A Day of Not Giving a F*ck

by Caffeinated Pinkie

Rating: mature
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Romance, Maud Pie, Random, Human, Main 6
Length: 1070

Some days you just have to stop giving a fuck. Today is one of those days for Sam Dubs. Today Sam will not give a single fuck, no matter what happens.

Today, Sam Dubs just doesn't give a fuck. He didn't give a fuck when he ran out of milk. He didn't give a fuck when someone placed an empty box of Oreos in his pantry. He didn't give a fuck when a giant portal tore a hole in the dimensional barriers in his living room. He would have been content to just continue watching TV, but unfortunately the portal didn't give a fuck about his wants and sucked him in anyways. Now going by the name of Vortex, he gets to not give a fuck in Equestria either.

Alternate Title: How to get over writer's block with really stupid story ideas.

(Strong Language)

Published 2015-08-28 04:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-28 04:20:01 UTC

Whatever

"...and that's why gophers really like electromagnetic photon rays. Like, in a weird way. Really weird." Sam Dubs, our soon to be hero, sat on a red couch devoid of any and all objects he could give a fuck about.

FWOOSH! A giant swirling mass of dark energy appeared in front of Sam, partially blocking his view of the television.

"Whatever," he spoke in the most energetic of monotones. It was only covering a portion of the screen and it's not like he gave a fuck about the program anyways. The hole in the fabric of reality grew larger still and began to devour any objects too close to it.

"...toothbrushes make great low-carb and low gravity meals. It can also cause slight side effects like choking, hemorrhoids, slow, agonizing deaths..." An unrelenting high-pitched noise droned out the TV's nonsensical words as it began to absorb the light from the room and eat away at the dark matter holding the universe together. It wouldn't be long before all life in the known universe was wiped from existence. But our narrative focus continued to watch the unintelligent and inaudible ramblings of the media.

BLUUURRRRGGGG! The object of great importance that should definitely not be ignored grew almost double in size along with its gravitational pull immensely increasing. Sam Dubs continued ignoring it even as he was starting to be pulled into the black hole. Time started to slow down in it's general vicinity and objects all around began to stretch unnaturally. By now, many of the major governments in the world were alerted to the ever growing size of the threat and were already sending billions of dollars of equipment to the site to save humanity.

Within a few milliseconds to the outside world and many hours of playing mobile games to Sam, he was dragged into the tear in the universe.

—

With a dull thud, Sam Dubs was plopped onto a crystal throne. What would be never known to him, seeing as he would never bother to find out, was that he was now in the well-known Castle of Friendship. Currently staring at him were six frightened miniature horses. These strange creatures are known by their scientific nomenclature as Adorableus Ponius or more commonly ponies. Other socially acceptable terms include, but are not limited to: Tiny pastel horses, my little ponies, best pony, and on rare occasion diabetes monsters. Of course the human would never know nor care enough to learn this.

Some of the ponies attempted to address the human in the room, but found themselves too confused on what exactly happened to form coherent thoughts. After a few minutes though, Sam's phone tragically ran out of magical energy stuff so he had to put it away. Now, without any electronic devices to do nothing productive on, he was forced to address the ponies in the room.

Placing his legs upon the crystal table, Sam turned his head towards the ponies currently gawking at him. Thinking out a very intelligent and well-worded response, he greeted them, "Anyone got some cards?"

"I got some, Vortex!" A vibrantly pink mare ecstatically claimed, waving a deck of cards around in her hooves.

At that moment, the lavender mare across the table decided to speak. "Uh, excuse me, but who and... what are you?"

Before the human could answer, a blur of blue flew across the table and pressed her muzzle into Vortex's face. "Yeah! What are you, an assassin?!" The pony who Vortex totally knew was called Rainbow Dash began throwing punches in the air. "Cause I'll beat up your assassin ass before you can say 'Rainbow'!" An orange pony with a stetson pulled Dash back by the tail and began scolding her as Twilight made sure the new creature before her wasn't offended.

"All in." Luckily for her, Vortex didn't seem to notice and was instead playing a game of cards with Pinkie. With a smirk, Pinkie pushed in all of her chips as she matched him. "Four aces," the human said ~~in victory~~ not giving a fuck.

Pinkie also turned over her cards to see a full set of aces. "Ooh, I thought I had all twos!" She broke down into a fit of giggles with snorts mixed in.

Suddenly, a dull grey and purple mare with a rock cutie mark casually trotted into the room.

"My 'monotone sense' was tingling. Where is the one of great monotonous?" Asked a dull female voice that was certainly not giving a single fuck. Without the ponies answering, though, she saw the human and instantly knew that this was the one that she gave zero less fucks about than the complete lack of fucks she gave the other ponies in the room. As they locked eyes, each of them knew they were probably ok for hanging out with. Of course, Vortex knew for a fact that this mare he was seeing was one that he would probably like just as much as any other pony in the room. The dullness of it didn't affect the ponies in the room at all as they watched the human and pony watch each other without giving a fuck.

Without a single care in the world, the human turned into a grey pony with a boring mane and hair style that he didn't care enough to change. He walked over to Maud Pie and they both trotted out of the room without a word.

A marshmallow promptly woke up from her induced fainting as the door slammed shut. "What happened?"

"I rightly don't got a clue," murmured the same orange pony from before, shaking her head.

Both Maud and Vortex gave at least one fuck late into the night.

Author's Note

Just started: Sam Dubs just didn't give enough fucks to describe what he looks liked. Who needs to explain the name Vortex when you have convenient Pinkie Pie narration to cover up plot-holes?

Halfway through: This story was mainly to get over writer's block and to get out some of my nonsensical randomness that I can't put into my other stories. :moustache:

Once I finished: What did I... I just... What is this?!

Also, did you notice anything about the name? I'll leave it at that.

[8/25/2017] Fixed grammatical shit. Also, since no one figured out the name, I'll just put it here. Sam Dubs can be rearranged to spell Dumbass.