This is. The. Worst. Possible. Thing.
The Question
On the last page of the latest Power Ponies comic, Spike found an advertisement for a brand new series. It was just a sort-of cute series about a boy dressed as a boy, but this wasn't what caught his eye. The interesting thing about the advertisement was that the only text was a question at the bottom, written in very large, very flashy font:
“What is the Best Possible Thing?”
Tapping a tooth with his claw, Spike tried to think of an answer. What is the best possible thing? His mind turned first to a large pile of gems and his mouth watered. Then, it turned to his pony friends and he smiled. Then it turned to Rarity and his heart fluttered. Then it turned to everything and he got incredibly curious. What could be the best possible thing?
He had to find out. Running out of his room, Spike called down the corridors of the castle for Twilight.
It took some time to find her seeing as Twilight was on the lawn. Spike had forgotten that today was the Golden Oaks Memorial Give Away. The lawn all around the castle was covered with tents full of books and decorations that had more or less survived the destruction of the Golden Oaks Library. Since the new castle had sprouted with a full grown library, all the rest were being given away to the people of Ponyville. Spike finally caught Twilight as she was helping Mayor Mare decide on an office decoration.
“Sorry Mayor,” Twilight was saying, “but I don't think a talking large-mouth bass is going to inspire confidence in the citizens of Ponyville. Now, this constellation map of the southern skies is a much better choice. It will let everyone know that you study a variety of fields and enjoy the breadth of the universe.”
“But, the Trout constellation was burnt off!”
“You are really into fish, aren't you?” Twilight laughed. Spike tugged her tail, then shoved his comic in her face.
“Twilight. I'm trying to figure something out. Can you help me with this?”
Pushing the comic away so that her eyes could uncross, Twilight looked over the page.
“Spike,” she said. “You've already got enough comics. I told you: no more until winter, okay?”
“What? No, not the comic.” Spike pointed at the question on the bottom of the advertisement. “This. 'What is the best possible thing?' I've tried to think of an answer to it but I just can't. Every time I think of something, I always think of something else that's better. Sometimes, I'll even think that one thing is the best more than once, so I can't even be sure that some things AREN'T the best.”
“Oh, Spike. Is that all?” Twilight laughed. The mayor pressed a button on the large-mouth bass and it began to flop and sing a shanty. She was utterly delighted and took it while Twilight was still talking. “Of course you're going to keep changing your mind about what you think is the best possible thing. After all, it'll all depend on how you feel, whether you're hungry or tired, what you want to do, what you've been thinking about or talking about, whether its cold out or not. It's silly to even ask what the best possible thing is.”
“Oh! The best? I love talking about the best.”
Rainbow Dash flew through a tent of paper-mache paperbacks, sending them up in a whirlwind around Berry Punch, who had been sampling romances.
“So, what are we talking about being the best at?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Skywriting? Aerials stunts? Ground skimming obstacle courses? Who's wanting to try it? I could use a good race.”
“We're not talking about hot-dogging,” said Twilight. As she spoke, a hot dog vendor, who had been pulling up to them with a sample, sighed and turned away. “We're talking about the best possible thing.”
“Yeah yeah, apples to apples,” said Rainbow. “Best. Best possible. Same thing. It's all about who crosses the finish line first.”
“What is it that you're racing for?”
Rarity and Applejack walked past the debris from the paper mache paperbacks, having to step over Berry Punch as she fought her way out of a pile of highlander harlequins. Applejack pulled a cart filled with one large, ornate apple clock and every single one of the ragged curtains that survived the explosion, along with most of Twilight's destroyed wardrobe.
“Twilight doesn't think I can be the best at the best possible thing thing,” said Rainbow. “All I need is a course and a timer.”
“Ooh, are we racing? Where are we racing to? Is it a food race? I'll help bake the main course!”
Pinkie Pie leaped out of the wagon full of fabrics, draping Applejack in drapery and clocking Rarity with the apple clock. As she bounced around the group, Fluttershy quietly flew down, brushed a torn star-covered curtain from Applejack's eyes, unable to stifle a laugh.
“We are not racing,” said Twilight. “A race definitely isn't the best possible thing.”
“It is if I'm in it,” said Rainbow Dash, sulking.
“Best possible what now?” asked Applejack. Spike, who was making an ice pack for Rarity from one of his old blankets and a frost-covered copy of Snow by Proxy, held up his comic book.
“It's this, see?” he said. Everypony leaned forward to look at the advertisement.
“Oh,” said Pinkie. “I heard about this one. An odd-looking bird and a sparrow find a floating island and one of them is no longer naked! Honestly, the art is the best part.”
“Not the comic,” said Spike, pointing. “This. The question at the bottom: 'What is the best possible thing?' Every time I think of an answer, I think of something better. Some times, it's something I'd already thought of before. What's the best possible thing?”
Everyone tried to answer at once.
“Winning,” said Rainbow Dash.
“A good crop,” said Applejack.
“Parties,” shouted Pinkie.
“A perfect ensemble,” said Rarity.
“Sweet baby rabbits,” said Fluttershy.
“Hot dogs,” shouted the vendor. “Fresh hay hot dogs here! Best in Ponyville.”
“Uh, I don't think everyone's answer can be right,” said Spike. He looked to Twilight for help. She thought for a moment, then her eyes brightened.
“I've got it,” she said. “We each have our own opinion about what's best to us, but that's not what the question is. The question is 'what is the best possible thing.' To find that out, we have to be more objective.”
“What's our objective?” asked Applejack.
“'Objective.' It means we have to think of something that's the best without relying on our personal likes and dislikes. It has to be the best no matter who you are. And the only way to do that is... an argument!”
“I can't believe you'd say that,” shouted Pinkie, poking Twilight in the chest before rounding on Applejack. “And you, inspiring her to do something so horrible. An argument! It's awful. Her family will be ashamed. Rainbow, why didn't you stop her? I relied on you.” Clutching Rainbow's legs in a show of dismay, Pinkie asked Fluttershy in a whisper, “Is this a good argument? It works for the Cakes.”
“Not that kind of argument, Pinkie,” said Twilight, pulling a charred chalkboard from one of the tents. On one side, she made a column of numbers. “I mean an argument to prove, objectively, what each of us thinks is the best possible thing. This kind of argument isn't about shouting and blaming others. It's about listing your evidence and drawing a conclusion from the facts, a conclusion that doesn't rely on your own feelings or likes. Say someone asked me if Spike is a dragon. I'd say that he is. If they wanted objective proof, I could say he has claws, scales, breaths fire, and loves to eat gems.”
“And,” added Spike, “that he's one of the most ferocious, terrifying friends you have. Right?”
“Lame,” said Rainbow Dash. “That's just a research paper, Twilight. The only person who likes research papers is you.”
“It is not a research paper,” said Twilight vehemently. “It is... an investigation. Just like the one Derring Do had to undertake when she needed to learn who stole the Star of Gigyas.”
“Oh! It was Porco Poster, the Perpetual Traitor,” shouted, Rainbow Dash before she could quell her excitement.
“But,” said Twilight, “she wouldn't have known that without a good argument. Without proof. An argument is something everyone knows how to make, if they do anything successfully. It's like a blueprint to a barn, a design for a dress, a recipe for a cake, or a...” She paused, staring at Fluttershy for a long moment.
“Um,” said Fluttershy, “I think I got the idea.”
“Great,” shouted Twilight. “Then all we have to do is find the best argument for the best possible thing. I'm sure that'll be easy enough. So, who wants to go first?”
Pinkie took a large, deep breath.
On Modern Luxury
“I suppose I will make the first attempt,” said Rarity, stepping to the chalkboard. “I loathe arguments, but, if disagreements are necessary, I hope that I can negotiate a firm foundation we all may agree on.”
Twilight smiled, raising her piece of chalk. Pinkie Pie, crestfallen, sat with a whimper.
“Let's see now,” said Rarity. “The best possible thing. The best possible thing. I suppose it'd be too selfish to say the fall formal line that Whinny and Hitch put out last year. After all, blue doesn't fit every pony. So, the best possible thing must be the Whinny and Hitch fall formal line in every pony's life.”
“Come again,” said Applejack.
“What I mean is that the best possible thing for me is the W&H fall formal line. Since that won't fit every pony, the best possible thing must be that which, in every pony's life, is equal to the fall formal line for me. It is something which a pony can have or use or make which fits them perfectly in every way. Hmm, now that I think about it, the W&H fall formal line doesn't fit even me just right. I suppose that would probably be the ensemble I made around the fire heart that Spike gave to me. Nothing can ever fit me more perfectly.”
Spike hugged the copy of Snow by Proxy so hard that it cracked. Scratching the chalkboard with her chalk, Twilight said, “So, the best possible thing is something physical. A thing a pony can own or use or make.”
“Of course,” said Rarity. “Every pony has an ultimate dream or prize that they strive for. Applejack tries to have the best orchards. Rainbow Dash the greatest trophy. Pinkie Pie the best dessert. The best possible thing is whatever fulfills a pony the most.” Without interrupting, Twilight wrote down “fulfillment.” “It can be either something that a pony gives to the rest of the world, like my dresses and Twilight's books, or something in the world that a pony finds fulfillment in, like Rainbow Dash's competitions or Fluttershy's animals. Every pony is always trying to obtain something that is the best possible thing for them. So, the best possible thing must be, indeed, a thing, it must be possible, and it must be, for the pony, the best. Q.E.D.”
“Quite enough definitely,” said Rainbow Dash. “Figures you'd pick something like dresses as the best thing. Though, I don't think you're too far off about trophies.”
“She's right!”
From behind a cart full of globes, three fillies bounded. Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo.
“What are you fillies up to?” asked Applejack. “Have you been eavesdropping?”
“No,” said Apple Bloom. “We were trying to get our cutie marks in phoenix training.” A fierce bird cry sent the three hiding behind their big sisters. An orange burst raced past, melting Snow by Proxy in Spike's hands and setting the northern halves of the globes on fire.
When the flame had gone, Scootaloo laughed. “Peewee didn't appreciate our training method so much. I guess I was wrong about him liking snacks more if they're filled with black pepper.”
“But my sister is right,” said Sweetie Belle. “The best possible thing for any pony has to be something real. What good is anything else? The best possible thing is always something that every ponies can see.”
“Now Sweetie,” said Rarity. “You aren't just saying that because you want your cutie mark, are you? I don't want you to think that I'm trying to say that the best possible thing is whatever gets you the most praise and attention.”
“That's not what I mean,” said Sweetie Belle. “The best possible thing could be something only you know about it. Even if no one else knew about my cutie mark, it'd still be the best thing to me.”
“But,” said Apple Bloom, “it'd be even better if other ponies knew about it. So the really real really best possible thing WOULD be a cutie mark that other ponies knew about.”
“That's right,” said Scootaloo. “But it wouldn't be the best BECAUSE every pony saw it. It'd be the best because it's real. And because of what it means. Having a cutie mark means something. It makes you even better than, well, you.”
“Aren't you three focusing just a little too much on yourself?” asked Twilight. “After all, think about after you get your cutie marks. You'll have what you think is the best possible thing. Then what? Will it still be the best possible thing or will something else have to take its place?”
“Of course it'll still be the best,” said Apple Bloom.
“No way! It won't,” said Sweetie Belle.
“Kinda, I guess,” said Scootaloo.
The three fillies glared at each other.
“How can you two say that?” asked Apple Bloom. “Once you've got the best possible thing, it's still the best because it makes your whole life better. You can use it to make other ponies' lives better. It's still the best possible thing!”
“No,” said Sweetie Belle. “It isn't anymore. Now, whatever you use it for, you're using it to get something even better. It's like how bits are only good for what you use them for. They're the best thing when you earn them, but only because they let you get better things, like food or toys. That makes the new thing the best possible thing. Whatever it was before, a cutie mark or a talent or an idea, the best thing just becomes something to build off of.”
“But you wouldn't go anywhere new without it,” said Scootaloo. “You may be trying to get something or do something better than before, but you can only get there with whatever thing you were trying for first. That makes it still the best possible thing because it lets you go on to better things.”
By this point, the fillies were shouting over each other and using the word “thing” so often that it took on an almost musical beat that Pinkie bobbed her head to. Applejack and Rainbow Dash pulled their sisters apart. Rarity laid a hoof on Sweetie Belle to calm her down.
“I think you're all almost right,” Rarity said.
“Huh?” the three shouted.
“Well, just look at how each one of you has a different idea of what makes something the best possible thing. Every pony is going to have a different idea about what the best thing is. That means the best possible thing would be if every pony, everywhere, were able to have that thing which is, for them, the most fulfilling and useful. The best possible thing is, for every pony, all of the best things.”
Twilight finished writing 'best thing is all of the best things.” She cleared her throat.
“So,” she said. “The best thing is a real, physical thing. It's different for every pony. Therefore, the best possible thing can't be just one, single thing. The best possible thing would be for every pony, everywhere to have the most fulfilling, useful, satisfying, whatever thing for them. That right?”
“I believe that sums it up,” said Rarity.
“It's the best possible thing,” said Sweetie Belle.
“Hey,” said Scootaloo. “We're pretty good at arguing. Think we could try to get a cutie mark in arguments?”
“Wait, didn't we try that one?” asked Apple Bloom.
“What do you think, Spike?” Twilight turned to her assistant, who had finished using the soaking rag from his melted book to extinguish the globe fires. “Does that answer the question for you?”
“Well.” Spike said, “I think that... that's just too small.”
“Too small?” asked Applejack. “It's a whole world of stuff and it's too small?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
“Why do you say that, Spike?” asked Twilight.
“Oh,” cut in Pinkie. “Maybe Spike's thinking of how there could be other ponies on other planets with best things super different from us. So, the best possible thing would have to mean they had the best things in their lives too. Or, oh, maybe Spike thinks that Time Turner is right about how there's a whole kitchen full of other universes full of worlds that are also full of ponies. So if you want to have the best possible thing you have to make sure every pony on every world in every universe has the best of the best things always, forever!”
“That's not quite what I meant,” said Spike. “Rarity's right. There's always something on my mind that is, right then, the best possible thing. But when I get it, there's always another best thing to think of after that. So, I don't think that 'having' is the best possible thing, no matter what you have. Honestly, the thing I always see as best is the thing I don't have. It's the thing I want. It's almost like wanting is better than having.”
“I agree entirely, Spike.”
Surprised by Wanting
Everyone looked to Fluttershy.
“Wait a sec,” said Rainbow Dash. “You think wanting something is better than having it? That's, like, the opposite of best. That's the worst!”
“No. Wanting something you can't have or something that's bad is the worst. But wanting is a good thing.”
“What do you mean Fluttershy?” Twilight asked, flipping over the board. The rear side was covered in a doodle of Tirak stuck in a pool of smooze. Twilight quickly erased the drawing with a blush.
“Well,” Fluttershy went on, “it's hard to explain.”
“Try startin' with the easy part,” said Applejack.
“Every pony wants things. Sometimes, those things are real, physical things, like a book or some kind of food.”
“Hot dogs here,” shouted the vendor.
“Exactly,” said Fluttershy. “But not all the time. After all, sometimes the thing I want most in all the world is just the memory of my friends. That's not a physical thing; it isn't something anyone can see. So it can't be filling the same want as a physical thing would.”
“You lost me,” said Rainbow Dash.
“What I mean is this: not every want is the same. If I want a dandelion sandwich, it isn't the same sort of want as when I want to give Applejack a birthday present or watch you win at a race, Rainbow Dash. Some wants are physical, but I think those are the least important. So long as I have enough to keep me from being hungry or cold, that's all that matters. Some wants are more than that. They're... they're joy.”
“Joy?” the others all asked.
Rainbow Dash flopped to the ground, holding her head. “Now wanting is a joy? I can't keep up with you.”
“I can,” said Pinkie Pie. “It's just like how when I want a super-stuffed, double-decker, count-the-caramal-can-ya custard. All I can think about is how badly I want it. Sometimes I feel like I'll burst if I don't get some soon. But, I only feel that way because I KNOW that I can get some, because I know the super-stuffed, double-decker, count-the-caramel-can-ya custard is out there, just waiting for me. The joy isn't not having it; the joy is knowing I will and doing whatever I can to get it. Climbing every mountain. Crossing every ocean. Cleaning every dish in the house.”
Pinkie licked her lips, her eyes dreamy and far away as she mouthed the words, “custard.” Twilight, started to write “custard” on the board, then realized that what she was doing was silly.
“That's pretty close, I think,” said Fluttershy. “Wanting isn't the joy. The joy is knowing that there is something worth wanting. The best possible thing isn't a single thing for any pony. It's letting the things we want and do be only for the best. None of the individual things we have are the best. The wanting and the reasons we want one thing instead of another. Those are the best possible things.”
“With Fluttershy, I do agree. The best is what rises naturally.”
Zecora stepped around Twlight's old, mostly destroyed bed. On her back, she wore two bags filled with the remains of books.
“Oh. Zecora,” said Twilight. “Are you saying that the best thing is just whatever happens by chance?”
“Well that doesn't seem terribly fair,” said Rarity. “After all, if the best thing is random then there's hardly any reason to call it the 'best.' We may as well call it the 'worst' or the 'middling.'”
“The just-ok,” said Scootaloo.
“Custard,” said Pinkie.
“Random chance?” asked Zecora. “Not at all. I don't believe in a best so small. Naturally is not randomly. Natural is chosen by you, by her, by him, by me.”
“What do you mean?” said Twilight, raising her chalk.
“The world around includes you as well. This is, to me, its greatest tell. Because even if you do not control the wind and weather, you still change it, all together. Choices, choices, these make true the ideal chosen by me or you. The best thing is the ideal, because it alone improves what's real. Fluttershy, what do you think? Does my argument bear a chink?”
“I don't think so.”
Applejack removed her hat and said, “Wanting is the best possible thing because wanting is the way that things can be better than they are now. Is that about right?”
“I still say wanting something is lame,” said Rainbow Dash. “What good is wanting to win? You either win or you don't.”
“But how will you win, my pegasus friend, if you do not even want to begin?”
“Well, you'd, you know.”
Twilight's put down her chalk and said, “Ok. So we've said that the best possible thing is something real and physical, something you can have or use or make. We've said that the best possible thing is an ideal, it's the wanting. Spike, any of this seem to answer the question for you?”
“Huh? Oh, sure. I think Rarity and Fluttershy both have good answers.”
“But do either seem right?” asked Twilight.
After rolling and unrolling his comic while the others stared, waiting, Spike said, “Well, I just don't feel like either one can really be the best possible thing. One feels too small. The other too big. Sorry Fluttershy, Zecora. Saying that wanting or, what'd you call it Twilight?”
“The ideal,” said Twilight, proudly.
“Right, the idea. Saying the idea is the best possible thing feels like I'm stopping halfway. It doesn't feel like a real answer.”
“That's riiiight!”
Fun Theory
Twilight's chalkboard spun like a whirligig before Pinkie stopped it on a fresh, blank side.
“Pinkie,” Twilight shouted. “Why did you erase my lists?”
“I didn't erase your lists, silly-manilly. Here's the ideal.” Pinkie flipped the board to show Fluttershy's argument for wanting. “And here's the real.” She flipped it again to show Rarity's argument for having. “And here,” she flipped it again to a blank side. “is where the greatest, most spectacular argument that was ever shouted will be written. The argument.... for having!”
The others exchanged a quick look. Zecora said to Rarity, “I think, Rarity, that you are being scooped by Pinkie.”
“So, you agree with Rarity, Pinkie?” asked Twilight.
“Soooort of. But Rarity's idea of the best possible thing is too small, just like Spike said. The best possible thing isn't a single thing. But it also isn't wanting the right things like Fluttershy said. No no. The best possible thing is what I call, 'Pinkie's Maximum Fun Hypothesis.' Or P.M.F.H for short. Pumfah!”
“Pumfah?” said Applejack. “Sounds like Big Mac when Apple Bloom dropped that load of timber on his back.”
“Hey,” said Apple Bloom. “That was an accident.”
“Ok,” said Twilight, peeking around the back of her chalkboard, trying to figure out how it worked. “So, what's the maximum fun hypothesis, then?”
“Simple,” said Pinkie. “It is good to have fun, so it is best to always be feeling the most fun all the time every day no matter what. The Pumfah states that this is absolutely true because fun is fun and not fun is not fun, therefore, quid pro quo, yes or no, the best possible thing must be the maximizing of fun and the minimizing of not fun everywhere forever. Sothlice!”
“Pinkie,” asked Twilight, “do you know what a hypothesis is?”
“Gesundheit.”
“I think Pinkie's on to something,” said Rainbow Dash. “Everything is better if you're having fun, so the best possible thing should be fun.”
“But fun ain't always the most important thing,” said Applejack. “Sometimes, you have to stop having fun and start working.”
“Of course, worky-pants,” said Pinkie. “But if you have fun while working then its even better. Maximizing fun is always better, so maximum fun would be the best possible thing.”
“Well this certainly sounds like a heated discussion.”
With barely a sound, Princess Celestia alighted to the ground by Twilight's chalkboard.
“Princess Celestia,” said Twilight, ecstatic, giving a quick bow with the others before bounding to her mentor. “What brings you to Ponyville?”
“I wanted to see how the giveaway has been going. I noticed that they're also giving away some very enticing hay hot dogs. I'll have to try a few before he runs out. Now, what are you ponies talking about with so much excitement?”
“Having,” said the crusaders.
“Real and ideal,” said Zecora.
“Fun,” shouted Pinkie.
“They're trying to answer this question for me,” said Spike, showing the princess his comic book. She looked it over and smiled.
“Oh, well that seems like a simple enough question. Jailbird starts in the fall. I've preordered the first issue.”
“What? No, not the comic series. The question at the bottom: 'what is the best possible thing?' Rarity says that it's having the best possible real thing that you can. Fluttershy says it is wanting the best possible thing that you can. And Pinkie Pie....”
“It's having the most fun that you can,” said Pinkie, offering the princess a hotdog cake.
“What do you think, princess?” asked Twilight. On the board, she wrote “maximum fun” in as big letters as her board would allow.
“I think Pinkie Pie isn't far off the mark,” said Celestia. “We tend to think of fun as something we have at the expense of more important things. Like when we miss a class to play a game or have more cake even if we should be watching our weight.” The princess accepted a piece of hot dog cake from Pinkie and took a small bite. “But that isn't what 'fun' is. Fun is just a type of delight. It's our body's or our mind's way of recognizing the things that it likes. The things that we enjoy. Fun doesn't have to be separate from useful activities. In fact, the best possible thing would be if we could have both fun and use. Like Applejack. You enjoy caring for the apple orchards, isn't that right? Not just for the crop that you'll get, but you enjoy the work itself.”
“Sure do,” said Applejack. “There's not much of a better way to spend a spring afternoon than working with my brother and my sister, tending the fresh new trees, watching 'em take root and grow.”
“What about you, Rarity?” asked Celestia. “I'm sure all that designing and stitch work leads to some very cramped hooves. Is the only reason you do it for the dresses you'll make at the end, or do you enjoy the work itself?”
“I'll admit,” said Rarity, “there are some long nights that I spend in absolute anguish over a design, but even these nights have a flair of excitement in them that, well, I quite simply cannot find anywhere else.”
“See?” said Celestia. “Fun doesn't have to be separate from everything else in life. You're whole life can be fun. That's what I've always hoped for all my subjects. That each one has a chance to live a life that is, maybe not always perfect, at least always worth enjoying.”
“And the best possible thing for that is fun,” said Pinkie, leaning over the cake, both hooves shoved two layers into its frosting. “Maximum fun.”
Twilight underlined “maximum fun” several times on her chalkboard. Turning to Spike, she asked, “What do you think? That a good answer?”
“Of course,” said Spike. “That sounds like the best answer. I mean, I can't think of anything that would be better without fun. That has to be the best possible thing, right? Whatever is great, it can always be better if it's fun. So maximum fun means maximum, um, best thingness.”
“You sure about that, Spike?”
Beyond Good and Bad Stuff
Pinkie gasped at Applejack's question.
“Applejack,” she shouted. “Fun traitor. Fun traitor!”
“Now, I ain't saying fun is bad. But I say it's right silly to call it the best possible thing. After all, why not say maximum surprise is the best possible thing? Surprise makes everything better too when you can enjoy something for the first time over and over again.”
“I don't think I agree,” said Fluttershy.
“Fun's fun, sure,” went on Applejack. “And if the whole world had as much fun in it as it could hold, I reckon I'd like it just fine, much as anypony. But that doesn't make it the best possible thing.”
“Then, what is the best possible thing?” asked Spike.
“It ain't a something. It's a someone.” said Applejack. “The best possible thing'd be the best pony that ever lived.”
“Isn't that a bit, well, limited?” asked Rarity. “Not to mention dangerous. Marking a single pony the absolute pinnacle of everything. I think it would either make everyone else jealous or lazy.”
“I don't think so,” said Applejack. “Because the best pony isn't the best by being the fastest or strongest or fanciest. By being something worth envying.”
“I'm pretty sure I'd at least be in the running for those,” said Rainbow.
“The best pony would be the one that's done the most good for Equestria. For the whole world. Even if others didn't know about what they'd done, the best possible thing is the pony most responsible for making the world as good as it can be. For allowing maximum fun, surprise, use, ideals, whatever. After all, whatever good is in the world comes from ponies or at least from others like ponies. Just like Zecora said. It comes from ponies choosing to make the world. So the best would be whoever or whatever brought the most improvement into the world. Whoever made it the best that it can be.”
“The Honest and Dutiful Applejack is absolutely right!”
A burst of smoke and light detonated a barrel of Owlysius' old scarves, sending shredded rags fluttering over everypony in the area and throwing Pinkie's cake against Celestia's face. Everyone coughed and waved away the thick smoke until they could see again. When the air cleared, Trixie stood on the hot dog vendor's cart, the vendor with his hoof still inside the cart under her.
“Hot dog?” he asked, shyly.
“Trixie will take two, please. No mustard.” Stepping down from the cart, Trixie walked to Twilight's board. She gave Twilight a mischievous glare. “Twilight Sparkle.”
Twilight returned the look. “Trixie.”
For a moment, the two were in a silent stare-off. Trixie's horn glowed.
She lifted the half-burned constellation map that the mayor had turned down.
“This will go nicely on Trixie's wagon,” she said. “Especially since the trout constellation has been burned off. Trixie isn't a fan of trouts. How much?”
“Oh,” said Twilight, cheerfully. “This is a giveaway. Everything's free!”
“Free? Wonderful.” Trixie hugged the rolled up map in delight. “Anywho, I was walking by and couldn't help overhearing your cute little discussion. You want to know about the best possible thing? Well, Trixie can certainly tell you about that.”
“Let me guess,” said Rainbow Dash. “You're going to say it's you, right?”
“What? Of course not. The Great and Humble Trixie knows that she is not the best pony to have ever lived. Not quite. But she knows who is.”
“Who?” asked the others, leaning forward.
“Why, right in front of you.” She pointed at Princess Celestia, whose face was white with frosting. “Princess Celestia, of course.”
“Me?” the princess asked, wiping her lips. “I'm flatter, Trixie, but I would hardly call myself the best possible thing.”
“But aren't you responsible for the state of Equestria?” asked Trixie. “The peace all ponies enjoy? Aren't you most responsible for the most amount of good in the world right now?”
“Not at all,” said Celestia. “So many other ponies were necessary for all the good that's happened all over the world. Twilight Sparkle herself has helped whole cities and kingdoms grow, even before becoming an alicorn.”
“But who made that possible for her?” asked Trixie. “You. Without you, Twilight would never have even managed to teach me about friendship, let alone save kingdoms. Even the way you refuse to accept your claim to 'the best' is part of what makes you the best. When Trixie said she was the best, it only made her worse. You acknowledge your limits, and that makes you better. Can you tell me any other pony who has done more to make the world better?”
“I'd rather not have to,” said Celestia, looking around for help.
“Do you agree, Applejack?” asked Trixie.
Applejack removed her hat, scratching her head.
“Well.” She shook her head. “Nah, don't think I do.”
“But,” said Trixie, “can you think of anypony who has done more than Princess Celestia?”
“No, I can't. That doesn't mean, though, that I can't think of a pony that could do more than her. We're not looking for the best thing up to now. We're looking for the best POSSIBLE thing. The best possible pony could be one who lives years from now. They could be the pony that makes the whole world as absolutely right as it can be. Not just good. Perfect.”
“But there may never be such a pony,” said Fluttershy.
“Doesn't matter,” said Applejack. “The best possible thing would still be such a pony. A pony that goes beyond what us normal folk do to make the world better. A... I don't know a good word for it.”
“A super pony,” shouted Apple Bloom.
“An uber-equine,” said Rarity.
“A transpony,” said Twilight. “Maybe a pony singularity. No, that doesn't work. Equus superior?”
“Whatever you want to call it,” said Applejack, “the best possible thing would be the perfect pony. A pony most capable of making everything best for everyone. See, that way everyone else wins too. That super uber transy-what's-it pony you call it, would make it possible for every pony to want the best, to have the best, and to have the most fun enjoying it. That's as good as it gets, I think.”
Twilight flipped her board and found a fourth side bearing a drawing of a power pony with its cape fluttering in a breeze. She glared at Pinkie who whistled and shuffled behind Fluttershy.
“Spike,” said Twilight. “How's that sound?”
“A little scary, honestly,” said Spike. “It's hard to imagine anyone, pony or dragon or whatever, that big. I almost feel like I shouldn't. But Applejack's right. I can't think of a better thing than somepony like THAT.”
“Well I can!”
On the Origin of Strength
Rainbow Dash slammed down beside Twilight's chalkboard, sending into a crazy spin until it halted on a blank side. Twilight was left covered in chalk dust.
“Let me guess,” said Applejack. “You think winning is the best possible thing?”
“No,” said Rainbow Dash, belligerent. “It's just the best for me. The best possible thing is being able to win.”
“Uh-huh,” said Applejack.
“Is there a difference?” asked Fluttershy.
“Of course. A big difference. You know, every one of you talks about how the best possible thing is something that makes the whole world even better than it already is. Having something good. Wanting something good. Being someone good. Whatever Pinkie's crazy theory was called.”
“Pumfah!” said Pinkie.
“Right,” said Rainbow Dash. “But, see, all of you think that everything needs to be better. That the best thing is one thing or the other that makes it all better. So, why don't you cut straight to the point? The best possible thing is the power to make everything better. You can always find a way to make the world a little better. The best thing is to be strong enough to do it. Or smart enough. Or tough enough. Whatever. To be the best, you have to be better at making everything better than the world is at not letting you.”
“Haha! I couldn't agree more, Rainbow Dash.”
“Huh?” Rainbow Dash looked around for the source of this new voice. She didn't see Discord's head emerge from her mane. He pulled himself out, shaking off multi-colored hairs as he alighted on Twilight's chalkboard.
“Discord,” Fluttershy said, cheerfully as she flitted to her friend. “I'm glad you found time to come. Twilight had the most wonderful tea set and it’s only a little messed up.”
“Great minds think alike Fluttershy. I was just getting cozy with those tea cups.” As he spoke, a line of cups and a kettle came marching down the road to Fluttershy. They poured her a drink into one of the cups which offered its lip to her. Laughing, she leaned to take a sip but some of the tea leaked onto her hooves through a hairline crack. The cup blushed as Discord tisked. “Dear me, still not house broken. Or rather, too house broken.”
“Wait a second,” said Rainbow Dash. “You think the best possible thing is being strong enough to make the world better? I figured you'd think the best thing is doing everything you can to make it worse.”
“Rainbow, I'm appalled you'd say such a thing,” said Discord, plucking a hair from Twilight's mane (causing her to yelp in surprise) which he used to fill the tea cup's crack. “Do you honestly think I spread chaos because it is worse than order?”
The ponies pawed the ground or scratched at their manes as they all adamantly avoided the question.
“I'll have you know,” said Discord, “that I fully agree with you. In fact, I like to think of myself as living proof of what you're saying. The best possible thing is what you make it. If you ever do anything at all to change even a small part of the world, you have to be strong enough to make that change yourself. It may be as small as flipping a chalkboard or as big as blowing up a library.” Discord snapped his fingers, causing the chalkboard to flip and reveal a drawing of the Golden Oaks library detonating. “You may have to convince others to help you or you may do it alone. But whatever change you cause, you have to be capable of doing it. Quite simply, strength is the best thing because it allows you to make the world.”
“That doesn't sound fun at all,” said Pinkie. “What if you're a strong big meanie? Like you were before Fluttershy became your friend?”
“What if I was?” said Discord, crossing his arms, legs, and tail. “It only proves my point. I was strong enough to make the world better my way. You six were strong enough to make the world better your way. Fluttershy was strong enough to make the world better for all of us. The best possible thing is the power to make everything just how you want it. Isn't that right, Rainbow Dash?”
“Well, I can't think of a better answer,” said Rainbow.
Twilight gave up on her multi-sided chalkboard and said, “Well, Spike, what do you think? Everybody's given their answer. Do any of them fit for you?”
“Not every has, Twilight,” he said.
“Huh?” She looked around. “Who's left?”
Spike pointed. “You.”
The Greatest Show on Equestria
“Me?” Twilight asked.
“Yeah, Twilight,” said Spike. “You still haven't said what you think the best possible thing is. Come on. What do you think?”
The others waited. Twilight tapped her chalk against the board.
“I just don't know,” she said. “It's a hard question. I don't know if you can give a right answer to it.”
“You might as well try, darling,” said Rarity. “Besides, this is the Golden Oak Give Away. And what I'd like to take from the grand old library is whatever you think is the best.”
“Yeah,” said the rest, gathering closer to listen.
“Ok. Well.” Twilight put down her chalk. “I don't think there is such a thing as the best possible thing.”
A chorus of “aww” came from the others. Rainbow Dash said, “That's such a cop-out, Twilight.”
“I don't think so,” said Twilight. “Look at all the answers each of you have given. Each one is different, sure, but they're all similar too. It's like everyone is... is dancing around something but I don't know if that something is anything at all.”
“You lost me,” said Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy.
“Ok.” Twilight's horn glowed as she lifted her chalk and began to use it to draw in the air, with streams of light and dust, a pair of ponies, swaying together, cheek to cheek. “Think of a dance. You and another pony move together. The two of you make the dance. You both decide what it will be. But, you aren't the only ones in the dance.”
Dashing the chalk across the air, she drew dozens of couples, swaying in similar but slightly different dances, the original pair only a part of the crowd.
“Because others are dancing around you,” said Twilight. “Each one of them is making their own dance, dancing their own way. You may all be dancing to a choreographer, someone who leads the whole dance and knows how it is supposed to go, but just as likely you're only dancing to music. In that case, each pony and each group choose their own way to move. No two pairs of ponies are dancing together but all of them are part of the same dance, moving around each other as if it were planned even though it wasn't. In other words, every pony is dancing alone but also with every other pony in the room. Now, let's go bigger.”
She collapsed the cloud of light and dust to a small circle and surrounded it with other ponies, no longer dancing but walking, running, flying, selling, reading, working, sleeping.
“The rest of the world's part of the same movement with you. Whether they're dancing or not, they are dancing. Because all the motions are together. They all happen in the real world. They're all real. And not just in Equestria.” She collapsed the image of all the ponies to a small circle and surrounded it with animals, dragons, beasts, and other species. “Everything is part of the same movement. Everything that is really happen is just as real as the dance. When Angel Bunny eats a carrot, it's as real as when Discord turns a mountain into a mole hill. But the thing is,” she circled her now rather large image of the world, “there's no center to it all. We think there is because we only see from our little part of the dance, but when we look on it all from outside, we see that there's no focus to it. The dance of everything is without a leader. There's no center anywhere.”
So saying, Twilight collapsed the dust and light together and it burst into a starry shower around them.
“I can say what is good,” said Twilight. “And I can even say what is better. I can say with certainty when something is bad or wrong. I can't say what the best possible thing is. That's something I just don't know right now.”
None of the others spoke at first. Some were still looking at the empty space where Twilight's illustration had been. Nervously, Twilight asked, “Does that make sense? Spike?”
Spike looked at his comic and then at his friend. He smiled.
“Eh, close enough I guess.”
“But what about when something goes wrong?”
The Problem of Bad Things
Everyone turned, surprised as a dappled gray pony joined them. Her eyes, though unfocused, were fixed on where Twilight's drawing had been. She bore two mail bags on her back, almost covering her bubble cutie mark.
“When something goes wrong?” Twilight asked.
“Yeah,” the mail pony asked. “Like when bad things happen. If bad stuff still happens, can anything be the best possible thing? Seems like the best possible thing would mean nothing bad ever happens. Right?”
“Bad stuff does happen,” said Rainbow Dash. “So it’s best to be strong enough to beat it back. If nothing bad ever happens... well, I guess it'd just be good to still be strong enough for if it did.”
“Course bad things happen,” said Applejack. “That's the sort of thing that makes the best possible pony the best. They're the one who fixes the most things in the best way.”
“No one likes it, but bad stuff always comes up,” said Pinkie. “But if you're having fun, then nothing bad can get you down. The worse things get, the more fun you have to show that bad stuff that it can't rain on you donuts.”
“Bad things are part of nature,” said Fluttershy. “No one can control good and bad perfectly. Being able to accept both and make the best of either, that's the best you can do.”
“We all have disappointments, mistakes, and scary moments,” said Rarity. “Which is why it's important to know what the best things are for the job. To use our best tools to fix any problem.”
“I don't know,” said Twilight. “Something bad is always as real as something good. Can you put a number to either one of them? Especially when bad for someone may be good for someone else? I don't know.”
The mail pony blinked at each one of them. Spike, eager to help, said, “Maybe the answer's somewhere in the middle?”
“I don't think so,” said the mail pony. “Either something is true or not. So meeting in the middle doesn't mean you're right. It just means that you feel good about yourself. But anyway, I've got a letter for Twilight Sparkle. Here you go.” She dug through her bags and pulled out a letter between her teeth. She turned to Applejack and waited for her to take it.
“Uh, thanks,” said Applejack, taking the envelope.
“You are welcome,” said the pony, cheerfully flying off.
“Here.” Applejack passed the letter to Twilight. She opened it and pulled out a leaf of paper. After scanning the page, she laughed.
“What is it, Twilight?” asked Spike.
“It's a letter from Moon Dancer. ’Thanks for the book on saddle apologetics. You know how much I love the classics. A cold may be the worst possible thing, but that only means a good book to get you through it is the best. Especially one from a friend.'”
“Well,” said Celestia, “I think that sums up the argument quite-”
“'By the way,'” went on Twilight. “'Your annotations about the philology of saddle terms are completely wrong. Did you write this when you were in magic kindergarten? You honestly think the popularity of near eastern saddles came about because of a choice of the word they use to refer to stir-ups? Twilight, when I get better I am going to give you a huge lecture on saddle history. You obviously have not read Kanter's Critique of Poor Reason nor Bucking's Kinda New Method. Get ready for a long long talking to. Thanks again, Moon Dancer.'”
She lowered the paper.
“This is bad,” she said.
“Is it the worst possible thing?” asked Rarity.
“No. Just bad.”
