The Godpie

by The F8ful 1

Rating: teen
Tags: Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Trixie, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Gilda
Length: 1023

For a contest, I had to write a funny story. This is it.

I'm honestly not that good at humor. Seriously, this was my best attempt.
Kickass222urmom had a contest to win one of his journals. It was a contest where you had to write a comedy story. This is mainly where it started, but my sisters boyfriend helped me out by suggesting (and I quote) "have the pink one beat the blue one with a dildo"
I thank him for that.
Just read, I know it isn't much. (mostly physical humor XD)

Published 2012-05-28 07:54:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-05-28 07:54:01 UTC

The Only Chapter

“I don't have your 300 bits Boss.” Trixie said in her Italian accent that Pinkie Pie made her use. Trixie was a new addition to the family, and having passed the rigorous tests Pinkie laid out for her, she was given an important assignment with a rival family. Upon hearing this, Pinkie's hair grew flat.
In a low Russian voice, Pinkie said “I have put great faith into you. This deal was essential for our takeover of Manehatten. Now, the family has to clean up your mess.”
“No, No boss, I can clean dis” Trixie said, trying to recover from her apparent failure.
“I don't think you can... recover quickly enough.” Pinkie said, pulling out a giant blue dildo.
“Boss, no. give me anoder chance. I can do this.” Trixie said with wide eyes.
“Derpy, Dash. Hold 'er still” Pinkie said, slapping her forehoof with the giant dildo menacingly.
As Derpy and Rainbow Dash held Trixie in place, and Pinkie began to swing the dildo. The giant blue dildo caught Trixie in the face, Twilight's magic instantly healing her. Twilight had been a core member of the family, making sure punishments lasted far longer than natural with her healing magic.
Pinkie beat Trixie brutally without a single drop of blood falling because of Twilight's magic.
“I'm sorry boss, dey didn't show. I couldn't get da bits.” Trixie said.
“Oh yeah. Fluttershy, check her cape.” Pinkie said. Instantly, Fluttershy went up to Trixie and took her cape. As soon as the cape was off, Trixie began to beg for her life, but Pinkie was immune to these pleas. Fluttershy pulled out a bag full of bits, 300 to be precise.
“I am sick of lucking at this scum. Take him to the back room. And have fun with this.” Pinkie said taking her seat in the revolving chair and tossing the dildo to Rainbow Dash.
“It will be taken care of.” Rainbow Dash said with a bronx accent.
“Now, we need plans to take care of Gilda's mob. She is the only one stopping us from the takeover.” Pinkie said already forgetting about Trixie and her hair regaining its poofiness.
“Boss, our intel tells us that Gilda the griffon will be at a party at Joe’s Donuts. We strike there fast and covert and there is nothing stopping us.” Twilight said
“I can take her out. We still have some… stuff to discuss.” Rainbow Dash said
“No. She is mine. I fear she may be able to undermine your loyalty and I couldn’t bear to lose you, much less kill you should you become a threat.” Pinkie said.
“Alright Boss, I understand. Remember though, I am willing to help.”
“We strike tomorrow at 11:23 PM. She will be dead by midnight. This mission can’t fail, or else we lose everything. This family will be split or dead.” Pinkie said. Her word being final, the meeting finished.
“Derpy, use this money to get ammo for the party cannon.”
WWWWV
The party was in full swing, with ponies everywhere, drinking and eating to their heart’s content.
Pinkie was behaving crazy as normal, though this time she did not organize the party.
Gilda entered the building. Not receiving a warm welcome, she went back to the back of the room, to get her first beer. Pinkie saw Rainbow Dash move closer and realized that if she didn't do something soon, it would all be ruined.
She tackled Rainbow Dash. “Rainbow Dash! This is really important. Which sounds better- Chimi Cherry or Cherry Changa? Chimi Cherry, Cherry Changa. Chimi Cherry, Cherry Changa. Chimi Cherry, Cherry Changa.” Pinkie said to distract Rainbow from her efforts.
“What are you doing? I just wanted a beer.” Rainbow said, then winking.
“Oh... okay then. Have fun!” Pinkie said, understanding what she was doing.
Rainbow grabbed a beer and then began to talk with Gilda. Though at first she was reluctant, she quickly became enraptured by the rainbow mare's conversation.
Pinkie secretly watched the clock as she mentally prepared for the final phase. As soon as the clock his 11:23, Pinkie bounced over to Gilda, still distracted by Rainbow Dash. Pinkie pulled the party-cannon out of nowhere and crept behind Gilda. Little did Gilda know, it was loaded with a real cannonball that was filled with TNT and C4 to hide any evidence.
“Hey Gilda.” Pinkie said. Gilda turned around just in time to see Pinkie activate the cannon. Nothing happened for a second, then looked down the barrel to see no cannonball in the barrel of the pink cannon
“CELESTIA DAMN YOU DERPY YOU DUMBASS!!!” Pinkie cursed the skies
“What were you going to do?” Gilda said, suspicious of the pink pony.
“Just trying to throw a-” Pinkie said interrupted by Rainbow Dash
“She was gonna *hiccup* blow you up. *burp*” Rainbow Dash interrupted her drunkenly.
Gilda then grabbed Pinkie Pie and threw her into her own device of torture. “I hope you hate parties, cuz you ain't going to have any ON THE MOOOOONN!! BEEEYETCH!!” Gilda said, activating the cannon and launching the pink ball to the moon
“I'll just break the fourth wall to get back you knoooooooowww” Pinkie said as she was launched to her imprisonment.
“So... Dash, WAKE UP” Gilda said with Twilight's voice.
“DASH! WAKE UP.” Twilight said, waking Rainbow Dash up from her dream about Pinkie and Gilda.
“Huh? What's happening?”
“We're almost to Canterlot for the wedding. You have to be awake to go through customs.” Twilight said in her egghead way
“Oh, okay.”
“Hey Dash, I was thinking of something. I wanna start a family, but I don't want to be known as Mommy. What should I be called?” Pinkie said, sitting next to her pal.
“Ummmm, the Godmother?” Dash said unsure of her answer
“Perfect. We will take over Canterlot and have parties that the cops normally stop!” Pinkie said, excited about her new family.
“Oh fuck, what did I just do?” the rainbow mare rhetorically asked
“You helped a friend silly.” Pinkie said ominously.
_-_-___-_---_
I have not received any word about the contest, but I remain hopeful.