Real Estate

by Smaug the Golden

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Smart Cookie, Chancellor Puddinghead
Length: 3270

Smart Cookie and Chancellor Puddinghead go house hunting.

With her war proposal denied, Chancellor Puddinghead decides to grab her secretary and go searching for a new land.

Published 2015-10-19 20:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2015-10-19 20:50:01 UTC

Round and Round

Absolutely not.” The gavel struck the frozen desk of Stern Gaze, head of the Terran Senate. He sat with half a dozen other earth ponies who sat in a semicircle, glaring at the pony in front of them. Puddinghead sat in front of them, her chocolate hat bobbing with every movement she made.

“But why not?” Puddinghead whined. “They insulted us. They deserve to be wiped out.”

Stern Gaze gave her a long and very stern look. “Do you really think that the Terran army is in any state to go to war with both the unicorns and the pegasi?” The other members of the Senate mumbled their agreement.

“Well,” Puddinghead grinned, “I wouldn’t say with both. Besides, don’t you think that justice demands retribution?”

“No. Just you demand retribution. You may be chancellor, but we’re not letting you go to war with another nation. Go find another country for us to settle or something if you want to be helpful.”

“Fine.” Puddinghead stormed out of the Senate’s headquarters, slamming the door behind her. The blizzard outside did not help her mood. Snow piled on the streets of Terra, blocking doors, windows and cellars.

She walked through the waist deep snow that filled Terra, soaking her cloak as she did so, and climbed out of the city. It was a thirty minute walk normally, but was now far closer to an hour. As she walked through the sludge-like snow, she vented about the unfairness of it all. “Stupid Senate. They won’t let me wipe out a slightly annoying nation. Idiots.”

At the edge of Terra, she found a small hut. The door was blockaded with snow and a chimney sat on the roof, which was covered entirely with snow. The chancellor climbed onto the roof and began wiping off the snow. After it was sufficiently clear, she dived down it.

Chancellor Puddinghead always liked chimneys. It wasn’t that they were full of soot and hot air, as Cookie guessed, or that it was something taller than she was. Nope, it was the pure joy of sliding down them. She landed in the center of the fireplace- thankfully it wasn’t lit.

The cabin was small, with a bed in one corner and a cabinet in nearby. In front of the fireplace where Puddinghead now lay spread-eagled stood Smart Cookie, her secretary. The earth pony wore a cap with a feather, and his face held a slight burn. Cookie glanced at his boss and his fireplace, then up at the roof. “Chimney diving? At this time of year?”

Puddinghead shrugged. “It felt right. That, and I needed to vent in some fashion. Everybody was acting moronic at the debate and at the Senate. They refused to let me wipe out the other tribes despite their refusal to acknowledge us as superior.” She took no notice of her secretary’s expression. “Anyway, we have some serious trouble on our hands.” She strode over to one corner of the small hut and opened a cabinet. She removed medicines, scrolls and a frog at one point, dumping them all on the floor of the hut.

Cookie frowned and followed his boss over. “What trouble is that? Aside from the fact that we have starvation, war and several other issues already on our hands? And, boss, what are you doing in my medicine cabinet?”

“The tribes refused to listen to anything I had to say, claiming that we have enough resources to go around. So, we have to resort to the only possible alternative.” Puddinghead let out whoop of excitement and pulled a map out of the cabinet. “Anyway, I’m in your cabinet for a map. I store them here when I get the chance. Ah, here we go.”

“And what is the only possible alternative? Attempt to sue peace with the tribes?” Cookie’s expression was hopeful, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “On a side note, when do you have time to store stuff in my cabinet?”

Puddinghead raised an eyebrow and gave him an incredulous look. “You really want to know what I do in my spare time? As for the solution, we have to go to the ends of the earth in order to find a new land to settle, then come back here and move several hundred thousand earth ponies to said location. It’s foolproof. Say, which way is north?” Puddinghead turned the map around and around, eventually deciding to point all the mountains downwards.

“Right,” Cookie mumbled. “Foolproof. Say, when’s the next election? I want the Senate to oust you.”

“Not for five or six months, and they completely support this decision.” Cookie sighed and followed Puddinghead out of the cabin. This would be a long trek.

“So, why couldn’t we have stayed back in Terra and worked out all of our problems?” Cookie asked as he and Puddinghead trudged through the knee-deep snow. Puddinghead has rushed him out of town as soon as possible, barely giving him time to pack a cloak. As such, he was cold, wet and generally tired.

“Simple. Pegasi are too belligerent and the unicorns are too stuffy. We’re too humble to admit that we’re superior, and thus they do it for us via their attitudes. With attitudes like that, we have to go and solve all of our problems separately.” Puddinghead had taped multiple maps to her hat and rigged them all with some levers and gears. Whenever she pulled the lever, a new map was flipped up.

“So, we’re moving because everyone is below us?” Cookie’s voice dripped sarcasm, but Puddinghead took no notice and simply nodded.

“Exactly. So, what sounds nice for our new kingdom? A desert? A cave system?”

Cookie frowned. “You do realize that we’re mammals, right? We require things like soil, sunlight and water in order to thrive and grow our plants. Unless you think we’re reptiles, I don’t think that any of those would work.”

Puddinghead rubbed her chin. “We’ll see. How does a volcano sound? I once met a dragon who said that they were lovely.” Cookie resisted the urge to strangle his employer.

“Boss, please, let’s head to someplace that is sunny, fertile and all around habitable. Otherwise we’ll all be dead before the year is out. At the very least, a fertile location will let us chew the scenery. What makes you think that a volcano or whatever else is on that map will work any better.”

Puddinghead patted him on the head with her hoof, which knocked his hat loose. “Cookie, you have got to realize that I am a complete genius. If it weren’t for the arrogance of the other tribes, we would have been able to sort things out. These new locations were a last resort. That and the Senate wouldn’t allow me to declare war.”

Cookie raised an eyebrow and put his hat back on his head. “I won’t ask. Now, we ought to head to each of these locations and figure out which one is most habitable for earth ponies like us.”

“Cookie,” Puddinghead snapped, “who put you in charge? I’ll make the decisions around here. Now, which one should we scout out first?”

“Can we do closest first? I’d prefer to find out that the whole world is frozen before hiking to the ends of the earth.”

“Alright. Now, let’s head to the part of the map that says ‘here, there be dragons.’” Cookie’s eye twitched multiple times as he resisted the urge to strangle his employer.

Dragons flew around the volcano, nested in it, killed each other in it, and Puddinghead found it delightful. The volcano itself stretched high into the sky, with nooks and crannies all the way up. “Cookie, look at it. It’s perfect for our new home. I mean, we’ve got powerful neighbors, excellent soil and rocks, and plenty of room to expand.”

“It’s inhabited with dragons.” Cookie was shivering despite the fact that it was upwards of eighty degrees. “Who would want to live here?” He shot a nervous glance at a few of the larger dragons who sat on the rim of the volcano, tails hanging in the lava.

“Dragons. Come on, just think of the sales pitch to the Senate. Nice, warm and without an endless blizzard. No belligerent neighbors who think they’re stronger than you. It’d be hard to get a better deal to the Senate.”

“The only reason that you can say that nobody thinks they’re stronger than us is because everyone who lies here knows that they’re stronger than us. Do you really think we could go to war with a dragon?” Puddinghead shrugged. “Besides, what would the dragons think?”

“They’d think that they were being invaded.” Cookie squeaked in terror. He turned around to find a massive, grey dragon standing behind him. The dragon stood much too high for Cookie to speak face to face with. Not that Cookie had any interest in doing so.

“So, we can’t settle here?” Puddinghead asked the dragon, whose expression was somewhere between ‘irritated’ and ‘you are going to get roasted if you don’t buzz off.’

The dragon growled. “No, you certainly may not. I am Titanium, lord of this land. If you two don’t clear out of Sulphur Rookery I will have to take extreme measures.”

Puddinghead raised a hoof. Titanium glanced at her but said nothing. “Do we have to clear off immediately? We’ve been here for something close to five minutes and you already have ponicide on your mind.”

She let out a squeak as Titanium’s foot landed and inch from where she was standing. By Cookie’s reckoning, the dragon’s expression was definitely in the ‘you are going to get roasted if you don’t buzz off’ range. “Clear out. I don’t have time to deal with invaders. Go somewhere else if you need a new land. Otherwise I’ll have three million of you running about my territory.”

“Sir,” Cookie said. Titanium turned to glare at him and he felt all his courage draining out of him. “Um, sir, there’s only about three hundred thousand of us. Hardly three million earth ponies.” He realized far too late that he had said the wrong thing. Titanium brought his massive head close to the ground and Cookie’s face.

“You honestly think that’s any better?”

Cookie found himself talking in that panic you feel when you have a massive dragon staring you down. “Statistically, it’s a decrease of ninety percent. And it means that we’ll only take up a tenth of the land that you thought we would. It also means that there would take you far less time to eat us all and it means that we’re a lot easier to deplete in numbers.”

Titanium paused. “On second thought… bring your whole nation. We’d appreciate some new neighbors. It’s not like we get them that often.”

Puddinghead grinned. “Great. The Senate will love to hear this. Thank you, Titanium. Means a lot to me.” Cookie took notice of the fact that Titanium’s face was in the ‘lots of delicious meals coming up’ expression. He grabbed Puddinghead and ran, dragging her down the dirt path leading away from the volcano. “Oi! Cookie, what are you doing?”

“I’ll explain when we’re far away from here. Far, far away.”

“Yaks no like immigrants. Yaks smash immigrants!” Bluehorn demonstrated by smashing the nearest object he could find: his lunch. The plate broke into a dozen pieces and launched the sandwich on it high into the air, where it landed on the expensive chandelier.

The yak wore a blanket over his back and a horny helmet on his head. Cookie and Puddinghead and gone to Yakyakistan, the grand land of the yaks. It was cold there, not too much unlike their old home, but Puddinghead insisted that it was warmer. The yaks had captured them the moment they had arrived and escorted them to their leader, the yak Bluehoof, whose epression was always in the ‘ME SMASH!’ expression.

“Mr. Bluehorn,” Puddinghead said, “we are not attempting to immigrate. We are looking for real estate in this wonderful land. We like the idea of living in such fine land and with such fine people such as you yaks. Isn’t that right, Cookie?” Cookie took sudden interest in a tapestry hanging on the wall.

“Fascinating picture. What’s it of?”

Bluehorn glanced at the tapestry. It had magnificent drawings of yaks wielding all manner of weapons against various monsters. “Yaks smashing things.”

Cookie nodded. “You’re not one for words, are you?”

“Words don’t smash things. Hooves smash!” The yak raised a hoof to demonstrate. Cookie raised his own hoof.

“Um, that won’t be necessary.” Bluehoof smashed his goblet anyway. Cookie sighed.

Puddinghead continued speaking as if the past three minutes hadn’t happened. “So, Lord Bluehoof, would it be acceptable for us to come and settle near here? It would mean a lot to my people.”

Bluehoof shook his head. “No! Yak tell you to clear out!” Puddinghead walked out, his face downcast, but Cookie ran out as fast as he could.

The pair were in a cave. A very big, very deep cave system. It was located a hundred miles from south of Terra. Water dripped from the ceiling and onto the Cookie’s back, causing him to jump Puddinghead strode through the darkness of the cave. “Puddinghead, are you sure that this is a good idea?”

Puddinghead shrugged. “It’s certainly a better location to settle than back with the yaks or the dragons. Nothing here to eat us. There’s also plants that grow here. Take that one as an example.” She pointed to a small mushroom that grew out of the cave wall. It was pure white, tall and had a few bulges at the bottom. It was obviously flourishing, given the fact that there were more just like it resting around the cavern. “We could eat those for nourishment, if need be. In fact, these entire caves are quite defensible. Can you image Hurricane trying to storm these in her spare time?”

Cookie slowly walked to Puddinghead, glancing around the cavern as he did so. “I won’t deny that they’re defensible, at least from the outside world. Although I don’t think we’d be alone in these caverns. Don’t you want someplace where we’d be alone?”

Puddinghead tapped one of the mushrooms experimentally. “I doubt that we could find any place where we’d be alone. It’d be like asking for bacon without the eggs.”

“Some people do that.”

“It’s still stupid. Do you think this is edible?”

Cookie barely spared the mushroom a glance. Instead, he stared at the cave. “I doubt it. It’s probably poisonous or something. Can we go now?” He ran in place, biting his lip as he did so. “I think I heard a rumbling.”

“It’s just your imagination. Nothing lives down here.” Puddinghead picked the mushroom and placed it inside her pouch. Another rumble sounded, this one large enough to knock some dust from the ceiling, causing Puddinghead to look up. “Well, I’ve scouted this place out. Hopefully I’ll be able to sell this place to the Senate. How does ‘Dark Cavern! Full of Amanita mushrooms and the odd rumble. Guaranteed to be enjoyable or your money back’ sound?” Cookie blanched by the time she finished the word ‘mushroom.’

“Can we go back to trying to sell them Yakyakistan?”

“I would if I was allowed to commit document fraud. As it stands now, I can’t without Bluehoof’s assent. Let’s go check the next piece of real estate.” Puddinghead began the trek out of the cavern, Cookie following along, a grin of relief on his face.

“Boss, Tartarus does not count as reasonable real estate.”

“Can we just explore the upper reaches?”

“No.”

"Why not?"

"Blafagadda!" Jadgas oparath haurad!

"That's why."

"Point taken."

“So, what do you think of this?” The castle was certainly a ruin. Broken spires held up partial remains of the roof, while other sections simply had the cold night sky above them. A dilapidated throne sat in one corner of the room, its symbols and carvings ineligible.

Cookie gave the castle a long look. “It’s certainly better than Tartarus, Dark Cavern and Yakyakistan, I’ll give it that much. But why pick this of all places? Why not go the any of the nice places on those maps?” Puddinghead sighed and handed Cookie a map. Cookie looked it over. “So there’s nothing nice on your map? Do any of your maps have anything nice on them?”

She shook her head. “Unfortunately no. Our ancestors wandered the bottom half of the globe and found nothing nice. They eventually stumbled upon our current homeland and decided ‘Screw it. We’re sick and tired of wandering to other lands. Let’s just settle down here.’ And that’s how the world stopped being full of nomads.”

“So… people got sick and tired of walking everywhere and decided to sit down in one location forever? Our nation got founded on laziness?”

Puddinghead pondered the thought as she leaned against a collapsing pillar. “Pretty much. So, you like this location?”

Cookie raised an eyebrow. “You honestly think I like any of the locations you’ve dragged me to?”

Puddinghead pouted. “I thought that Dark Cavern was a lovely place to visit. It certainly had the nicest flora, especially compared to Tartarus.”

“Do you even know what that mushroom in your pack was?” Puddinghead nodded. "Sure. Destroying Angel. Lovely mushroom."

"It's deadly poison. Be glad we lost it in Tartarus."

Puddinghead tossed a map to Cookie. “Fine. If you dislike my decisions for possible real estate, why don’t you pick one?” Cookie spread the map out and looked it over. There wasn’t all that much. There were a few X’s on it that were marked with things like snake pit, cesspit and squipit, and there were little mountains, castles and caves. Nothing really looked all that friendly.

“Why do you have a place called squidpit on this?”

“Take one guess.” Cookie opened his mouth, but then shut it again. Puddinghead sighed. “So, should we head back to Terra and tell the Senate the bad news?”

Cookie shrugged as a piece of the ceiling landed three feet from where he was standing. “You’re the chancellor. You make the decisions. I just keep you in check and schedule the meetings.”

“Fair enough.” She tapped one of the walls, which collapsed. “Let’s not live here.” She straightened her hat. “The Senate will have no choice but to agree with my war proposal.” The two of them walked out of the castle as it crumbled behind them.

“So… why did we head north?” The two ponies stood overlooking a beautiful, lush valley. Trees of all sorts grew, rivers flowed and there were no blizzards. Cookie valued the last one the most. The two had decided to head a short ways past Terra on the way back and had stumbled upon Paradise.

“Cookie, don’t blame me. The map was all wonky. I had it upside down the whole time.”

“That doesn’t explain how you managed to send us in the opposite direction while we had the compass on the map. Seriously, did you not think?”

Puddinghead tapped him on the chest. “I am your chancellor. Don’t insult me.”

Cookie ignored him and descended into the valley. Hopefully there wouldn’t be neighbors. He'd had enough possible ones already.

Author's Note

I wrote this for the Writeoff 'Distant Shores,' but then forgot about it. :P It's been sitting in my story box for a while now, so I decided to clean it up and submit it. Hope you enjoyed.