Four Ponies & A Time Machine

by SkelePone

Rating: teen
Tags: Derpy Hooves, Doctor Whooves, Roseluck, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Romance, Sex, Adventure
Length: 36930

When Time Turner and three friends (or not-friends) drunkenly shoot themselves back in time, they have to find their way back home through history, magic, and science. Obstacles like angry farmers, nightmare kings, and Classical-era pub fights.

FOUR PONIES & A TIME MACHINE
by SkelePone

WARNING: Excessive use of alcohol. Foul language. Some sexual activity and innuendos in later chapters. Not a clopfic, no explicit sex scenes. This is NOT a crossover. I have the firm belief that Time Turner is not the Doctor from Doctor Who. Sure, "the Doctor" can be his nickname, like in this story. But he's just an inventor and a time traveler. Doctor Who, Back To The Future, and The Time Machine references galore, but only references and nods.

BONUS MATERIAL BELOW!

THE CREW OF THE TROTIS
Dr. Time Turner. A genius and an inventor. He had successfully built a working time machine, dubbed the TROTIS, which is questionable in its operation.
Derpy Hooves. A klutz and a mailmare. She is hopelessly smitten with Time Turner, her best friend. She hopes to one day proclaim her love to him.
Roseluck. A flower pony and a fiery mare. She too is grasping for the affections of Time Turner. Or so she thinks, until something happens to change her mind.
Carnegie Porter. A drunkard and a brewer. We're not too sure what he's doing here. Pretty sure he doesn't know either. Did we mention he's drunk? Oh he's more than just drunk. He's absolutely wasted.
Together? They will transverse across time, space, and each other in an endearing quest into the unknown and back to their home. Ladies and gentlecolts, get ready for the carriage ride of your life.

[

u]DJ-Pon3's recommended listening list:
Electric Light Orchestra - Mr. Blue Sky (Carnegie Porter's Anthem and Main Theme)
Galantis - Runaway (U&I) (Alternate Theme)
The Beatles - Being For The Benefit of Mr. Kite (Drunk Carnegie Porter)
Virtual Riot - Mr. Mittens Groove (TROTIS Theme)
PON3 - Ponies (Manehattan Theme)
Galantis - Gold Dust (Porter and Roseluck Kiss)
Galantis - In My Head (Carnegie and Rose)
Virtual Riot - We're Not Alone (Doctor and Derpy Kiss)
Timmy Trumpet & Savage - Freaks (Porter & The Royal Guards Scene)
Klaypex - 1941 feat. Virian (At The Victory Ball)
Parov Stelar - The Mojo Radio Gang (Carnegie and Rose Dance)
Nero's Day At Disneyland - No Money Down Low Payments (Saying farewell to Starswirl)
Nero's Day At Disneyland - Child Protective Services Theme Song (The Illumarenati)
Omnticia - Yo! Ho! And A Bottle of Bass (Viking Warrior theme)
Galantis - You

Carnegie Porter is indeed an OC made for me and refined into a character BY me. Use of Carnegie Porter is permitted in other stories, but I must be credited as his owner in the description.
Also, if anyone feels like drawing any artwork, just send a sketch my way, via email (steampunk.the.earth.pony@gmail.com).

[img]http://s10.postimg.org/54worpl61/image.jpg[/img]
"Carnegie Porter" by myself

[img]http://s21.postimg.org/t91guodp3/image.jpg[/img]
Carnegie Porter - "20% Drunker" drawn by myself (again)

I am writing OCs and ponsonas into the story as background characters. Characters used will be mentioned by name, and will be described vaguely or in detail, depending on the situation. Please, feel free to send me a message or leave a comment asking about this! OCs and background characters make great fillers!

Published 2015-08-26 14:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-09-10 00:01:25 UTC

Prologue

TEN MONTHS AGO

Carnegie Porter was a rather peculiar pony.

He was basically average in looks, though he did lean towards handsome. The reason why he couldn't flat-out be called 'handsome' was probably because he barely kept himself well enough to be presentable.

He had been living rockily with Berry Punch, helping her brew wines and various other alcoholic beverages for her bar. He was a brewer, it was his special talent. That and drinking. He did manage to make a few bits crafting beers, porters, and more on the side. But he didn't get a lot of business. So whatever he didn't sell he drank himself.

He admitted he had something of troubles with alcohol. Well, big troubles. But at least he wasn't an aggressive drinker. He was more like the funny drunk at the frat parties.

The precious liquid fire kept the lantern of his soul lit.

Carnegie Porter smirked to himself. That was pretty damn poetic, he thought. He was tipsy, but not drunk enough to be dead to the world. Not that he hasn't been that way before. More times than he could count.

He trudged his way to the Punch Bowl Bar & Hangout. He was going to have to wait for Berry Punch to finish work so he could go sleep at her brewery. He didn't have a lot of options, seeing as he was a drunken bastard without any friends.

It was one of the catches to being called 'the life of the party'. Of course, he was never invited to Pinkie Pie's parties. She didn't seem to like him. Which was odd, since she liked everypony she met.

He admitted to himself that his questionable habits didn't give him a lot of options for friendship.

Of course, he was friends with Berry Punch. In fact, they were in a relationship of sorts. Or rather, as she preferred to call it, 'being friends with benefits'. They had been on and off for weeks. She was hinting at a break-up. Which sucked, since he lived in her basement. And she was pretty bitchy.
He was friends with Vinyl Scratch. The mute disk jockey liked how well the stallion could mix a martini. Then again, Carnegie wasn't too sure if DJ Pon-3 even knew his name. Not that he cared.

Okay, maybe he cared a little bit.

Two mares. Beyond that, he had no friends.

Ye-ouch.

Carnegie waltzed into Berry's bar. She smiled brightly at him as he sauntered up to the bar, and took a seat on a stool.

"Hey, hon. What can I getcha?"
"Ehh... scotch. And a vodka. I'm feelin' risky tonight."
"Coming right up!"

He made sure to admire Berry Punch's plum-colored flank as she turned about to grab his bottles of alcohol. She turned suddenly, catching him staring. She winked as she poured him two separate shots.

"Boy, you are feelin' risky tonight," she said, mocking his cockney accent. He scowled playfully, and when she turned again, he smacked her flank lightly as she bent low to grab a dropped glass. Sometimes, Berry could be a sexy lass. Carnegie took a moment to wonder if she was bipolar.

Carnegie looked to Berry Punch, mulling over his situation. He'd better ask her his questions while she was in a good mood.
"So... anypony come in today lookin' for a roommate?"
Berry shook her head sadly.
"Sorry, hon. Looks like you're in for another night in my brewery. I'll see if I can leave the ovens on, warm it up a bit."
"Thanks, hon."

Later, after the bar closed, Carnegie took the scenic route to Berry's home. He didn't want to rush to a cold basement floor. The streets of Ponyville had gone quiet. He was alone, walking the dimly lit paved roads. He shivered as a cool breeze billowed through the sleeping town.

The wind had picked up, and a yellow flier smacked into his face, instantly answering all of his problems.

ROOM-MATE WANTED
Dr. Time Turner, Eng.D.
looking for male roommate
Look for large house on Baking Street.
Can't miss it.
Must be able to pay half of monthly rent.

Carnegie Porter smirked, reading the flier again.

"Doctor, huh?"

Chapter I: The Klutz, The Doctor, The Florist, & The Drunk Bastard

“There are really four dimensions, three which we call the three planes of Space, and a fourth, Time.”
― H.G. Wells, The Time Machine

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Now Derpy, do be careful. You don't want a repeat of LAST time you played with the chemicals."
"Sorry, Doc."

The pegasus began step away from the beakers and flasks filled with liquids, when her tail brushed against a whole rack of them. A small boom and a puff of colorful smoke told Time Turner that he had been too late in his warning. He waved a hoof, helping to clear the cloud. A grey pegasus mare with a yellow mane and tail sat on her haunches in the center of the rainbow fog, her honey-colored walleyes squinting as she coughed. She smiled sheepishly up at the Doctor. Time Turner couldn't help but chuckle at the silly pegasus.

He straightened his green tie and white collar. Time Turner brushed a hoof through his spiky mane.

"I just don't know what went wrong!" She said, giggling.
"Yeah, it's a real mystery." A snide voice said. Having just entered the room, a pale yellow Earth pony mare with a red and pink mane looked at the pegasus, now covered in chemicals, with a look of displeasure. It morphed quickly into a bright smile when Time Turner came to greet her. He had not been expecting more guests that evening. From her dust-corner of Time Turner's lab, Derpy frowned and began to sweep up the chemicals, dumping them into red waste bins.

"Ah! Roseluck! How delightful! Please, sit down, make yourself at home!" He gestured towards the couch, covered in a large black blanket.

"Awww, thanks, Turner!" Roseluck cooed, giving the Doctor half-lidded eyes. She trotted over to the couch, still gazing seductively at Time Turner.

The black blanket let out a belch and movement could be seen from within it. Time Turner scowled, having a sudden change in disposition. He greatly disliked what he knew would come next.

"Then again, don't sit," Time Turner grumbled, directing his voice to the lump in the blankets, "I forgot my irresponsible roommate, Carnegie Porter was sleeping on the couch rather than in his own bed."

The snoring lump grunted. A stallion revealed himself, poking his head from the covers.

His coat was a lighter shade of brown than Time Turner's. His mane was again like Time Turner's but longer and more spiky. His mane was also a deep dark grey, almost black, like ash. This made him seem even more different than the Doctor, who's mane was a dark brown. Carnegie Porter had had the hair clipped from his fetlocks, revealing his hooves, tan and well-kept. His eyes were a deep dark hazel. And they would have been enchanting had they not been bloodshot. The Earth pony stallion was obviously having a hangover of sorts.

"Wuzgoinon?" He muttered, before stumbling out of the blanket. He face-planted, smacking into the stone floor. Derpy and Roseluck stifled giggles as he pulled himself unsteadily up to his hooves. They could clearly see his cutie mark. A clear, whitish, glass handled beer stein filled with a foaming amber liquid. It was now clearly obvious what his special talent was.

"Good morning, Porter. Or, should I say, good EVENING. It's five o'clock. In the afternoon."
"Blimey. Why'd ya let me sleep so late?"
"Next time you should warn me before you pass out on the sofa. Now look sharp. We have guests."
"Guests? Where?" His bloodshot eyes widened, just noticing the two mares.
"Cor blimey! This house is full-a fillies!"

Time Turner rolled his blue eyes as Carnegie Porter trotted (or rather, quickly stumbled) over to the fridge by the small kitchen in the corner of the large studio-style workshop.

"Let's see if we got these guests any drinks, huh?"
He looked over the door, smiling proudly at the mares, giving them a wink.
"All hoof-brewed by yours truly! 'Cept the wine. Berry Punch made that for me... She's got a knack for making wine, that Berry Punch does."
He pulled out a flask of shining gold liquid, a faded date labelled on the side.
Time Turner looked to Roseluck, explaining the drunk's background.
"He's a brewer. Makes all sorts of alcohol. Collects it, too. But he's a bit TOO much of an enthusiast, if you know what I mean. But his expertise in alcohol and brewery makes him invaluable to my studies in chemistry, so I let him stay as long as he keeps his half of the rent paid."

"I know! Honey mead! Perfect for making acquaintances and making friends!"

He poured four glasses, before the Doctor could protest. Porter then shoved a glass into each pony's hooves. Instantly, Carnegie Porter downed his glass in a single gulp. He smacked his lips, grinning at the others. The redness in his eyes had completely vanished, and he suddenly seemed much more vibrant. Like the alcohol had changed him into a different stallion. Almost as if it revitalized him.

"Drink up! I think I've aged this up just right!"
He smiled, bearing stunningly white teeth for an alcoholic.

Drink they did.

Roseluck and Derpy downed their glasses, attempting to imitate Porter's bold chugging. They both choked, spitting out much of their alcohol, causing Carnegie Porter to bust into a fit of sniggering.
Time Turner merely sipped his, not trusting any alcoholic brews made by his roommate. It did taste rather good though. It had the common bitterness of all alcoholic beverages, but that bitterness was cleverly masked by the sweet taste of honey. Soon enough, the other three were tipsy, while Porter was more stable than he was before. It seemed that the stallion had been revived from his previous state by alcohol, suddenly becoming the life of the small party.

"So then there was these other colts, yeah? And they says to me, 'oye, watchadoin lookin over me marefriend?' And I says... wait wait I haven' finished me joke yet!"
The girls had already started to giggle at Carnegie Porter's story.
"Anyways, and I says, 'gee sorry for lookin' at the fine lass, whatcha think I'm doin' rapin' 'er with me eyes?'"
The girls burst out into fits of laughter. Time Turner found Derpy's girlish giggling infectious, and he couldn't help but chortle.
"An' then!" Porter leapt up, standing on his hind hooves on the kitchen's bar, "He goes an' decks me right in the gob! I tell ya, I gave that lil' bastard quite the beatin'," -Porter started to punch at the air with his forehooves- "an' then I wen' home wit' his mare, too! True story, brewer's honor!"

They lounged around, enjoying Carnegie Porter's many concoctions, telling funny stories. Flirting, laughing, hollering.

Then they were drunk.

And the Doctor began to ramble.

"I have -hic!- an announcement," he yelled, pouring himself another shot of mead, his third one, "I have made a leap that no scientist before myself could have hoped to make." The others looked up merrily at him, raising their glasses.
Derpy and Roseluck cheered, from their positions lying on the floor. They too, were quite drunk.
"I have made -hic!- a machine, a machine that will carry us, four friends into the unknown, into greatness, into glory..."
Carnegie Porter shouted from his seat on the couch, empty beer bottles littered on the floor around him.
"Just tell us what ya made already, ya bloody idiot! I hate suspense."
"Alright... alright... -hic!- shhhhhh...." Time Turner put a hoof to his mouth. And the two drunken mares and a questionably drunk Porter hushed and leaned in to listen.
"I've built a -hic!- time machine."

The other three erupted into roars of laughter and fits of giggles. Time Turner protested, bumping his chest to try berid of his awful hiccups.

"No no no! I'm serious! I have built a -hic!- machine that I have dubbed the -hic!- TROTIS. Time Revolver Oh something something. -hic!- It's a closed carriage, with all sorts of -hic!- thingamawhatsits inside. But it works! I'm sure of it! 95% sure of it!"

Carnegie Porter stopped laughing, suddenly serious.

"What about the other 5%?" He slurred, raising a bushy eyebrow.
"The machine explodes and the those riding it -hic!- die fiery deaths."
"Yeowza." Carnegie whispered, eyes wide. Then he turned to the mares, both half-asleep, but still listening.

"LEZZGO RIDE IT!" He hollered, throwing up his hooves energetically. Several bottles, some empty some full, fell from the table before the sofa and smashed onto the floor. Derpy and Roseluck cheered once again and they all galloped towards the various machines, a hiccuping Doctor Time Turner following them closely, not quite sure where he was going.

They found it. It was a traditional carriage. Painted deep blue, with large wagon wheels, and gold and white trim. The wagon itself was box-shaped, with an egg sort of capsule resting inside of it. Porter immediately recognized the brand. It was a luxury carriage, one of only a few hundred in all of Equestria.

"Ah... Are ya tellin' me you built a time machine outta a DeLoinean?" Carnegie breathed.
"The way I see it, if you're gonna build a time machine into a carriage, why not do it with some -hic!- style?" Time Turner replied.

The four stepped into the capsule, gazing about in a drunken stupor at the buttons, levers, and knobs. Derpy and Roseluck immediately passed out on the chairs at the back of the capsule. There was plenty of room for the four of them in the clean, bronze and brown interior. Roseluck and Derpy trotted there, getting comfortable.
Time Turner was just about to stomp on the controls to activate the machine when Carnegie Porter let out a shout.

"Wait!"

The others all stopped, turning to him with rapt attention.

"Lemme go grab the snacks and some more drinks!"

He left and within minutes returned with a large pile of food, from crackers and cheese to apples and pies. He had also brought his entire collection of alcoholic beverages. Beer, wine, gin, bourbon, malt whiskey, mead, cider, ginger ale, vodka, brandy, rum, moonshine, and more. The bottles clinked and clattered as they hit the floor, Carnegie Porter standing above the stash with a crazed grin.

"Now we can go!"

Without hesitation, the drunk Time Turner slammed his hoof on the "START" button.

Chapter II: Time Is Bits

“It's against reason," said Filby.
"What reason?" said the Time Traveller.”
― H.G. Wells, The Time Machine

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Time Turner groaned in equal parts pain and exhaustion.

His head was pounding. He tried opening his eyes, but the dim lights of the small chamber seared across his retinas, almost blinding him due to his photo-sensitivity. He squinted, barely making out the three sleeping ponies beside him. Behind them, a large pile of various bottles, flasks, and more. There was food, too. Mostly cakes and crackers, snack foods. Party foods.

Time Turner rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.

Then he let out a gasp as he realized where they were.

"Great Scott! I must've been drunk last night! What happened...? All I remember is Porter saying..." The puzzled look of worry on his face was replaced by one of rage.

"PORTER!" Time Turner shouted at the sleeping tan-colored stallion. Porter twitched and slowly opened a bloodshot eye, looking up at the infuriated Time Turner, The lighter-colored stallion grumbled and then sat up. The drunkard's eyes weren't even fully open before he took a swig from a flask labelled 'Malt Whiskey - Casked 15 yrs.' Time Turner was washed over by the stench of alcohol.

"Mornin' sunshine. Great night, huh? So when's breakfast?" Carnegie Porter yawned with a grin, sending another wave of the reeking whiskey in the Doctor's direction.

"Do you see where we are?" Time Turner demanded.
Porter looked about the roomy chamber, then at the two sleeping mares. His eyes widened in shock as he saw them.
"Did we... did we get LAID?" He looked to Time Turner with a face full of glee.
Time Turner facehoofed.

"No! We're in my TIME MACHINE!"
"Oh blimey, yer righ'... the TWATIS or whatever you called it."
"It's TROTIS! And do you know what that MEANS?"
"Ummm..." Carnegie Porter looked down at his now empty flask, then looked up sheepishly, shaking it slightly in his hoof, "that I should get another drink?"
Time Turner snarled, and smacked the steel flask from Porter's hoof. Porter gasped in shock and scrambled over to retrieve it..
"Tha' was a perfectly good flask, Doc! Look, ya put a dent in it."
"That doesn't matter. Because now we're somewhere else... sometime else, I should say. All because of your damn mead."

Carnegie Porter stopped whining about his dented flask and looked to the Doctor with wide eyes.

"Wai-wai-waitaminute. What does that mean?"
"Based on what the readings on the dash say, we've been travelling. In time."
Carnegie looked from the angry Time Turner to the dashboard whirring away, to his empty dented flask. He shook his head, his scruffy mane wobbling.

"I'm not anywhere near drunk 'nough for this."

Roseluck and Derpy Hooves had woken soon after.
And following a similar treatment from Time Turner, they sat by Carnegie Porter, moping. Carnegie was downing his third shot of vodka, and was now taking the sudden plunge into the unknown unsurprisingly well.

"I say," Porter shouted at the very hungover Doctor, who still had a migraine, "that we all jus' go outside and fight somefin'. But that's jus' me."
"If you want to leave the door and potentially die in an exotic and unfit environment, be my guest, Porter. Meanwhile I will be wondering how to get us back to the present. No thanks to you."
"Hey, it wasn' MY fault. I just provided the alcohol."
"Your point?"
"Well, Applejack and that Shudderbones fella provided the grain for the alcohol. So blame them."
"Just go outside already. I'm tired of hearing your nonsense."

Porter looked at his companions, Derpy and Roseluck were curling back asleep and the Doc was busy making adjustments to the controls dashboard.

Nopony wanted to join him in some most likely awesome adventures? Fine. Carnegie Porter grabbed a bottle of rum, chugging it while he shoved oven the door and stepped outside.
And immediately fell flat on his face, shattering his bottle on the rocky ground. He muttered a string of profanities, rubbing his already tender nose.

"Aw bollocks, dropped me drink. Oye, Turner! Toss me a new bottle o' rum!"
Time Turner did not reply.
Carnegie Porter cursed the grouchy stallion under his breath.

Carnegie grunted to himself as he dragged back up onto his hooves, and stood unsteadily for a moment or two. Then he looked around. They were underground, in a cave, the mouth leading to a bright outside only meters away. Without any worry whatsoever, Porter trotted out the cave, wishing he still had his bottle of rum.

The screams were what jolted the mares back awake and brought Time Turner's attention to the missing stallion.

"Celestia damn that insubordinate fool!" Time Turner shouted. He galloped full speed out the door, leaping smoothly onto the ground, following Porter's screams. Derpy flapped after him. Roseluck sniffed in disdain, but trotted off the platform and onto the cave floor anyways.

Together, the three burst from the cave, into a bright sunny meadow. And there, on the other side of the meadow, was Carnegie Porter. Being chased by some angry farmer Earth ponies, wielding hoes and pitchforks.

"Oye! Chill out, ya testy bastards! I was just borrowin' some o' that buckwheat!"
"PORTER! WHAT DID YOU DO NOW!?"
"I was jus' borrowin' some buckwheat," Carnegie wheezed as he came to a stop, hiding behind the Doctor, "tha' was the perfect seed for brewing! Never seen anything like it before!"
"But did you have to STEAL it?"
"No, bu' the farmers are scary an' mean so HELP ME!"

Doctor Time Turner shook his head in frustration, then turned and smiled meekly at the approaching farmers. The first thing to meet Time Turner, however, was the smell. Dirt, sweat, and piss. Trying not to gag, he greeted them.

"Hello! I am Time Turner, and I apologize for the rude actions of my... associate, Carnegie Porter."
"Oh ye? Well why dontcha make 'im pay fer that there buckwheat 'e stole?"
"Fine," Time Turner sighed, shooting a look at the cowering Carnegie, "what do I owe you?"
"I'd say t'ree 'undred gol' bits."
"THREE HUNDRED?! Porter, how much did you steal?!"
"Only a hoofful of grains! I only wanted to make a few drops to test!"

Time Turner rounded on the smirking Earth ponies. Two large stallions and a rather buff mare. The three could easily beat the four of them without breaking a sweat. Even though they were already sweaty. For a moment his mind wandered, wondering if they knew what a bath was.

"Why in Tartarus are you charging me that much for a hoofful of grain that's worth not even a single bit."

"Times are 'ard." The biggest stallion said with a shrug.

Time Turner gave a reluctant sigh as he waved over Derpy.
"Go back to the machine. Grab the blue trunk in the back. Bring it here." She nodded eagerly and flew off into the cave.

They sat in hushed silence, glaring at each other as they waited for the ditzy pegasus.

"I like your overalls," Roseluck said sweetly to the Earth pony mare, "very rustic."
"Mah overalls aren't rusty. They're made outta cloth."
"That's not what I - forget it. I said nothing."

Derpy eventually returned, struggling to carry a large blue chest. She plopped it before the Doctor, panting heavily. He smiled in thanks and popped it open. Time Turner grabbed a sack with his teeth. He tossed it to the farmers' hooves. Then he tossed another. Then a third.

"There. Three hundred."

The farmers nodded in approval at the jingling bags. They quickly left, carrying off Time Turner's hard-earned bits.

"You owe me big-time." He hissed to Carnegie Porter as they returned to the cave. Porter smiled sheepishly.

Chapter III: Back To The Future?

“We are always getting away from the present moment.”
― H.G. Wells, The Time Machine

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Well that was one helluva ride, eh, Doc?"
"Shut up, Porter."
"Okee then. Sorry for tryna lighten up tha mood. Mister Grumps."

Time Turner was once again at the controls of the time machine, working away noisily. Carnegie Porter was sipping on a new flask of bourbon with equal volume. Derpy Hooves was over in a corner piddling with some empty bottles, trying to keep the others from seeing that she was really trying to desperately fix her walleyes. Roseluck was checking her mane in the mirror propped immediately beside the sealed door. Time Turner had sealed it after Carnegie's little excursion earlier that morning. He didn't trust the drunkard enough to leave it unlocked.

Now it was approaching the noon hour, and they were no closer to getting home than they had been before.

Carnegie Porter had apologized many times when he was in his dreary, depressing semi-sober state, but then would immediately transform into an overly optimistic stallion while in his re-intoxicated state.

Derpy Hooves had been a worried mess, concerned for her adopted daughter, Dinky, and for the Ponyville Post Office where she worked. She was the only one actually moping, her muzzle down and her walleyes wracked with worry.

Roseluck was impassive about the whole shebang. Or at least she seemed so, lounging on the seats in the back of the time machine drinking several martinis that Carnegie had mixed for her. The only thing that she and Porter seemed worried about was their rapidly depleting supply of vermouth for cocktails. But of course, there was still hundreds of bottles and dozens of varieties of alcohol to support them.

Carnegie Porter had offered to go out and look for supplies that were not stolen from a farm, but that simply elicited a dangerous reaction from the already steaming Time Turner. So instead he moped, or tried to. Porter found moping to be exceedingly difficult when one was drunk. And drunk he was. Singing pub songs and swaying to and fro, Carnegie Porter felt especially happy when he was supposed to be sulking. Of course nopony had joined in on his singing, but he didn't mind.

Anypony around him while he was drinking rarely joined in on any of his festivities, unless they too were drunk.

So on Porter sang, with not a care in the world.

"Here's the first!
Sing,
'hup fol-de-rol la la la la'!
Here's the first!
Sing,
'hup fol-de-rol la la'!
He who doesn't drink the first,
shall never,
ever quench his thirst!
Here's the first!" He paused to take a mighty swig of porter.
"Sing,
'hup fol-de-rol la la'!"

The entire machine lurched, and Carnegie Porter burped in surprise, splashing his drink all over his front.

"We have enough energy to make a short leap forward. All we have to do is... there. Currently we are in year 2500 Before Celestia. We can make a leap hopefully up to year 2000 B.C." Doctor Time Turner announced.
"And then what? We'll still be thousands of years in the past-" Rose began, before being interrupted by Carnegie.
"WHAT I wanna know is this. We're in a time machine, right?"
The Doctor nodded hesitantly.
"That you built yourself."
He nodded once again.
"And this is the first time it's ever flown... or driven... or did wibbly wobbly timey wimey... stuff?"
"Just get to the point." Time Turner snapped. He didn't have time for Porter's shenanigans.
"I'm askin' if we're the first ponies to ever time travel without magic."

Doctor Time Turner gulped, brushing a hoof through his dark mane, then straightened his tie. The idiot was right. They were the first non-magical time travelers. None of them were even unicorns.

Time Turner spun around, grasping a stunned Derpy in a hug, twirling about. He was laughing merrily for the first time since he had woken up.

"Derpy! Do you know what this means?!"
"That you're really happy?" Derpy bubbled, laughing with him.
"No! We're time travelling!"

"So Derpy. Tell me." Roseluck said slyly in a hushed voice, leading the pegasus away from the chatting stallions as they worked (or well, Time Turner worked, Carnegie Porter just drank more beer and watched with mild interest).
"Uh huh?" The grey mailmare asked, her crossed eyes full of innocence.
"Do you, ah, fancy Time Turner?"

The pegasus blushed brightly, hiding her smile with a hoof.
"Well... um... yes... he's really handsome... and really nice, too..."
"Well, I like him, too."
Derpy looked at Roseluck with wide eyes, once again filled with worry. Roseluck swore she could hear the little gears turning in the pegasus' brainless noggin.
"So you see, there's kind of a problem here. We can't both have him. I'm a beautiful mare and a florist. What are you? A single mom that works at a post office. Now, I'm sorry," Roseluck whispered to Derpy, not looking the least bit sorry, "but let's be honest here. Who is he really gonna want as his marefriend?"

Roseluck hushed up, still leering at Derpy as a cheery Carnegie Porter approached them.

"'Ternoon ladies. Whatcha talkin' abou'?"
"Oh nothing," Roseluck purred, "just mare stuff."
"Well, ya better buckle up an' grab a beer. We're about ta jump a few hundred years. And this time we aren' gonna be anywhere near as drunk as before."

They got up, each taking a seat at the rear of the chamber. Time Turner remained at the controls, pulling levers and assessing wailing alarms. Suddenly, a klaxon sounded and Porter hugged a large bottle of his namesake, the dark beer already beginning to slosh around.

"Make sure your asses are still on, ladies and gentlecolts." Time Turner announced, "This trip's gonna be a bumpy one."

He flipped a lever and slammed a large button with his hoof. He gripped onto the handrails around the controls with his forelegs, holding on for dear life as the machine started to lurch and shake. Last time, they had all been drunk, as Carnegie had said. Now they were all (minus Carnegie) sober.

To nopony's surprise, the brewer was having the time of his life.

"WHOOOOO!!! Faster faster faster!"

Derpy's eyes spun about their sockets, Roseluck's teeth chattered, Time Turner's entire body shook. And Carnegie Porter chugged beer and hollered for the machine to go faster.

Then, as quickly as it had started, the machine was still again. Derpy unbuckled quickly and flew straight into Time Turner, tackling him in a hug. He patted her back in comfort as he looked to the others.

"Everypony okay?"
"LET'S DO THAT AGAIN!" Carnegie shouted, grinning from ear to ear.
Roseluck nodded, unsure of whether to unbuckle or not. She looked a bit green.
"What year is it?" Rose asked. Time Turner glanced at the date on the dashboard.
"1970 B.C. We've shot a little bit over what I had been expecting. That's good. But now here's the bad part."
Derpy looked up at the Doctor with wide fearful eyes.

"What's the bad part, Doc...?
"We have to go find some fuel."

Chapter IV: Sober Porter

“People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly... time-y wimey... stuff.”
― Steven Moffat

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Time Turner tentatively peeked out the chamber door. They were in a clearing in a forest. Young saplings and shorts trees rustled in a crisp morning breeze. Birds chirped and sang as bugs buzzed and twittered.

Behind the Doctor stood Derpy Hooves, Roseluck, and Carnegie Porter. They too were peeking about, making sure that no monsters or angry buckwheat farmers wielding pitchforks would dash out and whip their flanks into leather. Carnegie let out a belch and it echoed across the clearing, scaring a large flock of pigeons. The others shot glares at him.

"What? Better out me gob than out me arse."

Time Turner leapt from the carriage, landing with a thud onto the thick grass. He motioned for the others to follow. Derpy simply fluttered down, and hovered beside the Doctor. Carnegie leapt down, and in a desperate attempt to look cool, he ended up tripping and landing hard on his plot. Roseluck carefully shimmied down the high carriage, and stood gracefully next to Carnegie Porter, who was rubbing his tender flank. He looked about the woods apprehensively.

"Well, this doesn' seem that bad, eh?" Porter said aloud.

And of course that was when things went to Tartarus.

Tall, elegant creatures with long creamy antlers burst from the undergrowth, surrounding them. Deer. Several bucks sauntered up to Carnegie and Time Turner, completely ignoring Derpy and Roseluck. Time Turner leaned back, away from the looming deer. Carnegie simply stood taller, ignoring the pain of his rump.

"Oye, me arse is hurtin' an' I haven' had a drop of liquor for a good ten minutes. If I were ya, I'd make this one quick, 'cause then it's just easier for the lot of us. Otherwise I'm gonna have ta teach ya lesson. About leaving Carnegie Porter the hell alone when he's in a bad mood."

The tallest deer, a golden buck flecked with white and brown, snorted.

"Pony. You are trespassing on deer land. You are not allowed here."
"This must be when ponies started to build upon Equestria, before it was just farms and trade posts. Now we're talking cities." Time Turner whispered in explanation.
"The cowardly one is right. You ponies have taken much of our land, and we do not plan on giving anymore to your greed."
"See? I was right. Wait... did he call me cowardly?"
"Now your options are this. Leave now or be taken prisoner."

Before Time Turner could agree to leave, Porter let out a shout. Time Turner resisted the urge to facehoof.

"Nah, I think we'll be stickin' around right here! This'll be pony land, soon. Hoorah and what not. 'Questria! Now lemme grab a few bottles of gin an' we can..." The other deer had leaned in, poking at Carnegie's throat with their antlers. The drunken light brown stallion gulped and took a step back.

"...Orrrr we can be your prisoners. That's a good plan, too."

"Ouch! Didja have ta be so rough? How come I 'ave to be one that's trussed up?"

Carnegie Porter had been hog-tied to a long tree branch with vines, and was being carried by the antlers of two silent bucks. More deer, stags and does, and even a few fawns had encircled them, cutting off any chance of escape. Except for Derpy, but she had flat-out refused to leave them to save herself. Now the three of them shuffled, hooves bound by ropes of vine. They had been walking for roughly an hour, and the whining Porter was starting to sober up.

"Lemme down already, ya dirty barbarians! My ankles're crampin' up an' I need summore Celestia-damned alcohol!"

Time Turner was analyzing the situation, mapping out possible escapes. Saving Porter was optional of course, simplifying his analysis. They were surrounded by roughly thirty deer. The leader was ahead of them, followed by the two giants carrying Carnegie Porter. Derpy, if she could, could fly over them, carrying at least one of them. She could carry off him, Roseluck, or the hog-tied Porter. He was about to tell her to save Porter when they reached the deer village.

It was less of a village and more of a circle of huts around a thick tree that stood maybe thirty stories tall. It had been hollowed out, and turned into a fortress. Instead of lanterns, clear glass globes of fireflies and glowing breezies lit the village as the sun began to sink below the horizon. The view was breath-taking, and the size of the fortress made Time Turner, Roseluck, and Derpy feel small and insignificant.

Carnegie Porter, meanwhile, felt otherwise.

"Oye! We're here, jus' lemme down already! I've got rights! Ya can't keep me tied like this! I demand ta see me lawyer!"

Of course, the deer ignored his cries as the ponies were lead into the giant hollow tree. It was easily two hundred meters wide. Inside, a swirling ramp led all the way up to the top, the ramp showered with little shops, stalls, and groups of deer discussing various things. It was amazing to the three ponies, slowly trotting along beside their elegant captors. They had stopped once along the way to gag the bellowing stallion, and soon his muffled protests went unheard.

They had finally reached the top. Several benches stood to one side of the oblong room, facing a large dark wooden door. The bucks holding them captive directed the ponies to the benches. They leaned Porter's stick on the wall, letting him hang from it. Carnegie Porter said nothing but his glare spoke volumes.

"The King will see you now," said a pretty honey doe, peeping in from the cracked door. It swung open, revealing a bright ornate room. In the center of the room sat a living throne made from woven vines and flowers. Upon the throne sat a powerful, enormous stag.

"King Gracefoot. Chief of the Equestrian deer from 2005 B.C. to 1945 B.C. He was the leader of the deer when Earth ponies and unicorns began to immigrate here, forcing them off their lands." Time Turner mumbled in a hushed voice. The mares looked to the handsome imperial stag with wide eyes. Carnegie Porter grunted and glared at King Gracefoot.

"Unbind the brewer." The King commanded.
"Wait, how did you know he was a brewer?" Time Turner asked, genuinely curious.
"He reeks of alcohol, the poison that you ponies have introduce to my deer."

Carnegie fell to the floor painfully as they cut his bindings. As soon as he was un-gagged, he started to nag.

"Do ya have ANY idea how painful that bloody trip has been? Me ankles are sore an'..." He trailed off as he realized the King boring fire into his soul. He shut up, knowing it's probably not best to piss off the bloke who is keeping you alive.

"Now. You ponies have already sent us many bottles of liquor. We have had them dumped in the river. We have no desire to ingest your toxic water."
"Ponies entering Equestria used alcohol to get deer addicted, and then they would sell them beer for land." Time Turner explained in a whisper.
"Now. Why have you sent more representatives? Especially that disgusting, foolish drunk."

"Hey! I resent that remark." Porter shouted, followed by a loud "Ow!" as a guard clonked him over the head.

"Well, you see, we're not representatives, per se..." Time Turner began, shrinking back as the King drew his gaze over them.
"We are simply travelers, and we have run out of fuel..."
"Fuel? For a fire? You are in a forest, pony. There are fallen trees everywhere for you to burn."
"No no no. The fuel we need is... what did they call it in this time... black water?"
The King scratched his chin with a cloven hoof.

"We may have a few barrels. But we are not willing to give away our black water. We will sell it to you."
"Sell it...?"
"Yes, we will sell it to you for-," He raised a hoof, pointing it directly at Carnegie, still rubbing his head, "-him."
All four ponies gasped.
"WHAT?"
Time Turner kept his cool.
"I'm sorry, but Carnegie Porter, annoying though he may be, is still my friend and responsibility, and I cannot sell him to you as a slave."

The King cackled, much to their confusion.
"My little ponies, you misunderstand. I only wish to hire him for but a single evening."
Now it was Carnegie's turn to speak.
"What... for, gov?"
"We wish to get you sober. So you may be shown to my bucks, who have unfortunately succumbed to alcoholism. Your mark is that of alcohol is it not?"
"Well, yeah. It's the first draft beer I ever served somepony."
"If I can show them that a pony who brews alcohol can unbind himself from it's grasp, then maybe they will come to their senses and return to the ways they once were."
All the ponies, even Carnegie, looked at each other in worry. Porter had never been sober a day in his life since his first sip of alcohol. A sober Porter? It was unthinkable.

But Carnegie Porter surprised them all by saying.

"Fine. I'll do it. I'll get sober an' talk to the lil' wankers."

Chapter V: Motivational Speaking

“If I could go back in time, I'd love to whisper sweet nothings in Van Gogh's ear, but not while it was attached to his head.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

There was something like a stage set up at the bottom of the tree fortress. Sitting and slouching before the stage were several young bucks, who smelled like true alcoholics and looked like they were half-asleep. No wonder Gracefoot wanted Carnegie to talk to them, Time Turner thought, these bucks are wasted.

A bright and bubbly stallion trotted up onto the stage, and both Roseluck and Derpy gasped while Time Turner just rolled his eyes. It was Carnegie Porter. His coat had been thoroughly scrubbed, and the ochre brown shone like gold. His teeth beamed from between his lips, exposing a pearly white smile. His crazed mane had been combed and slicked back. His hooves had been filed and cleaned as well. When he beamed at the three ponies, Roseluck and Derpy felt their hearts flutter. The sober Porter actually looked quite... handsome.

Then he spoke, and instead of his usual drawling tone, his cockney accent was lilting and merry.

"Now, yer all fellow lovers of the cask, eh? Jolly buckin' good! But ya think ya can't leggo of the liquor glass? Well lookit me! Ima regular drunken bastard! But here I am, tellin' ya what ta do. Ya think ya can't sober up?" Time Turner was liking his little speech, and then the stallion started shouting. Time Turner face-hoofed. Carnegie Porter screamed from the stage, waving his forelegs around while he shouted at the suddenly livid and surprised young bucks:
"DO IT! Jus' DO IT! Don’t let yer dreams be dreams. Yesterday ya said tomorrow. So jus' DO IT! Make your dreams come true. Just do it. Some ponies dream of success, while yer going to wake up an' work hard at it. Nothin' is impossible… ya should get to the point where anyone else would quit and yer not gonna stop there. NO! What are ya waiting for?! DO IT! JUS' DO IT! YES, YOU CAN! JUS' DO IT! If yer tired of startin' over, stop givin' up!" He let out a faint cough and then bowed low.

"Thank ya fer listenin'. Have a jolly good day, wankers." Then, with a kick and a wink at the mares, Porter stepped off the stage, grabbing a spare bottle of liquor on his way down. He had stayed sober for a record of forty minutes.

"Porter, I never knew you had a handsome side." Roseluck purred, suddenly warming up to the once-again wasted stallion as he tripped over a small root. She giggled as he leapt up, brushing himself off with his hooves.

"Well, course I do, love. Me mum and dad were inta modelin' an' actin'. Course they had lil' issues, like all actors. Issues like alcohol, mint-als, and worst of all, kids. My sis's name is Mint Sprig. An' not cuz' of the plants, cuz of tha drug. Horrible shame. I was named Porter cause me dad's favorite drink was Carnegie Porter." He said sourly, glaring into the distance. His bushy eyebrows threatened to cloak his green eyes with darkness. Then he suddenly broke into a smile.

"But who cares about them, whatcha guys think o' the las' half o' tha' speech? Read it somewhere back home. By this guy Shore LeBuff or summin' like that. Forget his bloody name."

"I thought it was lovely," Roseluck chirped.
"I thought it was funny," Derpy giggled.
"Well whatever it was, at least it got us the oil we needed. Hope this is enough to boost us back up a thousand years or so." Time Turner concluded, nodding at the four iron barrels which were being rolled by bucks.

The deer were now much more friendly towards Carnegie Porter after he had given that questionable yet motivational speech. The mares were more friendly as well (although Roseluck was notably more so, especially after he retold the humorous story of his recent break-up in the far future with Berry Punch).

Derpy meanwhile, strode beside the Doctor, quietly and timidly. Whenever he looked her way and smiled, she'd blush and turn her head. Time Turner wondered what in Equestria had gotten into her. She had never been this shy around him before.

Carnegie was telling the very interested bucks about brewing methods for brewing cider. Time Turner suddenly remembered a history lesson long ago, about how a mystery stallion had come along, teaching the deer to be tolerant and how to make their own alcohol so they wouldn't have to trade for it. Porter was making history. Without a dependence on ponies, the deer would go on to build their own cities, and live side by side with them, without war. They would even ally in the Equestria-Griffonstone Wars. Time Turner smiled as Carnegie fell flat on his face after trying to describe the fermentation process.

Even though Carnegie had gotten them into this mess, and even though he was a tad bit obnoxious sometimes (okay, all the time), he was still a stallion full of surprises. And he was a great friend, too. Time Turner's thoughts broke off as they approached the TROTIS, the blue DeLoinean carriage right where they had left it. Fueled up and ready to go, Carnegie waved goodbye to his deer friends.

"An' don't forget to ADD SUGAR!"

He sat down heavily, buckling up between Roseluck and Derpy. He chugged a bottle of wine and smashed the glass onto the wall. He let out a battle cry then shouted at Time Turner.

"Alrigh' Doc! Punch the lights outta this timey wimey bastard."

Time Turner smiled, and happily obliged.

With a crash, the carriage lurched and spluttered. Time Turner eagerly read the date on the dashboard.

"100 B.C.! We've made it almost to Celestia's birth!"
"But now we need more fuel," Derpy pointed out, "right?"
"Crickey. Why'd I come on this trip again, Doc?"
"One, yes, Derpy. We need more fuel. And two, Porter, you got us into this mess in the first place."
Carnegie Porter took a swig of bourbon and belched in reply. Time Turner rolled his eyes. Better to keep him happy and drunk rather than hungover and grouchy.

"So... Doctor," Roseluck said, strangely not even striking a pose while speaking to Time Turner, "where are we now? Because first we were at an Earth pony settlement. Then we were at a deer's fortress. Now where are we?"

Time Turner studied the dash.

"We are in... Manehattan! This is when the economy around Manehattan and all throughout Equestria boomed, and more ponies moved here. The three pony tribes had united loosely, and they were abandoning their original homelands. But of course, those ponies didn't build the Manehattan skyscrapers quite yet. It was about 1500 After Birth when the first tower was erected."
Carnegie snorted. He bumped a knee at Roseluck.
"Ya erect my tower, if ya catch my drift." He sniggered at his joke as she blushed and looked away for some reason.
"Yes, yes, very mature, Porter. But it should be easy finding oil here, because ponies started using it to light lanterns en masse, you see?"
The three nodded. They eagerly crowded around the sealed door as it unlock and began to slowly unseal with a loud hiss.

"Now," the Doctor continued, pushing open the door with a single hoof, revealing a bustling town outside.

"Who wants to go first?"

Chapter VI: Roseluck Takes Manehattan

“Know that love is truly timeless.”
― Mary M. Ricksen

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Derpy Hooves has always loved Time Turner. She's been lonely after all these years, even with all her friends in Ponyville. She's adopted and raised little Dinky Hooves since she was but a newborn. But she had still been lonely. Then she had seen him.

A handsome brown stallion wearing a green tie. He had been galloping out of a grocery store, carrying a bag of food on his back. She had been walking home with Dinky, and all of time seemed to have stopped when she saw him. She knew instantly he was the one. And she would do anything to make him hers. Dinky, bless her heart, had seen her mother's reaction.

"Oh! Mommy, that's Doctor Time Turner! He came to my school today! He's an inventor from Canterlot!" Then Dinky ran up to the stallion, hurriedly introducing him to her.

"Hi Mister Doctor Time Turner! It's me, Dinky! Remember me?"
The stallion had chuckled, and Derpy felt her heart almost leap out of her mouth.
"How could I forget the adorable little filly who asked all the funniest questions? And who is this, your mother?"
He reached out a hoof to shake.
She touched his, shaking it lightly with a squeak.
"Mister Doctor Time Turner, this is Mommy. Mommy, this is Mister Doctor Time Turner."
Time Turner had chuckled again. "Well, Missus, I hope you don't mind me asking your full name?"

"Derpy. Derpy Hooves." She squeaked.
"Well, Missus Hooves. Your husband's a lucky stallion. Such a beautiful mare and a loving mother, too!"
"Oh, Mommy's not married."
"Oh?" The Doctor asked, raising an eyebrow.
"She's adopted," Derpy said, trying not to sound so tense.
"Ahhh haha, very well then. I suppose I'll see you around then, Miss Hooves."
"Please, call me Derpy."

With that, they had parted ways, and Dinky questioned her mother about her encounter with Time Turner.

"Didn't you like Doctor Time Turner, Mommy?"
"Oh Dinky... I love him."

Roseluck looked about the city with eyes full of wonder. She had been to Manehattan before, but this Manehattan was so much more (and yet less).

She looked back at the two stallions and the pegasus mare floating between them. She wasn't sure what she felt about them. Rose had been trying to get the Doctor's affections since she learned of his Canterlotian heritage. Derpy had seemed like just another obstacle for getting into the Canterlotian high society. Carnegie Porter had just seemed like a drunk. But after Porter's motivational speech to those deer, she suddenly felt different.

That was a stallion who could be a true gentlestallion and a dashingly good-looking one at that. He was handsome when he did himself up like he had. Even now, she thought, he was kind of cute in the tipsy jokey kind of way.

And Derpy? Roseluck began to see her less of a rival and more like a friend. After all, if Carnegie proved to be more coltfriend material than Time Turner, Derpy could have the Doctor. Roseluck felt a pang of guilt as she remembered her cruel words to the pegasus.

She quickly shook away her guilt as she glanced over at Carnegie, who was flirting with a few haughty looking unicorn mares. Now she felt a pang of jealousy. Why? She didn't know. But she switched directions and made a beeline for Porter and the trio of unicorns.

"Oye, did I ever tell ya ya got the prettiest eyes I ever seen on a mare?" Carnegie slurred. Rose didn't know what she was doing. She didn't care about what she was doing. She slapped Carnegie Porter across his smug drunken face. He blinked at her in surprise, raising a hoof to touch his reddening cheek. Roseluck realized what she had done, and she reacted quickly.

"Get a hold of yourself, Porter. We're in public. Come on." She used a hoof to steer him away from the unicorns, who stared at them with amused smiles. Let them laugh, Roseluck thought, he's MINE.

Roseluck looked about the trading square where the TROTIS was parked. Derpy and Time Turner were nowhere to be seen. She began to lead Carnegie towards the time machine when she heard snoring. The oaf had gone and fallen asleep, standing up. Roseluck led him towards the open machine and shoved him into the carriage. Panting, she lay down beside him. She let out an 'eep!' as she felt the sleeping drunk nuzzle her neck. He was humming in his sleep as well, probably just some pub song.

Rose lay beside him, enjoying his humming. She too began to fall asleep.

Derpy had never been happier. She was alone, walking the streets of a Pre-Classical Manehattan, taking in the sights of both the young city and of the stallion beside her. She was boldly walking a little bit closer to him than usual, signalling to everypony else that he was hers, and to back off. She had managed to correct her walleyes somewhat, and she desperately hoped that he would look and see how beautiful she was with normal eyes.

Her stomach grumbled rather loudly, and he suggested they find some food before continuing their search for oil. She had agreed, grateful.

They found a pub, a small little shack with a bar and a few tables. They sat at one, and both ordered tea and hay fries.

"We should've brought Carnegie," Time Turner remarked, looking over at the bar's scratched menu, "there's alcohol I've never even heard of here."

The waitress, a fat pegasus with teeny wings, returned with their tea. It looked like black clumps of turd in water. Derpy merely looked at hers. Time Turner sipped his casually. Then he said it, what she had been waiting for!

"I say, Derpy, what happened to your eyes?"
She tried her best not to squeal as she mimicked Roseluck's cooing tones.
"I've been practicing looking normal. Like it, Doctor?" She batted her eyes at him, showing off the somewhat strained eyes looking in the same direction. They were beginning to hurt.
"Derpy... they're not normal. What they usually are is normal. With all of their googly wonderfulness."
She blushed and looked away, letting her eyes roll away from each other once again.
"There," he breathed, "much better. Your eyes are one of the many reasons why I love you."
What? She held her breath, not wanting to jump to conclusions.
"You... love me?"
"Of course! We're friends aren't we? Best friends at that. Ah look! The hay fries are here."

Derpy sighed and went back to playing with her strange tea.

Roseluck opened her eyes as Carnegie shifted beside her.

"Ohhh blimey. How long've I been out?"
"About two hours," Roseluck answered, "you snore when you sleep."
Carnegie raised a bushy eyebrow at her. He grunted irritably.
"Well, usually I don't have anypony listenin'. Anythin' else her Majesty wishes to complain about?"
"Well, you could do with brushing your mane again. And a dash of deodorant wouldn't kill you."
"Oh yea? Well, Miss Rose, I'd like ta point out tha' you could use a bit of whiskey. Calm those feisty nerves of yours. I may have been drunk, but I still remember ya slappin' me 'cross me face."
"You need to file those hooves!"
"Ya need ta learn a bit o' manners!"
"You need to clean your tail!"
"Ya need ta clean yer attitude!"
They were nose to nose now, arguing back and forth in the middle of the carriage's chamber.
"YOU need to stop drinking so much!"
"Ya need ta drink a bit more!"
"You need to stop burping all the time!"
"Ya need to mind yer-"

They were kissing.

Roseluck wasn't sure how it happened. She wasn't sure if it was her who had kissed him first, or he who kissed her first. But she didn't care.
He honestly didn't smell that bad, and his lips had the taste of liquor and salt on them. He smelled nice, like the honey mead he had served her when they had first met. She let her eyes close, enjoying the kiss and the warmth of Carnegie.
She felt his hoof touch her mane. She put her hoof on his shoulder.

Then the carriage door opened. They pulled away from each other, gasping for air. Derpy and Time Turner looked to them, with wide eyes. Carnegie and Rose both looked to each other. They were both lying on their back, having flung each other away after being startled. Both were bright red with blush.

"Well... ah... should we close the door again?" Derpy whispered innocently.
Time Turner face-hoofed.

Chapter VII: Birth of an Alicorn

“If time travel is possible, where are the tourists from the future?”
― Stephen Hawking, A Brief History of Time

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Derpy had been the one to find the oil, Time Turner informed them. They had been wandering aimlessly when she spotted stacks of metal barrels with 'BLACKWATER' on the sides. After buying several they had immediately returned, only to find them... doing whatever it was they were doing.

Carnegie Porter was in semi-shock. The last marefriend he had broke up with him because of his drunken antics. Roseluck seemed to like his drunken antics. But the fact that they were suddenly an item kind of struck him down to earth, away from the La La Land he had associated with drinking alcohol.

He wondered if they really liked each other, or the kiss had just been a spur of the moment thing.

Seemed to be that way. He was blasted drunk earlier, as well.

He spared a glance at the silent Earth pony mare sitting beside him. Rose was a fairly pretty mare. She had a lovely red mane, and she kept her coat well-cleaned, it's pale yellow glowing in the dim lights of the chamber. Her light green eyes complimented his darker ones.

She looked up and met his gaze. She smiled faintly and he smiled back. Porter busied himself with opening a bottle of rum while Derpy buckled up to the other side of him. The walleyed pegasus seemed cheerier and more giggly than usual. Maybe she had had a good time with the Doc. Or maybe, Carnegie thought to himself, maybe she's happy that Rose isn't quite as into the Doctor as before.

No, that was ridiculous. How could Derpy and the Doctor ever become an item? That was when Carnegie realized, in whatever drunken passion had swept him up into that kiss, he and Roseluck had suddenly become an item.

Time Turner returned, climbing up into the chamber. He sealed the door behind him, locking it. The darker stallion looked to the others in their seats at the back.

"Well, that was the last barrel of oil. We'll be able to jump to exactly 0 B.C." He announced. Everypony in the chamber hushed. They all knew what year zero meant.
"The... birth of Princess Celestia? That's where we will pop out, right?"
"Yes. Approximately two hours before her birth. And, based on my calculations, we should be popping up in Canterlot. We will be able to witness the birth of an Alicorn."

Everypony in the carriage was silent.

This was a moment that not even Porter could ruin with one of his infamous belches.

"Well," Carnegie Porter rasped, his throat suddenly dry, "what are we waitin' 'ere for? Punch the button already, Doc."

With a rumble, the carriage halted. It lurched forward one final time, causing Time Turner to fall onto his face and the other three to strain against their seat belts.

"Now," Time Turner began, "this is a big moment in Equestrian history. The Civil Wars between the tribes have finally calmed to mere political squabbles. The birth of Princess Celestia to King Helios and Queen Selene, the first of the few Alicorns to be born from the Canterlotian unicorns. Princess Amore was another Alicorn, and would bear Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. This is the birth of an Alicorn.
"And," he continued, "Carnegie Porter cannot be drunk while witnessing the birth of Celestia."

Carnegie let out a spluttering line of complaints and excuses, but he eventually agreed to sober up before meeting Helios and Selene and witnessing Celestia's birth. He placed the bottle of lager he had been sipping back into the alcohol pile.

"And one other thing, Starswirl the Bearded is born exactly one hundred days after Celestia's birth. Hopefully we can jump forward a few decades and catch him. That way he can help find a new method of travel, not requiring so much oil."
"Starswirl the Bearded?" Derpy repeated, eyes wide, "We're going to meet him?"
"We're going to try to meet him."
"Good thing everypony thought the poor bloke was daft," Porter called from across the chamber, "'cuz I'm pretty sure he'll be blabbering on 'bout a few time travellin' ponies."
"Porter, everypony thinks YOU'RE daft," Roseluck said, looking at him oddly, "and you ARE a time travelling pony."

After an hour or so, Porter had sobered up, and now they had braced themselves for another stunning look into the past. The door slid open, and Carnegie Porter was the first to step our, arching his bushy eyebrows to and fro. The dark cobblestone streets of the capital were silent.

"Coast is clear."

Roseluck clambered down and landed beside him. He wanted to say something witty and flirtatious, but his mind drew a blank. It usually did so when he was sober. Carnegie admitted it was a great sign of respect to approach the newborn Princess as the cleaned, beaming, sober Porter, but he felt smarter, more energetic when he was drunk. Or even when he was just a bit tipsy.

Derpy soon followed, gliding down silently on her wings. Finally, Time Turner climbed down and stood beside Porter, checking the empty streets.

"Alright, so there's a surplus of Royal Guards at this point, especially centered on Canterlot in preparation for the Royal birth. We'll have to sneak in, steal a bit of the royal supply of oil, and then maybe we can get a glimpse of the newborn Celestia."
"Doc, tell me again, why do we wanna see the baby Princess so badly?"
"Because, Porter, nopony besides the Classical Equestrian royalty directly related to the King and Queen and the King and Queen themselves have seen her at her youngest age. We would be the first ponies in history to provide an accurate description of her."

They snuck along, hugging the walls of the quiet city. Whenever a Guard passed by, Carnegie would toss an empty bottle, letting it smash away from them. That technique kept them from being discovered and possibly arrested. The castle loomed over them, but it's tower grew closer and closer as they neared the entrance. Then Time Turner, who was leading them, stopped. Which meant Derpy stopped. Which meant Roseluck stopped. Which meant Carnegie Porter stopped, barely catching himself before falling flat on his face again.

Instead, he landed on his rump with a dull thud. Wincing, he got up to see the Doctor pull up a sewage grate.

"Oh please Doctor tell me we don't have to go down there," Roseluck gasped, "there'll be rats, and other nasty beasts!"
"Don' worry, love. I'll protect ya." Carnegie chuckled before realizing what that sounded like.
"Not that... ah... ya will be needin' any protectin' from a drunk like me." He blubbered as Time Turner smirked and Derpy giggled.
Roseluck, however, took it in a good way.

"Of course you could protect me," she purred in his ear after kissing his cheek, "love." The mimicry of his cockney accent and the use of the word 'love' made Derpy and the Doctor snigger. Carnegie scowled.

"Oye I oughta buck ya right-"
"Now? But Carnegie, dear, we're in in the middle breaking into the castle."
"No, tha's not what I meant... Forget it. Just get in the sewers already."
"As you wish, love."

Carnegie face-hoofed as Derpy and Roseluck swung down the stinking hole. Time Turner patted Carnegie's shoulder.

"So, Porter, when's the wedding?"
"BLIMEY! We kissed one time! ONE TIME! An' I was drunk, an' she was doin' whatever. Yar all actin' like we went an' bucked right up out in public."
He swung down the hole, splashing into the disgusting brownish water below.
"Crickey. It was one kiss. It's no big deal."
Carnegie heard a scoff and he turned to see Roseluck looked at him, with a hurt look on her face.

"Aw no, Rose, love, I didn' mean it tha' way..."
But she had already turned away, holding her nose up as she trotted alongside Derpy in the direction of the castle. Carnegie groaned as Time Turner leapt down into the water beside him.

"Let's 'urry up an' get this over with, Doc. I need a good long draft of lager."

They had reached the castle's part of the sewers. Time Turner, standing on Porter's back, lifted up the heavy grate. fresh air swam into the dank tunnels, and the ponies each breathed in a deep whiff of fresh air. Derpy flew up the hole first. Then she called for the others to come on up. Porter helped the Doctor up, and then before picking up Roseluck to shove up the hole, he pulled her aside.

"I need ta talk to ya for a minute."
"About...?"
"Well... about what happened in the TROTIS. The..."
"...kiss?"
"Yeah. Tha'."
She paused, her mouth open as she thought about what she was going to say next. Roseluck noticed he was indeed sober and therefore looked much more like the handsome motivational speaker Porter she saw at the deer fortress. Before she could speak, however, he reached forward and kissed her.

"There. Now it wasn' a one time thing. Now lemme help ya up there."

Porter lifted her up, Time Turner and Derpy pulling her up. Last was him, struggling up the hole without any boosts. They decided to leave the grate open, since the room they had climbed into was obviously some kind of closet.

Porter was first to peep out the door. They were in the closet for the storage room. Doctor looked at the many barrels of oil. Many were still labelled as BLACKWATER, but quite a few read OIL instead. This was the Classical era, after all. Many things were being renamed and re-identified scientifically. Time Turner went ahead and tossed a barrel into the closet for when they made the return trip back to the TROTIS. But right now, they had a baby Alicorn to see.

Cleaning up in several tubs of water, and grabbing a few Guards uniforms from the racks, they left the storage room and proceeded down the main hallway. They had been disguised as members of the Royal Guard. Derpy had her wings tucked in under her breastplate, so she looked more like an Earth pony guard. Time Turner and Derpy led the way. They made sure to march in formation, to better seem less suspicious.

They had only been walking a few minutes before they saw light streaming from an open door at the end of the shadowy hall. Hushed voices echoed down to them. The four ponies made their way down the hall, until they were met by a room filled with gleeful royals and more, crowded around a single corner of the room.

Carnegie, Time Turner, Derpy, and Rose pushed their way through the crowd.

Time Turner let out a gasp as he recognized an Alicorn male, the only Alicorn male in history, the brightly-colored King Helios. His cutie mark was that of a pair of crossed swords. And lying at the hay-covered floor by his feet was Queen Selene. Her mark that of the full moon. Her midnight black coat shone, casting an eerie glow from the many lanterns surrounding her and the foal.

The foal.

Princess Celestia. She was a small pale white newborn, with a nub of a horn and small baby wings. Her mane and tail were not the flowing rainbow colors Time Turner had expected, but they were instead a shimmering pink. She let out a little yawn, her tiny eyes having not yet opened. She nuzzled up to the Queen, her mother.

"Now," thundered King Helios, "we shall name the Princess."
"Yes," whispered Queen Selene, "quietly, dear. The baby is sleeping."
"Right," he replied, looking sheepish, "anywho, ideas?"

"Selene Junior!"
"Isis!"
"Mary Sue!"

"How about Celestia?" Carnegie called, jokingly.

Everypony in the room was quiet. Time Turner and Rose shot looks of alarm at him, which he didn't notice.

"Celestia? Hmm... I like it. What about you, dear?" Selene said to her husband.
"It seems to be a very good name. Now, everypony present, witness the naming of your Princess Celestia!"

Chapter VIII: The Derpiest of Derpy's Derps

“Vane grabbed me. “DuLac, let’s chat.”
Chat. British-speak for “Stand still while I yell at you.”
― Priya Ardis, My Merlin Awakening

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

They had successfully escaped the castle undetected, with their barrel of oil.

Getting it down the sewers had been easy enough. Pulling it up out of them was the hard part. Derpy was flapping, pulling on the heavy barrel with all the strength she could spare. Carnegie Porter, Time Turner, and Roseluck were grunting in the turd-filled sewage. They were holding up the barrel, pushing it out of the hole.

Derpy huffed and gave one final pull, tugging it up from the gate and onto the cobblestone road. Then came the overwhelming task of pulling the two stallions and Roseluck from the sewage.

They all were filthy. They had been able to quickly bathe when in the storage room, but now they stood about, soaking in filth and grease. They placed the barrel on its side and began to slowly roll it down the street, towards the distant TROTIS.

Then they heard somepony yell.

"Halt! Who goes there?"

A Royal Guard was behind them, marveling at the filth-caked ponies rolling a metal barrel of oil down the street.

"You are breaking curfew! I am hereby placing you..." He took a moment to count them out. "Four under arrest."

Carnegie, of course, was first to speak up. Derpy felt that Time Turner should be the one to talk them out of the situation, but Carnegie was better with just talking to other ponies, anyways.

"Lissen, Gov. I've 'ad a rough night. A rough couppa thousand years, at tha'. Maybe we can take ya to our carriage, give ya a pint o' lager, an' we'll be off. Sound good, mate?"
The guard replied by socking him in the mouth with a hoof. The brewer crumpled, landing on his side. He groaned, his cheek already starting to bruise. The guard began to beat the tar out of him, and his friends let out cries of protest and nearly began to fight back when Carnegie choked out a bellow.
"Get goin' ya three! I'll be at the TROTIS, jus' leave 'im ta me!"

They hesitated, but they eventually turned and ran, rolling the barrel along beside them. Behind them, they heard grunts and scuffling from the two fighting stallions. Derpy knew Carnegie Porter was made out of tough stuff, but he wasn't a fighter. Sure he got drunk and talked big, but Derpy knew the stallion was just a big softie. And he was fighting a trained Classical-Era Royal Guard.

They reached the TROTIS. She and Roseluck both turned, and breathed a sigh of relief as they saw the stumbling silhouette of Porter approach. Guards were running after him, carrying and levitating spears and crossbows. They all clambered inside, having refueled the TROTIS. Time Turner immediately began to set the time machine to begin moving.

Carnegie had just reached the time machine, and was clambering in when a crossbow bolt shot him right in the rear left leg, in the knee. Derpy heard Roseluck let out a scream. Roaring in pain, he pulled himself up. He collapsed onto the floor, his leg already bleeding profusely from the bolt sticking out of it. The door closed and sealed as Guards began to beat against its sides.

Without a moment's hesitation, Time Turner slammed a hoof into the activation button.

The carriage began to lurch and the pounding outside stopped as they sped forward in time.

Carnegie Porter choked down an entire vat of ale.

His leg had stopped bleeding so much, but a steady stream continued to flow from it. Roseluck sat by his side, petting his mane as she cried, tears falling onto his face. The bruise from the Guard's kick was still dark and puffy. He smacked his lips as he finished his alcohol.

"Alrigh', Doc," Porter winced, "Pull 'er out."

Time Turner gripped the tail of the bolt. He began to pull, and Carnegie's screams of agony echoed across the shaking time machine. Time Turner had set it to autopilot while he tended to the younger stallion's horrible wound.

Roseluck kissed his unmarked cheek.
"You're doing great, Porter. Just breathe."

Finally, Time Turner ripped the bolt free, and Derpy leapt into action. They had a few towels hanging around. She hurriedly wiped down his leg and began using long ripped strips of towel as bandages. His leg was soon bound in rags, the bleeding stopped. They had also found a roll of duct tape, which they used to completely seal off the shoddy work before them. Derpy wished they had a unicorn with them, to heal. Thinking about unicorns made Derpy think about Dinky. She immediately felt homesick.

"Doc, how long have we been gone from home?"
"Time is irrelevant when we're traveling, Derpy. No time has actually passed at all in the present."

She tried to comprehend this, but it made her head ache. She wished she was smarter. Maybe then Time Turner would love her back. Carnegie had passed out in stress, and the Doctor was mopping up the blood from the floor. Roseluck lay beside Carnegie, petting his mane still. They all had filth caked onto their hooves and coats, but they had wiped off most of it with the few spare towels they now had left.

She felt her heart explode looking at Time Turner as he sat down in exhaustion. Derpy knew now was the time to tell him. With Carnegie asleep and Roseluck occupied with keeping the unconscious stallion accompanied, Derpy knew this was the time to tell him, with nopony to laugh at her when she told him.

"Doc," she whispered timidly. He looked up, his blue eyes meeting her yellow ones. He looked so tired. She wanted to just snuggle up to him, make him feel better. But she held herself back.

"Doc... I-I... I..."
"It's okay, Derpy," He said back to her, "it wasn't your fault Carnegie got shot. He did it to save us."
"Wai - wha? No! Doc, I-I l..l-lo..."
He looked at her quizzically.
"What are you trying to say, Derpy?"
"Doc," she breathed in, trying to slow her racing heart, "Doc, I love you."
He smiled at her, getting up to put a foreleg around her shoulders in a hug.
"Aw... Derpy, I love you, too."

"W-Wait! It's not in the way you think it is..." She protested.
He gave her a half-smile, looking into her eyes.
"It's okay, Derpy. I love you in that way, too."

Then, before she could say anything else, Time Turner used the hoof he had had on her shoulder to turn her muzzle towards his, and kissed her. He kissed her! It was only for a second, but Derpy felt like it had lasted a millennium. When he broke away, he smiled warmly at her. Derpy thought for a moment she must have been dreaming. Then he pulled her into a hug once more, then broke away to manage the dashboard.

Derpy stood there in shock.

Roseluck turned to the pegasus, grinning.

"Nice one, Derps. You have your stallion, and I've found mine."
She gestured towards the now snoring Carnegie. The wounded stallion's leg was a mess. His face looked like raw meat. Derpy Hooves realized that Roseluck must have really fallen for the drunk to still coo over a face like that.

"Yeah, Rose. I guess you do.

"And I do, too."

Chapter IX: Starswirl the Clean-Shaven

“There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick.”
― Steven Moffat, Doctor Who

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"We finally reached 'im then, Doc?"
"Yes. We're right when Starswirl just started his career, working as the Royal Wizard. Thankfully, we only moved to the outer gates of Canterlot. We should be able to get in and find him easily enough. But more info before we step out. Now, the King has recently died in combat. Be respectful, you three. And Celestia's mother is going to pass from grief in a few more decades."
"But Doctor," Derpy interjected, "couldn't we do anything to save them?!"
"No, even if they did live, history would mend itself. They'd still end up dying and Celestia and her sister, the filly Luna, would rise as the Royal Sisters. As a side, King Sombra is currently ruling over the Crystal Kingdom, murdering Princess Amore. Princess Amore's daughter, the newborn Princess Mi Amore Cadenza is being raised by Queen Selene. Discord has made his presence known. He is gaining a small following."
"So what year is it?" Rose asked.
"The year is 750 A.B. They have only recently adopted the B.C. A.B. year count."

Carnegie Porter pulled himself up, careful not strain his injured leg. He took a sip of beer, the alcohol helping to numb the throbbing pain. Roseluck stood by his side, letting him lean slightly against her for support.

They all stood by the beeping dashboard, even though Time Turner was the only one of them who understood what it was saying.

Carnegie realized that everypony was tired.
Time Turner looked exhausted, bags under his eyes. Derpy's own walleyes were a little bloodshot with tire. Roseluck was swaying slightly, struggling to keep him up. Carnegie knew for a fact he could use some rest.
He suggested they find a stream, take a quick bath, and then come back to rest for awhile in the time machine. They all merrily agreed to that.
They did in fact find a stream. They washed the filth from their hooves and coats. Roseluck helped him wash the gaping hole in the back of his leg. It smarted a bit, but Carnegie knew a nice washing would do it good.

Then, together, they all passed out onto the floor. Before he closed his eyes, Porter saw the Doctor put a hoof around Derpy.

Huh, he thought, as he did the same with Rose, looks like everypony's found love on this little trip of ours. How cute.

Then he began to snore loudly, with Rose snoring softly in his warm hug.

They were all jolted awake by a pounding on the door.

"Helloooo? Anypony in there? Seriously, Princess, who in their right minds would park their carriage right in the middle of the road like this?"
Time Turner and Carnegie Porter untangled themselves from Derpy and Roseluck. They all gazed in fear at the sealed door. Somepony was out there. They all began to silently panic, Rose and Derpy hiding behind the stallions. The stallions themselves had wide eyes, gaping at door.
Well, if anypony was going to tell them to piss off, why not let it be Carnegie Porter?

Carnegie cleared his throat, and winced in pain as his leg began to collapse beneath him. Roseluck quickly caught him, holding him up.

"Whatcha want, mate? We're in a righ' mess an' we don' need anymore trouble."
"Oh dear me, are you alright? You sound like you are in pain!"
"I... I've 'ad a wee bit of an accident with me leg. An' the rest of us are bloody tired as Tartarus."
"My good stallion, you talk as if there are more than one of you!"
"Aye. There's four of us."
"Four?! I say, do let us in! You sound like you're in horrible shape!"

Porter looked to Time Turner, arching a bushy eyebrow in question. After a moment of thought, the Doctor nodded.

"Alrigh'. We're gonna open the door. Step back, will ya?"

Time Turner pulled a lever, and the door slid open with a hiss. For a second, Carnegie's eyes were blinded by the morning light. Then he saw a pair of ponies, looking incredulously at the tattered band of travelers.

One was a pony that Carnegie remembered from story books. Tall, slender. Grey coat. Wearing a cape with jingling bells. Except he was without a hat and he was much younger. He didn't have his beard yet.
The other pony shocked Carnegie Porter to the core. It was an Alicorn. A white Alicorn, with a flowing pink mane and tail. Her cutie mark was that of a sun. The last time Porter had seen the Princess, she was a newborn foal, and he had accidentally named her while trying to make a joke.

Celestia.

Carnegie fainted, the startled cries of Rose, Time Turner, Derpy, Celestia, and Starswirl going unheard as he fell into darkness.

Starswirl the Clean-Shaven... Carnegie thought as his brain began to shut down.

Now that's a joke for the pub...

The next few times he woke up, his vision and mind were fuzzy.

The first time, he was lying in bed as a slender grey unicorn cast spell after spell on his leg and face. Carnegie thought he looked rather like that Shudderbones fellow. Then he remembered that Shudderbones was much darker than that unicorn, and wore a tattered cloak rather than a blue cape covered in stars...

Starswirl...

The second time, he was still lying in bed, and Rose was sitting in a chair by his bedside, wiping his forehead with a cold towelette. Noticing he had awoken, she whispered to him to go back to sleep. Then she kissed his forehead and he obeyed her hushed command.

The third time, it was nighttime, and a white Alicorn was looking down upon him, a strange expression on her face. She saw he had awoken and cast a quick spell, which eased his pain and lulled him back into a peaceful slumber.

Celestia...

The fourth time, he woke with a fever. Time Turner and Rose stood by his side, trying to help a masked doctor pony sponge down his leg and his head. They were saying something about infections and poisoned arrowheads. It hurt Carnegie's brain to think about. So he passed out once again.

The fifth and final time, Celestia was at his bedside again, humming a sweet melody. He smiled at the tune, recognizing it as an old pub song from the Canterlotian lowerclass bars. He tried humming with her, or even to sing the words, but he felt waves of exhaustion wash over him. Celestia noticed he had woken, and she bent low to whisper in his ear.

"Hush, my little pony. Starswirl tells me your time to sing will come soon. Now sleep."

And he slept.

Chapter X: The Sound of Music

“Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”
― Anthony G. Oettinger

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Roseluck did not trust the Princess.

She knew it was probably just some little pony whispering in her ear, making her jealous. But the Princess seemed to spend an awful lot of time sitting at Carnegie's bedside while the stallion lay, almost comatose. More time than SHE did, that's for damn sure. It seemed every night before Rose went to bed she'd see the young Celestia with her flowing pink mane standing over him. Then when she woke up, the Princess would still be there. This infuriated her to no end.

She couldn't grouch to Time Turner, because he was busy speaking with Starswirl about making changes to the TROTIS.

She couldn't grouch to Carnegie Porter because he was fighting off an infection and had to take antivenin for the poison that had been launched into his leg.

She couldn't grouch to herself, because that would mean she was crazy. And she didn't want to be that kind of marefriend (was she Carnegie's marefriend?).

So her choices left her with Derpy Hooves. The grey pegasus mare, her new friend and her former rival was glad to listen to Rose complain about the Princess.

"I mean, Derpy, I know she's royalty and all, but Porter is MY stallion. She can't just think she can come along and take him, just because she thinks she's all that."
Derpy sat there, her googly eyes straining as she tried to think of a good response. Her next few words were careful, measured out, and hushed.
"Well... I kinda know how you feel... You were kind of like that with Time Turner..."
Roseluck winced and she felt a pang of guilt.

"Yeah, I know... and I'm sorry I said all those awful things about you... I really think you and him are perfect for each other."
"Thanks," Derpy said with a goofy grin, "and it's okay, I figured you were sorry. As for you and Carnegie... I dunno, I just think you two are an odd couple. An alcoholic and a florist?" She let out a giggle.
"Ah ah ah," Rose sang, shaking her hoof at Derpy, "he's a brewer. And you've seen him when he put on that speech for the deer all that time ago. He can be a hunk when he wants to be."
Now it was Rose's turn to giggle. They began to playfully argue, back and forth, about who's stallion was better.

They were interrupted by Princess Celestia.

"Hello. I'm-"
"Princess Celestia."

The Princess blinked and nodded.

"I guess I should've just asked your own names."
"Hi! I'm Derpy Hooves!" The Princess nodded and bowed her head to Derpy, who bowed back eagerly.
"I'm Roseluck. Carnegie Porter's marefriend." The Princess raised an eyebrow at Rose, who tried her best not to look livid.

"Oh?"
"Oh."
"Ah."
"Oh yeah."

To Rose's surprise, Princess Celestia giggled.
"What's so funny?" She demanded, now letting her anger show.
"You think I'm interested in that alcoholic Earth pony? Believe me, Roseluck, that drunken fool is the last pony on my mind."
Roseluck felt like she was supposed to be relieved, but she felt more offended.

"Well what's THAT supposed to mean 'your Majesty'?! Is my stallion not good enough for you? Well, listen here sister, Carnegie may have his flaws, and a damn lot of them, but I love each and every one of them. I love that he's a loon, I love that he's a drunk, I love that he never takes ANYTHING seriously. And I'll let you know that I'll let him buck my brains out every chance I get, because he's a HUNK when he wants to be. You hear?"

Both Celestia and Derpy sat in hushed silence. Rose was panting, her rage finally cooled. The awkward silence was broken by the sound of stomping applause from the doorway. Carnegie Porter stood in the doorway, leaning against the frame. His coat was struck by a pallor and his face blemished by a dark mark across his left cheek. His leg was heavily bandaged still.

But his eyes sparkled with amusement as a smirk played across his face.

"Ya'll let me buck yer brains out,eh? I migh' jus' hold ya ta that promise, mi'lady." He sniggered as her face turned as red as her mane. She rounded on him.
"When did you get better? Did Starswirl or the Doctor let you get up? You look pale. You better lay back down before I force you."
"Calm down, lassie. I was only pickin' wit' ya."
She leapt from her bed, grasping his neck with her foreleg and pulling him in for a hearty kiss. She heard Celestia wolf-whistle jokingly, but she didn't care. Celestia could call him a drunken fool all she wanted. But he was Rose's drunken fool.

After the kiss, she cooed at him.
"Hey, Porter, why dontcha sing for the Princess and the royals before we leave. We'll want to thank them for saving you after you get all better." Carnegie grinned slyly.
"I dunno. Would I expect a bucking afterwards?"
She leaned in, whispering in his ear. She smelled like honeyed whiskey. A good smell.
"You can count on it."

Two days had passed since that episode in Rose and Derpy's shared bedroom. Carnegie was back to his colorful, lively self. His leg had been fully mended, and his face was free of bruises and marks. He had washed up, once again brushing himself up as the Sober Porter from the deer fortress. Roseluck thought he was hot.
And she didn't waste a moment telling him otherwise.

But now he stood upon a stage, wearing a simple black bow tie, a grim expression on his handsome features as he sang. Queen Selene, noticeably older and once again pregnant, sat somberly, listening to Carnegie's slow, sad ballad. Celestia sat beside her, slightly swaying. Her eyes were downcast. Rose figured she felt bad for the bad things she had said about the handsome stallion singing before them.

"An' King Helios, tha hero
he stood there wit' pride
he stood ground 'gainst the evil,
whippin' it's hide."

Starswirl and many other royal unicorns swayed in rhythm as well. The song of Carnegie Porter flooded through the castle, commemorating the fallen king. Giving comfort to those he had left behind.

The song ended. The last few deep notes resonating across the room. The audience began to stomp in applause. Carnegie bowed low, then strode from the stage. He grabbed a martini from a nearby butler as he removed the bow tie.
Of course.

Chapter XI: Skiddily Boop

“How did it get so late so soon?”
― Dr. Seuss

* * * * * * * * * * * *

After much moaning and waves of pleasure, Carnegie Porter and Roseluck fell to the bed, panting. It was late in the night. Porter grasped a bottle of whiskey from the nightstand. He took a hearty swig before offering it to his mate. She pondered for a moment, then accepted. She too took a long sip, the fiery substance moisturizing her dry mouth.

"Well..." she giggled, her female parts tingling between her legs, "that was fun."
Carnegie let out a quiet laugh, and then nuzzled her neck. They both lay there, in darkness, holding each other.
"Never thought I'd hit secon' base wit' ya." Carnegie whispered into her ear.
"Well, 'ya' thought wrong," she teased, mocking his accent. They laid there, together.

"Carnegie, how long have we known each other?"
"Ehhh... 'bout two thousand seven hundred, give o' take fifty, years."
"No, really. How long?"
"I dunno. It's kinda like what the Doc says. Time's irrelevant. From wha' I take o' it, tha' means that we've known each other for literally zero seconds."
"But how can that make sense? It feels like we've been travelling for weeks. And... we've started... whatever this is..."
"A relationship, ya mean, love?"
"Yeah," Roseluck breathed, glad that it was he who admitted they were now an item, "a relationship."
"Is tha' bad? Should we stop...?"
"What?! No! I was just wondering how long we've know each other before we started getting so... intimate."
"'Course it has. From what Doc says, we have literally just met. But here, in the fold o' time o' whatever, we've just started... well, we started having' sex, that's one thing."
"Ummm... let's not call it sex. I'm new to what we just did..."
"What do ya want me ta call it then? Buckin'? Bangin'? Skiddily boop?"
"Skiddily boop is fine, Carn."
"Fine. We jus' started havin' the skiddily boop."

Roseluck giggled girlishly and snuggled up to Porter. The warmth of the whiskey was dying out, and she reached out a hoof to grab his flask. She took another sip while Carnegie marveled in the darkness.

"Damn. Even Berry Punch didn' drink tha' much."
"Talk to me about Berry."
"Wha'? Why tha bloody hell do ya want me to talk 'bout 'er for?"
"Just tell me about what happened between you two. Why you broke up."
"Well, she was a ravin' bitch mos' o' tha time. I was worin' for 'er. Livin' in 'er basement. Then one day she tells me that I got meself five days ta find a roommate someplace else an' leave. 'Parently she'd been cheatin' on me wit' another bloke. Poor colt didn' even know I existed."
Rose gasped.

"Then what happened?"
"I found the Doctor. He let me move in. I pay half me rent. He pays his. We weren't really friends. But it was close 'nough."
"You don' have friends?"
"Rose, love, I'm an alcoholic. An' a brewer. Those two don' go together very well."
"Oh."
They lay again in dark silence. A whippoorwill let out a haunting cry.

"Alrigh'. Your turn, swee' cheeks."
"What?" Roseluck asked, genuinely puzzled.
"Tell me more 'bout yerself. I wanna get ta know a mare 'fore I star' bangin' her every chance I get."
"Well... not much to say... I'm a florist. I work together with Daisy and Lily Valley. We own a little flower stand. Gets good enough business. Besides them two and the Doc, I didn't really have any friends either before we took this... trip of sorts."
"Ya ever have any other coltfriends?"
"None that were interesting."
"Wanna talk 'bout 'em?"
"No."
"Fair 'nough."

They lay together, listening to the whir of cicadas and the chirping of crickets. Carnegie broke the silence.
"Rose, do ya really love me? Or is this jus' a thing ta get Time Turner ta notice ya?"

Rose turned towards him, shocked.
"Of COURSE I love you! I'm over Time Turner! Honest! Ever since I saw what you were capable of at the deer fortress, I began to love you. Swear it."
Carnegie was silent.

"Do you... love me, Carns?"
"Blimey, why woulda ask tha' after we done shagged fo' a good two 'ours? Of course I love ya!"
Rose snuggled up Carnegie, suddenly much more content and giddy than before. He pulled a blanket up over top of them.

And they went to sleep.

"You two have a good night?" Starswirl asked, looking mischievous. On his chin were the stubbly beginnings of a beard. Porter had caught him before shaving and suggested he grow out his beard. The wizard had pondered it before agreeing that he would look much better bearded.

"Well yea, had a bit o' cuddles, summin' ta do wit' a skiddily boop."

Starswirl snorted into his breakfast mead as Roseluck kicked at Carnegie Porter from under the table. Derpy blushed and the Doctor looked elsewhere, anywhere but at Carnegie and Rose. They were having breakfast with the Wizard, before embarking once more on their journey.

Starswirl had helped Time Turner place a magical energy turbine into the TROTIS. They would be able to make century long leaps forward, giving it about a day's charge between leaps. Since it was 750 A.B., it would take about thirteen irrelevant days to make it back home. They could not, however, overshoot. They would have to make the final leap as precise as possible, to avoid breaking reality, or else avoid getting a glimpse at what fate held for them. The TROTIS could go back in time, sure. But going forwards in time threatened to dis-balance fate and one's sanity.

Honestly, just hearing Time Turner and Starswirl talk about it made Carnegie's brain feel like it was being skiddily booped in the arse with a dragon's dong. So he kept quiet, drinking antiquated mead and eating fluffy pancakes.

Once they had finished their meal, Starswirl led them to the carriage. A few things, boxes and cables, had been attached to the time machine. They had already repacked and (Porter's heart leapt in his chest) restocked the collection of alcohol.

"Isn't the Princess going to say goodbye to us?" Derpy asked innocently.

"She was going to, but I fear that-"
"I'm here!"

Celestia landed unsteadily next to Starswirl, and looked to Rose with an air of approval.

"Miss Roseluck. I apologize for the rude things I have said about your coltfriend. You are lucky to have a stallion like that."

The brewer simply darted his eyes between the Princess and the florist. He wondered what in Equestria was going on.

Chapter XII: Circus Freaks

“Time is the longest distance between two places.”
― Tennessee Williams, The Glass Menagerie

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Starswirl the now somewhat bearded and Princess Celestia both waved at the four as they clambered back into the TROTIS, which they had moved into Starswirl's workshop and office in the Canterlot Castle.

Time Turner noticed that Carnegie Porter and Roseluck stood much closer to each other inside the time machine. He knew they had started getting close, but he would never of guessed how close they had gotten. First they were kissing, and now they were regular lovebirds. Derpy meanwhile, was sweetly waving back to the young stallion Starswirl and the young Princess Celestia. Ever since they had kissed, they too have gotten close.

As the door began to slowly seal itself, Time Turner made his was towards the dashboard. The others set themselves on their seats, buckling up. They each sat on their haunches, looking to Time Turner expectantly. He noticed that Roseluck had sweetly placed her hoof atop of Carnegie's. The brewer looked up at the Doctor with a sly grin.

"Well, Doc. Where to nex'?"

"Let's find out, Porter."
And he slammed a hoof into the big activation button.

The Doctor read the date on the dash.

"850 A.B. Exactly a one century leap. This is the year after Queen Selene's demise. About ninety years after the birth of Princess Luna. Princess Mi Amore Cadenza the First has also been born, at about the same time. This will also be about when Radiant Hope dies, having completed a full compendium of healer's magic. Princess Cadenza the First would have taken power of the Crystal Empire, but this is also the time where King Sombra rules over the North. Princess Cadenza will birth the Duchess of Canterlot, who will then birth the first unicorn in the Crystal Royal bloodline. Princess Mi Amore Cadenza the Second. She will gain her Alicorn powers and become the Princess of Love later on, when she discovers the true meaning of love."

"So... What does that mean? For us?" Rose asked. "Because from what Starswirl told us, we'll need to let the TROTIS rest for twenty four hours before moving on."

"Well," the Doctor explained, "Equestria is at war with the Sombrian Crystal Empire. Security is tightened. The Princess is new to her job. Starswirl is beginning to truly age, and many believe he is becoming senile. There have been medical advances. The kingdom is in a full-blown panic mode."

"'Cuse me, Doc," Carnegie belched, "is tha' good for us or bad?"

"Depending on how quickly we can find Starswirl, good."
"Why do we needa find the bloke, Doc?"
"He and Celestia are the only ponies who know who we are. Who know that we are not Sombrian spies or wicked monsters in disguise. And Celestia is busy with wartime activities. Starswirl is the only pony who can keep us safe."

"So when are going to go out and find him?" Derpy piped up. She looked eager to explore. Carnegie realized that he too was excited. Having stepped out into new worlds that were still the land he knew was thrilling.

"Now."

The door slid open as the seal broke and it was unlocked. It was nighttime, so sunlight fortunately did not blind them as they stepped outside. They had moved, and were well far away from the castle. It loomed in the distance, leaning against the mountain. They could see lights from windows and hear the marching and calling of the Royal Guard.

Carnegie was first to step down onto the cold ground. It was winter, and a thin layer of snow coated the ground. He stomped a hoof, pawing at the snow. Porter took one final look around before beckoning to the others to follow. Within minutes they had hidden the TROTIS beneath a pile of brush and were on their way towards the dark castle.

Porter felt like the same castle he had seen a hundred years ago looked different. It seemed taller, bolder. Almost like Canterlot dared Sombra to attack it. Carnegie felt like walking up to the castle and offering it a mighty pint of his best lager. Then he realized that castles don't drink alcohol. And even if they did, a pint would be way too small.

Carnegie was now wondering if they made giant Equestrian Games swimming pool-sized bottles.

"Porter. Quit staring off into space. We need to get to the castle."

Carnegie galloped after his friends, shaking the stupid from his head. The winter night air chilled the party of four to the bone. Carnegie Porter hoped that Starswirl was still as accommodating as he had been one hundred years ago.

When they had finally approached the gates of Canterlot, they were taken aside by Guards, who questioned their origins and their intentions. They all answered as honestly as possible, saying they were from Ponyville and required an audience with Starswirl the Bearded. After repeating story many tiring times, they were finally allowed into the city. Unlike the first time they had entered Canterlot in the year 0 B.C., ponies were packed in the bustling night-life of Canterlot. Many wore coats and hats. Seeing all those warm clothes made the four friends suddenly feel even more chilly. They hurried along towards the castle.

Ponies would glance at the four. Porter realized they must seem like an odd bunch. Especially since everypony they passed all glanced at their cutie marks. Carnegie let himself glance as well, although his stare lingered a while longer on Rose's flank.

A pint of beer.
A rose.
A few bubbles.
And an hourglass.

No wonder they were staring, with their own cutie marks of stars, sparkles, and diamonds. They must've been an odd sight for the Canterlotian high society.

When they reached the guard, an idea popped into his head.

"State your business." The guard demanded.
"We are here to see Starswirl the Beard, the Royal Wizard." Time Turner stated boldly.
"That is whom your business is with. State your business."
Time Turner looked worried for a moment, but Porter jumped into the conversation.
"Ahhhh... We're performers, gov!"
"Performers?"
"Aye! Tha incredible time-travellin' Dr. Hooves an' his assistant Ms. Hooves!"
He twirled a hoof in the pegasus and stallion's direct. Derpy did a little pirouette in midair as Time Turner bowed.
"We got the beautiful Miss Roseluck, teller o' fortunes!"
He lifted Rose's hoof in his, kissing it. She gushed as Carnegie went on.
"Then we got me! Mister Porter, Champion Drinker o' Equestria an' o' All o' Time!"

The guard looked at them strangely.
"Champion drinker of Equestria, eh?"
"Aye, gov!"
"Prove it."
"Ehhhh... what?"
"I got a tank of mead in the Guard's post just by here. Drink the whole vat and live, and I'll accept your story."

Carnegie Porter gulped. Sure he was a drunken lunatic and a master brewer. But drinking a TANK of mead?

"CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!"

The air was filled with the gleeful hoots and hollers of off-duty Royal Guards as they stood around Carnegie Porter. The tan stallion was hooked up to a vat, which sprayed a constant stream of piss-colored alcohol into his mouth. Time Turner, Derpy, and Rose stood to the side, each with a different face.

Time Turner was looking exasperated. They last thing they needed was for Carnegie Porter to get so drunk he was unintelligible.
Derpy looked confused. She couldn't understand how Porter was drinking all that beer without drowning.
Roseluck had an expression of worry. Carnegie kept choking, gagging on the flow of beer.

The Guards could care less. They simply stomped and cheered for him to keep chugging.

After an agonizing fifteen minutes, the tank had been drained. Carnegie Porter was stumbling about, his vision blurry.

"An' tha' gents," he burped in his slurring Cockney accent, "is 'ow ya drink mead."
The wasted stallion staggered over to Roseluck, who caught him before he fell flat on his face.
"Hey there, love... fancy seein' you 'ere. Didn' I 'ave sex wit' ya?"
Roseluck's face turned as red as her mane as she kept Carnegie from collapsing onto the ground. The Doctor was looking at the two scandalously. Derpy's own cheeks were faintly pink.
"Porter, hush, love. There are other ponies around."
In response, he kissed her sloppily on the lips. She felt her face redden even more as she smiled weakly at the laughing Guards and her shocked friends. Carnegie continued to babble to nopony in particular.

"I am tha prettiest bloody Princess in all tha lan'. Aight, gov?"

The Guards didn't stop them as the three friends carried the delirious Carnegie away from the Guards' post and through the castle's now unguarded door.

"Oye, we're tha circus freaks, an' dontcha fugget it!" Carnegie announced as they closed the door behind them. He proceeded to vomit on the lush red rug lying in the Entrance Hall.

Chapter XIII: Dictionary Definition of Incompetence

“Time is an illusion.”
― Albert Einstein

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Carnegie lay passed out on Starswirl's bed. The old wizard was looking at the stallion with a peculiar yet amused half-smile.

"Your friend here has quite the special talent, my little ponies."
"Well," Time Turner countered, "his special talent isn't drinking giant tanks of alcohol if that's what you're implying."
"Eh. I was only suggesting it. But do tell, the magical generator worked?"
"Yes, fortunately. We made the century leap and have managed to set it up for a twenty-four hour charge."
"That's great! oh and the Princess'll want to know that you're back! She'll be so pleased!"
"Starswirl... you do realize there's a war going on?"
"Well of course, my good stallion!"
"So you know we can't afford to bother the Princess."
"Oh poo. Well, I guess we'd better purge your friend of all that alcohol again before it kills him."

The wizard had been regularly casting detox spells towards the comatose Porter every hour or so. The amount of alcohol he had ingested nearly killed him, Swarswirl had said, they were lucky they got to him in time. Carnegie Porter was literally on the brink of death. He was still comatose.

When Starswirl had told them that he had narrowly avoided death, Roseluck had gone into a full panic mode.

"That was beyond the most irresponsible thing I've ever seen anypony do. I swear to Celestia, when that stallion wakes back up, I'm going to kill him. Nopony should have to suffer because he thought," she began to mimic his cockney accent, choking up a bit, "'Blimey! It's a grea' idea if I jus' waltz up an' drink a barrel full o' beer. Y'know, fer laughs!' Honestly the most uncalled-for, most foolish thing I've ever seen him do!"

Then Rose began hysterically sobbing next to Carnegie, begging him to wake up as fast as possible, so she could kiss him. Time Turner winced, and started to believe that Rose was a rather clingy marefriend to Porter. Time Turner shuddered. Carnegie Porter had a marefriend. It was a scary thought to behold.

As Roseluck desperately tried to wake Porter with Starswirl, Time Turner decided to go and see what Derpy was up to.

He wasn't sure if he and Derpy had agreed on a relationship yet. But Time Turner had given it plenty of thought. The pegasus came with a package. She had that adopted filly. The darling unicorn that he had met at the Ponyville Schoolhouse. He chuckled as he remembered her calling him 'Mister Doctor Time Turner'. That day, she had introduced him to her mother, a beautiful mare with the cutest and silliest googly eyes.

He suddenly imagined Dinky Hooves calling her 'Daddy Mister Doctor Time Turner'. He smiled slightly to himself.

Derpy Hooves was alone in her guest bedroom. She had just woken from a short nap. And now Derpy lay on her back, staring up at the ceiling (and the left wall, but she focused her attention on the ceiling).

She remembered what the half-dead-drunk Carnegie had said about Roseluck.

Had they really had... Derpy blushed at the thought... sex? Derpy had never gotten intimate with anypony before. She didn't blame them. Her eyes were quite the turn-off. She thought about the Doctor. Time Turner. How he was so kind and gentle... So handsome...

She closed her eyes again and remembered the kiss they had shared. He had revealed that he too had feelings for her. The mere thought made Derpy endlessly happy; the stallion of her dreams loved her back! She imagined he was with her, alone together in the bedroom. She blushed. She knew what a mare and a stallion did together in the bedroom.

Derpy imagined him holding her... Kissing her... Touching her...

She was bolted away from her fantasies by a knock at her door.

Derpy lit into panic mode. She wrapped a sheet around her. Her marehood had gotten very sweaty, and she didn't want anypony noticing.

"Derpy?" Time Turner's muffled voice called from the other side of the door, "May I come in? Are you decent?"
Derpy wasn't sure what it was. But she knew this was her only chance to get him alone. She felt her walleyes straighten, as if some mystical force was helping her appear more presentable.

"I dunno, Doctor. Why dontcha come on in and find out?" She cooed. Derpy must've been channeling the sultry spirit of the old Roseluck. She flung away the blanket. She wouldn't be needing it.

The Doctor stepped in, and his eyes met a very seductive and very horny pegasus.

"D-Derpy! I thought you said I could come in!"
He began to step out.
"No! Doc! Please!" He returned, closing the door behind him.
"Timey... I love you... And you love me... And... And...." She felt her heart begin to give out.

"Just take me, Doctor!"

To her surprise, Time Turner blushed, looking away. He straightened his tie and brushed a hoof through his mane. Derpy's mind was distracted by how cute she thought he looked when he did that. Dorky, sweet, and lovable.

"Well... D-Derpy... I do love you... but I... I-I... I've never..."
Derpy got out of bed, walking over to him.
"It's okay," she whispered, "It'll be my first time, too."
He looked to her with wide eyes.

Then they turned to a burning gaze of passion as he undid his tie, slinging it away. He picked her up, kissing her, and carried her unsteadily with his forelegs over to the bed.

And then they did the skiddily boop.

And it was incredible.

Carnegie Porter was dreaming.

He knew he was dreaming. But at the same time he didn't care. Porter was with Rose in his dream. And they were married! They had foals! A little colt and a little filly! He had a family, and his own brewery was successful. He had a life of his own.

The Doctor was there, wedded to Derpy. Four great friends, together with their foals. But then darkness began to lurk about, turning the plants into flames. Carnegie cried out to his dream children as they vanished. Rose cried out to him, and he turned, only to see her and his friends disappear as well with screams of pain. He felt tears fall down the face of his dream-self.

Then there was somepony else.

A unicorn. A unicorn stallion. Tall dark, and with a glowing purple aura.

"Begone, Sombra! This is not your domain!" Instantly, everything vanished except for Carnegie and the stallion. A glowing cross with a loop in it shone on the stranger's flank.

"Carnegie Porter, your time has not come yet. You will have to awaken soon. And that future you saw taken from you... That is your future if you wish it be. If you let it be. Now go. I cannot hold back Sombra much longer."

The stallion looked into Porter's terrified green eyes with shining lavender orbs.

"Rise, Carnegie Porter, RISE!"

Then Carnegie Porter woke up.

Author's Note

Hope you appreciated the story-bombing by Shudderbones.

Chapter XIV: Porter & Rose's Hoofmade Fermented Rosehip Soda

“The future is uncertain but the end is always near.”
― Jim Morrison

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Carnegie Porter woke up.

It was as simple as that. He just opened his eyes and boom. He was awake.

For one terrifying moment, the stallion's heart had stopped. He hadn't been breathing. Starswirl and Roseluck were pounding at his chest, the wizard shooting spell after spell into Carnegie's body, which was getting colder by the second. Then, without any true explanation, Carnegie Porter let out a gasp of pain. And he woke up. Almost literally rose from the dead.

Before he knew it, Roseluck was kissing him. Carnegie tried to tell her about his dream, but he gave up, and let her fuss over him. He could always tell her later. Starswirl the Bearded was at his side, completely flabbergasted.

"But... YOU WERE DEAD! None of my spells would resuscitate you! Then you just woke up like you were only taking a nap! You DIED, son! Of alcohol poisoning!"

"Crickey," Porter whispered, his throat dry, "where's a bloody drink when a stallion needs it? Somepony grab me a bottle o' gin. Me throat's itchin' something crazy."

Both the ponies gaped at him.
Rose was first to speak: "Carnegie, love... you nearly died drinking a giant vat of alcohol. And... you want to drink some more."
"Well love," Carnegie answered, in a hoarse rasp, "M'name's not Porter for nothin'."

Just then, Derpy and the Doctor walked in, a faint redness to their cheeks as they walked in giggling to each other like little schoolfillies. They both gasped when they saw Porter, now awake and up and about. Fortunately, Time Turner carried a bottle of rum, which Carnegie snatched from his hoof.

"Carnegie! You're okay!" Derpy squealed.
"It's good to see you alive, Porter." Time Turner said with a cheery grin, putting a hoof around Derpy's shoulder. Her wings -pomf-ed up and she turned a bit more pink. Carnegie finished chugging the bottle of rum, tossing it over his shoulder. Behind him, Starswirl irritably levitated the glass shards into a waste bin. Porter took a moment to carefully study the couple's faces.

"You two had sex didn't you?"
"Porter!" Rose gasped behind him.
"Sorry, love. I meant the skiddily boop."

Derpy and the Doctor chuckled nervously, and shuffled their hooves as they desperately tried to not look at Porter or each other in the eye.
"Ahhh... I see now. You fellas decided that while I was takin' a trip to la la loopy land, you go an' have a grand ol' time skiddily booping away. Fair 'nough."
The two didn't say anything to deny it, and Carnegie let out a barking laugh.
"I knew ya two would hook up. Figured it was only a matter o' time 'fore ya went at each other like rabbits."

Then the worse thing Carnegie could imagine happened.

A filly crawled in. She looked up at them with wide eyes, her dark blue coat shining. She was an Alicorn. And based on her crown, she was a Princess.

It was the young Luna.

She looked directly at Starswirl and asked:
"Starswirl, what's the 'skiddily boop?'"

Time Turner was heartily embarrassed. Well, embarrassed was a mild way of putting it. He felt more like being decapitated while scalding hot irons burned his flanks than to be babbling incoherently before a cackling drunk, a sobby Rose, a keen wizard, his marefriend, and especially the little Princess Luna. Starswirl was arching a Porter-style bushy eyebrow at him. He had to answer.

"I-It's... um... Princess..."
"It's when a stallion bucks the bloody brains outta a mare."
Everypony turned to Carnegie Porter. Time Turner was shocked.
"What? She wanted ta know. An' I'm not one ta sugarcoat things unless they're over eighty proof and in a fancy bottle."
Starswirl facehoofed. Roseluck rolled her eyes but smiled slightly.
Princess Luna giggled, not quite understanding Carnegie's blunt definition. Fortunately for Time Turner, she didn't pursue the topic, and simply ran from the room, laughing. They all breathed a sigh of relief before Porter resumed his rounding.

"So you two wen' an' 'ad a good ol' time while, from what Starsparkle-"
"Starswirl."
"Whatever, beardy. From what Starswirl says, I was dyin' down 'ere."

"Yeah," Time Turner argued, "but that was your own doing!"
"I was gettin' us inside! We woulda been arrested fer tryna get inta the castle!"
"But you didn't have to drink a giant vat of alcohol!"
"I thought I could!"

Roseluck, Derpy, and Starswirl watched as the two stallions yelled at each other. They decided to let the two burn off some steam, and they left the room. Starswirl suggested they pay Celestia a visit. She had been so stressed and busy lately, still only a very young mare by Alicorn standards. The old wizard told them that she would appreciate the visit.

As they made their way to the throne room, the mares talked about the stallions, Starswirl being careful not to overhear any gritty details.

"So you and Time Turner got to second base, huh?"
"Yeah... you're not mad... are you?"
"Of course not! I'm happy for you! The two of you deserve each other."
"But we did it while... while Porter was dying. We didn't know!"
"Derpy, it's fine. Honestly. Porter's alive and well. You don't have to keep worrying about that."
"He's not taking it very well..."
"Who? Porter? I'm sure Carns and the Doctor just have a few things to discuss."
"Well... if you say so."

They had just finished their conversation when Starswirl thrust open the doors to the throne room. There was a very large round table, with many chairs scooted in around it. Alone, looking exhausted and very stressed, was Celestia.

She was taller. Not quite the tall, slender ruler they knew in the future, but she was getting there. Her mane was still pink, but it sparkled and billowed in an unseen wind. She looked up, and smiled broadly at Starswirl.

"Hello, Starswirl. I was just about to get up and leave. Who is..." The Princess trailed off as her face glowed with recognition.

"Rose...? Derpy...? How... but..."
"You didn't believe us when we said we were time travelers?"
"Well... no, but that was because it was so ridiculous. Nopony believed us when we tried telling others..."
"But Princess," Starswirl the Bearded interjected, "that doesn't matter. What matters is that we helped them. And now they experience one hundred years as but a day. Soon they will return to their time. And doesn't that fill you with some degree of hope? There is a future, and they come from it. We can win this war, Celestia. Just believe in our strange little friends here."
Roseluck and Derpy beamed warmly at the Princess.

"I wish they could help... We'll be needing..."

Time Turner stood across from Carnegie Porter.

They were both panting heavily. The two stallions had gone a full half an hour just yelling at each other. They continued to shoot glares and dirty looks to and fro, but both had exhausted themselves.

Carnegie had obtained a new bottle of beer during their bickering. He sipped it casually.

"Why don't you ever stop drinking?" Time Turner sneered, his voice hoarse.
"Why dontcha shove it?"
"It was a simple question."
"I'm drinkin' 'cause I saw somethin' when I was out cold. Somethin' good... but then somethin' bad... like a... like a vision!"
"A vision."
"Yeah! An' it was 'orrible. Bloody awful. Wretched. Disgustin'-"
"I get it. Drama queen."

Carbegie finished his beer, and studied the bottle in his hoof. He suddenly had a very depressed look on his face, which shocked the anger out of Time Turner. He watched as the drunk fell with a thud onto his haunches, sitting pitifully. Time Turner walked over and sat carefully beside him.

"Well. What was it that you saw, Porter?"
Porter was quiet for several minutes.
"I 'ad a future. A wife. Foals. A 'ouse. My brewery was doin' amazin'."
"That doesn't sound so bad."
"Wait, lemme finish. Then it vanished. Burned away. Somepony else came, saved me, told me it was that Sombra bloke."
"Who was it? That saved you?"
"I dunno. All I remember is a lil' T-shape with a loop on topa it."
"An... an ankh?"
"Yeah."
"And this pony told you it was Sombra who attacked you in your... vision?"
"Aye."
Carnegie Porter looked up as Time Turner stood, looking towards the door.

"What is it, Doc?"
"Let's get the girls. We're ready for the next century leap."

Roseluck, Porter, and Derpy had strapped into the time machine and were patiently waiting for Time Turner, who was outside talking to the Princess and the Royal Wizard.

"Do you have to leave so soon? You would be of great help to the war effort..."
"I'm sorry Princess. But we will return in one hundred years. Count on it. And Starswirl, keep a lookout for when we get back."
"Oh I dunno if I'll be alive for that long, Doctor."
"Don't worry about that. When you finally pass, you will have been the oldest pony in history. Just keep a lookout."
"Will do."
"And Princess."

The Princess looked eager for a moment. Time Turner knew that she was hoping they'd stay for a bit more, to help.

"When we return, we will have a way to defeat Sombra."
Celestia looked disappointed for a minute. Time Turner couldn't help but to feel sorry for her. He turned away, and clambered into the TROTIS.
With a final wave, he sealed the chamber door and trotted over to the dashboard.

"Where to next, Doc?"
"The End of The War, Porter. The End of The War."

And he slammed a hoof down on the activation button.

Chapter XV: Sombra Rex

“The past is never dead. It's not even past.”
― William Faulkner, Requiem for a Nun

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Lots of rumbling and shaking later, the time machine came to a rest.

Time Turner had fallen down and he was lying on his back staring at the ceiling of the chamber. To his left was the blaring, whistling dashboard. The TROTIS was already setting itself to recharge. To his right, Derpy and the others sat quietly. The noise from the control console died down, and they all sat in silence, listening for anything outside. It was absolutely silent.

Time Turner dragged himself up onto his hooves. He gazed at the door. Was it usually like this? So quiet? Time Turner heard unbuckling as the other left their seats and trotted up, taking their positions at his sides. Time Turner opened the seal to the door, and it slid open with a hiss. A blast of cold, cruel wind blasted through the door, chilling the friends to the bone. But this wasn't just any winter breeze, like they had experienced one hundred years ago in Canterlot.

This was an evil wind. It reeked of sadness and pain. In the distance, a dark city shadowed the thick snow that the TROTIS had landed in.

Time Turner let out a gasp.

Before, the TROTIS had usually been very helpful in where it materialized. But now they weren't anywhere near Canterlot. They were just outside the Crystal Empire, the nation Equestria was still at war with.

They were just outside King Sombra's door.

Carnegie had picked up a cloth satchel from somewhere inside the machine. He threw in a towel with '42' stitched onto the side. He also grabbed several small kegs of brandy and a large bottle containing rum, then threw a few bags of chips and cakes into the satchel.

"What are you doing?" The Doctor asked in bewilderment.
"Well," Carnegie replied, organizing the contents of his satchel, "I'm not gonna jus' sit 'ere waitin' fer Sombra ta come an' kill us. 'Cause tha's his place, righ' Doc?"
"Yes... but we can't just go barging in there! This isn't a frat party, Porter!"
"I know it's not a bloody frat party, Doc. An' we're bargin' in 'cause he won' be expectin' it. See?"

And with that, the crazy stallion leapt from the door and into the thick snow below. It reached up to his knees. Carnegie looked up at the others.

"Well, ya comin'? Or are ya gonna wai' fer Sombra ta come an' make a meal o' us?"
They quickly followed suit, until Time Turner looked to the TROTIS as the machine resealed itself.
"What about the time machine...?"
"Don' worry 'bout it, Doc. Sombra's not gonna care 'bout a carriage."

As they approached the crystal city, Roseluck began to ask questions.

"So what do we do when we get there?"
"We find a way ta call Starswirl o' the Princess. They'll come an' save us an' the machine. Simple, love."
"But Porter, how do you know that we'll find a way to contact them?"
"I don', love."

They trudged on through thick snow and powerful winds. When their hooves finally touched the dark crystal streets, they felt a little bit warmer, but the air of the city quickly chilled them once more. They felt a sudden wave of hopelessness and oppression. Around them, mindless Crystal ponies in shackles pushed carts of gems and gold. The Crystal ponies completely ignored the intruders.

Occasionally, the four would see a flying smoky cloud of shadows billow past. They always hid when the shadows passed. Within the smoke, they could vaguely make out the shape of a shadow pony, an umbrum. Minions of Sombra.

Carnegie would occasionally pause by a Crystal pony slave who had passed out. He would pull out a small keg of brandy, and let the pony drink before recapping and moving along. Time Turner never thought he'd see the day when Porter's special talents with alcohol and drinking would come into a rather heroic use. The brandy seemed to revitalize the slaves. A few would leap back up, a sudden fire in their eyes. The alcohol seemed to break them from whatever hypnotic spell held them. They would run away into the snow, escaping from the terrors of Sombra.

Roseluck was looking at Carnegie in amazement.

"How did you know that brandy would do that?"
"I didn', love. Brandy's jus' fer warmin' up and relievin' exhaustion. I didn' know it cured hypnosis."
The four saved as many of the Crystal ponies as they could. But Carnegie had only brought about a dozen tiny kegs of brandy. They eventually ran out, and had to leave behind the ones that were still enslaved. Time Turner guessed they had released about forty of the slaves. Not enough, but it was something.

The party eventually reached the bottom of the central tower. The wind whistled through the empty arches. In the exact center of the tower's base was a spike of blue crystal jutting down from the ceiling. Directly below it, a much smaller spike reaching up. Time Turner guessed that something was supposed to go into that empty space. He didn't voice his thoughts, though. The four were silent, fearing that they would attract the attention of the wicked King or the other umbrums.

Quietly, they tip-hooved their way up the staircase leading up into the actual tower. If there was a way to contact Canterlot anywhere in the Crystal Kingdom, it was going to be here.

Their hoofsteps clopped noisily against the cold crystal floor. They tried to be quieter, but there was nothing they could do besides pray to Celestia that Sombra was hard of hearing. They were halfway up the tower when Carnegie Porter finally realized how stupid his plan was.

They were most certainly going to die.

A cracked door with a dim blue light glowing from beneath it attracted their attention. Porter had peeked in, then excitedly whispered that they may have found their ticket to escape.

Inside the room was a large oblong mirror, casting the blue light across the room. Time Turner immediately recognized it from history books.

"Porter! That's the Mirror of Narcissus!"
"Ya, I went ta school, Doc. I know wha' it is."
"Then you know we can't look into it! It's cursed!"
"Nah, gov. Ya see, I paid attention in class tha' day. Sombra enchanted tha mirror ta use fer spyin'. Anywhere he wanted, he could see. An' if he wanted, they could see 'im, too."
"Did you know this would be here?"

Carnegie shrugged.
"Nnnope!"

They gathered around the mirror. Time Turner nervously straightened his tie and let Carnegie step forward. The cockney pony cleared his throat then gave a deep impersonation of some royal stallion.

"Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?"

The others looked to Porter incredulously. Now was the time he had decided to goof off?
Sniggering he continued:
"Nah nah nah, I was jus' messin' wit' me mates here. Jus' show me Celestia. Or Starswirl. Or both. Preferably Starswirl. An' let 'em see us too while yer at it. Chop chop!"

The mirror began to glow and a deep bass hum reverberated across the chamber. The mirror cleared itself, revealing a white Alicorn, a dark blue Alicorn, and an elderly unicorn. Celestia, a more mature Luna, and Starswirl. The three looked up in shock, staring at what must've been an odd sight.

"Oye! Fellas! It's us," Carnegie hissed, "we materialized outside the Crystal Kingdom! We're trapped here! Couldja get us outta this mess?"
"Porter!" The wizard exclaimed, "Where is the Doctor?!"
"Right here," Time Turner whispered, coming into view, "please Starswirl, Princesses. Hurry. He'll find us soon."
"Alright, don't worry. Hang in there, we're on our way."
With that, the mirror cut out, completely going dark.

The four shook in fear as they heard a cackling laugh. Sombra.

The umbrum king flew down in a cloud of smoke, setting hooves onto the chilly crystal floor. He spoke with a deep hissing voice that sounded like hundreds of snakes speaking in unison.

"Thank you, my little pony. You've helped me greatly. Now I can wait as the Princesses come directly to me, to save you. The old wizard is merely a bonus."
Sombra gestured to more billowing clouds behind him.
"Take them away. Make sure they get comfortable in the dungeons."
The King towered over them.
"And one more thing."

Sombra's horn began to glow purple and green as he cast a spell.

The four fell unconscious. He had put them to sleep.

Chapter XVI: Four Dreams

“Time doesn't take away from friendship, nor does separation.”
― Tennessee Williams, Memoirs

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Roseluck was running for her life.

She didn't know who or what from, or where she was going, or even how she got into this mess in the first place. All she knew was she didn't want the noisy thing taking chase to catch her. It would do awful things to her. It would hurt her. She could tell by the filthy sounds it made.

She continued to gallop, rounding corners roughly. Her hooves clambered noisily on the pavement. She was in Ponyville. At night. What should have been a comforting and calming sight was only eliciting more panic. Whatever was chasing her was gaining on her.

Rose was feeling short of breath. She couldn't keep running. She had already been running for Celestia knows how long. Rose was scared. She could hear the monster behind her snarling and growling, letting out cackling laughs.

She didn't dare look behind her.

But then she tripped over a jutting cobblestone, falling to the street painfully. She cried out in terror as the thing swooped down upon her.

It was Carnegie Porter.

But this wasn't the Carnegie she knew and had come to love.

He reeked of alcohol, not the good kind. And certainly not the sweetness of mead or the aroma of whiskey. He smelled awful. The way he stumbled and staggered told her he was drunk. But he wasn't the happy drunk she knew he was. This Carnegie was angry. Angry at her.

"Ya stupid bitch!" He growled, slapping her across the face with his hoof. She let out a cry of pain, and she felt tears well in her eyes. What had she done? Why was Carnegie being so mean and vile? Where was the stallion she loved?

"Lookit me when I'm talkin' to ya!" He bellowed as he delivered a swift kick to her stomach. Rose doubled over in pain. She started to sob, begging for the evil drunk to stop. He merely laughed, and pulled out a jug of piss-smelling alcohol. He took a deep slug and rounded on her again.

"Ya wan' me ta stop eh? Well GET UP THEN!" He roared. Rose couldn't; she was too scared. She lay on her back, covering her bruising face as she sobbed wishing she could die, right here, before he did anything worse. Almost like he could read her mind, the evil Carnegie began to beat her harder and then proceeded to rape her.

She yelped as he kicked her over, she landed on her sore belly, still raw from Carnegie's kicks. She screamed as the drunk began to mount her, smacking the back of her head with her hooves as he did his business, calling her horrible names and making fun of her screams and cries.

Time Turner was lost.

There was nothing at all, the shadows blinded him. And then he saw something, barely able to be made out through the darkness.

He galloped towards the thing, desperate to get some bearing on where and when he was, before he realized with horror that it was Roseluck. She was dead, lying on the ground. The pale yellow mare covered in bruises. Time Turner tried his best not to vomit before turning and running away from the corpse.

Then he stumbled across another body.

It was Carnegie. The stallion, his roommate, was lying on his side, his stomach had been ripped open and he had been disemboweled. This time, Time Turner couldn't help but vomit. The gross taste of bile in his mouth and the rancid smell of rot attacking his nostrils, he continued to run. He saw more bodies as he did so.

The Crystal ponies they had saved. The deer from what seemed like so long ago. Starswirl. The Princesses. All of them dead, murdered by some unseen killer.

Then Time Turner saw them. They were in each others embrace, desperately trying to shield each other from the killer, who was still nowhere to be seen. Time Turner's heart leapt in hope as he realized they were still alive, feebly reaching for him.

It was Derpy and Dinky.

He galloped full speed towards them, falling to his haunches as he held them close. He felt tears streak down his face.

Then Derpy looked to him, and whispered:
"You could have saved us..."
Then they were gone, the light leaving their eyes as they clouded over.

Time Turner let out a scream of horror and pain, his heart dying with them.

Carnegie Porter was burning.

He was literally on fire, the flames licked at his coat as he howled in agony.

The world around him burned as well. A house, his house, burned in the distance. He could hear Rose's screams, and the screams of several foals, from inside the burning house. He knew that was his family. And he couldn't do anything to save them. Porter realized he was crying, his tears evaporating as he went up in flames.

He saw a brewery, his brewery, burning as well. The shack was crumbling around several vats and lit barrels. He heard cries of pain and sadness all around him. He knew this time there would be no tall mystery unicorn coming to save him.

Porter was going to watch as his beautiful world burned.

And it was more painful than the burning he felt spread all over himself.

Derpy Hooves was alone.

She had been left behind. She knew that much.

She had vague memories of Time Turner telling her that he had never loved her. Roseluck saying how sad and pitiful excuse of a pony she was. Carnegie Porter laughing as he told her that they weren't her friends. That they had never been her friends.

Derpy felt tears streak down her cheeks from her walleyes. She blamed her eyes. Nopony loved her because of them. Nopony except for Dinky.

Suddenly Dinky Hooves was there. Standing before her mother, sneering.

"I hate you, Mommy!" She screamed. Derpy's eyes went wide as she stifled a scream.
"Nopony will be my friend because of you! I hate you! Doctor Time Turner hates you! EVERYPONY HATES YOU!"

In the large cell of the dungeon, the four lay asleep.
They writhed and twisted, each in their own nightmare cursed upon them by Sombra. The umbrum king had left them there, to scream and cry at unseen forces until they died in their sleep.

Thanks to the intruders, he would soon have the Princesses and the Wizard at his mercy.

Chapter XVII: Gaping Wounds Are Best Healed With Beer

“A day is a miniature eternity.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The Royal Sisters land within the throne room of the Crystal Tower. They are armored and prepared to engage the evil King Sombra in battle.

Starswirl the Bearded is below, seeking out the missing Time Travelers. They had sent them a distress call from somewhere within the Crystal Empire. The Royal Sisters and the Wizard knew they had to be imprisoned by the wicked King by now, possibly trapped and in peril.

The Sisters approach the empty throne, alert to any traps or possible dangers.

They knew that King Sombra had been expecting the Sisters and the Wizard to come together. What he hadn't been expecting was that they would split up. The Sisters hear a hiss that tells them the umbrum king has found them. He lunges at them, nothing but a cloud of shadows and nightmares. They launch a counterattack, casting spell after spell at the shadowy monster. He continually teleports, avoiding each attack. Luna and Celestia are crying out in frustration and rage.

Meanwhile, Starswirl is raiding the dungeons, casting protective spells around himself and shoot beams of light at the umbrum minions of Sombra. Then the bearded wizard spots them, the four curled on the floor, asleep but crying out in pain. They are being ravaged by some sort of nightmarish curse.

The elderly unicorn blasts open the lock, and uses a levitation spell to carry them from the dungeon. The wizard is tiring. He is casting four levitation spells and is firing off combative magic at attacking umbrums. He won't be able to last much longer. He manages to escape the dungeon, and uses his remaining strength to teleport himself and the other ponies to the time device just outside the Crystal Kingdom.

Starswirl's half of the mission was complete. He could only hope that the Princesses could complete their half of the mission as well. He passes out beside the machine and the four Time Travelers, safely out of the reaches of Sombra and the umbrums.

Back within the Kingdom's Tower, the Princesses are attacking Sombra from two different sides. Luna casts her special brand of night magic, calling upon the constellations to aid her. Summoned Ursa Majors and a giant mass of stars forming a Scorpio were helping the Princess of the Night in dealing as much powerful damage to the Crystal King as possible.

Celestia, meanwhile, is warming the room, weakening Sombra with the unrelenting power of the Sun. Her man has changed color, from a plain vivid pink to shimmering blue, green, and pink. She is striking the evil King with beams of raw sunlight.

Sombra has realized his plans were failing. He was losing.

There was but one way he knew that he could turn this loss into a victory. He begins to cast a special kind of spell. A dark magic that can be compared to that of a suicide bombing. He was going to dematerialize the entire Crystal Kingdom, himself, and everypony in it.

Realizing what he was about to do, the Sisters fly off, desperate to escape and save as many Crystal ponies and possibly save even the baby umbrums, but they had just left the Tower when Sombra let off the spell.

The Crystal Kingdom simply vanished from the icy wasteland.

Not to reappear for thousands of years.

The four woke up in separate rooms.

Roseluck was surprised to find herself in Canterlot. For a moment she was thrilled, then she remembered her dreams. The nightmare. Rose stopped before she could celebrate, and instead began to sob uncontrollably into her pillow.

Time Turner was stunned, eyes still open staring up at the ceiling. This was the very room where he and Derpy and lost their virginity together. He dared to hope that the terror he had witnessed was only a dream.

Carnegie Porter was slugging down the rum. He was crying. Rocking in the middle of his bed, he moaned in relief, pain, and fear as he gulped down the alcohol. It did nothing to soothe his nerves. He just couldn't get the sounds of Rose's screams to leave him be.

Derpy Hooves was in shock. It had all been a dream. A horrible, awful, terrible dream. A nightmare, the worst she'd ever had. Derpy took a moment to wonder how she had gotten to Canterlot, but she didn't care.

She needed to find the Doctor. To make sure he still loved her. She needed to find her friends.
Rose needed to know that Carnegie wasn't the monster she had seen in her dream. She needed to find her friends.
Time Turner needed to know that his friends, no, his family, were okay. He needed to find them.
Carnegie needed Rose, more than ever. He needed to find her. And the Doc. And Derpy.

They all bolted from their rooms, into a hall. They all immediately caught sight of each other. They were in the same hall.

They ran towards each other. Carnegie threw his legs around Rose in glee, she hugged him back just as fiercely. Derpy embraced the Doctor, and they kissed many times before they joined Porter and Rose in a group hug. They sat there, four friends once again, hugging.

Friendship. The sight of it was magical to behold.

They were friends.

Together, they pulled apart, but stayed close as they went together to the Main Hall. A surprised Starswirl met them, glad that they had fully recovered. They knew they hadn't fully recovered. They still had wounds to heal. But Carnegie Porter knew just how to heal them.

With beer.

And lots of it.

They drank merrily, having had the TROTIS brought with them when they had been broken free of Sombra's dungeons, with all of Carnegie's alcohol still inside it. The small party went almost unnoticed. There was a celebration going on, and the next day there was to be a ball. The four friends decided to spend the night here, in this time, so they could join in with the Victory Ball.

That night, Carnegie and Rose snuggled together in a shared bed. The room across from them, Derpy and Time Turner did the same.

"Carnegie?"
"Aye, love?"
"I love you."
"I love ya, too, Rose."

"Doc?"
"Yes, Derpy?"
"Do you love me?"
"I've told you, yes. I do love you."
"I love you, too, Doc."

Morning called for something completely unexpected.

The Princesses had sent them letters, explaining that they would be given bits from the Royal Treasury to purchase formal wear and other necessities for the Victory Ball. Overjoyed that they would be allowed to have a day to relax and shop, the four began their trip into the city. Rose, Carnegie, the Doctor, and Derpy stuck close, the two couples wandering the city of the past together.

And for once, they took the time to enjoy their time travelling experience.

They deserved it.

Chapter XVIII: Out And About

“Scars have the strange power to remind us that our past is real.”
― Cormac McCarthy, All the Pretty Horses

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

The four friends had split up halfway through their gallivant through the Classical Canterlotian shoppes and booths. The two couples had decided that it would be okay for them to split off. Maybe buy some lunch together. Go shopping for their formal attire for the Victory Ball later that evening.

Carnegie Porter and Roseluck were together, a few snowflakes falling around them. Carnegie stuck to Rose's side. His nightmare had woken him up. His dreams were important. Especially his recurring dream of his future. Carnegie knew in his alcohol-fueled heart that he and Rose were meant to be. And also that he would soon finally get recognition for his brewing genius. Or at least Carnegie hoped so. He wasn't much of a genius at anything else.

Rose, however, was still uncomfortable. She was glad to have Carnegie, the real Carnegie, back. But the Nightmare Carnegie, the evil and violent drunk that had invaded her mind, soul, and body lingered in her thoughts. She realized she was afraid of him. Well, not of him, but of what he could become. Carnegie could sense her discomfort. She was tense.

"Rose, love, what's wrong?"
"Nothing! Nothing's wrong."
"Aw, Rose, ya don' havta hide anythin' from me. Tell what's wrong, love. You're uncomfortable."
"Well... have you ever hurt anypony you didn't mean to hurt...?"
"Whaddaya mean by tha'?"
"When... you drink for a bit... what happens when somepony makes you mad...?"
Carnegie was silent.
"Carn...?"

"If yer askin' if I beat ponies, I only beat bad ponies. Like if I was drunk, an' ya were wit' me, an' some bloke comes an' rubs all on ya, the I'd beat tha tar outta him. But jus' outta anypony who pisses me off? Well, ya've seen me when I'm drunk, love. I'm not violen'."
"Okay. I'm sorry. I love you."
"I love ya, too. An' what do ya havta be sorry fer? Ya jus' asked me a question."

From then on, Rose walked a little closer to Carnegie. She was happier, too. More in the spirit of the upcoming Ball.

Derpy was thrilled when Time Turner and her had split from the others to go off on their own. They had entered the shop of a chocolatier, spending a few bits on delicate truffles and treats that would have costed a small fortune in the present. Or if they bought them from angry Pre-Classical Earth pony farmers.

They were sitting in a booth, enjoying their warm snacks. Derpy was peeking outside the window, marveling at the active city. She had never been to Canterlot in the present. And seeing it in the past was close enough.

She like the past. Even though it was the past. Nopony here seemed to care that she had eye problems. Every other pony in this era seemed to have a health defect of some kind. When she had told Time Turner this, he tsked at her.

"Your eyes are beautiful, Derpy. They're unique. And they're NOT a defect. Don't let anypony ever tell you that they are."

After that remark, Derpy leaned into the Doctor's shoulder. They sat like that together for awhile, before they decided to go find Carnegie and Rose.

"I bet you ten bits they're at a pub somewhere," Time Turner muttered.
"Oh Doctor, Carnegie just likes to have fun."
"That doesn't mean he has to be drunk twenty-four-seven."

They reached 'Spigot's Corner", a bar that was nowhere near a corner. In fact, it was in the middle of a busy city block. But it was apparently the only bar in Canterlot at the time, so in they went to find Carnegie Porter and his marefriend.

The bar was filled with ponies. Unicorns, Earth ponies, and even a few Pegasi.

And there, in the middle of a large mass of singing ponies was Carnegie Porter, with Roseluck swinging drunkenly, dancing to his merry song. One would think the drunk's thick accent would inhibit his ability to sing, but it was quite the opposite. His accent became lilting, giving the song a rise and fall, like a ballad or a limerick.

Carnegie noticed the Doctor and began waving a hoof frantically, as if Time Turner would somehow miss the teeming mob. The drunk choir continued singing and chanting, swaying and sloshing their drinks to and fro. Carnegie grabbed Rose by the hoof and clambered over the backs of ponies towards the shocked Derpy and Time Turner.

"Blimey, Doc!" He hollered, waving a hoof bearing rum in Time Turner's direction, "I didn' know ya were one fer pubs!"
"I knew you were, Porter."
The tan Earth pony chuckled. Then a large, buff brown pegasus turned towards them and shouted at Porter.

"Oye! Keep singin' ya Bridlish pig!"
"Oye, I may be from Bridletan, but tha' doesn' mean I'm not Equestrian now. Yer talkin' to a Ponyvillager 'ere."
"Don' care! Keep singin'!"
Sensing a fight, Time Turner wisely grabbed the drunk Roseluck and nodded to Derpy to follow as they went into a safe corner.
"Oh ye?! Whatcha gonna do if I don', mister big an' ugly? I don' wanna sing an' I don' wanna-"
Interrupting Carnegie's speech, the giant pegasus 'Mister Big And Ugly' decked Porter right in the chest, sending the smaller stallion flying. Carnegie sailed across the air, landing with a painful crash into a bar table. Rum still in hoof, Porter lay still. For one moment the Doctor thought he was dead. Then Porter pulled himself up, and popped open the rum with his teeth.
The entire bar was silent and watching as Porter chugged the whole bottle, glaring at the colossal pegasus.
When he finished, Carnegie smashed the end of the bottle's base against a jagged table leg. Now with an improvised weapon, the drunk Earth pony let out a battle cry and launched himself at the pegasus.

The bar exploded into chaos worthy of a cackling draconequus.

Ponies were suddenly punching their friends and shouting as loud as possible. The battle had been going on for a good five minutes before the Royal Guard had burst in, arresting ponies. Carnegie suddenly appeared at Time Turner's side, remarkably unscathed. As they snuck out of the raided bar, Time Turner caught sight of the cuffed pegasus Carnegie had been battling. Big and ugly was right, especially with the slashes and bruises all over his face and wings.

"I can't believe you did that, Porter. Do you have any idea how irresponsible that was?"
"Well," the tan stallion belched, "I know that the bloke was bein' a twat. So I beat the tar outta 'im."
"Yes, but did you need to?"
"Prob'bly not."

The mares had gone into the dress-shops. They were stuck with each other, studying various vests and jackets. So far all they had bought was a monk pork-pie hat that Carnegie had found funny-looking and a top hat for the Doctor. Time Turner insisted he didn't need a tie, since he already wore a tie and collar. Carnegie had selected a black bow-tie. Now they simply needed suits.

The salespony was eagerly trying to shove them into the priciest tuxes she carried. They preferred the simpler designs however, and not the gold-embroidered purple silk. The decisions were hard for Time Turner, but Carnegie simply chose a pinstripe vest with a white undershirt. Carnegie spent the rest of their time huffing and groaning with impatience.

"'Onestly, Doc! Yer worse than me mum when she goes clothes shoppin'."

Time Turner didn't care. He wanted to look his best for Derpy.

Derpy meanwhile, was thinking along similar lines.

Roseluck had chosen a simple red cocktail dress that matched her mane and hid her tail. The hiding of the tail had helped refine the prettier mare's curves and showed off the smoothness of her plot and flanks. The dress suited her perfectly. Feisty, fiery, and flirtatious. Several stallions had stopped what they were doing to gape at Rose after she had left the changing room to show Derpy. The grey pegasus made a mental note to not mention the fact to Carnegie Porter, who would most likely go Viking warrior, like he had at the pub fight.

Derpy was struggling to choose between a cocktail dress like Rose's or a full-on ball gown. One was absolutely stunning, a fluffy white dress studded with small glass trinkets. She knew that was the one.

She had been worried they didn't have enough bits for it, but minutes later they were trotting up to the castle, carrying bulky bags holding the two dresses.

The ball was going to be wonderful.

Chapter XIX: The Victory Ball, or The First Grand Galloping Gala

“Speaking of ways, pet, by the way, there is such a thing as a tesseract.”
― Madeleine L'Engle, A Wrinkle in Time

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The Main Hall of the castle had been decorated. Lavish garlands were strung about the place, from the chandeliers and banisters with elegant golden lanterns filling the long spacious hall with a lush, warm light. Carnegie Porter and Time Turner stood in their fancy outfits. Carnegie was leaning against a table filled with exquisite foods and punches, next to the stairs leading to the sleeping chambers upstairs, twirling his flat-topped pork pie hat in a hoof. The stallions were waiting for their dates, their marefriends, to join them in the celebration.

Upstairs, Rose had pulled on her cocktail dress, and trying to get Derpy to come with her to the Main Hall.

"I can't!" The pegasus wailed. "Time Turner'll just make fun of me!"
"Don't be ridiculous. When has Time Turner ever made fun of you?"
"He'll start when he sees me..."
"Good grief."

Derpy's mane had been done up, Apple Jewel-style, and she wore the white ball gown with elegance. Roseluck, wearing her red cocktail dress, had her own mane done in the same style she always wore it. She was tugging on Derpy's tail while the pegasus remained clasped onto the door frame.

"Alright. Alright. Fine, I'm going downstairs to meet Porter. You can leave Time Turner waiting if you want. But you'll make him upset."

And with that, Rose let go, and stalked down the hall away from the moping pegasus. Derpy sat alone for a while, hearing the joyful chatter of ponies downstairs enjoying the classical music. Derpy wondered if Roseluck was right, that Time Turner really wouldn't make fun of her.

"Sorry, Time. Derpy's still getting ready," Rose informed a disappointed Time Turner, "she's just nervous."
"Ya don' min' if me an' Miss Rose hit tha dance floor, do ya, Doc?"
"Oh no, no... Go right ahead! Don't let me stop you from having fun."
With that, the couple pranced off, both of them cackling with an equal madness as they grabbed not one or two, but an entire platter of cocktails and swung about dancing and drinking loudly. Time Turner shook his head and chuckled. They were perfect for each other.

Rose always acted so refined and yet fun-loving. Carnegie was always chaotic, random, and equally amusing. But Rose was a bit more mature, yes. And she seemed to keep Carnegie out of trouble when they were together. And Carnegie in return showed her how to have a good time. Their relationship reminded Time Turner of the biological occurrence known as symbiosis. Carnegie helped Rose live her life fully and she in return kept him from putting theirs in danger.

As Rose and Carnegie danced, laughing into the night, the Doctor began to see that they performed another dance as a couple. Carnegie was chaotic and unrelenting. But Rose was enough to hold the stallion back, keep him from losing control. As they danced, Time Turner felt like Rose Porter sounded like a delightful name. He heard hoofsteps behind him.

He turned to see Derpy, at the most beautiful that he had ever seen her. Everypony in the ballroom stopped (except for the already drunk Carnegie and Rose) to watch her gracefully (well, as gracefully as a notorious klutz can be) make her way down the stairs. She blushed and her wings -pomf!-ed up when she saw Time Turner's gaping look of amazement. She walked up to him, smiling shyly.

"Hello, Doc."
"Um uh guh duh be-guh."
For once Time Turner's vast intellect had been rendered useless. He honestly was at a loss for words, a feat, considering his impressive vocabulary.
Somepony wolf-whistled behind them. Carnegie.
"Oye! Get tha' filly an' get over 'ere, Doc!"
Porter always knew what to say. And for once, Time Turner followed his orders.

And they danced.

"So I was thinking, Princess, this could be an annual thing! A little get-together, for everypony in the kingdom."
"Annual, Starswirl?"
"Oh yeah. That Time Turner fellow told me a great deal about this... oh what was it called... this 'Grand Galloping Gala' they had in the future. I was thinking, why not do this annually, and call it that?"
"Grand Galloping Gala?"
"Yeah!"
Celestia looked to her sister. Luna nodded.
"We'll think about it, Starswirl. Now go enjoy yourself."

Carnegie Porter loved Roseluck.
Roseluck loved Carnegie Porter.

They had been together for weeks in their travels. What seemed like months. But again, their relationship had been collapsed into a fraction of a second by the relativity laws or whatever that Time Turner constantly told them about. In their drunken state, they declared in delirium to anypony who would stop dancing to listen that they were engaged. Of course, they weren't engaged because Carnegie hadn't even proposed yet. But Time Turner had overheard nonetheless.

He wondered what would happen when they got back home. Say Carnegie and Rose took there relationship past drunk song and skiddily boop and began living together? What would everypony think about a relationship so intimate that would have started, to the residents of Ponyville, nothing but seconds ago? Time Turner worried what they would think about his sudden relationship with Derpy Hooves. What sweet little Dinky Hooves would think. The poor silly little filly still referred to him as 'Mister Doctor Time Turner'. Time Turner's mind was wandering further, as he and Derpy did the quarter-time step. He considered, if he married Derpy, changing his name from Doctor Time Turner to Doctor Hooves. It sounded like a peculiar name, yet a familiar one.

Time Turner was snapped out of his daydream by none other than Porter, the lighter colored stallion swinging about crazily with Roseluck. The duo were nowhere close to matching the rhythm of the song, but they didn't seem to care. Time Turner smirked as he returned his attention to Derpy. The pegasus mare meet his gaze and flushed pink in the cheeks. Time Turner grabbed her hoof in his and they began to swing madly, beside the crazed couple of Carnegie and Rose.

And they danced.

Chapter XX: The Journey Continues

“Fifty years," I hackneyed, "is a long time."
"Not when you're looking back at them," she said. "You wonder how they vanished so quickly.”
― Isaac Asimov, I, Robot

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"Must you go so soon, Master Porter? Doctor? Miss Derpy? Miss Roseluck?"
"I apologize, Starswirl. But we really must return to our own time. The past is not the right place for us, you must understand."
"I do, Doctor. I do. But... Could you...?"
Time Turner stopped packing up their garments and restocked supply of food and drink (notably all alcoholic). He looked to the elderly wizard. Time Turner felt a pang of sadness as he realized this was the last time they would chance upon Starswirl the Bearded. Time Turner noticed that the wizard now wore a hat with several bells dangling from it. Which reminded Time Turner of history lessons. The wizard's legendary battle with Grogar was to come. And then the Princesses would imprison Discord. Then Starswirl would pass away. All before they would reappear into the time-stream.

"Starswirl."
"Yes, Doctor?"
"Beware the name of Grogar," Time Turner worded carefully, "find the Bell."
"What the hay is that supposed to mean?"
"I can't tell you... but I can say that it is a warning. Your history will get quite rough, but what is to come will go down into books and records for ages to come. So... just beware."
"Ah, I see. Thank you, Doctor."
"No problem."
Just as he was about to recommence his task of packing, Starswirl spoke again.

"Doctor."
"Yes, Starswirl?"
"This will be the last time I see you, correct?"
Time Turner felt that pang. He looked to the old stallion in the eye and nodded.
"Ah well. I'm well over a century old. From what you say, I still got a length to go."
"You are known in our time also as the oldest pony to ever live."
Starswirl let out a hooting laugh. Time Turner couldn't help but grin. The wizard was a good friend, and his laughs were infectious.
"Well that's a relief. Thank you, Doctor."
"No problem."
"One final question."
"Yes?"
"What is your doctorate in?"
"I tell everypony that it's in Engineering, but it is really not."
"Oh? What is it in, then?"
"Cheese-making."

Carnegie, as wasted as ever, had given the wizard and the Princesses very tight and uncomfortable hugs (each of whom shared a startled expression as he clambered into the TROTIS). Derpy and Roseluck had merely bowed to the Princesses and wished Starswirl the best of luck. Time Turner bowed as well, but chose to speak to Starswirl one last time.
"Starswirl, remember my warning."
"I will, Doctor."
"Well, I guess this is goodbye."
"Farewell, my friend. I've only seen you twice, but I feel like I've known you all my life."
Then, with a hoofshake and a nod, they parted ways, Starswirl and the Princesses off to the castle, and Time Turner into the TROTIS with the others. They were already strapped in, with Carnegie slugging a giant bottle of gin. The tan Earth pony gave the Doctor a wicked smile and pointed a hoof at the beeping dashboard.

"Get crackin', Doc."

Time Turner pulled the lever, releasing the brakes. He pressed the buttons for the correct coded sequence to jump-start the transdimensional matrix. He flicked a switch, turning on the chameleon circuit, which made sure they didn't instantly turn into raw energy by maintaining them in a matter state. He looked up at the flux capacitor, the three shining lights blinking in rhythm. He smashed the button that pumped fuel into the matrix. And with that, Time Turner knew, they would open a hole into the fabric of reality for a split second, long enough to shoot themselves in before it sealed itself back.

Time Turner smiled as they rocketed into the time vortex, launching forward exactly one hundred years, give or take a few months. He loved science and making such amazing things. But he wasn't very fond of making cheese.

A quake, a crash, a shudder, and much cursing on Carnegie's behalf later, they had successfully landed in 1100 A.B.

"Now, quick history lesson. 1050 A.B, Starswirl the Bearded successfully defeated Grogar and saved Celestia. He died in 1075." Time Turner paused as the mares gasped and Carnegie gaped. "Now, around 1050 A.B. was also when Discord took over Ponyville and the surrounding areas. The Princesses worked together to imprison Discord in stone with the Elements of Harmony. Discord was imprisoned in 1090. Now, we have twenty-four hours before we can make the next century leap. I believe we are somewhere around the Fillydelphia area, from that the radar says. But I trust that piece of junk about as much as I trust Carnegie after a vat of mead."
"Ahahaha! I see whatcha did there, Doc!"
"But, Fillydelphia is a small town right now. It's probably best to approach the town with caution. New towns are often chaotic, mostly just a trade outpost surrounded by pubs and-"
"Oye, there's pubs 'ere?"
"Yes, and no, Carnegie. We are not going to any of them."
"Well split me 'ooves an' call me a donkey. Why not?"
"After what happened in Canterlot, do you think I'm letting you in another bar?"
"Maybe." Carenegie mumbled, but he didn't argue further. With that being said, Carnegie refilled his satchel with various alcohols and another towel (again with the number '42' monogrammed into the fabric). They leapt out, relieved to see that they had landed in the season of spring rather than in the dead of winter. They had landed among the brush at the edge of a crudely paved road, which led in one direction towards a small town. In the other direction was a thick, dark forest. The four wisely decided to stick to their plan and head straight for Fillydelphia.

The town, as they grew nearer and nearer, was very loud, despite the fact that it was nighttime. Ponies could be seen running about in the lantern-light. Trading, drinking, gambling, and fighting was audible from the closing distance between Time Turner and company and the little village of Fillydelphia. The smell of smoke, beer, and something especially foul wafted over the troop. All but Carnegie covered their muzzles. Porter was apparently immune to the stench.

"Oye, whatcha guys coverin' yer schnozzes fer? It doesn' smell tha' bad!" Carnegie said, inhaling a deep whiff of the ripe scent.
"Easy for you to say. From what I understand, you spent several months being homeless. It has the smell of rotten sewage." Time Turner muffled.
"Nah mate, tha's not the smell o' sewage. Tha's the smell o' freedom." Carnegie announced with a grin. He turned and stood on his hindlegs, cupping his mouth with his hooves.

"'QUESTRIA!" He bellowed. Immediately, a roar of drunk, happy voices bellowed back.

"'QUUUUESSSTRIAAAA!!!"

"Hey, Doc. Summin' tells me this'll be my kinda place."
Time Turner simply replied with a groan.

Chapter XXI: The Illumarenati

“Every Single Number on the Clock knows all my Secrets.”
― Mian Adeel Mushtaq

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Fillydelphia was Porter's kind of place.

Happy ponies everywhere!

Beer flowing freely from taps!

Brewers and traders sharing alcoholic tales even he, the Master Time-Brewer (a snappy title he bestowed upon himself), had never heard of. Already, within minutes of entering the fray that called itself Fillydelphia, Carnegie Porter had mentally amassed well over 50 recipes for new beverages and cocktails, and he now had years' worth of pub-jokes to tell. Carnegie Porter felt that if there was a heaven, he was there.

Meanwhile, his friends floundered in the community he instantly loved. Roseluck had stepped into a loo, only to discover that an elderly stallion was living in the pisshole of one of the many outhouses. Derpy and the Doctor stayed close, but three times within nine minutes, Time Turner had been challenged to a fight to the death. Each time something tragic and outrageously gorey would happen to the perpetrator. Eventually Derpy learned to just keep her eyes buried in her coltfriend's mane. She whimpered, waiting for the moment where Time Turner would swoop to the rescue. She'd even settle for Porter swooping in. Or Roseluck. Or anypony at this point.

The town was utter chaos. Well, not to Carnegie Porter, who could handle chaos with grace and ease. But it wasn't chaotic in a bad way. In the chaos, one could see order. Hordes of half-dead drunks slouching their ways home, hordes of working out of work on the way to the pubs and bars, lines forming for seats at said establishments.

Suddenly, Time Turner realized something. The mad cackling of Carnegie Porter had gone silent.

"Doctor! Where did Porter go?!" Rose asked with wide eyes. Derpy clung to Time Turner, equally fearful. Time Turner got up on his hind legs, peering over the crowds. The shaggy black mane was nowhere to be seen. Carnegie Porter as gone. Time Turner got back on all hooves and beckoned to the girls. He was probably shacked up in a pub somewhere, despite the Doctor's insistence that he stay away from them.

"So what can I help ya gents with?"

"Do not concern yourself with our desires. Simply follow." The hooded pony in thick brown robes commanded Carnegie. Carnegie was being led on both sides by robed ponies, their faces covered. Two led him down the dark alleyway. And four more were directly to his sides and behind him. Any sensible pony would know that they were surrounding him. But Carnegie was not a sensible pony.

"So what's wit' yer outfits, eh? What's tha' symbol mean? The triangle wit' tha eye in it. I swear I've seen tha' before..."

"No more questions, Traveler. Silence."

"Well blimey. Don' havta be so rude about it." Carnegie mumbled at the hooded ponies. They continued to march silently, the chaotic chatter and hollering from the Fillydelphia square echoing through the dark. When they reached the end of the alley, Carnegie scoffed.

"Alrigh'. I guess we're gonna walk through tha' wall?"
They did not reply. Carnegie didn't expect them to. He watched with mild amusement as the leader started knocking on the brick wall.
"Yeah, mate. Tha's called a wall. Now why dontcha jus' tell me why ya-"
He was cut off as a hole in the ground before the brick wall suddenly opened with a hushed rumble. Carnegie blinked in surprise at the gaping entrance. The ponies behind him started to push him into the hole.

"Oye! Bloody 'ell do ya think yer doin'?! Lemme go! Geroffome!" He landed with a thud into the spacious torchlit tunnels. Before Carnegie could try and escape, all six of the robed ponies leapt in after him, surrounding him once more. He looked up helplessly as the hole sealed once again.

"Porter! Porter, where are you?!"
"Carnegie! Quit messing around!"
"Carns!? Carns, please stop being so silly!"

The three couldn't find him. Time Turner had looked through every pub in the village, Derpy had flown back to the TROTIS to check and see if he was there. Roseluck was in tears. Time Turner didn't fear for his friend's safety. Carnegie could put up a fight and had proven countless times that he was capable of surviving far worse than a town full of rebellious drunks. In fact, Porter himself was a rebellious drunk.

They were just about to give up when Time Turner noticed something peculiar about the town's sign.

It read 'Welcome to Fillydelpha - Population 43~~7~~8'. Directly below it was a carving. A large triangle, with a half closed eye within it. The eye looked up to the sky. Time Turner felt a sudden chill as he looked at it. He had never before seen that carving, but he felt like he should know what the symbol meant.

Or what it belonged to.

The giant dome-shaped room was filled with benches. Behind Carnegie was the large doorway he had entered through moments before. Before him, over the rows of high benches was the triangle-eye symbol that he had seen on the mystery ponies' robes. There were about a hundred ponies in said robes. Most wore brown, a few wore black. And one pony wore red robes.

The red robed pony had it's robes cut back, revealing slender hind legs and a long elegant tail. Carnegie could tell that this was a mare. Her hips and legs were built like a female. Her cutie mark shone against her light blue coat, a golden triangle, with the same upturned eye in the center.

"Where am I?" Carnegie mumbled aloud.
"You are safe, Time Traveler." The red robed leader boomed, after everypony had sat down.
"Wai'... how did ya know Ima time traveler?"
At that moment, everypony besides the red-robed mare and Carnegie laughed. It was a thunderous, booming sound. For a moment, Carnegie was struck by the sheer size of the mass surrounding him.

"You have left quite the trail, Time Traveler. There are records of you all across time. We have compiled them all, and the stories of your three allies. You are the riders of the blue carriage. You are the lords of Equestrian history. The lords of time itself."
"Huh. An' who are you then?"
"We are the Order of Illumarenati. We have existed since before Celestia, but only with the death of Starswirl could we finally come to full power."
"Full power? Whaddaya mean by tha'?"
"We at the Illumarenati have influence in the Royal Guard, the Engineer's Guild, the Zebrica monarchy, and in towns all across Equestria. We are everywhere. We control nearly everything."
"An' 'ow come tha Princesses don' know 'bout... all this? 'Ow come I've never 'eard of it?"
"We have our ways."
"Okay. Fair 'nough. So why do ya need me?"
"Oh we don't need you, Traveler.

"We need your time machine."

Author's Note

Plot twist: THE ILLUMARENATI IS THE REAL ANTAGONIST!!

Chapter XXII: The Ballad of Carnegie Porter

“Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.”
― Carl Sagan

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Carnegie Porter was born in Great Bridleton to Jonny Deep and Ocean Deep, an acting couple well known in many popular Bridlish and Equestrian action and romance films.

He was well off for a young colt, although severely neglected. He was raised by a butler, Alfalfred. Beyond that butler and a few servants, Carnegie had no friends. He was lonely. His parents were always away getting drunk, going to parties, and working in films. They didn't have time for foals.

As Carnegie grew up, he began to realize things. Small things. He was an Earth pony, but his mother and father were unicorns. He learned from a few tabloids that his mother was not exactly the most faithful wife. His father, Jonny Deep, was probably not even his real father. Jonny had named his colt after his favorite alcoholic beverage, a sign that his father did indeed know that he was a bastard.

Eventually, Jonny managed to get Ocean pregnant this time, confirmed his. A baby filly unicorn was born, Angel Dust. She was a beautiful foal, pale like her mother, with her father's blue hair. Carnegie loved his baby sister, more than anything. She was a new friend.

But the filly was a sickly one. Late into the night she would cry and cough, the air rattling through her underdeveloped lungs. Carnegie took care of her as well as a colt could. He would give her medicines and soups. At night, when she couldn't sleep, Carnegie would sing her lullabies and melodies. She was quick to learn how to talk. And Angel and "Carney" became the closest siblings that siblings could be. They ate together, played together, sang together. Angel would always tire out before Carnegie did, but he would carry her about on his back, using his Earth pony strength to help her in almost any task.

Her condition worsened. She couldn't sleep. She began coughing up blood, refusing to eat or drink for fear she would vomit. Their mother and father ignored their pleas for their assistance, and at night she cried and called out to her big brother.

"Cawney, it huwts... Pwease Cawney... Make it go away..."
"I'm sorry, Angel... I wish I could... I really do..."

That night, she passed away. Carnegie cried at her bedside until dawn. Then they came to take her body away, and once more in his life, Carnegie Porter was alone. He blamed his parents, and struggled to let the outside world know that it was them who killed his sister.

Of course, the Deeps couldn't have any of that. They had careers.

So they introduced little Carnegie Porter to alcohol. He was wary at first, but quickly grew addicted. He became regular drunk. As long as they provided him with alcohol, he wouldn't even be able to form coherent sentences. The colt was learning to brew as well, and Carnegie, who was expected by many to get a cutie mark in music and singing, got his mark after his first successful brew.

And that day, instead of laughing and partying like any other foal getting their mark, Carnegie Porter did the last thing anypony expected him to do.

He cried.

"Porter?"
"Porter!"
"Carnegie!"
"CARNS?!"

Roseluck was getting nervous. Carnegie had been gone for a full twelve hours. She was worried for him. Yes, he was big, strong, and could definitely take care of himself well-enough. But without her, he was more likely to destroy things. The more she thought about it, the more she felt insecure. Carnegie was in trouble, she knew it.

Rose blinked tears from her eyes as she anxiously paced the TROTIS. Every now and then, she would put her head outside, tearfully calling for her lover to return. Time Turner had driven the blue machine into Fillydelphia, and parked it in front of the town's sign, the large on in the Square with the odd triangle symbol etched under the lettering.

The Doctor had spent a good five minutes studying the carving. He had told her that he had seen that symbol before somewhere. Rose had grouchily replied that unless he had seen it on a map telling her where in Equestria her beloved nincompoop was, she could care less. Derpy continually flew out and surveyed the town. Rose was boundlessly grateful to her new best friend, the pegasus at least showed more concern for Carnegie's safety than the Doctor did.

She ducked her head back outside. The rush hour seemed to have halted, less ponies wandering the streets. Rose noticed a small group of about four or five robed figures. They all bore the same triangle design on their robes, their entire bodies covered. She felt like they were watching the TROTIS. She shuddered and ducked back inside.

Unknown to her, the hooded ponies approached the TROTIS slowly.

After Angel Dust died, the Deeps and their single foal moved to Equestria, upon invitation of Princess Celestia.

They had moved into a spacious manor in the center of Canterlot, right beside the castle. In his admittance to Equestrian citizenship, he had gotten to see the Princess. Alicorns did not exist in Great Bridleton. The monarchy there was entirely unicorn. When the little colt had seen her, he was in awe. She was tall, elegant. Beautiful.

When her eyes met his, they grazed past his cutie mark. And he saw pity in her eyes.

He wondered why she was feeling sorry for him, then he remembered. His cutie mark was a mug of beer. And he was only a colt. It didn't take a genius to know what that had to mean.

Derpy was horrified as she watched from high above as the group of hooded ponies attacked the TROTIS, dragging away the carriage, Rose, and the Doctor. Nopony else was witnessing it. Nopony else could save them.

And Derpy was terrified.

She followed them stealthily on unsteady wings, trying to stay in the cover of the clouds. The group shoved the TROTIS and the bound duo down a dark alleyway. Derpy landed softly on the rooftop, and followed them as silently as possible for a notorious klutz. Thankfully, Time Turner and Roseluck were making such a ruckus that they muffled any falls or stumbles Derpy made. When the hooded ponies shoved Time Turner and Roseluck down a hole, Derpy plopped down onto the filthy pavement just as the hole sealed itself off.

The TROTIS, the Doctor, and Roseluck were gone.

Carnegie grew into a strong, healthy stallion. He had frequented the bars and pubs around Canterlot for some time, and getting into fights had helped him build up an infamous reputation. "The Cockney Colt", as he was called, had a rather enjoyable few years in Canterlot.

Until he grew up, and the Deeps were no longer required to support him. They kicked him out of their manor, and he was tossed to the streets.

After a tearful farewell with the only pony he ever knew as family, Alfalfred, Carnegie left Canterlot. He had heard about a town called Ponyville. A small, quiet town with cheap housing.

As Carnegie left the city of Canterlot, it began to rain, heavily.

He had turned to look upon Canterlot one last time. From the highest tower of the castle, he saw a white figure watching him. Celestia. He felt the same gaze of pity she had given him all those years ago. Then and there, Carnegie Porter decided he would never be pitied again. Never.

Chapter XXIII: Vivat Magnos

“Study the past if you would define the future.”
― Confucius

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

"So why tha bloody 'ell so ya want tha time machine fer? No way ya could learn ta drive it. Only the Doc can do tha'."

"No fear, Bridlish one. We have our ways."

"Yeah but what couldja want with a blue carriage? Cause that's 'bout all it is to ya."

"Traveler, think. If we control time itself, we control everything. EVERYTHING."

The hungry way that the red hooded mare had said that set off alarms all over Carnegie's tiny brain. The little secret society he had stumbled upon suddenly seemed a lot less harmless. This was a collection of the greediest, most power-hungry ponies in all of Equestria. Or in all of the world. Carnegie was about to draw up a brilliant plan of escape, which involved a bottle of gin and a really big moshpit, when he heard commotion coming from the door behind him. He turned just in time to see Time Turner, Roseluck, and the TROTIS come into view.

"CARNS!"
"ROSE!"

The couple reunited in a powerful embrace, and after a long kiss, Carnegie looked back and counted. One time machine. One pony. Two ponies. There was Time Turner and then there was Roseluck. The gears in his head whirred away as he realized that Derpy was missing. He looked to Time Turner quizzically, cocking his head. The Doctor met his gaze, and looked back in confusion. Carnegie gestured towards the TROTIS. Time Turner's face morphed into one of shock. He looked straight at Carnegie and Carnegie mouthed, where's Derpy?

Time Turner gazed about in alarm, looking for the missing pegasus. She was nowhere to be found. The red robed mare addressed Time Turner directly.

"Welcome. We are the Order of Illumarenati. You are now our prisoner, Time Travelers."
"Aw Celestia, Porter, what did you tell them?"
"Nothin'! I swear! They already know abou-"
"Silence!" The leader hissed before turning towards the Doctor. "You. You are the pilot of the blue machine, correct?"
"Umm... maybe?" He answered warily.
"Whatsittoya!" Carnegie spat, immediately a guard came along and clobbered Carnegie over the head with a club. The tan stallion hit the ground hard. Roseluck let out a shriek of rage and launched herself at the heavy-set unicorn guard. Second later, she too fell to the dirt, unconscious.

"Let's try that again. You are the pilot, am I or am I not correct."
"You are... incorrect."
"What."
"You heard me, I'm not the pilot."
"The drunk one says you are."
"Yeah, well, he's drunk, isn't he."

The red robed mare seemed to fight with herself for a moment. She turned her covered face, looking to every member of the vast congregation. Time Turner didn't have to be a genius to see she was making a fool of herself.

"Well, then. If you aren't the pilot, then it is also probable that the drunk is not the pilot. Could it be the red-maned mare?"
"Nnnope!"
"Then it must be the pegasus!"

The leader looked about excitedly. Then she realized something horrible.

"WHERE IS THE PEGASUS?!"

Derpy hovered before the Fillydelphia sign. She was intently studying the symbol on it. She had seen that symbol before, not only on the hooded ponies' robes, but in the future. Her raving uncle, Crazy Hooves, was obsessed with the symbol.

"Derpy, do you know what this here symbol means?"
"No, Unky Cwazy."
"Then, listen, my child. Your life may depend on it."
"Otay."
"This is the symbol of the Illumarenati. They are the most evil, most vile, most fearsome secret society to ever plague Equestria."
"What's a secwet society, Unky?"
"A secret society is a group of very bad ponies, who try their best to completely control the world. They are not to be trusted, and since you never know who is in a secret society, you never know who you can really trust. YOU could be in the Illumarenati, for all I know."
"Unky that's silly!"

Derpy had never guessed that her uncle the loopy conspiracy theorist could have been right all along. There was an evil secret society called the Illumarenati. And they had just kidnapped the TROTIS and the Doctor. She had to find a way into the Illumarenati base. Derpy scruncher her face in concentration as she recalled everything Uncle Crazy Hooves had told her about the Illumarenati.

"Now they are said to have started in Fillydelphia, keeping a giant underground cavern to use as their headquarters."

Well, she knew they were in Fillydelphia. And she had just seen them shove her friends into a magic hole leading underground. So she would very likely have to find a way to get there.

"Every FIllydelphian member of the Illumarenati had a secret tunnel to the caverns, where they would go to discuss future plots and evil schemes of world domination. Now, nopony alive knows who was in the Fillydelphian Illumarenati. But we do know that the occasional member would usually let slip of his secret activities in the many bars of the town."

She could go to a bar and wait for an Illumarenati member to get drunk! Then she would be able to sneak into the member's house and shimmy down the tunnel to save her friends and get to the TROTIS!

In an excited rush, she flew into the nearest bar, blasting through the door. Few ponies inside the musky shack took notice of her. She calmly slunk over to a corner, sitting herself in a small booth. A unicorn mare immediately trotted over, checking out the wall-eyed pegasus.

"What can I getcha, hon?"
"Oh um... a water will do fine for now. I'm just waiting for somepony."

The waitress stalked away, grumbling about cheapskates and not needing bits. Derpy ignored her and returned to scanning the bar's various patrons.
"You never know who you can really trust..."
Derpy started to get angsty. There were so many ponies! Any of them could be in the Illumarenati! The rickety old mare sitting at the bar. The group of thickset Earth pony goons whispering in the corner. The grouchy waitress, who returned with a sloshing glass of water. Derpy was just about to feel herself losing hope when luck struck.

"No lemme tell you sommin about meself," a drunk stallion slurred, "I am one of the members *burp* of the Illumarenati!"
"Oh shuddup, Sand Castle. Drink your mead."
"No no no no no! I'm serious! I ain't lyin'! I am a member of the Illumarenati."
"Sandy, the Illumarenati is just an old mare's tale. No offense, Ol' Betty."
The elderly mare at the bar saluted.
"Bu-bu-but..."
"Okay, Sandy. Maybe you've had enough to drink. Let's get you home."
A blue pegasus got up to help the wasted yellow unicorn out of his seat. Together, they stumbled out the bar door and out into the street. Derpy followed casually, pretending to be off to her own home. She took to the skies, and entered the clouds to watch the stallions stumbke down the street towards the shoddily built houses not too far from the town square.

They walked up into a small brown house, one that looked bland. Derpy swooped down from the sky and carefully landed on the roof. The roof and walls were so thin she could hear every word the stallions said.

"Thanks, Stormy. *hic* Means a lot."
"No problem, Sandy, that's what friends are for. And also, you might want to hush up on the Illumarenati nonsense. Some crackpot might actually take you seriously."
"Oh crap, I'm so sorry, Stormchaser! Please don't tell High Priestess what I said!"
"Don't worry," the sober stallion said, comforting the drunk, "I promise I won't."
Suddenly they went quiet. Derpy's heart stopped. Had they heard her? She heard a smacking sound. Lips. She dared to stick her head down, peering over the edge of the roof and into the window.

THE STALLIONS WERE KISSING.

She bolted back upright, blushing furiously. Out of all of the Illumarenati houses she could have found, she found the one with the gay couple in it. The next few words made Derpy's blood run cold.

"How about we take this to the bedroom, Stormsy?"
"Sure thing, babe."

She swooped down through the open window as they trotted into a separate room. The door closed and Derpy immediately heard slapping sounds and moans. She blushed furiously. Her mind was saying no, but her body was saying YES. At the fireplace, she noticed a lever. After pulling it, a hole silently opened up in the floor. The gay lovers in the next room started to howl in pleasure.

Before her cheeks started to spontaneously combust, Derpy leapt down the hole. It sealed behind her, leaving her in pitch-black darkness and blessed silence.

Chapter XXIV: Her Majesty Queen Derpy I

“Learn from the past, but don’t live in the past.”
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Time Turner shook his head in exasperation.

Carnegie Porter was the only pony he knew who would play poker with his captors. The three ponies sat together in a large cage. They were surrounded by guards, most of whom were somber and silent. Two, however, sat with Carnegie, letting the Earth pony reach through the bars to toss in poker chips and look at his dealt cards.

Occasionally, Carnegie would bark at one of the two to grab more alcohol from his satchel. They were drinking heavily; cackling madly as they played their card game. Many times Time Turner considered joining them, but his worry for Derpy was a little more intense than his simple considerations to join in on the small party at the edge of the cage. Roseluck lay asleep. After spending so many long hours panicking over where Porter was, she was finally able to get some shut-eye.

The Illumarenati had confiscated the time machine, and had it hidden somewhere in their cavernous tunnels.Time Turner did not know what they were doing with it, but he assumed it was nothing good. Carnegie had told him about their plans through world domination, using the time machine to alter history and destroy the future.

They were doomed.

Time Turner had spent about an hour thinking up various escape plans. Many of them could barely even begin to be enacted. The cage was surrounded, the guards watching them intently. They had distracted the most chaotic and destructive of them with a simple card game and liquor. The Illumarenati had them trapped. And in a few moment's time, they would be slinging Derpy into the cage with them.

The Doctor shuddered as he thought about what would happen after that. He suddenly had flashbacks, images from Sombra's nightmare struck his brain like bolts of lightning. He saw Carnegie dead, Rose dead, Derpy dead. Everypony dead. If they couldn't get back to the TROTIS, they were all going to die, and the Equestria he knew in the future would be destroyed.

"Ahahahaa! Lookit 'ere, royal flush! Read 'em an' weep, gentlecolts." Time Turner heard Carnegie's thunderous laughter and the clicking of poker chips.

They were doomed.

Derpy shimmied her way down the narrow tunnel.

Every so often she would pause in terror, waiting for a voice in the distance to approach her. The voices would never approach, but she was on pins and needles anyways. She could see a dim lantern light at the end of the tunnel. Whatever was down there was surrounded by several milling ponies. Chatter echoed down the hall, showering over Derpy. The words were too jumbled and shaken to make any sort of sense out of them.

As she approached, she heard their voices clear up.
And she did not like what she heard.

"So what do we do when we find the pegasus? Kill her? Put in the cage with the other three?"
Other three. That must be Carnegie, Doc, and Rose. Derpy breathed a sigh of relief. They were alive.
"I dunno. I guess we just have to find her. The brown Earth pony told High Priestess that she was the pilot. We probably need her alive to teach us how to drive the stupid carriage."
"You think they're really time travelers?"
"Hell naw. High Priestess is just kooky. Don't tell her I said that, though."

Derpy was right at the doorway to the lit room. A pair of hooded ponies began to walk out of the room through one of two wooden doors, still chattering. Derpy slunk into the now empty room and opened the other wooden door. It was a storage closet. Derpy groaned but caught herself midway. There were cloaks and hoods hung from hooks all over the closet.

Seconds later, Derpy was wandering about the maze of tunnels, bumping about. She could barely see out of the hood. She wondered if the Illumarenati members had some sort of spell to see out of their disguises. Just then she bumped into somepony.

"Oops! Sorry."
"Don't worry about it. Also, your hood is on backwards."
Oh.

Derpy rapidly spun around her hood, careful to avoid showing her face. The stallion chuckled.
"Better?"
"Well at least now I can see."
"So where are you trying to get to?"
"Umm... The new prisoners. I think."
"Cool. Follow me."

She shuffled along behind the stallion, who wore deep black robes. She did not know what that meant, but it probably meant he was somepony important.

"So my name's Star Chaser, if you were wondering. I've been looking around the observatory recently. Somepony's been stealing parts to the telescopes! Can you believe it? The nerve of some ponies."
"Well... um... shouldn't you tell somepony?"
"Who? High Priestess? Unless it involves the Order taking control of another social office, she could care less."
"Why do you even have an observatory...?"
"I dunno. Why do we control the Zebrican government? We just do. We can, so we will."

Derpy willed herself to look up into the stallion's face. His face was tan, his coat the same color as Carnegie's. The resemblance stopped there. Where Carnegie was thick and bushy, Star Chaser was thin and gangly. What little of his mane peeked through his hood was brown, the same shad as his eyes. He had stubble around his mouth. He was smiling. At least until he saw her eyes.

"You wanna know something funny?" He whispered, now glaring directly at her. Derpy felt her stomach drop.
"Um... heh heh... maybe...?"
"The pegasus we're looking for. You know tha main thing they told us about her?"
"Oh. Um. Maybe it was about her sparkling personality?" Derpy felt herself squee as she tried to smile at what had seemed to be a friendly stallion. He did not return her smile.

"Her eyes are supposedly crossed. How peculiar is that?"
"Oh I dunno, it's pretty common to have crossed eyes."
"But one more thing, fellow member."
"Um... yes?"
"None of the Order has crossed eyes."
Derpy gulped as he leaned in to whisper into her ear. She felt herself start to shake.

"If I were you, I'd start running."

Time Turner looked up at the open doorway in alarm. A commotion of rattling and shouting echoed down the hall. Everypony in the prison chamber, even the silent guards, gasped as a familiar grey pegasus streaked down the large tunnels, followed by several armed, hooded ponies. Their captors abandoned their posts to help, as soon as they rounded the corner, TIme Turner nodded towards Carnegie.

Porter smiled wickedly before spinning around to buck down the iron door of their cage. It swung open and they bolted out, Carnegie grabbing his satchel. The brewer took a moment to look over his abandoned poker table, looking under it, he gasped.

"Oye, they were hidin' aces!"

Carnegie Porter sat fuming for a moment before Roseluck grabbed his ear with her teeth and dragged him away into the hall. They ran, not quite knowing where they were going. Every so often, a group of guards would find them and they would have to go down a new hallway or backtrack. Time Turner was desperately looking about. He had his ears set on locating his marefriend.

"Oye, she's over 'ere, Doc!" He heard Carnegie shout. Time Turner galloped full speed after the two other Earth ponies. There, they saw Derpy with another mare. A mare with a blood-red mane and a light blue coat. She had a crazed look in her eye as she levitated a blade directly at Derpy's throat. Time Turner gasped.

"Don' worry, Derps. We'll save ya!" Carnegie snarled, glaring at the unicorn. Time Turner scanned the scenario. Levitation magic varied in speed depending on a unicorn's skill. He let himself study her cutie mark. It was the Illumarenati symbol. She was obviously this 'High Priestess' character he had heard so much about. Why she was unrobed, Time Turner did not know. But he did not like her sudden reveal of identity.

"Now, how are we going to do this... DOCTOR?" The red unicorn hissed. "Are you going to take me with you to the future, or are you going to let your little friend here DIE?!" Time Turner looked up in horror as Derpy strained to keep her throat away from the floating dagger. He did not know anything about High Priestess. There were too many variables, too many random triggers. He couldn't even begin to try and predict the outcome, even if he agreed to her terms. Suddenly, variables no longer mattered as a pony smashed a rock over High Priestess' head.

The tan pony waved a hoof down at them, and Derpy fluttered down, landing weakly at Time Turner's hooves. After a quick kiss and a short embrace, Derpy nodded up at the unicorn stallion above them.

"Thank you, Star Chaser."
"No prob. Now get out of here, before they catch you. I'll tell them that you killed her. I'll finish her off once you leave. Your time machine is down that hall-" he nodded at said hall, "-and to the right. Now get outta here before I change my mind."

They didn't hesitate to follow his orders.

Author's Note

Star Chaser is the first OC that doesn't belong to me to be written into Four Ponies. He will not be appearing again in the storyline.

Chapter XXV: One Small Step For Ponies...

“If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.”
― Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The TROTIS had been locked up, covered in chains and various other restraints.

Not that that would matter, of course. The TROTIS could time travel even if it was encased in solid concrete. After unchaining the door, the four friends slung themselves into the carriage's egg-shaped chamber. Time Turner quickly turned on the engine and checked the year leap scale. They's be able to make it to 1200 A.B., a few years after Nightmare Moon's banishment. Carnegie, Rose, and Derpy buckled into the seats behind him.

Time Turner slammed his hoof down on the start button without hesitation.

The TROTIS lurched violently and they vanished from the Illumarenati's cavern base.

The year was 1200 A.B.

They had over 800 years to go before they were back to the present.

They were in Manehattan once again, trotting the streets casually; as they had to wait the necessary twenty-four hours for the magical battery in the TROTIS to recharge. It felt nice to finally be able to relax once again. Having so many close calls wore out a pony.

Eight more day cycles. Then they were home. No more fighting, they had promised each other, if there are bad guys, we run away.

Carnegie rather liked kicking the snot out of some overzealous boogies. Angry bar patrons, umbrums, or secret societies. Nothing was safe from Carnegie Porter. But Roseluck, Derpy, and the Doctor each made sure to keep the drunk in check. They couldn't have him disrupting the peace and attracting the attention of some new evil creatures.

Carnegie was getting, however. So they decided to stop at a random bar and wait there; so Carnegie could at least drink a few gallons of beer to keep him occupied while they talked business.

"So what will we do? We have eight days before we get home. What will we do between then and now?" Rose asked, sipping her drink. Carnegie had slipped away and was leading many of the patrons of the bar in a lively pub song.
"I'm not sure." Time Turner mumbled in reply, careful not to get swept up into Carnegie Porter's song.
"Well," Derpy said, "we'll need to stay out of trouble, that's for sure."
Just then, Time Turner noticed a peculiar marking on the table. He rubbed at it absentmindedly, half-listening to the mares' conversation.

"So what're you doing when we get back, Derpy?"
"Well, I know I'm definitely giving my little Dinky the squeeziest hug ever."
"Aww how sweet. I'm gonna convince Carns to take me on a proper date."
"Oh how fun! Maybe we could make it a double date, and I could bring the Doctor. Wouldn't that be fun, Timey?"
"Hmm? Oh okay, yeah." He had rubbed away most of the residue off the carving with his hoof. Curiosity told him to continue. Nopony knew what anticlimactic secrets the graffiti must hold.

"Well Derpy, it settled, first thing we do when we get home is a double date with the stallions!"
"And what after?" The girls began giggling, and Time Turner finally rubbed off the last of the gook. There, staring back at him, was an eye. An upturned within a triangle.

At that exact moment, everypony in the bar turned to stare at the four time travelers.

Time Turner opened his mouth and spoke slowly;

"Oh f - "
Everypony in the bar lunged at them.

"I thought that Star Cloud guy killed High Priestess!"
"Star Chaser. And he did. But that was"
"Then why is the Illumarenati still active or whatever you call it?!" Roseluck was delirious. Derpy and Carnegie were unconscious. And Time Turner was getting a really bad headache.

"I don't know, Rose. But you need to calm down. You're swinging an awful lot and it's not doing a thing to help my migraine."
They had been tied up to a rod by their hind-hooves. The rod had been attached to some hooks on the ceiling by the Illumarenati members; new members a century later, now without hoods. The congregation had told the troop of four that they would be retrieving the TROTIS, and that the four of them would remain in their positions if they wanted to survive the nearing night. Carnegie groaned as he came to.

"Oh hallo, Doc. Hallo, Rosey my love. We're hangin' upside-down!"
"Thanks for telling us, Porter." The Doctor grumbled. He hoped the other stallion would conk out again for another hour or so. Not anything against his friend, but the drunk bastard made it hard to think when he rambled..

"Carns, love, can you figure out a way to get us down?"
"O' course." With that, Carnegie began to swing to and fro. Time Turner groaned as his head began to pound, but he knew what Carnegie was trying to do. Time Turner quickly commenced swinging in rhythm with Carnegie. Rose caught on, and soon the three were swinging side by side. The rod leapt in it's hook, but it did not have the momentum to unhinge. Carnegie noticed this, and began to rock Derpy's slumbering form with the other three. With the added weight, the rod popped off and the four crashed painfully onto the tiled floor.

Time Turner got to work untying the knots binding them, but Carnegie simply smashed a nearby empty beer bottle on the ground, and used the glass shards to cut through he and Rose's ropes. Carnegie was working on Derpy's ropes when he raised a bushy eyebrow in Time Turner's direction.

"Need some help there, Doc?" Carnegie offered up the glass shard. Grumbling, the Doctor snatched up the glass in his hoof and sliced away the ropes. They were free. Now to find the TROTIS. Unfortunately, they had only been incapacitated for... Time Turner made the calculations and judged the night sky visible from the window. They had only been tied up for two hours. The TROTIS would still need about twenty hours to make a full recharge.

No wait. Make that nineteen and a half.

But that was still an awful long time to spend avoiding the Illumarenati, even if they managed to somehow get back their time machine. Time Turner also allowed himself a moment to wonder how, after over a century, the secret organization remained. It seemed impossible, especially since they had witnessed High Priestess being brutally murdered by the stallion Star Chaser. The Illumarenati should have along with its leader... unless...

"We have a problem."
Carnegie looked up. Being the strongest, he was carrying the unconscious Derpy on his back. Rose looked to the Doctor as well.
"An' wha' problem is tha'?"
"Star Chaser became the head priest when he killed High Priestess. This is the same Illumarenati from 1100."
"What?! I thought he was on our side! Why are they attacking us again?"
"Anypony who sees the time machine instantly sees world domination. We have to get out of here."

As Time Turner said that, an Illumarenati guard trotted into the room. Carnegie quickly and swiftly decked the stallion in the face with a powerful hoof. The guard crumpled and hit the floor with a soft thud.

"Sweet Celestia! Carns did you just KILL HIM?!"
The guard on the floor let out a snore.
"Nah, Rosey, love. He'll be fine."

They were sneaking around the paved roads of Manehattan. The night air nipped at their heels, and Carnegie had been incredibly upset that his satchel had turned up missing. His alcohol and towel were gone. It wasn't that tragic a loss to the troop, but to Porter it spelled doom. Without alcohol, how was he expected to fend of an army of evil Illumarenati warriors!? Carnegie began to panic as Time Turner started digging through the rubbish and trash bins in the alleys. The Doctor was collecting metal scraps and various chemicals. Derpy was helping the Doctor, swooping about to gather yet more supplies.

Roseluck had comforted him when he had learned the fate of his satchel and beloved mead. But now she was dragging him about, grabbing tattered clothes from the bins to wear as disguises. Unfortunately, Porter had to model many of these ridiculous outfits.

"Carns, dear, do you think the blouse matches the hat?"
"Blimey, Rose. 'Ow tha' bloody 'ell am I supposed ta know? I'm not one for fashion. I'm a brewer."
"And I'm a florist. Suck it up. Literally, suck up your gut, I think you're ripping that dress..."
Carnegie gasped and looked to her with scandal.
"Are ya callin' me fat?"
"What? No! You just... have a bit of a tummy..."
"So yer callin' me fat."
"Ah... um... uh... yes."

Carnegie grumbled and sucked in his gut. Rose gave him an apology smooch and a kiss on the cheek in thanks before returning to her organization.

"Do you think this hat has too many feathers? Ah well, here, try it on with this ball gown."
Carnegie groaned. Anypony else, and he'd go stark raving mad. But this was Rose, and he loved Rose. So he would put up with it for now.

"Then again, try on this pantyhose, too."
Anypony else...

Chapter XXVI: ...One Giant Leap For Ponykind

“To die will be an awfully big adventure.”
― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

OVER 800 YEARS IN THE FUTURE (AKA PRESENT DAY)

"Sister, is something the matter?" Luna asked Celestia. The white alicorn princess was staring off into the distance, viewing the mountainous horizon with a bland look.

"Do you know of Time Turner of Ponyville?"
"The inventor?"
"Yes."
"Yes, I know of him. Why?"
"Do you know of the Cockney Colt?"
"Who?"
"I believe he is also called 'Carnegie Porter'."
"The former champion drinker of Canterlot?"
"Yes."
"Then yes, I know of him as well. But why do you ask me of this?"

Celestia turned to Luna, and the princess of the night could clearly see in her sister's eyes that the elder was remembering something. Something incredibly important and incredibly incredible.

"How old are they, again?"
"I would not know."
"When was the first time you met them?"
"Oh, I've known them my whole li-"

Luna paused. Something deep and heavy was dawning on her. Surely what she said next could not be true? Yet it was. She remembered, clear as day, meeting Carnegie Porter for the first time. He had told her what a 'skiddily boop' was.

"My whole life."

1200 A.B.

We're gonna die we're gonna die we're gonna die we're gonna die we're gonna die...

Roseluck was in a panic as she ran side-by-side with her lover. Behind them, a still woozy Derpy and a limping Time Turner galloped after them. Behind her friends were some of her not-friends. The entire brute force of the Illumarenati was after them in a stampede. She wondered how so much had gone so wrong so quickly. Oh yeah. They had Porter to thank for that.

They had managed to successfully sneak into the Illumarenati base within the Manehattan Town Centre. The four had made it all the way to the TROTIS. And then Carnegie Porter stole a bottle of beer, which he promptly dropped. The shattering combined with the echoing halls of the Town Centre attracted every Illumarenati member within or surrounding the huge building. And by every Illumarenati member, of course, that meant approximately ten thousand guards. According to Time Turner's calculations.

And these guards didn't look like the type to take prisoners.

Every so often, a guard would catch up to them, only for Carnegie to let out a battle cry and roundhouse kick them up the side of the head. This time, Roseluck decided not to waste valuable seconds where she could be running for her life wondering if the victim of Carnegie's crippling hind hoof was breathing.

As they ran, Time Turner slapped a pair of bread slices (where they had come from, Rose did not know) on each side of Carnegie's face. The Doctor was somehow keeping up with them, walking on only his hind legs and backwards as well.

"What are you, Porter?"
"An idiot sandwich."
"Why are you an idiot sandwich?"
"Because I stole beer when there was plenty in the TROTIS."
"And why did you steal the beer?"
"Because I am an idiot sandwich."

Time Turner removed the bread slices and tossed them away just as Carnegie delivered a deadly buck to the lower jaw of a lunging Illumarenati thug. Derpy was fluttering in the air. She was never the perfect flier, and Rose could tell that the pegasus was weakening. They couldn't keep running forever. After she voiced her concerns to the Doctor, Time Turner immediately started to formulate a plan. Carnegie Porter seemed to thoroughly enjoy this plan, which told Roseluck that the plan was possibly dangerous.

They split up. Derpy latching onto the Doctor and taking him up so they could flee along the rooftops, and Carnegie leading Rose into a tunnel that led into the Manehattan sewers. Roseluck felt with contempt that she had gone into one too many sewers in these adventures of hers, but she did not complain to Porter. Mostly because they could hear the echoing shouts of thugs, who had unwisely followed the drunk and his mare down below.

"Stay close ta me, love." Carnegie whispered through the darkness. Roseluck was pressed up against his side. Partially because she was afraid. Mostly because it was so dark that she couldn't see her own hooves in front of her.
"You don't have to tell me twice," she mumbled, "how are we supposed to get out of here?" In the distance, they could still hear the violent threats and demands of the Illumarenati thugs. But they sounded like they were a long ways away, and seemed to be having trouble navigating the darkness as well.

Meanwhile, Derpy and the Doctor were flying up among the clouds, Time Turner clinging helplessly as he desperately tried not to lose his grip. He enjoyed the, despite that and the current circumstances.

"Derpy, have I ever told you how much I love the fact that you can fly?" Derpy flushed when he said he, and let herself give out a bubbly giggle.
"No... But I'd love to hear about it." She replied while she touched down once more upon a rooftop. The skyscrapers of Manehattan had grown for a few stories to up to seven or eight. Had this occurred several hundred years ago, they could waltz across these roofs without a worry. Now, a stumble could mean a deadly plummet to the pavement below.

They had to find the TROTIS. And then somehow find Porter and Rose. Something told Time Turner that the time machine would not be as easy to find as last time it had been stolen by the Illumarenati. And the society had had one hundred years to prepare for their return. The crew of the TROTIS had only but a few minutes. Time Turner could only hope that the Illumarenati's plan this time was not as intricate as he feared.

Carnegie Porter cautiously poked his head out of the grate. He was met by a cool evening breeze. He inhaled deeply, eagerly welcoming the fresh air. For hours he and Rose had suffered through stale, disgusting air. Carnegie looked down to the filthy red-maned mare. She looked back, a face full of worry.

"Is the coast clear?"
"Yea, love. 'Ere, lemme give ya a lift." He back got down on all fours and gestured for her to step up onto his back. She carefully did so, and then pulled herself out of the tight hole. Roseluck then turned around and helped Carnegie out. He was a tighter squeeze. After many pained grunts and huffing, Carnegie popped out of the sewer. He slammed the grate back down onto the hole and observed the empty streets. Nopony had seen or heard the two crawl out of the literal shit.

"So what now, Carns?"
"I was gonna ask ya tha same thing, Rose."
"I guess we try find the Doctor and Derpy?"
"Or should we try an' find tha TROTIS first?"

Both pondered for awhile before deciding together that they should find their friends first. They galloped down the street, avoiding large crowds and the gaze of passing ponies if possible. Every so often they'd spot a pony bearing a triangle-eye tattoo on their shoulder, chest, face, or even on their flank. When Carnegie spotted one, Rose would have to beg the angered stallion to focus on her and get away from them. Every time, the ugly face of rage on his face would melt away into a faint smile and they'd continue on their quest. They didn't know where to find the TROTIS. They didn't even know where to begin.

Then Rose spotted two things at once. A familiar grey pegasus carrying a brown stallion across the sky, and then a blue carriage being loaded onto a boat at the dock not but a few blocks away. She was given a number of seconds to choose between getting home and finding her friends.

She grabbed Carnegie by the shoulder and dragged him with her as she followed the descending form of Derpy and the Doctor.

Author's Note

I'm going to thank each and every one of you who have stuck around to see this story become something great. Carnegie, Rose, Derpy and the Doctor's adventures will continue for as long as I can possibly manage.

And then there will be bonus chapters (as sequels and prequels and backstories). In fact, I'm writing a Bonus Chapter along with the next chapter.

ABC's of Four Ponies (Why? Because Buck You, That's Why!)

A is for Alcohol!

"Everypony loves it! Everypony needs it!" The Punch Bowl Bar & Hangout - owned and operated by Berry Punch.

B is for Berry Punch!

Carnegie Porter's bitchy ex-marefriend! She hates his guts and he hates hers!

C is for Carnegie Porter!

A drunken bastard and a brewer! He's seen his future and wants it badly!

D is for Doctor!

Inventing, science, engineering galore! Put Time Turner with Carnegie, and you won't need any more!

E is for Earth pony!

Time Turner, Carnegie, and Rose are all Earth ponies!

F is for failure!

It's what Carnegie was before he went time traveling with Time Turner and the others!

G is for gin!

Carnegie likes gin! And rum! And wine! And beer... And... buck it, he likes alcohol.

H is for Hooves!

Derpy and Dinky are in the Hooves family!

I is for ideas!

I am rapidly running out of ideas!

J is for jokes!

Everypony tells really bad ones!

K is for kinky!

Because skiddily boop with Roseluck is super kinky!

L is for language!

You better watch it! (Call me a hypocrite.)

M is for mares!

Fuck bitches! Get money!

N is for naughty!

Carnegie is naughty! Rose has to punish him! In the good way!

O is for outrageous!

Because everything is outrageous with a time machine! And alcohol! Mostly alcohol!

P is for porter!

The dark beer that Carnegie is named after!

Q is for queen!

Princess Celestia is not a queen! (Okay, I got lazy.)

R is for rum!

Because rum is great for time traveling adventures!

S is for skiddily boop!

Carnegie and Rose like doing the skiddily boop! So do Derpy and the Doctor!

T is for TROTIS!

The time machine that Time Turner built! It's really cool! In a way! Okay, it's not really all that cool.

U is for ukulele!

Carnegie can secretly play the ukulele!

V is for voodoo!

It's what that creepy dream unicorn did to Carnegie to bring him back to life!

W is for walleyes!

That means your eyes are crossed! Derpy had walleyes!

X is for... it's for... uh... BUCK IT I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT X IS FOR!

Y is for YOLO!

You only live once! Unless you're Carnegie Porter!

Z is for zebras!

They're really, really mean to Porter!

"So... that's an alphabet book for... foals?" Time Turner asked timidly, reading the shoddily made booklet in his hooves. He looked up at Carnegie in shock, horror, and partial amazement. Carnegie has his usual smirk, his eyebrows making his half-smile look more like a leer.

"Yeah, whatcha think, Doc? Pretty good, if I say so meself!"

Time Turner facehoofed as Roseluck came up behind Carnegie. She cooed in his ear, her suggestion automatically making Porter agree with him even hearing a word. Derpy was watching the whole thing from her seat in the TROTIS.

"Maybe we shouldn't write children's books, okay, Carns?" Rose whispered.
"Yeah, alrigh'. But Derpy, maybe I could read it ta Dinky. She'd like it!"
"No." Derpy said, flatly.
"Aw c'mon, it's a good-"
"No, Porter."