Rarity Gets Drunk and Talks to an Apple

by Paulicus

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Rarity, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other
Length: 1723

Rarity has an unexpected drinking buddy.

After a stressful week at the boutique, Rarity decides to unwind at a local drinking establishment. Things quickly get out of hand.

"A gripping tale of mystery and intrigue!" - No one ever
"Love, laughter, tears. This story has it all!" - Don't quote me on that
"One of the seminal works of our generation. Truly a masterpiece." - Voice in my head
"You're adopted." - My mother
- - - - -
*And it seems that there's already a reading by CaptainBron3y. Find it here. Thanks for the quick work, Cap!
*Another one by Stars of Night/Night Star.
*Seattle's Angels reviewed it. :twilightblush: (Awesome group, definitely worth checking out!)
- - - - -
Inspired by otakuap's piece "Argument," used here with permission.
- - - - -

((I'm so sorry.))

Published 2015-09-10 20:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-09-10 20:00:01 UTC

In Which an Apple is Spoken to by an Inebriated Equine Fashionista

“Thank you, Dear,” Rarity said as the pale blue mare delivered their mugs of cider. The waitress smiled, nodded, and continued on to the other patrons, drink tray in hoof.

The Hayseed Bar & Tavern was a small one, nestled in an out-of-the-way corner of Ponyville. The whole place was rather rustic, but Rarity found the hoof-carved furnishings charming in their own small-town sort of way. And, on this particular afternoon, Rarity had the place almost entirely to herself. She sat in the corner, behind a sturdy wooden table made of what appeared to be a local oak.

Applejack sat across from her, chewing one of her apples and listening to Rarity vent about the previous week. It had been a particularly stressful period at the boutique, and Rarity had decided that an afternoon off was well-deserved.

“I tell you, Applejack, it was the very picture of a fashion emergency! I receive a frantic letter from Sapphire Shores regarding a last-minute booking in Las Pegasus. She's to perform alongside none other than Colton John, and she needed an entire new wardrobe by the end of the week!” She tossed a hoof in the air in a rare display of frustration. The bags under her eyes were visible even across the table.

“Sounds like a big job,” Applejack said, casually tossing her apple core into a nearby bin. She leaned an elbow on the table and smiled. “But knowing you, I'd bet you got the whole thing done no problem.”

“But of course, Darling! The outfits are already packed and on their way. It was close, but I am a professional, after all.” She gave a proud-yet-weary smile.

Applejack grabbed her mug and offered a silent toast, which Rarity returned before finishing the last of her cider. She motioned for the bartender to send another.

Applejack pushed her chair back and stood. “Well, this has been fun and all, but I've gotta get back to the farm. Lots of chores left for the day. Some of us ain't done with our 'big orders' yet.” She winked.

“Oh, right, the zap apples.” Rarity smiled, eyes sparkling as she lightly clapped her hooves in delight. “Oooh, I can hardly wait to try some!”

“Looks to be good crop this year, so there ought to be plenty to go 'round.” Applejack tipped her hat. “Later, Rares.”

“Until next time, Darling,” Rarity sang sweetly, waving a hoof.

Rarity sipped at her cider, admiring the hoof-carved woodpieces adorning the bar. They were a mishmash of different styles, but on the whole they were still appealing in a 'Granny's knick-knacks' kind of way. She finished the last of her drink, and was about to pay her tab and head home when she noticed a small red object on the edge of the table.

“It seems Applejack forgot one of her apples... Tsk tsk.” Her eyes lingered on the fruit for a bit. The skin dully reflected the ambient light, and a small bead of condensation slowly made it way down one side. Rarity looked at her empty mug, then the apple, then back to her mug.

It had been a long week...

“I suppose one more couldn't hurt.”

An hour later, Rarity was still sitting at her table, working yet another mug of cider down towards the bottom. Examining the wooden decorations had lost its charm. She considered striking up a conversation with one of the rough-looking stallions at the bar, but the previous week had sapped her of the energy needed to hold up a polite conversation. That, and the wayward apple was still there at the table, staring at her in stoic silence.

“Quiet type, are you?” Rarity asked the apple in an uncharacteristic moment of spontaneity. She took another sip from her mug. “I can work with that.”

A few more moments went by, and a few more sips. “I must congratulate you and your kind for making such a delightful drink, by the way. Applejack really is an expert in her trade.” She paused a moment, tapping a hoof to her chin thoughtfully. “Then again... is being made into cider painful for apples...?”

Rarity brought a hoof to her cheek, as if to snap herself back to reality with its touch. “Oh, this is ridiculous! Look at me, I'm already talking to fruit!”

For its part, the apple didn't respond. It only sat there, looking both delicious and non-judgmental.

Rarity straightened confidently in her chair. “You know what? You're right. Who cares, I'm still fabulous!”

She tapped her hoof on the table. “Another round!”

Rarity's head was lying flat against the table. She turned, her laughter just as strong as it had been for the last minute or more. Her body shuddered as she tried to get control of her voice.

“Oh, my sides! My face hurts, I can't take it!” A red flush was plainly visible on her cheeks, a paler reflection of the apple sitting next to her.

“Get it? Jack the Apple? And you're friends with Applejack?” She tried unsuccessfully to stifle another fit of laughter. She snorted, and abruptly stopped. She looked around discreetly to see if anypony had noticed. Luckily, nopony seemed to care. “I am Rarity Ninja, stealth-snorter!” she thought to herself. A grin began to form on her face. “Goodness! I haven't done that since high school!” she said, already starting to giggle. Another laughing fit followed.

A few of the patrons gave her funny looks, but Rarity didn't notice. She tapped one hoof on the table and motioned with the other.

“Barkeep!”

“...Everything was going so well!” Rarity was lying on a red velvet couch that she had somehow summoned to the bar. Sobs wracked her body, and tears left black streaks on her face.

“And then, would you believe it, he just suddenly started staring at her slack-jawed and pushed me out of the way! Like I was nothing at all!” She sniffled. “And I had simply adored him forever! How could he even do that?”

The apple had fallen on its side, and was gently bobbing back-and-forth in what seemed to Rarity like a sympathetic gesture. A few tears flowed down its red skin onto the table, almost as if it were crying too. “But that's silly, apples don't cry... Or do they?”

“Oh, no, don't cry for me, Jack.” Rarity reached out a hoof and brought the apple closer, nuzzling it against her cheek.

Then, a grin slowly started to break through Rarity's woe. A thought had occurred to her. A thought that fed on the cider coursing through her veins and bloomed into a vibrant, beautiful idea that was, simply put, brilliant.

She pulled the apple away from her face and looked at it deviously. “I know what will make us both feel better.” She hopped off on the couch and back onto her chair at the corner table.

“Barkeep?”

Applejack trotted through the dusty Ponyville streets towards her favorite bar. The sun was just starting to set, painting the clouds with a stunning display of red, orange, and blue. She, on the other hoof, ached. The afternoon had been a tiring one, but the Apple family was prepped and ready for the zap apple harvest which, according to Granny, could happen as early as tomorrow morning. Applejack should've been at home resting, but after all the work and sweat she just couldn't resist the urge for another draft cider. She licked her lips in anticipation.

The Hayseed Bar & Tavern was just as she'd left it. The familiar seed-and-plow sign hanging over the door was a welcome sight as she pushed through the swinging wooden door into the pub beyond.

“...and jusht what do you know about fasshion, Jack?” Rarity's high-pitched voice cut through the murmur of the other patrons.

Applejack scanned the room, looking for her friend. She wasn't hard to find. As Applejack approached the corner table, she saw who, or more accurately, what Rarity was talking to.

“Is she...? Oh, Celestia.” Applejack trotted towards her, hoping she wasn't too late for... whatever might've happened.

“Iiii am Rarity Unicorn! I make dresseses for famous ponies all across Equestria! Have you every heard of –” she hiccuped “– Shapphire Shores? Pff, no, of course not. You're an apple.” The slur in her voice would've made understanding her nearly impossible if she hadn't been such a naturally articulate pony – when she was sober, anyway. “Besides! What would you know, galavanting around in that gaudy red outfit without even so much as a kerchief for an accent!” Another hiccup.

“Have you been here all afternoon, Sugarcube?”

Rarity continued to glare at the apple, absently waving a hoof at the intruding disembodied voice. “Hold on, Jjjapplejack, I'm in the middle of something.”

A moment later, Rarity abruptly turned to her friend with a wide grin. “Applejack!” she cried as if greeting her for the first time. Her cheeks were flushed with a deep red. She half-walked, half-fell into Applejack in a feeble attempt at a hug. “I, uh... Maybe. Possssibly...? Yes, definitely.”

Applejack rolled her eyes. “And it looks like you've drunk enough for one night. Come on, gal, let's get you home.”

“Pffff, a lady doesn't 'get drunk,' Japplejack. I am meeerely, uh... tipsy. Yes, that's it. Tipssssy.” Rarity took Applejack's proffered foreleg and steadied herself, despite her own weak protestations. They walked a few shaky steps toward the door before Rarity gasped. “Wait!”

She stuck out her tongue in concentration as she tried to summon her magic. The apple on the table was wrapped in a blue aura and floated towards them. Rarity grasped it in both hooves, a triumphant grin on her face.

“Meet Jack.”

Author's Note

I debated with myself for a while if I should do more work on this story before publishing. Then I realized that, for a story that's already this silly, it probably didn't matter too much! :derpytongue2:

I was inspired by Otakup's artwork (cover). I wanted to give a reason why Rarity might be drunk talking to fruit. Plus, it's always fun writing about drunk horses!

Hope you enjoyed it!

PS - As always, please let me know if you spot any errors! Thank you. :twilightsmile: