Chapters

In Which a Self Proclaimed God Chops Me in Half With an Ax.
In Which First Contact Could Have Gone Better (And Worse)
In Which I Become a Royal Guest
In Which I Encounter the Palace (Or it Encounters Me)
In Which I Die (Again)
In Which I Make a Bizarre Discovery

In Which a Self Proclaimed God Chops Me in Half With an Ax.
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The Equine and the Immortal

In Which a Self Proclaimed God Chops Me in Half With an Ax.

"If you gaze into the Abyss it will start making faces at you."

Void Fiend Psychology 101

"C'mon George," Hollered Howard, my boss, rolling an unlit cigar between his stubby yet nimble fingers, "This is the last car of the day. Hurry up with that filter change so we can head out."

"Almost... there..." I ground back, my arms deep in the guts of the Toyota Tundra I was working on. I knew I worked a bit slower than everyone else in the shop, but I made up for it by being extremely thorough. No customer ever complained about my jobs (not that I was aware of, anyway) and that was enough to keep me on the books, even in the current economic crush.

"Got it!" I shouted, sliding the last piece into place and screwing it in, "All done. Hey Richy, could you go call the owners of ticket 5032 and tell them they can pick it up tomorrow?"

The teenager groaned, shoved the last box he was carrying onto the storage shelves, and stepped into the office. While somewhat unpleasant in person, Richard was practically a god on the phone, and as such he handled all our calls when he could.

"Wonderful," Howard growled, although he was smiling slightly, "All right, everyone," He shouted over the din of almost a dozen people all busy putting stuff away, "It's Friday night, you know what that means!" A series of whoops echoed out across the shop while I suppressed a sigh. Tonight was company pool night, and that meant I had two equally unappealing options in front of me: I could either slip away, go home, and spend the weekend in near total isolation, or I could with them to Sweeper's Spirits and suffocate on the smoke. I was the only non smoker in the entire workshop, mainly because just getting a whiff of the stuff was enough to make me gag. The only reason I could even stand to work here was the no-smoking on the job policy since Howard believed the smoke would damage the car engines. I wasn't about to correct him on this point.

I mulled it over as I put my tools away and started cleaning up. Half an hour later I was finished cleaning but still undecided. "Hey George," shouted Jim, the local tire specialist, causing me to jump. He was standing over by the door, being one of the last to leave ahead of me. "You coming or what?"

Whelp, that answered that question. No way I was backing out once I got put on the spot like this. I could always feign being sick and leave if the smell got too intense (given it actually had made me sick in the past, faking it was extremely easy). I nodded and gave him a thumbs up.

"Hey look, everyone," he yelled, turning over his shoulder to direct his voice outside, "Our local recluse had decided to grace us with his presence." This got a round of laughter from the others as I rolled my eyes good-naturedly. He wasn't wrong, of course. I was downright notorious for not having a social life, and my family consisted of two parents who had gone bat-shit insane when I tried to move out. Helicopter Mom's had nothing on old Mrs. Someone.

I lifted my bag onto my shoulder and headed outside, sneezing reflexively as the late afternoon sun blazed in my face. It was just pool and drinks. I could handle that.

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I all but slammed the door of the bar open as I rushed outside before the urge to vomit became reality. I was so wrong. So very, very wrong. Drunken laughter followed my exit, and I caught a glimpse of Herald taking another drag through his massive beard in an attempt to stay in the lead of their chain smoking contest before the door closed behind me. I checked my watch: 50 minutes. I had lasted 50 minutes, although the contest only started 2 minutes ago. I stepped upwind of the bar and sighed, a cool wave of relief sweeping over me. Whelp, this evening's trashed. Might as well head home and see if there are any good flash games to be had. I turned around in the alley and looked for the way back to the parking lot. Then I turned again in a full circle, carefully scanning my surroundings. The mouth of the alley failed to miraculously appear since the last time I had looked.

While I scratched my head in confusion (and because it itched like crazy due to my needing a shower), a cold wind blew between the brick walls, stirring stray pieces of newspaper and frightening a cat as it went. The shadows lengthened, and became darker, somehow, seeming to consume any speck of light that was foolish enough to get too close. The lone street lamp flickered, and I suddenly wondered why I was the only person back here. You'd think their would be at least one other patron on such a busy night.

"Greetings and salutations!" Shouted a perky voice right behind me, "You have been selected for a very special offer!"

I already had my pistol out and was whirling around to attack when the words sank in. Then I saw what was behind me, and any thoughts of combat went straight to tracking down a priest. It was a kid, about 16 if I gauged him right, skinny as an exhaust pipe, wearing this ridiculous hood that was considerably longer than he was tall, and smoking like a bonfire. I meant that literally: if it weren't for the sudden chill and lack of open flames I would have sworn he was on fire. Massive curls of black smoke-thick as a user manual and just as opaque-drifted off of his head and shoulders. The black mist obscured his face, but I could tell his hair was cut short (somehow) and his eyes glowed a faint white.

"Back off," I growled, clutching my firearm and taking careful aim, "Whatever you're after, you won't find it here."

The thing snorted and snapped his fingers. One of the shadows peeled itself off the wall, snaked around my gun, and made it disappear in a puff of scentless smoke. "Stop being so paranoid," he groaned, pressing his fingers into the spot between his eyes, "I'm not here to fight you. Seriously, why is that always what people assume whenever I drop by?"

I stared in shock down at my hands, trying to wrap my head around what just happened. Hint: It wasn't going very well.

"Ok, that's it," the kid grumbled as he took in my expression, "If I let this sink normally we'll be here all night. Hold still." He waved his hand, and a band of pure blackness lashed out and wrapped itself around my head. When it disappeared a moment later, my brain had gotten itself back in order, somehow.

"Better," the kid said after studying me for a few moments. Now that I wasn't actively freaking out, I noticed his voice had a slight echo to it. "As I was saying, you have been selected for a unique opportunity." He held out his hand and stepped a bit closer, a ball of shadows coalescing in his palm to form a small sphere. "There's a planet in a dimension not far from here that is in danger of becoming a lifeless ball of rock in the near future. Since I happen to like this world and drop in for a visit whenever I can find the time, I am very much against its imminent demise. As such, I intend to do something about it."

I opened my mouth to question what he was doing here instead of being all the way over there, but he beat me to it, "So I went over what gods like me are supposed to do in cases like these, and the consensus was to find some worthy mortal, give him the strength to face the challenge, and then send him off to take care of it for you. And that lucky mortal is," a trumpet fanfare sounded and he cast the planet model aside and pointed at me, "You!"

I stared at his finger, then at him, then raised an eyebrow and said, "And I want to along with this because..."

As my voice trailed off he blinked in confusion, and the various shadows drifting off of him faded away, giving me my first clear look at his face. He still looked like a teenager, complete with a massive zit on the tip of his otherwise pointed nose and a pair of silver edged glasses covering perplexed grey eyes. He cocked his head to the side as he studied me, then pulled out a book and flipped through it, muttering, "I know there was a chapter about this in here somewhere." He shot me a sheepish grin, "Sorry, I'm a little new at this."

I just crossed my arms, leaned against a nearby dumpster, and waited. If this guy really was a god (some distant part of me was in the middle of a nervous breakdown as my worldview broke yet again, but thanks to whatever he'd done it wasn't affecting me directly), there was no way I was going to be able to walk away before he was finished. Not if I wanted to see tomorrow, at any rate. However, if he thought he could just send me across the universe whenever he felt like it, he was in for a nasty surprise.

After about a minute, during which I'd straightened my collar and dusted my pants off, he shut the book with a snap and then made it vanish in a hand wave. "Ok," he said as he looked down at the pavement, more to himself than to me, "You've got this, Leere. Just tell him what's in it for him." His eyes snapped up, skewering mine with their intensity. "George Someone, the lonely mechanic," he intoned, "Left with no family when his parents cracked and turned his former friends against him. Unable to find company at work with the threat of tobacco smoke hanging over his head. Incapable of eating out thanks to a preservatives allergy, too sickly to play sports and not interested in them besides that, and not the most outgoing guy to begin with. You are completely alone in this world, through almost no fault of your own: it's either how you were born or thanks to events beyond your control. Yet despite all that, you maintain an almost chipper attitude. You refuse to let your circumstances get you down, and either let it roll off of you or ignore it until it goes away."

He floated off the ground as balls of pure black power formed in his palms, "If you decide to help me, this will no longer be the case. You will shed your excess pounds, and be able to eat as you please. You will find yourself in the company of others, and be able to enjoy that company to its fullest extent. Finally, as I am not unreasonable, I will make sure you have the tools you need to complete your task and save that world."

I scowled at him skeptically, only slightly more interested in his "offer" than I was a few minutes earlier, "That's way too good to be true, Larry. What's the catch?"

He glared at me as he dropped back to the ground, "It's Leere, not Larry, and you already know the catch. You'll need to use your new found skills to keep everyone around you from being mowed down."

"Really, Larry?" I asked with a grin as he fumed (whatever he'd done to suppress my shock must also be messing with my sense of self preservation), "I don't have to sell you my soul or something?"

He snorted in indignation, "Do I look like Lucifer to you? You don't get in on the soul trade unless you want a very short eternal life. Of course, you'll never come back to earth, but that's a given."

I frowned at that. No more human interaction? Promised companionship or not, I wasn't about to leave my race behind. "Sorry, Larry, I've gotta pass," I said after a moment, "If you keep looking you'll probably find someone who's willing to accept, though. Humans are weird like that."

"I can't," he sighed in exasperation, "When I was trying to figure out which human to pick, I built a device to search through them all for me," He reached into his armpit and pulled out a sphere with three antennae poking out of it, "Then I built three more just to make sure I wasn't messing this up. You're the one who's best suited to do this: I don't know why, and while that's probably important, I don't need to know just yet. You're going, and that's final."

I crossed my arms and planted my feet. "I said no, Larry. I'm not going and you can't make me."

"Yes I can," he shot back, his expression morphing into that of a spoiled child as he held up a screen with text on it, "I've got the mortal interactions paperwork filed. I can do whatever I please," He cupped his hand around his mouth, leaned towards me and stage whispered, "You have no idea what I had to do to fill this out. There probably isn't even a word for it in your language." Straightening back up, he continued, "This is your last chance to come along willingly. If you do, you'll get to pick your power set. If not, I'm going to stick you with something at random. No, I don't care that that will make your job more difficult, it's what you get for being obstinate."

Hmph. I growled and looked away. As much as I wanted to protest this, there really wasn't anything I could do about it and resisting would only make it worse. I hate feeling powerless: it's why I have a concealed carry license. My temper kept me silent for a long moment, but eventually my common sense broke through "Fine," I grumbled, "just give me a minute to pick something."

Larry's face lit up with a surprisingly open smile, considering he just blackmailed me into cooperating. "Thank you," he said emphatically, "You won't regret this, I promise."

I already did, but that was beside the point. I turned to face one of the walls as I thought, then turned back almost immediately as what felt like the right choice came to mind. "I want an Ascension Atlas."

He blinked. "A what now?"

"An Ascension Atlas. It's like a skill web. Look it up."

Leere let out a gust of air as most of the tension left his body, then grinned. "Of course," he said, "I wouldn't be much of a patron if I couldn't fulfill even a basic request like that. Unfortunately," A piece of shadow sprang from his hand, forming a large two headed ax which he raised over his head, "I'm going to have to kill you now. The afterlife is the fastest route, and all that."

"Wait, what-" I felt a sharp pain in my forehead before the world collapsed into a kaleidoscope of colors.

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Fast Fact: Dying sucks. Like, really, really sucks.

I blinked open my eyes, then quickly shut them again as I realized I was looking at a solar eclipse. Then I realized that, A. Last I checked it was late at night, and B. I don't live in a part of the world that gets solar eclipses in the first place. Everything that had happened caught up to me all at once, and I curled up in a whimpering ball while I waited for the world to start making sense again. I don't know how long I lay there, but it must have been hours at least, given how the sun had moved once I finally pulled myself together enough to take in my surroundings.

I appeared to be in a garden, or rather what used to be a garden given how overgrown all the plants looked. To my left was the crumbled remains of a wall, while the ruins of a castle soared over me on my right.

"Took you long enough," said a voice I was quickly growing to hate, "I was beginning to wonder whether I needed to shut down your panic receptors again." I growled as I turned towards the sound of his voice, then almost stumbled in confusion when he failed to appear, "Don't bother," Larry continued, sounding downright smug as a small shadow popped up in the back of my mind, "I'm not materialized right now. The only one who can hear me is you."

While I sighed in frustration, he started to ramble, "I looked up this Ascension Atlas thing on our way over, and I've got to say, you picked a doozy. Going for the one man army style, huh? Good call, good call. By the way, since an empty Atlas kind of sucks, I did you a favor and filled in the first chunk of the starting classes so you could start earning class sparks. I also got you some basic weapons, my treat. See, I'm not unreasonable."

I considered letting out a string of swear words at that, but restrained myself to a blunt, "Thank you, now how do I use this thing?"

"Check your shirt pocket," he said, "I've put together a little something to help manage everything."

I started to reach for it, but suddenly Larry yelped and said, "Ok, you're going to have to experiment later, just pick a class and focus on it! Once you've done that, find the tallest tower and scale it. When you get to the top, I'll contact you." He winked out, and I finally expressed exactly what I thought of him. In detail. With graphic imagery.

Once I'd vented my anger, I considered what to do about my situation. I could be sullen, run from it, or try to make the most of it. My musings shook something loose, and I heard my Dad's voice say, "When your car runs out of gas on the side of the highway, you know what you do? Kick a tire, grab the gas can, and start walking. It's ok to be frustrated when life doesn't do what you want, but don't ever let it beat you. It's your attitude that will define you, not your circumstances."

I sighed. Dad was right, of course. He has something of a knack for it. Or had, rather. There wasn't any use in just moping around and lashing out at my surroundings. I needed to take what I had and make do. I started walking towards the castle, found a sturdy cluster of vines that had once been attached to a framework, but had long since rooted themselves in the stone, and climbed. I unwound a little as I went higher, each foot and handhold used wearing away a hair of my anger. Larry was a brat, no doubt about it, but at least he'd had the courtesy to ask nicely the first time. Despite my near constant antagonizing, he was still willing to help me, sort of, which was sweet in a totally weird and paradoxical way.

Reach. Grab. Pull. Step. Reach. Grab. Pull. Step. I made rapid progress up the side of the castle, and soon found myself just below the window on the side of what appeared to be a large hall. Why the designers put it up there instead of on a lower floor is anyone's guess. Pulling myself up a little higher, I looked in and saw... a black horse with wings and a horn wearing blue plate standing over a purple unicorn. What.

"The Night will last forever!" The horse shouted, spreading its wings and letting out an evil laugh.

...

WAT.

"Oh, I almost forgot," Larry said, popping back in before I could finish processing what I was seeing, "The dominant lifeforms on this planet are called ponies. Just a quick heads up." I almost lost my grip on the ivy at that. "Also, if you could distract Nightmare Moon, that's the big one, for a few seconds while the heroes do their thing, that would be great." He vanished again before I could respond.

Shoving my reaction into my "suspension of disbelief" space (frankly, it was getting really crowded at this point), I listened to the two ponies toss banter at each other for a bit and had to resist the urge to facepalm. That unicorn was such a straight hero-type it was almost hilarious, and the winged one was an even straighter villain. Honestly, I would have busted out laughing if it didn't mean falling to my death. Then the unicorn started a big speech about something called the Elements of Harmony while several other ponies ran up to join her, and I winced at the tactical blunder.

"Applejack, who reassured me when I was in doubt, represents the spirit of-aaaauuuugh!" the unicorn screamed as a blast of magic sent her flying across the room.

Her friends glared up at Nightmare Moon, whose only response with a shrug and the words, "Did you honestly think I would stand there and let you finish? Now prepare to face an endless Nightmare!" She reared up on her hind hooves and looked like she was about to finish them off.

Whelp, the settled it. I wasn't about to let anyone get killed here, neon horses or not. Now what did Leere say, again? Ah yes, just focus and-

CRASH!

"RRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Nightmare Moon glanced in my direction just in time to take a sword to the face.

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Twilight sat up, rubbing her aching head with a hoof. Stupid, stupid, stupid! she chided herself, I should have distracted her or something, not just stood there and... huh?

She stared in confusion at the scene in front of her, as did the rest of her friends. Nightmare Moon had something on her face: Something big, mad, bipedal, wearing golden and steel plate over blue cloth and hitting her repeatedly with a sword. It didn't seem to actually be doing any serious injury, but the creature definitely had Nightmare's full attention.

"Get off of me, you curr!" shouted the fallen princess, thrashing about in an attempt to dislodge her opponents grip on her horn, "I am Nightmare Moon, and you will bow before-" WHACK "Augh, not the ear!" WHACK "What did I just say!?"

Twilight walked over to her friends, unable to take her eyes off the spectacle. "Um, girls," she said slowly, "You're seeing what I'm seeing, right?"

"If by that," Applejack replied, "You mean a big varmit tearin' Nightmare Moon a new one, then yes."

The creature had somehow managed to get onto the larger pony's back by that point, and she was bucking and thrashing in circles in an attempt to throw him off. Given that his legs were wrapped around her wings and his paws still had a firm grip on her horn, she wasn't having much luck.

"Um, Twilight dear," began Rarity chewing her lip pensively, "Maybe you should finish what you saying earlier?"

"What? Oh, right. Applejack, you represent the spirit of honesty..."

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For the first, the very first time in my life, I felt truly alive. Adrenaline surged through my veins as I rode the bucking pony under me, keeping a death grip on her horn and wings so I wouldn't fall off. Seriously, there's a reason that horned helmets are not a real life thing. In addition to being useless weight, they make a nice target for an opponent to knock your helmet off your head, and if you strap your helmet on, then they provide a convenient lever to hold you down by while slitting your throat. Or in this case, a very handy handhold.

"I am the darkness eternal!" The pony roared, "I will not be bested-" I reared back and slammed my now armored skull into the back of her head, cutting her off in a pained whinny. I'm pretty sure this is what is known as a "battle rush:" my blood sang the song of a history of violence, of untold billions of humans across the millennia doing their absolute best to wipe each other out. The power of the Atlas surged in my muscles, giving me a strength I'd never dreamed possible and teaching me skills I wouldn't have otherwise. How else could I have jumped thirty feet forward and up straight through a pane of glass?

Nightmare finally used her wings to her advantage, and with a quick flap sent me flying up and over her to land on the few steps separating the dais from the floor. My armor blocked some of the impact, but I still had the wind knocked out of me. The pony stalked forward and stuck her muzzle in my face, snarling in unadulterated rage. "You insect," she growled, "I will enjoy crushing you." I merely wheezed in response, a stray thought wondering if I'd been warned about stairs.

"Now, girls!" shouted a voice I recognized as the unicorn from earlier, and I struggled to sit up as a massive of rainbow light blasted towards the ceiling before falling on top of us. Neither of us had a chance to move before the beam consumed us and I began to burn.

In Which First Contact Could Have Gone Better (And Worse)
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The Equine and the Immortal

In Which First Contact Could Have Gone Better (And Worse)

“The worst mistake of first contact, made throughout history by individuals on both sides of every new encounter, has been the unfortunate habit of making assumptions. It often proved fatal.”

―David Brin

Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke.

I'm not certain how long I was under the rainbow falls. I don't think it was more than a few seconds, but it felt way longer than that. The magic (actual, real magic that made the kid in me want to squeal while the engineer ranted about impossibilities) didn't really seem to know what to do with me.

Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke.

The burning sensation had only lasted for a very short moment before the, Elements? Yeah, the Elements, realized I was not Nightmare Moon and backed off a hair. I could feel them rubbing up against my soul, somehow, testing it, judging me. The bottom of my left foot went numb for a bit as it started to turn to stone, but the Elements changed their mind an instant later and the feeling retreated. They tried to purge the evil in me next, but must not have found something strong enough to latch onto. If I'd been possessed maybe they might have been able to do something, but I wasn't, so...

Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke.

They were now brushing up against my Atlas, and surprisingly, they seemed to recognize it, if not for what it was than for what it stood for. The Atlas is the tool of the Immortals of Aelion, used to help them defend their planet against all would-be conquerors. While my Atlas may not be directly connected to the planet Aelion or its people, it had the same purpose, a purpose that I sensed lined up with that of the Elements's: protect and save.

Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke.

With one final round of prodding, the Elements retreated, leaving spots in my eyes and feeling like I'd just gotten the spiritual equivalent of a day at the spa, despite never actually having gone to one. I felt clean on the inside, which was a very strange sensation, if not unpleasant. Actually, I felt great. Refreshed, even. I carefully sat up, making sure not to hurt myself on the steps again, and looked around. I noticed I wasn't wearing my armor anymore, and assumed it must have come off when the Elements hit.

The six ponies in front of me were staring in my direction with a surprising variety of expressions, ranging from curiosity to confusion to hostility to barely contained glee. That last one was only on the face of a pony that I was pretty sure would be hot pink in better lighting, and I found her intense scrutiny strangely unnerving. In an attempt to break her gaze, I glanced behind me at Nightmare Moon, or rather, what I thought was her. She was a good bit smaller and more brightly colored than before, lying next to the remains of her armor, and seemed to be unconscious. Other than that, and the sudden bling around each of the smaller ponies's necks, nothing appeared to have changed while I was out.

For a long moment, it was perfectly quiet. I had no idea what to say, and I don't think they did either. I think the purple unicorn was about to break the silence when a bright light shone through the window I had shattered with my entrance, and the biggest pony yet sailed into the room on angelic white wings. The other ponies all hit the floor at more or less the same time, so I knew I was looking at a figure of power, although not how powerful. She (yes, another female) was smiling contentedly as she entered, right up until her cartoonishly huge, wise, and downright ancient violet eyes locked with mine, freezing her smile into a rictus of its former self. I was a surprise, and I instantly knew that that was not a good thing to be.

I decided I didn't want her taking the initiative and maybe hostile action, and bowed, Eastern style, cupping my right hand around my left fist and bending at the waist, respectful, but not submissive. The ponies had all taken a knee, as I would have if they had prostrated, so I hoped that this gesture would show respect to an authority that was not my own, and desperately prayed that it wouldn't be taken as an insult.

The bow seemed to mollify her, and her expression softened as I breathed an inward sigh of relief. The white pony now seemed more curious than wary, and she looked me up and down as I did the same to her. I spotted a gold crown tucked behind her horn and golden shoes around each hoof, confirming my earlier suspicion of authority, and while she was plump, even taking in her increased stature, rippling muscles under her coat hinted that she wasn't just some bureaucrat.

She spoke first, her voice melodious, regal and carrying a weight of power I'd never heard outside of a fantasy movie, "Greetings, George, and welcome to Equestria. Would it trouble you at all to tell me your title, species, and reason for being in a place few ponies dare to tread?"

I was stumped by her use of my name until I remembered I was wearing a name tag, and while she may have phrased it as I question I could tell it was anything but. I started to reply, but broke off in a bout of coughing as my vocal chords seized up. It cleared away after a few seconds, and I said, my voice sounding strange in my own ears, "Mechanic, homo sapiens, or human, and I have no idea. You'll have to ask the guy who dumped me here. Would you mind answering those questions yourself?"

Her eyes widened in surprise as I finished, and I wondered if prehaps she'd never had to introduce herself before. "What!?" shouted the purple unicorn, her voice piercingly loud as she looked up from the floor, "How could you not know about Princess Celestia!?"

The Princess sent her a harsh look and the unicorn dropped her head again immediately, her cheeks turning pink in embarrassment (it's odd how it showed through coat, I'll have to look into that).

"I'm new here," I drawled, "Just assume I know absolutely nothing about your culture and history and we should be good. Oh, and if it helps I mean you and your followers no harm." Followers was a nice, neutral term, right? Diplomacy had never been my strong suit, and I had no idea what I was doing.

The Princess nodded, glancing at the group of ponies as she did so, "A reasonable request. Very well then, George the Mechanic, I am Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria and Alicorn of the Sun. I am an Equus Magicae, or pony of the subspecies alicorn, and I am here to return my sister to sanity after a thousand years of being bound to a dark spirit. These are my subjects Applejack," the orange normal pony who tipped her hat towards me, "Rainbow Dash," the colorful pegasus (now I've seen everything), "Pinkie Pie," the one that was still grinning at me, "Rarity," the white unicorn looking at me like I was something on the bottom of her shoe, "Fluttershy," the yellow pegasus who squeaked and tried to hide even farther behind the others, "Twilight Sparkle," the purple unicorn, "And my sister, Princess Luna." She gestured over at the other alicorn, who was staring at me like she was torn between fear and... gratitude?

I'll admit, it took all my composure to not snicker in a very inappropriate manner, although my twitching lips probably gave me away. I mean, really, who came up with this naming system? A porn magazine? I wouldn't have been surprised.

"Now," Celestia continued, turning her gaze back to me after finishing the introductions, "What was that you said about being dumped here?"

I took a deep breathe as I prepared to try to explain Larry's antics, but a sudden blast of noise interrupted me.

"BROTHER, I MISSED YOU!"

"GET OFF OF ME, YOU WALKING BLACK HOLE!"

My eyes snapped towards Nightmare's armor, and the two blotches of mist that were hovering about it, one grey, one black. The grey one seemed to be chasing the black one, who was trying to get away in desperation.

"Come on, Sammy, it's been centuries, just one hug?"

"No! I've told you once, I've told you a billion times! DO. NOT. HUG. ME."

"Come on, bro, don't be a downer, put 'er here!"

"GET AWAY FROM ME, LEERE! SHOO!"

The two balls of mist chased each other around the rafters for a minute or so, exchanging more pleading and insults before they went out the window and soared up into the sky, disappearing into the darkness. When I was finally able to wrench my gaze away I saw that the ponies were still staring after them, mouths gaping open.

"That," I said, snapping Celestia out of her shock, "Was Larry, the being responsible for my spontaneous transportation. He's the immortal equivilant of a teenager, and apparently he got it into his thick skull that this planet needed saving from something, then forced me into doing it for him. I'm pretty much stuck here until he gets bored, fed up, or changes his mind, but I have no idea how long that's going to take."

Celestia didn't say anything for a moment, then her horn lit up and I found myself immobilized, "Quick Twilight," she ordered, "Use the Elements of Harmony on him before he turns into another Nightmare Moon!" I would have facepalmed if I could move my arms. Really, Princess? You hear that otherworldly forces interfered and that's the first thing you think of?

While I was fuming over my sudden imprisonment, Twilight just looked confused, "Um Princess?" she said tentatively, "We already did. He got hit by the beam at the same time Nightmare Moon did because he was holding her off until I could activate the Elements. I don't think he was evil before, and if he was he's definitely not anymore."

Celestia looked at me inquisitively, and I did my best to shrug and nod while being suspended in mid-air. She sighed, and carefully set me down, saying, "I apologize for my rough behavior, George. I hope you understand that I could not risk my subjects's safety on such a matter. However, I must ask: why did the Elements need your help?"

"Basic competence check," I replied, "Twilight here had to make a long speech about how the Elements worked before she could use them, and Nightmare Moon was smart enough to interrupt her. Frankly, I would be more worried if Nightmare just stood there and let herself get shot. The only kind of person who does something that stupid is working an angle you can't see yet." Celestia winced ever so slightly, and I wondered what that was about, if it even happened at all.

Luna must not have been able to contain herself any longer, because at that point she leapt up and all but threw herself at Celestia's hooves, begging for forgiveness. I looked away as my ears turned red. I hate seeing people get embarrassed or embarrassing themselves, probably due to one too many times on the receiving end of such emotions. It makes watching a lot of media difficult. Thankfully, Luna didn't embarrass herself for nothing, and the two hugged it out. The grievance must not have been that bad then, because anything serious wouldn't have been forgiven that easily, right? Right.

"Twilight," Celestia said as the sisters seperated, turning to address the smaller pony, "Could you and your friends accommodate George while I head back to Canterlot (snicker snicker) for a bit? I still need to get Luna settled, and I can't exactly leave him in the middle of the Everfree Forest by himself."

Twilight sprang up and nodded enthusiastically, "You can count on us, Princess!" she chirped.

"Wonderful," Celestia said with a smile, "I'll be back to raise the sun in half an hour or so. Take care until then. George," she added, "We'll discuss your situation when I return. Until then, please follow my student back to Ponyville (snicker snicker snicker). If you find any part of your stay unsatisfactory, please be sure to let me know." If that wasn't a threat, however subtle, I was a dragon. With that, she nudged Luna, and the two of them flew out into the darkness. It was only after they had left that what she'd said about the sun sank in.

"Hey, Goergie," Oh great, Larry's back, "Remember: you're on an alien planet in another dimension. Don't assume that it works the same way Earth does, ok? Just go watch the sunrise before you start on the whole 'that's impossible' spiel." He vanished before I could reply. I considered ignoring his advice, but A. he had a point, and B. I really didn't want to stay in this ruin any longer than I had too. I was looking forward to a hot shower and a good night's sleep, if I could get them, and while the Atlas may have boosted my alertness it wasn't going to last forever.

"Ok," I said, flashing a large and very fake smile at my new companions that caused them all to flinch back and pin their ears down, "Is the Everfree Forest dangerous, by any chance?"

"Y-yes," mumbled Fluttershy, peeking out from behind her friends, "Very dangerous."

"Great, thanks," I said, and pictured the classes. I'd already tried the paladin out, might as well pick something else for the trip. I focused on the snowflake, and stepped into the air, hovering curled around my arms as a blue aura of power surrounded me. With a flash, I dropped back to the floor, now wearing a black and silver armored trenchcoat with a greyish blue shirt and pants . "I was just curious. Shall we go?"

"Awesome," muttered Rainbow Dash.

"How did you do that?" asked Twilight, staring at me in disbelief.

"Can we talk as we walk?" I replied, swinging my arms over my shoulders to get a feel for the suit, "As nice as this place is I can't say that it's grown on me."

"I must agree," added Rarity, batting at her hair with a hoof, "All this dust is getting in my mane."

As we headed down the stairs, I ended up in the middle of the group, letting Rainbow, Rarity, and Pinkie take the lead (How does a pony bounce, anyway?) while Twilight stayed next to me and Applejack and Fluttershy trailed behind, probably to keep an eye on me. I took a deep breath and prepared for a very lengthy monologue. I wondered if it would be worth it to be as a boring as possible to see if I get them to fall asleep on their hooves, but decided it wasn't worth the effort. It was also pretty stupid.

"It's called the Ascension Atlas," I began, while Twilight recorded my words with a quill and piece of parchment I was pretty sure she wasn't carrying earlier (Magic! EEEEEEE!), "It's a sort of mental projection of my capabilities. Are you familiar with RPG's?"

"Like Ponies and Princesses?" Twilgiht asked, scribbling furiously.

"If it's anything like Dungeons and Dragons then probably, yeah. You know how most games like that have a skill tree, where you learn simple skills at early levels and more powerful ones later on?" A nod. "Take that, and make it a skill web, where you start in the middle with dozens of branches peeling off in all directions and connecting to each class. In most games, once you pick a class, you're stuck with it. That's not the case for me: I can switch between classes at will, and use every single one whenever I feel like it. I still have to unlock them through the Atlas, but I'm not tied to any class in particular."

"Fascinating," Twilight muttered, still writing, "Why do you have a game concept for your magical powers anyway?"

"It was part of the deal with Larry," I said, causing Twilight to look up, "When he forced me to come here, he gave me the choice of what power set I would take with me to help fight the threat that he still hasn't told me about yet." Silence. "Anyway, I picked this one because it's so flexible. I'm not stuck with a set of powers that won't work against certain opponents. There's also the chance that I can't be killed now, but I'm not sure about that part yet."

"Wait, what?" All the ponies said at once as we exited the castle. Apparently Twilight wasn't the only one listening to my ramblings.

"Oh, yeah, it's part of the Atlas's origin story. You see, it's almost exclusively used by immortals, special humans that can't die, naturally or otherwise. The Atlas is an amplifier of their power, allowing them to use it for more than just getting back up after what should have been a permanent defeat. Without it, they don't have access to any of the classes or their weapons or fancy tricks. The class you saw me use on Nightmare Moon was the Paladin, a tough melee in-your-face fighter. This one," I gestured to my clothes, "Is the cryomancer, an ice based caster. I also have access to the lightbinder, a buff and shield specialist. I haven't had a chance to try that one out yet, though."

"Wow, that sounds really violent," Rainbow Dash said, doing the backstroke while flapping her wings above me. I considered having a freak-out about how that wasn't possible, but shoved it into the "research later" draw instead, which was starting to distort from all the files inside it (I could spend an eternity just figuring out how this place worked, if I wanted too, there were so many questions). The others were looking a bit green as well, and I forcefully reminded myself that they might not be as jaded to violence as most humans.

"Well, it is violent. The Immortals live on a planet called Aelion, named after Aeli, the first and greatest of their kind. The thing is, their world is under constant attack by aliens, and they're the only ones strong enough to defeat them and keep the peace. Sure, the mortals under their care help, but fighting a war is a lot easier when dying is more a 'Don't do that, you moron,' than, well, death. They need to know how to fight to protect those that can't protect themselves."

"That sounds just horrible," Rarity moaned, swooning as she held a hoof to her head, "Doing nothing but fighting for all of eternity. How can they stand it?"

"Well, they don't fight all the time," I said as the trees started to thin out, "And they are definitely appreciated for their efforts. The citizens of Aelion understand just how important the Immortals are to their safety, and combined with the fact that anyone can become an Immortal because no one actually knows how it happens, they receive the best of everything. They don't even suffer from the usual curse of immortality because they number in the tens of thousands with more being discovered every day. All in all, it's a pretty sweet deal." You just have to be willing to go out and die in battle thousands of times over to earn it.

I carefully left out the biggest and most controversial piece of Aelion's lore, that the Immortals who protected the planet were literally worshiped as gods, with every single one of them having his or her own cult following. Given that a good portion of that following was made up of people who had been personally helped and/or saved by that Immortal, it was understandable, even if the idea of being worshiped made me squeamish. Hopefully, if I never mentioned that part it wouldn't become a problem.

"Hey look, everypony, we're here!" Pinkie said as I stepped onto a cobblestone road, rustic European houses popping into existence right in front of us, "You go calm everpony down, Twilight, I've got to start planning a Welcome-to-Ponyville-and-Congratulations-on-Your-New-Atlas Party!" She zoomed off before we could respond, leaving a cloud of dust in her wake.

Twilight and I blinked while the others rolled their eyes, "Wait, how'd we get here so fast?" I asked, "It's only been a few minutes."

"It's Pinkie Pie, don't question it," chanted all the ponies except Twilight, sending shivers down my spine and making her hair stand on end. Now that needed further investigation, and I was lucky that Immortals make such good researchers, mainly because their experiments don't do as much damage when they blow up in their faces.

As we headed further into town, making me feel less like I was on an alien world with every step and more and more like I was just catapulted two centuries into the past, Larry showed up in my head again. However, unlike his usual boisterous-unless-impeded personality, this time he seemed almost... nervous.

"Hiya, Larry," I muttered, getting a weird look from my companions, "How did the family reunion go?"

"Ok, I guess, b-but that's not important right now," he said, a slight stammer and rush in his voice, "I took another look at that threat I told you about, and, w-well, I think I know why the devices chose you now."

"Really?" I asked, while Applejack twirled a hoof beside her head, while glancing meaningfully at Twilight, "Why's that?"

"You know the game you took your p-powers from?" He took a deep breath, somehow, which put me on edge. Larry didn't seem like the kind of guy who got the jitters easily, "It's the Reapers of Death. You're facing an alien invasion led by a god just like yourself."

In Which I Become a Royal Guest
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The Equine and the Immortal

In Which I Become a Royal Guest

"Doom, doom, doom,

doom, doom-doom,

doom, doom-doom."

Harry's army's war chant, HPMOR

I froze, a knot of fear curling up in my stomach and making itself at home. "You're joking right?" I heard my voice say, "Please tell me you're joking."

Invasions were the big draw for Aelion, month long events that slowly dropped an alien attack force on the planet that was then followed up by a lesser god or a mortal infused with a god's power. The weaker immortals never even saw them, let alone participated, instead spending their time cleaning up the shattered remains of the invasions that had hit the planet in the past. If one was heading towards us, there was no way I could fight it as I was.

"Nope," said Leere, "Although after I got a good look at their ships, I wish I was. Those bio-mechanical mishmashes were reeking of radiation."

As for the Reapers of Death themselves, they were actually an alliance of three or so sapient species united under the banner of Thanatos, the God of Death: the Vird, small, vicious rat-men, Carrion, vaguely humanoid creatures with slouching posture and spindly arms and legs, and corrupted humans, usually necromancers, one of the easier to get at classes in my Atlas. Nasty, unrelenting, and presumably extremely smelly, they wouldn't stop fighting until all living creatures bowed to their toxic god.

"How long did you say we have?" I asked, my voice breaking like I was still a teenager.

"Eighteen months, give or take a w-week. They're not the fastest ships I've ever seen, that's for certain."

I forced myself to breathe. I could handle this. This world, and me by extension, may not be ready now, but we had time. We could prepare.

"Thanks, man, I'll make sure to pass this on," I told him, and he sent me a sense of satisfaction before ducking out. At that point I realized I'd stopped walking and the ponies were all staring me with varying levels of fear and nervousness. I took a few steps forward and smiled awkwardly, and they started moving again, if with some reluctance.

"George," Twilight asked, seeming to speak for the group, "Who were you talking too?"

"The short answer is Larry," I told her, "The long answer is it's complicated, and you heard most of it when I told the Princess. In any case, what you need to know is that I now know what the threat I'm supposed to stop is, and that that info will be going straight to your leaders once I get the chance. Speaking of which, I've been meaning to ask you: is the Princess a good ruler?" Her answer would tell me a lot about their government's structure in addition to providing a nice distraction. I wasn't about to freak out a bunch of civilians if I could help it.

The ponies, after recovering from being blindsided by the sudden topic change, looked downright horrified. "Seriously!? You have to ask?" shouted Rainbow Dash, "She's the best Princess ever!"

"She's lead Equestria for over a thousand years!" added Twilight, looking stricken, "Everypony loves her!"

I didn't need meet their eyes to know that they were telling the truth, or at least what they thought was the truth. And a thousand years? I could tell the Princess was old, but damn.

"Sorry about that," I reassured them, "I just had to check. My people haven't exactly had the best experience with monarchies." It was more like an unbroken string of bad kings going all the way back to the dawn of civilization, but that was beside the point.

They winced in sympathy and dropped the subject, for now at least. "So," I asked, "Where are we headed, anyway?"

"Town hall," Rarity replied, gesturing with a hoof towards a round gazebo shaped structure two blocks ahead of us, "That's where most of the townsfolk are hiding, and where Celestia is, well, was, supposed to raise the sun." (Don't think about it man, just don't, think, about it...)

"Right," I glanced down at myself, then looked at Twilight and raised an eyebrow, "Do you mind going in first and letting them know I'm not a threat? I don't exactly want to cause a panic."

Twilight winced, "Yeah, that's probably a good idea," she muttered, "Stay right here, we'll be back in a few minutes." I nodded my consent and leaned against a nearby tree, pulling my ice caster out of its holster at the small of my back so I could fiddle around with it while I waited. I quickly put it away, however, after I almost took out someone's window with a blast of ice (because vandalism would make such a good first impression), and instead had to content myself with trying to guess the ponies's technology level.

The thing was, the longer I looked, the more I saw that really shouldn't exist in a society meant exclusively for quadrupeds. For example, doorknobs. They are totally impractical for any creature that doesn't have hands (especially round ones), and on top of that are not close enough to the ground for a pony to comfortably grasp them even if they could. Just to confirm this I walked over to nearby shop and opened and closed the door a few times. It was the perfect height and operating system for me, a human, but a pony would have to reach up awkwardly with a hoof or his or her mouth in order to turn it. In fact, just about everything I could see was about a foot higher off the ground than it should have been for pony use, windows included. Weird.

I was just about to drop down onto all fours to confirm my hunch about the window placement when I heard a gasp behind me. Turning around slowly, I spotted a teal blur slamming a pair shutters closed across the street. I considered going to introduce myself, but after a moment's thought I realized that wasn't the best idea given I might just cause the stampede I'd been trying so hard to avoid. Instead, I sat down on a nearby bench facing the house in question, and waited. If the pony inside wanted to talk, he or she would have to come to me. I was still waiting when Twilight got back, sans her friends.

"Ok," she said breathlessly, "I've told everypony that the crises is over and gotten the panic under control, more or less. I think they're ready to meet you. Just please, don't take offense if they seem scared at first. Most ponies have never met a carnivore."

I stared at her blankly. "A carnivore?" I said in confusion, "Where'd you get that idea?"

She blinked, repeatedly. My response seemed to have caught her by surprise, and it tied her tongue up for a few moments before she said, "Um, your fangs?" a sheepish grin painted on her muzzle.

"Huh? Oh. Ooooh," I said in understanding, tapping the tooth in question, "You mean my canines. Humans are omnivores, not carnivores, so your word choice threw me for a loop. Don't worry, I'll make sure to not show my teeth when I smile, and keep all my meat safely out of sight." When she started looking nervous again I added, "I was kidding about the second part, I don't have any food on me."

She sighed in relief, then said, "Well, that's a good thing, heh-heh. Come on, I'm pretty sure their getting antsy waiting for us."

I spared a glance at the house as we left, but saw nothing had changed since the last time I looked except for a rustle in one of the upper windows. I would probably get to meet whoever was in there at some point, but at the moment I didn't have the time to figure out what his or her deal was. I had much more important things to do, like go meet some people, er ponies, and get to know them. And tell their possibly immortal rulers about the army that's coming to wipe them out. And represent my entire species. Yeah, no pressure. Everything was going to go just fine-aaaannnndddd I've sealed my fate. Goodbye, strange world, it was interesting knowing you.

"Quit being so over-dramatic, you big knucklehead," Larry groaned, "I just checked, you're immortal, nothing they do to you will stick." Well, at least now I knew I'd actually gotten the full package without having to toss myself off a cliff or something. That little experiment wouldn't have gone well at all if the null hypothesis turned out to be true.

"Sorry, what was that?" Larry asked, "Your message was pretty fuzzy, I couldn't make it out."

Wait you can hear my thoughts!? I thought. There were so many ways that could go wrong.

"Only when you think them at me," he retorted, "If you aren't, I really have to strain to hear them if I can at all. You mortals are lucky, you know. Most gods will never have anything resembling privacy, what with telepaths popping in and out at all hours."

Yay us, I drawled, Is that all you wanted to say?

"Weeeell," he wheedled, "I was going to ask you to kill yourself so you could get a feel for the resurrection process, but on second thought that sounds like a really bad idea, so forget I said anything."

BANG.

"OW!"

Apparantely I'd gotten so wrapped in my conversation that I'd forgotten to watch where I was going, a mistake that quickly pointed itself out as I slammed feet first into the short flight of stairs leading up to the porch encircling the town hall. I sprawled forward, catching myself on my hands and suddenly realizing that if I'd tried that stunt back on earth I would have ended up with a sprained wrist. It's weird how it's the little things that really make a change sink in. That was the exact moment I realized I wasn't fully human anymore, and I almost instantly felt the urge to find a tight, dark corner and curl up in it. Sure, I still looked like me and felt like me, but I was something more as well, and it was the something more part that I found so terrifying.

"Um, George?" Twilight asked when I didn't move for several seconds, "Are you ok?"

Right, I can't panic now, I've got stuff to do. Kick the tire and all that B.S. I forced myself to take a deep breath, then another. "I think so," I panted, "I'm just tired." And I was, really. Larry had abducted me at the end of a long day of work and socializing and I'd spent at least a couple of hours here since then that included getting hit by a magical superweapon. Going by U.S. mountain time (where I'd lived before Larry interfered) it was after midnight and I was seriously starting to feel it. "Come on," I said as I stood somewhat shakily, "You said they were waiting for us?"

"Oh, right!" Twilight said, shaking her head so hard her features blurred together for a moment, "They're in here." She gestured to the door in front us, pulled it open with her... magic? telekinesis? put it on the research list, and trotted inside, jerking her head at me to say I should follow her. I stepped into the room, ducking a little under the doorframe to make sure I wouldn't hit it, and looked around.

Wow. Just, wow. It felt like a paint palette of solid cuteness had slapped me in the face. Dozens of ponies turned to look at me as one, and although I could see traces of fear in a few faces, the most common emotion seemed to be curiosity. You'd think the ponies having such enormous eyes would be highly unsettling, but that wasn't the case at all. Whatever the reason (I was betting on too much anime exposure, personally), I just found them flat out adorable. I'm not completely sure why I didn't have this reaction when I first saw Twilight and her friends, but it probably have something to do this with all the shenanigans at the time, dealing with royalty and such.

Anyway, after a moment of silence Twilight said, "Everypony, this is George," her voice echoing in the dead silent room. As I gave them an awkward wave and a carefully closed lip smile, she continued, "He'll be staying in Equestria for the foreseeable future, so please do your best to make him feel comfortable. We wouldn't want any interspecies incidents, after all." Her voice rose in a nervous tick towards the end, and I gave her a funny look that only made her embarrassment worse.

Since I didn't really know what else to do, I found a bench next to one of the windows and sat, leaning back against the wall and casting my eyes over the room. Oddly enough, whenever I met the eye of the locals, they couldn't or wouldn't maintain eye contact, looking away after only a few seconds. Also, while they weren't actively shunning me, none of them seemed willing to come over and talk, and since I had no idea what to say either I wasn't about to make any of them feel awkward by starting a conversation.

In the end, it was the kids who broke the ice. A unicorn filly with a grayish-purple coat and yellow mane and eyes walked up to me, and in a display of guts that was both surprising and impressive climbed into my lap and stared me in right in the face (the cure, it burns, it buuurns!). "Hey Mister," she said, "What's your special talent?"

"My what now?" I asked, my eyebrows climbing into my hairline.

"Come on," she told me, frowning at my answer, "Everypony has one. It's the thing you're best at, the one skill that gets you your cutie mark!" she twisted and pointed at her flank, which was blank, "I don't have mine yet, but it'll show up right here."

"Oh. Huh." That concept had so many implications, both good and bad, I didn't know what to make of it, "I'm pretty sure humans don't get 'cutie marks.'" Just saying the phrase made my manhood die a little on the inside, but if it was a common thing I needed to get used to it.

"What!?" she exclaimed, "That's awful! How do you know what you're supposed to do with your life?"

"We guess," I deadpanned.

She thought for a moment, her muzzle scrunching up in concentration, "That sounds confusing."

"Believe me, it is."

"Dinky, there you are," shouted a grey pony, an adult this time as she ran up to us, "You aren't supposed to leave without telling Mommy where you're going." She smiled at me, her eyes coming up to meet mine before one of them started to drift away.

"Thanks for finding Dinky for me. My name's Derpy Ditzy Do, although most ponies call me Muffins." She stuck a hoof out and continued, "It's nice to meet you."

I smiled back gently and shook it, noting that the inside of her hoof felt much softer the edges did, "It's a pleasure to meet you as well, Mrs. Do. I must say, you're raising quite the spirited child." I ruffled Dinky's mane as I spoke, which made her squirm and giggle and got Mrs. Do to laugh.

With that, the tension dissolved, and ponies started to filter towards me in ones and twos. Soon I was in the middle of a massive crowd, asking and answering all sorts of questions about my self, Equestria, ponies, and humans in general. I was just getting to how cutie marks work (none of them seemed to have a solid answer beyond "magic"), when a mare with a brown coat and grey hair announced, "Princess Celestia is back!"

In a flash, the herd dissipated, leaving me with just Dinky as everyone rushed outside. The whole group seemed to thrum with happiness, and I was once again reminded that monarch or not, Princess Celestia was adored by her subjects. I still wasn't quite sure what to make of her, but if her reputation was anything to go by I'd probably be quite happy sticking her in the president's office. Time will tell.

I nudged Dinky so she would move and I could stand up, which she did grudgingly, then headed outside, staying towards the side so I wouldn't block anyone's view and noting the solar eclipse had ended while I wasn't looking. After I got over the absurdity of a flying pony-drawn chariot (I could go on forever about why that made no sense) I had to admit it looked impressive. As the chariot landed and the Princesses stepped out, all the ponies bowed, and I repeated my little version as well after a beat. This time Celestia returned it with a small bob of her head, though I wasn't given time to puzzle out why before she started a prepared speech about her sisters return, which summoned a round of cheers, and my own appearance, which had a positive, if much more subdued, reception.

With the formalities out of the way, the gathering transformed into a proper party, mostly courtesy of Pinkie Pie. I have no idea how she managed to set everything up so quickly, but I wasn't going to rest until I figured it out. This brought me to my current position, standing next to a table piled with baked goods and dubiously eyeing an apple turnover I'd picked up. Thanks to being allergic to artificial preservatives, I always made all my own food, no exceptions, and the ingredients for that food ate a considerably larger portion of my budget than it did for most people. Anything that I didn't make myself must be carefully checked or avoided altogether. It sucked, but it beat spending most of my waking hours on top of a toilet, so I put up with it.

"What're starin' at my food for, George?" asked Applejack as she walked up and snagged a cupcake off a tray, "Are you goin' to eat it or not?"

"Oh, sorry," I said with a tired smile, "It's just, can I see the ingredients list for this?"

She swallowed and gave me a very strange look, "What, you mean the recipe? It's just flour, sugar, salt, butter, apples, and spices, nothin' fancy."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing, "You're serious? Nothing artificial at all?"

"George," she said, starting to look annoyed, "I made those myself, I'd know if I put anything else in them."

"Ah, sorry," I mumbled, took a bite, felt my knees go weak, and finished the rest of it off in under five seconds. "Good God, that was the best pastry I've ever tasted," I said as I grabbed another two.

Applejack smiled, looking pleased with herself, said, "Glad to hear it," and wandered off while I continued to stuff my face. If it turned out she was misinformed I'd definitely find out later, but for now it was food, and it was good, and that was all that mattered. Just the concept of not having to watch what I eat was enough to make me want to do a happy dance, but I restrained myself until I actually knew for certain.

With my stomach filled to a satisfactory level I sidled over to a nearby oak and grasped a low hanging branch. One quick heave-ho later I had swung myself up and into the leaves and climbed swiftly to a nice perch about twenty feet off the ground where I had a clear view of the festivities. I had to admit, being here was nice. Different species or not, I felt included, a feeling I hadn't managed to really pin down in almost two years. If I had to put up with Rainbow Dash's tail hanging down in my face from where she slept on the branch just above me, then so be it.

It wasn't long before a pegasus named Clear Skies flew up to join me, and we ended up having a lively conservation about how trees get water to their leaves, a much more complex subject than it appeared to be. By the time she had gotten bored and flown off to play some party game, I was fighting to keep my eyes open and my manners intact. Rainbow really had the right idea here, and with a yawn I carefully climbed down and started looking for Princess Celestia. I knew I really shouldn't be bothering her with something like this, but given I didn't have a clue who I should bother about it I didn't really have a choice. Also, I still had to tell her about the Reapers of Death, so there's that.

"Hey, Princess," I said once she didn't seem to be interacting with anyone, "Can I have a moment?"

"Of course, George," she said with a motherly smile that instantly put me on edge, though not because of her, "How can I help you?"

"Well, it's two things: I need a place to stay and I've got some intel on the threat I was sent here to deal with." I gave her a quick outline of the Reapers of Death, basically who they were and nothing more. "We've got time to get ready, but I thought you should know asap."

"And for that I thank you," she said graciously, "Though I must ask if that's all you know about them."

"It's not, Princess," I groaned, "and I understand you need this information to protect your subjects, but," I stifled a yawn, "I am dirty, stinky, emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted, it's way past my bedtime, and my temper and manners are all but gone. If you insist on asking me further questions I will do my best to answer them but I can't promise it won't dissolve into a shouting match that will get us nowhere. Furthermore, we've got a year and a half to prepare and a day more or less isn't going to make much difference. So please, just let me take a shower, get some sleep, and then grill me about the Reapers of Death. I'm sorry I cant do more right now but unless I find a bed soon I might end up passing out on the ground and that won't be good for anyone."

"I see," she said slowly, "In that case, as the first of your kind in Equestria, you can come stay in the palace for night in the ambassadors wing. We'll discuss strategy tomorrow."

"Thank you," I sighed, "That sounds perfect. I'm sorry for my short temper, by the way."

"It's fine," she said softly, stifling a yawn of her own, "It's been a long day and night for all of us," and walked away towards her chariot, Princess Luna and I falling into step beside her. I saw them nuzzle each other before we took off, and wondered just what Luna had done to get herself banished. I wouldn't have expected so much affection between them if anything severe enough to warrant such a punishment had actually happened. The thousand years had to be an exaggeration or typo, right?

Of course, I didn't have any time to think about it as I quickly realized I was much more severely afraid of heights than I remembered. Note to self: never step into any flying vehicle that doesn't have guard rails ever again. Vertigo doesn't give two shits about immortality.

In Which I Encounter the Palace (Or it Encounters Me)
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The Equine and the Immortal

In Which I Encounter the Palace (Or it Encounters Me)

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.

Philip K. Dick

I couldn't believe what I was seeing, and given just how much my worldview had changed in the past few hours, that was really saying something. Canterlot was built into the side of a mountain: no, that was giving the architects too much credit. Canterlot was glued to the side of a mountain and looked like it could fall off at any moment. I mean seriously, one well placed demolition charge could bring the entire city down, and I can't have been the only person who's thought of that. Then again, they might not have any explosive powerful enough to do the job since the most advanced piece of tech I've seen so far was the steam engine pulling into a train station. No plastic, no electronics, no fancy machines, just wood, cloth, stone, and metal. They had fireworks, sure, but mere black powder probably wouldn't do the job.

I had to admit, though, built upon the sand (or the air, rather) or not, the city was pretty impressive by pre-industrial age standards. First of all, it was clean. I couldn't spot any dirt or trash anywhere, and considering that even the small town I lived in had at least some stray paper floating around, such tidiness was mind boggling. Second, whoever the city planner was deserves a medal: every single building was both functional and aesthetically pleasing without any of the stylistic clashes I would have expected. Finally, it looked happy. Most human cities have a certain grim apathy to them, an atmosphere Canterlot lacked. All in all, a nice, if somewhat small and awkwardly placed, capital.

Then the palace came into focus, and I sucked in a breath. A full platoon of guards had come out to meet us, the sun glinting off their golden armor and their spear tips flashing in the light. I sincerely hoped that these guys were just for show and the real security was safely out of sight, because if they weren't, well...

I stepped off the chariot as we came in for a landing, and almost instantly fell over. Flying and my sense of balance had never agreed with each other, and it looked like that wasn't going to change anytime soon. While I was busy making a fool of myself and providing a spectacle for the palace staff, the Princesses spoke with one of the guards and had him escort me to my new lodgings on the upper northern side of the palace. I'll admit I didn't get the best look at the inside of the palace due to my flagging energy, but I could tell it was rich, tasteful, and I was pretty sure I walked past an extremely confused griffon right outside my room.

I thanked the guard for providing directions, noted but ignored him taking the post outside my door, and turned to inspect the room itself. A tall ceiling, even by human standards, meant it must have been downright cavernous for a pony, with a couch along the wall below the windows and a big bed right in the middle of the floor. I also saw a small door to my left that led to a private bathroom, which raised my appraisement of the ponies's tech level as indoor plumbing was a recent invention for us.

I sat on the bed and thought. Let's see, sleep or shower. Shower or sleep. I'm super dirty, but this bed feels so warm and soft and fluffy and SNORK-GURGLE-PORK-CHOP-SCHNOOOOOOOOREEEE...**

88888888

I woke up early. Like, super early, the sun wasn't even up yet. I suppose that's what happens when you go to bed at around five in the afternoon instead of waiting for a more reasonable hour. As I stood, stretched, and came to terms with the fact that yesterday's events were not some sort of bizarre hallucination, Given I noticed that for the first time in years my back wasn't sore when I woke up. Huh. Score one for pony beds. My Atlas must have reset itself while I was sleeping as well, because I was back in my oil stained work uniform with the crystal ice shooter nowhere in sight. I sniffed myself and wrinkled my nose, then made a beeline for the bathroom.

As I patted my pockets down to pull out my wallet, keys, and flip-phone (I couldn't afford a smart phone and thought they were major time wasters anyway) I noticed my shirt pocket was a lot fuller than it should be. Namely, that it was holding anything at all since I never actually use that pocket. I undid the button holding it closed and pulled out... what the hell it this thing? It was gold, cigar shaped, about six inches long (which made me wonder how it had fit in their in the first place), and had a big button on the side, which I pressed. In an instant, it had expanded, turning into a ten-by-twelve tablet with a transparent blue display. In the middle of the screen was a box with the words, Missions complete: save the princess, first contact, friendly visit, sleeping arrangements. Place thumb here to receive reward.

Oh yeah, I remember this thing now. It doesn't have a name, but every Immortal's got one: it's how they manage their orders and inventory, complete quests, interact with their Pantheon (basically a guild), stuff like that. It even allows the inexperienced immortals to upgrade their Atlas more easily, something I definitely qualified for. I place my thumb on the oval and felt a surge of power, the Atlas in my mind's eye filling in a couple of nodes. It would take many more sparks (the Atlas currency) to actually unlock anything useful, but as long as new quests or missions or whatever I wanted to call them made themselves available, I could make steady progress.

A surge of itching across my scalp reminded me I still needed to bathe, so I set the tablet (as good a name as any) aside, stripped the rest of my clothes off in record time, glanced in the mirror and-HOLY SHIT! Since when did I have abbs!? I stopped and stared, first in disbelief, then wry amusement. I briefly considered resisting the urge to flex, then realized that was stupid and struck a couple of classic poses. I wasn't ripped, nothing so extreme, but I was definitely in the best shape of my life, especially considering that I'd always been on the small and scrawny side. So this is what Larry meant. I could get used to this.

My obligatory ego-stroking out of the way, I noted the towels hanging on a nearby rack and stepped into the tub. Round handles. The bathtub-shower had round handles, and a shower-head high enough above the ground that I could stand under it comfortably. For a species that had so little knowledge about humans that they had to ask what I was, their tech sure seemed convenient for us. Then again, this is the ambassadors wing: if I actually did see a griffon last night they could just be catering to other species. I turned the water on, and realized to my utter shock that it was the perfect temperature right out of the tap. If this was what magic could do I wanted to learn everything about it. Everything.

Anyway, after getting myself thoroughly wet, I turned around to look for the soap, and saw... my favorite brands of soap, shampoo, and deodorant standing on a nearby shelf. Sticking my head out of the shower in confusion, I spotted a wisp of gray smoke making a hasty exit through the window.

...

That was equal parts sweet, impressive, and creepy, and I had no idea know which emotion to run with. With no obvious answer making itself known, I put it out of my mind and cleaned myself up, ran a brush through my hair in lieu of a comb, then switched back to the cryomancer suit since my clothes were still dirty. After folding them up and placing them on the bed to be dealt with 'later,' my stomach voiced its displeasure at sleeping for twelve hours straight. I turned and headed towards the door to get some food, only to pause as I heard the crunch of paper under my shoe.

I reached down and picked up a letter, made from parchment and sealed with what must have the Equestrian royal crest in red wax. I opened it up and removed a single piece of paper that said... nothing. It was complete gibberish. Well, not totally, it was a rhythmic pattern of symbols I could tell was a written language, but I didn't have the slightest idea what it said. I blinked at it a few times, then began to fold it up so I could ask someone what it meant when a stray glance regained my full attention. The ink was swirling on the page, changing from its previous illegible script to modern English, and read, Come to the main meeting hall on the third floor at 8 A.M. tomorrow morning. Your guard will show you way. Princess Celestia Since the message didn't match the signature I guessed the Princess must have a scribe around here somewhere. It would make sense, after all.

"Oh, Larry," I sing-songed, into the empty room, "Do you by any chance know why I'm suddenly able to read the local language?"

"Because I gave a you an omniversal translator," he replied, sounding somewhat miffed by the question, "What, did you really think the ponies here spoke English? By the way, you're welcome for the bathroom stuff."

My growing anger fizzled out, "Oh, right, thanks. Just let me know the next time you want to do something like this, ok? I really don't like it when people mess with my head, both metaphorically and literally."

"Good to know," he told me, "by the way, I'm pretty sure someone's listening in on us. It's not like we have anything to hide, but you should probably know just in case."

"Honestly, I should have guessed. Thanks for the heads up."

"Anytime."

He winked out.

I sighed ruefully as I opened the door to my room and stepped into the hallway, carefully closing it behind me. I made it precisely two steps before I realized I had no idea where the kitchen was, and turned around to ask the guard for directions. The pegasus, (must be a new guy, when I went to bed it was a unicorn) while not exactly friendly, was at least cordial and took the lead, guiding me through the almost empty palace. A glance at a ornate clock we passed told me why: it was 4:45 A.M. and the morning shift hadn't come in yet. Only the bakers would be up this early, them and people with a wonked out sleep cycle.

Wait. I stopped and sniffed the air curiously. Is that bacon? Bacon!

I jogged past my guard, forcing him to gallop to keep up as I followed my nose into a spacious room lined with stoves and freezers and lit with what were probably magical lanterns. The fatty, salty, heavenly aroma was far stronger here as it was coming from a griddle that was about as wide as I was tall (which is 5'9", last time I checked) and being tended by a thestral. At least, I assumed he was a thestral, since he had bat wings instead of feathers and his fur was a deep indigo that would blend in perfectly on most nights, but the real sign was when he turned around and I got a good look at his cat's-pupil yellow eyes.

"Ah, you must be George," he said in a smooth British accent, that strongly reminded me of a Jame's bond villain, "My name is Candle Light, the night chef, and it's always a pleasure to meet somepony new. Ossy Dee was just telling me about you." He nodded towards a creamy pegasus in a maid's uniform who was moping the corner next to a busted stove as she blushed, squeaked, and tried to make herself as small as possible.

"Don't mind her," he said with a chuckle, "She's like that around everypony she doesn't know. Please, have a seat."

He gestured to a green cushion next to a nice, if plain wooden table/counter, and I sat, noting that this area actually seemed properly designed for pony use. The counters were only two feet off the ground, allowing an adult pony's head to clear them easily, although they still had to stand on their hind legs if they wanted to prod something with a hoof. Interesting.

"Really?" I asked, "What was she saying about me?"

Candle glanced at Ossy, and when it was clear she wasn't going to do anything other than mop at a furious pace and then run out the door like something was going to eat her, said, "Just a few rumors, nothing more and nothing that doesn't sound ridiculous to anypony with even a lick of common sense. I mean, honestly, would the Princess-es allow a Nightmare spirit given physical form to sleep under their roof as an honored guest?" He snorted, "Not likely."

I frowned as I realized just what sort of stories have been spreading about me while I was in la-la land, but before I could think of anything to say, Candle continued, "Don't worry, it's just a bit of gossip. Once ponies get to know the real you the more outlandish tales will disappear on their own. It's happened before, and it will happen again." He shook himself, "Now, if I can't tell when somepony's hungry, I don't deserve my degree. What'll it be, sir? When I say we've got everything, it isn't an exaggeration."

"Um," I pointed at the griddle, "That smells really good. Also, maybe some fruit?"

"Ah, a meat eater huh?" He grinned, giving a grinned look at his fangs as he spoke, "We don't get enough of those in here these days. Just give me a moment."

I tried to relax as he bustled around the kitchen, but found myself failing. Honestly, the idea of being waited on like this was making me nervous. Restaurants were fine, but I found the concept of personal servants distinctly uncomfortable. Sure, they were necessary for some really big houses, but it still put me on edge.

"Here you go sir," Candle said, sliding a plate with some bacon strips and apple and orange slices in front of me, "Enjoy." I thanked him as he placed another plate at the far end of the table and sat down with one of his own. I noticed both of the plates that weren't mine had a side of hay in addition to the meat, and idly wondered just how he'd known that I couldn't digest cellulose.

I shrugged mentally as I picked up a slice of bacon and bit into it, savoring the flavor that I hadn't been able to afford for quite some time. Salted meat was fine in my book, at least the simpler kinds. It was only when you started treating it like a Twinkie that I ran into any problems, a fact I was very grateful for. I mean really, what kind of life doesn't have bacon in it? A sad one, that's what.

Anyway, once I remembered my manners I quickly passed a compliment to Candle for cooking it just right, and he shrugged it off as just doing his job before we tucked in in earnest. I guess it made sense that the chef eats in advance of everyone else. This way he wouldn't be hungry during the rush hour.

As I tossed a slice of apple in my mouth my eyes drifted over to the empty place, and I asked, "Um, excuse me, are we expecting someone?"

Candle waited until he'd swallowed before answering, but before he could say anything the door to the kitchen banged open with a mighty whump and two mares tumbled in to the room, one mercilessly beating the other over the head with a... pillow?

"Surrender, fiend!" bellowed Princess Luna (now that she wasn't moving around as much I recognized her easily), "If thou turnest thyself in we promise the court will be lenient!"

"Never!" shouted back her opponent, a black thestral in a maid's uniform, "We shall fight to the last mare!"

"Then meet thy fate!" shouted Luna, her voice rattling the pans hanging on the walls. He horn glowed and sparked and suddenly she was holding a mountain of pillows, one she quickly buried the mare under to the laughter of everyone in the room, including my own. I always love a good helping of ham.

Luna must not have realized she had an audience, since she looked up in surprise, then blushed heavily and scraped her hoof against the ground, the pillows disappearing as her horn winked out. The maid, noticing the mood shift, grabbed the original pillows, bowed to the princess, and left the room in a hurry. Luna, meanwhile, seated herself at they empty place with a contented oof.

"Ah, good Candle," she said happily as she carefully eyed her plate,"We see thou art settling in well. Are the accommodations to your liking?" She lifted a piece of bacon in her magic and bit into with glee, before freezing and shooting me a nervous look. I could guess what she was thinking, and didn't response, merely lifting my last strip up as I looked at her and slowly biting into it. She got the hint that I didn't care in the slightest and relaxed.

"Of course, Princess Luna," Candle said politely, "You know I've always wanted a kitchen of my own. How could I not be satisfied now that I have one?"

"Well," Luna mused around an orange peel, "The position of night chef is quite new..."

Candle waved her off with a chuckle, saying, "That's not a problem, your highness. I'm happy to serve."

Silence fell for a brief moment, before I said, "I take it you're settling in pretty well, Princess? You seemed to be enjoying yourself earlier."

Luna blushed again (seriously, how does that go through her fur?) as she mumbled, "Mostly. 'Tis, disturbing, realizing just how much the world has changed while thou werest away. We feel we will have much to do in the future to reacquaint ourselves with our subjects."

"Ah, yes, I see," I said, "A thousand years is a very long time to be absent, especially for us fleshlings." Time correction in three, two, one-

Luna sighed, "That it is," she said morosely, poking at her food with a hoof. I blinked and leaned back. She was supposed to correct me on how long she'd been away, not confirm it. Just what the hell had happened back then? However, given Luna's expression I had a feeling that pushing her on this wouldn't get me anywhere at the moment, and changed the subject.

"Say, Princess," I asked gamely, causing her to look up in perplexion, "Now, how do I put this? Of all the new things you've seen since you got back, which one was your favorite?"

She perked up immediately. "The train is most interesting," she said happily, "Using steam to power a machine, such a concept. If we'd had those when Equestria was founded it wouldn't have taken anywhere near as long to travel from city to city! Chariot rides can be such a bore. Why, one time Tia started conjuring a hoard of dragons just to see if she could get the pilots to react!" Luna winced as she laughed, "That got her an extremely irate formal report later, but," she dropped her voice to a stage whisper, "It was completely worth it."

With that, and a bit of prompting on my part, Luna launched into a series of tales of her and Princess Celestia's exploits over the years, leaving all three of us in gales of laughter. Who knew the Princesses would be such practical jokers? Hmm. Maybe that's the best way to help Luna adjust. I knew it wasn't really my responsibility, but watching her spin tales and goof around was way too entertaining for me to care. I wanted to see more of it, and with that in mind, I began forming a plan. Luna would never know what hit her.

All too soon the food was gone, and I grabbed the plates and stuck them in the sink for washing, which Candle said could wait for the day shift. He bid us good night as we left, stating that he would stay up until the day shift arrived. When I asked Luna what that was about, she told me that, apparently, both she and thestrals were nocturnal. Good to know, I guess.

"Well, this has been a most pleasing meeting, Sir George, " Luna said as I smirked at my "title," "We must be off. 'Tis time to lower the moon, and we believe our sister would be most happy that we can join her once again."

I pounced on the opportunity, "Say, Princess," I began, "would you mind if I tagged along and watched? I've always wanted to see it in person." In truth, I just wanted to find out whether they were lying through their teeth, but if it was true I really would like to see. Disguising it as flattery was just a nice bonus.

She mulled it over for a moment, then nodded her head once, "We don't see why not," she said calmly, "Just don't break our concentration. It has been a while since we last performed our royal duties."

"Lead the way, then, your highness," I said with a bow, and she giggled and turned down a side corridor before going up a flight of steps while I followed silently behind her. We got a few odd looks as we passed various staff, and I noticed once again that no one could look me in the eye. Even Princess Luna and Candle hadn't done it for more than a second. Was I really that intimidating, or was something else going on?

I wasn't given any time to puzzle over the problem, though, as we soon arrived at the top of a tower with single massive balcony to find that Princess Celestia was already waiting for us. As I looked around, taking in the extremely fancy decorations that denoted this place as one of great importance, the Princesses managed to have an entire conversation without saying a word about me and whether I could stay. They must have agreed pretty quickly, since Luna told to stay indoors as she and Celestia marched out into the predawn chill.

The night went absolutely quiet, and I listened to my instincts and sat on the floor in a hurry. As one, their horns began to glow, soon becoming to bright to look at directly as the spread their wings and lifted into the air. Then, slowly, breaking reality and making my jaw fall open inch by inch, the moon dropped below the horizon as the sun climbed into the sky, both clearly under the Princesses's power. They could do it. They really controlled them. Holy shit.

"Sir George?" asked Luna, shaking me out of my daze, "Art thou all right?"

"More or less," I said cautiously, "My entire worldview has been shattered, but other than that I'm just peachy." When the Princesses looked confused at my answer, I explained, "On my world the sun and moon rise and fall all by themselves thanks to the natural rotation of the planet. Not only does no one control them, but the mere thought of it is ludicrous. The idea that someone can here is taking some... getting used to."

Ok, if they weren't laughing at me behind those smiles, I had fishlegs: Luna in particular looked about two hairs away from bursting into laughter, so I crossed my eyes and said, "Error, error, does not compute. Emergency reboot required."

That did it. I grinned in triumph as Luna lost her composure, then said simply, "Gotcha."

She froze, then shot me a slowly growing evil smile, "Art thou suggesting what we think thou art?"

I responded by pulling out my ice shooter and freezing the tiles under her hooves, causing her to squeak as she desperately tried to regain her balance, something she only achieved by taking to the air.

"Thou must realize that this means war, correct?" She said with a mock glare.

"Yep." I replied smugly, "May the best man win. Or should I say mare?"

Her eyes narrowed, "Thou art going to regret challenging us, mongrel. We art simply the best there is."

"We shall see," I shot back, some small part of me wondering where the hell she'd learned to reference Homestuck, if it was on purpose, "We shall see."

In Which I Die (Again)
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The Equine and the Immortal

In Which I Die (Again)

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In Which I Make a Bizarre Discovery
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In Which I Make a Bizarre Discovery

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