Three Rednecks Save the Grand Equestrian Pony Summit
“That is the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” Larry the Cable Guy declared as he nodded toward the massive gem figure. “It looks like one of Spike’s relatives barfed up his Fruity Pebbles and decided to make a statue out of it.”
“Thank you for that beautiful image,” Jeff Foxworthy said sarcastically as he threw his cake-laden fork down on his plate in disgust.
“Who cares about the God-awful statue?” Bill Engvall asked his two redneck friends. “Did either of you notice how tired Twilight was when she said her piece up there on stage?”
Larry nodded. “Yeah. She looked a bit more pooped than usual. We should have had some of them pancakes up there in case she needed a cat nap.”
“I heard she’d been awake for three days straight planning this Kumbaya summit,” Foxworthy chimed in.
Bill played with his lanyard absently as he took in this new information. “That ain’t healthy. The last time I didn’t sleep for three days was when a cottonmouth snake slipped into my bedroom.”
“Oh, yeah, how did that go? Did you ever find that thing?” Jeff asked.
“Yep. Four dozen bug bombs later the snake said ‘buck this’ and left.”
Spike came into the room and casually walked up to their table, “Hey guys, how’s it goin’?”
“Well, other than there’s nothing to eat besides oats, hay, cake, and candy apples, everything’s fine,” Jeff grumbled. “It’s either gain thirty pounds or starve, just like at Long John Silver’s.”
Spike nodded. “Sorry guys. I’ll see what I can do about that. Uh, hey, if you three aren’t busy, could you all help me out with something?”
"Spike, we’re Americans. If you can’t come to us, who else can you go to?” Larry stated with pride. “What do ya’ need help with?”
“I’ll explain on the way. Come on.”
A few minutes later, three humans and one baby dragon were standing outside a door at the top of a very high tower.
“So Twilight’s in there?” Bill asked.
Spike shushed the human. “Keep your voice down. She’s sleeping.”
“Sorry,” Bill replied sheepishly.
“So our job is to just make sure nobody bugs her,” Jeff whispered. “That sounds doable.”
“Yeah, but how long are we stuck here?” Larry asked.
“Oh, you won’t be here too long. I’d say no more than an hour. But Princess Cadence told me to let nopony bother her until she wakes up, and I’ve got to take care of some things.”
“What sort of things?” Jeff asked suspiciously.
Spike scratched the back of his head nervously. “Uh, I gotta do a few personal things. I . . .”
“Oh, ya’ gotta pray on the porcelain throne,” the Cable Guy finished. “Say no more. That hemp and hay burger shot right through me.”
Larry’s two friends gave him a strange look.
“What? I was curious. And I didn’t get the high I was hoping for either, if you’re wondering.”
Before anyone could comment on this, Spike started down the tower’s spiraling staircase. “Thanks guys. And remember, don’t let anypony bother her.” And just like that, he was gone.
A short while later, the rednecks’ first test came walking up the steps.
The newcomer gave the three humans a curious look, “I say, my good chaps, why aren’t you gentlecolts down in the courtyard enjoying the festivities?”
Before any of the three could reply, Fancy Pants went on. “Oh, let me guess. You’re here to inquire about free passes to the meetings, oratories, food, and what not.”
Larry’s eyebrows arched in interest. “Go on.”
“Well, my good sir. I asked about that too, you see. But alas, that dragon who speaks for the Princess said that she denied my most humble request.”
The rednecks huddled together and after a few moments of whispering and gesturing fell silent and looked back at the upper crust pony. “What if we asked her again for ya’?” Jeff offered.
The unicorn’s eyes widened just enough that his monocle fell out of his eye. “Oh? I take it you gents speak for the Princess now since I don’t see that dragon anywhere.”
Foxworthy blinked. “Uh, sure. Let me slip in here right quick, and let’s see if the Princess changed her mind.”
“Excellent. Thank you my good chap.”
As they were waiting, Fancy Pants gazed down at the busy Canterlot streets. “I thought I told those bloody fools to prune those trees and to fix that water pipe,” he snarled.
Bill and Larry peered over the side of the stone railing. “Yeah, that don’t look good,” Bill declared seeing the problem immediately.”
“Hey, Larry, you still got that chainsaw in the back of your truck?”
“Is a pair of tits on a boar worth more than Prince Blue Blood?”
“Yes,” both Bill and Fancy Pants answered at the same time. All three of them laughed hysterically as the door to Twilight’s room opened.
“For God’s sake, keep it down,” Jeff hissed. “She’s sleeping.”
“Who is? Princess Twilight?” Fancy Pants asked.
Jeff nodded.
“Oh, dear. I thought she looked a tad exhausted, the poor dear.”
“Yeah, she’s sawing wood like a starving band saw. But I did find these babies.”
Jeff handed the unicorn a dozen tickets.
“Those should get you into whatever you want.”
“By Jove, sir. You are a gentlecolt and a scholar. But is this alright with the Princess? She turned down my request the first time you know.”
Foxworthy placed a hand on the unicorn’s shoulder, “My friend, you only live once, unless you’re a cat.”
“Quite right, quite right,” Fancy Pants said happily. The unicorn’s mirth was smothered as he cast another angry look at the top-heavy trees and the cracked water pipe.
“Hey, don’t worry about that. We’ll take care of it. Ain’t nothing some Gorilla Snot, a rickety ladder, and a semi-sharp chainsaw can’t cure,” Bill declared.
The unicorn bowed to the three rednecks. “Canterlot is indebted to you three. I’ll let everypony else know that the Princess is resting and that she is not to be disturbed. I’ll even ask Princess Celestia for some guards so you aren’t stuck here all day.”
Before Fancy Pants could leave, Larry called after him, “Hey.”
The unicorn turned around.
“Why did you come up here if it wasn’t for those tickets?”
The upper crust pony knocked himself gently in the head with his hoof. “Of course, how could I forget?”
The unicorn handed a long rolled-up scroll to Larry.
“What is it?” Jeff asked.
“It is a petition to deconstruct that eye-sore of a gem statue in the Grand Conference Hall. I know Twilight and her staff meant well, and it probably seemed like a good idea at the time. But . . .”
Larry unrolled the parchment and skimmed through name after name. He pursed his lips and said, “We’ll take care of this, too.”
“Again, my good sirs, thank you.”
After the pony had left, Larry glanced at his two friends and then at the scroll. “I say we burn this thing. I agree with that duded-up fella. That statue looks like crap, but Twilight and them other ponies don’t deserve this. Not after working so hard on putting this shin-dig together. That ain’t right. I don’t know about you two, but I would rather stare at a dozen more fugly statues than give her this roll of toilet paper.”
Jeff and Bill nodded and did not protest as Larry took out a lighter and scorched the parchment to flaky cinders.
“Come on now, let’s get to work on those trees,” the Cable Guy declared as he led the way down the stairs.
They spent the next hour cutting down limbs with pegasi. As Bill finished trimming the last dragon sneeze tree, he spotted Twilight Sparkle waving up at him.
Bill flipped the kill switch on his chainsaw. “Alright boys, thanks for the help. You better take me down now.”
The two pegasi guards lifted Bill out of the tree with a heavily modified rescue harness. As Engvall and the guardsmen landed, another pair of humans climbed out of the pit where the broken water main was.
Twilight favored Bill with a curious look. “Why aren’t you using a ladder for trimming?”
The redneck grinned as the two pegasi flew away. “Well, Larry was the one doing this until the ladder gave way under his fat butt.”
“Hey now, let’s not make this personal,” Larry said indignantly. “That ladder was on its last leg to begin with, and you know it.”
“You should have seen it, Princess,” Bill guffawed.
Larry then pointed at Jeff. “And this some bitch didn’t even try to catch me.”
Jeff began to count on his fingers. “Okay, first of all, you weigh more than a pregnant hippo. And second, it would have been an awkward conversation explaining to my wife why I now carry my head underneath my armpit.”
Larry blushed. “I guess I should have let go of the trigger on the way down.”
Twilight shook her head. “You boys are going to get into serious trouble some day if you aren’t more careful.”
Larry waved off the Princess’s comment. “Ah, shoot. That tree business was nothing compared to this mess down here.”
Walking over to the busted water main, the pony was surprised to see a perfectly fitted crystal pipe. “Let me guess. You had Princess Cadence make one for you.”
“Yep,” Jeff replied. “We spent hours trying to fix the broken one, but we ran out of glue, duct tape, and chewing gum. So Princess Cadence just happened by, wanting to know where Spike was. While she was here, she threw us a bone by making this beautiful work of art for us, and we did the rest.”
Twilight’s face darkened at the mention of her assistance’s name. “Yes, about Spike. Apparently he made some decisions on my behalf while I was sleeping.”
Larry covered his mouth with his hand. “I can’t believe Spike would do a thing like that. I’m about as shocked as a kid with a paperclip stuck in a light socket.”
As Jeff elbowed Larry to shut him up, Bill asked, “How did that go, him making decisions for ya’?”
The alicorn sighed. “It could have gone a lot worse. But as things are, it’s nothing a Pinkie Party can’t solve.”
Jeff smiled. “Well, all’s well that ends well, right?”
Twilight shook her head. “I shouldn’t have gone to sleep like that. Celestia only knows what could have happened if I hadn’t awoken when I did. Relationships between the other cities are strained enough as it is. This could have been a complete disaster.”
Bill knelt by the upset alicorn. “Twilight, there’s a saying where we come from. It’s called, fecal material happens.”
Larry applauded Bill. “Man, you cleaned that dirty saying up better than a hog in a beauty contest.”
Twilight asked, “What does it mean?”
“It means stuff happens that is beyond our control,” Jeff informed her. “You had to have sleep, and the rest of us carried on as best we could. Just because we and Spike made poor decisions doesn’t mean it’s your fault.”
Twilight blinked. “What do you mean ‘we’ made bad decisions?”
Jeff gave an apologetic look to both Larry and Bill.
“Don’t sweat it, Jeff. It’s probably best we tell her,” Larry declared.
After they told their story, Twilight nodded. “This explains a lot.”
“Yeah, I hope ya’ weren’t too hard on Spike,” Bill said. “Since at least some of those Princess choices were on us.”
Twilight nodded. “Honestly, the more the gem statue came together, the less I liked it. I wouldn’t have said a word if I was given the petition to take down the statue.”
“How mad were they that the statue wasn’t, uh, ripped apart and buried?” Jeff asked.
“Well, I did notice ponies were giving me a lot of disgusted looks when I was in the room with the statue,” Twilight admitted. “It was those free tickets that you three gave Fancy Pants that caused some trouble.”
Jeff stepped forward, “Like I said, Princess, that was more my doing than anyone else’s.”
“Bull crap, you freaking blame hog. We all decided it was okay,” Engvall declared.
Twilight held up her hoof to silence the rednecks, “It’s okay boys. I just told Fancy that I made a mistake, and those tickets were meant for somepony else. He and his friends returned them to me without question.”
The humans breathed a sigh of relief at this.
“Uh, if you don’t mind me askin’ Twilight, who were them tickets for?” Larry asked.
The alicorn smiled. “The tickets were meant to be given as gifts. All the Princesses choose three ponies from those in attendance, and they get the free passes.”
The Rednecks nodded in understanding.
“I talked it over with Princess Celestia, Cadence, and Luna. We think that you boys should get the tickets.”
Bill, Larry, and Jeff just stared at the alicorn.
“You want to give us those?” Bill asked. “We did nothing but screw you over since Spike asked us to help him help you.”
Twilight shook her head. “That’s not true Bill. You three insured that I got my rest, which I do appreciate. Not only that, you all spent hours fixing Canterlot’s trees and water system while everypony else was celebrating. If you guys hadn’t done those things, this event could have ended terribly.”
The rednecks blushed at the Princess’s words. “Well, you’re welcome, Twilight,” Jeff said happily.
Sniffing and wiping his eyes, Larry said huskily, “Yeah, thanks. Sorry, Princess, I got something in my eye.” After clearing his throat, The Cable Guy asked, “Uh, is that Pinkie Party still going on? Those are pretty fun.”
Twilight nodded. “Follow me, boys.”
