Prologue Chapter: Princess Celestia Plots Out Twilight Sparkle
“Why won’t she leave?” Twilight Velvet asked, allowing herself another quick peak out the parted curtains. “She’s been standing out there for hours. Night Light… do you… do you think you could ask her to go away?”
Night Light stood next to her and removed her hoof from the window. “Tell the Princess of the Sun that she can’t come inside?” He shook his head. “I’d rather just pretend we’re not here until she—”
Pop!
In a brilliant flash of light, Princess Celestia teleported into the center of the living room, shaking her mane from her eyes. Immediately her head shot to the couple, huddled beside the window.
“There seems to be something wrong with your doorbell, Night Light,” Celestia started warmly, “and well as your hearing and your vision. I’ve been knocking on the door for a while now and I know someone’s been peaking out the window.” She sighed softly. “But, alas, I have miraculously found my way inside and now, I think, it is time for us all to talk. So, if you’ll be so kind as to take a seat, we can get started.”
Night Light raised a hoof. “Umm… no offense, Princess, but what’s this all about? And why couldn’t this wait until morning? Is it important? Like… the fate of Equestria important?”
Celestia shook her head. “Tsk. Tsk. You should know by now that everything I do is for the betterment of our land. We all have schedules to keep and parts to play. So sit and I’ll explain.”
Hesitantly, Night Light and Twilight Velvet did as they were told, sitting side by side on the couch that sat before the coffee table. The moment she could, Twilight Velvet grabbed hold of Night Light’s hoof and whispered, “Why am I so scared?”
“Maybe because Princess Celestia just broke into my house and hasn’t told us why, yet,” Night Light told her bluntly.
Using her horn, Celestia levitated over a chair to sit on. With a smile, she gingerly placed both forelegs on her lap. “How are things?”
“They’re good, Princess. They’re fine,” Night Light answered curtly.
“And things are… moving along between you two?”
“Umm… Princess?”
Celestia absently eyed up one of her golden-plated hooves. “You’ve been seeing each other for what? Three months now?”
Nodding, Twilight Velvet said, “Yes, Princess, ever since we were both invited to the Royal Canterlot Singles Mingle at your castle. As happy as I am to have met Night Light at the event, the fact that all four hundred other attendees never came due to food poisoning still makes me wonder why you went through with the event in the first place. I mean… it only ended up being Night Light and me there.”
Celestia tilted her head. “Well, I couldn’t have had you two falling in love with someone else, now could I?”
Twilight Velvet tightened her grip on Night Light’s hoof.
“Let’s see here.” Celestia materialized a scroll out of thin air and unfurled it; a quill by her side and poised to strike. “Three weeks into a relationship. Hmm. So how far along is our bundle of joy, would you say?”
Night Light choked on spit. “Bundle of joy?”
“The foal, of course. I suspect you two consummated your relationship the first night you met. That night was, as I outlined in detail, the most romantic evening of the century thus far.”
Twilight Velvet roughly shook her head, trying to hide her eyes behind her mane. “That’s actually rather inappropriate, Princess. And no I’m not pregnant. Or anything of the sort.”
“Inappropriate?” Celestia blushed and brought a hoof to her mouth. “My deepest apologies, my dear Twilight Velvet; let’s talk about something more cheerful, then. How many times a week are you two having sex?”
Both unicorns gasped at the question—Twilight Velvet’s cheeks turning a deep red while Night Light’s eyes went as wide as dinner plates.
Night Light couldn’t even look Celestia in the eyes anymore. “Can you please tell us why you’re here, Princess? I don’t think either of us was ready for this line of questioning…”
Celestia’s good-natured smile slipped from her lips. “You mean… you two haven’t had sex yet? Not once? Not a single time? Nadda? Zip? Ziltch?”
The pair shook their heads.
Appearing on the verge of vomiting, Celestia scanned her scroll again and crossed out a half-dozen lines, muttering under her breath about pushing back construction dates and demolishing some half-finished magic school.
The Princess raised a sharp brow. “Do you two need assistance in the matter? I have books that basically explain the whole thing—pictures, too. Once you got it down, it’s honestly no big deal. One step, really. Or has the mood just not struck you yet? I have a great record collection you could borrow. You ever heard of that parasprite that sings those romantic songs? Berry Sprite?”
Night Light gulped dryly. “You see… the thing is, Princess…”
“We’re waiting until we get to know each other better,” Twilight Velvet firmly finished for him. “Sure, we’ve been on a few dates together and we do really like each other, but neither of us thinks the relationship’s worth risking by moving too fast and possibly ruining what we’ve created.”
Celestia’s mouth had edged into a deep set frown. “Well, I, for one, think you know each other fine. You both like magic. You’re both unicorns. And probably like sunsets, too. Who doesn’t? And obviously both of you like free gala events at the castle. And I’m sure you both like making your Princess and Ruler of Equestria happy and content. Oh, and I’m sure you both love not being banished to the ends of Equestria to never be heard from again.”
Twilight Velvet pursed her lips. “I think I like some of those things. Especially that last one.”
Celestia angrily pushed away from her chair and huffed at a strand of mane. “Fine. Take as long as you want. But sooner or later, I’m going to get my Twilight Sparkle from you two and she shall be eternal—shiny and sparkling.” She went to the door and opened it, taking a moment to look back at them. “But don’t forget, my star-crossed lovers, should you dare make me a stallion first, I’ll make sure he gets his ass royally handed to him each and every season finale he’s in. And opening!”
She then slammed the door on them, leaving the couple to stare at each other in wide-eyed terror.
“What did she mean by ‘season finale,’ Night Light?”
He shook his head. “I don’t know, honey.”
“Why don’t I feel in control of my life anymore?”
“Because I think we’ve both just entered a game we were never meant to fully understand.”
The silence hung in the room, until Twilight Velvet softly rested her head on Night Light’s shoulder. “Twilight Sparkle’s a nice name, though.”
He nodded and nuzzled into her. “Better than the one we thought of yesterday.”
“Which one was that again?”
“Sunset Shimmer.”
Author's Note
All right. Now I'm done. Or not. Who knows anymore.
This idea came up in the comments and I felt compelled to write it down. Mainly for the Shining Armor bit.
Twilight Sparkle knew something was off the moment she took a seat outside of Princess Celestia’s personal study. The fact that Celestia had refused to see her for the past two weeks had been odd enough, but what sealed the deal was the pair of changeling drones standing in front of a water cooler near the end of the hall.
Maybe that was why the receptionist had been so reluctant in letting Twilight into the castle in the first place.
As Twilight began to power up her horn and charge at the pair of pleasantly conversing changelings (each with a matching paper-clipped stack of papers held to their sides), she heard something far more pressing through the Princess’ doors.
“And that’s when I reveal myself and attack Luna?”
The voice of Queen Chrysalis.
***
“Get away from her this instant, you fiend!”
Following the bucking of the double doors right off their hinges, Twilight galloped into the study and pointed a leg at Queen Chrysalis, who viewed her wide-eyed and unsure. To her side stood Princess Celestia, perhaps even more shocked than Chrysalis was, her coat somehow appearing a little paler than usual.
“Oh… crap…” Chrysalis mumbled out.
Twilight fired a blast of magic from her horn which was instantly halted by a spell of Celestia’s.
Twilight gasped. “Queen Chrysalis must’ve hypnotized the Princess! I must get to my friends as soon as—”
Celestia held out a leg. “No, Twilight. That’s not what’s happening here. Let me try my best to explain.” She paused for a moment, mouth stuck in a grimace. “You see… uhh… sometimes ponies…”
Chrysalis chuckled at her. “Let’s see you try to worm your way around this, Princess.”
Celestia shot her a dirty look. “You see, Twilight, Chrysalis and I are actually… lovers! Yes, lovers!”
Chrysalis blanched. “What? Since when?”
With an assured nod, Celestia added, “So that’s why she’s here today! Yep. Nothing else in the works going on here! Just some odd love between responsible adults.” She turned to Chrysalis. “Come here, my little ladybug.”
When Celestia leaned in to give her a kiss, Chrysalis kept her at bay with a hoof to the forehead.
“Knock that off! We are not lovers of any sort!”
Awkwardly, Twilight took another step into the deathly silent room, never taking her eyes off the Queen. “Just what in Equestria is going on here? And why did I see two changelings out in the hall just a moment ago? Are we under attack again? Did we somehow make peace with the changelings without me knowing about it?”
Celestia tried to give her protégée a smile, a deep blush on both cheeks. “Give me just ten minutes and I’ll get back to you with all the answers you want, all right? So why don’t you—”
That was when another door to Celestia’s study opened up and King Sombra casually strolled in, his dark mane rolled up in a bunch of curlers and with the same batch of papers the changelings from before had.
“Can one of you help me with these contact lenses? I have no problem holding them, it’s just when I try to touch my eye—”
King Sombra stopped cold once he took notice of Twilight Sparkle in the room. Balanced on one of his hooves was a red and green contact lens. While one of his eyes was the standard venomous red and green, the other was nothing more than a soft pale blue.
“Oh, crap!” he exclaimed, instantly shaking his head from side to side to rid his mane of all its curlers. Afterwards, he gently tossed the bathrobe he had tied around his waist to the floor.
He lowered to the carpet to bare his teeth at her. His very standard looking teeth.
“Twilight Sparkle! The great King Sombra has returned! Now I shall have… all the crystals I want… and slaves, too! Don’t you dare go forgetting about those!”
He tightly pursed his lips in thought, before closing his eyes with a sigh.
“Sorry, but I’m just terrible at improv. I didn’t think we were doing this thing until well after dress rehearsals. Give me a second to glance over the script.”
With his horn, Sombra levitated his batch of papers off the floor and opened them, skimming some random lines.
By whatever he read, he seemed more enthused. “Hey! Awesome! I actually get some lines this time.” He spun to Celestia, who at that very moment appeared as if contemplating burrowing underground and living out the remainder of her days in the dirt’s soft embrace. “You promised me a back-story last time. Am I finally getting one?”
Celestia brought two hooves to cover her face. “Go to page one-hundred and four; I think that’s where it starts.”
Happily, Sombra sat on the carpet and did just that, chuckling to himself every couple of pages.
By that point in time, Twilight had crossed half the room to glare at her mentor. “Now can you tell me what’s going on? And just why both Queen Chrysalis and King Sombra are in Canterlot? In your own personal study, at that?”
Celestia sighed, then sat on the edge of her desk. Another opened copy of the script sat next to her resting plot, while a finely detailed map of some disastrous battlefield lay spread across the rest of it. Large red Xs dotted the map—the names “CHRYSALIS”, “SOMBRA”, “TIREK”, and many more indicating which X meant who.
“You ever wonder, Twilight,” Celestia began to say tiredly, “just why it seems at the end of every year, you and your friends are faced with more difficult enemies than most, thereby learning the limits of magic and friendship and trust by overcoming them?”
Twilight furrowed her brows as her ears flattened. “Because evil must be stopped no matter what the costs?”
Celestia raised a brow. “But always at the same time every year?”
Twilight didn’t like where this was heading. “Coincidence?”
Celestia continued quietly, “During our first few dozen years as rulers, my sister and I learned a great deal about life and love and friendship through hardship—usually the type of hardship found while pitted against monsters and foes seemingly stronger than we ever thought possible. But, time and again, we did just that. And even if we did not defeat them outright, we instead showed them the true power of friendship and began a peaceful existence between us all. That was just what happened between Chrysalis and her changelings, the first time we all sparred.”
Twilight’s eyes went back and forth from Celestia to Chrysalis.
“So we’re not at war with the changelings? We never were at war with them? And you two are actually friends?”
Chrysalis laughed deeply. “I wouldn’t go as far as to use the term ‘friend,’ but rather ‘warm acquaintance.’ Many years ago, I’d wanted all of Equestria to myself, but was shown the error of my ways. Now my colony lives freely in its own part of the world and thrives better than it ever had, trading what we can while receiving a healthy supply of highly concentrated love from right here in Canterlot.”
Twilight had trouble finding the words to continue the conversation. “So… so that means everything at my brother’s wedding… was… what? An act?”
Chrysalis smirked. “Exactly! And what fun that was! Getting to knock Celestia down like that! You know how many times we went through that part in rehearsals? Like seven times! I kept on breaking character, I was laughing so hard!”
With a snort, Chrysalis brought a hoof to her mouth to try and hold in her giggles.
Twilight turned to Celestia. “So has any of it been real?”
Celestia glanced around the room uneasily. “Most of it, yes. What you and your friends got up to before and after the yearly finales was mostly of your own creations. What my sister and I did… was basically help you fill in the missing villain categories. Since she and I already dealt with them thousands of years ago, we kinda had to improvise a bit.”
“So Luna was in on it, too?”
“Your first battle was against Nightmare Moon, remember? But Luna had a great time clashing with you all. She’s always been more of the combative type.”
On the verge of pulling out every strand of hair from her mane, Twilight tried to subdue that urge by pacing around the room. “So what about Sombra? Or Tirek and Discord? What about them?”
Celestia chuckled dryly. “King Sombra’s been dead for a great many years. He was too vile and too evil to be left alive when he first came to our attention. That’s why we later hired an actor to portray him. That’s Scene Break, over there, if you were wondering. He’s been waiting to portray Sombra again for sometime.”
The stallion dressed up as Sombra pulled himself away from his script, flashing her a grin. “I actually do dinner theater on the weekends. You ever get a chance to see West Side Pony? I was the lead in that. Although it’s nowhere near the same league as Celestia’s productions; I mean… empires made of crystal and giant smoke machines and the super bright power of true love? I love it! It’s fantastic! It’s like acting without a net!”
He asked Celestia, “When’s my costume supposed to be ready? I kinda need at least an hour or so to get in the zone, you know? Get into the head-space of Sombra. Sit in a closet with the lights off; blaring repetitive music on full blast.”
Celestia rolled her eyes. “It won’t be back from the blacksmith until four. Until then, go over your lines and try to fix up your mane.”
With a hoof, Twilight moved Celestia’s head so she was looking at her again.
“Tirek and Discord?” she asked.
A faint, dreamy expression overtook Celestia’s face. “Tirek was an old college friend—played on the hoovesball team and everything. A real jock, you know? I called in a favor and he said he was interested. Discord… well, Discord’s always been in the mood for these big finales. Also, I might have dated him for a bit a few thousands years ago, but let’s not get into that now.”
Twilight shut her eyes and grumbled, “No. Let’s not.”
Pop!
In a flash of white light, Discord snapped into the room, a large platter of cheese cubes perched on the tips of his eagle’s claws.
“Celestia! We must discuss the state of these so-called cheese platters.”
He angrily threw the dish to the floor.
“If you think for just a second that I’d be able to act with such subpar cheese, then you’re just—”
Discord’s red and yellow eyes finally found the grumbling Twilight. He turned to Celestia, giggling merrily. “Oh, crap! Looks like someone’s in trouble!”
Celestia fixed him a cold stare. “Did everyone need to stumble into my study today by accident?”
Discord busied himself by filing a claw. “Oh, I came here on purpose. When I heard Twilight Sparkle was in here and that all the cats had exploded out of the bag and hit the fan on the ceiling, I knew I had to join in on the surprise.” He chuckled. “But it sure was a good ride while it lasted, wasn’t it?”
Twilight pointed a hoof at each one of the “villains” in turn.
“Discord, Chrysalis, Sombra, those changelings out in the hall…” Exhaling loudly, she asked Celestia, “Just how many villains were supposed to be in this ‘finale,’ exactly?”
With a larger blush than before, Celestia spent her time chewing on her lip.
“All of them?”
***
At the wide circular table, Twilight Sparkle sat with a deep-set frown, a tall plate of cut up fruits and vegetables close at hoof. (The food had come from the large crafts table just outside the room.) Next to that was her own copy of the finale’s script, titled: “AN END TO ALL HEROES”.
Below that, it read:
Directed by Princess Celestia
Written by Princess Celestia
Story by Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Discord, and A. K. Yearling
Funded by the Canterlot Society of the Performing Arts and the Lifelong Friendship Institute
On the other side of the table, Celestia read on: “This is when Flim and Flam are unexpectedly betrayed by Ahuizotl and flung far off the cliff, disappearing into a pit of darkness.”
Seated two chairs away from Twilight, Flim and Flam read their single word line together:
“Arhgghhhgshshhsafahhafhfa!”
“Discord enters the scene,” Celestia narrated.
Unable to keep still while delivering his lines, Discord hopped up onto the table with rolled up script in hand.
“Ahuizotl, I presume! I would call you a worthy foe, but I find myself not in the jolliest of moods right this second. Hand over the Crystal Heart you stole and I’ll see to it that you survive my upcoming storm of chaos. But if you don’t—”
Celestia cut him off. “But, unbeknownst even to Discord, Princess Twilight Sparkle patiently waits in the shadows before making herself known.”
All forty-six ponies and creatures seated around the table turned to stare at her.
With a sigh, Twilight crossed two legs across her chest.
“These lines are terrible. I can’t see myself ever saying anything even close to this.”
Celestia gently set down her script. “Well, since we never know exactly what you’ll say on the night, we’ve always just replaced your dialogue with filler speech. Or what we think you might say should the situation arise.”
Twilight stared at her morosely.
Celestia gave her a thin smile. “You did agree to help us with our table read.”
Twilight read the line as flatly as she could, “Stop what you are doing this instant, Discord. I’ll have you know the power of friendship will always overcome your villainous ways, no matter the circumstances. My friends and I have already defeated your robot army and returned from that parallel black and white Equestria you trapped us in. We've also visited Tirek during his time in rehab and helped plan out Trixie's wedding to herself. King Sombra’s secret marriage to Queen Chrysalis may have come as a surprise to us all, but never shall we be made fools of again.”
Twilight looked up.
“’Never shall we be made fools of again’? Really?”
Discord ran a claw across his face.
“Can we get Twilight’s stand-in to read with us again? I’m just not feeling it with her, and I just don’t think I’ll have anything to work with.”
Someone lightly tapped Twilight on the shoulder.
“I can take over, if you want.”
Standing behind her was Derpy Hooves, clad in a tri-colored purple wig with matching tail piece.
Twilight glared at Celestia across the table again.
“Seriously? Like… seriously?” she fumed. “After this is over, you and I are going to have ourselves a very serious discussion, I hope you know.”
Celestia awkwardly took a long sip from her white Diamond Bucks cup.
Then, for the next three and a half hours, Twilight Sparkle sat in the corner and watched in muted awe as Derpy Hooves managed to act more like Twilight Sparkle than even Twilight Sparkle could.
Overall, it was a very bizarre day, indeed.
Author's Note
Sorry. This was a very bad idea that came to mind weeks ago and then kept pestering me to write down.
Also, I wrote this because I'm a large fan of behind the scenes antics, so the idea of actors actually playing the show's villains always interested me.
Again. Sorry. 
Bonus Chapter: Sponsored by Diamond Bucks
As another comet sailed overhead and slammed into the ground creating an instant crater, Twilight Sparkle finished off her second bag of chips and got started on her third.
Clearly uninterested, she watched as Applejack lassoed a retreating changeling and pulled him to the ground, hogtying its legs together.
Applejack shot her an icy look. “Really, Twilight? More chips? Don’t you think you could pig out some other time—like maybe when Equestria isn’t under attack by every single villain we’ve ever faced, all at once!?”
With her horn, Twilight levitated another potato chip to her mouth, before taking a pull from her pop. She didn’t even waver an inch when another comet (made from cardboard and other lightweight materials) nearly clipped the tips of her mane.
“I’m sure everything will work out fine, Applejack,” she said tiredly. “Always has before, hasn’t it?”
Applejack held her hat to her chest. “You may be right about that, Twilight, but this here just seems so much bigger than usual. And darn confusing, too! I have no idea who’s on our side or who’s trying to kill us or steal the Crystal Heart or what anymore!”
Twilight belched loudly, before muttering, “…just wait until you get a load of next year’s finale.”
Underneath a sky of swirling crimson-colored clouds, King Sombra appeared between the pair of mares. He laughed deep within his throat—the same laugh Scene Break had been practicing on all afternoon.
He sneered at Twilight. “So comes your end, Princess! Any last words before you join that traitorous draconequus in the pits of eternal darkness?”
Twilight rolled her eyes and brought a hoof to her ear as someone spoke to her.
“The line is: no more words, Sombra, only one last sight—the sight of your true self.”
It was Celestia again, feeding her her lines. Too bad Twilight had gone off the script hours ago.
Twilight shook her head. “I’m not saying any of that.”
Then she retrieved from her saddlebag a circular golden mirror, which she held up to King Sombra weakly.
By the sight alone, Sombra shrieked, bringing both hooves up to his cheeks.
“No! Not the Mirror of All-knowing Truth!” he yelled, elongating each word out with a dramatic flair.
Twilight nodded a single time. “Yes. Exactly what you said. That.”
A bright beam of light shot forth from the small mirror, enveloping Sombra’s entire body as he writhed around and screamed. When the light faded away, Sombra laid motionless on the ground, his dark coat miraculously now a pale blue and his horn no longer red and curved.
Rainbow Dash hovered overtop of Twilight.
“Jeeze, Twilight! What’d’ya do to the guy!?”
Twilight angled the Mirror of All-knowing Truth to skim the note card taped to the bottom.
“The mirror gave Sombra back his soul—the one that was cursed and blackened centuries ago. And I’m sure some other things too… whatever.”
Fluttershy went to stand over the unconscious Sombra.
“I hope he gets better soon,” she said softly. “I can’t imagine losing anyone else today, not after Discord sacrificed himself by giving over his life energy to the Tree of Harmony so the cloud of poison joke wouldn’t overtake Canterlot and kill Celestia and Luna that would’ve eventually paved the way for Chrysalis to take over again and turn the whole pony population into bland tasting cantaloupe.”
Rarity put a hoof on her shoulder. “I think you’re getting the facts a little wonky here, darling. It was actually Tirek that wanted Canterlot again, but had used a fake Chrysalis to make it look like it was her all along.” She blinked a couple times, before staring at the rest of them. “Right? That’s what happened, right? We’re all on the same page? Oh, why does this battle seem so much more difficult than usual?”
Twilight loudly munched on another chip. “Fifth anniversary, probably.”
Rarity turned to her. “What was that?”
“Nothing. Never mind.”
Celestia spoke in her ear again:
“Make sure you mention Diamond Bucks while you take a drink from your Diamond Bucks cup.”
Twilight tried to speak just out of the side of her mouth.
“Why should I do that?” she grumbled.
“Because this finale, we’re sponsored by them. Also, it’s the next plot point.”
Exhaling loudly, Twilight took a white Diamond Bucks cup from her bag and pretended to take a sip. She sighed contently.
“Sure do like me some of that Diamond Bucks coffee,” she said flatly. “How I got it in the middle of an active battlefield is beyond me, but, hey, here it is!”
Pinkie Pie bounced next to her. “You got a Diamond Bucks coffee too!?” She flipped her mane around so a matching white Diamond Bucks coffee tumbled out. “Aren’t they just the best? Especially the double-chocolate mocha latte supreme with extra whipping cream and extra chocolate shavings! Now on sale for only three bits all this week!”
Twilight frowned and hissed into her earpiece.
“You never told me Pinkie Pie was in on all this!”
“She’s not,” Celestia answered. “She just really likes that place for some reason.”
Rarity flicked a bit of her burnt mane from her eyes. “As much as I like a nice espresso as much as the next mare, I don’t think now is quite the time to grab one. Also, what coffee shop in Equestria would stay open during all this?”
“Maybe mine would.”
All six of them turned to find Discord, clad in a barista’s uniform and holding a tray of steaming coffees. Instantly, Fluttershy flew to him and gave his side a squeeze.
“Discord! I knew you weren’t really dead! Or had actually betrayed us for the eleventh time in just a single day for no good reason!”
He absently patted her on the head. “That’s very nice of you to say, Fluttershy. And while it is true that I should very well be dead and in the ground, I came back for one very specific reason.” He took a deep breath and gave a pause. “And that is… to tell you… that…”
Then he froze in place. And stayed like that.
Twilight whispered into her earpiece again. “What’s he doing!?”
“Waiting out the commercials… also, selling the cliffhanger like a boss.”
Twilight mashed what chips remained in her bag between her hooves.
She said to Celestia: “I am so co-directing next year’s finale! Hope you got your dancing shoes ready, Celestia, because we're going musical!”
Author's Note
All right. No more. I promise. I had one last idea of Twilight asking for 20 percent of merchandizing profits and then demanding a Spike action figure with interchangeable mustache alongside the other characters, but... meh.
Here's two clips to best sum-up this odd fic. Thanks for all the thumbs, favs, and comments.
