Happy Sunshine

Did I mention it's September. Thanksgiving is coming around the corner and most ponies don't even have an appetite this time around. This year, the rate of depression and it's severity is alarming, to say the least. No one likes to talk around turkey and mash, so they'd rather eat alone in their rooms and remember their exes or stay in the quiet. Not that anything's wrong with that, but they'd be better off finding benefical things. Old comforts. New comforts. It'd be more uplifting than spending a day of grattitude alone with their sorrows.

Efficiency, that's what it's about. Being happy because it's good for you. And you stop thinking about all the horrible things that kept you up at night since you remember all the times they did it for you. So you stop. And you remember that they need you, but you need them so much more. Someone cynical would try and deconstruct this. And they'd say being selfless would lead somepony to ruin. And that's true, for the most part. People do take advantage of you.

But they actually wouldn't if you understood. If you knew who to shut out. And who to rely on. Hell, you'd be happy if you stopped trying to please everyone else and look at the people who really loved you. But you're just so special, aren't you. You're just so special that you wanna help everyone. You live for their approval. And that's why you'll never be happy.

That's why you'll never let anyone in for long.

You want someone to be happy for what you do, not who you are.

And when you want someone to be happy with who you are, heh... you refuse to change. You refuse to be better because god damn it, you aren't hurting anyone. Well, I can tell you that's not true, bud. If someone who cares for you and loves you refuses to let you stay who you are, they're probably fucking scared of who you've become, you self-absorbed cunt.

The princess dropped her tablet reading my blog. Her tablet and her notepad. Seeing Luna's face twist made me bust a gut. Because everybody was always so surprised. Oh, Pinkie Pie, you're fine. Oh, Pinkie Pie, get over it. Just remember you aren't starving and dying in Alpaca. Oh gee, genius, I didn't realize depression was a mental deathtrap. I thought it was a sickness like being homosexual. Yeah, real helpful, fucking douchebag.

"Is this... really how depression makes you feel?" Luna murmured, scrambling to find the notepad she dropped.

I closed my eyes and felt my lips contort. I felt the boozy air of her office stick to my teeth. Oh. It was a shit-eating grin. Air slipped my lips as I watched the ground by her hooves. And I saw the shadows grabbing at her from the lowest point of her office.

"Yeah... Yeah, it makes me feel like shit. I wanna cut myself apart and light the pieces on fire. Because holy shit, I'm so selfish and everyone else around me is such a dick. I can't find anything to be happy about because none of those fuckers know where I've been. Everyone tells me to 'get better' or 'get over it.' And that's when I realize they don't care. They don't care at all. They didn't try to cheer me up because they'd fight it with me and pull me out no matter what. They just wanna feel good about themselves. Typical ponies, right...?"

My psychiatrist was still jotting notes down. Her gaze kept to yellow notepad paper, barely deviating in the span of eight, silent minutes. And I watched her for every second. Every minute. Because I was watching her. Waiting for her to say something.

My eyes strayed away to other sights. A half-empty glass of Lethargy on the rocks, a mess of textbooks about the anatomy of happiness and a swarm of dust particles caught my eye. The dust was the first thing I noticed. Ever since I grew depressed, my room and workspace shared a common chaos.

"You... You speak of wanting to cheer everyone up. Even though you try, you blame yourself for relying so heavily on approval. Why? Isn't that something subconscious. It's not an intentional thought process, it's just a learned behaviour. A habit." Luna stated, giving me at least one thing to consider.

I sighed and leaned over the high end of her funky psychiatrist furnishing. It was velvet and squashed cooly against my skin. Was there anything more comforting. Well, hm, besides somepony else's coat on your back?

"I... just know it's my fault. Even if it isn't my fault for learning it, I should know better. I should know better by now. But everytime somepony tells me to help them do chores or they're sad and someone left them, I... I really enjoy it when they fucking use me.

I-It's so fucking stupid. No one else knows how it feels. I'm Ponyville's town fucking bicycle. When someone uses me and they fucking smile, because they're fucking happy, I get off to it. Do you know how horrible that is. It's so grotesque and monstrous I can't even remember the last time I didn't feel disgusted after sex."

I was shaking. I felt my hooves rattling away without a sound. They tickled against my hindleg fur.

"They always want gangbangs. Everyone wants gangbangs. I'm sick of being touched by people I don't even know. I'm sick... of liking it when people use me and they put on their fake fucking smiles just to get what they want. On the holidays, I'm broke because I give and I give but no one gives back. And I'm sick of it all."

I heard Luna's timer expire and ring it's obnoxious ring. Though I moved toward the edge, she stopped me by raising her left forehoof.

"Pink one... Pinkie Pie. I understand how you feel. But you can be selfish. You can try to say no to yourself. But you can definitely say no to other people. They don't control you. They don't have any power over you unless you give it to them. No matter how sad they act or what they say to guilt you, say no. Because things like sex and love, things like care should never be squandered. You should never feel guilty if someone is trying to use you."

I felt a tear slip my eye and I didn't know why. I couldn't understand a word she said about any of the latin nomenclature or medicinal jargon. My eyes were glued to her face. Her muzzle was stuck right at me. And I felt... like kissing her.

"Pinkie...? Pinkie. Are you listening?" Luna pouted, biting her lip.

A startled nod left my head jumbled. I felt dizzy, but that was fine. She didn't know. All I did was take her pills and linger on how she looked so upset. So... humorously eager to get rid of me for her next client. I chuckled under my breath when I realized I was nobody to her. I was just another face.

All I was, all that I'd ever be, was someone she felt like helping.

I walked out and started shaking after I closed the door.

Maybe Luna thought I was boring.

Maybe I was just ungrateful.

I closed my eyes and lit a cigarette, remembering I was her addiction; that I was nothing but endorphins.