but I was curious why this hill is less tainted. Maybe there’s a druid working here? “Hey, any druids around?” I shouted. “I have a friend who is a druid!”

I could feel the bass levels; for some reason, DJ Pon-3 had fired up her rig and was busy pumping deep bass into everything; it felt kind of strange and she kept changing it, sending it ever lower.

“Hello, druids?” I hope they like deep bass.

I heard Luna say loudly, “Cadence, this is not the time for ghost stories,” so I ran back to see what she found out.

“You can’t tell the wraith-slug story without me,” I said urgently.

“I won’t,” she said, smiling that ‘hehe’ smile of hers.

“Celestia is worried; it wasn’t this bad the last time she checked in on the area. But it was three years ago,” Princess Luna said, glancing up at the stars; the moon was mostly full, only slightly declining. The visible moon, that is; there’s an invisible one full of cat-people.

I don’t remember any more why it’s invisible, though.

“Before your return from your journeys, before the second Nightmare Moon attack,” Vinyl said thoughtfully. “Are there any prophecies about the Crystal Empire?”

“They’re lost too,” Lyra said, laughing nervously. “Princess Luna, does every place’s magic feel different? I don’t remember them teaching us that at the School. But I didn’t take any advanced arcane theory.”

“Your majesty, I strongly recommend we evacuate this area. I don’t like it,” Moon Bat said, surprising us all; the Bat Ponies don’t seem to talk much.

“Yes. I think we had better load up and go; I had not planned to bring any of you here when we left Canterlot.” Princess Luna glanced at Cadence.

“I have been so busy with everything,” she said softly, looking embarrassed. “Pack up,” she said with her foalsitter voice. “Let’s get out of here.”

“We’ll set a course southeast back into Glantrian territory; we should be able to make it to Dream Valley,” Princess Luna said.

“Isn’t it constantly being ravaged by monsters?” Vinyl asked.

“Not so much these days,” Princess Luna said, though she frowned.

We began packing and she said to Lyra, “To finally answer your question, there is a distinct flavor but it is usually less… powerful or disgusting than this.”

Octavia helped Vinyl get her rig back on the chariot; Vinyl set it up to play backwards, behind the chariot. I guess in case we’re pursued.

Yeah, I am getting the definite feeling we’ve been suckered into something. I helped get everything loaded and then I suddenly coughed up a letter to Luna which turned out to be a map of the area. She passed that to her charioteers.

We got airborne and began heading what we hoped was southeast, towards Dream Valley. They say the local pegasi all have butterfly wings; I was curious to see if this was true.

Octavia was the first to hear it. “I hear hoofbeats,” she said softly.

It was hard to tell if anything was on the ground; it was rather dark despite the moon and starlight and the ground was mostly gravel and dark colored dirt. Then I saw the shadows of Ponies… with no Ponies attached. I could hear the hoofbeats, but I couldn’t *see* anyone. This was even creepier than the wraith-slug.

Then we started hearing wingbeats too, but you couldn’t see any kind of flying Ponies, just shadows of them on the ground, trying to catch up to us.

The charioteers sped up, but so did our foes, assuming anyone is there and this isn’t some kind of illusion. “This could be an illusion. Can Shadow Ponies even fly?” I asked.

“Shadow Ponies bargain service to the Entropics to gain special blessings; some gain the power of flight,” Princess Luna said tensely.

“I know what to do,” Lyra suddenly said, gently striking her forehead with a hoof. “Bon-Bon, you have some of your sparklers, right?”

“Those are dangerous for non-Earth Ponies to use; it’s really easy to burn your mouth trying to spit them if you’re not one of us,” Bon-Bon said. “But… hmm, I bet Spike could use them safely too. You’re immune to fire, right?”

“I can swim in lava!” I said proudly.

“Spike’s even better than my idea,” Lyra said. “He could spit them up and then we three bards will combine our power to augment the spark bursts into a giant light show. That should discourage the Shadow Ponies, right?”

The fact that Princess Luna is actually running away from these things worries me.

Bon-Bon dug out her sparkler candies; she sells them at festivals; you basically can spit up a firework! They’re really cool but you have to be careful the sparks don’t land on someone. Or your parents don’t kill you. She tossed them to me.

“And I will boost Spikey,” Cadence said confidently.

Octavia looked at Bon-Bon, who looked at her. They both nodded and Octavia said, “Fire on the Mountain?”

“Fire on the Mountain,” Lyra said, her harp floating up by her head.

“Laying down bass line NOW,” DJ Pon-3 said, beginning to vibrate her speakers.

“Spike, do you mind if I stand on your head?” Bon-Bon asked.

….

“I mean, I think I can turn into a phoenix and that will make more light, right?” she said hesitantly, looking at Princess Luna.

Princess Luna blinked, then smiled. “Yes. And I will strengthen the moon’s light.” She began a song.

Bon-Bon transformed and now perched on my head; it actually felt weirdly nice; she was so warm. Phoenix-Bon began to shine brighter; I could feel Cadence giving us power as I spat up the sparklers.

Each one exploded like a star going nova, shimmering with lights; you could see solid shadows behind and below us, shadow ponies, who now whinnied in fear and began to break off in all directions as I sent up ‘rocket’ after ‘rocket’ and Phoenix-Bon sang about burning down houses.

Where did Bon-Bon learn a song about burning houses???

Also, all that bass was making my body vibrate.

You could see the ground clearly now and the Shadow Ponies were gone; I guess we showed we weren’t easy targets. “They don’t… eat people… right?” I said weakly.

“We are fortunate; some of them are as brave as any of you,” Princess Luna said. “If they had served Orcus or Alphaks or someone similar, we would have likely had to fight them.”

We ended our light show, though now all the sparklers were gone. I hoped we wouldn’t need them again.

Distantly, you could barely make out the mountains; hopefully we’d drop off the plateau and it would get warmer and we’d be beyond reach of our foes. Then the chanting started.

It was far away, in some strange tongue that made Cadence and Princess Luna squirm and the rest of us feel uncomfortable. Phoenix-Bon, still perched on my head, since she can’t actually turn back without either more candy or a unicorn’s help or it wearing off, made unhappy noises and tried to plug her ears with her wings.

“They’re summoning a Shadow Dragon; they must have decided they are not strong enough to take us,” Princess Luna said, frowning. “We’re going to have to land because the first breath will likely destroy the chariot.”

“We can’t get off the plateau on foot,” Lyra said, frowning. “It’s a pretty sharp drop for hundreds of feet and only you can fly, Princess.”

A dragon. Maybe I can talk… hey! “Hah! Spike is here to save the day!” I said proudly. “I know a trick to ward off dragons!” And I don’t ward myself off any more with it either!

Princess Luna blinked. “You do?”

“Ooooh,” Cadence said. “Did Twilight figure it out and teach you?”

“Prince Jaggar taught me,” I said proudly. “Okay, here it goes.”

I waved my arms and chanted and the field formed… about two feet around me.

That’s not enough. “Maybe if Princess Luna shrinks everyone,” I mumbled.

“We can all strengthen you with our power,” Cadence said, now serious again. “Friendship is magic and we’re all friends, right?”

Phoenix-Bon made a bird noise and looked at Octavia. Octavia shuffled on her hooves and looked at Bon-Bon.

“Come on, I’m the one who screwed things up,” Lyra said desperately. “You shouldn’t hate each other. You can hate me instead. And you like Spike, right?”

“She’s so smug and thinks she’s special because of her fancy clothing and her manners and her hair and hobnobbing with nobles all the time,” Phoenix-Bon squawked, sounding aggravated. “She makes me wonder what you see in me.” Then her eyes widened as she’d clearly said WAY more than she intended.

“I wear this bow-tie because my mother gave it to me,” Octavia said angrily.

I could hear the chanting getting louder. “I think this is the *worst* possible time for a fight,” I said, worried.

“And I seem to remembering seeing *you* all excited about hobnobbing with nobles and wearing fancy dresses and being *Lady* Bon-Bon when I’m just the hired help!,” Octavia continued, getting angrier.

Princess Luna kept opening and shutting her mouth and struggling for words.

Diplomacy is really not her strong point.

“Octavia, you’re a wonderful pony,” Cadence said. “I may love tiaras a lot…. A whole lot…”

“Focus,” I stage-whispered to her.

Cadence’s eyes refocused. “I could never be as good a musician as you. Whatever the Glantrians may think, you are a Pony, and Ponies are noble creatures.”

Made in a laboratory, I thought, but I kept my mouth shut.

“Bon-Bon, don’t say that,” Lyra said, sounding wounded. “I love you because you anchor me; I lift you to the skies and you keep me from floating off into space. Please don’t hate Octavia; she’s a wonderful pony, and I’m sure you could be good friends.”

I’ve seen enough to know Lyra will probably spend the rest of her life regretting urging her fillyfriend to be friends with her ex. If it works.

“Come on, Tavi, you remember what we saw at the club that night,” Vinyl said urgently to Octavia. “Also, if we all die because you two can’t let go, we won’t make the rent payments and we’ll be evicted.”

“You *live together*?” Lyra said, jaw dropping.

Princess Luna was starting to look ill and her eyes were unfocused and she was shivering and I could hear the chanting getting louder. “The clock to us all becoming dinner is ticking!” I said urgently. “I need all your help!”

“They’ll probably wallpaper a house with your sheet music or something to get our missed payments,” Vinyl continued.

Octavia’s eyes turned into balls of flame, or so it seemed.

Lyra now ate a candy and turned into a phoenix as well (with a horn), then flew over to embrace Phoenix-Bon. “I love you, now and for always,” she said softly. “Don’t be afraid.”

And then I heard a great cry of triumph. The charioteers were… burning wing… I guess… but we were not even going to make it to the edge of the plateau without my shield. “Come on, everyone!” I said desperately.

Phoenix-Bon closed her eyes and stroked Phoenix-Lyra with a wing. “A lady does not insult others to make herself feel better. I am sorry, Octavia. You are a magnificent musician and have the right to be proud of your skills. I am sorry.”

Octavia said, “No one is burning my precious sheet music collection!” For a second, I thought she was going to burst into flame. She put out a hoof to touch my leg and Vinyl to touch my other one.

“You need to forgive her,” Cadence told Octavia, though she now lit up her horn and lines of light began to connect us all.

“Hey, Luna, you okay?” I asked her, starting to worry.

“No,” she said softly but she tied herself into the network. “I am proud of you, Spike. You will be a great dragon one day.”

YEAH!

Octavia looked at Phoenix-Bon, then at Phoenix-Lyra, then at Vinyl. “My parents scrimped and saved to send me to Madame Silver Fountain's School For Young Fillies of Distinction. I graduated with honors and soon became part of the Royal Orchestra as I’ve always dreamed.” Her voice was soft. “But no one sees me as a lady.”

“I always did,” Lyra mumbled.

“You’re a lot more of a gentlewoman than I’ll ever be,” Vinyl said. “I’m sure Cadence can give you a tiara and make you a Baroness if you want, though. But you don’t need a title to be a wonderful person. And if we die, we’ll miss another rent payment.”

I’m kind of surprised they struggle to pay the rent, given one is a popular DJ and the other is in the Royal Orchestra.

Luna said something incoherent about rent; she looks like Twilight the time Twilight accidentally invented a new kind of vomit.

Actually, let’s forget that ever happened.

“I will never be a musician as good as you, no matter how much candy I eat,” Phoenix-Bon said, holding out a wing.

“You are the most elegant of us here,” Cadence said. “Sorry, Looney.”

“Apology accepted,” Luna said, making a gurgling noise.

“We have to do this before either Luna throws up or the DRAGON EATS US,” I shouted.

I could hear it getting closer, circling and trying to decide on a line of attack.

Maybe Luna has motion sickness. It’s really terrible but I stopped getting it after my last Dragonsleep.

“Okay,” Octavia said. “I’m sorry I yelled at you, Lady Bon-Bon.”

“Accepted, Lady Octavia,” Phoenix-Bon said and Octavia smiled a little smile.

Candace wove everyone’s power into me JUST as I heard the dragon closing in. I felt stronger than I had since the unfortunate hoarding incident… let’s not think about that either.

I extended the sphere and it glowed like fire around us, protecting everyone. Oh yeah, SPIKE THE MIGHTY DRAGON IS HERE! Four lights sparkled on the eastern horizon, above the green vale of Dream Valley, which sits in… well, a valley… which connects Glantri to the Adri Varma Plateau.

You could see the Shadow Dragon and hear it howl as it bounced off and had to retreat and come around. I blocked it three times and now we were over the edge of the plateau and beginning to descend.

Then it SAT ON MY FIELD. Bastard!

We began losing height rapidly; this thing was hard to see, being made of black shadows, but it was huge, bigger than my aunt and uncle. Luna was still gibbering and moaning, though she added power to my shield and the three bards were singing some song together and playing as they shared power with me.

The distant lights got closer even as we sank quickly towards the ground. They were Ponies! In fact, it was Rainbow Crash, followed by Cruisin’, Fire Swallow, and Dragonfly!

Man, being rescued by the Elements of Power is VERY embarrassing.

But how did they even know to find us?

I was sweating like a pig; even with everyone helping me, this was way too much. It was hard to think about anything but keeping the sphere up. And the dragon jumping up and down on it.

“You can do it, Spikey,” Cadence said warmly, and I concentrated harder, though I felt like I would die.

The Shadow Dragon hammered at my field with his head, but it bounced off; before it could try and breathe on us, lightning spiked down from the sky, striking it in the head and it fell off the sphere; though it recovered, now it made for the four onrushing ponies, who split in four directions.

Luna finally rose to her feet and shook like a dog shaking off water. And I chose this moment to faint from exhaustion.

***************

Bon-Bon’s Burning:

I tried to get one of my candies but set my saddlebags, lying on the floor of the chariot, on fire. Cadence stamped it out and dug out the candy I had been making on the way here for me and threw one each to Lyra and I. Then we took off, still in Phoenix form, after the dragon as it turned to chase Dragonshy, who was laughing in a very disturbing way.

I could see the other three starting to peel around, Fire Swallow coming down from above and Cruisin’ and Rainbow Crash rising up from below. Lyra and I arched around the right side of him; our goal was to get near his face. I continued frantically chewing the bubblegum.

The shadow dragon grew closer and closer to Dragonshy and we tried to get closer to it, but it was so fast and we weren’t half as big as it was.

“Fool! Face the wrath of mother nature!” Dragonshy shouted and began to shapeshift into another dragon…

Except something went wrong and she ended up as a huge lizard the size of a pony, maybe even a full sized horse… but with no wings. She immediately began to plummet. “Dammit, that girl makes it look so easy!!!!!!”

Ironically, the Shadow Dragon missed biting her as she plunged right out of the range of his teeth. Or hers. I have no idea how to tell dragon gender.

Lyra and I plunged downwards to try and save her from splatting.

And then Fire Swallow spat flame into the face of the Shadow Dragon, temporarily blinding it; as it fumbled around, I could now see that Rainbow Crash and Cruisin’ were carrying a long chain in their mouths and they now began flying intricately around the dragon’s wings, tangling them up and sending it flying around erratically as it struggled to remain skyborne. They dodged nimbly between beating wings and the thrashing tail with a grace I know I couldn’t match. They’re so nimble!

Then I saw Luna point one hoof and shout “PETTY MORTAL, BOW BEFORE THE PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT!”; Vinyl’s speakers amplified this humongously and the dragon shook like an earthquake had hit him. Cello notes thundered like meteors striking the earth and I could see Cadence glowing brightly, her light shining onto Luna, Vinyl, and Octavia.

We plunged down towards Dragonshy, who now turned into a small brown dog and coughed up bees.

…

She shifted again, becoming a large cow, and then into a small fluffy blue cat. At that point, we reached her and each spat bubblegum onto her legs and caught her, carefully biting the bubblegum so we didn’t end up cutting her leg with our sharp beaks; I had *planned* to spit it in the Dragon’s eyes.

Only now did it sink in that I had just been planning to CHARGE A DRAGON and spit in its eyes.

…

Shifting really does affect your mind if you’re not careful.

We hauled her around to the chariot and she turned back to normal, still with bubblegum on two legs. She also looked slightly charred for some reason, the tips of her coat hairs all blackened.

Then I remembered I am *on fire*.

There were stars in the east, coming our way, hundreds of them. The dragon thrashed and now began to plummet, too tangled up to fly and Rainbow Crash and Cruisin’ flew upwards and slapped hooves in triumph. The lights grew closer, hundreds of butterfly-winged ponies, all of them wearing softly glowing armor, led by… Fluttershy? No, this pony, though it had the same coat and mane as Fluttershy, was a touch larger than Fluttershy and also wore a crown and had butterfly wings with pink roses and green rose petals and rosebuds on a white background. She wore a crown of red gold set with pink gems and wore a necklace with two golden rings on it.

“HELLO, COUNTESS ROSEDUST,” Princess Luna said through the speakers; Flutterponies went tumbling in the wave of sound. The Duchess weathered the storm unbowed, however. Vinyl frantically worked the equipment. “My apologies,” she said, still amplified. “We request permission to enter the Fluttermarch of Dream Valley.”

Several other ponies whispered to Countess Rosedust; one of them was a regular Pegasus, blue with a pink mane and her cutie mark was two blue whistles and one pink. “Permission is granted,” Countess Rosedust said regally, as loud as Princess Luna without needing an amplifier.

The dragon hit the ground and dissolved. It just broke into shadowy clouds of smoke which dispersed in the wind; soon it was as if it had never existed.

“Are these yours?” Countess Rosedust asked, pointing at Crash and Cruisin’. “They invaded our airspace without asking permission and we were coming to deal with them and then I got a report of a dragon coming this way.”

Cruisin’ seemed to only now actually notice Countess Rosedust and his eyes lit up.

What a jerk he is.

“I serve Mother Nature, who MADE the air!” Dragonfly said angrily, waving her staff with her tail.

“Princess Celestia asked Princess Marjorie to send us to help you and no one said anything about ‘airspace’,” Rainbow Crash said frantically.

They got all the way from the Broken Lands this fast? Wow.

I can ‘t fly that fast.

I’m flying! I suddenly was reminded I was flying. I can see why Pegasi love this.

Cadence whispered frantically to Dragonfly.

Cruisin’ flew down to Countess Rosedust and bowed. “Wise and beautiful Countess Rosedust, please forgive us for our intrusion; we were so frantic to prevent Princess Luna being devoured by a fearsome Shadow Dragon that we could think of nothing else, not even you and your lovely lady warriors.”

Fire Swallow had a hoof over her mouth, to suppress laughter, I think; she was making her way back to the chariot.

“I’m sure that works on all the ladies back home, but you will find us more clear eyed here,” Countess Rosedust said firmly and Crusin’ looked stunned. “That being said, I see the urgency of your mission. This will be the fourth time I have seen that dragon ‘die’.”

Princess Luna frowned. “When did it first appear?”

“After the eclipse at the Summer Solstice in 1000 AC,” Countess Rosedust said. “Ever since then, the Adri Varna Plateau has increasingly been a place of shadow and darkness. Princess Emerald has sent some of her Pegasi Guard to assist us in patrolling the border.” She nodded to her Pegasus advisor and I could now see some Pegasi in groups among the Flutterponies.

Princess Luna frowned and I wondered how the news of this hadn’t gotten around… though I guess even before this, no one wise went to the Adri Varna Plateau; it’s kind of hostile.

“But now it looks even worse; the darkness grows,” Countess Rosedust continued. “But our homeland is too fractious and self-absorbed to do anything about it.” She sounded quite frustrated. “Half the Princes and Princesses spend their time plotting against each other and the other half want to conquer one of our neighbors for no reason at all.”

“All three of our neighbors raid us regularly, that would constitute a valid reason for wishing to bring a cessation of such activities,” the Pegasus next to Countess Rosedust said firmly. “Though a study of the financial cost of conquest would require a very long term period of control in order for it to not cost more than simply accepting the raids as a cost of business, so to speak. And of course, it is hard to predict the cost of actual occupation and rule in the face of local resistance.” Countess Rosedust simply looked at her. “It’s also not very nice.”

“Enemies are for killing,” Dragonshy said; she sounds like Fluttershy, so having her say that is kind of creepy.

Lyra and I continued to circle the chariot because now I was worried about setting it on fire. I hope I can keep this up. “Doesn’t Glantri also border Darokin? They’re not raiding you, are they?”

“Darokin does technically border us,” the Pegasus said. “However, the Silver Sierras block trade, and in practice, our real neighbors are Wendar, which is full of wild, unstable fey, the Broken Lands, full of insane maniac monsters, and the Ethengars, who believe theft is both holy and obligatory.”

“That’s a bit of an oversimplification of the Ethengars,” Lyra said, flying over and now arguing about Ethengarian culture with the Pegasus, who still hasn’t introduced herself!

Luna whispered to Dragonshy, who looked aggravated and now began trying to groom herself with Cadence’s help.

Countess Rosedust now came over to talk to Luna privately and we all made for the aeries of the Flutterponies.

****************

Lyra’s Lyric:

Her name is Wind Whistler and she’s really smart, but kind of stubborn. I can tell I’ve studied more Humanics than her, but she’s a great arguer, so we had a good time discussing Glantri’s situation, while everyone else stretched out in the aerie. Basically, Dream Valley is the region between the Kurish Massif mountains in the south and east and the Adri Varna Plateau to the north and west of it; the Flutterponies patrol the border, but their homes are carved in to the mountainsides on the southern and eastern border. So we were in a town carved in a series of tiers into the side of a mountain.

It was *very cool*. I’ve always wanted to see one but the Flutterponies are pretty picky about visitors.

“I’ve never seen a Phoenix with a Unicorn horn before,” Wind Whistler said solemnly. “Are there different kind of phoenixes? Or are you a transformed Flame Unicorn?”

The candy, as if on cue, now wore off and I turned into my normal self. “I am a Unicorn,” I told her and bowed. “Transformed by my fair lady love, Lady Bon-Bon. I am Lady Lyra, her consort.”

“An Earth Pony Arcaner?” she said, amazed, and studying Bon-Bon, who was busy talking to Cadence about something, while Cadence held the snoozing Spike.

I smiled broadly. “No one will look down on my lady love.”

Princess Luna and Countess Rosedust had gone to a private chamber; we were in a reception room, having food and drink and talking to lots of other ponies; none of us had ever met a Flutterpony, so other than Dragonshy, who had gone off for a bath, we were all talking to our hosts.

I’m kind of worried about what happened to Luna; she was a mess, but she’s divine and I wish I knew what happened. What could do that to her?

Maybe she just has keener senses for entropy?

I now asked Wind Whistler about the hill we’d landed on.

“Some spots resist the shadow and we don’t know why,” Wind Whistler said. “We think they must have been especially strong in the power of Law before the fall of the Crystal Empire.”

This bothers me; why hadn’t I heard of this before? I guess I just never hear much about stuff up here because it’s all wilderness, but still…

“We hadn’t heard of it,” I said, frowning.

“Well, you don’t border it and even most Glantrians and Sindhi aren’t anywhere near it,” Wind Whistler said. “And it is strangely uncomfortable to discuss.” She shuffled a bit on her hooves. “Sometimes I almost forget the problem until I am on patrol again.”

Or maybe something is *making* people not notice or think about it.

I got as much information about this as I could from Wind Whistler and began racking my brain, trying to solve the problem. And trying to reduce Wind Whistler-ese to simpler terms. She reminds me of Twilight. Who probably would already know the problem and be solving it.

But I have a hard time with any kind of knowledge that isn’t music or behavior or stories. Which is why I majored in music and minored in cultural studies and acting.

“Hmm, Equestria, Rockhome, Alfheim… you know, until Thyatis got its independence, there were no real human states of significance around the time that the Crystal Empire vanished,” I said hesitantly. “Oh, and the Five Shires. But Darokin, Glantri, Sindh, Karameikos, Ylarum, the Northern Reaches… they were all just big messes with petty states and so on.”

“Or Alphatian colonies,” Wind Whistler pointed out. “But of course, Alphatia was a mighty human nation, though I guess it did have a little of everything.”

“A lot of Elves, especially,” I pointed out. “Something strange has to be going on here. I guess we’re just grasping at straws right now, though.”

Then it hit me. “Maybe the Shadow Dragon isn’t real at all. Maybe they’re making a giant shadow monster of one. And that’s why they were all chanting and why it went poof.”

“That has been my theory,” Wind Whistler said. “I don’t know much about arcane magic works, but I know there are ways to cooperate, and friendship is magic.”

Evil friendship. Do Shadow Ponies even have friends? How can you be evil and care about people?

Princess Luna now came out with the Countess. “We will stay here the rest of tonight; you receive a rare honor in this. Spike, I need to talk to you about sending some messages.”

“Of course!” he said. He’d revived from earlier by now.

The bed was nice and soft, and even with Bon-Bon mumbling recipes in her sleep, I soon fell asleep, more exhausted than I had realized.

*********************

Spike’s Saga:

I felt all weird when I woke up, kind of wobbly and hollow. I ate like a pig, then got bloated from eating too much. I hate my stomach sometimes.

People had meetings and consulted libraries and things, I think, while I laid around moaning in the reception room and coughing up gas. Cadence was kind enough to stay with me and soothe my suffering. She’s a real sweetie. I’d think she had a thing for me but I thought that… I hoped Rarity liked me and… now I don’t trust my judgment. It’s probably just foalsitter instincts, because she still thinks I’m a little kid.

“Have you ever had your heart broken?” I asked her, then wished I hadn’t said that.

“Oh yes, the second colt I ever fell in love with was in love with someone else,” she said mournfully. “I thought I’d be alone forever.”

“Wait, what happened to the first one?” I asked.

“His family moved and I never saw him again; I moped around magic kindergarden for days,” she said, sighing wistfully.

…

“I mean, when you were old enough to not just have a little kid crush,” I said weakly.

“That never stops,” she said softly. “You just get better at recognizing and shutting it down if it’s a bad idea. But it’s a difference of degree, not kind.” A little louder, she said, “I am sorry for you, Spike. Rarity is a wonderful mare. But she was both too young and too old for you.”

“Too… young…?” I said in confusion.

“A pony’s life is measured in decades and a dragon’s in centuries or more, even now. For the moment, you are too young for her, but the time would come when you were just barely being considered an adult by other dragons and Rarity would be ready for burial,” she said softly, her eyes unfocused and a little wet.

My stomach churned at that. “Yes, but I’d have to be alone forever if I worried about that. It’s better to have those decades than nothing. Twilight agrees with me.” Or she wouldn’t be seeing West Wind; I like him. I dunno if it’ll come to anything if he’s always gone and so is she, though.

She studied me with an odd look on her face. If she’s about to confess to me… I have *no* idea what to do.

But I’m probably being vain.

“So tell me about Big Macintosh,” she said slowly.

Why is she… does she… oh wait, she’s likely thinking in terms of him dropping dead while Celestia has to go on. One of Cadence’s cutie mark tricks is that she’s really good at telling how people feel about someone else. Her big one is that she can literally turn friendship and other kinds of love into magic; this lets her amplify people’s powers when they work together. It’s a big part of how everyone pooled their power to me to save everyone.

Hey, *I* got to save everyone!

That made me smile. “He’s a hard working, kind of quiet farmpony; he loves his family very much but he’s not the type to talk about it… or anything else… too much,” I told her. “But he’s very, very honest. And…” I tried to think how to say it. “He’s farm-educated.”

Her eyebrows moved oddly and her face crunched. “I don’t understand what you mean.”

“It’s like… he couldn’t tell you who Hanno was or what the plot of Fifth Night was, but he knows twenty kinds of soil and what they’re good for and he can read the weather and tell how something will grow when he plants it. Not just because he’s an Earth Pony but because he is part of his family’s lore and their ongoing experiments to be the best farmers,” I told her. “I dunno, him and Celestia seems like personality wise, it’s fine, but it’s like they’re from different planets socially and in how they live. She can’t be a farm girl and he’s no prince. Not in the ‘evil nasty’ way but he’s totally… I mean, I guess Celestia at least has touched dirt…” What kind of Earth Pony has never been in the countryside??? I know more about the countryside than Octavia does. That’s just so wrong.

Cadence sighed, then said, “So what about these ‘Cutie Mark Crusaders’? Twilight mentions them in her letters, but I haven’t met them.”

“They’re the Immortality Mark Crusaders now,” I said, laughing softly. “Thinking about them because of the whole Big Mac thing?”

“Among other reasons,” she said, oddly with her naughty voice, which worried me because when Cadence thinks she is being wicked, I somehow end up covered in honey and chased by angry bees.

She apologized, but not something I want to do again.

“Scootaloo basically is Rainbow Dash at a younger age,” I said. “I think Ivan is training her and so is Dash. *Now*.” Everyone had basically chewed on her head to get her to do it.

“Sweetie Belle is kind of like you, if you were a dimwit,” I continued.

She frowned at me. “Spike, that’s very mean.”

“She’s kind and gentle but all she knows is card tricks that bastard Marcus taught her.” I could feel my voice heating up. “Which she then uses to manipulate people. Like him.” My hands were clenching and unclenching.

“Spikey, it’s not healthy to hate people,” Cadence said gently. “You’re just saying that because she likes Marcus and you hate him because Rarity loves him.”

“And what he did to Twilight! Who forgave him!” I shouted. People stared, but I didn’t care. I felt this knot in my chest; it hurt, but I couldn’t stop.

“Twilight has a good heart,” Cadence said. Cadence is too trusting and kind; she’d say that to a monster eating her leg. “But… oh wait, he was Erik.”

“Yes, he lied to you too!” I said, pointing at her.

People were whispering but I didn’t care. The more people who know, the faster his past catches up with him.

“Spikey, that’s a state secret,” she said very softly. She sighed. “You need to let go, because hate gives darkness a hold into you. And that can destroy you.”

Dragons are good at hating. As Marjorie demonstrated.

Not the example I want.

“I can never forgive him,” I said stubbornly.

“So tell me about the rest of the Crusaders,” she said sadly.

“Apple Bloom’s like a mechanical genius. She’s fairly practical and probably the smartest of the group. She built a giant flying warship treehouse! And a really cool blimp. Twist is probably going to be like Bon-Bon with glasses in the future. She has really nice hair. And Dinky… is kind of weird,” I concluded.

“Weird?” Cadence asked curiously.

“She’s full of conspiracy theories and probably thinks you’re controlled by evil tiaras from the future, but she’s a pretty good wizard for her age. A lot better than Sweetie.” Admittedly, a lot of kids in magic Kindergarden aren’t big suckers like Sweetie.

“I’m controlled by evil tiaras from the *past*,” Cadence said, laughing, and I now noticed she’d changed headgear since yesterday. She probably likes Marcus because they both want to put things on their head.

Okay, I love my hat but not like Marcus loves hats.

Cadence continued catching up on things with me as gradually my body adjusted, and finally, I felt like I was really functional. I get the impression she’s digging for something, but I don’t know what.

But talking to her is fun, so it’s okay.

*****************

Bon-Bon’s Flying Lesson:

“Thank you for coming to our aid,” I told Rainbow Crash; we’d gone outside to look at Dream Valley; you could see a lot of it from here, endless plains and forests and hills, nestled between the distant plateau, a dark horizon smear from here, and the mountains we were in. “I see Cruisin’ still needs a beating, though.”

Crash sighed. “It’s weird. Attacking the dragon, we were in such perfect synch with each other.”

“It was amazing,” I told her. Because it was. “You really are an incredible precision flyer.”

“Dash is faster than me, but I’m more nimble,” she said, perking up a little. “You were the phoenix, right?”

“Yeah,” I told her. “It’s kind of incredible, being a phoenix. Being able to fly,” I said softly.

“Yeah, that’s why Pegasi are the best ponies,” she said with an amount of pride that reminded me she is a clone of Rainbow Dash after all. “If you turn into one, we could go flying together, right?”

“Yeah,” I said, so I got one and we took to the air, flying around the mountain and exploring. The one thing that worries me is that these things don’t have a warning they’re going to wear off. I need to get some kind of magic timer that will change with me; my cooking timers would be hard for some forms to carry.

A half-dozen pegasi and flutterponies soon joined us, flying merrily around the mountain. There really is something magical in flight. One of the flutterponies asked me, “Are you a doppleganger?”

I laughed. “No, I use magical candy to transform myself.”

She looked greatly relieved and glanced off towards the distant plateau; you could see it raining heavily there now and tiny distant streaks of lightning. The thunder was hardly any louder than if you dropped a spoon on the floor.

“Are we likely to get hit by the storm?” I asked.

“There’s a pretty good chance we’ll get overrun by the storm around sunset,” Rainbow Crash said. “I assume the weather patrol will deal with it.”

“The what?” one of the flutterponies asked.

“You know, the people who control the weather,” Rainbow Crash said very hesitantly.

“We lost our weather control powers when we became Flutterponies, but gained power over light,” the flutterpony said, now dancing in a circle and creating a rainbow as she danced; butterflies flew around her and birds took flight, then all dissolved as she stopped. “I think the Pegasi Corps can do stuff like that.” She had a colorwheel as her cutie mark.

One of the pegasi with us said, “We don’t have enough ponypower to cover all of Dream Valley, though. It takes a huge number of us to control really big weather patterns.” She studied the storm. “I don’t know if every Pegasus in Dream Valley combined could stop that.” He was blue with a black mane and his cutie mark was a golden eagle.

Rainbow Crash said, “Isn’t this like super-magic-kingdom place?”

“I’ve heard that our powers are much stronger here,” the flutterpony said thoughtfully. “Because we tap the magic of Glantri but the Pegasi are not adapted to the magic of Glantri.”

“Hey, we’re an important part of this land too, Light Show!” the Pegasus said angrily.

“Nothing personal, Keen Eye,” Light Show said, waving her hooves and looking apologetic. “That’s just what we learned in school.”

Rainbow Crash frowned, then said, “What exactly is the magic of Glantri?”

“Secret knowledge, hidden lore, the joy of discovery of new things,” Light Show said. “It’s why there are so many secret societies and the people who join them become more powerful.”

Like the one I joined, I realized. I need to finish reading the books they gave me.

“Are you in a secret society?” Rainbow Crash asked Light Show. “And why wouldn’t that work for pegasi?”

“It wouldn’t be a *secret* if I told you,” Light Show said cheerfully, circling us all with a trail of stars.

This must have to do with the weird magic I felt in the ground in the palace and here too. Does each country have its own magic? We didn’t get much into magical theory in school and I wouldn’t have paid attention, not being a Unicorn.

“But why not Pegasi?” Rainbow Crash said, flapping her wings and looking thoughtful.

Eagle Eyes mumbled something incoherent.

“Pegasi aren’t much into books, studying, lore, and all that,” Light Show said. “They want *action*.”

“In Equestria, the power of friendship drives our magic,” I said.

Everyone looked at me like I was a small child and I frowned. “It does!”

It suddenly struck me that the Flutterponies, with their light powers, are the ideal people to fend off the shadowy entropy stuff of the Adri Varna. Which is no doubt why they have the job.

Rainbow Crash mumbled something about skill and hard work.

“What was that?” I asked her. At least she didn’t mock me with her eyes.

“I am the Element of Excellence, and my power comes from my hard work and my building my skills by practice, practice, practice,” Rainbow Crash said louder.

The other ponies nodded approvingly; I felt good for Crash but more annoyed they had looked at me so skeptically.

“You were really incredible,” Eagle Eyes said, coming a little closer to Crash as we flew around. “And you’re so fast too.”

“Yeah, we don’t have the raw speed of a Pegasus,” Light Show confessed. “Our wings aren’t sturdy enough to sustain that high a speed.”

I wonder how fast I could go.

We ended up having a race; I was ahead of the flutterponies, but while I kept up with the pegasi at first, around the time I hit the best speed I could do, they all suddenly fired off like rockets at high speed with Crash as much ahead of them as they were ahead of me. I was amazed by it.

Eagle Eyes circled back to me. “I guess you don’t know how to slipstream because you’ve never been a Pegasus before,” he said hesitantly. “You were keeping up until we hit the slip barrier.”

“I can’t use the magics of my form, just the physical.” I told him. “I’m probably stronger than you like this but I can’t do Pegasus magic like that.”

“I guess you couldn’t do dragon breath as a dragon, then,” he said thoughtfully.

“Yes. Though I have a few candy that could fake it once or twice.”

Rainbow Crash now studied me in an odd way, circling me slowly. “Eagle Eyes, Rock Lobster, come here.”

Rock Lobster was a male Pegasus with a pink coat and a red mane and a cutie mark of a lobster playing a guitar. I have no idea what his cutie mark *does*.

They hurriedly whispered, then they flew into a triangle formation around me. “Bon-Bon, I’m going to need you to fly as fast as you can,” Rainbow Crash said very seriously. “Put all your Earth Pony strength into it.”

I licked my lips nervously. “Okay.”

Then we began zooming forward, faster, faster, faster; I could feel air pile up in front of me; this has to be the slip barrier. But now they began to spin like turbines; I felt the air churn and wash across me and suddenly, the barrier was gone; I could see rainbow streaks of light glowing along the edge of the triangle and inside it, the air was clear and easy to move through and we blazed over Dream Valley at incredible speed, passing over a huge fortress/palace, which I assume is where the Princess lives and heading onwards towards another fortress, which guards the mountain pass that lets you enter the rest of Glantri from Dream Valley.

It was maybe the most incredible thing I’ve ever done in my life and I suddenly understood why Pegasi love being Pegasi. This sense of freedom is so incredible.

The fortress, oddly, was staffed with people who looked rather Thyatian. Why would Thyatians be working in a fortress in Glantri?

Whatever the reason, they panicked as we circled the fortress and turned around to go back, but by the time they go do anything, we were long gone.

To our surprise, Countess Rosedust and Princess Luna were out on the edge of the aerie, watching us, as we returned. I hoped we were not in trouble.

We coasted to a halt in front of them and Rainbow Crash said, “Hey, ladies,” nervously.

“I just got a complaint about you from the Castellan of Fortress Ylourgne,” Countess Rosedust said sternly. “Eagle Eyes, Rock Lobster, harassing the Caurenzians is strictly forbidden!”

“Yeah, but we figured out a new trick!” Rock Lobster said proudly. “I bet we could move a bunch of Flutterponies quickly with it.”

“It was my idea,” Rainbow Crash said, moving up close to her. “The rest of them were just helping me out. I figured out how to make a joint slipstream so flyers who can’t make one could fly along with us.”

“That could be useful,” Countess Rosedust said thoughtfully. “But avoid the fortress. I do not need more trouble with the Caurenzians.”

“Yes, Countess,” Rock Lobster said and saluted.

But she soon had her people executing this move on various scales while I went to rest and Rainbow Crash talked to Princess Luna.

************************

Lyra’s Lyric:

Caurenzians? Fortress Ylourgne is right next to New Averoigne on the other side of the pass; Caurenze is over 100 miles away! I felt quite confused by why it would be full of them; the Caurenzians are exiles from Thyatis who fled here after losing out in a civil war. They’re not very nice people at all, prone to things like poisoning you for looking at them funny.

Man, I missed out on something really cool; I was just hanging out and talking to people. Which was fun, but it wasn’t ‘let’s invent something new!’

“So what’s the plan?” I asked Luna eagerly.

“We will return to Equestria,” she said. “Strange things are afoot and I must go where I cannot take you.”

To Pandius, where the Immortals have a hidden city on the moon! I would give my left foreleg to see that!

“I do have work calling but we can stay if you need us,” Bon-Bon said.

“I have asked enough of you, my little ponies,” Princess Luna said, sounding a little sad. “I may need to call upon you again, but for now, you need to rest and recover.” She shivered, glancing off towards the plateau, though we were all inside in her guest room.

“And I should report on this to Princess Marjorie,” Rainbow Crash said.

Dragonfly was now whispering to Bon-Bon about something and they talked quietly.

Damn, I was ready for more adventure, creepy as that place is.

Spike, who was riding on Cadence, said, “Should I tell Twilight to expect you, Princess?”

“Yes,” Princess Luna said.

Spike wrote a quick note and burned it.

Well, I do need to try and get some decent songs written; it’s less than a month to the Running of the Leaves, after all.

*******************

Spike’s Saga:

Right when Princess Luna, Cadence and I walked into the library in Ponyville, I suddenly realized we had left Twilight’s balloon in GLANTRI.

“The BALLOON!”

“I have it,” Luna said, magicking a tiny balloon out of her bags. “Twilight can just dispel this when she needs to use it again.”

“Hi! Twilight’s having a conniption fit and Rarity’s trying to help her shop while I library it up,” Dinky said cheerfully. She was wearing a professor mortarboard hat for some reason. “Watch this!” She made a cloud of bubbles, stepped onto it and rode it up to the high shelves. “Now I can get any book down!” she said proudly.

I sighed. “Twilight doesn’t even know where half the stores in town are, since I do the shopping more than her.”

“I’ve been trying to help her but I kind of got buried under the paper order,” Dinky said, landing her cloud, which I could see Cadence was studying. “It was so heavy,” she mumbled.

“Twilight needs at least one ream of paper every three days,” I told Dinky. “Or she starts writing on anything flat. And that’s if she’s only doing light writing.”

I woke up with notes on the soles of my feet one time, though she was admittedly drunk.

“She ordered one hundred reams,” Dinky mumbled.

OWW. “What bond strength?”

“Bond what?” Dinky asked.

“Reams come in a bond strength which is their weight,” I said patiently. Don’t they teach kids anything in school? “Thicker, tougher paper has a higher bond rating.”

“It was all… papery,” she said vaguely, waving a hoof about.

Probably 24-bond; that’s Twilight’s usual. 20-bond sometimes gets rent if she writes furiously.

“Cadence, you should go find Twilight and help her. Spike, we need to talk in your room,” Luna said to me.

I’m not sure how Cadence is going to find her here when she’s only visited once and that was months ago… Well, Luna knows what she’s doing.

We went up to the bedroom; Twilight and I sleep in the same room, different beds. I will need a bigger one soon, after my next dragonsleep.

I sat on my bed, Luna laid out on the floor, stretching, then sat up. “Spike, I understand how you feel about Marcus and Rarity, but you need to let go of that or it will destroy you. I know all about hating someone so much that it consumes you,” she said softly, studying the wall and her voice toned very low and soft without its usual power.

I squirmed uncomfortably. I know… sort of… about how she became Nightmare Moon but this is totally different because Marcus is a horrible serial seducer and abandoner! Whereas Celestia was just… you know, I’m not sure how anyone could get that mad at Celestia.

“He’s a terrible person who is going to hurt Rarity,” I said angrily, squirming on my bed.

“That’s for Rarity to deal with, not you; you can’t live other people’s lives for them,” Luna said firmly to me. “And when you hold onto anger, you let entropy have a hold on you.” She shivered. “I’m going to tell you a story that hardly anyone knows, because I want you to understand, Spike.”

My eyes widened. “I… I don’t know if that’s wise, I have a big mouth sometimes.”

“I trust you to keep a secret,” she said, and then she started.

***************

Luna’s Secret:

In the sixth and fifth century BC, Orcs and other monsters ruled a huge swathe of land from here all the way to Karameikos and they only narrowly failed to conquer Karameikos. Celestia and I came to what is now Equestria to liberate it and we found the Elements of Harmony with the help of the Crystal Ponies, who had founded their empire with the help of the Elements. Celestia and I were not Immortals yet, but we were… not normal either. Our kingdom flourished and we achieved Immortality but the original element bearers died; every so often, a new group would be chosen by the elements. We remained strongly allied to the Crystal Ponies, though the distances and dangers of travel kept contact low for most Ponies.

Celestia and I developed a system where she ran the public side of government and I controlled the ‘Night Court’ which handled things out of the sight of the public, from bureaucratic work to espionage. I am no diplomat, unfortunately, but I am cunning in ways Celestia still is not, for all she tries.

But I began to resent that she received all the love and affection of the public and I did not, for no one saw what I did. Further, at times, I had to do terrible things to protect Equestria. Or so I told myself at the time.

I became bitter and frustrated; Celestia could keep her hooves clean and I could not. She was loved and I scared people.

That’s how Mother was able to get me to join Entropy. She loved me, though Mother’s love can be more dangerous than her hate. She always comforted me when I was frustrated and angry and eventually, I succumbed. I wanted to be loved, needed it, and she offered me that.

She played me like a violin.

And she did it because I held on to hate. I nurtured it and watered it. I associated only with people like Sombra, who fed my anger. He was frustrated with his Queen for the same reasons I was with Celestia. Counterpoint was kind and gentle and beloved, in part because people like him took care of the dirty work in the shadows.

We spent a lot of time being resentful together. He was no immortal, but he understood me and I understood him.

Or so I told myself.

We planned a double coup. His people would reinforce mine and then once Celestia was down and we’d seized all the Elements of Harmony, we’d seize the Crystal Empire too and unite them.

Mother told me that I had to be careful, that if I went beyond mortal power, the Council of Intrusion would come down on me like a bug. But I was overconfident; Sombra had allied himself to Thanatos as I had to Mother and we thought that Thanatos would keep the council off us. If only as revenge for what happened to his followers in Nithia.

I was wrong and I spent a thousand years sleeping in prison on the Moon as a result. Thanatos and Sombra betrayed me. Hule was invaded at the same time by Boreans and Mother was busy trying to save her people there when I was defeated by Celestia and the Elements and then tried and imprisoned.

I spent 1000 years sleeping and plotting revenge and Celestia spent 1000 years feeling guilty and trying to find a way to bring me back. And she did. She could have, should have hated me for what I did, betraying everything we worked for and turning on her, but she loved me.

But we can’t count on people loving us that much to save us from ourselves. I know Twilight would never give up on you Spike, but I don’t want you to end up like I did.

****************

Spike’s Saga The Return:

“What happened to Sombra?” I asked softly.

“I don’t know, for sure,” Luna told me. “Something went wrong, the Silver Palace vanished and then somehow, the Crystal Empire vanished. Uncle doesn’t know what happened to it; it wasn’t any direct act of the Immortals as a whole, though someone must know.” She frowned. “And now this business with spreading entropy and people often forgetting about it… Something is wrong and I have to find out.”

“You got really sick,” I told her.

Luna grimaced. “I know. Which means I can’t go in there myself as I should. But I will figure out something.” She rose. “The best thing for you is to move on. There are plenty of people your age who I am sure would find you a wonderful companion. Let go of your hate, before it devours you.”

I flopped onto my back, legs in the air. “It’s not so easy.”

“I know,” she said softly. “All my words are just words; Even Mother told me I needed to calm down in the end.” She sighed.

“Hey, Luna, you here?” Ivan shouted distantly.

“I’ll be down in a minute,” she shouted back, then smiled a sad smile.

“So… you and Ivan…” I said hesitantly.

“Fire is pretty, but when you’ve burned yourself on it, you get wary. Yet the beauty remains,” she said softly. “I don’t know. We shall see.”

That sounds like that stupid Ochelean book Twilight made me read. ‘The grass is green and the skies blue, yet water cannot fly and you cannot spend the grass.’ If that guy wasn’t stoned 24-7 on opium, I’ll eat my hat.

Then she headed downstairs, while I laid on my bed, lost in thought.

******************

Lyra’s Lyric:

“Another year turns / another cake burns / the leaves fall down / all over town,” Pinkie sang.

This was not great, but it STILL was better than anything I had thought of.

We were up in her room over Sugar Cube Corner. Then Pound Cake began chewing on Pinkie’s leg. I think he’s teething and he keeps mistaking Pinkie for food. She laughed, then pried him off; he’s a Pegasus, even though the Cakes are Earth Ponies. Their daughter, his twin, is a Unicorn! Magical genetics are messy. “Hey, eat this,” Pinkie said, shoving a cookie in his mouth and massaging her leg back into shape.

“You’re so patient. I think I’d go mad with kids,” I confessed.

“You’ll be a fine father,” Pinkie said, smiling.

“I’m a *mare*,” I told her. A little androgynous but Bon-Bon likes that.

Pinkie just smiled at me and now Pound Cake tried to crawl into her saddlebags. I pulled him out gently with magic. “So did you enjoy your adventure?”

“I had a great time, but now I have to work,” I said, then flopped out on the floor, legs in the air.

“I know, I know,” she said, gently patting Pound Cake and tucking him between a leg and her body. “But you have a cute fillyfriend to share it with.”

“I’m surprised you don’t have a coltfriend,” I told her.

“Oh, there was this soldier, but he couldn’t stay around…” She sighed. “I’m good at friendship but I never… my family was all ‘no touching anyone until marriage or even looking, really’, and I kind of never learned how to deal with stallions. I either hint and they don’t notice or I come on too strong and they move to Alphatia.” She paused. “That’s what his family said, anyway.”

Pound Cake began toddling towards Pinkie’s shelf of weird stuff and she pulled him back.

“Well, I do know some stallions,” I said hesitantly. I have to know everyone as the bard, and I get on well with stallions even if I’m not into them like that. Maybe *because*, so there’s no messy business between us about who may or may not sleep with who.

“Or was it Norwold…” Pinkie mused, then pulled Pound Cake away from her bookshelf. Not that he… well, he is a Pegasus, but I don’t think they can fly until later.

“So who is watching Pumpkin Cake?” I asked.

“Oh, I’m watching bo…”

There was a great and terrible silence.

“PUMPKIN CAKE WHERE ARE YOU!” Pinkie shouted and ran off to find her, while I followed, keeping Pound Cake suspended in the air.

If you have ever wondered, a baby Unicorn can try to eat ten pounds of sugar, but it won’t actually *work* very well.

Pinkie and I worked on my music for a while once we had both kids; I had to meet Bon-Bon later for dinner, but I had time to wander around; you can’t see Vanya this time of day but I looked up at the sky and wondered how much of the books are true and how much is false and if I will ever find out one day.

I want to go there for a long visit. See if he’s real. I want to sail the canals and cross the deserts and fight angry fire-lion-scorpion beetles in an arena.

And I think one day I will. With Bon-Bon by my side. Whatever happens, we’ll face it together.

But she *has* to stop calling them Potato People!

At least Pinkie believes it too. Admittedly, she also believes the Seaponies only sing Do-Wop and I had to try to explain otherwise to her.

Man, I do admit this.

I am totally going to enjoy sitting… I almost forgot!

This poses a problem, as it was unwise of me to accept a letter to deliver to Rainbow Dash, when she lives up in a flying house.

So I had to go to plan B, where I bought a paper cup and filled it with water, lifted it up to her house and dumped it on her head as she slept on her front porch.

“Dash, I have a letter for you!” I shouted.

She flew down and shook herself off on me while I laughed. “Since when did you deliver mail?”

“Since I ran into Gilda in Glantri,” I said softly.

Dash froze and I tossed her the letter.

Dash finally breathed out. “So she’s working as a bodyguard. Is she… okay?”

“Well, I’d say the people we fought together were a lot less okay than her in the end,” I told Dash.

“You fought… you and Gilda fought…” Dash was vibrating, producing small chaotic puffs of wind.

So I told her the whole story.

“You going back any time soon?” Dash asked hesitantly.

“I think Bon-Bon is going to study for a permanent license from the Great School to facilitate selling her candies there and things,” I told Dash. “We’ll have to go at some point. So what exactly happened, anyway?”

Then Dash told me *her* story.

“And now you’re a teacher and she’s a bodyguard,” I said.

“And you’re teaching too, you know,” Dash said.

“….” I totally forgot about that; they want better music training and I am the Town Bard.

Dash began rolling around laughing and pointing.

I think I had better get to work.

******************

Bon-Bon’s Becoming:

It was nice to be home; When Lyra came back from the library, we simply went out to eat for dinner, since we had nothing fresh to cook with; I’ll have to go shopping tomorrow. Lyra was going to work on her songs and prepare for teaching soon, but I had a mission.

I headed over to Berry’s house and knocked on the door.

Pinchy answered; her proper name is Ruby Pinch, but it’s her nickname. The same way Dinky is short for some thirty syllable long name I cannot even pronounce, or so Time Turner claims. She looked larger than I remembered her. But it’s been… it hasn’t been that long, has it?

Anyway, Pinchy’s a good kid. “Aunt Bon-Bon, you’re back!” she said, hugging me tightly.

“This is for you,” I said, pulling a badly wrapped present out of my saddlebags. Herr Rolf is a great alchemist and golem maker but even with hands, he is no good at wrapping.

Neither am I, so she probably thought I wrapped it.

“Oh wow!” she said excitedly and tore it open with her magic; it was a little golem-pony, made of red gold. “What’s his name?”

“You get to name him,” I told her.

“Then I name him Iron Pony!” she said excitedly.

He whinnied and she smiled and let me in, running around the living room with him; he’s really scaled more for a foal to play with but there wasn’t time to make something bigger. But Pinchy had fun anyway.

“Pinchy, what are you…” Berry Punch began, galloping out from the kitchen to the living room. She lives over her shop, which is down below us; I came in the back way. She also has a farm house for her, well, farm, where she grows her berries and grapes.

“Hi, Berry,” I said, laying out the present I got her. “This is magically preserved, but only until you open it.” Prince Jaggar said it was laid down by a dragon who made wine!

She opened it and stared. “I could buy half the farms in Ponyville for the cost of this!”

She has to be exaggerating; Prince Jaggar wouldn’t even let me pay for it.

“Well, you can keep it in case of fiscal crisis, then,” I said hesitantly.

“Come in, I’ll open something for you,” she said. We sat in the kitchen and had grape juice with Pinchy; she’s brewing up some huge stewpot of something, though it’s kind of late for dinner and enough for ten ponies.

I told her about my adventures and she shared the latest town gossip. Berry hears just about everything that happens. “The oddest thing is that some mare in a leather jacket with badges all over it came into town, beat up Ponet and then left. No one knows who she is, why she came here, what she wanted, what he did to her, nothing. Then some stallion with an umbrella dragged her off and they were never seen again. Not that he didn’t have it coming,” Berry said, grimacing.

“Oh yeah,” I agreed.

Pinchy began running amok with her toy and ran right out of the room.

“I was worried that was too young for her; she’s growing up so fast,” I said softly.

“She may hate it tomorrow. She’s at that stage where you kind of bounce back and forth and today you want to be an adult and tomorrow, you want to be a little kid,” Berry said softly, staring into her cup.

“Is there a colt?” I asked softly.

“Not yet, but she’ll likely have colts all over her soon; you can see how big she’s getting,” Berry said, sounding worried. Berry was the first one of our class to get a cutie mark and then she just grew like crazy.

“Is she old enough to be alone for an hour or two?” I asked thoughtfully.

“I wish I could go out but I have to be responsible, because when I’m not some disaster happens,” Berry said, sounding frustrated. “You were lucky, Bon-Bon.”

I know. I know. “Come outside with me,” I told her.

“Pinchy!” she shouted.

Pinchy skidded into the room with Iron Pony trying to keep up. “Yeah, Mom?”

“We’re going outside,” she told Pinchy.

“Okay!” Pinchy said and went running off.

We went outside and down the back ramp, through the alley behind some houses to the street.

“Does everyone dress like that in Glantri?” she asked softly.

“They often dress fancier than this,” I told her, suddenly realizing I was still in one of the dresses Rarity had made for me; I need to find out how to wash them properly; I’m not used to fancy materials.

You know how you hear a train coming and then it passes you and then it goes past you and the whistle sound it makes changes? This happened to us just as Berry was about to say something. But it wasn’t a train, it was Rarity wailing incoherently. She was chasing what appeared to be some sort of high speed mobile bundle of cloth, roughly the size and shape of a filly, which was somehow flying just above the ground at high speed and also screaming.

Distantly, I heard Sweetie shouting something incoherent too but she couldn’t keep up with either of these things.

Berry just stared, and I decided to wait for them to pass; I think maybe Scootaloo had somehow become swaddled in cloth and was fleeing that way.

I never found out what happened.

That’s okay.

Once they were gone, I said to her softly, “Ever wondered what it’s like to fly?”

“Pegasi make it look awesome,” Berry said. “I rode a Pegasus one time, it was pretty cool and terrifying at once.” She looked up at the sky; clouds gently drifted on an east wind but you could see the declining moon and the stars.

I pulled out two lemon candies. “Want to find out?”

Her eyes widened. “What’s this?”

“Earth pony magic,” I said, smiling. Then I ate one and turned into a Pegasus.

She stared, eyes wide.

“Just think about turning into a Pegasus,” I told her.

Blam, Pegasus Berry!

So I took her up to Rainbow Dash’s house and told her about what Crash had figured out. “Oh wow,” she said thoughtfully. “We do use a variation on that for formation flying but of course, normally anyone we fly with wouldn’t *need* it. But I bet that would help anyone using Twilight’s spell or your candy or…”

Pretty soon, she got two other pegasi and we all did it together, so Berry could see what speed is REALLY like.

It’s a rush, I have to confess.

Then I took her home; she was utterly wiped out but it felt wonderful. “If people had tried to kill us, that would be my whole trip in a nutshell.”

“Alchemy society, hmm, well, I am a chemist, one could say…” She said hesitantly.

“We’ll see,” I told her. “I’m just an initiate, but I expect we’ll have a branch in Equestria as it comes along.” I gave her a hug. “I have a ton of work to catch up on, but it was worth it.”

A while back, Lyra forced me to read the first Tom Wagonmaker book, potato-people and all. Though I guess maybe I misread something as that world looked terrible for potatoes. But there was one bit I liked, the end.

No, not… okay, because it was the end. But also, I thought it was kind of wise. It said that every time you go on a journey, you can never return, because the ‘you’ that comes back is different.

Edmund Wheatfurrows was right. I am Bon-Bon the ordinary pony, and I am Bon-Bon the party girl, even if she mostly has to sleep for now, and I am Lady Bon-Bon of Ponyville, who gives lectures to wizards and Lady Bon-Bon of the First Circle of Alchemy and Phoenix-Bon and Bon-Bon the Pegasus and many other things besides. I have changed, I am changing, and I will change in the future. Everything changes.

My candy art always changes and now it lets me change my form as I need, while time and trial change what lies inside me. I was never ‘just’ an ordinary pony. Maybe no one is. And that’s why Celestia sent Lyra and I on that trip in the Moonraker. She saw what we could become.

Does that make us special? Or does it just mean we chose to step up to the plate when we had to? I don’t know.

I thought about that plateau and the evil stirring there. Not my problem for now, but I doubt we have seen the last of that. But I leave it to the Princess. I may not be ordinary but I’m not up to dealing with something like that under my own initiative.

Yet.

The End For Now

Short Story Six: Against the Morons

Short Story Six: Against the Morons

Cunning Thought’s Entirely Honest Journal:

Immortals don’t need to sleep but I sometimes choose to, partly to confuse people but also because I find it helps me order my thoughts.

So I went to sleep, while manifesting one of my avatars, Bogdozan, in Hule, asleep, in front of a provincial High Priest, Icthar. Mostly I wanted to see what he would do. He made up, on the spot, a sermon about how this means Bogdozan wants us to strike at our sleeping enemies while they are vulnerable. And that we should *not* sleep, not lose vigilance.

I could tell he wanted to rifle through my pockets, but wasn’t *that* bold. I like him. I decided to keep an eye on him and crafted a Watching Eye and left it, invisible, to study him and report in after a week.

I most easily scry through fire, but like any Immortal, I can make things to serve my purposes. Since it doesn’t do anything beyond the reach of Mortals, it won’t draw the Council of Intrusion down on me.

If Icthar finds it and turns it into a servant, he will *definitely* bear watching.

I did a quick scan for Storm Soldiers and other morons of Thanatos; the whole city was free of them. Good.

No sign of Sombra, either, who is still locked up, while Odin is busy stuffing himself with cheese or whatever he is doing. Probably looking for omens and the like. He’s one of the last survivors of the Immortal Storm and I know he fears another one will come in the future.

I just know that if all goes well, Thanatos won’t be around for it.

If all goes well. I laughed at myself for even thinking that.

I slept and let myself dream; I could tell you what I dreamed of, but that would tell you too much if you’re sneaking in and reading this, Ivan.

Of course, I might be making this all up. How would you tell?

He hasn’t tried to read my five hundred year diaries yet, which disappoints me. Admittedly, he would have to *find* them.

Only the totally fake version is easy to find. I think I went kind of overboard on it.

This one stupid hero really did believe that I rode a meteor down from the Great Girdle, destroying Blackmoor with it, though.

Being eaten by a giant weasel was a just fate for him and I only wish I could take the credit. Djaea didn’t even MEAN to kill him off.

Allegedly, but then how did her alleged pet get loose, then get into a dungeon in the Broken Lands?

I tried to investigate once, but it got so implausible I decided I was better off not knowing.

I’m not a self-mutilator for knowledge like Odin.

Once I’d done enough brainstorming, then I decided I had to go see Far Sight. It’s been too long. And with Odin gone, I only have to worry about Thor catching me, which is very unlikely.

*****************

Or about Heimdall, who I of course forgot still exists, because he is so boring. What use is immortality if you spend it being a border guard?

I need to figure out how he worked Plane Shift into grappling and throwing; I flew off Bifrost and then somehow found myself above Thyatis City, where I of course crashed into a garbage dump.

It may involve psionics, the loser version of magic favored by the Sphere of Thought, of which Heimdall is a member, along with Odin, who is the boss. But Odin also has his own multi-Sphere Cabal of Immortals with an interest in the Northern Reaches.

I shifted form to an old woman, a bag lady, so as to avoid attracting attention, before I made it to the baths. I could clean myself with magic, but I felt the need for a good soak. I was going to have to smuggle a message to Far Sight, but how?

Normally, I could easily do it with magic, but Odin has wards around his hideyhole, which he deludes himself will weather the next Immortal Storm. I myself suspect that if he is right and another one comes, the ancient powerful Immortals will be the first to get slaughtered.

I could smuggle myself in as a shipment of grain again. That either got past Heimdall or he let me go because it amused him. Hmm, maybe I could fake being some fruit. Frigga loves fruit.

I tried sending Far Sight a message, as it’s entirely possible that he’s actually out on a mission. He lounges around Valhalla more than is good for him, but Odin’s Titans do get plenty of work.

Lost in thought, I failed to realize I had walked into a big man in scalemail, a mace on his hip and a shield on his back, under the big white surcoat with a black rimmed yellow lightning bolt on the front he was wearing over his armor. *A Storm Soldier*!

There were five of them.

Because I had assumed a mortal identity to avoid trouble with the Council of Intrusion, and because I am too much of a method actor for my own good, I fell to the ground as he slapped my face. “Out of the way, you old bitch! Yield for the men of Hattias!”

Ahh, Storm Soldiers. The most worthless trash on a planet which is overrun with amazingly stupid people. Being proud of your heritage as a man of Hattias (one of the provinces of Thyatis, founded by one of the three tribes that fled there like whipped puppies nigh on 2000 years ago, after being whipped in Davania) is like being proud that you successfully ate a piece of bread, yet acting like you just killed Tiamat with a spoon.

“Mercy!” I cried out. “Mercy on an old woman!”

I could turn to one of my other mortal forms, but this is going to be more satisfying. I cringed as he kicked me down and then kicked me more; I screamed in pain; at first, his companions approved, but then they looked around and saw the growing angry crowd surrounding them and tried to get him to stop.

He finally had enough, relieving whatever stress had made him keep going after the slap in the first place, only to see he was surrounded by hundreds of angry people in togas or work clothes.

“This foreign bitch attacked me! She got what she deserved!” he said angrily.

“GET THEM!” someone shouted as I cringed pathetically.

Friendly hands helped me up, though I noticed *three* people all tried to steal the money pouch I had forgotten to actually conjure. I’m too used to not needing money. Sloppy. They got me to a bench, dusted me off, and I got to watch the mob beat up those fools, while three women tried to comfort me and asked me my name.

“My name is Ignisius Aurelia and I am a Thyatian Citizen from Specularum, though my mother was Karameikan, but my father was of the Thyatian garrison and brought us home with him when he finished his tour of duty,” I lied.

My actual father died several thousand years ago, squashed flat by a Fire Giant, the worst thing being that I don’t think it actually noticed it had killed him. It did notice when I eventually found it, killed it, trapped its soul in a jar and gave it to demons to play with forever.

I should check on his misery and make sure some idiot didn’t misfile him again.

“Now all my children are grown and my husband is dead and I have to scrape by on what they can do for me and his pension. He was slain fighting the Alphatians on the Isle of Dawn ten years ago.” Real war, but of course this husband never existed.

Having finished beating up the Storm Soldiers, the mob dispersed as actual Soldiers of the Watch began to arrive. I told them my sob story about how I had been robbed and thrown in the garbage dump and they, plus the ladies, were kind enough to give me some money, more than I expected. Thyatians… can sometimes be super-generous and sometimes tight-fisted. But I know how to play people like a violin.

I could *make* them do it, but when you have been an immortal as long as me, you avoid controlling minds because it is boring. And sooner or later, backfires; mind-controlled people get stupid.

And sometimes the Council of Intrusion gets pissy about it. I would rather not spend time in time out for a century or three.

I then went and got myself a bath at the bathhouse and let my new friends pamper me, while my brain tried to think of a clever way to get in contact with Far Sight.

While I soaked in hot water, I used the fire heating it to do a scrying on the Cutie Mark Crusaders. I’m sorry, the *Immortality Mark Crusaders* now. They were busy doing homework and complaining about it. I both appreciate their desire for freedom and wish I had that opportunity as a kid. But I grew up in a radically different situation of being a human in a society that mixed farming and killing each other for no reason with periodic massacres by giants.

Where I didn’t fit in because I wasn’t good at stabbing and I was never going to be strong. My talent was magic, but only women practiced magic, the witches, and they didn’t take male students. Basically, the male ideal was to be Thor and I was never going to be Thor.

I met Thor before he was Thor, by the way. He was just as stupid and violent and prone to idiot grudges then too.

The absolute best thing about my daughters’ kingdom is that they don’t celebrate big stupid violent lug-heads like Thor.

Dinky now looked up. “We’re being scried! We’ve been made!” She dove under the nearby bed… I think this is Sweetie’s room at her other sister’s place, Doctor Snow Belle.

“What? We’re doing *homework*,” Scootaloo said. “It’s totally boring but who would bust us for that?”

If I was using Immortal power, they couldn’t notice me, but I’m actually impressed that Dinky could tell. And a little disappointed in Sweetie, who finally looked up from the book I think she had fallen asleep on. “Maybe Twilight is making sure we’re actually doing our homework.”

I popped through the fireplace, transforming in the process into Cunning Thought. “It’s me, my friends. Sorry to pop in when you’re busy.”

Sweetie hugged me, Twist and Apple Bloom waved and Dinky crawled out from under the bed. Scootaloo nodded, then asked, “Tell me you’re good at geometry?”

“You’re not?” I said, actually surprised for real for once. Usually I am faking it. “That’s normally an area where pegasi excel.”

“I’m good at *real* geometry, like how to do the best arc from where you are to where you want to go, but this is all words and line drawings and things with names,” she said, grimacing at the papers and the textbook.

“Look, lemnas are not a kind of food,” Apple Bloom said. “This ain’t hard, but you keep making it that way.”

“I finished mine and moved on to composition,” Sweetie said.

“You moved on to napping,” Scootaloo grumbled.

“I’m having a hard time with it too,” Twist confessed. “I can do regular math, but this is Unicorny stuff.”

And that’s how I, one of the high ranking Immortals of Entropy, gave a lesson in geometry to a group of fillies on their way to being mares. Since this required only a tiny part of my brain, I put the rest to work trying to figure out some way to contact Far Sight that Heimdall would not notice and would not be as annoyingly slow as Immortal Mail somehow always is, despite being run by *Immortals*.

What exactly is the Sphere of Time for, if not for this?

*************

Doctor Snow Belle entered with a tray of snacks and drinks floating in the air. She blinked at me. “Who are you?” she asked, confused.

I rose and bowed to her. “I am sorry to intrude, I am Celestia’s Mother, Cunning Thought.”

Her eyes widened and she dropped down to bow…. Pony bow… but the tray remained floating perfectly. Well done, young lady.

“You need not bow,” I said grandly. “I just dropped by to help them out, as they are friends of mine.”

“She’s very nice,” Sweetie said. She trusts so easily, which I fear will be the death of her one day.

But it makes her and her friends perfect for my plan.

Which I cannot discuss with Far Sight if I cannot *get ahold of him*.

I suddenly wondered if Spike could send a message to Far Sight. Can he cross planes?

My message would be intercepted but if Spike is the sender… maybe I can teach Sweetie how to do it. She will likely need it in the future. Or Dinky but Dinky is harder to read and more likely to do something insane.

Ahh, what a good idea.

“They really nee…” Then Doctor Snow Belle shut up. She probably was going to say ‘work it out themselves’. Which most of them can, but it pays to give out unneeded favors sometimes, so that when you need a favor, they owe you.

“I need Sweetie and maybe Dinky too to help me with something after this, but their homework must come first.” I said.

“Well, here is snacks and drinks,” Doctor Snow Belle said. “I’ll get more for you, your highness.”

Then she fled, hooves clattering loudly on the wooden floor.

I grew up with a dirt floor. I don’t think anyone even imagined the idea of a wooden floor.

“Oooh, what do you need me to do?”

“I want to teach you how to send messages with fire magic,” I said. “My apologies to the non-unicorns. I suppose if Apple Bloom pays attention, though, she might find a way to do it with a device.”

“I don’t *need* magic to carry a message,” Scootaloo said dismissively.

Twist now got a cunning look, which surprised me as she is not prone to being cunning. But how could I not approve of that? If she has some way for an Earth Pony to make this work, all the better.

“But first, we finish the homework so we can go somewhere less flammable,” I told her.

“You know, Spike can already do that trick,” Dinky pointed out.

“Yes, but he has his own duties and I hardly need to teach *him*,” I told her.

She suspects something. Good girl. I need them to fall for my tricks, but not other people’s tricks; this will be a tricky needle to thread.

We soon had even more snacks and drinks and we all went back to work to get that homework defeated.

*****************

Against the Morons: A Luna, Ivan, and Cunning Thought Story
A D&D (Mystara) / My Little Ponies: Friendship is Magic crossover
Part of the Mystara’s Little Ponies: Friendship is Adventuring canon.

By John Biles

***************

Cunning Thought’s Journal Continues:

At Crusaders HQ, I put up a fireproofing spell; Dinky pointed out the library has one. If I kept a dragon in my house, I would do the same.

Another one of my avatars now informed me that five of mine and Rathanos’ babies had escaped again. Rathanos was off pontificating at his followers again and had not noticed, because he is still an idiot.

So I told my avatar to round them up once they do some damage, but not too much. I need Rathanos to not give up on them, so they will have the most chances to wreck everything.

My dear little children.

I then began teaching Sweetie. She picked up the trick very quickly to my surprise and pleasure; Dinky had a harder time. Apple Bloom watched it with goggles on, then began a frenzy of making plans; I watched curiously. Immortals have vast power, but we can’t do *everything*, not even a Hierarch. And I am terrible at making things. However, I have found an out… I can give birth to things which are far more perfect than I could create from scratch.

The downside, of course, is attachment. Even Thanatos, who in the end, wants to reduce all of creation to nothing, has more sentimental attachment to his puppets and minions than he would ever admit.

Scootaloo buzzed about, bored, but unwilling to abandon her friends. Twist watched curiously, but remained contemplative and quiet.

I could feel Applejack distantly; she is like… I fear if we touched, we would both explode, destroying half of Brun. Admittedly, that would be *amazing* to see and I would just move to another avatar, but the Council of Intrusion would definitely lock me up for an amazingly long time and strip most of my power too.

It still tempts me.

But I can’t leave now. I have to at least try this. “Okay, try sending this message,” I said, conjuring a scroll. “To Far Sight.” I created a little image of him, tall and noble with a pure white coat with a cutie mark of a flaming eye. It’s a fake, but everyone expects Ponies to have one, so he plays along, because he is wise. He predates Cutie Marks.

They all got big eyes, even Scootaloo and… damn me, they’re all old enough to find a handsome stallion attractive. He is vastly too old for them. He would never do something stupid with someone halfway to maredom but they certainly might.

“Holy moley, is he your coltfriend?” Sweetie asked.

How can she…

Applejack approaching.

“He is an old friend of mine. Unfortunately, he lives in Valhalla and Heimdall hates me, so he is confiscating all the messages I send to Far Sight,” I told them. “He is a Titan in service to Sleipnir, my dear son.” Who is off with Odin or he could alert Far Sight for me.

Sweetie concentrated and the scroll burst into flame. Hopefully, Heimdall will let it go by.

Applejack drew closer. Before she arrived, I got a reply to meet in the usual place. I licked my lips at that. “Thanks, Sweetie,” I said, hugging her. “Thanks all of you. I have to go now.”

“Booty call time,” Scootaloo said, trying to sound grown up and cynical because she’s at that age.

I remember that age, though I’d rather forget it.

Hopefully, Scootaloo would never have to see a Fire Giant squash her father flat.

I laughed. “I will see you all later. Give my love to Applejack.” Then I vanished in a poof of flame.

********************

There was a town here once, though it’s long gone; civilization has waxed and waned in the Northern Reaches many times. It’s on the rise again in Vestland; once, long ago, giants ruled these mountains and oppressed both humans and the Ponies who dwelt here. This valley in the Makkrest Mountains was once home to a village. Far Sight’s village; I was born far to the north; I think where I was born is in the Heldann Freeholds now, ruled over by Vanya’s trash gang.

It’s just forest now; together, we were able to set Far Sight’s people free and I got the daughters I wanted, and a son I wasn’t looking for, but love anyway. Most importantly, Sleipnir was able to ensure his father went on as a Titan and for all that Odin drives me crazy, I know he couldn’t be much safer than Odin’s stupid, mail-proof fortress.

Damn you, Heimdall.

I could see Norvikk from here. I’m curious if Vestland will beat the odds or if the Northmen will fuck everything up *again*. I’m betting on fucking everything up. Too many Thors and not enough cunning folk like me.

But Vestland does seem to be trying to move beyond ‘I must kill you because my Uncle called your Uncle a whalefucker twenty years ago and then my Uncle hacked yours to pieces, so you chopped my sister into one inch cubes’.

Still, most of Vestland west of the Vestfjord and south of the coast is wilderness now. There are ambitious men who have raised strongholds here and perhaps one day, the wilderness will retreat and this valley will once again hear the songs of sowing and reaping and smoke will curl gently upwards from hundreds of chimneys.

But not today. We meet here to remind ourselves of what was and what we have lost.

Far Sight understands loss like I do, even more than our children, who were never helpless, like we once were. We cannot go home again.

“Are you pretending to be melancholy again?” he asked, amused, and I nearly jumped out of my skin. Only an Immortal can really sneak up on an Immortal, unless we fail to pay attention, or the limits of mortal senses betray us in a mortal body, like this one.

But he is Immortal now, just a Titan, but that’s good enough. He was born an Earth Pony, but he is an Alicorn now, like all of our family.

“You got the message,” I said, nuzzling him. He was wearing scalemail, which surprised me because normally the Ponies in Valhalla wear chainmail over a quilt (without the quilt, any blow drives metal rings into your flesh, which is why no one actually wears chainmail bikinis, not even those idiot Valkyries).

His eyes followed mine. “A gift from Kagyar for favors I did him; it reflects magical energy attacks back upon their user.”

What on… I didn’t hear anything about this at all? “What did you do for Kagyar?” I asked curiously. “Oh… have you heard about my new babies? They’re driving Rathanos insane. Even though they’re exactly what he’s always wanted, but not.” I giggled with delight.

“So you’re the mother? One of them somehow got into Valhalla and burned Thor’s Chariot; he’s enraged. I should have known,” he said, sounding amused.

Oh, THAT is where Lawrence got off to! I couldn’t find him for three days and neither could Rathanos. How did he even get all the way to Valhalla? The only direct link from Pandius to Valhalla is when Odin orders Bifrost to connect to Pandius and then you have to get past Heimdall and there’s no way one of my little babies snuck past Heimdall when *I* could not.

I will have to reward him for his great deed, though. What do you get for a baby fire being, anyway? Something interesting to burn, maybe?

“And I’m afraid it’s a secret,” Far Sight said.

He has to know I am going to go crazy until I find out. I love secrets as long as they’re not secret from me.

“So who is this ‘Sweetie Belle’? One of your priestesses in Thule?” he asked me.

“You’d better sit down,” I told him, conjuring a large blanket with his holy symbol and mine on it. Well, his ‘cutie mark’ and mine, which is also my holy symbol.

We sat down, I conjured wine and I began talking. This would take a while.

*****************

“You think…” Far Sight looked around, then said softly, “Can you be sure no one is watching?”

No. “You can never be sure but I did put up wards. It won’t stop, say, Korotiku, but we’re as safe as can be outside my home but I know it’s got spies,” I told him. At least three of my servants are traitors, but since I know who, I can use them to feed lies to my enemies.

“You really think it can work?” he asked softly.

“I hate to quote *him*, but nothing ventured, nothing gained,” I told Far Sight; I felt a wave of nausea at quoting that smug bastard who muscled in on *my* project, but I couldn’t think of a better way.

Far Sight studied me and I couldn’t read him. His eyes… was he using his power?

“You could cease to exist, you know. This could make a huge mess,” he said softly. “We are making a huge gamble.”

“I know. It’s why you have to come with me and visit our children now, before I start making the final preparations. And you know, I *like* messes.” I made myself smile because you can never show weakness.

I now fondly remembered the time I trapped Jubilex in a prison plane and took his place for a decade, sending his worshippers to basically make a mockery of every formal event I could get them to, until that idiot Sinbad somehow *found and freed* Jubilex.

What kind of idiot goes to great effort to save Jubilex?

I suppose he probably thought there was a fair maiden or great treasure… dammit, I could have bound Jubilex into the form of a fair maiden to sucker any rescuers and I didn’t even think about it!!!

I suppose it would be hard to bind a Titan like that without the Orb of the Hierarchs. It can do a lot of things to Immortals that are normally impossible, but it requires all five to cooperate to make it work, so it’s only used for High Crimes against the laws of the Immortals.

If the story is true, though it may be a lie, the reason Mystara has a skyshield is that long ago, the Immortals punished a Titan named Atlas by making him hold it up for a thousand years. And they created it to punish him with that. I can sort of believe it, but why is it still around if the punishment is long over?

I suspect it’s a lie to cover up some fuckup that means Mystara needs the skyshield so its atmosphere doesn’t go awol. It may be related to the Rain of Colorless Fire that destroyed Blackmoor.

“Go to Equestria?” he said weakly.

“You haven’t been to see them since Luna was *released from Prison*,” I said chidingly.

“I couldn’t go! I was on an important mission with the Valkyries!,” he protested.

“Busy being ridden by Brynhildr. I bet you enjoyed that,” I said. “More than seeing your daughter free after a thousand years.” Drive those knives in.

“I am not into humans!” he protested. “I am in service to Odin and when he commands, I go.”

I suspect this was Odin’s subtle way of snubbing me. Thor, by contrast, showed up to call us both whores. Luna is not a whore.

If anything, she’s driving me crazy with her refusal to bang her coltfriend. I did something wrong raising that girl.

Fortunately, Thor was not bright enough to figure out my connection to the Spelljammer crew that barbequed and ate his chariot goats after they found a way to fall off the Moon into the void during the ceremony. I don’t think Thor ever caught them.

I’m quite proud of how I engineered that, but no one will ever know, except you, Ivan, assuming you’re reading this and I didn’t catch you. Or anyone else clever enough to get to this.

“Since you’re not on a mission now, then we can go see Celestia and Luna and their coltfriends,” I told him firmly.

His eyes narrowed. Like too many men, he assumes anyone who likes his daughters is scum. They’re far too old for that to be a good assumption, so I couldn’t help but smile. “I’m not sure why Celestia is into Big Mac, but he’s a huge Earth Pony Stallion who grows apples and Ivan is a Karameikan human on the road of the Epic Hero. Reminds me of you, really.”

“You said that about Sombra too,” he said, frowning.

Now I laughed nervously. “Yes, but he’s not connected to Thanatos, but to Full Moon.” Why does Luna have to date one of that bastard’s students???

But now he’ll glare at Ivan and make him jumpy, which I find amusing.

For a moment, I had a feeling I was forgetting something, but I let it be. I’ll remember if it matters.

“Well, I don’t have a current mission, so I can do it,” he said. “I suppose I’ll need to change outfits.”

“You can do that with a few seconds thought, dear,” I reminded him. At heart, he’s still an Earth Pony, not a powerful Titan. I suppose if Big Mac somehow interests Celestia long enough, he’ll be like this. I expect, though, it’s a passing fancy. “I’ll take you to a fine pony seamstress I know. She can suit you up nicely.”

He shuffled on his feet uncomfortably; a lot of stallions seem to wish their clothing would just appear from nothing. Now, mind you, as a Titan, he can conjure any outfit he wants, but I can’t let him do that for his own good.

I shouldn’t have even reminded him he could, really.

I put on the dress Rarity had made me; it would help butter her up. Then I extended my power and flames roared up around us. To the Land of Rarity!

******************

No one was home. The lights were out, the shop locked up and everyone gone. Was Sweetie over at her sister Snow’s house because Rarity had gone somewhere?

“I don’t think she’s home, though we should check for dead bodies,” Far Sight said.

“Sweetie would have been distraught.” I cast a quick spell. ‘Sweetie, can you hear me?’

‘Cunning Thought, is that you?’ Sweetie asked.

‘Yes, dear, is Rarity on a trip?’

‘She made a run to Canterlot to buy fabric for some project I’m not even allowed to think about,’ Sweetie said mournfully. ‘Marcus and Ivan went with her. I expect Ivan is snuggling with Princess Luna.’

I can’t go to Canterlot; this has to be a surprise.

‘If you need a new dress, I could make you one,’ she said hopefully.

My soul told me to go with it, it would be hilarious.

But my pride told me that Far Sight has his pride and if he’s going to wear a suit, it has to be the best to see his daughters, to see Luna… he really should have dropped in before now. But I suppose for folk like us, a year really can fly by like a few days.

‘It’s fine, dear, it will wait. Enjoy your sleepover!’

So I took him to Manehattan. Not *as* good, but it will be quite good and certainly good enough. I casually stole the money to pay for it from the vault of the Sindhi ambassador because he frankly deserves to starve in the gutter with the rest of the ruling castes of his shithole country.

But really, he won’t notice, it was just a suit.

Fortunately, petty theft isn’t against the rules or I would be in trouble… more trouble.

Once he was suited up, it was time to drop in on Celestia, ideally at the worst possible time.

***********************

Celestia’s Work Day:

I can divide my day into four basic categories. Five. Meals, Interesting Ceremonies, Boring Ceremonies, Interesting Work, and Boring Work. This body, anyway. I have a second avatar on Pandius which does Immortal work for me and visits Luna’s Library Avatar every day.

I can’t sustain more than two; I think Mother has four, but usually forgets some of them for long periods of time, though I think she enjoys surprises.

I know Bogdozan somehow went rogue on her once and she had to trap that old avatar in some chasm in the planes and make a new one. Or she made that up, as Uncle Full Moon was pretty sure avatars cannot go rogue; they just may go into long sleep if you ignore them too long.

Best not to find out.

“I am fairly certain that Erik of Vestland is dead,” I said to Ragnar Fasttrot; he is a Unicorn Pony from Vestland, their ambassador to us. “And will never be seen again. If he lives, he is not in Equestria.” I shouldn’t enjoy lying so much; I’m pretty sure I got that from Mother. Father never lies.

I was having a private meeting with the ambassador in one of parlors; this one is full of pictures of the Northern Reaches, created long ago by Luna as a sort of… well, not exactly a shrine to our father, but close enough.

We both stood by a table with two mugs of mead and some… it’s a kind of spiced oats, almost like an oat stew because it has some liquid, as a snack. There was a large bowl, a dipper, and two small bowls for eating with spoons. Northern Reaches Ponies favor it.

“Erik of Vestland is a false identity. He is undoubtably alive, living under an alias. We just wish to ensure people stop associating his crimes with our nation, which is a modern, respectable country.” Ragnar wore a nice blue suit; the only sign of his country’s wild past was the crossed swords pin he wore over his heart. “The priests of Frigga have told us he has been reincarnated.”

“Isn’t everyone reincarnated after a time with their Immortal, unless they are raised to some form of immortal status?” I asked him.

“Reincarnated by druidic power, the power of the…” He pulled out a card. “Sphere of Matter.” He put the card away.

“Then he is no longer Vestland’s problem. I will keep an eye out for him.”

“He was never a Vestlander, we know that too. Our country is tired of having aspersions thrown at it because our neighbors are barbarians!” he said angrily.

Breathe in, breathe out. “I understand. What someone like him does is beyond your control.” Basically, Vestland is surrounded by trolls, horse-nomads who like to pillage and plunder and the rest of the Northern Reaches, which are full of clans who burn and plunder each other and their neighbors, though the Soderfjord Jarldoms are trying to get their act together.

He relaxed and I relaxed. “Thank you, Princess. Our relations with Equestria have always been good; this is the worst crisis I have faced since I got this job three years ago. King Harald Gudmundson seems pleased with my work, so I do not wish to disappoint him.”

“Neither do I, but I am quite sure this ‘Erik’ will never be seen again, but if he appears, you will not be blamed for his actions,” I told him.

“I think the Thyatians have been making threats. They’re allied with Ostland and that means more raiding,” he said, sighing. “Does Equestria get raided very often?”

“Not currently,” I told him. “Some Ierendi pirates still try but we gave them a bloody nose a few years ago.” The Battle of East Key destroyed an entire pirate fleet, though the casualties for our side made me wince. I could have destroyed their entire fleet, but not without violating Immortal rules and I am trying to prepare them to go on without me.

Then the fireplace, where a blazing fire raged to warm the room, suddenly flared to life, and Mother and *Father* emerged from it. I stared in shock.

The Ambassador nearly jumped out of his skin, then turned, saw Mother, and paled. “LOKI!” he shouted.

“I am Cunning Thought,” Mother said primly. “In this body. And this is Far Sight, the father of my three darling children.”

“Hail, Ambassador Fasttrot,” Father said, then listed a seemingly endless number of names that might have been as many as forty or so generations, ending in, “Son of Dapple, who I knew as a child.”

How does he even know the whole lineage? It’s not one of my Sphere’s powers, anyway. But Father does this all the time.

The ambassador stared, mouth open wide. Then he took a sip of mead, then bowed. “The Great Liberator. Hail.”

Mother waited; she is going to do *something* if he doesn’t hail her too. The Ambassador eyed her like a snake.

Luna now galloped in. “Celestia, I sensed some… Father?” she said weakly.

Now he licked his lips nervously. “My dear daughter.”

“My darling Luna!” Mother said and threw herself at Luna, who went down, crashing into a couch, which broke, but of course, Mother didn’t care.

“I see this audience is over, thank you, Princess, your hospitality is grand, I am going to go… inspect something…” And then he galloped off, demonstrating why he is named Fasttrot.

As Luna flailed and protested and Mother cuddled her, a painting fell down on them, impaling itself on Mother’s crown. So much for an eight hundred year old piece of art.

Fortunately, mending magic is simple and does not violate Immortal Law, which is good or I would be in big trouble.

“What a pleasant surprise,” I said. “I have not seen you in a long time, Father.”

Odin keeps him very busy and he’s basically uncomfortable with worship. Some Titans do have cults, but their Immortals have to grant them an artifact they can grant spells with.

He came over and nuzzled me, while Luna continued to flail and Mother sang some song about cuddling your baby to sleep, because of course she did. I nuzzled him back. “It’s so nice to see you.”

“It’s nice to see you too.” He glanced over at Luna, looking nervous for a moment, then calming himself. “That’s enough, dear. Let her up.”

Cunning Thought disengaged and easily got up. Luna flailed a bit and rose. We both have very powerful mortal bodies, but we don’t have the degree of grace our Immortal Avatars have.

Father now came over and nuzzled Luna and she froze, then hesitantly nuzzled him back. “It’s so nice to see you again,” he said warmly to her. “I am sorry it’s been so long. I don’t have the freedom to gallivant about that you all do.”

“So we took advantage of Odin’s long visit to a cosmic brothel to smuggle him out,” Mother said.

“I’m pretty sure he is not in a brothel,” Luna said chidingly. “He is the Hierarch of Thought.”

“Which includes naughty thoughts like you have for your coltfriend,” Mother said cheerfully. “Anyway, I suppose that’s what the Valkyries are for, anyway.”

Father made a rumbling noise; he is the mount of a Valkyrie; the Greater Valkyries are Titans, except for Sif, who is an Immortal of Energy, and the Lesser Valkyries are mortals who are dwelling with Odin until it is time to reincarnate.

“Mother, I am pretty sure Father doesn’t serve as mount to a Cosmic Hobo Whore,” Luna said irritably.

“Cosmic Hobo Whore.” A piece of paper appeared and Mother wrote that down. “That’s brilliant. Now I’m jealous I didn’t think of that myself.”

Father grunted. “Brynhildr is a Titan and a woman of distinction. A great warrior who slew many *giants*.”

Mother and Father liberated his people from enslavement at the hands of giants long ago and there’s nothing he hates more. I don’t think Mother actually hates giants, but when she’s with Father, she ‘hates’ giants. You know what I mean.

Luna tried to bury her face in her hooves and had to flap her wings to avoid falling forwards and then I had to save half the paintings; the rest were also going to require a Mending spell; I fixed one, then decided they were safer on the floor for now.

“Ivan, Ivan, Ivan, I can tell you’re spying on us, so you might as well come out,” Mother said cheerfully.

He is? I don’t sense anyone concealed or scrying us; I’m not sure if Ivan can use shadows to scry yet.

Nothing happened and Luna said, “He’s still in my room, Mother.”

“Oh, did I interrupt a tryst? Will I be finally getting some centaur babies?” Cunning Thought asked her, smiling as usual. I am never sure if she instinctively smiles or if she’s faking it to annoy people by her constant good cheer as she says something insulting or unleashes some plot or prank.

“We were *sparring*,” Luna said. She paused and concentrated. “But he…” She glanced at Father.

Father looked back; he can just stare at you for days, until you snap. I think I confessed to stealing all of Ixion’s underwear once under the stare. This was when I was still mortal and maybe only five or so, mind you.

Luna’s ears began to twitch.

“Ivan is Full Moon’s apprentice, seeking Immortality, and Luna has been helping to train him. They are close friends, but no more than that, whatever Mother imagines,” I said. I think they both want more but are keenly aware of the problems this would bring. Sooner or later, I think, they will at least try being lovers, but not yet.

I would normally tease her about it, but with Mother present and laying it on thick, it would be too much, also I want Father to like Ivan, and he has not always liked our lovers.

Mother made a deep rumbling noise. I am not sure what she has against Full Moon, but she hates him so much. He must have done a Stroke against her at some point, but I don’t know what. She seems to resent him. Is it just because we have accepted him as part of our family? He was a critical mentor to us in ways Mother could not be, since we didn’t want to join the Sphere of Entropy.

And being Cunning Thought’s daughter made it hard for us to be trusted, after the stunt she pulled on the Sphere of Energy. Thor will hate her forever, but she just mocks him and laughs at him, but Full Moon gets under her skin. Twilight told me about their encounter in the Arctic regions. Mother got unusually angry but was it deliberate or a bluff?

The biggest problem with Mother is that she lies all the time, so much she can’t stop. I know she loves us, but her love is like the Everfree, wild and unpredictable and sometimes dangerous, yet sometimes beautiful.

I remember when I was a novice Immortal; an Immortal came from each of the Spheres and took us to show us one of the wonders of the universe. Mother took us to Eresti, a world where once a century, the laws of magic change and they have to rediscover them. When we arrived, magic was all about alchemy based on the five Spheres, changing their balance in things. We watched as a Halfling figured out a way to refresh land ruined by pipeweed; it would only work another twenty years, but he was so proud and to my surprise, *Mother* was so proud of him, of all of them, trapped in constant change, but always adapting to it.

We then got a lecture on why the Hollow World is a hundred times more evil than anything her sphere has ever done.

I will spare you the details. That world was designed by one of the Entropics but all Immortals refrain from doing anything but watch. I am curious to see what will come of it.

Father looked at me, then at Luna.

“Why don’t I arrange you two quarters and then you can meet Ivan at lunch?” I said. “Oh, we have a large stock of mead if you would like it served at Lunch.”

“Hmm, yes, we will need a room for our loud lovemaking,” Cunning Thought said cheerfully.

“I need a room which roughly conforms to a standard silence spell and some way to keep your Mother from dispelling it,” Father said calmly to me.

“I am not sure the latter is within the power of anyone in Equestria, but I will see what I can do,” I said, while Luna’s mouth opened and tiny despair noises came out, then closed.

I have learned to always remain calm around Mother and Luna has not and possibly never will. It’s the only way to handle Mother. Show no fear.

“Let us see to your room while Luna attends to her duties,” I said calmly.

“Her duty of getting us grandchildren,” Mother said. “I know you already have but people who died centuries ago do not count.”

Luna winced at that. Luna had several children long ago, but they did not have the kind of spark we did and we don’t know why. They were strong in magic but they lived normal lives and eventually died; it was painful to Luna to lose them.

It was among the things which eventually sent her down the road to her time as Nightmare Moon. I’m sure she worries about whether she will have to watch Ivan age and die. Though I feel confident he will succeed in his quest.

But we will have to see. I was soon chivvying Mother and Father down the hallway and trying to figure out what on Mystara to do about suitable quarters. Though it depends; sometimes Mother would make me regret not giving her supremely regal quarters and sometimes she doesn’t care and I can never predict which, which I am sure is the idea.

Well.

At least I won’t be bored today.

*****************

Luna’s Day of Unexpected Things:

At least Mother didn’t show up in the middle of us sparring, since we’d managed to rip a bunch of holes in each other’s clothing. We weren’t really using Whelm or my magical blade Spiral, of course, since it was just practice, but somehow we both ended up with torn up clothing, which is why I shed it all and turned to Pony form before going to see what had teleported into the castle; Ivan was off getting clothing.

We also broke our weapons twice, though… well, in Ivan’s case, the first time, I managed to hook the fake Whelm’s carry strap and then send it out the window, forgetting that window opens onto a drop all the way to Lower Canterlot; I saved it before it hit a building at high speed, but it broke under the force of my grab.

The carry strap is actually more of a throwing strap; it comes back if you throw it. Whelm is a very powerful weapon, though eventually, he will have to make his own.

Which could be a problem. As while he has many skills, making any kind of weapon is not one of them. I will have to consult with someone from the Sphere of Thought.

Ivan had gotten dressed, but not dressed *enough*, which meant I had to find Rarity, beg her to do something and then *pray* to the Old Ones that Mother will not find some way to cause trouble while she is unattended, though if I am lucky and no I don’t actually want to think about that.

Father.

I want to see him and I am afraid to see him, for I brought shame on him; I’m sure everyone harasses him about how I take after Mother, who is not well beloved in Odin’s clique. With good reason, mind you.

I sent Rarity a fire message, then realized that without Spike, she could not reply.

To my surprise, an air elemental appeared and roared out a message to meet her at the Blue Lotus.

I don’t know what that actually *is*.

Neither did Ivan, but we found someone who did; it’s just a café of Sindhi food.

With directions, I teleported to the front door and once the staff finished bowing to me more than I need or deserve, Ivan and I went to Rarity and Marcus’ table, where she was busy having soup and he was busy having fish curry. With cod, but… are those green beans in it? How odd. The smell was bracing. Ivan’s eyes crossed. “Marcus, do you intend to destroy your tastebuds?”

“This body has more tolerance for spices than I am used to,” Marcus said.

“The soup is very good,” Rarity said. It looked like a hearty but heavily spiced vegetable soup with a dozen different vegetables.

“I hate to ask but my Father is here and Ivan needs something nicer to wear,” I told her.

“Is he going in human form? A pony? Belcadizian?” Rarity asked, going from ‘social’ to ‘business’ instantly. “How much time do we have?”

“Ideally, by dinner,” I told her.

Rarity looked at her own food.

“A late dinner. I… yes. We have maybe two, three hours,” I said nervously.

Ivan said, “I’ll need a snack if I have to wait that long for dinner; our sparring made me hungry.”

“Sparring,” Marcus said, amused.

Ivan grumbled at him; it was weirdly like Father is with Mother sometimes.

“I cannot guarantee my best work, but I will finish this quickly and then I will need a room at the palace. Thankfully, I can now summon materials from my store thanks to Lady Carlotta teaching me the trick,” she said. “I am sorry, Marcus, but they need me.”

“I’ll help,” he said and Rarity looked relieved. “Ivan has to try a bite of this, though.”

“I might die,” Ivan said. “I like it spicy but not Sindhi level spicy.”

“It will be fine,” I told Ivan. Fine because I enchanted his biteful to have a weaker taste; Marcus and Rarity could tell, I think, but Ivan could not and was relieved.

“I have waybread; you can have some while Rarity works,” I told him. I will likely need a snack myself.

Okay, crisis one averted as long as nothing goes wrong.

******************

Cunning Thought’s Adventures in Daughter Embarrassing:

I actually put up the silence spell myself because I have better ways of embarrassing them. Like recording all the noises on crystal to hide in Luna’s room to go off at the worst possible time.

Far Sight is something like twenty times better than Rathanos AND does not try to steal your eggs because he has manners. I made sure to keep my eggs contained because I cannot afford another child right now.

I suddenly felt he (Rathanos) was doing something stupid with our children and sent one of my Avatars to go check.

By the way, never send an Avatar to spy on Korotiku. Fortunately, it was fireproof but diving to the bottom of the Pseudo-Elemental Plane of Volcanoes is not my idea of a fun time. How did he even get his foot stuck???

It’s one of the planes which basically orbits the Para-Elemental Plane of Magma. Wait, is it Quasi-Elemental… I always get those confused. It arises from the collision of the Elemental Planes of Fire and Earth and the Positive Material Plane… Para-Elemental is the Positive ones… Quasi are Negative, I think.

Is that right? Well, it doesn’t matter. I had to dive through 3000 miles of magma to get my damn Avatar out of a stupid crack and he couldn’t remember a damn thing.

I never really understood the power of a Hierarch until then and Korotiku isn’t even the *top* Hierarch of the Sphere of Thought.

While I can make myself immune to fire and magma, it took forever and I couldn’t manage a teleport lock because my Avatar had put on a teleport blocker, for reasons *he no longer remembered*.

Eventually, I had to bow to the inevitable and recycle him and make a new one even if it cost me power because he was hopelessly stupid after that.

Note – because of the amnesia, I could never PROVE Korotiku did it, by the way. A useful trick I’ve exploited since then.

We laid together in silence a while, as close to peace as I ever get. But my mind can’t be quiet for long, even when I wanted it to. But it was Far Sight who broke the silence.

“You don’t have to do this, you know,” he said softly.

“I must. I became an Immortal for this. I am going to bring that bastard down. Even if it destroys me,” I told him. “Especially after what he did to Luna.” I could feel the heat in my voice and I could tell he did too, but he did not flinch or turn away.

“I want to see him destroyed, but he is a Hierarch, the head of your Sphere, and we are not. They have powers which dwarf even yours. And if you fail, his vengeance will be terrible beyond measure. And if you succeed… His allies within your sphere will all still be against you,” he said calmly, trying to stroke my mane with his hoof… one area where humans outdo Ponies, I fear.

“I will not have a better chance,” I told Far Sight. “I must do it and do it soon. Before he finds some way to get Sombra off the hook and I do something entirely stupid.” The worst part is *knowing* I will do something stupid and that I will not be able to stop myself, even knowing it is stupid.

He sighed. He is more cautious than I, though he was bold in his youth. Bold without being a stupid thug, which impressed me.

“Unless you have seen something you have not told me.” But I am sure he has not; he is not the type to hide things. And he is not named Far Sight for nothing.

Then his eyes glazed over and I licked my lips nervously; I have big lips in this form. And a very nimble tongue; I can pick a lock with my tongue if I have a tool to work with. He was seeing something. He could do this before he became a Titan… it was one of the bits of leverage by which I got Odin to make him a Titan. Immortals of Thought normally have no power over Time beyond the magics Mortals can use. So having someone with the sight… Sometimes I’m surprised Odin doesn’t put him in a box like that stupid head.

“Zugzul is going to lead a giant army… a *huge* army of goblin warg-riders and orcs to invade Hule and burn as much of it as possible and turn all your followers into his undead slaves with that cauldron of his,” Far Sight said. “The attack starts next summer.”

Dammit, not now. I sent a warning to Bogdozan.

Why now? Why me? Full Moon is the one who screwed him over thousands of years ago and he’s been trying and failing to get even with the man… did he just decide to take me on because he was bored with his own idiocy?

Maybe he can’t sleep without a beating.

“Wait, does this happen if I fail, or is it going to happen irregardless?” I asked.

“I can tell only that whatever causes this has already been set in motion,” he told me. “I am sorry I don’t know more.”

“Dear Far Sight, you told me something *very* important.” I may have to pump more power into Bogdozan. I can’t afford the distraction. Thankfully, this means I have nine months. Enough time I can afford to just do some scouting for now.

Why did it have to be ZUGZUL who survived the Immortal Storm instead of someone more intelligent, like Reticulus or Izakar or Mynopis?

I could have sworn some candidate for Immortality had destroyed that Cauldron while trying to do the Epic Hero Path. Hmm, now I wonder if I could sucker Ivan into doing it; it would help him out and help me out, so no one could complain about it.

I could…no, Hule is too big to fireproof the whole country.

I could leak something to Celestia so she feels guilty… LUNA! Leak something to her and then she and Ivan could go destroy that cauldron. Maybe the entire Elements of Harmony; they should be a match for any stupid army dumb enough to worship *Zugzul*. There’s a reason the Ahfridi are gone forever, thank the Old Ones.

If they exist. I alternate between knowing they must and thinking they’re a scam.

I did not need this hanging over this visit. Fortunately, long experience will let me reveal no more than I intend to.

******************

Celestia’s Dinner With Family:

“Zugzul is going to invade Hule next summer, you should help your mother out,” Far Sight said. “An army of humanoids will lay waste to a large chunk of it.”

Mother for a moment, looked like someone hit her in the face with a trout, then said, “I was going to bring that up, dear.”

No, she wasn’t, I knew. I know Mother. She might want something from us, but she would be subtle.

We were in the same parlor where I had met the Ambassador, standing around a table; Ivan, wearing a very nice suit I haven’t seen before, was sitting in a chair; his stew actually had meat in it.

“Zugzul? I thought he was meddling in Davania these days,” Luna said, frowning.

“Well, the Lord of the Golden Chair routed his army of zebra-riders, but that was the last I heard of him; I think he went off to pout,” I said, then ate some of the stew, which was quite good. I had a hearty Northern Reaches stew made, minus the beef, save for Ivan.

“I thought the Council of Dimensions had put him to work the last century or two,” Ivan said.

“That ended a couple of years ago,” Father said. “Gwyneth stupidly got in a fight with him in Pandius and got mauled.” He shook his head, then looked at Ivan; Ivan had been introduced to him and he’d been eyeing Ivan ever since.

Then Father said, “He has the Cauldron of Rebirth. One of Nyx’s experiments she abandoned, I think.”

“She is to intelligent undead as Rathanos is to his stupid intelligent fire creature project,” Mother said, shaking her head. “Though at least she doesn’t ignore the ones that already exist like he does.”

“Most elementals are dimwits; he wants something smarter,” Father said. “Whereas Nyx for some weird reason wants to turn everyone into intelligent undead.”

“Two words. Sex and Fetish,” Mother pronounced, then wolfed down stew, while Luna looked offended by Mother’s manners and I just shook my head. She wants a reaction, so I won’t give it.

“So it’s an Entropy artifact,” Ivan said thoughtfully.

“The sort of thing Epic Heroes have to destroy. I destroyed the Head of Penaggalan myself,” Father said.

I know Father’s official cover is a failed Epic Hero quest but I think it basically came down to Mother somehow getting Odin to empower him, but I’m not sure. I don’t know if that ever existed.

“The Head was a major player in the Taymorian Empire, Nix’s greatest accomplishment,” Luna said. “She must not be very happy with you.”

“She’s not. Or I’d go deal with the Cauldron myself, but while Nyx has supposedly abandoned it, it has been destroyed *four times* and yet somehow returned. So I would draw too much attention,” Father said.

Is Father trying to get Ivan to go destroy it? He usually is very straightforward and not good at moving people around, unlike Mother. I suppose it would make a good quest for him.

“Don’t you have suitable agents, Mother?” Luna said bluntly. “It sounds to me like you’re trying to get Ivan to go save Hule for you.”

Ivan glanced at Father. “So you hope I can do it.”

“Well, my dear Cunning Thought does have her own agents, but on the other hand it is the sort of thing Epic Heroes do,” Father said. “I suppose Full Moon would have to sign off on it, though, as your mentor.”

Mother rumbled in her throat. “I do not wish to owe Full Moon a damn thing.”

“And it would show your mettle; I have studied your records and so far, most of it is petty theft and bog-standard adventurer shenanigans. An Epic Hero must do great deeds,” he continued.

Mother now choked on her stew and I had to rap her back; she spewed into her bowl, sighed and disintegrated it, then summoned more stew from the kitchen.

“Mother, you could have just sent the bowl back to the kitchen,” I said a little chidingly. “Those do cost money.”

“I can make a dozen just like it,” Mother said, waving a hoof; the table was now covered with bowls and they were all wrong. Some were too big or small; some of them had the wrong pattern, and one of them simply evaporated in a poof of smoke. Mother then grimaced and ate more stew.

“I… wait, I have a record?” Ivan asked, confused.

I sent off the bowls; we’ll find a use for them. Luna shook her head at them, then said, “Father, he’s just a candidate, you shouldn’t pry.”

“Anyone who is dating my daughter, I have to know about,” he said. “It’s amazing what Heimdall knows.”

“Heimdall is watching everything I do?” Ivan said in a sudden panic.

“It’s complicated,” Father said. Did Mother… or is he? Now I was not sure what’s going on. “He did see you two making out in Elven form, though.”

…

I’m pretty sure Heimdall is normally focused on guarding Bifrost, not watching… I hope he didn’t see me when I ended up covered in tar the other day; I should have been paying attention but that keg cracking caught me by surprise. I suppose I should just hope he got a laugh out of it; I laughed once I got over my initial frustration. And Big Macintosh was very apologetic.

Mother stuffed her face more… is she bluffing or is she surprised? She often eats too much when she’s surprised.

“We have not made out in Elven form,” Luna protested. “However, I might think about…” She now turned red and stuffed her face.

Ivan looked like he might die. Normally, Mother would be laughing her ass off, but… what is she so worried about?

“Anyway, if you wish to be an epic hero, epic kissing won’t do it. It takes great deeds to enter the sagas and achieve immortality. You certainly won’t ever get your revenge on the Triad if you don’t go out and make a name for yourself,” Father continued. “If you wish to be Luna’s lover, you must show yourself worthy of her magnificence.”

Ivan stared at him, probably wondering how… how DOES Father know Ivan wants revenge on the Karameikan Triad?

“Father, *I* decide who is my lover,” Luna protested.

“You don’t seem very good at deciding,” Mother said; now THAT is Mother, though she seemed oddly subdued and kept glancing at Father.

If he is suddenly revealed to be Korotiku again, like that time… has it been… so long ago… I will be cross.

“If you hadn’t decided, why would you invite him to a family dinner?” Father asked. “Anyway, Ivan, despite my dear Cunning Thought’s hatred of him, you should of course consult with Full Moon, as he may have other plans already. But you would certainly do your new family a favor *and* yourself if you took care of this. You’re going to need to destroy at least one Entropic artifact as part of your quest.”

I can’t decide if Father has grown a little more cunning with age or if this is an imposter. I suppose after all these years, Mother would have to have rubbed off on him some.

Mother looked at Ivan, looked at her stew, then let out a deeeep grumble. Deep enough one of the servants hiding in the hallway in case we need them stuck her head in briefly.

I shook my head at her, then said, “I’ll admit I don’t know much about the Cauldron. Doesn’t it just make undead? Any evil priest worth his salt can do that.”

“The Cauldron can do it on a scale beyond even the greatest priest. Nyx supposedly abandoned it because it produced strong but very stupid undead,” Mother said. “Of course, how often do Immortals *really* abandon artifacts? Zugzul somehow keeps getting it and then it gets destroyed. Then it shows up again.”

Ivan looked Father up and down thoughtfully. “I’ll talk to Full Moon about it.”

Mother buried her face in her hooves. Is she trying to bluff she doesn’t want this or is she using Father as her proxy or…

I wish I could have one day with her where I don’t have to try and find the hidden meaning of everything she does.

“Good,” Father said. “Celestia, this stew is very good.” He now actually ate some of it.

I babbled on about how the stew was made, trying to figure out how to turn this conversation in a better direction.

“Perhaps Zugzul is putting out a fake cauldron and hiding the real one,” Luna said hesitantly.

“In anticipation of people destroying it?” Father asked, sounding confused.

“Like with the Head of Vecna,” Luna said. She laughed softly. “Some amazing idiots out there.”

“I encountered a fake Hand of Vecna,” Ivan said. “It actually turned the warlord who wore it into a puppet for a Hag. Who then decided Marcus had to marry her, of course.”

Mother laughed very loudly at that. “Of course.”

I suddenly burped up a letter from Spike. Father stared in confusion. “Oh, it’s from Twilight,” I said. “Pardon me.”

(Dear Princess Celestia,

I just heard that Cunning Thought was here in Ponyville a few hours ago, though she seems to have only tutored the Immortality Mark Crusaders in geometry. This may be some whim, but I thought I would give you a heads up.

PS: I had a strange dream where the burritos turned out to be giant puppets and had long ago escaped. Probably just a too much pizza dream, but I thought I should tell you.

Your Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle.)

‘Burritos’ is one of our codes for the two Burrowers trapped under the plateau. If they ever escape, we are doomed. Probably a too much pizza dream. None of the alarms have gone off, nor has the watcher said anything.

“I will write her back later, once our dinner is over,” I said.

“What’s the dessert?” Father asked curiously; he’d somehow eaten all of his stew.

“Cinnamon Buns Cake with Almond Paste and Vanilla Custard,” I told him. “It’s very good.”

“I know,” he said. “You didn’t have to make food from my homeland, you know.”

“But I did it because I love you,” I told him and he smiled.

“I love you too, and Luna as well,” he said warmly.

“I am going to kill everything ever,” Mother said mournfully. “However that dessert sounds great.” She’d finished her stew too.

Ivan was eating slowly, but he said, “Go ahead and serve it, I’ll catch up.”

It’s basically seven cinnamon buns stuffed with vanilla custard and held together in a cake shape by the almond paste. It was very good and Father stuck to small talk, while Mother ate and looked distracted.

I took them to see some of the city, so Luna and Ivan could talk.

**************

Princess Luna Is Aggravated:

“Mother is using Father to try and push you into this,” I said, sitting on my bed as Ivan sat on a chair nearby, stretching. “On the other hand, she’s right, it would be a good way to deal with that part of your quest if Uncle signs off.”

“I sent him a message, so hopefully, he’ll let me know,” Ivan said. “So what do you know about Zugzul? As I don’t know much.”

“Not a huge amount. He survived the Immortal Storm, one of the weakest to do so. He is a mid-range Immortal but seems to have stalled out there, unable to climb to the top but too strong to fall down to lower rank either. He is of the Sphere of Energy and usually resembles a flaming giant.”

A flaming giant.

Father hates giants more than any of the rest of us hate anything, except Mother’s hatred of Thanatos. I am not sure if Thanatos knows Mother hates him and doesn’t care or if it amuses him to watch her rage impotently or if it’s all a scheme or if he somehow hasn’t noticed but how could he *not* notice?

“Luna?” Ivan asked hesitantly.

Does Father have a grudge against Zugzul? I never noticed it before if he does, but he seems determined to get Ivan to go after the Cauldron…

“Zugzul made a major bid to conquer the Third Thonian Empire a long time ago, in the dawn of Blackmoor, but he was defeated by time travelling heroes from another era, who somehow used a bar in Blackmoor City to time travel and don’t ask me how,” I said to him.

Ivan looked thoughtful. “Could it have been someone on the Path of the Dynast?”

“They were said to come from the far future, thousands of years later,” I told him. “Maybe as far as our time.”

Ivan paused. “Wait… all Marcus has left is the Testimony component, right? His various misadventures with Bast and the Sword and endless reincarnation took care of the rest, right?”

“Yes. But I think something unusual will be done there, since Bast basically made the normal Testimony method impossible,” I told Ivan. “But getting back to Zugzul. He’s unusual because Sphere of Energy people normally don’t go around encouraging giant armies of conquest. Not *now*. Maybe it was different before the Storm. Sphere of Energy people normally try to get people to take up Arcane magic and promote magical societies.”

“Maybe it’s a bluff? Maybe he does all this stupid stuff so no one notices his real project, tucked away on some other planet or plane?” Ivan speculated.

“Maybe, but he’s an amazing actor if that’s true,” I told him.

“Well, let me call Asterius, see if he knows anything and if this would count,” Ivan said to me, then took out his amulet and concentrated.

The fireplace suddenly whooshed with blue flame and Full Moon stepped out of it. I could feel the power of it and I’m sure Mother felt it too. Which she may use as an excuse to be pissy.

“So what do you think?” Ivan asked.

“If Zugzul is anything but an idiot, he has hid it very well,” Full Moon said, then laughed softly. “This would be acceptable to fulfil your Trial. I’ll have to double-check with one of the Hierarchs but I can’t see them making any objection. And it would put Cunning Thought in your debt, and any tiny leverage with her could be useful to you.”

“Do you think she would actually care?”, Ivan asked.

“Mother takes debts very seriously but Father moreso and he suggested this,” I said. “Oh.” It hit me. “Father is connected to the sphere of Thought as Full Moon is and as you will be. He’s a Titan, not an immortal, but certainly a good stallion to have on your side.” I was so worried he’d be angry with me, but I worried for nothing, it seems.

On the other hand, now I’m worried he and Mother are up to something here. Maybe Zugzul just annoyed one of them or maybe Father just wants to see if Ivan is worthy of me…

“Do you know why he is attacking next summer?” I asked Full Moon.

“He’s probably just starting to organize now,” Full Moon said after thinking a moment. “An army big enough to threaten Hule can’t be assembled overnight. He may have a candidate for Immortality he is trying to help for the Sphere of Energy, though conquering things is more of a Time candidate’s style. I’ll poke around a little and you might find something useful in the Library about the area, Luna.”

I sent a message to my other Avatar to start researching.

“Do I have to do this solo or can I take a team?” Ivan asked. “Because I don’t think I’m ready to do it solo, unless Zugzul’s people are all chumps.”

Monk…oh, *chumps*.

“You must take the lead and you should take your apprentice,” he said.

“Scootaloo… is pretty young,” I said nervously.

“Well, taking her was a risk,” Full Moon said. “But she is on this path now. Not the rest of the Crusaders, but her destiny is tied to yours.”

I tried to rub my forehead, then remembered too late I am a Pony right now and whacked my forehead.

“Luna, are you okay?” Ivan said, springing over to touch my forehead, which did not help.

Full Moon blinked at me but did not judge.

“I could be better.” I sighed. “I do not know if her parents will agree to this.”

“Well, you can certainly do this just as a favor and not take her and it will not count towards your various Immortality tests,” Full Moon said. “That being said, she’s still young enough her parents are unlikely to consent, which is a problem.”

Ivan grimaced. “Well, I’ll talk to everyone. If she comes, they will *all* want to come.”

“This could be good practice for your eventual quest,” I told him. I wish we’d known this *before* he took Scootaloo but I suppose you normally take someone older. I was never Sphere of Thought, so I didn’t know.

Wait, Celestia is Sphere of Energy! She might know people who know something about what Zugzul is up to. No one in the Sphere of Time will talk to me anymore. I’m still technically Sphere of Time, but…

Maybe Yav will still talk to me.

***********************

He came into the library and soon found me as I was shelving ancient scrolls. They’re a pain because some of them haven’t been converted to modern standards and I have to update the tags. Someone checked out a bunch of Blackmoor-era scrolls. But all non-Blackmoorean matters.

Yav glanced at it then said, “Tomorrow, Ixion will be returning five hundred items he had on long-term loan.”

My eyes crossed. “What was he doing with them?”

Yav is a dark-skinned half-elf; you could easily mistake him for a Tanagoro, if not for the pointed ears and his violet eyes. Some days he looks more Elven. “I don’t know, I just foresaw it as I came in through the front doors.”

“Thank you for coming,” I said softly.

“Do you know anything about Zugzul’s invasion of Hule next summer?” I asked him.

“The last I knew, he was still pouting because the Lord of the Golden Throne slaughtered his followers in Davania. If he ever bothered to teach something beyond ‘RUSH IN A GIANT TIDE’ to his followers, he wouldn’t lose so often. Thor’s also an idiot but he at least knows how to fight intelligently.” Yav shook his head, then picked up a scroll from my cart. “A Visit to Karagar, Scroll Six, by Chastag.” He put the scroll down. “Didn’t Karagar get destroyed by the Rain of Colorless Fire?”

“An invasion of beastmen destroyed it after the Rain weakened it,” I told him. “It traded with Blackmoor but was not controlled by Blackmoor. I think this scroll is from about three centuries before the Rain destroyed Blackmoor.” I began putting all ten volumes on the shelf together, into the huge empty space they’d left when checked out. “So you haven’t seen anything.”

He closed his eyes and sang a little song, then said, “Hmm, thousands of refugees from Hule will flee into the Divinarchy next summer. I should decide how to advise them.” He achieved his immortality by creating a kingdom on the Serpent Peninsula ruled by those with foresight.

Sounds like Hule will lose or at least have a hard time of it, but that surprises me. Hule is pretty big and very tough.

Well, we will change it.

“Can you see anything about the future of the Cauldron of Rebirth?” I asked.

He concentrated, then walked into a bookcase; fortunately they’re magically secured, so he bounced off it, though I now have twenty or so scrolls and books to reshelve. He began picking them up. “Sorry. All I can see is the cauldron tipped upside down with Zugzul’s head inside it, while this gangly orange Pegasus backkicks it, so it rings like a bell.”

…

“I must admit I would get very angry if that happened to me,” he said.

Yes. Anyone would. I suppose Korotiku might laugh and say “Good Joke.”

Apparently this means Scootaloo has to go but I can’t take a filly into something like this.

“Why do we even…” Then Yav shook his head. “Oh, we keep accounts of destroyed cities because people might time travel to them, of course.”

“Or because things from them might survive. And Father Time wants as complete a record of the past as possible,” I told him.

“What do you do if history changes?” he asked me.

“The library is in a time pocket; it is insulated from any changes. This helps with figuring out if some unplanned changed happened,” I told Yav. I only learned this when I started working here.

He stroked his beardless chin. “Intriguing,” he said. “I’ve never gotten into time flow manipulation but that would be very useful for some things for me. I presume Father Time set it up?”

“I believe it required the Orb on this scale,” I told him. “But I don’t know. Certainly he could tell you how to do it. You might need to invest some of your power into a permanent bubble without the Orb.”

We discussed time manipulation for a while and I pointed him to some books, then he said, “You should interrogate your mother and find out what she’s done to Zugzul in the past as this is probably about revenge.”

“Mother insists she has never messed with Zugzul because he is so stupid it would be too easy and thus boring,” I said.

“I can believe that, though I think she overstates his lack of intellect,” Yav said. “On the other hand, some Immortals are amazingly dumb. I don’t know how Bagni Gullymaw managed to get Immortality.”

Bagni is an Immortal Troll. He spends most of his time in his pocket dimension, hunting and eating things. Ka sponsored him but no one else understands *why*. There’s ongoing rumors Bagni was a rare spontaneous Ascension, where you do something so amazing that you become an Immortal on the spot. There are ongoing rumors that Rafiel ascended because he was caught in the reactor explosion which caused the Rain of Colorless Fire.

Yav promised to ask around for me, but I suspect this won’t come to much. But I had to try.

*******************

Ivan does Research:

Who better to go to than Twilight? I coalesced out of the shadows and… Spike panicked and nearly set me on fire. I dove over the blast. “It’s just me.” I was in the library; I’d been worried I’d busted into his… wait, where does Spike sleep? Twilight doesn’t have a bedroom so much as a reserved bed area upstairs.

“Ivan, is that you?” Twilight asked.

“It’s me. I hope you have time to tell me some things, because it looks like I’m going to be doing a dangerous quest into Hule and… is it the Empire of Dorfin IV north of Hule,” I told her.

“The Empire of Dorfin IV was a fraud committed by a gnome. I guess they used that fraudulent Alphatian world map in your school,” she said, half a dozen books floating in the air; she was trying to *read them all* while talking to me. “He conned the Alphatian Cartography society hard and while they’ve tried to issue updated maps, so many people haven’t gotten the news.” She turned to Spike. “Spike, I have six sets of coordinates, *all different*. We’ll have to reconcile them somehow.” She grimaced at one of the books.

“I’ve never actually attended one day of school; the only education we got in Karameikos was a kick in the head from the Lord and training in farming and hunting,” I told her, sighing.

The books all clattered to the ground and Twilight looked at me with a look of indescribable sadness. “I knew that but I wasn’t paying enough attention,” she said softly. “Wait, why aren’t you in Canterlot during a family visit? Luna’s father is there, right?”

“Luna and I are gathering information for a quest,” I told her, then explained it all.

“Spike, bookmark these books,” she told him, and he did so; I wonder how he can tell which page, given she dropped them on the floor. “I need the updated Atlas of Brun,” she continued. “And…” Her face crunched. “And then you can take an ice cream break, Spike.”

He frowned. “You don’t have to hide anything from me.”

“I’ve been working you hard,” she said ruefully. “Did we even eat dinner?”

“I’ll make us some.” He looked at me.

“I’m full,” I told him.

Spike nodded and ran off to the kitchen, in the back.

“I bet you’re nervous,” Twilight said softly to me.

“Luna’s mother tried to pretend she didn’t want us involved, so she obviously has some game afoot beyond simply saving Hule,” I said. “Anything you know about the Cauldron, or Zugzul or anything Cunning Thought may have done to screw with him would be good.”

She conjured me a chair. Spike had apparently forgotten the Atlas, so she pulled it out and gave me a geography lesson. The lands north of Hule are known as Hyperborea and they’re full of city states, wandering barbarians, and wandering monsters. They gradually get very cold.

“Zugzul normally isn’t involved there at all,” Twilight said, frowning. “Zugzul has a weird thing for conquest; everyone assumes it’s some artifact of how things were different before the Immortal Storm, but very little is known of the pre-Storm era.”

“Well, if you can believe certain records, back then, Entropy was divided into four spheres and Time, Matter, Energy, and Thought were compacted into a single sphere of Law. Which is how things are in the Nightmare Dimension now,” I said. Twilight started and I smiled a little. I have been studying Immortal matters. I can read… now…

“This one Alphatian book I read asserted that the four Spheres were Narrative, Instinct, Art, and Chance,” Twilight said. “Instead of Time, you built your own timeline and shaped the world by stories. Instead of Thought, you acted on instinct. Instead of solid, unchanging Matter, you made your own world by shaping chaos into solid things which would in time return to the chaos. And instead of purposeful Energy, things were driven by chance and luck,” she finished. “But getting back on track, not a lot is known of Hyperborea because it’s mostly wilderness surrounded by *more* wilderness. Hmm, we could try scrying for the Cauldron…”

“I think Luna is planning to use the Moon to scry,” I told her.

She nodded. “I’ll come with you to Canterlot and confer with Luna.”

“What do you think about the Scootaloo thing?” I asked her.

“Her parents will never approve… she’s too young but… this might be worth doing just as a favor to her parents. I mean, Luna’s parents,” Twilight said. “Far Sight is worth having on your side from what I’ve heard.”

A good point. Also, the Crusaders may just show up for no reason, anyway.

******************

Celestia’s Late Night:

Mother and Father had retreated to their quarters, but we have a busy day of keeping Mother from causing some apocalypse tomorrow. She wants to take Father to see Dash’s museum, which means having to bring Dash so I can apologize in advance. I sent Dash a letter to please fly here in the morning.

Moondancer, Luna, Twilight, Marcus, Rarity, Ivan, and I met in the Blue Moon room; it’s one of Luna’s favorites, carefully assembled by her. There’s a beautiful five hundred year old painting of a blue moon over one of the isles of Ierendi… Safari Island, I think, though it wasn’t Safari Island yet, then. The walls match her hair and the carpet matches her coat and there are pictures of the night sky, mostly over the sea, but one over Canterlot as well.

The central table was blue marble streaked with black and silver; I had to conjure chairs for our human guests. Then Luna dispelled them for not matching, and summoned matching chairs. I had to laugh softly, then hide my smile.

“Should we go outside to the reflecting pool?” Twilight asked.

“I need not,” Luna said. “I will scry, but this may take a while since we have no idea where in Hyperborea to look.”

Twilight gave us a long and informative lecture on Hyperborea’s history, fauna, and geography, using a map she’d reproduced. I will spare you the details as it would take up too much space.

“Knowing it is humanoids does narrow things down,” Twilight said. “And Whelm is more potent against such, right, Ivan?”

“Yes,” he said. “I’m wondering if Vanya is using Zugzul as a proxy; she has a grudge against Cunning Thought ever since the War of Five Kings.”

“The what?” I asked.

“A struggle in the Savage Coast,” Twilight said. “Vanya hoped to unite the Savage Coast and exploit cynnabryl users to create a great empire, and instead, Hulean agents got them to all fight each other to exhaustion, then forced everyone to pay tribute and turned all the Vanya priests and priestesses into crabs and dumped them in Tortle territory.”

“And Tortle love shellfish, which is kind of ironic,” Ivan said.

“All of them? Did they just keep trying until it worked?” Anyone powerful enough to be worth polymorphing usually has a decent chance to resist it. I felt sorry for the Vanya worshippers; that’s a terrible way to go.

“I’m sure some of them escaped but they got the point,” Ivan said. “I’m surprised Hule didn’t conquer them all at that point.”

I half expected Mother to barge in; instead, it was Rainbow Dash, huffing and puffing. “Never fear, Rainbow Dash is here,” she said. “You can come out of the bag now, Scoots.”

…

“I had nothing else to do and it’s not that far,” Dash said to me. “What do you need Scoots for, anyway?”

….

Luna frowned. “We did not ask you to bring Scootaloo.”

Dash paused, then frowned. “Scoots…” she said as Scootaloo climbed out of her saddlebag.

“Cunning Thought came and told me and my folks Celestia needed me and I should hop a ride with you since I’m too young to ride the train by myself,” Scootaloo said. “But I think I am old enough now, but hey, this was cool too. So what’s up?”

“Moondancer, can you get Mother?” Luna asked her.

Moondancer licked her lips nervously, then said, “Of course, your highness.”

“Mother! I’m sure you’re spying,” I said loudly. “Please show yourself.”

No Mother but that could mean anything.

Moondancer now winked out in a teleport, and I tried to calm myself.

“I’m sorry, Scootaloo. We’re going to have to send you home,” Ivan said.

“My folks already said it was okay, but they didn’t even ask what it is, so what is up?” Scootaloo said.

Mother probably used charm magic on them.

Mother now appeared with Moondancer and Father. “What exactly…” She blinked. “I did not realize Rainbow Dash would get you here so quickly.”

“Mother, did you use charm magic on Scootaloo’s parents?” I said, frowning.

“Celestia, dear, the day I need to use charm magic to get what I want from the weak-minded is the day I throw myself into the Great Crack because I will deserve no better,” she said, frowning back. “I simply told them that she was needed for a secret mission and they… Scootaloo, why did they try to give us a bag of carrots?”

“Because they have a bajillion carrots from aunt Carrot Top and so I have to eat the nasty things ALL THE TIME,” Scootaloo said angrily. “When I become an Immortal, I will never eat carrots again!”

Mother looked baffled, then said, “Oh, they had a surplus and wanted to give me a gift.”

“Some days I wonder if they wished they’d given birth to a carrot,” Scootaloo said in frustration. “Anyway, there had better not be any carrots.”

“I guess I won’t be bringing any of my soup, then,” Ivan said weakly.

So Mother just lied to them.

“Well, you need her; her presence has been foreseen, so if you don’t bring her, either you will make a hole in time or time will bend over backwards to *make it happen*,” Father said. “And Immortals can’t let holes be punched in time.”

Time holes are terrible things. “History can be changed,” I said. “It’s not inevitable. History gets changed all the time. It would be hard for Time Immortals to be born if that wasn’t possible.”

“I want to go… whatever it is… you must need a really great pilot,” Scootaloo said.

But probably the Crusaders will all try to get in on this and…

Luna said “I think we should all get some sleep. It is late and I need time to decide what to do.”

“You *could* tell me what we’re doing,” Scootaloo said.

“That has yet to be determined,” Luna said wearily. “Let’s all go to bed.”

“Don’t make too much noise with Ivan,” Mother said cheerfully.

Luna buried her face in her hooves and forelegs.

Father just rolled his eyes, then said, “Come on, dear.”

They both vanished.

“But…” Scootaloo said weakly.

“I don’t get it either, Scoots,” Dash told her. “Let’s get a room and crash. Maybe it will make sense in the morning.”

It seems likely Scootaloo is meant to go but she is still so young. But adventure is in her destiny and this way, at least, she and her friends can’t just bull their way into it anyway.

I will think on it too.

****************

Ivan’s Late Night Conversation:

Dash and I sat on the roof. “I think it’s too late to not take Scootaloo,” Dash said. “She and her friends will try to follow you if you don’t take her.”

I guess I wasn’t that much older than her when I left home, but… dammit. On the other hand, Yav apparently foresaw her being there.

“Or we could just go do it RIGHT NOW. I could be there in a few hours at most, given how fast I fly,” Dash said. “And then Scootaloo doesn’t have to get involved.”

I was very tempted. It avoids putting Scootaloo in danger, and Dash is both very fast and a great fighter. It would be nice to have a spellcaster, but…

“Okay, fuck it, let’s do it,” I said. “I have a Bag of Holding now, so let me just change into my armor and get Whelm out. Once we have the cauldron, then Luna can figure out how to smash it.”

“Do we need tongs or something?” Dash asked. “I assume this thing is made of pure evil. So what exactly ARE we doing?”

You volunteered without even… well, that’s Dash.

Part of me wanted a caster, but if we don’t go NOW, Scootaloo will find out somehow and then die and her parents will kill me.

Well… I sent Luna a summons, hoping she was free.

She soon appeared. “What’s going on?”

“We three are going to do it. I’ll just do it to help out your Dad, which I guess helps your Mom,” I told her. “But if we dither around… I just can’t take Scootaloo into this and I should have thought it through before taking her as an apprentice, but so be it.”

“She’s kind of both our apprentices. I’m on the same path as you,” Dash said. “But yeah, she’s too young.”

I half-expected her to pop out of… “Better dump out your bags, make sure she isn’t hiding in them.”

I dumped mine too.

“Are you sure the three of us are enough? I cannot deploy my full power for this,” Luna said.

“Every second we wait increases the odds of something going wrong,” I said.

Dash emptied her bags, but all she had was the entire run of the Daring Doo novels, a book about eighth century Equestria and an entire crate of pine-flavored chewing gum. And half a blanket. Dash said, “Wait, where’s the other half?” She shook her bags out more, then began stuffing books in.

“Let me get some rations and camping gear, just in case,” Luna said and vanished.

We have to go. Before it’s too late.

I still have to figure out what to do for the monument part of this. And the weapon.

As I can’t count Whelm, which I began juggling nervously as I waited, and I briefed Dash on the mission.

“Yeah, we can’t take Scoots, but we do need to do *something* with her,” Dash said.

“We can find some starter dungeon she could handle. I wonder if the Caves of Chaos ever restocked,” I mused. “That was our first dungeon delve, for Helga and I. Marcus had been on them before, but I don’t know if he remembered it at the time.”

I am so glad I am not on the path of Matter; Fluttershy will probably enjoy reincarnating. “How are you going to do the epic weapon, eventually?”

“No idea. I don’t *use* weapons,” Dash said. “Maybe I could make a ramming helmet somehow.”

We discussed that until Luna returned. “Okay, Ivan, you can ride me and…”

Dash snickered.

Luna frowned. “Take this seriously, Dash.”

“Come on, you could not do more of a straight line than that,” Dash protested.

I mounted up, then Luna cast a spell. “This will ensure you stay on. You should lean forward and gently embrace my neck.”

I did so and then we took off FAST. I hoped I wasn’t erring by not taking a crew, but this guaranteed that Scootaloo wouldn’t come along. Dammit, I should have taken an apprentice old enough for these things.

We flew high, high enough that everything got tiny; it was dark and Canterlot was a sea of dots of light. The countryside was a lot sparser with lights; it was weirdly like flying over a cloudy night sky; the night sky above us sparkled with stars and a half-moon shone down on us.

Canterlot soon vanished behind us; winds hammered at me and without Luna’s magic, I would have been blown off her back and gone flying down below. But I knew she would never let me fall. I trusted her.

Dash kept zooming ahead, then doubling back; I suspect she doesn’t know how to get to Hule; I only vaguely know.

We were moving at blinding speed, over Sind and then over desert and beyond that, mountains and then endless plains. I was starting to get kind of cold, and then I felt Luna do something and I warmed up. Thanks, Luna.

Hyperborea is a mix of grasslands and forest; I couldn’t figure out the pattern; I know more rain means forest, less rain means grasslands, but why the patchy… was it human intervention?

Some of the grasslands were farms, so maybe this is slash-and-burn agriculture at work. I know there is some degree of civilization here, but it’s so far from where I grew up that we don’t know much. The Alphatians themselves don’t have accurate maps.

We finally had to stop to rest, hiding in a patch of forest and sleeping quickly, then rising in the morning to go on. We flew over a ruined town, but we could see a few survivors, so Luna made her horn invisible and then we flew down to a group of people busy grinding flour. “What happened?” I asked. “I am Ivan of Karameikos, and this is Moonglow and Swiftwind of Equestria.”

“Zugzul’s forces happened. A bunch of skeevy humans and giants and red dragons and elementals burned the town and looted it for no reason!” one of the survivors said.

Another said, “Probably because Markov was part of the League of Law and the League of Chaos is now under Zugzul’s sway,” a second said.

“I’m just glad they didn’t bring any orcs or goblins. The humans just stole, they wouldn’t…” The third person leaned on what was left of the wall and began to sob.

“Hey,” Dash said, embarrassed, patting their shoulder. “Given some time, you can rebuild all this.”

“If they don’t come back and finish the job,” the third one said dolefully.

“The good news is that they stole a lot of vegetables, but they left the barley, rye, and oats untouched,” the first one said. “I fear we’ll all get scurvy this winter,” he said. “There’s only maybe two hundred of us left.” Then he slumped.

“Did they take your livestock?” I asked.

“Pretty much,” he said.

“We could shadowwalk to Canterlot, get supplies and livestock, bring them back. It will slow us down, but I can’t leave them like this,” I told her.

She nodded. “I agree.”

Now we really have to be sure to stop Zugzul before he destroys these cities… he must invade in the summer because he needs to remove these obstacles *first*. That makes sense.

“We’re going to have to doubleback to Canterlot to get supplies,” I told Dash.

Dash made a noise, then said, “I could press on ahead.”

“Do you know how to get where we’re going?” Luna asked. “Because I’m using divinatory magic to guide me.”

“Well, I mean, I could stay and help them here,” she said hesitantly.

“Okay, that makes more sense,” I said. “If you just wandered off on your own, who knows what would happen.”

She gave us a hooves’ up. We made some more inquiries, Dash started helping them clear rubble out of a blacksmith shop and we found some shadows and jumped to Canterlot.

****************

“Since you are helping me out, I will arrange for Hule to supply the town with what it needs,” Cunning Thought said. We’d gone to see Celestia to tell her why we needed hundreds of pounds of vegetables, a bunch of livestock, and so on. Luna could order it herself but it’s best to avoid surprises.

“We can arrange for it to be moved quickly,” Far Sight said. “So you can get back to your quest.” But he sounded pleased we wanted to help.

I was a little suspicious of how willing Cunning Thought was to help, but…

Then Rainbow Dash ran in. “Scootaloo’s vanished!” she said. “I can’t find her anywhere! And you two ran off without me.”

…

Cunning Thought’s smile… damn her.

“But you…” Luna’s eyes narrowed. “Scootaloo changed herself with the candy and talked us into leaving immediately.”

Dash sighed. “I’ll go with you and lecture her.”

“She was cunning, but I warned her that it might go wrong,” Cunning Thought said mournfully. “Leaving Dash running around loose meant that her cover would inevitably be blown.”

“Mother…” Celestia said, then sighed. “Let’s see about getting the supplies and I can send some ponies to help them.”

“And my people will help too, to make this up to you,” Cunning Thought said. “But since she *is* your apprentice, you shouldn’t have tried to leave her behind.”

I should have found an apprentice who wasn’t a kid.

“And she’s the same age as you were when *you* left on your adventures with Helga and Marcus,” Cunning Thought said. “So don’t be a hypocrite.”

Dammit.

“That’s a Karameikan custom. Most of the Sheared go be sailors or try a craft, rather than going adventuring,” Celestia said.

I wish Helga was here.

“I can’t blame her for dreaming big. I just don’t want her parents to cave in my skull,” Dash said. “Well, they’d try. But you know what I mean.”

“They already said yes,” Cunning Thought said.

I surrender. Let’s just get this moving.

*****************

Luna’s Mission:

Mother kept her word; we supplied them with food for the winter and help to gather what is left of their harvest and Mother supplied more food, small beer, and a fresh set of livestock. Good quality too. Not one of Mother’s tricks. And more people to help with rebuilding.

What is Mother’s angle? And why is she *so* insistent we take Scootaloo?

Dash gave Scootaloo a lecture… she might listen to Dash, then she helped. Once we had the town functional, we headed on. Celestia will ensure all the helpers can get home.

We’d gone on two more days when, to my surprise, Ixion was sitting on a stump near us, in his avatar he uses on the Savage Coast. So he looked like a human Belcadizian, basically. “Thank you, Luna,” he said. “For taking time from whatever you are doing to help Markov. It would have taken weeks for me to get them aid, maybe too long. I wasn’t even aware anything happened.” He sighed. “But as you know, even the Immortals cannot see all that happened, and I am busy with a political crisis on the Savage Coast.”

“Which might be why your town got hit *now*,” Ivan said, frowning.

“Wait, who are you?” Dash asked, studying him.

“I am Senor Henrique de Carabala in this body,” he said; unlike his immortal form, he has curly dark hair and bronzed skin; his immortal form is golden haired and golden skinned. “But one day, you will know me as Ixion.”

“The man who is trying to get the Savage Coast to unite in a league,” Ivan said. “Good luck, it’s like trying to convince cats to form a league.”

“I know,” Henrique said. “I just dropped in to thank you.” He rose. “I warned Zugzul to stay away from the League but he did not listen, it seems. He has not yet learned, though he should have, that direct involvement of the kind of he favors, tends to lead to disaster. Just be careful. He cannot come against you in strength, but it is within the rules for him to become some sort of freakish half-dragon, half-fire giant monstrosity which could eat the tarrasque for breakfast, so long as it doesn’t go beyond what the mightiest mortal heroes can face.”

Dash said, “Man, that sounds amazing. Now I want to fight that.”

“We’d kick its ass!” Scootaloo said excitedly.

Henrique looked at me.

‘Ivan screwed up and took her as his apprentice, so we have to take her,’ I told him. ‘I will not allow her to suicide.’

‘Good,’ Ixion told me.

“We’d all die unless Luna broke cover,” Ivan said. “Does Zugzul abide by the rules very much? I’ve always wondered why he’s still only halfway up the Immortal Ladder when he’s as old as you are. Like you, he survived the Immortal Storm, right?”

There was a long silence and I tensed. It’s not easy to make Ixion angry, not *seriously* angry. “Zugzul does not understand teamwork well. He is like Thor, if Thor did not have Odin to restrain and guide him. He is like Vanya, if Vanya lacked cunning. Fire consumes and creates, but he mainly consumes. I keep trying but he keeps angering too many other immortals, who then crush his worshippers and so his power gets trimmed back. A lot of immortals start like Zugzul, then get wiser. He does not seem to learn from experience. He wrecked the giants, led the Ahfridi to destruction, helped screw up Nithia…” Ixion shook his head. “I am going to have to give him a lecture on not attacking places under the protection of other members of his own sphere.”

“So how does Vanya avoid attacking places that other Time Immortals have under their protection?” Ivan asked curiously.

“Those seeking immortality in Time have to create a state and preserve it,” Henrique said. “And there is always some competition inside spheres, but Zugzul overdoes it.” He now rose. “I should go. Thank you for helping my people.”

“It’s what heroines should do,” Scootaloo said. “When people need help like that, you pitch in, right?”

“Right,” Henrique said. “So you shouldn’t complain to your aunt about helping her out. Be seeing you.” He vanished in a puff of flame.

“If that town had wanted me to waste my time on carrots, I would have burned it more,” Scootaloo grumbled.

Ivan and I both laughed. That’s Ixion all over.

“How did he know?” Dash asked.

“Whenever the sun is up, Ixion, like Celestia, can see whatever it shines on,” I told her. “She learned it from him.”

“So will Rainbow Dash be able to see everything that can see a rainbow one day?” Scootaloo asked.

“I’m not sure,” I told her. “That would be a beautiful ability, though.”

“My followers will be SUPER FAST,” Dash said excitedly. “And super cool.” She patted Scootaloo, who smiled. “Let’s get some breakfast and go!”

We were soon airborne again.

******************

“Turn back or be destroyed! Zugzul has had enough of your family’s meddling in his affairs!” the Red Dragon shouted at us as it charged at us through the air; we were flying over farmland; far below, farmers were gathering in the harvest while they could; to the east, it was drizzling, but the sky was clear here.

So much for surprise, but how does he know? “We haven’t meddled yet!” I protested.

“Is that Zugzul in disguise?” Dash whispered to me.

“No, but he apparently told this dragon far too much,” I grumbled. “This world belongs to mortals! Tell your master they’re not just toys for him to play with until he loses!” And that was Mother’s influence… I shouldn’t have added the ‘until he loses’ bit.

“Take him down?” Scootaloo whispered.

I do not want to see Scootaloo get fried.

But also, how does he even… I hope Ixion didn’t let something slip.

“You can tell your master he can’t stop us from getting the Iron Crown before he does!” Ivan shouted.

Wait, what?

“Yeah! Mom needs a hat!” Scootaloo shouted.

What?

“The Iron Crown is not just a *hat*!” the dragon shouted.

The Iron Crown was made by Vanya, but like so many artifacts, it has kind of gone off to do its own thing and periodically shows up, enabling someone to create an empire. The last I knew of it, a chimp had it and created a chimp army and destroyed some cities down in Davania. Then he fell off a cliff somehow and the crown was lost.

“Then I’ll have to get its location from you!” the dragon shouted and charged at us.

“GO TIME!” Dash shouted and… flew over it. At super-speed; this basically created huge turbulence and sent the dragon tumbling.

“Get in my bags, Ivan,” I told Ivan.

He got in, then the three of us flew around the dragon, screwing up his flying until he finally threw up, crashed, and laid on the ground, sick to his stomach.

“Clever idea, Dash,” I told her.

“Thanks,” she said. “That was totally my plan.”

Now I wonder what her plan was.

*****************

Dash’s Clever Plan:

I had *meant* to ram it head on but I missed.

But I had another plan.

“Look, you turn us all into humans and Ivan into a really big Pegasus and then you ride him and navigate and we hide in the bags… hell, we could hide in the bags as ponies, but I don’t know… maybe people would detect us?” I said.

“I dunno, is Ivan going to be able to handle flying very well?” Scootaloo asked. “I might have to pilot him.”

“Ivan…” Luna said hesitantly.

“It’s a good plan. If there’s an emergency, Scootaloo can come out of the bags and help me out,” Ivan said. “Make me look like a *shadow pony*, so I can use my shadow tricks too. And you can be my evil shadow elf mistress.”

“Mmm, kinky,” I teased them.

“The shadow elves don’t actually serve Entropy,” Luna pointed out. “But I can do evil mistress. That will throw them off us.”

Pretty soon, Ivan was a pitch black Pegasus stallion with a cutie mark you could barely see – a big black spider. Luna had become a Belcadizian style Elf clad in black leather pants and this weird thing that covered her breasts but left her stomach bare… isn’t that a vital spot for humans? Your guts are there.

And she had this glittering golden spider necklace.

Man, Ivan looked great. But I have a coltfriend, so I let Luna turn me and Scoots into Thyatians and we got in the saddlebags. Scoots studied her hands; she’s not used to them. I whipped out some cards. “This will be easier than usual.”

This will be kind of boring but I think they’re going to enjoy it.

“Isn’t he normally a palomino?” Scoots said, studying her cards.

“It’s a disguise,” I told her. “If I had blue skin as a human, everyone would get suspicious.”

“I don’t see him as a pony much,” she said. “Wait, which game are we doing?”

“Oh man, if we gamble, your mother will kill me,” I said. “But most of the non-gambling games need four or five ponies.”

“We’re bold adventurers. I’ve got money… I mean, we’d better stick to coppers, though,” she said.

“Well, I think he and… not everyone’s like me. I could turn into a potato and I’d be cool with it,” I said.

“What a terrible idea,” she said.

We dug out our coppers.

“I think they bang as Elves anyway,” I said, then regretted my own birth.

Smoke came out of Scoots’ ears. “Never remind me of that again! Sweetie says Rarity and Marcus do it every…” She gurgled. “Let’s focus on the game.”

“Time to take all your money,” I crowed.

****************

Luna’s Mission:

There were no more cities here, only goblin camps and orc ‘towns’. Zugzul is massing a humanoid army here. They paid us little mind. Good thinking, Dash. You were wise to suggest this.

Dash stuck her head out. “Hey, can either of you break some gold for me? I ran out of copper.”

I could hear Scootaloo laughing.

“There’s a bag of copper coins; just pop the gold into it, take what you need,” Ivan said.

“Someone needs to tell Marcus and Rarity to be more discreet,” Dash whispered to me.

…

Ivan went into a spiral, but pulled out of it. “I don’t want to know,” he mumbled. “That’s their business.”

I know too much about it because Rarity asked me for advice. I would expect her to be discreet.

“I’ll do that,” I mumbled.

“Thanks, Ivan, you’re a pal,” Dash said and dropped back in.

Ivan hasn’t tried, but… We’re both…

Love makes me nervous now, after Sombra. Ivan is not Sombra, but it’s hard to open up.

And he has his own issues. I suppose Marcus, after being so many things, is used to it.

“Thank you for agreeing to this,” I said to Ivan.

“I need to get used to it. Also, I have to say, I look more impressive this way,” he said thoughtfully.

“You look incredible,” I told him, ruffling his mane.

“So do you,” he said.

I am basically ripping off Arachne Prime’s favorite humanoid form, but I think I look good. I’m not always sure; my instincts are still Pony instincts, though I’ve turned into all sorts of things.

“I can see why Dash loves flying so much,” Ivan said. “I’m gonna be pretty tired by the end of the day, though.”

“Your muscles aren’t used to it,” she said. “We’ll stop before you get wiped out.”

But I was glad he was enjoying it; we chatted and I told him stories about my adventures and he about his and I reveled in flight.

I think Celestia is a little more Unicorn and I’m a little more Pegasus at heart. Movement makes my problems less.

The big problem now is figuring out where the cauldron is; mortal magics generally have a range of a few miles at best and I can’t… I could probably get away with using my immortal senses, but this quest won’t do Ivan any good if I cheat.

“The cauldron should be in a really *big* camp, right?” Ivan asked. “Or a temple?”

“Yes,” I said. “No sign of any temples, but maybe we should raid a camp for someone who might know something.”

So I put up a protection from missiles spell and we bomb-dove a camp and I used magic to snatch up a goblin.

“Don’t kill me, dark mistress!” he wailed, trying to hide his face from the sun.

“Where is the leader of your hordes?” I demanded.

“Towards the setting sun!” he wailed. “Bubhoshlug the Mighty has gathered his Great Horde in the Green Place!”

I dumped him back in his camp, then flew west.

The Green Place turned out to be an area along a river where everything was healthier… or had been, before Orcs and Goblins and Bugbears and Fire Giants and whatnot had moved in. They had built a crude stone fortress and a bunch of forges; everything green was burning to fuel them.

I landed off behind a ridge and got the others out. “Okay, time for us to pose as evil adventurers.” Blam, Dash now looked like a pirate and Scootaloo was in black robes with a staff and Ivan stayed sexy… I mean, evil. Evil sexy.

“I can’t do any magic, you know, not that kind,” Scootaloo pointed out.

“So no one will think it’s you,” Dash pointed out.

Scootaloo looked trapped by that logic.

“This is great,” Dash said, drawing her cutlass and brandishing it. “Harr, I’m the Great Pirate Stealistificus!”

It will do. “Ivan, you are Black Widower and I am Duathwen Shadowrider,” I said. “We’ll claim we’re looking for work, then just grab the Cauldron and run.”

If I try to come up with a more complex plan, Dash and Scootaloo will likely turn it into that.

Ivan looked at me. I looked at Ivan.

He nodded.

I put a little spell on the staff so it will look magical and electrocute anyone Scootaloo bashes with it. Scootaloo swung it around. “Can I be Blastfist the Lightning Mage?”

“Yes,” I said.

“Awesome,” she said, waving the staff around.

“What if they say no and we don’t see the Cauldron?” Dash asked.

…

“Well, once we’ve seen inside, Ivan and I can sneak us in at night,” I told her. “Good thinking.”

Dash can be smart. I should have trusted her more to have some sense.

“Arr! You should have made Scootaloo my parrot,” Dash said.

This is why I did not.

“No way!” Scootaloo said. “You can be the parrot!”

“It’s only one letter from carrot,” Dash crowed.

I let them fight a while; best to let them get it out of their system.

**************

Ivan’s Mission:

Dash and Scootaloo bring out each other’s inner idiot, I fear. But they got their acts together and we headed over the ridge and into the camp around the fortress. Luna just stalked along like she owned the place, while Dash and Scootaloo rode on me and I told my wings to *stop flapping*.

When we had a chance, I asked Dash, “How do you get your wings to relax?”

“Uhh… you learn as a foal,” Dash confessed.

“If you’re agitated, they flap,” Scootaloo told me.

Dammit.

“It’s going to be fine, we’re here, I can amp you up if I have to,” Scootaloo said. “But you flew amazingly well for someone with no experience.”

“The magic provides some instincts, especially for things that are really essential, like flying for a Pegasus, or pouncing for a jaguar,” I told her.

“Being human is kind of freaky, nothing personal, Ivan, but I do have to say hands are nice,” Scootaloo said, wiggling her fingers.

“Well, being a Pegasus is weird to me, but I’m going to need to get used to it,” I said. If Luna and I…

She is just so amazing.

I nearly walked into the gates, thinking about how beautiful she is in all her forms.

And not so dumb as my gate-ramming self.

*****************

Bubhoshlug the Mighty was a huge orc, possibly with some ogre blood; he did not have the Cauldron in his throne room, but he had a force of troll and ogre guards and a bunch of Orcish hangers-on, as he sat on his throne literally made of skulls.

And leather.

Zugzul knows how to pick them.

“I am Duathwen Shadowrider and this is my faithful steed Black Widower,” Luna purred at him, slinking up close to him. Do not stare, I told myself. “I am joined by our warrior, the Great Pirate Stealistificus, and our mage, Blastfist the Lightning Mage. We are travelling adventurers, seeking some great lord who can use our services.”

Dash was studying the place; there was less loot in the Great Hall than I would have expected, though there were a lot of shields and weapons on the wall taken in war… they weren’t ugly Orc work.

Bubhoshlug the Mighty looked at her in a way that said what he most wanted of her. Ugh. But then he looked at an Orc who stood near him, wearing fire robes and the symbol of Zugzul (a fiery pit). He had a battle axe on his back with runes marked in red metal on his back. “You must undergo the Test of Zugzul if you are to serve the mighty Bubhoshlug,” he said. “I am Grimkarak the Wise, who commands the powers of Zugzul, Lord of Fire.”

“Hah, my lightning can overcome anything!” Scootaloo said enthusiastically.

“Bring it on,” Dash said, forgetting she is a *human* right now and I don’t think she actually knows squat about sword fighting, though it looks like… dammit, I should have loaned her Whelm. I can’t use it like this.

“We stand ready,” Luna said. “You will see our power and our trustworthiness.”

Not a big Orc virtue, really.

*****************

We followed him through the fortress to a temple room; it was simple in style, an altar by a pit full of fire, with benches around the pit. A huge black cauldron hung by a chain over the pit of fire… surely they are not using the Cauldron of Rebirth to cook food.

Four acolytes ringed the pit, each by a burning candelabra. They began to sing. The flames roared higher.

“Pick an Acolyte,” Grimkarak the Wise said. “Stand by them and thrust your hands into the fire. If we can trust you, you will not burn.”

I felt Luna do something magical; an enchantment. Time to cheat.

I flew into the fire, circled the cauldron, and returned, unscathed. Hah!

Grimkarak’s eyes widened slightly. “Impressive.”

Each of us passed the test. Dash looked at Luna. ‘Grab and go?,’ she thought. Or so I guessed.

This seems too easy; on the other hand, he took a wise precaution and this is months before the actual invasion… shouldn’t there be undead around?

Luna looked at me. This is my quest.

Grimkarak began praising Zugzul, and us. “Come with us,” he then said. “We will show you to the King and he will decide what you can do for us. Clearly Zugzul guided you to us, for the last three groups all burned.” He shook his head. “They would have made good zombies, but Zugzul does as Zugzul desires.”

I have an idea already.

******************

The King looked surprised, but said, “Zugzul has guided me from a cave to a palace. I will trust his judgement.”

Possibly Grimkarak has used you as a puppet, but…

“I will pay you a chest of jewels if you will recover the Iron Crown for me; rumor has it that it is in this area and I want it,” The King told us.

Ahah.

“We will do it,” Luna told him. “Do you know a place for us to begin searching?”

This was followed by going back to the chapel and doing a rite; a vision appeared of a mountain to the west with a cave, floating in the air. Is this a trap?

But we thanked them and headed out.

Once out of the fortress and camp, I said, “Given we lied about the crown, either this is a trap or we got really lucky.”

“Why bother sending us off, though; we were inside the fortress,” Dash said. “Unless maybe Grimkarak wants to kill us without the King knowing he was setting us up?”

“The fire was Zugzul’s power,” Luna said. “So he could have detected me, possibly, or maybe he just wants to use us for something.”

“Or we accidentally prophesied, like Daring Doo did in Daring Doo and the Prophesy of the Five Mirrors,” Dash pointed out.

“I thought that was time travel or something,” Scootaloo said.

“Daring Doo had to make it come true after accidentally causing the prophecy, yeah,” Dash said.

“You know, Daring Doo looks weirdly like someone took you and mixed all your colors with something kind of dark,” Scootaloo mused.

Luna explained this but none of us understood it, then she said, “Well, let’s go investigate, in case it’s important or the Crown is somehow *really* there, and then tonight, we make off with the Cauldron.”

So we flew off the cavern. Dash said, “Should we turn back?”

Luna cast a spell. “He is not scrying us, so yes.” A simple spell reverted us all to normal, except Luna, who stayed a dark elf to my surprise.

The first part of the cave had a bear; Dash dropkicked him out.

…

He fled and did not return.

How strong is she???

I readied Whelm and we headed back into a tunnel, which led to a three way fork; no signs. “Always go left,” I told Scootaloo. “That’s the maze rule.”

“Yeah,” she said, giving me a hoof up. “Dash and I could scout down two of them while you two make out or whatever.”

“Never split the party that much,” I said. “This is my quest, so I will scout ahead.”

“Then scream for help,” Scootaloo said, grinning.

“Then jump back with my powers,” I told her. It feels weird to have powers, but I guess when I am Immortal, I’ll have a lot of powers.

“You need a dark place, right?” Dash said. We were operating by a glowing sphere of light Luna had made.

“I can jump into Luna’s saddlebags,” I said. “Thanks, Dash.” I hadn’t thought about that.

I got a hoof’s up for her.

Scootaloo wiggled her eyebrows, then looked disappointed. I probably shouldn’t ask.

Instead, I slipped ahead; I can see in the dark now too, thanks to my abilities. This is how I found the four blade traps, the two pit traps, the falling rock trap… this tunnel had better have *something*.

I jumped back. “This hallway is full of traps. Luna, can you put us in contact with… Pinkie?” She worked for a trap company in another dimension *and* she’s a bard. Maybe she knows a legend.

Luna drew on the wall and chanted; a window opened and now we could see Pinkie, who was busy staring right at us. “You’re not a cake!” she said. I could see she was in a kitchen.

“This is a spell for Ivan to ask you some questions,” Luna said.

“So you didn’t turn the oven into anything,” Pinkie said carefully.

…

“No, it’s just us,” I said to her.

“Hey, Pinkie,” Dash said, casually leaning on the wall.

I told her about our situation and described the rune which was on all the traps. Her face scrunched up. “Hold on…”

She ran out of the room, then came back with a bag hanging from her mouth, a little drawstring bag; she then opened it with hoof and teeth and dice spilled out; she carefully isolated two weird ones and rolled them. “Thirty-five! I made the Legend Lore roll!”

I looked at Luna, who shook her head at me.

“That’s the mark of Gijsbert Kraaijenbrink,” Pinkie said. “A Flaemish wizard who built dungeons for people in the 8th century. It sounds like you’ve found the missing Ultra-Death Dungeon of Blargarkarshash IV! When he died, his remains teleported to the bottommost chamber with all his treasure; he wanted to eat the souls of everyone who died in it, trying to collect the treasure! But he had the Sword of Grishnargazgazfrinkgaz! And a crown with five rubies the size of Scootaloo’s eyes and the Leopard Cloak of Distgarkargag! Plus some poor Paladin’s armor and the Potato of Plenty.”

“Plenty of what?” Scootaloo asked.

“You plant it and then in 90 days, you can harvest a thousand potatoes,” Pinkie said.

“But not the Iron Crown,” I said.

Pinkie rolled the dice again. “Eighty-five. Sorry, I blew the roll, so I don’t know anything.”

I glanced at Luna; she shook her head.

“Is this Bard magic?” Dash asked.

“Yes,” Pinkie said.

“So someone sending us there is likely meant to get us killed,” I said.

“Or they want the loot. I mean, seriously, there’s some impressive loot down there,” Pinkie said.

“We’ve seen enough,” Luna said. “Thank you, Pinkie.”

“Of course, if your idea about the fake and real cauldron is true, maybe Zugzul hid the REAL cauldron in it and when they get it in a year, that’s what causes the invasion,” Pinkie mused.

Dammit. But it does make sense. “Thanks,” I told her.

“Good luck!,” she said.

We dropped the magic and then I said, “Well, we may have to press on but I don’t know if we have time.”

“Every day here is a day I don’t go to school and die of boredom,” Scootaloo said.

Dash rubbed her forehead. “I can’t be gone too long, I’m teaching a special class. Being responsible feels so weird.”

“What if we all loaded into Dash’s saddlebags and I amped her up with my Cutie Mark and we just ZOOMED all the way to the end, so fast all the traps went off behind her?” Scootaloo suggested.

“I can’t get up to full speed in such tight quarters,” Dash said. “Not even with you helping me.” Her face scrunched up.

“Epic Heroes are *cunning*,” Luna said. “All three of you want to walk that path. You don’t brute force a solution like the Sphere of Matter. The Sphere of Thought, your Sphere, is noted for cunning.”

This would be easier if I had those lockpicks, but…

Wait…

“I can use Whelm to sense treasures; if Luna could amp up its range, we could take the shortest route to the main vault, that would speed things up,” I mused.

“Maybe we could bash a straight line to it,” Scootaloo said.

“Not through this much rock,” Dash said. “Hmm, maybe… Scootaloo, your cutie mark lets you ‘pilot’ things. Does that include navigating?”

“Maybe?” she said.

“If I pulled a wagon and Scootaloo piloted it and could sense the right way to pilot me to get to the vault…” Dash said. “It’s worth trying, right?”

“If we weren’t hundreds of miles from home, we could borrow Aunt Carrottop’s wagon but the smell *might* kill you,” Scootaloo said.

“I can jump to Canterlot, buy a wagon, jump back,” I said.

I think. I’m not sure of my range.

Luna watched us, looking pleased.

I hope this is cunning and not ‘disaster’.

******************

The good news: Scootaloo could navigate to the Vault, but not to anything in it. But that’s good enough.

The bad news: Slow progress as I had to spot and disarm trap after trap after trap.

No monsters at all, though, to my surprise.

“Probably adventurers killed them all and it has no way to restock,” Luna mused.

We did encounter a gelatinous cube on the sixth level, but it was easy to kill.

We finally made it to a room with a huge adamantite vault door. “Okay, everyone get back in the hall; if I mess up, it won’t blow anyone else up,” I told them.

So they retreated and I took out two runes, then *sneezed* during the third. I got hit by hurricane force winds, tumbled across the room, then blew down the hallway… while my companions seemed barely affected by it.

Part of the wall where the hall bent had opened; I was going to be blown out a tunnel and fired off across the landscape to splat.

Dash flew after me and caught me, shoving me into her saddlebags. Then she pressed up. “Okay, this is kind of strong,” she said.

“Yes,” I shouted from inside the bag.

Scootaloo tried to press up to the door, then tumbled back. “Let’s combine strength,” she said.

Together, her amplifying Dash, they could reach the door; I leaned out and began disarming the other wards and traps, praying I wasn’t going to take us all out.

Finally, the wind stopped and the door opened.

“That’s a powerful trap,” Dash said.

“Gijsbert Kraaijenbrink must have been pretty powerful,” I said, getting back out.

Everything Pinkie told us was here was here, along with piles of gold and jewels. And an exact copy of the Cauldron was here too.

There was a skull with glittering jewels for teeth. “Oooh,” Scootaloo said.

“It’s a demilich, don’t touch it,” Dash said sternly.

“I was going to say that. That probably has the soul of Blargarkarshash IV in it,” Luna said. “Well done, Dash.”

“There was one in Daring Doo and the Tomb of the Evil Overlord,” Dash said. “The former ruler of the City State of the Invincible Overlord was sending undead armies to harass it and Daring Doo went in and trapped him in her saddlebags. Then in Daring Doo and the Skull’s Revenge, it escapes and comes after her.”

“I haven’t read that one yet,” Scootaloo said. “Bad Dash, bad!” Then she covered her mouth.

The skull now rose into the air. “Master, agents of another immortal are here!” it shouted, eyes and jewel teeth glowing.

Uh oh.

A huge fire giant appeared. Zugzul. He had a huge hammer, which he pointed at us. “I can smell the stink of Asterius the Thief! The Cauldron is a test for *my* champion.”

“Too bad, suckers!” Scootaloo said.

“Dash, kick the Cauldron onto his head,” I shouted.

Dash backkicked it; it flipped through the air and landed on Zugzul’s head.

“Scootaloo, go to town!” I shouted.

Scootaloo circled it, kicking it over and over as Zugzul shouted angrily.

I’m wondering how Zugzul thought his champion was going to get through those traps.

And then the skull began shooting rays at Luna and I as we jumped around like maniacs, while Zugzul howled fit to… okay, the dead already woke up.

I got tagged and felt it suck out some of my life force; I fell down and began digging in my bag of holding for a healing potion; Luna cast some kind of spell and the rays bounced off it, but then it set her on fire… what? When did Demiliches get fire rays?

She rolled around, but it kept putting her on *more* fire. Dash whirled around her and the fire went out, but now Dash got nailed with a ray.

But I drank my potion as Dash fell down and then I threw Whelm at the skull; it got hit, spun around and zapped Zugzul, who couldn’t see it to dodge, so it sucked him up.

…

I gave Dash a dose of potion as the skull spun more, then exploded; we all got cut by shards of crystal and now Zugzul was a huge fire elemental. “I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS FARCE!” he shouted.

“Scoots, toss the Cauldron into Dash’s bags,” I said, then dove into Dash’s bags. “We can use the trap exit to escape!”

She threw it in and it knocked me out.

I should have thought of that.

****************

Luna’s Escape:

I dove in and found Ivan clobbered in the bags. “Scootaloo, power up Dash and go!”

I could feel us moving at blinding speed; Zugzul tried to chase us but he couldn’t match them.

I healed Ivan’s injuries but let him rest, lying down alongside him to take a nap and do some research with my avatar in the Library of the Immortals.

**************

Cunning Thought’s Day:

“Well done,” I told Ivan, who was groggy. “But now you need to destroy it.”

“We can put it in a vault; once Ivan makes his epic weapon, he can break it,” Celestia said.

We were in a meeting room at Canterlot.

“You could have used your shadow powers to directly escape,” Far Sight said sternly to Ivan.

Ivan slapped his face. “Blast, you’re right.”

“Yeah, but we did it the *cool* way,” Scootaloo said defiantly.

“Also, Zugzul will seek revenge,” Far Sight said.

“We just wrecked his plans and gave him a Stroke *and* since he’s Immortal, killing him just means he can make a new body and seek revenge anyway,” Ivan said.

“I yield your point,” Far Sight said. “I am wondering what exactly was up with the priest sending you.”

“Zugzul probably sensed my power and sent us into a trap,” Luna said, frowning.

I made a little image of Scootaloo turning Zugzul into a bell. “In my darkest hours, this is going to comfort me,” I said.

“Thanks!” Scootaloo said. “So I guess I’ll need to hang out here until we figure out how to destroy it.”

“You’re going back to school tomorrow,” Dash said. “But tonight, we party!”

*****************

They all fell asleep within a half hour.

So Celestia, Far Sight, and I tucked them into beds.

“The future has changed,” Far Sight said. “Hule is saved and extends its power further north, instead. And it looks like the boy may well amount to something eventually.”

I nuzzled Far Sight. “I know someone who was a callow boy with goals he didn’t know how to accomplish. With Luna guiding him, he’ll eventually get some sense in his head, without getting so much he gets boring.”

“I must report this news to Odin,” Far Sight said, then nuzzled Celestia. “It’s so good to see you both again. I promise to visit more often now.”

“I know about your duties,” Celestia said, nuzzling him back. “Ivan is a good man. And Luna definitely got her thing for rebels from you, Father.”

“Perhaps so,” he said. “It’s a start.” Then he backed up and became a wind and blew away.

I blinked. “Oooh, nice,” I said. “I should get back to tormenting Rathanos.” I nuzzled Celestia warmly.

I have long suspected Thanatos uses Zugzul as a deniable tool. Having taken a look at the Cauldron reinforces this. Does he suspect my plans?

There are still more pieces to put in place, but if he’s getting suspicious… or this could just be Zugzul being an idiot. Sometimes I overcomplicate things.

I am going to treasure seeing him turned into a bell forever.

“Mother, I think you’ve done enough to Rathanos,” Celestia said.

“Words cannot express how much Rathanos needs his ego deflated,” I said. “I suspect the hand of Thanatos behind Zugzul’s little scheme, but I may be paranoid. He’s not happy about Sombra.”

“Too bad for him,” Celestia said, frowning. “Do you think your own hierarch would do that to you?”

“Of course he would, he voted for Luna to be imprisoned for a thousand years after his stupid protegee set her up to get in trouble,” I said angrily, then tried to calm myself. “But it’s also possible Zugzul is just an idiot.”

“I am not sure why he put the fake cauldron there and then hid the real one nearby inside a death trap that his chosen King could have never broken into,” Celestia said, frowning. “Unless he knew Luna and Ivan were coming.”

“It’s not impossible. He probably has friends in the Time Sphere or with foresight talent,” I said, frowning and licking my lips thoughtfully. “I suppose I could go taunt him until he confesses.”

“That would probably just encourage him more to attack Hule,” Celestia pointed out.

“Well, it was good to spend more time with you and Far Sight. I don’t get to see him a lot, since Odin is not very fond of me,” I said.

“You’ve given him good reason,” Celestia said, then sighed.

Maybe just a little.

Time may be closing in. My one advantage is that my plan plays to all of Thanatos’ blind spots. You can’t fight him with power, but he persistently assumes that compassion and kindness are weaknesses.

And they are, but so is his stubborn lack of empathy and his cold heart. Connections to others will get you used and thrown away. But they can also be a source of strength. I have spent literally thousands of years figuring out how to weaponize love and joy and connections. The things he can’t understand. My daughters have created an entire kingdom of people who draw power from their connections to each other. That’s why the Elements of Harmony are a set.

He’s never even going to see his doom coming.

I just need more time to get all the dominoes in place.

I shouldn’t taunt Zugzul; I can’t let Thanatos know I am on to him.

I’ll figure out something. “Time for me to go look to Hule’s defenses just in case,” I said.

Actually, I’m going to go harass Ranathos some more, but THEN I will go make sure Hule is ready for whatever crazy thing Ixion will do if he *does* unite the Savage Coast.

If anything can.

******************

Ivan’s Morning:

I woke with the dawn, still fully dressed, Luna cuddled up to me, asleep, still in dark elven form. I let her sleep until she stirred; then she jumped back and we both fell out of the bed. “Oww,” I grumbled.

“Mother decided to dump us in the same bed,” she said and sighed.

“It’s okay,” I told her. “Man, flying is awesome, but I feel half-dead; all my muscles ache.”

“You flew a lot,” she said, getting off the floor. “You made a very handsome Pegasus.”

“I looked awesome,” I told her. “I worry my wings may have given us away. I was still having wing nerves the whole time, and if the Priest knew that about pegasi…”

“I see,” she said. “Well, if you practice with Dash and the Wonderbolts, you will eventually somewhat get over that, but even experienced Pegasi tend to show their emotions with their wings. I will help you too, of course.”

“I should do that,” I told her. “If I’m going to be Immortal, I need to get used to being all sorts of things. It doesn’t come as easily to me as it does to Marcus.” And if Luna and I…

Why does this have to be complicated.

“We could have a fly before breakfast,” she suggested.

“Sure,” I said, getting out some of my potion.

I tripped going out the window, but soaring across the sky was fun. Luna assumed her natural form and we soared together.

We don’t need to rush things, whatever her mother thinks. I hope I made a decent impression on Far Sight but fathers are usually skeptical of their daughter’s boyfriends.

I just have to give it time.

I mean, I’m not exactly her boyfriend yet, but…

You know what I mean.

One more milestone down, though!

******************

Princess Luna’s Day:

I have to give Zugzul credit – he didn’t use his Immortal form, so he didn’t get busted.

I’m still not sure I really understand what’s going on, though. What was the point of the fake cauldron? To draw out his enemies? To find a better user for the real one?

But I had a good time with everyone and learned I should put more trust in Dash; she thinks with her guts, but her guts have some good instincts. Scootaloo did a good job too. We might well not have succeeded without me cheating without her.

And of course, Ivan. We work together so well, but I worked together well with Sombra. There’s just enough connecting them…

But no, he’s a better man than Sombra ever was. He has that fire to see justice be done. As I did in my youth. And still do sometimes.

I’m just going to take it one day at a time, but I feel we’re closer now. And will likely get closer still.

He was clonked out on the bed after flying. It is fun but he’s not used to it and it’s really intense. So I will make him some food, because he’s going to be starving.

I think he made a good impression on Father, but enough of Mother has rubbed off on him over the years that it can be hard to tell.

There was a knock. “It’s me, Full Moon,” he said.

I stepped out. “Ivan was trying out being a Pegasus and he’s wiped out,” I whispered.

“He’ll need to find a way to destroy the Cauldron to fully finish this part of his quest, but everything is checked and triple-checked,” Full Moon said softly.

“Would it be acceptable for him to find a way to augment Whelm? Also, Dash doesn’t *use* weapons,” I told him.

“The latter is in debate and I think the former would fly, but I will check with Odin, since he’s the Hierarch, once he finishes hanging from Yggsdrasil again.” Full Moon stared off at nothing for a moment. “Some days, I am surprised he didn’t enter the Time Sphere.”

I told him about the whole mission.

“It being Zugzul, he probably had some elaborate plan inside his head that even Bagni Gulleymaw would think was bad,” Full Moon mused. “But I had a thought. Perhaps it was a test for the Orc King to see if he could figure out it wasn’t the real thing, and then he would be directed to enter the mountain. In the meantime, the priest was whittling away some of the defenses by sending in adventurers. Or possibly that was him noticing who you all were and just sending you to your death, not realizing how good you all are.”

I suppose we may never know.

I woke up Ivan, and Full Moon told him everything. Ivan groggily said, “Cool. I have no idea how I am going to amp up Whelm, though.”

“The Forge of Heroes is an immobile artifact in Davania. Find that and you can strengthen your weapon,” he said. “You’ll have to find it and overcome its guardians, of course.”

“There’s my next quest, then,” Ivan said. “Going to want to train Scootaloo up. She did well this time but she is still young.”

Full Moon nodded. “You need to take your apprentice with you. But you don’t need to rush; you’re still young too.”

“Are you staying a while?” Ivan asked.

“I have to go,” he said. “I just wanted to let you know you did well.”

“I couldn’t have done it without everyone,” Ivan said, studying his hands; he was back to human form. Then he looked up at me. “Thanks a lot, Luna.”

“I was glad to help,” I told him. “Now Mother owes us a favor and that could be useful.”

“If her power to make things wasn’t so messed up, I could call it in to help improve Whelm, but it would probably end up a head on a stick or something,” Ivan said.

Full Moon laughed. “A favor from Cunning Thought can be a dangerous thing.”

We chatted with him, Immortal gossip mainly, then he left. “Let’s get you some food,” I told Ivan.

“Thanks,” he said. “Being a Pegasus was fun. Tiring, but I enjoyed it.”

Good, I thought, smiling. “We’re going to be all sorts of things in the future.”

I took his hand and squeezed it and he smiled at me, squeezing back.

Let’s not rush anything, I thought. But it feels good to make a step forwards. He is the kind I want, we just have to get used to… physical things.

But I think we can do it. Seeing him help that town… Sombra would not have bothered. But he wanted to do it. It was his idea. I was glad to help him.

Markov will recover, and I am glad.

******************

Far Sight’s Evening:

I kneeled before Tyr, who was in charge while Odin is off hanging from Yggsdrasil. “I watched him on his quest. I do not think he will go the road Sombra did.”

“Good,” Tyr said. “Could they tell?”

“No, sir,” I told him. “And I had a nice visit.”

“I envy you that,” Tyr said softly, surprising me. “I’m surprised Asterius recruited him, but Asterius does seem to know how to pick them.”

“He still has body issues, but I suppose it is better to take it slow,” I said. “I will test him further in the future.”

“You spend almost all your time as a pony, so it’s best not to criticize others for body issues,” Tyr said sternly. But then he relaxed. “Tomorrow, you will going with your valkyrie but do as you will for the rest of today.”

I went off to think and get some food. The day is approaching quickly. I think the plan can work, but the consequences… but Cunning Thought has never been so good at that. My fear is we’ll create an oscillating loop. But I’m no expert at time magics.

But it’s worth trying.

Because Thanatos has to go.

I was sitting on a hill side, enjoying the sun and thinking about our plans when, to my utter surprise, a letter fell on my head in a puff of flame. Cunning Thought? But no, it was from ‘Sweetie Bell’, inviting me to a party on Friday, since they had ‘missed meeting me’ and wanted to meet me.

I had to take on a human form to write a reply; I will likely be on a mission but I should meet the Crusaders. I can’t tell what Cunning Thought really thinks of them, but after watching one of them… I need to meet the rest.

A project for the future.

For now, I am going to enjoy this sunny day, for tomorrow, I may die.

Admittedly, probably not.

********************

Scootaloo’s Hullabaloo:

“I’m jealous you got to go,” Apple Bloom confessed. “I wonder why it wasn’t all of us.”

“You all would have been blown away by the wind trap and maybe gone splat before we could save you,” I said to her.

We were doing homework, while Rarity darted in and out with snacks and drinks because she’s all weirdly mother hen like today.

Admittedly, I like orange juice and cookies.

“We need to get moving but school’s in the way,” Twist said mournfully.

“Our time will come,” Dinky said confidently.

This cool adventure should help me keep my sanity for at least a week. And I’ll be able to brag about it for months.

That’s all I ask right now.

*********************

Cunning Thought:

Now Rathanos owes Ka a favor because two of my children got into the Hollow World and wiped out one of his living museum exhibits. Good boys. They should burn that whole mess down and start over.

Then I got a message. Thanatos. Dammit.

So I went to his chambers. Basically, take the most stereotypical evil overlord hall, add more skulls, undead, souls of Storm Soldiers, and idiots. Add a giant skeleton in black.

“KEEP YOUR MINIONS OUT OF HYPERBOREA,” he told me.

“My minions are not in Hyperborea, unless you count helping to rebuild Markov,” I said. “Which has now sworn to me and is no longer part of Hyperborea.”

“I AM UNINTERESTED IN YOUR QUIBBLING. ABANDON MARKOV, PULL OUT OF HYPERBOREA. OR I WILL SEE ABOUT ENSURING HULE NO LONGER MEDDLES IN THE AFFAIRS OF OTHERS.”

“Yes, sir,” I said. Defying Thanatos to his face is futile, but now he frowned at me.

“YOU ARE PLANNING SOMETHING.”

“I’m going to do what you told me to do, you are the Hierarch,” I told him. I am not at my best today but I didn’t plan this.

“I CAN DESTROY YOU,” Thanatos said. “DO NOT CROSS ME. USING YOUR DAUGHTER AS A PROXY DOES NOT FOOL ME.”

I have to find out what he is up to in Hyperborea. “I will remember that.”

“NOW GO,” he said, and I went.

He may be bluffing me. Thanatos *can* be clever, but he’s been getting more and more lost in his stupid goals and his power over time.

No one will miss him when he’s gone.

Except maybe Orcus, but he’s an idiot.

Time for subtle snooping and giving up my new town, dammit.

Well, you can’t win them all. By my luck, this is like drawing four aces.

My plan is still on track. He’ll never suspect that.

Revenge will be mine.

Enjoy your stupid cave of stupid evil while you can, Thanatos. Because when I’m done with you, you will have never existed in the first place.

And I will have the last laugh.

******************

Sweetie Bell’s Tea Party:

I put a terrific amount of effort into making food for this. I had three treats from the Northern Reaches, where Far Sight and Cunning Thought are from: almond caramel cakes, oatmeal crisp cookies, and semlor (cardamon-flavored buns filled with almond paste and whipped cream). Apple Bloom brought cider and apple crisps. Twist brought five kinds of tea and eight kinds of candy. Scootaloo brought carrot cake (which she insisted I carry) and lemonade. Dinky brought strange purple cakes which were allegedly ‘From the Fourth Galaxy’. They smelled and tasted like grapes, and that was good.

Cunning Thought showed up in the dress Rarity made for her, while Far Sight wore a nice suit I didn’t recognize; they both had crowns, though Far Sight’s kept starting to fall off. Then Cunning Thought would put it back in place with telekinesis.

“Semlor,” Far Sight said, then flicked his tail around, tossed it into the air and grabbed it with one bite. Scootaloo and Apple Bloom applauded him.

“Watch,” Apple Bloom said confidently and did the same trick.

If I don’t take control, this is going to turn into athletic tricks with food day!

Scootaloo flapped her wings and knocked candy into the air, then swung around and ate it all. She tried to say something, choked on the candy, and Apple Bloom had to kick her back to help her out. This sent candy all over Cunning Thought, who then flung pastries at Apple Bloom and now it all degenerated into a food fight.

“MY TEA PARTY!” I wailed.

Apple Bloom and Far Sight were *literally having a duel* as to who could kick food the other had kicked out of the air.

I tried to do the fainting couch trick but it never works for me and I just wrapped myself in the rug, then rolled out the front door of our clubhouse and down the ramp.

“Sweetie!” Dinky shouted; she galloped after me, lifted the rug with her magic and towed me back in; I rolled out of it to Cunning Thought’s feet.

“I’m sorry, Sweetie, we wrecked your party. I think everyone just needed to let it out a little,” Cunning Thought said. She gestured and a crown appeared on my head. “Celestia wore this when she was little but her head is too big now. It should fit you fine.”

I shivered, touching the gold, set with rubies. “Thank you,” I said weakly.

“It’s the least I can do to make up for this,” Cunning Thought said.

“Get us another grand adventure, that’ll make it up for it,” Scootaloo said.

“You helped wreck this party,” Dinky said chidingly to her.

“I will look into opportunities,” Cunning Thought said. “But right now, you need to focus on your studies while you still can. The freedom of childhood doesn’t last forever.”

“I’m a carrot slave and a school slave,” Scootaloo grumbled.

“Neither of us got to go to school,” Far Sight said chidingly, shaking his head. “You are lucky to live in a time when you can.”

“The Shires have schools, but Karameikos and Sind don’t, but in Darokin, you have to pay after the first two years, so most people don’t,” I said, trying to remember the geography lesson. “Glantri has a big school for wizards, but only pay schools beyond that, in Thyatis, your family hires or owns a tutor for you or you get nothing…” I frowned. “Why do other countries put up with Thyatis having slaves?”

“Because Thyatis is incredibly powerful,” Far Sight said. “And the Alphatians, who would be more powerful if they weren’t so selfish, also keep slaves.”

“If they weren’t so selfish?” Twist asked.

“Many powerful Alphatians could destroy entire companies of troops but would rather spend their time studying exactly how many shades of purple exist, or finding the secrets of the Elemental Planes or seeing if you can really be stoned on zzonga continually,” Far Sight said, frowning.

“Knowledge is power, but power…” Cunning Thought sighed. “Celestia is good at getting people to use their knowledge to help others.” She looked at Far Sight. “Is Odin still hanging himself to get off?”

Get off what?

“For knowledge, yes,” Far Sight said. “It shouldn’t be too much longer.”

“Too much is never enough,” Dinky said. We looked at her. “Sorry, I just like the sound of that.” She ate an oatmeal cake.

“We should clean up,” Cunning Thought said; to my surprise, she did it as if she was an earth pony, though she did use magic to move the broom, instead of just magicking it clean.

“Why not use magic?” I asked her as *I* began throwing things in the garbage bag with magic.

“My physical magic is best at breaking things; it’s because I am in the Sphere of Entropy. Some people demonize us, but it is our job to get rid of old, broken things, so that Thought can conceive new things and Matter and Energy make them. Then Time remembers them and wears them down and we dispose of them, closing the cycle,” Cunning Thought said. “Some of my co-workers overdo it, though.”

Far Sight made a noise, but did not comment.

“That’s why, even though all the spheres fight each other sometimes, we’re all part of the same Immortal Society. As you will be one day,” Cunning Thought said.

We all couldn’t help but smile at that. There’s going to be a lot of pony immortals soon. We’ll show them how it’s done!

It was time for the Crusader song!

***************

Thanatos’ Ending:

HE WENT AND HAD A TEA PARTY WITH A GROUP OF FILLIES.

Masauwu sighed. “Yes, lord, she went and had a tea party with fillies. They had a food fight. She apparently is encouraging them to think they can become immortals.”

SO HE INTENDS TO USE THEM AS PUPPETS.

“Or this is part of one of her pranks,” he said. “Far Sight was there, so maybe Odin is connected to this."

ODIN. HE IS CURRENTLY HANGING FOR WISDOM AGAIN.

“Which doesn’t preclude him setting things in motion before,” Masauwu pointed out. It’s the kind of strategy Masauwu himself would employ, as I think about it.

The problem with Masauwu is that he is an amazing spy but cannot be trusted. All my agents are, unfortunately, either untrustworthy or idiots.

I will have to keep an eye on those children. But I know they are connected to *actual* candidates for Immortality.

I am going to have to rely on Masauwu, risky as that is. His first loyalty is to Talitha and always will be. If she had any higher ambition than rolling around on a giant pile of wealth (as if she couldn’t just create wealth from nothing), she would be impressive. As it stands, I don’t think she will betray me; I have no money to pointlessly steal.

Well, whatever Loki thinks he is doing, Masauwu will find out.

Then I just have to ensure he doesn’t lie to me about it.

Masauwu’s eyes widened and he rubbed them.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

“I am not sure what happened,” he said, sounding unusually rattled. He glanced about the room. “I didn’t actually vanish, did I?”

NO.

He sighed. “This body needs some rest, I think. I will put another avatar in charge of spying on them.”

GET TO IT.

Was he faking… I decided to forget about it. Even Immortals have moments of weakness.

Once I find the Hourglass, I will be able to erase this wretched excuse for an existence and return things to how they should be.

This time, the Cleansing will work.

This time.

THE END FOR NOW.

World Map

You will notice that Equestria basically replaces the Atruaghin Clans here.