Today I Honestly Don't Know

by TodayIWriteFanfics

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, Drama, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 4324

Yeah. This is my random story place where I post my random stuff. Enjoy this wonderful journey through my not knowing.

Hello, reader. This is the Kingdom of Me Not Knowing. Don't expect all stories to be in the same universe, and expect chickens. Because I like chickens.
There will also be more chickens. And did I mention chickens?

Published 2015-08-27 18:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-03-13 17:51:58 UTC

Luna Makes A Chicken Statue

Luna stared at the block of stone. Her horn lit up, chipping a tiny piece off of it. She cast a critical eye over it before taking off another flake. The sounds of her chipping echoed through the empty halls. Luna smiled; her work was almost complete.

"Luna, what are you doing?" Celestia asked, opening the door.

Luna froze. "Uuuuuuhh... Sculpting?" She turned around slowly to face her sister.

Celestia easily pushed Luna aside to get a better look. She snickered, shaking with barely contained laughter.

Luna glared indignantly at her. "What doth thou find so hilarious about our art?"

Celestia simply rolled on the floor. "A chicken! Oh my gosh..." She pounded her hooves on the floor as her laughter filled the room.

Luna rolled her eyes. "Thou are asking for it..." she muttered as she stared at the ceiling with intense concentration.

Celestia was so busy laughing, she didn't notice the portal slowly opening in the ceiling above her.

"BEHOLD!!! A MILLENNIUM OF FINE LUNAR ART!!!!" Luna roared in the Royal Canterlot voice. The portal burst open and a huge pile of chicken statues fell out, completely burying Celestia in chickenly artistic talent.

She smirked. "That'll teach thou," she chuckled to herself before exiting the room.

The sunrise was several hours late that day. Nopony dared ask why.

Author's Note

Don't ask why I write this stuff. I have no excuses whatsoever.

Gotta Taste the Rainbow

Rainbow Dash sat in the middle of the town square, chewing on her own tail.

"Uuuh, Rainbow?" Twilight asked. "What in Equestria are you doing?"

Rainbow spit out her tail and looked at Twilight like she was a sappy romance novel. "I'm tasting the rainbow. Duh."

She turned her back on Twilight and put her tail back in her mouth.

Twilight Discovers Shipping

Author's Note

This is my opinion on shipping. Please take into account the fact that this is written as a joke to produce laughter or something. And before you post 1001 examples of great shipfics, please take into account the fact that I frankly couldn't care less.

Also note that all websites and other stupid things are made up on a whim to further the plot.

Twilight Discovers Shipping

Twilight browsed the Internet, scrolling to the glow of her horn and the computer screen.

"Hmm, MLPFICS.pon? Sounds interesting," Twilight mused. "Maybe I'll check it out."

She clicked the link and was presented with a screenful of MLP fanfictions arranged in something resembling organization. She moved the mouse over the pop-up menu labeled "Tags".

"'Shipping'? What's that?" Twilight asked herself. Always needing answers, Twilight clicked the link.

It was a decision she would bitterly regret.

Or she would have, had her emotions not been fried on the spot.

A painfully long list of fanfiction was presented. Cheap romance scenes of every kind played out in her permanentally-damaged mind. Romance between her friends. It was so extremely incredibly stupid, Twilight wanted to kill herself.

"THIS IS SO STUPID!!!" Twilight screamed. "It's FRIENDSHIP is magic, not CHEAP ROMANCE is magic!!!"

Her mane was becoming more frazzled each second as she helplessly continued reading. Her horn gradually grew brighter and brighter, her concentration fading.

Twilight sank hopelessly onto the desk. "I just realized... 'Friendship' has 'ship' in it. My life has no meaning," she moaned. "I can't live on this world anymore."

Her horn reached an almost blinding brightness as her irises shrank to the size of bit coins. "I just has an idea!" Understanding dawned on Twilight as her sanity burned to ash. "If there's no Friendship is Magic, there's no FIM shipping!!!" It was a brilliant plan to an insane pony, which Twilight was. With this newfound knowledge as her guide, she pushed every ounce of magic out of her in a blinding flash.

Boom.

That's the only way to describe what happened next. Her entire castle exploded into a billion razor sharp shards. All her alicorn strength went into blowing up the entirity of Ponyville.

And that's how everypony died.

THE END.

The Weird Thingy

The 6 mares stared at the weird thing. It was pretty terrifying. Or it would have been, had it been taller than 6 inches.

"I keep telling you, I have no idea what it is!" Twilight said. "I was just trying this spell, and it's here!"

The weird thing simply stared at them ":D"

Twilight stared at it. "That's not even something you can say!" she exclaimed.

":D", the thing replied.

Twilight facehooved. "Buck it," she said.

":D :D"

"Uh, could you please stop doing that?" Rainbow Dash glared at the thing. "Breaking logic like that is sooo uncool."

":3".

Rainbow sighed. "I agree, Twi. Buck it."

They walked away, leaving the thing to it's weirdness.

":D"

The Majesty of Ditzy

The pegasus soared gloriously through the air. Her coat shone like silver, her mane like gold. Her majestic wings beat powerfully against the air, each feather a picture of perfection. The cutie mark on her flank gleamed with all the happiness of a thousand summers. Her eyes flashed like twin suns as she flew gracefully on.

Then she ran into the wall of a house.

Author's Note

Super majestic, amirite?

I'm Apparently in Equestria Now

I'm sitting on a tiny chair, in a tiny room, with a tiny teal horse talking to me. Or something. I'm not really paying attention; I'm too mentally busy doing pointless mental things such as wondering what crab ice cream would taste like. The tiny unicorn is chattering excitedly. She seems to think she's going to get answers, but I know better.

"Ohmygosh, are you a human?"

"No."

"Are you from another world?"

"No."

"Are you going to answer any questions?"

"No."

I feel like facepalming. But I have other things to do such as staring into space and thinking of sentences to write. The horse has started its chatter again. Aaaand it's another question.

"What is your name, anyway?"

Finally some sense or something resembling it. I wouldn't know; I'm not a tiny teal unicorn horse thing.

"My name? I'm not telling you what my name is, but you can call me Today. And today, I'll be going back now."

She has to give me just one more question.

"Are you coming back?"

"No."

Author's Note

Why did I write this? I have no idea myself, actually. :applejackconfused:

A Discombobulating Tale

"What does 'discombobulating' mean?" Twilight asked.

Fluttershy looked up from the book she was reading. "Um... I thought you would know, Twilight."

Twilight sighed. "It's just that this book I'm reading has the word in it, and I can't find the definition anywhere."

Pinkie Pie appeared out of nowhere waving her hoof frantically in the air. "IknowIknowIknowIknow!!!" she cried out.

Fluttershy backed off, a little unnerved by Pinkie's sudden appearance. "Uhh... how long were you in here?"

Pinkie giggled. "I've been here all day, silly! I found this wonderful cookbook so I sat in the bookshelf to read it and I fell asleep until I heard you say "discombobulated' and then I was awake because I knew!!!" She said all this very fast, but didn't look the tiniest bit out of breath.

"How do you sit in a bookshelf, anyway?' Twilight looked up from her book. "Never mind, questioning you always gives me headaches from brain overuse."

"But I know!!!!" Pinkie sat down, her mane rapidly unraveling.

Twilight sighed again. "Okay, tell me. But please make it quick."

Pinkie's mane bounced back up as she took a deep, deep breath.

Twilight did not like how things were going.

"SoonceuponatimetherewasachickenandaduckandtheywenttoCanterlotbecausetheskywasfallingsoIsaid"Sillybirds"andputthembackatFluttershyshouseandwenttoTwilightscastlebecauseIwashungryforliteraturebutIgotboredsoIthrewapartyandtherewasapoolofcaramelsyrupsoIdrankitandthenIhadatummyachesoIwenttotheparkandhidinatreeandgavepeopleminisurprisepartiesbecausetheylookedsadbuttheyranawaysoIthoughtIshouldtrysomenewrecipessoIwentbacktoTwilightscastleandgotacookbookandfellasleepandhereIam!!!!!!!!!"

"What?"

"That's what 'discombobulating means!!!" Pinkie said cheerily. "It's what I was just doing to you!"

Twilight scratched her head as Pinkie bounced out the door. "What...?"

Author's Note

"Discombobulated" means confused. And it's a cool word, so this story was born. This is also my forst time writing Pinkie, so forgive me there.

The Tickle

The flaming globe burst. The corrupt Princess Luna descended to the floor, smoke rising from her wings. She laughed evilly, displaying her slit eyes and sharp teeth.

"BEHOLD!!! I AM.... TICKLE MOON!!!" she roared. "I WILL BRING ETERNAL TICKLES TO EQUESTRIA!!!"

And she did.

Author's Note

Bow before your tickle overlord.

Bawk

"Bawk bawk bawk bawk, bawk bawk bawk." The majestic chicken sat on its throne.

"Yes, my lady," said a pegasus lord, out to inform the populace of Princess Chicklestia's decision.

"Bawk."

Chocolate

Pinkie Pie sat staring at the wonderful food item before her. She could feel it speaking.

"Eat me!" the chocolate seemed to say.

But Pinkie knew better. Before she could eat it, she needed a napkin.

Suddenly, a napkin fell out of her mane. "Well, that fixes that problem!"

Then she ate it. The chocolate, not the napkin.

Author's Note

Chocolate talks. Really.

Discord Doesn't Feel Like it

Twilight glared at Discord. "You know, you didn't need to turn everypony into a chicken!" Twilight seethed.

Discord simply stared at her. "You mean that isn't your idea of fun?"

"Yes!"

"Ah well," Discord rolled his eyes. "I don't feel like dealing with you anymore, anyway."

With a snap of his fingers, he turned Twilight into a chicken.

Luna Meets Inkling

Luna sat in the dream, having conjured a comfy pillow for herself. She watched the strange creature in front of her.

"So... thou hath a weapon named after us?" she asked.

The Inkling simply rolled his eyes. His voice sounded like he was speaking underwater.

"Yeah."

Luna grinned. "Can you show it to us?"

Another eye-roll. The Inkling pulled out a gun that looked rather like a large plastic egg with a handle. He pointed it at Luna's face. Then he pulled the trigger.

The unnamed Inkling walked away with a satisfied grin, leaving Luna covered in ink.

Author's Note

I needed to do this.

A Friendship Instructional Guide

How to Friendship:
-Hold hooves

That's it, that's the friendship. Enjoy.

Author's Note

Friendship is easy.

I beleive I can... Nevermind.

Scootaloo stood with trepidation at the top of the cliff, wings twitching slightly. Her friends stood next to their red wagon, cheering excitedly. She took a deep breath.

"I'm going to do it. I'm going to fly."

Apple Bloom cheered. "Ah know you can do it! Maybe you'll even get your cutie mark!"

Scootaloo smiled confidently before jumping off, wings flared. Time seemed to slow down and you would have sworn there weren't normally that many lens flares.

"I believe I can... "

She dropped like a rock.

"Nevermind."

Sweetie Bell winced. "Right in the pricker bushes. Just like the last 387 times."

Apple Bloom gave her a wondering look. "You counted?"

Author's Note

I can't believe I think of all this stupid stuff!

Never Ending Potato Vending

Lyra Heartstrings stared at the strange device before her. She looked at it from several angles, tapping it with one hoof.

"I have no idea what this is," she murmured, more to herself than to Bon Bon.

"Ditto."

Bon Bon read the label on the front. "Potato vending machine?"

"It says to put in a bit," Lyra replied.

The two mares shrugged simultaneously as Bon Bon pushed a bit into the coin slot.

A grating noise issued forth from the machine as the lights on it flickered. Eventually the noise stopped, punctuated by a triumphant "DING!"
Bon Bon pushed open the flap near the base of the machine as Lyra levitated something out.

It was a potato.

Both mares walked off with unamused expressions. In the background, a wall-eyed pegasus waved a flag that said "Never Ending Potato Vending!!!"

Author's Note

Inspired by this.

The Biography

Sweetie Belle levitated the thin book in her magic. Scootaloo tried and failed to peek at it, and Apple Bloom giggled, clapping her hooves.

"What's that?" Scootaloo asked.

Sweetie grinned. "It's your biography!"

Apple Bloom surpressed another giggle. "We wrote it just fer you!"

Scootaloo looked confused. "A bi-whatsitsname?"

"Biography. It's your life story!"

"Read it!" Applebloom grabbed the book and thrust it at Scootaloo.

Scootaloo scanned the title. "Life Story Of A Chicken?" She looked up. "Very funny, guys."

Apple Bloom started to turn around. "That's our cue to split!"

The two Crusaders bolted, furious orange pegasus hot on their tails.

"That -gasp- was a good one!" Sweetie said.

The Twentieth Chapter

Pinkie Pie jumped into the air, confetti appearing out of nowhere.

"Yay! It's the twentieth chapter already!!" she shouted.

Applejack tilted her head to the side. "Hate ta break it to ya, but this ain't some kinda story," she said.

Pinkie froze in midair. She suddenly went up in Applejack's face, moving faster then should have been physically possible. Putting one hoof over Applejack's mouth, she gave her a dark glare.

"You know nothing," she said, hissing.

Then she bounced away. "La la la la la!"

Applejack stood there, confused.

Suddenly, an anvil landed on her head. A grey pegasus winced as it made impact. "Oops," she said.

Author's Note

Pinkie breaks the fourth wall. Enjoy.

The Return of Dorito

Twilight trotted down the stairs to answer the door. A familiar white pegasus mare, holding something resembling a bazooka, waited for her outside.

"Oh, it's you," she said in a rather frustrated voice.

The pegasus nodded. "I'm back, and I'm gonna make you pay!" she yelled. She grinned evilly. "I invented a chicken launcher/superglue gun hybrid!"

A puffy explosion noise followed as a chicken was superglued to Twilight's face.

"And that's how I got a chicken on my face," said Princess Twilight Sparkle the Chickenfaced. The chicken bawked.

Author's Note

Never piss off someone with a chicken launcher/superglue gun hybrid.

The Wi-Fi

Echo trotted down the moonlit hall, her hooves clicking against the tiled floor. She hummed a simple tune as she went. Her Night Guard armor barely whispered as she moved, a testimony to the hours she spent oiling it.

A sudden sound hit her sensitive ears, causing Echo to stiffen. As she resumed walking, the sounds untangled into a mare's voice streaming curses. Echo rolled her eyes. The Night Guard never used words like that; They didn't have the stoicness of the Day Guard, but there were limits to their... means of expression.

The cursing grew steadily louder until a luminescent pink unicorn rounded a corner. Echo stopped, but the unicorn was staring at a metal rectangle floating in a crimson aura. The unicorn was giving the strange object a glare like it had given her socks for Hearth's Warming.

The unicorn, occupied by her device, didn't notice Echo until they collided with a harsh clanging. Echo's hind legs gave out, as did the other unicorn's. Echo decided to call her Blinding.

Blinding had stopped cursing and was staring at the metal rectangle with a mixture of excitement and awe. Echo stared at her for a moment, before coughing.

"Excuse me?" she said.

Blinding didn't look up. She seemed utterly entranced.

Echo blinked, then snorted. "Well, that's rude," she said. When Blinding didn't respond, she shrugged and pushed herself back onto her hooves.

The unicorn suddenly snarled. She cursed, raised her head, and hissed like some bizarre, neon-pink animal. Echo jumped, eyes wide, and snapped her draconic wings open. She flapped to gain altitude, swooping over the feral pink pony.

As Echo swooped past branching corridors, more ponies shambled out. They came in all races and colors, but each mare and stallion sported the same bloodshot eyes and silvery rectangles. Echo gaped for a second before she twisted, narrowly avoiding a pillar.

As her wings creaked and strained, several pegasi leapt after her. Their wings beat erratically as they came closer until one blue pony brought her down.

Echo flinched as she collapsed into a sitting position. She expected the zombified ponies to attack her, but when she felt nothing, she dared to open her eyes. She was surprised by what she saw.

The ponies were sitting or lying down on the floor, their rectangles casting a sickly light onto their faces. Some snorted or snickered, while others grinned stupidly. Echo blinked at them and stood up.

The ponies started snarling at her.

She sat back down, and they stopped.

She stood up, and they started again. when she sat back down, they went back to staring at their strange objects.

Echo prepared herself for a really long night.

Echo was staring idly at Blinding when she heard the hoofsteps. She immediately perked up. Perhaps sompony had finally noticed her absence! Maybe she wouldn't be bored anymore!

As the footsteps drew closer, though, she knew something was off. She could hear the rapid tap-tap-tap of a galloping pony and a sound like a minotaur running, but not the same. Her private mystery was answered as two beings rounded the corner.

The first was a bizarre bipedal creature, with pale, hairless skin and a shock of brown mane.

The second was Princess Celestia, and she looked furious. Her fury only grew as she saw the ponies scattered across the hall.

"DAMMIT, I TOLD YOU TO NOT SHOW THEM THE IPHONES!" she said in a resounding voice.

Author's Note

Because I thought Echo's cutie mark looks like a sideways Wi-Fi symbol. Therefore, if she turns her butt sideways, she emits wi-fi! Perfect logic!

The Duel of Dorito

"I'm a chicken."

The white pegasus mare gave Twilight a slightly unfocused stare. She had a tri-color mane of pink, yellow, and brown, and she wore an undersized stetson. She stood rigidly, staring with the undeniable truth of her statement. Twilight thought otherwise.

"Actually, although you do have wings, I'm pretty sure you aren't a chicken. For one thing, chickens don't have hooves," Twilight said.

The pegasus stared angrily, her eyes snapping into focus. She voiced her mind with the same pure truth that was in her gaze.

"Oh, buck you."

My Little Chicken

Princess Celestia rose before the sun. Quite literally, as she was the one who rose the sun. Her golden magical glow lifted the sun above the horizon before she even noticed anything was amiss.

The first thing was that Celestia was about a third of the height she had been last night.

The second thing was that she didn't feel like thinking about it anyway.

With what curiosity she could feel, Celestia hopped on her desk to look in the mirror. What looked back at her was the most beautiful, majestic creature ever to appear on the world.

Celestia was a chicken.

Everypony else was also a chicken. It was chaos.

In Ponyville, chickens of every color, some with little horns, flapped about, bawking loudly. They pecked the ground and each other. One displayed her advanced, almost coleslaw-level intelligence by getting stuck in a fence. It was glorious. It was majestic. It smelled really weird for some reason.

Twilight sat outside her castle door. How she had gotten there was a mystery, considering she had the intelligence of a cardboard box and couldn't have possibly navigated her way outside. She also seemed way too inactive to have wandered out on her own, but there she was. Sitting directly outside of the door, she was doing something resembling taking notes by scratching the dirt.

In Canterlot, many chickens in fancy clothes walked around, clucking a lot and pecking the ground randomly. Several fell off the edge of the city and flew through the air like rainbow kites. They sat on tables and went through doors. It was lovely.

The next day, everything was normal, so Twilight wrote a friendship letter.

Dear Princess Celestia,
Yesterday everyone in Equestria was a chicken. I am still investigating the cause. But I don't feel like writing right now, so bye, I guess.
Signed, Princess Twilight Sparkle

She didn't notice the purple chicken feathers that littered the floor.

Author's Note

Yeah.

It's Ketchup, I Swear

Patty walked into Sugercube Corner. The ordinary tan unicorn opened the door with one hoof and marched up to the counter. Voices whispered in the corners, sounding increasingly panicked until one pegasus said what everyone was thinking.

"RUUUUNNN!!!"

Patty sighed as ponies panicked, jumping over tables and colliding with each other. Her ears pricked up as Pinkie Pie bounced to the counter.

"Hellooo, Patty! What can I get you today?" Pinkie seemed unaffected by the terror that has the others spellbound.

A voice hissed from a corner. "Pinkie, what are you doing with that murderer? Run!"

Patty sighed and looked at her flank. The large red splotch that was her cutie mark had brought trouble ever since she had it. She flicked her mustard-yellow tail and turned in the general direction of the speaker.

"How many times have I told you? It's ketchup, not blood!" she seethed. A terrified whimper came from the corner.

Turning back to Pinkie she apologized. "Ponies are always afraid of me. It's ketchup, I swear! Anyway, I'll have a blueberry muffin and some coffee."

Pinkie smiled. "Comin' right up!" She dashed behind a door and came back with the food almost instantly.

Patty smiled. "Sometimes, Pinkie, I think you're my only friend in this world." She dropped a hoofull of bits on the counter.

"They're probably cursed," the voice said.

Patty turned around. "I've already warned you once. You will suffer the consequences." Her eye twitched slightly as her horn lit up with a blo-ketchup colored glow. A red beam struck the speaker in the chest, covering him in ketchup.

He screamed and broke several speed records bolting out of Sugercube Corner.

Patty sighed. "C'mon, guys. It's just ketchup."

Author's Note

This was gonna be short but these stories always get away from me.

Twilight Terror

Twilight Sparkle stared in horror. It was there on the table in front of her. She shuddered uncontrollably.

"W-w-why is t-there a *gulp* quesadilla here?" she stammered.

Spike simply smirked. "I honestly have no clue," he said.

Twilight slowly slid under the table, all the time watching the cheese running out of the quesadilla.Her horn lit up as she prepared the spell that would obliterate this threat once and for all. She blew the table up.

Watching the smoking remains of her enemy, she sighed.

"That was close," she remarked. "Spiike!! Clean this ash up, will you?"

Author's Note

In Party Pooped it mentions Twilight's fear of quesadillas. So here you go.

Twilight vs. Twilight

Author's Note

Caution: Contains gore in the form of the word "bloody" used in a description.

Inspired by this lovely conversation I read somewhere:

"Tell me some books that will blow my mind."

"Twilight. You'll start reading and then immediately shoot yourself in the face."

Twilight vs. Twilight

Princess Twilight Sparkle, Element of Magic, Princess of Friendship (Twilight for short) looked at the box. It wasn't very big, about the same size as the paperback novels she occasionally bought. Using her mystical friendship alicorn powers, she levitated the package up, tearing a letter from off the front. She carefully ripped the envelope in half, taking the note from inside.

Dear Princess,
Try our Book Challenge! We send you a book, and you read it! Tell us what you think at the end!

Signed, Chicken Publishing (The Best Publishing Company Ever)

Twilight scratched her head. "Read a book? I read 69 books every day," she said in her confused confusion. "Whatever. It can't hurt."

She opened the little box, taking the book out. It said "Twilight" on the cover. Twilight tried to wrap her head around the concept of a book being titled after her. Whatever. She was the most popular princess, anyway. She sat down in her favorite beanbag chair and started to read.

Spike walked into the castle library, whistling. He very suddenly stopped, looking at Twilight's bloody corpse. The dead princess was lying next to a book and a pistol.

Spike sighed and went to look for a mop.

BUT EVERYTHING WAS A LIE!

Twilight and Celestia strolled calmly down a sunlit hall. It was a familiar place, with stained glass windows depicting the triumphs of friendship. The floors were immaculately clean, everything was colorful and bright, and it was perfect.

"What did you bring me here for?" asked Twilight.

Celestia smiled her famous, serene smile. "Well, I enjoy your company, Twilight. Also, I have a secret to share with you."

Twilight gasped. "What kind of secret?" she asked.

"It's a secret that you may find you were happier not knowing. But, if it is your wish, I will tell you," Celestia replied. She slowly opened her wings, their wide span casting a shadow across the smaller alicorn. Twilight grinned.

"Tell me, please!" she said, seeming almost foal-like in her enthusiasm.

Celestia frowned. "Very well," she said, her horn glowing a bright golden yellow.

Twilight didn't understand. She recognized the spell building at her mentor's horn. It was an illusion-breaking spell. Why would she use it here?

Celestia turned her head and brushed the tip of her horn against Twilight's wing. There was a loud snap, like a balloon popping, as her purple feathers vanished.

In their place were many crudely cut cardboard pieces, vaguely resembling feathers. Runes glowed along the cardboard. Runes to enable flight and boost magic. Twilight's jaw fell open. She slumped to the floor in shock, staring at the edge of a package label on one feather. Then she disappeared.

Celestia smirked into a corner. "You can come out now, Luna."

The darker alicorn materialized, appearing in the shadows. Her horn lit in teal, casting a detailed illusion spell over Twilight's winds. "Was it sucessful, Tia?" she said.

Celestia smiled. "Best. Prank. Ever."

Author's Note

Because Trollestia is Bestlestia.