This Is An Absolutely Awful Fanfiction.
Ponyville glimmered in Celestia’s sunlight as ponies made their way through the town. Each and every pony in Ponyville had something to do or somewhere to be that day. For most, it was another saturday - or was it a tuesday? Oh, it doesn’t matter, no one cares what day it is; they just care about what they’re doing that unnamed day.
On this day, the Cakes made cakes. Rainbow Dash dashed. Fluttershy fluttered. Twilight Sparkle did not sparkle, but she did study. Applejack jacked some apples, whatever that means. Even Rarity had something to do, though her somethings usually involved far too much needless drama to go into in this story where she’s not even the main character.
That’s right! The main character is none other than -
“ME!”
Pinkie giggled as she bounced her way up the street, a rather large… thing on her back. Ponies stared at her as she went, wide eyed and confused. One mare cried out, “I’m scared and disoriented!” before promptly fainting. Pinkie shrugged, recognizing her as one of the flower girls. Fainting was totally normal.
Pinkie Pie was used to the attention she received today.
“But it’s not MY attention today,” she said with a big smile.
Right Pinkie was. The attention, while usually on her, was on the strange thing on her back. Ponies watched it closely. It was certainly a thing. What that thing was, they weren’t sure, but if it was Pinkie Pie’s, many could hazard a guess.
“I thought it was just another party tool,” one pony said in a later interview by the Royal Guards as they investigated the disappearance. “You know, maybe a game or something that she had made, or another party cannon or something.”
“I recognized it the instant I saw it,” a local time keeper was reported as saying. “That is, I thought I recognized it. I’m not positive, but it looked dreadfully like the portal I saw as a young foal. You see, I had an awful experience as a foal involving thinking with portals and a toy drum set. After that moment, I dedicated my life tooo- My word, is it that time already? I must be off!”
“I just don’t know what it is,” the town’s mail mare said.
Only one pony got close to the truth. “IT IS A WALL,” Bulk Biceps said at a later date - about a week after the incident.
But, back to the present/past, Pinkie was gleefully bouncing her way to Twilight Sparkle’s house. She hummed and giggled with joy. “I can’t wait for Twilight to see this! She’ll be so surprised!”
She craned her neck around, looking at the thing on her back. “I can’t believe I finally found you! Well, actually, I DO believe I actually found you, because you’re on my back, and it’s all thanks to that silly writing prompt!” She giggled again, her head swiveling back to where it belonged. Ponies who were unfortunate enough to witness this disturbing feat later went into intensive therapy, with a few stints in a mental health institute. Heads just weren’t meant to bend that direction.
Pinkie talked as she walked, her mind wandering to other things. “Of course,” she was saying, “I guess it’s sort of not because of that prompt, though. Cause that prompt only came because it was finally August!” A few ponies close enough to hear her rose an eyebrow. They all knew that it was in fact May, not August. “And it only came in August cause someone wanted to make a group on a site called FiMFiction, which was only made because people wanted to write stories about me and my friends! Which, by the way, some of those are REALLY weird. And NOT THE GOOD KIND OF WEIRD,” she shouted, scaring numerous passerby.
She tapped her chin as she stopped in her tracks, the thing on her back swaying. “I mean, really, why would I do that to Dashie? She’s my bestest friend! And pony flavored cupcakes would be DISGUSTING! And, I’m totally a fan of matchmaking - Tree Hugger and the Smooze will never know what hit them - but you all take it to REALLY weird places.” Pinkie shuddered. “And why are there so many sailors in Twilight’s house? That’s the weirdest one…”
She shook her head and grinned brightly. “But hey, what you write in your own time is up to you! Besides, you all don’t know we’re real, and that we just exist a hop skip and jump from your own reality! Which brings me back to those stories you write about what you think is a TV show called My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, written by Lauren Faust!” She giggled. “Buuut, I digress! It’s been really funny talking to you - or is it you all?” She gasped. “How many friends do I have out there!? Oh my goodness, I don’t think I can hug ALL of you!” Pinkie bit her lip, gnawing on it. “I better get you to Twilight so she can use her fancy math to calculate just how many of you there are!” In a dash to rival Rainbow’s, Pinkie darted inside, the thing on her back somehow remaining planted firmly there.
Twilight hummed as she read, peacefully unaware about what was going to happen in 3...2...1…
“HI TWILIGHT!!”
“GAH!” Surprised, Twilight jumped, managing to land on her hooves, eyes wide. She looked Pinkie up and down, panting. “... H-Hi?”
Pinkie giggled, hopping up and down. “I FINALLY FOUND IT, TWILIGHT!”
“Er…” Twilight assumed that ‘it’ was the thing on Pinkie’s back. "Found... what?" The answer to this question, of course, is completely pointless for the audience to see.
“Of COURSE it’s pointless, Narrator!”
“Er… who?” Another pointless question. Gee, Twilight, you sure ask a lot of pointless questions.
Pinkie giggled. “Well, the audience is probably already tired of this cliche back and forth silliness, so I’ll speed this along! Twilight, this is the missing wall!”
Twilight shook her head after a second, trying to comprehend. “The missing wall? Pinkie, what’s the missing wall?”
“The FOURTH wall, silly!”
Twilight then learned how to master the best poker face in the world.
That is to say, for an instant, her face went completely blank. The very next moment, she broke down laughing, tears rising to her eyes quickly. “P-Pinkie,” she said shortly thereafter, “you DO realize that the fourth wall is just a concept? The name of the metaphorical barrier between fiction and self awareness?”
Pinkie rolled her eyes. “Ugh, we don’t have time for you to be logical! This story’s already taking too long, and it’s just 4 days until the deadline!”
“Story? Deadline?” Oh good God, she’s started the questioning again. Pinkie, we need to find a way to get past Twilight’s natural curiosity for knowledge, especially since now that I’m editing this, it’s the LAST day of the contest. Any ideas?
“Hmm…” Pinkie rubbed her chin softly, eyes narrowing. “Let’s see…. OH! I have an idea.” She reached up and pulled the wall off of her back in a body - deforming maneuver with her hooves. Twilight simply watched, unfazed by her friend’s distinct lack of regard for physics. With an ungraceful thud, the wall landed on the floor. Hey, be careful with that, Pinkie! It’s fragile enough as it is.
“Oh, it’s not that bad! Now be quiet, I need to concentrate! Twilight, hold the wall steady!”
“Hold the wall? Pinkie, what do you think you’re doin-”
With a joyous exclamation of “WEEEEE”, Pinkie charged directly at the wall.
“PINKIE!” Surprised, Twilight grabbed the wall - might as well do what she asked, right?
Pinkie charged right at the wall, and with a mighty gallop, she charged right through the wall.
“Uh… Pinkie?”
No response came from inside the 4th wall.
Twilight felt her eye twitch. “Pinkie, this isn’t a very funny prank! Come out of there right now!”
No response.
Twilight sighed. “I’m sure she’ll be back soon…"
Back to the present/future, Twilight sat, her eyes focused blurrily on the wall, wadded up tissues around her. She was covered in a warm blanket. Police caution tape was put up around the peculiar wall. Royal Guards ponies patrolled regularly through the small town of Ponyville, all looking for just one thing - a pink party pony named Pinkamena Diane Pie.
2 weeks ago, Pinkamena Diane Pie disappeared one fateful day through a small hole in the 4th wall. For two weeks, her friends have worried endlessly about her. Twilight blamed herself, of course - had she been less OOC, she would have stopped Pinkie before doing something so terribly reckless. Alas, she had no idea she was being OOC. Only Pinkie would know that, being so intune with the natural forces of reality bending. But Pinkie was gone now.
“HI TWILIGHT! Pull me out, my hooves are full!”
“PINKIE?!” Sure enough, a tiny bit of pink curly hair was poking out of the hole in the wall. Perfect comedic timing, per usual, Pinkie. With a startled gasp, Twilight grabbed it with her magic and pulled.
“YOWIE! Harder, Twilight, I’m stuck!”
Twilight pulled harder.
“HARDER!”
She went harder.
“COME ON! I’M CLOSE!!”
Oh God, Pinkie, don’t tell me you found THOSE fanfictions when you were gallivanting through the tear in the fabric of reality.
“JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE!”
With a distinct ‘pop’, Pinkie fell out of the hole, scattering souvenirs all over the floor. Twilight ran through them and picked Pinkie up in a hug, sobbing. “Oh, Pinkie Pie! You’ve been gone for so long! W-Where did you go? I tried to follow you, but the hole wasn’t big enough!”
Pinkie snickered at the innuendo before smiling brightly. “Oh, I went so many places, Twilight! I went to this really cool place between the worlds! Like, I went to this place called Republic City - did you know I’m an Earthbender?” She squeed, holding up a hunk of rock. “This was the first rock I moved!”
“Earthbender? Wait, Republic City? I don’t think there’s a place named that in Equestria…”
“Well, DUH! That’s cause it wasn’t in Equestria! But then I needed to get my move on, so I jumped back through the wall. Turns out, it takes me to a new place each time!” Pinkie giggled, grinning widely. "I've been so many places, Twilight! I got to ride victorious on Fury Road, all shiny and chrome! Oh, and after that, I jumped over to join the Wonderful 101 in their latest adventure! Although, they really didn’t need my help. I left pretty quickly because I didn’t want to get in their way. I went over to this REALLY REALLY FUN PLACE called um… Well, a lot of things, like Alternia and Beforus and the Medium and just… the FAYGO, Twilight!” Pinkie licked her lips, giggling.
“And look at all of this sweet loot!” She held up a pokeball. “I got hit with this ‘cause someone thought I was a shiny!” She grabbed a wrapped ice snack, giggling. “This is probably a little melted, but it’s called a Cookie Cat! He’s SUPER DUPER yummy, according to some VERY reliable sources!” She picked hoofkerchief (really, a handkerchief) up in her mouth. It had the letters ‘Ib’ on it. “I gof dith from a thfary arr gall-ie!” She sip it out, grinning at all the other souvenirs she’d gotten. There was simply too much to count (not to mention, I really don’t have the time to search the internet for exactly every single reference found in this train wreck of a contest piece. At this point in the story, I’ve plaintively stopped trying and have just settled on this being the most garbage filled mess of words I have ever had the displeasure to type, and that you have ever had the displeasure to read).
Twilight quickly shook her head, tearing me from my completely needless rant about how the fourth wall has been broken so much by this point in the fiction that continuing is nearly pointless. “Pinkie, I… Where did you… How…”
“Simple, Twilight! I just lept through a hole in this wall, which actually acts as an interdimensional portal to other fandoms. Those fandoms make up multiple different dimensions and universes! They’re all separated by THESE walls, the fourth walls!” Pinkie grinned brightly. “I’ve wanted to find one ever since the first I’d heard of them! Everyone told me it was just a figurative wall, but I knew it was real!”
Twilight stared, wide eyed at the wall. The suspension of the term disbelief finally snapped inside her. “No. No, I refuse to accept this.”
“Twilight, don’t be silly. That’s my job,” she said with a giggle.
“Pinkie Pie, you disappeared for 2 whole weeks without anypony knowing where you were! I blamed myself every single day for letting you go through that hole!”
“Oh, Twilight, you didn’t have to do that. Don’t you know, none of this is canon!”
“Canon?...” Twilight groaned, holding her head in her hooves. “You know what? I’m done. I can’t handle this insanity anymore.”
“Me neither.” Pinkie frowned. “This part of the story is REALLY boring. Narrator,” she called out, calling my attention away from the homework I should really be working on, “could you send me back to before this started? Like, do timey things?”
Eh, why not? This story stopped making sense a LONG time ago. Come on, Pinkie, let’s do the time warp again.
*~*~*~
Ponyville glimmered in Celestia’s sunlight as ponies made their way through the town. Each and every pony in Ponyville had something to do or somewhere to be that day. For most, it was another saturday - or was it a tuesday? Oh, it doesn’t matter, no one cares what day it is; they just care about what they’re doing that unnamed day.
On this day, the ponies of Ponyville all did something. It’s rather unimportant to the ending of this train wreck what they actually did. Needless to say, re-hashing the beginning of the story and nullifying nearly everything that happened before will most likely anger you, so I suggest a visit from the main character.
Pinkie hummed, a bag of odds and ends she had gotten from beyond the realm of Ponies placed on her back. Thankfully, at this point, the 4th wall was re-claimed by the Architect. He’d been missing that wall for quite some time now. Even better, Pinkie can no longer hear me, meaning this story can finally come to a relatively normal close.
“I’ve got to show these to Twilight,” Pinkie said with a giggle. “She’s going to freak out so much!” In the blink of an eye, Pinkie was gone, having ran supernaturally fast to Twilight’s house.
Twilight opened the door after Pinkie’s fifth knock. “Oh, good morning, Pinkie Pie. What brings you he-”
“TWILIGHT, LOOK AT ALL THIS SICK LOOT!” With a giggle, Pinkie dumped all the souvenirs on the floor. “Lookie, lookie!!”
Twilight looked at them closely, analyzing each one. “Wow… Pinkie, where did you get these?”
Pinkie laughed, grinning. “It’s a loooong story. Like, 2527 words! Oh, but now it’s 2532 words! 2535… 2536… 2537…”
