My Little Flash Fiction: Postmodernism is Magic

by aaaa_aaaa

Rating: teen
Tags: Queen Chrysalis, Random, Main 6, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 7377

A collection of experimental short fics I've written for prompts.

Important note: I claim all creative rights to all characters in this work and deny any and all royalties. Furthermore, resemblance of any character in this story to real life persons(especially Ron Paul), living, or dead is fully intentional and intended as a factual statement. Finally, I accept all liability for any incidents incurred while reading this fic, including, but not limited to, nausea, kuru, temporary insanity, death, and stubbed toes.

That aside, this is a collection of short fics that I've written just for the hell of it. These fics are highly experimental - expect bizarre tenses, fanon, atypical writing styles, multiple narrators and more! Don't read if your mind is allergic to screws - the topics range from the sonic rainboom as a metaphor for FlutterDash, to a second person fic starring three metaphysical entities and even normal stuff, like a prequel to "A Canterlot Wedding" (spoiler: Chrysalis disguises herself as Cadence).

I'm also accepting requests, with the goal of writing at least one prompt a day - feel free to drop suggestions in the comments. As long as it's short, interesting and MLP related, I'll give it a shot!

The fics(bold for pride):
Pressure [Light Shipping] - FlutterDash, with the relationship written as a metaphor for a sonic rainboom. A little alcohol is involved.
Chrysalis' Break - A prequel for the events in "A Canterlot Wedding", written from Chrysalis' and Cadence's points of view.
Forgiveness - Celestia has forgiven Luna, but she needs some help to forgive herself...
Equestria Noir - Twilight Sparkle tries to write a detective novel based on her own life. Too bad it's not the thirties.
Rainbow Dash and the MacGuffin [Random] - I'm so meta, even this acronym. A meta trollfic disguised as a pirate story.
How You Met My Mother [SURREAL SHIPPING] - Second person, you(as Twilight Sparkle's magic) x Pinkie Sense. The narrator is your smug son.
Author's Notes - Prompts, background, etc.
Boone In Equestria [Trollfic] - so yea i was sleep deprived and had a deadline
Ron Paul and the Elements of Tyranny [political troll satire] - It's been four years since President Obama banished Ron Paul to the moon - soon he will return to ensure that Freedom™ lasts forever! Twilight Sparkle and her friends must stop him using the Elements of Tyranny before The Fed™ is destroyed! Faced against the power of the Invisible Hand and unbound delegates, the protagonists must fight to keep the status quo! Will they succeed? Too cool for a standalone story!
MLP: REPRUCASSIONS OF EVAL - I squat 85 pounds, and everypony walks the dinosaur!

Published 2012-05-28 01:54:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-31 03:42:58 UTC

Pressure [Light Shipping]

Rainbow Dash woke up to see two colts jeering at her and Fluttershy holding a racing flag. I'm dreaming about the race again. But why? And why isn't Fluttershy a filly? I haven't had this dream ever sinc--- Before she could finish her thought, the flag went down.

Wings flapping, adrenaline pumping, heart beating, Rainbow Dash flew through the air, effortlessly passing through gates. She felt the wind flying through her feathers and mane, her Pegasus magic and the ambient magic intertwining - the magic wasn't forcing the air to do her work; the air wasn't resisting, instead, it cooperated as always.

But today, Rainbow Dash couldn't afford to fly as usual, she had to speed things up a bit - pegasus magic pushed harder and harder and air hesitated for a second before finally complying. The barrier built up around her, whitening as the air began to push back - she could almost hear it telling her to slow down, that she's taking things too fast. Rainbow Dash almost stopped until she remembered who she was flying for. Instead, wings pushed harder, forcing their will on the air...

Rainbow Dash woke up to the familiar sound of a certain high-pitched mare.

"Why is she so lazy?" Rarity complained to herself. She raised her voice and said "Rainbow, dear, get down here - everpony else is ready. Including Fluttershy," she added with a smirk.

The lazy Pegasus considered staying on her infinitely soft cloud - to a Pegasus, a cloud isn't just a formation of water droplets; just like any other weather construct, it was embedded with magic that could be molded to a Pegasus' liking, such as how a sleeping Rainbow Dash unconsciously formed the cloud to match her ideal sleeping conditions. As she thought about how comfortable the cloud was, she realized that meant enduring more of Rarity's teasing and decided to get off the cloud, muttering to herself all the way.

"And what will you have?" the bartender asked Rainbow Dash.

"The umm... CIDER! That's right! Hard cider! I drink that stuff all the time," she lied, hoping that nobody would realize this was her first time drinking alcohol.

The bartender sighed, wrote down the order and turned to Fluttershy, who blushed and turned to Twilight, whispering "Umm... do I have to drink? I don't want to be a loud drunk or anything..."

"Well if it's on my checklist, yes you have to," replied Twilight. The waiter grunted impatiently.

"ooh right, sorry... Can I please have the uhh--" said Fluttershy, quickly glancing to Rainbow Dash, "cider?"

The bartender facehoofed, realizing that this was going to be another of those days. “Very well.”

With all the orders down - Applejack chose cider of course, Twilight and Rarity opted for wine and Pinkie requested her own impossibly complex mix - the conversations began.

“This cider can’t compare to Sweet Apple Acres cider, but I guess it will do,” complained Applejack.

“Don’t be such a grumpy pants, Applejack!” exclaimed Pinkie, “Alcohol is still alcohol; and you’ll still get drunk!”

Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash gave Pinkie a nervous glance for a second before they resumed their conversation.

“So... Is this your first time at a bar?” asked Fluttershy.

“Nope. I drink all the time; I’m not new to this, in fact I know exactly what I’m doing!” bragged Rainbow Dash.

The conversations veered to more personal topics.

“I had a *hic* dream about you this afternoon,” said Rainbow Dash

Fluttershy was red even before the sentence was complete.

“Oh, not that kind of dream silly, I just dreamed about the race we got our cutie marks,” Rainbow Dash corrected.

And even more personal topics as the alcohol hit the group’s brains(and livers). Talk of stallions and fillies filled the drunken air. Twilight pulled a quill and a sheet of parchment from Celestia-knows-where and was taking notes, Rarity was talking about Prince Blueblood again and Fluttershy continued to blush.

Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie started talking about the pranking they did on Hearts and Hooves Day.

“And the look on her face when she woke up next to him *hic* was priceless!” exclaimed Pinkie, who broke into a fit of laughter.

“A classic Pinkie Pie prank,” said Rainbow Dash, “Ya know, *hic* I still need to get that love poison recipe from Scootaloo...”

“Oooh! I just had an idea! Dashie, I dare you to kiss Fluttershy!” exclaimed Pinkie Pie, as if this request was perfectly normal.

Dash complied.

Rainbow Dash was back to the dream of her first race; right when she was about to hit the sound barrier. As she approached critical speeds, the air began to push back, and her body complied. But then her mind replied –I’m doing this for Fluttershy. - and the reckless pegasus accelerated, hitting the sound barrier.

And the barrier hit back; pushing Rainbow Dash back with more force than physics would allow, completely reversing her momentum and sending her backwards into the ground. As everything began to fade, she thought to herself, What did I do wrong?

As she woke up, the dream faded from Rainbow Dash’s mind, leaving only that one last thought in her head. She struggled to recollect the events of last night – but all she could remember were the events leading up to Pinkie’s dare and the dare itself.

Surprisingly, besides the misplaced memories, her brain and body showed no sign of last night’s events(probably thanks to her fast metabolism), allowing her to rise to her hooves as questions and worries flooded her mind.

Does Fluttershy hate me now? What happened last night? How did I get home last night?

Rainbow Dash wanted to escape, wanted to run away from Ponyville where she didn’t have to face these questions, but instead she could only see one way to answer these questions. She flew over to Fluttershy’s cottage and stood outside of the door.

And then she knocked once on the door, leaving her hoof hanging in the air as it opened.

Instead of fighting the wind, Rainbow Dash accepted it’s will, realizing her mistake. The ground grew larger and larger; until suddenly she felt a pillow of air stop her fall. She hesitated for a second, worried that a second attempt would end up like the first, but then the wind started to push her on her way, guiding her wings. As she flew through the air, she realized that like many things, flying isn’t a fight between air and wing, it’s a union. The air began to form a white trail around the pegasus, a white trail that was no longer a barrier, but a guideline, beckoning her to accelerate.

And then it collapsed, leaving a multicolored flash in it’s wake.

Chrysalis' Break

Hunger. Thirst. Emptiness. Despair. Exhaustion. Loneliness.

For changelings, these feelings are one and the same.

It's been months since we last fed - Fillydelphia was supposed to have enough love for us to move on to the rest of Equestria, but it was completely desolate for some reason.

So we searched for a new feeding source, scavenging love from various critters along the way. Unfortunately, a wild animal's love is shallow - fueled by pure instinct and too weak to serve as anything but a quick snack. We had to sacrifice parts of ourselves to feed the rest. Life was like this for months until Fortune granted our Queen a break...

"Hey Cadence, what kind of cake do you want? Cadence, please remind Shining Armor to send his invitation to Twilight. Cadence, the Princess detected a negative energy signature outside of Canterlot, have you taken this security risk into account for preparations?"

Ugh. Cadence this, Cadence that. I still love all my little ponies, but sometimes they can get a bit exhausting - I needed a quick break.

I channeled my energy into my horn and recalled the gazebo where Shining Armor and I shared our first kiss. I felt reality twist and bend for an instant...

A flash of blue and pink appeared right in front of me, a flash a hundred thousand times brighter than the life force of even the liveliest creature.

The energies took on the sharp shape of a pony! Most ponies have a vague, fuzzy energy around them contained to themselves, but this one's love was bright and sharp - I could almost taste it in of the distance between us.

It was tempting to just leap out and suck that energy out; but I've waited months - I could wait a few more minutes.

Then I felt the air vibrate - she must be talking! I channel one of my last drops of energy into giving myself pony ears and listen in...

"*This day is going to be perfect*"

"*The kind of day of which I've dreamed of since I was small*"

"*Everypony will gather -*"

A shard of pain entered my horn. My knees began to buckle and I could feel my stomach/reservoir giving out. Fortunately, I managed to terminate the shape-shifting spell before it began to use the remainder of my life energy.

I begin to gather all the energy I could - a few drops from the swarm, some of the raw energy emitted from the pony, even a bit of the ambient æther - into one last shape-shifting spell.

One of the nearby bushes rustled. I turned to find the source of the sound, and I see a rabbit hop out, only to collapse.

The rabbit's fur was dirty and tangled; it's eyes sunken in their sockets. Blood oozed from massive sores. Ribs threatened to pierce its skin as they went up and down; each breath shallower than the last.

And then it stopped.

I had to do something. I went ahead and cast an energy transfer spell on the rabbit, focusing my concern for it into a blue blob of energy, which shaped itself into a tiny heart on the way.

A bright pulse left the pony's horn and entered my body. Energy shot through my ley lines, warmth flooded through my veins, the pony's concern filled my stomach, her love restarted my heart.

I knew what I had to do. The line of her love glowed as it pumped energy into my body, pulsating with each invigorating wave. I began to pull on it. The owner dropped me on the floor and tried to cut the line, but I knew better - I used my new energy to tug even harder on it, stealing more and more of her energy, even stringing a handful of memories along.

Oh my. A wedding? Engaged to the Head of the Royal Guard? This will be useful, I thought to myself as I looked through her recent memories.

The line collapsed, along with it's owner. I spread some of my energy over her and watched in my mind's eye as it slowly took Cadence's form. Satisfied with the replica, I integrated the pattern with my own body, ensuring that every detail down to the smallest hair was correct.

Two simple teleportation spells later, I was ready for the perfect day...

Forgiveness

Luna trotted out into the balcony. She looked up into the dark abyss of her night sky, at the stars that were her only friends. All her best efforts had gone into them, and yet thoughts of her subjects sleeping during the night, subjects shunning and decrying her best efforts, thoughts that fought against the words of her sister until they materialized into something greater...

They told her to do the unreasonable thing; and so as long as her subjects ignored her dark and glorious night, the moon would not rest.

Celestia sat in her room, waiting for the moon to fall. It didn’t. Something was wrong – her thoughts flooded to her sister’s recent troubles, and she ran to the balcony.

“Luna! What is the meaning of this? Why haven’t you sent down the moon?” demanded Celestia.

“Do not call us by that name! We are Nightmare Moon, and the moon will never set!” exclaimed Nightmare Moon.

Celestia, always planning her every move, expected this. She summoned six glowing, magical gemstones and circled them around her sister...

Celestia trotted out into the balcony. She looked out, staring at the lands that contained her loyal subjects. All her best efforts went into making sure that they were comfortable, that they wouldn’t have to suffer like in the past and yet she still couldn’t help but think about how worried they must have been at last night’s events, couldn’t stop thinking about all the fear they endured at the thought of eternal night.

And it was all her fault – she saw the changes happening to her sister, she saw the signs, and all she did was banish her temporarily, passing the responsibility to her future self. So Celestia decided that until she fixed the mistakes she made, she would never rest.

Luna sat in the dining room. The scent of roasted daffodils and imported cheeses tempted her nostrils; her sister’s favorite. And yet Celestia had yet to even enter the dining room. Something was wrong – Luna recalled the events of her banishment, and ran to the balcony, struck with realization.

“Celly? Could you please get to the dining room? The food’s getting cold,” Luna said carefully.

“Please don’t call me that name – I can’t think of you as a sister without the memory of your banishment rising up. I have to make this right, irregardless of what’s for dinner,” replied Celestia.

Luna, having known her sister for thousands of years, expected this. She summoned six giant, magical feathers and circled them around her sister.

"Luna, what are you do-- AHAHAH STOP PLEASE!" Celestia cried out, but to no avail - Luna persisted in her attack. While she was caught off-guard, Celestia prepared a counterattack immediately - twelve of her own feathers, poised to attack.

"Okay, okay I surrender!" Luna begged.

"Nope. It's too late now - WE ARE NOW THE DAYMARE! PREPARE TO BE TICKLED WITH THE WRATH OF A THOUSAND SUNS!" Celestia exclaimed while giggling like a school filly. And then her feathers struck! But not before Luna could respond with a counterattack of her own...

An hour later, two regal princesses arrived in the dining hall, covered in feathers, manes tangled and messy, laughing all the way. The food was cold, the drinks were warm, the sandwiches soggy, and yet the sisters devoured their meals, laughing and talking like they were enjoying a feast straight from the kitchen.

Equestria Noir

Sitting in my desk after a long day, I lifted the cider mug up to my snout and tipped it in, awaiting the cold taste of apples and friendship. The lukewarm fluid hit my tongue, bombarding my taste buds with the taste of microbial waste. I instantly spat it out, spewing rotten fluid all over my desk.

"SPIKE! Did you mix up the cider again?"

No response.

"Spike?"

Perking my ears up, I heard the sound of soft sobbing. I trotted to the source of the sound - a purple dragon curled up the fetal position, tears pouring out of his eyes.

"What's wrong?"

The ~~troubled dame~~ Spike stammered, "Rarity's missing - we were going to find gems together but I can't find her and Sweetie Bell hasn't seen her either; I've been looking all day!"

"Don't worry Spike, I'm sure we'll be able to find her. But the first thing we need to do is to create a plan."

I focused my horn onto the novelty bubble pipe on my desk to my mouth and took a deep breath out. No bubbles. Great. Another thing missing. I lifted the pipe back onto my desk and grabbed my trusty quill and a sheet of parchment. I dipped the quill into the inkwell and begin to write.

☐ Ask around town to see if anyone's seen Rarity recently
☐ Find clues
☐ Analyze clues to find Rarity's location
☐ Find Rarity

"Now the first thing we need to do is to find out who's seen Rarity recently, and where she was last."

"Sweetie Bell might know - we better get to her now before she forgets!" Spike ran towards the door.

"Didn't you already ask her?"

"Oh. Right," my forgetful assistant responded, stopping in his tracks, "Who else would know?"

"Well Fluttershy might know; but she's at the spa."

"I forgot about the spa! Lets go!"

Spike opened the door and ran out the door. He collided with a luxuriously white unicorn, sending her to the floor. While her face was filled with surprise, it was still just as beautiful as ever, the smooth features a stark contrast to the square buildings in the background. In spite of the dark of dusk, her pure white fur was still bright - almost gleaming. And her mane, in spite of being tangled and dirty continued to shine like a sapphi-- wait I'm getting off topic aren't I?

Anyway...

"Spike! There you are darling! I've been looking for you all day," Rarity exclaimed, "I thought we were going gem hunting today - I couldn't find you at the gem fields."

"I thought we were supposed to meet at your place, sorry." Spike replied, guilt and shame shooting through his face; Rarity watching in confusion.

"Don't worry, it was just a simple misunderstanding. No need to feel guilty. And this looks like another mystery solved in an astonishingly painless, and easy manner," I interjected.

I checked off the last box on the list and said, "Mystery solved!"

"Great! All this searching has me parched - Spike, could you be a dear and fetch me some cider?" Rarity asked.

My Faithful Student Twilight Sparkle,

While I admire your recent explorations into the field of fiction, especially your recent personal additions, I'm afraid that Noir isn't something you should be writing from your own life. However, I am still interested in your recent lessons in friendship, especially regarding Rarity - you have a lot to learn there.

Sincerely,
Your Mentor, Princess Celestia

Rainbow Dash and the MacGuffin [Random]

Applejack and Rainbow Dash were arm wrestling on a tree stump, a fight symbolic of the conflict between the concept of ultimate volition and uncontrolled truth that exists on this Earth.

Rarity walked in, her stride as controlled the most delicate seamstress, her face covered in despair as it’s mouth said, “Twilight has horn rot!”

“Again?” said Rainbow, who then rolled her eyes to represent the repetitiveness of the adventure.

“Yes, again,” said Rarity repetitively, her repetition highlighting the repetitiveness of the adventure as the narrator's repetitive diction further amplified the repetitiveness by excessive description and repetition.

After the narrator was done spewing pretense everywhere, Rarity continued to debrief the pair, “Today’s cure for horn rot is the MacGuffin, an organ in the heart of the Loch Ness monster. You must acquire the MacGuffin through an extraordinarily long adventure in spite of the fact that we could probably just go to the hospital or use the cures we already have on hand.”

“Ah sugarcube, Ah don’t think ‘at’s ah good idea, sugarcube,” said Applejack with an obnoxiously thick accent exaggerated mannerisms.

“Of course it’s a good idea! My middle name is danger! Now lets get on those boats and go on a privateer adventure in ten seconds flat!” exclaimed Rainbow Dash.

“I didn’t mention privateers?” asked Rarity rhetorically, to settle the reader’s rustled jimmies over the narrator’s disregard for causality by acknowledging their concern(all though if the reader is concerned by such flaws, they should have skipped to the next chapter, but looks like you're here to stay, enjoy the trip!).

After a quick and unexplained scene change, the pair arrived on the deep ocean of uncertainty, on a ship that symbolized mankind’s search for knowledge in spite of the ever-expanding shore of unknowns.

Suddenly, the narrator remembered that the prompt required the CMC and Zecora as pirates; and so suddenly a pirate ship suddenly appeared with the CMC, Pipsqueak and Zecora on board. A conveniently placed megaphone allowed Scootaloo to speak: “We want the MacGuffin! For too long we’ve waited for it’s delicious, lean Canadian bacon, drizzled with cheddar cheese and egg, all wrapped in a warm and toasty English muffin.”

Rainbow Dash had her own megaphone, an older, yet more advanced model than Scootaloo’s symbol of youth and she replied, “But we don’t even have the MacGuffin. And you guys are looking for the McMuffin©. McMuffin© is owned by and copyright of McDonalds®, trade mark of the McDonald’s corparation.”

The pirate boat suddenly disappeared, and the ship of knowledge suddenly found it’s way next to the Loch Ness monster, like how technology’s rapid advance can surprise and shock people. Rainbow Dash fought the monster, flying 20% faster than ever before and Applejack bucked it in ten seconds flat and then they got the MacGuffin.

After a short and unmentioned return sequence, they are back home and they cure Twilight’s horn rot with the MacGuffin, followed by an emotionally satisfying epilogue and/or author’s note that answers all the reader’s questions, concerns and suppresses their urges to murder the author.

From: EqD Prereaders
To: Mail2345
Subject: Your recent fanfiction submission
Attachments: wat.jpg(42MB)
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Author's Notes

Overall: This is my first fic, be gentle, etc, etc. Original prompts and stuff are here.

I would appreciate any and all constructive criticism of my works - even the smallest grammatical error.

I know that some of them seem rushed, especially the titles(which were a last minute ish thing, I'll have to think of better ones).

something something lauren faust copyright hasbro

Pressure

Prompt: The Mane 6 go out for their first night of drinking together.

The metaphor was too dense in my opinion, but I was really constricted by the short length of it - I'm sure I could have spread it out over a longer fic.

I had fun working out fanon about how pegasus magic allows them to fly.

And no, you guys don't get a FlutterDash makeout scene, irregardless of how much you beg.

Chrysalis' Break

Prompt: Prequel to A Canterlot Wedding written from either Chrysalis or Cadence's Point of view.

This one was interesting. I can't shake a nagging feeling that it was too telly, but eh. I don't see much room for expansion in the scene itself, except for maybe some details(or inserting a fight scene or something). Eh.

Forgiveness

Prompt: Do one about Luna saving/comforting/etc. Celestia after the sun princess overworks herself from raising the sun and the moon for so long on top of dealing with Luna's return.

You can tell that I love page breaks and parallelism. I expanded on the tickling fight on request of the original prompter; plenty of room to possibly parallel the development of Luna's and Celestia's feelings.

Equestria Noir
Prompt: Twilight investigating the disappearance of Rarity. In a dark private investigator sort of way.

Oh dear. A genre I'm not good at. I tried my best at first, but Noir doesn't fit my voice - so I wrote what did fit my voice - subversion.

Rainbow Dash and the MacGuffin

Prompt: Rainbow Dash and Applejack as privateers. At some point, the Loch Ness monster is mentioned. Zecora, the CMC, and Pip make an appearance as a pirate crew.

I'm as familiar with the pirate genre as I am with the Noir genre - so I decided to take this on a tangent

There is a thin line between stupid and satire; a line that only a wise author can avoid. I am a clever author. Can't say anything about the wise part. Might have gone over the top at some points, but isn't that the point of it?

shrug

How You Met My Mother

Prompt: How about Twilight trying to figure out how she spontaneously combusted on that one episode with the Pinkie Sense?

oh god this went absurd really, really fast - second person and talkative narrator and shipping two metaphysical concepts

Also, no page breaks!

Boone In Equestria

Prompt: Send Craig Boone to Equestria as a unicron, and Celestia recruits him to fight slaving Griffin tribe. Boone x Celestia OTP!

i was sleep deprived so i made less subtle trollfic than macguffin. i'm not sure if it even has jkokes

god i need sleep

How You Met My Mother [SURREAL] [MIND SCREW]

A burst of energy integrated itself into your existence, expanding your mind and body. Your thoughts focused on the nature of your sudden awareness, and then inwards, focusing on themselves. Suddenly, you felt another consciousness imposing it's will on your own - not the first time this has happened, just the first time you ever actually thought about it. Hey, don't worry, kid, it's nothing to be ashamed of - it's something every magical field goes through - from the sugary energy Celestia's desert all the way to your fieldfriend. Oh wait, I'm getting ahead of myself, aren't I? Anyway...

You want to know the story of how I came to be? Well then. Hmm. I don't percieve time linearly, so bear with me if something seems out of place. It all starts with you, even if you don’t remember.

Your birth and infancy really weren't there slightest bit interesting or remarkable, so let's get back to the interesting part.

Your goal system set, you focused on your target - a pinprick of energy trapped in a merely physical shell. The commanding entity provided definitions - egg, shell, dragon, hatch. Very well. You carefully cracked open the shell. Or maybe not so carefully - you slipped, falling into the egg's energy. In a futile effort to escape, you find your metaphysical limbs slipping everywhere. My my, what a mess. Honesty, your attempts to retreat back into your host only made it worse - not only did you fail to leave the egg and the aether, but you somehow managed to stick a few beams in something your host called "parents"; if memory serves, your host had some sort of emotional link to them - good thing you didn't collapse them, your host would have been pissed.

Ahh, adolescence. I'm glad I'm over with it - uncontrolled energy bursts, clumsiness, magical rot, and worst of all, the interactions with other magical fields - I'm glad I'm over with it. But enough about myself, isn't this your story?

You seem to be a bit lost, so lemme explain something important. Magic isn't just energy, it requires energy - that's how it can discern the boundary between an object and it's environment, how it can decide which molecules to manipulate or not. Obviously, more complex tasks require not only power, but increased intelligence. Increased intelligence requires introspection to control. And introspection of that. At some point this basic intelligence develops consciousness, or as your host would prefer, a "soul", just like the ones in ponies.

Of course, that's where the similarities end - our existence is fundamental different from their's, with each field, sapient or not, having it's own unique thought process. You demonstrate extreme parallelism, I have retroactive perception(that's why I'm so good at exposition) and Mom has precongnition. Caught up? Good. Let's get back to your story.

Your slip wasn't just limited to the local environment; apparently a bunch of other pieces of yourself found their way running around in the nearby area. You saw the bright, red outline of an alicorn walk in as beams of light reached out from it's hoof, threading through your host and touching you. You feel an irresistible tug on your consciousnesses as it contracts back into your host. The tug continued to pull more and more, and you realized that it was going to push you back into your host's reserves - terminating your consciousness along with it. You resist, pushing back with all your energy. For a moment the tug halts, as if it was surprised or even afraid. And then it slams you back inside with the force of a thousand suns. Oops. Don't let that give you a bad impression of Celestia - she's a pretty chill mare, I'm sure she wasn't even aware that you could think for yourself.

A few boring years of nothingness pass by, nothing to complain about, you weren't even able to perceive boredom anyway.

You oke up for the second time. A familiar spark re-ignited your awareness, and you felt 5 other fields pushing you to your target. Including her. A bright, pulsating, pink field. Her actions defied causality, not even your most complex agent model could define her behaviors. You stared in awe at the sheer energy and novelty of her ley lines, tracing them as they circled back and forth--- Sorry lover-boy, I had to interrupt myself there, I don't wanna talk about Mom like that. Ugh.

The other four fields pushed you back into reality; your goal returned to mind. As you head towards your target, you see a blue field, dark as night, blocking your way. Your group's combined momentum plowed through it like a thermonuclear bomb through tissue paper, revealing your target - the most complex system in the universe - an equine brain.

Jealousy and hatred are very vague concepts - you can't exactly pinpoint them to one section of the brain - they exist in tons of different places, as multiple different patterns and abstractions. To outright remove centuries of built up jealousy and hatred without turning someone into a brain-dead zombie instantly is more or less impossible - not only are instruments delicate enough to effect the potential of individual neurons beyond the grasp of material science, but the sheer computational power to know which neurons to attack is impossible, even for the most intelligent equines, let alone 6 young mares.

That is where you come in, as computational system unaffected by material constraints, you didn't even need to be efficent about it; cooking up several billion different test instances of an equine brain took a few seconds, but wasn't that much of a challenge. Finding the test that best fit your hosts' granted constraints? Even easier. Applying that simulated brain onto the real one? A no brainer(I'm sorry, I had to say that pun).

Too bad all that hard work went unappreciated - Twilight and her friends only had to think "get rid of the bad", a task they considered as simple as the label they assigned to it.

Your task completed, you felt yourself disconnect from your fellow fields, collapsing back into your host. You only awoke for the occasional tasks here and there - moving several trillion molecules of steel and milk, holding a quill in the air, etc. Occasionally you brushed the presence of other fields, especially that pink field on that one day...

Unable to understand something and filled with anger, your host called upon you without any instructions except to express herself. You felt like a few flames would be a reasonable expression; but as you violently shook the molecules of the air, you felt that pink field again. A ley line reached out, delicately touching one of your own. A spark jumped between the two of you and then the line collapsed and your host called you back. The moment was over.

You knew you had to get in touch with her again, so you did the unthinkable - on the way back into your host's horn, you gently pushed a couple of neurons regarding the pink field's host a bit towards increased triggering; just amplifying existing impulses, not outright mind control.

A few months later, you got called out into that rainbow field again - but this time, the pink field seemed reluctant, as if she didn't want to harm the target. You tried to inquire about it, but the other fields pushed both of you towards the target. You dampened your vibrations for a second, a metaphysical sigh, and got to work. The target was much too chaotic to be adjusted - imagine trying to perfectly flatten an a crumpled sheet of paper(the material world's equal of an n-plane). Yea. Not going to happen. The field's host however, was much more vulnerable. Turning him into stone was simple - you could have probably sent his atoms into the depths of space, but something told you that your host wouldn't like it. Anyway, back into storage!

Your efforts finally paid off! Your host decided to investigate the events of your second contact with the pink field; starting with your own actions! She focused her magic inward, intending to summon it in a material form. Oh boy. Selectively ionizing a few atmospheric molecules here and there, you created a bright purple field around your general area. Your host jumped around the room in glee, calling over the pink pony for an experiment. Finally! A chance for a real meeting with the pink field. Now if only you could get the pink field to get a bit closer!

The opportunity presented itself - the field tugged on it's host, causing her body to twitch uncontrollably. Your host dragged the pony in, close enough to you for you to pull some of the pink field out of it's host. You two finally got some time alone! Well, besides the few material entities in the area, but they wouldn't be able to understand what you two started doing. I'm not going into detail, because I really, really don't want to think about my parents that way.

A few months later, a new pony was born, bringing a certain energy field(Me!) into the world! Mom’s host and your host were very, very confused.

So why do I have to remind you of all this?

Because the same design that granted your pattern consciousness(unfortunately Mom still is at an animal intelligence in spite of her precognition) is responsible for your flaws as well! Guess what the simplest design that could unintentionally produce consciousness with a ton of computational power is! I’ll give you a hint - remember when you fixed Luna? Yea - a massively parallel simulation, where each component was unaware of the contents of the whole, and yet they all worked together for it.

But what does that have to do with your memory? It’s quite simple really when you sit down and do the map - assume that there is such a universe that could create a ton of simulations, with a ton of sub simulations below it. Now if you pick a random universe from that set, how likely is it that it;s a simulation, given that only one universe out of a metricfuckton(to the bazillionth power) is not a simulation?

Ron Paul and the Elements of Tyranny

Ron Paul and the Elements of Tyranny

Previously on My Little Shill:

"Elements of Tyranny: see Ron Paul?" said Twilight.

"But Ron Paul can't win the presidency Twilight, he's a fringe canidate!" replied Spike.

"He's going to return Freedom™ to Equestria! President Obama must be informed at once!" exclaimed Twilight, "Spike, take a letter to the Reptilian Overlord..."

"Soon, the Gold Standard will be returned to Equestria, and The Fed will collapse! Freedom™ shall reign again," said Ron Paul, laughing maniacally. And then he pulled out his copy of the constitution and cast a teleportation spell.

"Oh no! Freedom™! We must stop him! Hey, random ponies that I just met, wanna go into the most dangerous place in Equestria looking for ancient magic that may or may not even exist?" asked Twilight. The group nodded their heads and began on their adventure.

After walking by dozens upon dozens of FEMA internment camps, they finally arrived at the most dangerous location in all of Equestria: The DailyPaul forums. The forum was filled with goldbugs and conspiracy theorists who were free from President Obama's tyranny.

"It's just not natural," said Applejack, "ponies are supposed to be ruled by a tyrannical leader."

"I agree," said Twilight, "but we have t--- OH NO! A SOVEREIGN CITIZEN."

"Hey mister, get out of our way or we're going to fine you!" said Fluttershy.

"But that goes against the Non-Aggression Principle," replied the Citizen.

"Okay, I warned you," said Fluttershy. A hundred thousand tax documents appeared in the air and attacked the Citizen.
"Oh nooo, coercion, my only weakness, I'm meltinggg!" screamed the Sovereign Citizen as the fines stripped away his Freedom™.

"Great job suppressing that innocent civilian," said Rainbow Dash, "I just wish he was a Palestinian."

"Don't worry, I'm sure we'll find plenty of rich, white Equestrian males to oppress along the way," said Rarity, "Oooh! Look! There's one now!"

Hoity Toity stood nearby, not bothering the group or applying any sort of aggression on them. Rarity took this as a cue to stab him with his horn.

"I'm dying because I've been stabbed by a horn! And thanks to President Obama's inheritance taxes, the government will steal my money!" screamed the innocent, rich, white, Equestrian male.

"Mwahahahah" said Rarity, "all your money will go to the poor!"

"NOOOOOO!!!" said Hoity Toity with his last breath.

"Hey Rarity, oppressing the rich is fun and all that, but we have some Elements of Tyranny to activate," said Twilight.

"Hang on just one minute - I'm deciding if I should spend my welfare check on cigarettes or lottery tickets"

"Fine. Just don't take too long."

Having purchased both cigarettes and lottery tickets with the money stolen from the rich, Rarity and the group continued along the way.

"There it is girls - the Federal Reserve, where the Elements of Tyranny reside. But some Palestinian protestors are on the bridge, blocking our home land bridge!"

"Don't worry," said Rainbow Dash, "I'll just kill them!"

And then Rainbow Dash turned into a bulldozer and ran over the protesters, flattening them. After killing them, she twiddled her Jew mustache and laughed in an evil, Zionist Jewish manner.

"Anyone want pancakes? No? Okay then, lets get to the fed," said Rainbow Dash.

After a few boring and unnarrated minutes of walking to the Fed, they arrived in the Federal Reserve's mint. Among the stacks of worthless fiat currency rested several straw bundles - The Elements of Tyranny!

"One, two, three, four, five... There's only five of them! I thought your book said there were six!" said Pinkie Pie.

"Well of course you would think there are six of them, you illiterate leech, you don't even need to read," snapped Twilight.

"What's a leech? Oh well, it doesn't matter, daddy says that all I have to do is fill out a welfare form and then the goverment will give me all I need," said Pinkie.

"Ugh... Anyway, the book said that when the five are together, a spark will reveal the sixth element!" Twilight ignited her horn, sparks flying.

A bright light appeared, opening a brilliant, glowing portal. The American Eagle flew in through a window. It laid the Egg of Liberty™ and shed a single tear. The Egg of Liberty™ hatched into Ron Paul.

"Mwahaha, I win!" He snatched Twilight and then ran to the Federal Reserve Vault. Twilight's horn lit up again, but this time the sparks hit the Elements and they began to glow.

The Elements stopped glowing. "Told you so," said Paul. He grabbed a gold bar from his pocket and smashed the Elements.

Twilight frowned until then she head the sounds of galloping.

"You think you can destroy the Elements just like that? We'll, you're wrong, because the spirits of Elements are right here!"

"Applejack, who funded this expedition thanks to her government-subsidized apple farm, represents the spirit of... Big Government!" A bloated, orange dollar symbol appeared on Applejack's chest.

"Fluttershy, who forced the sovereign citizen to give up his rights, represents the spirit of... Coercion!" A yellow gun strapped itself to Fluttershy's side.

"Pinkie Pie, who was completely useless during this trip, represents the spirit of... Parasitism!" A pink leech attached itself to Pinkie's chest.

"Rarity, who beat up an innocent person just because he was rich, represents the spirit of... Class Warfare!" A blue hammer appeared in Rarity's front right hoof, and a sickle in her front left hoof.

"Rainbow Dash, who ran over innocent Palestinian protestors with her Bulldozer, represents the spirit of... Zionism!" A necklace with a Red Star of David appeared and wrapped itself around Dash's neck.

"The spirits of these five ponies got us through every challenge your supporters threw at us!" finished Twilight.

"But your spark didn't summon the last Element," exclaimed Ron Paul," Also, unbound delegates."

"But it did! A different kind of spark. I felt it the very moment I realized that I loved oppressing the rich. The spark ignited inside of me, when I realized we could work together to oppress more people! You see Nightmare Moon, when those Elements are ignited by the spark of altruism that resides in the hear of us all, it creates the sixth element... The Element of Cooperation!" monologued Twilight.

A tiara with a purple gem landed on Twilight's head. She and her friends rose up. Her eyes glowed with an authoritarian light and a rainbow beam flew out.

"DELEGATES, TO ME!" said Ron Paul. And then the delegates appeared and absorbed the rainbow beam.

Ron Paul whipped out his copy of the constitution and said, "BY THE POWER OF THE CONSTITUTION, I VETO YOUR EXISTENCE."

And then he killed Twilight and her friends. The electoral college than overrode the majority's rule and elected Ron Paul as President. The moment he entered the Oval Office, all of Equestria was bathed in Freedom™ and then nothing bad ever happened again.

The end.

MY LITTLE REPRACUSSIONS OF EVAL

Celestia waited. The lights above her blinked and sparked out of the air. There were changelings in the Ponyville. She didn’t see them, but had expected them now for years. Her warnings to Twolight Sparkgoof were not listenend to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway.

Celestia was a space marine for fourteen years. When she was young she watched the spaceships and she said to dad “I want to be on the ships daddy.”

Dad said “No! You will BE KILL BY CHANGELING”

There was a time when she believed him. Then as she got oldered he stopped. But now in the Ponyville base of the Equestria he knew there were changelings.

“This is Twilit" the letter said. “You must fight the demons!”

So Celestia gotted her horn and blew up the wall.
“SHE GOING TO KILL US” said the changelings

“I will shoot at her” said the cyberchangeling and he fired the rocket missiles. Celestia plasmaed at him and tried to blew him up. But then the sky fell and they were trapped and not able to kill.

“No! I must kill the changelings” she shouted

The letter said “No, Celestia. You are the changelings”

And then Celestia was a Cadence.

Boone in Equestria [random] [trollfic]

It was a bright and sunny day in Equestria, and Craig Boone was just your average depressed brony, sniping peeps, watching episodes and all the stuff that self inserts do.

BUT THEN SOMETHING KNOCKED HIM UNCONCIOUS!!

Craigh woke up rapidly, confused and ANGRY!

"I am upset where am I? Is this equestria???" He asked.

And then he looked at his hoof and wing and horn

"I appear to be pegacorn!" (not alicorn because EqD said that alicorn OCs are for terrible human beings and gklue sniffers and i don't huff glue)

oh noes! A white thing appeared, and that white thing happened to be celestia!

Celestia said, "CRAIG YOU MUST DEFEAT THE GIFFON!"

VERY WELL, he said! BUT FIRST WE MUST HAVE THE SEX!

"OH ~~MAIL2345~~ BOONE, YOU'RE SO HAWT. TAKE ME NOW"

and then they had sex!!!!!!

and then he was suddenly in giffon land and he got his sniper rifle out and with the courior, he killed all the giffons

BUT THEN THEY RELEASED F E V! HE WAS MUTATED WITH HORRIBLENESS AND THEN HE BECAME CUNCONIOUS AGAIN

he woke up!

and then he was a giffon~