Girls Are from Earth, Featherweight is from Jupiter

by Matthew Penn

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Diamond Tiara, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Featherweight, Comedy
Length: 3453

Featherweight becomes obsessed with Diamond Tiara, and will stop at nothing to win her heart.

Featherweight is just your average horny teenager whose daily routines includes stalking Diamond Tiara and sneaking into her backyard at night. Unable to hide his feelings any longer, he finds a way to grab her attention and win her heart.

Published 2015-08-30 21:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-08-30 21:50:01 UTC

Girls Are from Earth, Featherweight is from Jupiter

I have a great view of Diamond Tiara’s room by hiding behind the bushes. I can see everything that she is doing, but she has no idea I’m in her backyard. I try not to make too much noise, although I haven’t been caught yet. The night is warm and comforting. From outside I can hear loud pop music vibrating from the walls. She’s in front of the window now, dancing, and I take every perfect shot of her with my camera. I could watch her all night if I wanted to.

Diamond Tiara is everything I ever dreamed of. From the first time I saw her walking down the halls I knew I wanted to be with her. Her hair, her pink skin, her eyes… everything about her is perfect. I love the way she laughs and smile. It makes my heart soar. I don’t care what anypony says about her, she is a beautiful angel from heaven.

Before I laid eyes on her, I never knew true love. I never kissed a girl, never hugged a girl, not even held a pleasant conversation. Then on the first few days of ninth grade she entered the halls of Canterlot High with her nose pointed in the air, ignoring everypony else as though we were peasants. She was magnificent. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. The sight of her coming toward made my arms weak, so I dropped my books, but she didn’t acknowledge me. How could somepony like me ever get the chance with a girl like her?

I have two classes with Diamond Tiara. In one of them, Earth Science 101, I sit behind her, and I have a great view of the back of her head. Her hair and coat gives the fresh scent of lilacs in bloom. Being near her is enticing! All those times I wish I could jump out of my seat and hug and cuddle her! I like to think her coat feels as soft as a baby’s bottom. That would be so amazing!

It’s impossible to not think about her all the time. The only thing I want is to be with her, but I hold myself back. During lunch I watch her sit with her friends from a considerable distance. I can look at her smiling face all day. And she takes good care of her teeth too. I’ve never seen any teeth that are whiter than hers. No matter where she sits she has the posture of somebody of royalty or a noble. Her back is always straight, her legs never uncrossed. She almost looks like a fully adult woman despite being fifteen. I don’t think any girl in Canterlot High will ever match the charm and loveliness of Diamond Tiara.

After lunch, my last class with her is Physical Education (P.E. or Gym class). I will gladly feel pain in every inch of my muscles and limbs just to see her in her gym outfit. She wears her tight blue t-shirt whenever I see her. Her yellow shorts really bring out her thighs and backside. Her appearance have an effect on me when we play indoor volleyball. Although she never attempts to try her best (she stands around looking bored) I’m hexed from the way she stands. She’s like the goddess Aphrodite in sneakers.

“Featherweak, keep your head in the game!” a girl named Gilda yells when the ball hits me. Featherweak is her cruel nickname for me. It’s hard to keep my head anywhere recently. She’ll never understand. Gilda has probably never been in love.

That’s how life has been for me. I keep watch on her while hiding behind the bushes. She is still dancing. I wish everybody knew how graceful she is when she is on her legs. I picture her wearing ballerina slippers and a dress to match. I bet she can out-dance anypony in the National Ballet. It will be great to watch her jump, twirl, do splits and stand on the top of her toes. In fact, it will be truly amazing if both of us attended the a high class gala together. I can see it now - I’m surrounded by hundreds of people as I wait for Diamond Tiara. Then, the lights dim and the spotlight is on her. She descends the marble stairs in a glittering pink and white dress, not to mention her tiara. I hold out my hand and help her down the last steps. Then we waltz while an ensemble plays.

We cease our dance and we enter the balcony. The city of Canterlot gleams with light under us, and the stars fly over our heads. We look into each other’s eyes, and she says, “Featherweight, this has been an amazing night. Nothing can get better than this.”

I say, “Yes it can.” Then we lock lips. Our love is powerful enough to make the flowers grow in the royal garden. Everybody near us will stop and look in awe at us.

If only dreams were real.

I exchange my camera for my binoculars. Diamond Tiara is still dancing. I wish I was in the room dancing with her right now. She seems so happy, so full of life, but she stops suddenly. There’s a look of annoyance on her face. She’s probably being called for dinner. Diamond Tiara leaves the room and turn the lights off.

I wish I had the guts to reveal my feelings for her. She probably has a dozen or so boys chasing after her, but I truly care for Diamond Tiara. She is the light of my world, the perfect creation of nature. Each day I don’t make a move is another wasted opportunity. I can no longer take sanctuary in her backyard any longer. I have to let her know how I really feel. If I don’t, then I’ll spend the rest of my life thinking what if? I can’t let this opportunity pass me by like so many others.

I go home for the rest of the night. In my bedroom closet keep a collection of my photos of Diamond Tiara. A long time ago I purchased the lilac perfume she always wears and spray it on the pictures. A take a whiff and I’m suddenly in the place where dreams are born. Laying on my bed I think about how to get close to Diamond Tiara. I know I can’t talk to her face-to-face. My legs wobble and my mouth dries up just by looking at her. I don’t even want to think about what will happen if I stutter. It will be humiliating for the both of us, or probably just me. Yeah, just me. If I can’t talk to her, then what can I do?

In times like these I consult the internet. Where will the human race be without the almighty computer? There are tons of websites available that teach how to get girls. After minutes of searching, I finally stumble upon a website called BoyMeetsGirl.com and on a page that says How to Get a Girl to Like You. It has a whole list of things of what to do. This is perfect! I click on the print button and place it on my desk. All of this is too good to fail! I turn off the lights and close my eyes, then let Diamond Tiara invade my dreams.

Today is the beginning of a brand new day. I can feel it deep within my soul. I pull out and unfold the list of things to do from my pocket. The first thing the list said to do was to show an artistic display of affection. What is a better way to do that than to draw a portrait of her? I’m not the best artist in the world, but got most of the basic features right. I have to admit her head is a tad bigger than her hair, although her eyes are perfect in my opinion. Just the perfect shade of cyan-blue. I check my surroundings to see if Diamond Tiara is nearby. Thankfully she isn’t. I fold the picture into a small square and shove it inside her locker.

There is two minutes left before the warning bell for the first period bell rings. The warning bell gives us five minutes to prepare for class. That’s just enough time I need. I walk across the hall and turn to a corner to get a good view of Diamond Tiara when she arrives at her locker. Hopefully she’ll like it.

Diamond Tiara finally move past a group of three girls standing in the middle of the hall. Another girl in glasses is with her. I forget her name. They’re silent, exchanging dirty looks at each other. I didn’t count on the girl with glasses being with her. Most of the time I see her walking by herself. Maybe she won’t ruin anything, but who knows? I turn away from them. I feel sweat dripping from my forehead. Take a deep breath, Featherweight. I take a peek at them again. Diamond Tiara is opening her locker. She’s taking her books out. Tremors of doubt linger in me. Right now I wish she doesn’t see the drawing. It’s too late for that.

“Hey, what’s this?” I hear her say. She unfolds the paper. I have a nervous habit of biting my nails when something like this happens. A close look at her face shows that she’s both surprised and frightened. “Is this supposed to be me?”

“It’s kind of creepy,” her friend says. That doesn’t sound good at all. I keep looking at Diamond Tiara. Her face softens a little bit. She folds my drawing into a square and puts in her backpack. Diamond and her friend walk toward my direction, prompting me to stay hidden. Her lilac perfume flows through the air. I grit my teeth, my arms feel weak again. “Who do you think did it?” her friend asks again.

“I don’t know, but it’s probably some boy. I can’t say I’m surprised. I am the most beautiful girl in school, you know.”

Does that mean she likes it? I can’t tell by the tone of her voice, but I sure hope so. She probably does. Why would she put it in her backpack if she didn’t like it? Whoa, I’m tingling all over!

It’s hard to keep my distance from her while trying to get close at the same time. Earth Science 101 is where I sit two seats away from her. Reading about rock formation and the layers of the earth is extremely difficult when the object of your affection is sitting a short ways in front of you. My eyes roll from the back of her head to her legs. Such beautiful legs she has. My mind removes her pink low top converse and her socks. I bet she has the greatest feet in the world.

“Hey, would you stop breathing on my neck?”

Oh no, was I doing that? I put my hand over my mouth, nodding embarrassingly. Diamond only rolls her eyes. I don’t know what she mumbled, but I can guess it’s not something very positive. But that won’t get me down. At least she didn’t throw my drawing away.

After Earth Science, lunch period, and gazing at her amazing figure during P.E. school lets out. I like to follow Diamond Tiara home sometimes, and I keep a safe distance from her, at least seven yards away from her. Whenever she turns around I find somewhere to hide like a tree. I try to be extra careful when her friend is around. Sometimes they walk together, sometimes they don’t. This time she’s alone, so there’s slightly less pressure on me.

Once done pretending to walk her home I take out my list of things to do. I cross out showing an artistic display of affection. The second item on the list says to write a love note and send it to her in secret. That might be a tough one, but if the list says so then I’ll do it. For the rest of the day I attempt to write the most poetic love note ever.

It took me all night, but I finally perfected my love note for Diamond Tiara. I slipped it in her locker so it will be the first thing she sees. She was late to her locker this morning, and the bell was about the ring, so I didn’t get the chance to see if she found it or not. I’ve been reading her face whenever I caught glimpse and she seemed genuinely confused. Maybe that means something?

Often times when the day is nice Diamond likes to sit in the courtyard to eat her lunch. She and her friend, who I found out her name is Silver Spoon, sit on a bench. I climbed up a tree and watch them talk. Diamond is taking out the love note she kept in her pocket the whole time.

“I found this in my locker this morning,” she said. She sounded shocked. I squeeze the branch as she read aloud.

“To my fair Tiara,

Let’s just say we don’t know each other, but I see you everyday at school. I really feel we have a connection, we just don’t know it yet. I’ve admired you ever since the first day of school. You were the greatest thing I have ever seen in my life. I enjoy seeing you walk down the halls with such confidence and authority. If your very name hadn’t given it away, I would have suspected that you were a princess. Why wouldn’t you be? You have a tiara on your head to prove it. I believe you are the most beautiful young lady in Canterlot High. Whenever you come into view it’s hard to think about anything else. I hope someday we can share our love together.

Signed, Anonymous”

“... That is beyond creepy,” Silver Spoon said. I didn’t appreciate her choice of words, however I can’t give away my position. Diamond Tiara hadn’t turned away from the letter. I don’t know what her face looks like from up here, but I do know she’s deep in thought. I just know.

“I don’t know, I think it’s kind of sweet. In a weird sort of way.”

“It’s still creepy! Maybe we should report it!”

“Silver Spoon we don’t even know who sent it.”

“It could be some perv, like Snips or Snails or Button Mash! Or Coach Biceps!”

“We don’t know that yet, Silver Spoon. He could be a really sexy eleventh grader! Can you believe it? Dating an upperclassman will finally boost my cred in this crummy school!”

The bell rang and lunch break was over. Diamond Tiara placed the note in her pocket, and she and Silver Spoon walk away from the bench. I wait until they’re gone from sight to climb down the tree. Wow, she really likes me! I pull out the list and the next item says I have to leave candy on her doorstep, along with another note to let her know I want to meet her in person. Thank goodness it’s the beginning of the weekend!

It’s Saturday afternoon, the day where I finally confess my feelings to Diamond Tiara. This morning I left a heart-shaped box full of chocolate at her front door and, just as the list said, another note. It told her to meet me at the park at the stroke of noon at the water fountain, where her secret admirer will reveal himself.

I have a bouquet of roses in my hand and a red bowtie. My brown hair is neatly combed. I play this scene in my head throughout the morning. Diamond Tiara will be surprised to see me. Then I’ll go down on one knee, give her the flowers and confess my love. Diamond Tiara, overwhelmed with emotion, throws herself at me.

There is no way this can fail. I know in my gut that this day will end happily. I followed everything on the list to the smallest detail. Finally the days of discreetly following her home from school and nights of sneaking into her backyard have paid off. We’ll probably kiss. I hope we kiss. I practice kissing my paper cutout of Diamond Tiara enough times to know how to do it. I take a mint from my pocket and eat it, just in case. You can never be too sure. I check my watch. It’s currently 11:57 a.m. She should be coming any minute now. My spine is tingling all over.

I see somebody coming. It’s Diamond Tiara, I think. She’s coming closer. It’s definitely her. I recognize her hair anywhere. I double check myself to make sure I look presentable. My legs feel weak again. I almost drop the bouquet of roses, but I keep a tight grip. At the last minute I hide the roses behind my back. Then, out of force of habit, I find a hiding spot before she notices I’m here.

Diamond Tiara is holding the letter in her hand. She looks around like she doesn’t know where she is. The muscles on my mouth twitch and I smile, but I try to force it down. She’s waiting for her mystery man. Okay Featheweight, you got this. Just come out and tell her how you feel.

She has her back turned, so I burst from behind a tree and make a high pitched yelping noise. Diamond Tiara screams and falls on her bottom. “You jerk! Why did you do that?”

“Sorry,” I mumbled.

“You’re just lucky you didn’t do any damage! I wouldn’t want to look like a mess in front my secret admirer!”

I grin, followed by pauses between laughter under my breath. She glares at me, then continues to wait for her mystery man. I can’t think of anything to say. Also, my skin breaks out in rash. That happens to me sometimes, too. I have to think of something to say before she leaves. I take a deep breath, and then…

“... I’m your secret admirer!”

We’re both silent. Tiara’s eyes are wide, but I keep my smile. She also smiled, which got me excited, but then she laughs at me. “You’re kidding, right? Now who is my real secret admirer?”

“... Me.”

I show her the bouquet of roses. I stammered and stuttered alot, but I managed to tell her that the drawing, the love note, the chocolate were all from me. Hopefully the roses will change her mind about me.

“Oh my gosh… you were stalking me?” she yells.

“No, not stalking.”

“You were stalking me! Now you expect me to be your girlfriend? You’re such a creep… whoever you are!”

“I… I only sneaked into backyard a couple of times, but you never saw me.”

She gives me this frightened look before leaving. I try to stop her with one more thing. “Diamond Tiara, I got your favorite perfume!” I turn her around sprayed some of the lilac fragrance on her face, but she didn’t seem to like it very much.

“My eyes!”

Diamond Tiara pushed me to the ground. Once I got up she was gone, possibly forever. There you have it, the only girl I ever loved ran away from me, just like everything else in my life. All I want more than anything in the world is to be loved by somebody. Am I asking for too much? Am I destined to live a miserable life without anybody?

Something hits me in the back of my head, and I fall face down on the grass. A brief moment of disorientation later, I found it was a soccer ball. “Hey Featherweak, can you pass me the ball?” somebody yells to me.

Featherweak. I know that voice. I turn around and I see Gilda impatiently staring at me, although something about her seems different. I don’t know why but she looks good, pretty almost. Maybe it’s the way her hair looks, or her eyes. I’ve noticed her golden irises before. I give her the soccer and she returns to her game. The way she runs has a sort of spellbinding effect on me. What an athletic body she has! Gilda's built like an Amazonian warrior... but a beautiful Amazonian warrior! She must workout everyday! Gilda sets the ball down and kicks it high in the air. She kicks like a pro! My goodness, I've been so blind! Forget about Diamond Tiara, it's Gilda that I want! I must follow her home!