Author's Note

I admit, I don't admire myself. Now that I'm out of school, I pretty much work, eat, and watch ponies, and my sex life involves MLP porn and my right hand.

My first thought when I was kidnapped by a pony - well, my second thought, the first was "What the fuck?!" - was that this isn't the Equestria I expected. These aren't the ponies I know and love.

(This is not a Portal crossover)

Fallout: Equestria - Portal

Check on ponychan, check on derpibooru, enjoy the best new MLP porn, have a stiff drink, fall in bed. That was my Saturday evening routine, and I was just about ready for the alcohol when someone spoke up behind me.

"Step away from the terminal." I didn't have a roommate. I spun my computer chair around, preparing to deck whoever had broken into my apartment, and... openly stared at the speaker. Friendship is Magic was supposed to be fiction. It was supposed to be lighthearted and fun (not to mention sexy!). It was supposed to be a number of things, but it was not supposed to be in my bedroom! Not outside the computer, at least! Did my brain finally melt from too much brightly-colored cuteness? Was I hallucinating ponies now? I could see it already: Myself, drooling in a padded cell, convinced I was talking to Nurse Redheart.

"Pay attention when I'm pointing a gun at you!" said the pony, whose tone was anything but lighthearted. She was a pale blue unicorn, and she wore some kind of black armor that covered her up to the chin and concealed her mane, leaving only her face and horn exposed. Floating a couple of feet from her head, wrapped in a soft pink aura, was the pistol that would make good on her glare's promise of imminent death. Faced with this, I gave the only sane reaction I could.

"And so they're coming to take me away, ha-ha!" I sang, and threw my arms open for effect.

So she shot me. A red beam pierced my left shoulder, burning in a way my sheltered existence could never have conceived, and melted half my monitor into sparking slag.

"What the fuck?!" I screamed, clutching my shoulder. The mare continued to glare at me.

"I am real. I can and will hurt you, especially if you don't do exactly what I say. Do you understand?" Her tone had become calm - a dangerous calm my friends could get just before punching me in the face, except I was going to get punched by a gun. I whimpered out a 'yes' through the pain of what my brain refused to accept as a laser burn. "Good. Your cry will have other inhabitants of this settlement coming to investigate. Lead me to the safest part of the building."

"You shot my arm!"

"I didn't hit anything important. Probably. Would you like a matching set?" She turned the pistol slightly, and I cringed. What the fuck is happening, why is this happening?! Since when do ponies have laser guns?!

"No!" I stammered out, and shot up to my feet. Giving her a wide berth, I walked around the unicorn to the door, and closed it. "This is the safest room I have. Please don't kill me," I said with a whimper.