Most undoubtedly this will seem like a strange story to you. However, it is true and factual regardless how fantastic it may sound. I have known Applejack for decades, and we have seemingly always been the best of friends.
Now… I know what you’re thinking.
You are thinking that either I am someone seeking attention through sensationalism, or a certified lunatic. The truth is neither is correct. Applejack and I are BFF’s. I’ve been throughout Equestria, and met all her family and friends. I personally know all of the Mane 6, as well as have been accepted as an official Cutie Mark Crusader. I’ve even stood in the throne room of Canterlot palace.
(In chains… but that’s another story)
I hope that you have a willingness to listen and have gotten yourself some snacks or popcorn. Because how this friendship could even be, is a long story.
To begin, we have to take a detour to another place… Care-A-Lot.
You see… Care-A-Lot, just like Equestria; is a REAL place.
In the late 70’s, a team of Care Bear researchers discovered a new form of technology.
(A young Grumpy Bear was part of them)
This technological breakthrough changed the entire lives of the Care Bears forever.
“What is it?” you may ask.
The “INter-dimensional ELectromagnetic FIeld Generator” or INELFIG for short. This discovery allowed for interdimensional travel to become a reality.
(Technical jargon alert!) How it works is basically like a modified MRI scan, but without all the radiation and ferromagnetic threat of metal projectiles. Instead, it emits a tiny, focused beam of intense electromagnetic pulses coupled with various wavelengths across the entire electromagnetic spectrum of light. In turn, it creates what CB scientists call a “pinhole” that passes from one dimension to another. The destination is all according to what wavelength is used, much like tuning a radio station. When the pinhole is finally made, they basically force it open by filling it with magnetized plasma. This creates a pathway between two dimensional locations, large enough to pass a cloud car through.
(Of course… there are more quantum mechanics and physics involved, but I’m not a scientist… ask Grumpy Bear if you want to know.)
Now… even with new technology there are limitations. The Care Bear researchers soon found out they could only travel into another dimensional location for only about 2.5 hours at a time. This is because molecular stability will begin to collapse. (Known as ‘Inter-dimensional decay’) After that time, whatever entered (no matter the distance from the portal) will be swept away, back through the portal of origin. This returns the traveler to their former state before they entered. Also, they cannot regain enough stability after this “back jump” to enter again for at least 14 hours. If the portal suddenly closed, they would be trapped and unable to find the stability to ever return to their place of origin, if they did not return within the 2.5 hour span.
(Which tragically DID happen in its early days, to Loyal Heart dog. Who made millions selling bear art concepts to American Greetings, and screenplays under various pseudonyms about the Care Bears to Nelvana. Not bad for ‘being trapped’ don’t you think?)
OK breathe… enough techie stuff.
Basically, this is how the Care Bears were able to meet me, and I later came to live with them.
All that stuff that you have seen about the Care Bears caring and rainbows shooting out of their bellies is true. Even to this day, they are primarily interested in only doing good things. And, when they discovered the right wavelength to enter OUR world, they seized upon opportunity after opportunity. (Especially after the first movie came out in the 80’s… good job Loyal Heart!) At its peak, there were at least 50 cloud cars entering this world every day, crammed full of eager Care Bears. Like buzzards, they would fly *Cloaked until they would see someone that needed help, and swoop down. (*another technology… another story) They mainly targeted children, because they tried it with adults… and they would usually resort to violence.
To let the cat out of the bag, I was one of those many children that was helped by them. They noticed me one day in the fall of 1985. I was a scrawny little guy, that had just been beat up for about the 3rd time that week. Funshine and Cheer bear appeared in the sky and stopped me as I was walking home from school. I was of course surprised… but I was not afraid at all. (Who can be afraid of fluffy talking bears?) They stopped and gave me a ride, so they could re-cloak undetected. And as Funshine drove around in the sky, Cheer Bear cleaned me up and gave me some words of encouragement. (Standard CB protocol) As they both talked and acted with glee, in my adolescent mind all of a sudden I realized something—
“We live in a sucky world.”
I begged them to take me back with them to their world, but they refused. As they continually dismissed my pleading, Cheer kept saying “the time… the time!” I had no clue what they meant, but now I of course know they were referring to the 2.5 hour limit. Funshine nodded and quickly landed. When they did, I fell to the ground with a thud as Fun, Cheer, and their car disappeared. For the longest, I thought I was dreaming or I when I was beat up I suffered a concussion and hallucinated.
That was until about 2 months later…
Again, I was found writhing in agony from abuse, as I walked home. Suddenly, Tenderheart and Grumpy bear dropped from the sky. However, this time they didn’t even concern themselves with me! (I still hold that over their head… lol) There was a little girl on the other side of the street that was looking for her lost puppy. Knowing that they would quickly re-cloak and be gone, I pounced like a ninja. With great skill (That I learned from… er… uh… less desirables) I ‘unlocked’ and opened the trunk of their cloud car, hiding inside. They soon found the puppy in a nearby corn field and returned it to the girl. And with Grumpy being the meticulous time manager that he is, he drove back through the portal several minutes before the ‘jump,’ with me hidden inside.
(If they would have ‘back jumped’ while flying, I would have been killed. Yes… I’m a rebel.)
Well… to put it lightly, Grumpy Bear was pissed.
When he found me in the trunk, Grumpy literally wanted to throw me ‘bouncer style’ back through the portal. But, the other Care Bears stopped him. They knew that I would fade in about 2 hours anyway. So, they decided to be neighborly bears and give me the grand tour of Care-A-Lot. They showed me the large Caring Meter, the Hall of Hearts, and even parts of Care-A-Lot castle. Oddly enough, in the time left we played a few innings of baseball. Then a lot of bears surrounded me and started hugging me and even crying. (They didn’t get very many visitors)
And then…
Nothing.
4 hours passed… still nothing.
7 hours passed… no change.
In those hours, I went from a thug punk that picked the lock on a cloud car, to a scientific marvel in Grumpy Bear’s eyes. He could not understand why I did not make the jump back through the undisturbed portal, and return to my world. And, of course this became a cause to celebrate in Care-A-Lot.
(Like they need much AT ALL to break into celebratory mode. They would probably celebrate someone having gall stones removed… don’t tell them I said that.)
To make a long story shorter, after years of experimentation they found out that I have a rare genetic condition that causes me to retain my molecular stability, making me immune to Inter-dimensional decay. The CB scientists were hoping to replicate it, but sadly they could not. I could stay in their world as long as I wished. And In fact, the inter-dimensional time shift between the worlds allowed me to live a dual life. (2 hours of Care-A-Lot time = 5 minutes of Earth time) Because of this I still go back and forth constantly from our world to Care-A-Lot.
How I do it though, is none of your business.
Don’t ask me… because I’m not telling.
I mean it.
I became a regular with all the bears and they even furnished me with an apartment overlooking the Hall of Hearts. They even would use me frequently on excursions when they had to deal with a really tough case. They found it was easier to go ‘human to human’ with some people, rather than ‘bear to human.’ They still can’t believe that I finally made Shrieky shut up and leave everyone alone.
“Stop.”
“STOP!”
“OK NOW… I thought this was a PONY story! I don’t want to hear about your apartment or your freakin’ BEAR friends!!!”
Calm yourself, I was just getting to that…
Around the same time the Care Bears subjected me to experimentation, Applejack was a curious young filly. She was a bouncing, energetic pack of dynamite that seemingly could not be tamed. (Imagine AJ as Pinkie Pie… you get the picture.) Well… she was always into something. Always looking for new ways to prove herself as tough.
Always running, always exploring…
One day she was prancing through the far reaches of Sweet Apple Acres and she noticed something odd. In the side of a hill, there was seemingly a crack in the earth that was covered by crumbling rocks and dirt. She thought that it was a 'bear’s holler' and of course she wanted to prove that she could 'lick any old bear' in Equestria. (Which is rather silly… because the bear would be dead from being trapped inside) So, after an ordeal of two day’s moving of dirt and large rocks she finally uncovered a large enough entrance that she could pass her filly body through, and still have enough light to see.
When she entered, she noticed a purple glow coming from the back of the cave. The glow radiated throughout, in so much that she could see that this wasn’t any sort of animal’s cave. When she gave everything a good gander about, she could tell that the cave had something to once do with magic.
Perhaps, it was a magician’s hideout or a cave of wonders—she thought.
When she reached the back of the small cave, she found the source of the purple light. On the back wall of the cave, there was a big circle that had within it a swirling vortex of illumination. It pulsed and flailed like it was almost alive.
“What in tarnation is this thingy?!”—she said to herself.
With great wits about her, she did not touch it. But rather picked up a pebble on the floor of the cave and tossed it carefully at the circle. The pebble suddenly disappeared! Well… of course with AJ being AJ, she thought that it was “plum amazin’!”
So… she looked for other things in the cave to toss.
She found an old candlestick… It disappeared.
She found an old broken chair… it disappeared.
She found an old moth-eaten book… it disappeared.
She found an old set of dentures… she kept those for Granny Smith.
She then thought hard about putting her hoof in the circle, but chickened out and ran away.
After several days of thinking about nothing else but the cave and the glowing circle, she finally found enough gumption to confront it once again. She walked up and gently pushed part of her hoof inside. Before her eyes, it partially vanished! At first she was greatly startled by it, and quickly retreated. But after a few moments of thinking, she pushed her entire hoof through.
“Amazin’!” Young Applejack shouted.
Her hoof had vanished, but she could still feel it like nothing had happened. She found the courage to push her other hoof through, and it too could still be felt. Applejack swallowed hard as she thought about what she was going to do next.
“Well… here goes nothin’!” Applejack said. She then held her breath and closed her eyes. Suddenly she pushed forward and stuck her entire head into the swirling circle. After a few seconds, she opened her eyes to see a land filled with color. She then carefully took a breath.
“I… I can breathe!” She said in disbelief. In her adolescent mind, she thought that it was going to be like a magical watering hole. But, all at once she realized that it was something that she had not seen before. “WOW!” She said with greater ease. Wherever this was, it looked beautiful. There were rainbows that streaked across the sky. Puffy clouds and stars were everywhere. She had never seen anything in her life so wonderful.
With even more courage, she reached with all her might through the circle and touched the puffy white clouds below. They had a thick density that seemed stable to walk on. AJ then took a deep breath and decided to step through the circle.
“Hey… this stuff’s bouncy!” She said in glee.
Within a few steps away, she could see that the circle was rather small compared to everything around her. In fact, the circle was embedded into the side of a mountain, and she was in some sort of hidden valley. She twirled around to see it all and noticed something that looked like a small town straight ahead.
“What… what if they’re hostile?!” Little Applejack said to herself nervously.
After a few minutes of hard thinking…
“Well AJ… You went in the cave lookin’ to lick a bear. Well… I guess you can lick whatever’s up there as well… if ya’ need to.” She said to herself with a hard gulp of air. She slowly trotted out of the small valley, through the brush that kept it partially hidden. On top of it all, she could now see a clear picture of everything around her. She was in fact on the outside of a small town, and she could now see its inhabitants.
“Bears?” she said to herself puzzled.
She was greatly confused, because she had never seen bears acting the way that these ones were. They didn’t look angry at all. These bears looked really funny to her, wearing clothes and walking about on their hind legs.
“Bears don’t swing!” AJ said looking at a playground.
“Bears don’t slide!” she continued.
“Bears don’t dance!” she said watching some doing aerobics.
“BEARS DON’T GET CUTIE MARKS ON THEIR BELLIES!” she said annoyed, with a squeal and a huff.
Well, that did it… because she had to see for herself ‘what was up’ with all these bears and the funny way that they were acting. She had to give them a piece of her mind, and tell them just how “real” bears were supposed to act!
(Awww… Aren’t little fillies cute when they get mad?)
Well, she ran with all her might towards a group of bears standing around talking, and they quickly surrounded her.
“Hello… who are you?” One bear said.
“Welcome to Care-A-Lot!” Another bear said.
So many bears surrounded her and began talking all at once, young Applejack got very afraid.
And then she saw me…
Almost immediately on sight of me, all of her fears left her and she started laughing hysterically. The bears that surrounded her backed away, thinking that something was wrong.
She laughed…
and laughed…
and laughed…
She thought that I was the funniest, weirdest, most crazy thing that she had ever laid eyes on!
After her laughing spell was over and she could somewhat contain herself… she spoke to me.
“What… what in all of tarnation are you?” she said, still giggling.
“I am a human… I kind of live here.” I said with a shoulder shrug.
“Hunan? Well… you are the silliest, funny lookin’ hunan thing that I ever did see!” Applejack said as she started laughing again.
“That’s HuMAN. And… and…” I said.
“And what?!” Filly AJ said with attitude.
“And you are the cutest little pony that I did ever see… Yes you are! Yes you are!” I said in a cutesy voice.
Everyone could immediately tell that she didn’t like that one bitty bit. After I said that, many of the bears started giggling and trying to pinch her cute little cheeks. She certainly didn’t like that either. But after a few moments, she smiled and started laughing again.
“What is this place? Where am I?” AJ said, this time with more seriousness.
“You are in Care-A-Lot, home of the Care Bears… and me. Well… most of the time, anyway.” I said.
“Uh… what’s a Care bear?” Applejack said with confused eyes.
I immediately screamed “NO!” at every bear. This was because if I hadn’t they would start singing their freaking
“Welcome to Care-A-Lot! Signed every bear who cares.” song.
(It’s the ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ of that dimension. #Vomitandcringe)
“Without any SINGING… these around you are the Care Bears. I would name them all, but they would probably start SINGING about it!” I said, knowing every bear’s routines.
“That’s OK… they sing a lot in Ponyville also. Sometimes, it gets on my nerves too!” Applejack said with a giggle.
Just then, I thought about the grand tour that the bears gave me when I first came to Care-A-Lot.
“Hey… do you want to see everything that Care-A-Lot has to offer? We’ll give you a tour of everything!” I said, trying to reach out to the young filly.
She paused and thought hard for a few moments.
“No… no I… I really need to be getting’ back. I have a lotta’ chores to do and I don’t want to make Granny Smith mad or she’ll wear me out.” Applejack said nervously, as she began to back away.
“Well… please come back anytime. You are always welcome here!” I told her as she backed even further away.
“Much obliged!” She shouted as she darted away as quick as she could go.
That was the first time I ever met Applejack.
Over the course of several years, she returned countless times. And every time I was right there. I watched her grow up from a little cutesy filly to a full grown mare that could probably take on the entire world. We became the absolute best of friends, and have had many adventures together.
She asks me from time to time about my world, and I still use vague references and broad abstract ideas. The reason is: there is a whole lot in our sick world, that no bear or pony ever needs to know. Nor would I ever tell them.
(That’s another reason why I will never tell you or anyone how I cross over. I won’t let anyone taint their world.)
In fact, several years ago all of the bears stopped traveling to our world. Their reason (which was unanimously ratified during an emergency meeting at the Hall of Hearts) was because our world had become “too savage” and their magic of love and peace had become “ineffective” to far too many.
That was a terrible day that still greatly upsets me…
I have always told AJ that my world was not a good place, and that’s why I’m usually here in Care-A-Lot. Then, she would always reassure me that her world WAS a good place, with good ponies and lots of love. Finally, one day she showed me her hidden portal to go to Equestria. She had never showed it to me because she wanted to be absolutely sure that I could be trusted. When she did, I could immediately tell that it was created by some sort of magic, and not like our technology at all.
(That’s why she never had any effects of Interdimensional Decay.)
And when I crossed over into Equestria… I was quickly apprehended by Equestrian guards and escorted to a holding cell at Canterlot palace.
But that is another story entirely…
