Sometimes Maps Are Dumb

by HoofBitingActionOverload

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Trixie, Comedy
Length: 4520

Twilight's magical map calls Trixie to solve the llamas' friendship problem, but Trixie's true reasons for accepting aren't entirely altruistic and she may not be nearly as over being upstaged by Twilight in the past as she lets on.

There's another friendship crisis in another far away place, this time the land of the llamas, and Twilight's magical map once again calls on a heroic pony to solve it. But this time the map doesn't call Twilight or any of her friends, this time it calls somepony else entirely.

But Trixie's true reasons for accepting the map's call may not be wholly altruistic, and it turns out she's not nearly as over being upstaged by Twilight during their past encounters as she lets on.

May the gods have mercy on those poor llamas.

Published 2015-09-13 16:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2015-09-13 16:10:02 UTC

This Time, For Example

The crystalline map sparkled and glittered in the throne room of Twilight Sparkle’s sparkling, glittering crystal castle in its usual crystaly, sparkly, glittery sort of way. What was unusual was that an unfamiliar cutie mark symbol had appeared over one of the far corners of the map. Much to Twilight's consternation, it didn’t match her or any of her friends’ cutie marks.

“And it’s been there since last night?” Applejack asked, examining the errant cutie mark.

“Yeah, I haven’t even had a chance to sleep yet.” Twilight took another gulp of coffee and wiped her frizzy, uncombed mane away from her eyes. “The map is only supposed to call us, the former Elements of Harmony. That’s how it’s supposed to work. I think. Or at least I thought. This could big. Huge! Groundbreaking!”

Applejack yawned. A few minutes earlier she had been lying in bed at Sweet Apple Acres, just about ready to get up. And then her room had disappeared and she had been dropped onto the cold hard floor of Twilight’s castle and assailed by an over-caffeinated Twilight Sparkle.

Applejack would have been annoyed, but it wasn’t the first time and it wouldn’t be the last, and Twilight looked kind of cute with her mane all frizzy. “You have any idea what place it’s hangin’ over?” she asked. The cutie mark hovered over a clump of mountains and jungles along the edge of the map.

“Of course!” Twilight grabbed one of a dozen atlases off the floor and opened it for Applejack to see. “It appears to be the Lloronda Jungle, home of the llamas.”

“What’s a llama?”

“A race distantly related to camels,” Twilight said. “I checked my library, but I couldn’t find much information on them or their culture. They’re apparently very reclusive.”

“And you don’t know whose cutie mark that is yet?”

“I know exactly whose cutie mark it is.” Twilight said, frowning. “Whose cutie mark it is is exactly the problem. You really don’t recognize it?”

Applejack looked intently at the hovering cutie mark. It was in the shape of a wand and aurora. Her eyes narrowed and then widened. “Oh no…”

Then the doors to the throne room burst open, a cloud of bluish smoke spread through the room, and an outlandishly dressed unicorn waltzed inside. “Trixie’s posterior is glowing,” she cried. “And Trixie doesn’t like it.”

__________________________________________________

“So all Trixie must do to cease the glowing of her posterior is travel to this jungle and make friends with the llama creatures?” Trixie asked, lounging on Twilight’s throne, her cutie mark’s glow reflecting off its crystal exterior.

“More or less,” Twilight said, taking yet another gulp of coffee.

Trixie tried to appear opulent and nonchalant while sitting on the throne, but the effect was ruined by her red-rimmed eyes and bedraggled appearance. “Trixie would like to cease the glowing as soon as possible. It makes sleeping difficult.”

“No kiddin’,” Applejack said from her own throne, looking bored.

“Trust us, we know,” Twilight said, remembering sleepless nights and futile attempts to cover butts with sheets, tape, and bags on the journey to Starlight Glimmer’s village.

“Excellent!” Trixie clapped her hooves. “If that is all Trixie must do, this will be easy. Trixie does not mean to brag when she says that she is something of a master of making friends. It is a simple fact fact that most ponies find her very pleasant to be around. A very appealing mate, most say.”

Applejack raised an eyebrow at that, but kept quiet.

“Well, confidence is certainly important,” Twilight said. “But you don’t have this quite right. You don’t need to become friends with llamas, you need to help the llamas become friends with each other. We can’t be certain what problem you’re being sent to solve, but demonstrating the values of friendship will likely be part of the solution.”

Trixie rolled her eyes. “An insignificant distinction. Trixie can assure you, she is well versed in the studies of friendship. Why, just look at the three of us! It was with great skill and success that Trixie was able to befriend both of you, yes?”

Applejack and Twilight said nothing.

Trixie cleared her throat. “So, when are we off? Trixie greatly looks forward to going on this journey with you.” She stared at Twilight, a strange look in her eyes, something between a smile and a leer.

“We aren’t goin’ anywhere with you,” Applejack said.

Trixie looked from Applejack to Twilight. “What does the unmannered farm pony one mean?”

“The map called you specifically, no one else,” Twilight explained. “If the rest of us were meant to go, the map would have called us, but it didn’t. For better or for worse, you will be going to Lloronda and the llamas alone.”

Trixie’s eyes widened. “You entrust this mission to Trixie alone?”

“Well, the map does,” Twilight said. “Whatever the llamas' problem is, the map says you’re the pony to solve it.”

“What you’re saying is,” Trixie said, grinning, “that Trixie has some exceptional quality that no other pony possesses, that Trixie is special, and that Trixie is the only pony alive or dead that can accomplish this task!”

“I mean, kind of, I guess...”

“Do not be modest, dear Princess. Trixie has no use for modesty.” Her grin widened. “Ah, this is ironic, isn’t it? Princess Twilight Sparkle comes groveling on her knees to beg the Great and Powerful Trixie for help.”

“It’s really just the map—”

“Grovel no longer!” Trixie declared, jumping off the throne. “Trixie accepts! She will solve your llama problem, take on the role of your magical envoy, spread friendship to lands far and wide! Trixie will not disappoint.” She winked at Twilight. “A performance from the Great and Powerful Trixie never disappoints.”

Then Trixie made a gallant charge past Twilight and Applejack and out through the doors of the castle.

Twilight watched her leave. “Where is she going? I never told her how to get there.”

“Maybe she thinks she’s gonna run all the way there,” Applejack said.

“This is a mistake, isn’t it?”

“You said it yourself,” Applejack said with a shrug, “the map chose her. Must have had some reason for it.”

“I guess.” Twilight sighed and walked towards the door. “I’d better go find her and make sure she actually knows where she’s going.”

_________________________________________________

Trixie stood proudly on the deck of the small ship that had carried her to Lloronda, at Twilight’s expense of course. She held her head high as the crew hustled and bustled around her. The ship floated along a wide, brown, slow-moving river towards a wooden dock. Tall, tree covered mountains rose up around them on all sides.

All according to Trixie’s plan. Well, not exactly. Being called upon to personally service the Princess had been unexpected, but part of being a good showmare was knowing how to take advantage of unexpected opportunities. And Trixie was a whole lot more than just a good showmare.

What an opportunity it was, too! Trixie had planned out a dozen different schemes to earn Twilight’s favor, but none so perfect as this. Destiny, it seemed, was on her side.

Trixie would expertly, gloriously, spectacularly solve the llama’s silly little friendship problem, amaze the Princess, and then return to Ponyville to sweep Twilight off her hooves. It would be a whirlwind romance. Songs would be sung of their courtship for centuries after.

The Great and Powerful Trixie, Consort to the Princess of Friendship. Her head felt light just thinking about it.

Not that Trixie cared anything for Twilight. She found the Princess and her smug talk of friendship and humility mostly irritating. But there were dues to be paid, vengeance to be wrought, and a good showmare knew never let personal feelings interfere with a performance.

Trixie had long accepted that she couldn’t best Twilight in a straight duel, at least not yet. But there were other ways to conquer a rival. Love was a battlefield, so they said.

Princess Twilight wouldn’t know what hit her. And neither would the llamas.

The ship stopped, was tied to the dock, and the gangplank lowered. Trixie strode onto the dock, proclaiming in a loud voice, “Llamas of Lloronda, your troubles are at an end, for the Great and Powerful Trixie, envoy of Princess Twilight Sparkle, and Purveyor of Friendship has arrived, and she comes bearing—”

Trixie gasped. Standing around the dock, she saw a group of hairy, misshapen creatures. They had funnel-like necks, squished faces like bruised tomatoes, long bodies, pompom tails, and stood on twig-thin legs that didn’t look like they could have supported even a bedside table.

“What is that?” she asked the nearest sailor.

“Llamas, I’d guess,” he said.

She nearly fainted. “They’re hideous!”

The sailor shrugged.

Trixie took a deep breath, put on a showmare’s smile, and stepped towards the nearest llama. “Good day, smelly llama creature! I am the Great and Powerful Trixie. Trixie has come to raise you and your lowly brethren up out of the mire into the fold of civilization. She has come to bestow upon you the gift of friendship. What say you?”

The llama, a dark brown color, taller than her, and older-looking, eyed her curiously. It cocked its head to the side and made a sound like it was clearing its throat.

Confidence returning, Trixie gracefully strolled towards it. “Trixie promises you, there is no reason to be afraid. Trixie understands that it must be embarrassing to suddenly find yourself in the presence of such outstanding beauty and talent, however, she is merely here to help.”

The llama stepped closer to her and leaned down.

Trixie winced at its appearance, but continued on. “Yes, I come bearing friendship by way of the authority of Princess Twilight Sparkle. Now let’s hurry this along. Trixie has not had a good night’s sleep in weeks.”

The llama seemed to consider something, then it opened its mouth and spit in Trixie’s face.

__________________________________________________

“And then it spit on Trixie! Right in her face!” Trixie wailed, sitting on Twilight’s throne and slurping loudly on a milkshake. “She had no choice but to return immediately. Trixie will not endure such an insult, such barbariosity!”

Sitting in her own throne, Applejack snickered.

Trixie glared at her.

“According to this,” Twilight said, flipping through one of the few books on llama culture she had found, “llamas spit when they feel insulted or irritated.”

“Savages!” Trixie cried, and slurped on her milkshake. “Trixie did no such thing. All she did was offer to help, and they threw that offer back in in her face. With spit!”

“You sure that’s all you did?” Applejack asked.

“What are you implying, farm pony?”

“I’m implyin’ that I doubt llamas’ will spit in anypony’s face just for offerin’ to help,” Applejack said casually. “You go around throwin’ a lot of that ‘Great and Powerful Trixie’ this and ‘amazing Trixie’ that while you were there?”

Trixie slurped on her milkshake and glared down at the map. “Trixie doesn’t know what you mean.”

Twilight gave Applejack a look and then turned to Trixie. “All Applejack is saying is that you might want to rethink your approach. Instead of coming to them as a showmare, maybe come to them as a pony? Interact on a more personal level?”

“It doesn’t matter. Trixie will not return.”

Twilight groaned. “Is your cutie mark still glowing?”

Trixie repositioned her cloak to better cover her flanks. “It might be.”

“Then the job’s not done,” Applejack said.

Twilight nodded. “As long as the llama’s problem remains unsolved, your cutie mark will keep glowing.”

“Then solve it yourself,” Trixie said, glowering. “You love nothing more than upstaging me. Go ahead.”

Applejack rolled her eyes and started to say something, but Twilight shushed her. Instead, Twilight said gently, “No, Trixie, I can’t do this. Only you can.”

Trixie’s eyes flashed up. “You think this is something that Princess Twilight Sparkle can’t do but that the Great and Powerful Trixie can?”

“The map chose you, not me.”

Trixie chewed her lip. “And this map, is it magical?”

“Very,” Applejack said, holding back a smile. “Very magical and powerful-like.”

That answered seemed to please Trixie, and she smiled. “And you’re sure this map specifically chose the Great and Powerful Trixie for this quest?”

“Yes,” Twilight said. “Your mark is the one glowing.”

Trixie watched Twilight closely, and Twilight saw something intimate and vulnerable in her gaze. Finally, Trixie asked, “And Princess Twilight has chosen Trixie?”

Twilight shuffled in place. “Well, I’ve learned to follow the map’s judgements.”

“Okay, then.” Trixie stood up and tossed her milkshake aside. “The map chose the Great and Powerful Trixie! Princess Twilight Sparkle herself chose the Great and Powerful Trixie! So Trixie will return to Lloronda. She will come as a pony, she will interact on a more personal level with the hideous llama creatures, and she will not fail!”

Trixie whinnied and galloped out of the throne room in a glorious charge.

After she was gone, Applejack smirked at Twilight. “Who do you think this’ll turn out worse for, the llamas or the Great and Powerful Trixie?”

__________________________________________________

Trixie stood on the deck of a very familiar ship with a very familiar crew down a very familiar river surrounded by very familiar mountains towards a very familiar dock. She smiled as she watched the sailor ponies work. Her plan was progressing wonderfully. Out of the gut of despair that was the ugly llamas and their horrid disposition, Trixie had grasped the beginnings of victory.

Her courtship of Princess Twilight was going better than she had anticipated. She had seen it in Twilight’s eyes, heard it in her voice. Twilight favored her, believed in her, even felt sorry for her.

Trixie laughed at the idea that the Great and Powerful Trixie could ever be the subject of pity. As if her initial troubles with the smelly llamas had been anything other than the result of meticulous planning. A gambit to win the Princess’s sympathy, and it had worked perfectly. Twilight was too nice for her own good.

Now all Trixie had to do was quickly resolve the llama’s problem and then hurry back to Ponyville to ‘seal the deal,’ as the saying went.

When the ship stopped and the gangplank lowered, Trixie violated every showmare’s instinct in her body and exited the ship without any fanfare, not a single lit firecracker or sparkler.

She found the llamas just as deformed and abominable as she had left them, but this time she had prepared for the terrible sight appropriately. She barely gagged at the sight of them at all.

The llamas, for their part, didn’t seem to notice or care about her arrival. Trixie had been so distracted by their appearance that she hadn’t noticed last time, but watching them now she saw that they didn’t seem to notice or care about anything. Their faces had a look of vacant apathy. The scene was eerily silent. The llamas never spoke to each other, she realized.

Trixie cautiously approached a llama that didn’t appear busy. He was leaning against the side of a hut, his fur a soft tan color. He must have been younger, as he was shorter than most of the others, about Trixie’s height.

“Hello, sir,” she called to him.

He slowly raised his head to look at her. He blinked once. “Hey,” he said.

Trixie froze, waiting for him to spit at her. But when no projectiled saliva was fired, she came nearer. “I am the Great and Powerful Trixie, envoy of Princess Twilight Sparkle. Trixie has come to offer aid.”

He blinked at her. “Aid?”

“Help,” she said.

“Help with what?”

“Help with anything,” Trixie explained. “Help with everything.”

The llama looked about himself, then looked back at her, then looked around again, then looked back at her again, and then blinked. “No, I think I’m okay.”

Trixie opened her mouth to explain that the chance of receiving help from one as great and powerful as the Great and Powerful Trixie was a rare thing and a foolish offer to refuse, but then the llama walked away.

“Where are you going?” she called after him.

“On a walk,” he said.

She followed him. “May Trixie join you?”

He shrugged.

Trixie stepped in beside him. He walked at a sluggish pace, hardly moving at all. “Where are we going?” she asked.

“Around,” he said.

Trixie decided then that she didn’t like this llama very much.

He appeared to be leading her deeper into town, though a caterpillar could have made better time. The town was little more than a collection of small huts, and llamas ambled about just as lethargically and aimlessly as the difficult one Trixie had so unfortunately engaged.

“What is your name?” Trixie asked him.

“Ajtzak,” he said.

“It is good to make your acquaintance, Ajtzak.”

He grunted.

“Can you tell me anything about the llamas?” she asked. “Any sort of troubles, especially troubles that a very magical, very great, and very powerful pony might be able to help with?”

“I can’t think of anything particular,” he said.

“How about friends? Do most llamas have many friends? Do you get along with each other?”

“We don’t really do that.”

“Don’t do what?”

“Friends,” he said.

Trixie smiled. Finally, she was getting somewhere. “Do you llamas have trouble working together then?”

“We don’t really do that either,” he said.

“Aha!” she cried. “Then that is what I must do. Ajtzak, today Trixie is going to help you make a friend, and then she will teach you how to work together!”

“No thanks,” he said.

Trixie laughed. “Trixie was once like you,” she said, and nodded sagely. “Ignorant and shortsighted, oblivious to the obvious benefits of friendship. She cared only for her independence, and cared nothing for anypony else. But that time is no longer, and she can assure you that her life has at least marginally improved since then. Come, smelly llama, Trixie will teach you.”

Ajtzak stopped walking, turned to her, spit in Trixie’s face, turned back around, and kept walking.

Trixie screamed.

__________________________________________________

Applejack and Twilight sat down in the castle’s dining hall for a pleasant lunch of daisy sandwiches and a variety of generic apple products. Eventually, the discussion turned to the state of ponykind’s most recently attempted friendship conquest.

“Not well,” Twilight said. “I received periodic reports from Trixie for several weeks before she stopped writing, each more frustrated than the last. Apparently the llamas keep spitting in her face.”

Applejack chuckled.

“It isn’t funny.” Twilight frowned at her.

“After what she put us through,” Applejack said, taking a bite from an apple and chewing loudly, “it’s at least a little bit funny.”

“That wasn’t entirely her fault. She was under the control of the alicorn amulet.”

“Don’t make it not funny when she gets her comeuppance.”

“This is serious,” Twilight said. “It would be funny if there wasn’t a real problem out there not getting solved. I do believe Trixie is doing her best, but it’s just…”

Applejack took another noisy bite. “It’s just that she’s really bad at it.”

Twilight sighed. “Unfortunately, yes. Why would the map ever choose to send her instead of one of us?”

“You think it might be broken?”

“Can enormously powerful and mysterious magical devices break?”

“Anything can break,” Applejack said.

Then the doors burst open and Trixie stumbled in. Her hat gone, her cloak in tatters, her mane and tail dirty and unkempt, a crazed look in her eyes. “Twilight Sparkle!” she cried, voice hoarse.

Twilight and Applejack ran to her. “Oh my gosh, are you okay?” Twilight asked.

“No!” Trixie shouted. “Trixie is not okay. The llamas keep spitting in her face!”

“It’s okay,” Twilight said, helping Trixie into a chair. “You don’t have to go back. Applejack and I will—”

“You will not!” Trixie growled, standing up and pushing them both aside. “Trixie will return! Oh yes, she will. She will return with the overwhelming might and terrible vengeance of the forsaken gods. Trixie will make them accept her friendship, or she will burn all of Lloronda. All will be friends, or all will be ash! Trixie only came to gather supplies and equipment for the final campaign.”

“What kind of equipment?” Applejack asked.

“Umbrellas! Hundreds of umbrellas, thousands of umbrellas.” Trixie laughed hysterically. “Let us see them spit on Trixie when she is protected by a wall of umbrellas a thousand smelly ugly llamas high!”

“Well…” Twilight scratched her head. “I guess we could get you some. Are you sure you want to go back? You don’t have to.”

“Trixie is certain. Trixie is the map’s chosen one.” Trixie turned a crazed eye on Twilight. “This is war.”

__________________________________________________

Trixie tripped on a root, but quickly picked herself up and kept running. Even at nighttime, the jungle was hot, and the sweat dripped down her forehead and into her eyes and mouth. She didn’t have time to rest or wipe it away. The smell of fire and the sound of foreign war chants were close behind her.

At last, she broke free from beneath the canopy, and the river and her ship were in sight. She galloped forth and across the gangplank shouting, “Go go go!”

The gangplank was raised and the ship shoved off.

On the bank of the river, an army of llamas gathered. Hundreds of them, standing at attention in organized columns, bearing torches and spiked objects of unambiguous purpose. At their head stood Ajtzak, decked head to double-toe in ornate silver armor. There was a fire in his eyes.

The look of vacant apathy was gone from all the llama’s faces. In its place was passion, rage, bloodlust, and hate.

It was the first time the llamas had worked together to do anything in centuries.

Trixie’s cutie mark finally ceased glowing.

“Bon voyage, ugly llama creatures!” she called to the llama army, waving. “Trixie knows that it will take some time for you to overcome your angry thoughts and thank her, but she also knows that deep down, you are all very grateful to her. Know that Trixie understands perfectly, wishes you no ill will, and accepts your apologies in advance.”

Trixie picked up her trusty umbrella, opened it, and pointed it towards the llamas. Moments later, hundreds of globs of projectiled saliva thudded against the outside of the umbrella.

Trixie grinned. She had done well. As she had told Twilight however many months earlier, a performance from the Great and Powerful Trixie never disappointed.

She had proven her worth, accomplished what no other pony could, spread friendship in a land where the native tongue had no word for ‘friend.’ Princess Twilight would be more than impressed. She would be eating out of Trixie’s hoof. She would beg Trixie to be her consort. All Trixie need do now was return to Ponyville, smile, and flutter her eyelashes a bit. Soon, in lands near and far, all would know the truth.

The Great and Powerful Trixie was the highest level unicorn.

__________________________________________________

“And that is how Trixie united the ancient llama tribes of Lloronda for the first time in hundreds of years, completing the map’s quest,” Trixie said. She lounged on Twilight’s throne and slurped on a milkshake.

“By irritatin’ the llamas into forming an army to banish you from their country?” Applejack asked.

“Exactly,” Trixie said, slurping away. “Trixie accepts that the genius of her plan may be lost on lesser minds.”

“But did you really have to burn down all those villages?” Twilight asked.

“Yes,” Trixie said, and slurped.

“Well, your mark has disappeared from the map,” Twilight said, gesturing to the location of Lloronda. “So at least it seems to consider your work finished.”

“Trixie accepts your congratulations.”

“You’ll also be happy to know what while the newly united tribes of Lloronda did initially declare war on Equestria, Celestia has managed to negotiate a peace treaty.”

“On the grounds that no ponies are allowed anywhere near Lloronda for at least a hundred years,” Applejack added.

“All has gone according to Trixie’s plan then.” Trixie looked down at Twilight, waggling her eyebrows about. “So what say you, Princess Twilight? Is Trixie not very impressive? She is very attractive to you now, no?”

Applejack’s eyes narrowed.

Twilight look confused. “Um, I guess so. Applejack and I actually have plans for today, though, so if you could—”

“That’s enough,” Trixie said, and slurped happily. “Trixie expected this and accepts your proposal. Trixie will pick you up tomorrow night at seven.”

Twilight and Applejack exchanged a look. “What are you talking about?” Twilight asked.

Trixie rolled her eyes. “Trixie is talking about the obvious. Trixie has just proven that she is best at spreading friendship, and since Princess Twilight is so obsessed with friends and friend things, and also because of Trixie’s ravishing good looks and multitude of other alluring qualities, Princess Twilight has fallen madly in love with Trixie.”

Applejack burst out laughing.

Twilight’s face turned red. “Oh, Trixie. I can’t—”

“Do not worry, my bookish, socially awkward Princess,” Trixie said, hopping off the throne and putting a hoof around Twilight’s shoulder. “You don’t have to do anything. Trixie will take care of everything from now on. It is the beginning of a new era for Equestria.”

“That’s not what I meant.” Twilight got out from underneath Trixie’s leg. “I meant to say that I’m already in a relationship.”

“What!” Trixie nearly dropped her milkshake. “Impossible! In a relationship with who?”

“Well, with Applejack,” Twilight said.

Applejack smiled and waved. “Howdy.”

This time, Trixie did drop her milkshake. “Absurd! She’s a farm pony, and the Great and Powerful Trixie is the Great and Powerful Trixie!”

Twilight shrugged.

“Trixie—This is—No pony ever—” Trixie fumed and stumbled over her words. “This is an outrage! An absolute outrage! Months of planning ruined simply because you had a sudden inexplicable craving for apple pie!”

Applejack laughed. “I’d like to think it was little bit more than that.”

“Oh, Trixie has no doubt, filthy farm pony.” Trixie huffed, picked up her milkshake off the ground, shook it, and started slurping again. “You have ruined everything. Trixie wasted months of her life with those stupid llamas, and all for nought!”

“Sorry,” Twilight said. “Oh, and one stipulation of the treaty with llama tribes was that you stand trial for alleged crimes committed during your time in Lloronda. The guards will be here to pick you up soon.”

Trixie gaped at her. “But Trixie helped the ugly llamas work together!”

“By burning down their villages,” Applejack said.

“Don’t worry,” Twilight said. “I spoke to Celestia and she assured me the trial is just a formality to fulfill the stipulations in the treaty. You won’t be charged with anything. Well, probably. But until the trial is over you will need to be taken into custody.”

“Will Trixie at least have time to finish her milkshake before the guards come get her?” Trixie asked.

Twilight frowned. “Probably not.”

“Oh,” Trixie said.

Trixie considered for a moment, and then began slurping vigorously and messily at her milkshake.