Chapters Chapter 1: Welcome to Humare Con
With my bags packed and my ticket in hand I set out of my apartment. Most people would probably question getting a random ticket in their mail to a convention they've never heard of, but I get a vacation that is all expense paid so why not? While walking down the steps I saw my landlord and gave her a wave. She smiled at me and waved goodbye.
She was such a nice lady. She cut my rent in half my first few months since I was in college so I didn't have to worry about it. I of course pay normal rent now, but I couldn't take advantage of her like that. The whole building was clean and pristine ever since I got here thanks to her. I wish I knew her better but I only speak to her on occasion.
I finally reached the bottom of the steps and looked over toward the mailboxes. The day I got the ticket was really strange now that I think about it. I mean my professor got sick , but they had a substitute that no one knew on hand. On it's own that's pretty normal, but he wasn't the only one because it also happened to the bus driver, that girl at the coffee shop, and even the guy that sells knock off watches was replaced by some dude.
I mean the same dude too. I'm not joking when I say that because everything about him aside from his clothes stayed the exact same. His face, his voice, even his eyes which were a sickly yellow and red color. I swear he was following me because every time I'd turn around I saw someone walk in the other direction. No one passed me on the way home that day.
I shook my head of my thoughts, no use thinking about it anyway. I walked over toward the front doors and pushed them open revealing a bustling city filled with people. The street was packed with cars and the sidewalk was filled with people just as it normally was, but something caught my eye.
Directly in front of me was a cab with that guy from a few days ago holding a sign in front of it.
'James Rutabaga'
"My names not Rutabaga it's-"
"Took you long enough to get ready Mr. Rutabaga. We have a schedule to keep!"
"Like I said my name isn't Rutabaga it's-"
"Just get in the cab sir," He said as he opened up the door and ushered me in. Remember this is the same dude that I swear was stalking me for the past few days so I was of course suspicious of him. I decided that he was some crazy that was just planning on doing strange shit to me if I went with him so I turned and started down the side walk while saying,
"See you later. Ya lunatic,"
"I want you to see what that ticket pays for," I wondered what he meant by that when I looked toward the ticket.
'Discorded cab service included '
"let me guess, you're part of this cab service?" I asked as I walked back to him with the ticket in hand.
"You'd be right. Now Mr. Rutabaga, would you kindly get in the cab?" I wasn't even going to try to argue over my last name anymore so I got in the cab though I kept a close eye on that guy the entire time. Just because he's part of the cab service doesn't mean I'm going to trust him with anything.
He got in the drivers seat and started the engine which exploded, literally! I'm not even joking because smoke was rising out of the engine, and he got back out of the cab to see what was wrong. I got out to so I could see if I could help at all, no reason to waste my vacation waiting to fix a cab.
"I don' t suppose you have any malk?" He asked,
"I have milk. Why do you need it anyway?"
"To fix the engine,"
"How is milk going to fix-" The engine flew out of the car before I could finish my question. I don't mean it went straight up either; I mean the engine grew wings and started flying out of the car!
"All fixed," He said as he shut the empty engine compartment. He walked back over to the drivers side before seeing me not moving, "What are you waiting for? Get in,"
"The engine grew fucking wings!"
"This car is a hybrid," He said as if this is the most normal thing in the world.
"That is...this is...Exactly what the hell is going on!"
"We're going to Humare Con. I thought you knew that?" That's it, I don't care for the free vacation I'm going back up to my apartment and I'm going to sell this ticket on ebay. Nothing is worth all this craziness at once! Before I could walk back to the door however I realized that everything was gone except the cab and him.
I looked all around for anything that would indicate what the hell was going on when I looked toward the guy. He opened the door back up for me and beckoned for me to get in,
"Please get in the cab, a friend of mine would really appreciate your attendance,"
"Why should I care? Also, BRING BACK THE GOD DAMN STREET!" I yelled toward the lunatic that was currently in front of me.
"Alright," he said in a downtrodden voice as he snapped his fingers and everything rushed back to its proper place. "I'm sorry for taking your time sir,"
Why was he so sad about me not wanting to be involved in all this craziness he just put me through? I thought about it for a moment before turning around to face him and asking,
"How important is this to your friend?" He seemed to perk up at my question and started,
"She would absolutely love to meet you, James. Trust me when I say this would change her world," How he said that last bit was a little ominous at best. Though he seemed to be ecstatic over talking about his friend; I think someone is crushing hardcore here. I sighed before walking over to him,
"I'll go, but I swear if you try knocking me out and sticking things in my butt I'll kill you,"
"What made you think I'd do that, James?"
"You've been stalking me for days. Don't pretend I didn't know,"
"I have no idea what you mean," He said as I got into the back of the cab which was a lot bigger than it seemed on the outside. I mean there was a minibar with all kinds of drinks in front of me, and a mini fridge too. That wasn't what shocked me though; that would be the Jacuzzi on the other side of the cab!
It was a good thing I packed swim trunks in case of this place being near a beach. After a moment to put on those trunks I swan dived into that bitch! Jacuzzis are awesome for relaxing after a hectic week of just pure insanity; I mean literal insanity since so much shit happened. I mean I literally saw a guy use a crowbar as a fork!
Everything jerked backward suddenly, and I realized that we were now moving. I looked out the window to see the city slowly moving by until something very strange happened. The world outside the cab began to shift and eventually disappear into a rucking rainbow of colors.
"What the hell?" I said to myself as I got out of the Jacuzzi to point out the sheer strangeness to the cab driver. I started to make my way to the front of the cab when I the driver spoke up,
"please take a seat, James,"
"You see all this, right?" I asked while I kept going to the cab's front. When I finally got there and saw the driver he sure as hell wasn't human. He had a snake like body,and a goat head with various body parts attached to him. I fell back onto my ass due to the sudden shock,
"I said please take a seat," The creature said in a more authoritative voice before an invisible force picked me up, and threw me back into my seat. The seat-belt came to life and wrapped itself around my body which prevented me from moving anything. I tried to struggle with the seat belt, but it only grew tighter until it was borderline choking me. I heard that creature's fingers snap, and the seat-belt let go off me.
"Fine, you can move. Don't try to jump out of the car though because I'm not going into the pit of despair to save you!"
I was a little shaken up to say the least considering the fact the driver is now a weird monster. That's not even going into what he said about falling into a pit of despair. I just sat at the back of the cab in total silence as my mind tried to process exactly what was going on.
First I get a ticket to a convention. Next a weird guy starts stalking me, and replacing random people. After that the same guy stalking me is also my cab driver. All of that is actually sort of normal; everything afterwards is not. The engine growing wings, the cab having a Jacuzzi, and the driver becoming some weird monster. None of that shit is fucking normal!
"What the hell is going on!" I yelled as I got back out of my seat. When I did this I felt a tapping on my left shoulder, and turned to see that creature sitting there,
"You're on a cab ride through universes, James,"
"What the hell are you?"
"I'm a draconequus. Beings of chaos and yada yada yada. Listen I don't really think you'd understand if I explained it anyway,"
"You look like the left over parts of some weird science experiment!"
"That's just rude!" He said before smacking me with a white glove. I was shocked for a minute before throwing a punch at him only for it to hit one of those full body pillows with his face on it. A bright flash enveloped the cab before the creature said, "How scandalous,"
I looked toward him to see him holding a camera and waving the photo around. When it finally developed it showed me hitting the pillow, but it wasn't his face I was hitting.
"Get over here so I can kill you!" I yelled as I charged at him once again only for him to disappear into a puff of smoke. Jesus this guy is fucking insane, and I'm stuck in a cab with it!
Suddenly everything jerked forward, and I went flying into the back of the driver's seat. It took me a moment, but I was eventually able to peal myself off of the seat to see that creature in a bouncer outfit.
"We're here. Now before you go you should know your fans are a little different,"
"If they're not you I'm fine with it," I said as I opened up the door and stepped outside into a courtyard. I immediately noticed the lack of people and the over population of ponies in this courtyard. "Where is everybody?"
"If you'd let me finish I would have told you that your fans are ponies,"
"What have you been smoking?" When I turned to him I saw him rolling up raisins into a piece of paper before lighting the end of it. "why am I not surprised?"
During our conversation a small group of ponies started to gather around us. I could hear them murmuring about how impressive it was for me to stand on my legs for so long. That was a little strange until I realized that these ponies were actually talking, and I jumped out of my skin.
"They fucking talk!" I yelped while climbing on top of the cab driver. The ponies all backed away a little with confusion written all over their faces. One that was butter yellow and wings walked over to us however and started to whisper to my cab driver.
"It is my dear, Fluttershy. James say hello to my friend,"
"Can I ask where the hell I am first?"
"No, now say hi,"
"Hi. Now can you tell me?"
"Don't be an ass to her!"
"I'm sorry that I have no idea what the hell is going on!" The creature dropped me from it's back onto the ground next to the horse. Now I could see that the horse has a fucking pair of wings!
"Be nice for five seconds!" the creature started to yell while the pony just sat there contemplating what the hell was going on.
"Sure, but you have to explain to me just what is going on first,"
"Fine! I decided to leave you an invitation to Humare Con so Fluttershy could meet you. Happy!"
"Not really," The crowd only grew larger around us, and the talking was now at a normal volume. I didn't pay attention to what they were saying though because I was more focused on this fucking creature in front of me. I turned toward the pony that he called Fluttershy and decided to see if she could help me. "Can you get him to give a direct answer?"
She slowly nodded before walking over to the creature, and motioning him down to her level. He did so and raised one of his ears to hear her more clearly. She began to whisper into his ear and he tried to argue with her but couldn't seem to find the words.
"Alright, Fluttershy. James, I brought you to Equestira. There is a T.V show here called My Big Human: I don't care. It's more for small colts, but has a large following of mares that watch it called humares."
"Go on,"
"You are the main character of that show," That hit me hard. Being told you're the main character of a T.V show was not something I ever expected to hear. Looking over to the mare I saw her nod in confirmation which resulted in me walking over to the creature.
"I'm here now what?"
"You're taking this rather well,"
"Multiverse dude. In one we're both just characters in someones story,"
"Well, I actually scheduled a panel for you to appear at. I'd expect not to many ponies to show up until they realize you're the real deal,"
"Let's get started then," I said to him as I started to wade through the large crowd of ponies who were all awestruck by my appearance. I slowly made my way toward the building that had a large crowd gathered outside of it. My guess was that was the convention center for this thing; when I finally arrived I noticed a few ponies dressed up like me, and some of my friends.
I suppose cos-players would show up here as well since it was a convention after all. Seeing someone cosplay as you is a little freaky though especially one that depicts you as the opposite gender.
A few ponies took notice of me, and stared awestruck by me before speaking up,
"That's a really awesome cosplay! How are you standing like that without it hurting?" The mint green one with a horn asked.
"We evolution says that we evolved like this so we could free up out hands for tools,"I stated while flexing my fingers for her. The mare beside her was trying to hide her face behind sunglasses and an over sized hat. She whispered to the horned horse which she replied with,
"Don't be silly Bonny. We'll probably never see this guy again," The mare trying to hide jerked at the mention of her name before walking in another direction with her green friend running after her. I was completely confused by this, but just kept on walking into the building.
"Pass." A griffin said beside the door. This was when I realized I didn't have the pass; only the ticket.
"Here you are. Sorry about that sir." A pony with yellow and red eyes said while holding up two golden passes. The griffin let us pass, but as soon as we were inside the pony started talking. "You can't just go around, James. When everybody realizes you're real they might try kidnapping you,"
"I don't think-"
"Have you ever seen a fandom. I can say with almost certainty that at least 10% of the ponies here will try,"
I couldn't argue with him there since in every fandom there are those nut jobs who go way farther than they need to. He handed me the pass which I put around my neck so I wouldn't lost it. After a moment or two we entered an extremely large room with stands selling all kinds of merchandise.
I saw little plushies of me and my friends. There was a stand selling shirts with pictures of me and various saying to go along with them. One of the most common was 'what the hell?' which I suppose I say a lot. That guy said that this show was for kids though so why were there shirts that show me cussing?
I looked over to the pony who was walking with me before he started,
"Hell isn't a place or curse word here so it's fine for the kids to say it,"
"What the hell?"
"Exactly,"
This was one of those moments I felt like stabbing a bitch, but I'm sure said bitch would just puff into a smoke cloud as soon as I try so I didn't. I decided that since I couldn't stab this guy the next best thing would be to punch a plushy of Tim because fuck TIm. I took a few steps toward the dude selling plushies when I realized they probably didn't use the same currency as me so...
"Nice cosplay, it looks pretty lifelike," the plushy dude said when he caught sight of me.
"It should considering this is the real me,"
"Hehe nice joke man," He said while rolling his eyes.
"You can go to hell then if you feel like being an asshole,"
"Screw you pal,"
" You think I'm scared of an overly colorful horse. Bring it on bitch!" I said raising up my fists ready to kick this guys ass. Just before things could escalate any further the pony that's been with me decided to step in,
"Enough! James, calm down. I seriously just brought you here and you're picking fights."
"He acted like a-"
"I don't care. The last thing you need to do is getting everyone here to hate you," He made a good point. I don't need all of these ponies trying to fight me so picking fights might not be the best idea anyway.
"Fine, but if any of them try hitting me I wont back down, understand?"
"Why are you so violent?"
"I blame the media,"
"That actually makes sense,"
"I've been making sense. You're the one that made the engine sprout wings!"
"It's no matter because it's time for you to go to your panel,"
Author's Note
Welcome to another story of mine. Hopefully I'll be more successful in this adventure than last time, but this one doesn't have a Gary sue and I know what I'm doing now...sort of. Anyway enjoy the story and stay awesome my friends.
Ps. This isn't the main thing I'm focusing on so updates for this will be sporadic at best. Sorry, but as soon as my other story is done this becomes top priority.
Chapter 2: Welcome to the Panel
"This art may be perverted, but it's still well done," I said while looking over a lewd picture of me and a pony. "These people have some high expectations though,"
"Why are you looking at fap art?" The creature who revealed himself as discord asked,
"Because they took there time to draw me in the weirdest scenarios. Freaking tentacles man!" I said while showing him the newest weird piece of art I found.
The entire reason we were able to have this conversation was becasue no one showed up to the panel thing except for Fluttershy who was chilling up here with me and discord. She had one of those creepy stalker faces going on, and I swear she put something in my water bottle. Good thing I grabbed a soda before coming in here so ha!
"This is still more tame than the fanfiction though," I said while pulling over a laptop and opening it up to one of the websites that was dedicated to my show. "Seriously, look at all the self inserts!"
"I don't see the appeal. You're kind of an asshole," Discord said while making a cup of chocolate milk appear in his hand. I wasn't going to ask about that considering he literally pulled me between universes.
"Just because I tell people I don't like to fuck off doesn't mean I'm an asshole"
"It kind of does,"
"No, if i told everyone to fuck off I'd be an asshole. Your friend their for instance is someone I don't have a problem with," Fluttershy smiled at that and moved closer to us.
"Maybe I think your an asshole because you tried to pick a fight with me and that stall vendor."
"You a dragged me to another universe, and he was asking for it!" After saying that I turned toward the crowd of ponies that had gathered during our argument. "The fuck you all want then?"
"This is James' panel, right?" One of the mares in the front asked with a little shyness peaking in her voice.
"It is. Why?" I asked when the mare signaled for everyone that was waiting outside to come on in. Within moments all the chairs were filled up with mares and small colts alike. "That answers my question,"
"I was expecting them to slowly come here," Discord said wide eyed at the audience of mares.
"I wasn't expecting them to come at all," I replied while taking a seat behind a table. There was a large crowd out there, and they were here because of me? That doesn't make too much sense since I'm a fictional character here. "Why are they all here?"
"We saw you nearly beat up that stall vendor. A pony couldn't stand like that so we asked around and found that you had a panel here," One of the mares from the crowd answered.
"That doesn't explain why you're here,"
"You're the real James! This is a once in a lifetime opportunity,"
"How do you know I'm not some imposter?"
"We don't!" I had to facepalm at that. They don't know if I'm actually the real James. They just assume I am because I can stand in weird postures for them.
"Fine, whatever. I guess welcome to my panel." I pulled the microphone over to me before jumping on top of the table to get everyone's attention. "Hello minions..."
There was a lot to do at the start of the panel, but I'm going to save some time and skip to the more interesting bits like the Q&a and a few interesting moments. Trust me when I say there were some insane moments during the entire panel.
***Q&A***
"Are you and Jason dating?" One mare from the front row asked. I froze when she asked that, they fucking shipped me with my friend who was a dude!
"NO! I'm happily single," the entire crowd started whispering about something. Eventually one of the mares toward the back raised a hoof and I pointed to her.
"Do you want to go out?" Did one of these ponies literally ask me out? I wasn't even going to answer that question and pointed randomly into the audience for the next question.
"How did you get here?" asked a feminine voice, but it was different from the other mares for some reason. Looking up to where I pointed I saw what looked like a anthropomorphic dragon.
"That dude over there-" I pointed toward Discord who was currently talking to Fluttershy, "decided to bring me here. I didn't know about this until a few days ago."
"How did he do that? Last I heard only Celestia and Discord held those powers." Realization hit them all instantly, and the entire audience turned to Discord as if they were part of a hive-mind. I think I did a bad thing here.
***2 hours after the riot***
After extinguishing the fire that had sprouted from the riot that tried to destroy the 'chaotic demon from Tartarus'. I wasn't sure what this guy did, but he clearly pissed off all of these horses at one point or another. This did explain why he didn't walk around with his 'normal' appearance.
The dragon from earlier was now on stage since she was helping me extinguish the flames. She was wearing a shirt that had a picture of me, and Jason beating the crap out of each other. Pretty accurate if you ask me.
"Thanks for the help ms..."
"Ruby, and you're welcome James,"
"How did you know my... never mind T.V. show. I keep forgetting that,"
"So, you're really James?"
"Yeah. Hard to believe there is a show about me here. I mean I'm just a dude that tells most people to fuck off,"
"That's what everyone likes. You don't pretend to like everyone like these ponies do." Ponies pretend to like each other? It's better to just tell someone if you don't like them if you ask me. I mean why put up a facade for someone if you don't like them at all?
"Strange. Back home most people try to get everyone to like everyone. Kind of the opposite here,"
"I suppose it's because we lack a balance."
"A bit of a philosopher are you?"
"I picked it up from you," I never said any of my philosophical ideas aloud. How did she know about that?
"I never-"
"Sometimes, the show says your thoughts," That was wrong. That is really fucking wrong! Why would they invade my head like that? I never said they could use me as a fucking character, but here they are going into my fucking head while they're at it!
"That's not right. What exactly does it show?"
"Nothing big, just what you think when something big happens like when you got hit with that surprise test."
"FUCK THAT PROFFESSOR!"
"Everybody said that," It was nice talking to this dragon person thing. It was getting dark out from what little natural light came in through the door, and that was when I realized I had no where to sleep. GOD DAMN IT DISCORD!
Author's Note
I know I said I'd write longer chapters, but I can't write like this consistently. I can put like 1,000-2,000 easy, but everything higher is a little difficult since I'm so used to short chapters.
Also it's so much harder to write without comments urging me on so that is why this was released before three chapters like I originally intended.
Chapter 3: Night one at Humare Con
"I already told you, I'm not thirsty!" I yelled at the mare who was trying to force me to drink some water.
"You need to stay hydrated!" The mare yelled back while trying to pry my jaws open with her hooves. Why am I not taking the water you may ask? Well it's quite simple, she put something in it. I'm pretty sure drinking that would result in me waking up in a pile of horses. That is not how I want to spend my Saturday.
The mare finally got off of me when Ruby yanked her off my chest. I unhinged my jaw and took in a breath that I didn't realize I needed.
"Thanks Ruby," I said to the dragoness that was currently holding a disgruntled pegasus.
"No problem, James." She replied as she dropped the pegasus off the stage. The pegasus caught herself before hitting the ground, but she definitely wasn't pleased with Ruby.
"You can't keep him all to yourself, Lizard!" The pegasus called out,
"OI, Don't insult her!" I yelled back causing the pegasus to look at me in shock before lowering her head. If they really knew who I was they'd know I hate racists with a passion. Hell, once I knocked a guys teeth out because he called one of my friends a wet-back. That dude didn't say another word to him for a month, and after that he said sorry.
"You didn't have to do that..."
"Too bad. You haven't proposed random sex to me so you are currently my favorite," I replied to Ruby. Seriously, I can't count how many of these mares actually asked me to go with them for a 'good time'. They couldn't take a hint either like that pegasus a few minutes ago.
"That makes you like me because?"
"They know the T.V me. Not the real me. They want a fantasy. You don' act the same so you're my favorite. Good enough?"
"I suppose so..."
"Good girl," I said while giving her a toothy smile. She returned said smile when the con's staff came in.
"You two have to go," This problem was still prevalent as ever since I had nowhere to go for the night. Discord you dumb fuck.
We started walking out of the building with a bunch of other people or rather ponies. They all knew I was the real deal now, and more than a few asked for autographs and other things. By that I mean I only had my shirt and my shorts that were originally pants before now. When we finally got out into the street and had lost the crowd I was finally alone with Ruby.
"I don't suppose I could crash with you tonight?" I asked. I had to force the question out since it was really awkward for me, and I'm pretty sure for her too.
"I suppose so. Why don't you have your own place?"
"I might have one, but the person that would know was chased off," She rubbed the back of her neck after I said that. Remember how she helped me extinguish the fire on stage after the riot. Well she was the one who blew fire on stage which caused said fire. Before he left, Discord roasted a smore over the fire before fading out of existence.
We started walking down the street towards the hotel that Ruby was staying at when a random mare shouted out to me.
"HEY, FREAK!" I turned toward the source of the shouting to spot a cyan mare with a rainbow colored mane. "YEAH, YOU! HOW ABOUT-"
"Let me stop you right there. One I'm not a freak and two you are acting like an asshole!"
"That's real nice coming from a human fucker!"
"Considering I am human I probably should fuck other humans. Nature and shit."
"I didn't need to know that!" She shouted back toward me while Ruby tried hiding behind her wings. Why was she hiding from this bitch when she was so abrupt earlier? Whatever the case we started walking away while that mare kept trying to rant at us. She tried following us for a bit like a creepy stalker before I finally stopped and turned to her.
"Why are you making such a big deal out of this? Jesus Christ you are fucking annoying!"
"Because you are sick in the head!"
"Say that one more time and I stop caring that you are a woman. I will beat your skull in." We finally were in front of the hotel, and before walking in I said one more thing to the mare. "Just try me,"
The mare didn't follow us into the lobby, but inside there were tons of the mares from the Con. When one of them noticed me I was instantly mobbed by them all. There was fur everywhere!
"Back! I said back you loonies!" I shouted as I backed into the elevator. I was using a coat rack as a makeshift weapon to keep the mares from piling into the elevator. I swear fans were crazy back home, but these guys are just over the top! I smashed my fist into one of the elevator buttons so the doors would close and cut off the mares.
"Hi!" Said a cream mare beside me. I was about to freak out when I realized that she wasn't trying to tackle me to the ground.
"Hey." I said giving her a nod when I realized something. She was that mare wearing those glasses and that hat from before.
"It's so nice to meet you James!" She is a little excited, but at least she wasn't trying to tear off my clothing.
"Nice to meet you to ms..."
"I'm Bon Bon! I can't believe I'm actually meeting James!" Okay she is really excited and is starting to creep me out a little bit.
"Nice to meet you Bon Bon." The doors finally opened up to the floor that Ruby's room was on and we stepped out much to Bon Bon's dismay. She seemed like a nice mare, but thank god I didn't have to stay around her any longer.
***Bon Bon***
Oh my Celestia he actually talked to me! James actually talked to me! Sure he had to go after a few minutes, but he still said hi too me! Stepping out of the elevator I excitedly pulled out my hotel room key and made my way over to Lyra and my hotel room. The door was relatively simple, but behind it was actually a really big suite. When I opened the door I saw Lyra relaxing on the couch.
"Hey Lyra," I said while walking by her. She was currently holding a plushie of Jason when she looked up and said,
"Hi Bonny,"
"You wont guess who's staying in the same hotel as us!" I said a little too excitedly. Lyra put down the plushie so she could focus on thinking before looking over to me for the answer. "It's James!"
Her eyes went wide and she muttered 'no way' before bouncing up and down with joy. I may have been a little excited and joined her in the jumping for joy, but can you really blame me.
"Is he exactly like he is in the show?" Lyra asked.
"We didn't talk long before he left the elevator," I said a little sad about it.
"Don't worry. Maybe he is, and you can go on adventures with him like in the fanfics,"
"I doubt that, but it is a nice thought," I said while I daydreamed of James holding me in his arms as we went on epic adventures across equestria. Who knows, maybe he will take me on an adventure with him. It's possible since his being here is unlikely so why not him going on an adventure and inviting me along?
Author's Note
Gah, I swear writing this story feels awkward for some reason. I don't even know why, but it just feels weird. Anyone have any idea why? Whatever the case thank you all for reading and I hope to see you next time.
Chapter 4: Crazy Fans
I was surrounded in darkness and I couldn't tell where I was. For some reason I could hear that circus music playing from somewhere. A bright light surrounded me suddenly and I could hear laughter. I couldn't see anyone and when I tried to look around I bumped into a wall of glass. This was when I noticed that the glass surrounded me, and I was trapped inside.
I started to bang against the walls and calling out for somebody to help me, but the laughter only grew louder! Why are they laughing at me?
"LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT, DAMN IT!" I cried out as I hit the glass harder. No matter how hard I hit it it wouldn't budge. Not even a crack formed and the laughter was unbearable now. "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LET ME OUT!"
******
"Hey! Hey wake up!" Ruby said while she shook me awake. I was back in her hotel room on the bed. She absolutely refused to let me sleep on the couch since that would be 'unethical'. I was still sweating from whatever my nightmare was, but I couldn't remember what was so terrifying.
"I'm up! I'm up. What do you want?"
"You were freaking out in your sleep. Saying to let you out or something along those lines,"
"Thanks for waking me up then, I guess," I said while getting out of the bed. As much as leaving the warm welcoming bed was a travesty I still had things to do today. One of these things was to find discord so I could shove a boot up his ass for leaving me alone without any idea of what to do!
I noticed that Ruby was blushing actually for some reason. She was staring at me for some reason before I realized I was only wearing boxers. What! it's not like I had any night clothes! I quickly covered my self up with the blanket while Ruby shouted out an apology before running to the other side of the room.
Pants are probably the most important thing right now so those were the first thing to come on even if they were now shorts. Damn fans need to chill with the souvenirs! Next up was my plain white T-shirt and jacket. I don't care that it was spring jackets are cool!
"I'm decent!" I called out. Ruby slowly came back over to me with her face still blushing profusely.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't worry about it." I put my hand on Ruby's shoulder. "At least I had boxers." Her blush deepened after I said that and I laughed at her. Come on man! she's blushing over seeing a guy in boxers!
"D-Don't laugh!"
"I'm sorry! it's just hilarious when people get embarrassed like that!"
"Please just stop," She pleaded. Now I'm may be a borderline asshole, but I'm not heartless so I tried to muffle my laughter until I eventually stopped. A trick that I learned awhile ago was to think of the most unfunny thing you could think of to stop laughing, this time it was Jason's girlfriend. She is a killjoy if I've ever seen one; I mean who doesn't laugh at Jeff Dunham?
Since I was up it was high time that I took a shower since I probably smelled awful from sweating all day yesterday. I mean I was either under intense lighting or being swarmed by mares so I never exactly had time to cool off. Wait, my clothes were already drenched in sweat and they were already on...Damn it Discord still had my luggage!
I made my way to the door with Ruby behind me since It was pointless to stay here. When I opened the door however I was greeted by a pony yelling "THERE HE IS" before I got swarmed by mares. How do celebrities deal with this on a daily basis? Oh right security that Discord also forgot to provide me. Next time I see him I'm wringing his fucking neck!
"Hey get off me!" I yelled out as the mares picked me up and carried me away from Ruby's hotel room. Now you'd think they'd listen to their weird idol, but nope they just carried me into an elevator before shutting the door on Ruby. Alright this getting really fucking annoying! "If you don't put me down right now I'm going to kick all of your asses!"
You know what they did after I said that? They fucking cheered and repeated what I just said like it was a fucking common saying! Did someone give me drugs a few days ago and I'm in some weird coma because none of this is fucking normal! Even the fandoms back home were not this fucking obsessive...not all of the fandoms at home were this fucking obsessive!
When the doors of the elevator opened Ruby was standing there with a very pissed expression.
"Are you all crazy? He said to put him the fuck down!" She yelled out which caused a few of the mares to shiver. Now I'm no coward, but she can breath fire and went down at least 5 stories in one minute so I don't like the idea of her getting angry. These mares also didn't like the idea because they gently set me down on the floor.
"Thanks Ruby," I said while giving her a friendly hug. A gasp resounded from the mares behind me, "What? I can't hug a friend who saved me from you lunatics?" I seriously think that these ponies have a mental problem because they all actually nodded. "That was a fucking rhetorical question!"
There was a resounding 'ooooooo' from the crowd of ponies as they realized this. I swear I regret ever agreeing to come here. Rule #1 is never help anyone you don't know because they'll fuck you over. You just never think that they'd fuck you over by taking you to an alternate universe. It's not so bad though since they are crazed fans maybe I could do something I've always wanted to do.
"Would one of you like to hang out with me today?" they all nodded vigorously."Good, All I ask is for one of you to get me a cactus." They were all confused of course, but one of the mares started to sneak away. When the others realized this a shoving battle ensued. PONY FIGHT!
Quest? I wasn't on a quest!
Chapter 5: Quest? I wasn't on a quest!
I was back at the panel with Ruby to my right and that pony from the elevator hugging my leg. She actually found a cactus in the city. I didn't expect any of them to find one, but Bon Bon here did. She actually found three cacti since I didn't specify which breed I wanted. I didn;t even know there were more than one type of cactus!
I'm getting off topic here because of how hot it is under these lights. Who designed these things to be hotter than Satan's asshole! I'm already off topic again the point is that I'm sweating more than there is blood in my body.
"God I'm thirsty" I said quietly which resulted in several water bottles being thrown at me. I can't even whisper without these mares knowing exactly what I say.
"You did say you were thirsty," Ruby said while picking up one of the water bottles and taking a sip. "It's good," she tossed the bottle to me before I looked at her.
"You sure that nothings in it?"
"I feel fine" Well I can't argue with her logic so I gulped down the entire water bottle in half a minute. I didn't even realize how thirsty I was when I drank that because immediately after wards I grabbed another one of the bottles. I probably should of let my impromptu body guard test it first, but fuck it. If I fall unconscious I at least have a slight chance of not waking up with a tattoo of someone's name on my ass.
"Can I have some?" The mare clinging to my leg asked. I was about to tell her no when she hit me with the puppy dog eyes. I didn't plan on dying of adorabetes so I dropped her one of the water bottles which she chugged down with one hoof. She seriously needs to let go of my leg so I can walk around a little.
I tried shaking her off my leg, but she held firm. I don't even think noticed the chair I was using to try and pry her off. Eventually I just decided that the best was to pull her off was to grab a handful of her and pull. I wasn't sure how to go about this so I just randomly grabbed on to her and pulled...and pulled...and pulled.
"Let go already!" I said to the mare who was gripping my leg even tighter. If she doesn't let go in the next three minutes I'm going to-
"James Rutabaga?" Sounded an authoritative voice behind me.
"For the last time my last name isn't rutabaga It's..." When I turned to face the voice I was met with a very large white horse. "HOLY HORSE WITH WINGS!"
"I'm going to assume that's a yes. It's nice to meet you James, I'm Celestia of Equestria," The horse said while extending a hoof toward me. I was still stunned for a minute because this bitch was fucking huge! I mean-"Did you just call me fat?"
"I didn't say anything though," I defended. How exactly did she hear my thoughts.
"Because I'm an alicorn. We have very advanced magics." She said for no reason.
"Can you stop? I don't want you to find my mental porn stash,"
"I already did, and would rather forget it." hehe, that's what she gets for invading my head without permission. This was when I noticed the shear amount of ponies staring up at me and I mean more than usual.
"What?" I asked the crowd. Ruby came up beside me and whispered into my ear.
"You're talking about a porn stash with the princess of Equestria. We're all kind of surprised," So I'm meeting royalty, eh. That's nice but does that mean I'm going to be executed for not bowing or something? I mean people with lots of authority tend to be assholes like that.
"I wouldn't execute you for such a thing. This century anyway," Celestia said while looking off to the side. There was a pony in armor there that I didn't notice until now. Dude was fucking silent; at least I think it was a dude. "Would you kindly go get my sister?"
"Yes mam!" The armor pony said before running toward the exit. eeyup, dude.
"Well since I'm pretty sure royalty has better things to do than watch T.V. What do you want?" I asked trying to sound more curious than my normal self.That was a little hard since the closes I could get was sarcasm.
"You need to get home,"
"No shit! Why can't it wait until the end of the con though?"
"Because you only have 3 months to do it," What did she just say?
"C-can you repeat that?" She just looked toward me knowing I heard her right. "I've got plenty of time then. I mean you just have to open up the way back, right?"
"It's not that easy. We need special ingredients for the spell, and a few are extremely rare. I've come to warn you about this," NONONONONONONO NOPE FUCK THIS!
"You're saying that there is a good chance I'm trapped?" I asked in almost a whisper.
"If we can't get those ingredients then...I'm sorry," I'm trapped? There's a good chance I'm never going home, and it's ALL DISCORDS FAULT! When I get my hands on him I'm going to rip his fucking arms out and beating him to death! That's right I'm going all Chewbacca on his ass! "I understand you're angry at him, but he's going to help you collect the ingredients."
"Wait, me!"
"Those rare ingredients are in lands not meant for us ponies,"
"Then why are you sending me?"
"Because you are more in-tune with these lands," What could she possibly mean by that. She face hoofed before speaking again, "The races that live in these lands are violent,"
"Your point?"
"You are depicted as a warrior in your show, correct?" Ruby actually stepped in here.
"He's actually depicted as a pugnacious college student, your highness," Did Ruby really have to explain that? I mean you'd expect a leader to at least know about some of her populace watching a show not meant for them. I'm not putting these mares down I'm just wodering what they like about it.
"That complicates things. However his readiness to fight will still give him an edge over my little ponies,"
"You know what? Just tell me where the fuck to go so I don't get trapped," I said looking toward Celestia who made a map appear out of thin air. I need to learn how to do that,
"First we're going to need dragon's fire,"
"We already have Ruby so we're good there" I said while patting Ruby on the back. Celestia looked up at me with an unamused expression,
"We need a plant called dragon fire. Though you're right that it's in the dragon's lands. Next is a changeling queen's royal jelly,"
"What's a changeling?" I asked which ruby quickly explained to me about bugs who love fucking. That's not exactly what she said, but it's how I took it so that's how I remember it.
"Finally, We need a diamond dog alpha's tooth,"
"A dog's tooth? Easy enough,"
"Their claws can cut through stone, and they can feel even the slightest vibration when they're underground," Well shit. How exactly am I going to get through all that in three months with dragons, fuck bugs, and bitches that can cut stone? This was when Discord materialized next to me with a smile.
"Ready to assemble your crew?" He asked. I just smiled back at him before speaking,
"Yeah. Right after I SHOVE THIS CACTUS UP YOUR ASS!" I then pulled out one of the cacti the Bon Bon had brought me earlier! "I'm going to give you a three second head start."
Chapter 6: Who wants to fly?
"You are sure you want to join me?" I asked Ruby which she gave a firm nod to.
"You're going into the dragon kingdoms. I'm a dragon who actually knows what you're looking for," Well, I can't argue with that logic so I extended my hand toward her. She grabbed onto my hand and gave it a firm shake before asking, "Anyone else joining us?"
"Discord, but that's it. Everyone else here I'm pretty sure would sabotage my efforts." I said while looking over the crowd of ponies that looked pissed. "Don't even act like none of you wouldn't!"
After I yelled that a certain white alicorn started to wade through the crowd. As she passed each one of the ponies bowed until she was finally standing in front of me and Ruby.
"Are you ready to leave?" She asked. I nodded before she walked back toward the doorway. When she was about to exit she motioned for me to follow her out. Why she didn't just tell me to follow her to begin with, I don't know. I do know however that she was going to give me something to help with my 'quest'.
Jumping off the panel's stage I made my way towards the exit. The mares didn't latch on to me this time like they normally do because I made discord a deal.
***Earlier***
"YOU BETTER PRAY TO YOUR GODS BECAUSE YOU'RE ABOUT TO MEET THEM!" I shouted as I readied my cactus. Discord was stuck in a wall which gave me ample time to shove said cactus up his ass.
"WAIT! I'LL DO ANYTHING!" He pleaded from the other side of the wall.
"TAKE ME HOME!"
"I CAN"T DO THAT!" I pocked his tail with the cactus."I REALLY CAN'T! HOW ABOUT I GIVE YOU A TEMPORARY CHARM?" He asked. I stopped messing with him and went to the other side of the wall to speak,
"What kind of charm?"
***Now***
Bon Bon walked in a moment later. When she spotted me she started sprinting toward me until she got a few feet away where she jumped toward me. A bright light bubble surrounded me which Bon Bon flew into before sliding off of it.
"Nice try." I said while continuing on my way out. This charm only lasts for about a day and only works on ponies because it would require to much power to do anything more. I'm pretty sure Discord was bullshitting when he said that, but It's not like I can use magic so I'll take what I can get.
What could she possibly want me to-BLRGLERLBLE!
"Do you like your present?" Celesitia asked while standing in front of a blimp. I don't mean one of those ordinary blimps either I mean one of those kinds you use when exploring the world.
"Blimp...my...uh-" I passed out from the sheer epicness that was the blimp. You can't really blame me; I mean I always loved the idea of flying around and blimps were just plain cool.
***30 minutes later***
"Is he alright?" A voice asked to my side.
"He loves blimps. I think he was so excited that he passed out." Ruby said from my other side. I slowly opened my eyes to see a light red pony and Ruby standing over me.
"I had a dream like this once, but you two were human," I said which resulted in Ruby rolling her eyes before giving me a hand up. When I finally got to my feet Ruby punched my shoulder just like Jason would. I returned the gesture and smiled at her.
"So...We've got an airship," Ruby said motioning toward the glorious thing known as a blimp.
"It's a blimp and yes we do. Let's take it for a joy ride!" I said excitedly as I started running toward the blimps door. After ten minutes I realized I was getting no closer to the door. Looking behind me I saw that Ruby was holding the back of my shirt while I was tiring myself out.
"We'll fly it later, but right now we're going to need a crew to fly it."
"Like I said me, you, and discord,"
"I doubt any of us know how to fly that thing," She said pointing toward the beautiful machine. She had a point, but ti's not like there would be anyone willing to help us. This was when I felt a tap on my ass.
"I know how to fly that," I turned around to see a griffin standing there. Why did she tap my ass?
"It's alright we don't need-"
"Yeah you do. My names Gretch," She said while extending a claw toward me. I took it and shook even though I had no idea what was going on. Well at least it solves the problem of flying the Blimp, but We still needed a few more people on our crew,
"So how are we going to get the rest of the people we need?" I asked Ruby who motioned toward the Crowd of ponies. "Of course you'd point to them." I face palmed before walking out in front of the crowd and shouting, "WHO WANTS TO GO ON AN ADVENTURE!"
Over a hundred hooves shot up in an instant, and more than one pony was thrown up into the air as well. One pony in particular was rushing over towards us, and her name was Bon Bon. This mare is definitely rabid fan girl status so I knew she would smack into the barrier again because of her fan girlness. This was going to be a long day.
Author's Note
This chapter was a pain to write, but at least I can finally get to writing the really fun parts. Thanks for reading.
Chapter 7: Setting Out
"You aren't lying to me, are you?" I asked the purple mare in front of me. We were recruiting people to join us on our adventure and more than a few tried to sign up. This mare in particular says that she is an engineer that can maintain the blimp so we wouldn't have to.
"Nooooo," She said with her eyes shifting from left to right. Why do all these ponies have the exact same tell when lying?
"We'll keep you in mind. NEXT!" I shouted out to the group that was waiting to sign up. So far literally none of them have given me an actual reason to let them join us aside from Gretch who Celestia hired for us. That's why she showed up randomly and offered to fly the blimp for us.
"I'm ready!"
"What was that?" I asked looking around. I swear I thought I heard something.
"I said I'm ready!"
"There it is again," I looked toward where the sound was coming from, but I couldn't see anything.
"I'M DOWN HERE, JACKASS!" yep someone is quietly yelling. Looking down toward where the voice was coming from I spotted a small blue pony that looked a bit like a bug. She was looking up at me with a very annoyed expression on her face before she spoke up. "I said I was ready."
I couldn't help, but laugh until I fell back in the chair I was sitting it. This tiny thing was trying to join us on this possibly deadly adventure! Oh man, I should probably let her off slow.
"Listen, I don't think you want to go with us ms..."
"I'm a guy, jackass!" Wow, I really pissed him off didn't I. "Also you could use me,"
"I don't see how you could possibly help,"
"Do you know how to fight?"
"Sure, but I don't see how-" OH SHIT! The small horse thing grabbed my hand and broke the table using me as a makeshift hammer. Once my head stopped spinning I looked up at the bug horse thing. "Welcome aboard,"
"Thank you, I'm Seabreeze by the way" I just waved to acknowledge I heard her, I mean him! Jesus, that isn't going to be fun keeping track off. At this point Ruby walked over to looked down at me.
"You got your ass handed to you by a breezy. That has to hurt," She said while offering me a hand up. I grabbed a hold of her hand before she pulled me back to my feet and I looked back toward a crowd of giggling ponies. Looks like we have a full crew.
"Thank you all for coming along, but sadly we are now full." I said to the crowd which immediately killed the giggling. I don't need their bullshit on the trip, and we already have someone that knows how to pilot the thing so that should be enough. Besides it's not like we're going to need anyone else.
A sad sigh resonated throughout the crowd as it slowly dispersed. Only a few of the ponies remained and each of them ran up to me to ask if I was sure that we didn't need anyone else.
"I make amazing daisy sandwiches!"
"I know how to teleport!"
"I'm a great lay!"
I just face palmed and waved the ponies off while I made my way towards the blimp. These ponies called it an airship for some reason, but that's just fucking ridiculous. As I drew closer to the ship I caught sight of Gretch chatting with Celestia.
"I am not flying into Diamond Dog territory!" Gretch semi yelled at Celestia.
"We need an alpha's fangs," Celestia retorted in a calm voice.
"Is there a problem here?" I asked as I walked over to the two.
"Not at all. We were just-"
"She wants us to fly into Diamond Dog territory. I'll go almost anywhere, but not there." Gretch interrupted Celeestia. I'm not sure how smart it is to interrupt a queen or whatever she is. Celestia didn't seem to react and just let out a low sigh.
"I need for him to get all these ingredients or he's trapped. Can't you go this one time?"
"*Groan* Fine! I want my pay doubled though," Gretch said before walking into the airship. She turned to me and said "You coming or what?"
"I'm coming, hold your horses." I said as I followed her into the blimp. I guess she really hates dogs if she is doubling her price for coming along. There might of been a pilot in the crowd of rabid fans for all we know so why bring someone that obviously doesn't want to go.
When I stepped in Ruby soon followed and walked past me towards the front. She just stood beside one of the front windows before she spoke up.
"Why do I get the feeling this isn't going to be easy?"
***Bon Bon***
He isn't taking anypony else? Why did everypony have to laugh when that breezy flipped him into the table? Okay I was laughing to but he still overreacted,and now I wont be able to join him.
"You alright Bonny?" Lyra asked me as I was staring at their airship.
"I'm fine Lyra. I'm just thinking,"
"About what?"
"Follow me," I said as I started to make my way towards the flying fortress. Lyra reluctantly did as I asked which was all I needed from her. Once we reached the back end of the blimp I started looking for any way in.
"What are we doing, Bonny?"
"We're going on an adventure ," I said when I finally found a small hatch a few hooves above us. I motioned for her to come over to me so I could get on her back.
"I don't think this is a good idea," Lyra said while moving a little bit away from the hatch which almost caused me to fall.
"This might be my only chance to be with James, and you think it's a bad idea?" I retorted. I'll stowaway on his ship, and he'll end up being in trouble. Then I will jump in and save the day and he will be so amazed by me he wont want to leave! It's a perfect plan.
"Sort of, what if he kicks us off the ship?"
"Don't worry about it so much Lyra," I said as I finally opened the hatch and crawled in. "Besides, I can handle myself," I said cheerfully as I went to explore the ship. This is going to be just like the fanfictions!
Getting Situated
Chapter 8: Getting Situated
We were high in the sky now since we left Canterlot an hour ago. I can't believe it took them 3 days to tell me the name of that city. Anyway while Gretch piloted the 'ship' for now me and Ruby were exploring to see if there was anything of interest in there. It definitely was going to take us at least an hour just to go through one level of the thing!
Starting from the base of the ship I discovered multiple bedrooms for I assume various crew members. Aside from that however there was a storage room art the back of the place. A hatch was opened back there for some reason however so I quickly closed it so nothing could try to come in here
Since there wasn't much else to see on the bottom of the ship we made my way back towards Gretch's station since that's where the ladder to get to everywhere else was. A bad design if you ask me because what if that ladder gets dislodged and falls on Gretch? It's not like we can fix the damn thing, but it's still something I'm going to have a problem with.
"Yo," I said as I entered the room.
"Hey. So you really are that human from that show those ponies watch?" Gretch asked.
"Yeah, Why?"
"Just trying to see the appeal. A few friends tried getting me to watch, but I didn't enjoy it, no offence"
" It's Alright, It's not like I rightly care if people like the show or not. Hell, I didn't even know I was on the show until now," I said as I walked up beside Gretch so I could look out the window. There was hardly a cloud in the sky and looking down I could see a small town in the distance.
"And you're fine with that? I figured it would drive someone crazy. I mean having someone else dictate your actions like that,"
"I handle it by using the multiverse theory. It makes things like this easier to handle," Looking over to our right I could see mountains as far as the eye could see. Looks like that village is in some kind of valley or something.
"I guess that's practical. I don't think I could handle that though. I mean you never even knew anyone was watching you," Gretch said taking her eyes of the sky a moment to look at me. "I'd be a nervous wreck, and I fly into war torn areas in the world."
I just nodded to her before making my way to the ladder that was a few feet behind her. Grabbing a hold I started to ascend to the second level to meet up with Ruby and see what she found.
"Let me know if anything interesting happens," I said when I finally reached the top of the stairs. Gretch just held up a claw to signify she heard me before going back to focusing on the sky. "RUBY! YOU FIND ANYTHING!" Ruby's head popped out of one of the doors and yelled back,
"I'M RIGHT HERE! So don't yell," she walked out of whatever room it was she was in and had something behind her back.
"What's that?"
"Check it out," She said as she revealed a... I have no fucking idea what she revealed. It was a weird box thing with symbols all over it.
"That's great! What is it?" I asked as I took the box and started messing with the lock.
"Right, you don't have these where you're from. Basically it's a box that duplicates whatever is put in it."
"Damn! That thing can make me rich as hell!" I said while I tried to pry open the box with extra vigor.
"It only works on plants and certain materials. I don't think it works on money," Ruby said as she took the fancy ass box away from me. I just shrugged my shoulders as I looked around the room we were in when my eyes fell upon something big at the back of the blimp. This normally wouldn't catch my eye, but it was on wheels and had a wooden support.
Making my way over to the object I soon began to realize what it was.
"WHY DO WE HAVE CANNONS?" This shit is for ships not blimps! What is the point of us having these things if we're just gathering ingredients for a portal? What is the point of that box thing too now that I think about it? "WHY DO WE NEED HALF THE SHIT WE HAVE?"
"WILL YOU STOP YELLING!" A small voice resounded from my shoulder. Turning my head I saw a very small pony by the name of seabreeze.
"Sorry, but seriously. We don't need half this stuff,"
"I don't know about you, but I'm happy we got cannons," Seabreeze said as he floated over towards the cannon's barrel. "Nothing says bad ass like a cannon,"
"What are we going to use them for? It's not like we're going to need them," I said while moving back towards the ladder to pick a room on the lower deck.
"We might. Have you ever met a dragon before?" Ruby asked. I just pointed back to her to answer the question as I started to descend the ladder back to the bottom deck.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" Gretch yelled from the below which spurred me to get down there faster. I slid down the ladder to speed myself up and when I turned around to see what was going on I was shocked. Gretch had that mare Bon Bon in a choke hold next to the wheel.
"What the hell is going on?"
Author's Note
Hello everyone. I have an announcement; I am going to take a break from writing this week. Don't worry It's just until Saturday so you wont have to wait to long. Thanks for taking your time to read, and I hope to see you next time.
Author's Note
Why not?
Chapter 9: Why not?
"So you snuck aboard because you wanted to help me. You have no ulterior motive?" I asked Bon Bon who had decided that being a stowaway was a good idea.
"No, I don't! I just wanted to help you. Can you untie me now?" She asked. Oh, did I forget to mention we tied her to a chair when we found her? Well we did because we had to make sure she would hide anywhere in the ship again.
"You wont jump on me if we do?" I asked as I made my way over to the chair she was tied in. She just nodded which was good enough for me so I untied the rope. I made a horrible miscalculation because she grabbed onto my arm the instant the ropes came loose. "You said you wouldn't jump me!"
"I didn't. I'm just snuggling your arm." Fucking loopholes man! I didn't think she would take jumping on me this literally.
"You knew what he meant. Now we're going to that village over there to drop you off." Ruby said with a very agitated expression on her face. I know hwy I was annoyed, but what's her problem? Bon Bon begrudgingly let go of my arm before sticking her tongue out at Ruby. I thought these people were adults, NOT CHILDREN!
"I don't think dropping her off is a good idea," A voice resounded behind me. Turning around I saw that lunatic that brought me here in the first place.
"I still have that cactus," I threatened him. He put up his claw and paw defensively before speaking.
"All I'm saying is that you shouldn't turn away potential help is all. She's clearly obsessed with you so why not let her help?"
"That obsession is why she's going. I don't want her preventing me from going home. Also, HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN HERE!" I yelled when I realized he wasn't on the blimp when we set off. He just snapped his fingers and he appeared beside me with a glass of chocolate milk.
"Spirit of chaos my good man," He said before drinking the glass because fuck logic with this guy.
"As long as you don't cause something to-" He threw the milk away and it exploded nearby, "- blow up... fuck you,"
"Relax, Milk only fixes things," He said while pointing to where the explosion occurred. Instead of a broken pile of junk like I originally thought there was now computer desk.
"Again, we don't need half this shit!" I said rather annoyed at the amount of useless junk that we seem to have a limitless supply of. What would we even use a computer for anyway?
"When did we get the computer?" Ruby asked as she made her way over to the desk. She started pressing random buttons until the screen came to life. A picture of Discord giving a thumbs up appeared before the screen began booting up the actual computer.
"Why did you..."When I turned to Discord I realized that he was once again gone. Seriously I need to bolt that guy to the floor or something so he can stop fucking around. "whatever, Anything interesting on there, Ruby?"
"No, but we have the internet so that a win in my book,"
"Can you look up how annoyed the average person can get before they lose it?" She just looked at me with a blank expression before turning back to the computer and typing something up.
"No, but I figured you'd like to see your show," That has crossed my mind a few times since I arrived here, but I never really had the chance. I just nodded my head while she pulled up a weird version of youtube and typed in my shows title.
***On the screen***
"And I should care because?" James asked Jason who was having a problem with his girlfriend...again.
"Come on man! I just need your help this one time," He begged as he got on his knees.
"Yeah, well too fucking bad. Your girlfriend is a bitch,"
***off screen***
"I am not that much of an asshole!" I yelled at the screen. I mean it was exactly how it went down, but it didn't show that he would bring it up every two minutes. I would have helped him if he wasn't such a cry baby about the damn thing. At least he had a girlfriend at the time.
"I know that. Haven't you read those fanfics?" Ruby said while typing in another website in the search bar.
"I am not reading about tentacles anymore!" I said while I started to walk away from the screen.
"I'm not pulling up a fap fiction though!" She called out to me. I had a choice here, either go to another part of the blimp or read a fanfic about me that probably would make me seem like an asshole.
"*sigh*FINE! I swear if there is even a hint of things going weird I leave," I said as I walked back towards Ruby who had a grin plastered across her face.
"My personal favorite is..."
***1 hour later***
"I said no weird things!" I yelled as I slid down the ladder into the main part of the blimp.
"It was only a shipfic!" Ruby called out as she followed me down.
"I would not confess an undying love to Jason. He's an asshole on 8 different levels!" I yelled back at her. At first those fics were kind of okay, but then she starts going into the weird ones. I am not okay with being made into muffins!
"It wasn't that bad. At least it didn't involve fap!" Jesus that is getting annoying. I was about to say more when Gretch tapped me on the side to get my attention.
"We're here. Let's drop her off and get going." she said while Bon Bon stood beside her with a frown on her face. Yeah, fuck discord's advice; she's going.
Chapter 10: Oh Look, Pricks!
"Bon Bon!" a mint green unicorn yelled while sprinting towards us as we got off the blimp. I remember that she was Bon Bon's friend or something so that means she can go ahead and take her off our hands.
"Package for whoever the hell you are," I said while picking up Bon Bon and dropping her on the unicorn's head. Mission accomplished, now it's time to get back to-
"CELESTIA, DAMN IT!" Gretch yelled out for some reason.
"What the problem, Gretch?"
"Oh, it's just our fucking engine is filled with milk!" She said rather agitated. "How in Tartarus could that even get in there?"
Discord is really adamant about us getting help from that horse. Good thing I don't have a single fuck to give over the situation so I walked over to Gretch and asked what it was she needed to fix the damn thing.
"I can fly these things. I don't know how to fix them," She said while pulling out a toolbox. "I'll see what I can do though. If you can find someone in town that knows this stuff then we can get out of here."
Well shit. Were in some backwater village, and now I have to find someone that can fix a blimps engine in a small amount of time. How did my vacation devolve into this bullshit again? There's no use in complaining about it though since that only makes me sound like a little bitch. So I started heading off in a random direction in hopes of finding something that might point me to something helpful when a pink blur came rushing towards me.
I quickly kicked the thing before it could jump on top of me. That wasn't a good move because when it landed I saw that it was a pink pony that now was missing a tooth. Well now I feel bad.
"Why would you do that?" The pony asked while clutching her face.
"Sorry. I don't take being jumped on very well," I said while offering her a hand to help her up. She looked at it and back to me before accepting it and getting to her feet. I was half expecting her to just smack my hand away, but after I helped her up she gave me a smile. How are all her teeth in there when I literally kicked one out a second ago?
"I probably should of remembered that." She said while rubbing the back of her head. I was about to ask what she meant when I realized,
"GOD DAMN IT! NOT MORE CRAZY FANS!" I started to sprint in the other direction because I do not need anymore of this bullshit. I also don't need to develop a tolerance for roofies in my drinks! When I was halfway down the street something smacked into my back causing me to go directly into a building's wall.
Do you know how painful it was when I hit that building? Well take a brick and drop it on your foot seven times before having a forklift drive over it and park on it until your bones are literal dust.
"Dashie! That's James," The pink pony said to whatever it was that slammed me into the side of a building.
"He kicked you. IN THE BUCKING HEAD!" A gruff tomboyish voice replied. I knew that voice from somewhere but I don't recall from. where. "I knew they were sick in their heads!" Oh right, the bitch.
"Yeah, I'm sick in the head because someone jumping on me causes me to panic. Fuck off!" I said to the mare as I tried to peel myself off the wall. Why the fuck was cartoon logic coming into play here?
"Buck you too, Prick!"
"It's fuck! FUCK NOT BUCK YOU STUPID MOTHER FUCKER!"
"IT'S BUCK NOT FUCK, ASSHOLE!" This is a waist of my time so I just started walking away while giving her a middle finger salute.
"I don't have time for you today," I said while walking away. Before I could get very far though that pink pony jumped up in front of me which almost resulted in me kicking her head again.
"Don't go yet! You have to say hi to Fluttershy first," Wasn't she that yellow mare at the con thing?
"Fluttershy? As in a yellow mare with pink hair? The pegasus that's friends with a lunatic that has a goat's head? That Fluttershy?" The pink pony just nodded vigorously. "Fine, let's go say hi,"
I may have a mission to find someone to fix the damn engine, but that can wait a couple of minutes. Besides if I get trapped here I can probably ask princess horse if I can shove a cactus up Discord's ass for all eternity. What, it seemed pretty effective at the con. The mare just happily started to hop into a random direction and I followed her.
"HEY! WHAT ABOUT ME?" That cyan bitch called out as we got further away. Again I just gave her a middle finger salute while following the pink mare towards wherever the hell Fluttershy is. If she wants to be a bitch then that's how I'm going to treat her.
***Rainbow***
What in Tartarus does that even mean? Whatever, I just spread my wings and flew up higher into the sky so I could get a good view of ponyville. If I was right than the squirt and her friends should be attempting to get their cutie marks in pillaging today. Looking towards a feild just out of town I could see a small fire beginning to form.
How do they even come up with these ideas? Well, how does everypony except Scootaloo come up with ideas? I know she get's them from watching T.V along with that Human show. I don't like the fact she watches it, but it's fans serious pricks which I don't want her to stat acting like.
That fire is starting to grow isn't it? They are also running away from it to. Facehoofing I grabbed the nearest cloud and started making my way towards the now out of control fire. Why do I always have to cover the squirt?
Author's Note
Chapter 11: That's Not Natural!
"How exactly did we get up here?" I asked the pink pony while looking towards the ground. I don't know how but we ended up in a tree while walking and the mare didn't seem to notice.
"We're taking a short cut to Fluttershy's," She said nonchalantly.
"That doesn't answer my question,"
"I know. Just chalk it up to me being Pinkie, everyone else does," She said rather calmly before jumping off the end of the branch we were on. Yeah, I was not going to be jumping to my death considering the end of this branch was over a fucking cliff! I didn't have a choice however as the mare somehow had a super stretchy neck and bit my leg to drag me with her. I'll have you know I had the most manly scream as I fell to quite possibly my death.
When we reached the ground however there was a fucking huge cake that broke our fall. Why in the hell is there a cake that just so happened to be exactly where we were falling, and why am I alive? Looking towards the pink pony I just told myself that I had lost my mind and I'm insane. That's much easier to explain than this bullshit!
"Having fun?" A rather familiar voice said above me.
"You're supposed to help me get home, not prevent it!" I said while picking my self up.
"I'm helping you by getting you help," He said as if his actions were completely justified.
"We have a dragon, a griffin, a super strong bug horse thing, and whatever the hell you are. I think all our bases are covered," I said while looking toward the pink pony who was currently licking the cake frosting off of her legs. Ponies are officially as flexible as cats from what I can see.
"Every little bits helps,"
"I wont deny help as long as it proves useful. The only thing she's proven that she can do is pounce on me!" I said while looking back toward the pink...she's gone. She wanted me to say hi to her friend, but then she disappears when I take my eyes off of her.
"Maybe she can help you deal with your feelings?"
"Hey, guess what. I don't have feelings anymore!" I borderline yelled at him. What I meant though was that I no longer cared when someone hurt me or if someone betrayed me because I've come to expect it from everyone. Hell, I'm betting that Ruby probably wants something at the end of this.
"Being told you're a T.V show bothers you. I can tell," He said with a slight frown on his face. "I might not be the nicest being, but I still feel pity,"
"I DON'T NEED YOUR GOD DAMN PITY!" Fuck people that tell me they pity me. I don't need it and I can get everything done without it.
"Alright, calm down. Listen, I'll fix that engine of yours but I recommend bringing Bon Bon along," I scoffed at the idea that he had. First he tries to pity me then he keeps up with his damn plan of trying to force me to bring along a loony! I swear if I didn't need him I'd have an outfit that even lady gaga would consider strange.
At this point Discord snapped his fingers and disappeared. That Explains how he's able to disappear every fucking minute! As he did that something fell on my head which fucking hurt!
"I don't think it worked," A voice said from above me. Looking up I saw two Pegassi flying above me, and they both gave me the most innocent smile before flying as fast as possible in the other direction. Looking toward what exactly they dropped on me I realized that they were either trying to kill me or knock me out because it was a big fucking rock!
"Where are we going Pinkie?" A small voice asked a little ways behind me. Turning around I saw Fluttershy and the pink pony walking towards me. When Fluttershy saw me a big grin crossed her face as she ran up to me and hugged me.
"I will not fight this for 5 seconds," I said while the mare just nodded and kept hugging me. Thankfully she had enough sense to let go when it hit the five second mark though she wasn't exactly the happiest about it. When she pulled away her eyes went wide before she started trying to drag me to god knows where,
"What's the problem?" I said while she tugged on my arm.
"Your head is bleeding!" She said rather panicked. Taking two fingers I placed them on my head to feel around for any blood and she was right. I was bleeding right where those pegassi dropped that rock, good thing they didn't kill me.
"It's just a little bit of blood. Just get me some disinfectant and a bandage, and I should be good." I said while I started walking towards what looked like a cottage with a tree growing out of it. It was the most logical choice since it was the closest thing to a building that I could see.
"What if you have a concussion though?" Fluttershy asked as she made her way beside me as I continued walking towards the cottage.
"That could pose a problem, but I can't afford to waste time on something that might not exist," I knew that a concussion actually could be extremely dangerous to me, but I could probably just get the lunatic to fix that if I had one.
"Your health is worth your time," she tried to argue. I just gave her a look that said 'I don't care' before trudging up to the door. Fluttershy actually opened the door to let me in when I realized that this might actually be her house. Well I'm stupid as hell.
"Listen, I'll go get it checked, but if it's nothing I expect you to apologize for making me waste my time," I said as I walked into the home that had a strong smell of well...every animal known to man, and several known to ponies. I need a vacation from this vacation.
Chapter 12: Is this even legal?
"I made you some- ANGEL! STOP HITTING JAMES!" Fluttershy yelled as she walked into the room with a bowl balancing on here nose. What she walked into was me all tied up while a small white rabbit was hitting me with a fish. It wasn't even a dead it fish as it slapped me with it's fins too as it went across my face! Don't even get me started on the flying bastards that live in that god damn bird house.
The white rabbit looked towards fluttershy before looking back at me with a glare. He jumped off my chest and landed next to a mouse hole. Why this was important was because the mouse brought a toothpick for the rabbit to jab me with. Fucking sadistic animals.
"Thanks, fluttershy. now if you don't mind, UNTIE ME!" I yelled as I struggled against the rope the rabbit had used to tie me. How the thing was able to tie me up was beyond me; I just took a three second nap.
"I'm sorry, James. Angel has a few...social problems," After saying that a carrot flew towards Fluttershy's head. Looking over towards the where the carrot came from I saw a very angry rabbit with a toothpick at the ready. I never thought I'd be scared of a bunny.
"I can see that," I said while glaring at the rabbit and showing him the respect he deserved with a hand gesture. He looked at me confused, but fluttershy on the other hand covered her mouth before saying,
"JAMES, Angel is just a child!" The rabbit's cheeks turned a tint of red before squeaking out random squeaks. I think he was trying to refute what Fluttershy was saying, but considering he was in fact a rabbit he couldn't get it out in English. How were these ponies speaking English for that matter.
That was a thought for another time however as Fluttershy finally freed me from my restraints so I could start moving again. Getting up from the chair I was tied to I stretched my limbs and made my way over towards the door. Fluttershy didn't seem to want me to go considering she was holding onto my leg like a small child would.
"Let go, Fluttershy. I've spent enough time here as it is,"
"But why? You can meet Mr. Bear or maybe help me feed the animals or-" I put a hand over her mouth before she could continue.
"I have three months. I don't have much time, and the more time I waste the less likely I am to get home," I was saying all this in hopes that sanity would win the day. It did, sort of anyway as she removed my hands from her mouth,
"Maybe I can come with you?" She asked with one of those puppy dog faces. It's a good thing that those doesn't work on me anymore since my last girlfriend.
"Nope, thanks for fixing up my head," I said as I quickly made my way outside of the cottage. Fluttershy had wrapped a few bandages around my head to help with the blood awhile ago, but I only now remembered to thank her. Well she wasn't complaining so I assume that she was perfectly fine with it.
***Ruby***
"I was just saying your pretty!" Seabreeze said as I held him by the wings over a cup of water.
"Saying I'm a fine piece of ass doesn't mean pretty, Dumbass!" I said before lowering him towards the water while he flailed about if panic.
"Can't you take a joke?" He said while I dipped his tiny hooves in the water which made him full on flail around in panic. I wasn't going to actually drop him in the water, but it was sure as hell funny with him thinking I would.
"So you were joking? To think I actually thought you were complimenting me," I gave him a cheeky smile after I said that before dropping him next to the cup.
"I think my life flashed before my eyes!"
"Really, what'd you see?"
"I saw a beautiful dragon into very kinky-"
"Stop right there!" I said while putting a claw over his mouth. Well I tried anyway as when my claws made contact Seabreeze went flying across the room in a spectacular fashion. He ended up flying through a pile of stacked bottles before raising a hoof and saying,
"What a mare," I swear when James get's back we're going to have a discussion about our little friend.
***James***
"I said NO!" I yelled as the mare simply wouldn't leave my side. While walking around town I've met a fair number of those fans, but this one was just crazy! I mean almost Bon Bon crazy, but at least I could pry her off of me unlike this mare.
"I just want to love you!" She pleaded.
"For fucks sake, NO!" I yelled again as I tried to throw her off my leg. She wouldn't let my leg fucking go no matter how much I shook her!
"Please!"
"NO!"
"Please!"
"NO!"
"Please, please,please!"
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO!" I said finally as I kicked my leg as hard as I could in hopes of getting the mare off of me. She still wouldn't let me go! This is getting really freaking annoying, and I swear that she needs to LET ME G-.
***Fan Mare***
"Took you long enough to knock him out," I said to my unicorn friend who finally caught up to us.
"It's not my fault you chased him across town!" She replied while levitating one of James' arms around her neck. "Help me carry him,"
"Alright, I can't wait for him to wake up!" I said as I grabbed James' other arm with my wing. This was going to be so awesome!
Author's Note
I apologize, but this is the only story I'll update today. I had a lot of homework so I only had time for one, and I went with the one that routinely has shorter chapters so I could do other things. Thanks for reading, and I hope to see you all next time.
Chapter 13: Incompetent Kidnappers
I was back in that dark place from before. That light was shining even brighter the before, and this time I had curled up in the corner while I could still here the voices outside the box I was trapped in. I wanted so desperately to get out of here, but the glass or whatever this box was made of held strong against everything I threw at it.
While I was curled up however I felt something smack into me. Looking up to see what it was I saw a tomatoe before I heard someone shout out,
"DANCE MONKEY!" I got to my feet and kicked the walls of my prison until a crack started to form. I am not somebodies entertainment!
******
"Wake up James. We have a surprise for you," A voice said a little to close to my ear. I definitely didn't recognize it since all the people that are traveling with me have deeper types of voices. I slowly opened my eyes to see a white pegasus with a blonde mane was standing in front of me with what looked like a saddle on it's back.
Then another pony came in, a unicorn in fact. She was a weird kind of red with a white mane. She was also wearing the saddle thing for some reason.
"It's noon-thirty! Let me get back to sleep weird ponies," I said while I snuggled with the ropes binding me to my chair...Wait a minute. "WHY AM I TIED TO A CHAIR?"
"Because you'd run away, silly," The pegasus said while walking over to me weirdly. Maybe she had some kind of walking problem because I don't think hips should sway that much when you walk.
"No shit. I woke up tied to a chair with my head feeling as if it was kicked by a horse.
"Sorry!" The red unicorn said from the other end of the room.
"It's no problem Healing, you didn't kill him," The pegasus shouted out to the unicorn before she finally reached my leg. "So how are you?"
Did she really just ask that question when they kidnapped me and tied me to a chair. Not only that, but I don't know how long I've been tied to this chair, and I probably will be here indefinitely and lose my way home.
"Oh, I'm great. I'd be even greater if you untied me and let me go," I said as I started to lean side to side in my chair. The unicorn just giggled before walking up to me.
"Yeah, your not getting out of one of Surprise's knots." She said while patting on the pegasus' back. "She's an expert gift wrapper."
"Oh, stop it you," Surprise said while patting Healing's back a little too hard.
"Great, if you can't let me go then can you tell me why you kidnapped me? I kind of have to be somewhere,"
"You're here to be our coltfriend!" Surprise said excitedly as she bumped her hooves together in a sort of clap. Why for the love of god do all the fans want me to date them, and or-
"I just want sex," Healing interrupted my train of thought with exactly where it was heading.
"That too! Which is why you're also going to be our coltfriend," I thought Bon Bon was crazy, but these two don't seem to realize kidnapping someone isn't a great way to start a relationship.
"You guys aren't exactly smart, are you?" I said while I started to search for the knot of the rope without alerting the ponies. They both looked at me with a questioning look before I spoke again, "You kidnapped me and expect me to be your boyfriend I assume. That doesn't exactly happen,"
"With Stockholm syndrome it can!" Surprise said happily before going behind my chair and swatting at my hands. "You should really not try to get out of that chair. We still have to get ready,"
Both of them left the room after that giving me time to look around and come up with a plan. I was in a small room that looked a lot like a basement with the various pieces of junk scattered all around. I could see a window, a tennis racket, a few broken jars, a skull, and some boxes. Wait, broken jars are exactly what I need!
I stood up in the chair causing me to bent at a weird angle. Why didn't they think of getting me a chair that I couldn't do this in? I mean it's easy enough if you can distribute your weight right, and it's not even that difficult. When I finally reached the broken jars I had to turn around and blindly grab at them until I grabbed one of the glass shards.
That wasn't the best idea as I accidentally cut myself while grabbing the glass, but I still had something sharp enough to cut through my ropes. Score one for James! I spent the next few minutes cutting at one piece of the rope until I heard a noise from the other side of the door the two mares went out of.
"We're ready!" Surprise yelled out which caused me to more furiously cut at the rope. Just as they came into the room was when the rope slid off of me, and with that I gave them a sly smile.
"It's been vary lovely meeting you ladies, but SEE YA!" I kicked over some of the boxes to slow them down a I climbed out the window to freedom. Yeah, I am not looking for any more relationships.
Author's Note
I'm thinking of changing that Rainbow dash tag the more I think about it. She was going to be an important part of the story, but I realize that she wouldn't have a motivation to go as far as I need her to. The motivation she has is just enough for her to harass fans, but not do a certain part of the story so, should I get rid of that tag and switch it to someone else?
Also everyone was wrong! One mare was an OC while the other is Surprise. I win!
Chapter 14: I don't care anymore
I was running at full speed down the medieval looking street. I wasn't exactly sure where the hell I was in this town but anywhere was better than back in that basement. Why the hell are fans fucking insane?
I wasn't used to running at full speed for very long but adrenaline made me not give a fuck about the throbbing in my legs long enough to see the blimp just down the street from where I was. I was so happy about seeing it's silvery siding that I didn't notice a white hoof extend causing me to trip.
"You can't get away that easy, silly!" Surprise said as she jumped out of the ground where the hoof had been. Why and how the hell did she do that, and how did she do that without getting any dirt on her? "I'm Pinkie's cousin," She randomly blurted out while having a big smile cross her face.
The sound of heavy breathing and hooves hitting stone rang from behind me causing me to turn. I saw Healing running, if you could call it that, towards me covered in sweat. As she finally got close to me she fell to the ground and hugged my leg.
"We *wheeze* have *wheeze* you now!" The red unicorn said while trying her best not to just pass out from exhaustion. I would of pried her off my leg, but I think she'd just fall off if I took a few steps in any direction. I took my eyes off of healing to look back at surprise who was currently performing some weird ritual.
"Oh yeah, we got him. We're the best!" Never mind, she's just rubbing her victory in my face. I just lifted the leg with Healing up causing her to let go before I started walking towards the blimp. I don't think Surprise noticed, and I'm positive that Healing is unconscious, score one for me.
With those two distracted and nothing to do I decided to get the fuck out of here. I was speed walking down the street when I heard a very tomboyish voice call out behind me.
"I told you girls that we should of used oil instead of gasoline!" A small orange pony said while walking in my direction. She had a purplish mane and small wings on her back. There were also two other ponies following her, one was a alabaster white with a bright pink and purple mane while the other was yellow with a red mane with a bow in it.
"You were the one that said we should try to get our cutie marks as conspiracy theorists!" The yellow one said while waving her hoof around to exasperate what she was saying.
"How was I supposed to know the signal fire would burn out of control?" The orange pony raised her voice. At this moment I felt something small and furry hit the side of my leg. Looking down I saw that the white pony had bumped into me and was currently staring up at me with big fearful eyes.
"Hello-"
"MONSTER!" She cried out as she hurried onto her feet to run towards the other two ponies who ere now staring at me as well. The yellow one shakily got in between me and the other two before boldly saying,
"Get out of here before I-"
"COOL!" The orange one said before rushing over to me with a huge grin on her face. While she rushed towards me she inadvertently knocked the yellow pony off her hooves causing her to land on her face. The orange filly by this point was examining my leg with extreme focus as if it would disappear if she were to look away.
"I'm not even going to question this anymore," I said as I accepted the fact that literally everything is obsessed with me in one way or another. I literally do not care anymore.
"This is so cool! You look exactly like my favorite character from My Big Human!" The pony said while her wings buzzed and she jumped up and down. It was adorable to say the least, but I couldn't focus on it as I had places to be and people to see.
"Great, now I'm going to go before anything goes wrong," I said as I continued walking towards the blimp that was only a few yards away now.
"What do you-"
"HI JAMES!" An overly excited and peppy voiced yelled from behind me causing me to sprint the rest of the way towards the blimp. I heard wings flapping hard behind me which made me realize that Surprise could still fly and beat me to the door. As I neared the blimp's door it flew open and slammed into my face.
"Fuck under chocolate kings!" I said as I fell to the ground gripping my face in pain.
"OH MY GOD, I"M SO SORRY!" Ruby quickly said as she rushed over to my side with a worried look. "I was going out to look for you when you ran here."
"Fine, it's fine. Just keep that crazy mare away from me," I said while pointing towards where Surprise had been standing.
"James, nopony is there," Ruby said, causing my head to snap towards where Surprise was a second ago. There was absolutly no traace of her ever being there and I swear I could hear her laughing.
"Whatever, can we get going?" I asked which Ruby nodded to as we walked back into the blimp and I took a seat in the pilot's chair. Shortly after sitting down I felt something lay on to my shoulders before feeling pressure being applied. "What is-"
"Hush, you're too stressed" Bon Bon said as she continued to massage my shoulders. I didn't do anything for about three seconds, then I realized that Bon Bon was back on the blimp.
"DISCORD!"
Author's Note
I'm back, sorry for taking a break and not announcing it to you all. I want to type more, Bbt I'm not sure on what to say so...hi
We're just gonna go now...
Chapter 15: We're just gonna go now...
"Yes, James?" Discord said as he crawled out of one of the vents that are all over the ship. I would of freaked out since only one limb came out at a time but I don't think he surprises me anymore.
"What part of no don't you understand? Is it the N or the O or maybe how far I'm going to shove that cactus up your ass?" I said while going to my bag that still laid in the blimps main room. Discord just kept on grinning while I rummaged around for my prickly weapon but it quickly vanished when I pulled out said cactus.
"This is the thanks I get? I get your airship working and get you some help, and you want to rape me with a cactus, How unprofessional." He said while reattaching the various limbs he sent through the vent. I swear he would make a great horror movie monster if you just throw some blood on him.
"You messed with the engine first of all so you should have fixed it, and I already told you we don't need anymore help!" I started raising my voice towards Discord. Bon Bon was still standing nearby with a frown across her face. I don't want to be an asshole towards her but for the love of god, I can't deal with getting trapped here.
"I was just doing what I was told to; I'm help you get what you need to get home." Discord reasoned while I just gave him the finger before walking over to Bon Bon to finally clear things up.
"Listen Bon Bon, I don't have anything against you, but we don't have anything we need you for. If we did then I'd gladly take you along," Hopefully by saying that then she would leave without a problem. At that moment I started to hear a small voice coming from Bon Bon's mane.
"Why would you want to get rid of this piece of ass?" At that moment Seabreeze untangled himself from Bon Bon's hair and I facepalmed hard enough to crush a fly ten feet away.
"Wh-what? " Bon Bon said while trying to find where the voice came from. Why do I have a feeling that Seabreeze is going to be more trouble then he's worth in the end?
"We're not keeping Bon Bon here so you can undress her with your eyes," I said while still holding my head in my hands.
"I'm already undressed though," Bon Bon quickly said.
"Take it as an expression," I stated flatly. She did have a point though, everybody was naked except for me, Ruby, and Seabreeze. Speaking of Ruby I heard her walk up behind me. I turned to greet her, but quickly shut my mouth because...SHE WAS SHIRTLESS! I quickly covered up my eyes before asking her "Why aren't you wearing anything?"
"Why would I be..." I couldn't see her face but by the fact she trailed off I believe she's embarrassed. "SORRY, I forgot that not wearing clothes is weird for you and-" She just went on and on about how she was sorry and how she was only wearing those shirts for the convention . I was doing my best to not look directly at her...blessings, god this is embarrassing.
"It's fine. You just look like an extremely attractive woman with scales...and a tail," I said trying to defuse the situation. That was when I realized what I said and quickly tried to correct myself. "I don't mean that I find you attractive...I mean not that you're not but...I'm going to shut up before I screw this up even more."
Ruby wasn't saying anything and I thought that she might of been getting ready to smack the shit out of me. She never did though and instead I heard Seabreeze semi screaming at her.
"YOU THREATENED TO PUT ME IN WATER FOR SAYING THAT!"
"You tried doing what? Also it's a problem because?" I asked. You can't really blame me for not knowing why it was such a problem since I've literally only been in this world for about 3 days.
"I'm a breezy so being submerged in water is essentially a death sentence. We float with the wind and water destroys our wings so she almost killed me!" Seabreeze cried out in frustration.
"You insulted me and it wasn't like I was actually going to drop you!" Ruby said as she started to raise her voice towards him.
"BOTH OF YOU CHILL! You shouldn't have insulted her, and you shouldn't have played with his life! I thought you were above that Ruby," I sopped both of them before this argument could continue further. I am going to have a really long conversation with Ruby about all this, especially since she could of killed Seabreeze like that.
"I know you want me to leave but maybe I could help keep these two from killing each other." Bon Bon chimed in, I had completely forgot she was there being as silent as she was.
"I don't even see why you're angry with me! When I threw you across the room you still tried flirting with me!" Ruby continued with Seabreeze who was floating next to her face.
"I like my women dangerous," Was his simple reply. I just threw my hands up into the air and started walking towards those bedrooms I saw when first exploring the ship.
"I'm not dealing with anymore of this shit today, good night,"I passed multiple bedrooms till I found what appeared to be the captains room which I commandeered as my own.
It looked like a luxury suite from a hotel with a large queen sized bed and a nice painting hanging over it. The painting was of a simple lake but in the background I could see something obscured. It didn't matter though as I turned to see a mini fridge and I immediately opened it to find the largest stockpile of soda I've ever seen.
I didn't see much else worth mentioning unless you count the walls being a kind of golden orange color. I just walked up to the bed and plopped myself down on it before passing out. I'll figure out where to go first tomorrow.
***Surprise***
"What are we going to do now?" Healing complained to me while I paced around the front of the airship. James had hidden back in there to decide his feelings for us obviously, but how could we keep him interested if he was locked up like that? It's obvious Stockholm syndrome didn't work out to well so...
"How about we sneak on board and help him get what he needs to get home," I suggested.
"But we don't want him to get home," Healing whinned.
"Exactly, when we have everything we'll toss it out of the airship so he wont have enough time to replace everything and he'll have to stay!" My plan was brilliant, but we couldn't let James see us.
"Alright, how are we going to get in?" Healing asked.
"I'm pinkie's cousin, remember? HEY, CROWD, GET US ON THE AIRSHIP!" I yelled toward the sky while Healing looked at me like I was insane.
That next moment we were inside the airship's cargo hold without so much as a scratch.
"I'm not going to question this," Healing said with a flat expression.
Chapter 16: Planning
I was sitting in class with the professor once again going on one of his rants about something completely off topic. I stopped listening after he started talking about the Illuminati. We're in college and the professor wants to go on a tangent about an organization that both no longer exists and has been taken completely out of context. How did I end up here anyway?
I mean, the only real reason I wanted to go to college was so I could actually get a job since it seems you need a diploma to even flip burgers now a days. Hell, I bet there is a diploma in burgerology or some stupid shit like that somewhere.
"James?"
I mean there are some moronic courses you can take here. What could be the use for a diploma in philosophy; admittedly it's a good class but you can't get a job with that.
"James."
I did take one course in it and I enjoyed it as it helped me understand some things, but I still don't see why-
"JAMES!" The professor semi screamed at me from the front.
"hm, oh sorry sir. What were you asking?" I answered while straightening up my posture.
"Would you like to repeat what I said?"
"No, sir,"
"Then pay attention. Now class, the Illuminati," god damn it. He went right back to the whole Illuminati bullshit so I went back to slouching in my desk. Why do I have to deal with this bullshit while Jason gets to travel the world?
"What is this 'Illuminati' thing?" a voice echoed throughout the room. My eyes shot open and I looked around the room to see who said that. I must have been the only one to hear it because everyone else was facing the front. I once again relaxed my posture until I noticed the girl beside me turned to me.
"Can I help you?" I asked the girl. The blue faced girl looked at me with a perplexed look.
"This 'Illuminati'thing. What is it? You keep losing focus so I can't hear him." The girl replied which made me look at her with a 'are you kidding me' expression.
"Just listen to him. I don't have to be focusing for you to hear him.:
"This is your dream so you have to,"
"What?"
******
I shot up out of my bed which I was tucked into for some reason. I tried thinking back to what I was just dreaming, but I was already forgetting what it was about. I know it had something to do with taking over the world!
I crawled out of the bed and slowly rose to my feet while stretching.
"*yawn* Fucking beds in shit," i said to my self as I started stretching out my back while listening to some satisfying pops from my back. That's probably the most beautiful sound I've heard since arriving in this crazy ass land of horses.
A moment later was when Bon Bon walked into the room with a tray of pancakes on her back.
"Good morning James. Did you sleep well?" She asked while setting the tray down on one of the end tables.
"Yeah, a weird dream but nothing new." I replied as I decided to go caveman and eat one of the pancakes with my bare hands. Bon Bon looked at me wide eyed for a minute before shaking her head and continuing the conversation.
"What kind of weird dreams?" she asked while getting uncomfortably close to me.
"I don't remember what they were about, but I know they aren't normal. Don't worry about it Bonny." I said before petting her head and making my way to the door. "Thanks for the food by the way."
***in the main room***
"What do you mean you don't know where to go? You're the one flying this thing!" Ruby yelled at Gretch who had a vein visibly pulsing on her forehead.
"I know where we have to go, but I don't know where to start. Read my beak, I don't know where to start!" Gretch yelled back while I walked up to the map on the wall. I had no idea how long is was sitting there, but I wasn't going to complain about it.
"How about we go after that alpha teeth first?" I proposed which caused Gretch to become rather agitated to say the least.
"I am not flying into diamond dog territory! You're on your own if you think I'm risking my neck like that!" Gretch screeched at us. I had to clean out my ears to make sure I could still hear. I mean, I'm pretty sure that ringing shouldn't last for this long.
"Why not?" I asked when I could finally hear again,
"Because diamond dogs are monsters and they all should die in there damn holes!"
"That's not right, Gretch. I want you to calm down." I said while stretching out my hand to do that whole simmer down thing.
"Listen, I'll fly you anywhere except there. Do you understand?" She said while trying to calm herself down.
"I think we should start with that because it's closer. We get that first and you can go ahead and get it over with." I reasoned. Gretch looked at me for a minute while thinking it over in her head.
"Fine, but I'm dropping you off just outside of their territory. You get the teeth and you come back. This is the best I'm willing to do for you."
"Deal."
Author's Note
Hello everybody! I'm sorry for the long, long, long hiatus on my stories. I just haven't felt like writing for the past 2 months. Anyway, I hope to get back into a schedule you'll all be happy with/
Chapter 17: So it Begins
"Are we there yet?" Bon Bon complained while lifting her head from her chair's armrest.
"You didn't have to come, Bonny. We're going to be flying for awhile just to get one of these things." I said while getting up from my own chair to stretch. "Anything going on, Gretch?"
"If you look to your left you'll see clouds, and to your right, guess what, more clouds." Gretch replied with a sarcastic tone. For the last two days she's been like that; she must really despise these diamond dog people for her to hate them so deeply. Maybe it'd be a good idea to talk with her about it at some point.
"Well, I'm going to see if there's anything we missed on the ship, see ya." I said while walking up to the ladder that's at in the middle of the room. I grabbed a hold of it and began to climb when the blimp jerked a bit, but Gretch wasn't worried so why should I be. Taking a deep breath I continued climbing the rather lopsided ladder until I reached the next floor. This place isn't exactly friendly to anyone that needs help, is it?
Without anyone screaming in my ear or distracting me I was finally able to get a good look at what was up here. The room was very spacious with wooden crates everywhere. When I looked up I could see multiple hot air balloons being filled up to keep the thing floating...I don't think that's how blimps work. In the corner was that computer that Ruby showed me those 'unique' fanfictions about my life which still creep the hell out of me. I do not want to see anymore tentacles in my lifetime.
I began to make my way towards the back of the blimp passing all those crates that seemed to form a maze up here. Did we always have that couch? The more of these crates I passed the more curious I became until I finally couldn't stand it anymore and picked one to open. The crate I walked up to had a strange insignia on it with what looked like a ponified yin-yang symbol on it. The top of it was nailed down, but the nails were rusty and jutting out in various directions so I grabbed one and yanked it out. This was a horrible idea.
"Gah, owowowow." I said as I pulled my hand away from the crate and looked at it. I had a splinter the size of a tree jutting out of my finger! Most people say to use tweezers for something like this, but I'm a real man and tried to pull it out with my teeth! When I bit on to it and started pulling my head flew back and I gave a successful huzzah! I looked towards where my former wooden enemy was and...it broke in half. FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!
I looked around for anything to help me pull the little nuisance out of my finger, but I couldn't find anything! There was nothing here except for more of those fucking crates! I looked down at my finger and sighed as I knew my only option right now was to dig out the splinter with my nails. This wasn't going to be fun.
***Behind the craters***
"What is he doing?" Healing asked as she peered through a small crack between the crates. Unlike James she was not too keen on touching the crates that were clearly splintering and barely holding together as it was.
"I think he's trying to pull out that splinter," Surprise said as she stuck part of her head through the opening. Healing just stared at her for a minute before speaking back up.
"He can't grab it. He bit off the part that he could pull it out with"
"*Gasp* He's clawing it out!" Surprise semi-screamed as she saw James digging his nails under the splinter in order to remove it. A magical aura surrounded Healing's horn as she prepared to cast a spell. but Surprise quickly smacked it. "We can't let him know we're here yet."
"You don't dig out a splinter though! It's unsanitary and would hurt worse then the splinter itself," Healing reasoned.
***Back to James***
'Fuckfuckfuckfuck! I hate those damn splinters!' I thought to myself as I finally clawed out the stupid piece of wood from my skin. I was bleeding a little from where the little bugger was, but I was free from its torment and could move on with my life. I though I heard something hit the floor from behind the crates, but I couldn't find a way around them to see what had caused it so I just moved on back towards the ladder. Before I reached it however I saw that cannon again
"Seriously, this thing is useless," I said as I kicked the side of it which I deeply regretted as I started bouncing around on one foot.
"Hahahahaha, I simply love how I don't even have to do anything to you for a laugh, James!" Discords voice said somewhere nearby.
"Oh great, the goat snake." I said to myself as I walked over to the ladder which was only a few feet away. "How about you go annoy Bonny instead of me."
"I would but you are a unique brand of chaos! You're that chaos that tries to create order! It's simply brilliant." He said while his weird yellow eyes appeared on the side of a crate. "I tried something similar, but I couldn't quite disguise the chaos as well as your people could, James"
I grabbed onto the ladder and began to slide down while keeping my middle finger just in discord's view until I was back at the bottom. Fuck that guy.
Author's Note
I decided to use this chapter to practice with my imagery and details. Basically, I'm wondering if I did better or worse then usual.
Also, we're nearing 100 likes. Let's do this!
Chapter 18: Tis a flash Wound
*Thump* *Thump* Thump*
"Can you stop throwing that at the wall. It's annoying." Gretch said as I sat back in my captains chair throwing a ball against the wall. I grabbed it as it came bouncing back to me and looked over towards her with a bored expression.
"No." was all I said before throwing it against the wall again so I wasn't ready to jump out the side of this blimp. I mean it feels like we've been flying for eight months when it's only been a few days. Strange huh? *thump* Still can't believe that I finally get to ride around in one of these things. *Thump* Something about a blimp is different from a plane, more stable I guess. *Thump* Though I suppose a plane gets places faster, but they might be a bit ahead of horse hell's tech tree. *thump* *Shwing* well there goes my ball...
"I said stop." Gretch said as she took what was left of my ball and tossed it out the window into the abyss below. Well it's more country side, but abyss makes it sound more ominous.
"You're just a kill joy, you know that?" I said as she walked back over to the wheel and focused her eyes forward.
"Only when you annoy the living tartarus out of me."
"So literally everything I do."
"That sums it up." She said in one of the most monotone voices I've ever heard. Welp, this conversation wasn't going to keep going in any particular direction. Now that I think about it, I just had to ask her exactly where we were.
"Are we in the land of bitches yet?"
"No, but we'll be setting down in an hour or two and we'll discuss how long I'm willing to wait on you before I go back and tell Celestia you guys are dead."
"Remind me to never ask you for a pep talk." I said before seeing some mountains off in the distance and I figured I might as well try and ask what the hell a diamond dog was exactly. I mean are they made of diamonds, do they talk like these other ponies and dragons and everything? "So, what are diamond dogs?"
"Evil." She stated simply and angrily.
"Yeah yeah, you hate them yada yada. I mean what are they. Can they talk?"
"Broken equestrian, yeah."
"English."
"Equestrian." She stated again with irritation before actually giving me more information on them. "They are about as tall as ruby and look like dogs. They do wear clothes like you, though it's mostly just jackets or ripped up shirts. Their favorite pastimes are enslaving Innocent villages and ruining lives."
"suppose that's a good enough description..." To be completely honest, I was not expecting that last part of what she said. I mean queen horsey made it seem like I'd just fight some random thugs or 'bandits' but this place didn't seem like it could breed slavery or the kind of hate Gretch has. The world seems to like proving me wrong time and time again.
"There are a few outside of ponyville, but they don't bother us." BonBon said as I jumped up into the ceiling.
"JESUS CHRIST BONNY!" I yelled before dropping back down beside her. "Don't sneak up on people!"
For some reason she didn't seem to notice what I said and instead had a dopey smile on her face and was looking up at me. She giggled a bit which was starting to creep me out, and I decided the best course of action was to slowly back away from the fan mare.
*Inside BonBon's head*
"JESUS CHRIST BONNY!" he he, He called me Bonny. That must mean he's finally coming around towards liking me. I couldn't help but giggle a little at the thought before realizing he was backing away. whoops.
*Back in reality with James*
"Well, they're probably planning on attacking any month now if they've been there for awhile. They may be stupid, but they know how to ambush." Gretch said while looking over towards BonBon, "Hope you guys have guards in that ponyville of yours or it might not turn out to great for you."
"Oh Celestia wouldn't let anything happen to us.The moment we go missing she'd send somepony to come save us." BonBon said so sure of herself.
"pfft, right." Gretch said with a lot of sarcasm in her voice. "And my secret lover is a diamond dog who can speak eight languages and dances the pony polka like a dream."
"Really?" She asked before I Facepalmed hard enough to remove part of my face. I say that because when I pulled my hand back there was a bit of blood on it. The funny thing is that I hadn't had a nose random nose bleed in the last 4 years or so. This however made BonBon look at me and go into a semi panic.
"OH MY CELESTIA! James are you okay? Why are you bleeding? Do you need a band aid? do you put band aid's over your nose? oh, what do we do?" She said while pacing in an urgent fashion until I stopped her.
"yes, I get random nose bleeds, no, and you tip your head back and clog up the bleeding nostril." I said as calmly and simply as I could.
"But I thought those nose bleeds ended years ago." BonBon said which put me off for a moment. Exactly how long had that show of mine been going for? How many of those small details of my life has it revealed to these ponies just to waste an hour or two of their time? The more I thought about it, the less I liked the idea that I was a star here. During my deep thought process, something poked my shoulder.
"Hey James, you okay? you don't look so good." Gretch said while offering me a rag to wipe away some of the blood.
"I already said I was fine. These things happen from time to time so it's not really a problem." I replied to hopefully put everyone's minds at ease rather than worrying about me. They both took the answer I gave them though Gretch was slower to tear her gaze away from me. She obviously wasn't buying it, but I don't know what else she would think is going on.
Gretch went back into her captain's chair, BonBon went back to doing BonBon things and I sat back into my annoying Gretch chair while I worked on stopping my nose from bleeding anymore. After awhile I decided to have fun and reached into the side of my chair to fine...oh right; Gretch destroyed my ball and tossed it into the abyss... Looking up at the ladder leading to the next level, I saw Seabreeze waving for me to come up.
I Got up out of my chair asked him, "The fuck do you want?"
"Just get your ass up here."
"What if I don't wanna?"
"Then you can stay bored if you want. I got the cannon working!" As he said that I darted up the later in the blink of an eye. To save the trouble of telling what happened with the cannon next...the shack war in equestria was finally over because there were none left! ALL HAIL JAMES, LORD OF THE CANNONS!
Author's Note
I AM BACK FROM THE DEAD! I am deeply sorry for the long, long, long wait on anything from me really. I hope that this chapter is up to the standards you guys expected, but I am not sure about that. I am going to attempt to get back to writting again (Like I say everyday) but I hope you all understand.
Chapter 19: Eh
The door opened after a long, long, long journey into god knows where, but I was finally free! Free to run around and climb a tree and...and...
"THERE'S NOTHING BUT DUST OUT HERE!" I shouted upon realizing we were in a grey desert. There was nothing for miles except dirt, dirt, and guess what? MORE FUCKING DIRT!
"Well, Diamond dogs do live in the ground so it's not surprising that they'd pick a barren wasteland." Ruby said while looking around the desert herself. After a few moments, she decided to fly up and get a better view of everything while Gretch walked out of the blimp thing to have a look around herself.
"This is as far as I'm taking you guys." She said with a sorta fearful tone for some odd reason. Gretch never really struck me as the scared sort considering her rather...brash? Yeah, her brash personality. I don't know what happened to her with these dog things, but It definitely was not something that she wants to deal with.
"That's cool, but can I ask you exactly where we're going?" I said
"Down." That was the most simple and unhelpful reply the Gretch could have told me at the moment.
"Down? Down where?! Down on the dance floor? Down the street?! Down in the abyss?! Because if it's that abyss thing, I ain't dealing with no four warrior kings!"
"Just down." She repeated before pointing at the dirt below my feet.
"That is down, but it's not being helpful now is it?"
"Oh my God, shut up and start digging!" Gretch had finally snapped at me.
It was probably not in my best interest to keep on bothering her so I just got on my knees and started digging in the ground. After about a full minute of digging, Gretch hit me in the head with a shovel.
"OW! What was that for?" I asked
"Being a dumbass."
"You said dig, so I was digging!"
"I meant with a shovel, not your hands." When you think about it rationally, she was talking some sense. I however, do not care to look for those easier solutions when I can clearly solve the problem in my own way.
Regardless, I picked up the shovel and started digging in the small hole I had already started on. How far down could they possibly be anyway? I mean, they're dogs so they can dig anyway but the holes are typically pretty shallow in terms of how far they dig. They do have diamond in their name though don't they? Diamonds aren't exactly close to the surface of dirt so maybe they are pretty far in the ground and I'm just wasting my time here instead of looking for a cave to find them in.
"Having fun down there?" Seabreeze asked as he floated down and landed on my shoulder.
"Well I don't know. Am I having fun down here Mr. Shovel? No? Well there's you're answer bug boy." I replied in the most sarcastic tone possible.
"Oh come now, it's not like you're digging for miles or anything, just a quarter mile at most." What?
"And I'm the only one digging this god forsaken hole because?"
"Because Gretchen is flying away as we speak and Ruby is flying around in hopes of finding a hole the dog's didn't already cover up."
"And Bonny?" I asked
"Up here." That familiar voice said from above me. "You need anything?"
"I need a lot of things. A million dollars, a plasma screen, maybe go home in one piece but all that doesn't seem likely to happen." I may have come off a little too annoyed towards her, but digging is hard!
"Maybe I could help?" She said in an incredibly nice and soft manner. Why do I keep acting like an ass to her again?
"please."
"You don't get help until you put your back into it!" Seabreeze interjected with his ever so helpful taskmaster voice. He made a pretty unique shaped hole in the ground from where I flicked him off my shoulder.
"Careful when climbing down though." I said while helping Bonny down so she wouldn't trip and land on me...it didn't go like that though as she did trip, land on me, and had me in a very awkward position. "Bonny, can you please get off me?"
She didn't answer me...DID THAT TINY ASS FALL KNOCK HER OUT? Fan-fucking-tastic, now I get to lay in this hole until she wakes up or seabreeze stops laughing his ass off.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"'
Until she wakes up it is!
That's what it seemed like it was going to be anyway until a large shadow was cast upon the hole that me and Bonny were in and it started to rain. Though last I checked, Rain wasn't warm or kinda sticky and came down more consistently. In fact, this rain felt a lot more like slobber...wait a minute. Looking up, I saw a grey face peering down at me.
"Hello!" I said while looking up at the thing before more of the slobber fell on my face. "Rude!"
"Pony and James make nice show." It said as it lifted the two of us out of the hole. Now before I could even question how the hell the thing knew my name it started using it's other claw to continue digging where we were until it broke into a cave system literally two feet further down!
"Oi! Where you taking me asshole?!" I shouted as it dropped down.
"Meet with alpha, figure out what to do." It said back before it realized something. "Probably best to knock out James."
"Like hell you're going to knock me-"
*THUNK*
"And that's why you don't do drugs kids." I said while watching the starts fly around my head before taking a nap.
***Seabreeze***
"Well that isn't good." I thought as I saw the diamond dog drag BonBon and James down into the ground with it. Without Ruby or Gretchen around either means that I can't get any help until they come back...or I could just fly down there and kick some ass!
Yeah, I'll just swoop in like a spy and find that mangy mutt before taking out it's knees! It's a brilliant plan! Well it was until the dust kicked up from off the ground.
"Damn it!" I shouted as I was carried off by the wind. Curse my inability to fight the wind!
Author's Note
Before anyone gets onto me about saying I'd get back into writing and then skipping a week. I have had a very stressful and annoying two weeks so for the love of everything I hold dear. Do not say a word about it.
ps. ignore the chapter title, wasn't sure what to call it.
Chapter 20: Nope, Not Doing This
"What do you need to make an arrest?" My friend john asked.
"Probable cause, come on man give me a hard one." I said to him. I mean I need to ace this exam or I'm losing my scholarship and I do not want to be paying for college!
"Alright then, what's the difference between murder of the first degree and the second?"
"Premeditation and...and...shit." I had completely forgot the second thing. I needed this class to pass and I'm forgetting half a fucking question! How can I ace this thing if I'm forgetting parts of questions?! How am I going to pass anything if I keep forgetting-
"Your legal system is quite similar to ours from my understanding." Some weird blue girl said beside me...wait a minute!
"OH SHIT!" I shouted as I fell out of my chair into the floor. "WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU BLUE!"
"It is my natural fur color." She said rather calmly for being FUCKING BLUE!
"Hair ain't naturally blue, and I'm talking about your fucking skin!" I continued to shout at the woman with clearly mixed priorities. She's more worried about her fucking hair than he fucking skin! "Don't just stand there john, call a fucking doctor or something!"
It was at this moment I realized that john had stopped moving himself. I finally realized why the woman was both blue and calm about the fact that she could have some severe form of hypothermia. She was very clearly a demon! So I had to handle this situation in a calm manner and be tactful in what I said.
"BE GONE SATAN!" I shouted before throwing my book at her and ran out of my fucking dorm.
***Back in reality***
*SMACK* "OH GOD MY PRETTY FACE!" I shouted after something that felt like a brick smashed into my face!
"Wake up James!" I heard bonny shout into my ear before another brick smacked my face. "Wake u-"
"Do NOT smack me again!" I said while darting up to avoid the wrath of a demon with hooves! Those things looked all soft and marshmallowy at first glance but nope they're just as hard as normal hooves, maybe harder. Actually her hooves look just look like the rest of her leg and now that I think about it it's kinda freaking me out. I mean wouldn't that feel like just walking on you're leg without a foot? Would that hurt or just make walking-
"JAMES!" Bonny shouted in my ear again.
"BONNY! See I can shout your name too! Now what is so important I have to go deaf for?!"
"We're trapped." She said before pointing to a door...with bars... I took a long deep breath before I did the only sensible thing at the moment, PANIC!
"why are we trapped in here?! What if we get left in here to starve to death? What if The others don't find us down here? oh god, what if this is some sadistic game like in those old movies where we have to kill each other to escape?! I'm sorry Bonny but fuck that game, monopoly is better at draining all hope. how are we going to get out of here while playing monopoly anyway? Would the one that loses have to sell their feet? That'd be horrible! and why are you letting me panic for this long? Seriously I need-"
"SHUT UP!" Another voice came from outside the door. "James infuriating!"
"Oi, open the door then so we can talk!" I shouted but the real plan was to kick his ass when that door opened!
"Fuck, that." the voice said with that stupid pause between words.
"Why the hell do people do that pause thing anyway? it doesn't make you cool, it's just stupid." I thought to myself.
"You're stupid." The voice said outside.
"Oi, stay out of my head!"
"you said it allowed James." Bonny corrected me.
"I call bullshit! I might not be the most intelligent person but I know that I didn't say that out loud!" I told her before I heard the door click. That means one of two things, I unlocked it with pure unadulterated sarcasm or the guy decided to come in. After Two of those big grey things walked in, I figured out it was the latter. Maybe a mix of the two actually.
"I am alpha Maxwell." The larger of the two dogs said which gave me a glimpse at those things it calls teeth. I mean Jesus they were huge! His breath wasn't much better either because that mother fucker smelled terrible! Like a mix of rotting meat and...something else disgusting and terrible smelling!
"I'm James and-"
"We know you're James." Maxwell said before giving me a toothy grin. "Some dogs enjoy show." He explained which explained the whole not dead thing.
"This is BonBon." I finished while glaring at the dog. He seemed to only have noticed her now before looking to his friend there and literally barked at him. The other dog started to move towards bonny until I stepped in the way. "let me correct myself, this is BonBon, my friend."
Oh god I did that stupid pause thing! Though it did give the dog some pause before Maxwell over there barked again and I was shoved out of the way and he through Bonny over his shoulder and started walking towards the door.
"OI! You have 3 seconds to drop her before I make myself a dog fur hat!" I said as I got back up with one of the random rocks lying around.
"She'll be fine." Maxwell tried to reassure me before killing his own argument. "she only going to mine gems for dogs."
"so you're taking her to mine for gems by force?"
"yes."
"Isn't that slavery."
"yes."
"And you expect me to be fine with that?" I asked to clarify this whole situation.
"yes." he said again.
"Why exactly?" I asked as I held up the rock. "I can just beat your skull in with this, you know?"
"Because I have claws." Maxwell said before showing off fucking big ass claws that looked sharper than his fucking teeth! That some dogs he was talking about being fans clearly didn't include him.
"Great, so you want you're legs broken first or your arms?" I wasn't really asking because you know, I'm breaking both eventually so it didn't really matter which I broke first and- SOMETHING IS POKING MY BACK!
"Also have guard dogs." Maxwell said with that stupid grin again.
"Why can't you guys be like my dog back home? just kinda ignore me unless you want food or something?"
"Because you more important for keeping dogs below me." He said but I wasn't exactly sure what he meant by that.
**** a little over an hour later***
This is so fucking embarrassing. did they really have to stitch up a costume for me when I had my normal clothes? I looked back over the crowd of dogs that gathered to watch this whole play thing they had set up for me to act in and from my understanding it's just a bunch of the dogs fanfics because no way would I ever end up in dog land....again!
"Oh James, please tell me what we're going to do?" The dog designated as my 'best friend' asked.
"The same we do every night pinky, try and take over the world!" I shouted before had the back of my head smacked. I begrudgingly read the actual line, "I don't know, but we'll make it through this thanks to ugh...Alpha Maxwell."
I'm going to enjoy breaking his teeth when I get out of this.
Author's Note
I bet you're wondering "Crowd, why have you been a lazy asshole for the past year and not been writing shit?" well the answer is I just haven't felt like it for awhile and when I did I had to do something else such as school or work. Let me tell you, neither was fun for the last year. Work especially since they decided I needed extra stress thrown on me during finals week by having me go through a course for a promotion that I didn't exactly want or care for.
Eh, I'm wasting ya'll time with this thing ain't I? Well as usual, thank you all for taking your time to read this story and I hope to see you all in the next chapter. Bye bye
ps. anyone else notice that almost every paragraph I write stats with someone speaking? I just noticed. WHY HAVEN'T YOU PEOPLE TOLD ME THIS!