The Monster that everyone expects me to be
I can see the moon from my window. A large, silver coin, drifting in the dark waves of the sky. Clouds, flying by. Stars, blossoming in the darkness like flowers.
How many days is it up there by now? "Days". I cannot even believe that I dare to think it. Days. There are no days in this endless night. I can not even call it a night anymore. It is just smooth darkness without a dawn.
Was this really, what I wanted? I do not even know it anymore. I sit on my throne in the Nightstone Castle, which now marks Equestria's new capital city. Yes, I am the queen of Equestria now. Everypony trembles at my sight or when they lie the eyes on my nightsky. I really have everything I ever wanted.
But why am I not happy? I should be proud! I finally finished what I started so many moons ago. I am queen, Celestia is imprisoned in the sun and punished for her crime. Luna is in the moon. The Elements of Harmony are in a safe, so they can not harm me. No one will send me to the moon. Nopony! My reign is secured. But I cannot be happy.
Because those things, those desires, they never were mine. I look at the mirror in my personal chamber. I see a face, I do not know. A black mare with transperent, nightblue mane and those cyan eyes. They should be cold and harsh. But they look at me with the same helplessness and doubt, that I feel.
I know, what Spell Nexus and the other Children of the Nightmare think, when they look at me. They see Nightmare Moon. The tyrannt queen of Equestria. The ruler of the eternal night. They praise and honour me. But the other ponies fear me. I can hear them talk behind my back. And I know, what they say. I know, what they think.
Mirror look at me. The monster that everyone expects me to be.
But that is not me! This cannot be me? Is this really what I am suppose to be? A monster? I can hardly tell. And who I am to decide, who I am? A Cutiemark tells a pony their destiny. But I have none. Despite being a fully grown mare. I still have a blanc flank. Black as the sky above me. Does that mean I have no destiny? Does that mean I have no right to decide, who I am?
Twilight said time and time again, I am not Nightmare Moon. I am Nyx.
Does that mean I still can turn the course of history around? Does that mean I still can be me?
Oh, Twilight. When I close my eyes, I always travel back in time. It is so painful. That time has not been that long ago. But if I could choose, I would take this time, where I had a life, that was worth living. Where I knew nothing about Nightmare Moon! Where I had no hate in my veins.
I betrayed you all! Twilight, Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, Applebloom. I betrayed all those, who had loved me. For what? A thrown, a group of ponies, who serve not me, but an image they had made out of me. And the other ponies fear me now. My friends in exchange for power. For a power I never wanted.
It is killing me to fit Spell Nexus' expectations. He wants a tryrannt. A monster. A nightmare. I still feel so ashamed, sad and angry, when I think about what I have done. I have not only betrayed you, Twilight, but I hurt you so much more. You are in a cell of my dungeons. Together with my best friends! I imprisoned the rightful rulers of Equestria! I hypnoticed the Royal Guards to make them my slaves. I do not can call them servants. A servant is willing to do his job, a slave is forced.
Look, what I have done to you! It feels so wrong. But what else could I have done? They only see the monster I am supposed to be!
I do not want to be Nightmare Moon. But I cannot be Nyx again either. Nyx knew nothing about Nightmare Moon. Nyx lived her life, loved and sheltered by her mother Twilight Sparkle. She had friends, who loved her as well. But now everypony only knows me as Nightmare Moon. And they do not want to see beyond the monster. So I cannot give up. Surrender is no option. But I cannot continue either.
Oh, Twilight! I am so sorry, when I said, I felt ashamed of you being my mother! I only learned to value my life and what I had, when I lost it. And it is not that a mean stallion or bandit took it from me. I took it myself from me.
Or did I? It is hard to say, whose faulth it is. Spell Nexus' ritual brought me back to being Nightmare Moon. But I cannot accuse him of being the cuprit. What about Celestia? She took me away from you by force. I still get watery eyes and my hearth aches, when I recall this moment. What kind of monster takes a child from her mother?
And what about you, Twilight? You let it happen. I was so angry with you, when I returned as Nightmare Moon. I was also angry with you, when you appeared in my castle. I wanted to make you pay! I wanted to make you suffer! But you only wanted to appologice. Nothing more. You wanted to say that you were sorry.
And I forgive you, Twilight. More then ever. I miss you. I love you. I want you to be by my side.
What should I do? I never thought, that my life could become so difficult. I thought, the life was easy and solid. But that was just a dream. Have I fullfilled my fate? I could not run from it. I know play the worst part in Equestria's history again.
Can ponies change? And if so, can they ever see beyond the past sins, that are not even my own? Can they ever see beyond the monster, they expect me to be? Those mistakes of Nightmare Moon, they still haunt me. And they do not want to leave me alone?
And can I change? Can I ever be my own? There is something inside of me. I know, there is! I just have to find it. Then I can finally defeat my hate and my jealousy. I will be my own mare. Those mistakes will left me. Forgiveness is stronger then hate, isn't it? And the time will forget, what I have done.
And we will see, if I can be me.
