F.B.G.M.

by buttboob

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Dark
Length: 1039

Craziest thing you will ever read

THE MOST INTENSE FANFIC YOU WILL EVER READ IN YOUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-05-28 08:14:02 UTC

The Most Intense Thing Ever!

Once upon a time there was a bombass stallion named Rambo. He like to play video games and watch T.V. and MLP (My Little Person). One day he was chilling out at his house as his best friend, Chops, walked in. "Dude! you gotta come check out this fight going down in the center of town!" to which Rambo replied "Is it Bill and Ted?" "Yeah dude, how did you know?" "Ever since Bill opened up that grocery store and started not giving the right amount of change back, Ted has been in his muzzle." "Oh. So are you gonna come watch the fight before the cops break it up or not?" "Ugh, fine. Lets go."

           ***************

When our heroes approached the town square, they were greeted by the loud and obnoxious yells of the townsponies watching the fight. “Break his neck!” “Jab his eyes out” “Poop on him!”. “Dude, this is getting pretty brutal.” said Rambo. “Well, lets get close enough to see it before it ends!” replied Chops. With that, they started to weave their way through the crowd of ponies around the two fighters. “I hope you’re ready to get your shit slapped!” Bill screamed. “I’m sick of you stealing from the good ponies of Ponyville!” Ted said as he spun to buck Bill in the face. Then, all of the sudden, the fight kicked into overdrive.

Ted was on his front hooves, reared up to buck Bill in the muzzle, when out of nowhere, Bill slid down underneath Ted, and bit down on his left leg. Then, with a swift motion, he tugged it out from underneath him, making Ted fall down and bust his face on the concrete. As he hit the ground, a loud crack was heard, and blood started coming out of Ted’s nose. He acted like nothing happened though, and just stood up, ready to fight even more. Bill had served in the royal guard though, so he had much more hoof to hoof training than Ted did, which greatly weighed in his favor.

Bill didn’t hesitate to use his skills to his advantage either too. he quickly brought a hoof across Ted’s face, busting his muzzle. Then, while Ted was on the ground, Bill decided to bring up reason. “I’ve fought many battles, boy. Are you sure you don’t want to just drop it and carry on about your business.” Bill said. “No way! I’m not about to let you steal from the ponies of Ponyville any longer if i can!” and, with that final statement, Ted pulled out a long, sharp carving knife and stabbed it into Bill’s left leg. The knife pierced all the way to the bone, and then the leg started to spray blood profusely onto the ground. Without so much as a peep of pain, Bill brought his right leg, and smashed it down onto Ted’s neck with enough force to completely break his spine.

Bill didn’t stop there, though. As soon as he first killed Ted, the police showed up. A squad of unicorns, all equipped with 9 millimeters. They all pulled out their weapons, aiming at Bill’s head. Bill didn’t care. Ted had stabbed him, and that was an act of war that nopony could pull on him. Bill started smashing his right hoof over and over into Ted’s neck and skull. “Bill! This is the Ponyville police! you are surrounded and ordered to stop desecrating Ted’s corpse Immediately!”

Bill didn’t care still. He just kept stomping on the skull and neck of what had once been Ted. Now Ted was just a lifeless body whose head had been turned into a pulp. Bill’s hooves are encrusted with blood almost entirely, from both Ted and himself. “SIR! I am ordering you to stand down, and put your front hooves behind your hind legs! You will be fired upon if you fail to do so!” Bill had made Ted’s skull completely mush. He had skull fragments coming out of his eye sockets, while his eyes themselves were ripped apart and pierced atop what had once been the end of his cerebral chord. His muzzle looked like a jacket that had been put on the ground over a puddle and stomped on, so that it was deformed in places and soaked. Except it wasn’t soaked with water, it was soaked with blood.

“BILL! This is your final warning! If you continue you will be shot!” As the final thought of stopping left Bill’s head, he knew that his life was shortly going to be over. He decided that he had lived a good enough life that he would be okay with his ending. He felt that he would die giving ponies a lesson that they wouldn’t soon forget. The lesson that, if you try to fight with a pony who has served in combat, and that is trained in combat, you’re going to get your shit slapped.

“Alright officers, we have given him warnings. Open Fire!” When the officers started to discharge their weapons, it sounded like a thousand sonic rainboom happening at once. The officers all unloaded their entire magazine at the same time. It may have been overkill, having a squad of policeponies all dump out 12 bullets into a single buck at the same time, but what else do they have to do? It’s fucking Ponyville. Nothing ever happens. This was probably  the highlight of their whole working lives.

As soon as the police were done massacring Bill, they ushered everyone back to their homes. So, our heroes had to go back to the home of Rambo. “Dude, that was awesome.” said Rambo. “I know! Aren’t you glad i told you this was going to happen?” “Yeah dude for sure. Do you want to go back to my place and play Ponybox?” “Fuck yeah dude!” And with that, our heroes set off, to go home and play video games until their eyes looked like those weird gummy eyeball candies that have the veins obviously painted on. Or until they got cancer from looking at a T.V. screen too long.

“Hey dude, what’s that thing you always say?” asked Chops. “F.B.G.M.” replied Rambo.

“Oh, cool.”

The End.