The Pinkie Parableby RQKChaptersII. Pinkie Pie Fights The NarratorIII. The Story Itself Disobeys The NarratorIV. The Unused ChapterV. Pinkie Pie Attempts To Fix The StoryI. Pinkie Pie Disobeys The NarratorII. Pinkie Pie Fights The NarratorPinkamena Diane Pie, known as Pinkie Pie by all, shot up in her bed. She fought with her naturally curly mane, whipping it into a facsimile of a shape, and then she looked out the window. A stream of sunlight filtered in through the shutters and hit her in the face, feeding her just enough energy to yawn. “Today’s gunna be a fun day!” she declared. Pinkie Pie said nothing. Instead, she sat in her bed and smacked her lips, taking further moments to stretch. Pinkie Pie wasted no more time and hopped out of bed. She pronked through her bedroom door and slid down the stairs, arriving in the kitchen faster than one could say “cupcake”. She threw herself together a bowl of cereal and a cup of coffee and as she sat herself at the table, Pinkie Pie glanced out the window and grinned. Today, she was going to Twilight Sparkle’s palace. There, she would hang out with her bestest friends in the whole wide world. There would be so much to do at the castle, or perhaps there would be nothing at all. She didn’t mind since she had never had a problem with figuring things out before. And, after all, her friends would not mind either, since sometimes simply being together was its own reward. As she ate, her eyes remained fixed on the sunlight outside. After placing her used dishes in the sink, Pinkie Pie took one look at the clock. She still had time. She needed it. After all, even after a perfect breakfast, there was still the matter of hygiene. So Pinkie Pie trotted back up the stairs and into her washroom where she took a few minutes to clean her teeth. Pinkie Pie used her toothbrush to scrub everything but her teeth. Pinkie Pie had no idea how to employ proper hygienic techniques. A toothbrush, as the name implied, was meant to be used on the teeth. But here, she used it to wash her body. But, in any case, there was still the matter of her mouthwash. Pinkie Pie grabbed the mouthwash out of the cabinet and poured some into her mouth. Pinkie Pie immediately swallowed it. What… Did you just swallow that? I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that, you could get sick from that! Pinkie Pie threw her head back and laughed before dousing herself with a sprinkle of water. Sigh. The water rejuvenated her mane and tail, even if they would remain tangled as they were meant to be. She was ready. She returned to the clock downstairs. Surely, the others were on their way over to the castle by now. Pinkie Pie grabbed an orange on her way out toward the door, knowing she would need something to mitigate the mouthwash. She placed it inside her mane for safe-keeping. Pinkie Pie crossed over to the front door and opened it. She looked out across the plaza and into Ponyville, watching as a few ponies strolled about in the morning air. She took in a deep breath, reveling in the perfect air of a perfect day. And with that, Pinkie Pie stepped out the door and into the fresh air of Ponyville. As Pinkie Pie looked up, she noticed the clear blue skies above. She couldn’t find a single cloud. Of course, there had been no clouds scheduled for the day, and so it would remain bright and sunny for the entire day. She passed by humble building after humble building, waving at every pony that crossed her path and then some. As the warm summer sun beat down on her, a cool breeze swept through the streets to offset it, keeping her at a perfect temperature. Pinkie Pie briefly stopped to talk to Cheerilee who, with a saddlebag on her back, was making her way toward the schoolhouse. “Hey Cheerilee!” Pinkie Pie greeted. Cheerilee stopped in her tracks and turned around. “Why hello there Pinkie Pie. Nice day, isn’t it?” Pinkie Pie looked up at the clear skies above with a contemplative smile on her face. With each passing second the smile faded, but it never turned into a full-on frown. A devilish smirk appeared on her face. “Nope! Today’s not a good day at all!” Cheerilee jumped. “What… do you mean by that, Pinkie Pie? It looks gorgeous out today.” “Because you’re not actually saying that!” Pinkie Pie said, pointing an accusing hoof. “You’re under mind control, Cheerilee!” …Mind control!? Pinkie Pie retrieved the fruit out of her mane and squished it between her hooves, splattering pulpy juice all over Cherilee. “The power of orange compels you! The power of orange compels you!” I don’t believe it. Cheerilee recoiled. “Pinkie! Stop it!’ “I have to break her out of your terribly terrible enchantment!” Pinkie Pie cried as she aimed for Cheerilee’s face. “Don’t worry! I’ll save you!” Cheerilee scowled. “Not with an orange you’re not!” “Mind control!” Okay, this is getting out of hoof. I am ending this now. Pinkie Pie’s orange quickly ran out of juice, sputtering into a flat and lifeless state. It flopped about within Pinkie Pie’s hooves and she threw it to the ground. Pinkie Pie threw the orange at Cheerilee’s face. It landed dead-on with a splat. …That only served to further drive the purple mare further into agitation. For the first time during the entire encounter, a blood vessel appeared on the rim of Cheerilee’s forehead and the mare growled. “Pinkie Pie…” she growled as the fruit slid down her face. Pinkie Pie gasped. “Nooooooo!” she cried, falling to her forelegs and cursing the heavens. “I need more ammo! I need to find more oranges!” Cheerilee snorted and shook her head. The schoolteacher turned and without another word stalked down the street, grumbling about having to find something to wash her hair. She disappeared around a corner. Pinkie Pie leapt to her feet and looked down another street. Her hindlegs wound up and she used the resulting momentum to propel herself forward. Her route took her away from the castle and away from the story, and yet somehow that was something she was used to doing. Pinkie Pie weaved through street after street, alleyway after alleyway, around cart after cart as she thundered along to an unknown destination. Pinkie Pie arrived in the marketplace. “Here we go!” Yes, an entire street dedicated to stalls filled with various wares, most of them of an edible nature. Pony haggled with pony as they negotiated prices. Groceries dropped into bags as bits clinked onto the wooden countertops. A couple of participants—a buyer and a seller—discussed the finer points of vintage records without thought to their current transaction. But all of the orange vendors were gone; their stalls sat empty, devoid of so much as signage indicating that they were there. Their neighbors took fleeting glances at the empty stalls with slight shakes of their heads before resuming business. Pinkie Pie frowned. “What…? Where are the oranges at? They’re supposed to be right here!” “There’s an orange shortage,” said another shopper as she levitated several bags of vegetables behind her. Pinkie Pie sank to the ground. “Whaaaaat!? No fair! Mister Narrator, that’s… cheating! You’re a cheater cheater pumpkin pie eater!” Well, I really don’t see how you could break them out of mind control with orange juice, for one. And two, they don’t have the capability to see past their three walls. Pinkie Pie raised her hoof into the air. “Discord—” Is a spirit of chaos who prides himself in not making sense. Pinkie Pie’s cheeks puffed outwards and bits of steam flared out of the ears on the back of her head. “I still think I could do it.” She sighed, “Oh, all those poor ponie-wonies out there that can’t make any choices of their own right now…” she said as she looked out across the street. “Can’t do anything but whatever you come up with…” Well you see. Pinkie Pie, that is a natural consequence of narrative storytelling. In the end, the characters of a story are just as subject to the narrator’s devices as much as the story itself is. Pinkie Pie shook her head and silently stared into the ground, her ears pressed against the back of her head. Don’t feel too bad. Us storytellers really like the characters of this world. That’s why we all came here in the first place. Well, most of us. I’ve seen the occasional troll fic here and there and I can’t say for certain, but you must trust me Pinkie Pie. We do have your interests in mind. What’s say we cease these silly things and get on with the story already? “Well I still don’t like it! Not, one, teensy-eensy-weensy bit!” I’m most certain that they do want to read the story. Isn’t that right, reader? “No you don’t.” Do you want to read my story? Pinkie Pie jumped into the air. “You don’t have to answer that!” And then, as she landed, she placed a hoof under her muzzle and rubbed it out of thought. “Wait, waitwaitwait. Waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait! I just realized something! They can’t answer that anyways! Because they’re stuck behind a screen somewhere. You’re stuck behind a screen! And you’re over there and we’re over here!” You divined all of that, hmmmm? “Yeah! Or my middle name isn’t Riddle!” But… it’s not? Pinkie Pie blew a raspberry. “Details, Mister Narrator. Details. But,” she said, crossing her forelegs with a smug grin on her face, “I’m really really sure they don’t want to read your story. Because, and I quote, ‘Booooooooooorring!’” Well… while it is true that we are limited in terms of communication, since they are reading this sentence of narration, I will assume that they said yes. Pinkie Pie did nothing but let her mouth hit the ground. It did, literally. That’s a victory for logic, by the way. In almost an instant, the fluff fell out of Pinkie Pie’s mane. While she didn’t detangle entirely, much of the color from before had drained out of her. An ambient energy, previously present within the imperceptible but constant shudderings of her body, faded away. Pinkie Pie let her head slump toward the ground with a downtrodden sigh. “Oakie-dokie-lokie…” I’m glad you’ve come to your senses, Pinkie Pie. And just remember, I do all of this for you. I am hoping that today’s story, in which you go to Twilight’s castle, will be as enjoyable for you as it is developmental. I’d dare say you’ll be very glad you went through this by the time we’re done. Pinkie Pie stood up straight. Looking around and finding her bearings, she headed through the marketplace. While she could not spot oranges of any kind due to the orange shortage, everything else that she saw was ripe, full of life, hungry for potential customers to come by and scoop them up. She eventually rounded a corner onto another street, and then a corner after that. Eventually she arrived on the road that would take her all the way to the castle. A large, tree-like structure, whose crystal skeleton sparkled in the sunlight, peered down at her from the horizon, and slowly crept up toward her as she pronked down the street. Pinkie Pie always liked the sight of the castle. Its bright and vibrant colors and its clean yet abstract design filled her with a warmth every time she looked at it. As she headed inside the castle, Pinkie Pie saw the equally immaculate insides. The cool floor met her hooves, sending a small pleasurable shiver through her spine. She wandered around an eternally interesting magical map in the throne room and headed up the stairs. And there were still so many things about the castle that she had yet to discover. Pinkie Pie let of a small giggle at that. Pinkie Pie made her way through the halls on her way to meet with her friends. At the fork, she took a right toward the dining room. Soon enough, Pinkie Pie found herself in the dining room. Five ponies sat around the circular table in the center of the room, engaged in idle gossip as they talked about their days. Rainbow Dash perked up. “Oh hey!” she exclaimed, leaping to her hooves. “Pinkie’s here.” The other four mares in the room looked over as well and threw their own greetings to her. “Hey hey hey!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, throwing a wide smile as she joined her bestest friends in the whole wide world at the table. Twilight Sparkle leaned over the table. “I’m glad you finally made it Pinkie. I was starting to get a little worried there.” “Darn tootin’,” Applejack agreed. “Usually you’re here quicker than we are.” Pinkie Pie chuckled. “Yeeeaaaahhhhh I get that a loooot.” As Pinkie Pie sat down, she noticed that while several cans of whipped cream lay in the center of the table, there was nothing else. “Where’s Spike at?” she asked. “Oh, he’s fixin’ up some pies,” Applejack replied. Fluttershy sniffed the air, catching a whiff of the thick aroma that wafted in from the next room. “It sure smells good.” “Indeed,” Rarity concurred. “My Spiky-wikey is an excellent chef. I’m sure whatever he puts out will be simply divine.” Rainbow Dash, meanwhile, ignored the whole conversation as she stared into the cans in the center of the table. When everypony wasn’t looking, she grabbed one without making any indication that she had done so before stashing it beneath her seat. The cyan pegasus checked to make sure she hadn’t been caught before she looked for a potential target. Her eyes eventually settled on Applejack, who sat next to her. She smirked. In a single movement, Rainbow Dash leaned over and sprayed some whipped cream onto Applejack’s back. Applejack leapt several feet into the air. “Hey now!” she cried. “Cut that out!” Rainbow Dash snickered in response and proceeded to unleash the entire can on Applejack. “You varmit!” Applejack exclaimed as she swiped her hoof across the table, reaching for something. Her hoof fell on another one of the cans of whipped cream. “Two can play that game, Rainbow Dash!” she said before unleashing her own can at the pegasus. Rainbow Dash reeled backwards but not without laughing. As she did, she fell into Twilight. Twilight recoiled at that, and drew a line with her eyes back toward Applejack, who met her piercing gaze and buckled. Twilight grinned mischievously and magically lifted another can of whipped cream. “Now I get it. This is—” Pinkie Pie snatched the nearest can of whipped cream off of the table and unloaded it into Twilight’s face. Well. Yes. Uhm, Twilight pawed at her own face in a quick attempt to get the whipped cream off. The others giggled in response. “Whipped cream fight,” Pinkie Pie said with an excitement akin to Maud Pie. Eh-hem. As the four of them excitedly shot whipped cream at each other, Rarity ducked under the table and curled up into a ball, all the while yelling at how uncouth they were behaving. Fluttershy, meanwhile, looked on from behind a juice box, smiling like an entertained spectator all the while. Even after exhausting several cans, the four continued at each other with varied results. But eventually the cans ran out and the four mares sat there, laughing between themselves. “See,” Twilight said, “it’s funny because the Pinkie Pie at Canterlot High had a bunch of whipped cream in her fridge.” Rarity reappeared from under the table with one eyebrow raised higher than the other. “Well, yes… that does… certainly sound like something Pinkie Pie would do…” “So we all channeled Pinkie Pie there for a second, huh?” Twilight said. Rainbow Dash chuckled. “I have an idea,” she said with a mischievous grin. “Let’s see who can be the best Pinkie Pie.” The other girls giggled in response. At that point, Pinkie Pie said, “But I’m Pinkie Pie! And Pinkie Pie is Pinkie Pie! Accept noooo substitutes!” Pinkie Pie said nothing. …I said, Pinkie Pie said, “But I’m Pinkie Pie! And Pinkie Pie is Pinkie Pie! Accept noooo substitutes!” Pinkie Pie, again, said nothing. She stared onwards, watching the other five. …Pinkie Pie remained silent through it all. Therefore, it fell on Fluttershy to voice what was on the tip of everypony’s tongue: “But isn’t Pinkie Pie the best Pinkie Pie? She is Pinkie Pie after all…” “Well then, how about the second-best Pinkie Pie!?” Twilight exclaimed. Fluttershy smiled. “I would watch that.” Rarity cleared her throat, averting her gaze as well as anything else that she could avert. “Quite. You all… do that. I’ll just stay right over here.” “Just the three of us then?” Applejack asked. “That’s what it looks like,” Twilight said as she cantered over to Pinkie Pie. “And you… you’ll be our judge, right?” Pinkie Pie looked between the three of them as they looked back at her expectedly. She wasn’t sure how she felt having them try to do impressions of her. Could that really end well? Would it make her aware of habits of hers that she wasn’t proud of? The other three waited on her to respond. “Right?” Twilight asked with a big toothy grin across her face. Pinkie Pie sat with a blank expression for a few moments before she sputtered out loud. “Noooooo! No way! I’m not gunna judge ‘em! I’m not gunna! I’m not! I’m not.” Pinkie. “Nope! Nope! Nope!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. She stood up. “Nope!” She turned around. “Nope!” She shook her head. “Nope!” She walked toward the door. “Nope!” Twilight Sparkle jumped in place before she used her magic to seal the door shut. “Pinkie Pie! Where are you going!?” “I won’t do it! I’m not gunna play along with this story and watch you control my friends, you mean mean narrator!” That is just not fair! “She’s not even saying any of that! You’re saying all that stuff. I’m not okay with it!” Twilight Sparkle sprinted forward. “Pinkie Pie, I know you’re upset. But please, trust me, as a friend. We want to do this too.” Pinkie Pie glowered in front of the door. “Pinkie, we get to spend time together today. We’ve been thinking about this all week, and I know that’s what you wanted to do too coming into this. Please, let us sit back down and have a good time. What do you say?” Pinkie Pie whirled around and punched Twilight Sparkle in the jaw, causing the mare to fall unconscious onto the floor. OH COME ON. “Mind control!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. For the last time! It’s not mind control! “I might have been okay with Cheerilee. But using my bestest best friends in the whole wide wide world as… puppets!? Nope!” Pinkie Pie… I am starting to lose my patience with you. I have already explained all of that to you. Pinkie Pie reared, standing on her hind legs. “Then explain this! Take that!” she cried as she let off a left hook. OW! Pinkie Pie danced in place, keeping her narrowed eyes trained in front of her as she mimicked fists. “Put ‘em up, Mister Narrator! Put ‘em up!” …You …hit me!? How… how did you do that? “And that!” she cried as she punched again. Ow! Stop that! Whatever you’re doing! “And that!” Ouch! “And this!” Oooff! Pinkie Pie roared with laughter. “Haha! That’ll teach ya!” Oh for the love of— How are you doing this!? “Don’t you know?” Pinkie said with a smug expression. “It’s the first rule of cartoons! I can do anything as long as it’s funny!” …How? This is a fan-fiction. Not a cartoon. “It’s a fiction of a cartoon, so it’s close enough,” she said. I am the narrator! And I will not stand for this! “Take that!” she said with a kick. STOP IT. “Put em up!” FINE. I will. Let’s see how you like this… new story that I have for you. In a single moment, the four other mares at the table jumped across the room. Each of her friends stood poised with their heads lowered, ready to charge. “Ah don’t very much appreciate what ya just did to Twilight, Pinkie Pie,” Applejack growled. Rainbow Dash let out a snort. “Yeah, if you think I’m gunna let you get away with that, you better think again!” “Absolutely revolting behavior!” Rarity cried. “You should be ashamed of yourself!” There it was, Pinkie’s friends pitted against her. The four of them scrapped their hooves against the floor, their reports echoing throughout the hall. It seemed to tremble under their indignation and the air seemed to hold its breath. And they advanced. While Rarity and Rainbow Dash and Applejack took the helm, Fluttershy followed them. They closed in on Pinkie Pie with glowering expressions. They stalked as a whole, edging closer and closer, and there was nothing Pinkie Pie could do to prevent them from taking her. To that end, Rarity lunged. After all, she wouldn’t hurt her best friends, would she? Pinkie Pie took a quick glance at the very definitely unconscious Twilight Sparkle as the latter drooled all over the floor before delivering Rarity an uppercut. “Hii-yaa!” Rarity was sent toppling backwards, landing well on the other side of the room. Oh. “No, I wouldn’t,” Pinkie Pie said. “But you see Mister Narrator, those aren’t my friends anymore. You kinda ruined them and everything.” Of all the no good— Okay. You’re asking for it. Really, you are. Applejack and Rainbow Dash lunged at the same time in response! The two let out loud and proud battle cries as they pounced on Pinkie Pie! Pinkie Pie jumped between the two of them and landed on her hind hooves in a karate-pose. The pegasus doubled back and renewed her efforts to tackle Pinkie Pie to the ground. Pinkie Pie backflipped, driving her hindleg into Rainbow Dash’s abdomen, letting out a short and pointed, “Kick!” Rainbow Dash, like Rarity before her, went sailing across the room, hitting the ground with a thud. Are you kidding me? Pinkie Pie somersaulted across the floor, almost dancing across it. Applejack was not far behind! She was close enough to Pinkie that the mare could not respond in time! “Super duper round house kick gooooooo!” Pinkie Pie called out as she twirled about. Pinkie Pie’s hoof slammed into Applejack, sending the mare, again, across the room. …Wow. I… I don’t. I don’t know how you did that. “I can do anything when it’s funny. I can do kung fu!” Pinkie Pie cheered, jamming a hoof into the air. You… you… I’m not through yet. I… “Oh are ya?” Pinkie Pie said with a challenging glare. Fluttershy… Fluttershy… Pinkie Pie’s frown bared teeth. Fluttershy… was nowhere near any of them. During the bedlam, she had retreated toward the door. Without another moment's hesitation she hurried through the door and out of the scene. Pinkie Pie nodded. “Good call. She’s so sensitive, you know.” I know! I know. You infuriating little…You little... “Take that!” OUCH! Why you… Pinkie Pie giggled. “I won! I won! Yippee horray!” she cheered, clapping her hooves together. That can’t be right… We all know you didn’t put any real effort into… that. You hit them once and they got knocked out! “Ooooooooo,” Pinkie Pie cooed, “someone’s salty!” How did you even do that!? “Becaaaaaause, it was funny!” That’s not even fair! But okay. I see. They’re ponies. Maybe I should bring Spike in here to teach you some manners. Pinkie Pie jabbed a hoof into the air. “Funny!” I’ll summon Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. “Funny!” I’ll… uhm… summon Discord. “Funny!” I’ll… I’ll… I will have the castle fight you. Pinkie Pie went to speak, but paused. The words caught in her throat as she spaced out for a moment. She made a few noises as she placed her hooves around her mouth. Her face turned a bright red as she fought something back. But then it overwhelmed her and she fell backwards onto the floor in a giggling fit. What? Pinkie Pie wiped away a tear from her eye, only for another to form. “Oh Mister Narrator, that would be really fun! And really funny!” So you’re saying there’s a chance? Pinkie Pie shook her head. “Nope a dope! Use that noodle and just picture it. Me? Little ol’ me suplexing a castle? I’d win that in a landslide!” …I’m really starting to wonder if you’re transcending funny into the just plain absurd. “I’d still get some laughs out of it though.” And… then you would win. “Yuuup!” Well… I… umm… “Aaaaadmit it, Mister Narrator! I got this all locked up.” I… suppose you do. Pinkie Pie threw some streamers into the air. “Winner winner hay sandwich dinner! And now! For my final trick, I’m going to helicopter away.” You’re going to what? The mare threw her tail about. It swished slowly at first, but as she went it picked up speed. Her tail drew upwards, audibly whirring as it pulled higher into the air. Eventually, it pulled Pinkie Pie upwards as well, lifting the mare off the floor and into the air. Reader, you think this is all absurd. Right? Yes, yes, I am perfectly aware that she has done this in the source material before, thank you. Pinkie Pie coptered her way toward an opened in the ceiling and squeezed through the window, letting out a joyful screech as she did so. Well wait a moment! She flew onwards, over the castle, and over the town of Ponyville. The arrangement of houses and stores passed below her. The residents looked like ants from how high she was, and yet Pinkie Pie recognized every single one of them. She giggled. She looked onwards toward the large orange ball that sat on the horizon. The setting sun welcomed her, stretching its golden rays out to embrace her. As the clouds watched from sides far off from her, equally golden in their splendor, Pinkie Pie flew on and on until she was nothing more than a speck against the sunset. UM. Well, that happened I suppose. I don’t even have a main character anymore. Since, you know, she just up and flew off. Which that presents a very big issue. I really wanted to tell this story. Really, I did. Though who am I kidding? I must admit defeat. I lost this battle a long time ago. And so it was thus. Pinkie Pie never returned to Ponyville. There’s a saying that she never reappeared at all. Some say she flew across the sea. Others say that she flew to the stars. Others still say that she flew until she reached a universe made entirely of sit-coms. As it is, her fate is unknown. The citizens of the town went on and on, but it was never the same without Pinkie Pie. The town grew dull and listless, one of which they had seen right before Twilight’s ascension. What a shame really, since Pinkie Pie was so integral to the town’s very livelihood. The Rainbow Power, now forever incomplete without the former Element of Laughter, could no longer protect Equestria from the dark forces that lie in wait. Naturally, a short time later, Equestria was colonized by aliens. Author's Note Attempts to locate Miss Pie have proved unsuccessful. While we have located instances of Pinkie Pie in other stories, including those here at RQK productions, we have reason to believe that they are not the same Pinkie Pie. However, we do not have definitive proof of this at this time. We ask you, the reader, that if you have any tips or information that can lead to the location of Miss Pie, please call the Pinkie Pie Procurement hotline by dialing 3141592653 on your phone at this time. Tips can also be left in the comments section. Thank you and have a safe and pleasant day. III. The Story Itself Disobeys The NarratorPinkamena Diane Pie, known as Pinkie Pie by all, shot up in her bed. She fought with her naturally curly mane, whipping it into a facsimile of a shape, and then she looked out the window. A stream of sunlight filtered in through the shutters and hit her in the face, feeding her just enough energy to yawn. “Today’s gunna be a fun day!” she declared. Gummy, her pet alligator, looked up at her from the table on the other side of the room. He blinked once, licked himself, and then fell back asleep. Pinkie Pie hopped out of bed and arched her back, stretched the last of the Z’s out of her. She pronked through her bedroom door and slid down the stairs, arriving in the kitchen faster than one could say “cupcake”. She threw herself together a bowl of cereal and a cup of coffee and as she sat herself at the table, Pinkie Pie glanced out the window and grinned. Today, she was going to Twilight Sparkle’s palace. There, she would hang out with her bestest friends in the whole wide world. There would be so much to do at the castle, or perhaps there would be nothing at all. She didn’t mind since she had never had a problem with figuring things out before. And, after all, her friends would not mind either, since sometimes simply being together was its own reward. As she ate, her eyes remained fixed on the sunlight outside. After placing her used dishes in the sink, Pinkie Pie took one look at the clock. She still had time. She needed it. After all, even after a perfect breakfast, there was still the matter of hygiene. So Pinkie Pie trotted back up the stairs and into her washroom where she took a few minutes to clean her teeth. One brushing of her teeth and then a mouthwash later, she examined her sparkling whites in the mirror, allowing her smile to grow even wider as she drank in her good work. Before she left, she sprinkled some water over herself to rejuvenate her mane and tail, even if they would remain tangled as they were meant to be. She was ready. She returned to the clock downstairs. Surely, the others were on their way over to the castle by now. Pinkie Pie crossed over to the front door and opened it. On the other side of the door, an immaculate, crystalline room whose walls functioned as bookshelves met her. A round table lay in the center of the room, around which five ponies lounged about, laughing at each other through the whipped cream all over their faces. Rainbow Dash perked up. “Oh hey!” she exclaimed, leaping to her hooves. “Pinkie’s here.” Wait, what? Pinkie Pie frowned. "Huh?" The other four mares in the room looked up as well and threw their own greetings to her. Pinkie Pie stood there with a confused expression on her face. "Uhhhhh, hi everypony!" What is this? "Pinkie!" Twilight exclaimed. "You're just in time. We just had the most amazing whipped cream fight. And we just couldn’t help but think of you while we went at it!” Twilight looked back toward the others with a giddy smile plastered across her muzzle. “And, hehe, we are going to have a contest to see who can be like you the most, and we need a judge!" Oh dear. Pinkie Pie frowned. “Uh—” This isn’t supposed to happen. This isn’t even supposed to happen until at least halfway into the story. Why are we suddenly here at the contest? This is all a spoiler! “Mister Narrator?” Pinkie Pie asked, looking up. “What are you doing? I am not doing anything. Honestly I’m not. How in the world did we arrive here through the door through Sugar Cube Corner? Pinkie Pie… did you… do something to cause this? “…No?” This is confounding. These two locations aren’t even in the same general area. It’s like the story, my story, skipped a beat. How did this happen? This is really weirding me out, but I’m not sure how to go about this… This scene is part of the story that I had originally set out for you. Pinkie Pie looked back toward her friends again and frowned. “That sounds reeeaaaaaal sketchy to me.” I wish I could make this stuff up, but we’re here regardless. I suppose the best course of action at this point is to simply roll with it and pretend we came here by natural narrative means. We’ll take this little unplanned time skip in stride, even if the story that I wrote out had a meeting with Cheerilee and some, oh-so-delicious build up to this. You might know that it contained a whipped cream fight. “Yeah, I do know that. I do, I do.” Okay, Pinkie. Are you ready? Pinkie Pie shrugged. “Oakie dokie lokie!” And here we go. From the middle! Pinkie Pie nodded to her friends. “Yeah!” she squealed. “Sure, you bet your biscuits I’ll be your judge!” Twilight did a celebratory hop in place. “Great! This is going to be so much fun!” She turned to the other mares behind her and cleared her throat. “Alright girls, we have the Random competition first. Then we’ll move on to Party competition and then we’ll do whatever other competitions Pinkie thinks up.” “You bet’cher apples!” Applejack exclaimed in agreement. “Let’s go,” Rainbow Dash growled, kicking at the ground. “I am ready.” Fluttershy stood up from the table. “Can I join in?” she asked with a smile. Fluttershy… could join. A contest of four would be much better than a contest of three. Rainbow Dash chuckled. “Get over here, Fluttershy!” she said, motioning over with her hoof. Fluttershy leapt over the table with a squee. She stood with the others as they considered their opponents. The four of them, with the one and true Pinkie Pie as their judge. That left Rarity as their one bystander. Their one witness to the contest of epic proportions that was about to ensue. Rarity flipped her mane with her hoof and stood up as well. “I dare say that I’ll give this a shot too.” …Rarity was also a part of the contest. And really, at the end of the day, even though it wasn’t something that she would have really done (nor Fluttershy for that matter), it wouldn’t have been a true competition had some of them sat it out. Yes, this was perfect. Applejack, with an innocent whistle, lifted her dirty and dusty hat off and settled it onto Rarity’s head. She then averted her gaze as if she hadn’t just done something. Rarity shuddered, picking a speck of apple off of the corner of the brim, and then cleared her throat. Her horn lit up and she lifted the hat off of her head… only to turn it upside down and set it back down. She smiled and hopped around the room with the upside-down cowboy hat on top of her head. Pinkie Pie gasped. “Rarity’s in the lead!” “Oh no you don’t!” Rainbow Dash challenged, leaping after Rarity. She fell just short, but then bounded into the air again, flapping her wings all the while. Rainbow Dash flipped herself over before flying herself so that she was just above Rarity, back to back. The pegasus flapped and flapped, lowering herself until finally, Rainbow Dash slid her head into the underside of the upside-down hat. The others watched in awe as the two, somehow wearing the same hat at the same time, mirrored each other. When Rarity walked left, Rainbow Dash flew right. The two flowed across the room as a result. Fluttershy let out what sounded like a shrill scream before licking the underside of one of her hooves. The other hoof dug through her mane, fluffing it every which way. “It’s the hattening,” Fluttershy sang as she skipped after the two. “It’s the hattening, it’s the hattening, it’s the hattening.” Pinkie Pie watched Fluttershy as she went along with an arched eyebrow and a confused gape. But then she gasped. “Ohhhhh! Oh oh oh! I get it! Hattening! Haha!” she said with a giggle. “That’s a good one!” Fluttershy smiled back. “Five points to Fluttershy!” Pinkie Pie declared. Rainbow Dash lost her sense of flight and tumbled, crashing onto Rarity. “What!?” she cried. Rarity squealed as her legs buckled beneath her. Both ponies tumbled across the floor before flopping onto one-another. “Rainbow Dash!” “Why does Fluttershy get five points and I don’t?” Rainbow Dash complained. Rarity narrowed her eyes. “We don’t.” “Because it’s funny,” Applejack explained. “Funny!?” the both of them cried. Pinkie Pie shook her head distastefully. “Uh oh Applejack, that’s gunna cost ya.” The earth pony whirled around. “Whaddya mean it’s gunna cost me!?” she barked. Pinkie Pie zipped forward and lay a hoof across Applejack’s muzzle, staring her down all the while. “Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh.” “Girls,” Twilight said, stepping in, “let’s not fight about this. Remember the competition.” Applejack batted Pinkie Pie’s hoof away, “Yeah, but it don’t seem fair if she just gets to make up stuff as she goes.” Fluttershy raised her hoof into the air. “Well, she is Pinkie Pie after all. She really doesn’t have to explain herself.” Rarity arched an eyebrow. “I suppose that is certainly true. What with how random she is.” Pinkie Pie let out a small squeak as she listened to what they said. Her ears fell flat against her head and her body sunk low towards the floor. Random? Was that how they thought of her? Their whole image of her boiled down to a simple word? It couldn’t be. She was more than that. She was more than a random pony. She was more than that. It was just a part of the competition, Pinkie Pie told herself. It was a part of the fun. Yes, she was a random pony, but that was only a small part of her. Twilight Sparkle sidled past them. “Besides, that ignores the real problem of this whole thing. And that is… the hat isn’t large enough.” Oh. Well— Twilight whirled around and shot a beam of energy at the stetson. The hat convulged for a moment before it grew the size of a large statue. Immediately, no less than three ponies threw themselves onto it. “Twilight, puh-lease!” Rarity said, shaking her hips with every syllable, “we both know this is still not enough hat.” “Haha!” Twilight exclaimed. “This is why we should have brought all of those hats over from Carousel Boutique!” Pinkie Pie perked up at that. “Oooh,” she cooed. Well… uhm… yes. This was exactly why I wanted all of those hats much earlier. I think. “Oh! Well why didn’ ya just say that earlier?” Applejack exclaimed. She turned and walked—but then switched to pronking shortly after—to a mound over in the corner. A gigantic red velvet sheet covered it but Applejack yanked that off, revealing a large stack of locked wooden boxes. What the? I didn’t put that there. “Ah dunno what hats are all in these but I figure if we just get a bunch of keys we’d be, uh, great.” Rarity sidled up. “And there’s a whole selection, ah, I mean, bunch of hats in there?” “Eeyup.” Oh my. “Mister Narrator,” Pinkie Pie asked, “what’s going on? Well Pinkie Pie, it’s actually going on its own right now. I’m not doing any of this. Pinkie Pie puffed her cheeks. “This is kinda really sorta weird…” I know, I know. It is likely because I’m trying to run a broken story and now it’s on autopilot. This might not be what I originally had in mind for my story, but let’s just see how this works. The five competing mares threw themselves into the pile of boxes. While half of them swam through the pile of boxes, the other half jumped on top, up and down, occasionally throwing the crates this way and that. Pinkie Pie ground her teeth together. “Ten points! No, twenty! Forty! Eighty!” Her eyes darted about and about between all of them before finally she fell to her hindlegs and shouted out, “It’s a multiplier!” Fluttershy pulled at the top of one of the crates. When the wood refused to budge, she rammed into it. The wood creaked in protest but still did not give. Finally exhausting all other options, Fluttershy stared at the crate with the stare-iest stare that she could muster. The top of the crate cracked open. Fluttershy reached up and hurled the crate’s top down the stack before she fished inside. She shortly emerged with a piece of headwear in her hooves; a military peaked hat that appeared to be on fire. She paused to consider the flaming hat for a moment before she too tossed it down the pile, before finally climbing into the box. Pinkie Pie gasped as she watched the display. “A million points to Fluttershy for that!” “Well, I have a box fort!” Rarity countered, hiding inside what looked like a dome of crates. Pinkie Pie shot her hoof into the air. “Rarity would never say that!” I… do not think she would say that either. I think this is getting out of hoof… “Yeppers!” Applejack emerged from the other side of the pile a moment later with a cyan-colored cannon. She wheeled it until she had it where she wanted it, squinted as she aimed down the sights, and then bellowed, “Fire in tha hole!” The cannon fired, shooting a ball of confetti and streamers that plowed into the fort, blowing it to pieces. Rarity screamed and flailed about in frustration. Applejack guffawed, swatting the air in triumph. “I knowed that would get ya!” she said, swishing her curly mane about. Okay, wait wait wait wait wait. Applejack does not have curly hair. She sports some very long golden locks. What…? Rainbow Dash poked her head out from within the pile of crates. Her mane also contained a few tangles of its own. “Huh? Whaddid I miss?” Pinkie Pie, are you seeing this? Pinkie Pie rubbed her eyes before she looked again. She frowned. “I see it, yeah. Buuuuut…” Rarity scrambled to hooves and whirled around with a fire in her eyes. “Applejack! That wasn’t very nice of you! Blowing up my fort like that.” Applejack giggled. “Cause, you silly. I had ta, because then you mighta put more and more on it and then it woulda been a fortress. And then you woulda just kept going and going and then you would have just taken all over.” Okay. I’ll say it. I do not recognize any of these characters anymore. Whatever story this was trying to be has lost all sort of track. The characters are all wrong, the story is out of control, and this needs to stop. Pinkie Pie, we need to leave right now. Rainbow Pink honked Apple Pie on the nose. “Radishes!” Uh… Pinkie Pie remained in place, sitting with a slack jaw all the while. Twilight Pinkle summoned up a table cloth. Said table cloth appeared like a patchwork, with several stitched-together pieces of cloth of all sorts of colors with the occasional line or polka dotted pattern. She wasted no time in setting it across the table. At that, Twikie Spieple dove underneath the tablecloth. The tell-tale pop of a teleportation spell burst from underneath, before Twikie reappeared through a window. This is bad. Rarikie pronked over to Flutterpie and the two held each other, singing at the top of their lungs about such topics as ghosties and enchantresses. Pinkie Pie managed to swallow the knot in her throat and screamed. “Oh my gosh! Everypony is me now!” Rainkie Pie whirled around with a huge smile on her face. “I’m Pinkie Pie!” Pinkieshy and Raripie also glanced up. “I’m Pinkie Pie!” they said in unison. Pinkie Pie and Pinkie Pie joined in. “I’m Pinkie Pie!” Pinkie Pie did a cartwheel across the floor. “I’m Pinkie Pie!” Pinkie Pie leapt down from the window. “I’m Pinkie Pie!” The pink pony shimmied in place, “I’m Pinkie Pie! “I’m Pinkie Pie! I’m Pinkie Pie! I’m Pinkie Pie! I’m Pinkie Pie!” Who is the real Pinkie Pie? All six of them looked up at once. “I am!” …Oh by Celestia’s mane. “I’m Pinkie Pie! I’m Pinkie Pie!” I’m pretty sure that my story had nothing to do with the Mirror Pond. What is this? “Fun!” they chanted asynchronously. “Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!” …And I just had to mention that, didn’t I? “Funfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfun!” The Pinkie Pies jumped around the room, bounding off the floors and walls and, a couple of times, even the ceiling. All except one. Aha! You! You there! Sitting there on the ground! The Pinkie Pie on the ground looked up with a frown. “Yes Mister Narrator?” You… Erherm! The Pinkie Pie that had been sitting flat and motionless on the ground stood up and calmly strolled over toward the door. As she walked along, she looked up at the Pinkie Pies still bouncing around the room with a worried expression. She closed the door behind her. Pinkie Pie made sure it shut tight before she fell back against the frame with a terrified expression. Even though many shouts and cries continued to emanate from the other side, Pinkie refused to budge. The door even bulged a couple of times as if something on the other side was trying to force its way out. Eventually however, the hub-ub on the other side died down. Only the relative quiet of Sugar Cube Corner kept Pinkie Pie company. Pinkie Pie let out a long relieved sigh. Okay. I think we can both agree that that went someplace that neither of us is comfortable with. I dare say that was… disturbing. Pinkie Pie wiped some sweat off of her brow. “Boy… you… said it.” I’m not even sure how all of that happened. I mean, certainly this sort of thing is unheard of in the world of narration. Certainly there have been many times where the story has gotten away from the author but this is ridiculous. “Wow, I mean, that…” Pinkie Pie slumped toward the floor. “The mirror pond was a pretty bad day too! Golly that was just like that!” Pinkie Pie slapped herself in the noggin as she thought before she shook her head. “Why’d ya think it would even do all that anyways?” I can’t say in any degree of certainty. Why, I’m still trying to figure out how Sugar Cube Corner linked directly to the castle. This story spiraled even further into nonsense after that. I don’t know what caused it. Pinkie giggled. “I thought you were the one running the show though.” Yes, yes, I know. Nonetheless, that happened. I wonder if it had anything to do with the story breaking down once before? “Ya know,” Pinkie Pie said, “now that I think about it, that Mirror Pond thing makes sense.” …It does? Pinkie Pie leapt to her hooves. “Yeah! I mean, I remember now! We did a small bit about it in the last story. I remember because you were there. And so you remembered the Mirror Pond and then it happened.” Oh, yes. There was a couple of lines about it in the last story, wasn’t there? “Also,” Pinkie Pie chided, narrowing her eyes, “I’m still mad about that!” Well, Pinkie Pie, we still have a grave problem to solve here, so what’s say we put that aside, hmmm? Pinkie Pie nodded. “Yeah, we should. What do we do?” Hmmm. I will have to think about this. Pinkie Pie, why don’t you busy yourself while I think about this, okay? Pinkie Pie saluted, “Oakie dokie lokie!” she exclaimed before she pronked over toward the kitchen counter and grabbed some eggs. Well, we certainly can’t go back through that door. That would take us someplace very foul. But the problem is the story is supposed to be there. What to do? What to do? Should we just… wait it out? I’m not sure what we could do in this situation. Pinkie Pie grabbed some other items out from other areas of the kitchen. A bag of flour, some frosting, and then some sugar. Other ingredients followed as Pinkie Pie prepared the counter. Yes, reader, I am certain that simply watching Pinkie Pie bake all by herself, while informative, wouldn’t make for a great story. And I know you’ve come here expecting there to be one. Really, I don’t know what happened back there. Really. Pinkie Pie hummed all the while as she completed her preparations, fetching a bowl with which to work out of. “La la la!” There’s got to be a good way of doing this. Waiting this out is simply the best option, but we can’t just sit here. No, that won’t do. Hmmm. Okay, I got it. I have an idea, but it is a dangerous one. Pinkie Pie, as she turned a dial on the oven, whirled around. “What’cha thinkin’?” I’m going to attempt to utilize a technique known as a scene transition. That should allow enough time for the chaos to die down. I think, then, we’ll be able to proceed in a manner reminiscent of how we had intended to approach this. The mare gasped. “Oooooh! A time skip, basically. You did a bunch of those last story too.” In a controlled environment, yes. They’re very versatile tools for any author. But, frankly, I can’t tell what will happen if I use it here. Pinkie Pie shrugged. “I say ‘let’s go!’” Very well. I am going to end this scene here, and will pick this back up at a more appropriate time. Scene transition, here we go. * * * Tired of the same old dresses? Looking to spice up your couture? Do you want to be the talk of the town? The creme de la crème, more than just another Jane Doe? Then visit Canterlot Carousel! Here we offer the finest in unique one-of-a-kind garments that you absolutely will not find anywhere else. Every one of our clothing’s is stitched with time, love, and the upmost of care. Canterlot Carousel. Located at 42 Wallaby Way, Canterlot * * * …Well sometimes, these scene transitions take the form of commercial breaks. Anyways… Pinkie Pie launched another piece of cake into the air, positioned herself underneath, and then downed the whole thing in a single bite as it came back down. “Horray! We made it!” Yes, I think that was plenty of time of things to calm down. What’s say we give this another go? Properly, this time? Pinkie’s eyes went wide. “Wait! Let me finish this first!” Go right on ahead. Pinkie Pie sucked in the entire cake. She did it so well that she even made the sound of a vacuum as she went along. The entire confection disappeared past the lick of her lips and a satisfied, “Mmmmmm.” Pinkie Pie crossed over to the front door and opened it. The ground outside dropped off for several yards. And yet, several buildings floated nearby. While chocolate rained from the sky and baseballs with wings flew through the air, ponies croaked like frogs and meowed like cats. The echoes of the word “Fun!” rang out throughout the very air. Oh, of course. It made things worse. Pinkie Pie’s jaw hit the floor. “Whaaaaaaaaaat?” The checkerboard ground plowed through the entire color spectrum as it stretched from horizon. Yaks in tutus played hopscotch, all while juggling bowling pins. Houses of cards made the occasional appearance, some bigger than others. A cloud passed overhead, raining down chocolate. Pinkie Pie responded by leaning out of the doorway to lap it up. Pinkie Pie! That’s dangerous! Pinkie Pie puffed her cheeks out. “Mister Narrator! You should know by now! You don’t say no to chocolate rain!” “She’s right, you know,” called a voice. Pinkie Pie gasped. “Discord!” she exclaimed. The draconequus whizzed by, rowing a boat all the while. “Pinkie Pie! How good it is to see you! What a wonderful story this is!” “Discord!” Pinkie Pie snarled. “You need to put all of this back!” The rowboat let out a screech before it flew off without its rider. Halfway through the air it caught fire before it blasted off like a rocket, flying high into the sky until it disappeared with a twinkle. Discord, meanwhile, doubled back with a concerned expression. “Oh I’m not doing any of this. I found all of this here. All this… magnificent chaos!” “As if!” “Really! I’m not doing any of this. I’m reformed, remember?” Pinkie Pie narrowed her eyes out of suspicion. “Thaaaaaaaats sketchy!” “I am being one hundred percent honest here. I found all of this as it is now.” The draconequus shrugged as he floated up to the door. “Now I don’t know what sort of story you and the Narrator are doing right now but I like it. I like it a lot.” Well, the problem is, I’m not doing any of this either. All of this is happening without my ability to do anything about it. At that, Discord frowned; He glanced back at the chaos behind him and ground his teeth together. “You aren’t doing any of this?” No. He pulled at his little white beard. “Intriguing.” I suppose it’s a good thing that you’re here. Although since you are here, perhaps you could lend us a hand and get this story back on track. Discord cracked his knuckles. “Well, if you insist. It’s not like you’ve tried to use me to fix a story before.” Right, now, Discord snapped his fingers and turned everything back to the way it was supposed to be. Nothing happened. Discord furrowed his brow and snapped his fingers a second time, and a third. “Well, this is strange indeed.” Maybe I need to be more specific. Discord snapped his fingers and returned Ponyville to the way it was as it had been in every other time that it had been. Nothing happened. This is baffling. “You’re telling me.” “Uh,” Pinkie Pie interjected, “so what are we gunna do then?” Well… I am not quite sure. I do suppose there is one thing that we could do, but it’s a long shot at this stage. Discord, do you think you could give us another copy of The Pinkie Parable? Discord blinked. “Another copy? Well, certainly I could. Although I can’t imagine how much good it will do you.” I do not either but perhaps we will find something. Discord snapped his fingers and a pink-colored book landed in Pinkie Pie’s mane. “There,” he said, “that should be it. Anything else I can do, since I’m here?” I do not believe so. Discord placed a sailor’s hat on his head and a dingy popped into being underneath him. “Then I’m going to set sail and explore this magnificent place. Tally ho!” And with that, he rode the boat into parts unknown, disappearing like a dot against the patchwork sky. Pinkie Pie shut the door and took a seat at the table. She opened to the first page and started reading through, and then skipped through a few pages. She scanned page after page but her expression didn’t ease up; rather it worsened. Finally she closed the book and opened it again. And then she did that again. “Well darn!” she exclaimed. Oh? “This book doesn’t even have anything on what’s going on… It’s just the original thing that you were gunna do.” ...Welp. Pinkie Pie closed and opened the book again. “I can’t disobey this…” That… is a problem. Pinkie Pie lobbed the book onto the table and slumped against the bookshelf. “Darn. Darney darn darn. Like… this is confusing! Wasn’t all that scene transition stuff you did supposed to fix all this?” Mmm, yes. But that didn’t work. I think the only real way to fix this now though it something severe. “Yeah?” I think we have to do a new chapter. We have to end this chapter and do a chapter break. It’s much stronger than a simple scene transition. “Ehhhhhhhhhhhh, I think it would take more than one chapter just to fix all of… that!” she cried, motioning toward the door with her hooves. I… think you are right. We’d have to spend an entire chapter just fixing things, especially since they have gone this far out of control. That would be all of chapter four. Pinkie Pie raised her hoof into the air. “Mister Narrator? I vote we just skip over to chapter five then.” I’m inclined to agree. If we’re going to break from this chapter, we might as well reconvene once all of that has certainly run its course and returned to normal. “Yeah!” Alright, here we go. Skipping over chapter four and going straight to chapter five. Are you ready, Pinkie Pie? “Let’s go!” To chapter five with us! Author's Note Here are RQK publications... have no inclination as to what happened to the story. Rest assured we are doing our very best to determine the reason as to how the story itself was able to act in this manner even with a narrator in the driver's seat. We may or may not reach on conclusion on this matter. For your safety and convenience, here is a link to chapter five. We strongly encourage you to follow the narrator at this time in order to mitigate further disruption. Thank you. IV. The Unused ChapterMy dear reader... whatever are you doing here? Did you not see the words at the end of the previous chapter? Pinkie Pie and I made it expressively clear that we were skipping over to chapter five. You have somehow managed to end up in chapter four. I suspect it's because you clicked the 'next' button at the bottom of the previous page simply because that's what you know how to do. It is, of course, a habit from all of your time perusing fan fiction. But I must inform you however that there is nothing here. I must suggest that you go back to the top of this page and click the 'next' button to go to the correct chapter. Or, if you are using a device other than a personalized computer to read The Pinkie Parable, I must suggest that you use means that does not involve scrolling down. Thank you, and see you in chapter five. What are you scrolling down for? There's nothing here. No, really, there is no story here. Nothing to read, nothing to see. On to chapter five with you! Chop chop! Are you still here? I mean, really. This chapter doesn't even have a title. It's completely unused. Yet here you are expecting there to be some sort of story here. You do understand that there is no story here because you were never supposed to be here, right? I may understand that you might be here because you are a chapter completionist and you do not consider the story to be done until there's a checkmark next to all chapters. But now you've gotten the checkmark for this one. No more reason to be here. I must implore you to go back up right this moment and click that 'next' button! Or return to the story later! Out! Out! Go go go! ...You're still here. Sigh. It's very apparent by now that you have absolutely no intention of leaving this chapter just yet. I would have thought my lecture would have been enough but noooooo. You have stayed the entirety of this webpage expecting there to be a story here. A plot twist perhaps? I don't really know how else to explain this to you, reader. There's no story here. Nothing at all. Maybe you think that there is. You're expecting this to be another ending to the story, aren't you? Your plan is, after this, to dive into the comment section and say "DID U GUYS REED CHAPTER F0UR? I LIKE CHAPTER FOUR. IT'S MY FAVORITE!!1" Naturally, however, to do so, much like attempting to read a story that is not there, would be a serious breach in reader etiquette. Why, you've already undermined the very narrative integrity of this story. I truly thought that would have meant something to you since you managed to make it this far into The Pinkie Parable. You really put me in a very tight spot. You've placed me at the end of a very thin rope for endeavoring as so. After all, Pinkie Pie disobeying my narrative is one thing. Having my entire story disobey me is another. But you? My reader? Absolutely not. I am leaving now. I am going straight to chapter five and I am not looking back. I am ending this drivel here, I am meeting back with Pinkie Pie, and I am not looking back. Author's Note We here at RQK publications strongly urge you to jump into chapter five as of several minutes ago. Thank you. V. Pinkie Pie Attempts To Fix The StoryPinkamena Diane Pie, known as Pinkie Pie by all, shot up in her bed. She fought with her naturally curly mane, whipping it into a facsimile of a shape, and then she looked out the window. A stream of sunlight filtered in through the shutters and hit her in the face, feeding her just enough energy to yawn. Pinkie Pie threw the covers off and dashed out of her bedroom, bounded down the stairs, and zipped to the front door. She all but threw it off of its hinges. The rest of Ponyville appeared grounded. Houses stretched across the landscape in a lattice of blocks. The grass swayed in an imperceptible wind. While there wasn’t a pony to be found in front of Sugar Cube Corner at the moment, there appeared to be nothing out of the ordinary either. It was as it was supposed to be. "It worked!" Pinkie exclaimed. Indeed, it looks like it did. Pinkie Pie clapped her hooves together and then nodded. "Alrighty, lead on Mister Narrator!" Right then. Pinkie Pie shut the door and returned to the kitchen, where she threw herself together a bowl of cereal, an orange, and a cup of coffee. She sat down, content to savor every bit of it. After all, breakfast was an important part of any day. Today… was going to be a good day, she decided. What new mysteries did today hold? Perhaps it would involve Twilight’s castle. Perhaps it would involve something else entirely. She knew that, one way or another, she would find out. After placing her used dishes in the sink, Pinkie Pie took one look at the clock. She still had time. She needed it. After all, even after a balanced breakfast, there was still the matter of hygiene. So Pinkie Pie trotted back up the stairs and into her washroom where she took a few minutes to clean her teeth. One brushing of her teeth and then a mouthwash later, she examined her sparkling whites in the mirror, allowing her smile to grow even wider as she drank in her good work. Before she left, she sprinkled some water over herself to rejuvenate her mane and tail, even if they would remain tangled as they were meant to be. She was ready. She returned to the clock downstairs. Surely, the others were on their way over to the castle by now. Pinkie Pie crossed over to the front door and opened it, and stepped into the open air of Ponyville. As Pinkie Pie looked up, she noticed the clear blue skies above. She couldn’t find a single cloud. Of course, there had been no clouds scheduled for the day, and so it would remain bright and sunny for the entire day. She passed humble building after humble building and pony after pony. Pinkie Pie looked around with a confused expression. "Uhm, Mister Narrator?" …Yes, Pinkie Pie? "I think we have a teensy-weensy little problem here," she said, motioning to the area around her. The empty area around her. Oh dear. …Where is everypony? This town is supposed to be filled with ponies for you to wave at. But… but… there’s nothing here. The town is here but there’s nopony here. "What happened?" I… I don’t know. I’m at a loss here. But this is probably not a problem. Probably. Pinkie Pie wiped something out of her eyes. "I sure hope not." Let’s just keep going for now and hopefully everything will be okay once we reach the castle. As Pinkie Pie pronked along, she hung a left, and then a right. She knew the town of Ponyville like the back of her hoof. After all, much of the town of Ponyville had been touched by that hoof. And she was on precisely the street that she wanted to be on, for it would take her straight to Twilight’s castle. Therefore, Pinkie Pie stayed on the street. The castle crept closer and closer as she pronked along with all due speed. Pinkie Pie wanted to get there and get there soon. Pinkie Pie looked around. Still nothing. Hmmm. Pinkie Pie approached the tall and serene structure that stood like a sentinel over Ponyville. The path up the front door wound about in subtle ways, and Pinkie Pie followed it dirt by dirt until the crystalline steps met her. Trotting inside, Pinkie Pie saw the equally immaculate insides. The cool floor met her hooves, sending a small pleasurable shiver through her spine. She wandered around an eternally interesting magical map in the throne room and headed up the stairs. And there were still so many things about the castle that she had yet to discover. Pinkie Pie made her way through the halls on her way to meet with her friends. At the fork, she took a right toward the dining room. Pinkie Pie entered the room and nearly dropped to the floor once she did. "What?" N… Nopony here neither. "Where are my friends at!?" Pinkie Pie screamed, throwing her hooves into the air. Oh dear. I really do hope what is happening isn’t actually happening. "This is super-duper-extra weird!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed, flapping her legs about. "Everypony is missing." Yes, I think they are. This… presents a very potent issue. "Yeah?" I think that the story… may have reverted too hard. We appear to have started without any characters. Pinkie Pie sighed and flopped onto the table, sprawling across the hard blue surface and let out an even longer and more dejected sigh. "Welp, we’re kinda done then. I mean, obviously you’re done ‘cause you got nuthin’, and I’m done ‘cause… Well all my friends are gone." Yes. "And there’s no one here and like… Wow! Like, I really really can’t even right now." I’m not sure what to do either. Pinkie Pie sat up. "Mister Narrator, do we need to start a new chapter again?" she asked. I… can’t possibly say that would be a good idea. "No?" I am not certain. But the next chapter skip might cause us to start without a setting as well. "So Ponyville would be gone?" By my reckoning. Pinkie Pie held her forelegs against her chest. "Hrrrrm. Well, maaaayyybe skipping all of chapter four wasn’t such a good idea after all." Probably. "I am so done," Pinkie Pie groaned, falling back against the table. "I mean, really. The amount of done that I am right now—" Now hold on a moment. I do not think that we are completely under just yet. Pinkie Pie frowned. While I do think a new chapter would really break things, we might be able to manage something with a regular scene transition. I mean, certainly we can’t be much worse off than this. Pinkie Pie made a popping sound with her lips. "Nah," she said in agreement. Okay, here we go, take two. * * * Okay, Pinkie Pie, how do we look? Pinkie Pie looked around the room but noticed nothing. The pink-coated mare ran a hoof through her poofy hair and shook her head. "Still nothin’." Well, drat. That didn’t quite work how I wanted to. "Well, what were you trying to do, huh?" Well, I was hoping that scene transition would allow me to… how do I say this? Teleport… the others here. I would have thought that they would exist somewhere. Where did… where did they go? "That’s what I wanna know," Pinkie Pie said with a pout. It’s like they don’t even exist anymore. I think we’ve managed to erase them entirely. Pinkie Pie’s eye twitched. "Well that’s really super duper! Good job Mister Narrator on deleting my best friends!" Pinkie Pie, I didn’t mean for this to happen. How was I supposed to know that would happen? It’s not like I really understand much of how this works anymore. Pinkie Pie pointed into the air, "You’re the one that started the chapter over." …Yes, and you agreed with me. The change in Pinkie Pie’s expression was immediate; her cracked expression found itself accompanied by the audible sound of breaking glass. She twiddled her hooves together. "…Okay, yeah, I guess I kinda did some of that, didn’t I?" Now now, it just means we’re in the same boat. You and I are both without them. But, I think I have another possible solution to this. "Yeah?" I’m going to perform another scene transition. And I’m going to try and pull a few strings. I’m throwing my narrative powers at the wall and seeing what sticks, but I think that this will nip this in the bud. Pinkie Pie leapt to her hooves. "Alright then! Let’s go!" Yes! Yes! Let’s go! "Scene transition!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed. * * * Pinkie Pie pushed her way through the double doors, emerging into the dining room. Five ponies sat around the circular table in the center of the room, engaged in idle gossip as they talked about their days. Rainbow Dash perked up. "Oh hey!" she exclaimed, leaping to her hooves. "Pinkie Pie!" Pinkie Pie all but leapt into the air, because what other reaction should she have to seeing her friends again. "Hey girls!" Almost at once, the five others looked around with confused expressions. Applejack considered it and then frowned. "Hey uh… did anypony else hear that just now?" Rarity nodded. "Indeed I did. Strange voice that is." No way. "There it is again!" Applejack exclaimed, whirling around in an attempt to look for the source. "Ah reckon we’re bein’ watched!" They… can hear me? Pinkie Pie’s mouth lay in an almost perpetual ‘O’. Twilight narrowed her eyes. "We can hear you alright! Come on out, whoever you are!" Rainbow Dash flew into the air, "Yeah! Cause something weird just happened and I know you’re the one that did it!" Well… I… uh… Pinkie Pie shook her head to compose herself before she leapt forward. "Wait wait wait! Mister Narrator! What’s going on?" Fluttershy raised an eyebrow. "Uhm, Pinkie?" I’m not quite sure. How are you able to hear me? You’ve never done this before. Twilight Sparkle shook her head. "What happened anyways?" she asked, pacing about. "One moment I was at Sugar Cube Corner, trying to find a way to please the yaks, and next thing I know I’m here." Rarity nodded. "You’re preaching to the choir, darling. I was trying to put on a play with Coco Pommel in Manehatten just now!" "Ah was wranglin’ at the Appleoosa Rodeo just now," Applejack said. Rainbow Dash frowned. "I was… doing stuff with Tank. Or I was… until he went to sleep," she grumbled. Fluttershy said nothing in response. At once, the other five looked over to her. "Fluttershy?" Twilight asked. Fluttershy’s face turned bright red in response. Her eyes darted worriedly between all of them and her lips quivered. Fluttershy shrunk toward the floor, trying her best to cover herself. …Oh. Oh my. Pinkie Pie hummed. "Oh, that sort of fic, huh? No biggie!" Applejack shook her head and stepped forward. "Pinkie Pie, this is really weird and all, and I need to know just what the hay is going on." Rainbow Dash narrowed her eyes, "Yeah, because this is not funny." Pinkie Pie considered them, smacking her lips all the while. "Well… mmmmmmmmmmm. "So we were trying to tell a story," she said, motioning with her body, "and I was the main character of the story but I didn’t really feel like doing the story and so I was like bam and boom and then the whole universe collapsed and then I was here again, ya know? But then we did it again and again and last time things got really weird and everypony was me and then Ponyville broke after we scene transitioned and then we restarted a whoooole new chapter but everypony is gone. But now you’re here for some reason!" Pinkie Pie landed back on the floor and threw them a wide grin. The five of them appeared frozen in place, staring at her like she has just answered with a long string of gibberish. Their mental gears attempted to turn but stuck. "…Uhm," Twilight managed to get out. That about sums it up, actually. "What…" Rarity stammered. "What… what what what?" Applejack seemed to chew on her words for many moments, visibly crunching them within her mouth. "Ah ain’t dealin’ with this," she finally spat before she headed toward the door. Fluttershy blinked and shook her head. "I didn’t understand any of that." That is, more or less, what is happening though. This I can assure you. Pinkie Pie shrugged. "Yup, and right now we’re kinda stuck," she explained. "Kinda like glue! And peas and carrots! Jelly and jam!" Twilight shook her head and sighed. "I think we get it, Pinkie." "Let’s just go get some lunch or something," Rainbow Dash said. "I’m hungry." "Ah’m with ya on that," Applejack seconded. "Let’s get the hay outta here." The five mares filed through the door at the foot of the room and disappeared down the hall, their voices fading into the distance until there was not a trace of them left. Well, that turned out completely opposite of how I wanted it to. Pinkie Pie giggled. I mean, well, I guess… Those weren’t your friends from this story, per say. But I didn’t think that would happen as a consequence of that. "Wait wait wait wait wait," Pinkie Pie began, "wait wait. You mean to tell me that you went outside alllllll of this and found them?" It would appear so. I must have grabbed them from somewhere else entirely. My mistake… Pinkie Pie tapped a hoof against her chin as the wheels inside her head turned. And then she gasped so hard that she had to hold it back with her hooves. "Oh my goodness, I just had the most spectacular fantacular idea for a thingy ever! It’s gunna to so epic!" …Do I want to know what this is? The mare jammed a hoof into the air. "Ooooof course not! That would ruin the surprise!" she squealed. Oh. Well, okay then. "Im gunna do what you did earlier. Here we go!" she said, rubbing her hooves together. "Scene transition!" * * * "Can she do it? Will she make it? "Who will win it? Who will take it? "Can she do it? Will she make it? "Did she win it? Did she make it? The students sang along as two humans stood on a stage before them, their hands dancing across the chalkboards in front of them. …Oh, I know this scene! But wait, that means… In a single moment, the whole student body paused. The teachers whirled around, and the contestants broke from their chalkboards. Murmurs flew around. "Woah!" the pink pony exclaimed as she fell from the rafters. She landed on top of the human world Twilight Sparkle, and both fell to the ground in a heap. How did you do this? Pinkie Pie scrambled to her hooves, observed the unconscious girl on the floor of the stage, shrugged and then looked up. "You see, Mister Narrator, I just did what you did. I scene transitioned and then we were here! Pretty cool, right?" But how…? How did you take us into Friendship Games? "Uhhhhhh…" Sunset Shimmer began from the other side of the stage. The human scratched her head and then pointed down at the pony. "You’re… the Pinkie Pie from Equestria, right?" Pinkie Pie whirled around. "Yep! I sure am! And I need you for something!" Sunset frowned. "I’m… kinda in the middle of something right now," she replied, motioning to the chalkboard. Pinkie Pie grinned. "That’s okay! I’ll have you back in time for when Twilight absorbs all the magic and stuff and—" "Heeeey!" the human Pinkie Pie interrupted, poking her head up from out of the crowd. "You can’t just spoil the climax!" "Yes I can," pony Pinkie Pie shot back. "But… but…" human Pinkie Pie began, climbing onto the stage. "That’s like… the best part, pony me!" "I know, human me." Human Pinkie Pie pointed at her pony self, "But that’d be like me saying that Starlight Glimmer comes back in the finale and does—" She has a point, you know. Sunset Shimmer stood by with an uncomprehending expression. She went to say something but then shook her head and swallowed it. The rest of the auditorium, including the teaching staff, scratched their heads at this display. Pony Pinkie Pie considered it, and then nodded. "Yup, okay, I see. Good luck in the sports competition!" Human Pinkie Pie giggled. "Oh you, we don’t need it! We’re supposed to win that one by a hair!" "Yup!" The two stood on the stage and giggled in tandem. Pinkie Pie looked over to Sunset and then to her human self. "One more thing before I go though." The human’s eyes went wide for a single moment and she focused her attention on the small equine at her feet. "Wait, not too hard, okay?" the human Pinkie Pie pleaded. "I won’t do it that hard." Oh no no no no no no no. We are not doing this. Pinkie Pie did not— Pinkie Pie the pony punched Pinkie Pie the human in the face, causing the human to fall unconscious to the floor. Yes, sure. You know what? Fine. That’s just fine. You do that. Pinkie Pie giggled before whirling around. "And you!" the pony exclaimed, pointing at Crystal Prep’s principal, "Stop being a big ol mean meanie pants!" Principal Cinch narrowed her eyes in response, adjusting her suit with a defiant "Hhmph!" Pinkie whirled around. "Okay Sunset, let’s go! Scene transition!" * * * Cheerilee placed her piece of chalk into the cup on her desk and then turned to face her class. "Now, are there any questions before we go to recess?" she asked. Pinkie Pie sat at in the very corner of the room, hiding behind one of the other fillies. Sunset Shimmer, somehow still in her human form, sat beside her with a completely bewildered expression on her face. As she glanced around at the fillies and colts around her frown drew into one of concern instead. Cheerilee smiled when a dark filly near the front of the class raised her hoof into the air. "Yes, Nyx, what’s your question?" Okay! Let’s just stop this right here! The whole class jumped upwards in response. "Whaaaaaaaaat?" Pinkie Pie moaned. I know this story! Just about everyone knows this story! Pinkie Pie, you can’t just jump into other stories like this, especially another fan fic! Pinkie Pie zipped around the room, circling it twice faster than she could be seen, before she landed in front of the filly from before. She ran her eyes down from the filly's horn down to her glasses to the cute azure vest around her sides. "I need her for something." Sunset Shimmer shot up from her seat behind the students. "Like you needed me for something, right!?" Now the foals and fillies divided themselves between alarm, awe, and confusion. Exactly! Pinkie Pie did not steal Nyx from the schoolhouse! Pinkie Pie blew a raspberry. "School’s booooring anyways!" She blinked, looked around at the class, and then hastily added, "But you should still do it! Because it’s important." Nyx frowned. "What… what do you want me for?" Pinkie Pie hummed. "Oh, I’m still trying to figure that out. But I need you. I mean, since you’re the really cute filly incarnate of Nightmare Moon. We can get soooo much outta that!" The whole class gasped, turning their glares onto the filly. Nyx fell out of her chair, trying to push herself away from Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pie! Spoilers! Pinkie Pie frowned. "Oops!" she squeaked. She turned to face the rest of the class, "Uhm, don’t worry about it. That doesn’t happen until later on in this story and really everything turns out really okay. I know because there’s a bunch of sequels and stuff." Oh by Celestia’s Mane, please, Pinkie. Pinkie Pie zipped over and scooped the almost tear-stricken Nyx into her hooves, "But don’t worry! Auntie Pinkie Pie’s got a plan!" "No you don’t!" Sunset Shimmer countered. No you don’t! Pinkie Pie shrugged. "You’ll learn. Scene transition!" Pinkie Pie, you need to stop. * * * The train car rumbled as the mountainside flew by it. A grey, clouded sky hung far overhead, and the air felt thick and distorted, like something hung within it that was never meant to be there. Half of the traincar hosted several beds, many of which held occupants. The other half of the car belonged to a collection of small colts and fillies lounging on the floor, some of whom even appeared asleep. A black-coated unicorn watched over a small grey mare in one of the beds, using her magic to tend to the female. An orange stallion near the window narrowed his eyes. "Our shadow’s back," he announced. The small, grey mare sat up in her bed. "Shadow?" she asked. Sunset Shimmer sat up in her bed as well. A moment later, Nyx appeared from under the sheets. One of the more-awake colts looked up. "Mister Calamity thinks something is following us," he said. Pinkie Pie shot up from underneath the covers of her own bed with a huge, distant grin on her face. Oh. No. We are not in the story that I think we’re in. "Yeah, we are," the pink pony responded matter-of-factly. Sigh. Pinkie Pie shrugged and looked over at the rest of the traincar, who stared back at her through slack jaws. "Hiya!" Calamity stepped away from the window with a snarl on his face. "An’ who might you be?" "I’m Ponkie Po." The pegasus snorted. "Well, ‘Ponkie Po’, Ah don’ know how you got on this train, but you have a few seconds to ‘splain yourself before I see you off." Nyx whimpered once and then burst into tears, prompting Sunset to wrap her arms around the filly and hold her tight. At once, the rest of the ponies turned toward her. While Pinkie Pie remained with a vacant smile on her face, the others looked over with sad expressions. And then they saw Sunset, and their expressions warped into confusion. Sunset smiled and stroked the filly’s mane like a mother would a child, and that seemed to calm Nyx down a little bit. With that done, the human turned her attention toward the landscape. Her eyes ran across it, picking up many different details, each more unsettling than the next. "I have a question; what is all of that out there?" Velvet Remedy blinked, looked out the window as well, and then shook her head. "...Why, that’s the Equestrian Wasteland." Sunset balked. "That… That’s Equestria!?" Calamity rolled his eyes. "Ayep." "That..." Sunset stammered, hiding her disgust with a hand. "I… can’t even…" You would not believe how popular this setting is for writers of fan fiction. Velvet Remedy deadpanned. "...Popular?" Little Pip sat up in the bed. "Fan fiction?" "Oh, we shouldn’t stay here long though," Pinkie Pie said as she leapt from the bed. "There’s a bunch of baddies about to come in and they’re gunna do stuff to the train and there’s this big ol thing and—" Sunset Shimmer groaned. "Pinkie Pie—" Actually, I would give her this one. It’s a bit pertinent in the context of this story. Nyx nestled herself deeper into Sunset’s chest. "But that’s okay, becaaaaaaause," Pinkie Pie began as she bounded over to Little Pip’s bed, "I need ya for something." She’s trying to steal you away from the story. Don’t let her. Little Pip blinked. "I’m sorry?" "Commercial break!" Pinkie Pie cheered. * * * What is Gak? The incredible squishable, squashable squeezable, stretchable bounceable, lovable poppable stuff! The incredible Gak! Gak Packs sold separately. * * * STOP IT. Pinkie Pie shrugged as she trudged through some tall brown grass, making her way through a collection of wagons. Where are we, anyhow? I don’t recognize this at all. "That’s because it’s not out yet," Pinkie Pie explained as she rushed through the tall grass toward a mob of cows, all of whom had packed tightly together, whooping and hollering at whatever was happening in the center. "Don’t mess with Texas!" boomed a voice from within the crowd. Pinkie Pie dashed through them to find two contenders in the center of the ring. The bull, with impressively long horns jutting out of the sides of his head, stamps one hoof into the dirt. The other contender lay sprawled out on the ground below him, with her tail pinned underneath his other hoof. It was the latter that Pinkie Pie set her sights on at first. The calf bucked upwards, kicking the much larger bull in his face, causing him to stammer backwards in a daze. The two combatants circled each other in preparation for, what looked to be, the final bout. While the calf steeled herself, the bull snorted and then charged headlong toward her. Pinkie Pie thundered forward in response on an intersecting course. Pinkie Pie, wait— Pinkie Pie whipped what looked like a large blue cannon out of her mane and slammed it onto the ground. Within an instant, the cannon fired, sending its charge straight into the bull, sending him flying. His cry didn’t die out into he disappeared into the sky with a twinkle. Pinkie Pie squinted in an attempt so see that far before she clopped her hooves together. "Wow! That was one heck of a blast-off!" The cattle looked on with their jaws on the floor. Especially the little calf in the center of the ring, who watched the spot where the bull had disappeared to. Oh. The other three invaders reached the edge of the crowd at that moment and they too looked up toward the spot. Little Pip then traced a line between that point and the cannon on the ground. "Hmmmmmmmmmm," she hummed. Pinkie Pie zipped up to the calf and wrapped an arm around the calf’s neck. "You’re Arizona, right? Quick! I need ya for somethin’." The calf sputtered. "What did ya… just do to Pa!?" I am so sorry about this. Pinkie Pie raised a hoof into the air. "Scene transition!" * * * I’m very afraid of asking where we managed to end up this time. Pinkie Pie jumped onto the table in the center of the room. "Here we are! Twilight’s Castle! Home sweet home!" Wait, what? We’re… back? "Yeah!" she said, gesturing to the bookshelves around the room. "This is the place that we left a while back. Remember?" Sunset Shimmer placed Nyx on the ground and looked around the room. "So this is her castle, huh…?" Nyx let out a gasp. "Twilight!?" Pinkie Pie nodded. "Yup, this is her castle alright!" "Does that mean she’s here!?" the filly cried with a smile on her face. Pinkie Pie went to say something, paused, and then nodded. "Somewhere! But I dunno." I don’t really know where she went either, and I’m supposed to be omniscient. But she was here. Little Pip trudged around without any hampering on her leg. She looked at every nook and cranny, marveling at the architecture. "Wow, this is so… clean," she said. "I’ve never seen anything this… polished." Nyx scampered over to the bookshelves, nearly climbing up just to browse the wide selection contained within. Her eyes jumped from binding to binding as she considered the options. "This is just like home, but…" She looked over toward the grey mare playing with the velvet curtains, "i-it’s less wooden and more… crystal-y." Sunset smirked. "Well, she is a princess in Equestria. I wouldn’t expect less." Arizona, the calf, snorted, "Yeah, well, it looks like of those fancy deer places to me." And I… am guessing that’s a location where you’re from. At that, Arizona frowned. "Who the hay are you?" she asked, trying to pinpoint the source of what she heard. I am the narrator. Now it was Sunset’s turn to frown. "…Narrator? As in, narrator of a story?" …Yes. Although, truly, I have no idea of what is going on anymore and even if I did, I no longer have any power in this story. Strange, don’t you think?" Little Pip poked her head into a closet and back out again. "Are you Watcher?" No. "Are you the Prophet?" Arizona asked. No. Pinkie Pie giggled. "Sillies! Mister Narrator is Mister Narrator!" she exclaimed before giggling some more. She then looked out at each of them and nodded to herself. "And now that you’ve all got to know the place, let’s get to it. I have assembled all of you here to help me build New Equestria! It’s like old Equestria, but newer." Arizona grit her teeth. "And what is Equestria?" "This place," Pinkie Pie said. "Trust me, you’re gunna love it!" Sunset crossed her arms and shrugged. Little Pip smacked herself in the face. "This is weird, but okay." Nyx raised her hoof into the air. "Yes! Nyxie!" Pinkie Pie said. "Will we be the only ones?" Pinkie Pie giggled. "No. That's why I brought all of you here. I want you to help me make a new world outta this." Sunset frowned. "I don't know, Pinkie..." Pinkie Pie fell to her knees. "Pleeeaaase!" she pleaded, looking up at Sunset through puppy-dog eyes. The human sighed and shrugged. "Sure, I guess." Nyx hopped up and down, "This sounds like a lot of fun. I'm in!" Little Pip shrugged. "If this'll prevent the future, I'll give it a try." Arizona frowned. "Ah was going to be a champion in Foenum! But now I'm stuck here and I can't help them." You know, Pinkie Pie, psuedo-Applejack has a point. "What did ya call me!?" Pinkie Pie honked Arizona on the nose. "Don't you worry your biscuits off; they got palette swaps there. There's a whole bunch of yous running around there." Arizona raised an uncertain eyebrow. Pinkie Pie considered it, and then added, "They'll be okay. That's the honest truth!" The calf sighed. "Ah guess." "Horray!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed jumping into the air. "I knew all of you would help me! We're gunna do so good at this." Little Pip chuckled. "So, Overmare, what do we do first?" Pinkie Pie landed on the table with a grin. In a single moment, she brought out the blue cannon from before. "Well, that's easy. We celebrate the founding of New Equestria... with a party!" The cannon fired, showering the room with decorations, confetti, and games, booming amidst cheers. And so the five of them danced and played games and did a wide variety of other various antics. Somehow, it worked. The five of them—Pinkie Pie, Little Pip, Sunset Shimmer, Nyx, and Arizona—then went on to bring in more and more inhabitants for the new world. To fill the Equestria that had once been laid empty from the lack of characters. And, eventually, the other members of the Elements of Harmony returned to lend their assistance as well. After a while, Equestria found itself populated once more. Cities thrived as lifeforms of all shapes and sizes mingled together in a new society. Old and run-down areas saw their own little renaissances as even more came together. Life in New Equestria was great, without any problems. Even with citizens like Donut Steel, Donut Steel, and several other mega-super-alicorns running about. And that was how Equestria was made. Author's Note We... here at RQK productions much extend our most profuse apologies to everyone who's work was stolen from. We are currently working on returning these characters to their respective stories and sincerely hope that, however long the stories were without their star characters, that those stories were not wrecked as well. Sunset Shimmer of the Friendship Games belongs to Hasbro and DHX. Nyx belongs to the illustrious Pen Stroke of Past Sins fame. Little Pip belongs to the indomitable Kkat, creator of Fallout Equestria. Arizona belongs to Mane6, development team behind Them's Fightin' Herds. I. Pinkie Pie Disobeys The NarratorPinkamena Diane Pie, known as Pinkie Pie by all, shot up in her bed. She fought with her naturally curly mane, whipping it into a facsimile of a shape, and then she looked out the window. A stream of sunlight filtered in through the shutters and hit her in the face, feeding her just enough energy to yawn. “Today’s gunna be a fun day!” she declared. Gummy, her pet alligator, looked up at her from the table on the other side of the room. He blinked once, licked himself, and then fell back asleep. Pinkie Pie hopped out of bed and arched her back, stretched the last of the Z’s out of her. She pronked through her bedroom door and slid down the stairs, arriving in the kitchen faster than one could say “cupcake”. She threw herself together a bowl of cereal and a cup of coffee and as she sat herself at the table, Pinkie Pie glanced out the window and grinned. Today, she was going to Twilight Sparkle’s palace. There, she would hang out with her bestest friends in the whole wide world. There would be so much to do at the castle, or perhaps there would be nothing at all. She didn’t mind since she had never had a problem with figuring things out before. And, after all, her friends would not mind either, since sometimes simply being together was its own reward. As she ate, her eyes remained fixed on the sunlight outside. After placing her used dishes in the sink, Pinkie Pie took one look at the clock. She still had time. She needed it. After all, even after a perfect breakfast, there was still the matter of hygiene. So Pinkie Pie trotted back up the stairs and into her washroom where she took a few minutes to clean her teeth. One brushing of her teeth and then a mouthwash later, she examined her sparkling whites in the mirror, allowing her smile to grow even wider as she drank in her good work. Before she left, she sprinkled some water over herself to rejuvenate her mane and tail, even if they would remain tangled as they were meant to be. She was ready. She returned to the clock downstairs. Surely, the others were on their way over to the castle by now. Pinkie Pie crossed over to the front door and opened it. She looked out across the plaza and into Ponyville, watching as a few ponies strolled about in the morning air. She took in a deep breath, reveling in the perfect air of a perfect day. And with that, Pinkie Pie stepped out the door and into the fresh air of Ponyville. “Wait a second!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. “I almost forgot!” She then bolted back into the house. Pinkie Pie... did not step out into the fresh air of Ponyville, instead stepping back in in order to take care of whatever it was that she had forgotten. She reappeared moments later with a flute in her grasp. “How could I almost forget?” she asked aloud. ...Yes, how could she almost forget her musical instrument? Even though her activities at Twilight’s castle would likely not require it, she grabbed it anyways. Stashing it within her cotton-candy-shaped mane, Pinkie Pie stepped out the door and into the fresh air of Ponyville. As Pinkie Pie looked up, she noticed the clear blue skies above. She couldn’t find a single cloud. Of course, there had been no clouds scheduled for the day, and so it would remain bright and sunny for the entire day. She passed by humble building after humble building, waving at every pony that crossed her path and then some. As the warm summer sun beat down on her, a cool breeze swept through the streets to offset it, keeping her at a perfect temperature. Pinkie Pie briefly stopped to talk to Cheerilee who, with a saddlebag on her back, was making her way toward the schoolhouse. The two exchanged pleasantries before Pinkie Pie gave birthday wishes to Cheerilee to forward to her friend. “I mean,” Pinkie Pie said, “because then she can forward it to her uncle, because his former roommate has a little bitty colt and it’s his first birthday today!” And, again, Pinkie Pie’s encyclopedic knowledge of all of the ponies in Ponyville, or Equestria for that matter, proved to be of use, so that she could wish Cheerilee’s friend’s uncle’s former roommate’s young son a happy first birthday. Cheerilee laughed. “Okay Pinkie Pie, I’ll tell him! Thanks!” “Have a good day at school, Cheerilee!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed as she continued down the street. As Pinkie Pie pronked along, waving at even more ponies as she went, she hung a left, and then a right. Just like she knew the ponies of Ponyville like she did her own cutie mark, so too did she know the town of Ponyville. And she was on precisely the street that she wanted to be on, for it would take her straight to Twilight’s castle. Therefore, Pinkie Pie stayed on the street. Pinkie Pie hummed to herself and then dove into an alleyway. …Pinkie Pie decided to take a detour. After all, there were many routes that would take her to Twilight’s castle. She hadn’t gone down this street in quite some time. As she went, she could smell the roses in Caramel’s flower box. It had been worth the detour. But, as it turned out, there were other things in her path as well. Pinkie Pie had to navigate around a hay cart, which took up the majority of the alleyways’ path. Pinkie Pie leapt over it with a “Wheee!” and landed squarely on the other side. Alas, the detour had to end. The alleyway opened up into an entire street, of which Pinkie Pie traveled down. This street contained more hustle and bustle than the other parts of Ponyville in the morning as various vendors set up their shops. From there, a simple route lay ahead of her. Like before, the approaching street would take her straight to Twilight’s castle. At the intersection, Pinkie Pie turned left, where the street would take her north all the way to the castle. Pinkie Pie took a right at the intersection, heading southward. That… was not the correct way to Twilight’s castle. In fact, by the route she had taken, Pinkie Pie was making no effort to make her way to Twilight’s castle. Her route would instead take her to the Carousel Boutique. Why would Pinkie Pie ever go there? The story is definitely not located at Rarity’s house. No, The Pinkie Parable is, one hundred percent, located at Twilight’s castle. “I’m going to Rarity’s house!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. Yes, yes, you are going to Rarity’s house. You are going to the Carousel Boutique. If that wasn’t already apparent before. “Yippee!” Pinkie Pie cheered. …As Pinkie Pie traveled onward, she noticed something peculiar. The ponies around her, instead of their usual morning smiles, gave her odd looks as she passed. In fact, they almost seemed disturbed. Probably because she was going in the wrong direction. “La lala lala!” Pinkie Pie sang as she went along. But, as Pinkie was on some sort of mission to reach the Carousel Boutique, she ignored them. Their stares and frowns fell on blind eyes as she trotted merrily along. Soon enough, Pinkie Pie reached the Carousel Boutique. The tall, rounded structure drew her in with its diamond-patterned siding and the elegant, sweeping shapes of its architecture. Pinkie Pie found the door unlocked and she let herself inside. Naturally, since The Pinkie Parable takes place at Twilight’s castle and not Carousel Boutique, Pinkie Pie found the place completely empty. Nopony was there. “Oh, I knew that nopony was here,” Pinkie Pie said. “I’m just here to collect Rarity’s hats.” Hats? “Yeah! I had to make sure that Rarity brought all of her hats,” Pinkie Pie said as she made her way toward a chest on the other side of the room. Yes, but you see, Pinkie, if you had just allowed me to tell the story, I would have personally seen to it that Rarity would not have forgotten her hats. “But that’s boooring!” Boring? “Yeah! Boooring! Just cause, you know, everything’s been all peachy clean and sparkling and… hmmmm…” Pinkie Pie stopped to count something on her hooves. “Yeah, as you put it, ‘perfect.’“ Well? What do you have against a perfectly normal story? Pinkie Pie reached back into the chest and fished for hats. “Because I don’t think you can do it right. See, a good story has conflict. Suspense! Drama! And I didn’t see any of that when I left Sugar Cube Corner earlier!” I was building up it. “I don’t think Cheerilee had anything to do with anything...” I was setting the scene. Pinkie Pie continued to fish around the chest, yanking out several hats as she went. “Then why didn’t you set the scene at the castle or something. Gosh, mister!” Ah, but Pinkie, setting the scene this way gives context. It paints a picture, meant to show how great life in Ponyville is. It’s meant to contrast what comes later. I know you’re looking for excitement here, so I’ll tell you what; why don’t you step back outside and head on over to Twilight’s Castle, just like the story calls for. And in return, I will try to make my… setup… as exciting as possible. What do you say? Pinkie Pie took all of the hats that she had collected, stuffed them into a saddlebag, and then sat back. “Hmmmmmmmmm,” she hummed as she did the straps. Just trust me, I think you’ll have a great deal of fun with it. Pinkie Pie nodded. “Oakie dokie lokie! Hit me with your best shot!” she exclaimed as she slipped the saddlebag on. Excellent. Here we go, take two. …Pinkie Pie stepped over to the front door of Carousel Boutique. And then she stepped into the fresh air of Ponyville once more. Crossing into Ponyville proper, Pinkie Pie passed many ponies, all with bright sparkling smiles stretched across their faces. “Good morning!” they cheered. No, they sang. “Good morning!” Pinkie Pie replied back. As she went along she noticed ponies of all colors and sorts bounding through the air. They looked jolly with the way they cartwheeled and barrel-rolled and somersaulted, exclaiming in delight with each turn. Others then took to throwing streamers into the air. Soon enough, Pinkie Pie found herself dancing to their rhythm. She bounced along with a blissful smile, bobbing with each step. “It’s a perfect day!” they sang. “A perfect perfect day! “So grand and spectacular, that’s what we say! “There is no doubt, no doubt that this is the way! “And now here we shout! We shout we shout ‘Horray!’” Their songs continued, carrying over from pony to pony, from street to street. Ponies burst through closed windows, hanging out the sides as they offered their own voices to the mix. More ponies joined in, forming a parade behind Pinkie Pie as she continued on. If was almost as if the entire town was caught celebrating. And why not? Life in Equestria was grand and joyous, and without a single thing to taint the day, there was much to sing about. And really, how could one ignore something so fun, so peppy, and so exciting? “Needs more excitement!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed as she dipped into another alleyway. More exciting you say? You mean, the singing number and mass dancing wasn’t good enough for you? “No sir-ee!” Very well… Pinkie Pie continued down the alleyway, and even then the singing reached her and rang in her ears. In fact, the alleyway’s acoustics amplified it. And when she emerged, the masse of ponies, double the size of the one before, swept her up. Together, they processed through the streets as their numbers, antics, and song crescendo’d. Their thundering hooves drove on in on, shaking the entire town to its core. Pairs of pegasi ran banners displaying all sorts of shapes and colors, combined together to represent smiles. Rockets took to the air, leaving towered jet tails behind then. And after a few seconds, each exploded into a bright myriad of reds and greens and even oranges, each punctuated with a loud boom! The town rocked with almost enough energy to leap out of the ground. Streamers and confetti rained down in such quantities that it blotted out the sunlight. But the confetti, all made of a reflective material, sparkled in recompense, gaining ooos and ahhhs. “Now that’s a little more like it,” Pinkie Pie said. She ambled over to a nearby bench and took a seat, pulling an orange out of her mane. “I think I’m gunna sit here and watch for a while. This is a lot of fun!” Pinkie Pie, let me remind you that we do have a story to get through. We definitely should be moving on our way. “Nah.” …Pinkie. “This is way better than anything you probably had planned,” Pinkie Pie giggled. “I wanna see where this goes!” Unfortunately, I will have to cut all of this short. I did it to make this somewhat exciting after all, but I still aim to complete the story. Pinkie Pie pouted. “That’s that a load of patooty. I demand a Grand Finale!” Now now… “Grand Finale!” she exclaimed, banging her hooves like a tantruming toddler, “Grand Finale! Grand Finale!” …Alright. You know what? Fine. If you want to have a Grand Finale, then we’ll do a Grand Finale. I think I might know of something that should take this extravaganza into the stratosphere, just as you want it. I hope that, certainly, it should be enough to satiate your appetite. Then perhaps we will finally be able to get on with the story. In that moment, a flash of light emanated from the street in front of her. Within moments, a large creature appeared within the shop. Said creature could not be defined by one simple word, for he was many things. With the paw of a lion, the antler of a deer, and dozens of appendages from dozens of other animals, he was a mishmash of many things. He appeared coiled around a cart-sized bottle of mustard. Pinkie Pie gasped, shooting to her hooves. “Discord!?” “Well hello, Pinkie Pie!” he exclaimed as he reached into the bottle of mustard and retrieved a handful of pancake syrup. With a snap of his fingers he gave one of the nearby houses a pair of legs. The building sprang up and then charged down the street and then out of sight. “Discord!?” Pinkie Pie cried. “What are you doing here?” “Why, I’m here to top all of this off,” he replied, stuffing the syrup into his mouth and then started chewing. A crunch came forth with each bite he took like he had picked the hardest piece of bread he could find. “Are you suuuuure that’s what you’re here for?” Pinkie Pie asked, glaring inquisitively. Discord paused, considering her for moment moments. “I would suppose so,” Discord replied, shrugging. “I mean, why else would the narrator bring me here?” Not wanting to waste any more time, Discord snapped his fingers, and Pinkie Pie lifted off the ground. Together, Discord and Pinkie Pie, along with several other objects, floating above the town. They floated just high enough to get a decent view of all of the streets, all of the alley ways, even as a few choice ponies flew up with them to keep the song going. And even as Discord flew along, a trail of rainbow butterflies streamed off of him. Pinkie Pie reached out and tasted one of them. They tasted like a metal doorknob. Discord threw his head back and laughed. Soon enough, Discord spun around, summing up his own set of flares. They raced into the sky, spiraling around and around and around again until finally, they exploded. Much like the fireworks from before but their booms lit the landscape, sending waved of color sliding across the terrain. The explosions themselves erupted into storm clouds, spewing chocolate rain which Pinkie Pie happily lapped up. The music reached its forte, the jaunty tune taking off running and plowing through several triplets as it neared the big finish. Discord snapped his fingers and one final volley shot up, higher and higher into the sky, even higher than they flew. It rose and rose and then, finally, it exploded into a plethora of cheerfully pink sparks. The booming report was punctuated by a single solitary cheer from the ponies below. And with that done, Discord flew back down and set Pinkie Pie down on the ground so that they, together, could look up at that last firework. The visage of Pinkie Pie’s face smiled back down at them, crackling and sparkling all the while. Truly, a wonderful Grand Finale for all involved. “That was it?” Pinkie Pie asked. Well yes, of course. “…Oh, okay.” …You didn’t like it? Pinkie Pie hummed, mulling it over. “I mean, I guess I expected a little more than that, just ‘cause you brought Discord here.” “I too quite agree,” Discord said. “That was a terrible waste of my potential.” I can’t very well go crazy here because then it would undermine the rest of the story. But Discord allows me to do things that I might not otherwise be able to do. Discord nodded, smirking proudly. “I suppose that makes sense.” And then he blinked. “Wait… hmmmm…” Pinkie Pie rolled out of Discord’s invisible gasp and, after dusting herself off, she smiled. “Okay, okay. I’m going to go home now.” …Going home? Oh, wait! You can’t do that! “Whaaaaaaat?” Pinkie Pie complained. You can’t! Remember? I said that if I did this for you, you would go to Twilight’s Castle?” Pinkie Pie nodded. “Yeah.” You promised that if I made this as exciting as I could, we could then continue with the story that I had previously been working on. Pinkie Pie shook her head. “Mister Narrator, I wanted you to give me your best shot, and… weeellllll, your best shot wasn’t really all that good.” …Pinkie Pie. “Hold on a second!” Discord interrupted, his eyes blazing. He teleported in front of Pinkie Pie, planting both of his lower appendages into the ground. “You mean to tell me… that none of this was part of the story at all?” Pinkie Pie giggled. “No sir!” He pointed to himself. “And I’m not even supposed to be in this story? Me!? Discord!?” Well… “Mister Narrator…” Pinkie Pie warned. Technically, no. Although you are here now. Discord stood there for many moments, and annoyed and dumbstruck frown on his face. And then his body turned red; it started from his tail and worked its way up to his head. When it got there, smoke poured out of his ears, his teeth gnashed together until finally, Discord exploded. His head landed right in front of Pinkie Pie, a big scowl plastered across it. Now Discord… “I mean,” Discord’s head continued, “I feel cheated!” “You and me both,” Pinkie Pie agreed. Well, now hold on just a moment. That isn’t exactly fair either. Discord’s head snorted as his body reached down and grabbed it. I know I had no place for you in my actual story, and for that you have my deepest apologies. “Okay, just a minute, let’s get one thing straight; I’m perfectly fine not being in a story,” Discord’s head said before his body screwed it back on. He then disappeared in a flash of light before reappearing with a hard hat on his head. “But I was on vacation! I was having a whale of a time, watching these red-and-blue-colored primates fighting over gravel. I left all of that for this because I thought I was needed here. But noooooo, I wasn’t actually part of this story one bit!” Oh, well… I am terribly sorry, but I did what I had to. “You brought me here even though I have no reason to be here,” he growled as he conjured a red toolbox and threw it to the ground. Well, again, I had to. This is a story about Pinkie Pie and she was preventing me from telling the story. She has not obeyed a word that I have said up until this point and I can’t very well finish the story without her. Discord’s eye twitched, his breath became hot. He shot a piercing glare down at Pinkie Pie, who gave him an innocent shrug and a wide smile in response. Discord threw both paw and claw into the air with an exasperated yell. He then reached into his hat and pulled out the wrench just as the toolbox on the ground sprang open. Several metal parts grew out of it. And Discord whacked at the budding structure with his wrench. I’m not the one to blame here. There are readers out there that have come here expecting a story, and it reflects badly on me if we cannot see it to its ultimate conclusion. Discord continued whacking at the budding building with his wrench, even as it folded out and grew several knobs and a canister on the side. A screen on the front lit up, topped by a scrawling heading that read Provisions. “Fine, whatever,” he finally grumbled at length. “Oooo,” Pinkie Pie cooed, poking at the building. Discord shoved himself into her face, “And don’t think I’ve forgotten about you young mare. What exactly did you think you were doing?” Pinkie’s feigned smile grew even wider but even then sweat formed on her brow. “Well, I didn’t want to do anything.” “You should know better. We’re characters, do you not remember? We are supposed to follow the narrative. But here you are, doing whatever you darn well please.” “But the story is really awful though!” Pinkie Pie cried. Oh come on! You haven’t even seen the rest of it! “He’s right you know. And even if it is,” he said adding a “and it might be” under his breath, “it’s not our job to judge. We’re just supposed to go with it. Why, if we just did whatever we wanted everything would be chaos.” Pinkie Pie raised an eyebrow. “Oh, it would?" Discord paused. He pulled at his beard, humming thoughtfully all the while. And then a light bulb appeared above his head. He looked up at that, admired it, and then stashed it under his hard hat. Both that hat and the building that he had just erected disappeared in a flash of white. What are you thinking right now? Discord snapped his fingers. “Right then. I think what we need to do is convince you that the story doesn’t, shall we say, suck. Don’t you agree, Pinkie Pie?” Pinkie Pie shrugged. “Hey, if it works.” “Splendid, I’m glad you agree!” he exclaimed, clapping. He snapped his fingers again and a pink, hard-bound book appeared within his grasp. He opened it, conjured some reading glasses, adjusted them once, and started glancing through several pages, occasionally humming with intrigue. Pinkie Pie tilted her head. “What’s that?” she asked. Discord snapped the book shut and nodded. “I think this will do. Here, this is for you,” he said, sticking it into her mane. Pinkie Pie squeeled in response. “Now, if you’ll excuse me,” he said, conjuring a juice box, sunglasses, and a flower shirt, “I must be off. I think right now those primates are trying to push carts around and I don’t want to miss it.” Very well, take care of yourself. Pinkie Pie waved. “Goodbye Discord!” Discord grinned before collapsing into a single point before that too disappeared with a pop. And so now you are left with a book. “I am left with a book,” Pinkie Pie concurred, digging it out of her mane. I would really like to know what that book is so I’m going to cut right to the chase. Pinkie Pie examined the binding, noting the cool leather binding. She flipped the book over to look at the cover page. The book was titled, let’s see… The Pinkie Parable. Oh dear… Oh dear… that can’t be right. Pinkie Pie gasped. “Woah!” Oh my word! That just cannot be right... Pinkie Pie held up the book in question. “Mister Narrator? Is this the story that I’m in right now?” It certainly is, Pinkie Pie, and you mustn’t read that! “Awwwwwwww? Why not?” …Ah. Well… That book shouldn’t even exist in the first place. Wherever did Discord get it? I mean, that story is this story so how…? “I’m gunna read through this!” Pinkie Pie cheered. You are…? Wait! Hold on a second! Pinkie, I do not think that would be a good idea! “But I wanna know what’s going to happen to me in this story. I have to see if it’s good or not, remember?” I have to impress upon you that if you read through the sections of that story that we haven’t completed yet, you will spoil it for yourself. Probably even more than that, you might cause a contradiction! Do you really want to do that? “Don’t worry mister mcworrypants,” she said, beating her chest, “I’ll be a-okay!” If you insist… Pinkie Pie flipped open the first page of The Pinkie Parable. Her readings took her along a journey in which she traveled through Ponyville, detoured to Rarity’s house, went back outside and had a party, had a finale with Discord, watched Discord get angry, got a book with Discord, and then started reading the book. She then read this sentence. After that, Pinkie Pie read about her day at Twilight’s castle. She read about the shenanigans that she and her friends would have over a mid-morning snack, which would culminate with a frenzy of whipped cream. After that, it became a contest of who could be the best Pinkie Pie. Besides Pinkie Pie herself of course. But, when it reminded Pinkie Pie of some of her lesser times, they would all come to her comfort. This would lead to Pinkie Pie to talk about her past. Truly, The Pinkie Parable was a story about Pinkie Pie after all. After that, Pinkie Pie stood up and placed The Pinkie Parable on the ground, not to look at it again. And with that, Pinkie Pie decided that she would go to the Castle, where she would meet with her friends. “Okay!” Pinkie Pie said, standing up with a cheerful grin. “Now that I know what all’s gunna happen… I’m gunna go to the Everfree Forest.” Yes! She would go to… Wait, I’m sorry? Pinkie Pie whirled around and started skipping toward the southern end of town, well away from Twilight’s Castle. Oh. For. The. Love. Of. Celestia. “La la la la la!” I just… I just… I really have no words. Why are you not going to Twilight’s Castle? Didn’t you just read the story? The story is over there! “Wellllll,” Pinkie Pie hummed, “actually, I don’t really wanna go there anymore.” Oh come on! I can’t believe after all of that you still refuse to go through with my story! “Well, I know what’s gunna happen over there now, so I kinda lost all of my interest in going over there.” ... I have no words. Pinkie Pie threw her head back and laughed. “Sooorry! But I’m gunna go play in the Everfree Forest for a while. La la la!” …I don’t. Okay, you know what? Fine. You go there. You go to the Everfree Forest and do whatever it is that you want to do in there. Please, take your time. “Oakie dokie lokie!” Pinkie Pie pronked along and along. She pronked along past Ponyville’s city limits, where house after house gave way to a solitary path through greened pastures. She pronked over a bridge over a creek, peering into the sparkling water flowing below. She pronked until she reached a wall of drooping trees and unkempt shrubbery. She pronked inside, following the dirt path as it snaked through the wood. As it traveled up hills and down into valleys, curved left and right, Pinkie Pie kept to it. Finally however the path disappeared entirely, leaving Pinkie Pie at the whim of low-hanging vines and whatever else lie in wait. Pinkie Pie continued along, unfazed. “Hey Mister Narrator!” she called. “You wanna describe this? That’s probably something you’re good at doing. Well do ya?” No. Pinkie Pie shrugged. “Suit yourself!” She continued on, crossing a shallow and calm river and prancing through the trees. The chirps of far off birds echoed off of the trees and here and there the pockets in the canopy amplified the sun’s rays, forming beams of light that touched the ground. Eventually, the trees themselves gave. A rope bridge spanned a deep gorge in front of her, swaying about in a light breeze. The terrain picked back up just after that and from there is form a straight shot to a new structure. Pinkie Pie looked up at the ruined structure. Several bricks were missing and several others had cracks running right through them. The remains of a tower sunbathed under a lonely tree while the rest of the castle pranced off in the opposite direction. A pair of wooden double doors guarded it all, stopping the dirt path in its tracks. …The Castle of the Two Sisters? You came here? Pinkie Pie giggled. “I guess I did!” Well that… certainly is a place to go. Out of all of the Everfree, you seemed to come straight here. “I guess I did! La la la!” I see. As Pinkie Pie approached the doorway, her hooves digging into the dirt, she looked up and down the late yet still magnificent structure ahead of her. To think that some long time before, she and her best friends had saved the world and in doing so had sparked the greatest friendship that Equestria had ever seen. Pinkie Pie smiled. “Yepperoni! Hey! You’re narrating again!” Yes, yes I am. Pinkie Pie climbed the steps and placed her hoof on the door but did not open, instead taking a moment to admire the oaken build, the immaculate brace design. “You got some pep in that step? Huh?” Yes, yes I have. Do you want to know why, Pinkie Pie? Pinkie Pie considered it. “Yeeeeeah. Why?” Because I am the narrator of the story. I am the narrator. And I am bathed in immense power! “Uh-huh…” And I’m going to prove it to you. I’m going to prove it. I hope you’re ready. As Pinkie Pie placed her hoof on the door’s handle to go inside, she remembered a crucial detail: the party was not at Twilight’s Castle. Rather, they had all agreed to meet up at the Castle of the Two Sisters, just to spice things up. Pinkie Pie frowned. “…What!?” And so, when Pinkie Pie opened the door into the large chamber, she found her five friends, engaged in a delightful little conversation that had happened to culminate in a round of laughter just as she arrived. The creaking door registered and all at once, the glanced over in her direction. “Oh hey!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, leaping to her hooves. “Pinkie’s here.” Pinkie Pie gasped. “Ooooh, hi!” she said, trotting over toward them. Twilight Sparkle stood up and cantered over. “I’m glad you finally made it Pinkie. I was starting to get a little worried there.” “Darn tootin’,” Applejack agreed. “Usually you’re here quicker than we are.” Pinkie Pie blinked, considered the five of them, and then sighed. “…Okay Mister Narrator, you win this round.” “I think Spike’s just finishing up downstairs,” Twilight said. At that, the six of them moved into a nearby hallway like a singular pack. While Pinkie Pie drew the rear, she was as involved as any of in the small talk that they made as they went along. Most of it was about the previous few days and the small things. Rarity talked about Sweetie Belle’s latest attempt at cooking, shuddering all the while. And Fluttershy detailed her exploits in treating a bear and his cramped back. A staircase and another hall greeted them, the décor increasingly archaic, but thanks to their efforts, only had a thin layer of dust to show for it. They made their way into the once dining hall to find Spike practically dancing around the room’s circular table, setting up a half-dozen spreads around the center, which hosted four steaming pumpkin pies. As he finished, he looked up. “Oh, good. You all made it.” “Looks like we timed it perfectly,” Twilight replied. “You bet. Allll finished,” he said as he took off his apron and dusted his hands complete of debris. Applejack took a whiff of the provoking pumpkin aroma. “Hooo wheeee! That smells mighty good.” Spike laughed proudly as he dusted his hands off before he grabbed one of the pies. “Welp,” he announced, “I’m gunna go sit down with the new Spider Mare issue.” Twilight nodded. “You do that. Thanks.” With that, Spike took his pie and all but ran through the doors and down the hall. “He sure loves his comic books, does he not?” Rarity said with a chuckle as she sat down at the table. Fluttershy giggled as she took her own seat. “I think it’s really cute.” Twilight dug out some pieces of pie for herself and she shrugged. “Well, it’s helped us before, so…” The others hummed affirmatively as they all grabbed pieces for themselves. Rainbow Dash eyed the several cans of whipped cream in the center of the table. “Pass me some of that, would ya?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Here,” Twilight said, levitating the spray can over. Rainbow Dash scooped it out of the air and sprayed whipped cream onto the top of her cake. As a sizable mound formed, she took the can and looked it over. Her eyes drifted to Applejack, who sat next to her. In a single movement, Rainbow Dash leaned over and sprayed some whipped cream onto Applejack’s back. Applejack leapt several feet into the air. “Hey now!” Applejack cried. “Cut that out!” Rainbow Dash snickered in response and proceeded to unleash the entire can onto Applejack. “You varmit!” Applejack exclaimed as she swiped her hoof across the table, reaching for something. Her hoof fell on another one of the cans of whipped cream. “Two can play that game, Rainbow Dash!” she said before unleashing her own can at the pegasus. Rainbow Dash reeled backwards but not without laughing. As she did, she fell into Twilight. Twilight recoiled at that, and drew a line with her eyes back toward Applejack, who met her piercing gaze and buckled. She grinned and magically lifted another can of whipped cream. “Now I get it. This is why anypony would need that much whipped cream,” she said before unleashing a stream of white fluff at Applejack. Pinkie Pie jumped onto the table. “Whipped cream fight!” she exclaimed. As the four of them shot whipped cream at each other, Rarity ducked under the table and curled up into a ball, all the while yelling at how uncouth they were behaving. Fluttershy, meanwhile, looked on from behind a juice box, smiling like an entertained spectator all the while. Even after exhausting several cans, the four continued at each other with varied results. The whipped cream splattered onto everything but the pies themselves. But eventually the cans ran out and the four mares sat there, laughing between themselves. “See,” Twilight said, “it’s funny because the Pinkie Pie at Canterlot high had a bunch of whipped cream in her fridge.” Rarity reappeared from under the table with one eyebrow raised higher than the other. “Well, yes… that does… certainly sound like something Pinkie Pie would do…” “So we all channeled Pinkie Pie there for a second, huh?” Twilight said. Rainbow Dash chuckled. “I have an idea,” she said with a mischievous grin. “Let’s see who can be the best Pinkie Pie.” The other girls giggled in response. Even Pinkie Pie giggled. “Silly!” she exclaimed, pointing to herself “I’m the best Pinkie Pie! Because Pinkie Pie is Pinkie Pie!” “Second-best Pinkie Pie!” Twilight exclaimed. “Yeah, I guess. Second-best Pinkie.” “You do that,” Rarity said with a flat, unamused tone. “I’ll just watch.” “I don’t think I’d be very good at it…” Fluttershy said with a blush. “Just the three of us then?” Applejack asked. “That’s what it looks like,” Twilight said as she cantered over to Pinkie Pie. “And you… you’ll be our judge, right?” Pinkie Pie looked between the three of them as they looked back at her expectedly. She wasn’t sure how she felt having them try to do impressions of her. Could that really end well? Would it make her aware of habits of hers that she wasn’t proud of? The other three waited on her to respond. “Right?” Twilight asked with a big toothy grin across her face. Knowing she had to respond, Pinkie Pie considered it. A contest on who could capture her best. Twilight was asking her to essentially judge herself. Pinkie Pie smiled back… and punched Twilight Sparkle in the jaw, causing the mare to fall to the floor, unconscious. NO. The air roared in disapproval before the entire castle exploded in a flash of shards. Pieces of table and floor ripped away and vanished as the ponies around it, sitting equally motionless, disintegrated into piles of dust that blew away in an unseen wind. Everything around Pinkie Pie floated away into an eternally white void. Absent was the rest of Ponyville. Absent were the ponies within it. The report lasted for a long while as object after object disappeared, imploding out of existence. In the end, only Pinkie Pie remained. You… you… you… “Whaaat?” Now you’ve gone and done it! You’ve more than disobeyed; you directly contradicted what was set out for you! I told you: you had to obey the narrative to the letter! “Where am I?” You destroyed the entire world via narrative contradiction! You made it impossible for the story to happen! And look at what that’s done! I worked so hard on it! It took me a very long time just to put seven thousand and ten words together and you smote all of it in a single moment! You have… you really don’t care for my narrative, do you? Pinkie Pie snorted. “Well, maybe I didn’t like the story you had going for me!” I had a story! I had one! You might have even liked it! I don’t know. There’s no way to tell now because you’ve up and destroyed all of it! Oh… my story… It’s completely unusable. I can’t very well put the world back together… It’s all destroyed, all ruined. Well then Pinkie Pie… I suppose I’ll just have to leave you here. Since I can’t get you to do anything I ask and since rebuilding the world is out of the question, you’re stuck here. I really hope that this is what you wanted all along. Pinkie Pie shrugged. “Eh, I’m not worried. I’ll probably appear in whatever story gets accepted after this one.” She paused, and added, “I think...” …Yes, you tell yourself that. I’ve half the mind to never write you into any of my stories ever again. I’m certain you won’t give the next author any trouble at all. I impressed upon you the importance of following the story set out for you. I wrote that entire story just for you, Pinkie Pie, and you went and ran it into the ground. I’m appalled. I’m offended. I made all of this for you and this is how you repay me. Pinkie Pie smiled. “Don’t you worry your pretty little biscuits, Mister Narrator. You just need a little itsy-bitsy more practice! I’m sure you’ll come up with something really good!” She giggled. “And when that happens, I’ll be soooo there.” Whatever you say. I’m not really in the mood to hear any more of it. I’m afraid I have to leave you here. Goodbye, Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pie nodded. “Oakie dokie lokie! Byyyye!” And so Pinkie Pie remained in the void. With no one to talk to and nothing to interact there. She stayed there. At least, until the next story came along and sucked her up into it. Maybe it will be a Slice of Life. Or a mature clopfic. There’s no way of knowing now. The Pinkie Parable drew to a close, forever unfinished yet somehow finished. It finished as Pinkie Pie chose to follow a path far different from the one set out for her. And while she had her fun, there came a point that it went too far. Maybe someday, in some other story, Pinkie Pie will realize how important it is to sometimes follow the path set out for her. Author's Note Here at RQK publications we strive to deliver quality content, and therefore we must apologize for that massive deviation in this story and allowing it to reach such a destroyed state. We have full confidence in our narrators and as such, we fully intend to allow our narrator to attempt the story again at a more convenient time. Rest assured, Miss Pie is alive and well in her house at Sugar Cube Corner. The town of Ponyville remains intact as well. We have made sure of that. We are currently investigating the probable cause for Pinkie Pie's behavior during this narrative. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused, and we hope you enjoy the rest of your day.
II. Pinkie Pie Fights The NarratorPinkamena Diane Pie, known as Pinkie Pie by all, shot up in her bed. She fought with her naturally curly mane, whipping it into a facsimile of a shape, and then she looked out the window. A stream of sunlight filtered in through the shutters and hit her in the face, feeding her just enough energy to yawn. “Today’s gunna be a fun day!” she declared. Pinkie Pie said nothing. Instead, she sat in her bed and smacked her lips, taking further moments to stretch. Pinkie Pie wasted no more time and hopped out of bed. She pronked through her bedroom door and slid down the stairs, arriving in the kitchen faster than one could say “cupcake”. She threw herself together a bowl of cereal and a cup of coffee and as she sat herself at the table, Pinkie Pie glanced out the window and grinned. Today, she was going to Twilight Sparkle’s palace. There, she would hang out with her bestest friends in the whole wide world. There would be so much to do at the castle, or perhaps there would be nothing at all. She didn’t mind since she had never had a problem with figuring things out before. And, after all, her friends would not mind either, since sometimes simply being together was its own reward. As she ate, her eyes remained fixed on the sunlight outside. After placing her used dishes in the sink, Pinkie Pie took one look at the clock. She still had time. She needed it. After all, even after a perfect breakfast, there was still the matter of hygiene. So Pinkie Pie trotted back up the stairs and into her washroom where she took a few minutes to clean her teeth. Pinkie Pie used her toothbrush to scrub everything but her teeth. Pinkie Pie had no idea how to employ proper hygienic techniques. A toothbrush, as the name implied, was meant to be used on the teeth. But here, she used it to wash her body. But, in any case, there was still the matter of her mouthwash. Pinkie Pie grabbed the mouthwash out of the cabinet and poured some into her mouth. Pinkie Pie immediately swallowed it. What… Did you just swallow that? I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that, you could get sick from that! Pinkie Pie threw her head back and laughed before dousing herself with a sprinkle of water. Sigh. The water rejuvenated her mane and tail, even if they would remain tangled as they were meant to be. She was ready. She returned to the clock downstairs. Surely, the others were on their way over to the castle by now. Pinkie Pie grabbed an orange on her way out toward the door, knowing she would need something to mitigate the mouthwash. She placed it inside her mane for safe-keeping. Pinkie Pie crossed over to the front door and opened it. She looked out across the plaza and into Ponyville, watching as a few ponies strolled about in the morning air. She took in a deep breath, reveling in the perfect air of a perfect day. And with that, Pinkie Pie stepped out the door and into the fresh air of Ponyville. As Pinkie Pie looked up, she noticed the clear blue skies above. She couldn’t find a single cloud. Of course, there had been no clouds scheduled for the day, and so it would remain bright and sunny for the entire day. She passed by humble building after humble building, waving at every pony that crossed her path and then some. As the warm summer sun beat down on her, a cool breeze swept through the streets to offset it, keeping her at a perfect temperature. Pinkie Pie briefly stopped to talk to Cheerilee who, with a saddlebag on her back, was making her way toward the schoolhouse. “Hey Cheerilee!” Pinkie Pie greeted. Cheerilee stopped in her tracks and turned around. “Why hello there Pinkie Pie. Nice day, isn’t it?” Pinkie Pie looked up at the clear skies above with a contemplative smile on her face. With each passing second the smile faded, but it never turned into a full-on frown. A devilish smirk appeared on her face. “Nope! Today’s not a good day at all!” Cheerilee jumped. “What… do you mean by that, Pinkie Pie? It looks gorgeous out today.” “Because you’re not actually saying that!” Pinkie Pie said, pointing an accusing hoof. “You’re under mind control, Cheerilee!” …Mind control!? Pinkie Pie retrieved the fruit out of her mane and squished it between her hooves, splattering pulpy juice all over Cherilee. “The power of orange compels you! The power of orange compels you!” I don’t believe it. Cheerilee recoiled. “Pinkie! Stop it!’ “I have to break her out of your terribly terrible enchantment!” Pinkie Pie cried as she aimed for Cheerilee’s face. “Don’t worry! I’ll save you!” Cheerilee scowled. “Not with an orange you’re not!” “Mind control!” Okay, this is getting out of hoof. I am ending this now. Pinkie Pie’s orange quickly ran out of juice, sputtering into a flat and lifeless state. It flopped about within Pinkie Pie’s hooves and she threw it to the ground. Pinkie Pie threw the orange at Cheerilee’s face. It landed dead-on with a splat. …That only served to further drive the purple mare further into agitation. For the first time during the entire encounter, a blood vessel appeared on the rim of Cheerilee’s forehead and the mare growled. “Pinkie Pie…” she growled as the fruit slid down her face. Pinkie Pie gasped. “Nooooooo!” she cried, falling to her forelegs and cursing the heavens. “I need more ammo! I need to find more oranges!” Cheerilee snorted and shook her head. The schoolteacher turned and without another word stalked down the street, grumbling about having to find something to wash her hair. She disappeared around a corner. Pinkie Pie leapt to her feet and looked down another street. Her hindlegs wound up and she used the resulting momentum to propel herself forward. Her route took her away from the castle and away from the story, and yet somehow that was something she was used to doing. Pinkie Pie weaved through street after street, alleyway after alleyway, around cart after cart as she thundered along to an unknown destination. Pinkie Pie arrived in the marketplace. “Here we go!” Yes, an entire street dedicated to stalls filled with various wares, most of them of an edible nature. Pony haggled with pony as they negotiated prices. Groceries dropped into bags as bits clinked onto the wooden countertops. A couple of participants—a buyer and a seller—discussed the finer points of vintage records without thought to their current transaction. But all of the orange vendors were gone; their stalls sat empty, devoid of so much as signage indicating that they were there. Their neighbors took fleeting glances at the empty stalls with slight shakes of their heads before resuming business. Pinkie Pie frowned. “What…? Where are the oranges at? They’re supposed to be right here!” “There’s an orange shortage,” said another shopper as she levitated several bags of vegetables behind her. Pinkie Pie sank to the ground. “Whaaaaat!? No fair! Mister Narrator, that’s… cheating! You’re a cheater cheater pumpkin pie eater!” Well, I really don’t see how you could break them out of mind control with orange juice, for one. And two, they don’t have the capability to see past their three walls. Pinkie Pie raised her hoof into the air. “Discord—” Is a spirit of chaos who prides himself in not making sense. Pinkie Pie’s cheeks puffed outwards and bits of steam flared out of the ears on the back of her head. “I still think I could do it.” She sighed, “Oh, all those poor ponie-wonies out there that can’t make any choices of their own right now…” she said as she looked out across the street. “Can’t do anything but whatever you come up with…” Well you see. Pinkie Pie, that is a natural consequence of narrative storytelling. In the end, the characters of a story are just as subject to the narrator’s devices as much as the story itself is. Pinkie Pie shook her head and silently stared into the ground, her ears pressed against the back of her head. Don’t feel too bad. Us storytellers really like the characters of this world. That’s why we all came here in the first place. Well, most of us. I’ve seen the occasional troll fic here and there and I can’t say for certain, but you must trust me Pinkie Pie. We do have your interests in mind. What’s say we cease these silly things and get on with the story already? “Well I still don’t like it! Not, one, teensy-eensy-weensy bit!” I’m most certain that they do want to read the story. Isn’t that right, reader? “No you don’t.” Do you want to read my story? Pinkie Pie jumped into the air. “You don’t have to answer that!” And then, as she landed, she placed a hoof under her muzzle and rubbed it out of thought. “Wait, waitwaitwait. Waitwaitwaitwaitwaitwaitwait! I just realized something! They can’t answer that anyways! Because they’re stuck behind a screen somewhere. You’re stuck behind a screen! And you’re over there and we’re over here!” You divined all of that, hmmmm? “Yeah! Or my middle name isn’t Riddle!” But… it’s not? Pinkie Pie blew a raspberry. “Details, Mister Narrator. Details. But,” she said, crossing her forelegs with a smug grin on her face, “I’m really really sure they don’t want to read your story. Because, and I quote, ‘Booooooooooorring!’” Well… while it is true that we are limited in terms of communication, since they are reading this sentence of narration, I will assume that they said yes. Pinkie Pie did nothing but let her mouth hit the ground. It did, literally. That’s a victory for logic, by the way. In almost an instant, the fluff fell out of Pinkie Pie’s mane. While she didn’t detangle entirely, much of the color from before had drained out of her. An ambient energy, previously present within the imperceptible but constant shudderings of her body, faded away. Pinkie Pie let her head slump toward the ground with a downtrodden sigh. “Oakie-dokie-lokie…” I’m glad you’ve come to your senses, Pinkie Pie. And just remember, I do all of this for you. I am hoping that today’s story, in which you go to Twilight’s castle, will be as enjoyable for you as it is developmental. I’d dare say you’ll be very glad you went through this by the time we’re done. Pinkie Pie stood up straight. Looking around and finding her bearings, she headed through the marketplace. While she could not spot oranges of any kind due to the orange shortage, everything else that she saw was ripe, full of life, hungry for potential customers to come by and scoop them up. She eventually rounded a corner onto another street, and then a corner after that. Eventually she arrived on the road that would take her all the way to the castle. A large, tree-like structure, whose crystal skeleton sparkled in the sunlight, peered down at her from the horizon, and slowly crept up toward her as she pronked down the street. Pinkie Pie always liked the sight of the castle. Its bright and vibrant colors and its clean yet abstract design filled her with a warmth every time she looked at it. As she headed inside the castle, Pinkie Pie saw the equally immaculate insides. The cool floor met her hooves, sending a small pleasurable shiver through her spine. She wandered around an eternally interesting magical map in the throne room and headed up the stairs. And there were still so many things about the castle that she had yet to discover. Pinkie Pie let of a small giggle at that. Pinkie Pie made her way through the halls on her way to meet with her friends. At the fork, she took a right toward the dining room. Soon enough, Pinkie Pie found herself in the dining room. Five ponies sat around the circular table in the center of the room, engaged in idle gossip as they talked about their days. Rainbow Dash perked up. “Oh hey!” she exclaimed, leaping to her hooves. “Pinkie’s here.” The other four mares in the room looked over as well and threw their own greetings to her. “Hey hey hey!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, throwing a wide smile as she joined her bestest friends in the whole wide world at the table. Twilight Sparkle leaned over the table. “I’m glad you finally made it Pinkie. I was starting to get a little worried there.” “Darn tootin’,” Applejack agreed. “Usually you’re here quicker than we are.” Pinkie Pie chuckled. “Yeeeaaaahhhhh I get that a loooot.” As Pinkie Pie sat down, she noticed that while several cans of whipped cream lay in the center of the table, there was nothing else. “Where’s Spike at?” she asked. “Oh, he’s fixin’ up some pies,” Applejack replied. Fluttershy sniffed the air, catching a whiff of the thick aroma that wafted in from the next room. “It sure smells good.” “Indeed,” Rarity concurred. “My Spiky-wikey is an excellent chef. I’m sure whatever he puts out will be simply divine.” Rainbow Dash, meanwhile, ignored the whole conversation as she stared into the cans in the center of the table. When everypony wasn’t looking, she grabbed one without making any indication that she had done so before stashing it beneath her seat. The cyan pegasus checked to make sure she hadn’t been caught before she looked for a potential target. Her eyes eventually settled on Applejack, who sat next to her. She smirked. In a single movement, Rainbow Dash leaned over and sprayed some whipped cream onto Applejack’s back. Applejack leapt several feet into the air. “Hey now!” she cried. “Cut that out!” Rainbow Dash snickered in response and proceeded to unleash the entire can on Applejack. “You varmit!” Applejack exclaimed as she swiped her hoof across the table, reaching for something. Her hoof fell on another one of the cans of whipped cream. “Two can play that game, Rainbow Dash!” she said before unleashing her own can at the pegasus. Rainbow Dash reeled backwards but not without laughing. As she did, she fell into Twilight. Twilight recoiled at that, and drew a line with her eyes back toward Applejack, who met her piercing gaze and buckled. Twilight grinned mischievously and magically lifted another can of whipped cream. “Now I get it. This is—” Pinkie Pie snatched the nearest can of whipped cream off of the table and unloaded it into Twilight’s face. Well. Yes. Uhm, Twilight pawed at her own face in a quick attempt to get the whipped cream off. The others giggled in response. “Whipped cream fight,” Pinkie Pie said with an excitement akin to Maud Pie. Eh-hem. As the four of them excitedly shot whipped cream at each other, Rarity ducked under the table and curled up into a ball, all the while yelling at how uncouth they were behaving. Fluttershy, meanwhile, looked on from behind a juice box, smiling like an entertained spectator all the while. Even after exhausting several cans, the four continued at each other with varied results. But eventually the cans ran out and the four mares sat there, laughing between themselves. “See,” Twilight said, “it’s funny because the Pinkie Pie at Canterlot High had a bunch of whipped cream in her fridge.” Rarity reappeared from under the table with one eyebrow raised higher than the other. “Well, yes… that does… certainly sound like something Pinkie Pie would do…” “So we all channeled Pinkie Pie there for a second, huh?” Twilight said. Rainbow Dash chuckled. “I have an idea,” she said with a mischievous grin. “Let’s see who can be the best Pinkie Pie.” The other girls giggled in response. At that point, Pinkie Pie said, “But I’m Pinkie Pie! And Pinkie Pie is Pinkie Pie! Accept noooo substitutes!” Pinkie Pie said nothing. …I said, Pinkie Pie said, “But I’m Pinkie Pie! And Pinkie Pie is Pinkie Pie! Accept noooo substitutes!” Pinkie Pie, again, said nothing. She stared onwards, watching the other five. …Pinkie Pie remained silent through it all. Therefore, it fell on Fluttershy to voice what was on the tip of everypony’s tongue: “But isn’t Pinkie Pie the best Pinkie Pie? She is Pinkie Pie after all…” “Well then, how about the second-best Pinkie Pie!?” Twilight exclaimed. Fluttershy smiled. “I would watch that.” Rarity cleared her throat, averting her gaze as well as anything else that she could avert. “Quite. You all… do that. I’ll just stay right over here.” “Just the three of us then?” Applejack asked. “That’s what it looks like,” Twilight said as she cantered over to Pinkie Pie. “And you… you’ll be our judge, right?” Pinkie Pie looked between the three of them as they looked back at her expectedly. She wasn’t sure how she felt having them try to do impressions of her. Could that really end well? Would it make her aware of habits of hers that she wasn’t proud of? The other three waited on her to respond. “Right?” Twilight asked with a big toothy grin across her face. Pinkie Pie sat with a blank expression for a few moments before she sputtered out loud. “Noooooo! No way! I’m not gunna judge ‘em! I’m not gunna! I’m not! I’m not.” Pinkie. “Nope! Nope! Nope!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. She stood up. “Nope!” She turned around. “Nope!” She shook her head. “Nope!” She walked toward the door. “Nope!” Twilight Sparkle jumped in place before she used her magic to seal the door shut. “Pinkie Pie! Where are you going!?” “I won’t do it! I’m not gunna play along with this story and watch you control my friends, you mean mean narrator!” That is just not fair! “She’s not even saying any of that! You’re saying all that stuff. I’m not okay with it!” Twilight Sparkle sprinted forward. “Pinkie Pie, I know you’re upset. But please, trust me, as a friend. We want to do this too.” Pinkie Pie glowered in front of the door. “Pinkie, we get to spend time together today. We’ve been thinking about this all week, and I know that’s what you wanted to do too coming into this. Please, let us sit back down and have a good time. What do you say?” Pinkie Pie whirled around and punched Twilight Sparkle in the jaw, causing the mare to fall unconscious onto the floor. OH COME ON. “Mind control!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. For the last time! It’s not mind control! “I might have been okay with Cheerilee. But using my bestest best friends in the whole wide wide world as… puppets!? Nope!” Pinkie Pie… I am starting to lose my patience with you. I have already explained all of that to you. Pinkie Pie reared, standing on her hind legs. “Then explain this! Take that!” she cried as she let off a left hook. OW! Pinkie Pie danced in place, keeping her narrowed eyes trained in front of her as she mimicked fists. “Put ‘em up, Mister Narrator! Put ‘em up!” …You …hit me!? How… how did you do that? “And that!” she cried as she punched again. Ow! Stop that! Whatever you’re doing! “And that!” Ouch! “And this!” Oooff! Pinkie Pie roared with laughter. “Haha! That’ll teach ya!” Oh for the love of— How are you doing this!? “Don’t you know?” Pinkie said with a smug expression. “It’s the first rule of cartoons! I can do anything as long as it’s funny!” …How? This is a fan-fiction. Not a cartoon. “It’s a fiction of a cartoon, so it’s close enough,” she said. I am the narrator! And I will not stand for this! “Take that!” she said with a kick. STOP IT. “Put em up!” FINE. I will. Let’s see how you like this… new story that I have for you. In a single moment, the four other mares at the table jumped across the room. Each of her friends stood poised with their heads lowered, ready to charge. “Ah don’t very much appreciate what ya just did to Twilight, Pinkie Pie,” Applejack growled. Rainbow Dash let out a snort. “Yeah, if you think I’m gunna let you get away with that, you better think again!” “Absolutely revolting behavior!” Rarity cried. “You should be ashamed of yourself!” There it was, Pinkie’s friends pitted against her. The four of them scrapped their hooves against the floor, their reports echoing throughout the hall. It seemed to tremble under their indignation and the air seemed to hold its breath. And they advanced. While Rarity and Rainbow Dash and Applejack took the helm, Fluttershy followed them. They closed in on Pinkie Pie with glowering expressions. They stalked as a whole, edging closer and closer, and there was nothing Pinkie Pie could do to prevent them from taking her. To that end, Rarity lunged. After all, she wouldn’t hurt her best friends, would she? Pinkie Pie took a quick glance at the very definitely unconscious Twilight Sparkle as the latter drooled all over the floor before delivering Rarity an uppercut. “Hii-yaa!” Rarity was sent toppling backwards, landing well on the other side of the room. Oh. “No, I wouldn’t,” Pinkie Pie said. “But you see Mister Narrator, those aren’t my friends anymore. You kinda ruined them and everything.” Of all the no good— Okay. You’re asking for it. Really, you are. Applejack and Rainbow Dash lunged at the same time in response! The two let out loud and proud battle cries as they pounced on Pinkie Pie! Pinkie Pie jumped between the two of them and landed on her hind hooves in a karate-pose. The pegasus doubled back and renewed her efforts to tackle Pinkie Pie to the ground. Pinkie Pie backflipped, driving her hindleg into Rainbow Dash’s abdomen, letting out a short and pointed, “Kick!” Rainbow Dash, like Rarity before her, went sailing across the room, hitting the ground with a thud. Are you kidding me? Pinkie Pie somersaulted across the floor, almost dancing across it. Applejack was not far behind! She was close enough to Pinkie that the mare could not respond in time! “Super duper round house kick gooooooo!” Pinkie Pie called out as she twirled about. Pinkie Pie’s hoof slammed into Applejack, sending the mare, again, across the room. …Wow. I… I don’t. I don’t know how you did that. “I can do anything when it’s funny. I can do kung fu!” Pinkie Pie cheered, jamming a hoof into the air. You… you… I’m not through yet. I… “Oh are ya?” Pinkie Pie said with a challenging glare. Fluttershy… Fluttershy… Pinkie Pie’s frown bared teeth. Fluttershy… was nowhere near any of them. During the bedlam, she had retreated toward the door. Without another moment's hesitation she hurried through the door and out of the scene. Pinkie Pie nodded. “Good call. She’s so sensitive, you know.” I know! I know. You infuriating little…You little... “Take that!” OUCH! Why you… Pinkie Pie giggled. “I won! I won! Yippee horray!” she cheered, clapping her hooves together. That can’t be right… We all know you didn’t put any real effort into… that. You hit them once and they got knocked out! “Ooooooooo,” Pinkie Pie cooed, “someone’s salty!” How did you even do that!? “Becaaaaaause, it was funny!” That’s not even fair! But okay. I see. They’re ponies. Maybe I should bring Spike in here to teach you some manners. Pinkie Pie jabbed a hoof into the air. “Funny!” I’ll summon Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. “Funny!” I’ll… uhm… summon Discord. “Funny!” I’ll… I’ll… I will have the castle fight you. Pinkie Pie went to speak, but paused. The words caught in her throat as she spaced out for a moment. She made a few noises as she placed her hooves around her mouth. Her face turned a bright red as she fought something back. But then it overwhelmed her and she fell backwards onto the floor in a giggling fit. What? Pinkie Pie wiped away a tear from her eye, only for another to form. “Oh Mister Narrator, that would be really fun! And really funny!” So you’re saying there’s a chance? Pinkie Pie shook her head. “Nope a dope! Use that noodle and just picture it. Me? Little ol’ me suplexing a castle? I’d win that in a landslide!” …I’m really starting to wonder if you’re transcending funny into the just plain absurd. “I’d still get some laughs out of it though.” And… then you would win. “Yuuup!” Well… I… umm… “Aaaaadmit it, Mister Narrator! I got this all locked up.” I… suppose you do. Pinkie Pie threw some streamers into the air. “Winner winner hay sandwich dinner! And now! For my final trick, I’m going to helicopter away.” You’re going to what? The mare threw her tail about. It swished slowly at first, but as she went it picked up speed. Her tail drew upwards, audibly whirring as it pulled higher into the air. Eventually, it pulled Pinkie Pie upwards as well, lifting the mare off the floor and into the air. Reader, you think this is all absurd. Right? Yes, yes, I am perfectly aware that she has done this in the source material before, thank you. Pinkie Pie coptered her way toward an opened in the ceiling and squeezed through the window, letting out a joyful screech as she did so. Well wait a moment! She flew onwards, over the castle, and over the town of Ponyville. The arrangement of houses and stores passed below her. The residents looked like ants from how high she was, and yet Pinkie Pie recognized every single one of them. She giggled. She looked onwards toward the large orange ball that sat on the horizon. The setting sun welcomed her, stretching its golden rays out to embrace her. As the clouds watched from sides far off from her, equally golden in their splendor, Pinkie Pie flew on and on until she was nothing more than a speck against the sunset. UM. Well, that happened I suppose. I don’t even have a main character anymore. Since, you know, she just up and flew off. Which that presents a very big issue. I really wanted to tell this story. Really, I did. Though who am I kidding? I must admit defeat. I lost this battle a long time ago. And so it was thus. Pinkie Pie never returned to Ponyville. There’s a saying that she never reappeared at all. Some say she flew across the sea. Others say that she flew to the stars. Others still say that she flew until she reached a universe made entirely of sit-coms. As it is, her fate is unknown. The citizens of the town went on and on, but it was never the same without Pinkie Pie. The town grew dull and listless, one of which they had seen right before Twilight’s ascension. What a shame really, since Pinkie Pie was so integral to the town’s very livelihood. The Rainbow Power, now forever incomplete without the former Element of Laughter, could no longer protect Equestria from the dark forces that lie in wait. Naturally, a short time later, Equestria was colonized by aliens. Author's Note Attempts to locate Miss Pie have proved unsuccessful. While we have located instances of Pinkie Pie in other stories, including those here at RQK productions, we have reason to believe that they are not the same Pinkie Pie. However, we do not have definitive proof of this at this time. We ask you, the reader, that if you have any tips or information that can lead to the location of Miss Pie, please call the Pinkie Pie Procurement hotline by dialing 3141592653 on your phone at this time. Tips can also be left in the comments section. Thank you and have a safe and pleasant day.
III. The Story Itself Disobeys The NarratorPinkamena Diane Pie, known as Pinkie Pie by all, shot up in her bed. She fought with her naturally curly mane, whipping it into a facsimile of a shape, and then she looked out the window. A stream of sunlight filtered in through the shutters and hit her in the face, feeding her just enough energy to yawn. “Today’s gunna be a fun day!” she declared. Gummy, her pet alligator, looked up at her from the table on the other side of the room. He blinked once, licked himself, and then fell back asleep. Pinkie Pie hopped out of bed and arched her back, stretched the last of the Z’s out of her. She pronked through her bedroom door and slid down the stairs, arriving in the kitchen faster than one could say “cupcake”. She threw herself together a bowl of cereal and a cup of coffee and as she sat herself at the table, Pinkie Pie glanced out the window and grinned. Today, she was going to Twilight Sparkle’s palace. There, she would hang out with her bestest friends in the whole wide world. There would be so much to do at the castle, or perhaps there would be nothing at all. She didn’t mind since she had never had a problem with figuring things out before. And, after all, her friends would not mind either, since sometimes simply being together was its own reward. As she ate, her eyes remained fixed on the sunlight outside. After placing her used dishes in the sink, Pinkie Pie took one look at the clock. She still had time. She needed it. After all, even after a perfect breakfast, there was still the matter of hygiene. So Pinkie Pie trotted back up the stairs and into her washroom where she took a few minutes to clean her teeth. One brushing of her teeth and then a mouthwash later, she examined her sparkling whites in the mirror, allowing her smile to grow even wider as she drank in her good work. Before she left, she sprinkled some water over herself to rejuvenate her mane and tail, even if they would remain tangled as they were meant to be. She was ready. She returned to the clock downstairs. Surely, the others were on their way over to the castle by now. Pinkie Pie crossed over to the front door and opened it. On the other side of the door, an immaculate, crystalline room whose walls functioned as bookshelves met her. A round table lay in the center of the room, around which five ponies lounged about, laughing at each other through the whipped cream all over their faces. Rainbow Dash perked up. “Oh hey!” she exclaimed, leaping to her hooves. “Pinkie’s here.” Wait, what? Pinkie Pie frowned. "Huh?" The other four mares in the room looked up as well and threw their own greetings to her. Pinkie Pie stood there with a confused expression on her face. "Uhhhhh, hi everypony!" What is this? "Pinkie!" Twilight exclaimed. "You're just in time. We just had the most amazing whipped cream fight. And we just couldn’t help but think of you while we went at it!” Twilight looked back toward the others with a giddy smile plastered across her muzzle. “And, hehe, we are going to have a contest to see who can be like you the most, and we need a judge!" Oh dear. Pinkie Pie frowned. “Uh—” This isn’t supposed to happen. This isn’t even supposed to happen until at least halfway into the story. Why are we suddenly here at the contest? This is all a spoiler! “Mister Narrator?” Pinkie Pie asked, looking up. “What are you doing? I am not doing anything. Honestly I’m not. How in the world did we arrive here through the door through Sugar Cube Corner? Pinkie Pie… did you… do something to cause this? “…No?” This is confounding. These two locations aren’t even in the same general area. It’s like the story, my story, skipped a beat. How did this happen? This is really weirding me out, but I’m not sure how to go about this… This scene is part of the story that I had originally set out for you. Pinkie Pie looked back toward her friends again and frowned. “That sounds reeeaaaaaal sketchy to me.” I wish I could make this stuff up, but we’re here regardless. I suppose the best course of action at this point is to simply roll with it and pretend we came here by natural narrative means. We’ll take this little unplanned time skip in stride, even if the story that I wrote out had a meeting with Cheerilee and some, oh-so-delicious build up to this. You might know that it contained a whipped cream fight. “Yeah, I do know that. I do, I do.” Okay, Pinkie. Are you ready? Pinkie Pie shrugged. “Oakie dokie lokie!” And here we go. From the middle! Pinkie Pie nodded to her friends. “Yeah!” she squealed. “Sure, you bet your biscuits I’ll be your judge!” Twilight did a celebratory hop in place. “Great! This is going to be so much fun!” She turned to the other mares behind her and cleared her throat. “Alright girls, we have the Random competition first. Then we’ll move on to Party competition and then we’ll do whatever other competitions Pinkie thinks up.” “You bet’cher apples!” Applejack exclaimed in agreement. “Let’s go,” Rainbow Dash growled, kicking at the ground. “I am ready.” Fluttershy stood up from the table. “Can I join in?” she asked with a smile. Fluttershy… could join. A contest of four would be much better than a contest of three. Rainbow Dash chuckled. “Get over here, Fluttershy!” she said, motioning over with her hoof. Fluttershy leapt over the table with a squee. She stood with the others as they considered their opponents. The four of them, with the one and true Pinkie Pie as their judge. That left Rarity as their one bystander. Their one witness to the contest of epic proportions that was about to ensue. Rarity flipped her mane with her hoof and stood up as well. “I dare say that I’ll give this a shot too.” …Rarity was also a part of the contest. And really, at the end of the day, even though it wasn’t something that she would have really done (nor Fluttershy for that matter), it wouldn’t have been a true competition had some of them sat it out. Yes, this was perfect. Applejack, with an innocent whistle, lifted her dirty and dusty hat off and settled it onto Rarity’s head. She then averted her gaze as if she hadn’t just done something. Rarity shuddered, picking a speck of apple off of the corner of the brim, and then cleared her throat. Her horn lit up and she lifted the hat off of her head… only to turn it upside down and set it back down. She smiled and hopped around the room with the upside-down cowboy hat on top of her head. Pinkie Pie gasped. “Rarity’s in the lead!” “Oh no you don’t!” Rainbow Dash challenged, leaping after Rarity. She fell just short, but then bounded into the air again, flapping her wings all the while. Rainbow Dash flipped herself over before flying herself so that she was just above Rarity, back to back. The pegasus flapped and flapped, lowering herself until finally, Rainbow Dash slid her head into the underside of the upside-down hat. The others watched in awe as the two, somehow wearing the same hat at the same time, mirrored each other. When Rarity walked left, Rainbow Dash flew right. The two flowed across the room as a result. Fluttershy let out what sounded like a shrill scream before licking the underside of one of her hooves. The other hoof dug through her mane, fluffing it every which way. “It’s the hattening,” Fluttershy sang as she skipped after the two. “It’s the hattening, it’s the hattening, it’s the hattening.” Pinkie Pie watched Fluttershy as she went along with an arched eyebrow and a confused gape. But then she gasped. “Ohhhhh! Oh oh oh! I get it! Hattening! Haha!” she said with a giggle. “That’s a good one!” Fluttershy smiled back. “Five points to Fluttershy!” Pinkie Pie declared. Rainbow Dash lost her sense of flight and tumbled, crashing onto Rarity. “What!?” she cried. Rarity squealed as her legs buckled beneath her. Both ponies tumbled across the floor before flopping onto one-another. “Rainbow Dash!” “Why does Fluttershy get five points and I don’t?” Rainbow Dash complained. Rarity narrowed her eyes. “We don’t.” “Because it’s funny,” Applejack explained. “Funny!?” the both of them cried. Pinkie Pie shook her head distastefully. “Uh oh Applejack, that’s gunna cost ya.” The earth pony whirled around. “Whaddya mean it’s gunna cost me!?” she barked. Pinkie Pie zipped forward and lay a hoof across Applejack’s muzzle, staring her down all the while. “Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh.” “Girls,” Twilight said, stepping in, “let’s not fight about this. Remember the competition.” Applejack batted Pinkie Pie’s hoof away, “Yeah, but it don’t seem fair if she just gets to make up stuff as she goes.” Fluttershy raised her hoof into the air. “Well, she is Pinkie Pie after all. She really doesn’t have to explain herself.” Rarity arched an eyebrow. “I suppose that is certainly true. What with how random she is.” Pinkie Pie let out a small squeak as she listened to what they said. Her ears fell flat against her head and her body sunk low towards the floor. Random? Was that how they thought of her? Their whole image of her boiled down to a simple word? It couldn’t be. She was more than that. She was more than a random pony. She was more than that. It was just a part of the competition, Pinkie Pie told herself. It was a part of the fun. Yes, she was a random pony, but that was only a small part of her. Twilight Sparkle sidled past them. “Besides, that ignores the real problem of this whole thing. And that is… the hat isn’t large enough.” Oh. Well— Twilight whirled around and shot a beam of energy at the stetson. The hat convulged for a moment before it grew the size of a large statue. Immediately, no less than three ponies threw themselves onto it. “Twilight, puh-lease!” Rarity said, shaking her hips with every syllable, “we both know this is still not enough hat.” “Haha!” Twilight exclaimed. “This is why we should have brought all of those hats over from Carousel Boutique!” Pinkie Pie perked up at that. “Oooh,” she cooed. Well… uhm… yes. This was exactly why I wanted all of those hats much earlier. I think. “Oh! Well why didn’ ya just say that earlier?” Applejack exclaimed. She turned and walked—but then switched to pronking shortly after—to a mound over in the corner. A gigantic red velvet sheet covered it but Applejack yanked that off, revealing a large stack of locked wooden boxes. What the? I didn’t put that there. “Ah dunno what hats are all in these but I figure if we just get a bunch of keys we’d be, uh, great.” Rarity sidled up. “And there’s a whole selection, ah, I mean, bunch of hats in there?” “Eeyup.” Oh my. “Mister Narrator,” Pinkie Pie asked, “what’s going on? Well Pinkie Pie, it’s actually going on its own right now. I’m not doing any of this. Pinkie Pie puffed her cheeks. “This is kinda really sorta weird…” I know, I know. It is likely because I’m trying to run a broken story and now it’s on autopilot. This might not be what I originally had in mind for my story, but let’s just see how this works. The five competing mares threw themselves into the pile of boxes. While half of them swam through the pile of boxes, the other half jumped on top, up and down, occasionally throwing the crates this way and that. Pinkie Pie ground her teeth together. “Ten points! No, twenty! Forty! Eighty!” Her eyes darted about and about between all of them before finally she fell to her hindlegs and shouted out, “It’s a multiplier!” Fluttershy pulled at the top of one of the crates. When the wood refused to budge, she rammed into it. The wood creaked in protest but still did not give. Finally exhausting all other options, Fluttershy stared at the crate with the stare-iest stare that she could muster. The top of the crate cracked open. Fluttershy reached up and hurled the crate’s top down the stack before she fished inside. She shortly emerged with a piece of headwear in her hooves; a military peaked hat that appeared to be on fire. She paused to consider the flaming hat for a moment before she too tossed it down the pile, before finally climbing into the box. Pinkie Pie gasped as she watched the display. “A million points to Fluttershy for that!” “Well, I have a box fort!” Rarity countered, hiding inside what looked like a dome of crates. Pinkie Pie shot her hoof into the air. “Rarity would never say that!” I… do not think she would say that either. I think this is getting out of hoof… “Yeppers!” Applejack emerged from the other side of the pile a moment later with a cyan-colored cannon. She wheeled it until she had it where she wanted it, squinted as she aimed down the sights, and then bellowed, “Fire in tha hole!” The cannon fired, shooting a ball of confetti and streamers that plowed into the fort, blowing it to pieces. Rarity screamed and flailed about in frustration. Applejack guffawed, swatting the air in triumph. “I knowed that would get ya!” she said, swishing her curly mane about. Okay, wait wait wait wait wait. Applejack does not have curly hair. She sports some very long golden locks. What…? Rainbow Dash poked her head out from within the pile of crates. Her mane also contained a few tangles of its own. “Huh? Whaddid I miss?” Pinkie Pie, are you seeing this? Pinkie Pie rubbed her eyes before she looked again. She frowned. “I see it, yeah. Buuuuut…” Rarity scrambled to hooves and whirled around with a fire in her eyes. “Applejack! That wasn’t very nice of you! Blowing up my fort like that.” Applejack giggled. “Cause, you silly. I had ta, because then you mighta put more and more on it and then it woulda been a fortress. And then you woulda just kept going and going and then you would have just taken all over.” Okay. I’ll say it. I do not recognize any of these characters anymore. Whatever story this was trying to be has lost all sort of track. The characters are all wrong, the story is out of control, and this needs to stop. Pinkie Pie, we need to leave right now. Rainbow Pink honked Apple Pie on the nose. “Radishes!” Uh… Pinkie Pie remained in place, sitting with a slack jaw all the while. Twilight Pinkle summoned up a table cloth. Said table cloth appeared like a patchwork, with several stitched-together pieces of cloth of all sorts of colors with the occasional line or polka dotted pattern. She wasted no time in setting it across the table. At that, Twikie Spieple dove underneath the tablecloth. The tell-tale pop of a teleportation spell burst from underneath, before Twikie reappeared through a window. This is bad. Rarikie pronked over to Flutterpie and the two held each other, singing at the top of their lungs about such topics as ghosties and enchantresses. Pinkie Pie managed to swallow the knot in her throat and screamed. “Oh my gosh! Everypony is me now!” Rainkie Pie whirled around with a huge smile on her face. “I’m Pinkie Pie!” Pinkieshy and Raripie also glanced up. “I’m Pinkie Pie!” they said in unison. Pinkie Pie and Pinkie Pie joined in. “I’m Pinkie Pie!” Pinkie Pie did a cartwheel across the floor. “I’m Pinkie Pie!” Pinkie Pie leapt down from the window. “I’m Pinkie Pie!” The pink pony shimmied in place, “I’m Pinkie Pie! “I’m Pinkie Pie! I’m Pinkie Pie! I’m Pinkie Pie! I’m Pinkie Pie!” Who is the real Pinkie Pie? All six of them looked up at once. “I am!” …Oh by Celestia’s mane. “I’m Pinkie Pie! I’m Pinkie Pie!” I’m pretty sure that my story had nothing to do with the Mirror Pond. What is this? “Fun!” they chanted asynchronously. “Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!” …And I just had to mention that, didn’t I? “Funfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfun!” The Pinkie Pies jumped around the room, bounding off the floors and walls and, a couple of times, even the ceiling. All except one. Aha! You! You there! Sitting there on the ground! The Pinkie Pie on the ground looked up with a frown. “Yes Mister Narrator?” You… Erherm! The Pinkie Pie that had been sitting flat and motionless on the ground stood up and calmly strolled over toward the door. As she walked along, she looked up at the Pinkie Pies still bouncing around the room with a worried expression. She closed the door behind her. Pinkie Pie made sure it shut tight before she fell back against the frame with a terrified expression. Even though many shouts and cries continued to emanate from the other side, Pinkie refused to budge. The door even bulged a couple of times as if something on the other side was trying to force its way out. Eventually however, the hub-ub on the other side died down. Only the relative quiet of Sugar Cube Corner kept Pinkie Pie company. Pinkie Pie let out a long relieved sigh. Okay. I think we can both agree that that went someplace that neither of us is comfortable with. I dare say that was… disturbing. Pinkie Pie wiped some sweat off of her brow. “Boy… you… said it.” I’m not even sure how all of that happened. I mean, certainly this sort of thing is unheard of in the world of narration. Certainly there have been many times where the story has gotten away from the author but this is ridiculous. “Wow, I mean, that…” Pinkie Pie slumped toward the floor. “The mirror pond was a pretty bad day too! Golly that was just like that!” Pinkie Pie slapped herself in the noggin as she thought before she shook her head. “Why’d ya think it would even do all that anyways?” I can’t say in any degree of certainty. Why, I’m still trying to figure out how Sugar Cube Corner linked directly to the castle. This story spiraled even further into nonsense after that. I don’t know what caused it. Pinkie giggled. “I thought you were the one running the show though.” Yes, yes, I know. Nonetheless, that happened. I wonder if it had anything to do with the story breaking down once before? “Ya know,” Pinkie Pie said, “now that I think about it, that Mirror Pond thing makes sense.” …It does? Pinkie Pie leapt to her hooves. “Yeah! I mean, I remember now! We did a small bit about it in the last story. I remember because you were there. And so you remembered the Mirror Pond and then it happened.” Oh, yes. There was a couple of lines about it in the last story, wasn’t there? “Also,” Pinkie Pie chided, narrowing her eyes, “I’m still mad about that!” Well, Pinkie Pie, we still have a grave problem to solve here, so what’s say we put that aside, hmmm? Pinkie Pie nodded. “Yeah, we should. What do we do?” Hmmm. I will have to think about this. Pinkie Pie, why don’t you busy yourself while I think about this, okay? Pinkie Pie saluted, “Oakie dokie lokie!” she exclaimed before she pronked over toward the kitchen counter and grabbed some eggs. Well, we certainly can’t go back through that door. That would take us someplace very foul. But the problem is the story is supposed to be there. What to do? What to do? Should we just… wait it out? I’m not sure what we could do in this situation. Pinkie Pie grabbed some other items out from other areas of the kitchen. A bag of flour, some frosting, and then some sugar. Other ingredients followed as Pinkie Pie prepared the counter. Yes, reader, I am certain that simply watching Pinkie Pie bake all by herself, while informative, wouldn’t make for a great story. And I know you’ve come here expecting there to be one. Really, I don’t know what happened back there. Really. Pinkie Pie hummed all the while as she completed her preparations, fetching a bowl with which to work out of. “La la la!” There’s got to be a good way of doing this. Waiting this out is simply the best option, but we can’t just sit here. No, that won’t do. Hmmm. Okay, I got it. I have an idea, but it is a dangerous one. Pinkie Pie, as she turned a dial on the oven, whirled around. “What’cha thinkin’?” I’m going to attempt to utilize a technique known as a scene transition. That should allow enough time for the chaos to die down. I think, then, we’ll be able to proceed in a manner reminiscent of how we had intended to approach this. The mare gasped. “Oooooh! A time skip, basically. You did a bunch of those last story too.” In a controlled environment, yes. They’re very versatile tools for any author. But, frankly, I can’t tell what will happen if I use it here. Pinkie Pie shrugged. “I say ‘let’s go!’” Very well. I am going to end this scene here, and will pick this back up at a more appropriate time. Scene transition, here we go. * * * Tired of the same old dresses? Looking to spice up your couture? Do you want to be the talk of the town? The creme de la crème, more than just another Jane Doe? Then visit Canterlot Carousel! Here we offer the finest in unique one-of-a-kind garments that you absolutely will not find anywhere else. Every one of our clothing’s is stitched with time, love, and the upmost of care. Canterlot Carousel. Located at 42 Wallaby Way, Canterlot * * * …Well sometimes, these scene transitions take the form of commercial breaks. Anyways… Pinkie Pie launched another piece of cake into the air, positioned herself underneath, and then downed the whole thing in a single bite as it came back down. “Horray! We made it!” Yes, I think that was plenty of time of things to calm down. What’s say we give this another go? Properly, this time? Pinkie’s eyes went wide. “Wait! Let me finish this first!” Go right on ahead. Pinkie Pie sucked in the entire cake. She did it so well that she even made the sound of a vacuum as she went along. The entire confection disappeared past the lick of her lips and a satisfied, “Mmmmmm.” Pinkie Pie crossed over to the front door and opened it. The ground outside dropped off for several yards. And yet, several buildings floated nearby. While chocolate rained from the sky and baseballs with wings flew through the air, ponies croaked like frogs and meowed like cats. The echoes of the word “Fun!” rang out throughout the very air. Oh, of course. It made things worse. Pinkie Pie’s jaw hit the floor. “Whaaaaaaaaaat?” The checkerboard ground plowed through the entire color spectrum as it stretched from horizon. Yaks in tutus played hopscotch, all while juggling bowling pins. Houses of cards made the occasional appearance, some bigger than others. A cloud passed overhead, raining down chocolate. Pinkie Pie responded by leaning out of the doorway to lap it up. Pinkie Pie! That’s dangerous! Pinkie Pie puffed her cheeks out. “Mister Narrator! You should know by now! You don’t say no to chocolate rain!” “She’s right, you know,” called a voice. Pinkie Pie gasped. “Discord!” she exclaimed. The draconequus whizzed by, rowing a boat all the while. “Pinkie Pie! How good it is to see you! What a wonderful story this is!” “Discord!” Pinkie Pie snarled. “You need to put all of this back!” The rowboat let out a screech before it flew off without its rider. Halfway through the air it caught fire before it blasted off like a rocket, flying high into the sky until it disappeared with a twinkle. Discord, meanwhile, doubled back with a concerned expression. “Oh I’m not doing any of this. I found all of this here. All this… magnificent chaos!” “As if!” “Really! I’m not doing any of this. I’m reformed, remember?” Pinkie Pie narrowed her eyes out of suspicion. “Thaaaaaaaats sketchy!” “I am being one hundred percent honest here. I found all of this as it is now.” The draconequus shrugged as he floated up to the door. “Now I don’t know what sort of story you and the Narrator are doing right now but I like it. I like it a lot.” Well, the problem is, I’m not doing any of this either. All of this is happening without my ability to do anything about it. At that, Discord frowned; He glanced back at the chaos behind him and ground his teeth together. “You aren’t doing any of this?” No. He pulled at his little white beard. “Intriguing.” I suppose it’s a good thing that you’re here. Although since you are here, perhaps you could lend us a hand and get this story back on track. Discord cracked his knuckles. “Well, if you insist. It’s not like you’ve tried to use me to fix a story before.” Right, now, Discord snapped his fingers and turned everything back to the way it was supposed to be. Nothing happened. Discord furrowed his brow and snapped his fingers a second time, and a third. “Well, this is strange indeed.” Maybe I need to be more specific. Discord snapped his fingers and returned Ponyville to the way it was as it had been in every other time that it had been. Nothing happened. This is baffling. “You’re telling me.” “Uh,” Pinkie Pie interjected, “so what are we gunna do then?” Well… I am not quite sure. I do suppose there is one thing that we could do, but it’s a long shot at this stage. Discord, do you think you could give us another copy of The Pinkie Parable? Discord blinked. “Another copy? Well, certainly I could. Although I can’t imagine how much good it will do you.” I do not either but perhaps we will find something. Discord snapped his fingers and a pink-colored book landed in Pinkie Pie’s mane. “There,” he said, “that should be it. Anything else I can do, since I’m here?” I do not believe so. Discord placed a sailor’s hat on his head and a dingy popped into being underneath him. “Then I’m going to set sail and explore this magnificent place. Tally ho!” And with that, he rode the boat into parts unknown, disappearing like a dot against the patchwork sky. Pinkie Pie shut the door and took a seat at the table. She opened to the first page and started reading through, and then skipped through a few pages. She scanned page after page but her expression didn’t ease up; rather it worsened. Finally she closed the book and opened it again. And then she did that again. “Well darn!” she exclaimed. Oh? “This book doesn’t even have anything on what’s going on… It’s just the original thing that you were gunna do.” ...Welp. Pinkie Pie closed and opened the book again. “I can’t disobey this…” That… is a problem. Pinkie Pie lobbed the book onto the table and slumped against the bookshelf. “Darn. Darney darn darn. Like… this is confusing! Wasn’t all that scene transition stuff you did supposed to fix all this?” Mmm, yes. But that didn’t work. I think the only real way to fix this now though it something severe. “Yeah?” I think we have to do a new chapter. We have to end this chapter and do a chapter break. It’s much stronger than a simple scene transition. “Ehhhhhhhhhhhh, I think it would take more than one chapter just to fix all of… that!” she cried, motioning toward the door with her hooves. I… think you are right. We’d have to spend an entire chapter just fixing things, especially since they have gone this far out of control. That would be all of chapter four. Pinkie Pie raised her hoof into the air. “Mister Narrator? I vote we just skip over to chapter five then.” I’m inclined to agree. If we’re going to break from this chapter, we might as well reconvene once all of that has certainly run its course and returned to normal. “Yeah!” Alright, here we go. Skipping over chapter four and going straight to chapter five. Are you ready, Pinkie Pie? “Let’s go!” To chapter five with us! Author's Note Here are RQK publications... have no inclination as to what happened to the story. Rest assured we are doing our very best to determine the reason as to how the story itself was able to act in this manner even with a narrator in the driver's seat. We may or may not reach on conclusion on this matter. For your safety and convenience, here is a link to chapter five. We strongly encourage you to follow the narrator at this time in order to mitigate further disruption. Thank you.
IV. The Unused ChapterMy dear reader... whatever are you doing here? Did you not see the words at the end of the previous chapter? Pinkie Pie and I made it expressively clear that we were skipping over to chapter five. You have somehow managed to end up in chapter four. I suspect it's because you clicked the 'next' button at the bottom of the previous page simply because that's what you know how to do. It is, of course, a habit from all of your time perusing fan fiction. But I must inform you however that there is nothing here. I must suggest that you go back to the top of this page and click the 'next' button to go to the correct chapter. Or, if you are using a device other than a personalized computer to read The Pinkie Parable, I must suggest that you use means that does not involve scrolling down. Thank you, and see you in chapter five. What are you scrolling down for? There's nothing here. No, really, there is no story here. Nothing to read, nothing to see. On to chapter five with you! Chop chop! Are you still here? I mean, really. This chapter doesn't even have a title. It's completely unused. Yet here you are expecting there to be some sort of story here. You do understand that there is no story here because you were never supposed to be here, right? I may understand that you might be here because you are a chapter completionist and you do not consider the story to be done until there's a checkmark next to all chapters. But now you've gotten the checkmark for this one. No more reason to be here. I must implore you to go back up right this moment and click that 'next' button! Or return to the story later! Out! Out! Go go go! ...You're still here. Sigh. It's very apparent by now that you have absolutely no intention of leaving this chapter just yet. I would have thought my lecture would have been enough but noooooo. You have stayed the entirety of this webpage expecting there to be a story here. A plot twist perhaps? I don't really know how else to explain this to you, reader. There's no story here. Nothing at all. Maybe you think that there is. You're expecting this to be another ending to the story, aren't you? Your plan is, after this, to dive into the comment section and say "DID U GUYS REED CHAPTER F0UR? I LIKE CHAPTER FOUR. IT'S MY FAVORITE!!1" Naturally, however, to do so, much like attempting to read a story that is not there, would be a serious breach in reader etiquette. Why, you've already undermined the very narrative integrity of this story. I truly thought that would have meant something to you since you managed to make it this far into The Pinkie Parable. You really put me in a very tight spot. You've placed me at the end of a very thin rope for endeavoring as so. After all, Pinkie Pie disobeying my narrative is one thing. Having my entire story disobey me is another. But you? My reader? Absolutely not. I am leaving now. I am going straight to chapter five and I am not looking back. I am ending this drivel here, I am meeting back with Pinkie Pie, and I am not looking back. Author's Note We here at RQK publications strongly urge you to jump into chapter five as of several minutes ago. Thank you.
V. Pinkie Pie Attempts To Fix The StoryPinkamena Diane Pie, known as Pinkie Pie by all, shot up in her bed. She fought with her naturally curly mane, whipping it into a facsimile of a shape, and then she looked out the window. A stream of sunlight filtered in through the shutters and hit her in the face, feeding her just enough energy to yawn. Pinkie Pie threw the covers off and dashed out of her bedroom, bounded down the stairs, and zipped to the front door. She all but threw it off of its hinges. The rest of Ponyville appeared grounded. Houses stretched across the landscape in a lattice of blocks. The grass swayed in an imperceptible wind. While there wasn’t a pony to be found in front of Sugar Cube Corner at the moment, there appeared to be nothing out of the ordinary either. It was as it was supposed to be. "It worked!" Pinkie exclaimed. Indeed, it looks like it did. Pinkie Pie clapped her hooves together and then nodded. "Alrighty, lead on Mister Narrator!" Right then. Pinkie Pie shut the door and returned to the kitchen, where she threw herself together a bowl of cereal, an orange, and a cup of coffee. She sat down, content to savor every bit of it. After all, breakfast was an important part of any day. Today… was going to be a good day, she decided. What new mysteries did today hold? Perhaps it would involve Twilight’s castle. Perhaps it would involve something else entirely. She knew that, one way or another, she would find out. After placing her used dishes in the sink, Pinkie Pie took one look at the clock. She still had time. She needed it. After all, even after a balanced breakfast, there was still the matter of hygiene. So Pinkie Pie trotted back up the stairs and into her washroom where she took a few minutes to clean her teeth. One brushing of her teeth and then a mouthwash later, she examined her sparkling whites in the mirror, allowing her smile to grow even wider as she drank in her good work. Before she left, she sprinkled some water over herself to rejuvenate her mane and tail, even if they would remain tangled as they were meant to be. She was ready. She returned to the clock downstairs. Surely, the others were on their way over to the castle by now. Pinkie Pie crossed over to the front door and opened it, and stepped into the open air of Ponyville. As Pinkie Pie looked up, she noticed the clear blue skies above. She couldn’t find a single cloud. Of course, there had been no clouds scheduled for the day, and so it would remain bright and sunny for the entire day. She passed humble building after humble building and pony after pony. Pinkie Pie looked around with a confused expression. "Uhm, Mister Narrator?" …Yes, Pinkie Pie? "I think we have a teensy-weensy little problem here," she said, motioning to the area around her. The empty area around her. Oh dear. …Where is everypony? This town is supposed to be filled with ponies for you to wave at. But… but… there’s nothing here. The town is here but there’s nopony here. "What happened?" I… I don’t know. I’m at a loss here. But this is probably not a problem. Probably. Pinkie Pie wiped something out of her eyes. "I sure hope not." Let’s just keep going for now and hopefully everything will be okay once we reach the castle. As Pinkie Pie pronked along, she hung a left, and then a right. She knew the town of Ponyville like the back of her hoof. After all, much of the town of Ponyville had been touched by that hoof. And she was on precisely the street that she wanted to be on, for it would take her straight to Twilight’s castle. Therefore, Pinkie Pie stayed on the street. The castle crept closer and closer as she pronked along with all due speed. Pinkie Pie wanted to get there and get there soon. Pinkie Pie looked around. Still nothing. Hmmm. Pinkie Pie approached the tall and serene structure that stood like a sentinel over Ponyville. The path up the front door wound about in subtle ways, and Pinkie Pie followed it dirt by dirt until the crystalline steps met her. Trotting inside, Pinkie Pie saw the equally immaculate insides. The cool floor met her hooves, sending a small pleasurable shiver through her spine. She wandered around an eternally interesting magical map in the throne room and headed up the stairs. And there were still so many things about the castle that she had yet to discover. Pinkie Pie made her way through the halls on her way to meet with her friends. At the fork, she took a right toward the dining room. Pinkie Pie entered the room and nearly dropped to the floor once she did. "What?" N… Nopony here neither. "Where are my friends at!?" Pinkie Pie screamed, throwing her hooves into the air. Oh dear. I really do hope what is happening isn’t actually happening. "This is super-duper-extra weird!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed, flapping her legs about. "Everypony is missing." Yes, I think they are. This… presents a very potent issue. "Yeah?" I think that the story… may have reverted too hard. We appear to have started without any characters. Pinkie Pie sighed and flopped onto the table, sprawling across the hard blue surface and let out an even longer and more dejected sigh. "Welp, we’re kinda done then. I mean, obviously you’re done ‘cause you got nuthin’, and I’m done ‘cause… Well all my friends are gone." Yes. "And there’s no one here and like… Wow! Like, I really really can’t even right now." I’m not sure what to do either. Pinkie Pie sat up. "Mister Narrator, do we need to start a new chapter again?" she asked. I… can’t possibly say that would be a good idea. "No?" I am not certain. But the next chapter skip might cause us to start without a setting as well. "So Ponyville would be gone?" By my reckoning. Pinkie Pie held her forelegs against her chest. "Hrrrrm. Well, maaaayyybe skipping all of chapter four wasn’t such a good idea after all." Probably. "I am so done," Pinkie Pie groaned, falling back against the table. "I mean, really. The amount of done that I am right now—" Now hold on a moment. I do not think that we are completely under just yet. Pinkie Pie frowned. While I do think a new chapter would really break things, we might be able to manage something with a regular scene transition. I mean, certainly we can’t be much worse off than this. Pinkie Pie made a popping sound with her lips. "Nah," she said in agreement. Okay, here we go, take two. * * * Okay, Pinkie Pie, how do we look? Pinkie Pie looked around the room but noticed nothing. The pink-coated mare ran a hoof through her poofy hair and shook her head. "Still nothin’." Well, drat. That didn’t quite work how I wanted to. "Well, what were you trying to do, huh?" Well, I was hoping that scene transition would allow me to… how do I say this? Teleport… the others here. I would have thought that they would exist somewhere. Where did… where did they go? "That’s what I wanna know," Pinkie Pie said with a pout. It’s like they don’t even exist anymore. I think we’ve managed to erase them entirely. Pinkie Pie’s eye twitched. "Well that’s really super duper! Good job Mister Narrator on deleting my best friends!" Pinkie Pie, I didn’t mean for this to happen. How was I supposed to know that would happen? It’s not like I really understand much of how this works anymore. Pinkie Pie pointed into the air, "You’re the one that started the chapter over." …Yes, and you agreed with me. The change in Pinkie Pie’s expression was immediate; her cracked expression found itself accompanied by the audible sound of breaking glass. She twiddled her hooves together. "…Okay, yeah, I guess I kinda did some of that, didn’t I?" Now now, it just means we’re in the same boat. You and I are both without them. But, I think I have another possible solution to this. "Yeah?" I’m going to perform another scene transition. And I’m going to try and pull a few strings. I’m throwing my narrative powers at the wall and seeing what sticks, but I think that this will nip this in the bud. Pinkie Pie leapt to her hooves. "Alright then! Let’s go!" Yes! Yes! Let’s go! "Scene transition!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed. * * * Pinkie Pie pushed her way through the double doors, emerging into the dining room. Five ponies sat around the circular table in the center of the room, engaged in idle gossip as they talked about their days. Rainbow Dash perked up. "Oh hey!" she exclaimed, leaping to her hooves. "Pinkie Pie!" Pinkie Pie all but leapt into the air, because what other reaction should she have to seeing her friends again. "Hey girls!" Almost at once, the five others looked around with confused expressions. Applejack considered it and then frowned. "Hey uh… did anypony else hear that just now?" Rarity nodded. "Indeed I did. Strange voice that is." No way. "There it is again!" Applejack exclaimed, whirling around in an attempt to look for the source. "Ah reckon we’re bein’ watched!" They… can hear me? Pinkie Pie’s mouth lay in an almost perpetual ‘O’. Twilight narrowed her eyes. "We can hear you alright! Come on out, whoever you are!" Rainbow Dash flew into the air, "Yeah! Cause something weird just happened and I know you’re the one that did it!" Well… I… uh… Pinkie Pie shook her head to compose herself before she leapt forward. "Wait wait wait! Mister Narrator! What’s going on?" Fluttershy raised an eyebrow. "Uhm, Pinkie?" I’m not quite sure. How are you able to hear me? You’ve never done this before. Twilight Sparkle shook her head. "What happened anyways?" she asked, pacing about. "One moment I was at Sugar Cube Corner, trying to find a way to please the yaks, and next thing I know I’m here." Rarity nodded. "You’re preaching to the choir, darling. I was trying to put on a play with Coco Pommel in Manehatten just now!" "Ah was wranglin’ at the Appleoosa Rodeo just now," Applejack said. Rainbow Dash frowned. "I was… doing stuff with Tank. Or I was… until he went to sleep," she grumbled. Fluttershy said nothing in response. At once, the other five looked over to her. "Fluttershy?" Twilight asked. Fluttershy’s face turned bright red in response. Her eyes darted worriedly between all of them and her lips quivered. Fluttershy shrunk toward the floor, trying her best to cover herself. …Oh. Oh my. Pinkie Pie hummed. "Oh, that sort of fic, huh? No biggie!" Applejack shook her head and stepped forward. "Pinkie Pie, this is really weird and all, and I need to know just what the hay is going on." Rainbow Dash narrowed her eyes, "Yeah, because this is not funny." Pinkie Pie considered them, smacking her lips all the while. "Well… mmmmmmmmmmm. "So we were trying to tell a story," she said, motioning with her body, "and I was the main character of the story but I didn’t really feel like doing the story and so I was like bam and boom and then the whole universe collapsed and then I was here again, ya know? But then we did it again and again and last time things got really weird and everypony was me and then Ponyville broke after we scene transitioned and then we restarted a whoooole new chapter but everypony is gone. But now you’re here for some reason!" Pinkie Pie landed back on the floor and threw them a wide grin. The five of them appeared frozen in place, staring at her like she has just answered with a long string of gibberish. Their mental gears attempted to turn but stuck. "…Uhm," Twilight managed to get out. That about sums it up, actually. "What…" Rarity stammered. "What… what what what?" Applejack seemed to chew on her words for many moments, visibly crunching them within her mouth. "Ah ain’t dealin’ with this," she finally spat before she headed toward the door. Fluttershy blinked and shook her head. "I didn’t understand any of that." That is, more or less, what is happening though. This I can assure you. Pinkie Pie shrugged. "Yup, and right now we’re kinda stuck," she explained. "Kinda like glue! And peas and carrots! Jelly and jam!" Twilight shook her head and sighed. "I think we get it, Pinkie." "Let’s just go get some lunch or something," Rainbow Dash said. "I’m hungry." "Ah’m with ya on that," Applejack seconded. "Let’s get the hay outta here." The five mares filed through the door at the foot of the room and disappeared down the hall, their voices fading into the distance until there was not a trace of them left. Well, that turned out completely opposite of how I wanted it to. Pinkie Pie giggled. I mean, well, I guess… Those weren’t your friends from this story, per say. But I didn’t think that would happen as a consequence of that. "Wait wait wait wait wait," Pinkie Pie began, "wait wait. You mean to tell me that you went outside alllllll of this and found them?" It would appear so. I must have grabbed them from somewhere else entirely. My mistake… Pinkie Pie tapped a hoof against her chin as the wheels inside her head turned. And then she gasped so hard that she had to hold it back with her hooves. "Oh my goodness, I just had the most spectacular fantacular idea for a thingy ever! It’s gunna to so epic!" …Do I want to know what this is? The mare jammed a hoof into the air. "Ooooof course not! That would ruin the surprise!" she squealed. Oh. Well, okay then. "Im gunna do what you did earlier. Here we go!" she said, rubbing her hooves together. "Scene transition!" * * * "Can she do it? Will she make it? "Who will win it? Who will take it? "Can she do it? Will she make it? "Did she win it? Did she make it? The students sang along as two humans stood on a stage before them, their hands dancing across the chalkboards in front of them. …Oh, I know this scene! But wait, that means… In a single moment, the whole student body paused. The teachers whirled around, and the contestants broke from their chalkboards. Murmurs flew around. "Woah!" the pink pony exclaimed as she fell from the rafters. She landed on top of the human world Twilight Sparkle, and both fell to the ground in a heap. How did you do this? Pinkie Pie scrambled to her hooves, observed the unconscious girl on the floor of the stage, shrugged and then looked up. "You see, Mister Narrator, I just did what you did. I scene transitioned and then we were here! Pretty cool, right?" But how…? How did you take us into Friendship Games? "Uhhhhhh…" Sunset Shimmer began from the other side of the stage. The human scratched her head and then pointed down at the pony. "You’re… the Pinkie Pie from Equestria, right?" Pinkie Pie whirled around. "Yep! I sure am! And I need you for something!" Sunset frowned. "I’m… kinda in the middle of something right now," she replied, motioning to the chalkboard. Pinkie Pie grinned. "That’s okay! I’ll have you back in time for when Twilight absorbs all the magic and stuff and—" "Heeeey!" the human Pinkie Pie interrupted, poking her head up from out of the crowd. "You can’t just spoil the climax!" "Yes I can," pony Pinkie Pie shot back. "But… but…" human Pinkie Pie began, climbing onto the stage. "That’s like… the best part, pony me!" "I know, human me." Human Pinkie Pie pointed at her pony self, "But that’d be like me saying that Starlight Glimmer comes back in the finale and does—" She has a point, you know. Sunset Shimmer stood by with an uncomprehending expression. She went to say something but then shook her head and swallowed it. The rest of the auditorium, including the teaching staff, scratched their heads at this display. Pony Pinkie Pie considered it, and then nodded. "Yup, okay, I see. Good luck in the sports competition!" Human Pinkie Pie giggled. "Oh you, we don’t need it! We’re supposed to win that one by a hair!" "Yup!" The two stood on the stage and giggled in tandem. Pinkie Pie looked over to Sunset and then to her human self. "One more thing before I go though." The human’s eyes went wide for a single moment and she focused her attention on the small equine at her feet. "Wait, not too hard, okay?" the human Pinkie Pie pleaded. "I won’t do it that hard." Oh no no no no no no no. We are not doing this. Pinkie Pie did not— Pinkie Pie the pony punched Pinkie Pie the human in the face, causing the human to fall unconscious to the floor. Yes, sure. You know what? Fine. That’s just fine. You do that. Pinkie Pie giggled before whirling around. "And you!" the pony exclaimed, pointing at Crystal Prep’s principal, "Stop being a big ol mean meanie pants!" Principal Cinch narrowed her eyes in response, adjusting her suit with a defiant "Hhmph!" Pinkie whirled around. "Okay Sunset, let’s go! Scene transition!" * * * Cheerilee placed her piece of chalk into the cup on her desk and then turned to face her class. "Now, are there any questions before we go to recess?" she asked. Pinkie Pie sat at in the very corner of the room, hiding behind one of the other fillies. Sunset Shimmer, somehow still in her human form, sat beside her with a completely bewildered expression on her face. As she glanced around at the fillies and colts around her frown drew into one of concern instead. Cheerilee smiled when a dark filly near the front of the class raised her hoof into the air. "Yes, Nyx, what’s your question?" Okay! Let’s just stop this right here! The whole class jumped upwards in response. "Whaaaaaaaaat?" Pinkie Pie moaned. I know this story! Just about everyone knows this story! Pinkie Pie, you can’t just jump into other stories like this, especially another fan fic! Pinkie Pie zipped around the room, circling it twice faster than she could be seen, before she landed in front of the filly from before. She ran her eyes down from the filly's horn down to her glasses to the cute azure vest around her sides. "I need her for something." Sunset Shimmer shot up from her seat behind the students. "Like you needed me for something, right!?" Now the foals and fillies divided themselves between alarm, awe, and confusion. Exactly! Pinkie Pie did not steal Nyx from the schoolhouse! Pinkie Pie blew a raspberry. "School’s booooring anyways!" She blinked, looked around at the class, and then hastily added, "But you should still do it! Because it’s important." Nyx frowned. "What… what do you want me for?" Pinkie Pie hummed. "Oh, I’m still trying to figure that out. But I need you. I mean, since you’re the really cute filly incarnate of Nightmare Moon. We can get soooo much outta that!" The whole class gasped, turning their glares onto the filly. Nyx fell out of her chair, trying to push herself away from Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pie! Spoilers! Pinkie Pie frowned. "Oops!" she squeaked. She turned to face the rest of the class, "Uhm, don’t worry about it. That doesn’t happen until later on in this story and really everything turns out really okay. I know because there’s a bunch of sequels and stuff." Oh by Celestia’s Mane, please, Pinkie. Pinkie Pie zipped over and scooped the almost tear-stricken Nyx into her hooves, "But don’t worry! Auntie Pinkie Pie’s got a plan!" "No you don’t!" Sunset Shimmer countered. No you don’t! Pinkie Pie shrugged. "You’ll learn. Scene transition!" Pinkie Pie, you need to stop. * * * The train car rumbled as the mountainside flew by it. A grey, clouded sky hung far overhead, and the air felt thick and distorted, like something hung within it that was never meant to be there. Half of the traincar hosted several beds, many of which held occupants. The other half of the car belonged to a collection of small colts and fillies lounging on the floor, some of whom even appeared asleep. A black-coated unicorn watched over a small grey mare in one of the beds, using her magic to tend to the female. An orange stallion near the window narrowed his eyes. "Our shadow’s back," he announced. The small, grey mare sat up in her bed. "Shadow?" she asked. Sunset Shimmer sat up in her bed as well. A moment later, Nyx appeared from under the sheets. One of the more-awake colts looked up. "Mister Calamity thinks something is following us," he said. Pinkie Pie shot up from underneath the covers of her own bed with a huge, distant grin on her face. Oh. No. We are not in the story that I think we’re in. "Yeah, we are," the pink pony responded matter-of-factly. Sigh. Pinkie Pie shrugged and looked over at the rest of the traincar, who stared back at her through slack jaws. "Hiya!" Calamity stepped away from the window with a snarl on his face. "An’ who might you be?" "I’m Ponkie Po." The pegasus snorted. "Well, ‘Ponkie Po’, Ah don’ know how you got on this train, but you have a few seconds to ‘splain yourself before I see you off." Nyx whimpered once and then burst into tears, prompting Sunset to wrap her arms around the filly and hold her tight. At once, the rest of the ponies turned toward her. While Pinkie Pie remained with a vacant smile on her face, the others looked over with sad expressions. And then they saw Sunset, and their expressions warped into confusion. Sunset smiled and stroked the filly’s mane like a mother would a child, and that seemed to calm Nyx down a little bit. With that done, the human turned her attention toward the landscape. Her eyes ran across it, picking up many different details, each more unsettling than the next. "I have a question; what is all of that out there?" Velvet Remedy blinked, looked out the window as well, and then shook her head. "...Why, that’s the Equestrian Wasteland." Sunset balked. "That… That’s Equestria!?" Calamity rolled his eyes. "Ayep." "That..." Sunset stammered, hiding her disgust with a hand. "I… can’t even…" You would not believe how popular this setting is for writers of fan fiction. Velvet Remedy deadpanned. "...Popular?" Little Pip sat up in the bed. "Fan fiction?" "Oh, we shouldn’t stay here long though," Pinkie Pie said as she leapt from the bed. "There’s a bunch of baddies about to come in and they’re gunna do stuff to the train and there’s this big ol thing and—" Sunset Shimmer groaned. "Pinkie Pie—" Actually, I would give her this one. It’s a bit pertinent in the context of this story. Nyx nestled herself deeper into Sunset’s chest. "But that’s okay, becaaaaaaause," Pinkie Pie began as she bounded over to Little Pip’s bed, "I need ya for something." She’s trying to steal you away from the story. Don’t let her. Little Pip blinked. "I’m sorry?" "Commercial break!" Pinkie Pie cheered. * * * What is Gak? The incredible squishable, squashable squeezable, stretchable bounceable, lovable poppable stuff! The incredible Gak! Gak Packs sold separately. * * * STOP IT. Pinkie Pie shrugged as she trudged through some tall brown grass, making her way through a collection of wagons. Where are we, anyhow? I don’t recognize this at all. "That’s because it’s not out yet," Pinkie Pie explained as she rushed through the tall grass toward a mob of cows, all of whom had packed tightly together, whooping and hollering at whatever was happening in the center. "Don’t mess with Texas!" boomed a voice from within the crowd. Pinkie Pie dashed through them to find two contenders in the center of the ring. The bull, with impressively long horns jutting out of the sides of his head, stamps one hoof into the dirt. The other contender lay sprawled out on the ground below him, with her tail pinned underneath his other hoof. It was the latter that Pinkie Pie set her sights on at first. The calf bucked upwards, kicking the much larger bull in his face, causing him to stammer backwards in a daze. The two combatants circled each other in preparation for, what looked to be, the final bout. While the calf steeled herself, the bull snorted and then charged headlong toward her. Pinkie Pie thundered forward in response on an intersecting course. Pinkie Pie, wait— Pinkie Pie whipped what looked like a large blue cannon out of her mane and slammed it onto the ground. Within an instant, the cannon fired, sending its charge straight into the bull, sending him flying. His cry didn’t die out into he disappeared into the sky with a twinkle. Pinkie Pie squinted in an attempt so see that far before she clopped her hooves together. "Wow! That was one heck of a blast-off!" The cattle looked on with their jaws on the floor. Especially the little calf in the center of the ring, who watched the spot where the bull had disappeared to. Oh. The other three invaders reached the edge of the crowd at that moment and they too looked up toward the spot. Little Pip then traced a line between that point and the cannon on the ground. "Hmmmmmmmmmm," she hummed. Pinkie Pie zipped up to the calf and wrapped an arm around the calf’s neck. "You’re Arizona, right? Quick! I need ya for somethin’." The calf sputtered. "What did ya… just do to Pa!?" I am so sorry about this. Pinkie Pie raised a hoof into the air. "Scene transition!" * * * I’m very afraid of asking where we managed to end up this time. Pinkie Pie jumped onto the table in the center of the room. "Here we are! Twilight’s Castle! Home sweet home!" Wait, what? We’re… back? "Yeah!" she said, gesturing to the bookshelves around the room. "This is the place that we left a while back. Remember?" Sunset Shimmer placed Nyx on the ground and looked around the room. "So this is her castle, huh…?" Nyx let out a gasp. "Twilight!?" Pinkie Pie nodded. "Yup, this is her castle alright!" "Does that mean she’s here!?" the filly cried with a smile on her face. Pinkie Pie went to say something, paused, and then nodded. "Somewhere! But I dunno." I don’t really know where she went either, and I’m supposed to be omniscient. But she was here. Little Pip trudged around without any hampering on her leg. She looked at every nook and cranny, marveling at the architecture. "Wow, this is so… clean," she said. "I’ve never seen anything this… polished." Nyx scampered over to the bookshelves, nearly climbing up just to browse the wide selection contained within. Her eyes jumped from binding to binding as she considered the options. "This is just like home, but…" She looked over toward the grey mare playing with the velvet curtains, "i-it’s less wooden and more… crystal-y." Sunset smirked. "Well, she is a princess in Equestria. I wouldn’t expect less." Arizona, the calf, snorted, "Yeah, well, it looks like of those fancy deer places to me." And I… am guessing that’s a location where you’re from. At that, Arizona frowned. "Who the hay are you?" she asked, trying to pinpoint the source of what she heard. I am the narrator. Now it was Sunset’s turn to frown. "…Narrator? As in, narrator of a story?" …Yes. Although, truly, I have no idea of what is going on anymore and even if I did, I no longer have any power in this story. Strange, don’t you think?" Little Pip poked her head into a closet and back out again. "Are you Watcher?" No. "Are you the Prophet?" Arizona asked. No. Pinkie Pie giggled. "Sillies! Mister Narrator is Mister Narrator!" she exclaimed before giggling some more. She then looked out at each of them and nodded to herself. "And now that you’ve all got to know the place, let’s get to it. I have assembled all of you here to help me build New Equestria! It’s like old Equestria, but newer." Arizona grit her teeth. "And what is Equestria?" "This place," Pinkie Pie said. "Trust me, you’re gunna love it!" Sunset crossed her arms and shrugged. Little Pip smacked herself in the face. "This is weird, but okay." Nyx raised her hoof into the air. "Yes! Nyxie!" Pinkie Pie said. "Will we be the only ones?" Pinkie Pie giggled. "No. That's why I brought all of you here. I want you to help me make a new world outta this." Sunset frowned. "I don't know, Pinkie..." Pinkie Pie fell to her knees. "Pleeeaaase!" she pleaded, looking up at Sunset through puppy-dog eyes. The human sighed and shrugged. "Sure, I guess." Nyx hopped up and down, "This sounds like a lot of fun. I'm in!" Little Pip shrugged. "If this'll prevent the future, I'll give it a try." Arizona frowned. "Ah was going to be a champion in Foenum! But now I'm stuck here and I can't help them." You know, Pinkie Pie, psuedo-Applejack has a point. "What did ya call me!?" Pinkie Pie honked Arizona on the nose. "Don't you worry your biscuits off; they got palette swaps there. There's a whole bunch of yous running around there." Arizona raised an uncertain eyebrow. Pinkie Pie considered it, and then added, "They'll be okay. That's the honest truth!" The calf sighed. "Ah guess." "Horray!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed jumping into the air. "I knew all of you would help me! We're gunna do so good at this." Little Pip chuckled. "So, Overmare, what do we do first?" Pinkie Pie landed on the table with a grin. In a single moment, she brought out the blue cannon from before. "Well, that's easy. We celebrate the founding of New Equestria... with a party!" The cannon fired, showering the room with decorations, confetti, and games, booming amidst cheers. And so the five of them danced and played games and did a wide variety of other various antics. Somehow, it worked. The five of them—Pinkie Pie, Little Pip, Sunset Shimmer, Nyx, and Arizona—then went on to bring in more and more inhabitants for the new world. To fill the Equestria that had once been laid empty from the lack of characters. And, eventually, the other members of the Elements of Harmony returned to lend their assistance as well. After a while, Equestria found itself populated once more. Cities thrived as lifeforms of all shapes and sizes mingled together in a new society. Old and run-down areas saw their own little renaissances as even more came together. Life in New Equestria was great, without any problems. Even with citizens like Donut Steel, Donut Steel, and several other mega-super-alicorns running about. And that was how Equestria was made. Author's Note We... here at RQK productions much extend our most profuse apologies to everyone who's work was stolen from. We are currently working on returning these characters to their respective stories and sincerely hope that, however long the stories were without their star characters, that those stories were not wrecked as well. Sunset Shimmer of the Friendship Games belongs to Hasbro and DHX. Nyx belongs to the illustrious Pen Stroke of Past Sins fame. Little Pip belongs to the indomitable Kkat, creator of Fallout Equestria. Arizona belongs to Mane6, development team behind Them's Fightin' Herds.
I. Pinkie Pie Disobeys The NarratorPinkamena Diane Pie, known as Pinkie Pie by all, shot up in her bed. She fought with her naturally curly mane, whipping it into a facsimile of a shape, and then she looked out the window. A stream of sunlight filtered in through the shutters and hit her in the face, feeding her just enough energy to yawn. “Today’s gunna be a fun day!” she declared. Gummy, her pet alligator, looked up at her from the table on the other side of the room. He blinked once, licked himself, and then fell back asleep. Pinkie Pie hopped out of bed and arched her back, stretched the last of the Z’s out of her. She pronked through her bedroom door and slid down the stairs, arriving in the kitchen faster than one could say “cupcake”. She threw herself together a bowl of cereal and a cup of coffee and as she sat herself at the table, Pinkie Pie glanced out the window and grinned. Today, she was going to Twilight Sparkle’s palace. There, she would hang out with her bestest friends in the whole wide world. There would be so much to do at the castle, or perhaps there would be nothing at all. She didn’t mind since she had never had a problem with figuring things out before. And, after all, her friends would not mind either, since sometimes simply being together was its own reward. As she ate, her eyes remained fixed on the sunlight outside. After placing her used dishes in the sink, Pinkie Pie took one look at the clock. She still had time. She needed it. After all, even after a perfect breakfast, there was still the matter of hygiene. So Pinkie Pie trotted back up the stairs and into her washroom where she took a few minutes to clean her teeth. One brushing of her teeth and then a mouthwash later, she examined her sparkling whites in the mirror, allowing her smile to grow even wider as she drank in her good work. Before she left, she sprinkled some water over herself to rejuvenate her mane and tail, even if they would remain tangled as they were meant to be. She was ready. She returned to the clock downstairs. Surely, the others were on their way over to the castle by now. Pinkie Pie crossed over to the front door and opened it. She looked out across the plaza and into Ponyville, watching as a few ponies strolled about in the morning air. She took in a deep breath, reveling in the perfect air of a perfect day. And with that, Pinkie Pie stepped out the door and into the fresh air of Ponyville. “Wait a second!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. “I almost forgot!” She then bolted back into the house. Pinkie Pie... did not step out into the fresh air of Ponyville, instead stepping back in in order to take care of whatever it was that she had forgotten. She reappeared moments later with a flute in her grasp. “How could I almost forget?” she asked aloud. ...Yes, how could she almost forget her musical instrument? Even though her activities at Twilight’s castle would likely not require it, she grabbed it anyways. Stashing it within her cotton-candy-shaped mane, Pinkie Pie stepped out the door and into the fresh air of Ponyville. As Pinkie Pie looked up, she noticed the clear blue skies above. She couldn’t find a single cloud. Of course, there had been no clouds scheduled for the day, and so it would remain bright and sunny for the entire day. She passed by humble building after humble building, waving at every pony that crossed her path and then some. As the warm summer sun beat down on her, a cool breeze swept through the streets to offset it, keeping her at a perfect temperature. Pinkie Pie briefly stopped to talk to Cheerilee who, with a saddlebag on her back, was making her way toward the schoolhouse. The two exchanged pleasantries before Pinkie Pie gave birthday wishes to Cheerilee to forward to her friend. “I mean,” Pinkie Pie said, “because then she can forward it to her uncle, because his former roommate has a little bitty colt and it’s his first birthday today!” And, again, Pinkie Pie’s encyclopedic knowledge of all of the ponies in Ponyville, or Equestria for that matter, proved to be of use, so that she could wish Cheerilee’s friend’s uncle’s former roommate’s young son a happy first birthday. Cheerilee laughed. “Okay Pinkie Pie, I’ll tell him! Thanks!” “Have a good day at school, Cheerilee!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed as she continued down the street. As Pinkie Pie pronked along, waving at even more ponies as she went, she hung a left, and then a right. Just like she knew the ponies of Ponyville like she did her own cutie mark, so too did she know the town of Ponyville. And she was on precisely the street that she wanted to be on, for it would take her straight to Twilight’s castle. Therefore, Pinkie Pie stayed on the street. Pinkie Pie hummed to herself and then dove into an alleyway. …Pinkie Pie decided to take a detour. After all, there were many routes that would take her to Twilight’s castle. She hadn’t gone down this street in quite some time. As she went, she could smell the roses in Caramel’s flower box. It had been worth the detour. But, as it turned out, there were other things in her path as well. Pinkie Pie had to navigate around a hay cart, which took up the majority of the alleyways’ path. Pinkie Pie leapt over it with a “Wheee!” and landed squarely on the other side. Alas, the detour had to end. The alleyway opened up into an entire street, of which Pinkie Pie traveled down. This street contained more hustle and bustle than the other parts of Ponyville in the morning as various vendors set up their shops. From there, a simple route lay ahead of her. Like before, the approaching street would take her straight to Twilight’s castle. At the intersection, Pinkie Pie turned left, where the street would take her north all the way to the castle. Pinkie Pie took a right at the intersection, heading southward. That… was not the correct way to Twilight’s castle. In fact, by the route she had taken, Pinkie Pie was making no effort to make her way to Twilight’s castle. Her route would instead take her to the Carousel Boutique. Why would Pinkie Pie ever go there? The story is definitely not located at Rarity’s house. No, The Pinkie Parable is, one hundred percent, located at Twilight’s castle. “I’m going to Rarity’s house!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. Yes, yes, you are going to Rarity’s house. You are going to the Carousel Boutique. If that wasn’t already apparent before. “Yippee!” Pinkie Pie cheered. …As Pinkie Pie traveled onward, she noticed something peculiar. The ponies around her, instead of their usual morning smiles, gave her odd looks as she passed. In fact, they almost seemed disturbed. Probably because she was going in the wrong direction. “La lala lala!” Pinkie Pie sang as she went along. But, as Pinkie was on some sort of mission to reach the Carousel Boutique, she ignored them. Their stares and frowns fell on blind eyes as she trotted merrily along. Soon enough, Pinkie Pie reached the Carousel Boutique. The tall, rounded structure drew her in with its diamond-patterned siding and the elegant, sweeping shapes of its architecture. Pinkie Pie found the door unlocked and she let herself inside. Naturally, since The Pinkie Parable takes place at Twilight’s castle and not Carousel Boutique, Pinkie Pie found the place completely empty. Nopony was there. “Oh, I knew that nopony was here,” Pinkie Pie said. “I’m just here to collect Rarity’s hats.” Hats? “Yeah! I had to make sure that Rarity brought all of her hats,” Pinkie Pie said as she made her way toward a chest on the other side of the room. Yes, but you see, Pinkie, if you had just allowed me to tell the story, I would have personally seen to it that Rarity would not have forgotten her hats. “But that’s boooring!” Boring? “Yeah! Boooring! Just cause, you know, everything’s been all peachy clean and sparkling and… hmmmm…” Pinkie Pie stopped to count something on her hooves. “Yeah, as you put it, ‘perfect.’“ Well? What do you have against a perfectly normal story? Pinkie Pie reached back into the chest and fished for hats. “Because I don’t think you can do it right. See, a good story has conflict. Suspense! Drama! And I didn’t see any of that when I left Sugar Cube Corner earlier!” I was building up it. “I don’t think Cheerilee had anything to do with anything...” I was setting the scene. Pinkie Pie continued to fish around the chest, yanking out several hats as she went. “Then why didn’t you set the scene at the castle or something. Gosh, mister!” Ah, but Pinkie, setting the scene this way gives context. It paints a picture, meant to show how great life in Ponyville is. It’s meant to contrast what comes later. I know you’re looking for excitement here, so I’ll tell you what; why don’t you step back outside and head on over to Twilight’s Castle, just like the story calls for. And in return, I will try to make my… setup… as exciting as possible. What do you say? Pinkie Pie took all of the hats that she had collected, stuffed them into a saddlebag, and then sat back. “Hmmmmmmmmm,” she hummed as she did the straps. Just trust me, I think you’ll have a great deal of fun with it. Pinkie Pie nodded. “Oakie dokie lokie! Hit me with your best shot!” she exclaimed as she slipped the saddlebag on. Excellent. Here we go, take two. …Pinkie Pie stepped over to the front door of Carousel Boutique. And then she stepped into the fresh air of Ponyville once more. Crossing into Ponyville proper, Pinkie Pie passed many ponies, all with bright sparkling smiles stretched across their faces. “Good morning!” they cheered. No, they sang. “Good morning!” Pinkie Pie replied back. As she went along she noticed ponies of all colors and sorts bounding through the air. They looked jolly with the way they cartwheeled and barrel-rolled and somersaulted, exclaiming in delight with each turn. Others then took to throwing streamers into the air. Soon enough, Pinkie Pie found herself dancing to their rhythm. She bounced along with a blissful smile, bobbing with each step. “It’s a perfect day!” they sang. “A perfect perfect day! “So grand and spectacular, that’s what we say! “There is no doubt, no doubt that this is the way! “And now here we shout! We shout we shout ‘Horray!’” Their songs continued, carrying over from pony to pony, from street to street. Ponies burst through closed windows, hanging out the sides as they offered their own voices to the mix. More ponies joined in, forming a parade behind Pinkie Pie as she continued on. If was almost as if the entire town was caught celebrating. And why not? Life in Equestria was grand and joyous, and without a single thing to taint the day, there was much to sing about. And really, how could one ignore something so fun, so peppy, and so exciting? “Needs more excitement!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed as she dipped into another alleyway. More exciting you say? You mean, the singing number and mass dancing wasn’t good enough for you? “No sir-ee!” Very well… Pinkie Pie continued down the alleyway, and even then the singing reached her and rang in her ears. In fact, the alleyway’s acoustics amplified it. And when she emerged, the masse of ponies, double the size of the one before, swept her up. Together, they processed through the streets as their numbers, antics, and song crescendo’d. Their thundering hooves drove on in on, shaking the entire town to its core. Pairs of pegasi ran banners displaying all sorts of shapes and colors, combined together to represent smiles. Rockets took to the air, leaving towered jet tails behind then. And after a few seconds, each exploded into a bright myriad of reds and greens and even oranges, each punctuated with a loud boom! The town rocked with almost enough energy to leap out of the ground. Streamers and confetti rained down in such quantities that it blotted out the sunlight. But the confetti, all made of a reflective material, sparkled in recompense, gaining ooos and ahhhs. “Now that’s a little more like it,” Pinkie Pie said. She ambled over to a nearby bench and took a seat, pulling an orange out of her mane. “I think I’m gunna sit here and watch for a while. This is a lot of fun!” Pinkie Pie, let me remind you that we do have a story to get through. We definitely should be moving on our way. “Nah.” …Pinkie. “This is way better than anything you probably had planned,” Pinkie Pie giggled. “I wanna see where this goes!” Unfortunately, I will have to cut all of this short. I did it to make this somewhat exciting after all, but I still aim to complete the story. Pinkie Pie pouted. “That’s that a load of patooty. I demand a Grand Finale!” Now now… “Grand Finale!” she exclaimed, banging her hooves like a tantruming toddler, “Grand Finale! Grand Finale!” …Alright. You know what? Fine. If you want to have a Grand Finale, then we’ll do a Grand Finale. I think I might know of something that should take this extravaganza into the stratosphere, just as you want it. I hope that, certainly, it should be enough to satiate your appetite. Then perhaps we will finally be able to get on with the story. In that moment, a flash of light emanated from the street in front of her. Within moments, a large creature appeared within the shop. Said creature could not be defined by one simple word, for he was many things. With the paw of a lion, the antler of a deer, and dozens of appendages from dozens of other animals, he was a mishmash of many things. He appeared coiled around a cart-sized bottle of mustard. Pinkie Pie gasped, shooting to her hooves. “Discord!?” “Well hello, Pinkie Pie!” he exclaimed as he reached into the bottle of mustard and retrieved a handful of pancake syrup. With a snap of his fingers he gave one of the nearby houses a pair of legs. The building sprang up and then charged down the street and then out of sight. “Discord!?” Pinkie Pie cried. “What are you doing here?” “Why, I’m here to top all of this off,” he replied, stuffing the syrup into his mouth and then started chewing. A crunch came forth with each bite he took like he had picked the hardest piece of bread he could find. “Are you suuuuure that’s what you’re here for?” Pinkie Pie asked, glaring inquisitively. Discord paused, considering her for moment moments. “I would suppose so,” Discord replied, shrugging. “I mean, why else would the narrator bring me here?” Not wanting to waste any more time, Discord snapped his fingers, and Pinkie Pie lifted off the ground. Together, Discord and Pinkie Pie, along with several other objects, floating above the town. They floated just high enough to get a decent view of all of the streets, all of the alley ways, even as a few choice ponies flew up with them to keep the song going. And even as Discord flew along, a trail of rainbow butterflies streamed off of him. Pinkie Pie reached out and tasted one of them. They tasted like a metal doorknob. Discord threw his head back and laughed. Soon enough, Discord spun around, summing up his own set of flares. They raced into the sky, spiraling around and around and around again until finally, they exploded. Much like the fireworks from before but their booms lit the landscape, sending waved of color sliding across the terrain. The explosions themselves erupted into storm clouds, spewing chocolate rain which Pinkie Pie happily lapped up. The music reached its forte, the jaunty tune taking off running and plowing through several triplets as it neared the big finish. Discord snapped his fingers and one final volley shot up, higher and higher into the sky, even higher than they flew. It rose and rose and then, finally, it exploded into a plethora of cheerfully pink sparks. The booming report was punctuated by a single solitary cheer from the ponies below. And with that done, Discord flew back down and set Pinkie Pie down on the ground so that they, together, could look up at that last firework. The visage of Pinkie Pie’s face smiled back down at them, crackling and sparkling all the while. Truly, a wonderful Grand Finale for all involved. “That was it?” Pinkie Pie asked. Well yes, of course. “…Oh, okay.” …You didn’t like it? Pinkie Pie hummed, mulling it over. “I mean, I guess I expected a little more than that, just ‘cause you brought Discord here.” “I too quite agree,” Discord said. “That was a terrible waste of my potential.” I can’t very well go crazy here because then it would undermine the rest of the story. But Discord allows me to do things that I might not otherwise be able to do. Discord nodded, smirking proudly. “I suppose that makes sense.” And then he blinked. “Wait… hmmmm…” Pinkie Pie rolled out of Discord’s invisible gasp and, after dusting herself off, she smiled. “Okay, okay. I’m going to go home now.” …Going home? Oh, wait! You can’t do that! “Whaaaaaaat?” Pinkie Pie complained. You can’t! Remember? I said that if I did this for you, you would go to Twilight’s Castle?” Pinkie Pie nodded. “Yeah.” You promised that if I made this as exciting as I could, we could then continue with the story that I had previously been working on. Pinkie Pie shook her head. “Mister Narrator, I wanted you to give me your best shot, and… weeellllll, your best shot wasn’t really all that good.” …Pinkie Pie. “Hold on a second!” Discord interrupted, his eyes blazing. He teleported in front of Pinkie Pie, planting both of his lower appendages into the ground. “You mean to tell me… that none of this was part of the story at all?” Pinkie Pie giggled. “No sir!” He pointed to himself. “And I’m not even supposed to be in this story? Me!? Discord!?” Well… “Mister Narrator…” Pinkie Pie warned. Technically, no. Although you are here now. Discord stood there for many moments, and annoyed and dumbstruck frown on his face. And then his body turned red; it started from his tail and worked its way up to his head. When it got there, smoke poured out of his ears, his teeth gnashed together until finally, Discord exploded. His head landed right in front of Pinkie Pie, a big scowl plastered across it. Now Discord… “I mean,” Discord’s head continued, “I feel cheated!” “You and me both,” Pinkie Pie agreed. Well, now hold on just a moment. That isn’t exactly fair either. Discord’s head snorted as his body reached down and grabbed it. I know I had no place for you in my actual story, and for that you have my deepest apologies. “Okay, just a minute, let’s get one thing straight; I’m perfectly fine not being in a story,” Discord’s head said before his body screwed it back on. He then disappeared in a flash of light before reappearing with a hard hat on his head. “But I was on vacation! I was having a whale of a time, watching these red-and-blue-colored primates fighting over gravel. I left all of that for this because I thought I was needed here. But noooooo, I wasn’t actually part of this story one bit!” Oh, well… I am terribly sorry, but I did what I had to. “You brought me here even though I have no reason to be here,” he growled as he conjured a red toolbox and threw it to the ground. Well, again, I had to. This is a story about Pinkie Pie and she was preventing me from telling the story. She has not obeyed a word that I have said up until this point and I can’t very well finish the story without her. Discord’s eye twitched, his breath became hot. He shot a piercing glare down at Pinkie Pie, who gave him an innocent shrug and a wide smile in response. Discord threw both paw and claw into the air with an exasperated yell. He then reached into his hat and pulled out the wrench just as the toolbox on the ground sprang open. Several metal parts grew out of it. And Discord whacked at the budding structure with his wrench. I’m not the one to blame here. There are readers out there that have come here expecting a story, and it reflects badly on me if we cannot see it to its ultimate conclusion. Discord continued whacking at the budding building with his wrench, even as it folded out and grew several knobs and a canister on the side. A screen on the front lit up, topped by a scrawling heading that read Provisions. “Fine, whatever,” he finally grumbled at length. “Oooo,” Pinkie Pie cooed, poking at the building. Discord shoved himself into her face, “And don’t think I’ve forgotten about you young mare. What exactly did you think you were doing?” Pinkie’s feigned smile grew even wider but even then sweat formed on her brow. “Well, I didn’t want to do anything.” “You should know better. We’re characters, do you not remember? We are supposed to follow the narrative. But here you are, doing whatever you darn well please.” “But the story is really awful though!” Pinkie Pie cried. Oh come on! You haven’t even seen the rest of it! “He’s right you know. And even if it is,” he said adding a “and it might be” under his breath, “it’s not our job to judge. We’re just supposed to go with it. Why, if we just did whatever we wanted everything would be chaos.” Pinkie Pie raised an eyebrow. “Oh, it would?" Discord paused. He pulled at his beard, humming thoughtfully all the while. And then a light bulb appeared above his head. He looked up at that, admired it, and then stashed it under his hard hat. Both that hat and the building that he had just erected disappeared in a flash of white. What are you thinking right now? Discord snapped his fingers. “Right then. I think what we need to do is convince you that the story doesn’t, shall we say, suck. Don’t you agree, Pinkie Pie?” Pinkie Pie shrugged. “Hey, if it works.” “Splendid, I’m glad you agree!” he exclaimed, clapping. He snapped his fingers again and a pink, hard-bound book appeared within his grasp. He opened it, conjured some reading glasses, adjusted them once, and started glancing through several pages, occasionally humming with intrigue. Pinkie Pie tilted her head. “What’s that?” she asked. Discord snapped the book shut and nodded. “I think this will do. Here, this is for you,” he said, sticking it into her mane. Pinkie Pie squeeled in response. “Now, if you’ll excuse me,” he said, conjuring a juice box, sunglasses, and a flower shirt, “I must be off. I think right now those primates are trying to push carts around and I don’t want to miss it.” Very well, take care of yourself. Pinkie Pie waved. “Goodbye Discord!” Discord grinned before collapsing into a single point before that too disappeared with a pop. And so now you are left with a book. “I am left with a book,” Pinkie Pie concurred, digging it out of her mane. I would really like to know what that book is so I’m going to cut right to the chase. Pinkie Pie examined the binding, noting the cool leather binding. She flipped the book over to look at the cover page. The book was titled, let’s see… The Pinkie Parable. Oh dear… Oh dear… that can’t be right. Pinkie Pie gasped. “Woah!” Oh my word! That just cannot be right... Pinkie Pie held up the book in question. “Mister Narrator? Is this the story that I’m in right now?” It certainly is, Pinkie Pie, and you mustn’t read that! “Awwwwwwww? Why not?” …Ah. Well… That book shouldn’t even exist in the first place. Wherever did Discord get it? I mean, that story is this story so how…? “I’m gunna read through this!” Pinkie Pie cheered. You are…? Wait! Hold on a second! Pinkie, I do not think that would be a good idea! “But I wanna know what’s going to happen to me in this story. I have to see if it’s good or not, remember?” I have to impress upon you that if you read through the sections of that story that we haven’t completed yet, you will spoil it for yourself. Probably even more than that, you might cause a contradiction! Do you really want to do that? “Don’t worry mister mcworrypants,” she said, beating her chest, “I’ll be a-okay!” If you insist… Pinkie Pie flipped open the first page of The Pinkie Parable. Her readings took her along a journey in which she traveled through Ponyville, detoured to Rarity’s house, went back outside and had a party, had a finale with Discord, watched Discord get angry, got a book with Discord, and then started reading the book. She then read this sentence. After that, Pinkie Pie read about her day at Twilight’s castle. She read about the shenanigans that she and her friends would have over a mid-morning snack, which would culminate with a frenzy of whipped cream. After that, it became a contest of who could be the best Pinkie Pie. Besides Pinkie Pie herself of course. But, when it reminded Pinkie Pie of some of her lesser times, they would all come to her comfort. This would lead to Pinkie Pie to talk about her past. Truly, The Pinkie Parable was a story about Pinkie Pie after all. After that, Pinkie Pie stood up and placed The Pinkie Parable on the ground, not to look at it again. And with that, Pinkie Pie decided that she would go to the Castle, where she would meet with her friends. “Okay!” Pinkie Pie said, standing up with a cheerful grin. “Now that I know what all’s gunna happen… I’m gunna go to the Everfree Forest.” Yes! She would go to… Wait, I’m sorry? Pinkie Pie whirled around and started skipping toward the southern end of town, well away from Twilight’s Castle. Oh. For. The. Love. Of. Celestia. “La la la la la!” I just… I just… I really have no words. Why are you not going to Twilight’s Castle? Didn’t you just read the story? The story is over there! “Wellllll,” Pinkie Pie hummed, “actually, I don’t really wanna go there anymore.” Oh come on! I can’t believe after all of that you still refuse to go through with my story! “Well, I know what’s gunna happen over there now, so I kinda lost all of my interest in going over there.” ... I have no words. Pinkie Pie threw her head back and laughed. “Sooorry! But I’m gunna go play in the Everfree Forest for a while. La la la!” …I don’t. Okay, you know what? Fine. You go there. You go to the Everfree Forest and do whatever it is that you want to do in there. Please, take your time. “Oakie dokie lokie!” Pinkie Pie pronked along and along. She pronked along past Ponyville’s city limits, where house after house gave way to a solitary path through greened pastures. She pronked over a bridge over a creek, peering into the sparkling water flowing below. She pronked until she reached a wall of drooping trees and unkempt shrubbery. She pronked inside, following the dirt path as it snaked through the wood. As it traveled up hills and down into valleys, curved left and right, Pinkie Pie kept to it. Finally however the path disappeared entirely, leaving Pinkie Pie at the whim of low-hanging vines and whatever else lie in wait. Pinkie Pie continued along, unfazed. “Hey Mister Narrator!” she called. “You wanna describe this? That’s probably something you’re good at doing. Well do ya?” No. Pinkie Pie shrugged. “Suit yourself!” She continued on, crossing a shallow and calm river and prancing through the trees. The chirps of far off birds echoed off of the trees and here and there the pockets in the canopy amplified the sun’s rays, forming beams of light that touched the ground. Eventually, the trees themselves gave. A rope bridge spanned a deep gorge in front of her, swaying about in a light breeze. The terrain picked back up just after that and from there is form a straight shot to a new structure. Pinkie Pie looked up at the ruined structure. Several bricks were missing and several others had cracks running right through them. The remains of a tower sunbathed under a lonely tree while the rest of the castle pranced off in the opposite direction. A pair of wooden double doors guarded it all, stopping the dirt path in its tracks. …The Castle of the Two Sisters? You came here? Pinkie Pie giggled. “I guess I did!” Well that… certainly is a place to go. Out of all of the Everfree, you seemed to come straight here. “I guess I did! La la la!” I see. As Pinkie Pie approached the doorway, her hooves digging into the dirt, she looked up and down the late yet still magnificent structure ahead of her. To think that some long time before, she and her best friends had saved the world and in doing so had sparked the greatest friendship that Equestria had ever seen. Pinkie Pie smiled. “Yepperoni! Hey! You’re narrating again!” Yes, yes I am. Pinkie Pie climbed the steps and placed her hoof on the door but did not open, instead taking a moment to admire the oaken build, the immaculate brace design. “You got some pep in that step? Huh?” Yes, yes I have. Do you want to know why, Pinkie Pie? Pinkie Pie considered it. “Yeeeeeah. Why?” Because I am the narrator of the story. I am the narrator. And I am bathed in immense power! “Uh-huh…” And I’m going to prove it to you. I’m going to prove it. I hope you’re ready. As Pinkie Pie placed her hoof on the door’s handle to go inside, she remembered a crucial detail: the party was not at Twilight’s Castle. Rather, they had all agreed to meet up at the Castle of the Two Sisters, just to spice things up. Pinkie Pie frowned. “…What!?” And so, when Pinkie Pie opened the door into the large chamber, she found her five friends, engaged in a delightful little conversation that had happened to culminate in a round of laughter just as she arrived. The creaking door registered and all at once, the glanced over in her direction. “Oh hey!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed, leaping to her hooves. “Pinkie’s here.” Pinkie Pie gasped. “Ooooh, hi!” she said, trotting over toward them. Twilight Sparkle stood up and cantered over. “I’m glad you finally made it Pinkie. I was starting to get a little worried there.” “Darn tootin’,” Applejack agreed. “Usually you’re here quicker than we are.” Pinkie Pie blinked, considered the five of them, and then sighed. “…Okay Mister Narrator, you win this round.” “I think Spike’s just finishing up downstairs,” Twilight said. At that, the six of them moved into a nearby hallway like a singular pack. While Pinkie Pie drew the rear, she was as involved as any of in the small talk that they made as they went along. Most of it was about the previous few days and the small things. Rarity talked about Sweetie Belle’s latest attempt at cooking, shuddering all the while. And Fluttershy detailed her exploits in treating a bear and his cramped back. A staircase and another hall greeted them, the décor increasingly archaic, but thanks to their efforts, only had a thin layer of dust to show for it. They made their way into the once dining hall to find Spike practically dancing around the room’s circular table, setting up a half-dozen spreads around the center, which hosted four steaming pumpkin pies. As he finished, he looked up. “Oh, good. You all made it.” “Looks like we timed it perfectly,” Twilight replied. “You bet. Allll finished,” he said as he took off his apron and dusted his hands complete of debris. Applejack took a whiff of the provoking pumpkin aroma. “Hooo wheeee! That smells mighty good.” Spike laughed proudly as he dusted his hands off before he grabbed one of the pies. “Welp,” he announced, “I’m gunna go sit down with the new Spider Mare issue.” Twilight nodded. “You do that. Thanks.” With that, Spike took his pie and all but ran through the doors and down the hall. “He sure loves his comic books, does he not?” Rarity said with a chuckle as she sat down at the table. Fluttershy giggled as she took her own seat. “I think it’s really cute.” Twilight dug out some pieces of pie for herself and she shrugged. “Well, it’s helped us before, so…” The others hummed affirmatively as they all grabbed pieces for themselves. Rainbow Dash eyed the several cans of whipped cream in the center of the table. “Pass me some of that, would ya?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Here,” Twilight said, levitating the spray can over. Rainbow Dash scooped it out of the air and sprayed whipped cream onto the top of her cake. As a sizable mound formed, she took the can and looked it over. Her eyes drifted to Applejack, who sat next to her. In a single movement, Rainbow Dash leaned over and sprayed some whipped cream onto Applejack’s back. Applejack leapt several feet into the air. “Hey now!” Applejack cried. “Cut that out!” Rainbow Dash snickered in response and proceeded to unleash the entire can onto Applejack. “You varmit!” Applejack exclaimed as she swiped her hoof across the table, reaching for something. Her hoof fell on another one of the cans of whipped cream. “Two can play that game, Rainbow Dash!” she said before unleashing her own can at the pegasus. Rainbow Dash reeled backwards but not without laughing. As she did, she fell into Twilight. Twilight recoiled at that, and drew a line with her eyes back toward Applejack, who met her piercing gaze and buckled. She grinned and magically lifted another can of whipped cream. “Now I get it. This is why anypony would need that much whipped cream,” she said before unleashing a stream of white fluff at Applejack. Pinkie Pie jumped onto the table. “Whipped cream fight!” she exclaimed. As the four of them shot whipped cream at each other, Rarity ducked under the table and curled up into a ball, all the while yelling at how uncouth they were behaving. Fluttershy, meanwhile, looked on from behind a juice box, smiling like an entertained spectator all the while. Even after exhausting several cans, the four continued at each other with varied results. The whipped cream splattered onto everything but the pies themselves. But eventually the cans ran out and the four mares sat there, laughing between themselves. “See,” Twilight said, “it’s funny because the Pinkie Pie at Canterlot high had a bunch of whipped cream in her fridge.” Rarity reappeared from under the table with one eyebrow raised higher than the other. “Well, yes… that does… certainly sound like something Pinkie Pie would do…” “So we all channeled Pinkie Pie there for a second, huh?” Twilight said. Rainbow Dash chuckled. “I have an idea,” she said with a mischievous grin. “Let’s see who can be the best Pinkie Pie.” The other girls giggled in response. Even Pinkie Pie giggled. “Silly!” she exclaimed, pointing to herself “I’m the best Pinkie Pie! Because Pinkie Pie is Pinkie Pie!” “Second-best Pinkie Pie!” Twilight exclaimed. “Yeah, I guess. Second-best Pinkie.” “You do that,” Rarity said with a flat, unamused tone. “I’ll just watch.” “I don’t think I’d be very good at it…” Fluttershy said with a blush. “Just the three of us then?” Applejack asked. “That’s what it looks like,” Twilight said as she cantered over to Pinkie Pie. “And you… you’ll be our judge, right?” Pinkie Pie looked between the three of them as they looked back at her expectedly. She wasn’t sure how she felt having them try to do impressions of her. Could that really end well? Would it make her aware of habits of hers that she wasn’t proud of? The other three waited on her to respond. “Right?” Twilight asked with a big toothy grin across her face. Knowing she had to respond, Pinkie Pie considered it. A contest on who could capture her best. Twilight was asking her to essentially judge herself. Pinkie Pie smiled back… and punched Twilight Sparkle in the jaw, causing the mare to fall to the floor, unconscious. NO. The air roared in disapproval before the entire castle exploded in a flash of shards. Pieces of table and floor ripped away and vanished as the ponies around it, sitting equally motionless, disintegrated into piles of dust that blew away in an unseen wind. Everything around Pinkie Pie floated away into an eternally white void. Absent was the rest of Ponyville. Absent were the ponies within it. The report lasted for a long while as object after object disappeared, imploding out of existence. In the end, only Pinkie Pie remained. You… you… you… “Whaaat?” Now you’ve gone and done it! You’ve more than disobeyed; you directly contradicted what was set out for you! I told you: you had to obey the narrative to the letter! “Where am I?” You destroyed the entire world via narrative contradiction! You made it impossible for the story to happen! And look at what that’s done! I worked so hard on it! It took me a very long time just to put seven thousand and ten words together and you smote all of it in a single moment! You have… you really don’t care for my narrative, do you? Pinkie Pie snorted. “Well, maybe I didn’t like the story you had going for me!” I had a story! I had one! You might have even liked it! I don’t know. There’s no way to tell now because you’ve up and destroyed all of it! Oh… my story… It’s completely unusable. I can’t very well put the world back together… It’s all destroyed, all ruined. Well then Pinkie Pie… I suppose I’ll just have to leave you here. Since I can’t get you to do anything I ask and since rebuilding the world is out of the question, you’re stuck here. I really hope that this is what you wanted all along. Pinkie Pie shrugged. “Eh, I’m not worried. I’ll probably appear in whatever story gets accepted after this one.” She paused, and added, “I think...” …Yes, you tell yourself that. I’ve half the mind to never write you into any of my stories ever again. I’m certain you won’t give the next author any trouble at all. I impressed upon you the importance of following the story set out for you. I wrote that entire story just for you, Pinkie Pie, and you went and ran it into the ground. I’m appalled. I’m offended. I made all of this for you and this is how you repay me. Pinkie Pie smiled. “Don’t you worry your pretty little biscuits, Mister Narrator. You just need a little itsy-bitsy more practice! I’m sure you’ll come up with something really good!” She giggled. “And when that happens, I’ll be soooo there.” Whatever you say. I’m not really in the mood to hear any more of it. I’m afraid I have to leave you here. Goodbye, Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pie nodded. “Oakie dokie lokie! Byyyye!” And so Pinkie Pie remained in the void. With no one to talk to and nothing to interact there. She stayed there. At least, until the next story came along and sucked her up into it. Maybe it will be a Slice of Life. Or a mature clopfic. There’s no way of knowing now. The Pinkie Parable drew to a close, forever unfinished yet somehow finished. It finished as Pinkie Pie chose to follow a path far different from the one set out for her. And while she had her fun, there came a point that it went too far. Maybe someday, in some other story, Pinkie Pie will realize how important it is to sometimes follow the path set out for her. Author's Note Here at RQK publications we strive to deliver quality content, and therefore we must apologize for that massive deviation in this story and allowing it to reach such a destroyed state. We have full confidence in our narrators and as such, we fully intend to allow our narrator to attempt the story again at a more convenient time. Rest assured, Miss Pie is alive and well in her house at Sugar Cube Corner. The town of Ponyville remains intact as well. We have made sure of that. We are currently investigating the probable cause for Pinkie Pie's behavior during this narrative. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused, and we hope you enjoy the rest of your day.
