Fillies screaming bloody murder. I just stepped out of the damn forest and within 10 seconds somebody was starting a panic. Good to know, that my holiday is up to a good start. Thousand five hundred years since my last free day and what happens? Villagers run in fear – just great. My Boss is going to kill me!
But I am getting ahead of myself. Hi, I’m Xaphan. And technically I work for Celestia. Middle management in “enforced longtime custody”, basically I am an outsourced worker organizing parts of a special prison. Oh, and I am a devil.
What, are you really surprised by that? Sunbutt puts her enemies in Tartarus for fucks sake. Well, when she doesn’t beam them to the moon, turns them into stone or has a niece handy to blast them off. But still, how could she do that, when she wasn’t ruling that place?
Oh you want to know the story? Fine, why not.
So, before Sunbutt came, we kinda had a good run. We had the ponies going for a while with this whole wendigo thing, but eventually they overcome that. No hard feelings, you get some, you lose others. Another good idea was giving power hungry unicorns corrupting magic. Have you heard of Sombra? Yes, we did that. He was kinda one dimensional, but effective enough. Oh and before you ask: No, we had nothing to do with Discord. He just sorta came to Equestria from his own dimension and started fucking things up. We didn’t stop him, why should we? But eventually Discord got stoned and Sombra got blasted to bits by the royal bitch sisters Sunbutt and Lulu. But hey, opportunity! We started the whole Sombra-stick again, using her insecurities to make her turn to the dark side. And BOOM Nightmare Moon was born. So, Sunbutt had to give the moon a sister-filling. A normal mare would have cried, but nope! Next thing I know Sunbutt is PMSing around Tartarus, kicks our old boss’s ass and now basically runs the place. Well, she makes the sun rise, so technically she could be seen as “the light bringer”, so it wasn’t that much of a change. What was a change however, were the new politics: No more killing, no more turning ponies evil, no harvesting souls etc. Oh and that whole Apocalypse project? NOPE, ten thousand years of work, for nothing!
So now, we are basically glorified prison guards. We aren’t even allowed to torture the poor bastards! This job is boring as shit. And of cause nobody is happy with Sunbutt! So when Nightmare Moon escaped, some popped out the Champagne and celebrated, but I think these fuckers forgot our motto “abandon all hope!” of cause Celestia has prepared something. The bitch had one thousand years! When Discord came back it was the same deal again. Happy personal followed by hastily hiding of “Ding Dong, the bitch is dead”-Banners, when Sunbutt returned. The Changeling queen had our hopes up for a second, but she was way too stupid to make it last. Seriously, who uses stolen love to beat Celestia just to get blasted by the exact same fucking love, because the Bitch ignored it! I hate to say it, but I would rather work for Sunbutt that for that idiot Chrysalis, at least Sunny can count to ten without needing help. Nopony got their hopes up for Sombra, he was always a very one minded tyrant: conquer, make slaves, eat crystals. Even if he was successful, Sunbutt would have stayed your boss. When Tirrek “accidentally” escaped, because we “forgot” to have Cerberus guard him, he had a run, until Sunbutt gave the Princess of OCDs the mother of all power boosts. So, Tirrek is again in one of our cells and Sunny what “unimpeded” with our vigilance. She said something about consequences, but in her case that means less pay or less free days. In the old days, we you were flailed for having unorganized papers … a normal boss will need some getting used to after a millennium of Sunbutts cuddling. But, I don’t care. I’m on vacation, so I will just kick back and re-
Is it normal to get tackled out of your thoughts by a cyan blur? Oh yes, I forgot the screaming fillies, they must have gotten some help. Ok, let’s see what we have here: a cyan pegasus mare with a rainbow colored mane and tail. Ok, since she throw the first punch I could … wait a minute … pegasus … cyan fur … rainbow mane … Damn it. This is one of the ponies from Sunbutts “Don’t harm these ponies under any circumstances”-list. Great, so thing I have to talk my way out of this.
After another pair of hooves to the stomach, I tried my best: “Could you please stop that?” I think the punch to the snout was a no. Ok, another try:
“It would be very …”
-punch-
“Could you please …”
-punch-
“WILL YOU DUMB CUNT STOP HITTING ME?!” The cyan tomboy stopped dead in her treks. Good, screaming got the job done, now I just needed to calmly explain that I wasn’t …
“RAINBOW, GET DOWN” another voice jelled shortly before I got hit front and center by a magical blast. I was catapulted back into the forest.
Ok, pissed now! Since pegasi can’t cast spells, there must be a unicorn or an alicorn and since this was one of the Elements, I assume that the others came to help. If these are the elements I can’t harm them, without Sunbutt killing me, so I had only one option: Doing what I do best.
Working myself back to my hooves, I started to regret my fashion-choice for this trip: A seven foot tall, red furred, bipedal goat with clawed hands, three eyes and a burning mane and tail. Yeah, it’s a bit on the nose and cliché, but who said I had to be subtle? The only annoying part about this form was, that it’s kinda difficult to get back to your hooves, when you are in the undergrowth of a bloody forest.
But I eventually got back to a standing position, held my hands out and let the dark power flow throe me “ᴁ҉Ƥ͢ᾆ͢҉ʁ͝Σ͏ϲ͌͜έ҉П҃ᵭ҉͏͌ṏ” a red book appeared in my right claw and connected itself to my wrist with a chain of black metal. (Did I mention, that I love clichés?) My favorite weapon firmly in claw, I made my way out of the forest.
As I left the woods, I was greeded by six ponies standing in half-circle around me. Let’s see: cyan tomboy, pink bouncy pony, uppity white unicorn, hat wearing farm pony, yellow pegasus hiding behind her and a purple alicorn. Of cause, I meet the whole set of Elements and all of them look like they want to kill me … well, all except for the yellow pegasus, she just locks like she’s about to cry or faint … or both.
“What do you want, demon?” The purple princess said while charging another spell.
There was no need to be rude, but there was no need to be friendly ether and since I just got catapulted throe most a good chunk of a forest, I went for the ballistic option: “Ok, fist of all: fuck you. Secondly, I’m a devil, not a demon. Thirdly, Fuck you! And Fourthly, I’m on vacation.”
So this is what a dumbfounded alicorn locks like. “WHAT?” The Princess seemed to be a bit slow, so I decided explain the situation in more detail: “I am a devil and I am here on a holyday. I have 125 free days per millennia, so I decided to spend a few of them here, to see how things are up here.”
“WHAT?” She didn’t seem to catch on.
“I think Twilight is broken!” The purple one announced, while waving a hoof in front of her face.
“Soooo”, I started my question, “are we done here or …” that was how far I came before Pinkie apparently decided that now would be a good time to pull Twilights tail. Interestingly enough, that’s what finally released the spell she was holding … right into my face. So that my vision was filled with blinding light, before everything turned to black.
I hate vacations!
