My Most Excellent Time In Equestria
Before you my dear readers is the memoirs of a series of adventures which I had on the planet of Equestria. You see. when I first landed on that backwater planet I actually had no idea what where I was. All I knew was that I was lost, nay, stranded on the space age equivalent of a deserted island. I was light years away from my course, and I doubted that, if there were ponies there, that they could actually help me out in my dire circumstance. However, with the pride which befits a Captain of his own starship, I Duke Thunderhoof, began exploring this strange new world.
When I first arrived on Equestria I had apparently crashed landed in a grove of apple trees. I knew that because, well, obviously, there was the heavy scent of apples in the air and of course, I could actually see the apples themselves. It doesn't take much, but observation does help distinguish the officers from the common ranks. It was what helped me when I made the smuggling run on Abroro VI, evading the enemy's blockade of the planet and delivering carrots just in time to lift the siege. I gave the Dolphin an extra metallic silver coating on her hull and added a bright new sapphire to my Dolphin's eye and a fresh coat of wax to commemorate the huge winnings I earned from my cousins who bet that I'd never have the guts to break that blockade. Anyways, my sweet baby. got hit by an asteroid and it caused me to crash land right in what appeared to be an apple farm. It looked as if the highest level of technology which these ponies had reached was the wheel and the plow. However I, ever optimistic, proceeded out of my ship with my usual confident swagger. By this time the ramp had hydraulically lowered itself in a fit full of steam, I added the steam for a special affect which I always found rewarding and made a great first impression. On my lower left leg I wore a scanner which told me that the air was safe to breathe, and, upon taking off my helmet, I raised one arm and shouted "Greetings, ponies of this planet! I come in peace!"
I looked around, and saw no one. Suddenly, and from out of nowhere, an earth pony galloped past me, did an about face, and bucked the apple tree closest to my ship. Down fell the apples into little buckets, and another pony proceeded to gather them. I began again "Um...excuse me..."
But they kept working. Ignoring, well, me! The nerve of these ponies. I guess that I would have to go to drastic measures. I pressed a button on my space suit, and it activated a built in megaphone "Ponies of this planet," I began. That got their attention. The pony who was apple bucking skidded to a halt so suddenly she nearly ran into a tree. The big red pony, dropped his buckets on a smaller one at his feet and looked up at me. The smaller one after recovering said "Big Mac, what are you..." and then, following his gaze, her eyes became fixed on me. I began again "Ponies of this planet, I come in peace. I mean you no harm. Can you help me?"
The one which skidded to a halt spoke first "Who are you?"
"I am Duke Thunderhoof and Captain of this ship," I said. She came closer. I didn't know if these ponies could only hear me while I had the megaphone on, so I continued "I crash landed on this planet and my ship is in need of repair. If you could direct me to the next closest space port or starship factory, that would be greatly appreciated. My ship is in need of some drastic repairs to her engine."
"I can hear ya, just fine," the earth pony shouted back to me "you can switch off that gizmo you got there and talk normal like."
I did as I was told, you know the old saying when in Rome. I still continued to speak but i still wasn't sure about the volume "Do you know where I can get help?" I bellowed. The earth pony, only slightly exasperated shouted back "I said, you can talk normal like!"
"What is normal like for you?" I asked in an equally loud tone of voice. I was beginning to get confused. Were these ponies permanently deaf or something? Or had I just been in space for too long and used to ponies who had artificial implants.
"I mean," she began but the smaller one interrupted "What my sister means," she said in a drastically comparatively lower tone of voice "is that you can talk all normal. Like how we usually do."
"Oh," I said chuckling "I see...hmmm...what is your name...uh...little..."
"Applebloom," she said matter of factly "and this here's Applejack, and there's Big Mac over there."
They all came together and...well...smiled at me. I didn't know if I should run, start shooting, or smile back. Very rarely was I greeted so, usually I just shot first and asked questions later...with no regrets, obviously. That's why I developed a reputation as the fastest quickdraw in the galaxy. My sweet puppy was a J-42 blaster ray which had a five round blaster burst and a collapsible stock. I modified it so that it had a selector switch, a two power zoom in scope, a silencer, and built in grenade launcher. The stock wasn't fully extended until I pressed a button on the grip, which meant that it remained pistol size and could be easily wielded or concealed. I also sported a jet pack, a rocket launcher on both of my wrists with the right one sporting a flame thrower, and a dashing red uniform. Knowing that I could easily turn the big guy into a crisp, the kill the medium one before anyone could blink, and vaporize the smallest one, I decided to play it cool. I wasn't outgunned, yet. You need to remember my dear readers that in negotiations, it's always best to talk quietly but always carry a rocket launcher while you're doing it.
I began to speak again "That's very nice, are you all related?"
"Yup," Apple-thingy said. They all had similar names, except the big guy, I kept a watchful eye on him. I'd met aliens who could rip your hooves off without even blinking, and he reminded me of one I met on the fourth moon of Kale. I didn't like the planet, just like I loathed the vegetable "wanna join us for some lunch?"
"Well," I said "I actually do need to get back to my ship and..."
"That's alright," Apple...bloom....Applebloom said "we can fix it tomorrow!"
"I doubt that little darlin'," I said giving her my award winning smile. I had augmented my teeth so that my upper rear left molar flashed whenever I winked. Once again readers, for diplomacy's sake, you need as much flare as you can muster. I decided to follow the best course of action in this given situation, but before I could HRD-69 appeared at my elbow "HELLO SIR," he said holding out a silver platter with a martini glass on it "HERE IS YOUR PAN GALACTIC GARGLE BLASTER AS YOU ORDERED."
The other ponies gasped and then, without even acting surprised I said "Thank you 69, um, you forgot one thing."
"WHAT IS IT THAT I FORGOT SIR?"
I gestured towards the drink and he then proceeded to take an olive, and stab it with an umbrella tooth pick after he opened it. I took it from him "Ah," I said "that's much better."
"I HOPE YOU FIND THE DRINK VERY MUCH TO YOUR SATISFACTORY LEVEL, SHARE AND ENJOY," he said before disappearing back onto the ship on his rollers.
"What in tarnation was that?" Applejack said. It was easier to remember her name because she's named after one of my all time favorite beverages, the '27, remember that. "Oh him?" I said gesturing back towards to the ship. That's HRD-69. He's a good chap and just made me this fabulous drink. Rather indispensable at times."
I downed the drink and threw it over my shoulder. "Well," I said grinning down at all three of them "let's get to lunch."
Many of you readers who are currently enjoying this little escapade are wondering why I haven't yet succumbed to the after shock affects of a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. Well, you first make one, and then you'll know that it's impossible, except, if you're me, which is one of the six most impossible things which I've done in my life time and therefore qualifies me to dine at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe. Mine is table seventy three, right next to my old buddy Thor of Asgard and a close personal friend, the Great Prophet Zarquon. You also maybe wondering where exactly I'm going with this, and I'll actually tell you, right now. You see, most author's wouldn't give you this kind of insight. They treat their plots as if they're some kind of secret scheme which they are conniving or pontificating. But that's not me. Yes sir, I, Captain Duke Thunderhoof, treat my readers better than you're average author. You see, I was under the impression that this was a household dominated by the fillies, and if that was the case, then I could certainly woo my way out of what may turn into a drastic situation. Lunch you ask? how dangerous can lunch be? Well, have you ever been on a lunch date reader? If so, then that solves the mystery of why you were friend-zoned all these years. When it comes to charming the gals dear reader, there's nothing quite like a good wooing to get someone, but it's all about timing. Just like how I perfectly timed that shot to kill a giant eight legged Heroto beast as I was clutched in one of his murderous claws and took his harem for my own, you need to have the perfect moment to swoop right in and get a home run. Yes readers, to answer my earlier question, I, who had drunk many a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster in my youth, was already used to it's after affects. But I was saving them for the right moment to generate sympathy, and warm feelings of affection from my benefactor. Namely, Applejack. However, one thing you need to remember readers, and especially, all of you single readers. Always, and I mean ALWAYS, hold back if the girl you are wooing has a hotter best friend...or two...or several. As you'll soon find out.