Pulp Magic

by iamthemithras

Rating: teen
Tags: Dark, Alternate Universe
Length: 2877

\ˈpəlp ma-jik\ : If Quentin Tarantino wrote My Little Pony

[size=0.75em]pulp

noun \ˈpəlp\

: a magazine or book printed on cheap paper (as newsprint) and often dealing with sensational material; also : sensational or tabloid writing —often used attributively <pulp fiction>

pulp fiction

noun \ˈpəlp fik-shən\

: fiction dealing with lurid or sensational subjects, often printed on rough, low-quality paper manufactured from wood pulp. [/size]

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2015-09-01 06:50:15 UTC

Pulp Magic

pulp

noun \ˈpəlp\

:  a magazine or book printed on cheap paper (as newsprint) and often dealing with sensational material; also :  sensational or tabloid writing —often used attributively

pulp fiction

noun \ˈpəlp fik-shən\

: fiction dealing with lurid or sensational subjects, often printed on rough, low-quality paper manufactured from wood pulp.

pulp magic

fiction \ˈpəlp ma-jik\

: If Quentin Tarantino wrote My Little Pony

“I just got to thinking – how does somepony gets disturbed that ponies sleep through the night? Like, let’s say you’re Nightmare Moon, alright? Your sister, Princess Celestia brings out the sun, and you bring out the moon after her. Ponies play and have fun all the time in the day then sleep when the moon comes out. Is that something that should really grind your gears?”

Applejack turned to Rainbow Dash “Well, now that there you’ve put it that there way… why would nightmare moon be jealous about that there? It’s not like she done made that moon or anything… did she done made that moon, twilight?”

“No, she didn’t made the moon. You have a point Rainbow, but we should keep in mind that this is Nightmare Moon we’re talking about. She might be evil even before she decided to betray Princess Celestia for all we know.”

“Well, it could be that too I guess… or, there was some serious sibling issues we don’t know about”

Twilight scoffed “Seriously, are you accusing Princess Celestia of all beings to be a bad sister?”

“I’m not accusing anypony anything… I’m just saying, it could happen you know?”

“Trust me. It couldn’t. I studied under Princess Celestia herself, that shit doesn’t fit”

“Alright, nerd... Geez”

Nobody said a thing. They kept following Twilight in the forest.

Pinkie shouted “Oh! What if Princess Celestia as we know is a kind and gentle princess and everything, maybe Nightmare Moon is just the complete opposite of her, like two opposite ends of the spectrum! I mean Celestia’s white, Nightmare’s Black – they cancel each other out!”

“If that’s true, then how did they got along before Nightmare Moon got banished to the moon?”

Pinkie rubbed her chin “Excellent question! Maybe they didn’t? I’m talking Tom and Jerry shit here, maybe Nightmare moon refusing to bring down the moon was the last straw, you know? Then that’s when Celestia used the Elements of Harmony to bring that bitch down a notch, gave her the guantanamo bay treatment and sent her packing straight home to her lovely namesake La gran luna en el cielo”

Rainbow Dash turned to Pinkie “… What the fuck is that - some sort of nightclub?”

Applejack replied “… Ah think she means the moon”

“… Whatever I guess. Crazy bitch”

“Speaking of nightclubs, I got a joke for you guys – So, a mare was drinking out with a friend at a bar and talked to her friend about her husband: ‘I don’t think he loves me anymore’ she says ‘Sometimes he doesn’t come home on time, doesn’t want to have sex as often anymore, won’t cuddle with me as often too. It’s like that fire we had once is gone or going out, know what I’m sayin’?” and then her friend says ‘I know exactly what you mean, I had that problem too with my husband before.’ she says ‘How’d you fix it?’ ‘I tried sprucing up our sex life and we he wouldn’t let go of me again ever since’ ‘How’d you do that?’ she says- ‘Well, a griffin friend of mine told me how she has sex with her husband and told me to try it – so I tried it. Every time your mate wants to change positions or stops between you scream at the moon or the sun if its day ‘Celestia!’ – you gotta do it every time, don’t forget  - every time he pulls out you scream ‘Sun!’ whether intentionally, unintentionally, between positions, you get it, alright?’ Hey! Hey, you girls followin’ me?”

Rainbow Dash said “Yeah, yeah – go on”

Pinkie continued “Okay – so she said ‘When he cums – inside you or not, you scream ‘Moon!’ okay?’ so the mare said ‘Okay, sounds good. I’ll try that’ so she did. Next night her hubby went home, she gave him her come hither eyes, lured him to bed – alright? And then she followed her friend’s advice, first time he pulled out she screamed ‘Sun!’ second time he pulled out she screamed ‘Sun!’ when they changed positions she screamed ‘Celestia!’ alright? When he came, she said ‘Moon!’ you guys with me?”

Rainbow said “Yeah, we are – go on!”

Pinkie went on “Okay, so after a few minutes of this when her stallion pulled out and came on her thigh she screamed ‘Sun! Moon!’ now after her husband caught his breath he said ‘Sweet fucking Celestia – Why are you fucking like a Griffon!?’”

Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Applejack laughed after Pinkie finished, Fluttershy looked at the three and then to Twilight ahead leading them their way in the Everfree forest

As soon as they stopped chuckling, she barely voiced out “Um. I don’t get it”

Applejack told her “It means her husband is playing pin-the-tail on the griffon”

“… um?”

“It means he’s cheating on her with a griffon” Rainbow Dash added

“… Oh… alright…”

Twilight finally joined in “Wait a minute, we can’t really say for sure that he’s cheating on her – how do we know her husband just happens to know how griffons fuck?”

Rainbow smart-assed “What are you suggesting that her husband has a griffon friend that told him how they fuck too?”

“… No. Wait, uh – yeah, maybe?”

Applejack said “That there would nevah work. Stallions don’t share no sex stories to their cider buddies”

“You don’t know that, you’re not a stallion”

Rainbow turned to Rarity “Hey, you know a lot of stallions – do any share their bed time stories with you?”

“… None at all – how about with you?”

Everyone except Rainbow Dash laughed a little

“Yeah, real funny. Hey, how do griffons have sex anyway?”

Rarity glared at her “Why are you asking me? Do you think I’m a slut or something?”

Twilight turned to Rainbow “Is that serious question?”

She waved her hoof at everyone “Forget about it, forget about it. Hey Pinkie, where’d you get that anyway?”

“What, how griffons have sex?”

“No, the joke. Where’d you get it?”

“I don’t remember. Somebody from Ponyville I think”

“Oh, okay. Thought you just made it up”

“Maybe, I may or may not have asked about how griffons have sex before”

“I’m not asking you that”

Twilight turned to them “Shut the fuck up, about griffons already… We’re on a quest to find Celestia for fucks sake, and you girls are talking about how griffons have sex?”

They all kept quiet for a while until Rainbow spilled the beans “Do you think Celestia knows how they have sex?”

“Really, Rainbow Dash? What’s it to you?”

Applejack asked Rainbow “Are you in sum ‘sorta relationship we dun know about?”

“No, nothing like that! I just have this Griffon friend from way back and I didn’t ask her about it”

Rarity added “That’d be a rather interesting topic to talk about on a first date come to think of it”

Pinkie Pie asked “If Celestia watches Griffons have sex?”

Rainbow Dash told everyone “I wasn’t crushing on her or anything, alright? I’m not gay”

Twilight raised her hoof “Shut up. There it is girls”

Everypony turned to Twilight’s gaze, an old castle laid waste on the other side a few paces away, they’ve reached their destination, they’ve found…

“The Ruins of The Hall of The Elements of Harmony!”

“Try saying that five times in a row” Pinkie Pie said

“We’re here! Finally!” Twilight took off to the castle followed by the other girls. “Twilight, wait for us!” Applejack screamed at her to wait for them but she kept running towards it, she turned back to them, ecstasy burning in her eyes “We’re almost there! W-wha?!” she felt her hooves slip and she lurched backwards to see she was at the end of a cliff, she could feel her body weight tilting towards the chasm until she was pulled back by the tail by Rainbow Dash

“What’s with you and falling cliffs today?”

Twilight looked back at the pit, what used to be a rope bridge suspended over the chasm was cut loose from the other side, blocking their only way through.

“Shit. Now what”

River Dogs

pulp

noun \ˈpəlp\

:  a magazine or book printed on cheap paper (as newsprint) and often dealing with sensational material; also :  sensational or tabloid writing —often used attributively

pulp fiction

noun \ˈpəlp fik-shən\

: fiction dealing with lurid or sensational subjects, often printed on rough, low-quality paper manufactured from wood pulp.

pulp magic

fiction \ˈpəlp ma-jik\

: If Quentin Tarantino wrote My Little Pony

“AAAhh! … Ah! AAAHH!! … AAAAHH!!! AAAAAAAAHHH!...

Hhhh.. hhh… hhh…

AAAAAAHHH!!!..

hh.. –HHH!! – hhh.. hhh…

I can’t believe that bitch shot me! AAAAHH!!! … AHH… ahh…

AAAAHHH!!!! … Oh my… Oh my… Ohh my…

Ahh… Ahhh…

HHHhhhh…

Hah….

Hah..

HAAAAAAHH!! HAAAAAAAAAAHH!!! I’M GONNA DIE APPLEJACK! I’M GONNA DIIIEEE!!! I’M GONNA DIE!”

“Shut up! You’re not gon’ die!”

“I’M BLEEDING!! AAH! I’m gonna die-“

“-Listen to me!”

“-I’m gonna die-“

“-LISTEN to me!”

“-I’m gonna die-‘

“LISTEN! Listen here, Rarity!”

“-gonna die-“

“You’re not gon’ die alright?!”

“-gonna die-“

“Repeat after me sugarcube!”

“-gonna die-“

“You’re NOT gon’ die!”

“-gonna die-“

“Rarity!”

“-a mess – a mess-“

“Rarity!”

“-gonna die a mess-“

“Rarity!”

“-gonna die looking like-“

“RARITY!”

“-I fell down every ugly-“

“SNAP OUT OF IT!”

“-branch of the ugliest-“

“SNAP OUT OF IT!”

“-tree in the middle of the-“

“I SAID SNAP OUT OF IT!”

“… hhh… of… hhh hhh…”

“Shut the FUCK up!”

“hhh…. Hhh….”

“No one’s gonna die here, okay? … cowpony?”

“Hhh… Hhh…”

“No one’s gonna die… … not while I’m taking us out of here, alright?”

“Hhhh…”

“… Don’t try to move… you might fall off my back”

“…. Hahh…”

“Stay calm… We’ll get through this”

“… hahh…. Ha-…. Ahhh… Applejack I’m bleeding”

“Rarity-”

“-I’m bleeding very badly”

“-Rarity!”

“-very very badly, I’m gonna die-“

“RAARITY! …Are you a doctor?!”

“… hh..”

“Are you… are you doctor?”

“… “

“You’re… You’re not a doctor alright?... You’re a designer… A fucking fashion… interior… gobbledygook designer… alright?... you’re not a doctor… you don’t know you’re gonna die… yah hear me?”

“….. hhhh…”

“… We’re gon’ meet everypony back at the stream… and we’ll get you fixed back at Ponyville ya hear?”

“...”

“…”

“… hahh…”

“… Its gon’ be okay, nelly… its gon’ be okay…”

“… ahh…. Ahh… … “

“its gon’ be okay”

She walked until she could see the stream, flowing peacefully unaware of conflict. Its waters pure, untainted. She comes closer, nudging Rarity in tow.

“We made it. You’ll be fine… stay here”

She lowered her back and laid Rarity down next to the current, its scent going up her muzzle. Applejack reached out to the water, she splashed some to her face, reached out again, splashed some to her coat. She tried rubbing off the blood, splashed some more to it. The crimson smudge slowly resembling her familiar light finish.

She laid low next to Rarity curled up to her side. Her blood smeared all over under her coat. She’s still breathing lightly and stopped twitching. A good sign – she’s calming down. Applejack moved closer, she slowly wrapped her head in her hooves. Hazed blue eyes turned to her.

“Bless you darling…” A strong hoof gently stroked her mane. “Bless you for what you’re doing…”

“Shh…” She stroked her mane again. Her chest rising intensely, Rarity tried to speak again

“I lost my nerve back there… Panicked… I’m sorry… I didn’t… didn’t know what came over me…”

“Hush now, sugarc-”

“Applejack-“

She lifted her hoof to her, trying to reach hers. Applejack held her “You’re a good pony – I want… you to sincerely believe that”

“Rarity don’t tire yourse-“

“-Hush – Hush - -“

Applejack kept quiet, waiting for her to continue.

“You and I both know… we won’t reach Ponyville on time…”

“… You… You don’t know that…” She tried to shake that thought away, but she felt Rarity was right.

“And if I don’t get medical attention soon… I’m going to die, Applejack…”

She stopped herself from crying right in front of her, not while her eyes are on her right now “Now  - NOW listen here… alright? … she shot you in the belly… it hurts but it takes weeks to die from one, you understand?” she bowed closer to Rarity “You understand? Time is on your side!”

The pain made it hard for her to keep it steady “I… I see what you’re trying to do…”

“Any minute now they’ll be here… you’ll see…”

It hurt like a motherfucker but she nodded at Applejack. They waited. With Applejack holding her together, finally the sound of hooves approached. They both turned to Rainbow Dash coming from the distance

“Holy shhhit… Sweet Celestia that is fucked up”

“What took you so long?” Applejack called out to Rainbow as she approach

“Don’t ask me what took me so long - I have to fucking lay low coming down here  …. Sweet Celestia…” She gazed at Rarity’s open wound, the blood just pouring all over “Is it bad?”

Applejack glared at her “Compared to what? That Pinkie’s dead, and Fluttershy’s prob’ly lost right out there?”

“Shit” Rainbow started to walk around “How could we have not seen this coming?... She said she had a plan - Everything was supposed to go according to plan… WHERE DID SHE GO WRONG?! … How are we supposed to take down something like that anyway? What are we SOME SORT OF HEROES?!... WHY DID WE EVEN CAME WITH HER ANYWAY?!... WHAT THE FUCK WERE WE THINKING?! … What the fuck was I thinking…”

When Rainbow calmed down a bit, Applejack called out to her “Do you think she’s okay?”

“FUCK HER!” Rainbow stormed towards her “SHE CAN GO FUCK HERSELF! We’re dead Applejack! We got nowhere to go! You know we can’t run from Nightmare moon! She’ll find us in Ponyville, if she doesn’t find us here first that is!” She walked around again “Screw it AJ, we’re dead either way! All because we came on this stupid expedition. Fucking shoulda known better. I could still be at Ponyville right now just flying around like I give a fuck. Celestia Flying Fucks, those kind of fucks. Fucking Elements of Harmony… what was that supposed to do anyway? Jack fucking shit it did. Pieces of shit didn’t work – serves us right believing that book. Only eggheads read books anyway. Fucking Egghead. Fucking whore. Fucking Twilight Sparkle... shit...”

When she finally calmed down, Applejack called out to her again"... So are you gon' give up just like that? That's it? Give yourself up? That ain't the Rainbow Dash ah know"

"Well, the old Rainbow Dash haven't been hunted down by an evil alicorn murderer before, has she? I'd say these turn of events qualify as a no-shame pass for quitting from all these... I mean, shiit. Did you see what she did to Pinkie Pie? Fucking tore her to pieces! TO PIECES - with her alicorn laser beam or something, shit I don't know. Sweet Celestia, could Celestia even do that? Crap... scared the crap out of everybody - Fluttershy flew for her life, fucking pussy - leaving us to ourselves..."

"You're callin' Fluttershy a pussy but why'd ya bother then coming back right here if you're gon' quit? What you want to show us you're chicken first before splitting? Is that it?"

"No-"

"You wanna bitch about who's wrong and who screwed up and blame everyone else first?!"

"N-No-"

"You wanna tell everyone how everyone EXCEPT YOU FUCKED UP EVERYTHING BEFORE TELLING US TO FUCK OFF?!?! WELL - DID YA?!!!"

"NO! ... No... I'm not just gonna leave you guys... Fuck you think I am... some... sort of traitor?"

They both silently stared at each other, as if trying to read each others thoughts. They don't need to be telepaths to know that they agree on one thing though. They turned back to Rarity, perfectly still by the flowing waters. Is she calm and serene? or free and at peace?

"Shit. Is she dead?"

Applejack checked her hoof for a pulse and held her ear to Rarity's muzzle "She's breathing. She just passed out" she let her go and left Rarity to relax "Don't know how long she'll make it... You're right. Maybe we should high tail it outta here and scurry on back to Ponyville"

"Yeah, yeah - you know it, partner"

"But what about the other two? What if they came to this here stream while we're gone?"

"Yeah what if one of us two came while you're both gone?"