Turnabout : A Grumpy Goat <tail> : #5
Turnabout:
a Grumpy Goat *tail*
by
Glen Ten-Eyck
© 2015 by Glen Ten-Eyck
1866 words
“I demands a refund! You and your shit had nothing to do with it!”
Grumpy Goat leaned back in the only easy chair in the cave's front chamber. His curl horned skull with the Everburning Candle between the horns and the large, predatory fangs appeared to float where his head should be (and, in fact, was). His body under it was invisible.
He muttered inaudibly as he cast a Glamor spell on his spirit body hooves. They not only became visible, they were in the form of eagle claws, modified slightly for easy handling of objects. He reached across to a shelf with neatly organized scrolls and retrieved one.
“What the heck are you up to, Goat?” demanded his ill-favored earth pony visitor. He was glaring at the scroll because he recognized it at once. “Don't try any weasel trick on me! I got a blessed medallion. Your evil can't touch me!
Grumpy turned his glowing, intimidating, serpent-like eyes up from the scroll to his visitor. Clodimer was holding out a Solar/Lunar medallion between them like it was some sort of shield. Grumpy had to giggle at that.
“I am not going to waste the breath that I don't breathe to tell you how many ways that is useless! No, Clodimer, I was just reviewing our contract. That is all.
Clodimer brought his blotched yellow brows down in a sharp V as he frowned. “That? Worthless paper. No court in Equestria will back it up. You got no case. You try, I gets you for enslavement.”
Grumpy grinned. All that could be seen of him was the fleshless, fanged skull and the eagle like talons holding the document. A grin (or pretty much any other expression) should have been impossible. It wasn't.
“Right you are, Clodimer. All that you have to do, in OPEN COURT, before Judge Coldheart, is admit that you REQUESTED AND PAID FOR the enslavement of the mare Daisy Chain to YOUR WILL.
“As YOU just pointed out, I DID NOT DO IT. She came to you of her own free will. Let's just see what the ol' contract says about that exact circumstance, shall we?”
Grumpy's dead skull grinned again. Ferally.
The eagle claws deftly unrolled the parchment to the paragraph in question. Grumpy read it aloud, “In as much as the Powers to be invoked for this Working, may bring about the desired result by means that appear to be natural, the client,” Grumpy paused to point with a claw at Clodimer and say as an aside, “That's you, Clod, ol' pony.” Continuing he read, “agrees to pay the total amount agreed elsewhere, without quibble. No refund is due for any reason if the result agreed above is achieved by any apparent means or agency at all.”
Clodimer tried to make a grab for the contract but Grumpy did expect that. Not only did he hold the contract intact and out of reach, he deftly snagged the medallion too.
The first that Clodimer was aware of it was when Grumpy held it up and pulled out a jeweler's loupe to examine it. As Clodimer watched aghast, Grumpy checked both the medallion and chain by rubbing them across a slate and applying a little acid with a glass rod.
“What do you know, Cloddy ol' pony! You were not cheated at all! This really is blessed by the Celestian and Lunar priests! It happens to actually be good quality gold, too.”
The horrified pony tried to avoid touching the medallion as Grumpy attempted to give it back.
“What? Just a moment ago, you wanted your gold back. Now, you do not want this gold back? I promise, I did nothing to the blessing on it. Cloddy, I really don't get you at all. Daisy Chain did, though. Too bad.”
A shaking Clodimer finally took the medallion. Recovering some courage, he demanded, “What about my gold? A hundred bits of gold I paid you. You gotta give it back, too!”
If Grumpy had lips, he would have pursed them as he thought. His non-expression changed to a grin of delight.
“Tell you what, Clodimer, I will give you that refund. There are a few strings attached, though. First, you wait here while I undo the Working that I did. Second, we will both witness the burning of this contract to ash, which YOU will then crush and scatter in the grass of the hillside outside of my cave. When that is done, I will return your gold.
“One other thing. I will not take any other contract from you again. Not under any circumstance. Since I did nothing, according to you, nothing will change down there in Ponyville, correct?”
Uncertainly, Clodimer snapped, “Just gimme my gold! You don't need to do none of that shit! No sane pony believes in any of it!”
As Grumpy lead the way into the rear chamber of the cave he remarked, “That leads to a very amusing question, Clod. You say that no SANE pony believes in it the Powers that I use. So, WHY did YOU come up my mountain, make this contract, and PAY me?” Grumpy's giggle echoed back from the big rear chamber of his cave.
He set up a small tripod brazier and added a little fine charcoal. “You know, Cloddy, it is way easier to undo this than it was to do it,” he said, drawing a largish chalked circle on the smoothed cave floor. He added a few signs and sigils around it and set the brazier close to the circle.
He pulled a lumpy candle out of a closed box. Conversationally he said, “This is what I did with those things you brought me. All that we need to do is burn it completely in that brazier. Not as simple as it seems or I would not go to this trouble.
“Now, please get into the circle. Or don't. I will. I refuse to be held responsible for what happens to you if you do not. On the plus side, I will get to keep your gold.”
Clodimer curled a lip but got into the circle. Picking up a staff that was carved but hard to focus on, Grumpy followed.
From inside the circle, Grumpy reached out the staff and touched the charcoal. It flared up. He followed that by poking the remains of the candle into the blaze. It shot a white and yellow jet of flame almost to the cave ceiling. That subsided quickly.
No trace of the candle remained. He added the contract the same way. It burned an unequestrian green and needed to be poked several times to get it all burned. Using his staff, Grumpy drew a simple circle around the brazier. He connected it to the main circle with two lines.
“Now, Cloddy my pony, just step over there and pulverize the ashes. Stay in the lines until it is done, or I will get to keep my gold.”
Clodimer did step carefully and crush the already cool ashes with his hoof.
Grumpy Goat grinned his non existent grin and said, “Well done! NOW it is safe for us to finish this. Just scatter the ashes in the brazier on the grass below my cave and I will give you your hundred bits of gold.”
As Clodimer picked up the brazier and carried it out of the chamber, Grumpy took a bulging bag from a coffer and followed him out.
The ashes made a very satisfactory cloud that swirled and settled into the grass.
Grumpy proffered two parchments and a pen. The two parchments both said the same, Clodimer checked.
“100 β gold coin refund for Magical Working CLAIMED to have not worked. Signed “
Angrily he scrawled his signature on both copies. Grumpy serenely handed him the sack and a copy of the parchment.
“Count it here, Cloddy, or trust me. After all, it might be short and if you leave, that is it. Not a copper more.”
Clodimer did count it carefully. Whistling cheerfully he trotted down the path to Ponyville.
Whistling to himself, Grumpy returned to his easy chair and resumed reading his book. SHOWMANSHIP: A Manual to Impress Any Audience.
The next morning, earlier than he expected, there was a knock at Grumpy's iron bound and plated door. The spy hole showed a lovely green unicorn mare with yellow and white stripes in both mane and tail.
Grumpy Goat opened the door. The mare was taken aback at the sight of the fanged, glowing snake-eyed, candle bearing goat skull floating in the air, about head high.
She rallied quickly and asked only slightly fearfully, “Are you Grumpy Goat?”
He opened the door wide and replied, “That is what they call me. Are you the mare Daisy Chain that I have heard of?”
She nodded. “I am. I have some questions to ask you. May I come in?”
“A lovely mare is always welcome.”
She stepped delicately into my front chamber. Fishing in her saddlebag she pulled out Clodimer's reciept from yesterday. She held it out and asked, “Was this failed Magical Working about me?”
“Yes Daisy Chain, it was. It was supposed to draw you to him and make you compliant to his desires.”
“I see. You do not seem to be at all what I expected. Except for the floating skull thing. I have heard about that. You look pretty much like a normal goat when you buy supplies in Ponyville. Why this show?”
He gave her a shrug. “What the ponies see when I shop is called a Glamor spell. This is me. I had a minor accident early on. Got a form of immortality. All that I had to do for it was die.”
She actually giggled. “You seem pretty honest about it. So, what you did to me actually did work, didn't it?”
“Yes.”
“So why give him the refund? Won't that hurt your business?”
“I don't believe so. You are here. Likely it will cause others to come as well. Clodimer did not get as good a deal as he thought, did he? Have you left him already?”
“I almost did. Then I thought it over. He is very good in the sleeping stall. The thing is, we were together for a week before he came up here for his refund. He cheated on me twice in that short time.”
Daisy Chain grinned. Hugely. “Can you do to him what you did to me? How long will it last?”
Smugly, Grumpy nodded. “Easily. It will last as long as you both live. If I get the payment that I require, up front, of course. One payment. Cash. No pay, no play.”
If possible, her grin got wider. “What do you need? You charged Clodimer a hundred, but you gave it back, even though the spell worked.”
“Two hundred golden bits. One is payment for the spell that I already did. It worked. I ALWAYS get paid for what I do. The other is for what I will do for you.
“Shall we discuss the contract?”
She produced two bulging gold sacks from her saddlebag. “Please. Let's do it.”
Grumpy almost felt sorry for Clodimer. Almost.
--THE END--
Author's Note
This tale is not canon to the My Little Pony series world but is set in my own version of the My Little Pony canon.
My canon includes the notion that EVERY society has bottom rungs that "polite society" does not talk about." Many of my tales are from the viewpoint of those bottom rungs of MLP society.
The name Ponyville is copyright by Hasboro
