(Big) Mac and Me

by pjabrony

Rating: mature
Tags: Human, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sex, Big Macintosh, Random
Length: 4034

Big Macintosh has a secret fetish for humans, but things begin spiralling downwards rapidly.

Big Macintosh is the kind of pony who loves humans. Really loves them. So when he travels to Earth and meets one who wants him as much as he wants them, it's a dream come true, right? Wrong! It's a fanfic come true! A fanfic written by Applejack! When Big Mac finds out, his reaction is. . . quite predictable for a mature-rated story.

Warnings: inter-species clopping, incest.

Published 2012-06-01 17:54:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-06-01 17:54:01 UTC

Chapter 11

"It was a beautiful day in Ponyville, which is where I lived. My name is Big Macintosh. Normally, I spend my days out in the orchard, planting apple trees, harvesting apples off the trees, and. . . that’s pretty much it. But I have a guilty pleasure that I spend my off hours on. Secretly, I’m a humare.

That’s our word for ponies who like humans. Of course, if you’re reading this, you probably know that, since you’re most likely a humare too, but maybe you’re new to the fandom. And yes, humare covers both sexes, though there are a few who like to be called pers-talli-ons.

Anyway, there I was, out in the field, wishing that my day would be over so that I could go read more thrilling human tales, when up against a tree, I saw a hand! And it was attached to an arm! It looked like it was reaching for something, but then it turned and the fingers started to move. Slowly toward me, and then quickly back. A pony might do that if he was calling another pony to come to him, so I approached it cautiously. I could see that it was coming out of some weird, glowing circle. When I got close enough, it reached out for my shoulder, and another one came out of the portal and grabbed me too. They pulled and pulled, and I was dragged through.

When I looked around, I was stunned. Everything was so different. All the trees were gone, and the room I was in had so many straight lines! But I didn’t pay much attention to that, because of the human standing there.

She was just a background human, that didn’t have an official name or a speaking role. The humares called her “Susan,” but the first toy of her was labeled “Collins.” Then the production company shouted out the humares by changing it to “Susan Collins.” She was a favorite among some parts of the fandom because of a picture of her on all fours, which had developed into this idea that she liked ponies and wanted to be a pony or meet a pony.

See, the joke was that while lots of humares wish humans were real, she was a fictional character who wished ponies were real.

But now she was real! And I was in her house! She smiled at me and said, “Welcome to Humanville!”

“Is this really Humanville? I’m in Personia? But how?”

“I used my technology powers to transport a pony across the dimensions. I want to know all about you and your culture. I’m just fascinated by it!”

I couldn’t believe my luck. All the ponies in the world, and she picked me to be the ambassador.

And of course she was wearing clothes! Not just a dress train, but a suit that covered her whole body. Maybe, if I stayed in Personia, I could wear some too.

“I want to know about you, too,” I said. “Is music really your talent?”

“Oh, yeah, but I use my technology to play it.” She held up a small object that shone out with fancy colors when she pushed a button. A real button that made technology! She moved some of the colored lights, and music played. This was better than a dream.

“And do you really live here with Sherry?” Sherry was another background human, and she never got a last name.

“I do. She’s always getting on me, saying things like, ‘Are you still dreaming about ponies? They’re not real, and you’re too old for stuff like that!’ Wait till she sees that I actually met one.”

“Ee-yup,” I said. I was already getting tongue-tied. I’m normally very shy by nature. She could sense my unease and came up next to me. She put her hand around my neck.

“Hey, don’t worry, OK? I like you a lot. In fact, I want us to be close friends.” Then she kissed me on the muzzle. “Really close,” she said.

I started getting warm. She kissed me again, and I felt myself starting to get aroused. Yeah, I know, I’m sick for clopping to humans. Although, we call it “fapping” because that’s the sound they make.

But, as abnormal as it may sound to you, instead of a fine haunch, I’d rather look at a human girl’s boob. Especially if, as hers were, it was draped in fabric. As I nuzzled and rubbed my head against them, I could feel another layer of clothing beneath her torso cover. It was a tighter cloth that was only on her boobs. She must have known that I would be into that, since she put on two layers. I hoped I could spend a lot of time with her, and convince her to keep wearing more. There were always higher numbers, after all.

I kissed her gently, and her tiny tongue slipped into my mouth. I sucked on it, and I could tell that I was turning her on. I switched to kneading her boobs with my front hooves, and my cock was extending out below me. She threw her arms around my neck and started massaging me with her fingers. I wondered what it would feel like to have those fingers around my cock, and that turned me on even more.

“Susan?” I said.

“Yes, Big Mac?”

“Are you sure you want to do this? I mean, there must be lots of human men you’re interested in.”

“Not really,” she said. “They’re all mean or stupid, not nice like you. And their dicks are tiny. I can see why they call you Big Mac.”

“Naw, that’s just my name. Hey, what does ‘Susan Collins’ mean, anyway?”

“Absolutely nothing.”

I looked right into her eyes. “That is so bucking hot,” I said.

She laughed, and then turned around. That’s the other great thing about humans. They don’t have tails, so I could see her ass without anything getting in the way. She rubbed it next to me, then started taking off her skirt. That disappointed me a little, but she had more clothes on underneath again!

The underclothes she was wearing were just a tiny piece of fabric that covered her waist. As she stood there, her pussy was pointed down. But when she bent over, I could see how her juices had soaked into the cloth, making a stain that was spreading as she kept rubbing me. Oh, if mares at home only wore cloths over their pussies, I could see this all the time.

Wordlessly, we agreed that we’d had enough foreplay. She leaned over her bed and took down the cloth, showing me her pussy glistening with wetness. I could see how tight it would be if I could be inside.

But that might be a problem. “Susan,” I said. “I’m afraid that I’m too big for you.”

“Oh, that’s no problem. I’ll just use technology.” She pushed a button, and I felt my cock being drawn to her. After rubbing it on her lips to lubricate the head, I slipped inside her and plunged it in all the way.

It was as tight as I could have hoped for. She gripped me much tighter than I ever could when I was clopping myself off. She pumped her hips along with me and it felt great.

We positioned ourselves so that she was leaning over the bed and I was behind her. With my hooves, I reached underneath and played with her boobs some more. When I let go, they would jiggle and flap underneath, which was very sexy.

Between the rhythm of our hips and just the thrill of bucking a human, I quickly came to the edge. I tried to hold off, but her moaning and screaming was too much. I came inside her, and because her pussy was so small, it gushed out and coated my cock.

Susan was still energetic and kept pushing backwards onto me as I softened. When we finally came to a halt, I leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek. “Oh, Big Mac,” she said. “It was just like I’ve dreamed.”

“Ee-yup,” I said. “I enjoyed it too. But I’m sorry you didn’t get to cum too.”

“Don’t worry too much about it. Girls don’t have to cum to enjoy sex,” she lied. “But if you’re really concerned about it, and you want to do it again. . . “

“Susan, I’d love to, but I need some time to recover.”

“Don’t worry about that. I’ll just use technology to restore you.”

She flipped a switch, and I felt myself getting hard again. I could really get used to living in a world of technology!

She turned to me and said, “Let’s do it human style.”

“How’s that, then?”

“I’ll show you.”

She stretched out on the bed. Her bulging boobs spread over her chest and looked even bigger. I could see all of her beautifully hairless skin. Her mane, rather than falling behind her, encircled her head like a halo.

“Sit down astride me,” she said, “and put it in.”

“But I’ll hurt you.”

“No, you won’t. It feels good for a human girl to let her man be on top.”

I laid my front hooves on either side of her head. Even though her technology was accommodating our difference in sizes, it was still a bit of an awkward position. I really don’t know how human men do it.

She smiled at me as I entered her. She was still warm and tight around me. I hoped that I didn’t stretch her or do damage to her insides. Her pussy was too perfect to mar.

Positioned as we were, she was in less of a position to help, but I didn’t mind. Controlling all the rhythm, I was able to thrust and pull out at my own pace. That not only let me find out what turned her on the most, but let me slow down when I felt I was getting too close to finishing.

I could feel her coming close to the edge. She had her fingers dug into the sheets of the bed, but then she threw her arms around my neck. That made me redouble my efforts and thrust faster and harder.

“Oh, Big Mac!” she cried. “Oh, Big Mac! Oh, God!”

I didn’t know who that other person was, but I wasn’t going to let it ruin our time together. She tensed below me and I felt her cum. She broke out in a sweat and kept crying with pleasure. The way her skin glistened without any fur to absorb the moisture was stunningly beautiful.

I bucked faster and harder and soon I was shooting my load into her. Still fearful of her safety, I rolled to the side before collapsing into her arms.

I was ready to pass out, but I heard Susan get up and turn on the shower. I stood up and took some deep breaths to help clear my head. With my muscles still feeling weak, I trotted into the bathroom and saw her behind the curtain. She felt my presence and peeked out. We smiled at each other.

“I don’t really think we’ll fit in here together,” she said, “but if you’ll give me a moment to rinse off, you can take it and I’ll scrub you down."

When she stepped out, the way she shone and with her hair slicked back almost made me ready for a round three. Instead, I stepped in the shower and we talked about our relationship.

"So, I know that you'll have to go back to Equestria," she said. "But I hope you'll be able to come back."

"Any time you want," I said.

"Won't other ponies be worried about you if you're disappearing though? Your family?"

"I'll make them understand."

"And, you do want to be with me, right? After you've had me, you're still attracted to humans?"

"Ee-yup," I said.

Chapter 10

“’Comma, quote, Ah said, period.’ Whoo-wee! That should just about do it. Finest fap-fic Ah’ve written yet! Oh, my, look at the time. Ah’ve got chores to do!”

Applejack dropped her pencil and ran out to the orchard. There was a fence to be mended on the far side, so she got to work. When she got into a rhythm, she started thinking about her story again.

“Maybe Ah shoulda made it a three-way with Sherry. Nah, Ah can save that for the sequel!”

From back at the house, the triangle sounded. Applejack pricked up her ears. “Breakfast, already? Yee-haw!”

She galloped back to the house to find Granny Smith outside, but without anything to indicate that breakfast was ready. She also had a mean look on her face.

“Apple Q. Jack, would you mind tellin’ me what in tarnation it was that I found in your room this mornin’?” Granny asked.

“Granny! What were y’all doin’ in my room?”

“Don’t go changin’ the subject on me! Shouldn’t be any secrets among family, ‘specially one as tight-knit as us. Least, I thought we were. I didn’t know my own granddaughter was writin’ filth!”

“It ain’t filth!”

“I say it’s filth! Dirty words and freakiness involving your own brother! What if Apple Bloom had seen this?”

“She too ought to know better’n to go into my room.”

“I’ve had just about enough of your back-talk, little missy! Now, first thing you’re gonna do is get rid of that! And then you’re gonna go to Big Macintosh, tell him what you done, and apologize! And don’t think you’re gettin’ any of my flapjacks this mornin’!”

Granny picked up Applejack’s story with her mouth and dropped it in the mud at her hooves. Applejack looked at it with a tear in her eye as Granny went back into the house.

Applejack carefully lifted it out of the mud. Even if she hadn’t been told to get rid of it, it was ruined anyway. She trotted slowly down to the trash heap.

It was bad enough that she wasn’t going to get to see it on HumFiction, or even on Humanchan’s fic board. But when she thought of all the work she had put in, skipping sleep to gain writing time and working out plot lines while doing her chores, it hurt a bit.

The trash heap was separated into compostable and non-compostable materials. She supposed that at least it could do some good if her paper made some of the trees grow. Before she threw it on the heap, she read it over one more time. If nothing else, she could keep it in her head.

As she was reading, she heard the heavy trod of hooves behind her. She turned to see Big Macintosh carrying some trash of his own.

“Mornin’, AJ. What’re you doin’ there?”

“Oh, nothin’. Listen, Mac. Ah made Granny Smith awful mad today, and she said Ah got to apologize to you.”

“To me? What’d you do to me?”

“Well, truth is, Ah wrote a story.”

“That don’t hurt none.”

“Yeah, but Ah wrote it about you. And Ah had you doin’ some nasty stuff. Sexual stuff. With a human.”

He looked over at the open paper that Applejack had left lying on the ground. She put her hooves in front of it to block his view, but he shouldered her out of the way. Knowing that she couldn’t beat him in a contest of strength, she gave in and let him read.

She sat biting the edge of her hoof until he looked at her. “I didn’t know you had that side of you,” he said.

“Oh, well, ah guess it’s—“

“I ain’t into humans, you know.”

“Ah never figured you were, Ah—“

“I’m definitely into purdy mares.”

“Ah’m sure—“

“Purdy mares like you,” he said, and kissed her on the mouth.

“Big Mac! Ah’m yer sister!”

“I know,” he said, and moved around behind her. He lifted up her tail and stroked her pussy. “My dirty sister who writes clop about her big brother. Who probably thinks of her brother when she’s clopping herself. Who’s getting wet as I rub her.”

“No! What if somepony sees us?”

“Nopony’s around for miles! Granny never comes out here, and Apple Bloom’s at school. Now hush.”

He nibbled at her flank and she became even wetter. Ducking her head and looking between her legs, she saw his cock growing down to the ground. She backed up into him. “Do it, Big Mac. Put it into me.” She spread her back legs.

Big Macintosh was pleased that she was responsive, but felt an urge to dominate. Rather than stepping back, he shoved his sister to the ground and knelt behind her. With force, he stuck the head of his cock between her legs.

“Oh, Big Mac!” she screamed. He thrust in and out and grunted like an animal. AJ knew that he was enjoying his dominant position, so she put up some resistance, trying to buck him off. He responded by slamming his cock deeper and kicking her legs out from under her again.

“You like this, don’t you?” he said in her ear. “I bet that when you writ that story, you wished you were the human. Well, I like doin’ it pony style just fine.”

With that, he thrust one more time. In her deepest marehood, Applejack felt her brother’s hot spunk enter her as she kept bucking and shaking. Moments later, she came, screaming.

When they had finished, Big Mac rolled off and kissed Applejack one more time. “Don’t throw that story here on the trash heap,” he said. “Leave it and I’ll come by later and find a hiding place.”

They trotted back to the house. Granny Smith opened the door and said,”Well, it looks like you two have been gettin’ some work done, at least. Did she say she was sorry?”

“Ee-yup.”

Chapter 9

Greetings, Apple_bucker24, from Humania Daily! This is pre-reader JudyHemmings. At present, I cannot recommend your story for posting in its current state.

Generally, we do not accept fap, so there would be little point in resubmitting. However, we do want to help burgeoning writers, so I can give you some advice.

“It was a beautiful day in Ponyville.” We don’t need weather reports. This is generally something that writers do when they’re so freaked out by a blank page that they need to put something there, and they look around for something and decide on saying that it was a nice day. It’s fine to do, but cut it out before you submit and find a better starting point.

This is a Pony-in-Personia story. These have been done to death, particularly with Susan. It sometimes seems that everypony has written fics about her, and half of them are fapfics. If you are going to write one of your own, you’ve got to try for some originality, which you haven’t got here. The whole thing is too bland, because each plot point proceeds logically from the previous one, with the exception of the fact that there’s no reason given why Susan wants to have sex with the protagonist. If you do want to see what a good PiP story is like, check out “Hippology” by StarbeamThePony, “My Little Robbie” by Haycaketrot35, or “The Humare International Guard” by electronicseapony.

It’s also not particularly good fap material. Writing those is all about description, putting the reader in the scene. Yours is much closer to, “And then we bucked.” I really don’t feel the love between Susan and the protagonist. For the best example of these, read “Vice-President Bindin’,” “Research Data on Human Reproduction,” or “Bromance Reports.”

Just because technology isn't real, that doesn't mean that it doesn't follow established rules. You can play with the rules, but you can't just ignore them. By that, I mean that you can't have a character say, "Oh, I'll use technology" or narrate, "She flipped a switch and it happened." What's the switch connected to? How does it work? If you do that, it's Celes ex cornia. (That literally means "Celestia out of a horn" and refers to the ancient Equestrian dramatic device of having all the loose ends in a play tied up by a unicorn summoning Celestia.)

The clumsy way the second chapter steps outside the first is amateurish and adds nothing to the story. You should have written the "real world" scenes first, then gone into the story. For that matter, you should have just made them two separate stories, since Big Mac screwing a human and Big Mac screwing his sister are two different premises.

If you decide to resubmit, make sure you thoroughly revise, as this is your first strike out of three. (Our informal term for this is "sending the fic to Guantanamo." If we decide to permanently reject it, that's called, "taking it out in a drone strike.")

Chapter 7

“Wow, Applejack,” said the lavender unicorn. “That’s really. . . something.”

“I know, right?" replied the orange earth pony in the hat, "But the ponies who read these fics just love that sort of layers-within-layers concept. And the best part is, there’s no limit to how deep you can go! I was thinking of taking the first chapter, and having them pause in the middle of the sex to write a fanfic of their own, but then I figured that was a bit too crazy.”

“Yeah. You know, there are better things to do with your time,” the lavender unicorn said, “than watching Friendship is Whatever the Humans Have In Place of Magic and writing meta-fics.”

“Whatever. Haters gonna hate, and humans gonna. . . wait, that doesn’t work.”

Chapter 6

And there you go, everypony. This is about as close to a trollfic as you're going to get from me. I sure had fun writing it, but I think I'm done. I mean, I can't make these chapters any smaller, and I've taken it out as far as I can. Hope you liked it.

Yours,

Pjabrony

"Wait, Pinkie Pie! What are you doing?! No!"

Chapter 5

The FimFiction moderator looked at the submission. "'A Cloppy Meta-fic with Humans? Dafuq did I just read?" he asked. "Seriously, if this makes the feature box, I'm just ending the whole site."

Chapter 4

God was working on his master plan. "And now, on to My Little Pony Fan Fiction."

Chapter 3

OK, This time it's really over. I promise.

Chapter 2

Then they all fucked.

Chapter 1

," wrote Lyra.

Chapter 0

Fin

Chapter 8

Applejack put down the first three chapters and looked at me. “So, let me get this straight. You have me write a story about Big Macintosh boinking a human, then make it a story within a story, then have us commit incest, all the while I’m speaking in an accent way more than I usually use, and to top it all off, the story gets rejected by some outfit?”

“Um. . . yes?” I said.

“Just one more question, then. Can you give me one good reason why I shouldn’t buck you to high heaven?”

“Do you mean buck as in the misspelled euphemism for copulation?” I asked hopefully.

“No, buck as in kick your brains out, assuming you’ve got any.”

“Not really.”

“I thought not. You humans are always writing us way out of character, and you think it doesn’t matter. I’m going to give you a lesson you won’t soon forget.”

She turned around and kicked me in the face. I felt my jaw shatter. I probably had a concussion as well.

**

I crawled on my belly to my computer where I deleted all of the horrible things I'd written. Then through my aching face I apologized to the beautiful and brilliant earth pony—

“What are you doing? I didn’t write that!”

“You shut up and stay down or I’ll kick you again. ‘and I promised to never write clop fiction again.’ No, make that, ‘never write again, period.’”

Then she gave me another kick for good measure.