Family in Equestria

by MichaelTheBoss

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Human, Comedy
Length: 6510

A closet brony and his family are sent to Equestria. Enough said. Idea from Headsplit

Jonah the closet brony, Kevin the bullying older brother, a radical Christian mum, a scientist dad.
All pulled into Equestria. What will happen?

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-01-03 22:33:24 UTC

Why me?

You know, what did I do to deserve this? Why me, of all the 7 billion humans in the world? I didn't want this, even though it wouldn't be that bad if it was just me who ended up here.

Let me get down to detail. Once upon a time, that's how stories start, isn't it?

Once upon a time there was me. My name’s Jonah, I'm 15, male and quite handsome if I say so myself. I’m also a closet brony. Yeah, see the word closet there?

Sometimes I wish I could just have the courage to just come out and admit my love for ponies but with the gender stereotyping society of today’s world, it's hard. Not even my friends know, the only person who does know is my older brother, Kevin, and he's a complete and utter prick.

Kevin is 18 and leaving home come this September to Warwick Uni so I only have to put up with him beating the life out of me for 2 more months. And it's not just physical abuse, he teases me, taunts me, blackmails me, you name it Kevin's done it.

My mum is a radical Christian. The ‘Jesus Freak’ of the family. Luckily, she tends to leave us alone with our religions but she does drag us to church every so often.

My dad is a science buff, and is a GP at my local hospital, he is the one who brings in the cash for my family.

I live in Grantham, commonly known as the worst town in England. It’s a shithole of chavs, mugging and drunkards, well at least, I did live in Grantham, all that changed on a Friday afternoon.

,.,.,

“Hey there, faggot,” my charming brother said to me.

“Oh piss off, I’m trying to study,” I muttered so he wouldn't hear. I forgot that Kevin had supersonic ears. He pushed me off my chair and kicked me rather hard on my back.

“What did you say to me, fag, show some respect,” he spat on me and left, smirking to himself. I picked myself up and sat back down on my chair, wiping the spit off of my cheek and grumbling at yet another bruise that would appear tomorrow. I looked back at my paper: Physics. If I was lazy (and Kevin) I would just get dad to do the work for me, but I like to get on with my work, not force others to do it for me.

“Mum!” I yelled, “Can you please make me a cup of tea, I’m studying!”

“Fine!” Mum yelled back and I heard Kevin’s taunt from the living room,

“Mummy's boy,” he said.

“Don't tease your brother, Kevin,” my mother scolded him, but he never listens anyway, he’s a lost cause.

So there I was, doing my physics homework and drinking tea when I felt this tugging sensation. I looked up from my work, startled. Mum looked at me strangely,

“How are you doing that?” She asked,

“What?” I asked, “can you feel it too?”

“Yes,” she replied.

“Yo fag, whatever you did, stop it,” Kevin yelled.

“I didn't do it!” I said. Why does everyone blame everything on me?

“Steven, come here,” Mum called dad into the room. The sensations got stronger, like pins and needles but the pins have been dipped in lava and the needles are razor sharp. My head was swimming in crazy arcs as I finally collapsed and fell off my chair. I didn't even feel my legs hit the ground.

,.,.,

I rolled over in bed, snuggling into my sheets and enjoying the tickle of the nice soft grass beneath me. The nice soft grass. Grass. Grass!

I shot up into a sitting position and looked around wildly. I was in some sort of dark forest place, which looked strangely familiar but I didn't have time to dwell on that as I could see my other family members nearby starting to stir, including my charming brother, Kevin.

My mum was the next to awaken, and if I'm honest, I wish that she wasn't. Being the radical Christian that she is, I’m not really sure how she would react. My best guess was that she would freak the hell out.

She got up, twigs in her hair and she saw me and the others.

“Where are we?” She asked to me,

“I’m not sure,” I replied, but even as I said that, I had a gut feeling I knew exactly where we were.

Could we really be in Equestria?

Nah, that sort of stuff is reserved for lame fanfiction, I'm sure this is just a dream and I will wake up on the floor of my bedroom in a few minutes… Will I?

Kevin suddenly mumbled, “fucken’ idiot spiked my drink or something,” And rolled over, but I could tell he was awake when he picked up some grass and his eyes burst open, staring right at me.

“where the hell are we, dickwad,” he said to me.

I didn't reply as I could see behind him a pair of startling green eyes.

“Kevin,” I said rationally, “come very slowly over here and don't make a sound,”

“why should I listen to you?” He snorted but I simply pointed behind him and he screamed and scrambled over to mum and I. Too late, his noise had disturbed the creature and it came into our little clearing. Once I saw what it was, my suspicions had been confirmed.

“DEMON!” Mum cried out.

“Mum, calm down and get dad, Kevin and I will distract it,” I said. Mum nodded and ran over to dad.

Trust my luck for the timberwolf to charge me first. Kevin, being the supportive brother that he was, laughed his head off at my performance with the wolf, but that laughter soon turned into fear as the timberwolf gave up on me and charged him.

How does one defeat a wooden wolf? How did they do it in the show?

I couldn't remember but I soon saw what Kevin had in his hand. A lighter.

How would one defeat a wooden being? Fire.

Kevin quickly pulled a branch off a tree and I threw a stone at the timberwolf to buy him some time to light it. The wolf charged me and out of the corner of my eye, I saw mum and dad together, mum praying and dad holding her defensively.

Kevin lit up the stick and as the timberwolf ran past him, he lunged and the flaming stick entered into its body. The wolf looked confused for a second, then it started thrashing around and it lit on fire from the inside. Kevin peered at it in grim satisfaction as it perished.

My mum shrieked and ran over to us, hugging us and said to us,

“Don't you dare scare me like that again,”

Kevin pushed her off of him but I just accepted the hug as I realised the truth:

Stuck in Equestria, in the Everfree Forest with no idea if we can get back or not.

"Hey faggot," Kevin said to me, "you're lucky I saved your worthless ass back there."

Second Degree

Fucking bullshit,” my dad repeated. I looked at Celestia’s face, expecting to see a furious expression, but instead of furious, she looked highly amused,

“Are you sure about that?” She asked, I could hear the bemused tone in her voice,

“Yes.” My dad said, “the planet orbits the sun, and the moon orbits the planet. Whatever fairytale you are telling your subjects, it's a lie.”

“Is that so?” Celestia cocked an eyebrow, “perhaps you would like a demonstration, how about that?”

“I am 45 years old, I don’t think so, I know so. I know that you are lying,” Dad retorted. Celestia grinned,

“well I am 2374 years old. I have ruled over my subjects since I was barely 100 years old. Whatever you have seen, I have seen hundreds of. I have watched hundreds on generations gone to dust and I raised the sun for them all. I am Princess Celestia Sol, The Raiser of the Sun.”

“I have no proof of this apart from what you say, which could very well be lies,” Dad replied, adamant that he was correct.

“You should watch this, it's time for the sun to lower,”  Celestia said. My dad smirked, confident that he was going to see a normal sunset. I, of course, knew he wasn't.

Kevin was next to awaken, his body looked badly burned all over, as if someone or something had set him alight with flame. I can only hope it wasn't because he angered Celestia before my dad and I woke up. Mum wasn't in the room.

“son of a bitch, that faggot horse set me on fire,” he grumbled.

Dad looked around at him, expecting to see mum as well.

“Where is my wife?” He hissed angrily.

“I assume that was the female. She’s in the infirmary. In major shock,” Celestia said, “may I ask what happened?”

“Her whole religion broke down in front of her,” Kevin said, “she has every right to be in shock, but I’ll be damned if she actually stops believing it,”

“I see,” Celestia said, “we can see her right after I lower the sun,”

My dad narrowed his eyes,

“Alright,” he agreed. We walked to a balcony and Celestia closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. Celestia closed her eyes in concentration, wings spreading and lifting her until she was hovering in the air, horn powered brightly up. The sun started to move and I looked at my dad, who was completely flabbergasted, but that's when a wave of fire hit my body.

And it burned.

The world was fire, everything was fire, all hail the fire.

And with fire, came pain.

Unbearable pain all over my body.

I heard Celestia gasp in horror, I couldn't open my eyes for the pain was too much. Eventually I gave into it and blacked out. The last thing I heard was my dad weakly utter one word,

“Incredible.”

,.,.,

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

maybe that whole go to Equestria was bullshit I made up in my mind.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEE-

Goddammit where’s the snooze? My hand flailed around of the edge of my bed, searching for my bloody alarm clock. My hand smacked against some sort of machine and I cried out in pain and shock,

“Ahh, son of a bitch, what was that?” I groaned.

I may have overshot my alarm clock and hit my bookcase. Either that or I’m in Equestria with my family. I really hope it's the former.

I reached out again, and once again hit the machine. I guess I am in Equestria then. My alarm clock was nowhere to be found, that beeping must be a heart monitor thing, whatever they’re called. I listened to what I could here:

“-pain of a second degree burn all around the body, but no physical damage has been discovered-”

“-somehow reacts badly to magic, healing magic included-”

“-scans say they are perfectly healthy, the only reason must be-”

“Call in an expert, I’ve never see-”

Well, from what I can hear, that all sounded delightful. I can't open my eyes, it's like they are glued together or something. I hope my family is okay, even Kevin. My stupid, bloody, bully of a brother, and I just hoped he was okay.

I groaned.

“Holy Celestia, he’s awake!” Shouted what I could only assume was a Doctor. “Give him a morphine shot, don't use magic, it would theoretically just make his pain worse!”

“Yes Doc!” Called someone else, who I could hear coming closer. I groaned and tried to move,

“Shh, it's okay,” she muttered soothingly, “everything's going to be fine, we’ll find out what’s wrong and heal you. You’ll be fine.”

I could only hope that was true.

,.,.,

“Wake up, human,” said a voice. I didn't listen, rolling over and slamming the pillow over my head.

“Human, you’ve been drugged out for 3 days, you need to get up,” the voice repeated.

“Don't want to,” I muttered.

“Human, up now. You have very important ponies to see,” the voice said. I grumbled and groaned some more. Waking up and getting out of bed is no average teen’s strong suit. That is the one of the only things Kevin and I have in common, we can never wake up easily.

Speaking of Kevin, I can hear him now,

“FUCK THAT SUN BITCH, FUCK YOU ALL, FUCK THIS FUCKING GAY RETARDED SHIT!”

Yep. Definitely Kevin.

I opened my eyes to be greeted with a popcorn style roof. I sat up on the edge of my bed, running a hand through my now greasy hair. I needed to shower badly.

I slowly stood, the pony I could assume was the doctor held out his hoof for me to hold on to and I took it. I walked s few steps, stumbled, and fell onto my arse.

I sighed. It's going to be a long day.

What Does It Mean To Be Human?

After a morning of learning to walk again, I was brought lunch; daisy sandwich, can't eat that, various salads, not a fan but I'll eat it. Hay, can't touch that. No meat. I imagine I'll hear Kevin any seco-

"WHY THE FUCK IS THERE NO BLOODY MEAT, ARE YOU ALL QUEER OR SOMETHING. I CANT EAT THIS SHIT!"

Aah yes, there he is.

"I apologise for my brother's rude and vulgar language, he means that humans are omnivores and meat is part of our diet, so if you have any meat that would be great," I explained to the nurse who brought my food,

"Okay, I believe we have some ham and tuna for griffin patients, I can get you some of them," she said, taking away the tray of pony food.

I sat around, alone with my thoughts until the nurse brought the tray back, this time with a tuna sandwich and fries. Much better, apparently Kevin thought so too,

"WELL ITS ABOUT TIME, SOMETHING I CAN ACTUALLY EAT!"

I sighed and bit into the sandwich, tasting the savoury tuna for the first time in a long time. I wonder where mum and dad are?

"If you could please hurry up, there are important ponies who need to see you," the nurse said impatiently. I finished the sandwich and the nurse led me through the hospital, past Kevin's bed, who gave me the middle finger, and into a room at the back of the hospital.

,.,.,

The first thing I saw was my mum crying and Princess Celestia and my dad comforting her, then I saw the Mane 6 in the corner awkwardly standing. My mum looked up to see me and rushed over to embrace me. I hugged her back and I heard Kevin snort and say,

"Gay,"

I pushed mum away and glared at him. Princess Celestia cleared her throat,

"Ahem, I am so sorry for what happened with me lowering the sun. We figured out the problem; you come from a world devoid of any type of magic and when you encountered magic here for the first time, your bodies reacted violently towards it causing the burning sensation. We'll have to be careful when using magic around you two," Princess Celestia explained.

Kevin suddenly pointed at Twilight,

"I know you!" He spluttered, "you're the bitch who put me up against a tree and lit me on fire!"

Twilight shrank back under Kevin's angry glare. Princess Celestia returned an evil more powerful one,

"I don't care how you were brought up, human, but you are in my lands and therefore under my rule, you will not ever insult my student again and you will not use vulgar language ever again,"

"Yes mother," Kevin mocked. Princess Celestia exploded with rage,

"YOU WILL NOT MOCK ME IN MY OWN PRESENCE, IN MY OWN PALACE, BE VERY CAREFUL, HUMAN, FOR I AM CELESTIA SOL, THE WRATH OF THE SUN!"

Kevin shrank back, even I was shocked, in the show Celestia had never shown that much rage. When I looked at her, I saw her smirking, I guess it was just to put Kevin in his place then. Twilight said,

"As I was saying back in the Everfree, my name is Twilight Sparkle, I'm very sorry for the way I brought you here, but I was worried at confused. I'm very interested in your species, is there one of you that I could talk to about this?"

"I believe that is my string suit, but my wife and sons know a lot of things I don't." Dad said,

"How about a q and a?" Twilight suggested,

"Okay, you start," Dad said,

"How many humans are their on your home planet?" Twilight asked,

"4 less now," I muttered,

"About 7 billion," Dad replied,

"7 billion," Twilight whispered astonished,

"What other intelligent races are there in this planet?" Dad asked,

"Griffins, Changelings, Minotaurs, Dragons amongst others," Twilight said, "what about you?"

"Well, humans are the only intelligent life, that being said dolphins are extremely social, but you don't see them building underwater cities. There is plenty of non intelligent life though," Dad said, "what is a pony average life span?"

"On average it's about 120 years, most if they are healthy make it to 135 or above, 138 being the current record," Twilight said,

"Amazing, for humans it's usually a feat to get high 80s,"

"But… That's too young!" Twilight said, eyes wide in shock, "okay, so, what does it mean to be human?"

"I'll answer this," I said, "to be human means to not just to be a survivor, but to be a victor. The human race survived every threat nature threw at us. Humans created technology, we had no aid of magic, just our heads, trial and error and ideas. We created machines of wonder, a creation where almost every human was connected to called the Internet, where you could create websites for electronic games, information websites and all sorts.

We created rockets to take us to the moon without aid of magic. We broke the atom. We took an atom and we smashed it just to see what would happen. We unleashed nuclear bombs onto our own planet, we had two world wars!

Humans are crazy, dangerous, creative and I could go on for hours, but humanity is unique. Humanity is special. Humanity is amazing." I finished my speech. Every pony in the room was staring at me like I was some sort of alien- well I suppose I am. Their jaws were dropped so low I could see down their throats, cartoon logic. Kevin seemed grossed out by this display of mouths.

"Wow," Princess Celestia said, "I assure you we will search for a way to return you to your incredible sounding world, but for now, you are in my land and under mine and my sister's rule, if you break our laws you will be punished accordingly."

I wonder what time period of the show we're in? Princess Celestia and Twilight are here, and the other mane 6. Luna has been mentioned so we must be after Nightmare Moon. I'll have to start piecing the clues as we go along I guess.

LUNAtic

“So where can we stay whilst we’re here?” Mum asked, choking back a sob.

“Well, the Canterlot elite aren’t very nice neighbours and I doubt they’d take kindly to a family of aliens,” Princess Celestia said, “Twilight, are there any houses on sale in Ponyville?”

“I believe that there are a few, but they were left in pretty bad shape after the Nightmare Moon incident.” Twilight said,

“What price!” Princess Celestia questioned to the lavender unicorn,

“Ranging in prices, it depends, how many bits do you have?” She asked Dad,

“What the hell are bits?” Kevin said,

“Bits, you know, currency. Money,” Princess Celestia explained. I rolled my eyes,meet another problem. Money.

“We don't use ‘bits’.” Dad said, “we use pounds and pence. You can get 1, 2,5,10,20 and 50 pence coins. 100 one pennies adds to 1 pound. You can get 1 and 2 pound coins, 5,10,20,50 and rarely 100 pound notes,”

“I see, we use bits and bobs, bits being the equivalent to pounds and bobs being pence,” Twilight explained.

‘Bits and bobs, is she serious,’ I thought, ‘I mean, I’ve heard of bits, but bobs?’

“the cheapest house is roughly 1200 bits,” Twilight said, “how many of these pounds do you have?”

We immediately got out our wallets and started rifling through them.

“Credit cards will be useless here,” Kevin mumbled, “I got 73 quid in cash on me,”

“I have 58 pounds 63 pence,” I said,

“64 pounds,” Dad said,

“48 pounds 78” Mum said. I did a quick mental calculation,

“So in all we have about 315 quid, plus or minus a few pounds and pence,” I said.

“We can exchange that for bits and I will pay for your house,” Princess Celestia said. “Now if you will please excuse me, I have some important business involving the Gryphons to take care of. Do get acquainted with my student and her friends.” Princess Celestia left the room.

“Well, okay. Humans, these are my friends: Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rarity and Rainbow Dash,” Twilight said,

“Howdy y'all,” Applejack said, “what might y’all names be?”

“Not as gay as yours,” Kevin said under his breath,

“I'm Jonah,” I said, “this is my charming brother Kevin and my Mum and Dad, Sandra and Steve,”

“Well it's most pleasant to meet you, even if not all of you are pleasant,” Rarity said, glaring at Kevin.

“I'm Rainbow Dash,” Rainbow said, “I'm the fastest flyer in all of Equestria,”

I snorted, despite being a brony, I just highly disliked Rainbow Dash. Unlike all those unoriginal bronies who thought Rainbow Dash was god overlord of all things, I personally liked Rarity best. Oh, and Lightning Dust for best pegasus.

“Are you also the most big headed in all Equestria?” Kevin asked,

“You take that back!” Rainbow Dash said angrily,

“What are you going to do to stop me,” Kevin smirked, giving Rainbow the middle finger.

“Is that some sort of hand symbol, it looks like a tower to me,” Fluttershy asked,

Oh no. ‘Please Kevin, don't upset Fluttershy!’ I thought,

Kevin gave an evil grin. “Me putting up this finger,” He said, “is me telling her to find the nearest cliff and jump right off it,” Fluttershy shrank back.

“Well you better put it down before I snap it,” Rainbow Dash threatened.

“Is that a challenge?” Kevin chuckled, “I'll have you know I take boxing classes.”

It's true, he did. Mum was against them but Dad encouraged him, saying that it would come in use if he was ever being attacked.

“yes it is,” Rainbow Dash confirmed and before she could start attacking, Twilight yelled out,

“RAINBOW DASH!”

“What?” Rainbow said,

“You will not ruin relationships with these humans!” Twilight was pissed.

“Chicken?” Kevin drawled, I grabbed him and said,

“Look Kev, please don't fight her.”

He grunted and pulled away from me. Crisis averted. Kevin would have won anyway, he’s very strong.

“We're going to need clothes,” Dad said, “and I would quite like to find a scientific explanation for magic. It breaks our world’s laws of physics.”

“I believe clothes are my strong suit, darling.” Rarity chuckled, “pun not intended.”

“What's the deal with your arse tattoos?” Kevin asked,

“Excuse me?” Twilight asked,

“Those tattoos on your arseholes,” Kevin pointed to Pinkie Pie’s cutie mark, “is it a culture thing or something,”

“Oh, you mean cutie marks,” Twilight said, “a young pony gets one when they find out their special talent. Don't humans get them?”

“No. We don't have ‘special talents’ or ‘cutie marks’ Dad said,

“Wow, this is amazing.” Twilight said,

“Umm, what animals live on your planet?” I was surprised to hear Fluttershy ask,

“Too many to list,” I said, “Who is Nightmare Moon?” Of course I knew, but I needed to act like I didn't.

“Don't thou dare utter that name again, monster!” Luna ran in and charged me, tackling me to the ground.

“Ow, fucking hell Luna,” I yelled, forgetting she could hear me,

“How does thou know my name?!” She asked.

All eyes were on me.

Oh cock, how do I explain this?

My eyes darted around the room, every pony and human  was staring at me.

“Well you see, funny story actually, I uhh, I, heh. Lucky guess?” I asked hopefully.

“Don't lie to me, human.” Luna said, I sighed and replied,

“Look. Do ponies have televisions?”

“Tele-what nows?” Rainbow asked,

“Films?”

“Yes, we do have films,” Rarity confirmed. Pinkie Pie was being awfully quiet. Bad sign.

“Well you see a television is a device that plays films and television programs, which are 30 minute long episodes. And you see-“

“ourworldisatelevisionprograminypurworldcalledMyLittlePonyFriendshipisMagicandyouwatchitbecauseyou’reabrony!” Pinkie Pie yelled out.

“Say what?” Applejack asked,

“Wasn't it obvious, he had recognition in his eyes when he walked in and he seemed to know all the answers, I saw him mouthing them subtlety.” Pinkie explained.

“is this true?” Luna asked,

“Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye,” Pinkie said. I groaned. Kevin was chuckling.

“Secret is out, gaylord.” He laughed, “I can't believe you actually watched that faggot pony show, you're  fucking looser. No wonder you have no friends!”

I gulped. Luna was furious. I watched as she pummels Kevin, even using magic.

“It burns!” Kevin yelled as he was thrown into the wall.

“Thou shalt not utter such uncouth words ever again. Especially to your own brother!” Luna yelled at him. He shrank back. My eyes were wide.

“Jeez, no wonder her name sounds like lunatic.” Kevin grumbled. Luna turned to face him.

…

Let's just say his following injuries kept him in hospital for a few more days.

Clothes! Whoopie!

Walking through Ponyville that first time. I tell you, it was so familiar to me  yet nerve wracking at the same time. Ponies were staring at us. I couldn't blame them though, if the roles were reversed, had it been a pony family walking down one of the streets in Grantham they would get started at too. Or mugged. Whichever.

Kevin was still bruised and angry about getting completely humiliated by Luna in front of the mane 6, the family, me and Princess Celestia. He had his fists tightly clenched and was muttering,

“Why are they staring? Make them stop staring!”

Dad still marvelled at any sight of magic, seriously, any sight at all. I had a feeling he would turn our basement into a lab and start research right away.

Mum was more zoned out then I would've liked. She used to be so bright and cheerful, but ever since we got here she’s been getting less and less cheerful and happy. I can't blame her though. If my core belief came crashing down right before me, I’d end up like her too.

I don't think she’s going to stop believing though. If I know my mum, and I do, she’s persistent, no matter what happens, she’ll always did room for her faith.

And me? I was trying to figure out what time period of the show we are in. I can tell it's before season 3, Twilight is still a unicorn, but beyond that, I have no idea.

We arrived at our house, it was a nice little place, rather quaint. It had a kitchen, dining room, lounge, two bathrooms, three bedrooms and a small garden.

“This place looks cosy,” I commented,

“Indeed,” Dad replied, “We’ll have to get some new clothes off of that white unicorn,” he chuckled, “it sounds rather ridiculous when you say it aloud,”

“This whole thing sucks,” Kevin grumbled, “I better not be sharing a room with that little shit,”he gestured towards me,

“There’s plenty of rooms,” Mum said absently.

“Good,” Kevin said, “that dickhead has already got me into enough shit,”

“Hey,” I replied indignantly, “half of it was you running you own stupid mouth anyway,”

“What did you say?” Kevin rounded on me,

“I said you’re a massive prick and a rubbish brother to have,” I said with bravado in my voice.

I’m an idiot. I knew Kevin was way stronger then me but I always tried to stand up to him, and when I do, it always ends in him beating the bullocks out of me. Luckily, Dad was there to stop him.

“You two, can you stop fighting for five minutes?” He exclaimed loudly.

“I’m going out to get my clothes,” I grumbled and stormed out the door.

I walked down the dirt path, feeling awful. I was still being stared at, which was not helping my feelings at all.

As I neared Rarity’s I got fed up with all the staring. I stood to my full height and yelled out,

“Alright listen up, ponies!”

The ponies almost all fainted in synchronisation.

“I am a human! Your Princess brought my family and I into this world when she was messing around with magic she didn't understand. We’re going to be in town for a while so get used to it! And stop staring! The last thing I need is my brother going mental because you’re all staring at him!”

The ponies soon went back to their normal business. I caught a few of them shooting glances at me but I pretended to ignore them. I knocked on the door of Carousel Boutique.

The door opened, not to reveal Rarity like I expected, but to reveal Sweetie Belle, a very scared looking Sweetie Belle.

“Hi,” I said, trying to break the ice, “is Rarity in, I need to speak with her,”

Sweetie Belle screamed and slammed the door.

“Rarity!” I heard her yelling, “monster!”

Rarity next came to the door,

“Stay away you ruffian!” She yelled as she opened the door, saw my unamused face and said,

“Ahem, sorry about that, Joey was it?”

“Jonah,” I corrected, “I’ve come for some new clothes,”

“But of course,” she replied, “come on in, sorry for all of that, I can get rather protective of my little sister.”

“It’s fine,” I said, warming to Rarity quickly. She always was my favourite mane 6,

“So what clothes do you have in mind?” Rarity asked me,

“Oh, casual clothes. T-shirts, jeans, tops, hoodies. That sort of stuff,” I replied,

“I can do that, just let me get your measurements,” she said, “right through the here please,”

I followed her into her work room.

“Okay, take off your clothes,” Rarity said, the casual way she said it startled me,

“Excuse me?” I needed confirmation,

“Take off your clothes, I need accurate measurements,” Rarity explained,

“I’ll take off my jeans, top ad hoodie,” I compromised, “not my boxers though,”

“What are boxers?” She asked,

I sighed. I was going to have to give her the talk of why humans where clothes all the time.

“Look, you’re a pony. You have fur to cover your private areas so you don't need to wear clothes every day. I’m a human, I have no fur, if I took off my boxers my privates would be exposed, you see where I’m coming from?” I explained,

“Oh,” she said, blushing heavily, “oh, yes I see. Very well then,”

I took off my jeans and top, putting them in a pile and let her measure me,

“So do you and your sister live here alone?” I asked her,

“Yes, it's a pain having to look after her all the time though,” Rarity replied,

“I can't exactly relate, but I understand”, I said.

“Why is your ghastly brother so, well, ghastly?” Rarity asked me,

“I don't know?” I replied, “he’s been like that for as long as I remember. He likes to be the alpha, that’s for sure. If you ever figure him out, please tell me right away,” I said,

Rarity laughed. Man, I’ve already gained the friendship of one of the mane 6, how hard can it be to befriend the others?

Answer: A lot harder then I expected. No thanks to Kevin.

My Dad Has Major Balls

I simply sighed at Kevin, not wanting to start a fight in front of mum and dad. No matter how much he aggravated me, we are in The Everfree, lost and have just been attacked by a timberwolf, not exactly the plans I had for my Friday afternoon.

“my two boys killed a demon,” my mum said in awe, “I assume we will wake up from this trance the demon put on us and be back in our house,”

“listen mum, I know where we are,” I tried to say but she cut me of at know,

“We will return home, won't we?”

“Well, whatever science brought us here, it must be incredible. We appear to have teleported!” Dad said excitedly, “we could be anywhere! We are the first humans to ever have teleported, this is historic!”

“Dad, shut up,” Kevin said, pissed off.

“Don't you speak to your father like that! Whatever has happened, I suggest we all pray for Father God to save us,” mum said,

“I suggest we get the fuck out of this forest. Goddamnit, this is all your fault Jonah,”

“How the hell is this my fault?” I cried out,

“It's always you, it's beginning to get as cliché as it always being the butler!” He said,

“It was never Alfred!” I argued, referencing Batman,

“Are you trying to start a fight?” Kevin asked me incredulous,

“You started it when you first started bullying me!” I cried out.

I saw red, I was so angry with Kevin, I forgot how strong he was, I forgot he could snap me like a twig if he wanted to. I charged him, hands bundled up into fists and swung a wild right hook. He ducked and delivered a hard punch to my stomach, causing me to double over. When I did, he followed through with a vicious uppercut which snapped my head back. I reckon if it was any harder it would have killed me there and then. Maybe he should have killed me, it would have saved a lot of trouble later on.

I fell to the floor and groaned in pain.

“Are we done yet fag?” Kevin asked,

“Not by a long way,” I declared and stood back up, ignoring the aching pain in my stomach. We circled each other, I was judging where he was weakest, Kevin was probably just doing it to humour me. I knew he relied on his right arm more then his left, so I formulated a half arsed plan: Fake a right lunge, deliver kick to his side, discombobulate, push over.

My plan half worked, I managed to kick him, but when I went for the discombobulate, he grabbed me left arm and twisted it round my back. I head butted him and we both stumbled away from each other. Kevin cursed. I grumbled.

“STOP FIGHTING!” My dad roared at us.

,.,.,

TWILIGHT SPARKLE POV

,.,.,

I trotted along to Zecora’s, wary of timberwolves as Fluttershy told me this is now their mating season. I smelled smoke, but thought nothing of it as I started to near a particularly bad patch of poison joke, which I carefully avoided. I could here scuffles from the forest to my right, beyond the poison joke, but I assumed it to just be timberwolves until somepony cried out,

“STOP FIGHTING!”

That didn't sound like anyone from Ponyville.

I couldn't walk through the poison joke, and Zecora's can wait, these ponies could be in trouble and who better fit to help the the Element of Magic herself?

The sound the ponies were making got louder, didn't they realise that they would be attracting a ton of timberwolves?

I entered a small clearing where I estimated the sound was coming from and said,

“Hello, I’m Twilight Sparkle, who ar-“

I didn't finish that sentence.

,.,.,

JONAH POV

,.,.,

My head ached, mum was crying.

“Nice job shithead, you made mum cry,” Kevin said. I resisted the urge to punch him again.

“Oh, so now it's all my fault once again,” I retorted. He just looked away and his mouth formed a O shape as he looked behind me,

“Hello, I’m Twilight Sparkle, who ar-“ said Twilight, who just so happened to conveniently show up and appear here just as we had finished fighting.

“It's one of the four apocalypse horses!” My mother cried out and started praying,

“Dear Lord Jesus, I acknowledge that you lied down your life upon the cross for me and took the burden of all my sin and on the third day you rose again, I rebuke this demon in the name of God almighty, BEGONE!”

Kevin chose that time to say,

“Oh my bejesus, its one of your gay little pony freaks!” Kevin said, finding this whole situation hysterical. That was, until Twilight’s magic lit up and lifted Kevin and held him against a tree. Poor Kevin, he wasn't used to things he couldn't punch.

And of course, at the sight of magic, my dad’s jaw dropped and said,

“This is amazing, this breaks all the laws of physics! This should be impossible! How are you doing that, strange horse creature? You must let me study you!” Twilight’s eyes widened at a fellow scientist and my mum had gone into shock. That just left her me to confront next.

She didn't even bother to listen to me, she just simply fired her magic at me and I passed out, feeling a burn where the magic hit me.

,.,.,

LOCATION: CELESTIAL PALACE, CANTERLOT.

,.,.,

I awoke in handcuffs in a carriage, which in my opinion was uncalled for, considering I did nothing to any pony here. I was in a cage, Kevin in another, and my mum and dad further along. I caught a glimpse of the outside and I immediately knew where we were headed: Canterlot Castle. When we arrived, we were led by pony guards to a long hallway, at the end of which was Princess Celestia herself. I could sense power and authority radiating off of her.

“So you are the creatures that attacked my student?” She said, “you can understand me, correct?”

“Yes,” I replied, “sorry about my family, they're idiots, well apart from my dad, he’s a certified genius,”

“Interesting, might I ask what you are?”

“Homo sapiens, human to be precise,” my dad stepped in, “I assume you are a figure of authority?”

“You are addressing Princess Celestia, raiser of the sun,” Celestia said. Before rose words even left her lips, I could imagine my dad’s reply.

Dad chuckled to himself, “sorry did you say you raised the sun?” He asked incredulously,

“Yes,” Celestia replied. My dad chuckled again, looked Celestia right in the eye and declared in front of her,

“That is fucking bullshit.”