Family in Equestria

“So where can we stay whilst we’re here?” Mum asked, choking back a sob.

“Well, the Canterlot elite aren’t very nice neighbours and I doubt they’d take kindly to a family of aliens,” Princess Celestia said, “Twilight, are there any houses on sale in Ponyville?”

“I believe that there are a few, but they were left in pretty bad shape after the Nightmare Moon incident.” Twilight said,

“What price!” Princess Celestia questioned to the lavender unicorn,

“Ranging in prices, it depends, how many bits do you have?” She asked Dad,

“What the hell are bits?” Kevin said,

“Bits, you know, currency. Money,” Princess Celestia explained. I rolled my eyes,meet another problem. Money.

“We don't use ‘bits’.” Dad said, “we use pounds and pence. You can get 1, 2,5,10,20 and 50 pence coins. 100 one pennies adds to 1 pound. You can get 1 and 2 pound coins, 5,10,20,50 and rarely 100 pound notes,”

“I see, we use bits and bobs, bits being the equivalent to pounds and bobs being pence,” Twilight explained.

‘Bits and bobs, is she serious,’ I thought, ‘I mean, I’ve heard of bits, but bobs?’

“the cheapest house is roughly 1200 bits,” Twilight said, “how many of these pounds do you have?”

We immediately got out our wallets and started rifling through them.

“Credit cards will be useless here,” Kevin mumbled, “I got 73 quid in cash on me,”

“I have 58 pounds 63 pence,” I said,

“64 pounds,” Dad said,

“48 pounds 78” Mum said. I did a quick mental calculation,

“So in all we have about 315 quid, plus or minus a few pounds and pence,” I said.

“We can exchange that for bits and I will pay for your house,” Princess Celestia said. “Now if you will please excuse me, I have some important business involving the Gryphons to take care of. Do get acquainted with my student and her friends.” Princess Celestia left the room.

“Well, okay. Humans, these are my friends: Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rarity and Rainbow Dash,” Twilight said,

“Howdy y'all,” Applejack said, “what might y’all names be?”

“Not as gay as yours,” Kevin said under his breath,

“I'm Jonah,” I said, “this is my charming brother Kevin and my Mum and Dad, Sandra and Steve,”

“Well it's most pleasant to meet you, even if not all of you are pleasant,” Rarity said, glaring at Kevin.

“I'm Rainbow Dash,” Rainbow said, “I'm the fastest flyer in all of Equestria,”

I snorted, despite being a brony, I just highly disliked Rainbow Dash. Unlike all those unoriginal bronies who thought Rainbow Dash was god overlord of all things, I personally liked Rarity best. Oh, and Lightning Dust for best pegasus.

“Are you also the most big headed in all Equestria?” Kevin asked,

“You take that back!” Rainbow Dash said angrily,

“What are you going to do to stop me,” Kevin smirked, giving Rainbow the middle finger.

“Is that some sort of hand symbol, it looks like a tower to me,” Fluttershy asked,

Oh no. ‘Please Kevin, don't upset Fluttershy!’ I thought,

Kevin gave an evil grin. “Me putting up this finger,” He said, “is me telling her to find the nearest cliff and jump right off it,” Fluttershy shrank back.

“Well you better put it down before I snap it,” Rainbow Dash threatened.

“Is that a challenge?” Kevin chuckled, “I'll have you know I take boxing classes.”

It's true, he did. Mum was against them but Dad encouraged him, saying that it would come in use if he was ever being attacked.

“yes it is,” Rainbow Dash confirmed and before she could start attacking, Twilight yelled out,

“RAINBOW DASH!”

“What?” Rainbow said,

“You will not ruin relationships with these humans!” Twilight was pissed.

“Chicken?” Kevin drawled, I grabbed him and said,

“Look Kev, please don't fight her.”

He grunted and pulled away from me. Crisis averted. Kevin would have won anyway, he’s very strong.

“We're going to need clothes,” Dad said, “and I would quite like to find a scientific explanation for magic. It breaks our world’s laws of physics.”

“I believe clothes are my strong suit, darling.” Rarity chuckled, “pun not intended.”

“What's the deal with your arse tattoos?” Kevin asked,

“Excuse me?” Twilight asked,

“Those tattoos on your arseholes,” Kevin pointed to Pinkie Pie’s cutie mark, “is it a culture thing or something,”

“Oh, you mean cutie marks,” Twilight said, “a young pony gets one when they find out their special talent. Don't humans get them?”

“No. We don't have ‘special talents’ or ‘cutie marks’ Dad said,

“Wow, this is amazing.” Twilight said,

“Umm, what animals live on your planet?” I was surprised to hear Fluttershy ask,

“Too many to list,” I said, “Who is Nightmare Moon?” Of course I knew, but I needed to act like I didn't.

“Don't thou dare utter that name again, monster!” Luna ran in and charged me, tackling me to the ground.

“Ow, fucking hell Luna,” I yelled, forgetting she could hear me,

“How does thou know my name?!” She asked.

All eyes were on me.

Oh cock, how do I explain this?

My eyes darted around the room, every pony and human  was staring at me.

“Well you see, funny story actually, I uhh, I, heh. Lucky guess?” I asked hopefully.

“Don't lie to me, human.” Luna said, I sighed and replied,

“Look. Do ponies have televisions?”

“Tele-what nows?” Rainbow asked,

“Films?”

“Yes, we do have films,” Rarity confirmed. Pinkie Pie was being awfully quiet. Bad sign.

“Well you see a television is a device that plays films and television programs, which are 30 minute long episodes. And you see-“

“ourworldisatelevisionprograminypurworldcalledMyLittlePonyFriendshipisMagicandyouwatchitbecauseyou’reabrony!” Pinkie Pie yelled out.

“Say what?” Applejack asked,

“Wasn't it obvious, he had recognition in his eyes when he walked in and he seemed to know all the answers, I saw him mouthing them subtlety.” Pinkie explained.

“is this true?” Luna asked,

“Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye,” Pinkie said. I groaned. Kevin was chuckling.

“Secret is out, gaylord.” He laughed, “I can't believe you actually watched that faggot pony show, you're  fucking looser. No wonder you have no friends!”

I gulped. Luna was furious. I watched as she pummels Kevin, even using magic.

“It burns!” Kevin yelled as he was thrown into the wall.

“Thou shalt not utter such uncouth words ever again. Especially to your own brother!” Luna yelled at him. He shrank back. My eyes were wide.

“Jeez, no wonder her name sounds like lunatic.” Kevin grumbled. Luna turned to face him.

…

Let's just say his following injuries kept him in hospital for a few more days.