When I first got up on that fateful morning, I had two things on my mind: chocolate cake and my lost self-respect. Darry and Soda were out cold on the coach, probably from all the hooch from last night’s party. The fact that it was to celebrate Johnny’s would-be eighteenth birthday clearly didn’t matter; a party was a still a party and no party would be complete without booze.
Two Bit was laying on the floor, flipping through one of those nudie magazines. You know, the one with all the girls with too much makeup staring at the camera and the main focus was on all their private parts. I wonder if money was the only reason why any of those girls didn’t kill themselves because they were selling their bodies for cash. Maybe they were just too dumb to realize the morality of it. Or maybe I’m just nitpicking. Its not like I haven’t made any major mistakes lately...
I walked past Two Bit without saying anything, wincing at the thought of conversation. My headache throbbing to the beat of my heart strong enough that I feared my brain might burst from my skull. I got the chocolate cake out and started shoveling it into my mouth. I wanted to eat all the cake, but my stomach wasn’t up to the challenge. I made a thorough mess of myself though, even getting it into my greasy hair. I swear to God I’m addicted to chocolate.
Two Bit took one look at me and started to snicker. “Eh, Pony, you ate like a horse!” Ha ha. That never gets old.
“Oh shut up. I can’t take any of your crap today.”
Two Bit got up from the floor (which was pretty nasty come to think of it) and smacked me against the head with the magazine. “Now don’t get sassy with me. I swear you're getting more like Dallas everyday.”
I had to pause. Dallas was a good friend. I hadn’t started liking him until it was too late. However, that doesn’t really change the fact that I can’t bear to be compared to Dallas. In all seriousness, he was the worst person I knew, but also the most complicated. He was born into a bad neighborhood, he lived a bad life, but he died in a good way. At least to us. The editorials weren’t as nice and most greasers think of him as dangerous, even if they admired him like me and the rest of my crew.
Two Bit suddenly grinned. “Well, you are becoming a man. Yeah, I saw you take that little ol’ thing to your bedroom. I’s pose you did the dirty deed?”
Listen. I consider myself a decent kid. Sure, I probably smoke way too much and I usually leave cake all over the floor, but I’m an overall nice guy. I guess.
The real reason I lost my self-respect was because I DIDN’T sleep with whatshername. By Golly, I sure wanted to but I just couldn't. She (I think her name was Sandy or something) really wanted to get into my pants, but I felt like it wasn’t right. I’m not against sex, at least the idea of it. You know, being passionately in love. And since I wasn’t passionately in love, I couldn’t do the ‘dirty deed’, as Two Bit rudely put it. She ran away crying when I told her this, making the situation even more awkward.
“How is it any of your business? Besides, I thought you’d drank so much you’d forget your own name.”
He shrugged and started reaching for some cake. I slapped his hand away and gobbled up some more. He chuckled and said, “Well, it appears I have at least one brain cell left.”
The past two years have been going okay, I suppose. Sometimes I still have dreadful nightmares about gallant men who are shot under streetlights and poor puppies getting kicked to the curb. I still dream of looking at sunsets with Cherry Valance. I don’t see her around anymore, she went off to college a year ago to some fancy art school. It makes me feel better to think that no matter where she is, she is watching the same sunset as I am.
Or maybe I am just saying all the same stuff, as nothing ever gets better. I was a firm believer in post modernism. You know, the fact that nothing new can be invented or thought. Boy, was I wrong.
Right around then, I heard Darry yawn. I knew I was in for it because I left cake and frosting all over the floor again. I ran past Two Bit, got my jacket, and casually walked out the door to avoid suspicion. I booked it right out of there; I could hear Darry’s cursing from three blocks away.
I turned around and stopped running. I knew that I was safe out on the streets alone because I think everyone took a major chill pill after Bob got killed. I think people finally saw how absurdly we live our lives, defining each other, labeling, assuming, controlling. Okay, way too many adjectives in that last sentence, but you know what I mean.
I wasn’t heading anyplace particular, but I started walking along the same path I usually take to the store. Maybe if I got Darry his favorite soda pop, Coca-Cola, I could convince him not to kill me. I was walking out of the store, carrying a grocery bag with several Cokes when a car horn scared the living daylights out of me. Without looking back, I started running. Running fast, running wildly.
Because greasers don’t pay taxes (except Darry, who doesn’t have a choice because the government subsidizes his wages), the city decided that it would return the favor by not fixing the cracks and potholes in the roads. Nobody really complains about it.
Well, I was going to be the first one to complain about it because I tripped on one of those potholes. I was thrown midair, spinning wildly, the world going mad like a cheap disco on Friday night.
My eyes boggled at the sight of the sewer drain. My brain screamed for my feet to stop, but it was no use. I can only imagine the hopeless look on my face when I fell down the drain, falling for what seemed liked an eternity.
When I hit the bottom my eyesight went out suddenly, like flipping a light switch. I heard my neck snap and I knew it was all over; the sunset was finally setting. I should have died long ago, but now it was too soon. Too soon.
Sorry Johnny. I tried to stay gold, but look where it got me. I guess I’ll see you in a minute. I hope you got some smokes, it will be good to catch up again…
Reality is extremely painful when you first wake up to it. I sat up and started sweating like crazy. My head still hurt like crazy, I couldn’t see anything, it was too dark.
Beep. Boop. Beep. Boop. The sound of the medical machines alerted me of several needles in my arms and my bandaged head.
Oh, thanks Lord! My heart rate increased and tears flowed from my cheeks. I was alive! Sodapop and Darry is probably outside the door, waiting for me to wake up. I hoped they at least got some sleep this time. I hoped I hadn’t worried them too much.
The light was turned on suddenly. I saw that I was in the cleanest and whitest hospital room I’ve ever seen. The floors were sparkly, everything seemed to be glittered in bleach, and I couldn’t find one smudge or rat turd anywhere.
I remember thinking that everything was a little bit lower to the ground than it should have been. I was probably only two feet off the ground. Even the window seemed to be touching the floor. But I grew a lot since the last time i was in a hospital nearly two years ago. My perspective probably changed.
“Darry! Soda! I’m here! Thank God, I thought I was dead for sure!”, I yelled, half screaming, half crying. I waited for the warm embrace of their hugs, for their big masculine arms to tickle me and tell me everything was okay.
What I got instead was some pink dog thing running towards me.
“Hiya! Oh my, you got a silly, willy bump on your head! Well, that shouldn't’ be … girls, I think he fainted! Get the doctor!”
Needless to say, I fainted right about then.
“Do you think he’s okay?”
“Should we poke it?”
“No! I’m sure that it will be more afraid of us than we are of it. In fact, his basilar is bruised, his edema is expanding, and his maxilla is mangy. I severely doubt he is any threat to us at all.”
My eyes started to flutter open. It was like in the movies, where everything is blurry and you can faintly see the outlines of people. Silence. Then you can clearly see everyone as the main characters eyes are full of tears.
The first part happened. The second part consisted of me staring at six small, cartoonish looking horses, none of them crying or smiling. Except for the pink one, who was sporting a humongous grin, like she told some fantastic joke between herself and an invisible man behind me. Was there an invisible man behind me? I turned around quickly so I wouldn’t miss him.
I said, “Come on out. I won’t harm you. I just wanted to know what the joke was!”
The purple one said, “Nurse! He’s acting crazy again!”
A magenta thing with a nurse’s jacket suddenly came with a syringe.
Okay, I’m getting tired of retelling how I woke up. So I’m going to skip to the part where I woke up, I did the cliche “What are you things?!”, and they told me a lot about their world.
“Okay, so let me get this straight,” I said. “Somehow, I crash landed on this place, uh, Equestria? And I’ve been in a coma for how long?”
“About two weeks,” the pony named Rainbow Dash said. She was the most colorful one there. The other ones were just bland. At least in my opinion.
“Two weeks! Wow, it only felt like a second.”
Twilight gave me an intense look. She was probably studying me, wondering what was underneath my hospital drabs. I honestly couldn’t believe that I fit into one of those things; they were outrageously small, the tail end barely reaching my butt.
“So, where am I by the way?”
“Ponyville,” all of them said together, then they immediately started laughing.
Okay. Everyone here is insane, I concluded. Oh well. I better act crazy like them, or they might eat me alive.
“Hahahahahahahaha!”
They all looked at me strangely. Right after they called the nurse with her evil, horrifying shot, I screamed, “Oh no, not again!” Out like a light.
Author's Note
I am a huge fan of S.E Hilton's The Outsiders. I am also a big fan of MLP. Thus, this was born.
