Sweet and Sour

by MythrilMoth

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Sex, Fluttershy (EqG), Equestria Girls, Aria Blaze, Comedy
Length: 12029

As part of her rehabilitation, Aria Blaze is forced to move in with Fluttershy.

After their defeat at the hands of the Rainbooms, the Sirens wanted to make a break for it, leave Canterlot, and regroup someplace else.

But with the authorities now onto them, that isn't an option.

Faced with being sent to juvy or worse, an orphanage, the Sirens are given an alternative they don't particularly like:

Being "rehabilitated" by their enemies.

At Principal Celestia's suggestion, the Sirens are separated from one another, and each is sentenced to live with one of the Rainbooms. Adagio is sent to live with Sunset Shimmer. Sonata is sent to live with Pinkie Pie.

Aria is sent to live with Fluttershy. One of these girls is in for a whole lot of trouble.

(A "dueling stories" fic exchange with Mirai-chan, inspired by Andrea Libman and Diana Kaarina playing twin sisters on Strawberry Shortcake's Berry Bitty Adventures.)

Rated teen for language, innuendo, and hygiene topics.

Published 2015-08-25 03:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-04-02 07:06:09 UTC

Kitty and Razor

Fluttershy stretched and yawned as the spring sun shone through her open bedroom window, casting a warm glow across her smooth butter-yellow face. She beamed as she sat up, taking a deep breath of fresh spring air, damp with dew and the smell of grass and flowers. "Good morning, Angel!" she sang to the rabbit curled up in the basket next to her bed. She turned to address the field mouse nibbling sunflower seeds on her desk and the hummingbird pecking at a seed bell that hung in the open window. "Good morning, Mr. Nibbles! Oh, good morning, Ms. Tweets!" She slid her bare feet over the edge of the bed, wriggling her toes. "How are you all today, my wonderful animal friends?"

A loud yowl from the bedroom next door was her answer, followed by a string of foul language that made Fluttershy cringe and cover her ears.

Fluttershy's door slammed open, and an irate Aria Blaze stood in the door frame. Her hair was tangled, her eyes were bloodshot, and she wore a light, loose green tank top and a ratty pair of denim shorts. In one hand, she held a hissing, spitting cat by the scruff of the neck. "One last time, Flutterbutter, keep your mangy hairballs out of my face!"

"Oh, but Mr. Fuzzy-Wuzzums just wanted to say good morning to you!" Fluttershy protested meekly. "And, um, it's Fluttershy."

"Whatever!" Aria snarled. "The next time I wake up with your nasty pussy in my face, I'm setting fire to it!"

"The things I hear in this house in the morning," Fluttershy's father said from behind Aria. "Now, Fluttershy, I don't mind if you want to pursue an...alternative lifestyle? But—"

"GAH! Dad! NO!" Fluttershy yelped, face flaming. "ARIA!"

Aria snickered. "Okay, the whole thing with the stupid cat was worth it just for that." Tossing Mr. Fuzzy-Wuzzums into the room, Aria turned and padded back to her room.

A second later, she reappeared. "Oh, and by the way? I call first dibs on the shower," she said.

"You always do," Fluttershy huffed as the door closed behind Aria. "Oh, are you okay Mr. Fuzzy-Wuzzums? Oh, just...please, don't...OUCH! Mr. Fuzzy-Wuzzums! I am NOT a scratching post!"

Two weeks earlier...

Adagio Dazzle, Aria Blaze, and Sonata Dusk sat in front of a desk, behind which sat a middle-aged woman in a black robe with a severe but concerned expression. On either side of the three girls sat Principal Celestia and Vice-Principal Luna. A bailiff stood by the door, and behind the three girls stood a young, ivory-skinned man in a navy blue police uniform, his shaggy electric blue hair sticking out at odd angles from under his cap.

"Well then," the judge said. "You young ladies are in quite a bit of trouble." She peered at them over her half-moon spectacles. "I wanted to discuss this situation in my chambers instead of in a hearing because of the...unusual circumstances." She glanced at Celestia, her lips pressed into a thin frown. "Honestly, if Celestia and I weren't such close friends, I would never have believed a word of any of this."

"I've learned in the last several months that there are some very strange things in this world that science and logic just don't explain," Celestia said. "Heck, I have a girl attending my school who, as I understand it, isn't even human."

"Hmm," the judge said. "Yes, I've been meaning to ask about that Sunset Shimmer girl..."

"Please don't," Celestia said imploringly. "She's...she's in a better place now. With friends. She's a good girl. I don't want to see her end up in here."

The judge frowned thoughtfully, then shrugged. "For you? Fine. But you owe me." She returned her attention to the Sirens. "Now, as for you three. As I understand the situation, you've been exiled from your country of birth, with no possibility of return. You've been living here among us under false pretenses, using a form of mind control to get by." Her nose wrinkled. "I'll admit I prefer that, as strange as it is, to the prostitution cases I usually get in a situation like this." She coughed. "Now that you've lost your mind control abilities, your situation has changed."

"Yeah, we got kicked out of our home," Sonata said. "We barely even got to take any of our stuff with us!"

"We're being sued by like, a whole lot of people," Aria complained. "And the bank froze our accounts."

"And then this jerk hauled us in like common criminals," Adagio said, jerking a thumb at the cop standing behind her. "Just because we decided to help ourselves to something to eat..."

"You were shoplifting," the officer said.

"Thank you, Officer Armor," the judge said. "The court is aware of the charges against these girls. All of the charges." She shuffled papers in a folder on her desk. "What exactly is it you want me to do here, Celestia? I mean, by law, these girls should either go into the system or, more likely, to juvenile detention."

"I don't WANNA go to jail!" Sonata wailed, clutching her balled-up fists beneath her chin. "They DO stuff to you in jail! BUTT STUFF!!"

Everyone stared at her.

"She watches a lot of TV," Aria said, rolling her eyes.

"If you sent these three to juvy, they'd be running a girl gang by the end of the first week," Luna said.

"Damn right I would," Adagio said, buffing her nails on her shirt.

"I don't see an orphanage as a viable alternative either," the judge said with a frown.

Celestia made a pained face. "I had hoped to offer a more...unconventional method of rehabilitating these girls."

The judge leaned forward. "Explain."

"Well, you see..." Celestia hesitated. "There's a group of girls at my school. The Rainbooms—well, that's what we call them ever since they started their own band."

Adagio's eyes widened. "Oh no."

"The five main members were instrumental in rehabilitating Sunset Shimmer after the Fall Formal incident."

"Oh please God no."

"I was thinking, perhaps if we were to place each of the Sirens in the care of a different member of the Rainbooms, and let them guide these girls..."

"JAIL! JAIL! I WANT JAIL!" Adagio screamed, shooting out of her chair. "LOVELY, STONE-WALLED, LOCKED-CELLS, COCKROACHES-ON-THE-FOOD JAIL!"

Everyone paused and stared at her as her chest heaved.

The judge smiled. "Celestia? I think I can work with that..."

* * * * *

Fluttershy hummed to herself as she padded barefoot down the hall to the bathroom. The humid air and slightly corn-chippy smell told her Aria was finished. She stepped in, turning on the ventilation fan, and slipped off her bathrobe, hanging it on the hook on the door. She pulled back the shower curtain, grimacing at the thin layer of grime on the shower floor. With a sigh, she raised a foot to step in...

Then frowned at her leg. "Maybe I need a quick shave," she said to herself.

She opened the medicine cabinet and paused, frowning. Her razor wasn't where she'd left it last. She reached for it, lifted it up, and yelped as she found a coarse purple hair sticking out from between the blades.

"Oh, she didn't," Fluttershy hissed, narrowing her eyes. With a disgusted sigh, she put her razor back, opened the cabinet under the sink, grabbed the bag of disposables, pulled out her shave gel, and went to work on her legs.

After her shower, a freshly-scrubbed Fluttershy with tiny round band-aids stuck to several nicks on her legs arrived at the breakfast table, not completely dressed for school yet, and sat down at her place. She cleared her throat to get the attention of Aria, who was reading a comic book on the other side of the table. "Excuse me, Aria?"

"Yeah?" Aria replied disinterestedly, not bothering to look up. Fluttershy's dad reached for his coffee, face hidden behind the morning paper.

"Why did you use my razor to shave your—" Fluttershy faltered slightly. "Umm, bikini area?"

A stream of coffee flew across the table.

Aria shrugged. "Mine sucks. I like yours better."

"But it's my razor," Fluttershy said. "That I use—well, USED to use—to shave my legs. Do you have any idea how disgusting it is to find another girl's no-no hair in your razor?"

Fluttershy's dad made a "gaaah" noise from behind the paper.

Aria smirked. "'No-no hair'? Seriously? Are you five?"

"Aria! I'm serious! You can't just go around using my stuff like that!"

Aria raised an eyebrow. "But isn't that part of the whole magic of friendship thing?" She made air quotes. "Sharing and all that?"

"Sharing is very important, yes, but not my razor! Not when you have your OWN razor, and definitely not when you use it to shave YOUR pub—"

"BREAKFAST!" Fluttershy's mom sang rather loudly, scurrying up to the table and laying out plates. "Aria, how about after school, we pick you up a NEW razor? One that you maybe like better? And Fluttershy dear, I'll pick you up one too, of course."

"Thank you, Mom," Fluttershy said primly.

* * * * *

"She makes me so mad I could just...I could just scream!" Fluttershy took a deep breath and...let out a tiny squeak barely louder than a mouse.

The Rainbooms sat at their usual table, eating lunch together. Sonata sat with them, next to Pinkie Pie; ever since the sentencing, the two had quickly become fast friends. Rainbow Dash often complained that having Sonata around was like having a second Pinkie Pie. Adagio and Aria stayed away from the Rainbooms at school as much as possible. Adagio had struck up a narcissism-based friendship with Trixie, and Aria tended to hang out with the punk kids.

Rarity patted Fluttershy's hand sympathetically. "Now, darling, you simply must calm yourself! You are the kindest, most patient person I know. If anyone—"

"Aria's a lost cause," Sonata said cheerfully, scraping the sides of her pudding cup. "I should know, I had to put up with her for a really long time."

"Shucks, Ah bet Fluttershy'll turn her right around inside of a month," Applejack said, swinging a fist.

"It can't possibly be worse than living with Adagio," Sunset said. "The landlord's getting sick and tired of me calling him up to pull hair clogs out of the drain. I'm seriously tempted to shave her bald in her sleep."

"That won't work," Sonata said. "Adagio's hair can't be cut by any known blade, razor, shaver, or clipper."

Sunset stared at her. "You're kidding."

"Her hair ate three stylists last year," Sonata said with a wide grin.

"Oh my," Fluttershy said, eyes wide. She shook her head. "Anyway, it's...it's not just the razor thing, although that was disgusting. It's just...she's determined to try to make me angry, and she isn't even trying to be nice." She glanced at Sonata. "How did you ever put up with her?"

Sonata shrugged. "Constantly insulting each other, hair-pulling catfights...oh! One time, I took this aluminum baseball bat, and clobbered her SO HARD she didn't wake up for a week!"

Everyone, even Pinkie Pie, edged away from Sonata.

"I'll...um...take that baseball bat thing under advisement," Fluttershy said.

Sonata giggled. "Yeah...good times. Good times."

"Man, am I glad I didn't get stuck with one of those crazy girls," Rainbow said, shaking her head.

"Look, Fluttershy," Sonata said seriously, leaning forward. "The one thing about Aria is, you can't let her walk all over you. And, don't take this the wrong way? But you're kind of a doormat."

"She is NOT!" Rarity said. She paused, then added, "Well...not all the time."

"I know they stuck her with you because she's the meanest of us and you're the nicest of the Rainbooms," Sonata said. "But with Aria, you gotta push back. Seriously. She crossed a line, right?" She grinned. "Get even."

Fluttershy gasped. "I...I don't know if I could ever do something like that..."

"If you don't, there's no telling where you'll end up finding her pubes next, or which of your animals she might do something nasty to."

Fluttershy's eyebrows drew together. "Hmm..."

* * * * *

When Aria returned from school after detention and shopping, she found Fluttershy sitting at the kitchen table with a large, delicious-looking ice cream sundae in front of her, covered in gooey chocolate sauce and whipped cream. She licked her lips and grinned.

Fluttershy was just about to spoon up some of the creamy chocolatey goodness when Aria swooped in and plucked up the sundae. "Thanks, I was starving," Aria said.

"Aria! That's MINE!" Fluttershy said.

"Eh, make yourself another," Aria said. She dug the spoon in, spooned up a heaping amount of ice cream, syrup, and whipped cream, and slowly shoveled it into her mouth, her eyes fixed on Fluttershy's pouting face the whole while...

Suddenly, Aria's eyes went wide in surprise.

The sundae clattered to the table, the spoon ringing against the edge of the bowl.

Aria started to cough and wheeze. "Hot, hot, hoHAAAAAAH...ack...grgle..."

"Too spicy?" Fluttershy asked. She reached under the table and pulled out a bottle labeled "Dirty Bastard Sauce". "I only added a couple of tablespoons of this."

"YOU LITTLE gaaaah...grk...hrgle...what..."

For almost a minute, Aria coughed, hacked, and wheezed, before spewing a thick, disgusting hairball onto the kitchen table.

"Oh, THAT'S where that went!" Fluttershy said cheerfully.

Aria glared at her, then stomped off to her room, slamming the door.

With a smile, Fluttershy cleaned up the table, disposed of the trap sundae, and made herself a real one, whistling a happy little tune.

* * * * *

After dinner, Aria was lying in bed listening to angry punk rock and reading a magazine when Fluttershy walked in, carrying a bowl, a spoon, and a napkin. She glared up at her, rolled her eyes in disgust, then went back to her magazine.

Fluttershy reached out and plucked Aria's headphones off. "HEY!" Aria snarled.

"Here, this is for you," Fluttershy said, offering her the bowl and a smile. Aria frowned and looked inside. It was chocolate ice cream. "It isn't poisoned, there's no hot sauce or hairballs. It's just plain ice cream." Fluttershy smiled encouragingly. "To apologize for earlier. What I did to you was pretty mean."

Aria scowled, but accepted the bowl. She dipped the spoon in and took a tentative test bite. After nothing bad happened, she took another. "No chocolate syrup or whipped cream?" she asked.

"No, just plain ice cream," Fluttershy said. "Good girls get sundaes. You're not there yet. Not by a long shot."

Aria snorted. "So how much trouble did you get in wasting so much ice cream on that bullshit prank?"

"Oh, none at all," Fluttershy said. "That was my own personal ice cream I bought with my own pet-sitting money. It's mine to eat, share, or waste as I please."

Aria stopped eating and frowned. "You wasted ice cream you bought with your own money just to mess with me?"

"Let that be a lesson to you," Fluttershy said. She motioned to the ice cream in the bowl. "And this came from my own personal ice cream too. Friends do share, you know. Just...not razors and toothbrushes and things like that."

Aria ate some more ice cream, then looked up with a frown. "Why do you spend your own money on ice cream?" she asked. "Couldn't you just ask your mom and dad?"

"Oh, I could," Fluttershy said, "but I prefer to buy it myself, because I like the expensive kind. You see, I...I need my ice cream sundae every afternoon. It's kind of my thing, you know? Every day after school, I come home, I feed and water my animals, and I make myself one ice cream sundae. I've been doing that since I don't know how long." She paused. "I think...I started doing that right after Sunset Shimmer showed up at school. Back then, when she was a bully and, well..." Fluttershy trailed off. "That ice cream sundae was what I looked forward to every day. It was the one thing that was all for me, the one thing nobody could take away from me."

Aria paused. "And I tried to take it away from you," she said.

"And where did that get you?" Fluttershy asked with a smile.

Aria rolled her eyes and snorted. "I won't touch your ice cream without asking anymore," she said.

"Thank you." Fluttershy turned to leave.

Aria watched her, then finished the ice cream, shaking her head.

Author's Note

This is just a little something inspired by the fact that Andrea Libman and Diana Kaarina (Fluttershy and Aria) voice twin sisters Sweet and Sour Grapes in Strawberry Shortcake's Berry Bitty Adventures. Andrea Libman even uses Fluttershy's exact voice for Sweet.

I'm still on hiatus, so I'm not sure when I'll be updating this. In the meantime, go check out the counterpoint to this story written by Mirai-chan!

Wino and Dine

As Aria sat at the table the next morning, she contemplated Fluttershy's parents. When she'd first been forced to move in with the family, she'd been so angry with the situation and so bent on finding a way out of it that she hadn't really paid much attention to them. As the days passed into weeks, however, she started taking note of them—not nearly enough to bother remembering their names, but at least enough to figure out what made them tick, to a degree.

Mr. Whatever, as she thought of him, was a pretty typical, nondescript guy. He had light green skin the color of fresh puke, silvery-white hair that piled up in a curly wisp atop his head, and a neatly trimmed, thick white mustache. He tended to wear long-sleeved shirts and ties of various shades of blue or brown, tan or brown slacks, and black or brown shoes. She'd never seen him wear a suit jacket, but he did occasionally wear black square-framed glasses that magnified his emerald green eyes.

Mrs. Whoever—Fluttershy's mother—was pretty for an older gal. Her flawless skin was a shade of yellow only slightly darker than Fluttershy's, her hair was a deep, rich rose pink and hung down her back in long, loose waves that curled at the ends to look vaguely like rosebuds, and she had soft magenta eyes which were often, but not always, magnified by square-framed green glasses—she wore them around the house, though whenever she went out, she always put in her contacts. She was always smiling kindly, even if sometimes it seemed a bit forced, and Aria had never once heard her raise her voice. She tended to wear frumpy dresses and an apron most of the time, but Aria had seen her work out in the living room on weekends, and knew she had a trim, fit figure that she worked hard to maintain.

As Mrs. Whoever laid out breakfast and Fluttershy sat down at the table, Aria thought about her talk with Fluttershy the night before. As annoying as Fluttershy and her friends were, and as frustrating as the situation was, Aria had spent half the night thinking, and something had finally dawned on her:

Now that she didn't have her magic, now that the Sirens were effectively no more, she was going to need help to get by in this stupid world. As disgusting as the thought was, that meant...

Ugh...

Making friends.

After all, very few people made it to the top without help. And the Sirens no longer had the resources or the reputation to carry them through life.

Which meant Aria was going to have to do what Sunset Shimmer had done after her fall.

And that thought truly sickened her.

"Aria? It's time for us to leave if we're going to get to school on time," Fluttershy said.

Aria shook herself and nodded. "Yeah yeah, alright." She hurriedly finished her breakfast, then grabbed her bag. "Let's go."

* * * * *

The walk to school from Fluttershy's house took fifteen minutes. Halfway to school, Fluttershy suddenly stopped walking and turned, wide-eyed. Aria followed her gaze and rolled her eyes.

There was a man sitting against the corner of one of the brightly-painted buildings, half in and half out of the mouth of the alley. His sickly green skin was covered in grime, and the patched, ragged trenchcoat he wore was stained and filthy and moth-eaten in places. He looked up at them with a bleary, veiny gaze.

"What, you've never seen a hobo before?" Aria said derisively.

"Oh my," Fluttershy said softly, tears welling in her eyes. "You poor, poor man."

"He's just a hobo," Aria complained. "He doesn't matter."

"Aria!" Fluttershy snapped. "Everybody matters! And someone in his situation absolutely deserves kindness!" Slinging her pack off her back, Fluttershy dug around in it and pulled out a small sandwich baggie full of carrot sticks. She walked over to the homeless man and knelt down slightly, offering him the carrots and a smile. "Here, please," she said. "I know it's not much, but...it should help, right?"

The man focused his gaze on her and smiled, reaching out for the carrots with callused hands in torn fingerless gloves. "Thank you," he said.

"You're welcome," Fluttershy said brightly. As she turned back to Aria, the homeless man stood up suddenly.

"Wait, miss! I have something for you, too!"

Fluttershy turned back and smiled. "Oh, that's not necessary," she said. "Really, I'm happy to share a little of what I have—"

"But I insist!" the man said. He unbuttoned and opened his coat.

He wasn't wearing anything underneath.

Fluttershy stopped short, eyes wide. Her brain seized up, her lips moved, and all she could manage was a shocked, muted squeak.

Aria scowled. "UGH!" She walked up to the grinning flasher, drew back her foot, and kicked him squarely in the balls.

His eyes rolled back in his head, his face twisted up into a pained grimace, and he crumpled in on himself, falling to the sidewalk like a sack of flour. The carrots slipped out of his hand, landing at Aria's feet. She scooped them up and offered them to Fluttershy. "Here."

"Umm...I...I don't want them back..."

"TAKE THE FUCKING CARROTS!"

"Eep! O-okay."

Fluttershy put the carrots back in her pack, then pulled out a bottle of hand sanitizer and a couple of tissues and vigorously scrubbed her fingers. Aria rolled her eyes and resumed her trek to school, Fluttershy following quickly a moment later.

* * * * *

Fluttershy spent most of the morning in a rattled, disturbed state. At lunch, her friends were quick to notice.

"What did she do this time?" Sunset asked.

Fluttershy looked up. "Huh? Who...?"

"Aria. What did she do this time?"

"Oh...! N-nothing," Fluttershy said.

"Then what's wrong?" Rarity asked. "You look positively traumatized."

Fluttershy ducked her head, her face flaming. "W-we, umm...ran into a homeless man on the street this morning. He...exposed himself."

"EWW!" Pinkie said. "Nasty!"

"Ugh, what a creep," Rainbow said. "There ought to be laws against that."

"There are," Sunset said.

"How ghastly," Rarity said, shaking her head.

"So what happened after that?" Sunset asked.

Fluttershy ducked her head. "Aria, umm...kicked him. In...in the privates."

There was a long pause. Then the entire table erupted in laughter.

"AWESOME!" Rainbow said.

"He sure as shootin' had THAT comin'!" Applejack said with a grin.

"Bet he'll think twice before he does that again!" Pinkie added.

Sunset smirked. "Okay, maybe Aria's not all bad."

Sonata giggled. "You can always count on Aria for things like that. This one time, in Fillydelphia? Some guy tried to stick a flute up my—"

Across the cafeteria...

"So then I kicked him again, and again, and then I picked up this broken baseball bat that someone threw in the alley, and I started wailing on him over and over again!" Aria said. She looked around the table at her rapt audience, smiling evilly. "There was so much blood." She buffed her nails on her shirt. "Yeah, I pretty much killed him."

"Whoa," said the guy with the red mohawk.

"In-tense," another kid said.

Back at the Rainbooms' table...

"—and then she stuffed him head-first in one of those porta-potties and knocked it over so he couldn't get out!"

The girls stared, slack-jawed and wide-eyed, at Sonata.

"Uhh..." Rainbow said.

"Holy cow," Pinkie offered.

Sonata giggled. "That's what she'd tell you if you asked her about it. What really happened is she offered him twenty bucks to play a concerto on it."

Every girl at the table facefaulted.

"Yeah...those were good times..."

"If...you say so," Rainbow said, edging away from Sonata.

"But kicking some punk in the junk totally does sound like something she'd do," Sonata said, sipping her juice box.

* * * * *

On the way home from school, Fluttershy said, "You know we're going out to dinner tonight, right?"

Aria tilted her head. "We are?"

"We talked about this, remember? It's Mom's birthday."

"Oh." Aria shrugged. "Cool."

Two hours later, Aria found Fluttershy, wearing a pretty green dress and slippers, Mrs. Whoever, wearing a very classy black evening gown and heels, and Mr. Whatever, clean-shaven and wearing a black suit, all waiting in the living room. For her part, Aria was wearing the outfit she'd worn to the ill-fated finals of the Battle of the Bands.

Fluttershy frowned. "Aria, don't you have anything...nicer to wear?"

Aria scowled and folded her arms. "I have what I have, okay?"

"It's fine," Mrs. Whoever said with a smile. "Let's just get going."

"So where are we going?" Fluttershy asked.

"This Italian place we've been wanting to try," Mr. Whatever said. "They have a huge menu of pastas and pizzas and hamburgers, and I've seen the pictures of the desserts they sell on their website. They look amazing, and I'm not even a big dessert eater!"

"That sounds lovely," Fluttershy said with a smile. "Doesn't it sound lovely, Aria?"

Aria shrugged. "Whatever."

They got in the car and drove clear across town to a place called Suri's Italian Kitchen. "Well, this is the place," Mr. Whatever said.

Aria frowned. "There sure aren't a lot of cars here."

"Hmm...there aren't, are there?" Mrs. Whoever said.

They got out of the car and headed for the door. They were swiftly greeted by a brown-skinned man with deep-set, beady eyes, a suspicious set to his jaw, and thick, shaggy black eyebrows. "Welcome guests welcome!" he said in a thick Yakyakistani accent. "You come, you sit!" He grabbed a handful of menus and led them over to a table. As they sat down, he handed them the menus. "What I get you to drink?" he asked.

"I'll just have water with lemon," Fluttershy said.

"I'll have a raspberry iced tea," Mrs. Whoever said.

"I'll have a ginger ale," Mr. Whatever said.

"Root beer," Aria said.

"Okay good," the Yakyakistani man said. He wandered off.

As the others scanned the menus, Aria looked around the place with a bored frown. There weren't very many customers at tables, and fewer still had food. A frazzled-looking girl with short seafoam hair scurried out of the back, carrying two plates which she placed in front of a pair of diners. She leaned in and spoke quietly and hurriedly to them, then ran back into the back.

Aria turned her attention to the menu. It was an unusually complex menu, and a lot of the offerings listed off ingredients she didn't know anything about.

"My, they certainly have a diverse menu here," Fluttershy said.

"Yes, they do," Mrs. Whoever said.

The Yakyakistani man came out with their drinks, placing them on the table with very little real care (and in the wrong order). "What you want appetizer?" he asked.

"I think...we'll have the herbed flatbread for the table, and..." Mr. Whatever hummed thoughtfully. "The homemade meatballs for everyone? Does that sound good?"

"Sounds good to me," Aria said.

"Umm, I think I'll have the oil cured black olives instead of meatballs," Fluttershy said.

The Yakiyakistani man wrote that down, then nodded. "I get that out right out to you. My server come take your dinner order in a minute." He bustled over to the point-of-sale system and punched something in, then disappeared into the back.

Mr. Whatever subtly rearranged their drinks. "I don't think much of that guy," he muttered under his breath.

"I don't think he showered today," Aria muttered. "Or yesterday."

A few minutes later, the frazzled-looking seafoam-haired girl walked briskly over to them, pad and pencil in hand. "Hello," she said in a timid, breathless voice. "I'm Coco, I'll be your server this evening. Umm...I think your appetizers should be out soon?"

"That's fine, dear," Mrs. Whoever said gently.

"Okay, umm...what would you all like?"

"I'd like the house salad," Mrs. Whoever said, "with vinaigrette, and the baked penne."

"And I'll have the sausage and pepperoni pizza, twelve inch," Mr. Whatever said.

"Umm, I'll have...the pear salad and the spaghetti aoli," Fluttershy said. "No wait, scratch that, instead of the aoli, I want the tomato spinach ravioli."

"I'll try that Blue Ribbon burger," Aria said. "And sweet potato fries."

Coco finished writing that all down, then asked, "Would you, umm...would you care for a large pizza for the table?"

They looked around at each other and shrugged. "Sure," Mr. Whatever said. "What do you girls want?"

"What do you recommend?" Mrs. Whoever asked Coco.

Coco visibly cringed. "Oh, umm...well..."

"How about the three cheese with tomato sauce?" Fluttershy suggested.

"Whatever," Aria said.

"I think that sounds lovely," Mrs. Whoever said, handing her menu over to Coco.

"A-alright then," Coco said. She collected the menus, then said, "Umm...your appetizers should be out soon, and...and I'll see about getting those salads out to you..."

As she wandered off, Mrs. Whoever smiled. "Well! I don't know about you, but I have a feeling everything's going to be lovely!"

"The chef here certainly has confidence, with a menu like that," Mr. Whatever said.

Fifteen minutes passed.

Coco came by to refill their drinks. "Excuse me," Mr. Whatever said. "We still haven't seen any sign of our appetizers."

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry," Coco said. "It's...it's coming, I promise. And the salads. Umm...just hang on just another minute, alright?"

As she left, Aria's gaze was fixed on another table. "You know...they were here when we got here. I haven't seen anything come out to their table."

"Maybe there's a problem in the kitchen?" Fluttershy suggested.

A minute later, the Yakyakistani man returned with a grumpy expression, slamming a skillet with a greasy-looking lump of flatbread on their table. "Appetizers," he grunted. He placed four shallow bowls with six large, breaded meatballs on the table, along with four covered styrofoam tubs of marinara sauce.

"Umm, excuse me," Fluttershy said. "I...I asked for olives, not meatballs..."

The Yakyakistani man glowered at her. "You want to make food slower?" he asked.

Fluttershy shrank down in her chair. "N-no...meatballs are fine..."

The man grunted and stampeded away.

Mrs. Whoever frowned. "That man is very rude," she said.

"Yes," Mr. Whatever agreed.

Coco scampered into view, balancing two salads. She nearly tripped as she reached their table, but managed to put the salads in front of Mrs. Whoever and Fluttershy. "Sorry for the wait," she said.

"Excuse me," Mr. Whatever said. "My daughter ordered olives instead of meatballs, but the man who brought out our appetizers was very rude to her when she spoke up for herself."

Coco winced. "I'm terribly sorry about that, sir. I'll...I'll see what I can do about those olives."

"Would it be possible to speak to the owner about that man's attitude?" Mr. Whatever asked.

Coco flinched. "Umm...that is the owner," she said.

"Oh dear," Mrs. Whoever said. "The owner is serving tables?" She looked around. "Are the other servers off tonight?"

"It's not even that crowded in here," Aria said.

"Y-yes, well..." Coco looked uncertain. "I'm, umm...the only server right now. The only server. They fired the other girl yesterday."

"Oh my," Fluttershy said.

"I'll be right back with those olives, and I'm so so sorry," Coco said, before darting off again.

The four diners looked at one another, then sighed. "At least...we have the appetizers and the salads," Mr. Whatever said. He cut a meatball in half with a fork and took a bite. He chewed thoughtfully, his brow furrowed. "Hrm."

Mrs. Whoever examined her salad. "They certainly went heavy on the dressing," she said. She frowned. "It looks rather...wilted, doesn't it?"

Fluttershy poked at her salad. "None of this is fresh," she said.

Aria tore off a strip of the flatbread and wrapped it around a meatball, then chewed on it for a minute. She let out a snort of digust. "This tastes like a toilet paper roll," she said.

Coco returned with a bowl of olives floating in oil, placed it in front of Fluttershy so quickly it splashed out onto the table, and scurried off again.

They all watched her go.

"Maybe...it'll get better when the rest of the food arrives?" Mrs. Whoever said.

Making judicious use of the marinara sauce provided, the red pepper flakes and parmesan cheese on the table, and some ordinary table salt, they managed to make their salads and appetizers vaguely edible, eating them slowly as they waited.

Twenty minutes later, the owner appeared again. "Hello how is everything?" he grunted with a lowered brow.

"Our food seems to be taking an awfully long time," Mr. Whatever said.

"Sorry sir we are very busy much backing up of orders."

Mr. Whatever looked around the mostly empty dining room. Only two other tables were occupied, and the two men sitting at one table were openly glaring at the owner.

The owner retreated into the kitchen.

"Well this place is a shithole," Aria said.

"Now, Aria," Mrs. Whoever chided. "I'm certain there's a very good explanation for this."

Coco rushed out and placed a plate of ravioli in front of Fluttershy and a plate with a large, visibly saturated burger and a dozen sad-looking sweet potato fries in front of Aria. "The pizzas are coming, please be patient," she said breathlessly. "I'll freshen up your drinks in just a minute!"

"Refills two dollar," the owner said absently as he whisked past the table.

"What." said Mr. Whatever.

Fluttershy took a deep breath and picked up a ravioli on her fork. She popped it in her mouth, chewed...

...then spit it out into her napkin. "Oh," she said. "Oh...oh no."

"What's wrong, dear?" Mrs. Whoever asked.

"These are horrible," Fluttershy said. "They're frozen. They're all runny and...and freezerburned, and...oh..." She picked up her water and took a long swig.

Aria examined her burger. "Okay, I'm no chef, but...I think there's way too much runny stuff on this."

Fluttershy frowned. "The menu said something about white truffle oil," she said. "I don't...really see why you'd even want that on a burger..."

Aria took a bite of the burger.

The burger took a piss on the plate.

The others stared at the puddle of grease that had leaked out of the burger.

Fluttershy covered her mouth with one hand, her cheeks bulging.

Aria let out a growl of frustration, stood up, picked up the plate, and stormed into the kitchen, ignoring the others' protests.

* * * * *

Aria found a pink-skinned woman with lavender hair in a high ponytail laying out ingredients on a pizza crust. She marched over to her. "Are you the chef?"

The woman looked up and frowned. "Who are you? Why are you in my kitchen?"

Aria slammed the burger onto the counter. "Look at this!" she yelled. "Look at all this SHIT that leaked out when I took a bite of this!"

The chef frowned. "That's truffle oil, mmkay? It's supposed to do that."

"BullSHIT!" Aria said. "This is like, way too much grease for one burger!"

"Look, I'm the chef here, mmkay? If you don't like it, maybe you shouldn't order it."

"How am I supposed to know I don't like it if I don't order it?"

"LOOK, little girl," the chef said, pointing a knife at Aria, "My recipes are FLAWLESS, mmkay? I know what I'm doing. YOU don't know anything because you're a kid who's probably never eaten a burger that cost more than two dollars and had anything but ketchup on it! Now get OUT of my kitchen and sit back down, or get out of my restaurant!"

Aria glared at her. "And what's taking so long with the pizzas, anyway? We ordered two pizzas—"

"HERE'S YOUR FUCKING PIZZA, MMKAY?!" the chef screamed. "DAMN! Give me time to COOK IT FIRST!" She waved her knife, a dangerous glint in her eye. "Get out before I call the police!"

The Yakyakistani man quickly rushed over, grabbed Aria by the shoulders, and strongarmed her back into the dining area. "Out! Out you go now! Sit down! I bring pizza soon, okay? Okay! Go!"

Aria rejoined the family at the table. They were watching her with wide, concerned eyes.

"Aria, you...you probably shouldn't have done that," Fluttershy said.

"This place SUCKS!" Aria cried. "And that crazy bitch pulled a knife on me!"

Mrs. Whoever's eyes flew wide open. "Oh my God..."

Mr. Whatever frowned. "I think I've had just about enough—"

The chef stormed out of the kitchen and SLAMMED a pizza, still on its baking sheet, in the middle of their table, knocking over their glasses. "Here's one of your PIZZAS!" she screeched. "I'll get the other one out WHEN IT'S READY!" She stormed back to the kitchen, banging the door as hard as she could.

Mr. Whatever, Mrs. Whoever, Fluttershy, and Aria all studied the sausage and pepperoni pizza as though it were a dangerous animal.

Mr. Whatever cut a slice, picking it up. The center sagged visibly. He took a bite, then put it back down, wiping his mouth. "It isn't even cooked all the way through," he said. He stood up. "Girls, I think...I think we should go."

"Absolutely," Mrs. Whoever said.

Coco scurried over, clutching a rag fearfully. "Is—is everything alright?" she asked.

Mr. Whatever pulled a five-dollar bill out of his wallet and handed it to her. He whispered, "Good luck." Squaring his shoulders, he stormed up to the counter, where the owner was watching them suspiciously.

"You leaving? One second, I add up check."

"We're not paying," Mr. Whatever said. "You got our orders wrong, the service was inexcusably slow, the food is terrible. I refuse to pay."

The owner glared at him. "You eat, you pay."

"Nothing was edible! We're still waiting on the pizza we ordered!"

The owner pointed at the uneaten pizza on the table. "Just brought you pizza!"

"We ordered more than one pizza!"

"TELL THEM I'M COOKING THEIR FUCKING PIZZA RIGHT NOW!" the chef screamed from the kitchen.

The owner's glower became murderous. "You upset my wife, I call police."

The chef suddenly stormed out of the kitchen. "HERE! THIS IS YOUR THREE CHEESE AND TOMATO PIZZA AND YOU CAN ALL SIT DOWN ON IT AND SHIT IN IT!" She slammed an uncooked pizza onto the counter, splattering tomato sauce all over Fluttershy's dress.

"Oh! My...my favorite dress," Fluttershy whimpered, staring down at the stains.

"It's an ugly dress anyway," the chef said waspishly, before storming back into the kitchen.

Mr. Whatever trembled. "This is inexcusable," he said.

The owner picked up a pizza cutter and waved it at him threateningly. "You get food, you eat, you pay. I call police. You pay, then you get out. I CALL POLICE!" He slammed the blade of the pizza cutter onto the counter with a menacing clang.

Aria scowled fiercely. "Enough is enough," she said. She stormed into the kitchen, ignoring Mrs. Whoever's protests. While the owner ranted and raved at them in Yakyakistani, Fluttershy and her family watched the kitchen door with wide, terrified eyes.

Loud, furious screams and profanities issued from the kitchen...which soon turned to panicked, angry screams, followed by an earsplitting shriek, followed by terrified screaming.

Aria stalked briskly out of the kitchen and back up to the family. "We should go. NOW." Without waiting, she hurried to the door.

Fluttershy and her parents exchanged nervous glances and followed her.

"Aria? What did you do?" Fluttershy asked nervously.

"Get in the car. Hurry. We need to go."

"I'm all for that," Mr. Whatever said. "I hope I never see this place or that terrible man again."

"I don't think that'll be a problem," Aria said as Mr. Whatever started the car.

They pulled out of the parking lot and coasted to a stop at the intersection. Just as the light turned green, there was a tremendous explosion. Fluttershy, Mrs. Whoever, and Mr. Whatever jumped.

As they turned and drove down the next street, Mr. Whatever shakily asked, "So...who's up for Burger Butt?"

"Sounds good to me," Mrs. Whoever said, eyes wide.

They drove off into the night as sirens filled the air and a plume of smoke rose from the burning restaurant.

* * * * *

Half an hour later, they were back home, safe and sound, with cheap fast food takeout on the kitchen table.

"Well, this dress is ruined," Fluttershy complained miserably as she unwrapped her chicken sandwich.

"Maybe they can get the stain out at the cleaners," Mrs. Whoever said.

"And if not, we'll...we'll find you a new one," Mr. Whatever added.

Fluttershy sighed. "I guess..." She looked up tearfully at her mother. "I'm sorry your birthday was ruined," she said.

"Oh, honey," Mrs. Whoever said, smiling. "As long as I'm with you and Dad, I'm happy." She glanced at Aria. "And you too, Aria dear."

Aria smirked. "Sure. Umm...happy birthday and stuff."

"Do you, uhh..." Mr. Whatever swallowed nervously. "Do you think we should maybe tell someone about what happened at that restaurant?"

Fluttershy glanced at Aria, then down at her ruined dress. "What restaurant?" she said in a light, cheerful tone. "I don't remember any restaurant. Do you, Aria?"

Aria snickered. "We didn't go to any restaurant," she said. "We got drive-thru, came home, and watched a movie."

"That's absolutely right, dears!" Mrs. Whoever said with an overly bright, cheerful smile as she added pepper to her bacon cheeseburger.

Mr. Whatever shook his head. "Well...that's that, then," he decided. "Let's see what's on TV."

Author's Note

Suri's restaurant is based on a certain infamous restaurant in Scottsdale, Arizona.

(The character of the owner is depicted as Yakyakistani, with much the same temperament as the yaks depicted in season 5 of FiM. The real-life owner of the aforementioned restaurant is Israeli, and far more psychotic than this character.)

Run and Gun

The quiet of a Saturday morning was shattered by a shrill scream from the bathroom.

"GOD DAMMIT, ARIA!!"

Aria's head snapped up from the violent Western she was watching in the living room. "Whoa. I didn't know she even knew words like that."

Mr. Whatever, who was reading the Saturday paper in his easy chair, frowned. "Aria, what did you do now?"

"How the hell should I know?"

Mrs. Whoever, wearing her jogging outfit, walked into the living room, one running shoe half-laced. "Was that Fluttershy?" she asked with a mild frown.

Fluttershy stomped down the hall, her bathrobe wrapped loosely around her otherwise nude body. An expression of pure disgust and rage twisted her normally kind, gentle face. "I am SICK of finding your PUBES ALL OVER THE BATHROOM!" she screeched at Aria.

Aria raised an eyebrow. "Hey, at least I'm not using your razor anymore."

"THAT'S NOT THE POINT!"

Mrs. Whoever coughed. "Fluttershy? Dear? Would you please calm down? You're not yourself this morning."

"It's not...it's not that time of the month, is it?" Mr. Whatever asked.

The girls ALL glared at him. He cringed. "Umm...I'll just be...upstairs." He folded his paper, stood up, and quickly left the living room.

As soon as they heard the upstairs bedroom door close, Mrs. Whoever turned to her daughter. "Is it?" she asked. "You're not usually this cranky, and you do look a little, umm...well..."

"Bloated," Aria said. "I just assumed it was all that ice cream."

Fluttershy shot her an evil stare, then closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Aria," she began in a calmer tone, "will you please clean up the bathroom after you shave your disgusting bikini area?"

Aria rolled her eyes. "Fine."

"There, now we're all calm and we have an understanding," Mrs. Whoever said with a placid smile. "Now—"

Fluttershy suddenly frowned and opened her robe, looking down at her bare body. "Do I really look that bad?" she asked.

Mrs. Whoever tilted her head. "Maybe just a little," she said. "Could just be a little water retention. Or gas, maybe?"

"No maybe about the gas," Aria snorted. "All that fake veggie meat shit you eat makes you fart up the place something fierce."

Fluttershy blushed furiously. "I do not fart up the place!"

"Actually," Mrs. Whoever said, laughing sheepishly, "sometimes it's...pretty bad."

Fluttershy stared at her mother, her jaw gaping. Her whole body sagged forward as her shoulders slumped dejectedly. "Everybody hates me today," she whined.

"Here's an idea!" Mrs. Whoever said brightly. "It's a nice day out and you girls could use some exercise. Why don't you get dressed and go jogging with me?"

"Pass," Aria said, rolling her eyes. "So not my idea of a good time."

Fluttershy looked down at her torso again. She pursed her lips. "I'll be right back," she said. As she turned for the stairs, she called back, "Aria, you're going jogging with us and that's final."

Aria groaned. "Ugh! Fine."

* * * * *

Unlike most people who went to the park to jog, or just ran around their own block, Mrs. Whoever had a rather aggressive and winding jogging trail. It started in their neighborhood, went three quarters of a mile up the road, took a right, then went another two miles to a convenience store, where she would stop to buy a bottle of water. After a moment to rest and rehydrate, the second leg began, covering the mile and a quarter from the convenience store to a small neighborhood park where young children liked to play on the swings, slides, and sandbox, with young mothers watching. After a circuit around this park, Mrs. Whoever's jogging path went up a gently inclined hilly street, then swung toward town. Just at the edge of the downtown area, before the bustling traffic and rows of shops, the three ladies stopped to rest on a bench beneath some shade trees set back from the road.

Mrs. Whoever popped out her earbuds and finished off her water, tossing the bottle into a recycling bin at the end of the bench. She smiled at the other girls. "Isn't this fun?" she asked.

"I...I guess so," Fluttershy panted. Sweat glued her light workout top to her body and plastered her bangs to her face. She was the only one who didn't think to bring her earbuds, but she'd heard plenty of nice, soothing animal noises from all around them—barking dogs, cats doing cat things, birds chirping—as well as the calm rustling of leaves and the voices of people going about their day.

Aria scowled at them. "I'm taking the bus home," she growled. "You're insane if you think I'm doing that much running again."

"You just need the right motivation," Fluttershy said. She tilted her head, feigning a show of deep contemplation. "I'm sure I can find a nice big friendly bear to keep you company."

Mrs. Whoever laughed. "You're a bad influence on her, Aria!" she said lightly. She shook her head. "I think we'll rest about ten minutes, then start heading back."

"You do that," Aria said. "I'm not moving from this spot."

As they sat resting from their run, a young cream-skinned man with thick glasses, messy hair, and bad acne walked up to them, holding a stack of fliers. "Good morning, ladies!" he said. "You look like you're in good shape—"

"Ugh, what a creep," Aria grumbled. "Buzz off, nerdlinger. We're all out of your league and this one's married."

The geeky guy blanched. "S-sorry, that's not what I meant!" he said hastily, waving his free hand. He produced three fliers and handed them to the ladies. "We're looking for local contestants to appear in a pilot taping of Laser Paint Ninja."

"Laser Paint Ninja?" Mrs. Whoever asked, tilting her head curiously.

"It's a physical challenge show we're producing at Crystal City Studio," the man explained. "Teams of contestants compete in athletic challenges that combine team combat games and obstacle courses. We're looking for teams of three to compete in the pilot. There's a three thousand dollar cash prize for the winning team." He frowned. "I know it's not much, but it's the pilot, we only have two sponsors right now."

"Oh my," Fluttershy said, looking over the flier. "This looks...a little dangerous."

"It looks rather...complicated," Mrs. Whoever added, brow furrowed.

"It looks kinda fun," Aria said, a faintly deranged grin crossing her face.

"We're signing up eight teams of three for the taping," the geek said. "We'll be shooting tomorrow afternoon." He paused. "Oh, I forgot to mention! Let me..." He rummaged around in his pocket and dug out a notepad. "The producer's offering special prizes to all participants, I don't know exactly what they are, but our sponsors Blue Box Electronics and Sports Locker are co-producing, so it'll be some good stuff. My boss said he wants to see some beautiful, sexy, athletic women compete because that's good for ratings, so I imagine there'll be something good in it for you ladies if you decide to show up."

Mrs. Whoever blushed faintly. "W-well," she said, twirling a lock of hair around her finger.

Aria grimaced. "Typical."

"Why is this the first I'm hearing about this?" Fluttershy wondered. "Sorry, but this sounds like the kind of thing my friend Rainbow Dash would've been talking about for weeks now."

The geek laughed shakily. "Aheh...well...the truth is, if the show gets the green light, it'll be promoted all over town and all over social media, but right now, we don't have the budget to do more than rent the equipment and offer small prizes for the pilot contestants. As for rounding up contestants, the only two PAs working this weekend are me and a new girl that just joined last week, so I'll be..." He sighed. "Running all over town all day, trying to get people to show up for this."

"Wow dude. That sucks." Aria looked at the flier. "Tomorrow, you say?"

"Tomorrow at two at Crystal City Studio," the PA confirmed. "If you're interested, just show up. If by some miracle we manage to get more than eight interested teams, we'll vet you at the door." He adjusted his glasses. "I can pretty much guarantee you'll get a spot on the show. I think you're exactly what the boss wants. Especially, umm..." He blushed. "Especially you," he said, looking at Fluttershy.

"M-me?" Fluttershy asked, recoiling slightly.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Mrs. Whoever asked, a faint scowl forming on her face.

"Ah—nothing bad, honest!" The PA waved his hands placatingly, sending several fliers scattering on the ground. "W-well...anyway, just think about it, please? I need to go, I need to find more...more contestants...yeah..." He scooped up his dropped fliers and scurried off.

The girls watched him go.

"What a strange young man," Mrs. Whoever said.

"He's an idiot," Aria snorted. She shook her head and looked at the flier. "Well, I know I'm doing this," she said. "I guess I should call up Adagio and...ugh...Sonata." She pinched the bridge of her nose. "Although I'm sure putting Adagio in a game like this will end up with all of us back in front of that judge, and if there's any possible way to screw this thing up, Sonata'll find it."

"Hmm." Mrs. Whoever looked at the flier again. "Three thousand dollars would certainly come in handy around the house," she said. "We do need a new sofa, and we could afford to buy you a new tablet..." She looked at Fluttershy, then at Aria. "Besides, this could be the perfect bonding activity. Don't you think?" She smiled hopefully.

Aria glanced at Fluttershy. "I don't know," she said. "I don't think Butterslice here even knows how to kick butt."

Fluttershy narrowed her eyes. "My friends and I certainly kicked your butt," she pointed out.

"Girls, I'm sure all three of us are capable of kicking whatever butt is expected of us," Mrs. Whoever said with the patient tone of a saint trying to calm down a room of hissing cats.

Aria studied the two of them, biting the inside of her cheek. "Well," she said at length, "I hate to admit it, but...seeing as how that little run we took this morning didn't kill you two, we might just have a shot at this thing."

"Says the girl who wanted to take the bus home," Fluttershy muttered.

Mrs. Whoever clapped her hands. "It's settled then!" she said. "You, me, and Fluttershy have a date at Crystal City Studio tomorrow!" She tilted her head and pressed a finger against her bottom lip. "Oh...! I think we should head to Sport Locker this afternoon and pick out some nice, coordinated athletic wear..."

* * * * *

Against the pessimistic production assistant's expectations, word had gotten out quickly about the pilot taping for Laser Paint Ninja. When the three ladies arrived at Crystal City Studio the following afternoon, there was a huge crowd outside. A familiar young girl with seafoam hair and a frantic look on her face stood on a wooden box in front of the doors, a megaphone in one hand. "Everybody, umm...attention please! Your attention, please!"

Aria raised an eyebrow. "Hey, isn't that that girl from the restaurant? Caca?"

"Coco," Fluttershy corrected.

"Well, I'm glad to see the poor thing found a new job," Mrs. Whoever said.

"I'm glad to see she got out of there alive," Fluttershy said.

Aria shot her a hurt look. "Hey," she said. "Whaddya think I am, a monster?"

Fluttershy cut her eyes toward Aria. "Do you want an honest answer to that?" she asked lightly.

Aria grimaced. "Fair enough," she said with a sigh. "Anyway, chill. I shooed her out the back before I lit up that pizza bitch. She was nothing but nice to us, she deserved to get out of there in one piece."

Coco blasted a squeal of feedback through the megaphone, which quieted down the crowd. She coughed politely, then said, "Alright. Welcome, everybody. I think we had a bit of a mix-up on the fliers about where to go if you're a contestant signup and where to go if you want to be in the studio audience, so, umm...if I could just get anybody who's here to actually go on the show to follow me, please? The rest of you just wait here, another staffer will be out to take care of you shortly. Thank you!"

The three joined a group that had peeled away from the main crowd, following Coco. Fluttershy did a quick head count and came up with thirty-three people milling around outside a side entrance, some of which were unexpectedly familiar.

"There sure are a lot of familiar faces here," Aria muttered as if echoing her thoughts.

"Yeah," Fluttershy agreed, her eyes wide and her heart beating wildly. With the exception of three girls she didn't recognize, nearly everyone here was from CHS—including almost all of her friends!

"Huh. Sonata showed up for this thing," Aria noted. Indeed, Sonata Dusk was sticking close to Rainbow Dash and Sunset Shimmer. "I don't see Adagio anywhere though..."

"My goodness," Mrs. Whoever said. "I think I see just about all of your friends here, Fluttershy!"

Fluttershy nodded, looking over the small crowd. "Everyone except Rarity," she said. "But Rarity and Sweetie Belle are out of town this weekend. I don't think Rarity would do this kind of thing anyway, though."

Aria snorted. "No shit."

Coco looked out over the group, clutching her clipboard tightly. Her eyes filled with worry and panic.

"Oh-okay. Umm. So...alright." She looked over the crowd. "Anybody here with any serious medical problems? Asthma, heart problems, anything that keeps you from doing strenuous activity?" Four hands shot up. "Okay, umm...I'm sorry, but for legal reasons, we can't let you be on the show. I'm really sorry!"

Two teams peeled away from the group and left, shoulders slumped. "Man, I coulda used that prize money," a guy in his late twenties whined.

"O-okay," Coco said. "Umm...I'm still counting one team too many, so I'm going to have to cut three of you. Or, umm...we can have you stand by as alternates, just in case. Yes. I think that might be better. Yes." She made a note on her clipboard, then unlocked the side door. "Alright, if you'll all follow me please, there are some forms to sign. Medical waivers, consent forms, participation agreements, things like that. I promise it's all on the up and up. Um. So they tell me. A-anyway, just follow me, please..."

"Ugh, she's too cute for her own good," Aria grumbled. "I might just throw up or die or something." She shook her head. "Come on, let's follow the Herald of Diabeetus."

"HEY Fluttershy!" Pinkie Pie's voice cried over the general din. Pinkie shot up in front of Fluttershy, making her squeak in surprise and stumble back. "Hey Aria! So you guys are here too? Oooh, and Mrs. Fluttershy's Mom! Hi, Mrs. Fluttershy's Mom! Remember me?"

"Who could forget you, Pinkie Pie?" Mrs. Whoever laughed lightly. "So, you're competing in this too?"

"Yep!" Pinkie beamed. "Me and two of my sisters!"

"Oh? Which two?" Fluttershy asked with interest. "I'm guessing one of them is Maud?"

Pinkie nodded. "Yeppers! Maud and Limestone." She looked around conspiratorially, then leaned in and whispered, "This kind of thing isn't really Marble's scene, you know?"

Fluttershy barely knew Marble Pie. All she knew about her was that the girl was even more timid than herself. "I can imagine."

Pinkie leaned waaaaay back, raising her hands to the sky and cracking her knuckles. "Welp! Better get over to my sisters to get signed in. Good luck!"

It took almost half an hour for them to get to the sign-in table and sign all the forms. After that, they were directed to a dressing room, where they changed and waited for Coco.

Fluttershy and her mother had opted for matching outfits: snug-fitting forest green, bare-midriff crop tops, black bicycle shorts, green socks, and white running shoes. They'd tied their hair up into high ponytails, with their bangs held out of their faces by green headbands. Aria refused to match them, preferring to go with a simple black sports bra and black gym shorts, a loose lime green tank top, black socks, and black shoes. Her hair remained in the same style as always. She studied Fluttershy and Mrs. Whoever. The bloating Fluttershy had suffered the previous day had passed quickly, leaving her looking sleek and sexy, while the crop top accentuated her bustline. Her mother's trim, toned physique and impressive bust belonged on a woman fifteen years her junior.

Aria looked down at her own unimpressive body, narrow hips, and small bust. "You suck," she complained.

"Only on my husband's birthday," Mrs. Whoever said cheerfully.

Fluttershy turned a vivid shade of tomato red. "MOM!"

"Seriously!" Aria ranted. "You two with your...your bodies..." She sulked. "Not that I care or anything, I mean I'm not even really human, but it's just not fair..."

They'd been waiting for almost thirty minutes when Coco knocked on the door. "Five minutes!" she called.

Mrs. Whoever took a deep breath. "I guess...we're really doing this."

* * * * *

Generic techno pop with heavy, ground-shaking bass pumped through speakers set around a harshly lit studio as the audience cheered wildly. The sound stage was filled with a massive, sprawling obstacle course consisting of rock climbing walls, cargo nets, rotating beams, ziplines, hanging rings, overhead platforms, large rolls of chicken wire, climbing ropes, and other bizarre obstacles, all painted in a haphazard melange of clashing colors that looked like a kindergartener's crayon box had melted all over it.

A pale-skinned emcee in a black suit and sunglasses with blond hair in a huge pompadour held a microphone in one hand. "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to LASER! PAINT! NIIIIIIIIIIINJA!"

Fluttershy was silently grateful for the somewhat bulky and unflattering equipment every contestant had been outfitted with, as Aria's earlier tirade in the dressing room made her uncomfortably aware of how revealing her attire was and just how prominently it displayed her curves. Every contestant had been given gloves, elbow and knee pads, safety helmets with visors, and a peculiar translucent sleeveless vinyl vest. Every piece of equipment had a glossy red-black strip and a series of tiny embedded lights.

They also each had a sturdy, net-weave belt with a pair of blunt plastic knives with squeeze triggers on the grips and the same glossy black strips on the edges, as well as a holstered toy pistol. Aria already had one of her knives out and was playing with it.

In addition to all of this gear, each contestant had also been given a brightly colored armband that matched their teammates, identifying them by team color. Fluttershy, her mother, and Aria wore bright sky blue bands.

As the announcer spoke, spotlights swam around the studio, lighting up each team standing on the sidelines. "These eight teams are competing for cash and prizes in the most EXTREME test of skill, speed, strength, and sheer daring!" The crowd roared in approval. "Let's introduce today's contestants!"

The spotlights all coalesced on Fluttershy, her mother, and Aria.

"Give it up for Cherry Rose, Fluttershy, and Aria Blaze! They are...TEAM BLAZE!"

Fluttershy hid nervously behind her mother, who simply waved at the crowd, all smiles.

"Next we have three rock-hard sisters who are ready to roll! Say hello to Pinkie! Maud! And Liiiiiiimestone! They are...TEAM! PIE!"

Pinkie jumped up and down, waving and smiling and giggling as the spotlights moved on to her and her sisters. Maud simply stood still, blinking. Limestone scowled. The three of them wore purple armbands and matching blue-grey track suits.

Fluttershy watched with interest as the rest of the teams were introduced: "Team Sunset" consisted of Sunset Shimmer, Rainbow Dash, and Sonata Dusk. Sunset and Sonata had opted to wear ordinary gym shorts, shirts, and sneakers, while Rainbow was wearing her soccer uniform. They wore scarlet armbands. "Team Shadowbolt" was made up of three girls Fluttershy had never seen before, though judging by their team name and the matching purple gym uniforms they wore, they probably went to Crystal Prep. The announcer had given their names as Sugarcoat, Indigo Zap, and Lemon Zest, and they wore yellow armbands. "Team Apple" consisted of Applejack, Big Macintosh, and Apple Bloom, all wearing old, faded jeans and white T-shirts with open western shirts over them, with well-worn shoes; each of them wore a lime green armband. "Team Flash Drive" was Flash Sentry and his bandmates, wearing cargo shorts, T-shirts, and sneakers, with royal blue armbands. "Team Sweet Music" consisted of Lyra Heartstrings, Octavia Melody, and Vinyl Scratch, wearing royal purple crop tops and black cargo shorts, black socks and sneakers, and pink armbands. The last team, "Team Diamond Dogs", was three burly boys with unhealthy grey skin and jaundiced eyes, wearing clothing that was far too heavy and bulky to allow for easy movement. They had been given orange armbands.

"And now, I'll explain our first event of the evening, the Search And Destroy! Eight teams go in; at the end, four will be eliminated from the competition!"

The lights focused harshly on the obstacle course.

"In this deadly NINJA MAZE, our eight teams will compete against not only one another, but against the terrain itself! Hidden throughout this NINJA MAZE are score sensors. When a competitor tags a score sensor, they earn points for their team. Successful hits on other teams will also score points. Eliminations will score huge points! Being eliminated and taking hits loses points, of course, and if you take out one of your own teammates, you lose lots of points.

"Each competitor has a laser paint gun and two laser paint knives. You might be asking yourself, what exactly is laser paint? Well, let me show you!"

Coco rushed out onto the stage, wearing the same safety gear the competitors were wearing, as well as a nervous, miserable expression. The emcee pulled a laser paint gun from behind his back, aimed it right at her chest, and fired. Coco let out a shrill squeak of fright and cringed reflexively. The light strip on her vest blinked, and half the vest lit up with a bright red splotch.

An electronic voice boomed from the stage's speaker system:

COCO POMMEL, DIRECT SHOT TO THE HEART! COCO POMMEL, KILLED IN ACTION!

Cherry Rose frowned. "So it's a combination of laser tag and paintball?" she muttered.

Aria snorted. "Who came up with that?"

"Poor Coco...give her a hand, everybody!" The crowd cheered and laughed. Coco blushed furiously and hurried off to the booth. The emcee turned to address the crowd. "Our first round will continue until either fifteen minutes have elapsed or only one team remains standing, whichever comes first! After the Search and Destroy round, the scores will be counted, and the top four teams will move on to the Semifinal Showdown! Teams, TO YOUR START STATIONS!"

A production assistant rushed up and guided Team Blaze to their starting mark. The other teams were moved into positions out of sight along the edges of the obstacle course.

ARE YOU READY?

THREE! TWO! ONE!

An airhorn went off.

LASER PAINT NINJAS, SEARCH AND DESTROY!

"Fluttershy, you go left to the hurdle maze," Cherry Rose said. "Aria, you go right through the chicken wire tunnel. I'll go up." She grabbed onto the cargo net ladder in front of her and started her ascent. "Go, team, go!"

Aria stared as Cherry Rose effortlessly hauled herself up the ladder. "Whoa. Your mom can move."

"She, umm...she has military training," Fluttershy said. She glanced at the hurdle maze on her left. "Oh..." She grimaced. "I...I guess we'd better get moving too."

Aria grunted and sprinted off to the right, crouching low and disappearing into a five-foot wide roll of chicken wire that ran half the length of the obstacle course. Fluttershy swallowed nervously and trotted over to a brightly painted purple hurdle, then grabbed onto the neon yellow pull ropes attached to it and hauled herself up and over. When she touched down on the other side, she found herself staring at a confusing mess of six-foot-tall fiberglass hurdles, positioned at angles to each other ranging from thirty to ninety degrees, all with pull ropes fastened securely at the top. Some of the hurdles had big, round yellow discs, reminiscent of highway reflectors, attached to the sides, with blinking lights at the top. Curiously, she walked up to one, then took the laser gun from her belt, pointed at it, and pulled the trigger.

TEAM BLAZE, FIRST SCORE! BONUS POINTS AWARDED!

"And it looks like Team Blaze found the first score sensor, folks!" the announcer's voice called over the crowd noise. "Tagging the first sensor earns double points!"

Fluttershy blinked. "Huh." She looked around.

Without even moving, she could see five more score sensors. With a small smile, she pointed and shot at each.

TEAM BLAZE, TOTAL SWEEP IN MAZE SECTOR B!

A head popped up over one of the hurdles. Someone—Fluttershy couldn't tell who because of the lights reflecting off their visor—pointed their gun at her and fired. "Eep!" She cringed protectively. Her vest beeped, and a spray of red lights lit up along her side, just under her left breast. She looked down at it, frowned, and skipped two steps to the right, pressing herself against a hurdle.

A bulky mass tried to clamber over the hurdle the shot had come from, getting stuck halfway. It was one of the Diamond Dogs. Fluttershy chewed the inside of her cheek thoughtfully, looking down at the glowing red streak on her side, then back up at the struggling boy atop the hurdle. "Okay," she said, taking a deep breath. "It's just a game, and Mom really wants that new couch...and I guess I do too, the one we have is too saggy, so..." She aimed at the helmet of the Diamond Dog, who had almost succeeded in half-falling off the hurdle, and fired.

His entire helmet lit up red.

ROVER, HEADSHOT! SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR BRAINS! ROVER, KILLED IN ACTION!

Rover paused stupidly, then fell to the ground with a loud grunt. He glared at Fluttershy and tried to shoot her.

Nothing happened.

"And we have our first kill!" the announcer called. "Incredibly, it's by the same member of Team Blaze who cleared out an entire sector of the hurdle maze in the first thirty seconds! By the way, I forgot to mention this, but once you're registered as KIA, your laser paint weapons are deactivated! All you can do is leave the NINJA MAZE and wait for the results!"

Rover grumbled, but slouched sullenly away. Fluttershy waved sheepishly at him and called, "Sorry!" She then crept deeper into the maze, her heart racing.

*I'm doing...okay?*

She allowed herself a tiny smile.

*This could actually be fun! I guess...*

* * * * *

Aria grumbled as her right glove lit up, a tiny spray of red nicking the back of her thumb. She risked a glance to her right and saw Sonata hanging from a cargo net, a cheerful, almost manic grin on her face as she waved her pistol around and fired at random. "Ugh! It's just like when we play Crapsack City," she grumbled. Squirming around in the narrow confines of the chicken wire and taking aim through the overlapping mesh, she fired several shots at Sonata. Her vest lit up with a number of small red splotches, and one larger one near her right kidney. Sonata looked down at herself, flailed around comically, and threw herself off the cargo net, laughing like a little kid as she landed hard on the gym mats below.

Aria facepalmed, shook her head, and continued her crawl.

* * * * *

Cherry Rose watched the blue Siren fall to the ground with a wince, then continued her climb. Her shoulders ached; she grimaced as she slowed her ascent. *I go jogging all the time but I've been neglecting my upper body...that or I'm just getting too old for this kind of thing...*

Her elbow pad lit up red. She frowned and glanced around; a Crystal Prep girl with dusky pink skin and long neon green hair waved cheekily at her from one of the other cargo nets, her laser pistol gleaming in the studio lights. She returned fire, catching the girl in the knee. The girl yelped and shimmied up the net, disappearing into the network of rotating beams high above. Shaking her head, Cherry continued her ascent, her upper body burning from the workout as she climbed up and over onto the upper platform...

An arm wrapped around her waist, and a plastic knife pressed against her throat. "It's nothing personal," a voice said softly into her ear. "But we're playing to win."

Author's Note

Well! It's certainly been a while since I touched this one, hasn't it? :pinkiecrazy:

Back when I first started working on this story (hell, back when I first started working on this chapter), Fluttershy's family had not yet been shown in canon. I went back to chapter two and adjusted her parents' appearances to match their pony counterparts, but I don't really have any particular inclination to add Zephyr Breeze to this story at this time.