The Pony Variety Show!

by ArdanBlade

Rating: teen
Tags: Discord, Crossover, Sex, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Other, Romance, Original Character, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random
Length: 63180

Ponies putting on a variety show for everypony and brony else! Beware lots of near-cloppiness!

The lights dim, the stage is set, the ponies are ready! Hilarity, hijinks, and loads of playing around ensue when the Mane 6, Spike, the CMC, Princess Celestia, Dr. and Derpy Whooves, some fun background characters, and a few OCs get tangled up in a crazy theatre show!

Be warned, there's lots of crude humor, cloppiness, and general rambunctiousness! Haters gonna hate, but the show must go on!

Please leave your comments, especially for the next show! I'm looking forward to hearing from all you bronies out there!

Published 2012-05-28 00:34:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-08-11 15:27:53 UTC

Episode 1

The Pony Variety Show!

As you sit in your plush seat, surrounded by crowds of bronies whispering in hushed tones, the lights of the theatre dim, spotlights focus upon the stage, and a tiny purple dragon waddles onto the stage. He pulls out a microphone, taps it a couple of times inducing feedback through the speakers, then begins to speak, glancing off to the right of the stage.

"Testing, one, two. Are we on? Okay good."

"Welcome ladies, gentlecolts, and bronies of all ages, to the Pony Variety Show! I'm your host, Spike the dragon! Today on our first ever episode of PVS, we're gonna have some, ah, interesting pieces for you from the cast here, including Twilight's Gratuitous Fansirvice-"

"WHAT!?!? Nopony told me about this!" Twilight yells from backstage.

"Ahem, as I was saying, Twilight's Gratuitous Fanservice, a duet duel between Pinkie Pie and Sgt. Ramrod of the Ironhoof Century, a segment on Equestrian history with Discord, and a sneak peek behind the scenes of PVS! Also stay after the show to give suggestions for the next PVS with the Cutie Mark Crusaders!"

With a bow, Spike retreats from the stage, bowing the entire way as long red curtains part, revealing the first act.

* * *

As the curtain opens, you're all treated to a large, sexy, white pegasus stallion with a flamboyant black mane and small golden markings over his muzzle. He's laying on his side, his bedroom eyes fixed on a nervous looking lavender unicorn who's being pushed from the right side of the stage.

"I changed my mind, Rarity! I can't go through with this!" Twilight complains, trying fruitlessly to dig her hooves in.

"Nonsense, Twilight! You said you needed a little more stallion in your life, now go out there in front of this huge crowd and make out with that casual acquaintance of yours!" Rarity demands, pushing her friend closer and closer to the stallion.

Seeing all of you ponies and bronies sitting about, staring at her intently, Twilight turns to face all of you, her face lit up like a lightbulb. "Hey everypony! Glad to see you all came out to watch the show…"

"Stop stalling and make out with the guy already!" Somepony shouts from the crowd, eliciting laughter.

"What the hay do you think I'm doing!?" Twilight retorts indignantly.

"Hey Twilight, I know how to put the Sparkle back in, and a few other things too." The white pegasus calls cheerfully.

"Um… you know that fanboys are going to rip you apart for this, right?" Twilight asks her makeout partner.

"Don't worry, they all hate me anyway, I might as well trample all over their feelings too!" He replies, then looks out at all of you. "The name's Thundercloud, by the way. I just so happen to be the best thing that's happened in Equestria since Kinky Pie!"

"Yeah… right." Twilight's voice drips sarcasm. "Listen, if anypony out there wouldn't mind saving me from another clopfic worthy situation, I'd really appreciate it… so… anytime now… please!?!?"

"Time's up!" Thundercloud grins. "Let's make this steamy."

"Don't stare!" Twilight gives you all a murderous look before turning back to the stallion.

As if from above (or just from the obvious audio system) the sweet, sensual voice of Rarity echoes around you, setting the mood as the lights grow dimmer. "Twilight Sparkle has just returned home after a distressful evening where she got tangled up with several Guard ponies. She's still covered in sweat, tired from her ordeal at their hooves, and unsure of what to expect. Isn't it positively luscious!?"

"Rarity! This is hard enough as it is! Now will you get on with it!?" Twilight yells up at the control room you're not supposed to see sitting overhead.

"Oh, you're the one who's going to be getting on with it." Rarity laughs.

"If you don't stop it, I'll… I'll… I'll tell my brother on you!" Twilight retorts.

"Oh yes, please do! I'm sure he'll punish me for my naughty behavior!"

"You're disgusting!" Twilight grimaced at the thought.

"Well at least I'm not putting on a stage show. Have fun!"

"I'll get you back for this!"

"You'll have me on my back for this!? Oh my!" Rarity continues, clearly enjoying the game.

Unwilling to put herself through more ridicule, Twilight storms back over to Thundercloud, a scowl on her face. "You, me, make out, now!"

"I thought you'd never ask!" He responds cheekily. "Now get over here! Clearly you've never been with a proper stallion before!"

Grabbing her, he kisses her passionately, watching her resistance dissolve as she falls into lovesick passion at his every caress, succumbing to his charms so thoroughly that her very will is dominated by his strong grip. Pressing her back to the floor, he leans over her, kissing up and down her neck, tasting the saltiness of sweat glistening on her. Drawing closer, he presses his extremely masculine chest against hers, eliciting passionate moans of delight as she succumbs to his every will.

Standing off to one side, Twilight watches in silent disgust as Thundercloud licks and thrashes against a mop. Looking back at the audience, she shakes her head as he scoots past her, grinding the mop against the floor. "Good thing I took that class on Jedi mind tricks! Look at what he's doing to that poor thing!"

"Oh yeah! Push me babe! Push me hard! You're so wet and stringy!" Locking his lips onto the mop's head, he thrust his tongue through it's tangles. "You taste like… pizza and bubblegum."

"We'll be right back…" Twilight shakes her head, trying to fight the grin that's spreading across her face.

* * *

"Tired of trying to make sense of transduh… transdispens… tranny physics?" A blond maned grey pegasus asks, holding up a book as she glides from stage right. "Then I've got a book for you! Dr. Whooves is an ex-spurt on tranny physics, with lots of experience in the field! He'll explain how to focus on dressing to fit the part, worming through holes, and uh… oh yeah, making out okay!"

"He promises you'll be one hundred percent satisfied!" Grinning proudly to herself, Derpy retreats from the stage. "So how'd I do?"

You hear the thump of a body hitting a wooden floor.

…

…

…

"Doctor? Are you okay?"

* * *

As the curtain raises, a pink pony is standing with her back to the audience, her curly hair bouncing up and down as she moved in time with a jaunty tune. Standing next to her, a large, burly, brown, stallion stands, looking more like he's doing squats than moving with the music. Whirling around, Pinkie Pie faces everypony, breaking out into song.

"Anything you can do, I can do better!"

"What!?" The stallion, Sgt. Ramrod exclaims, a look of confusion on his face.

"Yes I can!" Pinkie sings.

"No you can't." He replies.

"Yes I can!" Pinkie repeats, doing her best not to burst out giggling.

"No. You can't." He grows more irritable.

"Yes I can, yes I can! Heeheehahahaha!" Unable to contain herself any longer, Pinkie starts laughing.

"Look, no matter how good a job you do, I can outperform you." He tries to explain.

"No you're not! Heeheehee!" Pinkie sings, still laughing.

"Wait, that doesn't make any sense!"

"No you're not!"

"Are we even having the same conversation?" He asks flatly.

"No you're not!"

"What do you mean!? You're not making any sense!"

"No you're not!"

"I am making perfect sense! What is wrong with you!?" He shouts

He continues watching her, but she is silent, other than bouncing up and down. Sgt. Ramrod is about to speak when Pinkie Pie cuts him off.

"I can get a sparrow, with a bow and arrow!" Pinkie sings out. Suddenly a bolt of yellow slams into her from above.

"Pinkie Pie, why would you ever want to hurt a sparrow!? That's so cruel!" Fluttershy blurts out.

"Oh that? It's only a song Fluttershy! I wouldn't actually hurt a sparrow!" Pinkie explains happily.

"Oh… um… okay… Just so long as you don't." Fluttershy blushes and retreats from the stage. Sgt. Ramrod watches, his eyebrows brought together in a befuddled expression.

"So can a rat! Heeheeheehahaaahahaha!" Pinkie blurts out, then breaks down in a mirthful fit.

"That's it. I'm done." The frustrated Sergeant stomps off the stage, leaving Pinkie Pie to continue her singing and laughter. The music stops abruptly, sending a squealing through the theatre. Spike quickly emerges, microphone in hand.

"Sorry, we're… ah… having some technical difficulties. Be right back!" He retreats from the stage again. Pinkie Pie can still be heard laughing off behind the curtains. Suddenly three ponies all start shouting, there's a loud crackling, followed by a sharp BANG! For a moment, Applejack stumbles out onto the stage, her hat missing, and scorch marks splayed across the front of her face.

"What in the hay hit me?" She mumbles, then disappears, followed by a CRASH!

"DERPY!" Voices chorus from behind the curtains.

"Oops!"

* * *

A regal white alicorn with a pastel rainbow mane steps out onto the stage. Looking about at all of you, she smiles. "Good evening everypony! Have you ever wanted the vacation of a lifetime? Who doesn't? Ever wanted to travel to exotic places? This one will take your breath away! Always wanted to have that perfect view of the ocean? Well you can see all of them from here! Does this sound exciting to you?"

Princess Celestia leans forward as if preparing to share a secret with you, he eyes growing small as she smiles maniacally. "I'm glad you're all so enthusiastic about this, because since I wasn't cast for anything in this show, you're all taking a one way trip to the moon! Isn't that great!?"

With a burst of magic, you find yourself gasping for breath in the airless confines of space. Your body starts to implode when a second flash goes off, and you find yourself back in your seat.

* * *

"Ugh, would you look at that?" A large, mismatched creature whines from where he's laid out on the stage, looking at all of you. "I'm about to get a proper audience, and what does Celestia do? Sends you all to the moon! Seriously, when was the last time that mare got laid?"

"What's the matter? Is my glorious, godly visage too much for you mere ponies and, eww, what are you things anyway? Even I'm not that twisted!" Discord reels back, staring at all you bronies. "Do any of you even bother bathing? It smells like old pizza in here!"

"Oh, sorry Discord." Twilight says popping her head out from behind the curtain. Her horn glows, lifting the mop from where it rested on the stage.

"Eeeugh!" Discord exclaims, thumbing back after the filly. "Do you have any idea where that thing's been!? …the mop was pretty disgusting too."

"Hey!" Twilight yelled.

"Muhahahaha!" The draconequus laughed uproariously, wiping a tear from his eye. "Oh it always feels so good to laugh at somepony."

"Don't mind getting to the act, it's not like we're gonna die up here!?" Up in one of the private boxes, a pair of old, wrinkled ponies sat, chuckling together.

The second one turned to his companion, his eyes as wide as they could get. "Wait, we're not dying?"

"Nope!" The first one replied. "The way I see it, we died sometime around the first act."

"I thought something smelled funny. Dohohohohoho!" The two ponies fell about laughing in rough, gravelly voices.

"Ha ha, very funny." Discord grumbled. "Why don't you two living fossils give us a lesson in pony history? You've clearly been around long enough!"

"Okay!" The first, a stubby whisp of a pony with a polkadot bow tie replied.

"Why not, it can't be any worse than listenin' to you!" The second pony answered, his white mane quivering as the two of them burst out laughing again. Scowling, Discord vanished in a flash, leaving the old timers to their jokes.

"Well, it looks like we drove him off." Mr. Waddles stated.

"Nah, couldn't be." His companion replied.

"Why is that?"

"I haven't had a driver's license in forty-six years!"

"Dohohohohoho!"

* * *

"Hahuha! Well… didn't see that one coming!" Spike chuckles as he reemerges from the back, mic in hand. "We have a lot of fun here on PVS, and now we'd like to share some of that fun with you, the audience! That's why I'd like to introduce and thank our undercover camera crew," Spike gestures to a pair of changelings holding a video camera, "Bluenose and Yellowbelly for getting us interesting behind the scenes looks at our cast!"

The two changelings promptly start parading about the stage, waving their hooves in the air to the cheers of the audience, until Bluenose, with a sly grin on his face, trips Yellowbelly. The startled changeling squeals as he plunges into the audience, landing on somepony up front. "Eeeheeheeheehee!"

"Ooh! I gonna get 'ee fer that!" Yellowbelly screeches, chasing the laughing Bluenose back behind the curtain. As they pass, a large screen is uncovered by the final curtain. The lights dim, and a video begins to play…

* * *

The video starts, but the screen remains nearly black, with only a few horizontal slits of light glowing in the background. Spike begins to narrate. "It looks like the mare's locker room, I wonder what's gonna happen?"

"Spike! Why do you know what the mare's locker room looks like?" Twilight's voice echoes from backstage.

"Whoops! Gotta go!" Spike disappears, followed by clattering hooves.

On the screen the camera begins to jerk about. "Heeheehee! Here she comes!" A skittery voice giggles.

"Shshhshshshh! Ooh look, she's gonna do it!" The second creaks, happily as the locker door slowly opens and the camera focuses in on the lone rainbow maned pony entering. Looking about furtively, Rainbow Dash makes her way over to a stereo sitting on one of the benches. Grinning to herself, she slips a cd into the player and hits the play button.

"Yeah, yeah

When I walk on by, girls be looking like d*mn he fly!"

Rainbow dash starts bopping to the rhythm as she struts over to her locker.

"I pimp to the beat, walking on the street in my new lafreak, yeah!"

She throws open her locker, her rump shaking to the groove as she fishes out a towel.

"This is how I roll, animal print, pants outta control!

It's Redfoo with the big afro,

And like Bruce Leroy I got the glow!"

Rainbow Dash whips around, snapping the towel like a whip!

"Ahh, girl look at that body!"

Her expression is pure bliss as she throws her hips right and left!

"Ahh, girl look at that body!"

She struts back towards the showers, towel wrapped about her waist!

"Ahh, girl look at that body!"

Whipping the towel off again, she cracks it against against a locker, running one hoof along her flank. "Tssss!"

"Ahh, I work out!"

Continuing her strut, she disappears around the corner. The sound of a shower running begins.

"Ahh, girl look at that body!"

The camera begins to shift rapidly as the giggling pair make their way around the locker room to the shower.

"Ahh, girl look at that body!

Ahh, girl look at that body!"

The view turns about the corner, catching sight of Rainbow Dash once again. She's weaving back and forth under the stream of water, steam billowing up about her as water sops through her mane, making it cling to her!

"Ahh, I work out!"

Rainbow begins turning about in the shower, hooves up.

"When I walk in the spot, yeah, this is what I see, ok!

Everybody stops and they staring at me!

I got a passion in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it, show it, show it, show it!"

Rainbow Dash suddenly freezes, eliciting a gasp from the changeling pranksters. Their panic quickly erupts into barely contained laughter as the unaware pegasus drops to the floor and begins squirming around!

"I'm sexy and I know it!

I'm sexy and I know it!"

* * *

Suddenly the two changelings burst from backstage, Rainbow Dash in hot pursuit with murder in her eyes! "When I catch the two of you, you're both dead!" She screams, sweeping after them! The song continues to play as the flyers whip about the room.

"Yeah, when I'm at the mall, security just can't fight them off!

And when I'm at the beach, I'm in a speedo trying to tan my cheeks, what!"

On the screen, Rainbow Dash is running her hooves up and down herself in a sensual manner. Up above, the real Rainbow is trying to spot Bluenose and Yellowbelly, who have changed themselves into random ponies and hidden amongst the audience to avoid her wrath!

"There's only one way this can end, and it's not gonna be pretty! So get the BUCK out here before I tear this room apart!"

"This is how I roll, come on ladies it's time to go!

We headed to the bar, baby don't be nervous,

No shoes, no shirt, and I still get service, watch!"

"Gaaaah!" Rainbow Dash, unable to endure the humiliation of the video feed any longer, rushes into the back. The screen goes blank just as the rainbow maned pony was reaching for…

"Bahahahahahaaaa!" The two changelings return to their natural form, laughing hysterically.

Spike returns to the stage, looking quite red faced. "Well… ladies and gentlecolts… tha- that was quite a show..!"

"Spike!" Twilight and Rainbow both shout simultaneously!

"Okay gotta go! See you all next time on the Pony Variety Show!" He waves as he beats a hasty retreat from the stage.

* * *

As you, along with all the other ponies and bronies exit the theatre's showing hall, a booth sits before you. Three little fillies are there, each awaiting eagerly as fans approach. The first, a little orange pegasus speaks up. "So, how did you all like the show!? Let us know what you thought in the comments below!"

The second, a yellow earth pony gives you all a big smile. "Y'all make sure ta let us know what ta show next time! The show is fer the audience, so tell us whut sketches we should do too!"

The third, a white unicorn, grins cheekily. "We'd really looove to know what embarrassing stuff you want our camera crews to put up! I know I'm looking forward to some more! Please submit your requests so we can make it happen!"

The three of them chorus as you head out! "Thanks for coming! We can't wait to see you all at the next Pony Variety Show!"

Episode 2

The Pony Variety Show!

Energetic crowds of fans bustle into the theatre, with ponies and bronies alike chuckling and commenting about the last episode. The entire room is alive with activity as stage crew hide scenery behind curtains, lights are adjusted overhead, and the rapid clatter of hooves on wood can be heard backstage. Pinkie Pie peeks through the big red curtains, and starts waving at you all with a big grin on her face. She abruptly disappears when somepony's hoof drags her back.

As everypony is seated, the lights begin to dim, and Spike emerges onto the stage wearing an enormous curly black afro. Tapping the mic once to be sure it's on, the tiny purple dragon begins the show. "Welcome ladies, gentlecolts, and bronies of all ages to the Pony Variety Show! I'm your host, Spike Spiegel, hahaha! First off, I wanna thank all of you for some of the wonderful suggestions and interesting feedback we've seen here on PVS, and send special thanks to Zannpony, who's been in near constant contact with the cast since our first airing!"

"For today's show, we've got 'The Shining' starring our very own Shining Armor!" Derpy holds up a sign with APPLESAUCE in large, bold letters. "A feature request of 'The Sparkle Zone' featuring Dr. Whooves and Derpy!" At the mention of her name, Derpy reemerges holding a sign with CHERRY written on it. Spike pauses to fumble with his note cards, which end up all over the stage.

"One moment please!" The tiny dragon asks as he picks up the stray cards.

"Why's that little dragon leaning over?" Asks Geri Fore, the taller of the oldsters up in the viewing box.

"Oh really? With those stubby legs, I thought he'd just rolled onto his face!" Mr. Waddle replied sarcastically.

"Dohohohohoho!" The box erupts in laughter.

Standing back up, Spike glares at the jokesters before resuming his reading. "Our third act will be… wait really? Big Macintosh is going to do a piece? Well okay, if that's what you all wanted." Derpy reappears again, this time holding up an EXIT sign. Spike raises an eyebrow at her before turning his attention back to you. "Of course, no show would be complete without a sneak peek behind the scenes with our very own delinquent duo, Bluenose and Yellowbelly!" Derpy emerges from stage right, holding up a sign that says EAT AT JOES in bright neon letters. Spike stares for a moment. "Where did you even get that!?"

The curtain falls and hooves clatter as the stage is set for act one, The Shining 'Armor'!

* * *

The curtains flow open revealing a bedroom on the right side of the stage, leading to a bathroom with a locked door, which has a small window leading to a snow covered night outside. Princess Cadence has her head stuck out the window, and is looking down at Spike, who's standing in the snow staring up at her. As the scene begins, Twilight's voice resounds softly from overhead.

"Trapped high upon a mountain in a vast, snow covered lodge, 'John' Armor," Shining Armor pokes his head out from behind the curtains on the left and smilies nervously at the crowd, "has gone mad! With axe in hoof, he hunts his wife and son through the hotel, with strange thoughts running through his sick mind."

At this, Cadence begins her lines, which she reads slowly, her eyes roving back and forth over a cue card on the right side of the stage. "Oh no Spi- I mean Danny! I seem to have gotten stuck and can not escape! Run while you still can!" She puts a dramatic hoof on her forehead, then looks over and smiles at all of you.

"Psst! Cadence!" Rarity whispers from behind the scenery. "Don't look at the audience, and try to sound more convincing!"

"Oops!" Cadence whispers back. "Sorry!"

At that moment, Shining 'John' Armor comes out from the left side of the stage, his mane made stringy, and a five o'clock shadow dyed onto his chin. He advances imperiously on the door, puffs his chest up, and begins delivering his lines in a nervous, wavering voice. "Come out, come out, wherever you are."

As Cadence struggles again to squeeze through the all too small window, Shining Armor calls again. "Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in!" Cadence squeezes back through the window. She hurries over to the door, leans against the wall next to it, smiling like a clown and repressing a fit of giggles. Just behind Spike, you see Rarity facehoof, shaking her head.

"Not by the hair on your chinny chin chin?" Shining Armor asks, then lets his voice grow stern. "Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in!"

He lifts the hefty fireman's axe, and buries it in the door with a resounding thud! Cadence squeals, more in delight than fear. Shining Armor promptly drops the axe and leans up against the door. "Are you alright Cadence!? I didn't hurt you did I!?"

"I'm fine silly, you're messing up the scene!"

He breathes out a sigh, looking embarrassed as the crowd starts laughing. "Oh, okay then."

Behind the curtain you hear a gentle thudding as Rarity beats her head into the wall, while Spike stands there, repressing a huge grin.

Shining Armor begins beating at the door with the axe, cutting chunks away from the wood. In response, Cadence continues to scream, though she doesn't seem to have a problem chuckling under her breath between each gasp. Finally, the reluctant Guard pony busts a wide hole in the door. Dropping the axe, he leans his head through and gives his best scary face.

"Here's Shining!" He calls, eyeing Cadence, who promptly covers her mouth to stifle a giggle.

Pulling his head back, he reaches a hoof into the bathroom, struggling to unlock the door. With an all to cheerful grin, Cadence lunges forward, sinking her teeth into his leg! Shining Armor yowls in surprise, pulling his hoof back, slamming the still biting Cadence's face into the door.

"Oww!" She squeaks, letting go of her husband's hoof and feeling her face.

On the edge of panic, Shining Armor races around the front of the stage to her. "Cadence! Are you okay!? I am so sorry!"

Smiling she grins up at him, one eye starting to swell shut. "I'm fine you silly goof! You're not supposed to be in here though!"

"I… I know… I just can't do this…" Looking up at the control box above the audience, he frowns. "I'm sorry Twilight. I didn't mean to mess things up like this." He turns back and kisses Cadence's nose.

Suddenly an odd clatter can be heard backstage… A clicking sound, then the rev of a chainsaw..! Suddenly the bathroom wall starts to disintegrate as the whirling blade mauls the flimsy stage board! Looking back, the couple's eyes grow wide! Peering through the gap is a bizarre leather mask, hiding a pair of adorable blue green eyes!

"I'm so sorry everypony, but the show has been cancelled." Fluttershy's voice whispers, just a bit too raggedly… The chainsaw blade starts hacking through the wall again, ripping the scenery apart!

"Fluttershy got into the caffeine again! EVERYPONY RUN!" Pinkie Pie yells from backstage!

In a sudden burst of panic, ponies and bronies flee towards the back exit, struggling to escape as the murderous ball of adorable, chainsaw wielding madness comes tearing through the stage! You find yourself jostled about amidst screams, unbearably cute, maniacal laughter, and the roar of screeching metal death!

* * *

Slowly but surely the crowd gathered once again in the theatre, several seats in the front row replaced by folding chairs, and splinters of wood disbursed liberally through the room. One section of chairs was even inverted, attached to the ceiling by no visible means. Spike steps out onto the stage, mic in hand. "Sorry about the delay everypony! Don't worry, the SWAT teams have the situation well under control!" Silent stares greet the worried announcer, who continues his narration nervously. "Since we've normalized the situation, let's get on with PVS shall we?"

"Ahem." He begins slowly, reciting the haunting lines in a flat, emotionless voice as an eerie sound begins to play in the background. "You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind; a journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's the signpost up ahead." Spike's narration cut off as as his eyes caught sight of a sign shaped like a star sticking up from behind the curtain, with TWILIGHT SPARKLE written upon it. Recovering from his surprise, the baby dragon continues his narration. "Uh… oookay… Your next stop, the Twilight Zone."

The lights suddenly drop to black, hiding everything in a cowl of darkness. Then before you all a swirling pattern of purple, glowing magic begins to spin. Twilight's voice resounds from the stage as she steps through the curtains her horn glowing. "Imagine a world, if you will. A world without magic or guiding principles to help everypony. A world, without HARMONY!"

"Uh, Twilight? Isn't that just… like anywhere else?" Spike's disembodied voice asks.

"Spiiike! You're ruining the moment!"

"Jeez, sorry…" Spike complains at the prissy pony.

"As I was saying, a world without harmony! Dr. Whooves and Derpy emerge from the Tardis, thinking them safely back in Ponyville. Little do they know, they have entered the Twilight Zone."

As she speaks the last line, the lights come back up, revealing a stage prop Ponyville. Several ponies are walking about aimlessly. Then a large blue cardboard box with PLEEZE BOX written on it in crayon walks in on brown hooves. The box thuds down, nearly falls over, then rights itself. Dr. Whooves emerges, brushing the back of his head in embarrassment.

"Sorry for the cheap prop everypony! The real Tardis is broken…" His eyes lower and his voice grows flat. "…again."

Derpy promptly zips out next to him, the bubbly pony's eyes crossing comically. "It wasn't my fault this time!"

"Well no, no it wasn't…" Dr. Whooves replies. "So where are we exactly?"

"We're on the stage, silly!" Derpy giggles.

"That's not your line!" Twilight hisses from behind the curtain.

"Oh, okay!" The googly-eyed pegasus replies.

"It would seem we are back in Ponyville! Finally, after all of our adventures, we can finally relax!" Dr. Whooves laughs, gesticulating dramatically.

"Umm… what does gest… gestic… what does that word mean?" Derpy asks, pointing at the last sentence.

"Dear, we shouldn't be breaking the fourth-" Dr. Whooves pauses, thinking about this for a moment. "Well technically it isn't the fourth wall, since you're not referring to the audience, but to the text the audience is being conveyed through, in order to clarify their perceptions… So you'd be speaking in awareness of an alternate reality that views ours as fiction and is reading it right-"

"Enough already!" Twilight yells, then calms herself. "Do you mind getting back into the alternate reality on the stage? Pleeeeaaaase?"

"Oh yes, of course… My apologies.." Dr. Whooves replies distractedly, counting invisible fingers as he continues to try to decide what level of universe the readers are to be referred to as being present in.

"So anyways!" Derpy calls in an attempt to reseat the story. "Oh my! Why were you so rude to me!?" She practically shouts at Lyra, who is walking up to her.

"What..? But I haven't even done my part yet." Lyra replies in confusion as Derpy suddenly flies away, pretending to cry with all of her might!

Twilight rushes onto the stage, a series of notes floating with her as she calls after the overzealous pegasus. "Derpy wait! We haven't even gotten to the part where we analyze the intangible yet ever present power of morals on a society versus the more direct, harmful effects of living a selfish existence! Come back!"

"So if we take into account that there is a universe inside a universe where we are putting on a skit portraying yet another universe… Of course! This is merely a recursive reality! Derpy, I know what you just… Oh, were we supposed to be getting back to the story?" The Doctor ends his speculations, realizing that a very frustrated Twilight Sparkle is glaring at him.

"Aaagh!" With a frustrated yell, the unicorn's notes go flying in every direction as she trots off the stage.

"Well somepony has a bit of a temper, doesn't she?" He asks you, then turns and follows after her. "So what is your opinion on this recursive reality?"

Spike scrambles onto the stage, looking a bit flustered. "Sorry about the act folks! We'll be back in a moment!" The red curtains fall.

* * *

Suddenly a puff of smoke erupts, filling the stage. As it begins to clear, you see Princess Luna standing before a podium. Next to her, Discord grins mischievously, his hands folded behind his back. Patriotic trumpeting begins to play on the audio system as Luna speaks.

"CITIZENS! PONIES AND BRONIES ALIKE! WE ARE HERE TO ANNOUNCE OUR INTENTION OF RUNNING IN THE ELECTION FOR RULER OF EVERYTHING! DISCORD HAS GRACIOUSLY OFFERED TO BE OUR VICE-RULER, AND WILL BE RUNNING WITH US!

From behind the curtain, Twilight's face goes pale. "Wait, what is she doing!? She can't do that! Spike, why is she running against Princess Celestia!? ON OUR SHOW!?"

Spike looks over at her for a second, then replies calmly. "Well, you said anypony could put up any commercial interruption they wanted, so long as it met PVS guidelines for submission. Princess Luna wanted to do a campaign rally, so she is."

"Oh nonononono! This is not good!" Twilight trots back and forth, one moment ready to lunge onto the stage, the next about to head for the control room. "What if Princess Celestia is upset!? What if she banishes ALL OF US to the moon!? We can't just let her go on with this, and with Discord as a running partner, no less!"

"Well why can't we? Isn't that the Princess' problem?" Spike asks.

Out on the stage, Luna continues her campaign speech. "IF ELECTED, WE SHALL CREATE POLICY TO END THE OPPRESSION OF OUR SUBJECTS! NOPONY WILL BE GIVEN ANY SENTENCE OF BEING TURNED TO STONE, SENT TO THE MOON FOR A THOUSAND YEARS, OR BACK TO MAGIC KINDERGARTEN! FURTHERMORE WE SHALL INCLUDE AN ALL CHOCOLATE RAIN POLICY, AND ENSURE SWEETS AT EVERY MEAL TIME!" The Cutie Mark Crusaders start cheering and whooping from the back of the room at the announcement!

"OUR VICE-RULER OF EVERYTHING WILL NOW SPEAK!" Luna announces, backing from center stage. The draconequus steps up to the podium.

"Thank you, Princess." He bows politely, then turns to the audience, turning the podium into a cheeseburger as he leans upon it. "It is my distinct honor to accept this invitation to become Vice-Ruler of Everything. As such, I want to publicly assure you that I won't be ruining all of your lives completely. In fact, I have several innovative policies in mind that will improve the lives of ponies everywhere! For example, isn't it tiring to trot about on your hooves all day? I say yes, it is! That's why when I'm in charge, I'll give you all a brony, complete with milking kit, for your very own to ride on."

"I also think that the economy is a mess, and want to revise it to an entirely mud based system. After all, there's no way to simply possess all of the mud, and if somepony tries to hoard it all to themselves, it'll dry out and become worthless dirt! I'm telling you the mud-based economy will revolutionize the way you pay for things!"

"With that, we feel it best that you decide whether to have us instead of a ruthless dictator ruling over you! Soon enough, Celestia will be out of office, and my master plan will be complete! Muhuahahahaha!" Discord laughs, rubbing his mismatched limbs together. Looking up, he holds out his limbs and puts a huge grin on his face! "Luna and Discord, 2012!"

Another poof of magic consumes them leaving the stage clear once again.

* * *

As the curtain drifts open, you see the empty stage, fully illuminated, and occupied only by narrow round table with a basket of apples atop of it. From the right side of the stage, a large red draft pony plods slowly, to the table. With his teeth, he picks up one of the big, red, round fruits, and begins munching.

Munch, munch, munch… gulp.

Munch, crunch… gulp.

Crunch, munch, munch… gulp.

Having finished the apple, he looks out at everypony staring at him. "Eeyup."

The crowd bursts out in cheers! Ponies are pounding their hooves as bronies whoop, jumping up and down all about the room! Some of them are even leaning on each other's shoulders, crying tears of joy at the incredible spectacle as the room is swept up in ecstasy! Many are completely silent amongst the masses, their mouths agape as they stare in wonder at what they just witnessed, their eyes shining like stars! Above the audience, the two old ponies shout out their delight!

"Bravo!" Geri Fore's voice rings above the crowd!

"Bravo, bravissimo!" Mr. Waddle joins the call!

"Encore! Encore!" They both shout, waving their hooves at the stage!

"That was spectacular!" Geri Fore says to his companion, elated with what he saw!

"Stupendous!" His shorter companion replies, equally thrilled!

"Utterly genius!" Geri yells!

"Absolutely brilliant!" Mr. Waddles agrees!

"I don't get it." Geri suddenly stops, staring at his friend.

"Me either." Mr. Waddles returns the look.

"Dohohohohoho!" They both burst out laughing as the curtains sweep down, hiding Big Macintosh, who is reaching for another apple.

* * *

"Well that was… interesting." Spike stares back behind the stage left curtains as he steps out. The sound of munching can still be heard. "Anyway, as always, PVS is never a dull place, and these two make sure of it!"

The two troublemaking changelings, Bluenose and Yellowbelly, flit from backstage on their gossamer wings, waving clasped forehooves in the air. Spike continues his narration. "Our hidden camera crew can go anywhere and do anything to find you, our viewers, the funniest moments behind the scenes of PVS! Today, we've got a private scene out of one of the staff's most… passionate moments." Spike raises his eyebrows, grinning slyly at the audience.

As the crew abandons the stage, the curtain sweeps back, revealing a massive screen. The lights dim all about you as the screen grows brighter and the film begins to play.

* * *

The scene starts dark, showing the hall backstage. The faint skittering sound of insectoid chuckles echo in the empty hall. The camera turns, showing a door with a star. TWILIGHT SPARKLE is printed on the star in bold letters, a sign you're sure you seen earlier in the show. Silently, the door comes open, revealing a glimpse of the room. Everything is black, save for the computer screen illuminated outline of Twilight, sitting at her desk. The lavender pony is holding a tissue, whimpering softly as she watches the screen raptly.

"You're marrying him?" A masculine voice asks from the computer's speakers.

"I can't believe you'd do that to my sexy hunk of manmeat!? Bella you're so mean!" Twilight moans through tears. The screeching giggles nearly burst as the two pranksters zoom the camera closer.

"Jake I-" The voice of Bella Swan comes this time.

"You don't deserve him, traitor!" Twilight's voice grows anxious with indignation.

"You knew he was listening!" Bella sounds hurt.

"He deserves to know." Edward explains.

"He didn't deserve any of this, you monster! You're just out to hurt him!" Twilight practically yells at the screen, gripping it with both hooves!

"Jake stop!" She calls after him.

"Bella, let him-" Edward starts, but is cut off by the angry girl.

"Don't!"

"Does she really care..?" Twilight whispers to herself, scooting back into her chair again as she squeezes a Jacob plushie to herself.

"Jake stop!"

"Come on, Jacob… Listen! Get her to change her mind!" The unicorn leans closer to her monitor, the light catching tears crawling down her face.

"Jake please!"

"I'm done… I'm so done..!" Jacob responds.

"W-w-what can I do?" Bella begs.

"You can't do anything, I can. Like going out there and killing something!" The angst ridden werewolf says sharply.

"No! You're not thinking clearly! Don't do that!"

"Oh my delicious hunk of manmeat! You can come hunt me! Hunt me please!" Twilight's voice descends to a moan again as she stares fixed on the screen, her eyes drooping seductively.

"Well maybe I'll get myself killed and make it simple for you."

"No!" Twilight and Bella yell simultaneously. Twilight all but throws herself onto the screen, as if trying to embrace the fictional character.

"Just… Jake, stay…"

"Why? Give me one good reason…"

"Because I don't wanna lose you!"

"Please Jake, don't turn away now! You can make it right!" Twilight pleads, her voice dropping to a whisper. Unable to handle themselves any longer, the two pranksters burst out laughing, their skittering giggles surprising their victim, who tries to whirl about in her seat, arms extended to cover the screen. She overbalances, and with a cry of dismay, tumbles to the floor with a crash! "Woooaaaah! Ow!"

The camera suddenly jerks away as the twin troublemakers make a hasty retreat from the scene of their antics, laughing uproarously!

* * *

The screen goes dark and the lights come up. Spike stumbles out onto the stage, uncontrolled mirth sending the tiny dragon into cheerful spasms! "Hahuh huhuhuhuhahaha! Wow, Twilight! I had no idea you were into being hunted!"

"Shut up Spike!" Twilight hisses from behind the curtain through clenched teeth, glaring daggers at her assistant!

"Oh, and that line about 'making it right'! Priceless! Hahahaha!" Spike continues the ribbing, turning the embarrassed unicorn red and forcing her withdraw from the stage.

"Oh hey, Twilight!" Pinkie Pie calls cheerfully. "I had no idea you liked that movie too!" The clatter of hooves can be heard as Twilight retreats, followed by the chattering pink pony.

"Well, that's it for this week's show! I'm your host, Spike the dragon! Come join us next time for the Pony Variety Show!

* * *

As the press of the crowd makes it's noisy way out of the theatre, you see the requests booth sitting waiting, the Cutie Mark Crusaders all eagerly staring up at you. Scootaloo speaks up first. "So, are you here to make a request for next week's show!?"

"We could really use your help with suggestions!" Sweetie Belle flutters her eyelashes at you as she tries to draw you in with an adorable smile.

"Otherwise, we maht hafta take more time doin' the show!" Apple Bloom finishes, and the three scoot up next to each other, all of them giving you a big, please help us out smile.

Upon leaving your suggestions, ideas, and comments on the show, you make your way amongst the still giggling ponies and chuckling bronies out into the warm, sunny day.

Episode 3

The Pony Variety Show!

The excitement of the theatre is practically tangible as crowds of excited ponies and bronies bustle through the doors, searching for their seats as the stage crew goes about their last preparations before the show. Spotlights sweep across the stage as Derpy attempts to get them focused upon the stage, yet continually misses, blinding random people in the audience. Pumpkin and Pound Cake come crawling through the big red curtains, giggling happily as they are pursued by a flustered looking Scootaloo.

"Come back here, you rogues!" She squeaks in frustration, then leaps at Pumpkin Cake, only to find herself floating away in a bubble of magic. The twins nearly escape, only to be caught by the other crusaders as they head for the edges of the stage.

"Gotcha!" Apple Bloom exclaims, holding tight to the wriggling Pumpkin Cake.

"Now come on Pound Cake. We need to get backstage. Ow!" Sweetie Belle takes a rattle to her eye as she hefts the baby foal off into the back again.

Finally things settle as ponies and bronies alike scoot into their seats, the lights slowly dim, and the curtains roll back. Spike steps out from behind the curtain and waddles to center stage. He taps the mic, sending a loud popping out over the speakers.

"Testing, one two, one two." The little dragon clears his throat, then begins singing as the tune of 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' echoes over the audio system.

"What is this song all about?

Can't figure any lyrics out.

How do the words to it go,

I wish you'd tell me, I don't know."

Spike's voice is quickly replaced by several others, all chanting in song.

"Don't know, don't know, don't know. Oh no.

Don't know, don't know, don't know. Oh no."

Spike begins again.

"Now I'm mumblin' and I'm screamin',

An' I don't know, what I'm singin'!"

The music quickly fades, followed by a series of giggles from backstage. Spike glances behind himself, going a little red. "Sorry about that folks. I, uh, I kinda lost a bet." He explains, then quickly shifts gears. "Okay, so on with the show! First, I'd like to again thank special contributor, Zannpony, and all our wonderful fans who sent in suggestions, good, bad, or just plain weird! We here at the Pony Variety Show! appreciate your support!"

"Today's show will feature Twilight and Trixie, duking it out in true pony fashion. With a MAGICAL BATTLE! After that, we've got several requests for Discord to give us his rendition of 'Discord', followed by a 'Back to the Future' parody! As always, the show will be finishing off with our signature replay of last week's antics by our very own camera specialists, Bluenose and Yellowbelly!"

As Spike exits the stage, you can see several unicorns in the background, casting spells upon the stage before the curtain falls. Anticipation starts to build as the first act is prepared.

* * *

As the curtain raises, you see two ponies approaching each other upon the stage. The contender on the left, Twilight Sparkle, draws in a slow breath as she eyes her competition with consternation. Trixie, on the other hand (or hoof) seems to have no such reservations, and is primping her hair as she trots up into the spotlight.

"Alright ladies, gentlecolts, and bronies of all ages, let's get ready for the fight! The rules are simple! The first pony to render the other incapable of using magic or unwilling to cast a spell is the winner! Oh, and by the way, if you two do any damage, the writer says he's taking it out of your paychecks." Spike explains from the control box high overhead.

"The Great and Powerful Trixie needs no explanation! She will show that miserable wretch, Twilight Sparkle, who owns her flank!" Trixie announces, glaring at Twilight.

"Hey! Don't go talking dirty! We're trying to keep the show age appropriate!" Twilight retorts angrily. "Do you have any idea how many kids watch this!?"

Trixie looks out at all of you, squinting her eyes. "Are the children the ones with the big boobs?"

Twilight flushes with embarrassment at the statement. "Uh, no! Those are women… well… some of them anyway."

"Girls wait!" Rarity yells, hurrying onto the stage with a bundle of leather straps and saddles in her hooves. "You forgot your fighting uniforms!"

"Rarity, I told you we're not wearing those!" Twilight hisses, squinting at the fashionista.

"But they look so good on you!" Rarity pouts, fluttering her eyelashes.

"They look like bondage accessories!" Twilight yells back.

"Oh, is that so?" Trixie asks, raising an eyebrow at the load of straps in Rarity's hooves.

"No, no, NO! We are not wearing them!"

"Why don't we ask the audience what they think?" Rarity suggests, trying her best to look innocent.

"Ah… uh… but we can't!" Twilight stammers. "The polls are broken today, so we can't get clear feedback!"

"Oh pish posh!" Rarity exclaims, then turns to you all. "Do you want these two lovely young fillies to be wearing their sexy battle harnesses for the match?"

The crowd around you starts cheering wildly, many of them waving hands and hooves in the air. Somepony starts chanting, until the whole room erupts in loud yells of support for the awkward leather outfits!

"Fine… Let's just get this over with!" Twilight moans as Rarity's face spreads into a huge grin. Twilight hisses at the fashion happy pony. "That's two I owe you."

"We'll see about that." Rarity whispers back with a devilish smile as she tightens the saddle and 'protective' athletic straps onto her friend.

Trixie peers around Rarity to get a good look at the outfit, then bursts out laughing at the sight! Twilight is practically trussed up by all of the tight black leather restraints, grumbling around a bit in her mouth. Rarity turns her eyes to the blue unicorn, who is rolling on her back with laughter.

"Your turn dear!" She calls cheerfully, drawing a fearful glance from Trixie.

"The Great and Powerful Trixie will never agree to such barbaric attire! She will wear her cape and hat!" Trixie replies.

"Oh no you won't! I still owe you for turning my mane green!" Rarity answers, her horn glowing.

"Beshides, you sheemed to sthink it wash a good idea for me to wear thish, sho you're wearing it too!" Twilight manages around the obstructive mouth bit, grinning at the now backpedaling Trixie. Her horn's glow joins Rarity's, hoisting the unfortunate showoff into the air!

"No! You can not do this to The Great and Powerful Trix- Aaaah!" The struggling, inverted unicorn complains as her struggles are met with leather straps and restraints that squeeze her as her hat and cape are flung across the stage! After much flailing, she is deposited roughly back onto the stage, now similarly bound to Twilight.

Trixie looks about at the audience, tears filling her eyes. "Zhe Greath an' Powerful Thrixie will… will… Aaaaagh!" With that, Trixie bursts into tears at her humiliation, rushing from the stage.

"Worth it?" Rarity asks Twilight with a smile.

"Worth it." Twilight responds, doing her best to smile around the bit.

Spike peeks out from around the curtains, staring at the two ponies, a checklist in hand. "If only Rarity were wearing… Oh! I, uh… Magical fight between Twilight and Trixie? Check! Pony bondage outfits? Check!" He looks out at all of you. "We'll be right back everypony!"

The curtain falls.

* * *

As everypony sits there waiting for the next act, a brilliant light suddenly glows across the stage! A pony in the front row starts screaming! "My eyes! My eyes! I'm blind!"

The light vanishes as quickly as it came, leaving you all staring at the regal form of Princess Celestia, a podium in front of her, with large, patriotic posters announcing 'Celestia/Cadence 2012' hanging about on the curtains. A patriotic tune begins sounding over the speakers as the Princess begins to speak.

"My fellow ponies and bronies, have I not been a fair and just ruler? Is there really so much distrust that you all feel I am no longer qualified to rule, as I have for millennia? I ask you all to reconsider this foolishness that I am certain Discord has talked my foalish little sister into!" Celestia pauses, looking back at the curtains. She whispers, but her mic keeps it going over the sound system. "Cadence! Psst! Cadence! Why do I have to get everypony to like me again?"

Cadence's head pops out from behind the curtain, and she whispers something back. Apparently it takes a long time, and she seems to be ranting, but you can't quite make out what she's explaining to the Princess. With a sigh, Celestia turns back to face you all. As she does, Cadence smiles evilly, her eyes flashing green as her horn glows. The posters quickly roll up, revealing new ones that display 'Chrysalis and Pinkie Pie 2012' upon them.

Celestia speaks again. "If elected as Ruler of Everything, I promise longer days, less harsh punishments for minor infractions, and to not troll or molest my subjects! Furthermore, I will commit to rebuilding our economy by ending frivolous human spending! Politicians who can not stay in budget will be sent to the moon!"

"Lastly, I want to thank you all for hearing my proposals, and for all of the wonderful support of my campaign manager, Twilight Sparkle!" Celestia gestures to the curtains, where a bashful Twilight peers out at the crowd with an embarrassed smile.

"Thank you all for hearing me out, and I hope to see you all voting for me on election day!" Celestia finishes, then in a second brilliant flash, disappears along with all of the campaign props.

* * *

The curtains sweep open again, this time revealing an impossibly long waterfront, with concrete walkways along a river stretching off into the distance. Ponies and bronies are walking up and down it, some so far off they should be further than the back wall of the theatre. Standing in the middle of the stage, a tall frail figure awaits, wearing a white hoodie covering his variety of mismatched horns, claws, and eyes. As a thrumming beat begins, Discord begins walking towards the audience, but instead of coming closer, the pier moves further back as he strides forward.

"I've always been a fan of puppeteers and I've a nagging fear,

That I haven't been pulling enough strings!

Something great is going down through the entire town,

Wreaking anarchy and all it brings!"

As he strolls along, he looks towards a brony leaning on the rail of the walkway. With a quick snap of his claws, Discord summons a rather infatuated looking Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie with a flash. The two jump onto the brony, nuzzling and kissing him, which brings an euphoric look onto his face!

"I can't sit idly, no, I had to move it all,

I love the name, I'm the one behind it aaall!

As quickly as they came, the two ponies once again disappear, leaving the brony looking about in confusion. Suddenly a girl, presumably the girlfriend of the brony walks up to him, her face livid! She raises her purse, slapping the brony repeatedly as she yells at him!

"Discooord! I'm howlin' at the moon,

And sleepin' in the middle of a summer afternoon!

Discooord, whatever should I do,

To make this world a place to plaaaay!?"

The couple continue yelling at each other, their fury unspent. The woman hefts up her purse again, not seeing that it has turned into a large halibut. She swings, striking the brony with the fish, and sending him over the rail into the water below! Still upset, she storms off, leaving him flailing in the water.

"Discooord, you are my prey I know,

A stepping stone for me to take back my throne!

Discooord, this is what chaos is for,

Now I'm back to staaaay!"

As the god of chaos and disharmony continues walking up the concrete, he spots Apple Bloom and Granny Smith talking cheerfully. They seem to be having a pleasant conversation! Grinning, the draconequus snaps his claws as he walks by. Suddenly a censored bar flashes over Apple Bloom's mouth, eliciting a horrified reaction from Granny Smith. She starts chiding the younger pony, only to have a censored bar flash across her own mouth. Apple Bloom's expression goes wide with shock, then she starts yelling back. Soon the two are screaming uncontrollably at each other, censored bars flashing across their mouths at irregular intervals. Discord continues his strut, smiling as he eyes back at the arguing ponies.

Up ahead, Octavia is leaning against the rail, playing her cello, her eyes closed in concentration. Next to her, leaning jauntily against the rail, Vinyl Scratch is bobbing her head to the rhythm, a smile on her face. Discord grins as he approaches, whispering something in Vinyl's ear as he passes, snapping his claws. The massive form of the bass cannon appears behind the now grinning Vinyl Scratch.

"I'm fine with changing the status quo, and I love letting go,

Now the world is being torn apart,

A terrible catastrophe played by your symphony,

What a terrifying work of art!"

Vinyl turns and slaps the button on her bass cannon, sending a wave of thundering sound into her friend! The sound wave smashes the cello into the rail, tearing the fine instrument apart! Enraged, Octavia begins screaming at the top of her lungs, throwing herself at the surprised Vinyl Scratch! As the two ponies fight, Discord continues to strut, opening his arms wide to the sky.

"I can't sit idly, no, I had to move it all,

I love the name, I'm the one behind it aaall!

Discooord! I'm howlin' at the moon,

And sleepin' in the middle of a summer afternoon!

Discooord, whatever should I do,

To make this world a place to plaaaay!?"

As the draconequus continues down the pier, all of the ponies he left in various states of chaos behind him continue their fighting, lost to the joke he had played upon each of them!

"Discooord! I'm howlin' at the moon,

And sleepin' in the middle of a summer afternoon!

Discooord, whatever should I do,

To make this world a place to plaaaay!?

Discooord, you are my prey I know,

A stepping stone for me to take back my throne!

Discooord, this is what chaos is for,

Now I'm back to staaaay!"

As the last notes settle, Discord bursts into raucous laughter as the curtains fall, hiding the chaotic scene beyond.

* * *

Spike steps out onto the stage, holding his mic. "Woah! That was really awesome! How'd he do that anyway?"

The little dragon peeks behind the curtain, scratches his head, then returns his attention to you. "Ah, whatever. Anyways, we want to give a shout out to The Living Tombstone, Eurobeat Brony, and Ohaimby for the wonderful song and video! We had loads of fun parodying it! Well, Discord did anyway! Next up is Back to the Future, right after a word from our sponsor!"

As Spike disappears, a tan earth pony with a businesslike blond haircut steps onto the stage. He is wearing a shirt collar with a black tie, and his cutie mark appears to be a shower curtain. Clearing his throat, he begins speaking in an sharp, clipped manner.

"Cave Johnson here. I've heard reports that there is a lot of business for the new Portal Gun amongst this particular demographic, so I wanted to come address this myself. At this time, we at Aperture Science are working on a mass-produced model of the popular Portal Gun, and are looking for volunteers to test it. There have been a few bugs with portals taking different bits of people through different portals, but that shouldn't be much of a problem. Our top scientists are already working out the bugs."

He pauses to think. "Perhaps using beetles might not have been the best conductor for the power modulator. No matter. The upside of the program, you'll get twenty bucks out of the deal. Just imagine what you'll be able to do with twenty big ones just waiting to be spent. We'll have signup sheets at the exit booths for anyone interested."

With that, Cave Johnson exits the stage.

* * *

As the red curtain draws back you see an open mall parking lot, where Rainbow Dash comes rolling along on a skateboard. She's holding a video camera in her hoof, looking about as she rolls up next to a sign labeled 'Twin Pines Mall'. A clock built into the sign announces that it's 1:16 AM. Somewhere off in the back, you hear Scootaloo squeal with delight.

Looking out across the lot, Rainbow spots a large white truck sitting alone in the otherwise vacant space. On the side of the vehicle, the words 'Dr. E. Hooves Enterprises' is printed in big letters. Picking up her skateboard, Rainbow heads over to the vehicle.

As she approaches, she spots Winona, who is sitting patiently, staring up at the truck. Rainbow Dash pats the border collie as she kneels next to the smaller animal. "Winona! Hey Winona, where's the Doc, girl? huh?"

A loud, electronic humming begins emanating from the truck as the tailgate lowers slowly towards the ground. Rainbow Dash rises slowly to her hooves, watching as a heavily modified Delorean rolls backwards from the truck, humming as it pulls back next to the curious pony. The gull wing door on the left side springs open, emitting a thick cloud of fog from the interior of the vehicle. Dr. Whooves emerges from the smog with an almost bewildered look on his face. His mane has been messed up and dyed white, a lab coat pulled over his body. He turns about as Rainbow Dash approaches him, calling out.

"Doc!"

"Rainbow McFly, you made it!" Dr. Whooves exclaims with a smile. He waves his hooves, gesturing at the vehicle. "Welcome to my latest experiment, the one I've been waiting for all of my life!"

"Ah well it's a car of some kind, what'd you do with it?"

"Stay with me Rainbow. All of your questions will be answered. Roll tape, and we'll proceed." The Doctor leads Rainbow away from the vehicle, urging her to begin recording.

"Ah Doc, is that a-" Rainbow McFly tries to get a word in edgewise, but the Doctor waves her off.

"Never mind that now, never mind that now. Not now." He straightens up in front of the still fuming car.

"Alright, I'm ready." The flustered pegasus replies, pointing the camera at Dr. Whooves.

"Good evening, I'm Doctor Emmett Hooves. I'm standing on the parking lot of Twin Pines Mall. It's Saturday morning, October 26, 1985, 1:18 AM, and this is temporal experiment number one."

With a burst of energy, Dr. Whooves goes to the back of the car. "C'mon, Winy, yes that's a good dog." He aids the excitable little dog into the car. Winona, who has clearly never been on a car ride, bounces in the seat excitedly. "In you go! Sit down, that's it."

Returning his attention to the camera, Dr. Whooves holds up a pair of digital watches each hung from lanyards about his and Winona's neck. "Please note, that Winona's watch is precisely in time with mine." As he says it, the two watches both change from 1:18 to 1:19. "Got it?"

"Yeah, got it. But what's the point of that?" Rainbow asks impatiently.

"Those aren't your lines." Dr. Whooves answers, his expression growing flustered. "Those weren't my lines either!"

"I don't care who's lines they were anyway, they're boring!" Rainbow retorts, rolling her eyes. "I was promised an explosive action scene, and all I get is a bunch of talking!"

"Oh, there'll be plenty of that, my colorful friend." The Doctor assured her, pulling a remote from the back of the car's seat. Shutting the door, he smiled at the curious dog. "Have a good trip, Winona." Stepping back from the car, Dr. Whooves begins fiddling with the joysticks, sending the car back across the stage.

"Cool!" Rainbow McFly lifts the camera, focusing it on the car.

"Watch this." With a flick of the controls, Dr. Whooves sends the Delorean speeding straight at the two of them!

"Wait, what're you doing!?" Rainbow asks nervously as the vehicle picks up speed. "Are you crazy!?"

"If my calculations are correct, when this babe reaches eighty-eight miles per hour, we'll see some serious sh- well, shouldn't finish that." The Doctor says, trying to get back to his lines.

"You're gonna get us both killed!" Rainbow starts flying away as the car speeds towards them, only to be stopped by Dr. Whooves.

"Watch this, watch this!" He exclaims excitedly!

The car screeches as it accelerates at them, flashing and glowing as it reaches speed. With a sudden, brilliant light, the car vanishes, leaving a pair of fire trails behind, scorching across the stage right between the legs of the startled Rainbow Dash!

"What did I tell you!? Eighty-eight miles per hour!" The Doctor starts bounding around excitedly.

"Geez! What did you do!? Where's Winona!?"

"Don't worry, Winona is fine! She has been sent into the future!" Dr. Whooves exclaims, his eyes glowing animatedly. "Honestly I thought this might all be a joke, but that Dr. Brown is quite the inventor!"

"You mean if it didn't work, we could have been killed!?"

"Well… yes, but it was worth the risk."

"What!?" Rainbow squeals, beside herself with shock.

"Don't worry! Everything worked perfectly, and Winona will be back in thirty-one seconds." The Doctor explains calmly.

The pair of ponies waited patiently, standing well away from where the Delorean had vanished. Time passed, as the Doctor begins to fidget. He looks down at his watch, sweat starting to bead on his brow.

"Nothing's happening." Rainbow says, looking over at the Doctor.

Looking out at the audience, then back at Rainbow Dash, he gives you all an awkward smile. "Don't worry, I can fix this! Just give me a moment!" He hurries from the stage, followed by the now alarmed looking Rainbow Dash. From behind the curtains, you hear a commotion start.

"What in the hay did you do to mah dog!?"

"Don't be alarmed, it's just a miscalibration, I'm sure it can be fixed!"

"Ya better, or ah'll have some miscalibratin' ta do mahself!"

Spike rushes out as the curtains fall, mic clutched in his claw. "Don't worry everypony, things are under control! We'll just move on to the final part of the show!"

Fluttershy and Derpy emerge, pushing a massive screen out from backstage. The girls are followed closely by Bluenose and Yellowbelly, the changeling camera crew caperers, who wave at the audience's claps and cheers. They brohoof each other, then start cackling as Yellowbelly presses a button on the remote, bringing the screen to life as the lights dim.

* * *

The first thing you see is a heavy wooden door, with 'No Minors' and a series of federal regulations printed on it. The door is quickly pushed aside, revealing the interior of a bar. Wooden paneling and polished seats fill the floorspace, while a large cherrywood bar dominates the far right corner. The bartender, an older, dapple grey stallion with a brown mane and a sideburn/mustache combo eyes the screen, raising one eyebrow before turning back to his clientele.

Several familiar faces can be seen among the seated ponies. Rainbow Dash and Applejack are sitting next to each other at the bar, Twilight, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Cadence, and Luna are all sharing a booth, and off at the far end of the room, Braeburn is slumped over the counter, clearly unconscious. The thrumming beat of the song 'Party Rock Anthem' pounds out over the audio system, causing the huge screen to wobble slightly.

The camera jerks back and forth, then focuses in on Bluenose, who is wearing an outrageous blue dress and a fake orange mane. The incorrigible changeling throws a wink at the camera, making kissy lips. The camera shifts back towards the room, and you hear a crash in the background. Slowly the tottering image draws closer to the bar, focusing in on Applejack, who is leaning against Rainbow Dash's shoulder.

The pair of them are both clearly drunk, Rainbow squeezing a mug of hard cider, doing her best to sit upright on the barstool as her eyes droop, a task made difficult by Applejack, who has thrown a hoof over her shoulders. The earth pony's right ear rests firmly against the athletic pegasus' left shoulder as she slumps along her friend's arm. A bottle of beer is hanging from her left hoof, four more empty one sit upon the counter.

"Yer mah *hic* mah bes' frien', ya know tha' Aaar Dee? Ah… ah don' wanna do anyth'n else tanigh' 'cept havin' a drink wi' ma bes' frien…" Applejack slurs, trying her best to right herself against the pegasus.

"Hermfrizzitle, grrmble der." Rainbow Dash mumbles, not seeming to even hear Applejack's attempt at conversation. She continues to mumble incoherently, then with a sort of finality, lifts her mug to her lips, downs the entire thing in a long chug, then drops off the stool, crashing to the floor!

"Whuhahoooah!" Applejack, already hopelessly overbalanced, careens from her seat as well, giggling and hiccuping repeatedly as she lays there, staring up at the camera.

"Heeheehaha, tha'zza funny lookin' hat'cha go-got there, pardner…" She smiles up at you, her head rolling gently back and forth as if she's dizzy. Rainbow Dash, having long given up any hope of remaining conscious, has passed out next to her on the floor.

The camera turns up and away amid cackling snickers, and turns towards the booth. The girls laughter rings merrily as your view is blocked momentarily by a large, angry brown face, covered in scars. After a bit of maneuvering, the camera focuses in again, to where the girls are chatting away over their drinks.

Twilight is fiddling with an ice cube, trying to slip it down Rarity's rather flouncy outfit without the other girls noticing. Her target remains blissfully unaware, yet it seems the alcohol has animated her, causing the mare to shift around on the booth, waving her hooves animatedly as she explains something in a high pitched tone of voice. Pinkie Pie and Cadence seem enamored with the conversation, while luna stares into a cup fizzling with an unknown drink.

Rarity's gesticulations suddenly land Twilight with a hoof in her nose, causing her to lose her grip on the ice cube. It slides straight down Rarity's back, sending the surprised fashionista bouncing from her seat in surprise. As Twilight grips her bruised nose with both hooves, Pinkie Pie throws on a big grin, hopping up onto the table. She begins trying to follow the twitching, jerking Rarity's motions like it's some kind of dance, while Cadence giggles, covering her mouth with one hoof to hide her smile.

Rarity finally manages to extract the ice cube, then promptly looks about the table accusingly, clearly demanding to know who pulled the prank. Luna barely looks up from her muddled slump, while Cadence bursts out laughing. Pinkie quickly joins in, falling from the table and spilling drinks as she falls.

Incensed by their callous response, Rarity spots a bucket of ice left behind at another table. With a quick flash of magic, she awkwardly levitates the bucket over the laughing girls' heads, and dumps it upon them. This only seems to make them laugh harder, drawing a pout from the unicorn.

* * *

Suddenly the scene is interrupted by a series of brilliant flashes! The missing Delorean reemerges, plowing squarely into the screen! Ponies scramble out of the uncontrolled vehicle's path as it plows into the seats, coming to rest halfway up the room! Several cast members peer out from behind the curtains at the colossal mess that has just been created by the out of control vehicle.

"The screen! The stage! The audience! Oh nononononono! This is a disaster!" Twilight bolts from behind the curtains, stopping halfway across the stage as she stares openmouthed at the destruction.

"Ah don't worry, I can fix this!" Dr. Whooves tries to assure her.

"Winona!" Applejack rushes past the others, scrambling to get into the car. "Yah! That's cold!"

"Bark, bark!" Winona yips from the driver's seat, her tail wagging hysterically as she bounces up and down.

Spike quickly takes the stage, while Boldheart and Wildfire escort a gibbering Twilight back through the curtains. "Well, that's our show everypony! Sorry about the mess." He is about to retreat when something pops into his head. He pauses, looking back out at you all.

"Oh, and be sure to send us your fanmail! Every episode from here on in, the cast will be reading your letters, and answering them on the show! Make sure that whatever you ask, it's clean enough for us to read, so that we can include your questions!" With that, he waves to you all. "Goodnight everypony!"

* * *

As the animated crowd floods from the theatre, you find yourself once again before the questions booth, where Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle all wait eagerly to take your requests, and gather letters for the new fanmail section.

Off to the left, another booth sits with a big Aperture Science logo, several fliers for Cave Johnson's testing signups, as well as a link to yudhaikeledai.deviantart.com.

On the right, a third booth sits with information for youtube.com/user/ohaiumby, youtube.com/user/TheLivingTombstone, and youtube.com/user/OdysseyEurobeat, with suggestions to check out their work.

Once you finish at the booths, you finally escape the theatre to the outside air, where the crowd continues to talk about the craziness of today's episode, and eager ideas for next time!

Episode 4

The Pony Variety Show!

Eager fans flood through the doors, pressing aside competitors for good seats within the crowded theatre! You manage to fight off two ponies and outpace a massive guy, squeezing into a seat before somepony else steals it! The crowd has gotten so big that two full balconies have been added, giving the entire room the feeling of a small stadium! Lights beam everywhere as Spike dashes onto the stage, skidding to a stop at a microphone set at the center.

"Fillies and gentlecolts, bronies of all ages, I give you the fillies that give you the chillies, the ponies who ain't no phonies, the cream of the crop!" He leans in with a grin," Bronies, I suggest you hold your seats. Everypony, it's your little ponies in, the Pony Variety Show!" He quickly dashes from the stage as the theme begins.

With that, the curtain raises, revealing a large cast of ponies in lined up as if doing the conga, all stepping in time to the new opening theme for the show. Pinkie Pie leads the dancing in her can can outfit. The various stallions and mares are all wearing random costumes come parading out from both sides of the stage, singing lustily as they pass across each other in waves. You're pretty sure you spot Derpy passing herself as they go by.

Twilight opens the rendition as she struts onto the stage, her mic magically suspended in front of her. Her eyes flash brilliantly as she puts on her dance moves, which don't amount to much more than a bit of ill practiced thrashing.

"It's time for the show-show-show!

Let's get up and go-go-go!

You bronies prepare-pare-pare,

It's our time to share-share-share!

That guy's in his underwear!?"

The guy in his underwear glances about at everypony staring at him. "What!? I didn't feel like getting dressed just to watch My Little Pony!"

The trooping ponies join into Twilight's song at that moment, each adding more musical harmony as they smile, turning their heads in time with the music.

"That guy's in his underwear-wear-wear!

It's our time to share-share-share!

We fly high and dance low, we're getting in the flow,

It's the Pooonyyy Variiietyyy Shooooow!"

Wild applause fills the theatre as the curtain sweeps down to hide the dancers. Spike reemerges from backstage, laughing heartily as he smiles at you. "Welcome once again to the Pony Variety Show!"

A second applause follows.

"First, I'd like to suggest the gentleman in his underwear put some pants on at least! It's kinda creeping me out!"

"Oh fine!" The overweight brony presses past several uncomfortable fillies, grumbling as he heads off to find some pants.

"Ah, thank you!" Spike calls after him, sending a rippling laugh through the audience. "So today on the PVS!, we have a great line of acts for you! Soarin' and Spitfire will be acting out a scene from 'American Pie', Pinkie and Rainbow Dash face off to see who will be the master, Princess Luna does the moonwalk with our special guest, we read your fan mail, and of course, the ever popular behind the scenes!"

More cheering and applause rings out, which Spike quickly waves down.

"Hold the phone everypony, because I haven't even gotten to our special guest yet!" The lights suddenly dim, leaving the stage barely illuminated. Spike begins to whisper out an introduction, which resounds as everypony waits expectantly. "Even as a boy, they said he was gonna go far, a child prodigy destined for greatness! Predictions proved correct, and as he grew, so to did his fame! Soon enough he would become an icon around the world, known far and wide as the King of Pop! Fillies and Gentlecolts, the legend lives again! I give you, Michael Jackson!"

Spotlights fix upon the right side of the stage, eliciting gasps of surprise, followed by wild cheers and thundering applause as, indeed back from the dead, Michael Jackson strides onto the scene, his face beaming in the spotlights as he holds out his arms wide! He's wearing a black fedora, shimmering jacket, leather pants, and a brilliant, rhinestone studded glove over his left hand. Several fillies in the front row pass out in their seats from overexcitement, and security ponies are forced to hold the crowd back from rushing the stage!

Spike climbs up on a short staircase that is brought out by a pair of pegasus. He holds out the mic for the superstar, who almost whispers into it, giving you all the first taste of his voice. "Thank you all, thank you. It's wonderful to be back."

"So how was coming back?" Spike asks, then presents the mic up agian.

"It was fun, it was fun. I enjoyed it." Michael responds with a shy smile.

"Well it's great to have you on the show! Let's get to the first act, shall we!?" Spike asks, and is replied by whooping as ponies and bronies shoot to their feet, clapping for the host and guest as they retreat from the stage, waving as they go.

* * *

The curtain opens again, revealing Soarin' and Spitfire walking down a sidewalk by a number of houses. Spitfire, clearly upset by something, strolls along angrily, followed closely by Soarin'.

"I was being selfish, and majorly insensitive, and I'm a total idiot." The pale blue pony says, looking over at his blazing yellow companion.

"I think sh*thead really says it." She replies, squinting back at her pursuer.

"Yes, I'm a sh*thead! I'm a complete and total sh*thead!" Soarin' answers with a cheeky grin. Spitfire cracks a smile at him. "…and I want to try to make is up to you."

"How?" She asks as she looks at him, lowering her eyelids to that intense, bedroom stare. The curtain falls, and a large ruckus begins behind the stage.

"Oof! Watch it!" Somepony hisses.

"Derpy, not with the… look out!" The cry of distress is punctuated by a spear head piercing the curtain! It quickly withdraws as Derpy wings her way out, sticking red duct tape over the hole. She smiles at you, then disappears behind the curtain once again.

"Now just move the set piece over there, and… No! Stop, stop, stop! Not like that!" Twilight yells, groaning in frustration.

"Okay, places everypony!" Rarity calls, followed by a clatter of hooves.

The curtain slides up, revealing a bedroom, a door, and a staircase leading down into a living room. Spitfire is laying on her back upon the bed, looking out at all of you. She seems to be rolling her eyes. Off between her legs on the far side of the bed, Soarin's electric blue mane can be seen bobbing up and down in time with loud, mushy slurping sounds.

"You know, when you said you'd make it up to me, I didn't think this was what you had in mind." Spitfire grumbled, laying her head to one side.

"Oh come on, Spitfire! It's really good!" Soarin' replies cheerfully, peering up over her body at you.

"For you maybe, but I'm just not feeling it." She rolls her eyes.

Down in the kitchen, Princess Cadence is straining some pasta, seemingly oblivious.

"Psst! Cadence! That's your cue!" A whisper hisses out from the side of the stage. Looking up, she gives you all a cheerful grin, clears her throat, then over dramatically begins reciting her lines.

"Hon!? Can you tell Spit… heehee, Spit! I, uh, I mean Spit… to come on down for supper?" She looks enthusiastically off-stage. "How was that?" The thump of a pony facehoofing themselves responds. Shining Armor looks up from the newspaper he's holding, smiling nervously over at Cadence. He nods, then rises from his chair, plodding slowly up the stairs to the bedroom.

"Ah, it's so good…" Spitfire recites irritably, not even trying to sound enthusiastic. A loud slurp sounds, causing the irritable Spitfire to grit her teeth. "Look Soarin', this really isn't working! I thought you said you were going to make it up to me, not spill the juice all over my bedsheets!"

Soarin' looks up from between her legs, shushing her. "Spitfire, shhh, you know there's no lock on your door."

"Aaaugh!" Spitfire pulls a pillow over her head. "What does a lock have to do with anything!?"

"I don't want to have to share it with anypony else!" Soarin' replies, a look of consternation spread across his face. Outside the bedroom door, Shining Armor reaches for the handle, his hoof visibly shaking as he glances out at all of your expectant faces.

From high above the audience, off in their private balcony box, two old ponies lean forward against the railing. They begin shouting uproariously at the hesitant Shining Armor.

"Go on, open the door already!" The shorter, balding Mr. Waddle yells.

"It's okay boy! It's not like they're poundin' the cake or anything!" Geri Fore, the taller, white maned pony jibes in.

"Poundin' the cake, that's a good one!" Mr. Waddle chortles.

"Will you two be quiet! I'm trying to concentrate!" Shining Armor yells up at them, then leans closer to the door, nervously awaiting his cue.

"Oh just finish it already!" Spitfire sits up sharply, yelling at still slurping Soarin'.

Shining Armor, apparently forgetting his lines, pushes open the door, looking about in alarm at the room's occupants. Startled by the unscheduled intrusion, Soarin' finally looks up from between Spitfire's legs, purple filling and crumbs of pie crust mushed all over his face.

"What in the hay are you two up to!? It sounds… Is that blueberry pie?" Shining Armor stares, nonplussed.

"Some make-up gift." Spitfire complains, gesturing at the gluttonous Soarin'. "I don't even like blueberry pie that much, and he eats it all anyway!"

"Aww man… does this mean I have to share it with you too, Mr. Armor?" Soarin' whines as Spitfire gets up from her bed, stomping off in a huff as the curtain falls.

"Well, that was disappointing." Mr. Waddles groans.

"Yeah I know what you mean." Geri replies as the two old ponies shake their heads, "He should have gone for the peach pie."

"Dohohohohoho!"

* * *

The curtain sweeps aside, revealing a large, well built black man with a thin beard. He's wrapped in a towel at his waste, showing off his pecs. He smiles out at you from a bathroom you don't remember being there in the last scene.

"Hello fillies. Look at your brony, now back to me. Now back at your brony, now back to me. Sadly, he isn't me, but if he stopped sitting in front of the computer and used apple scented Old Spice, he could smell like he's me!" The man holds up a bottle of Old Spice with apples body wash.

Looking down at the floor, he continues to speak as scenery goes flying, revealing the deck of a yacht, the sea spreading for miles behind him. "Look down, back up. Where are you? You're on a boat with the man your brony could smell like. What's in your hand?" He lifts up a seashell. As it opens, you see a set of DVDs "I have it. It's an oyster with a prerelease of Friendship is Magic, Season 3! Look again, the DVDs now have Season 4 too!"

As your eyes focus in on the precious DVD set, they suddenly blow away like sand, revealing the bottle of Old Spice with apples again. "Anything is possible when your brony smells like Old Spice and not a brony. I'm on a horse."

The scene has changed somehow, revealing the mysterious black man to be sitting upon a massive, muscular white stallion. Rearing up, the bulked up pony flexes one bicep. "YEEEEAH!"

The curtain falls once again.

* * *

For some reason, the next act seems to be taking too long. You feel just about ready for a snack when Bluenose, one of the changeling camera crew creeps out onto the stage. He holds a hoof up to his lips, shushing you all with a playful grin. Pulling out a remote, he presses a button that starts the new big screen up as it extends from above the stage. Creeping back he settles to watch as the image comes to life.

The camera is shaking gently, and a small blinking icon in the lower left announces 'live' to you all. As it takes focus, you see a bit of a disagreement forming backstage. Twilight is lumbering along with difficulty, owing to the fact that Fluttershy is attached to one of her hind legs.

"Please oh please cancel the next act." Fluttershy begs, which only seems to annoy Twilight more.

"I said no! Just because you don't want to see it doesn't mean the audience isn't looking forward to it." Twilight answers with a huff.

"But all of those poor, innocent creatures might get hurt. Poke'mon battling can be really rough."

"Listen, Fluttershy," Twilight says condescendingly, "we're all under contract, including the animals. If the fans want a Poke'mon battle, you're just gonna have to live with it."

"Plee-hee-hee-hease!" Fluttershy wails quietly, making Twilight roll her eyes.

"If I let you declare when one of them is unfit to battle, will you stop worrying?"

Sniffling, Fluttershy looked unsure, but nodded anyway. As Twilight pulled her leg free and began lecturing her friend on acceptable battle terms, the camera lifts away, zipping through the darkened backstage, seeking another altercation.

"Ah said no!" Applejack hollers as she comes into view, Rainbow Dash in front of her.

"But I need her for my team!" Rainbow Dash whines. "If I don't get Winona, I won't be able to take on Pinkie Pie! You gotta help me out here!"

"No is no, Rainbow! Especially after that time travelin' incident last week! Ah'm not puttin' 'er in anymore o' these shenanigans!"

Rainbow Dash huffs up with indigence, trotting away. "Fine, I don't need your stupid dog anyway! We'll win without her!"

Applejack shakes her head, then goes about with setting up the stage again.

* * *

The screen suddenly retracts as the red curtains sweep aside, revealing a Poke'mon stadium, filled with an enormous crowd of cheering fans. Spike's voice comes in over the loudspeaker system. "This is it, folks! The moment you've all been waiting for! The final match in the Poke'mon League Championship begins! In the red column, we have the party pony extraordinaire! Please welcome… Pinkie Pie!"

Pinkie bounds out from the left side of the stage to stand in a large red box on her side of the field. She's wearing an official Poke'mon cap, a blue and white jacket, and has several Poke'balls hanging from a belt she somehow got on. Bouncing around in circles, she cheers happily. "Woohoo! I always wanted to be in the Poke'mon League!"

"In the blue column," Spike announces yet again, "the fastest anywhere, the multicolored definition of cool, Rainbow Dash!"

As if summoned by his voice, Rainbow shoots out from the right side of the stage, pulling a daredevil turn over your heads as she wheels about at high speed! Kicking off the wall, she lands in the blue box with a skid, licking a wingtip, then pressing it to her flank with a hiss!"

"Contestants, are you ready!?" Spike yells, bringing the room to it's feet with cheering fans!

"We're all set down here, Spike!" Rainbow shouts back, a grin on her face.

Suddenly a yellow streak shoots out from backstage in the form of Fluttershy. She waves a pair of red and blue flags wildly about while blowing a whistle. "All of the Poke'mon are unable to battle! I call this fight, a draw, so that everypony can go home and not get hurt…"

"Fluttershy, you can't do that!" Rainbow Dash complains, stepping up to the yellow pegasus.

"Twilight said I was the judge and, um… that I can say when they can't fight anymore. So… I say that it's now…" Fluttershy stutters. Rainbow is about to reply when a purple light surrounded Fluttershy.

"We need to talk." Twilight trots out onto the field, then pulls her levitating friend off to the side.

"Heeheehee! Well, it looks like the judge got flagged!" Pinkie Pie giggles.

"Haha, very funny. Now can we get on with this?" Rainbow asks impatiently. They all look over at Twilight, who starts waving her hoof at them in irritation from behind the curtains.

"Well, I guess so." Spike answers slowly.

"About time!" Rainbow Dash hurries back to her square, pulling out a Poke'ball, and throws it into the arena. "Owloysius! I choose you!"

There's a flash as the owl pops out from under the backstage curtains to take his place upon the field. "Who!"

"Who? I don't know? Who?" Pinkie asks, tilting her head to one side.

"Pinkie, are we gonna battle, or are you going to talk to the owl?"

"Heehee, sorry Rainbow Dash! I got carried away!" Pinkie covers her mouth to stifle her laugh, then throws one of her Poke'balls. "Go Tauros!"

The burly form of Iron Will emerges from the curtain behind the flash. He is crouching on all fours, looking humiliated. "Iron Will does not know why he agreed to this!"

"Hey! Eyes on me, mister!" Pinkie points at her eyeballs. Iron Will looks back at her in confusion. "Poke'mon don't talk like us, they battle. Now be a good Poke'mon and use Tackle!" Turning back, Iron Will lunges at Owloysius, his hands outstretched.

"Fly away, quick!" Rainbow chews on her hoof, only breathing a sigh of relief when the owl glides safely over the minotaur.

"Don't lose him, Tauros! Use Swift attack!" Pinkie makes her closest approximation to a fist!

Looking about, Iron Will picks up a frisbee that oddly found it's way to the stage. Hurling the disc, the minotaur laughs as Owloysius tumbles to the ground, looking quite worse for the wear.

"No! I can't lose like this! Return Owloysius!" Rainbow calls with a dramatic gesture. A burst of blue magic pulls the injured owl behind the curtain, followed by a very unhappy Fluttershy's cries. Ignorant of the commotion backstage, Rainbow draws another Poke'ball. "Let's see how you handle fighting a Tank!"

Another flash erupts followed by the appearance of Tank, Rainbow Dash's pet tortoise. He blinks very, very slowly at Iron Will, who bursts out laughing! "Do you mock Iron Will with this pathetic display!? Iron Will will crush this tiny tortoise in an instant!"

"Just try it!" Rainbow taunts.

"Wait, don't…" Pinkie tries to warn her 'Poke'mon' but it's too late! The minotaur throws himself into an elbow drop at Tank, who promptly retracts into his shell.

"Iron Will has yoOOOOOH!" The minotaur squeals in pain as his elbow slams into the tortoise's shell with a crack! Several audience members wince at the sound.

"Who's on top now, Pinkie!" Rainbow Dash mocks as Iron Will is carried from the stage by a team of ponies.

Pinkie stares worriedly at the armored tortoise. Looking over her selection of Poke'balls, she draws a second and throws it. "Everything is resting on you now. Go Gummy!"

The tiny alligator waddles out from behind Pinkie, eyes the Poke'ball, then proceeds to swallow it. Pinkie grins at Rainbow Dash. "Who's got the upper hand now?"

"Bahahahahaha! You think Tank is afraid of Gummy! Your pet couldn't hurt a fly!" Rainbow laughs, rolling onto her back.

"Oh yeah!? Gummy, use Hyper Beam!" Pinkie yells triumphanty.

"Hyper-whatnow?" Rainbow looks on in confusion, her pet mirroring the motion.

Gummy however, seems to understand exactly what Pinkie is talking about. Standing on it's hind legs, the little reptile pulls a baseball bat from behind it's back somewhere, and proceeds to smack Tank over the head with it.

"What!? No! You can't do that, Pinkie!" Rainbow objects, racing over to the side of her pet. Tank looks slowly up at her, then opens his mouth and lets out a pathetic wheeze. "I'm sorry, Tank! Don't worry, I'll get you some help!"

With that, Rainbow Dash flies off with her pet in her arms, leaving Pinkie standing on the field. Spike's voice comes ringing out from overhead. "Well, it looks like Rainbow Dash has forfeited the match! The winner, and new Poke'mon Champion is Pinkie Pie!"

"Yay, you did it Gummy!" Pinkie whoops, rushing over and scooping up the little alligator, who promptly latches his toothless mouth onto Pinkie's muzzle. She parades happily off the stage as the curtain falls.

* * *

An eerie beat starts to play as the lights dim, until the only sight is the glimmer of green flames that start rising from the stage! In a whirl of luminescent smoke, Chrysalis appears, with Pinkie sitting next to her. The party pony's nose is buried in a chocolate cake, and she seems quite oblivious to the goings on of the changeling Queen.

"Greetings, foalish humans and ponies alike! I am Chrysalis, Queen of the changelings. Today I wish to campaign for your votes in the upcoming election for Ruler of Everything! While I can not make promises of glory and speak lies about easy reform, I do want to point something out to you. Do you really want to trust Celestia, who has abused her power time and again!? Or what of Luna, who was so quick to turn on you just for sleeping!? Surely you do not trust Discord to be anything other than a force of destruction to rain fear upon you unprotected heads! "

"I on the other hoof, will promise to be exactly what I am. Sure you may be forced to aid in the feeding of my subjects, but is that really so bad compared to you other options? I encourage my subjects to love, not give them false hope then tear it away from them! I will never lie to you, betray you in any way that I won't tell you about, or anything of the sort! Of all the candidates, you can be sure that you can trust me. Ahahahahaha!"

With that she disappears again, leaving Pinkie Pie on the stage. As the earth pony gobbles down the last of her sweets, she looks up. "Oh, and a vote for us is a vote for cake!" She promptly rises and trots merrily backstage, humming as she goes.

* * *

The lights do not come up as the campaign ends. Instead, the room becomes pitch black. Several voices start whispering in confusion as ponies and bronies squirm about in their seats, wondering what happened to the lights.

"Do you know what's going on?" Geri Fore asks his companion.

"Nope." Mr. Waddle answers. "I'm completely in the dark."

"Dohohohohoho!"

The quiet whispers are suddenly disrupted when a beat starts to play. A high pitched voice cuts through the room, sending a thrilling chill with it. The sound is unmistakable.

"D'aaaw!

As he came into the window,

It was the sound of,

A crescendo!"

The voice of Michael Jackson almost whispers, yet sends the entire room into a hush. Lights flash to life, revealing what appears to be the surface of the moon, with the Earth hanging in the distance. Michael is now wearing a white suit and fedora, which is tilted over his eyes. Behind him, Luna stands in the same posture, her own black pinstripe suit matching his to a tee.

"D'aaaw!

He came into her apartment.

He left bloodstains on the carpet!"

The pair begin popping and twisting, each step in time as Luna follows each motion, her own face impassive as she mimics him. They break into a moonwalk, strutting backwards, leaving a trail of shimmering moon dust in their wake.

"She ran underneat the table,

He could see she was unable.

So she ran into the bedroom.

She was struck down,

It was her doom!"

The two dancers spin in harmony, rocking and sliding back to center stage.

"Annie are you okay,

So Annie are you okay,

Are you okay Annie?

Annie are you okay,

So Annie are you okay,

Are you okay Annie?

Annie are you okay,

So Annie are you okay,

Are you okay Annie?

Annie are you okay,

So Annie are you okay,

Are you okay Annie?"

Michael hops, kicking out as he spins, pointing up at the stars! Moon dust flies everywhere as they shoot down from above, filling the stage. As it settles, there are now many more ponies all about, wearing grey suits and fedoras. They all sing in unison, taking up the chorus line.

"Annie are you okay?

Will you tell us, that you're okay?

There's a sign in the window,

That he struck you-

A crescendo Annie!

He came into your apartment,

He left the blood stains, on the carpet!

Then you ran into the bedroom,

You were struck down,

It was your doom!"

The ponies go silent once again, freezing in a mosaic as Michael dances among them, his eyes intense as he jerks through them, closing with Luna, who continues to mirror his motions.

"Annie are you okay,

So Annie are you okay,

Are you okay Annie?

Annie are you okay,

So Annie are you okay,

Are you okay Annie?

Annie are you okay,

So Annie are you okay,

Are you okay Annie?

You've been hit by,

You've been hit by-

A smooth crimina!"

The dance comes abruptly to an end, with Michael Jackson holding Luna in a dance, their eyes locked together, each one's face impassive. The lights suddenly shoot up as the stage seems to vanish before you, eliciting claps and uproarious cheers as everypony whoops with delight!

* * *

Spike dashes out onto the stage, followed closely by the guest star, who seems meek after the stunning performance. All around you, the applause continues as they step up to center stage, only ceasing as the King of Pop waves you down gently.

"That was quite a show! I know I was excited! How does it feel to perform like that, Mr. Jackson?" Spike asks, presenting the microphone up to the superstar.

"Well it's quite exhilarating, quite exhilarating. I always love to come dance with you all." He answers, eliciting another round of cheering.

"Huhaha! That's great, and you're so good! I'll have to try some of those moves sometime." Spike glances offstage, then returns his attention to you all, pulling out a note. "So now it's time for our new segment, fanmail!"

More cheering and clapping sounds as Spike returns his gaze to Michael. "Part of the reason we invited you, Mr. Jackson, is because we wanted you to ask the questions for our fans!"

As Michael takes the fanmail, he smiles. "I'm honored." He slowly opens it, scanning over the contents quickly before reading out. "This question comes from The MJ Brony of FanFiction.net. He asks the Mane 6, 'Have you listened to Michael Jackson? If so, what are your favorite songs of his?"

Upon hearing themselves be called up, the girls step out on stage amidst more cheers! Twilight accepts the microphone from Michael Jackson with a magic glow, bringing it up to herself.

"Thank you, Mr. Jackson."

"It's Michael, please." He waves, looking a little embarrassed at all of the formality.

"Okay then Michael, and to you MJ Brony. I've actually liked a few of your works, but my favorite has to be from when you were a kid. The song is called 'Ben', and tells of the touching relationship you had with your pet." Twilight smiles sadly as Michael starts tearing up. "I've found that in our lives, we have wonderful friends who we can rely upon, and hearing that, I know you had a true friend of your own."

She passes the mic on as Rarity magically offers Michael a handkerchief. Taking up the mic next, Rainbow Dash grins. "I've always loved your music! It's so awesome! My personal favorites are 'Bad' and 'Beat It', but it's really hard deciding which ones are the best!"

Fluttershy takes it next, smiling shyly up at the superstar. "I… um… that is… I always sort of liked, um… 'Man in the Mirror'. It's a pretty song about helping everypony and making life better."

Pinkie swiftly takes the mic, practically bouncing out of her skin. "Hello Michael! I've always been a superduper big fan of all of your songs! They're so much fun to dance to! I really can't decide which one is my favorite, except maybe for 'Black or White', because it's all about making friends! Oh that song is so much fun! Heeheeheehee!"

Rarity quickly removes the microphone from Pinkie's grasp before she goes any further with he avalanche of questions. Clearing her throat, Rarity speaks in her best 'I'm talking to Canterlot high society' voice. "First let me say it is good to see you doing so well, sir. I have always admired your impeccable sense of fashion. You have been an inspiration to me several times. As for my favorite song, I am particularly fond of 'PYT'. I can almost see you singing right to my heart! It's such a romantic song!"

She prepares to continue her fawning adoration when the mic is swiped away by Applejack. Rarity glares at the earth pony, then sticks her nose in the air with a snort. Shaking her head with a smile, Applejack looks up at Michael. "Ah've not heard much o' your music, but ah do like this one song ya did with Barry Gibb. Ah think it was 'All in Your Name'.

Princess Celestia steps out onto the stage, smiling sadly to the girls. "I am sorry to cut you off, my little ponies. It is time for our guest to go." She looks over to Michael. "It was wonderful having you, sir. I hope we get a chance to meet you again."

"It was wonderful. Thank you for this last time." He replies humbly, spreading his arms slowly as Princess Celestia's horn glows brightly. A brilliant light cascades from the superstar, filling the entire chamber as if a star were being born right there! Magic bursts forth, scattering moon dust out across the audience as the legend returns to his rest.

* * *

The girls retreat from the stage as Spike fights a sniffle. "Boy, what a goodbye. A big thank you to Michael Jackson for showing up, and leaving us all with a memory to keep."

"Hey, you done talking, dragon thing?" The chittering voice of Yellowbelly the changeling creeks out from behind the curtain.

"Oh, right. The show must go on." Spike wipes back a tear then clears his throat. "Now it's time for our behind the scenes camera crew to show us what they've been up to!" Leaning forward, Spike whispers into the mic like he's sharing a secret. "…and what everypony else is up to."

The two changelings, Bluenose and Yellowbelly buzz out from behind the curtains, waving their hooves in the air at the cheering audience. They sweep about the room, cackling happily as the big screen lowers down yet again, ready to present a video of somepony's most embarrassing moments!

* * *

The video starts up, wobbling vigorously as the camera operator carries it pointed towards the ground, showing you a great view of the grass and Yellowbelly's oddly glowing yellow belly. The changelings are tittering to themselves as they approach their destination. You see tree roots, then the camera shifts up, pointing at a treehouse sitting out past the Apple Family's zap apple trees. The multileveled construct seems to have a new addition to it, something akin to a firepony's pole.

Two fillies, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle sit in rapt curiosity before the pole, staring up at it intently. They smile in delight as a third, the little orange form of Scootaloo comes sliding down the pole, her hind legs twined around it as she whirls in circles, grinning the whole way down. Before she reaches the bottom, however, she stops, leans back so her forehooves almost touch the ground, spreading them wide. The other two fillies clap excitedly, giggling at the antics of their friend.

"…and that's how you do a pole dance!" Scootaloo says cheerfully.

"How did you say you learned this, again?" Sweetie Belle asks, looking curiously up at the smooth metal pole.

"I followed Rainbow Dash one night when she was going to a club! There was a little crack in the curtains, and I saw her doing this to music! There were lots of other mares doing it too, and ponies were throwing bits at them!" Scootaloo explains proudly.

"Ah can make money fer the farm, an' learn mah special talent! This is great!" Apple Bloom exclaims, trotting for the ramp leading up to the treehouse. "Ah wunna try next!"

"Don't worry girls, now that we've got our own pole, we can practice all we want!" Scootaloo grins.

"I still don't know. Something seems kinda weird about this." Sweetie Belle puts a hoof on her chin, trying to decide what she feels about the pole.

The chittering camera crew turns the view over to the left, where Applejack is approaching from the farm. She hollers out to the treehouse, trying to get her little sister's attention. "Apple Bloom, it's time ta get yer chores done!"

As she draws nearer, she spots the fillies playing on the pole, makes an incredulous face, and start's trotting faster. "What in the hay are those fillies up to?"

Arriving at the treehouse, she stops just in time to watch her sister slide down the pole, hind hooves crossed over the metal rod, while her forehooves hang wide out. The older earth pony stares openmouthed at the display, her eyes growing small.

"Apple Bloom! What in tarnation are ya doin'!?" She demands, but her tone seems lost upon the playing girls.

"Practicing!" Apple Bloom replies cheerfully. "We're gonna be…"

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADER POLE DANCERS!" The three fillies yell out!

For a long moment, Applejack is dumbstruck by the announcement. Her shock, however, quickly turns to anger. "Y'all will do no such thing! Do ya even know what that means!?"

"It's a dance that makes ponies give you lots of money! Rainbow Dash taught us!" Scootaloo explains, hoping to calm Applejack down.

"Rainbow did whut..?"

"She taught us how to do the dance!" Scootaloo repeats, not realizing that Applejack had heard her quite well the first time.

"Listen girls, y'all need ta take that… thing… down right naow! Ah need ta go have a talk with Rainbow Dash…"

* * *

The screen dims as the lights come up, illuminating the room once again. Spike steps out onto the stage, trying to hide his reddened cheeks behind a sheepish grin. "Well, uh… that was interesting… haha… yeah…" He decides that forgetting might be a better route to take, and quickly changes the subject. "So that's it for today's show! Be sure to leave a comment at our booth in the lobby, as well as more fan mail for our new segment! Thank you everypony, we'll see you next time on the Pony Variety Show!"

* * *

As you all file out of the theatre, you notice that the Cutie Mark Crusaders are not here today. Instead, Pipsqueak and Dinky sit in, watching the suggestions and fanmail booth. They both give you cheerful smiles as you come over, leave your thoughts, and maybe a fan mail question.

"'ank ye koindly for yore oideas!" Pip pipes up, grinning. "We do appreciate et!"

Finally, you break into the free, open air of the outdoors, listening as people joke about the show, the wild, goofball antics, and the surprises nopony saw coming!

Episode 5

The Pony Variety Show!

The crowd is bustling, pressing and fighting to get into the theatre's doors for the best seats! The press of the crowd is so tight that people keep getting knocked over, shoved around, and generally pushed into stuff! Suddenly you realize that one particularly fat brony is trying to squeeze through the door desperately for the third time! Watching patiently as he makes the entryway, you see him rush in through the front entrance, look around in confusion, and rush the doors again!

"Muhahahahaha!" Discord's laugh echoes from above as the chaotic cycle of entry and reentry continues.

"Discord!" Twilight Sparkle's voice resounds from somewhere in the chamber. "I told you no enchanting the doors! It's really not helpful!"

"Oh fine. You're such a killjoy, you know that?" With a snap, the door returns to normal, and you can all enter the theatre.

You quickly find a seat, watching eagerly as everypony settles down, their eyes riveted upon the stage. Spike darts from behind the curtains, heaving out a breath as he makes center stage, wiping sweat from his brow as he does. "Whew! Never too little exercise around here!"

Up above in their box, Mr. Waddle and Geri Fore begin their raucous commentary.

"Well, it's good to see Spike getting his workout." Mr. Waddle says sarcastically.

"Why's that?" Geri asks his shorter companion.

"It's the only work that's gotten done around here in weeks!"

"Dohohohoho!"

Spike clenches his claws, glaring up at the offending oldsters with a scowl. Turning away from their laughter, he addresses you all. "Welcome fillies and gentlecolts, bronies of all ages! I give you, the mares with flair, the hooves with the moves, the peanut butter, jelly, and toasted egg sandwich! Wait… what?" He pauses, staring at the cue card Derpy is holding up. She looks up at the sign, tilting her head to one side in confusion. Bubbly Pinkie Pie laughter emits from somewhere nearby. Shaking his head to recover, he continues. "Everypony, keep your chairs in their upright positions, it's your little ponies in the Pony Variety Show!"

The tiny dragon steps aside as the curtain raises, revealing a staircase covered in lights! Upon it are dozens of ponies dressed in flamboyantly colored tuxedoes, all singing to the theme that begins to play overhead!

"It's time for the show-show-show!

Let's get up and go-go-go!

You bronies prepare-pare-pare,

It's our time to share-share-share!

Is that a flying chair?"

A folding chair comes hurtling out of the audience, crashing onto the stage, only narrowly missing Lyra! From the back of the room, a hater… Dun dun DUHHN! …boos the ponies onstage! He is quickly jumped by a rabid mob of bronies, who rip off his clothes and toss him out of the theatre! As they reenter, one of them shouts back. "You stay away from my Lyra-poo!"

Lyra blushes furiously as the song continues unabated by the random hater attack.

"Oh that was a flying chair-chair-chair!

It's our time to share-share-share!

We fly high and dance low, we're getting in the flow,

It's the Pooonyyy Variiietyyy Shooooow!"

Applause thunders as the ponies bow out, disappearing behind the curtains. Spike waddles back to center stage, chuckling as he grins at the audience. "Lyra-poo! That's a good one! I'll have to remind her of that one later! Ahem, as I was saying, welcome once again to the Pony Variety Show!"

As the applause slowly fades off, Spike continues. "Today on the PVS, we've got some great talent coming in! We'll be having the very first Iron Will Crossover Smashdown, featuring the the mighty Red Cyclone, Zangief!"

The massive, musclebound figure of the seven-foot tall wrestler steps out onto the stage. He is clothed only in red shorts with a gold belt, red boots, and wristbands. His chest is covered in thick hair, and he wears a mohawk and beard. Scars crisscross his body, a testament to the claims of wrestling bears in his homeland of Russia. With a mighty laugh, he grins at you. "Welcome all! Zangief is here to show blue wrestle beast who is boss!"

"Iron Will resents your remarks, human!" Iron Will appears from the left side of the stage, pointing an accusing finger at the wrestler. "He will crush you into powder, then sell you as a bodybuilding pill!"

"Zangief will be eating steaks for dinner tonight!" Zangief replies as he stomps across the stage. The two combatants grit their teeth, looking ready to come to blows when Spike intervenes. The tiny figure gets between the two, putting his claws upon their shins.

"Hey guys, can this wait? We haven't even gotten done with the show's announcements yet."

"Oh, sorry. Yes tiny lizard. Zangief can wait." The huge wrestler's aggressive demeanor vanishes almost instantly, much to the surprise of Iron Will. The human strides off his side of the stage, leaving the flabbergasted minotaur looking nonplussed.

"Uh… Iron Will will… be back for you, Zangief!" Iron Will recovers, pointing his finger after his competition before returning to his place behind the curtains.

"Whew! For a second, I thought we were gonna have the match right now!" Spike says, wiping imaginary sweat from his forehead. "After the match, we'll have Rainbow Dash, Scootaloo, and a guest OC named Darkened Flame participating in Jackmule! It'll be loads of daring tricks and painful crashes for all! After that, we've got a special behind the scenes from the sinister minds of those two pranksters, Bluenose and Yellowbelly, that promises to be a real nail biter! They mentioned something about cupcakes."

"Finally, we'll be reading your fan mail, answering questions, and doing a news segment from the wide world beyond with the Cutie Mark Crusaders!" Spike pauses dramatically as Twilight Sparkle steps onto the stage. "Of course, what would the show be without our special guest! Introducing, straight from the twisted mind of Jason Steele, Charlie the Unicorn!"

Twilight breathes in, then summons up an enormous burst of white magic that sends ponies gasping and bronies covering their eyes. The flash ends as abruptly as it starts, leaving spots flashing in your eyes. There upon the stage, now standing in front of Twilight, is a significantly taller unicorn, who's grey coat is as bright and cheerful as his personality.

"Oh please no! I don't even wanna know what you two di…" Charlie's eyes are squeezed shut, only to peek open at the sound of claps and cheers. He looks around in surprise, a bewildered expression on his face. "Oh god, where am I!?"

"Don't worry, Mr. Charlie the Unicorn." Twilight begins, smiling proudly. "My name is Twilight Sparkle, and you've been brought here with my magic. We wanted to have you as a special guest today on the Pony Variety Show, and already got permission from your agents."

"Wait, I'm where now? What show are you talking about? I don't have any agents!" The grumpy Charlie complains.

"You don't? I was quite certain that those other two unicorns said-"

"Don't ever listen to anything those two say! They're the bane of my existence." Charlie cuts her off abruptly, looking around for said miscreants.

"Umm… we didn't bring them here." Twilight explains, looking concerned.

"You mean they're not here!? As in, not here at all!?" Charlie's eyes grow wider. "Oh thank you! You're my hero! Will you marry me!?"

Twilight backs up a step, looking surprised at the bigger unicorn. "Well I'm glad you're happy, but no, I will not be marrying you."

"That's okay, I didn't mean it anyway." Charlie's cynicism returns full force. "I'm just so happy to finally be free of them!"

"It's great to have you, mister Charlie." Spike says, grinning up at the guest. "For today, why don't you go sit up in the box with Mr. Waddles and Mr. Fore?"

"Sure, why not. What's the worst that could happen?" Almost as if on cue, the crowd laughs, making Charlie look about nervously. As he retreats from the stage, Spike follows after him, smiling back at you all.

"Let's get on with the show, shall we!?"

* * *

The curtain sweeps open, pouring a thick fog out from the back as Iron Will, arms outstretched, steps from the mist. The speakers thunder a beat as he reaches the front of the stage. "Welcome to the Iron Will Crossover Smashdown! Today I'll be crushing the weak, pathetic, Zangief! Get ready to hold on to your seats as Iron Will shows you what a real wrestler can do!"

With a mighty leap, Zangief crashes through the mist, landing opposite of Iron Will on the stage. "You think you can take Zangief!? Hah! I spit out toothpicks bigger than you!"

"When somepony comes up and acts like a tool, curb stomp their face and pity the fool!" Iron Will retorts, then leaps at Zangief!

The massive wrestler grips the minotaur's horns, hurling him past into the stage wall! Snorting, Iron Will recovers quickly, glaring as he charges again, arms outstretched. Zangief meets the charge, reaching over the minotaur and grabbing him by the back.

Iron Will's expression turns to shock as Zangief launches himself up into the air, taking the inverted minotaur with him! As he reaches the apex of his jump, the human wrestler twists, sending them both spinning down to the stage again! There's a tremendous crash as Iron Will's horns smash through the wood floor, his head driven into the stage by the spinning piledriver!

Zangief releases the body, laughing as he does. "I apologize. I damaged the floor with your head!"

Iron Will places his hands on either side of the stage, pulling until his head busts free with a crack! "Somepony thinks they can make you stop, teach them a lesson with an elbow drop!"

Throwing himself at Zangief, the minotaur delivers a crushing blow from his arm, sending Zangief reeling back to the ground. He pushes himself up with one arm, brushing blood from his lip with the other. "Zangief does not know if you noticed, but he is not pony!"

Iron Will charges again, his eyes blazing at the taunt. He doesn't see Zangief sweep his leg up and around until too late. Wrapping the muscular limb around Iron Will's waist, Zangief twists and rolls, coming up on top of the minotaur's back. Pressing a massive forearm onto his foe's thrashing body, the human wrestler laughs triumphantly!

Spike races out, patting the ground three times. "One! Two! Three!" Grabbing hold of Zangief's right arm, Spike lifts it up. "The winner! Zangief!"

"Ah, thank you, minotaur! You make me feel so powerful!" Zangief lifts his arms higher in triumph, pulling Spike up off the ground in the process!

He parades about the stage proudly as Iron Will drags himself backstage, then retreats as well, leaving the curtains to fall.

* * *

From behind the curtains, a loud, clanking, clattering sounds as a large machine lifts up the curtain, rolling up on wagon wheels as it's mechanical arm retracts, steam chugging from fluted smokestacks. The arm extends again as it sets up a podium with a red and white banner. The machine then erupts in limbs, cutting away the damaged sections of the floor with a saw, hammering a newly laid section down, and then polishing it with what appears to be a hose.

Stepping out from behind the whistling, whirring contraption are a pair of pale yellow unicorn stallions wearing blue and white striped shirts. They have half-curled, red and white manes, with one of them sporting a bushy mustache. Confetti cannons and horns erupt from the contraption, blaring out an orchestra as it shoots a spray of confetti all over you!

"Greetings everyone!" The clean shaven one calls as he leans upon the podium. "Allow me to introduce my brother and I! We're the world famous Flim and Flam, campaigning candidates nonpareil! We're here today to present to you our run for the office of Ruler of Everything, and all that we will do for you!"

"Allow us to introduce," Flam pauses for dramatic effect, then waves his hoof up at the heaving machine, "the Terrific Taskmaster Transport Ten-Thousand! It slices, it dices, it cleans your floors and does your chores!"

"Our campaign," Flim picks up, gesturing to the machine, which promptly emits a projection onto the curtains, "runs on the basis that the other rulers have done nothing to change the status quo! They want to be in charge, but what opportunity do they offer you? None!"

"If we're elected," Flam continues, "the Terrific Taskmaster Transport Ten-Thousand will become a modern household convenience! We will ensure that everypony has access to our wonderful machine, and many other innovations that will make life easier for you!"

"Will it do my laundry?" Somepony in the crowd asks.

"Why of course it will!" Flim declares with a smile as the machine's hose sweeps out, sucking up several articles of clothing from the crowd, pulls them into a rotating chamber, then fires them promptly back over the audience, freshly cleaned.

"How about piping? Can it do that?" Another pony asks.

"It sure can!" Flam answers, raising his eyebrows at the questioner. The machine promptly rips up the stage floor, tossing boards all over the audience as a hail of arms reach down into the floor. A shoot of water spurts up, but is quickly quelled by the machine as it removes its limbs and begins repairing the floor.

"How about reaching up to the top of a shelf?" Roseluck, who happens to be sitting next to you asks.

"Or scratch that one spot on mah back!?" A stallion questions.

"Can it pay my bills?" A third interjects.

Flim and Flam look at each other nervously as the machine starts jerking spastically, it's dozens of limbs each going then stopping in random sequences as it tries to process the requests. Then with a sudden spark and a hiss of steam, it stops. The brothers look up at their contraption worriedly, when it begins to move again. This time, however, it reaches inside itself, pulls out a suitcase and hat. Propping the hat upon it's head, the machine speaks.

"I've had *bzrrt* enough of this! I'm outta here!" With that, it rolls back through the curtains, leaving an embarrassed Flim and Flam upon the stage.

"Well, this doesn't look good…" Flam says.

"Nope, hopefully they'll still vote for us." Flim replies. "Maybe we can play it up or something."

"Good idea, let's get to work on that right away." Flam darts under the curtain, abandoning the scene.

"Right behind you, brother of mine!" Flim retreats as well, leaving a team of grumbling ponies to clean up the stage.

"Well that's what I call a show stopper." Geri Fore comments.

"Why's that?" Charlie, who is sitting in the box with the two old ponies, asks.

"The show just stopped!" Mr. Waddle replies.

"Dohohohohoho!"

"Oh boy, you guys are a riot." Charlie grumbles, settling his head on the rail.

* * *

The curtain sweeps open, revealing a vast daredevil skate park and trick arena. A large sign hangs from the top of the curtains with Jackmule written in big, bold letters.

Suddenly the sound of a guitar jamming out plays over the loudspeakers as a little orange pegasus filly shoots up a ramp on her scooter, which promptly accelerates due to a series of rockets strapped to it. Gasping in surprise, Scootaloo barely has time to think before she impacts a big, fluffy white cloud. Her scooter shoots up through the cloud, while the dazed filly drops like a rock, hitting the ground with a thud!

Pegasus ponies start shooting off everywhere, slingshotting themselves only to impact walls, dropping into fish tanks and being set about by electric eels, and being set into giant tops that whirl them around until they puke whirling projectile vomit everywhere!

"Hey there everypony!" Rainbow Dash yells into her headset from her place near the back of the field. "Welcome to Jackmule, where we pull all kinds of ridiculous stunts! Why do we inflict this on ourselves you ask? Because we can of course! We're here to show you that we're the most fearless daredevils anywhere!"

"Today we've got a special guest, an OC named Darkened Flame, looking to impress yours truly!" Rainbow grins cheekily, nodding her head back at her unfortunate victim. The pegasus stallion in question is sitting on a catapult that appears to be attached to a pair of underwear around his red flank, a black mane topping his head. He waves cheerfully out at all of you, apparently unaware of what he's about to endure. "So I told him that if he really wanted to impress me, he'd have to beat me in a race! Of course, it would be unfair of me to not give him some assistance!" She winks, her voice dripping sarcasm.

"This," Rainbow Dash says, gesturing to the catapult, "is the Super Wedgie Slinger! It'll give him quite a boost at the start of the race!"

Flying over, she smiles up at the hapless OC. "You ready up there?"

"Ready and waiting!" He answers, grinning back.

"Perfect! On your mark, get set, go!" Rainbow calls, shooting off the starting line towards you like a bolt! Her companion is not so lucky! The catapult does sling him as intended, pulling up the underwear with every ounce of momentum it has! With a dismayed squeal, he sails out after Rainbow Dash, holding his family jewels!

The two ponies speed closer and closer, but right at the last moment, Rainbow Dash opens her wings and rolls, avoiding leaving the stage. Darkened Flame is not so lucky. Still in far too much pain, he overshoots, his wings failing to catch the air, and he plows into the audience two rows down, sending seats, ponies and bronies alike flying through the air!

"Ooh! That had to hurt!" Rainbow does her best to hold back a smirk, only to lose it. She topples over, laughing uproariously at the terrible crash.

Nurse Redheart and another paramedic pony rush over to the crashed Darkened Flame, helping him to his feet. "I'm okay… How was that… Dashie?" He wobbles, falls back over, then gets helped up again.

"Not bad, but you could have done better! Let's see how you do on this next one!"

"Next one? Oooh…" The poor OC drops over again.

"Uh… we'll get back to him in a minute." Rainbow Dash looks up to where a large cannon sits. "Hey, you ready up there, Pip!?"

"All ready up here!" The tiny form of Pipsqueak called from inside the barrel.

"Alright! Ready for launch! Three, two, one, LAUNCH!" Rainbow slams down on a button, firing Pip into space!

The big screen slides down, showing Pip soaring up out of the atmosphere to the moon! The tiny pinto pony lands with a thud, throwing up a huge cloud of dust everywhere. Pip coughs a few times as the cloud disperses, revealing him once again.

"Well, that was fun!" He chuckles, looking about. "I wonder if my favorite Princess is around!"

"Hello Pip, what brings you to the moon today?" Luna steps into the scene.

"We're doin' a show, Princess! I got ta be in the cannon!" He looks around, then bows his head. "But I don't know how ta get back."

"Don't worry, Pip, I'll carry you back myself." Luna replies with a smile.

"You will!?" He hops onto her back. "You're my favorite Princess twice!" The screen turns off, sliding back up into the ceiling.

"Bleagh! Who let that sappiness get onto my show!?" Rainbow rolls her eyes. "On to the action! Now that we've gotten Darkened back up and at 'em, let's get on with the action!"

Rainbow Dash trots over to a door, opening it and going in. She peers out seductively, eyeing the still bandaged Darkened Flame. "So mister, you ready to do a little 'tangling' with me in the box?"

The battered OC's wings spring up as his eyes fix on the teasing Rainbow Dash, his legs sending him rushing after her! He pulls open the door and darts into the pitch black room. Rainbow, meanwhile, steps up onto the roof, stomping her hoof down on the box. The sides fall away, revealing it to be a barred cage with a sign hanging from it. Upon said sign, printed in big, bold letters, 'MANTICORE! DANGER! KEEP OUT!'

Inside the cage, Darkened looks up in surprise at the massive beast. Upon spotting the trapped intruder, the massive lion headed creature roars, sending the unfortunate OC scrambling for the bars!

"Help! Somepony help me!" He squeals, trying to squeeze between the heavy iron cage's gaps.

"Sorry, but if you really want to impress me, you're gonna have to beat that manticore!" Rainbow answers with a laugh.

Gulping back his fear, the pegasus rolls up a nonexistent sleeve, gritting his jaw as he turns to face the creature. Unluckily for him, the Manticore seems to have other ideas. It swipes it's paw, slapping him into and through the bars, breaking one in the process. Up he sails, soaring over your head and into the oldsters' box, where he slams right into Charlie the Unicorn!

"Ow…" Charlie manages from under the pile of disheveled feathers.

"I knew that chickens could fly," Geri Fore says, looking down at the mess, "but that was ridiculous!"

"Dohohohohohoho!"

The curtains sweep to a close, ending act two!

* * *

The curtain sweeps aside, revealing the library tree. Twilight is walking towards her door, unaware of a large, fluffy pink cloud seeping in through the balcony window, one that has a particularly Discord shaped face.

"Hi, I'm a random cotton candy cloud, slipping into your home. If you have cut rate homeowner's insurance, it may not cover the damages of mayhem like me!"

Twilight's horn flashes, opening her door. She barely has time to cry out as a wall of chocolate milk hits her, flooding out from the doorway, carrying countless books with her! She is swept halfway down the road to rest with her hind legs propped up in the air by Carousel Boutique, her books and scrolls floating on the now gooey chocolatey goodness drifting all about her!

"You should get Allstable, and protect your home from chaos! Muhahahahahaha!" The cloud laughs as Twilight blows a drip of chocolate milk off of her mane. The cloud zips overhead, penetrating Rarity's upper window, still chuckling cheerfully as it breaks and enters.

"Discord, you're cleaning this up!" She yells, glaring up at the hysterical weather phenomenon as the curtain falls again.

* * *

Spike steps out onto the stage around a large puddle of chocolate milk that somehow escaped the landscape beyond the stage. Pinkie Pie's tongue slowly slithers out from under the curtain behind him, growing to disproportionate size as it laps happily at the delicious mess.

"Boy, what a show we've had today! Discord has really stepped up his game! Wouldn't you say, Charlie?" Everypony looks up at the box, where a tree dripping with noodles pours its odd precipitation over the hapless unicorn.

"Oh yeah, it's been a scream. Can I go home now? I think my kidney is calling." Charlie answers irritably.

"Not yet, we still have three segments to go!" Spike answers, eliciting a groan from the unhappy special guest. Unperturbed by Charlie's whining, Spike continued. "It's that time, everypony! Bluenose and Yellowbelly risked life and limb to bring us one of the rarest and most deadly sights in the world! Get ready for one wild ride!"

The screen slowly extends down over the stage, it's display flashing to life as the theatre lights disappear… Who knows what they got this time… As the screen's images play, you hear strange, vaguely Pinkieish laughter, but something seems off. With growing dread, the audience holds their breath, awaiting the first signs of life upon the screen…

* * *

As the first signs of light appear, you can only see strange silhouettes in the wan, pale illumination. Long, sharp blades dangle next to cruel looking hooks and other items who's purpose can only be guessed at… All the while, eerie, haunting laughter echoes from all about you, as if the haunting scene is not a recording, but right there, surrounding you in the dark of the theatre…

You realize the camera is shaking slightly, the usually chittering laughter is instead a nervous scraping echoing faintly. The cameral slowly turns a corner, peering into a room illuminated by a small yellow light. Everything within the room is dark, much as the silhouettes from earlier, save for the mare in the middle. Gagged and bound to a chair, Rarity squirms in the bonds, an odd cap clasped over her horn. She moans and cries around the towel in her mouth, yet seems to be thoroughly trapped.

The haunting laughter grows closer, causing the camera to shift out of the light! For a moment, you catch the faint lines of Bluenose in the lens, only to lose sight of him a moment later as the camera once again focuses on the restrained unicorn. A pair of wide, soulless eyes glimmer in the darkness as the outline of Pinkie Pie appears behind Rarity, her usually bouncy hair hanging limp…

"Raaarity…" Pinkie whispers in the fashionista's ear, eliciting a mumbled squeak from the frightened pony. "…you know what you did, don't you Rarity..?"

Reaching slowly up, a pair of pink hooves undo the gag, letting it slide down Rarity's white neck… "Don't worry though, Pinkie Pie knows what to do with ponies like you…"

"Pinkie..!? Please, I don't know what I did! Honest! We're friends, right..!? You're my fri- EEEEH!" The panicking Rarity tries to calm down the clearly psychotic pony, only to squeal in terror as a pair of scissors thrust past her eye! "Please Pinkie! Tell me what I did! I'll make it up to you, I promise!"

"Do you Pinkie Promise?" The eerie voice asked, withdrawing the scissors.

"Yes, yes of course! I would never break a Pinkie Promise!" Rarity whined in terror.

"Lies!" Pinkie screams, her voice suddenly violent and wrathful! "You broke your Pinkie Promise! You lied to me about coming to my party last tuesday! Now you're going to pay, Rarity! You're going to pay dearly!"

"I-I didn't mean it! I was… uh… busy! Yes… that's it! I was busy!" Rarity cries, pleading for Pinkie's forgiveness…

"Oh no, not this time, Rarity! This time, you're gonna learn the price of your selfishness!" Pinkie steps slowly into the light, revealing a beautiful outfit that flows out radiantly, covered tastefully with tiny gems and made of the finest fabric.

"Please don't… Wait, are you wearing the dress I made during your par-" Rarity paused, blinking in confusion. Suddenly her eyes widen in realization. "No! You wouldn't!"

Pinkie, who no longer looks quite so insane, nods with a smile. She reaches up, pulling down a rope with a handle on the end. "This is the price for breaking your promise."

"Please no! I worked so hard on that dress! It was for a special occasion- Aaaaahh! What are you doing!? Stop!" The fashionista watched in horror as the pink party pony pulled the handle. From the darkness above, thick, gooey brown cake batter starts falling in a constant drizzle, splattering on Pinkie Pie's nose.

"No! Not my dress! Please Pinkie, do whatever you want to me! Anything but the dress!" Rarity cries in dismay as Pinkie walks into the stream of batter, letting it slowly coat the fine silken fabric. Smiling coyly, she rolls onto her side, twisting so that more cake mix seeps into every seam and crevice of the fine garment. She slowly licks up cake batter, enjoying the mess she's making all over the floor!

Rarity squeals in helpless sorrow and rage as her friend proceeds to pull out the scissors, slowly snipping bits of the dress off and tasting them, suckling the gems in her mouth to cleanse them of cakey goodness. Then, she starts running her hooves up her own body, collecting cake batter and pieces of the slowly dissected garment, lapping at them tantalizingly as she revels in her sugar coated revenge!

Finally, after several minutes, she pulls her tail up between her legs, and starts slurping cake batter out of it as well, a task that seems fruitless considering more is still pouring down on her head. Rarity has ceased yelling, and is now sobbing in the chair, powerless to aid her ruined finery.

"There! Are you happy now!? You got what you wanted! My dress is ruined! Completely destroyed!" She cried dramatically, yelling at Pinkie Pie. "Let me free now! I want to mourn my lost creation!"

Looking up from her messy tail, Pinkie grinned sadistically. "I didn't hear you apologize. Say you're sorry."

"No! You ruined my work! You tied me up! I refuse to be sorry to you while you're behaving like an animal!" Rarity snarled, her mood aroused to fury.

"Suit yourself!" Pinkie smiled, getting up from the massive puddle. "Oh, and I hope you like cake batter!"

"Wait, what are you doing!?" Rarity demanded as Pinkie Pie starts nudging the chair towards the drizzling mix. "No, you can't!"

"You didn't apologize." Pinkie replies with one last push. An ear piercing scream echoes through the eerie place as the changeling camera crew bursts out laughing! The camera bounces about as it recedes from the light, losing substance as the screen goes dark and the theatre lights come up.

* * *

Spike stares openmouthed at the screen, the microphone hanging limply in his claw. Twilight emerges from stage right, her horn flashing as she removes the audio device from her stunned assistant's grasp. "Well that was a wild one! We'd like to thank our camera crew for daring Sugarcube Corner in the middle of the night to get that footage! Consequently, Rarity will not be presenting herself for the fan mail segment."

As the other girls emerge onto the stage, Applejack pulls out a letter, which promptly levitates up to Twilight. "Thank you, Applejack."

"No prob, Twi." Applejack responds.

"Ahem, today's letter is from Captain.Brony of Fimfiction.net, who asks us what our favorite video games are." Twilight says, then turns to her friends. "So who would like to answer first?"

"I'll go!" Rainbow Dash answers quickly. "I'm a big fan of Left 4 Dead, and I've always liked Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2! They're so awesome!"

Pinkie Pie starts bouncing up and down. "Ooh! Ooh! I like all kinds of games! Especially games about partying! My favorite game is Mario Party! Oh wait, no it's Portal! Oh! Oh! Halo! I like Halo! And Kirby! I love Kirby! And what about-"

"Pinkie!" Twilight cuts off the rambling pony. "I think that's enough favorites."

"Oh, okay Twilight! You're the boss! Well, actually he's the boss!" Pinkie points out of my computer and up at me, where I struggle to write the next line.

"Okay… Now that we're done breaking walls-" Twilight is about to continue when Dr. Whooves pops up.

"The term you're looking for is recursive reality."

Twilight breathes out an irritated sigh. "Thank you, Doctor. Now who's next, before we suffer another interruption."

"Ah always fancied Motorstorm! Ah mean, crashin' everythin' into each other like a buncha pigs in a mudpile was always great fun!" Applejack answered with a smile. "How 'bout you, Fluttershy?"

"Umm… well, I kinda like playing Animal Crossing. It's nice and quiet, and nopony gets hurt." Fluttershy smiles, looking back to Twilight.

"Well okay then, I suppose it's my turn. My favorite games are the Professor Layton puzzle games, though I do enjoy strategy games like the Total War series. It's always a lot of fun to match wits and brains against my friends online!" Twilight answers, looking back to all of you. "Well, I hope that answers your questions, Captain.Brony! Thank you!" The girls step from the stage, Twilight levitating the still stunned Spike along with her.

* * *

The curtains raise, revealing a news desk backed by dozens of monitors, displaying news reports, sports, weather, stock market information, and historical pieces. Over their heads, a large sign proclaims them the Cutie Mark News Network. Three little fillies sit at the desk, each with a serious face on.

"Good day to everypony, I'm Sweetie Belle, and we're…" She pauses, to be joined by her friends a moment later.

"THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADER NEWS CREW!" They all holler cheerfully, big smiles spread across their faces.

"Today on CMNN, we want to address a serious issue in our schools, bullying." Scootaloo explains, shuffling papers importantly in front of her.

"Bullyin' is a growin' issue in schools, where young 'uns are learnin' ta push others around like it's okay." Apple Bloom says.

"For a while now, we've looked into cases of bullying, from schoolyard pushing to name calling on the bus. Just recently, a bus monitor was called lots of nasty things by kids. It got so bad, the poor lady started crying." Sweetie Belle says seriously.

"We decided the best course of action was to compare the behavior of human kids to fillies and colts like us, to see what the differences are like." Scootaloo explains as she gestures up at the screen wall. A chart appears on one of the screens, showing a pony and a human outline in several different columns. "As you can see, the use of mean words, words way worse than stupid or hay, are used by lots of kids. I don't even think ponies have words like that."

"Hurtful words 're not nice, an' can even make a person feel so bad, they maht hurt themselves! Ah wanna know why it's okay fer these kids ta say them." Apple Bloom stares sadly at you.

"Our investigative reporter Featherweight," Sweetie Belle explains as the pegasus colt's scrawny image appears on another screen, "took an interview with some of the humans at schools where these kinds of problems happened. Here's what he learned from the interview."

The screen with Featherweight becomes a darkened room, lighting up only the lower half of a man's body. Across from him, the skinny colt sits on a cushion. "So tell me, sir, why do kids get to be so mean with their words? Don't they know it hurts everypony?"

"A lot of kids don't care. They learn it from TV, from friends, even from their parents, and imitate it willingly." The mysterious speaker explains.

"What about punishment? Don't the kids get in trouble for this kind of behavior?" Featherweight asks.

"There's little we in the school system can do. Even raising our voices is now unacceptable punishment, and physical force can only be used to stop students from hurting each other. It's sad, but the only real punishment we can offer is detention and suspension." The man shakes his head.

"Oh wow. If I misbehaved in my class like that, Miss Cheerilee has a ruler… What about the parents? What are they doing to show their kids that their behavior is wrong?"

"Anymore, it seems that some parents are either too busy or don't care enough to tend to their kids. We're living in a modern society where people have multiple jobs, and both parents work. Some of them were raised the same way too, so they end up passing on what they learned. It's a brutal cycle, one that won't end until someone starts punishing them for their behavior." The darkened figure says.

Looking back at the camera, Featherweight shakes his head. "A truly interesting thought. Back to you girls."

"Thank you, Featherweight." Sweetie Belle says with a smile, then looks out at you. "There's not a whole lot we as ponies can do to change your world, except for setting the example."

Apple Bloom picks up the thought. "It's up ta you ta spread the magic of friendship an' harmony to everypony you know!"

Scootaloo is leaning on the news desk with a smile. "Do either of you think Featherweight is kinda cute?"

"Not right now, Scoot!" Sweetie Belle chides. "We're doing a report! … and don't you look at him that way!"

"What way? Like this?" Scootaloo asks, half closing her eyes and smiling sweetly.

"Yes that way! Stop it!" Sweetie Belle hisses irritably, showing off a bit of her big sister's example.

"I'm an orphan, I do what I want!" Scootaloo replies.

"Uh, ah think that's all fer today! See y'all nex' time on CMNN!" Apple Bloom waves as the other two girls jump down from behind the news desk and start pushing each other! The curtain sweeps to a close, the lights come up, and Twilight steps out onto the stage.

"That's all for today's Pony Variety Show! We'd like to specially thank our writing staff for their contributions to this project. Our writing crew includes Lillyfoot15.deviantart, porcumoose.deviantart, FimFiction's Captain Literal, KartalTheWriter, Horns_n_halo, and tacotel! You all have done a wonderful job, and we want to say thank you for everything!"

"Have a great day, everypony, and we hope to see you next time on the Pony Variety Show!"

* * *

The crowd shifts slowly, whispering and chattering about all of the craziness, the goofy antics, and the funny segments on the show. As you depart, you hear Charlie the Unicorn begging not to be sent back, followed by a burst of magical light. Glancing back, you see Twilight looking about in confusion. On the stage, there is a large burn ring that is smoldering from the center, as if something were just disintegrated there.

The crowd forces you along, pushing until you find yourself in the foyer. Pip and Princess Luna are sitting at the comments booth, waiting to hear your feedback, take any fan mail you may have, and take suggestions for the next show! There is also a booth for Allstable Insurance, being watched by a zany looking, little purple pony wearing a propeller cap, who seems even more disoriented than Derpy. She grins and waves at you all, then starts slowly lowering down behind the table…

After you share your thoughts, visit the booths, and say your goodbyes, you make it out into the parking lot… where cars are struggling vainly against chewing gum that's smeared over the entire surface. Maybe you want Allstable after all...

Episode 6

The Pony Variety Show!

The energy in the theatre is almost electric as ponies and bronies squeeze through the doors, pushing past the new popcorn and snack stands to get into the showroom! Pinkie Pie smiles eagerly at you from the stand, then proceeds to dash about grabbing various snacks for hungry customers as they flood up to buy her treats!

"C'mon y'all! Let me through! Ya can get yerself a tart once ah get's ta the stand!" Applejack calls, trying to push her way through the concession stand goers, carrying a tray of freshly baked batch of apple tarts on her head. She is forced to nimbly dodge as greedy hands and mouths take shots at her baking, while others shove bills and bits at Pinkie, who attempts to keep up with their purchases.

After acquiring any treats that you feel the urge to dare the crowd for, you make your way down the dark, light studded aisle to the seats. It takes a bit to squeeze through and find yourself a spot, but soon enough you manage. As the crowd begins to settle down, you start hearing a commotion from somewhere behind the stage.

"Derpy, don't touch those! They could be-" Twilight Sparkle's warning is cut short by a sound like a hundred balloons deflating simultaneously.

The curtains are roughly displaced along the bottom edge by a flood of sky blue flowers, from which Derpy's head pops out. Something is curiously wrong with the usually silly looking grey pony. Her eyes are correctly aligned, her messy blond mane is not only straight, but tidy, and she doesn't look even the slightest bit awkward.

"I say, sorry about that ol' chap!" She calls backstage, emerging from the massive pile of Poison Joke flowers. "I really didn't mean to. Not quite sure what went wrong there."

Twilgiht Sparkle… uh… I mean Dusk Shine, emerges from behind the curtain in a rush! "Oh no no no no! Not now! Not right as the audience is… Gah! The audience! Quickly Der- I mean Dapper, we need to get this fixed! The show is about to start, and-"

The curtains sweep back, revealing the singers appear, all covered in sequin lined disco suits. They promptly begin singing the opening theme as Dusk Shine dashes about, trying to shove them all backstage.

"It's time for the show-show-show!

Let's get up and go-go-go!

You bronies prepare-pare-pare,

It's our time to share-share-share!

Hey weren't you just a mare?"

Dusk Shine groans exasperatedly. "Yes I was a ma- I mean, I am a mare! I'm just messed up right now! Stop singing! Go on, get backstage! We need to fix this before we can run the show! I can't be a colt right now!"

A flash of light appears next to you, right where the vast form of Discord now sits. He tilts his head down, whispering to you out of the corner of his mouth. "The Poison Joke was my idea! Priceless, isn't it!?"

With as second flash, the draconequus disappears, leaving you to enjoy the show.

"Oh he was a mare-mare-mare!

It's our time to share-share-share!

We fly high and dance low, we're getting in the flow,

It's the Pooonyyy Variiietyyy Shooooow!"

"No! We're not doing this right now! Get in there! Get in there all of you!" Dusk Shine screams, pushing the dancing ponies back behind the falling curtain as the show begins.

"Oh my!" The sensual, oddly familiar voice echoes over the audience, drawing eyes up to the booth, where George Takei sits alongside Mr. Waddle and Geri Fore in the private box. "That was a truly enlightening line, Mr. Shine. I think I will look forward to watching you perform."

"Hey there everybody!" Mr. Waddle hollers to you all. "Please welcome the helmsman of the Enterprise, outspoken rights activist, and our special guest, George Takei!"

Applause spreads through the theatre for the celebrity guest. A spotlight turns to the booth as he stands up, smiling for you all. "Thank you for having me on your show. I must say it is a wonderful experience being here, and I must say, this looks to be an interesting episode."

"Uuugh, this is all wrong! We weren't supposed to introduce the special guest yet!" Dusk complains as he trots over to the curtain. "Spike! Get out here! You're supposed to be making the announcements!"

"Uh, Twi- ah mean, Dusk, we got ourselves a bit of a problem here." Applejack enters the stage, a balloon tied about her body. Floating above her, Spike floats, puffed up until he's almost a ball with a muzzle, tail, and clawtips.

"Sorry Dusk, I'm not sure I can announce today." Spike squeaks, sounding like he just swallowed a whole lot of helium.

"Gaaaah!" Dusk shouts, "Can anything else go wrong today!?"

Music begins to play as the curtain sweeps open, revealing the first act. Several OCs are caught trotting about, trying to get the stage set, but to no avail. A pair of unicorn stallions sit in the middle of what was probably supposed to be a garden, kissing each other passionately.

The male of the two, a white pony with a blue and green mane styled in a mohawk, peeks his eye open, and seeing the chaos, pulls his lips from the other. "Uhh, Wind Whistler… I think something's wrong."

He looks over at his kissing companion, a white maned, purple pony. "Wait!? You… you're a colt!"

The purple stallion looks down at himself in surprise, then squeals in surprise. "What happened to me!? What about our love song, Caramel!? Where did Fluttershy go!?"

They both look about, but the only sign of the yellow mare is a tall, slender yew tree holding a microphone. Unable to sit with this, Wind Whistler races from the stage, crying. Caramel, apparently the white pony, sits back on his haunches, looking about awkwardly. His eyes are suddenly caught by the more slender, though still burly form of Big Macintosh, who has also apparently suffered from the genderbending effects of this particular Poison Joke.

"Oh hey, you got it too, huh?" Caramel asks.

"Eeyup."

Caramel starts eyeing the red mare, seemingly growing a bit enamored. His eyes droop, and his voice grows sultry. "So, do you want to hang out?"

Big Mac's eyes shrink in alarm. "Nnope!"

"Oh my!" George calls out as the large, red mare makes a break for it, pursued by the colt! "i didn't realize this was that kind of show. Is it always this way?"

"Nope." Geri Fore answers. "Usually someone in the audience has gotten hurt by now!"

"Dohohohoho!"

The curtains fall on the antics as a commercial break ensues, giving poor Dusk Shine a little time to sort out the mess!

* * *

A burst of magical cloud floods over the stage. Confetti cannons fire off on either side as Trixie is carried out onto the stage atop a platform carried by Snips and Snails, who are huffing and puffing under the weight of their favorite unicorn. A shimmering, deep blue banner unrolls, proclaiming 'The Great and Powerful Trixie, 2012!' behind the blue unicorn as she struts up to the front of the stage.

"Welcome to the amazing brilliance of The Great and Powerful Trixie! I have chosen to participate in these Ruler of Everything elections, which of course I will win." She pats herself on the chest, showing her teeth as she smiles proudly.

"First, let Trixie ask you, why does one such as I need a running partner? Unlike these others, Trixie needs no other pony to win, and will clearly demonstrate her mastery of the electoral system by triumphing without the aid of an assistant!"

"Second, The Great and Powerful Trixie has listened to the feeble arguments of the other candidates, and she feels most confident that she will deliver far better than any so-called royalty, lies from non-ponies, and ridiculous contraptions that get up and walk away from their masters."

"Finally, Trixie will bedazzle and amaze her new subjects and enemies alike. None will dare test her incredible, indescribable magical powers once Trixie is done demonstrating her full potential!"

Suddenly another OC bursts onto the scene, nearly knocking Trixie over as he flies by on white wings. He lands in a dramatic pose, his red and purple mane blowing in a nonexistent wind.

"Have no fear! Captain Literal is here!" He declares loudly, puffing out his chest.

Snorting angrily at the upstaging OC, Trixie steps down from her erstwhile podium, getting right into Captain Literal's face. "The Great and Powerful Trixie did not demand a heroic feat of any kind, you nimrod!"

Captain Literal responds by pushing Trixie gently aside, he quickly usurps the limelight, causing Trixie to turn a very unladylike shade of red. "Do not worry, my good mare! I'll save this commercial interruption by making it better!"

Trixie's eyes drooped irritably. "You mean that you are going to flesh it out."

"Commercials don't need flesh, my silly little filly! They need action!" Captain Literal launches into the air, creating a whirlwind upon the stage! Snips and Snails are promptly sucked into the growing storm, followed by a very unwilling Trixie.

"StooOOoooOOoooOOoop IT you fOOooaAAl!" Trixie squeals.

"Very well then!" Captain Literal promptly ceases creating the tornado, causing the three hapless ponies into the audience like projectiles! Snips comes skidding to a stop under your chair, his eyes spinning.

"Woooh… Let's not go on that ride again, mommy…" He mumbles as he wobbles to his feet.

"Once again, the day is saved! Captain Literal, away!" With that, the OC whips off over the audience's heads, disappearing through the door.

* * *

Dapper Whooves emerges from the right side of the stage, looking slightly bothered. "Ahem, due to the consequential nature of having our good and dear friend Spike incapacitated at this very moment, Mr. Shine has requested that I fill in for him. As such, here is our next act, one Battlefriends: Baked Bads 2."

As the now snobbish stallion steps aside, he gestures to the curtains, which slide open. "We find our heroes recovering some kind of classified intelligence from where it was lost, high in the mountain strongholds of the griffons."

You feel an incredibly chilly wind flood into the room, followed by snowflakes as you stare out onto a mountainside road along a cliff. Tall pines fill in the rolling crags, and a truck seems to be racing towards you, the loud chatter of gunfire emitting from it. Two more vehicles are tearing along in it's wake, filled with angry griffins carrying AK-47s.

As the first truck near, you see Dusk Shine leaning out the passenger side window, firing his own AK back at the angry griffons. In the driver's seat, Pinkie Pie is doing her best to control the speeding vehicle, biting her tongue as she scowls out the half shattered front window. Applejack is sitting in the back, handling some kind of grenade launcher, while Rainbow Dash takes potshots with a rifle.

"What in the hay did you bake into those muffins, Private Sugarwater!?" Dusk Shine yells over at Pinkie, aka Pvt. Sugarwater. The pink pony turns the wheel hard, slewing the truck around a tight bend, throwing the girls in the back over.

"Oh, nothing important! Just the intel that we were supposed to pick up, Sergeant Twiford." Pinkie replies with a smile. The angry Dusk Shine, aka Sgt. Twiford, doesn't look amused.

Applejack fires off the grenade launcher with a thump, slamming one of the explosive rounds into the hood of the lead pursuit vehicle. "What the buck, Sugarwater!? Ya tryin' ta get us all killed!?"

"No, but that cliff ahead might." Pinkie answers, swerving the truck again. The cargo hauler nearly rolls as it skids around yet another narrow corner, giving their vehcle a little leeway from the griffons.

Back behind them, Gilda is doing her best to hold on while leveling a submachine gun on the ponies from the back of her own vehicle. "It's time for some payback! I'll teach you lame-os a thing or two for stealing from us!"

Her gun chatters, throwing bullets against the tail end of the lead truck. Applejack and Rainbow Dash duck behind the heavy, steel tailgate as the deadly projectiles ricochet off of it.

"Not cool!" Ranbow snaps, raising her rifle to take another shot at her former friend.

Suddenly the military truck's engine coughs, cutting out. "What the hay you doin' up there, Sugar!?" Applejack asks, looking up towards the cab.

"Get us moving, they're almost on top of us!" Dusk Shine yells, looking over at the struggling pink pony.

"Oh buck, oh buck, oh buck, oh buck, oh buck!" Applejack panics, her eyes growing wide as Gilda's truck comes barreling in towards them.

"Gotcha now, dweebs!" Gilda laughs triumphantly, brandishing a rocket launcher.

"Got it!" Ranbow calls as her rifle cracks a report. There doesn't seem to be any damage to the racing vehicle or it's occupants.

"Ya missed, Marlowe! How could ya buckin' miss!?" Applejack demands, staring incredulously over at the grinning Rainbow Dash.

In the driver's seat, Pinkie starts bouncing as her tail twitches spastically. "Hey, my tail's a-twitchin'! Something's gonna fall!"

There's a roar as the second, still burning truck swerves over, it's driver slumped against the wheel. Gilda only has enough time to look over at the other truck, screeching an eagle's cry in panic as it careens into her own vehicle! The impact throws both trucks over the edge, leaving the girls free of pursuit, even as Pinkie manages to get the engine fired up again.

"Whew, that was close." Pinkie says calmly. Dusk Shine looks on the verge of a panic attack, then lets out an exasperated sigh and slumps his head.

"Just get us out of here, Sugarwater…"

"You got it, mister ma'am, sir!" Pinkie salutes, driving the truck off as the curtains sweep to a close.

* * *

Stepping out onto the stage, a sleazy looking brown pegasus with a wicked grey combover mane smiles at all of you in that familiar, car salesman way that makes you cringe. The big screen slowly slides down, projecting an old, 1974 Cadillac commercial as the pony begins his introduction.

"Famine in Ethiopia? Hahaha! No, I've got something much more important to tell you about, cars! Hi, I'm Fleetwood Eldorado Brougham, the owner of Ponyville's only Cadillac-Buick-Chevorlet dealership, selling the finest vintage cars this side of Manehattan, and have I got a deal for you! Today we're featuring this rare 1978 Cadillac Seville Opera Coupe! She's the lap of luxury, folks, with full, leather interior, in perfect shape, and ready for a test drive, all at Ponyville Cadillac-Buick-Chevorlet! Now do I have any questions?"

Fluttertree raises her hoof… er… branch. "I… um… I have a question… Mr. Brougham sir… How environmentally friendly are your cars?" You're really not sure how she's talking, but right at the moment, it seems kind of beside the point.

Fleetwood blinks, then answers promptly. "Buck you, now moving on! Any more questions from the audience!?"

Several others raise their hands and hooves. The salespony looks about, finally settling on Dusk Shine, who looks rather annoyed. "Miss… er… Mr. Shine, how about you?"

"How good is the gas mileage on these cars?"

"Buck you too! Okay, anypony got a question that's not related to how practical they are?" Fleetwood seems to be getting irritated by the questions. Most of the audience seems to agree, as hands and hooves lower in droves.

"Ah… Alright then. How about you. Miss Rarity, was it?" He points his hoof dramatically over to the fashionista, who seems to have a bit of a bone to pick.

"Mr. Brougham, you strike me as a determined salespony, but all things considered, I could simply stroll out right now, buy myself a brand-new BMW with all of the luxury of one of your cars, plus excellent gas mileage. What makes your cars so special?" Rarity asks.

"Are you kidding me!?" Mr. Brougham gasps in mock shock. An adventurous western beat starts playing over the speakers as he passionately answers the question.

"The Cadillac is the best that has ever been produced! These are the cars that world leaders drive! If you want yourself a BMW, sure you'll get a nice car, but that's all it is, a hunk of metal that you drive and nothing more. A Cadillac, oh, that's a way of life sister! You see my cutie mark?" Fleetwood gestures to the black landau iron marking his rump.

"Oh my!" George Takei's voice calls from the balcony, eliciting chuckles from the audience.

"Moving on." Fleetwood grumbles, then returns promptly back into his sales pitch. "I got this when I was a little colt, the first time I saw a Cadillac for myself. I knew from that day forward, that this company was my destiny! It can be yours too, Ponyville!"

"Cadillac is an elegant, sophisticated automobile for elegant, sophisticated socialites like yourselves. You drive one, I promise, no I guarantee that everypony will love you to death. Ponies will take their hats off when you drive past. You'll be having dinner with Canterlot's elite! You'll earn the unwavering respect of everypony you meet!"

Finally winded by his spiel, Fleetwood gasps for breath, leaving the room nearly silent. A clatter of hooves breaks the quiet as Trixie, fresh from cleaning herself up, rushes onto the stage. "The Great and Powerful Trixie has been sold! I'll take your top-of-the-line model, Mr. Brougham!"

"Thank you, Miss Trixie. You have just invested in your new way of life!"

"Perfect, soon the Great and Powerful Trixie will have a car to match her status as Ruler of Everything!" She laughs to herself as Fleetwood Brougham walks her from the stage.

"Heh heh, sucker…"

"That was quite a sales pitch." Mr. Waddle comments.

"Yeah, too bad he hit a screwball." Geri Fore replies.

"Dohohohohoho!"

* * *

The curtains sweep dramatically aside, revealing a finely appointed shop, filled with glass cases displaying exquisite pieces of fine china. The simple, yet beautifully decorated plates, cups, and bowls each holding a certain charm.

As the theatre's lights fade away, spotlights focus in on the stage. The rhythms of 'Ride of the Valkyries' begins to play as Iron Will, Dapper Whooves, and Rainbow Dash tiptoe into the spotlights from the left side of the stage, each wearing an off-white, frill skirted leotard.

Despite the tight garment, Dapper Whooves seems right at home, tiphoofing across the shop with the ease of a master. The same could not be said of Iron Will or Rainbow Dash, who both struggled along each pace. The large minotaur struggled along, his body not built for the delicate motions of ballet. Rainbow Dash was fighting a very different struggle, for the garment seemed to have an enmity to settle with the tomboyish pegasus. With each step, she squirmed in the leotard, nearly losing her balance.

As the music began rising, so to did the dancers begin to flourish upon their moves. A pirouette by Iron Will sent him stumbling, smashing headfirst into a cabinet. Dozens of plates shattered under the blow, and as he drew back from the wall, he pulled the cabinet along with him upon his horns! With a mighty crash, the entire compliment of dishes came pouring out, busting upon the ground as he tried to rid himself of the busted furnishing!

A flailing hoof from the larger creature narrowly missed Rainbow Dash, who was barely managing her own twist. With a yelp of surprise, she leaned further than she could hold, lost her footing, and slammed into a shelf. Grabbing the wood with her hooves, she caught a shelf cloth with her teeth. Neither arrested her progress, and she went crashing to the floor. The unfortunate shelf and all of the fine teacups sitting upon the cloth fell right along with her.

Dapper swept past both of the others, still caught up in the same moment that had dropped the other two. He came to a graceful bow, then rises to continue dancing, narrowly being missed by Iron Will, who falls backwards off the stage. The minotaur comes crashing backwards into the crowd, squashing at least one of the audience members under his bulk.

Rainbow Dash managed to push herself back to her feet and continue the dance, but she stepped on a stray plate, sending her tumbling into the shelf on the opposite side. Looking up as it tottered towards her, Rainbow jerked hard, tearing out the back of the leotard, spreading her wings, and dodging from under the heavy cabinet. She only barely squeezed out in time, followed by the loud shattering of expensive plates and cups!

As the song came to an end, Dapper took a long, elegant bow, surrounded by the devastated china. The entire shop was in ruins, a handful of audience members sore from Iron Will's stumble. Rainbow Dash's wings got entangled with the ripped leotard only a moment after she took off, which sent her plunging into some poor brony, who had now captured her and was promising to never let the powder blue pegasus go, to which she was objecting fiercely.

"Lemme go! I need to get out of this thing! Somepony help me! I've caught a fanboy!" Rainbow yelled, squirming to escape the obsessive grip of her captor.

Rubbing his head, Iron Will pushed himself off of his unfortunate acquaintances. "Why did Iron Will agree to this again?"

"Well, at least that disaster came to an end." Dusk Shine whispered, staring in horror at the utter destruction wrought upon the stage. "At least it can't get any worse."

At that moment, something sparked. Within moments, the entire china shop was ablaze. The curtains fell closed as the crew went to work trying to control the blaze. Dapper stepped up, seemingly oblivious to the crisis behind the curtains.

"We shall endeavor to deal with this most unfortunate turn of events, and be with you again in a moment."

* * *

For a while, you wonder if they're going to get the fire out, but finally the smoke has ceased billowing from behind the curtains. There's still some commotion, but it seems to have died down. From somewhere in the back, you hear Flim and Flam discussing the floor repairs, Dusk Shine trying to get the crew back in order, and Pinkie Pie babbling constantly about caffeine. Apparently the party pony has had a little too much, and is ricocheting off of the walls!

From the left side of the stage, a light blue pony with a red mane steps, looking a little embarrassed. He clears his throat, then speaks into the mic he's holding. "Sorry about the delay folks. It took a bit, but we have the fire under control, so no need to worry. It's about time for our peek behind the scenes here on the Pony Variety Show!, so sit back, relax, and let's see what those two jokesters, Bluenose and Yellowbelly have for us today."

Upon hearing their names, the pranksters shoot out from behind the curtains, holding their forehooves up to take in the audience's cheers. "Keekeekeekee! We gotcha good stuff today! Good, good stuffs! The Twilight pony will never stop hearing these jokes! Keekeekeekeekee!" Yellowbelly giggles.

"Wait, what!? Didn't you two do enough damage the last time!?" Dusk Shine bursts onto the stage from through the curtains, murder in his eyes. "Why are you going after me again!?"

"Because, keekeekeekee, you so easy ta make fun of!" Bluenose manages before bursting out laughing.

"Uugh! You to better not have… you know what, I'm not saying anything else!" Dusk snaps.

"Ooh, you have more secrets for us!? Let's go!" Yellowbelly laughs as the two pranksters zip off.

"Boldheart, are you going to let them get away with this!?" Dusk demands, looking squarely at the other pony on stage.

"What do you want me to do? It's your contract, Twilight." Boldheart answers, looking sorry for the mare turned stallion.

With a long, heavy sigh, Dusk Shine plods off of the stage, bemoaning her circumstances. "Sure, blame it on the contract! As if my day can't get any harder, now they're putting up another video of me!"

The screen slides down as the lights dim. The show begins.

* * *

The view begins to light up, but only enough for you to see the vague outline of somepony. The unknown figure seems to have a large, round head, crested with some kind of fins. The body of the figure seems to be little more than a ball set underneath it, attached by a very short neck. The creature appears to have clawed arms, but no more is visible in the dark.

"Keekeekee! You say you're close to the Twilight pony?" You hear one of the changelings ask, chuckling at his own question.

The voice that answers is clearly modified to be very deep, keeping their identity securely hidden. "Yes, I'm very close, if you know what I mean."

"So tell us, thing you are. Tell us about Twilight pony's secrets! Keekeekeekee!"

"Sure, Twilight has lots of secrets she doesn't think I know about, but I'm pretty sharp for a… friend… yeah, that's it." The figure answers, apparently nervous about giving too much of it's identity away. "First, I'll tell you all about her naughty books. As everypony knows, Twilight reads everything, and I mean everything these days! There was a time she might overlook a book, but now she's gotten even worse. Like, she even reads those cheesy fliers that you get at airports and travel agencies, you know? But this, oho, this is a doozie. Some of her favorite books are hidden in her room near the bed. They're some kind of love books, the sort that she'll read late at night, rolling around on her bed and making funny noises to. Sometimes, she even gets up in front of the mirror, and reenacts them to herself. I know, I've caught her doing it twice!"

"Keekeekeekeekeekee!" The interviewer bursts out laughing at the description, only recovering to ask yet another question. "Does the Twilight pony know that you know about this?"

"Heh, not a chance. I'd never hear the end of it if she did! Nope, ol' Spi- uh… Spiderman has all kinds of secrets… yeah that's it, I'm Spiderman! But yeah, I've got all kinds of secrets hidden everywhere in the library, and Twilight has no idea!"

"Keekeekee! So tell us more about the Twilight pony, Spiderman." The troublemaking changeling says.

"Let's see, oh, there was the time that Twilight started having her special times." The figure lifts a clawed hand.

"Special times? What special times?" The interviewer asks.

"Like the times when mares start acting funny and getting blood everywhere. Well, Twilight's first time was not only a mess, but of course she wanted to share it with the Princess. She wanted to share it so much, that she burst into a council meeting, ran straight up to Princess Celestia, and started crying against her coat, right in front of the stag dignitaries! I heard they almost declared war over the offense! Can you believe it!?"

"Keekeekeekee! Sparklebutt almost started a war because she's a filly! Keekeekeekee!" Now it becomes clear that two changelings are doing the interviewing, as both fall over laughing. One of them finally recovers, setting the camera straight. "So why was the Twilight pony so upset? Did somepony make her that way?"

"Oh yeah, totally! She had been hit so bad that day, that she started getting all crazy. She doesn't like to talk about it, but Guard ponies actually make her… um… yeah. There was this one pegasus stallion named Lightning Blitz, she liked that one a lot! Of course, he was a full grown stallion, and she was just a filly, ya know!? She followed him around all day, rubbing her side against his leg, asking him awkward questions, and doing her little 'Sunshine' dance in front of him!"

"Oh my!" The sound of George Takei's voice sends a ripple of laughter through the audience around you.

"The whole situation was made even more awkward by the fact that he was already married. He didn't want to send Twilight away for fear she'd tell the Princess on him, but all of the other Guard ponies started joking about it. During dinner that evening, when Twilight popped up under his seat at the dining table, he finally lost it, screamed in front of the entire Royal Guard, and threw himself out of a stained glass window. He was in therapy for weeks! Huhahahahaha!"

Unable to contain itself any longer, the shadow dropped over, laughing hysterically at the memory. The changelings were equally amused, laughing uproariously, bumping the camera again in their humor. It took a few minutes for them to recover.

"Keekeekee… ah huh… okay, okay… tell us more about Twilight pony." One of the interviewer asks.

"Have you ever heard of Twilight Sparkle cooking?" The so-called 'Spiderman' replies with their own question, then answers anyway. "Everypony knows that Twilight doesn't cook, but the real reason is because of what happens when she tries! One time, we were at Sweet Apple Acres with our friends, and I had made a fruit salad. Well, I figured that since we'd be in an apple orchard, we'd just pick some and add them to the salad once we were there. Little did I know that Twilight wanted to be the one to add them. She insisted that she was finally ready, despite other instances of attempting to cook, so we let her."

"Nearly a dozen apple trees burned to the ground in the fire, and several more had limbs so badly scorched that we had to cut them away. We didn't get our picnic lunch, and Twilight hasn't been let near a knife since." The figure finished, eliciting more chuckles from the changelings.

"Keekeekee! So tell us, what is the most embarrassing thing you have learned about the Twilight pony? The thing that her friends will say it, and she will turn all red and run away!" One of the pranksters asked gleefully.

"Well, there was the secret of Smarty Pants." The outlined figure said, eliciting a gasp from Dusk Shine, who emerged moments before at the mention.

"What about the Smarty one!?" The changelings sounded almost ecstatic to hear the tale.

"She would only get him out late at night, when she thought nopony was around. She would take the little doll up to her bed, and-" There is a brilliant burst of magic as Dusk Shine, panicked by the unveiling of the story, blasts the screen with an enormous bolt of energy. The large electrical apparatus is ripped apart by the energy, sending razor sharp shrapnel flying into the heavy red curtains behind them!

* * *

"I'm sorry everypony." Dusk Shine mumbles before the audience and half a dozen stage crew caught by the debris. "I shouldn't have been so hasty."

"It's okay, Twi… uh… Dusk." Applejack replies, ignoring the cast now around her left foreleg. "We all get embarrassed sometimes. Besides, whoever that fella was, he was spoutin' some right nonsense about ya."

"Ahehehe… nonsense… right." Dusk replies, lowering his head as his cheeks flare red.

"Ooh, ooh! Guess what it's time for!? Fan mail!" Pinkie squeals gleefully, holding an envelope. "Can I read it, can I!?"

Smiling at the incorrigible pony, Dusk Shine nods. "Of course you can, Pinkie."

"Alrighty then!" Pinkie reads the letterhead, then rips off the envelope, her eyes darting over the contents. She looks up at me with irritation. "Mr. Writer, did you lose the name of the pony who asked this question?"

"Uh… yes? Look, I tried to find the comment, but it's been a while, and I can't remember everything!" From somewhere outside of the computer this story was written on, I answer sheepishly.

"Way to go, big shot!" Pinkie yells back, then proceeds with the letter. "If you happen to be the pony who asked this question, please let the big goofy goofball know so that he can credit you for it. Anyway, the question is what are our favorite snacks. Oh boy, I have lots of those! I like cupcakes and wedding cakes and pound cakes! There's frosting and gelatin and ewwie goowie taffy! Oh, and I love pies! Pies are delicious! So are doughnuts and sugar coated-"

"Pinkie." Dusk grumbles.

"Yes Dusk?" Pinkie looks over at the stallion.

"Shouldn't you give somepony else a turn?" He asks.

"Oh, you're right. I just got so excited, I got carried away! Who wants to go next?"

"Me!" Rainbow Dash interjects, then rubs her hoof against her chin. "My favorite snack? Hmm… I do like snacks, but my favorite has to be those Skittle candies you shared with me that one time, Pinkie."

"I remember that! From that 'Dash Eats Some Skittles' story! It was fun watching you!" Pinkie giggles.

"Well if you ask me, the best treats are not only delicious, but elegant as well." Rarity coos, lowering her eyelids seductively. "I've always fancied those Canterlot Chocolate Company truffles, like the ones that were served at the wedding. Such finery is almost too much, but they are just so good."

"Mmmm! Sounds tasty, Rarity!" Pinkie grins. "How about you, Applejack?"

"Ah prefer good ol' crackerjacks with apple slices." Applejack answers cheerfully. "It's jus' a little down home goodness with popcorn an' caramel ta add just the right touch. Ah could eat that stuff all day."

"Yeah, that's one of my favorites too! Oh, Fluttershy, what's your favorite tasty treat?" Pinkie turns, looking up at the tree still waiting to be turned back into a pony.

"Um… well, I do like some kinds of desserts, but my favorite is… um… well it's a little strange…" The tree answers softly.

"Go on, sugarcube. We ain't judgin' ya or nothin'." Applejack reassures the arboreal pony.

"Well, um… you see… I like… raw onions." The tree mumbles, embarrassed by her choice in snacks. For a moment, the girls stand there, looking up at their friend's leafy boughs in confusion.

"Don't worry about it, Fluttershy. Everypony has something interesting they like!" Dusk explains with a smile.

"Um… okay." The tree answers.

"Despite somepony deciding to share my life's story, they clearly didn't know what my favorite treat was." Dusk smiles proudly. "A long time ago, Princess Celestia was having some guests from a distant land over, and she invited me to sit with them while they talked. That day, I got to try my favorite snack ever! They were strawberries dipped in cream, then coated in a hard chocolate shell made from an exotic kind of cocoa bean. It was so delicious, I had to push the bowl away to keep from eating them all."

"Mmmmm!" The others chorus at the mention of the delicious sounding treat.

"I hope that answers your question, mister person who asked it!" Pinkie smiles, then goes into the closing words. "We here at the Pony Variety Show! would like to thank all of our wonderful cast members, Lani, the Writer's fiancée for keeping him sane! Zannpony from deviantArt for her support and constant suggestions. Captain Literal of fimfiction, who is always there and gives 110% to every episode. KartalTheWriter of fimfiction, who shared Caramel and Wind Whistler, as well as contributed to the show. Tacotel of fimfiction, another contributor who has helped us out, and TheAssumingMage of fimfiction, for working on improving The List."

"We would also like to thank Fleetwood Eldorado Brougham from the story 'Last Ditch' on fimfiction for that hilarious commercial, Trials of fimfiction for making the author laugh at the Skittles story, and George Takei for coming by and having a laugh with us! Lastly, but certainly not worstly, we want to thank all of you for being our fans, and coming by to see us! We'll see you next time on the Pony Variety Show!"

Pinkie starts waving at you all. "Be sure to leave us a comment about what you want us to do next time, send some more fan mail, commercials for advertisements, and other fun stuff! We'd love to hear from you!"

* * *

Everypony makes their way slowly out of the theatre, packing back into the lobby. Somehow, Pinkie Pie has already beaten you here, and is dishing out snacks and desserts to hungry customers. The Cutie Mark Crusaders are sitting at their own booth, waiting eagerly for you all to come share your comments, let them know what new stuff you'd like to see on the PVS!, share some fan mail, or even make a commercial offer!

After giving your remarks to the CMC, chatting it up with your friends, and possibly getting one of Pinkie Pie's famous chimicherrychangas, you make your way from the theatre, back to normal life.

Episode 7

The Pony Variety Show!

The theatre is bustling once again, but something seems different about it today. As you pass into the foyer you see the gleam of new panelling, smooth, dull silver, like the entire theatre has had a makeover. Gone are the old fashioned wooden moldings, replaced by sleek, futuristic metals, while soft, cream colored carpets now cover the floor where ratty old red ones used to be.

Pinkie Pie and Applejack sit at the concession stand, eagerly grinning at the sight of all of you, immediately springing into action as hungry ponies and bronies rush up to place orders.

"Two chimicherrychangas please!"

"I want an apple pie!"

"Ooh, can I have a Lyracicle!?"

"Give me one of everything!"

"Now hold yer horses, y'all!" Applejack hollers, trying to get the mob under control. "We'll fill yer orders, quick as we can. Jus' get lined up proper, an' we'll get to ya as quick as a whip!"

"Who had the two chimmycherrychangas!?" Pinkie yells, immediately sending the crowd plunging back up to the stand, all fighting to be the first to get one of the delicious treats.

You finally make your way out of the busy foyer, and into the main theatre. Much like the front room, the main hall has been entirely redone. The walls are now freshly coated in burgundies. New, bigger seats replace the old, padded bucket chairs, and the carpeting is more like the new flooring you've already seen. What is most impressive, however, is the stage.

Gone are the cheap wood and floor lights, replaced with fine hardwood planks and smooth, metallic light frames. The ragged, battered old curtains have been removed as well, swapped with new, elegant ones that catch the light of the spotlights clearly and cleanly. There is some kind of new framework over the edges of the stage, which seem to be glittering with the flow of an electric blue light.

You get yourself situated, along with the whispering crowds, who's eyes are glancing about eagerly at all of the new scenery. The faint whispering going on all about you sends chills of excitement down your back as the spots come up, focusing upon the stage.

Spike emerges from behind the curtains, no longer holding a mic, but wearing some kind of funny looking earpiece that doesn't quite fit onto his scales. He tweaks at the device irritably, then turns his attention back to all of you.

"Fillies and gentlecolts, bronies of all ages! It's great to be back, and we're glad to have you all back too!" Spike gestures around the stage at all of the new renovations. "As you can see, we here at the Pony Variety Show! have been hard at work bringing up the standards for both the theatre, and the quality of production! It's been a long process, especially getting the new holoprojectors installed, but we did it, and all for you, our audience."

"And now, without further ado, I give you the best in the biz, the girls with the hooves, it's your little ponies in the Pony Variety Show!'" Spike steps aside, holding out his claw to present the singers as the curtain sweeps back, revealing an empty starscape beyond. A brilliant flash suddenly fills the stage, and the words 'My Little Pony, The Pony Variety Show!' are suddenly hanging in the air amidst the shimmering points of light. Dozens of ponies are hanging off of the letters, singing with big smiles on their faces.

"It's time for the show-show-show!

Let's get up and go-go-go!

You bronies prepare-pare-pare,

It's our time to share-share-share!

Is there a show like this anywhere?"

"Nope." Mr. Waddle answers as if on cue. "If there were another show like this, we'd be out of a job."

"Dohohohohoho!" The two old ponies laugh.

"There's no show like this anywhere-where where!

It's our time to share-share-share!

In the sky so bright, singing to the earth below,

It's the Pooonyyy Variiietyyy Shooooow!"

The applause is suddenly cut off as a loud grinding sound, followed by a resounding stellar echo fills the theatre, and the Tardis appears between the audience. Dr. Whooves jumps out of the craft, waving his forehooves frantically. "No, you must stop the show quickly! If you don't, the consequences could be disastrous! You must hurry!"

The sound begins again, and a second Tardis emerges. This time, both Dr. Whooves and Derpy emerge, both of them jumping atop the first Whooves. "What do you think you are doing!?" The second Doctor demands, pressing the first one's face to the ground.

"You don't understand… wait, you're me! Oh this is quite interesting. Why am I trying to stop myself from stopping the episode?"

"Because stopping it will only make things worse. You mustn't tamper with today's episode, or the consequences could be even more disastrous." The second Doctor explains.

"Yay, doggy pile!" Derpy cries gleefully, then jumps atop the other two.

"Oof!"

"Ouch."

"Derpy dear, could you kindly remove yourself from our collective backs before you break them?" The second Doctor asks.

"Oh, okay." She hops off, grinning.

"That's better, now I'll explain where all of these homo sapiens can't hear. Please come with me." With that' the two Doctors depart, taking their Tardis' with them.

"Are the supposed to interfere with themselves?" Spike asks, scratching his head, then he returns his attention to you. "Anyway, we've got a great show for you today, along with some fun announcements of upcoming events."

"First, the cast and crew of the Pony Variety Show! is proud to announce the first ever PVS! Singoff competition! Starting today, we'll be accepting your submissions at http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/47169 for entry into this singing of the OCs, which will run until July 18, 2012. One week after that, the episode will air for everypony to vote on their favorite OC, favorite song performed, and winner of the competition, chosen by you, the fans!"

"Second, we're about to enter open election season, with the last candidate's entry coming in on today's episode. We need you to ask the questions that will be submitted to the candidates when they discuss the issues that matter to you, our viewers! Next week's PVS! will have the official political debate amongst the runners, and we want to have a lot to ask them!"

Spike holds his arm out to the curtain as a newcomer emerges onto the stage. "Third, we would like to introduce our special guest, Donkey from Shrek!"

"Hey y'all! How's everybody doin' out there!?" The garrulous Donkey asks, showing his big, pearly white teeth. Eyeing all of the mares in the audience, his grin widens. "Now that's what I call a target rich environment, if ya get my drift! Anyway, I'll be hangin' around up in the VIP box with those crazy old guys, just in case some of you fillies wanna' come meet a real movie star." He raises his eyebrows suggestively, only to yelp in surprise as he is surrounded by a magic glow which drags him off the stage.

"Hey wait! I haven't even gotten any numbers yet!" Donkey objects from behind the curtains.

"Of course, no show is complete without us letting you know what's coming up today, so here it goes! We've got a long requested Star Trek parody coming up for act one, followed by a Lord of the Rings parody in act two, and a Terminator parody for act three! Behind the scenes today, we'll get a look into the private lives of the princesses and other ancient creatures from our world. Of course, knowing Bluenose and Yellowbelly, something embarrassing will come out of the woodwork, if you know what I mean." Spike fakes an elbow at you with a smirk.

"Well, that's it for announcements, so let's get the show started!" As the little dragon departs from the stage.

* * *

The curtains slide back as the holoprojectors hum to life, creating the elegant curves of a Galaxy-class starship's bridge upon the stage, overlaying otherwise ordinary looking props with the illusion of sophisticated technology. Sitting all about the scene are Twilight, Spike (who somehow managed to don a costume and get onto the set in the time the curtains were moving), Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie.

Twilight is clearly in command, wearing a red uniform and sitting in the captain's chair. Next to her in the first officer's seat, Spike is wearing a similarly colored outfit, doing his best to look focused. Rarity sits on Twilight's left, her uniform a deep blue. She smiles confidently, waiting for the beginning of the scene.

Rainbow Dash is standing behind the tactical console, wearing a yellow-tan uniform, has her hair tied back in a ponytail, and is wearing a silver bandolier across her body. She seems to be irritated, as she grits her teeth together impatiently. Sitting on the far side of the room, Applejack is wearing a similar uniform to Rainbow Dash, her own face adorned with some kind of freaky looking glasses.

Sitting at the helm, Pinkie Pie's outfit matches Rainbow Dash and Applejack's, but she seems to be covered in flour, and is doing her best not to smile, which is giving her eye a nervous tick. She looks like she's going to start laughing hysterically, right before she sneezes, sending white powder flying into your faces!

Twilight glances in her direction, shakes her head slightly, then begins reciting the opening lines. "Captain's log: Stardate 44535.4, the Canterprise has entered the Carebeari system on a mission of peace and friendship. Recently the Care Bears have requested our assistance in dealing with some kind of strange phenomenon that has stricken their world. It is my hope that we can end this threat quickly, but until we arrive, we won't know what we're dealing with."

"Captain, we are arriving at the Carebeari system." Pinkie announces, still trying to keep from sneezing.

"Very well, Mr. Datapie, bring us out of warp." Twilight responds. "Mr. Rorf, begin scanning the system for any signs of trouble."

"Aye, sir." Rainbow Dash answers, looking over her instruments intently.

Spike leans over to Twilight, retaining the stern look on his face. "I don't like it, Captain. Something seems very off here."

"I agree, Mr. Spiker, but we don't have anything to go on yet, so let's just wait and see what happens." Twilight responds, still staring out at all of you intently.

"We're not picking up anything, sir." Rainbow Dash announces, looking quite surprised.

"Well that's good, maybe there's nothing wrong after all." Twilight seems to relax a bit, only to tense up at Rainbow's next statement.

"No, that's not what I mean. There's nothing. The Carebeari system is completely empty. There isn't even a star." Rainbow explains, meeting the rest of the crew's surprised stares.

"That ain't possible," Applejack interjects. "There's gotta be somethin' out there."

"Our position is confirmed, Captain. We are exactly where we are supposed to be." Pinkie announces, struggling to keep from contracting her words as she delivers the lines. Her eye begins twitching even more violently.

"Impossible or not, Mr. LaJack, we don't have an explanation as to what is really going on here." Twilight breathes a heavy sigh, looking back at the flustered engineer pony.

"Wait, I sense something." Rarity speaks up, her horn glowing. "Some kind of presence, probing us. It is… laughing, capricious, but very different. It doesn't think like us, a creature with far more power than we understand."

"Muahahahahaha." An eerie laugh resounds around the crew of the Canterprise as a flash of blinding light appears off past Rarity's chair.

Twilight stands dramatically, her eyes fixing on Discord as he forms. "Q! I should have known your meddling when I seen it."

"Twi Light Sparkard, how wonderful to see you again. I believe our last encounter was when I played Qpid! That visit to Sherwood forest was quite a laugh, wasn't it! Hehehehe."

"What have you done with the Carebeari system!?" Twilight demands, glaring at the jokester.

"Oh nothing, save for condensing it into this marble." Discord answers, producing a tiny glass ball containing a fully functioning system within it.

"Put it back, Q!" Twilight demands.

"Ah ah ah! Didn't your mother ever teach you to ask nicely?" Discord teases, wagging a finger at the demanding unicorn. "Besides, what fun would it be if I just fixed it for you? If you really want the system back, you're going to have to play my game."

"We don't have time for your games, Q! Put the system back, right now!" Rainbow Dash yells, looking ready to leap over at the draconequus.

"You better make time, then. If this marble breaks, the entire system will be destroyed, along with everyone in it." Discord replies irritably as he holds up the marble. Suddenly it slips, only for him to catch it again. "Oops, I nearly dropped it."

Twilight almost jumps out to catch the precious marble, only stopping when she sees that he hasn't let it go yet. "Q please, don't hurt them. We'll make time, we'll play your game. Just don't do that."

"Mahahahaha! Morality, I love it!" Discord laughs, resting a clawed hand on his head. "Alright, I tell you what. Let's get the ball rolling. The rules of the game are simple, you just give up one of your crew to be put in the marble, and I'll set the Carebeari system free. Otherwise, I guess I'll just keep it on my mantle. I don't even know why you'd want to rescue them though. After all, they're even more annoyingly friendly than you are."

Twilight chokes up at the condition, looking about at her friends. She is about to speak when Spike voices his opinion. "I'll go."

"Mr. Spiker, I can't let you. It would be irresponsible of me to-" Twilight is cut off by Spike, who speaks up over her.

"Captain, I need to go. It would be more irresponsible to let that entire system suffer just for one individual. I know the consequences, and am willing to accept them." He looks at Discord. "Take me."

"No, it should be me." Rainbow Dash exclaims, stepping up. "Spiker's right, but not about who. Starfleet needs him, the Canterprise needs him, but it doesn't need me. It is the honorable thing to do, so I should go."

"Actually, if we are talking about giving a life, it should be mine." Pinkie stands up, still twitching nervously. "After all, you all are organic beings with a limited time of existence, while I am merely a construct designed to mimic pony behavior. If I go, it will mean nothing, a mere creation of ponies. You all have a life to live, I am not truly alive."

"Cap'n Sparkard, ah think ah speak fer every one of us when ah say we'd all rather be the one ta go in exchange fer an entire civilization. We can't leave 'em ta that fate, even if'n we wanted to. Let us do the right thing."

"Thank you, all of you, but I can't. I am not going to give any of you to this monster. Even if it means that I have to give myself up in exchange. Q, you have your answer, take me instead." Twilight stares up at the draconequus, glaring up at his frowning expression.

"Ugh, I think I've changed my mind." Discord groans. "All of this sweetness is giving me a cavity. Here, you can have your system back. I don't want it anymore."

Discord snaps, sending the marble back into space, where it apparently reforms into the Carebeari system once again. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a visit to pay on planet Vulcan. I really want to see if I can get a laugh out of those tightwads!"

With a flash, he disappears, leaving the crew of the USS Canterprise behind. The ponies all turn and bow as the curtain sweeps shut.

* * *

"Well, that story had a great moral." Geri Fore says with a grin.

"Oh, and what was that?" Donkey asks, looking over at the oldsters.

The two ponies look at each other for a moment, then face him again. This time Mr. Waddle speaks up. "We don't know, we're just sure it was pretty great!"

"Dohohohoho!"

"Man, you guys are weird." Donkey makes a face at them.

Down on the stage, Spike steps out from the right side curtain, still wearing his starfleet uniform. "Well, that one was a real thinker. Waddaya say folks, should we be doing more serious parodies, or should we stick to the comedy?" He holds out a mic, drawing several shouts from the crowd.

Looking down at the microphone, he stops. "Uh, maybe you should just leave your answer down in the comments box. We'll have to figure that one out later. For now, our first commercial is coming up!"

Spike quickly retreats from the stage again as the curtains rise.

* * *

You are greeted by a series of blinding lights and gouts of fire from flamethrowers set up on the stage as a huge metal sign with 'Iron Will 2012' riveted onto it folds down from the ceiling. A thrumming beat starts playing in the background as fog boils over the stage, through which the burly minotaur emerges, doing a series of his signature moves as he comes.

"Hello everypony, are you ready for the first, and only real candidate to set hoof on this stage!? Are you tired of pathetic runners making their promises about what they're gonna do for you!? Are you ready to take life by the horns, and hammer toss it into submission!? Then Iron Will is the candidate for you!"

He leaps down from the stage, striding right up to the seats, and grabs some hapless pony from the audience. "Iron Will is so confident that he will win this election, he will win it with the assistance of this wimpy little pony!" He holds the startled looking Bon Bon over his head as she frantically kicks, trying to release herself from his grip.

"Somepony, help!" Bon Bon stammers.

"Just look at this little pony! She's so under-confident in her abilities, she's already practically given up the race!" Iron Will yells into his mic as he strides circles around the quivering Bon Bon, who is shaking so hard that her knees are knocking together. "But Iron Will is so confident that he can transform her, he'll make her into a lean, mean, election race winning machine!"

"Uhh… Lyra… please!" Bon Bon is starting to tear up.

Iron Will grabs hold of the pony, hefting her up under his left arm as he extends his right arm dramatically towards the spotlights. "With my running companion… uh… what's your name again?" Iron Will asks the trembling pony.

"Bo-Bon Bon." She replies.

"With my running companion Bon Bon, we shall be an unstoppable team! Look out, Ponyville! Iron Will and Bon Bon are coming to town!" With that, the boastful minotaur disappears behind the curtains, still carrying the crying Bon Bon under his arm.

Lyra springs from her seat, snorting as she chases the kidnapper! "Get back here, ya big bull, er bully! Gimmie back my best friend!" She darts behind the stage, disappearing after the retreating candidate.

* * *

The curtains raise again, this time to a very different scene. A large, round bowl shaped room sits roofless before you, the leafy boughs of trees hanging overhead as sunlight fills the little area. In the very center, there sits a stone pedestal, surrounded by cushions.

All about sit a council, each watching each other silently. Sitting at the head of the council, Princess Celestia sits at the head of the group, resplendent in long, burgandy colored robes and a golden circlet.

To her left sits, Apple Bloom, who is unadorned. After her is Twilight, fully dressed in her Starswirl the Bearded costume, and leaning on a gnarled staff. Rainbow Dash is next, a gray garment clothing her. Pinkie Pie sits another seat over, unadorned save for a thick, fluffy brown beard, her body now twitching uncontrollably in her seat. Applejack is next, her own black vest adorned with silver studs. Shining Armor is to her left, and on the right of Celestia, doing his best to look downcast. Overhead, an orchestral music starts playing a low, almost mournful tune.

As the scene begins, Celestia begins intoning her lines solemnly. "Strangers from distant lands, friends of old. You have been summoned here to answer the threat of the Dragon Mountains. Equestria stands upon the brink of destruction, none can escape it. You will be friends, or you will fall. Each friend is bound to this fate, this one doom."

"Bring forth the muffin, Frodobloom." Celestia stands slowly, gesturing to the podium with one regal hoof.

At Celestia's beckon, Apple Bloom rises from her seat, walking slowly over to the podium. She sets down a golden muffin, the sight of which makes Pinkie Pie start squirming furiously in her seat. As Apple Bloom lets it rest, there is a very audible thump, like the muffin weighs a great deal.

"So it's true." Applejack whispers, covering her mouth with one hoof.

Apple Bloom returns to her seat with a sigh, staring at the floor. She doesn't see everypony eyeing the muffin intently. Pinkie Pie is barely containing herself, while Applejack starts rising slowly from her seat. An eerie whisper seems to be echoing in your ear as if the muffin is calling out to you too.

"In a dream, ah saw that eastern sky get dark." Applejack says, walking closer to the muffin. "But in the west a li'l light was shinin'. There was voices cryin' 'bout doom bein' near. Prancildur's Bane had been found. Prancildur's Bane…"

She is about to touch the muffin when Celestia roses from her seat, calling out. "Applemir-"

Celestia too is cut off by an even louder voice, booming and resounding as Twilight stands up, the whole stage dropping into a strange, unearthly darkness. "Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul. Ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul."

Applejack retreats back to her seat, unable to face the sound. Pinkie Pie almost goes wild. Only by clutching her cushion under her is she able to keep from bounding away from where she squirms.

"Never before has anyone uttered that tongue here, in Imladris." Celestia says, staring over at Twilight.

"I do not ask your pardon, Princess Elrondia, for the black speech of the Dragon Mountains may yet be heard in every corner of the west." Twilight replies as she paces about, fixing her eyes on each pony. "The rin-muffin is altogether evil." Twilight turns to resume her seat, choking a bit on the gritty voice she had been imitating.

"It's a gift…" Applejack whispers but is surprised when Pinkie Pie pipes up.

"A gift, but it's not even wrapped!" The pink pony objects, still twitching maniacally.

Applejack glares over at Pinkie. "Do ya mind? Ah'm tryin' ta deliver a line."

"But I'm so hungry, and I think whatever that stuff I drank was is making me bouncy…" Pinkie gasps, her energetic thrashing nearly toppling her over.

"As ah was sayin'…" Applejack clears her throat again, then begins to speak. "Long has mah brother, Big Macintosh, kept th' dragons at bay, by the sweat of our brows are your stomaches filled! Give Sweet Apple Acres the muffin of the enemy, let us eat it afore him!"

"You cannot eat it. None of us can." Shining Armor replies, looking over at Applejack. "The One Muffin is edible by the dragons alone. It has no other consumer."

"An' what woulda fighter know of this here matter?" Applejack counters.

"This is no mere fighter!" Rainbow Dash jumps from her seat, meeting Applejack's eyes. "He's Armorgorn, son of Armorthorn. Captain of the Royal Guard. You owe him your loyalty."

"Armorgorn…" Applejack says in surprise, looking back at him. "This is Prancildur's heir?"

"And heir to the Royal Guard!" Rainbow Dash exclaims. "I mean, do you understand!? He's the Wonderbolts' boss! You can't just-"

"Please, sit down, Rainbow Dash." Shining Armor asks of her, waving her down with one hoof.

"The muffin must be destroyed." Celestia says, trying to break up the fighting.

"Finally!" Pinkie Pie leaps at the muffin before anypony can stop her, trying to sink her teeth into the seemingly tasty morsel. Instead of being devoured, however, the pink pony's tooth chips against the muffin, throwing her back from it! For an instant, Chrysalis' eye flashes before all of you as if it were in your mind as well. Apple Bloom doubles over, gasping in surprise.

"You cannot eat it, Pinkamina Diane Pie. No oven, nor fire can bake this muffin enough for us to consume." Princess Celestia explains to the fallen earth pony. "It must be taken back to Sugarcube Corner, and baked in the fire from whence it came. One of you must do this."

"Muffin!" A wild scream comes from above as Derpy Whooves comes plunging onto the stage, trying to snatch the muffin.

"No Derpy! That's for the show!" Twilight objects, trying to keep the muffin away from the hungry pony. Pinkie Pie, excited by the sudden surprise, starts ricocheting off of everything like an out of control bullet. Ponies begin scrambling from their seats, each trying to stop the crazed ponies, not seeing Princess Celestia tiphoof over and start trying to munch on the muffin.

She is caught by surprise when Luna steps up to confront her. "THE MUFFIN IS MINE!" She demands in her loudest Royal Canterlot Voice.

Suddenly the entire theatre starts to fall into chaos as the audience rushes the stage, each trying to grab the muffin for themselves. Even you feel the compulsion, racing from your seat to grab hold of the treat for yourself.

Off to one side, Trixie grins, her horn losing it's glow. "The Want It, Need It spell. Works every time!"

"Leggo of me! I gotta get that muffin!" Donkey yells over the fray as he jumps from the box, heedless of the sudden drop below!

* * *

The chaos caused by Trixie's spell takes nearly an hour to sort out, but once the muffin is devoured despite tasting like a mouthful of rocks, you are freed from the magic influence. You find yourself in a most uncomfortable spot, namely with somepony's plot squishing your head.

Soon everypony manages to sort themselves out, returning to their seats in awkward silence as the cast and crew go about cleaning up the mess made by the random muffin attack. Just as you settle back in, still feeling a bit silly over the incident, music begins to play as the curtains slide back, revealing a bearded man who smiles at you almost as if his eyes were fixed squarely upon your face.

"Hi, Billy Mays here, back from the dead to bring you an amazing product! Ponies!" He holds up Lyra, who has a ribbon tied about her waist. She waves cheerfully down at the still traumatized Bon Bon. "Yes, that's right, ponies! They can do anything, and I mean anything!"

"Need cooking done!? Use the pony!" Billy Mays exclaims, still grinning. Lyra dashes over to the kitchen setup in the background and starts chopping up carrots.

"Need your floors cleaned!? Use the pony!" The energetic salesman continues as Lyra hurries up to a vacuum, flipping it on, and getting dragged about the room by the crazed machine.

"Wait, there's more! Order your pony right now, and I'll throw in a second pony, for free!" Billy Mays reaches behind the stage, pulling out Fluttershy, who doesn't seem as interested in being sold as he is in selling her. "That's right, buy one pony, get a second for free! Order now!" He gives you all a thumbs up as the commercial ends and the curtains fall.

* * *

The lights fade as the curtains open again, this time to a much more bizarre scene! It is clearly night, which make the muzzle flashes of Twilight Sparkle's submachine gun flash all the brighter. She is wearing a ragged, hole filled black jumpsuit, her manecut making her look like a bad 1980's action hero. There seem to be bits of her flesh missing, underneath which lies some kind of silver metal.

She is standing on the back of an old pickup, firing the weapon at a semi-truck pulling a trailer of liquid clouds. Inside said truck, Snowflake, the massively ripped white pegasus is riddled with bullet holes, leaving strange silver indentions in his skin.

In the cab of the pickup, Applejack is advising an excited looking Applebloom, who is driving the nearly out-of-control vehicle. The elder Apple looks back watching as Twilight jumps from the pickup to the front of the massive white truck.

"Ah knew we shoulda never trusted that darn newfangled technology! All it ever tries ta do is kill us!" Applejack exclaims, holding her hat down.

Behind them, Twilight shoves her forehoof into the cab, grabs hold of the wheel, and pulls hard. The truck swerves sharply, sending it skidding to a stop with a crash. The battered unicorn is thrown clear as the truck starts billowing clouds from it's now breached frame.

"YEEEEEAAAAAH!" Snowflake yells from the cab, the silvery looking wounds twisting and closing as if he were made of liquid metal.

"Uh, sis, whaddo ah do if there's a wall in front of me?" Applebloom asks as the truck speeds into a rainbow refinery.

"Say what now?" Applejack looks back just in time for the truck to crash into a wall. "Oof! Uh… oh mah, you okay Apple Bloom?

"Ah think so." Apple Bloom coughs out in reply.

Twilight pulls herself from the ground, moving to prevent the burly white pegasus from passing. He continues to advance, stepping into the steady stream of clouds, which start to sheen over his body with ice. Ignoring the cold, Slowflake treads forward as starts to slow. Suddenly, his hoof breaks clean off, making him stumble! He takes another step, but only manages to snap off his other hoof.

Striding closer, Twilight pulls a pistol out as she watches Snowflake go rigid under the effects of the liquid cloud. "Hasta la vista, baby." She says, firing a single shot.

The form of Snowflake shatters like glass under the bullet, leaving bits of frozen pony scattered across the ground. Apple Bloom makes her way slowly out of the truck, walking over towards Twilight. The unicorn is staring at a leak of liquid rainbow that is seeping down towards the crash, it's magical light causing the icy bits of pegasus to melt.

"We don't have much time." Twilight says, then turns back to Apple Bloom, escorting her back to the truck.

The tiny blobs start moving closer and closer together, drawing themselves back into a single silver puddle which begins to take pony shape once again.

Before the scene can go any further, the curtains sweep down, cutting you off from the dramatic ending.

* * *

Spike races out to mollify the audience. "Sorry about that everypony, but we're having some technical difficulties with Snowflake."

"YEEEEEAAAaaaAAAaAaaAA! BOOM!" The voice echoes out of the back, followed by an explosion. Apparently the props aren't working right.

Spike flinches, then glances back at the fresh holes ripped into the curtains. "And we just got those replaced too. Oh well." He sighs, then turns his attention back to you. "We are running a bit long today, so how about we move to our final segment, behind the scenes!"

As the crowd scoots closer, Spike leans forward, whispering into the mic as he grins. "Those two troublemaking changelings have really done it this time! With the aid of our very own Dr. Whooves, they have traveled back in time to get you some exclusive footage of the princesses, Discord, and Chrysalis when they weren't quite so… regal. You're in for a treat today, as we take a step into the past with our friends Bluenose and Yellowbelly!"

The two changelings come parading out to the fanfare, waving hooves in the air and grinning cheekily as the screen folds down behind them. The lights dim as the stage clears, the big screen humming to life.

* * *

The screen wobbles as it peers into a hallway, where two fillies walk along. In front, Luna tries to walk straight, a blindfold wrapped over her eyes. She is being nudged along by her pink haired big sister, Celestia.

"Come on, let me see, Tia! I wanna know what the surprise is!"

"Don't worry, Luna." Celestia chuckles with a cheeky grin on her face. "We're almost there."

The mirthful form of tiny Discord sits wrapped around a ceiling lamp overhead, giving a thumbs up to Celestia. She returns his gesture with a wink, then trots around to a closed doorway.

"It's right in here, Luna. Just take three steps forward, then you can take off the blindfold for your surprise!" Celestia opens the door into a dark room. The camera pans around, peeking after the girls. Luna takes an apprehensive step forward, then a second, and finally a third.

"What is i-eeeeee!" Plop! Luna suddenly drops like a rock, followed by a splat as chocolate pudding splashes out of the doorway from below.

"Heeheeheehee!"

"Bwhahahahahaha!"

The alicorn and draconequus fall rolling over laughing as Luna's pudding coated head pops up from the drop. "Very funny," she mopes, making a sour face at Celestia.

The older alicorn extends a wingtip, takes a dab of pudding on it, then licks it daintily off. She doesn't notice that Discord, apparently not happy enough with the game, creeping up behind her. Luna almost opens her mouth, then closes it with a smile. Celestia glances at her in surprise, but it's too late. With a hearty shove, the draconequus pushes the second filly off the edge and into the pudding room with a squeal of delight.

"Wha-aaaah!" Splat! The princess hits the pudding, throwing a fresh wave of it over Luna.

More laughing follows as the three youths start grabbing hooffulls of pudding and hurling them at each other. The merriment continues until a loudly clearing of somepony's throat is heard. The camera turns slowly over, focusing in on a tall, regal, white alicorn mare with a red mane. She does not look happy.

"What have you three been up to?" She demands, squinting at the delinquent children. She peers into the darkened room, gasps in shock then glares back at them. "What did you do to my work office!?"

Celestia thrusts a hoof at Discord. "He did it!"

"You three are in a lot of trouble! You're going to clean this mess up, without magic!" Lauren snaps, her horn glowing. A small cap appears over the fillies' horns, and a set of latex gloves over Discord's claws. The three children look despondently up at the mare.

"Aww… mom!" They all moan.

"Nope, you three want to make messes, so you three get to clean them up." She says, then looks straight at the camera. "And you two! Get out of my house!"

The camera jerks sharply as the screen goes fuzzy, then dark.

* * *

The screen lights up again, revealing a sunny, cheerful day at a little park. There's a picnic table with a colorful tablecloth over it, covered in cake and presents. Balloons hang about everywhere in dozens of cheerful colors. Happy fillies and colts dash around, laughing and playing in the warm sunlight.

Sitting at the center of attention, a tiny Chrysalis smiles cheerfully, a big blue party hat atop her head. A slightly older Princess Luna is sitting nearby, hiding beneath her own yellow and green striped hat, eyeing a colt intently. Discord can be seen zipping between balloons, imprinting his chuckling face upon them. Beneath the picnic table, a cutie marked Celestia covers her mouth with one hoof to stifle a giggle as she waits.

The regal form of Lauren Faust strides forward, a big, lovely white birthday cake floating magically next to her. She sets the delectable dessert before the changeling filly, who squeaks out the most adorable laugh of joy.

The colt Luna was eyeing starts walking over to her with a smile that makes the filly blush, and Discord drifts down from his games to share in the cake. Just as the dish is set down, a magical glow surrounds it. It begins to expand like a balloon, much to everypony's surprise. Lauren's horn glows to prevent the disaster, but it's too late. The cake bursts outward, covering the table's occupants in cake and frosting.

Little Chrysalis stares dumbfounded at the destruction of her cake, tears welling up in her eyes. Discord begins laughing uproariously, falling to the tabletop where he laughs uncontrollably, his tail thrashing about.

Luna had just been building up the nerve to speak to the colt, her mouth opening, when the wave of sugary goodness splatters across her back. The colt clenches his teeth, then bursts out laughing as well, sending the humiliated Luna running away in tears.

Beneath the table, Celestia is having her own giggle. She tries to stifle her cheer, only to have it sucked away as Lauren's face peers down at her, covered in frosting.

Peeking below the table as well, Chrysalis' eyes narrow as she whispers to herself. "I'mma get you back for this, Tia… Jus' you wait, I'mma get you back."

* * *

The lights come up as the screen darkens, retracting back up into it's home. Spike and the girls step back out onto the stage.

"Boy, I had no idea things would get that crazy! I guess we were all little like that once, huh!" Spike chuckles, looking up at Twilight.

"Yeah, even the most mature of us were kids once." Twilight replies, then smiles as she gazes towards the audience. "So how about some fanmail everypony?"

"Yeah! Alright! Woohoo! Shake that tail thang!" Donkey starts hollering from the box, whistling and howling at the ponies onstage. "Finally, some girls I can appreciate for their looks! Just don't tell the wife I said that. She can be a bit of a drag-on. Get it? Drag-on!? Hahahaha! I kill me!"

"Anyway," Rarity interrupts, squinting up at the noisy Donkey, "we received this letter from UnweptPegasus from FimFiction, who asks us what we would do if we had a million bits. Personally I can think of quite a bit to do with all of that money. Can you imagine a proper Canterlot boutique, where I would design dresses and outfits for the rich and famous!? It would be a businessmare's dream to own such a fine establishment, and to make a name for herself. That's what I would do with it."

She passes the mic over to Rainbow Dash, who snatches it up eagerly. "What would I do with a million bits!? I'd follow the Wonderbolts on tour around Equestria, getting backstage tickets to every one of their shows, maybe even get a flying session in with them! That would be so awesome!"

"Ooh, ooh! My turn! My turn!" Pinkie Pie cries delightedly, bouncing up and down energetically, apparently still under the influence of whatever she drank. She grabs the microphone, then dashes up to the front of the stage. "Okay everypony, I want you to imagine the biggest most superfantabulous party that has ever happened! If I had a million bits, it would be the best party ever! There would be balloons, cake, ice cream, cupcakes, pound cakes, and Mr. Cake and Mrs. Cake! We'd have loads and loads of fun party games, like that Mario Party game, only real! You could run around the squares, play bumper cars or tennis! We could even hop over obstacles so that we wouldn't get our bum's burned! Doesn't that sound like fun!?"

Cheers and claps greet the pink party pony, who then turns the mic over to Fluttershy. The shy pegasus stares at it for a moment, then speaks softly into the receiver. "I'd really like to make that money to help care for all of the creatures that don't get enough help all around Equestria. It's sad whenever I don't have enough room, or an animal is too big for me to keep around for long treatment, so it would be nice to make somewhere for all animals to come to."

Fluttershy hands the microphone over to Applejack amidst more raucous yelling from the private box as Donkey continues hitting on the girls. "Hey, Flutterbabe! I'm wounded! I'm wounded real bad, won't you come up here and share some of that love with me!?"

"I'm sorry, but you should see a doctor if you're actually hurt." Fluttershy responds.

"Aw man! Jus' when I was sure I was gonna score somethin'!" Donkey moans.

"Well golly, that'd be quite a bit o' money. Ah'd probably use it ta fix up the farm, an' of course take care of mah dear ol' Granny Smith! She does still need that new hip." Applejack answers with a smile. "Ah can't think of nothin' better ta do with bits then ta share 'em with mah family."

"That's quite thoughtful of you, Applejack." Twilight says as she levitates the mic over to herself. "As for me, I'd doubt anypony would just give me a million bits, so I would take them and invest them in stocks and worthwhile investments. Then with the residual from those funds, I would expand the learning base in Equestria by setting up book clubs and swapmeets for ponies who want to share their knowledge and keep reading. That way, everypony wins!"

"It's always more fun when everypony can win!" Pinkie answers.

"Yes it is, Pinkie." Spike says as he takes the mic. "Sadly, we're out of time for today. Thanks to everypony for coming by and watching the show. The cast and crew of the Pony Variety Show! would like to extend our special thanks to those Contributors who work hard to bring you the show every week! To Porcumoose and Lillyfoot15 from deviantArt, and Captain Literal, tacotel, KartalTheWriter, and TheAssumingMage from FimFiction, we want to say thank you for all of your support, writing material, and hard work! Without you guys, this show would never be possible! Last but certainly not least is you, our fans! Without the many contributions and suggestions, we'd never be able to pull this zany mess off! So from all of us to all of you, thanks! See you all next time on the Pony Variety Show!"

* * *

As you exit the theatre amidst the bustling crowd, you see new booths set up alongside the usual one. The first is done up in patriotic colors, displaying an array of buttons for the 'Ruler of Everything' campaigners.

The first one is a golden button that proclaims, 'Princess Celestia, Leadership You Can Count On'.

The second is a strange, color changing button. 'Luna and Discord, 2012. Wouldn't life be a bit more fun with us?' is inscribed upon it.

The third button shows Chrysalis, her eyes gleaming malevolently out at you. Below the creepy image, the button states, 'I'm watching you, and I'll know who you vote for!'

The fourth button displays those two lovable Flim Flam Brothers, under which the slogan of, 'Innovation and Ingenuity for a Better Tomorrow!' under their smiling faces.

The fifth is blue with starbursts upon it, stating, 'Choose the Great and Powerful Trixie and that one Darkened pony for Ruler of Everything!'

The sixth displays Iron Will giving you a thumbs up, with 'Vote for the Best, Stomp out the Rest! Iron Will is for Awesome!' inscribed under it.

After all of this, there is an 'Ask the Candidates' sheet sitting upon the table, where you can put in your questions for next week's big election debate.

Past the busy election booth, there is the Pony Variety Show! Singoff competition table, where a busy Scootaloo is taking in entries.

"Be sure to fill out your entry sheets thoroughly!" She reminds you as she hands out the sheet. "OCs sign up here!"

http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/47169

* * *

After escaping the unruly array of ponies, you finally make it out to the parking lot where bronies and ponies alike chatter about their thoughts concerning the latest episode of the Pony Variety Show!

Episode 8

The Pony Variety Show!

The excitement of the fans is almost palpable as you wait in line to enter the theatre for the big show, the competition, and the election debate! The audience has swelled to the point that Royal Guards are forced to corral the unruly crowd in, keeping them from flooding into the streets or parking lot. Looking back, you can see ponies and bronies going all the way around the corner, disappearing off behind the side of the theatre.

The line moves so slowly you feel your sanity creeping out your ears. With each step, you're forced to endure comic book debates, celebrity gossip, everypony's favorite anime, and countless other inane topics that fill the air with a dull roar. Step by agonizing step, you approach the doors, filled with excited fans, the smell of Applejack and Pinkie Pie's signature treats, and the promise of the Pony Variety Show! Election Debate, the Singoff, and all the fun, wild antics that accompany the show!

Finally, after the eternity that was the last twenty minutes, you're able to get out of the sweltering heat of the sun, and into the relative cool of the theatre. The snack stand is currently a battleground, with several Applejack's relatives and the Cakes doing their best to keep the demands of the fans satisfied. By the time you fight your way through the crowd up to the counter, at least three fistfights have been abruptly halted by Royal Guards.

Grabbing your treats, you head through the wide doors into a vastly expanded theatre hall, which now features five decks of wrap-around balconies, countless new seats, and the entire theatre seems to have grown disproportionately to the exterior of the building. Scooting through the other pony and brony fans, you manage to squeeze into a seat that you were lucky enough to find closer to the front. Oddly enough, most of the others have avoided this particular spot, and the chair looks brand new. Sitting down, you suddenly feel an uncomfortable sensation, as if projectiles from the stage happen to be aimed at where you sit.

Upon the stage, you see Flim, Flam, and Dr. Whooves emerge, looking about at the vastly improved room.

"I must say, Doctor, that expansion technology really did work wonders with the amount of space we had in here before." Flim comments, gesturing at the enormous balconies.

"It really isn't anything difficult. The technology has been around for centuries actually, and it is quite a shame that more species don't unlock it's secrets." Dr. Whooves answers, smiling out at you all.

"Still, just imagine how many more fans we can fit due to your ingenuity." Flam remarks.

"Oh, you two are just a couple of flatterers. After all, it was your genius that allowed the construction of all that new seating, I only assisted with the available volume of the chamber." Dr. Whooves answers.

Suddenly you feel the need to glance uneasily up at the balconies, a faint creaking sound working it's way into your imagination as you see hundreds of fans all piling onto Flim and Flam's construction project. You really hope they got it right this time.

The three stallions depart from the stage as the lights begin to dim, with bright spots focusing in on the main curtain. Spike slips through them, microphone in claw. "Fillies and gentlecolts, bronies of all ages! Welcome to the big night! We've got elections, the big singoff, and of course, your little ponies! It's the Pony Variety Show!"

The entire stage erupts in showers of light and color as Rainbow Dash and the Wonderbolts go shooting overhead trailing brilliant rainbows, blazes of fire, and dancing arcs lightning. As the brilliant flashes across the stage dim, you see that the curtain has raised, and hundreds of ponies are now parading across it, all singing in concert with each other as smiles light their faces and costumes of every type flow along in a massive tide.

"It's time for the show-show-show!

Let's get up and go-go-go!

You bronies prepare-pare-pare,

It's our time to share-share-share!

Tonight's the night, everything is flashing bright,

We're up in our best, so come and be our guest!

Come along with our merry band,

As we parade across the land!

Every brony, pony, stallion, colt, filly, mare,

It's a party, a truly grand affair-fair-fair!"

As brilliant musical rhythms flood out from the full orchestra that has risen up behind the parading plethora of prancing ponies, you see the Wonderbolts fly in at each other, kicking off their hooves in midair. Flashes of firework lights burst from the well choreographed collisions, sending sparks raining down over the onlooking crowd.

Cheers and whoops of excitement flood through the audience, as the cheerful onlookers hop up to catch tiny magical sparks in their hands and hooves. Spitfire swoops in low, saluting you all with a wink as she races overhead, just out of the grasp of her nearly rabid fans.

"There's no show like this anywhere-where where!

It's our time to share-share-share!

Tonight's the night, everything is flashing bright,

We're up in our best, so come and be our guest!

In the sky so bright, singing to the earth below,

It's the Pooonyyy Variiietyyy Shooooow!"

Wild applause greets the vast group of performing ponies, who all take a long, deep bow as the curtains sweep closed, concealing them from the cheering audience. All across the room, excited hubbub breaks out as ponies and bronies whisper to each other. Spike emerges again, tapping the mic as he steps forward.

"Welcome back all you wonderful fans of ours! We're always glad to see you here! Today on the Pony Variety Show!, we've got a whole bunch of fun acts, the big election debate with questions from you, and the very first Pony Variety Show! Singoff!"

More applause follows, causing Spike to grin and close his eyes as he extends his claws out, inviting the attention in. "Thank you, thank you! You're a wonderful audience, but seriously, we want to thank each and every one of you for your contributions to the show. Without your support, none of this would be possible."

"Our first act will be a challenge of speed spanning the dimensions as some of the fastest racers from around the multiverse gather together for the ultimate race against our very own Rainbow Dash!" Spike holds out a claw as he leans forward, presenting the speedy pegasus as she dives in for a landing.

"Bring it on! I can't wait to test my speed against the very best! I hope they don't eat too much of my dust!" Rainbow Dash gloats as she rears up, showing off for a number of cameras.

"Haha, that's a big claim, especially against these super speedy characters and… whatever that thing is." Spike answers into the mic as the curtain sweeps aside to reveal the contenders for the first act.

* * *

"You're gonna have to do pretty good to keep up with me, pony." The round blue bipedal form of Sonic the Hedgehog announces as a spotlight illuminates him. He gives you a toothy smirk and a thumbs up. "After all, I am the fastest thing alive."

"Oh, we'll see about that!" Rainbow Dash flies up, squinting into his face.

"Hailing from the world of Mobius, Sonic the Hedgehog has been battling the evil Doctor Robotnik since 1991, when he first kicked the round genius' butt on the Sega Genesis. He has a listed top speed of 761 miles per hour unaided-" Spike announces, only to be cut off by Sonic.

"That's 761 listed miles per hour, kid! Those speedometers just can't keep up!" He waggles his finger in his trademark manner.

"Okay, 761 listed miles per hour unaided then." Spike grumbles, then turns to the second figure. "Our second challenger is known as the fastest mouse in all of Mexico! A true runner at heart, he can outwit cats, carry objects several times his weight, and speak in broken english! It's Speedy Gonzales!"

"Arriba, arriba! Andale, andale! Gracias senor Spike. I weel enjoy racing the gringos." The little brown mouse in a sombrero answers.

"Are you kidding me!? I have to race spikey boy and a mouse!? Give me a break!" Rainbow Dash complains, staring at her competition.

"Hahaha! That's not even the most interesting competitor!" Spike laughs, gesturing to the final contestant. "Hailing from across the internet, where it cruises the stars in an endless quest to… uh… go somewhere I guess, it has no known home, no known top speed, and it doesn't say all that much, even if it never stops talking, the Nyan Cat!"

"Nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan." The little grey cat bubbles to a catchy jingle, it's poptart body spewing a trail of rainbows behind it as it zips around the stage.

"Thank you, Nyan Cat." Spike says, then turns his finger next to his head and whistles.

"I theenk that gato is loco en la cabeza." Speedy comments.

"Bahahahahaha!" Rainbow Dash falls over laughing, pointing at the silly creature. "That is supposed to race me!? You gotta be joking!"

Sonic merely shakes his head, frowning at the bizarre creature.

"Well, if all is said and done, let's get this race started!" Spike yells as the holoprojectors activate.

Behind the contenders, a massive, rolling hill scape spreads off into the distance, followed by looming mountains. The course has a long, winding trail running through a forest, up into those high, forbidding peaks, and then back across a flatland to the finish line.

"Alright, we want a good, clean race!" Spike announces. "Running or flying, but airborne contestants must stay now higher than twenty feet off the ground. Shortcuts are not allowed. Now on your marks!"

The contestants quickly take their places at a red line at the beginning of the footpath, save for Nyan Cat, who is still flying aimlessly in circles.

"Get set!" Spike yells as contestants lower themselves in preparation for the first sprint.

"You're gonna eat my dust, pony." Sonic whispers.

"Hah! In your dreams!" Rainbow Dash shoots back with a smile.

"Nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan!" Nyan Cat interrupts.

"Go!" Spike fires a flare gun!

With that, Nyan Cat shoots off like a rocket, leaving the other contestants surprised and distracted by the odd creature's interruption.

"Arriba!" Speedy yells as he shoots off like a dart after the lead flyer.

"Oh, that was dirty!" Sonic complains as he races up to speed. "Good thing I'm the fastest thing alive!" He quickly overtakes Speedy, then Nyan Cat as his legs carry him faster and faster.

"Nice job, hog boy! Too bad you're not as fast… as me!" Rainbow Dash, unhindered by the hills, goes soaring over the ground, her own velocity carrying her ahead of the ground bound hedgehog. She looks back, sticking out her tongue at the runner.

"Wait!" Sonic calls, reaching out a hand as if to stop her.

"Yeah righ-" Rainbow Dash's headlong flight sends her crashing into a tree.

"Told ya!" Sonic laughs as he runs past the pegasus. "Now to win this!"

"Ahahahaha! Arriba! Goodbye Senor Hedgehog!" Speedy whoops gleefully as he passes the front runner, waving as he goes.

"Oh no, I'm not gonna get beaten by a mouse!" Sonic growls, speeding up as he races through the woods after the hispanic rodent. His legs start rotating so fast that they turn into a whirling blur, carrying him faster and faster through the trees.

"Nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan." The poptart shaped cat's voice echoes behind him as it closes with him, apparently completely unhindered by the trees.

"Looks like this race needs to be kicked into overdrive!" Sonic says, lowering his head and speeding up even more. He shoots past Speedy as he races up the slope of the mountains. "Haha! Nobody can catch me now!"

"Think again!" Rainbow Dash yells, her own velocity pressing the sound barrier as she shoots past him, zipping up the trails to the top of the mountain range.

"Oh no you don't!" Sonic calls after her, reaching into his pack. He pulls out a glowing golden ring. "Time to show this pony what speed really means!"

Rainbow Dash suddenly finds herself in a bind. The bend that she has to turn around is too sharp to remain at speed, forcing her to slow down. Just as she's making the turn, Sonic shoots past her like a bolt, racing back down the mountain in a blue blur.

"See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya!" He calls after her as he disappears in the distance.

"Darn it! I gotta catch him!" Rainbow Dash groans. "Only one chance!"

Now with a handy lead, Sonic grins as he looks out over the flatlands and the final stretch. "It's all home free from here! Too bad that pony was no match for me. Aw, who am I kidding? I knew I was the fastest the whole time!"

Suddenly his concentration breaks as a loud explosion erupts behind the confident hedgehog! A streak of rainbow trailing behind her, Rainbow Dash explodes past him at hypersonic speeds! Shooting out across the finish line, the pegasus laughs victoriously.

"No way!" Sonic gasps as he skids to a stop behind her, placing his hands on his knees as he fights for breath. "How did you do that!?"

"Oh, I'm just that awesome!" Rainbow Dash grins, her chest swelling with pride.

"Congratulations, senorita! You is muy rapido!" Speedy offers with a smile.

"Nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan." Nyan Cat announces, whizzing tirelessly by the competitors.

Spike is left standing there blinking. He looks down at his timer. "Woah, Rainbow Dash, that was awesome! You flew the course in ten seconds flat!"

"What'd I tell ya! I knew I was the fastest!" Rainbow Dash laughs.

"Uh… actually, you weren't." Spike breaks her illusion, causing the blue pegasus to snap her head around at him.

"What!? How can that be!? Who was ahead of me!? I didn't see anypony!"

"Yeah, how can you say that!? There wasn't anyone for miles ahead of us!?" Sonic joins in, looking utterly distraught that he could have been beaten by two competitors.

"The cameraman." Spike answers matter-of-factly, gesturing to a tall, long legged, long necked blue bird with a camera strapped onto it's head.

"Meep, meep!" The curious bird announces, sticking out it's tongue repeatedly, then dashing off in a cloud of smoke.

"You gotta be kidding me…" Rainbow Dash stares in bewilderment.

"You and me both, sister." Sonic answers.

The red curtains sweep shut, hiding the shocked contestants as the first act comes to a close.

* * *

A short intermission is called as stage-ponies race about, setting up a wide array of cameras and lighting equipment. Off behind the stage, you can hear even more activity going on as the crews rework the area for the election debates. Deciding to rise from your seat, you plunge back into the crowd, seeking snack food and other refreshments from the lobby, where the service ponies are working overtime to meet the orders.

After squeezing around one particularly big brony, you manage to snatch an order of something tasty, then press back through towards the theatre doors. Down in the hall, you hear some debating going on between the candidates, along with Twilight Sparkle, who is clearly trying to convince them that her organized plan needs to be followed.

It takes you a few minutes to wrestle your way through the crowd, back down to the seat that you so valiantly fought for. Crossing the dark rows, you manage to situate yourself once again in the plush chair. All around you, the milling crowd begins to settle once again as the stage lights up and the curtains draw back revealing a stunning array of banners declaring the election of the various candidates waiting behind their podiums.

On the far left, Princess Celestia stands with Cadence to her right behind the first podium. They are followed by Luna and Discord, sharing the second with a little grumbling. Queen Chrysalis stands behind the third, with Pinkie Pie hanging upside down from the curtains over her head. The Flim Flam Brothers stand behind the fourth, their new Terrific Taskmaster Transport Ten-Thousand waiting with rumbling whistles in the background. The fifth podium is decorated up in bright, whirling lights and reflective streamers, behind which stands Trixie, along with her new OC running mate, a purple maned, red pegasus named Darkened Flame. The eager OC is holding up a sign that says 'Call me RD', followed by a phone number. In the next spot, Iron Will poses dramatically, the quivering Bon Bon standing next to him, looking for all the world like she wants to bolt. After them comes the very last spot, where Captain Literal, a white pegasus with a red and purple mane, poses dramatically.

"Thank you all for coming for the big debate." Spike says to the candidates, looking from right to left. "As you all know, the electoral process has never quite been used in this manner. The decisions of the voters will decide, for the first time in Equestrian history, who is worthy to be our supreme ruler!"

"Now, to start out, I will ask a question submitted by the fans, and you all may answer it as you see fit." Spike explains, gesturing back towards you. "Remember, if you want to get votes, you must answer well."

Pulling out cue cards, the little dragon squints at the text, then asks the first question. "Alright, the first question is…" Spike squints one eye and hunches over, grating his voice as best he can.

"What… is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?"

"Ooh, ooh! I know this one!" Luna calls cheerfully, practically hopping up and down behind her podium as she waves her hoof in the air like a schoolhouse filly. "What do you mean? An African or European swallow?"

Spike straightens up, looking perplexed. "Uh, I dunno? Woooaaaah!" With a flash of magic from an unknown source, he is hurled from the stage. He soars over your head momentarily, only to crash into somepony off behind you. The audience bursts out laughing as the now grumbling Spike makes his way back up to the stage.

"Huh… shoulda seen that one coming." He coughs officiously into the mic, trying to conceal his wounded pride. "Okay, next question. This one is for one of our esteemed Princesses. Since Luna has already given an answer…" He rubs his head tenderly, bringing on another short bout of laughter. "…we shall let Princess Celestia have the floor."

"Thew question is, what has changed in Equestria over the millennia? Particularly since most of our technology still seems to be stuck in the dark ages, save for a few inventors like Flim and Flam?" Spike questions, ignoring the grins growing on the aforementioned brothers' faces as they glance at each other.

"That is a wonderful question, Spike." Celestia answers, putting on her best face. "I would wish to point out that in distant times, ponies lived in whatever simple homes they could construct themselves, without many modern conveniences such as electricity for light, ovens for baking, and clocks. Let us not forget useful things like glass lenses, steam powered locomotives, phonographs, cameras, and other important inventions as such. It is thanks to inventors like Flim and Flam throughout Equestrian history who have provided many wondrous things for us all."

"And I needn't remind you how quickly all of that could go away too…" She whispers under her breath, not realizing that the mic was still picking up.

"Great answer!" Spike announces cheerfully, almost too cheerfully. "Let's see, our next question is for Discord. With your recent breakout of prison, you have had a number of conflicts with Princess Celestia, and all of Equestria for that matter. With this in mind, do you know that ruling a country, let alone all of our universe, means more than simply giving us chocolate rain? How will Luna deal with it, knowing you are a permanent source of chaos?"

"The questioner would also like to add that it takes a lot of power to make reality freak out like you do." Spike finishes.

"Well, well, well. A thoughtful question! I must admit I am surprised, but not unprepared for such a query. After all, the questioner forgets that I was once god over Equestria, and I think my approach will be just fine. Sure, I may commit to a few more equitarian causes than I had in the past, but I like to think of our coming to power as a force for change from the boring old norm. After all, who doesn't like to discover that their crops are putting out one thousand fold, or that money really does grow on trees?"

"Huh, I never thought of it that way." Spike answers, a claw to his lips. "Well, moving on. Queen Chrysalis, since you already rule a hive of changelings, why do you feel the need to rule over Equestria as well? Don't you think that your attempt at taking the capitol will hurt others opinions of you, especially seeing how your very nature is deception? Can you offer anything up to the citizens to make it worth voting for you, and what will you expect in return?"

"It's quite simple, really. They already know that I intend to conquer them, so why not accept my leadership now instead? After all, won't having me mean an end to the incompetent tyranny of Celestia? They all know who and what I am, so why should they fear my nature?"

"As for what I intend to do, it is quite simple. For millennia, the changelings have been rejected, abused, and outcast from every land and society. I intend to make us all equals, so that my kind will never be discriminated against again!"

Chrysalis looks over at Celestia with a teasing smile. "After all, isn't peace and harmony your so-called promise? So where is it for all of the second-class citizens of your vaunted realm? It's not even just us, but the donkeys and mules of society, who get made fun of by ignorant, selfish ponies every day! You push around others like they are lesser, and ignore their cries for equality!" She gets herself more worked up, until she is slamming on her podium with each statement.

"Enough!" Celestia yells back, nearly deafening you with her own Canterlot Voice. "I may have to sit through this humiliating election, but I do not need to be lectured by you!"

The debaters look ready to come to blows when Spike intervenes. "Thank you both for your thoughts, but we must move along. Now Trixie, the questioners seem to want to know how your attitude will change if you become Ruler of Everything. With all of the sore, upset ponies you left behind you in Ponyville after the Ursa Minor incident, do you really think you can win their confidence back?"

"The Great and Powerful Trixie knows that her efforts will be sufficient to impress any citizen of Equestria. My assistant has even prepared a slogan to show our commitment to those whom I will rule over." Clapping her hooves together, she calls for her running mate. "Assistant, share the slogan."

Darkened Mane steps up, clearing his throat officiously. "When you vote for Celestia, she'll get the best of ya. When you vote for the moon, you'll meet your doom. That Discord, well he's evil no doubt, and Iron Will will just go and pout. But Trix is the only fix! Vote for Trixie for Ruler of Everything! I love you Rainbow Dash!"

The other candidates just sit there, staring at the Vice-Ruler candidate in mute confusion, save for Discord, who is busy doing his nails with an elephant. Off to one side, you notice Rainbow Dash rolling her eyes, her forehooves folded in front of her chest. "Oh please…"

"Well that was… uh… interesting." Spike looks just as unsure how to respond as the rest. "Moving on, Flim and Flam, your question is next. With your hooves already in the world of innovation, why do you want to get mixed up in politics? After all, with your focus as businesscolts, don't you think you're more suited to selling product than running a whole universe? What do you hope to gain from this, and what are you offering to everypony?"

"As you know," Flim begins, "our business model is not restricted to innovations alone, and widespread application of new technologies need to be implemented in order for true growth."

Flam takes up the reins. "We plan to industrialize every form of industry, bringing in new markets for Equestrians to build."

"We'll improve commerce with our neighboring kingdoms." Flim adds.

"Expand into the multiverse, bringing in bronies to enjoy all of the luxury and relaxation that pony society has to offer!" Flam puts in.

"And of course," they say together, "make a whole lot of money doing it!"

"I guess that's okay." Spike replies, looking a little awkward. He promptly looks over at the right side of the stage, whispering to somepony behind the curtains. "That's legal, right?"

"Spike! Focus!" The mysterious mare replies.

"Oh, right! On to the next question!" Spike checks the cards again, then looks up at Iron Will. "Iron Will, are you simply using this race to inflate your own ego, or do you really plan to fix things around the universe? Leading everypony is a much bigger job then providing confidence building workshops for ponies. Do you really know what you're getting into?"

"Iron Will is confident in his ability to lead. Ever since I was a little calf, I conquered every challenge I set my eye on. Nopony pushed Iron Will around, no obstacle was too difficult for him to overcome. I'm so confident in fact, that I guarantee you all a better world, or I'll step down, and eat my Vice-Ruler to boot!" He eyes you all, challenging you to doubt in his methods.

Hearing the minotaur's last promise, Bon Bon faints clean away from shock. Suddenly the soft, green form of Lyra shoots up onto the stage as she rushes to her friend's defense. Iron Will catches her head, holding her back from him.

"Let go of Bon Bon, you hand-having freak! Gimmie back my friend!" Lyra yells, swinging her hooves impotently at the minotaur.

"Iron Will bores of this challenge." He replies with a yawn, then hefts up Lyra by the head with one hand. "Let's see just how far Iron Will can make a pony fly!"

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Lyra squeals as Iron Will hurls her down the center aisle, sending her crashing through the doors into the lobby.

Brushing off his hands, he gives you a thumbs up and a wink. "Iron Will will crush the competition!"

"Uh huh. Well, with only one candidate left, it looks like you're up, Captain Literal!"

"I am ready! Throw your best question at my, for I will surely triumph over mere words!" The OC answers dramatically.

"Okay, what sort of measures do you plan to use in the defense of Equestria?" Spike shoots, watching eagerly for the response.

"I am the best defense, which also means I am a good offense! There's no part of defense that's beyond me! I could be a one-pony sports team! Equestria, and all of everything will be safe under my eyes."

"Woah, you can see all of everything, like with super vision!? That's amazing!" Spike exclaims in surprise.

"What? No, I only have television. My favorite channel is HBO!" Captain Literal replies, his voice still resounding heroically. Somewhere behind the stage, you hear a facehoof.

"Ah, yeah. Okay, we'll move on now." Spike's expression goes from awed to annoyed. "So Iron Will, do you use steroids?"

"Iron Will is insulted that anypony would think that these ROCK- HARD- PECS- were anything but raw, intimidating muscle built by hard work and grueling training!" The minotaur boasts, flexing his chest muscles in quick, snapping gestures.

"That's good." Spike replies, then looks back out at all of you. "Remember kids, drugs are no way to win."

He returns his attention to the candidates. "So, for those of you who haven't run a nation before, what kind of experience do you have working in politics? Since you've never had a shot at it before, what will give you the ability to rule everything?"

"Why, ingenuity, skilled practice, and a stick-to-itiveness that just won't quit, my good reptile!" Flim replies first.

"Besides, we have been in business for years, managing all a manner of things. Do you really think we got world famous for nothing?" Flam adds.

"Oh snore, you two have no talent next to the Great and Powerful Trixie! With my magic and talents, I will master the political system, just as I did with show business. My hard working assistant will also be there to ensure that everything runs smoothly." Trixie explains, eyeing the brothers.

"Iron Will scoffs at your pitiful attempts at impressing us. To truly manage a nation, you must first make everypony believe in your abilities. With Iron Will's tried and true leadership program, I will teach ponies how to manage themselves, becoming an efficient, powerful, unstoppable nation!"

"Hah, I have you all beaten!" Captain Literal announces, digging underneath his podium, from which he pulls out a foot-long piece of wood with little markers on it. "For I have this! With the power of the ruler, I will truly rule supreme!"

Discord promptly bursts out laughing, applauding wildly as he sags against the curtains for balance. "I haven't heard a joke that good in forever! You sir, deserve a prize!" He snaps his fingers, causing a hot air balloon with a whoopee cushion for it's air bag to appear.

"Huzzah! A mode of transit! This day is most fortunate indeed!" Captian Literal jumps into the balloon, pulling the ripcord to propel the awkward vehicle forward. With an enormous farting noise and a flood of gas that smells like pine, the vehicle hurls itself into the air, racing around the room before colliding with the fourth balcony with a resounding crash!

Stumbling from the wreckage, Captain Literal manages to pull himself upright, his voice wobbling as he tries to deliver yet another cheesy line. "Don't worry ef- everypony, I only broke my spine…" With that, he collapses in a heap.

"Could we get somepony to go help the Captain? I think he took that last one kinda hard." Spike comments, looking up at the wrecked balloon.

"I knew this was a bad idea." Another OC, this one an earth pony with a tan coat and a short, dark brown mane, emerges wearing a pair of aviators. He calls up to Captain Literal. "Did you remember to land on your head!?"

"I don't remember!" The injured OC replies.

"Thank you, Sergeant Sarcasm. Alright, let's get back to the questions, shall we?" Spike asks, looking out at all of you. Turning back to the candidates still on the stage, he asks the next question. "This one's for Princess Luna. How do you get your mane so gorgeous looking?"

Luna's eyes go wide as she tries to comprehend the question. "What does this have to do with rulership?"

"Dunno, that's just what they asked." Spike replies with a shrug.

Straightening up, the Princess puts on her regal bearing as she answers. "I have been blessed with star flecked hair, a part of my bond with the heavens themselves. If you really must know though, I do happen to use L'Oreal, because I'm worth it."

"Aha. Well, good tips for you mares looking for a little shine out there!" Spike reads the next card, a surprised look crossing his face. "We have another question for Captain Literal."

"Never fear… Cap… Captain Literal is here..!" The battered candidate declares as his companion helps him back to the stage.

"Okay, Captain, here it goes. If you could change any one thing in particular as ruler, what would you change?"

Placing his hooves on either side of his podium, Captain Literal does his best to make a heroic stand. "I would find a way to be able to spend time with my subjects! One problem with your Princesses, they never were able to spend time with their subjects and get to know them more! So I'll change that so you all get to spend time with el numero uno!"

"Hmm… okay, that was interesting. So how's about we get some crowd reactions on this?" He turns to face you, mic in claw.

Hands and hooves fly into the air as ponies and bronies jockey for the chance to ask a question. After looking about, Spike points out a random brony. "How about you?"

"Princess Celestia! You promised the ponies and bronies of this world longer days! Will that not cause jealously to rise again within your sister, Luna? Doesn't that show that you still haven't learned your lesson and that you are, in reality, a tyrant who can get away with anything with no consequences? Why did you choose Twilight Sparkle as your as campaign manager who has no experience in such things?" You hear Twilight Sparkle, somewhere behind the curtains, gasping in indignation at the random questioner's comment.

"You seem to be very biased when choosing things! Will we find your friends on the councils instead of suitable ponies and bronies? And are you racist against humans? 'Frivolous human spending' Hmm? I think you are!! Sending ponies and bronies to the moon for incompetence!? YOU TYRANT!"

Through the angry tirade, Princess Celestia stands quietly, listening to the questioner's concerns, a smile creasing her lips. "To answer your question, no, I did not promise longer days. You just imagined it. Second, I am quite confident in Twilight Sparkle, and all she has done for my campaign. Third, I don't recall ever putting anypony in a position of power, though I do like watching you all scramble to put your own representatives in power. It's quite amusing! Fourth, humans do spend too much money, particularly in political circles. I've never taxed my subjects needlessly, and have not raised them since my coronation. Politicians who can't do so need to be duly punished for wasting your money. Fourth, I have already stated that only the most serious crimes, such as baselessly criticizing your current ruler, will receive the moon punishment."

"As such, to the moon with you!" Her horn glows, sending the offending party off into space with a flash of light. She starts to laugh, only to have Cadence interrupt her with a vigorous tapping on her shoulder. The frowning younger alicorn whispers hastily in her ear, making Celestia frown and slump her shoulders.

"Oh fine, I'll put him back." She grumbles, her horn flashing again.

The offending questioner reappears, looking indignant at his treatment. He promptly turns on his savior, continuing his questions. "Princess Cadence! What happens to Shining Armor? How will being married to the Captain of the Guard influence your position? Will you be more vulnerable to giving more money to the Guard and ignore other units stationed all around Equestria? It is very possible for your ability to be used in a more...evil manner. How can you guarantee it will not be used in such a way?"

"Uh, well my marriage with Shining Armor shouldn't have anything to do with the Guard, beyond defense matters… I'm more concerned with social issues, such as the countless broken relationships and broken hearts that are suffered every year. Besides that, I'm not evil and would never use your money in an unreasonable manner." She sounds visibly shaken, stepping back as if to hide from her questioner.

Turning on Luna and Discord, the brony continues his attacks. "Princess Luna! How could you agree with Discord to enslave the Brony population!? As a Brony myself I find this outrageous! Besides, I am a man! I don't produce milk you dolt of a draconequus! Also, sweets at every meal time rot little colts, fillies, and children's teeth! I don't want to live in a world where the next generation all wear dentures when they are twenty! What happens to ponies and people allergic to chocolate? And Discord, with your mud based system don't people that live in more arid environment become poor? Everyone will shift to muddier areas causing overpopulation and death!"

Luna takes a moment to think about a response, then speaks. "I am certain Discord did not mean to actually do any such thing." At this, the draconequus smirks. "We are simply trying to end tyranny, bring about a new regime, and create fairness for our subjects."

"Blah blah blah, your needs." Discord mocks, pressing past Luna. "There's nothing more fair then chaos, since by no virtue or fault of your own, you will be treated with a random event at all times. I am not a dolt, and you, my friend, happen to be quite well endowed." He snaps his fingers, causing the brony's chest to swell up.

Some of the audience laugh, watching in amusement as the questioner struggles to keep his expanded chest under control. Discord continues. "You seem to forget that I can make any food have as much or as little health value to it as I wish. Take this book for instance." He holds up a heavy phone book. With an unceremonious bite, he devours a portion of it. "Mmm, twelve essential vitamins with no health consequences whatsoever!"

He tosses the book behind him, and is rewarded with squeals at the entire backstage loses it's gravity. "Furthermore, who said anywhere would be more arid than anywhere else? Remember, chaos is all equal opportunity. Mahahahaha. Besides, wasn't it your own Voltaire who once wrote, 'Ce monde est un vaste temple dédié à la discorde.' Or 'The world is a vast temple dedicated to discord.' for those of you uncultured buffoons." He closes with a dark chuckle, tapping his fingertips together.

Having finally gotten his chest back under control, the questioner rounds on the next candidate. "Queen Chrysalis! What keeps the population of this land from becoming basic feeding slaves to your people? Where are our rights? Our privileges? How do we know you won't have changelings in every important post of the government and take control of everything?"

The changeling Queen examines her hoof as if looking over her nails, then looks squarely into the questioner's eyes. "My reign will be about undoing the oppression of generations, fixing a system that has been a curse upon lesser races. We will rise up, take control from the pony majority, and finally get the respect we deserve! I don't care about ensuring pony rights, especially after all the oppression they've put us through! This is our time! We will take it!"

The brony takes a step back, deciding to move on rather than get more of a response from Chrysalis. "Pinkie Pie! You're awesome. Next!"

"Heeheehee! Thank you!" Pinkie answers cheerfully, waving to him.

"Flim and Flam! Everything you make turns against you or causes destruction! You don't even guarantee your machines will work! So how can we trust you mischievous brothers not to tax and corrupt this government for your greedy hooves!? You wanted to kick Applejack out of her own farm! Applejack! You wanted to take advantage of the Element of Honesty? How does that reflect on your morals?"

"Well… uh…" Flam stammers, looking over at his more eloquent brother.

"You see, we don't have the same mentality that we did!" Flim answers, sweat beading on his brow. "Remember, we were trying to aid the Apple family, but they didn't want our help. They couldn't see that our business model would have ensured they doubled their original profits, even after the seventy-five percent drop. It was good business sense, which they just didn't have."

"Of all the… ah aught ta go out there an' give those two a piece of mah mind!" Applejack utters, ready to stomp out onto the stage. She is held back by half a dozen hooves, as stagehands attempt to keep her at bay.

"Also," Flam picks up, "we never said our machines wouldn't work. As long as they are kept within operating parameters, they work fine."

"Does that answer your question, my fine fellow?" Flim asks, only to frown indignantly as the brony moves on.

"Trixie! … Nope! Hehe. Next!" The questioner moves on, clawing an inarticulate sound from Trixie's throat.

"I am the Great and Powerful Trixie! How dare you ignore me!?" She tries to rush off the stage to attack him, but is held back by Darkened Flame.

"Don't let him goad you. It's what he wants." The OC explains, trying to calm his running mate down.

"Iron Will! Becoming Ruler of Everything is not some way to inflate your ego! Get off before Zangief leads the revolution to take you down! And I ain't talkin' downtown, I'm talking 6 feet underground!" The brony taunts, bringing splutters of rage from the minotaur.

"Iron Will is not doing this for an ego trip! I will crush your Zangief next time we meet in the ring!"

"Yeah yeah, sure." The questioner waves him off, bringing a fresh, red wave of steam to the minotaur's head. "Bon-Bon... How has Lyra not rescued you, yet?"

Peering out from behind the podium, Bon Bon merely whimpers, glancing up at Iron Will.

Clearing his throat, the brony grins. "Well that should be just about all my questions! Oh except one! Hey, Twilight! Wanna hang out? I'd love to discuss Equestrian History with you!"

Twilight emerges from behind the stage, her face indignant. "You want to hang out? You insult my skills as a political organizer, criticize my mentor baselessly in front of an audience of thousands, insult my friends and co-workers, and you want to HANG OUT!?"

With an enormous burst of magic, both Twilight and the questioning brony disappear. The room goes silent, with Princess Celestia being the only one smiling. "I taught her everything she knows!"

"Well, that got way out of hand." Spike comments, shaking his head. He turns to the candidates. "Thank you all for attending the debate! We'll see who wins at the big election!"

The curtains sweep closed, and Derpy emerges with an intermission sign, causing a mass exodus to the restroom and snack counters. At least the debate is over!

* * *

As you re-enter the theatre, you see that the entire room has been redone! The orchestra has been replaced by a battery of lights and a sound team, the stage has gone from hardwoods and red curtains to polished laminate floors and lighting gantries. The holoprojectors are active too, shifting through a dozen different scenes as they prepare for projection.

Nervous candidates peer out onto the stage as they await their turns for the Pony Variety Show! Singoff competition. The crowd whispers eagerly, awaiting the opening acts for what promises to be an interesting round of music.

"Fillies and gentlecolts, bronies of all ages! Welcome to the very first Pony Variety Show! Singoff!" Spike announces as he waddles onto the stage, dressed in a dapper tuxedo and hat, with a fine mustache gracing his upper lip. "From all around the brony community, your OCs will come onstage to show their stuff and compete for your votes! Now let's get this show started!"

Applause fills the room as the holoprojectors flare to life, setting the stage in an apartment, blued lighting making the whole scene look glum and cold.

The first OC, a white pegasus stallion with an ice blue mohawk and tail that spike towards his back steps out onto the stage, a confident smile set upon his face. "Hi, everypony. I'm Freezing Cold. I have been searching long and hard for my one special somepony. I have known her for years, but haven't been able to tell her. I don't care if it isn't Hearts and Hooves Day, or won't be for a while, but I'm still searching for her. She probably won't be here, or at the next place I do one of these, but if you're here, Chamomile, this song is for you."

An acoustic guitar begins to play, thrumming out a rhythm as the cool lights beam down upon the stage.

"I wanna be drunk when I wake up,

On the right side of the wrong bed,

And every excuse I made up,

Tell you the truth I hate,

What didn't kill me,

It never made me stronger at all."

Freezing sings slow and low to the rhythm of the song, looking just a bit distraught as he sits back upon a couch, surrounded by dirty laundry. A scattered series of photographs are spread upon a coffee table before him, showing pictures, presumably of the pony he is looking for.

"Love will scar your make-up lip sticks to me,

So now I'll maybe leave back there,

I'm sat here wishing I was sober,

I know I'll never hold you like I used to."

"But our house gets cold when you cut the heating,

Without you to hold I'll be freezing,

Can't rely on my heart to beat it,

'Cause you take part of it every evening,

Take words out of my mouth just from breathing,

Replace with phrases like when you're leaving me."

Freezing Cold rises from where he's seated, wandering about the apartment. His eyes fix to places where tender moments might have happened, a faint glimmer of longing in his deep blue eyes.

"Should I, should I?

Maybe I'll get drunk again,

I'll be drunk again,

I'll be drunk again,

To feel a little love,

I wanna hold your heart in both hands,

I'll watch it fizzle at the bottom of a Coke can,

And I've got no plans for the weekend,

So shall we speak then,

Keep it between friends,

Though I know you'll never love me like you used to."

Scooping up a can, he stares at the beer's label for a long moment, as if contemplating it's contents. Then, with a quick pull of the tab, he takes a long swig from the tall can before returning to his song.

"There maybe other people like us,

You see the flicker of the clip when they light up,

Flames just create us, burns don't heal like before,

You don't hold me anymore."

"On cold days Coldplay's out like the band's the name,

I know I can't heal things with a hand shake,

You know I can't change as I began saying,

You cut me wide open like landscape,

Open bottles of beer but never champagne,

We'll applaud you with the sound that my hands make."

Freezing trots towards the edge of the stage, letting his feelings pour out as he sings out the contents of his heart, his eyes seeming to search the audience, as if to catch a glimpse of the pony he pines for.

"Should I, should I?

Maybe I'll get drunk again,

I'll be drunk again,

I'll be drunk again,

To feel a little love."

With a long sigh, Freezing hangs his head, plodding slowly away from you. He hangs his head, then settles back upon the couch, his eyes fixing upon another beer can sitting jut within hoof's reach.

"All by myself,

I'm here again,

All by myself,

You know I'll never change,

All by myself,

All by myself,

I'm just drunk again,

I'll be drunk again,

I'll be drunk again,

To feel a little love."

The song comes to a close as the blued lights dim, then come up as Freezing Cold steps up to the edge of the stage again, a smile upon his face. Applause rings out over the audience, cheers breaking through and more than a few mares try to rush the stage, calling out their love and perhaps a phone number or two.

"Thank you all!" Freezing Cold calls out, waving to everypony as he heads back behind the curtains.

"Wasn't that wonderful, everypony!?" Spike asks, holding the mic out for the audiences' response. The shouts and screams of approval boom out over the audio system, flooding your senses with energy and enthusiasm. "We'd like to extend a special thank you to codejunkie and his OC, Freezing Cold for their participation today!"

"Our next act belongs to our very own Captain Literal, and his OC of the same name, rapping to his own home written lyrics! Give it up for the Captain!" Spike sidesteps, holding out his arm in presentation as another applause ripples through the crowd.

The stage floods with lights of various colors as the pegasus enters the stage, looking somewhat less battered for all of the wear he'd suffered during the debate.

"Hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. I'll be rappin' for this one!" He announces as a heavy bass beat begins to thrum in the background.

"Hey everybody, it's me, the one who is gong to make this competition less boring.

My name is Captain Literal, the not very critical.

But I'm still a lot of fun, so just sit back son."

The Captain bobs his head in time with the beat, sliding shades over his eyes, then folding his hooves in front of his chest as he moves with the music.

"It is time to bring...erm... something strange, that had a lot of range?

Anyway, back down business, lets get together, and snack on biscuits.

Okay I may have forgotten the rest of this song,

It may have something to do with me spending all last night playing ponykong.

What? it is a very fun game, one that drives the Sarge insane!"

Have you meet him? Well he is my best friend!

I would never trade im', right to the very end!

But enough about him, it is time for the big finale.

This is gonna be cooler, than the air in a bowling alley!"

Launching himself into the air, the pegasus begins flying in tight, circling sweeps, causing a whirlwind to start sucking up stage props and throwing them all about the room.

"Big time, bring in the tornado!

Gonna smack down these lyrics like I do a tomato!"

Suddenly, he loses control, spinning out of his own whirlwind. With a cry of dismay, he goes hurtling into one of the walls, slamming hard into it, then slumping headfirst to the floor. "Owchie… Don't worry I'm okay folks!"

The whirlwind, however, doesn't seem interested in ending it's destructive run. It careens across the stage, jumps into the pit, hurls lighting fixtures up through it's funneled top, then leaps into the audience. Ponies and bronies are sucked unceremoniously from their seats, flung all about, and landing upon other audience members. The destructive column of air slows, then vanishes before it gets to you, but your good fortune ends in a shower of popcorn and soda.

* * *

It takes several minutes for you to get cleaned up from your impromptu bath. You come out and resume your seat just as the stage crew finishes their cleanup.

"Sorry about the wait, but we all know how crazy this show can get." Spike says as he steps up. "Our next act will be performed by Infernus, the OC of Hellpony. Without further ado, let's welcome him in, folks!"

A round of applause and cheers sound out for a black unicorn with lava-like red marks upon his body. He has a red and black mohawk, and his tail looks like a jet of flame with a black core. He grins in a calm, yet sinister feeling manner, his slitted red eyes probing you.

"Greetings everybrony! First off, I want to thank Celestial for releasing me just to perform for your sick pleasure. Now the song I've pick is a personal favorite of mine, and one you Luna should be familiar with."

The holoprojectors begin displaying scenes of men and ponies in military gear across the background, preparing themselves for battle with sword and spear, firearms and kevlar, each ready to face death. An electric guitar begins to thrum as the song plays out a deceptively calm rhythm over the audience.

The song opens with Strother Martin's famed quote, his soft tone setting the stage for the song. "What we've got here is failure to communicate.Some men you just can't reach... So, you get what we had here last week, which is the way he wants it! Well, he gets it! N' I don't like it any more than you men."

The red unicorn slowly sings as the rhythm plays, his words carrying through the crowd, almost as if he were reciting a a quote rather than singing.

"Look at your young men fighting,

Look at your women crying,

Look at your young men dying,

The way they've always done before."

"Look at the hate we're breeding,

Look at the fear we're feeding,

Look at the lives we're leading,

The way we've always done before."

The music begins to beat faster as Infernus leans forward, his voice sharpening and hitting a much higher pitch as the song breaks into a rapid rhythm. The scenes become more violent as it displays soldiers rushing to their deaths upon battlefields, surrounded by explosions. Ponies charge into battle, spears shining as they crash into a line of griffons. The two sides tear into each other, with individuals falling on both sides.

"My hands are tied,

The billions shift from side to side,

And the wars go on with brainwashed pride,

For the love of God and our human rights!

And all these things are swept aside,

By bloody hands time can't deny,

And are washed away by your genocide,

And history hides the lies of our civil wars!"

"D'you wear a black armband,

When they shot the man,

Who said, "Peace could last forever"?

And in my first memories,

They shot Kennedy,

I went numb when I learned to see.

So I never fell for Vietnam,

We got the wall of D.C. to remind us all,

That you can't trust freedom,

When it's not in your hands.

When everybody's fightin',

For their promised land."

"And I don't need your civil war!

It feeds the rich while it buries the poor!

Your power hungry sellin' soldiers,

In a human grocery store,

Ain't that fresh?

I don't need your civil war!"

Infernus' voice dulls once again as the song slows. The jamming guitar follows suit, now just thrumming a calm rhythm.

"Look at the shoes your filling,

Look at the blood we're spilling,

Look at the world we're killing,

The way we've always done before.

Look in the doubt we've wallowed,

Look at the leaders we've followed,

Look at the lies we've swallowed,

And I don't want to hear no more."

The beat picks up again, followed quickly by Infernus, who leans forward, nearly carrying the mic stand he is gripping to the floor as he sings deep, his eyes squeezing tight shut with passion.

"My hands are tied!

For all I've seen has changed my mind,

But still the wars go on as the years go by,

With no love of God or human rights!

'Cause all these dreams are swept aside,

By bloody hands of the hypnotized,

Who carry the cross of homicide,

And history bears the scars of our civil wars!"

Another quote breaks the thrumming pound of the music. "We practice selective annihilation of mayors and government officials, for example to create a vacuum. Then we fill that vacuum. As popular war advances, peace is closer."

"I don't need your civil war,

It feeds the rich while it buries the poor!

Your power hungry sellin' soldiers,

In a human grocery store,

Ain't that fresh?

And I don't need your civil war,

I don't need your civil war,

I don't need your civil war!

Your power hungry sellin' soldiers,

In a human grocery store,

Ain't that fresh?

I don't need your civil war,

I don't need one more war!"

"I don't need one more war!

Whaz so civil 'bout war!?"

The song comes slowly to a close, drawing out the quieting electric guitar as Infernus lays down upon the stage, his head rising with dramatic slowness as he stares at the audience. Then, without any further words, he rises from where he lay walking quietly from the stage. Lights come back up as applause thrums through the audience.

"What a performance! Thank you for coming out to share with us, Infernus! We'll let you know the results when we get the votes in!" Spike calls after the frightening pony. "Our next act comes from another of our contributors, TheAssumingMage's OC, Triverus Agon Mage. Please welcome him to the show!"

More cheers and applause greet the light blue pegasus, who's white mane and tail hang naturally from his back. He does not speak as he steps out onto the stage, clearing his throat before the mic. A random beat made from instruments crossed with zany tool effect sounds begins to play as the holoprojectors turn the stage into what appears to be a Home Depot aisle. A small quartet of backup singers hit the chorus words as Mage sings the fast paced, random lyrics.

"Nothing ever (ever) happens in this town,

Feelin' low down (down), not a lot to do around here,

I thought that I would go right outta my mind,

Until a friend told me the news."

"He said, "(Hey), you know that vacant lot,

Right beside the gas station? Well, somebody bought it,

And on the spot they're gonna build a shop,

Where we can go buy bolts and screws"."

"Since then I've been walking on air (air),

I can barely brush my teeth or comb my hair,

'Cause I'm so excited and I really don't care,

I've been waiting since last June."

"For this day to finally arrive,

I'm so happy (happy) now just to be alive,

'Cause any minute now I'm gonna be inside,

Well, I hope they open soon."

"I can't wait no, (no I) I can't wait (oh when),

When they gonna open up that door?

I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the,

Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the,

Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the,

Hardware store."

"In my sleeping bag I camped out overnight,

Right in front of the store, then as soon as it was light out,

I pressed my nose right up against the glass,

You know, I had to be first in line."

"Gonna get me a flashlight and a broom,

Want a pair of pliers for every single room in my house,

See those hacksaws? Very, very soon,

One of them will be all mine."

"Guys with name tags walking down the aisles,

Rows of garden hoses that go on for miles and miles,

Brand new socket wrenches in a plethora of styles,

All arranged alphabetically."

"And they're doing a promotional stunt,

There's a great big purple sign out front,

That says every 27th customer,

Will get a ball pein hammer free."

"I can't wait no, (no I) I can't wait (oh when),

When are they gonna open up that door?

I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the,

Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the,

Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the,

Hardware store."

"I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the,

Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the,

Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the,

Hardware store."

"Would you look at all that stuff ...

They've got allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters,

Trash compactors, juice extractors, shower rods and water heaters,

Walkie-talkies, copper wires, safety goggles, radial tires,

BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers,

Picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters,

Paint removers, window louvers, masking tape and plastic gutters,

Kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables,

Hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles,

Pesticides for fumigation, high-performance lubrication,

Metal roofing, water proofing, multi-purpose insulation,

Air compressors, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors,

Tire gauges, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors,

Trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcisers,

Tennis rackets, angle brackets, Duracells and Energizers,

Soffit panels, circuit brakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers,

Calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper shakers."

"I can't wait no, (no I) I can't wait (oh when),

When are they gonna open up that door?

I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the,

Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the,

Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the,

Hardware store."

"I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the,

Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the,

Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the,

Hardware store."

"I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the,

Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the,

Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes, I'm goin' to the,

Hardware store."

Through the entire song, Mage doesn't move an inch save for singing, while the other ponies cavort and dance all about behind him, grabbing random objects as they try to keep up with the song's breakneck pace. The audience sits there in silence, staring at the amazing feat of tongue twisting. Then, with thunderous applause, they whoop and cheer as Mage takes an elegant bow, then retreats slowly from the stage.

"Woah!" Spike laughs. "Remind me never to take him on in a tongue twister! Our next act comes from Tragicom, and his OC of the same name! Please welcome Tragicom!"

Claps and cheers greet the red unicorn who sports a shaggy brown mane and a pair of silver framed glasses. Stepping up to the mic, he greets you all. "Well, hello everypony. Like many of you out there, I am an OC. Whoop-dee-doo for me. I feel that this concept is entirely overused. As such, I doubt I'll see you again after tonight. But, I'll be happy to share a small parody of a classic 'I am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General'."

A piano starts playing a comedic little melody as several ponies emerge, wearing frilly white dresses or pirate clothes. The stage is quickly transformed into that of an old english theatre, which has props to make it look like a jungle with a storming sea behind it in the background. Tragicom begins to sing at an incredible pace as he paces back and forth to the tinkle of the rapid flicks of piano keys.

"I am the very model of a My Little Pony OC,

And when I say that I mean that you will not see too much of me.

I'm not some secret alicorn, I don't have some grand destiny,

'Specially considering that mere sports can get the best of me.

I've got decent intelligence, I'm quite the happy thespian,

But I'm no more important than a normal old Equestrian,

In fact if I were in a fic, I'd prob'ly stick to the background,

I might say something clever but I'd norm'lly never make a sound."

The chorus line picks up as Tragicom stops, their voices mingling gleefully.

"He might say something clever but he'd norm'lly never make a sound,

He might say something clever but he'd norm'lly never make a sound,

He might say something clever but he'd norm'lly never, ever make a sound."

Tragicom begins to sing again, and if anything even faster than his last round.

"A unicorn like me is really nothing to write home about,

I'd rather write the characters who've already developed clout,

I truly think that this minor sense of responsibility,

Makes me the very model of a My Little Pony OC."

The chorus comes in again.

"He truly thinks that this minor sense of responsibility,

Makes him the very model of a My Little Pony OC."

Tragicom continues his song, even more rapidly.

"I worship the Princesses, and appreciate their daily work,

I think that I'm a nice guy, I really hope I'm not a jerk.

I'm really not trying to knock everyone else's characters,

But when I read fics that have OC pairings, it is pure torture."

"This is the kind of show that can boast a quite impressive cast,

Admittedly it needs more guys, and it could really use them fast.

That's no reason to add a bunch of newbies to the pony race,

Sure, I like these characters but dating them is not my place."

The chorus returns, still doing their best to match Tragicom's incredible singing speed.

"Sure, he likes these characters but dating them is not his place,

Sure, he likes these characters but dating them is not his place,

Sure, he likes these characters but dating them is really not his place."

Tragicom begins once again, his pacing stopped as he continues to fire away lines with maddening speed.

"So if you were to write another silly pony shipping fic,

The second I see an OC is the moment I choose to back-click.

I truly think that this minor sense of responsibility,

Makes me the very model of a My Little Pony OC."

The chorus is now panting, their struggles showing in wide eyes and sagging breaths.

"He truly thinks that this minor sense of responsibility,

Makes him the very model of a My Little Pony OC."

Tragicom finally slows his pace, stating his sentences in an almost explanatory manner.

"But… If you want a new character, I'm sure there are good ones out there,

Sadly with all the bad ones I really can't be bothered to care.

So please don't think I wrote these lyrics just so I could try to hate,

Like all others I try live up to the mantra of "Love and Tolerate".

So OCs all, do your best to go past the silly stereotypes,

Then I might be less likely to write a song listing off my gripes.

Frankly, I have no place unless I were to be drawn on the show,

And if they were to offer, I highly doubt that I would say 'no'."

The chorus gasp through their next set of lines, each one looking exhausted.

"And if they were to offer, he highly doubts that he would say 'no',

And if they were to offer, he highly doubts that he would say 'no',

And if they were to offer, he highly doubts that he would ever say 'no'."

Speeding up once again, Tragicom shoots through another blistering series of lines.

"So saying I'm best pony is never something I would claim,

The only reason I exist because I really like this name.

So if you enjoyed this song, I bid to you all a fond 'Merci',

From this, the humble model of My Little Pony OC."

The chorus singers gasp through the last of the lyrics, then fall about in a heap from sheer exhaustion.

"So if you enjoyed this song, we bid to you all a fond 'Merci',

From this, the humble model of My Little Pony OC."

Tragicom looks about at all of his co-singers, who are sprawled about, eyes wide and tongues lolling. "Hmm… maybe I should have slowed down a bit."

Applause and cheers flood from the audience as the OC departs, replaced quickly by Spike. "Man, I had no idea that ponies could sing that fast! Maybe he and the last guy are related. Anyway, our next entry is RLYoshi's OC Arrell. Let's give him a hardy round of applause!"

The crowd claps cheerfully for the next contender, a royal blue unicorn stallion sporting a yellow mane and tail flecked with bits of brown. He smiles at you nervously around a pair of black framed reading glasses. Stepping to the front of the stage, he clears his throat, then begins to sing as a piano thrums softly, backed by a thumping beat. The holoprojectors spray illusion over the background, filling it up like a dark alley spreading into a faintly lit street off behind the OC.

"I just couldn't sleep that night,

I laid awake in bed,

Contemplated all the things you said.

Called fate out, I'm like "What the hay?!"

I can't keep pace, so I kneel forward and beg to God,

You're so far out; screw these legs I've got.

I need wings so I can fly instead,

All my limbs might as well be dead.

Gosh darn it I wish I could grow a pair,

Far worse pains in the world out there.

Forest flames blot the evening air,

Oppressed crying out with screams of despair,

Yet all I care about is to be in your lair.

Why did God bring you into my life,

Only to have my heart split and sliced?

Don my facade to keep happy and nice,

But in reality I'm crying hard deep inside."

"I wanna forget all of our days,

If it spared me the pain, I would even erase,

Every memory cherished, everything we've made,

But nothing undoes the legacy you've created.

Every day I'll always see the same sight,

The ship that woulda been about a dozen a ride,

Infinite colours yet an orange light,

No Photoshopping could make this look right,

No photos shot could bring you to my side.

I wish I could be with you when you are tired,

No need for you to clean the bathroom tiles,

We wouldn't even have to hide our files.

But even if we had to hide our existence,

At least what we had coulda kept on existing,

I'm missing a part of me I wish I could fill in,

And so I return to the world I've been killing."

"The one I woulda lost that night,

Looking back on all those times,

When the world tried to keep me happy,

Earth so scorched yet smiling gladly.

The one I started taking for granted sadly,

The one I loved so much it was almost campy,

The one I lived so much in, like always camping,

The one who brightened me and kept me laughing.

I wonder if I made the right reactions,

Living through each day, double-checking my actions,

'Cause I wonder if I screwed the last ones.

At a glance, you'd think I don't know who I'm after,

And I'm trying to write a new chapter,

Trying to keep moving forward and faster.

But I don't know if I'm going to last,

So please God again carry me through the sand."

The singing pauses as the nervous OC stares at the stage, doing his best to ignore the countless eyes boring in on him as the music thrums out it's beat. Slowly, Arrell raises his head, eyes filled with emotion as he sings again.

"I just couldn't sleep that night,

I laid awake in bed,

Contemplated all the things you said.

Called fate out, I'm like "What the hay?!"

I can't keep pace, so I kneel forward and beg to God,

You're so far out; screw these legs I've got.

I need wings so I can fly instead,

All my limbs might as well be dead.

Gosh darn it I wish I could grow a pair,

Far worse pains in the world out there.

Forest flames blot the evening air,

Oppressed crying out with screams of despair,

Yet all I care about is to be in your lair.

Why did God bring you into my life,

Only to have my heart split and sliced?

Don my facade to keep happy and nice,

But in reality I'm crying hard deep inside."

A second interlude passes, this one filled with garbled mumblings of an anguished soul as the lights strobe sending your mind reeling with strange, haunting images. Arrell opens his mouth to sing once more, pouring out his feelings through the notes in the air.

"No photos shot could bring you to my side.

I wish I could be with you when you are tired,

No need for you to clean the bathroom tiles,

We wouldn't even have to hide our files.

But even if we had to hide our existence,

At least what we had coulda kept on existing,

I'm missing a part of me I wish I could fill in,

And so I return to the world I've been killing."

The lights come up to another rousing applause as ponies and bronies cheer for the departing OC. The room slowly lightens up again as Spike steps up. "Wow, what an amazing performance! We really got some great submissions from you guys!"

"Next up, we have Cornlover's OC, River Water. I'd like to extend a special thank you from all of us on the Pony Variety Show! for inspiring this contest in the first place, and for your participation!"

A shy looking blue unicorn filly, just shy of marehood, creeps out from behind the curtains. Brushing back her hair nervously, she uncovers a pair of horns sprouting one over the other from her brow. Her eyes dart back and forth nervously, as if she's unsure of what to do with herself.

"Come on up, River Water! Everypony is waiting!" Spike urges, holding out his claw to the nervous pony.

In response, River slowly approaches, standing before the microphone. Clearing her voice, she straightens up, as if attempting to pull out her nerves. "Hello everypony! I hope I don't make a fool of myself, but this song I sang when my adopted daddy found me and gave me my name."

She takes a long breath, then begins to sing in a high, clear voice. Behind her, the stage takes on the look of a peaceful river flanked by tall, majestic trees. Fish dance in the water, while fowls of many breeds swim serenely across it's surface, or roost quietly upon it's shores. A stag wanders from the woods, leaning forward to sip at the waters peacefully as the music calms and quiets the crowd.

"As I went down in the river to pray,

Studying about that good old way,

And who shall wear the starry crown good Lord,

Show me the way."

"O' sisters lets go down, lets go down, c'mon down,

O' sisters lets go down, down in the river to pray."

"As I went down in the river to pray,

Studying about that good old way,

And who shall wear the robe and crown good Lord,

Show me the way."

"O' brothers lets go down, lets go down, c'mon down,

Come on brothers lets go down, down in the river to pray."

"As I went down in the river to pray,

Studying about that good old way,

And who shall wear the starry crown good Lord,

Show me the way."

"O' fathers lets go down, lets go down, c'mon down.

O' fathers lets go down, down in the river to pray."

"As I went down in the river pray,

Studying about that good old way,

And who shall wear the robe and crown good Lord,

Show me the way."

"O' mothers lets go down, lets go down, c'mon down.

Come on mothers lets go down, down to the river to pray."

"As I went down in the river to pray,

Studying about that good old way,

And who shall wear the starry crown good Lord,

Show me the way."

"O' sinners lets go down, lets go down, c'mon down.

O' sinners lets go down, down in the river to pray."

"As I went down in the river pray,

Studying about that good old way,

And who shall wear the robe and crown good lord,

Show me the way."

As the unicorn's voice calms, settling to the soft rhythms of flowing water. The room is quiet, save for sniffing and happy crying coming from members of the audience. River Water takes a modest bow, her voice almost a whisper as she sniffles back a tear. "Thank you for listening."

A slow, building applause thunders about the chamber as she departs into the back. The holoprojectors fading out the serene scene, to be replaced by a series of colorful lights as Spike steps forward again. "What a great performance! I think I'll get that song in recording for a lullaby myself!"

A smattering of laughter greets Spike's proclamation. He grins, then continues with the announcements. "Next up, Krushnazag has shared his OC, Winding Gearshaft, who will be singing 'The Music of the Night'. Let's give him a round of applause, everypony!"

Clapping greets a proud, sturdily built light brown unicorn stallion as he heads up upon the stage. He grins oddly, proffering up his synthetic right foreleg. The lights dim, showing a deep, hollow cave filled with the light of a thousand candles emerging in the background as he strides closer through the reflections of the flickering glow reflecting off the holographic pool. Without a word, Gears begins singing, the rhythmic flow of an orchestra flowing up around his song.

"Night time sharpens, heightens each sensation,

Darkness stirs and wakes imagination,

Silently the senses abandon their defenses."

"Slowly, gently night unfurls its splendor,

Grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender.

Turn your face away from the garish light of day,

Turn your thoughts away from cold unfeeling light,

And listen to the music of the night."

"Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams,

Purge your thoughts of the life you knew before,

Close your eyes, let your spirit start to soar,

And you live as you've never lived before."

"Softly, deftly, music shall caress you,

Hear it, feel it secretly possess you.

Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind,

In this darkness that you know you cannot fight,

The darkness of the music of the night."

"Let your mind start a journey to a strange new world,

Leave all thoughts of the life you knew before,

Let your soul take you where you long to be,

Only then can you belong to me."

"Floating, falling, sweet intoxication,

Touch me, trust me, savor each sensation.

Let the dream begin, let your darker side give in,

To the power of the music that I write,

The power of the music of the night."

"You alone can make my song take flight,

Help me make the music of the night."

The performance comes to a close as the stallion walks down from the stage into the audience, his eyes fixed upon a mare. Blushing and breathing heavily, she shivers delightedly, her eyes fill with stars at his approach. Gears approaches her, his own eyes shining as he comes to a stop in front of her.

"Shiny…" He mumbles.

The mare, shocked at his response, glances down at her rather opulent necklace, glittering in the dim light. Her head snaps back up, and she plants a hoof squarely across his face. He reels over, caught off guard as his attention is brought forcefully back to reality.

"Ouch…"

"Ooh, that had to hurt!" Spike calls out, his voice merry despite his attempted sympathy for the stricken OC. "I guess it doesn't help to forget what you're doing during a stage performance."

As laughter settles back down, Spike continues his narrative. "Our next performance will come from DJ Pyro 3's OCs, Facade Quillmane and Etereo, performing their own rendition of Phantom of the Opera! Looks like a popular topic today!"

The lights dim to a deep gloom, showing a spectacularly elaborate dance floor shrouded in the deep folds of night. The sound of a pipe organ begins, filling the dark chamber with a resounding, haunting tune. Stepping slowly from the left side of the stage, a dull magenta earth pony emerges, her blue and orange hair framing a sad, quiet face. She is wearing a beautiful white dress that fits close to her frail, lovely form. Opening her mouth slowly, she begins to sing.

"In shadows he does hide, on gala night..

The dreams he promised me...they called my name...

And though I search for him...In night he hides...

The Phantom of the Gala has arrived...

To take my heart..."

A hauntingly striking voice answers from the darkness, resounding amongst the dim rafters of the chamber, giving it an almost ethereal quality. His voice is strong, deep and powerful.

"Dance once again with me...

Our strange ballet...

Your power over me...grows stronger yet...

And though you turn away...to glance behind...

The Phantom of the Gala hides away...

Behind the night…"

The mare sings out again, her own voice mixing elements of fear and fascination in equal measure as she calls out into the darkness. She turns her head, searching as her body twists about in elegant motions, turning her seeking into an elaborate ballet upon the marble floor.

"No one has seen your face...

Rumors have spread...

The mask you duly wear…"

"Holds back my shame…" The mysterious stallion answers, emerging from the darkness, his face clothed in a white mask. His sandy blond man hangs down over the top rim of the mask, and a pair of dun wings stretch out from a tuxedo that conceals most of his body. The two ponies begin singing in unison as they approach each other.

"Our spirts and our hearts in one combined!

The Phantom of the Gala/The Angel behind the mask is here...

To steal your/my heart."

Out of the darkness, dozens of waltzing couples emerge, each singing out in chorus as they turn about, their eyes fixed upon the stallion striding through their midst towards the lone mare at the stage's edge. They all sing out in a haunting echo.

"The Phantom of the Gala."

The mare finds her voice, her eyes fixing upon he who approaches.

"He's there! The Phantom of the Gala!"

The Phantom sings out, his voice both commanding and sultry as he calls to her.

"Dance, my angel!"

The mare begins to dance gently about, turning upon her hooftips. The Phantom calls out again, louder and more passionately.

"Dance, my angel!!"

She begins to turn sharply, then tapping along the floor with long, deft movements as she swirls about the dance floor.

"Dance, for me!"

The mare's face is upturned as she leaps and whirls, her body straining to keep up with the lust filled demands of her suitor.

"Dance, my angel!!"

She is barely keeping upon her toes now. She twists and dives at nearly impossible angles, her dress flowing out behind her like a flower caught in a hurricane. The Phantom calls out exultantly, his eyes shining as they fix upon her flawless performance.

"Dance, for me!!!"

Unable to keep her balance any longer, the mare loses her footing as she leaps, and falls back towards the floor. The Phantom leaps up, his wings stretching out as he flies up, catching the mare in outstretched hooves. She lays back dramatically across his firm forelegs as he stretches out his grand wings, leaning over to stare into her eyes. The lights cut out, then rise slowly again, revealing an empty stage.

The crowd rises swiftly to their feet and hooves, applauding wildly at the brilliant performance. Spike steps out onto the stage, clapping as well. "What a show! Thank you both for working so hard on that, and for the brilliant choreography! Do you two practice this often?"

Laugher greets Spike as he looks back, frowning when nopony emerges or answers him. "Oh well, I guess they were busy or something. Our next act will be Echo Night's Echo Jewel, performing Fairytale."

A shy brown pegasus mare with a blue mane steps out meekly. She almost stops and flees before the crowded room, but manages to summon her will and continue on. She steps up to the microphone, her whole body shivering slightly.

"Umm… h-hello everypony, my name is Echo and I don't sing much but, umm… I'll try my best…" The shy pony whispers into the mic, then breathes in. Overhead, a violin begins to send out a rapid thrum as a techno beat starts hammering rhythmically.

"Years ago,When I was younger...

I kinda liked a girl I knew...

She was mine, and we were sweethearts...

That was then, But then its true…"

"I'm in love with a fairytale,

Even though it hurts...

Cause I don't care if I lose my mind...

I'm already cursed."

"Every day we started fighting,

Every night we fell in love...

No one else could make me sadder,

But no one else could lift me high above…"

"I don't know what I was doing, when suddenly,

We fell apart...

Nowadays, I can not find her...

But when I do, we'll get a brand new start…"

"I'm in love with a fairytale,

even though it hurts...

Cause I don't care if I lose my mind...

I'm already cursed."

"Shes a fairytale…

Yeah...

even though it hurts...

Cause I don't care if I lose my mind...

Im already cursed."

The music quickly ends, sending the room into silence. It is quickly broken as ponies and bronies clap for Echo. She takes a modest bow.

"Umm… I hope you enjoyed it… goodbye…" She quickly retreats from the stage, disappearing behind the curtains.

"Alright! Thank you Echo!" Spike calls after her, then returns his attention to you all. "Our next act will be Axelmerc, and his OC, Axel! Let's welcome him in!"

The gray coated stallion wearing headphones about his neck emerges from backstage, jamming out a little to a techno beat that thrums overhead. The lights quickly shift gears, strobing and whirling in time with the beat as Axel steps up to the mic.

"Hey everypony I'm Axel otherwise known as 1337-P0N3. I've been playing video games for a couple years now and love seeing new people everywhere I go. I wanna thank everyone who got me the chance to be here. I wanna give a special thanks to Vinyl Scratch for inspiring me to perform here today I've always been a fan of her work. If I perform I hope to make y'all happy with my performance if not then I completely understand. Who Dares Wins!"

The lights begin pulsing faster as the music grows in volume. The stallion starts jamming in time with the beat as he sings out a rhythm.

"I need to stop worrying about things I can't control,

I need to stop worrying about the dollars I don't own,

I gotta stop worrying about the things I cannot know,

But sometimes it feels so good. Oh!"

"Money don't matter if it feels for you.

Money don't matter if you're, hah, hah, hah.

Money don't matter if it feels for you.

I used to worry everyday,

Now I got better things."

"Need to stop hurrying slow down and take control,

Gotta stop worrying about your problems you should know,

Need to stop feeling like my life is such a mess,

Because the world has got me in it,

It's my time and I should live it. Oh!"

"Money don't matter if it feels for you,

Money don't matter if you're hah, hah, hah.

Money don't matter if it feels for you,

I used to worry everyday,

Now I got better things."

"Cause it don't matter what the people say,

It don't matter what the people do,

Oh It don't matter what the people say,

Cause I say baby you gotta stop worryin'. Oh!"

"Money don't matter if it feels for you,

Money don't matter if you're hah, hah, hah.

Money don't matter if it feels for you,

I used to worry everyday,

Now I got better things."

Axel doesn't stop moving to the music, choosing instead to shimmy off behind the curtains as applause chases him from the crowd.

"Great job, Axel! It was awesome having you!" Spike steps up to the mic. "Our next contestant is Sound Wave's OC, going by the same name. He'll be performing Roller Coaster by Blink 182, so let's give him a big round of applause!"

Spike doesn't see the light blue pegasus stallion with a wild red and blue mane pushing a storm cloud up behind him. With a swift kick, the stallion sends a boom of thunder out of the cloud. He bursts out laughing as Spike jumps, his eyes going wide with surprise.

"Gaaah!" Looking up, Spike eyes the prankster irritably. "Well here he is folks. Grrshafrissh dumb storm cloud."

Smiling garrulously, the pegasus introduces himself. "Hey-hey Ponies and Bronies! Name's Sound Wave," he leans forward, his smile growing, "no I'm not a Decepticon, and I am excited to be here!! You're an awesome crowd! Woo! I'm not going to bore you with what I like or what I do in my free time but I would like to say that it'll be an honor to perform for all of you guys! Now without further ado, I hope you enjoy what I got!"

The projectors flare, revealing that an illusion covered a band of ponies behind him. They are each gripping rock band instruments, smiling confidently. With abrupt sharpness, the entire group starts jamming out as Sound Wave begins to sing.

"Breathing deeply, walking backwards,

Finding strength to call and ask her,

Roller coaster, favorite ride,

Let me kiss you one last time."

"Leave me standing here,

Act like I'm not around,

The coast will probably never clear,

Can I please go home now?"

"I had that dream,

About you again,

Where I wait outside,

Until you let me in,

And there I stayed."

"Lay beside me,

And listen at the wall,

We'll keep on lying,

Until the summer comes."

"I had that dream,

About you again,

Where you drive my car,

Right off a bucking cliff."

"And now I'm breathing deeply, walking backwards,

Finding strength to call and ask her,

Roller coaster, favorite ride,

Let me kiss you one last time."

"Make me promise,

That I will never tell,

All I remember is,

The way her bedroom smelled."

"I had that dream,

About you again,

Where I wait outside,

Until you let me in."

"And now I'm breathing deeply, walking backwards,

Finding strength to call and ask her,

Roller coaster, favorite ride,

Let me kiss you one last time,

Goodnight, goodnight."

Sound Wave trots over to the band, still jamming out as they all group up, parading off the stage. Lights flash everywhere as another wave of applause erupts from the audience. A few ponies and bronies continue rocking hard in their improvised mosh pit in front of the stage.

"Always good to get a crazy number in there once in a while." Spike grins, returning to the mic. "Our thirteenth entry is Ninjuto's Raining Fire, singing Baby Got Flank."

A scratch rhythm starts beating as Raining Fire struts out onto the stage, followed by Pinkie Pie and Rarity. All three jig to the rhythm as they approach the mic, the girls staying back and moving with the beat as the OC begins his number.

Rarity and Pinkie Pie grin playfully as they start shaking their flanks, strutting back and forth across the stage.

"I like big flanks and I cannot lie,

You other bronies can't deny,

That when a mare walks in and is struttin' that flank,

Wearin' Rarity's dress like a tank,
You get sprung, wanna pull up tough,
'Cause you noticed that plot was stuffed."

"Turnin' heads like Owlowiscious,"

"Hoo hoo!" The owl's hoots break into the song momentarily from above.

"Feelin' like Spike."

The little dragon peers out of the curtains with a cheeky grin, his eyes fixing on Rarity's rump. "So delicious!"  

"Oh baby, I wanna get with ya,

And take your picture,
My bronies tried to warn me,
But that flank you got makes,

makes me so…"

Raining Fire rears up, whinnying into the mic as the girls get down, shaking their cutie marks.

"Ooh, plot-o-smooth skin,

You say that you want a partay?"

Pinkie Pie rears up, "PAR-TAY!"

"Well okie, dokie,

'Cause you ain't that average lokie."
"I've seem the dancin',
To what DJ-PON3's blastin'.
She's charged, turnin' up the volts,
Livin' it large, Wonderbolts.

At that moment, two of the aerial team's female members, Spitfire and Fleetfoot, go racing overhead, their tails whipping back and forth playfully as they speed along.

"I'm tired of magazines,
Saying flat plots are the thing.
Take the average stallion and ask him that,
Pack that flank, Applejack!"

Big Macintosh peers out from behind the curtains. "Eeyup!"

"So fellas!

Yeah!

Fellas!

Yeah!

Has your waifu got da plot?

Hay yeah!
Tell 'em to shake it!

Shake it!

Shake it!

Shake it!  Shake that healthy plot!  Baby got flank!"

As the chorus line goes, stallions all poke their heads out from behind the curtains, yelling out responses to Raining Fire's song. Encouraged to tease, the girls turn around and give you a glimpse of their flanks full on, smiling teasingly at you.

"Baby got flank!"

"I like 'em round, and big,

And when I'm at Pinkie Pie's gig,

I just can't ground myself,

I'm bouncing all around ya,

Fourth wall don't matter.

Now we gonna trot home,
And…"

Raining fire rears, whinnying.

"Double up!"

He follows with a pair of whinnies.

"You got me talking in Equine,
'Cause baby your flank is oh so fine."

"I want 'em yellow, blue, or white,
And even pink and purple,

You mares got no trouble,

Movin' that Art of the Bubble.
So I'm lookin' at pony videos,
Bronies making these ponies look pro.

All 'em spoofs are incredible,

Some made even from the Hub and Hasbro."

"A word to the Mane 6 sisters,

come on and I'll bring ya,

To the Galloping Gala.
But don't get me wrong when I say it's,

Gonna be a night so long,

Celestia trollin' on,

The Gala's been making her yawn."

"It's gonna be your best night ever,

So, come on, stay and play,
'Cause I'm long, and I'm strong,
And like Rarity…"

Clearly enjoying herself, the classy mare leans up to the mic. She doesn't notice when Raining Fire takes a step back, his eyes drifting down onto her flank. Putting on her best angry face, Rarity sings into the microphone.

"It… is… ON!"

"So mares, if the plot is round,
And you want a Big Mac throwdown,

Dial 1-900-LLZALOT,

And buck them nasty thoughts.

Baby got flank!"

"Eyes all derpin', but she got much flank,
Might be a lez, but she got much flank."

Rainbow Dash glares out from behind the curtain. "Hey!"

"Trollestia be trollin, but she got much flank,

She prolly used magic to get that flank."

The song ends, though the beat continues as Raining Fire struts off the stage, still dancing. He is followed by Rarity and Pinkie Pie, who continue shaking their flanks as they disappear behind the stage left curtains.

Spike emerges, his eyes still trailing after Rarity, somewhere out of your sight. For a moment, he seems to forget that he is standing in front of you all.

"So much lovely flank…"

"Spike! Focus!" Twilight whispers sharply from backstage.

"Oh! Uh… right! Sorry about that folks!" Spike returns to reality with a snap, his cheeks reddening at the laughing crowd. "Our next entry is UnweptPegasus' OC, Lightning Flash! He'll be singing his own rendition of Everybody Loves Me by OneRepublic! Let's give him a round of applause!"

The gray pegasus stallion with a yellow and black mane, trailing a jagged yellow tail, steps out into the spotlights. He smiles confidently as he takes Spike's place at the mic. "What’s happenin’ bronies? You all sound like an awesome crowd tonight, and lemme tell you, it’s a pleasure just being up here, giving you guys one hoof of a show! I’ll be singing a song that’ll really get your heads bobbing. So let me hear you clap those hooves together and make some noise! LET’S KICK IT!"

The crowd begins to clap rhythmically with the thrum of the acoustic guitar. Lightning Flash begins singing as the holoprojectors create a long, wide corridor that seems to be moving away, fluorescent lights flashing down it's length.

"Uh yeah…

All hail Celestia on my backseat,

And her friends are gliding right beside me,

World wide from the Fillmaron to Turkey,

Open up, said everypony loves me."

"And you don't have to make a sound,

'Cause they got what you need, what you need."

"Got love for the people that have warned you,

But Cadance got no love for your virtue,

Eight bits for takers that'll break you,

Lay cards with the lovers that'll hate you."

"And you don’t have to make a sound,

‘Cause they got what you need, what you need."

"Make you say,

Oh my, feels just like I don't try,

Look so good I might die,

All I know is everypony loves me.

Head down, soaring to my own sound,

Lightning Flash is in your face now,

All I know is everypony loves me.

Everypony loves me."

"Well I pray the music, don't stop till I turn gray,

Stars forever like Princess Luna never fade,

An eclipse shroud the world in a different shade,

Hope I'm remembered for the things that I never made."

"'Cause you don't have to make a sound,

When I got what you need."

From behind him, a whole crowd of ponies march up the holographic corridor, their hooves clapping in time with the beat. They all sing out the chorus line in unison.

"Everypony loves me,

Everypony,

Everypony, oh."

Lightning Flash picks the song back up without missing a note, his own hooves beating out with the marchers.

"Don't need my health,

Got my name and got my wealth.

I stare at the sun,

Just for kicks all by myself.

I lose track of time,

But no way I’m past my prime,

But I'm feeling, oh so good,

Yeah."

"Oh my, feels just like I don't try,

Scratch the sky when I fly,

All I know is everypony loves me.

Heads up, swag on for my close-up,

Lightning Flash don’t take no scrubs,

Cause all I know is everypony loves me.

Everybody loves me.

Don't you know who I am?"

Waving out a salute, Lightning Flash grins out at you all. "Thanks for joining in. I'll see you around."

He disappears behind the curtain as the holoprojectors kick out, leaving Spike standing in the dark. He squints up at the control box, where Derpy is frantically pulling levers and pressing buttons.

After half a minute without power, the lights come back up, nearly blinding Spike. "Ah! Too bright! Turn them down!"

"Oops, sorry!" Derpy calls out over the intercom.

Spike grumbles something about being cross-eyed, then turns back to you. "Sorry about the delay, everypony. We'll get the show back on track! Our next and final performance will be by Epicpony2346's OC, Lucas. He'll be singing Somebody's Watching Me by Rockwell. Let's show him a proper Pony Variety Show! welcome!"

Applause greets the blue pegasus stallion as he glides up to center stage, his black and yellow mane catching the light of the spots in an odd break of colors.

"Hey everypony I'm Lucas. I've been making music for a while and enjoying archery, hence my nickname Arrow Note. The song I will be singing it a personal favorite of mine."

Overhead, a drumbeat mixes with synthesized sounds to form a beat as Lucas begins to sing. As he does, you see a holographic representation of him, wandering around a darkened house, going through the motions of the song. As he progresses however, ponies' faces keep popping up, peering through windows, around doors, or in other, much odder places.

"Who's watching,

Tell me, who's watching,

Who's watching me?"

"I'm just an average man,

With an average life,

I work from nine to five,

Hey, hoof, I pay the price.

All I want is to be left alone,

In my average home,

But why do I always feel,

Like I'm in the twilight zone?"

"And I always feel like,

Somebody's watching me,

And I have no privacy.

Whooooa-oh-oh!

I always feel like,

Somebody's watching me,

Tell me, is it just a dream."

"When I come home at night,

I bolt the door real tight.

People call me on the phone,

I'm trying to avoid.

But can the people on TV see me,

Or am I just paranoid?"

"When I'm in the shower,

I'm afraid to wash my hair,

'Cause I might open my eyes,

And find someone standing there.

People say I'm crazy,

Just a little touched,

But maybe showers remind me,

Of Psycho too much.

That's why,"

"I always feel like,

Somebody's watching me,

And I have no privacy.

Whooooa, oh-oh!

I always feel like,

Somebody's watching me.

Who's playin' tricks on me?"

The music goes into an interlude, showing Lucas wandering through the halls, his eyes darting back and forth. Every once in a while, he spots somepony staring at him. His eyes grow wider and wider as he trots quickly through the house. Finally overwhelmed, he rushes to the front door, swings it open, and stops.

There, barring his passage, a tall, slender pony with a blank white face wearing a black suit stands. In response, Lucas slams the door shut, dashes up the stairs, and into his bedroom. He crouches underneath his bed, with blankets pulled tight around his body. He doesn't see the half-dozen pairs of eyes staring at him from the darkness that encompasses him.

"Who's watching me?

I don't know anymore.

Are the neighbors watching me?

Who's watching?

Well, is the mailman watching me?

Tell me, who's watching.

And I don't feel safe anymore,

Oh, what a mess,

I wonder who's watching me now,

Who,

The IRS?"

"I always feel like,

Somebody's watching me,

And I have no privacy.

Whooooa, oh-oh!

I always feel like,

Somebody's watching me,

Tell me, is it just a dream."

"I always feel like,

Somebody's watching me,

And I have no privacy.

Whooooa, oh-oh!"

"I always feel like,

Somebody's watching me.

Who's playin' tricks on me?

Who's watching me?

I always feel like,

Somebody's watching me.

Oooooooh!

Whooooa-oh-oh!"

"I always feel like,

Somebody's watching me.

So? Who can it be?

Who's watching me?

I always feel like,

Somebody's watching me.

Whooooa-oh-oh!"

"I always feel like,

Somebody's watching me.

Who's playing tricks on me?

Who's watching me?

I always feel like,

Somebody's watching me.

Can I have my privacy?

Whooooa-oh-oh!"

"I always feel like,

Somebody's watching me.

Who's playing tricks on me?"

"Maybe he wouldn't feel like anypony was watching him if he weren't putting on a stage show." Pinkie Pie answers the song from her seat next to you. You feel your heart skip a beat with surprise.

"Want some popcorn?" She asks, holding out a bag of half eaten popcorn to you.

After taking what you want, you find yourself looking back at her. She turns one eye at you, then looks over. "Yes, is there something you wanted to talk to me about?"

* * *

There seems to be some kind of commotion going on backstage. Stage hands are rushing out behind the curtains, collecting things and cleaning up the area. For a moment, you consider getting up and using the restroom, or retrieving some more snacks, when movement on the stage catches your eye.

Bluenose and Yellowbelly, the prankster changelings, creep out onto the stage, pushing a speaker. With one ceremonious gesture, Bluenose plops a speaker wire into the input, causing the audio system to come to life.

"-is a disaster!" You hear Twilight, who is clearly freaking out, say. "The show is running overtime, the Muppet Labs sketch is a mess, I don't know where Spike has gotten off to, and the holoprojectors are on the fritz! Can this day get any worse!?"

"Calm down there, Sugarcube." Applejack says, trying to ease the stress that has taken hold of Twilight. "We'll jus' skip the segment, an' let the audience see what them pranksters 'ave dug up."

"No! I'm not even sure how they got that footage, let alone think it appropriate to put up on the show! I mean, you do remember what happened, right?" Twilight practically yells.

"Ah… well… ah was tryin' not ta remember, but now that ya mention it, that whole situation was kinda creepy." Applejack replies hesitantly.

"What're we talking about?" Pinkie Pie's bubbly voice cuts in.

"Oh, hi Pinkie. We were just discussing the footage from that one trip we took with Dr. Whooves. You remember, the one where we accidentally ended up in the Rule 34 version of our world," Twilight explains.

"Oh yeah, I remember that," Pinkie answers. "There was that creepy version of me with the long rubber socks, who asked us if we wanted to bake something sweet in our ovens. She was kinda weird."

"Ugh… don't remind us… That Kinkie Pie was one pony ah'd like ta ferget. Besides, ah don't think she was talkin' 'bout a normal oven." Applejack's voice shudders.

"Wait, are you all talking about what I think you're talking about?" Rainbow Dash's voice interjects from further away. The voice grows closer and closer as she speaks. "Why would you ever talk about that place!? I mean, every filly and mare was chasing me around! Even I was chasing me around! It was waaay too creepy!"

"If you all agree, I think it's better if we simply get rid of this footage. I wouldn't want anypony seeing that Princess Molestia, ever," Twilight exclaims!

The girls all shudder.

"Ah agree, Twi. That Princess Molestia was one piece o' work ah never wanna lay eyes on again. What she did ta poor Rarity should nev'r see th' light o' day."

"Yeah, we wouldn't want anypony to get scared off by that big, meanie, mean pants. Go on, Twilight, get rid of it," Pinkie adds.

"Very well, I'll make sure this tape is destroyed, so that nopony can be hurt by it ever again," Twilight agrees.

"Perhaps you could use a hoof, to rid yourselves of such ill gotten proof." Zecora's voice suddenly sounds out.

"Oh, Zecora, you startled me. We were just going to get rid of this tape." Twilight breathes in surprise.

"If you wish for me to make sure it's gone, just give it to me, and I will make sure the deed is done. Such dark things should not see light of day, I will make certain that this goes away," Zecora offers.

"Thank you, Zecora. We would appreciate it if you would. There's no telling what could happen if this ever got out," Twilight sighs with relief.

You hear the clatter of hooves on wood as the girls go about their task. For a moment, it seems that all is done, but the changelings continue their chuckling. There is a whoosh, like the sound of fire burning something up, then a laugh.

"Hahahahah… Suckers," Queen Chrysalis' voice laughs.

"Keekekekeekeekee!" The changelings join in as they pull the speaker away.

* * *

Twilight emerges from backstage, looking a little flustered. "Hello everypony, I'm sorry for the delay. We have decided to cut off our other segments for the sake of time, and will only be reading fanmail this week."

A letter levitates magically up to her as the other girls emerge, stepping up beside her, followed by a dizzy looking Spike. "Our question for today comes from… from…" Twilight begins flipping the letter over, examining it thoroughly.

"Auugh! Writer, you lost the name of the submitter again!? This is becoming a really bad habit for you," Twilight groans! She fixes her eyes on the control box, allowing her displeased expression to show full on her face.

She takes a deep breath, then looks out at you again. "Sorry for that, everypony. He has been such a scatterbrain lately. He'd probably lose his head if it weren't attached to his neck."

"Anyway, the questioner asks what our life philosophies are." Twilight blinks for a moment. "Wow, that's a really deep question, I guess I haven't thought about it in a while."

"For me, I guess it's that there is always something worth learning. No matter what I know, or how much I study, there is another book I haven't read, another experience I haven't had. So my philosophy would be to keep on learning, in hopes that I can truly know the answers when somepony needs me," Twilight responds. Her eyes grow thoughtful as she passes the letter off to Applejack.

"Ah've always believed that hard work pays off. No matter what'cha do in life, or where ya go, ponies will always respect ya if you're a hard worker who nev'r stops tryin'," Applejack answers with a smile. She holds the letter out to Fluttershy, who takes it demurely in her hooves.

"Um… I don't really have a philosophy. Well… I sort of do… it's more of a belief really. There's so much hurting in the world, pain and suffering, that I want to make better. So I do my best every day to love and care for others."

Smiling shyly, she hands the paper over to Rainbow Dash, who takes it. The blue pegasus examines the sheet for a moment, then grins. "You wanna know my philosophy? Fly fast and party hard! There's no better way to live than to enjoy yourself and shoot for your dreams!"

Rainbow looks up towards the ceiling, as if seeing the clear skies beyond. Her eyes sparkle with the burning desire to see all of her hopes and dreams come true. Looking back down, she holds out the note to Pinkie Pie, who accepts it.

"My dreams are easy. Everypony knows that I live to see everypony smile! I even wrote a song about it! Do ya wanna hear it," Pinkie asks?

"Not right now, Pinkie. Maybe later," Rarity replies as she retrieves the note. "As for me, I believe in the self-made mare. A lady should be at her very best, showing the world that she can be independent, strong, and able to handle herself. After all, I made my business with my own two hooves, and now my work can even be seen on Canterlot high society. One must believe in herself, and show the world what she's made of."

She hands the note over to Spike, who takes it almost reverently. "For me? You want me to answer too!"

"Of course, darling. You are part of the show too, after all," Rarity answers.

"Oh wow, thank you all!" Spike thanks his friends as they smile at him. "Well, my life philosophy is, uh… I don't know. I mean, I've lived my life always sticking by Twilight. After all we've been through together, I guess that sticking by your friends, no matter what would be all I can think of."

"A great lesson to learn," Twilight answers. She turns back to face all of you. "Well, that's our show, everypony! Thank you for coming by, and we hope to see you next time on…"

"The Pony Variety Show!" They all chorus together with a laugh.

* * *

As you rise from your seat, you seem to hear Pinkie Pie talking inside your head. "We here at the Pony Variety Show! would like to thank our Contributors for their contributions. Our writing staff includes Lillyfoot15 and PorcuMoose from DeviantArt, tacotel, Captain Literal, KartalTheWriter, and TheAssumingMage from FiMFiction. We also want to give a special thanks to codejunkie, Hellpony, Tragicom, RLYoshi, Cornlover, Krushnazag, DJPyro3, Echo Night, Axelmerc, Sound Wave, Ninjuto, UnweptPegasus, and Epicpony2346 for their contributions to the Pony Variety Show! Singoff."

You step out of the showroom, and into the lobby. Pinkie Pie is waiting at her stand, a huge smile on her face as hordes of hungry bronies come up for one last snack. "Order up!"

Across the room, you see the CMC request stand, where the three little fillies wait for your requests. They give you big, cheerful grins, their hooves pressed together in eager anticipation as you step up to share your ideas for future shows.

Next to them is the official ballot box for the election. Over the top of it, the sign reads as follows:

Rules:
Only one vote per pony or brony.
Submit the filled out form with your vote by copying and pasting the form, then submitting it via private message.
Insert it into the ballot box for validation.
Votes will be counted until August 31st. The Winner will be announced on the following Pony Variety Show!

Below that are the forms:

Name (Username):
Candidate Voted For:

The candidates are:
Princesses Celestia and Cadence

Princess Luna and Discord

Queen Chrysalis and Pinkie Pie

Flim and Flam

The Great and Powerful Trixie (and Darkened Flame)

Iron Will and Bon Bon

Captain Literal

After finishing there, you pass by the next booth, where you can vote for your favorite performance in the Pony Variety Show! Singoff!

Rules:
Only one form per pony or brony.
Vote for your favorite acts, giving them first, second, and third place, in that order. Only one song per place.
Submit the filled out form with your vote by copying and pasting the form, then submitting it via private message.
Insert it into the voting box for validation.
Votes will be counted until August 3rd. The Winners will be announced on the following Pony Variety Show!

Name (Username):
First Place:
Second Place:
Third Place:

The acts are:
codejunkie's Freezing Cold, singing Drunk by Ed Sheeran

Captain Literal's Captain Literal, singing Cap's Rap by Captain Literal

Hellpony's Infernus, singing Civil War by Guns'n'Roses

TheAssumingMage's Triverus Mage, singing Hardware Store by Weird Al

Tragicom's Tragicom, singing I am the Very Model of a My Little Pony OC (Modern Major General) by Gilbert and Sullivan

RLYoshi's Arrell, singing Dashie by Nameless Warning

Cornlover's River Water, singing Down to the River to Pray by Alison Krauss

Krushnazag's Winding Gearshift, singing The Music of the Night by Andrew Lloyd Webber

DJ Pyro3's Facade Quillmane and Etero, singing Phantom of the Opera by Andrew Lloyd Webber

Echo Night's Echo Jewel, singing Fairytale by Nightcore

Axelmerc's Axel, singing Money by Mystery Skulls

Sound Wave's Sound Wave, singing Roller Coaster by Blink 182

Ninjuto's Raining Fire, singing Baby Got Flank by I Bring Da LULZ

UnweptPegasus' Lightning Flash, singing Everybody Loves Me by OneRepublic

Epicpony2346's Lucas, singing Somebody's Watching Me by Rockwell

You finally get your votes set up, and pass by to escape the cascading riot of ponies and bronies. Outside the mob slowly disperses as everypony shares their thoughts on today's Pony Variety Show!

Episode 9

The Pony Variety Show!

The crowd jostles and presses as they approach the big theatre doors, struggling to get into the already choked entryway. Sitting atop the awning that leads into the building, Discord leans back, chuckling uproariously as he watches. He is holding a giant popcorn kernel, pulling paper bags out of it and eating them.

"Mahahahahaha! Wonderful! There's nothing like watching people get all worked up just to watch a show! Ooh, look at that! What do you get when two bronies get rough with Cherry Jubilee? Two kicks in the cobbler! Hehehahahaha!"

You manage to squeeze through the press of ponies and bronies, infiltrating the building after a fierce struggle against some lumbering mass of muscle that insisted today was the day he'd get to hug Fluttershy. Passing by the currently unoccupied election and suggestion booths, you get to a massive jumble of people that stand between you and the snack cart.

Delightfully delectable aromas stream sumptuously from the steaming oven, where beautifully baked goods temptingly tease your senses as they bubble and warm. The goodness of the treats seems to have a similar effect upon the rest of the hungry theatre goers, who struggle to get to the front of the line.

"Hold yer horses, ev'rypony! We're gettin' to 'em as fast as we can," Applejack hollers! She dashes from oven to crowd, delivering piping hot treats to the waiting ponies and bronies.

"Order up," Pinkie Pie calls, tossing several desserts into the audience, who scramble to grab them up! "My, the mob is hungry today!"

"Less talkin', more bakin', Pinkie! Ah can't hold 'em off forever!"

"Okie dokie!"

You finally manage to snatch some treats, then work your way down into the theatre proper, where the crowd slowly grows thinner as they find their seats amidst the dim lights of the theatre hall. Squeezing past a half-dozen seated individuals, you finally plop down wearily into an unoccupied chair.

Twilight Sparkle emerges from behind the thick, red curtains, a microphone floating along with her as she steps up. "Hello everypony! Welcome to the Pony Variety Show! Since Spike is going to be a big part of today's show, I've volunteered to fill in as host!"

Spike peers out from behind the curtain, stage whispering to you all with a claw hiding his mouth from Twilight. "She lost a bet, and now she has to do my chores for a week!"

"Ahem! Do you mind," Twilight interrupts, making more of a statement than asking a question. "For today's show, we decided to answer all of the fanmail we've been receiving, just for you! Now, let's hear a big round of applause for the PVS! Singing crew!"

The curtain sweeps aside, revealing Derpy Whooves, who is wearing a tuxedo, a top hat, and carrying a gold knobbed cane. She promptly begins doing the can-can, singing cheerfully off-key as she attempts the entire performance by herself.

"Oh welcome to the snow-snow-snow!

Let's get oars and row-row-row!

You bogeys eat a pear-pear-pear,

It's our tights to scare-scare-scare!

What's- Hey, is that a muffin!?"

Derpy abruptly breaks off in mid-song, lunging from the stage at an unfortunate, muffin-eating brony. Twilight, who was busy facehoofing, looks up in alarm as their only stage singer accosts the audience.

"Derpy Whooves! Leave that poor brony alone! You're supposed to be singing! Where are the rest of the singers, anyway," Twilight rages!?

Spike makes another return, a sheepish grin on his face. "Well, apparently you signed some kind of agreement to give them the week off. I heard it had something to do with you being half-conscious, lots of vanilla ice cream, a telephone pole, and an indoor hurricane. Don't ask me how it happened, I was napping!"

A sturdy brown earth pony comes trotting into the audience, apprehending the rogue mare, then departs, carrying her over his burly shoulder. Derpy squirms and thrashes, still reaching for the brony's muffin.

"Noooo! Muffiny goodness!"

"Aheheheh… let's just get back to the show," Twilight mumbles, her expression flushed with embarrassment.

The curtains sweep open, revealing the other girls and Spike, standing before the otherwise unadorned stage. They all step forward, with Spike carrying a fanmail bag upon his back.

"Howdy y'all! How's about them desserts," Applejack asks? She puts a hoof to her ear, grinning as the audience cheers for Pinkie Pie and her snack cart food.

"Heh, they're all a bunch of tarts," Geri Fore grumbles from his seat in the private booth.

"What? The snack food? Of course they are," Mr. Waddle replies, grinning.

"No, not the food, the audience," Geri replies!

"Dohohohohoho!"

Your attention is returned to the stage by Spike, who opens one of the letters. Coughing importantly into his hand, the little dragon begins to read. "Our first question reads, 'What would you be doing if you weren't working your usual jobs, or on the Pony Variety Show!?' Hmm… who'd care to tackle this one first?"

He looks over at the girls, who all seem lost in thought for a moment. Rainbow Dash answers first. "Even if I wasn't going for the Wonderbolts, I'd still want to be either doing stunts, or talking about them! Maybe I could even be a sports commentator! I can see it now!"

Even as Rainbow Dash speaks, the holoprojector creates a vast stadium, with the girls all standing in the commentator booth. Down below, two teams of ball players are lining up on the playing field. Rainbow Dash goes over to the mic, picking it up.

"Boy we've had a good game today! The Manehattan Mustangs have really put the heat on the Phillydelphia Prancers! That last drive has put the Mustangs two scores over the Prancers, and number forty-two, Canterburl is in top form! Wait! Hold your horses! Hailmary has just thrown a hail mary! Right Winger has the ball! He's on the thirty, the twenty, the ten! Touchdown Prancers! It looks like Right Winger has brought the Prancers back in this game, folks!"

The hologram fades as Rainbow's eyes shine, lost in her own daydream. Rarity shakes her head, a haughty expression crossing her face. "Hardly a proper occupation. Now home decor, there's a line of work a girl could get behind."

A new background floods over the stage, a high, vaulted ceiling, tall windows, and elegant furnishing. "If I had to give up my beautiful dresses, then at least I could make homes, businesses, and places of public office look absolutely dazzling! I would lace fine curtains, select furnishings to add just the right touch, and design lighting that would make the entire room look fabulous! Now that is a proper career, Rainbow Dash."

"Hey, sports are a perfectly good career! It would pay way more than your silly couches!"

"Oh, why I never! A proper settee or love seat should never be taken to such a lowly description as the common couch! You are so unsophisticated," Rarity retorts. The two ponies look like they are going to keep arguing, when they are cut off by Fluttershy, of all ponies. She steps up between them, separating the irate pair.

"Um… If you don't mind, I'd like to talk about what I'd want to do," she puts in.

"Of course, dear. Go right on ahead," Rarity replies generously.

"Meh, whatever! I'm gonna go see what's on the sports channel. Call me when you guys need me again." Rainbow Dash glides off into the back, leaving a frustrated Twilight Sparkle staring after her.

"So… as much as I like caring for my animals, I have always sort of like sewing. I wouldn't mind working with Rarity as a clothing designer, or maybe even a design consultant, where I wouldn't have to be involved, but I could still help with all of the beautiful outfits. That would be so much more wonderful than trying to be a model."

"Heehee, I think you'd be really good at that, Fluttershy," Pinkie Pie pipes up. "You know what you'd be even better at?"

"What is that, Pinkie?"

"Counseling! I mean think about it. Having ponies come to you with their problems, then helping them to make the problems go away. You'd be great at it!"

"Well… I suppose so. I do like helping ponies," Fluttershy answers.

Pinkie Pie wraps a hoof over Fluttershy's shoulders. "I know you do, and you'd be good at it! Now me, I'd really like to be a party planner, or an entertainer!"

"Uh, Pinkie, don't you already do that," Twilight asks, raising an eyebrow at her friend?

"Sure, but I don't do it as a job yet! I would love to go all over Equestria, bringing smiles and cheer to everypony! It would be the bestest best job ever!"

"I suppose it would be a good job for you," Twilight answers. "Personally, I'd like to be a teacher. Helping young ponies to find their way would be quite rewarding. How about you, Applejack?"

"Well shucks! Ah nev'r gave a lot o' thought to it. Ah suppose ah might take up baking, y'know, makin' treats an' stuff. The problem is, ah've used just about ev'ry skill ah got in the biz at some point er other. Ah'm a hard worker though, so ah suppose ah could do just about anythin' given the proper motivation."

"Thanks for the fanmail everypony! We'll talk to you again, after the break," Twilight announces with a smile!

* * *

The curtains close as stagehands bustle about to set up something behind their thick red folds. It takes just long enough for you to set out on a restroom break and return for the work to be completed. Sliding aside, the shielding curtains reveal a newsroom, complete with monitors covering the back wall, and ponies bustling about everywhere, doing their best to look officious and busy. Sitting at the news desk, Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle all look out at you, serious expressions on their faces.

"Welcome back to the Cutie Mark News Network, your source for the Ruler of Everything and PVS! Singoff election news," Sweetie Belle says, her expression remaining neutral.

"Today's top stories are the ongoing election debate, and the final voting for the Singoff results," Scootaloo says. She turns to Apple Bloom, a smile growing on her face. "So Applebloom, how is the big election poll going?"

Apple Bloom in turn gestures to a monitor, where the electoral parties' heads are displayed, with colored lines extending out next to them. "As ya can clearly see, the election's a close one, with Princess Luna holdin' on to a short lead over her sis at 43.4% of the votes. Celestia is a lil ways back, at 30.4%, an' the surprise upset of Cap'n Literal runnin' in third at 17.4%. Queen Chrysalis an' Iron Will trail at 4.4% each, with Trixie, Flim, an' Flam draggin' behind with no votes."

"It looks like fan favorite Princess Luna will take this election unless there's a big upset!" Sweetie Belle looks over at her fellow newscasters. "There's still three weeks left in the voting. Anything could happen!"

Scootaloo takes up the conversation next, reporting on the finals of the Singoff. "We've tallied the votes, folks, finding out which singers you said were the best of the litter, and here's the answer!" She pulls out a notecard, looking over it before glancing up, a smile on her face.

"In third place, we have Tragicom's Tragicom, singing 'I am the Very Model of a My Little Pony OC'! Way to go, you did a great job on that one!" Scootaloo grins, and up in the front row, Tragicom stands, takes a polite bow in response to the clapping ponies and bronies, then returns to his seat.

"Our second place has a tie! It seems that TheAssumingMage's Triverus Mage and Cornlover's River Water both received the same point vote! Congratulations to you both for taking second!"

Triverus Mage nods, while the usually shy two horned unicorn, River Water bounds up and down cheering gleefully. Applause thunders for the victorious pair, then dies down as a drumroll begins to play over the sound system.

"And now, the moment you've all been waiting for, the big winner, with nearly double the votes of anypony else… it's Ninjuto's Raining Fire, singing 'Baby Got Flank!' Congratulations Raining Fire! You're our big winner today!" Thunderous applause greets the grinning earth pony as he waves his hooves in the air victoriously.

As things finally settle down again, Sweetie Belle makes the final competition announcement. "We would also like to make an honorable mention of Captain Literal, who got more one point votes than any other pony in the competition! Thank you Captain!"

The rambunctious pegasus lifts a hoof in victory, unable to move the rest of his body, however, from the heavy casts that still encumber him from last week's disaster.

"This has been a special r'port with your hosts, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, an' Apple Bloom." The earth pony filly announces.

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADER NEWSCASTERS, SIGNING OFF!"

With that, the curtain falls again.

* * *

The girls return to the stage, this time with a few other ponies in tow. The first is an off-blue unicorn stallion, his horn little more than a stub sticking up through a messy red mane. Next to him, the massive brown stallion from earlier stands as if chiseled out of stone. He has a blond mane and is marked with the scars of old battles. The last one is a tan earth pony mare with a riotous red, yellow, and brown mane. She snorts reluctantly as Rainbow Dash nudges her up with the others.

Twilight taps the mic, then introduces the newcomers. "We've decided that in the interest of sharing everypony's thoughts, and not just the ponies you know, please welcome some of our stage crew and security. First, I'd like to introduce you to Boldheart, head of backstage organization and safety."

The blue OC, clearly unaccustomed to standing onstage gives an embarrassed grin, taking a slow bow at the scattered applause. He speaks up reluctantly. "Thank you everypony. I'm glad to be here."

"Next, our very own head of security, Sergeant Ramrod," Twilight announces. The burly Guard pony nods in response, his expression entirely unchanged.

"Finally, we have our rigger and stage rope expert, Zann." Twilight gestures to the third member of the party, who squints at her slightly. She squints out at you, apparently irritated with the bright lights and attention.

"Can I go backstage yet," the mare asks?

"Ahahaha… oh don't be silly. You should at the very least answer one question," Twilight tries to encourage.

"If I have to."

"That's better. Spike, could you read the question for us?"

"Sure thing," the little reptile answers with a grin. "The question is, 'what is your zombie plan?' Huh, that's a strange one. What's a zombie plan, Twilight?"

"Hahaha! Well, I know who's dying first when the zombies come," Rainbow Dash laughs! "It's your plan for how to deal with zombies when the zombie apocalypse happens, just like in Daring Do and the Night of the Dead! Everypony should have a zombie plan!"

"Oh, were we supposed to have one? I may have forgot…" Fluttershy remarks hesitantly.

"Well, there's two casualties! Anypony else have no plan whatsoever," Rainbow Dash questions?

"If you're so smart, what's your plan?" Rarity squints at her, apparently annoyed by the teasing pegasus.

"As it just so happens, I've got a foal-proof zombie plan! Not only do I have a home that can only be reached by flying, I'm also equipped with loads of snacks, just in case I have to keep myself holed up for long periods of time! Nopony'll catch me being unprepared for zombies!"

"That is your foal-proof plan? Honestly, that hardly counts as preparing," Rarity chides.

"Oh, and your plan is so much better?"

"Actually, I don't believe in zombies. They are little more than nonsense and superstition. Of course, if they did show up and stained my dresses, I'd RIP them to SHREDS!"

The other ponies all take a step back in surprise, save for Sgt. Ramrod, who merely lifts an eyebrow at the mare's outburst.

"Uh, okay. So how about the rest of you. Does anypony else have a zombie plan," Twilight asks?

"Sure," Pinkie Pie pipes up! "I've got chainsaws stashed all over Ponyville, in case of chainsaw emergency! They're even better than normal chainsaws though, because I used napalm as lubricant. That way, I can set them on fire and cut them into little bitty bits at the same time!"

Even Sgt. Ramrod moves a little further away from Pinkie at her cheerful description of garden tool use. "That may not be the best thing to tell others, Pinkie," the Sergeant explains, his voice almost fatherly.

"Why is that? Ooh… I forgot that we're not trying to scare anypony. So, uh, no… I don't have any kind of zombie plan." Pinkie smiles, doing her best to look convincing.

"So anyways, mah zombie plan is ta hole up in our cellar at Sweet Apple Acres, with loads of apples, some guns, pitchforks, an' a whole lot o' wagons fer barricades," Applejack explains, smiling proudly at her plan.

"That's your plan, AJ? Bahahaha! You've been watching too much 'Walking Dead', haven't you!?" Rainbow Dash drops over laughing, bringing a frown to her friend's face.

"It's a whole lot better'n yours, Rainbow! All ya've got fer yerself is a lil cloud house an' some snacks. At least we got proper gear."

"Pssh! Gear is overrated." Rainbow Dash waves a hoof at her. "What do I need gear for when they can't even reach me?"

"What if they're flyin' zombies?" Applejack grins competitively.

"Uh… there's no such thing! You're just making stuff up," Rainbow Dash replies, too proud to let herself lose the argument.

"No ah'm not! There might be pegasus ponies who're zombies," Applejack replies! The two ponies go nose to nose, gritting their teeth.

"Alright, that's enough out of both of you." Sgt. Ramrod interposes himself between them. "I'll share my plan, if it gets you two to stop. If I were to deal with such an apocalypse, my recourse could be to find the most immediate secure location, such as a reinforced basement, concrete building, or other defensible structure, seal off it's entrances thoroughly, then make sorties out to collect weapons and supplies. I can not depend on being in a safe place, so I must be prepared to create one wherever the event may be."

"A well thought out plan, thank you Sergeant," Twilight Sparkle exclaims with a smile. "I likewise have a well organized plan for how to deal with the zombie apocalypse."

The lavender unicorn draws out a thick bundle of maps and a long, rolled up list that she was somehow carrying with her. "I started by mapping out all of the safest, most secure locations in Ponyville, Canterlot, Manehattan, Las Pegasus, Phillydelphia, and several minor towns as well. Then I proceeded to set up this one-thousand four-hundred and ninety-two item checklist of objectives that must be successfully procured, achieved, or targeted for the duration of the apocalypse. I also prepared an addendum for capturing zombies for study and possible reversal of whatever virus, disaster, or curse could have conceivably created the malignant malady in the first place. This way, I will not only survive the apocalypse, I very well may become it's hero!"

"Wait," Rainbow Dash interrupts. "You're actually planning on bringing zombies into your security? Well that settles that, you're a zombie bait scientist."

"Rainbow Dash, I'm sure I can handle one or two little zombies."

"That's what all the egghead science types say." Rainbow Dash shakes her head. "They're always the ones who nearly doom us all."

Twilight rolls her eyes, then turns to the two remaining ponies for their opinions. "Okay, how about you, Boldheart?"

"Well, it seems to me that we have to be a little more concerned with fixing the problem, and less about caring only for ourselves. I would probably go with somepony else who's prepared, find a way to get all of the survivors in touch with each other, then coordinate an effective effort to locate the source of the problem, and get rid of it."

"So you're one of those hopeless idealist types! I'll chalk you up to zombie food too," Rainbow Dash teases.

"Are you quite done, Rainbow?" Twilight snorts.

"Who me? Nah, I'm just getting warmed up."

"Well, if you ask me, there's only one way to deal with zombies," The quiet Zanny speaks up, baring some unnaturally sharpened fangs in a chilling grin. "I've been stocking guns, ammunition, food supplies, and other necessities for years. My home is guarded by land mines, and can be sealed off from the rest of the outside world indefinitely."

"Now that's what I call a zombie plan! Brohoof!" Rainbow Dash steps up, beating her hoof against Zanny's. The others, even more disturbed by the strange stagehand's response than the others' ideas, back up a couple of nervous paces, save for Ramrod, who nods in approval.

"Well… luckily I don't think we're gonna have to deal with any zombie apocalypses-" Twilight is interrupted by a mute, quivering Fluttershy. "What is it? What's-"

Twilight's mouth drops open in horror as her eyes fix on the source of Fluttershy's distress. From backstage, a packed crowd of stagehands stumble forward, chunks of flesh missing all over them as they moan, advancing in a relentless wave.

Reaching behind one of the curtains, Pinkie Pie pulls out a chainsaw, which she promptly ignites with a lighter. "Party time!"

* * *

One short, Discord induced zombie apocalypse later, you get back to your seat, which seems to have been cut in two and sewn back together with bubblegum. The number of audience members have thinned out, both from fake zombie infections and those who were simply too scared to return.

Up in their private box, the Mr. Waddle and Geri Fore look down over the mess, each holding a golf club.

"I think they're all gone," Mr. Waddle says.

"Is that a zombie joke," Geri asks?

"Nope, but if they were half gone it would be!"

"Dohohohohoho!"

Up on the stage, Twilight tries to reorganize the show, getting stage hands to repair rents in the curtains, plug up bullet holes in the woodwork, and wipe up all of the blood. With an exasperated sigh, she looks up at the control box. "Can we get a commercial while we try to sort this out?"

"Sure thing, boss," Somepony responds from high above.

The holoprojectors activate, covering the entire stage in an illusion as the crew toils to repair the damage.

* * *

The paired grins of Flim and Flam emerge from behind the curtains to the left, their horns glowing as they feed power to a mobile display cart, upon which rest several hoof sized containers. Each one bears the cutie mark of Twilight, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie, with matching colors to the famous ponies.

"Hello brony community! Are you familiar with deodorant? Apparently not," Flim exclaims! "In fact, judging by the smell in here, this room's a stable!"

Much of the audience starts looking around with raised eyebrows at the remark. "You do know this room is half full of ponies, right?"

"Of course we do, and it still stinks," Flam answers. "That's why we've created this very special product, just for you bronies!"

"Please allow us to introduce you to our Perspiration Pounding Pony Poignant Flim Flam Brothers Deodorant!" Flim throws out a hoof, displaying the product, which glistens and shimmers with TV-like effects. "This great deodorant is specially scented to smell like your favorite pony!"

Flam scoops up the apple marked container, and promptly imitates rubbing it under his right foreleg. "Ever wanted to spread a little Applejack Apple into that armpit?" He quickly switches containers. "Or how about rubbing some Radiant Rarity Vanilla up under those arms?"

"And who doesn't want to put Pinkie Pie Popping Pepper Bubblegum in those pits?" Flim takes up after his brother, running the pink container under his own arm.

Off to one side of the stage, Applejack and Rarity stand there, their mouths agape at the embarrassing display. Pinkie Pie, however, is having no such problems, and is lying on the floor, laughing until she snorts like a pig. Her eyes pop comically with her snorting giggle, causing several audience members to chuckle along with her.

Rarity, having had enough of the display, turns the the recently arrived Twilight Sparkle, voicing her complaint in a rather whiny manner. "Twilight, will you please stop them!? It's just revolting!"

Twilight grins awkwardly at her friends. "Well, they did pay for the time, and I gotta admit, it is kinda funn-"

She cuts herself off when Flim picks up the Twilight themed container. He pops it open, glancing at the lavender unicorn with raised eyebrows.

"What is he… no! Eww!" Twilight's distress is made clear when he licks the deodorant, which looks quite a bit like her coat, then starts rubbing it slowly up his armpit.

"Okay, that's it! Show's over." Twilight's voice hits a flat note as she lights her horn, dropping the curtain squarely upon the two salesponies.

Flim and Flam squirm and thrash as they make an undignified retreat with their new product. Flam can't resist a final comment, however, and pops his head through the curtains. "Be sure to check out our booth when you exit! We've got loads of product, just waiting for you!"

With that, the troublesome duo retreats, and the show goes onward.

* * *

Rarity and Chrysalis emerge from behind the curtains next, each with a message floating with them. The changeling Queen holds back while her snowy counterpart steps up to the mic.

"Hello everypony, as you all know, I'm Ms. Rarity, and today I've gotten a question from a fan about relationships."

Her horn glows in a soft, blue light, opening the letter. She clears her throat. "Brony Rainbow Dash came to me a while back and asked, 'What do you when you can't get the colt or filly of your dreams and you find yourself just not enough?' Today I'd like to answer that, not just for him, but for all of you out there who have struggled in relationships."

"First, you need to be confident. If all you do is stammer and stare, you're more likely to make them feel awkward than get their attention. Hold your chin up, speak clearly, and don't be afraid to just talk to them. As romantic as confessing your feelings might seem, it's often better to just have a talk."

Rarity walks the breadth of the stage continuing her explanation as she does. "Second, let him or her know how you feel, but don't make it into a scene. You should never be shy about expressing your feelings, so long as you don't let them get the better of you."

"Finally, if things don't go the way you want, just give it time. If you really love somepony, you must be willing to wait for them, and even give them up if they don't want you the same way. Relationships have a funny way of making ponies lose their heads, and sometimes, the thing you thought you loved about somepony doesn't end up being what you thought it was. Patience is not only a virtue, but a sign that you love someone enough to wait for them."

"I hope this answers your question, dear. I wish you all the best of luck in love, and will gladly talk to you more about it if you need some relationship advice." She steps back allowing Chrysalis to take the stage.

The changeling snuffs irritably. "I have only come here because I have to. Being a ruler is busy work, and I don't have time for all of this nonsense."

She flips the envelope open with an aura of green magic, then begins to read.

"Dear Chrysalis,

I bet you already know I voted for you! Don't congratulate yourself early. I've sent you this letter to tell you why I would vote for someone like you. It's because you have the most potential. You are 100% correct in the fact that changelings, donkeys, mules, and other creatures have been discriminated against by ponies. The others probably won't change that. What you can do, however, is not just give changelings and the others rights. You can give them to ponies too. Give all creatures freedom and you will do two major things. You will gan support from all races, and you will disgrace Celestia. You will show that it is possible for all races to live together in harmony, not just ponies. Just a penny for your thoughts my Queen. I wish you the best of luck, and give Pinkie my best wishes.

Your faithful servant,
DjPyro3"

Chrysalis stares at the note for several moments after reading it, her head leaning slightly to one side. "I… well this is… ahem, I think I will reserve commenting on this to myself…"

With that, the changeling Queen makes her way into the back, her quiet, plodding pace drawing a surprisingly concerned look from Rarity. She takes one look back at you all, then follows after Chrysalis, worry spreading upon her face.

* * *

Twilight returns to the stage, an unusually vengeful smile on her face. "The girls and I have been getting tired of being spied on by Bluenose and Yellowbelly, so we naturally turned the tables. Who'd like to see what we got?"

Cheers, shouts of encouragement, and applause ring out from the audience around you. Twilight's self-satisfied smile grows with the approval. She looks backstage, calling out to the others. "Okay girls, put it on for everypony!"

She steps aside as the monitor lowers down from the ceiling. As the massive display screen glows to life, Twilight smiles coldly. "Now everypony will see what's really going on with those two."

On the screen, you see the camera fixed upon the door of what appears to be a broom closet, the faintly shadowed outline of a curly mane is cast across the portal by a wan, flickering light. Two ponies can be heard whispering to each other.

"Are you sure this is the right place," the first voice asks?

"Sure I'm sure, silly. I know where everypony lives. It's part of my special talent." The loud, overt voice of Pinkie Pie sounds, making your ears ring from the sudden volume after the first speaker's quiet tone.

"Shh! Pinkie! You're gonna blow our cover," the now apparent voice of Rainbow Dash hisses!

"Oops, sorry," Pinkie Pie answers, whispering again.

A blue hoof pushes the door open slowly, revealing a room that looks significantly larger than the broom closet it first seemed to be. There is some kind of movement in the darkness further back in the gloomy chamber. The camera totters gently as it draws closer to the scene.

Out on the stage, Twilight is grinning triumphantly as she watches the secret footage. "Now you two will get humiliated for all of those times you made a joke out of us."

On the screen, the camera draws up to a good watching position next to a shelf of random items, focusing on the blanket that's squirming on the floor. Suddenly Twilight emerges, her face flushed red from some very physical activity. The blanket moves again, and Applejack's hooves come out from under it, dragging her back in with a yelp.

The camera visibly shakes as Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie start whispering to each other. "Pinkie, we need to get out of here!"

"No can do. Twilight said to stay here and record everything that happens, no matter what. I made a Pinkie Promise to do just that."

"Augh! Pinkie, I don't think Twilight would want us recording this!"

The blanket jerks more ferociously, and Rainbow Dash's head pops out. The second Dash is clearly laying on her back, her tongue lolling out of her smiling mouth.

The real Rainbow Dash's head bursts out in front of the camera, her face reddening in embarrassment. "Okay, show's over Pinkie!"

The camera jukes, trying to get around RD's body and spy in on the still thrashing blanket on the floor. The blue pegasus is in turn clearly fighting back, trying to stop her from watching the extremely suggestive scene. Suddenly the camera slips, the lens spiderwebbing as it cracks against the floor.

"Oops," Pinkie says.

"Keekeekeekeekee!" The cheerful laughter of changelings bursts out from somewhere in the dark room.

"Ooh! You two! Why I oughtta-" Rainbow's voice drops to a growl.

The camera jerks, then attempts to focus in as Pinkie's head comes into view. She looks squarely at the lens, then off to one side as a loud crash sounds.

"Kee! Runnaway!"

"Get back here, you!"

"Keeheehee! Miss me, pegasus thing!"

"You're gonna pay for tha- ouch!"

Pinkie looks back into the camera again. "Sorry about this, everypony."

The screen goes fuzzy, until nothing is visible. Twilight stares, mouth agape at the shocking tape, then she looks back out at you, her face going red.

"I'm terribly sorry everypony. I had no idea that something so vulgar was recor-" She cuts off in mid-sentence at the appearance of Applejack and Rarity, apparently sitting in the front row. The orange earth pony is leaning over, licking the creamy white horn atop her companion's head. The two ponies fix Twilight with seductive glances, then return to their foreplay.

Twilight's mouth drops open, then twists into a furious scowl. "Alright you two! That's enough! Out!"

She summons up a burst of powerful magic, blasting it into the audience, squarely at her friends! The two misbehaving ponies return to their changeling forms as they escape their seats. They barely make it, narrowly avoiding the blast that not only breaks the chairs free, but plows straight up a row of audience members, hurling them through the air, then back down upon others who are sitting up in the balconies.

Twilight hastily looks back and forth at you all, realizing her error in judgement. Cries of pain and distress mingle with Bluenose and Yellowbelly's raucous laughter at the theatre is once again thrown into disorder. Ponies and bronies dart everywhere in a random panic, off in the seats along the left wall, a fire starts randomly, and the whole room plunges into chaos.

"Oh the horror!"

"My leg!"

"I'm Batman."

"What's going on? I can't see! I'm blind!"

"Everypony, make your way to the exit doors! Please line up in an orderly fashion!"

"Shut up, I do what I want!"

"It hurts!"

"There's a chair on top of me! I don't think it's supposed to work this way!"

"This… Is… SPARTA!"

"Yaaaaaagh!"

"Where are they all coming from!?"

"Fire, fire!"

"What's going on!? I don't even understand anymore!"

You finally make your escape into the foyer, where the crowd finally begins to settle down for the second time today. Many of them decide to take this chance to buy some more treats, or visit Flim and Flam's deodorant booth. Deciding you've had enough chaos for one day, you join the throng in buying up treats and perhaps your favorite scent of pony.

Afterwards, you are pushed along towards the ballot booth, where the documents for voting sit in colorful boxes. Over the top of it, the sign reads as follows:

Rules:
Only one vote per pony or brony.
Submit the filled out form with your vote by copying and pasting the form, then submitting it via private message.
Insert it into the ballot box for validation.
Votes will be counted until August 31st. The Winner will be announced on the following Pony Variety Show!

Below that are the forms:

Name (Username):
Candidate Voted For:

The candidates are:
Princesses Celestia and Cadence

Princess Luna and Discord

Queen Chrysalis and Pinkie Pie

Flim and Flam

The Great and Powerful Trixie (and Darkened Flame)

Iron Will and Bon Bon

Captain Literal

Once done there, you see the Cutie Mark Crusaders, who eagerly await your opinions for next time's show, fanmail, and opinions about today's performance. After making any remarks or comments, you step out of the theatre.

"Y'all come back soon, ya hear!?" Apple Bloom calls after you.

The sunshine and warmth of the day greet you as you finally get away from the clustered crowds, and head off into the normal world, or whatever passes for it, once again.