Uniting a Nation

Friends! Ponies! Fellow Equestrians! Don’t despair!
Even as the end rushes towards us on cold dark wings,
And it seems like the world is beyond repair.

Eat or be eaten, the Princesses say,
Eat and be eaten, to be fair.
If you’re wondering what to do with your final day,
That is the most important thing.

But who has time to negotiate?
To argue over who eats who?
I’ve got so many things left on my plate…
So many final things to do…

But we gave it all up… for you!

Unveiling, for one week only, Flim and Flam’s Marvelous Matchmaking Machine!
Just draw your cutie mark on one of the special enchanted cards,
Insert it into the machine like so, and wait while… the magic happens!

boop boop boop bing!

Ha ha, it says this fellow should be eaten by you, Flim.
Well of course it does, it hardly has any data. If you look at the confidence, it’s only 29%. I don’t think I’d want to be eaten on 29% confidence. We need more data! You, you in the crowd. And you, there, with the cutie mark of an apple. Come up onto the stage.
Yes, that’s right, fill out the cards and feed them into the machine.

boop boop beep boop boop beep boop bing!

37%... 42%... it’s getting closer, Flim, but I think we need everypony’s help if we’re going to get good numbers.
You’re right, Flam. Come on, everypony! Line up and fill out your cards. If we work together we can make sure that everypony’s eaten by the perfect pony, selected just for them!

“Ugh,” Diamond Tiara said, from the back of the crowd. “Do they seriously expect us to believe that they built a working computing machine since yesterday? Who do they think they are, Princess Twilight?”

“Well, they are trying to fool a bunch of Apples,” Silver Spoon said. “Talk about low-hanging fruit.”

Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon shared a snicker, and “Bump, bump, sugar-lump rump!”

“The crowd seems to be going for it,” Filthy Rich said. “We should go have a chat with them. They might be able to help improve our marketing strategy.”

“Okay, everypony!” Flim said, as he passed out the last of the cards. “You may have noticed that everypony had a pony assigned to eat them. Obviously, we can’t do this all at once.”

“None of us are that flexible,” Flam said, getting a chuckle from the crowd.

“Fortunately, we thought of this. If you’ll look at the side of the machine…” Flim held up a hoof, and slid aside a curtain with his magic, revealing a set of two dozen spinning tumblers, like a monstrous slot machine. One by one, they clicked into place, each displaying a cutie mark. “Anypony whose mark appears on the side of the machine, find the assigned pony from your card and let them eat you. Once that’s done, we’ll move on to the next batch.”

“And thank you, thank you for your enthusiasm and cooperation,” Flam added. “We knew we could count on the Apple Family to help ensure an orderly transition to the new world, and you haven’t let us down. Come on, everypony, three cheers for the Apple Family!”

As the crowd cheered, then broke up into small groups to chat amongst themselves, or in two dozen cases to start eating each other, Filthy Rich and the two foals accompanying him approached the stage.

“I have to say, you’re running a smooth operation,” Filthy Rich said.

Diamond Tiara sneered. “Oh come on, daddy, it’s an obvious scam! There’s no way these two could have built a machine like this overnight.”

“Ah, there’s an interesting story behind that, young miss,” Flam said. “This didn’t start out as a machine to decide who eats who.”

“Our marvelous invention began with a less morbid intention,” Flim said. “We’d watched every Hearts and Hooves day as poor lonely ponies went on their way, a dark cloud –“

“Metaphorically, of course,” Flam interjected.

“Of course,” Flim said, with a smile. “Unless they were particularly over-dramatic pegasi. But then, a revalation hit us.”

“An inspiration!” Flam added.

“We saw two of these lonely ponies run into each other, and start talking, and there it was – the spark!”

“True love,” Flam said, with a sappy smile.

“And that’s when we knew how we could help them. We labored night and day to make a Matchmaking Machine to help every pony find their one, special somepony, who could complete them and be with them for the rest of their life.” Flim sighed, his own sappy smile fading into a frown. “And then, before we could give it a proper test, this happened. So we tweaked a few things. Adjusted the parameters.”

“Added the sorted tree algorithm.”

“But the core concept is the same, so we didn’t have to start from scratch,” Flim said. “That’s how we can have it here and ready to go so quickly.” He looked directly at Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, and frowned at the skeptical look they both still wore. “If you don’t believe me, try it yourself, free of charge!”

“Not that we’re charging,” Flim noted.

“Free of obligation, as well,” Flam said. “If you don’t agree with its results, feel free not to get eaten. There’s no risk.”

“Fine,” Diamond Tiara said, snatching up a pencil and quickly sketching her cutie mark on one of their ‘enchanted cards’. Silver Spoon followed suit, and the two of them fed the cards into the machine. There were the usual bloops and blips and blinking lights, and then two result cards emerged from the slot. Flim examined them, then handed one to each of the fillies.

Diamond Tiara stared at hers, and looked confused. “What does yours say, Silver Spoon?”

“It says I should let you eat me, DeeTee,” Silver Spoon said. “We already knew that, though.”

Diamond Tiara held out her own card, revealing that it had a picture of her own cutie mark. “And this?”

Flim and Flam looked at each other.

“Could it be?” Flam asked, nervously.

“It has to be,” Flim said. “Look at the confidence. 99%! I’ve never seen it that high!” He turned to Diamond Tiara. “Miss –“

“Tiara,” she filled in. “Diamond Tiara.”

Flim nodded in thanks. “Miss Tiara, or should I say Princess Tiara, what this means is that the Marvelous Matchmaking Machine has decided that you are going to be the one.”

“The last one,” Flam said.

“The survivor,” Flim added. “You are going to be the one to make the new world. It’s an honor to meet you, so soon!” He kneeled at her feet, and started kissing her hooves.

Diamond Tiara smirked. “Maybe there is something to this machine after all.” She looked at her father. “Buy it for me!”

Flim and Flam looked at each other. “It’s not actually for sale,” Flam said.

“You’ll notice that we’re not charging for our services,” Flim added, getting back to his hooves. “There isn’t much use in bits, anymore.”

“We’re heading to Manehattan,” Filthy Rich said. “I’m sure there’ll be some use for bits there. And I’d certainly have a use for your skills, and your machine.”

“What are you planning?” Flim asked.

“We’re going to save Manehattan from itself,” Diamond Tiara said. “The little villages like this would have eaten each other up on their own, but Manehattan needs to be managed. That’s where we come in!”

“Ah, how generous,” Flim said.

“Ambitious,” Flam said.

Flim nodded. “Astonishing, if you can pull it off.”

Flam smiled. “Try not to get stabbed.”

“But before you go, one for the road?” Flim asked, pulling a lever on the machine with his magic. “Free of charge, of course, since you’ll be needing your bits in Manehattan.”

“What do you mean?” Diamond Tiara asked, as the machine started bleeping and blooping again, and spat out a pair of cards.

Flim snatched them up, and called out, “Apple Jelly? Bear Claw? Can we see you over by the machine, please?”

A pair of young earth ponies wandered over together. “What’s the problem?” asked the large brown and yellow colt, with a cutie mark of a bear’s paw print. “Jelly was just about to eat me. I mean, I know it was ahead of schedule and all, but --”

Flim patted him on the head. “Then I’m glad we caught you in time! I’m happy to say that thanks to these visiting ponies putting themselves in the system, we’ve found better matches for both of you!” He handed them new cards.

“Aww, but I wanted to eat Clawie,” the bright green filly said. She looked at the picture of Silver Spoon’s cutie mark on her new card. “I don’t even know who this pony is.”

Silver Spoon waved at her. “Silver Spoon, at your service,” she said. “Or rather, vice versa?”

“And I am Diamond Tiara,” Tiara added, turning to the colt. “I assume you’re here to be my lunch?”

“They’ll be moving on to Manehattan shortly, so we’re letting the two of you get eaten ahead of schedule,” Flim said.

“Oh!” Apple Jelly said, excited. “I’ve always wanted to see Manehattan!”

“Well, too bad,” Diamond Tiara said. “Because you’re getting eaten now. Right, Silver Spoon?”

“But I thought that after we got eaten we got to ride along and see what the pony that ate us saw?” Apple Jelly said. “That’s what my mom told me.”

Before Diamond Tiara could scoff at the notion, Silver Spoon quickly said, “That was Twilight Sparkle’s theory about what would happen, when she gave the demonstration in class.”

“Oh wow, you had a princess give your demonstration?” Apple Jelly said, eyes gleaming. “Did you hear that, Clawie? They knew Princess Twilight! What about Applejack, did you know Applejack?”

Silver Spoon smiled. “I ate Applejack.”

“Woah,” Bear Claw said. “Wasn’t she a full-grown mare?”

“That’s nothing. I ate Big Macintosh,” Diamond Tiara said, smirking.

Apple Jelly and Bear Claw just stared.

“Didn’t that hurt?” the colt asked.

Diamond Tiara shrugged. “So, can we eat you already?”

Bear Claw and Apple Jelly looked at each other. Apple Jelly nodded eagerly, and Bear claw turned to Diamond and Silver and asked, “You two are friends, right? Best friends?”

“The best!” Silver Spoon said. “We’ve been together forever, and we’ll be together until the end. Right DeeTee?”

“Okay then,” he said. “Apple Jelly and me were always best friends, and we wanted to stay together. But if she’s riding with you and I’m riding with Diamond, then that’s basically the same thing.”

Apple Jelly held out one of her forehooves to Silver Spoon, and blushed. “Please eat me. I can’t wait to be part of you!”

Silver Spoon looked at her hoof, and at the dirt on her hoof, and sighed. “Well, if you insist. I do wish you Apple ponies actually tasted like apples.”

Apple Jelly giggled, as Silver Spoon took her hoof into her mouth, and started licking it as she tried to press it back into her throat with her tongue. Jelly lifted her other hoof, and helped Silver Spoon stuff it into her mouth next to the first. “I know! I might have tasted Bear Claw a little, before we got called over for you, and he didn’t taste at all like a bear claw.” She wrinkled her nose. “He kind of tasted like mud.” Her eyes went wide, and she yanked her hooves out of Silver Spoon’s mouth, jerking the filly forwards. “Oh! I should have washed up! I haven’t taken a shower since last night!”

Silver Spoon staggered, a bit disoriented from the sudden un-stretching, as the meal was interrupted. “It’s fine,” she said, rolling her eyes. “I’m getting used to the taste.”

“Are you sure?” Apple Jelly asked. “I could fill a bathtub with apple juice and wash in that. Then I would taste like apples, like you wanted!”

Silver Spoon took her hoof, and lifted it up, stroking it. She shook her head. “What I really want is to get back on the road. Besides, if you tasted like food it would be really weird. You’re not food, you’re a pony. You should taste like a pony.”

Apple Jelly smiled. “Okay. I guess I’m kind of impatient myself. I just don’t want to put you to any trouble.”

Silver Spoon glanced to the side, where Diamond Tiara already had Bear Claw swallowed up to the cutie marks, having started with his hind legs. “Then since we’re both impatient, let’s try to make it fast?”

“Okay,” Apple Jelly said, crouching down like she was about to race. “Ready?”

Silver Spoon nodded. “Set.”

“Go!” they said together, and Silver Spoon’s mouth stretched wide as Apple Jelly shoved her hooves inside, then wider as her head quickly followed, the strength of her hind legs pushing against the ground and driving her inside far more quickly than anypony Silver Spoon had eaten before. One of Silver’s hooves shifted back to brace herself, and she groaned as the little Apple filly slid into her throat without even having time to get properly wet down and lubricated.

Apple Jelly took a step forward, and Silver Spoon braced all four of her hooves on the ground to hold herself steady against the tiny farm pony’s surprising strength. In just a few seconds, her head and neck were stretched wide around the straining muscles of Jelly’s barrel, and she felt her belly start to expand. She gave a lunge of her own, and gulped down the last of the body into her aching throat, only the legs and wildly lashing tail sticking out between her teeth.

Silver Spoon sat back and raised her head to let gravity help, but gravity wasn’t enough to drag the fuzzy filly down a dry, chafed throat. She’d have to suck on the legs for a while, perhaps, and swallow enough saliva to grease the wheels…

But then she felt something inside her pull – it was Apple Jelly, curling up into a ball and dragging her legs and the rest of her body into Silver Spoon’s belly. “Time!” she said, her voice a bit muffled, as Silver Spoon collapsed, clutching her aching neck and moaning.

“Twenty six seconds,” Flam said. “I think that’s a new record!”

“Great job, Jelly!” Bear Claw said. Diamond Tiara was eating him at a more normal pace, and had just enveloped his hindquarters, working them over with her tongue to make sure they were properly slick before trying to fit them into her throat.

Apple Jelly giggled and gave a faint cheer from inside Silver Spoon’s belly. “So how long until I digest?”

“Hours, normally,” Silver Spoon said, her voice hoarse, her throat still burning. “You can speed it up by moving around. Just try not to kick my bladder?”

===

Apple Jelly wasn’t very big, and even Bear Claw was still far from an adult, so they were ready to hit the road again as soon as Diamond Tiara finished eating her colt.

“I think that walking’s helping,” Apple Jelly said. She’d managed not to kick Silver Spoon’s bladder, although she’d found several uncomfortable organs to stroke through the stomach wall before her forelegs had finally weakened enough under the rough treatment to pop out of joint. “Every time you take a step, your stomach walls rub over me and dissolve a little more of my back. Clawie? How about you?”

There was no answer, but when Diamond Tiara poked at her belly, the colt’s body was still firm and whole inside. “I think he’s taking a nap.”

Jelly sighed. “Typical. Colts!”

“I know!” Silver Spoon said. “But if he’s going to be part of Diamond Tiara, that’ll make him a filly, right?”

Jelly giggled, jiggling inside her stomach. “And maybe you’ll get eaten by a big strong stallion, and then he can be the mare.”

Silver Spoon pictured it for a second – a fit, wealthy stallion, in an impeccable suit, inviting her over for dinner. She’d be dressed like a princess, of course – until it came time for the meal, when he’d watch with a hungry smile as she slowly undressed herself for him, and then held out her hooves. He’d kiss her hooves, before folding them back against her body, and then his muzzle and hers would get closer… closer… until his lips spread wide, taking her head inside…

She opened her eyes and let out a breath, banishing the fantasy. No, it wouldn’t be right. She looked to the side at Diamond Tiara’s bored expression, and smiled. She knew who she wanted to be eaten by.