TCB: The Magnificent Tails From The Trash Pile.

by Erac

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Adventure, Alternate Universe, Human, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 13993

Just a collection of non-serious-stories for the TCB.

I write when I get bored, and I write a lot. (sometimes,) This is where I plan on irregularly posting my ideas and TCB shorts that were to crazy or just not long enough to warrant there own separate thing. If you want more serious stuff, go read something else. If you want to see Humans trash Bureaus or break into the princess's palace, or even kidnap the worlds richest man. go on and enjoy this.

Leave your sanity at the door. You won't be needing it.

Published 2012-05-27 16:24:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-17 05:00:49 UTC

A Door Buster Caper.

A Mutt, A Scoundrel, A Gambler, And A Smuggler. What the hell are they doing here of all places, outside of John Norris’s tower?!

Three guys and a diamond dog, go to kidnap John Norris. After a round of whiskey or two, and a bit of an argument between Azure and Benny they forget the reason they even came.

“Allright, allright. This the place?” Benny asked Bruce as they wandered down the hallway.

“Ya know, I expected climbing up an elevator shaft to be. ya know harder. . . Then again we got him.” Bert said pointing a thumb idly at Vince.

“If Hue-Mans waited, We could have walked through front!” Vince growled shambling after the trio.”Why Vince have to climb, Monkey climb, dog not climb?!”

“Ahem, Gentlemen, woul you mind knocking, by the looks O that door. I suggest knockin hard.” Bruce drawled in his normal Cajun accent.

“All righty, then.”Bert said as he moved in front of the door, Vince following close behind. “Ona count of three, A’ight?” Bert shot a quick glance back at Vince who simply nodded.
In near perfect unison Vince raised his paws over head and came down hard on the door at the same moment Bert kicked. The door flew inwards, hinges tearing free from the wood in a shower of splinters.

“Well, hello there. Where's mister money bags?” Benny said jumping through the doorway eagerly, he walked a bit further in to spy two pegasi, Father and son, watching a cartoon. “. . .U’m. hey, we sorta kicked your door in, pay us some Fuc-.” Benny paused as he was shushed by the bigger of the two.

“Adventure time.” John said shooting a look back at the intruders who simply stood bewildered.

“Umm, dad. . . shouldn’t you. Ya know, do something?” Azure said raising a quizzical Eyebrow.

“. . .Um, your gonna have to excuse us here, we don’t do home invasions very often, but when we do the folks are loaded, so where’s it at featherbrain!” Benny yelled at John.

“Stop yelling, you're just going to have to wait, T.V. time is now. Come back later.” John said, eyes never leaving the set.

“Alright, listen, I have a gun!” Benny yelled brandishing Marie. “Not gonna be very good for your health unless you tell me where you keep the dough!”

“Pfft, You call that a gun?” Azure shot.

“Hey, Size don’t matter when ya’know how to use it!” Benny shot back at the young pegasus.

“Benny. . . Let’s not get into it wit’ the kid. Grab the dough and let’s get out.” Bert said stepping in, his eyes instantly locking on the scene in front of him. “Eh. . . why’s he jus sittin there?”

“Cartoons.” Was John's only response. The group shot one look at the confusing mishmash of colors and moving pictures.

“Ok, this is a dead end. Start lookin behind picture frames and shit.” Benny shot out as they all fanned out and began to search, Vince stayed in the room with Azure and John, Seemingly mesmerized by the colors on the set.

“Vince watch, only for moment though.” Vince said plopping down on the couch.

“No dogs on the furniture!” John snapped. With a bit of a grumble Vince moved to the floor.

* * *

“Eh, Junk junk, Bills. Pictures. Hole in drywall covered up by painting.” Benny sighed to himself. “Gawd dammit, this is taking too long. . . And where the hell is Vince?!”

“You know your gonna pay for this righ?” Azure said wandering in behind Benny.

“I don’t pay for nuthin!” Benny shot back. “I’m amazing, and can get away with anything.” Benny said grinning wide as he pointed a thumb at himself. His sudden movement caused the stool he was on to topple over, sending him flying face first towards the ground.

“You're not very good at this.” Azure said watching the short ginger pull himself up. With a chuckle he shot back.

“Shouldn’t you at least be a little freaked out? I mean come on this type of shit doesn’t happen often!” Benny said picking himself up.

“Actually, you’d be surprised.” Azure rolled his eyes as the small man glared at him. “How tall are you anyway. I mean, come on I’m nearly as big as you!”

“Ya know what, don’t talk about my height.” Benny said as he resumed searching, he stumbled forward into a room filled with posters of the wonder bolts.

“Ya know it’s not going to be in my room, right?” Azure offered. Benny seemed transfixed on the pinups.

“. . .You're not, ya know. funny are ya?” Benny said glancing at a pinup of soarin before shuddering.

“What no, it’s from a magazine.”

“. . .I’ll take your word for it. Hey where does your dad keep the cash, can you show me his room?” Benny offered a shaky smile.

“You don’t really expect me to help you, right?” Azure said eyeing the red head.

“Nah not really.” His eyes lit up as he set eyes on a set of goggles. “Signed by the wonderbolts Eh? Heh.” Benny said grasping the case. “How much you wanna bet this has got some value to it.”

“Don’t take that, It was a present!”

“Or what? I have a gun.” Bennys grin quickly turned into a contorted mask of pain, as Azure’s hoof found its mark right in his ribs. Benny dropped to the floor with a groan.

“BERT, BERT!” Benny coughed as he glared at the young Pegasus. There was a thud of boots as the large man came in looking down on the small man as he writhed in pain.

“What happened to you?” Bert shot.

“That little bastard kicked me!” Benny

“He tried to take my present!” Azure said glancing at the large man who simply frowned.

“Benny, don’t take the kids stuff. There’s like what? A billion bits in a closet somewhere.”

“Let’s see how big and bad you are, ponyboy, when I get to see how long a pegasus can hold its breath.” gasped Benny “While I’m drowning you in the toilet bowl!” Benny growled.

“Benny, it’s not the end of the world, leave the kid alone and walk it off. We got lots to search."

“Fine, what ever!” Benny groaned as he limped out of the room. Azure shot the open window a look.

“I could go and get help, but! I’m kinda certain this is going to work itself out. These guys couldn’t find their own feet!” Azure trotted off after the intruders to make sure they didn’t break anything or kill themselves or each other.

* * *

“Worst part is, they never listen to Vince! Vince know lot’s of stuff. Neat useful shiny facts, but they never is listing to dog, they think dog know nothing!” Vince shot at John who simply kept nodding rhythmically, eyes never leaving the set.

“Yeah, that’s bad and stuff.” John nodded. Vince shot a long glance at Bruce as he clinked various glasses together, pouring himself a drink.

“Is your little cartoon almos over wit?” Bruce sighed, resigning himself to the fact he had no fucking clue where his treasure trove could be.

*Shush* John said bring a hoof to his mouth.

“. . .So. . . Wan a drink?” Bruce smiled offering John the glass of whiskey.

* * *

“So, Anyways. Benny is standin ontop of him, cusin an yelling, and shit. swingin away with a golf club an-. . .” Bert stopped as Azure interrupted him.

“Your all drunk, and there’s no way that little guy over there beat a dragon up with a gold club!” Azure shot at all of them. “Didn’t you come here to rob us?!”

“Wat?” Benny slurred, staring blankly at the young pegasus.

“You came to rob us. instead you spent all afternoon drinking and making up stories, There not even believable!” Azure shot.

“Wat?” they all said in unison staring at the face hoofing pegasus.

“. . .Welp, guess we best be hitting the road.” Bert belched.

“Hey, no wait, I know a place we can take this party too.” John said getting to his legs with ease. “You guys ever go to a dress club?”

“A wat?” Benny said

“Come on I’ll show ya.” John said heading out the door, waiting for the others to follow. “Well. . .Come on!” As they began to follow after him he paused. “You and the dog look after things while we’re gone Azure.” John called out, then they were gone.

“So. . . do you like the Wonderbolts?” Azure offered to the large Dog.

“Not big fan of flying, Dogs place on, or under the ground. Not high above.” Vince said eyeing the disappointed look in Azure’s eyes, with a sigh he began again, “What you like best about them?”

* * *

“Imma, make it hail!” John laughed, slinging coins at the stage with a wing.

“Dammit, stop throwing fist fulls of bits at the dancers. Those probably hurt y'know.” Bert glared daggers at the stallion.

“Cant. get over. fact. they're adorable. Socks. Hnnng! Heart. My Heart!” Benny cried clutching at his chest..

“I think Benny needs some ‘help’.” Bruce mused.

“Help. . . oh~ I get it.” John let a piercing whistle. “Hey how bout a ‘Special’ show for my friend. John said before dropping a bag full of bits in front of one of the dancers.

“Na, No real. really. I’m good.” Benny said averting his eyes from the dancers. The group laughed loudly as Benny was lead away to a private show.

“Oh, he’s gonna love it. Candy Shores is. Friendly.” John chuckled, eliciting another laugh from the group of drunken humans.

* * *

“This is wrong, this is wrong. I’m human, I’m human.”

“Yes, and also a man. . . a big, bad human.”

“Oh god, um, can, can’t we just ya know talk? Yeah just talk. Talkings good.” Benny stuttered.

“So what led you to, to convert, or are you a really freaky Equestrian, Heh?” Benny stammered growing more flustered by the moment. Everything was going fine, more or less. till he felt a hoof attempting to be shoved in his pants.

“Oh, I’m. . . freaky.” She smiled at him as he began to squirm..

* * *

All the other club goers know for certain, is that the fire started small at first, but it never stopped growing. sure unicorns tried to stop it but it soon got out of hand. In a little under an hour the club had been consumed in the fire, no one was hurt, but the damage was estimated at around 2.5 million bits. Bystander report of a van speeding off soon after the fire started. Where abouts of the occupants unknown.

Gill, Enemy Of Bureaus.

TCB: Gill Enemy Of The Bureaus.

“ another uneventful day working the desk.” Berry sighed, he glanced around the lobby again “Everything is clean, and no candidates this morning either.” Berry looked down at his glass of water as it began to shake, looking up in horror he saw a literal mountain of man stomp through the door and over to his counter. “My, my you're a big fella. . . are you here to convert?” Berry asked eye twitching as he gazed upon the Bald headed human with a dark tan, with no less than three chins, this man could not have weighed less than seven hundred pounds.

“I AM GILL.” He huffed “ENEMY OF BUREAUS.” Berry’s eyes settled on the large pry bar he was caring.

“. . .Um, HLF?” Berry raised an eyebrow as he slammed his hoof onto the security button.

“YES, WHERE IS YOUR CONVERSION ROOM?” Gill Thundered before his eyes locked onto a sign. “Ah yes, there it is!” He said before moving down the hallway with a rumble.

“HEY, YOU CAN’T GO BACK THERE” Berry yelled rushing in front of the man to block his path, but it was like trying to stop a glacier. Berry was heaved against the wall in a slump.

“Who is that, Berry are you allright?” A pink mare rushed over.

“Stop him he’s headed to the conversion room!”

“I AM GILL, ENEMY OF BUREAUS!” Gill bellowed slinging the pry bar around knocking chunks out of the walls with a mad glee.

*~*~*

“All right Soups on everypony!” The yellow coated earth pony cried with glee. watching the smiling faces of human and pony alike pushed their way through the line grabbing fresh fruit or veggie burgers.”What the hay!” She cried as the walls began to rumble, boxes pot’s and pan’s falling, and stacks of plates breaking. Everyone in the lunchroom turned to look as a large man thundered through the cafeteria doors, before booming.

“I AM GILL, ENEMY OF BUREAUS!” Gill cried as he marched through the room past ponies and shocked humans alike. followed closely by a red stallion and a ticked looking pink unicorn.

“STOP HIM!” Berry cried. people and ponies alike moved to stop the human glacier but none could stop the large mass of the man as he rumbled through the room.

“NONE CAN STOP ME FOR I AM A MAN AMONG CHILDREN!” Gill bellowed. With a grunt he smashed the door that led to the dormitory’s.

*~*~*

“See honey, it’s not that scary.”The ebony pegasus said as she nuzzled the blonde haired girl.

“I know momma.” She said wiping tears from her eyes.

“Shh, There's no one that’s going to hurt you here. they say you can go next. . .if you want -.” she stopped in alarm as pictures began to fall off the wall. and the windows began to rattle.

“I AM GILL, ENEMY OF BUREAUS!” Boomed Gill as he marched through the hall toward his final destination.

“MOMMA!” The blonde girl shrieked as she buried her head into her mother’s mane.

“Shh, be very quiet.” She whispered.

“Stop him, He’s going to the conversion room!”

“Get’em!”

“Why isn’t anpony stopping him!”

“LOCK THE DOORS !”

“momma, I’m scared.”

“Shh,” She cringed as the sound of shattering wood could be heard down the hall. “The bad man’s going away pumpkin.” She cooed.

*~*~*

Gill threw his considerable weight against the pry bar, he grinned with his yellowed teeth as the door began to creak open. With a laugh of triumph he walked into the conversion room and locked eyes with a white unicorn mare.

“WHERE IS POTION STORED!”

“Th-there.” She said cringing from the large man as he walked into the Bureaus potion storage. She peeked around the corner with caution, gasping in alarm as the man began to open the tanks and let the Bureaus ration of potion flow down the drain. With a grin he began the process of escaping.

*~*~*

“Explain it again, nice and slow. A large man just waltzed in here, and destroyed all the serum?” The deputy said scratching his head as he looked at the ponies expressionlessly.

“Yes, yes that’s exactly what happened! He walked in here and destroyed all the potion!”

“Hmm, Dammit, this is the third case this week.” He said getting back into his cruiser, “I’ll see what I can do about it.”

Stressed and Stripped. Aka, My first one shot.

* * *

This is my first one shot ever, mostly the same as I wrote it with minor correction (Very little), Feel free to rage because all the rest are better than this.

* * *

I can totally show them, Oh you have to wait one week before we can ponify you sir! Well if that's what they want to enforce then why don't they use better locks! working this baby over is easy. lock was open in just ten seconds flat. . . ok five minutes, but still pretty dam quick for someone who's only picked the lock to his buddies apartment. . . once. . . ok there were those other couple of times when I picked my neighbors locks, but I just wanted to know if that box they brought in was one of those old antique CRTVs I can't help myself around all those glorious old tech goodies they collect, I just had to know, and they just had to get the po-po involved, nuthin is ever fun when the po-po is involved, always with there, Stop this, stop that, you can't urinate in the corner of this parking garage sir, your under arrest for public intoxication SIR, there always such spoil sports, but now that so many are gone I just, I just gotta have me some attention.

Stepping carefully, as to not make a sound, He ducked behind the door as the sound of clip-clopping hooves came closer to him. Shit don't tell me one of them are up this late, why does this crap happen to me? Taking a small hand mirror to angle around the corner to take a look see at this unwelcome intruder. With a silent sigh he huddled closer to wall as he watched the brown janitor pony push the cart down the hall and out the door he had come through. creeping along the wall towards the cabinet at the back he quickly went to work. rapidly pressing the trigger of the pick gun as he attempted to open the cabinet. After what seemed like hours the lock opened with a pleasant click. Let's see here. . . WHY ARE THERE SO MANY VIALS!? what they got different flavors or somethin? Oh, Cherry flavor it is the, Heh need to be a pony graduate my ass, looks like I just got my GED.

Huh if R63 is Cherry then what other flavors do they got? Hmm Blueberry, orange, apple, kiwi, avocado, coconut, yellow. . . is it what I think it is? With a level of sense could only be attributed to lunatics and suicidal mental patients, he did the only thing he could think of to discover the flavor. . . He stuck his tongue in it. "Mhhhm, SWEET tastes just like Bananas!" He stood there, tongue still hanging out, with what can truthfully be described as 'A moronic grin' until he heard the returning clip clop of hooves on the tiles, headed for the door!

Oh crap oh crap CRAP! He dove for cover with his tasty prize as the door opened with the janitor standing in the door way, broom in mouth ready for any intruder that might be lurking about, or just ready to sweep up as the case may be.

"Hello, Any pony here? aint nopony supposed to be in here right now cept' maintenance right now. . . So if there is then GET!" the janitor said as he walked around the rooms and right past our 'hero' "They need to keep these darn cabinets shut, something's liable to break otherwise." He said as he closed and locked the cabinet. With a sigh of relief as the paranoid janitor left our 'hero' Began the 'hopefully' less difficult exit of the authorized personal only area. He had almost made it when he was stopped by his now 'favorite' janitor pony

"What are you doing back here? Ponification is a nine to six deal." He said narrowing his eyes

"Uhmm, sorry but isn't this the ways to the bathroom?" Our 'hero' said as he gave a forced smile.

"No, no it's not. Why are you back here?" he said "Side's you expect me to believe you were looking for the bathroom?

"I, I had to go real bad, sorry." our 'hero' tried to say but was interrupted by the cold feeling of potion seeping through a pocket. The ponies eyes went wide as he stared at the man in front of him

"Oh, gosh I'm, I'm sorry . . . Let's just go ahead and get you cleaned up, I promise not to tell anypony." He stammered

Oh thank god I didn't put the lid on tight, hope it's not all gone.

*-*-*

He sat in his room back home, in front of a large antique mirror, looking sadly at the loss of one of the bottles "But I love cheery flavor!" he moaned and pouted a bit, as he glared at the vial of yellow liquid "Now all I've got is you, you crazy delicious banana flavored cure-all!" Grinning with a toothy smile of triumph, trademark of any good madman, He popped the top before saying "Over the lips , and through the gums, look out stomach here it comes!" Before downing it in one go. I hope this isn't going to hurt. . . It's going to hurt real bad isn't it, might have been a good idea to chew some pain pills firss. . . And with that thought he was out like a light

*-*-*

"Your tests results are back."

"So what's the word, Is it. . . you know like cancer. . . or something?"

"I'm afraid not, you. . ." The doctor swallowed hard before motioning to table. "Sit down I have, something important to tell you."

"What's the problem, you figure out why I have this nasty rash?"

"I'm afraid so." He looked at him hard. "Do you have any family, any family at all you can call to be here?"

"Well. . . not so much anymore. . ." he said averting his gaze "They decided to go through. . . with It." He punctuated the last part with a snarl

"I'm afraid to say your blood work has shown you to be a carrier for the Romero's disease. . ." The doctor said with a frown.

"I . . .see."He sighed "So this is it?"

"Your beginning to show symptoms, yes, but it hasn't progressed enough for you to become infectious . . . as of yet."

"So, I'm good as dead then?"
"No with today's techno. . ." The doctor frowned as he was cut off.

"What and be one of those brain in a jar cyborg freaks!?" He said with a scowl "Better off dead than that." He said gripping the edge of the table till his knuckles became white.

"No I didn't mean that, besides that will only delay its progress. What I'm suggesting is. . . go join your family." the doctor said as he removed his glasses, and braced for the worst, the reaction he got was unexpected.

"Heh, guess this is what it takes. . . A big boot to the rear end, huh." he said before tilting his head upwards to the ceiling "This your idea of a joke you magnificent bastard!?" Clenching his teeth before relaxing a bit "Well sure is a good one, HA you got me, so what now?" He said to the ceiling before looking back at the doctor. ". . . So what now . . . Doc?"

"We shuttle you over to the bureau, and they cure you."

"So they cure me by making me an animal, huh."He said with a fairly blank expression "Funny joke, don't ch'a think doc?" He said with a strange smirk "Life loves to throw little miracles to everyone more and more often lately. I've got to ask though what happens if I say no, I mean it's not like you can stop me from leaving right?"

"If you refuse you'll be put under observation with the other patients, and there the Romero virus will keep festering, and spreading through you till it enters stage three and you become a infectious hazard, Then you'll be forced into quarantine, as it progress's sores will open up all over your body, and then the plague will continue to tear through your body till you're basically a walking corpse. . . That is if it doesn't decide to liquefy your brain first."

"Heh, thought Doctors were supposed to break news like this a little more gently."

"We are. . . I'm just tired of seeing this tear through people. I've lost a few friends to this all ready, some through stubbornness others through the bureaus, and a cure isn't going to come fast enough to save you, at this rate it might not even come at all. . ."The doctor said looking down, before looking up with a bit of a smile "So . . .What are you going to do?"

"Hmm, let's see almost certain slow agonizing death plus going insane as pieces of me rot off, or I lose my thumbs, and I get a sixty six percent chance to be able to do magic or fly. . . Heh, guess this decision is going to be the easiest I've ever had in my life." he said still grinning as if in a daze or a dream. "Well, tell the driver he's got one more going to the farm then." He said with a slight frown before smirking again "Guess I'll give you a ring when I'm all 'Saddled Up'." He said with a grin

"Please, don't start with the puns again." The doctor said rubbing the bridge of his nose.

"And Doc, thanks for helping me work some stuff out, you've been a pretty good friend since I've been here, and I'm going to miss ya. . . can't say I'll miss the food to much though."

"I swear if you start with the hospital jokes again, I'll put you to sleep, and I'll be using the old natural anesthesia, The five fingered one." The doctor said holding up his fist before laughing.

*-*-*

It feels great. . . I'm not just one with the earth, but with all of nature, it feels like I'm part of all life it's self. Something is taunting me in the distance, but I'm too far away from it now as I run leaving it behind, I run away from the old me, No that isn't true, as I run the old me is forged anew, it's the sickness I've left behind, I'm right here, the old me, remade. Others in the distance, there waiting for me. a village in the distance, huts, warmth, and friends are there. I'm welcomed as I run through the small village of huts, through the wafting scents of the cooking fires, and met with friendly and somehow familiar faces. The hut I'm standing in front of is somewhat larger, decorated with masks and gourds. I slowly enter, not out of fear, but out of respect. I don't know how I know this, but before me stands the village shaman, someone to truly respect, I shudder a bit as I sit down, somehow this place still reminds me of nightmares from when I was young, I sit still as I carefully look about, before she finally decideds to acknowledge me.
"What brought you hear to us on this fine day?" she asked

"You want the truth, or just something that sounds good?" Bill (our 'hero') said before saying with a start" Wait that last part wasn't supposed to come out, What gives?"

"All your truths are laid bare here" She said with a kind hearted chuckle. "Now may I ask why you chose to become one of the zebra folk?"

"Well, truth be told I don't really want to be here." Bill said with a frown "Don't get me wrong it's nice here and all, but still."

"Oh so you do not want to be one of the zebra folk?" she said with a slight frown.

"I caught a bad sickness that some call the Romero virus, or Romero plague, there was only one choice, I only took it cause I grown kind of fond of, you know, breathing, and not being a half crazed rotting mess." bill said the last bit with as much sarcasm as he could muster at the moment which wasn't too much.

"Oh, how terrible, if things would have been different would you have remained human?" she said tilting her head slightly as she raised a quizzical brow.

"Well. . . Yeah I liked being human, I know for a fact I'll miss it." He said before frowning "aren't I supposed to be well, a pony?"

"Well are you saying you'd rather be a pony?" She said looking at him with a calm smile and the same questioning look.

"Eh, not really. This was probably my own fault somehow, kind of the same feeling as waking up on the park bench without your pants. . . " bill said

"You are a strange sort." She said narrowing her gaze before trotting over to a caldron "Here, drink this." she said ladling a portion of. . . 'stew' into a bowl before pushing it towards bill.

"What is it?" Bill said scrunching his nose as he sniffed the spicy brew.

"It's something of a gift." she said

"Annnd what if I don't drink it?" Bill said with a frown.

" If you don't, you'll never wake up, for this I'm certain." She said with a devilish grin.

"Damn your sounding a lot like the Doc." Bill said grimacing "Heh, this is just a crazy dream anyway. . . so bottoms up! not like a dream has any real life consequences" Bill said with a grin while snatching the bowl up with his mouth and downing it as quickly as he had downed the potion, before going into a coughing fit and pounding his chest.

"This gift is somewhat of a boon, but also somewhat of a curse, this will put you in tune with yourself while bringing out your more fun side." She said while grinning a devilish grin.

"What does that even mean?"

"Your much more fun when you don't think about the worst that could happen."

" Crap, so I'm going to become to become some impulsive thrill seeker, or something?"

"Not so, just a little more decisive, wither it's a curse or a gift is for you to decide."

"Oh god this is just some awful fever dream, what I drank was probably LSD or acid or something. I'm back in the hospital, under quarantine, my brain has started to rot, There eating each other, and when there done, they're going to eat ME!" Bill yelped with terror.
"WHAT!? no, now wake up. . . And never quote that movie AGAIN! besides that doesn't even work for a good quote."

*-*-*

ugh where am I? Bill thoughts were interrupted by loud pounding on the door, no that wasn't pounding on his door, the pounding was in his head. "Shit, I feel like I'm on fire or something!" He stopped as he gazed at himself in the mirror. "Oh . . . shit." he stood there slack jawed as he stared at the striped pony with its black mane and dark ash gray stripes as it looked surprised back at him in the mirror. Well this defiantly DOES NOT rule out some sort of drug.

The Wispy Wisp Mustache Of Manly Magnificence.

The Wispy Wisp Mustache Of Manly Magnificence.

“None can hope to stand before. THE STACHE!” The man Bellowed in a manly bass, The guards simply fell to his manly, velvety smooth baritone voice as he strode through the palace. With a swift kick to the ornate throne room doors, he moved confidently forward into the den of evil.

“So, you have finally arrived, what kept you?” Cadence cooed, a rapier levitated at her side.

“Ah, so you are one of the three?! Where lie the elder two?” Barked Bartleby, cracking his knuckles, the thunderous pops rattling the windows.

“So human, how did you pass through the barrier?”

“With a little help from my friend and captain of the magnificent airship, The Vampire Cyborg Land Juggernaut!”

“. . .What?” Cadence stared, stupefied, nearly dropping her blade.

“Sorry, I er, don’t actually remember the correct name. BUT THATS WHAT IT MAKES ME THINK OF, MANLINESS. HAW” He screamed lunging at the Alicorn princess.

“Sorry, too slow.” Cadence grinned, her eyes opened wide as she watched him, with a somersault he planted his heels firmly against the back wall and sprang back at her again, catching her around the midsection with his large muscular sinewy arm.

“HAVE AT YOU!” He cried with mad glee.

“STOP YOU CRAZY APE!” Cadence Screamed, her sword falling from her iron clad telekinetic grasp as he barreled through the wall with her like a cannon ball. Plunging into the courtyard below.

“NEVER DOUBT GOOD OLD PUGILISM!” He cried out, the manly baritone ringing throughout the courtyard, as he brought his fist back to deliver a crushing blow.

“UNHAND HER!” With a crack Bartleby was slung away as a shield encased her.

“WHAT IS THIS, A NEW CHALLENGER?!” He laughed “Run now, as I am feeling in a mercy giving mood this day, young?. . .”

“Shining Armor!”

“So. . . you have a name that seems like you don’t work in a dress club. good~.”

“What are you doing here in the first place?!” Cadence yelled at the shirtless man. Her eyes went wide, as with a stomp, he shattered the stone walkway, and hefted one of the large chunks.

“Dodge this!” He laughed, hurling the large chunk of stone at Shining, Barely dodging the slab. Shining managed to get his shield up just in time to shield his love and himself from the mad man.

"Try and break my barrier, But love is stronger than all!" Shouted Shining Armor, With a hot white glow from his horn, Bartleby was soon ensnared by a terrible red shield. "Theres no air in there, you'll subcumb to your own limitations shortly. Are you alright my dear?"

"Yes, Quit. Now the guards will be along shortly to take him in." They gave a chuckle as Bartleby began to pound on the walls to the barrier. "A dragon couldn't brute force his way through that, give up."

"MANLINESS!" Bartleby cried, extending both arms straight out with both palms opened flat.

"What's he doing?"

"I'm not sure."

"HAW HAW!" Bartleby roared as he brought his hands together in a thunderous crash, The resulting shock wave blew his prison into pieces, and sent the two unwary combatants flying into a nearby wall. "NONE CAN STAND BEFORE THE MIGHT. OF THE STACHE!" He laughed heartily. With a thunderous blast he was sent flying upwards into the air, somersaulting end over end before landing, precariously perched on a wall. He stared down his new attacker.

"IN THE NAME OF THE MOON, I'LL PUNISH YOU!" Bellowed the princess of the night.

"HA, as if you have a chance, mistress of the night, do you honestly believe you have the fortitude, the gall to resist. THE STACHE?!" Bartleby chuckled, hands upon his hips, the very air itself seemed to laugh with him.

Luna flew towards him like a javelin, Blasting away with lightning bolt after lightning bolt. which Bartleby simply deflected with his fist.

“YOU HAVE NO CHANCE!” He bellowed, grabbing her by her front legs as she flew, as he rolled backwards preparing to throw her , he felt her hind legs come crashing down upon his manly chest with the force of a small truck.

“Why won’t you go down!” Luna screeched

“A gentleman never ceases once he begins a duel. NEVER!” He laughed heartily.

“GUARDS, NOW!” Luna screamed, Bartleby made the amateur mistake of looking away for a moment.

"NOW TIA, DO IT NOW!" Luna cried.

"HA HA, SEND MORE OF THESE PATHETIC WHELPS YOU CALL GUARDS AT ME!" He laughed.

"Mmm, Do you like bananas Bartleby?"

"Why yes of course, bananas are a part of any healthy gentlemens diet. As is good and proper." Bartleby said stroking his mustache somewhat perplexed.

"Then. . . TO THE MOON!" With a roar of laughter, Bartleby was sent hurtling towards that luminescent orb in the sky."

* * *

"No~!, if I can just alter my path a bit, I can slingshot around the moon, and give those mares what-fore, but how. . . I know the deed that must be done, I MUST PUNCH MYSELF IN THE FACE. FOR HUMANITY!"he cried as he hurtled toward his new destination. With a blow that would normally crush the bones of a normal, less manly man, he took it on the chin with a grin. "FOR JUSTICE!"

Hurtling through the harsh atmospheres less hell known as space, Bartleby took careful aim, and prepared himself for what would surely become known as the most manly act of mankind since screaming bacon had been invented. Bartleby angled himself, and reared back with all his might, Taking note of the majesty of both his would be prison, and the beautiful blue marble that is our planet.

* * *

“I believe he is dead by now. . . ,” Celestia sighed. Looking up at the twinkle in the sky with growing curiosity.

“What is it dear sister?” Luna said tilting her head questioningly.

“I am not sure, have the guards fetch help for Young Cadence and Shining Armor.”

“Unadulterated Pure Manliness, Super juggernaut PAWNCH!” Bartleby cried, as he descended through the sky, bursting through the Equestrians massive barrier to come plummeting down upon Celestia’s head.

“Ti, TIA!” Luna cried out, as the shrapnel from Bartleby's earth shattering landing kicked up clouds of dust.

“Hah, I have ended your princess. You now, you princess of the night, will pay a equal price. NOW PAY WITH YOUR BLOOD!” Bartleby wobbled as he stepped forward, barely keeping up right from his earlier attack.

“Not, not so fast. I’ve one last trick up my sleeve, so to speak.” Celestia grinned at him. Bartleby gasped as her ethereal mane entrapped him.

“WHAT’S THIS?!” He screamed, beginning to panic as he was engulfed.

“I’ll now send you to the most vile, most treacherous place I can. BEGONE!” Celestia yelled, her mane parting and carrying Bartleby high in the air, before fizzling out of existence.

“Tia, what did you do?” Luna gasped, Celestia simply smiled as she rose to her feet, Bones cracking and snapping, as her powerful internal magic began to knit her broken body back together.

“New Jersey.” She cooed with a sly smirk.

* * *

“Hmm. . . this was certainly, most unexpected.” Bartleby mused as he walked down the cracked streets on the outskirts of New Jersey. Ponies fleeing in terror, others bowing before this assumed super being.

“Is. . . is that a piece of Celestia’s mane?” Asked a colt, staring dumbfounded.

“Why yes, yes it is.” He said before grinning, “This is something I must keep always and forever.
Where am I any ways?”

“Why, New Jersey of course.”

“Of all the vile hell holes I could have appered in, I had to come here. To this vile hive, of wretched spray on tans, and fruity drinks!”

A Horror Show.

"You think you scare me?! Huh, You don't scare me!" The purple stallion yelled as he was dragged along down the hall, blindfolded. He cringed as a large metal door was slammed open, and slammed with much more enthusiasm.

"Quickly, we haven't all night now, do we?"

"A'ight, Ai'ght, We're strapping him in Na'."

The stallion grimaced as he was placed in the chair, manacles snapping down to restrain his forelegs to the uncomfortable chair.

"Now. . ." the man said removing the stallions blindfold with a flourish, "Be a good little horsey, and tell us when your bureau is expecting that shipment, hmm?" he purred.

"PISS OFF!"

"Oh, my my. what a dirty mouth," chuckled the man.

“I’m not telling you nothing, no way, no how,” growled the stallion as the man’s grin grew ever wider.

“Have you ever seen that movie. . . oh,I believe it was named, Saw 2?” he chuckled wheeling out a cart full of various nasty things. “Oh The Fun We’ll have tonight!”

"NO, NO Please. I, I didn't do anything to you!" screamed the stallion thrashing in vain against his restraints.

“Oh how I do enjoy my knives, Sharp to dull, they’ll loosen anyponies tongue.”

"Aw, what's wrong pony? Hmm, you're going to tell us the schedule of that potion delivery whether you want to or not."

"Bring it! you son of a donkey. you'll never get it out of me. Earth ponies are tough!" He Wavered, before gaining a moment of courage.

“I do love that, that big bright spark O courage the little earth pony possess, but do you know what I love more?” He smiled clasping his hands in front of himself, “I love to crush it, I love to see all hope disappear from those eyes, an animal should know it’s place in the pecking order.”

“. . . Your're not going to get away with this.”

“Oh but I’m afraid I am, you may live in a fairytale land, but did Mon know this? Did you know that most fairy tales are not happy, most are cautionary tales, Would Mon like me to tell him my favorite story, Oh how my mother loved to tell it so!” He said putting emphasis on the last few,”It was about a boy who lied to vagrant about who had stolen his food, and how the liar had his tongue cut out.” He sing songed

“Your. . .YOUR DERANGED!”

“Flattery will get you nowhere little pony.”

“I’m not gonna talk, any minute now my friends ar-!” The stallion stopped as the raven haired man's laughter drowned out his words.

“How funny, you underestimate us so much.” The raven man said with glee pinching the stallions cheek with a grin.

“But, they’ll come and get me.”

“We’ve done this before, many a time before in fact.”

“You-!” The stallion began to yell before being shushed by the man.

"Oh, I'm quite certain I'll have it out of you in the hour, want to know why?. . . Because I'm the best HLF has got." He smiled, now pushing a cart with an old television set in front of the stallion. He laughed as he slipped a set of blinders on to the poor creature.

"What's this, No knifes? Hah you think you can brainwash me punk!"

"No. . .I believe I can make you scream, Scream for your princesses nice and loud." He chuckled turning the television on.

". . .WHAT?! No, NOOOO~!"

'My little pony, my little pony'

"WHAT IS. THIS!?"

"Why? it's a cartoon back from the good Ol’ 80's, I thought you might enjoy." Chuckled the man, clicking his tongue against his teeth with a grin.

"THEIR, THERE LEGS ARE BENDING THE WRONG WAY! WHY THE FUCK ARE THERE LEGS BENDING THAT WAY?!" He screamed, looking into the Glassy eyed abominations on the screen, and knowing for the first time. True Terror.

*HI, I’m RAZZAROO!*

"Oh, I love this one, It has the MOST.MARVELOUS SONG, EVER!"

"AHH~!Song?! No. No.NOO~!" The stallion screamed,

<<<<<>>><<<<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Cooking By The Book.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F5Zv1pmHxQQ

<><><><><><><><><><>><><><><><><>

“To Bad. . . I thought you’d like that song.” He said grinning at the Pony, Mouth Barely moving with foam coming from his mouth.

“Aww, sleepy already? Why don’t we have a nice sit down, and watch the ‘Rainbow Caper’, why it’s only my favorite one!”

“. . .” The stallions eyes simply remained glazed and lifeless, all hope and love drained from his being. The door opened to the ‘FUN’ room with a bang.

“Gott DAMMIT! Ya broke another one.” Hissed the man. “How’s we supposed to find out when theys gonna bring in that potion if you keep doin Dat’ to’em?!”

“Get sturdier ponies that can withstand my methods,” Shrugged the man.

Musical Flaws

“BRING HIM TO HIS KNEES CRUSADERS!” Howled the commander of this particular group of Ponies, They stood clad in a mockery of proper armor, a saddle mounted potion launcher was had by most. The human they dragged over looked ruffled and dirty, for two days he had run from them. The small ginger man glared up at the captain as he looked down, smirking at his captive. “Any last words before you join the magnificence of the herd?. . .’Human’,” He spat the last word like it was poison. The small man could only sneer as he saw that odd flicker of hatred in this ponies eyes, something dark shifted behind the eyes. . . something truly empty.

‘Manhunters, I fuckin hate these pricks, give me the missionaries any Ol’ day,’ Benny thought to himself. It had started simply enough, got hired to spy on these guys. ‘Standard Exterminator contract and all by the missionaries of all people! It was shit like this that made him regret joining the wacked group of monster hunters.’

“Pitiful, I say we purify the wretch, and induct him into our group already,” Said a white mare, gray mane cropped short. Benny could only afford a slight glance at those large eyes they had. . . they weren’t like other ponies. These guys were given some really f’ed up potion, the thought of humans disgusted them, and manhunters had been known to ‘purify’ entire homesteads if allowed to group up, usually by attempting to burn them to the ground, they really didn’t give two shits if anyone survived as long as the humans were ‘taken care of’. Luckily whatever fucked up spell caused them to be made was fairly rare, and they could never seem to get there potions to produce that effect.

“Yeah, I gots one,” Benny said with a smirk ‘Time to take a page out of Mikey and Terry’s play book here,’ He thought. “I hear ponies are really good at singing.”

“Yes, that and many more things, ponies reign supreme in, much better than anyone else as a matter of fact,” Said one of the fifteen nutjobs proudly, lifting his head proudly into the air. “Why do you have to be reminded of these facts, worm?!” He spat suddenly, Benny flinched, everypony he knew back home weren’t like this at all. They tended to be dicks some of the time but they were like that even before they turned.

“I’d like to see if my singing will improve, and. . . I’d like you guys to listen to me sing so you could be the judge,” Benny smiled, pushing himself up a little bit from his prone position, only for a hoof to step on his neck and push him face down into the dirt.

“Hmm. . . we will allow this,” Said the commander, seeming genuinely pleased. “What will you sing for us?”

Benny cleared his throat for a moment, standing up now that the offending hoof had been removed from his neck. “Is this the real life, or is this just fantasy Caught with a landslide.”

“STOP! That’s wrong, you're singing it wrong!” Howled one of the ponies, snorting with a bit of rage, Stamping a hoof with disgust. “Watch as the ponies out shine your pathetic attempts, and leave you with your jaw dropped to the ground, BE AMAZED BY OUR SUPERIORITY!”

Benny could only smile as the ponies began to sing.

Is this the real life?

Is this just fantasy?

Caught in a landslide

No escape from reality

Open your eyes

Look up to the skies and see

I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy

Because I'm easy come, easy go

Little high, little low

Any way the wind blows, doesn't really matter to me, to me

Benny could only laugh as they began to dance and sway to their own stupid singing, and that’s when he felt the buzz in the air. . . he hated that feeling. That electric feeling that built to a crescendo higher and higher, more power flowing about the air, causing his breath to catch into his throat as ambient magic focused on the little impromptu show. Benny smirked as music flowed from seemingly nowhere, one of those weird latent pony power dealies.

Mama, just killed a man

Put a gun against his head

Pulled my trigger, now he's dead

Mama, life had just begun

But now I've gone and thrown it all away

Mama, ooo

Didn't mean to make you cry

If I'm not back again this time tomorrow

Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters

Benny slunk away from the group, headed towards the door, He had to move slowly and carefully, otherwise the bastards would snap out of there self induced trance and tackle him again, and her he wasn’t really that hardy to begin with!

Too late, my time has come

Sends shivers down my spine

Body's aching all the time

Goodbye everybody - I've got to go

Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth

Mama, ooo - (any way the wind blows)

Benny laughed as he crawled low to the floor, and out the door. Hastily hopping to his feet he took off at a swift jog toward the nearest ruins. He was home free, and those dimwits would be too busy arguing with one another to come and catch him. By then, hopefully, he’d have either a car or have found a nice hidey hole. Nothing, absolutely nothing could stop him now! Even now he could hear the song faintly as he placed distance between him and the homicidal nutjobs.

I don't want to die

I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all

I see a little silhouetto of a man

Scaramouch, scaramouch will you do the fandango

Thunderbolt and lightning - very very frightening me

Gallileo, Gallileo,

Gallileo, Gallileo,

Gallileo Figaro - magnifico

I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me

He's just a poor boy from a poor family

Spare him his life from this monstrosity

Easy come easy go - will you let me go

Bismillah! No - we will not let you go - let him go

Bismillah! We will not let you go - let him go

Bismillah! We will not let you go - let me go

Will not let you go - let me go (never)

Never let you go - let me go

Never let me go - ooo

No, no, no, no, no, no, no -

Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go

Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me

for me

for me

So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye

So you think you can love me and leave me to die

Oh baby - can't do this to me baby

Just gotta get out - just gotta get right outta here

Nothing could go wrong now, he smiled, glancing back at the now distant building. Nothing, He smiled as he walked into the sunset, and towards the old ruins.

Ooh yeah, ooh yeah

Nothing really matters

Anyone can see

Nothing really matters

Nothing really matters to me

Any way the wind blows...

* * *

*In The Ruins*

“KILL DAT SOME BITCH!” Screamed the madman, The rest of the loons howled like rabid animals, as they revved the engines to their motorcycles, Peeling Out, leaving skid marks along the asphalt as they looped and did doughnuts, Too hopped up on stems and the ‘funner’ alchemical goods the zebras provided. “FIND’EM, I WANNA MOUNT DAT PURTY LIL RED HEAD ON ME POINTY STICK!” He screamed with a sawn off shotgun held high, he fired once into the air. The engine roared with might, and the tires of the old chopper screeched. Seven rebar pikes adorned the back of the bike, spread like the fan of a peacocks tail, each post had no less than five heads mounted, each in varying levels of decay, Diamond Dog, Human, Griffin, at least one of every type was mounted as a trophy on the madman's chopper.

‘Shit,’ Benny thought to himself, peaking out from a storm drain, grimy and dirty, he clutched the small .22 revolver tightly in his hand. ‘This is going to be a long day. . .’

Christmas Event Entry: Not a Normal Christmas Story.

“You see, in this wondrous place, I do many wondrous things!” The man said as he walked about, two men in suits following closely behind.

“On behalf of the H.L.F. we thank you for your service, doctor?” The large goateed man began.

“Oh, let’s not bother with names, they’re quit. . . boring,” The man in the lab coat chuckled, as he walked along the catwalk.

“You see we don’t really have a problem, per say, but. . . your use of pony laborers bother us somewhat, it’s frankly a bit contradictory to our cause,” The other man said, clean shaven yet brawny like his near twin.

“Oh well, I ran into trouble with bonding certain experiments to their caretakers. It just so happens that the process is slightly easier for ponies, plus I can’t really afford to waste spare parts when they get killed,” The doctor chuckled. The two men laughed as well, albeit much more nervously, dealing with the ‘good’ doctor, you could never have the upper hand.

“Now as you see here this is where we hold the animals,” The doctor smiled, gesturing to the various creatures below. The two men stepped back in unison as they felt a resonating hatred.

“Hello Doctor!” A yellow coated mare called down from below.

“Hello Miss Tree!” The doctor called out and waved, looking in a completely different direction than the Mare. As the men squinted they could just make out what appeared to be bark covering her sides and back.

“Ah ha, yes. . . I made a few improvements on her. . . to help her not be mauled,” The doctor chuckled to himself.

“This fucker is crazy,” The man with the goatee whispered to his partner.

“I know that, but he’s the only one who can do what we need,”

“. . . you do see what I’m seeing, right?” Both men looked down out into the yard with it’s high solid fence. There appeared to be zombies moving various feed for the animals out of a storage shed.

“Uh, doctor. . . you never told us about, these,” The man with the goatee said, gesturing to the lurching figures following the pony on the ground.

“Oh yes, them. . . they’re my effort to ‘recycle’ all those lazy bodies lying about,” The doctor giggled. “Anyways, let us continue on with our tour.”

* * *

Miss Tree sat silently for a moment as she watched the doctor wander off. With a sigh she turned to her ‘helpers. “You two, stop eating that raccoon and listen.”

The two guilty pseudo zombies gave a guilty glance at each other, before one of them swallowed it’s meal. “Jez, Miz Treay?” one of them gurgled.

“Would you mind helping with this cage?” She said, gesturing towards one cage with some form of mutated monkey turtle things.

“Nuh Huh,” The rotter shook it’s head viciously. Refusing to go near the creatures cage.

“Oh yes you will, the doctor put you under my lead, so you will do as I ask,” The mare glared at the ‘not quite’ undead creatures.

“Jez Miss Tree,” The rotters nodded in argument. they paused as the poor foolish first one at the cage, was drug through the bars. Even the undead averted their eyes.

“Docktor says not go nere cagies,” One of the horrors said.

“Miss Tree, waht you wun us to tek car today?” This ‘not’ zombie was different, somewhat. It’s speech was of a better quality, and it seemed to think thing through. . . more or less.

“Oh Harold. . . just help me with these cages right quick, I need to get something.”Miss Tree said before trotting off to the shed.

* * *

“What we’re here to discuss is simple, sir. . .” The man with the goatee said glaring at the Madman across the desk from him, as he counted various toenail clippings, scooping each pile into jars, slowly. “Pay attention to us, sir. We need to know how far along the ‘project’ has progressed.”

“Oh it’s progressing fine, and the toe nails help me think, I know it may seem odd to you but genius is a little odd, now isn’t it?” The doctor smiled leaning forward. The two suited men recoiled a bit, it was always hard to tell if the man was about to do something drastic.

“We’re having to. . . reduce funding, we simply can’t keep up this expenditure of resources,” The goateed man said matter of factly. The world seemed to grow silent as the doctors smile faded.

* * *

“I’m not staying here any longer,” The poor pony tree hybrid said to herself as she trotted towards the storage shed. She had planned this out fairly well already, all she needed to do was open a few cages and she’d be able to leave unhindered.
She paused for a moment, looking at one of the rotters staring at her. “Poor poor creature,” She sighed looking at the name tag gracing the vest. “Harold, why are you standing about?”

“Gah?” Harold groaned, a line of drool escaping from the torn corner of his mouth. “I Is dowen, Sctuff.”

“. . . ok, you should go help the others. . . I need to get something from the shed,” Miss Tree started, growing uncomfortable under the dead man's gaze. She hated the way his eyes were always locked on her skull, but surely the doctor had nicked that brain eating thing, right?

“K,” He mumbled, righting himself somewhat before scuffling off towards his brethren. Miss Tree almost felt bad about what was about to happen to them, almost.

* * *

“Cut. . . funding, irresponsible use and expenditure of resources. . . Oh my, is that what you truly think of my grand ‘work’?” The doctor said flatly. The two men were not intimidated by the smaller man, but regardless kept their guns ready.

“Yes. . . your work has shown little progress on, well, any fronts. While the armor you’ve provided our troops is exceptional we find it financially irresponsible, you see our plight?”

“. . . Oh well, I guess I could have a run at making improvements to exist-,” The doctor frowned as he was cut off by the goateed man.

“You don’t seem to understand, there isn’t anymore projects you’ll be running, we’re taking what research you have. Doctor, you’ve become a liability to us as of now, and our organization has no more use for you,” The goateed man said as he pulled out his gun. “You're too much of a liability, and we plan on dealing with you.”

“Oh well, I understand,” The doctor sighed, the two men slowly shot looks of confusion at each other.

“You do realize we’ve been sent to kill you, correct?” The clean shaven man said.

“Yes and it’s rather unfortunate, but I guess you won’t be getting your christmas presents then,” The doctor smiled as men went pale, as they were lifted off the floor. “They were supposed to be a surprise, but I guess I have to ruin that now. . . what with me being fired on christmas and all. Meet Marco, the first successful candidate for the super serum project. The two men fired their guns into the large mans chest, who simply grinned.

“Nice to meet you two, I’m going to be the man guttin you today,” The large man chuckled, Patch work scars laced over his flesh like pieces of a puzzle, the two officials reeled as they were hurled against the wall.

“I do love hands on testing, don’t you gentlemen?” The doctor laughed, and laughed

and laughed. . .

* * *

Thirty or so ‘rotters’ ambled around, feeding the animals and such, and attempted to pull each other out of the more aggressive creatures cages when they were ultimately dragged through the bars. Harold shambled along, what left of his brain was more than capable of basic and some higher thought, but his accursed body wouldn’t move properly. . . such as his legs. It was with a great deal of focus he moved without tripping over his own legs, he was an unfortunate one. The doctor had found him after running over him when he got in his way. . . it mattered little that he was driving on the sidewalk.

“Gun hate dis,” He grumbled to himself. He cast a glaring eye to the ponies on the roof, busily hanging christmas lights and other ornaments. He froze as he tried to process the significance of pony walking along the wall. “Gah?” He shambled halfway out of sight, watching in wonder as the creature moved down into the yard, and in puff of green fire became a rotter like him. With a level of finesse not known to his kind he scrambled for a better hiding spot, and watched in mild horror as it began to open the big cage in the back, the one that held the most horrid creatures the doctor had.

“Gun get Way!” He shrieked as several two headed dogs rushed out of the cage, a few gorillas with a look in there eye one of burning intellect, and a monstrous hulk of a bat.

All hell broke loose as the first rotter began to writhe in the jaws of the dogs.

* * *

“Hah Free, I’m free!” Miss Tree laughed as she let her hind legs dangle in the wind, the changelings carrying her were of the strong sort, so she feared little of falling. “The agreement still stands, I tell you queen what she wants and I’m free to go, correct?” She smiled as one of the two nodded to her. She feared little of them double crossing her, after all plant ponies aren’t compatible with there little pods.

Far on the ground below Harold watched in horror as his ‘friend’ Miss Tree was kidnapped by the changelings, a severed arm flying in front of him brought his attention back quite quickly though to the things that were trying to kill them all.

“Dey, dey Taked Miss Tree!” He shrieked, scooping up the severed arm of his comrade. The others lay downed by the dogs, every once in awhile a large leathery form would swoop by, and carry one of them off in it’s jaws. Harold had little time for that, wading through the chaos clubbing things left and right.

The dogs had little interest in him, having instead locked there jaws tightly to the tasty rotters to slow to move out of the way. Harold locked eyes with one of the gorillas across the way, glaring for a moment the large muscular beast began to move away towards the security station. Harold followed, slow at first but getting up to a loping gait. He was glad he had been so limber in life.

He leapt over the prone bodies of his fellows, following the great gorilla. He instinctively knew what the intelligent brutes were up too.

“I come, too!” He howled as he caught up to them at the gate. The massive beasts towered over him, and snorted. Slowly they relaxed, gesturing to the gate house. “Righout!” Harold gurgled a bit, using the emergency situational entrance technique (Punching through the window), he clambered through and began to stare at the console momentarily, eyes glazing over as he looked at them. With a shrug he hit them all.

The gorillas charged through the open gate as Harold clambered out the way he came in. He cast one last glance at the yard, now in ever growing chaos as more cages had been opened. . . somehow, and charged after his allies.

* * *

They had stopped at the old abandoned mall for to rest and wait for nightfall, when the doctor would have more problems hunting them down. It had been left sometime ago, after some mass evacuation had left the area uninhabitable. The burnt out bodies of cars littered the lot, even looking at the place gave her chills. The changelings carrying her didn’t seem to mind either way though, and made no fuss as they gently flew through a collapsed sky light.

It was odd, like stepping into another world. The place was littered with ruined goods, let by old flickering emergency lights the darkness seemed to shift. “Ok, we’re safe here. I don’t think any of the doctors stuff heads out this way,” Tree said with a smile at the two changelings. A normal pony would have been reviled by her, but then again they weren’t half oak. However being a tree pony hybrid does not steel one for what happened next.

“Ho, HO. HO!” A tinny voice boomed throughout the darkness. Slowly the two changelings and pony tree hybrid all exchanged glances. Before she could protest Miss Tree was sweapt up, and they flew towards the skylight. Only to smash head first into a grate that hadn’t been there before.

“It’s, ITS A TRAP!” Miss Tree shrieked eyes bulging out of her head, they fell to the floor in a heap. The last thing she saw was a machine, that at one time may have been the spitting image of the jolly bearded man who lived up north. Time had done a number on him, exposing mechanical pieces and such.

“Someone has been, very, very naughty.” It chuckled. Miss Tree shrank back as mechanical forms moved through the darkness to ensnare them. She whirled but her protectors were nowhere to be found.

* * *

Harold rode up front next to the Gorilla, he could only stare somewhat puzzled as he shifted gears with ease, coaxing the truck to move in ways Harold could no longer do. . . he was somewhat curious as to where he had gotten a driving cap however.

In the back arguing could be heard, he had convinced several rotters to come along to save Miss Tree with him, but it sure did take a lot of convincing to get them to go. Luckily ‘negotiations’ involved smacking them about with a pipe, and they had soon decided to work with them, after they're already dead brains had been rendered to slush.

“Tha, Dey went thar!” Harold said leaning over the dash and pointing to the large derelict building in the distance. With a grunt his wheel man complied, gunning it. The sun loomed overhead as the gorillas and pseudo zombies sped off to rescue their ‘friend’.

* * *

It had gone off without a hitch so far, they had driven into the parking lot, and straight through the main entrance. The side doors of the large truck sprang open and the living dead spilled out, rearin for a scrap. The dead have many handicaps, but they tend to be off set by a few things. One of those benefits was darkness would not hide there prey.

“Get he!” One of the pale faced mooks groaned, pointing a crow pecked undead arm at the ‘man’ in the red suit. The ten or so other Rotters rushed past the ‘lead’ man, laughing merrily as they brandished any weapon they could find. . . in this instance it happened to be garden tools. Trowels, buckets, hedge clippers and lawn gnomes held high they rushed the ‘fat lord’ high on his throne in his domain.

“Oh HO HO HO!” The mechanical santa laughed as the army of ‘not’ zombies rushed him full force. “Your aiming for the naughty list quickly, aren’t you?” Setting aside the long mummified pony from his lap he stood on powerful mechanical legs. “SANTAS HELPERS, TO ME!” All throughout the dead mall, within the broken stores and amidst the spent shell casing of battle long ago. They came, creeping and clunking out of the stores, like the long dead. Machines, rusted in places, dented hides from the stray shots of foolish scavengers. They came out in a tide of broken. rusted. steel!

“FOR DA DOKtoR!” one of the dead creatures cried, lifting his garden hoe high.

“Gun saHve miss Tree!” Another rotter roared, hosting a cash register wrapped in chain, as though it were a ‘mildly’ unwieldy flail.

The rotters may have been dead, stupid, unwashed, smelly, (you get the picture) but they were much quicker than the machines, and they happily rushed headfirst to their doom. . . til they realized the fight was fair and even. They were routed before the battle proper had even begun.

“Dun Run AWA!” Shouted the ‘lead’ man. The rotters eyes glazed over for a second before he realized he stood alone now.

“Oh Ho ho. . . looks like we have a, naughty naughty boy here, doesn’t it?” The ‘jolly’ mechanized santa laughed. “Take him to the ‘TOY’ shop!”

“Guff’!” He cried out as one of the machines cuffed him hard, sending him sprawling. If anything, the living dead have a certain good qualities to them, a sharp blow to the head is not going to knock one out. It mattered little, with robust strength the machines dragged the rotter with ease, even as his nails tore at the old rotten carpet of the abandoned mall. “Dun gun get your’s, Da Fat MAN!”

* * *

“Gam, NAH!” The ‘lead’ man shrieked as the machines tossed him into the old daycare, now repurposed as a makeshift holding pen. before the unfortunates got to sit on santa's lap, to be judged naughty, or nice.

“Ha-harold?” Miss Tree asked hesitantly. Harolds eyes slowly focused on her, the lovely Miss Tree was standing in a flowerpot, her hooves sunk deep into the dirt. “Ha, they. . . don’t feed prisoners. . . it’s not like I enjoy this, mostly.”

“Wuah?” Harold eyed the ‘improved’ earth pony, staring at her roots for a moment, before shaking his head. “Wher-E we at?”

“A sort of holding cell, before they kill us,” She sighed, “There only ignoring me cause I’ve taken root. Harold you shouldn’t have came here, there going to kill you, again.”

“Gahragh. . . Miss Tree hel Us, we sav Miss Tree,” Harold groaned.

“Harold, I tried to run away, back to someplace that I don’t have to work, where they can make it so I’m not a freak show anymore!” Miss Tree cried, “I don’t want anyone to get hurt because of me.”

Harold stood stock still for a few moments, before glancing about the room. Broken chunks of wood, and wall lay about the old play area. Harolds eyes locked onto something he didn’t expect to see. A gun lying next to the partial skeleton of a man of some sort. Harold clutched the gun tightly. “I’ma take care dis,” He nodded, striding towards the grate that held them in.

Outside stood two poorly maintained security drones, each doodling about looking for more intruders to add to their masters catch. “Stay back, and await to be judged.” One of them crooned from there tinny speakers.

“I haz gan,” Harold said through a grin, *BOOM* the first dropped as the bullet punched through a weakened crack in it’s head. Apparently the previous owner had sought only to use it on himself, not stupid/ or brave enough to fight the machines, but Rotters have little use for such intelligence. Harold glared, swaying on unsteady feet as several bullets found their mark, impacting against his chest. “Owchie,” He groaned staggering back.

“HAROLD, GET DOWN!” Miss Tree yelled as the grate was blown to bits by makeshift explosives. Harold flew back, rolling to a stop in front of her pottery ‘bed’.

*Bring him to me, Oh Ho Ho* a voice called out over the intercom. Slowly three machines stomped in, and began to drag Harold back to the center of the huge mall.

* * *

“Gah?” Harold drooled, before a machine struck him again. His head lulled to the side for a moment, but other than that he was fine, being undead has it’s advantages at times.

“You’ve been very, very naughty.” The once jolly looking Santa esc machine laughed. All about his paint chipped ‘gold’ throne, and amidst the broken animatronic elves. “What would you like for Christmas. . . little boy,” The mechanical ‘jolly’ brute laughed. “Stand him up, it’s no good to have him sprawled on the floor.”

Harold groaned as he was dragged to his feet, trying his damndest to regain his senses. He began to attempt to wrench free of their grasp. It was impossible, the old machines were too well made to allow that to happen. “Wah you Gun Do?” Harold spat at the machine lord.

“Why, I’m going to judge you naughty, or nice. then you’ll get your present,” He gestured with that permanent smile on his hard molded face to a pile of mouldy bones on either side of him.

“You gun kill meh?” Harold glared, still trying to pull free. “You not do that, I’m already dead!” Harold grinned. The santa look alike seemed to consider this for a moment.

“Alright, bring his friend to me,” ‘Santa’ began to laugh as Harold redoubled his efforts to tear free. Several moments passed, Harold writhing in the machines grasp. There was the sound of ripping metal and nothing more. “You two, go and see what the problem is, we don’t have all day.”
Two machines, automated stocking equipment of some sort y the looks of there clamps, stomped off into the darkness. A metal head came back out, screaming across the distance like missle, striking the machine holding Harold with bone shattering force.

“Vile wretch, what sort of trick do you have up your sleeve?” ‘Santa’ demanded standing up from his accursed festive throne.

“I has Mohnkee, he has Bigga gan!” Harold grinned staggering to his feet and lunging at the metal man. Biting hastily with his teeth, but only causing superficial injuries as his rotten teeth bit into his latex flesh.

Out of the darkness strode a gorilla, it had found reason enough to dig through the ruins and was wearing an ill fitting suit, but what it held was a gun. One used by ‘small’ time monster hunters everywhere. The bore was large enough for a small child to stick in his hand, the scratched and rusted metal of the weapon spoke wonders of the hell it had seen. Large yet nimble hands pulled back the bolt, before blowing the head off of one of the machines.

The Santa look alike had no recourse or action, after the last group that raided the building most of his defenses had been disabled. How he hated those three humans and there Diamond Mutt.

* * *

Miss Tree lay stock still in the darkness, gnawing on the tendrils that had grown from her hooves. That was the worst part about staying on soil for long, she had no clue what would happen if she stayed on it for too long. Her ears perked up as shuffling footsteps could be heard in the darkness. “Harold?”

“Miz Tree, I’m here!” Harold called out as she stood.

“Thank you for saving me,” She said grinning at her undead ‘friend’. She epped as she was swept up into a hug, but soon enough gave in and hugged him back. . . that’s when she heard him sniffing her head.

* * *

“AREN’T.WE.HAVING. FUN YET!?” The doctor screamed in the two men's faces, they sat in spinning chairs, bound with christmas lights. The two men shook uncontrollably as a Griffin walked about, examining them.

“You guys want some more egg nog,were going to be here awhile longer,” The griffin said, offering a glass to the bound men. Slowly he raised it to one of their lips allowing them to drink deeply for a moment each. The Doctor had been ranting for the past three hours, and the staff had the good ‘fortune’ to be caught up in it. Broken gingerbread men rained down on them all as the doctor continued shouting, and ranting. No one really paid it any mind really, so far he hadn’t killed anyone so they felt fairly safe. Though he had blacked one of the lab techs eyes.

“Ok, so how the fuck do we get out of this alive?” The man with the goatee asked the griffin, strangely calm even as the doctor did his best to smash a break table, eventually giving up and instead ordering Marco to break it.

“You know, if you guys just keep quiet for a while and wait til his tantrums done he’ll probably will have forgotten what you said,” The griffin chuckled raising the glass to his beak again.

“How do you work here without losing it?” The other man in the suit said.

“I’m not going to lie, I’m well known at the local bars for a reason. All in all this isn’t that bad a way to throw a christmas party. . . considering he hasn’t killed or maimed anyone. . . yet.”

* * *

Rotten jaws clamped down hard, and Miss Tree winced. It wasn’t what she had really expected, but it wasn’t as bad as she imagined. Harold kept gnawing on her mane for another hour and all she could think about was simply this. ‘I’m never going to escape on christmas again.”

The Dresser Incident. (A Door Buster Caper Part 2)

“All right, we just go and get Vince that’s all,” Bert shouted as everyone piled into the van.

“Oh man, this is wonderful ya know? Well at least there aren’t any police ponies here yet.” John said leaping into the van with the trio.

“Yeah, but the fire ponies are. that means they’ll get here soon after they find out this isn’t a joke.” Bert said, speeding around the corner.

“She’s dead. . .” Benny whimpered, “I, I didn’t mean ta do it. . . I just, I just wanted her to stop. . .”

“Well, it’s not completely your fault, I, I shouldn’t have done that to you man. . .” John sighed, placing a hoof on Benny’s back. “Welp, let’s find a nice dumpster to dump her in.”

“Oh goo, we ar her,” Bruce sighed rubbing the bridge of his nose with two finger, as the Van lurched to a stop, Bert leaned on the horn as John stepped out.

“I’ll get your friend,” and with that flew up to his pent house.

* * *

“. . .You dad. . . Broke wonder bolts wing?” Vince said tilting his head curiously.

“Well yeah, but it was an accident,” Azure cringed at the memory.

“So, Is he allowed near flight ponies still?” Vince shot up right and turned toward the window with a growl, ear flattening back. “Somthink at window.”

“Oh, it’s just my dad,” Azure said walking over to the window. “Um, a little help?” He said shooting a glance at Vince, who simply stood there in a half crouch growling softly.

“Um, Vince. Can you open the window?” Azure said stepping back, now a little afraid.

“Um, sure,” Vince said sheepishly as he shook his head, Poking a finger into an ear to remove a bit of wax. He lumbered over to the window a threw it open with some agitation.

“Why pony not use door! Why nopony ever use doors?!” Vince growled.

“Hey buck-o, your friends want you Asap.” John grinned, Vince ears twitched a bit.

“Why Vince hear sirens. . .Hue-Mans can’t be left alone for hour!” Vince growled

“Sorry they need you now,” John said wrapping his forelegs around Vince’s arms.

“WHAT, NO. DOG NOT LIKE HEIGHTS, LET GO!” Vince shrieked in terror.

“Ha, I think you might want to rephrase that,” John smirked, “Sides it isn’t that bad.”

“Vince not have featherbrain like pegasus!” He shrieked latching onto John as tightly as he could. “Get us down safely!”

* * *

“Wha is takin so long?”

“I dunno,” Bruce sighed

“I’m so, so very sorry. . .” Benny whimpered stroking Candy Shores mane.

“SORRY, YOU WOULDN’T QUIT SQUIRMING THOUGH!” The van shook as something heavy fell on top of it. They watched with a wince as the large caninid form rolled off the top of the hood, and hit the ground with a thump.

“PEGASUSIS IS CLUMSY!” Vince howled, Before limping his way into the van. With that they sped off into the distance.

* * *

“Oh fuck, Just. . . Dammit!” Benny buried his face into his hands. “She’s DeAd!” He sobbed.

“Dammit Benny, she’s jus out cold Ya clocked her with that ash tray pretty good though.” Bert grunted as he drove.

“Oh, this is jus~ wonderful,” Bruce chuckled. He simply grinned at Vince as he poked the mares side with a claw.

“Us Diamond Dogs have history of taking pony for workings. . . We will not do this to her,” Vince growled.

“Of course not, we’d never enslave another like tha. We’re goin to be droppin her off by a hospital. . . or a bus stop. Whichever is least likely to get us caught,” Bruce smilled.

“Why the hell did we try and. . . Shit, does alcohol always give us the attention span of a four year old?” Bert sighed.

“Oh, I knew tha robbing Mr. Norris idea was out the window once we met him, and his son. I actually thought tha he’d be crazy enough to have money in some sort O vault in his apartment, how foolish.” Bruce sighed.

“But, but the stripper er dresser, what do we do with her?!” Benny panicked. “And, are, are you sure she’s alright?”

“Certain of it,” Bert assured him as he drove them away from yet another failed caper. “See, look. That there is a hospital over there, She’ll be fine. Lookit, See she’s breathin.”

“. . .No she isn’t Bert, She’s not breathing,” Benny whispered in a hoarse voice.

“Listen, she’s fine. We’re just gonna pull around back seeing as theres carts parked at the entrance, and then dump her at the service entrance.” Bert smiled grimly.

“Ha, an who says you can not dum you problems on others.” Bruce chuckled.

“Shut up you Cajun dick,” Benny hissed, as he cradled Candy Shores in his lap. Benny screamed as her eyes shot open. “Oh god, ZOMBI-!” Benny’s head slammed against the wall with a thud, as Candy Shores bucked him in the chest.

“YOU HIT ME YOU LITTLE PRICK!” She screamed lashing out at everyone within reach of her hooves. “I’LL KILL YOU!”

“Wait, now hold on!” Bert screamed, Van swerving to and fro down the road, Ponies skittering off the sidewalk, with screams of terror, now that the Van had hopped the curve. The gang all let out a unanimous scream of terror as the van collided with the lamp post.

* * *

“Everyone all right?” Bert moaned, pulling himself up right. “Why the fuck were you freaking the hell out!” Bert yelled at Candy.

“You're trying to kidnap me!” She snorted, pushing herself up. “I’ve done nothing wrong!”

“We were taking you to the hospital ya cunt!” Bert snapped.

“He hit me!”she screamed at Bert.

“d’OU WERE TwRYING TaO TOaUCH MEh!” Benny drooled. “An I tink d’ou broke my jaw. . . She p’roke my d’aw!” Benny drooled smearing the blood away from his mouth with a sleeve.

“I don’t belive you!” Candy stopped, as there was a quick knock of hooves against the door.

“Is everypony all right in there?” An earth pony said peering through the windshield. Bruce slid open the sliding side door with a grunt, and let the pony see them. “Good god, Good thing you had your accident here, you're right outside of the NewFoalsome medical center.”

“Oh. . . oh.” Candy shrunk back, ears flat against her head.

“D’eah.” Benny mumbled, Before sneezing, covering Candies face and muzzle with blood. With that, Benny passed out for the final time that day.