My little Hellsing IIby Mr WolfChaptersThe Prank war: Hellsing vs Pinkie,Rainbow and DiscordTerror Tales of PonyvilleMeet the ParentsThe ONE time Alucard did something without being the cause of destruction!The Prank war: Hellsing vs Pinkie,Rainbow and DiscordAlucard strolled lazily down the streets of Ponyville. Ever since his boss, Sir Integra, made him not go on bloodthirsty rampage every time he went out for a walk, things have just been to quiet for him. He wondered how he was gonna bring spice back to his life when suddenly... SPLASH! A water balloon hit him square in the face. As the water dripped down his face, he could see Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash laughing at him and, surprise surprise, water balloons just beside them. "Oh ha ha, at least you get fun." Alucard stated in a boring tone. "Yeah. Though it's kinda nice to see you not blasting off a manticore or changelings head. Flutters is really upset that you did that." Rainbow told the red vampire. Alucard groaned and left on his way to Sugarcube Corner, he had gown a liking to a cupcake called the "Alucards Rage" (Apologies but due to Internet safety laws I am unable to show what happened for Alucard to have that cupcake named after him. When I tried to type it, men in uniform came and said that unless I want to go to jail, I shouldn't type it. Here is a video of ponies sliding through boxes to compensate). Alucard entered Sugarcube Corner an walked over to Mr cake who was busy serving Seras. Turning around, Seras saw her master and smiled. "Master! So nice of you to come." The she-vampire said. "Yeah, just wish that bitch, Integra, let me have my fun. Any way, I'll take the usual Mr Rape." Mr cake just scowled. "For the ten hundred and sixty second time Alucard, it is pronounced Mr Cake!" he then proceeded to give Alucard his named cupcake. At the same time Seras took a bite of her blue frosting cupcake-- BAM! Everyone turned to look in the female vampire's direction as the cloud dissipated from her soot covered face. A look of shock sketched there for all to see. "What?!" At that moment Discord appeared and began to laugh his chaotic tail of (he literally did laugh it off! It also hopped around dressed in a Hawaiian hula outfit). "HA! HA !HA! OH! OH! THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE! PRICELESS!" The mismatched creature howled. Seras however, was not pleased. And pulled her Harkonnen out of a potted plant. "I gave her lessons on how to do that!" Pinkie yelled at the roof. Though everyone just dismissed it as more Pinkie nonsense. (A/N Pinkie, don't break the fourth wall!) "ALRIGHT, GIVE ME A GOOD REASON WHY I SHOULDN'T BLOW YOUR FACE OFF" Seras yelled at the Draconequus. Discord merely smiled. "Because we don't want your boss to be mad at you!" Discord's smug face only caused Seras to growl.(No not in the vampiric way. the teenage girl way!)and so she grabbed hold of Alucard and told him. "We are going to tell Sir Integra that she will let us have our fun!" ******** "No." It was just one word and Seras was completely shocked. Alucard was however enraged. "The last time I let you two have revenge, it led to me to signing sixty eight apology letters for the construction workers union, along with a bill of over 30,000 bits!" Yelled Sir Integra Flashback Sir Integra stood, mouth open, at the destruction that was the Manehattan Natural History Museum. Alucard sat in the seat of a bulldozer whilst Seras was busy blasting at any remaining wreckage, both smiling their toothy grins. Sir Integra just sat behind her desk, holding her head. "Thankfully they saw you coming and evacuated both the ponies and the exhibits." "Well they shouldn't have charged me extra for carrying guns!" Alucard stated. This time his boss stood up and looked him in the eye. "Alucard." She began. "Nothing good can come from revenge. You need to understand that." However, when she sat down she was met with a horrible surprise. POW! In a bang and flash of light, Sir Integra's formal suit had turned into a clown's outfit, make up and all. Even her hair wasn't spared as it was suddenly a mess of orange and red. "WHAT IN THE NAME OF--" Laughter interrupted Sir Integra. The female vampire turned and saw Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash and Discord. All of them clutching their sides as Discord teleported them somewhere. The Head of the Hellsing Organisation turned to her fellow vampires. "FORGET WHAT I SAID ABOUT REVENGE! WE ARE GOING TO PRANK THEM GOOD!" His bosses psychotic smile gave even Alucard the shivers. ******** Rainbow Dash was sleeping up in her cloud when the smoky form of Alucard drifted up under her. Holding buckets of Pink and Red paint, a small paintbrush and a heart-shaped stencil. Good, she's asleep. thought Alucard, and with a mischievous grin, he set to work. ******** Sir Integra looked over to the crate that had "Danger" written allover it. She had doubts that this was a good idea but the memory of the clown prank made her judgement certain. She looked over to the wall-eyed mare over the counter. "I want this delivered to Discord in two hours!". ******** Seras sneaked up behind the tired out Pinkie, who fell asleep five minutes ago after looking after the cake twins. In the female vampires hand, he held a bottle of black hair dye and some hair gell. If anyone was in that room, they would see the fangs of the Vampire. ******** "So let me get this straight, you think that those Hellsing kids did this?" Discord asked. "Think? I know they did this!" Screamed Rainbow Dash. On her flank, where her cutie mark was supposed to be, was a heart that said "I 'heart' Hellsing." Pinkie Pie, looking both sad and angry, had her now-black mane done in an emo style. "Listen I-"There was a knock on Discord's home (Which was actually Fluttershy's old garden shed) and the Draconequus opened the door, revealing a certain wall-eyed mare next to a crate nearly twice her size. "Package for Mr. Discord, Please sign here". Discord did as he was asked and gave Derpy a muffin as a tip. (Sorry just an ordinary muffin). After opening it up he saw the commanding officers of Millennium. "Guten Tag!" Yelled Rip Van Winkle, before she shot Discord in the face. ******** The Prank War went on for a week before Anderson put a stop to it. "All right since my favorite bayonet was nearly destroyed in one your pranks, I'm ending it here. And as much as I hate to say this, but Alucard and his team wins." Rainbow Dash was shocked. "But I thought you hated them!" "They brought back Nazi's that were dead for over millions of years, if you could top that we wouldn't be having this conversation." replied the Paladin. ******** Anderson walked through his home (A lovely mansion which was given by some loyal ponies) and as he walked past his favorite bayonet, he noticed it was Red with the word "ALUCARD" written in black on the blade. Anderson yelled at the sky. "AAAAALLLLUUUUCAAAAARRRRRD!!!!" Terror Tales of PonyvilleIt was Nightmare Night, the night dedicated to the fears and ghouls that haunted Equestia many centuries ago. Dedicated to the restless spirits that would rise and take revenge on those who wronged them. Dedicated to Nightmare Moon, the mare who plotted to turn the world into eternal night. Back then, petrified ponies had mental breakdowns of this on time in each year. Now only laughter and costumed ponies reigned supreme as they held on to the more modern festivities. The new decorations helped out as well as electronic skulls cackled maniacally at trick-or-treaters who approached houses. Stands were set up, each with holiday themed merchandise or games like pumpkin carving, apple bobbing and eating donuts off a string. (A/N: I did that at a party one time) Over at Sugarcube Corner, a wild party, held by the matriarch of parties herself, was in full swing. Though nobody dared to dress up as a vampire for fear of death. Alucard was amongst the guests, dressed in a desperado outfit which he 'rented' from the local tailor (Rarity). Seras was not far behind him, clad in an Cherokee outfit. Sir Integra, dressed as a mummy, was conversing with all four princesses, who more or less came to make sure Alucard did not kill anyone and blame the fact that he thought they were real. Everyone was enjoying themselves, Anderson and his disciples and the officers of Millennium were there too, having brokered a peace with Hellsing to not try and kill each other on two days only: Nightmare Night and Hearths Warming. The officers (consisting of the Major, the Doctor, Schrodinger, Rip van Winkle, the Valentine Brothers, the Dandy Man, the Werewolf and Zorin) were all dressed in German uniforms with spiked helmets, whilst Anderson and his crew were dressed up as the mafia. "All righty everyone!" Came Pinkie's voice over the noise via microphone "It's time for the annual spooky story telling contest. The usual prize as always: A month supply of candy! Our contestants are: Alucard, Alexander Anderson and Major Hanz von Schlüsselberg! Which one would like to come up here?" Alexander Anderson stepped through the crowd and took the device from the pink mare. "All right, now face the wrath of a Catholic Priest, cos' believe it or not we tell terrifying tales." With that, the sociopathic holy man began. **THE DAY OF RAP-TURE** Alexander Anderson and Co. walked down the misty lit street, with no clue on how to get to their destination. Heinkel Wolfe threw up his hands in defeat and frustration. "Father Anderson! We've been walking for hours now. We need to ask for directions." "I know." Came the man's reply. "What do you think I've been searching for, for the past two hours?" He gave heavy grunt before muttering something on mutilating Alucard to get rid of some stress. After another hour of blindly walking on the cobble road, they saw a pony, right next to a boom box, surrounded by a gang of ponies who look to be the townsfolk. "Hey!" Shouted Anderson. "Can you give us some directions?" The pony with the boom box played some rap music before rapping. "Yo, you want to ask me. The world's greatest mc? Then all you got to do is beat me, and then you may go. Though if you lose, then you and your ho's, will no longer be." Heinkel looked to Anderson. "Do we really need to humour this man? I mean he isn't bad but I've heard better." "Well we either beat him or we stay lost in this fog!" the priest turned to the pony. "We accept!" Yumi went first as she was the best out of them in terms of rapping. "All right let me show you how it's done, not going to brag or spoil ya fun. But you're looking at the mistress rhyme, and by the time I'm done ya would've wished you left in time. Don't try to beat me: cos' my woman's intuition say your next verse will end horribly. That is, if ya ain a protestant chicken." The pony smirked and begun. "Now I ain't bein' sexist nor racist, but you two legged women need to get some braces cos' all I saw was a mouth of crooked teeth that just spewed out premature words that couldn't form a coherent speech, ya bitch, why don't you take that butter knife and end yourself." As if on cue, Yumi's sword flew out of her possession and sliced through her body. A beat, then she tumbled into tiny pieces of flesh. The look on the Paladins face was of pure horror, but the Wolfe was of anger and stepped forward. "Ok, my pistol is cocked and loaded and it's aiming at a dumbass which is a tad bit bloated, besides that you will pay, with me blasting you to Swiss before going on my way." The pony scoffed. "You call that a rhyme? There is more creativity in a parasprite! Though you little whore was more of value, but now it's time for me to crush you." A hammer came out of nowhere as the boy was instantly reduced to a bloody pulp of crushed bone and muscle. Anderson, the last one standing, took a step forward. "Look, if ya think ya scary, then don't. I face monstrous heathens that had more fright than you. If ya read my bible you will hear of Christ and Moses. In yer body I will break every single bone. Cos' you killed my compadre's of two and at yer funeral they'll be throwing roses." "Man of God. You sin so dearly. Thinking that all is for Jesus well you think not clearly, and now it's time for you to come home." As the last verse ended, a demonic pit of hell opened up and clawed hands took hold of Anderson, dragging him down as he screamed bloody murder. Everyone one looked at Anderson. "Was this your way of telling us you don't like rapping?" deadpanned Alucard. "Cause if it is... Go do it another time you fucking party pooper!” Anderson grumbled before passing the microphone to the Major, snickering afterwards at remembering his real name. ****The Dollhouse**** The Major and the Doctor was soaked to the bone. They had been on this trail for a month now and they needed to take shelter from the unrelenting rain. Fortune favoured them as they saw an old looking manor. They stepped onto the patio and knocked on the door three times. After a minute, an old man, covered head to toe, with his eyes as the exception, in army uniform. He said nothing, only pointing at a lone door down the hallway. It was a bland red, with dull golden accents. The Major and his companion stepped in. Unaware of the danger that awaits them, they carry on. They reached the end and upon opening the door, three thousand dolls jump out and kill them. Everyone just looked at him and Alucard shouted “OK! WHY YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS SCARY, I HAVE NO IDEA. THE CATHOLIC’S STORY WAS BETTER FOR FUCK SAKE!” Schrodinger just smirked. “It’s because his mommy dress him up as a girl.” Gunshots were made followed by a “YOU’RE DEAD!” as the Major vented his anger. Alucard stepped up and grinned. Everyone knew he had the most traumatising story ever. But they didn’t know what it was. Was it gory? Was it his past? In a clear voice, the red vampire said. “Once upon a time… Pinkie pie found out she was pregnant with Schrodinger’s child…” Alucard munched on a toffee, an entire bag of sweets next to him and seven ponies in the psychiatric ward. Author's Note If anyone has names for the doctor and the werewolf I am all ears. Contest ends 22 November 2016. Meet the Parents"How did Alucard hide an attack helicopter in my castle?" Asked Twilight. "More importantly, where did he get it?" Integra shrugged. "I don't know." They were currently watching Alucard chase down Spoiled Rich in a military grade helicopter after she 'complemented' on his way of life as well as his fashion sense. The whole 'I'm-gonna-kill-you-and-use-your-blood-to-season-my-breakfast' was well known to everyone and Alucard was not unaccustomed to the sneers and comments regarding that. But never, and I mean NEVER, insult the vampire's choice in wardrobe. "PREPARE TO BE KILLED!" Alucard shouted in rage. "I AM NOT GOING BACK ON MY WORDS! YOUR CHOICE OF CLOTHING IS ATROCIOUS!" Spoiled shot back. "BITCH I EAT PEOPLE!" Alucard would have said more had he not needed to avoid a missile that headed right to him. The warhead flew past and demolished a cabbage stand, much to the annoyance of it's owner. When the vampire looked to see where it came from, the source was revealed to be none other than Anderson in an attack helicopter of his own. "Surprised to see me you heathen?" Anderson asked. The crimson vampire laughed. "And here I thought my boner wouldn't get any bigger." "Sieg Heil~" Sang a German voice. The two men looked to where the voice came from and, sure enough, the Major was revealed to be coming at them in an attack helicopter of his own. "This is fun! Why don't I get out more often?" And so began the three way duel between three attack helicopters. Frankly no-one knew what happened as everyone just ignored the trio as they began to fly over the Everfree. Heinkel walked up to Jan Valentine and his brother. "Does that fat bastard ever exercise?" "Nah." Replied the Millennium member. "He tried it once, made everyone lose their lunch." Luke narrowed his eyes. "In any case, shouldn't we doing battle right now?" The Vatican agent just gave a shrug. "I would, but I think the fact that there are attack helicopters being piloted by three of the most mentally questionable people in the world shooting at each other should be violent enough for today." Meanwhile, Twilight and Integra were busy chatting on how it much it was going to cost to repair the damage being done by Alucard. "Whilst there are not many buildings in there, a lot of wildlife could be killed." Explained Twilight. The vampiric Hellsing nodded. "And Fluttershy will no doubt cry about it, Discord becoming mad as a result, and thus resulting in a duel between him and Alucard." "Should we warn Zecora?" "Don't bother, they're coming back over." Twilight looked up and saw three airborne vehicles coming over Sweet Apple Acres. "Ponyfeathers." Twilight nursed the migraine she had received from the Ponyville Town Council when they presented her the forms in regards to the 2 million Bits worth of damages done to the town as well as the construction of three new houses that were destroyed in the fight, the medical bills of over a dozen citizens and a letter from Chrysalis stating she is willing to change her ways, as long as she keeps her original appearance. Just how is she suppose to reform a villain, when there is something as enticing to Chrysalis as hanging out with Alucard? Not to mention how difficult it would be to schedule everything! Her thoughts were interrupted when a pair of blue and white alicorns flew in, looking like as though the world is about to end. "Celestia." Twilight greeted happily. "To wha-" "HIDE US!" Screamed her former mentor. "What?" Celestia grabbed Twilight in her forehooves. "Hide us! The most horrible thing has happened!" Twilight began guessing. "Tirek escaped again!?" The diarchs shook their heads. "Discord has gone back to being evil!?" Nope. "Yakistan declared war on us?" She was ice cold. "Then what?" Luna spoke. "Our parents, King Oranos and Queen Gaia, are coming to visit us." Twilight suppressed a laugh. "That... doesn't sound so bad." "They don't know what happened in the past two thousand years!" Screeched the night princess. "They don't know about Tirek, they don't know about Sombra, they don't know about Discord, they don't know about Nightmare Moon, THEY DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU AND CADANCE AND THEY DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE WEDDING FIASCO WITH THE CHANGLINGS!" "And the worst thing is they want to see what we did with our castle, you know, the one currently sitting wrecked in the Everfree!" Added Celestia. Then the two planets met and an explosion occurred. The parents of the beings who controlled the sun and the moon, coming to Ponyville, where Alucard is. "Oh no." whispered Twilight. "They might run into Alucard." The three of them immediately vomited. A week had passed. Celestia and Luna had written back to their parents, giving them their new address and they would like to explain some things. The plan was that over dinner the two of them would reveal everything that happened in the past two thousand years to their parents. They would then introduce Twilight and Cadance the next day, when the two newest alicorns arrived via balloon. They had made sure that Alucard, or anyone on his hit/enemies list were far, far, FAR away from Canterlot. If worse came to pass, then the damage must be minimal! Alucard would only cause unnecessary 'collateral' damage. But now, it was the time for the moment of truth. Today, King Oranos and Queen Gaia will grace Equestria with their presence for the first time in two millennia. Celestia watched as a ball of light descended from the heavens. She had not seen her parents for so long! She was nervous and excited. The ball touched the courtyard tiles, and the guards present immediately stiffened. Then the light died out, revealing two alicorns, a head higher than Celestia. The first was a dark blue stallion, with crimson and jet black hair which parted to reveal a LARGE horn. On his wings, the feathers ranged from crystal white, to shimmering black, with hints of blue in between. His eyes were a stern, oceanic color, and he had a flat beard protruding from his jaw. His Cutie Mark, was a white blob, with black dots in it. The second one was an earth colored mare, with a green, free flowing mane that matched her olive green eyes. Her horn was a equally long as her husband's and her feathers ranged from dark brown to leafy green. Her Cutie Mark was a tree which was surrounded by light. At the sight of the Princesses, King Oranos smiled. "My dearest daughters! How long tis been since we have last seen thee." His wife chuckled. "Dear, remember what we discussed about using the old tongue?" "But I like it." Pouted Oranos. Celestia and Luna embraced their parents in a hug. It had been so long since the four of them had been together. Breaking the hug, Celestia spoke. "Mother, Father welcome to our current residence. We have much to tell you." Oranos could tell his eldest was hiding something, but he decided it could wait until later. "...and that was how I got Luna back." Celestia finished. The four of them were having dinner and sharing stories. Needless to say, Oranos and Gaia were a bit miffed at their eldest banished her sister and left her fate up to six ordinary ponies. Gaia sighed. "Is there anything else?" "I pray it doesn't have anything to do with my best man at our wedding!" Stated her husband. "Seriously, that guy was a nuisance and menace to society." Celestia and Luna were both intrigued. "Your best man?" "Yes. I can't remember his name but he wore red a lo- What's that sound?" At this point, the Cosmos decided to be a bitch and send an attack helicopter through the walls of the dining hall. I will give you three guesses to who climbed out of the smoldering wreckage. "GOD DAMMIT!" Shouted Alucard as parts of his body reformed. "Stupid Anderson for investing in 'Alucard-seeking-missiles.'" He turned and saw two horrified royals and two annoyed ones. "Hey Oranos! How ya been?" The annoyed king gave a snark comment. "Hey Alucard. I was fine until you showed up again." "What's it been? Five thousand million years since we the wedding?" Two thuds drew their attention to were the rulers of Equestria had fainted and were currently in their salads. "I take it you know those two?" Asked Alucard, gesturing to the unconscious rulers. "Yes, they're my daughters." Replied Oranos. Alucard began to laugh hysterically. "Oh man! You will not believe what happened in the past years or so." And that was how Oranos and his wife learned everything of the last two thousand years from the very person that his daughters didn't want him to meet. As well as grounding Celestia and Luna for a month, with no cake and games. The ONE time Alucard did something without being the cause of destruction!Twilight stared at the three gathered in front of her apprehensively. She really hadn't wanted it to have come to this but she had absolutely no choice. The duty she was to delegate was of importance, and she didn't have time since she had to go up north to the Crystal Empire to help out her brother. Alucard spoke up. "Well, mind telling us what we're here for? I got better things to do like take relaxing 'walks'." "Dare I ask what those walks of yours hold?" Asked a certain draconequus "Shooting, Sexual harassment, death, more shooting and pissing Anderson off." Fluttershy just gave a meek 'eep' at the word death. Twilight groaned. She wanted to reform Chrysalis herself, but duty called and the rest of the Elements were busy. The only one she could count on was Fluttershy and Discord, the latter who knew what it was like to finally have a friend. She only added Alucard in because she thought his sociopathic tendencies would deter the former Changeling queen from committing more evil lest she ends up like him! Oh the horror! "You know, you really should get a different hobby." Stated Discord. "Alright!" Interrupted Twilight. "I gathered you here because I need your help." The vampire smiled. "Say no more! Who's the lucky bastard to die?" "WHAT! NO!" Twilight shouted angrily. "Then why am I here?" "Because, I need your help to reform someone." Fluttershy spoke softly. "Um... no offence Twilight but I don't think that Alucard is the type to reform someone." "I chose him because I think he might be a deterrent." Deadpanned the alicorn. "Who want's to end up like him?" "Fair enough." Twilight turned to Discord. "You're here because you knew what it was like to finally have a friend." "Who are we reforming again?" Alucard asked impatiently. "Queen Chrysalis." Everyone was quiet; Alucard was because he hadn't a clue who she was. "Who?" "Changeling Queen? Tried to take over Equestria?" "Never heard of her." Twilight nursed her head. "Look, just look after her and make her good. Also, please stay out of trouble." "Greetings." came a voice from behind Twilight. She turned around to see Chrysalis there. "I am here to be... reformed." Said Chrysalis, making the last word sound foreign. "Right. These three will help you, since I am needed up north." Twilight said, gesturing her hoof towards the group behind her. "Have fun!" Three days later Twilight stepped off the train in shock. The sight before her was unbelievable, indescribable and incomprehensible. She didn't think that Alucard had it in him, but she was proven wrong. She flew into a rage. "ALUCARD!" She would be having words on why the town of Ponyville is literally a giant pile of rubble. In Twilight's castle, there was a room dedicated to the interrogation of thieves, spies and traitors. It was the classic table-in-the-room-with-a-single-light-above-it gimmick. She wanted to try and discover WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED! But Alucard was making this difficult. "You know, add in a rack and some whips and you got a little sex dungeon." He had said to a blushing Twilight. "Alucard... PLEASE focus! Now tell me what happened!!" Flash back. "So yeah, me Flutters, Chrysi and Discord were going about town, getting stuff and teaching her the ways of... Harmony and friendship. I was busy telling her of my childhood... don't give me that look! I wasn't a raging vampire with a boner my whole life! But yeah... she found it sad how I lost everything due to my brutal life, and how I was painted as a monster for my actions in my adult life. Then this schmuck comes out of nowhere and demands that we hand over Chrysi in the name of 'preserving peace, truth and justice... truth be told I told him to go fuck a nun. Then his friends show up, but Pinkie then threw a 'Super Secret Cult Party' to celebrate them coming around and then us four left them to the mercy of that pink devil. After a while, we saw the Major and his compadres and they were busy shooting at some other cultists..." "Please stop." Interrupted Twilight. "Cultist? Come on... do you really think that I would believe that?" "Ask your shy friend. She saw it." "OK Major!" Snapped Twilight. "What happened?" Flash Back. "Well, it was three twenty in the afternoon when Alucard came by with three of his friends. Me and my fellow Millennials were busy creating a twelve ton bomb so that we may launch an invasion of Cloudsdale... Then we realized the bomb will pass right through and hit some one else... We may love killing but we don't do it willy nilly. Alucard complemented it, saying that 'it's the biggest motherfucker he has seen since Hiroshima' and left after that. Then these weird ponies came along, tripped onto the bomb and blew us up... as well as kill over thirty ponies and reducing the town to rubble. And that's about it." Twilight was shocked. "So you're telling me that Alucard had nothing to do with this!?" "Aside from turning Chrysalis to the side of good following his life story, he basically harmed no-one." Replied the Major. Twilight sighed. "Can this day get anymore stressful?" NEVER JINX YOURSELF KIDS! Spike opened the door. "Uh... Twi? Celestia want's to talk to you, and you need to rebuild the town, and remove the house arrest from Alucard..." Twilight groaned.
The Prank war: Hellsing vs Pinkie,Rainbow and DiscordAlucard strolled lazily down the streets of Ponyville. Ever since his boss, Sir Integra, made him not go on bloodthirsty rampage every time he went out for a walk, things have just been to quiet for him. He wondered how he was gonna bring spice back to his life when suddenly... SPLASH! A water balloon hit him square in the face. As the water dripped down his face, he could see Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash laughing at him and, surprise surprise, water balloons just beside them. "Oh ha ha, at least you get fun." Alucard stated in a boring tone. "Yeah. Though it's kinda nice to see you not blasting off a manticore or changelings head. Flutters is really upset that you did that." Rainbow told the red vampire. Alucard groaned and left on his way to Sugarcube Corner, he had gown a liking to a cupcake called the "Alucards Rage" (Apologies but due to Internet safety laws I am unable to show what happened for Alucard to have that cupcake named after him. When I tried to type it, men in uniform came and said that unless I want to go to jail, I shouldn't type it. Here is a video of ponies sliding through boxes to compensate). Alucard entered Sugarcube Corner an walked over to Mr cake who was busy serving Seras. Turning around, Seras saw her master and smiled. "Master! So nice of you to come." The she-vampire said. "Yeah, just wish that bitch, Integra, let me have my fun. Any way, I'll take the usual Mr Rape." Mr cake just scowled. "For the ten hundred and sixty second time Alucard, it is pronounced Mr Cake!" he then proceeded to give Alucard his named cupcake. At the same time Seras took a bite of her blue frosting cupcake-- BAM! Everyone turned to look in the female vampire's direction as the cloud dissipated from her soot covered face. A look of shock sketched there for all to see. "What?!" At that moment Discord appeared and began to laugh his chaotic tail of (he literally did laugh it off! It also hopped around dressed in a Hawaiian hula outfit). "HA! HA !HA! OH! OH! THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE! PRICELESS!" The mismatched creature howled. Seras however, was not pleased. And pulled her Harkonnen out of a potted plant. "I gave her lessons on how to do that!" Pinkie yelled at the roof. Though everyone just dismissed it as more Pinkie nonsense. (A/N Pinkie, don't break the fourth wall!) "ALRIGHT, GIVE ME A GOOD REASON WHY I SHOULDN'T BLOW YOUR FACE OFF" Seras yelled at the Draconequus. Discord merely smiled. "Because we don't want your boss to be mad at you!" Discord's smug face only caused Seras to growl.(No not in the vampiric way. the teenage girl way!)and so she grabbed hold of Alucard and told him. "We are going to tell Sir Integra that she will let us have our fun!" ******** "No." It was just one word and Seras was completely shocked. Alucard was however enraged. "The last time I let you two have revenge, it led to me to signing sixty eight apology letters for the construction workers union, along with a bill of over 30,000 bits!" Yelled Sir Integra Flashback Sir Integra stood, mouth open, at the destruction that was the Manehattan Natural History Museum. Alucard sat in the seat of a bulldozer whilst Seras was busy blasting at any remaining wreckage, both smiling their toothy grins. Sir Integra just sat behind her desk, holding her head. "Thankfully they saw you coming and evacuated both the ponies and the exhibits." "Well they shouldn't have charged me extra for carrying guns!" Alucard stated. This time his boss stood up and looked him in the eye. "Alucard." She began. "Nothing good can come from revenge. You need to understand that." However, when she sat down she was met with a horrible surprise. POW! In a bang and flash of light, Sir Integra's formal suit had turned into a clown's outfit, make up and all. Even her hair wasn't spared as it was suddenly a mess of orange and red. "WHAT IN THE NAME OF--" Laughter interrupted Sir Integra. The female vampire turned and saw Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash and Discord. All of them clutching their sides as Discord teleported them somewhere. The Head of the Hellsing Organisation turned to her fellow vampires. "FORGET WHAT I SAID ABOUT REVENGE! WE ARE GOING TO PRANK THEM GOOD!" His bosses psychotic smile gave even Alucard the shivers. ******** Rainbow Dash was sleeping up in her cloud when the smoky form of Alucard drifted up under her. Holding buckets of Pink and Red paint, a small paintbrush and a heart-shaped stencil. Good, she's asleep. thought Alucard, and with a mischievous grin, he set to work. ******** Sir Integra looked over to the crate that had "Danger" written allover it. She had doubts that this was a good idea but the memory of the clown prank made her judgement certain. She looked over to the wall-eyed mare over the counter. "I want this delivered to Discord in two hours!". ******** Seras sneaked up behind the tired out Pinkie, who fell asleep five minutes ago after looking after the cake twins. In the female vampires hand, he held a bottle of black hair dye and some hair gell. If anyone was in that room, they would see the fangs of the Vampire. ******** "So let me get this straight, you think that those Hellsing kids did this?" Discord asked. "Think? I know they did this!" Screamed Rainbow Dash. On her flank, where her cutie mark was supposed to be, was a heart that said "I 'heart' Hellsing." Pinkie Pie, looking both sad and angry, had her now-black mane done in an emo style. "Listen I-"There was a knock on Discord's home (Which was actually Fluttershy's old garden shed) and the Draconequus opened the door, revealing a certain wall-eyed mare next to a crate nearly twice her size. "Package for Mr. Discord, Please sign here". Discord did as he was asked and gave Derpy a muffin as a tip. (Sorry just an ordinary muffin). After opening it up he saw the commanding officers of Millennium. "Guten Tag!" Yelled Rip Van Winkle, before she shot Discord in the face. ******** The Prank War went on for a week before Anderson put a stop to it. "All right since my favorite bayonet was nearly destroyed in one your pranks, I'm ending it here. And as much as I hate to say this, but Alucard and his team wins." Rainbow Dash was shocked. "But I thought you hated them!" "They brought back Nazi's that were dead for over millions of years, if you could top that we wouldn't be having this conversation." replied the Paladin. ******** Anderson walked through his home (A lovely mansion which was given by some loyal ponies) and as he walked past his favorite bayonet, he noticed it was Red with the word "ALUCARD" written in black on the blade. Anderson yelled at the sky. "AAAAALLLLUUUUCAAAAARRRRRD!!!!"
Terror Tales of PonyvilleIt was Nightmare Night, the night dedicated to the fears and ghouls that haunted Equestia many centuries ago. Dedicated to the restless spirits that would rise and take revenge on those who wronged them. Dedicated to Nightmare Moon, the mare who plotted to turn the world into eternal night. Back then, petrified ponies had mental breakdowns of this on time in each year. Now only laughter and costumed ponies reigned supreme as they held on to the more modern festivities. The new decorations helped out as well as electronic skulls cackled maniacally at trick-or-treaters who approached houses. Stands were set up, each with holiday themed merchandise or games like pumpkin carving, apple bobbing and eating donuts off a string. (A/N: I did that at a party one time) Over at Sugarcube Corner, a wild party, held by the matriarch of parties herself, was in full swing. Though nobody dared to dress up as a vampire for fear of death. Alucard was amongst the guests, dressed in a desperado outfit which he 'rented' from the local tailor (Rarity). Seras was not far behind him, clad in an Cherokee outfit. Sir Integra, dressed as a mummy, was conversing with all four princesses, who more or less came to make sure Alucard did not kill anyone and blame the fact that he thought they were real. Everyone was enjoying themselves, Anderson and his disciples and the officers of Millennium were there too, having brokered a peace with Hellsing to not try and kill each other on two days only: Nightmare Night and Hearths Warming. The officers (consisting of the Major, the Doctor, Schrodinger, Rip van Winkle, the Valentine Brothers, the Dandy Man, the Werewolf and Zorin) were all dressed in German uniforms with spiked helmets, whilst Anderson and his crew were dressed up as the mafia. "All righty everyone!" Came Pinkie's voice over the noise via microphone "It's time for the annual spooky story telling contest. The usual prize as always: A month supply of candy! Our contestants are: Alucard, Alexander Anderson and Major Hanz von Schlüsselberg! Which one would like to come up here?" Alexander Anderson stepped through the crowd and took the device from the pink mare. "All right, now face the wrath of a Catholic Priest, cos' believe it or not we tell terrifying tales." With that, the sociopathic holy man began. **THE DAY OF RAP-TURE** Alexander Anderson and Co. walked down the misty lit street, with no clue on how to get to their destination. Heinkel Wolfe threw up his hands in defeat and frustration. "Father Anderson! We've been walking for hours now. We need to ask for directions." "I know." Came the man's reply. "What do you think I've been searching for, for the past two hours?" He gave heavy grunt before muttering something on mutilating Alucard to get rid of some stress. After another hour of blindly walking on the cobble road, they saw a pony, right next to a boom box, surrounded by a gang of ponies who look to be the townsfolk. "Hey!" Shouted Anderson. "Can you give us some directions?" The pony with the boom box played some rap music before rapping. "Yo, you want to ask me. The world's greatest mc? Then all you got to do is beat me, and then you may go. Though if you lose, then you and your ho's, will no longer be." Heinkel looked to Anderson. "Do we really need to humour this man? I mean he isn't bad but I've heard better." "Well we either beat him or we stay lost in this fog!" the priest turned to the pony. "We accept!" Yumi went first as she was the best out of them in terms of rapping. "All right let me show you how it's done, not going to brag or spoil ya fun. But you're looking at the mistress rhyme, and by the time I'm done ya would've wished you left in time. Don't try to beat me: cos' my woman's intuition say your next verse will end horribly. That is, if ya ain a protestant chicken." The pony smirked and begun. "Now I ain't bein' sexist nor racist, but you two legged women need to get some braces cos' all I saw was a mouth of crooked teeth that just spewed out premature words that couldn't form a coherent speech, ya bitch, why don't you take that butter knife and end yourself." As if on cue, Yumi's sword flew out of her possession and sliced through her body. A beat, then she tumbled into tiny pieces of flesh. The look on the Paladins face was of pure horror, but the Wolfe was of anger and stepped forward. "Ok, my pistol is cocked and loaded and it's aiming at a dumbass which is a tad bit bloated, besides that you will pay, with me blasting you to Swiss before going on my way." The pony scoffed. "You call that a rhyme? There is more creativity in a parasprite! Though you little whore was more of value, but now it's time for me to crush you." A hammer came out of nowhere as the boy was instantly reduced to a bloody pulp of crushed bone and muscle. Anderson, the last one standing, took a step forward. "Look, if ya think ya scary, then don't. I face monstrous heathens that had more fright than you. If ya read my bible you will hear of Christ and Moses. In yer body I will break every single bone. Cos' you killed my compadre's of two and at yer funeral they'll be throwing roses." "Man of God. You sin so dearly. Thinking that all is for Jesus well you think not clearly, and now it's time for you to come home." As the last verse ended, a demonic pit of hell opened up and clawed hands took hold of Anderson, dragging him down as he screamed bloody murder. Everyone one looked at Anderson. "Was this your way of telling us you don't like rapping?" deadpanned Alucard. "Cause if it is... Go do it another time you fucking party pooper!” Anderson grumbled before passing the microphone to the Major, snickering afterwards at remembering his real name. ****The Dollhouse**** The Major and the Doctor was soaked to the bone. They had been on this trail for a month now and they needed to take shelter from the unrelenting rain. Fortune favoured them as they saw an old looking manor. They stepped onto the patio and knocked on the door three times. After a minute, an old man, covered head to toe, with his eyes as the exception, in army uniform. He said nothing, only pointing at a lone door down the hallway. It was a bland red, with dull golden accents. The Major and his companion stepped in. Unaware of the danger that awaits them, they carry on. They reached the end and upon opening the door, three thousand dolls jump out and kill them. Everyone just looked at him and Alucard shouted “OK! WHY YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS SCARY, I HAVE NO IDEA. THE CATHOLIC’S STORY WAS BETTER FOR FUCK SAKE!” Schrodinger just smirked. “It’s because his mommy dress him up as a girl.” Gunshots were made followed by a “YOU’RE DEAD!” as the Major vented his anger. Alucard stepped up and grinned. Everyone knew he had the most traumatising story ever. But they didn’t know what it was. Was it gory? Was it his past? In a clear voice, the red vampire said. “Once upon a time… Pinkie pie found out she was pregnant with Schrodinger’s child…” Alucard munched on a toffee, an entire bag of sweets next to him and seven ponies in the psychiatric ward. Author's Note If anyone has names for the doctor and the werewolf I am all ears. Contest ends 22 November 2016.
Meet the Parents"How did Alucard hide an attack helicopter in my castle?" Asked Twilight. "More importantly, where did he get it?" Integra shrugged. "I don't know." They were currently watching Alucard chase down Spoiled Rich in a military grade helicopter after she 'complemented' on his way of life as well as his fashion sense. The whole 'I'm-gonna-kill-you-and-use-your-blood-to-season-my-breakfast' was well known to everyone and Alucard was not unaccustomed to the sneers and comments regarding that. But never, and I mean NEVER, insult the vampire's choice in wardrobe. "PREPARE TO BE KILLED!" Alucard shouted in rage. "I AM NOT GOING BACK ON MY WORDS! YOUR CHOICE OF CLOTHING IS ATROCIOUS!" Spoiled shot back. "BITCH I EAT PEOPLE!" Alucard would have said more had he not needed to avoid a missile that headed right to him. The warhead flew past and demolished a cabbage stand, much to the annoyance of it's owner. When the vampire looked to see where it came from, the source was revealed to be none other than Anderson in an attack helicopter of his own. "Surprised to see me you heathen?" Anderson asked. The crimson vampire laughed. "And here I thought my boner wouldn't get any bigger." "Sieg Heil~" Sang a German voice. The two men looked to where the voice came from and, sure enough, the Major was revealed to be coming at them in an attack helicopter of his own. "This is fun! Why don't I get out more often?" And so began the three way duel between three attack helicopters. Frankly no-one knew what happened as everyone just ignored the trio as they began to fly over the Everfree. Heinkel walked up to Jan Valentine and his brother. "Does that fat bastard ever exercise?" "Nah." Replied the Millennium member. "He tried it once, made everyone lose their lunch." Luke narrowed his eyes. "In any case, shouldn't we doing battle right now?" The Vatican agent just gave a shrug. "I would, but I think the fact that there are attack helicopters being piloted by three of the most mentally questionable people in the world shooting at each other should be violent enough for today." Meanwhile, Twilight and Integra were busy chatting on how it much it was going to cost to repair the damage being done by Alucard. "Whilst there are not many buildings in there, a lot of wildlife could be killed." Explained Twilight. The vampiric Hellsing nodded. "And Fluttershy will no doubt cry about it, Discord becoming mad as a result, and thus resulting in a duel between him and Alucard." "Should we warn Zecora?" "Don't bother, they're coming back over." Twilight looked up and saw three airborne vehicles coming over Sweet Apple Acres. "Ponyfeathers." Twilight nursed the migraine she had received from the Ponyville Town Council when they presented her the forms in regards to the 2 million Bits worth of damages done to the town as well as the construction of three new houses that were destroyed in the fight, the medical bills of over a dozen citizens and a letter from Chrysalis stating she is willing to change her ways, as long as she keeps her original appearance. Just how is she suppose to reform a villain, when there is something as enticing to Chrysalis as hanging out with Alucard? Not to mention how difficult it would be to schedule everything! Her thoughts were interrupted when a pair of blue and white alicorns flew in, looking like as though the world is about to end. "Celestia." Twilight greeted happily. "To wha-" "HIDE US!" Screamed her former mentor. "What?" Celestia grabbed Twilight in her forehooves. "Hide us! The most horrible thing has happened!" Twilight began guessing. "Tirek escaped again!?" The diarchs shook their heads. "Discord has gone back to being evil!?" Nope. "Yakistan declared war on us?" She was ice cold. "Then what?" Luna spoke. "Our parents, King Oranos and Queen Gaia, are coming to visit us." Twilight suppressed a laugh. "That... doesn't sound so bad." "They don't know what happened in the past two thousand years!" Screeched the night princess. "They don't know about Tirek, they don't know about Sombra, they don't know about Discord, they don't know about Nightmare Moon, THEY DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU AND CADANCE AND THEY DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE WEDDING FIASCO WITH THE CHANGLINGS!" "And the worst thing is they want to see what we did with our castle, you know, the one currently sitting wrecked in the Everfree!" Added Celestia. Then the two planets met and an explosion occurred. The parents of the beings who controlled the sun and the moon, coming to Ponyville, where Alucard is. "Oh no." whispered Twilight. "They might run into Alucard." The three of them immediately vomited. A week had passed. Celestia and Luna had written back to their parents, giving them their new address and they would like to explain some things. The plan was that over dinner the two of them would reveal everything that happened in the past two thousand years to their parents. They would then introduce Twilight and Cadance the next day, when the two newest alicorns arrived via balloon. They had made sure that Alucard, or anyone on his hit/enemies list were far, far, FAR away from Canterlot. If worse came to pass, then the damage must be minimal! Alucard would only cause unnecessary 'collateral' damage. But now, it was the time for the moment of truth. Today, King Oranos and Queen Gaia will grace Equestria with their presence for the first time in two millennia. Celestia watched as a ball of light descended from the heavens. She had not seen her parents for so long! She was nervous and excited. The ball touched the courtyard tiles, and the guards present immediately stiffened. Then the light died out, revealing two alicorns, a head higher than Celestia. The first was a dark blue stallion, with crimson and jet black hair which parted to reveal a LARGE horn. On his wings, the feathers ranged from crystal white, to shimmering black, with hints of blue in between. His eyes were a stern, oceanic color, and he had a flat beard protruding from his jaw. His Cutie Mark, was a white blob, with black dots in it. The second one was an earth colored mare, with a green, free flowing mane that matched her olive green eyes. Her horn was a equally long as her husband's and her feathers ranged from dark brown to leafy green. Her Cutie Mark was a tree which was surrounded by light. At the sight of the Princesses, King Oranos smiled. "My dearest daughters! How long tis been since we have last seen thee." His wife chuckled. "Dear, remember what we discussed about using the old tongue?" "But I like it." Pouted Oranos. Celestia and Luna embraced their parents in a hug. It had been so long since the four of them had been together. Breaking the hug, Celestia spoke. "Mother, Father welcome to our current residence. We have much to tell you." Oranos could tell his eldest was hiding something, but he decided it could wait until later. "...and that was how I got Luna back." Celestia finished. The four of them were having dinner and sharing stories. Needless to say, Oranos and Gaia were a bit miffed at their eldest banished her sister and left her fate up to six ordinary ponies. Gaia sighed. "Is there anything else?" "I pray it doesn't have anything to do with my best man at our wedding!" Stated her husband. "Seriously, that guy was a nuisance and menace to society." Celestia and Luna were both intrigued. "Your best man?" "Yes. I can't remember his name but he wore red a lo- What's that sound?" At this point, the Cosmos decided to be a bitch and send an attack helicopter through the walls of the dining hall. I will give you three guesses to who climbed out of the smoldering wreckage. "GOD DAMMIT!" Shouted Alucard as parts of his body reformed. "Stupid Anderson for investing in 'Alucard-seeking-missiles.'" He turned and saw two horrified royals and two annoyed ones. "Hey Oranos! How ya been?" The annoyed king gave a snark comment. "Hey Alucard. I was fine until you showed up again." "What's it been? Five thousand million years since we the wedding?" Two thuds drew their attention to were the rulers of Equestria had fainted and were currently in their salads. "I take it you know those two?" Asked Alucard, gesturing to the unconscious rulers. "Yes, they're my daughters." Replied Oranos. Alucard began to laugh hysterically. "Oh man! You will not believe what happened in the past years or so." And that was how Oranos and his wife learned everything of the last two thousand years from the very person that his daughters didn't want him to meet. As well as grounding Celestia and Luna for a month, with no cake and games.
The ONE time Alucard did something without being the cause of destruction!Twilight stared at the three gathered in front of her apprehensively. She really hadn't wanted it to have come to this but she had absolutely no choice. The duty she was to delegate was of importance, and she didn't have time since she had to go up north to the Crystal Empire to help out her brother. Alucard spoke up. "Well, mind telling us what we're here for? I got better things to do like take relaxing 'walks'." "Dare I ask what those walks of yours hold?" Asked a certain draconequus "Shooting, Sexual harassment, death, more shooting and pissing Anderson off." Fluttershy just gave a meek 'eep' at the word death. Twilight groaned. She wanted to reform Chrysalis herself, but duty called and the rest of the Elements were busy. The only one she could count on was Fluttershy and Discord, the latter who knew what it was like to finally have a friend. She only added Alucard in because she thought his sociopathic tendencies would deter the former Changeling queen from committing more evil lest she ends up like him! Oh the horror! "You know, you really should get a different hobby." Stated Discord. "Alright!" Interrupted Twilight. "I gathered you here because I need your help." The vampire smiled. "Say no more! Who's the lucky bastard to die?" "WHAT! NO!" Twilight shouted angrily. "Then why am I here?" "Because, I need your help to reform someone." Fluttershy spoke softly. "Um... no offence Twilight but I don't think that Alucard is the type to reform someone." "I chose him because I think he might be a deterrent." Deadpanned the alicorn. "Who want's to end up like him?" "Fair enough." Twilight turned to Discord. "You're here because you knew what it was like to finally have a friend." "Who are we reforming again?" Alucard asked impatiently. "Queen Chrysalis." Everyone was quiet; Alucard was because he hadn't a clue who she was. "Who?" "Changeling Queen? Tried to take over Equestria?" "Never heard of her." Twilight nursed her head. "Look, just look after her and make her good. Also, please stay out of trouble." "Greetings." came a voice from behind Twilight. She turned around to see Chrysalis there. "I am here to be... reformed." Said Chrysalis, making the last word sound foreign. "Right. These three will help you, since I am needed up north." Twilight said, gesturing her hoof towards the group behind her. "Have fun!" Three days later Twilight stepped off the train in shock. The sight before her was unbelievable, indescribable and incomprehensible. She didn't think that Alucard had it in him, but she was proven wrong. She flew into a rage. "ALUCARD!" She would be having words on why the town of Ponyville is literally a giant pile of rubble. In Twilight's castle, there was a room dedicated to the interrogation of thieves, spies and traitors. It was the classic table-in-the-room-with-a-single-light-above-it gimmick. She wanted to try and discover WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED! But Alucard was making this difficult. "You know, add in a rack and some whips and you got a little sex dungeon." He had said to a blushing Twilight. "Alucard... PLEASE focus! Now tell me what happened!!" Flash back. "So yeah, me Flutters, Chrysi and Discord were going about town, getting stuff and teaching her the ways of... Harmony and friendship. I was busy telling her of my childhood... don't give me that look! I wasn't a raging vampire with a boner my whole life! But yeah... she found it sad how I lost everything due to my brutal life, and how I was painted as a monster for my actions in my adult life. Then this schmuck comes out of nowhere and demands that we hand over Chrysi in the name of 'preserving peace, truth and justice... truth be told I told him to go fuck a nun. Then his friends show up, but Pinkie then threw a 'Super Secret Cult Party' to celebrate them coming around and then us four left them to the mercy of that pink devil. After a while, we saw the Major and his compadres and they were busy shooting at some other cultists..." "Please stop." Interrupted Twilight. "Cultist? Come on... do you really think that I would believe that?" "Ask your shy friend. She saw it." "OK Major!" Snapped Twilight. "What happened?" Flash Back. "Well, it was three twenty in the afternoon when Alucard came by with three of his friends. Me and my fellow Millennials were busy creating a twelve ton bomb so that we may launch an invasion of Cloudsdale... Then we realized the bomb will pass right through and hit some one else... We may love killing but we don't do it willy nilly. Alucard complemented it, saying that 'it's the biggest motherfucker he has seen since Hiroshima' and left after that. Then these weird ponies came along, tripped onto the bomb and blew us up... as well as kill over thirty ponies and reducing the town to rubble. And that's about it." Twilight was shocked. "So you're telling me that Alucard had nothing to do with this!?" "Aside from turning Chrysalis to the side of good following his life story, he basically harmed no-one." Replied the Major. Twilight sighed. "Can this day get anymore stressful?" NEVER JINX YOURSELF KIDS! Spike opened the door. "Uh... Twi? Celestia want's to talk to you, and you need to rebuild the town, and remove the house arrest from Alucard..." Twilight groaned.
