In which it is proven beyond any reasonable doubt that unicorns are evil.
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In which it is proven beyond any reasonable doubt that unicorns are evil.
I have never been betrayed so gosh darn hard in all my life. That white and purple snake just snuck right up and bit me. I was just there at my apple stand, mindin' my own business like any good pony would, and then she comes.
I'd thought she was my friend, you know, 'cause of all the magic of friendship and all that, and 'cause of how we'd been friends for years by then, through thick and thin and all kinds of trouble.
I was as wrong as a simple farm pony ever could be.
Oh, she sidled up to me all nice and calm like, gave me a hug. She told me I had an odor to me, which I didn't pay no mind to, since she's always sayin' things like that. But on that day, somethin' crawled up into Rarity's tail and put a burr on her butt, because that day, for some reason, she had a mind to do somethin' about it.
“Oh, Applejack,” she asked me all sweet-and-innocent like, “have you ever considered coming along to one of our spa dates, dear?”
I stared at her, givin' her the kind of look she deserved for a dumb question like that. “Nope.”
She paused. If she was waitin' for a response, I'd just go on ahead and let her stew. She stewed for a good, long while before she finally gave in. “Oh, Applejack, don't be silly. It will be wonderful.”
“Nope.”
Now it was gettin' to her. That polite smile she was wearin' started gettin' a mite thin. “I think it would be a great experience for you.”
“Nope.”
“Well...” Her smile was gone now, replaced by a slight frown and diamond-hard eyes. “In that case, I regret I simply must inform you that, one: your mane is in dire need of maintenance and, two: you have begun to develop quite a ... distinctive odor.”
“It's healthy,” I told her.
“Is that so?”
“Eeyup.”
Her eyes narrowed. “It is not healthy, not for you, nor anyone around you.”
I just shrugged and went back to countin' my apples. Not that they needed countin' or such, just somethin' to do while I waited for Rarity to get bored of lookin' at me like that.
Only... even after I'd counted a couple hundred apples – probably a couple hundred; I might've lost count – she was still there. I tried my darndest to ignore her, but I just couldn't. I figured she was what was makin' me lose count so much. “Rarity, are you done yet? You're scarin' off my customers.”
“It's not me scaring them off, Applejack. It's your scent.”
“Hogwash. There was plenty of ponies around before you came.”
She stared at me, and I sure didn't like the way she was lookin' at me. “You need a bath.”
“Nope.”
“And you are going to get one.”
“Nope.” I had to laugh a little at that. “I'd like to see you try.”
One of her eyebrows slowly rose.
“Hey,” I told her, “that's my thing!”
She just grinned at me. “You'd like to see me try, oh? I'll take that as an invitation.”
“You wouldn't dare.”
Rarity's grin grew wider. “Oh wouldn't I?” Her horn began to glow.
Much to my consternation, all four of my hooves lifted up off the ground, and she held me up in the air. “Rarity, you put me down right now!”
“Enope,” she said, in a terrible imitation of my accent. Hauling me along with her like I was no more than a sack of flour, she began trotting off toward the edge of town – not the edge of town where Sweet Apple Acres was, the other edge of town.
I screamed and I kicked, and I raised as much ruckus as I could – I raised a fracas, too, in case Pinkie hears about this – but it was no good. That three-times-darned unicorn had a good grip on me with her cheater-magic, and every pony who saw me just laughed. I still feel a mite resentful about all that laughin', to be honest.
Once we got clear of the edge of town, I could see where she was takin' me, and it sure didn't look good. Out in the grassy field just outside of town, there was a wooden washbucket already set up full of water, soap bubbles all over the top of it.
Now, I'd thought I was strugglin' as mightily as I could already, but that weren't nothin' compared to what I did when I saw that bucket.
“Oh calm down, Applejack. It's just a little soap and water. It isn't going to hurt you... goodness.”
“The hay it ain't!” I kicked at her pointy head, but I couldn't reach it. “This is assault, and kidnappin', and harassment, and... um... bath rape, and a whole heap of other things too, probably.”
She stopped and turned back to look at me, a big grin on her face as she magically held me above the soapy water. “Oh, I know. That's why I took the time to petition for a preemptive pardon from Princess Twilight.”
“Twilight's in on this? Darned schemin' unicorns! She can't do that!”
She started lowering me toward the water. “Oh yes she can. She's a princess now. Unlimited royal authority to grant pardons.”
“It don't count when you get pardoned ahead of time! She can't give ya permission to do crimes!” I looked down at the approaching water. “Okay, okay. I give up! Just please don't do this! I don't wanna take a bath!”
“You could have had a wonderful day at the spa if you had agreed to my first offer.”
“Please, Rarity, I'll do anything! Just don't put me in that—” My hooves touched the water. “Nooo!”
Without any further ceremony, she dunked me all the way into it, making it slosh over the edge. It was so wet and so cold! How could she do that to me?
I tried to struggle and jump out of the water, but she was still holdin' on to me with her magic. The only thing all my wigglin' was good for was to make a bunch more water slosh out.
Rarity's magic brought up a hair brush and a coat brush. How could she do all that and still put in all the strength she needed to hold me in the darned tub? “Now do hold still. I'm about to attempt a mane detangling. You might feel a little pinch now and again.”
I yelled and hollered, and I kicked and struggled, but it was no use. Her brush was at work in my hair and her scrubber was at work all over my body, rubbin' out all the healthy sweat and dirt in it. She was maliciously washin' me against my will, and there was nothin' – nothin' I could do about it!
All my commotion drew a bit of attention, though. Rainbow Dash flitted down from the clouds and landed on a nearby tree, watching us, her face full of curiosity.
“Rainbow!” I yelled out to her. “I'm—” A dunk in the tub cut me off, but I popped right back up. “Help! Rarity's gone crazy!” I got dunked again. “Crazier than usual! Get help! Get Big Macintosh!” Rarity's magic wasn't enough to hold me back anymore; now she had to use her hooves, too.
Rainbow sat on the tree branch, perched like a featherbrained bird for a moment ... then she hopped back into the air, laughing as if it was the funniest thing she ever did see.
“Rainbow! This is serious!”
She just laughed harder.
Eventually, I'm ashamed to say, I gave in to despair. There was no hope for me. As much as I hated to think about it, I was going to be ... clean.
The washing went on and on. That evil unicorn – ain't they all evil? – scrubbed and scrubbed until I figured I didn't even have any fur left. Then she scrubbed some more!
Finally – and I'm sayin' this took hours – she hauled me out of the tub and dried me off with a blast of magic that made me feel all tingly and uncomfortable. She set me down on the ground, letting Rainbow and herself admire all the things they'd done to me.
“Doesn't she look marvelous when she's groomed?” Rarity said.
Rainbow came a little closer. “At least she smells better.”
I had a plan though. A cunning plan. I was eyeballin' the mud puddle all my splashes had made around the bucket.
Rarity released me. “There, Applejack dear. Don't you feel better now?”
Rather than answer her dumb question, I jumped forward, landin' square in the middle of the mud. I didn't waste one bit of time in droppin' down in it and rollin' to my heart's content. When I finally got up, I was so covered nopony could've even guessed what color my coat was. It wasn't my hard-earned sweat and dust, but at least I wasn't clean.
Rainbow and Rarity were watchin' me, and they sure weren't amused. Both of 'em were splattered with little bits of brown mud from when I'd jumped. I grinned at 'em and made to run off before they could catch me again and get the idea of re-washin' me.
“Rarity,” I heard Dash say as I sped off, “you owe me a spa day.”
I didn't hear what Rarity said, but she nodded, and both of them headed off to the south side of town, where the spa was.
Myself, I ran clear back to Sweet Apple Acres without the slightest bit of hesitation. My apologies for any foals I terrified along the way. I'll make sure and tell them there ain't no such thing as a mud-monster pony.
* * *
“And that, Your Highness, is why I want Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash thrown in jail ... at least for a spell.”
Princess Celestia stared down at Applejack, at the trail of muddy hoofprints leading into her throne room. When she had seen Applejack's name on the supplicant list for the day, she had hoped that she'd get a break from the inane, crazy requests of her subjects. No such luck, it would seem. “We will take it under consideration.”
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